Milan & Kay Yerkovich

How We Love
A Relationship Workshop.

Presented by

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

www.howwelove.com

Milan & Kay Resources, Inc.

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

BIBLICAL UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

THAT BEAR UPON OUR RELATIONSHIPS
1. Marriage is special and sacred (Genesis 2):
Male and female are above the rest of creation in that they are made in the image and
likeness of God and were designed to complement one another. Aloneness is replaced
by relationship.
We are not one per se, rather we are individual persons glued together, who can enjoy
being one flesh (sexual union).
Marriage is the most sacred of all human institutions, in that God has joined man and
woman together. It is to be carefully guarded, preserved and nurtured. and should not to be
broken apart.
2. Marriage is threatened and actively opposed by our enemy Satan and Gods creation is now
tainted by sin which introduces stress into all relationships (Genesis 3-4, Romans 8):
There is a tension in life as a result of The Curse. This is true in regards to the general
stream of history as well as our current daily existence. .
There is a special tension or power struggle that God said would be present within the
marriage relationship (desire = control vs. rule = lead). We are swimming up stream.
3. Marriage is to have a structure that allows for growth, restoration and healing (Ephesians
5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3):
God instructs us to work through this power struggle by assuming specific roles within
the marriage relationship. The husband is the initiator / lover and the wife is the responder.
There is a tremendous emphasis and direction to the husband to aggressively love his wife
imitating the model of Christ loving the Church. He is to be the loving leader of the home,
taking initiative for the growth and well-being of himself, his wife and the children.
Ultimately, marriage is the place where healing takes place. We all sin and have been hurt
by the sin of others. Initially our response is often like Adam and Eves. We are afraid, so
we hide from God. We seek to cover the nakedness of our wrongdoing and blame others.
The chief end of marriage then is to so love and nurture (and to be loved and nurtured) that
we progress toward greater safety so we can be naked (transparent) and unafraid
(vulnerable) in the relationship spiritually, emotionally and physically.
4. Successful Christian marriage involves individual responsibility for growth and change. We
will each give an account of ourselves at the judgment seat of Christ (Gal.5:22, 6:7, II Cor.
5:9-10).
Christian growth is the key to improved relationships. God uses the family (marriage and
children as well as other relationships) as his main instruments of helping us grow. Within
families, we have the capacity to see our weaknesses and we cant hide from our spouses
and children so, we need to learn from them. We can accept or resist this. It is a tearing
down / exposing before the building up process can really begin.
As we each individually mature in Christ, Gods character qualities increasingly blossom
within each of our lives. We grow in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
gentleness, faithfulness and self-control! These qualities allow us to create the homes,
marriages and relationships that we truly desire.

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

CYCLE OF BONDING
Feelings

Trust

(0-1 year old)

Needs are
passionately
expressed.

Relief
(Response of Mother)

Thoughts & Feelings

Secure attachment
style
(1-6 years old)
Trust &
Respect

Needs are
appropriately
expressed &
full range of
emotions learned.

Relief
With limits and boundaries.
The child is taught to delay
gratification and acknowledge
the needs of others as well as
his / her own needs.

Thoughts & Feelings

Injured attachment
Styles.
(If cycle
is broken by
parental
dysfunction.)

Distrust, confusion
and lack of respect.

No relief...frustration.
Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Needs not expressed

or inappropriately
expressed with limited
emotions.

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

EFFECTS OF A SECURE IMPRINT CARRIED INTO ADULTHOOD

Beliefs and characteristics of the Secure Adult: Adults with a secure imprint believe relationships
provide safety, nurture, comfort and support. They are confident, well adjusted and able to take
risks. Because they are able to deeply bond with others spiritually, emotionally, and physically,
they easily give and receive comfort, love and care. They have an awareness of their own feelings
and needs as well as the feelings and needs of others. Good listening skills enable them to draw out
others. They are able to see and accept the good and bad in themselves and in others, not idealizing
or devaluing. Able to take initiative, and resourceful in meeting goals, they can also delay
gratification. They are capable of communicating a wide range of emotions in socially acceptable
ways. The ability to negotiate and compromise helps them resolve conflict, and while problems are
challenging, they are not overwhelming. Resourcefulness and creativity are evident in problem
solving. They can easily say No!, and are able to set limits to protect themselves from
destructive, unhealthy, requests or relationships. Positive relational experiences help the secure
adult to accept love, grace and even discipline from God. They feel loved and valued by God, and
display resiliency when they encounter spiritual dilemmas.

