A psychiatrist gave some pills and said, 'Take these and you'll feel much better.

'
Patient replied 'But there's nothing wrong with me, it's the rest of the world!'
He said 'Yes, I know, but it's easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.'
Patient: I want you to check my teeth ache
Dentist: Came with the instrument
Patient: Scream like anything
Doctor: I have not touch even your teeth
Patient: But you are stamping on my foot
A cyclist saw a girl about to jump a bridge, so he stopped his bike
Cyclist : What are you doing..??
Girl : Committing suicide
...
Cyclist : OK, but first i would like to kiss you, Please ?
The girl agrees and they kiss passionately
After the kissing..
.
.
.
Cyclist : That was lovely , Anyway why are you committing suicide?
Girl : Coz my parents don't like it when i dress up like a girl and wear make-up
The cyclist jumps over the bridge :D

In a kindergarten, a teacher asks one of her students, Can you really

count?
Yes, teacher, my dad taught me to. The small boy replies.
Whats after nine? the teacher asks back, also gesturing the digit with
her fingers.
Ten! the child answers, grinning from ear to ear.
Wow, youre really smart! She praises the boy, happy that the father
really taught him.
Then, she asks again, And whats after ten?
The boy replied, Jack, Queen and King.

"How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting '13...13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I
saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14...14....14'"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall,
closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I
mean," she whispers, "I would do anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
Urea, a chemical found in your pee, is added to cigarettes to enhance flavor.

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Teacher: What's the chemical formula for water? Sam: "HIJKLMNO". Teacher: What?! Sam: Yesterday you said it's H to O! Teacher: Sam,
give me a sentence starting with "I". Sam: I is ..... Teacher: No, Sam, always say "I am ...." Sam: Alright ... umm ... "I am the 9th letter of the
26 alphabets" Teacher: If I have 7 oranges in one hand and 8 on the other, what would I have? Class: Big Hands!!!!!!
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.

You were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good
"The awkward moment when mario dies form touching a turtle, when he can smash through bricks."
This cute boy asked : Why do we see lightning before hearing thunder?
His senior replied : Because our eyes is in front of our ears.

I was going to tell a chemistry joke but was afraid

there'd be no reaction.
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope
and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new
boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with bob and he is so nice-even with all his
piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and bob said that we will be very
happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with
me and that's now one of my dreams too. bob taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading
it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so bob can get
better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back
to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Jessy... PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call
when it is safe for me to come home...."

2 Scientists work in to a bar one says can i have some H2O the other asks for some H2O too. he dies
Stop joking around and B. cereus!
A teacher asks their students "Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?"
After a moment of silence a ten-year old student puts his hand up and answers,
"I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need
it."
Nobita: "LAW OF CONSERVATION OF KNOWLEDGE: 'No matter how long the lecture may be, the knowledge before and after lecture
remains constant!'"
shh do not disturb me I am staring at this carton of orange juice cause it says concentrate...

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?...Because it was polar :-P

i was gana tell a sodium joke but Na

I was going to tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon
So an atom having a chat with a another atom and says " I've lost my electron!"
other atom asks "Are you sure?"
Helium " I'm Positive"
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
i think all these chemistry jokes are kind of boron. Well,

all the good ones argon. yeah, but this one's

beryllium. I like the way you zinc.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender says: for you, no charge
A house was on the fire with 25 people inside. A blonde went inside & saved 6 by pulling them out but she was jailed.
Why? because all 6 were firemen.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me."
Now there's an empty plate and a note that says, "Don't worry, I don't eat paper."

Dear Mom,
I'm wearing skinny jeans. If I can't get them off neither can the rapist.
Love, your daughter.
You're as useless as the 'H' in John.
Was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said"Hi! how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you sitting here!". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I
said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions"
"I'll be there in 5mins. If not, read this again."

Somebody once asked what we do with dead chemists. We barium of course

Teacher : whoever answers my
next question can
go home.
* one boy throws his bag out the window*
Teacher : who just threw that?!
Boy : Me! "Im going home now"
"I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I remembered that I was listening to my iPod."
a brunette, a redhead and a blonde are going to be executed by the fire squads.
first was the brunette. "any last words?" "no." "ready, aim.." "TORNADO!" everybody turned and she managed to escape.
next was the redhead. "any last words?" "no." "ready, aim..." "EARTHQUAKE!!" everyone turned and she managed to escape.
next was the blonde. she thought she has figured it out. "any last words?" "no." "ready, aim...." "FIRE!!!!!"

HEY! Hey you! Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He's all right now! GET IT? All RIGHT! annoying orange
My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said:
"At the end of this ruler is an idiot!"
I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to.

-Who's the bossWikipedia: I know everything

Google: I have everything
Facebook: I know everybody
Internet: Without me, you guys are nothing
Electricity: Keep talking, bitches.