THE BIG BANG THEORY

"The Jellyfish Clause Modification"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. JUICE BAR - DAY

Bernadette and Howard are standing in line.
ROGER (handsome, fit, 33) walks towards the door with a
bottle of juice in his hand. He spots Bernadette.
ROGER
Bernadette.
BERNADETTE
Roger.
ROGER
Hey.
BERNADETTE
Hi. Its so good to see you.
HOWARD
(to Roger)
Yeah. Its great to see you, Roger.
Refresh my memory. Who are you?
BERNADETTE
Howard--this is my old friend
Roger.
Roger--this is my husband Howard.
ROGER
Hi.
HOWARD
Hey.
BERNADETTE
(to Roger)
Gosh. How long has it been?
ROGER
More than a decade. Its too bad we
just--you know--went our separate
ways.
HOWARD
Sometimes its good to go separate
ways. You know. Its like that old
saying: "If everyone went the exact
same way, then thered be a lot of
traffic, and wed all just be
sitting in our cars, and honking at
each other, and waiting to go to
the bathroom." I think Ben Franklin
said that.

2.

BERNADETTE
OK.
(to Roger)
So--Ive been following your
career. I read something about how
youre planning to retire.
ROGER
Yeah. Its just my time. After
playing for ten years.
HOWARD
What do you play--the banjo?
ROGER
Football.
HOWARD
... Im an astronaut. Yeah. We have
a little saying over at NASA. Its
goes, uh, "Thousands of people have
won the Super Bowl--but only 500
people have been in
space." Uh--have you ever won the
Super Bowl?
ROGER
Three times.
HOWARD
... Im also an engineer. Four
times.
ROGER
Four times what?
HOWARD
I dont know.
INT. SHELDON AND LEONARDS APARTMENT - DAY
Leonard and Sheldon
SHELDON
Leonard. Youre a swell guy.
LEONARD
Im a swell guy?
SHELDON
I believe so. Yes.

3.

LEONARD
No ones ever called me swell
before. Except for that one time.
In 1937. When people still used the
word swell.
SHELDON
Its interesting that you brought
up the 1930s. Because Ive been
reading the 1930s bestseller, How
to Win Friends and Influence
People.
LEONARD
Oh. And I suppose thats why you
called me swell.
SHELDON
Chapter 7: give sincere
compliments.
Penny walks in.
PENNY
(to Leonard)
Hi honey.
(to Sheldon)
Hey Sheldon.
SHELDON
Penny! Im glad youre here!
PENNY
You are?
SHELDON
Yes. Because now I can tell you
that I think youre a good actress.
I especially enjoyed the way you
held up a bottle of ointment in
that Preparation H commercial. If I
were to cast a commercial for foot
powder, youd be the first person
Id call.
PENNY
Oh. Well. Thank you, Sheldon. And,
uh, I think youre a good
physicist.
SHELDON
I am a good physicist. But youre
not educated or intelligent enough
(MORE)

4.

SHELDON (contd)
to really know that. I mean, when
you watch me working on an
equation, its comparable to a dog
watching a person do long division.
The dog doesnt really know whether
the person is dividing correctly.
The dogs not even aware that the
person is doing math. All he sees
is a bunch of scribbles. And if you
put a bowl of bacon in front of the
dog, itll take all of his
attention off of the scribbles.
PENNY
So youre saying Im dumb as a dog?
SHELDON
No.
PENNY
So youre saying I can be
distracted by a bowl of bacon.
SHELDON
No.
PENNY
So what are you saying?
Sheldon thinks for a few seconds, and then smiles at Penny.
Penny stares blankly at Sheldon.
LEONARD
Um. Sheldon. What are you doing?
SHELDON
Chapter 8. Smile.
Sheldon continues smiling at Penny.
LEONARD
Chapter 9. Stop smiling.
SHELDON
Penny. Um. What I meant to say was,
when you watch me doing physics,
youre like a dog.
PENNY
I already got that part.

5.

