Emily Leibert

October 16, 2014

Why Parents Might be the Biggest Instigators in an Ongoing Bullying Nightmare
The Sex Talk is awkward. It is that uncomfortable, first recognition of the birds and the
bees, but every parent knows it needs to be conducted. No matter how miserably we
blunder through it and force our teenagers to turn shades of red that dont even exist on
the color spectrum, we go through with it. Sex is normal behavior, and having the Sex
Talk is a part of growing up.
But it is not the only talk we parents should be having with our kids.
Last month, a high school junior named Elsa Tanner made statewide news. She was the
type of scholar and daughter any parent would be proud to call their own. She
consistently made honor roll, she was the president of Poinsettia High Schools National
Charity League, and she spent her free time directing quirky music videos with her closeknit group of friends. She was adored by those who befriended her and respected by
those who knew her. Sadly, none of these are the reasons Elsa made the news.
On September 18, Elsa committed suicide because a classmate had been anonymously
bullying her over the Internet for two years. She was 16 years old.
While parents across California continue to squirm begrudgingly over the Sex Talk, and
while seductive images of hypersexual vixens are splashed across Teen Vogue covers,
everyone is missing the bigger issue at hand. Sex might ruin pre-teens wholesome
values or deny them of their glorious innocence, but cyber-bullying kills. And for that,
there is no redemption.
We are having the wrong conversation.
How could fellow parents and administrators have let this happen? We have somehow
droned out an issue that is horrifyingly prominent and continues to gain traction. The
evidence for a recent rise in cyber-bullying is alarming. In a 2011 national survey, a
whopping 85% of middle-school aged children (11-14) remarked that they didnt know
people could bully them on the Internet. By 2013, that number had reduced to 55%,
meaning cyber-bullying awareness has increased among this age group.
At this point, you might reassure yourself, Well, just because my kid knows about
cyber-bullying doesnt mean shes the victim of it. Think again. Authors of a special
report just distributed (January 2014) to school administrators in 166 school districts
throughout the state found these alarming statistics:
The California Association of Police Officers believes one in four kids have
been bullied by another kid.

 Cyber bullying now eclipses physical or verbal bullying in most California

school districts.
School counselors reported that roughly 60% of their student sessions now
include bullying issues.
Let me reiterate: one in four. Out of a classroom of 20 students, five of them are most
likely being harassed online.
So, you think your big-boned, track star son is immune to this? Cyber-bullying does not
require physical aggression; it is purely emotional, and hiding behind a computer screen
allows these new-age bullies to attack without fear of retaliation. What about the popular
girl with the glossed, pouty lips and piercing, blue eyes? She may be intimidating, but
flooding her inbox with copies of a nude picture she once sent out might just do the trick.
And how about the Homecoming King? Creating a viral uprising by spreading a video of
him chugging alcohol illegally may very well dethrone him.
When it comes to our children, ignorance is never bliss, and we do not have the liberty to
assume any teen is safe.
In another 2013 study, 98% of middle and high school teachers said they know at least
one student who has been cyber bullied in the past two years. What does this tell us?
The majority of teachers know whats going on. But by the time a case of cyber-bullying
has escalated enough for a teacher to notice, the damage has already been done.
This made me think. Maybe its not about being reactive but about being proactive. And
maybe, just maybe, the problem starts with us: the parents.
A leading parent magazine conducted a two-year ongoing email poll in which the
majority of parents dont think that their teens have been bullied. However, only 21%
report that they have actually asked their children if they have ever been bullied. We are
not even talking to our kids! This is the conversation we need to be having. This is why
so many parents have no idea their children are being bullied until it is too late. This is
why Elsa Tanner found herself with no other option.
How do we tackle such a sensitive topic, then? Let the facts do the talking. A 2013
study by the American Academy of Pediatricians says that kids appreciate straight talk
about such issues as violence, depression and personal safety but they only want general
information in a group setting such as an assembly. The same study shows that parents
are uncomfortable talking about bullying even though they know it is important. If you
cannot muster up the courage to talk about cyber-bullying with your childand you
dont have toI would hope you can discuss the matter like an adult with educators and
administrators who understand the gravity of the situation.
And please, do not indulge in the horrible irony of forcing your teen to look up advice on
the Internet, the very same place making cyber-bullying a reality. Children between the
ages of 12-17 already spend an average of six hours per day on their cell phones and

computers not related to their schoolwork. If we cannot stop cyber-bullying in its tracks,
we can at least impose parental control on our childrens fifty technological devices. Not
even adults need to be on laptops or phones six hours a day. Or if enforcing rules isnt
quite your style for whatever reason, take the kids outside. Go on family adventures.
Urge the adolescents to put their phones down and look up every once in a while
anything to keep their noses out of the viral nonsense that permeates digital platforms.
Admittedly, it is never that simple. Last years stunt by Tori Locklear, the middle
schooler who burnt off her own hair in a YouTube video that went viral, is thwarting
parents efforts to discourage random Tweets and FB postings. Her appearances on
ellen and The Today Show made it seem cool to post stuff about yourself and to be
joked about. Kids no longer seek admirable reputations. They intentionally subject
themselves to ridicule in the hopes of becoming a viral sensation of YouTube celebrity.
There is nothing cool about incentivizing peer ridicule, and we need to instill these values
now.
The haunting statistics prove it. The heart-wrenching stories reinforce it. Our children
live it. Cyber-bullying is a very real threat to our childrens wellbeing. Parents, lets do
our jobs and stop it.