Aodhan,

I dont think Ive ever spent as much time writing emails

that will never be sent over the last three days. Im not
going to call you a scumbag, or an asshole, or a prick in
this one, but I am going to tell you the truth, for the last
time.
As you may have gathered by now, I wont be doing what I
threatened to do in anger. I wrote three separate emails to
Aine but I have deleted them all now. I honestly dont fully
know why Im not telling her, but at the very least I know
its only for her sake and not for yours. Im not sorry that
youve perhaps gone around worrying about me telling her
for the past couple of days. Thats exactly the situation
you put me in when I was in America. Now you maybe
know how it feels to have all that control taken away from
you, without warning, and to think that your world could
collapse on top of you at any moment and theres nothing
you can do about it. Its terrifying.
You owe it to me, if Im not going to tell her, to read this
email carefully and consider every word. You owe me that
much even if reading it hurts you or makes you angry. So
Im asking you to read all of it. Im not going to delete it
until Friday. You can read it once or you can read it many
times. It might be better to read it a few times. You badly
need to reawaken whatever conscience you have left.

Perhaps Aine deserves to know, perhaps she would want

to know, perhaps she wouldnt want to know at all. If I
was vindictive enough (turns out Im just not), I could have
told her in a way that made you look far, far worse than
me, so it isnt my self-interest that is saving you. I just
dont have it in me to make someones life more miserable
than it already is, and shes miserable enough now
without even knowing the half of what she is actually
married to. I cant even imagine what knowing about
what you have really done would do to her.
So maybe she will never know about you. But I know it. I
can never forget it either, even if I wanted to.
You have done me a grave wrong Aodhan. My anger does
not arise out of the fact that you couldnt do what you
repeatedly promised me you would do since Christmas.
That has just hurt me and disappointed me and broken my
heart. But the anger you heard in my voice on Saturday
was because of your deeply hurtful lies and even more
hurtful actions over the last weekend/week. Maybe youve
actually done me a favour, if it was always going to end
like this. Perhaps if I eventually hate you, after this awful
pain fades a bit, it will be easier to get over this in the long
run. But right now I am simply crushed and devastated by
how you treated me at the end.
I did not deserve to be treated like that.

I did not deserve to be left feeling empty and used and

cast aside and worthless and foolish. I gave myself to you
that weekend, after a month of staying away, on the basis
of a lie. You know I would never have dreamed of being
with you like that if I had known, or even suspected, the
truth.
If you had a doubt, any doubt, you shouldnt have slept
with me again until you were fully sure, either way. I will
never understand why you did otherwise.
I know you. I know you will try to convince yourself you
werent lying at the time, and that your mind only
changed after our weekend together. But look deep down
into your conscience Aodhan - you will realise that when
you said you were sure that you could do what you had
promised - that was the lie that caused me all of this
damage and pain. You were not sure. Subsequent events
have proved you were never sure, and you had never
bothered to think out the consequences fully enough to be
able to give me an answer that I could rely on before I
slept with you again. Looking back now I can see the
warning signs that were there all weekend you squirmed
whenever I tried to bring up anything about the future or
talk about us and got irritated when I raised it. I no longer
care what you tell me was really going on in your head

but you should know the truth yourself. You know it if you
are honest enough with yourself to face what you did.
Sleeping with you was against my better judgment and
done only on the basis of your heartfelt and repeated
promises. I obviously do not think you raped me. But when
I said things that horrified you on Saturday, this was why.
Parts of our relationship were beautiful in the past, but
now all I will ever remember from the last four years is
how you stole my dignity and self-respect at the end when
all I ever showed you was love and kindness and honesty.
All I ever did was try to be understanding of the position
you were in, but that understanding and my love were
only given on the precondition that you were truthful and
honest with me at all times.
You said I was the only person in your life that you were
not lying to. You now have nobody like that, and maybe
never will have again.
I never lied to you or deceived you Aodhan, whether
intentionally or otherwise. You have done both to me.
Maybe you will take steps now to try to address what kind
of person you have become, to be a better husband, to do
the kind of things Aine is begging and pleading with you to
do to save your marriage. I say this without any hope or

agenda, but I dont believe what you are in will ever make
you happy, and I think you will finally realise that when it
is much too late to save yourself or Aine from a whole
lifetime of unhappiness.
I know you better than anyone, and I know that even
though you may want to change your situation for the
better, you cant force yourself to feel the way you should
about her. You just dont feel it. No amount of guilt about
whats happened or fear about the future can make you
feel it either. Maybe youll now spend the next 40 years
pretending you feel it, and maybe thats your tragedy. But
its also hers.
Even if Im wrong about how you feel - your truth, and the
truth that I know about you, will stay hidden from a
woman who is throwing everything she has into making
you happy and changing herself to please you, all the
while never knowing or suspecting just how much of a lie
she is living and just how badly you have treated her. I feel
nothing but pity for her because I know her truth and she
doesnt. I am a stranger to her and I know more about the
truth of her marriage than she does. But that is none of
my business anymore and I am not going to make it my
business either.
I wrote most of this email when I was extremely angry
with you.. I am still angry, uncontrollably angry at times,

