MARCH 2015

Today at their debt forgiveness celebration, Irving

Bible Church presented My Refuge House with a check
of $110,000 for the Ohana Pavilion! Thank you IBC!

My Refuge House via Facebook

WHY ARE WE HERE?

IBC is a community that exists

because we believe Jesus Christ
transforms lives. We want to be fully
alive as followers of Jesus, and we
hope youll join us on this journey.

HOW DO WE DO THIS?
GROWING IN CHRIST At the
heart of our journey is the gospel of
Jesus. We trust Christ as our Savior
and find ourselves becoming more
like him as we deepen our relationship with him.
CONNECTING IN COMMUNITY

The way of following Jesus is not a

path we walk alone. The gospel story
draws us into a community of people
whose lives are being transformed
by Jesus.

JOINING THE MISSION Followers

of Jesus arent just saved, theyre also

sent. Believers become witnesses to
the grace of God as they take part in
his mission to rescue and redeem the
lost and broken.
For more about growing in Christ,
connecting in community, and joining the mission at IBC, please contact
info@irvingbible.org.
CONTACT IBC
2435 Kinwest Pkwy
Irving, TX 75063
(972) 560-4600

irvingbible.org
irvingbible
TWITTER @ibcvoice
ELETTER irvingbible.org/eletter
WEB

FACEBOOK

New to IBC? Turn to page 18.

JOURNEY ON
CELEBRATION SUNDAY
& VALENTINES DINNER
AND DANCE

On Sunday, February 1, the IBC

family celebrated the retirement of its $9 million dollar
mortgage. On Friday, February
13, over 230 single parents and
their kids attended the annual
Valentines Dinner and Dance
for single-parent families. The
night featured limo and carriage rides, Tango dancing, and
a fancy dinner.

I danced with my mom and only

stepped on one of her toes!

Overheard Young Move-buster

a letter from Chatter

Chatter is
Editor Julie Rhodes
Art Direction, Design & Goodness
Josh Wiese, Lindsey Sobolik, JD Lemming
Admin Extraordinaire
Victoria Andrews
Pastor to Hashtags
Scott McClellan, Communications Pastor
Photography
Evan Chavez (JO Celebration)*
Jacque Bundy (Choir, Nora)*
Megan Foreman (Chatter Facts)*
Patty Thompson (Valentines Dance)*

ONE OF THE MOST VIVID DESCRIPTIONS OF GOD I heard as a high school student was that he was

a Gentleman. That he wouldnt force his way into your life and into your heart and into your head. That
he respected personal space and would keep his hands to himself (in a metaphysical sense, of course). I
dont know that the prophets of old would describe God in such polite terms, what with all his flooding
and plaguing and scattering. But certainly Jesus arrival heralded a new era when God would interact with
men as a man himself. And Scripture records Jesus letting a lot of men go their own way. He even held the
door open for them.
Consider
The Rich Young Ruler.
The unnamed disciples who abandoned Jesus
after some hard teaching (John 6).
Pilate.

Writers
Jason Fox (Idle Chatter)*
Editorial Assistance/Proofing
Summer Alexander*, Annie Stone*
Thoughts, comments, ideas?
Contact Chatter at chatter@irvingbible.org.
Need Chatter Digitally?
Chatter is on the web at
irvingbible.org/chatter.
Are you a media socialite?
Like Chatter on Facebook. Its so likeable.
*Most beloved and indispensable
Chatter Volunteer.

Peter.
Judas.
Perhaps the best way to describe Jesus posture towards each was: Gentle. Jesus was gentle. With all
of them. He wasnt conciliatory or eager to barter a
deal or angst-ridden or threatening. He was direct
yet kind. And then the great Gentle-man let them
go and do.
Jesus describes himself in these terms in Matthew
11: Come to Me, all who are weary and heavyladen, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon
you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble
in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
This bothers me. It shouldnt bother me. It should
comfort me. And sometimes it DOES comfort me,
but sometimes it bothers me because there are
times I find myself screaming into the wind for
God to bulldoze his way into my life and circumstance. Im shouting, Its not un-Gentlemanly for
you to swoop in and do a miracle if I ASK you to, is
it? That would be CHIVALROUS. Ever heard of
chivalry? I dont want rest for my soul. I want
and need an emergency evacuation.

C HAT TE R FA C T I CON K EY
CULTURE

LANGUAGE

FOOD

LIFE

GENERAL

SCIENCE

GEOGRAPHY

TOMFOOLERY

HISTORY

happened to possess great wealth) walk away

empty-handed? If I wasnt such a nice girl, Id find
it all a bit chilling.
We are now entering the season of Lent, a time of
preparation and examination of our souls. Its a
time to contemplate the people we are. The person
I am. Right now. Right this very minute. Its also a
decision to sit and stay with Jesus a while, to learn
from him, and maybe not say very much. Maybe
he wont say very much, either. I can stay or leave;
walk out onto the veranda for a bit (because in my
mind, Jesus and I meet in Tuscan villas), come
back inside, curl up on the couch, listen, argue
a point, laugh, ask my little baby questions or
leave him altogether. He would let me go, help me
carry my bag to the curb, so I could go and do and
be somewhere else. But wouldnt it be more interesting to stay?
Maybe lingering with this mysterious gentleman
is the only way to learn things about him and myself how he might be working in my unexplainable, unintelligible life. Maybe his direct-yet-kind
presence will show me who I really am and who he
really is. Maybe those are his terms, and nothing
less: to be sought out instead of invoked, pursued
instead of provoked.
Maybe.
At any rate, thats my hunch and Im going to act on
it this month. Ill let you know how it all pans out.
I hope youll do the same, and that well find deep,
warm hammocks hidden everywhere, just waiting
to bear our weight.

I have a friend whos left the faith to become an

agnostic. One of her reasons is that if God was real,
wouldnt he force his way into my life and consciousness? Wouldnt he make himself incredibly,
undeniably, unavoidably real and present? Why
doesnt he prove himself real if he is real? Why
remain a mystery?
I understand that question. A lot.
Why didnt Jesus chase Judas down the street and
MAKE him understand his error? Why not force
open Pilates eyes? Why let a good man who was
apparently eager to understand salvation (and
The gentleman does not needlessly and unnecessarily remind an offender of a wrong he
may have committed against him. He can not
only forgive, he can forget. Robert E. Lee

Chatter | 3

WHAT ARE YOU READING THESE DAYS? Novels? Novellas? Nonsense? If you havent
picked it up yet, Dwell: Life With God for The World by IBCs very own Barry Jones, is a
must for the Lenten season. Heres a little taste.

