Trainers

Guide

to

SuccessfulConflictStylesWorkshops
ByRonKraybill,PhD

www.RiverhouseEpress.com

A free resource from Riverhouse ePress, publisher of the conflict style inventory with a crosscultural

perspective.Reproductionisencouragedbutindicationofauthor,title,websourceandcopyrightmust
beincluded.Copyright2010

PRELIMINARYINFOFORTHETRAINER

Thisguideisintendedtohelpanygroupleader,whethernoviceorexperiencedasatrainer,toleadan
effective workshop on conflict styles. It is keyed to Style Matters: The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory.
However, it works almost as well with other inventories such as the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode
Instrumentthat,likeStyleMatters,arebasedonthemanagerialgrid.

Additional Resources: On the Riverhouse website, www.RiverhouseEpress.com, you can find useful
resourcesincludinganintroductiontoconflictstyleinventories,acomparisonofinventories,ahistoryof
StyleMatters,atrainersblogwithideasonleadingworkshopsonconflictstyles,andalonglistofweb
resourcesonconflictstyleinventories

StyleMatterssupportsteachingofconflictresolutionskillsinavarietyoftrainingsettings.Youcandesign
afulldayworkshoparoundit.Oryoucanworkwithitscoreideasinanhourflat,ifyouhavepeopletake
and score it on their own before the workshop. StyleMatters has alot of information useful to a solo
reader,souserscancontinuetolearnaftertheworkshop.Ifyouusetheonlineversion(seeinfoonlast
pageoronline)andhavepeopleworkthroughthetutorialontheirownbeforearrival,youcanuseallof
yourworkshoptimefordiscussionandreflectiononscores.

Inmostsettings,trainingtimeisscarce.Weconsiderabouttwohourstobethesweetspotoftime
devotedtoit.Thisisenoughtimeforpeopletoreallyfeeltheygrasptheinventoryandgetsomequite
specificinsightsintothemselves,evenifthetopicsandexerciseshavenotbeenexhausted.Ifpossible,we
recommend having people take the inventory in advance since that gives an extra twenty minutes of
grouptime.

What follows is a suggested outline for presenting, administering, and interpreting Style Matters (or
anotherinventorywhoseunderlyingframeworkistheMoutonBlakeAxis)allinoneworkshop.Guidance
to you as a trainer is in standard text font. Things suggested for you to say to the group are in italics:

GETTINGSTARTED
SuggestedIntroductoryComments
9 Thebadnewsaboutconflictisthatwecantescapeit.Conflictisapartofbeinghuman.Yetwe
dontteachhowtodealwithconflict.Howmanyofyouhavehadacourseinconflictresolution?How
many parents/couples get training in dealing with conflict? Teachers? Administrators? Religious
leaders?Generallynone.
9 The good news about conflict is that no meaningful change takes place in the absence of conflict.
Conflictcanbeapowerfulmotivatorforchange.Itisnotdifficulttolearnbasicsaboutconflictthat
helpalotinmakingconflictconstructiveratherthandestructive.
9 StyleMattersisatooltolearnbasicstrategies.Tensofthousandsofusershavefoundthisauseful
roadmapforthinkingaboutconflict.

Copyrights2006,2008,2010.www.RiverhouseEpress.com

ADMINISTERINGTHEINVENTORY
Passoutthebooklets.
9

This is not a test. There are no right/wrong answers. Every person answers the questions
differently.

Whatyougetattheendisasetofscoresthatgivesyouapictureofyourselfandyourresponseto
conflict.Thisisnotaperfectdescriptionofyouandyoushouldfeelfreetodisagreewithit.Butitwill
helpyoubeginaconversationwithyourselfandbegintothinkstrategicallyaboutyourresponsesin
futureconflicts.

The point is not the numbers but rather to give you a tool to start thinking about your choices in
conflict.

Clearinstructionsaregivenonpage5.Havepeoplereadthemandraisequestionsifthereareany,and
begin. You should be sure to carefully study the instructions to users on page 5 beforehand so you
understandthedifferencebetweenInstructionSetAandSetB.ItisalsoagoodideatoreadNote1on
page 24 beforehand, which elaborates on the difference between individualist and collectivist cultures.
Youcanalsoreadmorehereonourwebsite.

Most people can take and score the test in fifteen minutes but a few will probably need twenty.
Instructionsaregivenforselfscoringonpage9.Additionalguidancetogive:
9 Asthefirstfewpeoplebeginfinishingwiththequestions,say:Whenyouarefinished,gotopage9.
9 Whensomearefinishedwithscoring,say:Ifyouarefinishedwithscoringyoumaygoonandread
page10.(Itisfineforpeopletobeginreadingtheinterpretationwhiletheywaitforotherstofinish).

INTERPRETINGTHEINVENTORY

Now,thefunpart!
The instructions below follow the same learning sequence that is outlined for users in the Guidelines
found on pages 1012 of Style Matters. Each step below can be connected to one of the guidelines.

Forget the scores for a few minutes and introduce the group to the idea of conflict styles. With the
group,studythediagramonpage13.(AshortPowerpointpresentationpresentingtheconceptsbelow
canalsobeaccessedfreeontheRiverhousewebsite.)

EXPLAINTHEDIAGRAM
Letsfirstofallstudytheunderlyinglogicofthisinventory.
Inanysituationofconflict,therearetwothingsgoingon.

One is that people have an agenda, that is, their own goals or expectations. Sometimes we don't care
verymuchwhetherourownagendaismetandwearenotassertiveaboutit.Butsometimeswecarealot
andareveryassertive.Sotheverticalaxisshowsthisrange,fromlowcommitmenttoourownagendato
highcommitment.