SHELDON
But, when I watch you pick up
sarcasm, or talk your way out of a
ticket, or use your fashion sense
to choose an outfit, Im like a
dog. Ruff, ruff.
PENNY
Um. OK. And a ruff, ruff back at
you.
SHELDON
(to Leonard)
Shes barking at me, Leonard. I
think thats a good sign. Oh--by
the way. I forgot to mention that
not only are you a swell guy,
youre also a tremendous Mario Kart
player.
LEONARD
Um. Well. Thank you, Sheldon. And,
uh, I think youre a tremendous
physicist.
SHELDON
I am a tremendous physicist--but
youre not educated or intelligent
enough to really know that.
PENNY
Leonard. I think this is the part
where youre supposed to start
barking.
INT. CAR - DAY
Bernadette is driving. Howard takes a sip of his juice, and
holds back a facial expression and cough that indicates hes
disgusted by the taste of the drink.
HOWARD
This is good. I think theres
wheatgrass in it. Wheatgrass. Is it
grass, is it wheat? Could be both.
I dont know. So whos your friend?
BERNADETTE
I knew Roger in college. He dated
one of my close friends for a year,
and I was dating someone else
during that time, and the four of
(MORE)

6.

BERNADETTE (contd)
us hung out together a lot. The
end. Drink your juice.
HOWARD
Well. Judging by the way he was
looking at you back there, Im
guessing he had a crush on you back
then, and the only reason you
didnt date each other was that he
was seeing your close friend.
BERNADETTE
I dont know. Who cares? I mean, it
was a non-relationship that took
place a decade ago.
HOWARD
I feel like I have to one-up you
now.
BERNADETTE
What?
HOWARD
A three time Super Bowl winner is
completely enamored with you.
BERNADETTE
Says who?
HOWARD
I could see it in his eyes. Its
like Tony Montana once said:
(imitating Tony Montana)
"The eyes dont lie, chico."
BERNADETTE
Howard. Youre a scientist. Youre
not supposed to put so much stock
in the sayings of fictional drug
dealers with phony Cuban accents.
HOWARD
Are you criticizing Al Pacinos
Cuban accent?
BERNADETTE
No. Im criticizing your analysis
of Reggie.

7.

HOWARD
Reggie?! Ten seconds ago, he was
Roger! It took you five months to
go from calling me Howard to
calling me Howie--but it took you
ten seconds to go from Roger to
Reggie.
BERNADETTE
He used to go by Roger and Reggie
back in college. OK?
HOWARD
Listen. A 3 time Super Bowl winner
is in love with you. So now I have
to one up you.
BERNADETTE
And how do you intend to do that?
HOWARD
Simple. Im gonna make a four time
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model
fall in love with me.
INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY
Leonard, Sheldon, Penny, and CUSTOMERS
PENNY
Can we go now?
LEONARD
Give me two more minutes. I need to
buy a wedding gift for John
Bushkin.
PENNY
Is John Bushkin the one whos
planning a Star Wars themed
wedding?
LEONARD
No. Thats me.
Sheldon is watching CALVIN SMITH (50) browse through some
comics.
SHELDON
(to Leonard)
You know who that is? Calvin
Smith--director of Dr. Shocker, and
(MORE)

8.

SHELDON (contd)
the upcoming Solar Man. This is a
great opportunity for me to win
friends and influence people.
LEONARD
Oh boy.
Sheldon walks over to Calvin Smith.
SHELDON
Mr. Smith. Im a big fan of your
films.
CALVIN SMITH
Oh. Thank you.
SHELDON
I also enjoyed that YouTube video
of you playing the harmonica.
CALVIN SMITH
You mean the one where Im drunk
and shirtless at a New Years Eve
party?
SHELDON
Yes--thats the one. And might I
say that you have the exact same
pattern of back hair that Albert
Einstein had.
CALVIN SMITH
You might say that. But I dont
know why youd say it.
SHELDON
You see, Im a physicist--like
Einstein. Im actually a lot like
Einstein. Except for the back hair.
I have the brain of Albert
Einstein. And the back hair of
Isaac Newton. Oh--and I also have
the brain of Isaac Newton. In other
words, Im a genius with a hairless
back.
CALVIN SMITH
You know, Im working on a movie
called Solar Man--and theres this
role were casting for. A wacky
scientist. I know this is gonna
sound strange--but how about you
(MORE)

9.

