Building Better Relationships…

with Boundaries

By F. Remy Diederich

A series of messages given at Cedarbrook Church.

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Building Better Relationships… with Boundaries
By Remy Diederich
Copyright 2005 – all rights reserved

In this document:
• Part One: Why Build Better Relationships? Steps to building healthy relationship including boundaries.
• Part Two: Boundary Busters…the Space Invader, the Sieve and the Wall.
• Part Three: Declaring Your Individuality…seven rights needed to establish boundaries and consequences.
• Part 4: How to Resolve Conflict…based on the words of Jesus.
• Part 5: A Closer Look at Boundaries
• Part 6: Boundaries in Children

Video Clip from Shrek; Shrek and the donkey are talking late at night under the moon. The
donkey wonders what it will be like after they rescue the princess and share the swamp. Shrek is
adamant that they won’t be sharing the swamp. It’s HIS swamp, not THEIR swamp. He’s going
to build a ten foot wall around the swamp and keep people out. He’s had enough rejection.
Shrek is upset that people never accept him for who he is but always reject him because he’s an
ogre. The donkey reminds him that he’s always accepted Shrek. Starts at 45:38. Ends at 48:35.

You don’t have to be an Ogre to feel like a failure at relationships. I appreciated what the Ogre
said. He was sick of dealing with people and his dream was to get back to his swamp and build a
ten foot fence around it. Ever feel that way? I know I have!

Today I’m starting a new series called “Building Better Relationships”. I really believe that
every one of us here wants - more than anything else – to build better relationships. You may
not know how. And it may seem impossible. But in your heart of hearts you long to be known
by others and to know them in return.

My guess is that as you look back on your life experience, your best memories are times when
you connected deeply with another person emotionally. It may have been for just a second, but
something took place that made you feel alive inside. Or, on the other hand, maybe your deepest
regret is that you’ve never had a moment like that. Either way, I hope you’ll join me for all six
weeks and let’s see if we can help you build better relationships.

Better Relationships Make Life Enjoyable

Enjoyable

This morning I want to answer the “why” question and the “how” question about relationships
Why build better relationships? and then, just briefly, How do you build better relationships? So,
why build better relationships? First, because better relationships make life more enjoyable.

Marla Paul was a columnist for the Chicago Tribune a few years back when she wrote a column
on how lonely she was. She had just moved from Dallas to Chicago and was having trouble
fitting in to her new life. She wrote…
“This loneliness saddens me. How did it happen that I could be forty-two years old and not have
enough friends?”

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She said it felt like every woman’s friendship quota had been filled and they were no longer
taking applicants. Then she lamented that she felt like the ugly duckling, not fitting in anywhere
and experiencing the pain and embarrassment of loneliness.

After Marla wrote the article she was a little uncomfortable with how vulnerable she had been.
But then she was shocked at the response. She got seven times the amount of feedback that she
usually got. She obviously hit a nerve with everyone from homemakers to CEO’s.

John Ortberg, in his book, “Everyone is Normal Til You Get to Know Them” states that…
“If loneliness is common for women, it is epidemic among men. One survey indicated that 90
percent of the male population in America lacks a true friend. But we prefer to not talk about
it.” (page 29).

Ortberg continues on to quote two relational studies that I think are interesting. The first is the
Almeda County Study that was headed by a Harvard social scientist. It tracked the lives of 7,000
people over the age of nine and found that the most isolated people were three times more likely
to die than those with strong relational connections. People who had bad health habits (like
smoking, over eating, alcohol use) but strong social ties lived significantly longer than people
with great health habits but lived in isolation.

I like Ortberg’s assessment. He said that this proves that it’s better to eat Twinkies with good
friends than to eat broccoli all alone! And listen to this - researcher Robert Putnam, also from
Harvard - said that if you belong to no groups but simply decide to join one that, “you cut your
risk of dying over the next year in half.” (page 33). Now, I want you to remember that when I
ask you to sign up for a small group at the end of this sermon!

In a second study reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association, 276 volunteers
were infected with a virus that produces the common cold. The study found that people with
strong emotional connections did four times better fighting off illness than those who were more
isolated. The emotionally connected people were less susceptible to colds, had fewer viruses,
and produced significantly less mucous than relationally isolated people. Again, Ortberg made
an interesting observation. After reflecting on the significance of the mucous, he said that it
looks like unfriendly people really are snottier than friendly people!

Well, the point here is that relationships are good for us but unfortunately few of us would
consider ourselves relational experts – and many of us probably feel like relational misfits.
In fact, some people are so desperate for intimacy that they will pay money to join what’s called
a “cuddle party”. Maybe you read about them in Newsweek Magazine last summer. Cuddle
parties are something that got started out in California. Participants spend $30 to spend the
evening snuggling and hugging with as many as 20 complete strangers. The cuddle party website
is quick to point out that this isn’t about sex. In fact their guidelines strictly forbid anything
sexual taking place. If you go to their website you can read their 16 rules where it says that
cuddle parties are “intended to create a safe environment for huggers to get the "touch and
affection" missing from everyday life without the threat of unwanted advances.” Huggers of all
ages are encouraged to bring pajamas, stuffed animals, munchies, and the anticipation of
becoming more secure and approachable than ever before. "Let's Hug," Newsweek (8-30-04).

Well, that might be a little too up close and personal for us here in the Midwest. But it
underscores both our longing for relationship as well as our frustration in not being able to find

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it. And that shouldn’t surprise us. I mean, where did we learn what we know about
relationships? Probably from watching others who didn’t know what they were doing either. I
doubt many of us have taken a class on it. Maybe we’ve read a book or two along the way.

But in general we think that relationships should come naturally and don’t require any training.
I disagree. Relationships – good relationships – are NOT natural. Dysfunctional, divisive
relationships – THOSE are natural. I was just at my married couples small group on Friday and
we were all talking about our lack of success at relating with our spouses. Lisa and I have
everyone beat by a few decades in terms of length of marriage. But we still don’t have this
relationship thing figured out. Sometimes we think we do, but within a day or two we find
ourselves giving each other the silent treatment and that’s when I’m convinced that good
relationships are not natural. That’s why we need to be taught how to relate to each other and
there’s no better place than from the Bible.

Better relationships please God.

When you think about the Bible maybe your first thought is that it’s a book about God not
people. But as I’ll show you in a second, the Bible is not only about God but about what it
means to be human and how to relate to each another. So that leads me to my second answer to
the “why” question. Why build better relationships? First, because it makes life more enjoyable.
And second, because better relationships please God.

Let me give you a quick survey of what the Bible has to say about relationships. In the opening
pages of the Bible, no sooner do we see Adam being created than we learn that God doesn’t
think that it’s good for him to be alone. We often speak of being created with a God-shaped void
but we were also created with a human-shaped void. God didn’t make us to live in isolation. I
know some of us think that isolation is the answer to all our problems. That was Shrek’s
conclusion.

But the truth is we were never meant to live alone. God created us for relationship. We are
wired to be relational. Unfortunately our ability to relate suffered a major setback after Adam
and Eve chose to disobey God. There was a relational breakdown that quickly went from hatred
to murder to where Genesis says that violence filled the earth. So, relational issues defined the
opening scenes of the Bible.

Fast forward to the book of Exodus. God calls the Israelites to the foot of Mt. Sinai and then
calls Moses to the top of the mountain to give him the Ten Commandments. Did you ever notice
that seven of the Ten Commandments are simple rules about how to relate to each other?

You will have no other gods before me

You will not make idols.

You will not misuse the LORD’s name.

You will remember the Sabbath.

Honor your father and mother.

Don’t commit murder.

Don’t commit adultery.

Don’t steal.

Don’t give false testimony against your neighbor.

Don’t covet your neighbor.

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You might wonder what makes the Sabbath a relational commandment. It’s relational because
taking time to rest gives you time to relate to other people. When you work all the time you
aren’t available to develop relationships. So, the majority of the commandments have to do with
relating to people.

Now, let’s move into the New Testament. The longest record of Jesus talking at any one time is
when he delivered his Sermon on the Mount. If you count up the verses that are about relating to
God and compare them to the number of verses about relating to people there are three times as
many verses about relating to people. Jesus talks about….

Anger and conflict

Adultery and divorce

Loving your enemies

Giving to the needy

Judging others

In fact, how we treat people is so important to Jesus that he said if you know that someone is
mad at you it’s more important to mend that relationship than it is to worship God.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has
something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to
your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23,24

Then, as Jesus closes out his ministry he prays for us that we might live in unity with each other.
He says…
May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved
them even as you have loved me. John 17:22,23

Creating and maintaining unity doesn’t come naturally. It takes a lot of intentional hard work.
But when we are able to show the world true love for one another, and not the pettiness and
divisiveness that they are used to, they see God.

As we keep moving through the Bible we come to Paul’s teaching. Paul is known for over 50
“one another” passages. He calls believers to…

Love one another

Prefer one another

Care for one another

Encourage one another

Forgive one another

Accept one another

Be patient with one another

Bear one another’s burdens

Admonish one another

Comfort one another

Paul doesn’t tell us to tolerate each other or simply “put up with” each another. The overriding
call is to love one another even when it means sacrificing our best interests. In fact he says…
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or
a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I

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possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3

As we move toward the end of the Bible we hear from the apostle John. John talked about the
importance of relationships in blunt terms.
If people say, "I love God," but hate their brothers or sisters, they are liars. Those who do not
love their brothers and sisters, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have never
seen. 1 John 4:20

And the apostle Peter said that a husband’s prayers are hindered if he doesn’t love his wife.
In the same way, you husbands should live with your wives in an understanding way, since they
are weaker than you. But show them respect, because God gives them the same blessing he gives
you -- the grace that gives true life. Do this so that nothing will stop your prayers. 1 Peter 3:7

In other words, prayer alone is not what’s important. How you treat other people has a direct
influence on how God relates to you.

Why am I giving you all these verses? Because before I launch into a six week series on
relationships I don’t want you to think this teaching is a bunch of fluff. I don’t want anyone
saying, “Remy never talks about the deep things of God. He just likes to talk about superficial
things like relationships.” [Note: I haven’t heard this criticism from people inside of
Cedarbrook. But I have heard this criticism from people outside of Cedarbrook who think that
we draw large crowds simply because I water down the Bible!] Let me tell you, learning how to
build better relationships are the deep things of God! How you treat your family members, your
roommate, your employer, your friends – all these relationships reflect your understanding of
God and your relationship to God. I often do speak on relationships and that’s because I think
the topic is central to what it means to follow Jesus. In fact, how you treat people is a much
better indicator of your knowledge of God than your ability to quote scripture or your church
attendance record. James said that
“If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he
deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as
pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep
oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:26,27

You see, when people get all excited about God and they tell me they want to do something great
for God, I tell them to love their family and friends. The usual response is, “No, I mean I want
God to really use me to in ministry.” And my answer is the same; you need to love your family
and friends. You see, any ‘great ministry’ has to start there. Too many people run from loving
their family and friends because that’s too hard. Too many people end up in ministry because it
was easier to pastor a church or become a missionary than it was to love the people in their house
and that made them uncomfortable. The problem is, loving people sounds too easy. We act as if
anyone can do it. But if we are honest, few of us are doing it well. Nothing pleases God more
than our full commitment to loving one another.

Better Relationships are Built with Boundaries

The final point I want to make this morning is to briefly answer the “how” question. How do
you build better relationships? One way is by setting boundaries. God created us all with a

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sense of personal space, both physical and emotional. Boundaries determine where that space
starts and stops. Boundaries define who you are and who you aren’t – where you stop and
another person starts – what you are responsible for and what you aren’t responsible for.
It’s impossible to honor God in your relationships if you are confused about these boundary
issues.

You might say, wait a minute…where are boundaries in the Bible? I don’t remember Jesus
saying anything about that! Well, that’s right. The Bible doesn’t use the word “boundaries”
But it does talk about the principle of boundaries and gives a number of examples.