Copyrights2006,2008,2010.www.RiverhouseEpress.com

Asecondthingthatisgoingoninanyconflict:thereisarelationshipofsomekind.Sometimeswearevery
committedtothatrelationshipandourresponsecommunicatesthattoothers.Othertimeswearenot
verycommittedtothatrelationship,oratleastinthatmomentwefeelandactasthoughwedontcare.
(That might sound bad, but it is not always wrong for example, if someone you will never see again
flashesaninsultinggestureatyouonthehighway,thereisnopointintryingtofixthatrelationship.
Justgethomesafelyandforgetaboutit!)Onthediagram,therelationshipischartedonahorizontalline,
againshowingthatwemayhavealowfocuson(orcommitmentto)therelationshiporahighfocuson
therelationship.

Ifweputthesetwodynamicstogetherinadiagram,wecanidentifyfivedifferentstylesofrespondingto
conflict. The styles differ according to what we are focusing on in the moment of conflict: our own
agenda,therelationship,orboth.Wewilllookattheseindetailinafewminutes.

Akeygoal:flexibility.
Eachstylehasstrengthsandweaknesses.Wemanageconflictwellwhenweareabletouseeachstylewell.
Thegoalisflexibilitysothatwecanuseeachstyleappropriately.Someofthesestylesmightseemproblematic
atfirstglance.Forexample,theLionuphereontheleftsays,Weredoingitmyway.Thatdoesntsoundso
good,doesit?Butifachildrunsoutintothestreet,wedontwantaparenttosmileandharmonizelikethe
TeddyBeardownthereontherightorbeveryquiet,liketheTurtleontheleft.Tofunctionwellinallaspectsof
life,weneedeveryoneofthesestylesforvarioussituations.Everystylehasitsplace.

Thedifficultyisthatmostofusgetgoodatandfavoroneortwostyles,andthenwetendtorelyonitforall
circumstances.Welearnmuchofthiswhenwearestillchildren.Inafamily,maybebigbrotherlearnsthat
conflictisnoproblemhejustusesaDirectingstyleandlittlebrotherfallsintoline.Itworksgreatuntilbig
brother gets married to a woman who doesnt Harmonize like little brother did. She wants to use a
Cooperating style to work out differences and she gets angry when big brother always insists on things his
way.Nowhesinalifecrisis!Canheadaptandlearntouseotherstylesaswell?Thatsthechallengeforallof
us.Itdoesntmatterwhichstylesweprefer.Thechallengeistogetskilledinallofthestylesandbeabletouse
eachonewhenitismosteffective.

GIVEAQUICKINTROTOEACHSTYLE

Thissection,
downto
Understanding
Scores
goeswith
GuidelineOne
onpage10.

Working off the diagram on page 13, make a few comments about each style, highlighting the emphasis of
each. Suggested order for going through the styles: Directing, Harmonizing, Avoiding, Cooperating,
Compromising.Wepreferthisorderbecauseitgoesfromthesimpletothemorecomplex.

EveryonegetsDirectingquickly,forwewitnesssomuchofit.EveryonegetsHarmonizingquicklytoomost
ofushadtodoalotofthattosurvivechildhood.DittoforAvoiding.Cooperatingisnotsofamiliartomost
people;theideathatwecansimultaneouslyassertourownagendaandaffirmourcarefortherelationship
(by actively supporting the other person and their needs) takes some effort to grasp. Compromising and
Cooperatingaresimilarinseekingtomaintainbothapersonalagendaandtherelationship,butCompromising
isnotasconfidentasCooperatingaboutbeingabletofindaresolutionifwejustkeeptalkingandseeksan
earlierinbetweenoptiontosettlethings.

Copyrights2006,2008,2010.www.RiverhouseEpress.com

Peoplegraspeachstylemoreeasilyiftheycanseeandhearit.Chooseoneortwoofthefollowingoptions:
9 Read the sample quotes for each style aloud to the group with corresponding tone of voice and body
language.
9 Describe a simple conflict and demonstrate what each style would sound and look like if used in that
conflict.SeedetailsinAppendix2attheendofthisguide.
9 Afteryouveintroducedseveralstyles,havetwopeopledoa60seconddemonstrationroleplayorseveral
ofthem.SeedetailsinAppendix3.Ifyourgrouphasalotoftimetogether,watchasoapopera,movie,
or newscast that has a lot of conflict and negotiation and note examples of various styles. The movie
TwelveAngryMen,anoldclassicfeaturingthedeliberationsofatrialjury,isusefulforthispurpose,asare
manysoapoperas.

If you use any of the demonstrations above, especially if you are a trainer new to these materials,
preparationisimportant.Ifyouaredemonstratingbyyourself,thinkthroughcarefullybeforehandhow
youwillpresenteachstyle,perhapswritingoutafewphrasesforeach.Ideallyyoullbeabletodothe
demosfrommemory,withoutthescript,butwritingthelinesoutbeforehandhelpsyoutogetyourmind
aroundthecharacteristicsofeachstyle.

Ifyouinvolveparticipantsindemos,youaremorelikelytosucceedwithoutlosingalotoftimeifyoubrief
the roleplayers in advance during a break. If you cant do that, you could write out a little exchange
betweenPersonAandPersonBandasktwovolunteerstoreadit.Thiscomesatthesacrificeofsome
spontaneityandauthenticitybutitisfast,givesyoucompletecontrol,andrequiresnoadvancebriefing
justhandthescriptstotwopeopleandhavethemread.

Transitiontothenextphase:Asawayofclosingthissectionandtransitioningtothenext,youcantake
people to page 10 and read GuidelineOne there. Point outthat they now have alreadyaccomplished
this. They have the big picture of conflict styles and are ready to apply it in practical ways. The next
guideline,GuidelineTwo,showshowtodothis.

UNDERSTANDINGTHESCORES

Thissection,
downto
Making
GoodStyle
Choices
goeswith
theTally
Sheeton
page9and
Guideline
Two
onpage10.

Afteryouvegivenabigpictureintroductionofthelogicunderlyingtheinventory,participantsareready
tolocatethemselveswithinthatpicture.Takethemtoscoring,page9.

Pointoutthattheinventorygivesasnapshotoftheuserintwosettings,onewhenthingsareCalmandthe
otherinStorm(whenthingshavegottenmoredifficult).Youwilllookatthedifferencesbetweenthese
twolater.Fornow,takethemdeeperintooneortwospecificstylesandstudyhowthosework.

