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Automatic Writing
CHAPTER 1

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Well, first and foremost, this is my first and possibly last journal written on
the computer. I added the possibly last because right now I sit in the
computer chair growing more and more frustrated by my inability to type at
a fast speed. But I suppose its something a writer eventually learns over
time (Like playing a musical instrument, script writing, brainstorming,
patience, and drawing practice). Its not impossible, but its frustrating, hard
to do, and it takes a lifetime to learn.

If I ever want to write that 400 to 600 page novel, Im going to have to get
more used to writing consistently on the word processor, because in the long
run it takes far less time to type up a manuscript on the computer instead of
writing down a manuscript by longhand and then typing it up on the
computer. Its easier in the long run, and it saves time, which is a very good
thing for a writer like myself.

The only other problem I have with writing on a computer is that on a page
written on the computer, the words are a lot smaller, so it takes a lot more
time to fill up a page, which sucks! But then again, its just another thing
you learn when youre adjusting to this new and more advanced way of
writing.

I wouldnt really call myself the king of anything, except one thing, and that
is procrastination. Yep, Ill admit it. Im pretty lazy sometimes. Guess Ill
just have to get back to the regular schedule that Ive already written down
for myself. Instead of lying on my bed and listening to music, I think Ill sit
at my writing and drawing desks writing and drawing while listening to
music instead. The thing about writing and drawing is that most of the time I
have to force myself to do it, otherwise Ill never get anything done, and Ill
just spend all my free time listening to music and reading, not that thats a
bad thing, its just that in the long run, Id rather be drawing pretty pictures
and writing down strange words.

Songwriters, poets, animation / movie / comic book / live action television

series scriptwriters, authors and journalists are all artists. Thats right, script
writing is an art form, except that the difference between script writing and

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book writing is that in script writing you have to convey a compelling story
through dialogue and actual physical visuals, because what you write is
going to actually physically appear on a screen. In books, you read all the
words and you get to interact by forming an image in your head using your
brain and imagination. But still, literature and writing can be other viable
forms of art, that is, if you craft them and develop them well enough.

Well I think when I become a big person (adult), I bet that Ill have gone
through a lot of changes.

Drawing and writing are fun! Sometimes I guess I forget that. If I think it
seems more like labor than fun, than Im obviously doing something wrong.
What everyone (including me) needs to do is live every day like it was their
last, because you never know when your time to live will be up.

If I were to live every day like it were my last and I fought, persevered,
worked hard, and also stayed on schedule all the time without hesitation,
then I think my life would be a lot more enjoyable, and Id finally feel like
my efforts were paying off with personal rewards. Id also feel like Id
actually be doing something useful with my time. I think I can enjoy my life
more if I follow these simple guidelines

I sense that the forthcoming weeks are going to go extremely well. I am

going back to animation lessons and Im returning to my creative roots and
getting back to full schedule writing, sketching, doodling, brainstorming,
typing, and drumming right after I finish tomorrows lesson with my
animation teacher, whos name, I might mention, appeared in the current
issue of Animation Magazine.

Ive been getting a lot of stuff done lately. Ive gotten more stuff done than I
thought I would. Its only taken me about two or three weeks to get to the
end of my new 300 page Harry Potter book, but thats because Ive been
reading it so consistently, (two chapters a day). Damn! If only my writing
rate could be as consistent as my reading rate. Oh well, Im only 16 years

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old right now and I so far dont have a real job, but one day I will so I can
worry about it then.

Feeling better then usual because just last night I actually drew something
again! It was a rough sketch of a human figure running. While I was sitting
at my drawing desk and sketching I drank from a big cup of Diet Pepsi. To
keep my nerves calm and relaxed even more, I put on a Matchbox 20 CD
and listened to it through my headphones while I was attempting to go back
to sketching and drawing again. And guess what? The whole experience was
relatively painless. For some strange reason, going back to being
constructively creative (on time, for once) again was a lot less painful than I
thought it would be. Actually, it wasnt painful at allIt was really exciting,
interesting, soothing, invigorating, and fun, to my surprise. So whenever I
want to forget about my problems, Ill just draw. Or if the mood strikes me,
sit down in the computer chair and type away, or even sit down at the
writing table at my work desk and write something by hand, because thats
always fun too. But if none if the aforementioned things work, I can always
lie down on my bed and read some book, comic book, screenplay, or
magazine. Or I could listen to a CD, cassette, or audiobook. Ah, life is good,
at least so far.

In the past couple months Ive learned so many cool new things. Marketing
deadlines, royalty checks, agents, editors, publishing companies, publicity,
manuscripts, bestseller lists, query Letters, proposals, pitching ideas,
contracts, and an awful lot of stuff about drawing and writing in general.
With all this new information, youd think my brain would overload and
explode from too much super information, but somehow its maintained and
stayed intact. Now its only a matter of time before I get the drawing and
writing or writing and drawing work (whichever you would rather say) done
and I put my knowledge and skills to good usage. Ha. Anyway, my only real
basic goal is to be able to make a living off of my creative ability

The way I see it, there are a lot of things a person can do to be successful,
but theres two key elements. The two Ps: Practice and Persistence. If you
want to type faster, practice. If you want to be a better inker and penciller,
practice. If you want to be a more efficient script writer, then practice,

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dammit! But the only way one can get oneself to be a more efficient
practitioner is through Persistence. The two Ps may not seem to be useful at
first, because the theory known as instant gratification does not apply to the
two Ps. In my book, the days of instant gratification are long gone. From
now on theres only practice, persistence, patience, in-depth education, and
finally, that is after a hard days work, long term gratification.

Theres a whole crap load of stuff I still have to learn yet. Inking, anatomy,
manga and anime drawing styles, drums, guitars, keyboard, poetic and song
writing rhythm, perspective, classical animation, technical animation stuff,
directing, journalism, computers, psychology and a couple other things, but I
think Im well on my way to learning most of them. Phil, my animation
teacher once said that If you learn too many different thing, then you
become the master of nothing. I on the other hand think that that statement is
just not true. One can eventually come to master a lot of different things if
they perceive, study the things and practice them for the rest of their life, or
at least until they get too old to think and move anymore. To be quite honest,
I think all this practice of doing the things I love will eventually consume
my entire life, but I love doing and studying the new things Im learning as
well as the old things. In a way, each of my creative journeys has been a
child to me. I treat all of them with equal respect, with no one thing in higher
regard than the other one. I try to nurture each and every one of them as
much as I can, and Ill be spending most of my life with all of them.
Everyday theres new things to learn, and every day brings new insight and
new enjoyment. Maybe Ill do one thing for a while and when I finish that
one thing, Ill start working on something else, but during the time I was
working on both of them I was doing another side project the entire time.
Thats just a little bit of insight into the way my hectic and weekly (if not
daily) schedule works.

No matter what drawing style your trying to achieve, it really, really helps if
you just sit down, learn, practice, and then achieve and be satisfied with
being able to draw and sketch basic human anatomy and basic perspective.
After you think you know the basic stuff by heart and have mastered it,
which could take you a while, then move on to the more advanced stuff.
After youre sure you got everything down pact, then keep on practicing
every thing youve learn until you become an old senile geezer, then wither
and shrivel up and die.

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When I get older and have more time on my hands I think Ill study up and
get myself more educated and study up on the theories of Darwin and
evolution as well as atheism, which doesnt believe in Faith. I believe in
atheism because its a very skeptical point of view. Because I do think I
believe in the theory of evolution. I also possibly believe in non-religious
apparitions and the possibility of life on other planets and other parts of the
universe, though I feel stupid admitting that I actually believe in ghosts and
aliens. I also like Buddhism, because Buddhists dont believe in a real life
deity, much like atheists. So if anything, Im a skeptic who believes in the
theory of evolution. I also believe in myself, optimism, and the power of the
human mind. Like Ive heard many people I know say, but Im going to add
a thing or two to this saying. It doesnt matter if you have faith or not and it
doesnt really matter if you believe in a God or not. In the end of youre life,
all that really matters is that you have something to believe in, whether it be
Buddhism, Darwinism, aliens, patriotism, ghosts, or even an all powerful
deity, because thats what really keeps people going from day to day is their
beliefs. Somehow belief usually motivates people to keep on living from day
to day, but the scary thing about it is that it usually confuses people as well
as keeps them going. Thats probably why some people choose to have no
belief at all, because they would rather not have to deal with the nonsensical
confusions and limitations.

As a persons life progresses, usually that person learns to grow more and
more tolerant of those little or big inconveniences in their life. The things I
grow tolerant of but will probably never accept are religion, boredom,
cynicism, medication, Marvel Comics, and non-motivational and noninspirational things. Ill never accept any of these things, but somehow Ive
learned to tolerate them. I dont know how but I believe that its come from
the power of my mind. Ive done this by trying to see things in a more
positive light. I know that sounds pretty cheesy, but I think that in a way its
partially true. Besides, half of them I wont even have to deal with when Im
an adult, so I suppose I could at least tolerate them during my teen years.

Animation is just as legitimate an art form and a business as comic books

and painting are. Animation requires many years or even a lifetime of

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practice. It requires concentration, relaxation, hand-eye coordination, an

acting ability, timing, mathematics, and accuracy to successfully and
professionally animate something and bring that two dimensional character
or object to life, and make it three dimensional and lifelike. Cartooning and
comic book art involve extremely good storytelling skills, like animation and
many other creative fields, creative writing being one of them.

I think I know who I am now. Im one lonely, misunderstood, outcasted,

creative, smart, person in a godless world, simply deep down wanting to do
nothing more than make a difference in this world, be at peace with myself,
etc., make a living for myself and make other people feel better about
themselves ,and not feel so alone, like me. I try to educate myself as much as
possible about the field Im trying to work in before I go out and actually do
it.

Deep down, in my opinion that its up to the artist him/herself what style of
art they choose to use for a living, because whatever sort of thing an artist
likes drawing, that is what they should draw. And yes, drawing courses,
instructional books, and a college education dont hurt. As a matter of fact,
they really do help, though it does really depend on what type of courses,
books, and colleges you use. That can really affect how well youre
educated. Choose your sources wisely and you will 99% of the time come
out on top.

I did some more writing and sketching today. Two pages of sketches and a
half a page of journal writing on the computer as well as two chapters of the
second Harry Potter book read. Not bad for a day where I didnt use a
schedule. When I finish Leaf Season Im going to work on Poem and
Songwriting, drawing, journal writing, script writing, drum practice,
exercise, reading, as well as script writing. So even after Ive finished the
final draft of the story Ill still be pretty busy.

I wonder what the difference is between directing film and directing

animation for television. I think if I read and learn more when Im young,
that will better prepare me to write professionally when I get older. When I

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grow up I want to be a creative storyteller. When youre directing animation

you have to know your art.

When directing film, the director must collaborate with everyone who makes
the movie possible, but mainly with the cinematographers, editors, and
actors. Cinematographers and Editors do their best work when the director is
contributing and setting high standards for design. You must be an
extremely good and creative visualizer and experiment with different
perspectives and points of view in order to eventually put things in sequence.
Storyboarding out scenes is crucial. For instance, after large portions of the
script are storyboarded the director is able to see the dramatic flow of the
story in a way that the screenplay fails to reveal. Moreover, the process of
visualizing on paper is a technique for generating ideas, not just establishing
the plan for the production team to follow on the set.

Now I have a pretty impressive collection of Help books. I have books on

the process of Animation from script to the screen and the technical drawing
aspects of animation. I have books on the technical aspects of comic books,
from understanding the art of comic books to the business aspect of comic
book writing to drawing comics the marvel way. I have books on drawing
for comic strips. And as for film and literature, I have books on the technical
aspects of directing, screenwriting, and the physical approach to acting. For
literature, I have books on fiction writing, grammar and style, travel writing,
creative writing, getting published, freeing my creativity, building believable
characters, as well as encyclopedias filled with occult and clichd sayings
definitions. In other words, my personal library is an information
supermatrix. My CD, video, magazine, videogame, drawing and writing
collections are also almost as big.

I like learning directing and learning how to use the right side (creative side)
of my brain more effectively. Drawing puts me in an altered state, like
meditation, and writing. Its a great way to escape from reality. The same
goes for comic books, books, movies, t.v, jogging, driving, and listening to
CDs and tapes, because they all put you in sort of an altered state. It helps
me kill my anxiety, shut my mind off and relax. That just might make it
easier to get the work done. The book Drawing on the right side of the

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brain will really help me to learn to draw better than I already do. I think
just being able to draw better will help me to learn visualization,
proportions, and perspective. There are a lot of little differences between
drawing for animation and drawing for comic books. Cartooning involves a
lot of different things, but the basic things in it are Penciling, Inking, and
Lettering. But the real advantage of making and indy comic and doing it
yourself is that you get to develop your own method of doing things. Your
own personal schedule and your own techniques. You can break all the
comic book rules that mainstream people hold in such high regard. Thats
probably why independent comic books have such a personal, original,
distinctive, and stylized look to them and Marvel comics (well, most of them
anyways) almost always look the same.

I like the art of comedy writing. But comedy writing should be about more
than just cheap laughs, lame clichs, bathroom humor, and predictable plots.
Comedy can have many other things in it than just comedy, like Clerks, Pulp
Fiction, The Simpsons, and independent humor comic books that win Eisner
Awards.
Will Eisner is god. Thats all I can say after looking at the Will Eisner
Sketchbook. And to think that when he was working on the Spirit that he
actually penciled and inked an entire detailed comic book page each day.
The stereotype that gets in comic book artists minds that says that if you put
out comic book artwork more constistantly, than your going to put out a
crappy comic is a lie. Probably the most important skill in comics is to be a
reliable deadline meter. Its a far more important skill in the hectic, rough
and tumble world of comics publishing than artistic brilliance.

You have to be able to do a lot of things in order to be able to truly draw and
be an artist. To work in regular drawing, animation and comics. Your
drawings should always start out rough and sketchy (Theres always time for
clean-up and inking later. Pencil lightly, and dont pencil too hard. Be able
to make many drawings of life and quick sketches ( from your observation)
of humans and animals in motion. Each drawing should be able to make a
statement by itself and tell a story. Just draw exactly what you see and dont
get stressed or think while your drawing. Dont name or categorize the
things that youre drawing when youre drawing them, otherwise the left
side of your brain will switch on, and when youre drawing youre only
supposed to use the right side (creative, visual, and non-verbal) side. Learn

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to master perspective, anatomy (the human head and body) positive and
negative space, and depth. Also learn dynamasy, light and shading, as well
as foreshortening. And if you invented a technique you like to reach a
certain point in a drawing, remember what you did. If youre an animator,
master the quick sketch as best as you can and act out what youre trying to
have the character your drawing do, because it helps. Use a light table and
pencil test machine when youre animating. Absolutely dont be afraid to
mess up on one drawing, because if you do than just simply crumble the bad
drawing up (its just paper) and start again, and draw the picture over and
over again until you think youve got it just right. Think of characters and
backgrounds as three- dimensional objects.

There are a lot of things a person can learn to make themselves smarter.
Business (stocks, etc.), Art, English, Grammar, Literature, driving, cars,
film, computers, Science, History, Politics, Publishing, Producing, Law,
Music, Animation, Cartooning, Math, Philosophy, Journalism, Geography,
and Programming are some of the hard to learn things that can make a
person smarter and possibly richer if they learn these things.

I just hate not being able to come up with stuff to write. Its kind of like
solving a big fat mind puzzle

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 2

P a g e | 12

P a g e | 13

If I write, read, and draw all in a day, or if I just do one of these things
consistently, it puts me in a sort of bliss-like state. In a way its heavenly, if
there is such a thing. My goal is to be in a constant bliss. Research can be
fun to get inspiration from. But now Im writing and drawing even when I
dont feel like it and even though Im not inspired to do so. Its like the right
side of my brain is constantly on now and I gotta say that I love it.

I look up to Tim Burton for a lot of reasons. Hes done a lot of things that I
want to do. Hes graduated from the CalArts character animation program
and became an animator for Disney Feature Animation, but he stayed true to
the Indys by doing many non-mainstream things. He went out and made
many memorable movies, created the stylistic stop motion film The
Nightmare Before Christmas. Hes also directed a commercial in a foreign
country and hes even put out the demented storybook The Melancholy
Death of Oyster Boy. So hes done a lot of stuff in his career.

I like the idea of writing a big continuous story for animation, books and
comic books. A lot of Anime and comic book series like Dragon Ball Z and
Sailor Moon. For books its Harry Potter. For comic books its a lot of
different books, but especially the mainstream ones. Theres just something
that feels less disjointed about them. To do a continuing story, usually you
come up with one main plot, but never finish the main plot unless you want
to end the series. After you show the audience the main plot you can take
lots of different directions with many mini plots and self-contained stories.
And every so often you give away a piece of the big picture to keep the
audience even more entertained and in even more suspense. The thing I
dont like about mainstream comics is that you almost never ever see the
characters change. Some comics like Bone and Preacher pull off the selfcontained short mini-plots better than others do. What it all boils down to, is
that a comic in order to be good and possibly successful it not only has to
have a good plot and tell good stories. It also has to have good style, design,
sequential art, layout, and characters. But what it all comes down to is will
the comic be good enough to stay in the readers mind after their done
reading that issue or trade paperback. Will it make the reader want to come
drooling and crawling back for more entertainment? Good comic books do
that. They make you want more. Another question is will the comic better
help the reader better understand and look differently at human nature,
storytelling, art, and life or modern life in general. Good comics are heart

P a g e | 14

and eye openers. Comics can be as complex as the creator and reader wants
them to be. In other words, after the comic book consumer has thumbed
through the issue in the store, shelled out their hard earned money for it,
taken it home with them and read it, the damn thing better be worth the
dollar ninety-five the new reader or fan paid for it. Other wise whats the
point?

Now Im just churning out drawings and writing like theres no tomorrow!
Pretty soon Ill be back up to working (drawing and writing) for six to eight
hours a day. Now instead of watching television I read books, magazines,
catalogues, listen to music, work on my art and writing and play Final
Fantasy 7, Zelda 64, Resident Evil 2, and Crash Bandicoot instead.

I think Im finally learning what it means to be a true professional working

writer/artist. Unfortunately my methods up until now hadnt been very
professional. JtHM and Bone forever changed the way I look at what a
comic book can do, humor, myself, society, and life in general and they
changed it for the better. They opened up my eyes to comic books and
society.

You know, I think my art style, writing style, and directorial style might just
take the media world by storm. What with my style, how the hell could I
loose? I guess its a possibility, like many things.

Beck, the Smashing Pumpkins, They Might Be Giants, Primus, and Nine
Inch Nails. Those are real bands that know how to make memorable music
and write good lyrics.

Ive learned that the more time you spend watching TV and movies, reading
books, and listening to music, the more time youre spending contributing to
other peoples success and thats less time contributing to your own by
working and practicing. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this week I
cranked out a whole butt-load of drawing and writing work. I got a new

P a g e | 15

record. Forty-one drawings done in one week and when I showed them to
my art teacher at lessons he barely changed any of them.

I love that Toonami show on Cartoon Network. I love it! I like all the shows
on it, with the exception of that Reboot show.

I know that what I do is never going to be entirely about the money, but
about telling great stories for people to look at and read or however else they
might enjoy my characters, ideas, and creations.

Its time I started thinking less about earning money and more about doing a
hard days work and doing a good job. People who dont have creative jobs
are depending on people like me to provide them laugh invoking and
thought conjuring entertainment, and I just cant possibly stand the idea of
letting people down and disappointing them. I definitely dont want to lose
my work rate and consistency. Thats the last thing that I want to do. I
havent played the Playstation and Nintendo 64 in a while. I think Ill do
that.

Creativity is my life and I cant stand the thought of deserting it for some
other hobby, unless were talking about directing, but thats a creative job as
well. Inkers and painters are probably pretty decent regular artists as well.

Ive always wanted to write one big epic adventurous story. In my opinion
its a great idea with many fun possibilities.

Im sick of feeding myself the same Im too lethargic and unmotivated to

do anything, especially work or play line which is complete and utter B.S. I
need to stop telling myself that. Its just plain wrong and stupid. I know that
deep down I really am motivated and I really do want to do a lot of hard
creative work, because deep down I know that its going to pay
offeventually.

P a g e | 16

In my opinion, when youre doing character design in animation, you should

make your characters appealing in one way or another. Just dont make them
so cutesy-wootsy looking that the adult viewer wants to jump in to the
animated world, punch the damn character in the face and choke the fucking
life out of them and smack em over the side of the head.

Out of all the writers Ive heard of, the most interesting seem to be novel,
animation, magazine, screenplay and comic book writers. They seem to have
the most enthusiasm for what they do. Some of my favorite script writers are
Paul Dini, Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino, Garth Ennis, Jeffrey Scott, J.
Michael Straczynsky, Michael Ryan, Neil Gaiman, Brian Holgiun, Frank
Darabonte, and Chris Carter. These people are good at what they do, which
is writing scripts. I like writing scripts. Its fun to do.

I know even though Im slightly more social then I was before, but not much

You know, I think that maybe independent comic book creators, writers and
artists are a lot less full of themselves than independent movie directors, or
just plain movie directors in general. Im not stating this as fact because I
dont know if its true, but hey, maybe it just might be.

Not sure what keeps drawing me back to this word processor on thcomputer
time after time or what draws me back to the drawing board in my room
time after time, or what draws me back to those comic books time after time,
or even what draws me back to reading all my books time after time, or even
listening to music time after time. It must be the enjoyment and fun, either
that or some supernatural addiction. That and the fact that they keep me
company when Im lonely even though theyre not remotely human, but hey.
Fun! I feel more lonely than usual when Im around unsupportive people
that I dont know. I somehow feel less lonely when Im doing something I
enjoy.

P a g e | 17

Have encountered some big videogames in my time like Earthbound, FFIII,

Super Mario 64, Zelda 64, Chrono Trigger and Pilotwings 64, but I dont
think Ive encountered any as big as Final Fantasy VII. It has more of
everything you could want in a Final Fantasy game. More characters, more
music, more items, more discs, more control buttons, more weapons, more
materia, more spells, more levels, better graphics, more enemies and more
and bigger bosses! The thing I like about Role Playing videogames is the
fact that you can immerse yourself in the story, characters, music, graphics,
and the videogame world. Like reading books, comics, watching movies,
going on the internet, listening to music and playing certain other
videogames with good stories, characters and graphics, its a great form of
escapism.

How ironic. For once Im about to finish an assignment.

Without left-brained serious adults the world would probably be in an

irresponsible kind of chaos, but without right- brained funny creative people
the world would lose some of its opinions, sense of humor, and originality.

Would like to have a wife and a child or a family, but if the price of being a
celebrity means that you cant truly trust anyone who already knows what
you do to truly love you, than I guess thats the price you have to pay for
being rich and famous. That seems to be mostly what I talk about in my
journal now is success, but I try not to because those arent the only things I
care about. I care about love, happiness, success, artistic integrity, creativity
and becoming content. Im happy writing, drawing, and being creative in
other ways like directing, coloring, inking and other things.

Honestly cant figure out whether Im miserable or happy. I think Im sort of

both. Socially, Im miserable, but creatively Im very content and happy. So
I guess Im suffering and winning all at the same time.

I hope I get to keep a TV, laptop computer and videogame systems in my

room when I go off to college, so that I can play computer games,

P a g e | 18

Playstation, N64 and SNES during breaks when Im not working on my art
assignments in college.

You cant let people bum you out when everyones trying to. Like E from
the eels says. You could throw it back at them, but than you play their game.
But I know that Im going to win. Theres nothing on TV anymore, except
cartoon networks Toonami and Cartoon Cartoons, as well as Foxs Monster
Rancher, Kids WB!, and Foxs Sunday night lineup.

I like that Half-Life game. You can shoot at aliens and unsuspecting
scientists and stuff. When I get to work on a project, Im going to have as
fun a time as I can. I hope theyre as fun as my relationship with my
animation teacher. When we have lessons, we have a real good time, tell
some jokes, learn some things from each other, get drawing work done, and
are good friends in the process. That would be cool, working in media arts.

When youre animating, have the model sheets and storyboard paper so you
can see them clearly. You also have the exposure sheet and recorded
dialogue to listen to. Learning to draw the characters may take anywhere
from a few hours to several weeks. Unless the construction of the characters
is understood, there is a danger that the proportions will go astray during the
heat of drawing the rough animation and all the animation will have to be
redrawn. Why risk it? Learn to draw the characters and know their
construction.

Too many kids and adults take their imagination and creativity for granted.
Some people cant write creatively or draw, but they can do other things.
Some of them can run the country. Community service and Im still the
mack.

There are a couple of things I want to buy when I get the money. A laptop
computer for using a word processor and computer games. An acoustic
guitar for music making and song writing. Photoshop, a scanner, and a

P a g e | 19

printer for coloring my artwork. An expensive camera for taking pictures

and a camcorder for making movies, and home videos.

When you become a celebrity, youre almost always guaranteed to let some
people down eventually, and when you become a celebrity you really dont
have a choice if youre set up for public criticism. Eventually someones
going to criticize you. That happens to you even if youre not rich and
famous.

IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 3

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I think its healthier to an artist (not their ego) if they dont surround
themselves with only people who kiss their ass and compliment them. There
should be people that give you constructive criticism. Thats how you win in
the entertainment business, by not keeping your ego too inflated. This has
been the beginning of the rest of my life, yet in the back of my mind it
somehow feels like a downward descent. I know! I could call it My descent
and spiral towards madness and a hectic fucking life. Jhonen Vasquez, Tim
Burton, Garth Ennis, Stephen King, Kevin Smith, Evan Dorkin, and Paul
Dini are a few of my many gods. Theyre my version of god, because I dont
believe in one.

The advantage and fun of being a fiction writer is getting to write characters
that do, say and think things that you, the writer, would probably not do.
Some of them do what you would do in the situation, but not most of them.
You get to take your readers or viewers into another world, maybe even
universe. You get to create your audiences escapism for them.

During the Oscars theres almost always a movie that gets a whole shitload
of nominations but goes home with no awards at all. Thats got to be a
disappointing feeling if you were one of the people that helped make that
certain movie, especially if it didnt do that well at the box office. I might
just do commercial artistic work before I go into the indies.

P a g e | 21

I think that when I get older, I might just turn into a creative workaholic. All
this work stuff, whether its working at my day job, drawing for
commisions, writing in my journal, drawing for lessons, or any other work,
its all wearing me out big time.

Im good friends with Johnny B, Phil F, Amanda M, Chris Hand Jason C.

Im buried in work. I have too much of everything. Too many books, CDs,
videogames, comic books, instruments, and computer games to buy, play,
watch, listen to and read. I have too many goals and careers to accomplish. I
have too many notes, writings and drawings in my room already, and I still
have to do seven drawings a day and one page of computer journal writing a
day. I have too many forms to read and fill out for my job today.

Well, today I just handed in the paperwork to my new day job and Leslie
took me on a tour of the supermarket. Im going to start working at my day
job this Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I work different days next week. Just
because I now have a job doesnt mean my personality and creative mind are
going to conform any more than they did. I just wont be at home as much
and Ill be getting a paycheck here and there. I am however going to be more
worn out than before, so its going to be tougher then before to get at the
word processor and drawing board, but Im sure Ill force myself to manage.
Either that or DIE! Mwahaha! See, all this work and I still manage to
maintain my sense of humor, fortunately, although Im sure when a lot of
other people start working for the first time, they somehow think of
themselves as less humorous and lose part of their originality, optimism and
sense of humor. Its because work can really wear you out. Logical enough.
People start working, people turn insane, cannibalistic, disgruntled and
homicidal. People implode and their eyeballs go flying across the room.
Makes sense.

Watching Dragon Ball Z, while the Ronin Warriors is on the telly. Im cant
say exactly why. It must be because I like DBZ better than the Ronin

P a g e | 22

Warriors. I use to hate Dragon Ball Z, but Ive already seen all the episodes
of Sailor Moon that they play in the U.S, and theres just something about
Dragon Ball Z that draws you in. It must be the animation and special
lighting effects. Theyre almost hypnotic in a certain kind of way. Now that
Pokemon showThats just a stupid show. It doesnt even compare to
Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball Z, and the Ronin Wariors. And now Toonami is
adding a new show to its arsenal on March 6th. Its called Gundam I
think, and It looks pretty cool and the animation looks good. But then again,
in a way, all Japanese animation looks good, but thats because its so
detailed. Those Japanese people mustve stumble upon an animation secret
that we filthy American pigs never really found, and it shows when you look
at their animation and then you look at our animation. Theres not much of a
comparison as far as detail and special effects are concerned. Theirs is
better.

Now that Im going to be working for the local supermarket starting out as a
bagger, Im going to need to learn the things that go with working as a
bagger, like how to bag the food, and how to walk with people out to their
vehicles and put the bags in their vehicles for them. Theres a 90 day
evaluation period, so Im going to have to remember a few things, like dont
take tips during the first 150 days just to be safe. Because theyll send people
out disguised as customers during the evaluation period to see if you take
tips, and if you do from those people the store will find out and they can fire
you and will if they see anybody tipping you. I also need to know things like
how to read the work schedule and how to clock in appropriately, or what to
do in case of a holdup, bomb threat, shoplifting, etc. I think that Ill be able
to get how to do my job properly after Im working there for a while.

Sometimes I wonder what my birth parents are like, but most of the time I
appreciate the family I have now. Most of the time it helps to live in the
now, not the past, not future, though Im looking forward to it, but the
present. Thats probably how you get things done faster, because if you do
nothing but prepare for the future, you end up neglecting the present, and if
you live in the past, you usually also end up neglecting the present and the
present is what youre physically living, though maybe down the road theyll
invent (time) machines that make it possible to physically live in the past
and present. If that happens, than I guess people will be able to make
exceptions.

P a g e | 23

I wonder how Im going to get extra time to take the extra college classes
while Im in high school and going to work. Im pretty sure theyll let me
take extra time to take the college classes. Im going to have an extremely
busy schedule. High school, my job, the extra college classes and writing as
well as drawing at home. I wonder if Ill ever have time to rest and sleep
again. And if the illustration project leads to other work then Ill have even
less time to do extra things. Although Im sure now that Ive got a job, it
wont be as hard buying the acoustic guitar, The Idiots Guide to Playing the
Guitar, the new Beck CD, that Need for Speed computer game as well as
saving up all the rest of my money for college.

Im probably going to have to get used to the grocery store becoming a

second home to me. After it should since Im going to be spending multiple
hours a day there. Right now I cant think of anything to write about. After I
get home from work (Jesus Christ, that sounds like an adult statement. More
adult than the word Fuck in fact) it will probably be past 10 oclock.

Whoa! Ive thought up over 40 different episode premises for my potential

animated series.

Since I cant think of any other thing to talk about, than I think that Ill talk
about money. Im going to have quite a bit of it in the next couple weeks. Ill
spend a little bit and Ill save just about all of it for college and a car. And
even though I have two jobs, that doesnt mean that Im rich. Theyre not the
best paying jobs in the world, but $5.50 an hour ain't a bad starting salary
and I like both my jobs.

My first job was getting paid $5.50 and hour working as a courtesy clerk.

If you want to be an animator, you have to have a lot of things. You need to
know how to draw rough, quick gesture-style drawings of people and
animals in motion. Animators must know life drawing, human and animal
anatomy, acting, timing, weight, momentum, and inertia. An animator needs

P a g e | 24

the skills of a costume designer, knowledge of set design. An animator must

be a good graphic artist with a sound knowledge of structurally strong
draftsmanship and an understanding of perspective. The animation artist
must learn many skills of the cinematographer. For example, in making a
choice regarding the perspective of a background, the animation artist is
making a decision similar to that which the live-action cameraman makes in
the choice of lens. The sense of composition and staging that is the stock-intrade of the live-action cameraman must become second nature to the
animator. The animation artist must be a film editor, making decisions
regarding the rhythm of cutting, continuity, etc. Sound editing decisions are
also important. The animator must understand the suitability of the music;
the choice of the narrator; the relative sound levels of music, voice, and
sound-effects tracks; and the synchronization of these tracks on film. Above
all, the animation artist must be a filmmaker, controlling the form and design
of all the elements that combine to make a film.

Just yesterday I dropped the two drawings I did for the illustration off at
their house, and got paid with a $40 check. Goddamn it, it felt good to get
paid after all that time. It felt just as good, however to get the two signs
finished. Now Im rolling in the dough, because probably in a week or two
Ill get a check from my day job. After I sort all my money that I earned out,
Ill probably buy that guitar, CD, computer game, and than onto my story
and saving as well as practicing my drawing for college.

As far as entertainment goes, as long as its original, different and offbeat,

than Ill probably dig it. For comic books its Johnny the Homicidal Maniac,
for movies its Pulp Fiction and Clerks, for books its Stephen King and
Dave Barry, for music its They Might Be Giants, Primus, Beck, the
Barenaked Ladies and Nine Inch Nails, for television its Sam and Max,
Spawn, Futurama and Daria as well as Seinfeld, Frasier and The X-Files.
That must be why Im trying to make my concepts as funny, weird, offbeat
and out there as possible. I want to push the envelope, piss some people off,
and make a few people uncomfortable, but above all I want to entertain
people and not bore them to death, and if no one else is entertained by my
nonsense, than at least Ill have entertained myself if not anyone else. I dont
want to really shut everyones mind off. I want to make them laugh and
maybe just maybe make them think.

P a g e | 25

Im now about two paychecks away from getting that guitar. Im going to
get a few things done tonight before its too late and I have to go to my job
tomorrow. Im going to write in this journal, practice my drums, draw for
Phils lessons, and read Animation from Script to Screen. And yes, probably
in a couple days (if not sooner) I will get my slack ass back to working on
Leaf Season again. I wish I could find a place that tells you what are the best
selling independent comic books of the week or month. I have to practice
my artwork if I want to get as good as Evan Dorkin, Jeff Smith, Dave Sim
Todd McFarlane and Jim Lee, just like I have to practice typing on the
computer if I want to be as consistent as Stephen King

Now that Im getting more used to going to my job, I think Ill start writing,
drawing, playing video games, reading and listening to music as well as
radio in my spare time.

You know, I was just thinking like usual, but then I came up with another
interesting idea. What if you could mix the animation and special effects of
Dragon Ball Z with the writing of the Simpsons, Futurama, King of the Hill
or Spawn? There sure are a lot of cool new animated shows that are going to
be coming out soon, like Clerks, Gundam Wing, Doomsday, that new show
that Jhonen Vasquez is working on with Nickelodeon, as well as God, the
Devil, and Bob.

I do a lot of things at my new job that I have at the supermarket. Bag

groceries, make sure I double the heavy stuff, clear the lot, help some people
out with their groceries and get tips from a few of them, collect my paycheck
every week, put up with nice as well as snobby and mean, sweep, mop clock
in, clock out, go on breaks, etc, etc. Now my creativity is an even more
valuable asset to me because it helps me escape from the hell that is middle
class normality. I want my life when I grow up to be new and fun, not
redundant and boring like most 9-to-5 jobs.

P a g e | 26

I tend to express my deeper feelings through my writing and drawing ability.

I wonder when inspiration is going to strike me again. I sure hope it hits
soon. Big words have always fascinated me. I absolutely love writing in this
journal, but maybe I should do other things with my time, like drawing for
lessons or getting back to working on the Leaf Season project so I can finally
get it out there for people to read. If I want anyone else besides myself to
read it, Im going to need to finish the rough draft soon.

To be quite honest, now that Im doing so many things, I dont know what it
is that I do the best. After all, I do a lot of things. Ive got about one third of
a page to go in order to finish off this journal entry. Hot damn I love putting
exclamation points at the end of my sentences!
When that movie The Sixth Sense comes out on video, Im definitely going
to rent it since I didnt get to see it in the theatre. I see dead people says
little whats his name in that movie. Ive still got about two years left till
college so I dont have to worry about building a strong portfolio just yet,
but soon enough, Im going to.

I feel good. Im making money. I actually finished an art assignment as well

as got paid for it. My musical tastes are expanding. I am getting closer to
getting out of high school. I honestly cant find much to complain about. My
parents CD-to-cassette recorder is busted so I cant make mix tapes that have
my favorite songs on them. Oh well, I think Ill just look through Dads CD
collection to pick out some classic artists to listen to. I like an eclectic mix of
different music. I wonder what my guitar playing will sound like when I get
good enough at it to play my own songs. I want to be able to strum with a
pic as well as sing the lyrics. Poor man wanna be rich. Rich man wanna be
king. And the king aint satisfied till he rules everything. I think Mr.
Springsteen said it best. I dont know why it is, but I feel more comfortable
writing on the computer when at first no one can read what Im writing but
me. Its because what I write is so deeply personal. It comes straight from
my mind and heart.

I like college and indie stuff. I like indie comic books, music, and movies.
Ill name the smaller guys and who distributes the smaller guys, at least
where I live. The Enzian, Park Ave CDs, Waxtree Music, 91.5 FM, 120

P a g e | 27

minutes, Virgin Megastore, Adventure into comics, Oni Press, Slave Labor
Graphics, and Miramax. Also the Sapphire Supper Club, House of Blues and
other concert places

Well, I did a couple things about two days ago. I finally went to the Park
Avenue compact disc store and absolutely loved it. They had a whole
shitload of college albums. They have all my favorite bands there and a
bunch of stuff that I havent heard of but would probably enjoy. They had
both Yo la Tengo as well as Isotope 217 so I bought those two CDs. I would
have bought John Linnels solo album but didnt have enough money to get
three CDs. Im going to go back to the store pretty soon to see if they have
other CDs by my favorite bands and other bands that I havent heard much
music from but want to hear. The only thing about the store that I didnt like
was that I think their alphabetical CD arrangement was a little bit out of
order. However they do have all kinds of music there. Alternative,
experimental, indie as well as local. I also got a free Yo La Tengo poster
with the new album that I just put up on my wall yesterday. The cool thing
about the store is that if you buy certain CDs they give you free bonus stuff.
Other bands I want to look for in that store next time I go there include
Reverend Horton Heat, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Phish, and Skinny
Puppy. Of course they probably have plenty of stuff by They Might Be
Giants and Primus, but for some reason I have more fun and fulfillment
when I search for and find harder to find bands and CDs. Oh yeah I almost
forgot to mention that I also bought a guitar that day. It was an acoustic, sixstring, metal string, Ibenez guitar. Now I not only have a Drumset and
Keyboard but a guitar as well. With the guitar I also got a book called The
Idiots guide to playing the guitar. Thats right, unlike the other instruments
Ive played, Im going to teach myself to play the guitar. And no, just
because Im also taking up playing the guitar doesnt mean Im going to
abandon or neglect drawing, writing, listening to music and the radio,
playing video games or reading. Im still going to attempt to maintain a
healthy schedule and creative equilibrium. Im not forgetting all my morals,
humor and ambitions either. Its just that my life will be even more
goddamed hectic!!!!!! But hey, I still have yet to see that other CD store,
called Waxtree music.

I went to Waxtree music yesterday, and their selection wasnt half as good
as the selection at Park Ave Compact Discs in winter park. However,

P a g e | 28

Waxtree did probably have a better selection of Industrial music than Park
Ave. They had a lot of Skinny Puppy CDs including the new B-side
collection, which I plan to buy. I cant wait to get back to playing Need for
Speed III, Half-Life, and Riven which my dad has reinstalled into the
computer. Theyre all fun as hell computer games. Just as fun as Final
Fantasy 7 and Zelda 64.

I like not only alternative, jazz, classical, soundtrack, 80s, swing, ska, punk,
funk, surf, experimental and industrial. I also like experimental/dance/techno
music. Bands like Isotope 217 and Buckshot Lefonque. There are many very
good bands out there that not a ton of people know about. Music, music and
more music. I seem to have been obsessed with talking about music ever
since I found that new Park Ave. CDs place in Winter Park. Since I now
have a job, Im going to take $10 out of each paycheck and put it towards
buying a CD each week. $16 from the paycheck and allowance to put
towards spending combined with tip money will give me a chance to buy
plenty of CDs before I get out of college as well as comics, a book here and
there as well as some miscellaneous stuff like guitar picks and drum
equipment. So even though Ill be saving tons of money, Ill be able to
spend some as well.

I sure do love weird stuff thats not too indicative of the reality I live in. Im
not exactly sure why that is. Since this is a journal, I do talk about
whatevers on my mind. I have to go to my job today. Dammit! Oh well, I
do get my big fat paycheck tomorrow, which is always a very nice thing.
There are so many bands CDs that I havent bought yet that I want to buy.
Its like my music listening and buying is taking the place of everything else
I do in my spare time ever since I found two things. Park Avenue CDs and
91.5 FM. because they both always have music I really like. All the weird,
catchy and funky stuff thats hard to find.

P a g e | 29

IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 4

P a g e | 30

If I go into film and writing novels, than to meet my own standards Im

going to need to come up with a couple novel ideas and a couple film ideas.
I already have one good, but not fully developed film concept and one good,
but also not fully developed novel concept. I want my ventures to be
triumphant accomplishments and pieces of entertainment, not dismal
disappointments to everyone. Unfortunately that means that Im going to
have to work my ass off one way or another, otherwise Ill never actually
accomplish my dreams and theyll be nothing more than interesting concepts
in my head. I have so much noise in my head that its tough to concentrate
solely on one thing. I am my own worst critic and I need to be in order to
improve. I have to get my art and writing to the point where to me at least,
none of it seems forced. So I can get it to a point where its not as hard for
me to do as it used to be and Im pleased with the results. The next thing that
I have to teach myself is how to start over if Im not thinking that it was my
best effort and Im not completely pleased with the result. A thing I havent
been doing in the past because I gave into the temptation known as lethargy.
Well from now on, fuck lethargy. Instead of talking about all this shit Im
going to do, Ill do it for a change. There is no try, only do, as Yoda once
said. I think my animation teacher is hopeful that Ill teach people how to
draw when I get older. Maybe I will and maybe I wont. I think it will also
help if I live on work impulse. I think Id get more things done if I did. If I
want to go play videogames because I get tired of sitting at the computer,
then Ill do just that. And if I want to sit on my lazy slack ass and draw for
thirty minutes or an hour, then Ill do that.

P a g e | 31

I think Im becoming quite the Indy man. I like things that dont get enough
exposure. I like anime television shows and videos, manga, alternative /
indie rock, college radio stations, college albums, videogames, indie comics,
and reading novels. I also like independent film. Taquitoes, Chalupas,
Whoppers, peanut butter covered bagels, and Pizza Hut Pizza are all good
too, but theyre all fattening and dangerous to your health if theyre not
taken in moderation. Im on a quest to get back down to 200 pounds again,
which means I cant succumb to all my hunger urges. I also have to weigh
myself constantly. I only have an hour left till I have to go to my job once
again and stand on my feet for four or five hours. If there comes a day when
money just starts pouring in from my jobs that Ill be doing when I get out of
college, I know what Ill do aside from the obvious stuff. Ill go into a book
store or go on the internet and track down all the books on my lists and buy
them all. Then Ill go back to Florida and into Park Avenue CDs or some
other good c.d. store find all the CDs on my list, buy them and pick out other
CDs by other bands I havent heard of and buy all of them. And finally Ill
go into a bunch of different comic book stores and pick out Independent,
Mainstream and Manga comics, and blow yet even more of my money. I
also plan on traveling to Japan, but of course Ill do a lot of research on
Japan before I go.
I sure do like to surf the internet a lot and find cool stuff. I waste too much
of my time on unimportant things. I just destroyed part of my diet by putting
too much peanut butter on my bagel. I now like J-Pop and J-Rock, which
means Japanese Pop and Rock music.

I like to draw and write. Thats all I want to do. That as well as produce,
play musical instruments and direct among other things, but above all, draw
draw draw. Write! I know Im somewhat good at doing those things so Ill
make a note to do them a hell of a lot in the future. I have to make creative
work hours a part of my life from now on, even if I do also have a 15 hour a
week job at Goodings as well, but hey, we all learn to cope and manage our
time somehow, right. Im going to have to get work done before I play, and
then some, whatever that means. Drawing and writing work assignments are
a lot more fun than most 9 to 5 jobs any day. There must be some different
type of method of drawing that the Japanese artists are using to produce that
complex looking manga and anime. Most of us American artists seem to
lack the training, discipline and knowledge to draw like the Japanese do.

P a g e | 32

I know what I want to do if I get wealthy or a lot of money at one time or

another, and that is move to Japan for a half a year or a year. I think Im
turning Japanese, I think Im turning Japanese, I really think so. Hee, Hee!
After all I do like Manga, Anime, Japanese writing, Japanese speech,
Japanese people, J-pop, and J-rock. Ive even tried Sushi and I sort of like it.
I think if I live in Japan for that long than Im probably going to want to
have a job while Im there. I could go to a Japanese anime school and get a
job as an anime animator or write a novel. I am going to have to learn a few
things to adapt to the Japanese culture if I want to live there. Im going to
need to learn how to read and speak Japanese as well as write it, learn how
to keep a bank account in Japan, learn the customs, use Japanese money,
transport my junk to and from Japan, Ill also have to learn how to get
around Japan. After all, it is an extremely crowded city. I have to also make
sure that I have an American laptop computer and VCR among other things.
When Im there I not only want to adapt to the culture, eat the food, buy the
merchandise, and tape the anime shows, but I also want to see the sights. But
before I hurry up and rush over to Japan, I want to do a lot of important
things in America before I do Japan and then come back to America.

Im really learning a lot. I was just reading about the Buddhist religion in
class today. I think I might also try to be Buddhist as well as Atheist and
Agnostic. Buddhists dont really believe in God, so I dont have to worry,
but they do believe that desire will end in suffering and rebirth. They believe
that when you stop feeling attachment and desire towards things in this
world, than you will reach a stage of enlightenment called Nirvana and not
have to reborn again and live another life full of attachment, desire and
suffering. Buddhism and the Shinto religion are both the main religions in
Japan. And Im not considering adding Buddhism into my belief arsenal just
because Im thinking of visiting and maybe living in Japan for a while. I
might also be able to go to Korea after High School if I get one, two or three
thousand dollars, because Miss Choi said that she has family in Korea that
speak English and would let me stay with them and show me around Korea,
but what I would have to pay for would be my plane ticket, food and the
souvenirs I buy there. If I want to visit Korea and live in Japan for a while
than Im going to have to learn how to read and speak Korean as well as
Japanese. I know some languages Id like to learn. Japanese, Korean,
Spanish, French and Italian. I also think that Im going to live in New York

P a g e | 33

and California before I try to go outside of the good old USA. Im learning
Korean from Miss Choi and sort of learning what some Japanese writing
means right now so Im off to an undoubtedly good start.

I hope I get rich and famous so I can go traveling, among other things.

I think that I have something significant to contribute to the world of

literature. Like Stephen King has this thing where you take some of the
scariest movies youve seen, combine that with a generally American
writing style, as well as a touch of modern atmosphere and Shazaam, you
have a trademark Stephen King book that constantly gets on the Bestsellers
List.

If Im going to be part Buddhist than that means Im going to have to think

clearly, work hard and meditate to seek enlightenment. Im not Shinto, but
Im part Buddhist. Im also going to have to stop desiring so much and
feeling attached to things so much. Just earlier today after I stopped drawing
and sat Indian style on my bedroom floor and meditated. I concentrated on
thinking about how and if I got wealthy when I got older.

I still have a few things to do today. I have to draw one or two more things
for lessons tonight. Im very proud of the other drawings Ive done so far
earlier this week. I have to meditate, and I also have to play videogames
sometime this week. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I got my prescription
astigmatism-correcting glasses today and they really help my vision. I can
read all kinds of signs far away on the road now. The only things Im
probably not going to use them for is writing and drawing. Maybe playing
drums and guitar, too. Theres also a few things that Im going to do that
arent on my schedule, like buying and eating more sushi, meditating, using
Corel Draw 8, using Meavis Beacon School of Typing, and learning business
as well as learning Korean, Japanese and Spanish.

In the end since Ill have probably have been on both sides of the battle, than
Ill probably end up asking myself that eternal question, which is Whos

P a g e | 34

right, the mainstream people who exercised their talent to the fullest and
marketed themselves who made the tones of money and fame or the indie
people who didnt sell out, didnt sell their souls, stayed true to their
ambitions, as well as resisted the temptations of fame and money to stay true
to their fans and themselves. Heres the catch. You not only need to eat and
put a roof over your head, but you also need to stay true to yourself and be
what you think you should be, so it sort of makes me wonder if there is a
nice comfortable middle in between both of these gray areas. Youre
obviously a rather smart person if you can figure out how to travel through
both of these barren lands without snagging any of the booby traps on the
way through.

There are a couple things that Id like to point out to myself so that Ill be
able to improve some of my flaws. I have to learn to listen to other people
and use criticism to my advantage. The second thing is that Ive noticed is
that when Im having trouble drawing something, if I get frustrated a lot of
the time Ill give up way too easily. I cant give up, especially in the
professional art and writing worlds. There are too many people that are
depending on me. There is no time or room for quitters in the entertainment
industry. It is a business after all and businesses have to fire people who
dont do any work for them. The final thing Ive noticed is that I take
hiatuses and breaks very frequentlytoo frequently for my tastes. Its not
like my work will suffer if I dont let myself off as easily as I used to. Its
more likely to improve than suffer in the long run. Also in reality, nothing is
easier or harder to draw than anything else.

For some reason Id feel uncomfortable if something I made had good sales
just simply because my name was on it. That would be rather weird, but I
have absolutely no control over whether or not that happens. If you make it
big, than things like that happen all the time. I think too much about what
could happen if success starts knocking on my front door. Its time to get
back to thinking about failure, because thats what I was in my mind to
begin with. I hope I dont fail and grow up to be a fucking nobody, because
thats what I already am. No girls will go out with me. Only the ones that I
dont like that much will, but I dont want them one bit. They sure do want
me though. Im a very lonely person. I like to spend time with myself. You
can call me narcissistic or antisocial if you choose, but I like being alone a
lot of the time. Im part Buddhist now so I try not to feel desire or

P a g e | 35

attachment towards human contact. I feel very anxious and guilty when I lie,
but I dont know why. There are a lot of good people in this world, but there
are too many bad and misguided people in this world. Too many sour apples
fucking up the tree. I think I might be one of them. I hope not. I cant
determine if the good outshines the bad. I in a way indulge the darkness in
my heart by thinking bad things, which I can be good at doing if I want to.

What makes good writing good writing is writing that not only makes us the
audience for the story, but also participants. Its a good story when were
laughing along with the characters, getting really pissed off at some of the
characters who were put there for us to hate, and crying along with the
characters. Also when were scared at the same time the characters are
scared. If my stories can somehow manipulate the audiences feelings and
emotions, than I guess that means that Ive done something right.
A sickening amount of cruelty, pettiness, shallowness and prejudice
somehow manages to find a home in so many unsuspecting peoples hearts
and minds.

I think Ive progressed a lot as a writer and an artist as well as a person in

the past couple years. I think now that Im practicing a lot more than I used
to, than that probably means Im much more talented at what I do than I
used to be. I honestly dont know why Im an intelligent person or why so
much strange wisdom pours out of my mind, but I am and it does for some
reason that I dont think Ill ever really know.

I guess you could say that Im on a constant search for enlightenment and
happiness. That must be why Im part Buddhist now, because Im always
trying to make myself smarter. Im definitely going to lose weight, work on
Leaf Season some more as well as try to make some money. Through the
enchanted magic of comic books Ive stumbled across the names of two
artist/writers that are very talented and brilliant at what they do and their
names are Terry Moore who writes and draws that wonderful piece of
continuing sequential drama known as Strangers in Paradise and Chynna
Clugston-Major, who is the woman that does Blue Monday. Two truly
talented people. Im going to have to throw most of my bad habits out the
window if I want to progress and improve as a person. God, so many

P a g e | 36

thoughts cross my mind each day. If there are any such things as miracles or
acts of God, than the shear volume of brain activity that possesses my head
would probably be one of them, that is, if they even exist in the first place.
However, I refuse to believe in a mainstream deity, simply because of the
fact that I believe that the only thing that should truly be guiding my
progress as a person is my mind and body, not some outer forces. That only
complicates things. When Im writing characters in my stories, Im going to
have to get into that characters mind and thought process, so that the
dialogue that comes out of there vocal passages sounds like that characters
dialogue and it doesnt seem forced. I want all my characters to seem as real
as possible, and that includes the antagonists. I want the reader to feel for the
characters regardless of whether they love or hate that character. I have yet
to see whether I can craft a good story or not. Sure Ive written stories
before, but I dont know whether theyll affect other people besides myself
or not until I actually get published and distributed as well as actually make
a living off of my writing. Its hard for me to believe that I actually have
made it past writing seventy different journal pages written on the computer
and havent gotten frustrated, cussed at the computer screen and given up
yet. Guess that fact alone proves that Im actually progressing.

If I release a book I seriously doubt that that Id read the reviews on the
Amazon.com website. Too many unneeded negative reviews that will kill
your self confidence. I might though, that is if my creative self confidence is
high enough. I have to say that that Holy Bible is very well written. Too
bad nothing in that book actually ever really happened though. People can
believe that situations written in that book are real if they really do want to,
but that doesnt make whats written in it true. Nobody can really prove if
its real or not, but some people who have obviously lost most of there
marbles will actually be pompous enough to try to convince other weak
minded people that the characters in that book actually exist. Oh well, not
everyone is going to wake up and see reality like some people who actually
have good judgment.

Now that I take the time to stop and think that what Ill primarily doing for a
living when I get older is something creative, which means that Ill most
likely have some things, but not others, unless I act in one of my movies,
make an appearance on TV or someone does an article about me. Well, we
cant always get what we want. Its a sad fact of life. I think that a lot of

P a g e | 37

people will probably know my name, but unfortunately for me I dont think
those people will have a hideous little haunting face to go with it. So even if
I do make it big in show business, I dont think that I should automatically
expect people to come out of the street from nowhere and mug me for
autographs. However, I can think of a few names people recognize that have
faces to go with them. Stephen King, Matt Groening, Mike Judge, Micheal
Chrichton, Todd McFarlane, Bill Gates, Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino,
Paul Dini, Garth Ennis, and Dave Barry to name a few. These are all really
cool dorks as far as I know. But I think that all writers and artists are really
just dorks in cool people disguises, and Im no exception to that rule.

I like what I heard on that Larry King Live show. One of the guests said
when youre given a choice between pleasure and pain, go with pain and
youll be a better person. Always go with pain. I think that that saying is
going to be very useful to me. Edward Lear was a very smart, but
overweight man, who not many people of today know about. Also, when
you get successful, its as if youve already finished your life before youve
died. Its not the destination, its the journey.

I think that those books The Millionaire Mind and The Art of Happiness will
make a good combination when I buy them. One is about thinking like a
millionaire and the other is about a Buddhists method to being happy. Both
of them seem like very good books, and Im going to probably buy both of
them eventually. Today I didnt think about my work too much and I
accomplished a new record. More pages of computer journal writing done in
a single day. Now all I have to do is seven drawings tonight and Ill have
another new personal record accomplished once again, though it might not
happen, but Ill have to see what happens. I have so many opportunities and
I dont want them to go to waste and die before I get a chance to use them all
and get really good at what I do.

I made a miniscule amount of money this week. I only made $35 in one
week when Im used to making 50, 60 or even $70 in one week. Im in a
state of Poverty right now. Before I go on and on about success and all the
money and fame I could achieve, I have to prepare myself for rejection and
failure just in case Im not as successful as Id want to be. I dont have

P a g e | 38

money right now. All I have right now in cash is a total of $96 in cash, and
Im going to put $60 of it in the bank to save up for college. Fortunately I do
have almost $1,000 in the bank saved up for college. This is just goddamned
great. The string to my guitar broke, I only made thirty-five dollars from my
job, and Ive had and cold. What a great fucking week.

I think I should familiarize myself with some educational things to make

myself smarter. I should learn things like current events, pop trivia, music
trivia, art, history, geography, math, English, Literature, Consumer math,
Science, politics and law.

Am curious about what Ill be doing ten or twenty years from now. There
are many possibilities in store for me in the future. I just dont know which
ones are going to be the most useful to me ten years from now.

I know ingenious movies when I see them, and Schindlers List is one of
those movies. One thing about the movie that captivated me was the reason
it was shot in black and white. Stephen Spielberg has said on Inside the
Actors Studio that the reason he shot all of Schindlers List in black and
white (with the exception of the little girl in the red dress) was because the
only photos you see of the Holocaust are in Black and White. Its ideas like
that that make good movies.

Talk about exposure. Thats what Im getting with my artwork, because of

the sign I designed for the veterinarian office. Jean said that about forty
people come through that office a day. If I had a dollar for every different
person that saw my sign, Id definitely have a lot of money. Id have a
website to display some of my work, but Im not that good at working with
HTML and I also dont have enough extra money to pay someone to design
a web page for me.

I want to learn how to write many different styles so I can turn them all to
my advantages. I like Suspense, horror, humor, historic, romance, science
fiction, and gothic as well as a little bit of subjects that are uncategorizeable.

P a g e | 39

People dont seem to like or want to think much for their own selves
anymore. They seem to let television decide for them. People also seem to
have bestseller lists for everything to tell them what they should and
shouldnt be entertained by. Movies, books, music, radio stations, as well as
comic books and television. The internet is the only thing that doesnt have
popularity lists, although Im sure there will be a most visited internet site
list printed somewhere sooner or later.

Today is Friday, which means I go through the usual Friday shenanigans.

Pick up my big fat paycheck from Goodings, read the Calendar and Rave
sections of the newspaper and maybe even the Dave Barry column in the
Living section. I also like to try to get as many things done as I can, like
usual, and prepare for the weekend. Its already the month of April and four
months into the year 2000. This weekend the main things Im going to focus
on are reading Painted Spider, writing the Leaf Season story that I love
to write, playing the guitar from the book I got, and practicing drawing to
hopefully produce some drawings that will hopefully be worthy of my
college presentation portfolio.

Today on Saturday, earlier today dad took me to buy a new big stereo for my
room and it cost about $84, but paying all that money was worth it. It plays
CDs, cassettes and the radio. It also has a controller and records CDs onto
cassette tapes. I havent tried to record a CD onto a cassette yet, but I think
that Im going to pretty soon.

Theres a lot of famous events and things I want to learn more about, like the
Holocaust, World War I, World War II, the Vietnam war, the Civil War, the
fall of the Berlin Wall, our American presidents, the Gulf War.

My television isnt as important to me as my drawing desk, writing desk,

drum set, c.d. players, stereo, Playstation, N64, Super Nintendo, creativity,
word processor, and guitar.

P a g e | 40

Fame and money used to be more important to me than they are now.
Theyre less important now because they come with little prices attached to
them and Im part Buddhist now so Im not supposed to desire them,
because supposedly theyll bring suffering, and I cant really argue with that
statement.

I love finding new excuses and reasons to get to my writing desk and
drawing board. Id be so bored without them.

My room is cluttered. I have videogame, music, movie, and comic book

posters on my walls. A drum set rests in the corner of my room right next to
my closet. Books cover some of my floor that have subject matter ranging
from creative writing to a biography of Edgar Allen Poe. Next to my dresser
are a few comic book boxes filled with back issues of comic books. I like to
keep my favorite type of comic books (Independents and black and whites)
out where I can see them and read them whenever the mood strikes me,
which is more often than Id like to admit. My favorite writers/artists are
Jhonen Vasquez and Evan Dorkin. Those guys are gods to me. Drawings
and writing notes are littered all over my room. I now also have a big boom
box to listen to tapes, CDs, and the radio. I have over seventy different CDs
stacked in piles in my headboard. My writing desk is placed right beside my
drawing desk, which has a cushioned chair in front of it. Basically, my room
has almost always been my sanctuary ever since I was a little kid. Its my
own little creative studio where I do a lot of my work and try to relax as well
as occasionally sleep, now and then.

Im getting paid minimum wage to be a courtesy clerk at a supermarket,

dont have a girlfriend, I dont do drugs, dont go to raves, dont drink
alcohol, Im not completely happy, Im over twenty pounds overweight, and
Im a writer as well as artist. Enough with the reasons to pity me. I dont
want peoples pity. I dont want fame. I dont want money. I dont want to
get laid. I dont want to be cynical.

P a g e | 41

I was offered a second commercial illustration gig today, this time for a
book.

Here are some Dragonball facts. There are three different Dragonball Anime
series. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT. Dragonball had 153
episodes. Dragonball Z had 291. Dragonball GT had only 64. The
Dragonball series is based on an ancient Chinese folktale called Journey to
the West: The Legend of the Monkey King. The creator, Akira Toriyama,
actually based Goku on the Monkey King from the Shinto religion, which is
based on ancient Chinese philosophies.

IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 5

P a g e | 42

Theres a saying out there and Im not sure if its true, but, it says that
Those who can, do. Those who cant, teach. I dont know if that saying is
true.

I now have a few new things on my mind. One being that Ive decided I
might want to by a few new things later on down the road, like a home
theatre (or private screening room), a wide flat screen TV. and a DVD player
to own.

There are a lot of disadvantages to getting older. Wrinkles, loss of bodily

function, loss of penis function, senility, disease, bills, taxes, lack of
happiness, jobs, marriage as well as divorce.

Sometimes Im so fucking lazy that I disgust myself with my own lethargy.

Ive had about one billion too many days where I never got around to
reading, never got around to doing a lot of drawings, never got to play
Playstation, didnt have enough time to watch TV and listen to music, didnt
do enough reading. Sometimes I act so lazy that it makes me want to cry
because I wish I would be doing more things than I really did. I especially
hate it when I cant even fill up an entire page of journal writing. I really,
really hope that I dont procrastinate this much when Im an adult and have
a full time creative job. If I procrastinate too much and dont end up getting
any real work done, than Im never going to make a ton of money and Im
not going to get anywhere. Yes, I did read, draw, and write today, but I

P a g e | 43

didnt do enough of these things for them to be considered real work.

However, not all was lost last week since today is Monday. A day or two
ago I did read the first chapter of Kimon Nicolaids drawing book, The
Natural Way to Draw, and did some wonderfully fun to do gesture drawing
exercises and I was very pleased with the results. That had to be the most
amount of fun Ive ever had just drawing in a long, long time, because I
didnt give a shit whether they ended up looking good or not. What I did
care about was the relaxed feeling I felt when I was doing the drawing, and
how I could practically feel the flow and movement of the lines as I drew
them and looked at them. And thats how I think more of my rough and
starting sketches should be done, or any of my creative work should be done
for that matter. In a relaxed right-brained state that shouldnt take much
trouble to get into.
I think that I end up doing my best work when I dont pre-set any certain
expectation for my drawing or writing except Have as much fun as I can
with my work, Dont force it. Have it come out of my brain naturally and
Make my work as entertaining and interesting as I possibly can. But I also
have to remember to keep all of the technical and realistic aspects of
drawing and writing as present as possible, so that it gives my work that
professional feel too it.
Some times I dont feel like myself. Some times I just feel out of personal
character, as if Im an entirely different person who isnt Joey Alberts but
still looks like him. But hey, I could always forget my troubles, and go the
shallow, sleazy route by having sex with a groupie who only wants me either
because I rich or because Im famous. Six of the best underground artists
that Ive seen recently are Evan Dorkin, Jeff Smith, Terry Moore, Dave Sim,
Chynna-Clugston Major, and Jim Mahfood. When I see certain pages that
theyve done in their books, their artwork just makes me stand up at
attention and go Wow! That is so fucking cool and so well drawn.

I actually knew J.M. Strebler when he was going to high school. He had two
pets, a cat and a dog, and was a big fan of underground comic books,
Stephen King and Kevin Smith. He loved cartoons, took personal lessons on
character animation from a guy named Phil Ferretti, and went to a private
school called Center Academy after he was discharged from a psychiatric
hospital for telling a very bad lie. As a matter of fact, I am him. That must
have been how I knew him when he was younger.

P a g e | 44

Jinnel almost always threatens to break up with him, and when she does
Andy cant think of anything more constructive to do than scream expletives
at everyone and everything. He almost never takes mom and dads advice
seriously. Though Im sure if he ever read this Im sure hed kill me. Not
literally, of course. Hes pretty good at some school subjects though.

Religion in this country has turned into a business, just like most other
entertainment mediums. It would be nice if organized religion was not just
one big sham. GOD should stand for Ghoulishly Organized Dumbness or
Good Old Days. Maybe it does, but nobody knows about it yet.

What Ive noticed is that some colleges like to go around bragging about
their alumni as if the only reason some of their alumni are so successful and
famous and rich is because they graduated from that school. Im talking
about film and art schools, of course. The sad fact is that there isnt one
perfect school out there that can automatically fulfill your dreams and
automatically make you rich and famous. College makes you more
knowledgeable and gives you nice creative people to interact with and it
costs a lot. It wont automatically give you fame and money as soon as you
leave the school...just the opposite. The fact of the matter is that youll be
more likely to owe the school money. Yes, there are some schools that have
a high alumni employment ratio and a couple big name alumni and special
guests. There are only two real truths that I know of about success. 1) that it
takes a lot of hard work to accomplish, and 2) its 95% perspiration and only
5% inspiration, although I think for me as of this moment its only 45%
perspiration and 55% inspiration which is very unfortunate for me as far as
work is concerned, unless were talking about my job at Goodings. Thats
nearly all perspiration and hard work.

I think another very talented songwriter is Eminem, also known as Slim

Shady. His lyrics show a spark of irreverence, rage, iconoclastic style, and
innovation that is very rare in modern music today, regardless of whether its
even rap music or not. Eminen raps about some very original and sometimes
grim topics, including his own alter ego, violence, masturbation, Burger
King, Carson Daly, Cannibals, Fred Durst, insanity, same sex marriages,
people who plagiarize him, Tom Green, Boy and Girl bands, premature

P a g e | 45

burials, the Grammys, and disgruntled employees, among other things. I

can only guess that thats why his album, the Slim Shady LP got nominated
for a Grammy Award under the category for best Rap Album

The internet is a powerful and wonderful tool. Some of my favorite things

on the internet are e-books, sound WAVs, MP3s, research, Hiro 2s website
and other online anime drawing courses, Napster.com, the JTHM sites,
slavelabor.com, Stan Lees new downloadable animated comic books, the
J-Fan website, Writers.com, Checkout.com., Amazon.com, WizardSchool
and WizardWorld.com, Cheat Code Central.com, Indyworld, and
Shockwave.com. You can look up info on almost any celebrity entertainer
out there, which is very cool. If you have any particular interests, than you
can find lots of stuff to help you know more about it. I find a lot of great
things online that have something to do with my interests.

Dragonball Z, Jhonen Vasquez comic books, Playstation, the Internet,

Stephen King books, They Might Be Giants and Primus, Frasier, Futurama,
The X-Files, Steven Spielberg films, Wizard Magazine, Rolling Stone,
Adventure Into Comics, Park Ave CDs, and Kevin Smith films. These are all
entertainment icons that got me into the entertainment business. Well,
theyre only a small percentage of all the things that make me love things
that can entertain me.

There are some cultures that are somewhat silent, but still very powerful
indeed. Theres the internet culture, the indie, and counterculture societies,
the rave and club culture, the zine cultures, the gothic cultures, the religious
cultures, the ethnic cultures, the political culture, the crime culture, the
educational culture, the law culture, the rich culture, the fashion cultures, the
advertising cultures, the ghetto and hood societys, the black market and the
drug culture. Although one of the ways to distribute the Indie, ghetto, rave,
and black market cultures is through the internet. Now there are some main
distribution markets such as television, radio, movies, videos, magazines,
books, comic books, VHS, and CDs.
What Im wondering is who exactly are the undiscovered celebrities who
start all these cultures.

P a g e | 46

The reason television and radio are censored the most is because any little
kid or easily impressionable person can buy a radio or television set and flip
through the different variety of stations that appeal to all kinds of different
people.

I would certainly like my writing and the projects I work on to appeal to

believers as well as skeptics, or agnostics and atheists. I hope that my stories
will bring them together so that they can set aside their differences and see
that their not that much different from each other after all. There are writers I
can think of that pull this type of writing off very well. Stephen King, Kevin
Smith, Jhonen Vasquez, Quentin Tarantino, Garth Ennis, Matt Groening,
Billy Corgan, and Chris Carter are some of the writers and creators that I can
think of who have believer as well as skeptical fans who all love their stuff.
They all write about God and religion very well.

There are so many different beautiful aspects to drawing and animation that
I disregarded before. Like when youre watching cartoons, youll notice that
in a finished piece of animation, as long as its well animated, youll see that
every animator that animated the scene put their acting ability into animating
that character and had to go through tons and tons of bad rough drawings
and sketches until they animated the character with their best drawings and
effort, and it shows when you watch the finished animation as long as you
know what the animation process requires. Im sure that animation directors
acknowledge all these little subtleties easily if they know what theyre
doing. Its kind of tough to pay attention to a cartoons writing and its
animation qualities at the same time.

If I really do go from animation to television to comic books to movies to

book writing, than I think that Im going to have to really, really be able to
get into what Im doing at that particular time. I cant just go through my
endeavors thinking Oh, well I wonder what Im going to move onto when
Im finished with this project. Im really going to have to concentrate on
what Im doing currently to do something of valor and quality that will
really entertain people.

P a g e | 47

There are times when I get lonely, like earlier tonight I imagined that a good
looking girl I saw at the supermarket suddenly strolled into my room and did
a lap dance, stripped for me, and gave me a hand job. I began to get aroused,
but then I suddenly snapped out of my trance. Yes indeed. Sometimes I do
get lonely and wish that I had a girlfriend, but I dont. So oh well.

Tons of people are asking me to draw stuff for them and work on other
assignments where I get paid. Its tough to do everything everyone asks me
to do.

I live a good life thats filled to the brim with opportunities. If I do get to
work on the project with Phil, I dont know exactly how much money it will
bring me, and I dont know how much money Leaf Season will bring me,
but Ill cross those bridges when I come to them, like my parents always say.
Phils a religious person, so maybe if he prays enough, than maybe, just
maybe one day his project will get picked up by a network.

Now that I think about it, there are a couple different ways to make royalties
off of a comic book you create other than by singular issue sales, and thats
by selling soft cover and hard cover trade paperbacks, t-shirts, hats, posters,
and lunchboxes which all equal cash going into the creators pocket. Yeah
you could call me a sellout for thinking about merchandise, but actually Im
no different than I was before, just more professional and business savvy.
Now I know that I definitely would like to hear from people who dig my
work. I want to get letters, go to signings, sign contracts, get nationally
distributed and get royalty checks just like any other artist and writer. In
other word, I want my creative work to eventually support me, just like other
creative people.

When I produce offensive material, Im more worried about who I entertain,

not who I offend.

I think that one day I might be famous, but I dont think that JM Strebler will
ever truly be a household name.

P a g e | 48

There are a lot of indie artists and writers out there that I absolutely adore,
and the artists are Evan Dorkin, Will Eisner, Jeff Smith, R. Crumb, Terry
Moore, Dave Sim, Jim Mahfood, Chynna Clugston Major, Jhonen Vasquez,
Mark Hempel, and Phil Hester. The writers are Kevin Smith, Garth Ennis,
Paul Dini, Steven T. Seagle (Drive-By from Oni Double Feature), Terry
Moore, Will Eisner, Jeff Smith, Evan Dorkin, Dave Sim, and Jhonen
Vasquez. Also Im not going to lie to you. I do have some favorite
mainstream artists and writers. For artists its Todd McFarlane, Greg
Capullo, Sam Keith, Jim Lee, Joe Maudreira, J. Scott Campbell, and Steve
Dillon as well as Alex Ross. My favorite mainstream comic book
writers.well actually I dont really have that many except Sam Keith, Stan
Lee, and Frank Miller.

Oh yeah, also, after watching part of the movie Contact, I think I believe that
religion is a theory that is exclusive to the human race. Animals dont know
what a God is supposed to be. Neither do insects or fish, so why would
Dinosaurs or Aliens know what God is. All we really know about
Christianity is that its a very well developed concept or theory as to how
Earth and the Universe got started. People dont really know whether its
fact or fiction. Some people think that they know that it is fact and some
people think they know that its fiction, but neither of them truly know
whether what they believe is the truth or not, otherwise either everybody on
this Earth would either believe in a God or they would be Atheist. If people
really knew if there was a God, than we wouldnt have half of society
believing and half of society not believing, which is really whats happening.

Epic things are cool, so to speak. When I think of epic and role playing, I
think of Magic the Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, Dragon Ball Z, the
Final Fantasy series, and Bone the comic book.

If theres one thing that I learned, its that even when you get signed by a
movie studio, publisher, or television, your creating doesnt reach the public
till anywhere from months to years later, because of all the other work and
production that other people have to do and go through besides you.

P a g e | 49

I like a lot of different foods. Some of them include Sushi, Spaghetti, pizza,
burgers, Pringles, potato chips, Pepsi, Gatorade, chocolate, cheese sticks,
union rings, Chalupas, breadsticks, French fries, Fritos, Doritos, donuts,
Yoohoo, peanut butter, bagels, ravioli, Taquitoes, nachos, hot dogs, meatball
subs, pickles, pares, cereal, coffee, hot chocolate, water, bread, mashed
potatoes, Caesar salad, macaroni and cheese, Kool-Aid, root beer, ribs and
steak

Ive decided that if Im working on my own stuff, than its probably unlikely
that Im going to censor my content or tune it down any, unless Im working
for a company like Disney and possibly Marvel, or if I think what Im
writing or drawing is too vulgar for even the most desensitized reader or
viewer or if I think that what Im doing doesnt have a point behind it or its
in bad taste. But if I dont think that its in bad taste than Im not going to
censor my work. My work is my work and no one elses, and true art doesnt
deserve the punishment of being censored. Im not afraid of violence, bad
words and sexual reference, as long as its written with intelligence and good
taste, and not vulgarly or irreverently, because thats what I think makes it
blur the line between artful and tasteless.

I think that as of this moment, Im going to take my life one step at a time,
going for one ambition at a time, so for a while at least, Im going to focus
all my energy on exercise and drawing. Thats right. Im returning to my
creative roots and Im going to be sketching, penciling and drawing as much
as I can in my free time, and on my breaks Im going to read The Natural
Way to Draw, play Playstation, N64, and computer games, read and write
notes, scripts and journals

P a g e | 50

IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 6

P a g e | 51

The two rooms that I spend the majority of my time in and basically live in
are my bedroom and the computer room which contains the word processor
and all of my favorite videogame systems.

Im going to have to start searching for new plot ideas pretty soon. During
break Im also going to have to get back to practicing my fiction writing. I
know that I love drawing, but I dont want my writing skills to get rusty
either.

Would one day like to be an animation director, but I would have to have a
sound knowledge of all the aspects of animation production if I want to
become an animation director. The director has to write the exposure sheets,
as well as go over layout, storyboards, animators, cells, inks, in-betweens,
scripts, sound, music, voice actors, backgrounds, casting, character design,
color and paint as well as camera operations. The director has to make sure
every single aspect fits together like a jigsaw puzzle. Ive already started to
gain more knowledge of the different aspects by doing a tiny bit of some of
these things like writing scripts, drawing storyboards, designing characters,
as well as animating. I like all of the jobs that Ive experimented in so far.

Went to lessons today, and my teacher was so impressed by the sheer

volume of work and the quality of it that he got a headache because he was
so overwhelmed. He said that himself. He said that the stuff that I showed
him this week was the best stuff Ive ever done so far. He loved the portrait

P a g e | 52

drawings, he loved the anatomy drawings that used construction shapes, he

loved the inked thug guy I did, he loved the pastels.

I like to call gesture drawings Noodle Doodles because thats exactly what
they look like. I dont think there really is a wrong way to do a gesture
drawing. As long as its loose, free flowing and it captures the essence and
gesture of the object or person, than youve done it correctly. To me, for the
way I draw now, theres nothing worse than a stiff and rigid drawing.
Looseness usually makes for a better drawing, even if youre inking or
drawing backgrounds. The way they end up looking when theyre finished
doesnt have to be loose, but the way an artist draws them should be.

I thought Id have more to say at a time like now, but I guess not. All I can
say is that Im getting a lot better at writing and drawing, and Im going to
keep getting better as long as Im always practicing. My drawings are
starting to show a lot more construction, balance and weight. As for my
writing, well my writing is starting to contain intelligence, realism, good
grammar, pace, morals, messages, research and depth, among other things. I
need to practice my fiction a lot more than I do now, though, but my journal
is good practice anyway, so at least Im writing, if not writing fiction. Both
my artwork and my writing are starting to contain structure and style, which
is what Im trying to achieve.

There are about four main layers that I look at now when I watch an
animated television show or film, and they are Writing, Animation Quality,
Design, and Vision.

Have quite a few more things than I used to have. I now have a portfolio for
my artwork, an acoustic guitar, a drawing table, a word processor, a stereo, a
light on my bed, as well as a light table and comic book boxes. My drawing
table, light table, word processor and portfolio are the most important things
in my room at this moment.

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I think Im getting better at drawing anatomy sketches. Im getting much

better at capturing balance and weight as well as drawing construction
shapes, but I still have to work on my bone and muscle structure which
means Im still learning where all the bones and muscles go, my gesture
drawings, realistic shading, and I also have to work on realistic clothing, and
hair that looks real. For shading I can get another book by Burne Hogarth
called Dynamic Light and Shade, and for clothing and cloth I can get yet
another book by Burne Hogarth titled Dynamic Wrinkles and Drapery

My mission before I go off to art school is to simply get up to the point of

where Im drawing for at least two hours a day, using good construction
habits, as well as only drawing from my shoulder and elbow, but never using
my wrist. I was going to say barely using my wrist at all, but now that I
think about it, there really are no exceptions when it comes to drawing.

Some of the better videogames out there are Final Fantasy 3 & 7, Half-Life,
Earthbound, Chrono Trigger, Earthworm Jim, Killer Instinct, Super Mario
64, The Lengend of Zelda: The Gameboy, SNES and N64 versions,
Uniracers, Punchout, Super Punchout, Starfox and Starfox 64, Donkey Kong
Country, Mario Bros. 1,2 and 3, Resident Evil 1, 2, and 3, Sonic the
Hedgehog 1, 2, and 3, as well as Rocket Knight Adventure. I suppose I cant
forget Donkey Kong, Super Metroid, and Tetris. Theres also Dragons Lair,
Space Ace, and Braindead 13, Contra, Myst, Riven, Mutant League
Football. Ive played so many different videogames that its impossible to
list them all, but Ive just listed some of my favorites.

To write good fiction you have to read good fiction, and that doesnt just
mean modern authors. It can be equally helpful to read the classic novels and

There are plenty of innovative artists who work in television animation, like
Bruce Timm, Chuck Jones, John Kricfalusi, Matt Groening, Mike Judge, and
Todd McFarlane. Theyve all done wonderful things on an artistic level for
animation.

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Maybe I can get back to work making some new comics. After all, my
drawings got a lot better in the past year or two. I can draw people and
some animals a lot better than I used to. To draw a good comic you have to
have layout, lettering, penciling, and inking. I can do all of these things
fairly decently, so I best get to work, maybe. But if I dont get around to
drawing comics right now, then Im definitely going to do portrait drawing
this week. Thats what Phil gave me for an assignment. Im also not going to
quit drawing whole pictures with backgrounds and everything either.

I love all types of comics, whether they're comic strips or comic books, but
if I had to choose a favorite medium, Id choose comic books. There are sure
a lot of talented comic strip writer/artists out there, though. Some of my
favorites are Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Waterson, Garfield by Jim Davis,
Liberty Meadows by Frank Cho, Pogo by Walt Kelly, Peanuts by Charles
M. Schulz, and Doonesbury by Garry Trudeau. These comics have always
had influence on me in one way, or another. Comic book artists and writers
who would probably make great comics, would be Jeff Smith (Bone), Terry
Moore (Strangers in Paradise), and Will Eisner (The Spirit). Even Matt
Groening is an underground cartoonist, and hes most known for The
Simpsons and Futurama. I think that Ive pretty much already revealed that
even some of the masters of other mediums like animation and comic books
have been greatly influenced in one way or another by comic strips. Now not
only am I going to try to track down drawings and paintings by famous
painters, but Im also probably going to track down more collections of
Pogo, Peanuts, Life in Hell and Liberty Meadows, but also any books by
Will Eisner and Robert Crumb.

What I listen to while Im working usually stays the same, but every once in
a while Ill change what Im listening to. While Im writing Ill listen to just
about anything, but while Im drawing, recently Ive been listening to Phil
Collins, Green Day and Elliot Smith while Im drawing, but I have so many
different CDs that my drawing music could change at any time.

I guess that one day Im going to have to realize that the industries that Im
trying to get into are very big industries.

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I like reading magazines. At one time or another Ive subscribed to Rolling

Stone, Wizard, Animation Magazine, Nintendo Power, and Gamepro. All are
great magazines, my favorites being Wizard, Gamepro and Rolling Stone.

Now trying to build my own library that collects artwork by artists that I
like. I have books, comic books, paintings, and videos.

Well, I now know that I definitely despise most pop culture. Id rather make
fun of it than become part of it.

There are certain advantages that things like video tapes, the internet, comic
books, video games, and books have over regular television and going to a
movie theatre. So if one day you turn on the television at 1:00 oclock in the
afternoon, you can simply pop a video in the VCR and watch your favorite
movie or cartoon when you want to watch it. Or if its 2 or 3 oclock in the
morning and theres still nothing on the television except some religious
crap, you can easily turn off the TV, flip on your computer, surf the internet
for a while so you can visit your favorite websites, and then play
videogames like super Nintendo, N64, and Playstation for an hour or two,
and maybe possibly a couple hours.

Figured out what God is. God really doesnt exist. God is nothing more than
a metaphor for happiness and Satan is a metaphor for misery. Because if
God or happiness answers your prayers, than therefore youre happy, but if
Satan takes over your life than your miserable, therefore the Devil equals
misery. Desire does eventually cause suffering and misery. And lack of
understanding and knowledge of someone or something often causes fear
and hatred.

Dragonball Z works on many levels, as does Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.

When I write and draw stories, I almost always try to make them work on
many different levels, so that each level will attract different types of people.
I want to create worlds that just sort of draw people in and appeal to thinking

P a g e | 56

people as well as people who just want to witness cool or really weird things
happening in front of them.

There are some important figures that I look up to, like the Dalai Lama,
Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr., Oscar Schindler, and Gandhi. There
sure are a lot of celebrities out there who dont or havent had creative jobs,
like Mother Teresa, Pope John Paul the second, Bill Clinton, George
Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and OJ Simpson. As for creative celebrities
and icons. Forget about it. Theres too many for me to list, but some include
Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Buddy Holly, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix,
Kurt Cobain, Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Billy Corgan, Trent
Reznor, Mark Twain, Beck Hanson, Stephen King, Steven Spielberg, Alfred
Hitchcock, Akira Toriyama, Elvis, Walt Disney, Gary Coleman, Phish,
Madonna, Jenny McCarthy, Chuck Jones, Stan Lee, and Charles M. Schulz.
Some of the great directors of all time include Alfred Hitchcock, Steven
Spielberg, Stanley Kubrick, Ron Howard, Woody Allen, Quentin Tarantino,
Kevin Smith, Spike Lee, David Lynch, Barry Sonnenfeld, Tim Burton, and
James Cameron. Some of the great animation directors that I can think of
include Walt Disney, Don Bluth, John Lasseter, Nick Park, Henry Sellick,
and Chuck Jones. I would also include more Disney feature directors, but I
dont remember all their names

The Gundam and Dragonball series are unbelievably popular in Japan. The
Dragonball series has three different variations and I think that the Gundam
series has somewhere around seven. And now Cartoon Networks Toonami
block will soon be welcoming Tenchi Muyo to its lineup. Tenchi Muyo
looks very cool also. So lets see, so far America has been introduced to
Sailor Moon, Pokemon, Dragonball Z, Digimon, Monster Rancher, Flint the
Time Detective, Gundam Wing, Princess Mononoke, and now Tenchi Muyo
as well. American television animated programming is being taken over by
Japans anime franchise, and I cant say that Im one to complain. My
favorites are probably Gundam Wing and Dragonball Z. The things Im
currently watching almost religiously are the uncut episodes of Gundam
Wing that are aired on Toonami: Midnight Run, because you get to see the
episodes that are aired every weekday with all the scenes that got cut out.
The uncut version sports a TV:PG rating unlike the edited episodes which all
have a TV:Y7:FV rating. The reason I like the uncut episodes so much more
than the regular ones is because they have a much more adult feel to them.

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Im such a fucking pathetic geek. Ive actually visited the official Toonami
website and have actually learned and remembered the little potbellied robot
hosts name. Its Tom incase youre wondering, and that floating spaceship
is the satellite that finds the lost Toonami episodes, so that Tom can
broadcast the episodes from the giant ship to the masses.

If I wasnt doing what Im doing, Id probably try to learn some things to try
to do as a career, like conduct orchestras for soundtracks or design
videogames. Those things would be cool to do for careers. I do play a lot of
videogames, so why not design them as well. Its probably also a rumor that
only geeks play videogames, watch anime and read comic books and books
all the time. Well there are a lot of somewhat geeky people who do all these
things, but those arent the only people who do. After all, some videogames
and books have great storylines in them, which can make them very fun to
use. Anime and comic books, for the most part, have spectacularly intricate,
stylistic and original artwork in them. They create worlds for the audience to
escape into.

I think that one of the main rules of TV is that out of all the shows on
television, for every person you find that likes a show, youll find another
person that absolutely hates the very same show. Im still waiting for two
new animated shows where Howard Stern or Jhonen Vasquez played a
helping hand in making the shows. The shows are called Invader Zim and
Doomsday. Chances are that audiences will find something that sucks
about the show in one way or another, and theyll probably both be off the
air before they get through their first seasons. Im only saying this because
Ive been considering how horribly low the ratings have been for other
recent animated series like Clerks, God, the Devil and Bob, Spy Groove,
Mission Hill, and Downtown. I think the reason for this is because most
animated shows that seem specifically aimed at teenagers usually end up
getting canned, because when networks try to single out a certain
demographic, than they usually end up singling out all the other
demographics, which almost always ends up dooming them to failure. I
think that the reason shows like The Simpsons, King of the Hill, Beavis and
Butthead, Futurama, Family Guy, Doug, The Angry Beavers, South Park,
Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing, Sailor Moon, The Powerpuff Girls, Batman,
Ren & Stimpy, Daria, Dexter Laboratory, and Spawn have been so
successful is because they dont really try to aim for a certain demographic,

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but if some of them do, than at least they dont make it annoyingly obvious.
Good animated series appeal to people of all different ages, genders, races,
and levels of intelligence and attention spans. They attract audiences young
and old. But will America be as open to accept a show thats more out there
and intelligent with a somewhat offbeat sense of humor. Hey, it works for
printed entertainment, so why not television. Than again, what works for one
medium may not work for another.

Not sure if Ill ever go on a search for my birth parents. Right now I dont
think that I will, but that could change.

The good thing is that theres always something for me to do. I can
annihilate zombies and collect materia for five hours straight on my
Playstation, Check up on how the Gundam pilots are doing, or if Im feeling
less adventurous I can go to Borders to buy a book, go to Park Ave CDs and
buy a CD by a band that no one I know has heard of except me, or buy fast
food and accumulate excess. As I pursue writing, than there are a couple
different things that Im going to have to do per day. Im going to have to at
least write one page a day, every day. Other than that Im going to have to
read grammar and style books, practice my typing as well as study the
Dictionary intensely so I can improve my vocabulary tenfold.

P a g e | 59

IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 7

P a g e | 60

For my writing I prefer actual writing over going back and reading. Just to
show myself how much things Im actually trying to get done I think Ill
mention all of the things I want or expect myself to do in one week.
Drawing, writing in my journal, writing fiction, reading books, reading
comic books, reading magazines, shopping (books, music, videos, comic
books, food, videogames), playing guitar, playing drums, watching
television, playing video games (Playstation and N64), listen to music and
radio, go to job, socialize with people and friends.

Out of all the creative things you can do, acting probably has the weirdest
exercises you have to do in order to warm up for your work. Acting is
probably the one creative hobby that also makes you feel the most insecure
at first. But I also think acting makes you the most open minded, but writing
can do that too.

I honestly cant remember the last time I had true inspiration, despite the fact
that Im constantly writing, or maybe Im just inspired so much now so often
that I dont even realize it when I am creatively inspired. I think the more
you work, the more you take inspiration for granted, because youre working
so hard that it sort of takes away from your chance to appreciate inspiration
and success as they come to you naturally. But thats how it is. Most people
with creative careers are too busy focusing on their work to pay too much
attention to their inspiration and success. I guess thats because the biggest
thing that inspires me that I actually pay attention to IS my creative work. I
have to admit that I am a pretty big Monty Python fan. That show fucking
cracks me up. The animated skits are the best. I dont know if the still run
old episodes on cable television anymore.

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There are a lot of different franchises that I like include the Mobile Suite:
Gundam franchise, The Marvel Universe, Disney, Todd McFarlane
Productions, DC, Warner Bros., Fox, Nickelodeon.

I think three very tough subjects to study and become knowledgeable at are
philosophy, acting, and Buddhism. How I manage to not believe in God as
well as resist dangerous temptation still manages to puzzle and amaze me. I
dont search to seek and find God. I simply search to find enlightenment and
knowledge, which is probably why I consider myself part Buddhist. I really
do realize that in order to help myself find knowledge, and enlightenment,
its going to take a lot of hard work. If I exercised and lost weight more than
I have in the past, than its obvious that I wouldnt have as hard a time
getting to the drawing board and drawing as well as writing fiction and
reading books and comic books. Why the hell cant I just acknowledge that
fact? If I truly would, well Id be working at my drawing instead of writing
in this journal than, wouldnt I?

I used to be so afraid of living by myself and feeling like my life was so

lonely and empty that Id do something violent. My life has too much
meaning and valor for me to do something like that. The people I work with
and go to school with just about always make me happy and less lonely, and
so do my friends. As a matter of fact, I wonder why I have been so afraid of
living on my own and being single. Theres nothing wrong with it. After all
Ive been single for a couple years now and Ive found company in other
people than a girlfriend, so Ill just keep up what Ive been doing. As long as
I have a job of some sort that I enjoy, to keep myself busy, than I think
things will turn out right for me in the end. But when I move out, my family
wont be around, which is a thing Ill have to deal with reasonably when the
time comes. Sure Ill miss them and Ill be lonely at first, but Ill adjust to
living alone after a while. Having hobbies is one of the best things that has
ever happened to me. Maybe Im worried Ill be so lonely when I move out
that I have a nervous breakdown or something like that. Or maybe Im
worried about the nerve shattering silence that comes with being alone. I
think Im worried about both these things, but Im not going to let any of
these things beat me. As long as I have a sense of hope, than I can live
peacefully.

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Two of the main aspects of drawing include being able to keep a steady hand
and arm, especially for inking, and being able to get what you see in your
head down on paper exactly as you see it.

A lot of artists who also write, usually write mostly about their drawing. I
want to break away from that mold. When I write, I want to write about
people, scenery, situations, events, time periods, theories, etc., etc. I think
studying philosophy, history, religion, world culture, current events,
journalism, politics, and grammar, are good things to study before going into
writing full on fiction. All these things combined with life experiences make
for some damn good fiction, and just plain good writing as well. Good
writers are also good at describing things in an interesting and captivating
way that makes the reader feel like theyre there.

I went to Borders and I think I found a new subject to buy books on and
theyre the subjects of Philosophy. Art and Writing books are great, but I
think I have enough of them for now. Also, acting books would be good
books to get, as well.

Im an artist and a writer, which means Im knowledgeable in the Arts and

literature. Hopefully about four or five years from now Ill be making my
living doing both. I do yearn to study the works of great painters and
illustrators as well as classic literature and the world of filmmaking. I would
like to study film, but right now Ive got my hands full studying art and
literature. Ill study Film as well as comic books. My library of books on
different subjects keeps growing and growing. Also, Ill try to apply the
rules I learn in one medium to another. Im sure animation and cartooning
go just about hand in hand. I think Im getting to that level where I can start
putting more time and more detail into each drawing. Im not quite at the
level where I can draw a good anatomically correct drawing off the top of
my head, though, but I think Im off to a good start. But this is because I
dont understand construction fully quite yet. First I get good at construction,
bone and muscle connection, then I study hair, wrinkles, drapery and

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clothing, then I study rendering and shading, than finally I study cleanup and
inking. And after that I can attempt layout.

Im stumped as to why I have so much trouble getting to the work I do at

home. It shouldnt be half as hard getting to work at home as it is getting to
work at Goodings, considering its not half as physically demanding. In a
single day I could draw for a couple hours, write for an hour or two, play
Final Fantasy VII, write a letter to Choi, read my new comic books,
meditate for a little while, watch Gundam Wing and Tenchi Muyo, read some
of my books, and listen to my music. Ive been writing in my journal for this
long and Im still trying to trick myself into getting more work done.

Im a pretty big fan of Will Eisner, Ralph Steadman and Burne Hogarth as
well as Garth Ennis. I dont know if Im a fan of Alan Moore. When Im an
adult Im going to have a huge CD, video, book and comic book collection.
Theres a couple different new comic book series I want to pick up at comic
book stores, like some more of the books from the D.C. Vertigo line, more
comics from the Marvel Universe, some issues of Watchmen and
Transmetropolitan, More Strangers in Paradise as well as Liberty Meadows.
I already own a lot of comics published by SLG and Oni, which are two of
my favorites.

I love being saturated in pop culture, from Star Wars to Pokemon to The
Simpsons to Final Fantasy. Lets also not forget Pizza Hut and Sushi. And
we cant forget Marvel Comics and the anime franchises, either.

I wonder what the world and entertainment industry will be like when I turn
forty or fifty. Will American culture be different and will the entertainment
industries be different. Im pretty knowledgeable and creative as well as
literate and artistic now, and Im only 16 right now. I cant even imagine
how much Ill of improved and how much more things Ill know then. I
cant wait to see what my writing and drawing will look like twenty-five
years from now. Thats a long way off.

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Thank goodness for television channels like Cartoon Network and Sci-Fi
Channel, who are willing to play anime on their networks as part of their
lineups. Cartoon Network has Toonami, which is a three hour weekday
block made up mostly of anime shows like Sailor Moon, Ronin Warriors,
Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing and Tenchi Muyo!. Sci-Fi channel used to have
Anime Saturday, that showed Anime movies, which were mostly unedited.
What is it about anime that appeals to so many people? The big eyes, the
over dubbing, the sexy women characters, the science fiction themes or the
very complex and high quality design and animation. Maybe its all of these
things. The only other places to have access to anime are on the internet,
anime retailers and actually being inside Japan. I think any big anime fan
probably owns a lot of anime on video and DVD

Ive taught myself to live without a God there to guide me and without a
love relationship. All I need to do is learn to meditate more often and keep
up the amount of exercise Ive been doing in the past couple of days. While
my drawing rate has went down, my exercise rate has skyrocketed upward. I
must ponder how to equalize these two ratios. I would like to improve in the
areas of Math, Science, Biology, Consumer Math, Business, Geography,
Economics, Algebra, Physics, and Politics as well as Law, Theology,
History, Mythology, Grammar, Music, Philosophy and Medicine. If I really
want to do this, than Im going to have to start studying educational
textbooks and creative self help books. Im starting to become more
physically fit with all the exercise Ive been doing and am going to do, but
Im also going to become more educated on different subjects now as well as
in the future. Im actually beginning to really miss school. Earlier today, I
turned to some strange local channel which was showing a class learning
Algebra problems, and I was watching the program intently, concentrating
and trying to figure out the Algebra problem on my own.

I sure did a lot of exercise today. Now tomorrow Im going to do a lot of

exercise and draw too, Im pretty sure Ill get my work done before the
Toonami block on Cartoon Network starts playing so that Ill be able to
watch television. From now on Im going to make the best with what I have,
not what Im going to have in the future. Its possible that Im going to
meditate in the future to keep my mind peaceful and adhere to my Buddhist
beliefs. I havent forgotten about my career as a novelist, movie
writer/director, as well as underground comic book artist. But right now Im

P a g e | 65

trying to lose a decent amount of weight and draw a lot more. Drawing is
getting easier for me. I can kind of feel that its getting easier than it used to
be. The good news is that I only have two years left of high school till I
graduate and go onto college. The bad news is that I only have about two
years left to get a kick-ass portfolio together, which I know for a fact I can
do without much effort if Im really serious about it and set my mind to it.

Im not sure how innovative my work will seem compared to my animation

predecessors, but I do know that I want to combine action, satire, science
fiction, realism and comedy and take it to an anime-esque level of quality
like the animated Spawn series for HBO has in the past. I want my
movements to be crisp, smooth and fast and I want my backgrounds and
characters to seem three dimensional. I want the lighting to be bright and
shiny, and I want the shadows to be dominant and dark. Im hoping it will
make for a contrast between the two that draws the eye. You see this contrast
a lot in anime and very little in American limited animation. The lighting
effect is probably done with a computer when you see the gleam of the sun
in the camera. I dont like the idea of starting out with wide shots, except
occasionally. For an artistic and cinematic effect I would rather have the
camera focus in on a moving object, and do pans and extreme zoom-ins of
scenery. Im sure this will be very tough to storyboard at first, but after you
figure out how to do it without losing your sanity, it shouldnt be very hard.
I want there to be a very distinct distance and visible space between the
foreground and the background. As for the writing. The stories should be
multi layered and have depth. The dialogue should be intelligent and well
written, but above all captivating and humorous.

That sure would be cool if the gods of art and creativity were speaking
through me. I dont believe in one singular God like many Christians do, but
I might just believe in many art and creativity gods. Whoa. Thats kind of
weird. Im so creative that Im making up my own type of gods instead of
buying into the typical stereotype that most people think of. I want to help
try to bridge the gap between eastern and western art. Im trying to do
research on manga, anime and ancient painters and artists who lived in Paris
during the Renaissance.

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I know what I used to draw like. But I also know that I never want to go
back to drawing that crappy way again. The bodies I used to draw didnt
look like they had any bone structure. They just looked like flat flimsy
cardboard cutouts. Now that I just got done getting a lot of my exercises
done early in the morning, Im going to draw and draw some more as well as
write and write some more, all on a work day. I wonder if Ill get critical as
well as commercial success. Will critics like my art and stories? I hope so. I
want to do things like capture weirdness as well as intelligence and beauty
all in the same manner, hopefully to make a masterpiece in someones eyes.
I only have about two or three weeks until I get laid off from the
supermarket because its getting bought out by a larger corporation, but Im
not worried. Ill just have less money to spend and put in the bank. I suppose
that its better than quitting. I guess now Ill have more time to draw, write,
read, listen to music, exercise, and watch my cartoons. Sooner or later Im
probably going to become a professional novelist.

In the past Ive had personal lessons for drums, bass guitar, keyboard and
classical animation, but the only area Ive been dedicated enough to, to stick
with is animation. Drums probably rank second. But I dont really remember
most of the things I learned in my bass guitar and keyboard lessons. Its
harder to find personal art and writing teachers than it is to find music
teachers. Why am I so undedicated to most of my hobbies? I guess I dont
know why. I dont know a lot of things, but I do know some things. I
havent practiced meditation, fiction writing, guitar playing and typing in
eons, which is unfortunate.

I like anime, but for a lot of anime, the stories are simple but the animation
is spectacular. The more adult anime has the best stories, like Gundam Wing,
Tenchi Muyo, Akira, and Neon Genesis Evangelion. I personally think that
America has better animation writing, but thats just me. I love the
Dragonball Z characters. I like the bad guys because their exactly what
antagonists should be, ruthless and merciless, but I think theyre missing one
good trait that the protagonists have. I think that villains should be flawed
just as much as the heroes. Im sure someone could try to justify the villains
by saying that they are flawed just by being villains, but I dont think that
that really says enough. Im still trying to figure out why villains are the way
they are, and what makes a good bad guy. Villains never have any mercy for
the hero, except for when theyre not thinking like their normal selves and

P a g e | 67

theyre out of character. Without a villain, there really arent any heroes. To
see what makes a good villain Ill have to study villains that already exist,
especially in animation, drama and comic books, but the best reference
probably comes from real life villains. Most villains are fucked in the head
in one way or another. For some of my villains, I want to focus on them not
as much as villains, but more as mentally, morally and sanity lacking people
and creatures. Theyre always doing the best they can to make the world
better, in their eyes, and theyre willing to hurt, injure, harass and kill in
order to achieve theyre goals. Ive only thought up one villain for Circus
Ninja so far, but shes a whopper of one.

For me, writing characters and situations means analyzing aspects of the
characters and situations as much as you can to figure out why things happen
in the story the way they do, as well as doing research on things that relate to
the story. Once you set the parameters for your characters and story,
sometimes instead of you deciding for the characters what they do, theyll
decide for themselves, which can make them seem even more real than they
were.

Next week as the next step in my diet, aside from exercising a lot, Im also
going to try and go a week without eating any type of candy or fast food. I
just bought the Gundam Wing: Shooting Stars and Ghost in the Shell
animated films, from FYE at the Oviedo mall. The other Japanese Anime
feature films Im probably going to buy are Akira, if I can find it on eBay
and Ninja Scroll. My favorite stores are Park Ave CDs (music), Suncoast
(anime, movies), F.Y.E (Anime, movies, DVDs, CDs, and tee shirts),
Adventure into Comics (comic books), and Borders (books, magazines,
music). I dont know why, but I think for some reason Japanese stuff is in
fashion. Everything from food, to anime, manga, and Buddhism. I dont
think that J-Pop and J-Rock are in fashion, but I dont give a shit about
whats popular and whats in fashion, I like it anyways. I also want to get the
Gundam Wing Dark Shadows and The Cold Battlefield videos. Other
good anime videos to get are the Bubblegum Crisis series, Gunsmith Cats,
Tenchi, Ranma 1/2, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Fushigi Yugi or Mysterious
Play. Also, some anime Id like to check out just for the heck of it are Ruin
Explorers, Sakura Diaries, and Nadesico.

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Maybe Ill change the face of prime time animation, comic books, literature,
and movies. I want my animation to show a lot of detail and anime influence
in the animation. I want to be good at not only drawing, but writing and
directing as well. I really liked the animation, detail and lighting effects in
Ghost in the Shell. The action sequences in Ninja Scroll and Dragonball Z
are an inspiration to me as well. Theyre so impressive that theyre kind of
jaw-dropping in a way. The lighting effects in Tarzan and Gundam Wing are
awe inspiring too. Is it possible to combine intelligent physical and verbal
humor, good writing and realistic lighting with intense action and good
animation? I guess Ill just have to wait and see, but in the mean time, Ill
just keep on practicing drawing backgrounds and characters as well as
inking and sketching. I personally think the quality of Japanese animation is
superior to that of American animation, which is why I dont mind showing
a big Japanese influence in my work. I think it makes the animation that
much more innovative. So if wind is blowing on a character that has a lot of
hair and cloth, than I want them both to ripple and move to make it look like
it has an actual physical presence, and if light falls on a lot of different areas
of a persons face and body, than I want the shadows and lights that cover the
character to move to different places when the character is in motion. I think
you capture all these different details with two main things. One, computer
effects and two, layering. At certain times I want the background to be a
little blurred while the foreground is in focus and vice versa. Expressions on
characters faces should be expressive and dynamic as well. Ive put more of
my directing ideas at the bottom of page ten in this journal file. Im sure that
if I get into an animation school, than that will be a good place to start
honing my animation knowledge, skills, as well as directing talents and
ideas. Id like to direct a short animated film, possibly more than one before
I graduate and go out into the industry.

When I design model sheets, I dont want to make the characters easy to
animate. That wouldnt challenge the animators, especially if I want the
characters to look lifelike and have that anime influence. Thats where my
cartooning and comic books skills come in. Im not going to listen to Phil
about character design and go with my gut feeling of using sharp edges as
much as I use curves. I like angular looking characters.

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The funs almost over. Theres only a few weeks left till I lose my job and
have to go back to school. Im running out of time to get a lot of drawing
and writing done. I sure have let out some monster belches and farts this
morning. Im very gassy today. Im starting to wish I could take one big
sleep and just simply wake up twenty or so years from now to see how my
future turns out. I would really, really like to do some traveling before or
after I get out of college. Im going to have to start doing less journal writing
and more real working if I want to live out my dreams. I dont think Ill be
successful because I dont believe in god, but I dont care. Im not going to
buy into the belief in a God just to be successful. Im not going to sacrifice
integrity for success like many celebrities have in the past.

One good thing about my childhood growing up was that I was constantly
surrounded by good artwork, whether it was the cartoons I was watching or
the comic books or even comic strips I was reading, they all had and still
have fantastic artwork. When I got into my teenage years I started getting
into anime and more mature comic books. I want my artwork to achieve a
sort of detail, beauty, realism, correctness and style that I think has been
missing in some of the art Ive seen. Being an animator or inker involves just
as much skill as being a painter or photographer. I think Im beginning to
have a better understanding of the human form and its construction. Also,
the more detailed the model sheets in animation look, the more detailed the
characters will look when theyre animated. When I understand anatomy
better, it should be a lot easier for me to advance to things like hair, faces,
shading and clothing.

I would like to see more different animation genres out there. Ones like
action, science fiction, epic, fantasy, comedy, espionage, or even animated
thrillers. Anime captures a lot of sci-fi, action and fantasy as well as epic all
in one and combines them with great animation and character designs. If I
do something animated in these genres, than of course Im going to show a
lot of anime influence in the animation, because its my favorite style of
animation.

I dont watch that many live action television shows or independent films,
but I think Ill make it one of my new priorities to do so, considering I come

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up with new priorities every five minutes, but how many of these priorities
do I fulfill. Thats another good question entirely. My knowledge of music is
pretty vast. I listen to the radio a lot, watch MTV and VH1 as well as read
Rolling Stone and own a lot of CDs. I make music as well as listen to it. My
knowledge of old bands isnt as good as my knowledge of new ones. I do
know that all the members of The Beatles and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and
Young have all gone on solo careers, and that Phil Collins was with Genesis
before he went solo. Sting was in a band called The Police before he went
solo. I think Billy Joel has always been a solo artist, but Im not positive.
Don Henley is from the Eagles. I would like to listen to more songs by The
Cure, and Billy Joel. I havent listened to much music from the 60s, 70s and
80s. Raymond Scott composed a lot of cartoon music, even though he didnt
know it.

I think it would be a lot tougher to work when Im successful if I started

viewing myself the way other people viewed me. If I did that it would seem
like I had a big ego, and I dont. Despite how intelligent I can seem at times,
I do consider myself, at the very core, a simple man, or should I say simple
teenager with a not so simple mind. There are some big differences between
working with art and working with live action. I dont have a god. However,
I do have myself. I want to believe that therere art and creativity gods that
are smiling upon me. I think its more important to be an artist or writer who
wants to achieve a higher level of quality in their art or writing than to
simply be an artist or writer who wants fame and money. Those are very
superficial things to strive for. I think many people realize this once they
obtain these things. Or they should strive to get into the kingdom of heaven
if they truly believe one exists. Or they should strive to attain enlightenment
if they study the methods of Buddhism. When I write in my journal every
day, I think I feel a little smarter every day. I still cant wait to go back to
school and animation lessons.

There are so many different things that inspire me and my imagination, that I
find it near impossible to list them all in a short amount of time.

When Im trying to write a page, I try to keep myself sitting in the chair until
Ive finished the page, because if I get up in the middle of my writing or

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drawing routines, than I lose my stamina and concentration, though it is

tempting to stand up and walk around the house when Im stumped as to
what to draw or write about. Usually I like to think of myself as a pretty
normal person by my standard. I also dont like to acknowledge my
intelligence that much, unless its for a boost of self confidence. My life isnt
really that interesting, but my mind is.

IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 8

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There are some things I have to remember to buy pretty soon and they are a
shading screen, for my inking, and the Gundam tee shirt I saw at Adventure
Into Comics. I also want to remember to go to more different comic book
shops so that I can find new and different comic books to buy. Even though I
have a pretty decent amount of drawings to show Phil next week, Im going
to try to do a lot more different drawings anyway so that I can practice more
often.

Writing comedy isnt necessarily a hard thing to write. After all, the goal one
tries to achieve when writing comedy is a relatively simple one in the same
way that the goal one tries to achieve when creating pornography is a
relatively simple one as well. Comedy tries to create humor and make people
succumb to their vocal chords when they fill with laughter. The occult and
suspense are very hard subjects to write about. I usually feel disappointed
when I cant live up to my own standards. Like if I wrote a book and it
didnt live up to my personal standard of quality. Thats why when you work
on something, you have to edit, revise it and criticize it based on your own
standards. Im going to try not to focus on trying to win awards as much,
because if I dont win one or even get nominated, than Ill just be that more
disappointed, and Ill suffer. After all, since Im part Buddhist one of the
main rules is not to desire anything, and that includes money, fame, critical
acclaim and awards. However, I personally think that my level of quality is
at or close to an award winning level now. Im also going to focus more on
working hard rather than wanting to be successful. Success will eventually
come if I work hard enough, as my mother has always told me. I think I
might grow up to be the master of nothingness who doesnt really have a
style. Or I might be the master of something who does have a style. Either
one is fine by me. I want my writing to make people think and see at least a
little bit of truth in the things I write about. To be truthful, I dont really
know what happens after I get published. I dont know how big of a

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response therell be to my work. It might be very much, it might be very

little. It might be good, and it might be bad. I cant predict what type of
response its going to be. I might impress someone being able to go from
Marvel artist to Disney animator to underground creator to TV show creator
to novelist to film director. I might get a few fans here and there. Maybe Ill
get letters from five or ten people, but thatll probably be about it. If my
work isnt that popular, but I still make a living, than thats alright with me.
Two wonderful artists that I can think of who draw in a somewhat cartoony
style are Frank Cho and Jeff Smith, who do Liberty Meadows and Bone.
Two comic books that are also beyond wonderful.

Now that I think about it, I have just about everything I need right here
already. I have a vivid imagination to keep myself busy, a family that loves
me, a few good friends, plenty of entertainment, a little money here and
there to spend, Im a lot harder worker than I used to be

I actually dont know much about the different types of people out there. I
dont know much about white people, black people, Spanish people, Oriental
people, gay and lesbian people, German people, Canadian people, Irish
people, Australian people, or even British people. But I would like to know
more about these different types of people. I would also like to know more
about people of different religions and intellects.

Im a different type of person than the kind of person I used to be. I used to
be a pissed off underground atheist, but now Im a knowledgeable and
enlightened mainstream/underground Buddhist/agnostic/atheist whos also a
lot harder of a worker and more physically fit.

Now that Ive started getting into Philosophy, I just feel somewhat smarter.
Ignorance is bliss, and Intelligence is misery. At least to me it used to be. I
think Ive been anti-everything at one point or another. Im anti-ultra
cuteness, anti-organized religion and anti-America in some ways. Im not
completely anti-American, but I am in some ways. I just bought a book on
Philosophy called The story of Philosophy in an attempt to improve my
knowledge. If you want to be a smarter person, than do some fucking

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research once in a while. Research requires reading and observing. I think

Many Christians are against occultism, when in fact its possible that
Christianity and Catholicism could be considered another form of mythology
or occultism, considering Jesus Christ is said to have risen from the dead,
and resurrection is one of many topics that fit into occultism. Though, I think
for as smart of a person I am, one would think Id have more important
things to do mentally than knit pick at the technical aspects of Christianity,
even though I dont accept it into my daily life.
I also bought a CD by a J-Pop artist called Kahimi Karie, which is unlike
anything Ive ever heard before, but I really like it. Its music that calms you
and sooths your mind, like Phil Collins, but it sounds a lot different. Im
probably going to buy quite a bit more Japanese Pop music compact discs in
the future, but not for a while because very soon Im going to barely spend
any of my money and put just about all of it in the bank, starting next week.
I want to start listening to music that doesnt sound manufactured and
saturated in cheesiness, which means a lot less mainstream stuff. More JPop, Indy, Lounge, Ska, Industrial, Jazz, Classical, Surf, Swing,
Experimental and Alternative. I also have to listen to some Emo to see what
it sounds like, so that I can see whether I like it or not. I havent done
anywhere near enough reading in the past couple weeks. If I want to make
my own big personal library, than Im going to have to read a lot of books
before I buy a lot more.

Not everyone steps foot in video stores, comic book shops and book stores.
Right now, thinking realistically, I dont know enough about business to run
my own business, store, or company.

I think I have a lot of reading to get done today. Theres a lot of books that
Ive started but havent finished yet, as well as notes and comic books Im
probably also going to read. Im guessing that today is going to be more of a
reading day than anything else. So I guess that Id better get to it pretty soon,
before it gets too late in the day. I like to spend a lot of time reading as well
as working.

To be quite honest, I dont really want a job. I wish I could still keep
drawing and writing hobbies instead of full fledged careers. Even if Im

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successful at what I do, Ill probably still miss just having them as hobbies,
doing them whenever the mood struck me to do so. The good news is that
Ill be earning money doing them. The bad news is that Ill do them even
when I dont feel like doing them, even when my week has been horrendous.
Will I be as inspired if Im by myself most of the time when I first move
out? I wont have a choice, because Ill have to be.
I like being a Philosopher as well as an entertainer. Entertainment wasnt
meant to be truly Philosophical. It was originally meant to be entertaining;
however, I love entertainment that is philosophical. I like entertainment that
makes people think. Im have a tough time accepting simplicity sometimes,
even though I feel more comfortable categorizing my life as a simple one.
Theres also a thin line between insanity and genius. I think its good that I
dont want to drink when I grow up and plan on going to college multiple
times if I can afford it. My religious belief is somewhat of a mix between
agnosticism, atheism and Buddhism. I dont consider my opinions concrete
enough to list them under one specific category. I dont like being thought of
as simply a product of the 90s, although I do like a lot of things that come
from the 90s. I dont like to fall into the Generation X category either. My
mind has substance, unlike many things that have come out of Generation X

If I make it big, and I doubt that I will, than Im sure it will be primarily
because of good luck, not because of hard work, even though Im going to
work hard. I come up with a lot of inspired ideas, but how well and how
effectively I put those ideas into action will depend on how hard I work. If I
work hard, than who knows how far Ill go.

The truth is that Philosophy, Eastern thought and Buddhism stress the use of
Simplicity and the appreciation of beauty. I think that the more I can accept
and embrace simplicity in my life, than the more that will make me at peace
mentally. As much as I love complexity, I think Im going to try and develop
a better understanding and appreciation as well as acceptance of simplicity
and beauty. Simplicity in mind and beauty in seeing, I assume, but I think
that the more I read up on how to appreciate these things, the easier Ill be
able to accept them. I honestly dont know if Buddhism promotes
spirituality.

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Ive done a lot of reading in the past, and I plan to do a lot more reading.
Hopefully Ill get into a good art school so I can improve my knowledge of
art and get a good job. Right now, all I really need to concentrate on is
drawing, reading, and playing videogames, and right now, thats all.

Heres an idea. Instead of doing a little bit of work, selling something, than
doing another little bit of work, I could work on multiple things over the
course of a year or more, and when Ive finished multiple ideas, then sell
one thing, get royalties, and then a year later submit other projects and get
royalties for that too. That way you dont have to focus on writing all the
time and devote more time to producing, selling and directing, among other
things, so if youre making a lot of money off of each project, than you can
wait a year and release another project, or work on even more ideas. I think
that the longer I work in the fields of my professions, than the more Ill learn
the ins and outs of them. I think it would be incredibly cool if I got to work
in so many different entertainment fields. I have a feeling that if I go the
route of going from project to project that pays a livable income, than of
course theres going to be plenty of times when Im out of work and my
ideas get rejected by studios. Right now Im only making $120 a year off of
my art, but Im still a very happy person. Im not bitter, because some artists
dont make anything. Im making more at my regular day job, but thats
alright too.

Im not so sure if Ill be able to write that good of a novel, I dont know
much about people and their different professions and hobbies, so Ill
probably have to do some research, so that my writing will seem more
realistic. I also want my places to seem more realistic as well. So now I think
I have all the things listed that I want to make seem more realistic. People,
places, hobbies, careers and mannerisms. I also have to make my plot seem
reasonable too. I know what its like to work as a courtesy clerk in a
supermarket, and what its like to go to public school somewhat as well as
private school. I know what its like going to funerals, psychiatric hospitals,
and hospitals. Ive ran away from home once also. My brothers had kidney
stones, so I know what its like to be around a person who has kidney stones
and the pain they bring. I also have to remember the way Ive felt before. I
still watch cartoons more than I watch live action, at the age of 16. I dont
know how Stephen King writes fiction so well, and so much. Maybe Ill

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pray to the art and creativity gods for inspiration and good writing skills. Im
not relying on them too much, because theres no proof that they exist. I
think I need to start writing about my feelings more often in this journal.

The truth is that most comic book writing doesnt have the same depth that
novels have. If I write for comic books, than I want the writing to have at
least some of the same kind of depth, realism and complexity that novels
have. Some of my stories will use big words, and some of them wont. Big
words dont necessarily make your writing smarter. I think it sort of depends
on which character is using the words. If the character has a lot of verbal
intelligence, than Im sure that character would use a lot of big words. Why
have I been so focused on becoming a novelist instead of focused on
improving my writing, so that I start writing like a novelist.

I think that theres times when instead of writing at the word processor, I
should be out experiencing life instead, so that I can have some life
experiences to write about.

As a step towards trying to educate myself, Im trying to relearn all the states
in America, as well as all the US presidents. The states are Maine, New
Hampshire, Massachusetts, New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Vermont,
New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, Virginia, West Virginia,
North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, Kentucky,
Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Illinois, Wisconsin,
Louisiana, Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Minnesota, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas,
Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming,
Montana, Arizona, Utah, Idaho, Nevada, California, Oregon, Washington,
Alaska, Hawaii. There you have it. Therere all fifty states. I also want to
memorize all seven continents of the world. Ill just have to take these facts
one step at a time. I also have to remember that I cant learn and remember
everything in one day. Its going to take time, just like its taking time to
lose weight. I dont retain factual information as well as some other people,
which means Im going to have to work extra hard to learn more things.

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I want to be more intelligent. I also kind of want to be a genius, but being a

genius takes a lot of mental work, mental exercising and studying. You have
to be able to retain a lot of information. I know for a fact now that a
president isnt allowed to be in congress for more than two terms. I like
politics, and Im sure if I do more research on the subject through books, and
newspapers, as well as news programs, Im sure it will eventually become
easier to understand. Hopefully, if I get into CalArts, then I would be one of
the CalArts alumni who go off into the world to do great things in animation,
comic books, novels, movies, etc. I definitely have decided that I want to be
one of the harder working entertainers out there. Which means Im going to
have to work for entire days (and nights sometimes) for five to seven days a
week. Being able to eventually have this much creative stamina is going to
take a lot of practice and hard work, which means not as much watching
television and listening to music. If I can get better at these simple things
than Ill have mastered my own destiny. I wonder what its going to be like
working in a studio all day doing something I love immensely.

There are certain days where I just want to spend all day exercising,
meditating, sleeping and writing in my journal. I dont understand the
mindset of women very well, which is probably why I havent been in very
many relationships in the past and as well as recently. I dont really consider
myself unhappy or lonely that much.

As much as I hate to admit it, my tastes do change over time, and some of
them will probably continue to change as I get older. I think now I have
better taste in things, Im much smarter and wiser, I live a healthier lifestyle,
and yes Im starting to show some spiritual growth. Im not a born again
idiot Christian or anything, but yes I do think Im starting to show a spiritual
side. Im not as much of an Atheist now as I am a Buddhist/Agnostic. My
version of a deity is a lot different than say the mainstream version.
Christians, Catholics, Methodists and the like believe in one singular God,
but me on the other hand. I think its possible that there are many different
ones who each represent different aspects of life, physicality and thought
process, although Id never say that I knew for sure if they existed.

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Hopefully, a little bit after Im twenty, Ill have signed a deal with a
company to sell some of my ideas. But the key is getting executive,
producers, editors, bigwigs, etc. interested in your ideas, which takes agents
and pitching. If networks end up becoming interested in buying Circus
Ninja, than Im going to have to make a good pilot. Im going to make sure
that I have responsibility for writing and directing the pilot, but thats what
my college experience will be for. I dont think that making the other
episodes, as far as writing is concerned, will be as tough as writing the pilot,
or first episode. But I am going to demand that the first episode does get
aired on television first, because I do consider Circus Ninja one big
continuous story. If the first episode doesnt get aired first, than the show
just isnt going to make sense to viewers, and itll just look like one big
mess. Certain episodes of CN are going to combine comedy and action, but I
think mostly comedy. I want some of the episodes to be somewhat self
contained, just incase the show gets shown out of order during reruns. If it
even makes it into syndication. Im also going to have to create more
locations for the Circus Ninja or Nathan cast to live in and explore. The
show is probably going to have to have a much bigger supporting cast and a
lot of extras, so that the writers and artists would have a world to explore.
That way it wouldnt just be the three main characters in the apartment all
the time. That would probably eventually become boring. Im going to try to
keep the visual style as innovative looking as I can. Some very innovative
American television shows with unconventional animation styles are
Batman, Spawn, Animaniacs, Futurama, Dexters Laboratory, and the Chuck
Jones cartoons. I like all of these shows because they have good animation
and character designs.

I dont like the visual styles of The Simpsons, Family Guy, Ed, Edd and
Eddy, Cow and Chicken, and King of the Hill.

I know who my all time favorite underground comic book artists are, and
they are Frank Cho, Terry Moore, Evan Dorkin, Jeff Smith, Jim Mahfood,
Jhonen Vasquez, Chynna Clugston-Major, Akira Toriyama, and Kosuke
Fujishima. My favorite Independent comic book artists are ones who not
only make some of their pages detailed, but also take advantage of negative
and positive space for a beautiful and intricate effect.

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I do kind of fear success in a certain way, even though I have optimism

about my careers. Im afraid that if I sell a zillion copies of something, than
will I run out of ideas, once that happens. Its doubtful but I think its
possible. All I have to do is observe life and my own personal experiences.
Will I ever become a legendary novelist or director, maybe but I wouldnt be
surprised or disappointed if I didnt. Id be happy if I only sold a thousand
copies of something with my name on it. I cant wait to get back to the
drawing table!!!!!! I havent drawn for a couple days, and Im really
beginning to miss being in my room at my drawing desk. This is a complete
surprise to me, because recently during other times when I was away from
the drawing desk for days or even weeks on end, I didnt really miss it
because I was doing other things, but now I seriously do. I have to get back
to doing some serious drawing if I want to have an impressive portfolio for
college.

I do like classic literature and poetry, as well as classic art. Im always trying
to search for a higher form of beauty and complexity. Classic literature,
poetry and classic art all have that complexity. Anime, independent comics,
five star films, acting, meditation, philosophy, academics, certain types of
music, and realism all have that type of complexity.

There are a few things that Im going to have to sacrifice spending money to
save up for, like money to visit New York and California, so that I can visit
them before I go to college there, if I go to college in New York or
California. Im also going to have to save up for a Laptop computer to have
for college. So I guess that means a lot less buying comics, books, or CDs,
and more saving.

I think Ive matured in the sense that Ive evolved past the Society is so
cruel to me! Ill show them all and get them all back one day when Im
famous mentality. I dont really have as many ill feelings toward society as
I used to. Not all people are bad people. Many of them are good and very
kind people. Some of them are just misguided. Still, Im sure quite a bit of
them are fucking assholes too.

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The whole process of publishing in the field of novels and comic books still,
to this day, continues to confuse and intimidate me. When I write a couple
novels, Im not going to try to fit into a specific category. I want my fiction
writing to have elements of humor, suspense, fantasy and horror all put into
one. I do know if I even want my books to have massive appeal and be
mainstream. When I get published I think Ill pray to the gods of success and
fortune as much as I can, asking them to please let my novel get on the
national bestseller list, so that it sells a lot of copies. There are some books
out there that I want to check out. They include A Simple Plan, High
Fidelity, and Fight Club.

If Leaf Season gets published in an anthology book of short stories and that
book makes it on a Bestseller List, Id be extremely surprised. Im not
expecting leaf season to make it on any Bestseller List. I think it will seem to
morbid and grim for a lot of people. I dont think it has enough
mainstream appeal to sell a lot of copies, which is okay with me. But Im
still proud to be the writer of it, because Im glad Im writing something that
tackles such important issues and topics. I personally think theres a lot of
truth to the things I write about in the story, which is why I dont regret
writing it one bit.

I know this sounds somewhat pretentious, but I think Im going to try to

invent my own style of fiction. All I have to do is get some really good ideas
for situations and characters. Im not that good at coming up with ideas for
fiction stories. I dont know how so many novelists do it, even the ones who
dont write bestsellers. Dont know if the idea about the paranoid man who
lives in a Washington museum will make for a very good novel. I think I
want my situations to have more realism to them than that. I would like to
write about a situation that takes place in a Suburban town. Ive been writing
constantly in this journal non stop, but I still havent gotten any ideas for
stories to write about. Maybe I wasnt cut out to be a true writer or novelist.
But look at me babbling on about writing novels as if I dont want to go into
animation or comic books anymore. I want to become a high caliber
animator and comic book artist before I become a novelist or movie director.
I have to get back to my art. Why am I neglecting my artistic instincts! Im
happy now and I hope against hope that Im going to be happy and satisfied
with my life when Im an adult.

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Im beginning to start to question my career choices. Why dont I just try to

get a real job, work in retail for a living, or even try to get out and find a
girlfriend? Why dont I just get an academic education? Im not the best
artist, writer, or even director in the world. Would I really be changing the
world, even if I did get published? Right now Im just a wannabe, and that
might be all Ill ever be. I cant come up with a single decent fiction idea,
and I dont work hard enough with my art. Ill admit it. Im a creative
slacker. Ive been so involved in relaxing, exercising and finding my
spiritual self, that my creative mind and sense of humor have been getting a
bit rusty.

Now that I think about it, Im very young. Im only 16 years old. Thats 34
years to go until I turn 50. Yes, one day I two will get old, and when that
time comes Ill probably regret not having been as active in my youth as I
could have been. Im not sure if Ill ever have a mid-life crisis or not. I hope
not. I wonder if Ill retire or not since I want to work in the entertainment
industry.

There are republicans and there are democrats. Theres pro-life and theres
pro-choice. Theres evolutionism and then theres creationism. I think most
Atheists are pro-choice and believe in Darwins theory of evolution. Im
pro-choice and I believe in Darwins theory of evolution, but now Im
actually more of an agnostic and Buddhist, rather than an Atheist. I do
support abortion rights. Although I do think a women should use adoption
before she turns to abortion. I used to believe that God doesnt exist at all,
but now I truly believe that its impossible to know for sure if God does exist
or not, but I still pray just in case, and think its more possible that many
different gods exist. I do have a spiritual side, though, but if I knew for sure
that gods did exist, than Id be more of a theist than a monotheist. Do I think
they should legalize marijuana? Maybe it should, if its legalized for
scientific use only, and not recreational use. One time I saw kids at my
school, a long time ago when we were walking, smoking a joint and passing
it around. It was the dumb jocks, who were doing this, I might add. They
offered it to me, but I declined and said no thanks, because I am against

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the use of illegal substances, and I knew that was an illegal substance,
because it sure as hell didnt look like a cigarette and it was the color brown.

I admit, there have been times when Ive been curious as to what it feels like
to get high, but I refuse to resort to filthy drugs to find this feeling. I
would rather get high on knowledge, enlightenment and creativity than
letting foreign substances pollute my body. I would rather draw, write, read,
listen to music, meditate, masturbate, or play role playing games and etc.
I dont know if Ill occasionally drink alcohol when I get older and turn
twenty-one, but I doubt it. Ill probably just stick to water, Diet Pepsi and
coffee.

I think Im happier to be living single than ever before. It must be all the
exercise, sleep and meditation that Ive been getting. Im not greedy or
egotistical and I dont do drugs or watch pornography, which is very good.
Im an optimist, not a pessimist or a cynic. Im a very decent, humorous,
intelligent and moral person. Although I do use swear words sometimes, but
not all the time, and I am overweight, and I have pimples and freckles. I do
believe that its possible that theres life, extraterrestrials and civilizations
somewhere in the universe other than on the planet Earth. I have very little
faith in organized religion, but I do have a lot of faith in my own religious
beliefs, a good soul, and some spirituality.

I think as I get older and older, my life will begin to fall apart more and
more. Like around the time I turn fifty, if I dont have a wife or a family. But
the advantage will be that Im living on my own, paying bills and driving
around to wherever I please. When Im fifty, I might be rich and famous or I
might just be making an average salary. Either way, as long as Im living on
my own peacefully, than Ill be happy. My family probably thinks Im
weird, because I watch mostly cartoons, I dont date or get out much, and I
draw and type on the computer all day.

I support the local, national and international creative communities, and I

also support indie entertainment and commercial entertainment.

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I sort of miss being an atheist now that Im an agnostic and part Buddhist.
But it is true that my true opinion is that its impossible to know if God
exists or not, which is why Im agnostic. I am, however a huge fan of anime,
independent comics, fine art, Disney animators, video games, alternative and
strange music, as well as Will Eisner, Akira Toriyama, Stephen King, Dave
Barry, Evan Dorkin, and Frank Cho.

If Im going to become a filmmaker someday than Ill study the legendary

directors, like Stanley Kubrick, Woody Allen and Steven Spielberg. I
honestly dont know much about Kubrick or Allen. So the creative legends
that are somewhat new to me are Stanley Kubrick, Jack Kirby, Joe Kubert,
Will Eisner, Stan Lee, Burne Hogarth, Glenn Keane, Norman Rockwell,
Charles Dickens, Mark Twain, Walt Kelly, Tex Avery, Chuck Jones and
Walt Disney. I would say some Japanese animators and animation directors
as well as French artists, but I dont really know the names of any.