CALVIN SMITH (contd)

come in and audition for the part?
I got a hunch about you.
Penny walks up to them.
PENNY
Sheldon. Introduce me to your
friend.
SHELDON
OK. Mr. Smith--this is my friend
Penny.
PENNY
Hi.
CALVIN
Nice to meet you.
PENNY
Im a big, big fan of your films.
SHELDON
What about his back hair?
PENNY
Its great. Um. Sheldon. Remember
the compliment you gave me earlier?
SHELDON
Yes. About how you hold up bottles
of ointment.
PENNY
As an actress. You like my acting.
CALVIN SMITH
Oh. Youre an actress.
PENNY
Yes. Yes. Um. I heard about your
movie, and I would love to audition
for a part in it.
CALVIN SMITH
Well. Were still looking to cast
someone for the role of Jenna--the
bubbly blonde assistant to Carl the
scientist.

10.

PENNY
Im blonde! Im bubbly!
CALVIN SMITH
Jenna is also a drug addict, and
she secretly moonlights as a
prostitute.
PENNY
I drink a lot of Red Bulls, and I
once tried on a pair of clear
heels.
CALVIN SMITH
Um. Great.
(to Sheldon and Penny)
I want both of you to audition
tomorrow afternoon.
SHELDON
Fantastic. That way we can carpool.
INT. LEONARD AND SHELDONS APARTMENT - DAY
Leonard and Sheldon are eating lunch.
Raj walks in.
SHELDON
Raj! Youre here!
RAJ
(matches Sheldons bizarre
enthusiasm)
Yes! I am!
SHELDON
Great. Now I can tell you that I
think youre a first rate chess
player.
LEONARD
(to Raj)
Sheldon is on a mission to win
friends and influencing people, via
compliments and smiles.
Howard walks in.
SHELDON
Howard--youre here!

11.

RAJ
This should be interesting.
SHELDON
Howard. I think you... I think
you... I think Yul Brynner is a
good actor, as is Penny.
HOWARD
Well. I think Mel Gibson is a real
nutcase, as are you.
Raj and Howard eat lunch with Sheldon and Leonard.
Raj studies Howard for five seconds.
RAJ
You had a fight with Bernadette.
HOWARD
How did you know?
RAJ
I can just sense things like that.
You know. Were in sync.
HOWARD
Well. I wouldnt describe it as "in
sync."
RAJ
Why not?
HOWARD
Because that makes it sound like we
menstruate at the same time.
SHELDON
So what happened between you and
Bernadette?
HOWARD
Um.
(looks around the room)
Who just asked that?
SHELDON
I did.
HOWARD
Since when do you care about
peoples relationships?

12.

SHELDON
I dont. Im just conducting my
experiment on winning friends an
influencing people. Chapter 6. Take
a genuine interest in people.
HOWARD
But you just said that youre not
genuinely interested in me.
SHELDON
Well. Lets just say that I had to
make a few modifications to chapter
6. You know. Since most people are
so unbelievably uninteresting.
Especially you.
HOWARD
Well. Right now, youre not exactly
winning me over as a friend or
influencing me.
SHELDON
I see. Well in that case, Id like
to retract my question about your
relationship.
LEONARD
Now thats the Sheldon Im used to.
The antisocial Sheldon--creator
of the Roommate Agreement and the
Relationship Agreement.
SHELDON
(offended / disagreeing)
Antisocial? May I remind you that
in Section 8C of the Roommate
Agreement, it states that if one
roommate gets stung by a jellyfish,
the other roommate must offer to
urinate on the first roommate
within ten minutes. Thats about as
pro-social as it gets, buddy boy.
LEONARD
(to Howard)
(changing the subject)
So what happened between you and
Bernadette?
HOWARD
Well. We were at a juice bar. And
she saw an old friend of hers. A
(MORE)

13.

HOWARD (contd)
male friend. Who plays pro
football. Roger Jones. A.k.a.
Reggie.
LEONARD
A.k.a. her ex-boyfriend?
HOWARD
Well. They wouldve dated. Only
Roger was in a relationship with
Bernadettes friend at the time.
SHELDON
And what type of juice did you guys
order?
HOWARD
Excuse me?
SHELDON
Im genuinely interested in the
juice--but Im not genuinely
interested in your relationship.
HOWARD
(to Leonard and Raj)
Anyways, judging by what i saw at
that juice bar, it seems like Roger
is still hung up on Bernadette.
RAJ
So what?
HOWARD
Well. For starters, now she has the
upper hand in our relationship.
RAJ
Well whats so great about this
football player, anyways? I mean,
has he won any Super Bowls?
HOWARD
Three.
RAJ
Oh. ... Id like to retract that
last question.

