What is the Ego ?

Published by Gerard van Warmerdam February 26th, 2013 0 Comments

The ego is an identity of our own construction, an identity which is false. If we take all the
beliefs of what we are beliefs about our personality, talents, and abilities we have the
structure of our ego. These talents, abilities and aspects of our personality will be attributes
of our skills, but the mental construct of our self is artificial. And while this description
might make the ego seem like a static thing, it is not. Rather, it is an active and dynamic
part of our personalities, playing an immense role in creating emotional drama in our lives.
When we have thoughts about our self that we agree with we construct a self-image. The
kinds of thoughts that contribute to the ego structure are:
Im not good at math.
I am smart.
My freckles make me ugly.
Nobody likes me.
I am better than you.
That was stupid of me.
The ego hides behind the I and me in those declarative thoughts and statements about
our identity.
When we have such thoughts and agree with even the slightest conviction that these ideas
define us, then we are building, or reinforcing, an ego. We first have these thoughts when
we are kids, perhaps when we were teased on the playground, or when reprimanded or
praised by a teacher or parent. In all cultures, developing a self-image is a normal part of
socialization. Problems arise, however, when that self-image is negative, inaccurate, or
even overly positive. Considering that we develop our concept of self as children, it is
inevitable that our self-image doesnt map to reality as adults.
The Ego Unmasked
Why is the ego so hard to explain or describe? The ego is difficult to define because the
ego isnt one specific thing. It is actually made up of many different beliefs that a person
acquires over their life. Those beliefs can be diverse and even contradictory. To further
complicate it, each persons ego is different. If someone were to clearly identify and
describe all the parts of their ego and what it drives them to do, you might not get a good
description of what yours looked like. The challenge of becoming aware of what your
personal ego looks like becomes more difficult because our culture doesnt reward us for
directing our attention inward and noticing such things.
How to Spot the Ego

The ego is difficult to see, because it hides behind opinions that appear true our
attachment to descriptions of our identity and because we havent practiced looking. You
can get a glimpse by noticing certain thoughts, similar to those listed above. The easier
way to spot the ego is by the trail of emotional reactions it leaves behind: Anger at a loved
one, a need to be right, a feeling of insecurity in certain situations, feelings of jealousy that
are unexplained, the need to impress someone, and so on. These emotions can be attributed
to the false beliefs that comprise the ego. In the beginning it is easier to see the symptoms
of resulting emotions and drama, rather than the ego that caused it.
One of the most deceptive aspects of the ego is that it generates powerful emotional
reactions, and then blames us for how it made us feel. The anger we react with comes from
ego based beliefs of being right and knowing better than someone else. Perhaps there is
also a victim interpretation of betrayal or injustice underneath. After we overreact with
anger we might feel badly for what we expressed. The ego shifts to a righteous self that
knows better and berates us for overreacting with anger. At the same time, it assumes
the identity of being the stupid idiot that didnt know any better and takes the blame for
overreacting. All these attitudes, thoughts, and beliefs take place in the mind, and even
though they are completely different, we assume all of them come from us. If they really
were expressions coming from our genuine self, they wouldnt contradict, and we would be
able to stop them.
To the unaware person, it is difficult to discern the difference between what is ego and what
is really them. They are left to wonder, What came over me that I reacted that way?
Even their post-emotional analysis lacks the consideration to see the different parts of their
belief system at work as separate from themselves. As a result, everything they express is
blamed on themselves by one of the condemning voices in their head. In effect, the ego
hijacks the analysis and turns it into a self-criticism/blame process. When the ego controls
the self-reflection process you have no chance of seeing the root cause of your emotional
dramas, as the ego reaffirms itself and hides in the self-criticism.
Is the ego arrogant or insecure?
Having an ego is usually associated with arrogance and is a term used to describe
someone who thinks they are better than others. Yet this is only one part of the ego. In
fact, it is possible to have some positive self-esteem and some negative self-esteem we
are aware of these different beliefs at different times. The negative beliefs about our self
make up our negative self-esteem, while our positive thoughts comprise our positive selfesteem. Together, the negative and positive esteem forms our ego.
Quite often, these two aspects of our personality are nearly equal in magnitude and offset
each other emotionally. A person who is very hard on themselves with their inner critic
may have feelings of worthlessness. This is a painful emotion to live with, and in order to
mask the pain, they might cover it up with bravado, projecting an image of security and
confidence, all the while struggling with feelings of insecurity, worthlessness and
inadequacy.