and although I want this to be the last communication you

ever receive from me I cant guarantee that I wont lash
out angrily at times in the future when the hurt becomes
overwhelming, as it frequently does. But I am also
desperately heartbroken and deeply sad. Because I loved
you, or at least I loved someone I thought was you,
someone I never really thought could treat me as you
have now done.
At the heart of that sadness is the clear knowledge that
we are now lost to each other, forever, in every sense, and
that thought still puts tears in my eyes whenever it comes
to my mind. Sometimes when I first wake up in the
morning, sometimes when Im just driving along,
sometimes when you are mentioned in passing
conversation. Why is that the case, after everything you
have done to me? I have no idea. But perhaps its because
the connection, for me, was actually real at one stage, and
it mattered more than anything else ever did.
I dont really believe you ever loved me now. I desperately
want to believe it, but I simply cant. Your behaviour is too
at odds with the behaviour of someone who might have
truly been in love. Whether you are saying those three
words to me or to Aine, I wont ever understand how you
could behave as you have done, towards either of us, if
those feelings were real. Im not sure you will ever know
now what to be in love really means, or how people who

are in love really act towards each other. What being in

something that is based on real trust and honesty and
mutual respect is really like. That makes me feel sorry for
you even through all of my anger and all of my pain.
I have constructed a fiction now where my distance from
you has some explanation that we can give to your staff,
our friends, the members etc. That fiction makes you look
like a prick to them, but youll maybe forgive me for not
really being concerned about that. In light of everything
that has happened, Im not going to be the one that
people blame or criticise when I dont help your election
campaign or dont do your reps for you. You can carry that
one on your own shoulders, even if it is yet another lie on
top of all the others. Its not out of spite, even though you
may think it is. Its because I loved you so much that
having anything to do with you or even hearing your name
now feels like a kick to my stomach.
I also think I will resign from the Council sometime next
year. Youve taken all pleasure from this for me now. I can
try and make a difference in other ways.
So Aodhan, you should read the following, and remember
that even if only one other person in the whole world
recognises the man described below as being you, thats
still enough to make it real forever. And nothing you can
do or say can ever change what youve done or make it up

to me or to Aine. Ever. You may hate reading it, but this is

your truth. If you take anything positive from it, maybe it
will inform how you behave towards other people into the
future.
I know I am no saint in this. I did terrible things to people
too, though I did the right thing in the end. I will be doing
my own self-reflection on my behaviour, but none of the
below statements apply to me as they do to you.
Some of this is brutal, but none of it is untrue. You need to
hear it and consider it and understand it. I honestly think
you are now out of control in relation to how you treat
people, and I dont say that spitefully. You have said to me
on a number of occasions that it bothered you that you
never felt guilty about things that you did. Seeing it
spelled out may change that and may make you a better
person if you realise the gravity of it now.
1. You lasted 18 months in your marriage before
starting to cheat.
2. You have been having an affair for 4 years of your 5.5
year marriage.
3. You stayed out all night in my bed while Aine worried
about you at home.
4. You spent hours sending me sex texts when Aine was
asleep in bed.
5. You did the above on numerous occasions.

6. You skyped Aine in New York while I was upstairs

naked in bed waiting for you to finish. We had sex
directly after your call.
7. We went on weekends/days away in hotels and you
pretended you didnt see Aines texts when she was
trying to contact you.
8. You let your parents-in-law sleep in a bed that you
cheated on your wife in.
9. You let your sister-in-law sleep in a bed that you
cheated on your wife in.
10.
You let your wife sleep in a bed that you cheated
on your wife in.
11.
You probably didnt even change the sheets
beforehand.
12.
You let Aine sit and watch TV every night on the
couch where we had sex multiple times. Remember
that next time shes sitting there.
13.
You ruined my life and reputation with your
carelessness.
14.
Over and over and over again.
15.
You breached my utmost confidences and told
Aine everything in September to try and get her to
leave you, because you couldnt find the courage to
leave yourself.
16.
You swore to Aine after a month of separation
that you would do anything to get her back and that
you loved her and were completely committed to
making your marriage work. We had sex again the
following night.
17.
You ran to me at various points when you had
arguments with Aine during your separation phase.
You sent me hundreds of texts from the spare room

while she was asleep in the other after spending the

evening talking about your marriage and your future
together.
18.
You told me regularly that you missed me, would
love me forever etc during this separation phase
when you were supposed to be changing for Aine.
19.
You divulged personal details of a highly private
nature about your sex life with Aine to me.
20.
You have had sex with me far more often than
you have had sex with Aine, despite the fact that you
have been married for 5.5 years.
21.
You told me that you were committed to me at
the same time that you were telling Aine you were
committed to her.
22.
You waited until Aine went to bed or left the
house in Monaghan at Christmas time so you could
text me into the early hours.
23.
Some quotes from texts and emails to me since
Christmas:
24.
Ive committed to this.
25.
We both want the same thing baby. I promise
you that.
26.
I love you. Things will work out. I promise.
27.
We have so much more love to share. I know
it.
28.

