The Power of Play in Couples Therapy and Life

The Power of Play in Couples Therapy and Life
Robert Schwarz
The Definition of Play
Play is a broad based spectrum of consciousness and behavior that includes different degrees
of: freedom from constraint, openness, novelty, flexibility, lightheartedness, cooperation,
humor, risk-taking, trust, creativity, vulnerability and positive emotion that generates increased
levels of positive emotion, behavioral flexibility and interpersonal connection.
Positive Psychology and Positive Emotions
Frederickson (1998, 2001) has suggested that the function of positive emotions is to help
people broaden their thought-action repertoires1 and build enduring personal resources. This
would be in contrast to negative emotions that tend to narrow a persons action and thought
tendencies
Two decades of research by Isen and her colleagues suggest that positive affect produces a
broad, flexible cognitive organization and ability to integrate diverse material (Isen, 1990,
p89) [in Frederickson 2001 p 221].
What is the difference between neurosis and health? Health is one damn thing after
another; and neurosis is the same damn thing after another. Individuals and couples get caught
in highly limited and limiting thought action patterns.
Play is a generator of positive emotions under represented in Positive Psychology
The ratio of positive to negative : 5:1 10:1 20:1
The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high and significant [and] has been
widely ignored by researchers, therapists and couples alike. ( Markman and Stanley, 1996)
To sustain successful relationships, couples must continue to identify more opportunities to
engage in inspiring, exciting, and novel activities together. The couples who discover and
engage in such opportunities will be the couples who maintain a flourishing and satisfying
relationship (Aron & Aron, 1986).
2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff
www.wearenofunanymore.com
Robert Schwarz Ardmore, PA dr.robertschwarz@gmail.com 610-642-0884
The Neuroscience of Play and Happiness

Play and fun counter balance the negativity bias in the brain.
Play and novelty keep dopamine levels high to prevent the effects of wandering eye.
When a couple is having fun together, each person is entraining his or her own neural nets to a)
fire off positive emotions and b) associate ones partner with happiness and positive
experiences. This, then, is the neurology of healthy romantic relationships.
Blocks to Play
Objection 1: The problems in my relationship/Life are fundamentally too serious and deep to
be solved by something as frivolous as play.
Objection 2: Play is not productive. It is frivolous and a waste of time.
Objection 3: We dont have the time. We have work, chores and obligations with kids.
Objection 4: I am too angry and resentful.
Objection 5: We dont enjoy the same type of play, or, my partner does not know how to play.
Common and Important Barriers to Play: the Short List
Within the Partnership:
Unrealistic Relationship Expectations

o Unrealistic expectations about what it takes to have a joyous, loving, lasting
marriage.
o Unrealistic expectations about balancing the roles of parent and spouse.
Way too much emphasis on the kids
Not enough on spouse
o Unrealistic expectations regarding the responsibility and role of the self and the
other partner in creating joy and positive experiences.
My partner is supposed to fill in all the blanks I have in myself and fulfill me.
Even if I am no fun anymore as an individual, we should be having fun as a
couple.
My partner needs to make up for everything others did to me in the past.
Outside the Partnership - Individual Dynamics

o Fear of embarrassment, making mistakes, looking silly or stupid.
o
Viewing the world through the lens of right and wrong
o Competitiveness
o Fear of loss of control
o Rigid and inflexible values about how to create positive experiences of fun and
joy
o Parental injunctions and life scripts : Dont play, Dont be a child, Dont feel,
Dont be spontaneous, Grow Up!
o Childhood abuse and trauma
Benefits of Play/Humor in therapy session
1) Manage affect intensity and perceived safety/shame/acceptance
2) Increases Attention and makes things memorable.

3) Reduces defensiveness
4) More fun for the therapist.
The Couple's Brief Play Profile: Are We Having Fun?