Maybe the reason I havent drawn, written or been in a relationship in a

while is because Im unconsciously trying to prove to myself that I dont
really need any of these things to survive or function normally. When I get
older, than Im sure that Ill use my art and writing abilities to supply most
of my income in the future, but not now, which is probably why Im
unconsciously testing myself, which is a thing I definitely shouldnt be
doing in my youth. I should be testing my artistic ability and patience as
much as I can. Phil made a good point when he told me during last weeks
two hour lesson that I dont have to be afraid of a drawing or to really look
at and study a drawing that I want to copy, and I think he has a good point.
In the past, when I looked at good drawings in comic books, animation and
the like, I think I only appreciated the drawings mostly for their surface, and
didnt truly see the construction under the drawings. I think this is because in
my earlier drawings, I was too caught up in trying to obtain a surface style
and not caught up enough in trying to learn anatomy, construction, seeing
properly, seeing the whole picture, and rendering. Now that I know more
about art, Im surprised how flat and un-three-dimensional my older
drawings look when compared to my more recent work. Even some of my
most detailed earlier work looks flat and has some obvious flaws.

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Okay, so some of the directors that make legendary movies include Steven
Spielberg, Stanley Kubrick, Martin Scorsese, George Lucas, Woody Allen,
Alfred Hitchcock, David Lynch, Oliver Stone, Kevin Smith, Quentin
Tarantino, Francis Ford Coppola, Ron Howard, Robert Zemeckis, Barry
Sonnenfeld, Tim Burton.

I know the names of a lot of great American animation directors, but as for
Japanese animation directors, I dont really know the names of any, except
for one, and his name is Mamoru Oshii. Hes the director of the Anime
feature film Ghost in the Shell, which I think is one of the most beautiful,
cinematic and well executed animated feature films of all time. The best
animated feature films that Ive seen from Japan are Ghost in the Shell,
Akira and Ninja Scroll. Disney also makes superb feature animated films,
and so do Don Bluth and Ralph Bakshi. I dont know if Bill Plympton does
or not. I havent seen any of his films.

As far as adult animation goes, just because animation has sex, curse words
and violence doesnt mean it is adult. Having those things can just make it
gross, not adult. Mature animation should mean animation that has adult
situation and mature themes that are much more complex, intelligent and
more easily comprehended by people that are adults.

I think as far as comic books, animation, writing, art, film, television, music,
books and entertainment are concerned, Im good at picking out the things
that have valor, quality, intelligence, and innovation as well as good
execution.

It is my hope that more people will judge other people not simply on their
appearance, but on their moral merit as well as decision making. Actually,
its best that people dont judge other people at all.

Ive written about just about every topic that has pertained to my life
recently, so Im kind of stumped as to what to write about in these recent

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journal entries, without going over the same topics over and over again. All I
can really say right now is that Im not as lonely, my social life is improving,
Im more secure with myself, Ive gone through some spiritual changes and
My tastes in entertainment and creativity are changing also.

There were so many good shows that I used to watch as a kid, that arent
being played on regular TV. anymore. Cartoons like Sam and Max,
Duckman, Darkwing Duck, Chip and Dale, Goof Troop, Captain Simean
and the Space Monkeys, Bobbys World, Bots Master, Eek The Cat, and Step
by Step. The Simpsons is one television show that I grew up on. There used
to be so many good cartoons and sitcoms on TV. that you wouldnt have to
switch from channel to channel for very long until you found something you
could really get into. MTV used to be good, when they had Beavis and
Butthead, and before they tried to cater to the popular middle teen crowd
with that stupid total request live show and all those goddamned rap videos.
Now Id rather watch VH1 than MTV any day, because I can watch shows
like The List or Behind the Music, and I can learn about classic bands
who were there in my parents day and even before that. The newer, flashier
and more popular artists tend to turn me off, just because theyre trying too
hard to get young dumb peoples attention. Thats the only way you can tell
if something is a true classic is if it stands the test of time over many years.
If everyone forgets about it a few months or years after its released, than its
not a classic. Im more into the counter culture and antipop stuff. If and
when I get into the entertainment business, than Im definitely going to try to
avoid making my stuff look hip and flashy, like many popular music videos
on MTV. I prefer substance over flashiness.

Tomorrow Im most likely going to get some more exercise and keep doing
it for a long, long time.

I know why I want to be an entertainer. I want to be an entertainer because I

think that I have something precious and valuable to say to audiences across
the country, and hopefully the world, but thats probably unlikely that
anything of mine would get translated into multiple languages. But despite
the fact that I would like to think of myself as a creative and maybe also
talented person, I do have my self doubts and insecurities, although they

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arent as obvious to me as they used to be. I do think Ive made progress. I

try to be creative in the hope that it will give my life more valor, meaning
and worth than its had in the past. All this writing in my journal is
beginning to make me feel gloomy. I dont think Im necessarily depressed,
but its late and Im beginning to feel sleep deprived, which can cause
depression, and usually does for me. I think Ill go meditate to recover
mental peace.

If I got good at playing the guitar as well as writing lyrics and singing, than
maybe I could be a songwriter and musician. Probably not professionally,
but I could at least do it as a hobby for fun. I do like playing drums as well
as playing guitar and writing song lyrics. If I practiced enough, than Im sure
I could eventually sound pretty good. My favorite songwriters and singers
are Billy Corgan, Trent Reznor, Eric Clapton, Les Claypool, Bob Dylan,
Elvis, John Lennon, Billy Joel, and Elton John.

Am probably one of those creative people that can do just about anything
fairly well as long as I practice at it and work hard at what Ive set my mind
to. I do really like songwriting, singing, and playing guitar and drums. I can
write well if I practice. I can draw well if I practice, I can sing well if I
practice. I can learn a lot if I study. I can also lose a lot of weight if I set my
mind to it.

Sometimes see kids out in public and at school dress like posers in my
opinion. I dont view myself as a hip or cool. I like dressing like a casually
dressed geek. Thats why I wear shirts with weird pop-culture designs on
them, as well as Hawaiian shirts and a leather jacket. Ive sort of invented
my own style of clothing.

Wondering if my birth parents were creative people, or if theyre still alive. I

never knew them, so I dont really know. The less I think before drawing,
the easier starting to draw becomes. I have a great teacher, so Im going to
have to put the petal to the metal as far as practice goes, so that my drawing
ability can begin to start heading towards the Marvel and Disneyesque level
of quality, construction, detail and three-dimensionality. My gesture

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drawing, rough layout, character designs, inking and script writing ability
could all use a ton more practice.

I dont know how its possible for me to write comedy when my whole life
is a tragedy.

Definitely have a fascination with other countries and people from other
countries. Ive made friends with two people from other countries. The first
one is my old teacher from Center Academy, Choi, who's a Korean from
Korea, and the second friend is a French person named Gregory who works
where I work at the grocery store, and is from France. He taught himself
English. These are two of the nicest people Ive met recently, and both of
them are in their twenties. Its good that Ive made a diverse group of friends
in the past couple years. I like interpreting song lyrics and poetry.

For foreign languages, I do know a little bit of a couple different languages.

I know some Spanish, a little French, a little Korean, some slang and street
talk, and a tiny bit of Japanese. Other languages Im interested in are Italian,
German, and Chinese. Some American sub languages include computer talk
and car talk. I know some art and writing terms. Im also fascinated by the
worlds different religions as well as learning how to read and write
Japanese. I guess knowing a little bit of some foreign languages is better
than not knowing any of them.

Some Japanese comic books that I like are Dragon Ball Z and Oh My
Goddess! Some of the manga I want to find and possibly buy are Akira,
Ninja Scroll, Ghost in the Shell, Blade, and Youre Under Arrest! I have
some manga that friends of my parents picked up while they were in Japan.
Almost all of the words are in Japanese, and I dont know how to read Kanji
yet, but the artwork in some of the comics is still amazing.

Eminem, Nine Inch Nails: The Fragile, Futurama, The Blair Witch Project,
Howard Stern, The Sopranos, Dennis Miller, Michael Moore, Tom Green,
Star Wars: Episode One, Gundam Wing, Tenchi Muyo, The Sixth Sense,

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Dogma, Jhonen Vasquez, Dave Barrys Big Trouble. I love all of these
things, and its not just me. Critics like this shit too.

I definitely make way too many lists of my favorite everything and things
that interest me.

Well, Ill admit it. Im really struggling with my drawing, and when Im
struggling with my drawing, I tend to give up easily. From now on, for my
drawing and lessons, the minimum amount of drawings that I produce each
week is going to have to be 15 to 40. So if I draw for at least two to three
hours a day, than I should at least be able to draw 7 to 15 drawings a day. If I
truly want to get up to the Marvel level of detail and Disney level of quality,
than Im going to have to put a hell of a lot more hours behind the drawing
desk. Because I seriously think that my drawings arent meeting the level of
craft, skill and effort that I think should go into the drawing by an artist of
my skill at my age. If I put more effort and time in, than its going to start
showing in my drawings. If I cant think of anything original to draw, than
Ill work on redoing old characters and drawings and copying drawings by
other artists from books. Ill never be the next Frank Cho, Evan Dorkin,
Glen Kean, Chuck Jones, or Jim Lee if I dont practice as much as I
physically can and push myself.

Will be honest, Im looking forward to finding a solid career or careers, but

the thought of driving around by myself on the roads and highways without
someone there giving me guidance, as of now, makes me feel
uncomfortable. But when Im living on my own, I do have to drive to get to
work and the stores as well as friends houses. I feel comfortable with who I
am as a person, but not as a driver or worker. I dont think I know what real
work is. It seems like just yesterday when I was writing about simply trying
to maintain a job as well as a decent drawing practice routine. Im having
trouble picturing myself driving on I-4.
I havent meditated or prayed in a couple days. Im not sure if I should
pray for a decent girlfriend, to get into CalArts or for my books to get on the
New York Times Bestseller list, because I think Id just feel more
disappointed and rejected if my requests and hopes dont come true. Ill just
end up suffering more for desiring them in the first place.

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My mind is pretty weird, because sometimes when I have conversations

with people, in the back of my mind I hear my own voice saying things to
the person that I would never ever say to someone Im talking to. Theyre
very mean and rude comments that dont sound like something Id ever
really say. Some of my thoughts make me feel bad. I dont like subliminal
pseudo-thoughts, and thats for sure. I still want to change the world more
than ever, and turn the world on its ass with my new, innovative, racy and
fresh ideas. I would like to become a visionary who inspires other artists and
writers, but I dont know if I ever truly will, but if I do, than I seriously
doubt that Ill ever perfect it. I dont want to be afraid to teach other people
my way of thinking and seeing the world as well as working. I hope I find
someone else in the industry who I can grow as an artist with and ricochet
ideas off of and get some back from. Right now I know two people who Im
growing up creatively with, and they are Johnny and Phil.

Am going to exercise and draw this afternoon before Toonami starts at 4:00
oclock and ends at 7:00, but I usually stop watching at 6:30 when Tenchi
Universe is over.

When I get into writing and drawing for a living, Im pretty sure that I only
really want to make a high end five digit salary, even though that would
mean Id have to pay more bills. Im also sure that if I made a movie and it
grossed a whopping $100 million, than Im sure that would mean that Id
probably get about $1 million and the studio and staff would get the rest,
because Im pretty sure if youre a writer/director of a movie, than you still
only get 1% of the overall gross, in royalties. If youre a director of
anything, than I dont see why there would even be need to also be an
Executive Producer. The problem with me breaking in to the industry is that
I dont have any studio connections. However, Phil says that If its good,
itll go. If something I create sells a million copies, that doesnt necessarily
mean that its going to make me a millionaire.

Some people with complex jobs are Scientists, Brain Surgeons, Rocket
Scientists, Mathematicians, Politicians, and Astronauts.

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Got to love making pop culture references in my writing. It doesnt matter

what Im working on, whether its a novel, a film, an animated series, or a
comic book, I still want what Ive done to stand on its own merit as a work
of art and creativity. I want the world to view me as a creative supernova,
and intellectual visionary. And if I get extremely good at what I do, than of
course theres going to be copycats and imitators of my style, if I have one
that is. You have one Blair Witch Project and then there are a billion low
budget films and movies that are trying to have big internet advertising
campaigns. You have one The Sixth Sense, and suddenly there are a
thousand more smart scary movies. And you have one Quentin Tarantino
and suddenly there are a hundred hip young directors who are trying to mix
charisma and coolness with violence.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 9

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Am surprised at how much innovation, creativity and originality are actually

lacking in Hollywood. Most network and studio executives are creatively
brain dead, and Im sure Im going to have to begin expecting that. Im also
surprised how many people in the entertainment industry like to conform
just to make the all-powerful qualm. Creators having power over their own
projects is probably a rare thing in Hollywood as well, but I cant necessarily
state that for sure because I dont know for sure. Deadlines and the technical
aspects of publishing can be stressful, if you dont know how to deal with
them properly.

Eureka!!! I know what the key to practice is. Its not how much you know or
the quality of drawings you make when you practice. What matters is how
much you try and how much time you spend practicing. So if some of the
drawings you make while practicing look sucky, that doesnt matter. At least
youre practicing a lot. Im going back to doing seven or ten drawings a day.
This should be very good, because from now on, Im only going to lessons
for two hours every two weeks. So if I stick to this number of drawings per
day, than in two weeks, Ill have 98 drawings to show him every two weeks.
Every four weeks Ill have done 196 drawings. I can reach this goal as long
as I at least do 7 drawings a day.

Have finally realized that I dont really have a style yet. I used to think I did,
but now I realize that its not really a style. I have to realize that I have to
practice, practice and practice some more every chance that I get, and draw
every chance I get, not just for my animation teacher/mentor, but for myself,
before I can go on to direct anime influenced animation, which is the style I
want to achieve. Im also going to get back to practicing rendering, shading,
clothing, inking, layout, scriptwriting and storyboarding. This sounds like a
lot to do, but its really not that much, as long as I take more time each day
practicing.

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Did a lot of drawing work today. I did six drawings today and I spent two or
three hours behind the drawing desk. Im going to do seven or so drawings
tomorrow too. And I really enjoyed today, because I got a lot of work done.
I didnt lay down in my bed once today after I woke up. I also didnt watch
very much television. Soon, very soon my pet, I shall have that Akira anime
video in my grasp. Ha! I also have to remember to go back to the art stores
to see if they have shading screens and pick some up for my inking. I did
some great drawings today, but Im not going to let it go to my head and
stop myself from doing them over a lot more times. Im going to draw
anything from now on. Penciled or inked. It doesnt matter. Ill do all of
these things. I have to learn to work a lot harder than I am now. I have to
start evolving beyond the beginner amateur and independent comic book
level. If I want to get to the Marvel, Disney, or anime level of skill, than Im
going to have to work as hard as I possibly can at practicing my drawing
skills whenever I can.

Money cant buy love. Money cant buy happiness. Money is the root
of all evil. There are a lot of quotes that people use about money. Ill admit
it. Im an intelligent person, so of course my mind feels stressed and
overworked sometimes because Im trying to learn so many different things
as well as remember a lot of things, like the academic, factual and creative.
There are times when I wonder if Im too knowledgeable, but too much
knowledge is never really a bad thing in my mind. Zeitgeist is a word I
really like. Knowing that I have the will power deep down in me to rectify
my own personal mental and physical flaws is a good thing for me.

Would like to write a novel, but one problem I have but will probably
overcome if I truly want to succeed is having knowledge about jobs, places,
and people. I think doing research on jobs and being able to describe a
characters job well will be the hardest part, but not too hard if I do enough
research. Unfortunately I dont have very much job experience myself,
except working as a courtesy clerk in a grocery store. I would definitely like
to do some cashiering eventually. If not in a bookstore, than somewhere else.
Doing research on College would be a good idea too. I mean I know a lot
about writing and art or artists and writers in general, but if I wrote about

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nothing but artists and writers, than Im sure that would begin to get
redundant after a while. I dont know much about going into an office all
day, working with clients, sorting through data and files in folders and on a
computer very much. Im sure that my dad does. A lot of artists out there
dont know much about non-creative jobs, because all they really want to do
in life is art, and thats okay to some people, I suppose.

Some topics for me to write about include are religion, the occult, historical
events, and emotions. To write a novel, you have to have your characters
well known, your location, and then you think up one main large sequence
of events, which include a beginning, middle and end, for the characters to
go through on the location or locations and you describe this sequence of
events in many different sections called chapters. This sounds easy, but its
not, especially if you want to write a best selling suspense-filled page-turner.

Would definitely like to do research on the artists and writers who

influenced the modern day artists and writers who influence my work. I have
almost too many influences to count, some obscure, some more well-known.

Despite the fact that I got five drawings done today and six done yesterday, I
think Im still going to draw more drawings tonight. I think I have an idea of
what I plan to draw too. Today I also read two text books on Government
and Economics. I seriously dont feel like drawing tonight, but I dont care. I
dont have a choice. Im going to do it anyway. This is what having a job as
an animator or comic book artist is like. I cant give up. If I would of given
up previous times when I didnt feel like drawings, than I wouldnt have half
the amount of really good drawings Ive done recently because I would have
given up and not even bothered to draw them. Im really striving to get to
that level of being able to do a drawing over five to ten times before I even
think about the final version.

My room is a fucking mess, and right now so is the kitchen. My main

priority is drawing so that I can have a portfolio ready for college. Not
writing fiction, not writing in my journal, not playing guitar or drums, not

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reading, not watching TV. or movies, and not listening to music. I want to
get good enough at drawing so that I dont feel too overwhelmed in college.

One person I could never have working for me as an editor. My mom. When
she saw some of the twisted ideas Id come up with, shed try to censor
every graphic scene and curse word, which would leave me with no room
for content freedom. Im not saying all of my work is going to be disgusting
and graphic, but some of it is, like Leaf Season.

I dont plan to play drums or guitar for careers. I plan to play them for
hobbies. So far Ive gotten 16 drawings done in two days. Only 12 more
days to go till I bring my new drawings and the Ghost in the Shell video to
Phil. I definitely got a lot done today. For my drawing practice days Ill start
out small, like drawing for one or two hours a day. Eventually Ill probably
get more used to one or two hours a day and move up to three, four or five
hours a day. My main goal is to draw for ten to twelve hours a day, but this
is when I have a full time drawing job like being an animator or comic book
artist.

Seems as if nothing, as far as talent and knowledge comes easily to me. I

think I might be spending too much time by myself, but as long as Im
meditating or retaining new information, than being alone is okay. I dont
think I was meant to write novels, but Im going to anyway. I think Im more
prone to being a concept person. Drawing and writing, especially things I
make up on my own, usually dont come easily to me. Truly good ideas for
characters and stories dont come quite as easily as they used to, probably
because Im a lot more critical on the quality content of my work than I used
to be. I truly am my own worst audience member and critic, but I have to be,
otherwise Id never really improve. Im the one who has to push myself and
strive to think out ideas more and work harder, because nobody else can. I
have to do it all myself.

Heres whats going to be the secret to my success. For the here and now,
Ill be successful if I stop worrying about how Im going to make a decent
living five years from now and start worrying about how many hours I can

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spend at my drawing table and how many good and detailed drawings I can
make in one day. Right now, all I really have is drawing, so Id better make
it my life. For my practice, I have to figure out what my weakest point is in
my drawing and practice it a ton so that its not a weak point anymore. An
artists weakest point is usually the toughest thing to practice constantly.
There are so many spectacular drawings that I havent even made yet, but
there are also so many bad drawings that I havent made yet either. I have
more bad drawings in me than good ones which is why I have to practice a
lot.

Enjoy all kinds of cartoons and animated series. Ones on Saturday morning,
ones in Primetime, ones on premium networks, even ones from Japan.
Actually my favorites are the ones from Japan. Sometimes I dont want to go
on living, because I either love my life or I hate it. Theres too many
websites out there. Almost every single local band in Florida has a website.
Im wonder if my animation would start a new wave of Anime influenced
American animation. Actually Spawn and Dexters Laboratory were the
shows that started it. Im just contributing to the improvement of animation
in this country. Why do I have a feeling that even if I do become a celebrity,
than I wouldnt be one of those celebrities that everyone instantly recognizes
in public? When Im published Im going to get an unlisted number in the
phone book. After people watch my name on some credits of a comic book
or book or whatever, I dont want them finding my name in the Yellow
Pages. I remember a lot of things. My first day in school, my first kiss, my
first job, the first time I saw my name in print. The first time I got paid to
draw something for somebody. I remember a lot of firsts. I remember the
first comic book I got. It was a special edition Uncanny X-Men issue #300
that my Grandma gave to me as a present. It wasnt the best comic book I
had ever read, but it was pretty cool, and little did I know it was a sign of
things to come. I doubt Ill ever get up to the level of creative power where
studios are approaching me for projects. I think Ill have to do the
approaching all of the time.

Its getting late and Im feeling cold. Im beginning to want to embrace the
warm comforts of my nice cozy bed. Today was good, though. I just wanted
to get some late night last minute journal writing in before I went to sleep.
Goodnight moon! Tomorrows Saturday, which is always good.

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My family is broke as a joke, and thats no joke. I have income every now
and then, but I dont have near enough yet for a college, visiting California
and New York, a laptop, and other things. I just bought a ton of new comic
books today for only $18. I have a lot of different collections. Theres my
comic book collection, my c.d. collection, my journal collections, my
videogame collection, my collections of drawings Ive done, my book
collection, my anime video collection, my movie video collection, my
collection of lists, and my action figure and magazine collection. When I
grow up, I want to have a big collection of published works that Ive done,
but I dont know how soon that is from now. If I truly make a name for
myself in the industries, than I want to make my family and friends proud.
Hopefully Ill also have a collection of awards that Ive won. If I get
nominated for an award or awards than Im definitely going to write an
acceptance speech in case I win. Theres so much influence and inspiration
all around me everyday, whether Im somewhere in my hometown, at my
job or in my room, there are so many beautiful drawings and writings that
inspire me. My favorite recent comic books are Oh My Goddess, Liberty
Meadows, and Strangers in Paradise, but these are only some of my most
recent inspirational material. Some of my instructional books that Ive been
studying lately include books by Preston Blaire, Will Eisner, Burne Hogarth,
Kimone Nicholaids and Scott McCloud.

Seriously have to learn to master my own destiny as soon as I can before and
after I move out, because what about when my mother and father both pass
away? What then? I have to prepare myself so that when that time comes,
Ill be able to handle myself and live comfortably enough so that I wont
have a nervous breakdown and be able to deal with it when the time comes.
Because when mom and dad pass away, goodness knows that I cant rely on
my brother for moral guidance. Hopefully Ill have enough friends by the
time Im an adult that Ill have some people to talk to about my great loss.
Im just going to have to realize that life does go on, even after the loss of
loved ones. Its good that Im maturing by learning how to deal with my
personal life. I think maybe I should get out and try to find a girlfriend, but if
I cant find one I truly love, than thats okay as well.

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Now Im not going to have only one Akira movie but two Akira movies. Im
getting an extra one because the first one I found on eBay, and then I found
another one with my dad on a website called Sam the Record Man, but I was
already the highest bidder on eBay after I ordered the second video. Each
one coasted about $35 so the two videos have come to a total of about $70,
give or take a couple dollars. Thats an awful lot of money for only two
videos. I could get four or five regularly priced videos for that much money.

Some old shows that got played on TV. a lot when I was growing up. Shows
like Family Matters, Full House, Step by Step, Night Court, Murder She
Wrote, Married With Children, Saved by The Bell, Salute Your Shorts, The
Adventures of Pete and Pete, Home Improvement, Seinfeld, Frazier, Mad
About You, The Simpsons and Unsolved Mysteries. Some of the newer
shows that I watch include Tenchi Universe, Gundam Wing, Dragonball Z,
MST3K, Larry King Live, the Tom Green Show, Late Night with Conan
OBrian, the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and David Letterman, The XFiles, Malcolm In the Middle, Inside the Actors Studio, Talk Soup, Whos
Line is It Anyway?, Futurama, the Angry Beavers, King of the Hill and
Daria. I couldnt help but notice that almost all of these shows are animated,
unfortunately. Its not that Im more prone to watch a show because its
animated, its just that Im attracted to a show thats well written, well
executed, and innovative, but above all, original.

Have done enough writing in my journal for the time being. I have to get to
work on other things today so that I dont get into trouble with myself or my
parents.

Teach was right a while ago, when he made a statement about my bad
habits. He said that my parents try to give me a little push to get more done,
and give me another push, but what usually happens is that I try to sink back
into my shell, and usually try to justify my procrastination in my mind with
some excuse. This is so very true about me and my mind. Yes, its true.
Even Im not above criticism from myself.

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Dont just want to be good at cartooning. I want to be good at penciling and

sketching. I want to be good at animating. I want to be good at layout. I want
to be good at inking, painting and still life. I also want to be good at
storyboarding and cartooning. I want to be good at construction, anatomy,
shading wrinkles, hair and rendering. I also want to be good at gesture
drawings. If I want to be good at all of these things than Id better at least
spend a few hours a day practicing all the different aspects of drawing. I just
finished an inked cartoon of myself at the drawing table today, which took
me a long time to draw. Somewhere around an hour and a half or two hours.
The end result was very pleasing, though.

Will probably write a book one day, but until that day Im all for my art
thing.

Got a lot of things done yesterday. I drew for an hour and a half, filled up a
whole page of journal writing, read one of my new comic books, did a lot of
exercise, finished the Godfather video that I was trying to finish, meditated,
and I even played a little bit of drums. Thats a lot of stuff for one day.

The good thing is that even though Im not published yet, I already am a
writer. Ive done a lot of writing already. I write, so Im a writer. I dont
write for a living yet, but I am a writer, and I do write in a professional
manner.

Am beginning to understand how to be an artist and writer better than I used

to. More detail in a drawing means more time invested in making the
drawing. Every project that I end up working on is going to be a challenge to
me, whether its being a comic book artist, being an animator, directing
animation, painting, being a novelist, or being a film director, or even being
a script writer or inker. All these things hold great challenges to me. But as
long as I want to do what I do well, than its always going to be a challenge.
And learning to draw in multiple ways only takes more time to learn and
master, because theres different methods to different ways of doing things.
Comic book artists draw in a dynamic way. Animators and cartoonists draw

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in a loose and rough way. And manga artists usually use very thin, gentle
and beautiful lines.

Am going to be doing a lot of drawing so that Ill have some stuff to pick out
for my portfolio. My sketch book is beginning to look better and better every
day, as long as I draw every day. Im getting a lot better at drawing heads
and faces, but when I draw a drawing of a head, I usually leave out the body
for some reason, probably because Im not as familiar with bodies as I am
with heads. Its going to take a lot more practice, but I know I can do it. Itll
be worth it when I see the end result. After all, if I want to be a comic book
artist of any sorts, than Im going to have to be able to draw anything and
everything. When Im copying, I usually try to avoid tracing as much as I
can, unless Im having a lot of trouble copying a different drawing after
many attempts. Ive been making some real breakthroughs in my drawings
recently, and Im sure Ill make a lot more in the near and distant future as
long as I keep practicing.

I have a hunch that the idea for Circus Ninja might be hard to sell to
network or animation studio executives. It was tough to sell to my teacher,
so why wouldnt it be hard to sell to an executive. Before I go pitching and
selling, I have to get a show bible and pitch together. Im going to design a
series bible, write some scripts, draw some storyboards, copyright
everything and then Ill try to go soliciting, and companies either tell me yes
or no.

Ive been busting my ass lately so that Ive been able to produce a lot of
drawing so that hopefully Ill create a couple decent peaces of art that I can
include in my portfolio. Im getting close, but Im not quite to the level of
portfolio quality yet. The more fully penciled and possibly inked full
cartoons and scenes I can produce, and the more realistic characters I can
draw with hair, faces, bodies, and clothing in good poses, the better. The
more gesture drawings and detailed roughs I can do, the better. Ive
definitely made quite a bit of good drawings that I consider breakthroughs,
so Im definitely going to keep it up. Im getting a lot closer to the look that
Ive been trying to go for. I have to remember not to stop every time I make
a breakthrough.

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Going to learn to draw the natural way while seeing with the right side of my
brain. Im also going to learn how to draw comic book pages and cover the
marvel way as well as in the manga style with speed lines, thin lines,
shading screens, big eyes and what not. So Im aiming for a couple different
styles to be drawing in. Theres the indie style, the International style, the
manga style, the life animation style, and the stylized animation style.
Well, I just got my first Akira video from eBay today, which means my
Greatest Anime Films of All Time collection is complete. I have Ninja
Scroll, Ghost in the Shell, and now I have Akira.

Now Im going to try to think of as many Marvel titles as I can. Lets see.
There are X-Men, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, the Incredible Hulk, Iron Man,
Thor, Daredevil, Punisher, Silver Surfer, Ghost Rider, the Green Arrow,
Deadpool, Captain America, and Captain Marvel. Now D.C. has Superman,
Batman, Watchmen, Preacher, Flash, Green Lantern, JLA and Detective
Comics. I wouldnt mind working on any of these titles, but if I was an artist
or writer for any of them, than Id have to do research on the title Im
working on.

Im a pretty big comic book, anime, indie comic, music, and manga fan.
Anything thats well thought out and executed I like. I cant wait to get back
to writing stories and characters, which is one thing I do fairly well. I really
want to make up some new characters and life stories to go with them. My
characters are a lot more interesting and cooler than I actually am. I want to
make my characters complex, fragile, flawed, and memorable and above all,
interesting, even the antagonists, that is if there are actually bad guys in the
story Im telling at the time. I also want to create different worlds for
different characters to live in. I also want my stories to be about topics that I
dont necessarily have to know well at first, but at least have to have some
sort of an interest to me. I want my references and descriptions to be
accurate. As accurate as possible, all while sometimes involving the occult
and supernatural. I want to be able to write young characters just as good as
I can write adult and senior characters.

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Have always kind of had this urge way down in the basement of my cranium
to write a horror story, so Im doing just that with the story Leaf Season. Im
changing that urge and desire to a deep breath of relief and satisfaction of
knowledge that I finally got around to doing just that, and Im having a
fucking ball doing it!

Its almost frightening how amazing and grand some animation is, especially
anime.

If theres one type of music I could never fall asleep to, it would be
Industrial music. Im probably having some trouble thinking of something to
write about probably because its very late and Id rather be sleeping instead
of writing right about now. I like stories, especially novels, with plot twists.

Went to the dentist yesterday, and I just found out that sooner or later Im
going to have to have my wisdom teeth taken out. I asked my mom if the
whole thing is painful, and she said that Its survivable, which to me is
another term for very painful. This will be my first procedure performed on
my when Im under some kind of anesthesia. I dont think that the actual
procedure is painful, but the afterwards definitely is.
Im sure that when I do have to go through the surgery Ill write about the
whole thing in my journal.

Have gotten a lot of nice comments from people I know, and in the past
some I dont know, about my artwork, writing and musical ability. Its nice
to receive compliments, but I make a large effort not to let them go to my
head, because I know Im not really perfect. I do like constructive criticism
as well. I like the idea of letters, fans, fan art, contracts and royalty checks.
Ive had a lot of success with my art in the past two years. Im going to need
to ton some serious work in the next couple weeks if I want to draw some
decent anatomy drawings with clothes, shading, and hair.

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Its good to know that I dont only draw or only write. I do both, which will
be a very good advantage to me in the future during my career.

I own and Ive done a lot of different things. I have a collection of 357
comic books that I currently own. I own about 89 CDs. Ive drawn hundreds
of drawings, and Ive read a lot of books. I also have four different
illustrations that Ive done where Ive gotten paid money to do them, two of
which are getting nationally published in a book. Ive also read a shit load of
books and I have a pretty big video collection too. I wonder if therell ever
be any JM Strebler wannabes. That would sure be cool to say Many
imitators. One Strebler.

Glad Im on my way to becoming an animator, cartoonist, illustrator and

comic book artist. Im getting a lot closer. I want to be able to draw like
Glen Keane, Frank Cho, Burne Hogarth, and Jim Lee. I realize now that my
inks arent anywhere as relaxed and precise as my pencils and that Im going
to have to really work on them.

I took the 38 drawings I did over the last two weeks to lessons during
lessons earlier tonight, and he loved the drawings that I did. Teacher thought
they were great. This lesson was the best one Ive ever had recently by far.
Teach had me draw some of the pictures out of the Liberty Meadows and
Strangers in Paradise comic books, and the drawings turned out great.
Teach really liked the drawings I did there and so did I. This weeks lesson
was extremely funny as well. We told a lot of funny jokes and made each
other laugh a lot while I was there. I had quite a time! It couldnt have gone
any better. Im sure Ill bring him a lot more different and new drawings in
another two weeks. Ill just keep on doing what Ive been doing. I have a
pretty good idea of what I want to present to CalArts and SVA in my
portfolio, but its going to take a lot of hard work, determination and
perseverance on my behalf, but luckily Ill have two years left to do it. That
doesnt mean Im going to take this goal lying down though. Since Im
going back to school, Im going to work harder at going back to school and
getting a lot of quality drawings done than Ive ever worked before. I really
want to go to a good art school, so Im really going to work hard to achieve
my goal. I have to also figure out what art schools I can apply towards just in

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case I dont get accepted at either of my top schools. Ill have my mentor
write a good letter of recommendation for me when I apply to the schools, so
that Ill have a better chance of getting accepted.

I have to go to work today, but only for three and a half hours, which should
be a relatively easy task.

Since I want to be an artist as well as writer, I think I should get my

drawing down well, before I pursue my writing in case I want to illustrate
my stories or if Im illustrating someone elses stories. That way I wont
have as hard of a time creating the visual images to illustrate the plot. So in
other words, keep practicing a lot or Im not going to get anywhere. Being
able to illustrate and animate is an amazing advantage as far as career
possibilities are concerned. Its fun drawing out what I think the characters I
write should look like, as well as the places they live. Once I conquer my
fears that I have built up inside my mind, itll make my life a lot easier than
it has been in the past.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 10

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Also heres a question that Ive never really pondered very much. Its the
personal question in case I make it big of What do I do after Ive made it
big?

Ive noticed, especially recently that my writers mind is always on, even
when Im having everyday conversations. Im not afraid to laugh at my own
jokes, or even a well crafted corny joke thats been made by someone else.
Currently Im happier than Ive ever been before. Im uncertain as to
whether Im a creative genius or not, but keeping it a mystery to myself is
only more entertaining and fun for me. I try to walk the thin white line
between art and literature as perfectly as I know how. In other words, I like
to be just as skilled and well crafted at writing as I am with drawing. Dont
even get me started on my directing ability, because I dont know for sure if
I have one, but I like to think that I do deep down in me somewhere. I dont
know the meaning of the term catch phrase or clich. I do want to write
television comedy for a living, so that may be tough for some people in the
business to understand that I dont believe in catch phrases.

The comic books I create will show a manga influence.

There are some things I should definitely familiarize myself with if I want to
become a better writer, and they are classic literature, art, current events and
history.

There are so many bland American animated shows on television nowadays,

especially in Saturday morning cartoons that its hard to find an animated

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show or a live action show for that matter that actually has any valor, worth
and substance. Many shows that try to be hip and please a certain audience
usually end up lacking in depth or substance and fail the task of being
entertaining miserably.

I know what I believe what happens to you when you die. I dont believe
that heaven or hell truly exist. I believe that once you die, pieces of you soul
go into the hearts of people whose lives you have affected and who truly
love you and care for you. When you go into their hearts, theyll never truly
forget you and thats how your soul lives on. And if you manage to dispatch
as much of your desire as you possibly can, than you wont have to be
reincarnated and live another life of suffering. Thats why Im part Buddhist
as well as part agnostic. Because I also believe that the truth is that its
impossible to know if a God or multiple Gods exist.

I have quite a bit of things to strive for. Get a portfolio ready for college, go
to my job, get better grades in school, exercise, play FFVII, dont slouch so I
can straiten my spine out, meditate more often, read a lot more, practice
guitar and drums some, and save up more money for college. I cant forget
to practice typing as well.

When I grow up and if I become a professional writer, than I want to be a

good enough writer that I can switch from one form of writing to another
without too much trouble. Thats what the best writers are able to do. I think
scripts are easier to write than novels or song lyrics, but thats just me.
Studying acting, writing and directing methods will only improve not only
my knowledge of what I already know, but also my knowledge of things I
dont know as well. Knowing how to act will only make it easier to create
realistic dialogue and know how to direct actors and voice artists. When I
get into character, sometimes it can be difficult for me to get out of it.

Since Im becoming a writer, Im trying to learn how to create well crafted

drama, suspense, and humor. You have to be able to catch the interest of the
audience from the very beginning and learn how to hold it until well after
the story is done being told. Its very important when youre telling a story

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that the plot is at least partially character driven, if not fully character driven.
If your writing suspense, its very important having plot twists and the
unexpected. Predictability usually doesnt make a story interesting. A story
has to have character depth and conflict in order to be interesting. Im still
trying to learn how to arrange a proper plot format.

I just realized how hard it can be to sell an idea. Studios and publishing
companies get tons of concepts pitched at them every day. The business of
selling ideas is an extremely competitive one. Thats why your stuff has to
be more entertaining and original than the rest.

Just because you are an artist, writer or musician doesnt always mean
youre doing it as a job. I do a lot of different things, but right now Im
doing none of them as jobs. I dont really have very many friends anymore
and I dont really have that much of a life.

Here are two questions that I have trouble answering because it varies from
time to time. Am I happy? and Am I lonely? At times, the answer to
both these questions has been No, despite the fact that Im smart, Im
funny, Im original, Im creative, Im innovative, I have high moral
standards, I have a spiritual side, I make some decent money, I make good
grades and I have a good future and the family and friends I do have care for
and love me. Its because sometimes I have trouble finding anyone to
confide in. Fame and money arent everything. Although the answer to those
questions is sometimes yes as well.

As far as primetime animation in America goes, there isnt going to be a

next Simpsons. Im sure there will be other big hits, but not of a
Simpsonish nature, but thats nothing but my stupid little opinion and I
could be wrong on that one, as I am about so many other things.

When I move out of this town, I think I might miss certain things about it.
Ill miss some of the people here, especially my family. After I move out Ill
be on my own.

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Ill list some of my favorite bands: Theres They Might Be Giants, Primus,
Travis, the Smashing Pumpkins, Matchbox 20, Yo La Tengo, Nine Inch
Nails, Marilyn Manson, Weezer, Beck, Kahimi Karie, Barenaked Ladies,
Eminem, The Hippos, The Aquabats, Skinny Puppy, Phil Collins, Billy Joel,
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Danny Elfman, John Williams, The
Presidents of the United States of America, Bloodhound Gang, Phish, Ben
Folds Five, The Beatles, Beastie Boys, Eels, Elliot Smith, Radiohead, Green
Day, Combustable Edison, Isotope 217, and Royal Crown Revue.

have some drawing to get done today, and I plan to get it done, without a
doubt. Im a writer Im beginning to study classic literature instead of New
York Times Bestsellers. Since Im an artist Im studying fine art and artistic
geniuses. Since I like animation Im studying animation legends, quality
cartoons and anime. Since I like comic books Im studying comic book
legends, independent comics, mainstream comic books and manga. And
since I like film Im studying classic films, innovative modern films, and
filmmaking legends. Im also studying the technical terms of directing,
screenplay writing, editing and acting. There are many different things and
people that inspire me, and I have a lot of influences on my work.
So save your prayers. For when were really gonna need em. Were on a
sinking ship. Throw out your cares and fly.
Some people think I have wonderful taste and an excellent sense of humor.
Others think I have no taste and that Im not funny.

Ive met a lot of foreign people. Ive met people from Korea, Ireland,
France, China, and Britain and a Puerto Rican that was born in New York.

I think that the ability to create something deep and beautiful filled with art
is one of the ultimate joys a person can experience in life. Id like to think
that one day Id be able to create a great work or numerous great works
during my current lifetime. Schindlers List, The Shining, The Fragile, OK
Computer, Pulp Fiction, Saving Private Ryan, Todd McFarlanes Spawn

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animated series, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Johnny the Homicidal

Maniac, anything drawn and written by Will Eisner, The Natural Way to
Draw, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, The Lion King, The Sixth
Sense, Akira, and Mellon Collie and Infinite Sadness are all miraculous
masterpieces and works of art made by many geniuses. I dont know if Ill
ever make it to that level of quality, but Im hoping and possibly praying to
the gods of art and creativity that I do one day when I grow up.

Now that Im getting better at drawing, Ive been taking the idea of prescripting the comics that I write and draw into consideration. I still have yet
to attempt to write my first comic book script. I think that after quite a bit of
practice, I might get pretty good at it. I would definitely like to come up with
some comic book and animation series ideas besides Zounds and Circus
Ninja. I would like to come up with a human drama independent comic book
series. I would also like to direct animated music videos and possibly a
feature animated film, aside from writing many novels and directing, and
writing some live action films.

Just got writers block and cant think of anything to write about. This
happens to me far too often. However, earlier today my dad put up some
new book shelves in my room and that cleaned up my room a little, but I still
have to figure out what Im going to do with my notes and drawings. For
now Im leaving them on the floor. I cleaned up a lot of my writing desk so
it looks much nicer now.

Leaf Season, in case anyone asks, is a story about three high school outcasts
and it deals with the topics of adolescence, isolation, revenge, violence, and
rage.

Realized that Im not one of the best artists or writers in the world, for that
matter, but I am one okay storyteller. Im flexible enough as to where I can
adjust to pretty much any medium that I choose to use. I think Ill try to keep
myself out of the public eye though for as long as I can. My artwork is
getting published, my voice has been on the radio and my name has gotten in
magazines, but I still dont really consider myself that famous.

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As for old bearded artist/writers from the golden age of animation and comic
books, I think Id want to talk to Chuck Jones and Stan Lee, two legends
from both mediums of entertainment.

I just love to surprise people with my ideas. I take a great enjoyment in

giving people surprises. Im very honest and knowledgeable about what I do
well and what I do not so well. Im much better at pointing out flaws and
errors in my writing than I used to. For my writing, I need to work on
making my dialogue seem more realistic and doing more research on the
subjects that I write about so that they seem more accurate and realistic. I
dont want to keep all my ideas and wisdom bottled up inside forever. I want
to share my ideas and knowledge with other people, especially ones who
are close to me and my heart.

Suppose that Id better get to drawing pretty soon before I start feeling too
tired to draw again, but Id really like to finish two pages in one day on my
journal.

Dont want to have one distinctive style. I want my comic book artwork to
look different from my animation work. And I dont want either of them to
seem like my novel writing style. I also dont want my novels to seem like
my movies either. I want my scripts, poems, song lyrics and novels all to
seem different from each other, as if they were written by different people.

Therere certain times when I just have to swallow my pride and do the best
fucking job that I possibly can.

If I want to be a director of film, than that means that Im going to have to

start practicing eventually by taking pictures, writing scripts, learning more
about acting and making mini movies with a camcorder. You get into film
school the same way youd get into an art school, by submitting your best
work. I can draw and write, but can I direct film well. Thats a different

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question entirely. I have a lot of things to learn about making mini-movies. I

think if I had more knowledge, equipment and practice, than I could
probably get pretty good at it. I just have a hunch that I might make a
talented filmmaker. I like storytelling and I have a keen visual eye, which I
think are two signs of a good actor. Im no technical wizard, but I think
those skills can be learned if a person puts the extra effort in. I think until I
can get into a film school, Ill have to become a self-taught director. Ill
probably also become a colorist, inker and painter as well, However, what I
really need to become a lot better at is drawing and writing. I wish I could
meet a filmmaker so that they could teach me and give me advice about how
to make movies and films, because Im an amateur as far as directing goes.
It takes a lot of practice, just like anything else.

Called in sick for work today, even though I was only supposed to work for
three and a half hours.

Printed artwork is usually drawn a lot bigger than it looks in print, because
artwork looks better when its reduced.

Yesterday, I drew a copied drawing of some cover artwork from a Stangers

in Paradise issue (the one with David screaming to the sky in a treanchcoat
with blood on his hands), and I dare say that its my best drawing yet,
because from what it seems my drawing is in perspective, it looks a lot like
the original drawing, it shows composition, I really captured the emotion on
Davids face this time around (which is a recent technique Ive really be
striving to achieve), I used construction, The drawing had weight and
balance, and it makes excellent use of positive and negative space and it was
a detailed drawing I did in a very short time. When it comes to learning how
to draw, sometimes practice is simply the best teacher around.

Ryan Raymond is a good character name that I think Ill get around to using
eventually. I dont know whether hed be an antagonist or protagonist. Ryan
would probably be one of my more normal characters, with the exception of
a few extraordinary incidents that happen to him during his lifetime. Would
he live or die before he became geriatric, is he married, does he have a short

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temper, is he a creative person, etc., etc. I write these questions while sitting
at the word processor and taking a sip from a can of Mountain Dew every
now and then.

One of my favorite phrase from a song lyric is from a timeless and beautiful
song by the Smashing Pumpkins titled Thirty-Three, and the lyrical phrase
goes like this:

Speak to me in a language I can hear.

Humor me before I have to go.
Deep in thought I forgive everyone.
As the cluttered streets greet me once again.
I know I cant be late, suppers waiting on the table.
Tomorrows just an excuse away.
So I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own.

Every time I listen to a song that I like by the smashing pumpkins, it reminds
me of Illinois. Maybe its because the group originated from Chicago. Its
probably just a coincidence, though. It definitely is true that the American
style of entertainment is popular all across the world, whether its television,
books, movies, music, comic books or something else.

I dont know if Ill ever be famous, unless I invent some innovative and
revolutionary new style of writing, drawing or directing. People might
recognize me from other mediums. I love the way Akira Toriyama draws
ears! Just thought Id say that and get it out of the way.

Maybe I really am just a hack, no talent, sellout or one hit wonder, but at
least Im having fun doing what Im doing, being happy and loving my life.
I want to know that if Im successful, that my success means something in
all this modern day mess of a world.

Enjoy doing a lot of different things. Almost too many things to list in a
single sentence or maybe even paragraph. When I get into college, I sure that
things are going to change.

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For the people who can draw better than me, I have to go up and talk to them
and ask them questions about how they made the drawings they drew, and
chances are theyll give some really good advice.

Before I go to art college, Ive already been taking private lessons from my
teacher (who graduated from SVA, worked on various parts of Doug and
Beavis and Butthead, and also teaches regularly at the Disney Institute). Im
going to my part time job at Goodings supermarket bagging groceries. I was
working on a short story, but Ive taken a break from it, for personal reasons.
Ill get back to working on it eventually, though.

One thing I wonder is if Ill ever be truly satisfied with my success, even
when its better than its ever been. Falling asleep at the wheel is a very
scary thing, Im sure, but if someone begins to fall asleep while theyre
driving late at night, Im sure theyd be too tired to realize how frightening
the situation truly is.

Theres a thin line between insanity and genius. God do I love that
saying! You see things and you say why?, but I dream things that never
were and I say why not?. Theres another one that I love and live by.

I wish I could just get rid of all the hate, racism, egotism, greed and bigotry
in this world. There are so many injustices that happen every single day
somewhere during sometime in the world. Wouldnt it be nice to buy the
world one big toke so that it could just relax and not be so uptight, even
though Im not a drug user myself. Either do that or teach everyone how to
edify themselves.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 11

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2000

Damn. I just went to the comic book store and saw an awesome drawing by
a professional comic book artist who draws a lot better than I do. It was by
the artist who does Violent Messiahs, and he just drew the drawing with no
reference at a convention and signing. I might buy that piece of artwork just
so I could study it, because it was very damn good. I think I might start
collecting original artwork from other artists. I have a lot of my animation
teachers drawings because hes my teacher, but thats about it. My friend
Johnny has some of my good drawings and I think he really appreciates me
giving the drawings to him. I think itll be easier for me to adjust to working
in animation and then switching to comics than it would be for me to go into
comic books first.

If I really study those notes that my art teacher gave me and the ones I wrote,
draw for at least an hour a day every day that I have off, and read and study
the drawing and anatomy books I already have, as well as practice animating
characters, drawing the human figure and backgrounds, drawing character
designs and drawing and laying out comic book pages, than Im going to be
so far ahead in my fields that it wont even be funny, and Im serious about
this. More effort means more talent and better skill. Ill make a wonderful
animator as well as comic book artist. Ill be ten times better at what I do
than I would be if I didnt do all the things that I mentioned. For now Ill
stick to what I do best, for now. That would definitely help. No more bad
habits and laziness for me anymore, ever again. I havent studied writing as
much as I have drawing, but Im trying to balance both of them equally. I
dont want my writing to have holes and inconsistencies in it. Thats what
Im trying to get rid of. I like writing things that are pabulum, which means
nourishment of the mind. Im also going to try to learn new words and
facts at least a couple times a week. Pulp Fiction and Harry Potter are both
good names. Im a lot stronger than I used to be. Stronger in mind, stronger
in physicality and stronger spiritually, because Ive had a lot of spiritual
growth lately.

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Maybe one day Ill grow a pair of gills and start a new life at the bottom of
the Pacific Ocean with all the other strange sea creatures. Ill put it on my
list. Ha.

I think that tomorrow Ill send an email to Kathryn Williamson and ask her
how shes doing as well as tell her how my life is going. I wonder if I really
do have the true talent of writing in me to become a writer. I certainly hope
so. I want to get more feedback on my writing than I have in the past.

Theres never anything good on television anymore. Theres so much

garbage on TV nowadays. Im not sure why Id even want to be a part of the
television industry when there are so many better and less restricting
mediums to express my creativity in. I suppose that Im doing it in the hopes
that maybe if Im one of the lucky ones, I can make a difference. As of now
I have no immediate audience, except my family and teacher Phil, and so far
they really like my stuff. I dont think anyone actually enjoys watching
television anymore. Its more of a torture process when youre watching
channels like MTV. I dont know whether Ill end up being counter culture
or mainstream, and right now I dont care which one Ill end up being as
long as I keep finding new challenges and am proud of my work, than thats
all that matters. It doesnt matter if I make a regular amount of money or a
huge sum of money.

Tonight is one of those nights where I just dont really want to go on living.
Its a Saturday night and theres not really anything on television, which can
only end up contributing to my partial hatred of life at certain times,
including this one. Why am I doing all the things I do? Why dont I just
become a realtor or something like that? If I had a regular job, what type of
job would I have? All I really know how to do is think about things and
entertain people. If my entertainment career fell through and I couldnt make
a decent living at it, than what would I do instead? I think Id work a cash
register as a clerk at a store or do stocking. I could probably be something,
but Id have to be more knowledgeable of other things. I suppose I could be

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a journalist or English teacher. As much as I hate and dont understand my

life very much now, Im not going to give up.

I realize that the song lyrics, poems, and daily cartoons that Ive written and
drawn in the past arent very good, obviously because I dont practice them
enough. That means that Im going to need to practice a lot more often in the
future eventually. That Zounds! comic book that I created, as far as the
starting mini comic issues go, doesnt even compare to the drawings that
Ive done recently. Now Ive finally realized that my old drawings really do
suck. Sure they looked good to me at the time, but now I realize that they
suck. I had no conception of roughness, gesture drawings, anatomy,
perspective, composition, positive and negative space, drawing with my
shoulder and using construction. I was taking influence from artists such as
Todd McFarlane, Jhonen Vasquez and Jim Mahfood. Now I take inspiration
from fine art, Disney animators, anime, manga, drawing instruction books,
Chuck Jones, Ralph Steadman, Walt Disney, Will Eisner, Terry Moore,
Frank Cho, lots of different independent comic books, Marvel Comics, and
my animation teacher. These things understand what real art is all about. My
writing influences are as of yet undecided. Im still choosing them and
developing my writing skills. However, my Uncle Dick says that if I want to
become a writer than I have to study the classics, which is one thing Ill
definitely make time to do. I have musical and directorial influences as well.

Its early on a weekday morning when I write this. About 6 or 7 a.m. early,
but I woke up and felt wide-awake so I decided to get up and start my
writing work early. If this were vacation, Id probably draw early in the
morning and late at night too.

I believe that the ability to draw is an acquirable skill. Its just a matter of
seeing properly and seeing people and objects for their three dimensional
quality, tapping into the right side of your brain and being able to draw what
you see. A lot of people just like to draw and doodle without putting much
thought or mental effort into what it is that their sketching or drawing. I used
to be one of those people, but recently Ive made so many breakthroughs
that I dont draw that way anymore. I draw more as the professionals do. Not
completely as most professionals do quite yet, but Im getting there, and Im

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much closer than I used to be. Today Im going to attempt to get more work
done than usual when I get home from school today.

As soon as Im done with that book, Im going to begin reading that

grammar book that Uncle Dick gave me as a present: The Elements of Style.
Hes a writer and a retired journalist. After all, I do want to improve my
grammar. I would also like to improve my handwriting and typing, but those
are different subjects entirely. Drawing isnt a gift, I think. Its an acquired
ability. At least it is to me, anyway.

I have a newfound love for seeing, listening and observing that I didnt have
before. Inking to me, in a way, is like grammar. I have very little knowledge
about both of them, but Id like to learn about both of them and if I put in the
extra effort to learn how to do them well, than Im sure that Id do them both
very well. Right now, I believe grammar is making sure that all of the
mechanics in a persons writing are correct so it doesnt get misinterpreted.

My drawings nowadays turn out, for the most part, very well. Ive made so
many breakthroughs. And the truly amazing thing is that Im not even
practicing to my full extent yet. If I did that Id be even further ahead with
my art than I am now, and I could easily get into quite a few different
colleges. I just have to keep things in mind when Im drawing like good
poses, anatomy, shading, wrinkles and drapery, composition, positive and
negative space, pathosof feelings and emotionsa steady hand and arm,
foreshortening, gesture drawings, acting, contours, dynamics, perspective,
muscles, bones, pacing, timing, weight and balance, and construction. I have
a feeling that Im forgetting something, but I dont know what it is yet. As
for Disney animators, they have to concentrate on all those thing, and much
more, like the technical aspects of animating and especially timing. Comic
book artists have to concentrate on different things than animation artists do.
Comic book artists make sequential illustrations. Hopefully Ill do well in
school today and get all my work done. Ill make an extra effort to do this to
in addition to getting a lot of drawing done. Ill watch TV now, but if theres
nothing on, then I might go back to writing.

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Good news. At school I got all my school work done, but I also got three
drawings done while I was in class, and I read a chapter out of that Drawing
On The Right Side Of The Brain book in my spare time.

I was browsing the aisles of Park Ave CDs and Adventure Into Comics, and
I picked up a lot of comics, and that was when I saw one of the best comic
book issues that Ive ever seen, and I almost passed it up, but fortunately I
notice it and instantly bought it. I can only think up four words that can sum
up the newest issue of Oh My Goddess! And they are Bold, daring, intricate
and beautiful. This is one of the most amazing singular comic books issues
Ive ever seen in my life, if not THE most. Everything about the issue is
amazing, from the beautifully drawn cover of a woman in a red gown with
long dark hair, to the first couple of pages, all the way to the fan art in the
back of the letters column. Everything about this issue screams
masterpiece, and I havent even read the damn thing yet, I just thumbed
through it and looked at the panels, but I can already tell that its a very
superbly executed piece of sequential art. This is a portion of storytelling at
its apex, at least in my opinion. I also bought Crash Test Dummies and
Charlie Hunter CDs I also got a free Charlie Hunter t-shirt with my CD. I
would say that the line quality in the fan art is some of the best that Ive ever
seen in fan art. I would say that John Peters and Roy Del Castillo can draw
just as good as Kosuke Fujishima, but that would be a blasphemy to say that
their storytelling ability, inking style and draftsmanship is anywhere near
Kosukes skill level. Their pictures dont tell stories, but Kosukes does. I
noticed that in the fan art, the characters arent doing anything. They did
however capture the essence of his characters. Ill give them that.

For now Im done talking, Im going to stop slacking and start getting a lot
of drawing done now, for once in my life, but hopefully more than that.

So lets see. Today, I got up early and wrote a page in my journal, went to
school, did three drawings in class, practiced writing and scribbling with my
left hand in an attempt to start making myself more ambidextrous, got all my
school work done on time, read a chapter of Drawing On The Right Side of
The Brain in class, went home for a short time, drove with Mom to Park Ave
CDs and Adventure Into Comics and bought CDs and comics, got home,

P a g e | 122

listened to my new CDs, ate dinner, wrote another page in journal, got to
drawing desk and made three drawings, and I got all these things done
before nine oclock. I worked very hard today and I feel worn out and
exhausted, but the strange thing is that I feel like I could have gotten even
more things done today and its only a little after 9 oclock as I write this.

Oh god, its happening again! But this time Im not going to let it get to me.
In the last minute Ive come very close to getting sidetracked about the
uncertainty of my future. Im starting to think too much about the What-Ifs,
like what if I dont get into my top colleges and what if the media project
doesnt go through, but Im trying my damndest to keep those fucking WhatIfs out of my mind. Things will turn out all right in the end. I concentrate on
working hard and on drawing a ton so that I please myself; I have a kick ass
portfolio. I have to concentrate on anatomy and life drawing as well as
portrait drawing, and quick sketching, which is what Cal Arts wants to see. I
am doing well, but if the California Institute of the Arts doesnt accept me,
than I have to prepare myself to go to a different school and have a backup
plan. I have to think logically for once and work as hard as I can as well as
push myself. The truth is that I dont know what college that Im going to. It
could be any art school, or it might be some other school that I dont know
about yet. As much as I hate to admit it, I have to have faith. Not faith in
God, but faith in the art and creativity muses as well as the gods of art and
creativity, and my own true ability. I know deep down that I can accomplish
any goal that I truly set my mind and will power to. Humans and animals in
motion is what Im eventually going to have to get into, but I have to have
my anatomy down first as well as a solid drawing and composition
foundation. My drawing has been improving at a surprisingly rapid pace, but
I dont know if its improving fast enough so that it will be ready by the time
high schools over. I think its finally happened. Im actually not worried
about how much money or how famous Ill get. Thats daydreaming. What I
am worried about is drawing as much as I can in my spare time and taking it
day by day, which is what my parents and art teacher have been trying to
hammer into my thick skull all along. This simply means studying the
material, reference and drawing books that I already have as well as doing a
lot of gesture drawings and contours until I fully understand all of this crap. I
didnt get around to drawing today, but Ill do that tomorrow. I guess that I
know what I need to do. All I have to do is do it. I just have to figure out
little tricks along the way that will get me to work harder. I dont have to go
to my job at the supermarket tomorrow, so that means that tomorrow holds

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more drawing in store for me. If I want to get anywhere with my life, than
for now Im going to have to pick one or two things and be good at them,
which means throwing away my bad habits and preconceived symbol system
of shapes, but I think Ive already started to do that. Im through with
obsessing about trying to become important. Its not going to happen. All I
want to become is a truly disciplined and Ill just see where that takes me.
Im tired of being a mental and physical slacker. Practice is all that really
matters to me right now. I just finished writing three pages in one day and I
also drew three drawings. This is a new personal record of accomplishment
for me. As time in my life goes on, the amount of work that I produce per
day and week seems to keep growing and growing, which is an extremely
good thing. Thinking up new things as well as old things to redraw every
day takes a real conscious effort on my behalf, but now that Ive pinpointed
where one of my main problems is coming from, I can swat the
motherfucker like a fly!! Ha! Maybe the keys to my success today included
getting out of the house, becoming inspired by some fantastic artwork, and
will power. I also have to make sure I dont get discouraged from working if
certain family members start yelling. I guess all that I can say is Ah ha! or
Eureka, because Ive been enlightened once again.

Yesterday when I got done working on everything at home, my body started

aching. And it still aches a little bit today, but Im going to keep working on
my drawing and writing. I going to do the best as I can to make sure my
work discipline doesnt stop. I want to be an artist, writer, and director when
I grow up, so when I grow up Im going to make sure I live the life of an
artist, writer and director. But for me the saying Never put off for tomorrow
what you can do today definitely applies. If I did get married and did have
kids, I dont think Id mind to much as long as I was happy, but if neither of
these things happen to me, I dont suppose that Id lose any sleep over it.

Therere two kinds of people that talk and have conversations. There are
those who listen and then there are those who simply wait for their turn to
speak. As much as I hate to admit it, Ive been both at times in the past.
Maybe Im best at telling tragic types of stories, but I like suspense, drama,
humor, fantasy and horror as well. Tragedy is a part of life sometimes. But
the worst thing about it is that most of the time its unavoidable, which is
probably part of what makes it so tragic. If I had a son or daughter, I dont
know if theyd be interested in art, writing, and film.

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Two of the most beautiful women that Ive ever met are Amanda and Tammi
from my old school. Tammi especially is a better and more beautiful person
than I could ever hope to be. Im a hardworking piece of swine. My mind is
a twisted and tormented one, but I release my torment through my creative
work. I think one thing thats just as good as creating a masterpiece is being
able to invent characters who have depth and who are characters that people
care about and can relate to. Characters that people can laugh with, cry with,
get scared with and get mad with.

I dont go back and read my old journal entries as much as Id like to. I think
Ive developed a skill to tell what makes something truly entertaining,
satisfying, and innovative. Im a much more sophisticated and mature person
than I used to be. Im much better at handling my problems now. I used to
not even have a clue about how to deal with my serious problems. Soon Im
going to have to get around to doing contour and gesture drawings like mad.
Next time I get to drawing thats what Ill do, so that Ill actually get around
to doing it.

I think Ill stop watching broadcast television altogether. I doubt that itd
hurt me. Besides, Id get more work done if I did that. Most television shows
arent very interesting, original, or entertaining anyway. Maybe Ill start
listening to Elton John, Phil Collins, Billy Joel, Travis, J-Pop, and ska
instead, among other artists, drawing, writing, reading and listening to radio
instead. I think that until I get around to buying a laptop and Photoshop, Ill
focus on drawing and designing black and white art instead. I have a couple
other things to work on after I finish writing in this journal for the moment.

When I was little I was diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit disorder),
and it definitely shows sometimes. I have trouble going on about one
particular topic for a very long period of time. Its not impossible for me to
do, but its difficult at times. I also have nervous and anxiety attacks at
certain times, but fortunately, most of the time theyre only mild. My mind
is very active. At times it can be overactive and overworked, but thats
started to become more routine and normal to me.

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I just got done doing a couple drawings today, and damn did they turn out
good. I think Im definitely on my way to becoming an outstanding artist.
They were all based on other stuff, but I dont think it matters that much
right now. In case your wondering, I drew a picture of an aquatic character
from the Drawing the Marvel Way book, a copy of the fan art from an issue
of Oh My Goddess!, and I also redid the drawing of a figure punching from
the Preston Blaire animation book. All of them turned out well in my
opinion. Despite the fact that these three drawings turned out very excellent,
not all of my drawings are going to turn out superior. I know that I still have
thousands and thousands of bad drawings still left in me. I still have a ton of
anatomy, contour, portrait, quick sketch, gesture and layout drawings to do,
but Im off to a very good start. Maybe I should have a cold more often so
that I can always draw this well. I also have to remember to study the
drawing books, the notes my animation teacher gave me and the book of
notes written by Disney animators. I dont know if Ill ever be the next John
Buscema, Burne Hogarth, Glen Keane, Kosuke Fujishima, Will Eisner, or
Chuck Jones, but Im definitely doing very well with my art right now. I
probably didnt even spend a whole hour at my drawing desk today. As long
as I keep drawing, there is no such thing as a bad drawing day. I now know
that when I say theres nothing I can think of to draw, Im probably just
misleading myself and tricking myself into not drawing for the day. I will
admit that I definitely made some breakthroughs today and yesterday. Being
creative, hard working and challenged, to me, is all about being uncertain,
scared, and vulnerable. When Im practicing my drawing, the more
vulnerable and uncertain I feel, the more beneficial that specific type of
practice is to me, because that means that Im being truly challenged to work
hard and do a good job. I know this is true from experience. It helps me
overcome creative or artistic setbacks and struggles. I think that was the case
today for that drawing I did from the Marvel drawing book, which is
probably why it led to the breakthrough, because I tend to not like spending
a lot of time on a certain drawing, but thats what I did, which means Im
beginning to start overcoming one of my extremely bad habits. So in other
words creative pain is more beneficial to me than easiness. After all, that
which does not kill me only makes me stronger. Im learning to face my
fears.

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I think that since Im only working three hours today, that Ill most likely do
some contour drawings in the evening. Once I become skilled at contours,
gesture drawing, anatomy, portrait drawing, inking, and using my shoulder
as well as the right side of my brain, drawing is going to be a lot easier for
me. Im a ton closer to reaching my goal since Ive been practicing a lot, but
Im not quite there yet. My hands, line quality, and bodies are looking a lot
better though, especially the copied drawings that I do. I think Im starting to
understand how to construct a drawing better. Im going to study anatomy
and the nude figure before I try to dig into attempting to draw clothing,
wrinkles and drapery. I wonder if Im beginning to become what I hate. Why
am I beginning to hate everyone? Why?! Maybe its because Im working
and my day job didnt end up being my first choices. It doesnt pay well
enough, I dont work very many hours, and its not very challenging. I can
bag groceries with both hands tied behind my back. I dont even have to use
much mental effort to do a good days work. And some of the customers
annoy the piss out of me, not all of them but some of them. Drawing and
writing are much more challenging and enjoyable to me than bagging
groceries. That supermarket has fucked me over as far as my pay goes. I was
told that when my ninety day evaluation was up that Id get an evaluation
and most likely a raise. Ive been working there for close to a year and Im
still making $5.50 an hour, the same amount I was making the day I started.
My life and mind are too much of good ones for me to complain too much.
But sometimes things like this frustrate me. All I can do is hope that I can
get a job at the art or bookstore sometime after I turn seventeen. The average
amount of money that I make per week is about anywhere from $40 to $80. I
think Ive figured out that the job that I have now at Goodings isnt going to
amount to very much in the big scale of things, so Ill think about my art
more, because I enjoy it more. My future is very uncertain. I think Im
starting to make things out to be worse than they really are again. Sometimes
I want to cry. Sometimes I want to celebrate. Maybe my priorities really are
screwed up, since Im typing in my journal after I got home from my job
instead of drawing a contour of my hand like I was planning to do. Payday is
one of the good things about my job though. I like to get paid and talk to my
coworkers and customers at work.

I suppose that in a way, at times I am anti-TV and anti-pop culture. Thats

why I like and want to work in comic books, literature and movies. I think
those three media, for the most part have much more valor and intelligence.

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Maybe I wasnt meant to work a regular 9 to 5 job. Maybe its my destiny to

entertain, edify, and brighten peoples days as well as give other people
knowledge, inspiration and hope. Paydays at my day job are two good things
I remember from my later teenage years. But lets not forget time spent at
my drawing desk and at the word processor. After you get out of school for
the time being, all you basically do is work, drive around and live your life
and get to know the people in your life.

I know now that even though Im very intelligent, Im not an artistic or

literary genius. If I was, then every sketch that I drew would be a rival the
best work by any artist from the Renaissance, and every thing that I wrote
would rival the best of classic Western and Eastern Literature.

Dave Barry, Jhonen Vasquez, Kevin Smith, Wizard Magazine, Garfield, and
animated cartoons had a pretty big influence on my style of humor.
Although I think I have a sense of humor uniquely my own that I dont think
anyone has touched on quite yet. I think its very enjoyable to write comedy
and humor, especially when youve finished vomiting several times and are
very gassy. How delicious.

Theres nothing like lying or sitting down and curling up next to a good
book or watching a good movie with popcorn. I also like curling up on a
cushion and getting into a good game of Final Fantasy VII. Same thing goes
for comic books. Theres something magical about movies and books that
just isnt there in TV. A kind of escapism, if you will. But there is no magic
to the magic, as a Disney animator once said. Its a lot of hard work,
which is so very true, as Ive learned from experience. Youth was so much
less stressful for me than adolescence. Ive been neglecting returning mail as
well as FFVII.

Many people are probably mean all around. Im beginning to doubt that it
matters what state a person goes to.

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I want to be just as crafty with a pencil, pen and comic book paper page as
any artist is. I like to study manga issues so that I can absorb the techniques
that the artists use. The thing that I really like about manga artists is that they
have very steady and articulate inking hands, so their inked lines have a very
clean smoothness, intensity, and consistency to them, especially Kosuke
Fujishima. Im not the greatest comic book artist, animator, inker, novelist,
script writer, or director in the world, but I still try as hard as I can, despite
that. Im still a very hard worker, a lot better of a worker than I used to be. I
can draw and write pretty well. I do it okay. Not spectacularly like some
artists and writers can do, but I can do both of my crafts fairly decently. I
dont have to work tomorrow, so I know what that means. I get to spend the
whole day at the drawing board! All right. I was beginning to miss that right
brained feeling that I always get at the drawing board. Im off to a very good
start on the rest of my life.

I wonder if Ill ever have a truly international hit on my hands. If I did, than
it might just make me famous. That would have to be very cool having
people know about you in countries that you havent even been to.

I wonder what Ill do when I become old and wrinkled, and most of my hair
is gone from my head. My childhood years are gone and Ive already entered
my late teens. Ill be 17 in two months, and a year after that Ill be 18, and
after that, before I know it Ill be in my 20s, and out of college. I dont really
know what I want to do primarily for a living. I know what I want to do and
what Im good at, but I dont know what Ill be doing the most and what Ill
be the most successful at. Im should really learn how to handle adjusting to
living on my own.

Why is everyone in the entertainment industry so afraid of offending

nowadays? Everything is so watered down, its disgusting. Fortunately most
forms of Literature arent watered down, even nationally published
magazines.

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Anime has definitely hit the American television mainstream big time.
Everybody knows about it now, which kind of takes some of the fun out of
it. But its nice to see more people appreciating this type of animation. The
same thing happened to music with VH1 and MTV on TRL. Movies are
very much in the mainstream as well. I wonder if the same thing will happen
to books and comic books eventually. I want to try to erase that stereotype
that says comic books are just for geeks and kids. Theyre not. Also, why
does everyone, when they think of comic books, most people automatically
think that every comic book is a full color superhero series? I dont know if
anything I did would change that, but Id hope that it would. I also dont
know if Ill ever be the international ambassador of counter-culture. I dont
know if you can call anyone that. I just hope that more people start reading
books and comic books.

It seems that every time I try to do something, than its not popular to the
people around me anymore. I think what Alternative means is not popular.
Sometimes I wonder how much of a difference Ill truly make in the big
scale of things when I grow up, but I dont think that Ill ever truly know,
because Ill never get to talk to all of the people who my work might reach.

I always like to find out whats happening in the international and global
scale of things as far as the entertainment industry is concerned. For
animation, comic books, and music, Id definitely like to know whats
happening in Canada, Japan, the United Kingdom, and of course the United
States, but I dont have to do much searching to find out whats happening in
America. Actually, I just like to know whats happening in other countries,
continents, and nations, period. I think its the greatest thing in the world for
different countries to learn and know things about each other as well as
exchange ideas. I also like the idea of different entertainment mediums to
acknowledge one another, like the animation and comic book industry,
books and comic books, movies, music, etc. I love the intermingling aspect
of it all.

This is a very good sign. Its only a little bit past 12:00 p.m. and already Ive
finished writing a page in my journal, and I ready and raring to read a page
out of that Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain book and get to drawing

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for the majority of today. Its time for contours, baby! Contours and many
other drawings.

The Olympics is the most watched television event in the world, I think.
Im not sure how I always manage to churn out a page a day on my
computer journals when I used to have trouble getting one fourth of a page
done before. I disgust myself sometimes with some of my troubling thoughts
and ideas, but thats what comes with being a writer who writes about such
grim and strange topics. Youre bound to get a taste of your own medicine if
you play with fire for long enough. Ive become a victim of my own
imagination. When you write about controversial subjects like death,
violence, racism and murder, among other things, it can be tough to feel
comfortable sometimes, especially when you have an audience, but I guess
that is one of the prices you pay. I cant wait to get around to practicing
comic book page layout and inking finished work. Ive discovered a few
new inking and cleanup techniques that Im just dying (not literally) to use!
Like using shading screens, for example, splattering ink over a page, and
scraping ink off of a page with a razor to create a scattered effect. I know
there are other inking techniques that I havent figured out yet, but Im sure I
will one day, eventually. I wonder what technique Frank Cho uses on hair
when hes inking it. I just found out today how Kosuke Fujishima inks part
of the hairstyles that he draws, and I plan to use the techniques that Ive
learned in the future sometime. Notice that I said part and not all, and
thats because I havent figured it all out. Just part of it. I also have to
practice my speed lines in different views and perspectives so that I can
make them look good when I draw them, like in manga, and not like one big
ugly, sloppy, uneven mess.

Jesus Christ!!! The phone in the computer room started ringing right as I was
typing about half a minute ago, scared the shit out of me and nearly gave me
a heart attack.

The weird thing about my life is that its at least three or four years after I
got done dating Heather, and yet Im still hearing about her from people I
know to this day at school and at my job from people like John S and

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Amanda M. She was my first girlfriend and like it or not, shes part of my
past and younger years, for better or worse.

Whats up with the whole evolutionism vs. Creationism debate thing, or the
whole pro-life vs. pro-choice thing? Id like to do research on all four of
these subjects. There are so many topics out there to write about. Its not a
matter of finding new subjects to write about. Its a matter of finding new
ways to write about topics. Writing novels isnt too hard to do, as long as
you have a writing method that works, and I believe that I do.
If I want to write a lot of novels, like anywhere from ten to twenty, than Im
going to have to not worry so much about always using finding new topics,
but finding original and new ways to write about old as well as new topics,
and its also a matter of creating a ton of believable and realistic characters
who have different minds, lives, and personalities. I think Ill start writing
down descriptions of people that I already know in my life, so that they can
give me inspiration for characters, like Jeff and Cheryl from my work, for
instance. Theyd make wonderful fictitious characters as far as personalities
and backgrounds stories are concerned. To be a writer, you have to be aware
of and record the world around you through your writing. You cant be
afraid to observe whats happening around you. You have to try to imagine
what its like to live inside the body and mind of other people who are
different from yourself, like figuring out what its like to have a disease of
some sort, what its like to be a member of a minority whos facing
discrimination from other people. I am a minority, despite the fact that I
dont know which one, and Ive faced some careless discrimination before
from different people. It never really got to me though, for some reason. I
guess Im just thick skinned.

I just got home from going to a late night dinner at a restaurant called
Bakelies with my friend Johnny B, who called to ask me to have dinner at a
restaurant somewhere right after I got home at 8:00 p.m. from my job. It was
good to get out of the house and go to some place with a friend. Since I cant
go out to places with a girlfriend, because I dont have one yet, than Ill go
out at night with the friends that I already have. I dont mind. Its good to get
out of the house once in a while and do things. I had a wonderful
conversation at the restaurant with Johnny. Its good to know that my friend
is doing well. He has more of a life and social life than I do. I also got to
show him a lot of my recent drawings when Johnny dropped me off at home

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and he said that Ive improved a lot. This is very good. Everyone whos seen
my older and more recent drawings thinks that Ive improved a lot, and I
believe that I have as well. Ill just have to keep practicing. Ive improved a
lot at my drawing and writing because Ive been practicing a lot. Right now,
Im just practicing drawing and writing nothing in particular with no
particular goal in mind, except to hone my skills. Recently Ive taken a break
from my different projects for this reason, but Ill get back to working on
these projects soon. The three projects are Zounds (my comic book series),
Circus Ninja (my animated series), and Leaf Season (my short story). The
only reason Ive taken a break from all of these ideas is because Im trying
to get better at controlling my crafts before I truly put them to work. Ive
basically been working on controlling my crafts, building up a good work
ethic, and getting into college for the first time, which I think is the most
responsible path that I can take. Holy shit! Its already the end of the
weekend and its almost the beginning of Monday. Hopefully Ill still be
able to get up early tomorrow, go to school and stay awake as well as get all
of my work done. If this is what its like to have a life, then people with lives
have it made! Fuck fame and money. I like having a life, although Im kind
of kidding in a way. My city isnt too bad, but I think Id rather be living in
Winter Park or certain parts of Ocoee than where I am, like the part where
my animation teacher lives. Im actually beginning to like living in Florida,
but Id rather be living in California, New York, or some overseas country
that I like. My time spent at work today wasnt the best time Ive ever had in
my life, but the time I got to spend with my best friend made up for it, so I
suppose that my day hasnt entirely been ruined. I had to work seven hours
at my job today, by the way. I think its getting closer to go job searching
once again.

Damn, its already 11:40 p.m. at night and Im not very tired. I hope that I
can get to sleep easily, though, so I can wake up easily. Ive got hiccups
right now, which are kind of irritating. I wonder what causes hiccups. Ill
have to call my workplace tomorrow after school to get my schedule for next
week. Hopefully I wont have to work tomorrow so I can get some more
drawings done. Im through with worrying about the future. After what
happened today, I realize that Im going to start sitting back and enjoying the
here and now. Id probably die of a bloody ulcer if I did otherwise.

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What I hoped wouldnt happen is going to happen. I was afraid I might have
to work today, and it turns out that Im going to have to, despite my protests.
That guy is an ass. Thats all I can think of to say about him, but I never
really liked him that much in the first place, so that comment doesnt really
mean two shits in the big scale of things. The only bad thing is that I have to
work with him most of the time because he also works at the supermarket. It
pisses me off just to be around him. Hes an annoying slacker too. I
personally dont think that he does his job very well. I wonder why they
even bothered hiring him. I think the reason I hate him so much is because
he brings back acid memories of middle school, since we went to the same
school, which is not a good thing for me. Maybe Ill luck out and hell get
fired, or something of that nature. That way I wont have to kick his ass. Just
kidding folks! I would never resort to violence unless it was necessary, like
if the brain snatchers and zombies took over the city of Orlando and I had to
destroy as many of the people who got turned into monsters as I could. If the
guys skin tone suddenly turned to a deathly gray, many of his teeth and both
of his eyeballs fell out, he walked with a shuffled limp, smelt like a corpse
and made groaning sounds, than Im afraid Id have to bash his head inside
out and decapitate him with a metal shovel, so that he couldnt rip my brain
out of my head and eat it whole. Theres a disgusting and disturbing idea. I
couldnt be more proud. If Id have to pick between a shovel, a shotgun and
a chainsaw, Id either choose the shovel or the chainsaw, because I dont like
firearms very much. They frighten me most of the time. Using weapons to
kill zombies is taking the easy way out. Now killing a zombie with your
bare hands, and not getting mutilated or torn to a bloody pulp in the process,
well that, my friend, is a challenge. Sorry about getting carried away on the
last part. I just let my horror writer imagination and instinct get the best of
me, although why the fuck am I apologizing? I like talking about things like
this. I like pondering questions like How would a person dispose of a
member of the undead using nothing but their own bare hands? These kinds
of things fascinate me and stimulate my mind as well as imagination.

I just got home from work tonight, and Ive started to listen to that The
Miseducation of Lauryn Hill CD Its always nice to have one calorie of hiphop in my rhythmically fattening music diet. Lauryn Hill is one hip-hop
artist that I dont mind listening to here and there. I have trouble
comprehending things like racism and killing in the name of the lord or even
God.

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If I was writing about historic time periods, Im trying to figure out how to
make it realistic as well as accurate and putting the reader there, without
fucking the whole accuracy thing up.

I hope Im never thought of as a spokesperson for any particular ethnic

group. I do support ethnic groups. My skin is some kind of an ethnic color,
but my personality. Well Ive never really thought of my personality as a
very ethnic one.

Heres a popular Christian saying. Forgive us father. For we forgive those

who trespass against us. In the name of the father, the son and the Holy
Spirit. Amen Im not a Christian or anything else like that, but when I was
little, my mother, being a good Christian took my brother and I to church. As
boring and meaningless as the ceremony of Sunday Mass seemed and still
seems to me, some of the sayings stayed in my mind from time to time, like
the quotes I just said. I think Christianity is nothing more than one big
hypocritical business, but I do think that buried deep within all the bullshit
are some hidden good moral standards to live by. I really wish that I could
believe organized religion if it made more sense, but there are too many little
holes in the system that catch my eye, so Ill stick to agnosticism, mysticism,
self-restraint and non-organized spirituality like Ive been doing. I wish I
could believe. I really do. But I have a very hard time putting my faith in
something that people cant even truly prove exists for sure. If I were to
believe in a higher power, Id believe in many different gods who are
responsible for different aspects of life, which in a way is also what I
believe, but these beliefs of mine are very difficult to explain to other
people. I hope my beliefs stay more stable in the future than they have been
in the past. I used to be an atheist, but then I realize the lifestyle and
mindsets that I had more resembled agnosticism and Zen all along. My
current beliefs make me feel enlightened, satisfied and happy, which is why
Ive chosen them. Ill openly admit that I dont believe in Jesus or
creationism, though.

I think Billy Corgan said it best when he sings Living makes me sick. So
sick I wish Id die. Down in the belly of the beast. This is exactly how I feel

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at times, but only sometimes and not all of the time. But then I think of the
Trent Reznor lyrics that go You and me. Were in this together now. We
will make it through somehow. Which I think is very true to the way I think
also. This is probably because of the bad things I think in the back of my
mind sometimes. They make me feel sick, very sick at times. They make me
feel sick and aggressive. I dont have thoughts about killing or any moronic
things like that. Its just that when Im talking to someone face to face,
sometimes Ill think rude thoughts in the back of my mind. I cant tell my
counselor about these thoughts. But Ill beat those thoughts. Ill shut them
off and ignore them somehow and become at peace with the world and
myself more often. I have to have faith, but in case I lose that than I have to
have hope, which is my backup. The key is to not focus on the negative and
focus completely on the positive. Fortunately, whatever it is thats been
bothering me tonight, will probably be gone by the time I wake up tomorrow
morning, thank the gods of peace and prosperity for that. For now, my
creativity or drawing and writing are my therapy. Theyre very therapeutic
to my mind, relieve a lot of stress, and get rid of a lot of my insecurities and
personal worries. And again, I can thank the gods of knowledge and my
never ending edification for that. Whoa! I just typed three pages in one day
once again. How cool is that!? In a way this accomplishment has amazed
me, although my knuckles are starting to hurt an awful lot.

I believe it would be possible to live in a society full of atheists, as long as

most of them were philosophers. One person that Ive talked to about
religion who is a Christian thinks that if youre a non-believer that because
you dont believe in God, than that means that youre putting yourself above
God, and therefore its the ultimate act of blasphemy and selfishness. If
youre an atheist or agnostic, it doesnt necessarily mean that youre selfish
and think too highly of yourself. It just means that you question Gods
existence and doubt that there actually is one. It doesnt necessarily mean
youre self-absorbed, just skeptical. Its more important to have high moral
standards and to treat other people equally than to be religious. I am a
spiritual person, just not a religious person. Some people would wonder how
that would be possible, but I know that it is possible.

Today at school, I admitted in front of the other kids that Im not a religious
person, and I think they started avoiding me and being hesitant to be around
me or talk to me at the end of the day. I made a joking comment saying that

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Im driven by Satan just to mock the whole subject matter, and some of them
gave me strange looks. I think they actually believed the Satan comment that
I made and took me seriously. I guess a lot of people take their religion way
too seriously nowadays. Andy, not the big one, but the small one, thinks I
have a very big ego. Maybe I do deep down, but I dont believe that I do.
Im a Buddhist/agnostic that uses self-restraint and intellectualism as his
weapon. Maybe I am evil, damaged, dangerous, psychopathic, unstable and
poisoned to my rotten core as well as too fucked up to care anymore. I dont
believe in God and am fascinated by the occult and supernatural, but I dont
think that truly makes me a bad person. Im just creative and average
everyday things very often turn me off. Maybe Hollywood and the
entertainment industry are evil. I somehow doubt that too. But a lot of things
that are meant as nothing more than harmless entertainment get protested or
inspire psychopaths and deranged people to do bad things. At times I can
seem like a very spooky and creepy person, which is probably one of the
reasons that I dont have anyone special in my life.

I used to really want to become the next superstar Jhonen Vasquez success
story, but then I realized what a short-sited goal that really was, which I was
trying to set for myself. The things I decide to say may not be the most
popular comment, view or opinion to say at the times I say them at, but I do
think that very often they are the most truthful, and for that reason,
sometimes it really hurts me to say them, especially to other people.

My opinion is that you wouldnt find all the most interesting people on earth
in Heaven. I think youd be more likely to find them in Hell. I may be going
to Hell when I die, but at least Im having a fun time getting there. After all,
its not the destination. Its the journey, as some like to say. But I dont
believe that Hell or Heaven exist, so as far as Im concerned, I dont believe
Im really going anywhere when I die, but my soul is probably going to go
into the hearts of others. I do believe in souls and spirits, as well as
enlightenment. Im going to get to drawing very soon. Im going to as soon
as I finish writing in this journal, actually. Im not sure what Ill draw, but
Ill figure it out eventually. I hope that I make a good animation scriptwriter,
but If Im not, than Ill just have to become one through a lot of practice in
that particular field.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 12

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2000

I need to get back to meditating and praying to the gods of all those different
things. I havent done the things that Ive said that I need to do, and thats
never a good sign, so very soon Im going to stop talking about responding
to mail, reading, or playing Final Fantasy 7, and do all of these things in a
couple days, if not in a single day. I really should find myself a girlfriend
sooner or later, and that would mean having more courage to talk to people,
which certainly wouldnt hurt me. Things that Id like to have and own tee
shirts from include JtHM, the Gundam franchise, Dork, Milk and Cheese,
Clerks, DBZ, Eltingville, Superman, Green Lantern, Fantastic Four, TMBG,
NIN, The Sopranos, Spawn, Final Fantasy, Hectic Planet, Strangers in
Paradise, Liberty Meadows, Akira and many other favorite bands and comic
books of mine. I also like tee shirts with original and funky designs and
Japanese writing, as well as shirts with funky designs on them. I wouldnt
mind designing t-shirts and baseball caps for people to wear as well. I would
really love to buy that Dork tee shirt with the saying Burn in Hell on it.
Also, the Eltingville and Happy Noodle Boy shirts are on the top of my list
of shirts to buy as well. I think that the Dork shirt would shock a few people
though, simply because of the saying on it. I do pick out some pretty fucking
strange shirts to own, although my animation teacher and I both think I have
a good taste in shirts. I have a pretty damn cool t-shirt collection.

Amanda M complimented me today when I helped her with some of her

Math schoolwork today. It was an easy problem that involved rounding to
the nearest ten, too. She said that Im really smart and that she wishes she
were smart like me. That was a very kind thing for her to say to me. Ive also
found out that sometimes Ill get more work done if I indulge my stupidity
and shut my mind off, so that I can actually get to work. So far, its worked
every time. I can sit back and philosophize as much as I want to, but doing
that probably wont get me into a very good line of work, especially in

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comic books and animation. Those mediums are all about getting work done
on time before its past the deadlines. I wonder what its like to be a skater
or thug. I already know what its like to be a dork and geek. I dont know
what its like to be a baby boomer or goth, but Id like to know what its like
to be all of these different things.

In my writing Ive been searching for a writing voice uniquely mine for the
past year or two in my journals, and I think Im getting closer to obtaining it.
Im getting farther and farther away from my writing style seeming like a
cartoony style rip off of my idols with every journal entry that I write and
getting closer to molding my own unique voice. Its the same thing for
drawing. When you practice for years and years and many other years, your
true drawing style will eventually come without too much exhaustion on
your behalf.

I have to go to lessons tonight on a Wednesday because yesterday my

teacher had to postpone lessons till today. I cant wait to show him the
drawings I did in these last two weeks. Im very excited and anxious to get
to lessons, but I am every time I go to lessons. Out of all the drawings that I
did in the last two weeks, theres probably only one or two that I dont really
like that much. The other twenty four or so have me extremely pleased.

I got back from lessons, and apparently all is well with my artistic skill and
development. I have some new assignments for the next two weeks, and one
of the things the teacher wants me to do is go out to some place and draw
people and animals in motion or sitting or standing still. Also inking and
animating as well as drawing pictures that I see also will help me. Portraits,
contours and gestures are also things Im going to have to do, but Ill keep
studying clothing, composition, layout and anatomy as well. So it looks like
Ill be very busy once again.

I think that Im probably in the big time minority. Im ethnic, Im an

intellectual, Im creative, I have ADD and anxiety, Ive gone insane, I read
indie comic books or comic books for that matter, I go to a non-religious
private school, Im overweight, I want to do traveling when I grow up, I like

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anime and manga, and Im agnostic as well as Buddhist. I think anyone who
has any of these conditions automatically gets put in some sort of minority. I
think Ill stop typing now. Its getting rather late. I know what I need to do
in the next couple days. Now all I have to do is do them.

To be quite honest, a job with a six-digit salary or more probably wouldnt

mean shit to me if it wasnt fun at all or if it didnt challenge me. Thats why
I want to work as an artist and a writer as well as directormost of the time
it challenges me. Im always striving to attain a higher level of quality. My
level of quality is a lot higher than it was two years ago. I also bought two
books today. Dynamic Light and Shade by Burne Hogarth (yes another
Hogarth book) and The Technical Pen by Gary Simmons. Id been looking
at these two books for a while and I finally got around to buying them.
Looking at the drawings in them definitely makes me want to strive for a
higher level of quality, especially on detail and intricacy. Right now Im
more inspired by intricate drawings and illustrations than by comic book,
cartoon, or animation art, although all of these things inspire me as well.

I know deep down that Ill most likely make a good painter and inker one
day as long as I practice my little heart out at drawing. When I get out of
college Im probably going to be working somewhere near ten to twelve
hour days. At least thats what Im hoping for. So Id better start preparing.

I believe Im beginning to see art and writing the right way and am
beginning to make a lot of mental and visual breakthroughs. I thank the gods
of art and creativity for that. Even when I eventually reach that superior
level after tons and tons and probably a lifetime of practice, I think that I still
wont think of myself as perfect or a genius, because as far as art and writing
goes, theres no such thing as perfection. Perfection is only a momentary
state of satisfaction attained with ones work. And at the rare moments when
things like that happen to me, when that feeling passes over me, I feel so
happy that I could just cry. Its happening to me right now just to know that
Ive made so many breakthroughs and have improved to this degree. Good
drawings take a lifetime of practice to make. Thats a long time and a lot of
hard work. Norman Rockwell, Kosuke Fujishima, Will Eisner, Burne
Hogarth, Glen Keane, and Ralph Steadman are pretty big inspirations to me

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as well, as of now. What inspires me could change with time as I get older
and wiser. Can I draw better than my classmates at my high school? Yes.
Can I draw better than a professional? I suppose thats all a matter of
opinion. I dont really want to say yes or no, because Im too big of a fan of
theirs to say one way or the other. Anyone who can draw a ton better than I
can is usually an influence and an inspiration on me. Im not one bit worried
about professional success or getting published. Im simply worried about
learning as much as I can, keeping an open mind, getting into a good art
college, practicing a lot, and working very hard. I think it will be easier to
get really good at drawing lifelike stuff and then switching to somewhat
abstract stuff instead of vice versa. As far as comic books and animation go,
I dont think either one would be easier to go into first or second. As long as
I learn to draw properly first, both will be equally challenging and equally
attainable goals.

So I guess Id better review the things that I need to do besides drawing and
writing in their basic formats: Write to Miss Choi and Kathryn Williamson,
draw more contours, copy more drawings, go to zoo or other public place to
do gesture drawings of people and animals, do portrait drawings, read
comics that I bought, read and study animator notes by Disney animators
that Phil gave me, play Final Fantasy 7. With all this stuff that I have to do, I
guess Id better get to work pretty soon.

Ive realized that certain music can go well with certain comic books. The
Aquabats Aquabats Vs. The Floating Eye of Death album goes well with the
Dork comic book. Nine Inch Nails: The Fragile and Radiohead: OK
Computer go well with the Johnny The Homicidal Maniac comic books.
Ah, I remember my old middle school years where I went to school, felt
outcasted, listened to non-stop They Might Be Giants and Primus, called the
Drew Garabo show with funny fake names, stayed up all night drinking
coffee while reading issues of Bone, Spawn, SQUEE! and JtHM, drew
cartoons and doodle in class, as well as traveled to the comic book and
music CD stores all the time, all while working on a little old mini comic
book called Zounds. Those were the good old days. That was before
everything in my life changed and I started wanting to truly change the
world. This was before I got my first job and became a true hard worker.
Now that I look back on it all, Im surprised at what a little amount of depth

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and how much lack of substance my beginning comics and fiction stories
had. They had depth when I pictured them in my head, but not when I finally
got them down on paper. My ideas have much more depth now, and will
probably have even more depth in the future, about ten or twenty years from
now. My earlier work is forgivable only because I was in my early teens at
the time, and I now realize that at that time my tastes and open-mindedness
were still expanding and developing. In other words, I was immature. Now
Im a mix between intermediate and advanced. In ten years, Ill probably
look at the work Im doing now and laugh at how lacking and pathetic it
truly was. Fortunately I could still call it better than my earlier work. I am
my own worst critic, though, but I think that a lot of creative people are.

There are two new things Ive learned about drawing comic book pages, and
they are to mix my camera angles, and also to make my brush, pen point and
pencil strokes so subtle that theyre nearly invisible in their subtlety. Since
Im a writer as well as artist, nothing compares to studying and learning
techniques from the masters of fine western and eastern art and literature.

My art and writing are good, but theyre not perfect. They wont be anytime
soon, either. Theres probably a reason why right now, Im doing more
writing than drawing. Its probably because in the past Ive felt that writing
in my journal and fiction has expressed my emotions and feelings better than
my art, which I think in a way is a misguided opinion, because lines and
drawings on paper can express moods and emotions just as well as a well
written sonnet or sentence. Art is a nonverbal language. I drew tonight, but
the drawings I did looked awful compared to the ones I did in the last couple
of weeks. Right now, drawing is much harder work for me than writing is.
Drawing isnt supposed to be easy. However, the contour drawings that I did
of my hand showed a lot of improvement over the first ones that I did. Ive
only done two pages of contour drawings so far, and Im already beginning
to show some improvement. These bad drawings will do nothing but make
me strive more to put more time, effort and work into my drawings in the
future. The definitely didnt discourage me. I kind of expected them to turn
out horrible. This just means that today I didnt put enough effort and time
into my drawing practice.

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Two of the things that Id like to do for jobs if I wasnt trying to do what I
want to do would be a singer-songwriter-guitarist, and a painter. I know that
Ill eventually get into incorporating color and paint into my artwork that I
and other people make. Bridging many personal gaps, learning how to paint
and ink. These are things I have and am going to pray for. I like things with
a lot of substance, valor, and occasional style. Style isnt as important to me
now as it used to be. Id rather have substance. I think things with substance
stick out in peoples minds more than things with a lot of style. I dont
consider myself anywhere close to being one of the best artists, writers and
directors in the world. I know Im not perfect and Im not one of the best. I
might be international known one day as well as know my craft better than
most, but I dont think Ill ever be one of the best. Not in my book anyway. I
want to one day become a master of anatomy, gesture drawing, life drawing,
contours, and portrait drawing. I like painting and inking as well.

I do like the comic book Bone. I think its a wonderful

fantasy/epic/humor/adventure graphic novel with a continuing story. The art
is well drawn, the layout and use of positive and negative space are
wonderful and the story just kind of draws you in, kind of like the stories in
the Dragonball Z animated series. Blade the Immortal, Strangers in
Paradise, Oh My Goddess! and Bone are all very well executed comic
books. Theyre some of my favorites. All these titles have wonderful
writing, artwork, execution, storytelling and layout. As for comic strips, I
like Dork, Liberty Meadows, Calvin and Hobbes, Milk and Cheese, JtHM,
and Jim Mahfoods Stupid Comics.

Just like I believe that an artist never truly reaches perfection, I also believe
that theres no such thing as a perfect comic or comic book. No matter how
good you can draw or write, theres always someone out there who can draw
or write better than you can.

Heres a good quote about art. The supreme misfortune is when theory
outstrips performance. This is the opening saying for the book The Natural
Way to Draw, and the quote was once said by a man named Leonardo Da
Vinci. Some easy names to do research on would be Leonardo Da Vinci,
Michelangelo, Donatello, Claude Monet, Vincent van Gogh, and Norman

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Rockwell. I should get around to taking some creative writing classes,

eventually, but thats a long way off from now. Im going to get really good
at art first, and then Ill take my shot at writing.

As for writing: Writing is like a cake. Substance, thematic development,

proper English, grammar, and pacing are the main ingredients.
Intellectualism, big word usage, depth, morals, innovation, and philosophy
incorporated into the writing and story are just the frostings on the cake.
Well, as of now, thats what I think writing is, to me.

I think Eminem and Stephen King have one thing in common. They both
like to write about suburban mayhem, which I think is a very cool thing to
write about. The movie American Beauty does that too.

I would write about the depths of the loneliness and pain in my life because
no one understands or loves me and because I dont have a girlfriend, but
Im too tired. Heh! Im just kidding. Im not in pain and Im not really
lonely. Thats only sometimes, but recently, not very often. In other words, I
doubt that Ill be committing suicide anytime soon. Im only in hell when I
get ridiculed and harassed a lot, but thats just me.

Books, comic books, anime, art, academics, literature and role playing
games are all probably considered geeky things. I like all of these things, but
Im a dork, so it doesnt matter if Im into this stuff. I guess you could call
me a self-proclaimed dork, intellectual and skeptic.

I must remember to never ever lose sight of my main goals and objectives in
life. I guess the truth probably is that real jobs usually arent fun. But I dont
really consider creative jobs as real jobs.

I know what I have to do. I just have to do it, a lot or as much as I can. I
think I finally realized that certain artists artwork all have no substance.
They have a lot of style and very little substance. From what Ive observed,

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they all have very little understanding of real anatomy. Jeff Smith, Paul Dini,
Alex Ross, Evan Dorkin and Alan Moore are all Eisner Award golden boys.
Theyre still influences. Walt Disney and Chuck Jones are two big time
inspirations and influences to me when I talk about animation.

I think I might be becoming a cynic of sorts, but maybe not. Im hoping not.
I dont know if Ill ever have a blockbuster movie, New York Times
Bestseller, and Im not a top Marvel artist, but I think all that matters is that I
put my heart and thought into my work and like what I do for a living as
well as be happy. Making a living and surviving is important, but happiness
is equal in importance to survival. At least in my book it is. I think after I get
a lot better at drawing and writing, than Ill go back to developing the
concepts for my comics and animation project. Those are two things that Im
really looking forward to.

My mom got back from open house at school, and she said that the teachers
told her that Im doing well. Ive been getting all of my work done with very
little help and am making good grades on my papers. I hope I can retain
some of the information I learn in school into my long term memory, instead
of my short term one.

I was just watching the painter man with the afro on TV, and saw how easy
of a time he has painting. He takes a paintbrush, dabs it on his pallet, then
pushes the paintbrush against the paper and makes it look like something
beautiful. I do the same thing in terms of work routine, but when I do it, it
looks like a fucking mess. I suppose that it just takes a lot of practice,
knowledge and patience to get good at coloring and painting. I know that I
can get really good at inking and painting if I spend more time doing these
things.

Ive also found two new, very useful books that my teachers at school
recommended and let me borrow. Theyre books on writing and theyre
called Writing the Natural Way by Gabriele Lusser Rico, and Writing
Television and Radio Programs by Edgar E. Willis. I plan to buy both of

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these books and study them intensely, but I think I should get my proper
English and grammar down first before I go on to working on my creative
writing techniques.

I cant believe how much free time I have for drawing and writing today. I
dont have to work today.
What do I see when I look into her eyes? I see a deeply filled soul. Its as if I
can see all the way into her mind through those blue eyes of hers. Theres a
glint of deep self-satisfaction that I see when I look into her ocean blue
pupils. Not like my eyes, which consist of a jaded and saddened brownish
melon collie.

Now that I think about my journal writing. I think there is a reason that I
dont like to let my family read my journal most of the time. The saying A
watched pot never boils somehow comes to mind. At time I can be hesitant
to let people watch me while Im working, with the exception of my
animation teacher, because at times it can make me somewhat selfconscious. I work alone all the time. I just bought a new book earlier today,
even though I know that its a bad idea to buy things when I should be
saving up for college, but Im a very naughty boy, so I no listen! I got the
Visual Intelligence books that I had seen earlier, and I think itll be very
useful to me in the future.

Sometimes I wonder if Im making the right choice putting my work above

everything else: School, my job, my family, my life, everything. Im going
to make a conscious effort to spend more time with the people in my life. I
feel like crying. Im ambivalent, as far as emotions go. I got my best contour
drawing done yet today and it only took me about ten or twenty minutes to
do, which probably means that I didnt do it right. Its much easier to work if
Im in a relaxed state, but sometimes its necessary in order to write and
draw, even if Im not in a very relaxed or creative mood. It is real work after
all. Its extremely rewarding and enjoyable work, but it is work nonetheless.
I also read a chapter out of that Writing the Natural Way book. My brother
has been very sick in the past couple days. Hes certainly garnered my
sympathy. I feel bad because I abandoned watching television with him just

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a few minutes ago to write in this journal. I dont know whether its good or
bad to say that my work is really this important to me. I hope everything
turns out all right for me in the end or middle of my life when Im an adult. I
cant let these things get to me. I have to keep working. I cant let my doubts
and insecurities control my life. I have to be in complete control of my life,
or Ive lost the game of life to negativity. Fortunately Ive been getting a lot
more sleep and Ive had a lot more energy to get things done lately.

Heres some iconic figures of the present and of history who changed the
world that I can do research on. Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Albert
Einstein, Mozart, William Shakespeare, Vincent Van Gogh, Jane Austen,
Galileo, Charles Darwin, Charlie Chaplin, Edgar Allen Poe, George Orwell,
Madonna, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Queen Elizabeth I, the Wright Bros.,
Isaac Newton, Geronimo, Genghis Kahn, Oprah Winfrey, Gutenberg,
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Napoleon, Thomas Edison, Neil
Armstrong, Montezuma, Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, Freud, King Arthur, ,
Christopher Columbus, Walt Disney, Chuck Jones, Mark Twain, Will
Eisner, Norman Rockwell, Stan Lee, Robert Crumb, Gandhi, Joan of Arc,
Stephen King, the Dalai Lama, and Steven Spielberg. I must make a note to
study all of these people. Ill just keep studying those books The Natural
Way to Draw, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, Writing the Natural
Way and all the other self-help books that I have. These and other books will
help me tap into my true ability and natural creative side. I want to do a lot
of studying on drawing, painting, inking, music, writing, directing, and
visualization, as well as creativity, philosophy, and meditation. If I can learn
how to write properly and think like a true writer, than novels, animation
scripts, screenplays and comic book scripts wont be too hard. These things
seem hard to do now, but thats only because Im lacking in the knowledge
department. My goal isnt to be completely perfect, but it is to be a lot less
lacking in the knowledge department. The more you know about how to
approach something, the easier it will seem. Im afraid that for now Im
going to have to teach myself how to ink and how to paint with the aid of
books and other such things. I guess for now, practice will have to be my
personal teacher. Books and teachers can only teach me so much. I can one
day become a great director, painter, musician, inker, and life drawer with a
lot of practice and hard work. I cant forget to also learn how to draw layout
and backgrounds, so that I can work in comic books and on storyboards.
Backgrounds and layout are fun most of the time.

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Im definitely going to get to my drawing work earlier today than I did

yesterday. Yesterday I started way too late and didnt get very much drawing
done. I kind of go into a trance when Im drawing and writing and if Im not
wearing a watch, then Im usually not aware of how much time has passed.

I wonder what kind of world the children of the people of my generation will
inherit. Hopefully, it will be a decent one. My opinion is that the human
species isnt going to last forever. I think its possible that they might one
day cause themselves to be extinct. What would happen if the ozone layer
was completely depleted, the polar icecaps melted, society as a whole
becomes cynical, all of the landfills get filled up and a gigantic meteor hits
earth. What will the human race do then? Maybe the world really will end
one day, but I dont think it will happen in my lifetime. It still has me very
worried about the fate of mankind, though. The temperature has been raised
a lot in the past century. A lot, compared to all of the centuries of the past.
The rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer and theres not much
that I can do about it. I might be one of the important and affluent people of
the future, but I wont let it go to my head or ego too much. When I work on
a specific project, it gives me something to focus my creative energy on. I
cant believe that Im living in the year 2,000 or the New Millennium, as
some like to call it. I wonder if the human race will survive into the year
3,000. I realize that Im going to die one day and theres not much that I can
do about it, but I think Ill eventually learn to accept my fate. I dont believe
that when my generation grows up that it will be nothing more than a bunch
of chemheads. I believe my generation as a whole is a lot smarter than that.
Maybe I really am a product of the 90s, kind of like Beck Hanson and
Jhonen Vasquez. I hope not, though, much as I like those guys. Now that
Im getting older and more mature, Im trying to have a lot more influence
from the past. I do remember a lot of the things from my generations youth,
like Bill Gates, MTV, Image Comics, Sega, Nintendo, Seinfeld, Bill Clinton,
the new era of technology, the Columbine massacre, cloning, Larry King
Live, Howard Stern, Elian Gonzales, Monica Lewinsky, HBO, fast food, the
internet, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, Tom Green, Disney films,
Marvel Comics, skateboarding, anime, Eminem, boy bands, Steven
Spielberg films, Stephen King books, and the Simpsons. I wonder what are
going to be the main things that will happen from the year 2000 to the year
2010. I cant predict whats going to dominate American culture when Im
an adult. So many things have changed in the past ten or twenty years that it

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can seem very tough for me to catch up with whats current. Im learning so
many new things recently that its tough to remember everything, especially
when it comes to art, drawing, literature and writing as well as movies,
music, and comic books.
Some of the things I recommend for finding happiness are meditation,
journal writing, music, art, reading, having friends and loved ones in your
life, writing, movie watching, traveling, appreciation of beauty, video
games, sleeping, talking to ones self, spirituality and self-restraint. I dont
recommend money, drugs, medication, and other surface things.

I do have to pay my respect to people and things that have mastered macabre
and the bizarre like H.P. Lovecraft, the Twilight Zone, Edgar Allen Poe,
Stephen King, and Chris Carter, the creator and head writer for The X-Files.
I have absolutely nothing but respect and admiration for these people and
things.

Writing and drawing are beginning to come a lot easier to me than they used
to. I still have to do portrait drawings of my parents, more contours and
gestures, anatomy, wrinkles and drapery to draw, and I also have to write to
Choi. I must do that soon or Ill just keep slacking. Drawing is becoming
easier for me to do more consistently. Ill admit that. Im aiming to draw for
at least one or two hours a day to start out with. This goal isnt really that
hard as long as I stay focused and time myself. Im starting to think more
three dimensionally, which means Im progressing

Im never going to be truly successful at drawing until Im able to balance

my time spent writing in my journal and drawing equally. Thats the only
way Ill become a great artist. I may not like that fact, but I dont have a
choice.

Earlier today I did a typed up layout letter for Choi., so Im glad that I
finally got around to that. I wrote the letter before I left the house, and Im
glad, because Id definitely be too tired to write the damn thing now, and
hence it would have led to more delays in my personal mission. I also went

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to Seminole Community College earlier today to take a college assessment

test, and I also got to go to Subway with the other people who were taking
the test, and Brannon. Maybe I work too hard. I do a lot of real work that at
times can be hard to do. Im always striving to improve and get better at my
crafts, as well as things that arent really my forte. I think Ill make it part of
my mission to also learn Yiddish (Jewish slang). So now I want to learn
Yiddish, slang, French, religious terms, Japanese, Korean, computer terms,
occultism terms, art terms, writing terms, and Spanish. If I could become
hyper-linguistic, then Id have outstanding vocabulary skills. Im trying to
make a conscious effort to be less selfish and self-absorbed. I dont
remember the last time that I cried. Im not a very emotional person. I feel
extremely sad sometimes. Maybe theres nothing in my future but
misfortunate let downs and sad disappointments. If there are, than Ill be
sure to write about it in my journal and in my fiction writing, so that I can
get over it permanently and move on with my life. Sometimes I get so sad
that it can make everything seem so meaningless at times. I wish I could find
a cure for this horrible feeling. For now, I guess that the cure is to not pay
too much attention and devote too much thought to that feeling. I dont like
ignorance very much, but at times ignorance is bliss as well as strength.
Sometimes shutting my mind off when I work is the best cure for misery and
gloom in my life. That must be why Im addicted to drawing and writing,
because a lot of the time when Im doing these things, it gives me a chance
to shut my mind off and relieve stress, and cheer myself up, as well as solve
personal problems, kill personal demons, and learn to love myself and my
life. I really dont know what everyone else is driven by

Sometimes I sacrifice my own personal sanity, happiness, stability and

health in order to try to heal some of the worlds problems, by keeping
everyones spirits up. At least thats what I hope for. So I guess in that way,
Im not selfish. Thats one of the reasons Im teaching myself to work up to
being a really hard worker. Goodness knows that Im not trying to be a hard
worker because I enjoy extreme labor.

One thing Ive learned is that hatred and bigotry are never really self taught
to anyone. No one teaches their self to hate other people. People are taught
to hate by other bad people. Its a continuing cycle and can become very
contagious if its around other impressionable people for long enough.

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One thing thats always changing is what it is that inspires and influences
my creative work. Currently its bands like Smashing Pumpkins, Travis,
eels, Kahimi Karie, Looper, Nine Inch Nails, Phil Collins, Billy Joel, The
Aquabats and Yo La Tengo, comic books like Strangers In Paradise, Oh My
Goddess!, Blade of the Immortal, Fantastic Four, Hectic Planet, Liberty
Meadows, JtHM, Dork, Calvin & Hobbes, Peanuts, Norman Rockwell, Will
Eisner, Burne Hogarth, Disney animators, Drawing on the Right Side of the
Brain The Natural Way to Draw, Akira, Ghost In the Shell, Ninja Scroll,
Gundam Wing, Manga, Dave Barry, and Stephen King.

Without bad, there is no good. Without evil, there is no good. I think Ill
list as many evil things as I can think of, and then as many good things as I
can think of.

Bad: Murder, guns, suicide, genocide, mutilation, illegal drug usage, neglect,
hate, misogyny, wars, homophobia, abuse, spouse and child abuse, excessive
use of insults and curse words, hypocrisy, racism, bigotry, rape, dictatorship,
communism, satanism, pedophilia, necrophilia, nymphomania, depression,
assisted suicide, and death.

Good: God/gods, enlightenment, equal treatment, intelligence, common

sense, progress, improvement, knowledge, peace, love, believing in
something, happiness, bliss, healing, enjoying yourself.

Now that Im looking at both sides, good and evil, since Im part agnostic,
why is it that evil so often outnumbers the good. Good and hope usually win
in the end, though. Or at least thats what it says in the books. It makes me
feel bad listing all of these things, but I think that once I point out whats
bad, it will be easier to avoid and not think about bad things too much.

Yesterday, after I finished work, I went straight to the supermarket video

store and bought four videos. They were having a sale and the videos, and it

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only cost about $5 or $6 a piece. I bought Dogma, Fight Club, Princess

Mononoke, and Spawn: Season Three (which I just finished watching).

Im still trying to figure out what exactly it is a staff of writers do when

theyre working together to create fictional stories. Rockabilly, swing and
ska are all types of music that Id like to listen to more often. Film and
Theatre have a lot in common, after all.

Now that Im a full fledged artist, Im going to have to learn how to draw
anything and everything that I see: People, objects, landscapes, animals,
vehicles, pictures, illustrations by other artists. Anything and everything.
And if Im any good at what I do, I shouldnt have much of a problem with
that after a while. The best artists and real artists artists can draw anything.
Its 9:10 p.m. as of this moment, which means I should definitely get back to
drawing very soon, so that I dont waste anymore time and before I know it,
its 10:00 oclock and Im falling asleep. Besides I think being at the word
processor right now is a waste, because nothings crossing my mind for what
to write about. I guess this would be one of those moments where Im not
very inspired at all to do any work creatively.

From now on Im going to take as many sides to points of views and

arguments as I can, so that Ill become a better writer. Thats why I did the
good/evil thing earlier today. But that was easy stuff. In the future I should
try more challenging opposing views. Well, that and becoming
ambidextrous.

My ultimate goal in my drawing and writing when I grow up is to either be

able to do hundreds of drawings a day for ten to twelve hours a day, or to
write from early morning to late at night and be able to write anywhere from
five to twelve pages a day.

I think Im beginning to understand anatomy a little bit better, now that

Im drawn my own renditions of some drawings out of that Burne Hogarth
Dynamic anatomy book. I do like paranormal, supernatural, and occult

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things. Its tough to get ideas for stories that involve these subjects, but once
you do, theyre very fun and enjoyable to write about. Faith and violence are
very interesting subjects. I like writing violent characters and religious
characters. Theyre fun to write. Actually, any character, as long as theres
an interesting aspect about them, can be fun to write. Im running out of time
to write in my journal, because very soon Im going to have to take a
shower, get my uniform on, and get to work. I dont have very much time
leftstupid work. Im not going to work at that supermarket when it shifts
ownership. I hate working at supermarkets. After I finish working at my day
job, or should I say, Im never going to work for a grocery store again. I
dont really care if I end up being out of a job. Theres no way in hell that
Im going to work fully for that place. Work sucks. Next time, Ill think
before I apply aimlessly just to try to work anywhere. I remember when I
was first trying to get a job and I would have settled to work just about
anywhere, even in the lamest supermarket. But now I know a lot better than
that. I know that working in supermarkets, and places that resemble
supermarkets, sucks. Its not challenging, its too boring, its dull and most
of the time, its not fun or enjoyable at all. Many of the customers are
pompous snobs and assholes, and so are a lot of the employees.

Boy am I stupid. I thought that I had to go into work at twelve, so I took a

shower at 11:35, so Id be ready by 11:45, but it turns out that I dont have to
go into work until 12:30 this morning. Well lucky me!

Im not an artist or writer because Im trying to get laid. If that was the
reason Id do what Id do, than Id probably be in a band. My work is all
about creativity, innovation, originality, free speech, and collaboration with
other creative people.

When you sit down and think about it, you realize that almost every artist in
the course of history has taken inspiration and influence from one or many
artists in one form or another. Im betting that Glen Keane and John
Buscema take a lot of influence from Burne Hogarth, because the way the
bodies are drawn are very Hogarthish, especially Tarzan and many of the
Marvel superheroes during the golden age of comic books, when Stan Lee
was scripting them. I think I know more about what real art is, or what

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higher art is. My sense of taste is so much more sophisticated than it used to
be. After all, its not like Im ten years old anymore or anything. There was a
time when I had no sense of taste, or if I did, it was at an all time low.
Maybe one day, if I work hard enough, Ill inspire someone who will go off
to do amazing things in this world. At least thats what I hope for. If thats
the type of creative person I end up being, than in my mind I never will end
up achieving perfection. Two very important things to concentrate on when
crafting art are pathos and rendering. I dont really know how other people
view my work. I know that my family, friends, teachers, and relatives really
enjoy my work, both written and illustrated. But, other than that, I dont
know. There are about six billion people on this planet right now, and thats
an awful lot who have the potential to dislike a person.

Some good comedy things to study would be Monty Python, Dave Barrys
writing, sitcoms like Seinfeld and Frasier, as well as Tex Avery, Chuck
Jones and Matt Groening Cartoons, as well as well written newspaper comic
strips. I like all of these things. I should study more of these things in hopes
that I could understand humor better.
One of the reasons that I try to avoid preaching being irreverent in my
writing is because I think that theres enough disrespect and irreverence in
this modern nation, especially in youth, as it is. Id rather not contribute to
this growing virus that spreads like a disease. I have a couple things to get
done today. I have to start reading the book for my book report assignment,
work on a paper that Ive been delaying far too much as it is, get some
drawing done, and hand write that letter to Choi. This means that Im going
to have to get to work very soon.

The only people I truly dont have respect for are the ones who dont have
respect for others. I think Im beginning to know myself too well. I bought a
book today called Monty Python: All the Words: Volume Two

Comedy writing isnt easy. Ill tell you that. Its a very bloody tough
medium to write in.

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I just finished writing the paper assignment for school. That was easy. Now
all that I have to do is get to drawing. Also, I just got my progress report
today, and the grades that I go were excellent. No Cs. All As and Bs! Hell
yeah! Im going to hang this progress report on my wall to remind me what
areas I need improvement in so that I can attempt to raise them up so that
hopefully theyll be As on my next progress report. Itll take a lot more hard
work and concentration devoted to my school work, but I know I can do it.
The things I have to concentrate on are keeping my grades and school work
up, going to my job, saving money in the bank, practicing drawing during
almost every single extra moment of time that I have. Less of this and more
drawing practice until Im able to balance the two goals evenly. Reading,
practicing every day and attending college will be big benefits for me in
attaining my goals. I must also remember to draw more contours and
gestures. Theyve been and will continue to be extremely beneficial to my
advancement and maturation as an artist, just as clustering and grammar
knowledge will be very beneficial to my improvement as a writer.

The suspicion that nothing comes easily to me is definitely justified, but I

have to be able to get around that fact and continue to work very hard at my
crafts. None of the crafts that Ill try to learn will be extremely easy at first,
but in time, theyll become easier for me to do constantly and proficiently.
Shame on me for not getting to practicing earlier, but theres not much I can
do about being late now, except get a late start on my practice. I dont really
give a shit that Im too tired sometimes. I have to work anyway whether Im
tired or not. Tonight Im going to really strive to draw for at least a half an
hour, instead of a weak ten or fifteen minutes. When I finish filling up this
page with writing, Im going to hit the drawing board and see what happens.

This is definitely not good. Its getting late, Im trying to fill up this page so
that I can get to practicing drawing, but Im stumped as to what to write
about. Im very frustrated right now. Or maybe Im just using this blank
space as an excuse to avoid drawing. I guess I lucked out. I fill much of this
page up just by venting the frustration caused by my writers block. I hate
writers and artists block. If it wasnt for these creative blocks, Id become a
master of my craft, but maybe thats just another excuse. I really hate it
when I get a mother fucking creative block.

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The Titanic, the Hindenberg and the Holocaust: All monstrous tragedies of
the past.

I just got finished doing some new drawings earlier tonight, so lucky for me,
at least I didnt spend the entire night slacking off. I got some real work
done. Maybe this is the start of labor persistence, hopefully. I shouldnt say
hopefully, though. I should say that this is definitely the start of my labor
persistence. The word try doesnt exist for me anymore. Only the word do
exists to me.

Maybe the comic book industry really is in a sad shape. Maybe its not. I
think the majority of comic books out there lack either good art, good
writing, or depth. Some of them are very good and high quality, though.

There are a lot of different places in California. Los Angeles, Orange

County, Burbank, San Jose, Valencia as well as Silicon Valley. Though Ive
never been there.

I got just got home and had to come home early before I got to lessons
because my brothers having another kidney attack. Its not as shocking now
because it happens more often recently than it did a year or so ago. Its
actually beginning to become somewhat of a routine ritual to my family. We
can never truly predict when one is going to happen. They strike without
warning. I cant even imagine the type of pain that my brothers in right
now. Actually, I probably could if I really used my imagination and
creativity. My brother knows that he should be taking better care of himself,
though. I dont know why he has been taking such bad care of himself. One
good thing about today is that I did get some drawings donetwo, to be
exact. What the hell happened? Things were going so well up until today,
and then I started getting a lot more tired and slacking or being lazy. The
good news is that so far, during every single day that I havent had to work
Ive gotten at least one or two drawings done, which means that Ive
progressed a lot. Now its not so much a matter of getting to the drawing
desk and practicing every day as it is staying at the drawing desk for more

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than just fifteen minutes on every day that I have off of my job as well as
school, preferably for an hour or more.

IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 13

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2001

I do like college albums an awful lot. Theyre very cool, indeed. Bands like
Looper, Yo La Tengo, Air, and Isotope 217. These are all a bunch of great
bands, and these are just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been finding myself
drawn between a lot of different things: school, my job, lessons, my
drawing, family and friends, my spirituality, my love life, my writing, and
my ambitions. This is a lot of different things.

I want to be able to get good enough at my different crafts where I get to a

point where they just kind of come naturally to me, so that they dont cause
me too much stress when I have to do them for jobs. Ill never be good
enough where I can just sit back, look at my work and go Yep, Im perfect,
Im making a ton of money and I dont need anymore practice. Im the best
writer, artist, or director out there. I dont need anymore practice. Im the
very best out there, because theres always going to be people out there
who are better at what they do than I am. Ill admit it. I suck compared to
other artists and writers. Im a schmuck who right now only kind of knows
what hes doing when hes working. I dont know everything about
creativity. Im always learning new things. Thats for certain. Narcissistic
thinking can be very counterproductive to ones creative work ethic. Norman
Rockwell never felt that he truly achieved perfection, but I think that he
came pretty close to achieving some sort of a creative apex. I believe Chuck
Jones, Glenn Keane, Burne Hogarth, Steven Spielberg, Stephen King and
Leonardo Da Vinci have done the same thing. Im an artist who can write, as
well as a writer who can draw.

Ive made a lot of friends in my lifetime. Ive also made a lot of enemies,
some other people whose names I dont know. I dont like becoming
enemies with people, but sometimes it just happens. The obnoxiousness of
some arrogant people just blindsides me from seeing the positive aspects of
those people. I definitely have quite a bit of reading to catch up on.
Proportion, composition, anatomy, layout and perspective are some very

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important things for an artist to keep in mind when theyre practicing. I have
to keep all of these as well as many other things in mind when Im working
at the drawing table. I like drawing realistically as well as drawing cartoony.
Im not really picky. Actually, sometimes I like to combine the two and see
what I come up with. Combining the two styles can make for some fun
combinations.
I miss the blind innocence of my childhood. I really do miss those days
when the only thing I had to worry about was when does Tiny Toons air on
TV after school? Now I think an awful lot about labor, love, money,
college, blood, sweat, and tears, among many, many other things. Tapping
into my natural creativity, becoming ambidextrous, learning new languages
and the like. I dont get out of the house as much as Id like to and see the
world, or at least a portion of my town, but sadly, Im so busy working and
trying to survive that I cant get out and enjoy life as much as I used to. I
could if I truly wanted to, but I know that I have to get work done before
play.

I dont have much time to write now. Ill have to be going to my job pretty
soon. What can I say? Some girls like my ass. But then again, some girls are
very sickened and repulsed simply by the thought of me, but thats life. You
cant please everyone. I realize that Ill never be the one of the most eligible
bachelors out there, but I also dont really mind that I wont. Im not the best
looking person in the world, but then again, Im not anywhere near being the
ugliest.

Well, this is cool. Fox now has two shows about investigation of the occult.
The X-Files and Freaky Links. I just saw the first episode of Freaky Links,
and I think its very cool. Its from the creators of The Blair Witch Project. I
like those people, because I think theyre redefining what horror can do.
Their ideas are very inventive and innovative. I liked the Blair Witch
Project. It scared me quite a bit, especially the ending. Horror isnt a very
easy genre to write, and neither is suspense or humor. My arms are getting
kind of fat, and so are my thighs. Id better get back to exercising regularly,
starting tomorrow. I have a pretty decent amount of things to do tomorrow.

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You can take a man away from the geekiness, but you cant take the geek
out of the man. Once a dork, always a dork, Im afraid. I know about just
about every single pop culture geeky thing there is to know about. Harry
Potter, Digimon, Toonami, The X-Files, Wizard Magazine, Stephen King
books, industrial music, alternative music, Pokemon, etc., etc. You name it, I
know it. I also know about how e-books are becoming popular, manga, and
about how anime has made significant gains on US mainstream television. I
know an awful lot about American pop culture and current events, especially
about entertainment. Whats new on television you ask? Freaky Links, new
episodes of DBZ, Digimon, Tenchi in Tokyo, and MTV. I definitely know
about whats current. I know whats new, current and popular in books,
comic books, the news, television, movies, videogames, music and
magazines, as well as my life. Im sure I could know more if I put more
mental effort in, but I already am quite knowledgeable about all this crap. I
should make a note to read magazines as well as newspapers, listen to radio,
surf the internet, and watch the news a lot, as well as sitcoms, game shows
and variety shows. Doing all of these things can only improve my
knowledge. Im a little bit knowledgeable about whats going on in the
counter-culture and indie scenes, but probably not enough. Theres so many
different topics out there that Ive written about at one point or another.

Why do I bullshit myself sometimes? Sometimes I say that I need to do a lot

of different things and retain a lot of different information, but at first I dont
do it for some reason.

Maybe I should stop writing on this word processor. The thought of my

teacher leaving and me not being able to go to lessons with him anymore is
beginning to make me feel ill. Ive only got another four and one twelfth
years to go until I officially become an adult, graduate from college and get
a real job. I kind of still want to be a child once again. I miss being little, but
I definitely like becoming more intelligent as well as perfecting my crafts
and maturing. Im not sure if I fear my own death, because I know that death
is just a natural phase of life, but I cant help but wonder what happens to
people, including me, after they die. Ive already stated my theory about how
I think the soul lives on and how I dont really believe in a heaven or a hell,
but I do believe in living a persons first life decently so that they dont have
to live another entire life of suffering. I think Ill also pray for a peaceful and
painless death whenever it may come to me. Hopefully in my sleep. I feel

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like crying, and thats okay, because I know its okay for me to cry. Its
alright to cry. Feeling hopeless can bring tears and sadness to a person. I
know it does to me sometimes. It makes me want to listen to some sad and
melon collie music, but that usually doesnt help the way that I feel.
Sometimes it does though. I hope I dont have a serious panic attack or
nervous breakdown when Im living on my own, like my birthmother might
have had. Im adopted you know.

If I become successful, just because of that, it doesnt mean that I wont feel
depressed and sad sometimes anymore. I still will occasionally, and Ill also
snap right out of it occasionally and cheer myself up somehow. Maybe all
this writing is bad for my mind and health. It doesnt make my body any
healthier. Thats for sure.

I remember playing cool games like the Mega Man and Mega Man X series
for Nintendo and Super Nintendo. I think my brother used to like Mighty
Morphing Power Rangers.

I also know that I have a big time crush on that pop singer Hoku. I think she
has one of the prettiest faces in the music business, or any entertainment
business for that matter. Shes just so fucking beautiful. Id want a girlfriend
who was that beautiful. Ha, ha! Good luck, dude.

I think one extremely good thing a person can achieve in their creative work
is to find their actual work more rewarding than the money that they actually
get paid after they finish the work. That way, even if they do become super
successful, theyll keep on working, even though they dont have to if they
dont want to. I have a feeling Ill be one of those people later on in my life.

I saw some cool books at the supermarket yesterday when I was working.
One was called Gravity and another was called Monster. I think there were
one or a few more others, but I dont remember the names of them. I thought
Gravity looked the coolest out of all of them. It reminds me of a Michael
Chrichton book, because of the way that the chapters begin.

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Since I have a lot of extra money right now, I know what Ill buy. A CD,
possibly videos from the store at my workplace, an extra copy of that
anatomy book that Phil gave me, the anime magazine that I saw at Borders,
and maybe the new comic books that came in on my box subscription at
Adventure Into Comics. I know I probably shouldnt be buying all of this
extra stuff, but I think that since I have so much extra money, I might as well
take advantage of the situation. I do almost have seventy extra dollars after
all, and Ill still have about a hundred dollars to put into my bank account.
Money contributes to the emptiness of ones soul. Enlightenment contributes
to the expansion of a persons soul and mind. Buddhism isnt a religion. Its
a way of life, as Bob once said, and in a way, I believe that hes right. It
involves living in self-restrain to attain a higher level of thought after many
years of decent or respectable living and meditation. I think an important
part of living is having faith in yourself, but also learning to love and
forgive. I do support free thought, creativity, evolutionism, equal treatment,
religion, theism and atheism (I dont really stand more for one or the other. I
support both of them and dont really condemn either one).

I have a couple things to do today, but primarily I have to do drawing and

reading. Ive also noticed that I can be quite moody sometimes. Its like I
have PMS or something of that nature.

I, as a person, usually make other people react to me with a 50/50 reaction.

Some people like me, or my work, and some people dont

Ive also notice that the harder I try to think of something to write about
when I have no specific topic in mind, the harder it is to actually write about
something. Its like I have to squeeze every single word out of my brain as if
it were a near empty toothpaste tube. When my writing comes, it comes in
waves, but when it doesnt, it can seem like a dripping faucet about to run
dry. Theres times when I wont be able to come up with anything, then Ill
write an entire page in about forty of fifty minutes, Ill write a little bit more,
and then Ill go back to writing nothing, as if the whole bout of inspiration
came because of some magical force. The drawing process can be similar to

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my writing process sometimes, but I think being able to draw comes easier
and faster than the writing. At least Ive been able to fill up a page a day,
everyday, anyways.

I just bought my first issue of the Animerica Magazine, and I think it looks
very cool. Ill probably draw some of the drawing Ive seen in it. Without
Phil to coach me after next lesson with him, I wonder if Ill still reach my
full drawing potential before college, even if Im still going to practice a lot.
I know I can as long as I dont forget what hes taught me about art and
drawing approaches. Anatomy, using my shoulder, composition, good poses,
perspective, retrying, and all of the other things hes taught me. I know I can
do it, as long as I put a lot of hard work in. So Phil has basically given me
the directions and road map, but Im the one that has to do the real driving
and learning how to drive. Im sure as hell not going to revert back to my old
bad drawing methods just because Im not going to be going to lessons
anymore. Im going to continue to draw things the way I think Phil would
approve of me drawing them. I still have quite a long way to go until I truly
reach my full potential. I have a lot of things that I still need to work on.
I think Im beginning to understand better about how to construct a well
written novel. You come up with the basic outline and premise first, think up
the topics that the story involves, think of the sequence of events or plot
which involves thinking of a beginning, middle and end, develop the
location and characters, and then layout and develop each chapter separately,
like thinking up dialogue and situation descriptions. If youre good at
thinking up, planning out and writing fiction, then going back and editing it
many, many times, than writing novels probably wont be that hard to do.
Its hard to do at first, but with lots and lots of practice, it eventually gets
easier and you get more proficient at it, as is the case with anything.