Moving
into
the
Neighborhood

Chatter | 4

The average American

boy or girl spends as few as
30 minutes in unstructured
outdoor play each day.

ne of the most important biblical commands we need to hear in the

midst of our busyness and fragmentation is the simple command
from the Apostle Paul in Romans 12:13: Practice hospitality. The
word Paul uses here literally means love a stranger. That sounds
like a frightening concept to many of us, as it seems to imply taking
a random person off of the street into our home. But, for many of us, the
people in are neighborhoods are, in fact, strangers to us.
Christine Pohl describes the importance of practicing hospitality in the life
of the early church when she writes, Hospitality to needy strangers distinguished the early church from its surrounding environment. Noted as exceptional by Christians and non-Christians alike, offering care to strangers
became one of the distinguishing marks of the authenticity of the Christian
gospel and of the church.1 Their acts of hospitality were grounded in the
hospitality of God and their demonstrable love toward their neighbors became
one of the most significant factors in the spread of the gospel throughout the
Roman Empire. And their context bears a significant resemblance to our own.
Pohl continues,
Our contemporary situation is surprisingly similar to the early Christian
context in which the normative understanding and practices of hospitality
were developed. We, like the early church, find ourselves in a fragmented and
multicultural society that yearns for relationships, identity, and meaning.
Our mobile and self-oriented society is characterized by disturbing levels of
loneliness, alienation, and estrangement People are hungry for welcome
but most Christians have lost track of the heritage of hospitality.2

PRAY While it might seem clich, praying for our neighbors regularly is a remarkably important way to invest in our neighborhood. We tend to care more
for and pay more attention to the things we pray about regularly.
SHOW UP Whether its a cup of sugar, a ride to the airport, or something more

substantial, good neighbors have opportunities to help one another in times of

need. Dont miss those opportunities when they present themselves. (And it
doesnt hurt to borrow a cup of sugar from them from time to time, too.)
Not long ago my family moved into a new neighborhood. Our goal was to make
life smaller, to live closer to where I work and where we worship so that our
lives would be more integrated, less complicated. When in the market for a
new home, a real estate agent will tell you that there are three things that are
fundamentally important: location, location, location. Ive become convinced
that the same thing is true when it comes to spirituality and mission. When
it comes to living life with God for the world, there are three things that are
fundamentally important: location, location, location. In his classic paraphrase
of John 1:14, Eugene Peterson writes, And the Word became flesh and moved
into the neighborhood.
Taken from Dwell by Barry D. Jones. Copyright (c) 2014 by Barry D. Jones. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press, P.O. Box 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515, USA. www.ivpress.com
ENDNOTES
1 Christine Pohl, Making Room: Recovering Hospitality as a Christian Tradition
(Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1999), 33.
2 Ibid.

People in our neighborhoods are, indeed, hungry for welcome. If we truly

want to live life with God for the world, we must rethink the ways we relate
to the world, which means rethinking the ways we relate to the world closest
to us rethinking the ways we relate to our neighbors. Here are a handful or
relatively simple but imminently practical ways for us to pursue connections
with the people in our neighborhoods:
STAY HOME We cant possibly be good neighbors if were never home. Often
we work outside the neighborhood, worship outside the neighborhood, shop
outside the neighborhood, eat outside the neighborhood, and play outside the
neighborhood. And much of this is unavoidable. But we need to examine the
choices we make and look for ways we can prioritize being more fully present
in our personal parish.
GO OUTSIDE We miss opportunities for spontaneous interaction with our

neighbors because were not outside at the same time. The only way to counteract that reality is to spend more time outside. Sit on the front porch. Play in
the front yard. Take regular walks around the neighborhood.
PAY ATTENTION Were often so busy or so distracted that we fail to notice
whats going on right around us. We often fail to even see our neighbors. Without becoming invasive, we need to learn to be better about observing whats
happing in the lives of people around us.
CELEBRATE One of the best ways to make connections with people in our
neighborhood is to throw a party. Look for opportunities for celebration and be
intentional about including the people around you. Jesus knew how to throw a
good diner party. So should his followers.
ASK QUESTIONS We get to know people by getting to know their stories. We

get to know their stories by asking them questions. Look for opportunities to
ask your neighbors about their lives.

According to a Pew Research

study in 2013, 55% of Americans
say they pray every day.

We, like the early

church, find ourselves
in a fragmented and
multicultural society
that yearns for relationships, identity,
and meaning.
Jim Nabors played the
part of Gomer Pyle on
The Andy Griffith Show.

Chatter | 5

Theres safety
in numbers.

(The number 2 to be exact.)

We all experience
challenges in life,
times when we
could benefit from
the support of a
caring Christian.

Stephen Ministry at IBC provides one-to-one Christian care to individuals who are
experiencing difficulties such as loss of a loved one, divorce, terminal illness, depression,
infertility, loneliness and much more. A Stephen Minister is a carefully selected layperson with extensive training who will listen, pray, support and encourage you while you
are hurting. They will be there to meet faithfully with you for an hour a week to help you
navigate through this difficult season.
This is a confidential ministry. The identity of those receiving care and what takes place
in each relationship will remain private.
Contact: stephenministry@irvingbible.org.

S TEPH EN M I N I S TRY

Chatter | 6

Coffee seeds were first roasted

and brewed in Mocha, Yemen
during the 15th century.

Next Steps:

BEYOND BARRIERS
Chatter asked IBC pastors to weigh in on their next steps for the
coming year personally, spiritually, or ministry-wise. Heres Brent.

y next steps for 2015 are all about getting over suburban
barriers. Let me explain.

In 2000, my wife and I went to see the show Stomp in New

York City. It was at the 299-seat Orpheum Theater, a brick
building in lower Manhattans East Village. Our seats were
so close we could see the smiles and sweat of the cast members. It was loud and raucous from the get-go through the thundering standing
ovation at the shows end. It was a night I will always remember.

A few years later, we got some tickets to see the traveling cast as part of the show
in Dallas. It was in the 3,420-seat Music Hall at Fair Park. Our seats were in the
second balcony, and we had to watch video screens on the sides of the stage to see
what was happening. Throughout the production, there was occasional crowd
response with polite applause at the shows end. It was fun, but that night stands
out only because of the contrast between it and my night in New York.
The Dallas show had barriers that worked against it. The worst seat in the house in
NYC was better than 90% of the seats in Dallas. The NYC show didnt use amplified sound while the show in Dallas demanded it. The video screens in Dallas made
you feel like you were more or less watching TV
while the show in the Big Apple felt more live.
Even the difference between having to pay $15 to
park instead of being able to take public transportation created a kind of aesthetic barrier.
In my recent reading about mission (an occupational hazard of sorts), I kept coming across the
first commandment: Love the Lord your God
with all your heart and with all your soul and all
your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And, the second is like it, You shall
love your neighbor as yourself. If you arent
familiar, that is Jesus quoting Deuteronomy.
Love God.