Score each statement below using the following scale based on how often these activities occur.
All interactions are considered to be positive.
1 Never
2 Rarely
3 Occasionally
4 Often
5 - Always
1. I enjoy my partner's company. _______

2. My partner makes me smile/laugh. ________
3. I make my partner smile/laugh. _______
4. We go out on dates alone together that include fun activities (other than meals)._____
5. We flirt with each other. _______
6. We do novel things together. _______
7. We act silly together when were alone.______
8. My partner has a good sense of humor. _______
9. We take trips alone together. ________
10. We enjoy doing the same activities together. _______
11. We plan future fun activities together._______
12. My partner is open to fun activity ideas I suggest._______
13. I am open to activities my partner suggests. _______
14. I surprise my partner with something fun to do. _______
15. My partner surprises me with something fun to do. ________
16. We play games together. (Board/card games; sports, etc.). _______
17. My partner and I joke with or playfully tease each other. _______
18. I am satisfied with the frequency of our sexual encounters.. _______
19. I am satisfied with the quality of sex with my partner.________
20. My partner and I are physically affectionate. _________
Some times you can play and have fun with your partner .
Sometimes you can play and have fun without your partner.
Which picture most accurately reflects the mixture of where you have fun?
Play/Fun w/o partner
Play/Fun together
Play/Fun together
Play/Fun
w/o partner
Play/Fun
w/o partner
Play/Fun together
Play/Fun
w/o partner
Play/Fun
w/o partner
Play/Fun
together
Play/Fun
together
Play/Fun
w/o partner
Play/Fun
w/o partner
5
Couples Play Inventory sample only not complete

Section 1 ACTIVITIES, DATES AND OUTINGS THAT ARE OUTSIDE OF THE HOME
Cultural Play
Times per
month
Degree of
Pleasure
Satisfaction with
frequency
Degree of
Pleasure
Satisfaction with
frequency
Go to a museum or historic site

Go to a comedy performance
Participate in a book group
Go to a play
Go to the ballet or other dance event
Go to the opera
Go to an art gallery
Entertainment Play
Go to a sporting event (baseball soccer, football)
Go bowling
Go to a restaurant you have never been to before
Go out for pizza, ice cream, etc.
Take a dance class together
Shop together
Go out and sing Karaoke
Go to a craft fair
Go out to community function together
Go to the aquarium or zoo
The Great Outdoors
Times per
month
Go to the park, arboretum, or botanical garden

Go to the beach
Go the mountains
Have a picnic or barbeque
Go skiing/snowboarding
Go waterskiing
Go snorkeling or scuba diving
Go canoeing
Go kayaking
Go sailing
Go hiking
Go jet skiing
Go motor boating
The flying trapeze (offered at many club meds)
Other
Section 2 ACTIVITIES, DATES & EVENTS THAT TAKE PLACE IN AND AROUND THE HOME
Times per
month
Degree of
Pleasure
Satisfaction with
frequency
Talk together about daily experiences in life

Talk together about big question issues (e.g. the meaning of life,
spirituality)
Talk together about life goals in terms of vacation, finances, career,
children
Plan a vacation together
Meditate together
Practice Yoga or exercise together
Eat dinner together in a leisurely unhurried manner
Cook dinner together
Make a fire in your fireplace, sit together & enjoy
SECTION 3 SMALL PLAYFUL BEHAVIORS THAT CREATE POSITIVE EMOTION (CLOWNING AROUND)
Humor
Times per
month
Degree of
Pleasure
Satisfaction with
frequency
Make your partner laugh

Your partner makes you laugh
You laugh together
Tell jokes
Make fun of yourself
Speak in a funny accent
Do something silly
Make up a silly song
Share a funny experience from your day
Look at comics/joke books together
Mimic favorite comedy bits (e.g. Seinfeld, Monty Python, Saturday

Night Live)
Give your partner a gag gift
Put on a funny outfit
Keep playful objects around the house
Take a comedic improv class
Take a stand up comedy class
Small acts of physical affection
Times per
month
Degree of
Joy
Satisfaction with
frequency
Times per
month
Degree of
Pleasure
Satisfaction with
frequency
Degree of
Pleasure
Satisfaction with
frequency
Give Hugs
Give kisses
Gentle stroking
Scratching
Stroking hair
Hold hands in private or public
Put arm around your partner
Give a non sexual pat
Small acts of love, kindness and fun

