Sex, Relationships and Thermodynamics

By Ross Middleton
So despite my Puritanical religious if you masturbate magpies will steal your eyes
education throughout my life I actually quite like sex (or at least the notion of it: most
times Im just listening to Led Zepplin and watching The Sopranos). Im also a big fan of
science, from biology to chemistry and anything else insane and possibly deityprovoking. So I thought that for some reason combining the two would be a fun
endeavor. Yeah I know, I used endeavor in a sentence. Im a nerd, okay? If it helps it took
my at least four times to spell it right. Spell Check, you are amazing and if you were a
person Id totally get you drunk on St. Patricks day and have your back in a bar
fight/threesome.
Anyway, since science is a vast arena of human thought I thought Id condense it down to
four simple laws: The Laws of Thermodynamics, rules that govern the way energy
fluctuates all around us. Im going to describe how these laws pertain to sex. Somehow
Im going to do both of those things and be funny at the same time.
This should be good.
Third Law: All processes cease as temperature approaches absolute zero.
Lets begin with aneasy one? Shit. No, wait, Ive got this.
At first glance you might think, Well, dont have sex with anybody whos really cold
and/or immobile. Well, its honest and true but frankly if you need to be told not to have
sex with the undead or coma patients youre already too far gone for a blog post to help.
No, I think that to me this means as sex starts to decrease stress starts to increase, leading
to nothing getting done. A lot of people need some form of sexual release day to day
otherwise theyd go insane and start eating the people in the Starbucks line. Im not
saying you need to bump beakers with somebody or spin the electron by yourself
everyday. Im just saying it needs to fit your needs.
Okay new rule: no science/sex euphemisms. Youre welcome.
Second Law: The entropy almost always increases without thermal equilibrium.
So this ones actually simple and it ties into the first one. Without the actual act of sexman/woman, woman/woman, man/man, man/manatee, tree/Tupperware-whatever-in
ones life, you tend to go nuts. See before I was talking about sexual release, with is the
fancy scientific term for what most people call whacking the bonobo (scratching the
record, for you ladies), whereas now Im talking about sex, as in the thing those sinful
teenagers are doing/fun. The more you go without sex the more stressed out you
become. Prime example: have you ever seen Hugh Hefner frowning? Yeah, exactly.
First Law: Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, or the total energy output
is equal to the heat supplied.
Lets put it this way: if you complain about people putting you in the friend zone all the
time, crazy as it seems its not actually their fault. People-i.e women,because men do not
really friendzone as far as I can tell-are attracted to others with high energy levels.
According to Darwin, the fittest survive and pass their genes and if you want to get into
anybodys jeans you better lose the fedora, shave that pencil beard off and for gods sake
stop complaining about people not having sex with you because youre nice. Interesting
Proposal #1: being nice to people to get something out of them is the opposite of nice.
Interesting Proposal #2: taking a girl to Gamestop for a date is like taking a Jewish person

to a sausage link factory for the day. Seriously, Dave, what the hell?
Zero Law: If two systems are each in balance with a third system, then they are in
balance with each other.
Now I must admit this one was tricky but I believe I have a sound theory now. Now, this
might be controversial, but hear me out.
If youre ever seeing two people at the same time and they know about the other person
and theyre fine with that-most male historians call it a miracle-its imperative that the
two people in the relationship like each other in case they ever meet. Its like a water
molecule. Water is H2O-two hydrogen molecules and one oxygen molecule. Water has
such a strong bond because of how well the hydrogen molecules get along. But if you
replaced the hydrogen molecules with, say, that crazy bitch Helium and that stupid son of
a bitch Nitrogen and suddenly youve got one hell of an unstable compound thatd
probably melt your skin off if you tried to drink it.
So, to conclude, have sex that would make Bill Nye the Science guy proud/creeped out.