Im definitely going to learn how to draw more realistically, especially when

it comes to light and shade. I want to also get good at draftsmanship,
storytelling, scripting, layout and inking. My shading with pencil is good,
but its not subtle enough. I want it to become subtle enough where you see
the drawing for its three-dimensional quality and not the different shading
switches. And I think I can reach that level of realism if I study that Drawing
on the Right Side of the Brain book and learn to draw properly. I dont want
to create certified pop culture garbage. I want to create masterpieces and
works of art, which are a lot harder to make than pop culture garbage. I want

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to be able to draw well and give a good critique on another persons work as
well as my own. Since I want to be a producer, Ill need to learn how to
become a good business person, and since I want to be a director, Ill need to
learn how to collaborate well and work well with others. Im sure its also
nice being able to be an actor with a pencil.

I like the idea of using metaphors and symbolism in my writing. When the
checkered flag comes down, no one has won the race. When the white flag
is flown, no one has won the war. This is another Barenaked Ladies lyrical
excerpt.

I went to quite a few different places today. I went to the supermarket video
store, Adventure into Comics, and Park Avenue CDs. I got Rushmore, The
Truman Show, a full color Oni Press anthology, and a Pizzicato Five CD,
which I got instead of the new Radiohead: Kid A CD I think Ill go on a
break from all of this spending that Ive been doing, and more practicing.
Besides, Im beginning to get sick of buying things from stores and not
being able to use them right away. Ill get away from spending and back to
working, so that I can earn more money. I dont want to have to buy any
new movies or books, just comic books and music. Ive been slacking in the
past couple days, because I havent got much or enough drawing done, and I
know I could have. Im disappointed in myself, but Im just going to learn
from my small mistakes and move on once again. Maybe I should try to sum
up what I did in during the last two weeks of my life, and see how well I
managed my time. I have a hunch that I could have done it a lot better. I also
got to talk to Phil on the phone earlier tonight, the night before my last
lesson with him. He gave me some recommendations of things to work on,
which I definitely plan to work on, like copying inked drawings from Liberty
Meadows, Oh My Goddess!, and Strangers in Paradise, emulating the
inking styles, but I told him my plan about what I planned to practice after
Im finished going to lessons with him, and he said it was a great plan,
which is quite reassuring to me. Im just going to have to keep striving to
achieve an artistic apex and to constantly teach myself new things and get
better at my crafts.

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Pizzicato Five, Kahimi Karie, and Bis are bands that I like to call power pop
bands. Its pop music on steroids. I wouldnt necessarily call it pop rock. Its
really fast, hyper, and powerful pop music. I think Im starting to like some
of Bjorks songs more than I used to. There are still a lot of bands that I like,
but dont own a single album by. In general, Im very familiar with different
types of music, animation and the comic book industry. Im not as familiar
with books, authors, live action TV, and movies. I used to also be very
knowledgeable about videogames, but I dont know as much about the
current games and systems. To be knowledgeable about whats current in
music, books and comic books, it helps to go into places that sell these
things. Im pretty knowledgeable about drawing supplies and techniques that
different artists use. I think Im beginning to have a better understanding of
how to approach going about painting, but I may have already said this
before.

When we arrived in the Books-A-Million parking lot after having a

conversation about the usual hubbub, we left the car and entered the store.
When I first walked in, my eye snagged instantly on a book that had the
name Stephen King printed on the top, and it was one of his titles that I
hadnt heard of, so I picked the book up. At long last, after all this waiting
time my celestial request had finally come true. Stephen King finally got
around to writing about the craft of writing, which was basically the title of
the book. Im pleasantly surprised that he was able to write another book at
all, what with him getting hit by the truck in Maine and all. This book is
definitely going on my must-buy list.

After looking around Books-A-Million for a fairly decent amount of time, I

traveled down to Borders, where when I went through the entrance doors,
my senses were attacked by an ambiance that had been lacking the previous
times Ive visited the Borders. My ears were greeted with an unconventional
type of guitar playing that was being performed by a musician who was
holding a concert in the store, which was located in the caf area. I decided
to sit down at one of the tables in the caf, listen to him and watch him play
his acoustic guitar. After sitting down for a couple minutes and listening to
the musician, I stood up from my chair and began to go on my usual search
for new and interesting books.

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Lately Id been browsing the art section the most often, which was where I
went to next and saw a group of six people, who were quite a bit older than
me, having a discussion about some topic at a table. I started out looking at
the shelves full of art books, but eventually I ended up pretending I was
looking at the art books and, being the nosy person that I am, trying to listen
in on the conversation. One of the members noticed I was looking at their
group and asked me if I wanted to sit down. I asked them if it was a writers
group and they said yes, they were a group of writers who were trying to
get published, or writer wannabes as one of them called themselves. I
went all the way over to the caf, took one of the chairs, carried it over to
their table and sat down, so that I could listen and join in on their
conversation, which is what I did. They seemed glad to have me there, and I
enjoyed the conversation I had with them immensely. When I joined in, they
were critiquing the eldest lady of the groups memoir that she had written.
She didnt seem too happy about the criticism. Nonetheless, she took notes
anyway. From what I noticed, this group of writers had a much better
understanding of writing technicality and English than I did, but that didnt
really intimidate me. I found out that they meet during every Tuesday night
at 7:30 p.m., and eventually excused myself from the group to leave, but as
long as I dont have to go to lessons next Tuesday, since this week's lessons
have been postponed, Ill be sure to join their group once again next
Tuesday at 7:30 p.m. sharp. I think if Im not going to be going to animation
lessons anymore, than along with working very hard at my art and drawing,
Ill attend the writing group every Tuesday. This way Ill have some kind of
routine creative education to fill the void that Phils lessons will be sure to
leave in the near future.

I admit that I felt awfully out of my league when sitting with the group, but I
enjoyed it immensely anyways. I learned some interesting things, like avoid
using run-on sentences, as well as to occasionally vary my narrative (for
example: switching from writing in first person to writing in third person).
Ill bet that my writing looks like Forrest Gumps writing, when compared to
theirs, but do I give a damn. No, because Im having fun and learning
anyways, even if they do write better than I can. I love Borders now. Theres
always something to do there, especially tonight. I could look at books and
bestsellers, have a conversation with the cashiers about different books,
watch musicians perform, look at magazines and CDs, buy something from
the Caf, read or write on a laptop, or even talk to other writers on Tuesdays,

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as I did tonight. The best places in Florida around my part of town to visit
are Borders, Books-A-Million, Park Ave CDs, Adventure Into Comics, the
Enzian, The House of Blues, the Sapphire Supper Club, Sci-Fi City, Pearl,
the Oviedo Mall, Virgin Megastore, Islands of Adventure, the Disney
Institute, Mars: The Musicians Superstore, Full Sail, Kobes Japanese
Steakhouse, and Goodings. I still have yet to check out The Enzian and DIY
records. Game Trader was a cool place to go as well, until it closed.

The good thing about my life right now is that theres always something for
me to do. I never really run out of things to do in a typical day, because
therere so many things for me to do nowadays.

Ive also decided that there are a few main things that Im going to need to
learn how to do proficiently so that Ill have an easier time living by myself
in college and after I graduate from college. These things include driving,
cleaning my clothes, filling out paperwork, managing money, cleaning, and
cooking.

French people sure do like a lot of sugar with their coffee, or should I say a
little coffee with their sugar. I know that the Irish like to drink a lot and that
the Japanese have a lot of respect for one another as well as Americans. I
also know for a fact that two different presidents play musical instruments
proficiently. Bill Clinton plays the saxophone, and Richard Nixon was a
pianist. Some French people have very tan skin and actually look kind of
Spanish. I know a lot of different things about modern American culture. Id
like to know more about Spanish, British, Irish, Australian, English,
Canadian, French and Asian cultures, though, and I dont just mean being
able to speak the languages. Theres nothing out there quite like soccer or
football fans. Theyre a rather crazy lot. Comic book fans are a pretty bizarre
bunch as well. I do like to collect some pretty bizarre stuff. Not super bizarre
or obscure, but a little bit though. I dont see why so many people from other
nations, including ones connected to this one, want to get into, live in or visit
this country. I dont get what they see in this country. I mean sure, the
American style of entertainment is very popular all over the world, but
theres so many bigoted people in this country. I guess it is true that in a
way, America is one of the most powerful nations in the world, but probably

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also one of the most self-absorbed as well. America is more influenced by

itself than any other country, except maybe Europe, with the Renaissance,
the Beatles, Monty Python, etc.

I love plot twists in novels and writing. Some of the best books that involved
great plot twists are Dave Barrys Big Trouble and J.K. Rowlings Harry
Potter series. I own both of these books, and I enjoyed them immensely
when I read them. What I think a plot twist means is when you think the plot
of a book is heading in one singular direction, and then it veers off into an
entirely different and unexpected direction. I just found out about two new
authors who Im most likely eventually going to get around to reading books
by. Their names are Carl Hiaason and Nick Hornby, who wrote High
Fidelity. But I already have tons and tons of books to read, so Im already
plenty busy enough. I thought Big Trouble, by far had the best plot twists,
because you had no idea what was going to happen at the end of the book. I
just read one of the strips from the latest issue of Liberty Meadows, and
before I even realized what a fool I was making of myself (not even close to
being a new accomplishment for me. I am a fool, after all), I was rolling on
the floor laughing hysterically. Actually, technically, I was rolling on my
bed laughing, but I like the term rolling on the floor. Fortunately, my side
didnt split open. It only ached faintly.

I think in a way, its possibly for love of comic books, books, movies,
certain types of music, and especially video games to turn out to be simply
nothing more than phases. I mean, sure, Ill pick up a Playstation analogue
controller and play from a saved game of Final Fantasy VII every now and
again, but Im not quite as addicted to them now as I am, say going to the
comic book or book store and seeing whats interesting and new. I used to
subscribe to Gamepro as well as Nintendo Power, and thats not counting
the issues that I bought from the newsstands. I admit Im electronically sober
now. Ive kicked the habit of suddenly grabbing a controller at will, hitting
the power switch, and staring at the screen for half of an entire day. For me,
the same goes for watching television and consuming junk food. I just dont
do it as much now. I still read, listen to music quite a bit though. I guess you
could say I used to be a generation X, computer age, electronic junkygeek/slacker. Every now and then, Ill find a new obsession, and
occasionally return to old ones.

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To become a good writer, you must do an endless amount of reading and an

endless amount of writing. You must be able to read and write more than
any mere mortal is capable of withstanding in a single lifetime. If you want
to be any good at what you do, than you have to do what you do, a lot.

Somehow, even though right now, for me, having a real job has somehow
been more bearable than middle and high school. When it all boils down to
the nitty gritty, its like Robbie at my work said at one point, At least they
pay you to put up with this crap. Although if you really truly enjoy school
or your job, than it probably doesnt matter if you get paid to do it or not.
Youll do it anyways because you love it so much.

I just drew a portrait drawing of Jakob Dylan from my latest issue of Rolling
Stone, and it turned out good, but I didnt capture the likeness enough,
because when I showed it to my parents, they thought my drawing looked
like a black person and that it didnt look like him. They were right, too, and
I believe that its because I didnt get the proportions on the face right. I
mean the drawing definitely wasnt terrible, but I dont think it looks like
Jakob Dylan enough. Ill just have to try it again after school tomorrow, until
I eventually get it to look like him. I also did see some signs of my old bad
habits creeping up, but nothing that would stunt my artistic growth, though. I
just have to realize when Im doing something the wrong way. I mean its
not bad for a portrait drawing where I didnt even measure the proportions of
the actual face before I drew it, which is what I knew I should have done,
but I guess I kind of got lazy on my approach, but fortunately I was able to
catch myself getting lazy. I couldnt have done that a year ago. I suck at
drawing right now, but if I practice enough each day, than I probably wont
suck as much. I might actually end up being good and my art might just be
able to stand on its own merit in composition and storytelling. But the good
thing is that at least I drew something instead of nothing, which is an
improvement unto itself. All I have to do after Im done going to lessons
with Phil, aside from practicing more than ever before, is to make sure I
dont fall back on any of my old bad habits and symbolic amateur drawing
clichs, and that shouldnt be too hard as long as I keep on drawing and
practicing.

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Also, in my writing, Ive gotten past the level of writing exactly like I talk
and using exclamation marks after almost all of my sentences. Writing still
doesnt come super easy to me, but it does come a lot more naturally than it
used to. The greatest work of writing that Ill do will be the last work of
writing that Ill ever do. Im always improving.

At times, when I write fiction, Im half tempted to just write horror, because
I think Im good at deciding whats frightening and scary.

I think I used to think it was a bad thing for a person to acknowledge that
theyre good at or have a knack for something. Its a lot less discouraging to
think that than to think you have no talent for something youre actually
pretty good at.

I had my last animation lesson earlier tonight. Actually, I just got home from
the lesson, and instead of feeling depressed after the lesson was over, I
actually felt relieved, because of how much fun the lesson was. It was just
like any other lesson Id had with my teacher in the past, except it was the
last one. He gave me a lot of stuff this time. He gave me a humongous stack
of back issues of Animation magazine, some storyboard paper, and some
humongous drawing pads to sketch on. My animation teacher told me that I
captured the life of some of the drawings I copied very well, although the
proportions were a little bit off. Despite this, he still thought the newest
drawings that I showed him were great. Along with that, he told me about
some humorous experiences that he had in life drawing classes, which I
thought were hilarious to hear about. Its going to take me a hell of a long
time to search through all those back issues of Animation Magazine and
Rolling Stone as well as pick important information out of them. And
visiting the guys house wasnt the only interesting thing that I did today.
Before I went to lessons, I got to go to and look at Books-A-Million to look,
Adventure Into Comics to pick up a new comic book from my box, the art
store, to look for Prismacolor pencils, Art Systems to buy some Prismacolor
pencils, and my workplace to pick up my newest paycheck. My animation
teacher also told my parents and I about a person I might be able to take my

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work to who might be able to give me advice about how to improve

drawings that Id put in my portfolio. He said I should pick out the drawings,
but he gives me advice on ways to change them around and improve them,
so that theyre at their full potential. He also told my parents about a place
we could contact so that we could get a catalogue to order more animation
paper from. Aside from all those things, I also need to look up under the
search category of illustration at Amazon because I saw some illustration
books he got form SVA, and I looked up Indie music on the internet. I also
saw some things in this new Fanboy catalogue that Im going to ask for my
birthday, like an Akira shirt and a book that I was previously unable to find
called How to Draw Manga. I also saw some listings for the Gundam Wing
merchandise that I already know about, as well as some action figures. One
important piece of advice the animation teacher gave me during tonights
lesson was when he said No matter how successful you get. Make sure you
never, ever let yourself stop learning.

As for my schedule, I have a couple things to get done today. Ive gone
through many of the issues of Animation Magazine that were given to me,
but not all of them. But I still have to read my books and draw, as well as fill
up a page in this journal. I have a lot of reading to do this weekend as well as
during the upcoming weeks. I have to read my books, comic books, as well
as magazines. Ill just read for a couple hours tonight, right around when Im
going to get some drawing done, if not sooner.

I shouldnt think of college as such a big thing. Basically, its really just the
next stage after high school, even if I do end up going to a place like CalArts
or the School of Visual Arts.

Ive also just noticed that all of my top college choices are very hard
colleges to get into. CalArts, SVA, NYU, Vancouver Film School, Joe
Kubert School of Cartooning and Graphic Design. These are colleges that
every artist whos every artist is trying to manipulate, trace, or bribe their
way into. You cant just be a good artist to get into one of these schools.
You have be one of the best out there. I think I can get into at least one of
them, as long as I work really hard and practice 24/7. Writing, directing and
music can wait. I have to sharpen my drawing skills first. I suppose Id

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better get to work rather soon, so that it doesnt get too late into the evening
and I dont get anything done. Last night, another piece of advice my
instructor gave me was to not be afraid to start over again on a drawing,
even if I had to bust my ass working on it the first time. Thats another thing
that Im going to have to work on. I wonder if Ill be as good of an artist as
my teacher when I grow up. I certainly hope so. Right now, he knows a hell
of a lot more about drawing theory and technique than I do. But thats
because hes at least ten or fifteen years older than me, hes graduated from
the School of Visual Arts animation program, and hes also taught at the
Disney Institute regularly. Im sure Ill eventually get around to teaching my
knowledge of art, drawing and writing to other artists and writers that
havent quite reached the same level of knowledge as me.

Sometimes I can be very tense when Im working at drumming, guitar,

writing, or drawing, which can make the quality of my work very limited,
but usually after I warm up a bit, Ill begin to loosen up my arms and hands.
It really, really helps me to be relaxed when Im working. My best work
comes out of me when my body and mind are in a relaxed and natural state,
so that the work I produce comes easily and naturally.

My screenplay about extraterrestrials and my novel about paranoia and

sheltering are good ideas, but they have too many holes in them as of now,
theyre not fleshed out enough, and they have conflict, but they dont have
beginnings, middles, and ends, or enough suspense, plot twists and tension.
Its going to be my future job to develop these, as well as many more things.
Its going to take me many years to fully develop these stories that I have in
the back of my mind. I have to put many surprises in them, but have the plot
flows well enough so that one part flows naturally to the next until it reaches
a conclusion.

Right now I just put the new Radiohead CD in my CD player that dad
brought home for me and Im listening to the rather eerie British genius that
is called Radiohead.

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I dont know what an art college or animation studio looks like, but Id
really like to know when I get there.

Every time something big in my life changes I have a very hard time
learning how to mentally deal with it. Maybe Im also a little bit
disappointed in my creative accomplishments, even though I havent even
made that many yet. Sometimes I wish I wasnt such a workaholic self
absorbed perfectionist whos never satisfied with what hes achieved. No
matter what I accomplish, its never good enough by my standard, but Im
hoping that thats a good thing. I hate when I fall into the when one bad
thing happens, nothing in my life is right phase. I think what Im most
proud of so far is my recent drawings and writing work, especially the
drawings that I did earlier tonight. Fortunately I still enjoy drawing and
writing immensely and theyre still very fun things for me to do. This
probably calls for some much needed meditation.

Its just that in the past weeks, to myself, Ive seemed so much more cynical
than before, which is not a good thing, because I truly prefer optimism over
cynicism. My mind is so much less innocent and more jaded than it used to
be, which probably means that Im getting older, maturing, and becoming an
adult. I wish I could think as innocently as my mom does, but because of all
of the horrible things that I see my peers and people in general do, sometime
it can be tough for me to only focus on the positive, although I know thats
what I should be doing. At least I dont appear cynical, mean or annoying to
too many people, other than myself.

Ill say it again for the sake of repetition, but I try not to think too much of
my audience, how many people Im affecting or competition when Im
working. I think that just ends up putting too much expectation and pressure
on my behalf if I think about these things too; too much so. I mean, I have to
think about them sometimes, just not all of the time. What I try to think
about concentrating on when Im working is to make sure that I do the best
damn job that I can possibly do and make sure that Im putting out an
entertaining and quality product that at least one personif only myself
will enjoy.

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Lets see here. If it takes me roughly an entire hour to do a full page of

writing, and I write for ten hours, than in ten hours of a single day Id have
ten pages written in one day, which is pretty damn good. But to achieve this
much writing, Id have to write for just about the entire day. But Im sure
clustering would help me to reach a goal like this, because if I was using
clustering, than Id have an easier time deciding what to write about, so that
I wouldnt waste writing time trying to come up with a topic to write about.
The clustering process can save a lot of time from being wasted.

It is nice having money, but its not very nice feeling completely alone. I
wonder why Ive chosen to live my life in such isolation. I mean, sure I have
friends and family, but I dont spend anywhere near enough time with them.
I should spend more time with friends and family, because I do love them
after all. Theres no one at my school that I can really relate to very much.
Theyre all nothing like me. I think one thing I have to realize that Im never
going to meet anyone whos exactly like me.

I realize that Im not a god, Im not a genius and Im not perfect. Theres no
such thing as perfection and theres no such thing as a genius. Albert
Einstein, Mozart, and Leonardo da Vinci were never geniuses. They just had
talents and knacks for doing certain things. They knew their crafts
wonderfully from the very get go. Einstein was very left brained and da
Vinci taught himself to be able to think three-dimensionally.

When I consider the types of social sacrifices that Ive made, sometimes I
think of a quote from a television movie that got aired on TNT about Bill
Gates rise to success, called Pirates of Silicon Valley. One person told Bill
Gates in his garage Why is everyone else out getting drunk and laid while
your sitting in your garage toggling with computer equipment

I might be successful one day, but I dont think Ill ever go into the history
books. Im not that important. Therere people who have much more
important jobs than me, like surgeons, doctors, policemen, politicians and
teachers. They have jobs that actually benefit the public, not like us

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entertainers, who do nothing more than brighten some peoples days,

although I suppose that can be very important and beneficial in a way, as
well.

When youre studying writing and artists, its important not to study the
latest, most modern or popular artists and writers, but to study the earliest
artists and writers who influenced artists and writers after them, who
naturally ended up influencing the most modern and popular artists and
writers who are all the rage today, that way youll actually end up with
something of substance, instead of something that looks like a stolen style or
look with little substance, valor or worth. Thats what Frank Cho did, and
look how good his artwork is. Its hard to believe that he and Bill Waterson
are cartoonists instead of comic book artists, because they have the talent
and draftsmanship skills to be either of the two. Hes probably schooled, and
he studied the earliest artists as well as modern comic book artists and
cartoonists. I think Liberty Meadows is probably one of the funniest and best
illustrated syndicated comic strips running today. I dont have a true inking
style yet, but Ill just have to build up an inking knowledge by studying the
great illustrators, comic strip and comic books artists, so that Ill know
whats good inking and whats bad inking. Good inking can make a good
pencil drawing look even better. Bad inking can fuck it up. But still, if the
pencil drawing sucks, the inked drawing is probably still going to not look
very good or well drawn.

Ive actually begun watching that Digimon: Digital Monsters show. The
same thing happened with that show that happened with DBZ. At first I
didnt like the shows at all, but I eventually warmed up to them, and now I
watch them all the time. I still hate watching Pokemon, though. I cant stand
that show. It just kind of annoys me.

I remember when Saturday morning used to be nothing but just about all
animated original programming. Now all it is just a lot of anime and
computer generated cartoons like Beast Wars and Max Steele. I also
remember the television phase where the networks aired a vast variety of
more adult prime time animation, all trying to be the next Simpsons. And it
wasnt just Fox. UPN, the WB, NBC, USA, HBO, Comedy Central, MTV

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and even ABC hoped and tried to get in on the action of adult animation, but
nearly all of them failed to achieve Foxs type of success.

I went to Sci-Fi City not too long ago, and I have to say it probably has the
best overall selection out of all the comic book stores Ive been to. This
place has comic books, manga, anime, t-shirts, role-playing games, indie
comic books, magazines, action figures, trade paperbacks and books. Its a
geeks paradise. I especially like their selection of T-shirts, indie comics,
manga and anime. On the fanboy scale, I give Sci-Fi City five stars. The
same goes for Borders and Park Ave CDs, not just for their selections, but
for the atmospheres as well.

This moment in my life is merely the beginning of my quest to hone my

ability at the art and craft of writing, drawing and storytelling. Even ten
years from now when Im turning 27, Ill still be learning and honing my
ability. In about fifteen minutes, Im going to have to get back to reading. I
didnt practice drawing very much today, but I read, wrote, got a haircut
meditated and visited Sci-Fi City instead.

Also, Ive realized that right now, I kind of suck at drawing backgrounds,
objects and vehicles, which is another thing that Im going to have to
practice a lot to get good at. Its all part of learning to become a good
draftsman and adapting draftsmanship skills. Im going to have to find some
good drawings of backgrounds and learn from those drawings, and also
possibly copy them if doing that will help me learn.

After I graduate from high school, than Ill have to go through another four
years of art school. Thats a lot of time and a lot of drawings later. I think
Im starting to lose my focus, but fortunately not entirely. I know what I
have to do. I just have to do it, but this is bullshit, and I know it. Ive done it
before, and I can do it again. The question is Do I have the discipline,
talent, and drawing skills to make it into and through a good art college? I
believe that the answer is yes, as long as I dont waste my time on this
journal as much anymore and devote more time and effort towards drawing,
which is what I know I can do.

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I went to a tooth doctor after school today, and Ill be getting my wisdom
teeth taken out in about two weeks from now. Its finally going to happen. I
still have to make a birthday list and write Choi back. Im terrible at sticking
to a routine schedule. My work ethic is so unpredictable. I have to get to
reading and drawing tonight. I think my life is beginning to become
repetitive once again. Ive just started to stop going to lessons, and already
Im beginning to do what I feared that I might start doing. Im slacking and
getting lazy. Im not going to lie to myself. I admit it, but now that I admit
my flaw, I can correct it in order to improve myself and get back to
improving my skills at my craft. Im beginning to hate myself again.
Actually, I dont hate myself. I hate my lethargy. Why couldnt I have just
chosen to do one thing and stick with it, instead of picking many things and
not sticking with any of them?

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 14

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2000

I dont have much time to write in this journal, because I have to draw for an
hour or two and finally get around to writing that letter to Choi. Yesterday
night I went to that writers group at Borders for the second time, and I
learned some valuable things to know. I also learned that one of the only
colleges in Florida where you dont need a prerequisite to take a creative
writing class is a Community College.

Also, I guess that I dont have a choice. Im kind of have to be going to take
a figure and anatomy drawing class at a community college or some place
like that, so that Ill have a better understanding of anatomy, and plus, I
might walk away from the class with some drawings to put in my portfolio
that Im going to be submitting to art colleges.

I think Im going to get around to teaching myself to draw early in the

morning and later in the evening. That way, Ill be able to draw anytime. I
think maybe I should begin getting ideas for fiction stories, especially
novels. All I have to do tonight though is draw and find that note that Choi
wrote me. These things arent going to be very hard to do. I dont know why
I get so intimidated by drawing during the morning and evening. Until Im
able to take an anatomy drawing class, Ill still keep drawing things out of
the anatomy books and things around my house. Drawing is actually pretty
easy for me most of the time. It puzzles me as to why Im intimidated by the
process. Its just goddamned paper and pencils, after all. I have to also
remember gestures and contours. When I get to the drawing table, Ill
probably be a tad bit rusty, but that makes sense, because I havent practiced
in a couple days. I did a gesture drawing earlier today of a coffee cup, but
that was it. I have to be able to draw things I dont want to draw just as well
as I can draw things I love to draw. Im going to spend at least an hour
drawing tonight, so Im really trying to prepare myself for the challenge. I
know Im going to be able to do this. Im going to start whenever Im ready,
so if I dont start exactly at 7:00 oclock this evening, then thats okay, as

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long as I start tonight. I have to be able to pace myself and stay relaxed.
When I fill up this page, Ill go straight to the drawing table and begin the
routine. Im not sure what Im going to draw, but Ill decide when I get
there. I have to learn to practice diligently, thats how Ill get really good.
This is good. My pre-drawing panic phase has passed. Ive taken three Advil
in case my stress pain gets worse and Ive chosen a few of the things that
Im going to draw. Im in a much better state of mind now, because I must
be relaxed when Im working, otherwise my body will become stiff, my arm
will tighten up, Ill feel overheated, my drawings will look horrible Ill get
frustrated and Ill give up. But fortunately, I seriously doubt any of these
things will happen. The thought of drawing, to me, can at first seem like
stressful nerve wracking torture when I get blocked, but once I get over my
initial intimidation and fear, Ill actually find myself pretty involved in the
drawing routine and enjoy the feeling I get from what Im doing immensely.

Four names that Ive been thinking about recently are John Lennon, Yoko
Ono, Al Gore and George Bush, about John and Yoko. I know a couple
things about John Lennon and Yoko. I know that John Lennon and Paul
McCartney were both artists as well as musicians. John Lennon used a lot of
drugs, including LSD, John thought of himself as a genius. John Lennon was
shot by a man who wanted to immortalize him. A lot of people criticized
Yoko Ono because they thought that she was the reason that the Beatles
broke up, but John Lennon, as well as I, think that it wasnt her fault. It was
just a racist and prejudiced thing against her. She is an atheist Japanese
woman, after all.

As for the election, I think its turning out to be nothing more than on big
popularity contest, and although I have a feeling that Im somewhat
conservative, I think if I could vote, Id vote for Al Gore. I think hed do
many better things for this country than George Bush ever could. Bush is
against the right to choose, gay rights and gun control and Gore is just the
opposite. I think that Bush is going to win the election, simply because hes
better at dealing with the people, hes more charismatic, and he doesnt seem
like a stick in the mud. I think the people in this country dont care what the
candidates stand for, or doing research, I think they only care about who has
the best personality, which I think is so very, very sad. To be quite honest, I
think both of them are hypocrites, but if I were old enough to vote, Id stick
with Al Gore.

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When youre not rich and you have to work for a living, it doesnt matter if
you enjoy your creative work or not. You have to do it anyway. You have to
eat after all. I dont expect all of the things I do, or possibly any of them, to
have mass appeal. The ideas are so far out there that Id expect them to turn
a lot of people off. A lot of people think that weird, macabre, offbeat and
bizarre automatically means bad. Ive never really been able to grasp that
specific mindset, because I like things that are out of the ordinary and out
there.

Some advice that my art teacher gave me on writing was To simply write
whatever comes to you, and thats exactly what I do here in this journal of
mine.

I wonder if I dont have to fill up a page a day if I dont want to. Lately Ive
had trouble deciding if that rule applies to me or not. I need to stop trying so
hard to sound witty or profound and simply concentrate on just writing,
because if you write consistently for long enough, the wittiness, innovation
and profoundness will eventually come. It wont come naturally right away,
but if it does, thats probably because it was forced out of you, which is
never a good thing. Avoid forced writing at all costs. In that nature, drawing
is very similar. The trick is getting the two, the yin and the yang, to come
naturally and easily. Actually, I think thats what Im doing right now, and
guess what. Ive almost filled up an entire page in less than twenty
minutes!!! Hell yeah, beeyotch!!! I think that I just might be able to make a
fantastic outstanding writer when I grow up, as long as I keep on writing. I
have to keep practicing writing anything and everything. Novels, short
stories, novellas, scripts, forwards, poems, songs, etc., etc. I like to be able to
do a little bit of everything. Thats just the way I prefer to work. Some times
writing can be as torturous as taking a really bad shit on a toilet, and
sometimes it can be as amazing, rewarding and enjoyable as winning the
lottery. It all depends on when and how you do it.

I went out and did quite a few things today. I went to Adventure Into
Comics, Borders, Park Ave CDs, and the dollar theatre. I bought four comic

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books (two issues of SIP, and individual issues of Dark Minds, and Blade
the Immortal. I really like the way the Dark Minds comic book is colored. If
all manga were in color, Id expect the majority of them to be colored in that
manner.) as well as Two CDs, one by Pizzicato Five and one by Bjork, as
well as saw the X-Men movie on DVD, and bought subs, or as their known
in Philadelphia, hoagies, for dinner.. I like both of the CDs, even though
they lose my attention at certain points, but nonetheless, I still like them. I
drew for forty-five minutes, did two drawings, and wrote for only twenty or
thirty minutes, which is a tremendous improvement in work ethic, because I
devoted more time to drawing than writing today, which is exactly the goal
that Ive been aiming for. And now Im listening to the Sound Opinions. I
really like that Concerto song by P5, or Pizzicato Five. I used to think the
two of them were two separate bands, but then I put two and two together
and found out that P5 was Pizzicato Five.

It doesnt matter which one Im doing. Animation. Or comic books. No

matter which one Im doing, I put my heart, mind and soul into it
completely, no matter which one it is. Same goes for directing and writing.

Ive watched barely any television today, but Ive gone to a lot of places and
done a lot of work, which is even better than TV most of the time.

I dont think Id be very good at doing lectures or panel discussions.

Actually, I just might. Id never really know unless I tried. I would like to
get around to reading some C.S. Lewis and Ray Bradbury books one day.
Actually, there are a lot of authors books that Id like to get around to
reading one day, but guess what. Im not rich, so I have spent the majority of
my time working like most other people in this world. And besides, even if I
was affluent, Id still keep working.

Most Hip-Hop music probably isnt easy. If it was, then everyone would be
doing it.

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Ive done and learned so many things that it would take me a long time to
keep track of it all. Thats part of the reason I keep a journal. Ive made so
many goddamned improvements in such a short amount of time that its
tough for me to believe. I definitely live an extraordinary life. Im just a little
bit different from every one. The black sheep of the lot, so to speak, though
it doesnt bother me one bit, as long as Im enjoying myself and my life. One
good reason I do what I do would be to communicate to people. When I
write and illustrate stories, Im somehow magically able to communicate my
own personal message and words to people. Im not that good at physically
speaking to the masses, so Ive gone and done the next best thing.

I still remember the time I would hear the ghost train siren late at night
through my bedroom window. It was haunting, yet at the same time,
beautiful and timeless to me. This song that Im listening to by Bjork and
Radioheads Thom Yorke off the Selmasongs CD reminds me of that sound
I used to hear, because it has the sound of a train on it, and like the sound,
the song is equally haunting. Not quite scary, but more of the eternal and
ghostly nature. Bjorks voices tone goes up and down during the course of
her songs, but it never quite loses that original impact, which is, of course, a
good thing.

If and when I get published, Ill most likely never completely forget about
my youth and where I came from, and in that respect, I hope that if the
people I used to know who see my published work, if that happens, I hope
that they like my work at some point. I know my family would, but what Im
talking about is my old friends and people like that. Even if I do end up
selling five zillion copies and make millions of dollars, Id still be happy
with the fact that those few people I used to know are still willing to support
me and buy the products that I offer the public. Every one of my supporters
matter to me, and I really, really appreciate any type of support that I can
get.

Even though I do have to be at work by 12:30 in the morning tomorrow, I

think since Ive been up late tonight, than Ill sleep in tomorrow morning,
unless my parents decide to wake me up, and in which case, Ill simply
mutter Ah, fuck it, throw my scattered covers aside, get out of my bed and

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watch television. Probably cartoons, because God knows theres nothing else
on at that time on a weekend morning.

I just finished that Writing the Natural Way book. It was all right. Ill just
have to make sure I buy the book and read it again, but next time make sure
to actually do the exercises out of the book, so that Ill improve my writing. I
worked for about seven hours today on a Sunday, and Jesus Christ, am I
tired!! Id really like to lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling just to
relax, but Im a hard worker, so after I got home and finished watching my
new Gundam Wing tape that Ive had for a little bit, I went straight to the
word processor. I dont have as much time to rest and relax as I used to.
Even though Im not going to art lessons anymore, Im still a very busy man
in general. I dont really stay up super late at night anymore. I wouldnt have
a single ounce of strength if I did that. I cant rest until I fill up the majority
of this page, or go to bed.

Here I am, typing on the computer early on a weekday morning once again. I
dont type early in the morning for some reason. Bjork and Thom Yorke are
both musical geniuses, if a genius exists at all, but I doubt that it does.

I hope the comic books industry isnt really dying.

I found a new store today. Its online and its called Hot Topic, and I visited
their website at www.hottopic.com, and saw some pretty damn cool shirts
there. So theres a couple new stores that I could shop at or just look at and
they are Hot Topic, DIY records, Amazon, eBay, Sci-Fi city, and Fandom. I
find it strange that Ive found all these new stores just recently, considering
that Ive taken a hiatus from spending so much money to try to put a lot of
money in the bank and use the hell out of my drawing table to try to get a
portfolio together. I know what its like to be a starving artist. My artwork is
beginning to get more exposure than it used to. Right now its displayed in a
vets office, and its going to get printed in a national book. Thousands of
people are going to be seeing my artwork, which is always good.

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I may be somewhat of a fanboy or dork, but I do have a pretty damn cool, tshirt, comic book, video, magazine, CD and book collection.

If Im going to write modern paranormal fantasy suspense with a hint of

humor, than Ill have to do a lot of reading. Ill have to read a lot of books
on occultism, ones by fantasy authors, thrillers by the masters of their craft,
classic literature to see what makes quality writing, as well as humorous
fiction books, even though those types of books are few and far between. I
also plan or reading many books on the craft of writing, over and over again,
so that Ill become a better writer. This is what Im going to do. If you want
to write for a certain type of category, you have to be able to study the
masters of that category and figure out why theyre so good and successful
at what they do. This way I can have a wide range of good influences instead
of a narrow one. Narrow influences usually equal narrow writing.

To be quite honest, deep down in the bowels of my heart, I know that Im

not writing to get rich and famous. Im writing to make a decent contribution
to the world of literature, as well as to communicate to people. I want to
write some damn good books. Im going to attempt to write something truly
original.

Actually, I never really planned on becoming a writer. It just sort of

happened and came straight out of nowhere, and now I write crazily on this
word process like mad, in hopes of becoming a novelist and scriptwriter of
some sort, after I become a professional artist.

At school Im so quiet and reserved around the other kids. I never reveal too
much of myself. In a way I kind of drive the people I dont know away and
build up somewhat of a protective barrier around myself. Maybe its because
I dont like socializing with other kids I dont know or maybe its because I
fear rejection. I guess Ive never really know. Ever since I was pretty young,
I was always a loner who kind of kept to himself. I do socialize somewhat
more than I used to, so I suppose Ive improved in that right.

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I realize I have some skills. I just dont know what I do the best. I cant
decide whether Im better at writing or drawing. I have ability for both of
them. I am pretty fashion savvy. Like my mother says, I know what I like.
When Im in public, Ill laugh at everything, even when its a joke at my true
expense. If someone tries to make a rude joke at my expense, Ill usually just
end up laughing it off instead of getting to offended and contributing to a
confrontation. Part of the reason I do that is probably because Im part
Buddhist and part Pacifist, which means Im anti-violence and seek inner
peace as well as happiness, which I think with the help of Buddhas
teachings and wisdom, Ive been able to find lately. I dont know if Ill ever
be a true celebrity, but I do know that Ive found inner peace, and thats
better than being a rich and famous celebrity of some sort. I think in a way,
we all want to be happy, loved, and accepted in one way or another. Im also
am seeking to become a more proficient philosopher, and I think that will
come if I study up on the subjects of philosophy and business as well as take
some classes. Im also going to have to do some clustering exercises on the
topics of writing and tutoring, for Mr. Patterson and the writers group. I
have to realize that when I get assignments, than that means I have to do the
assignments, whether Im inspired to do them or not, which I think is what
the case is here.

Here are some very famous classic authors. Mark Twain, O. Henry, F. Scott
Fitzgerald, William Faulkner, Thomas Wolfe, Herman Melville, Stephen
Crane, and Stephen Vincent Benet. I didnt practice today, but Ill probably
read instead, so thats okay, as long as I draw in the next few days. The
Occult, the supernatural, and the paranormal. Theyre all basically the same
thing, arent they?

I have such a horrible memory span that its almost embarrassing.

Well, I see that the Harry Potter merchandising campaign is in full swing.
Same goes for Dragonball Z and Gundam Wing.

Now that Ive been studying the masters of Western literature and art, I must
say that I love it. I wonder what the point of Numerology is. I can

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understand why people would like Astrology, but Numerology? I just dont
get it. Religion does fascinate me. Christianity, Catholicism, Methodism,
Judaism, Buddhism, Zen Buddhism, theism, monotheism, atheism,
agnosticism, Zionism, paganism, Satanism. Lets not forget mythology, folk
tale and urban legends as well. Theres also karma, Tao, aura, spirit and chi,
whatever those things are. Palmistry, interpreting dreams are some other
strange things as well. Im a believer and a skeptic all at the same time. Call
me a heathen if you want to. But that doesnt necessarily mean that its true.

It can be somewhat challenging to become knowledgeable about historic

events if you werent around or beyond your childhood years during that
time. Im very close and am almost on the verge of becoming a straight-A
student. I think my GPA is somewhere around a 3.5. Im very proud of the
accomplishments Ive made in my writing, drawing, and schoolwork. I have
a book on visualization and one on philosophy, so if I want to improve my
knowledge some, Ill read those two books. I just bought another book, on
Stanley Kubrick, which I think will be very useful to me in the future. Yes,
the Kubrick book, and the Monty Python scripts anthology. My name
database grows everyday. I know so many names of creative influences,
which can be very entertaining at times. Half of them I dont even list in my
journal writing, because I dont have much interest in them. Im so excited
when I get to meet celebrities who are so much better, bigger and important
than I could ever hope to be one day, and Ive met a couple of them. I
havent watched an episode of The X-Files in such a long time, as well as
Futurama. I dont watch television as much as I used to. I watched about
thirty minutes of it today, and that was about it. I have been following the
election and I listen to Howard Sterns show sometimes during school.

Luckily, I only have one more school day to survive until the weekend
comes, thank the gods.

Im so cold this Friday morning. Jeez. I cant wait till I get to sit in the
shower and warm myself up. I dont know why, but Im always tired and
Im always cold. I cant stand either one of these things, although I suppose
if Im going to be living in New York than Id better get used to it being a

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lot colder than this. I just should have worn some pants to bed, so that I
wouldnt have to wake up with cold legs like I did now.

I wonder if Dean Koontz and Stephen King are in competition. They both
write about suspense and horror, theyre both very rich and theyre both
constantly on New York Times bestseller lists. I wonder what the true
differences are between insanity and genius. I do have a very high
intellectual and creative ability, which is quite encouraging at times, but I
dont think Im a genius or that Im perfect in any sort of way. I always have
room for improvement in everything that I do, including writing, school and
drawing.

Heres some new gothic terms I invented. Melancholic beauty, and The
Dark Queen.

Good news. It turns out that Phil isnt going to be leaving for New York
right away, so I might be able to have a few more lessons with him before he
has to leave, and Im pretty sure that were going to be getting into some
hardcore figure drawing in the next week or few weeks. This way he can
help show me how to approach life and figure drawing properly, and Im
sure that Im up to the challenge. Being a creative semi-genius intellectual is
a lot different than being a dork, an outcast or a jock. At least during teenage
years it is.

The truth is that yes, I do use a lot of self monitoring and self restraint,
which somehow are things that Ive taught myself how to do.

I havent used my keyboard, guitar or drumset at all lately. I think that since
today is the day that Im going to get a lot of things done, that I just might
use one of them for a change, but maybe not.

Its not like I used to hope. Im starting to have quite a bit of skepticism
about whether or not theres someone out there who will cling to my every

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word and theory. Not even my current best friends, Johnny B or Phil, as well
as my family, do that, so why would any of my fans, that is if I even have
any who enjoy my work. The things I write about and draw are too out there.
Ill have a small following, if any. I am so full of self-doubt and I dont
know why. Its probably a subliminal attempt to keep my ego from getting
too big. I believe Ill become more successful if Im not kissing my own ass
and patting myself on the back all the time. Either that or Ill get more work
done, and if a person works harder than everyone else, that probably means
that theyll eventually be more successful. Id never improve if I wasnt my
own worst critic.

I admire Tim Burton and Trent Reznor, partially because theyve been able
to keep themselves away from the limelight for so long. I think geniuses are
usually somehow able to keep themselves out of the limelight somehow,
even though I dont believe that a genius has actually ever existed.

I cant believe Ive already written two pages and its only 12:00 p.m. in the
day.

Im this intelligent and well tailored and I dont have a girlfriend yet, yet
horny little idiot boys dont seem to have any trouble at all attracting the
really good looking (and probably absent-minded) women. Im sure Im not
alone, though Since Im Buddhist, I suppose that its truly a good thing that I
dont have a girlfriend. I had the whole day off today and I didnt do a single
drawing. Its okay, though, since I dont desire that too much, either. Its no
reason to hit myself over the head just because I didnt draw. I have to relax
about the whole thing and enjoy it. Instead, I went to Park Ave. CDs and I
sorted through some more of my old magazines. I swear, this journal is
whats going to be my downfall. Its whats been keeping me from getting
anything done. Im addicted to writing in this journal. Its time I dropped the
habit or else Ill never get anything done. Ill just keep sitting on my ass and
typing away, getting absolutely nothing done. Im starting to worry myself.

I have a couple videogames that I own, which Im going to have to play

soon. They are Final Fantasy VII, Resident Evil 2, Crash Bandicoot, Riven,

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Half-Life, and Need for Speed III. These are games I havent played much
lately, but I seriously want to play and beat, which I know I can do if I play
them devotedly enough.

I like Manga comics a lot more than I used to. Some of My favorites are Oh
My Goddess!, Blade the Immortal and Animerica Extra. Ones that I want to
get are Gunsmith Cats, Youre Under Arrest!, Ghost In the Shell, and Akira.

Im going to have to be redoing some of my old drawings, like the portraits

of Madonna and Jakob Dylan, only this time Ill use that Drawing on the
Right Side of the Brain book for reference, as well as measure proportions
with a business card. Im going to have to make gesture, contour, portrait,
and life drawing my main priority as well as do cartoons and keep
everything in proportion and perspective. My second and third priorities will
be cartooning and inking. Im going to have to practice shading a lot also.
Im going to copy a lot of drawings out of the anatomy books and comic
books that I have as well. Id better produce a lot of damn good work in the
next couple of weeks and months so that Ill make a lot of spectacular
breakthroughs, which means I cant get lazy and Im going to have to put
some real effort in. I can draw, as long as I dont get lazy and put some real
effort into my work, which I know I can do. Actually, now that I think about
it, why the hell am I still typing away at this damn keyboard when there is
drawing to be done? My shading looks shitty and it needs a lot of work. Im
not even tired, so I shouldnt have much trouble at all getting to the drawing
board for about an hour or more tonight from 8:45 to 10:00. I have fifteen
minutes left until I begin drawing. Its do-or-die. Succeed or fail. Its my
responsibility to maintain this superior ability. The true artist is able to draw,
even when their body and mind say hell no!, and theyre the ones who feel
better about themselves, because theyre able to draw even when theyre not
a single bit motivated to do so. Thats what I am and am going to be for the
next two years. I dont have a choice if I want to get into a good art school.
Ten minutes left, and counting. My, how time flies. Especially right now,
but I guess Ill just keep typing until it gets to 8:45. I got some reading done
earlier today before I went to work. I was reading the new issues I got of
Blade the Immortal. God, do I love that comic book. Its so amazing. I have
a feeling that when I turn 21, Ill probably buy a little bit of beer, just to see
what drinking is like, and than not drink at all for a long time, so that I dont
become alcoholic or anything. Five minutes left to go. I really wanted to rest

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tonight, but I have a responsibility to uphold for myself and for the future
benefit of the world. Its my job to be the best goddamn artist and writer I
can be, so that I can give people as well as myself something to really get a
kick out of and enjoy. Two minutes left. I might be a couple minutes left
when I hit the drawing board, but thats only if I can think of something
significant to say in the next few minutes. So far, I cant think of anything. I
work a lot of hours. In a typical day, Ill wake up early in the morning, Ill
go to school, get home from school, write and draw, go to my job, get home
and then write and draw while listening to music, and then go to bed. I have
a busy schedule. This doesnt count all the other things that Im trying to fit
into my schedule, like exercise, meditation, reading and music.

I just finished drawing for about half an hour, like I said that I was going to
do, so Ill congratulate myself for doing that and not chickening out or
getting lazy like I have in the past. But now that Ive done that, Im full of
energy. I started to redo the Madonna drawing, only measuring the
proportions also, but then I decided it was taking too long to finish tonight,
so Im probably saving part of it for tomorrow, as well as some other
drawings Im going to redo. I have to make sure that with every future
copied drawing I do, that I check all the proportions when Im drawing
them. The one I did part of tonight, from what I observed, was definitely
worth the extra effort that I took to draw it. If I spent an entire hour doing
gesture drawings, and a couple hours doing nothing but contours, Im sure
doing that would help my ability improve tenfold. I also have to remember
that I have clustering to do, as well as animation notes to read. I know what I
have to do in the next couple weeks, and as long as I do it, Ill be that much
better at what I do. I havent talked about Toonami, which were constant
recurring themes in my journal writing, a few segments ago. I do my job and
crafts, but I also do them well, which is one of the many things that I strive
for.

I think that some of the best literature out there has always been open to
multiple interpretations, like Stephen Kings writing, for instance. Good
writing should have good characters, well executed plotting, and good
narrative pacing as well. And even good writing will be a lot better after its
been edited and revised many times. Its also not easy to come up with novel
and character names. I know for certain that I dont have an easy time
coming up with names for characters and titles.

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I suppose that Id better be getting to bed fairly soon, so that Ill have an
easier time waking up tomorrow morning.

I went to the library today, and saw a lot of cool books, finally! I actually
checked two of them out, and have found four authors who Im going to be
sure to read many more books by. Their names are Carl Hiaasen, Tess
Gerritson, Nick Hornby, and Neil Gaiman. The books I checked out were
Sick Puppy by Carl Hiaasen and Stardust by Neil Gaiman. I plan to read
both these books religiously, Sick Puppy first. If I like Sick Puppy, Ill be
sure to read many more books by him. Im going to have to be getting to
drawing tonight once again. You never know. Maybe the setting for one of
my novels will take place in Florida. I mean I do know Florida pretty well,
even though its probably not one of my favorite states. I think my dads
starting to get kind of pissed off, because its 9:00 and I havent gotten to
drawing yet, but he need not worry.

I got drawing done last night. Im going to get a lot of drawing done today,
also. After Ive written and read for a little bit, Ill get to the drawing. After
all, its only 8:56 in the morning and school got canceled for today, and I
dont have to go to my job until later today. Today, Im also going to pick up
my paycheck and put a lot of my money in the bank. That Madonna drawing
that I did looked good the first time, but now that Ive redone in, measuring
proportions the second time around, the second drawing looks spectacular. It
looks much more like Madonna. It almost looks exactly like it does in the
photograph. Im really seriously hoping that my other many life drawings
that I do in the future will look as good as this drawing, or better. The
shading looks a ton better than it does in the first drawing. Ive got a lot of
books to read and study now, especially fiction and drawing books.

Its good to know that I havent run out of good ideas yet. Im always
coming up with new ones and improving upon old ones. I still believe that
my grammar and typing methods could use a lot of improving. But those
things will come if I practice enough. I had been practicing my typing
before, but for some reason, I havent practiced in a while. And I still have

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to figure out how to use the scanner and Corel Draw 8 for artwork that I
make. I also have to edit my book report for school today.

Soon, at the end of this week, Ill be getting my wisdom teeth pulled, after
that it will be my birthday, and then after that, Christmas time will arrive.
After I went to the library yesterday, I realized that I forgot to look through
the philosophy section. I think it would be a good idea to check out books on
philosophy and Buddhism from the library, as well as fiction books Im
looking forward to reading. Im definitely an avid reader. I read all kinds of
books that can be a length of anywhere from 50 to 800 pages. Of course
when I say 800 page books, I mean fictional novels. I love fiction and self
help books. I have a good academic background. I wonder how many people
would want to have the jobs that I might have as well as would want to be at
the same type of level that Im at. I really need a laptop.

The questions a person can always ask are Whats the temperature?
Wheres the place? What time is it? Whos there? When did it happen? How
did it happen? etc., etc.

I do know modern pop culture pretty well. But popular culture of the 40s,
50s, 60s, 70s and 80s I dont know so well. I know about a lot of pop culture
in the 90s and the new millennium, though. Ive already filled up a page of
journal writing, so basically now, Im writing for the sake of fun and
enjoyment. I do enjoy reading my own writing, after all. I think my friends
and acquaintances in my life have always thought of me as some kind of
weirdo, but does it bother me? No.

I just finished reading the new issues of Blade of the Immortal and the one
issue of Dark Minds that I got, and I definitely plan to buy more issues of
these two comic books in the near future using part of my future paychecks.
But the majority of my future paychecks are going in the bank towards
college. The artwork in Dark Minds and Blade of the Immortal is way better
than some of the grimier artwork in books I own. The artwork for the other
book is very mishy-moshy and dirty looking. Its not very enjoyable to look
at most of the time recently. The artwork used to be really good, which is

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why I started to buy it in the first place, when it was just the original creators
working on it. But now some new guy jumped on the franchise bandwagon
and fucked the whole art style up, making it look much sloppier than it used
to. I dont know why I even pay $1.95 each month so that I can even bother
reading that piece of crap. It sucks now, but it didnt used to. I think that
book now truly is one of the biggest piles of shit on the market. The inking
style is sloppy, the writing is terrible, and the anatomy, and composition are
intricate but theyre still poorly done. Its like certain kinds of discordant
musicTone-def. It also lacks depth and good storytelling. The only reason
that I can point all of these things out is because Ive been drawing and
writing for a while, so I have a pretty good personal idea of what makes
good artwork and a good story thats told well. The book I used to love used
to be a beautifully tragic tail about lost love and affection with a lot of great
conflict. Now its just one big messy, grim, gothic, sloppy clone of the
Marvel approach to mainstream comic books and marketing. I guess you
could say that Im an ex-fan. I liked the book back in the day. Now its
turned into just another crappy comic book that everybody knows about
now. The animated series was much better than the recent issues of the
comic book. Theres so many great comics made by talented people, out
there on the market. Unfortunately, that book is no longer one of them. Its
like a dead body. It keeps decaying more and more each month, and by that I
mean the sales keep dropping and dropping and the artwork just keeps
getting worse and worse. I guess for most comic books in general, if I want
real depth, most of the time Ill just turn to reading novels instead. There are
comics out there that have the depth of novels, and theyre the ones that I
really make an effort to find, buy and read.

Ive begun to notice that as Ive gotten older, my tastes have matured and
gotten much better, which would probably explain why I dont like the book
I was just talking about, Saturday morning cartoons, Stephen King books, ,
Primus, Garfield, and They Might Be Giants as much as I used to. I mean I
still kind of enjoy them all with the exception of a certain comic book. Its
just that I dont like them anywhere near as much as I used to. Now I search
for a higher plain of knowledge, art and storytelling, but Im also searching
for quality, depth and substance that are put together in a very entertaining
way. I dont think that anyone truly looses their knack and talent for
something. They may get a little bit rusty and forget some of the methods
they used, but no one every truly looses all of their talent, unless they get
some sort of brain damage, which hasnt happened to me, thank the gods.

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After Im done typing, Im getting back to reading, and then its drawing
time for at least an hour, since I have the majority of today off from school.
Since Im serious about writing, I write even when I have nothing particular
to say and write about.

Ive also decided that Im not going to try to be a singular artist and writer
until later on in my career. For now Id just be happy working on a staff, not
having too much of an identity from the rest of the staff or getting individual
media attention, and just seeming like part of the creative staff. It doesnt
bother me if thats way down the road from the beginning of my career, just
as long as I achieve a good job on the thing that Im working on. Im willing
to not have an individual identity at first, so that Ill be able to get my foot
into the door and make contacts with people in the industry.

I think Ill eventually do a cluster around the phrase suburban town, just to
see what comes to mind. That way, if I write about a story that takes place in
a suburb, Ill have some springboards, reference and inspiration. To get
ideas for my writing, Ill do a lot of clustering and observing as well as
writing my takes and opinions on as many topics that I can think of. Itll
start out easy like by doing the things above that Ive mentioned. That way,
when I get to the harder parts of the writing, I wont be quite as stumped. To
be a writer, it really helps to have a point of view and opinions on as many
topics as you can think of. I like to write about topics in ways that seem
interesting, fresh and new. Therere so many different places and types of
people to write about. It can sometimes be fun to write different characters,
just to see how they react to one another. The truth is that right now, Im not
super active in my own community, however, I do get out sometimes and
work at my local grocery store as a courtesy clerk and get to see the local
people during much of the time. I didnt get to draw before work. So
apparently, Ill have to be doing it after I get home from work tonight,
before I go to bed. I got a lot of reading done today, though of all comic
books. I read half the comic books I bought in the last couple of weeks, and I
bought quite a bit of comic books. I read all of Blade of the Immortal and
Strangers in Paradise. I read for so long that I started to get cramps from the
position on the bed that I was lying in, reading them.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 15

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2000

I realize I didnt draw enough today on Halloween, but I got a ton of decent
reading and writing done. However, I did draw some tonight, and I didnt
have much trouble doing it after 9:30 p.m.

I think Id like to know more about classic bands like Simon and Garfunkle,
Rod Stewart, and Stevie Ray Vaughn. Im taping part of VH1s 100
Greatest Artists of All Time, so that might help.

I have to draw today, before I go to lessons once again. Ill probably do

something easy that wont take too long, but thats just because I dont have
a lot of time. Believe me, Id love to get around to spending a whole day
doing nothing but drawing. Unfortunately, I havent had that type of a
chance or that much free time yet, except maybe on the weekends. Im going
to make a note to do more drawings in the way I did that realistic Madonna
drawing, where I spend a lot of time measuring proportions and using
careful shading and lighting. If I keep that up, Im sure Ill at least have a
few good full drawings to put into my portfolio. I want to show them
realism, cartooniness, and everything else in between. Ive personally
noticed that my texturing, especially my rendering, lighting and shading,
have reached a new plateau, or however you spell that word. Those books
Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and The Natural Way to Draw really
work. Ive seen drastic improvements in my figure and portrait drawing after
I studied the books even just a little bit. I cant even imagine what my
drawings would look like a couple years from now if I study those books for
a couple years and go to an art college. Am I an artistic genius? No. But
neither were Picasso, Van Gogh, Disney, Rockwell, Eisner, Hogarth, or Da
Vinci. I just know my craft well, like they did and do. I wish I could say that
I was born a genius and the talent came naturally, but it didnt. Even simply
reaching a level like the one Im at now took a hell of a lot of effort,
determination and hard work, and it wasnt always fun or enjoyable. I love
reading how-to books, and taking drawing classes and lessons! I honestly do.
I love to learn more about my crafts. Ive realized after all these years that
Im just as flawed and confused as anyone else in this world is, but Im more

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enlightened than I used to be. I cant forget or ditch all of the other things
Ive learned in the past, as well, especially acting out parts, anatomy,
composition, perspective, storytelling, design elements, three-dimensionality
and pathos. So far Ive spent the past two years honing and improving my
craft, sacrificing a lot of things to reach a higher level of skill, but I think
Im a better person for doing so. Im more proficient at a lot of different
things now, thank the gods. I still suck at the guitar, cartooning and drums,
though, but thats because I dont practice those things as much as I practice
the other things. In the next couple days, Im going to write to Choi. I feel
like such a bastard for waiting this long to write to her. I feel guilty for
waiting all this time.
I got back from lessons and had a very interesting time. I think we came up
with an idea for a possible portfolio piece.
Phil also said that when I first started coming to lessons, I was filled to the
brim with ideas, but I didnt know and couldnt get them across well enough,
but he said now I know much more about the technical aspects of drawing
and to just get the cool and wild ideas down on paper, so in other words,
combine the two techniques that Ive learned in the past two years to create
something spectacular. He said its an amazing thing that what I draw is so
eclectic, like switching from drawing Porky Pig to drawing a damn good
portrait drawing of Madonna. Phil also gave me the okay to put other
drawings in my portfolio that are done in the Madonna manner. Next week,
were going to work on drawing from real life. He also said that my creative
visualizing mind must always be on.

I like being able to switch from one medium to another, like going from
cartooning to portraits to gestures to contours to animating to inking to
comic book page layout to writing scripts to directing to writing novels as
well as acting and singing. Im aiming to do all these things and more, just
not at the same time. I also want to do painting, guitar, song writing and
poetry writing. I dont know what people will mostly remember me for.
Hopefully many different things. I hope to make a decent impact on many
different industries and mediums like Frank Zappa, Paul McCartney, Kevin
Smith and some other people. I dont know if Id be remembered most for
my books, comic books, television shows or movies. There are so many
classic and legendary bands out there, and I dont just mean Elvis and the
Beatles. There are more than just them. There are a lot of new names that
Ive just found out about in the past few months that Im planning on doing a
lot more research on. Its tough for me to believe that Ive been writing in

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this computer journal for an entire year and Im on my 15th twenty-page

journal file. Its just so amazing.
I dont want any part of this aggressive American culture. I am pacifist,
after all. I used to think that I was a republican, but now that I have an idea
that Democrats are more liberal, I think I might really be a Democrat.
Actually, technically, Im probably an Independent, but if I had to pick
Republican or Democrat, than Id probably be Democrat. I think I like
Credence Clearwater Revival. I like some of the bands songs, especially the
one with the chorus that goes have you ever seen the rain. I love that song!
Ive heard a lot about the British invasion that happened during the 60s.

I suppose that when Im evaluating my own personal work, Ill have to

ask the eternal question, What is it that separates me from everyone else as
far as creativity and talent are concerned. I have to do things that separate
me from all the rest and make myself unique.

When you write a book, you dont sit down to write a bestseller or a book
that will get critical praise for the rest of eternity. What you sit down to write
is a book, and a good one at that. Nothing more, nothing less. Thats my goal
anyways. Whatever happens, happens and theres not much that you can do
about how successful it is and how well it does. Thats up to the public and
the audience.

Im finally getting my teeth pulled. Theyre getting pulled tomorrow. Im

probably going to need most of the weekend to rest and recover, so I might
not be at the drawing board or typewriter for two or three days. Ive searched
far and wide in all the bookstores and libraries around the area of Florida
that I live in and I can honestly say that I dont think there are any specific
written fiction books out there like the kind of fiction that Im planning on
writing. Ill take all the qualities that I like about my favorite books and
particular writers, and combine them into one big thing. Maybe Ill start
going by the name J.M. Alberts, instead of just Joey Alberts all the time. Im
always reading one thing or another. Thats for certain. But then again, I
have to. Im a writer. Writers do that sort of thing.

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Tomorrow morning Im going to the oral surgeon to have surgery done on

my teeth to get my wisdom teeth pulled, but fortunately Ill be under some
type of sedation while theyre cutting my fucking gums open and pulling out
my new found teeth. I can barely believe that Im actually on medication,
but now Im being sedated by surgeons as well. I realize that Im a very
bizarre individual. I just saw another new book at the bookstore that Id like
to check out called Little Green Men, about a politician that gets abducted
by aliens. Hell yeah! Thats my kind of book, baby! The weirder the better.
Japanimation is the nark term for Japanese animation. Its supposed to be
called anime, which is the Japanese word for comic book. I guess you
could say Im a geek keeping it real up in the field, awight??!!!! Satan is a
republican, Santa Clause is Jewish, and aliens are living next door. Welcome
to the extremely weird and bizarre world inside the mind of J.M. Strebler.
Some people would probably ask me J.M. If you dont use any illegal
drugs, than how do you come up with such bizarre ideas? The truth, my
friend is creative intelligence. Some people have it. Some people dont, and I
just happen to have it.

Its morning. The morning of the day that Im getting my wisdom teeth
taken out. Ill be leaving my house in about 15 minutes to have that
procedure done.

Well, about a day ago, I had the operation done on my teeth, where I was
put under sedation and they cut my gums open to remove my wisdom teeth.
The operation was relatively painless, except for a few parts, but they didnt
hurt that much. They gave me codeine as a sedative, which made me
drowsy, and it looked to me like I blacked out, but they told me my eyes
were open the entire time. After the operation when I had gauze in my
mouth, the drug that they had me on made me feel very drowsy, dizzy and
woozy even after the operation was over and they took me out in a
wheelchair to moms van. Yesterday and the early morning of today have
been complete hell. I had to lye in my parents bed the entire day eating
nothing but Jell-o, pudding and a Wendys Frosty shake. I mean they all
tasted all right, but not being able to eat solid foods or using a straw and
water bottle was not easy for me. I spent almost the entire day yesterday and
a lot of today in Mom and Dads bed, watching TV, reading, and watching
movies. Im very drowsy, today I vomited two times, each time after I tried
to eat, the back part of my mouth where my wisdom teeth used to be hurts

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quite a bit, and my left cheek is very swollen. Not only these things, but I
also barely have enough energy to do anything or move from place to place.
The good thing is that my family is spending extra time and taking extra care
of me, which is a thing that I really appreciate. Yesterday, I felt very dizzy
when I stood up, but not today, because instead of the other pain medication,
mom switched me to Advil, which didnt make me as dizzy, but I still
vomited an hour after I drank or ate the McDonalds milkshake. Ive done a
lot of sleeping in the past two days, but at least today, I eventually got
around to feeling good enough to get to this word processor. Its a Saturday
afternoon as I write this. Last night, after I slept, I woke up at midnight, went
back to sleep, woke up again three hours later at 3:00 a.m., went back to
sleep, then woke up once again another three hours later at 6:00 a.m. and
stayed up this time. Havent gone to school. Havent gone to work in the
past two days. What I have been doing is simply attempting to recover from
the procedure. Fortunately for me, Ive at least been able to get to this word
processor and type in my journal. I dont remember much about the
procedure, because the codeine has a somewhat amnesiac effect on the
people that its used on. The good news however is yet to be announced by
me in this journal. Basically there are two good things I know about. The
first one is that my birthday is going to be coming up soon, so Im beginning
to prepare myself for that. Hopefully, Ill be fully recovered by the time the
calendar reaches November 17th.

Heres some words that sum up whats been going through my mind in the
past couple days. There are the wisdom teeth, Choi, Birthday, reading, life
drawing, animation teacher, Portfolio, and Playstation 2. Thats about it.

Now hopefully, I wont vomit anymore today, even after I eat the soup
with noodles in it. But if I do, I guess that would mean that Id have to get a
suppository, or a butt rocket, as my brother calls them, which I would prefer
to avoid entirely. One writer whos smart and knows a lot of factual
information is Dennis Miller.

Two things that Im looking forward to buying, if I buy them, are the
Playstation 2 and the Akira graphic novel re-release. Both come with rather
hefty prices, which is why Im still deciding whether or not to buy them.

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This morning, I woke up, my cheek was swelled and my gums hurt a
little, but my throat doesnt hurt anymore and all these things are nothing
major. Im just hoping that the swelling will go down by tomorrow. This
swollen cheek and lack of chewability in my mouth is really beginning to get
on my fucking nerves. My mouth feels weird and its tough to chew and eat
much of anything thats solid.

I think that once I get really good at anatomy, backgrounds, layout,

inking, perspective and proportions, than I believe that theres no limit to
what I can do artistically. I can do illustration, comic books, cartooning,
animating or all of them. I can fulfill the wildest dreams of my offbeat
imagination, which is what I dreamed of doing ever since I was in
elementary school. The problem used to be that I had a lot of ideas, but no
idea how to execute them, but now I can execute my ideas almost perfectly
if I want to, practice a lot and keep trying over and over again until I get it
right. I can draw detailed and realistic, or I can draw simplified and stylized
if I want to. It all depends on the vision that I have inside my head. And the
even better news is that my writing is beginning to follow the same route
that my drawing has been going towards. In other words, the execution of
my writing is getting a lot better. Unfortunately my mouth hurts too much
for me to practice my drawing at all, so Ill just have to settle for typing in
this journal for now and fill up a page or two. But for my drawing, I could
animate a scene if I wanted to, or I could draw a bunch of fully fleshed out
comic book pages if I wanted to. Im sure that Ill do both at one point or
another.

I do think the type of books that I want to write are really cool ones.

There are sure a lot of things left that Ive never written about in this
journal before, like a lot of news and history, but then again, Im not a
factual historic genius with a computer like brain. Im more familiar with
modern topics that happened after I got through my childhood years. After
all, as a writer of quality, I feel its my responsibility to write about

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important topics, even if many of them are historic ones. Ill write about
modern ones as well, which are the ones I know better.

When Im old enough to drink, Ill probably try a little bit of George
Killians Irish Red (the kind my dad drinks), Budweiser, and Corona which
is a beer, imported. But I refuse to try drinking before I turn 21, which I
think is a smart thing to do. Im never going to start smoking anything,
though. I think the idea of smoking is disgusting. I dont smoke. I dont
think drinking alcohol will decrease my stability or intelligence, which is
why Ill probably try it just for a little bit when I turn 21. When I was 15, I
did experiment a little bit with Zinfandel, but then I realized what a stupid
decision I was making, so I quit experimenting immediately.

If youre a serious writer, than who needs television when you have
reading material, coffee, other drinks and a word processor. Thats my
opinion anyway. There are many artists. Theres only one J.M. There are
many writers. Theres only one J.M. There are also many directors, but of
course, theres only one J. I believe that Ive finally figured out what
separates me from everyone else out there. I think a lot differently than
everyone else. I try to take the ordinary things in my life and the thoughts in
my mind, than turn them around and make them extraordinary.

Its so very nice being back at the word processor. I cant wait until my
mouth feels better than it does now and my cheek stops swelling, so that I
can get back to the drawing board and break in the old pencils of mine once
again. I saw an excellent drawing by one of the artists who draws Dark
Minds. It was a background drawing that was very detailed and the artist
said that it took him 9 hours to draw it, but it was an excellent drawing. In
perspective and everything.

I just saw a website dedicated to a European artist named Bryan Talbot,

whos an excellent comic book artist. I saw one of his drawings and it
spurred an idea inside of my head.

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I think one of the events that have affected my generation is the columbine
shooting. It raises a lot of different issues about violence, media influence,
hatred, death, ridicule, parental supervision or lack thereof, gun control,
spirituality or lack thereof, music and safety. My personal opinion is that
there is no one singular factor that caused the shooting. I think it was a
combination of factors.

Right now, Im having trouble coming up with something new to write

about. Actually, there are probably still a lot of topics to write about out
there, like the ones I mentioned earlier in this journal entry. People shouldnt
take what they already have in front of them for granted, and that includes
me. If I get good enough at my craft, I might host an online drawing class.
Im not sure. That would take a lot of time and dedication, but Im not sure
if Ill fully have enough of either, what with me working on various creative
projects and all.

Heres a question. What kind of God creates a society full of people who
torment, rape and murder one another, all run by a corrupted government
that employs corrupted hypocritical people who end up coming to power?
But then again, What kind of American society would we be able to live in
if it was full of nothing but Atheists? I actually believe we could, if they
were all philosophers. After all, other countries have been able to evolve
from being that way, like China and Iceland, so why not America. I think if
America evolved from being an Atheist country from its very discovery,
than I believe that would be more possible and logical. An entire country
doesnt just switch its theological beliefs around in the single blink of an
eye. Most peoples personal convictions, faiths and beliefs are too strong and
cherished for them to just convert to another belief in a split second. If they
do decide to convert at all, it can take a long time to happen. This is one of
my philosophical opinions on religion.

When I have opinions on religion, I try to come from an agnostic and

Buddhist standpoint and not a theist or atheist standpoint.

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I think after all of these years of self-discovery, Ive learned that it takes a
lot more than an endless supply of material possessions to be happy. I
believe it takes a fulfillment of spirituality to be happy. You dont have to
believe in god to be successful or happy. For instance, I could have millions
of dollars, lots of awards, a legion of fans, respect from my peers, lots of
alcohol and sexual release, good looks, loads of talent, world renown,
physical perfection and no weight problems, intellectual and creative
profoundness, fame, a huge house, a family, lots of knowledge and material
possessions and in other words, I could have everything and I might still not
be happy and my life might still feel partially empty, because Im simply not
fulfilled spiritually. I think two key factors for me to be happy are a spiritual
fulfillment and a connection with my loved ones as well as success at
whatever it is that I do. Richard Gere and Matt Groening are the only real
celebrity Buddhist and Agnostic that I know anything about.

There are some questions Im pretty sure that Ill get asked later on in life
like What are your thoughts on censorship? Where do you draw the line as
far as graphic content? Do you feel responsible for the content in your
writing and stories? Do you believe in god? Do you think youre a genius?
Who are your biggest influences? What are significant events that have
happened in your lifetime? What advice do you have for breaking into the
industry? Where do you live or where did you grow up? What project are
you most proud of? Whos your favorite character that youve created? Are
you rich? Where and how do you get ideas for stories and characters? What
are your thoughts on violence and the media? What type of music, movies,
books, comic books, television shows, artists, directors and writers are your
favorites? Thats a lot of questions for just one little man.

Im trying to make this one big suspense/mystery, all while attempting to

deliver an important message about violence and media finger pointing.

A white rapper who grew up in Detroit, a novelist who grew up in and

lives in Maine, a film director who grew up in and lives in New Jersey, and a
humor columnist who grew up in and lives in Florida. Their names are
Eminem, Stephen King, Kevin Smith, and Dave Barry. The resemblance that
they all share is that none of them were born in or grew up in California or

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New York, and that they all write a lot about things that take place in their
home states. Florida actually isnt such a bad state to live in. I think deep
down, I just dont want to admit how cool this place is. I mean look at how
much inspiration and story ideas Dave Barry and Carl Hiaasen get about
Florida. The cities in Florida that I know about are Winter Park, Maitland,
Kissimmee, Tampa, Orlando and Ocoee. I came up with an idea that could
take place in a supermarket in Florida. I think it might be interesting. After
all, I do know Florida pretty well. More well than people who dont live
here.

Yesterday, I went to the West Oaks Mall, in Ocoee, with my teacher to do

some life drawing of people. I was intimidated and nervous at first to stand
up in front of the crowd and look at all the people as well as walk trough the
food court, what with me being so introverted, antisocial and all, but once I
got used to it, sat down with teach and talked at a normal volume, regardless
of what people said, if they said anything, I actually began to enjoy myself. I
actually feel like no one cared one way or another that I was out in public
looking at people and drawing them. It was fun people watching, observing
them and sketching them in quick sketches. But now I have to learn a whole
new arsenal of rules about sketching people in public. Like how people
arent going to pose for you. Most of them stand there for a couple seconds
and move, so thats why you have to take a snapshot in your head of their
body type. The only thing is that all the past rules of drawing apply, like
perspective, being three-dimensional, construction, weight and balance. I
have to remember to draw objects as well. I have to remember that my
drawings are going to suck at first, so I dont have to worry about making a
bad drawing in public. I think with the help and a little push from Phil, Ive
made a tremendous first step in overcoming my fear of being out in public
around groups of people and doing drawing in public. So people might laugh
at my bad drawings, let them laugh. Why the hell does it even bother me, if
they do? See that fat guy in the blue shirt eating pasta? You have to draw
him. See that ho sitting next to the thug? Heh, heh! Just joking, but you still
have to draw her. See that old man conversing with his fellow peers, the
women ordering food, the guy standing up and talking, and teenage girl
ordering food at the mini Taco Bell? Guess what? You have to draw them
too, whether you want to or not. Its all part of becoming a better artist, and
its a lot more convenient and less expensive than taking an anatomy
drawing class, even though you should take those too. But the thing is that I
cant be afraid to look at people when Im out in crowded places. Theres no

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harm in doing that. The worst that could happen is that they could make a
comment or look back. Why the fuck has that been such a big fucking deal
to me. Its not like theyre attacking me physically. I know its going to be
hard and intimidating at first, but after I do it for a while, Im sure Ill
become more comfortable and at ease about it. Ill be one of the artists in
Florida, California and New York whos started to do their drawing out in
the community, which is a cool idea to me. Or if Im too overwhelmed by
places like the Altamonte mall, I can always go to smaller places that have
just enough people to draw, like Borders, Books-A-Million, parks, Barnies
Caf at the supermarket, and places like these. Those are all I can think of
right now. But Im going to have to get more used to taking my portfolio and
sketchpad out with me in public. I used to be intimidated just to take it
twenty feet outside of my garage, but look at me now! I just walked around
an entire Food Court in the West Oaks mall and sketched people moving
around and staying around my teacher. Im sure that in the future Ill be able
to do it comfortably by myself, if I do it enough. The fate of the future of
society is at stake. I just have to draw what I see. Ill admit it. It is some kind
of phobia I have. But if I want to become a man as well as become more
mature, than Im going to have to confront my ultimate fear of going out in
public, but more specifically, drawing in public, but even more specifically,
doing really bad drawings of people that I see in public, but eventually the
drawings wont suck as much. I have to confront this fear, just as Im
learning to confront my fear of driving on fast and busy roads, and lovebugs.
Malls arent as bad as I think they are. Ill just think of sketching in public
more as just sort of hanging out. I think I was more scared and still am a
little bit of malls, schools and movie theatres because theyre the most
crowded places that I can think of, and Im going to admit right now that
places with a lot of people in them at one spot can make me somewhat
uncomfortable at times, but I can only get over that discomfort and fear one
way, and thats by being there. I can only work in total isolation for so long,
and thats probably not too healthy to do it too often. It probably helps to
work with other people around, even if you are an extremely introverted
person like yours truly. I wrote a lot this morning because I had a lot to say.

A lot of good things have happened to me lately, and this first step that I
took yesterday is just one of them. Another one is that the left side of my
mouth isnt feeling so stiff today, and that Im going to be going to school
later today, but Im not so sure if thats more of a bad thing than a good
thing. I actually think Im more intimidated to be around a group of average

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IQ teenagers my own age than being around a group of adults or senior

citizens.

Now that I think about it, when I was in middle school, it probably would
have been more useful to me as an artist if I were to quick sketch my
classmates instead of drawing science fiction or fantasy monsters and comic
books. But if I wasnt doing that, I probably wouldnt be as creative and
imaginative now, but Id have more raw skill, which is also valuable.

A question that I have to ask myself is that Is a person whos extremely

introverted like me teach himself to become more extroverted and sociable
in public places? Im hoping the answer is yes. Ill just have to add
extroverted onto my list which includes ambidextrous, creative, right
brained, analytical, intelligent, peaceful, spiritual, philosophical, hard
working and happy.

I just got back from going to Adventure Into Comics and Park Ave CDs. I
bought the newest issue of Animerica Extra, Neon Genesis Evangelion the
manga, and the newest Liberty Meadows, but also saw some awesome new
Todd McFarlane action figures. They were of the Akira and Tenchi series,
which I plan to buy with my birthday money. As for CDs, I bought Takako
Minekawa. I would have bought the John Lennon Imagine album, but I
didnt have enough extra cash on hand. I actually felt like I was going to cry
during the title track. It was as if Johns music or perhaps John himself had
made a direct connection with my soul. Maybe I had a religious connection
in the middle of a Winter Park CD store and didnt even know it at the time,
and that says a lot, considering Imagine is an album thats more than twenty
years old. Im sure Ill buy that John Lennon Album with my birthday
money later as well. I however believe that Ive done enough spending for
now and for the next couple months. And Im not even rich.

This election between George W. Bush and Al Gore has been extremely
close, and now that it seems as if George W. Bush has won, theyre suing
the government for a recount. For now I believe I finally have enough food

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on my platter, too much if I do say so myself, which means I have about ten
too many things for one person to do, and that includes my career goals

When I work in any medium of entertainment, my only true goal is to

entertain people and maybe enlighten them some, but one way or another, at
least give them their moneys worth, and hopefully demonstrate a little bit of
my talent, creativity and originality along the way.

I suppose you could say that I do know the stereotype luxury best. You
know the kind. Having tons of money, expensive cars and a mansion. I dont
know whether Ill be affluent when Im older or not, but I have a gut feeling
that theres a good chance that I might, so Im hoping. Sometimes thats the
only thing you can do is hope or pray, if youre religious, but you know
damn well you have no control over what happens. Other times you have a
huge opportunity to do something spectacular with your life. Thats what I
do most of the time, because actually, most of the time I do have a choice
about how hard I can work, and deep down I know it. Sex is definitely
overrated, but so is alcohol. I would like to study photography one day, but
the same goes for a lot of things. I love reading Rolling Stone. It has the
hipness of a Kevin Smith film, the depth of a fictitious novel, and the topical
consciousness of the news all rolled into one. But above all the articles and
interviews are intelligent, which is what I love about reading and writing.
Thats the disadvantage with me. Ive almost written four pages in this
journal, but I havent written any fiction in a long time and Im barely drawn
shit for today. I cant wallow in self-pity, though. Ill just have to learn from
my mistakes, so that I the student may one day become the teacher, or better
yet, the all knowing philosopher or theologian. Speaking of philosophy, as
far as I know, the only true way that philosophers make a decent living is by
also being writers and writing books about their philosophies. So in other
words, philosophers, even ones with scholarships, dont get paid to think.
They actually get paid to write books and whatnot. I dont know how I ever
got so smart to this level of intelligence or to this level of skill this early, but
Im going to do my best to keep improving and to keep up the good work. I
do work very hard after all. Its probably from all the reading I do. So that
just goes to show you. Read, write and draw every day, even if you have to
read a million books about how to do all of these things, except read, which
should come naturally, unless youre dyslexic, in which case I recommend
Hooked on Phonics. I hear it works for some people, but I never needed it,

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so hooked on phonics didnt work for me!! I guess that the way you could
describe my writing would be by saying It aint exactly Mark Twain,
Charles Dickens or Plato, but its pretty fucking good. I think another cool
idiosyncrasy is the fact that my next door neighbor Judy McCullough
doesnt go to sleep in a room without television on, because shes scared to
for some reason or another.

My jaw still hurts a lot today, but Im going to go to school anyway. I

dont have enough time to think up anything clever to write about, so Ill just
say that Ill write more after school.

In school I learned a lot about the economy today. About things like
inflation, the depression, supply, and demand, and taxes. I want to learn
more about business because in the back of my mind, I want to be a marketsavvy business person. Not necessarily a sellout, but a person who can run a
decent national business, have unconventional business methods and not
sacrifice quality and depth just so I can make my products commercial,
which means if I do run my own business I wont worship the modern
clichs of gratuitous sex, violence and curse words. I probably will use a
little of all of these things, but I wont overdo it like so many goddamned
movie and TV studios seem to love to do. Ive seen too many modern
success stories to think otherwise. I wont milk particular ideas for all
theyre worth or try to overcharge people, either. Depending on the product,
often times lower prices will make it easier on the costumer, which will
usually cause more demand. Ill do my best to retain initial creative control
over my creations as well. Good business people include Steven Spielberg,
George Lucas, Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino and Todd McFarlane. With
my company, Ill put quality, innovation, art and creativity above
commercialism. It may sound like a very stupid business move, but so far,
no ones proved that its impossible and Im willing to take some big risks,
hopefully for big gain.

As far as I know, there are three kinds of people in creative business.

Theres the creative talent and staff who produce the work, theres the
business people who focus on legal aspects, produce and promote the work
of the creative staff, and there are the people who are a combination of both,

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or half and half who maintain both the creative and business aspects of the
idea or project. I plan to try to be the third type of person I mentioned. Im
not sure if Id be happy just being one or the other. In my opinion, for me
that could be very limiting, unchallenging and unenjoyable, unless Im just
doing the creative work. Like if I do an independent comic book and have it
published by someone else or even self publish it, than of course Im doing
that just for me and not for the money. Actually, I dont do any of my
creative work specifically for the money. I dont know if Ill ever run a
franchise, but I might run a business and employ people one day, after I
break into the business at all, that is.

In a single week Ive gone from recovering surgeon patient to philosopher

to artist to writer to business person. I have to do some drawing after my
writing as well, so I dont fall behind on my artistic skill level and that its at
its full potential. Damn, I hope that book I did illustrations for gets printed
soon!!!

Im waiting for a lot of things, but my jaws healing and the book are just
two of the things. I havent even read my last journal file yet. Fortunately
theres a three day weekend starting tomorrow, so Ill just cross my fingers
and hope that I dont become lazy once again. Writing four pages in this
journal in one day IS lazy to me because Im not moving as well as getting
any reading or drawing done. Most of the time Im writing without a certain
purpose or direction. Im simply writing for the sake of writing. I honestly
think a soundtrack composed by John Williams or Danny Elfman could go
good with just about any movie. No watching television or reading tonight
until I finish at least a decent amount of drawing, and that means more than
just ten or twenty minutes, damn it! I like to get out of the house, too either
sketch things or take a break from working at home and hopefully get ideas
when Im walking around or traveling in the car, but now is definitely not
one of those times. I did that exact thing yesterday when I went to Park Ave.
CDs and the comic book store.

I believe Im more right brained than left brained. I think I have a pretty
high creative, verbal and visual I.Q. My left brained side is not the best, and
after watching Battle of the Child Geniuses on Fox, Ive verified my theory.

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However I did read three books for enjoyment during my extra time at
school today. The Dictionary, The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe, and my
Economics textbook. I think I actually sometimes enjoy learning about our
nations economy. I may not be smart in the Square root of 56+A sense,
but Im smart in the Hypocrisy and mundane ideology lies rampant in our
nations political figures kind of sense, and other such theories. What is
fascism? Just what the hell is communism? Im still pondering these
questions. In a way, I am kind of striving to become some sort of super
human whos evolved to a higher and more complex plain of thought, but I
dont know if thatll ever happen. Its good in theory, but Im not sure if the
execution of my philosophy will ever come to fruition.

The goal in my writing is that even if you strip it of all its big words and
philosophical jargon, than youll still end up with something of innovation,
meaning and substance, and I think in a way Ive already reached this level.
I just have to sharpen and refine it until its really that good. Good enough
that a thinking person could die happy after reading it, although I dont
know if any writing is really that good. I know Ive read other peoples
writing that I thought was that good, so why cant my writing be also, if I
practice enough.

I keep thinking in the back of my mind when I spend hours a day writing
in this journal Stop typing, dammit! You know too much information
already. Youre too smart. Your mind is too creative, weird and out there.
Its eventually going to make you lose your mind (Just like what might have
happened to your mother), drive you crazy and have you sent away to insane
asylum, or at least give you a bad fucking migraine for which youll need at
least three Advil!!! And youre giving everyone else a headache in the
process, so just stop filling this world with your fucking wisdom already!
But I try not to panic, and put these thoughts of anxiety and self doubt aside,
so I can keep on working, regardless of whether Im too knowledgeable or
not. Ive never really stopped to think about that idea too much and to be
quite honest, I dont really want to. Im having to much fun learning
something new everyday.

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With all this knowledge, I dont know why Id want to write comedy,
considering a lot of humor writing was never meant to have intelligence, just
to make people laugh.
Still, its good that Ive been getting more sleep lately than I used to. It has
also just occurred to me that the typical public school middle class kid,
especially the typical intellectual geek is overworked, pressured,
overstressed, sleep deprived, isolated and ridiculed, whether theyre at
school or at home, because of work and homework. I think the key is not
letting it all get to you too much, focusing in on the good and finding some
kind of an escapism from your problems, whether its reading, writing,
drawing, playing videogames, listening to music, playing videogame,
meditating or sleeping. I find that all of the above helps. But I hate the idea
of kids turning to sex, drugs and alcohol to attempt to solve their problems.
If you can survive high school, you can survive anything. I think if more
people in this country were Buddhist, I dont believe the murder, sexual and
drug abuse rate would be as high a percentage as it is now, but now, we have
to have fifteen different branches of Christianity, which doesnt do a damn
thing to help the abusive, stress and over dominative mindset of this country.
The bible tells people in the seven deadly sins that thou shall not kill, but
it doesnt tell people how to deal with stress so that they wont want to kill.
Therefore it makes the whole thing kind of self defeating. I dont think the
answer is having more liberals in this country. I think its having more
responsibility.

Ill say this right now. Its okay to admit to someone that you talk to
yourself, masturbate and meditate, not that I do any of these things. Heh.

I think M. Night Shyamalan is a brilliant young film writer/director. He

did The Sixth Sense, and now hes about to release his second film,
Unbreakable, which I have a feeling will be set in the same paranormal
suspense style that The Sixth Sense was set in. I think its possible that he
could be the next Stephen Spielberg, except with an Alfred Hitchcock/Dean
Koontz/ Michael Chrichton sort of twist. His writing style does have a kind
of influence on mine.

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Since I have to go to work at four. I have four extra hours to do things. One
hour to write, one hour to read, one hour to draw, and one hour to do
whatever, so thats what Im doing right now during the first hour.

Ive just noticed that weirdness and intelligence have become my

trademarks. In my opinion, these two things are what Im hoping are going
to sell me, so to speak. I dont know if thats what my audience will come to
expect of me, but those are the things I love incorporating into my writing
the most, other than variety, good characters, depth and substance. Good
artwork is one thing. Good writing is another. Good directing is something
entirely different altogether.

I cant wait to work with an entire writing staff. Thats definitely going to
be enjoyable, even though I really do also enjoy working by myself. There
are still some things that I have to learn about, that I own but dont use just
quite yet, like my guitar and Corel Draw 8. I could learn how to use them if I
really put the time and effort in, but lately I just havent had the time.

My brother wonders why I write so much. He thinks that I dont have

THAT much to write about, but judging by how many pages Ive filled up, I
beg to differ, but then again, he doesnt live inside my mind, think or see
what I see. Does he?

If I were a musician, Id be one of those weirdo alternative geek pop-rock

songwriters/guitarists/singers even though I can already play drums, kind of
like Elvis Costello and Barenaked Ladies with a little John Lennon and
Elliot Smith Mixed in, armed with glasses and a funky sense of style, except
my race would be more like Sean Lennon. It would be a mix between John
Lennon and Yoko Ono, or in other words, American and Japanese. I could
incorporate some surf, lounge, industrial, punk, hip-hop and ska mixed into
some of my songs as well. But Id have to have a lot of money for studio
time as well as some backup artists. But to accomplish this goal and vision,
Id have to learn how to sing, write songs and play the guitar. Id pay special
tribute to the legends, as well as some of my past favorite bands like Primus
and They Might Be Giants.

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The trick is that if you want to fulfill some big artistic vision, you have to
study the classic artists, musicians and writers, not just the new ones,
because theyre all influenced by the classics. You also have to practice a
lot, more than other, less talented people, in actuality.

Some mixed race celebrities I know of are Sean Lennon and Mariah
Carrie, and look how beautiful and successful they are.

I think a lot of white people think that minorities are, for the most part, not
very creative or intelligible. But I disagree. Look at me. If I am a mix
between two different races, than thats so very cool. Im a mutt and Im
proud of it. No one can stereotype me because Im not a specific type. My
birth parents are somewhere, probably in Michigan, but Im not sure if Ill
ever try to track them down some day. The thing is, I dont know what race I
am, and I dont know which traits and characteristics of mine are hereditary
and non-hereditary. Sometimes I wish I could know just a few things about
my birthparents, like what type of music they like, are they creative, how old
they are, what they do for enjoyment, things like that. Knowing things like
that might make it easier for me to sleep at night, but if I meet them when I
become an adult, I might seem like a total stranger to them and they might
appear the same way to me. There are a lot of topics in my life that interest
me. This is yet another one of them. Im confused, inquisitive and innocent
with a little bit of an attitude, not much, but a little.

Ive never really thought of myself as the type of person who has much of
an effect on other peoples lives, but in a way Ive always wanted to be that
type of person. I wonder whats happened to me in the past year. Judging by
reading these journals, a lot of things. Im trying to recall a specific event,
but as of now nothing comes to mind. One thing about the past year I do
remember is that Ive been very, very ambitious. Ive set a lot of goals for
myself to try to accomplish in the next ten or twenty years, even drink beer
after I turn twenty one and have an ID. Two things Im kind of scared to do
are getting an IQ test and seek out my birthparents. Im not sure if Ill ever
do either of these things.

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Id like to be able to battle inner demons and sell books or ideas and
possibly win an award in the process, so that hopefully I can make a
comfortable living, but if I dont make an extremely comfortable living
working creatively, Im sure Ill learn to cope, as most people eventually do.
Its as if writing one or two pages in my journal only for one day isnt
challenging enough anymore. Writing four to six pages in a single day is
more challenging to me now. It used to be hard to write a page in one day,
but its definitely not anymore. Ive really made it that far. Obviously, Ive
got something special going on here, otherwise I wouldnt be writing in this
journal anymore, now would I. I honestly dont believe so. I guess its
because Im a kind of visionary. Im full of extravagant visions and
philosophies. I think its true. Im not a god. Im not a genius. Im just a
normal person. Im flawed. I also have problems, disabilities and inner
demons that Im still facing to this day. My work and weird ideas are
channeled from my anguish within. Its a kind of spiritual therapy for me.
Its been more useful to me than sex. Well maybe sex, but not love and
family. I dont know if its more enjoyable than sex, but its definitely more
useful. There are people who used to be in my life that I miss immensely.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 16

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2000

From hearing all the news stories in magazines like Rolling Stone and
Time as well as channels like CNBC, ABC, NBC, and CNN and shows like
The E! True Hollywood Story and Behind the Music, Ive learned that often
times, real life tells the best stories, but novels and comic books are always
good, too. And sometimes life stories can give inspiration for fictional
stories. Music and poems tell great stories as well. Great writing, usually like
great art, comes straight from life itself. Everyone has their own personal
story to tell, about life, about theory, about what inspires and encourages
them, about whats good and bad, and whats happened to them. Even a
schmuck like me has something to say and a story to tell. Many ordinary
everyday people have just as interesting stories to tell people as big name
celebrities do, even though many people are more willing to listen and
idolize celebrities in this country, for some strange reason.

Theres so many things in my life that Ive taken for granted that I havent
even realized that Ive been taking for granted, like the fact that I have a
family who loves me and that Im not an orphan who grew up in a foster
home in a world where it seems as if no one cares for or loves me. Im so
fortunate that I havent had to go through a divorce between my parents, or
that Ive gotten a disease, or have had to endure the grievance of multiple
deaths in my family, or that my family doesnt live on welfare and we have
to live in some run down house without any clean water or electricity, or that
Ive not gone to jail and have had to live my life as an inmate after I fully
realize the consequence of my actions and endure the ignorance and torment
of the other inmates and hypocrisy of the harsh guards who think Im
nothing more than another piece of shit criminal whos committed another
crime in the world.

I have a feeling I have at least one other series and a feature film idea in
me left that I havent come up with yet. Except the other animated series
idea would be much more adult and mature than either the fantasy idea or

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Circus Ninja. Im sure Ill eventually go through an illustration phase where

I design all the characters that I have in the back of my mind and redesign
them many times until Im pleased with their look, but this phase wont be
for a while. And after that Ill go through the parameter setting and
scriptwriting phase.

If I created multiple series, that would be ballsy, switching formats and

styles. Many people dont have the courage to do it. Matt Groening creates
The Simpsons and Futurama, but Futurama is basically The Simpsons taken
into space and the future, even though I enjoy both of the series. And Arlene
Klasky and Gabor Csupo do all childrens series. Rocket Power, Rugrats,
The Wild Thornberries, and Ahh Real Monsters! are all basically similar,
especially in the character design department. I plan to travel the route less
taken, for some reason.

I think most ingenious creative people nowadays dont like non-creative

people all that much and feel under appreciated by their classmates and
misunderstood by their families.

Ive began to wonder if I eventually get an audience, Im making quite a

bit of money and Im in competition with other writers, will I still be able to
come up with new and weird ideas, without sugarcoating my material,
whatever that means. The trick is not worrying too much about the pressure,
realize my ideas are valuable, and just let my mind wander and remember
the ideas that Ive already thought up. I also must remember that even once I
do start making some decent money, I have to do my best to stay the same
old Joey and not become some pompous greed-hungry rock star. Why do I
do everything? Write books, create television series and comic books,
illustrate, direct movies. Its all about trying new things and creative
expression, baby!! I would also like to think that money would be a
motivator for me to have fun and enjoy myself doing what I do best.

Limited animation!? What the hell does that mean?! Heh. Just kidding. I
know that term oh too fucking well. I dont know if Ill ever raise the level
of quality for novels, comic books, animation, and movies, but I would

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certainly be having a lot of fun and enjoying myself. I already am now,

actually.

Earlier today I went to Borders, sat at a table, drank a Yoohoo, just

relaxed and sketched people for about forty five minutes while my mother
waited in the car, and all I can say is Wow, that was quite enjoyable. I
actually walked away from Borders with a couple damn good drawings to
show Phil tomorrow. Ill have to go to cafs in bookstores more often to
sketch people, especially people in motion. After I got home, I also worked
on the 11 x 17 piece of paper that Im most likely, from the way it looks
so far, going to be putting into my portfolio. Im going to color the
background grey with my pencil to add to the atmosphere. I have a long way
to go until I become really proficient at drawing anatomy without using too
much reference material, I think Im almost half way to being able to draw
with out boatloads of reference material. I plan to and cant wait to go out
and sketch people again, only next time Id probably do it for an entire hour
or two. I dont think my problem is lack of knowledge for my drawing
anymore. I think its simply lack of patience to spend more than just an hour
drawing, and from now on Im going to take my sketchpad everywhere with
me, so that if I get an idea, my sketchpad will be near enough for me to jot
down a rough idea or a couple rough ideas, so that I can get that pathos,
spontaneity and looseness into my drawings and keep it that way. My faces,
speed and human heads still need a lot of work, though, but that doesnt
surprise me. I cant be afraid to spend nine hours or more on one drawing,
especially a background one. More detail on clothing and objects will help
also. Im also predicting a self portrait in the near future. I dont know why.
Probably just for practice. But sometimes when your drawing, less can equal
more. What matters is does your drawing look three-dimensional, have good
composition and does it tell a story. My drawings dont include all of these
things yet, but they will. Im just going to keep practicing, even after they
do. I can never do enough gesture or contour drawings. Im never going to
be a superstar artist, but if I just become a very decent artist, thatll be all
right with me.

I already am beginning to develop some fond memories of where I grew

up in this town. Im also probably going to be getting into drawing scenery
and backgrounds sooner or later, but first Im going to celebrate my
birthday. From now on, drawing comes before writing, though. I know that

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right now it sounds weird and tough to do, but Ill eventually adjust and get
more used to it. Its human nature to adjust to different situations. There are
valuable things I can learn from being an animator, and there are also
entirely different invaluable things I can learn from being a comic book
artist. I learn to see realistically first, and after I get really good at that, I can
go into stylization and things like that. But you have to learn the basics
before you learn to do all the tricks. Thats the way it is plain and simple,
otherwise youre going to get really stuck at some point. Im not ready to
make a voice yet. Im simply ready to attempt to make a visional perception
of myself. When I create a story, especially when Im giving specific visual
information to people, I want to be able to create some sort of an
atmosphere, or ambiance for people to become enveloped in. That kind of
shit is very powerful if you do it the right way.

It appears Im getting writers block right now. Therere so many artists

that Im influenced and inspired by.

If I do work on any particular project, Id want the people who saw or

read it to at least think that the writing or directing is excellent, if not the
visual style. Comic books, anime, fantasy novels, the internet and CDs are
the only essentials in my life as far as entertainment is concerned.
Everything else in my life Id be perfectly happy to do without. I own the
John Lennon Imagine CD now, and Im a better person for it. Im enjoying it
immensely and Im listening to it right now.

If you have a comic book or movie with a cult following, I wonder what
exactly that would mean. I mean, I get the idea, but my mind goes a little
fuzzy when I try to think of the exact definition. Usually its just Indy things
that get a cult following, like Clerks, Pulp Fiction, JtHM, The Blair Witch
Project, and Milk and Cheese, but there are mainstream things like Toonami,
Akira, Ghost in the Shell, and Harry Potter. I love all of these things of
course. I like those types of things that feel as if they were drawn and written
for the type of person that you are and youre the only one that knows about
it, with the exception of people on the internet. I guess you could say that
thats basically what a cult following is like. And when you find another
person thats heard of it, its an amazing feeling.

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The Strangers in Paradise Website, has received over 700,000 visits from
what the counter says at the bottom of the page. Thats a very impressive
number. I didnt think black and white comics, even ones that get featured in
Wizard Magazine, like Bone, SIP, Milk & Cheese, and JtHM have over
600,000 readers, but I guess apparently so if a website alone has gotten over
700,000 hits. I guess theres hope for my ideas yet. If I just had a hundred
thousand readers, Id be happy with just that amount of an audience. Its
good to know that there are more than a million comic book readers in the
US.

When is the western culture, especially the United States, going to wake
up to the fact that you dont have to use drugs to come up with weird ideas
and expand your mind? Im trying to breech intellectual, religious, mental,
racial, commercial and sexual gaps between people and countries. I really do
want to unite the world and different countries. Thats why I want to one day
visit Europe, Asia, Canada, Ireland, Australia, and other countries, so that I
can get an idea of what the cultures like. The question is Do other
countries respect America and like to follow its lead. The truth is that even
though I dont do drugs or smoke marijuana, a lot of western culture accepts
soft drug use as commonplace. Other western countries are more laid back
about it. They still, for the majority are against it, but some are more laid
back about it than others, same goes for Buddhism, Judaism, meditation and
Atheism. I guess that just means Ill have to start taking after Eastern
worldly culture more often.

I guess you could say that Im good in theory, but not so good in
execution. After all, how many different languages has my work been
translated into and how many copies of whatever have I sold? The answer to
both these questions is none, except one.

Im a much more laid back person than many other people in this town.
Im beginning to accept weird and bizarre as normal. I dont worry about
things getting too weird. I think the word weird or weirdo is a
judgmental label that regular people use to put a term on things they feel

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uncomfortable with or dont understand. I think if a person was really

strange, they wouldnt spend anytime doing normal things. Theyd walk,
talk, eat and sleep in an irregular manner. Im going to try to do more far-out
illustrations like the one I did parodying the cigarette ad with the smoke lady
coming out of the hippy guys cigarette. Ive already come up with some
bizarre characters like Circus Ninja and the guy with the lampshade for a
head holding the sledgehammer.

Im not sure if I really want to be compared to the legends of the fields I

work in. There are three things Ill never be. Ill never be a perfect artist, Ill
never be a perfect writer, and Ill never be at the same level as the legends
like Burne Hogarth, Stephen King, Norman Rockwell, Glen Keane, and Dr.
Seuss. But I suppose the truth is out there, and its never say never.

Thank goodness theres good comic book stores or anime retailers like FYE,
Sci-Fi City and Adventure Into Comics, and bookstores like Borders and
Books-A-Million. Luckily, theres also good collectable and tee shirt online
retailers like www.hottopic.com and www.fandom.com. And for more bizarre
interests, like my J-Pop fascination, I can go to J-Fan.com and CD Japan,
and for collectors items and hard to find items, I go to eBay and
Amazon.com.

I didnt get a check today, though, but that may be because I didnt work last
week. Im not sure. I bought a new comic book today by a new artistic
favorite of mine, Pat Lee, called War Lands.

My artistic performance isnt the best in the world, but its good to know
that Im getting to a level where I can look at art like fan art or even a lot of
published art, and point out the flaws in the drawings, like lack of
composition, dynamics, storytelling, perspective, proportion, anatomy, or
atmosphere. The good thing about this is that I can do this to my drawings as
well, and point out where I need improving. I definitely need a lot of work in
the quick sketch and background drafting areas as well as inking and
composition. I make plenty of sucky drawings myself, which means Im not
perfect, but I made a drawing of a hand in class today, and have shown

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myself that my spontaneous draftsmanship skills are getting a lot better. I

would like to do a full illustration the way I did that hand drawing. If I think
someone elses drawing isnt very good, Ill usually keep to myself and
wont say thats terrible. My method of critique is by pointing out the
strengths first, and then pointing out where I feel the drawing needs work or
could use improving based on my personal tastes. I feel every artist has their
own personal vision of what they want their style to look like, and I have
just recently found out that that way of approaching drawing can be very
limiting and can stop room for improvement. A person doesnt know what
their drawing style is going to be until theyve constantly been practicing for
many years and have a decent natural approach to drawing the right way.
Im always reinventing myself, which probably is what my true style is.
Right now, fuck all that abstractness, hatching and cross hatching shit. Ill
get that later after I learn to see and draw people, animals and objects
properly and in 3-D, and after that all the stylization and rendering should
come a lot more easily. I think its possible that the Japanese use technical
methods very similar to the American approach. Now their visual styles may
be different, but their technical approach is probably very similar to the way
American animation and comic books are done.

I guess I still appreciate Jhonen Vasquezs, Jim Mahfoods, and Evan

Dorkins drawings styles, sometimes. I like some of the abstract full pagers
that Jhonen draws, but his perspective, detail and anatomy aint the best.
Mahfoods got a little bit more detail, but hes still lacking in the anatomy,
perspective and composition department, although the thing that I respect
about this style is that hes taken the Street, flyer, or graphitti artist
thing and turned it into an entire comic book style. The term I like to use for
him is Funky abstract urban artist and theres something about that aspect
of his artwork that I can respect, even though he probably doesnt spend as
much time at the drawing desk as the Marvel and DC artists do, and he
probably picked his ability entirely up off the street. And as for Evan
Dorkin, while he falls into the same anatomy and composition traps that JV
and Mahfood fall into and I must say Im not exactly a big fan of his artwork
in the issue of Dork that I own, I must say that his use of hatching and crosshatching in the issue of Hectic Planet more than makes up for his lack of
good artwork in Dork and sometimes in Milk and Cheese. Milk and Cheese
seems to be a combination of Hectic Planet and Dork. Now Im going to say
flat out that all three of them are probably hacks, even if they all are very
successful, well know and respected hacks in the comic book industry who

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are the original artists that got me into comic books seriously in the first
place. But like many artists, they all have their advantages and
disadvantages. As for artistic influence, I think Ill stick to fine art, manga,
some mainstreams, quality self-published comic books like Bone, Liberty
Meadows and Strangers in Paradise, and the master legends of the past like
John Buscema, Joe Kubert, Burne Hogarth, Will Eisner and R. Crumb. Since
Im at this level of artistry, all I have to do now is practice my little heart out
and pray that I dont get arthritis.

As for the reason why Im going to do animation and comic books. Its
either because Im too damn talented to be confined to just one medium or
because I dont have any solid career focus, depending on your opinion.

If you want to be a really good artist, than read art books, practice, get as
much critique as you can, draw from life, and go to an art college. Thats the
advice I can give to other artists.

Since I spent last night tearing apart my past favorite artists drawing
styles, I feel very guilty. I used to idolize them, but now I call them what
they are, and thats hacks. Other artists Im not so sure of are Todd
McFarlane, Greg Capullo, Ralph Steadman, Marc Hempel, John Bean
Hastings, and Roman Dirge. I have to speak the truth, though, and thats no
lie, so thats exactly what I did.

I have some serious reading and drawing to do tonight. Im going to work

on that portfolio piece and read Sick Puppy, some comic books as well as
that C.S. Lewis book, but before I do all of these things, Im going to have to
fill up a page in this journal for today like usual.

The place I was born in is Michigan. The year I was born in is 1983, and
Im going to be turning 17 years old in less than two days. There are a lot of
things that happened when I was young and growing up in preschool,
kindergarten, elementary and middle school. There are certain things I
remember from being very young. Id like to learn more about what

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happened to my parents in their lifetime, in their families. My adoptive

parents are from Boston, Michigan and Illinois. Theyve also been to
Canada, or Toronto. I think my generation has been more separated than
brought together.

Today at school, during PE when I was at the park, I decided that Im sick
of being a loner and want to have a life, so I think I interacted with my
classmates a little bit more than usual. I kind of want to have a life and
friends. Im going to try to get back in touch with Johnny Bartlett and Chris
Hess. The only place where I get to interact and socialize with other kids is
at my school. I have some of the same kind of teenage problems that other
teenagers have, with the exception of being more introverted and less
socially graceful. I need more inspiration than I already have for my writing,
which is probably why I want to have a better and somewhat more normal
life than I have had. I doubt Ill ever really be the voice of a generation. Im
too intellectual, self destructive and creative to be that, unfortunately. The
truth is that Im rarely out of Florida, so of course I havent seen very many
other states and countries yet.

I find it quite hard to believe that the 90s are already done and gone. Now
were into the first ten years of the year 2000, so I guess Id better adjust so
that I can sit back and enjoy the first ten year of the new millennium so that
hopefully it wont seem to go by too fast like the 90s and 80s. I honestly
dont remember much about our culture during the 80s. I was very young
and stupid back then, so I didnt give a fuck what was happening in society
or the news, but I wish I would have been more aware of it so that Id have
more to remember. Its not like I can go back in time and relive the moment,
although I would certainly want to if I could. The good news, however is
that Ive reached a new level of wisdom, knowledge and creativity. I dont
know if Ill ever write an autobiography. My early childhood years seem
very fuzzy to me, but my teenage and early adult years have become more
and more clear to me, especially after I started keeping journals, so if I
forget about something that happened to me in the past two years, Ill just
read my journals. I would certainly like to get interviewed a lot. I feel I have
a lot of things to talk about that pertain to my theories and work as well as
work ethic, although Im sure Ill get asked the same questions over and
over again by talk show hosts, fans and magazines. I dont know if Ill ever
use a pseudonym. I think at the age of 15, and even recently, Ive gone

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through a sort of identity crisis. I wasnt sure who I was. I felt beside myself
in a way. Im not sure if Im comfortable with the idea of being in the eye of
the public. I mean, I probably prefer to just go into studios, do my things and
collect my paycheck every week or month and just be able to live my life
privately. I think Id be more comfortable with a life like that.

I was just watching the animated short of Dr. Suess How the Grinch Stole
Christmas on Cartoon Network, and its amazing how the film has stood the
test of time. I think its a tradition to play How the Grinch Stole Christmas
on television when Christmas time comes near, just as its a tradition to air
Its a Wonderful Life, A Charlie Brown Christmas, and A Christmas Story all
around Christmas time in television marathons. Ive always been a big fan of
Dr. Seuss. The Grinch, The Cat In the Hat, The Sneetches. I like all of these
characters he created and more. Henry Sellick, Tim Burton, Walt Disney,
and Chuck Jones all kind of create a magic in their art and animation.
Creating atmospheres and magic takes a lot of hard work, genius and talent.

I would like to one day join the fraternity of published artists and writers.
I dont know exactly what my main style will look like yet, but Im excited
to find out. I wont know until I develop my inking, penciling, anatomy,
perspective, proportions, construction and composition, but Im starting to
get an idea. I think after I get used to working in animation for a while, my
draftsmanship skills will begin to become a lot better, and by then hopefully
Ill have the composition skills for comic books. I like to spend a lot of extra
time shading, inking, rough sketching and measuring proportions. All the
professional artists a start out rough and loose, as well as go over many pose
and camera angle revisions before their satisfied. Ill be no exception. Im
really itching to do a detailed character sketch, wearing clothes and holding
objects in a good pose thats fully inked. Things like that. I think Im already
getting better at drawing parts of the body off the top of my head because
Ive been drawing actual people. Especially my hands. Ive gotten a lot
better at drawing hands. Now on to feet, heads, legs, arms, midsections, hair,
clothing and faces. I think Ill work on feet and heads next. Im trying to get
more proficient at drawing different sized heads in different views, but Im
having a little bit of trouble. Theres only one way to fix this flaw. Practice,
which probably means Im going to have to measure proportions, use
anatomy books for reference, as well as draw lots of actually portraits, and
maybe even a self-portrait of two. One part that particularly challenges me

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also is drawing a persons torso in different poses and angles. The ones Ive
tried to do on my own have ended up sucking in one way or another, but Ill
just practice twice as hard until it gets a lot easier, and of course it will, if I
work at it.

Its the day before my birthday and Im going to lessons tonight. This is
peculiar, because earlier today my brother got a birthday card that actually
turned out to be a card for me with a check in it that had my brothers name
written on it. My grandmother always has gotten me and my brothers names
mixed up more and more recently. I also watched Frequency earlier, and I
like the idea behind the movie, but I felt that the plot was pretty weak. I
mean it was suspenseful, but the plot was pretty bland.
Its my birthday today, but I kept the birthday thing a secret at school, so
only two teachers said happy birthday, but that doesnt bother me. This
morning I received my first birthday present from mom and dad, and it was a
book I asked for called How to Draw Manga: Volume One, and my
second present, from Andy, a Beastie Boys CD called Pauls Boutique. Im
waiting until tonight when dad gets home around 10:00 oclock so that I can
open the rest of my presents and eat the cake mom and dad made me.
Yesterday when I went to lessons with Phil, him and Christine gave me a
surprise birthday party, where I got a huge chocolate cake, a lot of books on
Art Directors and directories which will probably make for a lot of good
ideas and inspiration, and I also receive a plastic skull to study and draw so
itll help me learn how to draw the human head. The skulls name is
Norman, which is a name that Phil and Christine gave it, by the way. Phil
said that the piece that Im currently working on is definitely going to be a
portfolio piece, which relieves me greatly.

I think some of the careers that involve visual genius as a prerequisite, at

least in my book, are advertising art directors, magazine illustration artist or
photographer, music video director, and television commercial director,
simply because all of these things are so creative, intelligent and abstract as
well as inspired. I might be in one of these professions one day. Two things
Im sure Ill be drawing one day now are Manga and abstract commercial
illustration, but the Manga will be in black and white and the illustration will
probably mostly be in color, whether I use colored pencil, pastel, paint, or
Photoshop.

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Im now officially 17 years old, and it feels really, really good.

The night before last, I remember watching an animated Tom and Jerry
short classic directed by Chuck Jones, and I thought for how old the damn
thing was, it was amazing how well animated and directed it was. Tom and
Jerry really got squashed and stretched to the extreme and the characters also
showed weight, balance, and pathos. The truly amazing thing I noticed about
the cartoon was that it used barely any words, if any, and over all I dont
think it actually used any real words at all. It didnt use clever writing or
dialogue as a crutch to fall back on like many modern cartoons do, even
though the writing was clever. My point, however, is that I saw a charm in
that Tom & Jerry cartoon as well as in How the Grinch Stole Christmas that
I just dont see as much in modern American cartoons. They arent taken to
the extreme like the classics are. Theres an amazing ingenuity, that went
into these cartoons, that just cant be found in many other mediums. Ill have
to take note of this when Im directing animation, if thats what I end up
doing. Sure Ill still have an anime and comic book-like influence at times,
but Im also going to include a classical influence like Ren & Stimpy did,
except Ill do it just a little bit different than John Kricfalusi did and still
does. Obviously hes very inspired by classical animation also. Hey, Ill
admit it, the idea of resurrecting and entire medium, no matter which
medium it is, from the ashes is definitely encouraging, but it can seem
intimidating if you think about it that specific way too much. You cant
think of it as such a big thing, because you dont know how much of an
influence or impact youll make until it actually happens, and thats the
fucking way it is, no matter whether you like it or not. People who work in
such industries must never forget about or ignore the classics.

I think Ill probably eventually make a living doing what I love doing, but
do I think that anything I write, draw, or direct will top sales charts? I
seriously doubt it, I really do. And I think thats because Ive matured,
grown out of the self denial phase, and Im not thinking too much about how
much I want to make it really big. I dont expect to anymore. All I expect to
do is enjoy myself and have a good time. Im not setting out to top sales
charts and become rich as well as respected and famous. Im just out to

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make an alright living, live my life and have fun as well as innovate and
enlighten along the way. The harder I try to do what I do for the money and
fame, the less money and fame Ill get, even though I wont get it anyway.

Still waiting for dad to get home. Must open presents soon. Will die from
suspense if I wait too long, so my father must hurry his ass up. Its 8:47 p.m.
right now, by the way, and dad doesnt get off of work until 10:00 p.m.. And
to think I have to work tomorrow in the early afternoon all day. Sometimes I
wonder how I manage so well and dont crack under the pressure. Its
probably from all the meditation Ive done in the past, the drawing desk and
this word processor.
Im the root of all thats evilIn a metaphorical sense, of course. I find
myself very inspired by the Beatles, their music, and the time period they
came from. In a way they were the story of a generation. Even a bizarre
generation Xer like me has been able to find some real meaning, truth and
clarity in the Beatles music, especially the songs of John Lennon, as tragic as
his death was. TRL is the new American Bandstand, Tom Green is the
modern day Andy Kaufman, and Trent Reznor is the Edgar Allen Poe of
Generation-X. I dont know what Im a Gen X version of. Maybe I will one
day.

November 2000

I finally got the rest of my presents last night. I got two books. One was
The Tarzan Chronicles and the other was the Stephen King book on
writing. I have a pretty bad memory. Ive forgotten about a lot of things that
happened in my childhood, and then art and writing happened. Now I spend
most of my time working, whether its my day job, school, drawing, or
writing, Ive been spending most of my time working.
I think I know what type of people I might entertain. Atheists, agnostics,
Christians, Buddhists, Jews, geeks, non-conformists, hip people, music fans,
indie comic book fans, anime fans, manga fans, Indy supporters, mainstream
comic book fans, art fanatics, literary critics, other people working in the
same industries as I am, intellectuals, and just plain regular people with

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normal lives, as well as people of all different races, nationalities and sexes.
To be honest, I hope my work attracts a wide array of people.

Have you heard of that guy named J.M. Strebler? You know. Huge in
Europe from what I hear Heh,

Some of my favorite modern writers are Dennis Miller, Dave Barry, Chris
Carter, Stephen King, Carl Hiaasen, the Monty Python writing staff, Neil
Gaiman, Alan Moore, Garth Ennis, Will Eisner, Jhonen Vasquez, Charles
M. Schulz, Stan Lee, J.K. Rowling, Nick Hornby, Terry Moore, Kevin
Smith, Quentin Tarantino, Jerry Seinfeld, some Rolling Stone writers, John
Lennon, Trent Reznor, Paul Dini, and M. Night Shyamalan. And I havent
even said any of my favorite classic writers. Ill have to make a note to study
all of these writers and see what makes them so good.

Whoa. I just read that M. Night Shyamalan got paid $6 million dollars up
front in total ($3 million dollars for the screenplay, and $3 million dollars to
direct) for The Sixth Sense. Thats not counting royalties from how much the
movie grossed ($700 million, or more than three quarters of a billion dollars,
worldwide). Thats a whole hell of a lot of money! I wish I made that kind of
money. The bastards making me jealous, even if I do have the utmost
respect for his writing and directing abilities. And since hes an IndianAmerican, he gets asked by a lot of people to come and speak on behalf of
his entire race. Hes gotten nominated for an academy award as Best
Director, Best Film, and Best Screenplay, among other things, as well as
approached by Steven Spielberg to write the next Indiana Jones Movie. All I
can say is Wow. that just goes to show you the power of movies. From
reading the Rolling Stone article about him, Ive learn that part of winning
an Oscar probably involves favors, campaigning, and good politics.

As for me, I dont have one singular primary objective, except to be

successful at what I put my mind to as well as make a living, have fun, and
do what strikes me at the moment, all while not giving up on any particular
medium that Ive begun working on.

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I guess, technically, Im an agnostic that lives and adheres to the Buddhist

beliefs and conducts. Desire leads to suffering, meditation leads to peace of
mind and enlightenment, enlightenment and self restraint lead to Nirvana
and therefore rebirth into another life of suffering will not happen if Nirvana
is achieved. I think everyones definition of the term Spiritual Apex is a
little bit different, just as the definition of God is probably different to
certain people. I dont believe in god in the physical living being sense. I
think of god as a metaphor and representation of happiness, not some white
bearded deity who grants prayers and tells people how to live and dominates
their life. If were talking about God as a metaphorical representation of
what true happiness and love is, than yes I do believe in god, but I believe in
the gods in actuality. That may sound a bit confusing to people who believe
in the conservative and non-liberal version of religion, but its what I
believe.

Im never going to meet any of my heroes like Shyamalan, Groening,

Lennon, King, or Spielberg, but I dont really mind. Honest. My real heroes
are the decent people that I know personally, anyway as far as moral conduct
goes. Speaking of Spielberg, when the hell is he going to direct another
movie? Maybe hes just taking a break, or very busy running his company,
Dreamworks.

Two of the best songs Ive ever heard in my life are Imagine by John
Lennon and Were In This Together by Nine Inch Nails. A lot of John
Williamss scores are very good, as well.

I think Jimmy Pop Ali said it best when he sang I hate killing people
cause I hate to keep score.

After I finish the Hippy/Smoke illustration, my primary focus is going to

shift from drawing a detailed drawing to drawing a ton, and I seriously mean
a ton, of quick sketches of people I see in public, probably stationary at first,
but after I get to what I think is a decent level of skill, Ill do a lot of quick
sketches of people and animals in motion, which is what CalArts specifically

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states that they want to see a lot of, so thats what Im determined to show
them quality work of as well as a variety of other things. Im foreseeing a lot
of contours in my near future for good practice, as well as a lot of drawings
out of anatomy books.

When and if I become a professional filmmaker, Ill definitely start out by

storyboarding each scene from my movies first, and like M. Night Believes,
if I get good enough at directing with storyboards, I might try to improvise
along the way and do parts of scenes spontaneously, with out storyboards for
that particular part, in order to accommodate the spontaneity of a visual idea.
I would like to write and compose a hip-hop song at one point in my life. I
dont know why. Id just like to. But you need two things to do that. Flow
and a very good keyboard as well as recording studio to mix beats.

Im going to study that writing book by Stephen King religiously, so that

hopefully Ill attain some new insights on writing fiction and novels that I
didnt have before. Actually, I got some just by skimming through and
reading one or two paragraphs. If any extremely successful author were to
teach how to approach writing fiction well, Id believe Stephen King would
be the one who could do it, and thats not just because Im a big fan of his
writing style.

In the entertainment, as far as I think, its not about how many people
know your name, how many fans you have, how high you place on the sales
charts, how many millions of dollars you make, or how many awards youve
won. I feel that its more about how much your own work makes you and
other peoples lives more enjoyable, and how important of a message you
can convey at times, as well as how well you know your craft. I however,
dont feel that my future styles will be significant enough for anybody to
want to copy them. I might be a visionary and I might not, but if someones
going to attempt to model their work after my style, if they did it well I dont
think Id mind as much than if they did it terribly, because thats a very little
amount of substance were talking about if they didnt do it well, so no ones
really benefiting, except maybe the people that are making money off of it.

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I think its true, even though I didnt use to like to admit it. Disney, despite
the fact of how commercial it is, truly does hire some of the best animators
and all around artists in the world. Even some of the creative talent Disney
hired who didnt stay as faithful to the company as the lead animators and
artists still went off into the world and did outstanding things, like the
Creators of Spygroove and Concrete, Peter Chung, Tim Burton, and Don
Bluth. Theyve all worked for Walt Disney Feature animation at one point,
and theyve made incredible impacts in the other fields theyve worked in.
Some of them have become auteurs, so to speak. And the Disney Feature
Animation writers aint too bad, either.
I also cant help but respect the fact that Chuck Jones opened a fantastic
door for the quality of television animation making limited Full in a
certain respect, but unfortunately, not everyone has gone through it. I
however, want to follow in Mr. Joness footsteps and try to go through the
door of good animation as best as I can, should I ever go into television
animation. Im going to treat story, dialogue and animation all with the
utmost importance and equal dedication.

I have a ton of very eclectic and innovative ideas and visions, but what
separates me from all the other wannabes is that Im willing to study and
execute my crafts, or get my crafts down first and learn as much as I can
about everything before I try to execute my visions and ideas to their full
extent. You have to learn how to ride and balance the skateboard before you
can do all the cool tricks thirty feet off of the ground, if you know what I
mean. After all, the ultimate misfortune is when theory outstrips
performance. It would do me good to know that quote by heart.

I worked for 9 hours today, and ate way too much food. I also got to go out
with my family for dinner to celebrate my birthday at Outback Steakhouse. I
think I know where I want to go to film school if I go into film eventually,
and its New York University or NYU. I admit that at times I do feel
insecure about my abilities, like if I end up working for Marvel or Disney
and they pay me a lot of money for my work with them. Ill wonder if my
ability is at that level yet. I dont know if it ever will, even if they do hire
me. There are artists who are a hell of a lot better at drawing than I am, and
the majority of them are probably working for Disney and in the comic book
industry for companies like Image, Marvel and also in the Manga industry. I

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think the comic book industry is more self-indulgent than the animation
industry, because its more focused on individual talents instead of a
combination of combined talents to create an anonymous feel to it. I
honestly think that most of my previous work isnt worthy of a big comic
book company, fine art or Disney, but I think its getting closer, even if I did
that Madonna drawing, but some of the proportions are off in that drawing
as well, so even that drawing could use some improving.

I also sometimes wonder if I truly deserve every dollar that I get paid for
my work and every dollar that it earns. Ive always viewed myself as a very
approachable person. I dont know if anyone will ever be afraid or
intimidated to approach me, even at signings. If guys like Jhonen Vasquez
and Evan Dorkin can get nominated for and sometimes win awards, than Im
quite sure that pretty much anybody can. Well, actually, not everybody can.
Only people with a truly unique method and vision, and I think I just might
be one of those people. I dont know if Ill ever win or get nominated for an
Oscar, Eisner, Pulitzer, or Emmy, but I wont know if I will until I see what
kind of professional level Im at, and then Im quite sure Ill be more at
liberty to judge whether I feel its award worthy or not.

Now that I think about it, I dont think Id truly want to be more famous
and legendary than my work. I want my work to be able to stand up on its
own merit. But I already know what its like to produce a little bit of quality
work. In the future, I hope to know what its like to produce a lot of quality
work.

Im taking advantage of what I know now, already and Im basically

putting it to as good of a use as I know how to make, like gestures, contours,
acting, pathos, construction, line weight, proportions and perspective as well
as composition. So, basically I have all the set pieces prepared and Im just
about ready to construct the beautiful model.

One thing Ive definitely learned is that the work usually never comes to
me. I have to go to the work and develop the skills to accomplish the work.

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I actually like the idea of a collaborative effort better than just taking credit
for everything and giving credit to no one else. Besides, its a cool way to
make new friends.

My family is so weird. My mother, father and brother are usually never

clicking with each other. One of them is always pissed off at the other for
some reason.
Each of the three books I got will benefit me in three different ways. The
Tarzan Chronicles will apply to animation, Stephen Kings On Writing will
apply to writing novels, and How to draw Manga will be useful for drawing
comic books. But for drawing comic books and animation, some of the same
rules apply to both mediums, like doing layout and keeping loose, as well as
construction lines and sketching. Weight, balance, perspective and
proportions are all important things as well. I think Im beginning to fully
understand most of these things, but I still am learning a lot about body
proportions, but Ill get more experience in that area by reading all the
anatomy books that I own. Ive always felt that proportion is the hardest
thing for me to learn out of all of them. Especially if Im working on a small
press book. All this knowledge is going to show and pay off, which might
just equal more exposure, which is always good.

I write about and draw things that I see from life, as well as from my
imagination. I know for a fact that Im already at that level to start practicing
drawing objects and backgrounds in a very realistic way. I think I also am
beginning to have a better understanding of lights and shadows, but I dont
understand them completely just yet. Same goes for composition and layout.

This sure is amazing. American popular culture is beginning to catch on in

most of the world. The Simpsons and South Park are popular in much of the
world. Understanding Comics got translated into eight different languages.
The Powerpuff Girls, HellBoy and X-Men comic books are all very popular
in Japan. All of Stephen Kings books are worldwide bestsellers. The Six
Sense and American Beauty grossed a lot of money internationally. The
Beastie Boys CDs are sold in Japan. Disney Films are popular all over the
world. Kevin Smith and Burne Hogarth both have international acclaim.

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People in Britain know who Terry Moore and Evan Dorkin are. Drawing on
the Right Side of the Brain has been translated into ten different languages.
Eminem is very popular in Europe. Garfield and Peanuts have been
translated into a lot of different languages. Movies, Television, comic books,
cartoons, Music, Novels, books. Take your pick.

I guess my point is that if you want to be known all over the world and
make millions, than you have to know your craft very well.
Im going to make a note to track down as many back issues of Top 10,
Tomorrow Stories, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and Watchmen as I
can. It took time, but now Im a huge Alan Moore freak. Ill read just about
anything that he writes. I have a thing for British writers. Alan Moore,
Warren Ellis, Monty Python, John Lennon, Neil Gaiman, and Garth Ennis,
but hes Irish, not British. Great! Just bloody great, I say!

Its a good thing I dont feel too deeply rooted in my hometown of

Casselberry Florida. Otherwise, how would I ever bare living in California
or New York for most of my adult life. Ive made a silent vow to make a lot
of money and tour the world one day. But thats not until Im successful. I
would like to visit the place I was born, Michigan, one day. But if I dont
than I suppose that would be okay.

I think Im beginning to understand why Anime is so popular over here in

the states. Its because the production quality of the animation is at such a
high level. American character designs are based more on simplicity.
Japanese character designs are a little bit more unpredictable, detailed and
complex, so its more similar to its sister medium, Manga. American
animation and comic books dont have much in common. Japanese
animation and comic books on the other hand, have a lot in common.

I went shopping today. I spent too much money, but I also finally found
that comic book store on Park Avenue, and I must say that its a hell of a lot
better than that other store on 436. No, not adventure into comics, but the
other store. Yeah, you know the one. Its nothing compared to the store on

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Park Ave and Sci-Fi City. I bought an Akira action figure, the new Green
Day CD, and a bunch of comic books. I cant even say what comics that I
bought, because I bought so many. I cant wait to get to drawing early
during tomorrow, since I have no school or work.

The truth is that Im pretty modest about my success, if I have any, and
when it comes to me, I talk modestly about it. Im so blessed by the gods,
and I thank them so much that Ill never finish thanking them, but if Im
reincarnated, Ill thank them in that life too. I need to start going back to that
writers group. I havent gone in two or three weeks, and I need to go again,
even if I havent written anything for it yet. If I dont make a huge impact on
the industry, than I wont mind that much. Im not that special of a person
anyway. All I can say is that the whole world respects America, especially
its entertainment, I have plenty of money, Ive made spiritual progress, I
have other peoples respect and admiration, I have a job, Im making
creative progress, my family loves me, Im smart, Im about to get
published, and my next door neighbor, Judy called me up saying that her
daughter thought she was sure she saw me on television, but Im not sure if
thats true. What can I say? These things have made me very happy.

