English Advanced Creative Writing

Somalia Story

After being led into the room, Muthengi and Yusef waited patiently. The
single file forked into three queues, at the end of which a teller sat behind
a square glass window. Nervous chatter was punctuated by the occasional
stamp and shortly after, with their heads bowed and eyes glazed, they
entered the next room. What was in there? He sucked in another breath.
The humming of the machines and the squeak of the wheels reverberated
in his head.
Are mummy and daddy ok?

After a moments hesitation, Yusef placed his hand on his brothers

shoulder, finally summoning the courage to speak.
Haa Isdeji nolosha sida Muqdisho Yes they are, life will be like it was in Mogadishu, the

words hung uneasily in his throat, threatening to choke him.

But behind his stoic mask, Yusefs resolve faltered: I have to stay strong
for my brother, hes only 8. The thoughts swum inside his head, gnawing
at his mind. How are they doing? What if Al Shabaab has tricked us all
along? What if Australia isnt what people say it is?
The line inched further.
***
5100km away. Parliament House
Tony Abbott: This latest arrival, carrying about 60 people was stopped by
HMAS Warramunga on Saturday. It is the 40th boat to arrive this month as
Labors border protection failures continue. They are currently detained at
Christmas Island and will be kept theirre until they are properly processed.
Because of Labors incompetencefailure to stop the boat people,
two asylum seekers - twomore young boys with the world ahead

of them - have died, unable to cope with the conditions in the

camp.
We will stop the boats.

***
Another wave crashed crash onto the side of the small blue fishing trawler,
sending it reeling sideways. The 60 or so people on the ship desperately
latched onto each other. The wind howled. Yusef and Muthengi huddled
together under their blankets but the relentless wind bit through, sending
shivers down their spines. Crammed onto the ship with little food or water,
the migrants were subdued into a hypnotic-like trance. It had been days,
perhaps weeks since the brothers had eaten anything substantial and their
parched, cracked lips paid testament to the lack of water they had. It was
so ironic, Yusef thought, water is all around me and yet Im going to die of
thirst. He looked across at the mighty waves that crashed down upon
them and not for the first time, thought of jumping in. The waves will
catch me in their arms, their ripples will carry me away like gentle lassos.
It could all be over soon. But looking back at his brother, he stopped.
Muthengi lay without stirring, his eyes were closed in the innocence of
sleep, his chest heaving with a weak rise and fall on each breath. Around
his body, a tattered shirt wrapped around him like a bag, so ridiculously
large that it merely emphasised the meagreness of his frame. Yusef
resolved that he could not abandon him like that;, he needed to stay alive
to support him, whatever it took.

His thoughts turned back to home. The guilt bubbled inside. How could
they leave their family back at Mogadishu like that? Perhaps the war

wouldve ended, who knows maybe the government may have hit some
sense into those power-mad warlords?
And that man. Oh, how could he ever forget? It was he that organised it
all! The vivid memory played again: his gangly hands flicking through the
wad and the eyes that shone bright as each green slip crackled with his
touch.
I can guarantee you safe passage to Australia, free from the persecution
of the Al-Shabaab and from the horrors of the war, his voice echoed
It will cost you $10,200 shillings
Qof Walba - Per Person

His mother could not suppress herself and her body trembled with her
gasp.
We dont have that much money! My husband only makes half of that a
year For all of us to go, it would cost two life savings! she cried.
Through her sobs, tears began streaming down her rueful face, flowing
down the tracks of her cheeks. How could she break such bad news to
their father? Her face furrowed, revealing wrinkles on her skin. The
revelation crushed the brothers.
As the corrugated ute pulled away from their small mud-brick bungalow,
their parents receded further and further away. Hearts heavy, they
continued to wave back until their view was obscured by plumes of red dirt
thrown into the air.

***
The boys were almost at the counter now. Their nerves tightened.

Next! the immigration officers voice resounded.

Cautiously approaching the officer, the boys proceeded.
Papers, please
The story is decent (it probably is overdone) and writing is ok (not
spectacular, though) but Im not sure how well it relates to discovery. What
is the discovery here? The only one I can ascertain is the discovery of the
strength of family and the willingness of parents to place their children in
place for a better future. There needs to be a more powerful one.
Additionally, the story is too short (at ~800 words) ideally it would be
around 1000 so try and add more detail and depth into your description
and story.

Should I make them die?

Context:
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/nationalaffairs/immigration/somalis-get-aussie-asylum-option/storyfn9hm1gu-1226664753681