14.

LEONARD
(to Howard)
Well. Look at me and Penny. We have
a great relationship--and she used
to date a lot of athletic guys.
RAJ
(to Howard)
Yeah. Penny used to date a lot of
athletic guys.
LEONARD
Hey! What do you mean she "used to
date a lot of athletic guys?"
RAJ
You said it before I did.
LEONARD
But I didnt emphasize a lot.
RAJ
Neither did I!
LEONARD
(to Howard)
The point is, Penny has...
retracted her relationships with
those guys.
HOWARD
But this is different. Bernadette
and this guy havent already
dated--so now theyre both
wondering what it would be like for
them to be together. And, um--when
the two of them were talking at the
juice bar, I could just sense there
was some sort of connection. I
mean, it was all in the eyes. The
eyes dont lie, chico.
RAJ
Youre just imagining things,
chico.
SHELDON
(to Raj)
What makes you so sure, Raj? Did
you see their eyes?

15.

RAJ
Well. No.
SHELDON
Howard did. And there is some
validity to his theory that the
eyes dont lie, chico.
LEONARD
Why are we saying chico?
SHELDON
I dont know.
(to Howard)
Now, Howard. Tell me. On a scale of
one to ten, how dilated were
Bernadette and Rogers pupils, and
was there any indication that Roger
was aroused in the groin region?
INT. HOWARD AND BERNADETTES BEDROOM - DAY
Bernadette is in bed watching TV, and Howard is on the floor
doing pushups. He cranks out a few, and then stops.
BERNADETTE
Since when do you do push ups?
HOWARD
Oh. Since my rookie season with the
49ers.
BERNADETTE
(in a semi-annoyed, "get
serious" tone)
Howard.
HOWARD
Listen. I do push ups, Bernie. Its
just something I do.
BERNADETTE
I didnt know that.
HOWARD
There are a lot of things you dont
know about me.
BERNADETTE
Like what?

16.

HOWARD
You ever heard of a movie called
Fight Club?
BERNADETTE
Yeah.
HOWARD
Well. The original title was The
Life and Times of Howard J.
Wolowitz.
BERNADETTE
I thought that was the original
title of the movie Jackass.
HOWARD
Whats that supposed to mean?
BERNADETTE
Listen, Howie. All I want from you
is for you to be Howard J.
Wolowitz, a.k.a. my wonderful
husband. OK?
He climbs into bed and kisses her.
He climbs out of bed, and continues doing push ups.
BERNADETTE
Howard!
HOWARD
Im trying to focus here. I gotta
one up you.
INT. CAR - DAY
Penny is driving, and Sheldon is in the passenger seat.
SHELDON
You look kind of nervous.
PENNY
Im not kind of nervous. Im
extremely nervous.
SHELDON
What about?

17.

PENNY
What do you think?
SHELDON
Well. Im not good at making these
kinds of guesses. But Ill give it
a go. Now, lets see. Youre a
woman. And based on what Ive seen
on Sex and the City, Id say that
99% of womens concerns have
something to do with their romantic
relationships. So Im guessing that
youre nervous because you think
Leonard--a.k.a. Mr. Big--is having
an affair with a woman named
Natasha. Or maybe Leonard is Aiden
in this equation--in which case,
youre nervous hes gonna find out
about your affair with Mr. Big.
PENNY
... You watch Sex and the City?
SHELDON
I watched three episodes of it with
Amy. It was quite
entertaining--although I didnt
care much for the sexually themed
material, and the lack of space
travel.
PENNY
I see. Well. I agree that Sex and
the City shouldve had less sex and
more missions to other galaxies.
But heres what Im nervous about.
My audition.
SHELDON
Right. Yeah. That wouldve been my
second guess.
INT. BAR - DAY
Bernadette and Amy are having a drink.
AMY
So. I hear youre involved in a
love triangle.

