Showdown at Blessing Burgers

Excerpt from my work-in-progress:

Brother Bobcats Barf Burgers

By Patricia Backora

Craig grinned. AhI see you found our lost hat. We thought it flew in
the canal.
It sprouted angel wings and flew clear over to Bellisimos Pizza!
Fester roared. Gino, the guy that runs that dump, he saw me in the
parking lot and handed it to me. Said he wanted to thank them two
Blessing Burger boys for comin over to try his food. Wheres that
dumb dipstick Rayburn? I wanna see him now!
Craig called and a sheepish Rayburn appeared with a Hefty Bag.
Just look at Rayburn, Craig said. Hes wearing his hat, ready to
take out all the trash generated by the big crowd who came in to eat
your food. And all our guys and gals are wearing their caps, just like
theyre supposed to. Did Gino know the name of the fellows who ate
there today?
Dont you dare patriotize me, Craig German! Bobcat barked.
You better subjugate yourself under my authority like yore Bible
teaches. Now we both know Rayburn and Carlos were on break when
I was here a while ago. Rayburn, dont you know the meaning of
loyalty? I run this here business as a church ministry to bail poor
Christians out of poverty. And this is the thanks I git! What kind of an

ingratiated guy are you, anyway? Fester was no taller then Rayburn,
but he outweighed him three-to-one, and he stared him down.
Rayburn looked embarrassed, mostly because hed fibbed to Craig,
whod always been so nice to everybody. Sorry, Fester, I didnt mean
nothin by it. It wont happen again. I swear it wont.
You bet it wont, Fester growled. Pack up yore junk and git out.
Youre FIRED! And tell Carlos he can hit the road too. Aint nobody
supposed to eat their lunch nowhere else when they work here for free
food. Fine thanks I git for showin yall charity and lettin yall eat my
food for nothin!
Craig gnashed his teeth. All these months Wanda had pleaded with
him to give Brother Bobcat more time to show that he really was a
tender-hearted shepherd who was trying to lead his sheep to heaven.
Instead, he spread the foul stench of hell everywhere he went.
Craig whipped off his managers badge and flung it on a table.
Thats the last straw! I quit! Youre firing my best men over some
stupid piece of pizza? Maybe they got sick of eating barf burgers from
the glue factory, so I cant blame em!
You puny little worm! Fester fumed. You oughter git down on
your knees and thank the good Lord you even git to work for me! If I
hadnta hired you, you woulda been just like the rest of that
nameless, faceless crowd that sits in front of me while I preach, just
another fly on the wall I never even notice! Youre just a lightweight
nobody, Craig German!
At least I am lightweight! Craig shot back. Have you stepped on
the scale lately?
Hey, thats a cheap shot! Bobcat bellowed. You just hurt my
feelings!
So now you know how that feels! Craig cried. You just made
poor little Evita run off in tears, and you made Rosita cry too without
any justification. What kind of a man picks on girls?
Bobcat bit back. Youre tellin me, a self-made, successful multimillionaire, I aint no man? If you were any kinda man, you wouldnt
be strugglin to pay yore piddly bills by workin at some fast food joint!
Youre a loser, Craig German, thats why youre a quitter! Im the head
and youre the tail! God has blessed my basket and my barn while
youre doin without! I could pay yore bills with the loose change in my
pocket.
Then why dont you! Craig yelled. For cryin out loud, show a
little Christian compassion with your filthy lucre since you claim to
represent Jesus!
All within earshot gasped in shock. NO ONE had EVER dared
reproach their pastor like that! What would Fester do about it?

