Crossing The Bar

This is one bar that isn't set too high

My Apple MacBook Pro won't start - it gets halfway into the boot cycle and starts over and just repeats this
process. Normally I find this a soothing way to spend a few hours, like watching a front loading washing
machine go through its paces. But I NEED this machine because it has all my settings for the TV programs
I watch on it.
Following up on a hot tip from the smartest person my
daughter knows who suggested this might be fixed as
part of a factory recall, I dropped in to the premium Apple
support centre in Bangkok - without the laptop - to enquire
about this.
As many will know, these locations are branded by Apple,
in an uncharacteristically oblique and subtle manner, as
the Genius Bar, populated, it is fair to assume, by Genii
or Geniuses (youd think with all that brainpower they
could agree on a singular plural).
Two Gen-X (or maybe Gen-Y) Genii (later proven to be impostors) helped me, desperately trying not to
appear the spitting image of Dumb and Dumber, with the outcome being that I was advised to just bring
the inert MacBook Pro in to them the following day, and in 30 minutes they would diagnose whether this
qualifies as a fabulous fee free fix or the opposite which would amount to a f***ng frustrating financial folly
for moi.
This I duly did the next day and the same two G-men awaited me. Once again I explained the problem with
great care and accuracy, repeating the 'ils ne marche pas' mantra illustrated with extremely realistic (I
think) vocal sound effects and articulate supporting
gestures. Quickly one of the two, no doubt awed by the
power of my creative approach elected to mimic my
laptop by entering a fugue state where he froze, eyes
open, but obviously unable to engage more than his
most basic bios allowing him to breathe and his heart to
beat.
With the genius pool suddenly depleted by 50%, the
remaining faux-genius absorbed my explanation with the
visible alacrity of mashed potato absorbing gravy, eventually inviting me to run along and in 30 minutes
return to the Genius Bar for the proclamation.
This I duly did, returning to find the catatonic
individual had been led away, and the remaining
Great Pretender looking like Jack Nicolson
returning from ECT in 'One Flew Over the
Cuckoo's Nest'.
'I haven't been able to find out what's wrong with
your computer because I couldn't turn it on' he
said with a dead-pan expression.
My mouth moved silently as my brain did the

equivalent of an M5 doing full circuit of the Nurburgring at full speed, attempting to cope with the equivalent
of an antimatter explosion. Briefly I was attracted by the seductive refuge of declaring insanity as I wrestled
with how to explain the fact that in NOT starting the computer he had in fact SUCCEEDED admirably in
identifying the problem, and, paradoxically, had he SUCCEEDED in starting the machine he would have
totally FAILED in the pursuit of replicating and identifying the true problem.
Thus his perceived failure in failing to succeed in starting my laptop was in fact a successful outcome when
compared with the alternative of failing to fail to successfully start the computer which even though he may
have thought was a successful outcome it really failed to achieve the objective therefore was unsuccessful.
I fail to understand why anyone could fail to successfully grasp this concept.
In my state of intellectual overdrive the Thai
words for paradox, conundrum, dichotomy,
riddle and moron escaped me, and I knew if I
was to mention the term irony I would probably
receive the response would you like your
collars starched? so I elected silence for a few
moments.
Quickly I scanned the room for hidden
cameras. Was this one of those latter-day
Candid Camera shows perhaps an episode
of the popular Thai series Dunkin Donuts
Bring You Dunce of the Day or Big Cs Cretin
of the Century, or even The X Factor.
Nothing obvious. This was no act.
They say most bar exams are quite demanding,
and the height at which the minimum entry level the bar is set is deliberately designed to ensure only
the truly worthy are allowed to pass. Clearly what I was experiencing was an exception a rogue outlier
to this general rule.
Eventually the red mist clouding my vision faded and the urge to jump atop my chair beating my chest like
a gorilla claiming mastery and intellectual dominion over all my eyes could see at that moment dissipated
slightly. The voices in my head which a moment before had been chanting Kill, Kill, Kill in unison were
unusually quiet other than one heckler telling me I should tell the Anti-genius my laptop was really a
microwave in disguise just to see what he would do.
Knowing I had no choice but to leave the computer
with him hoping for an epiphany, I elected to make
an innocuous remark about the pleasant weather in
the room, while carefully determining exactly the
height at which the bar had been set to enable
someone to qualify as a Genius in this particular
Genius Bar.
Because I didnt want to bark my shins on it as I
carefully and quietly left the premises.

Disclaimer
Apples Genuis Bar is a great concept and I have always found the staff I have dealt with wherever I am to
be helpful and knowledgeable and these two guys were no exception other than a complete inability to
understand what the issue was. I am sure they will work it out eventually. Yes, this article is a cheap shot
and unwarranted, but for someone with my warped sense of humour irresistible. No disrespect is intended
in fact (and in deference to Thailands libel laws) by antipodean tradition insult is inversely proportional to
respect hence the higher the level of insult, the higher the true level of respect.