I keep thinking of how we got to this place.

How 2014 was a year of clarity, connection, emotion

and achievement for us. How we have travelled a
journey so far but how our best years are ahead.
29.
What is so exciting for me is the potential we
have as a couple - how happy we can still make each
other.
30.
You are my future. My decision is made.

31.
32.

It turns out talk is cheap.

You said it would be after your anniversary, after

Valentines Day, after her birthday, after Australia,

after her time away, and then you finally said
never.
33.
You asked me explicitly to wait for you. Four
months ago.
34.
You dont care about the fact that Aine would
never have sex with you again if she knew any of the
above. She will only want to do it because she does
not know the truth. Can sex ever mean anything
again if is on the basis of such dishonesty? It is
supposed to be the most honest thing two people can
do together. Can you ever have any meaningful sex
again as a result? For you to consider Aodhan.
35.
You made clear and explicit promises to me
about your intentions.
36.
You were given thousands of opportunities to
back out of this at an earlier and less hurtful stage.
You took none of those opportunities but continued to
take everything I physically had to give you of myself
instead. If you even had the smallest doubt, you
should never have done what you did last weekend.
37.
I am going to talk to my parents and move
out.
38.
You were fully aware that I would never have
slept with you that weekend if you had expressed any
doubt at all about our future. I begged you to tell me
if you had any doubts. Please dont make a fool of
me by doing this if you arent sure. Im sure. You
dont have to convince me.

39.

You denied that there was any issue on

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

40.
You fucked me as much as you wanted.
41.
You fucked me as much as you wanted.
42.
You fucked me as much as you wanted.
43.
When I saw the doubt in your eyes on Sunday
night and called you on it, you said: I wasnt saying
goodbye. We were committing to each other.
44.
You denied that there was any issue on Monday.
45.
You denied that there was any issue on Tuesday.
46.
You listened to me tearfully begging you for
honesty, reminding you that I was trusting you,
reminding you that all I could do was believe you. You
let me make a fool of myself when you knew the
truth then.
47.
I told you I felt lost, that I had cried myself to
sleep, that all I wanted was for you to tell me the
truth. Nothing I could say moved you. Instead, you
angrily asked Why would I start lying to you now? I
dont know Aodhan, why would you?
48.
You ignored me for three days after that
conversation.
49.
Three long days where I agonised, worried, and
tried to tell myself that the person I loved would
never treat me like this, that I must be wrong, and
there must be some other explanation for his
behaviour.
50.
On Friday I was abused again for daring to ask
what was going on: Are you trying to fucking melt
my head as well Im not having the same
conversation again. Tell you what truth? I didnt
contact you because I was protecting you. Jesus.

For fucks sake. Can this wait? Youre

overanalysing Theres no issue Jane, please stop.
51.
You forced me, even though I knew the truth in
my heart, to beg you over 2000 words to be put out
of my week-long misery, and I lost my final shred of
dignity in the process.
52.
Finally, finally, I dragged it out of you: I just
dont think I can go through with this.
53.
After all of the above, you still defended yourself
by saying you had only done what I had asked, and
still looked to be given credit for your honesty at
the 11th hour. Honesty that came much too late for
me.
54.
Still you somehow talked this week with a
straight face about society maintaining thresholds of
decency, and about how you follow a Christ with love
at his core.
You could have done the one decent honest thing that was
still possible and rebuild yourself from there, but thats not
something I can force you to do. I have never said this
was easy for you. All I asked for was your honesty, and in
the end you couldnt even give me that even though you
were breaking my heart.
The difficult truth in this is that no matter how much you
try to convince yourself youre doing the right thing here,
you arent. There is no right thing possible in your
marriage when you have done all of the above and when
that enormous lie still stands. Maybe youll think of

everything youve done to Aine every time any word or act

of affection passes between you over the weeks and
months and years. If you manage to make her happy, that
guilt should still be your cross to bear after everything you
have done to people you claim to love.
Even if nobody else ever knows your truth, I do.
You may not even recognise yourself from this email.
But this is you Aodhan.
You might be finishing reading this feeling angry at me
because Ive told you the truth about yourself you never
liked that. Maybe you think I am being cruel, or harsh, or
unfair, or something else that makes me the bad guy here
instead of you.
But if you are feeling like that, you should remember what
you have done to me over these past four years Aodhan.
You have broken my heart - twice - and you have now also
broken my trust and what was once an unshakeable belief
that what we had between us was honest no matter what
else was going on in our lives. I hope you can just accept
that and accept the consequences of what you have done
without looking to blame others for how you now feel at
the end of it all.

I did love you. But you crushed me, and you lied to me
and you used me before you crushed me. And that is the
part I wont ever get over.
Let's face it: I'm scared, scared and frozen. First, I guess
I'm afraid for myself... the old primitive urge for survival.
It's getting so I live every moment with terrible intensity. It
all flowed over me with a screaming ache of pain...
remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live
it, feel it, cling to it. When you feel that this may be goodbye, the last time, it hits you harder.
Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath