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Jack Blackstone was 31 years old. By his reckoning, he had been horny for 16 years. It wasn’t that he
had failed to have sex in the past 16 years. The problem was that sex failed to alleviate his horniness.
But that didn’t stop him from trying. So it was not unusual that he left his office late one afternoon
with the express purpose of feeding his libido.
In addition to being horny, Jack was one of those lawyers who was embarrassed by his profession. He
liked to tell people that the practice of law wasn’t his profession; it was just something he did to earn a
living. What he did not tell people was that pursuing women was his true profession. He pursued
women with more single-minded dedication than any lawyer ever pursued the law. He would let his
colleagues chase ambulances, Jack was more interested in chasing women. All kinds of women. Any
kind of woman. Of course he preferred tall, slim, beautiful women but if beautiful women were not
available (and they never were) he would settle for any type of woman. Fat women, ugly women,
married women, old women, stupid women, vulnerable women, defective women. If she had a vagina,
she was fair game for Jack.
Because it was December, the streets were crowded with Christmas shoppers. It was his least favourite
time of the year. Winter coats, Christmas parcels and time constraints all worked to conceal a woman’s
charms. Jack headed for Pandora’s Cup, his customary coffeeshop, where he hoped to find a weary
shopper letting down her guard. He knew what to look for. Jack believed that there were two kinds of
people in the world. Those people who were looking for something and those people who had found it.
People who had found it were never receptive to his advances.
Pandora’s was uncomfortably hot. Steam obscured every window and the heat forced everyone
entering the store to immediately shed his or her outer garments. The aroma of coffee mingled with the
smell of melting snow and damp overcoats. Jack scanned the room with a cup of decaf double double
in hand. As usual, most people seemed to have found what they were looking for, at least for the
duration of their stay at Pandora’s. People tend to travel in pairs and the majority of women drinking
coffee were actively engaged with their companion du jour. A few women were sitting by themselves.
But the expression on their faces and their body language let Jack know that they were alone without
being lonely.
After careful scrutiny of the prey being offered up before him, Jack found the day’s primary prospect.
She was a handsome woman, sitting by herself at a small table near the front of the store. She appeared
to be in her early sixties and carried herself with the grace and dignity of a woman who had once been
considered very beautiful. She was elegantly dressed and was surrounded by packages from some of
the city’s more exclusive stores. Her calm demeanor masked whatever emotions she might be
experiencing that day. But there was something in the way she looked out the foggy window, studying
the blurred images of the passing holiday shoppers, that made Jack think she was still looking for
something.
Jack took a deep breath and slipped into performance mode. “Hello, do you mind if I join you?” The
woman looked suspiciously at Jack. “Sometimes it’s nicer to drink coffee with a little company.” Jack
explained.
If she had had a little more street sense, she would have sent him away. But Jack’s business attire and
refined manner gave her a false sense of security. “Yes, please join me. A little company would be
nice.”
“Finished your Christmas shopping yet?”
Randy showed up at the apartment at two in the afternoon, still wearing his wedding dress, looking a
little worse for wear.
“Thanks to you, I had to spend the night with the most horrible pervert. Unzip me.
“What was his fetish?”
“I don’t even want to think about it. Do we have any more flea and tick powder?”
“Not again! Better check the medicine cabinet.”
After a hot shower, a long nap and a quick meal, Randy confronted Jack with his notebook in hand.
“Okay, what movie star does she most look like?”
“What makes you think that there’s a woman?” replied Jack innocently.
“Do we have to play this game every time? Why else would you abandon me in that den of
degenerates? Now, what movie star does she most look like?”
“A young Liza Minelli”
“Oooh, Daughter of Dorothy, I approve. How young, like in Cabaret?”
“No younger. What was that movie she made before Cabaret? She was nominated for best actress.”
“One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” suggested Randy
“Liza Minelli wasn’t in One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. That was a Jack Nicholson movie.”
“The Midwich Cuckoo.” Randy tried again
“That was a cheap horror flick, with kids with big eyes.”
“It was some kind of Cuckoo movie. I’m sure of it.”
“You’re some kind of Cuckoo. Just imagine her as a very young Liza.”
“So she looks like a boy?”
“Well, maybe a little,” Jack admitted
“Did you get any action?”
“Just a kiss.”