18.
BERNADETTE
Its more a case of Howard being a
jackass. I dont even know what
hes doing. Last night, he didnt
even try to have sex with me. He
was too busy doing push ups.
AMY
Well. I actually discussed the
whole thing with Penny. You know
Penny--right? My best friend?
BERNADETTE
Yes.
AMY
And she said she thinks what Howard
is doing is kind of nice. Its
romantic.
BERNADETTE
But hes being distant towards me.
And I just--I dont understand him.
AMY
Oh. Well, I gave up trying to
understand men on November 17th,
2011. That was the day Sheldon made
me sign the Relationship Agreement.
BERNADETTE
Right. The relationship agreement.
Um--where is that brilliant
boyfriend of yours?
AMY
Well. Hes auditioning for a role
in a $100 million movie--as is
Penny.
BERNADETTE
Um. How did that happen?
AMY
Well. As part of some sort of
bizarre psychological experiment,
Sheldon has recently devoted
himself to winning friends and
influencing people. Nowadays, hes
chock full of smiles and
compliments--and from time to time,
he even feigns an interest in other
people.

19.

BERNADETTE
How charming.
AMY
Oh, yes. Yesterday, he complimented
me on my exquisite taste in
cardigan sweaters. And earlier in
the day, he also complimented the
back hair of a movie director--and
that somehow led to him and Penny
getting movie auditions.
BERNADETTE
Oh. Well, when hes done with his
audition, I need to talk to him
about something.
AMY
Um. Im not so sure I feel
comfortable with you having a
one-on-one conversation with my
boyfriend. You know. Now that hes
so charming. I mean, after you hear
a couple of his compliments, youll
almost certainly end up pursuing a
romantic and/or carnal relationship
with him.
INT. AUDITIONING ROOM - DAY
Sheldon is reading lines with an ACTOR, while a CASTING
DIRECTOR (male, 40) and OTHERS (mostly male, 25-50) watch.
SHELDON
My brother? Forget about my
brother. Hes a good scientist--not
a great scientist.
ACTOR
But hes working with Nash.
SHELDON
Who cares about Nash?
ACTOR
Nash has the plutonium.
SHELDON
This isnt about plutonium! Now if
youll excuse me, theres someone I
need to go kill.

20.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Well. That was good. Can you do it
again, but a little faster?
SHELDON
Sure. But before I do, I think
nows a good time to bring up some
issues I have with the script.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Issues with the script?
SHELDON
Yes. I actually took the liberty of
rewriting this scene so that its
not completely stupid.
CASTING DIRECTOR
We paid $2.7 million for this
script.
SHELDON
Well. Its certainly not up to the
caliber of Iron Man. Or Sex and the
City.
WRITER
I wrote the damn thing!
SHELDON
Well then you know that its not
worth $2.7 million. Anyways...
He takes a sheet of paper out of his pocket, turns to the
Actor and begins acting out his new version of the scene.
SHELDON
I dont care if Nash has the
plutonium! Plutonium balonium! Im
gonna slaughter Nash! Slaughter, I
tell you! And as for my brother,
hes an idiot! He might have
memorized a few facts
about chemistry--but he doesnt
possess the true genius that
resides in my Newtonian-Einsteinian
brain. When my brother watches me
working on a new formula, hes like
a dog watching a person do long
division. If I could, Id put him
on a leash! Ruff, ruff, ruff.
The Actor stares at everyone else, looking confused.

21.

CASTING DIRECTOR
(to Sheldon)
OK. I think weve heard enough.
SHELDON
Great. So when do we start
shooting?
The Casting Director gets on his phone.
CASTING DIRECTOR
(into phone)
Tell security that we need them in
room 402 immediately.
INT. SHELDON AND LEONARDS APARTMENT - DAY
Penny and Sheldon walk in.
LEONARD
So. How did the audition go?
PENNY
Well. They said they really liked
the way I played a scientists
assistant. But they didnt really
think I did a convincing job
playing a prostitute. I think their
specific feedback was, "Youre not
quite whore-ish enough."
LEONARD
Well. You got half of the role
down. And for the record, when I
saw you rehearsing for that role
yesterday, I thought you seemed
like a real prostitute. I mean, not
a real one. I mean, youre a real
prostitute when youre acting--and
not when youre having sex for
money. Not that you have sex for
money. You have sex for free. And
just with just me.
(to Sheldon)
So. uh, howd it go for you?
SHELDON
Fantastic.
LEONARD
Really? You got the part?