One way to learn what some of the things are that make comic books great
is by reading Wizard Magazine. I dont suffer anymore. Im almost sure that
Ive been partially enlightened.

I saw a news report on Cuban art, and the art I saw looked pretty good.
Ive learned about a couple new things, like Sake (Japanese whine), and
Cuban art.

One thing I cant hide is that fact that Im a smart person. Even when I try
to play dumb, I still look somewhat intellectual. Sad, but true. I still get
angry sometimes. A horrid rage and spite will invade my mind, but luckily I
have ways to relieve stress. One of them just happens to be through my
writing. The amazing thing is that, overall Ive never lost sight of my initial
vision, even though Ive become a lot more creative, knowledgeable, and
skilled over time.

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Sometimes I wonder why I cant write about more positive things.

Actually, at times I do, but I enjoy the idea of strangeness and shock value as
well. Its all part of what entertainment is. Entertainment can take the form
of a lot of different things. A world famous, internationally renowned, award
winning genius. If youre looking for such a person, the closest thing youll
find to fit that description would a man named Stephen Spielberg. But if
youre sick of him, than I suppose you could settle for the leftovers, like
myself. Being an icon and celebrity isnt everything, even though they
would seem that way to some. There are dark sides to these types of things.

I believe that the real truth is that I dont really have what it takes to be one
of the greats. If I did, Id be writing a fiction story or at the drawing table
right now, but Im somewhat lazy, introverted, Im not rich and I dont even
have a laptop, so if I never end up making millions of dollars a year, it wont
surprise me, unless I already meet all the prerequisites now.

People from other countries see all these great things in the United States
(obviously from not living here) that probably arent even there. Im antiAmerican, yet patriotic all at the same time. I think Film and Novels have so
much more value and true depth than television and comic books. I embrace
the term Jack of all trades: Master of absolutely nothing at all. Im good
at a lot of different things, but Ive mastered nothing. Never will either.
After all, you never do really achieve perfection, just improvement. I think
the toughest part of working in the industry isnt getting the actual work
done. The toughest part, I feel, is breaking into the industry and selling
ideas. In the past Ive had no trouble coming up with ideas and developing
them, just trouble selling them and getting them across to other people.

Even without words or a plot, I still want my artwork to stand up on its

own merit and tell a story by itself, without the aid of words and dialogue, if
necessary. Thats where acting and visualization come in. I would like my
writing to be so great at one point that it can get people to relate and send
chills down a few peoples spines. Not in the eerie sense, but more in the
Damn, this was very well written sense.

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People either love me or hate me, which is I think is the case for a lot of
creative people. When Im writing characters, Ill have to learn how to apply
the Show. Dont tell rule to my work, as all great writers seem to be able
to do. The only writer I know of who writes well without following this rule
is Kevin Smith, and hes the only exception I can think of, and Im sure his
visuals would look a lot different if he did follow this rule. Some rules I like
to follow, and some I dont and go my own route instead, but I dont skimp
out on the most important ones that are going to make my art and writing
more effective. I want to get better, not worse after all. I love to do my own
take on certain things like comedy. Comedy is all about being unpredictable
and unexpected, all while being true to life and the way a single person (the
writer of comedy) thinks.

I think Ive had writers block recently. I seem to feel a little stumped
whenever I first attempt to hit the word processor, which sometimes makes
me want to HIT the word processor with an actual sledge hammer, but
luckily Im much better at managing my anger than many people, so I dont
do things like that, although I really want to sometimes. You have to admit
thats a funny visual, though. Im not an overexposed creative talent. Im an
underexposed creative talent. No one knows about my work, except the
people who personally know me. I like living this secretive life. I kind of
wish it could just stay the way it is now. How could it get any better than it
is now? This must be like what its like to be truly underground. If youre
truly underground and indie, than that means almost no one knows about
you, except hardcore fans and people who are surfing the internet. In my
book, theres no such thing as an underground celebrity. Youre either big
and making a living or youre not, plain and simple. Ive first profited from
my art at the age of sixteen, but right now Im out of work, so in a way Im
already beginning to go through my ups and downs, or employment and
unemployment, so to speak. I only have a small amount of decent
accomplishments right now.

I dont need anyone else to tell me what Im good at. I didnt need anyone
to help encourage me to get started doing creative things, except myself. Ive
taught myself half the stuff I know, with the exception of drawing. Most of

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my writing has been taught to me by doing personal research and reading as

much as I can to get inspired and produce good work. I know for a fact that
Im going to get drawing done tomorrow not too long after I wake up and
get something to eat. Im going to get to working on that portfolio piece
before I do much else of anything.

I hope that my health will begin to get better in the future, and I think it
can if Im willing to exercise and make personal physical sacrifices for it. In
other words, basically Im on a mission to lose more weight and get at least
ten pounds under 200. Ive already lost twenty, though, so I know I can do
this amazing trick again if I set my mind to it.

My eyelids are beginning to drag. I suppose Id better wind this journal

entry up and get to bed, so that I can have a pleasant sleep and sleep in next
morning. Ah, the joy of having a day off from school is a great thing. When
I get to the bottom of this page, Ill rest, but thats if I dont go insane and
get depressed first. I dont know why it is, but very often, right after I get
my evening doses of my medication, I very often begin to feel depressed,
and then I end up going to sleep and forgetting about the whole thing, thank
the gods. It helps if I pray, right before I go to bed and meditate. Speaking of
meditation, I havent meditated in a while. Well it looks like I can finally go
to bed. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen. Pleasant somethings, as JV once
said.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 17

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November 2000

Two comics and one book series Id love to develop for animated projects
would be Liberty Meadows, Strangers in Paradise, and Harry Potter.

The trick for developing other peoples ideas for animation and comic books
is to learn what makes the essence of the original characters, as well as how
to construct them so that they can move in all different positions.

Id absolutely love to develop someone elses characters for different

mediums, or write something that someone else would illustrate, or even
illustrate something that someone else wrote.

Ive been listening to the Green Day CD for about two days, and the songs
are finally starting to sink in. I cant get enough of this Warning CD.

Its good to know that I have enough skill as a writer to write novels, and
enough skill as an artist to work in animation, illustration or comic books,
but Im still trying to decide if I have enough technical and visual skill as a
director to work in film.

Im also going to buy How to Draw Manga: Volumes II, III, and Fight
Scenes before Fandom.com stops selling them.

The thing about my family is that it just doesnt really get along very much,
which is probably one of the reasons I want to move out of state when I go
to college, because I dont think its going to get much better than this. Im
not going to lie; I truly do think my dad is a jerk and an asshole often,
although sometimes hes nice. Theres not much I can do about it. I have to
live in the same house with him for now. When and if I get rich Ill write my
parents a couple checks to say thanks for all the love and care, but that will
be about it. I wont let my family live with me when Im an adult though,

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unless theyre coming to visit. If I were to let them live with me, that would
probably stress me out and drive me crazy, what with my parents getting in
arguments with my brother, my brother fighting with his girlfriend all the
time, and my Dad harassing and pestering me to draw all the time, when Id
draw all the time if he wouldnt harass me about it. Very often I cant stand
the bullshit my family makes me put up with, even though I know deep
down that I love them. I just wish they wouldnt start ignorant confrontations
so much, but I guess thats what comes with being a typical middle class,
average income family living in a modern age. I wonder if a lot of other kids
my age have to put up with this crap. Im not perfect by any means, but if
they were Buddhist and philosophers, I dont think theyd have as many
problems like these. I think Im the only one in my family whos truly found
a road to inner peace. Jesus doesnt teach you how to be happy and find
inner peace. He just teaches you how to be moral and praise him, because
supposedly he was an only son and died for our sins, but I dont believe that
for a second.

Some new comic book talents names that I know about but havent read
much by are Greg Rucka, Steve Lebier, Paul Pope, Warren Ellis, Brian
Azzerello, Brian Michael Bendis, J. Michael Straczynski, Judd Winick, Pat
Lee and Alan Moore.

It seems as if Ive finally made decisions about which schools are my top
schools. So here they are. California Institute of the Arts (for animation), Joe
Kubert School of Cartooning and Graphic Design (for cartooning and comic
books), and New York University (for directing film, writing film, and
acting). These three schools are my top schools, but I have backup choices,
incase any of these dont accept me. Im not going to school to learn how to
write novels. Im pursuing that career option on my own. I can always read
books and call Kathryn Williamson for advice about writing and getting
published. Thank the gods Ive found her so she can help me learn about
submitting manuscripts. Im still rather new in the field of knowledge about
pitching and submitting ideas, especially in film and novels. I want to be
able to do a little bit of everything at one point or another. Drawing, writing,
directing, acting, research, producing, running a business, publishing, getting
inspiration, practicing, selling ideas and rights, as well as marketing,
working with other people, like agents, and promoting. So basically, at the
peak of my career, I dont want to have one specific bossmore like people

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that I work and collaborate with. I hope to be able to work with some of my
heroes or celebrities one day. If Im good at what I do, Ill be big in my
field, but not a mega-celebrity.

Even if I have a little bit or a lot of success, I still wont be above criticism
or critique or even responding to my audience. Its all about supply and
demand, baby!!
I just got back from going to the car show with my brother, where on I-4 we
drove under sidewalk bridge that had a cardboard sign, with the Name GORE
written in big letters, with a green swastika symbol spray painted neatly
underneath it for anyone driving on I-4 to see, probably made by
somekids. Im not kidding. That signs actually there. I guess that just
makes a statement about how fascist, holier than thou, and bigoted some of
George W. Bushs followers really are. I wish I could cross off the GORE

and paint GW BUSH there instead, but instead with a pentagram rather than a
swastika.

Anyway, since Ive been to the car convention, I now know what all my
dream cars are. Theyre a Pontiac, Cadillac, BMW, Jaguar, Bentley, and a
Rolls Royce. I must remember to take my glasses to the car show next time
I go, because I had a hard time seeing the cars from far away.

I finished working on the portfolio piece tonight, and I must say that this
piece of art is looking better every time that I work on it, so when its finally
finished, Im sure the detail will just blow me away. I think this is a
significant sign that Im on my way to becoming something great. Ive been
praying a lot lately in hopes that my portfolio will turn out really excellent,
and Ill get accepted into all of my top schools. I just have to have faith in
myself, the gods, and my ability to be creative. I know rejection hurts, but
Ill get over it eventually, even if I get the ultimate rejections. So far Ive
met John Lasseter and Todd McFarlane. I wonder who Ill meet next, if
anyone. I suck! I suck! I suck! I suck! I suck! I suck! I suck! Im neither
genius nor god. I have no talent in drawing, writing or directing! Just
thought Id drill the message home and bring myself back to earth. There are

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a lot of things Im going to focus on when I write fiction. Narrative pace,

visual descriptions, rhythm, tension, entertainment value, innovation,
atmosphere, realism, unpredictability, thematic development, depth,
dialogue, plot, suspense, humor and drama.

Im soon going to begin my search for themes to write about, so I can

practice my thematic development ability, which will probably require a lot
of reading articles, watching the news, and clustering so that I can do
associations. For example, I could write about children and childhood, antiSemitism, violence, love, trust, retribution, responsibility, personal definition
of whats morally right or wrong, relationships, faithfulness to other people
and ones self, technology, or God. These are all just examples. When it
comes to developing themes, there are no clichs. Almost everyone does it
differently. And the best thing about thematic development is that theres at
least a hundred different ways to interpret each of these topics. Im not
confined to writing about one topic just one way. I can write about one topic
many times in many different ways.

What Ive learned from watching a Chuck Jones special on PBS is that a lot
of what makes comedy in television and movies as well as directing
animation is timing.

If I break into the area of television, Im going to do my best to separate my

style of directing, writing and animating from Chuck Jones, Matt Groening,
Mike Judge, Bruce Timm, John Kricfalusi, Ralph Bakshi, South Park, Seth
McFarlane, Peter Chung, Genndy Tartakovsky, Craig McCracken, or Todd
McFarlane and attempt to do my own thing. Now granted Ill still be
influenced by them and will let people know that my style is aware of them
in a certain sense, but I also want to do something new, innovative and fresh
thats never been done before but is still done fairly well. Same goes for my
novels, films and comic books. I want something new to emerge from my
vision thats well done and modern all at the same time, unless Im writing
historic stories. Its always useful to be aware of the past and the true
innovators, not just the modern ones. My performance has to be just as good
as my theory, though.

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Sooner or later, Ill be at the level of twelve written pages or fifty to

hundreds of drawings a day. I know I can do this. Actually, as far as the
writing goes, Im almost half way to achieving my goal.

I will always acknowledge the true playful genius that is The Beatles and
Chuck Jones, but I also wont brag about myself and my own work. Other
people have produced work thats so much more of a quality product than
mine, and Im not afraid to admit that either.

I dont want to start a new generation-X golden age. I appreciate the original
1940-60 golden ages too much to try to start a type of my own. I dont think
Im important or responsible enough to do that. I have work to accomplish, a
semi-normal life to live, and a beautiful girlfriend to find, as well as a family
of parents and a brother to tend to. 2000 has been quite a good year, though.
Im sure 2001 will be even better and twice as enjoyable.

It feels very good to finally be 17 years old.

This is interesting. Ive been writing almost all day, and I dont feel the least
bit worn out or tired, probably because I went to the Car Convention during
the afternoon and went the Worlds largest McDonalds afterwards with my
brother.

For me, I dont believe I truly have any peak accomplishments. I think the
last accomplishment that I achieve is the best accomplishment that I achieve,
because Im always evolving and improving. Even when it comes to the way
I think and dress, I constantly reinventing myself, which is what all the
greats do, but I dont really compare to them so it doesnt really matter that I
said that.

All this writing at the word processor doing nothing else and writing without
a goal or purpose isnt good for me when Im this young. I should be
spending all this extra time drawing and working on my portfolio as well as

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spending time with the ones I love and having a life. And the disturbing
thing about this is that I know I should be doing those things. Im disobeying
my own authority and rebelling against my own will, which is never a good
thing for anyone. Its not healthy. Ill go to bed now before I go crazy from
all this writing. However, there must be some kind of a benefit to all of this
hard work. Otherwise, why would I be doing this? Im a creative
workaholic, and I dont know for sure if this is a bad thing. Life should come
first before art. As Stephen King has said, Art is a support system for life,
not the other way around.

I was just watching part of a film by Frank Capra, that I didnt even know he
directed, called Its a Wonderful Life, which is a film Ive been meaning to
rent for a while. I have to say that from what I saw, even though the film had
certain dark moments, most of the movie was ingenious in its camera angles,
pureness and innocence. The film had a fun pureness to it that I havent felt
in many modern movies, with the exception of Steven Spielbergs and some
of Robert Zemeckis films, but even they werent as pure as Frank Capra.
Im a big fan of Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick and Woody Allen as
well. I thought The Shining, The Birds, and Vertigo were brilliant. One day
Im going to rent every film that theyve ever made, but thats going to take
some research. Im still deciding who my influences are as a director, inker,
penciller, illustrator, animator, musician, philosopher, humorist, artist,
writer, business person, and spiritual person.

When I get older, Im going sit down, read Drawing on the Right Side of the
Brain, The Natural Way to Draw, Understanding Comics, Comics and
Sequential Art, the Burne Hogarth books, Animation from Script to Screen,
the How to Draw Manga series, How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way, as
well as Writing the Natural Way, study them and practice the exercises in
them for at least a year or two, until I think Im more proficient at all the
things they talk about, like anatomy, perspective, composition, storytelling,
inking, drawing with ink, acting, dynamic composition, roughness, gesture
drawings, still life, painting, quick sketches, self portraits, contours,
portraits, writing, backgrounds, and stylization.

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This would all be while Im an animator and also taking anatomy classes,
and learning the technical aspects of working in comic books and the
animation industry. Things like publishing, directing and pitching ideas. I
want to become the master of hard work, the sale and the pitch.

Theres three things that I think will be challenging for me to learn and they
are raising a kid and maintaining a relationship, driving, and self publishing,
but Im pretty sure I might do all of these things one day.

I cant wait to work and collaborate with other talented creative people who
enjoy their work as much as I enjoy mine.

I doubt that in twenty years from now, Ill be a person living in a multi story
palatial mansion with a huge garage and multiple swimming pools by a lake,
who drives Jaguars, Bens, Rolls Royces and Bentleys. It is fun to dream
and hope that will be my life one day. I wouldnt mind just simply living
comfortably, even if I didnt own expensive cars or a mansion. If youre
rich, or even wealthy, than that puts you in the minority.

I dont think Ill have enough talent to make the big bucks as an adult. Ive
taken a long hard look at my work, and I dont think it measures up to the
type of level of work that some of the big names are producing. Maybe Ill
just be an animator, or storyboard artist and that will be it. Maybe I wont try
to obtain any of the glamorous jobs like being a director, creator, producer or
writer professionally. I have to make a living somehow though. Besides,
even if I did get rich, than what would I do with all that money anyway?
Maybe Im being naive, but I dont feel that my work really speaks for itself,
even though I wish it did, and therefore I dont think Ill ever get rich or
famous. My work just doesnt click with people. I think Im the only actual
one it entertains. I dont really want to predict my future, because I dont
think it can really get that much better or more impressive.

All my old friends seem so much different than they used to. Sometimes I
wonder if I actually have any real friends.

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I guess I have bad karma with women. Maybe I send off vibes to women
that say Dont ever date me! Im a total jackass! Ive never really been
much of a ladies man. Ive always been sort of outspoken, especially when I
was in middle and when Im high school.

Ive realized that theres at least twenty people out there who can do my
creative jobs better than I can. Anyone could do my jobs as well as I do
them. Im not going to fool myself. Anyone could draw like I do or come up
with the sort of ideas and philosophies that I do, which is why I have to
practice and work extra hard, so that no one takes my place and puts me out
of a job.

When I start to write my first novel, I have to remember that for the
manuscript, all the lines have to be double-spaced. Ill also have to go
through a lot of different drafts and edited versions before Im satisfied with
the final product, which is what actually gets printed or published and goes
on sale at bookstores all across the country.

If I have one successful idea, Im sure Ill scrap a lot of my old original ideas
that I dont like all that much, until I come upon one that sticks in my mind
and that seems workable, being the rare gem that it is, and go with it. I just
have to make sure that I have fun and entertain myself. I laughed, I cried, I
defecated in my pants and vomited all over my living room.

Im not sure if Im ready to have people care for me all that much just yet,
with the exception of my family. I already know they care for me,
fortunately.

Florida certainly is an interesting place to live in. I know there are a lot of
other places that Id rather be living in during the future, but Ill admit that
Florida has some interesting things going on under its primarily sunny
weather. Id rather live in Winter Park than where I do, and Id rather live in
California or New York than Florida, and thats all that I have to say.

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When I was 15, I first started writing seriously, and I havent stopped since
to be honest. I love it too much and I wouldnt trade it for the world, as the
clich goes.

Writing doesnt have to be as hard and as laborious as I originally

interpreted it to be, what with double spacing and my newfound ability to
write a lot of words in a single day. Maybe all of this praying to the gods,
putting faith in them and meditating is actually paying off.

I dont expect to go from rags to riches. I expect to go from rags to semiclean towels, and Id be happy with that as Ive stated for the umpteenth
time, but I cant seem to drill that message home to myself enough, because
I really am being honest and sincere when I state that. Im not bullshitting
myself like before. I really dont do what I do for the money. I do it for the
enjoyment and the feeling of bringing light to other people lives, which I
think is the true ideal creative goal. What I do, I dont consider work. I
consider it enjoyable expressionism. Ive grown and matured a lot as a writer
and artist in the last two years since Ive been getting educated. Im also
certain that Ill grow a lot more in the next year or two.

My own life is actually pretty interesting and extraordinary, even though I

havent been the most socially gifted person in the world as a kid. Ive had
some interesting things happen to me, some of them good and other ones
bad. I think Im more likely to remember the bad ones than the good. No
specific reason for this that I can think of. Thats just the way my mind
works sometimes.

In my opinion, as a writer you have to be good at writing about ordinary

situations first before you can write about strange and imaginative ones, just
like in drawing where you have to learn the basics before you master
stylization, otherwise, doing the latter will only get you so far and youre
bound to get stuck at one point of the journey or another.

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Why does everyone want to get rich? Its really not that big of a deal. Once
you get the money, you get it, and thats it. Im not rich, but I dont mind. I
like just having a little bit of decent money here and there, like Ive been
doing.

I suppose Id better start practice writing my Academy Award or Emmy

Award acceptance speech, just in case later on I get a nomination or
something of that sort. Getting royalty checks, gifts and letters is always
nice, though. Im sure of that, even though I have yet to receive a single one
of these things. I like the idea of keeping a sketchbook and a laptop with me
everywhere that I go, which is probably whats in my somewhat near future.

There are two things I dont think Id ever really want anyone to do to me.
They are feeling sympathetic towards me or beg me to work on something,
although Im pretty sure the second will happen some time during my life.

Usually when I have a gut feeling about something that I think is probably
going to happen, Im right. Im not really much of an actor. I dont know a
ton of things about acting in film and theatre. Im not really much of a writer
either, but look how much I do that. I know a lot more about writing
professionally than I do about acting professionally. Im not as in touch with
my raw emotions as Id like to be, like anger, happiness, fear, anxiety,
depression, rage, frustration and sadness. I know the feeling when I
experience it for real, but Im still working on and learning how to bring it
up to my disposal at will. So far, from what I know, theres two parts of
acting. Theres the physical part and then theres the mental part. Im still
having trouble tapping into either one of them naturally and easily, but if I
learn enough and read enough about acting, Im sure Ill be able to one day.
One of the best modern day voice-over talents is actually a dramatic actor in
disguise. His name is Charlie Adler. Part of being creative and innovative
has always been keeping an open mind and not being bigoted or always
thinking theres only one way to do something, because if you approach it
that way, youll always be limited and confined to doing it just that one way
and not incorporating any variety into what it is you do.

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Since Im waiting for that book that I did illustrations for to get published, I
must be patient. Its going to happen, but itll take a while. When Im done
writing this morning, Im going to go straight to the drawing table, and work
on that illustration piece that Im putting in my portfolio. I would put the
book illustration and the sign I drew in there. Actually Id love to in order to
show Im somewhat professional, but the only problem is that Ive spotted
too many flaws in the four drawings that Ive done, especially in the hands,
perspective and inking. My more recent drawings are so much better,
anyway. After I finish this illustration, Im going to do a ton of quick sketch
drawings of people and animals stationary and in motion, doing five to six
drawings per sketchpad page. They have to be somewhat small. Its just
going to take a lot of practice, but if I want to get into a decent animation
and art school, this is what I have to do, even if I dont want to. Its time to
get serious about my drawing. Better to start now than half a year from now,
when Im much closer to crunch time. I dont want to get stuck in crunch
time with no decent drawings yet, which would probably leave me in a
rushed panic that would probably make my work suck. I dont want that to
happen. I want to be prepared when the time comes. Im out of an art job
right now. Im not getting paid to do anything artwise, so right now Im just
practicing and trying to get into art school. Writing isnt my life. Thats just
a side hobby. Art is. Sometimes I forget that, I suppose.

Money and women are the root of all thats evil. I probably say that because
I cant get my hands on either one of them. I will one day. You just watch
me, mother fucker. I dont see becoming a pop culture icon anywhere in
my future, for some reason, but I dont think Id want to be one anyways. If
youre an icon, you cant even leave your damn house, because you get
mobbed for autographs. Im sure that would be fun at first, but then it would
probably eventually get irritating. Ill never be a star. Actually, I hope I
never do become a star, but even if I do, Ill pretend that Im not.

Its tough to believe that Ive been writing in this journal for only three days
and its already just about half way filled up. The pages Ive written look
well written too. That just goes to show that quantity doesnt necessarily
suffice for quality.

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To most people that see me on the street, I dont seem like the type of person
who would be very creative and produce the type of work I make. Im not
very charismatic, so I actually repel friends faster than I attract them.

Knowing that Im published or that people are buying my crap, and getting
paid with checks for my work has always managed to put a big ass smile of
my face. What can I say? It makes me happy. I also need to remember that if
I need to make a living while Im in and out of college, I can always work in
a book, CD, video, or comic book store as a day job.

Im eating Munch-ems right now, and I cant seem to get enough of them,
even if they do have a lot of calories in them. Theyre probably healthier
than some of the types of Pringles out there.

One type of writing that I find challenging is being able to write people with
different accents realistically, like people with southern, British, Australian,
Canadian, Texas, New York, Illinois, Jewish, or Irish accents. Im sure Ill
get around to writing characters that have these types of accents, eventually.
I like people with accents. I think thats cool. Alan Moore, Garth Ennis, and
Stephen King are all good at writing for characters with accents. Alan writes
a mean British accent, Garth writes a mean Irish accent, and King writes
Southern accents very well.

If I get into film and literature, Im not just going to write and direct one film
and write one book. Im going to make a lot of them, if I make any at all.
Im going to try to come up with and write at least three to five screenplays
during the course of a couple years, and I want to write at least four novels.
So lets see. Four novels, three films, two comic book series and three
animated series, and this isnt even counting all the anonymous things I want
to do. I plan to come up with many new ideas in the future.

The difference between other more mainstream manga influenced American

comic books, and the manga influenced comic books that Im envisioning is
that mine is going to be in black and white with no color, and its also going

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to use shading screens. In that way, Im hoping it will be more similar to

actual manga than other American manga-influenced comic books, like the
ones illustrated by Adam Warren, Joe Maduriera, and the Gold Digger
comic book. The thing about them is that all of them are in color, and none
of them use shading screens like actual manga does.

I drew earlier today, just as I had planned to do, which is a good thing. What
I drew was a continuation of the layout of the illustration piece Im working
on, and its looking much better every time I work on it and add more details
and rendering. I also sketched a head using the construction that it said to
use in How to Draw Manga. Im probably going to draw more tonight, after
I read for a little bit.

When Im at my artistic peak, Im sure Ill be able to switch from contours,

to gestures, to realism, to cartooniness, to abstract, to manga, to scary, to
detailed, to inking, to penciling, to painting, to lettering, to coloring on the
computer, to good composition. Being able to switch from animation, to
manga, to indie style, to superheroes, to cartoons is a variety Im positive
that I can achieve through knowledge of basic drawing and a ton of practice.
When I mean a ton of practice, I mean five to nine hour days where most of
that time is spent at the drawing desk. Im working on being able to go from
rough sketchy layout to cleanup or inking. And as for writing, Im
developing a better knowledge of and approach to writing. Im getting better
at being able to write any genre of writing in any medium of writing, my
favorites being fantasy, horror, adventure, drama, suspense and the
paranormal. Im good at writing about my life in the here and now, but my
early teens and childhoods seem somewhat fuzzy to me, which is probably
why I wont write an autobiography, because there would be certain holes in
the plot that might be impossible to fill with recollection. As for mediums of
writing, theres poetry, song, novel, novella, short story, animation script,
comic book script, screenplay, non-fiction, and journalism writing. I could
do any of these if I put my mind to them. I would like to dabble in
journalism, simply because sometimes I find true life stories and
observations so much more amazing and captivating than things created out
of one persons mind. Just read some of the Articles in Rolling Stone, and
youll see what I mean.

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Two people Id especially love to interview would be Bjork and Thom

Yorke from Radiohead. They seem like extremely creative people and they
have very innovative minds, which is why Id absolutely love to spend a
couple hours just talking to them and asking them questions. But look at me.
No one wants to hear what I have to say, but I say it anyway and look how
much fun Im having just going on about different topics, whether they be
personal or non-personal. I wonder if there are any celebrities who are
similar to me in mind and creativity. I dont believe Im better than everyone
else. I refuse to believe that theres no one else out there better than me. Im
smart, Im creative, Im hard working, Im reasonable, Im innovative, but I
know theres someone out there that I dont know, whos smarter, more
creative, a harder working, more reasonable, and more innovative than me
who can do more different things than I can do better than I could do them. I
used to like Jhonen Vasquez a lot more, but that was before I realized hes a
hack, hes never learned how to draw or write properly, and who let the
success he achieved go to his head (If he didnt do any of these things, than
Im sure hed be putting out his comic books a lot more consistently than he
does now.

I know Im going to be successful, if my family doesnt give me a nervous

breakdown because of their confrontations first, that is.

I havent worked on Zounds!, Circus Ninja, or Leaf Season for a while. Its
not that Ive taken a break from working on them. Its just that Im taking
my time developing my writing and drawing skills before I fully take them
on, develop them, work on them and finish them before I present them to
any companies and sell them. I dont want to cheat my audience. I want all
my ideas to live up the their full potential, which means perfecting my crafts
before I take them on specifically, because if I do that, working on them and
having fun along the way should be easier than it would be if I were to have
taken them on prematurely.

Even though more than half the people in this state will probably never
compare to the status Im probably going to achieve, that doesnt mean that I
have to think that Im above them as a person, or even as a creative person. I
might never have a breakout hit, which means I might never be more

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important than the other people in the town I grew up in, but I still know Im
smarter and more creative. Uh-oh, Im beginning to sound like a snobbish
braggart, but when you have a subconscious ego as big as mine, sometimes
it can be challenging not to sound like this. If I become a completely cynical,
egomaniacal asshole, than thats when Ill commit suicide. Actually I
wouldnt kill myself even if I was, because Im sure that Id love myself too
much to even ponder ending my own wretched, egotistical existence. I think
a lot of writers, artists, actors, sports players and directors have disturbingly
enormous egos. Fortunately, Im not one of them Im very modest about my
talent, future impact and success.

Sometimes I think my brother is possessed by some sort of a demon, when

he gets mad and yells horrible words at everyone. But then I realize that I
dont believe in the devil, or even probably evil. I wish he would be less
hateful so much and more enlightened. He desires too often, and when he
suffers, its all too apparent to everyone else. Hes not evil or anything. Hes
only human. He believes in a God, and I think that has to at least count for
something. Maybe if he was a practicing Christian, had more faith in what
he truly believes, and went to church more, he wouldnt have these
problems, but then again, Im part agnostic and part Buddhist, so why the
hell would I be saying things like this. I dont even practice mainstream
American religion, and I have a gut feeling that Im twice as moral as my
brother and a lot of people in this country. I think hate and censorship
should be the eighth and ninth deadly sins. Who knows? Maybe theyll show
up in an updated version of the New Testament that some archeologists
might find buried deep under the surface of the city of Jerusalem one day,
undiscovered after thousands of years. I could always hope, but if that
doesnt get any results, I might try praying, even if Im praying for
something I know will never happen.

I just bought an issue of Entertainment Weekly, after I got done working,

which I think will be extremely useful to me in the future. The caption on
the front page reads HOW TO BREAK INTO SHOWBIZ, but despite how
misleading I expected the front page caption to be, I can honestly say that I
think this issue really was written to help aspiring film makers who want to
break into the industry. It even has a list of the top film schools in the U.S.
Where else are the top film, animation and comic book colleges going to be,
Iceland? I doubt it. Im going to study this magazine thoroughly, to see how

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to get into a film school and which ones I should be trying to get into. Im
sure Ill come up with some more story ideas for novels, movies, comics,
and animated projects. But its not my main goal right now. My main goal is
get really good at my crafts and get into college first, then sit back, wait, and
make a conscious effort to come up with new character designs and plot
ideas, work on developing the ideas, and finally, revising them, and after all
that hard work is done, then I can collect my blessed payment of cash, if I
get any, that is.

I think a lot of what makes entertainment good is atmosphere, which is

probably one of the reasons that things like Spawn, Radiohead and The Sixth
Sense are so successful, because theyre very atmospheric. I think another
thing that makes entertainment good is a well thought out theme. When I
create a story, I also want to create a mood and have a theme (or themes) as
well, at least some of the time. So lets review. Some things that make
entertainment better than average, to me anyway, are mood, theme,
innovation, intelligence, interesting characters, blending genres, influence
from the greats who do it the best, a captivating beginning that hooks people
from the start, good production quality, and realism.

Since Im an ethnic minority, companies will probably look for an excuse to

say no to me, but I dont give a fuck. Im going to persevere and keep
persevering until I get some great work done, get an agent to represent me,
and sell my work for a decent price that I can make a comfortable living off
of. Im going to give my work variety. Im not going to just do one thing
that makes me big, do that and nothing but that. Im know my futures going
to be all about taking risks that I truly hope will pay off.

If I have enough extra money, than Ill go to cartooning and film school, and
when I get out of film school, Ill work on several screenplays, so that
hopefully once I have a respectable screenwriting reputation, Ill sell the
directing rights to one of my screenplays as well, so that Ill actually end up
directing one of the movies I wrote. Writing a good story isnt easy by any
means. Not even for me sometimes. But Im sure it takes a lot of practice,
which is what Im doing: practicing as much as I can.

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Ive written too much. When 6:00 p.m. comes, Im going to sit my ass in
that drawing desk chair, pick some pictures or make something up, and draw
it. Itll be easy once I really get into it, as it always is.

I think the people that think its easy to become successful and make a lot of
money in the entertainment business are the ones who are usually doomed to
failure. Everyone laughs at you when you say youre going to make it into
the big time, but when you do, their jaws hit the floor, and before they
realize it, youre already there. I think being able to be successful in
entertainment isnt just having talent. It is one part talent, one part having a
good idea and a third part marketing and selling yourself so that you can get
companies interested in what you have to say. And I think yet another part is
a lot of hard work. The last part is never letting yourself think that youre
above criticism or critique. No ones too good to be critiqued.

I think that the problem with movies, comics, animation, novels and
television shows, is that for the majority of them the writing is just awful and
you dont care for or think too much about the characters one way or
another. I drew tonight like I did last night, only I didnt work on the
illustration piece, I drew two drawings tonight. They were to sharpen my
background and object drawing skills, and sharpen them I did. I also worked
at my job today. Ive just realized that Im going to have to use a lot of photo
reference for my background drawings, so that Ill have something to go off
of and not get too frustrated, because I felt frustrated tonight, the reason
being that when I was trying to think up an object to draw, not much came to
mind, and not much ended up on the paper, but at least its a start and it
looks better and more in perspective than my earlier drawings of
backgrounds and objects. Ill just have to use a lot of photo reference at first.

Ive just realized that even my parents cant stand me all the time, and
neither can I. When I realize everyone else hates me usually is when I end
up disliking myself. Sometimes I wish I could just step outside of myself
and see how annoying and frightening I am to other people in my life. I
scare small children easily. They dont like me very much. Am I still happy?
Believe it or not, yes I am. Actually, I cant tell if Im happy or unhappy.
Ive done enough work to realize that I shouldnt be living for my work, no

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matter how much I enjoy it. Finding happiness and my spiritual side should
come first. I was making such spiritual progress, up until I stopped
meditating routinely. I think Ill go do that, so that I can find some more
inner peace that I dont seem to have right now. I think I should speak one
on one with a therapist. I need someone to talk tosomeone to love, and
who loves me back. I get so lonely sometimes. My family isnt always
together, and even when were all under the same roof, sometimes were still
apart, because everyone is in a separate room and not interacting.

Also, some new celebrities that seem to be very popular right now are J.K.
Rowling, M. Night Shyamalan, Eminem, Thom Yorke, and Bjork. And the
amazing thing about these celebrities is that none of them are fully
American, but theyre all extremely popular in America. I think all of these
people are some of the most creative celebrities who are changing the
industries that theyre working in, especially Rowling and Shyamalan.

I dont know how Im going to go to school for film, cartooning and

animation. Im not even sure how to get into a film school. I do know that
the first thing you need to get into a college is money, which I dont have
right now, but Im hoping that after I get out of animation school and am
working as animator or something of that nature, hopefully Ill have some
money by then and can go back to college for a second and third time.

Six of the best new shows that Ive seen or heard of are The X-Files, Frasier,
Malcolm in the Middle, Law and Order, The Sopranos, and Ally McBeal. I
like the way these shows are filmed. As for variety shows, I like The Awful
Truth, Dennis Miller, Tom Green, Conan OBrian, David Letterman, Jay
Leno, and Space Ghost. As for animation, Toonami, The Powerpuff Girls,
Daria, Futurama, The Simpsons, anything directed by Chuck Jones, and
Spawn.

Right now Im still struggling with my everyday life, just trying to get
through school and my job as a bagger at the supermarket. College doesnt
make things any easier, and neither do success and the rise to power. Things
will probably get even more hectic. There are so many just plain horrible

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movies, books, and television shows that get put out each year, and thats
putting it politely. I hope that I can make some exceptions that make up for
at least some of the filth. Im always keeping my hopes up that theres more
great writers out there who are about to unleash their talents upon the world,
but most of the time, with the exception of one or two writers per year
(usually ones who I already know about), sadly Im disappointed.

Id like to think that the critics would love everything that I do, but sadly, for
most entertainers thats not usually the case. Id like to think that everything
I do would be a work of quality, but the critics will probably hate at least one
thing that I do, and it wouldnt surprise me if it turned out to be the most
personal and deep idea that I ever worked on. Id like to be able to please
myself, the critics, the academy, the media and my audience all at the same
time, which I believe is the ideal for me.

Some television show video collections that I think any creative writer
should own are The Twilight Zone, The X-Files, and Twin Peaks. Theyre all
weird, but their innovative and ingenious nonetheless.

I also think two important contributing factors to writing a popular novel

include an eye catching cover and interesting font setup. Because when I
was reading online reviews of Tess Geritsons new novel, Gravity, I read
reviews by people that said they bought the book simply because they liked
the cover and it drew them in. Thats also probably another one of the
reasons Harry Potter is so appealing. It not only has an eye catching cover,
but it also has cool types of graphics and letters that it uses in some of the
pages done in all different kinds of letters and fonts.

Im getting paid tomorrow, but all or most of that money is going towards
Christmas presents for my family. Oh god! Why am I writing on this word
processor before I draw once again? This is not a good sign. Im getting bad
vibes from this. The more I write as of now, the more bad karma Im going
to end up accumulating towards myself. Im going to draw tonight for longer
than usual, regardless.

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Ive just noticed that there are way too many things that I want to get around
and would like to get around to doing, but havent done yet, because of sheer
laziness and a bad tendency to put hitting the word processor above anything
else that I can do. I suck for doing this, even if Im probably going to
become a novelist one day. Its like smoking. I need to quit desperately, but
something keeps drawing me back time and time again until its too late. I
dont smoke, by the way, but I do write, and in a way its a habit and a bad
one too.

Ive finally learned how to spell Persevere correctly and I just wrote it right
now. I guess I cant think of anything to write about now, except that I drew
for an hour tonight, and thats good for me. I dont know what just happened
in the last two days. I was up to writing four pages a day, and now I seem to
be back down to one or two a day, but thats probably because Ive had to
work. Im going to read tonight also and possibly watch another one of
Bobs anime videos. I like those things.

From what Ive heard out of interviews from people who have worked with
Tim Burton, it seems like hes not really proficient at directing film,
illustrating, or animating. Glenn Keane, who worked on some Disney
Features with Tim, said that he was really struggling with the films. After
Tim got kicked out of Disney for his bizarre ideas, he went into illustrating
and directing film. His illustrations for The Mellon Collie Death of Oyster
Boy are not the best, and when I was watching Martin Short on Inside the
Actors Studio, Martin said that when he approached Tim and asked him
how he should approach the part in Mars Attacks, calm or intense?, Martin
did an impression of Tim on the show giving a bewildered answer. Tim,
from what I hear isnt the most technically savvy film director out there, but
somehow most people have just seen the finished product, and thus hes
ended up becoming a legendary, rich, famous and successful film director,
with films like Beetlejuice, Edwards Scissorhands, Mars Attacks, Sleepy
Hollow, and The Nightmare Before Christmas. I think the reason for his
legendary status is not only because hes full of ingenious visions and that
theres a certain twisted kind of optimistic magic to his films, what with the
Danny Elfman soundtracks and cool costumes, but also because hes able to
create a unique type of atmosphere. Theyre frightening and bizarre, yet
unique nonetheless. Ill admit that when Im at the drawing desk or
typewriter, at least I know what Im doing pretty well, but when I sit in the

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directors chair, right now, I dont really know what the fuck Im doing,
which I hope will eventually change if I read a lot and go through film
school.

My name doesnt sell a project, and probably never will. Im hoping that my
skill will be sufficient enough to do that.

Some movies have restored my faith that its possible to make a personal
film thats produced and funded by a mainstream company. Movies like The
Sixth Sense, Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Schindlers List, Jerry
Maguire, and Forrest Gump. However, most mainstream films arent very
personal. Theyre just trying to appeal to the widest audience so that the big
ass film companies, big ass stars, big ass directors, big ass agents, and big
ass studio executives can go on soullessly worshipping the almighty dollar.
If I make an impact in the film industry, I hope to stay a little bit to the side
of this crowd. If I ever get a lot of studio clout, than Ill certainly use it to
force the studio to take some chances. After all, if youre given a good
opportunity that you see, youd better do your damndest to use it, which will
hopefully end up benefiting everyone in the end.

From what I read, the two top film schools are The University of Southern
California and New York University. These are the schools with all the big
shot graduates, but the only problem is that theyre very, very, very
expensive so dont go unless theres a guarantee youll have a lot of money
to pay them off.

Unless I sell an idea for a novel, comic book, movie, or animated project, or
even get work as an animator or artist, Im going to have to keep my day
job, especially when I get out of high school and college. I have to realize
that Im not going to have a whole lot of money at first. Nobody does,
except a very lucky few. I have to work my way up, and make quality work,
no matter what I do.
Despite how much progress Ive made in my writing, I still have some
intense fears about writing novels and screenplays, and its the part about

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coming up with new ideas for plots and characters. These two parts seem to
be the parts where I have the toughest trouble coming up with something
completely new, especially when it involves the supernatural. I dont have to
worry too much. I have other careers to fall back on until the big idea comes,
so theres really no pressure to come with a plot idea now. I just need to
keep an open mind. After all, Ive come up with a lot of cool ideas in the
past couple days and months. I just havent written them down, because Im
not focusing on writing fiction stories right now.

Ive just began reading Alan Moore books like Top 10, and I also just bought
some comics by Warren Ellis. Multiple issues of a comic book called
Transmetropolitan. I read two of the issues, and was I ever impressed. Alan
Moore, Will Eisner, and Warren Ellis books are all excellent books by
excellent writers, no matter what they work on. I enjoy a lot of manga titles.
I havent been too impressed by a lot of Indie comic books lately. I used to
see a lot that I liked. Now, good ones seem to be few and far between.
Theres just so much crap out there now. I know some books I like, Milk &
Cheese, Bone, JTHM, SIP, and anything written by Kevin Smith place high
in the sales charts, for Independent black and white comic books, that is.
Most black and white comic books arent that lucky, though. Most of them
dont even place in the top 250. Theyre usually near the 300s, Im
guessing. The Blair Witch books from Oni, Pokemon, Sailor Moon,
Gundam, and Dragonball manga all have placed high in the sales charts at
one point or another. I dont want to make history or anything by breaking
sales records, because that rarely happens, even to successful creative
people. I just want to be happy and successful at what I set my mind to.
Right now, my goal isnt really to get published. Thats later on down the
road when my work is up to a level worthy of publication. I have to get busy
drawing in about 30 minutes from now. I came up with some new ideas for
stories during school today, so Im very happy. Theyre not like my usual
ideas with the paranormal things happening and whatnot. Ill return to that
type of storytelling eventually, but Im going to wait to do that. I know I can
return to that style eventually, but I want to experiment a little bit with
writing genres and styles first, and to find out just how far my writing skills
will stretch. I want to test and see the muscles before I start flexing them, so
to speak. Im going to have to study philosophy and business more
thoroughly. I do plan to use them a lot in the future. Ill use philosophy to
incorporate into my writing, and business to incorporate into selling and

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marketing my work. Heres a question. If a lot of people dont know about

something, than how can they buy it?

When I get older, Im sure that a lot of my videos will be replaced by DVDs.
I want to have a huge collection of CDs, magazines, cars, books, DVDs, tee
shirts, jackets, hats, shoes, action figures and comic books when I get older,
but only if I have enough money to do so. I am the pop-culture wizard with
all the connections. I know about a lot of different things and people in the
entertainment business. Ones that are well know and ones that arent. Im
very modest around other people, so I dont really enjoy bragging about
myself too much.

Why is my spine curved forward? None of my family or friends know the

real me, and neither will any of my readers. Even when Im in and out of
college, people will probably assume things about me that arent true, but
that happens to everyone, especially celebrities, so its nothing to get all bent
out of shape about. I dont know if Ill ever be in the spotlight, but if I ever
was, Im not sure how Id handle it.

Eureka. I just thought how I could get Leaf Season published. I can submit it
as a short story to a horror anthology. I love getting letters and getting asked
questions. With all the other things that I have to do in a single week, one of
the people at my writers group was amazed and bedazzled when she
couldnt figure out how to find time for writing, in between all the other
things that I do, because I do have to find time to do a lot of things each
week. Theres school, lessons, writers group, my job, group counseling,
drawing practice, reading, meditating and then theres writing. And aside
from all this I want to work in animation, comics, film, business, and novel
writing, as well work on almost all major aspects of each project I work on. I
live a hectic and sometimes stressful life, and I also have no girlfriend,
ADD, and some social anxiety (although not as much as I used to have), as
Ive explained before in this journal, but I somehow manage, and besides, at
least I dont have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Im inspired by a
lot of different things, so of course I have a lot of different ideas and visions.
I dont picture myself as one of those people who would ever end up in

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Readers Digest. Many of my stories arent the most family friendly,

although some of them might be.

Im beginning to get afraid to go into my room. Its so cluttered that Im

afraid I might be swallowed alive by the living mess of junk.

Im not a scientific genius or anything. I dont know a DNA strand or

molecule from and embryo.

Well, Im finally going to hand write that letter to Choi tonight. I dont have
much else to say about that, except I feel like a real asshole for not writing
sooner, but I figured that if I put it off, Ill just keep putting it off until its
too latebetter late than never. Im secretly hoping Ill never get published,
because I might be terrible at responding to mail. Ive drawn, read and
written tonight, and now Im going to write to Choi finally! So I guess I
could say that tonight has been a very productive night. As for comic books:
The series Id like to read in trade paperbacks are SIP, Transmetropolitan,
Preacher, Powers, Watchmen, Zot, and Cerebus.

Ill have to remember to keep reading Sick Puppy and the Lion Witch and
Wardrobe.

I think Ill make a good character designer and animated series developer. I
could be the next Chuck Jones, you never know, but now that Ive stated that
Ive probably jinxed myself from becoming anything remotely similar to
that. I wish I were some kind of a creative wizard, who could craft
wonderful stories and cast entertainment spells over audiences. Mr.
Spielberg can do it very well. I cant. I think the best Hollywood directors in
the business are not only visually gifted, but their also technical wizards. It
always helps to have a technical understanding of your craft, whatever it
may be. Even for things like writing, its always a lot easier to know how to
format your writing properly when writing professionally.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 18

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November 2000

Theres three things that would make life for me a lot easier, and they are a
laptop, a DVD player, and a Bentley (or Rolls Royce), but I dont have any
of these three things and I seem to be doing just fine. I imagine that if I had a
DVD player, than that would mean that Id have a huge DVD collection as
well. The must-buy DVDs Id really want would be Three Kings, Fight
Club, Dogma, American Beauty, Saving Private Ryan, Ghost In the Shell,
Good Will Hunting, Jerry Maguire, The Sixth Sense, and Pulp Fiction. All
my favorite movies Id buy on DVD, if I had the money. Im such a big
spender. Im going to drive myself bankrupt one of these days, unless Im
rich. If I had just an average income like $30,000 or $40,000 a year, then
that would be okay. Id still be able to buy things. I own an awful lot of
issues of Blade of the Immortal, Strangers in Paradise, Oh My Goddess!
and Liberty Meadows now. I didnt used to, but then I realized how amazing
the art is for all of these comic books is. Bone, Cerebus, Preacher, Top 10,
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Dark Minds, and Transmetropolitan
are all good, too. My favorite bands right now are Bjork, Radiohead, Travis,
John Lennon, Weezer, The Smashing Pumpkins, Pizzicato Five, and Kahimi
Karie. Favorite shows right now are Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,
Gundam Wing, Tenchi Muyo and Tenchi Universe, any cartoons directed by
Chuck Jones that get played on Cartoon Network, Malcolm In The Middle,
Frasier, Seinfeld, and of course The X-Files. For literature Ill have to go
with Stephen King, possibly Nick Hornby, and the Harry Potter series,
without a doubt. All of these things not only serve as entertainment for me,
but also as inspiration for me, so that I produce the work I do. Theyve all
made me strive to achieve a higher level of quality entertainment. Im very
influenced, artistically, by Chuck Jones, anime, fine art, Disney animated
feature films, atmospheric films, innovative commercial illustrators like
Hogarth, Cornwell and Rockwell, and comic books.

I also want to learn about more modern artists like Salvador Dali, Andy
Warhol, and Ralph Steadman.

Dont even get me started on writing and storytelling. Thats another big
topic for me entirely.

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I have a very offbeat and twisted sense of humor. Some of my jokes might
be too racy for some companies. Well you know what. Fuck them. I dont
like watered down humor. Im not afraid to use curse words or make fun of
controversial crap.

Im not sure when Im going to write my first manuscript for a novel, but
when I do, Im sure after a couple drafts itll be a great book that definitely
has a chance of getting published. If you have a lot of talent, than getting
published is a lot easier than it would be if you didnt have very much talent.
Also, it helps to have an agent at your disposal, so if you finish a damn good
manuscript, you call your agent, who has agreed to represent you, up and ask
them to go selling your novel to different publishing companies. If youre
lucky, and youre really, really good, your agent will put out an auction with
a starting bid, and whoever offers the highest price paid to the author up
front will get to buy the novel from the author and publish it. You go
through the editing process with the publishing company, you sign a contract
and BAM! You get paid, and hopefully its enough to live off of for at least
a couple months. When I go into the world of publishing, I aim to do one
comic book issue, possibly more, each month, for as many years as I feel
like doing. And for novel writing, Ill write one book thats at least 300
pages each year for at least five years. The good thing is that if I plan the
writing just right and do it the right way, I should be able to finish a first
draft of a novel in somewhere around half a year, but thats if I can write
four to ten pages a day. I truly believe that when the time is right for me to
come up with some damn good fiction stories, (novels, screenplays and
comic books), Ill be able to go well beyond my own standards and at least
get a couple good long well crafted stories written, even if they take place in
the real world and have to be accurate, but I have to get my drawing down
first, because thats what Im going to be going to college for mainly. The
writing has to be secondary right now. Im going to draw tomorrow. I know
it.

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December 2000

I just found out that a kid at school, who I think is a new friend of mine,
Stephen Hill, also wants to break into the film industry, except his primary
forte is acting, although he wouldnt mind writing screenplays also, and
asked me if I want to creatively collaborate on a film project, which I think
would be a very cool idea. Since I cant afford to make mini-movies on my
own, this might be a chance to start making film projects at an early age. So
if I come up with any ideas for short films, Ill be sure to email them to him,
or just tell him in person. If we invent any new ideas, than this could be a
good opportunity to sharpen my directing skills for film. Actually I got an
idea for a possible short film on the way back from the Park Avenue comic
book store. It happened when my mom drove me back home down a road
that turned past park avenue, and we drove past a cemetery with a lot of
tombstones, and I suddenly got a visual idea of a short film that could be
about the loss of a person whos close to you, that could involve a person
going into a cemetery and mourning a death, standing in front of a
tombstone and getting quite emotional. This would not be the entire story
though. It would only be part of it. Maybe if I use clustering and see what
comes to mind, so that then I might be able to come up with different aspects
to the story. But I know for a fact that this is one of my ideas, which Im
going to build around a single visual scene. I might draw some storyboards
for the cemetery scene so I can try to plan it out, incase the idea goes
anywhere and it turns out to make a pretty decent idea for a short film. So
for this idea, Ill develop the plot and characters, draw some storyboards to
elaborate on my vision, and keep reading the Syd Field and film directing
books that I have. This is how real Hollywood directors do their magic. They
technically and mentally plan out every scene ahead of time, rehearse, and
keep shooting the scenes until they get it just right, which is what I want to
do and probably have to do, if I want to be up there with Spielberg,
Sonnenfeld, Hitchcock, Kubrick, Capra, Howard, Tarantino, Crowe, Allen,
Shyamalan, Zemeckis, Burton, Smith, and Copolla, in no particular order.
The advice that Steven Spielberg gives to aspiring directors is that you have
to start filming from an early age. You shouldnt wait until college to start
shooting movies, just like you shouldnt wait until youre an adult to pursue
writing novels and scripts. You also shouldnt wait until youre a full grown
adult to start drawing. You should start doing whatever you want to do as an
adult at as early an age as you can start at. I realize my first film, short or
feature length, isnt going to be a masterpiece, which is why Ill have to

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keep doing it, so that I can get better at it over the years. To make films you
need money to buy a camera, and now it looks as if pretty soon Ill have
access to a camera with the collaboration of someone else I know, because I
cant afford one myself. Of course Im going to keep up my drawing and
writing as well. I am going to start drawing again at 6:00 p.m. tonight after
all. The cool thing is that I think Stephen Hill has as much enthusiasm for
wanting to make film and get into a film school as much as I do have, so I
think if I collaborate, it will be cool collaborating on a film project with him.
I want to be able to write a low budget film screenplay just as well as I can
write a high budget film screenplay. Things almost necessary for making a
mini-film are talent, a word processor (for writing a good story), at least one
camera, patient actors, props, and a location or locations. If you have an
abundance of all these things than you shouldnt have that much trouble
making a mini or indie film. Now making an actual FILM thats actually
funded and produced. Now thats a different matter entirely.

Hey, why not. Ive been practicing drawing and writing since and early age,
so why not directing also. Better now than later. Im excited to see whats
going to happen with this creative collaboration.

Im pretty sure Ill get to work on all aspects of animation production when
Im in an animation college, from character design, creating, producing,
directing, writing, storyboarding, animating, layout, and backgrounds, to
voice over work, so I dont think Ill have to worry about experimenting
with different production aspects and working in animation.

Making a lot of mini-films might increase my chances of getting into places

like New York University or the University of Southern California, so that
hopefully, when the time comes, itll be easier to get in. I could probably
submit scripts to the colleges as well.

Ive never really liked high school or my day job very much. Basically, what
I do when Im doing both of them is work at a hectic pace as well as put up
with lots of obnoxious people on a day-to-day basis. Its all about putting up
with other peoples crap. Thank the gods I have things like drawing, writing,

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and directing to stop me from going insane from stress. Ill probably go to
bed soon, so that Ill be awake enough to go to my job and stay awake for
the entire time, but I havent had much of a problem with that yet, so that
part wont be hard at all.

I dont like to think of myself as in competition with every other writer and
artist out there, even though a lot of creative people out there are really
trying to get published and sold so that they can get their stuff out there,
even though a lot of them dont have that much true talent. But still, if I
think someones talented and a nice person, I like to see them succeed just as
much as I like to see myself succeed, even though when I succeed, I get
paid, but that doesnt really matter to me all that much. True talented people
are a lot harder to find than many people think. Since Im not one of the
truly talented ones out there (just a hack), I know that there are people out
there who are a lot more talented than me.

God! Do I wish that Frank Cho would be an alternative comic book artist
instead of a cartoonist. Hes a cartoonist, but hes still a much better inker
and character designer than a lot of Indie comic book artists out there. A lot
of independent comic books are nothing but crap. I hate to admit it, but yes
they are. Most indie comic books have so many drawing flaws that its not
even funny. Now every once in a while theyll be a black and white
American comic book gem like Pedro and Me, Liberty Meadows (covers),
Bone, and Strangers in Paradise thats not mainstream, that just makes you
go whoa! as far as art is concerned. I think it all comes down to learning to
see and draw properly. If you do that, not matter what medium you go into
(animation, comic books, cartooning, illustration, and painting), youre
bound to be successful and do what you do well.

As far as careers go, comedian and radio talk show host are at the bottom.
Theres movie stars, sports players, rock stars, Nobel Prize, Pulitzer Prize
and Academy award winners, producers, doctors, agents, directors, writers,
artists, FBI and CIA agents, policemen, teachers, scientists, philosophers,
clerks, pimps, hitmen, strippers, hookers, radio talk show hosts, politicians,
and then theres comedians, listed from most important to least important in

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the public eye. To most people, creative careers arent the most enviable
ones, but to creative people they are.

Last night, I finally wrote that letter to Choi that Ive been meaning to write
for the past couple months, and I finally did.

I didnt draw last night. Tonight, I think Ill read the last journal file or two
that Ive written.

America really is the center of the entertainment world, envied and often
imitated by other countries, and Ill admit that Im glad Ive been born here
and have been given a chance to be part of it. I think theres something about
American culture and entertainment that the rest of the world admires. I
dont know exactly what it is, but I know its there.

I think that comic books are still very popular in America, but theyre still
not completely in the mainstream like television, movies, film, music, comic
strips, magazines and a many books. Its too bad that they dont translate
some Oni and Slave Labor Graphics books into different languages. I think
people in non English speaking countries would get a good kick out of books
like Dork, Milk & Cheese, SQUEE!, JtHM, Gloom Cookie, Hectic Planet,
Clerks, Jay & Silent Bob, Oni Double Feature, Jingle Belle, Grrl Scouts,
Zombie Kid, Blue Monday, Skeleton Key, Geisha, Barry Ween, and
Whiteout. Although I dont see that many people with books or comic books
in this city when Im out in public, I guess that someone must be reading
them, considering the fact that there are so many different titles to choose
from and so many people working in these two publishing industries.
Theres always top-seller lists printed for these two mediums.

My moms talked me into it once again. Im going to draw when I dont feel
like drawing after I work earlier on a weekend day, I got off of work at 3:00
p.m. and its 6:11 p.m. now, so Im going to get to drawing around 6:30
p.m., right before Sound Opinions on 104.1 comes on tonight. And if I finish
early, Ill read one or two of my journal files that Ive written.

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When I write this journal, its not like I ever hope to get it published and
become the next Anne Frank or anything. Anne Frank and Martin Luther
King Jr. are both very important historic figures. One was Jewish and one
was an African American. Both made incredible progress for their races and
religions. Stan Lee, the Beatles, Steven Spielberg, Walt Disney, Chuck
Jones, and Charles M. Chulz are and were all very important and influential
as well. They all have made enormous contributions to modern day society
as we know it. Modern culture might not be the exact same way now if it
werent for them. They paved the way for modern innovators and
visionaries. Ill never compare myself to Chuck Jones. Any genius and stir
in the industry that I manage to create will probably never compare to what
he did. Chuck Jones and the Beatles were so innovative that even to this day,
very few things in music and animation, except for anime and Disney films,
can still compare to the kind of creative accomplishments that theyve
achieved, because theyre really that well done. It may be tough to believe or
comprehend, but its true. Now Id also like to know what influenced them.
Im sure something did. Their visions probably didnt just come out of
nowhere. I have musical, artistic, directorial, writing, humor, moral,
intellectual, and creative influences. Some of them change from time to
time.

Stephen King has written around thirty-six novels, but some other authors
have got him beat. Some authors have written around two hundred novels.

No matter how much respect, recognition, fame and wealth I get, Im still
going to remain anything but snobbish. Ill definitely stay humble, kind,
friendly, somewhat outgoing at times, inventive, original, intelligent,
humorous, and down to earth. I want to have some kind of a good
connection with my audience. Certain things I do will avoid the Hollywood
system all together, so I wont let Hollywood chew me up and spit me out
entirely, even if I might be part of it one day. Im going to hit the drawing
board now, before I get too tired.
A lot of Japanese and American entertainment is flashy and hypnotic, like
many movies, anime, and music videos. I think I have a pretty good idea of

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what American culture is really all about. Id like to have my hand on the
pulse of it when I describe it. Ive lived in this country for over seventeen
years, so Id better have a pretty good idea of what its all about. I think the
two most important parts of drawing are anatomy and perspective. Im still
working on both of these things. I have a lot more gesture, contour, layout
and character design drawings to do until Im at a very proficient level.

Being able to draw people accurately in different sizes and proportions is

very important.

Ive counted all the books that I own and want to buy. If I buy all the books
on my list and add them onto all the books I already have, Ill have
somewhere around 170 books. Now thats a library! I dont know where Id
put them all. Actually I also have over 300 comic books strong and growing.
As for CDs, I have around 83. Ill probably have a big collection of DVDs
and maybe videos one day. I already own a lot of magazines. As you can
see, I love books, movies and comic books a lot. If I had cable, Id have all
the cable and premium cable channels, like HBO, Cinemax and Showtime.
Video games are always good, too. This isnt going to count the endless
amount of drawings and written pages that Ive done and am going to do in
the future. Ive decided that Im also determined to get into the television
and movie industry, no matter how fucking long it takes me to accomplish.
Now there are two good places for me to go sketching people. The
bookstore, and some city table areas. I actually like going out in public and
sketching different people. Its fun and challenging at the same time.
Anatomy drawing classes, Borders, Park Avenue, gesture drawings, and
anatomy books are all going to be very important to me for me to get a good
portfolio together, so that I can present it to the California Institute of the
Arts, SVA, and NYU. So for practice towards all my crafts Im doing
gesture drawings, journal entries, illustrations, comic book pages, and
probably mini-films in the near future if the collaboration with Stephen ends
up working out well.
When I grow up, Im going to do in a workday what every creative persona
would love to do in one work day. Jerk off, drink beer, spend a couple hours
at the word processor in my laptop, draw in my sketchpads for a couple
hours, play videogames, watch anime videos and movies, read comics and
books, drink Diet Pepsi, and meditate, and if I have time, drive around town,

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surf the internet for research. This is no joke. I might at one point in my
career when Im working in novel writing and indie comics, be able to
actually do all these things in a day or couple days and get paid decent
money for it every couple of weeks or months. If this ever were to happen,
Id feel guilty for having such an easy, non-stressful job.

Ive just recently noticed that a lot of big name entertainment celebrities
seem to be going on the internet to let their work get out. Tim Burton, Stan
Lee, John Kricfalusi, and Stephen King, and I think each of them has
revealed just how much of a lack of talent they just might have. And besides
when each of them went working on the Internet, they already had a ton of
extra money, so they probably didnt do it for the money, except maybe Stan
Lee.

All right. Thats enough joking around. Its time to get to work. But first I
have to think of something to write about. I just bought an issue of Powers,
about cops who investigate superhero homicides, written by Brian Michael
Bendis. I like it. Its just what I expected. The artwork, in my opinion, is
shitty (I could draw better, and Im not just saying that to brag), but the
writing is superb. Any writer in comic books who has enough freedom and
creativity to use the word Git, especially on a fellow comic book writer,
but not in a vulgar and racist way, I admire. Thanks Brian. You have my
envy now. Warren Ellis and Brian Michael Bendis are definitely among my
ranks of favorite comic book writers. Theyre up there with Alan Moore,
Neil Gaiman, Kevin Smith, Terry Moore, Frank Millar, and Garth Ennis.

I call artists who write, but really dont do it that well Artists trying to be
writers. Ones that can draw a pretty picture but cant write a complex
fiction story to save their lives.
About writing a book. There are three different very important aspects of
writing a novel. Double spacing the lines of the manuscript to fit the
manuscript guidelines for most publishers, the advance, and the query letter.
But actually getting the novel written is the most important part. Ive learned
a lot about selling an animated series and pitching it as well. Im also
learning about submitting creator owned comic book series to publishers and

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getting hired as a writer, penciller or inker. And lets not forget about selling
a screenplay and directing rights as well as actual screenplay writing and
directing. So lets see. Ive learned how to get a book published; sell, write
and direct a film; create an animated series; and create a comic book series. I
want to know how to submit, pitch and sell something now, so that when the
time comes, it might be easier to get my ideas made into something. Ive
also been learning and will continue to learn basic writing and drawing.
Directing I can practice now, but I dont have to really try to do it seriously
until later. I still dont have a clue about producing, though.

If Zounds ended up getting animated after it was published as an

independent comic, than I think that it would look the best as either a feature
film in the mature manner of Fritz the Cat, or a television series on the
Sci-Fi Channel. In Zounds, besides good artwork and good writing, I want to
have elements of action adventure, humor, horror, drama, suspense, mystery,
artistic expressionism, tragedy, and science fiction. Im going to sit down
and plan each story arc and monthly issue page per page, letter column,
color cover, and side column, before I lay out a single page of artwork.

I just read that the comic book Strangers in Paradise has 4.5 million readers
and its read all over the world. For a self-published black and white comic
book, thats amazing. Just fucking amazing!

I also let Stephen Hill borrow my screenplay writing book by Syd Field, so I
have to remember to get that book back from him eventually. He also
showed me a catalogue for an excellent acting school, and if I remember
correctly, its called The American Academy of Dramatic theatre, or
something of that nature. It has the highest alumni success ratio in the world.

I would like to get into acting, eventually, but as far as working in film is
concerned, directing and writing are my first priorities. Acting is secondary
to these two things. Today is the day Im buckling down and working for a
lot of time each day to draw portfolio pieces damn well, and draw
everything else as well. Im typing early for an hour or two, but just for an
hour or two, even though I should draw first, and them Im going to spend

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all night drawing. Probably a couple hours, hopefully for more than an hour.
Actually its going to take me more than an hour to lay out this smoking man
drawing once again. Phil thought is was good, but it didnt look real enough
and there wasnt enough research behind the smoke, and the perspective on
the lady was off, so hes having me draw it again, which upset me at first,
but then I realized that this is a portfolio piece Im working on, so this is
probably going to be one of, if not the most import drawing Im ever going
to do.

Im going to get to work drawing soon, so that hopefully, eventually instead

of writing If I get rich and famous, Ill be writing Now that Im rich and
famous.. instead. It can happen if I spend more time drawing. But Phil
was right when he said You only get ideas for drawing if youre at the
drawing desk. I drew tonight for a while. I could have drawn all the way
until I go to bed, but I decided not to. Im optimistic and Im sure I can do it
another day in which I have some extra time.

There are some comic book writers out there who can crank out a couple
different titles a month. Writers like Alan Moore, Warren Ellis, Kevin
Smith, Paul Dini, Garth Ennis, Stan Lee, Neil Gaiman, and Brian Michael
Bendis. Im not sure if Brian Azzerello can do this, but he probably can. Any
writer who can write more than one comic book of decent quality a month
while putting all of them out on time I envy. Of course, if I was a full time
writer and I was working in comic books at the time, Id aim for being able
to crank out a couple titles a month as well, just as Id aim to write one novel
a year. As for art, I want to be consistent at that also. Mad props to me, yo.
Im keeping it real up in the field, of comics that is. I write this journal as an
electric powered candle illuminates the back corner of the room that I write
in. Its making my body cast a translucent shadow on the wall next to this
computer. It truly is a beautiful ambiance. I think I might be able to also
write a couple screenplays a year. Im not really worried about running out
of ideas, because if I make a conscious effort to do so, or use clustering, Ill
most likely always come up with new ideas. Im getting closer to my
twentieth journal file. Writing screenplays and scripts, as far as Im
concerned is easier and less time consuming than writing a full on novel. Im
not a genius. Id get cocky if I thought I was, and I probably wouldnt end
up working as hard as I already do. Right now, I have my portfolio to work
on, this journal, illustrations for the literary magazine, my job, writers group,

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lessons, responding to mail, and the film that Im working on with Stephen.
Im surprised that I havent burned myself out yet, with all these things to
do. My secret to doing all this hard work is that I dont think about it too
much, I just do it, often without giving it a second thought.

My world of security and structure is beginning to crumble at my feet. When

I get older, Im sure a lot of the writing I do in my journals will be replaced
by drawing and writing that I get paid for. Ive done a couple interesting
things. Ive started work on what will become my first film, and Ive
disappeared from Lyman high school without a trace, which is kind of
weird, but relieving nonetheless. I like being able to disappear off the face of
the earth completely. Ive done that with my radio talk show caller voices as
well. I havent called Real Radio in quite a while, and neither has Uncle
Sam, Jackie Chan, Mr. Boogle, or Robbie the Robot, although Im sure some
listeners miss my caller characters, even though they dont know who the
hell I am in person. Im on a mission to conquer the world and then
completely disown it or be hidden from it, but its not as easy to do when
youre a celebrity. I dont like being in the public eye and in the limelight. It
can actually be dangerous being a celebrity in the public eye. Just look at
Stephen King and David Letterman. Each of their homes got broken into by
deranged fans. And David Spade got attacked with a taser by a person he
thought was a close friend. Its probably not any easier being a celebrity than
it is being a regular person. People probably get all gushy and intimidated
when they meet you face to face in person. Im sure Ill rise to power, but
eventually become a washed up old hack too one day, who people say has
lost his touch. Actually, if you have a smaller audience at first, but then get a
huge audience, Im sure people say youve lost your touch then too, Im
guessing.

I like a lot of different comic books. My favorite publishers and or the ones I
consider the best are Image, Vertigo, Marvel, Dark Horse, Americas Best
Comics, Slave Labor Graphics, and Oni. My favorite titles right now are
Powers, Blade of the Immortal, Transmetropolitan, Strangers in Paradise,
Liberty Meadows, Top 10, Preacher, Punisher, The Red Star, and Animerica
Extra.
If you want to see something really scary, forget Stephen King. Watch an
episode of Say What? Karaoke all the way through. Now thats scary!

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Youre watching people butcher something, only theyre not butchering

other humans, theyre butchering songs.

Ill admit it. The ending of the Leaf Season story Im writing has brought me
to tears of sympathy at one point or another.

There are four or seven states that I want to visit and possibly live in when I
get older, especially two of them. They are California, New York,
Philadelphia, Boston, Illinois, Michigan and Washington. Maybe Maine too.
If I was primarily being a novelist, Id live in Philadelphia, Maine or Boston.
Thats the thing. If you stay in New York for too long, itll make you hard.
But if you stay in California for too long, itll make you soft. When I visit
colleges, Im sure Ill get to see at least a little bit of both of them. I cant
wait to go visiting colleges! Im going to have to adjust to drawing more
than writing now, so that I dont go a little crazy when Im in an art college.
I have to be prepared in case things dont turn out the way that I want them
to turn out. Im pretty sure Ill be happy working in animation. Its
challenging. Thats for sure. When I get into college, Im going to have to
spend most of my time behind the drawing desk, which is what I started
doing yesterday to prepare myself. I was at the drawing desk for around
three hours yesterday, and Im very proud of myself for taking that first
important step. Every day that Im not working, Im planning on spending at
least two or three hours at the drawing desk a day, because if I dont start
now, its going to be too late. The next day I have off, Im going to layout
the guy in the portfolio piece once again.

Ive found out about two new authors, who Im most likely going read books
by eventually. I think their names are Bret Easton Ellis (American Psycho),
and Douglas Adams (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy).

I look at the Madonna portrait and many other of my more recent drawings,
and I think These must have been drawn by someone else other then
myself, because theyre just so damn good, and in the future theyll probably
get even better. I think the same thing about my writing. I think it must
have been written by some entirely different writer, because its been

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looking a lot better lately. I have this kind of flow going. Im not sure if its
a rhythm, but its definitely a good flow and a fairly decent amount of
writing done almost every day, and its probably from reading Writing the
Natural way.

When I grow up, my goal is to write, draw, direct and edit (doing one or two
per day) for ten hours a day. If I worked five days a week, than that would
be fifty hours a week. Ill be sitting down, fortunately. Im already working
nine hour days at Goodings, occasionally, and having drawing take the place
of bagging groceries cant be all that bad. It doesnt even seem like real
work, even though it is. Ill be working so hard that I probably wont take
much time to relax or spend the money that Ill earn. I still see problems in
the grammar and proper spacing of paragraphs in my writing, but Ill just
have to work that out through practice.

Just as Stephen King took the horror out of Castles and desolate places and
put it right next door, I plan to take Sci-Fi, weirdness, and fantasy out of
parallel dimension and outer space, so that I can place it right in cities and
neighborhoods, among other places, some average, some not so average,
which will definitely not be the easiest thing in the world to do, but if I dont
create this type of fiction, then who will. Not many. Of that Im certain. Id
like to have a very unique vision. In a way, I always kind of have been a
visionary, like Tim Burton. His drawings arent always the best, but they are
some of the most unique, and you have to respect the vision behind them. I
absolutely love creative visionaries, and have always wanted to be one of
them. I think when my execution gets up to par, Ill have a better chance of
becoming the type of things Ive wanted to be ever since I was in middle
school.

I just saw about four or seven minutes of Sheep in the Big City, and its quite
possibly the worst cartoon Ive ever seen in my life. The character designs
are discombobulated, askew and very crude looking. Theyre the worst. And
the writing is just as bad. I cant believe people are actually getting paid a lot
of money to work on shit like this. And I thought rocket power was bad. I
think childrens animation and comic strips are in a kind of pathetic, near
death state, which is why I think Id want to take my shot at trying to at least

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partially revive and revolutionize them, with my idea for a fantasy childrens
show. I think thats just what childrens programming needs is something
original and unique.

I would like to direct music videos at one point in my career as well, but I
dont know if thatll ever happen. Todd McFarlane seems to be able to do it
very well. I thought Pearl Jams Do The Evolution video, and Korns
Freak On a Leash video were excellent. I wish I had those on tape.

When I think of what type of animation director/creator I might be, I usually

think of myself as Chuck Jones meets Matt Groening meets John K. meets
Mamoru Oshii. I cant even remember the last time I was deeply satisfied by
an American made animated television show, unless you count the
syndicated Chuck Jones cartoons I saw not too long ago. Now Ill admit
those left me deeply satisfied. Season one of the Spawn animated show, after
I saw it on video quenched my thirst for quality, but that was a long time
ago, and it was on HBO, so I had to watch it on video. My ultimate goal is to
create something, it can be anything, that people will walk away from
satisfied. Stephen King makes amazing beginnings, middles and climaxes,
but his endings and resolutions could probably use some work, because
usually he just has the characters recovering from whats happened to them.
M. Night Shyamalan can create wonderful endings. I think the Sixth Sense
had one of the best (surprise and all around) endings in movie history.

Ive just realized that many of the best writers in the business are also able to
draw too. Will Eisner, Alan Moore, Paul Dini, J.K. Rowling, and Terry
Moore. They can all draw as well as write. Many of the best writers are also
British, even though a lot of them are American.

I had a surreal day today right before I went to work. I my mom and I almost
got in a car accident when she was driving me to work. When we were
stopped at a red light, behind another car. A van was trying to get across and
go past us, but from out of nowhere its tire exploded and popped, making it
veer uncontrollably towards its left side. We could hear it screeching, and
before we even realized what was happening, the van smashed right into the

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left side of the bumper on the car in front of us, pushing the car in front of
us, almost making the car smash into moms van and destroying both the car
and other vans front ends. The crash came so close to us that the back
bumper of the womens car was about a foot away from moms front
bumper when it miraculously stopped. The gods must have been smiling
upon me earlier today. There was a gas leak, but my mother drove me
around the accident, nearly avoiding causing another accident going into the
other lane, so that she could get me to work, even though we already were a
few minutes late. When they got the people out of the white van and car, the
two people in the van seem distraught. I think one of them was kind of
injured, and the girl that was in the car, who was actually quite attractive,
was crying and sobbing uncontrollably. They had her sit down on the
sidewalk near the street, until the ambulance, police cars, and fire truck
arrived. When I was at work, I kept walking outside of the store into the
parking lot to see what was happening between Winter Park Drive and Red
Bug Road, where the accident took place.

If I had my own house, and it was big, Id decorate it in an offbeat sort of

way, paint it, make parts of it a kind of in-home studio, and generally make
it look different and cool with a creative atmosphere. It would look a lot
more funky than the house Im living in now with my parents, but its my
parents house, so I dont mind them doing to it what they please. I might
have pets. A fireplace and wide screen television would be nice, too.

If you have a job that involves drawing, in a typical workday, you probably
end up drawing a lot more than just what youre assigned to draw, even
though youre primarily working on the assignment or project.

Ten minutes left until I hit the drawing table. I dont know what Im going to
draw, but Ill decide what itll be when I get there. I have plenty of time left
until bedtime, so if I just sit at my drawing desk for the first hour doing
nothing but deciding what to draw and doing research, that will be okay with
me. If Im in a studio or classroom, I dont have a choice. I have to draw and
put a lot of effort into it, but Im sure its not as hard as it seems at first.
When I begin working as an artist professionally, which starts in college,
Im going to be at different drawing pads and desks at all hours of the day

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and night. I guess time is up. Its drawing time, and Im not coping out early
this time. If I want to rest or channel surf here and there, than I can, but no
using the word processor for the next couple hours, no matter what kind of
verbal and literary ideas I think up.

Im just taking a quick break from drawing for a little bit, but fortunately the
drawing and writing Ive been doing today has evened out. Ive been at the
drawing desk for an hour, I was at the word processor for about a little less
than an hour, and I think Im going to draw for another hour until I go to
bed. Its good to know that my thirst for new comic talent and comic book
series that Ive just discovered has been quenched. I think there are just two
writers who Ive heard about who I want to check out comics by. They are
Greg Rucka (a novelist whos written Whiteout), and Brian Azzerello, who
writes 100 Bullets. Whiteout and 100 Bullets both look very interesting, and
I dont want to buy them for the art. I want to buy them for the writing. I
bought Powers because of its writing, and I was pleasantly surprised as to
how extremely well written this comic really is. I also love the mystery and
atmosphere of powers. Its dark and gritty, and in this particular case, I love
it. Kind of like watching the movie Seven. Im now a huge Brian Michael
Bendis fan, as well as Terry Moore, Frank Cho, and Warren Ellis fan. I
snatch up every issue of Powers, Blade of The Immortal, Strangers In
Paradise, Bone, Oh My Goddess, and Liberty Meadows that I can find, and
believe me, I usually have to drive all over town to find back issues of these
comic books, but it is so worth it.

But anyway, I like Bottled water. I know the names of some of the different
brands. Actually, I know the names of most of them. Zephyrhills, Saratoga,
Evian (I think thats how you spell it), Dasani. I love all of them. When Im
an adult, Ill probably know beer as well as I know bottled water.

When I get older, Ill probably own one or two versions of the American
Heritage Dictionary, and one copy of the Slang Dictionary. I have to keep
current on my slang. I am a writer after all.

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So lets see. What to do with my hair? Should I go bald or dye it the color
blonde. HA! Just kidding. Im definitely going to try to grow a beard,
goatee, and mustache with sideburns included. I also plan to lose a lot more
weight and become thinner than I am now, no matter how long it takes.

I think the truth is that you shouldnt sit down to write a bestseller. Because
if you try to do that, youll probably end up failing, and be disappointed with
yourself. When I sit down to write my first novel, Ill simply do my best and
do nothing less than that. My only real true goal in novel writing is writing a
book that Im pleased with, and maybe to live comfortably also. If other
people are pleased with it also, than great, but Im not really trying
enormously to please other people.

In the past, I dont know why I tried so hard to be someone else other than
myself. When I write I dont put on a front. What I write is really what Im
thinking. Yes my mind really is this weird. I could seem pretty normal and
down to earth to people who havent seen my work and ideas. I dont know
if I want to preach to the demented. If I keep writing in this journal like this,
pretty soon Im not going to get my portfolio accepted by anyone and Im
not going to be able to sell any ideas and make very much money. I might
just have my journal and the drawing desk, and thats it. No royalty checks,
advance, fans, national publicity, syndication, fame, fortune, renown or
anything like that. Just me and myself.

Im listening to the Travis CD that my father let me have a while ago

because he didnt like it, but I love it. I think this is perfect relaxation and
weekend music. Often when Im at work, I wish myself and imagine myself
being home, listening to this CD, watching Toonami while raindrops, that
are visible through the window, fall outside of the house, creating a kind of
melon collie atmosphere that I seem to love so much recently.

As for acting, when youre reading dialogue lines and rehearsing them. Try
to say many of the lines and read them over many times. Try using different
emphasis and rhythm on the same line for variety.

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Everything I touch turns to gold. If I said that, than Id be bullshitting

myself. My standard of writing and drawing, as well as what books, comic
books, television shows, animation, and movies should be is very high,
compared to many other people, which is probably one of the reasons Im
going to go to college at least once, if not three times. Im not going to
submit any big idea projects until Im done with school completely. That
way I dont have to make my audience wait until Im done going back to
school, for me to release another project. The designs I did for the vets
office, from what it seems, is getting ripped off left and right by independent
animation people and other graphic advertising designers who are probably
making a lot more than I am. I dont mind, but their versions are so much
more mindless than mine that it makes me sick. Im just waiting to see what
artist is going to try to imitate my vision next. If I really am getting ripped
off, at least that proves that my vision is decent enough to make other people
want to copy it and do exactly the same thing. That just proves that I truly
am original. Now if someone steals one of my ideas and makes a million
dollars or more off of it, and Im still making zilch, than I think I might
consider suing, even though I want to sue these dickheads who are stealing
my design style, if I have one at all, that is. I dont even think I have a style
yet, actually. People copied my radio talk show caller style as well, which I
thought was pretty funny, because I dont think they did it as well as I did.
When I did the Jackie Chan call on Real Radio, which is now the number
one rated radio station in the state of Florida, but was rated number four
around the time I called, I turn around and next thing I know, everyone is
calling up the show with oriental accents, and thats probably because the
idea was funny, until everyone started doing it. I guess thats what happens
when your ideas are out there. Its good to know Ive inspired other people
though, and that all my creativity hasnt gone to waste. Its happened to John
K., its happened to Todd McFarlane, its happened to Stephen King, its
happened to Eminem and its happened to Howard Stern, so I guess if I truly
am going to be successful, why wouldnt it happen to me also. I guess that
just means Im popular, because usually when youre popular and
successful, someone out there will try to make a quick and easy buck by
trying to imitate your style, because they see how popular it is. The only
thing is that Im not even that popular and already Im probably getting
ripped off.

Shit! Im running out of time I have left before I have to draw.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 19

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December 2000

I dont think that Im going to watch television at all tonight. Im just going
to write (which is what Im doing now), draw, and read. I have a lot of
things to read. Comic books and books primarily. Im trying to read three
books at once as of now. I just added a new book. Its called When the
Legends Die. The only thing is that I have a bad tendency to go out and buy
or read new books when Im in the middle of reading another one.

Right now Im guzzling down water bottles and taking shots from them. Im
beginning to feel very full. I wonder how many books Stephen King reads
per year. Im betting that he not only writes a lot but reads a lot as well. I
ought to make a list of all the books and stories Ive read, so I can remember
what Ive read, and which ones were my favorites. I really liked To Kill a
Mockingbird and Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone. I know Ive read
more books than these though. Two books that King has written, where he
talks about good books, are On Writing and Dance Macabre. I definitely
want to read more books by Nick Hornby and Tess Gerritson, as well as the
novel Fight Club. Im sure High Fidelity and Fight Club will have somewhat
of an influence on my writing, if theyre any good. I also want to read a lot,
or at least some books on the Civil War, the Holocaust, the Vietnam War,
international history and geography, as well as on World War II. Of course
Im going to have to research on people, places, pop culture and the
paranormal. Thats the four Ps.

I think I drank too much water. I feel like Im going to vomit.

This is good. It appears as if the number of journal pages Ive written are
approaching a very high number. Thats a hell of a lot of pages. Im going to
shut up and draw now, like I should have done a while ago. If I was writing
a novel right now instead of writing in these journals, than I probably would
have finished the first draft of the manuscript by now. Actually if all these
lines were double spaced, Id have been able to write one huge novel or two
to three small novels by now, since it would be about six to eight hundred
pages that Ive written in these journals so far, and its only been a little less

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than a year and a half that Ive been writing in these computer journals for.
At least I know what Im going to draw tonight. Im going to work on the
layout for the smoke lady, and rework it and rework it, until its perfect.

Lets see. For bizarre and creative television shows, theres The Twilight Zone, The Outer
Limits, Twin Peaks, The X-Files, Malcolm in the Middle, and The Sopranos. For writers,
theres Ray Bradbury, Harlan Ellison, Richard Matheson, Jack Finney, Peter Straub,
Anne Rice, Tess Gerritson, and Anne River Siddons. These arent counting the other
authors Ive heard of, which include J.D. Salinger, Joyce Carol Oates, Nick Hornby,
Chuck Palahniuk, J.G. Ballard, H.P. Lovecraft, Bret Easton Ellis, Douglas Adams, Steve
Aylett, Alex Garland, John Irving, Frank McCourt, Naeem Murr, Thomas Harris, and
C.S. Lewis.

This is amazing! In the past year and two, three or so months that Ive been
writing in these computer journal files, Ive written about 401 pages, and if
everything was double spaced, it would probably be 801 pages. This is good
to know that I could have finished a big novel by now, if thats what I was
working on, but its not. Its the portfolio. I still find it amazing and
impressive that Ive written over 400 pages in less than a year and a half at
the age of seventeen. In three or four years, or at the age of nineteen or
twenty, if I were to keep writing at this consistency, Id have over a
thousand journal pages written. Since the past year a few months have gone
by, I havent gone without a decent amount of drawing work as well.

I went to my writers group yesterday, and I told them that Id bring in an

article from Rolling Stone next time that I really liked. I think that theyll
like it. And also, since the next session isnt until the first Tuesday of
January, 2001, Im sure that will be plenty of time to think up something to

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write, write it well, revise it, and bring it in next time I go to writers group.
At 7:00 oclock tonight, Im going to get my ass to the drawing table and
draw for at least one, two or three hours. Its tough for me to believe that it
would only take me a year to write a 600 to 800 page book, but just because
I probably can, doesnt mean that I have to. If the story says that it needs to
be 750 pages long when Im half way through it, than who am I to argue
with a plot and my own writings? Mrs. Hunter, at school calls me an evil
genius, which is a thing I for one would consider a compliment. The cool
thing about Stephen King is that he uses cool looking fonts for many of his
novels, which is a thing I want to do with my novels. That way the novel
isnt just fun to read and get into, but its also fun to look at when youre
browsing through the pages. The thing about me is that unlike many
novelists, I can somehow picture myself doing many other things other than
writing novels, even though thats one of the things Im most passionate
about and that I do best. Im better at writing than I am at inking, but I hope
to change that one day. I do plan to practice with and use every decent
ability that I have. Ask me Why Id do that, and I cant really say. I can
only mutter a half-inspired response, saying that I enjoy all of them, so why
wouldnt I do all of them, especially if I can do all of them at least somewhat
well.

Well! Now that I have a bazillion new authors, comic book writers, artists,
and directors to pay patronage to, I think Im going to be rather busy.
However, the drawing comes first, before the writing, before reading, before
everything except school and maybe my job.

I just got a call from Grandma (dads mom), and she call to check up on how
things are doing. I told her like usual. She proudly displays a copy of the
drawings I did for the Vets sign in her apartment rooms somewhere, and
she tells me that whenever people walk in and see the sign, they say Oh my
god! Did your grandson do that?? and she tells them Yeah. This made me
smile when she told me this and it still makes me smile when I think about it
now. I hope I get a chance to visit her again in her apartment sometime in
the near future. Id like to get a chance to visit her. And she hasnt even seen
my most recent work. I actually think as far as skill goes, Ive outgrown
those illustrations, even though Im still very proud of them.

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Its 7:07 at night right now, so that means Im going to have to get to the
drawing table before I get too worn out and tired, even though I am a bit late
already. I always like to think that my newest work probably outshines my
older work (For instance: My Madonna drawing outshines my Vets office
sign, and the portfolio piece Im working on will outshine the Madonna
portrait, and my published work will outshine all of these things, etc., etc.).
That way Ill always keep my audience wanting more. Like Ive stated
before. Im always trying to reinvent myself, as far as skill and ingenuity are
concerned. Once I graduate from Center Academy and college, theres no
stopping me then. I have a very decent knowledge of creativity, writing,
drawing, and directing now. One day I might be talented enough that it
would scare people. I still do shitty work.

I foresee a lot of gesture drawing, contours, proportion measuring, figure

drawing, perspective drawing and portrait drawing in my future. I mean
college and after college. I know if I spend enough hours at the drawing
table, I can get up to Glen Keanes level of skill at animating. Glen Keane,
Pat Lee, Chuck Jones, and Burne Hogarth are all artistic geniuses. I want to
be an artistic genius. Actually, theres probably no such thing as creative
genius as well as perfection. I drew for about an hour and thirty minutes
tonight, working on that portfolio piece, doing layout. Im very pleased with
the way the revision is turning out. Everyone tells me Im doing very well
creatively, but Im still uncertain of my ability.

I get all kinds of weird things in the mail nowadays. In the past Ive gotten
musicians magazines, beer catalogues, and now I just go a flyer for a thing
called the Game Developers Conference, thats being held on March 20-24,
2001. The words printed on the cover say Innovation. Interaction.
Inspiration. Sound to me like a genius convention. Id love to go. The only
problem is that its being held in San Jose, California, which makes me
wonder why it was sent to me, and that it costs hundreds of dollars to get in.
Maybe after Im successful in animation, comic books, film, literature,
illustration, and script writing, than I can sit back and learn how to become a
videogame developer, therefore fulfilling my childhood dream of designing
videogames. Id want to design fantasy and action-adventure games. Video
game developers can make quite a decent amount of money, though, but so
can many other people.

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I saw some cool new comic books that Ill probably buy eventually, which I
havent read any issues of yet. They are Soul Saga, Midnight Nation, Dead
Enders, Kin, E.V.E., the Planetary, Outlaw Nation, 100 Bullets and
Whiteout. If I was rich and already had read the comics that I already own,
Id probably buy a lot of these new titles. Theres also Battle Chasers,
Fantastic Four and the Punisher, which I dont have enough issues of. The
thing with comics and books is that so many new ones come out each month
that it can be somewhat challenging just to find something that you like
which doesnt suck in your eyes. Im kind of going through a phase where
Im just kind of browsing the aisles, just trying to find something or
someone new and really cool to read that I havent heard of yet. And to
think, the only thing I used to buy would be Stephen King and Michael
Chrichton books, Spawn, Bone, Preacher, Kevin Smith, J.V. and Jim
Mahfood comic books. What I read now is completely different. Some
people say no one reads books or comic books anymore. I think thats
bullshit. There are still many millions of people out there that read books
and comic books each month. Theyre no different than CDs, DVDs,
Movies, videogames and television. Anime and comic books are all over the
internet. There are still a lot of people trying to break into publishing that
havent gotten in yet. To get into publishing art and writing, it truly does
give you an advantage if youre talented. A lot of creative people think they
have more talent than they really do, but I dont think that theyre really
being honest with themselves when they critique their own work or someone
else does. They cant handle being told by someone else that theyre not
talented, dont know the business side of things, or dont know their craft
well enough. How can you critique other people if you dont even know how
to do your own thing well enough? The answer is that you cant. And thats
when you know you have to practice a lot and learn everything you can.
Theres people out there that have a ton of good ideas and visions, but
simply dont know how to execute them very well, so that the final product
looks as good as the original idea. I used to be one of those people. But now
I have enough knowledge and skill that I can fulfill at least a few of my
visions. I have to go to group tonight, so Im going to have to start drawing
early today. 4:30 sounds good, which is in ten minutes, so Ill do it then.
Thats plenty of time to fill up the rest of this page. I think Im going to stop
watching television all together. I can imagine how much better my drawing,
reading ability and writing will be if I do that. I havent done a clustering
exercise yet or a contour drawing in a while. Im also going to make a note

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to start renting audio books from the library once again. I like audio books. I
think one of the best audio books Ive heard was the audio book version of
The Green Mile series. Id want to get some audio books on learning how to
improve my vocabulary, even though its pretty damn good already.

It appears the election, and the recounting has ended, Al Gore made a speech
of secession, and Bush is going to be the new president of the United States,
taking Bill Clintons place in 2001 or maybe this month of 2000.

Before I know it, Ill be twenty one, drinking beer and holding down a
steady full-time job as whatever. I dont know what Ill be doing full time,
but whatever it is, it has to be able to provide me with enough money to
make a living. Ill probably be working in animation as an animator by then
at Disney Feature, Film Roman, Warner Brothers, Nickelodeon, or some
other company like that. It would certainly be nice to be making 100K up
front, but I seriously doubt that will happen when I first start out, no matter
how fucking talented I am. While Im working in animation, Ill practice my
comic book, layout and illustration abilities, so that Ill be able to have
another portfolio to present to Joe Kuberts school of cartooning. And dont
think that having a prerequisite of graduation from the California Institute of
the Arts could hurt me much either.

I just finished looking at the UK Amazon website, and besides seeing some
bizarre things on the bestseller book list (like The Harry Potter Calendar)
and that Harry Potter was amazingly popular in the United Kingdom, I saw
what kinds of bands that I like are popular in the UK. Some of them
included Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Eminem, Moby, Bon Jovi, Dr.
Dre, Britney Spears (whom I dont like), and eels. They love The Simpsons
and possibly Who Wants to be a Millionaire? in the United Kingdom.

I guess that theres no accounting for the worlds taste. Whos to say whats
right and whats wrong as far as taste, style and fashion are concerned, even
though the US is often a world leader in all of these things, except taste.
Harry Potter and the Beatles are popular all around the world, but they both
originated in the UK. I dont know if I could adjust to living in a different

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country. Things are so different overseas, and even in Canada. Although I

would definitely like to visit them every so often. Now that I see all the other
creative people out there, who am I to contribute to the entertainment
industry and become an international superstar. Ive prayed for something
similar to that before, but it probably aint gonna happen. Actually,
nowadays, one never knows. If you have the talent, who knows how far you
can go until you actually become successful.

I dont know if Ill ever live up to Alan Moore, Chuck Jones, Alfred
Hitchcock, Steven Spielberg, or Charles Dickens level of quality, but Im
going to try my damndest. I try not to think of it that way. I try to live up to
my own standard that Ive created and make that standard as high as I
possibly can make it, which will hopefully be higher than most other writers,
directors, artists and visionaries. I must know the basic rules of writing and
drawing better than most other artists and writers. That also means
practicing more than most people, hard work and meeting deadlines, no
matter how many all-nighters it takes you.

Ive been practicing my crafts for a while now and have come to a decision.
Its about my art. The simple fact is that getting into an art school will not be
a problem. I have enough talent that I definitely know Im getting into an art
school. The thing is that its all a matter of which art school. A one thats
totally unqualified, a one thats just so-so, or a top flight one. Im aiming for
a top flight one, but its all a matter of how much I practice from now until I
graduate from Center, and how hard Im willing to work as well as how hard
I do work. I have no doubt that Im going to work very hard. Ive already
started, but I need to work harder than ever, otherwise theres no way in Hell
that Im going to get into a company like Disney Feature or even Marvel. I
can sell all the novels that I want, but Id get into Disney when hell froze
over. I have to have something to fall back on like art, in case I only end up
selling twelve copies of a published idea I worked on. Okay. Now Im
thinking realistically. Now and whenever I draw, because I cant get into art
school if I dont draw.

I think Jinnel, my brothers girlfriend, feels that Im neglecting her. I think

this because I passed up the chance to play cards with Jinnel, mom and

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Andrew so that I could type on this computer. Im going to play cards with
them next time. I need to stop neglecting my responsibilities. Jesus Christ!
What the hell am I doing? Ive already written over 400 pages in under a
half at the age of 17. Just how much more do I need to write? Why do I
continue to write when I could be drawing? I think Im going to have to do
something about this, so for the next one, two, three or even four weeks after
Christmas, Im going to go on a hiatus from my journal writing so that I can
devote more time to my drawing. My drawing ability is my child that Ive
been neglecting too often. I can read my journals, but I cant write in them,
unless something very important happens to me. Its not going to be easy at
first, but I know I can adjust. This way its just going to be drawing, reading,
and going to my job.

One thing I dont think I could be is an inventor. I wonder if there actually

are any geniuses who invent entire revolutionary scientific and biological
theories in their minds out of nowhere. I wonder if people like Albert
Einstein and Leonardo Da Vinci really were geniuses. The thing is that if I
really did believe in geniuses, than because of some of the things I observe
myself thinking up and thinking, Id probably think of myself as some kind
of a genius. Actually, I did invent a new genre of fiction (modern
paranormal fantasy suspense), I have thought up hundreds of different ideas
that are both small and big, typed over four hundred single spaced pages in
less than a year and a half, have a good vocabulary, have created three
different series, I can switch to different styles of drawing and writing and
the majority of them are unconventional, and I know many of the drawing
and writing basics. The only reason Im typing in this journal now is because
Im somewhat bored. I think Ill go read. Ive noticed that most television
animation isnt anywhere near being at the level of true art. Not when I
watch that Sheep in The Big City show anyways. If theres anything I want,
its for my work to be in the spotlight and myself to out of it. If I do
something, no matter what it is, I want to be able to do it well.

Five books a month. Top 10, Promethea, Tomorrow Stories, The League of
Extraordinary Gentlemen, and Tom Strong, and every single one of them is
outstanding. I cant believe Alan Moore writes five books a month and still
manages to make them quality comic books as well as getting nominated for
Eisner Awards.

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I should have been a rock star. Im trying to go into the wrong careers.
Novelist, artist, animator, script writer, film director, illustrator, comic book
artist? Oh please! The world admires rock stars. The world doesnt look up
to and admire people in the publishing industry.

When I take on writing seriously, Im going to look up and memorize as

many new complex English and slang words as I can each week. Ill do that
and a lot of reading, but this is most likely going to be after four years of
education at CalArts, if I go there, that is, and possibly after cartooning and
film school. But while Im doing these things Ill probably be working on a
couple novels so that Ill have them ready for submission to publishers. Yes,
I know thats a smart move on my behalf. I dont know if Im an artistic or
literary genius, but at least I can draw and write well. I can draw and think in
three dimensions as well as write with honesty, complexity and depth. Five
years from now, I hope my writing becomes five times better than it is now,
and ten years from now, I hope that its ten times better. Ditto on the
drawing.

I looked at the Amazon.com United Kingdom website once again (you know
me. Im fascinated by other countries), and noticed something peculiar. All
of top 100 bestseller videos of feature films, not counting direct to videos
and television show videos, were videos of American movies. There was not
one single British movie video on that list. So I guess some countries are
right when they say that the United States is a world leader in film.

For now, Im just sitting on a computer chair in this nearly pitch black
computer room, looking through foggy glasses trying to see the computer
screen that Im writing on. On the desk is an Audiophase portable CD player
with a Travis disc set on PLAY, a stack of about eight CD cases, a can of
Diet Pepsi which I sip occasionally, and a Dasani water bottle filled with
cold sink water, which is to the right of the Pepsi, which I drink out of from
time to time while Im writing, but not as often as the Pepsi.

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I just described what I was doing the way I would describe something in a
novel, except this is no fictitious novel. Its real life, baby! It doesnt get any
more realistic than this. The only difference now is that the Diet Pepsi can is
empty, and Im going for the Dasani now.
I went to Hollywood Video with dad after school to pick up Andrews
Christmas present. I think that Hell like what I got him, needless to say. My
dad and I also got some videos for us. I got and anime video titled X: The
Movie, Toy Story 2, Parasite Eve, and Being John Malkovich, which,
hopefully, Ill like. Im also making a note to buy trade paperbacks as well.
Comics I want to get TPs of are Battle Chasers, SIP, Powers, Pedro & Me,
Transmetropolitan, Whiteout, Will Eisner books, and Preacher. I believe in
the gods (which I pray to), Nirvana, good Karma, Buddha, intelligence,
kindness, optimism, enlightenment, will power, creativity, and above all,
myself. The more I hear about and see things in CalArts, the more I really
want to go to that school. I dont know if CalArts has any real contact with
Fox, HBO, or Film Roman. I know they have a lot of contact with Disney
and Cartoon Network, which will probably be beneficial to me in the future,
if I go to CalArts, that is. I cant wait to get to drawing tonight! Im excited.
I did a very decent drawing of Johnny Quests face, from a back issue of
Animation Magazine. Now that I look back on my really old drawings, I see
that they really suck. Luckily, when the time comes Ill be at a high enough
artistic level to do anime and Chuck Jones- influenced animation, as well as
Manga-influenced comic books. Because it takes a lot of artistic skill as well
as knowledge of how to draw, to take something to that level of artistry. Im
the boy with the golden brain and golden hands.

Ray Bradbury, William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, H.P. Lovecraft,

Edgar Allen Poe, William Faulkner, and Mark Twain should all be required
reading for any novelist, and not just novelists who weave tales of the
bizarre. Stephen King books, A Confederacy of Dunces, Harry Potter and
the Sorcerers Stone, and To Kill a Mockingbird are all very good reads. I
havent read The Catcher in the Rye or The Poisonwood Bible yet, but Im
going to one day. Any of John Lennons lyrics usually tell very good stories
as well.

Being a top Disney animator must be the life. Going into a really cool
looking studio every day, living in a nice house, driving a nice car, and
getting paid 400K a year to draw pretty pictures that will eventually move,

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with other really cool and interesting creative people, getting input and
learning from other artists how to improve your drawing ability. This idea
definitely seems amazing to me. You never know. I might get there one day.
I hope Id make decent money at Disney, but if Im just making 25K and
living the bachelor life, I dont think Id mind that either, as long as I was
doing something I love for a living, Id be just fine. The only thing is that I
enjoy jobs that are very challenging much more than jobs that arent
challenging, boring, and too mentally easy, which probably would explain
why I hate my job as a courtesy clerk at the supermarket.

I think Ive figured out an animation trick thats used in anime. I think the
hair on characters heads is drawn separate from the actual face and head,
because the hair is so complex to animate and takes a long time to draw.

I love the idea of keeping a sketchpad with me. I cant seem to stop
sketching and doodling, or writing for that matter. Its important to have
good animation. When it comes to influences, I try to take a little from
column A, a little from column B, a little from column C and a lot from all
the other columns, then meld them all together with my own personal twist
added, and I finally end up getting my own style after I combine all these
things then do my own thing for many years. After a long long time of hard
work and practice, youll eventually get your own groove going, but you
dont want to be confined to just that one thing that you can never get out of,
do you? I sure as hell dont. Not considering how many different things I
want to do. Well, my writing goal is done for today. Ive filled up a page and
Ive worked for a while. So now I can move on to drawing and sending that
letter out to Choi, which I should have done a couple months ago. Im going
to get that letter finished and sealed tonight. Im such an asshole. I really am.
Im a very ugly asshole as well. Im going to draw for an hour, at the least,
but Im really hoping for two, three or four. It hasnt happened yet, though.

Last night, I finally addressed the letter I wrote to Choi, and it just got sent
out.

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Also, I think Ive just finally figured the whole United Kingdom thing out. I
think Great Britain and the United Kingdom are both the same thing. I also
think that England and London are all part of Great Britain, and the UK is
part of Europe.

I definitely want to visit Paris, France sometime. I think Paris is a world

leader in architecture, fashion, style, art, food and whine.

As I get older, I think Im beginning to become more interested in fashion

and style, as well as house decoration. Im into the more artsy stuff. But I
like the casual and suave looks as well. Theres got to be more good stuff
out there than just blue denim jeans and t-shirts, because that seems to be all
I have. I like buttoned down shirts and leather jackets as well. I own these
things. I dont like punk and thug wear very much, though. I want my
fashion style to be cutting edge. I want it to make a statement, especially if I
ever become a celebrity. Then my fashion style would probably get noticed.
When Im in my 30s and 40s, then I think Ill be at my fashion peak. I
mean, from what I hear, about three billion people across the world watch
the Academy Awards, so I think the way you present yourself there would
be very important. You have to know your acceptance speech by heart,
though, just in case you win. I think Ill go watch that X video now, but I
might be back to this word processor.

That sucks. The X: the Movie video was skipping during the entire run, so I
couldnt watch that movie. I watched Toy Story 2 instead. Ill have to trade
in X: the Movie so that I can get one that doesnt skip instead.

The thing I like about my work is that it comes from my heart and touches
my soul. It fulfills my burning desire to express. Im kind of quiet when Im
around other people, but when Im writing, drawing and being creative, it all
comes out. I think the ultimate entertainers can mix artistry and mass appeal,
all while doing it successfully. Many can do one or the other, but very few
can do both. Now I know people that know me mostly for me, but maybe
eventually there will be people that know me mostly or only for my work.

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Im not sure if Im going to draw tonight, but I know Im going to work hard
on that portfolio piece tomorrow. I think Im going to do something else
tonight, other than write in this journal. I hate school. I hate my job. I hate
Florida. I dont hate my family, my friends or my creative work, and I love
entertainment and inner peace.

I cant believe how popular that writer Brian Michael Bendis is. I also cant
believe how popular Battle Chasers is. It came in at number 3 on the
Diamond Comics Distributors charts, right behind Uncanny X-Men.
Speaking of sales, I think Ive figured out part of how publishing royalties
work. Stores order X amount of copies from catalogues that have a direct
contact with publishers. If youre book gets the most preorders and orders
from stores, than it becomes a best seller. Plus, the publishing company has
to sell X amount of copies to make up for the advance that it paid you up
front, and after that, you get a certain amount for each copy sold. So if the
company thinks your work will sell well, theyll usually give you a damn
good advance, but if your book doesnt sell very well, and they gave you a
huge advance already, than the publisher loses money. I dont know if Ill
ever work as a writer for Marvel or DC. Id hope I would script a Marvel or
DC book one day, but I wouldnt be surprised if I never did. I mean, its not
like Im depending on writing for a comic book company to put food on my
table. Ill most likely rely on other things to do that. I dont think I have
what it takes to make a living as a writer in the business of publishing. I
dont know if Ill ever be one of Wizards top 10 hot writers or artists, but I
suppose nothings impossible nowadays. I cant really see my picture being
up there with Garth Ennis, Brian Michael Bendis, Kevin Smith, and Alan
Moore. I dont want to be a highly acclaimed and revered writer and artist. I
just want to BE a writer and artist. When I finish this page, I think Ill be
done writing for tonight, and Im almost finished already. I dont know what
it is exactly that makes certain creative people popular, but I dont think I
have what it takes, to be quite honest.

I think Im going to meet my birth parents one day. I know I dont really
want to, but in the back of my mind I know I should, and in a way, really
have to, if not to find moral guidance, than to simply find out what race I
am. I might be able to just find out my parents race, and not meet them. Ill
have to ask my parents about that. I know Im probably white mixed with

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some minority, but I dont know what. I really, really want to know, and I
most likely will one day. Christmas is this coming Monday. I cant wait. Its
very cold in Florida right now. Im freezing my ass off when I go outside.

There are some good channels out there that are good for entertainment.
Some of my favorites now are Court TV, Sci-Fi Channel, CNN, Bravo,
Discovery, the Travel Channel, Turner Classic Movies and TLC (Turner
Learning Channel). Other good things are the local and national news,
Rolling Stone Magazine, and talk radio. I watch Court TV for real life crime
stories, Sci-Fi Channel for Science Fiction, CNN for popular news stories
and especially politics, TLC and Discovery for anything in general, from
police, detectives, lawyers, doctors, and teachers to all kinds of educational
and real life topics. I watch the Travel channel to see whats going on around
the world, and I watch Bravo as well as Turner Classic Movies to study good
films and the arts. Good shows that are well written are shows like ER
(surgeons and doctors), Homicide (Life on the Street and Special Victims
Unit) (the police and detectives), 60 Minutes, Ally McBeal (Lawyers), The
Sopranos (the mafia) and The X-Files (the FBI and paranormal things). Now
that I have this fascination with cops, I might at one point in my career turn
my attention to writing full on crime stories or full on science fiction stories.
I dont prefer writing in any flat-out genre, but if I have good stories to tell
in that particular genre, than why not. I look at my earlier drawings and
writings in middle school, around the seventh grade, and theres just no
comparison. My new work looks like it was created by an entirely different
person, and Im very thankful to the gods for that. I used to be atheist, but
now Im part Agnostic, part Buddhist and part theist. I dont believe in one
God. I believe in many. I wish I could be convinced enough to believe that
there really is an afterlife, but I also realize that Mother Nature probably
never intended for there to be an afterlife. The earth benefits from the
passing of lives. Dead bodies feed the dirt and plants in the ground. Humans
and species evolve, a deitys love continues endlessly, and the universe
moves on. Earth is only one singular planet in a place filled with trillions and
trillions of stars and planets that are being born all the time. If you take an
astronomy class, you learn about all of this. Space is infinite and endless,
much like my journal files. The world will end eventually, but the universe
probably wont.

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Tomorrow is dedicated to reading, exercise and drawing, so hopefully if I

give into the urge to write tomorrow morning or mid-afternoon, than Ill just
read this journal entry, and it will be a reminder to me not to write. All I did
today was go to school, watch TV, and type. How sad. I was just trying to
relax today, so my actions were forgivable this time.

I know I shouldnt be writing first, but Im only going to do this for about
thirty minutes or an hour, and then Im getting to work.

I started playing Parasite Eve, the Playstation game. Its kind of like a cross
between Final Fantasy VII and Resident Evil. Its very fun. Now all I have
to do is figure out how to save my game, so that when I get killed, I can start
off from where I saved it. I like Toy Story 2 a lot, and I think from what I
saw in the anime film, X The Movie, it looked really good, but it skips, so
Im going to have to return it and buy a new one. I want to read more Pulp
Fiction, not the movie, but the fiction genre. Some of the good crime stories
include Powers, NYPD Blue, Homicide: Life on the Street, Top 10, Cops and
Pulp Fiction (The literature, like The Blind Assassin and the movie). As for
science fiction, theres Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, C.S. Lewis, the Sci-Fi
Channel, and Babylon Five. Or you could even mix the two and tell sciencefiction crime stories. That would be interesting, to say the least.

Theres such a sad Oscar race this year. There really werent many (if any)
really good or even decent movies this year in 2000. What a way to start off
the new millennium. With a bunch of sucky movies and a controversial
presidential election battle. The worst thing about this year is that its
probably just a sign of even worse things to come. There were some good
records released this year, and it was a wonderful year for comic books and
videogames, anime saw a golden age in American mainstream TV culture, I
wrote over 400 pages in my journals, I made tremendous improvements in
my drawing, lots of new ideas came to me, I got two paying art assignments
in the last year, plus. These things make me happy. I had a wonderful year,
but the movie industry had a horrible year. 1999 was a much better year for
movies.

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I have a lot of progress to make in light and shade, as well as perspective,

inking and composition. I just got a new issue of Wizard magazine, and the
Basic Training section was about page composition. God, am I a lucky
bastard. I dont deserve all this knowledge or talent. I truly am blessed. The
only way you get better at shading, perspective, inking, cleanup and
composition is by doing it and working your ass off through practicing. The
only thing is that I looked at the penciled page in the Basic Training section
and then looked at a page penciled by Joe Maduriera for Battle Chasers, and
Maduriera obviously spent more time on his layout and final pencil drawing,
even if he did overwork the textures and details. You dont have to respect
his composition and storytelling, because it isnt really all that good, but you
do have to respect his style, design and effort, which is probably why hes so
popular, much like what Todd McFarlane does, but hes more of an inker
than a penciller. What I mean is that the thing they have in common is that
they can overwork pages and still manage to make it look very cool most of
the time. They both used to work for Marvel though, so Im sure they took
away some valuable knowledge from working for Marvel, and Im sure they
got yelled at when they were at Marvel for overworking the pages all the
time. Theyre very talented, but neither of them probably went to art school.

Its official now. Im one of, if not THE biggest, Akira fans in this town that
I live in. I paid $35 on eBay for the Akira anime video, have an Akira tee
shirt, own one of the new Akira action figures (as of now I own one), and
now I own the first humongous volume out of six of the reprinted Akira
manga graphic novel, which is what inspired it all. The original Akira
graphic novel is a whopping 2,000 pages long! Amazing! Just bloody
amazing! Im sounding more and more like a Brit (writer or anything in
general) everyday, and I love it. I said bloody without even doing it on
purpose. The truly amazing thing is that I plan to eventually buy all six
installments of the Akira graphic novel, but this is long way off from now,
because if I cant find it at the store, theres always Amazon. I watched an
episode of the Crocodile Hunter yesterday, and damn, that was just about the
funniest thing Ive ever seen in a long time. Im either going to draw at 5:00
or 6:00 tonight. Why the fuck am I still writing??!!! Well I did get some
reading done today, so thank goodness I got something useful done. I think
Im addicted to writing. I now openly admit that I have a problem going on
here. I dont think this is normal anymore, not even for aspiring writers. Im
not getting paid to write, so why am I doing it without even thinking about it
very much. As long as I draw for at least an hour tonight, then Ill be all

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right. I spend and write too much. I hate myself for this. I dont think
anything has made a bigger impact in the world of funny books than Will
Eisner, Alan Moore, Akira, Charles M. Schulz (even though hes a
cartoonist), Todd McFarlane, R. Crumb, Jeff Smith, Stan Lee and John
Buscema. You cant fling a sawed off John Bobbitt genital piece without
hitting a modern comic book creator, writer or artist whos directly or
indirectly influenced or inspired by these things, whether their mainstream
or indie. And this is just in the business of comic books. Lets not forget
animation, film, music, television, fine art, and literature. I dont really
consider myself one of the best storytellers, in any medium, in the world, but
I am however, probably the best one in my town, possibly city, and maybe
even state.

I want to use more metaphors in my writing language, so that my

descriptions will be more colorful.
I just know deep down in my heart, that Im on my way to tapping into
something, a creative style if nothing else, that no one has seemed to have
found before me. However, if someone has, then Ive never heard of them or
seen their work anywhere. If I get rich, the only true reason Id need to keep
working would be because my work still challenges me and if its enjoyable.
If it were neither of these things, than there wouldnt be much of a reason to
keep doing it. Maybe I really do have the mind of a superhuman genius type
person, have reached a new stage in the evolution of humans and have a
supernatural miraculous creative ability, or maybe Im just gloating and am
viewing myself as higher than I really am. I dont know what level Im at,
but I know its quite a high one. But then again, Im falling into the supreme
misfortune. My theory is outstripping my performance once again. My
artwork sucks, and here I am wasting my time writing, which probably isnt
even as good as my artwork, which isnt that good in the first place, either. I
have some wonderful visions, but sometimes its seems like Im too lazy to
execute them. I think Ill go pray to the gods for success after Im done
writing, read two more comic books, and then its drawing time.

The cool thing about going to an animation college is that you get to
collaborate with other artists on projects. If I end up directing an animated
project in art school, Id feel privileged to be able to get the opportunity to
direct any piece of animation, or film for that matter.

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I guess I dont have much else to say, and Ive almost filled this page up, so
thats a good job on my part. Night time is coming, and its getting darker
outside, so all the supervillains and vile people must be roaming the streets
now. To the Batcave, Robin! Its time to bust open my six-pack of whoopass!!!! Heres a secret to help stop my addiction to writing, and it is that
when I have nothing more to say, than I stop writing, and right now I have
nothing more to say, so goodbye. Tomorrow Im going to draw and work on
writing the story for the short film with Stephen. Im going to use clustering
tomorrow, because Im desperate for new ideas.

The thing is that when I come up with ideas, I have to stay dedicated to
them; otherwise Im not going to get anywhere. Im getting sick of writing
for today. I think Ill get off the computer and go to bed soon. I have a lot of
people to produce work for, including myself. I have to get a lot of drawing
done so that Phil can approve it and I can get my first portfolio piece done as
soon as possible so that I can move onto the next one, I have the film to
write and develop with Stephen (Ive started it so Im not allowing myself to
quit until its finished, and finally I have to write something for the next
writers group, but if not that one than the one after that. I know I can think
up something if I really try. The portfolio is the most important one, though.
These are my main priorities that I have to finish eventually, hopefully very
soon. The question is where I will be in ten years from now, when Im 27
years old. I think Alan Moore and Stephen King both grasp the type of
writing I want to do. Its tough to explain. Its the kind of writing that tells
all different kinds of well written stories that take on all different types of
characters and topics. Theyre out there, but they still manage to have mass
appeal, because theyre just so damn well written. I like how Stephen King
formats his fonts, chapters and manuscripts, all while theres a lot of cool
and interesting as well as suspenseful underlying things going on underneath
the surface that arent always fully explained. Sometimes theyre left up to
the readers interpretation. The novel Desperation is a good example of
this. What Tak is, is never really stated out loud. Tak is whatever the reader
interprets it to be. Not all questions posed in a story have to be answered.
Pulp Fiction, The Blair Witch Project, and The Sixth Sense are also very
good examples that demonstrate this writing theory of mine.

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There are comic book titles that I try to buy monthly, or at least every once
in a while. They are Transmetropolitan, Blade of the Immortal, Powers, Oh
My Goddess!, Strangers in Paradise, Bone, Liberty Meadows, Neon Genesis
Evangelion, Top 10, and Dark Minds. There are books that I buy every so
often are Tom Strong, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and Battle
Chasers.

In the world of comic books, it appears that anything with variant covers
sells, sells, sells. Also Usually when a title first starts, issue number one is
ordered a lot, but sales usually drop after that so numbers two and three are
almost always under ordered, if the book turns out to be popular, orders
probably wont pick up until issue number four, and since the supply is low
and the demand is high for issues two and three, than issues two and three
become hard to find collectors items. Being an audience member to a comic
book and book is almost always a singular isolating experience, because for
the moment only you can see it. Two people cant really read a book or
comic book at the same time, which is probably one of the reasons why
theyre so popular with fanboys and geeks.

I think some brilliant people are Katsuhiro Otomo, the creator of Akira who
is a true creative genius, possibly Akira Kurosawa even though I havent
seen any of his films yet, and Will Eisner. In terms of execution, Akira and
The Spirit are two of the best comic books ever created. I would like to find
out more about Moebius also.

If you want to be a good and well-rounded professional artist, its important

to go to art school to study composition, anatomy, shading, wrinkles, color,
working with pencil and ink, as well as many other things. Art school
teaches you how to draw the right and the natural way, and to construct your
drawings. Its going to sound weird if I say I went to art school twice, but I
probably will go to art school twice, believe it or not.

If and when I direct a mainstream movie, after the story and script are
finished and Ive written what I consider a great script, then I want the visual

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side of the film to be filled with great visions, some of them metaphorical
and symbolic as well as stylistic. For example, I just saw a preview for The
Family Man, starring Nicholas Cage, and there was one visual that really
stuck with me. It was the visual of snow falling on an open field that had no
one standing on it except Nick Cage. Great movies not only have great
stories, but also great visuals, great dialogue and excellent sound. Great
movies leave people and usually critics, satisfied and walking away from the
film with a good or enlightened feeling, sometimes both. I do like the feeling
of a deep ambiance, as well as the use of silhouettes. I like the mixture of
positive and negative space. Things dont have to have color to appear three
dimensional. Just look at the graphic novel Akira.

When I grow up, I want to create at least one masterpiece that will astound
audiences. I know I may sound like a Disney movie advertisement here, but
thats really what I want to do when I work as a professional in the business.
I think I have the mind and ability to do it, too. You know Ive sold out
when Im living in Los Angeles, selling animated series in primetime,
writing best selling novels, working for Disney as well as marvel, making
millions of dollars, living in a big house, driving an expensive car, and
directing big budget movies. Actually, my opinion is that as long as Im
creating works of artistic ingenuity and am not doing what Im doing just for
the money, I wont consider myself a sellout. I think Id prefer to stay in
small towns or even New York over L.A., unless thats where the work
happens to be. In that kind of case, I dont have a choice. Im sure Ill get
plenty of letters from people that are offended by my work, as well as xbiggest fans that think Im a sellout, among other things. Cool creative
people arent popular. At least thats what some indie fans think.

When books and the internet wont do me justice, I can always turn to my
own life for inspiration and research. Soon, Im going to have to go to work
and work at the supermarket for about five hours. Thats not too bad, but its
also not short enough for me. My worst shift was a nine hour shift. I have to
work on Christmas Eve. That, to put it quite bluntly, totally blows. It sucks
the big one. It knocks farts. It stinks, and other such slang terms. The British
sure do like to use the term Fancy. I fancy a decent meal, for example.

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Im going to read some of the copies of Blade of the Immortal that I have,
pretty soon. But Now Im going to go on the internet and find out what that
Bridget Joness Diary is all about.

I think the two most creative albums released in the last year of 2000 were
Kid A by Radiohead and the Marshall Mathers LP by Eminem.

I was just thinking of all the celebrity comic book fans out there that were
mentioned in Wizard. Among them include Drew Carey, Kevin Smith,
Conan OBrien, Stephen King, Jerry Seinfeld, Howard Stern, Quentin
Tarantino, Barenaked Ladies, Chris Carter, Matt Groening, Bill Gates,
Marilyn Manson, Seth McFarlane, Samuel L. Jackson, Robin Williams and
Weezer. However, I think they left out some celebrities who I have a feeling
are also comic book fans. They include Tim Burton, M. Night Shyamalan,
Linwood Boomer whos the creator of Malcolm in the Middle, Chuck Jones,
and Genndy Tartakovsky. The weird thing is that these are many of the most
creative and imaginative people in show business. I think the only people
who are very creative, but shouldnt make the list are Tom Green, Steven
Spielberg, Dave Barry, and Eminem.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 20

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December 2000

Today is Christmas day, and I opened all my presents not too long ago, so I
suppose Id better say what I got from everyone. From Judy, Mark and
Leann, I got The Art of Happiness featuring his holiness, The Dalai Lama,
and a twenty dollar gift certificate to Family comics and collectibles at Park
Avenue. For Chanukah (the festival of lights), I got the novel Ive been
wanting for a long time, High Fidelity by Nick Hornby. For Christmas, I
got two books. Filmmakers Dictionary (Second Edition), Perspective for
comic book artists by David Chelsea, the Harry Potter calendar, the Sixth
Sense video, Pablo Honey by Radiohead, candy (including Life Savers
Cream Savers), and a $20 gift certificate at a Lids hat store. I also got rain
checks for The Art of Comic Book Inking by Gary Martin, and How to
Self Publish Your Own Comic Book by Tony C. Caputo, because they
didnt arrive in time for Christmas, but will get here soon.

I cant complain. I love all of my presents. On Christmas day, I usually dont

do much except watch the twenty-four hour A Christmas Story marathon
on TNT, and go over to the Saunders house for a Christmas dinner, with my
family.

Things are certainly interesting around my house during the holidays. Even
though I an agnostic/Buddhist, because of my parents heritages and religion
(my mother being a Christian and my father having a Jewish heritage), I
celebrate Christmas as well as Chanukah with my family. Its interesting.
We light a menorah while theres a Christmas tree sitting in our living room.
This isnt counting the money for my report card as well as the money Patty,
Denny and Shawn sent me, the money I have already, and lets not forget the
money in my paycheck from my job. I know what I plan to buy. The Fight
Club novel and the Battle Chasers trade paperback, as well as the comics in
my box at Adventure Into Comics. Other than these things, Im not sure
what else Ill get. I did want to save up for the Playstation 2, but theyre all
sold out and everyone is looking for one, so I think Ill wait until the
beginning of next year, when there are more available and they go down in
price. Oh Yeah! I forgot to mention that I also got a CD stack holder from
Jinnel, and Im using it as I write this.

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I am going to study eastern and western thought, as well as evolution, and

philosophy from both the eastern and western civilizations of the world. The
thing about American culture is that its probably one of the most cynical,
jaded and aggressive cultures in the world, which is why Im disgusted in
the rest of the world because they admire this country and its culture as well
as respect it so much. I guess thats what happens when theres so much
freedom in this country. People take it for granted.

I traveled around the cities near my house with Johnny, as he drove me in

the car his parents let him use. We went to and saw the fashion square mall,
and went to Borders, where I bought two novels Ive been meaning to buy
for a while. Fight Club and The Poisonwood Bible. I now own High Fidelity
and Fight Club, now all I need in that genre is Fear and Loathing in Las
Vegas. Johnny and I also told a lot of jokes and we made each other laugh a
lot. I found out today that Johnny Bartlett has a girlfriend named Laura now.
More power to him. Hes now gone and done something that Ive only
dreamed of doing. The amazing thing was that I think for the first time in a
long time, I felt very comfortable in a crowded place as well as happy. I
think one of the secret tricks I used was to adhere to the Dalai Lamas
words. I realized that everyone is not too dissimilar from me, and that were
all people, were all human and all of us probably feel the same emotions. I
felt a real connection with everyone. I felt one with everything. I didnt feel
anxious, uptight, stressed, hateful or anything, even when some immature
teenage kid bumped into me while he power walked past me and rudely
muttered move it. He was very angry and hateful, so Im not very envious
of him. I wasnt uptight, I was actually relaxed and had a good time walking
through the crowded mall with Johnny. I think that book, The Art of
Happiness really works, and that Im on my way down my long journey to
find happiness, nirvana and enlightenment, since I am somewhat of a
practicing Buddhist. I think I do have strong religious faith in Buddha. But
just because Im part Buddhist, part agnostic, and part multi-theist, that
doesnt mean Im not one with all other religions and non-religions as well.
There are ways to deal with stress, anger and hatred, and thank the gods Ive
found them. I also know I have very high creative and intellectual power,
and even though thats that definition of the word genius in Websters
Dictionary, I dont prefer to be called that. I try to avoid labels and terms,
because that draws us farther away from our common humanity, which is
very important to a society being one. Susan Saunders thinks Im a brainiac.
Im a human being just like anyone else, and Im talented but Im not a god.

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No one is that. Johnny Bartlett thinks Id make a good writer. He said that in
the car and I thanked him for saying that.

Ive written two journal files so far, but I havent read either on of them. Its
kind of like getting two huge checks, but not spending either one of them.

There are a couple important things to consider when drawing comic book
pages. For it to be good, things like perspective, folds & wrinkles, light &
shade, rendering, good anatomy, and above all, good draftsmanship and
storytelling. I have to learn not to desire things like being a bestseller,
winning awards, fame and getting millions of dollars. If I never got
published and if I never won any awards, Id still keep writing. I only plan to
do two things tonight. They are reading and exercise.

I want to be able to make a living, but I think realistically and realize that I
wont be able to do it through my writing, even though I wish that I could. If
I write a book or make a movie, than eventually Im probably going to have
to promote it. I have a newfound appreciation for art, and if I see something
drawn by someone else thats very well drawn, its one of the better feelings
that I experience, and it usually inspires me to one day get good enough to
go out and make a drawing thats that good. Like when I see the Akira
graphic novel and the Perspective for comic book artists book, I want to
practice enough so that one day Ill be able to draw that well. Akira is pure
genius. Both the manga and the film. Theres no entertainment out there like
the type of entertainment that I envision, both in the writing and visual
aspects. I can not only create simple, but I can also create complexity. Even
some of my novels will be cool to look at. Its true. Sex does sell. But I dont
plan to utilize what sells all the time, or even some of the time. There might
be some sexuality in my stories, but not a lot of it. I dont know sex very
well. Ive never had it. Im just a sticky-fingered and hairy-palmed teenager,
if you know what I mean.

I think Ive wasted my life with this art and writing. Ive written 400 pages
in less than a year and a half, and for what. My friend, Johnny is out having
a life and living his life (he even has a girlfriend now), and what am I doing.

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Im sitting inside all day, lazy, out of shape, and typing on the computer and
drawing all day. I have to spend some time interacting with my peers. Ive
spent too much time alone. It cant be healthy. Now that I think about it,
why the hell am I so upset? I have to be prepared. Life doesnt get any easier
than this. I am going to die one day, probably when I get really old. Im not
even halfway through my life, and Im already feeling like Ive wasted my
life. Maybe its because the medication is wearing off. I dont have much of
a right to complain, actually. Ive accomplished my goals for today. Ive
read some of my comic books and Ive exercised by doing forty sit-ups
today. Oh who am I kidding? Right now I have tons of talent, but I feel
either miserable or depressed right now because Im not doing much with
my life and am not out partying and having a life. So lets see. I can either
stay inside and hone my craft, all while I feel as if Im wasting my life, or I
can go out with people and wish that I was at home honing my crafts.
Actually I think its healthiest to do both. Go out and do things with the ones
you love as well as stay insides sometimes and get work done. Fortunately,
Ive put myself at ease because Ive done both. Ive gone out with my good
friend Johnny to visit the Fashion Square Mall as well as Borders, did some
shopping, talked to uncle Mike whos visiting today, got reading and
exercise done, and Im about to write two pages in my journal. I guess Im
more normal than I really think I am. At times like this, Ive just found that
laughter and humor are very therapeutic tools, as well as appreciating or
being thankful for what you already have

Now that I have the two books on inking and how to self publish your own
comic book, I have lots of information on inking and self-publishing, as well
as perspective all at my disposal. I have books on self-publishing, inking,
dynamics, layout, anatomy, writing, light and shade, wrinkles and drapery,
perspective, storytelling, and business in comic books, and this is all just for
comics. Im not even mentioning animation (animating, layout, directing,
writing, storyboarding, creating, character designing), film (directing,
writing, acting, selling), and novel writing (writing, grammar, style,
publishing, editing, formatting, submitting manuscripts). Im going to have
to get back to working on my portfolio piece today.

Ive realized that my generation doesnt stand for much. Its gone off into
every direction imaginable. The baby boomers had the Beatles. Generation
X or Y dont have much substance. Im very into the counterculture

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movement. I like alternative music, indie comics, basement radio, foreign

entertainment, and the internet. The only thing is, if it got more exposure,
than would that cause it to die. I certainly hope not. But then again, I also
like a lot of mainstream things. I have a soft spot for the Simpsons, Steven
Spielberg films, Hollywood, and Toy Story 2, among other things. Anything
thats quality entertainment I like. I like entertainment that sticks in my
memory. I always walk away from movies I love with at least one really
good image and memory. I think one of the best theatre experiences I ever
had was seeing Jurassic Park as well as The Lion King in the theatre. That
was movie magic. When I finish writing in this journal for the time being,
Im going to get back to reading, and Ill probably read books this time.