Let me point out two in the Old Testament. Over and over again God told his people “This is
who I am and this is who I am not”. He had to do this to distinguish himself from the other gods
that people served in those days. The gods associated with other religions were often thought to
have human character defects. Some of the gods were thought to have bad tempers or to be
sexually immoral. So God went out of his way to say to the people, This is who I am, and this is
who I’m not. God was laying down boundaries for himself and those boundaries helped define
his relationship with his people.

When God spoke to Moses at Mt. Sinai, he had Moses set up physical boundaries at the base of
the mountain to emphasize his point. Moses could climb the mountain but not the people. They
needed to stay back behind the boundaries. This was God’s way of saying; I’m holy. You’re not.
Don’t ever get that confused. Exodus says…
The LORD also said to Moses, "Go to the people and consecrate them today and tomorrow, and
let them wash their garments; and let them be ready for the third day, for on the third day the
LORD will come down on Mount Sinai in the sight of all the people. "You shall set bounds for
the people all around, saying, 'Beware that you do not go up on the mountain or touch the
border of it; whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death. Exodus 19:10-12

And through the prophet Isaiah God said…

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD .
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my
thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8,9

God was totally different from the people and from other gods and he didn’t want them to forget
it.

Now, if defining boundaries is important for God, you can bet that it’s important for you and me
too -even more so. We need to better understand who we are and who we aren’t. And then we
need to learn how to effectively communicate that to others. In the next few weeks we’re going
to see how boundaries help …

Clarify what you are responsible for

Protect you from being hurt

Reduce false guilt, conflict and stress

Save time (because when people aren’t messing with your business and you aren’t in
their business – life gets a lot less complicated!)

Make life enjoyable!

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Part Two – Boundary Busters

A rabbi by the name of Edwin Friedman* tells a story of a man crossing a bridge. The bridge
crossed a very deep and treacherous ravine. As the man walked across the bridge he encountered
another man coming from the opposite direction. The strange thing was that this man had a very
long rope coiled around his body. The man with the rope stopped and said to the first man,
“Excuse me, would you mind holding this end of my rope?” Not thinking, the man agreed. Then
the man with the rope said, “Thank you” and jumped off the bridge.

The man left holding the rope was dragged to the edge of the bridge and would have gone over if
he hadn’t been able to brace himself at the last minute. In shock, he calls down to the man on the
rope, “Why did you do this?” And he replies, “Just hold on. If you let go I’ll die. Remember,
my life is in your hands.”

The man on the bridge was desperate. He didn’t think he could hold out much longer. He
looked to see if he could tie the rope to the bridge but that wasn’t possible. So he looked to see if
anyone else was on the bridge that could help but there wasn’t. He called back down, “What do
you want me to do?” And he replied, “Just hold on. Remember, I’m your responsibility now.”

The man on the bridge was sick. He didn’t want to let the man go but he knew that sitting there
for the rest of his life wasn’t the answer either. He finally came up with an idea. He called back
down to the man saying, “Climb back up the rope. I’ll hold on and even pull you as much as I
can, but you have to climb the rope.” The man on the rope said, “You can’t be serious. How
could you be so selfish? Remember, I’m your responsibility now. You have to take care of me”

So the man on the bridge was forced to make a very hard decision. He had a boundary dilemma.
He wasn’t sure what his responsibility was. Should he stop everything and allow this man to
control his life? Or should he let go and live for the rest of his life with the nagging guilt that he
let someone die? What would you do? (I’ll come back to answer this dilemma at the end.)

Some of you are saying – That’s exactly my situation and I have no idea what to do. Well, this
morning we’re going to take a closer look at this idea of boundaries. Last week I started a six
week series called “Building Better Relationships” where I introduced the idea of boundaries.
We saw how important it was even for God to set boundaries. Now, today, I hope we’ll find
some answers to our boundary dilemmas.

To understand boundaries, let’s start from the beginning. When you were born, you had no
boundaries- no personal space. You relied on people coming into your space to feed you, change
you, clothe you, house you and love you. But as you grew and matured, the role of your parents
was to slowly cut back on their boundaries which allowed you to develop your own boundaries –
your own sense of identity.

Psychologists call this process differentiation. The child learns that they are different from their
parents. By the time the child is an adult, if the parents have done their job well, the child has
become fully differentiated. They see themselves as separate and distinct from their parents.
They have a healthy set of boundaries.

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Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen, does it? Many of us have never fully differentiated
from our parents or others for that matter. Either we let people into our lives that shouldn’t be
there or we enter the lives of others where we shouldn’t be, or thirdly we keep people out of our
lives that should be there. Because of this our lives are complicated and stressed – some are pure
chaos. And when life is chaos, it’s pretty hard to live your life for God. That’s why learning to
set boundaries is so important.

Now, let me put boundaries in practical terms by using my yard as an example. My house sits
between two other houses. We have boundaries on each side of the house but they are very
different. On the south side of our house our neighbor has a hedge that runs down the boundary
line. It’s very obvious where their yard stops and our yard starts. There’s no confusion.

But on the other side there is no physical boundary, just an invisible line. There are boundary
markers at the front and back of the property. So you have to line them up to see where the
boundary actually is. Now, I’ve got a great neighbor on that side. He is super respectful of that
boundary. If his trees ever drop a branch he’s right over there to pick it up. I’ve done my best to
respect that line as well.

But let’s say that I’m not such a good neighbor. Let’s say that I slowly encroach on my
neighbor’s property. I just start using his space. I plant a garden. I build a shed. And then I’m
so bold as to build a fence inside his property line. Now he’s got a real problem. He’s got to
make a decision about what he’s going to do.
• He can pull out my fence or burn it if it’s wood or call the police. That would definitely
send a message. That’s the aggressive thing to do.
• He can ignore it and hope I realize my error and take my fence down. That’s the passive
thing.
• He can build his own fence inside of my fence and then tell all of our neighbors what a
jerk I am. That’s the passive/aggressive approach.
• Or he can talk to me and point out the boundary.

Now, with this simple analogy, you know what the right thing to do is, right? I mean, I hope you
do! I hope it’s obvious. He should come and talk to me and remind me of the boundary. It’s
really a no-brainer.

But in all the conflict that we have in life, how often do we do this? Very little. We attack our
boundary breaker, avoid them and build resentment or scheme how to get back at them in
indirect ways.

I want to diagram four kinds of boundaries that people have to help us understand how this
happens.

Healthy boundary The space invader The Sieve The Wall

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Healthy Boundaries:
Let me start with the person who has healthy boundaries. The healthy person is fully
differentiated. They know who they are and who they are not. They take responsibility for what
is theirs and they allow others to take responsibility for what is not theirs.

Jesus is a great example of a person with healthy boundaries. People came to him all the time,
wanting him to be something he wasn’t. One time Jesus was telling his disciples that he was
going to endure suffering and be killed. The Bible tells us…
But Peter took him aside and corrected him. "Heaven forbid, Lord," he said. "This will never
happen to you!" Matthew 16:22

Jesus turned right around and rebuked Peter. He wasn’t going to let Peter tell him who he was.
Jesus had boundaries. He knew that suffering and death was his calling and he wasn’t going to
let Peter change that.

Then there was Jesus’ crucifixion. This is how Matthew tells it…
Two criminals were crucified with him, their crosses on either side of his. And the people passing
by shouted abuse, shaking their heads in mockery. “if you are the Son of God, save yourself and
come down from the cross!" …In the same way the robbers who were crucified with him also
heaped insults on him. Matthew 27:38-40,44

But Jesus didn’t feel any compulsion to prove himself to these criminals or the crowd. He didn’t
let their abuse change his course.

Finally, Jesus was able to stand the temptations of Satan in the wilderness. Satan came with
three temptations – the first was for Jesus to turn stones in to bread. The second was to throw
himself off the temple and have angels save him. And the third was to worship Satan so he
would receive the kingdoms of the world. Philip Yancey comments on these verses saying…
“Satan was, in effect, dangling before Jesus a speeded-up way of accomplishing his mission. He
could win over the crowds by creating food on demand and then take control of the kingdoms of
the world, all the while protecting himself from danger. The Jesus I Never Knew, page 74

Jesus was able to refuse each temptation because he had a clear understanding of who he was
and who he wasn’t. So, that’s what it looks like to have healthy boundaries. Jesus is our example.
But let’s look at people who aren’t so healthy. (That’s you and me!)

Space Invaders:
First, there are the Space Invaders. The Space Invader doesn’t have an end to their sense of self.
Anything and anybody is in the realm of their boundaries. But each space invader has a different
motivation.

Some are controlling – they like to tell people what to do, when to do it and how to do it. This is
how one woman describes her boss…
“He is the most opinionated and demanding man I’ve ever met. No matter how convincing
someone else’s ideas are, he always insists on doing things his way – even if it is more expensive
or unnecessary. And it’s impossible for him to delegate. He leaves nothing to chance. He’ll call
in to the office to “just check in” to be sure his employees are doing what he wants, the way he
wants because only he knows how things should really be done. Whatever job he gives you, you

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can be certain he will eventually critique it, amend it, correct it, improve on it, upgrade it, or in
some other way put his stamp on it.” Control Freak, Les Parrott, III page 10.

Another reason that people are space invaders is that they are hyper-responsible- they carry the
weight of the world on their shoulders. No one else is quite as competent or reliable as they are
and so they see it as being up to them to take matters into their own hands. In their mind, if they
don’t do it, it won’t get done or it will be done poorly. And so they find ways to invade people’s
space and take charge. They would probably never see themselves as a space invader because
they don’t mean to invade someone’s space. They are simply trying to get a job done. But in
doing so, they invade space.

Then there are space invaders that are insensitive, unaware and self-absorbed. These people
invite themselves over, sit too close, talk too much and stay too late. And when they get home
they call you after you’re asleep and have the nerve to ask you if they woke you up!

In fact, there’s a funny movie about this kind of person called What about Bob? Bob is a very
needy man whose is seeing a psychiatrist (Leo). Leo goes on vacation, primarily to get away
from Bob, but Bob is so needy that he follows him to his cabin and actually gets his family to
invite him over for dinner. Not only does Bob take over the house, he wins over the affection of
the Leo’s family. Let’s watch.

Movie Clip: Bob is nearly worshipped at the family dinner table. Meanwhile Leo is highly
agitated at Bob’s presence. Bob seems to get all the attention from family members while Leo is
seen as unreasonable.

If you are a space invader, there is one thing you need to learn and that is to ask permission to
enter someone’s space. It’s important for you to see everyone as having a fence around them
with a gate. Before you can enter their space you need to “knock” and ask if you can come in. If
they say “no” then you need to walk away.

The Sieve:
Now, the other side to this scenario is the person who let’s their space be invaded and I call them
The Sieve. They either have no boundaries or very weak ones. Here are a couple examples of
sieves:

First, there’s the People Pleaser. The people pleaser hates conflict and avoids it at all cost.
Keeping the peace is their highest goal so they let space invaders in even when they don’t want
them there. They don’t know how to say “no” because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Listen to what a man said who went to see a counselor for his depression.
“I’m realizing now that I’ve never said no to anyone. “ In order not to let down my family, my
wife, my boss, and my friends, I’ve worked later, longer, and harder than anyone I know. I even
feel that God depends on me for everything, too. And I’m so busy taking care of everyone else’s
requests for my time that I’ve been ignoring my own needs. No wonder I’ve felt burned out for
years.” Secrets of the Family Tree, page 166.

People pleasers may also fear rejection. They have a high need to needed or liked. They will
even compromise their values just to be accepted. Time magazine has an interesting interview
with Jane Fonda this week. You probably have to be in your forties or older to know Jane

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Fonda. She is the daughter of a famous actor (Henry Fonda), an actress herself and probably
most known for going to Hanoi during the Vietnam War to protest the War.

