Single mothers by choice

tickle the culturally sensitve

By Jane Bukenya on July 15, 2014

THE SOCIAL IMPACT OF CHOICE SINGLE PARENTING IN

UGANDA
Becoming a single mother used to be considered taboo in many African societies. Many
women were forced to marry a man once the man made her pregnant, even when the
pregnancy was not out of choice. Even a man was expected to marry a woman once he
got her pregnant.
Fast forward to the 20th century and there are many single mothers as many men fail to
take on their parenting duties. But is the increasing number of children living with only
their mother a result of men neglecting their fatherly duties? While this may usually be
the reality, there are increasing cases of women who are choosing to be single parents,
a trend known as single mothers by choice.
WHERE DOES FATHERLESSNESS COME FROM
Childbearing by unmarried women is reported to be on the increase. The Federation
International De Abogadas (Fida), a woman right group based in Kampala, estimated
that over 1,000 single mothers report cases of child neglect by fathers and failure to
offer maintenance support every year. In 2009, about 1,600 women filed such reports,
according to Fida.
This situation is seeing more children are brought up in families without fathers. Fida
estimates that one out of every three Ugandan lady has a child not catered for by a
father.
Based in the many disappointment in relationships, some women are choosing to take
on the adventure of raising a child alone. This is also referred to as being a Choice
Mom.

Why chose to be a single mother?

Harriet Adongmalu,Social worker at Refuge and Hope International.

Harriet Adongmalu, a mentor and counselor says that the factors most commonly
related to the contemporary Ugandan situation include; the changing social and cultural
trends of single parent families, increased rates of divorce and non-marital childbearing.
The issue of feminism has increased employment opportunities for women and less for
men, coupled with the availability of welfare benefits that enable women to set up their
own households. She adds.
Mrs. Mbabazi Josephine, a marriage counselor at Mukono town Council also explains
some of the reasons that women consider to become single mothers in the video below.
Too often, the statistics seem to more accurately represent Single Mothers by
Chancethose who became unexpectedly pregnant or those who entered parenthood
with partners by their side, only to be left alone without much of a say at some point
down the line.
There has been concern that all Ugandan policies, Associations, Authorities and
Organizations both governmental and non-governmental ones dealing with women and
family issues basically focus on single parenthood by disaster.
Some people have been asking how is it that, as a society, we apparently havent
moved the needle much on perceptions of such single mothers, even though public
opinions were more accepting of the argument that a family with both parents is more
steadier than one with a single parent.
After visiting families in such as the above mentioned state, it is true that children with
currently one sole caretaker (single mum by choice) do exist.
UNDERSTANDING HOW UGANDAN SINGLE MUMS BY CHOICE COPE

While each single mother has traveled a different path to single motherhood, the
presence of many single mothers by choice, including those who swear never to marry
was startling.
It is no secret that in Uganda, many people still think of single mothers as disruptive and
outside the norm especially in the African tradition where a woman should never choose
a single life under any circumstances.
"Historically, single-parent families were the result of parental death. About one-four of
children born around the turn of the nineteenth century experienced the death of a
parent before they reached age fifteen says Ruth Nankya, a traditionalist in Makindye,
a Kampala suburb. But many women are finding reasons to disagree with Nankya.
Take Ssanyu Hadijah for instance, a 43-year-old business lady living in Mukono district.
She chose to be the only parent to her two children because she knew she was ready to
be a parent. She says she doesnt even think about the fact that she is a single
mother anymore. Its my only way. Besides being good at my job, the other thing I
would do it all over again is taking care of my children, Ssanyu says.
Then there is Fridah (last name withheld for privacy). She is a 35-year Makerere
graduate and a senior adviser in corporate affairs who is a Single Mother by Choice to
daughter Lavina, 4years old. While she had believed she found the love of her life years
before, it never quite worked out, and in her late 20 to early 30s.
She decided that she would rather pursue motherhood on her own than never at all.
Five weeks to Lavinas birth, Fridah was on her way back from a business trip when she
experienced complications with her pregnancy hence giving birth sooner than was
expected.
This means that Lavina was born premature and because of that was born premature,
after from complications due to preeclampsia. Because of that, she has developmental
delays.and requires more care than Fridah had initially planned for.
For Fridah, addressing those concerns is the biggest challenge of motherhood, but she
is quick to point out that the same would be true even if she had a partner. She told me
she sometimes catches herself saying, When I was single in reference to her
previous life, because, in her mind, she isnt single anymore. Shes part of a family of
two.
COMMON CHALLENGES OF CHOICE PARENTHOOD
Much as there is a choice attached to single parenting, choice mothers are not
exceptional to challenges.
According to research by MIFUMI, an international non-government womens rights
organisation based in Uganda, while having an involved father is psychologically ideal,
some women who have not found a suitable partner consider it more responsible to
have a child alone than to marry simply for the sake of having children.