Easy enough, right? Love God (well, lets give that the ol college try, at least). Love
my neighbor. Since my wife Tracy and I have recently moved into a new neighborhood, this second command has given us a good incentive to get to know our
neighbors and experience true community where we live.
But weve run into barriers that keep us from experiencing this fully. Some were
unintentionally placed there by architects things like garages on the front of
houses so you know the color of your neighbors car but not the color of his eyes. Or
6-foot privacy fences where you hear your neighbor but dont ever see her.
Some were put there by the current cultural climate (and in some cases, the actual
Texas climate in summer which keeps everybody inside). Barriers like everybody
working until 6 p.m. and being so tired they just want to veg out and binge-watch
something. Or having kids involved in fun extracurricular activities that keep
everybody out and about rather than in the neighborhood.
But I put barriers there, too. Like doing what I want to do watching the hockey
game alone instead of inviting over a neighbor or two. Or even personal insecurities like whether or not theyll like me.
So, MY next step this year is to overcome the
barriers that are there, no matter how they got
there, In order to move the New York version
of abundant living into my suburban context. I
no longer want to allow my surroundings and
insecurities to rob me of a better life with God
and people.
Brent McKinney couldnt be bothered to write a
little blurb because hes too busy recommending
The Art of Neighboring and/or God Next Door
and trying to apply their principles.
Brent is IBCs Mission pastor. He blogs regularly at mckinneydiner.wordpress.com.

Love your neighbor.

These are the first two commandments.
The FIRST TWO.

The East Village was originally a farm

owned by Dutch Governor-General
Wouter van Twiller.

The record high temperature for Dallas, TX is 112.

It occoured on back-to-back days in late June 1980.
No doubt, JR was sweating in that Stetson.

Chatter | 7

Food Matters
Food matters because its one of the things that forces us to live in
this world this tactile, physical, messy, and beautiful world
no matter how hard we try to escape into our minds and our ideals.
Food is a reminder of our humanity, our fragility, our createdness.
- Shauna Niequist

am a re-reader of books. I love to come back over and over again to well
worn volumes and read familiar words. I still do this today, especially with
Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist, which I am re-reading for the second
(or maybe third) time. Shaunas three books (her fourth, Savour, will be
released this spring) are about food and life and the beauty and heartbreak of
each. Her words remind me all over again why food is important and why community is important and why the table brings those two things together. Her
words are also chipping away at some places in my head and heart that need
reminders of why we are created with hunger and a need for daily sustenance.
From my youngest years, I can remember loving to cook and bake. My mom
would put me on a step stool, hand me a spoon and give me a task. I loved
mixing, stirring, seeing words on pages come together into something warm
and delicious. In high school, I attended classes at a local culinary school, had
my own baking business, and cooked for my family on a regular basis. When
I tuned 16, my parents gave me their debit card and let me do some of the
grocery shopping. I loved finding food and creating something for dinner from
start to finish.Today, I cook as a side business, but also as a form of therapy.
I find stress relief in making a loaf of bread. I see the creativity of God in the
vegetables I buy for a pot of soup.

But, I also have an internal fight going on with food that started when I was
about 11. I struggle with how my body looks and how nothing I seem to do
shifts it. Over the past few years, I have made some significant changes to my
diet. I stopped eating most fast food (I still need an occasional Chick-fil-A fix),
stopped eating most processed foods, stopped drinking cokes (oh, I miss you
Dr. Pepper!). I have tried to cut out things I cant pronounce, or that have a million ingredients. Going for fresh, simple, more veggies and fruit, less carbs and
sugar. But, my body hasnt really changed. My weight is the same that it was a
few years ago. My skin and hair are healthier. My eyes are brighter; I feel better.
All good things. But I struggle with this voice in my head that says everyone is
judging me based on weight. That people must assume I eat junk all the time
because I am not a size 4. Its a battle to remind myself that I dont eat healthy
just to change the way I look, but to impact how I feel. Its more about doing
whats right in the world, such as not supporting harmful food practices. Its
about living in a healthy way. But, that nagging voice is still there.

Chatter | 8

Re-reading Shaunas words brought some joy back to food reminders of why
I love cooking, baking, and eating with people. Why gathering around the table
with people is important.
Shauna sums it up perfectly:
We dont come to the table to fight or to defend. We dont come to prove or to
conquer, to draw lines in the sand or to stir up trouble. We come to the table
because our hunger brings us there. We come with a need, with fragility,
with an admission of our humanity. The table is the great equalizer, the level
playing field many of us have been looking everywhere for. The table is the
place where the doing stops, the trying stops, the masks are removed, and we
allow ourselves to be nourished, like children. We allow someone else to meet
our need. In a world that prides people on not having needs, on going longer
and faster, on going without, on powering through, the table is a place of
safety and rest and humanity, where we are allowed to be as fragile
as we feel.
So let us take off the masks. Lets allow other people to speak truth over us. To
nourish us with words of love and acceptance. Lets enjoy healthy food and
healthy community without guilt or pretense. Lets love each other well in our
fragility. I pray this over my table. I pray when I eat and when I gather with others that we find this kind of safety with each other. Thank you Shauna for such
life giving words, for reminding me of the beauty and the joy that can be found
at the table.
Victoria Andrews disgusts her roommates and friends by home-brewing kombucha in her pantry.
Victoria is the IBC Communications Assistant and resident Baker of All Things Bright and Beautiful.

The fear of wine is called

oenophobia.

Needing some fresh, family-friendly recipes to spruce up

your weekly menu? Check these out from fellow IBCers.

Southwestern Quinoa Sliders

with Avocado Cream Sauce

Submitted by: Karrie Cox, Connections Assistant at IBC.

Karrie says, I have made these several times for parties and everybody loves
them! They are also super easy, especially if you bake them in the oven.

Ingredients:
2 cups cooked quinoa (cook
according to package directions)
/4 cup grated Parmesan
1

1/4 cup panko (or any kind of bread

crumbs)

2 large eggs
1/2 cup whole kernel corn
1/2 cup canned black beans,
drained and rinsed

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

Kosher salt and freshly ground

black pepper, to taste

1 teaspoon cumin

Olive oil

1 teaspoon garlic powder

12 split slider buns, toasted, for

serving (we love them on
Hawaiian Rolls)

1/2 teaspoon chili powder

12 tablespoons pureed chipotle
peppers, in adobo sauce
1 tablespoon freshly squeezed
lime juice
For the avocado cream sauce:
1 avocado, halved, seeded
and peeled
2 cloves garlic

2 cups arugula, for serving

2 Roma tomatoes, thinly sliced,
for serving

1/4 cup fresh cilantro leaves

Kosher salt and freshly ground
black pepper, to taste

1/3 cup Greek yogurt

Instructions:
To make the avocado cream sauce, combine avocado, garlic, Greek yogurt,
cilantro, salt and pepper, to taste, in the bowl of a food processor; set aside.

Slow Cooker Chicken

Tortilla Soup

Submitted by: Denon Stacy.

Denon is a clinical dietitian (MS, RD,
CSP, LD) who works at a local
pediatric hospital.
Ingredients:
1 pound chicken breast

Healthy Banana
Chocolate Chip Muffins
(gluten-free)
Submitted by: Victoria Andrews.
Victorias baking business Bake Me
Home Tonight, features pies and
cakes. (Editors note: they have no
competition, anywhere, any time.)