Instead of unleashing his usual mighty roar of indignation, The

Bobcat grinned like a kitten with a toy mouse. Craig, he said, you
know I love you like a brother in the Lord. But sometimes loves gotta
act tough. Chinamen have an old saying: Catch a man for a fish, you
feed him for one day. Teach him to use a fishin pole, you feed him for
a lifetime. Ever since youve been here, youve learned how to work
hard for your livin. If something was to happen to me, youd still
know how to survive in this old world. Now, aint that so, Craig?
Craig shrugged. Sure, pastor, I know the Lord would provide even
if this old world went up in smoke.
Fester chewed on that one. Problem with Christians is, Craig,
most of em sit on their duffs waitin to die so Christll take em up to
the sky to git free pie in the sweet by and by. He aint like that. There
aint no free lunch in Gods kingdom cause that nutty notions from
the devil. He said those who dont work dont eat.
Craig flushed. Ah, pastor, I think it was Paul who said something
like that, only Paul meant that those who were unwilling to work ought
not to eat. Jesus fed the five thousand free of charge. Jesus didnt
pass an offering plate around after that free lunch. Jesus said God
feeds the birds because he cares for them, and if God loves crows and
pigeons that much, surely He loves His own children even more, so we
can expect even better treatment than the birds.
A few customers got up out of their seats and cheered. Way to
go, Craig! Praise the Lord!
Fester felt like a pressure cooker with PMS. He wouldnt let some
penniless peon humiliate him like that.
Yeah, Craig, but the birds of the air have to go scratch for it. God
dont give em room service. By the way, whats Wanda doin to help
pay them bills?
Brother Bobcat, Craig said, tersely, didnt I tell you before she
had to quit nursing because her bloods low and she needs to rest up?
Fester smelled blood. He loved a good fight. So Wanda hasnt
chipped in to the family finances at all?
His patience sorely tried, Craig said, Once in awhile she helps the
neighborhood kids with their homework. And we turned our old tool
shed into a spare bedroom to rent out to college students. Weve got
one in there right now. That helps us keep body and soul together.
Fester looked at him in his cold, calculating way. First off, do yall
tithe out of the rent money you charge that college student?
Craig shook his head. All we charge him is ten bucks a week, since
its got no bathroom or utilities. We run an extension cord out to the
shed so he can run a fan and a reading light. Kyle stays there free of
charge in exchange for yard work whenever hes broke. And if things

get worse, we might be forced to rent the den out for a bedroom, too,
for more of course.
Fester chewed on that one. So what you need to do, Craig, is pay
one dollar tithe money on that shack youre rentin out to Kyle, and if
yall rent yore den out, youd need to pay us ten per cent of that too.
If you dont, youre robbin God.
No way! Craig argued. My Bible dont say nothin about tithin on
rent money, or any other kind of money. I did some research with my
Strongs Concordance, and I looked it up on the Internet. Tithin was
done ONLY on crops or cattle grown in Israel. We dont even have a
garden, and even if we did, I know all youre after is money, not beans
and tomatoes.
God dont need no tomaters! Fester flung back. Its money that
greases the wheels of Gods church, or didnt they teach you that in
Sunday School, boy?
That aint the point, pastor, you aint supposed to fiddle with Gods
Word to make it say whatever you want it to say. Besides, we dont
keep that cash, it goes straight to the landlord.
Instead of the real lord? Fester growled. Well git back to that
later. Does Wanda tithe out of the tuition she charges for helpin them
kids?
Craig laughed.
Whats so bloomin funny, Craig? This is dead serious!
Those kids parents swap favors with us, Fester. One boy brought
us a cherry pie his mom baked. A girl brought us fresh vegetables out
of their family garden. One mother watched our baby so Wanda could
go see her sick grandpa at the hospital. I had to work so I couldnt do
that myself.
Festers face fell. So you think yall are so rich Wanda can afford
to work without gittin money for it?
Jesus healed people for free, Fester. Aint you ever heard of the
barter system?
Fester stuck his lip out in a pout. Sounds like a left-wing Commie
plot to keep preachers from gittin their tithe money. Well, if Wanda
really loved Jesus, shed show it by payin the Lord ten per cent of the
value of those pies and baby-sittin jobs next time she shows up at
church.
The Lord? Craig sputtered. What do you mean by that? Am I
supposed to fly baggage class up to heaven and pay God fifty cents
per pie?
You know what I meant, bright boy! Pay ME the money!
So what you REALLY saying, Fester, paying God is the same as
paying you, right?
You bet yore boots!

So, puttin two and two together, that makes you God, since when
I give god money, its your hands takin it?
The dining room rang out with joyous laughter.
Fester flushed. The only two hands God has to take His money is
MY hands! Thats a fine way to treat yore spiritual dad, Craig German!
As I tried to tell Wanda awhile back, Fester, a real dad gives gifts
to his kids instead of takin money off of em all the time! A real dad
wouldnt let his own kids go hungry while he lives like a king!
Anxious to keep the point from sinking into the dining crowd,
Fester hurriedly said, I still dont understand why you claim youre too
poor to tithe, while Wanda could afford a babysitter, just to go say hi
to some sick old man in the hospital!
Cant you figure that out for yourself, Fester? Wanda couldnt take
the baby with her! Nobodys supposed to take a baby in there, or it
could catch germs and get sick!
Thats why she needed that
babysitter! You holler and scream at us that if we truly loved Jesus,
wed give you one tenth of everything in our pocket. Now, if you loved
Jesus, you woulda been concerned about Wandas loved one and
offered to pray for him.
I aint gonna pray till she pays! Bobcat barked.
No point in it anyway, Fester! Grandpa Cody died last week.
GOOD!
How can you be so mean, Fester! Craig cried. Wanda loved her
grandpa! She cried when he died after being sick so long. Wheres
your Christian compassion?
Bobcat boomed: Compassion takes a back seat to my hatred for
sin! I see people die and go to hell every single day for makin God
mad! MY Bible says the wages of sin is death! No wonder that guy
died! Ill bet he didnt tithe!
Oh, for heavens sake! Craig snapped. Grandpa Cody was close
to a hundred! He was 67 when Wanda was born! Did Methuselah fail
to reach his thousandth birthday because he didnt tithe on his sea
shells?
That aint the point, Craig! Wanda soaks up the same ministry at
Woodshed Worship Center as anybody else. She should pay her dues
just like any workin man! And this business about her havin low
blood is a bunch of baloney! Shed git de-LIVERed from it if shed eat
her liver. Then she could go back to nursin for a living.
So you want Wanda to eat her own liver? Craig cackled. Then
shed be too dead to go back to nursing!
That cracked everybody up.
Bobcat scowled.
No noise from the peanut gallery! Bobcat called. If yall aint
here to eat, git!

Most folks were enjoying the show too much to leave.

So now youre a trained doctor whos qualified to make a diagnosis
and prescribe treatment for Wandas condition? Craig continued. If
your wife got sick youd fly in specialists from all over the world,
wouldnt you?
Dont counterdict me, Craig German! You know what I meant
about eatin her liver! I know hypo-country-aks when I see em!
Wanda looks fine when she comes to church. But she wont look fine if
she dies from mannutrition!
Fine, well go to the food bank if you wont do nothin to be a
blessing!
Craig, Fester said sarcastically, that aint a Christian thing to do,
robbin some secular food bank.
Paul did something even worse, Craig retorted. He robbed
churches.
Craig, youre pullin my leg. You cant prove that and you know it!
Anybody here got a Bible? Craig asked the diners.
I got one, Craig, an elderly lady said. She dug it out of her big
purse.
Craig found a scripture reference in its concordance. Here. Ill
read it.
2 Cor.11:7: Have I committed an offence in abasing myself that ye
might be exalted, because I have preached to you the gospel of God
freely?
8 I robbed other churches, taking wages of them, to do you service.
9 And when I was present with you, and wanted, I was chargeable to
no man: for that which was lacking to me the brethren which came
from Macedonia supplied: and in all things I have kept myself from
being burdensome unto you, and so will I keep myself.
Its in the Good Book, Brother Bobcat. Paul, the same apostle who
made tents so he could eat and who said those who refused to work
shouldnt eat, wellhere Paul admits in verse 8 that he robbed other
churches so he could keep on preaching to the Corinthians. The
poverty-stricken church of Macedonia supported Paul while the richer
Corinthian church was way too stingy to support his ministry.
When youre hungry enough, pride flies out the window and youll
accept any food you can get from anybody who offers it to you.
Sometimes youre so hungry you even ask for free food, just like Elijah
asked for food from a starving widow woman who didnt even have
enough for herself and her son. Paul had to eat, and so does every
other Christian, irregardless of whether they can find a job or not.

