10 Ways to Help Your Kids Succeed

I want my three daughters to succeed in everything from schoolwork to after school activities. I
hope they'll find something they love and that they can excel at. I want them to be happy and
well-adjusted.
In short, I want it all for them. How can I help them on the road to success?
1. Teach them to lose gracefully.
Kids who always win aren't going to be ready for the real world. Teach your child how to deal
with disappointment. Let them see you try and fail while maintaining your composure.
2. Encourage perseverance.
Children need to learn to get back up after they fall. When you fall down, get back up and try
again. Successful individuals are persistent people.
3. Be a constant presence.
Be there when your child needs help with their homework, a ride to soccer practice, or someone
to talk to. The key to raising successful kids isn't an expensive present - it's your presence.
4. Cheer loudly.
Be your son or daughter's biggest cheerleader in whatever activities they choose. Don't point out
their failings. Celebrate their progress, as well as their success.
5. Don't do it for them.
It can be tempting to help your child through the rough spots. Know your place. You won't help
your child succeed if you do the work for them.
6. Try new things.
You'll never find your niche if you don't get out of your comfort zone and try something new.
Encourage your child to try a new sport, read a new book, or get involved in a new activity. Be
sure to let them see you do the same!
7. Nurture, don't shelter.

If you want to raise successful children, you'll need to walk a fine line between nurturing and
supporting them and sheltering them from the real world. I wish I had some magic way of
knowing which side of the line I'm treading on, but the truth is that you just have to trust your gut
with this one. If you shelter your children too much, success will be so much harder to come by
in life.
8. Play fair.
The old adage about cheaters rings true today. Remind your children (often) that fair play matters
more than winning and losing.
9. Keep your cool.
Do you yell at the coach from the sidelines? Use obscenities to handle situations at home? Fly off
the handle regularly? Keeping your cool inspires your kids to do the same.
10. Be the example.
If you want your child to succeed in life, be the example for them in all that you say and do.
Children learn when we forget they're even watching. What did you teach your child today?

5 Things Parents Shouldn't Say to Their Kids

It's no secret that parents should pay attention to how they communicate with their
children. Even tiger moms and parents following the French style of raising children
could agree that what we say to our kids -- and how we say it -- matters. Tiger
moms and French parents get the results they want largely because of what they
say. But besides using words to get kids to do what they want, how moms and dads
communicate with their kids directly impacts the parent-child relationship long
term. And it's the simple statements parents make, usually in a moment of
frustration with their young children, which can cause the most damage later on.
Related: 8 things you should never say to a mom
"Words hurt and they can't be taken back, so be careful" says Debbie Pincus, a
therapist, parenting coach and author of "The Calm Parent: AM & PM." Team Mom on
Shine asked Pincus and other parenting experts about the most common phrases
that moms and dads say to young kids in the midst of parental panic. Don't feel bad
if you've said them -- most parents have! "We're human. Our lives are crazy and
sometimes we don't give ourselves time to pause and think," she says. "We don't
want to be so careful that we're not authentic. We're real. Be passionate with your
kids, be real, say what's on your mind. Say it passionately. Just be conscious and
responsible, no matter who we talk to." Pincus adds that calm is contagious and