Arrogance is markedly different from the confidence that doesnt come from ego. A person
can be completely confident in their ability, skill, or self-acceptance, without letting it go
to their head and impacting their interactions with others. And while humility may often
be mistaken for shyness and insecurity, a person of true humility is fully present and at
peace with themselves and their surroundings. Confidence without arrogance, humility
without insecurity, these are manners of personality that are without the self-image
dynamics of the ego.
Letting Go of the Ego
Because the ego has multiple aspects, it is not practical or effective to dissolve all of it at
once, nor is it likely that you could do so. Much like a tree or large bush that is overgrown
in the yard, you dont just lift it out and throw it away you cut off manageable pieces
instead. The same approach is effective with letting go of the false beliefs that make up the
ego. You begin by detaching from individual thoughts that reinforce the ego, then let go of
beliefs, separating yourself from the false identity of your ego.
We have spent years building our ego self-images, living inside of them, and reinforcing
them. Extracting our genuine self out of this matrix of false beliefs will take more than a
few days. Yes, it will take a while so what. It also took a while to learn to read, do math,
walk, and develop proficiency at any valuable skill. Things worth doing take time and
practice. What better thing do you have to do than let go of what is causing you
unhappiness?
For a practical step-by-step process in identifying and changing the core beliefs that
comprise the ego, sample the free sessions of the Self-Mastery series.
2

What is the Ego, Anyway?

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The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell
you. ~Carl Jung
Imagine just having been born.
You dont know anything. Youve never experienced anything.
But suddenly there is light, and chaos. Youre exposed, and cold. Blurry shapes are
moving all around you. Sounds strike you with an edge much sharper they ever
had in the womb. The whole scene is bright and loud, and the shapes move so
quickly.

There is so much happening. It is all completely alien and extremely intense. Its
upsetting. You cry.
Among other things, you are seeing what you will later learn to call faces. But they
are not faces yet. They are shapes, with a pattern that will soon become familiar to
you.
You are hearing what you will later be told are voices. One of them is already very
familiar to you. You will be told to call it Mommy.
The one thing you are certainly not aware of, is you. You are aware of all these
shapes and sounds and feelings, but you arent perceiving them as happening to
you or to anyone else. You are only aware that they are happening.
How will you ever make sense of it all?
Luckily, you are human (though youre not aware of that yet) and human minds
have the power of association. Without even trying, you begin to associate certain
shapes and sounds with certain thoughts. You associate your mothers voice with
comfort. Your mothers voice becomes comfort. You might associate the dark with
sleepiness, maybe loneliness too. You might associate bathtime with fun, or horror,
depending on what happens emotionally during your bathtimes.
Associations like this accumulate. From experience, X makes you expect Y. Then X
begins to symbolize Y. Eventually X may become indistinguishable from Y. Youll
keep adding them over time.
This is handy for sorting out the chaos around you. You can tell, for example, that
the thing with the warm hands and soothing voice is usually good news for you.
Its a simple association. This is the primary tool youll use to make sense of the
whirling scenes around you.
You are still only looking outwards, and it has not yet occurred to you to inquire as
to what is doing the looking. After all, the entirety of existence every shape,
sound, character and story appears to be there, somewhere outwards. You dont
yet have a reason to contemplate what is at the center of all this action.

Over the first few years of your life, you will be taught that certain shapes and
thoughts and sensations are you. When you look down, youll notice several
appendages extending away from your point of view, which you will be taught are
your body and your arms and your legs.
At this point, there is still nothing to suggest that there is any boundary between
you and the world around you. The feet you see when you look down are just
things out there, no more you or yours than the floor beneath them.
But those words the adults use: you and yours, for which you learn to
substitute me and mine, will eventually trigger you to assign a special status to
certain things.
They tell you the red book is yours, and the blue book is not yours.
The things youve vested with this special status begin to carry extra weight,
emotionally speaking. To lose the red book is much worse than losing the blue
book, because the red book was yours.
Through all your interactions with other people, you begin to build a concept of
what is at the center of all of this stuff happening: a person, kind of like the people
youve come to know in your life. They dont look like you though; from your point
of view they are arranged quite differently. You wouldnt suspect, for example, that
you have, hidden from your immediate view, a face like the ones youve seen on
others.

The worst association of all

The most devastating turn of events happens nearly the same way for almost
everyone. You are looking in a mirror, marveling at the child on the other side of
the glass, when your parent says, Thats you.
At first it makes no sense, because they are pointing at the toddler in the mirror,
not at you. And that familiar toddler, the occasional friend of yours where is he
when youre not in front of the mirror? He never seems to make an appearance
anywhere else.

Your parents are quite stubborn about calling him you, even though thats your
nickname, and eventually you do take their word for it. Above all else youve
already learned that your parents know better than you, and you gradually digest
this unlikely-sounding claim like any other.
As you get older, you will associate more and more worldly things with you. Your
clothes. Your toys. Your friends. Your room. Your house. A bit of you seems to be
invested everywhere. There is a lot to worry about, because your fate seems to
depend, at least a little, on the fate of each of these objects too.
But it gets heavier. Along with those, you begin to identify with intangible things
which also carry this special, extra-sensitive status.
Your turn. Your idea. Your way. Your problem. Your fault.
By this time, you will have no doubts whatsoever that the image in the mirror is
you. Now the collection of thoughts and objects with that special status has a clear
appearance and a compelling storyline, and you become hopelessly preoccupied
with tending to it.
That figure in the mirror, disappointingly tiny compared to the 360-degree world
you were preoccupied with before, becomes the most important part of the
scenery to deal with. You begin to associate your history and your traits with it:
how smart it is, what it is good at and bad at, what it deserves, what it fears, what
it hopes for, where it has been and where it is going.
Its all you really have. God forbid anything will happen to it.
By this time you are completely convinced that this image and its story comprise
the entirety of who you are. There is nothing outside of it.