God looks on the motivations of the heart, not how big your checking
account is.
Handclaps and cheers from the dining room.
As Fester lingered at the door glowering, Craig picked on one of
the preachers pet peeves. What was that you said about stay-athome dads who let their wives support them while they mind the kids?
What have you got against those guys, Fester?
Dont git me started on that one! Fester looked mighty sour.
No kidding, Brother Bobcat, whys it such a big sin to be a stayat-home-dad?
It dont take no brains to figger that one out! Only a sissy would
stay home and take care of kids!
Why, Fester?
Cause its the mans job to earn the living!
Then who should take care of the kids and the house?
The woman!
Then Wandas doing what shes supposed to do, Fester. Lord
knows she cant be in six places at once. Just read I Timothy 5:14.
Married women are supposed to keep the kids and clean house. It
dont say nothin about her goin to work at the hospital or the shirt
factory. So why are you so ticked off about Wanda not going out to
work to contribute to our finances?
Cause you aint doin a good enough job of it yourself!
Craig smiled sadly and shook his head. That aint the real reason,
is it, Fester? Be honest now. With me the only one workin, you just
get one tithe, not two.
Fester looked like he could spit thumbtacks. His beady eyes roved
back and forth. His mouth tightened. That aint so! I was just
concerned you wouldnt have the money to pay yore bills! Your fast
food job aint even worth a livin wage and you know it!
Struggling for composure, Craig said, Which brings us back to
square one, Fester. My bad finances. I tried to moonlight so Wanda
could stay home, but you kept tellin me I had to be on call both night
and day, in case the other managers got sick and I had to fill in for
them. So its YOUR dad-blamed fault I cant make it!
Dont you dare cuss in my presence, Craig German! Bobcat
rebuked. I didnt want you workin no second job for nobody else if it
was gonna make you way too tired and ornery to do a decent job for
me. Besides, theres a live-in maids job open at my main residence, if
Wanda wants to git up offa her blessed assurance and apply for it.
Considerin I just fired you from yore job, its awful nice of me to even
consider hirin her.
You didnt fire me, Fester, I quit!
Well, I woulda done it, if you hadnt beat me to it!

Well, Fester, were back at Square One. You want both of us to

work, but Im unemployed now, so somebodys gotta keep the kids. If
you want Wanda to work at your place, Id miss my wife. Id have to
watch the kids myself, and she wouldnt even get to live with em. So
hows that for Christian family life?
Well, Fester grumbled, Wanda, shed be well taken care of, and
were all Christians there. Wed treat er real good. Wed give er full
doctor and dental, a nice room, fine food, and we wouldnt work er
too hard. I promise.
Fester could barely keep a straight face. What fun to cut Craig
down, with the whole dining room watching.
His face flushed, Craig waved his hands. No sir, rich or poor, Im
the head of my own house, and I say Wanda aint goin nowhere! I
already told ya the doctor warned Wanda she needed to rest or her
fainting spells would just get worse.
Fester looked like a bulldog with a chew toy. Doctor? If yall can
afford a doctor, Craig, you people cant be that poor.
Her daddy pays for it! Craig wailed. When Crawleys Catfish
Plant burnt down, I lost my supervisors job, and my medical
insurance! Then the recession hit, and it hit hard. So I had to swallow
my pride and let him help.
Wagging his head, Fester said, No Christian man worth his salt will
let an unbeliever do for his family what he should be doin for himself.
I Timothy 5:8 says If any believer dont take good care of his loved
ones, he aint even a Christian.
I DONT CONTROL THIS DAD-BLASTED ECONOMY, AND GOD CANT
HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT IT DID TO ME! Craig yelled for all
the world to hear. My Wanda is sick, Brother Bobcat! But she drags
me to your church because she still believes in you. Why, Ill never
know, cause you aint got one molecule of Gods love in you! If
anybody asks a question you dont like, you crucify that person!
Dont cuss, Craig! Bobcat waved his hands. If youd quieten
down right now, Ill let you ask any question you like. Now, what else
you got to say? Ask me a question, Craig. Any question. I aint too
chicken to answer it.
Okay, Fester. For the sake of argument, lets just pretend I didnt
just quit Blessing Burgers. If Wandas too weak to work outside the
home, and shes doing her best to obey that scripture which
encourages wives and mothers to take care of their own homes, and
our bills are bigger than the wages you pay me, and since its you who
wont let me take a second job, then why dont you take responsibility
for that? Why dont you chip in a few bucks for my gas and light bill to
make up for the fact I cant work that second job? Why not give me a
big fat bonus for the way I held this place together all those crazy days