Give a card
Write short sweet notes
Receive a short sweet note
Write a love poem
Receive a love poem
Give flowers
Give chocolate
Give a compliment
Give a gift or do something unexpectedly for no reason whatsoever
Express gratitude for something, small or large
SECTION 4 ROMANCE, SENSUALITY AND SEXUALITY
Romantic-Sensual
Times per
month
Take a shower or bath together
Wash each others hair

Give each other a massage (body, face, hands or feet)
Go dancing together
Go to a bed & breakfast or hotel for a night or a weekend
Have breakfast in bed
Play romantic music in the house or car
Read or write love poetry
create a sensual mood in bedroom or other room ( candles, essential
oils, plants, music, lighting, etc.
Sexual:
Times per
month
Degree of
Pleasure
Satisfaction with
frequency
Times per
month
Degree of
Pleasure
Satisfaction with
frequency
Sexual intercourse in bed (in a variety of positions)

Sexual intercourse anywhere outside of bed
Sexual pleasuring other than intercourse (oral)
Sexual pleasuring other than intercourse (manual)
Sexual pleasuring other than genital ( e.g. breasts/back/neck/legs)
Sufficient foreplay (20 30 min.)
Try out new positions in sex
Masturbate in front of each other
Talking during sex
Use erotica (movies, books)
Use sexual toys (e.g. vibrator)
Use of Fantasy
Tell each other one fantasy and act it out
Pretend you are much younger
Pretend that this is the first time that you are making love and ask
your partner what s/he likes.
Have phone sex
Use food/fruit as sensuous objects during sex (see the movie 9
weeks)
Buy a movie or book and try different positions or activities
depicted
Intimacy and Positive Energy Engineering In the Therapy Session

DON'TS
1. Don't allow couples to fight in the session. Stop them immediately.
2. Dont allow negative communication spirals (especially shame) to get rolling.
3. Don't avoid using humor to make a point. Jokes, props, and stories are very
effective if used appropriately.
4. Don't let partners interrupt each other. If both people are talking no one is listening.
5. Do not mismanage time and pace of therapy and allow couples to walk out more
upset than when they walked in (at least not on a regular basis sometimes unavoidable)
DO'S
1. Have partners appreciate each other in the beginning and end of each session.
2. Acknowledge them for the work their doing to improve their marriage.
3. Introduce novel experiences like expressive arts therapy: psychodrama, movement
therapy, art therapy, etc. when couples are stuck in a pattern of behavior.
4. Have couples hug in the session. Show them how to give a full hug, no patting, don't
hold your own hands instead hold onto your partner's back. No A frames
5. Ask them to share about fun times they've had together.
6. Find Positive frames and motivations for behavior.
7. Approach true conflict openly with sub-text that communicates couple can work it
out and be the better for it.
8. Have partners talk to each other (not you) Especially about positive stuff and
intimate stuff. (This heats up the affect).
9. Manage the emotional dynamics (heating up and cooling down).
10
Intimacy and Positive Energy Engineering- at Home Dos and Dont