2 cans 98% fat free cream of

chicken soup

Ingredients:
3 ripe bananas, mashed

1 cup salsa

1 cup unsweetened almond milk

(you can substitute sweetened, or
regular milk)

1 cup frozen corn

1 (15 oz) can black beans (rinsed
and drained)
1/2 cup water
1 teaspoon cilantro, chopped
Kosher salt
Black pepper
Instructions:
Combine all ingredients (except
cilantro, salt and pepper) in slow
cooker on low for 3 1/2 4 hours or
until chicken is cooked through (165
F). Shred chicken. Add cilantro. Add
salt and pepper to taste. Serve with
light sour cream, 2% (reduced fat)
shredded cheese, avocado, and baked
tortilla chips.

2 eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
3 cups gluten-free rolled oats
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips
Instructions:
Preheat oven to 375F degrees. Place
liners in a regular-sized muffin tin
and then spray liners with non-stick
cooking spray (coconut oil spray
is my favorite for baking). Mix the
bananas, almond milk, and eggs together. In a separate bowl, combine
the baking powder, oats, and chocolate chips. Add the dry ingredients
to the banana mixture and combine
well. Spoon into the muffin cups, filling them about 3/4 of the way full.
Bake for 20 minutes, or until the
edges become slightly brown, and
the middles are no longer gooey. (A
knife/toothpick wont come out
completely clean on these.) Let cool
and enjoy. These make a great breakfast on the go, or a healthy sweet
snack in the afternoons.

In a large bowl, combine quinoa, Parmesan, panko, flour, cumin, garlic powder,
chili powder, chipotle peppers, lime juice, eggs, corn, beans, salt and pepper, to
taste. Divide the mixture into 12 balls; press each lightly to form 1/4 inch thick
patties. Heat olive oil in a large skillet over medium high heat. Add patties to
the skillet and cook until browned and cooked through, about 34 minutes per
side, flipping only once. You can also put the formed patties on a cookie sheet
and bake in an oven at 350F for 20-25 min.
Serve quinoa patties on rolls with arugula, tomatoes and avocado cream sauce.
The Chick-Fil-A chicken recipe has
stayed the same for over 50 years.
Sew awesumm.

Chatter | 9

A Choir-side Chat
The IBC choir is a diverse bunch of people professional
musicians, hobby singers, community-seekers. The thing
they all have in common? They love it. A lot. Meet Bob,
Vennecia, and Carisa.

BOB GOODING

By day: CPA for Salem Communications

My story, in a nutshell: Donna and I

joined IBC on Sunday, January 1, 2006. In
March 2006, I was sitting in the Worship
Center when the IBC Choir sang O the
Blood. Until then I had no idea IBC even
HAD a choir. I decided that any group that
could sing that well and with that much passion, I wanted to be involved in. On April 1, I
joined. Ive been with them ever since.
Why does creating music bond people together so well?
Any time people work together on a common goal, they form dependence
and trust; and music has the advantage of having both short-term and longterm goals. Bonds form quickly as everyone hears those first chords, and they
become stronger as the group learns the entire song, then the entire cantata,
opera or show.
And bonds strengthen not just during the effort to learn the music and do it
well, but as people work together to become better musicians. The harder they
work at their craft, the more confident they are, and the prouder they become
of their accomplishments. And the tighter the bond with whom they share a
common foxhole.

VENNECIA JACKSON

By day: Developmental Pediatrician at Texas

Scottish Rite Hospital

My story, in a nutshell: After serving with

various ministries during the unfortunate
closure of my two previous churches, I experienced a season of icy reticence about who I was
in the body of Christ.Long story short when
the fall 2008 ministry invitations were offered
during the IBC worship service, Rachel Cannon convincingly shared the call from the IBC choir.I showed up the next
Wednesday night expecting to be a misfit.Instead I found acceptance, excellence, challenge, praise, and worship with broken folks just like me.
I was home.
What goes through your head on Sunday morning when youre on
your risers looking out at the IBC family?
Thats easy prayer. Prayer for seed planting and harvest, for comfort and
healing, for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. I pray one by one and name by
name. There are occasions when I find my heart aching for that one person
I see out in the crowd, and I dont know his or her name and certainly not the
details of his or her life. But I do know Im bound to connect with them, if
only for a moment, in a transcendent place where Jesus offers hope.

Chatter | 10

CARISA NIEMEYER

By day: Middle School Choir Director in

Richardson ISD

My story, in a nutshell: I have been attending IBC for about 5 years and have been part of
the IBC choir for 4 of them. When I first came
to IBC, I was living over half an hour away and
was a come-in-last-minute, sit in the balcony,
and leave-right-after-the-service-ended IBCer.
It wasnt long until God put the call in my heart
to get plugged in more and create a home at IBC. Ive often said that if people
knew what type of community they were missing at choir, the risers would
be overflowing!
Is music the primary way you worship personally?
Yes. Music is absolutely my most passionate form of worship. Im actually a
music teacher so Im constantly immersed in music. For me spiritually, music
has a way of calming my heart while stirring my soul, whether I am listening or
performing. Jason and Crystal Elwell (IBC worship pastors) are so prayerful,
missional, and purposeful about the music they put before the people of IBC,
that I am inspired by them to seek out music that speaks to me and facilitates
a greater connection to God. Im so grateful for the beautiful hearts with which
they lead the choir and IBC.
OK, last question for all three of you. If you could describe the IBC
choir in one word, it would be
Bob: Joyful
Vennecia: Transformational
Carisa: Family

The IBC choir is always looking for new members. You dont
have to have a lot of experience, and no auditions are required.
Get in touch with Crystal at celwell@irvingbible.org.

Your heartbeat changes to

match the rhythm of the music
youre listening to.

EASTER PATH

A free, multi-sensory journey through the Easter story.

Designed for all ages.

GET EGGCITED.

Its that time of year again.

tuesday, March 31: 129 p.m.

wednesdayfriday, April 13: 9 a.m. 9 p.m.
saturday, April 4: 9 a.m. 11:30 a.m.
Experience the life-changing story of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus in an accessible,
unforgettable way. Through ten multi-sensory stations, you will follow the story of the last days of
Jesus and experience the true meaning of Easter
our risen Saviors victory over death!

IBC EASTER EGGSPERIENCE

Saturday, April 4, 9 a.m. 12 p.m.

A free family-friendly Easter celebration!

Bounce houses, petting zoos, carnival games, egg hunt and more! The
Eggsperience is open to everyone, however it is designed for families who
have children 2nd grade and below. The event is free, but please bring 12
plastic candy filled eggs per child for the egg hunt.

Volunteers needed for set-up (Sunday, April 29)

and breakdown (Saturday, April 4).
Contact Melody at mparlett@irvingbible.org for more info
or to volunteer.