you walked in here and upset everybody, fired my best workers, and
cut peoples hours when it got so busy the two people left on duty
couldnt fly fast enough to keep up? So pay me for all the extra work I
did, Fester. Its only fair. Youre a multi-millionaire and youd never
miss it. After all, youre never too ashamed to ask us for donations. So
why wouldnt you?
Cause Id have to do that for every other lazy bum in the church
with a sob story, thats why! Bobcat boomed. I dont coddle
Christians, either man or woman! Im a good old-fashioned kick em
up the pants preacher who lays it on the line, and Ill be that way till
Jesus comes again and His angels fly a jumbo jet to bring me the
biggest crown in heaven!
And as for me not wantin men to do womens work, but I still
want wives to go out to work alongside their husbands, this is what I
got to say about that, and its as plain as the nose on your face: My
Bible teaches that God invented women to make life easier for men,
not the other way around. Craig, if you cant cut it as a provider, let
Wanda git up off of her fanny and go empty bedpans at the hospital
like every other nurse! Youre behind the eight-ball, Craig, and if you
dont pay yore bills youll be campin out in the park and scroungin
scraps outa dumpsters! Let Wanda pull her own weight, even if she is
feelin poorly! She aint no privileged character!
Craig counted to ten. What about your wife, Fester? What if people
didnt pay you tithes and you needed cash? What if your ministry
went belly-up and you couldnt beg for love gifts on TV anymore?
Would you make Sugar go empty bedpans at the hospital, even if she
was sick? Would you farm your wife out to work as a rich mans maid?
Thats different! Were in the ministry, and by gum, were gonna
stay there! You and your family are lower on Gods totem pole so yall
are supposed to serve us! My Bible says you gotta pay us double
honor, and that means double money, not just lip service! Your wife
just wants an easy ride! One day Wandas gonna wake up out in the
alleyway with the stray cats and shell find out the neighbors cherry
pie didnt pay the landlord, and when she does, itll be her own tough
luck! Proverbs teaches that lazy folks are worthless bums!
So who wrote Proverbs? Craig shouted. Solomon, who had
leisure time to wine and dine a thousand women! While Solomon wrote
fancy love poems, other people sweated and slaved to make it possible
for him to do that!
Youre dodgin the bullet, Craig German, and blasphemin the
godliest child-rearin expert who ever walked on two legs!
Yeah, Fester, the same godly child-REAR-ing expert who built
ugly child-eating idols for his silly women! The same guy who
murdered his own brother so he wouldnt get his throne! The same

guy who whipped his slaves to make em work harder in the rock
quarries, just to make his own life nicer! Wonder if Solomon ever had
to send his wives to go work at Burger King so he could pay his gas
and electric bill!
They didnt even have hamburgers back then! Fester roared.
The good Lord let hamburgers be invented so thered be burger joints
to work at, so women like Wanda wouldnt have any excuse to lay in
bed all day instead of makin themselves useful and earnin money to
support Gods ministers so they can keep on bein a blessing to people
who cant figger out the Bible for themselves!
Ill ignore that ignorant remark for the moment, Fester, Craig
huffed through gritted teeth, but Ill let you in on a secret: I did some
research, and the word minister means servant. Thats what Jesus
taught when he went around with a towel and washed His own
disciples feet. Let those who want to be the greatest of all be as
humble as a slave! If thats true, we aint supposed to serve you,
youre supposed to serve us!
Well, Mr. pretend-preacher, thats perzactly what I do week in and
week out! I stand up in that auditorium under blazin hot TV lights and
serve yall the bread of life. And this is the thanks I git!
One or two sermons a week! Craig cried. At most, thats
between one and two hours work a week, depending on how longwinded you are. And I do believe you get paid mighty handsomely for
it. Look at me. I work 50, 60 hours a week sometimes, and were still
struggling to keep food on the table.
Brother Bobcat grinned. He had his mouse by the tail. He was
enjoying this. Thats just it, Craig, my boy. The more your work is
worth, the less time you hafta spend doin it to make a decent living.
Any TV preacher thats smart enough to draw big crowds makes a
boatload of money while you git peanuts cause there aint enough
preachers like me out there. But theres billions of burger flippers in
the universe, and theyre a dime a dozen. People send me money
cause they appreciate the Bible-teachin talent God gave me. When
weve been there ten thousand years, theyll still be blessed by all the
spiritual wealth I shared with them. But whos gonna remember all
the two-bit things you did day in and day out?
Several customers stood up. Some yelled, Well remember you,
Craig! You bet your boots we will! God bless you, brother!