Reading about her life is a lesson in boundaries – or not having boundaries. She has been
married three times and she admits that she became whatever each husband wanted her to be.
She said that she had the disease of trying to please everyone but herself. When her first
husband brought prostitutes home to their bed, she not only allowed it but joined in. She said…
“Maybe he smelled it on my skin when we first met – that I was malleable and insecure in my
sexuality. In any event, I was vulnerable to him and felt that in order to keep him and be a good
wife, I had to prove that I was…It never occurred to me to object. If this was what he wanted,
this was what I would give him…” Time Magazine – 4/11/05

After she got divorced she married a political activist (Tom Haydn) and that’s when she became
a war protester and went to Hanoi. Finally, she married Ted Turner – the man who started CNN
– and she morphed again to become the traditional corporate wife. Jane Fonda became
whomever her husbands wanted her to become because her boundaries had big gaping holes in
them. She was a sieve. As I said before, a lack of boundaries leads to stress and chaos. Fonda
tells in her interview that she expressed her stress by binging and purging (bulimia) for thirty
years of her life.

Another type of sieve is the person who feels powerless. Their powerlessness is usually learned
through some kind of physical or sexual abuse. Their boundaries are violated so often and so
severely that they become convinced that they don’t even have the right to have boundaries. I
think this is illustrated by a story I heard about a doctor and a girl. A mother brought her twelve
year old daughter to this doctor. The girl was a prostitute. The doctor needed to perform a pelvic
exam and asked permission to touch her. After the exam the mother pulled him aside and said
that that was the first time a man had ever asked permission to touch her.

This young girl had been sexually abused from very early on and then she turned to prostitution.
She had no concept of what it meant to have a physical boundary. Her reality was that men took
what they wanted and she had no say in the matter. She considered herself lucky if they left some
money by her bed.

So, both the people pleaser and the powerless let people into their lives that shouldn’t be there.
Just like the space invader, these people need to visualize a fence around them with a gate. They
need to understand how valuable they are to God. The reason they don’t protect themselves is
that they truly believe they are worthless. They aren’t valuable enough to keep people out. But
if they can regain their sense of value (something only God can give) they can learn to establish
boundaries. Then they need to be empowered to tell people to knock and ask permission to enter.
Plus they need the courage to say “no”, “not now” or “go away!” It’s also important for The
Sieve to learn how to enforce consequences if the space invader doesn’t listen.

The Wall:
The final type of boundary is The Wall. This person has usually been wounded emotionally at
some point in their life and so they protect themselves at all costs. Their boundaries are high and
thick. Do you remember what Shrek said in that movie clip last week? He said that he wanted to
go to his swamp and build a ten foot high wall all around it to keep people out. That’s exactly
what I’m talking about. This kind of person expresses their pain in one of two opposite ways.

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One way is as a caretaker. Because they know what it’s like to be hurt, they are quick to come
to the aid of others who hurt. But they would never make themselves vulnerable. They keep all
their emotions bottled up inside. They take care of others but they will never allow others to care
for them.

The other way the wounded express their pain is by being callous and indifferent, even cold.
Their past wound makes them numb to both their own feelings as well as others. Unlike the
caretaker, they seem to ignore the needs of others. They live in a world by themselves. They are
withdrawn and disengaged.

Both the caretaker and the callous need to get help to learn how to rebuild trust and intimacy
with people. Ten foot walls are not normal. In their mind there are two extremes. Either you
make yourself vulnerable and let people hurt you or you erect walls and keep people out.
They’ve lost the balance in relationships and God wants to help them restore that.

Well, there you have it. What kind of boundaries do you have? I’ll admit it. I’m a space invader.
I work hard at not invading people’s space but I know I still do. If you aren’t sure of your
boundary type then ask someone. They know. In fact, if you have a space invader sitting next to
you I bet they already elbowed you to tell you what you are!

And that leads me to my final point. The study of boundaries is a venture into dangerous
territory. Laying down boundaries will create conflict. That’s why I put a warning at the bottom
of your notes: Warning! Establishing healthy boundaries may be hazardous to your existing
relationships!

Boundaries can seem like relationship busters not builders to the people in your life. People will
misunderstand you. When you put down a boundary in your relationship, you are either telling
someone to back off a bit or to step up to the plate and start pulling their weight. A lot of people
are insecure and when you do this they feel rejected and judged. That’s why when you lay down
boundaries it’s important that you do it in wisdom and with grace. You have to anticipate
people’s anger and you have to prepare for their trying to make you feel guilty because I
guarantee it will happen. But don’t let them scare you. Putting boundaries in place will help you
build better relationships. And like I said last week, boundaries make life enjoyable and help
you to please God.

Let me close by going back to the bridge story. What should you do? Before I tell you, let me
just say that this is my opinion. You have the right to your own opinion based on your
boundaries. My answer is based on my boundaries.

So, what would I do if someone jumped off a bridge and left me holding the rope? I’d let him
drop like a rock! Let me tell you why.
• I never asked for the role of caretaker in his life. He dumped it on me.
• I never agreed to it. For all he knew I was on my way to save twenty children caught in a
burning bus or to perform an open heart surgery. His selfish act may have cost the lives
of many others simply because he didn’t consider the impact of his decision.
• He never asked my permission or asked me how my life might be affected. That was a
risk he took and it was his mistake, not mine. He needs to own that mistake, not me.

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 • I offered him a fair solution to the dilemma that he rejected.

So I’d let him go. You see, he is really the one choosing to fall to his death, not me. I gave him
a way out but he refused to take it. So, I am able to resume my walk across the bridge without
guilt. People may want to try and make me feel guilty but I won’t take that on because it’s
outside of my responsibility. And I’ll tell you right now, if I ever did that to you, I’d want you to
let me drop too. Okay? Let me drop. You go live the life that God called you to live and don’t
let my selfishness stop you.

Prayer: Father, many of us are realizing this morning that we have some boundaries issues.
We’ve let people into our lives who shouldn’t be there, we’ve kept people out who should be
there, and we’ve invaded the lives of others without their permission. Please forgive us. And
help us to find the courage to make the necessary corrections. Amen.

* This story is quoted in The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero.

Part Three - Declaring My Individuality

Skit; A couple sends their kids away to the grandparents in hopes of a romantic weekend alone.
But no sooner are the kids gone that the neighbors walk in ready for a night of fun and games.
The romantic couple can’t say “no” to their neighbors and so they endure them.

Last week I talked about three kinds of boundary problems; The Space Invader, The Sieve and
The Wall. Our two couples here are great examples of The Space Invader and The Sieve. The
Space Invader has no sense of where their boundaries stop. They push their boundaries out to
envelope everyone in their path. The Sieve has no sense of where their boundaries start. They
don’t have the confidence to establish a boundary. As long as that boundary confusion exists
between two people there will always be chaos in their relationship.

This morning I want to focus primarily on helping those of us who are Sieves -those of us who
find it hard to say “no” to Space Invaders. Last week I said that The Sieve lacks good boundaries
because they let people into their space that shouldn’t be there. The Sieve…avoids conflict at all
cost, fears being rejected, feels powerless to resist others and quickly complies with The Space
Invader.

You see, The Sieve is so insecure that they doubt whether or not they even have the right to their
own space. That’s why they are so quick to let other people into it. They assume that everyone
else is more deserving than they are so they minimize their rights and let other people invade
their space and tell them what to do. Laying down your rights sounds spiritual, but if you lay
down all your rights, all the time, you lose your identity. You lose all definition as a person.
And that’s not a good thing!

Instead of giving up their rights, people who are Sieve’s need to declare their rights. That’s what
I want to walk you through this morning; A Declaration of Individuality. It’s not a Declaration of

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Independence. God didn’t create us to isolate ourselves from one another. But he did call us to
be distinct individuals.

A Declaration of Individuality helps us to establish our personal space and distinguish ourselves
from each other. And when we do that, we are finally free to start building better relationships.
Let’s take a look at these.

My Declaration of Individuality

1. The Time Right. I have the right to determine how I spend my time, even if I waste it.

Our time is in demand all day long. There is always something to do, some place to go, as well
as e-mails and phone calls to return. It’s even hard for some of us to go to bed because we want
to squeeze a little more time out of our day. How we choose to spend our time defines who we
are and who we’ll become.

One way I guard my time is by not having a cell phone. I’ve made a personal commitment to be
the last person on earth who buys one! I know a lot of you have one. But for me it would be a
big time waster. I don’t want to be that accessible. I need my space. For the same reason, I
don’t view or send emails on Friday- that’s my day off. It’s not really a day off for me if I view
and send 50 emails. I enjoy my day off a lot more without the added clutter in my head.

You see, declaring your Time Right has a lot to do with saying “no” to opportunities. For me,
I’ve said “no” to the opportunities to have a cell phone and use email on Friday’s. The Leader
Telegram recently printed an article called Families in Motion Losing Out. It talked about how
busy the average double income family is. It said…
“parents and children live virtually apart at least five days a week, reuniting for a few hours at
night…When they are together, today’s families tend to stay in motion with lessons, classes, and
games. Or, they go shopping…What’s falling by the wayside? Playtime. Conversation.
Courtesy. Intimacy.” Families in Motion Losing Out by Joseph B. Verrengia, Associated Press.
3/26/05

But that doesn’t have to happen. It’s a choice. We all have the right to say “no” to adding more
and more activities to our lives. That’s our Time Right. We need to declare it and then enforce
it.

2. The Intellectual Right.

I have the right to think and express my thoughts even if they are mistaken.

I learned this right the hard way. I’ve had a couple people in my life who thought it was their
responsibility to tell me what to think. I hated it. It was so demeaning to have someone totally
discount my thoughts. It made me very angry.

But when the second person treated me this way, it dawned on me that I treated Lisa the same
way I was being treated. Whenever Lisa disagreed with me on an important topic I’d overpower
her with my reasoning and tone and shut her down. I was essentially saying that her thoughts
weren’t valuable. Only my thoughts were valuable so if she wanted to be valuable she needed to

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think like me. I’m sure I did that with my kids too at the time. Maybe someone is doing that to
you right now.

The truth is we all have the right to think and express our thoughts. They may not make sense to
others but that doesn’t invalidate you and your right to express them. So don’t let people shut
you down or make you feel stupid for your thoughts.

3. The Emotional Right.

I have the right to feel and express my emotions (appropriately) even if they are misguided.

People often don’t want us to express our emotion because it makes them feel bad. Have you
ever had a bad day but someone either got mad at you for feeling bad or went out of their way to
make you happy? They tried to “fix” your mood. They do that because they don’t know how to
handle negative emotions. They think it’s their responsibility to fix the problem either by making
you happy or correcting you. But if they were able to be honest, they’d see that their true
motivation in changing you is to simply make themselves feel better.

Parents are especially guilty of denying their children the right to emotion. They’ll often
discipline them for being sad or mad. And it’s too bad because then kids learn that expressing
emotions is naughty. When kids can’t express their emotion they learn to be phony. Then they
stuff their emotion which causes all kinds of problems later in life.

Churches deny the right to emotions too. I recently read about Glenn Wagner, a pastor at a large
church in North Carolina. He resigned last September due to clinical depression. In a recent
magazine he told his story and quoted a survey saying…
“Surveys indicate that 80 percent of pastors and 84 percent of their spouses are discouraged or
dealing with depression. In addition, more than 40 percent of pastors and 47 percent of their
spouses report that they are suffering from burnout.” Physician magazine, September/October
2000, quoted by Glenn Wagner in Rev.

Thankfully I’m not counted in those statistics. I think pastors, like Glenn, end up discouraged,
depressed and burned out because they have poor boundaries. In Wagner’s case, he said his
depression was twice as painful because in his church it wasn’t okay to be depressed. His
leadership team didn’t give him the right to have emotions. They implied that he was either weak
or sinful or had a demon for being depressed.

But I want to empower you today to feel and express your emotion. God gave you emotions to
alert you to issues that you wouldn’t be aware of any other way. When you suppress your
emotions you cover up truth and it robs you of the fullness of life that God meant for you.