This may sound sadistic even though it isnt intended that way, but creativity
that comes from a persons own personal pain and suffering is a beautiful
thing to me. I also want to have a real connection with my audience. I want
to know who pays me patronage and makes it just a little bit easier for me to
live from day to day.

I dont know why I dont read what Ive written more often. Its probably
because Id rather read someone elses material rather than my own, but its
an exception when my work is at its peak. When I look at my work, I have to
be self-critical and think Is this something Id be entertained by and would
want to buy. Its all about the pursuit of perfection. In other words, you
keep searching through your recent work until you cant find any flaws in it.
When that happens, youll know youve done a very good job.

I now have a lot of monthly books that I buy every month, which are Blade
of The Immortal, Strangers in Paradise, Oh My Goddess!, Bone, and
Powers. I have a lot of comic book reading to get done. I just bought new
issues of all these titles today. I have subscriptions to all of these titles, with
the exception of Powers and Neon Genesis Evangelion, which I buy both of
monthly. I suppose Ive written enough about my interests and opinions.
Maybe I should just write about my life and whats happening in it.

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Yesterday, I drew my rendition of Harry Potter, and I think my version of

him looks better than the kind that they use on the calendar that I own,
although I do admire the way that it was colored.

Im glad I have nothing to do today.

All right. I think Ive sorted some things out. My mother and brother are
Christian. My father is a monotheist. He believes in a singular god, but
doesnt really belong to the Jewish religion or any other type of religion. I
was an atheist, but now I say Im half Buddhist, half agnostic, which I am in
a certain light, but I think Im also secretly a polytheist, which means that I
believe in many gods, and not just one.

Holy shit! I just hit a website thats the mother of all paranormal search
engines. It should be very good for reference, since thats one of the things I
want to write. It has everything, and I mean everything on the paranormal,
supernatural and the occult. So in a single evening, Ive learned about
Buddhism, polytheism, monotheism, and the paranormal. I already know
about Yiddish, e-books, anime, kanji, counter culture, underground comics,
alternative music, pulp literature or fiction, manga, and sake. I also want to
learn about Judaism, Hinduism, vampirism, witchcraft, and paganism, not
necessarily because I believe these things, but more in the name of the quest
towards enlightenment. The web is a great place to do research on religion,
the supernatural, world culture, educational reference and philosophy, but
then again so are bookstores and the library. The news and newspapers,
especially the local news, is a great place to get inspiration for fictional
stories. Im betting thats where Stephen King, Eminem and Chris Carter as
well as many other writers get ideas for their stories.

Ive learned more about weird things in the past year than I have about
academic things. Im definitely going to bed soon. Im not tired, but I know
that I need to sleep.

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I just got done wrestling with the kitten, Princess. But now Im starting to
question my commercial valor. Im asking myself Can a fiction book
written about the occult and paranormal sell to a wider audience. My gut
feeling is yes, but only if theres other thing going on, its well written, the
plot sucks you in, and you can be captivated by the characters. I have to
remember what Im supposed to do over this break. I have to above all, work
really hard on that portfolio piece, and finish the lady by the end of next
week, work on the film story for Stephen Hill (Im pretty sure Ill be able to
think up something), and finally I have to write something for group.

As far as running an entertainment program goes, I say Fuck audience

participation. The audience will only fuck things up for you if you use their
input. They have no clue what theyre doing and theyre full of crap. Just
look at MTV, mainstream movies, and talk radio. Theyre all mindless and
have no substance because they tried more to please a wide audience instead
of trying to please themselves. Thank the gods for the publishing world,
where entertainers get to do whatever the hell they want. Im not trying to
please audiences and make pure entertainment. I want to please myself and
live up to an artistic, storytelling and creative apex. Dont be surprised if I
say screw what made me popular in the first place and try something
entirely new, all while going in an entirely different direction. This method
probably wont make me as much money, but thats not entirely what Im
about. The only thing is that I probably already am considered a sellout
simply for wanting to make a living and work for companies like Disney and
Marvel. If you can easily sell 500,000 copies of something, than that
probably makes you a sellout. Oh god. NO!!! I am a hack and sellout!!!!!!
Okay. Thats enough of self-loathing. Get over it! Im not sure if Id want to
live my entire life in California and Los Angeles. That just seems so
mainstream to me. Id rather live in Maine, New York, Boston, Philadelphia,
Canada, London, Japan, Ireland or the United Kingdom.

When I think of beers, theres also the international kind. Theres Fosters,
the Australian beer, Corona, imported from Mexico, Sake, the Japanese
whine, and then theres Killians Irish Red, the beer imported from Ireland.

In Buddhist terms, suffering is also known as dissatisfaction.

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Thats interesting, if something in the entertainment world is popular in

America, from what Ive read, its considered to be in the international
mainstream. I think Europeans like flashy colors. If you visit an entirely
different country, you have to be prepared for a culture shock.

This is interesting. Reading one of my journal files is as weird as listening to

a Beck CD or watching an episode of Twin Peaks.

Im very fascinated by international culture, especially those pertaining to

Asian and European culture. There are a lot of good South American artists
out there as well.

I look at SLG comic books, and I notice that theres a very small amount of
substance in all of them put together. I cant really say different for Oni
Press either. Nevertheless, when the time comes and Im ready, Ill probably
submit something to them anyways. Quite frankly, most underground, indie
and alternative comic book artists dont know what the hell anatomy,
perspective, and composition really are, and even more frankly, the majority
of them dropped out of art school or never even went in the first place.
Maybe I really am wasting my life, time and energy with this comic book
crap. I dont think Im good enough for any publisher, no matter how small,
to beg me for material Ive created or worked on. Im not at that level yet.

Its New Years Eve, and theres less than an hour left until the year 2001. I
turned on the television after work and there were a lot of interesting things
on TV. They were showing a Twilight Zone marathon, which I watched and
I must say that Rod Serling is one of the true innovators of storytelling. The
Twilight Zone was telling excellent paranormal tales when television wasnt
even in color yet. This was in the days of I Love Lucy and American
Bandstand. The show is simply brilliant.

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Actually, there were many good things on television, but one thing that also
caught my attention most of all was a televised version of Alfred
Hitchcocks Psycho. I turned the television on right when the famous shower
scene was being shown, lucky me. I didnt watch much after that, because I
want to see the whole thing when I eventually rent it on video.

I think Ive found a new secret to help me get through work, and it adheres
to my Buddhist morals. I think to myself Looking at the watch equals
desire, and desiring equals suffering, or dissatisfaction, to put it more
plainly. I dont know whats wrong with me, ever since Ive been taking
this Buddhism thing seriously, especially today, Ive been very happy and
content and Ive felt good all day. I dont feel like the same person. When I
think about it, I havent written much for two days, so how can I craft
brilliant stories when I have no anguish and suffering to express through my
art and writing. Ive found happiness and how to be happy. To be honest,
Im so happy that I wish I could go to Tibet, become a monk or lama, and
help other people learn of the amazing religion thats know as Buddhism
instead of pursuing a career as a well paid visionary, but Ill do the best with
what I have. If I made only $20,000 five years from now, and I was still a
practicing Buddhist, than Id be just as happy as I am now. Ive found how
to be happy, no matter how bad my life could seem. The key to happiness is
not desiring and not being dissatisfied with what you have.

January 2001

Ive figured out how Im going to create innovative creative things and be a
Buddhist/Agnostic/polytheist all at the same time. Im going to do it by
adjusting. Buddhism teaches a set of morals that are just as effective as the
Christian Ten Commandments. Buddhism is against killing other living
beings, sexual misconduct, foul language, using harmful intoxicating
substances, hatred, anger, desiring, ill will, harmful intent, suffering and
dissatisfaction. Buddhism is about finding happiness and enlightenment,
relying on your spirit and the power within, as well as hard work and
wholesome living. Its a godless religion so its not about admitting your
alleged inferiority to some kind of deity which no one can prove exists.
Although the Buddhist religion doesnt discriminate like the Christian

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religion. You can believe in God and still be Buddhist. You dont have to be
atheist or agnostic just to be Buddhist. The thing is that Buddha was a real
human being who lived a long time ago, who found enlightenment, which is
why he was always smiling, and started a religion based on his findings to
teach other people how to find the same spiritual apex that he found. He
didnt keep his findings to himself. He was a very compassionate man and
wanted other people to experience the same things that he experienced. Im
not viciously against the Christian, Jewish, or Hindu religions. I just feel that
the Buddhist religion is more effective towards living a satisfying life and
achieving true happiness. However, some find the deity religions more
effective, its all a matter of choice.

All I can say is Richard Gere and Matt Groening look out!!! Im not only
Buddhist, but agnostic as well.

I realize that even though I do have high moral standards, Im not peaceful
enough to be a religious leader, or a lama. Im nothing but a mere humble
entertainer. I entertain and enlighten people, as well as intellectualize and
philosophize. Thats pretty much all that I do. Even though I dont have that
big of an effect on other people, Im still extremely happy and satisfied with
my place in the world. I feel very at one with the rest of the world and
humanity, all seven continents and six billion of them. So in a way Im both
religious and skeptical all at the same time.

I find it amazing that Twin Peaks received fourteen Emmy nominations.

David Lynch, the shows creator, must have incredibly good karma.

Tomorrow, since Christmas break has turned out to be a lot shorter than I
originally planned it to be, aside from going to a couple places with my
father, Im going to work really hard on the plot for the short film Im codeveloping with Stephen Hill. Now that Ive taken my attention off it for a
week or two, my interest in the film has been revamped. I want to come back
on the idea and email Stephen with a fresh new perspective. Im now a full
on Buddhist. Who knows, now that Im a practicing Buddhist, I might meet
and visit the Dalai Lama one day. I do want to visit and explore Asia one

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day, and that includes China, Japan, Tibet, Vietnam, and Korea. If I toured
the world, Im sure seeing South America, Canada, Europe, Australia, and
Africa would be amazing as well. I just have to get over my fear of flying.

Back when I was a full on atheist, I was unbelievably self-conscious and

unhappy. Now Im just the opposite. I want to be away from misery and in
Nirvana, or maybe even just happy, and I think Ive accomplished the
simplest goal already. Its not a matter of finding happiness. Its more of a
matter of acknowledging the happiness and satisfaction that already exists in
your life, as well as appreciating and cherishing it. Thats one way to get
farther away from suffering and dissatisfaction. Sure there are things that are
not perfect in my life that I suppose could bother me if I hadnt found
Buddhism and meditation, like not having a girlfriend, will I be successful in
the future?, my families financial problems, not having the most enjoyable
job in the world, being overweight, having pimples, but none of these things
bother me as much as they used to, even when my nighttime medication
dose is kicking in, which is usually when things in my life bother me the
most, but I feel surprisingly good and happy now, and this is when Ive only
been part Buddhist for a couple months. If I ever reach enlightenment, I
dont know how long it will take me. A lifetime maybe, but that doesnt
bother me either. I think Im off to a good start.

I dont expect to or plan on winning any awards. The only Nobel Prize
winner for peace that I know of is the Dalai Lama, a Buddhist. He sees that
all people are similar in the fact that were all human beings, no matter what
religion or ethnicity we are. He realizes that it doesnt matter whether one
believes in religion or not, and that it doesnt matter whether one person
belongs to this religion or that religion. He believes that the meaning of life
is to find happiness. A bold statement, but it might just be true nonetheless.
People shouldnt use and resort to labels, because it draws people away from
their common humanity. I have many goals in mind, but if theres one goal
of mine that stands out, its that when I tell some of my stories that Im
trying to make at least a little bit of sense and context out of the paranormal,
supernatural and occult, and show that they dont always have to be placed
in such a scary and horrifying context. Most people in the entertainment
business are there simply for personal gain, and are not there to try to
enlighten and benefit the rest of humanity. I want to learn compassion, love
and happiness, and help people. I do have a sort of sympathy for mentally

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and physically handicapped and hospitalized teens. I want to help people of

all genders, minorities, and people of all races, people of all intellects and
religions, as well as poor people. Money has become a lot less important to
me than compassion and my spirituality.

Heres a question. Just what the hell do Humanists, Pagans, and Hindus
believe. I also wonder what Taoism and Confucianism means and what
people who follow these religions believe. If there are two authors who Id
want to read all book written by, they would have to be Dean Koontz and
Stephen King.

I cried earlier tonight, because my father accidentally made fun of my

religion. It felt good to cry, even though I didnt want to. I think Im
beginning to build up some very good karma for showing and getting in
touch with my emotions. I do believe in spirits and spirituality, as well as
good and bad karma. I need to meditate more often. I had a talk about my
Buddhism with mom and dad, and they agreed with me when I told them
that I thought I made a lot of creative, intellectual and spiritual advances. I
dont want to suffer anymore, and I dont think Ive truly suffered in a
couple months. Suffering is definitely not good, but Ill admit that it is a
grotesquely beautiful thing. Im glad to be a man of faith. I have faith in a lot
of things, Buddhas teachings being one of them. I had an intense night.
Having loved ones in my life is the best thing that ever happened to me. I
want to be happy and make lots more spiritual progress. Fame, money,
attention, respect, a big house, material possessions and even a girlfriend and
maybe even creativity automatically come second to happiness, joy and
compassion. You cant force other people into your religion and beliefs. I
think the meditations that I do will help me focus on my work. I think if I
learn to meditate properly, it will help me get more work done. The only
thing is that I cant forget what my original purpose was. I cant get too
caught up in this religious stuff so that it ends up stopping my creative
growth altogether.

I guess Ive realized that just because Im now a spiritual person doesnt
mean that I cant write grim stories, as well as characters who curse and hate
religion altogether. As long as I dont become those vile characters, think

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pleasant thoughts about my own life, work hard, live decently, dont curse
too much myself, and show compassion towards myself and others, I think
Ill be alright and have still have plenty of good karma. Who knows, I might
even get enlightened and reach Nirvana later on in my present life, but then
again, Im getting ahead of myself. I have to be able to think about things
other than my own religion. The only bad thing I can think of thats
happened ever since Ive discovered my true spiritual side is that I think Ive
lost some of my original sense of humor. I think one of the noticeable
changes in my humor is that craziness and social inappropriateness have
kind of lost their humorous effect on me, but in a way, I think my sense of
humor has matured all at the same time.

I dont believe in God, but I believe in people and I think its important to
understand what people think God is. God is said to be the creator of the
universe, the earth, and the human race. God is loving and forgiving. God
heals and makes miracles happen, as well as controls the positive events and
actions in the world. The devil makes all of the bad and evil things on this
earth happen. I think its a very good thing that we have different religions.
Some religions are more effective for some and not as effective for others.
Thats the good thing about Buddhism. Its the fact that it can peacefully
coexist with other religions. I think each religion can teach valuable things. I
believe in godless spirituality, and ever since Ive started believing this
theology, Ive been much happier. There are things such as idols, or false
gods.

I just looked up Confucianism and Taoism in the American Heritage

Dictionary, and Ive found out that theyre both ancient Chinese religions,
but not Japanese or Tibetan religions. Humanism is another form of nontheism. Some Asian religions include the Shinto religion, or Shintoism,
which is a Japanese religion, Buddhism, and then theres Zen Buddhism.

Im very fascinated by eastern religions. I do belong to one of them after all.

I bought a couple things during the course of yesterday and today. I bought
three trade paperbacks, and they are Battle Chasers, Whiteout: Melt, and the

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New York trade paperback, by Will Eisner, as well as an issue of Promethea,

and the Beatles 1 CD.

Age, race, nationality, salary, career, name, religion, and where you live.
These are all trivial things that are unimportant compared to the whole scale
of things in humanity. Things I dont believe in include material possessions,
money, greed, selfishness, drug consumption, egotism, God, Jesus, the
clergy, evil, popularity, much of the mainstream as well as underground
entertainment movement (I prefer substance and quality), prime time
television, generation X, ignorance, carelessness,
anarchism,
commercialism, homophobia, hatred (racism and anti-Semitism), cynicism,
lethargy, laziness, and atheism (even though I used to be an atheist).

Im also not hoping for world renown and commercial success anymore. Im
hoping for happiness; spiritual, intellectual and creative growth; as well as
for my compassion to be passed onto other people.

When I write, I want to write about things everyone can relate to. Religion is
comforting in a way. Let it be, let it be, as the Beatles once said.

When I was at the comic book store on Park Avenue, I was having a
conversation with the clerk there, and he helped me discover a certain type
of writer. He called them Fun writers, which means that all the stories that
they write are in a way similar and the same, but theyre fun stories to read
anyways. These include Garth Ennis, Quentin Tarantino, Kevin Smith, and
Chris Carter. I think writers who can reach above this mold are the most
skilled ones. I think the news and media show a lot of topics that a person
could write about. Im still searching for my own voice in writing as well as
my own style in art.

In the end youll know my voice when it begins to ring true to your ears. In
the end, if we can love each other, then well know weve won the battle, for
if we can understand each other, we can win the fucking war. In the end,
only kindness matters, as Jewel once said. In the end, everything will be all

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right. The world will end, the sun wont shine anymore, the human race will
go the way of the dinosaurs, only the insects will survive, the world will be
at peace once again, and Jesus will arrive, but if we learn to love, I think
well be okay. And if Jesus never really does arrive, at least weve learned to
love. Thats the way Buddha, and possibly God would have wanted it. God
doesnt hate anyone. Not the gays or even the atheists. He, she, or it loves.
He, she, or it forgives.
Written on a Wednesday night.

Just thought Id write something, and I did, so there.

I recall many of the significant times I cried. When one of the kids at the
elementary school made fun of the fact that I was adopted, At one of my
birthday parties, when I threatened to kill my classmates in high school, and
finally, the most recently, when dad accidentally made fun of the fact that I
was Buddhist. Im a partially full-grown man, but Im not afraid to cry once
in a while.

In my writing, I try not to resort to using eloquent words or sentences, oneliners, weirdness, pop-culture reference, oversimplification and
philosophication, monologues or shock value. At times I try to use all these
things, but I like using depth and substance overall, as well as good rhythm,
realism, and pacing.

Oh sweet Jesus!! The Grammys and Emmys are going to hell!! Shows that
have very little substance whatsoever are winning. The Academy Awards
will probably get their share of unworthy nominees sooner or later.

Im going to say right now that I believe in representing opposing points of

view, whether they be on religion, abortion, world affairs, tragedies, the
death penalty, entertainment, government, society, or any other topics, I
think both views on a subject should be equally considered. I think people

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should be open minded enough to consider both points of view with equal
consideration.

If people truly want to believe in a god, they almost always will. Thats how
some skeptics become believers. Im a believer in Buddhism and
polytheism, but I dont like admitting the polytheism part. I dont know why
that is.

I dont really think Im one of the best writers or artists in the world or even
in this country. I dont even have a style yet, Im not rich and famous
(although I dont mind not being either of these things. Making a small
amount of money is good enough for me), Im not world renowned or
published, and I also dont plan on winning or even getting nominated for an
award. I dont get much happier than this. Im much happier now than I was
before I discovered my spirituality. I like the simple, non-material things.

Meditation is challenging for me. Im attempting to work up to being able to

meditate for somewhere around thirty minutes. Euphoria, utopia, Ecstasy,
Nirvana, enlightenment. All of these feelings are wonderful, and I believe
that they can be reached through many years of meditation and spiritual
practice, all while not being too attached to worldly possessions.

Some things Id like to study are Darwins theory of evolution, fine art,
classic literature, eastern and western philosophy, world culture, film,
spirituality, creativity, and of course animation, comic books, and novel
writing.

For fun, I might as well write a pseudo-interview. Actually, I think I will

eventually.

Right now Im very bored. I wonder if boredom is a form of suffering. I

doubt it. I think Ill go watch Being John Malkovich.

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I finished watching Being John Malkovich, and absolutely loved it. It was so
original.

Anyway. I just received the latest issue of Animation Magazine, and I saw
who the 16 or 17 top auteurs of the animation industry in the United States
are. They are Tim Burton, Matt Groening, Peter Chung, Mike Judge, Todd
McFarlane, Jim Jinkins, John Lasseter, and John Kricfalusi. These are the
really important people whom no one will consider comparing me to during
my entire lifetime, and of course they have an enormous amount of respect
from yours truly. The really cool thing is that Im big fans of all these people
and have actually met Todd McFarlane and John Lasseter, and of course at
times I imagined what it might be like being at the level of recognition that
theyve achieved. These are all brilliant people. Becoming rich, for me,
would be no fun. Traveling the road to attain goals is much more fun. I feel
that actually attaining the goal is not all that much more fun than getting
there. Becoming rich and famous, winning awards, getting published,
becoming a living legend, having your work translated into multiple
languages in many different countries. Where the hell is the fun in that? Im
serious about this. I like the here and now, coming up with new ideas, the
inspiration, the collaboration, and the work. I do have to admit, the
paychecks are a nice financial relief, though. Its also very rewarding to
know that other people enjoy your work other than you.

Some of the interesting recent issues in the animation industry are better pay
rates for animators and animation staffers, and Japanese animation or anime
and manga (even though thats comic books) suddenly becoming incredibly
popular in the US, and possibly the entire world.

One of my dreams would be to work on a Harry Potter project or production.

Im going to be sure to eventually buy that Aeon Flux video.

One thing Ive learned about designing characters in animation is when

youre designing characters, dont be afraid to draw twenty to forty versions
of a character until you come up with a version that youre happy with. And

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when youre doing all those different versions, dont be afraid to change
different parts of the characters size and proportions.

When I think about writing my first novel, I wonder how Ill do research for
characters that have jobs, since Ill be working in fields that arent
necessarily your typical jobs. But when I think about this, I realize that I do
have work and school experience. Im working at a grocery store right now,
and Ive been to public school before, although if Im working on a novel
and this problem arises, than Im sure that I could go to a local high or
middle school and ask questions, and do research about what kind of
assignments they give the students. I have to think back to my public school
days and try to remember what the other students were like, despite the fact
that I was pretty self-involved, was quiet and kept to myself. Thats what
novelists do. They do research. There are some things I dont know much
about, but probably will or might one day. Some of them include drinking
alcohol, being in a relationship, sex, being married, having kids, and
religion. I already know about having spirituality, loneliness, and depression.

I think just recently I had to make a choice. Which one would I use as a
handbook for living? The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama or the Johnny
the Homicidal Maniac trade paperback, by Jhonen Vasquez, which is more
atheistic. Now that Im a spiritual compassionate Buddhist, Ive chosen The
Art of Happiness, and Im much happier now, even though I still respect
Jhonen Vasquez for going against the grain and producing something that
truly is a truthful piece of counterculture, but back when I was an atheist, it
was Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and the cool thing is that I think I just
might be some kind of a genius now, but I cant state that for sure.

When I think of imaginative fantasy illustration and storytelling, I usually

think of Dr. Seuss, Ralph Steadman, Tim Burton, Salvador Dali, Chuck
Jones cartoons, Akira Toriyama, Katsuhira Otomo (Akira), Battle Chasers,
and Bone. All these things and people are extremely imaginative, and I think
theyre all world-renowned.

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There are entertainers who offend people as well as entertain people left and
right, and theyre no strangers to controversy and shock. Celebrities like
Howard Stern, Eminem, Stephen King, Mike Judge (Beavis and Butthead),
and Marilyn Manson. Most of them make their money by shocking and
scaring people.

Now about the power of dedicated fans. I have two examples of this.
Radiohead and Howard Stern. Radioheads most popular CD, OK Computer
sold 1 or 2 million copies, and then they released their second stylistic
departure album, the weird, innovative and wonderful Kid A album, about
the first human clone. For Kid A, Radiohead made no videos, released no
single, and played only three North American shows to promote the record,
but despite all this, Kid A debuted at #1 on the Billboard charts. The reason
for this is most likely because Radiohead has an amazingly dedicated
following from its fans. The album also got a Grammy nomination for
Album of the Year, but they wouldnt have needed to sell a lot of albums for
that to happen.

Howard Stern is another example of this abnormal paranormal phenomenon.

This amount of dedication is so strange that it seems almost supernatural to
me, in a way. It either seems supernatural or miraculous, or maybe even
both. Howard Sterns autobiographical book, Private Parts became an
instant New York Times Bestseller, and his movie, based on his book ended
up coming in at #1 at the box office for a short amount of time.

This just goes to show how dedicated some people are, and how some names
can sell products. I think the Dalai Lama, Pokemon, Kevin Smith, the Blair
Witch Project, The Beatles, and possibly Harry Potter are also fine examples
of this theory.

The truth is that I dont know what sells. If everyone knew what sold, every
entertainer would be a national celebrity. Ill just stick to studying fine art,
going to school, making spiritual progress, and reading philosophy books.
The truth is that even geniuses make mistakes and dont know everything.

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What the hell is so special about geniuses? I sure as hell dont know. Im not
a genius, but Im pretty damn sure thats the dang blasted truth.
I think Im starting to know more about what I like doing. I actually know
how to write as well as draw, or as some say, tell stories and illustrate.

Im getting good vibes about this drawing and writing, and maybe directing,
shtick. I think it might be a way to make a living ten or twenty years from
now, but if I dont, I think Id be more sane and know myself better if I
never did make a lot of money. I dont want to get rich or anything of that
sort. I kind of like the idea of living in a regular size apartment and working
in a place like a CD, book, comic book or art store during the day, as well as
working creatively at night, and going to college during the day. If I have to
keep my day job for the rest of my life, that will be fine with me. I am a
Buddhist after all, because Buddhism teaches you to be pleased and
compassionate with your life in the here and now.

Tomorrow, Im getting my hair cut, and later tomorrow, Im going to the

Lids store at the mall to pick up a New York Yankees baseball cap that me
and dad had to buy through a special order, because my head is so big that it
wouldnt fit into any of the smaller ones. Theres no way Ill wear it
backwards like the thugs and wiggers do, but Ill definitely wear it forward.
Itll make me look urban, like a New York independent filmmaker. I usually
go for the dorky, funky and non-conventional clothing, but this time Im
aiming for something thats more laid back.

I have a feeling that my parents dont really believe that Im a Buddhist, and
that Im serious about being one, but like most parents, they just dont
understand. They dont understand what I really believe. Theyre always
nagging me about getting drawing done all the time.

There are a lot of entertainment based magazines as well as entertainment

talk shows. Theres Entertainment Weekly, Wizard Magazine, Animation
Magazine, People Magazine, Readers Digest, Time, and Rolling Stone. As
for talk and variety shows, theres Larry King Live, Howard Stern, The

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Daily Show, Dennis Miller Live, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Good
Morning America, Rosie ODonnell, Oprah, David Letterman, Jay Leno,
and Total Request Live. I doubt Ill appear in any of these publications or
shows. All of these things love to cover the topic or celebrity of the week.

You know, I dont think I could stand having or paying patronage to one
singular thing. I like a variety of things. Movies, videos, CDs, television,
animation, videogames, books, novels, comic books. I like the variety. I take
inspiration from a lot of different things. Food, writing, drawing and religion
dont count, though.

I cant imagine having a bunch of people look after me. People like an
editor, agent, publicist, hairstylist, make up artist, and tailor. I dont know if
youd include wife on this list, but if I had all these people looking after me,
then Id know Id be a celebrity. I like making lists an awful lot. I like
keeping myself organized.

Counter Culture, international, cross-genre. I like all these terms and

markets. I always assume no one knows who I am, because no one really
does know who I am. Ive gotten published in my middle school paper, and I
think I might also get my artwork published in an upcoming book, but I
dont know when the hell that will actually happen, maybe never. I know
Im wise, but no one relies on my wisdom, but Im definitely okay with that.

Yesterday, I bought the black NY cap from Lids, and I liked the way it looks
on me.

Also yesterday, my father bought a DVD player as well as a Mission

Impossible II DVD, and I was amazed by the clarity and cool graphics on the
option menu. John Woo is cool. Later that night I also bought two DVDs.
Three Kings and Braveheart. Unfortunately, my father decided that it was
too expensive and that mom would be mad about his decision when she got
home (and she did get home about an hour ago), so he returned the DVD
player earlier this morning, so I guess that means no DVDs for me, and I

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was just getting ready to become the next proud DVD owner. Oh well. Shit
happens. Material possessions arent that big of a deal to me.

I just noticed, nowadays, every intelligent or creative person thinks they're

goddamned genius. Everyone thinks theyre God. Why does every artist or
writer want to get rich or famous (and maybe, sometimes both). I dont
know if a genius exists. Im kind of agnosticesque about the whole thing.
People like Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Plato, Alan
Moore, the Beatles, Stephen King, Tim Burton, Stan Lee, Alfred Hitchcock,
Buddha, Steven Spielberg, Chuck Jones, and Todd McFarlane. I dont know
if these people were really geniuses, but if geniuses do exist, than Adolf
Hitler must have been an evil genius.

I just came up with a new idea for my Circus Ninja series. I was thinking
about the roommates of Nathans and Ive decided that they need to have
families and background stories, among other things. So when I was
working I got real excited when I thought up a partial background story for
the female roommate (Im going to give her a name sooner or later.).

I think the only problem with my writing for the Circus Ninja series, is that
it often is very serious as well as dramatic. Theres also a lot of emotional
and psychological baggage for the characters that Im afraid it might
overshadow the humorous aspects and jokes of the series, even though I
dont want Circus Ninja to be a flat out sitcom. I want there to be elements
of drama, suspense, anime, and action as well.

There are two things I have an interest in learning how to become. A cook
and an independent or mainstream filmmaker. I would like to learn how to
cook my own food sooner or later.

It turns out that the use of Digital Video (or DV) cameras is very popular
with independent filmmakers. Ive also learned that when youre working
with a low budget, its important to write your script around your limited
resources. You also should transfer your film to your computer and video.

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Many indie directors do the editing on their computers. So in other words,

get a lot of spare money for your budget, buy a couple digital video cameras,
find some decent sound crew as well as actors and edit on your fucking
computer (*All while writing a creative, innovative script). Thats how you
get into the international Cannes film festival, baby! I wouldnt mind
making a low budget film one bit, a route thats been taken by the likes of
Gus Van Sant, Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino, Woody Allen and Spike
Lee. If I want to be a filmmaker, I have to learn about the technical aspects
of using and shooting with a camera. Id definitely want to get into NYU
(New York University) or USC (the University of Southern California). As
long as I know how to use a camera, filmmaking probably wont be AS
challenging. I think you get into a film school by showing them the films
youve made, but thats just my best guess. I could be wrong. Theres plenty
of information on filmmaking in books, magazines, the internet, and yes, of
course film school. If you want to be a director of film, its important to
understand cameras, actors, lighting, editing and sound.

The cool thing about Stephen is that hes a lot more sensible about
filmmaking than Scott (the other guy who wanted to make nothing but
horror movies.)

The only thing about becoming a filmmaker and making movies is that you
have to actually make movies, even if they are homemade and very low
budget. That doesnt really matter. At least youre MAKING MOVIES. If
you make a really crappy, really low budget, at least youre making a movie.
Some people dont even get that far. I would also like to direct or produce an
animated feature film as well. Id like to do my own take on it. After I
graduate from art school and if I did get a lot of experience, than Id be sure
to make the film as complex and beautiful as Ghost in the Shell, Akira,
or Tarzan. Actually, Id want it to be a combination of all those movies.

With all the things I want to do, for me to be successful at what I do, its
important for me to understand the mechanics of art, writing, design, timing,
storytelling, directing, film, comic books, novels, animation, as well as more
specific things like producing, acting, inking, publishing, editing, camera
terms, coloring. Its also important to understand what gives something

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depth or makes it entertaining. In movies, to many people, if someone says a

curse word, something blows up, theres big fight, someone farts, or if the
audience is scared, it can be very entertaining, even though the things Ive
listed are shallow surface entertainment things that are primarily used in the
mainstream medium, but are not necessarily exclusive to the mainstream. I
should shut up before I explain all of my secrets.

The only thing is that theres usually a vast difference between working in
the independent and the mainstream, and there are limitations for both. The
word indie is usually synonymous with rulebreaking. The indies are
usually more innovative but they have a limited audience, and the
mainstreams are usually less innovative but have access to a larger audience.
My rule is before I take risks and do my own thing, I have to establish my
credibility and make a comfortable living, so that when I have enough
recognition, I can at any time be self-financed (or produced), or selfpublished and distributed. I definitely have learned to agree with Stephen
King when he says art is a support system for life, not the other way
around, because doing it the other way usually proves fatal to a persons
financial ability. There was a time when I just wanted to do underground
cartoony comic books, and that was it, but now I believe that Ive come full
circle in terms of reasonability. I dont care if I get rich, but I feel I need to
be able to make a living one way or another, whether its working in a book
store while taking classes at a college, writing novels and the like, or being
an animator, as long as I can survive, pay for a place to live and feed my
face, Im satisfied.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 21

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January 2001

Today I went to picked up my latest paycheck from Goodings, and it was my

biggest check amount to date. $101 for one week. I feel like a very rich man,
and I suppose in a certain sense I am. It must be the good karma of mine.
Now Ill not only have enough to put over $100 in the bank, but Ill also
have some extra money to spend. Im fueled by three main primary
ingredients all mixed into one super ingredient. Happiness, creativity and
caffeine (all listed in no particular order).

As Ive said this before, nowadays everyones a genius, everyones a god,

everyones a director, everyones a philosopher, and of course everyone
thinks they know God and religion. I dont claim to be proficient at any of
these things, but maybe thats just because Im modest and in self-denial.
Im not sure.

Now that Ive started to get into making film, its really reimbursed by
appreciation for the art of film, as well as well-made mainstream and
independent films. I saw part of a lesser know film on bravo, but its tough
to describe what happened in the film. All I can say is that from what I saw,
it looked well written and I was inspired by it. I liked its use of an exotic
location and shaky cameras. I think The Sixth Sense mixed the use of hand
held and still cameras perfectly. I think The Sixth Sense used the handheld
cameras at exactly the right time to create just the right effect, although Ill
probably have to watch it again to try to pinpoint certain aspects of the film
like the ones Ive just mentioned. I think Ive seen it about three or four
times so far. It is one of my favorite movies afterall. And I think that simply
by judging the way M. Night Shyamalan wrote each of his characters, I think
its obvious that he believes in the elements of Karma, but I could be wrong.

I think one trap many beginning and young writers fall into is that they tell
many of their fictional stories in an autobiographical way that reflects their
own life more than theyd like to consider. A young girl at my writers group
did it, Stephen King has done it, M. Night has done it, and so has Kevin

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Smith. And Im no exception. Ive done it too, but I dont think I do it as

much now, though.

Now I have a lot of new trade paperbacks that I havent read yet. The ones I
have now are New York: The Big City, Battle Chasers, Whiteout: Melt,
Akira: Volume 1, and Powers. All of them have excellent art and many of
them also have excellent writing. Im not going to buy any more TPs until
Ive read a lot of the comics that I already own. I think Akira and New York
had the best artwork, while Powers, Whiteout and New York probably have
the best writing. The two best recent artists that Ive seen and heard of are
probably Frank Cho and Terry Moore.

The good news is that the portfolio piece Ive been working on for all this
time will be finished in about two to three weeks, because I finally know
what direction Im going with it, thank the gods. It should look fantastic
when Im done with it. I have the lady and the mans hair, as well as the
smoke planned out. After I stick the two drawings together and Xerox them
both onto one page, then shade the background gray, the drawing will be
done, and then its on to the next portfolio piece.

I think the time Im going to graduate from high school will be around the
end of 2002, but my portfolio will be finished long before that time comes.

So I also hear that Less Than Jake is very big in Japan, but then again, so are
a lot of other American musicians.

Remember kids: Dont drink and write. Theres no sense in taking a risk
when you get behind the keyboard and word processor.

Sometimes I wonder how I think up some of this stuff, but I try not to wrack
my brain pondering the possibilities. Normal people dont think up things
like this, but I do for some reason, and thats why Im a writer. Im also able
to usually put what I see in real life or in my head down on paper with a

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pencil and pen. Thats why Im an artist as well. I dont know if Ill ever
write an autobiography, but I doubt it. I want my work to speak for me. Id
rather not have to rely on letting myself speak for me when it comes to my
public perception. What I mean thats what interviews, biographies and
magazine articles are for.

Im not even going to go into a tangent about all the television show rip-offs
on TV. Gary and Mike for instance, judging by the preview is probably just
a sad rip off of every other past animated television primetime show in
existence.

I think my parents are disappointed in me for the fact that I spend too much
money each week and I dont spend enough hours behind the drawing desk,
since I do want to get a portfolio together and get into an art school after all.
I need to start reading more and buying less. I can see where my parents
frustration is coming from. In a way Im frustrated with myself as well.

Maybe I wasnt meant to do all these different things. Maybe the gods dont
really want me to be involved in animation, film, literature, and comic
books. Maybe I was simply given a gift to do one thing instead of many.
Maybe I was simply meant to be an animator/writer and thats it. Next time
if I try to go spending, I need to catch myself. Im afraid that I might become
a compulsive buyer, where if I have a little bit of extra money and I see
something insignificant that I want, I subconsciously force myself to buy it.
Okay, Im suffering once again, but thats no surprise because life is pain,
suffering and dissatisfaction, but thank the gods Ive found a way to escape
the suffering. I also have compassion and caring, fortunately.

I guess Ive finally realized that Im a compulsive spender, and I need to

stop it now or it will only get worse. Even if Im searching for inspiration, I
dont need this much at once to choose from. My parents are disgusted by
my spending habits and I feel upset that their upset. Oh my god! Why am I
rambling on endlessly with what seems to be no limitations.

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Im beginning to get very drowsy and tired. I almost feel too tired to carry
the CD stack in this room into my bedroom. When I get really tired and want
to sleep, all I really want to do is scrunch up, lie down, close my eyes and
possibly listen to music or the radio while I fall asleep. I cant take this
anymore. Unless I come up with an inspiration for something more to write
about, Im going to shut off this computer and go to bed.

I just bought another book last night from the supermarket. I bought
Hannibal, by Thomas Harris, the author of Silence of the Lambs. I only have
one other book to buy to top off my collections of best selling books that I
want to buy, which look interesting. They include Hannibal, Gravity, High
Fidelity, False Memory, The Green Mile (even though Ive already heard the
audio books) The Poisonwood Bible and Fight Club. I have to finish Sick
Puppy first. All of these books look wonderful. Just the type of books that
Im looking for. Im trying to go more into reading NOVEL novels, instead
of novelty novels, which are only two or three hundred pages. Novels and
comic books have always inspired me immensely, and so has anime and fine
art by the great western masters. I would like to be up to the Stephen King
level of reading. He reads a hell of a lot of books each year. Anywhere from
twenty to fifty. It used to take me ten years to read that many. Maybe Im
discouraged from reading because Im a slow reader.

Writing is an art form. I believe that Ive stated this before, but Im saying it
again to emphasize it. I dont think Ill ever believe that my work has true
mass appeal, but if I had a million readers or viewers than Id probably
consider thinking differently.

I cant think of anything else to write, and I dont have to write anymore if I
dont want to. I have written 400 fucking pages after all. Actually, now Im
approaching 450, and then onto 500. This journal truly is decent, in my
opinion. At times, it has unbelievable on the money moments of clarity
and intellect. Ive read entire published novels that are a lot less captivating
or interesting than this little journal of mine (like Walkabout, for
example.). I think it will be important for me to get to reading that grammar
and style book by William Stunk. I hear its quite possibly the best grammar

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book ever written, so Im sure it will improve my writing, even though I

dont have to use spelling and grammar checker quite as often.

DVDs, MP3s, MP3 players, Playstation 2, and CD Burners are new terms
to me.

I want to get to drawing soon, so I dont have very much time to waste on
reading comic books. If reading means wasting your life, than Im sure Ive
now wasted about one third or two fourths (half) of my life.

When I think about my personality, Im not too much different from your
average (I say this while trying to contain an enormous laugh) teenager.
Now seriously, I do think there are some people out there in the United
States that think along the same line that I do. At least I hope so. There was a
time when I wanted to be alone and insane all the time, but that time has
passed. Im much more well-rounded now, creatively, intellectually and
spiritually, but unfortunately not physically.

Im going to admit that Id dont enjoy writing about hate and hate crimes,
even though I do feel that its a subject that needs to be written about by
someone. The issue needs to be addressed and written about. It shouldnt be
ignored. The good thing about me as a writer is that Im not always afraid to
write about some topics that make me uncomfortable and that I dont like
very much, like homophobia and racism.

I have a reading list thats a mile long. If and when I get a DVD player, Im
sure Id buy a lot of DVDs. Id get all of my favorite movies and anime on
DVD. That Cowboy Bebop series looks very cool. Ill have to check that out
some time. CDs, DVDs, books, and comic books. It would sure be cool to
have huge collections of all these things. The only thing is when I would
find the time to use all of these things. Disney movies are always good, too.
I own Toy Story 2 and The Nightmare Before Christmas on VHS, and
theyre two of my favorite animated movies of all time.

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I want to become as familiar with literary figures as I am with animation

celebrities, directors and comic book creators. I already know about a decent
amount of names even though I havent read a lot of the books by the people
who own those names. Theres so many good looking novels out there that I
want to read by so many talented authors. Its tough to keep track of all of
them. Take Thomas Harris and Nick Hornby, for example. I cant wait to
read their popular novels. After this journal, I plan to draw a lot and read
tonight. I know the names of a lot of western writers, artists, directors and
entertainers, as well as a few eastern ones. I do like Yoshitaka Amano (Final
Fantasy artwork) and Ralph Steadman. Both create bizarre masterpieces.
The only thing is that one of these illustrators is western and one is eastern.

Modern American artists owe Europe for the Renaissance period and the
influence it had, and modern American writers owe Britain and Ireland for
its fantastic classic literary authors, and even some modern ones, like Alan
Moore (British), Garth Ennis (Irish), J.K. Rowling (British), the Beatles, and
the Monty Python writing staff. I also think the United States owe Japan and
Korea for their animation. A lot of the actual animation for American
cartoons is done in Korea, with the exception of Disney films. I also think
that Japanese manga and anime influence quite a bit of American comic
books as well as animation, and vice versa.

I dont have much else to talk about. I believe Ive talked about just about
everything in my life and on my mind, with the exception of things and
thoughts that happened in my younger days. At times Ive asked myself,
Which ones going to be my handbook for living? Johnny the Homicidal
Maniac or The Art Of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. Which one is by
answer to the beginning of the world? The Bible or The Origin of a Species
by Charles Darwin. Speaking of geniuses, there are the historic geniuses like
Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Plato, Buddha, possibly the Dalai Lama,
Benjamin Franklin, Walt Disney, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Elton John,
Alfred Hitchcock, Mark Twain, Dr. Seuss, Edgar Allen Poe, Will Eisner,
Mozart, Beethoven, Bill Gates, the Wright Brothers, Picasso, Leonardo da
Vinci, Charles Dickens, and William Shakespeare. These people
revolutionized their mediums completely and had an endless impact and
influence on the world in general. Im sure most of these people invented
revolutionary philosophies, theories and methods, and of course they most
likely used them to their full extent. I tried to avoid using modern people,

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because Im talking about people who had such an impact that they already
have or will make it into the history books.

I would like to be an inventor, painter, composer, and philosopher, but I

dont think I could do any of these things with the exception of being a
philosopher and painter.

Im not concerned with making a lot of money or winning awards. Those are
silly, material goals. I would like to revolutionize my medium, but if I cant
do that, I would like to at least entertain and enlighten. I want to spread
happiness and spirituality, as well as make at least one masterpiece that
makes a connection with at least one persons soul, even if the persons not
spiritual.

Yesterday, I was thinking about the 80s and 90s, but primarily the 80s,
and about all the movies and television shows I saw that were released in the
80s. Im probably going to make a separate list for all the movies and
television shows I saw that I liked or even mildly liked. Sometimes I wish I
was still living in the 80s and 90s, and not in the 00s or the new
millennium. Im anxious to see what happens in the 2010s, 2020s, 2030s,
2040s and 2050s, but I probably wont live past the 2050s, and if I do,
than Im lucky. Right now its only the year 2001. In the next twenty or so
years, Im probably going to get down to 190 pounds or less. I think Im
somewhere around 210 pounds right now, so if I took just a couple years to
consistently exercise, Im sure I could reach that goal.

Its tough to believe I only started this journal about a year ago. It seems like
so much longer than that. Im not sure if I started this journal at the end of
1999, or the beginning or 2000. I think it was the end of 1999.

Since Im a writer, its too bad Im not British or Irish, and since Im an
artist, its too bad Im not European or a South American, but since I want to
be a director, its a good thing Im American.

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I think Phil has a good idea there when he says When youre looking at
comic book artwork, dont think that just because its in print that its God,
which means that dont be deceived by the deceptive machine that over the
years has come to being labeled publication. No artist is perfect.
Perfection doesnt exist in the world of artwork. As long as an artist keeps
practicing, he or she will keep improving. I sure as hell always am. As long
as I keep practicing for the rest of my life, I cant even imagine where and
what level Ill have reached at the end of the next ten or twenty years. 4
years ago, I never would have imagined myself to ever having reached a
level of skill and knowledge like this in only four years.

Maybe I am an evil genius who is secretly plotting to conquer the Earth or

world, one country and one continent at a time.

Even though Im not famous, I think I know what one of the things about
being famous is. Its probably that once you get up there, it can seem like
everyone wants something from you. It can be your money, autograph,
support, or even just your attention. I dont expect to get big, so I dont plan
on going on a promotion or signing tour anytime soon. Phil has told me that
once you graduate from an art college, people will ask you What school did
you go to, and thus you become a walking advertisement for that school.

Im not sure what else I should write about. Theres got to be some really
cool entertainment things in this country that the rest of the world hasnt
discovered yet. Most of the popular entertainment over here is
acknowledged overseas as well. I may be a genius creatively, and I may not,
but I want to be a genius when it comes to hard work, focus and
concentration. Im kind of learning to do that at my job at Winn-Dixie. Im
not saying Goodings anymore, even though I still want to. I saw an episode
of the new animated sitcom, Gary & Mike, and its just as bad as Sheep In
the Big City, Rocket Power, Spongebob, Spy Groove, Clerks, and Catdog, if
not worse. Its about on the same level as Family Guy. And the truly sad
thing about shows like these, as my mother has said before, is that this really
is the best work that the network has to offer. How very sad. The truth is that
audiences, I believe, are smarter than companies give them credit for. They

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know bullshit when they see it. Well, at least some of them do. Id like to
think so anyway. Im an optimist, not a pessimist.

I dont plan to start out or get to the top, but if I do, I plan to get there by
working my way up during many years of long laborious creative and
physical work.

Im not really completely accepting with the idea of being compared to big
named, more established public figures. Id rather be compared to historic
ones than modern ones, because being compared to modern icons is usually
a temporary reverence.

Ive discovered a lot of great bestselling authors that I never knew about
before, like Elmore Leonard and Carl Hiaasen. Of course, I already knew
about authors like Stephen King, Michael Chrichton, Dave Barry, and Dean
Koontz. Everyone knows about them.

One thing Ive learned is that when youre asking people for things, always
try to avoid sounding desperate. Always try to sound sensible and down to
Earth, like just any other person. I like being around average people, and just
being able to mingle with the common people, dont get me wrong. I like
meeting celebrities and befriending creative people, but theres something
welcoming about friendly, average, everyday people that I absolutely love
and admire. Its a warm, karmic feeling I get. Its as good as getting paid
money. Well, almost as good. Theyre usually not the best looking people in
the world, but they dont have to be. Thats one of the aspects about my job
at a supermarket, which I like.

Now that I think about it the only full-on movie that Ive seen recently is
Being John Malkovich, and Im also watching the anime movie, X. Other
than those I havent seen any new movies. There are a couple movies Id
want to see, or see again, like The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Little
Monsters, Flight of the Navigator, The Last Starfighter, Kids In the Hall:

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Brain Candy, Man on The Moon, The Green Mile, Gods & Monsters, This Is
Spinal Tap, and Unbreakable.

My first book could be anywhere from 120 pages to 600 pages. It all
depends on the plot, but I have to plan the plot and characters out chapter per
chapter, from beginning to end. Its a good thing that Im almost finished
with my first portfolio piece. The outline of the guy is finished and his hair
is half finished. All I have to do is finish the outline for the lady and shade
her, shade the guy, shade the background grey and combine the two
drawings, make a color copy of the drawing, frame the original, and then
Im finished. Im going to work on it later today, as well as possibly draw
other things, and Ill read comics and the novel Im reading. Ill also finish
the X video.

Anyways, I wonder what else Im going to write about. I do have plenty of

time after all.

I do like those authors who can cross that fine line between fine literature
and pop fiction. Very few best selling authors can do this and pull it off well.
I dont know if Id ever be able to pull this off, but Im not counting on it. I
think today Ive been writing for about an hour and a half, which isnt too
bad. I dont feel like Im obsessing. Tonight, after I see an episode of Outlaw
Star, at 7:00 oclock, Im going to draw from 7:00 to 10:00. Im also going
to come up with some character names for the short film, so that I can get
back to working on it. When I finish writing this page, Im going to begin
reading and planning out the portfolio piece. The only problem is that Im
having trouble thinking of much else to write about, but Im going to keep
writing, nonetheless, because my heart tells me to do this. I have to follow
my heart and instincts.

I dont really think that theres anything stopping any one creative person
from being successful, other than lack of connections within the industry.
But if you have creativity, talent and connections, then what CAN stop you?
Not much. Thats for sure.

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Its not easy being gifted, a genius, or a brainiac. Thats also for sure. If
youre really smart, it can be tough finding someone to get along with whom
you can relate to. I know. Ive been there. Its especially tough finding a
girlfriend if youre very intellectual. If youre a published artist or writer, its
not AS hard to do. If youre published, youll have an audience. Now
granted, it may not be a big one, but you will have an audience. HA! Look at
me babbling on like I know everything. Ill probably look back on this last
paragraph ten years from now, and see how misguided and foolish I really
sounded. Im creatively, intellectually, verbally and artistically gifted. Thats
for sure. The world laughs at my creative visions and my attempts to become
successful now, but I guess well just have to see whos right when I
graduate from high school. In this country, comic books arent given
anywhere near enough respect. Not as much as they deserve anyway. Many
people are turned off by comic books, and many people who like regular
comics are hesitant to pick up a black and white comic book. Sad, but true.

Im not going to be able to write very much tonight. I have to leave for my
writers group in about 17 minutes from now. Actually, now that I think
about it, Ill be lucky if Im able to write two paragraphs.

I havent picked up my acoustic guitar in a long time. It turns out that The
Smashing Pumpkins and Rage Against the Machine are both breaking up.
Im very sad and was even sadder when I read in Rolling Stone that the
Pumpkins played a farewell concert in the concert hall where they got their
first big break, while fans watched them, some of them crying and
mourning. I think some of the best alternative bands of all time include The
Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn
Manson, Primus, Green Day, Beck, the Beastie Boys, Matchbox Twenty, Yo
La Tengo, They Might Be Giants, REM, and Bjork. These are legendary
bands for a new generation. Speaking of breakups. If I produced a successful
body of work and suddenly called it quits one day, I doubt that Id be
missed, not by my fans, not by friends, not by family, and not anyone. I
think people and groups who are successful in their medium eventually say
Goodbye to everyone. I just found out last night that one of the Beastie
Boys is a Buddhist. Im not sure which one, even though many people
mistake him for a Jewish person. If youre super successful, youre usually
allowed to take a hiatus that can be a year or even longer than that. The good

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thing is that I dont think people like me can lose their touch at what they do.
When you have a gift, advantage or talent, no one can take it away from you,
unless you stop practicing. The only thing is that if youre very talented, you
dont ever want youre legacy to end before it even reaches its peak. I dont
know if Im insecure about my ability to perform creatively, but I definitely
know that Im modest.

I like to remind myself of the Buddhistic terms, like reincarnation, karma,

nirvana, enlightenment, compassion, suffering, and the four noble truths.
Buddhism isnt just for rich white people. Its open to anyone whos willing
to learn about it and accept it into their daily life. I think Ive finally found a
way to manage my anger and stress.

Well, I did a lot of things just in this past week. I helped a man with cancer,
nearly had a nervous breakdown at writers group, and Ive created a mental
idea for a medical invention that could cure memory loss as well as ADD.
Im most proud of the last thing that I listed. Now Im not only a
philosopher, but an inventor as well. Ill elaborate on my accomplishments.
Yesterday, when I was working, a man walked up to me and told me that he
had cancer, and couldnt really walk to the back of the store or hed pass out,
so he needed someone to walk back for him. Im the one who did it. I got the
groceries at the back of the store for him, and he thanked me.

As for writers group, I went. I also took something to read to the group. I
read the Rolling Stone article to the group, but for some reason I got really
nervous and started shaking all over, but I made it through the reading and
they complimented the article I chose.

As for my concept invention, I came up with the idea for it on the car ride
home from school today when I was talking to my mother, but to actually
execute the creation of this invention, Id have to go to medical school,
become a molecular chemist as well as pharmacologist, studying things like
biochemistry, molecular chemistry and pharmacology, so that I could learn
about medicine and how the brain and memory glands function. My concept
invention is an idea for a new type of medication pill that would improve the

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ability of a persons memory, putting a partial stop to memory loss, as well

as Attention Deficit Disorder (It would cure that too). But the only thing is
that my dad helped me realize that scientists have probably come up with a
similar concept somewhere, and are still trying to figure out how to get it to
work. My predictions for the person who can figure out how to physically
make this invention would be that theyd not only win the Nobel Prize in the
field of medicine, but they would also become very, very rich and affluent
(Just take a minute or two to think about how many people would invest
stocks in the company that would fund this invention), as well as make
history and get into many academic books. This invention would benefit a
countless number of people. It could benefit regular school kids with bad
grades, special ed kids, geriatric people, as well as possibly benefiting
amnesiacs. If this type of medicine was actually made, I feel it would
revolutionize medicine and science, like Charles Darwins theory of
evolution. I think I got this idea when I realized that I had a similar problem
to Amanda, in the fact that we both felt disappointed and somewhat stupid
when we get good grades in school, and a couple months, weeks, or even
days later, forget much of the things we learned. This and thinking back to
the time I watched that Fox television game show special, The Battle of the
Child Geniuses. Its the fact that the reason their such geniuses, and can
recite facts and answers to questions that even baffle college grads, is, in my
opinion, probably because they have such amazing and advanced memories.
Theyre left brained geniuses because they can easily memorize every single
analytical and academic fact that they hear, but Ill bet fifty dollars that the
majority of them cant draw or write worth a damn, but they sure can
remember things. I thought about these things, put two and two, or A and B
together, and I came up with a hypothetical question. What if people could
vastly improve their memory (and possibly IQ) if all they had to do would
be take a pill to do so. I thought up a miracle or genius drug out of
nowhere, and in the car no less. Its just that the thing that amazes me is that
I came up with the invention idea without any prior knowledge that the idea
is probably already being conceived or developed. Maybe I am a real genius,
because I dont know how else I could have thought up this invention. That
would be so very, very amazing if it turned out that I was a modern day
version of Leonardo Da Vinci. Da Vinci did a little bit of everything. He was
a painter, writer, inventor, sculptor, architect, engineer, and scientist. Im
guessing he was also a very hard worker as well. Speaking of that, my
mother has a different theory of what she thinks genius is. She thinks genius
equals hard work, and on a certain level, I agree with her. To a certain
extent, genius does equal being able to work hard, but it also means being

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extraordinarily advanced creatively and intellectually. So a true genius, in

my opinion, would be a person whos extremely creative and smart, but is
also a very hard worker. Agnostic, Buddhist, good karma collector,
meditation practitioner, painter, penciller, inker, writer, actor, philosopher,
photographer, inventor, creator, director, business person, critic, intellectual,
pacifist, and hard worker. I am all of these things. I would like to study
history and the culinary arts as well. I might be able to include celebrity and
publisher on that list as well.

I just learned about some of the great inventors of the past. Benjamin
Franklin and Thomas Edison. Ive also learned that Mozart was deaf and that
listening to his music makes you smarter.

I think Im probably going to write about some of my family history today,

but first, about Buddhists.

I only know of two celebrity Buddhists. Richard Gere and Adam Yauch
from the Beastie Boys, who used to be a Jew.

Ive also realized something. Generation X (the young half) really sucks. Im
talking about 21 to 17 and below. Some kids now are so cynical, pessimistic,
jaded, lazy, irresponsible and mean spirited. I am a left-wing liberal optimist,
so I have hope for the future. I think its important for people to understand
compassion and tolerance. These things are very important if we, as a human
race are to survive the new millennium and beyond. Theres so much
information at the average persons fingertips, in books, libraries,
magazines, newspapers, television, encyclopedias, the Dictionary, the radio
and the Internet. I just hope people take advantage of all this information
thats been accumulated during the course of history, know a lot of it and put
it to good use. Ive done my best to do this, but I have trouble remembering
a lot of it. If it turned out that generation x only produced a couple useful
things, at the cost of sounding like an egotist, Id hope to be one of them. I
doubt that Ill ever be recognized as one of the great geniuses and thinkers of
the new millennium, maybe because I dont look white, but then again, look
how much respect Martin Luther King Jr. has. There are some people who

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have important jobs as thinkers, like politicians,

peace-workers,
philosophers, activists, scientists and inventors. I dont really consider
creative jobs important jobs anymore, just very recognized ones. I think that
just because youre famous and rich, that doesnt necessarily make you
important, just revered and respected.

I think Ive made progress in the fact that I dont have any true hatred or true
ill-will, whether it is towards myself or towards other living things and
people. However, it does truly bother me when I see that some other people
do. I think my good karma is continuing to build, though.

There are no emotions quite as universal as those of love and happiness, or

pain.

I dont know if Ill ever be a video game developer. Speaking of video game
developers, Ed at my writing group, when he was living in Chicago, used to
know the creator of the hit game Mortal Kombat. Just a tidbit I thought Id
write down. The creator is very rich now, to say the least.
Suppose Id better draw tonight. That portfolio piece is going to be finished
soon, afterall. All I have now is the background, the hippies clothes, and the
smoke lady, and then Im done.

If I become famous, I dont know what thatll make me. A Buddhist rolemodel? An ethnic role-model? A creative role-model? An intellectual rolemodel? An important person? Im not quite sure. Maybe none of these
things. Maybe it will turn me into just another famous person.

Its time for the Stonecold stunner. Can you smell what the Rock is
Cookin?! I like smack talking wrestlers. Not the wrestling federation and
televised wrestling itself, but I do find the smack talking extremely funny, in
the same way that the Crocodile Hunter and Iron Chef are funny.
Im listening to Pizzicato Five right now. I love that band. Theyre one of
my favorites, from any country. When I finish writing this page, Im going

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to stop writing, probably for the rest of tonight. For the rest of tonight Im
going to draw, read and watch television.

I think the thing about award ceremonies is that usually creative awards
arent just given out to people for innovation, but sometimes also for the
story behind the creative expression. Eric Clapton, Eminem and Nelly are
good examples of this idea.

I like that line from Eric Claptons song, Tears in Heaven. It goes:
Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?

Those types of lyrics are very inspiring, deep and profound. He wrote those
lyrics to express the grief he felt after losing his son. His performance on
MTV unplugged was probably one of the most powerful ones ever to be
seen in the televised music world. Because that was real subdued pain and
grief he was expressing behind his singing. You could see it in his face that
he was grieving and suffering immensely, but thats what truly made the
performance an amazing and beautiful thing. Thats beauty that came from
one persons pain, or a catharsis, if you will.

I think Im now going to become the worlds biggest J-Pop fan. I know
about Japanese pop bands like Takako Minekawa, Kahimi Karie, and
Pizzicato Five, but there are other bands Ive read about in Rolling Stone that
are on American labels, whom I want to check out, like Natural Calamity,
Audio Active, The Zoobombs, Buffalo Daughter, and Cornelius. I especially
want to check out Audio Active and The Zoobombs. Japanese pop is a very
innovative and catchy type of music. Its too bad Asian music isnt big in the
States like black and Latin music. Theres so much good music out there
that isnt considered popular, but thank the gods theres places like Park
Avenue Compact Discs, as well as shows like Sound Opinions, radio
stations like WPRK, and internet sights like J-Fan radio, where people can
find it. One of my goals would be to expose the masses to some things a lot
of them havent heard of, but I could only do that if I was successful. Im
very inspired by the underground, counterculture, and indie movement thats

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going on right under the peoples noses. Well, most of them anyway. Im not
as familiar with how to find independent films, though. I just know about the
Bravo network and the Enzian theatre.

I dont need anyone to tell me Im a genius. I didnt believe it, and denied
that it was there in the beginning. I used to think I was just an average
regular kid, but now I feel that Ive made an improvement that Ive begun to
come to terms with it. I dont know if my intelligence truly is a gift. I do
know that my creative instincts just do come naturally, which is a possibly
supernatural fact that I cant explain, even though my ability to execute my
ideas, images and stories has taken a lot of learning, adapting and
developing. In the past two or three years my creativity and innovation as
well as my inspiration sources have gone through somewhat of an evolution.
Fortunately that evolution has been for the better, and its benefited me as
well as my way of thinking and seeing. Ive spent a lot of my life in isolation
from the world, just trying to understand myself and the way I think, but I
like being with other people much better now. I like talking to kids my own
age also. Ever since I was I small child, I needed some sort of an outlet to
express myself, and my creativity, because I sucked at physically doing it or
saying it to other people. Ive had a much easier time expressing things like
humor, emotions, etc. through my creative work for some reason or another.
The interesting thing is that I know Im a gifted, good-natured person, but I
dont know for a fact that Im going to be successful or not. Im not a
psychic. I cant predict the future. Id probably have a nervous breakdown if
I could, because Id know the exact time and place where my own death
would occur. I think that would be scary for anyone, not just me. Maybe that
would make a good premise of a story. I would have to be a scary thing for
anyone who would have a sixth sense.

I havent written in my hand written journal book in a while. I kind of miss

doing that. I ought to start doing that again.

One cool thing to know is that Ive been called mmmcrap in the Mouth
Off section of the Rave newspaper by a pissed off Hanson fan before. I
dont remember the other responses I got for saying that I thought mmmbop
was mmmcrap. I just remember that one, because it really stuck in my mind.

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I guess thats what you get for speaking your mind and expressing your true
thoughts in this country. You get hated. Thats what you get. I think They
Might Be Giants had the right idea when they made the song I Should Be
Allowed to Think. It is kind of rewarding to know that my statement evoked
an emotional response from someone. Actually, not someone, but many
people, and thats always better in the world of entertainment than getting
completely ignored, because getting ignored usually means no sales or
media attention. If you offend or disappoint somebody, thats usually a small
price to pay for entertaining many. In other cases, parents have always been
scared and pissed off by rock and roll when they find out their kids are
listening to it. Rock & Roll wasnt really meant for parents.

If theres one thing Ive realized (and believe you me, theres a lot more than
one), its that theres no such thing as a worthless person, even the
misguided ones arent worthless, but they definitely should be pitied. I have
compassion for people that are filled with nothing but anger, bitterness and
hate, but I dont hate them back. I feel thats the wrong thing to do, even
though at first thats what I want to do. The only thing is that I dont let
myself succumb to my primal instincts anymore.

I think the thing about the internet is that its a blessing and a burden all at
the same time. There are extremely useful and wonderful things that are on
the internet, but then there are also horrible, evil, inane, disturbing, useless,
and disgusting things on the internet as well.

This is a very good thing. Ive only been at this word processor for only
about an hour, and already Ive written two pages almost.

Not sure what else to write about, so its a very good thing that Im finished
writing in my journal for the majority of today. Now I can move onto
drawing.

Was just drawing for a teensy bit, and I have to say that the farther I get into
this piece, the more proud I become of it. It should be a beautiful work of art

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when Im done with it. I might frame it so that I can have an extra framed
copy to hang on my wall.

Saw some Adam Kubert artwork. Now theres a guy who can kick my damn
ass in drawing, hands down. Actually lots of comic book artists can do that,
but hopefully Ill be at that level one day, and I have a enough confidence in
my artistic ability that I think I probably will get to that level of intricacy,
beauty and detail. But then again, Adam Kubert is nothing at all compared to
Leonardo da Vinci or the other Renaissance artists. Im going to have to get
dressed and prepared for work pretty soon. Going to my day job doesnt
bother me like it used to. It actually goes by pretty quickly most of the time.

Ive realized that black people are the originators of funk and funkiness. In
that respect, theyre geniuses. I love including things that are offbeat, funky
and weird into some of my work.

Spawn, Barenaked Ladies, Primus, Matchbox Twenty, and I think Jhonen

Vasquez have all lost their touch. I mean theyre all still making a lot of
money, but I dont think they still have it. Their stuff has lost what made it
attractive and cool in the first place. Can you say has-been. I hope I dont
ever lose my touch or sell out. In my opinion, as long as I keep working, I
most likely wont lose my touch. I can only get better with experience and
practice. My goal is to produce many things a year that are multi-layered,
and that have a lot of hidden meaning. If this equals an eventual high salary
of some sort, then so be it, and if it equals an unimpressive salary, than so be
it also. The weird thing about commercials and print advertisements is that
people actually get paid quite a bit of money to make them, and the majority
of them arent even that good. Its too bad that there are so many tasteless
and horrendous movies, television shows, video games, comic books, and
music albums.

Ive got to start trying to come up with a new idea for a portfolio piece. I
know its going to come to me. I just hope it comes soon. Maybe Ill pray
and start doing some research through my magazines and books, as well as
comic books. Im going to have to really work hard at home, when Im done

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working hard at school, during the next couple days in order to get the piece
as well as other work done. I know I can do it. Im not going to try. Im
going to do it. There is no try. Only do. Just like there is no true perfection in
directing, drawing and writing, only improvement and evolution. Im very
influenced by European, South American and Japanese artwork, even though
I havent seen that much South American artwork and Id sooner shoot
myself than give any exact names of artists. In my writing, Im influenced
by not only American writers but also British and Irish writers.

All this writing Ive done today is beginning to really wear me out. Im
going to stop soon, except Im too tired to draw and I doubt that theres
anything good on television.

Now that Ive thought about SLG publishing. When I submit Zounds!,
considering that they get on average about 20 submissions a week and that
theyre probably not that eager to find new talent, theyll probably take one
look at the sample pages as well as character sketches, think it sucks, and
send me back some type of a rejection response. In that case Ill probably go
with Caliber Press, Fantagraphics, Dark Horse or self-publishing. The cool
thing is that if I already have a good job, I dont think a rejection will hurt
quite as much, actually right now I dont even desire to get published so I
dont really think a rejection would hurt at all. I dont think my artwork is
truly at a publishable level yet, anyways. Its still got at least two to four
years to go.

There are so many fascinating topics that Im interested in and want to write
about with considerable honesty and integrity. Now that I see the comic
book industry as whole and Ive become somewhat of a humanitarian, I
wonder why I ever wanted to get into the comic book industry in the first
place. Film and literature are so much more worthwhile mediums. You can
raise awareness and enforce a social conscience when working through
literature. Im not sure if that same effect can be created through the world
of comics and sequential art, even though working in comic books can be an
awful lot of fun. One of the major setbacks of comics is that it can attract
some readers who never got very outstanding grades in English class and

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who are too ignorant to read anything without pictures in it. Theyre more
likely to shout out that this or that comic sucks.

I agree with Stephen Hawking. I doubt that the human race will be able to
survive after the next century. Pollution is getting worse, society is growing
more cynical, the temperature on this planet keeps rising, and humans are
running out of room and places to maintain themselves, and thats not
counting the depletion of the ozone layer as well as the asteroid that will
eventually strike the Earths surface. Im not trying to sound like a
messenger of the Apocalypse here. Im just trying to sound scientifically
rational. I think one way for the human race to maintain its survival is to
treat the planet as if it were a living thing, because the planet is a living
thing.

I dont feel that Im worth more or better than other people. I just see things
differently. The cool thing is that I now almost know that Drawing on the
Right Side of the Brain book by heart, especially the part on shading. Now
if only I knew the Kimon Nicholaids book as well, Id be set for life (Im
still working on portraits, contours and color). Once I know the two by heart,
I can combine the teaching methods of the two and become a great modern
artist. I feel that there are a lot of inspiring and fascinating things to learn
from the great masters of the past. I know I can become a great painter and
inker, but only if I practice like no one else has practiced before. Before you
can ink or paint, you have to know how to draw first. I try not to compare
myself to the greats, although I do try to learn from the examples and
theories that theyve set for future generations. Now if only I could
memorize the 50,000 other art and drawing books that I own. Why does
everyone want to be rich and famous? Being rich is quite convenient, but
being famouswell, I cant think of any more colorful saying to use, so Ill
just say, it sucks. Being happy and satisfied is more important than being
an icon and idol to millions. Maybe I sound nave, but I feel this really is the
truth. Changing peoples lives and the world!?

Why have I spent half of the last year and a half writing on this computer?
Why do I waste my time? I could be reading, learning academic things and
becoming smarter, but I sit on my ass and type

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I think at one point or another during my adult life, Im going to go on a

road trip, traveling around the country and writing about it. Maybe if it
would be good enough I could get it published as a partially
autobiographical memoir, kind of like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Well, its happened. On the 21st of January, 2001, after a bitter election that
went all the way to court with recounts galore, we now have our newest and
43rd president of the United States. George W. Bush, son of George H.W.
Bush, who was in office before Bill Clinton. Even though Im primarily a
liberal with some republican values and if I were old enough to vote, Id
have voted for Al Gore, I do support G.W. Bush and Dick Cheney during
their terms in office. I think we could have gotten a lot worse of candidates
then Gore, Bush and Ralph Nader. Aside from art, writing, directing,
inventing, acting, philosophy, and English, Im also planning on studying
politics, business, and the culinary arts.

I think too many geniuses nowadays are very snobbish. They have that Im
smarter than you. Youre dumb and Im smart. Im perfect, youre imperfect.
Youre nothing compared to me mindset. I know Im smarter than a lot of
people, but at least I can feel compassion for people, and view them as
equals, even if my I.Q. differs from theirs. I think were all equal in the fact
that were all human and we all have the right to happiness. I think Id be
over achieving if I wrote around 20 to 50 books. If Isaac Asimov can write
500 novels, then I sure as hell can write at least 3 to 5. I dont know if Ill
ever be classified as one of the greatest thinkers of 2000, the new
millennium or generation x, but Im pretty sure Im a genius. Im sick of
having denied it all my life. I might as well embrace it. I want to improve
my academic skills. My creative and visual skills have already reached their
first apex, so I dont need to worry about them. My spiritual and academic
skills need a lot of improvement though. Maybe I am an altruist and
humanitarian. Id rather benefit society than commit to selfishness. I guess I
have to go to bed now, like my parents have told me. Id keep writing, but I
cant.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 22

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January 2001

My interests include art (penciling, inking, sculpting,

painting),
photography, directing, drawing, reading, writing, books, comic books, film,
literature, philosophy, world culture, politics, the culinary arts, music,
drums, guitar, computers, history, inventing, creativity, business, finance,
publishing, economics, pop culture, the paranormal, religion, English,
geography, and science, even though Im not really strong at all of these
things.

I dont have much time to write, so Im going to have to write this fast. I
dont consider myself a prolific writer or artist, just a great one. Ive also
finally learned how to spell the word plateau, and there you go. What a
weird way to spell a word. I wonder how I keep coming up with new ideas
and making work of quality all the time. Actually, not everything I draw or
write is quality work. A lot of my work is downright bad, so Im used to
producing bad work. I have to be my own worst critic. I look at a drawing or
a piece of writing and I just kind of instinctively know whether its good or
bad. I think I know about a lot of people who made an impact in the late
1900s, but I want to learn more about the innovators from the 18, 17, and
1600s, like the Renaissance, etc. Will Durant wrote a book on the
Renaissance, which I would like to read and possibly buy. I also just found
out last night that Moebius was a European comic book artist. Since Im an
entertainer, Im not sure if I could be considered an altruist or humanitarian,
unless Im delivering important social messages.

I have some sort of an unusual fascination with important historic and

modern figures. Im going to name them all sooner or later.

Some people, like Bill Gates, predict that in the next ten years, the internets
on such a rise in popularity that it will be as widely used as television ten
years from now. I love the internet. There are so many useful sights on the
internet. I use it for information, education, communication and
entertainment. Currently, Im looking up things on Buddhism, the
paranormal, and great thinkers. In the past couple days Im learned names of

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some important philosophers, writers, composers, painters, thinkers and

inventors, ones like Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Stephen
Hawking, Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, Mozart,
Beethoven, Plato, Voltaire, Socrates, and Aristotle. I didnt list very many
writers or artists, but Im still learning about them.

One thing Ive learned is that if youre one of those misunderstood geniuses
who invent an entirely new way of thinking, but youre too smart for most
people to comprehend, then you wont be appreciated till decades after
youre death. Cant find a true love. Dont worry. Marry your cousin. Thats
what many geniuses of the past did. Actually, Im just kidding. Dont marry
your female cousin.

This stupid kitten wont shut up and its distracting me from my writing. Ill
try to write despite her annoyance. God, I wish I could just kick that stupid
cat. Its a very good thing that Im going to finish this portfolio piece in less
than a week. I need to. I think in a creative way an awful lot. Maybe I should
start trying to think in an analytical way, figuring out how things work and
why things work the way they do. Im on a constant quest for knowledge.
Im always searching for new information; Im searching so much that
sometimes I cant even find time to appreciate a well crafted fictional story.
I have no room for self-pity. That would be suffering and dissatisfaction and
I dont do that. All I can do is learn from my mistakes. I really should get
back to using the art and drawing books.

There are so many different religions. I think I Ching might be a religion,

but Im not sure. Aside from that theres the Islam and Muslim religions,
Hinduism, Sufism, Buddhism, Zen Buddhism, Shinto, Taoism,
Confucianism, polytheism, monotheism, Satanism, paganism, Judaism,
Christianity, Zionism, Scientology, atheism, agnosticism, Catholicism,
Lutheranism, Methodism, Baptist, Presbyterianism, Episcopalism,
Protestant, Anglican.

Okay, Ive thought of four terms for unearthly things. They are the
supernatural, occult, paranormal, and metaphysical. Also, for philosophy,

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specifically, philosophy means and includes five fields of study and

discourse: logic, esthetics, ethics, politics, and metaphysics (not the
supernatural kind). Also, about great western philosophers. They include
Plato, Aristotle, Francis Bacon, Spinoza, Voltaire, Immanuel Kant,
Schopenhauer, Herbert Spencer, Friedrich Nietzsche, contemporary
European philosophers like Henri Bergson, Benedetto Croce, and Bertrand
Russell. There are also contemporary American philosophers like George
Santayana, William James, and John Dewey. I got all these names out of The
Story of Philosophy by Will Durant, supposedly one of the greatest thinkers
and writers of our time.

I was just watching CNN or some channel similar to that, and it seems like
George W. Bush is giving up on the public school system. He supports
grants and vouchers, and hes giving off a lot of voucher money to many
parents of teenagers who are failing in public schools.

Wow, Im listening to the radio, and Im listening to a story told from the
narrative of a woman inmate. Her story is that one day her daughter came
home from Nathaniel Green middle school with cuts on her face, so she
went to her childs school later that day, asked her daughter to point out the
one who did that two her, which she did, pointing out the girl with the
backpack. She walked up to the girl and asked her why she did that. The girl
snapped What the fuck do you want!? Leave me alone! After that, she
proceeded to slice the childs face many times with a razor, nearly cutting
her nose off completely, and the girl got sent to the hospital for surgery.
Man, thats bad karma that that little bully girl had. The girl was vicious. So
was the mother of the victim child. The bad karma got them both in the end.
The bully ended up nearly dieing and getting sent to the hospital and the
mother was sent to a jail for three and a half years. This is a sad, horrifying,
and disturbingly true story. This womans vengeful rage turned her into an
antagonist and protagonist all at the same time. And despite hearing this
story, I dont think that children in general should be viewed as the
antagonists. I think its a combination of factors that cause some children
and teenagers to do evil, heathenistic, and horrid things.

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The only thing about Journalism is that youre not allowed to truly have a
voice. You have to be the bad guy and merely report the facts.

The secret of genius, lies in the clear and partial perception of the objective,
the essential, and the universal. Geniuses arent controlled entirely by their
wills. It is this removal of the personal equation, which leaves the genius so
maladapted in the world of will-filled, practical, personal activity. By seeing
so far he does not see what is near; he is imprudent and queer; and while
his vision is hitched to a star he falls into a well. Hence, partly, the
unsociability of the genius; he is thinking of the fundamental, the universal,
the eternal; others are thinking of the temporary, the specific, the immediate;
his mind and theirs have no common ground, and never meet. As a rule, a
man is sociable just in the degree in which he is intellectually poor and
generally vulgar:

Schopenhauer (philosopher).

Einstein, Isaac Newton, and da Vinci are exactly the type of people
Schopenhauer describes when he states his definition of genius. I guess what
hes saying is that many geniuses are miserable because they never could see
close enough towards their direct, confined current reality to function in a
society of normal and average people. Maybe I too could be the next Dalai
Lama (seeming as knowledgeable and wise as him, one of the greatest
modern Buddhists of all time) as long as I study up on what I think and
believe. Its true. Buddhism differs from Christianity in the fact that its
more profound, as one philosopher has stated. I think that one of the
differences between western and eastern culture or American and Asian
culture is that it seems as if western culture seems to place a sociably
acceptable emphasis on desiring (from what Ive observed in other people
around me, almost everyone wants weight-loss, fame, sex, money, happiness
of acceptance.), while its against many eastern religions to desire and have
too much attachment to worldly things at all, in the fact that it is believed by
Buddhists to be the direct cause of suffering and dissatisfaction.

I havent yet figured out how I came to become gifted. I just know that I am,
and that Im on a conscious and constant quest in search of knowledge. Im

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going to try to make a conscious effort not to preach my beliefs to other

people verbally. I feel its not my place to preach, just enlighten. I know Ive
made a conscious effort to become wise. It hasnt really come naturally,
until as of late.

There. Ive spewed my analytical filth for today. Since for writing Im my
own boss, like a typical boss, Im telling myself to shut up and get to work,
or more specifically, drawing.

The thing about choosing to be an entertainer instead of choosing a

leadership or academic job is that theres always that risk involved that
youll only be known as the one who entertains, and not as a great thinker
(a.k.a. one who enlightens people, guides people and makes other people
smarter and benefit mentally.) I hope to be a mixture of entertainer, and
thinker, all while keeping physically fit and not becoming obese.

One complex word is totalitarianism, kind of like dictatorship and

communism. What I want to do is when I write things and people read it, I
want to blow their minds and show them that someone could reach that
higher level of consciousness, genius and thinking. Polytheism,
totalitarianism, anarchism, metaphysics, necrophilia,
misogyny,
abolitionism, Confucianism, Anglophobia, lexicography, theocracy,
entrepreneur are all big words that Ive learned about. Ive got better things
to write about than bathroom humor and bigoted jokes. I wont subject my
mentality to the trivial. I know Im way above that neo-Neanderthal level, so
therefore Ive made a mentally moral vow not to go below it, unless Im
displaying it for the sake of displaying ignorance at its prime. I wont deny
their existence, but I also wont condone their existence. Its one thing to
write at a higher apex. Its another and more challenging one to think at a
higher apex.

I thought about a lot of things during work. The duality of social variety,
Platos philosophy of defining form, the fact that I have trouble seeing eye
to eye with the people at my work, and the fact that the United States is one
of the most powerful and independent nations in the world is, in my opinion,

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because its also one of the most cynical and aggressive. I think its possible
that philosophy is the origin of science and religion.

Now about the duality of social variety. I think its a good thing that we have
a lot of different people here in Florida. If we had only one type of person,
only one type of race, one type of age, who belonged to one type of religion
and all liked the same things, it would be like eating the same food and
wearing the exact same clothing every day, all year round. After a while it
would get redundant and boring. Thats the amazing thing about America.
Now not everyone in this country is a good person all the time, but when
you receive an open variety of things, to maintain stability and duality, you
in a way have to take the bad with the good, because you dont really have
an option.

Would like to by CDs by the great composers of history, like Mozart and
Beethoven, just like Id like to buy books about and by the great American
and European painters, as well as inventors, thinkers, philosophers and
authors of the past. Im not counting directors because film, television and
animation are too modern to be considered classic. The places Id search for
them would also include Japan, South America, France and Ireland.

Not only fascinated by art, writing and creativity, but also by History,
current events, pop culture, science, philosophy, religion, culinary things,
geography, English, business, economics and government, although I
wouldnt necessarily say that I have a gift for all these things.

I think Id like to, through my thought and work, merge western and eastern
thought, along with a touch of intelligence and spirituality. Anything that
interests me, I can learn about easily. I do want to promote pacifism,
philosophy and world peace.

Im sick of bragging arrogantly about how intelligent I am. Im not that

smart. Im always seeking new knowledge and wisdom. Right now, I dont
seek creativity. I already have plenty of it and know nearly exactly how to

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use it to my advantage. Art requires genius, but true art cannot be produced
unless the artist first learns how to see and draw properly and naturally. You
have to know the basics to create real art; otherwise youll usually end up
with something very crude in nature. Artists who go this route usually dont
understand the process they use any better than theyd know how to critique
someone elses drawing in a way thats beneficial to the other usually
aspiring artist. Oh Jesus! Im turning into an art snob, but thats only because
Ive become more skilled and knowledgeable at my craft. Very few can take
the alternative route of the drawing process and actually make enough
money to live off of, but a few do, despite this simple and to the point fact.
If you want youre art to be temporary, than dont learn how to draw and just
do youre usual shtick that youre comfortable with, which will usually stop
you from doing something new completely at one point, but if you want
your art to be timeless, you have to learn how to travel outside your comfort
zone and learn how to see, draw and composite properly. I know a lot about
how to approach drawing, but Im still learning How to Draw in general. I
know most of the basics. I just need to learn how to put them to physical use
and construct the ideas I have floating around and boiling in my head.
Therere plenty of artists who are ahead of me in the fact that they can
demonstrate their visual ideas on paper successfully, who already understand
the drawing basics.

I got off of school today because Im coming down with a cold. So instead, I
woke up late and surfed the internet. Ive found out about new authors and
paranormal terms. Authors like Ken Wilber, H.G. Wells, Jules Verne,
George Orwell, and Aldous Huxley.

As for the paranormal terms, among the hundreds that there are, two of them
include numerology and necromancy. Numerology usually involves adding
the digits of your birth date with the sum of the letters in your full name. It
teaches you how to live your life according to numbers. Very weird. Also,
necromancy means, in some occult and religious beliefs, divination by
means of communication with the spirits of deceased persons, or it can also
mean black magic; or sorcery. John Edward is a necromancer in that show
Crossing Over with John Edward, on the Sci-Fi Channel.

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Just recently Ive been watching more of Oprah Winfrey and Larry King
Live. You can call me a fag for watching Oprah, but I dont care. You can
call me boring for watching Larry King, but I dont care about that either.
I like those shows, regardless of what bigoted people think.

Since I want to become a great artist, I have to learn how to draw first. And
since I want to become a great writer as well, Im going to learn how to
write as well. So for really good books on how to draw, there are Drawing
on the Right Side of the Brain and The Natural Way to Draw. For writing,
there are The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White, On
Writing: A Memoir on the Craft by Stephen King, and then theres The
Complete Guide to Fiction Writing by Barnaby Conrad.

That was cool. I just got off of the phone, because I ordered a pizza from
Pizza Hut. I ordered a Big New Yorker, stuffed crust, with half sausage, half
sausage and mushroom for toppings. I love pizza, and if I could eat it once
every week, Id love that.

Ive fallen way behind on reading my journal files. As far as reading goes,
Im three files behind. I guess I know what its like to be a genius. We
geniuses are people to. Were not gods or genetic experiments. Just people
who can think universally, see what can benefit the future, and accumulate
certain knowledge much easier than most people. Even geniuses arent
omniscient. Albert Einstein, George Orwell, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Thomas
Edison, Stanley Kubrick, Alfred Hitchcock, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Plato
never were, even though they were all geniuses and great thinkers. They
were very, very, very good at certain things, but not everything. I dont have
to worry about thinking outside the box. I already do that with ease. All I
have to do now is take it to the next level, and develop and spread my
thoughts, for the benefit of humanity. I believe that what I have to say is
relevant to the evolution and development of society and humanity, as well
as human knowledge. I think creativity and philosophy are crucial to the
welfare of the human mind in general.

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You know, during my freshmen year of high school, at public school, I did
terrible. My grades were horrible. Was I really smarter than 90% of the
people in my classes? That I dont know. I do know that they paid more
attention in class then I did, therefore they retained more academic
information than me, sometimes I wonder if the same thing would happen
now. If only my classmates could see me now. Come to think of it, if only
they could see me ten years from now. Creativity is more important than
knowledge, as Albert Einstein once stated. Thats one of his famous quotes.
Too many new writers fall into the clich well of telling pseudoautobiographies, while writing oversimplified and over obvious plots as well
as dialogue, with a few fancy words sprinkled here and there to make the
writer over-glorify his intelligence, all while substance underneath the
surface is quite lacking. Maybe writers arent setting their standards high
enough. Actually, I think ignorance in the writing world actually keeps some
kind of balance, because if all writers tried to live up to a genius level of
story crafting, half of the writers in the business would go crazy from
frustration trying to live up to this perfect, higher level of quality. So I guess
its better being stuck with a few exceptions of substance, rather than having
half of a creative population failing to try to be exceptions and trying to live
up to elevated expectations. Most people think of creativity and intelligence
as gifts from God, and think either you have it or you dont. I would like to
believe this, and truly want to, although Ive always had somewhat of a gut
feeling that theres some kind of deeper reason or response that would
seem quite logical and would not necessarily be relating completely, or not
at all, to the metaphysical realm of existence and creation. Maybe Im not a
genius. I might be just another regular human being, or a poor schmuck who
thought himself to be some kind a genius, but then again, I kind of doubt that
notion, because I think Im one of those people with a great mental
intellectual capacity and inventive creative ability, who works very hard at
times. If Im such a genius, than how come I havent gotten to drawing yet
today. I sure do act like a self-absorbed son of a bitch sometimes, though.

In my day job at the supermarket, its my body that primarily does the work
and earns the money. If I dont do any physical labor, I dont make any
money and I get fired. In a job like writing or drawing, though, it would be
mainly my brain that would be paying the bills. Sure Id have to use my
hands to draw or write, but with out the ideas and brain activity, the hands
mean nothing. Thats a good thing, considering that I feel my body and
hands are merely a vessel through witch enormous amounts of brain activity

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flow. How the two interact, I dont know, but I do know writing at a fast
pace and drawing well take a lot of hand-eye coordination. I like being a
poet, songwriter, musician, inventor and painter as well. I cant wait to go
through a phase where I practice songwriting and painting until I get
proficient at all of them.

Before I realized I was a Buddhist-happy-philosopher-creative and

intellectual genius, I was immersed in desire, materialism, rage, insecurity,
skepticism, depression, and suffering. I just wanted to be rich, famous,
funny, weird, funky, and admired. Now I dont seek or desire much of
anything. I only seek knowledge and happiness, and Ive found the
beginning of having both of those things. I know I have knowledge and
wisdom, but I usually attempt to display these things without seeming like a
know-it-all, arrogant, egotistical prick. Genius does come mostly from a
lifetime of hard work, not from laziness, selfishness and self-indulgence. Id
rather seek to benefit humanity than simply benefit myself. The latter would
be quite self-defeating, as far as progress is concerned. When I finish filling
up this page with words, Im going to switch to filling a page up with
artwork instead. I was put on this earth, either by evolution or God (maybe
both. God could have started the evolutionary process), for a reason and a
purpose. And I feel that its to change people for the better and make an
impact in at least one persons life, and to bring joy, love, compassion and
happiness to myself, and the people around me. I could probably think of
many reasons beside this one, but I say its this one merely because this is
the first reason that came into my mind. My goal is no longer to make
masterpieces. I have no control over that. Its merely to benefit humanity
and intellect in general. I need to stop labeling myself a genius. I know Im
something similar to that, but in my opinion, that might be another form of
labeling.

I cant remember that last time I actually physically said a curse word. Ill
write curse words, but in real life, I hardly ever say them. I dont really
curse. I use right action.

In middle school, I used to be in gifted classes, and was pretty much ignored
and seen as a joke by my classmates. I recovered from that period of my

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youth eventually. It doesnt bother me at all now, but it did at the time. I
think most smart people feel disrespected and under-appreciated by their
classmates during middle and high school. Middle school and high school
are hard times for almost every kid. When I turn 21, Ill be twice as wise,
mature and knowledgeable as I am now, and thats the truly amazing thing
about growing up. I wouldnt mind being an outcast messiah, or a hero and
idol to intellectual geeks everywhere. When I go into comic books,
animation, and novel writing, those things just might happen. No one can
predict if and when it will.

In this temporary day-in-age, its good to see bands that can still make
history, start controversy or become legendary. Bands like Nirvana, The
Smashing Pumpkins, Alanis Morrisette, Marilyn Manson, No Doubt, Rage
Against The Machine, The Beastie Boys, Moby, Eminem, Sting, Sinead
OConnor, Green Day, Madonna, Mariah Carrey, R.E.M., Pearl Jam, Jewel,
Metallica, Cher, Billy Joel, Elton John, Nine Inch Nails, Beck, Dave
Matthews Band, Radiohead, Phish, Primus, They Might Be Giants,
Barenaked Ladies.

Definitely planning on visiting, if not living in, L.A. and New York City
(Manhattan). New York has good radio, comic books, theatre, music,
television, filmmakers and film schools. Paris, Tokyo, Dublin, England,
Toronto. Id love to visit any one of these places during my lifetime.

One thing I should do is start making up some creative exercises to do, so

that I can find my own personal way how to tap into my creative genius,
even though on a certain level I already have. Im not a creative genius all of
the time, just sometimes. Genius comes primarily from hard work. I dont
know about other people, but to make good work, I usually have to work
very hard and spend a whole day working.

It can be a very tough thing to teach things like intelligence and wisdom. I
think I may have lost my touch. I havent thought up any new creations in a
long time (a long time for me being two or three weeks.), although I have
worked a lot.

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The thing is that in my fields, I dont really have that much competition
because Im coming from a different direction altogether. I realize Im
coming from somewhere else. So its my job as my own boss to keep
challenging myself and trying to reach that new and higher level of quality.
Unless Im working with a staff, producers or editors, I have to answer to no
one, except myself, which in a way is scary; in the fact that I could fuck up;
and reassuring, because no one tells me what to do, all at the same time. No
one tells me how creative I need to be for the day. Im the only one that has
to do that.

One thing I cannot do is live peacefully and altruistically without

compassion as well as a way to creatively express myself through ideas and
concepts. I dont necessarily need these things like I need oxygen, water or
food in order to survive, but I certainly do benefit from their existence. I
wasnt saying that to try to sound clever or ingenious. I was merely saying
how I feel about the benefits of my life. Someone can quote me on this if
they want. Im proud of the way I said it, even though it pretty much did
come naturally, and it didnt require any pre-thinking to say it, which is one
of the reasons I consider myself a genius. Thats sounds like something a
genius would say, so I guess, since you cant categorize that as a mental
disorder, therefore it is genius.

I dont like Leaf Season because it is a fictional story of pure, raw suffering,
but I do feel that it needs to be finished and published, because it is
somewhat of a catharsis in my life for my earlier high school period, or a
chapter in my life that needs to be written, read and put to rest. Its no Anne
Franks Diary or Carrie but it did serve as a form of escapism for me during
my teenage period of suffering. Im proud of my genius, but I dont feel Ill
ever be at the same level of success as Stephen King, Dave Barry, Ray
Bradbury, Bret Easton Ellis, Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino, Nick Hornby,
Thomas Harris, Spielberg, Frank Cho, Jeff Smith, or Jhonen Vasquez.

If Kevin Smith were to do something more lacking in crudeness and more

serious as well as very intelligent, I think hed be destined for Oscar gold.

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I also think its impressive that the Beatless 1 album has been number one
on the Billboard charts for such a large amount of time. Its also nice to see
They Might Be Giants breaking into the music mainstream, with their song
Boss of Me being the theme song to Malcolm in the Middle, as well as
opening the Malcolm soundtrack.

I just got done talking to Stephen on the phone, and it sounds like he wants
to go in a different direction with the film thing. I think thats fine. We just
have to get some new ideas for films that are a couple minutes long. Hes
seems interested in the never judge a book by its cover theme, which is a
theme I like. Im going to try to get ideas for this theme.

Maybe Ive sold out, and I might be a hack as well. Im not exactly sure
what a hack is. I think it might be a person whos become very successful
without any actual real talent, and without actually learning how to master
their craft. There also seems to be something missing from the modern
entertainment industry that I cant quite put my finger on. Possibly a lack of
inspiration, leadership and innovation that used to be there but seems to have
evaporated over the course of the 19th century. People either want to be in it
for the money or either answer to no one and make almost no money. No
one seems to want to innovate or cover the middle ground between these two
points. If you try to go in-between, usually the industry, critics, the academy,
as well as the public give you a unanimous upturned middle finger, and say
Youre on your own, pal! Actually, I shouldnt say that. I havent been
there so I guess I dont really know.

Im not sure what else to say. I think my wisdom gland has been all taped
out. Maybe Ive written so much that Ill never write again, but somehow I
doubt it. Its getting way too easy for me. Why quit now? Im approaching
writing four pages in a single day once again. Thats amazing. Over 400
pages in less than a year and a half, as well as 4 pages of writing and an hour
of drawing in a single day, and after all this so-called work my brain doesnt
even work. I havent even gotten depressed about the way my life is going. I
just havent tried to think too much about things to do. I just wrote what
came naturally to me. I seem to be getting more efficient at my writing
lately. It seems to be getting easier and easier as time goes on. I think the

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most intimidating thing, for me anyway, about writing is coming up with a

basic plot and basic main characters. I think once I can master these two
things, itll make my work a lot easier. Tomorrow, Im going to do my best
to not write much at all since I spent all day writing today, and focus on
simply drawing. I already know Im a good writer, but as far as Im
concerned, my drawing ability is very lacking based on my personal
standard. Im not sure if I should try to overachieve and go for five pages
today, or if I should call it quits, sit back, lie on my bed, kick my feet up and
listen to Sound Opinions. If I get stuck, Ill quit, but as long as I can keep
thinking of things to write about, then Ill keep writing. I wonder if I wrote
TOO much, but whos to say how much is too much.

I like writing the words CDs, DVD, Final Fantasy VII, and Playstation 2 on
this word processor. I like using capitalized initials, for one reason or
another.

If youre going to be a writer, there are three things you have to do. You
have to be creative, you have to know grammar, and you have to read a lot
as well as write a lot. You should write every day if, its at all possible.

There are two things that arent the most respectable things a person can do.
They are masturbating and drinking beer or alcohol. When I turn twentyone, Ill probably do both of these things during my spare time. I wonder if
Im a sage or a genius. Maybe neither. A sage is a man whos very wise. A
genius is a person whos extremely intelligent and creative. Supposedly,
Jesus and Buddha were sages. Einstein was the genius. Compared to him,
Im a schmuck. If youre a sage, from what Ive read by Ken Wilber, that
means you most likely dont indulge yourself in desirable human pleasure
and make the usual mistakes that many humans make. It means youre godlike or saint-like. In a way, if youre a sage, some would consider you a
messiah. I guess the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, or even John Lennon
would fit these descriptions.

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Regular people tend to idolize people they see on television and the radio, or
in books, music, magazines or comic books. Im not smart enough to be
idolized, though.

Im not sure what else to say, although I told myself that I wouldnt quit
writing until 1:00 p.m. to move onto drawing.

The first cassette I got was either They Might Be Giants Flood, or Green
Days Dookie. I also remember that the first CDs I bought were the No
Doubts Tragic Kingdom album, and the Primus Tales from the Punchbowl
album. The first journal I got was a Christmas present from my parents. I
remember when I was little, it was 1989 or 1990, and I was with my family
when we were in Illinois visiting relatives, when we were all gathered
around the television watching the premiere of The Simpsons. It was the
Christmas special. The Santas Little Helper episode. I also remember
watching a lot of episodes of You Cant Do That On Television on
Nickelodeon, as well as Duckman, Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Beavis and
Butthead, as well as Parker Lewis Cant Lose. I remember when Snick used
to have a good lineup with shows that actually made me want to stay tuned
the entire time. Man, I can hardly believe how much things have changed.
This is the DVD, Internet, era, so a lot of things have changed. I dont know
if there ever will be another Pink Floyd, Nirvana, or Smashing Pumpkins.
Some say Tool and NIN could be the Generation X version of Pink Floyd.

I think if a person wants to work creatively and create masterpieces and

works of beauty, than I think it helps if that person lives and works in a place
filled with beauty. That is not always the case though. Hopefully Ill get to
live in one of those places eventually, but for now Im content living in just
another average neighborhood, and not in a mansion thats located in a
somewhat mountainous forested area with beautiful and intricate
architecture, near a very artsy looking studio. Thats where some creative
celebrities live. When I get my own house, Im going to decorate it
creatively. It would be very fashionable and colorful. If I make a lot of
money per year, I plan to work harder than I do now.

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I just finished playing catch/tag with our kitten, so I ran around the house
chasing Princess, and Im all worn out now. Right now Im all tapped out of
words of wisdom to speak. I feel stupid now, but somehow more spiritual.

As for me, Im not sure what I am. I could be Mexican, Puerto Rican,
Italian, White, Latin, Indian, or French. I dont think Im black, though.

I havent bought a new issue of a black and white underground comic book
in a long time, with the exception of Strangers in Paradise, partially because
I havent seen any good ones on the comic book store shelves lately. Ive
primarily bought manga, Trade Paperbacks, Alan Moore books, Vertigo
books, and Image comics, as well as Liberty Meadows.

I wonder whos going to create the classics for the new generation. You
know, the people that are alive from 2000 to 2500 and beyond, I know its
not going to be me, but I wonder who its going to be. If and when I have
kids and grandkids, I wonder what theyll cherish forever and tell their kids
about. Actually, I guess I never should say never. I guess I could create
classics for a new generation, but do I really want to do that? I dont know.
Maybe.

This sucks. My CD player got broken, so right now I cant listen to any CDs,
just radio. I must write! I need to think of something to write about or Ill go
crazy. Im not your average person. Im adopted, Im Buddhist, Im
agnostic, Im a genius, Im ethnic, and Im a writer / artist / director /
inventor / musician / pacifist. Im all of these things. I suck though. I dont
know why. I just do. If I were to write 400 pages per year for ten years, Id
have 4,000 pages written in ten years. That would be amazing. I dont think
Ill ever write a 1,000 page novel like Stephen King. I think the most Id do
in a single novel would be 700 or 800 pages. Id definitely have to release
that novel in a hardcover version first, and after a year or so Id release it in
soft cover, and thats not counting the large print edition as well as the audio
book version. Now imagine if this 7 or 800 page book I wrote got on a
national or international bestseller list, both as a hardcover and soft cover.
That would be a lot of money coming my way. Wed be talking six digits

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here. But Im more concerned with writing a good book, rather than with
how much money I could possibly make. If I made a lot of money Id give
some away to charities as well as my family.

Im going to have to get my ass to work pretty soon. Im going to give it my

best effort, no matter how grouchy some of the customers are. I do my best
to give compassion, love and kindness for everyone I meet and see.

What kind of word would describe what Im feeling now? Suffering,

anguish, stressed, miserable, sad, lonely, dissatisfied, unappreciated,
unfulfilled, unhappy, depressed. Im not sure. Somethings bothering me.
Thats for certain. Maybe its because I feel like I cant relate to many
people who I know, with the exception of a few. Maybe my partial desire for
a better job than the one I have now is at the root of my suffering and
misery. I have to put my faith in Buddhas teachings, or I wont be happy
permanently. As long as I dont have to see ignorant and miserable people,
Im temporarily happy, but I cant always have that, so Im going to have to
adjust

Well, academically, I dont believe Im a genius. I think Im only a genius in

the creative area. The average IQ is usually 100, and my mother has told me
mines somewhere around 130 or 140, and the genius range is around 150 or
160 and higher. I guess a silly thing like IQ doesnt really matter anyways.

There are things that anyone can become a genius at, and thats what they
know best. Im making it my mission to become a genius at bagging and my
day job. My speed for bagging groceries is very quick. However, I have
obtained some knowledge and wisdom from experience. That knowledge is
this: The trick to perfect bagging lies not in the quickness and reflexes of the
hands, but more in the accuracy with which they use to place and grasp the
groceries. You can have all the speed in the world, but if you dont hold and
align the groceries as well as categorize them properly, youll have a much
harder time doing an efficient job. I also tried to solve some mathematical
equations I randomly thought up for myself out of the blue. Like if it takes
me four seconds to bag X amount of groceries at a time, I spend 2 minutes

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bagging groceries, which is how long it takes the cashier to ring the
groceries up and hand the receipt to the customer, then while the cashiers
doing this, how many groceries did I bag in two minutes.

I didnt know that Buddhism was newer than Hinduism. Buddhism is

actually a spawn and rebellion religion of Hinduism. It was started in India.
Both Buddhism and Hinduism believe in rebirth.

Have just heard two new things. The first is that Pedro & Me by Judd
Winick is up for a Pulitzer Prize nomination, and the second is that a huge
earthquake has just struck India. Many have died and many more have been
injured. Just knowing the suffering that these people are feeling is making
me feel very sad. I have much compassion for these people. Maybe tonight
Ill pray for them. I do value human life, regardless of race, after all.

Im not the most enlightened person to ask when it comes to reciting

academic factual information, but I am quite wise about certain things. I love
thinking. If I had a choice, Id never want to stop thinking. I know Einstein
won the Nobel Prize for physics for the theory of relativity, during the year
of 1921. If there are two subjects I know practically nothing about, but
would absolutely cherish knowing everything about, they would be
mathematics and the sciences, but I suppose Im leaving out music,
philosophy, history, economics, and government. I value my knowledge as
well as admire, appreciate, and envy people who have a lot more of it then I
do. I guess admitting that I feel envious of people at times confirms the
existence of my ego, however big it may be. Jealousy, to me, is a trait of
egotism. Some people know so much because they can retain a tremendous
amount of knowledge as well as always keep their minds active.

I would think that with all the progress humans have made over the last 2000
years, that even paintings made at the dawn of the millennium would look
inferior to the drawings made now, with all the artistic knowledge thats
going around, but it seems to be just the opposite. What I mean is look at a
drawing or painting by the universal genius, Leonardo Da Vinci or one by
Vincent Van Gogh, and then look at artwork by Will Eisner, Charles M.

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Schulz, Todd McFarlane, or even Dave Sim, and youll see theres no
comparison in terms of craftsmanship and ingenious thought process. So
how can drawings made in the 1400s seem so superior to ones drawn 600
years later, regardless of whether theyre drawn in Italy or America. How
has arts growth seemed to have been stunted over the years, as well as the
growth of writing, philosophy and genius? The great thinkers at the dawn of
the millennium seemed to have been so much better-rounded then the ones
near the end of it. Maybe its technology and society that is the cause of
what seems to be a backwards evolution. The only American painters that
Ive seen whose work is somehow comparable to the great artists of the
renaissance, as far as Ive seen, have been Norman Rockwell and Dean
Cornwell.

Im puzzled as to what to talk about now. I drew for about an hour and the
its only going to take one, two or three more days for my first awe-inspiring
portfolio piece to be done, thank the gods, and right now its looking
extremely good. I couldnt be more proud of it. Now all I have to do is
search for more great images to draw and illustrate, and after I get some
more illustration pieces done, Im going to move onto a ton of life drawing,
and I know what I have to do for life drawing. Ive done a good job. For
once, things in my life are going right on schedule. I feel so blessed. I think
Voltaire said it best when he said God is dead, even though Im not so
sure that it and or they are. Some people think no one truly believes in God
anymore and others believe anyone can if they truly do want to.

When I move out, I think Im really going to miss the things in my

hometown, located comfortably in Casselberry, Florida. I hope I like
California and New York a lot. Id better, because Im probably going to be
living in those places. I guess I do have a fear of flying. Its not that Im
afraid of flying per say. Its more that Im afraid of crashing, to be more
specific. I do believe in the evolutionary process and natural selection. I
think monkeys and fish were here before humans were, and lizards as well
as reptiles evolved from dinosaurs.

Anyways, Im trying to think of other things to write about. I dont want to

fall into the lazy habits of thinking and get all my ideas from reading and

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from hearing other people say things. I have to go to my job today at 4:00
oclock, and Im excited. Im going to try my best to work as hard today as I
did the last day I worked. The hardest working artists in the business work
so hard that they dont get to frustrated drawing anything after a while, no
matter what it is they draw, like Burne Hogarth and Norman Rockwell. They
could draw anything wonderfully. I dont want to be a lazy working artist. I
want to expand my artistic horizons and be able to draw anything if I work
hard enough at it. Thats not too much to ask of myself, is it? Also, at one
point or another in my artistic journey, I noticed something about art. Its
that some drawings have a certain type of visual charisma while others dont
and seem kind of painful and bland. What I mean is some drawings
sometimes are enjoyable to look at over and over again. I know some of my
drawings have this, but not all of them. Another goal of mine would be to
capture that visual charisma in ever drawing that I did, or at least most of
them. I believe Ive gotten a lot better at this trick over time. I dont know
what it is, but theres something in some drawings that makes them fun. I
think thats what commercial art, especially animation and comic books,
should be. The same can apply for music, visuals and writing. Fun visuals
can apply to detailed as well as simple, or cartoony composition. Thats my
opinion, anyways. Another thing drawings should have is life or
liveliness, which is a thing I learned from my teacher, Phil. A lot of
drawings by comic book as well as animation artists can look flat, stiff,
and/or lifeless, whether its the pose, the line quality or expression. A lot of
underground comic books fall into this trap in their attempts to seem nonconventional, which might explain why they dont sell well. The thing many
underground artists dont understand is that youre artwork can be nonconventional as well as dynamic. Im sure a lot of artists think you have to
do one or the other.

Well, I guess I tried some new things today. I bought a new comic. The
Coffin, and I tried a new soft drink, Cherry Coke.

I guess Id better learn to describe what its like being a creative genius,
since Ive discovered I am one. I couldnt tell you what its like to be a
traditional academic genius, but when it comes to creativity, my intellect is
way up there with some of the best of em. At times its hard to get much of
anything that contains substance to go through my head, but when my mind
is the most active, even I sometimes find it tough to believe that such

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profound visuals and ideas have been bestowed upon me by whatever higher
power may exist, whether its the gods, Allah, Jesus, Satan, God, or
something else. Maybe its not caused by a higher power. Maybe its
somehow been triggered by the internal mechanisms within my own
physical body, or brain to be more specific.

Im not trying to break my arm patting my back or anything, but I might be a

type of visionary whos also a renaissance man. If I was bragging, Id be
saying that Im the best thing to come along since Einstein, Will Eisner,
John Lennon, and Nietzsche, but Id never say that. They were far greater
thinkers than me. They could kick my ass in a wisdom contest.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 28

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March 2001

When I was in school today, near the end of today, complimented me. She
asked, Howd you get so smart, Joey? The only somewhat logical
conclusion or explanation that I could come up with is that as a teenager,
Ive spent a lot of time alone, so Ive had a lot of time to philosophize,
reflect on my life or life in general, and just plain think.

I was born in 1983, a decade of amazing growth in the computer industry, or

The computer revolution if you will. A time when abortion or a womens
right to choose was a lot less widely used, and adoption was often the only
choice, and thank God, because otherwise I might not have been born at all
or ended up with the supportive family that I have, because yes, I do value
my own life. In the year of 1983, and it was six years prior to the fall of the
Berlin Wall, which is a news event I remember vaguely, because I was
merely a young child at the time it happened. 1983 happened in a time when
the world somehow seemed more innocent, after the Kennedy years, before
Columbine, after Pearl Harbor, before I was enrolled in a psychiatric
hospital and moved to a private school, after the first 1969 Woodstock
concert of hippie peace and love, and before TRL even existed. I honestly
dont remember much about cultural events of the 80s but I do remember
certain things in my life that happened during the 90s quite fondly. I dont
remember every single thing about my own life, although I do remember
certain things quite vividly, like many people do Im sure. When I was little,
I wasnt as smart as I am or a Buddhist/agnostic/theist back then, or at least I
didnt know that I was (after all, I could have been all these things all along.
I just might not have known it.)

One thing thats true is that just because a person has more money then other
people, that doesnt mean that theyre a better person or that they have any
more morality than the person who has less then one third of what the rich
person has. Money does not substitute for morality. It never has, and it never
will, and thats the truth of which I speak, not bullshit.

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Heres a weird idea. What if Charles Darwins body was resurrected from
the grave so that he, the undead Darwin, could lead an army of evolution
preaching atheists into a revolt a uprising against the Christians in a huge
war. This war could probably be categorized and called both World War III,
and the Apocalypse. That would be interesting. And the cool thing is that
you could replace Darwin and the atheists with Marilyn Manson and the
Satan worshippers, and youd still have the same result, World War III and
the Apocalypse. And heres another idea. What if Eminem turned out to be
the next Adolf Hitler, built a group of homophobic slim shady-nazis, and
Eminem tried to commit genocide and started a second Holocaust and tried
to eliminate the entire inferior race of homosexuals, or fags as he and
many of his listeners or fans seem to enjoy calling them, while the whole
rest of the world does absolutely nothing about it, and many years
afterwards, most people will ask once again How did it happen? How did
we let this happen? So would the real Shady-Nazi please stand up, please
stand up, please stand up? Yes, there are takeovers everywhere. George W.
Bush, the theocrat, is trying to impose a somewhat fascistic theocracy on the
US government already, and Im not even making this one up, which means
hes trying to put religion in charge of the government, and not the politics
themselves in charge of the government. This is happening right now as we
speak. That would explain why Al Gore lost the recount and Bush keeps
speaking with members of the Catholic Church. I am one weird bastard for
thinking these things.

Sometimes I wonder if there are any new-generation Jean-Paul Sartres alive

today. Hes the one who declined a Nobel Prize. What I mean is that is
materialism so prevalent today that no writer, artist, or director would say no
to accepting a revered award? because after all, entertainment and peace
prizes are some of the most valued and sought after material possessions of
all. So have times changed that much that no one of today has a strong
enough opposition and conviction against materialism and worldly
possessions that theyd decline accepting one of the most valued material
possessions of all. I would like to say that this is the case for me and that Im
the exception. I would want to desperately, to show that I am different, but if
it actually happened, Im not sure if I could be strong enough to do so. Even
if I werent, then it would make me seem like quite the hypocrite.

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Also, Im wondering what the difference is between Buddhism and Zen

Buddhism, or Taoism and Confucianism.

I think Im doing relatively well. I get along with nearly all of the kids at
school, even the ones I dont really like. I think it might be because I have
good karma, compassion, altruism, humor, and kindness. Im a good person.
I know that. If I never make a million dollars (and I dont plan to make
anywhere near that much), then I at least want to be a good person, and not
wicked, vulgar, mean-spirited and rude. One thing I dont want other people
to be is intimidated by me, even if Im famous. I want people to be open
with me and look towards me as just another person. Im not sure if I want
people to look at me as a god, genius, celebrity, or one of the enlightened,
even though Im probably most of these, except a god, the enlightened, or
celebrity. I dont know if I do Gods work. I do know that Im trying to
make Buddha proud, though. I wouldnt mind being someones messiah,
savior, guardian angel, role model or just friend though. If I make one single
person less isolated and lonely, then Ive already accomplished part of my
mission on here on Earth, even if its after Im dead, because one of my
goals is to alleviate as much suffering in other people as I can.

I want my work to reflect life. In life, there is fear, there is weirdness, there
is comfort, there is sadness, there is joy and happiness, and there is much
conflict. There is also often a rising action and resolution or resolutions, and
no, I dont necessarily mean death.

If theres one type of entertainment I strongly dislike, it would definitely be

the kind of entertainment that sickens me and makes me sick without any
particular purpose or morals. Tasteless gorefest horror movies do that to me,
and so does bad music and trash talk shows.

I think Ill go meditate pretty soon. And after that, Im getting to the drawing
table. I just finished meditating. I think I really felt the spiritual side of me
during this meditation. This time I used true mantras for the first time, and I
think it did evoke a certain kind of personal energy, (it was amazing) It was
as if I felt my soul was working around me, blanketing my skin. It was a

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type of liveliness and warmth I felt. Good meditation session. Hopefully Ill
have more ones just like it. Now onto drawing and dinner.

I wonder what type of things I have to say about the writing and drawing
process. I guess Id better go discover the drawing process right now. So
here I go before I get too tired. I would like to get to a point where I can
honestly say, I read a lot of books and I write a lot of books each year or
couple years.

Despite the fact that I am a practicing Buddhist, and not a Zen Buddhist, I do
believe in the possible truth to Zen and the power of the Tao. I believe in
Yoga also, even though I havent tried it yet. I did some drawing earlier
tonight, and the drawings turned out quite well, even though I was just
messing around with a pencil on the paper, but that seems to be what I do
best, better then animating or comic book illustrating. Im good at doodling,
sketching and designing.

After doing all this spiritual and mental exercising, I feel more powerful. I
absolutely love being Buddhist and practicing meditation. I think meditation
will help me focus on many things now and in the future. Drawing, writing,
painting, inking, acting, learning Japanese, speed reading, exercise, karma,
yoga, philosophy, typing, computers, retaining and learning new
information, knowledge, playing guitar, poem and song writing. Everything!
I believe this because I honestly think that the meditation session I had today
really did help me stay at the drawing table for an hour or an hour and a half
after I chanted a mantra, telling myself I will draw more than I write, over
and over again. Yes, I know it sounds weird, but it really did work in helping
me have an easier time of getting to the drawing board and staying there.
One thing Ive reflected on is the fact that honesty and kindness are often
the best policies.

I really like reading Ken Wilbers books. Im not sure If Ill like reading
Deepak Chopras books, and Im sure Ill get around to reading his work
eventually, his as well as the work of many of the Nobel and Pulitzer Prize
winners books.

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There always seems to be this peculiar type of debate between my brother

and I against our parents over whether times are really that much different
now then they were twenty, fifty, or a hundred years ago. Andrew and I
seem to be more prone the assumption that times are a lot different now,
while my parents are under the conviction that people arent too much
different now then they were forty or fifty years ago, or more specifically,
people have changed somewhat, but human nature certainly has not. Whos
right? Well, thats one thing I cant exactly answer right away. My brother
and I seem to be convinced that were right, while my parents also think
theyre the ones who are right. Technically, as sentient beings, we are all
one, so whos to say whos right? Maybe Id sound less presumptuous and
more post modern if I said no ones right and everyone is wrong. That might
sound less bigoted, but then again, I dont particularly want to be, or enjoy
being a prisoner and slave to political correctness. Thats the flaw of
political correctness. Its as if it forces everyone to say no ones right
anymore, and theres something about this idea that bothers me. In a way, it
causes a type of repressive anarchy, and that could tend to be more of a
detractor than a benefit for society. Quite frankly, the whole thing bothers
me. Im not giving any particular type of solution here. I dont have enough
self-importance to make a claim like that. Im simply spelling out the
problem, which is a thing I think many geniuses tend to do when theyre
egos arent too big. My ego isnt very noticeable, and Im trying to be
completely egoless. I dont believe in the ego or hatred.

I think Ill be ready to go to bed soon, probably partially out of fear that Ill
run out of things to say for today. However, I think before I go to bed, Ill
meditate a little bit again.

I just read a little bit of Stephen Kings On Writing. Looks like quite a good
book, and very informative as well.

And so, I end another day of hard work, and I go to bed, or hit the hay, if
you will.

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Its good to have things back to normal around here. Well, as normal as
things get around here anyway. I wonder what the difference between the
spirit and the soul is. I believe its important to nourish ones soul through
prayer and meditation, if not one or the other. Im definitely going to try out
yoga sooner or later. So lets see. Have I left any mental, spiritual, and
physical exercises out? Theres meditation, praying, exercise, yoga, Tae-Bo,
reading, journal writing, poetry reading/writing, drawing, book reading, and
music listening. With all of this healthy activity, I think Ive built up my
energy, soul, spirit, focus, and concentration. I am mentally strong, but my
muscles are weak, unfortunately.

Yesterday I was learning some new things about composition, layout or

design from How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way. Good book. It can
definitely be useful to an animator as well as a comic book artist. Im trying
to learn more about having a good layout and making drawings more
dynamic. Ive also decided that I definitely want to work for Marvel and
Walt Disney Feature Animation. Then Im going to do my best to move on
to companies like MTV, Nickelodeon, Warner Bros., Slave Labor, Oni
Press, Caliber Comics, and then Im going to do my best to go to film as
well as cartooning school, and after that Im going to aim for going into
novel writing, and finally, filmmaking. Then after I learn all the crafts, Ill
mix it up and try to jump from medium to medium, hopefully becoming
revered and prolific along the way. My first stop is art school and animation.
First I fully learn how to draw, then I fully learn how to write, and last but
not least, I attempt to fully learn how to direct and make film. And after all
these things are done, I learn how to become financially and spiritually
integral, but thats after many years of spiritual and mental practice and
focusing. Maybe Ill even do some traveling and promotion after all of that
stuff was over.

Im going to have to reread certain parts of my Harry Potter book in the next
couple days for my book report. Not that Im complaining or anything. I
absolutely love that book. The narrative pace is good and unpredictable,
which is a thing that I didnt notice the first time I read the book. The
intrigue and suspense are good also.

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Im going to have to go to work very soon. Another eight hour shift, and
then tomorrow, Sunday, I have to work yet ANOTHER eight hour shift,
which is why Im glad I told them Im not working more then 15 hours a
week after this week is up, because God knows theyd probably have me
work more and more eight hour days, and more and more 25 hour weeks if I
didnt tell them to stop. Theyre raping me of my free time is what theyre
doing, and I dont like it. Theyre also raping me of quite a bit of my free
energy. Thats what they do at the Winn-Dixie where I work. They take
advantage of their employees and use them. Ive been working there a year
and very diligently I might add. But do they give me a single raise. No, of
course not. That does not please me one bit.

I give myself to other people at least once a week, because I work at a local
supermarket where I serve customers and try to be as kind and
compassionate to them and my co-workers as I can. Ive realized that if I
truly want to be altruistic, I must suffer sometimes, just to make other people
happier, although I cant make everyone out there happier. I can only make a
few happier probably. Im concerned about other people, because I and them
are all one, and if I can make more of a connection with them, then Im more
integrated with the cosmos and everything. I cant wait to eventually get
back to developing my projects. I love the characters in these series. There is
so much of me in them, its just amazing. But then again, theres so much in
them thats not me also. I have a different outlook now, so itll be interesting
to see how I approach the writing and drawing process later on. I hope to not
lose what made them cool to me in the first place, except Ill make them
better overall. Im much more profound, spiritual and intellectual now. Im
not quite as nervous and neurotic as I used to be, thank God. But above all,
when Im in the creative process, I want to be able to see the whole picture,
and make the whole picture real and realized, which is why I must learn the
crafts of storytelling and creative skill. If there are two things Im sure Im
never going to do, they are hosting a talk show, and possibly writing a
philosophy book if I have nothing important and universal to say.

One thing that proves that Buddhism and spirituality work is the fact that
Im no longer afraid of solitude and lasting silence anymore. These two
things just give me time to focus my mind and concentrate on spiritual as
well as intellectual integration. Im not lonely, depressed, or afraid of death

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anymore. My stomach feels sickly and staggering sometimes, though. If and

when Im off my medication, I wont let myself revert to my old ways. Id
be too mentally and spiritually weak if I did, so I doubt that I would. To be
honest, I dont like staying up past 10 oclock at night anymore, even if its
to write. I think as long as I keep staying active and meditating, then Ill be
okay.

The thing is that when I create works of storytelling and art, I do want to do
my best to try to merge elements of east and west, like mixing the United
States with Europe, Britain, Ireland, and Japan, but especially Japan for art.
Thats why I want my animation to have an anime influence, elements of
anime (not so much the big eyes like every anime fan seems to do, but more
the visual pacing, detail, crispness, and atmospheric elegance), as well as
elements of American animation in as well, with my own personal touch of
originality and innovation thrown into the mix. And in my comics I want to
experiment so that I can combine elements of American comics (illustration,
superheroes, newspaper cartoons, underground comic books) and manga all
in one when I go into different styles, with a touch of fine art and
expressionistic art thrown in. Maybe thats one of the reasons Im very into
Eastern philosophy and religion, so that I can understand eastern culture and
life better. I am a Buddhist who practices Zen meditation exercises, after all.
As far as writing goes, Im very much into the way British and Irish writers
craft their stories, also.

People in this country take too many things that they have for granted.
People in most other countries of the world have many more unhealthy
living conditions and a lot less luxuries then the people in America. We
dont have lack of money, food, entertainment, and electricity. We dont
have truly fascist and oppressive governments, like Germany used to have.
We live in a democracy, not a monarchy or dictatorship. With all that said,
why do so many people in this country seem so unhappy and miserable.
Maybe its because some of them are cynical, selfish, materialistic,
unenlightened, repressed, and bigoted. Maybe thats one of the reasons I
dont like working at Winn-Dixie, because I dont want to see all the
suffering people, when Im not really suffering much at all. I do have
compassion for these people. I just dont want the unhappiness, hatred and
cynicism rubbed in my face, because I already know its there. Like the

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acclaimed physicist Richard P. Feynman once wrote. Theres not much

room for genius in the real world.

If theres one thing I am, Id have to say that Im a cool geek or cool nerd
(both somewhat paradoxical terms, although I know myself quite well, and
Id definitely use either of these to describe me), because sometimes I can
blur the line between geekiness and coolness. I dont know how I do this,
though. Ive decided that Im going to keep my glasses for as long as my
sight needs correcting, Ill probably drink alcohol a little bit, and Im going
to grow a beard, mustache and sideburns. Ill lose weight eventually. Its
really not all that hard of a thing to do. Plenty of people do it each year.

Just got done meditating, and like usual it was a good session. Ive also
definitely decided that Id like to buy Writing the Natural Way. Ive already
read the book, but the writing exercises, with clustering and whatnot, are
fantastic. Just as contour and gesture drawing practice is fantastic, and helps
an artist become more perceptive to visual things and artistically well
rounded.

Have found a new way to deal with my job, even though its not the worst
job in the world. Aside from not looking at the watch, one good way to deal
with things like eight and five hour shifts is by tolerating it hour by hour.
Focus on each singular hour as it comes. That way its not so bad or
overwhelming, and time goes by faster. Any job where time goes by fast and
youre paid decently is a very good job. That got me thinking. It made me
think about how to approach life. When you approach life, it will be more
tolerable if you take it as it comes, and make the best of whatever type of
situation youre in, even if its a bad one. Or to put it another way, play the
best possible poker game you can with the hand God has dealt you. I dont
know how I think this stuff up and get my ideas. I just kind of do.

Eventually Im going to study Zen, Tao, and Yoga. Im already a practicing

Buddhist (Zen Buddhist?), so studying and possibly practicing Yoga, Zen
and Tao wont be that hard. I meditate faithfully, but Im still a bit

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unfamiliar with elements of meditation practice, such as the mudras (hand

positions), mantras (chants), and chakras (points in the body).

When I was working today, I noticed something important. Its the fact that
its probably and probably will be harder for me to actually find a decent
relationship with a girlfriend then I will be for me to make a lot of money,
unfortunately. Thats okay though. Most young people who are in
relationships are miserable anyways after they break up. I guess I might be a
celebrity one day. If I was, Id meet people nearly everyday who I wouldnt
know, but theyd know me. That might be very strange at first, but I guess
Id get used to it. If I were successful, Id be rich probably, so that would be
a benefit. If I make $500,000, $1 Million dollars or more in a single year, I
probably wouldnt have to work ever again if I didnt want to. From then on
I could focus on my art, writing, and filmmaking, as well as spiritual
practice all I wanted to. That would be nice, but for now Ill just keep my
day job.

I definitely want to take the entertainment industry by storm. I dont know

why Im lacking in ideas and inspiration at this moment in time. Maybe God
has decided to strip me of my inspiration. Oh well! is all I can say. It was
fantastic while it lasted. Maybe its a sign from the gods that I should get
back to the drawing board.

The only thing I can think to talk about is the fact that I saw a television
biography on Vincent Van Gogh this morning, and it was a beautifully
crafted narrative. With the tragic story and the beautifully crafted classical
music, which complimented the tragedy, it brought tears to my eyes. I was
going to cry, but I dont know what stopped me.

Good news. I just got an extra day, granted by the school authority type
person, to work on my book report of Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.

Where is my wisdom? I cant think of a single thing to say, other then the
usual things that I say. I guess that means that I have writers block, which is

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a feeling that I dont like. I just saw the 2001 Academy Awards on television
last night, and the ceremony seems to get more and more predictable each
year, unfortunately. I was quite disappointed. Oh please, God(s), rescue me
from my horrible job by getting B. Dalton to respond to me and hire me!
Thank you. I think praying would help at a time like this. I guess miracles in
my life have happened before. God rescued me from Lyman, and got me
switched to a private school, Center Academy. I hated Lyman. It had bad
karma written all over it. That school scares me. Its no wonder I used to
think there was no God. I was going to public school. Now all I have to do is
work in a bookstore, sell some more of my work, go to college, and move
out of Florida for good, and Ill be even better, but actually, Im doing just
fine now. Things could be a lot worse.

I guess I might as well write nonsense. Its better than writing nothing at all.
Im already somewhat successful, which might be an explanation for my
lack of creative thought and inspiration right now. I guess national and
international exposure or distribution can do that to a person. I dont like not
being able to think anything up. Maybe it would help if someone gave me an
interesting and broad, or even specific, topic. The television must be turning
my mind into mush. When I finally get around to setting out on writing a
real story, I must edit, edit, and edit some more. I think all successful
creative people go through inactive brain phases occasionally, or at least
most of them. Its just that Ive written so much; its hard to think up new
things to write about all the time. I might get mixed in with all my
competition or I might rise above and outshine all my competition. I think
one way to do that is to not obsess about what the competition is doing,
because I know if I work hard enough and practice enough, I can do it quite
a bit better. I dont turn to other peoples work unless I want to see how
something is done well (when I look at my idols) or to see whats out there
and whats popular. I do that all the time. Ill go to bookstores and browse
through as many books as I can that catch my eye, to see what people are
buying. Im not playing and having fun! Im researching the market.
Speaking of the market, that reminds me. Im going to have to go to the
library eventually and check out a current copy of The Writers Market, so I
can see what the requirements for manuscript format are.

So in other words, I dont want a story thats that personal associated with
the wrong messages. That would not be good. I didnt distance myself from

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the main character enough. Plus, from what Ive written, I dont feel it was
written well enough. It told more than showed. Leaf Season is too much like
something Stephen King would write. Two things that would doom it to
commercial failure, the fact that it resembled another authors writing too
much, and the writing was somewhat weak. It had good ideas, but the
writing itself, now that I look back on it, was quite weak. I dont want my
weaker writing to get out there where everyone can see it. I think the
decision, of not publishing this story, is for the better. Its unfortunate,
though, because I felt it also had some decent messages to contribute to the
world as well, like how evil was vanquished by morality in the end, how it
attacked school shootings as well as the anti-Asian stance (racism and
prejudice against minorities). I think the fact that Im already successfully
published makes up for it quite a bit, so Im not AS bummed out, partially
because I know that I have a lot of other, bigger, better ideas that I can pull
off much more efficiently. So now I watch a little bit of TV, read and review
some of the Harry Potter book, and then write about it for school. This
shouldnt be too hard. I might meditate some also, either before or
afterwards.

I dont have very much time to write. Im going to have to leave for lessons
soon. Fortunately I just finished my book report on Harry Potter and the
Sorcerers Stone. I also made another breakthrough in my meditation
practice last night as well as earlier today in school. Last night when I was
meditation, I started focusing on a certain subject and the external world just
seemed to melt away. My mind was extremely focused on something. This
is not exactly the same as the breakthrough I made where I felt the warmth
of my soul and body heat. Hopefully in one future session, Ill make a
spiritual connection as well as keep my mind extremely focused, maybe
even for thirty minutes, an hour, or longer then that. That would be an
amazing meditation session for sure. Acupuncture, magnet therapy, Tai Chi,
Tao, yoga, Tae-Bo and Zen would be nice also, if and when I try them.
Anything to maintain a mind/body kind of equilibrium as well as lose quite a
decent amount of weight.

There are many sages that Im fascinated by. Buddha, Lao-Tzu, and Leo
Tolstoy.

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I wonder if Ill ever put up a website. Im not sure. I might make one of
those geek or creative genius websites, to display my more unique attributes.

Ive decided that Im going to meditate as well as draw today. Its getting
kind of late and the sun is beginning to set (quite luminously and beautifully,
I might add), and the lightness of this portion of the world will soon fade and
dissolve away. When Im witnessing now would make quite a nice poem or
narrative description. Its times like this when I like being at one with the
universe, world, and cosmos. Its a beautiful feeling, or a natural high, if you
will. Unnatural highs are quite unhealthy. They can end up killing you and
extinguishing your life if you experience them too frequently. Meditation is
good. Yes. I love meditation. It helps me fend off myself from the suffering
and hectic mentality that I sometimes have when Im in the real world.
Being in isolation is good if youre at one with yourself and know how to
relax and focus your mind. Its bad if your mind wonders to unpleasant
things or if youre afraid of being alone, or even if you have autophobia.
Actually, especially if you have autophobia. Invader Zim will arrive on
Nickelodeon soon, and I couldnt be more pleased with how it looks. I
should talk more about existentialism. I used to believe that the concepts
existentialism teaches existed, before I was Buddhist, which blurred the line
between myself and the world, and back when I was somewhat anti-social.