Contact Melody, mparlett@irvingbible.org for more info or to volunteer.

EASTER WEEK AT IBC

At a Glance

TUESDAY
march 31
Easter Path open, 129 p.m.
WEDNESDAY
april 1
Easter Path open, 9 a.m.9 p.m.
MAUNDY THURSDAY
april 2
Service at 7 p.m. in the
IBC Commons

GOOD FRIDAY
april 3
Service at 7 p.m. in the
Worship Center

HOLY SATURDAY
april 4
The Chapel open for prayer,
8 a.m.5 p.m.

EASTER SUNDAY
april 5
Worship services at 8 a.m.,
9:30 a.m., 11:15 a.m.; 5 p.m.

KidZone available for newborns

through 3-year-olds by
online reservation.

Easter Eggsperience,
open 9 a.m.12 p.m.

Regular Children's Ministry for

newborns through 5th grade available
at all four services.

Easter Path open, 9 a.m.9 p.m.

Easter Path,
open 9 a.m.11:30 a.m.
No KidZone available.

KidZone available for newborns

through 3-year-olds by
online reservation.

If you are an IBCer, the Children's

Ministry would ask that you consider
serving with your family for the 8 a.m.
or 9:30 a.m. service.
Please email children@irvingbible.org
for more information.

Easter Path open, 9 a.m.9 p.m

The early Mesopotamian Christians first

adapted decorated eggs for Easter; they painted
them red in honor of Christs crucifixion.

Chatter | 11

My name is Nora Brooks Lopez, and I would

love to share how I went from being a social alcoholic bar fly to a cheery
toddler helper at IBC. God really does have a sense of humor. I thank him
for second chances, and grace.

NEXT-STEP NORA Shes had an amazing journey of growth the past

few years, and Nora Brooks Lopez isnt stopping there. Her life is proof
theres always more to learn and more to become with Jesus.

From the time I was in high school, Ive waited tables. And I have waited on
members and staff of IBC since 06. They would tell me countless stories
from church and plead for me to come to IBC. Pastor Andy was a regular of
mine, and I never knew that this funny, Irish guy was actually the head pastor at a church because he was always so nice to me and never brought it
up. What they didnt know, and what no one else knew at the time, was that
I had been struggling with social alcoholism for almost 15
years. I could not go out in public without finding a bar and
getting a drink. It is something many in the restaurant industry fall into, especially bar tenders. It was easily hidden.
After two years of consistently waiting on IBCers and IBC
staff, Trey and Alice Grant (Trey was IBCs Middle School
Pastor) finally convinced me that IBC was a great place
to be even if you are not a Christian or religious. Which
I was not.I am not from a Christian home. I am from the
wrong side of the tracks,a broken home that was anything
but nurturing and God-centered. But wow, were they right
about IBC! It took one visit for me to say, I surrender. My
life changed at the end of that service. It was the point after
the message when the pastor invites those who havent yet
accepted Jesus to consider it. That short prompt did it for
me. That was April 18, 2010 two weeks after Easter.
The next week, I came back and sat with some of my regulars I had waited on frequently, Rhonda and John Girgis.
They pointed me in the right direction. They helped get me
into community and answered my questions. They were
there for me when I got married, had a child, and began
studying the Word. They helped connect me to the Bible
Community class called Legacy Builders. And it was in Legacy Builders where my life really started to change. I would
go to that class on Sundays instead of going to out to the bar.
A new habit began to form. That class eventually led me to
Womens Bible Study, where I began sharing my struggle
with the women around my table. This was huge because I
hadnt even told my father about my alcohol problem, and
he is an AA counselor. These days, Ive found that my desire
to drink has been totally replaced by a desire to study Gods
word and be with his people. Which has led me to a place
where I can serve and give back the 5 p.m. toddler class at
IBC. What a journey!
My next steps right now are about reading and studying
Gods word more and more. I have found the more I read and
study, the more I want to read and study! For some reason,
God is allowing me a lot of space for it recently. The other
way my family is growing is in learning to trust God with
our finances. Even though we are living on very little money,
God has been leading our family to give; and even though we
dont think we will have enough, he has given us back more
than we need. He has also been pushing me to share my
story, and I am always amazed at the result when I do.
The past few years have been amazing, crazy, heart-wrenching, and alive. Im so grateful that God helps us take the next
steps he wants for us, and uses his Church to do it.

Chatter | 12

The oldest restaurant in the United States

is the Union Oyster House in Boston. It has
been serving since 1826.

selfless selfless
devotion devotion
to rock to God

PERHAPS WE GOT THOSE TWO MIXED UP. Is it possible to be both a skilled musician AND a passionate worshiper of God? If youve been looking for a way to use your musical talents and experience
to serve, nows the time to start. The IBC Band is recruiting guitar, bass, keyboard, drums, and other
instruments and vocalists. Contact jelwell@irvingbible.org today.

Chatter | 13

U PC O MI N G

March

April

MARCH 1

MARCH 18

APRIL 4

Baptism Orientation
12:30 p.m. West C

Financial Peace University

Easter Eggsperience 9 a.m.12 p.m.

See ad, pg. 16.

See ad, pg. 17.

Student Beach Camp

Registration Opens

MARCH 19

APRIL 5

See ad, pg. 16.

Square One 10 a.m.

Easter Sunday Services

Group for first-time moms with babies 6-months old

See ad, pg. 11.

Register for the next Baptism on Easter Sunday at

irvingbible.org/baptism.

or younger. More info at irvingbible.org/women.

MARCH 8
Empowered to Connect Book Study

MARCH 22

Join us for a study of the book No Drama Discipline. Contact rnorth@irvingbible.org.

APRIL 10
WINGS Luncheon

Innovative Mission Lunch

12:30 p.m. The Alcove

New Friends New Lifes annual fundraiser, featuring

See ad, this page.

bible.org for more info.

MARCH 27-29

APRIL 14

Womens Oasis Retreat

Freedom with Eating Small Group

See ad, pg. 17.

See ad, pg. 16.

Kevin Costner. Contact Tricia at tkinsman@irving-

MARCH 14
Writers Workshop 10 a.m.
Join a community of people honing their writing skills.
Contact Donna at doreilly@irvingbible.org.

MARCH 15
Fostering Hope Support Group
Contact rnorth@irvingbible.org for more info.

MARCH 31
Easter Path Begins
See ad, pg. 11.

BOXED IN?

GET CREATIVE.

I N N OVAT I V E
SUNDAY, MARCH 22, 12:302 P.M. IN THE ALCOVE
Join us for our next Mission Lunch where Mission
at IBC will be highlighting stories of individuals who
are using the talents and professions to creatively
serve our brothers and sisters across the world.
If you have questions, or to RSVP, contact Shannon
at smiller@irvingbible.org.