KEY CONCEPTS ABOUT ADULT BONDING:

Important relationships are dynamic not static.

With every successful completion of this cycle, trust develops and security and love
blossoms which moves the relationship to a higher plane.
With every unsuccessful completion of this cycle, the relationship steadily declines and
deteriorates.
BONDING & ATTACHMENT SCRIPTURES:

I Thessalonians 2: 7-12
Isaiah 66:10-14
CONTROLLING OURSELVES IN THE WAY WE SPEAK TO ONE ANOTHER:

Psalm 51:6; Psalm 139:23-24; Proverbs 16:21-23; 17:27; 18:2; 18:21; 19:19; 20:5;
Ephesians 4:25-27; James 1:19-20; James 3:1-18; I Peter 3:8-9.

OUR GOAL: TO BE BONDED TOGETHER!

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

COMFORT CYCLE
The way that we create bonding.

1. SEEK AWARENESS
Self-reflection to understand
feelings and underlying needs.
Note: The wonderful result of completing
the comfort circle will be increasing trust,
love and bonding. Your injured attachment
style will begin to heal and you will begin to
move toward a state of earned secure attachment.
This will in turn allow your to feel again and
repeat the circle.

2. ENGAGE
Speaker openly
acknowledges
feelings and needs.

4. RESOLUTION BRINGS RELIEF & COMFORT

The listener meets the needs of the speaker
with actions and responses (whenever possible),
while at the same time being clear and direct as to
what you can and cannot do for the other person.
Meeting needs may need to be deferred until an
agreed upon time.
3. EXPLORE AND
FIND OUT MORE
This involves clear speaker and
listener roles where the speakers
needs, thoughts, and feelings
are explored. Thoughtful questions
by the listener further clarify the inner
emotions of the speaker and the listener
validates the speakers feelings even if they
disagree with the others perceptions.
Listener concludes with the question:
What do you need?
(Warning: If hurtful action or non-action takes place
instead of completing the comfort cycle,
then the relationship will continue to deteriorate
toward a lower level of distrust and pain.)

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

THE LISTENER
LISTENER GOALS: But let every one be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger (James
1: 19-20). The goal is to enter the perspective and mindset of the other person until I can see the
situation through their eyes. We need to ask questions and probe for deeper understanding and
expand our knowledge of the others feelings, thoughts and experiences.
LISTEN CALMLY:
Dont defend yourself, argue, explain or problem solve. You dont have to agree with what you
are hearing in order to listen and explore.
Focus on the speakers experience, not yours.
CONTROL YOUR REACTIVENESS:
Remember, when defenses go up..listening goes down. Remind yourself: I can listen with
an open mind even if I disagree. The speaker is a separate person with his or her own feelings,
thoughts, personality and family history.
BE AWARE OF YOUR NON -VERBAL RESPONSES:
Dont roll eyes, sigh, groan, or give responses that stop communication.
Maintain eye contact and encourage the Speaker to continue.
FOUR STEPS OF LISTENING
1. Listen, ask the speaker to stop and let you summarize if it gets to long.
2. Repeat back in your own words what you heard and check for accuracy.
3. Ask questions that will broaden your understanding.
4. Respond with empathy, I see what you are saying or I can see how
you might feel that way.
GOOD QUESTIONS TO ASK:
Tell me more, I want to understand.
How does that make you feel?
Are there other times you have felt this? Are there times you felt this as a child?
Are you hurt? Afraid? Scared? Angry?
What are your Hopes? Expectations? Desires?
Dont ask Why? (It is often accusatory) Ask: Where?, How?, Who?, What?, questions.
If you are wrong, dont apologize until you have fully listened.
RESOLUTION: Key guiding question: What do you need right now?
Ownership: I need you to admit and own the problem, infraction or mistake.
Forgiveness: I need a well thought through forgiveness statement and an apology.
Little or nothing: You know, I dont think I need anything right now, I just feel better having
gotten that off my chest.
Reassurance: I need to hear from you that things will be OK, or that you will work on this or
that you still really love me!
Agree to disagree: While we still do not agree on this I do feel like we understand and accept
one another.
Negotiation: I need for us to find some middle ground or a compromise on this!
Analysis / problem solving: Would you hap me figure out how to solve or fix this reoccurring
problem?
Comfort and Nurture: Would you please hold me and comfort me while I cry?