Withthegroup,readGuidelineTwodowntotheLearningSuggestions.
Ask people to select (as individuals) the style they think they are most likely to use when serious
differencesappear.ThisisusuallytheStormstyleforwhichtheyhavethehighestscore,butitmaybethe
highestinCalmforsome.1

Weencourageuserstotakethenumberslightly.Thisinstrumentisfortrainingpurposes,notforsettingswhereavalidated

inventorywithhighstatisticalreliabilityisrequired.Ifyouwantaninstrumentthatispsychometricallyvalidatedinthisway,
considerusingtheThomasKilmannConflictModeInstrument.Regardlesstotheinstrumentused,weempoweruserswhenwetake
arelaxedattitudeandencouragethemtoconsiderthenumbersasthoughtprovokingbutnotthefinalword.Wecaninvitethemto
trusttheirownhonestselfreflectionasaguideandtousetheinventorytothinkaboutoptionsforthefutureratherthanasa
statementofwhotheyare.Arelaxedperspectiveisalmostalwaysabetterfoundationforgrowththanananxiousone!
Copyrights2006,2008,2010.www.RiverhouseEpress.com

Now give them opportunity to discuss their scores with others. People enjoy this and describingtheir
scores and commenting on styles is a very effective learning process. You can do one or both of the
options below, depending on time available.

OptionA:MixedGroups
Set things ups so that eople talk in groups of threes with whomever is close by.
a)Haveeachpersonsharewiththeirpartnerswhichstylestheyscoredhighestin.Theycanturntopages
1416asareferencepointandfindmoreinformationabouttheirstylesthere.Invitethemtocomment
ontheinformationabouttheirhigheststylethere.Dotheyrecognizesomeofthecostsandbenefitsof
that
style
in
their
own
relationships?

Give
2030
minutes
for
this.
b) If you have time, instruct them next to look at and comment about the style they scored lowest in.
Reflecting on the benefits of that style, do they recognize that they are missing out on some of these
(sincetheyseemnottouseitverymuch)?Whatwoulditlookliketotrytouseit?

OptionB:SameStyleGroups
A different approach is to have people gather in groups of the same style. Directors in one group,
Avoidersinanother,etc.Keepthegroupssmall,34ineach,soeveryonehasachancetotalk.Setthisup
quickly and easily by designating five spots in the room, one for each style. Have people go to these
spots,linkupwith23otherswhofavorthatstyle,andformagroup.

Instructionsforthegroups:Usingpages1416,eachpersonshouldcommentabouttheirexperiencewith
thisstyle.Doyourecognizesomeofthecostsandbenefitsofthisstyleinyourownrelationships?Budget
35minutesperpersoninthesmallgroupsforthis.

TRAINERCOMMENTSONSCORES
Thisisagoodpointatwhichtoinviteseveralpeopletovolunteertocallouttheirscores.Ifyouarenew
asatrainertoStyleMattersanduncomfortabledoingthis,dontworry,itisanoptionalextra.Thevalue
ofitisthatwatchingthetrainerreflectonthenumbersseemstohelppeopletodothesamethingfor
themselves. A good way to start is to put up your own numbers and comment on yourself. With
experience,yourfamiliaritywiththeinventorywillmakeiteasytopointoutpatternstoothers.Listthe
fivestylesacrossthetopofablackboardorsheetofnewsprint,asinthechartbelow.Thenasvolunteers
callouttheirnumbers,writetheminahorizontalrowforeachperson.

Directing
Compromising Avoiding
Harmonizing

Cooperating
Calm

Storm

Calm

Storm

Calm

Storm

Calm

Storm

Calm

Storm

Commentoneachpersonsscoresseparately.
9 BeginbycirclingoneortwostyleswiththehighestscoresinCalmanddothesamethingforStorm.
9 Mostuserswillgetthegreatestbenefitbyfocusingattentiononthestyleorstylesthatarehighestin
Storm,sincethesearelikelytobemostactiveintimesofrealdifficulty.Wecallthisthepreferred
Stormstyle.
Copyrights2006,2008,2010.www.RiverhouseEpress.com

9
9

BeginyourinteractionwithausersscoresbyhighlightingthestrengthsofthepreferredStormstyle.
Empowerment is always the place to begin! You can have the whole group turn to the pages that
showstrengthsandweaknessesofeachstyle.Commentonthethingsthatpeoplewhoscorehighin
thisstyleusuallydowell.Thenyoumightwishtonotethedangersthatpeoplewhousethisstyle
needtobealertto(costsofoveruse).
Ifthereisastyleorstylesthatarequitelow,encouragetheusertoexplorethatstylemore,andtryto
getmorecomfortablewithit.IfthereisatieforlowestbetweenastyleinStormandoneinCalm,
focusonthestylethatislowestinCalm,sincethisisprobablythestylethatisgettingtheleastuse.
(Intheory,wehaveaccesstomorepersonalresourceswhenwearecalmthanwhenweareanxious.
ThusastylethatwecantaccesseveninCalmcouldbeconsideredprettyfaroutofreach.)
If the numbers are quite even, a flat profile, point out that this is viewed as desirable, for it
indicates flexibility. The one disadvantage is that others may experience this flexibility as
unpredictable.Theyneverknowwhichstyletheywillencounter!2
AftercommentingononeortwoStormscores,notetheinteractionbetweenCalmandStorm.Itis
particularlyinterestingtoobservewhichdirectionthescoressuggesttheindividualgoesintimesof
stress. Do the numbers shift toward towards greater concern for the relationship or towards
task/agenda?
Withallofyourcomments,aimtowordthingsalongthelinesofpeoplewiththisstylepreference
often.,ratherthanyouare..Wearetrainers,notpsychologistsorastrologers!
Any user on whose numbers you comment should have the last word on the meaning of the
numbers.Encourageuserstotreatthenumbersasfoodforthought,notasadefinitivestatement
on who they are. Suggest that they set the numbers aside if they think they are not accurate.
Encouragethemtoaskfriendsandcolleaguesforasecondopinioniftheydisagreewiththescores.