Chatter | 14
2

ON G OI N G

BIBLE COMMUNITIES
Groups on Sunday

Synergy
9 a.m. The Alcove
Multi-generational
The Tree
9 a.m. West D
20s & 30s, married & young families
Crossroads
10:45 a.m. West C
Couples & Families late 20s to 40s
Journey
10:45 a.m. The Alcove
All Welcome
On Track
10:45 a.m. Conference Room
Single Parents
Thrive
10:45 a.m. West D
Singles in their 30s & 40s
Renew
10:45 a.m. Training Center
All Welcome
Legacy Builders
6:45 p.m. West A All Welcome

CHILDREN

Family Grace Group

Monday nights, 6:30 p.m. West A
For families/caregivers of those with
mental illness. Contact Buzz Moody
at myrabuzz@gmail.com.
NAMI Family-to-Family Class
Mondays, 6:30-9:30 p.m.
West C/D
Contact Joey at joey@netbreezeinc.
com or Debra at eumoore@yahoo.com.
Stephen Ministry at IBC
One-on-one ministry for hurting
people. Contact stephenministry@
irvingbible.org or call (972) 560-4636.
Spousal Abuse Recovery
Contact kyeichner@irvingbible.org.
GriefShare Thursdays
Join a caring group of people to walk
alongside you through one of lifes
most difficult experiences. Contact
Sharon at shararrington@verizon.net.

Growing Together
Marriage at IBC
Currently in session. Contact
bmassey@irvingbible.org.

Pre-Marriage Mentoring
Visit irvingbible.org/marriage.

Infants Through 5th Grade

MEN

MyZone
Wednesdays, 6:308:15 p.m.
The Zone
Activities, friends, conversations,
and slime. No registration required.

First Watch
Fridays, 6:22 a.m. The Commons
Contact Nat at npugh@irvingbible.org.

FAITH & BELIEF

Events and Resources

Baptism
Baptism class will be March 1.
Baptisms will be Easter Sunday.
irvingbible.org/baptism

Community and Resources

First Watch Replay

Tuesdays, 6:30 p.m.
Training Center
Contact brianarrington1@yahoo.com.
First Watch Xtra
Wednesday, 6:30 a.m.
Training Center
Contact bcope@huntoil.com.

Visit irvingbible.org/men.

HOPE & HEALING

MISSION

Abortion Recovery Counseling

Contact Kym at (972) 560-4632 or
kyeichner@irvingbible.org.

Prayer Meeting
2nd and 4th Wednesdays
6:45-8 p.m. The Chapel

Recovery at IBC
Thursdays, 6:308:30 p.m.
West Wing Youth Lounge
A group for hurts, habits, and
hangups. irvingbible.org/recovery.

Laundry Love
First Saturday of the month
9 a.m.12 p.m.
Contact laundrylove@irvingbible.org.

Community Care

Shelter from the Storm

Sexual abuse support group. shelterfromthestormibc@gmail.com or
(214) 725-0898
The Living Grace Group
Monday nights, 6:30 p.m.
West B, bi-weekly.
For those with mental illness. Contact
Heath at heathmurry@yahoo.com.

Community and Resources

Sit with us on Sunday!

9 a.m. service, lowest right-hand
section, Rows 5 & 6, facing the stage.
Visit irvingbible.org/singleparents.

Local and Global

YOUNG ADULTS

Events and Resources

The Gathering Thursdays, 7 p.m.

Join other young adults for a time
of teaching and community. More
info at irvingbible.org/youngadults.

SUNDAY
COMMUNITY
MEALS

SPECIAL NEEDS

6 p.m. Town Square

Community & Care

Meals are $3 per person or $10

max./family.

Small Group for Moms

Sundays, 10:45 a.m.12 p.m.

3/1

Pizza, breadsticks,
salad bar

In His Image Bible Study

Sundays, 6:307:45 p.m

3/8

Fajita madness, salad bar

3/15

Burgers and brats,

salad bar

3/22

Giant baked potatoes

with all the fixins, salad bar

3/29

Chicken tenders, mashed

potatoes, salad bar

Small Group for Parents

Wednesdays, 6:308:15 p.m.
SonShine Pals and Room
Care during Sunday ministry.

Contact specialneeds@irvingbible.org.

MARRIAGE

MEALS

SINGLE PARENT

STUDENTS

Middle/High School and College

Middle School Sundays

Life on Life Sundays
10:30 a.m.12:20 p.m.
Student Ministries area
High School Sundays
Life Groups Sundays, 6:458 p.m.
Student Ministries area
IBC College Ministry
Sundays, 3:30 p.m.
The Commons Annex
Contact college@irvingbible.org.

2435 KINWEST

Wednesday Nights at IBC

IBC Choir
Wednesdays, 78:30 p.m.
IBC Worship Center
Contact Crystal at celwell@irvingbible.org.
Next Gen Choir
Contact Crystal at celwell@irvingbible.org for more info.

If youd like to serve on a Sunday

night meal team, contact Pat
OReilly at (214) 289-6176 or sundaynightmeal@irvingbible.org.

WEDNESDAY
MIDWEEK MEALS
56:20 P.M.
Cost is $3/meal or $10 max./
family. PB&J sandwiches are
also available.
3/4

Enchiladas, tacos, chips,

salsa, home-baked
cookies. Hosted by Barbara Wittes team.

3/11

NO MEAL.
Happy Spring Break.

3/18

Baked potatoes with all

the fixins, salad, dessert.
Hosted by Lavern Howells team.

3/25

Lasagna, breadsticks,
salad, dessert. Hosted by
Mike Gwartneys team.

ESL: English as a Second Language

Wednesdays, 6:308:30 p.m.
AZ17, 18 and 19

Changes to the menu may be

made depending on food cost,
availability, and Bob Downeys
him.

FREE Citizenship Class

Wednesdays, 6:308 p.m.
IBC Conference Room

If youd like to serve on a Wednesday night meal team, please email

bdowney@irvingbible.org.

IBC Career Transition Ministry

Wednesdays, 6:308 p.m.

Visit 2435kinwest.org.

NEW ARRIVALS
IBC Family Births

Congratulations to these IBC families on the births of their babies:

Mike and Corinne Shipman and
their son Daniel Lee, born November 22 at 7 lbs, 13 oz, and 21 inches.
Clint and Allison Walker and their
daughter Payton Adele, born January 19 at 7 lbs, 8 oz, and 19.5 inches.

MIDDLE SCHOOL

JULY 913
GULF SHORES BEACH, AL

REGISTRATION
Early bird $390 (March 1April 19)
Regular $420 (April 20 July 5)

HIGH SCHOOL

JULY 13-17
GULF SHORES BEACH, AL

Join other middle school students for a week of

fun, friendships and time to grow in your relationship with God. This years theme is: Own It! Come
learn what it means to own your faith and learn
practical steps for walking with God every day.
Passionate, well-equipped high school students
will bring special worship music and large-group
teaching during the week.