No matter how permanently attached to a specific topic I am, I always seem

to have a newest, highest fascination. These include (most currently) new
age spirituality and eastern mystical mental and physical practices, such as
yoga, meditation and tai chi, philosophy, learning different languages, the
counter culture scene, visiting and possibly living in different countries. Im
also interested in my creative crafts. Meditation does help you tap into your
inward perceptive genius. You become more aware of your own body and
mind then you ever thought you could, and this alone is an amazing feeling.

There are so many interesting things to write about, and when I write about
them, I plan to write about them well. I dont like clichs and mediocrity.
Hell! Sometimes I dont even like normalcy. Sometimes I just prefer
weirdness, the macabre, and the bizarre.

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I am alone right now, and yet somehow I dont feel alone, therefore Im not
aching with the pains of loneliness, and I thank God for that. Isolation
without loneliness or suffering is a miracle unto itself, or at least I believe
so. At times my skin yearns to be touched and caressed. Maybe my cat,
Tigger, has stayed alive this long because Im always affectionately petting
her fur. Maybe Im keeping her young. Ive realized by now however that
other people in this world are still suffering, despite my current internal
euphoria. I want to relieve other people of their suffering. I dont want
anyone in this world to suffer, but I realize that for most people, as long as
their body exists and lives, they will suffer. I have a functioning body too,
but for some reason, I dont seem to be suffering as much as the people
around me seem to be. Maybe its the medication, or maybe its the
meditation. Or maybe its even my own personal intelligence and perception
of the cosmos. Im not sure. I just know that Im very happy most of the
time, and I like it this way.

This page is almost finished, so then I can move onto bigger and better
things, like drawing for my portfolio and whatnot. Thats going to be nice,
since I enjoy drawing. It makes me happy and entertains me quite a bit
sometimes. Actually, sometimes it entertains me more then my writing.
Thats for sure. I dont suffer as much when I draw, even though I deceive
myself into thinking otherwise sometimes. I have to remember that every
minute that I spend at this word processor is another wasted minute of
drawing time. Im now going to put an end to this putrid waste, or wasted
time at this very moment, or whenever I run out of writing steam, which
should be very soon.

Finished meditating and drawing a little bit (although I should have done
more then I did). I feel quite good. So lets see. Who in the past couple years
have been my writing influences. Theres Dave Eggers, Alan Moore, Ken
Wilber, Dave Barry, Stephen King, Plato, Nietzsche, Voltaire, Chris Carter,
Warren Ellis, Brian Michael Bendis, John Lennon, Edgar Allen Poe, HP
Lovecraft, JK Rowling, M. Night Shyamalan, Terry Moore, and of course
Jhonen Vasquez. I enjoy these people for their word usage, their style, their

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ideas, and their storytelling ability. I would like to say some less bizarre
ones, but I cant seem to think of very many normal ones.

Cant seem to find my Dynamic Wrinkles and Drapery book currently, and I
was going to use it to draw something, but oh well.

Bow down to the energy of my vast and powerful brain. Okay. I can admit
it. I am a person of worth and that last statement (the one about the powerful
brain) made me sound like I have an ego a mile wide. Im not a loser like
some of my classmates assume I am, just like many geeks in middle and
high school around this country. Were all misunderstood, but I guess thats
life. Life doesnt always seem just, but it exists and existence always does
have some type of a purpose, whether it be logical or according to how some
type of almighty being sees it. What lifes purpose IS is all a simple matter
of personal truth and opinion, kind of like looking at an abstract painting and
giving your own personal impression of what it means to you. Many things
depend on the eye of the beholder, and I believe that as long as we live on
this planet and breathe oxygen, eat, sleep and think, then I think we need to
learn how to feel love and compassion. But then again, why does it always
rain on me? (Travis). It doesnt truly matter whether a person has a thing
like faith or not. What matters is that they have hope. Hope teaches us to live
peacefully, both in mind, body and soul. If God exists, I dont believe God
speaks through me. I simply believe he/she/it/they simply fuels my soul and
existence, thus encouraging me to produce the beautiful, ingenious, brilliant,
profound, but overall staggering work that I do. The decent work is more
due to them than it is to me. God(s) gave me the gift, but I use the gift I have
to think up the ideas that I do. The work is not done by God or any other
higher power, but by me. In a way, both those statements could be true. Part
of my power is fueled by not only God, but also by what the Buddha has
taught me as well. Things, such as tolerance, focus and compassion. I dont
have complete and blind faith put in a higher power, though. And I honestly
probably dont believe that God is truly a personality and is something that
can be used at a persons convenience. Thats more self-absorption then
anything. I dont believe in blind faith, and therefore I guess at the heart of
my mentality and philosophy, I am partially agnostic, even though Im more
of an agnostic/theist, rather then agnostic/atheist. I cant honestly state that
Yes, there is one to the world, unless the physical existence of a deity or
deities is completely proven and verified. In other words, Im not sure what

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my complete conviction is. Im withholding complete judgment, until

possibly later, although yes, I do have some faith, so overall, yes I do believe
in God, although if and when I get interviewed, Ill say the opposite, to give
myself some credibility.

I have about two minutes to write in this journal. Not much time, but Ill try
to think up something to write anyways. I cant believe that website,
psychoexgirlfriend.com got so many hits. Its gotten over a million hits.
Thats quite a bit. I wouldnt expect a website with subject matter like that to
be so incredibly popular. After work, Im going to see Katies and Amandas
websites. Im not sure if Ill ever put up a website. Maybe one day I will.

What should I say now? Actually, I might not be able to see Katie and
Amandas websites. Actually. I just saw Katies web page. Not bad. It was
actually pretty cool. There were a lot of pictures of her on it. But enough
regular talk. I should get back to intellectualizing and philosophizing like
usual. If theres two things everybody has, everybody has a website or
everybody has an idea for a television show (or book, or screenplay, or
comic book), but the majority of them, both the websites and the ideas,
arent very good. Actually, I think its because people arent trying to make
meaningful contributions or learn their craft first. Everyone just wants to get
rich or famous (maybe both). I dont want to get rich (which is why Im in
no particular hurry to get published), and I dont really want to get famous
badly (which would explain why Im restraining from putting up a website
or getting my picture out there.). When Im published and if I every start
making enough money to live comfortably, I dont know how that will
change my life. I think most geniuses are quite modest and prefer to stay out
of the limelight. Id honestly just like to get my ideas and art out there. One
true miracle is the fact that now Im actually comfortable behind a word
processor, rather then intimidated. I can just ramble on about cool things for
hours, and hours, and hours, and many more hours. I must stop typing soon,
for I need my sleep. I want to get more sleep, rather then less sleep. Im not
sure if I want to be a celebrity, although one day Im not sure if Ill have a
choice exactly. I kind of doubt it. Work is work. Thats all I can say about it.
I think I might read a little bit right before I go to sleep, since reading does
help me fall asleep, not that it bores me. Its just that it helps put my mind at
ease and relax, kind of like meditation.

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Invader Zim premieres tonight! Its about damn time. I have to go to school
in about three minutes, so I have barely any time to type, a circumstance
thats definitely not too uncommon for me lately. I think it would be a wise
decision to draw this afternoon, right before the evening. Yes, that would be
nice. The Internet is a place full of geeks, weirdoes, and uncompassionate
people. Why? Im not sure exactly. I suppose its one of those mysteries of
life, except this is one mystery of life that can most likely be answered by
experts of knowledge about the Internet and American society. I now
definitely would enjoy buying Frank McCourts two memoirs, Angelas
Ashes and Tis.

Well, at first I said no, but now Amanda and Tony talked me into it (damn
them). Im most likely going to put a website up on the Internet. Since I like
Japan, Tony helped me think up the name. I have a name for it and
everything. In the next couple days, aside from drawing, meditating and
writing in this journal, Im going to come up with some ideas about what I
want to put on my website. Ill have personal information, random
observations and writings, a hit counter, a cool logo design, drawings by me,
and quite possibly a message board, but that might take up too much time,
and I might not add it until later. Ill probably have WAVs, gifs, and maybe
some of Tonys music videos. Maybe photographs that I took also. If I make
a website with the help of Tony, and I probably will, Im going to make it
fancy and in a Monty Pythonesque manner. Id probably have links and
guestbook as well. I just wont have my picture of me on the page though. I
already have an idea for the introduction page. I might have a small
character walk out onto the center of the screen, and then a big red or orange
rising sun will appear behind him, and then a big logo with fancy letters will
scroll across the screen. A gong sound would go off, and then the sentence
ENTER could appear at the bottom right corner of the screen. And that
would just be the introduction page. So now I have to start getting ideas
about what Im interested in, and decide what kind of things I want to put on
the site. Lets see. Theres anime, manga, comic books, art and drawing,
writing, philosophy, music, video games, alternative comics, animation,
novels, great thinkers, weird things, I might even make a list of nifty people
that I know. I can put things like what Im reading (Ken Wilber, Stephen
King on occasion, Rolling Stone, Wizard Magazine, Blade of the Immortal,
Liberty Meadows), what Im listening to (Queen, Blur, the Smashing

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Pumpkins), what Im watching (anime, Invader Zim, Toonami), and what I

do in my spare time like go to lessons, surf the Internet, get my art portfolio
together, go to school and work, sketch people at the local Borders caf
occasionally, and talk to my next door neighbor Judy every so often. On my
website, I might post random commentary and observations to show my
observations and whatnot, and Ill update my website every week or so
(possibly more frequently). Im not going to let this website take away from
my drawing time too much. I probably wont spend all that much time
looking at my own website. Ill just spend time designing it and checking
emails.

But then again, I need to get back to talking about my life, and then onto
drawing for about an hour or two, possibly more. Around 5:15 or 5:30, I
start drawing. Now when my work gets published, and my name and picture
goes next to my work, I think I wont worry about my personal website so
much. Drawing is good. Whod of thought? My very own personal website.
All at the expense of my sanity and the rest of my free time.

I went into an online chat room. I had some fun.

But anyway. I just got done meditating a little bit. It could have gone better,
but I still feel fine. Im just waiting until the premiere of Invader Zim
happens in about thirty minutes from now. Im not sure if I can draw better
then the artists at Slave Labor Graphics and Oni Press. I already know that I
can draw better then some art college students, though, which is a good sign
for me, but a bad thing for them. Yes, websites are nice. I enjoy surfing the
Internet, especially when at the moment I dont have a life and I have
nothing better to do, but I usually dont, so saying I have nothing to do
would be a lie. The weekend shall arrive soon, but Im not sure if I should
cheer and celebrate, because I have to work on Saturday and Sunday, but
Im not sure if I have to work on Sunday.

I think Ill try to write something in the next three days for my writers
group. Maybe Ill pray for inspiration. Ill pray for a lot of things. Ill pray
for everyone (including myself), inspiration, happiness, spiritual progress,

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success, to make a living, to lose weight, and to get my portfolio together

with plenty of time to spare so that I can get into a top animation college. I
must go watch television now.

Alright! I just got finished watching the premiere of Invader Zim, and Im
angry at myself for not taping the damn thing. It was amazing. Nick even
mentioned Jhonen Vasquez before the episode aired. Plus, his name was on
the credits. The character designs, dialogue and writing were o-so Vasquez,
but the computer generated animation mixed with 2-D animation was
amazing. I wasnt disappointed one bit. Its just such an amazing show.
Nickelodeon is pushing the envelope with Zim, and since it involves Jhonen
Vasquez, they definitely should be. Im just wondering how theyre going to
make this show last and keep making the show fresh and new, after the first
season is over, and I really hope it lasts longer then the first season. Invader
Zim is a Nicktoon! How cool is that. Since Jhonen Vasquez is in the
animation business now and Invader Zim is so amazing, I just wonder how I
can go back to the comic books now. They just dont seem as fancy or
impressive. The show was just plain fun to watch. I loved it, and Im going
to try hard to catch the next episode. And if Vasquez is lucky, Zim will go
down in animation history and become wildly popular. So I guess people can
make it big through alternative comics.

I cant complain once again. Im an intellectual, Im probably going to get a

website, my art is published in a book thats on multiple best-seller lists
across the world, Jhonen Vasquez is finally getting the recognition that he
deserves and a television show to boot, Im very relaxed and Im getting
better at meditation. How can I complain? Im just wondering whats going
to happen in the roller coaster of my life next.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 29

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March 2001
This is my 29th journal file so far, and as far as reading my journal files goes,
Im seven journal files behind. Thats not good, but its because Ive just
been writing so damn much. I only have about ten or twenty minutes to
write, and then I move onto drawing for an hour or so. Despite the fact that I
write well, writing is very trivial compared to drawing. This portfolio is very
important to me, and I need to start showing that. Writing in this journal is
becoming a bad habit that I need to curb. Its as if I do it almost
unconsciously now, and thats starting to become, actually it has become a
bad thing. I must watch the reruns of Invader ZIM, and find a blank tape so
that I can tape them. Im trying to remember the names of the characters.
Theres ZIM, GIR, Dib, the almighty tallest. Im not sure what the other
names of the characters are. The show seems like an animated Jhonen
Vasquez comic book, which is so cool, except that it has a lot of cool 3-D
graphics and colors used on the show. It was like a mix between deranged
cartoony anime and an ultra high tech videogame. I loved it. When and if I
ever get an animated series, I want to do something that has as cool as
animation as ZIM does. The character designs arent exactly perfect, and its
stylized, but the graphics make up for it. It would be cool if you could
combine the 3-D animation and bizarre writing of Invader Zim with the well
drawn or drafted character designs and character animation at the level of
Chuck Jones cartoons, and then mix some elaborate anime-esque complexity
in the animation. Thats what I would envision Circus Ninja to be like.

Its getting late, but Im not tired really and I dont have to work until late
into tomorrow afternoon, but I dont draw when its past 10 oclock for
some reason, so Ill just write and try to fill up this page. Yes. Thatll be fun.
I taped tonights episode of Zim, by the way, so now I can watch it again and
again and again, if I want to.

Soon, I will have to submit to the pressures of deadlines. Actually, in a

certain sense Im already doing that. I do have my portfolio after all, so I
guess that counts as a deadline. Damn, deadlines suck, but if you want to
keep a job and make any money, you have to get the creative work done and
meet them. For things like deadlines, I like to use meditation to help keep
me relaxed and calm, so that I can produce great work (not crap) as well as
meet them.

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Now Im starting to get tired. I dont want to fall asleep at this word
processor, so Ill go to bed fairly soon.

Getting and keeping a girlfriend cant be THAT hard to do. I think it must
help being sociable, as well as a nice person. Im a nice person, but Im not
very sociable, although I think Ive made tremendous improvements in my
sociability, thank God. Yes. Must go to bed. My bed seems extremely
welcoming and comfortable right now. I just want to go to sleep. So why am
I still typing? I dont know for sure. I dont think I can last anymore. I cant
think of anything. Its 11:15 p.m. at night. Its very late. At this moment,
part of the world sleeps, and I join it now. Farewell.

April 2001

If Im going to rip off somebody, I need to rip off somebody good. In other
words, dont rip-off some contemporary artist or writer whos style doesnt
have much substance and who is basically mostly influenced by other
contemporary artists or writers.

The last journal entry was quite short, but I spent most of yesterday working
at Winn-Dixie and sleeping. I did however go to hotmail.com and get my
own personal email address just about ten or twenty minutes ago, so
hopefully Ill get emails easier. This just keeps getting cooler and cooler. I
now have my own free email address for people to send electronic mail to,
and soon I will probably have my own personal website, thanks to Tony. I
am Internet able now. Yeah! Now that Ive been on the computer for a little
bit, I have to manage my time and get to the drawing table pretty soon, so
that I can near finishing my portfolio piece. I must finish this portfolio!
Dammit!

Also, by Thursday, Im going to have to edit my book report, which should

be fun. I enjoy editing, or at least now I seem to.

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Im not sure what else to write about. Planning out how to draw that flying
cloth in the new piece is going to be tough, but I know I can do it if I try
hard enough. I can draw just about anything if I try hard enough. This is
quite true. Maybe I should meditate tonight. I think Ill do both.

Catching up on my reading would be nice. I have a lot of things to catch up

on reading. Books, comic books, and journal files. Maybe even possible
future emails. I absolutely love sending and receiving emails from people.
Its so fun. Now all I have to figure out how to use is HTML, Photoshop,
and MP3s. If this first website goes well, then in the future I might make
many websites, all created, constructed, directed, and maintained by me, but
this first one Tony is helping me with, so that I can get started. Later on Ill
have to check out Geocities.com and Angelfire.com for more information
about computers and building websites, because I believe thats something I
want to do in the future, if I have any extra time away from being a college
student or animator, that is. Once I figure out MP3s, Napster.com would be
very useful, if its not shut down, that is. Im learning how to format
everything. Websites, manuscripts, comic book pages, animated series
bibles, scripts, everything! Being able to format my work will definitely
benefit me in the fact that it will help me with getting my work out there.
Have I left anything out? For writing books, owning Microsoft Word really
helps. Word makes my journal files look so much cooler and fancy, as if
theyre a book or something. Grammar, writing style, and the drawing basics
will all help me, and as a matter of fact, they already are in a way. I just
dont know them completely yet, but I probably will one day. Im not
positive of this, but Im pretty sure. Being a genius has its advantages. I like
that fact. Now that Ive been writing for a while, I honestly do think that my
own writing style is beginning to emerge from all these pages. I dont just
sound like a Jhonen Vasquez, Stephen King, Dave Barry, and Kevin Smith
rip-off. My writing shows more of an influence from Ken Wilber more than
anyone else, but above all, I think Im beginning to have a voice and style
that overall seems to be all my own. I dont think my writing voice is
integral enough yet, though. The amount of original style I produce is too
uneven, but its getting closer to being integral, so Im getting there, and
with a lot of practice, Ill be there eventually. Dennis Miller is good also. He
used to be a big influence on my work. Im not sure if he still is.

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Being seduced by the simple flow of my own writing, because it entertains

me so much just to read my own writing, which is a good thing of course.
Its a sign that Ill make a competent writer. Maybe Ill even make a great
and prolific one one day.

Wondering whats for dinner. Ill have to ask my mother, but she probably
wont know yet, which is what usually happens. Because why exactly? Well,
of that Im not sure. Its just one of those idiosyncrasies of my daily life, like
the way my cat Tigger will usually rest on my stomach most nights when
Im in bed, right before I go to sleep. I usually dont write about things like
these in my journal because most of the time I barely even notice that they
happen. They would make for interesting character traits, though. Things
like idiosyncrasies make fictional characters seem even more real.

Going to make one thing quite clear. Tolerance is the basis and starting point
to progress. Intolerance quite often leads to self-defeating stagnation.
Prejudice is a so very useless thing, and always has been. I cant quite say
whether prejudice is fading or staying prevalent. I dont read or watch the
news enough. Im just going to type up a page on this journal, and then Im
either going to meditate or draw for an hour at the very least, even though
its already past 7 oclock in the evening. Ive come much closer to defeat
than Im coming to it right now though.

Bought two new books today as well as a CD. I bought Tis by Frank
McCourt and Cold Mountain by Gao Xingjian. I also purchased Play by
Moby. A good CD, to say the very least. I do have quite a bit to do. I have a
portfolio piece to finish up, a book report to correct and edit, and some
meditation to practice. I would like to win an award, but if that doesnt
happen, I would at least like to live comfortably or make a living, but if that
doesnt happen, then Id at least like to get to know my family and friends,
but if that doesnt happen, Id at least like to be happy. Im already happy, so
that last part I mentioned wont be a problem right now. I havent suffered
for quite some time now, thank God.

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If someone suffers, does that mean that Gods punishing him or her? My
answer to this question would have to be no, because plenty of innocent
deity-revering people are forced to withstand suffering very often, and I
believe that because this type of suffering exists that its very unfortunate. I
dont think praying would do any good to reduce the suffering and
slaughtering of the innocents, no matter how much you believe or how much
faith you may have.

After living in my current body for the past 17 years, I realize I am nothing
and the universe is everything. I am the universe. Im not a friend, not a foe,
not a god, or even an evil person. I am simply here, like everyone else.
Everyone is here, and theyre all one. I dont know how much sense this
would make to someone else whos not Buddhist and doesnt study eastern
philosophy. I dont know how I think these things up. Never ask a writer
where they get their ideas, because they wont even know or be able to tell
you. I couldnt tell someone where I get my ideas. Maybe my genius is a
gift, or maybe theres a higher explanation and a certain kind of atheistic
answer would be more appropriate. Charles Darwin offered a humanistic
explanation, and it was much more reasonable than creationism, although Id
feel wrong if I lied and said that I knew which one was superior or even
right. Id be either a liar or an omniscient person if I said I knew which one
was right. I do have gut feelings about certain things, but I dont think the
idea of how the human race originated is one of them.

Just going to write for a few more minutes, and then I go to bed. Its just that
I spent most of today drawing, shopping with my dad, and trying to go on
the Internet.

There are some website terms that Ive come across. They are JAVA and
HTML, but these things mostly focus on the programming and graphics of
the page. Well, in a couple days Im going to have to do some digging for
drawings, writing, photographs, and good websites that I like a lot, so that I
can put them all on my website. Im going to eventually get Creating
Websites For Dummies, and Web Page Design For Dummies.

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Okay, now Im getting tired. I think Im going to go to bed very soon.

Actually, Ill go now.

The essence of human altruism and compassion has inspired me to do good

things. That and Moby. Ive decided that if I earn a lot of money, Im going
to donate to charities. Im also going to try to become a part-time vegetarian,
for the sake doing my part to stop suffering of living things, and that
includes animals. We must respect the earth and all its children. People,
animals, reptiles, insects, fish, etc. I dont support killing animals or insects.

So basically, my financial philosophy is simple. If I earn and own a lot of

money, then I also spend a lot of money and donate a lot of money to my
family and charity. Why the hell would I need more then a million dollars in
a single year, or even during my entire life? I dont. In about twenty minutes
I must edit my Harry Potter book report, which shouldnt take too long.

Dont believe in Christ, but I realize what Christ supposedly taught was nonjudgementalism, non-violence, and humility, and I believe in all of these
things, even though I dont believe Ill ever become a Christian, just as the
Buddha taught happiness, compassion, kindness, the four noble truths, and
tolerance, which are also things I believe in. Both Buddha and God disallow
the act of killing. But even if someone doesnt believe in God, reincarnation
or the elements of karma, they should still do their best to live a moral life.
Having morality makes you feel like a better and stronger person on the
inside, even if you still suffer at times.

Not sure if I support the government or the police. I dont support mindless
commercialism though. I am strongly opposed to it. I do realize that I need
to make a living, though, and thats the only reason I can think of to work
for mainstream companies like Walt Disney Feature Animation and Marvel
Comics. When I think about it, art should definitely be held above busines,
but art should not be considered a business. I feel that its wrong to think of
a wonderfully creative thing like art as a business. That can subtract from the
value of it. And while, yes, I will accept paychecks for my creative work,
but thats just one of the little rewards that goes with doing a great job. I

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dont do my creative work just for the paychecks. Theres something about
that mindset that seems very wrong and evil to me. Creativity is a beautifully
fragile thing. Its unbelievably easy to destroy and hinder someones
creativity and personal genius with a single mean-spirited and insulting
comment about that persons work. This is why the artist must be strong as
well as have faith in his or her own ability, and should not be to hurt or
discouraged if someone doesnt like their work or take too kindly to it. If
you have a lot of individuality, youre assured that someones going to try to
make you feel bad about it. No one is able to please everybody, although Im
sure some wish they rather than other people were able to.

Not sure what else to write about, but thats okay since Im going to be at
my drawing table in about 15 minutes or so. Drawing is a lot of fun. I know
this for a fact. Ive done a lot of it, but still not enough of it to call myself a
full-on professional. I will be a full-on professional artist one day, when I
know the basics like the back of my hand. I dont know them fully yet
though.

Just saw the website that Tonys been working on, or to be more
specifically, just the introduction page, and it looks, well, okay. The only
real complaint I have is that the sun is kind of deformed. It needs to be
circular, not oval like. Not at all like what I envisioned, but hey, its free, so
that kind of makes up for it.

There is so much negativity going around at my high school. I need to move

onto talking about something positive.

This is good. Ive come up with some ideas for what to put on my website.
Im going to have an About Me Section, an Art and Drawing Section, a
Links and Plugs Page, a Photo Gallery Section, as well as an Activity or
Game Section where guests can do fun things. Ive already come up with
one writing piece and a part of the fun stuff section, and its not the message
board. Its a Question & Answer section, called Ask Retarded Billy, where
people can email me questions, I pretend to be Retarded Billy and give
moronic answers that have misspellings, bad punctuation and grammar

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problems, and talk about things like fetuses and sucking on toes in response
to questions about marriage or the meaning of life. Ill try to post new
questions and answers each week or so. It should definitely be funny.

Just finished typing up my first piece of writing for Madeinjoepan.com and

it looks wonderful. People might think I have a decent mind or something
when they read that. I called it Hands of The Timeless. Not bad for my first
piece. Now all I have to do is keep checking up on how Tonys doing with
constructing the website, think up more writing pieces, design some logos
and characters, find good old drawings, think up what I want to write for the
links captions and whatnot, do research and figure out what my favorite
websites are, think up fun stuff for people visiting the website to do like Ask
Retarded Billy, online games, some of Tonys music videos (if hell let me
use them on my site), MP3s, WAVs, and a message board, as well as write
up some interesting stuff about myself. Im trying to make my website a
little bit more mainstream, entertaining, and more fun than your average
personal website. Im not just doing this website for myself, and Im not
trying to get famous either. I want other people to have fun with this site,
too. But before I worry too much about the website, surf the internet and
check my emails, Im going to have to work on my portfolio piece, and
come as close as I can to finishing it and getting it out of the way. Its nearly
done. All I have to do is draw the outline with the flying cloth and the
woman combined, and then shade the thing, which might take a long time,
but I hope not. I need to have this thing finished by Tuesday of next week,
so I need to work hard on the thing. This websites going to be really neat or
cool, and also possibly quite big.

Going to write a little bit more before I get to drawing, but thatll be after I
have dinner. My first piece of writing for my website satisfied me so much. I
think people will like it, and hopefully quite a bit. If people hate my writing
and drawings, then thats fine. Im okay with hate mail and criticism, just so
long as the people who are berating me with criticism are also paying me
patronage. Ill be a great writer as well as artist when I turn 50 years old, if I
live that long, and I certainly hope that I do. I would absolutely love to be
able to stay alive and live for five decades, or should I say half a century?
Either one is acceptable, I guess. My throat has been hurting and feeling
rough ever since I left school earlier today. One of the greatest things Ive
ever been able to witness and experience in my life is wonder of beauty.

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Simple often equals beautiful. So lets recap. Doing portfolio and getting
my own website good. Andy W and other bad and homophobic people.

Need to remember to bug Tony to put a gong sound effect on the

introduction page of my first website. There are two places to go, that I
know of where you can make personal websites that are basically free to
make. The ones I know of are Angelfire.com and Geocities.com. This
website of mine is going to be one of the best ones yet. I have no real life.
That must be why Im so dedicated to this website. I feel worn out from
doing all this work. Ive done a sketch for the site, written a good random
observation, wrote in this journal, drew a lot of my portfolio piece, sent
Tony and email, and checked up on my website. Thats not counting how
much I worked at school. Im very tired. My body feels worn out and I need
to get some sleep. I didnt go to school today, because of the fact that when I
woke up early at around 6 oclock in the morning, my throat hurt
immensely, primarily when I had to swallow, so I went back to sleep for an
hour, then my parents woke me up for school, but I told them how I was
feeling, and that I took three Advil at around 6:05, so they took my
temperature (it was 99 degrees), and they decided to let me sleep in and stay
home from school today. Im still deciding if Ill go to work or call in sick.

Surfed the Internet (So where do you go to find cool personal websites with
neat stuff to read, look at, download and do? Maybe mine will answer that
question, hopefully.) mywebsite.com will rock! And Its all thanks to my
webmaster and godsend, Tony. Tony is so amazing with the computer.
Maybe Ill be that good at the computer one day, and Im sure I can if I read
up on how to use the computer, and I practice enough.

This is weird. Just what the hell exactly did I do all day, if I didnt write in
this journal very much? I ate Chinese food, masturbated, picked out quite a
few drawings to put on my personal website, went to work at Winn-Dixie,
got home and watched the second (and latest episode) of Invader Zim, and I
just sent Tony what I consider a kind email not too long ago where I
inquired about the how the website is going. Hopefully hell send a response
sometime during this weekend. If the website turns out to be popular or
something of that nature, and people email me asking for more writings, art,

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music videos, MP3s, etc, then I guess Ill just write or draw some more stuff,
and hopefully it will be good enough to add to my website. But if I only
have 5 visitors or so, then just what exactly would be the point of adding to
the site, unless Im trying to entertain myself, that is. I can find many other
ways to entertain myself then by updating my own goddamned website
when no ones even visiting! Theres so many lame-ass personal websites
out there. I want to make a cool and entertaining one that people, including
myself can enjoy. I also am tempted to mess with peoples minds, like by
pretending Retarded Billy is a real person, referring to visitors as victims,
and at the part about me, putting up a picture of a robot, alien or something.
At the contact part, I think Ill refer to Tony and I as humanoids. Thatll be
funny. Just thinking about these goofy things is making me laugh. I dont
know why I didnt do this sooner. Working on this site is so fun, rewarding
and creative. My site will definitely incorporate a lot of intelligence and
humor into it, or at least Im hoping so. I have to be careful not to give Tony
TOO much work to do, because God knows Im not very overworked
myself, and Im not kidding one bit here. I can tell when Im overworked.
My whole body aches when Im overworked.

One of my good attributes, as opposed to all the bad ones, is that I work hard
at whatever I do, whether its my day job, school, or just a side hobby like
designing madeinjoepan.com. I have a lot of fun doing stuff. I feel truly
blessed just to be alive. I dont get much snail mail or email, but I think
thats quite possibly about to change. I dont feel tired tonight like I did last
night. I didnt have to do as much work today. I might draw tomorrow. Im
not sure if Ill write much tomorrow, though. I do a lot of writing almost
every day and Im very creative, but Im also very modest about my ability.

Beginning to feel very tired, but I would like to write some other interesting
things. Ho-hum.

Have been on this computer and the Internet for way too long. Good news,
though. Tony sent a response to my email, now all I have to do is print it out
later on. Ive also found some great sites to list on my links and plugs page.
Theres www.sputnik7.com, which plays entire anime webcasts, and gives you
a
lot
to
choose
from.
www.rightstuf.com,
www.toonami.com,

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www.shockwave.com (which features Stainboy, Thugs on Film, and The

Critic), and www.napster.com, which I just figured out how to play MP3s off
of. All you have to do is download the Napster program with the Real player
under downloaded files, and then use the Napster search engine. Im not sure
if Ill list amazon.com, or slavelabor.com. Also, for my News and Intro
page, Im going to talk about things like the upcoming re-release of the
Akira film, on VHS, DVD, and possibly playing in theatres. I have to figure
out some stuff to put on my page about myself.

Next door neighbor Judy is, or was, having a garage sale. It seems to be
going well for her.

So lets see. For my website, Im going to have artwork, writing,

photographs, info on me, my favorite stuff, ways to contact me and Tony, an
introduction, news and updates, maybe journals, links, affiliates (DBZ
Happy), WAVs, MP3s, GIFs, music videos (if Tony gives me permission), a
guest book, maybe a message board and chatroom, and interactive games.
Have I left anything cool out? Im not sure how close I am to finishing the
website. Its going to be creative, humorous, personal, weird and interactive
all at the same time, or at least I hope it will be. Later on Im going to have
to figure out how to promote my site, since it will be a damn good one. The
background for most of the page is probably going to either be black, red,
green or blue (Im not exactly sure which one I want it to be yet).

Im going to get the hell off of this computer in about thirty minutes. Now if
I get published and if I become a celebrity, Im not sure if Ill keep the site
up or not, since I might not have as much time to work on it and add things
to it. Im getting tired of being a computer chair potato. I aint no potato!!
Having a good website is a lot of hard work, especially when youre not
getting paid to do it, but I feel its worth it. You get to share your joy,
passion and ideas with the world. I cant wait to get to drawing today. Im
hoping to finish up most of this portfolio piece by tonight, since I do have
plenty of time today to do so.

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Since Im waiting for the drawing to begin and Ive seen pretty much all I
want to see on the Internet, Im beginning to get bored.

Im going to draw around 5 oclock this evening. The only reason Id go

back on the Internet tonight would be to check emails at hotmail.com.

Now I can download songs anytime I want to from Napster, finally! But do I
want to all the time? Im not sure of that. The sound quality of the songs is
good, though. Im not sure what else to write about, other then Napster, my
website, my published illustrations, my emails, and my Buddhism. I love to
write though. Its so fun. Im definitely not lazy when it comes to practicing
my writing.

I did a lot of magazine and website research today. Its taken me nearly the
entire afternoon, but its been well worth it. I dont feel quite so lonely
anymore, and thats a very good feeling. Im getting much better at using
this computer also. Im learning how to download things from the Internet,
and Im doing it well. Ive filled up a page of writing, so mission
accomplished for now.

I must not obsess over this computer. Im on it far too much, but its quite
fun of course.

Good news. I just came up with my second piece of writing for my website,
and the cool thing is that the intro page already is accessible on the internet.
I actually remembered that long-ass address, but hey, its my page so of
course Im going to. The site has gotten 27 or so hits so far, but the majority
of them were by me, and Tony (or at least I think so). Now all I have is eight
or more writing pieces to go, and then Im so near being finished with the
basic setup stuff on my part. Woohoo! Im also going to have to save up $20
to $60, so that I can shorten my website name, etc, etc. Im starting to like
the idea of being on the Internet more and more.

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I dont know if I think profoundly, although the things that Ive written seem
a lot more profound than the work of wannabe profound thinkers Ive looked
up on the Internet, which is a good thing, because that might mean Im
ahead of the competition. I love being ahead of the competition, that makes
it easier to make money (heh, heh!), even though that isnt my main
motivational reason. Dont hate me because my brain is large!

What else should I freely commentate about? I seem to have done it very
well so far. But Im hoping to divide my different types of writing into subcategories. Observations, commentary, poems, and philosophy, but Im not
sure about the philosophy part. I already have two observations done, and
they both seem somewhat brilliant, which I say at the cost of sounding like
an egotist or braggart. I try my best to stay egoless. I usually try my best to
stay altruistic. I hope I havent given Tony too much work to do. I dont
want to over exhaust his mind, because then hell just get frustrated and he
wont want to work on the site anymore, and I dont want that to happen.
Would you look at that? Being so involved with the Internet seems to have
cut me off from reality. I nearly forgot that I should pick up my paycheck
tomorrow.

My dad brought home KFC for dinner earlier tonight, and eating the food
was enjoyable, although Im sure that Im definitely in some dire need of
exercise and diet. I need to diet. My second portfolio piece just got finished
tonight! Hell yeah! I hope my teacher likes the drawing. I really do. Im
hoping for a lot of things and I also need rest. Finishing the portfolio and
website, as well as getting into art school would be nice, but Im not
guaranteed a best option for any of these, except getting the portfolio done. I
know thats going to happen, and its already beginning.
Its only around 9:30 right now, but I feel very exhausted once again, only
not completely this time. Sometimes I wonder how I get by when I have so
many different things that Im trying to do at once. I juggle a variety of
tasks.

My brain is so active. For my website, Tony is the Webmaster and technical

constructor. Im the creator, designer, writer, artist, producer, researcher, and
director. Tony does all the technical work, but I come up with the majority

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of the creative ideas to put on the site. The website is the body, Tony is the
muscle, and I am the brain. Thats kind of the way it works. The truth is that
I dont know how popular the site will be. I just know itll be a great site. A
true creative vision of mine (even though Tony encouraged me to have the
vision). I dont want this to be just another site.

Making the website is going well. I just typed up a map of where I want
everything on my website to go, and Im going to hand the paper to Tony
tomorrow. So far Tony has gotten the intro page, and main page set up and
decorated. They look cool. Soon the site will be mapped out and that
goddamned problem of organization will be out of the way. Then I can
concentrate on more important things like finishing up the writings Im
working on for the page. These tortilla chips are good and crispy. Tostitos
always taste good, though.

Im not going to be on the computer very much tomorrow. No more internet

surfing for me, for a while. I need to work on creating text files, my journal,
uploading files, and my writing pieces. Other than checking my emails every
hour or so, thats it! Im going to draw tomorrow, though. I didnt draw
today, although I probably should have. This website is great and all, but its
killing all of my free time I could use to be drawing. Starting a couple days
ago I began going on a nonstop saving spree for a laptop computer. Ive
already bought one future piece for my future computer with my fathers and
my money, a computer device that does a lot of things. Its burns CDs and it
transfers MP3s to writeable CDs. Excellent. Its just that my dad hasnt tried
it out yet. I can wait to try it out.

If I start getting emails from all over the place, I wonder what theyd be
about. I wonder if Id be able to get around to reading them all before mom
and dad kick me off the computer for good because of staying on so long. I
sure hope I dont get over ten or twenty emails a day from people. It would
be nice reading what people have to say, but reading that many would just
plain suck because it would take so goddamned long. I think Ill learn to
manage somehow. I guess thats the price you pay for having a damn good
website. I dont think Ill put my actual picture on my site, though. My
parents talked me out of it. Im going to go rest on my bed soon. Yes, rest is

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good. I like rest. I dont mean sleep. I mean rest, and then sleep. I work so
hard every day (on school, work at my day job, my art portfolio, my website,
my journal. Thats five things). I really should take a vacation, break, or/ and
hiatus one of these days. Maybe my priorities really ARE screwed up. I
dont know. Drawing is very important, but there are so many other things I
also have to try to do in my spare time.

I doubt Ill write about anything else in the next two minutes. So when that
two minutes is up (which is very soon) and nothings written, then Im done
for today. Im sick of being on the computer anyways. Ill either rest or
meditate now. Im not sure which.

So how goes the website building? I think its going somewhat alright, but
the only thing is that the computer went dead last Friday or so, so I havent
been able to use the computer, access my writing files, check my emails, or
anything! How frustrating. Oh well. I need to look at the bright side. At least
I can write in my computer journal now, or at least for the moment before
my father has to take the computer back in.

I must remember what was currently on my mind before the computer

temporarily died. The website of mine, the Internet, MP3s, the MP3
converter, the laptop, speed reading, my genius, philosophy, formatting a
manuscript, Playstation 2. Those are a few things.

I need to cluster more often. Im sure Ill come up with something to bring
to my writers group. I also picked up my paycheck today. A temporarily
satiated feeling of short-lived psychological gratification. But not satisfying
enough in the grand scale of things. You know. The cosmos and whatnot.

Not sure what else to write about. I may be encountering a case of writers
block once again.

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There are some influential music groups that I want to check out, such as Joy
Division, The Pixies, The Ramones, Nirvana (and their excellent first album,
Bleach that I got to borrow from Stephen Hill today at school and listen to.
The album was quite a bit better than what I expected Nirvana to sound
like), Black Flag, Chuck Berry, Elton John, Nine Inch Nails, blur, The Who,
and Credence Clearwater Revival.

As for what influences my writing. My writing is very influenced by

philosophy, profoundness, weirdness or nonsense (like Jhonen Vasquez,
Monty Python, Dave Barry and They Might Be Giants) Nobel and Pulitzer
Prize winning writers, classic literature, Buddhism and eastern philosophy or
theology, Ken Wilber, Alan Moore, Stephen King, comic books, and the
paranormal. Maybe Im bound for a bestseller list or maybe Im not at all. I
have original influences. Now all I need is some damn good writing to go
with those original influences. Its good to be king, and no, I dont mean
Stephen King.

Ive decided that despite the fact that I dont have access to the Internet yet,
Im still going to draw tonight. Im just not sure what to write about now.
How ironic. I might very well be the next big upcoming writer who could
cause a big buzz within the industries, and I cant even think of anything to
write about. Howcommon for me. I think I should meditate tonight,
possibly before I draw. Im not sure whether Ill do Zen meditation exercises
or yoga meditation exercises. Im still deciding. Also, yesterday I wrote
down a list by hand that includes all the important main points of drawing. I
think I listed just about every basic thing. They are terms and names that
every good artist should know. Things such as composition and
perspective. I dont know all of them completely, but Im going to, one
day. I think Ill get a lot closer in a lot shorter amount of time when Im
going to be in art school, because they teach you all those things there. I
might have forgotten charisma. Drawings should be fun to look at, if nothing
else, but they shouldnt end up being nothing else. They should include
many elements.

Id say I have about thirty minutes left to write until I need to move onto
doing something else. Its so nice, though. I dont know if Ive said this

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before, but Im not sure if Ill ever end up being an influential artist or writer
in the future. Id like to be one, but Im not sure if my work would be that
well executed or prolific. I would hope so, but like many things, Im not
counting on it. I just want to make great work, and if money, fame, respect,
reverence, awards, critical acclaim, and influence on other creative people
all follow, then so be it! I like the idea of inspiring, impressing and attracting
other people. That aspect of this line of work is truly a tempting one. I think
the truth is that if youre innovative, youll be influential, or at least Id like
to think so.

Pop culture truly is shallow and ignorant. That might be one of the
motivating factors of the underground and Independent movement.

I guess Im hell-bent on having the perfect and most rewarding day jobs,
which probably explains why I dislike working at my day job I have so
much.

Its 7:26 right now, so Id better get to drawing fairly soon, or else. I said
only another 30 minutes to write, but I guess I was wrong. When and if I
eventually get a girlfriend, I think Ill pray that I dont have to introduce my
brother to her or have him embarrass me in front of her. That wouldnt be
good. My brother is not the most appropriate or intelligent person in the
world, so he probably would find some way to embarrass me. I think Im
going to continue working on my portfolio piece tonight. The only reason
Ive written for the past two or three hours is because I havent had the
computer to use in so long. Ive just missed writing and surfing the Internet
so much!

When Im at home, I dont do much else other than drawing, writing,

reading, and meditating. I play videogames, surf the Internet and masturbate.
Thats about it. Boy, I am just so adventurous, arent I? But seriously, I can
be extremely boring at times. No one would care what I did in my spare
time.

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Prime time television sucks. I guess there are always Invader Zim and
Futurama.

Going to have to go to school fairly soon. Im probably not going to write

much thats decent in this short volume of time, although I wish I could.

If I could only write a page per minute. That would be sixty pages an hour,
and 240 pages every four hours. Every eight hours Id have written 480
pages. Im not sure if this rate is humanly possible, though. I think Id be
more likely to write a page every ten or thirty minutes. Sometimes it can
even take me an hour or more to write just one page. Im not very pleased
when that happens.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 30

P a g e | 419

April 2001
It appears all of my journal files after the 29th one (the 30th) got erased, but I
suppose thats okay. I didnt write anything too important. Ill just start over
again. So lets see. What have I been working on lately? My website,
meditation, drawing my portfolio, and I guess thats about it.

For my website, I just uploaded a lot of GIFs, one picture of a robot, and a
ton of WAVs. The links page and the About Me section are partially up. The
computer is working again.

Today is the first day out of this weekend that my parents have left my
brother and I alone in the house, while theyve gone off to the beach.

I think Ill just review some computer terms. Theres URL address, email,
HTML (the programming codes for building websites), MP3s, GIFs
(animated images), WAVs, MIDIs, and I guess thats about it. I also know
that for building a website, you need not only access to and knowledge of
HTML, but you also need Front Page 98 or 2000. Other computer things are
Winzip, Corel Draw, and Photoshop, which are probably also things that
help.

Building websites is fun! Or at least it is when your computer doesnt fuck

up constantly. I must remember to also promote my site when its done. This
is just perfect. I have a list of search engines that Im going to need to send
Tony, also. I just sent the list of search engines, and my first Made In Joepan
update to Tony. I sent a lot of emails to him today. Despite the fact that Im
tired, I think Im going to draw tonight, or not. My parents arent here to yell
at me if I dont, so I guess I dont have to if I dont want to, even though I
want to. I need to empty the dishwasher.

This weekend is going to be quite fun. I got some exercise today. I did 40
sit-ups. Damn Im proud. I just wish someone would email me back.

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Judy McCullough just ordered pizza, and it should be ready in about twenty
or thirty minutes.

Ive done a lot of cool thing for my website. So far Im added GIFs, photos,
MIDIs, links, and my first update to the site. Now all I have to do is wait for
Tony to put more stuff on the actual site. When I started making my own
website, Im not sure if I really thought about how much hard work and
waiting time would be involved in making a good, cool site that people
would actually want to visit. Now all I have to do (but not really) is find
those damn Washington DC photographs I took a long time ago. I need to do
something tonight other than staying on the computer. This isnt healthy

Im either going to read or meditate tonight. I feel somewhat like I need to

do one or the other. Im not expecting anyone on the net to be all that
interested in learning about me. If they are, then that might be cool. I dont
want to be famous just yet, though. Ill save that for publication, television,
or something, if it ever happens.

Am rather clueless when it comes to following the way of the Tao. I know
the path Buddha chose, but Im not sure about the path I could choose with
the Tao.

Noticed some of my observations can seem quite genius-like, godlike and

profound, even though I as a person am none of these things. Im wondering
when I look at something, when I really look hard at something in a mindful
way, is that really what Im seeing? Im not sure. On a certain level, the
most basic and the most internal one, yes it is, which is why Im apparently
gifted, and its why I believe Im a genius of sorts. Not an academic genius,
but more along the lines of perceptive and creative genius, which is a very
rare thing indeed, if thats what I have. Jesus Christ!! Im starting to feel like
Ken Wilber. Its so weird. When I say this over the top one-with-all-things
type stuff, I really am thinking these things. I cant explain how, but I know
them when they come to me. I wonder what Ill think like in ten, twenty and
thirty years, or even beyond that. Ive spent 8 goddamned wasted hours on

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this fucking computer. Mums probably right. I am obsessing over this

computer. This is just sick. Im very sick. Im a sick genius. Im so weird
sometimes. I twitch sometimes when Im around other people. I should
relax. I really should.

Well, its nearly 10 oclock at night and just about time for bed, however I
did do some cartoon doodle sketches on a piece of notepad paper, which I
suppose is better than not drawing anything at all. I also clustered around the
word television. I guess I forgot to mention that I came up with an idea for
an animated short. Ill probably use this idea when I go to art school. Its an
idea about a plumber that goes into someones house to fix a toilet, but gets
attacked by a giant tentacle that he awakes, which fights him and waves him
through the air. It sounds funny, it would be a fine excuse to exercise weird
physical comedy, and its original, so why not use it. Maybe Ill start
developing the idea pretty soon (character designs, backgrounds,
storyboards, script, rough animation, etc.), just for fun to see what I come up
with. I dont know if its pure comedic genius, but I think its a humorous
and fun idea. I hope I get more animated short ideas like this. Ill just use the
same method I used for coming up with this idea. Ill draw a character
doing something random, and make up some props, then think up something
humorous that involves some type of interesting interaction between the
characters and the props. Thank you God! Why does my mind function in
such a complex manner sometimes, unlike my body? One minute Im
rambling on about web terms and cosmic integration. The next minute, I
realize Ive stumble upon a great idea for a funny animated short.

Im trying to think up something else to talk about, other than the fact that
Im just another person (a compassionate humanitarian, if you will) and the
fact that Im not a god. I think Im somewhat intellectually enlightened, but
a spiritually enlightened god or saint? No, I dont think so. Not even close. I
guess I dont have to stress out if I cant come up with new things to say that
are innovative, profound and enlightened. Just look at all the works Ive
produced so far. Ive produced enough to last three lifetimes of writing, so I
guess you could say Im somewhat ahead already, and Im only 17 years old
so far. I have it so easy. Im so blessed. Id better not break my arm. Im
becoming arrogant and egotistical. I think an occasional self-applied pat on
the back is okay, though. I frustrate my family whenever Im on this
computer. Im going against the grain when I go for my instincts. I have to

P a g e | 422

follow my heart, though. I have to go with my gut. I think Ill be happier in

the end if I do that, as long as I follow my heart sensibly. So if youre a
young girl that chose to live the life of a prostitute because that was a gut
feeling, thats just stupid. Thats not following your heart. Thats simply
ignorance. I pity those that take an unfortunate route and mistake ignorance
and arrogance for confidence. I want world peace. I want to end suffering. I
dont care if I have to suffer to bring the world one step closer to integrated
peace. I just want peace and for everyone to find true happiness as well as
comfort. It can be quite tough to achieve this goal when we realize that
things such as hatred, prejudice, racism, lust, violence, judgementalism,
dissatisfaction, and cynicism exist in this world. All of these things are quite
sickening and unfortunate, which is why people must not choose to kill or
hate. Its not right! Its also kind of like Lauryn Hill says. How you gonna
win when you aint right within? I dont have very much money, but Im
very happy quite often. Why cant more people smile? When I go to my job
to work, it makes me unhappy that I see so many sad and angry faces. It can
be somewhat depressing at times to see so much suffering and dissatisfaction
existing around me. I want to reach out and comfort these people. I want to
end their suffering. I love them, even though I dont know them, because
they and I are all truly one. They want to be happy, just like me, which is
why I dont want to see them suffer.

This is pretty strange, but good nonetheless. Ive almost completely

forgotten about Lyman and the psychiatric hospital, two of my greatest
suffering periods. I dont think Ill ever truly forget about them, because
theyre integral parts of my personal life, even though theyre not good
parts. I do however think Ive been able to shove them to the back of my
mind, so that they dont keep haunting me and stopping me from moving on
to bigger better things. I try not to look back, which is probably why I
ditched Leaf Season, because I dont want the past thrust back into my face.
I dont like that. I wrote part of it, and I think that worked well enough as a
catharsis that healed me quite a bit. Now Im living the good life, compared
to how I was living. Im living larger than life, or perhaps I soon will be.

When I was younger, I dont know how it happened, but Johnny the
Homicidal Maniac changed my life. Its tough to explain how, but it helped
me handled my suffering somewhat better. If there is a God, then God bless
Jhonen Vasquez! His comic completely changed the way I viewed things in

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the world, either for the better or for the worst. How I view people, writing,
innovation, individuality, and art. The only thing is that now that I look back
at it, it worked for me then, but then I realized that the artwork kind of
sucked at certain points and was also stiff, even though it was very
innovative and original (that may seem as a paradox of sorts, but like the
definition of paradox says, its nonetheless true.). The writing still seems
very good to me, though, which is an excuse for me to still dig it. Now Im
into deeper things than comic books, like philosophy from the past and
present masters like Nietzsche and Ken Wilber, novel writing or reading,
and anime (for the animation quality and artwork).

My neighborhood is coming close to being ghettoized, or at least my street,

is. Ill explain: About two or three blocks away from me, there was a really
trashy house that had two pit bulls guarding the backyard, and that was most
likely, from what I hear, because the man was growing and selling marijuana
plants. In a park car a couple house down from our house, in the nearby
section of my street, jewelry was stolen from a car that wasnt locked. And
last night, when my brother was sleeping in my parents room, he was
awoken by Dorys barking. It was then on the way home from bowling
today, he told me that he saw the shadow of a person in our backyard. When
Andy told me that in the car, it really creeped me out. The idea of someone
walking in our backyard, who we dont know, around our house is really
creepy to me. What if the doors arent locked and they break in, or it turns
out to be the person who stole from the car down the street. Its no wonder
my pet cat Tigger doesnt want to go outside at night. Maybe its because
shes seen the possible night crawler and is scared to go outside. Im not sure
if I should let Tigger out tonight. Andy recommended to me that I keep my
door locked while Im sleeping, and he hasnt called mom and dad up to tell
them what he saw, because he doesnt want them freaking out while theyre
away. This neighborhood is getting creepier and creepier as I get older.
Im quite tired. I would like to go to bed. I was on the computer for too long
today, even though I went bowling and I worked today.

I must have wrote down my schedule wrong, because my work just called
me up and said I was supposed to be at work 30 minutes ago. My sorry ass is
going to be late for work. Ill leave at around 4:40 or 5, Im not really in a
hurry because they dont know I can leave right now, so Ill keep that my

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little secret. I say screw my work anyways, why should I hurry up and get
there so soon, especially when I have an opportunity like this one.

Bought two books today. The Letters of Vincent Van Gogh, and The Catcher
In the Rye. Both of these books look very good.

About my website. All I can say is that it looks very good so far, and Im
very pleased with it. Great About Me section, great links, great GIFs, great
WAVs, great picture(s), great future MP3s, great MIDIs, great extra stuff,
great downloadables, great art Ive picked out, and great writing Ive done
so far for the website. So far its gone above my expectations. Im hoping to
get a lot of visitors (hopefully 1,000 or more.), but Im not sure how many
Im actually going to get. Tony will help me promote the site eventually,
when its time. I still have to scan my artwork and photographs, though. I
cant wait for the guestbook, message board, and writing. Jeez, this has been
a crazy past three or so days. Pure craziness. I didnt get a chance to draw
today, but I guess that just means Im going to have to do it tomorrow, on a
work day. I think someone may be sneaking outside of my house. I thought I
heard something brush up against the window of this room (the computer
room). Im not sure if I like going to sleep alone in this house late at night.
Call me paranoid, but theres something I dont like about it. This is perfect.
Now all I need is to hear the phone ring, pick it up, hear a raspy voice on the
other end utter the words Something is trying to get into your house, and
then voila! No more sleep for me until my family gets back. Such a strange
emotion fear is. I dont think Ill ever write a full-on horror story ever again,
though. I wrote Leaf Season, but thats about as far as Id go. After I wrote
part of it, I realized something. Im not able to write a complete horror story
without seeming like a Stephen King plagiarizer, so I havent written full-on
horror stories since, and Ive been much better off because of my decision.
Im leaning more towards humor, satire, philosophy, the paranormal, and the
weird.

I thought of some jokes. One, a man could just be standing there, and
suddenly his face splits neatly in half like the doors to a kookoo clock, and a
hand or tentacle flies out making all sort of tentacle sounds.

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May 2001
When I think about my different creative projects, such as animated series,
television shows, comic books, comic strips, CDs, films, and novels, for
animation and comic books, I would like to tackle a humorous sciencefiction series, aside from Zounds!. The only thing is how could I do
something that hasnt been done many times before? The things that are
already out there include Futurama, Invader ZIM, the X-Files, the Men In
Black franchise, Lloyd In Space on ABCs One Saturday Morning, and
Michael Chrichton novels. Ive done sci-fi / action / humor / drama with
Zounds!, Action / sitcom / drama / epic with Circus Ninja, or Nathan, and
just recently, I got the idea for fantasy / adventure / childrens show with one
of my newest animated series ideas, which as of now doesnt have a title yet,
but will eventually. I want to write humorous paranormal suspense novels (a
genre created entirely by me, Im proud to say). Im not sure what type of
comic books and movies I want to make. My website will just be weird and
funny, but also personal all at the same time. Eventually, I do want to write a
serious novel, or even more than one of them. I have so many ideas that its
not even funny. This is very good. Im learning more and more about how to
format a manuscript for my novels. Double spacing, using headers and
footers, etc. Its really not that hard to do. I must remember to read the
beginning of the Writers Market book. What really matters is that you have
talent and that you craft well told stories that people can really be able to
appreciate. Show, dont tell.

This is great. Just recently, I was able to get the damn MP3s to work so that
now I can upload singular ones to my site directory, so that people can
download them. I just have to finish getting all the MP3s that I want to get.
That shouldnt be too hard. Some only take about a minute to download.
Others can take as long as 15 or 20 minutes, which is not good. I need to
think up some brilliant new writing ideas. Where is my intellect? This is a
joke. Its always there, and always will be. I just have to make a conscious
effort to use it, which is never usually too hard for me. For some reason, I
think I have good karma right now. I love having good karma. I hope that if
Im not enlightened in this lifetime, than at least Im not reborn into another
lower life of much greater suffering.

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About my website. I just found a bunch of good photographs to put on my

website, so thats good. It shouldnt be too hard or take to long to get the
Photo Gallery up. I just figured out how to work the scanner kind of, but Im
having trouble saving files. Im sure Ill be able to get this fixed in a couple
days, though. If I cant get my scanner to work, I cant have a photo section
or art gallery. Oh well. Im going to bed. Its late and Im very tired. I
worked hard today drawing, writing in my journal (figuring out headers and
footers), going to my day job and downloading MP3s for my site. If my arts
going to be on the Internet, I dont think Ill put it up for sale. I no sell.

I think it turns out that Phil is finally actually going to probably be moving
and leaving me to work on my portfolio all on my own. Things just havent
been going very well.

Theres so much good alternative music that I want to and would like to
listen to, such as alternative rock, industrial, ska, punk, lounge, J-Pop and
Brit-Pop. I also seem to like Jazz and Classical a lot too.

Sometimes I pray for things. I pray to God to please help me, but sometimes
it seems like whatever God there may be doesnt want to help me, so
therefore I must help myself. When God doesnt provide, we must help
ourselves. I dont believe God is an illusion or a mental disease. I believe, I
have a partial conviction that theres a God there, its just that Im not sure
what form the higher power is in because Ive never physically seen it. No
one can physically see God, but I think thats where the element of faith was
created. Im not comfortable admitting to everyone that Im a believer,
because I dont want to get lumped in with the crazies and Christ fanatics,
but I must have hope sometimes. Its tougher to function without hope. I
serve Buddhas vision as well as God, but thats not what I do my creative
work for. I do that for myself. I think my wisdom is more on behalf of my
own spirituality, or perhaps its on behalf of my hope for enlightenment, or
even the higher power that may exist. Im still deciding what my wisdom is
on behalf of.

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Cant wait. The new Weezer CD comes out this Tuesday or Wednesday. I
got to preview it at Park Avenue CDs. Not as good as the first ones, but still
very good. Im also waiting for the Domestic version of the new Gorillaz
CD to be released on June 5th. That should be good. Other than these things,
I kind of want to get a recent double CD called The Very Best of Elvis
Costello. I dig Costellos work.

Not sure what else to talk about, other than compassion, karma and the jail
systems of America.

I guess Ill talk about my comic book and just plain art influences. Im
influenced by weird Indie comic books, manga, anime, animated Disney
films, and certain movies that have a distinctive style. For writing, classic
literature, The Sixth Sense, Alan Moore books, Dave Barry, Ken Wilber,
well thought out philosophy books, and Stephen King novels.

Two sides separate the line of religious debate; One is faith and the other is
skepticism and refutation.

Another good question is:

Whats the meaning of life?
But thats more of a clich. I think Im done writing in this journal for
tonight. The only other deep question I can think of is:
What happens to you after you die?

Temporal, ephemeral, solipsism, existentialism, integral, narcissism,

fundamentalism, Traducianism, manifestation, mordant, relativism,
remedial, and revisionism.

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Kind of curious about Jhonen Vasquezs philosophical inquiries that he

makes reference to in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, symbolized by a basic
Z? Johnny questions sleep. He fears sleep because he feels sleeping
dissolves what little certainty of reality he already has left, since he is insane.
Thats a good question. Was everything before I woke up this morning
simply a dream or fantasy? Thats quite a solipsistic question, although
nonetheless a realistic one. Not a bad question at all. Maybe reincarnation or
being reborn at first feels like it does when you just wake from a deep sleep,
because I know that when I awake from a very deep sleep, I tend to have
trouble remembering what I did the day before, just like if I had a past life or
past lives, I cant directly remember what happened during them, such as
how I died, etc. I need to start meditating thinking about death and rebirth,
and then maybe, just maybe Ill eventually get some answers. Its just right
now Im going to have to be satisfied with the profound wisdom and insight
that I already possess, which aint too bad in their own right. I dont really
want to be a philosopher or spiritual leader, but at this moment in time that
seems to be what Ive been sounding like.

Would like to and am going to expound upon Ken Wilbers theory that the
body itself is narcissistic and egotistical. I think this is definitely true. This
can make it hard to feel compassion for other people.

Dont know if Ill ever turn out to be a celebrity. That could be nice, and
then again maybe it wouldnt. Im not sure if I want to be admired and have
a legion of fans that listen obsessively to every word I say. Im not sure if I
want to be admired that much. Im not that good. Ken Wilber and Alan
Moore are so much more important that I am and probably ever will be.

Dont know if Ill ever get to meet a super media celebrity like Bill Clinton,
Stephen King, or the Dalai Lama. Ill settle for Todd McFarlane and John
Lasseter. I dont know if Ill ever meet or work with any of my idols.

Well. The main bad news I can think of is the fact that just recently our
computer went psychotic again, went dead, and erased some of my recent
writing files, including the computer written writing for my website (which I

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have most of hand written also, so thats not too bad, my links, and the last 5
or 6 pages of my journal writing. But on the big scale of things, thats not
too bad. I can just rewrite my website writing pieces. Good thing I printed a
recent copy of my links list out. But as the clich goes, the important thing is
that Im okay, and well, I am.

This is good; Im getting closer to finishing my website. I have quite a few

things left, though, such as the guest book, message board, chatroom, MP3s,
GIFs, interactive games, links, music videos, Ask Retarded Billy, Area 51
Q&A, my photos that I found, news, updates, my writing and my artwork.
So I still have a while to go, but Im getting closer!

Just recently bought a new art book that features the work of a comic book
artist who I hadnt heard of before yesterday, named Yoshitoshi ABe. He
created the project Serial Experiment: Lain. I also just wrote him a fan letter
telling him how amazing I thought his work was. Yoshitaka Amano is very
good too.

The only important things I talked about that got erased were two things.
One was how I think Im in love with a girl at my work named Lilian from
Columbia in South America.

The other thing was about how I found this one ladies wallet lying in a
shopping cart in the parking lot, she came back and got it after I dropped it
off at the Customer Service booth, her whole life was in that wallet, she
came to me in tears and said I saved her life, gave me twenty dollars to
show how grateful she was and that was the first time Ive realized Ive truly
affected the life of someone I dont even know. It felt amazing. More
rewarding than the $20 she gave me, in fact.

Maybe my website is pure genius, and maybe its just another stupid
website. Its all open to interpretation, and since were all quite possibly one
in the large scale of cosmic integration, every opinion is valid, because they
all come from the same voice. Even the greatest masterpieces of all time get

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mixed reactions from different people nowadays. I suppose some people are
entitled to their opinions, even if certain peoples opinions may seem idiotic
to some. But seriously, whom the fuck are we to judge? For instance,
someone calling something gay that they think is stupid.

Today was my last day being a junior in high school. Im going to be on

vacation for a few months, which means more time to work on my portfolio
of course. That should be fun. I cant believe in a few months Ill be a
senior. Thats going to be amazing. On school days Ill be able to leave
school early if I want to probably!! Brilliant! Bloody brilliant!!! Im not
going to be like John Lennon and Dave Eggers and scream to the world that
I think Im a genius. Ill let the world come to terms with at conclusion on its
own ability. Some will probably believe and some wont. Thats natural for
the world to function that way. We have such a beautiful variety of people in
this country. Its unfortunate that not every gets along well with the next
person.

My work hasnt gotten any reviews yet. When I do start getting reviews, I
will read all of them or as many of them as I can, especially the bad ones and
see which bad ones and good ones are valid. That way Ill know what people
dislike about my work. If you write or draw, theres always someone out
there who will try to put down what you do or just plain try to put you down.
I have to be prepared for that.

I want my work to have a good pace and flow to it. My writing AND my
drawing. I used to want to shock. Now I just want to tell good stories and
occasionally give a good shock that might piss somebody off.

I think Im going to meditate tonight. I havent done that in a while and I

desperately need to. Ive seriously been slacking.

Last night I drew some doodles and one outstanding drawing. I copied one
of Yoshitoshi ABes drawings from the Essence book (the one with the guy
wearing the beanie cap), and it turned out great. Yoshitoshi is definitely one

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of my new artistic influences now. Im also inspired by Yoshitaka Amano,

Edward Gorey, Doctor Suess, Chuck Jones, Tim Burton, Bruce Timm, Walt
Disney, Glenn Keane, Frank Cho, Kosuke Fujishima, Hiroaki Samura
(Blade of the Immortal), Katsuhiro Otomo (Akira), David Mack (Kabuki),
Terry Moore, Jeff Smith, Norman Rockwell, Burne Hogarth, Dean
Cornwell, Masashi Tanaka (Gon), Will Eisner, Marc Hempel, J. Scott
Campbell, Jim Mahfood, Jhonen Vasquez, Evan Dorkin, Judd Winick, Dave
Sim, Moebius, Chynna Clugston-Major, ancient Japanese artists, Leonardo
Da Vinci, Vincent Van Gogh, and quite a few Disney Feature Animation
artists as well as anime directors and Renaissance painters. I dont read
enough, so Im still kind of deciding what my writing influences are. I like
writers like Kevin Smith, Jhonen Vasquez, Dave Barry, Quentin Tarrantino,
M. Night Shyamalan, Stephen King, Alan Moore, Edgar Allen Poe, Ray
Bradbury, Paul Dini, Chris Carter, the Monty Python writing staff, Garth
Ennis, Warren Ellis, Terry Moore, Brian Michael Bendis, and Ken Wilber a
lot. I tend to be more drawn towards the bizarre and weird stuff as far as art
and writing goes, but I dont like something if it has no substance, even if it
is weird and out there. But enough about influences! I think Ill move onto
different topics, but Im not sure what ones. The things is now that Ive been
taking lessons for some time now (roughly about two and a half years), Ive
become much more skilled and when I look at really good drawings, I
appreciate them for the craftsmanship AND the visionand sometimes one
or the other. In other words, I know what really good artwork is.

I do need to clean up the computer room and my bedroom before I go to

work at 4 oclock today. Ha! As the macho men say, Id better not turn into
an art fag or a computer geek, or even a comic book dork, even though I
think this statement is bull.

Soon it will be time to clean up my room, which shouldnt be TOO hard to

do.

I want to see many artists sketchbooks. I have sketchbooks by Will Eisner,

Glen Keane, and Yoshitoshi ABe, but Id like to see the sketchbooks and
miscellaneous work of artists such as Moebius, Frank Cho (Frank Cho
Illustrator), Doctor Suess, and Terry Moore (SIP TPs). Actually, any

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sketchbook thats very good and has outstanding artwork, I will buy. So I
guess if I want to buy sketchbooks, I can find them if I want to.

I think four modern influential bands are Weezer, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails
and Radiohead. Speaking of influential, I wonder if Ill ever be considered
influential. Thats one thing I wont know until down the road.

Ive thought up so much to write about and so many good statements so far.
For now Im content to just sit here at this computer. Ive already proved I
have talent. I dont need to prove that to myself right now, but I may in the
future. I just dont understand. My drawings used to suck, but now theyre
very good. Im impressed. I wonder what the generation of artists and
writers that follow my generation (Generation X) will be like. Im 17-and-ahalf years old, am about to become a senior in high school, I experimented
with alcohol a bit when I was 15, Im a Buddhist, I lived through the 80s and
I can draw as well as write. What else do I need?!? Not much, Ill tell you
that. I like being a member of generation X, even though I dont approve of
what a lot of the members of my generation do. I too will be an adult one
day, despite how much I slack on my driving practice, Im terrible at
cooking and I make irresponsible financial decisions. Hey. I too might run
my own business one day, where I start a creative property franchise. Im
not sure what kind of properties Id make. Id want to do a TV show, comic
book or something. I dont know much about publishing, marketing and
business, but I probably will in the future. If Im going to be an executive
producer, Im going to have to understand business. Or maybe Ill just do the
creative work and let someone take care of the business things for me.

I dont really have much to write about except a few things. I just wrote
Katie an email letter of sympathy because her friend Jamie died a few days
ago. I hope she likes the letter.

Also, I think Im pretty certain that that Lilian woman at work wants me,
because whenever she notices Im looking at her, she smiles and winks at
me. I just smile back. Its embarrassing.

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Art school and life drawing classes are going to be so great. Ill have an
amazing time learning to draw even better than I do now. Of course I want
to get into portrait drawing, gesture drawings, contours, painting, anatomy,
and perspective. I want to master my craft, but that means starting soon, Im
going to have to draw a lot more than I am now. I would like to draw for five
hours a day and do a lot of bad drawings, ending up with at least seven
decent drawings a day. Thats what professional artists do after all. Yes, in a
way I am also a writer, storyteller, visionary, actor, musician, philosopher,
spiritual practitioner, web site creator, and director, but first and foremost I
am an artist, and just recently that realization has truly come to me. Thats
what I started out as and I dont plan on quitting any time soon, especially
since a year or so from now Ill going to be in art school, working my ass
off. Since I have gifts, I may as well use the original gift God has given me.

Im going to have to go to work soon, but I just thought Id say something.

My grandmother is visiting during the next couple weeks. Shes here today.
She just gave my brother and I some presents. My brother got the Rocky
VHS trilogy. I just got the Ghost in the Shell DVD! Now that I have a type
of DVD player, I now have the The Sixth Sense and the Ghost in the Shell
DVD. Two of my favorite movies of all time. I think Im also going to get
Akira (when it comes out), Fight Club, Tarzan, and Pulp Fiction, along with
many others. If Invader ZIM comes out on DVD, Ill buy that too.

I would like to buy the Sandman: The Dream Hunters trade paperback.
Thats the one illustrated by Yoshitaka Amano.

Rented the Fight Club DVD, just to be sure if Im going to buy it and to see
all the extra features. Theres so much extra stuff that its unbelievable. So
now its a definite must buy. Im also going to buy comics, a Gustav Klimt
art book, and put a lot of my money in the bank to save up for college and a
laptop.

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To important attributes in any person, including myself, are modesty and

humility. Humble is defined as showing knowledge and consciousness of
ones own defects and shortcomings.

When Im meditating there are many things I should focus my mind on,
such as death, other peoples suffering, happiness, physical fitness,
calmness, balance or Tao, karma, my good attributes, my defects, my
shortcomings, concentration, and mindful living.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 31

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May 2001

I just bought two awesome art books. One of the best things about them
(other than the fact that they contain extraordinary artwork) is that theyre
very big books and they only cost $20 at the most. Actually, one costs about
$10 and the other, thicker one costs $19 plus tax. One book features the art
of Eugene Delacroix, who I think will be one of my new artistic influences,
and the other features Gustav Klimt who did wonderful stylized anatomy
and was an innovative genius-type painter when he was alive. He influenced
such artists as Frank Cho and Yoshitaka Amano, two modern day illustrator
auteur. Im also planning on getting books on Leonardo Da Vinci, Vincent
Van Gogh, Picasso, Norman Rockwell, Dean Cornwell and Japanese Prints.
Frank Cho Illustrator, Sandman: The Dream Hunters, The R. Crumb Coffee
Table Art Book, the Disney The Art Of books, and the Yoshitaka Amano art
books are now must-buys on my book list.

Im going to draw in a few minutes. I have a lot of things to draw now. Im

really going to make an effort to study painting, portraits, gestures, contours,
anatomy, shading, and perspective. Inking can come later, and maybe
painting can too. I want to be able to draw in many different styles, using
many different mediums, but still manage to do them all well, and maybe
combine some of them. Painting is not as hard as it looks. You have to pay
attention to every little space on the paper and on your model (every nook
and cranny) as well as be able to use one color to create many different
shades, patterns and textures. That way if you can use one color well in a
variety of shades, it will only be easier to work with many different colors. I
like working with color. It adds a certain type of liveliness to artwork that
the black and white medium often seems to be lacking.

Recently Ive noticed that my artwork has been missing something. I put the
analytical thought and energy into my drawings, but I dont poor my heart
and soul into my work. I know this might sound weird to some people, but I
want to be able to put my soul into my artwork, writing and directing, as
well as my intelligence, skill, craftsmanship and knowledge into it. All the
great masters could do this. I dont want to be a mediocre artist. I want to be
either very skilled or a master. Either is acceptable. Im sick of TALKING
about drawing. I dont want to become a dilettante. I want to be a skilled

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artist who practices what he preaches. Good artists talk about drawing most
of the time and draw every once in a while. Great artists draw all the time,
absorb positive knowledge, but talk about art very little, unless its to inform
other people of their work methods.

I just did some drawing. I think Ill do more around 8:40 (20 minutes from
now) or at 9 tonight, because Ive done enough writing altogether so far to
last a lifetime. I want to talk more about the wonder that is art and drawing.

Theres not much else to talk about. Id rather be at the drawing table
anyways. It didnt used to be like this. Writing was more fun than drawing,
but now drawing is more fun than writing, so Im sure Ill be doing a lot of it
in the next couple of days, since Im probably not going to be able to see
Phil much more before he leaves for Fort Lauderdale. See, hes now got a
kick-ass teaching job at the art school of Fort Lauderdale, and he seems to
want me to go to that school. Maybe I will if I dont get accepted at Cal Arts
or SVA. In the future I might be a big shot artist/writer/director who might
just have two houses or a house and an apartment. One in CaliforniaLos
Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, San Jose, or Burbankand one in New
York (Manhattan). Boston and Philadelphia seem nice also. Aw hell! I might
even live in London or Canada. It would be nice going on a worldwide
promotional tour, or at least a national one.

I dont think Ill ever truly forget where I came from. I dont think thats
possible. I have too many memories about my childhood in Casselberry,
Florida, even if I become a big shot megastar, prolific award winning-type
celebrity who has trouble going outside without getting mobbed for
autographs by people I dont even know.

I dont see myself as the type of person who would be influential. I cant see
myself as the type of person that would be in the spotlight, whom people
saw and tried to imitate. My style isnt THAT distinctive. I have talent, but
right now I dont have influence.

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Im always going to stay the same old humble person I always have been.
Im not going to think Im above regular people, and Im not going to ever
completely believe my own press. I know my ability. Many can write, but
they cant draw worth shit. Many can draw, but they cant write worth shit. I
happen to have the gift of being able to do both for one reason or another.
The amazing twist of fate is that I can do them both well.

I dont watch very much television, but I dont have to worry. There isnt a
single Pulitzer, or Nobel Prize winner, whos had their own movie or
television show. They write books and strive for world peace, which are
more important than having a lot of money or your own movie or television
show. I do have a couple shows and channels that I like. I enjoy the Cartoon
Network, HBO, Frazier, Toonami, The X-Files, Malcolm in the Middle,
Futurama, Larry King Live, the Mitch Albom show, Oprah Winfrey, Conan
OBrien, Invader ZIM, and a couple others I cant remember.

Im still making an effort to practice Zen Buddhism and the way of the Tao.
Now that Im on the topic of spirituality: I think ritualistic churchgoing isnt
very spiritual overall. Sure you go to church, sing a few hymns, listen to the
minister read stories from the Bible, and pray to God, and listen to Gospel
music, but I think the whole aspect of being in a church isnt necessarily a
truly spiritual event. Its more ritualistic. God and the spirit are two separate
things. In church, some people supposedly make a connection with God, but
I dont think attending church truly helps one communicate with their
spirituality. I think devoted meditation practice and body-mind exercises are
an overall more effective tool for communicating with ones spirituality than
attending church is. Good karma, meditation and practicing compassion do
better to help me make a greater connection with my soul and spirit than
going to church ever did. You dont have to go to church just to pray. You
can do that anywhere. I think I have a good connection with God if there is
one, and I think Ive attained a lot of good karma in the past year or so. Im
very well off, in mind, in soul and in body. Ive attained a lot of new and
useful wisdom as well as knowledge.

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My family is in the other rooms of the house watching movies right now.
If I wrote a novel, when the characters were in their houses, Im not sure
how Id have them interact, which is why I have some doubts about my
novel writing ability, because Im lacking in the knowledge department
when it comes to observation on what the average person does, what friends
do, what people do at regular jobs, how families interact, the suburbs, etc.,
etc., but Im sure Ill learn. Actually, if I want to write novels, I kind of have
to and dont really have a choice. The only way to overcome my fears and
insecurities is by actually sitting down and starting to write a book, chapter
by chapter. Im probably not as bad at filmmaking and novel writing as I
think I will be. I want to write about the paranormal as well as suspense, and
thats most likely what Ill do, but I need a plot and characters interacting to
do this, and thats where I have a problem right now.

Theres a lot on the outside of my body in this world that I have to see, but
theres also so much inside of me that Im still discovering. My mind and
soul are so vast. Meditation and being compassionate are now more
entertaining and rewarding to me than watching television (and some
movies) is.

June 2001

I think at around 2:30 Im going to begin drawing at my drawing table.

My father says that Im going to have to start taking life drawing classes
and visiting art colleges pretty soon. Actually, very soon. I mean within the
next couple months. I think Ill go back to working on my newest portfolio
piece today, since I only have about half a year to finish my portfolio. Thats
not good, but I can do it. I just need more new ideas. I need to start searching
again.

I just got back from work, and it turns out I didnt draw today. I did buy two
great books. Ones titled Degas Drawings and the other is another art book
called Japanese Prints. They both will provide even more excellent drawing

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material. I now own an Elvis Costello CD, and I couldnt be more proud. I
didnt know the title for the novel High Fidelity was a reference to an Elvis
Costello song until I bought the CD.

This is going to be hectic. In the next couple of months Im going to be

taking some life drawing classes, hopefully to get some material for my
portfolio, and then Im going to be traveling all over this stinking country to
look at art colleges. My portfolio will be due in about six months, so Im
going to need to crank out some good pieces. Im pretty sure Ill be able to
do it. Tomorrow, right after I get up and watch some cartoons, Im going to
have to hit the drawing board early and draw for a couple hours (drawing
things out of my new art books and going back to working on the futuristic
angel portfolio piece). I know Im capable of this.

Im not sure what else to talk about, other than that the feeling of when
youre in love with someone, but you also know they wont love you back is
a horrible feeling. Maybe I can marry this word processor.

Its too bad modern musicians dont make music like Elvis Costello, Queen,
the Smashing Pumpkins and The Beatles used to. Weezer and Radiohead
still make good music, but those are probably some of the only consistent
examples I can think of.

I miss the old days, back when there used to be a lot of cool Indie comics,
there used to be something on the radio, and there were a ton of cool
entertaining cartoons on weekdays, Saturday and Sunday mornings, and not
just a few okay cartoons only on Saturday mornings and Friday nights. In a
way I still miss the old days and am still mourning the American television
animation Renaissances passing. It was a thing that happened in the early
and mid Nineties. Speaking of that, during the last lesson with Phil, I asked
Phil why there arent as many good American cartoons on television
anymore, and Phil simply replied by saying that thats why Im going into
making cartoons, because he confidently said that Id definitely make some
good cartoons. I know this and so does Phil, thank God. But first Im going
to make a name for myself, or at least a decent living (hopefully) working

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for Disney Feature Animation and Marvel Comics, among others. Im not
going to try to make films, write novels or pitch show ideas until I make a
stable living doing mainstream work working with other artists and writers,
but before that I go to art school, studying the craft of other artists and all the
masters of eastern and western fine art, and some contemporary artists such
as Yoshitaka Amano, Terry Moore, Glen Keane, Robert Crumb, and Frank
Cho, all while experimenting and practicing in different styles and mediums,
such as pencil, ink, pastels, paint and photography. That should be a lot of
fun. A lot of hard work and some frustration but still a lot of fun. While I do
all this, I might also date, grow a beard, and write a lot of observations and
ideas down in my laptop, while I work a day job. Man! Ill be very busy, but
thats what happens when you have the ability. You tend to be very busy
with different creative projects, collaborating with different equally creative
people. So here is where I start adulthood. Im sure if I become successful
enough, Ill take a hiatus and go into hiding for however long.

Im a Buddhist and I make an effort to feel compassion for everyone, but

sometimes when Im writing on my journal, my dad will give me a hard time
for not drawing, even when I only write for 30 minutes or so. He doesnt
understand that he fucks up my creative balance when he does that, and
sometimes, especially times like that, he just needs to shut the fuck up and
stop giving me a hard time. All he does is frustrate me when he does that.

I might write in this journal for an hour or two, but then I go straight to the
drawing table. I know I said that yesterday, but today Im going to do it. I
have no excuse today. Im listening to Elvis Costellos Best Of CD once
again today. I love that guy. He kicks ass. There are a couple things Ive
been studying and am going to keep studying. They include computers,
history, business, painting, drawing, fine art from the east and west, eastern
and western philosophy, classic eastern and western or world literature,
eastern spirituality, film, writing, publishing, contemporary pop culture
(despite the fact that it is often very shallow) so that I can see whats popular
and what a lot of people like, and Buddhism.

I just finished looking at the art college catalogues for the School Of Visual
Arts, the California Institute of the Arts, and Joe Kubert School of

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Cartooning and Graphic Design, and I must say that theyve truly inspired
me to get to drawing pretty soon. I love studying art!!! I love drawing also!!
In a certain sense, Im ahead of a lot of other artists because Ive had
lessons, and I have a lot of drawing wisdom and common sense. When I
draw for real, Im not drawing for anyone other than myself. I draw for no
other reason other than to entertain myself.

When I write and make new writing, Im not really focusing on my

audience. I never focus on my audience, because then Id get too caught up
in the fact that I actually have an audience. Thats my logic anyway. I cant
even imagine someone even bothering to wait two hours or more in line just
to have me sign my name on something and talk to them. People can do that
without waiting. They dont need to wait in line to do that.

Im going to draw today before I go to work. Yesterday, I was looking at

some of my old drawings, and its amazing how Ive simply transcended the
limits of my own old drawing ability. I can now not only draw in the box,
but I can also draw inside and outside of the box. Thats a metaphor. I can
draw a character in deep space nearly, plus I can give the character or object
weight. When I was looking at my old drawings, I noticed that even my best
old drawings had a certain stiffness and rigidity to them. My new drawings
are much more relaxed, free-flowing, and loose, and thats a quality Ive
seen in a lot of the most skilled artists I know of. I think Ive finally let go of
my old style, and my artwork looks a lot better now than it did then. Hmmm,
so Phil wasnt wrong after all. Maybe art instruction is of some use after all.
I havent drawn with that old light blue mechanical #0.7 pencil even once in
a very long time, and I think thats the thing that truly symbolizes me letting
go of my old way of drawing. Its Prismacolor all the way! The amazing
thing is that even my doodles make at least some sense. In the olden Joey
days, my doodles used to look so horrible and badly drawn. Now even my
doodles have a little bit of a vision, thought, and style behind them. I dont
have a style yet. The truth is, in art, who really needs a style? In some ways,
an artistic style can be nothing more than a cage that traps the artist to
drawing the same way every single time, and thats never good. Drawing the
same way all the time isnt really very creative. Its more confining and
restrictive than it is creative. I think a lot of whats helped my ability has
been the gesture and contour drawings that Ive done. All you really HAVE
to do is draw naturally and comfortably, and draw exactly what you see.

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Also dont be married to one particular line. I think Ill go do something

now, like masturbate while thinking about an attractive teenage girl I saw on
the street somewhere. I wonder if Tonys worked on my website in the last
couple days. I hope so.

When I move out and go off to college, I think my parents will miss me, as I
will miss them. Life moves on though. I dont know if its Gods plan or the
evolution of existence. Im not sure.

Im not sure if my visions are unified, because Im not exactly sure what
unified means. I just drew a drawing a couple minutes (maybe ten) ago. It
turned out good, and Im not sure why Im still at this word processor and
not going with the good feeling I got from doing a damn good new drawing.
I like that phrase The best drawing you ever do will be the last drawing
you ever do. I dont know. We artist type people are a very funny and
peculiar lot.
Im probably nothing more than a dilettante and a hack. You know, someone
who just has a small natural ability and cashes in on it, like Todd McFarlane,
not that I have anything against the guy. I just think hes somewhat of a
hack, as far as basic drawing skills go. His anatomy is not accurate to the
real thing.

Im one of those creative people who want to do more than just one project a
year. Ill do ten projects a year if I can.

When my websites fully up, Ill probably get some emails. Maybe a lot. Got
to expect the hate mail, though. If youre email address is up where every
crazy scary person can see it, its kind of inevitable that youll get some
scary letters from psychotic people. People tend to say rude and thoughtless
things. If and when Im a celebrity, people will probably get upset about the
strangest things that I might do. Or someone might even follow you into the
bathroom, or even wait for you in the bathroom. Its weird how devoted
some fans are. Jhonen writes a lot of nonsense in his books, and on his
message boards and in his emails, he gets a lot more nonsense reciprocated
to him. Probably more than he can handle at times. Im definitely not going

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to put my picture up on my website. I dont want people spotting me on the

street that I dont even know, or at least not yet anyway. That would create
complications.

These past two weeks have been weird. I just keep churning out decent
drawing after decent drawing. Even my pseudo-new drawings dont stand a
comparison to the ones Ive done in the past couple weeks. I drew a lot
tonight also. Ive done sketch renditions of drawings by Gustav Klimt,
Eugene Delacroix, Yoshitoshi ABe, and Edgar Degas, plus today I
experimented in pastels, and came up with a great pastel drawing of an eye,
which is definitely a sign of encouragement to keep pursuing working in
color. I want to work with pastels, watercolor and tube paint manipulated by
a paintbrush. The Gustav Klimt pregnant woman rendition was very
abstract, and I was very proud of it when I first finished drawing it. I want to
do a lot more abstract drawings like that one, now that I know I can do them
well. Hot damn! I did a pastel drawing AND an abstract drawing in one
day!!! See what happens when you persevere? I think I did what I
complained about not doing earlier. I put my soul into my drawings, even
though I didnt realize it at the time. I have God to thank for this soul
transcendence (even though I dont believe souls are created by God) and
Buddha to thank for my current state of euphoria.

I also did 40 sit-ups earlier today. It looks like I might actually produce good
enough work to get into a really nice art school after all. I think now I feel
worthy of the term Disney animator because I feel like my artistic skill is
well off enough.

I think Ive come up with a mental cure for some of my self-created

suffering thats created by my anxiety and negative thoughts. I simply let the
thoughts pass, make and effort to push them out of my mind until theyre out
and then forget about them. Its as simple as that. Actually, I think Im doing
that right now.

So what are some good inspiration sources for artists and writers? Well, I
can easily think of a lot of artists. They include but are not necessarily

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limited to fine art, modern art, animated series, Disney films, coffee table
movie and animation art books, classic comic books, modern color
mainstream comic books, Indie and underground comix, newspaper
cartoons, film, magazines, the Internet, photographs, manga and anime. Its
also important to learn to master the basics until you know all of them by
heart. And of course its important to practice every day, read art and
drawing instruction books, and take art classes as well as attend decent art
colleges. Im doing all of these currently or am going to be doing all of them
soon.

When Im published, I wonder if Ill give very many critiques to aspiring

artists. I hope so. I like looking at other artists and writers work, but
especially if its well done. Jhonen Vasquez, Jim Mahfood, and Frank Cho
all get quite a bit of fan art and artists that aspire to be like them. I could be
like that one day. Who knows? If I get super good at drawing, I can do a lot
of sketches at conventions. I do like drawing a lot after all.

At the cost of sounding egotistical and arrogant, I think there are certain
aspects to me that make me both cool and attractive to some women. I listen
to cool music, wear cool funky clothes, draw well, write well, read cool
books, and watch cool movies, Im really creative, Im intelligent and know
linguistics, and I have a good sense of humor, yet I still claim to be a geek.
Why, I dont know. I hope Im not admired and praised too much if Im a
critically acclaimed genius-type celebrity. Even if I were, Id do my best not
to get a big head. It would be cool if doing all that creative stuff, promoting,
selling, interacting with collaborators and fans, and talking to the press
would be the way Id make my living, and a good one at that. That would be
wonderful, even if I made only $40,000 to $50,000 a year, which would still
be a heck of a lot better than what some people make for working harder
than I actually would. I dont want to be treated like a God or anything by
fans.

The Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale seems like a very good place to go right
about now, especially if CalArts and the School of Visual Arts dont like my
portfolio. Phil said he had faith in me, though. He said that when I asked if
he thought Id be able to do a good job on my portfolio by myself. He told

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me to remember that Ive already had two years of training with him, which
in a way comforted me. Hopefully hell be able to sell Brain Flea, his idea
for an animated series. Then maybe I could help him design, write or
animate it. The really bad news is that if I go to lessons with Phil next week
on Tuesday, that will be my last lesson with him before he moves out for
good. Damn, Im going to miss that guy, even though Ill still be able to
contact him occasionally in the future. He did deliver some very good news
that made me optimistic. He knows this one Australian guy whos a head
Disney Feature artist whos advised many Feature animators, worked on
Mulan, the Timon & Pumba animated series, as well as the Aladdin
animated series. Phil told me that although this guy is very busy, he might be
able to give me personal lessons. That would kick ass. The guy works in
many different mediums, including paint, sculpting and photography. Please
God; I hope this guy will be able to give me some instructions. Phil even
told the guy about me, and from what Phil and Kristine said he might be
interested. Phil also told me that this guy is better at drawing than he is. But
if that doesnt work out, Im still going to be taking the life drawing class at
Crealde, which will happen about three weeks from now. I cant wait to
finish my fucking portfolio, so that I could just go back to trying to draw
simply for fun, since I do like drawing quite a bit, especially when I dont
have to do it under a deadline. I guess Id better get used to deadlines,
though, because Im probably going to have a lot more of them in the future.
Yes children. Art and writing jobs can be stressful too, especially when you
have hideous deadlines looming over the horizon.

Im doing my best to make up for the bad things Ive done. I want to atone
for my bad actions, sins, bad karma, or whatever someone may choose to
call it. I prefer calling it karma. Right now I feel like I own the world. I feel
like fuckin Picasso!!! Either him, Edgar Degas, Da Vinci, or Gustav Klimt.
Im not sure if Ill ever be good enough at my craft to teach art to people. Id
like to teach, but Im also afraid of making a fool of myself by looking like I
dont really know anything. To be honest, I really want to get as much art
instruction as I can, as well as practice as much as I can, until I become
proficient at working with pencils, ink, paint, watercolor, pastel, charcoal,
and cameras, drawing animation, comic books, cartooning, still life, gesture
drawings, contours, negative and positive space, anatomy, light and shade,
perspective, construction, pathos, storytelling and proportions.

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Just sent Phil and his family and email. I hope they enjoy it. I put a lot of
thought and effort into it.

Well. Tony finally got my email address up on my website. That rocks! Now
people that visit my site in the future can send me an email if they want to.

Now about being funny. You cant really teach someone to be funny. You
just know if you are funny. Its kind of weird like that. If anyone could learn
how to be funny, everyone would be making as much money writing
comedy as Jerry Seinfeld does. Its as simple as that.

I bought two books, a trade paperback and a CD today after I finished my

appointment with Mrs. Jo Ann Cook. I bought Awakening the Buddha
Within, Sin and Syntax, Neon Genesis Evangelian Vol. 3, and the
Radiohead: Amnesiac CD.

I think Im officially a Zen Buddhist now, rather than just a Buddhist, since I
believe meditation is the key to attaining enlightenment.

I think Im going to draw tonight around 7 or so. Im not going to give into
any distractions until I come up with one or a couple decent drawings, which
shouldnt be too hard if I put my mind to it. Also, I think Ive realized
something. When I want to do something and get something important done,
but I find myself slacking, one thing that helps me sometimes is to think of
myself and imagine myself physically doing that thing Im trying to do. That
should most likely work for me.

I saw an art museum in Winter Park with Mrs. Jo Ann today. That was a
wonderful experience. Winter Park is such a beautiful Floridian city. It has
so many wonderful things to see. Rollins College, the museums, the huge
houses, the shops (the comic book store and Park Avenue CDs), restaurants,
art festivals, the Enzian, concerts. Everything! I love Winter Park. Its such a
peaceful and nice looking place. The heart of downtown Orlando is nice too.

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Well, it appears as if Ill be a bit late transcending my computer trance, and

getting to the drawing board. Thats okay though. Im on vacation!! I dont
know if Ill get requests for commissions on my artwork. I dont think
anyone will really be all that interested in my work. Im proud of my work
after all, and thats all that matters. I saw some really great looking posters at
Borders today that had a lot to do with fine art. I definitely want to buy
them.

Im not sure what to write about. God! I dont know how many times Ive
said that so far.

Aside from drawing and exercise, I dont plan to do all that much today
other than work and try to come up with some new writing for my website or
something else, some other thing that I can display my writing in.

I went into the journal section of www.angelfire.com , and I must say I really
enjoy the Relax Your Mind website. It contains some truly brilliant writing.
Its deep, but not as deep as Ken Wilbers writing. Not as deep as Buddha,
the theories of being and existence, or the concept of God.

I just thought of something weird to write about. Fear of dying: Many people
are afraid to die, but I feel thats simply because they do not truly
comprehend, understand or accept the concept of death. A lot of people are
suffering to the point of being very suicidal, but when they think of actually
committing suicide, theyre too afraid of the pain theyll feel from actually
dieing. Thats a very complex mindset. Suicide is not the answer. Your own
suffering in your current life may or may not be relieved, but the ones who
love you and want to see you live will still inevitably end up suffering even
more. I think suffering is one truly universal trait that people share, which is
unfortunate, because it proves suffering still exists in the first place. Its sad
really. Now that Im on the topic of the universal, I think Ill bring one thing
up also. I truly do believe that the inner-genius and the inner-Buddha exists
somewhere deep within all of us. Its just a matter of unlocking it. We can
all be leaders, sages, prophets, and altruistic. Its just a matter of seeing and
discovering the uses for being these things. The simple fact-of-the-matter is

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were all human beings, we all desire to be happy, and we all have suffered
and quite possibly will suffer at one point or another. Now THATs using
non-solipsistic empathy. Buddha started out a normal human being just like
you or I. He simply also found a divine truth, or four divine truths to be
more specific. He called them the four noble truths. Hey. Maybe Im not a
loser after all. Maybe Im a good person who still believes in chivalry,
decency, compassion, and common humanity, as rare as my type may be.
When I see Timothy McVeigh and Adolf Hitler on television, even thought I
know exactly what theyve done, I dont see fucker evil cocksucking
murderers who are going to burn in hell. I see nothing more than two more
suffering human beings that have been misguided, made extremely bad
decisions, halted more innocent lives than they could ever comprehend, and
seem to lack the ability to feel compassion. Thats why I feel sorry for them.
I absolutely believe that what theyve done is very, very wrong, but I feel
sorry for them because of the fact that theyre vision has been blurred
enough to allow them to do such horrible things. I feel more sympathy for
the victims, though, obviously, considering that they, the criminals, were the
ones who made the conscious decision to commit the vile acts.

I didnt draw today. I want to go to sleep, but I feel I need to say more
words, because I seem to have had a good flow today, which would most
likely explain my extremely brief drawing hiatus.

When I get older, even if its only slightly, I plan to read philosophy books
galore. Plato, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Jean-Paul Sartre, Socrates, Ken
Wilber, Lao Tzu. I want to read them all!! Expand my mind and transcend
its previous boundaries. I also want to read Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning
fiction, but this is only when Im not busy in art school after I graduate high
school, and I probably will be busy. Maybe Ill stop thinking of myself as a
genius, to further reduce my arrogance and ego, even though I dont think of
myself as a genius in that arrogant sort of way. I simply acknowledge it as a
matter of fact. Its there, whether I like it or not. I can hate myself, become
happy, sad, hateful, but the element of genius still remains nonetheless, just
as my soul, body and mind do. For better or for worse. Its all up to opinion.
All I can say is God bless everyone, and if theres no God, then may
everyone find everlasting happiness and fulfillment. A lot of people I talk to
at my job, at school and at home, say Im a good person. I would like to
think so, but I think Im really nothing more than just me. Not good, not bad.

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Not blessed, not evil. Not loving, not hateful. Not intelligent, not stupid. Not
God, not the Devil. Not soulful, not godless. Im just me. I experience
human emotions like everyone else. I simply have, feel and retain wisdom
and insight that a lot of other people, from what Ive observed, dont seem to
experience. Well, not as much anyways. I think Ive realized that that truly is
my gift. I think one day Ill try to imagine what God looks like, if God takes
on a temporal form at all.

I think I should definitely go to sleep soon, but I want to wait until Im really
tired so that if my plan comes to fruition, Ill be able to fall asleep right
away. To fall asleep, I usually have to be completely comfortable and relax.
My mind has to be completely peaceful and clear.

Now I remember the name of the artist whose work Mrs. Jo Ann and I saw
at the art museum in Winter Park. His name was Louis Comfort Tiffany and
he did a lot of awesome glass paintings. Im only going to write for about 30
minutes, an hour or so, because I need to draw a lot today before I see Phil
for the last time. I havent drawn enough, considering after next lesson Im
not going to be able to see Phil for lessons anymore. Last night, before I
went to sleep, I was listening to a segment of a radio talk show where they
put people live on the air without the aid of a screener, and I heard a Jackie
Chan impersonator who didnt do the voice half as good as I do. That felt
good. I guess I have some fans, or at least impersonators. That was funny! It
made me want to call the show up as Jackie Chan again. I guess hes my
trademark character.

It must be good have a distinctive style (which is something I dont have

yet) and seeing a lot of people emulate it, copy it and make fan art based on
it. I guess thats what happens when you get widely distributed and your
work does well and has a big audience. I dont want to be just Indie and I
dont want to be just mainstream. I would enjoy being both at different
times.

Those Invader ZIM episodes just get better and better with each newer
episode.

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Outside of comic books, Im still deciding who my writing influences are.

Maybe I should pick writers that are more literary than Dave Barry, Chris
Carter, and M. Night Shyamalan.

I think Lilian finds me very attractive. I told her during break that Im going
to be doing something involving art in college, and she seemed very wooed.
I did not expect that. Maybe chicks really do dig artists. I think quite a few
women are attracted to artists and writers. Women are attracted to
celebrities, creative guys, rich guys, intelligent guys and individuals, not all
together, but separately, so if I ever become a rich, famous, prolific and
respected celebrity, maybe I wont be able to keep the women off of me.
That would be a nice change of pace from what Im used to, which is all the
attractive women seemed to be unanimously repelled and disgusted by me,
except Liliana. Maybe its like what Phil said about success. Every woman
wants you and every guy wants to be you. Maybe in the future when
everyone knows what I do, everyone will want a piece of me. The constant
admiration might become tiring after a while. So what I say is bring on the
groupies!! I wont have sex with any of them, but itll just being enjoyable
knowing I have that sort of power. I dont know if Ill ever have a wife and
kids one day.

I dont know. I got a nice personality. What can I say? I have plenty of other
flaws, though. I havent reached perfection yet, and I dont expect to
anytime soon. Ive had to work very hard to get where Ive gotten, though,
and Im going to have to work even harder to get to where Im trying to be
at. Success is always a lot of hard work. A very small percentage of it is
luck. Luck only plays a small factor in success. When and if Im successful,
I wont forget where I grew up and the people I love, but I will forget the
enemies that used to disguise themselves as my friends, like some of my old
middle school friends. I think the idea that all famous people are full of their
selves and have big egos is a myth. Not all famous and rich people are like
that. Not all rich people are stuck up either. Im not worried about making
money. Im only worried about attaining happiness and doing a great job at
whatever it is I do and set my mind to.

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Im not sure if Im going to be able to get MP3s and pictures scanned by

myself onto my website. Ill probably be able to. I just have to figure out
how. I might have to download my MP3s from Napster.com again.

Its 10:02 at night right now. I guess I can write a teensy bit after all. Man, I
wish I had my own message board. That would be nice. I would like to get
input from people who enjoy or dont enjoy my work. I would like input on
my artwork and writing. Maybe I should make it so I dont expect to get
published by Slave Labor Graphics. Onis not accepting any unsolicited
submissions anymore. That sucks the big one. Oh well. Theres still Dark
Horse, Fantagraphics, Image, and of course theres always self publishing,
but thats a lot more hard work than Id really have to do if no publisher
would accept my creative work. I know the secret. I have to make my work
good. Better than almost everyone elses, to be precise. Better than Gloom
Cookie, Little Gloomy, The Waiting Place (easy to do), Private Beach (even
easier!), Stitch, Milk & Cheese, Hectic Planet, Dork, Sparks, Squee!, I Feel
Sick, and yes, even Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. Now the last one is a real
challenge. Thats for sure. But if its not better, it has to at least compare.
Jhonen Vasquez is SLGs most popular creator, so I have to be as
entertaining and almost as talented as he is. I dont think doing this will be
as hard if I can land jobs at Disney Feature Animation, Marvel Comics and
other mainstream places like DC. The key is to have some real talent, and
fortunately for me I believe thats what I have. I think I must follow three
important rules though.
1) I must have my own distinctive style thats different from almost every
other comic out there.
2) I must create some kind of a counter culture feel to incorporate into my
storytelling.
And
3) I must stay dedicated to the project Im working on and finish scripts as
well as page layouts on time, so that I dont anger my publisher. Well, not
too much anyways.

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I must work to get better at this deadline thing. Theres one other key
element that helps when youre trying to break into the entertainment
industry, and thats living on the west coast. Another key element is working
very hard, even if you feel like shit at times. So I guess one of my basic
points is that if I can draw like Frank Cho, Terry Moore, Yoshitaka Amano
or write like Brian Michael Bendis and Alan Moore, than I dont think Ill
have much of a problem getting published. If I was at that level, Id probably
win a lot of awards, but Im definitely not, so I dont have to worry about it.
Also, maybe one of these days Ill prove to myself that I have more
entertainment magic in me than just Zounds! and Circus Ninja. These could
quite possibly be two of my most commercially valuable and successful
ideas, if I develop them just right. I want to create more fun and amusing
characters. Ones with the same depth, realism, humanity and intelligence
(and other such thingamajigs).

If I get published, I definitely want to travel the country to do signings at

conventions. Id probably also do sketches as well as commissions.
Personalized sketches, signings, commissions, interviews, conventions,
award ceremonies, photo shoots, published work, and a whole lot of
practice. Its all goodAll of them get fan art. Thats so cool. A lot of my
favorite underground creators get fan art and emulators. Jim Mahfood,
Jhonen Vasquez, Kevin Smith, Evan Dorkin, Roman Dirge, Chynna
Clugston-Major. Damn! It makes me want to get to the drawing table and
practice a lot more. Actually, thats not the only reason. I want to practice
because tomorrows lesson with Phil will almost definitely be my last. My
upper lip smells weird. I dont know what that has to do with anything.

About my portfolio: Im not necessarily worried about actually doing the

drawing. Im just worried about coming up with ideas. I seem to have had
trouble doing that lately. Once I get the ideas, the drawing usually takes care
of itself, and thank God for that. Im guessing I need about seven or nine
more illustration pieces, so Im going to have to finish one every two or
three weeks, so Im going to have to search really hard for good visual ideas.
I just need to search magazines and books for springboards. Phil says he has
faith in me, so that kind of puts me at ease. But now my dad just said Ive
been on the computer for two hours, and that came close to putting me on
edge. I think he just tries to freak me out with the crap he says sometimes,
though. My dad doesnt understand how fragile the creative process is. But I

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suppose thats because he doesnt know much about creativity, simply

because hes not creative. I have trouble getting him to make ends meet with
me in this area. The truth is that because my parents dont truly understand
how powerful talent and creativity are, I dont believe I really have to listen
to them about certain things, and Ill do things the way I want to do things,
not to try to sound like an overly rebellious teenager or anything.

I cant wait to get to drawing, and Im serious this time. I know I dont like
to cut my writing time short, but this time I have to, because my last lesson
with Phil is going to be today. Ill probably practice hands, my portfolio
piece, shading, etc. today. Im starting at 2, so Im going to have to throw
myself off the computer in about 20 minutes. Art school will probably be a
cool place where I can find people who have interests similar to myself. That
should be amazing. 15 minutes left, and then Im done for a couple hours
until I draw for a long time.

Having a laptop is going to be fun. Using the gift God gave me, I think Im
going to do my best to contribute something thats entirely new to the world
of animation and comic books. Master good storytelling and
experimentation, like mixing styles and techniques of previous artist while
throwing my own vision into the mix. I must master the basics, and that
involves reading and writing (constantly), drawing (constantly), studying the
masters of western art and literature, as well as the masters of contemporary
eastern and western art (manga, anime, Disney films, Indie and mainstream
comic books), as well as drawing books. Going to school for art (animation
and cartooning). I also want to take classes on business (for starting my
business and being a producer), philosophy (for my intellect and theories,
and above all to help me understand the world I live in better), photography
(for my visual composition, and to help my filmmaking), creative writing,
and filmmaking (to make films of course). 5 minutes left.

If I want to be a true philosopher, than I have to know the basic pillars that
make up philosophy (and I dont know them yet, to be quite honest. In a way
Im only a pseudo-philosopher). And if I want to understand how to make
my own films, I have to know the technical aspects that go with creating a

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film with cameras, sound, scripts, computers, special effects, as well as

telling a great story.

Maybe I have a tough time getting to drawing because it doesnt involve the
simplification of words on paper. Drawings are received information. You
simply look at them and easily identify what they are. Thats whats fun
about art. Whoops! Times up.

I did a drawing to practice my shading. It turned out awesome!

Just got back from my last lesson. It was amazing. Phil, Kristine and Faith
are all great. Theyre wonderful!! It sounds like Phils real popular at the Art
Institute of Fort Lauderdale. I commemorated my last lesson with Phil by
tape recording it on a recorder, and I just listened to some of the tape after I
got home earlier tonight. During the lesson, Phil had me draw Tarzan and it
turned out great. Phil says I now pretty much know all the basics, and he
seems to be real proud of the level Im at now. He even said we didnt have
to pay for this lesson, and half way through, the pizza they ordered came, me
and Phil took a break in the middle of the drawing to eat pizza and watch a
television special. It was The 100 Greatest Thrillers and Chillers of All Time
or something like that. Phil is surprised that I havent seen all the good
movies. He said theyre wonderful reference for my drawing, with all the
emotions you go through with the characters and all the atmospheres. After
the lesson was over, we all hugged each other and said goodbye. Phil really
loved the email I sent him also. He said it was really well written. I also
found out from Phil that Bill Plympton is one of the biggest stoners youd
ever meet and thats why you should never meet your heroes. Phil and
Kristine know Bill Plympton personally. Our presents to them even brought
Kristine to tears. This has to have been one of the best experiences of my
life. And the really cool thing is that Phil said that Ian (the Australian guy)
and Bob, the two Disney animators were very interested.

I didnt even know Phil won the big student award for his film How the West
Was Won. He showed me the SVA award yesterday. It was very impressive.
It was like a big glass three-dimensional statue with huge copper coins in the

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middle that had the SVA initials. Thats cool. Phil said when they screened
his film in the competition that it was a big event. Everyone in the audience
was packed into a theatre, and there were even some big celebrities there.
Phils class started out with around 35 people, but a lot of people got
frustrated and thought they couldnt do it anymore, so they quit and
eventually the number of students in Phils class got watered down to 3.
That doesnt sound good. Im going to have to adjust to college life when I
go to college. Were going to have to start looking at colleges very, very
soon. From what Kristine told me, its not easy, and to a lot of young people,
art school is unbearable, you dont get much sleep, you have to work really,
really hard, a lot of the dorms are small and run down, and the atmosphere is
hectic. I have to be prepared for these things. I have to find a college where
Im relaxed enough to work. I probably will be paying off loans for a long
time, unless I get a scholarship. I dont think writing a statement letter with
my portfolio will be very hard at all. Christine definitely said the $60,000
she spent on college was a big waste of money and she never truly put it to
use after she graduated. (She graduated in 93 and her parents are still paying
off loans to this day, so what does that tell me?). College isnt the great
relaxing fantasy that it used to seem like to me. Maybe this college is going
to be not stressful and easy philosophy is just arrogance on my part, and it
probably is. Thats why I cant put all my faith in getting big, because that
very rarely happens. Even when Phil graduated SVA and he was the top
student in his class, he couldnt find work for quite a while, and was out of a
job for some time. Thats why they told me I should find something else that
Im good at and do that to try to start off making a living, because I might
need to rely on that to make money. I could always try to write a novel,
work at a bookstore, or something. But Im not sure if that would be able to
pay the bills, pay for my food and still let me be able to live comfortably.
Art school can be torture for some people. It can drain you of your money as
well as energy, and youre never guaranteed to find decent work. Thats the
truth about art school, and lots of young people who havent gone through
the experience dont see that. Maybe I shouldnt completely depend on my
art to make a living, because if I do that, then that might be the reason Id be
in hell and be miserable. Schools like Cal Arts and SVA may seem
prestigious and glamorous on the surface, but in truth, theyre very hard
schools with hectic, crazy atmospheres. And Christine says the film business
is backstabbing and just plain crazy, which doesnt surprise me. Just because
you have talent doesnt automatically mean youre going to become rich and
famous. Some of it is luck. However, if you have talent and a very decent
understanding of the basics, youre most likely not going to have trouble

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finding decent work. Getting hired as a Disney Feature animator involves a

lot of practice and hard work. Phil tells me that its not impossible and that
its attainable.

The teacher also said that I should stick with anatomy and keep drawing
characters, bodies, etc. because he said character animation is whats going
to make me money.

Dont even get me started about starting your own business! Thats by no
means easy, and neither are selling ideas or getting published and making a
lot of money at it. Im going to have to believe Evan Dorkin here. Doing
Indie comics work wont pay the bills. Mainstream work will.

Its very early in the morning, but I figured I might as well get a head start
on my work. Also, perspective is not an easy drawing aspect to learn, by any
means, as Kristine once told me. Im so fortunate to have gotten to work
with a great teacher like Phil. These other teachers, if Im able to work with
them, probably wont be as sympathetic to my laziness. Their time is very
valuable, so I dont want to make them feel like their wasting their time, like
I sometimes did with Phil. Im going to have to work even harder with these
teachers, because if I dont now, Ill definitely regret not working harder,
when the teachers time is valuable and you have a portfolio due in half a
year (this is me).

I definitely want to check out that movie Blade Runner as well as Planet of
the Apes, and countless others.

You know, I do view myself as a deeply spiritual, wise and very

intellectually and creatively fulfilled person, but I cant really see myself as
a role model. Ive made bad decisions just like everyone else, but at least
Im trying to atone for my bad karma. Its true. Adam Yauch from the
Beastie Boys is a role model for me, as is Jerry Seinfeld and Richard Gere,
but thats more for their Buddhism than for their work. I like Seinfelds
writing a lot though. Some of my role models include Ken Wilber, Buddha,

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the Dalai Lama, Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, Martin Luther King Jr.,
Gandhi, and anyone else with high moral or intellectual conduct. A
vegetarian nation would definitely be a constructive one. Not everyone can
be a monk, lama, or nun though. Not everyone can seek a higher spiritual
path and realization. Not everyone can be a genius, either. If our entire
society consisted of geniuses and lamas, overall that would do more harm
than good. We need normal people to have the normal jobs and normal lives
to make the world function normally. The powerful and enlightened are
simply there to inspire, encourage and lead. Its all part of the balance,
equilibrium, or the yin and yang, if you will. I dont know if Ill end up
being one of the leaders. No one can predict that. All I know is that if it turns
out I am one of those people, I need to use my power for the altruistic
benefit of mankind and not simply for personal gain. If I used my power and
money simply for myself, that would not benefit anyone (myself included),
because doing that would most certainly not satisfy me. Im not satisfied just
by having money, power, success, health and fame. Im satisfied when I
know Ive helped and benefited other people. When I help other people, I
feel more at one with other people, and I believe that is hinting at the true
intent and true nature of what the Buddha taught when he was alive. I dont
believe its my place to make American Buddhism spread. I dont believe I
have or ever will have that much of an influence on the world, although I
would certainly want to influence the world in that way. I do believe one
person can re-invent him or her self and/or make a difference. It doesnt
matter what religion we belong to or what our belief system, salary, ethnicity
or anything like that is. What matters is how we affect the world, change it,
and pass onto the rest of this world while were here. Selfish intentions go
hand in hand with shortsightedness, and shortsighted actions contribute to
the possible slow and impending death as well as suffering that may one day
infect all things that are good and wholesome. One person should most
certainly not be blamed by for the suffering of many, which seems to be the
case for Timothy McVeigh. Were all interdependent on each other, so when
many living things suffer, do not hate and blame one out of presumption. If
we choose to blame, we must blame the many, since the truth is that many
are to blame. Also, living will always cause suffering at one point or
another. The body is the root of all suffering after all. People should never
forget that. I seem to be able to unravel the true nature of suffering, but there
are so many other important things to philosophize about that I havent even
touched
What about
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existence?
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are. Man it would be nice to know everything!! But then again, what fun

P a g e | 459

would it be when you automatically have all the answers and dont have to
search for any. That would be like already having a lot of money and not
even having to earn it or work for it. It takes all the fun and challenge out of
it. I suppose the only true genius here is Jean-Paul Sartre. Maybe Im just
wise.

My brother is so driven by worldly desires (sex, money, power, hatred) that

its kind of sad. Hell never truly be happy that way. I have compassion for
him for that reason. Ive tried to guide him away from suffering, but hes too
convinced his way will satiate his wants. Hed be so much happier if he
didnt make his whole life revolve around money and sex, because theyre
like drugs. Theyll only make him want more. I suppose its not my place to
try to convert him though.

Im sick of seeing all these self-indulgent self-proclaimed creative geniuses

on the Internet. There is so much ego and arrogance in these peoples sites.
If you proclaim to the world youre a genius, than theyll think youre full of
egotistical shit, but if you let the world find out for their selves, than that
makes verification all the sweeter. If youre a real creative genius, you dont
need to tell people that. Theyll find it out for themselves. Hey. I might not
even be a genius. I might just be a regular person, but if that were true, than
how would I have come up with all the wonderful and imaginative ideas Ive
come up with. Im not sure. I feel self-indulgent just talking about this.

I just bought two books for myself today. One is The Complete Works of
Nietzsche and the other is one of Lao Tzus most famous books. Very good
for wisdom and understanding Chinese culture. Both of them are
philosophy. Also, earlier today I was looking through a lot of the drawings
Ive done recently and Im very pleased with most of them. Im definitely
showing progress. I think I have a good understanding of the basics. Now I
just need to draw more whole pictures that tell a story and full body
character drawings that have cloth, weight, shading, balance and everything.
When constructing a drawing, always start with the line of action and then
draw the biggest shapes first. Man Ive written a lot today! Four pages in one
day. Writing just kind of comes naturally to me now. I think Im having a
better understanding of the theory behind syntax.

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Im definitely planning on drawing tomorrow, and hopefully theyll turn out

very decent. I dont have much doubt about the qualities of my drawings
anymore, so Im not worried about that. Im going to be going back into my
people-sketching phase very soon. Now is the time to do tons and tons of
gesture drawings, among other things. Im still waiting to see how the whole
Ian White animation lesson thing will turn out. I cant stop thinking about
how good these past two days have been. Theyve been fantastic. Maybe Ill
even draw tonight, but theres no guarantee on that one.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 32

P a g e | 462

June 2001

Well, yesterday, I wrote in my journal (a lot), drew some (I surprised myself

with that one), and even read my 17th journal file. Im going to read my 18th
one today. I think meditation and vegetarianism are two of the most
beneficial moral and health related human practices. I would include deity
praying, but theres no universal and real proof that its effective.

Now I have a lot of books that contain wisdom, other than Johnny the
Homicidal Maniac, mostly on eastern religion, philosophy and thought. I
have The Art of Happiness by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C.
Cutler, One Taste by Ken Wilber (which involves worldly spirituality and
philosophy), The Idiots Guide to Meditation, Awakening the Buddha Within
by Lama Surya Das, Te-Tao Ching by Lao-Tzu, and Soul Mountain by Gao
Xingjian. I also plan to get many more books on philosophy and eastern
thought. I also want to get more books written specifically by the Dalai
Lama, more ones by Lao-Tzu, books about Buddha (but not necessarily
Buddhism, per say), books on Gandhi, Talks With Sri Ramana Maharshi,
Buddhism Without Beliefs, and Watching the Tree by Adeline Yen Mah, The
Idiots guide to Eastern Philosophy, and the Idiots Guide to Zen Living. I
want to get more books on Western art, philosophy and literature also. My
goal is to understand the wisdom of the east, as well as the sensibility,
pragmatics, and intelligence of the west, and combine the two into one big
whole, hopefully creating something entirely innovative and new. But this is
way after my spirituality progresses for many years and I know the crafts of
writing, drawing, and creativity very, very well. Despite having this much
knowledge, I dont really expect or want to be treated like a genius. I need to
learn to accept things as they are, thus reducing my level of discontent.

Ignorance is not bliss. True bliss involves a great and cosmic transpersonal
awakening. So I guess the people that think that anyone who reaches
Nirvana is pretty stupid are misguided themselves, which is revealed by their
presumption. Thats most certainly a fallacy, if I ever heard one. That and
superficial attitudes. Talking about a Buddhists sex life is very disrespectful.
Actually, talking vulgarly about anyones sex life is disrespectful.

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Im definitely looking forward to drawing today. Im good at drawing. I

have a talent for that sort of thing, so why not keep practicing? See, there is
no reason why I should not keep practicing drawing when Im skilled at it. I
also need to do more full body drawings. Maybe Ill do some of those today.
Maybe if I end up going to lessons with Ian, Ill be able to go into really
complex color drawings with him, working in mediums such as pastels,
watercolors, charcoal, regular paint, ink, and colored pencils. I have to learn
anatomy, perspective, foreshortening, and composition very well first, even
though I already understand them somewhat.

Maybe I should stop writing since I cant seem to think of anything new to
write about right now. Or maybe I should just read.

Well, I drew some today. I also helped dad cut some of the bushes. That was
fun, kind of. I sound stupid right now.

I was just thinking; maybe if some people like certain comics then theyd
like mine. Like if you like Jim Mahfood, Kevin Smith, Evan Dorkin, Jhonen
Vasquez, Frank Cho, Roman Dirge, Jeff Smith, Judd Winick, Andi Watson,
Chuck Jones, Bruce Timm, Glenn Keane, Daniel Clowes, Robert Crumb, or
Terry Moore, maybe youll like my stuff, even though its nothing like any
of their stuff. I try not to make my crap too much like anyone elses stuff.
Maybe Ill get a lot of fan letters. Roman Dirge gets somewhere around
hundreds every week. In my professional life I want to stay very busy. I
would like to work on many projects. I must remember that if a lot of people
praise you, it can be very easy to develop arrogance. I dont want to develop
arrogance or an ego. Easier said than done. When I have people praising
every single piece of work I produce, even when its crap that can quite
possibly give me a false perception of my own true ability. Therere two
things you should never do. Never meet your heroes and never believe the
hype surrounding you. Some people may think my works a lot better than I
think it is and that its better than it actually is.

I drew a picture of someone like myself yesterday, and it turned out very
good. I would like to use that version of me in my comic books, if I end up

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making comic books, and Im talking about the indie type. I will draw more
today. Maybe I should call up Tony and bug him to work on my website
some more. Im proud to say that I have formal training in drawing and art.
Life drawing, layout, perspective, painting, sequential art. You name it and I
want to learn it. I dont want to be trapped in one style. That seems to
happen to a lot of artists, especially the underground ones. I read half of that
Lao Tzu Te-Tao Ching book in practically less than an hour last night, right
before I went to bed. The part that talks about The Way. Thats not really
impressive though, because its a rather small book, and a lot of pages arent
even filled up with words all the way. There are definitely some sayings in
that book I want to make photocopies of and hang on my wall for
inspiration. My spiritual and philosophical question is Why seek to assume
the dependence of a higher power when our inner power has been lying
there within all of us our entire lives all along? Buddha was not a
supernatural God. He started out a normal person, found enlightenment, and
became a sage. When were one with ourselves, its easier to be one with all
other things. Perhaps that is the way of the Tao. I dont like the idea of being
overly preachy, though. I think the more successful I become, the more I
need to meditate to keep myself from developing arrogance. Four of my
favorite philosophers are Nietzsche, Ken Wilber, Lao Tzu, and Jean-Paul
Sartre. Voltaire and Schopenhauer are good also. Non-philosopher type wise
people that I like include Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Albert Einstein,
Richard Dawkins, and the Dalai Lama. My favorite dead painters and artists
include Leonardo Da Vinci, Pablo Picasso, Gustav Klimt, Edgar Degas,
Vincent Van Gogh, and Norman Rockwell. For comic books, its Robert
Crumb, John Buscema, Will Eisner, Hiroaki Samura (Blade of the
Immortal), Yoshitaka Amano, Jeff Smith, Terry Moore, Scott McCloud, the
guy that does Neon Genesis Evangelean, Frank Cho, Jhonen Vasquez, Tim
Burton and Bruce Timm (even though theyre not really comic book artists),
Burn Hogarth, Stan Lee, Evan Dorkin, Judd Winick, Jim Mahfood, Warren
Ellis, Alan Moore, Brian Michael Bendis, Neil Gaiman, Yoshitoshi ABe,
Kosuke Fujishima, and Katsuhiro Otomo. I should draw some of these
creators characters for practice. Talking about all these great artists makes
me want to hit the drawing table once again.

Ive spent too much time on these online message boards. Ive been to a
bunch of different ones, and I just posted two on the world famous Insight
Studios Group message board, completely making a fool of this jerk named
Peter Weaver who kept insulting Frank Cho, Franks fans, and Franks

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ability. I just had to tell this guy off, and tell him off I did! Ive seen a lot of
different message boards. Ive seen the message boards of Insight Studios
Group, Spookyland.com, Jinxworld.com, Slave Labor Graphics,
Onipress.com, and 40ozcomics.com. These websites get tons upon tons of
hits. Id bet a lot of money that guys like Frank Cho, Brian Michael Bendis,
Roman Dirge, Jhonen Vasquez, and Evan Dorkin get hundreds upon
hundreds of letters each week, as well as hundreds of emails each week as
well. Damn, if I make a best selling popular comic book, I guess Id get lots
of snail mail and email as well. Thats what happens when youre famous
and your artwork and writing are published internationally. With all the fanmail, and convention signings, how much time does that leave a creator to
actually work on their creative work? I didnt draw today, which sucks, but I
am going to draw tomorrow most likely. Im not doing myself a favor when
I dont draw. Im not doing anyone a favor. People might actually enjoy my
artwork when it reaches the general public. I read the other half of the Lao
Tzu Tao book today though.

Jeez! Just what did I do today? What exactly did I spend all day doing? I
read today and I surfed the Internet, and ate left over hamburgers for dinner.
I also watched my ZIM tapes, which I enjoy immensely. I also did research
on submitting comic books to companies. I printed out the submissions
guidelines for companies I might be interested in submitting projects to. The
ones I have in mind include Slave Labor Graphics, Fantagraphics, Caliber
Comics (although right now theyre not accepting submissions), and Dark
Horse Comics. When my work reaches its zenith, and when it transcends its
zenith to reach new zeniths, THEN Ill consider submitting. I dont think
Im ready just yet. Besides, I want to go to art school and into animation first
anyway. I already know the basics of drawing, and I understand what in my
opinion makes good writing, so in a way Im already ahead of the game.
Jeez again! These last couple days have passed by very, very quickly. In the
time Ive wasted slacking off on my portfolio, Ive gotten other valuable
information. Ive gotten to see what other kind of stuff is out there. Ive seen
another persons art school portfolio (it sucked) and someone elses comic
series idea that they were trying to submit to Slave Labor Graphics, titled
Damn Nation, and that comic was horrendous, hands down. Just plain awful!
My suggestion to that artist (I think his names Mike, and he posts on the
SLG message boards quite a bit) and question for him would be just what
the hell would ever convince him that that comic he worked on is
anywhere even remotely near the level of quality suitable for publication.

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Entire comic book pages looked like poorly drawn napkin doodles. No
composition, no decent storytelling. Many of his panels look exactly the
same. Yet he has a whole website devoted to his creative work, if thats
what you want to call it. I call it shit. And he obviously wants to be very
respected and famous, but is not willing to truly work for it. On many pages,
I couldnt even tell what the hell was going on. I kind of feel sorry for the
guy if hes duped himself into thinking that that piece of crap is a good
comic book. Hes probably a good guy, but his comic book idea has nothing
of substance or worth whatsoever. No company in their right mind would
publish anything that bad. And I thought Roman Dirges stuff was poorly
drawn. He makes Roman Dirge look like Will Eisner or Yoshitaka Amano.

I would love to have my own production company and/or my own

commercial website for promotion of my comic book, novel, television,
illustration, or film work. Good examples of these things are 40oz Comics,
View Askew Productions, Spookyland, Jinx World, Insight Studios Group,
BarryWeen.com, House of Fun, and AndiWatson.com. These are all world
famous companies and websites that are all very cool websites to visit.

One of the people on the message board (a woman from Norway) thanked
me for my post on the Insight Studios Group message board, saying that
they were posts inspired by Peters obvious condition, saying I rocked and
made her day, and yes I agree, that dude definitely has a condition. That felt
rewarding. After the Peter Weaver incident and my posts attacking Peter
Weaver and defending Frank Cho, everyone who wasnt there when I posted
has been saying that they missed a lot of stuff or missed all the action. Hells
yeah!! Maybe Ill post again pretty soon.

Oi Vay. I need to spend a lot less time in message boards and more time
drawing, getting my portfolio together. I need to finish my current piece in
less than a week and a half, if that. Ive fallen behind big time on my
drawing.

Ive posted a lot of messages on message boards. Sometimes I post just to

stir things up. Now Im hooked on message boards!! I need to go back to

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philosophizing, drawing for my portfolio and writing in this journal, rather

than wasting my time babbling away with nonsense on message boards. I
post quite often on the Brian Michael Bendis message board now.

Im going to draw today, definitely, but right now Im listening to a new CD

I bought a couple days ago. Sarah Harmers You Were Here album. I need to
stop checking on these Internet message boards so much, even though Im
humorous in some of them. During the past three or so days, Ive done
barely any journal writing, and the journal writing I have done is mainly
about the message boards. Damn. Im wasting my time. Must concentrate.
Must concentrate. Must not check on message board every two seconds.
Focus man, focus!!!! Maybe I should meditate. Yes, I think Ill do that. I
would like to expound upon topics such as God, spirituality, the Tao,
Buddhism, the meaning of life, compassion, and other thoughts and
questions like these.

Well, I seem to be in luck. I think Ive made my first contact with the
industry! It all started a few days ago when I sent an email to Jamie S. Rich,
the editor of Oni Press, asking him questions, Ive told him Im an aspiring
writer/artist/creator, and the advice he gave me to get a job at a place like
Oni was to work my ass off, which Im going to do very soon, if not today.
And get your stuff out there by doing min-comics and web comics, etc. He
also said that if I catch the right editor on the right day and Im gold, but
catch him on a bad morning after too much partying and Im screwed (with a
little smiley face next to it.) I cant wait to meet Jamie at a convention and
show him my future portfolio for critique, and maybe if Im lucky hell ask
me to send more of my stuff into the Oni offices, but this isnt until a long
way off, after the whole animation shtick. I think that for the talent plateau
Im at, I shouldnt have too hard of a time getting published, unless Im too
devoted to one character or one series, which Im not. Im going to have to
attend some future conventions to show my portfolio of sequential art to
editors of publishing companies, shake some hands, make some face time
happen, promote my work as well as myself and make some contacts with
people in the industry. I have to get my work out there somewhere.
Well, I just went to Burger King and Borders. I bought junk food and two
books containing wisdom by the Dalai Lama.

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So what am I into now, at the later months of my seventeenth year in

existence? Lately, Ive been spending a lot of time in many different online
forums, or message boards (Oni Press, Brian Michael Bendis, Slave Labor
Graphics, Insight Studios) spewing humor and creativity wherever I can and
getting input from people. I write in this journal a lot expounding upon my
personal intellect and philosophy as well as talking about my dreams and
life. Im at the drawing table and realizing that I have some true talent in the
world of art, trying very hard to get a killer portfolio together in less than six
months to present to different art colleges. Ive been sending emails back
and forth to Jamie S. Rich trying to get him to answer questions about the
industry. Just recently Ive started practicing Buddhism (learning about
Taoism, and eastern wisdom as well) and finding my true spiritual
awakening to reach a truly spiritual zenith, as well as studying drawing and
philosophy. Im collaborating with Tony on a personal website of mine
thats still under construction. Ive also come up with multiple ideas for
different comic book and animated series. I was taking animation lessons
with my teacher, who has encouraged me and challenged me (what more
could I ask from the guy, with the exception of money?). Im also
considering a possible short film collaboration project with Stephen H,
which would definitely be good practice for my possible future career in
filmmaking, which I need to do soon, otherwise it wont happen. That
should be fun. Other than all these things, Im going to be taking a lifedrawing class at Crealde in about a week from now. So what am I into? For
music, right now I like Mozart, Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer, Pizzicato
Five, Kornelius, Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails, the Beatles, Moby, Phil
Collins and Elvis Costello, and thats just to name some. For movies, I like
Akira, The Sixth Sense, Clerks, Dogma and other Kevin Smith Movies,
Robert Zemeckis films, Disney Films, Spielberg films, Stanley Kubrick
films, Pulp Fiction, Tom Hanks movies, John Woos Face Off, Ghost In the
Shell, Ninja Scroll, and some others. For comics, I like Oni, SLG, Manga
(especially the Dark Horse kind), Brian Michael Bendis, Alan Moore, Neil
Gaiman, Robert Crumb, Will Eisner, Jhonen Vasquez, Chynna ClugstonMajor, Jim Mahfood, Evan Dorkin, Strangers in Paradise, Liberty
Meadows, literary books, and various others. For literature I like Nietzsche,
Stephen King, Ken Wilber, and the Harry Potter series, among others. For
TV, I like Frazier, The X-Files, Malcolm in the Middle, Ally McBeal,
Invader ZIM, and Seinfeld. For fine art, I like Gustav Klimt, Norman
Rockwell, Edgar Degas, Leonardo Da Vinci, Yoshitaka Amano, Burne
Hogarth, and Vincent Van Gogh. And this is just for when Im 17, but it

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applies to other years of my life as well. Writing novels and comic books
should be a lot of fun also.

