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Unpredictability thy name is women!

By Naeem

Let me start this article with a disclaimer: Notwithstanding anything in this


article, I am a self-avowed and an ardent feminist. Period.
This disclaimer is necessary, because I do not want to be lynched by either the
staff or the readers of the venerable Women’s Own! But nevertheless am penning
these words at a great risk to my life and limb. ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman
scorned’! By the way, at the risk of sounding like a male chauvinist * [MCP],
women are a delightful but a difficult specie to understand. Even the great
psychologist Sigmund Freud, when asked during the waning days of his life, that
what he thought about women, conceded defeat and replied that: ‘I don’t understand
women’. Poor Freud. And poor males.
Women add color, vitality and meaning to life, no doubt! And all this is enhanced
by their endearing unpredictability and deficit of logic. [I hope I have not gone
too far]. Some real-life examples will substantiate the validity of this
observation. A new-comer at my local jogging track should be excused for thinking
that he had come to a cat-wall instead at a jogging track. Majority of women, sans
serious health freaks, come adorned in a dress fit for a Buckingham Palace
reception with a make-up to match; by the way, the latter is the major reason for
our balance-of-trade deficit. Similar cases could be witnessed at political
rallies, milads and quls, where I have known on good gossip [not good authority!]
that some ladies join such functions straight after a perm job from a beauty
clinic. Am not objecting to the unalienable right of the women to look peachy on
all occasions, but there seems to be a certain dichotomy between the above somber
event and the urge to look like a fashion-plate.
Technology baffles womenfolk. There seems to be some manufacturing defect or maybe
their mental infrastructure is incompatible with the demands of modern technology.
This makes most women Luddites. The exception maybe men masquerading as females!
Once entering the office of a senior female manager I saw her trying to point a
remote control at the AC, and getting nada response. It was only when the remote
device chirped that she found out, it was her cell phone.
Talking of cell phones, they are meant to be with user at all times by definition.
But I have been aggravated a number of times when on dialing a cell of a lady and
getting a zilch response. Later, when asked, the lady [or ladies] in question
would make the excuse that: ‘I was in the kitchen and the cell was in the bedroom
upstairs’. When queried that why they can’t keep the cell with them in the
kitchen, the ingenuous response would inevitably be that:’ like you we don’t have
pockets in our dresses’. And what about the whole shelves and tops in the
kitchens? You get my earlier point about logic-deficit?
Now here is a gem about logic-deficit or rather the mother of all deficits. There
is this niece of mine [name withheld, due to security reasons, yes my security].
This young and talented lady was once baby-sitting a toddler, and during her
watch, the toddler needed to get a change of habiliment. The young lady stripped
the toddler and instead of putting the discarded garment in the washing machine,
put the toddler there! Luckily, before she could shut the machine’s panel, the
toddler gave a howl. I have no further comments.
We all know what fabulous driver women are; except that they do not subscribe to
the stipulated traffic rules and violate them with impunity.
And now before I run out of luck with my editor, let me dilate on the peculiar
meaning, which females attach to everyday expressions. This part is mainly for the
male readers. Fine is a commonplace word/ expression. This is the word women use
to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never
use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of
those arguments. Now juxtapose it with nothing. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman
has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will end with "Fine".
Go ahead (with raised eyebrows!). This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine". Go ahead (normal
eyebrows) means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "raised eyebrow go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and
"fine".