Its almost time to taste the salty air and dig your
feet in the sand! Join guest speaker David McNeely
for an incredible week on the beach where youll
learn what it means to really own your faith, and get
practical tips for following God in day-to-day life.
REGISTRATION
Early bird $390 (March 1April 19)
Regular $420 (April 20 July 5)
*A $50 deposit is required.

REGISTER AT IRVINGBIBLE.ORG/STUDENTS

Keynote Speaker:
Annie F. Downs, author of Lets All Be Brave
Annie F. Downs is an author, blogger, and speaker based
in Nashville, Tennessee. Flawed but funny, she uses her
writing to highlight the everyday goodness of a real and
present God. Read more at anniefdowns.com and follow
her on Twitter @anniefdowns.
March 2729, 2015 camp copass, denton
Like a stream in the desert, an oasis can refresh your
mind, body and soul. Join other women for a weekend
like no other that will include lots of laughs, delicious
food, space to think and rest, and a breath of fresh air.

Cost:
Varies based on number of people per room.
(Includes 2 nights of lodging and 5 meals.)
Register:
For more information and to register,
visit irvingbible.org/women.
Registration closes on March 19 or earlier if full.
Questions?
Contact: Jennifer at jlewis@irvingbible.org
or (972) 560-4657.

What could the

people of God do for
the Kingdom if they
were completely
debt-free?

Want to care
for your Irving
neighbors in a
tangible way?
GREAT DAYS OF SERVICE is a faith-based
event put on by 56 community partners and
15 churches for homeowners in Irving who
need help with home repairs. IBC is jumping
in with hammers blazing.

WHAT COULD YOU DO?

Projects range from simple painting and yard

work, to specialties such as electrical work
and wood-working. There is even an opportunity to help with food preparation and
delivery of lunches to the work teams.
IBCs leader is Glen Rogers. If you are interested in volunteering for one day or all 4 days,
please contact Glen at glen.rogers@verizon.
net or (214) 566-3742.
Want to learn more about how to reach
others in innovative ways? Come to the IBC
Mission Lunch on March 22. See ad pg. 14.

Freedom
with
Eating

a small group

Do you turn to food to cope with life? Do you

feel powerless over the influence food has on
your thoughts? Do you feel good or bad about
yourself based on what you see in the mirror?

FINANCIAL PEACE UNIVERSITY (FPU) is a 9-week program that

empowers you to make the right money decisions and experience
a total money makeover. Led by Dave Ramsey, FPU takes the head
knowledge from his books and radio show and turns it into real action. The course has been a life-changing experience for over 350,000
families already. FPU is for everyone from the financially secure to
the financially distressed.
SCHEDULE: Class begins March 18,
6:30 p.m. in West C

REGISTRATION: Exclusively
online at irvingbible.org/fpu

COST: $89

INFORMATION: Contact
kyeichner@irvingbible.org with
questions. KidZone is available
with prior registration.

Facilitated by Jennifer Lewis, a Registered Dietition

Nutritionist, Freedom With Eating is a 6-week, biblicallybased small group that encourages and equips women
to find freedom through Christ from any kind of disordered eating patterns or body image issues.

When: Tuesdays, April 14- May 19 (6 weeks),

from 9:30-11:30 a.m. or 6:30-8:30 p.m.

Who: Women (space is limited to 15 people)

For more info and to register, visit irvingbible.org/women.
Questions? Contact: Jennifer at jlewis@irvingbible.org
or (972) 560-4657.

HOW DO I GIVE?
My Time, Talents & Skills

HOW DO I GET
CONNECTED AT IBC?

Childrens Ministry Leaders

Each Sunday, IBC helps about 800 kids grow in
Christ and connect in community. We are in need of
people of all ages to invest in the next generation
of nursery, preschool, and elementary kids. We have
opportunities for all skill sets. Contact Melody at
mparlett@irvingbible.org.

Were glad you asked. Here are the steps to take for
having your questions answered, figuring out the
IBC story, and, if youre feeling ready, plugging in.

Great Days of Service Coordinator

Each spring, a group of churches in Irving puts on
an event called Great Days of Service to help families with home repairs. IBC needs a leader for our
volunteers. Contact Tricia at tkinsman@irvingbible.
org.

Start

JOIN IN WORSHIP

Local Partner Board

Mission at IBC is currently looking for 4-5 people
that would be interested in serving on an advisory
board for Local Partners. This team would meet 3-5
times per year to evaluate partnerships alongside
our Mission Team. Contact Tricia at tkinsman@
irvingbible.org.

So you found the address, a place to park, and a breath

mint on the way in. Good work! If youre reading this,
youve probably already taken the first step attending a
worship service. This is the first and most important place
to start, so keep coming. Become a regular. Make sure to
fill out a Newcomer Card. Tell us a little about yourself and
let us know how we can engage with you. Somebody will
reach out to you this week. Visit irvingbible.org/connect.

Meal Team Volunteers

IBC makes meals available both Sunday and
Wednesday nights. These fun teams could use
some additional volunteers to serve together. For
Sundays, contact sundaynightmeal@irvingbible.org.
For Wednesdays, contact bdowney@irvingbible.
org.

CHECK OUT THE NEWCOMER GATHERING

Medical Professionals Needed

Our weekly medical clinic needs professional health
care providers (MD, PA, FNP) to provide treatment
for our patients. Volunteers serve on a rotating
basis and do not need to serve every week. Contact
Charles at cpierce@2435clinic.org.

So youre kicking the IBC tires? Good! Were so glad youre

here. The Newcomer Gathering is a great opportunity to
meet church leadership, learn what IBC is all about, and
connect with other newbies in a fun, relaxed environment.
Next Newcomer Gathering: April 16

Mentor Kids in Single-Parent Families

Men and women are needed for gender-specific
mentoring of children from single-parent families.
Contact Marsha at mtribbett@irvingbible.org.
Mercy House Liaisons
Do you have a heart for single, pregnant women?
Use your gifts and talents to support Mercy House,
our partner who empowers pregnant women with
hope, help, and a future. Contact Tricia at tkinsman@irvingbible.org.

SIGN UP FOR PROPEL

All right! Youre feeling the IBC vibe and want to see
where you might get involved. Propel is a 4-week class that
explores the IBC calling and culture, and how your unique
personality and passions fit in. Meet many of our pastors
and directors of ministries at IBC. Next Propel: April 26

JOIN A COMMUNITY

New Friends New Life

Serve dinner to women healing from exploitation in
the commercial sex industry every third Wednesday
Contact Christine at newfriendsnewlife@irvingbible.
org.
Senior Citizen Volunteers
Do you have a heart for senior citizens? MacArthur
Hills, a neighborhood senior living facility, is completed. Contact Tricia at tkinsman@irvingbible.org if
youd like to serve.

My Resources
Laundry Soap and Dryer Sheets
Laundry Love is collecting laundry soap and dryer
sheets for its monthly events in Irving. Please bring
these to the Laundry Love box in the donation area
by the Training Center. For more info visit llpirving.
org or contact info@llpirving.org.
Online Giving Option
If you would find it more convenient to donate to
the ministries of Irving Bible Church online, visit
irvingbible.org/give.