MAKINGGOODSTYLECHOICES

Thepictureusersgetofthemselvesfromtheirscoreisinterestinganduseful.Butultimatelyitisless
importantthanthesectionswearenowcomingto.Therealpurposeoftheinventoryisnottofocuson
whatpeoplehavebeeninthepast,itistohelpthemmakegoodchoicesinthefuture.
Thissection
goeswith
Guideline
Threeon
page10and
pages
1318inStyle
Matters.

DEVELOPINGSTYLEFLEXIBILITY
Makinggoodstylechoicesbeginswithahealthyrespectforthestrengthsofeachstyleandawarenessofits
limitsandcosts.Yourattitudeastraineriscrucial.Displayandnurturerespectforeachstyle.Sometimes,
forexample,peoplemakefunofthenastyLion(Director)orthepokeyTurtle(Avoider).Thesetwostyles
whenusedexcessivelyarethemostconspicuousintheirlimitations.Astrainer,bearelaxedallyofallfive
styles. Respect the strengths of each even as you acknowledge its limitations. Every style really is
necessaryforsuccessfulhumanrelationships.

Someoneisnotconvinced?DoesntwanttoeverbeaDirector?

Whenweunderstandhoweachstylefunctions,wecanbettercommunicatetootherswhatweneedtobeatourbest.For
example,someonewithstrongAvoidinginstinctswholivesorworkswithsomeonewithstrongDirectingtendenciescanlearntosay,
Imnotreadyrightnowtotalkthisthroughwithyou.Ineedsometimetocalmdownandthinkaboutthings.ButIwantyouto
knowIwontjustdisappearonyou.Idliketogoforawalkandgetbacktoyouintwohours.Alotofenergyiswastedinconflicts
becausepeopledontunderstandthestyleneedsoftheotherperson.TheHotTipssectionofStyleMattersprovidesmanymore
suchsuggestionsspecifictoeachstyle.
Copyrights2006,2008,2010.www.RiverhouseEpress.com

For a parent whose four year old child is running towards a busy street, the only loving response is a
Directingone.ItcouldbefataltoAvoid,Harmonize,Cooperate,orCompromise.Similarly,whenashipis
sinking, we dont want a captain who gathers the crew and says, lets negotiate.. Or a doctor in the
emergencyroomwhocannotgiveclear,nononsenseorders.Inemergencies,weneedsomeonetotake
charge(Whichiswhymilitaryandpolicestructuresaresetuponveryhierarchicalstructures.Emergencies
istheirarenaofoperation.)WeshouldallbegratefulforpeoplewhoarestrongDirectors.

But those who naturally prefer Directing have a challenge in selfmanagement if others are to stay
grateful.IftheemergencyroomdoctortakestheDirectingstylehometospouseandfamilyandfriends,
andmakesahabitoftellingeveryoneelsewhattodowithoutpayingattentiontotheirneedsandfeelings,
his/herpersonallifewillbemiserable.

Cooperatingsoundswonderful.Itis,intherightplaceandtime.ButpeoplewhooveruseaCooperating
stylearelikelytogetburnedout.Toomanymeetings,toomuchtalk,endlessprocessingbutnodecision
making,etc.

Thechallengeisforallofustogetgoodatallofthesestyles.

Howtoworkwiththissection?
Whentimeisshort,youcangetbywithskippingthesectiononChoosingResponsestoConflictonpage
17.Afterall,thepreviouspageseachhaveasectionontheBenefitsandCostsofOverUseofeach
stylewhichcoversrelatedideas.Ifyouvespentabitoftimediscussingtheseintheintroductiontoeach
style, people will already have some awareness of the idea of seeing each style as possessing both
resourcesanddanger.

Butifthequestionofchoosingtherightstylehasnotalreadycomeupinpreviousdiscussion,itisagood
idea to give it at least a few minutes discussion time. Pages 17 and 18 give useful information about
whenandwhennottouseeachstyle.Someoptionsinworkingwiththesepages:
9 With the group, read the paragraph at top of page 17. Then put people in pairs or small groups.
Eachgroupisassignedadifferentstyleandaskedtocomeupwithoneexampleofwhentheyhave
seenthisstylewiselyusedandanotherexampleofatimewhenitwasinappropriatelyused.Share
theseinthelargergroup.Ifthegroupisupforthetask,youcouldhaveeachpresenttheirexamples
asshortskits.
9 Doaroundofsmallgroupdiscussionfocusedspecificallyonappropriatechoiceofstyles.Putpeople
in small groups without reference to styles. Their assignment is to share with others in the small
group about: A time when I used a style appropriately and another time when I used a style
inappropriately.Encouragethemtomakereferencetotheinformationonpages17and18asthey
do
this.

WORKINGWITHTHESTORMSHIFT

Somepeopleexperienceachangeinpreferredstyleasconflictheatsup.Theybeginaconflictwithone
stylebutasemotionsandstressgoup,theyshifttoadifferentstyle.Theymayshift,forexample,from
HarmonizingtoDirecting,ortheotherwayaround.ThisStormShiftcanbequitesuddenandsurpriseor
shock
others.
Copyrights2006,2008,2010.www.RiverhouseEpress.com

Thissection
goeswith
Guideline
Fouron
page12

TheconceptofaStormShiftisnotdifficultandneednotoccupymuchtimeinaworkshop.Optionsfor
workingwithit:
9 WiththegroupreadGuideline4onpage11,includingtheLearningSuggestionsthataccompanyit.
Invitequestionsorcomments.
9 Review with the group the difference between Calm and Storm conditions. You can use the chart
belowasaresource.
9 PutpeopleingroupsofthreeandinvitethemtocommentontheirscoresregardingaStormshift.If
there is a Storm shift apparent in their scores, invite people to reflect on the inner signs they
associatewiththisshift:asuddenlypoundingheart,heatinthefaceorneck,aflashofangerinthe
head, fear in the chest, churning in the gut, clenched hands, etc. Even if there is no Storm shift
apparentinpeoplesnumbers,itisstillusefultoreflectonhowtheysomatizeconflictingeneral.
Thatis,whereinthebodydotheyrespondtoconflict?Whatstrategiesorpersonaldisciplinesdo
people find helpful to manage their response to intense conflict? Even people who dont have a
significant Storm shift benefit from identifying the symptoms of rising anger.