Financially, most single by choice mothers want to have sufficient income, for this
matter they work very hard to ensure that they can afford taking care of their children
yet it would be simpler in cases of two parents.
Fridah says that much as she opted for sole parenthood, having a single parent
household can be difficult. some times i find it tiring balancing work with caring for my
little girl she says, adding that, the other challenge i face as being a one-income
household, there are limitations on what i can afford regarding luxuries that two-income
households may be able to accommodate.
However, she concludes that taking care of her daughter is what is most important to
her.
Choice single mum Ssanyu Hadija explains some of the challenges she faces;
She says that If youve made the choice to be a single parent by choice, be prepared to
develop a thick skin dont allow other people to tell you that youre doing it wrong. Its
your life, not theirs, she says.
Solving The Problem
Single mothers need to expand their community, find male role models for their children.
For such mothers, they need to schedule regular breaks from parenting, and build
robust support networks especially for their children, says psychologist Dr. Stephen
Mukasa.
Dr. Stephen further encourages choice single mums to rely on family and friends when
in need of a break. They shouldnt feel guilty about reaching out to friends, family or
sitters. Everyone should have time to themselves; single parents are no exception he
says.
Rachael Kisakye , a psychologist from Kampala says that many people believe that a
two-parent household is the preferable route for raising children. In this way, as a
single parent by choice, you need to spend a good deal of time defending your choice to
have a child without a partner, she advises.
SNICK PIC OF THE KIND OF CHILDREN BROUGHT UP BY SINGLE MOMS !
As the numbers of single mothers increase, it implies an increase in a certain number of
children they parent.
According to research findings by the University of Washingtons West Coast Poverty
Center, children brought by single parents face emotional effects including low selfesteem, increased anger and frustration and an increased risk for Poverty . Living in
poverty is stressful and can have many violent behavior.
Dr. Stephen Mukasa says that emotional effects of growing up in a single parent
household may include feelings of abandonment, sadness, loneliness and difficulty
socializing and connecting with others. He adds that effects vary from child to child,

however, the individual parenting style of the single parent is also a big influence on the
childs development.
Hahi Musa Ssenabulya, a father and cultural advocate gave his opinion on such
children.
Sarah Namuli, a mother and business woman says that such children have no
motivation for doing better or getting out of that situation. They are troubled, suffering
without a male in the house, un-cared for and hence they become a bad influence on
other children, she says.
Theyre brave but pitiable. Their families, and their lives, arent complete because they
dont have a daddy living under the same roof, says Robert Luyiga a father from
Kawempe.
THE STIGMA OF A SINGLE MOM.
I carried out a survey in which people were asked to give their opinion on choice single
mothers.S
More respondents nearly seven out of ten ranked single mothers as being bad for
society.
Its likely you need only to hit one or two buttons to trigger a negative reaction in people
who might be perfectly accepting of the single mothers they know personally while
disapproving of other mothers that fit their preconceived stereotypes.
Many people assume two parents are better than one, but that isnt true at all, says
Ruth Nagitta from Makindye. I have had people tell me that they are staying in
miserable marriages with spouses who cheat, drink, or do drugs just so their children
arent growing up in a single parent home.
As if having a single parent, even a wonderful single parent, is worse than living in a
home with parents who hate each other or where one parent is a true problem, says
Jenifer Nagitta, a teacher in Makindye.

Mugoye Crichton, a University graduate and entrepreneur says that such women should
have worked harder to keep their relationships or marriages together.

Theyre easy and slutty, They got pregnant with some random guy. Its their fault, he
says, adding that, Whatever they do, its never as good as what a married mom does.
Its their fault.
They go out partying anytime all the time. Theyre man-haters. Or man hunters, who
shouldnt be left alone with other peoples husbands, He says.
Ruth Nankabirwa of Nakulabye gives the conditions under which one is expected to
become a single mother, still not supporting the subject.
The results of the survey indicate that, more than a decade into a new millennium,
single motherhood is still a tender topic.
Defining Single Parents by Choice:
There are a number of reasons that a person may choose to have a child without a
partner. According to Single Mothers by Choice an American website, people who
choose to be single parents may include:
A single person who will start (or continue) to be the parent to a child without a partner
A single woman/man whose financial status is stable.
A person who has the emotional and fiscal ability to care for a child by him or herself.
Usually, single parents by choice are women who have dedicated their lives to their
careers and have reached a point in which she decides to have a child.
Most single parents by choice are in their thirties or forties.
- See more at: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/single-parenting-by-choiceresources/#sthash.v6mnTaIx.dpuf
parenting tips for single moms
This kind of single parenting is mostly common in the United States.According to the
Center for Disease Control National Vital Statistics Report, nearly four in 10 babies born

in the United States were born to single mothers. Of 4.3 million total births nationally,
1.7 million were to single mothers.
Story by Shamim K Nakalule and Jane Ndibarekera Bukenya