Youre firing on all cylinders but something is missing. And

that something is a someone, or a group of someones.
Enter sermon-based Small Groups, Womens Bible Study,
First Watch, and more. We encourage you to find a group
and connect authentically with others.
Visit irvingbible.org/adults.

FIND A PLACE TO SERVE

Youve come a long way since that first breath mint. Youve
been busy worshipping, learning, relating, and committing.
And its at this point that you might start looking around
at all the people who help create those events ushers,
greeters, meal team members, table hosts, small group
leaders, and the like. Your next step now is to join them!
Consider your passions, talents and spiritual gifts and then
ask about a place to serve. Visit irvingbible.org/serve.

FOR MORE INFO, VISIT IRVINGBIBLE.ORG/CONNECT OR LOOK

FOR THE NEWCOMER GUIDES AT THE INFORMATION DESK.

Chatter | 18

For classic Connect Four played

on a 6 high, 7 wide grid, there are
4,531,985,219,092 possible positions.

A POX OF
KARDASHIANS

his winter, few things have been hotter, Biblically speaking,

than the Exodus. Hotter than the Second Coming. Hotter than
driving your life purposefully. Hotter than C.S. Lewis at the New
Converts class. Hotter than naming your hipster-friendly side
service The Upper Room in 2002. Hotter than the water Ill be
in with the editor if I dont knock it off.

This current enthusiasm for all things Exodus can be traced to the 1956 Technicolor explosion known as The Ten Commandments, proving that things
really do take a while to migrate from the coasts to the middle of the country.
Also, I hear there was some sort of fan-produced quasi-remake out recently
starring that guy from Newsies. Double also, pastors across the land have
been crafting multi-month sermon series around the book possibly to avoid
having to preach about the prodigal son one more time, and possibly to tell really bad parting of the red hair jokes about unsuspecting ginger deacons.
Of course, one couldnt have had the Exodus and all of its sand-chafing glory
without the events that led up to Pharaoh telling the Israelites, Land o Goshen, get outta Goshen! Thats an exact quote, by the way. Today, these events
are known as The Ten Plagues. They were also known as The Ten Plagues
back in Mosess time, too, only without the quotation marks because they
didnt have irony. These plagues were inflicted by the Lord, not willy nilly, but
with great specificity as to their intended meanings and effects. None of which
was to make it take 3,500 years for CGI nerds to give us a decent set of flying
frogs. That was just an unintended consequence, like that kid whos eight years
younger than his siblings.

tians like stink on Sharpie while leaving the Israelites alone. Today, God would
simply unleash upon the heathen a horde of telemarketers while making the
Do Not Call list actually work for the faithful.
DEATH OF LIVESTOCK A giant noogie to the cow gods Hathor and (once
again) Apis, todays equivalent would be the simultaneous immolation of all
the worlds barbecue joints. Even the ones in Dallas that couldnt manage a
decent sauce to save their souls. Why yes, I am a Kansas City native. Why do
you ask?
BOILS The Egyptian gods of health (Sekhmet, Sunu and Isis) were no match
for Heavens Boils. Probably because said gods didnt really exist. In the 21st
century, however, we have Drs. Oz and Chopra, who most assuredly do exist.
The justice of the Lord? Eczema in the shape of The Oprah. And there aint
enough Cortizone-10 in the world to soothe that irritation, girlfriend.
HAIL & LOCUSTS Giving an almighty swirly to the sky goddess Nut, storm
god Set and crop god Osiris, the hail that pummeled the Egyptians and destroyed most of their food supply was at least 20% nastier than anything ever
seen in Coppell. Then Plague No. 8 followed with giant swarms of locusts to
eat the crops the hail missed. If this all sounds like a typical spring evening in
west Texas, then you understand why this plague needs updating.
DARKNESS Lights out for the sun god Ra, from whom Pharaoh was said to
be descended. To snap the current culture back in line, the Lord would cause
every smartphone, tablet, TV and other screen to instantly and simultaneously
shut down. Returning the planet to a state in which an ancient force, long
though extinct, re-emerges to seize the communications void. Yes, I speak the
name that should no longer be spoken: BlackBerry.

Being specific to their time and place, The Ten Plagues would not work so well
today. An outbreak of boils would be quite the nuisance, but it would also make
Nancy Grace as giddy as anyone possibly could be about a boil outbreak. So
thats no good. No, if the great I Am were to rain down his judgment upon the
Pharaohs of today (Jay-Z and Beyonce), He would need to adapt. Or perhaps,
to stay modern, outsource the adaptation. You see where this going.

KILLING THE FIRST BORN Yeah. Were just going to let this one slide as
its not exactly fertile ground for mining comedy gold, sweet mixing of metaphors notwithstanding.

TURNING THE NILE TO BLOOD As a judgment against Apis, Isis and

Khnum (the god, goddess and guardian of the Nile, respectively), God turned
the waters of the Nile into blood. Something even the Egyptians ancient Brita
filters were unable to counter. Today, in judgment of the modern god YOLO,
Yahweh would instead turn all the Red Bull into water. Whoa. Extreme.

As you can see, the standards for modern plagues arent quite as violent, destructive or scab-inducing as those in Egypt. Thats because we are a doughy
people, soft of both gut and spine, and we would collapse in a collective heap
if God ever let loose a plague of data overages or possibly one last Kardashian
sister. Yahweh help us all.

FROGS Representative of the frog-headed birth goddess Heqet, frogs were

considered sacred and not to be killed (or licked). Which constitutes a problem when they rain down like slimy cats and dogs upon the land. The modern
equivalent: Every audio device plays The Rainbow Connection on an endless
loop. Did I mention it would be the Muzak version?

Jason Fox has endured the lifelong plague of pastiness with good humor and
even better bronzer.
Jason writes from Omaha, Nebraska, because the backside of the desert is too far away.

LICE A finger of God in the eye of Set, god of the desert (no idea why), lice are
almost as nasty as our grade school nurse, Ms. Scabato, made them out to be.
Contemporary judgment would go against our god of discount vanity, Vidal
Sassoon, with all the shampoos in the land being converted to Nix. Ahhh, the
smell of it.
FLIES The Egyptians had two gods, Re and Uatchit, who were represented by
flies. Because, umm, you got me. During this plague, flies clung to the EgypIn 1957, The Ten Commandments was
nominated for seven Academy Awards, including Best Let My People Go, Yul Brynner.

Kim Kardashian was once Paris

Hiltons personal assistant. In other
news, Jesus loves them too.

Chatter | 19

Chatter pays a visit to Masada on the

eastern edge of the Judaean Desert
in Israel with his handlers Charlie Dyer,
Kandy and Wayne Lamb.

Chatteryou CAN take it with you. Send us

your Chatter photos on location, and you may
see yourself in an upcoming issue. Email us
at chatter@irvingbible.org.