4. The Spiritual Right.

I have the right to believe what I want to believe about God and express my faith in the manner
that I choose - even if I’m mistaken.

There’s something about our humanity that likes telling other people how to worship God.
We’ve all encountered people who are quick to quote a Bible verse to tell us why we shouldn’t
think what we think or do what we do. They may not like the Bible translation we use, or the
kind of music our church plays or how we serve communion. They just won’t be satisfied until
we worship God the way they do.

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How does that make you feel? It’s offensive, right? You don’t like being told how to worship
God. No one does. But people with weak boundaries tolerate it because they aren’t sure about
their faith. They think there’s a chance that their critic is right so they keep listening to them.

But we have the right to believe what we want to about God. That’s the great thing about God.
He absolutely respects us and doesn’t force his thinking on us. He even lets us be wrong. He
won’t violate our free will. If that’s God’s attitude toward us then we shouldn’t let religious
people intimidate us into conforming to their way of thinking. We are free to believe what we
want to believe.

I think that’s why a lot of people stay away from church. They don’t want someone insisting on
how they should think about God. I think that’s fair. I appreciate that. That’s why I try hard to
respect people’s boundaries here when I speak. I’m passionate and I’m persuasive. But when I
cross the line and start telling people how they should think, then I’ve gone too far. I never want
to imply that people need to think like I do to either please me or be pleasing to God. If you
think I do that, please let me know.

5. The Physical Right.

I have the right to determine how I am touched even if it seems unfriendly.

We all have different comfort levels when it comes to personal space and touch. You have the
right to determine how people enter your space and then communicate that boundary. Maybe
this T-shirt would help some of you communicate your comfort zone ( it reads – If You Can Read
This You Are Too Close For My Comfort). You don’t have to feel guilty if you aren’t as huggy
and kissy as your friends.

I’m not a big hugger personally. My dad was a staunch German and I don’t think I hugged him
until I was in college and I initiated it. I had just become a Christian and I was learning that
Christians should do that kind of thing. So I hugged my dad and he hugged me back and from
that time on we always hugged good-bye.

It’s not that I don’t like to hug but I reserve hugs for a bigger occasion. If I haven’t seen you in a
month, I might hug you. Or if I just had a heartfelt conversation with you I might close it with a
hug. But if I just saw you last night you probably aren’t going to get a hug this morning. That’s
just me. It’s not right or wrong. It just is. That’s my right. If you like to hug more than that
that’s fine. Just go find someone else to hug!

6. The Sexual Right.

I have the right to determine how I am touched sexually even if I am married.

This is a continuation of The Physical Right, only more specific. Just because you are dating a
Christian doesn’t mean that they won’t overstep sexual boundaries. It happens all the time.
Some people relax their boundaries thinking they don’t have to worry since they are dating a
believer. I wish that was true – but it’s not. So you need to have it clear in your mind what
God’s boundaries are before you ever kiss. But that’s your right. Don’t let someone talk you out
of it.

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As for married couples, you don’t lose your individuality just because you are married. You still
have the right to determine how and when you engage sexually. Sex should never be
manipulated or coerced or demanded by your spouse. It should be mutually agreed upon. That’s
your right.

7. The Rescue Right.

I have the right to not rescue or take responsibility for people even if that makes me look
uncaring.

The first six rights have to do with keeping people from invading your space. This last one has
to do with preventing people from dragging you into their space. I hear this in conversations
every day. People with weak boundaries are guilted into taking responsibility for something or
somebody that’s not their responsibility.

So be careful. Don’t let people use your love for them or your faith or the Bible to manipulate
you. They might say things like, “If you really loved me you’d rescue me from my crisis.” Or, “if
you were a real Christian you’d give me the money.” Or, other times we take responsibility – not
because someone manipulated us – but simply because we feel that a good Christian always
rescues people. That’s not true. Even Jesus didn’t feel compelled to drop everything and rescue
every body he encountered.

I’m personally very careful with how much I help any one person. Being in a helping profession
I could be overwhelmed in a week if I felt responsible to rescue everyone I encounter. I want to
be a part of the solution for someone’s crisis but I can’t afford to be the solution. If I sacrifice
all my time and money to rescue one person then I’m not available to help other people, not to
mention my own family. Whenever I sense that either someone is looking to me to solve all
their problems or I’m viewing myself as the total solution for someone’s problems, a red flag
goes up and I back away. Jesus is the Savior of the world. Not me and not you either. So don’t
take that on. You’ll only burn out and become bitter and resentful toward people. You’ll start
seeing every person as a burden and not a blessing.

Now declaring your rights is one thing. Enforcing them is another. Let’s look at how to do that.

How to enforce appropriate boundaries.

1. Have a clear biblical sense of your value as God’s child.

Do you know the number one reason that we are confused about our boundaries? We don’t think
we are valuable. It’s a self worth issue. The Sieve let’s people invade their space because they
think every one else’s needs are more important than their own. They find value by trying to
please others.

And The Space Invader invades people’s space in search of worth. If they can get you to be like
them and do what they say, that makes them feel valuable. But if we could simply accept the
value that God has placed on us, a lot of the problems I’ve been talking about would be resolved.

The most basic proof that we have value is in the simple fact that God created us. Everything
and everybody that God creates is valuable. Period. It’s impossible for God to create anything

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that’s not valuable. So, no matter what you’ve done or no matter what’s been done to you, you
are still valuable simply because God created you.

And we aren’t valuable just because we believe in Jesus. The Bible tells us that Jesus died for us
while we were still separated from Him.
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died
for us.” Romans 5:8

Jesus wouldn’t have died for us if he didn’t think we were valuable. He saw our worth even
before we came to faith. Even while we were knee deep in our confusion and failure he accepted
us.

But if we are valuable to him as failures, how much more valuable are we once we believe?
“So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very
own children, adopted into his family--calling him "Father, dear Father." For his Holy Spirit
speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children.” Romans 8:15-17

We are God’s children. He’s adopted us. He’s given us his Spirit. And we can call him our
Father. I can’t think of how we could have any higher value than this.

2. Clearly communicate your boundaries.

You can’t assume that people know what your boundaries are. You need to clearly spell them
out – even write them down if necessary.

3. Clearly communicate consequences for violating those boundaries.

Consequences shouldn’t be punishment. They are simply natural ramifications of people’s
decision making process. For instance, if you are dating someone who is chronically late, tell
them that if they continue to be late that you aren’t going to sit around waiting for them. You’ll
make other plans for the evening. When they come late and find you gone, they’ll realize that if
they want to date you they’ll need to change their behavior.

4. Consistently confront violations.

Some times it gets old reminding people of your boundaries and applying the consequences but
you have to realize that Space Invaders will always test you. Just like a two year old, they try to
wear you down, so you have to prove to them that you mean business.

5. Enforce consequences dispassionately.

This is very important. You can’t lose your cool. And that’s the great thing about boundaries -
you don’t have to. Instead of screaming at your chronically late date because you feel so
disrespected, you just go out and do something else. It’s not up to you to convince him or her
how wrong they are. Your actions make the statement. Then they have to decide how they will
respond.

6. Find supporters to encourage your follow through.

Most of us aren’t going to go from having weak boundaries to strong ones simply because we
heard a sermon. So we need to find people that will remind us of our value and encourage us to
keep our boundaries and consequences in place. That’s one of the reasons we all need to develop
relationships here with each other. We can support each other in these things.

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If you can see that your boundaries are like a sieve, then I hope you’ll declare your rights and
enforce your boundaries with consequences. That’s what will define you as an individual and
that’s what will enable you to build better relationships.

The message that I want you to hear today is that you are valuable and acceptable just the way
you are. You may not be right. In fact, you may be totally messed up and totally wrong in all
your beliefs and actions! But that doesn’t alter your value as a person. So don’t let people
invalidate you because you didn’t live up to their expectations. Your value doesn’t come from
pleasing them. Your value comes from accepting God’s opinion of you.

Now, I wonder if there’s anyone here who says, It’s nice to be accepted and respected by God
but I want more than that. I want to be his child. I want God to adopt me as his own. I want his
Spirit to fill me. I want to be able to call him Father because I know him personally. That is what
I need to feel valuable.

If that’s your desire, let me pray for you this morning.

Father, thank you for your unconditional love for every one of us here. But there are some of us
here who want to move from merely being loved by you to becoming your child. The Bible says
that whoever welcomes Jesus into their lives and believes in his name, these are given the right
to become your children. So give them the faith right now to do just that. Holy Spirit, fill their
lives with your power in an unmistakable way. Might they know how real you are. Amen.

And in regard to setting boundaries…

Father, help us to find the courage in your Spirit to not only declare our rights but enforce them
with consequences. Help us to persevere and not give up even though our boundaries are tested.
We truly want to build better relationships and we know establishing boundaries is key to our
success. Amen.

(The following points were deleted from the sermon due to time…)

Space Invaders should remember to…

• value every person as if they were Jesus. Jesus said that when we deal with the most
vulnerable person we are dealing with him. To violate another person’s boundaries is to
violate Jesus. He created them. He loves them. He values them so much he died for
them. How can we treat them with any less respect than we’d treat Jesus himself?
• visualize a gated fence around every person. I mentioned this last week. What do
millionaires have at their gate? Either an intercom or a guard. You have to ask
permission to enter the gates. That’s how you should view each person that you
encounter.
• not make assumptions about other peoples boundaries. Your boundaries won’t look like
someone elses’. Your boundaries have a lot to do with how you were raised and the
experiences you’ve had. One thing never do as a counselor is to assume that people want
me to pray for them. I almost always ask permission. I don’t know if anyone has ever
said “no” but I do it to let them know that I respect their boundaries. It’s a way for me to
show that they are valuable.
• not force their opinions or expectations on others.

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 • ask permission to enter the space of another.
• speak well of others even if they disagree with them. Is easy for space invaders to have a
pity party when they are told to “keep out” of someone’s life. In their anger they often
feel the need to put that person down – remember a space invader is looking to affirm
their worth and being told to keep out only adds to their shame. But you need to bite
your tongue. Even if you had good intentions for invading someone’s space, you still
need to value their rights.

Part Four - How to Resolve Conflict

About ten years ago I co-owned a dairy farm on top of the Knapp hill, west of town about ten
miles. Our house was just inside the west edge of our property line. I liked being there - for a lot
of reasons - but one was that our neighbor grazed his cows’ right outside our windows. It was
fun watching the cows during the day and at night I enjoyed falling asleep to the sound of them
chewing the grass.

One night I heard their chewing, but it seemed a lot closer than usual. Suddenly the sound was
coming from three sides of our house instead of one – kind of like “surround sound”. I knew
something was up so I jumped up and flipped on the yard light. Sure enough, the cows had
pushed through the barbed wire fence and taken advantage of the fresh grass in our yard. Plus
they left some free fertilizer!

This is a perfect example of what happens when someone crosses our boundaries. As long as the
boundary is being respected, everything is fine. Even if they are “right outside of our window”,
so to speak, we feel safe because we know that a boundary is being observed and respected. But
as soon as that boundary is crossed, it gets messy and confusing, doesn’t it! We don’t always
know what to do.

Now, we all respond to boundary violations in different ways. Let me diagram this for you…

Boundary Violation >> Anger <<choice>> Response

• retaliate
• retreat (nice)
• resolve

Whenever your boundaries are crossed, you immediately get angry at some level. Anger is a
great boundary detector. It will always let you know when someone has invaded your space.
Then, your anger moves you to take action – to respond. Now notice that you have a choice at
this moment. Many people don’t think they have a choice – they say things like, “I was so angry
I couldn’t help it!” But that’s not true. You determine the role that anger takes in your life,
whether it will be con-structive or de-structive.

Some people automatically retaliate while others retreat. Those are both de-structive. (We’re
going to learn how to be constructive today by seeking to resolve our conflict.) Those of us that
retreat often do it because we want to be “nice”. In Wisconsin, we like to be nice. And in the

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church we like to be even nicer. One therapist said that “One of the greatest encouragers of
niceness is the church.” (Anne Wilson Schaef)

That’s not a compliment. She meant that we are afraid to be honest with each other. And
because we are afraid to be honest we create dysfunctional, unhealthy, and even chaotic
relationships in our families, our friendships and our churches.

We aren’t nice because Jesus taught us to be nice. Jesus never talked about being nice. The
truth is that we are nice because we are full of fear. Fear motivates our niceness. In the book
“Boundaries in Marriage” it lists a number of the fears that keep us from being honest with each
other…
• we fear losing love
• we fear the anger and judgment of others
• we fear our own anger
• we fear being alone if we are rejected
• we fear losing approval
• we fear hurting people’s feelings
• we fear being wrong and feeling guilty

Instead of telling us to be nice, Jesus told us to shoot straight with each other.
"If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the fault. If the other person
listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or
two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or
three witnesses.” Matthew 18:15,16

How to Resolve Conflict

I want to break these two verses down for you. I know it seems simple, and it should be obvious,
but we have the hardest time with this. So let’s look at how to resolve conflict by talking to our
boundary breaker.

1. Admit that conflict exists. I bet there are a number of us here today who are in conflict
with someone, but don’t want to admit it. Conflict is that elephant in your living room that
you don’t want to acknowledge. But if you want that elephant gone, then you have to admit
it’s there.

I was at a pastor’s conference this week and one pastor said he trained his congregation to
say this simple phrase…“Reality is my friend.” What that means is that our only hope of
change is to embrace the painful truth about our condition. If you have an elephant in your
living room then reality is your friend. Admitting the reality that you have an elephant is
what’s going to help you get rid of it. If you treat reality as your enemy then you’ll do silly
things like try to hide the elephant or go through cases of Fabreeze trying to cover up the
smell.

But the quickest way to a better living room is to simply face reality and admit that you’ve
got an unwanted guest. The same is true for conflict. Some of you are depressed. Some of
you aren’t sleeping well. Others have hostility just beneath the surface or some of you have

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 it boiling over! If you want to deal with these things you need to recognize that reality is
your friend and admit the conflict that exists in your life.

2. Identify the crossed boundary. Remember what I said? Anger is a boundary detector.
Whenever you find yourself angry, just ask yourself, why? What boundary was crossed?
Before you can talk to your offender you need to have it clear in your own mind what the
boundary violation was.

But be careful how you answer. It’s often more complex than what you think. For example,
if you come an hour late to pick me up for a concert – with no good excuse – I might think
that I’m mad because you crossed my time boundary. You wasted my time and we missed
part of the concert. But a deeper reason for my anger is more likely that you crossed my
respect boundary. Coming late made me feel like you don’t respect me and that’s the real
reason I’m mad. So be honest about why you are mad.

3. Pray, cool down and gain perspective. I think of conflict as a fire. How I response will
either add to the fire or reduce the fire. I don’t want to add gas to the fire. I want to add
water. That is, I want to bring resolution to the problem not retribution. So, in your situation,
slow down and ask God what you can do to resolve your conflict. And then commit yourself
to do just that.

4. Go to your offender only. Now, as clear as Jesus is here about who to talk to, what do we
often do? We go complain to someone else, right? Now, I understand why. We want to
make sure we are seeing things straight. We want some input. I think those are good
motives. But good motives don’t always accomplish God’s will. And sometimes our
motives aren’t good at all. We just want to retaliate by trashing the other person.

When we include a third person in our conflict, there’s a fancy word for that called,
“triangulation”. Let’s think about the cows in my yard again. Instead of calling up the owner
of the cows, let’s say I decide to call a friend. I just created a triangle; me, my neighbor and
my friend. I tell him what happened, how amazed I am that my neighbor allowed his fence to
deteriorate, how irresponsible he is, what a hardship this has brought to my family. All these
things may be true, but how is that helping to get the cows out of my yard? It’s not.

Venting my anger might make me feel better but now it’s gotten my friend upset. He’s
offended on my behalf. I have spread my dis-ease to him. And I’ve given him a problem
that’s impossible for him to solve. I’ve opened a loop for him that he can’t close. He can’t
call my neighbor because he knows that it’s none of his business. But he’s all upset. So what
does he do? How does he relieve his anxiety that I’ve dumped on him? He calls another
friend and spreads his dis-ease to them. That makes him feel better but now his friend has
the dis-ease. By the end of the day, half of Knapp is angry at my neighbor but none of them
can do anything to help me or to confront him.

There’s only one person that can solve my problem and that’s my neighbor. That’s why
Jesus tells me to go to him, not any one else. The only exception to this is if you go to a
counselor to gain wisdom on how to talk to your offender. But, in general, don’t include
others in your offense. You are only adding gas to the fire.

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 Now, if you do spread your dis-ease, it’s your responsibility to go back to every person
infected, ask their forgiveness, and set the story straight. This advice is especially important
to follow in a church. Many churches have split and even dissolved because people refused
to obey Jesus and chose to spread their dis-ease instead.

5. Go with humility. Matthew 18 (the chapter that Jesus’ words are found) starts off with the
disciples wondering who would be the greatest in the kingdom. Jesus must have rolled his
eyes and shaken his head. He knew that nothing good could come from that kind of
question. He knew that pride always puffs people up and causes them to exclude others.

So, Jesus talks to his disciples about the importance of including children, then he talks about
the importance of including the one sheep that goes astray and then he talks about the
importance of including the person who has offended you. You see, because the proud think
they are better than others, they think that the weak, the wrong and the lost are expendable.
That’s our temptation, isn’t it? Rather than talk to our offender we would rather cut them out
of our lives. That’s the easy thing to do. But the kingdom of God isn’t about excluding
others, it’s about including them and doing whatever we have to do to help make that happen
even if it’s at our expense.

So when you go to point out someone’s fault go in humility. Understand that you aren’t
better than your offender.

6. Go to restore. Jesus didn’t tell us to “go and confront”. Or to “go and shame or humiliate”.
We don’t go to “set people straight”. Jesus said that we are to go to win them back. That is,
to restore their relationship to you, the church and even God. Paul must have had this in
mind when he said to the Galatian church…
My friends, you are spiritual. So if someone is trapped in sin, you should gently lead that
person back to the right path. Galatians 6:1

That’s what God did with us. He went out of his way to restore us to relationship with
Himself and he wants us to do the same things with others. Boundary violations aren’t an
excuse to give people the boot. Boundary violations are an opportunity to clarify our
relationship with people and restore them back to fellowship.

7. Go in private. Sometimes our fear of confronting our offender, one-on-one, causes us to

confront them in front of others. We feel the need to protect ourselves. Or sometimes it’s our
laziness or insensitivity that leads us to do that. Parents often make the mistake of correcting
their children at the dinner table. That’s a bad idea for two reasons; one, no one wants to be
corrected in front of the family and two, children start to associate family meals with being
corrected and humiliated. Parents, you’d be much better off to ask your child to stick around
after dinner to speak to them alone.

But no matter who you are confronting, make sure that it is in private. When you expose
someone’s wrong in public you are only asking for them to shut down and withdraw or to
fight back. Neither one is going to help resolve the conflict. Again, you are only adding gas
to the fire.

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8. Take responsibility for as much as you possibly can. If you come to me and tell me
how wrong I am, you immediately put me on the defensive. That’s human nature. You’ve
made it very hard for me to be vulnerable with you and admit my offense. But if you come
to me and start by telling me how you’ve failed in our relationship, you cause me to drop my
guard and I am suddenly willing to share how I’ve failed you. It’s much easier for me to own
what I’m responsible for if you first own what you are responsible for. Jesus put it this
way…
Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can
you think of saying, `Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see
past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye; then
perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye. Matthew 7:3-5

9. Point out the fault. In the book, Boundaries, the authors talk about the Law of Exposure.
They say that too many of us have secret boundaries that leave people in the dark as to who
we really are.
“We withdraw passively and quietly, instead of communicating an honest “no” to someone
we love. We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry about how they
have hurt us. Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone’s irresponsibility instead
of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be
helpful to their soul.” Boundaries, page 101.

Remember, boundaries define who you are. When you don’t communicate your boundaries
or enforce your boundaries, then you leave people confused. They don’t know who you are
and they don’t know how to relate to you. Paul tells us…
“Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor….” Ephesians 4:25

Now, when you choose to speak truthfully and point out someone’s fault, I have four
suggestions;

First, assume the best. Assume that they didn’t intend to hurt you. Most people cross your
boundaries out of insensitivity or selfishness. They aren’t looking to do you harm. It’s our
insecurity that makes us think the worst.

Second, speak in love. Pointing out a fault shouldn’t be a lecture or a sermon. It’s not a time
to quote scripture. Paul said…
Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your
words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29

And Proverbs says…

Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. Proverbs 12:18

It’s much more natural to speak out of hurt and defensiveness. But learn to hold your tongue
and only speak what will move you toward resolution. Remember, you want to put water on
the fire.

Third, use “I” statements, not “you” statements. “You” statements sound like this.
“You make me so mad. You are always late. You won’t be on time for your own funeral.”
But “I” statements sound like this…

25
 “I was disappointed that we missed the concert. I’m really angry that this happens so often.
I don’t feel like I can count on anything that we agree on.
“You” statements are accusatory and condemning while “I” statements give your offender
insight into how their behavior affected you.

Fourth, include the last 10%. Too often we get up the courage to talk to someone, only to
chicken out and not share the real reason that we were offended. For example, I might tell
you that I’m mad that we missed the concert but never tell you how disrespected I felt. So
you say you are sorry and I forgive you and we go on our way. But, deep down, I’m still
mad at you and you can’t figure out why. It’s because I wasn’t totally honest. I didn’t share
the last 10%. If you want to improve your relationship, you have to share everything about
what offended you, not just part of it.

10. Listen intently. Listening well is a lot of work, isn’t it? You have to work hard at not using
your listening time to reload with more arguments. But if your intention really is to “win
them back”, it’s important that you hear what they are saying. Proverbs says…
It's stupid and embarrassing to give an answer before you listen. Proverbs 18:13

11. Seek closure (agreement). It’s not enough for me to call my neighbor and complain about
his cows being in my yard and for him to say he’s sorry. That’s not closure. I’ve still got a
broken down fence and a yard full of cows. There’s no closure until I look out the window
and see the cows on the other side of the fence again.

In the same way, you need to bring closure to your boundary violation otherwise you’ll only
become bitter and resentful. And that’s not fair to any of your relationships. You need to
make sure that your offender understands your boundary and agrees to honor it. Plus, they
should agree to repair any damages that they caused.

12. Include others. If you aren’t able to bring closure on your own (and this might take several
meetings), then you need to bring others into the equation who understand the problem.
That’s why Jesus said…
But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that
everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.”

When you bring other people into the discussion, it serves two purposes; one is to show your
offender that others see the same problem as you do and second is that the other people can
serve as moderators to cool down and focus the discussion.

Well, that’s the process. It’s very practical. Very logical. But I wonder how many of us will
commit to doing what Jesus said – resolve our conflict by going to our offender?

I want you to know that I understand how hard this is. As a pastor, I consider “relationship
management” as one of my top priorities. There’s not a week that goes by that I’m not
contacting someone to either ask their forgiveness or talk to them about a relationship that can
use improving. I don’t like doing it. It’s hard, but that’s what it takes to keep the unity and
without unity we’ll self destruct within a year. The same is true for you. Without unity, your
relationships will self destruct. So you need to give them your full attention.

26
If you know that God is speaking to you right now to obey Matthew 18:15, I want to pray for
you.

Prayer: Father, sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to do. We’ve talked about setting
boundaries in our relationships, we’ve talked about declaring our rights but talking to people
about how they’ve crossed our boundaries scares us to death. We are insecure. We are afraid.
We are full of self-doubt. Father I ask that we would allow your Spirit to fill us and strengthen
us to obey Jesus’ words. Give us your passion for restoring relationships. Might we not settle
for anything less than what you want for us. Amen.