Steering the story

And ever after, anything that happens to that image, and the story that goes with
it, is happening to you. When the story goes how you want, the image gains
something. It looks better. When it disappoints, the image loses something, and
you dont like it as much.
Because this face and this story allegedly comprise the entirety of who you are,
the importance of steering this storyline and its vulnerable little hero grips you
with the most dire seriousness.
Even though most of what happens to it is beyond your control, you find it
absolutely imperative that the image and its story become something you like. At
this, you mustnt fail.
But the story always seems to be deviating from its ideal path, and it will always
feel like something is wrong, or at least in danger of going wrong. Something that
is supposed to happen hasnt happened yet, or something has happened that
wasnt supposed to.
For all our skill in manipulating the story, deep down we know circumstances could
crush us at any time. But we do our best to steer it towards a storyline we can
accept. We feel a constant need to make adjustments, to secure a future that will
fulfill this most important of all needs.

This is the game we learn to play, and its very, very hard to win.

You are never what you think you are

The face in the mirror, and the haphazard story we associate with it, is the ego.
In other words, the ego is what you think you are.
The ego is often defined as a false sense of self, but I think thats misleading. It
implies that there is an accurate way of thinking of who you are, and an inaccurate
way. Bad self-esteem and good self-esteem. But whos to say if your image is right
or not? Self-esteem is ego, whether your self-thoughts comfort you or horrify you.
How could our thoughts even possibly pin down who we are? How could our
notoriously fickle, free-associating monkey minds ever come up with an
meaningful estimation of what the combination our jobs, faces, body-types,
relationships, capabilities, experiences, fears and desires actually mean? All that
stuff is the content of your life; its the style, the flavor, but do all those details
really add up to a person?
Of course not, because what we think of ourselves is constantly changing, not just
day to day, but moment to moment, and mood to mood. At different times, I have
thought of myself as anything from an insufferable loser, to a freaking genius, to a
guy who can never quite get his shit together, to a guy whos never had a serious
problem in his life. What I think I am is so fickle and so dependent on moods and
circumstances, that it cant possibly be right ever!
The ego is always just a big, seething grab-bag of thoughts that could be different
at any time. But usually we dont recognize that. Generally, in the colloquial way
we talk about people, as in you and me, were referring to our egos our
acquired identities, based on the forms in our life.
That is to say, its completely normal in our society to confuse your ego for
yourself. It has never even occurred to most people that they are not what they
think they are.

This has enormous implications for the quality of our lives and our societies, too
enormous to cover in the scope of this article. For now, suffice it to say that the
worst of human behavior stems from this brutal mistake.
Clearly you cant be your thoughts. After all, who would you be when youre not
thinking?
So what are you then? Whats left over? You know youre not who you think you
are, or at least who you think you are is only an undependable, highly
circumstantial part of the whole story.
Remember, we didnt have an ego when we were born. We accumulated it through
making associations. So who what was doing that thinking and perceiving,
before it was even aware of itself?
If you recall:
You are aware of all these shapes and sounds and feelings, but you arent
perceiving them as happening to you or to anyone else. You are only aware that
they are happening.
How do we get back there? Is it possible, after all the self-ascribing opinions weve
taken on over the years? We need a way to see clearly what we were before the
ego came along and said Hey, Im you.
We cant untangle this mess of thoughts with more thinking any better than we
could clean a dirty floor with more dirt.
Thats where Douglas Hardings work becomes particularly useful. Stay tuned.

3
Self esteem

Self-Esteem
What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is how we value ourselves; it is how we perceive
our value to the world and how valuable we think we are to others. Self-esteem affects

our trust in others, our relationships, our work nearly every part of our lives. Positive
self-esteem gives us the strength and flexibility to take charge of our lives and grow
from our mistakes without the fear of rejection.
Following are some outward signs of positive self-esteem:
1
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5
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Confidence
Self-direction
Non-blaming behavior
An awareness of personal strengths
An ability to make mistakes and learn from them
An ability to accept mistakes from others
Optimism
An ability to solve problems
An independent and cooperative attitude
Feeling comfortable with a wide range of emotions
An ability to trust others
A good sense of personal limitations
Good self-care
The ability to say no

What is low self-esteem? Low self-esteem is a debilitating condition that keeps

individuals from realizing their full potential. A person with low self-esteem feels
unworthy, incapable, and incompetent. In fact, because the person with low selfesteem feels so poorly about him or herself, these feelings may actually cause the
persons continued low self-esteem.
Here are some signs of low self-esteem:
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Negative view of life

Perfectionist attitude
Mistrusting others even those who show signs of affection
Blaming behavior
Fear of taking risks
Feelings of being unloved and unlovable
Dependence letting others make decisions
Fear of being ridiculed

How can you raise low self-esteem?