Stormconditions
Calmconditions
Our response when we first realize there After weve made some effort to
resolvethingswithoutsuccess.
aredifferences.
Emotionshaverisen;weareanxious,
Wearenotyetveryupsetoranxious.
The style we use for daytoday decision upset,worried,etc.
making and problemsolving of difference
thathasnotstirredemotionsstrongly.

Some people stay the same in calm and storm. But some people have sharp differences between the
two.Forexample:
9 ADirectingpersonwhoinCalmconditionsisveryassertivemightrathersuddenlygoquiet,orback
offandsay,Well,ifyoufeelthatstronglyaboutit,letsdoityourway..ThiswouldbeaStorm
shiftfromDirectingtoHarmonizing.
9 Someone who is normally eager to please might indicate a lot of flexibility in the beginning of a
conflictandthensuddenlyturnsharpandangry:Look,Ivehadenoughofthis.Iinsistthat..This
wouldreflectashiftfromHarmonizinginCalmtoDirectinginStorm.

People who show little difference in Calm and Storm are usually perceived as steady and predictable.
Peoplewhohaveasharpcontrastbetweenthetwomaysurpriseoralarmothersandthemselves.Itis
importanttobeselfawareifpeoplehaveasharpshiftinstylessotheycanmanageitbetter.

Learningsuggestions:CompareyournumbersinCalmandStorm.Ifthereisashiftinanyofyourstylesof
twopointsormorefromCalmandStorm,payattentiontothis.Iftheshiftisfourpointsormore,chances
arethatyourStormshiftsometimesconfusesoralarmsothers.Inconflictsituations,learntorecognize
theinnersignsthataccompanyashift:asuddenlypoundingheartorheatinthefaceorneck,aflashof
angerinthebrain,fearinthechest.Askpeoplewhoknowyouwelltogiveyoufeedbackaboutwhatthey
noticewhenyoubecomeangry.Simpleawarenessisyourmostimportanttoolforselfmanagement.If
awarenessalone isnot enough,discuss with others you trust what youcould do when you feel stressed
thatwouldhelpyouusethestyleyouwanttouse.
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10

HOTTIPSHOWTOSUPPORTOTHERS

This
section
goeswith
Guideline
Fiveand
pages19
21inStyle
Matters.

Thisisprobablythemostrewardingandempoweringpartoftheinventory.Thetipsarespecific,detailed
andpractical.Mostpeopleareintriguedbytheinsightsthatarise.ThetipsinStyleMattersarewritten
to help users see how to bring out the best in others. However, for discussion in a training setting, it
worksbettertoframethediscussiondifferently,atleastinthebeginning:Whichtipswouldworkbestfor
me if someone else used them on me? This framing enables participants to speak as authorities from
territorytheyknowwell,theirownneeds3.Thelearningcomesfromhearingothersinthegroupwith
different style preferences reflect on what works for them. And of course, reviewing and becoming
clearer about the needs that tend to accompany their own style preference empowers people to take
responsibilitytocommunicatetheirneedstoothers.

OptionsforworkingwiththeHotTipssection:
9 Review pages 1921 with the group. If time is tight, it is possible to review key hot tips in all five
stylesintenminutesorless.
9 Havepeoplefindoneortwootherpeoplewithdifferentstylespreferences.Inthesesmallgroups,
eachpersongoesthroughthetipsfortheirownpreferredstylewiththeothersinthesmallgroupand
comments.Forexample,Yes,thefirsthottipwouldreallyworkifyoutrieditonme.Thesecond,
notsowell
9 Avariationontheaboveistohavepeoplewhoworktogetherdothisinpairsorteams.Theysitina
circle(assumingitisateam)andeachpersonusesthissectiontomakesomecommentsaboutself.I
amhighinDirectingandCooperating.Hereareacoupletipsyoushouldknowaboutmethatwould
reallyhelpmeifyougetinaconflictwithme..
9 Youcanformcaucusgroupsforeachstyle(onegroupisDirecting,anotherHarmonizing,etc.).Give
thegroups15minutestodiscussthehottipsandthengiveareportbacktothelargegroup.These
arethingswereallywanttherestofyoutoknowaboutourstyle.
9 Have each person create a MySupport Page. They review the Hot Tips for their highest scoring
stylesandfromtheseselectthosetheywouldappreciateifdonetothembyotherpeople.Thenthey
reviewtheHotTipsfortheirlowestscoringstyleandselectthetipstheywouldnotappreciateifdone
tothembyothers.Withthisinformation,anyonecaneasilycreateapageofsuggestionsforothers
aroundthem.Thatis,ifyougetinaconflictwithme,DOthis..,DONTdothis..
9 See Exercise 6 on page 23, which guides colleagues in an organization to reflect on conflict style
pairings that have been difficult. Discussion of Hot Tips is included in this exercise.

Thisreflectsabasicpedagogicalprinciple:Wheneverlearningcanbetiedtoauthenticselfknowledge,theyieldsarehigh.
Copyrights2006,2008,2010.www.RiverhouseEpress.com

11

CULTURALDIMENSIONSOFTHESTYLES

Style Matters is designed for people of varying cultural backgrounds and achieves this by providing
differinginstructionsforusersdependingontheirbackground4.Trainersinsettingssuchasmidstream
North American users (Individualist culture) can ignore Instruction Set B and forego all discussion of
culturalissues.Whentimeisshort,thismaybethebeststrategy.

But cultural diversity is a big issue in modern life. Many groups are diverse, a reality that is often
overlooked.Asatraineryoucanintroduceawarenessthatwillbevaluableformanyusersbymakinga
modest investment of time in reflecting with a group on how culture influences response to conflict.