Part Five – A Closer Look at Boundaries

Video Skit: A grandmother returns from a weekend of babysitting her granddaughter. The two
of them recount all that happened to the girl’s mother…McDonald’s, shopping, tents in the living
room, etc. Then the girl mentions that they went to church three times and prayed at every meal.
The mother of the girl is upset and asks her daughter to leave so she can talk to the grandmother.
It turns out that the grandmother had promised to not pray with the girl as the mother had asked.
The mother was disillusioned with God and didn’t want to spread that to her daughter. But the
grandmother couldn’t keep to her word. Her faith was so much a part of who she was that she
couldn’t resist including her granddaughter in prayer and church.

Did you see the boundary issues there? The mother and daughter disagreed on where one person
stopped and the other person started – that is – how much authority did the grandmother have
during the weekend? What were her boundaries? I’ll tell you who I think was at fault here in a
minute but I want to start by looking at a principle about boundaries from Paul’s words to the
Galatian church. Paul said…

Brothers and sisters, what if someone is caught in a sin? Then you who are guided by the Spirit
should correct that person. Do it in a gentle way. But be careful. You could be tempted too.
Carry each other's heavy loads and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ (love). 3If you
think you are somebody when you are nobody, you are fooling yourselves. 4Each of you should
put your own actions to the test. Then you can take pride in yourself. You won't be comparing
yourself to somebody else. 5Each of you should carry your own load. Galatians 6:1-5.

Paul says two things here that might seem to contradict each other. In verse two he tells us to
carry each other’s heavy loads. Then in verse five he tells us that we should carry our own load.
So which is it? Should we just carry our own load or should we help carry the load of others? If
everyone carries their own load, then I shouldn’t have to carry someone else’s.
Heavy load
Look at this diagram. You Others
oooooo XXX xxxxxxxxxx XXX
Normal load

27
Boundaries define those things for which you and I are responsible. When Paul tells us to carry
our own load, the word “load” means the weight of a personal backpack – those personal
responsibilities that are normal to every day life. We aren’t supposed to hand those off to others.

But then there are the heavy loads. The word used for “load” in verse two is different than verse
five. This kind of load is much bigger than a personal backpack – it’s more like a trailer full of
stuff – too big for one person to handle. In this case Paul is saying that the heavy load is the sin
that has weighed someone down. But a heavy load could be some other kind of crisis like a death
in the family or a job loss or maybe a recent divorce. Paul said that it is our responsibility – it’s
within our boundary – to help people handle these kinds of heavy loads.

Let me diagram this for you. You are responsible for two things; You
1. your own load. oooooo
2. to help with the heavy load of others. XX

Now your own load consists of things like your happiness, emotions, future, relationships,
success, mistakes/sin and resulting consequences. These are the things that everyone is
responsible to handle on their own. The Bible tells us that one day we will all answer to God for
how we handle our responsibilities.
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is
due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. 2 Corinthians 5:10

I can’t answer for you and you can’t answer for me. So it’s very important that we are clear in
regard to who is responsible for what. When we aren’t clear, that’s when we fight with each
other.

Now, conflict and confusion result when you do one of two things;
1. take on responsibilities that are not yours or…
2. give away responsibilities that are yours.
You Others
Look at this diagram. xxx ooo
oooxxx
XXXXXX

The person to the left has given away half of their responsibilities to the other person. Plus
they’ve taken on half of the other person’s responsibility plus their entire heavy load. This
person is asking for trouble. If you diagrammed your life, would it look like this?

This is what happened with the mother and daughter in the skit. The grandmother took on the
responsibility of sharing her faith with her granddaughter. That’s a great thing to do, but the
grandmother had promised to not do that. She went back on her word. So, she was the boundary
breaker. And boundary violations will always provoke anger. That’s why the mother got angry.

[Note: The grandmother should have never agreed to her daughter’s terms. She was a “Sieve”, abandoning her right
to be who she was with her granddaughter. But once she made that commitment, she needed to abide by it. She
became a “Space Invader” when she broke her word. Believers often make the mistake of thinking that they have
the right to do this because “they are right”. They believe their faith in God justifies sharing their faith, no matter
how inappropriate it is. But they are violating people’s boundaries in a way that God never would. Their behavior is
ultimately a bad reflection on God.]

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So, how are you at keeping and giving away responsibility? How well do you do at carrying
your own load? To help you assess your boundaries I want to revisit our three friends; The
Space Invader, The Sieve and The Wall. In the second message I described each boundary type
but this time I want to give you more information about their sense of responsibility, what
motivates them and then give you some recommendations. So let’s take a look.

The Space Invader.

The Space Invader is task oriented, insensitive, compulsive and impatient. They want to make
things happen and can run over people in getting the job done. They feel responsible for
everyone and everything.

Why are they so responsible? Because they are driven by a fear of failure. They can’t bear
letting a ball drop in life because they feel that it is a personal reflection on them. They don’t
want to look bad so they do everything in their power to make sure that nothing goes wrong.

If you are a space invader, like I am, our greatest challenge is to risk failure. We need to be able
to say,
“I’m not going to take responsibility for that. That’s not my load. I’m not the Savior of the
world. If that fails, it fails. And I’m okay with that. I’m not any less of a person. And I’m not
going to feel guilty about it.”
If you have trouble saying this then you might be a space invader.

I face this challenge all the time here at church. Being a new church, there are a lot of things I
want to see happen. I want to volunteer to work with the children and build that ministry. I want
to get back on the move crew like I used to and give some guys a break. I want to help out in
Celebrate Recovery and Divorce Care. I know that if I got involved I could help each ministry to
grow.

But I also know that I can’t do it all – I have to let some things go. If that ministry is going to
succeed, it’ll have to do it without me. If it can’t make it without me helping, then I need to let
that ministry fail. I don’t like that. But that’s the right thing to do.

I had the same trouble when I owned my own business. I wanted it to succeed so bad it was hard
for me to step back and say, “You know, if I have to work this hard to just break even, maybe it’s
not meant to be.” So I finally got up the courage to risk failure and that’s exactly what
happened. I had to close my business. It didn’t feel good. But it was the right thing to do.

What about you? Think about some of the things in your life that you are taking responsibility
for. If you are doing it out of fear of failure, maybe you need to let it go.

The Sieve
The Sieve takes a different approach to responsibility. They are called The Sieve because they let
people break through their boundaries all the time. They are insecure, uneasy, people pleasers
who hate to say “no”. They are quick to abandon their own load and take responsibility for
everyone else’s load. They are easily manipulated by guilt. And when something bad happens,
they are convinced that it’s their fault and end up apologizing even when they had nothing to do
with it. Unlike The Space Invader, they aren’t motivated by the fear of failure. The Sieve is
motivated by the fear of rejection. They will do whatever it takes to be liked and accepted.

29
The Sieve also needs to take a risk. They need to risk being rejected. This week in the
Boundaries in Marriage study we looked at a woman who was an example of a Sieve who risked
being rejected. She was mad at her husband for coming home late every night. She didn’t like
having to make dinner twice. But she felt it was her responsibility to do it and she didn’t want to
make her husband mad.

After learning about boundaries she discovered that it wasn’t her responsibility to spend her
night in the kitchen or to keep her husband happy. His happiness was his responsibility.
So she took a risk and laid down some boundaries. She told her husband that she was going to
serve supper once and if he didn’t make it home that he could warm up his portion in the
microwave oven. She wasn’t angry but very matter of fact.

That was a scary thing for her because she knew that he’d get upset and she wasn’t sure that she
could handle his anger or the guilt. But guess what? After he got over his anger and two weeks
went by…the husband got tired of leftovers and started coming home in time for supper. When
she stopped taking responsibility for her husband’s load and concentrated on her own load, their
relationship improved. Maybe there are similar situations in your life where you need to focus
more on owning your own load and stop caring for someone else’s load.

The Wall
Where both the Space Invader and the Sieve take on too much responsibility, The Wall only
takes responsibility for themselves. And because of that they come across as independent,
distant and aloof. They choose to just let things happen. They don’t really care what happens.
They don’t want to be involved in other people’s lives.

People with The Wall boundary are often motivated by a fear of intimacy. They don’t want to
get close, either because they were hurt by someone before or because they have no idea how to
get close to other people. It’s embarrassing to them to admit that they are relationally
challenged, so they simply choose to keep their distance.

I see this a lot in men. It’s hard for us to admit that we’ve been hurt in the past. We think men
shouldn’t be bothered by stuff like that. So we don’t get the help we need. Or, if we simply
don’t know how to be relational as a friend or a dad or husband, we avoid people and find other
things to do that make us feel competent.

People who are Walls need to risk intimacy. What makes that hard for them is that they are very
competent at living life alone and very incompetent at living live with others. They don’t see the
need to include others into their world because they’ve got it so good. Everything is nice and
orderly. Why let others come and mess it up? But if they are honest, they’ll admit that they are
very lonely inside that wall.

If you are a Wall type person, I want to encourage you to take small steps at moving into
relationship. Move out of your shell one step at a time. You don’t have to move to group hugs or
cuddle parties too fast! Take your time. Start to add people to your schedule - a cup of coffee
here, a lunch there. And as you meet with them work at slowly becoming more and more
transparent – revealing not just what you do but who you are.

30
Plus, offer to help them with their heavy loads. Be willing to listen to their problems or join
them on a Saturday with one of their house projects. You’ll be amazed at how these simple acts
of service break down the walls of isolation and build relationship.

No Boundary
People who have no boundaries usually come from a highly abusive background. They learned
that they don’t have the right to boundaries. Now, think about what it would be like to play
soccer or football without boundaries or goals. All you have are some team mates and a ball.
Not very exciting, right? You’d quit after a minute out of boredom. It’s the boundaries and goals
that give the game it’s definition and purpose.

Now imagine life without any boundaries or goals. It’s the same thing. The person who lacks
boundaries and goals gives up on life. They have no idea what to do or where to go. They aren’t
motivated by anything. They are just trying to hang on from day to day. They feel immobile,
powerless and needy.

From their perspective they have no control over what is happening. The slightest problem in life
paralyzes them. They have no idea what to do. They are unable to take any responsibility. They
might just sit at home and cry or ignore the situation all together because they can’t handle the
pain of their powerlessness.

The no boundary person needs to get some serious help. In fact, these are the people that are
carrying a heavy load and we need to step out of our comfort zone to move them to get the help
they need. But if you choose to help them, you need to be very careful because they can
overwhelm you. You can’t be their only support. One of the best things you can help them with
is getting some professional counseling.

The Healthy Person

The healthy person is clear about who they are and what they are responsible for. And because of
that they are confident and calm. They know that they are taking care of their load and they
aren’t taking care of others inappropriately. They have a “let’s see what happens” attitude. That
means they aren’t forcing their agenda on anyone and they aren’t walking away either. They stay
engaged at the right level. They aren’t motivated by fear of failure or fear of rejection or fear of
intimacy but they are motivated by their love for God and their love for people.

This is the person we all want to be, isn’t it? - calm, confident and motivated to love God and
others?

How do we get healthy boundaries like this?

Healthy boundaries are created in love when we are children. When parents give their child the
love they need, that child is free to separate from them – in a good way. That’s what we call
differentiation. The child learns that it’s okay to be different from their parents. They are free to
become their own person because their parents convinced them of their value, giving them the
confidence they need to separate.

But, on the other hand, unhealthy boundaries are created in fear. When a child is unsure of their
parents love they are afraid to separate and become their own person. That’s what we see with

31
the Space Invader, the Sieve and The Wall. Each person is motivated by fear. Each one is still
looking to find the acceptance that they never got as a child. And that’s what I want you all to
see this morning. I want you to realize that many of us do what we do because we are driven by
fear and insecurity. Some of us may have been following Jesus for 30 years and we are still
driven by fear instead of love. That shouldn’t be! You don’t have to let that keep happening.