Im beginning to get tired, but Im going to keep drawing, so that hopefully

if I spend a lot of time drawing now, Ill be able to work my ass off drawing
tomorrow, like its an actual work day!!! I know I can do it, just like
anyone else if they set their mind to it. Ive always been able to in the past,
so why not now or in the near future? This is no time to be slacking off. This
is the worst possible time to be slacking. I need to find some way to get
myself the hell away from the computer. I dont know how right now, but I
have to do it somehow.

Now I think Im more familiar with the type of comic books Dark Horse
publishes. Titles like Hellboy, Concrete, Sin City, Flaming Carrot, Barbed
Wire, and the Mask. (Their manga titles include Akira, Oh My Goddess!,
Blade of the Immortal, Dirty Pair, Drakuun, and Gunsmith Cats). Some
other popular comics (but Im not sure who published them) are Usagi
Yojimbo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Lobo, and Madman. Other famous
comics include SIP, Bone, Cerebus, Liberty Meadows, Powers, Spawn, the
Maxx, the Sandman, Transmetropolitan, and Watchmen.

Some of the more well known independent companies include Caliber

Comics, Antarctic Press, Dark Horse Comics, Image Comics, Kitchen Sink
Press, Sirius Entertainment, Oni Press, and Slave Labor Graphics.

I drew more than usual today. Hell yeah!! I should do that everyday. I
havent meditated in a while. I should also get back to doing that more often.
God I dont know what to do. I hope I get into Cal Arts or SVA, but Im not
sure if I will. Im not sure if Im ready to live by myself in New York or
California, for God sakes. Those places are so big and mysterious to me
right now. I hope Im able to handle it if it happens. Id rather live by myself
in California than New York. I think if I live really near the college in a
dorm room, than itll be okay. Im scared. Scared about some aspects of
living alone and scared of driving. Im so used to living with my family in
Florida. Living by myself in California would probably be such a culture

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shock to me! I hope I can handle it. Please God let me be able to handle it!
And if and when Im living in California, while Im going to school and
doing my best to pay attention in class, at my room I have to be at the
drawing desk for grueling hours a day to meet class deadlines (sometimes
staying up to finish work), socialize with the other students, have a life,
drive here and there, work at my day job (if I have one) at a store
somewhere. And this isnt counting computer time or time spent at
conventions and with possible friends. College is not easy. Im sure Ill have
to take a lot of painting and life drawing classes. After I graduate, I try to
find work in animation, actually work in animation for a while, and then try
to get myself discovered in the world of comic books. After that I might
practice homemade filmmaking and go to film school. And Im sure Ill
keep meditating and writing in my journal on a laptop when Im in college. I
must keep my peace of mind. Must keep sanity, even when completely alone
for long periods of time. I hope to God I have other creative people for
company. I have to fill that void that being without my family for four years
will leave me with. I hope I have a life in college. I think if I can learn to
drive, cook, pay taxes, work computers, buy a car and pay for a house, Ill
be alright. I have to find a steady income to pay my bills. No more slacking
off from now on. I have to work hard for the next couple of years. I worked
hard today (drew, went to job, wrote), so Im off to a good start. I need to get
some sleep pretty soon. There are two things I need in order to survive from
now on. Work and money. Drawing is work. Everything else, at this moment
in time, is secondary on the scale of importance.

I would like to write about something interesting, but I seem stumped in the
area of topics. Fame, money, sex and power no longer interest me like they
used to, and things have been this way for a while now. I dont know if
respect interests me. Im definitely going to draw today, and very soon from
now as a matter of fact. By the way, if I think a lot of people tell me Im
Hispanic and ask what ethnic group I belong to now, I should wait until
about 10 or 20 years from now when (and if) Im famous. Man, that would
have to get annoying to answer that question after a while. I just have to pray
that my birth parents havent sealed their records. I can always say that Im
an American, because I was born in America (Ann Arbor, Michigan, to be
more specific). Florida is where I grew up. I honestly dont see what the big
deal about race and money is. I dont view them as important. What matters
is that youre a compassionate person of worth. Id rather be a person of
worth than a person of power and importance. I must also remember that

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there are also indie comic book conventions. There are the Alternative Press
Expo and the Small Press Expo, both in California, Im assuming. Other
conventions include the Comic Con International in San Diego, Wizard
World, and Mega Con in my home state of Florida, among many, many
others. Once I get published, I have to go to different conventions across the
country to sell my books and promote my work (and possibly myself), sign
things for people, talk to fans, answer questions, maybe participate in panel
discussions, and maybe do quite a few sketches for people. All that should
be a bit of fun. I think Ill enjoy having that type of a job. If I do signings
and promotions, I dont think Ill charge people for signatures or sketches
for that matter. I dont want to make money THAT badly.

To be honest, Id rather be a spiritual leader than an entertainment celebrity.

Maybe it would turn out that Id be a leader one day, but Ill never view
myself that way. I view myself as more one with the people. Id rather not
command people to do things. I think Im going to go meditate soon. I need
to re-establish my spiritual plateau.

There are three things I never want to lose. They are humility, modesty and
altruism. If I make $10 million or $20 million, then I will easily give $1
million, $500,000 away to charity and my family. Whats the point of having
that much money and spending it all on your self? What good does that do?
Sure Id be able to live comfortable, but I wouldnt be as happy unless I got
to help other people and alleviate their suffering. Id be happier if I were to
lesson the suffering of people other than myself, even if at a certain point I
have to suffer myself. That is the true nature of the Buddha after all. Love
thy neighbor, even if youre not a Christian, feel compassion, take refuge in
the Buddha. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Im more satisfied
by being repaid in kindness than being repaid in money, and I am serious
here. I am opposed to eating meat and relying on drinking alcohol. I dont
know if Im a pill popper. Perhaps I do that on occasion to mellow out so I
can not care as much when I get to drawing (thus making myself sound like
a hypocrite), but Im opposed to smoking anything and alcoholism. Ive
never smoked anything (never will), and Ive never been addicted to alcohol,
even though I experimented a little bit with alcohol (zinfandel) when I was
15 or 16. No ones perfect though. I have some bad karma hanging over my
head. Consider this though. Buddha started out as just another person, but
attained enlightenment after realizing the four noble truths, and Ken Wilber

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drank quite a bit of alcohol when he was a teenager, yet hes attained a
higher zenith of spiritual realization, which is why I look up to him so much,
and hes such an influence on my writing. Stephen King also had many drug
problems, but his storytelling and syntax are very clear and hes a
storytelling genius.

Got back from work not too long ago. Some guy from the Brian Michael
Bendis message board approached me about collaboration on a comic book
project. I declined, telling him that I dont think Im ready for collaboration
just yet. I also said I dont think my stuff is all that good, which was a lie. I
dont think Im ready for collaboration yet though. I havent even gone to art
school yet, and my composition and background skills suck right now.

What can I say? Im happy. I enjoy the ease of existence. Thats all there is
to it. I could explain to people what methods I use to attain happiness, but
many probably would not want to listen. I am okay with that.

I have observed something, though. One factor thats made me unhappy in

the past, is when I dont have certain thing in my life, I dont even realize
that Im missing out on something until the lack of that certain thing is thrust
directly in my face by some exterior force, thus creating a realization of
absence, and that realization has often in the past led to self-created suffering
out of desire for the thing that Im missing. I handle these kinds of things
differently now, because I cherish the things I already have more than the
things Im missing. How can I cherish the things I dont have when I dont
even know what its like to have them. I assume that its a good feeling to
have those things, so I then assume Im lacking good things in my life and
that presumptuous sadness makes me sad and I suffer. Fortunately Ive just
been able to identify this problem, and can better learn to combat it. After
all, how can someone know what its like to have something until they
actually have it? For most things, the truth is that you cant. No one knows
what its actually like to own a million dollars until they actually own a
million dollars. I can assume and guess what its like, but thats not the same
as the real thing. Assumptive being is not the same as tangible being.

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Also, in Ken Wilbers One Taste, I like his commentary about development
and regression. Because he wrote, Because in virtually all types of
development that we are aware of, each stage transcends but includes its
predecessor(s). This applies to a lot of things. Technology, evolution,
science, society, art, literature, music, entertainment, etc.

Heres something about my possible success. Theres one thing Ive always
kept in mind. If I didnt have the hunch that I have what it takes, I wouldnt
ever be considering taking such big chances. Abandoning my own family for
four laborious years? Why the hell would I do that if it werent for following
my heart? Have I really thought about what Im getting myself into?!?! Well
I have now. I should definitely do a lot of praying and contemplating. Who
knows? Maybe Ill accomplish my goals, realize my dreams, and be some
kind of a success story role model for aspiring creative people everywhere
across the world. That would be a pleasant surprise. I think either chapter 1
or 2 of my life will be coming to a close shortly in a couple months, after I
graduate high school.

You know, its weird when I do my creative work. When Im writing on this
computer, the chair, keyboard, and words on the screen kind of become an
extension of me. When Im drawing, the pencil, paper, and especially the
pictures I create become yet another extension of my personality and myself.
Its amazing and weird all at the same time. In a way, all the work I do is
personal and has a personal touch to it, which is very cool. My work is a part
of me. Zounds and Nathan are both part of me. Ill never forget those
characters.

Well, this one guy, John Greiner, on the BMB message board called a lot of
artists that want to do comics wannabes talking shit everywhere. His
advice to people is just do it. He says if you want to make comic books,
then stop talking about comic books and actually make a comic book. At
first after reading his harsh words, I assumed he was just a bitter asshole, but
after I read his interview on this one website, I could kind of see where he
was coming from. He took a comic book class and he made a comic book
for a school project. His teacher told him that in the thirteen years he had
been teaching, all the students talked about making comics and wanted to

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make comics, but no one actually made a comic. So I think that will be one
of my goals while Im in college. To actually make a real 11 x 17 comic
book issue, 16 to 23 pages, or even more. Script, thumbnails, layouts,
pencils, lettering, and possibly even inking and coloring. EVERYTHING!
This includes positive and negative space, anatomy, clothing, scenery, and
other such things. I want to get to a point where I can make comics better
than a lot of people, but I can only do that by starting to make a comic books
and actually making a comic book. Im not ready to start yet. I have a lot
more sketching to do and a damn good portfolio to finish. I may even work
on my latest piece today, but if I dont, then Ill draw other things and try to
get more ideas for pieces. Getting into either the animation or comic book
industry, getting work that youre paid for, and mastering your craft takes a
lot of time as well as hard work. Its not easy by any means. Ive just been
lucky to have some decent instruction early on. Since Im not currently
receiving any instruction, I need to spot my own mistakes, realize what I did
wrong, and correct them. I have to realize my first true effort at a
professional comic book, first novel, first film, and first venture in animation
are going to suck at first, but thats okay. That happens to everyone. Im not
alone in my dungeon of suckiness. You dont start out at the top. It takes
time. You learn from experience, fail, get up, fail again, get up again, and
keep persevering until you get to a comfortable level. Theres no such thing
as perfection. Im always improving and am constantly pointing out things
Id like to change about my work, even in the best of my work. Some artists
are satisfied with just being at a mediocre level. Im not. I want to transcend
my previous creative skill levels. I can always get better. How else would
Norman Rockwell, Glen Keane, Walt Disney, Chuck Jones, Will Eisner,
Burne Hogarth, Stephen King, Alan Moore, Brian Michael Bendis, Neil
Gaiman, Katsuhiro Otomo, Vincent Van Gogh, and Da Vinci have gotten to
the plateaus that they are and were at. If I find strong areas in my work, I
need to realize that theyre my strong areas, leave them be for now, and
concentrate on my weak areas.

Now about influences: I want to check out a lot more stuff by Paul Pope,
Moebius, and Vaughn Bode. As for current new influences on my artwork,
they include Gustav Klimt (for his amazing use of paint, curves, irregular
shapes and stylized anatomy), Edgar Degas) for his rough simplicity and
extreme realistic anatomy), Yoshitoshi ABe (Serial Experiment Lain),
Hiroaki Samura (Blade of the Immortal: for his downright skill,
composition, draftsmanship and amazing storytelling ability), Yoshiyuki

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Sadamoto (Neon Genesis Evangelion), David Mack (Kabuki), and Yoshitaka

Amano. This is just the beginning of the list. I havent even mentioned my
old influences, such as Mahfood, Evan Dorkin, Chynna Clugston-Major,
Jhonen Vasquez, John Kricfalusi, Robert Crumb, Marc Hempel, Frank Cho,
and Bruce Timm. The Ghost in the Shell feature film and Akira (both in
comic book and film format) are two of my favorites as well. The Gundam
Wing anime is awesome also. Two artists I think produce good drawings
every once in a while, but overall are hacks are Roman Dirge (Lenore) and
Michael Avon Oeming (Powers). They have no real sense of anatomy,
draftsmanship, or composition. Oeming can use positive and negative space
well, but other than that its all surface. Mostly it has no real substance.

This is good. I saw this one girls comic on the Internet, whos aspiring to
get into comics (or maybe has already worked in comics). Ive given some
people advice on message boards. I gave this one girl in the Frank Cho
message board advice on drawing and choosing art colleges. I also gave this
other person advice on whether or not he should use gray tones on his
artwork or keep it black and white. My answer to people for things like this
is usually that it depends on the circumstance. I also gave a short critique of
this one guys work. He called himself Hack. I try to give positive advice to
people, even if their work is horrible or doesnt hold up to industry
standards, but look at me, pretending to be a big bad industry professional.
When it comes to art and storytelling, I do kind of know what Im talking
about. Telling a great story well involves a lot of very hard work, especially
for detailed stuff.

Oh man! California has all the good stuff. Cal Arts, the Alternative Press
Expo, the Small Press Expo, Disney Feature Animation studios and
countless others, and of course the San Diego Comic Con International. The
San Diego Comic Con sounds so amazing. Where else am I going to find so
many of my favorite writers, artists, and creators lined up in a row. This
years special guests include Brian Michael Bendis, John Buscema, Frank
Cho, Will Eisner, Sam Kieth, Jeff Smith, Kevin Smith, Jhonen Vasquez, and
Judd Winick!!! All amazing talents. All people Id love to meet, talk to, and
get an autograph from one day. Maybe I will. I never knew Bone was
published in 13 different countries.

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Ive wreaked some havoc on some forums so far. Ive impersonated this one
guy in one message board. Man that was funny. Uncompassionate, but funny
nonetheless. I feel like the radio talk show host Phil Hendry, who makes up
his own callers. I verbally attacked the over critical Peter Weaver on the
Insight Studios Group board, posted nonsense as Spam and other characters
on the Brian Michael Bendis board, and Im the infamous gnome child on
the Slave Labor Graphics message board, in the Crazy Babblings and Other
Nonsense section. The work of a deranged mastermind, if I do say so
myself. Ive also critiqued others artwork, as Ive already said. See, so the
Internet does have some useful uses after all.

Well, time to get back to working on that portfolio piece today. Im excited
to get back to working hard on it again.

Also when I went to the comic book store, I bought some comic books. The
ones I bought included Mike Mignolas Hellboy, Paul Popes Heavy Liquid,
and a Dark Horse Maverick 2000 anthology issue, which includes short
stories by Frank Miller, Paul Chadwick, and Stan Sakai. My new influences
include Paul Pope (for his genius ability to just run wild with it, and his
vivid imagination), Paul Chadwick (for his skill and draftsmanship), Mike
Mignola (for his ability to place black masses and shadows, like Michael
Avon Oeming), and Frank Miller (for his amazing skill at experimenting in
positive and negative space. His black and white work is the best). Theres
something to be learned from every good artist and every criticism that you
receive.

Im taking my first life drawing class today. That should be interesting.

Jack Lemmon died today. Thats pretty sad. The old actor from Grumpy Old
Men. He was loved by a lot of people, so that make his passing all the more
sad.

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Well, I just got back not too long ago from my first life drawing class. I tried
hard, and got frustrated, but that just inspired me to try harder and go back
for the next class. The class wasnt super crowded. It had about ten people or
so. The first hour, the teacher went over example drawings of gestures and
works from the great masters with a slide projector with the lights off,
teaching us about the basics (such as weight, line quality, line weight, form,
construction, composition, rendering which means adding details to make
the figure look more three dimensional, positive and negative space,
proportions, and other things) and showed us how the masters utilized the
basics and some of them left out certain elements but focused on others to
create a certain effect (like how one artist only drew the face and hands of a
person, because the hands gave an extra emphasis on the emotion of the
person in the drawing and what the person in the drawing was expressing)
plus, she showed us two cool and useful ways to measure proportions. One
involves a sting, for checking alignment, and our own pencil, for measuring
space. She also said to be sure to view the space around the positive contour
space as a shape too.

When I first got there, quite a few of the people that were there for the class
almost went home, because we were all misinformed that there might not
have been an anatomy class today, but the instructor came out and said the
class was still on. It was in building 1A. Confusing!! Anyways I got a lot out
of the class, and my drawing actually turned out half decent. This was a
miracle, considering the room felt overheated so I was sweating, I was
nervous because I wasnt used to having a naked lady to stare at me right
there in front of me (who I was not having sex with: Im a virgin by the
way), I had to draw in front of other people, I was short on supplies so I had
to use someone elses pencil, and that pencil became soft, so I had to press
down extra hard on the paper. Taking all these things into consideration, the
event went better than expected. We only got to do about one drawing, but it
was a huge one. We have to use huge paper and charcoal for this class, and
draw the figure to fill up the whole page, which is something Im definitely
going to work on doing in the next couple of days when Im not working.
My drawing turned out just all right. I forgot some crucial basics, but gimme
a break. I was nervous. It was my first time in a situation like this. Ill just
have to learn from this experience. Theres even a homework assignment, if
I a students wants to do it. We have to do a frontal view of a skeleton, spend
an hour or a couple hours on it. We have to draw one half sketchy and under
rendered, and we render the other side, probably the left side. This class has

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inspired me to practice a lot more, for an hour or more a day, and to take up
a whole page with a single figure when I draw, or at least to do that some of
the time. Also, Im not going to get a lot better at drawing and become a
master just by sitting here and typing on this computer. I want to get into
painting and drawing cloth a lot more in the future. I dont know if that
would be the distant or not-to-distant future, though.

Last night, after I was done thinking about my life drawing class I got home,
I laid down on my bed and while I was reading the printed papers with
writing on them, I noticed that there was a cockroach crawling around on the
left side of my room. It scared the shit out of me. Fortunately dad and I
drove it out of hiding, and dad sprayed it with roach spray, and then
squashed it with one of my sandals. I was hoping Id never find another
cockroach in my room, especially around now when all those papers are
lying on the floor for them to hide under. I remember one time I found a big
spider crawling near my drum set one time, but other than that, fortunately
my room hasnt had too many bug problems. I really despise cockroaches,
ants and spiders, though. Those things creep me out. Im not much of a
creepy crawling thing type of person. Theres a lot of cool stuff that I can do.
I can write occasionally decent things in my journal, drawing things out of
books and from my imagination on my sketchpads and drawing table when
Im not taking life drawing classes or possibly going to my future lessons,
watch my videos or Ghost In the Shell DVD which is amazing, play
Playstation with Final Fantasy, Crash Bandicoot, or Resident Evil 2, I can
read through my rather large collection of comic books, read my book
books, listen to any of my many CDs, surf the Internet (look at my website
of post messages in forums), play guitar or drums, pray, meditate for thirty
minutes or so, or even look through all the very nice art books that I have.
This is good. Ill never run out of things to do.

I drew earlier today. I might draw some more before I have to go to work
today. Must remember to do full page life drawings on big pages. My
drawings in the past have been too small and simplistic. My drawing ability
now has a good thought process behind it, but my drawings from actual life
seem too stiff and rigid to me right now. They need that relaxation, that soul
and that looseness, especially when I draw real life thing in front of other
people. From what my teacher, Rima Jabbur (pronounced juh-bar), said,
theres no right or wrong way to draw. In my opinion, there is only the

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natural way. For example, the gesture drawings Rima showed us on the slide
projector were a lot different and more rendered than the ones I saw in the
Kimone Nicholaides book, The Natural Way to Draw. She showed us some
Degas drawings, and I got so excited because I love Degas. Hes one of my
favorites. The only thing you have to do a certain way about drawing is be
able to know the basics. Phil says I can draw better than he could at my age,
and I believe him on this. The only thing is that I think at my age, he
practiced a lot more than I do now, or a couple months ago. I think Im
having the most trouble with perspective, anatomy, balance and proportions.
I look through some of my indie comics and watch some cartoons, this time
primarily to observe the writing, and what I find is kind of sad. What Ive
found is a bunch of writers who dont know how to tell great (and
sometimes not even good stories). No universal topics, no profound
statements, no subplots, no plot twists. Nothing interesting. All the things I
admire and love about storytelling are not there. In these things, the
sequence of events begins, continues for a little bit, and then ends in an
uninteresting and unimaginative fashion. How do I put this politely?
Its.Well its. Its BORING!! Why is someone going to want to read
stories written that way? When I say bland storytelling, Im talking about
comics like Gloom Cookie, the Waiting Place, and Little Gloomy, as well as
that Courage the Cowardly Dog cartoon. Now there are some exceptions
that tell wonderful stories. There are some exceptions, and the same type of
statement can be made about art.

In message boards, Ive gotten responses, and sometimes email replies from
world famous comic book people, like Brian Michael Bendis (talking to me
about Weezer), Frank Cho (about college), Jamie S. Rich (about getting
published as a creator) and Evan Dorkin (about Jim Mahfood).

In my opinion, I think that social opinion that says you have to be a member
of a certain group to understand that certain group (i.e. to understand men,
women, gays, children, blacks, Hispanics, old people, the handicapped,
Asian people, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, or Indian people, you
have to be a member of that specific group). As a matter of fact, aside from
the difference in the way women and men get aroused and the fact that men
are much more physical than women, I dont think theres that much or very
much of a difference between men and women. Women get horny too. The
way we think and act isnt all that much different. So there even could be a

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geeky woman writer/artist wannabe who writes on her computer a lot, kind
of like me, heh heh.

Being a teenage creative idea person is rather cool. I get lots of awesome
ideas and (sometimes deep) insight, among other things. True genius often
comes after a lot of very hard work. Im going to begin drawing in about
thirty minutes or so.

Not sure what else to write about. Aside from a couple decent contemporary
bands, there isnt much to compare to the genius of Queen, the Beatles,
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Elton John, Billy Joel and Elvis Costello. I
mean seriously, what is there to compare. Certainly not Limp Bizkit or the
Backstreet Boys.

I drew some today. Also finished another chapter out of my Ken Wilber One
Taste book.

When I get my own house, Im going to put murals on my bedroom walls

that are drawn or maybe even painted elaborately and specifically by me.
Hopefully this will be a home in California, Philadelphia or Boston. Maybe
even Manhattan. Im getting more tired. I think Im going to go to bed soon.
If I can ever afford to by a hundred thousand dollar or a million dollar house,
Id decorate it creatively, the furniture, the decorations, and the walls. I want
it to be so different than your average house that when you walk into it, you
know that an artist lives there. I want my house to be as cool looking as the
clothes I wear and the things I read. Later on, Id like to take up writing and
performing songs, poetry, live action television and movies, acting, novel
writing, philosophy, website design, business, and painting.

The majority of American comic books, animation, and books seem to be

missing something that I cant put my finger on. Theres aspects to them that
just seem to disappoint me and always make me say to myself You know, I
just KNOW I could do that a heck of a lot better if I just worked hard and
someone gave me a shot at it,, but I also realize that a lot of creative people

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say this, and when they get their shot, they do a sucky job, just like the
people they talk shit about and criticize. I would hope to be an exception, but
Im certainly not expecting anything like that to happen. Id rather be happy
anyways, even if that means not getting rich or famous. Im not really all
that interested in fame or money any more.

I want to be compassionate without seeming arrogant or self-indulgent. I

cant be self-indulgent when Im altruistic. Theres no way one could turn
that into a paradox. The entire theory of being self-indulgent and altruistic at
the same time is contradictory unto itself, and thus impossible to truly
achieve, which is a good thing. Am I being too philosophical here? Well
good. Im glad.

Now about Buddhism: I practice Buddhism, but do I practice actual Zen or

Zen Buddhism for that matter? I know OF Tao, but do I actually practice
following the way of the Tao? Im not really sure.

Am I too analytical? It must be all that reading and writing I do. My I.Q. has
absolutely nothing to do with spirituality, creativity or compassion, though.
School has prepared me for close to none of the amazing things Ive found
during my life so far. School has prepared me for what real life is like,
though. The harshness of interacting with other people, and hearing what
other people have to say, so it could be good in that regard, I suppose.

I do believe in God more than I used to, but I still doubt the overall
credibility of Gods possible true existence. I think there is quite possibly
some truth to the whole God concept, but a lot of what is taught to most
people is over-embellished, mythological nonsense, such as the idea of a
personal male God that hates certain people, and is in the form of human,
because supposedly, according to the Bible, God created man in his own
image. I dont believe in that type of a God (note: the stereotypical Christian
one, which seems to be the most popular rendition of what people in this
country conceive their God to be), so if I had to classify myself as anything,
Id have more confidence calling myself a Buddhist agnostic-theist, which is
definitely what I am.

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Its 11:04 p.m. at night right now. I think I should go to bed soon, but Im
not as tired as I was. That probably wont last for very long, though.
Actually, I hope it wont because I like having a sleep routine that involves a
lot of sleep. I dont like staying up all night like I used to at one point. I use
to like to do that, but now theres basically nothing interesting on either the
radio or television, so what the fuck would be the point of even staying up if
theres nothing to entertain me aside from reading, writing or drawing which
Ill probably do at nighttime in the future, when Im officially an adult.

Heres my question: Why go to Tibet to climb the mountain, when your own
personal mountain that you can climb and conquer has always lied within?
You dont have to travel thousands of miles to the mountain when its been
there inside of you the entire time. This is something Ive just recently
discovered. The hunger to know; and my hunger for knowledge will always
be insatiable. I always need or want more knowledge, even when I have
much more than enough. This is one of my natural highs. Who needs mind
murdering drugs when I have knowledge, meditation, and creativity? I dont
know how much Ive retained and remember overall. I just know that its
definitely a lot of information.

Heres a question. What if one day I went out and saw a psychic, and she
ended up telling me I would win a Pulitzer Prize for one of my literary
stories? How would I react? Would I think highly of myself from then on
and indulge in arrogance because of my pre-conceived supernatural notion
of myself as an important person? Im wondering this. I hope that would
not be the case. I dont think Id like myself much if that were the case. If I
ever received something like a Nobel or a Pulitzer, people might start
treating me differently, viewing me as very important, a god or a
genius. Some people might even be intimidated just by going up and
talking to me. Im not sure if Id want all that admirationI dont have a big
ego when it comes to my view of myself. I have no delusional visions. It
might make me unhappy. Big achievements can inevitably lead to mental
and psychological complications. Thats a simple fact of life. Some people
let success change them, even though many hope not to let it. It still
happens. Shit still happens. I know Im not God. Only God is God. Im not

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him/her/it/them. God and/or the cosmos is/are so much larger than myself.
So big that its kind of overwhelming when you first try to get used to it.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 33

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July 2001

I think Ive decided what the most original books to come out in the last two
years or so were. They were A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by
Dave Eggers, The Art of Happiness, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier
and Clay, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft and Dream Catcher both by
Stephen King, Speaking With the Angel: Edited by Nick Hornby, and if Tis
by Frank McCourt has come out in the last two years, Id count that one too.
Dean Koontz books are original as well. Another book that seems amazing is
Soul Mountain by Gao Xingjian.

I for one cant wait to buy the new Gorillaz stateside release CD. But enough
about entertainment stuff! I should talk more about serious topics and
universal transpersonal observations. This is amazing. How often do you
hear a seventeen-year-old ethnic teenager use the word term transpersonal
in a sentence? Not very. Thats probably certain.

Last night when I was working, I acted friendly and compassionate towards
two women I was bagging groceries for, and on their way out, one woman
said to me God be with you. I took that as a divine compliment, even
though Im skeptical to the existence of God. It made me feel like someone
recognized how decent my actions at the time were. That made me feel
good, but I simply replied, You have a good evening. I didnt say thank
you or anything. Its things like that that make me like the job I have. Still,
I think if the library contacts me, Im still going to take that job up. Two
things I believe in the most are the goodness of human nature, and
compassion. I dont really believe in your traditional God.

I want to try to figure out who I know is suffering, so I can do meditative

practice feeling compassion for them. This can be an exercise to help me
become more altruistic. I do consider myself a true spiritual practitioner, but
of course I could be wrong. I might not even be truly spiritual.

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Two things I have a soft spot for are beautiful piano ballads, nature, and
beautiful renaissance paintings by the masters. These are some of the most
beautiful things Ive ever witnessed. If youre a guy, its okay to appreciate
beauty. That doesnt automatically make you gay, like the stereotype seems
to imply. You can appreciate the nature of beauty and still be a man.

I have yet to read the works of the literary masters, such as Mark Twain,
Charles Dickens, Nathaniel Hawthorn, F. Scott Fitzgerald, George Orwell,
Charlotte Bronte, Jane Austin, Bram Stoker, C.S. Lewis, and H.P. Lovecraft.

I dont just want to study New York Times Bestsellers. Thats what wannabe
hack writers do who only want to write bestsellers. Some people only study
best sellers because they hope to only be throwaway best selling authors. I
also want to study classic literature, comic books, philosophy, and good
methods for approaching creative writing. There are some tricks Ive picked
up from doing reading and studying pop-fiction, and I dont automatically
mean New York Times best selling fiction.

When you direct a feature film, I think if youre the director, youre also
involved in the production aspects of the commercials for the film, and the
DVD extra features. That would be cool. When and if I make a full on
movie, Id look forward to adding cool behind the scenes extra features.

I was just watching a special on a news channel, talking about the nonsense
that is Satanism. The Pentacle or pentagram (you know, the star with the
circle around), and its called something else, but I dont remember the name
of the symbol that is to Satanism what the cross or crucifix is to Christianity,
Catholicism and other things like that. I believe in the possibility of God, but
the concept of a Satan, lord of darkness or crap like that is just nonsense?
Im a Buddhist. Ill write about the paranormal and the occult, the
supernatural and the metaphysical, but I dont practice it or believe that all
of its real. I believe most of it isnt real. I believe in God, genius, the spirit,
reincarnation, nirvana and cosmic consciousness, but thats as far as I go. I
dont see any reality in things such as Satan, the alleged coming of Jesus
Christ, Tarot cards, Ouiji boards, palm reading, numerology, a sixth sense,

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spontaneous human combustion, aliens, ghosts, demon possession, mind

reading, big foot, the loch ness monster, crop circles, the men in black, alien
abductions, poltergeists, ESP, or magic. Im fascinated by the paranormal,
though. I want to tell great stories about it. I see it more as fascinating than
frightening, and I dont believe one bit of the Christian stereotype concept
that studying, talking about and thinking about the occult leads to the devil.
As a Buddhist, I see it as I would any other subjects, such as business or art.
The thing they all have in common is that they fascinate me.

Anyway, theres an amazing new artist that I just recently found out about
today. Hes illustrated the Tank Girl comic book and the Gorillaz characters.
His name is Jamie Hewlett. He is amazing. He seems to have quite an
influence on modern day underground comic book artists, much like Paul
Pope and Evan Dorkin. Actually, he reminds me of Evan Dorkin and Jim
Mahfood, who definitely seem possibly influenced by his work.

I ought to pick out different topics and write about them as they pertain to
my life, talking about them as if I were involving them in answering
interview questions. Topics such as compassion, spirituality, Buddhism,
comic books, animation, television, movies, art, writing, creativity, school,
music, childhood, growing up, jobs, humor, religion, censorship, violence,
parenting, society, politics, power, business, money, sex, celebrities, fame,
family, love, death, respect, fear, friends and friendship, philosophy, the
Internet, emotions, crime, knowledge, information, education, the weird,
popularity, morality, wisdom, and common sense, among other things.
These could possibly make great springboards for great stories that involve
these topics. The amazing thing is that these are the most broad and least
specific topics. There are at least a hundred subtopics for each one of these
main topics, and for all the hundreds of subtopics, there are countless
combinations of different subtopics. So I dont want to hear myself complain
about not having enough topics to write about or not being able to come up
with new ideas. I just need to look at this list at the top of this page, use my
creative power and do some clustering. Simple as that.

Bought some art supplies yesterday for my life drawing class and more
anatomy books. Now I have instruction books on anatomy, light and shade,

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drawing wrinkles and drapery, drawing methods, inking, sequential art,

animation production, sketchbooks, animated film production books,
scriptwriting, script books, directing, and creating fiction and novel writing.
The only thing is now I have a whole bunch of drawing supplies to practice
with for the class. I cant wait to try them out. And when I take a painting
class, Im sure Ill have to buy paint supplies also. Theres a whole bunch of
different ways to paint, such as watercolor, oils, airbrush, and pastels, just as
there are many different ways to approach life drawing, still life, and
landscape or background drawing.

Some new artists I want to track down, besides Jamie Hewlett, are Adrian
Tomine, Dan Clowes, Robert Crumb, and Paul Pope, even though I already
have one of his comic books. I also want to find more stuff by Chuck Jones,
Walt Disney, Bruce Timm, and Tex Avery who are all very, very influential.
This is aside from all the masters of fine art as well.

Drew some earlier today, and Im going to draw a lot more. Its only 1:04
after all. Im going to keep practicing today until I have a better sense of
drawing bigger and understanding proportions better. Maybe Ill make up a
character or two also. Maybe Ill draw that skeleton after all. Right now Im
more inspired by manga than I am by American indie comics. Paul Pope,
Jeff Smith, Terry Moore and Frank Cho all do amazing work, but theyre
few and far between. The majority of indie comic book art is disposable
crap. Id rather study fine art and manga, because a lot more work and good
execution goes into it. If you want to make a masterpiece, you need to invest
a lot of time and hard workor blood, sweat, and tearsinto it. Thats the
only way masterpieces are created, my friend. Burne Hogarth, Frank Cho,
Glen Keane, and Norman Rockwell didnt start out creating masterpieces.
They got there through many years of hard work and studying art and
drawing, learning to draw naturally for a long amount of time. As a matter of
fact, I think Ive been motivated to start drawing again pretty soon. The only
problem I seem to have with drawing, other than proportions, composition,
anatomy and perspective, is that my arm tends to get tired and aches when I
draw for a long time. I started going into an anatomy drawing frenzy about
one or two days ago.

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Whoa! I was just watching the local news, and something shocking, scary
and surprising just happened. Last night, late at night, CD Warehousethe
one where Ive bought some of my favorite CDs and talked to the friendly
cashierswas robbed by two kids. One of them was carrying a large
shotgun. I saw the video images of the two kids (one was white and the one
holding the shotgun was black, I think) shouting at the cashier, brandishing
and pointing the guns at him. It scared me to see that. It was shocking. I feel
compassion for everyone involved, including the kids who made a very
stupid decision and robbed the place. The video image that I just saw
broadcasted on Newschannel 13 was not a pleasant one. It almost made me
sick to my stomach. Despite this, if they have the CDs Im looking for, I will
not stop shopping there simply because of a robbery. The Winn-Dixie I work
at right now was robbed during my period working there (but not when I
was in the store) a while ago, but even though I wanted to quit when I found
out it happened, my family convinced me to stay and I kept working there,
so Im pretty sure that if I can keep working at a place thats gotten robbed,
then I can keep shopping at a place thats gotten robbed. I will not be
circumvented into avoidance by my fear. I will not let fear for my life and
other peoples negative actions keep me from living and enjoying my life.
Im not going to fear other people or view them as the enemies. Its in ways
of thinking like this that is where the power of Buddhism and compassion
lies.

My brother has bought a lot of fireworks for the fourth of July (many of
them illegal), but only because a lot of them go into the air and many
explode. Ill go out and watch him light them off tonightmaybe even light
some of them off myselfbut I wont be out there the entire time, and it
should be fun to see how long hes actually able to stay out there lighting off
enormously loud fireworks until the police come round, if they ever do while
hes out there. Because if they do then my brother is busted.

Even though I drew a lot earlier today around early afternoon, Im going to
draw some more tonight sometime after 8 oclock. Once Ive accomplished
my very best work and tried my hardest, I have to try even harder than that. I
wont get into art school or land a decent job if I dont, after all. My current
art mantra is Draw people, draw in proportion, and draw bigger. Its good
to get in a type of meditative state when Im drawing. That way Ill last
longer at the drawing table. I can do it with my writing, but Im going to do

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it with my drawing also, maybe and hopefully more so, because certain
aspects of my writing ability have already reached an excellent level. Now
that I think about it, if some manga artists can draw 120 comic book pages a
week, I can damn well do at least one or two comic book pages every day or
every other day. If I can just get the basics down pat, doing sketch after
sketch, painting after painting, frame after frame, and layout page after
layout page is going to be so goddamn easy. Its weird. Some adult creative
peoples professional work output is barely a trickle; I want mine to come
out in massive volumes. I wont be satisfied completely if this happens any
other way thats less massive. Once you master your craft and build up a
very decent work ethic where youre used to hard work and long shifts, I
dont think creating massive work volumes seems like too much of a
problem or obstacle. All you have to do is get into the zone where your
comfortable and not afraid to try new things, make bad work, and mess up
(many times, if necessary). I would like to fill up the rest of this page before
8:30 (its 8:14 right now), but if I dont, then thats okay, Ill still get to
drawing around there. I dont even care if I have to yank my fucking ass out
of this computer chair. It will happen.

I still would like to buy that book Writing the Natural Way. I love using
clustering exercises. Clustering is one of the most enjoyable aspects of
writing to me. I like clustering a hell of a lot more than doing research on
subjects that I dont enjoy doing research on, but I do both clustering and
research anyways. There are times when I absolutely hate drawing and
writing (but rarely at the same time). I think all jobs and kinds of work are
like that in some ways. That love/hate relationship. There are times when I
want to collaborate, and therere times when I simply get the encouraging
satisfaction of being able to do my own thing, all on my own, out of my
imagination only. It all depends on what Im working on. I dont know if my
name is ever going to be listed on Wizards Top 10 hot writers or artists lists,
or the New York Times Bestsellers list, or the Amazon.com best selling
hardcover and soft cover book lists, but Id be dooming myself to failure and
disappointment if I expected this level of success for myself. The best step I
could take to achieve this goal would be to have lots and lots of original and
amazing talent, and to work very, very hard. Easier said than done. I know
this, but if I want these types of things to happen, these are the steps I must
take.

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There are different levels of artistic skill. Here they are in my opinion: The
people that cant draw at all and are incapable of doing a real drawing at all;
the people that cant draw but want to badly; people that can only do doodles
or traces and dont draw for a living; people that can draw but only on a
mediocre level (with bad proportions, bad perspective, an unoriginal style
and the like), who want to break into the industry; people that practice more
than the last type of people, who have enough talent and who work hard
enough to get them work, but only as an assistant to others; Then theres the
people who have a distinctive style, but dont work extremely hard, yet
nonetheless have a distinctive enough style to make them famous and
respected, even though a lot of their artwork is surface. These include artists
such as Jim Mahfood, Jhonen Vasquez, Roman Dirge, Evan Dorkin, Chynna
Clugston-Major, and Jill Thompson. This would be the underground, and
Im sure Oni and Slave Labor would hate me for saying those things
publicly, but its true. I can constantly find numerous compositional and
anatomical flaws in titles like Blue Monday, Lenore, Milk & Cheese,
Zombie Kid, and any Jhonen Vasquez comic book. Those artists, quite
frankly, arent as skilled or hard working as people like Norman Rockwell,
Dean Cornwell, Vincent Van Gogh, Rembrandt, and the Renaissance
masters; people who practice more than most for a while, who have mad
skill and who practice a lot until they get a decent well paying job in the
industry; people who work even harder than the last people who have just as
much or even more talent that know all the basics very well, who become
famous for what they do; then theres the downright geniuses and legends
that become the most respected people in the industry, such as Will Eisner,
Stan Lee, Burne Hogarth, Chuck Jones, Alan Moore, Walt Disney. These
people do many of the greatest works or masterpieces. They have mad skill
and genius, they work harder than most other folk, they spend a lot of time
learning, and are never above criticism, unlike many lesser comic book,
animation, or fine art talent, which is why the lesser talent never improve.
Now when you get to the very top level, the ones who master their crafts and
mediums, they tend to take two routes. They usually either take the route of
pioneers and revolutionaries who redefine their mediums, or the route of
great storytellers, who devote all their energy to controlling their medium,
refining its ability to control messages effectively. Now you dont have to
always stay with one or the other. You can do one for a while, then switch to
the other. It doesnt matter which one of these routes a person chooses to
take. They still have to know the basics like the back of their hand.
I like writing in the transpersonal sense. I also enjoy commentating on the
cosmos, form and matter.

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Well, Ive got a writers question: How come there are no multiracial
families depicted in the entertainment business. You have the handicapped
(Pelswick) and multiracial couples, but where are the adoptive or parents of
two different races or child and parents of different races? What kind of
message is this sending to audiences and especially children? Its okay to
have sex with a person of a different color, but its not okay to be raised by
or raise children of a different color. Entertainment needs diversity. Its
primarily heterosexual white males with white females. Jesus fucking Christ.
Thats so wrong.

I just decided Id get up early today so that I could get to my daily work
extra early. You know. Drawing, writing, meditating, reading and whatnot
Actually I got up early because like usual, my sometimes annoying cat,
Tigger, whos named after the Disney trademark Character, woke me up by
walking up to my head, meowing at it and licking different parts (such as my
ear and nose) with her rough tongue and occasionally standing on my back
or stomach as I rolled over in bed. I hate it when she does that when Im
trying to sleep in, but she wants out of my room in the mornings, so what
can I say? Im up and thats that. Despite how Tigger will sometimes annoy
me, she is still very adorable and lovable. Shes getting old, though. Shes
too old to play with Baby, our smallermuch younger, white-colored cat
(or kitten?).

The Brits are called limeys and we the Americans, are called Yankees by the
British. How peculiar. This is just something I picked up. Ive heard some
British slang, but only know what a small percentage of it means. Theres
cheers, bollocks, git, bloody, Yankee, football, quid, pound, blimey, bloke,
sack the juggler. Maybe next thing I know, Ill actually be a limey. Now
that would be scary. Aside from the Brits, Im fascinated by Japanese
culture and entertainment, and Chinese literature. Im a Japan freak. I know
about ancient Japanese art, anime, Tokyo, Chinese food, manga, geishas,
Japanese, the kangi symbols, sushi, sake, soy sauce, Buddhism, Taoism,
Confucianism, Shintoism, meditation, J-Pop and J-Rock. So theres China,
Britain, Japan, America, Ireland, South America (which Ive known quite
few people from), France, Canada, Africa, and Australia. I dont know what

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it feels like getting translated into 16, 20 or 30 different foreign languages.

That would be weird. I suppose it could happen, though. The book I did
illustrations for, 101 More Favorite Play Therapy Techniques has already
been on multiple best seller lists, in its own category, across the world. Well
over 1,000 people have seen my artwork. Many of them are probably not
impressed, but thats okay. As long as they see it Im satisfied. World
famous entertainers include The Beatles, the Smashing Pumpkins, Stephen
King, Chuck Jones, Dr. Suess, Walt Disney, Tim Burton, Alan Moore, and
Stan Lee.

The thing about my drawing is that I want my drawings to have the same
type of charisma, energy, creativity, and enjoyableness to look at that my
favorite artists artwork has. Easier said than done, aye? I also want to get
good enough at drawing from life that when I try to make elaborate
illustrated scenes up in my mind, theyd still look just as sufficient. The
really cool thing is that yesterday I spent all day drawing on an off of the
drawing table, and I ended up with four pages of drawings, or a little more
than four drawings, and they all turned out quite well. More than I expected
my usual lazy self to accomplish. My secret for drawing so much was that I
went back and forth from the computer to my drawing table for somewhat
short amounts of time. This way I never got burnt out doing either one.

In my opinion, the only way entertainment and deep integrated

consciousness can be perennial is if theyre made of quality. Thats how the
Beatles have lasted so long, and the same goes for Will Eisner. Ive also read
that if youre good and successful at making mini comics or online comics,
publishing companies will eventually take notice, just as Ive heard that if
you make a name for yourself in the world of indie comics; animation and
movie studios will eventually come calling. I dont know if this is true, but
Id like to think so. Im kind of in a weird position of observation right now.
I seem to be able to understand anatomy better and better each day, the more
I draw. Thats not the weird part. The weird part is that since Im getting
more skilled at understanding anatomy, its kind of easy to see other artists
trapping themselves in a certain poorly crafted animation or comic book
style without learning the basics, which include anatomy, while I seem to be
having such a fun and easy time with anatomy at certain points, and drawing
seems a lot easier to me than it used to. Now I truly understand why they
always tell you to learn the basics first. My drawing work has become a lot

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easier and enjoyable ever since I started approaching drawing practice this
way. I dont need someone to tell me to practice anymore. Inot someone
elseforce myself to do it. You mean (gasp!) just drawing for fun, and not
because youre being paid for it or someone had to tell you to do it a lot.
Yes, as a matter of fact. Thats exactly what I mean.

I just saw the online comic version of Hopeless Savages, by Jen Van Meter
and Christine Norrie, on the Oni Press website. I was disappointed. Norries
artwork on her website, Spookoo.com, is much better. In the online comic,
she barely even bothers to draw some of the background, and only when its
a piece of furniture that the characters are interacting with. Chynna
Clugston-Major did a much better job of adapting Jen Van Meters
characters and their surroundings to comic book form. Thats just me
speaking. I only go for well-done artwork that people actually spent a lot of
time working on, but thats just me speaking. Frank Cho would probably say
something similar, because he has a high standard of what good art is, much
like me. Now Norman Rockwell That was a guy that could draw. Damn
well, I might add, even if he only drew from life, and pretty much never
from his head and imagination, which is something I have to give Chynna
and Christine Norrie credit for. Speaking of art, Im pretty sure I know what
Im going to work on today. Ill start around 12:30 or so this afternoon. Im
going to do more huge drawings in charcoal today, so that I can practice for
my class. And Im also going to keep working on rendering and constructing
the skeleton drawing I started last night. Im also going to draw stuff out of
anatomy books. Hopefully Ill be doing a lot of stuff. Yesterday it was just
nonstop decent drawings. I hope to do the same or better today, but Im not
expecting to. If I did that, Id be expecting too much out of myself.

Heres another idea. If there were an artist living as a prison in a Nazi

concentration camp back during the holocaust, what would it be like inside
of his mind? What would go through his mind and if I were able to draw
during this grim period, what kind of things would I draw on a piece of
paper. Same goes for inmates. You can put a creative person or artist in
different types of situations and see what kinds of drawings he creates.
Different moods create different types of drawings, Im guessing.
I could go into the usually my brother is a moron speech, but what purpose
would that serve exactly. None whatsoever probably. After I finish taking

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this somewhat short break from drawing, Im going to be drawing my mom

on a huge piece of paper with charcoal, multiple times if necessary. And
after that, around 4 or 5 oclock Im going to get back to working on the
skeleton. I might even start the final pencil drawing for my portfolio piece. I
drew one drawing today that turned out rather good, but thats it. I didnt
have as much energy for drawing as I did yesterday. I got the shakes, which
is why Im taking this break from drawing. I think Ill go meditate soon. I
think if I can learn to draw in charcoal, Ill be able to practice with color,
using oils, pastels, watercolors and Photoshop on the computer. Im
definitely starting to have a much better understanding of anatomy. I feel
like the original artists of the renaissance, trying to analyze how to depict
three-dimensional space on a two-dimension canvas or piece of paper. When
I draw an object or person, I must think of it as if Im actually reaching out
and touching the subject with my pencil. That and seeing the proportion and
three-dimensional aspects of the subject. When I draw, its not just lines on
paper. Its as if Ive entered another mental dimension. The lines have
weight, thickness and mass, and the shapes interact with one another,
eventually connecting silently and making an overall shape and form, which
therefore is the final product that people end up seeing. Blending shadows
and darkness is a lot of fun also. If I want to do something realistic, I have to
concentrate on every little pencil mark. Every curve. Every angle. Its weird.
Ive gone into a really intense type of artistic phase in the last three days,
like I live, eat, sleep, breath and write art. This only proves how devoted I
am to my crafts sometimes. Now is not a time to think about writing too
much. Now is a time to concentrate on art. Im thinking that if I get to a
good enough artistic level soon enough, I wont have much of a problem
cranking out wonderful and detailed portfolio pieces in a short amount of
time. Lets see. This month is July. The portfolio is due at the end of this
year, so I have about 5 months left to come up with and draw some damn
good pieces. I dont think I need to sweat it. Judging by what Im producing
right now, that shouldnt be much of a problem drawing a lot of decent
artwork thats portfolio worthy in what will hopefully be a lot less than five
months. I cant believe Im already working this hard and its only 3:55.
From now on, I never save starting to draw till the evening ever again. That
does more harm than good. It doesnt give me enough time to warm up, and
before I know it Im too damn tired to draw anything. I know how that goes
all too well.

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Just drew a picture of my mother sitting in a chair not too long ago, and Ill
definitely say that its showing a lot of improvement over my last straightfrom-life drawing in my last life drawing class. I think at the end of these
eight classes, I should have some pretty damn good stuff to put in my
portfolio, but thats only if I work hard in between classes and find time to
draw for at least an hour every day, which shouldnt be too hard now.

Well, the fireworks show thats outside of our house has been going on for
about an hour and a half or so, and we have quite the captivated audience. It
is quite an amazing spectacle, but I got agitated when it got really hot from
the sparks and I was getting bit by mosquitoes, so I went inside and am now
writing in this journal. Phil, one of our neighbors down the street wants to
learn to draw and take drawing lessons. Maybe I could teach him a thing or
two about drawing. When I went outside and greeted everyone, it had
appeared a lot of the people, some of which I dont think Ive met yet, all
seemed to know from my mom that Im the artist in this neck of the woods.
How bizarre. I felt like somewhat of a celebrity with everyone knowing what
I do, but it felt good nonetheless, like Id been recognized. I think theyd be
surprised if they saw what kind of artistic plateau I was at. For now, Ill just
keep these beautiful drawings all to myself, even though Mrs. Borgeus says
that I need to show my drawings off to everyone. I think maybe I should
show my neighbors my good drawings, but then everyone would be in on
the awesome secret of mine! Guess what though. Once I get published and
distributed, more people will be in on my secret than I could ever fathom to
think of. Thats going to be amazing, but first I have to finish school.
I think I might go to bed pretty soon, regardless of whether or not theres
fireworks going off outside.

I just read the second Oni Color Special, and found it quite awesome. I love
the whole thing. I like when companies like Oni Press and Dark Horse do
anthology comic book issues. You get a good sense of what type of stuff the
company is into and publishes. I have my second life drawing class tonight. I
think Ill do better this time. A lot better, hopefully. My drawings have been
turning out wonderful lately though. I only have about 30 minutes to write
now before I have to get start drawing today. I was looking at the latest issue
of Bone I bought today, and was somewhat disappointed by the visuals. Id
think a great storyteller like Jeff Smith (I know hes capable of writing and
illustrating great stories) would be able to put some variety into his locations

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that he draws, but he seems to draw all backgrounds the same way, with the
exception of a cover drawing and a page or two within each issues. I used to
like Bone a lot more than I do now. Im more into fine art, manga and other
indie comics by Frank Millar, Paul Chadwick, Chynna Clugston-Major, etc.,
etc.

Three minutes left until I begin transcending the realm of reality and enter
the magical world of art when I start drawing. The whole process seems
miraculous to me, but maybe its something else if there really is no God,
and there may not be. Being completely convinced that God exists for sure
seems like too much of a presumption for my tastes. Religion is a weird
thing. I have an easier time getting into spirituality than I do religion.
Christianity just doesnt seem that spiritual to me. It seems more to me like
an institution and ritual than a spiritual practice. You do Gods work, but
what does that have to do with cherishing and kindling your soul and making
it easier for others to live with kindness and compassion. Christians dont
really care if they the meat of dead animals or kill bugs.

If I want to get widely distributed, I have to promote myself through such

methods as attending conventions and meeting editors, submitting my work
to publishers, treating my audience well, building websites to promote my
work, and all that other good groovy stuff.

Well, I leave for my second life drawing class in about ten or fifteen
minutes. I probably sound like a pompous braggart here, but the cool thing is
that I seem to have a better understanding of art than a lot of popular indie
comic book artists that Ive seen, and I havent been to art school and gotten
a job in animation and comic books yet. Im trying to imagine how my work
might end up looking once I get out of art school, but thats tough to
imagine. Ive already surpassed my expectations of what I was hoping to
accomplish with my artwork. Theres somewhere around 22 or 23 pages of
artwork in a single comic book issue. One page a day seems reasonable, but
maybe I could crank up my comic book output and eventually reach, say
five or so pages penciled (and possibly inked and lettered) a day. If I were to
work eight or thirteen hour days, then that might be possible. Maybe I could
do a whole boatload of work in a short period of time, and then after a lot of

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its done, I could be ahead of deadlines. That way I could release one piece
of a project or a whole project every so often. That would make it a lot easier
on me, both mentally and financially. When you work on entertainment,
usually your finished work doesnt reach the public until long after youve
finished it. Thats how it works usually, and I suppose you also have to keep
your mouth shut about it until its actually out in stores. Im hoping to make
some good drawings in my class today. When Im in college, I probably
wont be able to write anywhere near this much as I do now. I just wont
have time. Ill have to be working my ass off at drawing for my class. I
might only have 30 or so minutes a day to write and that would be it.

I just got home from my drawing class, but someone upsets me. Guess who.
My brother. Right now I seriously hope he has a kidney stone attack, or
something. I know this doesnt sound very Buddhist, but unfortunately right
now theres no escape from him. I have to live in the same house with him
right now and I dont have a choice. Hes caused this family so much
suffering; its not even funny. It can seem kind of depressing at times.
Maybe I can admit it now. I kind of do hate my family sometimes. All they
seem to do is get in my way of living an enjoyable life. I would like to find a
girlfriend or wife when I move out but fat chance. Thats what I have my
meditation for. I dont feel very Buddhist right now, but maybe thats
because Im not. Im merely a person. Things were going so well at home
and in art class, up until now. I was drawing a lot, I was getting more
confidence in class, and I was socializing with the people in life drawing
class. But then I get home and the shit hits the fan. I think I may have lost
some of my art supplies or left them in the classroom, my brother is being an
intolerable (for lack of a more sophisticated term) asshole, and my dad gave
me a hard time and is avoiding me for ridiculous reasons. Thank God for my
art and writing. At times like this when I hate my current surroundings (as
rare as these moments usually are), I feel truly blessed to have a nonmeditative catharsis like writing and drawing.

I could sure use some exercise. If I dont watch my weight, I might become
a fat bastard sooner than Id ever expect. I cant get on the Internet right
now, but thats quite all right. Ive been on the Internet too much anyways.

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I think a good song for an optimistic work montage would be that song
Heavy Things by Phish. Speaking of music, I definitely want to buy the new
Gorillaz CD and also listen to the God Bless the Go-Gos album by the GoGos as well as The Invisible Band by Travis. The new Depeche Mode
album looks pretty cool. Its doesnt sound gay like some of their other older
songs that Ive heard on the radio.

I think I need to apologize for my horrible comments about my family last

night. I dont think I really meant those things. I was quite mad at the time. I
need to be able to forgive myself for that one because right now, no one else
knows about those thoughts I had.

Got home from work not too long ago. Well, I didnt draw today like I
hoped, but I did work at my day job. I came up with some ideas while I was
working, though. If my brother goes psycho on this family, he usually does
it at nighttime for some reason, probably because his medication is wearing
off, but fuck talking about this. It bothers and disturbs me too much. I should
move onto the ideas. Besides, I still love my brother a lot, even if he does
say evil things sometimes. I wish nothing but the best of luck for him. Just
because he has bad qualities doesnt mean he doesnt have any good
qualities.

Also one idea is about a person who meets someone becomes good friends
with them and eventually finds out by snooping through their stuff that
theyre an alien, which eventually leads to a violent confrontation. But I
dont want the discovery part to seem too much like when that guy in the
movie Needful Things finds out the storeowner is the devil through the
newspapers. Maybe the human could use a pistol for a weapon, even though
hes not sure how effective it would be against an alien. Thats a good
creative question. How effective would a pistol be for fighting an alien in
human form? This question may already have been addressed on Third Rock
from the Sun. But I dont really watch that show, so I wouldnt know.

I might want to write crime and pulp fiction one day, only with more of my
own bizarre trademark twist, so it would definitely help to do research on

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true life crime by reading crime books and comics, and reading as well as
watching the news. Crime television shows like Homicide: Life On the
Street and Special Victims Unit, Cops, and NYPD Blue would be good too.
Cops, detectives and criminals are interesting things to write about. I think I
might just make a serviceable novelist one day, but I still need to work on
my pacing, plots and storytelling ability. Would the fact of me getting on
multiple bestseller lists prove to be some kind of a miracle, or would it just
be the result of well done research on what sells in commercial
entertainment? From my current knowledge, there are some definite factors
that can make a novel sell a ton of copies, as opposed to a novel that sells a
modest amount of copies. They are captivating syntax and subjects with
broad appeal. I could definitely be wrong on this one, though. I guess Ill
know when Im published as a novelist, if this ever happens, that is.

My last idea is a philosophical concept. Theres one thing Ive observed

about religion. From what I know so far, all religions seem to have a lot to
do with the concept of death and how the actions you engage in during the
life you have now affect you, your soul, or your existence after you die,
whether you go to heaven (or hell), or your soul is reincarnated into another
life of suffering unless you attain enlightenment. Thats probably why many
people reject religion, because in a way death is very mysterious, thus
making religion (a concept that goes hand in hand with the process of death)
also very mysterious. In my opinion, the truth is that no one knows for sure
what happens to you after you die. If we all did, there wouldnt be so many
different religions in so many variations which are primarily based on
physical feelings and presumptions, because if we all knew for a fact what
happened wed all believe the same thing, because wed all have the same
conclusive proof, which would invariably turn out to be irrefutable, like the
existence of form and whatnot. Wed all have the same religious preference
in the same way that we all sleep and wear clothing, because what we all
believed would be tangible and irrefutable. I didnt hear this philosophy
from anywhere. This observation was not influence by a preexisting concept,
because as far as I know, I hadnt heard of this concept until I thought it up
(although I could be wrong), which is why Im convinced Im some kind of
genius, whether its creative or perceptive (or maybe both). All I know is
that I have an almost trans-human ability to at times see what other humans
around me, for the most part, dont seem to see. This ability of mine also
seems far beyond my own current comprehension. I dont know how I get
these ideas or think of up these words. I just know when they come to me,

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and whenever they do, I always try to write them down right away before I
forget them. In a way its weird, but its also encouraging to know I have
this sort of mental capability.

People would be surprised to find out how many living and non-living
famous people who impacted the world were non-religious, non-theist,
atheist, agnostic, secular and humanist. Some include Carl Sagan, Isaac
Asimov, Jean Paul Sartre, Abraham Lincoln, Ernest Hemingway, George
Orwell, Mark Twain, Oliver Stone, Garth Ennis, Stanley Kubrick, H.P.
Lovecraft, and John Lennon. Many famous, very kind, moral entertainers
who are and were non-religious including Walt Disney (Who never really
belonged to any specific religion and didnt allow press at his funeral,
probably because it was a secular one), Charles M. Schulz (who in a 1999
interview described himself as a secular humanist, and Matt Groening,
who is agnostic, kind of like me, except Im also Buddhist. Also, I have a
feeling Jim Mahfood and Jhonen Vasquez are or were both either atheist or
agnostic.

If youre a celebrity whos also very creative, prepare to have your ass
thoroughly kissed, no matter how low you consider yourself to be. People
will probably say things such as youre hot, youre a genius, youre brilliant,
you are god, you do amazing work, can I have a sketch, can I get a critique,
and can I get an autograph? I dont expect to get this type of treatment.
Actually, I want to be treated like lowly scum, like I usually am at my job
and at school. That way Id keep my ego in check. Im about to leave with
my dad to go to the art store or somewhere else to buy an easel. That thing
that almost stands up straight that holds your paper in a vertical fashion so
that you can paint or draw standing up.

I dont know. Today (some of it anyway) went horribly. Ill start with the
good parts. I bought three CDs that Ive been thinking about and an art easel.
The CDs I bought were Gorillaz: Gorillaz, Travis: The Invisible Band, and
Go-Gos: God Bless the Go-Gos. Plus, dad gave me some advice for living
in California, whenever this happens.

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About religion: I know Im a Buddhist, but as far as God goes, Im not sure
where I stand on God right now. Sometimes Im convinced Im a believer,
and sometimes Im certain Im agnostic. Im confused. My conviction keeps
changing based on my observation. Im skeptic, yet at the same time I really
want to believe. Sometimes I wish I had more faith than I do. I want to be
happy all the time. I want to believe. I know true happiness lies within, but
sometimes I just wish my conviction would just be more determined. I dont
want to lie to myself in the process, though. Its all very confusing. I suppose
right now, after how horrible work was, I should just be glad to be here in
the comforts of my own home with all my health intact. The fact that my
family felt compassion for me when they found out I didnt get the job at the
library (they hired someone with more experience) made me feel really good
and all warm inside, like theres people who really care about me. I could
feel the good karma and spiritual repayment at work. Its good to know my
family really does love me, and I love them in return just as much. Love out
of compassion is true love. I agree with the Dalai Lama. Love out of
attachment is not true love. I dont need attachment, and am not anywhere
near as dependant on it as I used to be, and thank goodness for that. I almost
always try to express my compassion for people, to let people know that I
care about them, because I do all the time, but Im more convinced of this
some times than other times. My mother believes in a divine purpose, more
than I do in fact. She believes in a plan and that God has a plan. Im not sure
if I believe this also, but this can seem like a very comforting and reassuring
conviction, so in a way, I guess I do envy that conviction. I believe there
might very well be a God, but if there is, Im not so convinced that God has
a purpose. Im more prone to believe that God simply exists and is not
pleased about interfering with the natural process of existence. My view on
this whole topic is quite prone to change at any given moment. I would like
to have faith that everything is going to be all right, and I know Ill make it
through somehow, but Im still trying to figure out how. I must never lose
hope. Its when you lose hope thats when life really seems to start to not
seem worth living and desperation sets in. I think Ive spewed enough
mental wordage filth. I may be done writing for tonight, but thats okay
because Im pleased with what Ive written so far.

One more thing though: There do seem to be some best selling novel clichs
that a lot of popular books seem to have. Certain subjects that have been
talked about a million times over. Clichs if you will. The main ones Ive
observed include Detectives, guns, cars and other vehicles, the FBI, criminal

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masterminds, vampires, sex, Christianity (and etc.), curse words, and

alcohol.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 34

July 2001

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So much compassion to give out, so little time. I know that sounds cheesy,
but its true. Some of the people on the Bendis board seem to have endured a
lot of suffering. I try to write statements of sympathy for as many of them as
I can. This one guy, Corran, lost his grandmother on Easter Sunday and his
brother died a week later on the day of her funeral, plus his job was not
going well and his love life was doing terribly, as he said. He was looking on
the bright side, though. And this one guy was having some medical
problems. His lung collapsed for no apparent reason, and he ended up in the
hospital, so he has to have surgery done on him. I wrote him a message of
sympathy like everyone else on the board, so theres really nothing special
about me. Its just that I felt like writing about it.

Last night, I was up really, really late, so late that it almost made me feel
sick. I went to bed around 1 a.m., but I didnt get to sleep until around 3 a.m.
I was up all night reading, listening to my new CDs and thinking about
drawing. A lot of thoughts went through my mind. I cant remember all of
them, but I can remember some of them.

When I work on Zounds! and Circus Ninja for real, I dont just want them to
be average. I want them or one of them (preferably Zounds!) to be
masterpieces. As a matter of fact, when I work, I either create a masterpiece,
or I dont do it at all. So when I try, I try my hardest. I have to go to my job
today at 4 oclock. Thats going to suck ass. I should have quit by now if I
was smart, but Im stupid, so Im still there for some reason. I might even
draw today. I dont know. Im still a little upset about yesterday. After that
rather big display yesterday at work, Im beginning to think that that
Kenneth guy at work has some serious mental problems. My coworkers
scare me, sometimes more than the customers. I dont like being scared, but
I am sometimes and work at Winn-Dixie is one of the places Im very
frightened. I feel more hated, disliked and resented there than I did in my
freshman year in public high school. Its all right though. I dont have any ill
will or hatred, though. Im a nice guy. I treat people with respect, kindness,
tolerance, and open-mindedness. I still cant figure out what I do or have
done to deserve some of the negative treatment I receive from other people.
Sometimes I get yelled at for not doing anything at all, and I dont
understand the logic in that. That idea bothers me sometimes. I like not
being at work, where Im out in public. I dont have to keep my mouth shut

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and I can say whatever the heck I feel like whenever I feel like saying it, and
not have to worry about satisfying customers or upsetting my boss. I say
fuck tailoring my actions to everyone elses needs. Im not getting paid to do
so, and I dont have to please a blowhard boss. This means I can do what I
feel like, which is definitely cool. If someone thinks Im an asshole, let him
or her think Im an asshole. The only thing I can think to tell people like that
is to not expect me to care if they think Im an asshole, unless theyll express
their dislike for me in more civil terms. Civility is greatly appreciated by me.

Also, about how some geniuses are perceived by the world: When someone
tells another person that theyre a genius, and praises them, theyre not really
in love with the genius himself, even though they do appreciated the
geniuss presence and praise him. Theyre in love with the work that the
genius produces, which on a certain level is kind of understandable, because
they usually dont personally know the genius (although they wish they did),
but they do know his work. Maybe this can be isolating to the genius
himself.

Right now, Im proud to say that I dont have a style yet, but I am on my
way to creating a style that doesnt too closely resemble any of my favorite
comic book creators, such as Jhonen Vasquez, Jim Mahfood, Evan Dorkin,
Roman Dirge, Judd Winick, Chynna Clugston-Major, Frank Cho, Terry
Moore, Paul Pope or Jamie Hewlett. Some artists I wouldnt mind my work
emulating too much would have to be the masters of western art, such as the
Renaissance masters. That way I could sell single huge pieces of art for
thousands of dollars, or maybe more. As far as my art goes, other than the
fact that Ive fallen behind on my portfolio, I really have nothing to
complain about. Im taking a life drawing class and am doing okay in it, Im
interested in painting, I have good artistic influences, and I now have an
easel to draw standing up with, as well as an art table and a light table,
among other supplies.

This is my journey. First I start out practicing writing and drawing, working
a regular day job and taking shit from people, calling up local talk radio
shows with wacky calls, doing subtle illustrations for books that do well
internationally, building a personal website, posting on comic book message

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boards and other types of forums, and sending emails to publishing

companies and editors. Maybe this is my way of planting my image in
peoples subconscious. Maybe next thing I know Ill be one of the big names
in the industry or maybe even a celebrity. I think Ill draw around 2:30 p.m.
today.

I think to become a master at something; you have to be able to think on a

deeper level that in a way that transcends traditional conventions and
boundaries, not limiting yourself simply to what other people in the medium
have done. I think you have to search for something more innovative,
profound, and deeper. One way you can do this is by looking into other
mediums, that way when you apply methods used in other mediums. If you
do this, you can seem innovate or original when youre really just applying
methods and ways of thinking that have been utilized many times before in a
different medium, just not in the medium that youre working in.

Three very tough Buddhist actions Im going to try to adapt are not thinking
of yourself as more important than other people, even if a lot of people
praise you, so that you dont develop arrogance; realizing our
interdependence and viewing close friends and enemies on the same
level, so that hopefully you will be able to develop an infinite sense of
altruism and compassion for all sentient beings; and facing death peacefully
with positive and calm mindset, because that can quite possibly affect your
existence after your death. Other than these things, its no problem.
Adapting these mindsets is going to take a lot of concentration, meditation
and hard mental work, but I know I can do it.

I just worked today, and work went a lot better today than it did yesterday.
No one yelled at me or threw a tantrum of acted like they were going to kill
me. So as far as Im concerned, today was wonderful. Eric, the friendly
black guywho I dont think is too badgot promoted to manager. And
when I was bagging for people, these two girls at the end of my line looked
at me. One whispered to the other Hes cute, and that felt good. I felt like
Carson Daly. That totally cheered me up. Ive been waiting to hear that from
a girl my entire teenage life. These girls were attractive too, so that was an
extra bonus. It made me feel like some girlsand good-looking ones at

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thatare attracted to me, even though they wont say it to my face. That
incident kind of boosted my sexual and personal confidence, though. I dont
really consider myself that attractive of a person. I consider myself too fat,
too unsociable, and too weird to be attractive to girls. But there may be some
girls out there that are looking for just this type of guy.

On the way home from work, my brother said he was not too big on God,
but I wasnt sure whether to be pleased or displeased by that. I suppose that
means he doesnt believe in God anymore. I kind of had a feeling that he
didnt, but he finally told me. I think I also admitted to him that Im a
Buddhist, and he didnt laugh or snicker at my expense like I thought he
would. He actually took it pretty well. Heres how the whole thing went
down. My brother said (he was joking here) Im converting to Buddha or
Buddhism, and then without thinking much at all, replied and said I
already have. That was when he told me he was joking. If he took me
seriously, Im very glad he knows now and didnt laugh when I told him. At
least he knows now. Thank God for that. Today felt like a spiritual healing
day. It feels like everything has been made right: Well, maybe not
everything, but some of it anyway.

I think Im almost about ready to go to bed. Now hopefully I wont be up

until 3 oclock in the morning now. Im feeling sad right now, and I dont
know why.

I read in a magazine during work that Ray Ramano makes around $400,000
per episode; Drew Carey makes $800,000 per episode, and Kelsey Grammar
makes somewhere around $1,200,000 per episode, making him the highest
paid sitcom actor in the industry. Why do they make so much? Well, thats
easy to answer. Because you cant do Everybody Loves Raymond without
Raymond, and you cant do Frasier without Frasier Crane. I dont even want
to think about how much the writers or directors of these shows make.
People in this country, celebritieswho make a lot of money each year
tend to be viewed with a lot of admiration and as very important by normal
hard working people who dont make one tenth that. Will I be one of these
famous people one day, and will anyone listen to what I have to say? Theres
no way to tell this in advance. When I was on my break I looked through a

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job opportunity catalogue that someone had brought up to the break room
and left there. I was seeing what type of jobs there were available that would
look fun, amazing and enjoyable, and man was I disappointed! I dont
remember what exact positions they were, but all the job listing looked the
same. All the benefits were the same. Discounts, You can make up to
$70,000 a year! paid vacation time, etc., etc. Maybe someone with your
typical mind would enjoy jobs like these, but me? Well youre just not
satisfied by offerings like these when you have a mindset like mine. You
want something more challenging, less redundant, more risky, more creative,
and deeper.

Will probably draw around 12:30 or 1 oclock today. I think Id better get
back to working on that portfolio piece today or Im never going to. Im
listening to Gorillaz right now. I love that CD. Its very creative.

My brother and father are convinced Ill make a lot of money when Im
older. Im not so convinced. Im pretty convinced that there are many out
there that can do the same thing I do just as well or even better than I do it.
You know. The creative stories, characters, drawings and jokes. But maybe
Im just fooling myself here. Maybe Steven Spielberg, Drew Carey, Stephen
King, Stanley Kubrick, Tim Burton and Tom Cruise say the same thing
about themselves, and look how much they make and how rare their abilities
are. No one else can do what they can do as well as they, the icons, do it.

There are two mediums that are very hard to break into. They are acting and
the music industry. Its not a matter of just having talent. A lot of it involves
having looks, and the gamble of having a record company or a producer
even bother to look at your stuff. Thats not easy. Thats taking a huge
gamble. Things that are involved with success in acting and music (a lot of
it) involve superficiality. Acting and playing music usually dont involve a
lot of mental work, unless youre of the Grammy or Academy Award
winning caliber, because those are complex working methods, but people at
those types of levels are very rare in those industries.
I think it might be late to start drawing today, like usual. But as long as I do
it and do it for a long time, everything is cool.

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As for the most influential artists and writers in the comic book industry,
they are Will Eisner, Frank Millar, Alan Moore, Bruce Timm, Todd
McFarlane, Stan Lee, and John Buscema, and thats just the mainstream
ones. I dont know why Im so late getting to drawing work sometimes. Im
terrible at meeting deadlines. I know Im never ever going to tell this to an
employer or editor. Man, in my future, lets say about ten years from now, I
might be a very busy man.

Now that Im at this level of quality in my work, Im not worried about

keeping up a good quality. Im more worried about working consistently and
for long amounts of time. As long as I can keep up the consistency, the
quality should take care of itself. For me, it also helps to be in a
contemplative state. A nice meditative, or in other words, contemplative
atmosphere is always nice. I get more work done that way.

Thats funny. Two days and Ive already filled up five 40-line, single-spaced
journal pages.

Drew some today and Im going to be getting back to drawing in about 10 or

so minutes. I should never have stopped. I did practice working in pen and
ink today. The only things to really do besides write in this journal is work
on my website, meditate, and draw. Sure I could read, but I wouldnt really
count that.

I want to be so at one with the world and be one with the cosmos and all
things therein that Im practically making love to the world. Alcohol and sex
are not going to help me achieve this goal. The inner workings of my mind
seem too fragile and beautiful to me for me to circumvent them (or my
senses) with temporal indulgences. In my opinion, the method Im trying to
apply is what makes the ephemeral turn into the perennial. If something is
universal, doesnt that in a way imply that it is never temporary and
primarily infinite in the thought of an uncountable number of people and in
spirit? Does the soul ever diminish? Does it ever cease to live or exist? I

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would like to think of more things this interesting to write about. Im going
to meditate today, whether I want to or not. I want to try to steer more
towards thinking about things that are more visible than God, religion and
the soul. I want to be able to write from a humanist point of view as well as
from a transpersonal point of view. I cant remember the last time I thought
up a weird and truly bizarre thought. I would like to relinquish my thrown.
Also, as deep as this journal might sound sometimes, my theories,
analysiss, thinking methods, and philosophies are bound to take the same
chance of being small minded and bigoted as other peoples thoughts and
ways of thinking do. I for one do not enjoy the process of antagonizing other
living things. I dont see it as that simple. The only real enemies are hatred,
suffering and negative actions as well as emotions. I would like to spot my
negative thoughts as they appear and discard them in one way or another.
The point is that I need to stop viewing other people as more important or
less import (well, viewing many other people as more important is okay),
better or worse than me, smarter or dumber, etc., etc.

The majority of contemporary entertainment that involved creative thinking

to produce seems to lack depth, which is unfortunate. It would be nice if
more people could fully utilize the power of thought, inner-strength, and
inner reliance. I seem to be able to do this, and I would like to be able to
cause other people to one day, but right now this is all I have, so I suppose I
might as well be satisfied with it, considering that I dont really have any
sort of a choice at this moment in time.

Nothing is more likely to make us prone to respect and value life than the
full realization of the unavoidable concept that we will all eventually die and
all eventually face death. Once we fully realized the true scope of how
permanent death is and that death ends ones current physical existence, I
think theres a good chance it will make an individual value life and
existence quite a bit more. But I think the only way this would have full
effect would be if the individual would fully realize death was near. If death
is not near, than it cannot possibly cause a transformation of thought. I think
once a person has too much of a good thing, they forget the basic pillars of
satisfaction and contentment, because they usually want more and are not
content with what is already provided for them, whereas a person that has
much less will be much more content having just a little and not even having
anywhere near as much as the person that has a lot has.

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Ill fill up no more than a page of writing before I get to work.

Turns out that I just got another raise. Im now making $6 an hour at my day
job. Thats good. Im making 50 cents more than I did when I started out
working at Goodings. Once I have an audience of 100,000 or 1 million, then
Id consider thinking that my work has mass appeal. I dont ever expect to
get that much, and in a way I hope I dont start out that well, because that
would mean there would be a lot of pressure on me to do really well. God
knows Im not perfect enough to deserve that ridiculous amount of money. I
deserve nothing more than $6 or $10 an hour, which is actually really nice,
because Im making that much ($6) now, only its for my physical labor as a
courtesy clerk. Ive gotten two raises in less than a month. Thats pretty
damn good, if I do say so myself. Maybe they want to promote me. I think
Id just like to stay a courtesy clerk, though. I dont think I ever want to be a
cashier or a manager. Theres too much pressure involved. Not that there
isnt any pressure on me now. Its just that theres a lot more pressure when
you have a higher position. If I ever become a businessperson, Id be a
businessperson with the goal of running a good customer pleasing business,
not for making money, even though Id have to, to keep the company alive.

Good news. I just finished working on part of my most recent portfolio

piece. Plus, I did two other drawings in my sketchpad today. Im going to
draw one or some of my family members on my easel tomorrow. I cant
believe I worked on the piece once again (finally!) and its only 9:19 p.m. as
I write this. Maybe my life will have a happy ending after all. Wouldnt that
be a pleasant surprise? I still have 5 months left to bang out 7 or so portfolio
pieces. If I work hard at it like I did today, it shouldnt be too much of a
problem. I just have to work on it very often and not let it build up until I
have to rush beauty, because you cant rush beauty and you cant rush a
work of art, no matter whether its a masterpiece or not. Thats a simple fact.
You should never disturb a person of powerful thought when theyre hard at
work either.
When Im drawing during my adulthood, I must never forget the basics,
such as anatomy, perspective, three-dimensionality, drawing big,

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proportions, balance, design, composition, line weight, pacing, expressive

anatomy, rhythm, line quality, pathos, drawing with the shoulder and arm,
looseness, light and shade, rendering, and construction. Once I can do all
these things perfectly, Ill have an easy time in nearly any field of art,
whether its painting, inking, penciling, illustration, comic books, animation,
or even everything in-between. As far as my artwork goes, I only keep one
set-in-stone rule in mind about my designs. Always draw something that Id
want to look at as if someone else drew it. So in other words, if it doesnt
have that same appeal that I see in the work of artists that I like, I tend to
discard it. Drawings should be fun to look at, not unpleasant and depressing
or frightening to look at! Thats my one important rule of thumb. If a
drawing isnt enjoyable to look at, I think thats what tends to make
drawings suck. I want to create the type of comics Id want to read, not the
ones Id instantly forget because they werent well crafted, they werent fun,
the characters were hollow and unmemorable, or they were poorly written.
Dark Horse and Image are notorious for publishing some truly un-enjoyable
and distinctively unreadable comics that I wish I had the mercilessness to
just throw away, and believe me, Ive done this in the past at times for some
true pieces of crap. There are a lot of crappy comics out there. Thats for
sure. I dont know if my work will strike a chord with a lot of people. I hope
it does, but theres no way to tell if it will. I just have to work hard and do
my thing. Thats all there is to it right now. I have a good knowledge of
drawing right now, and thats important. Some of the short comics in the
Dark Horse Maverick anthology were quite unreadable. Now the ones by the
Groo creator, Stan Sakai, Frank Miller, Mike Mignola and Paul Chadwick
were all very good, but the rest...well, the rest I could have done without.
Right now I prefer Oni and Dark Horse Maverick to Slave Labor Graphics,
but that might change if SLG hires some amazing new creators, rather than
bank on their already bankable talent (Jhonen Vasquez, Evan Dorkin, John
Bean Hastings) which I believe Ive primarily outgrown on the most basic
level. Im more into the ones on a much more complex and elaborate artistic
level, such as Paul Pope, Frank Cho, Bruce Timm, Will Eisner, Yoshitaka
Amano, Kosuke Fujishima, Hiroaki Samura, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto,
Katsuhiro Otomo, and Jamie Hewlett. I think my old classmates would be
surprised if they saw my artwork now or ten years from now. If they saw I
was a big name comic book artist, they might even bow down and kiss my
feet, but Im sounding egotistical and self-centered here, so I digress.

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Combining the knowledge of the west with the wisdom of the east is not an
easy task, but I believe Im up to it, believe it or not. I want to tell stories
that combine both.

Where does all this knowledge come from, other than from my imagination?
Some of it probably comes from reading a lot, and at times I can be
somewhat influenced by what Im currently reading at the moment in time,
but a lot of the things I think up come directly from me and are all me, baby!
I dont know if people will like my writing, starting with the stuff Im
putting on my website. Its profound, and Im not sure if the general
populous likes profound. Maybe they do, maybe they dont. I dont know for
sure just yet. And Im just getting warmed up. I just thought those
commentaries and philosophies up on a whim. I sat down and wrote them by
hand on a piece of paper, trying to create something deep, and bhadda-bing,
bhadda-boom the mission was accomplished without much effort, so I cant
wait to get back to working on more observations, commentaries, etc., and
make a lot more creative work for my site, because I know I can quite easily
if I set my mind to it. Clustering helps a lot sometimes also. Thinking up
truly deep thoughts is easy...for me anyway. Im not trying to brag here, but
it seriously is. Maybe its all that classical Mozart music and peaceful music
Ive been listening to lately. My mind is usually calm, but thats only from a
lot of practice (meditation, breathing techniques, spiritual analyzing and
whatnot). True transcendence will not truly begin until a year, five years
from now or maybe even longer than that! I may feel like Im thinking
deeper, but this is just the beginning of the mental and possibly physical
change. After all, its not just my mind Im trying to fine tune. Its my bodymind. Recently Ive fallen in deep love with two things. Knowledge and the
cosmos.

I was just at the comic book store today, and I bought a lot of comics (not a
whole lot in the grand scale of volume, but a lot by my current standards).
About 6 in all and I just got finished reading the latest issues of Powers and
Dragon Ball. The draftsmanship and writing in DB were pretty poor, to be
honest, but I loved Powers. Best issue yet. I dont know how its going to
end yet, and thats a good thing. I like stories with twists and surprises.
Those are the best kinds!

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I should probably be prepared to be called pretentious, pompous, egotistical,

unentertaining and arrogant by people that dont enjoy my work. You know
Im burning my copy of so and so or the novel so and so is stinking up
my house My dog is chewing on it now, It sucked, It was too slow,
Too artsy, or It blew, You suck, or You suck dick!, Loser. You
know, Ill probably here it all. I just need to learn not to take the criticism or
harsh and insensitive insults to seriously. Everyone is entitled to his or her
own opinion, even if I dont agree with it. Ill be surprised when I get good
reactions and good reviews, because the bad reviews are unavoidable, no
matter how innovative or how talented you are. All creators get them at one
point or another, even Alan Moore and Jeff Smith.

I want to get back to working on practicing writing dialogue and scene and
sequence descriptions. If I could draw as well as Frank Cho and write as
well as Brian Michael Bendis, Id make a lot of money in the world of comic
books from being so talented, but alas, I dont have that much talent. Im
getting closer to having that much, but not yet.

Some creators give certain companies identities. Jim Mahfood, Chynna

Clugston-Major, Judd Winick, and Andi Watson give Oni an individual
identity. Jhonen Vasquez, Evan Dorkin, Andi Watson (again!), and John
Bean Hastings give Slave Labor Graphics a truly unique identity also.

I now have some inside secrets into creating tones and speed lines. For speed
lines, you mark a focal point and connect all the inward pointing lines to that
focal point and erase the focal point afterwards, which was marked with an
X. For tones, if you cant see through, then you use a light table so you can
see the drawing through the shading screen, and cut out different parts along
the lines of the drawing, so you end up with an exact tone shape in the shape
of part of the drawing. Thats pretty much all there is to it.

Havent gotten a chance to write in this journal much today. I might write
tomorrow. Ive been drawing all day today, in preparation for my life
drawing class, which Ill be leaving the house to go to in about 20 minutes.

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Not much happened today, except I spent all day drawing today and came up
with some fairly decent stuff. Other than that, right before I took a shower, I
found a huge cockroach in the bathroom, right next to the window. For some
reason, I always find cockroaches on the day or evening of my art classes, or
at least lately I have. I also slept in today. Well, I tried to go back to bed in
the early afternoon, since its vacation and all, but I basically just lied in bed
when I went back in. I came close to sleeping, though. In the next couple of
days, or after the next coupled of days, Im going to be doing some very
little writing and a lot of drawing. Anatomy, layouts, full pictures, color
work, and whatnot.

I barely wrote at all or was even on the computer very much today. About an
hour and 45 minutes ago I got back from my life drawing class, and I bring
miraculous news. Today, counting this morning when I was at the easel,
drawing mom, when I was at my drawing table, and when I was in my life
drawing class, Ive drawn a total of 24 drawings in one day. Thats more
than a couple weeks worth of work in one day. I drew pretty much for 2
hours nonstop in class, all of a nude model, and the final long pose I did on a
paper shaded dark by charcoal was the definitive payoff. That was where the
true progress showed, in my ability to be able to draw much bigger and more
realistic (and less cartoony!), which is good. This day has inspired me to
practice a lot more. Rima Jabbur gave me some good advice in class today.
She said try to concentrate on drawing the gesture by smaller sections, such
as the upper chest, the top stomach, the lower stomach, and the pelvis. The
way I was doing it made it look too simple looking and not enough details
were showing, so I wasnt capturing the full figure in its full glory. Also, she
said try to concentrate on just getting the form, outer figure and contour
down before I went into adding a lot of inner details and rendering.. Thats
some damn good advice. I was drawing a lot bigger in class today, so Ive
improved a lot in that respect. Im planning on sleeping in and drawing a lot
tomorrow also. Also, while I was in class, I gave some artistic advice to a
woman who was much older than I. I informed her some about my approach
to drawing the figure. My advice was to try to see the line of action, make
sure the drawing has balance, and to draw a lot of pictures out of art books,
anatomy books, and whatnot. I said some other words of advice, but Im
having trouble remembering what they are. Some of my fellow students said
I did a real good job of getting down a hard pose, but it seemed as if they
liked my drawing a lot. I was just looking online at the artwork of Yoshitaka
Amano, Jamie Hewlett, Jim Mahfood and Roman Dirge to try to remember

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my inspirations. Its getting late. Im going to bed very soon. Its 12:01 a.m.
right now. One minute past midnight. The zombies and werewolves must be
coming out from their lurking dens right about now. I kid on that one of
course.

Im not sure what to write about. If thats true, then why the hell am I even
on this computer when I could be drawing? This is a bad habit of mine,
maybe its because it beats drawing, but if I said that, it just wouldnt be
true. Drawing is too fun for me to not want to do it. Maybe Im just gloating
on the success of yesterday by not drawing today. Yesterday had to have
been my best drawing day so far of any of my days, because I got the most
work done. I want to do more gesture drawings, contours and long poses.
Eventually I want to do a lot of painting also. That would be nice. Id be like
Yoshitaka Amano, drawing all the time and creating masterpieces. How
sweet would that be? The only obstacle is the fact that Im on the computer
so much. His drawings are very, very detailed. I have a gift. Why waste it? I
still never pay much attention to the competition (other artists and writers);
Im not concerned with ending up ahead or behind. I just do my thing and
give help to people who want it from me. Some do, some dont. Im always
willing to lend advice to artists that want to improve their skills. I do seem to
have a lot of creative and artistic knowledge after all, even though there are
many other artists that know their craft much better than I.

Well, now I know who Stephen Spielbergs agent is. Its a collective entity
called the Creative Artists Agency, which is a company that represents a lot
of hot mainstream talent. I dont know how Id ever go about getting a
place like that to represent me, or even how to land a job as an indie or
mainstream filmmaker. I think Id rather be mainstream, for some reason.
Im not sure if Ill ever get an agent. It depends on who I want to sell some
of my work for me. Myself or someone else?

Now about getting ideas: There are plenty of ways to get ideas for me.
Sketching, traveling, research, surfing the Internet, reading magazines,
watching the news, watching movies and reading comic books, and spending
time with the people I know.

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The best way to get into movies is probably by making movies and just
doing it, getting the hang of it, getting a job at a movie studio, etc.

I dont think Id have too hard of a time writing an artistic statement for my
work. I do a lot of writing, so that shouldnt be too hard for me. You simply
talk about your approach, your work, your inspirations and influences, and
other such things. It seems as if art has become my true driving passion once
again, and not writing. What a surprise! This kicks quite a bit of arse.

I have to work for another 5 hours at work today. How sad. Oh well. Enough
with the self-pity! Ill survive somehow. Theres no better way to ruin a
great week than by having to go into a horrible job like Im about to do.

Well now. Lets talk about business, shall we? Two definite factors that can
sell a product are tenacity and charisma. One thing that almost always will
sell is an innovative product thats also of quality.

When it comes to God, I find it rather difficult to buy into believing in your
traditional Christian God, because there seem to be too many flaws in that
Gods conception and the reasoning behind the proof. It seems like a bit of a
fallacy to me (i.e. a God that punishes and sends you to hell for being evil,
not a Christian, or for disbelief). Also, God would have had to be quite
lonely before he created the universe and all sentient beings living within it.
Im more of an evolution person myself. I still have yet to read my copy of
The Origin of a Species by Charles Darwin, though. That theory is so
complex, long and scientific that even for someone who supports it, it can be
tough for some to completely comprehend it and analyze it if you dont have
a degree. Even though I havent read it yet, I still assume it has to be at least
a little more lucid than the Bible. I keep wondering how the cosmos was
created, though. It was probably started by gases and molecules mixing and
exploding.

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Now that I think about it, all the big words in the English language have
been used before in one way or another. So therefore, I believe when
writing, its more of a matter of using them differently and originally. The
same goes for plots. The majority of them have been done before, but theres
always new ways to do them.

There are three stages of consciousness: The sleeping stage (near

formlessness), and the waking stage (the slow manifestation of form), and
the fully awake stage (intrinsic perception of form), or something similar to
this.

Some of my role models include Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King
Jr., simply for the fact that in their struggles, they always managed to
emphasize non-violent resistance as a response to injustice and oppression.

I think Im going to get to the drawing table very soon. Lets say about five
minutes from now. It shouldnt be that hard to do. I also just got done
meditating not too long ago, and I stayed in a meditative position for quite a
while (at least by my standard). Roughly about 20 minutes, give or take a
few minutes, and I feel much better because of this. My mind felt more
relaxed and stronger in spirit. Aspects that represent my personality include
relaxed, kind, wise, moral, creative, happy, caring and compassionate. I try
to embrace these aspects to the best of my ability. Im trying my best to
diminish my negative mental aspects and become a very moral human being.

Whatever I have, maybe the word genius is not the proper term. Maybe a
more accurate term would be universal perception, transhuman
consciousness, or intellectual or creative awakening. I may not be a
genius at all.

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If I werent trying to create fresh and creative entertainment, I think I might

want to be a spiritual guru of some sort, but I dont believe Im worthy of
that title. I have too many flaws, and I dont think the spiritual paradigm Id
set would be of a high enough moral caliber. Im not flawless, Im not
perfect, and I still suffer. Im human too, just like everyone else.

Always looking to think deeply about things and am always looking to

transcend my previous lines of personal perception. But also, a lot of my
theories and philosophies (if they even deserve to be called that) tend to
revolve around certain topical pillars (and I mean pillars in the symbolic
sense, but thats quite obvious). Those pillars, more often than not, tend to
be nothing more than basic universal humanistic values. Its often as simple
as that. Sometimes the things I say seem a lot more complex than they really
are.

Never going to be better than my heroes. But there is something else I can
do. I can attempt to live up to the creative and craftsmanship standard that
they all have set for future generations of entertainers.

As for anime and anthropomorphic characters, some of its good, some of

its great, and a lot of it is total crap. I have to say off the bat that Sailor
Moon is just not good. The animation is so goddamn redundant. They use
the same recycled animation for the attacks in almost every episode. Thats
not what real anime should be like. Dragonball Z is somewhat better. The
animation is good, but the story is pretty awful. Its redundant in the same
way Sailor Moons animation is redundant. The anime I do like include
Akira, Ghost in the Shell, Tenchi Muyo, Tenchi Universe, Gundam Wing,
Neon Genesis Evangelion, and Ninja Scroll. If I ever reach a certain level of
public recognition, Ill probably get asked if I like anime, what type of
anime do I like, what kind of artists and writers influence and inspire me,
and what type of comic books and movies I watch, as well as whos my

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agent, and how did I get published. The same questions a whole boatload of
other artists get asked, probably on a daily basis.

Cant say enough how much I like artists like Jamie Hewlett, Yoshitaka
Amano, Robert Crumb, Will Eisner, Burne Hogarth, Gustav Klimt, Tim
Burton, Frank Cho, Terry Moore, Hiroaki Samura, Walt Disney, Paul Pope,
Paul Chadwick, Frank Miller, Yoshitoshi ABe, Vincent Van Gogh,
Leonardo Da Vinci, Norman Rockwell, Glen Keane, Edgar Degas, and
Chuck Jones. If someone gives praise to my work or I, they should give
praise to those artists as well, because these artists shaped a lot of how my
modern art looks today and how it will eventually look in the future, and of
course future artists that I discover in the future will be added as well.
Michelangelo, for line quality and anatomy, will most likely be added in the
future. Same goes of Dean Cornwell. But then again, Im also inspired by
writers like Brian Michael Bendis, Alan Moore, Stephen King, Will Eisner,
Terry Moore, and Ken Wilber, and we cant forget bands like Radiohead,
Nirvana, the Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer, and Elvis Costello.

I just went to a website about Japanese cinema, and man do some of the
Japanese know how to make film. I found some new techniques on the
website I visited which I have picked up. Cool: A new technique to add to
my arsenal. They involve low camera angles and the color red. Also, on
working with big companies: Just because I work with a big company, in my
opinion, does not automatically categorize me as a sellout. Its when I do
what I do simply for the fame, the money or the women: Thats when Im a
sellout. I think whether or not someone is a sellout has quite a bit to do with
their mindset and not necessarily what company they work with, if they
work with a company at all. It doesnt matter that much, as long as you make
an innovative product of quality. Thats all that really matters. Just because I
make more money than someone else whos also creative does not confirm
that my intentions are any less noble and wise. I definitely have my heart set
on eventually learn how to paint and to direct films. Writing the screenplays
shouldnt be too hard.

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I worked at my job today and it didnt go too badly.

Now about business: running a business involves buying advertising time,

investing in stocks, promoting your work, hiring, business plans, taxes,
financial analysis of your company (to see how well your sales figures are
doing and to see if you lost or gained money). The key is having a strong
product as well as good advertising, but sometimes a good and innovative
product will succeed brilliantly with very little aid from advertising or with
no advertising aid at all. It happens all the time.

You know, I think Im beginning to have a better understanding of my place

in the world, but not completely. It used to really bother me, not knowing
where my future was headed, but now Im becoming accustomed to the
unpredictability and ambiguity. Im actually starting to like it that way,
because I know one way or another, good things lie over the horizon.
Acknowledging this aspect of my life is truly a beautiful thing for me. One
thing I do know is that I keep getting more proficient as I get older. Im
getting smarter, more creative, and more proficient or skilled at my multiple
crafts. My health isnt as good, though. I dont really do sports anymore. My
love life is pretty non-apparent, but that just might change one day.

In the past few days I havent written many observations. Ive been too busy
talking about technical stuff. You know, sorting out technique and all that.
Its good to know that I have a plan set up. I have theory and performance,
or at least a plan to approach improving performance.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 35

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July 2001

When youre directing a film, you have to concentrate on a lot of different

things. Andy S. wants me to help him write a mini-film. Ill gladly help him
write it, and once I get the whole plot down or part of it from him, aside
from drawing, Ill work on writing it and developing the plot as soon as I
can. The thing is, there is one valuable opportunity that can be had by me
from this. I could possibly get a chance to contact this producer he knows
and then maybe Id have a contact, and I just might have my foot in the
writing and directing door of Hollywood, which might give me the
opportunity to write screenplays for movies and eventually direct films. Of
course, what hes telling me about what he knows could be nothing more
than BS.

I think there have been three big geek events with big openings and long
lines. They are the box office opening of George Lucass much anticipated
Star Wars: Episode 1, the opening day retail sales of Playstation 2 (which
was and still is a very cool system), and the upcoming San Diego Comic
Con International, which starts this Friday (maybe one day Ill be able to
attend this con as a creator). When the geeks go out to buy a product that
they want, theyll go all out. Thats for sure, often causing long lines, and
camping out. So Im wondering what the next big cultural event will be.
Maybe Ill create a cultural event one day. I dont know. It would be nice if I
could. Comic books arent as popular as they used to be. Comic books (the
most popular ones about 10 years ago) used to be able to sell around 7
million copies of a single issue in 1 month. Now on a good month Marvel
can sell about 400,000 copies of a single issue on a good month. I wonder
what caused the drop-off. I dont know what Id do if I went to a booth to
sign a book or comic book of mine for fans and there were 1,000 people or
more waiting in line just to do things like get my signature, a sketch, ask me
a question or get their picture taken with me, because Ive attended the
signings of others and Ive seen people do these things.

The rest of my family lacks compassion. I definitely need to get some

exercise soon. My stomach is too big. Its big and flabby.

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In the 70s the most popular music was disco. In the 80s new wave music
ruled. During the 90s there was a whole bunch of different genres breaking
through into the mainstream. Rap, hip-hop, R&B, punk, rock/rap, nu-metal,
alternative rock, rock, and pop. Alternative rock has become the new rock
and roll.

If there were one character Id like to reinvent, my first choice would have to
be Thor, the god of thunder. He seems kind of lame on the surface to me, but
its possible to make him interesting again. I think a lot of what makes the
book unappealing now is bad writing. Ghost Rider could use some working
also. The other titles I can think of that could use or even need work are
probably the Batman titles and The Incredible Hulk. I still have to check out
Kevin Smiths rendition of Green Arrow to see if its well written or badly
written. Its drawn by Phil Hester, and his artwork isnt always the best. He
drew The Coffin better than it looks like he drew Green Arrow.

Spiderman, Daredevil and Punisher have all turned into excellent titles with
a lot of thanks due to Kevin Smith, Brian Michael Bendis, and Garth Ennis
with inventive plots and dialogue.

Im not sure what to write about. I do consider myself a theist, but on the
celebatheists.com message board, I posted a rather lengthy atheistic
statement.
Moving on: Currently there seem to be three types of consciousness that I
acknowledge the existence of. They include constant, cosmic, and altered.
Perhaps Ill analyze all three of them one day. For me, currently, Im having
a hard time deciding what the difference is between transconsciousness and
integral consciousness.

Im going to be leaving with my mother to go to the comic book store fairly

soon.

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I think in about eight minutes Im going to be off the computer in one way
or perhaps another and will either watch television or meditate.

Perhaps I should take it upon myself to analyze the nature of the sage and
the cosmos. Not kidding here. I think I really should. I could analyze each of
them 50 times and that still wouldnt be enough. The thirst for knowledge is
constantly insatiable. If the thirst was satiated, then the mere human being
who acquired the satiation shall have reached an intellectual zenith of their
consciousness and would transcend all pre-existing mental barriers, thus
reaching omniscience. Perhaps that person would then become a sage
himself, or even an intellectual god, or perhaps even a transgenius. Its very
tough to define existence, being, and nothingness. Jean Paul-Sartre did it
quite well. He was a true genius. Im only a genius on a certain level. His
genius was working on an entirely different level which was far above mine.
Entertainers who have created occasional plot moments that contain a short
monologue of depth, from what Ive discovered are Jhonen Vasquez and
Kevin Smith.

I drew on the easel in charcoal earlier today. That was pleasant. Im

definitely noticing some progress in the area of construction and seeing a
drawing for its three-dimensional qualities.

Ken Wilber is right. There seems to be quite a bit of intellectual laziness in

contemporary culture or society, regardless of country or nationality.

Now about writing a novel. Its not going to be easy. It has to be very
realistic, and have a realistic setting. Also need to practice writing different
situations a lot more. The funny thing is that I have a feeling many others
have and will run into the same type of problem Im having right now and
will be having for a while. A lot of novels seem to be very left-brained in
nature, what with very realistic things and people that theyre about. I drove
some today also with my mother in the car. Many people I talk to seem to be
simply shocked that Im late into being 17 years old and still only have a
permit. Ha! I dont really mind all that much. It doesnt bother me. I drove to
pick up my schedule from the supermarket and then drove back home. I

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walked into the grocery store, went up to the customer service booth, and
Jessica, one of my head managers, asked politely what I was there for. To
pick up my check, I replied. That was wrong. I wasnt paying attention. She
began looking for my check when I quickly corrected myself and told her
No, Im here to pick up my schedule instead. Sorry about that. Another
one of my coworkers, Gabe, quickly told me that hes done the same thing
too before.

So lets see. I drew first, I drove for a little bit, and now Im writing. Soon
Ill be doing a couple other things like reading, meditating and going to my
life drawing class once again at the Crealde art school. I dont really have a
lot of trouble with the gesture drawings. Its just that sometimes I get
discouraged by the hour-long pose, which we usually draw during the last
hour of class. Im forced to sit there until I come up with something Im
pleased with, which is good, because it gets me to stay there for more than
ten or twenty minutes, which is usually how long I draw for during a typical
day at my own drawing desk, which is in my room.

I just got back from my newest life drawing class, and I believe I did rather
well. Rima Jabbur taught me a new rendering technique for shading the
figure. When Im shading the figure, she said I did a good job of spotting the
areas and clumps of areas that are going to be shaded darkly before I shade
them. In other words she said I have good tonal composition skills. This is a
skill I didnt even realize I had until she pointed it out to me. One new
technique she showed me was how to shade the drawing to get it to look
more three-dimensional. What you do is when you see a part where the
muscles go in or out, you go back and forth with the pencil as if youre
molding the pencil marks and shades to the shape of that body part, except
youre doing it on paper. Its tough to explain without showing a visual
example. Let me think here. What I mean is that if the thigh is curving
outward and going towards you, you model the pencil lines so that they
make the same motion and go in the same direction, mimicking the form in a
way, which makes the shading marks also look like theyre going toward
you. In other words, I shouldnt add tones so that I making them with lines
that just go straight back and forth in a flat way, which is what I used to do
until I learned this new technique. I should mold the lines and marks to the
shape of the body or object.

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Im still having some problems with proportions though. I just need to keep
working on it. The more I work on it, the better Ill get. The act of drawing
well can actually be a very scientific act, but at times its also intuitive,
therapeutic, and emotive.

Well, I was just looking through some of my old drawings, and Im seeing a
lot of progress in the way I approach drawing in general. Im more
conscious of the different aspects involved in the basics of drawing. I have a
much stronger, less stiff, and sounder approach now than I did two or three
years ago.

Last night when I was at my life drawing class, a British woman there
recommended that I check out some of the museums in Europe, should I
ever go there. She recommended the Tate Museum and the National
Museum, both in London. Those are two of the bigger ones. She also
recommended the world famous Louvre (pronounced loo-vray) in Paris,
France. I would absolutely love to go to Europe to study art more in depth.
South America and Japan would be good also. So lets see. The four best
countries for me to go to, to study art would be America, Europe, Japan, and
South America. All are excellent places to go. Places to study writing would
be America, Britain, France, and Ireland. Germany has spawned many
geniuses also, including Beethoven, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and Albert
Einstein. Its spawned some kooks like Adolf Hitler, but there are more good
important people coming out of that country than there are bad. I have made
a vow to one day tour this country (the US) and maybe even possibly the rest
of the world, but that would be quite a culture shock. Actually, just visiting a
different state than Florida is a culture shock. I think its going to be a lot
different living in California and New York. California has beautiful
beaches, Los Angeles, cool record stores, agents, lots of comic book shops
and conventions, plenty of great art schools (like Cal Arts), animation
studios, Hollywood, movie studios, book publishing companies, and Slave
Labor Graphics publishing. This is just the beginning. It probably has quite a
few good book stores and art supply stores also. The truth is that there are a
lot of workers in Los Angeles. There just arent very many hard workers.
Thats sad, but good for me because that might mean that thered be less

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competition for me. That would be nice. It might mean that Id have an
easier time making more money and becoming more respected. Im still
trying to figure out what New York has. It has radio and television shows
galore, and literary book publishing houses, but Im not sure what else. I like
Orlando. Ill say that. I dont like Seminole County or Casselberry very
much. I think Ill be glad when I get to move out of this town. Ill be so
thankful. If youre an award-winning, multi-millionaire creative celebrity
living in California (like Steven Spielberg) and your work is distributed
internationally, all over the world, youre practically king of the entire
world! But youre also recognized and asked to sign your name nearly
everywhere you go.

Im definitely planning on drawing and working on my portfolio piece

today. I dont have a choice. I have to work on these things. I dont care how
much I protest. Theres going to come a point today where Im going to have
to throw myself off of the computer and get to work drawing for a couple
hours (perhaps 2 or 3), if not more than that.

People always say it takes a lot of luck to be successful in the entertainment

business, but now Im beginning to have my doubts as to whether or not that
theory is true. Im beginning to wonder if it just takes knowing people in the
business and smart commercial planning. You have to know whats on and
what will be on the publics consciousness. If you write about what many
people are thinking and have experienced, then why wouldnt the majority
of them enjoy your work if you present it in an original, well done, and
innovative way? How can you fail when you apply that method? Im
beginning to doubt that you actually can.

I havent talked about buying things in a long time, which is a very good
sign, because it says that Im one step ahead of the disadvantage and
hindrance that is attachment to worldly things.

I strongly believe that the soul and spirit are not delusions of the mind, but
that they truly do exist from the point of birth to the point of death until
theyre reincarnated into a separate body. I dont believe that God should be

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classified as a mental disease. Thats far too liberal and technical of an

approach. Science wont acknowledge God and the soul unless their
existence is verified traditionally, or more specifically scientifically. This
can be quite a self-defeating approach in some regards, simply because of
the fact that science sometimes wants to kill off anything that isnt
illuminated by worldly form. In a way this approach is trying to say that
anything illuminated by trans-worldly forms simply does not exist because
living eyes cannot physically see it and easily identify it. The majority of
people had the same disbelief and skepticism about space and germs before
telescopes and microscopes were invented or when only a few had the
chance to look through them. I think once science and spirit can go hand in
hand, people would not be so skeptical about one of them, but that may
never happen considering the way spirit may exist. Now self-serving
spirituality and theism can make people quite arrogant if theyre taken the
wrong way by some people, which is why you have to be quite careful when
youre choosing what type of spirit and what type of God to believe in.

I would like to be like Ben Stein and know a bunch of academic facts, but I
know thats probably not going to happen right away. Guess Ill just keep
working on drawing, writing, spiritual practice, philosophy and deep
thought, and memorizing an academic fact here or there along the way.

I was just looking through some of my old alternative comics, and I found
very little substance in them, even though their design sense, for the most
part, was exceptional. The writing was just so-so. It kind of makes me
wonder why I spend so much on comics each year. The manga title Blade of
the Immortal is a true contemporary masterpiece from the east. Its easily
one of the best comic books Ive ever read as far as draftsmanship,
composition, and storytelling. In my opinion, it comes very close to being
flawless.

Ill be drawing soon. Around 5:30 or so probably. I would have liked to of

gotten to drawing sooner, but I kind of got carried away writing on this
computer. I thought up a lot of cool things to write about today, so I guess
its okay.

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Not sure what else to write about now, but Ill probably think of something
soon. All I can think of is the fact that Im going to try my best to be doing a
lot of decent drawing during this evening. Currently listening to Radioheads
Amnesiac CD.

There arent very many good shows on television right now. There only
seem to be a few. Thats funny. I just got the latest issues of Wizard and
Animation Magazine all in one day. Theyll often arrive on the same day.
Maybe its merely a coincidence. Or maybe all the magazine sender-outers
do their send-outing on the same days each month. Maybe theres an entire
magazine send-outer synchronized revolution going on.

Ive been looking at some online websites made by artists who are
displaying their artwork. There truly is some amazing stuff out there that I
just found out about. It makes me want to get to drawing, and Im going to
very soon. I just felt as if I had to write something in this journal before I got
to work. Im probably not going to write much because I really want to get
to work drawing. Plus I have to go to the art store today to get more supplies
for my life drawing class. There are certain good contemporary and classic
artists to study, like Hiroaki Samura, Yoshitaka Amano, Kosuke Fujishima,
Yoshitoshi ABe, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto, Katsuhiro Otomo, Frank Cho, Bill
Waterson, Terry Moore, Jamie Hewlett, Bruce Timm, Jhonen Vasquez, Tim
Burton, Peter Chung, Pat Lee, Will Eisner, Burne Hogarth, David Mack, Jim
Mahfood, Evan Dorkin, Roman Dirge, Chynna Clugston-Major, Gustav
Klimt, Glen Keane, Chuck Jones, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Van Gogh, John
Buscema, Robert Crumb, Dave Sim, Jeff Smith, Moebius, Edgar Degas,
Picasso, and many other Renaissance artists and European artists from the
1800s.

Im not certain on what to write about. All I can think to say is that I enjoy
the writing on Brads Anglfire.com hosted website. Some of the more recent
entries in his guestbook claim that hes a genius. Perhaps thats true and
perhaps it isnt. There was an amazing entry in the guest book, though. One
girl read his writing and it saved her life. This truly seems like an Internet
miracle. She had abusive people in her life and was on the verge of suicide.

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She took a gun up to her room with the intent of ending her own life, until
she went onto the Internet, found his site, and when she read his writing and
it made her realize that life is worth living. That was truly amazing. Right
now I can only wish I had a website that affected people that profoundly.
Perhaps I will one day. Life is worth living. Existence unto itself is truly an
awarding experience. To feel nothing is to abstain from contentment and
happiness, and when we lose sight of happiness, we lose sight of lifes
precious meaning. No joking. I havent found it that hard to analyze depth
and profoundness. Its kind of like a second nature now. Learning the
language of wisdom was somewhat like learning a second language to me.
This world is obviously filled with suffering, and to relieve a large amount
of suffering not only from myself, butfirst and foremostfrom other
people is reason enough for me to cherish my existence. Compassion gives
my life meaning. Love out of attachment is not true love, but universal love
out of compassion is true love. Buddha himself was known to have preached
upon this type of love. The universal love. He did not put preaching his
religion above preaching altruistic compassion. Im not trying to convert.
Im merely trying to comfort. If I ever become enlightened before I die, Im
not sure what Id do then. Id want to help other people probably. It doesnt
matter what path a person takes. It doesnt matter if they practice Zen
Buddhism or Tibetan Buddhism or some other religion that isnt Buddhist at
all. What matters is that they find deep happiness and/or acknowledge the
simple truth. Maybe Im trying too hard to be a sage or saint here. Im not
trying to be perfect and Im not trying to be a sage or saint. Im just trying to
be enlightened. There is no way I can instantaneously deconstruct or
transcend all of my flaws. To be flawed is to simply be human, and that is
obviously okay. Very few people in the course of history have been perfect
from the start. I think its quite possible that Jesus Christ could have actually
existed as a living sage, but I seriously doubt that hed of had any of the
supernatural powers hes depicted in the Bible of having. Most likely a sage,
but obviously not really the son of God. Most likely a false prophet in my
opinion. I would like to learn more about the Hindu and Tao religions as
well. I do want to be infinitely compassionate and altruistic as well as
egoless. Im finding it very tough to get rid of all my ego and hatred, even
though I want to desperately. I enjoy being modest and humble. I also enjoy
being a potential genius. My artwork and writing are far from being perfect.
They can always use a lot of improving. Im still learning about the laws of
karma and the Buddha Dharma also.

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I wonder if ghosts have ever existed in my house. Ive never felt the
presence of ghosts in this house. As far as I know, no one was murdered here
and no one died here mysteriously, thank God. I dont believe in that
supernatural wicked hoo-hawky type stuff, so I dont suppose it matters.

Im starting to feel down again. Thats not good. Ive been talking about all
these things that seem wonderful to me, but Im feeling down? Im not sure
why this is. I dont understand myself sometimes. It will probably wear off
soon. Maybe I just need to have a little more faith in the power of my mind.
Either that or maybe I just need to get the fuck off of the computer. Ive
worked hard enough today. I can rest. I think its lifting. The dark cloud is
dispersing. The depression is relinquishing its grasp on my brain. The
suffering is going away, even though I dont know why it was there in the
first place. Its late at night right now anyway.

If I cant think up much to write about in the next thirty minutes, Ill go draw
right away. Ill most likely start drawing around 11 or 12 this afternoon.

Right now Im listening to Mozart. About a minute ago I was listening to

They Might Be Giants. I used to like them, but I dont think I really do that
much anymore. I was listening to the TMBG CD more for memory than
enjoyments sake. When I was about 13 years old and in middle school, I
absolutely loved TMBG and Primus. Now I dont think I can really stand to
listen to a lot of each one. Primus newest album, Antipop, sucked big time
when compared to their older heyday masterpieces Tales From the
Punchbowl or Sailing The Seas Of Cheese. I bought Antipop, and I felt it had
to have been one of the most horrible albums Ive ever heard. At least
Weezer still makes good music. They replaced Primus as my favorite heavy
alternative rock band. Their music seems much more timeless and melodic,
which is why I like it so much. I used to like something fast paced and
funky, but now Im more prone to love the timeless and melodic, probably
because Im getting older. They Might Be Giants is definitely one of those
bands that you eventually grow out of as you get older, for most people
anyways. A persons tastes in entertainment, clothing, etc. tend to change, as
they get older and more mature. I used to like Jhonen Vasquez comics,
Spawn comics and Stephen King novels a lot more than I do now. I used to

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like Mystery Science Theatre 3000 quite a bit more than I do now as well.
Maybe Ill grow out of anime one day also. Im more into higher art and
deeper thinking, but I think the deeper moments featured in the work of
Jhonen Vasquez helped lead me into that mode.

I was just visiting some websites featuring articles written on his holiness,
the Dalai Lama (Im pretty sure hes known as the 14th). He always places
emphasis on compassion, love, and kindness. I would love to speak with him
one day, but unless Im an important celebrity, Im pretty positive that thats
never going to happen, so Ill just have to be content simply hearing his
words through the media and books. He truly is one of my role models. Him,
Ken Wilber, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and of course the Buddha
whose nature and teaching I have slowly learned to take refuge in, thus
accumulating a decent amount of good karma. I dont think Ill ever be an
aficionado on Tibetan Buddhism or Zen Buddhism, although I am a very
dedicated spiritual practitioner. I try my very best to see the good nature in
all people, but its definitely not easy sometimes. I lack compassionate
thoughts sometimes, and it makes me feel bad when I do, although I try my
best not to beat myself up over it. Its not productive to beat yourself up over
mistakes youve made which you cant change or have no control over. The
truly surprising thing is that Im an agnostic whos actually happy. Despite
my overall skepticism over the concept of God, Im still relatively happy. I
also try not to make things too complicated for myself. I try to be the best I
can be, and I always try to let other people come before myself. A path of
simplicity is often the best path, and that path of simplicity can sometimes
lead to profoundness. Im always trying to diminish my arrogance, even if I
dont have much. This is because arrogance practically always slows me
down and/or complicates things for me. I realize that even my enemies, the
ones I might have now or make in the future, have the right to attain
happiness. They have just as much of a right as I do.

I drew earlier today. I also had to go to my day job.

A persons belief of lack of belief in a God is not directly responsible for

their ability to find happiness. We are all the masters of our own destiny. We
can all create our own paths. Im talking too much. I need to shut up.

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Its early in the morning as this is being written. I believe Im going to

meditate soon (in the morning for a change). Maybe I can keep up the
meditation and prayer practice session for thirty minutes this time if I try real
hard. Not too long ago I did it for twenty minutes. Most types of meditation,
such as Zen practices, are real work. Its like exercise or sports. You have to
keep at it. Meditation is a sport, actually. Someone who can meditate well
for more than an hour each day has a strong mind. I have no doubt about
this. Tibetan lamas have very strong minds. There are four things I tend to
do everyday recently, or at least every other day. They are writing in this
journal, drawing (either at my easel or at my drawing table), meditating, and
surfing the Internet. I dont really watch television, watch movies, play
videogames, or listen to music all that much. I certainly hardly ever listen to
talk radio (the talk show hosts are too self-absorbed. Id rather talk to my
family than listen to some egotist talk!) The thing I do most out of those four
things is listen to music. More recently Ill usually only listen to music if its
for the purpose of helping me to do or achieve something, such as writing on
the computer or falling asleep. So I guess my collection of over 70 CDs
never turned out to be that useful after all. 70 mostly good CDs, I might add.
Some of them I have definitely gotten bored with or grown to dislike over
time. It happens. Its invariable that tastes change. As a matter of fact, just
recently my brother has admitted to me in the car that hes slowly easing
away from rap music. For me, hearing that was a beautiful moment. To me,
not much is more uplifting to my optimism (although I kind of lie when I
say not much) than hearing my own brother or anyone say that theyre
listening to rap music.

I rejoice when I hear rap music is losing patronage. I honestly do. The
rappers make enough money as it is. Its not like they need to get richer. It
would be nice if they gave some of their money away to charity. Its funny.
With all the suffering in this world and all the people that are doing worse
than them financially, its saddening to think that theyd rather spend the
majority on their money on selfish personal worldly indulgences such as
Bentleys, alcohol, mansions, drugs, and sex, especially when many of them
witness first hand the atrocious acts that are committed in the ghettos of
America. That and partaking in criminal acts, even after theyve made
enough money to get themselves out of the ghetto. I dont think the fact that
they grew up in a bad area and negative environment is enough justification

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to spend ridiculous amounts of money on themselves and themselves only,

as well as pollute the minds of impressionable contemporary youth when
there is already so much suffering (both mental and physical) in the world.
At least John Lennon, Bill Gates, Moby and Tom Hanks give to charity and
this world, rather than simply taking from the world like rappers do, but I
suppose that can be said about any entertainers. Maybe I shouldnt cop out
on justice and simply blame rappers for all things bad in the world. After all,
theyre only part of all things bad in the world. Besides, theyre not the only
ones that contribute to this problem. I think Ill be different than the majority
of rappers. If I make a lot of money, Ill do my best to give a lot of it away
to charities and whatnot. Speaking in symbolism, if the rappers are the
prostitute, the record companies, agents, and producers are the pimp. When
you think about it, dont blame the workers; blame the system and the
workers mentalities. Dont hate the player; hate the game that encourages
the player.

I predict that Tim Burtons newest movie, titled Planet of the Apes (the
remake) will do very, very well at the box office. It hasnt been released yet,
but its creating quite a stir and nearly everyone Ive talked to whos heard
about it wants to go see it. I predict that it will quite possibly be the biggest
movie of this summer, and I also predict it will gross at least $180 million at
the box office in this country alone. One sad fact is that Atlantis didnt even
make $100 million at the box office. Disney has lost a ton of money in the
past year alone. Im sure business will eventually pick up for Disney
animation and the company in general.

Some counter culture people claim that the government as well as politicians
is bad, and that society or social conformists are whats bad about this
country. The government is evil theyll say, or society is a bunch of
sheep or robots, when if fact theyre actually conforming to a type of
liberal bigotry of their own by assuming that there is no right view, except
their view, there is no superior view (except their view), which is a rather
big contradiction unto itself. You cant win with those types of views. If you
think negatively about the majority of other people in general and dont
believe in anyone other than yourself, the majority of your time is bound to
be spent being unhappy. Why spend all that time dedicated to yourself when
there is no self. There is only existence and the cosmos (which includes
everything in it). Sure the government has been known to do a few corrupt

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thinglike Watergate and the Starr Report scandalsome politicians are

corrupt (like Pat Buchanan), some cops are racist, some conformists are
arrogant, a certain amount of society is amoral, but its not right to
generalize about all members of a party because of a few infamous bad
examples. Doing so is wrong. If you do that, you yourself are in the process
of using stereotypes, in the same way certain police officers use racial
stereotypes of African Americans, which can become a certain level of
hypocrisy itself. Were all interdependent on one another, so we might as
well learn to get along. I couldnt hunt all my food, build my own computer,
sow all my clothes together, construct my own car, or write all the books I
enjoy reading so much. Other people had to do these things. I couldnt have
done them all myself no matter how much I would want to.

There are some weird people on the Internet. I go into the Oni Press forum
or message boards, places I love very much with the exception of right now
and I find two very strange posters. One person went on a bitter rant and I
couldnt tell where the heck he was going. Another person was putting some
annoying diatribe that had no direction or rhythm at all. I wrote a pretty
vulgar response, but that post needed one. Those had to have been some of
the worst posts on forums Ive ever seen in my life so far. Maybe a lot of my
fan mail will sound like that. I sure hope not, though. Some people write
things (often very angry things) when in fact they have nothing to say at all.
I dont like getting in verbal battles on message boards, but its happened
once or twice before.

Earlier today after I wrote in my journal for a while, I meditated for I dont
know how long and I also drew some sketches (bad ones I might add) on the
new huge, and I do mean HUGE sketchpad I bought with my father a couple
days ago.

Also, I believe my dads probably going to pick up the new re-released

Akira DVD special edition on his way to work. Heck yeah! I cant wait until
later tonight. Its a two-disc set.

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Im probably not going to write much after this. I want to get to drawing, but
Im not sure if Ill do that today.

All right. This is getting scary. Time is running out until I only have four
months to get my shit together (i.e. my portfolio). This is not very much
time! I should have worked hard earlier. I think I pretty much have two
choices. Cal Arts, which is all the way over in California, or the Art Institute
of Fort Lauderdale. Each of them has their own advantages, so I think it will
be okay to go to either one of them. Im beginning to have doubts about
going to the School of Visual Arts, which is located in New York City,
somewhere in Manhattan. For one thing its in the heart of New York City,
and very busy and fierce place indeed. Im not sure if I could contend with
living BY MYSELF for four years in New York City, a huge city where I
dont really know anyone. It would be tough navigating by myself through
New York at first. I have to think seriously here. California might be more
right for me, but I hear they work you very, very hard in Cal Arts. Sleep
becomes a luxury in college, or so Im told. Living in Valencia, California,
for four years might be nice. That would probably be easier to adjust to, but
Id still be in a primarily foreign state. Still, it has to have one of the highest
and most prestigious employment ratios out of any art school in the world,
and the alumni list is hypnotic in a way, because it has so many famous
names. It is located in the center of American cultureCalifornia, near Los
Angelesthough, which is where a lot of national celebrities grew up and
work in. A lot of getting into Cal Arts depends on what kind of shit I crank
out for my portfolio in the next FOUR (yes I said four) months! And of
course theres the wallet draining loans or $20,000 or $30,000 per year. Now
there are quite a few advantages to going to the Art Institute of Fort
Lauderdale. Its in Florida, which is not too foreign to me, and my good
friend as well as ex-art instructor Phil is the head guy there! So Id have
someone to talk to and help me out if I got into trouble. And its not
hundreds of miles away from home, so it would be easier to visit. I have to
remember however. In college four years can seem like an eternity. Maybe if
I wrote a best seller, it would make things easier, or at least financially it
would. I dont have very much money. I also need to think real hard about
Frank Chos advice. Its not the college you go to that matters. Its what you
put in it. So Im going to need to work really hard at these life-drawing
classes. Basically I need to learn to stand on my own two feet really fast and
learn to walk. I cant rely on luck or even faith in God right now. That would
be too risky. Maybe I really am kind of scared about moving out on my own.

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Im going to be on my own one day and I need to learn to be prepared for it

and deal with it. Right now this is a very scary time for me. Im going to
have to adjust in such a short amount of time and I hope I can do it. Not sure
I actually can, to be quite honest. I think now would be a good time to pray
or meditate. Whichever would be more effective.

Why the hell am I even on the computer today? I realize Im not anywhere
near being an angel, saint or sage, but Im pretty convinced that I was put on
this earth to transcend the entrapments of being an antisocial intellectual to
become an altruistic semi-genius, which on a certain level I have already
become. I only say this because I noticed I have very high levels of
perception and creativity and Im often selflessly devoted to the well being
of other people, such as my family, some people on the Internet, and people
at work (since these are really the only people I can reach so far). The trees
of a once entirely pure Tibet are being wiped out, since China used up the
majority of its resources. Also millions of Tibetans are losing their rights.
Im completely behind the concept of a free Tibet. The Dalai Lama isnt an
actual living Buddha (I believe him when he says thats not true), but he
does seem to be this generations Buddha or Bodhisattva.

Well, Im back from Mrs. Jo Ann L. Cooks and late for getting to drawing
once again. Im going to start drawing around 2:30 or 3 this afternoon.
Whenever I feel like it. No pressure. All I need to do is to think how good
the archangel portfolio piece will look when its inked and finished
completely. Kick-ass! And after seeing a lot of other peoples rather good
artwork on the Internet in various websites, I realize theres a long time to go
until the drawings I do are that detailed. Oh well. Thats another indicator or
sign to work harder than I am right this moment.

For some reason, I dont like movies that involve tortured and mutilated
animals. I saw a story on the one of the local news stations about a woman
who fought to protect an endangered turtle species and one morning she
found one of those endangered turtles, lying dead and decapitated right in
front of her house. Who would be so amoral, self-centered, hateful, and
twisted as to do something so horrible? And why would they do it? The
person who did it obviously has some serious mental problems and is very

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mentally troubled. Theyre disturbed. I hope the police find them so they pay
their dues and have to spend time in jail. The act they committed was like
something straight out of a Stephen King novel.

I wonder how Paul Pope draws the way he does. Hes got to use some
special techniques to get some of his more fancy drawings done. He is one
of my artistic idols.

The next four months are not going to be easy. Im working my ass of in
those 4 months starting after the next 13 minutes, and to help myself make
change now, Ive taped a note to this computer screen, went through an
aggressive pep talk with my mom, and have the timer sitting here, so to keep
writing after all this would be a purely negligent and idiotic act. I know its
not going to happen. I have too many traps to stop myself from being
hypnotized by this damn computer again. I need to find more creative ways
to yank myself off this computer. Cool! I just drew a doodle on my note to
give myself a head start. And after Im at the drawing table, Im keeping my
ass in that chair for as long as I physically can. Im going to do my best to
draw at the table and my easel even after my ass or arm start to hurt, and
after I cant even think up anything to draw, but if I try hard enough Ill
definitely be able to find something to spend a lot of time on drawing, even
if Im just copying stuff out of books, magazines and whatnot. Im doing a
good job by starting to train myself now. I think my new art motto should be
if I dont get it done and work my ass off on it right now, its never going to
get done, which is very true in many regards, especially for my portfolio
pieces. 6 minutes left. Kick ass. Im excited about the drawing session this
evening. Im getting back to working on inking the cyber-angel, and copying
a comic book page from my Paul Pope book. This computer truly is killing
my drawing stamina. I need to make a change now. Im not able to wait
anymore.

Well, feeling good about my self today. Very satisfied. I drew for two
hours or so today. It felt good. Didnt get to the portfolio piece, but got a lot
of other cool stuff done and can work on the inking tomorrow early
afternoon. I think I pretty much went on a Paul Pope emulating drawing
spree today. I copied his first page splash page, the back cover picture, and

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an entire page layout, which turned out very well. All from the Heavy Liquid
issue I own. The layout page had to be the best layout Ive done yet. I also
drew some stuff on a sketchpad in pen while watching the Go-Gos in a
concert being broadcasted on VH1.

Kind of in the mood to buy that James Brown album I heard at Park Ave
CDs a while ago. He is the God of dance music after all. Currently listening
to the Beastie Boys Pauls Boutique album and waiting for my dad to get
home with the Akira special edition DVD, if I can stay up that late. Actually,
theres no way I can stay up that late. I think Im going to go to bed now.

I bought some things today. Three comics, the Nirvana Bleach CD, and
this morning I opened the Akira double disc DVD special collectors edition
that my dad got for me last night! I looked through all the scenes a little bit
and got to see snippets of a lot of the extra features on disc two. The
voiceovers were different in the new version, but I think they went very well
with the animation, so I cant really complain about that. The Akira Special
Edition DVD is pure genius! Better than the overall DVD for Ghost in the
Shell because Akira had more features, although both films are equal in
quality as far as the actual films themselves go. The other DVDs I really
would like to own are The Stanley Kubrick Collection, The Nightmare
Before Christmas, Akira Kurosawa films, Alfred Hitchcock films, Fight
Club, the Monty Python television episodes, Saving Private Ryan, Good Will
Hunting, and Pulp Fiction. Im sure there are other ones, but their names
escape me. When Im 30 or older, Im determined to have one of the best
DVD collections ever!

Im going to be drawing soon, for hopefully at least two hours like

yesterday.

So there are a lot of contemporary entertainment things that also happen to

be good, which have come out recently. Theres the Akira DVD, the new
Weezer CD, Gorillaz, the new Travis CD, Samurai Jack from Genndy
Tartakovsky whos the creator of Dexters Laboratory, Brian Michael
Bendis, Frank Cho, Japanese manga, Invader ZIM, Toonami, Oni Press,

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Slave Labor Graphics, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, the

Justice League animated series on Cartoon Network coming soon.