The most important preparation you can do as a trainer for such discussion is to bring a clear
understanding about the difference between individualist and collectivist culture, also known as low
context and high context cultures. Different scholars came up with these names and each emphasizes
slightlydifferentthings,butbasicallytheyaretalkingaboutthesameideas.Ifyouexpecttohavepeople
in the workshop fromdiverse cultural backgrounds, make a point of reading the Instructions on page 5
andNote1onpage24andthepageonculturesontheRiverhousewebsitebeforetheworkshopsoyou
understandthemclearlyandhaveagraspofthedifferencebetweenthosetwomodesoffunctioning.To
learn more, do web research on individualist collectivist cultures or on high context low context
cultures. (Dont put the quotes in your search, just the words; otherwise the search engine will only
bringuppagesthatuseexactlythecharactersastheystandbetweenthequotes).

Ifyoucanallocatesomegrouptimetoculturalissues,herearesomeoptions:
9 In manygroups there are individuals with one foot in each culture. Having grownup in a conflict
avoidantMennonitefarmingcommunityinPennsylvania,butgonetoschoolinBostonandworkedin
manymoderncities,Imyselfamonesuchperson.Thesamecouldbesaidabout,forexample,many
Native Americans or aboriginals who work in the professional world. An American or German
development worker in rural Africa or Latin America would be examples of people with roots in
Individualist cultures whose work requires them to function in communitarian settings. Ask for
volunteerswhofeelthattheyliveorworkinbothkindsofcommunitiesandinterviewthem,inthe
presence of the whole group. Ask questions that draw out their experiences of the differences
betweentheseculturesingeneral,andspecificallyindealingwithconflict.Howdotheyfunctionin
eachculturewhentheirpreferencesdifferwiththoseofothers?Whatdoesitfeelliketomoveback
andforthbetweenthetwo?Invitegroupmemberstoshareinresponse.
9 Giveabriefpresentationonthedifferencesbetweenindividualistandcollectivistcultures.Thenput
peopleintomixedpairsorsmallgroupsandhavethemtalkaboutwhattheyhaveheard.Suggest
thateachpersonshareaconflictwithsomeonefromadifferentcultureandcommentonaninsight

4
ThekeydifferencebetweentheInstructionSetAandSetBisthatSetAinvitesuserstothinkaboutthemselvesingeneralwhile
SetBguidesuserstothinkaboutaspecificrelationship.ThecontextspecificinstructionsofSetBaremoreappropriateforusers
whocomefromculturalbackgroundswithstrongcommunitarianinfluences.Insuchsettings,peopleinstinctivelyseekout
informationfromthecontextbeforedecidingwhatisanappropriateresponsetoaconflict.Whereasinindividualistculturespeople
tendtolookinwardsandspeakfromtheirindividualpreferences;incommunitariancultures,peopleinstinctivelyconsiderexternal
factors.Showingrespectforage,roles,status,tradition,andcommunitynormsisoftenconsideredmoreimportantthansatisfying
individualpreference.Thus,inacommunitarianculture,thequestionHowdoyoudealwithconflict?raisesanotherquestion,
Withwhomistheconflict?InstructionSetBenablesuserstoapplydetailsofcontextsoastobeabletocomfortablychoosean
answer.
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12

aboutthisconflictfromtheconceptofindividualistvs.collectivistcultures.Encouragethemtobe
resources to each other in understanding what happened, and to use the collectivist/individualist
frameworkasatoolifpossible.
Drawingasadiscussiontool.Exercise7onpage23describesadiscussionexerciseforsmallgroups
asfollows.Putpeopleintosmallgroupsofindividualistbackgroundonlyorcollectivistbackground
only.Askeachgrouptocreateapictureofaconflictexperiencedbysomeoneintheirgroup,using
vehiclesasamajorpartofthedrawing.Haveeachgroupsharewiththelargergroup:Whatkindof
vehicle or vehicles did they choose to represent the major parties and why? Who is driving the
vehicles? Who else is in the picture and with what connections to the conflicting people? What
factors do conflictants consider in deciding how to respond to the conflict? When all groups have
shared, reflect as whole group. What insights do you gain about differences between individualist
andcollectivisticpatternsindealingwithconflict?Whatinsightsdopeoplegetaboutrelationships
orconflictstheymayhaveexperiencedthathaveculturaldimensions?
Asimilarexercise:Putpeopleinsimilargroups(collectivistinone;individualistinanother).Askeach
grouptotalkaboutanexperiencewhentheysawamajorconflictwithintheirownculture.What
were the things that seemed to shape peoples efforts to find resolution in theseconflicts? What
constructive things were done to try to resolve the conflict? What destructive things were done?
Whatwouldanintermediarytrytodointheirculture?Afterthesecaucusgroupshavehadtimeto
reflectonaconflict,bringthegroupstogetherandsharedescriptions.Thenleadagroupdiscussion
onwhatarethedifferencesbetweenthetwocultures.

Itistrueofcoursethatselfishness,jealousy,andresentmentareuniversalandcreatesimilarresponses
everywhere.Buttheyoftenexpressthemselvesinculturalways.Someonewhoidentifiesselfstrongly
asIislikelytothinkanddodifferentthingsintimesofconflictthansomeonewhoidentifiesselfstrongly
intermsofwe(family,group,community).Perhapsmoretothepoint,whenpeopletrytoriseabove
thesepettyresponses,theydosoinwaysdeeplyinfluencedbyculture.

CLOSING

Exercisenumber7onpage23isanempoweringwaytoend.

Youcouldhavepeoplewriteamemoofadvicetothemselves.Whatarethethingstheywanttoworkon
inthecomingmonth?Bespecific,when,where,how.Ifyouastrainerareinapositiontodoindividual
followup,thismemowouldbeagreatplacetostartconversationslater.Eg:letsreviewyourmemoto
yourself.Howdoyoufeelyouaredoingwithit.?