Feelings of low self-esteem often build up over a lifetime, and letting go of ingrained
feelings and behaviors is not an easy task. It may take time, hard work, and it may
require professional counseling. But there are some simple, positive thinking
techniques that can be used to help improve self-esteem. These are called
affirmations.
Using affirmations to stop negative self-talk is a simple, positive way to help increase
self-esteem. Affirmations are encouraging messages we can give ourselves every day
until they become part of our feelings and beliefs. Affirmations work best when a
person is relaxed. But since people are often upset when they are giving themselves
negative self-messages, they may need to counter negative messages with positive
ones.
For example, replace the message I made a stupid mistake, and I am no good at this
job, with Yes, I made a mistake but I have learned from it, and now I can a better job.
Begin each day by looking in the mirror and giving yourself a positive message. The
following affirmations can help you to work toward a positive self-image:
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I respect myself and others

I am lovable and likable
I am confident, and it shows
I acre about myself
I am creating loving, healthy relationships
I am a good friend to myself and others
I accept myself just as I am
I look great
Life is good, and I like being a part of it

Site: www.PRPonline.net
ASAP offers confidential, cost-free assessment, counseling, consultation and
referral services to all UCDHS faculty, staff, and their family members. Whether
the problem is work-related, personal, career or relationship focused, ASAP can
assist you in evaluating and resolving the problem.
You can call ASAP at 916-734-2727 for an appointment
2

Self-Confidence
Self-confidence is an attitude which allows individuals to have positive yet realistic views
of themselves and their situations. Self-confident people trust their own abilities, have a
general sense of control in their lives, and believe that, within reason, they will be able to
do what they wish, plan, and expect. Having self-confidence does not mean that individuals
will be able to do everything. Self-confident people have expectations that are realistic.
Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to
accept themselves.

People who are not self-confident depend excessively on the approval of others in order to
feel good about themselves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They
generally do not expect to be successful. They often put themselves down and tend to
discount or ignore compliments paid to them. By contrast, self-confident people are willing
to risk the disapproval of others because they generally trust their own abilities. They tend
to accept themselves; they dont feel they have to conform in order to be accepted.
Self-confidence is not necessarily a general characteristic which pervades all aspects of a
persons life. Typically, individuals will have some areas of their lives where they feel quite
confident, e.g., academics, athletics, while at the same time they do not feel at all confident
in other areas, e.g., personal appearance, social relationships.
How is Self-Confidence Initially Developed?

Many factors affect the development of self-confidence. Parents attitudes are crucial to
childrens feelings about themselves, particularly in childrens early years. When parents
provide acceptance, children receive a solid foundation for good feelings about themselves.
If one or both parents are excessively critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective
and discourage moves toward independence, children may come to believe they are
incapable, inadequate, or inferior. However, if parents encourage childrens moves toward
self-reliance and accept and love their children when they make mistakes, children will
learn to accept themselves and will be on their way to developing self-confidence.
Surprisingly, lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of ability. Instead it is
often the result of focusing too much on the unrealistic expectations or standards of others,
especially parents and society. Friends influences can be as powerful or more powerful
than those of parents and society in shaping feelings about ones self. Students in their
college years re-examine values and develop their own identities and thus are particularly
vulnerable to the influence of friends.
Assumptions that Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people develop assumptions; some of these are

constructive and some are harmful. Several assumptions that can interfere with selfconfidence and alternative ways of thinking are:
Assumption: I must always have love or approval from every significant person in my
life.
Alternative: This is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal. It is more realistic and desirable to
develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of
others.

Assumption: I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all important

areas of my life.
Alternative: This again is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal and suggests that personal
worth is determined by achievement. Achievement can be satisfying but does not make you
more worthy. Instead, worth is an inherent quality and all people possess it.
Assumption: My past remains all important and control my feelings and behaviors in the
present.
Alternative: While it is true that your confidence was especially vulnerable to external
influences during your childhood, as you grow older you can gain awareness and
perspective on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which
influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You dont have to be
helpless in the face of past events.
Self-Defeating Thought Patterns

Subscribing to these harmful assumptions leaves you vulnerable to the following selfdefeating thought patterns:

All Or Nothing Thinking. &quotI am a total failure when my

performance is not perfect.

Seeing Only Dark Clouds. Disaster lurks around every corner and
comes to be expected. For example, a single negative detail, piece of
criticism, or passing comment darkens all reality. &quotI got a C on one
chem test, now Ill never get into medical school.

Magnification Of Negative/Minimization Of Positive. Good things

dont count nearly as much as bad ones. &quotI know I won five chess
games in a row, but losing this one makes me feel terrible about myself.

Uncritical Acceptance Of Emotions As Truth. &quotI feel ugly so it

must be true.

