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Ali M. Meghdadi
Writing 39C/ Section 33337
February 13, 2015
Betterment in the Welfare System for Abused Children
In recent years, the services provided by the United States child welfare system have
become less effective in protecting the lives of child abuse cases, and this issue could arise into
greater dilemmas if not resolved. Since 1975, The Family Law Act has limited the inclusion of
pre-forensic reports of the abused childs account or testimony in the judges case file, and this
implies that the child will only be able to defend themselves if they do it verbally in the presence
of their abuser. This method of acquiring the childs information does not benefit the child in

Commented [da1]: Watch your spacing for this section,

you need to make sure you dont add additional space in
between paragraphs. As far as your header, your last name
and page number are in Callibri rather than Times. Make
sure to change that.
Commented [da2]: You do not need to underline the title
of your paper.
Commented [da3]: Subject-verb agreement.
In the beginning, you are discussing protecting the lives.
Child abuse cases do not have lives. Be wary of
grammatical agreement.
Commented [da4]: Arise is awkward here, try changing it
to something like erect or lead to. Try not to impress
the reader by using complex diction if you do not use the
diction properly.
Commented [da5]: Do so

court because studies have shown that abused children are more likely to give little or inaccurate
information to legal authorities when there abuser is present due to the fear of the risks that are
associated with it.
If the child does not speak or give accurate information, this could lead into another
predicament that would weaken the defense of the child. The child would then have to rely on

Commented [da6]: Overall, I feel this introduction is a

little lacking. It is very brief as far as introduction of the
topic as well as perspective. Try to add a little more and give
the paragraph more sustenance.
Commented [da7]: Subject-verb agreement
Make sure your two clauses agree

the representation of an attorney or child welfare worker, which requires a lot of responsibility
on them. This is an issue because the United States is infamously ranked high for attorney
negligence and welfare workers lack the proper skills to represent their child in court. The
responsibility of defending the child is highly important, yet welfare workers and attorneys still
are not reaching their full potential to help the child because there is still negligence in basic
organization and understanding of the childs case that they will need to know in court.

Commented [da8]: Subject-verb agreement. Who is

Them? There are no plural subjects in the first clause of
this sentence.
Commented [da9]: This phrase is becoming very
redundant and is taking away from your ideas because this
is all I am noticing now. Just say Defending the child (or
victim)
Commented [da10]: Passive construction, rephrase so
your thoughts are more concise and coherent too verbose.

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Overall, the issues involved with the Family Law Act of 1975 and the negligence within
welfare workers and attorneys all contribute to the flaws within the court systems for abused

Commented [da11]: I think among might be a better

selection here. Unless you are questioning the morality of
the workers and attorneys and what is inside of them.

children. These flaws should be of the upmost concern to the public because they effect society
from both a moralistic and economic view. Society should view the severity of the issue of child

Commented [da12]: moral

abuse morally because the public view regarding child abuse is to show complete sympathy and

Commented [da13]: omit we already know child abuse

is the issue. This is just becoming word Fluff.

remorse towards the idea of a young child being maltreated. These children are at risk for a
variety of issues related to the damage of their physical, emotional, and psychological health. In
figure 1 below, it lists examples of the increased risks that are associated with the futures of

Commented [da15]: Public perception on child abuse

Commented [da16]: Try rephrasing this entire sentence.
There seem to be a lot of ideas going on in this sentence
that are fighting for space. Maybe separate them in to
separate sentences.
Commented [da17]: Unnecessary word fluff,

abused children if they are not treated immediately.

The Risks Associated With Abused Children
Mental Health Disorders, Addictions, & Related
Issues
Risk for intimate partner violence

Commented [da14]: What? Awkward phrasing.

Sexual & Reproductive Health Issues and Risk

Factors
Multiple Sexual Partners

Alcoholism and alcohol abuse

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Illicit Drug Abuse

Unintended Pregnancies

Smoking and Drinking prematurely

Early initiation of sexual activity

Depression/ Suicide

Adolescent pregnancy/fetal death

Commented [da18]: These childrens physical, emotional,

and psychological health are in danger.
Your sentences are extremely passive and they drag and
deter your reader from wanting to continue. I am constantly
finding myself confused by your sentence structure.
Commented [da19]: This either needs to be in quotations
or 1 needs to be written as one.
Commented [da20]: Subject verb agreement

Figure 1: "Child Abuse Statistics." Childhelp Child Abuse Statistics. Childhelp, 5 Jan. 2011. Web. 14 Feb. 2015.
<https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse-statistics/>.

As depicted in the table above, there are numerous implications that damage the wellbeing of abused children. The idea of allowing the currently flaw welfare system to not make an

Commented [da21]: Passive construction

Commented [da22]: fllawed

effective difference in resolving these abuse cases will soon have a domino effect. The flaws in

Commented [da23]: Awkward phrasing. Reword entirely.

the welfare system will cause abuse cases to be left unresolved. Abused children would then

Commented [da24]: Will write actively and in the

present.

remain in unhealthy environments, and they will most likely be victims of the risks listed in
figure 1. The final result would then be an economic issue because it will be too costly to pay for

Commented [da25]: could or will.