Youcoulddoaclosingcircle.Sitorstandinalargecircle(orifalargegroup,severalsmallerones).Go
aroundthecircleandinviteeachpersontoshareonethingtheywilltakeawayfromthisworkshop.A
variation: each person gets one sentence to dedicate this experience to a person in their life past or
presentwhotaughtthemimportantvaluesaboutdealingwellwithconflict.

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13

TRAININGAPPENDICES
APPENDIXONE

TrainingExercise:MemofromaSupervisor
Thisexerciseisusedafterthetrainerhasworkedwiththegroupinexplainingthelogicofthefivestyles
and reviewing how each style works. It was devised by Carolyn SchockShenk, professor at Goshen
College, Goshen, Indiana, and written up by Larry Dunn, professor at Fresno Pacific College, Fresno
California.
Dividethelargegroupintosmallgroupsmixedsothatthereisatleastonerepresentativeineachgroup
foreachofthefivestyles.Handacopyofthememobelowtoeachperson.Foldthememoorhanditout
facedown,andaskthatnoonereadthememountilinstructed.Wheneveryonehasacopy,askthemto
openthememoorturnitoverandreaditsilently.Astheydothis,writeontheboard:
Take 23 minutes and jot down a few words or phrases in response to these questions:
1)WhenIgotthismemoIfelt/thought......
2)WhatIwant/needindealingwiththisis..
Givepeopleacoupleminutesonthis.Thendirectthemintosmallgroupdiscussion.Askthemtositina
circleandgoaroundthecircle,sharingtheirresponsestothequestion.Giveatleast20minutesforthis
sharingandmoreifpossible.Askthemtodrawontheconflictstyleinventorymaterialstoreflectonand
explaintheirresponse.
Thisexercisehelpsparticipantstorealizehowdifferentlypeoplerespondtothesamesituation/event.It
alsohelpsthemunderstandwhyothersrespondsodifferently.
MEMO
TO:You
FROM:YourSupervisor
RE:YourPerformance
DATE:Today
Ihavehadseveralreportsinrecentweekssuggestingthatyouarehavingdifficultyrelatingto
yourcolleagues.
IwouldliketodiscussthiswithyouinmyofficeonFridaythisweekat3:00pm.

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14

APPENDIXTWO

Continuedfromtrainingnotesonpage4.
Hereisastrategytodemonstratethefivestyleswithonecasestudy.Aveterantrainerwrites:
Inpresentingthestyles,Ioftentakeasimpleconflictliketwopartnerstryingtodecidewhattodoona
Fridaynight.AsIdescribetheDirectingstyle,Iworkwiththisasanexample,andshowwhatitwould
soundlikeifsomeoneisusingDirectingstyle.Somethinglike,Weregoingtogotoamovie(saidina
commandingvoice)Awalkinthepark?Dontbestupid!Ipointoutthatthepersonalagendaofthe
Directorisextremelyprominentandnosenseofcommitmenttotherelationshipcomesthroughatall.
Harmonizinginthisexamplemightsoundlike,Oh,whatever,Ijustwanttobewithyou..
ForAvoiding,IaskthegroupwhatanAvoidingresponsemightbe,andtheyusuallycorrectlyguessthat
theredbenodiscussion,orjustafewmuttersbutnoreallydiscussion.
Cooperating:TheresanewmovieintownthatIdreallyliketosee.Idlovetogowithyou.ButIwant
todosomethingwerebothhappywith.Whatwereyouthinkingaboutfortonight?
Compromising:Ithoughtaboutseeingthatnewmovie,butIguessmainlyIwanttodosomethingthat
helpsmeforgettheweek.Youwanttostayhome?Ok,howaboutifwerentavideo..

APPENDIXTHREE

Continuedfromtrainingnotesonpage4.
In this approach the trainer sets up demonstration roleplays that give a sense of how various styles
operate.Hereareseveralideas:
1. AfteryouveintroducedDirectingandHarmonizing,havetwopeopledemonstratetheuseofthese
stylesinatwominuteconversationwitheachother.OneusesDirectingandtheotherHarmonizing.
2. Avoiding is so obvious it hardly requires a demo. Maybe sitting alone doing their own thing. Or
showingthelamelittleexcusespeoplemaketoeachotherwhentheyareavoidingandtryingtobe
politeaboutit.Its interestingtoaskabouttheselftalkwedowhenwechooseavoidanceasa
response.
3. IntroduceCooperatingandthendoademonstrationofCooperatingandHarmonizing(perhapsnoting
that Cooperators tend to get uncomfortable when someone is overly Harmonizing because the
CooperatorthenappearstobeDirecting,eventhoughthatisnotintended.)
4. IntroduceCompromisingandthendoademoshowingCompromisingandDirectinginteracting.

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15

ABOUTTHISCONFLICTSTYLEINVENTORY

StyleMattersisa24pageconflictstyleinventorythatscoresusersonfivecommonresponsestoconflict.Different
instructionsaregivenforusersfromindividualisticandcollectivistcultures.Eachstylehasseveralpagesoutlining
itsstrengthsandthecostsofoverusingit,plustipsforbringingoutthebestinpeoplewhofavorthisstyle.Users
need1015minutestotakethetest.Interpretationcanbedonein30minutesorupto8hours.Afifteenpage
TrainersGuidecanbedownloadedforfreeontheRiverhousewebsite.

StyleMattersisavailableforpurchaseinfullcolororinpartcolorfor$4.95to$8.95dependingonquantity.A
digitalPDFdownloadcanbepurchasedonoursitefor$4.95andrightstomakecopiesofitfor$2.95percopy.An
OnlineVersionisalsoavailablefeaturinginstantscoringandinterpretation,afullonlinetutorial,easyemailingof
scores, a 360 feedback option, and expanded coverage of related topics, for $5.95 per user depending on
quantities.