22.

SHELDON
Well. Not quite. They liked my
performance--but then we ran into a
few creative differences, and I
ended up throwing their $2.7
million script in the garbage, and
making their screenwriter cry and
threaten to slaughter me.
LEONARD
Um. That doesnt sound like a way
to win friends and influence
people.
SHELDON
I suppose not. I probably shouldve
complimented the casting director,
and feigned an interest in his
stupid, meaningless life.
PENNY
I shouldve done that, too.
SHELDON
(to Leonard)
Nevertheless, the day was actually
a real triumph for me and Dale
Carnegie. Because while I was
waiting for Penny to finish her
audition, I came across Stan
Lee--and about five minutes after I
complimented his mustache,
he agreed to drop
the restraining order he has
a against me. In fact, Im going to
his house tomorrow to play Mario
Kart.
LEONARD
Im a tremendous Mario Kart
player. Can I come?
The doorbell rings. Leonard opens the door to reveal
Bernadette.
LEONARD
Hi.
BERNADETTE
May I speak with Dr. Cooper,
please?

23.

SHELDON
Bernadette! Youre here!
INT. HOWARD AND BERNADETTES BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bernadette walks into the room and hands Howard some papers.
Howard looks at the top sheet.
HOWARD
Why would you bring over Amy and
Sheldons relationship agreement?
BERNADETTE
I didnt. Look at the next page.
This is our relationship agreement.
He flips the page.
HOWARD
Have you lost your mind? I thought
I married Bernadette
Rostenkowski--not Sheldonette
Cooper.
BERNADETTE
Just read it.
HOWARD
"The Relationship Agreement, by Dr.
Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz
and Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper?!"
And Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper?!
Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper co-wrote our
Relationship Agreement?
INT. LEONARD AND SHELDONS APARTMENT - NIGHT
A knock is heard on the door. Leonard answers it to reveal
Howard.
HOWARD
Hi Leonard. May I have a word with
your roommate, Dr. Sheldon Lee
Cooper?
LEONARD
(loudly)
Dr. Cooper. You have a visitor.
Sheldon comes out of his room.

24.

SHELDON
Howard! Youre here! Now I can tell
you that I think you have an
excellent sense of direction.
HOWARD
You helped Bernadette with a
Relationship Agreement?
SHELDON
Yes.
HOWARD
... Is that all you have to say?
SHELDON
Yes. Unless you want me to
compliment something else about
you. Like perhaps the way you drank
Tang on the space shuttle.
HOWARD
Im not in the mood for your
compliments.
SHELDON
Well, then. Goodnight.
He begins walking back to his room.
HOWARD
Um. This conversation isnt over.
SHELDON
Oh. I suppose you want to do some
sort of Q&A regarding the
Relationship Agreement.
HOWARD
Q&A? Actually, Id prefer to put my
foot up your A. But heres my
main Q.
SHELDON
Let me guess. You want to know why
your Relationship Agreement has no
jellyfish clause.
HOWARD
No. Heres my first Q. Why do you
have to be such a pain in my
A? Why did you help Bernadette with
a Relationship Agreement? Youre
(MORE)

25.

HOWARD (contd)
not exactly winning friends and
influencing people right now.
SHELDON
I beg to differ. After spending two
hours working on that relationship
agreement, Bernadette and I became
much closer friends. In fact, the
next time you see her, tell her
that I said hi.
INT. HOWARD AND BERNADETTES BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bernadette is in bed, filing her nails.
Howard walks in.
HOWARD
I just saw Sheldon. He says hi.
BERNADETTE
How nice of him. So--are you gonna
do some push ups now?
HOWARD
Yeah.
BERNADETTE
You can do up to 20, according to
the relationship agreement.
HOWARD
I didnt sign the relationship
agreement.
BERNADETTE
Have you read it yet?
HOWARD
No.
BERNADETTE
Well. Ill read it to you.
She grabs it from the nightstand and starts flipping through
some pages.
BERNADETTE
Now, most of this is stuff that Dr.
Sheldon Lee Cooper included. Lets
see. The Human alarm clock clause.
(MORE)

26.