Commented [da26]: What will be too costly? What is
It? The state of child abuse cases? The children affected
by this? Be specific.

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the welfare needed to fund for programs that financially assist formerly abused children that

Commented [da27]: omit

become involved in either promiscuous or illegal activity. All of the rehabilitation clinics and
resources to help these children and future non-functional members of society would have to
come out of the paychecks of working class Americans.
From an economic standpoint, the flaws within the welfare system are the reasons why
Americans today are still losing a percentage of their earnings to taxes that fund for welfare
programs. The funding for these welfare programs should arguably be seen as a loss because in
terms of the effort to relieve child abuse, these practices are ineffective in resolving child abuse.
In April 2012, the United States has spent an estimated $80 billion dollars for all costs related to
child abuse and neglect (Gelles 2012). The breakdown of all the costs in 2012 can be seen in
figure 2 provided below.

Annual Cost Report of Child Abuse & Neglect (2012)

Medical Treatment

Mental Health Care System

Child Welfare System

Law Enforcement

Early Intervention

Special Education

Emergency Housing

Mental Health Care

Juvenille Delinquency

Adult Criminal/ Justice Costs

Lost Worker Productivity

Figure 2: Gelles, Richard, and Staci Perlman. "A Prevent Child Abuse America Report." Firststar. 9 Apr. 2012. Web. 15 Feb. 2015.
<https://www.firststar.org/library/pcaa-economic-impact-study.aspx>.

Commented [da28]: can you actually quantify something

like this? What shows we are losing effort?

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As depicted in the pie chart, there are numerous costs to be considered when it comes to
the amount of tax dollars going to child abuse welfare programs. However, the $80 billion only

Commented [da29]: Do not state the audience. Your

audience knows how to read the pie chart.

accounted for the costs of child abuse victims that year. The lifetime costs such as long-term
resources and healthcare provided to child abuse victims can reach up to $124 billion (CDC
2012). The time has come for the United States to enact methods that would resolve the issues of

Commented [da30]: Do not use dollar signs. What is the

124 billion used for that is different from the 80 billion, and
why is it significant?

the Family Law Act and negligence in welfare service. Betterment within this system is purely
essential to create an infrastructure that would decrease the amount of child abuse cases and
improve the skills of welfare workers and attorneys that are necessary to assist in the endeavor to
decrease the number of abuse cases.
Again, the issue of children not fully being able to express themselves is caused by the
Family Law Act of 1975; however, there are still measures that can be taken to get accurate
information from children and have the information be retrievable in court. Child Focused
Practices (CFPs) are the most effective in the minimization or missing of childrens needs

Commented [da31]: Awkward phrasing and passive

construction.

(Hannan 91). This would seem to be one of the most logical practices to be conducted because it
actually does provide the opportunity for children to speak individually with a welfare worker or
a child psychologist that would give them their full attention and ensured protection.
Child welfare services that do not use CFPs do have many arguments as to why they are
not utilized, but their justifications are mainly extensions of simple excuses and laziness. The
main reason why many welfare programs do not use CFPs is because they argue that, they do
not have enough time and resources to see children. (Hannan 91) If the main issue is time, then
it could be argued that welfare really do not have enough time to tend for their clients or it is of
their own personal choice.

Commented [da32]: does

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It is true that welfare workers really do not have enough time for certain clients because
they choose to get involved in over the recommended amount of cases the average welfare
workers should take. In a national survey of 29 union affiliates representing over 13,380 welfare
workers, only 11% of workers had the average recommended workload while the rest exceeded
the average workload (Munson 3). The goal that these welfare systems want to accomplish is to
optimize the amount of cases they solved by maximizing the workloads of the workers.
However, overworking welfare workers is actually harming the effort to relieve the growing
number of child abuse cases, and it ruins the quality of service as well. Recent studies have
shown that overworking welfare case workers is ineffective because they do not have the time to
provide timely casework, make good decision making skills, and build relationships with their
child (Munson 4). Instead, workers would be too exhausted and experience excessive levels of

Commented [da33]: Good point. Your writing is

becoming more coherent here.

burnouts; therefore CFPs would prove to be worth the time because it allows more highly
qualitative and effect results.
CFPs also do not require much resources as other welfare systems claim to believe.

Commented [da34]: As many

CFPs only require a trained welfare worker or child psychologist that can competently evaluate
if a child really is a victim of abuse and listen to what they have to say about their accounts.
Fortunately, the introduction of CFPs into welfare systems is a simple and enforceable addition
because many of the current welfare workers are already qualified to follow the methods needed
in CFPs. According to recent reports, 80% of welfare workers that have stayed in child welfare
longer than two years have at least one social work degree (Munson 5). The knowledge that was
gained in acquiring this degree is sufficient enough to properly speak and question abused
children because it comprises of trainings that taught important aspects when questioning such as
the social and psychological conventional skills.