better things come out of our mouths when we stop ourselves from reacting in the
moment..
The bottom line is that as parents, we're teaching our kids how we want them to
behave in similar situations; modeling the desired behavior is key. Check out what
Pincus and others had to say about five things parents shouldn't say to kids--and
how to turn a moment of frustration into a positive life lesson.
"I don't care."
Little kids love to share details...of their playground conversations with friends, of
the cloud formation they think looks like a sea serpent, of why they squeezed an
entire tube of toothpaste into the bathtub. And sometimes? Parents just don't want
to hear the specifics. But beware of saying "I don't care!" because you're cutting off
communication with your child and saying that something important to him or her
isn't so important to you. "Most parents have a difficult time once children reach the
adolescent stages and complain that their teens are not communicative with them.
Well, the question must be asked then, 'How has the parent-child communication
been nurtured throughout the child's life?'" says Melinda Garcia, a licensed clinical
social worker with ESCAPE Family Resource Center in Houston. "The process of
parent-child communication must evolve positively over the years. There's an
unspoken trust that occurs when communication is nurtured." Try this: Garcia
recommends that parents let the child know an issue can be discussed later,
perhaps at a better time when the parent is more focused. She stresses, however,
that parents must follow through. "Don't let the day end without addressing your
child's need to share with you."
"Act your age!"
Your daughter is seven years old but you think she's acting like she's three...and you
tell her so. Pincus says this common reaction is less about the child's behavior and
all about the parent trying to manage his or her own frustration. The child may, in
fact, be acting their age. "It's just not working out for the parent," she says. "It
makes us feel better in the moment." The result? Kids hear their parents criticizing
them at a time when they, as children, are having trouble and perhaps need some
help gaining control. Try this: Says Pincus, "When you are stirred up, just take that
pause. Come up with an effective response instead of a reaction. Most of what we
do is a knee-jerk reaction. That pause helps to get that adrenaline down so you can
get the thinking part of your brain working instead of the emotional part of the
brain."
"Say you're sorry!"
Your preschooler takes a toy from another child and makes him or her cry. You
instantly tell your child to say sorry for his or her actions. You're trying to teach your
child to be compassionate, which is a laudable goal. But "forcing a child to apologize
does not teach a child social skills," says Bill Corbett, a parent educator, author, and

producer/host of the parenting TV show "Creating Cooperative Kids." Young children

don't automatically understand why they have to apologize. Corbett says that if
parent forces a child to say they are sorry, "it could delay the child's natural
acceptance" of apologizing. Try this: Apologize to the child for your kid as a way to
model the behavior you're trying to encourage. And make sure that when you're in
situations where an apology is warranted, you deliver it just as easily.
"Don't you get it?"
You've taught your kid how to catch a baseball five times over. Or how to add and
subtract fractions. But when your child shows signs that it's not clicking for him or
her, you hastily ask, "Don't you get it?" Learning specialist and author Jill Lauren
tells Team Mom on Shine that this comment is degrading. "If the child 'got it,' which
he desperately wants to do in order to please his parent, it would be clear. Implicit
in a 'don't you get it' comment are the judgments of 'Why don't you get it?' followed
by 'What's wrong with you for not getting it?' While a parent may not mean to send
those messages, that is the message the child receives." Try this: Take a break. If
you're stuck on how to teach your child something, step away. Return to the
"lesson" when you're ready to try again, perhaps after researching alternative
approaches to teaching whatever it is your child is trying to learn.
"I'm going to leave without you!"
Your kid refuses to leave the toy store or a park and you are going to be late for an
appointment. So you issue an ultimatum sure to freak your child out: "I'm going to
leave without you!" For young kids, fear of parental abandonment is very real. But
what happens when your threat doesn't work? "The biggest problem is that we want
our kids to believe what we say. For a whole host of reasons, we need our kids to
believe us. If you want them to believe what we say is true, we cannot say
something that is patently false," says Deborah Gilboa, a family doctor, parenting
speaker, and mom of four boys. The result is that the child quickly learns that mom
or dad makes empty threats. "Parents say it because they don't know what else to
do...it's a bad idea," says Dr. Gilboa: "You need to strive not to make empty threats.
If you plant a flag, you have to defend it...say what you mean and follow through."
Try this: Don't tell your kids you're going to leave without them. Instead, plan
ahead. Chances are high that you've seen your child behave this way before. You
know what will trigger a tantrum. What will you say if your child throws a fit or
refuses to leave? "It's okay to identify unacceptable behavior," says Dr. Gilboa. "You
can tell them it's not acceptable but you have to motivate them with a consequence
that you can carry out."