The good news is that no matter how old you are you can still find the love you need to create
healthy boundaries. It’s not too late! Your parents may not have given you what you needed but
God can. The Bible says…

All who proclaim that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God.
16
We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in him. … 17And as we live in
God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can
face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world. 18Such love has no fear
because perfect love casts out all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows
that his love has not been perfected in us. 1 John 4:15-18

This is telling us that when you become convinced of God’s love for you, you don’t have to live
in fear and run around seeking to be accepted by others. You are free to simply be you, warts
and all. That’s what happens when we are touched by God’s love. It casts out fear. It calms
your heart and let’s you know that you are accepted unconditionally. And when you are free to
simply be you, then you are finally able to build healthy relationships without all the baggage.

If you aren’t in the “healthy boundary” category, I hope you’ll pick up the book Boundaries and
give it a serious read. If you are looking to build better relationships this should definitely be at
the top of your reading list. It’s one of the most helpful books I’ve read.

Type of Boundary Nature Responsible for Motivation Recommendation

The Space Invader Insensitive Everyone Fear of Failure Risk Failure

Compulsive
Impatient
“Make it happen”

The Sieve Insecure Others only Fear of Rejection Risk Rejection

People pleaser
Uneasy
“It’s my fault that it happened”

The Wall Independent Self only Fear of Intimacy Risk Intimacy

Distant
Aloof
Self-contained
“Let it happen”

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No Boundary Immobilized No one None. Seek inner healing
Powerless
Needy
“I can’t control it from happening.”

Healthy Confident Self, others Love for God ---

Calm w/heavy load Love for others
“Let’s see what happens.”

Questions & Answers

The following are questions that people submitted for me to answer.

1. Can you have more than one boundary type? I see myself as a Space Invader, Sieve AND
Wall!

Absolutely. The root problem with each type is a low self worth. That insecurity/fear drives you
to do whatever it takes to seek acceptance or safety. But once you find your worth in God, you
don’t have to resort to those tactics. You can relax, establishing your own boundaries and
respecting the boundaries of others.

2. Talk more about being the recipient of someone venting their frustrations about someone else
and setting a boundary with that. How do you deal with being pulled in as the 3rd party in
triangulation? (See part four of this series)

You want to make it very clear that it is none of your business to be their sounding board. So
affirm them by telling them that you appreciate their problem. But then gently confront them
about telling you when they should be talking to their offender. For example, you might say, “I
hear what you are saying. I’ve been in that situation and it’s really frustrating. But I’ve found
that the best thing to do in that situation is go to the person I’m mad at and tell them how I feel.”

I recommend that you write out your response in advance so you have a ready reply.

3. When someone continually crosses your boundaries, disrespecting you over and over, but
always apologizes – how do I find peace? I don’t believe in the apology any more and I want
to give up on the relationship/friendship. Others have been included and it hasn’t changed
anything.

First, you need to take responsibility for your peace. Your emotions are your responsibility. No
one makes you mad. You choose to be mad. Don’t think that someone else has control over
how you feel. Have you seen that new ad on TV that says you are the CEO of your healthcare?
They are implying that you should make the decisions and not be subject to someone else. The
same is true here. You are the CEO of your emotions. So don’t play the victim. Take control.

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Next, put some space between you and your friend. The book, Boundaries, talks about the Law
of Sowing and Reaping. The person who sows disrespect needs to learn that they will reap
isolation. They shouldn’t be able to habitually cross your boundaries and still reap your love and
affection. They need to see the cause and effect relationship between their irresponsibility and
isolation. It’s only fair that you expect more than an apology. Your friend needs to rebuild trust
with you and trust is more than words. It’s actions. When John the Baptist told the Pharisees to
repent he added that they needed to “bring fruit in keeping with repentance.” (Matthew 3). That
means that they need to not just talk about change but actually back their talk up with lifestyle
changes.

Third, communicate and enforce consequences. Remember, boundaries without consequences

aren’t boundaries, they are mere suggestions. You may even need to end the relationship all
together.

Fourth, grieve the loss of what is not and may never be. It sounds like you have hung on this
long because you had hopes of this relationship going somewhere. You are having trouble
letting go because you don’t want to give up. But it sounds like it’s over – you just haven’t been
able to accept it. So accept it and grieve the loss. You need to bring closure.

Finally, ask your support group to hold you accountable. It’s easy to waffle on relationships,
especially if you are a Sieve. Don’t let that happen. You are only hurting yourself.

4. How can you forgive your family members when they have run over your boundaries and
caused great pain?

In my class on forgiveness I tell people that one of the first steps is to set boundaries so you are
not continually offended. It’s very hard to forgive as long as your boundaries are being crossed
on a regular basis. Do what you have to do to separate yourself from the abuse so you can
finally think straight and make healthy choices. Once you are in that place, then you can start the
process of forgiving.

In regard to forgiveness, remember that forgiveness is never earned. It’s a gift. So it doesn’t
matter how often or how horrible the offense was. What matters is that you make the choice to
release your family from retaliation. Forgiveness is choosing to give up the right to get even. It
doesn’t mean that you have to be their buddies. It just means that you won’t live with bitterness
in your heart toward them. You put the past in the past and move on.

5. How do I get my spouse to engage with me at the level I want him to?

I hear this question all the time. The truth is you can’t engage your spouse if he doesn’t want to
be engaged. Boundaries aren’t a form of manipulation. In fact boundaries release people to be
who they want to be.

What’s important for you is that you take responsibility for how YOU engage with him. So,
don’t nag or beg for him to engage. You need to give up the idea that you can control your
husband’s behavior with these tactics. He has a right to ignore you. It’s not right for him to do
that. But he does have the right. Rather than nag or beg, communicate honestly what your needs
and expectations are for the marriage. That’s only fair. Be as calm and rational as you possibly
can. It’s fair to ask for his engagement. After all, marriage is more than co-habitation. When

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you get married you die to your independent life and choose to prefer your new relationship over
your independence. You are now a team and as a team member you have to be in regular
communication with your teammate about how you can improve the relationship and fulfill your
purpose in life as a couple.

Next, refuse to let his actions control your emotions/moods. Remember, you are the CEO of
your emotions. (see above). Learn to love him for who he is not for who you want him to be.
Set boundaries with consequences. If he chooses to stay disengaged then I would follow his
lead. I would function more and more independently to show him the consequences of his
decision.

Pray for him. Ask God to work in his heart. And finally, develop a network of female friends
that can be your emotional support even if your husband isn’t.

6. I struggle most with people who are "Sieves" because it seems that no matter how careful I
am with them I always end up being a "Space Invader" in those relationships... even though I
try so hard to be careful. How do I keep from offending them?

I’ve got four recommendations based on my personal experience as a space invader.

Become a good listener. People communicate their boundaries verbally if you listen. You
may have to read between the lines but they are sending out signals regarding what’s
important to them.

Become a good observer of non-verbal cues. Even more than verbal cues, start noticing
facial expressions, hesitations in speech, nervous ticks, etc. These too are messages about
their comfort level.

Learn to ask permission. I hear myself asking permission now all the time. “Would you
mind if I play the music?” “Would you like me to pray for you or would that make you
uncomfortable?” “Can I repeat what you told me to others?” Every time you ask
permission you are validating the worth of the person you are talking to. Plus it is like a
survey. You are learning something new about that person that you can use over and over in
your relationship with them.

Learn to ask forgiveness. No one is perfect. You will undoubtedly invade more space. So
learn to be quick to ask forgiveness for your offenses.

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Part Six: Boundaries in Children

Video Interview: A mother of two tells of how her hurried life has put her at the center of her
family where she expects everyone to march to her orders. Her “to do” list is her god and her
daily planner, her bible. She finds herself saying “yes” to other people in order to show them
what a good Christian she is. In the end she realizes how mixed-up her priorities are.

Does that look all too familiar? Sometimes in the rush of life, we lose sight of our purpose –
especially as parents. This mother was so busy keeping other people happy that her children
became just another job on her “to do” list. She lost sight of her role as mother.

In the book, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” Stephen Covey mentions that one of the
habits we should all learn is to “begin with the end in mind”. In other words, before we start any
work, we should have a clear picture of our goal. That’s true for parents as well. The authors of
the book, Boundaries with Kids say…
“…one goal of parenting is to keep an eye on the future. We are raising children to be
responsible adults…Parenting has to do with more than the present. You are preparing your
child for the future. A person’s character is one’s destiny.” Boundaries with Kids, page 14

A person’s character is one’s destiny. That means that for parents, their job is not merely to
give their child food and clothing or to get them from band rehearsal to soccer practice on time.
Their job is to take an active role in the development of their child’s character. They need to
keep a picture in their mind of what they want their child to look like when they send them off as
an adult and then always work to that end.

What does a person with character look like? Listen to this definition…
“Character refers to a person’s ability and inability, his moral makeup, his functioning in
relationship, and how he does tasks. What does he do in certain situations, and how does he do
it? When he needs to perform, how will he meet those demands? Can he love? Can he be
responsible? Can he have empathy for others? Can he develop his talents? Can he solve
problems? Can he deal with failure? How does he reflect the image of God? These are a few of
the issues that define character.” Page 15 Boundaries in Kids

If building character is a parent’s goal, then how do they do it? That sounds like a superhuman
task. But as complicated as it sounds, I think we build character in children the same way God
builds character in us. The Bible gives a simple formula for building character;

Character = Bonding + Boundaries.

When parents bond with their children and help them set boundaries in their lives, they develop
godly character. Let me unpack this equation for you in more detail by comparing how God
parents us with how parents should raise their children.

First of all, the Bible tells us that when we believe in Jesus and choose to follow him, we become
God’s child.
To all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children
of God— John 1:12

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It’s at this moment that we become the object of God’s parenting. And as God’s child, he wants
to build godly character within us. Listen to what Peter told the church…
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness … he has given us his
very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature
… 2 Peter 1:3

When Peter talks about godliness and participating in the divine nature, he is talking about
developing character. He continues…
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness,
knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to
perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
2 Peter 1:4-8

God wants to reproduce in us goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness and

kindness. Too often people come to God and merely want his love. They aren’t interested in
being changed. But that’s what God has in mind for every one of us. God’s children need to
mature to resemble their Father. So how does develop our character? - through bonding and
boundaries. Let’s look at bonding first.

Bonding
With children and their parents, the bonding process begins right after birth when the baby is
placed in the mother’s arms. Through this the child gains the sense of safety and security. As
the child grows the bond is strengthened through different acts of love; the parents tuck them in
at night, they look them in the eye and listen to their stories at meal times, they comfort their
pain and wipe their tears and they encourage them when their child is afraid. Plus, the parent
shows up when the principal calls or even worse, the police - about their child’s misbehavior. All
of these communicate love to a child and helps develop a bond with them.

Bonding has to do with making a solid connection. It has to do with convincing a child that they
are loved unconditionally – that there’s nothing they can do that will separate them from the love
of their parent. One psychologist says…
“The best way to define bonding at its core is to say that when I am bonded, I “matter” to
someone. When we are bonded to another person, we feel that we make a difference to him, that
our presence is desired when we are around and missed when we are absent. This sense of
“mattering” is in direct contrast to feeling overlooked, forgotten, or even simply tolerated.”
Secrets of the Family Tree, page 148.

I’ve been talking about a parent and child but the same is true between God and us. God knows
how important bonding is, that’s why the Bible is full of God telling us how committed he is to
us.

The LORD your God will … neither fail you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she has borne? But even
if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on my hand. Isaiah
49: 15,16

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I love the thought of my name being on his hand. Ever time he checks his watch he thinks of
me!

My sheep recognize my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they
will never perish. No one will snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me,
and he is more powerful than anyone else. So no one can take them from me. John 10:27-29

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or
famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither
angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ
Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:31-39

The Bible is emphatic…God’s love is unconditional. We matter to God. He desires our presence
and he misses us when we are absent. Do you believe that? I do. When I’m not tracking with
God I think he senses it. The world isn’t quite right and he says to himself, “Something’s wrong
today…oh yeah, Remy’s dropped off the radar. I hope he gets back on track with Me.” He feels
the same way about you too.

