LIFETRAPS

INTRUCTIONS: Rate each of the next twenty-two statements in terms of how true each is of you on this six-point
scale.
SCORING KEYS
1
2
3
4
5
6

Completely untrue of me
Mostly untrue of me
Slightly more true than untrue of me
Moderately true of me
Mostly true of me
Describes me perfectly

First, rate how true the statements were of you as a child. If your answer would be different for various
times your childhood, choose the rating that best fits the way you felt in general up until the age of twelve.
Then, rate how true each item is of you now, as an adult. If your answer would be different for various
periods of your adult life, choose the rating that best applies to you in the past six months.
THE QUESTIONNAIRE
Chil
d

Now

Description
1. I find myself clinging to people Im close to
because Im afraid theyll leave me.
2. I worry a lot that the people I love will find
someone else they prefer and leave me.
3. I am usually on the lookout for peoples ulterior
motives; I dont trust people easily.
4. I feel I cannot let my guard down around other
people or they will hurt me.
5. I worry more than the average person about
danger that I will get sick or that some harm will
come to me
6. I worry that I (or my family) will lose money
and become destitute or dependent on others.
7. I do not feel I can cope well by myself, so I feel I
need other people to help me get by.
8. My parents and I tend to be over involved in
each others lives and problems.
9. I have not had someone to nurture me, share
himself/herself with me, or care deeply about what
happens to me.
10. People have not been there to meet my
emotional needs for understanding, empathy,
guidance, advice and support
11. I feel like I do not belong. I am different. I do
not really fit in.
12. Im dull and boring; I dont know what to say
socially.
13. No one I desire who knew the real me with all
my defects exposed could love me.
14. I am ashamed of myself; I am unworthy of the
love, attention, and respect of others.
15. I am not as intelligent or capable as most
people when it comes to work (or school).
16. I often feel inadequate because I do not
measure up to others in terms of talent,
intelligence and success.
17. I feel that I have no choice but to give un to
other peoples wishes; otherwise they will retaliate
or reject me in some way.
18. People see me as doing too much for others
and not enough for myself.
19. I try to do my best I cant settle for good
enough. I like to be number one at what I do.
20. I have so much to accomplish that there is
almost no time to relax and really enjoy myself.

21. I feel that I shouldnt have to follow the normal

rules and conventions other people do.
22. I cant seem to discipline myself to complete
routine, boring tasks or to control my emotions.

Now transfer your scores from the questionnaire to the score sheet.
Example: For Question 1, take your score for this item under the Child column and transfer it to Box 1
under the Child column in the Score Sheet. Now take your score for this item Now and transfer it to the
next Box 1 (under the Now column).
Next, look at your score for Question 2 under the Child column. Transfer it to Box 2 under the Child column.
Then, take your score for Question 2 Now and transfer it to the next Box 2, under the Now column.
Look at all the four score in the row. Transfer your highest score into the last box. If your highest score is 4,
5 or 6, put a check mark in the first column. If your highest score is 1, 2, or 3, leave the box blank. Go
ahead and fill in the rest of the score sheet in the same way.

THE SCORE SHEET

Lifetrap

Chil
d

Child

Now

Now

Abandonment

1.

1.

2.

2.

Mistrust and Abuse

3.

3.

4.

4.

Vulnerability

5.

5.

6.

6.

Dependence

7.

7.

8.

8.

9.

9.

10.

10.

Social Exclusion

11.

11.

12.

12.

Defectiveness

13.

13.

14.

14.

Failure

15.

15.

16.

16.

Subjugation

17.

17.

18.

18.

19.

19.

20.

20.

21.

21.

22.

22.

Highest
Score

Emotional
Deprivation

Unrelenting
Standards
Entitlement

Refer to your score sheet; each lifetrap with a next to it is likely to apply to you. Naturally, the higher
your scores for each lifetrap, the more powerful it probably is for you, and the more impact it probably has
had on your life.