Overemphasis On &quotShould Statements. &quotShould

statements are often perfectionistic and reflective of others
expectations rather than expressive of your own wants and desires.
&quotEveryone should have a career plan when they come to college. I
dont so there must be something wrong with me.

Labeling. Labeling is a simplistic process and often conveys a sense of

blame. &quotI am a loser and its my fault.

Difficulty Accepting Compliments. &quotYou like this outfit? I think it

makes me look fat.

The following strategies may help overcome such self-defeating thought patterns.
Strategies for Developing Confidence

Emphasize Strengths. Give yourself credit for everything you try. By

focusing on what you can do, you applaud yourself for efforts rather than
emphasizing end products. Starting from a base of what you should do
helps you live within the bounds of your inevitable limitations.

Take Risks. Approach new experiences as opportunities to learn rather

than occasions to win or lose. Doing so opens you up to new possibilities
and can increase your sense of self-acceptance. Not doing so turns every
possibility into an opportunity for failure, and inhibits personal growth.

Use Self-Talk. Use self-talk as an opportunity to counter harmful

assumptions. Then, tell yourself to &quotstop and substitute more
reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself
expecting perfection, remind yourself that you cant do everything
perfectly, that its only possible to try to do things and to try to do them
well. This allows you to accept yourself while still striving to improve.

Self-Evaluate. Learn to evaluate yourself independently. Doing so

allows you to avoid the constant sense of turmoil that comes from
relying exclusively on the opinions of others. Focusing internally on how
you feel about your own behavior, work, etc. will give you a stronger
sense of self and will prevent you from giving your personal power away
to others.

Chapter Nine
Transcending the Ego
In all delusions, finally, the feelings that accompany them revolve around the ego.
When you want something even as insignificant as an ice cream cone, the thought in
your mind is, I want it; its for me; I will get to enjoy it myself! This is what I mean
by revolving ones feelings around the ego. They verily churn the ether.
Our first need, then, is to neutralize those feelings: our emotional reactions; our likes
and dislikes; our attractions and aversions; our attachments and repulsions. Hence
Patanjalis definition of yoga as chitta vritti nirodha the neutralization of the vortices
of feeling.
Our subtlest and most intimate feelings, however, pertain directly to the ego itself, and
act as constant ego-reminders: ego-boosters, ego-deflators. These tendencies must be
completely eliminated before we can achieve liberation. Each vortex of feeling draws
energy inward to its center in egoic awareness. The ego itself forms the supreme
vortex.
In the simple thought, I want an ice cream cone, two concepts exist: I, and ice
cream cone. The concept I ties the ice cream cone to oneself, but if I emphasize that
thought further and think, How clever of me to have had this idea! And then, How

much more clever than my friends, who thought only of drinking a glass of water! And
then maybe even, Its people like me who help to boost the national economy! And
finally, They ought to make me the next president! In all this we see that the ice
cream cone itself has come to play a minor role compared to the more central thought,
I.
When the thought of self becomes paramount, the ego takes to spinning about itself,
becoming ever larger as it does so. It is good to work on eliminating all desires, but it
is even more important to do ones best to diminish the magnetic power of the ego
itself, for the greater that magnetism, the greater also will be the number of outer
fulfillments it will attract to itself.
It is necessary above all, therefore, to attack ego-consciousness directly, and not only
to work indirectly at removing, one by one, every outward attachment and desire. If I
want fame, for instance, it is more important to convince myself of my own
unimportance than to become merely convinced of the shallowness of public
recognition. If I want money, it is important to persuade myself that the selfglorification induced by wealth is worse than attachment to a swollen bank account.
Paramhansa Yogananda used to say, Money and fame are like prostitutes: loyal to no
man. Yet the pride they induce are like a disease which eats directly at ones inner
peace and happiness. A person may rightly say that if one takes advantage of others,
he will live in constant fear of being taken advantage of in return. In himself, however,
the self-affirmation that accompanies such wrong behavior is a ball and chain heavier
and more self-impeding than attraction to the desired objects themselves. If I steal, I
affirm my own worth as a human being above that of other human beings. If I seek
fame for myself rather than for whatever good I may be able to accomplish in the
world, I push my ego above all the other waves around me, and try, as a result, to
distance myself from my own true source in God.
Thus, more important than working on specific desires, attachments, and outwardly
directed delusions is the work I do to eliminate my sense of separateness from the
great Ocean of Life.
What can I do, then, to minimize this supreme self-definition this unceasing
awareness that I am in some way separate and different from everything and everyone
else? Here are a few suggestions:
1. When someone tells a good story, dont try to top it
with another one. Let his story receive the appreciation
it deserves. Laugh appreciatively. Be generous: allow
him this moment in the limelight.
2. When someone praises you, consider (before you
respond) whether even a modest disclaimer of
worthiness may not make you appear to be slighting
his opinion, or his good taste. If, for example,
someone compliments you on how nicely you are
dressed, dont reply with a deprecating laugh, What,
these old rags!? It would be far better simply to thank
him. Or again, if he compliments you for something
youve done, answer him, Thank you, though your
praise belongs to God, who alone is the true Doer.