DON'TS
1. When going out on a date, don't bring up in conversation daily problems and heated
topics like money, children, or relationship issues, especially ones that have caused
conflicts for the couple in the past
2. When going out on a date, don't take calls, look at emails, or answer texts while
alone with your partner unless it is an emergency.
3. Don 't complain about your partner to him/her without making a loving request for
change.
4. Don't talk about problems from your day when first greeting your spouse after a day
apart. You will set a negative tone for the evening.
5. Don't leave the planning of dates to only the woman. Women will usually resent it.
7. Don't get ready for dates in front of your mate. When you were dating you showed
up at the door and it was a surprise.
8. Don't drink in excess while on a date
DO'S
1. Greet each other positively with a hug, kiss, and kind words in the morning when
you wake up, when one person or both leave the house, when one or both returns
home, right before you go to sleep at night.
2. Cuddle for 5 - 10 minutes a night preferably right before bedtime.
3. Cultivate a close friendship. Find out what your spouse is interested in and enjoys.
4. Be fully present. Focus on your partner. Have eye contact, listen with all your
senses, let go of distracting thoughts, let your partner know that he/she is your priority.
5. When appropriate give your partner affectionate touch. Hold hands, kiss, hug at
least four times a day, cuddle, put arm around partner, stroke hair, etc. When greeting
each other kiss and hug.
6. Do caring behaviors for your partner - behaviors that your partner enjoys and has
them feeling loved.
7. Practice random acts of kindness for your partner.
8. Cultivate passion and romance in small and large ways.
11
Reverse Role Playing Exercise

- to promote empathy, understanding, and to open possibilities for resolving the
problem.
Step 1 - Choose a behavior that your partner does that upsets youStep 2 - Describe in detail what he/she does.
Step 3 - With positive intention ask couple if they are willing to do an exercise that
could help them resolve the issue.
Step 4 - If they agree to do it, tell them that they will reverse roles and become their
partner and do her/his typical behavior. Also let them know that they cannot talk while
acting it out.
Step 5 - Before starting ask if they understand the instructions and if they have any
questions. If so answer them.
Step 6 - Tell them to get up from their chairs or sofa and to start moving. They may get
confused so you can help them do what their partner does not what they do. Give
them about 2 to 3 minutes to complete it.9
Step 7 - Ask each partner to stop and reflect on their experience and then ask them
how they felt, what body sensations they were having and any new revelations they
thought about it.
Step 8 - Therapist acknowledges them for doing it and summarizes what he/ she heard
from the couple's responses and asks them what new behavior they are willing to ease
the situation.
12
Characteristics of a Playful Therapist

During Exercise Please rate yourself on each of these characteristics on a scale of 1-10, one
being lowest and ten the highest. Then with help of partner write down examples of what you
do in each category.
Models a playful, positive and joyful approach to living ____
Values Improvisation and mindfulness ____
Recognizes the evocative, entrancing, and dramatic use of play ____
Is creative and generates novel events and experiences that increase the potential for
change and healing. ___
Embraces humor ____
13

The Power of Play in Couples Therapy and Life

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The Power of Play in Couples Therapy and Life

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

The Neuroscience of Play and Happiness

Unrealistic Relationship Expectations

Way too much emphasis on the kids

Not enough on spouse

Outside the Partnership - Individual Dynamics

Viewing the world through the lens of right and wrong

1) Manage affect intensity and perceived safety/shame/acceptance

2) Increases Attention and makes things memorable.

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

The Couple's Brief Play Profile: Are We Having Fun?

1. I enjoy my partner's company. _______

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

Play/Fun w/o partner

Play/Fun w/o partner

Play/Fun w/o partner

Couples Play Inventory sample only not complete

Go to a museum or historic site

The Great Outdoors

Go to the park, arboretum, or botanical garden

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

Talk together about daily experiences in life

Make your partner laugh

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

Mimic favorite comedy bits (e.g. Seinfeld, Monty Python, Saturday

Small acts of physical affection

Small acts of love, kindness and fun

SECTION 4 ROMANCE, SENSUALITY AND SEXUALITY

Take a shower or bath together

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

Wash each others hair

Sexual intercourse in bed (in a variety of positions)

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

Intimacy and Positive Energy Engineering In the Therapy Session

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

Intimacy and Positive Energy Engineering- at Home Dos and Dont

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

Reverse Role Playing Exercise

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

Characteristics of a Playful Therapist

Values Improvisation and mindfulness ____

Recognizes the evocative, entrancing, and dramatic use of play ____

Embraces humor ____

2011-2012 Robert Schwarz & Elaine Braff

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