BERNADETTE (contd)
Rules regulating the consumption of
hot and/or cold cereal. Heres a
paragraph about how you have to
watch three episodes of Sex and the
City with me. And, uh, heres my
section. "Bernadette agrees to love
Howard with all her heart. Shell
feel butterflies when hes around
her. Shell daydream about him when
hes not there. Shell urinate on
him whenever hes stung by a
jellyfish." That last line was
Sheldons. "And shell let him know
how great he makes her feel, by
making him feel the same way. And
why will she do all of that? Not
because shell be following the
terms a contract. Instead, shell
be following her heart. Thats what
she was doing when she married
Howard. And thats what she does
every day."
HOWARD
(touched, emotional)
Wow.
BERNADETTE
Howie.
HOWARD
Yes, Bernadette.
BERNADETTE
... Will you sign my relationship
contract?
HOWARD
I thought youd never ask.
He signs it.
HOWARD
And now, Im gonna make sweet,
sweet love to you. Just let me just
do one set of push ups first.
BERNADETTE
You know. Maybe Penny was right
about you.

27.

HOWARD
Wait. You agree with something that
Penny said about me? Um. Does that
mean you want a divorce?
BERNADETTE
No. Penny said something good about
you. She said the way youre acting
doesnt make you a jackass. It
makes you romantic.
HOWARD
You know what that means--right?
BERNADETTE
What?
HOWARD
It means that Penny... wants me.
Yeah. And do you know what that
means?
BERNADETTE
Youre a jackass?
HOWARD
No. That means you no longer have
the upper hand.
BERNADETTE
Im gonna stick with my original
theory.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Leonard and Penny are in bed.
PENNY
Let me ask you something. Are you
cheating on me with a woman named
Natasha?
LEONARD
No. Are you cheating on me with a
moose named Bullwinkle?
PENNY
No.
LEONARD
So. What role is next for you?

28.

PENNY
Probably not prostitute.
LEONARD
Well. My favorite role of yours is
Penny, the bubbly blonde actress.
PENNY
And I like you as Leonard, the
brilliant brunette scientist. ...
Um. One question. Do you really
think Im a good prostitute, or
were you just saying that to make
me happy?
LEONARD
I think youre a great prostitute.
She romantically cuddles up with him.
PENNY
Thanks, Leonard.
She kisses him.
PENNY
You always know what to say to make
a girl feel good about herself.
INT. JUICE BAR - DAY
Howard and Bernadette are in line.
BERNADETTE
Arent you glad we got out of the
house?
HOWARD
No.
BERNADETTE
I think last Sundays juice did you
a lot of good. It really energized
you. Remember how many push ups you
ended up doing?
Seconds later, KATE UPTON walks in and goes to the back of
the line, right behind Howard and Bernadette.
BERNADETTE
Well, Howie. Heres your chance to
one-up me.

29.
They stand silently for a few seconds. Howard turns to Kate.
HOWARD
Hi.
KATE
Hi.
HOWARD
Have you ever seen Fight Club?
KATE
Ive heard of it. I wanted to see
it when it came out. But I was only
eight, and my mommy wouldnt take
me to the theater.
HOWARD
Right. Well. Its a good movie.
Its based on a true story. Im the
true story.
KATE
OK.
HOWARD
This is my wife, Bernadette.
KATE
Hi.
BERNADETTE
Hi.
HOWARD
(to Kate Upton)
You know, my wife and I got into a
little argument last week, about
some guy who likes her. Hes
a professional athlete.
KATE
Wait a second. Im dating a
professional athlete. Are you
talking about my boyfriend?
HOWARD
No. Not everythings about you,
Kate. Anyways, I felt like I had to
one up my wife, because some three
time Super Bowl winner was
interested in her. So my plan was
to date a four time Sports
Illustrated Swimsuit model.

30.

KATE
Well. I already have a boyfriend.
HOWARD
Im an astronaut, by the way. Has
your boyfriend ever been in space?
KATE
I dont know. Ill ask him.
(calls someone on cell phone)
Honey. Some guy at the juice bar is
hitting on me. ...
(to Howard)
He says hes gonna come over here
and kick your ass.
HOWARD
You forgot to tell him that Im an
astronaut.