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

THE SPEAKER
SPEAKER GOALS: Speak truth, each one of you for we are members of one another
(Ephesians 4:25-32). The goal is to choose a topic of concern that you would like to explore and to
share your concerns in a way that minimizes defensiveness in the listener.
GET STARTED:
Make a clear statement about your desire to talk about ONE TOPIC. For example, I need to
talk to you about the monthly finances. Dont hint (Maybe we could spend some time
together) and dont drop bombs (Well the bank is going to take the house this month).
Check the listeners readiness to listen and agree upon a time. When would be a good time for
you to discuss this?
TRY THE FOLLOWING:
Introduce the issue youd like to discuss by talking about yourself, your experiences, and your
feelings.
Use I statements rather than YOU statements. For example, I am feeling sad that I didnt
get to spend any time with you instead of You are always busy and never have time for me.
If you need to share something negative about the listener, start and end with a positive
affirmation about them.
If the Listener is causing you to feel unsafe, share what is happening (or could happen) that is
making you feel unsafe. For example, I am feeling unsafe because your tone of voice sounds
disinterested and defensive.
If you have a concern about how the talk might go, start with it that. For example, I need to
have you listen without the television on.
EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
Use feeling words to help explain your experience.
Be honest. Pretending or minimizing is dishonest. Speak the truth in the most loving way you can.
Be vulnerable. Try not to avoid pain or embarrassment that may be a part of sharing deep feelings.
IF YOU ARE ANGRY
Try and discover the feeling under the anger. Hurt and sad feelings are usually underneath the
anger.
Take a time-out if necessary. Dont use time-out as a way to escape and avoid. The following
statement works well Im getting so angry that I need to call a time-out so I can cool
down and we will continue this talk in (10 minutes, 1 hour etc.).DO NOT blame, accuse or
name call. This always is destructive.

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

SOUL WORDS
A Feelings Word List
HAPPY, cheerful, delighted, elated, encouraged, glad, gratified, joyful, lighthearted,
overjoyed, pleased, relieved, satisfied, thrilled, secure.
LOVING, affectionate, cozy, passionate, romantic, sexy, warm, tender, responsive,
thankful, appreciative, refreshed, pleased.
HIGH ENERGY, energetic, enthusiastic, excited, playful, rejuvenated, talkative, pumped.
motivated, driven, determined, obsessed.
AMAZED, stunned, surprised, shocked, jolted, perplexed.
ANXIOUS, uneasy, embarrassed, frustrated, nauseated, ashamed, nervous, restless,
worried, stressed.
CONFIDENT, positive, secure, self assured, assertive.
PEACEFUL, at ease, calm, comforted, cool, relaxed, serene.
AFRAID, scared, anxious, apprehensive, boxed in, burdened, confused, distressed,
fearful, frightened, guarded, hard pressed, overwhelmed, panicky, paralyzed, tense,
terrified, worried, insecure.
TRAUMATIZED, shocked, disturbed, injured, damaged, confused.
ANGRY, annoyed, controlled, manipulated, furious, grouchy, grumpy, irritated,
provoked, frustrated.
LOW ENERGY, beaten down, exhausted, tired, weak, listless, depressed, detached,
withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic.
ALONE, avoidant, lonely, abandoned, deserted, forlorn, isolated, cut off, detached.
SAD, unhappy, crushed, dejected, depressed, desperate, despondent, grieved,
heartbroken, heavy, weepy.
BETRAYED, deceived, fooled, duped, tricked.
CONFUSED, baffled, perplexed, mystified, bewildered.
ASHAMED, guilty, mortified, humiliated, embarrassed, exposed

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

1.
2.
3.

4.
5.
6.
7.