Plus, God didn’t just tell us about his love, he showed us.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans
5:5

In the same way, parents need to demonstrate their love for their children. Children have to be
convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt- that their parents are for them and not against them –
that they love them, no matter what they’ve done – and that there’s nothing that will cause their
parents to turn their back on them.

But bonding isn’t as natural as it might seem. The cares of our busy life quickly distract us and
it’s easy to communicate the wrong message to our kids.

In a survey of hundreds of children, one researcher (Delmer Holbrook) came up with the top
three responses that fathers’ give their children’s requests to do something. The number one
response? "I'm too tired". Second place: "We don't have enough money" And third place: "Keep
quiet". These statements are the opposite of bonding.

Or listen to this. One time a reporter from the New York Times interviewed Marilyn Monroe. The
reporter knew that during her early years Marilyn had been shuffled from one foster home to
another. So the reporter asked her, "Did you ever feel loved by any of the foster families with
whom you lived?” Marilyn replied,
"Once, when I was about seven or eight. The woman I was living with was putting on makeup,
and I was watching her. She was in a happy mood, so she reached over and patted my cheeks
with her rouge puff…For that moment, I felt loved by her."

Marilyn Monroe was a success as a movie star but failed in life. After three broken marriages,
she died of a drug overdose at the age of 36. I have to wonder if her death didn’t ultimately come
from her never having bonded with anyone.

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But bonding alone doesn’t produce character in a child. In fact, bonding, by itself, produces
spoiled, self-centered children. I watched Nanny 911 last week - it’s a great show that’s all
about boundaries and children - and the parents were well bonded to their children. But that
family was in crisis. The parents had totally lost control of their two boys.

The parents loved them very much - so much that they never wanted to make them unhappy.
Whatever their boys wanted they gave them. When they couldn’t sleep at night their parents
climbed into bed with them until they fell asleep. But when the Nanny arrived, she knew exactly
what to do. She went right to work at establishing boundaries for both the parents and the boys.
And this is the second part of our character equation: boundaries.

Character = Bonding + Boundaries.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are.. “knowing what you are responsible for and knowing what you are not
responsible for, knowing how to say “no” and knowing how to accept the “no” of others.”

Again, from the book Boundaries with Kids, it says that…

“Children are not born with boundaries. They internalize boundaries from external
relationships and discipline. In order for children to learn who they are and what they are
responsible for, their parents have to have clear boundaries with them and relate to them in
ways that help them learn their own boundaries.” Boundaries with Kids, page 18

Think about this: when a child is first born, the child has no responsibilities and the parents have
them all. Over the next eighteen years or so, it’s the parent’s job to transfer all of the
responsibility over to their child so that when the child moves away, they are totally responsible
for themselves and the parent is only a consultant with no direct responsibility.

It’s this transfer of responsibility where boundaries are formed. The child develops a sense of
who they are and who they aren’t – what they are responsible for and what they are not
responsible for. Bonding gives the child a sense of security but it’s the boundaries that give the
child a sense of identity and purpose.

The same thing happens spiritually. When we first turn our lives over to God we bond with him.
The Bible tells us that “the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by God’s Spirit” (Romans
5:5) but we have no spiritual boundaries. Some Christians like it that way. They want to know
God’s love but they have no interest in sharing his character. That’s why you can have a twenty
year believer who is still only a “baby Christian” because they never allowed God to add
boundaries to their bonding – and as a result, they have no character. But God wants to impart
his boundaries to us through the process of teaching or what the Bible calls ‘discipline’. The
Bible puts it this way…
[We train ourselves]… to recognize the difference between right and wrong and then do what is
right. Hebrews 5:12-14

All through out the Bible God tells us who we ought to be and what we are responsible to do.
The Ten Commandments are the most obvious example but there are countless other Bible
passages that instruct us. Like a wise parent, God rewards our obedience and he meets our
disobedience with consequences. But negative consequences aren’t a sign of God abandoning us.

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They are, in fact, a sign of God’s love. That’s what the book of Hebrews is getting at when it
says…
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by
his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are
illegitimate children and not true sons. Hebrews 12:7,8

And just as God disciplines us, we are to, in turn, discipline our children…
To discipline and reprimand a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an
undisciplined child. Proverbs 29:15
Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it.
Proverbs 22:6

Boundaries
But how, exactly, do we impart boundaries? We impart boundaries by teaching children to
understand the word “no”.

1. Teach children to respect the ‘no’ of others.

When children hear the word ‘no’, too often what they hear their parents say is ‘well, maybe, if
you ask a lot more and a lot louder’. But parents, don’t let your children get away with that!
That’s where consequences come in. Proverbs says…
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.
Pr. 22:15

Sometimes spanking might be an appropriate consequence but there are other creative ways to
offer discipline. The word ‘discipline’ means “to teach”. So, we aren’t talking about punishing.
We are talking about teaching.

If children don’t listen to your ‘no’, you don’t have to get in a power struggle. You can just start
taking away their privileges. Or, maybe you can simply offer an alternative to their idea. For
example, if you bring your kids over to my house and they start throwing a ball around our living
room, I won’t yell at them but I’ll ask them to stop and take them downstairs and show them our
foosball table. I was able to help them to respect my ‘no’ by giving them options.

The point is that a parent needs to teach their child to respect the requests of others. That’s a part
of building their character. The child that learns to respect the ‘no’ of others becomes an adult
that is sensitive, compassionate and loving.

2. Teach children to say ‘no’ to themselves.

The child who can’t say ‘no’ to themselves is the child that has to have what they want, when
they want it. They are never satisfied with what they have. They are always looking for
something new or getting more of what they already have. And when these children grow up
they are prime candidates for addictions. Ask any alcoholic what their biggest downfall is and
many of them will say it’s their inability to wait. They need instant gratification.

In the Bible, David’s son Solomon, was known for his lack of self-control. He couldn’t find it in
himself to say “no” to himself. He had 300 wives and 700 concubines. He obviously had some
self-control issues but he was the kings son, so people let him do what he wanted. (Maybe there
are areas in your life where you are doing the same?)

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 When Solomon reflected on his life he said…
“I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds
of fruit trees in them…I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me.
I amassed silver and gold for myself and the treasure of kings and provinces. I
acquired…harems as well as the delights of the heart of man…I denied myself nothing my eyes
desired; I refused my heart no pleasure.” Ecclesiastes 2:4-10

And did all of those things satisfy him? No, he said…

“Everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”
(2:11)

A wise parent will teach their child to set limits by learning to say ‘no’ to themselves. And when
they grow up they’ll be people of self-control, patience and perseverance.

3. Teach children to say ‘no’ to others.

I saved this point until last because I think it’s the most overlooked of the three. If parents want
their children to have the courage to “just say no” to their friends who want to them to do
something immoral or illegal, then parents have to teach their children to feel comfortable saying
‘no’ in their own home. In other words, your have to first teach your child to say “no” in a safe
environment before they will have the confidence to say “no” in an unsafe environment.

But what do parents say when children are two years old and they start using the word ‘no’?
They call it the “terrible twos” and some of them might spiritualize their behavior by saying that
they are “expressing their sin nature”.

That’s not true at all. Children are simply expressing their human nature. They use the word ‘no’
as a way to differentiate themselves from their parents. It’s a natural thing. It’s a good thing.
But if a parent gets mad at their child for using the word ‘no’ the child will learn that it’s not
okay to be a separate individual. They’ll learn that if they want to keep mom and dad happy,
they have to think like them and feel like them and act like them.

Between services this morning I saw a mother and her two year old get out of their car. The
mom reached out to grab the child’s hand and the child pulled away from her. Was he being
“naughty”? No, he just wanted to be a “big boy.” A mom can respond in two ways. She can tell
her son that “Mommy is very sad that you don’t want to hold my hand, especially on Mother’s
Day.” Or, she can say, “Wow, I’m so impressed! You are such a big boy!” Her son was saying
“no” to her. But hee wasn’t rebellious. He was merely experimenting with the idea of
separation. How his mom responds in that moment is going to tell him a lot about himself; who
he is and who he’s not - what he’s responsible for and what his mom is responsible for. He was
starting to form a boundary.

Let me give you another example. Imagine you are a parent of a four year old and it’s supper
time. You get half way through the meal and Johnny decides he doesn’t want to eat. What do
you do? Do you yell at him? Do you force food into his mouth? Do you threaten him or spank
him?

Here’s a suggestion. In a calm voice say,

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“Fine. You don’t have to eat supper. But before you decide to not eat, I want you to know that
that this is supper time and there won’t be any more food served until breakfast.”

Don’t dig in your heels and make it a power struggle. Consequences are God’s gift to parents so
let them do the work for you. Johnny is going to hit this offer like a hungry walleye striking a
lure! He doesn’t like the idea of not eating tonight but the chance at freedom is too much to
resist. So he bites and happily sits through dinner, elating in his new sense of “otherness” from
his parents.

Of course, you know what happens at 8:00 p.m. Johnny comes out and asks for his supper! You
don’t have to tell him how stupid he is or “I told you so”. In fact, you can empathize with him.
Tell him how bad you feel that he made that decision and how sorry you are that his tummy
hurts. But don’t fold! Keep to the deal. Calmly remind him that supper time is over and you’ll
be serving again in the morning.

Johnny might throw another fit, but then you simply usher him to his room and tell him that he is
free to throw a fit but not in your presence. You have the right to a peaceful evening and he
doesn’t have the right to ruin it with his inappropriate pity-party. When he can talk to you in a
normal voice you will be happy to listen. Be careful not to communicate that his fit is causing
you to break your bond with him. Make it clear that you love him and respect his choices. You
aren’t punishing him, you are simply making him abide by house rules.

By doing this, you affirm his right to say ‘no’ and you maintained your bond. You didn’t reject
him. Too often parents make the mistake of distancing themselves from their child when their
child expresses a thought, emotion or desire that they don’t like. That really messes with the
child because they don’t want to lose their parents love so they’ll often comply just to keep the
parent happy. If they do that over and over, they are being trained to take responsibility for the
happiness of others. Then, when they grow up and their friends ask them to do something
immoral or illegal or just plain stupid, they are going to have a tough time saying ‘no’ because
they’ve learned that it’s their responsibility to keep others happy. But if mom and dad give them
the freedom to disagree and say ‘no’ to them, then the child will develop a strong sense of self-
worth and be a person of honesty and integrity.

For those of you that are parents or parents to be, I hope you’ll take these things to heart and
consider how you might build character in the lives of your children. Character is developed by
bonding with your child and establishing boundaries.

Before I close, I want to address those of us who are parents of grown children. I was talking to a
friend this week who read a book on parenting and when he got to the end he was all depressed
because the book only reminded him of all of his parenting mistakes. And I’ve got to confess that
in developing this message I had my own share of regrets. That last point about not respecting
my kid’s thoughts and emotions is where I’m really guilty.

So, if you are like me or my friend, I want to remind you of God’s forgiveness. Parenting sins
are forgivable just like other sins. Jesus died for those errors just like all the others. I also want
to remind you that your failure can be God’s opportunity to move in your child’s life. God often
reveals himself in our weakness. If you were the perfect parent you might have the perfect child
and the perfect child might not realize how much they need God. So don’t beat yourself up!

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Talk to your kids about your mistakes, ask forgiveness if you need to, and ask God to use your
mistakes to draw your children closer to him.

Prayer: Father, thanks for being a great parent to us. Thank you that you have made your love
plain by bonding with us and giving us boundaries. In the same way, I pray for parents here to
follow your example. Help them to be passionate about developing the character of their child in
the same way. And for those of us that regret how we parented our children, help us to find your
forgiveness and the forgiveness of our children. Thank you that you can take our failure and
seize it as an opportunity to work in our children’s live for good.. Amen.

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