Commented [da35]: Do not use a percent sign in text.

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The decision to incorporate CFPs into more welfare systems would be the wisest
decision made in order to increase the amount of information needed from possibly abused

Commented [da36]: unnecessary

children. Having the full account of the childs abuse is vital in court because the Family Law
Act is not going to require it. The measure to add CFPs to welfare systems is not a waste of time
because it is actually worth the time to effectively resolve a few child abuse cases rather than
wasting time trying to solve as many cases as one can. It does not require a significant amount of
money, resources, and training because many of the workers there are already properly certified
in speaking with the child. Most importantly, the solutions that CFPs can offer in representing
the childs defense have already been proven and executed by some welfare agencies in the
country.
Child Focused Practices are legitimately capable of getting the information needed from
children and obtaining the desired results in court because it is reasonable for children to speak
with someone they trust and are comfortable with. These practices combine successful
therapeutic elements drawn from cognitive, behavioral, and family therapy (Cohen 3). All of
these therapies all have the central goal of providing support and skills to abused and traumatized
children. It has also been found that since these practices can also be long-term, they will also
prevent abused children from getting involved in maladaptive behaviors such as alcoholism and
smoking (Cohen 4). Thus, it can also help decrease the long term costs of welfare services such
as rehabilitation and health care as mentioned earlier in figure 2. This and other results will
confirm the necessity to incorporate CFPs into welfare systems.
Welfare systems that already have conducted the methods from CFPs show noticeably
successful results in court and in the well-being of the child. In one case study, a mother of two
children, James and Lisa, was worried of family violence being occurred by her ex-partner Chad

Commented [da37]: passive construction

her ex-partner, Chad, was abusing her children.

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(Hannan 94). Unluckily, her case was denied because she lacked enough evidence due to the
Family Law Act limitation of resources to obtain the sufficient information against her partner.
Since her ex-partner denied all the claims being made against him, CFPs were put in place to
gain information from the children. The children were eager and comfortable to speak with the
welfare worker, and enough information was given to request a medical practitioners
examination on the children and mother. The examination showed positive for signs of abuse and
the mothers case was later brought back and won; the mother and children are now safe and the
ex-partner is no longer given visitation rights of the children (Hannan 95). As a whole, CFPs
have proven to improve the outcomes of other similar child abuse cases. The same practices were
conducted in 11 other investigations, and all showed positive results in having enough
information to defend the child in court and going in the childs favor to be given more
protection (Cohen 6). These results are conclusive, and justify the introduction of CFPs into
more prevalence in the child welfare system.

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Student,
Overall, your paper is solid, but there is definitely room for improvement. Make sure you go
over the structure and of your paper before you continue with any drafts or submit for a grade. I
have noted any structural errors throughout the paper within the comments, but I will restate
them here. Your header is not in Times New Roman and the font size is most likely eleven.
Make sure to change this you want uniformity throughout your paper. You do not need to
underline the title of your paper - this is an MLA-formatted essay, not a novel. When you go to
Paragraph, make sure you check the box that says do not add additional spaces in between
paragraphs. This box is what makes the heading on the first page as well as the spacing in
between paragraphs larger than the spaces in between lines. Make sure you fix this. Lastly, your
paper has no Works Cited page. If you do not have a references page, but cite quotations in
your text, you will not be graded on your paper. Be wary of your formatting as this is an easy
way for you to fail your paper.
Your grammar, overall, was descent. There were some diction errors and awkward phrasing that
I made sure to note throughout your paper. However, your most glaring issue is passive
construction. So much so that I stopped reading your paper for a time because it bothered me that
much. I could not highlight every passively-constructed sentence because I might highlight most
of your essay. This is usually the product of someone who does not know the topic they are
discussing or someone that has not invested the time into their topic to be able to discuss the
topic in full while trying to meet a word count. Passively-constructed sentences are unintelligent
and take away from the full effect of your essay. Make sure to speak in an active voice and draw
the reader into the essay by being concise as well as colorful with your grammar. Otherwise, the
information you are trying to present will never make it to the reader because the reader will be
too deterred by grammar mistakes and passive writing. I cannot stress this enough, so make sure
you are writing in an active voice. If there is one thing that can fail you quickly, it is passive
voice. There were some diction errors throughout your essay as well. Make sure you know
exactly what the words you are using mean and how to properly use them in context. I have
highlighted these occurrences. Misuse of diction will lead the reader to question your ethos. To
prevent any of this, you should read your paper out loud before you submit any draft. Anything
that sounds awkward when you say it out loud will be awkward in text as well. This is an easy
way to solve grammatical errors.
Overall, your ideas were presented adequately. Your introduction seemed a little flat to me and
did not draw me into the subject or make me want to read your paper. Make sure to inject a little
life into your paper and further analyze your data. There is too much story-telling in this paper
and not enough analysis and consequence. Good luck with your next draft.
Dan.