WHY DO RELATIONAL PROBLEMS DEVELOP?

Inadequate modeling, teaching and quite possibly hurt and pain from our family of origin
(FOO) resulting injured attachment experience.
Roles or defenses learned in childhood that protected the child then, but if maintained into
adulthood, will block and hinder intimacy now.
Restrictions of emotional range and feelings. Feelings are indicators of need, so if you
dont know what you feel you wont know what you need. Feelings are often converted into
one feeling. While this can go either way as it relates to gender, often for men this is anger and
for women this is depression.
Wrong priorities such as an over focus on children or work / career to the detriment of the
marriage.
Day to day as well as stages of life stressors that push weaknesses to the forefront.
Constant or chronic conflict without healthy resolution, which produces resentment and blame.
We live in a fallen world that is not ideal. The biblical concept of sin includes the concept of
missing the mark. All of us miss the mark and fall short of Gods ideal.

GROWTH INVOLVES DISCOMFORT! WHY?

If there is a way to better, it extracts a full look at the worst. Irving Yalom
In order to arrive at what you are not, you must go through the way in which you are not. T. S.
Elliott, Four Quartets
1. Change launches us into unfamiliar territory and growth takes us out of our comfort zones.
This is often out of a childhood role or a childlike way of thinking which is how we coped in
childhood.
2. It is uncomfortable to confront our own weaknesses within ourselves as well as accept them in
our spouses. We would rather defend ourselves and not admit that we have faults or go the
opposite extreme and hate ourselves for having weaknesses. Like Adam and Eve in the
Garden, we naturally want to blame others for our pain. Growth must involve a new found
capacity to integrate good and bad within ourselves and others; that is, to learn to accept both
the strengths and weaknesses within ourselves and others.
3. Present day hurts within marriage often involve triggers. Our spouse makes us feel unpleasant
feelings similar to what we felt with our parents. These old feelings fuel our current feelings
and we overreact often without seeing the connection to our past pain. We focus on the present
and get angry or withdraw from our spouse for making us feel bad.
4. Sadly, we usually dont see the need for growth or seek help until we are in pain.

WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO TO GROW?

1. We must first recognize our own need to grow up developmentally, emotionally toward a
secure attachment style versus focusing on the other person ( I Corinthians 13:11, Psalm
139:23-24 and Ephesians 4:15). Often we are stuck in denial and blame our spouses or children.
We can also develop religious defenses that keep us from facing ourselves and growing. An
example of this would be believing that we are the martyr or persecuted one and this is my
cross to bear.
2. We must learn that true love requires a more mature perspective, And this I (Apostle Paul)
pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and discernment
(Philippians 1:9). The Greek agape love here described, involves God like actions for the
Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

3.

4.
5.

6.
7.
8.

10

wellbeing of others as opposed to a warm feeling of love (Greek Phile). Love then must
grow and mature as knowledge and discernment increase. We love with more wisdom.
We must make a decision to be courageous and make a commitment to the process of growth,
which requires hard work and is often painful! We can choose to engage or run. God does not
often answer our prayer to stop the pain, because he would have to stop the maturing
process.
We need to learn to become vulnerable (showing hurt and pain) letting down our defenses.
We are required to become humble and learn to confess our weaknesses and tell our significant
relationships of our contribution to the problem. When is the last time you confessed a sin to
your spouse or children?
We need to learn to forgive from the heart, a process of releasing ourselves as well as others
from the prison cell of debt.
We must grow in our ability to tolerate as well as cultivate new emotions in ourselves and in
others.
We need to adopt a redemptive faith in Jesus Christ, which enables us to have the capacity and
the power to change by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
BIOGRAPHIES

KAY YERKOVICH, M.S., M.F.T.

Kay is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a Masters Degree in Marriage and
Family Counseling and has been counseling with people for over 15 years. She was a stay at home
mom for over 15 years and now enjoys working with couples, families, young children and women.
She is a popular speaker and lecturer in the areas of parenting and marriage relationships. As a
licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, she sees individuals and couples as well as supervising
and training other therapists. Kay and Milan are approved by the California Board of Behavioral
Science Examiners and the American Psychological Association to provide continuing education
for therapists and psychologists.
She and her husband Milan co-authored their new book entitled How We Love, a book on
attachment and bonding (www.howwelove.com). They have been married 34 years and have four
children, three of which are married, one still in college and three grand children. She is creative
and artistic and enjoys ceramics and floral arranging
REV. MILAN YERKOVICH, M.A.
Milan is a Pastoral Counselor and is an ordained minister. He has a Masters Degree in Biblical
Studies and a California Teaching Credential in physical education, health and biology. He has
worked with marriages and families for over 30 years. He was a high school teacher and coach, a
pastor of a local church for 13 years and was in sales and marketing with a large medical device
company. He works primarily with couples in marriage therapy and enjoys working with teens.
He is a Bible teacher and lecturer in the areas of theology, marriage, family and parenting.
As a Pastoral Counselor, he worked for the Center for Individual and Family Therapy as a
marriage counselor for three years and now is the full time director of Relationship 180, a nonprofit organization which is devoted to turning relationships in the right direction
(www.relationship180.com). He is a weekly radio co-host at New Life Ministries with Steve
Arterburn, a nationwide counseling talk show (www.newlife.com). He and his wife Kay are coauthors of their new book entitled How We Love, and How We Love Workbook which are based
on attachment and bonding. He loves to bike, run and swim and is a martial arts instructor.

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

11

Awareness & Reflection Skills

Self-Awareness
Ability to
internally reflect,
understand and
evaluate inner
responses and
outward behaviors.
Can communicate
this awareness to
others.

Avoider
No practice as a
child. Never
asked to talk
about feelings.
No opportunity
for self reflection
so feelings are
minimized,
restricted,
devalued.

Pleaser
Other focused
since childhood, so
unaware of own
feelings and needs.
Poor receiver.
Often unaware of
their own anxiety
that drives their
fixing behavior.

Vacillator
Other focused since
childhood. Only
aware of how others
hurt or anger them.
Little awareness or
ability to reflect on
how their behavior
contributes to
relational dynamics.

Controller
Faced humiliation as a
child. Anger covers
awareness of all
vulnerable emotions.
Self reflection would
mean facing pain, so it
is avoided.

Victim
Too much pain to self
reflect. Depression or
dissociation keep
feelings from
surfacing. Nothing
helps: see little value in
telling others what they
think and feel.

Other Awareness
Ability to reflect
on, ask about and
describe internal
feelings thoughts
and reactions of
others. Able to put
yourself in
anothers shoes
and see from their
perspective.

Does not occur

to avoider to ask
about internal
feelings and
thoughts of
others. Assumes
they are fine or
will solve
problems on
their own.

Indirect: attempts
to read the
thoughts, feelings
and non-verbal
communication of
others to determine
if they are happy
or unhappy.
Indirect questions
to take emotional
temperature.

Little ability to put

themselves in
anothers shoes or
put aside their own
feelings to listen to
and understand the
perspective of
another.
Preoccupied with
how others hurt or
anger them.

Never listened to as a
kid. All about having
control so insecurities
do not arise. Little to
no ability to explore or
understanding the
feelings of others.

No skills.
Has experienced the
feelings, opinions and
thoughts of others as
critical and negative.
Little motivation to
listen to more of the
same.

Comfort in
Dealing with
Negative
Emotions
The ability to
recognize and
respond to
negative emotions.

Unaware of,
minimizes or
avoids negative
emotions of self
and others. Self
reliant and
expects others to
be the same.

Gives and
appeases to avoid
dealing with
negative emotions.
Nice to appease
negative emotions
in others and
distract from
negative emotions
in self.

Angry, but unaware

of underlying
emotions in self.
Little awareness of
impact of their anger
on others. Sees
own emotions as
valid and others
negative emotions as
invalid.

Responds to negative
emotions in self with a
heightened need to
control. Negative
emotions in others
cause anger, as the
controller attempts to
discount and stop
others from expressing
negative emotions.

Others negative
emotions signal danger
or are a reminder of
their own unresolved
pain. Attempts to stop
the expression or
withdraws. Never
learned how to deal
constructively with
negative emotions.

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Overview of Love Styles

Copyright 1997-2007 Milan & Kay Yerkovich

12