3. When someone has a good idea, even one you yourself

have already had, you may find it helpful to say simply,
Thats a good idea! Dont say, Yes, Ive often had
that same thought myself.
4. If someone makes an incorrect statement, dont bother
to correct him unless you consider it important to do
so. But if it does seem important enough to speak up,
then, instead of flatly contradicting him, make it clear
first that you know he is interested only, as are you, in
the truth.
5. When someone tells a joke, dont tell another one
unless you think it will add to the conversation. Dont
speak, in other words, merely to be heard, or out of a
wish to top him.
6. Dont be self-effacing. Simply show calm respect to
everyone. Show respect even to foolish people and
more so, if anything, to children, because of the
common tendency to speak to them condescendingly.
The children may be wiser than you think. But I have
found that even foolish people may sometimes be used
by God to keep one humble.
7. In conversation, dont wait impatiently for your
chance to speak your piece. Listen respectfully, and,
if possible, listen with interest. Try to make it a
conversation, not a competition of monologues.
8. Be sincere. Dont back bashfully into the limelight
as someone once described Albert Einstein doing. Let
your modesty express your true feeling, and not be a
show you put on to impress others. Persuade yourself
by countless and constant little affirmations that you
are only a ripple on the great Ocean of Consciousness.
Only the Divine Ocean itself is of any true
consequence.
9. In group conversations, be neither a groundhog (diving
into your hole in fear of your own shadow) nor a lion
(beating everyone into submission with the loudness of
your roar), but think rather in terms simply of sharing
with others.
10. When speaking in public, think more in terms of what
you share with others than of their impression of you.
11. Show respect for all, but dont insist that they respect
you properly. And if they do scorn or insult you, remind
yourself, This is their problem, not mine.
12. Show others appreciation not only because they will
then be more likely to appreciate you, but also, and

more importantly, because thereby you will expand

your own sense of identity.
13. Laugh with others, but never at them.
14. When someone criticizes you, analyze yourself to see
whether there may not be something in you that needs
correction. Dont answer hotly or challengingly, Oh?
And what about you?! proceeding then to list his
shortcomings, which balance your own. Dont be
defensive, and never try to justify yourself. Often,
however, it is a mistake to admit to a fault, for unless
the other person is a true friend, he may someday hold
that admission over your head. Simply say, Thank
you. Maybe you are right. I will give the matter my
careful consideration. In this way you will not involve
yourself in any personal or emotional complications.
15. Be more aware of what you give out to others than of
what you receive from them. Even in gratitude your
focus should be more on your expression of it than on
the appreciation you feel. (I am aware that this advice
can be twisted, for the good others do to us is in itself
worthwhile, and in no way depends on our reaction to
it. When I was a small child, I once said to my mother,
So-and-so gave me a candy, and I said, Thank you.
Wasnt that good of me? Mother replied, No, it wasnt
good. It was what you should have done! Good
advice, indeed! Never bask in your own glory. Do good
to others, then forget it. The good that you do belongs
to the universe. Why limit it by centering it in
yourself?)
16. If someone calls you a fool, say, Thank you. I like to
be reminded of how unimportant I really am.
17. If someone calls you a genius, say, Thank you.
Though I do my best, I am well aware that any good I
do comes not from me, but from God. The beauty of
the clouds at sunset is due only to the suns light upon
them.
18. If someone belittles something youve done, say to
him, I am sorry it doesnt please you. I hope to
succeed better next time. Meanwhile, tell yourself,
The fruits of all my actions, whether good, mediocre,
or bad, belong only to God. It is He who has dreamed
this whole show.
19. If someone laughs at you, try sincerely to laugh with
him. If he tells a story about you that makes you look
ridiculous, again, laugh with him and then, if you
like, tell another one on yourself in the same vein. Do
this with a view above all of deflecting from yourself
any thought that may arise in your mind that you