WHYTRAINERSLOVESTYLEMATTERS

StyleMattersusesasimple"fivestylesofconflict"frameworkfamiliartomanytrainers.Ifyouhaveworked
withanotherfivestylesframeworkpreviouslyyouwon'thavetolearnawholenewframework.
Questionsareansweredona16spectrum;noforcedchoicequestions!
Ithonorsthestrengthsandraisesawarenessofthelimitsofallstyles.
Crosscultural option (included in all versions but is unobtrusive when not needed) makes Style Matters
credibletopeoplefromdiverseculturalbackgroundsandhelpsgroupstalkaboutculturaldifferences.
Afullpageoftipsforeachstylegivesclearguidanceonhowtobringoutthebestinothers.Participantsgo
homewithinsightsthatreallymakeadifference.
StepbystepTrainer'sGuidemakesiteasytoplanworkshops.Fourteenpagesofclearinstructions,free!
Greatdiscussionquestionsattheendofeachbooklet.Putpeopleinsmallgroupsandwatchdiscussionstake
offwithprovenstarters.
Lowcost.Affordableforvirtuallyallgroups.

VALIDATIONOFSTYLEMATTERS

A recently completed doctoral research study using Style Matters found the instrument performed well in
reliabilitytestingandisvalidandreliable.JeanChronisKuhn,whoreceivedherDoctorateinNursingPracticeat
Rocky Mountain University of Health Professions, administered Style Matters to Massachusetts nursing home
directorstoassessconflictmanagementstylesbeforeandafteraconflictmanagementteachingintervention.In
herconclusion,ChronisKuhnwrote:Oneconsequencewastheunanticipatedfindingthattheadaptedversion
oftheKraybillConflictStyleInventory(KCSI)performedsowellduringreliabilitytesting,leadingtotheconclusion
that the model and conflict measurement tools have immense applicability to other nursing settings as well as
sustainability.Additionalvalidationstudiesarepresentlyunderway.
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16

QUOTESFROMUSERSOFSTYLEMATTERS
A L L Q U OT E S B Y PER M I S S ION .

WewerepreviouslyusingtheThomasKilmanninourstafftrainingsandhavereceivedalotofpositivefeedbacksincethe
switch.
*MichaelE.Rhodes,LCSW,CPHQ,DirectorofQualityImprovement,PreferredBehavioralHealthofNJ,Brick,NJ

IwanttosayhowpleasedIamwiththeinstrument.EarlierthisFallIpreviewedtheinstrumentandfacilitatorsguidelast
weekwasthefirsttimeIhadanopportunitytouseitanditwasverywellreceivedbythegroup.
*DorisTrainor,DirectorofEmployeeRelationsandProfessionalDevelopment,LoyolaCollege,Baltimore,MD

WehaveusedtheKraybillConflictStyleInventorytwiceandareextremelypleased.....
*JamesReynolds,OrganizationalDevelopmentandTraining,DepartmentofConsumerandBusinessServices,Oregon
IuseStyleMattersasateachingtoolinmybasicmediationclassesandinseminarsforexperiencedconflictresolution
professionals.EverytimeIusetheinventory,participantsbecomethoroughlyengagedinlearningabouttheirownand
others'conflictstyles.Whentheyevaluateclassesandseminars,theyfrequentlywritethattheywillusetheinformation
learnedthroughtheinventory.
*WalterWright,AssociateProfessor,LegalStudies,DepartmentofPoliticalScience,TexasStateUniversity,SanMarcos,Texas

RecentlyIusedyourconflictstyleinventorywithalocalorganization..Wespentadayonitandtheyreallylikedit.People
commentedalotabouthowmuchtheygotoutofit.....
*PhoebeKilby,Sympoetica,Woodstock,Virginia
Havingused[it]forseveralyears,Icansayitishandsdownthebestthingonthemarket.Idoafairamountofmediation
trainingandIfindthattheapproachtheinventorytakesmakesitextremelyusefulfortraining.....Ihavealsouseditwith
professionals(engineers,planners,lawyers)andfinditeffectiveinintroducingconceptsandskillsofconflictresolution.
*LauraBachle,ConfluenceConsulting

Veryhelpfulinstartingdiscussionandgivingusaframeworktousewhenweareprocessingconflictswithinthegroup.It's
simpletounderstandandfuntoworkwith!
*PennGarvin,Longtimetrainer,mediator,communityactivistandfounderofInternationalPeacebuilders,Managua,Nicaragua
Finally,amultifacetedtoolthatunpacksadiversityofconflictstyleswithoutputtingoneinabox.Bravo!Thehighlightsof
culture,situationalcontextandconflictintensityarewelcomedcomplexitiesthatgiveintegritytotheinventory....[Itwas]a
thoughtprovokingexperienceindiscoveringsteppingstonesforconflicttransformationcompetencies..
*CarlStauffer,Coordinator,RegionalPeaceNetworkSouthernAfrica,MennoniteCentralCommittee
.awonderfultoolinbothmediationandcounselingsettingsintheUnitedStatesandinternationally.Ithasbeen
especiallyhelpfulinmyleadershiptrainingcoursestaughtintheUS,Philippines,andCongoDRC.
*TonyRedfern,ExecutiveDirector,NewPathCenter,Inc.,Kingsburg,California

Anexcellenttool!Athoroughpresentationthatcanbeusedbypeoplefromallcultures.Askstherightquestions,dealswith
theimportantrealitythatpeoplereactdifferentlytoconflictsinthebeginningthanlaterwhentheyintensify.Thereflections
anddiscussionsectionisreallywelldone.Thesuggestionsarepractical,andallowparticipantstogodeeperintoanalysis.
*BrianBloch,Director,ISKCONResolve,Mumbai,India

Averyusefulinstrument.Concise,wellorganized,witheasytofollowinstructions.Interpretationisclear,simple,and
specific.Thehelpful"HotTipsforWorkingwithStylesofOthers"reflectthecompetenceandexperienceoftheauthor.Thisis
aninstrumentIameagertouseinmyworkasaconsultantandteacher.
*MarcusG.Smucker,PhD.Congregationalconsultant,Lancaster,Pennsylvania

.ahugesuccessinclass.Mystudentswereveryfascinatedbytheirresults...Thankyousomuch!
*ProfessoratNorthCarolinaCollege
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