THE ELEVEN LIFETRAPS

Two lifetraps relate to a lack of safety or security in your childhood family. These are Abandonment and
Mistrust.
ABANDONEMENT
The Abandonment lifetrap is the feeling that people you love will leave you, and you will end up
emotionally isolated forever. Whether you feel people close to you will die, leave home forever, or abandon
you because they prefer someone else, somehow you feel that you will be left alone. Because of this belief,
you nay cling to people close to you too much. Ironically, you end up pushing them away. You may get very
upset or angry about even normal separations.
MISTRUST AND ABUSE
The Mistrust and Abuse lifetrap is the expectation that people will hurt or abuse you in some way that
they will cheat, lie to, manipulate, humiliate, physically harm, or otherwise take advantage of you. If you
have this lifetrap, you hide behind a wall of mistrust to protect yourself. You never let people get too close.
You are suspicious of other peoples intentions, and tend to assume the worst. You expect that the people
you love will betray you. Either you avoid relationship altogether, form superficial relationship in which you
do not rally open up to others, or you form relationships with people who treat you badly and then feel
angry and vengeful towards them.
Two lifetraps relate to your ability to function independently in the world. These lifetraps are Dependence
and Vulnerability.
DEPENDENCE
If you are caught in the Dependence lifetrap, you feel unable to handle everyday life in a competent
manner without considerable help from others. You depend on others to act as a crutch and need constant
support. As a child you were made to feel incompetent when you tried to assert your independence. As an
adult, you seek out strong figures upon whom to become dependent and allow them to rule your life. At
work, you shrink from acting on your own. Needless to say, this holds you back.
VULNERABILITY
With Vulnerability, you live in fear that disaster is about to strike whether natural, criminal, medical or
financial. You do not feel safe in the world. If you have this lifetrap, as a child you were made to feel that
the world is a dangerous place. You were probably overprotected by your parents, who worried too much
about your safety. Your fears are excessive and unrealistic, yet you let then control your life, and pour your
energy into making sure that you are safe. Your fears may revolve around illness: having an anxiety attack,
getting AIDS, or going crazy. They may be focused around financial vulnerability: going broke and ending
up on the streets. Your vulnerability may revolve around other phobic situations, such as a fear of flying,
being mugged or earthquakes.
Two lifetraps relate to the strength of your emotional connections to others: Emotional Deprivation and
Social Exclusion.
EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION
Emotional Deprivation is the belief that your need for love will never be met adequately by other people.
You feel that no one truly cares for you or understands how you feel. You find yourself attracted to cold and
ungiving people, or you are cold and ungiving yourself, leading you to form relationships that inevitably
prove unsatisfying. You feel cheated, and you alternate between being angry about it and feeling hurt and
alone. Ironically, your anger just drives people further away, ensuring your continued deprivation. It is a
quality of emptiness, of emotional disconnection. These are people who do not know what love is.
SOCIAL EXCLUSION
Social Exclusion involves your connection to friends and groups. It has to do with feeling isolated from the
rest of the world, with feeling different. If you have this lifetrap, as a child you felt excluded by peers. You
did not belong to a group of friends. Perhaps you had some unusual characteristics that made you feel

different in some way. As an adult, you maintain your lifetrap mainly through avoidance. You avoid
socializing in groups and making friends.
You may have felt excluded because there was something about you that other children rejected. Hence,
you felt socially undesirable. As an adult, you may feel that you are ugly, sexually undesirable, low in
status, poor in conversation skills, boring, or otherwise deficient. You re-enact your childhood rejection
you feel and act inferior in social situations.
It is not always apparent that someone has a social exclusion lifetrap. Many people with this lifetrap are
quite comfortable in intimate settings and are quite socially skilled. Their lifetrap may not show in one-toone relationships. It sometimes surprises us to realize how anxious and aloof they may feel at parties, in
classes, at meetings, or at work. They have a restless quality, a quality of looking for a place to belong.
The two lifetraps that relate to your self-esteem are Defectiveness and Failure.

DEFECTIVENESS
With defectiveness, you feel inwardly flawed and defective. You believe that you would be fundamentally
unlovable to anyone who get close enough to really know you. Your defectiveness would be exposed. As a
child, you did not feel respected for who you were in your family. Instead, you were criticized for your
flaws. You blamed yourself you felt unworthy of love. As an adult, you are afraid of love. You find it
difficult to believe that people close to you value you, so you expect rejection.
FAILURE
Failure is the belief that you are inadequate in areas of achievement, such as school, work and sports. You
believe you have failed relative to your peers. As a child, you were made to feel inferior in terms of
achievement. You may have had a learning disability, or you may never have learned enough discipline to
master important skills, such as reading. Other children were always better than you. You were called
stupid, untalented, or lazy. As an adult, you maintain your lifetrap by exaggerating the degree of
your failure and by acting in ways that ensure your continued failure.
Two lifetraps deal with self-expression your ability to express what you want and get your true needs
met: Subjugation and Unrelenting Standards.
SUBJUGATION
With Subjugation, you sacrifice your own needs and desires for the sake of pleasing others or meeting their
needs. You allow others to control you. You do this either out of guilt that you hurt other people by
putting yourself first or fear that you will be punished or abandoned if you disobey. As a child, someone
close to you, probably a parent subjugated you. As an adult, you repeatedly enter relationships with
dominant, controlling people and subjugate yourself to them or you enter relationships with needy people
who are too damaged to give back to you in return.

UNRELENTING STANDARDS
If you are in the Unrelenting Standards lifetrap, you strive relentlessly to meet extremely high expectations
of yourself. You place excessive emphasis on status, money, achievement, beauty, order or recognition at
the expense of happiness, pleasure, health, a sense of accomplishment, and satisfying relationships. You
probably apply your rigid standards to other people as well and are very judgmental. When you were a
child, you were expected to be the best, and you were taught that anything else was failure. You learned
that nothing you did was quite good enough.
ENTITLEMENT
The final lifetrap, Entitlement, is associated with the ability to accept realistic limits in life. People who
have this lifetrap feel special. They insist that they be able to do, say or have whatever they want

immediately. They disregard what others consider reasonable, what is actually feasible, the time or
patience usually required and the cost to others. They have difficulty with self-discipline.
Many of the people with this lifetrap were spoiled as children. They were not required to show self-control
or to accept the restrictions placed on other children. As adult, they still get very angry when they do not
get what they want.