deserve better treatment. If, however, his laughter is

deliberately unkind, inappropriate, or in bad taste,
calmly show your lack of interest, and divert the
conversation to another topic.
20. If a shopkeeper quotes you a price that seems to you
outrageous for something you want to buy, dont rail at
him. Say instead, Im sure its worth that price to you,
but its more than I myself will pay. Show him respect,
in other words; dont haggle with him, or say
disgustedly, What, that price for such a piece of
junk? (After all, youve already shown your own
interest in that junk.) Secondly, by showing him that
you respect him, youll receive from him the best price
possible, for hell want to show you respect in return.
For yourself, moreover and this is our present
concern you wont create waves of reaction that
would inevitably return at last to yourself.
21. In competition against others in sports, for instance
do your best to win, but tell yourself you are really
competing against yourself, to improve your own skill.
Whether you win or lose, be gracious. I remember
once, when I was sixteen, that I was losing a tennis
game against someone whom I considered an inferior
player to myself. To teach him a lesson, I gave the
ball a vicious uppercut with my racket thereby
demonstrating the worst possible form in that game!
(One is supposed to hold the racket parallel to the
ground.) I hit myself on the nose with the racket, and
caused it to bleed heavily. In fact, I broke my nose. I
remember lying there on the court, laughing heartily at
the absurdity of my own action, which had so
thoroughly disproved my high opinion of my own
ability. My laughter was for the beauty of this perfect
lesson.
22. Never draw peoples attention to yourself. Try to keep
it centered in the topic under discussion.
23. If someone challenges your point of view, never let the
discussion sink to a level of personal animosity. I once
mentioned to my father something Id read once about
a claim that the Mexican central plateau had risen
suddenly, in a cataclysm, to its present height. My
father, who as a geologist believed in what is called
gradualism, scoffed at this claim. When I tried to
defend it, he said, I think you ought to respect my
opinion. I replied, I do indeed respect it as an
opinion. Both of us quickly veered away from what
threatened to become a perfectly useless argument.
24. Try to have neither a superiority nor an inferiority
complex. Tell yourself simply, Whatever is, is; and

whatever I am, I am. I refuse to make value

judgments in the matter. All of us are simply playing
our parts in the cosmic drama. Let me do my best,
only, to play my part well.
25. Every day, and throughout the day, try to reduce your
self-definition to zero. If you are famous in the eyes of
the world, tell yourself, I am nothing and no one. If
you hold an important position of any kind, tell
yourself, When I die, all this will be lost. Even now,
then, I am nothing. If you are unknown, or despised
and rejected by others, tell yourself, In my
nothingness, I am everything! I am not this body: I
am a part equally so to all other parts of Infinite
Reality!
26. Try to see God in all, and to love Him in all. For
everyone on earth, each in his own way and no matter
how mistakenly, is trying to find his own nature: Divine
Bliss!
27. When death itself comes as it must someday offer
your life up gladly to God: to Infinite Consciousness.
Never dwell on the mistakes youve made in your life.
Offer them rather to God, and tell Him, I claim for
myself no credit or blame for anything I have done. I
am forever an offshoot of Thy Infinite Perfection.
I have offered here a few suggestions, only, for how you can rise above ego. Think of
these thoughts as starters, merely, to guide you in your own efforts to thread your
way through the intricate maze of maya.
I remember, years ago, working earnestly on developing humility. To my astonishment
I awoke one morning to the realization that I was becoming proud of my humility!
Ego-transcendence is the very essence of spiritual progress. One wonders why so little
teaching has been devoted to it, and so much more emphasis has been placed on egosuppression. One wonders also why, especially among renunciates, so much attention
has been given to indirect efforts such as eliminating attachments and desires.
Naturally these self-limitations must be renounced also, the energy formerly
committed to them channeled upward unidirectionally to the brain and the spiritual eye
between the eyebrows. I can only think that the reason ego-transcendence has
received so little attention is that most people during Kali Yuga could not comprehend
that the ego really has no existence except in its fleeting dream-reality. This brief
seeming is only (as my Guru said) like a glimmer of sunlight reflected in a sliver of
glass on the roadside.
Even at the beginning of this Dwapara Yuga, matter itself has been shown to consist
only of vibrations of energy. It is possible, now, to understand at least intellectually
that our separate reality is only an ever-changing cloud, and that we are all, in truth,
but a single reality.
Does it look to you as though I were trying to reduce everyone to a pale shadow? If so,
let me say further that I myself only really began to accomplish anything in my own
life once Id succeeded in persuading myself that God alone was the Doer.

I tried at one point to see if, by sitting back and turning it all over to Him, He would
take over. It was an experiment, nothing more. I was lecturing in church, and at a
certain point simply stopped speaking and waited for Him to step in and speak through
me.
Well, He didnt. I was convinced, then, that I had to do my bit. Paramhansa Yogananda
taught people to pray, I will reason, I will will, I will act, but guide Thou my reason,
will, and activity to the right path in everything.
We have to play our part, but if we tell ourselves, He is the Doer; He can infuse His
power into me, we find He wont do it. At least, as long as I remained unspeaking,
complete silence reigned. I was unembarrassed, but some people in the audience
believed, anxiously, that Id frozen with fear.
One or two friends, after reading what Ive written about eliminating the ego, have
protested, But how, then, will Masters prediction be fulfilled, when he said, Someday
lion-like swamis will come from India and spread this message all over?
Do they think Ive counseled everyone to become a wimp? Far from it! The more one
can get himself out of the way, the better God will be able to work through him. What
happens is that one learns to use his own, but God-given, power.

Chapter Ten
Truthfulness
In India I once met a wealthy man who boasted of being a true
renunciate. I have willed all my property, he told me proudly, to my
children. Personally, I own nothing. I am free!
Yet his self-definition exuded wealth and the pride that accompanies
wealth. His renunciation was a pure sham (if a sham may be called
pure). He was still surrounded by the trappings of wealth. He lived in
his own large mansion, had many servants, and drove everywhere in an
expensive car. I had no doubt that he could easily have reclaimed
everything hed handed over to others. As nearly as I could tell, all hed
renounced was the civic duty to pay taxes!
For those who would renounce truly, firm truthfulness is a necessity:
especially self-truthfulness. It is a tendency of human nature to seek
constant self-justification. A person will say, Well, its true I cheat a
little when playing bridge but I did put twenty dollars in the collection
plate last Sunday at church! Or, I certainly have my faults, as
everyone does, but Im not guilty of that particular one! Or, but I
only did that to help him (or her). Or that wasnt really wrong of me,
because everybody does it.
One might protest, Yes, I know I smoke a little now and then, but at
least I dont drink! And another might say, Yes, its true I take a little
sip now and then, but at least I dont smoke!

If people are accused of wrong behavior, they usually try to justify it. A
car thief will say, That will teach people not to leave their cars
unlocked! A person who enjoys slandering others will protest, Im
really only trying to help everyone to be better. Someone who practices
fraud will say, Well, everyone does something. Its a dog-eat-dog world,
and anyone who doesnt think first for himself will get eaten up.
One day, someone came into my home to do some work, and tracked
heavy mud onto the living room carpet. When I protested, he replied,
Thats only mud from my boots! as if to say, What do you have
against Mother Nature?
The renunciate should be especially careful not to justify his mistakes.
He may, out of moral weakness, succumb to a temptation. If he does so,
he should never pretend to himself, or to anyone else, that his
indulgence was in some way not wrong. It was wrong, simply and
completely. Only by utter self-honesty can one hope eventually to come
out of delusion.
When Jesus Christ passed through Samaria and met the woman by the
well, he recognized her, Yogananda said, as a fallen disciple from past
incarnations, and wanted to test her readiness to be re-accepted. He
therefore said to her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither. To that,
she answered, I have no husband. He replied, Thou hast well said, I
have no husband, for thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou
now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly. (John 4:1618)
Only after shed spoken the truth did he consent to take her on as a
disciple once again.
This is not to say that you should blurt out your defects openly before
the world. Be circumspect. Those who are themselves steeped in
delusion will attack you like a pack of hungry wolves. Keep your own
counsel. Never try, however, to persuade anyone that your wrong
desires are anything but delusions.
I faulted those two yogis (whom I mentioned above) for what looked to
me like a deficiency of truthfulness. I dont know all the facts, and dont
pretend to judge those men. But certainly, if they made a promise on
which they didnt deliver, they were being untruthful. And it is probably
on the basis of that untruth, more even than on those actions, that
karmic law will judge them, if in fact it does.
The main purpose of renunciation is to gain the ability to separate truth
from error, and thereby to see delusion for what it is: a lie not pure,
certainly, but (once youve seen through it) quite simple!

Be truthful, therefore, even in minor matters. If, for example, youve

told someone, Ill buy a newspaper and read that news, be sure you
obtain a newspaper at least somehow, and read that article.
If you tell someone, Ill be there without fail, be very sure you dont
fail.
Many years ago, in Los Angeles, I went to an Indian friend to borrow a
dhoti (an Indian garment for men) for the performance of a play Id
written. A friend of his was there, another Indian. As I was leaving he
said, I will definitely be there. He hadnt asked me where the
performance would be. He didnt ask me when. He didnt ask me what it
would be about. I knew he wouldnt be there, and of course he wasnt.
Why, then, did he tell me hed definitely come?
There is a lamentable tendency in many countries of the East to tell
people what a person thinks they want to hear. In Japan, I once asked a
salesman if I could buy something for shipment to America. Anxious not
to disappoint me, he started affirmatively to nod his head, then stopped
and softly muttered, No.
This tendency is, to my mind, a weakness. In India, some years after
Mahatma Gandhis bold example of truthfulness, I encountered many
who tried to follow it by spouting insulting truths. Gandhi never did that!
He always showed respect for others realities. What we should speak is
the helpful, kindly truth. If a person is stupid, will it help him to tell him
so? Of course not! Offer a truth respectfully, and with kindly concern for
the persons ability to accept it usefully.
With oneself, however, one should be if not ruthlessly honest, at least
impartially so. (Isnt it interesting, how many people consider
truthfulness and honesty to be, virtually, synonyms? Its as though they
understood that untruthfulness is truly, in some way, dishonest as
though cheating others of what was rightly theirs.)
By strict truthfulness you will align yourself with the Reality behind
manifested existence. The completely truthful person develops so
Patanjali declared the power to bring into manifestation his mere
word.
This, by the way, is another reason why you should always tell the truth:
Anything you say may unexpectedly and perhaps undesirably
manifest as reality. Even if your spiritual power is still only slight, you
may inadvertently hit a calm moment in the swirl of what Yogananda
called the thwarting crosscurrents of ego, and find your lightest
statements become outwardly a reality.