I know Im going to write soon, but I would certainly like to think up

something to write about. A topic would be nice. Maybe I need to set the
timer again if I cant get myself off of the computer before 4 this afternoon,
because I need to start drawing earlier than that. I would also like to read my
Ken Wilber book again before the end of today. Heres some advice to
myself. Get to know editors, producers, agents, and animation or publishing
companies before you present them with an idea. Wait until they kind of
know you and what youre capable of, and wait until they go looking for
ideas before you go presenting series and stories ideas to them. Thats what
Im going to do, and I think Ive already started by sending emails to Jamie
S. Rich, started asking him questions and just kind of talking to him. Thats
how the big names get their starts, or at least I think so. Some people
strongly believe we as American artists can learn a lot from Japanese about
how to tell stories and make animation, films, and comic books, because the
Japanese can do all of these things better in certain ways, but America does
have its very strong and very weak points. I guess you could say the same
thing for some Japanese entertainment. Ive seen some thick manga
anthologies direct from Japan, that has texts, which are all in Japanese, and
the quality varies from comic to comic. Some are very strong and some are
very weak, but nonetheless, pretty much none of them even compare to the
Akira graphic novel and Blade of the Immortal. You could say the same
thing about many modern American comics as compared to Will Eisner and
Frank Miller. I also forgot to say that I absolutely love the Gorillaz music
video which is basically a well animated and innovative cartoon featured
none other than the Gorillaz themselves performing their single, Clint
Eastwood.

Well, Im going to be drawing around 3:40 this afternoon, and Im not sure
what Ill work on at the drawing table after then. Perhaps my portfolio piece
or more things out of the drawing books and comic books I own.

I usually write something interesting each day, but I guess I might not have
any insight or so-called wisdom for today. Im just kind of chilling out

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today. You know, being a normal human and all, going out with my brother,
eating at the local restaurant, Subs Unlimited, and going shopping for some
of my favorite things. I love shopping, even though its a bad habit of mine,
just like overeating is. I ate a twelve-inch meatball sub and a huge piece of
pepperoni pizza for lunch today. Despite all this worldly unspiritual excess,
my goal is still ultimate compassion and to be one with the world, cosmos
and all things therein. I dont feel deterred spiritually. I simply feel like Ive
been pausing for the past day. Primarily stagnating, but not receding,
progressing or transcending. My spiritual progress is probably similar to the
status of someones weight as they attempt to lose weight. The weight
fluctuates over time, just as the equilibrium of the soul fluctuates as time
progresses. As a matter of fact sometimes it even become unbalanced
discombobulated, and it staggers. The two paradigms of weight and the soul
are very similar in this regard. Im not sure what the word is that Im looking
for that also means two similar examples. I dont think parallel paradigms
would be an accurate linguistic interpretation. I wish I could write a book on
how to become egoless and transcend the ego.

I no longer think about one thing. I know Im capable of creating a creative

masterpiece. I know Ill be capable of it when Im an adult. Im pretty sure
Ill be able to one day be prolific, in my writing and art, as well as directing.
I want to create profound and universal pieces of work. They may never win
awards, but hopefully Ill be very pleased with the finished product. I have a
knack for analyzing some of the entertainment products that I really like and
figuring out partially what makes them so popular or respected. I believe
Jurassic Park III got such overall horrible critical reviews because it strayed
from Michael Chrichtons original creative zenith of a vision. In other
words, Lets get more away from the visionary science fiction theories and
go more towards the chase scenes and the dinosaurs-running-aroundmindlessly-and-killin-people type stuff, which is what the people will pay to
see! And pay they did. People flocked to see that movie in its first week,
and Im sure it will make a lot of money, but financial engulfment should
not be vindication enough to disguise a true motif, involving tastelessness,
ignorance, and lack of heart. Its obviously that film was created purely for
profit, and not for making a statement, which must have been why Spielberg
bailed out on it and produced it, but did not direct it, because he realized it
was such a horrible film. The second one strayed from the first one, but not
as far as the third one did. I wish that wasnt the case. As for my
interpretation of myself, dont really consider myself a visionary, though. I

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consider myself more of a person who hides substance, and what I hope to
be innovation behind good craftsmanship, or at least thats what Id like to
think I do.

I was reading all the reviews of the Akira DVD on Amazon.com, the
majority of them were very good, and for the most part people who have
watched the film just seem to get it. They understand how wonderful,
complex, and amazing it is. Bad reviews were very rare for some reason.
Probably because the film itself and the DVD were practically flawless, with
the exception of not including the original dubbed version, but thats quite
forgivable considering the entire package.

During my later and possibly more respected years, I think I might take up a
job as an illustrator, going the way of some of my heroes, Norman
Rockwell, Burne Hogarth, and Frank Cho. A comic book artist and an
illustrator are NOT the same thing. They both involve basic acquiring basic
storytelling skills, but one involves various sequential images and
juxtaposition, and the other does not. It may sound simple on the surface, but
I know for certain that its not. Id definitely want to do some huge
illustrated pieces for my parents to hang up on the wall of their house. When
I mean huge, I mean biggest type of sketchbook that I own. Huge. More than
half my own height and I am not a short person by any means. About 6 feet
tall.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 36

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July 2001

Ill probably draw around noon or one oclock today. I think that would be
early enough.

I havent suffered much lately. Maybe I should do a meditation exercise

today and concentrate on visualizing suffering in various forms, thus
preparing my mind for suffering, helping it to combat suffering when it
attacks me. You know, knowing my enemies fighting ability before I choose
to combat it and the like. That kind of thing.

I actually own a Nirvana album now. Thats strange. When I was younger I
would have absolutely nothing to do with Nirvanas music, but one day in
high school, Stephen let me listen to their first CD, Bleach, and Ive been
converted to the Kurt Cobain fan institute ever since. I also love the Beastie
Boys and Bjork, among very many others.

Its nice to see that America, the country I live in, is not only the most
powerful country in the world, but also the richest, and the leader of
mainstream entertainment as well as one of the leaders for things such as
animation, comic books, films and filmmaking especially, music, television,
writing, literature, labor, and fashion. Japan leads in a lot of the way in
technology, though, and Europe has a lot of the most adventurous creative
artistry like the Beatles, the Renaissance, Alan Moore, and JK Rowling. So
in that way Im very influenced by Europe, Ireland, and Asia, specifically
the countries Japan, Tibet, and China. Id like to create a sort of merging of
east and west if you will. East meets west.

Im so in love with my CD collection, its kind of scary. Its either that or

ridiculous. I have to call Johnny Bartlett again pretty soon and try to get him
to do something like go somewhere to get a bite to eat or just hanging out,
playing drums, watching movies, and playing videogames. I havent talked
about Playstation, Playstation 2, and Final Fantasy VII, VIII, IX, or X in a
while. Im not even halfway through VII yet, so I have a very long way to

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go. One thing I also havent done in a while is meditated. I might even do
that again today. How come whenever I want to do something for fun now
other than work, I have to make a concentrated effort just to get around to
doing it and staying with it? I used to read and play videogames all the time,
but now all I seem to do is be on the computer, surf the Internet and write
things, which sucks because I do it too much.

Im growing up and am about to be an adult, and it doesnt matter whether I

like it or not. One day I will start living by myself, and one day both my
parents are going to pass away, most likely by natural causes. Now I know I
dont want this to happen, but I know its going to happen and I must be
prepared for it when it does happen. Losing the ones Ive grown to know
scares me an awful lot sometimes. Losing things and people I love and feel
compassion for scares me. I dont really fear death. I fear no longer being
allowed to bask in the glory of existence that family and friends take form
in. I fear the loss of existence of exterior forms that Ive become attached to.
Im not as attached to things as I used to be, so I dont think it will be as bad
as it could have been. I think Im one member of Generation X whos
prepared for death and has found inner peace. I believe that supposedly,
anyone born after 1983 is a member of Generation Y. I think the people who
are 30 or 27 years old (etc.) are all members of Generation X. I dont expect
to really be remembered by this and future generations. My thoughts can
sometimes be universal but Im not universal enough. Mahatma Gandhi,
Martin Luther King Jr. Albert Einstein, the 14th Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa,
Princess Diana, Jean-Paul Sartre, the Beatles, Alfred Hitchcock, Kubrick,
Walt Disney, Anne Frank, Orwell, Hemingway, and possibly even Ken
Wilber belong on that list and deserve to be viewed on that level. I on the
other hand and just a simple teenager, living from day to day, and realizing
the values of compassion, as well as the wisdom of liberation. If I had to live
uncomfortably so that others could live more comfortably and have food to
eat as well as a clean place to live, then so be it. Id be willing to do that. I
will definitely give to a lot of charities that I believe in, should I ever
become some type of a wealthy or rich person. Thats just who I am. If I
were to be a certain amount of things, Id feel a lot more comfortable about
myself and how many powers I have in my body. They are the power to be a
loving husband, a father, a teacher, a businessman, and a leader. If I were
in a relationship with a lover, I wouldnt be afraid to tell them that I love
them. Id be in a relationship for deep love and affection, but not for a onenight-stand and cheap, meaningless sexual gratification. If a woman tells me

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shes attracted to me, that isnt going to instantly attract me to her if her
personality isnt what Im looking for, although I might be lying here. If I
were to ever become a celebrity, Id do my best to keep my wife and family
out of the spotlight. I dont know how some women can generalize and go
right out and state, All guys are horny. Im not. Being horny around other
people only makes my thoughts more awkward, because my arousal seeps
into and sometimes consumes my thoughts.

Tibetan and Chinese wisdom have definitely added a lot to my arsenal of

intellect. I have a greater arsenal to oppose hatred, negative emotions,
attachment, and suffering with.

I honestly dont want people to idolize me, even though some may if I
become famous. Theres really not that much thats special or spectacular
about my life. My life is not always the most eventful. Its only eventful
sometimes. I truly would like to be a person of worth, and change the world,
but I dont think that will really happen, and if I do end up changing the
world, then I dont want to get praised a lot. My ego is at a minimal right
now and I truly hope that Ill be able to keep it that way. Ill never really
believe my press, view myself the way other people view me, or pay
attention to the hype surrounding meif there is any, that is. I dont like
having competition (Id rather peacefully co-exist), but I do definitely enjoy
challenging myself.

I believe that there would be ways that might make it possible to bring about
world peace, but it would take a large altruistic effort by many people. It
could not simply be the actions of one specific person.

You know, as far as films go, I dont think that sequels are really my things.
My stories arent really set up for sequels. Id rather do miniseries and
prequels. Id love to do a prequel to one of my novels, kind of like how
Thomas Harris did a prequel to Silence of the Lambs, or at least I think he
did. There are a lot of good novels out there that Im going to need to get
around to reading eventually.

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Also, I just got back from my drawing class and it went very well. The
drawing I did at the end (the long one) was my best one yet.

My spiritual practice has involved quite a bit of work. Simply practicing the
religion of Buddhism, for me, has been an enormous amount of mental
work, remember all its basic and more esoteric principles. When youre not
enlightened, its not easy to always use right thought. I need to go to bed
soon.

Im not sure if Im going to draw today. I might just read and meditate. At
2:50 or 3 oclock Im going to go do something else.

Last night, after reading part of One Taste, I learned that Ken Wilber is a
long time practicing Buddhist, which despite the fact that it was kind of
obvious if you put two and two together still surprised me. Hes recognized
for creating a genuine world spirituality and philosophy.

You know what? When I think about it, the majority of the greatest, deepest
thinkers and true geniuses of history and contemporary times are not even
really entertainers. A lot of them are media celebrities made public by means
other than entertainment. Unless you count the Nobel and Pulitzer Prize
winning authors as well as classical composers, a lot of them are not
generally classified as entertainers. Thats because theyre not trying for a
goal as simple as entertaining and amusing people. Theyre trying to ponder
which concepts will be the most universally beneficial to the lot of
humanity. They truly cared more about humanity than themselves. They
were living in this world, but they simply didnt really seem of it. I
sometimes feel dedicated to helping humanity and whatnot like they did,
which sometimes makes me question why I still want to become an
entertainer in one form or another, rather than a Tibetan trained lama or a
philosopher of some kind. Perhaps Im merely a philanthropist disguised as
an entertainer, except right now Im not rich or wealthy. Despite the fact that
Im skeptical as to whether God exists or not, I still manage to place God
ahead of myself sometimes, even though there may not be one at all. Im

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still agnostic on one level. I do always make an effort to practice humility

though.

Ive seen hatred face to face at various times in my life, and after facing
hatred I have learned that the emotion known as hatred is worthless and
nonsense in nearly every sense of the words. Hatred has no place in a
persons mind, yet it seems to be quite prevalent in existing visibly in the
minds of many. This in itself is a psychological tragedy.

Listening to Mozart right now. Im feeling very relaxed and at peace.

Classical music tends to do that to me.

I give and give and give, but for one reason or another, I expect nothing in
return. The reason why is because I believe in altruism. I would like to
express altruism.

The family Im in is a nice family most of the time. Sometimes they act like
real jerks, but Im sure you can say that about just about any family. I should
focus on the good aspects of my family. My mother is very compassionate,
caring, loving, nurturing, and knowledgeable. She knows a lot of medical
facts. Mother makes sure everyone stays on track. Dad is a harsher, but he
tries to get everyone in our family to do what they need to do, plus he makes
the most money out of all four of us. My brother is quite thick headed and he
hates to show his tender side to anyone, doesnt smile that often and when he
gets mad, hell say some horrible things that I believe he doesnt really
mean, but I think deep down he is devoted to this family. Me? Im just a
creative genius, and an overall idiotic, introverted schmuck. I cant state
factually that Im either the former or the latter. Ill let someone else be the
judge. Im really not that special. Sure Im a Buddhist, I have compassion,
true happiness and wisdom (sometimes), but Im really not all that special.
Im just like anyone else. As a matter of fact, the majority of people are
worth more than Id ever be. Ive always been the weird one, though. I think
the members of this family all kind of work as a team.

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I havent popped some Advil in a long time, which is probably a good thing.
I dont really like using drugs all that much. Ive never done hard drugs, and
I dont ever plan to. All Ive done is Zinfandel and Advil. I know. Im a
pussy.

Well, my mother wants me to pick out some of my drawings, so some of her

friends could come over here and I could show them the drawings. Maybe
Ill go pick the drawings out now. Ive got nothing better to do anyways.

Sorted out the drawings I want to show them, and I meditated with bed
sheets covering the majority of my body, so that I could keep myself warmer
than usual. I actually think it worked brilliantly. I didnt draw today
however. Can always draw tomorrow.

The movie business is getting bizarre. Now its getting to the point where a
movie can and has grossed more than $100 million in less than five or four
weeks. Thats crazy! Im not sure if I want to deal with that much money,
but Ill probably become a director anyway, not for the money but more for
the artistic and creative expressionism that goes along with being a
professional film director. I dont know if Ill be able to make a five star
Academy Award winning film, but I can damn well try. Im not really
worried about getting awards, becoming the #1 grossing movie in America,
having a blockbuster that grosses more than $100 million at the box office,
getting awesome reviews, or making a ton of money off of royalties. Im
more worried about producing a film of depth, intelligence and quality, but
dont really know if that sells. Some might say it doesnt. Im not concerned
with respect. Im concerned with telling stories of quality. Film, comics,
television, and novels: It doesnt matter what medium I end up working in. I
just want to do a great job at whatever I do. I do pretty well at my day job
right now, so Im off to a good start.

Scratch that last sentence. Today I just had no patience with anyone
(customers or coworkers) at work. I hated my boss today (but shes always
been somewhat of a bitch. Shes pretty hefty also). I thought very negative
thoughts at work today about an attractive but also petty looking girl. You

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have big tits and are very attractive. I hate you already, because you are
most likely very empty on the inside. That was weird, feeling such hatred
for someone I didnt even know. It made me feel bad.

Just finished reading One Taste by Ken Wilber, and I must proclaim that its
a brilliantly written integral paradigm of one man who very well understands
transpersonal thought. Plus, its simply fun to hear the profoundness and
ingenious linguistics of his writing in his spiritual philosophy. If you want to
be able to think with the same kind of depth as Ken Wilber, you have to use
effortful thinking. His writing is a good companion for ones meditation
practice and spiritual practice of any sorts. For example its a good
companion for my Buddhist and semi-Taoist practices. Now that Ive
finished that wonderfully satisfying philosophy book, time to move onto yet
another book in my frighteningly extensive library. One good thing about
owning so many books I havent read yet is that theres a lot to choose from,
so Ill never be bored.

I believe I most likely meditated yesterday or the day before. While I did
that I was rapped in my blanket, covered with cloth, and it came to create
quite a comforting feeling. A feeling of warmhearted affection. It made me
feel like a Tibetan Buddhist monk. That had to be the highlight of my week,
feeling that sense or brief taste of infinite love and compassion. The brief
preview of enlightenment, or one taste as Ken Wilber calls it. That feeling
didnt stay with me at work though, which was unfortunate. I suppose thats
an indicator that Im not fully enlightened yet, although I do have a better
grasp of getting consumed by the Buddha nature. I wish to eat, sleep, think,
and breathe as the Buddha. I still get mad and I still feel hateful sometimes.
Im not perfect. Im just as flawed as everyone else, but I recognize a flaw as
a flaw. Nothing more, nothing less. Flaws are beautiful in their existence
when contrasted with Whole Ocean of being, but are terrible when viewed as
the antagonist of perfection. If we can see through flaws and see the beauty
of the whole being or the whole form, or even the whole chain of existence,
flaws do not seem so bad. All things are beautiful, just as they are. I believe
the only integral flaw that does not truly deserve to exist is suffering,
because it causes discomfort, hatred, and other negative things to be
manifested in living beings.

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Um, Im not sure what else to say other than I had a somewhat bad headache
about ten or twenty minutes ago, and now its gone. It must have been the
Advil that remedied my headache.

Have realized that there are plenty of negative aspects to being a celebrity,
which include lack of privacy and public scrutiny. You make a lot more
money as a celebrity, though. The thing is that once a person adjusts to
having a lot of fame, admiration, respect and financial comfort, the persons
perception and mind returns to its normal state and they pretty much feel the
same way they did before they became successful. Theres the initial rush of
being a millionaire and getting stopped all the time in public for autographs,
having people look at you like youre a god and whatnot, but the adrenaline
wears off after a while. If I had a big public profile and I was on the Jerry
Seinfeld, Matt Groening, Stephen King, or Steven Spielberg level of public
recognition, Im sure Id learn to adjust to living that way. I probably
wouldnt really have a choice. The thing is that if youre that famous, it
never really goes away completely. That would be weird, living every single
day of your life like that. I guess it all comes with the job and the territory.
Maybe Id be lying to myself if I said that I believed 100% that my life
would never turn out that way. I mean I have talent, intellect, compassion,
creativity, ideas, visions, and what I believe to be some kind of innovation. I
cant completely proclaim that it wont happen, but I dont know for sure
that the whole famous thing will either. Im very afraid of becoming selfish,
pessimistic, cynical or arrogant. Have seen people who embrace those traits
and quite frankly some of them make me sick and scare me because theyre
so inconsiderate.

Can this be possible? Have I even outgrown The Sixth Sense, the $700million-dollar-grossing,
surprise-ending-containing,
good-visual-styleowning film, which is quite possibly the best suspense movie ever made? I
dont know, I was looking through the script for the movie on the Internet
and when I was reading through it, it just didnt impress me like the Dogma
script impressed me, even though The Sixth Sense has a much more dynamic
and overall better or more sophisticated visual and compositional approach.
Right now I like Akira better than The Sixth Sense, but for the visuals. Not
because of the story.

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Got precisely 0 minutes of sleep last night. I did not sleep. I wanted to badly,
but there was a mistake and my father accidentally thought I already got my
nightly dosages of Prozac and Neurontin, so I went without my medications
the entire night, and Im still feeling the effects somewhat now. So many
thought went through my mind last night and early this morning. I used to
believe that I actually benefited from going without my medication, but Ive
realized that Im much more at one mentally, physically, and spiritually with
the medication. The only pills Ive taken for recreation are Advil. The depth
I had without my medication is nothing compared to the depth I feel with my
medication, functioning on a level that is obviously more normal. When Im
off my medication, my dissatisfaction is simply amplified, which is kind of
sad. Im not saying that Id die if I didnt have the medication. Im just
saying it would be difficult to function like before my body contained the
lack thereof. Medication is not really as bad as people perceive it to be. It
doesnt really turn you into a zombie; it simply corrects the particular mental
imbalance and ambivalence. Science truly has made a lot of progress in
progressing human physicality and the evolution of knowledge. The cosmos
and all functioning domains therein are constantly in a progression. Every
second that a star or solar system dies, a new one is instantaneously created
somewhere far off in the cosmos. Existence comes and goes. Life begins and
ends. Suffering begins and ceases. Souls strengthen and diminish. God may
have died a long time ago, or God may be alive and well (It all depends on
the individuals personal perception). Im honestly not sure which is pure fact
or if the former and the latter are both fiction.

What is now? What is then? When does now truly exist? When does then
truly exist? How does one know when theyve truly attained enlightenment,
liberation, and spiritual satiation and have truly embraced the full experience
of what is known as Buddhahood?

The true fallacy and weakness in God or deity based religions is that the
ones that primarily exist in the western hemisphere of the world today
simply place an emphasis on blind faith and devotion, but do not truly offer
a way to transcend personal boundaries. They do not truly offer a way of
liberation. They primarily state that youre saved once you start believing.

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They claim that once you accept this or that religion, you shall attain
salvation and whatnot, but nowhere in this dogmatic paradigm does it say
where liberation and evolution of the soul or spirit fits in. Perhaps there are
ways to combine the best of both worlds. The best of eastern wisdom and the
best of western knowledge. Why should God condemn those who choose not
to believe? A true God should have more compassion than that, shouldnt
he? If God truly loves, if he/her/its/ they were in their right mind,
he/her/it/they would not condemn those who see and perceive things
differently and do not see or experience the God that others truly believe
they see. Believing in and praising God is okay if it gets you through the
day, but it depends on which god youre praising.

I think Im going to go meditate soon.

Well, I feel healed somewhat. I went through a brief kind of mental

catharsis. I meditated for about 15 or 20 minutes, and then laid down on my
pillow and fell asleep. Woo-hoo! I feel like rejoicing because I finally got
some sleep.

When I turn on the television, its tough. Its almost as if I get frustrated just
having the television on for most programs because theyre so intellectually
lazy, even though Im pretty sure they dont have to be. They dont have to
make the shows that simplistic, but I guess theyre trying to appeal to the
largest demographic, and the largest demographic does not seem to enjoy
thinking. Its weird, but its seems true about how Ken Wilber said that it
seems as if the more depth the product has, the smaller the audience for it
ends up being. The only contradiction I can think of is the fact that Ken
Wilbers work has been translated into up to 20 or 30 foreign languages.
That to me says that his work is popular and has a wide audience. If I
received a Pulitzer Prize nomination, would I still continue to want to work
in television? Probably. If I still loved doing it a lot, then Id probably keep
doing it.

We are all human beings. White, black, female, young, old, religious, nonreligious, smart, dumb, handicapped, liberal, conservative, fat, skinny, rich,

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poor, popular, unpopular. We are all human, made of the same physical
components, all desiring to attain happiness. There may be cultural
differences, but were really not as different as some of us think we are. If
one looks at all people on a basic human level, theyll find it much easier to
relate to people. This is a very Zen-like statement.

Learned that for my writing, one thing is that every bad guy has good
qualities and every good guy has bad qualities. Both the antagonists and the
protagonists are flawed. Both have feelings and are human.

One thing is for certain. If there ever came the day where someone could
honestly proclaim Joey Alberts sells, then that would certainly make it
easier on me as a business person, if I want to run a business and whatnot,
because it wouldnt be as hard to sell ideas. I wont be able to tell if my
visions are profitable until theyre out there for the whole world to see.

What ever happened to the days of quality sitcoms, when Seinfeld, Frasier,
and The Simpsons were the good shit to watch? Maybe I miss the old days,
back in the 90s. I miss having Bill Clinton as president, and yes I know that
is sad, because he was charismatic but not that good of a president. Maybe
Im not in the mood to think really deep right now. I just want to get my
portfolio done and get into a decent art college. If theres one thing I love to
do, its meditate and sleep. Sometimes I wonder, will I affect the world in
the way I want to affect it?

Have been so busy today doing other things that I didnt get to writing in my
journal until I only had 8 minutes left to go for it to be the next day. Getting
to writing now is cool with me, because Ive already drawn and come up
with two awesome drawings (and one of them will probably become a
portfolio piece after a number of attempts). I did another Tim Burtonesque
drawing earlier tonight, and it was my best bizarre one yet. Recently Ive
been emulating Tim Burton and Paul Pope a lot, which has spawned some
pretty decent results (in my opinion) on my behalf. I wont write much. Too
tired.

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We just got satellite TV today, and we now have over a hundred channels
to choose from. Having that many channels just blows my mind. I was
watching a television biography on Tim Burton earlier tonight, which was
what inspired me to do the Tim Burton like drawing. I doubt Ill talk about
anything deep tonight. Im much too tired to truly think.

August 2001

One person on a message board called Buddha a big fat fake, which kind
of seemed humorous to me. The person wondered how we can compare the
Buddha to the creator of the universe, God. Well, if God is the center of
the universe and cosmos, then Buddha was the one who truly learned to be at
one with all of it, the one whom the cosmos was in rather than the one who
was in the cosmos. The reason people can view Buddha on the same level as
God is because, for some people, there isnt much conclusive evidence that
Gods really there. A person can be fairly enlightened and still not know
how to do a current mathematic equation.
Its 6:50 right now. There are two things Im definitely going to do
tonight. They are draw for a long time and meditate.
***
Its debatable whether one requires an ego to function properly or not. Can the soul
peacefully coexist with the ego, or is the soul plugged in directly into the ego? Perhaps
the soul is the subtle, compassion-inspiring glowing feeling that illuminates ones body
or form when theyre in a peaceful, solitary state of mind. I believe silence is directly
related to ones comprehension of their self and transworldly components. Silence helps
one focus their mind and become more at one with things. One, who can become
surrounded by silence and conscientiously chooses not to hear the noise and loudness of
their own mind, for long periods of time, usually has a trained mind of sorts. Attaining

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both interior and exterior silence simultaneously is a difficult goal, but nonetheless is an
attainable goal.

***
I just saw Tim Burtons version of Planet of the Apes early this afternoon.
It was good for a popcorn movie, but I was kind of disappointed by the story
itself and the characters. They seemed somewhat one-dimensional. Very
good visuals when the lighting was bright. One problem I saw was that some
scenes and shots were so darkly lit and so weakly illuminated (especially
when there were a lot of characters and battles) that I had a lot of trouble
telling what was going on and who was who. The scene after the part where
Mark Whalbergs characters escape pod crash-landed in the lake was
especially confusing. It didnt really capture the twisted, demented and dark
cinema magic that his earlier films did, but I suppose hes trying to go in
different directions, even though to me it seems like hes losing his original
vision, which is what made him such a good visionary to begin with. Danny
Elfmans score didnt even sound like a trademark Danny Elfman score. It
didnt have that distinctive occasional tenderness and sentimentality to it,
which is what made Dannys older music so brilliant, entertaining, and
beautiful. It was disappointing in the way that it sounded more like the type
of music youd hear in a ridiculous Hollywood epic like Independence Day,
Twister, or the Godzilla remake, but I suppose this kind of is one of those
movies, except not as clich. The ending was bizarre. Its not as brilliant as
the hype says it is. The jokes were the same type youd see in other Tim
Burton movies in the fact that they fall short of cracking everyone in the
audience up, which is the opposite of what would happen if you were sitting
in a room full of people who were watching Disneys The Lion King or the
Toy Story 2 outtakes. So theres my review. Overall I think Burton is
progressing and evolving as a director, but Im losing certainty that hes
headed in the right direction. Overall the film seems like its trying too hard
to be profitable and commercial, with more cynicism of the protagonist, flat
jokes and one-dimensional antagonists. The overall dark and weird
ambiance of the apes world, the space scenes, the makeup effects, the
special effects, and the apes costumes were superb, so the film is
respectable in those regards. Its not all bad in other words. I dont believe it
had the prolific impression of the first Apes film which was made a long

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time ago, but its visual sense was much deeper. Overall I give the film 3 and
a half stars.

About a day ago, my father bought Satellite TV, so our television sets now
work under a system called Dish TV, and we have a mini satellite on our
roof. The way using our TV works was confusing, overwhelming and
intimidating at first, but once dad showed me how to work it and I got used
to it, I like it so much better than our old way of watching television. We
have more channels (over 100 to be exact), including Toon Disney, MTV2, a
California Nickelodeon channel as well as the east coast one, and a British
station called BBC America that plays old episodes of Monty Pythons
Flying Circus among other things, so theres more selection, plus its easier
to switch channels and see whats on, because you can just pull up an
electronic directory and look at the different listings, and if you want to go to
one of them, you pick one, press the select button, and youre right on that
channel you picked! Its all so comforting and convenient. More so than our
last cable service. I didnt ask for this or desire this new electronic luxury,
but now that I have the pleasure of it, it definitely makes watching television
easier and more enjoyable. The only other things Id really be interested in
owning would be a Playstation 2, a DVD player, and electronic video
camera (either digital or traditional, or dare I say film) to make movies, and a
laptop computer. Other than that, I cant really think of much else.

Taking my newest life drawing class session today, which should go over
well.
Since I finished One Taste, Ive started reading The Art of Happiness by
Howard C. Cutler and his holiness the Dalai Lama, which was at the top of
the New York Times and various other bestseller lists for quite a bit of time

They say the key to success is visualizing it. Well Im REALLY doing that
lately, in my own way.

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Not sure what else to write about, but thats all right, because Im going to
be leaving for my life drawing class in about ten or so minutes. I just
finished doing some large sized gesture drawings of my mother also.

Its funny how my new mindset has transcended my old one. I no longer
anguish over the fact that Im not in a public high school anymore, am not
old enough to drink alcohol, dont have as many friends as Id like to
sometimes, Im still working at a supermarket, Im not living in California,
my portfolio still has a long way to go and I only have four months to finish
it, Im not famous, Im not rich. Im not upset over not having any of these
things. Its not that I wouldnt like some of them. Its more about the fact
that Ive learned that theres not much of a reason to get upset over luxuries
that I dont have and may never have. I already have a lot of wonderful
things in my life. Why should I desire a lot more luxuries when I already
have plenty? Excessive worldly desire is not necessary. It usually just brings
more complication and dissatisfaction. Having a lot more money and
possessions than I already do will not make me happier in the long run. They
only make things more convenient. Wouldnt it be nice if my ideas and
stories could pay my bills one day and make me a living? That probably
wont happen anytime soon, though.

Does the soul exist around (outside) or inside of the human body, or does it
exist in both places at once. Also, how easily can a person identify a
symbolic icon? How much faster does the person decipher the meaning of an
icon that theyve become accustomed to recognizing and identifying? Those
questions all falls under the enigma that is perception. I suppose the same
questions about perception can be asked about an animal, mammal or reptile.
Perhaps the memory plays a crucial role in perceptive development. No one
else I know has asked these questions, and since Ive observed them, Im
going to try to get to attempting to answer them, even though Im pretty sure
philosophers and scientists in the past have done it long before I ever
attempted to. Im probably not very original in the large scale of things.

One thing that troubles me is people who have a habit and/or natural
tendency to think of all things in terms of How does it relate to me? What
does it have to do with me?, and Whats in it for me? To me, thats the

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opposite of compassion and altruism, and is the true nature of narcissism and
solipsism. Its the opposite of Buddha nature, in other words. Unfortunately,
I suspect that for most people thats human nature, since human nature tends
to be quite narcissistic, especially in early childhood. Its possible to break
this habit by training the mind though, as well as through exposure to other
peoples misfortune. One example of this is the fact that for most people,
compassion usually is only genuinely felt towards the individuals own self,
their family, and their friendswhich are all actually correlated back to their
own selfand does not extend any farther than that. I think this is an
unfortunate fact in western culture, and is often apparent in things such as
music, television, movies and other forms of entertainment. This is usually
because family and friends are directly linked to the individual. Also, the
vast majority of members who belong to contemporary culture seem to be
overly concerned with their bodies. Too much focus nowadays is placed on
looking beautiful, being attractive, and achieving sexual satiation, which is
yet another temporal pleasure or indulgence.

Its always fun making new friends. If I meet someone I dont already know
and they show a genuine comfort around me, and dont appear hostile
towards me, I would consider that a friend. Some are more open to talk than
others.

Must shut my mind off soon before anxiety (and depression) starts to
develop, which is usually what happens around this time when Im on the
computer. I havent talked about my genius or my Buddhism in a long time.
Maybe its because Ive become so focused on utilizing these traits that Ive
forgotten to talk about and review their basic attributes, but I did that quite
enough when I first realized both these things were in me. Im more
concerned with wisdom, depth, compassion, altruism, drawing, spiritual
practice, and analyzing now. My mind works very hard sometimes. And
sometimes it works hard when I dont even think about the fact that it is
working and using effort. It just happens naturally some of the time. I dont
really feel like a geek anymore. I feel more like the Buddha himself,
although I realize Im nowhere near being that good. One icon that took a
big part of my generations identity is MTV, which is celebrating its
twentieth year on the air this month. MTVs as old as me and even a little
older than that. It will probably also be on television for another twenty
years as well.

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I seem to be able to create, from out of my very own mind, these types of
celestial creative visions, and perhaps one dayif Ive honed my crafts well
enough or have suffered by working hard enoughmasterpieces. I dont
know how I do it. Its manifested more so now than it was when I was a
child because Ive honed it, but its always been there, ever since the very
moment I was placed on this earth. Im through trying to be a visionary. The
true visionaries of the past never considered themselves visionaries or made
a true conscious attempt to become visionaries. The history books and
historians were the ones who decided that, not the visionaries and geniuses
themselves, and therefore I will no longer attempt to be a visionary. I will
only attempt to create an imaginative ambiance and develop good
draftsmanship to create my own worlds and people. After reading this past
journal entry, I have realized that I like what Ive written. The words all put
together create an integral type of spiritual beauty, and its tough to describe
it, yet somehow I try anyway. The perception and creativity I seem to have
sometimes seems like a curse, but the beauty that the creative spirit creates is
truly a gift.

I saw the movie Unbreakable since I rented it earlier today, and to sum my
reaction up, I was disappointed by some aspects but amazed, impressed and
inspired by others like the unpredictable plot, plot twists, and some very
innovative and creative camera shots. There was one shot in particular or a
vision if you will. One of the shots that impressed me the most was when
halfway through the movie, Bruce Williss character is standing in a poncho
in the pouring rain. While this doesnt sound that impressive when described
in words, the actual camera shot itself was simply amazing and aweinspiring. It just kind of makes you sit back and go wow, like theres a
type of Spielberg-like magic happening right at that moment. I also liked the
fact that the whole movie was about comic books and real-life super heroes.
This makes me take note as a director. Its a delusion of grandeur to learn
from. M. Night Shyamalan truly is a modern day master storyteller. He
knows how to write a damn good movie screenplay and keep you guessing
during the whole movie. I also rented Blade Runner, which Im going to
watch sometime during the next 5 days, which from what Ive read, is
supposedly a cinematic masterpiece, so Im hoping its going to be really
good. So in the past couple days Ive seen two movies that Ive wanted to
see for a while. Planet of the Apes by Tim Burton, and Unbreakable by M.

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Night Shyamalan, two of my favorite film directors of all time. Both films
had nothing in common other than an impressive visual ambiance, and both
films impressed me a lot in some ways and let me down in others. Ive seen
two half-good movies in a row, so I guess that amounts to one very, very
good movie. Now all I have left is AI by Stephen Spielberg, Snatch, and Jay
& Silent Bob Strike Back by Kevin Smith, but that wont come out on video
for a long time. There are still a lot of good comic books to read in the
meantime.

Going to draw at the drawing table pretty soon, since I havent done that for
a day or so.

I have a pretty typical meditation exercise. Most of the time Ill concentrate
on the sound and rhythm of my breath and count to ten, then start counting
again, or Ill concentrate on feeling compassion for someone who is opposed
to me. I also sometimes just relax and think about whatever makes me
happy. I just stumbled upon a Zen website, and it was very nice. It had a lot
of Flash graphics and it created a nice peaceful and spiritual effect.

This portfolio deadline is really bothering me. But I suppose there is only
one way to overcome it, and that is by actually doing the work instead of
wasting my time at this computer.

If Im out in public or interacting with my family, usually every day is a

lesson in itself. Every day is a lesson on human nature and the human spirit.
Sure books give me some of my wisdom, but everyday interaction and
experience teaches me what its like in the real world, so I suppose both are
beneficial in their own regards. Every day for me is a lesson on life. I learn a
lot from observing my family as well as customers at Winn-Dixie.
Sometimes I just like to sit back and observe people. I just wish there were
more decent things on TV and not superficial, uncompassionate, trivial
indulgences glorified through electronic media, which is what youll see on
most popular music videos nowadays. That would make a good line for one
of my comedy or drama scripts. Sometimes its a lot more entertaining just
living my life and joking around with the people I know than it actually is

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watching television and sometimes movies. For me, movies tend to be more
enjoyable than television though.

One thing I have to realize that the grass is always greener. Some problems
with living in California are pollution, road construction, traffic, and
homeless people. The problems of pollution and poverty are a lot worse in
California from what I hear. Im sure therell probably be a much different
culture over there, or it might be nearly the same over on the west coast as it
is over here on the east coast. Maybe its a lot easier living here in a Florida
suburb. I have a good life right here. Why should I whine about wanting to
move all the way across the country where I cant even see my family all of
the time?

In a day or two Im going to read another journal file, but Im not sure if Im
on file #19 or file #20. Now I remember. Im on 20.

The thing about this journal is that Im not writing it for an audience. Im not
writing it to win awards. Im not writing it to get fame or respect. Im not
writing it to get rich. Im writing it with the simple intention of expressing
myself and creating a catharsis, to track my spiritual, creative, and
intellectual progress. Im also writing it to entertain myself with my ocean of
thoughts and ideas, with some occasional virtue, fun, sentimentality,
Buddha-nature, syntax, visions, intellect, observation, and creativity thrown
in for good measure. Im sure there are a lot of people who do much better
journals than the one Im doing right now.
One thing I did was go to my day job today. That could have gone better, but
it also could have gone a lot worse. I think for the most part, the majority of
the customers genuinely appreciate the service I provide them when I bag
their groceries, ask them how theyre doing, tell them to have a good
evening, and walk their shopping carts filled with groceries out to their car
for them if they let me. Ive been thanked by customers a countless number
of times, and I must bag at least 50 orders each day in either paper or plastic.
Having a job like this is nice because most of the time it makes you feel
wanted and sometimes even needed. I enjoy helping people. In the fact that
Im helping people, Im not so sure that I could say the same for a creative

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job, because in a public service job your directly helping people and
showing them consideration and compassion. A creative job might not work
the same way. Im sure there are pros and cons to both kinds of jobs, but the
thing is, one pays a hell of a lot better than the other. Most people in this
country dont even make $50,000 a year. Most people in this country only
make $20,000 or $30,000, and yet somehow we remain the richest country
in the world. Bill Gates is now the richest person in the entire world, being
the multi-billionaire that he is. Yes he lost a ton of money. Billions, to be
more specific. But even after that he still had a ton of money left. Thats
what happens when youre so rich. No one is able to use all of that much
money, so honestly theres not much of a point to having that much.

One truly amazing thing about my life is that Im able to draw and write. I
like doing both well more than just being able to do one or the other. Its
twice as enjoyable being able to do both. It makes my heart swell with
delight.

Dont have very much time to write, since I do have to get to at least a little
bit of drawing today. Yeah, that would be nice. I would like to think up
something decent and thought provoking to commentate on, which
occasionally happens, but it might not this afternoon. At times like this I
usually ask where is my genius now? It seems to have deserted me. Thats
okay. Ill just speak of actual normal and human things now.

I bought the Evan Dorkin Dork: Whos Laughing Now? trade paperback,
which looks pretty funny. I just read the introduction, which was written by
Dorkin himself and I definitely think he should stick to drawing
underground comics and writing scripts but stay away from writing books.
The introduction was somewhat prosaic, but it did have enjoyable moments
like when he went into detail about what sort of names some of his fans
addressed him with (What would you expect with a guy whos last name is
Dorkin).

Not sure what else to write about. Thats probably because Im an idiot.
Maybe I should just leave the computer right now and go right into drawing.

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I still have some time, though so I dont have to do it right now if I dont
want to. I have to go to work today after all, so overall I dont have that
much time. Usually when Im under pressure to write in a very short amount
of time, I always have a lot of trouble doing so. I dont like working under
pressure, and yet Im going to have to for my portfolio if I want to get into a
good school and not end up in community college. This portfolio shouldnt
be a pressure thing, but thats what I get for slacking. Perhaps thats the
punishment Gods chosen for me.

Perhaps there are two types of souls. The former is whats previously
perceived to be the personal soul, thats believed to be connected with the
self, or a manifestation of the self if you will. The latter is what I believe to
be the universal or cosmic soul. I think the personal soul is negative because
it connected to the self and selfishness, but the universal soul is like
universal love. It drives and is driven by compassion as well as egolessness,
selflessness, and altruism. So I believe its the universal soul, which is the
one that people would benefit from learning to develop. In Buddhistic terms
the self-involved soul does not exist, which is what could also be said for the
actual self. Ive just noticed that I tend to say my most deep statements in the
evening and late at night around 9 or 10 oclock. Im not sure why this is.
Now all Im wondering is how the hell did I come up with that last statement
on the soul? I dont know where it came from. I was just pondering the true
nature of the Buddhist philosophy behind the self and that statement just
kind of came to me. I didnt read or hear it anywhere. It just sort of came,
kind of like a creative idea. Perhaps this is the reason I believe myself to be a
genius of some kind, or maybe just a person who has the gift of creativity.
Would a person with a typical brain think up something like that? Im filled
with doubt on that. Id make a horrible spiritual teacher, and da Vinci as well
as Yoshitaka Amano know or knew a hell of a lot more about art than I do.
For every strength I have, such as coming up with original concepts, it is
rivaled by at least two weaknesses. Thats the price that comes from being
human.

Many have different opinions of existence. Some view existence as an ease.

Some view it as a sickness or curse. Those who view it as an ease are truly
blessed or at an advantage, because they obviously wont suffer as much.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 37

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July 2001

When looking at manga and then looking at comic books, I notice that the
Japanese have quite a different approach to telling stories than we
Americans do. Japanese manga are some of the most dynamic comics Ive
ever seen, either that or the most engaging. They engage the reader in the
experience that the characters are having. Marvel may think its comics are
the most dynamic. Its comics may be more detailed and dynamic than indie
comics and other mainstream comics, but Marvel comics dont engage the
readers senses like Japanese manga do. The speed lines give you a sense of
being there with the characters while theyre moving. Its a lot more than
just a surface thing. The Japanese are very visual storytellers and much less
verbal. Whereas a single American comic book page will normally be filled
up with speech bubbles and words, Japanese manga pages tend to be far less
verbal and use much fewer words. A single description in manga can be
expounded into ten or more pages, like, say, a fight sequence or a dramatic
characters internal realization. Some Japanese manga artists can do up to 80
pages a month, and in Japan, they make these big compiled black-and-white
serial anthologies each week or month.

Its kind of weird being a teenager. I feel more comfortable talking about
certain things with certain people. If I talk to a close friend or my art teacher
about manga comics in public, I dont feel ashamed; because we can talk to
each other and make it look cool. But if I talk to my mother or father about
manga comics in public, I feel like a loser, because it makes me look like I
have no peers as friends. Its kind of sad. I know this makes me sound
shallow and superficial.

Talking too much about myself. Im getting too personal here. Theres two
things Im going to have to do today fairly soon. The usual. Draw and
meditate.

Consistency. That brings up a whole new topic. That singular word

triggered a whole new perspective for this journal. I recently bought a copy
of Success magazine, which is a business magazine, because I aspire to be a

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businessman. I know what youre thinking: Consumer whore. But its not
really like that. There are certain things to sell with and create a decent
effect. One can sell with tenacity (determination and stubbornness to
persuade customers), sexual appeal (but I tend to stay away from this one)
since sex is universal pleasure to many people, passion (where you truly,
honestly, and wholeheartedly believe in the core of the message youre
selling), charisma (where youre kindness, considerateness and compassion
tend to draw people in, because they believe youre really listening to them
and considering them, being an all around nice and kind guy), consistency
(which is where you keep you keep yourself and your products in the
customers consciousness, and dont let the customer easily forget about you,
always producing new work and providing a new welcoming product),
power (where you make your product fit the desires of your customer. You
walk in their shoes and show them what they can accomplish by buying into
your vision. The Dalai Lama is a good example of this. He wants people to
attain happiness, not just Buddhism itself, and his methods of advice will
truly help people transcend their old mental boundaries. Hes not out to sell
Buddhism, but thats just what hes doing, not that Buddhism is something
that is being sold. If it were like that, all commercialized and shit, I would
not belong to it. Buddhism worked for me, and besides, the Nobel Prize
winning and obviously egoless Dalai Lama is a more respectable example to
use than Billy Blanks.), heart (where you give back to the community, which
helps customers see that you as a caring person for whom money is not the
only thing or concern. That will be easy for me, because money is one of my
least important concerns), innovation (because having a high-quality,
innovative produce is a key to success in sales. It helps to know what your
customer needs and give it to them fast), and finally, integrity (believe in
your message and always be there to back it up).

Ive realized something. Ive had some bad experiences in public high
school and middle school in the past. The truly scary thing is that they seem
like even worse places to be than they were 5 or so years ago when I was in
middle school. Public schools are scary and isolating places for a kid like
me. I feel very sympathetic for kids, among other people, who have similar
conditions to the ones I have, who are still there, because I know what
theyre going through. Not that I dont feel compassion for people who
arent like myself.

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Good news. I meditated today, plus I drew for about an hour. There was one
drawing I did tonight that I was very pleased with, which is probably why I
cut my drawing short tonight, but it just stuck out to me, like it had more
life, and three-dimensionality to it than Id normally see in an indie comic
book. I dont really see an ambiance in their comics like youd see in a Will
Eisner book, so Im off to a good start already. This life drawing class really
is helping me out. I did some drawings today and they were all good in one
way or another. I need to work on my storytelling and bodies, though.
Theres always tomorrow. I need to stop whining and bitching about how
Im not drawing enough and just do it. I should be very pleased with how
today went, not disappointed (yet thats how I sort of feel). I have a very
good chance of getting into Cal Arts, if I work very hard from this moment
on, and Im off to a good start now. Not right now, but now in general. If I
work for a couple hours a day, I think Ill be surprised at how much brand
new artwork Im going to produce for my portfolio. I think Ill be even more
surprised when I find out that I can top the drawings Ive done so far by
quite a bit, if I work very, very hard. This is amazing. Ive done realistic
shading on cartoony characters, Ive done long pose life drawings,
animation layout drawings, storyboards, comic book page layouts, a splash
page, among many other things. I should be really proud of how far Ive
come. And Id be a lot farther right now if I only started working my ass off
earlier. Theres still time though. I have faith that theres still time and its
still possible to make a lot of change in four months. I dont need to be all
doom and gloom. Things will turn out okay for me. As a matter of fact, I
believe despite my insecurity and occasional lack of creative confidence,
things will turn out better than okay. Im a creative experimenter, and
experimenters learn to persevere as well as always top themselves in one
way or another. Im a lot more spiritual, and lucid than I was just a year or
so ago, even though in all three of these areas there are others who are far
superior to me. All I have to do now is stop whining and work my ass off for
the next four months, even with school and my job standing in the way, but
those obstacles arent too big, thank God. I also like my recent movie
critiques somewhat. They showed that I do as a matter of fact have sufficient
taste, thank you very much. I love the Batman Beyond theme song, which is
very innovative, but hate the show itself. Ive never been able to sit through
an entire episode, which is a thing that can be said for a countless number of
other shows currently on television, such as Histeria!, Rocket Power, The
Wild Thornberries, The Man Show, Ed, Weakest Link, Time Squad, Survivor,
The Real World, Jackass, Johnny Bravo, the Fairly Odd Parents, Titus, Who
Wants to be a Millionaire?, Generation O, Smart Guy, The Zeta Project, and

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Detention. These shows, for the most part, are geared at people who DONT
like to think a lot. Im not afraid to admit that I find this journal a hell of a
lot more entertaining and enjoyable than any of those shows. I get more
pleasure reading this thing than watching most shows on the boob tube. I
guess thats what happens when you live as a man of the creative spirit. I
cant really remember the last time Ive watched television for more than
two or three hours in a single day. Its THAT bad. At least movies and
comics are readable and watchable. Well, most of the time. Ive been too
egotistical in this journal entry. I come across as arrogant. Thankfully, no
one else is going to read this anytime soon. Well, I did talk about some
technical things like the advantage manga has over American comics and
various business selling points, so hopefully those will count a little bit for
deconstruction of the house called ego. What I really need to do is fucking
cut out this ego-babble bullshit and get back to my basic arsenal of a large
quantity of mediocre work, and this journal entry, at its best, was certainly
mediocre. Ive done much more in the past and have been much more
inventive in other journal entries. I drew a lot tonight, but I need to draw
even more tomorrow.

Earlier tonight during dinner, I spoke to my mother about my consideration

of becoming a vegetarian, but I have a strong love of the taste of meat. Its
what I assume one would feel like if they were to give up smoking for good.
Theres that immense lust and craving for just one other small taste. On the
other hand, we were both in accordance that a vegetarian meal was primarily
healthier than a meat eating diet, and better for all sentient beings. Progress
was manifested earlier this evening though, because the dinner I had earlier
tonight seem extra delectable, and it contained precisely 0% meat, so it
opened up a new world in a way. I had pineapple and macaroni & cheese for
dinner, and for some reason (perhaps because I was very hungry) it tasted
brilliantly wonderful. It was exquisite and colorful. Food just hasnt tasted
that good in quite some time. I would give up eating meat, but there are so
many meat-filled foods that I simply love, such as hotdogs, hamburgers,
subs, sandwiches, large pizza, and tacos, among other things Im certain.
Now I should resume commentating on perceptive evolution, the cosmic or
universal-soul, and the values of meditation and compassion, which
inevitably leads to the wisdom of liberation and freedom from attachment.
Buddha was a great spiritual genius and quite a good (I use that term gently)
spiritual teacher. The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift amounts
to nothing without hard work. As my mother once told me, its a sin to

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waste a gift. Im uncertain as to whether or not there is such a thing as a sin,

or that the notion which implies God can be angered or agitated is true, but I
agree with the notion behind sinwhich is similar to bad karma, that its
definitely an unwise decision that can lead to unbeneficial consequences.

Well, I have to draw fairly soon, like around 12 oclock or so. I have no time
to write today, because its already August 7th and I only have about two
portfolio pieces done so far and I have about 5 or 7 to go. Im working on
one today, or at least Im going to try to. The race is on! I know I can do this
is if I work extremely hard starting this early afternoon. I start working hard
today! Not tomorrow! Im not going to slack today. When I start working, I
start working. I want to do a lot of mediocre drawings today, and maybe one
or two actual good ones. I dont think Ill really be writing much at all
during the afternoon, evening or late evening. Ill turn the computer off if I
have to. My mission begins today and does not stop after today. My
portfolio is behind schedule, so I have a lot of catching up to do. Sorry,
nothing profound or insightful today. I dont have time for that. Its just
going to be me motivating myself to draw for a couple hours today, or to put
it more loosely, the whole day. Ill aim for 14 or 20 drawings today (maybe
more). They can all be crappy doodles, or they can all be painstaking
masterpieces (ha ha! Good one). I dont care, as long as I produce
something. Im going to make sure a complete turn of events happens today.
I dont seem to have anything else to write about. Perhaps Ill even start
now. Nothing wrong with starting an hour or two early.

Well Im getting to the drawing later than I expected, but there are a few
things I felt I needed to write about first.

First off, I finished meditating for a full thirty minutes. I think that was the
first time I was able to. Plus I came up with some very interesting
observations, which Im having trouble remembering right now, but thats
all right because Im not really supposed to be writing right now anyway.

Im sick of these horrible clich black-and-white, one dimensional hero vs.

villain stories where theres always some big retarded elaborate adventure

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where four good guys and girls who have big guns and big breasts, fight 500
bad guys (or more) and win (but always with a ridiculously dramatic
cliffhanger ending, as well as a predictable plot, cardboard characters, and
unbearable dialogue), because the good guys always win. Theres usually
a lot of power, money and lots of gun battles and explosions. Mainstream
movie companies love to make action movies with just this type of plot. And
dont even get me started on romantic comedies or romantic dramas and
horror movies (heres where I rant about to explain how bad genre
conformity and typical genre movies are and why theyre so goddam bad).
Romantic movies: Guy meets girl or takes a long time to even understand
girl, they fall in love, and a lot of ridiculous sentimental dramatic selfpitying bullshit happens in between, which I suppose would count for socalled conflict.
Horror movies: Usually a group of people get thrown into a deadly
situation with fantasyesque clichd supernatural monsters like aliens or a
demon, and a lot of them die one by one with the exception of the main
protagonists who always come close to dying but never do, and who
predictably escape and live in the end, then (if theyre of opposite sexes) get
it on for good measure. Now a real twist would be if they were of the same
sex and got it on for good measure. That would be a good way to get
audience members to walk out of the theatre prematurely. Heh, heh. Im
joking there. Id probably be one of the audience members who walked out,
unless it was two women.
Indie movies: A few simple words; Shaky cameras, plot holes, weird
scenes put in to shock the viewers senses, egotistical Im hipper than
you directors who dont really have any money to begin with (and usually
still dont have any even after the movie is finished), and a plot that for the
most part is boring and goes nowhere, even though its unconventional.
Hollywood epics: Lots of people die...very painfully. And the protagonists
save a lot of people and/or help them escape, thus amplifying the hero role.
Show me a genre film in these categories Ive mentioned that doesnt fit
these descriptions in one way or another, and Ill show you a screenwriter
who actually has a bit of originality and intelligence. I tend to go for clichdefying films.

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The thing thats good about relatively young entertainers is that they can
make statements that can sum up the minds of teenagers, or explain certain
things about generation that I believe older entertainers would have trouble
explaining. They can state a teenage mindset without seeming fake,
contrived, or phony. Im talking about entertainers that come from all kinds
of different directions, generation X members and partial members who are
currently in their 30s and 20s, who can speak to the current next generation.
Entertainers like Eminem, Blink 182, Billy Joe Armstrong, Jhonen Vasquez,
Billy Corgan, Tom Green, Dave Eggers, Trent Reznor, Brian Michael
Bendis, the Daria writing staff, Evan Dorkin, Kevin Smith, and M. Night
Shyamalan. These guys can speak to young people (from both the pop
culture and the counterculture) very well. Id like to be one of those people
who can do that type of thing one day. As a matter of fact, Id be honored to
be able to do that, not ashamed of it. Just as long as I dont end up with the
teenyboppers. I think I can get inside the mind of some teenagers pretty well,
primarily because I am one currently.

Well, today was a good day. It went very, very well. I drew for around two
hours this evening. Thats excellent, except now Im very, very tired.

I think Ive realized that if Im going to be an entertainer as well as public

figure, theres going to be days when I want to be completely alone and not
want to put up with my audience, but Im going to have to do it anyway.
Theres only one me, but there are many other people on this planet who are
not myself, and that will complicate the communicative aspect of things.

Every artist, when they start unleashing their true talent, goes through that
emulation stage, where they tend to copy the artists they admire. For me,
there are three artists who I admire a lot that Im emulating quite a bit by
copying some of their drawings. Im excited to see what the combination of
influence from these three artists and many otherspersonified through my
own mind and bodywill produce. I concentrate on Hiroakis unique yet
very true sense of composition, perspective, distance, anatomy, and beauty,
Popes good inking style and pacing, and Burtons bizarre and dark sense of
entertainment, originality, design, and style. Im interested and excited to see
what a finished comic book that combines these three styles and many others

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(plus a manga, fine art, abstract art, indie comic, Buddhist, philosophical,
funky, humanitarian and cinematic sensibilities) will look like. I think one
of the things that will contribute to my ability as an artist will be the fact that
Im interested in and motivated about working in pencil, ink, charcoal, paint
as well as other color mediums such as watercolor, colored pencil, airbrush,
and pastels, even though right now I cant paint worth shit, but I can shade
somewhat with Prismacolor Black and a #2 pencil as well as charcoal.

Still having trouble deciding what art school to go to. The California
Institute of the Arts, The School of Visual Arts, the Art Institute, the
Sheridan College in Canada, or the Savannah College of Art and Design in
Georgia. Im still looking for other colleges that I could apply to, but if I
work hard on my portfolio (which is a thing Im continuing today); perhaps I
have enough choices already. Im sure since my x-teacher, Phil is the head
guy of the Art Institute; hell probably be able to tell me how to go about
getting a scholarship. My parents think I can get one if I work hard enough,
but Im not so sure I can even if I do work really, really hard. I could be
wrong though. I drew a picture of the phone sitting on the desk down on a
piece of paper. When it was finished in a short time, it looked threedimensional and everything, like something out of a comic book, so I though
it showed that my draftsmanship was definitely making quite a bit of
progress.

Aside from drawing for at least an hour today, Im going to meditate for a
short amount of time. Probably not 30 minutes, but Ill try to make it a
decent enough amount of time so that I get something out of it like usual.

I think all people are born in a condition to grow into the state of
benevolence, compassion, affection, and partial altruism. I think all people
at least in their own mindsare striving to achieve a worldly state of
affection, compassion and harmony. In societal and group situation,
differences in peoples personalities and whatnot are apparent, so conflicts
and oppositions are bound to arise between people from time to time.
Children are born in a narcissistic and solipsistic state of mind, but can
eventually grow into a state of compassion, affection, and altruism,
depending on the societal situation they grow up in and the things they are

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taught as well as the ideas that are put in their head at an early age. If they
are to grow up in an atmosphere of affection and compassion, then it is
likely they will grow into beings that show more compassion, kindness,
altruism, and affection.

Well, about thirty minutes or fifty minutes ago I just finished my first day
working on my online web design class at Florida Online High School, and I
like it. It was confusing at first, but it wasnt too hard after I got the hang of
it.

Now I have to get to drawing and meditating soon. As a matter of fact, I

think Ill do it very soon. Right now perhaps.

Like Einstein said, the main source of knowledge is experience. Why dont I
start worrying about the little things? Such as Why is the Diet Pepsi that I
drink darkly colored, and why does it fizz? How does this computer work?
How does a CD player read the data on a CD if its not set up like a
microchip? Why is my skin tone so dark? How do I exist and how is my
actual existence manifested? How do I see color? How is color useful to
humans as a progressive society, other than in stop signs? How was the
concept of time discovered? How often are people spiritually enlightened?
Why and how does suffering exist? What is the traditional way for handling
loss and death, if there is any specific and orthodox way? Why do
compassion and affection cause so much happiness? What suffices for
genius? How are certain mental states recognized, analyzed, and
categorized? How does the human body work? Why are so many humans
driven by pleasure, and why does everyone desire to attain happiness? This
is a stream of consciousness here. Why is violence so prevalent in the first
place? Why do wars even exist? Why do some people believe in hatred,
prejudice, and racism? Why do so many people lack knowledge of true self,
or the true benevolent manifestation of self if you will? Why does happiness
seem so hard to attain for some people? Is the human body really composed
of an integral kind of duality? Does the fact that not everyone can be a
spiritual leader and that most people have to live typical regular lives with
low paying jobs as well as partake in worldly excess create a healthy kind of
contrast and equilibrium, or does it simply verify that the majority of the

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world is ignorantly forgivable (myself included here)? Are humans really all
that different from animals? What is the true motivation behind self-inflicted
pain and suicide? What causes depression and loneliness? What classifies
for insanity? What is weird? When was the cosmos initially created? How
much longer will the cosmos continue to exist for? Is the cosmos truly
infinite, or does it cease being at a certain point? Are there other types of
evolution other than those of a species physical bodily structure? Which is
truly more powerful, the mind or the body, or are they both correlative upon
one another to achieve full power? The body cannot function without the
commands given by the mind, but the mind cannot execute commands
without the body, so I believe in a way, to achieve anything great and have
an effect on anything exterior and outside of the body, they need to work
together in harmonious collaboration. Wow! Thats a lot of questions for one
person. I could probably ask 200 more at least, if I really sat down and
thought about the world and other concepts, but I think Ill stop here. I dont
know if those questions are clever or brilliant (my egos not big enough to
believe anything I do is truly clever or brilliant. The majority of my work is
failed attempts at insight), but quite a few of them seem to be somewhat
universal and thought provoking. Now I feel like a real philosopher. Im
asking universal questions. I did not get any of these questions out of a book.
I thought them up on my own while sitting in this chair, and I think other
people should do the same. Asking analytical and philosophical questions is
very good for the mind. It actually might be healthier to the mind (because it
puts the mind to work) than reading. One thing Ive observed is that an
awful lot of classic western philosophy is rather cynical, skeptical, liberal
(not the atheistic type), and humanistic in nature. Im not saying that its not
very intelligent, because it is. Its ingeniously intelligent, but what I am
saying is that quite a bit of historic philosophers tend to have had very
pessimistic views. So I think even though we should appreciate the
profoundness of such Philosophers as Nietzsche and Jean-Paul Sartre, we
cant help but wonder from judging by their writing, if they had any
moments of true happiness and if we had the exact same mind frame as
them, would it kill off all our optimism and affection for the world as well? I
dont necessarily equate optimism and positive thinking with ignorance,
blindness and blind faith, unless its overly nave and self-centered. Quite
the opposite. I believe that optimism and positive thinking can evoke good
health and less mental suffering, because it comes from selflessness,
egolessness, humility, and treating others well (often better than ourselves,
but thats not easy for many people).

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I wonder why so many non-religious people automatically equate the term

religious with the Christian religion. For a lot of people, saying someones
religious automatically implies that they are Christian. Or if you say
someone turns to religion: that automatically means that theyve turned to
Christianity. This is wrong! Its too stereotypical and one-dimensional. Just
like equating spirituality with God is wrong, because spirituality isnt always
deity-driven, kind of like the spirituality I practice. Yes I believe in God
somewhat, but its more along the lines of the pantheist God than it is the
fallacy thats known as the Christian God. Thats one of the most ridiculous
constructions ever created and imagined by man, to frighten people into
partaking in a neo-mythological orthodox conformity on blind faith (If you
dont believe in the Creator God that you cant even see, youre going to
burn for eternity in hell!). Thats just ridiculous how many people have been
duped into believing in this type of flawed theology. I think some religions,
like Christianity and whatnot, on a certain level, keep people from thinking
too much and using sensible pragmatic judgment. The Buddha never taught
that you should follow anything based on blind belief, assumption, or faith.
He taught that people should conduct their own experiments and find what
works for them. If Christianity works for someone, changes their life and
makes them happy. Great, then it works for them, but that doesnt guarantee
its going to work for everyone else. The same could be said for Buddhism,
Judaism, Hinduism, etc. People need to find what works for them best and
helps them transcend their old self-involved boundaries, and helps give the
more clear, unbigoted and open-minded view of the world and (possibly) the
universe. Just because Im a short time practicing Buddhist doesnt mean
Im automatically going to assume or say that Buddhism is going to work for
everyone and everybodys lifestyle. I believe that would be somewhat
illogical. A persons religious beliefs can have a lot to do with their family
heritage or other factors.

I dont really consider myself that great of a thinker. I just analyze depth
occasionally and have humanitarian values, which is not really that
spectacular of a thing in the large scale of human thought. There are writers
and philosopherscontemporary ones as well Im surethat are naturally
able to think a lot deeper than I ever could and use much more effortful
thinking than yours truly. Therefore, I must keep my ego either in check or
primarily unnoticeable. I havent fully analyzed the nature of the sage, and I
think I should do that eventually, but I think about so many things each day
that it might take me a while to get around to it. I believe there are more

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direct things to analyze first that relate more to my current situation. I seem
to be able to absorb more positive information now than ever before.
Perhaps this is a true mental miracle. Im not sure if I could absorb this
much intellectual and spiritual information, lets say 5 or 10 years ago. Im
kind of like a sponge. Sometimes, usually when Im drawing, meditating or
writing, it doesnt seem like I have Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD, at
all, but I do. Im not currently taking any medication for ADD. Im taking
enough drugs already, or should I say medication, or maybe pills (with
occasional recreational use of Advil to help me take the edge off and draw
more)

Im listening to the Beastie Boys Pauls Boutique album, and am enjoying

it quite a bit. For some reason it just fills me with joy listening to these three
guys (beasties) rap.

Theres one quote from Leonardo da Vinci that that I just heard, which is
now one I really love. It goes like this:
The most praiseworthy form of painting is the kind that most resembles
what it imitates.

You know, Id kind of like to think of my work as an uplifting and creative

alternative to lame television shows. I guess it would kind of be like Stephen
King novels, Steven Spielberg, Kevin Smith and Woody Allen films, Aimee
Majors website, alternative music CDs, the radio, Jhonen Vasquez, Alan
Moore and manga comics, anime, and Ken Wilber books. Im not sure if Im
going to draw before my life drawing class today, but I definitely think Im
going to read and meditate today, probably in a couple minutes. Im
currently reading The Art of Happiness by Howard C. Cutler and his
holiness The XIV Dalai Lama, who is believed by some Tibetan monks to
be the reincarnation of the Buddha of compassion, but the Dalai Lama
denies this with strong conviction, so its tough to know whom to believe.
Ive already read two small books and one barely-above-average size book.
They are the Dalai Lamas Book of Wisdom, Te Tao Ching by Lao Tzu, and
One Taste by Ken Wilber. Im also reading a biography book on Spielberg
at the same time Im reading The Art of Happiness. Im not sure what Ill

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read next after I finish these two books. Perhaps a graphic novel trade
paperback of some sort or a whole bunch of individual comic book issues I
havent read yet. I definitely want to read more of Wilbers work. After I
finish the two books Im reading, Im still trying to decide which of my
many books Im going to read next. My choices are Awakening the Buddha
Within by Lama Surya Das, the Nobel Prize winning novel Soul Mountain
by Gao Xingjian, On Writing by Stephen King who is good at writing any
kind of book, and A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave
Eggers. Aside from these books, I have many other novels to choose from. I
also have Fight Club, High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, Little Green Men,
Bridget Jones Diary by Helen Fielding, Harry Potter: books 3 and 4,
Hannibal by Thomas Harris, the paperback version of The Green Mile,
October Sky by Homer Hickam, Tis by Frank McCourt, 1984 by George
Orwell, Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin, an Isaac Azimov novel, Dracula
by Bram Stoker, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, Being and
Nothingness by Jean-Paul Sartre, The Story of Philosophy by Will Durant,
The Letters of Vincent Van Gogh, and Story by Robert McKee. This is not
including the many art books I have and the many other books I want to buy.
Well, right now were having some relatives over. Beth, Sis, Mike (the
heavyset chef person) and one other person whose name I cant remember
but would feel too rude asking what it is if I were in front of her. I just
showed them a bunch of my new artwork and they were really impressed.
They liked it a lot and said it was awesome. Getting compliments on my
work is always nice. Despite this encouraging praise, Im still going to force
my ego to remain a minute spec in the vast ocean that is my bodily form. Its
kind of made me think. I dont really know my relatives that well. I need to
pay attention and get to know them better. Beth bought a house that shes
renovating herself. Impressive is one term to use, which can describe my
reaction, to say the least. I ought to draw some artwork for the family, which
is what they suggested that I do. I need to spend more time getting to know
my family, especially Beth, Mike and Sis. Theyre such nice people. Their
kindness and friendliness is a beautiful thing. Its so welcoming that its
beautiful. I was kind of nervous sitting at the table with everyone, but that
seems to happen every time we have sudden visitors. I need to work on that.
Work on my openness to talk to people I dont know, as well as my direct
family and practicing compassion. I need to view everyone on an empathetic
human level. Ive realized something. I seem to have the ability to express
myself eloquently through my art and through written words in my writing
in this journal, why cant I carry myself in person the same way. Ill look
like such a dork at book signings, if I produce any work thats worthy of a

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book signing, which is something that Im not counting as a thing that will
actually happen. In a way, it was weird. When I was sitting at the table
listening to one of the relatives talk, it felt like I was sitting in a sort of
cosmic and ultimate sort of reality. Like there was no me or the relative that
was sitting across from me. There was only her hand motion and the words
or sound of her voice. It was like some sort of a cosmic consciousness. It
didnt feel medication induced, but it was like an amazing sense of the
ultimate cosmic reality. It was tough to pay attention to anything because I
was so consumed by the spiritual feeling. It felt good and larger than
anything Id experienced before, even though it was in the space of a regular
sized room. I dont know if I was enlightened, because it wasnt as
compassionate as Id think an enlightened state of mind would be, but it was
certainly an amazing feeling. Kind of like what Ken Wilber describes as the
witness or emptiness. It was so powerful it was almost frightening.

Well, Im leaving for my life drawing class in about ten minutes.

Like usual, Im not sure what to write about now, but I suppose that okay,
since Ive been writing all day today and Ive written around 5 and a half
pages in one day, which is a new record for me for a singular day. I chose
not to draw today other than from being in the life drawing class for two
hours, which I suppose will suffice for good practice, or at least I hope so.
Like one famous artist or writer once said I draw and write just as I breath,
except he only said the former. He didnt include both.

This is not very good. Im already kind of fucked on portfolio deadlines.

Well not really. I just have a short amount of time to do a lot of hard work,
but I think Im really up to the challenge. Now Im going to have to work
even harder. I worked very hard today. I wrote all day, read chapters out of
the two books Im reading, socialized with relatives and showed them my
artwork at the dinner table, plus I drew portraits for about two hours in my
drawing class, but thats just the beginning. Not only am I doing all these
things, but Im also working at my day job on Fridays and weekends, taking
a web design course, and now Im probably collaborating occasionally on
two mini-films with Andy S and Stephen H (writing a script for Andys
action/adventure film for kids, and now Stephen wants me to take up the

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honor of directing a short war film that hes currently writing. Now all I
need to do is pray for some extra time to relax. So lets see theres my day
job, the life drawing class, writing in this journal, my portfolio, the website,
the short films, and the web design course. Im really going to have to
manage my time, work my ass off for real, and make a schedule probably.
Ive been working really hard lately. Im a busy man and Im working hard,
kind of like a professional in a way. I think I have the mind of a successful
person and the work ethic to become very successful, but I guess well just
have to see.

Its 11:15 at night right now. I need to turn the computer off, go to bed, and
get some sleep before I get anxiousness, depression, or desperation.

There are some film directors that are new to me, who have made some of
the films I love. Ill mention their names. Theres John Hughes (Home
Alone, Ferris Buellers Day Off), Richard Donner (Lethal Weapon), Ridley
Scott (Blade Runner, Alien), and of course theres the directors that Ive
heard of but whose films are a lot of which I havent heard of. They include
Oliver Stone, Spike Lee, Gus Van Sant, Woody Allen, Akira Kurosawa
(Seven Samurai), Francis Ford Coppola (the Godfather), David Lynch,
Martin Scorsese (Goodfellas), Alfred Hitchcock, Ron Howard, Stanley
Kubrick (Eyes Wide Shut, the Shining, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Lolita, A
Clockwork Orange), Frank Capra (Its a Wonderful Life). Then there are the
ones I know a lot about. Stephen Spielberg, Tim Burton, Robert Zemeckis,
Quentin Tarantino, Kevin Smith, and M. Night Shyamalan. I think now
would be a better time than ever to study film directors and just movies in
general, since Ill probably be making an actual film pretty soon.

I was watching Samurai Jack though and I actually like that show. However,
I only saw the last seven or so minutes of it.

Reading three books at once. I just started reading a very short book,
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom, and I like what Ive read so far. Ive
been dying to get back to reading books that actually tell dramatic stories,
rather than just ones with concepts and wisdom. Thats good to a point, but

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for me Im eventually going to want to get back to reading dramatized

literary stories, and Tuesdays with Morrie seemed to me in the early morning
like the perfect fit, and its short which is the best thing other than the fragile
humanity thats manifested in the story, which is another reason why I like it
so far.

I was just having a conversation with my mother about organizing time and
making a schedule. I think to quiz me (Im assuming to see if I knew how to
manage myself), my mother asked What IS a schedule?
Organization of the universal continuum that is time?
She nodded in agreement with a confused look on her face that said she
didnt expect that kind of an answer.

One piece of advice Id love to offer to writers while theyre just

developing their skills is fuck grammar! Just get the ideas, syntax,
dialogue, descriptions and pacing down first and after it sounds right and
flows well, then go back and check grammar to make it more technically
correct, but dont worry about grammar first. Thats like approaching
working on a piece of fine art but not concentrating on the feel and getting
the form or gesture down, and only concentrating and going by proportions
first, instead of just going back and correcting the proportions afterwards.
Youre dooming yourself to uncreative rigidity and frustration by
approaching these things those ways. Go with the feeling first and then go
back and make it accurate and editing or refining it. Put yourself in your
work. Whether its your personality, your opinions, your experiences, your
feelings, or all of those things. It doesnt really matter what, just as long as
some of you is in there.

A small ego is an invaluable tool in the quest for attaining big goals and
becoming truly successful. True personal success is manifested through
humility, and true personal failure is manifested through arrogance.
And
Genius is not by any means completely a matter of inspiration. Its more of a
matter of very, very hard work.

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Or
Compassion and altruism are the mother and father of true happiness. They
create it and nourish it. Happiness, like a child, will not become wholesome
and grow if it is neglected and mistreated by its parents, and much like a real
family, one often functions better when the other two are around to spend
time with and care for it.
And Also
Anyone who concentrates solely on self-pity and their own suffering is not
truly aware of the suffering that exists outside of his or her own body, which
in turn poisons the seeds of empathy.

I have to go to work very soon, as in a few short minutes, which sucks the
big one. Maybe Ill be able to think up some more sayings later tonight after
work, though. Or perhaps Id write about something else, or by some miracle
perhaps Id draw after work for once, or even work on my web design
course some more, as I just finished doing a little bit of it.

Just got back from work and checked the Internet for a short time, then got
right back to work on the word processor. Not much going on, on the
Internet.

When I set out to write my first couple of books, I want to write something
bizarre yet intelligent, literary, and humorous all at the same time, then
something else thats heartwarming and that touches readers hearts, that
speaks a lot of common humanity (but that still has hints of cruelty in it).
Except perhaps Im bullshitting, as I dont have any solid plot, just concepts
and theories for the type of stories I want to tell. So I actually suck compared
to published writers.

Sometimes I think too much. The meditation is perfect for this. Kind of like
Mitch Albom said in Tuesdays with Morrie, except kind of stated in a

P a g e | 585

different way. My mind is so filled with various creative, spiritual, and other
kinds of thoughts that I can quickly be overwhelmed, especially when the
thoughts are not positive (those suckers that usually come right before bed
tend to depress me or make me feel like the world is ending). Like described
in Morrie, when I start meditating the vast world shrinks down to nothing
more than the rhythmic breaths that go in and out of my lungs. All I hear is
my own breathing.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 38

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August 2001

If there were one temporal indulgence that Id have a lot of trouble giving
up, it would have to be eating meat. Im just so used to it that it would not be
easy to give it up, although it might invariably happen one day, regardless of
whether or not I have an attachment to it. After all, my spiritual goal is to
give up all worldly attachment. Some attachments can be like a drug, (i.e.
eating meat). Giving up meat eating, alcohol drinking, hatred (ill-will), lying
and cursing are just five steps on the long path to enlightenment. I guess you
could say Im kind of celibate or abstinent also, but the latter condition is
mostly due to the absence of a girlfriend. Im not scared of devoting time to
another person. Im scared of getting too attached to a lover and all the
relationship pillars therein.

One question I have to ask about God is would we as a society really be all
that surprised if it turned out that God was never really there in the first
place? I wouldnt be. One other thing Ive learned is that no amount of
awards in creative or academic achievements can make up for the amount of
emptiness and solitude a person can feel in their heart. The fullness is worth
more to the heart (and therefore, the totality of the whole-self as well) than
any amount of awards or reverence is, and that fullness is brought about by
compassion and affection, not necessarily Jesus or God. There are more
important things than achievements, like kindness, good health and universal
love. Being a god (Im talking about a supernatural deity here, not an
idolized person) has got to be lonely after a while. I think one of the
problems with contemporary culture is the overwhelming sense of
loneliness, unhappiness and lack of depth or affection that so many regular
people feel in their hearts, when really the keys to happiness lye within ones
own mind and were all not really as lonely or non-intimate as we think we
are. We dont need a lover to feel intimate. Simple hugs, a meaningful and
affectionate conversation, touching other people (like with a handshake), or
making contact with a pet can all be forms of intimacy. Having someone
who were close to and can talk to, openly, about things that are very
personal to us can make us less lonely. Sexual desire is often too quickly
automatically associated with intimacy, when in fact sexual desire and
relationships fueled by sexual desire are goals that are quite simply not
worthy of our efforts, because those types of relationships will not last for
very long, and certainly not for one fourth of a century. Thats why the

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marriage of my adoptive parents has lasted one year longer than a fourth of a
century, because theyve built a relationship on much more than just passion.
Their relationship has been built on sharing, affection, and compassion, and
its one of the most meaningful and deep ones that Ive ever seen in my life.
Sure it has its ups and downs, but you could say that about all marriages and
at least overall it still remains very stable, even in times of turbulence. My
parents have experience in relationships. Anyone whos been married for
twenty-six years has experience in relationships and definitely knows a thing
or two.

I dont think spirituality should be looked upon as something magical and

mystical. It should be looked upon as something humanistic and pragmatic
thats based on deep human thought devoted to others.

Ive been on this computer for around 2 hours, and Im going to draw at
exactly around 4 this afternoon, so I have about 17 minutes left. And guess
what? Im beginning the inking process of my cyber-angel portfolio piece
today. And Im serious about it this time! Im not starting any new drawings
until Ive spent a decent amount of time inking this piece and restarting the
inking process many times over if I have to. Its going to be frustrating and
laborious getting the inked lines just right and perfectly smooth, or at least
close to that. Actually, I think Im going to start early, go to my room now,
read some more of that interview in Rolling Stone with His Holiness, the
Dalai Lama, and then get to working hard.

Well, good news. Very good news. Extremely good news! I started inking
my third or so portfolio piece today and I finished the entire body and spiked
staff of the cyber-angel in one day!! Hells yeah! Now all I have to do is ink
(and possibly redraw) the head, hair, and wings. Then Im completely done
and this piece is out of the way. Its taken me forever to get around to, but I
finally got to work on it today. After this ones finished, I can move onto
other pieces. I was meditating earlier today also, but I had to quit early so
that I could get to work on The Cyber-Angel with full effort, and it worked!
Whenever I meditate, I do it Zen style. I meditate fairly often. Not always
every day, but quite often nonetheless. Its 8:54 p.m. right now, and I think
Im going to get back to drawing for possibly another hour at around 9 p.m.

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All I can say is that Im extremely pleased with how the portfolio piece has
turned out so far. I feared that Id get too shaky, mess up, and have to start
over a bunch of times, but that hasnt happened so far, and I got it on the
first try! That kicks ultimate buttocks (See also: arse, ass). This just goes to
show that if I really put my mind to something and make a real concentrated
effort, I can do it! And I need to do it as soon as possible. So overall today
was a very productive workday. Maybe Ill read tonight instead of draw
some more, and that will be okay because I got back to work on my portfolio
piece. This portfolio needs to be done in less than four months, so Im not
going to be able to dilly-dally at all. Im working as hard as I can.

Lets see. What is wisdom? I think a lot of wisdom is compassion and

altruism. I dont know if Ill ever be perceived by the masses as a wise
and/or prolific, or a brilliant person. Quite frankly, thats more for the
masses to decide anyway. I believe I have more decency than quite a few
American musicians and Howard Stern, though (it must be tough to be
viewed as a decent persons when he has the type of talk show guests that he
has, with the porn stars and whatnot). If I wrote a novel, Im not sure how
well it would do commercially or what kind of audience it would have, but
Id be sure to attempt writing it decently, to the best of my ability.

If I made some sort of a mainstream film, like most mainstream directors

Im assuming that Id have to attend some sort of a Hollywood premiere. Id
also probably have to watch a lot of movies, both popular ones and nonpopular ones. That should be a lot of fun. Also if I wrote a novel, Id
probably try to read a lot more novels written by people who arent myself. I
need to see how others approach writing novels, and that might make it
easier to approach writing my own books.

If I become some sort of celebrity, and am open about my Buddhism, that

might be kind of weird. People who I dont know and who dont even know
me would know that I practice Buddhism. Even if I was some type of
megastar film director or animated series producer or creator, Id still make
an effort to have contact with my audience and stay humble, even if I were
to make $2 or $5 million a year and had millions of readers. I guess Id kind
of have to make public appearances. Perhaps even ones where I have to

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make speeches in front of a large audience, like presenting or accepting an

Oscar or an Emmy in front of many millions of people both in the
auditorium and watching me at home on their televisions, in over 100
countries across the world. That would be intimidating to say the least. I
dont really like using the term fans, because I dont view the fans as below
me. Were all on the same plain really. Were all human and we desire
happiness.

I guess Im kind of intimidated by being famous, because that would mean

Id have to do a lot of interacting with people when I tend to be kind of
outspoken. I guess Ill just have to learn to have more confidence in both my
physical impression and my words or theories. I dont know if I actually
have any serviceable type of charisma.

The present is what it is. Now is now. Then was then. The past can never be
changed, regardless of how much we want it to. Dealing with the past and
learning to accept the present (or perhaps vice versa of the former and latter
would be more appropriate) is all part of the chain of life, or the chain of the
human races sentient existence. Im not sure if the distant past haunts
animals and insects like it does humans (thats a matter of analyzing the
enigma of perception), but animals have memories just like humans. The
present is often perceived as a very bizarre quandary. Perhaps existence was
not as confusing 100, 200 or 1,000 year ago because maybe there were not
as many complex issues happeningin society, on the news, and in the
mediabut that may be doubtful. Like some people have said, the fact that
people have pets is primarily because of the humans disconnection with
nature and their paradoxical desire to reconnect with the universally
profound beauty of unrestrained and unclouded nature. I say its paradoxical
in the fact that on the surface, one would wonder why man would even have
an urge to get closer to nature when he has technology, intellectual power,
and evolutionary progression at his disposal, with two of the aforementioned
specifically human creations practically at his finger tips, and the latter
getting him to the plateau hes currently at today. But man needs nature like
he needs shelter, food, water and compassion, or even God perhaps (but the
last one is doubtful). Nature is mankinds original parent, or to be more
contemporary and PC, legal guardian, hence the term mother nature. But
mankind is just a single member of the family of sentient beings all having a
family reunion found within the house that is the totality of cosmos.

P a g e | 591

So one question I have is what is philosophy? From what I looked up in

Websters New World Dictionary, its defined as The study of the
principles underlying conduct, thought, and the nature of the universe or
The general principles or laws of the fields of knowledge.

Well, I have my drawing table all adjusted with the light table set on it now,
and the half-inked portfolio piece on top of it as well. Now all I have to do is
get to it, but I thought Id write a few things before I really get to work, and
so I am. For entertainment, its kind of weird. My life feels like its lacking
good quality entertainment sometimes I have this weird thirst for
entertainment that feels like it needs to be satisfied, and oddly enough it
often goes without satiation most of the time. I realized I have some sort of a
talent for creativity, storytelling, visual style or composition and
entertainment. I kind of have somewhat of a sense for these things, knowing
what makes a movie, TV show, comic book, whatever enjoyable, at least to
me. So I guess an entertainment job is just the job for me, but its not like
Im above doing a regular job. I just enjoy regular jobs a whole lot less. I
dont just get spiritual fulfillment from my contemplative exercises, if
theyre not full-on meditation. I get a lot of spiritual energy and fulfillment
from creative things like drawing, writing and reading. There can be a lot of
spirituality for me in those things too. Creating has become sort of like
eating, breathing and sleeping to me. The acts of creating cartoons and
comic books generally fascinate me. I used to love getting home from school
every day when I was in elementary and middle school to see what kind of
cartoons were on the TV, but as time has gone on Ive become more
intrigued by the act of making good cartoons or comic books than actually
watching or reading them. Im an egotist like that. I have much more artistic
knowledge from taking personal animation lessons for two years, so Im in a
better position to know how to make animation and sequential storytelling.
The only problem is that a lot of cartoons seem to not have much depth,
due to the fact that because of the medium theyre working in, the writers
take quite a few liberties which can in turn eliminate the aspects of depth
and realism, thus making the storytelling approaches somewhat less credible
as compared to a medium like film, live action television, or comic books.

I finished a part of the web design class earlier today not too long ago, and it
went well. My father doesnt look like hes doing too well. He looks very

P a g e | 592

tired and sick. I hope hes not dieing. I hope to God hes not dieing. Im not
sure how this four-person family would manage without all four members
being intact and alive. I dont think either my brother or myself are prepared
to live in a one-parent family.

When the Dalai Lama accepted the Nobel Prize, he accepted it on behalf of
Mahatmas Gandhi and the six million Tibetans who are oppressed by the
Chinese government, and he works on behalf of all sentient living beings
that suffer. Mahatma Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, His
Holiness the Dalai Lama, Oscar Schindler, and Leonardo da Vinci are some
of my very personal heroes. Money is not anywhere close to being a driving
factor behind my way of thinking. I think the thoughts that I do because
theyre of importance to me and just as there is no guarantee that Ill have a
long life, there is also no guarantee that my methods of thinking and
approaches to analyzing reality will be of use to anyone else. Im at altruistic
liberty to say that Im not motivated by greed, fame, praise, respect or
power. I have no intention to dominate. Domination often leads to
oppression of personal rights, and when rights are trampled, a persons
ability to attain happiness is often crushed or invaded by another persons
will. I dont believe anyone has the right to impose their personal will upon
the blessings of liberty that the nation gave to another person (or other
people), especially not in the United States or any other country for that
matter. Im skeptical about whether or not I possess a charismatic nature, but
I do struggle to attain a genuinely egoless and altruistic nature. I still have a
while to go, but at least Im getting there. I dont know a whole lot about
traditional philosophical study, but I can seem somewhat philosophical at
times. Knowledge and perception, if honed to a point, dont seem to have
any concrete boundaries or confining walls. They, like the cosmos, to what
humans know currently dont seem to have a limit or ending point. I already
know Im an analytical thinker, but I honestly could care less if Im ever
recognized by the rest of the world and society as one. The gratifying
privilege of knowledge is all I need to feel intellectually satiated, not
gratification through public assumption. To me, confirmation through public
and societal assumption seems very superficial and shallow to me. Thats
like saying youre automatically more important or moral if you become
rich. Wealth does not indicate moral wisdom. Only true acts on behalf of
humanitys benefit will prove that. Simply being smart or intelligent
isnt necessarily whats going to make me, or anyone else for that matter,
happy. I may be dumb and ignorant as a rock and not even know it until

P a g e | 593

someone whos a lot more intelligible informs me. My whole perceived

exterior reality might one day in fact turn out to be nothing more than an
illusion and fallacy

Would you look at that. I have to get back to working on my portfolio piece
in a few minutes. I really want to quit writing in this journal altogether for a
certain amount of time, but the last couple of journal files have just been
deep and eye opening to me, so it seems tough to stop writing.

I guess being a creative often involves the courage to travel down

unexplored avenues of thought. That and toleration for ambiguity.

Some writers who I believe have a captivating way with words, stories and
concepts are Stephen King, Mitch Albom, and Dave Barry, who are both
friends with Stephen King. These three people are all best-selling authors.
That would have to be nice having other friends who are novelists. Im very
inspired by these three people: Stephen Kings uncanny ability to tell
captivating stories with good syntax that just makes you want to turn the
pages until the book is over and done with, Mitch Alboms talent for telling
stories with simple yet inviting humanity (with some profoundness thrown
in), even though hes only written one major book, and Dave Barrys
whos won a Pulitzer Prizeability to come up with very inventive and
creative ideas, even if theyre just meant as jokes. These three writers
influence me in this way. These are three contemporary writers who inspire
me a lot. I also like Ken Wilber, Michael Chrichton, Alan Moore, Brian
Michael Bendis, Kevin Smith, M. Night Shyamalan, and Neil Gaiman, but I
must have mentioned these guys fifty times before this.

In about 30 minutes or so, Im going to resume work on my portfolio piece

today, but then again I usually say that and I dont get to work until 4 hours
after the time I say Im going to work. Maybe today will be different. I just
need to write all stupid things and that way I wont want to write anymore.

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The website Im building with Tony is a really good one in my opinion. I

dont know why hes neglecting working on it so much. I really want to get
done constructing it. Perhaps hes very busy. If I cant think of anything else
to write about in the next five minutes, I think Ill stop writing for a short
time, draw and do some other things. Actually I think Ill do that now.

Its like the more depth something has, the smaller an overall audience it
ends up with. Its like genius and prolific minds have no place in the real
world or in popular culture. Thats a tragedy within itself. The Buddha
would probably have give contemporary culture a pep talk if he was alive to
know this would have happened. Im not in the mood to say anything deep
right now. Ive said enough deep and profound (ha ha. Very funny. My
wisdom is a joke) things in the last couple weeks. I need to get back to
reading and then draw when Im done with that.

It seems that in the past, I seem to have hinted at wanting to do an analytical

study of over animal perception. I looked at my pet cat Tigger and it made
me wonder if she was at all aware of the concept of death or birth at
moments other than those at the points of death and birth. Are animals aware
that they cease to feel when they no longer live, or are they only aware of
instinctual drives in the here and now. Are they entirely driven by instinct
with not much consideration given to intellect, due to their brains capacity?

Some people dont seem to have the capacity to feel compassion for people
they dont really know. Actually, that could probably describe everyone in
the town or possibly country I live in other than small amount of more
compassionate people. One thing I definitely need to focus on in my
meditation, other than the reality of death, is impermanence, the concept that
nothing is permanent and nothing lasts forever. I think true buddhahood,
aside from the embrace of loving compassion and ceaseless altruism, is
acknowledging impermanence and not being afraid of death or keeping it in
the back of your mind all the time. Were all going to die one day, so we
might as well get used to that fact. But that doesnt have to make you
depressed. It doesnt make me depressed. It simply makes me realize that I
need to live my life to its fullest and help other people, not just myself. I
dont think I have anywhere near as much fear of death as I used to. So I

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guess two future topics that I need to expound upon some time are animal
perception and dieing. As a matter of fact, Im more worried that if I die
before my brother, since neither mom or dad will be alive at that time if we
die of old age, what will happen to Andrew. How will he deal with
loneliness and solitude? Because I know he doesnt handle being alone very
well. He always wants someone, usually me, to talk to.

I worked on the portfolio piece some more, earlier tonight and I meditated as
well as read some from the books Im currently reading, Tuesdays with
Morrie and Spielberg by Frank Sanello, and Im feeling kind of high-strung
right now. This usually happens around this time, so I dont really need to
worry. Overall Im happy now, because for the portfolio piece, in addition to
having the body and staff fully drawn and inked, I now have the wings done
also (finished them tonight). Now all I have left is the head and the hair.
Then its finished completely, and after that, I take it to Kinkos and make
some Xerox copies of it for preservation like my last two illustrated portfolio
pieces. I just finished getting my room all set up for me to sleep in. Laid and
spread my bed sheets out, put the stereo controller on my headboard, and
aligned the pillow and everything. Now all I do is carry on writing until I
become tired, then save my writing, shut the computer off completely, and
then go to bed to sleep, while listening to some Mozart as I slowly fall
asleep. Today my father told me that he signed me up for some more life
drawing classes, so that problem is resolved, but Im not sure if it was a
problem in the first place. Now all I have to do is prepare for tomorrow.

I think Im going to make a better storyteller than I give myself credit for.
Writing a novel is probably not as hard as I assume it is. The only problem is
starting it and writing it consistently well until its finished.

My breath smells like vomit. I just hate it when my breath smells like puke.
Well, perhaps hate is too harsh of a word.

I just got done reading part of all four of my books for an hour. I havent
even read one of my now old journal folders in God knows how long, but at
least Im doing productive work. Its like how my work output far outweighs

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the time I spend basking in my own glow, seeking compliments, trying to

receive things from other people, being self-appraising, or kissing my own
ass. I dont have time for those egocentric things. Like Ive said before, I
strive to attain egolessness, and I can honestly say that Im getting a bit
closer, but still have a long way to go. I give my mental, physical, and
creative best as much as I can, but in my opinion its still not good enough
by my personal standard. When I speak of my views around other people, I
need to show more confidence and learn to speak with more conviction. Its
an awful lot easier when I stop antagonizing other sentient beings. I dont
think I enjoy viewing other people as enemies, like I used to. I used to
antagonize people whom I didnt like very muchactually who I disliked
very muchsuch as a certain aspiring ego driven musician and some certain
private school classmates, or a certain countries mainstream culture
(Americas). Antagonizing things and people does not do much to benefit
myself, or my cerebral properties. I guess basically my opinion is it doesnt
matter how good I get. I can always do better and make my ego smaller.
Well, Ive gotten all of my work done for today. After I wrote in this last
time, I mediated for ten or twenty minutes and felt wonderfully happy,
compassionate, and spiritual after I finished. Then I worked on my web
design class some. Apparently money is very important to him as well. We
also talked about whatever else was important to him. The thing that came to
mind for him was his career and being successful. I then got into the topic of
how he measured success in himself, and he listed off various factors that he
considered to be an important part of being successful. I also tried to suggest
to him that it was important to give and not just take all the time, but I think
its tough to get that point through to him. I was just glad we had a
meaningful conversation. Well, it was meaningful to me anyway, because
we talked about important things, and I think we both agreed that family was
just as important as money (although I think its worth a lot more than
money). So I got to know my brother a little bit better while I was drawing
him (I ended up drawing Andy instead of my parents). After that I started
redrawing the Cyber-Angels face a bit, which is going well. So I did work
on the portfolio piece some today like I set out to do (A relatively small
amount of work, but work nonetheless). The re-rendered version of her face
looks much more womanly, more attractive, and Im a lot more pleased with
it now, but it could still use some reworking, so Im not out of the frying pan
yet. It felt good having an important conversation of worth with my brother
and seeing us come eye to eye on a few topics made me respect him more
than I did. Im not trying to preach my philosophy or my Buddhism to my

P a g e | 597

brother. I just want to try to help him see what really matters in life (giving
to other people and whatnot) and see him live a happy life.

I just got back from my 2-hour life drawing class and I think I ended up with
a new portfolio piece. So Im about to have around 4 portfolio pieces in a
couple days if I keep working hard. Thatll be cool. I still have a decent
amount to go, though.

After the Cyber-Angel illustration is finished, Ill have about 4 decent

portfolio pieces done. Theres the cigarette smoking hippie with the smoke
lady, the Cyber-Angel, the nude woman with the floating cloth, and the
portrait drawing of the two faces that I finished in life drawing class
yesterday, so thats four. And there should be plenty more to come. After I
finish the illustrated pieces, I move on to gesture drawings and capturing
movement in people and animals. The good thing is that theyre all in
different styles and have different looks to them. Two are in traditional
pencil, one is going to be in ink, and the other is in charcoal. Theyre all
detailed and the anatomy is good also. Im proud of all of them. I decided
not to use the John Lennon piece for my portfolio, though. I can do much
better than that piece of crap, especially now. Im eager to just do some
practice drawings at my desk to see how the life drawing classes have
affected my ability. I want to see if Ive made any kind of a breakthrough.
Im eager to just draw for fun. For the hell of it (in other words). I havent
really said anything that shows a deep observation in the past two days, but
thats because Ive been focused on drawing instead of writing, philosophy,
or spirituality, and right now thats a very good thing because Ive been
getting some pretty damn decent drawing done lately if I may say so myself,
and Im gotten to read and spend quality time talking to my family. Before I
wrote in this journal, I was playing Final Fantasy VII on my Playstation, and
if felt good because I havent done that in a while. Spiritual practice takes a
lot of work and it doesnt come easily. Thats the tough thing about it. Not
everyone can instantly have an integral spiritual essence. I sure as hell
didnt. I think Ill go read now.

When I draw and craft pictures from out of my imagination, my mind, my

eyes, my hand, the pencil, and the paper are all one. When I draw and

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imagine images, the visions in my head somehow manifest themselves

directly onto the page. Theyre no longer just thoughts and images in my
head. The thoughts of artists from the 1800s have become immortal this
way, because the artists visions, their work, and their names outlived the
artists themselves by hundreds of years. Its easy to get a sense of this
concept. Just go and visit any historic museum. Its truly an amazing thing.
Maybe my own work will outlive me one day, and that kind of startles me
but fascinates me at the same time. Ah, the enigma of mortality. It is quite
the puzzle.

Listening to Weezer right now. Weezer is good.

I think it would be useful to analyze the nature of the sage if we are to better
understand the greater nature of ourselves. Everyone from the Buddha to
Jesus of Nazareth (Jesus was not God or the son of God in my opinion, but
he was a sage) to Lao Tzu to Mother Teresa to Pope John Paul II to HH the
Dalai Lama to Mahatma Gandhi. When these people die or when they have
died, the world generally mourns their losses because theyve done so much
to help humanity. I think any person whos been knighted by the queen of
England is also considered a very important person.

I love it when I can just sit down at the computer chair, then words and ideas
just come out like its nothing. Its times like that when I get a lot of writing
done. Im in a mood to be philosophical right now, but I cant seem to think
up anything to philosophize about. Maybe I should go meditate and then get
back to writing in this journal for a little bit more.

Got back from work. Instead of going to back to writing in this journal after
I finished meditating, I slept for about an hour, and then went to work, but
Im back!! Oh, how Im back. Ive returned to the Promised Land, or should
I say computer screen.

I think Id like to analyze just what makes someone here in the US different
from a person in another country overseas and across the world, and what

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makes them the same? That would involve carefully crafted observations,
but there are some basic components. The two people both breath carbon
dioxide and oxygen. They both will eventually die. They were both born at
one point. They both eat food and drink liquids, they both desire to be happy
and both invariably suffer at certain points. I think they both would want to
survive and feel comfort. However, they may both have different views of
each other and the world, they may be into different cultural foods, may both
live different lifestyles, perhaps both have different incomes, both have
grown up in different societies. They may both even have different types of
accents or speak different languages and practice different religions.
Chances are good that they both will probably never meet each other and get
to talk to one another, unless its over the Internet. However, I think if the
opportunity arises where they both got to meet each other talk to each other,
and exchange knowledge, ideology, philosophy, and observations, I think
both sides would intrinsically benefit from the experience. Who knows?
They may even like each other. If you hold two people from different
countries next to each other, then strip away their languages, skin colors, and
cultural distinctions, youll obviously find that their basic human qualities
remain practically identical.

There are stages of consciousness which I never remember after they

happen. They are the waking stage and the falling asleep stage. The falling
asleep stage may resemble the process of death and the waking stage may
resemble the process of birth and rebirth. Also there is personal thought, and
then there is transpersonal thought. The epitome or personal thought, or
perhaps even solipsism would be (in my opinion) a newborn baby. The
epitome of possessing transpersonal thought would be the Buddha or Lao
Tzu, the enlightened ones who either discovered or embodied the term one
with all things, who were able to see the suffering and joy and
transcendence of everyone else. When one thinks about it, it makes sense
considering a newborn baby or young baby to be a living manifestation of
solipsism. It explains when if you see a baby with a toy it loves, and an adult
takes the childs toy away, the baby automatically and unconsciously cries.
This is because in the world of the childs mind, if the baby cant see a toy
or its mommy, or its daddy, in the babys mind they dont exist. If the
baby cant see it, its not there. Eventually a baby grows into a child,
teenager, and an adult that realizes that theres a world that exists beyond
and away from its direct consciousnessI finally said something half
decent again. My brain must have been on a holiday until just now.

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There are four artists who do the bizarre-dark-gothic-illustration type thing

the best. They are Tim Burton, Edward Gorey, Jhonen Vasquez, and Roman
Dirge. All four of these illustrators have definitely had influence on my
work. Except I think my artistic vision would have to be Gorey/Burton
gothic style meets sci-fi meets manga sensibilities meets American and
Japanese cinema meets funky & bizarre design sense meets fine art meets
cartoons meets indie comics (by people like Jamie Hewlett, Paul Pope, Terry
Moore, Will Eisner although hes not really Indie, and Frank Cho). I think I
proved that I could draw fine art when I drew that realistic portrait drawing
in charcoal about four days ago. Im not just limited to animation character
designs or comic books. Im eager to see how Ill do at working in color and
with paint. Now that Ive taken life drawing classes, animation lessons and
have learned a new technique for more realistic shading and rendering,
nothing can stop me from making decent drawings!

Not very long from now Im going to hit the drawing desk. I might work on
the portfolio piece some, but Im definitely going to copy some drawings out
of various books. Just not sure what Im going to copy. Maybe Ill even start
drawing now. Im not sure.

Just Drew some drawings that turned out pretty good. I think theyre
definitely showing how the life drawing classes have benefited my drawing
in general, even if its not from real life. I drew a lady in a powerful pose
based on a Gustav Klimt drawing, and the expression is emotive, the
anatomy was realistic, and the cloth look like it wrapped around the body.
That was a practice drawing too. I still need some work on scenery, wide
scenery shots, shading, anatomy and clothing. Its far from perfect, but
perfection is basically an unattainable goal as far as art is concerned. There
is only effort of 100% at the most, and a lot of practice and hard work. This
can make one artist better than many, but he or she will never be better than
all other artists. There are always people who will draw better. Like
Leonardo da Vinci. No one could ever or will ever draw as good as or better
than da Vinci, except maybe Michelangelo.

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I just got back from work. When I write in this journal, at times Im not sure
if its my mind speaking through this journal. It may be my soul speaking
through these journal pages. Had a pretty horrible workday today, but Im
not one to wallow in self-pity. Theres a difference between loving myself
and feeling overly sorry for myself. Im too strong to have a lot of self-pity. I
want to be a real leader one day, and a leader must have enough strength to
love himself, yet at the same time have humility but not feel overly sorry for
his own self. There is a great mental energy coming through me, but its
plugged directly into a deeper almost divine power. I realize that my
functionality is nothing without the integral totality of the cosmos. My mind
is plugged directly into the universal and the cosmos. Im on this Earth to
help other people because they are all part of me. Im not here just to cherish
myself, because the entire notion of the self is nothing but a paradigm
fallacy or false concept.

There are to things Ive considered becoming and being at one point. They
were a Tibetan lama, which would be one form of a spiritual practitioner
and/or a philosopher.

If there were one place I should not seek affection, it would be at my day
job. There are a lot of people at my day job who dislike showing affection
and Im sure that concept is very prevalent all across this country. I was
embarrassed when I was laughed at harshly by two rude girls (perhaps very
ignorant ones) in the Winn-Dixie parking lot for showing thankful affection
to another employee for helping me bring in carts. They were very rude
because even if you choose to sink to the level of laughing at a person or
making fun of them, you shouldnt do it in broad daylight where the person
youre laughing at can see you doing it. Thats very rude, inconsiderate, and
disrespectful. It shows a very obviously worldly and ignorant lack of
compassion. The whole situation seemed pretty ridiculous to me, because a
person shouldnt get laughed at for showing compassion or affection, but I
guess some are. I was, but its no big deal really. Id be much worse off if I
let something small like that get the best of me. At first I thought negative
things about those two girls, but I have no true ill will towards them. Just
two more sentient beings, which were beautiful in their existence. May they
find happiness, even though they may be my enemies. About two or three
years ago if this situation would have happened, I would have said some
very spiteful and hateful things in this journal about those girls, but I have

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transcended my previous mindset and come to the realization that even

people who treat me or anyone else with spitefulness, hostility, or animosity
are nothing more than just a couple more human beings who suffer like
many other people and desire to be happy, trying to achieve their own
personal harmony, although it may not be a truly transpersonal harmony.
Chances are these people delude themselves with false methods for
achieving happiness, and thats reason enough to feel compassion for them,
because they lack compassion. Basically when bad things happen to me,
after they happen Im now more likely to reflect on them, write about them,
and use common sense and rational thought to think about them more deeply
and in a more universal context, in a more compassionate way, and chances
are that when I use this method, Im not as upset when bad things happen to
me, and am able to maintain a peaceful mindset. Hatred, animosity, and
negative thought are my only true enemies. Perhaps I really am beginning to
unleash the Buddha, living Zen monk, mystic, or Ken Wilber within. And
right now Im much more happier because Ive approached analyzing a
harsh personal situation this way. Im very happy right now. I think this
recent analysis has showed that Ive matured somewhat and have made some
kind a breakthrough. Id better go to bed soon. I have a portfolio piece to
finish in the next couple of days. I most likely wont be able to finish it by
tomorrow. Im probably going to go meet up with Stephen to scout out some
locations for our film tomorrow.

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IMAGINOMICON
CHAPTER 39

P a g e | 604

August 2001

Whoa. Just saw the website of a girl who I think may draw better than I can.
She can kick my ass at drawing characters with pointy noses, and Im
perfectly fine with that. Obviously theres going to be other artists my age or
somewhat older than me who can draw a heck of a lot better than Im able
to. There are two or three people in my life drawing class who can draw
much better than I do. I dont get bitter or jealous. That would be selfserving. I admire their knowledge of the craft and try to model my work
after them and in turn hoping to make myself a better artist, by trying to see
what type of approaches they use.

Im pretty sure that if I keep writing consistently, in a couple years Ill

eventually have at least 100 or 200 journal files written. By then it would be
impossible to read all of the journal files in less than a couple weeks.
Eventually Im going to have a humongous writing file, if I take into
consideration the possible manuscript files, the journals, the miscellaneous
things, and the future script pages.

Before my brother and father get home from wherever they went, Im going
to get to drawing. Perhaps I dont have to fill up this page right away.

You know, Im not sure if Im enlightened yet, but I kind of have doubts
because I have moments of hatred, depression and anxiety in my mind, so I
guess the answer would be a resounding no. I do however seem wiser or
deeper, and I seem to have developed a much more universal and possibly
even cosmic perception, but for me it takes effort to have a profound type of
insight, so in a way thats real work and it takes a real effort, so I guess you
could say my transpersonal perception did not originally come naturally. In a
way, I view the possibility of liberation and being enlightened as on the
same probability level as winning the $12 million lottery or getting struck by
lightning, but I keep trying anyways. I practice my Buddhism with all my
heart, mind, and spirit.

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Listening to Smash Mouths CD: Astro Lounge currently. Feeling very

relaxed and calm. No worries.

I havent worked on some fictional writing in a long time. I should get back
to that, working on scene descriptions, dialogue, plots, character
development and whatnot. Another thing I want to do is pursue the habit of
ceaselessly offering praise to others, rather than myself. That type of action
hints at the true nature of egolessness. Just because my work is occasionally
good does not mean that other people dont produce great work also. Id be
one of the last people to claim superiority over the work and mentalities of
others. I have practically no desire for power and mean that with all my
heart.

Well, Im drawing at 3 oclock in the afternoon or possibly earlier. Im

starting to wonder whatever happened to the bizarre humor and satire I liked
to write so much. Ive gotten more philosophical and spiritual, so that seems
to have taken its place. I would like to combine the satire, comedy, and
weirdness with the philosophy, wisdom, and spirituality, but this is just a
theory. What matters is the performance, not the theory behind it.

Oh my god! I just saw the Invader ZIM webring, and it has to be at least 4
times as big as the Johnny the Homicidal Maniac webring. Jhonen Vasquez
is definitely reaching a wider audience with his show, but half the sites for
that show are made by people that dont even know about Vasquezs
previous comic book work. And thats very sad. His original comic books
were what hooked me onto his art style, and his style and vision on the show
are not maintained as well, or should I say is not as personal as the style in
his comic books. The good thing it seems is that Vasquez is somewhat of a
mega celebrity now and his work is really getting out there. The big problem
is that he doesnt seem to have as much creative control as he originally
wanted to have over his creations. Vasquezs work is truly reaching a mass
audience now. Im having trouble imagining how many people are watching
Invader ZIM. Its got to be getting closer to a million and it may reach that
many, in time if it hasnt already.

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Would kind of be interested in doing science fiction and fantasy type

artwork in my own style. Also, with my work, I wonder if Ill get letters and
emails, and if I do I wonder how many Ill get. It would be tough enough to
find time just to read 100 or 200 of them.

Not going to have much time to write this afternoon. Im starting drawing
early, and I dont have much time left until my scheduled drawing time
begins.

Its too bad I dont have any illustrated books by Jamie Hewlett, Yoshitaka
Amano, and Edward Gorey, three of my favorite illustrators, or at least I
think so. I have books with the work of Gustav Klimt, Tim Burton, Edgar
Degas, Katsuhiro Otomo, Chuck Jones, and Disney Feature Animation
artists, and those books serve as constant inspirations to me. I love drawing
things out of those books. Two drawing instruction books that helped my
drawing ability greatly are Drawing the Natural Way and Drawing on the
Right Side of the Brain. I have a couple books on Buddhism, Taoism, and
western philosophy also, but Ive already talked about these things multiple
times. I might read some of my books before I start drawing. Im not sure
yet.

At around 3 oclock or so (about 30 minutes ago) I drew some pictures. Im

taking a break from drawing now, even though I was there for barely any
time at all. Dont ask me why. I was hoping to be able to think up something
decent to write about, but if not Ill get back to working harder at the
drawing table than I did before I took this break.

The majority of my layout sketches would make good practice for minicomics, which could be translated into storyboards for short animated films.
Sometimes I tend to give up or get lazy when Im working on one character
or one idea for a long amount of time. I certainly need to work on that. Need
to not give up when Im working hard on a lot of details for a character,
object, or the scenery in the background. A lot of aspiring comic book
artistsand illustratorsget lazy on the backgrounds and put a lot of energy
into their characters. I dont want to do that. I want the background of a

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drawing to be just as enjoyable to look at as the foreground. Ive also noticed

that sometimes I tend to get lazy on clothed full body shots with good faces.
As a matter of fact, I think Ill go draw some more right now.

Drew for about two hours today, and Ive actually ended up with a decent
amount of good drawings so far. Now in about 10 or 20 minutes Im going
to do some of my web design class if I feel like it, and then Im going back
to drawing for the rest of the night, and maybe Ill write a little more after
nine p.m. So I have my whole evening planned out. After I draw at my art
desk, I might do some more gesture drawings of my mother or brother.

Just finished drawing the face on my Cyber-Angel portfolio piece, and I also
inked the hair. Now all I have to do is fill in the hair with ink and make it
look shiny somehow. This moment is good because the hard part is now out
of the way. The hair should be easy. I also drew a lot of drawings other than
the portfolio piece tonight. I might even draw some more after I get off this
computer (that is, if Im not too tired). I mean why not? Might as well. Had a
lot of fun drawing today. Pretty much drew all day today. Actually, now that
I notice it I am somewhat tired. In the futurepossibly that of the nearId
like to have a couple times when I spend all day and night drawing.

Its tough to believe Jhonen Vasquez is only 27 years old and hes
accomplished this much already. I think hell only be able to draw the way
he does for so long though. I wonder what hell be doing when hes 40 or 50
years old. Hes already rich, so I dont think he has to worry about money,
but it just sort of leaves me wondering what hell do for a job, if he still
wants to work for a living at that time. I think Im starting to lose my interest
in underground comic books. Now leaning more towards loving fine art,
manga, anime, and illustration. I still like comic books and indie comic
books, but Im not obsessed with them like I used to be. Hope I dont lose
too much interest in comic books or animation, since those are things I want
to do for a living, and enjoy doing for a living. I always want to challenge
myself. Maybe I dont feel like Im being challenged enough.

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Nah. Now that I think about it, Im too tired to draw anymore tonight. Its
getting late. Its almost midnight, and sleep is needed!

Probably wont write that much. Want to start drawing early and draw all
day today like I did yesterday. Perhaps Ill pick up my new comics at the
Absolute Comics store today. Now that I think about it, I dont know how
much money I own outside of the bank currently. I care that little about
money that I dont even keep track of how much I have. Also not sure how
much I have in the bank either. The only thing I keep track of money for is
to see how much there is to put towards college. I need money for college. If
I got rich, might not even keep track of my money then.

I just finished watching Monty Pythons the Meaning of Life, and woo-wee!
What a movie! It was tasteless, but still quite funny. And weird! I mean
where are you going to find a sketch comedy film that has a grim reaper with
an animosity towards Americans, an obese man who has some serious
problems with projectile vomit, men in tiger suits, talking fish with people
heads, restaurants that serve conversations instead of food, animated suicidal
leaves, corporate pirates, live organ transplants, selling children for medical
experiments, and musical numbers about conserving spermall in one
movie?!? Thats the Monty Python magic working right there. Watched
television shows for a little afterwards, and the visions behind the other,
more modern television shows humor just seemed so tame in comparison.
Its just as good as other weird things like indie comics and The Tom Green
Show.

Went out to Bennigans with my parents for dinner. That was nice. I suppose
thats all I did. Woke up, watched the movie Monty Pythons the Meaning of
Life, drove to the comic book store on my learners permit (and bought
about 6 new comic books) read a chapter out of The Art of Happiness, went
out to dinner with mom and dad, and wrote in this journal a little bit. I think
I might also draw at around 9 p.m. tonight. Today was a nice day. Didnt do
very many productive things, but thats okay.

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How would I describe myself? Well, growing up, I was neither a gothic
person nor a child of hip-hop. I was more like a geeky, intellectual, spiritual
art fanatic who wrote on the side in his journal. Yep. That would probably
best sum my teenage years up. I was never really in any sort a clique
growing up in high school (that takes to much compromising and devotion),
only spent about half a year in public school, then got switched to a private
school that had a lot less kids in it, and lost pretty much all of the so-called
friends I made in middle school. The only truly good friend of mine was
Johnny B. Chris H and the curly haired Tommy kid were loyal most of the
time. I dont miss my middle school, early high school, or early childhood
years one bit. The present is currently better and more enjoyable than any
other time in my life. I have no fear of insults, or any other connotations
thereof anymore. I used to hate anyone who used a bad word. I still dislike
nasty words a lot, but it just doesnt seem to have very much or any of an
effect on me anymore.

I only have a few minutes to write before I go to the first lesson of the new
season of my life drawing class.

Went back-to-school shopping today, and that was nice. I dont think I have
time to say anything intelligible, wise, and profound, Zen, or Buddhainspired, or even coherent right now. I just have time to write a couple
words, and then Im off to hopefully produce what will hopefully be some
beautiful drawings. My back-to-school clothes look awesome. I got a lot of
funky looking shirts, some long khaki shorts, and some black denim jeans to
go with some of my shirts during wintertime. One shirt Im particularly
proud of is a darkly colored, collared shirt that has long sleeves and patterns
with pictures of cheetahs on it. That shirt definitely compliments my look
and adds some style, especially if Im wearing black denim pants with it. In
my opinion it says that I do something creative for a living, or am a creative
person, which is why I like that combination so much.

I got back from my new season life drawing class, and it went well. Im very
worn out currently from driving around everywhere today and drawing for
an hour or two. I want to go to bed, but Im hoping Ill be able to think up
something good to write about. If not, Ill just go to bed then.

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Found out about a new artist that Ive never heard of. Not new as in
contemporary, but new as in I havent heard of him before. His name is
Ingres. Hes a painter.

I dont seem to have said anything decent in the last week or five days.
Hopefully that will change. Im still a thinker, but I havent felt much like
one recently, probably because Ive been focusing on my artwork so much
recently. I think Ive deducted an answer to this intellectual enigma. Simply
stop watching so much television and get back to doing more reading. I
havent read enough in the last few days. Im going back to school next
week, and frankly, that sucks. Its not good. Doing regular work at a regular
day job only seems to hinder my spiritual progress, because I constantly face
blatant hostility. No one likes being hated, and that includes yours truly.
Also, just because Ive commented on things like the cosmos,
enlightenment, perception, existence, compassion, being, form, and death
doesnt mean that I have to stop talking about them because Ive just talked
about them once. I can repeat different topics, place emphasis on different
parts of my theories, and view them in different ways. You know, use a little
variety. Thats always good. Or I can find new things to talk about, if I can
think up anything.

Also, I believe that its possible for a person to give off a certain feeling to
other people, or a certain aura if you will. Some feelings people should not
seem to give off when they talk are self-pity, polluted ego, standoffishness,
hostility, animosity, and hopelessness. Giving off these emotions will do
nothing but drive other people away.

Also, I think there are two pillars of intellectual dialect. There are the basic
ideas (the former), and then theres the basic technical linguistics (the latter).
The basic ideas are the universal concepts and directions of the dialogue or
words, or the whole that the words form, much like the human body that all
the organs form. The linguistics is not as important, and can be superficial if
used in the wrong context, but if used right, they do serve to enhance the
execution of the basic ideas. Theyre somewhat like decorations on a
Christmas tree, primarily involving surface, so when you use fancy

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linguistics, you take the chance of sounding like a petty intellectual if the
words are not backed up by concrete or integral form.

Another universal concept is change. Im going to go draw now.

Good news. I finished my newest portfolio today! The winged Cyber-Angel

is finished! Hells yeah. It took me fucking forever, but it now is done. Thank
God, and other such notions of celebration. Now: on to the next piece. I
cant celebrate for too long. The mission isnt accomplished yet.

I think thats every writers dream to attract all different types of people, of
all different ages, genders, religions, ethnic backgrounds, nationalities, and
cultural diversities. I think thats one of the true goals of the universal, to
bring everyone together regardless of how different they may appear on the
surface. But then again, it may just be most writers goals to write a trashy
script for a movie or comic book and get rich and famous, but nothing else.
That would suck. If my work and I become popular, the diversity probably
will happen, and if thats the case, I cant wait!

The truth is that I try for humble, because I realize that Im not really much
of anything. Theres only the cosmos and its founding pillars or branches
therein. My intellect is not really personal intellect. It goes beyond the
personal. It is the genius of the cosmos. Some people might think its just
me, but it is really the cosmos manifesting itself through me. The universal
cosmos itself works through me, which is why egolessness and compassion
are so important, because other people are all part of my one body. All
things form one-body, so therefore helping other people is helping the
universe and myself as well. Empathy can be utilized to help one see this.
Im nothing without the universe. I strive to be one with all things because I
already am all things. Were ALREADY interconnected. We dont need to
seek that. Were already there. All we need to do is acknowledge it. Dharma
and karma have a lot to do with interdependence and universal law.
Buddhism isnt for everyone though. It would not be compatible with
everyones lifestyle.

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Not sure what else to write about, but thats nothing new. I think learning
to accept change is important. I have to be able to accept that the life I live,
and the world I live in is changing constantly. All things change. I was
thinking about critical reviews. If I got good critical reviews across the board
from critics, Id be shocked. I expect to at least get some bad critical reviews
for my work. Youre not a true legend or visionary until the critics despise
and scrutinize at least some of your work.

Have to go to work fairly soon, and Im hoping to think up something to

write about before then, even though thats not much time. I didnt do any
drawing today. Did read a chapter out of The Art of Happiness though. The
chapter on self-induced suffering.

The last workday I had during yesterday actually went pretty well. There
were a lot less irritating customers than usual and the work shift actually
went by pretty fast. Maybe that was because I did a lot of bagging and
wasnt really in a hurry to go home all that much.

I kind of have a weird situation. I write and draw a lot because thats what
I want to do for a living. Thats what I do best, plus its kind of all I really
know how to do well. That and being a spiritual practitioner. Sometimes I
wish I had normal skills so Id have a normal job to fall back on, such as
being a teacher, policeman, politician, scientist, lawyer, CEO, pharmacist,
doctor, surgeon, or some other, more normal job like that. The jobs where
youre guaranteed a specific yearly salary, not dependant upon how accepted
your work is. Those jobs arent as rewarding to me as the ones Im aiming to
do though. I guess the jobs I want are good because in those lines of work,
you as a single person are affecting a lot of people mentally, even going as
far as to serve as an unconventional form or therapy for some. I dont like
rejecting people. Thats for sure. I feel bad saying discouraging things to
people. Sometimes I wonder if Im the only person in my town with the balls
to question conventional logic. One would think two pages of writing for fun
in one day would be enough output for one person, but Im still writing so I
guess apparently not. I think part of the problem is due to there not being
anything good on television, movies, or the radio most of the time. The
majority of comic books suck also.

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Now that Ive been thinking, Ive realized something. The only moment I
truly know is the moment I live in at this very moment. If my mind is
constantly on the events of the past of the ones that may happen in the
future, it can make it difficult to live in the now. Ive been interested in
different things at different times. At one time I was interested in designing
videogames (fighting and role playing games) with my so-called art style
that used to be pretty much all cartoony. The art style I have now is much
more realistic, calculated, and sophisticated. At other points when I was
younger I was interested in boxing and playing the drums. At yet another
few points, I was interested in rock climbing, song writing, and playing the
guitar. But now I know what my strong points are, and Im honing them to
their zeniths. A few of the very good things Ive discovered in the last
couple of months among many, many different very cool things, include the
book Tuesdays With Morrie, Radioheads Amnesiac CD, the film Monty
Pythons The Meaning of Life, Jhonen Vasquezs animated series Invader
ZIM, the Toon Disney channel, Gorillaz (especially the animated music
video for their single Clint Eastwood), life drawing classes, and the Oni
Press online forum or message board. Man. I really do have no life! Heh heh.
I could have friends, but instead I have all this entertainment crap. Maybe
this stuff is better than friends, maybe not. Too bad Im such a recluse. I
dont hate society, but I am intimidated by it sometimes. Must remember to
check out any CDs by the hip-hop group Dr. Octagon. Right now Im
content not even bothering to write in this journal and listening to the
hypnotizing melody of the song Rock the House by Gorillaz. Gotta love the
trumpet and Del the Funky Homosapians rap on that track. They make for a
sick combination.

Maybe I shouldnt be writing much today. Maybe I should be drawing

since today is my last day of freedom before I have to go back to school.

I havent talked about drawing aesthetics in a while. Lets see, there are
anatomy, perspective, composition or layout, foreshortening, proportions,
weight, balance, pathos, line weight, distance, light, shade, form, rendering,
construction, 3-D, realism, pacing, and storytelling. Good to know that Ive
still remembered a lot of this stuff. I seem to know a lot about the basics, or
at least what their names are. Now all I need to do is put my knowledge to
use. About writing, there are many other things for that too. Theres

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dialogue, the show, dont tell rule, pacing, visual descriptions, scene
descriptions, plot, character development, symbolism, metaphors, grammar,
morals, syntax, pathos, suspense, drama, humor, linguistics, intrigue, realism
and believability, beginnings, middles, endings, editing, and plot twists.
Maybe these are academic in a way, considering that there are fundamental
basics to learn.

Its kind of weird to me, talking about making money. The majority of
people in this country only make around $20,000 or $30,000 a year. Money
motivates some people, but definitely not myself. Id rather meditate than
make money. Its more rewarding. If I got rich, it probably wouldnt faze me
that much. Lots of people want to get rich, but I dont really care. If I did,
Im sure my work would have a lot less substance and Id just be copying
everything thats popular in the mediums I want to work in, without studying
the classic masters and unconventional inspiration mediums. I have a whole
big pile of comic books stacked up next to the bed in my room, but I havent
read any of them. Ive already read a ton of comic books, and Ill most likely
read a ton more in the future, hopefully also writing and drawing a ton of
them in the process. I never believe in myself fully, because if I did that, Id
become arrogant, and I dont want to become arrogant. Ive seen people
become or just be arrogant, and I fear becoming like that. Its not a pretty
sight to see someone who has a very, very big ego and is very self-involved.
They for the most part lack key elements of compassion. I dont want to
chase after the wrong things, which are usually all things that over-involve
the self. There is no self. It is ignorance of this knowledge that causes all
amoral confrontations in this world.

I got back from work, and Im going to bed, but Im just going to say one
thing about what Ive learned from my web design course.

Ive learned that you start locally on your personal computer designing your
website with FrontPage and HTML or other types of coding, then you
upload to a web server or host in the last stage of the publication process.
And I also learned things such as the fact that you have to use all lower case
letters when creating files. .htm is most common on PCs. .html is most
common on Macintoshes. Dont use periods in file names, except for when

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separating the file name from the extension. The directory structures of the
web server that will be hosting your website will affect the format of your
sites URL. (URL stands for Uniform Resource Locator. It is another name
for a web address). An absolute path points to the computers root directory.
The root directory is indicated by a leading slash in the file path. If you
include the root directory in your path name, you are basing your directory
structure on the machine that created the website. Therefore, if the files are
moved to another machine (web server, a.k.a. host), the same path to your
files will not apply. These links will not work because the browser will not
be able to locate these files.

I got back from my first day back at school, and I got to get out early. It
went well, but there were a lot of new people I didnt know that I didnt
want to bother introducing myself to. The same teachers were there, so that
was good. Its good to see people I already know there. The main good news
was that I finished all my work assignments at the time before or around
lunchtime, which is a record for me. The best news is that I get to leave
school early, I dont have to take P.E. anymore because I have a new
elective, reading sections out of Writing the Natural Way, and doing
exercises out of that book, which Ill gladly do without any sort of hesitation
or objection, because its fun and I wanted to read that book for fun anyway.
It doesnt even seem like schoolwork, or work for that matter. This is good.
Im writing about the things Ive learned in my web design class in my
journal. This should help me remember what Ive learned and hopefully
eventually be able to make entire entertaining websites on my own. All I can
say is that the www.angelfire.com web server is god. Its more professional
than Geocities. The cool thing is that both these hosts are free to use, which
can invariably mean free exposure for whoever you are or whatever you do.
All you need is knowledge of how to build websites. The only problem
Angelfire has is advertisements in the form of pop-ups that can get irritating,
because you have to keep shrinking them and closing them. Maybe if I keep
this up, Ill one day be a website making genius (supreme webmaster), like
Tony. I already seem to have memorized a lot. I just saw Oprahs official
website, and it sucks. Too bland. I like websites with motion-filled and
animated graphics. Websites with MIDIs in the background and things to
download are good too. Websites with forums are good as well. Linksin
my opinionare not as important. My site doesnt really even exist yet, but
it may very well will one day in the near future. And maybe by the time my

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first personal website is published officially, Ill have a better knowledge of

how to actually make my own websites.

Im not sure what else to write about. Maybe I should move onto reading,
meditating, or drawing. Ill probably do something else around 5 or 5:30
tonight.

Feeling good, Doing well in school, my web design class, and the life
drawing class. Life drawing is probably my favorite, with web design
coming in a close second. I think Im beginning to be coming down with a
cold. Ive been sneezing all day today. I havent had a cold in a long time, so
I guess in a way Im getting back to the basics of mortal physicality. The
mindfully mighty brought low by minute and temporary ailments. This
certainly verified that Im classified under the species of human. All my
organs seem to resemble that of the human species.

I was just looking at the Florida Online High School website, and was
reading part of one of the future assignments, good web design vs. bad web
design, and I think it was useful. I now seem to have a better eye for spotting
what makes a bland website. I drew and meditated some today, but I could
have done better in both areas. This is probably due partially to my cold and
to school starting, so I need not worry. So now Im becoming a better writer,
artist, meditation practitioner, reader, altruist, courtesy clerk, spiritual
practitioner, director, Buddhist, philosopher, humorist, storyteller, thinker,
and website designer. I seem to be able to do all of these things better now
than I could before, and Im just going keep getting better.

I did a lot of different things today, and I dont think I actually watched any
television, except in the early morning before I went to school and to see the
local news report on the little league baseball team. Other than those times, I
worked primarily. Other than the times that I watched television today, I
dont believe that there was a time that I was not doing some kind of work,
despite beginning to come down with a cold. Im about to go to bed for a
well deserved rest fairly soon. Ill go get my bed ready. I must remember
tomorrow to get to work on my next portfolio piece soon. I cant sit back

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now that Ive finished another good one. I have to keep working hard and
striving to get better. I must keep improving and evolving, like the world I
live in.

Stephen H has complimented me in an email before, telling me that I have

the nicest mom in the world, and I think I may be beginning to think hes
right. Mom is so kind for the most part. Its amazing. Its truly a blessing to
have her as a mother. I feel lucky to have such a great family. They care so
much about me, and sometimes I dont even realize it or appreciate it. Thats
because Im an ignorant spoiled asshole. I have too many good things in my
life. Right now it almost seems as if life is too convenient for me, but I guess
I cant really complain. Im making enough money. Im not famous and I
dont have any awards, but Im getting by fine. Also, I dont plan on ever
being one of the entertainment industrys most prolific and respected voices
or figures. Ill leave that to Alan Moore, Isaac Asimov, Paul McCartney (the
Beatles), and Stanley Kubrick. These guys can continue to be a lot more
respected than me for all I care (not to sound apathetic or anything. Its more
of a sense of satisfaction with my place in the world). I definitely dont need
sex or drugs. I have the high of knowledge and liberation and transcendence.

Its kind of weird. I seem to be off in my own world sometimes. Was just
messing around with HTML and I actually made a decent layout for a
website. I wrote in the HTML text, so then the letters were in proper form,
which was very good. I was also able to make the background and letters
colored. But I did that after I accidentally erased my website file. Ive
learned that all texts that appear on the actual website need to be written
between the <body> </body> type parentheses. Basically, when I followed
the instructions for the pages that were cut out of some Internet magazine
(that were given to me by my father), I was able to create a basic website out
of nothing, even though it was nothing fancy, but the fanciness will most
likely happen in time. My websites will just get fancier. I eventually want to
have a decent website that will showcase my artwork or writing, or maybe
both of them at the same time. Have to get back to drawing though. The
truly good thing is that I learned to make a basic website all on my own! I
feel proud of the accomplishment now. Also finished all my schoolwork at
school today over an hour before I got out of school, which was nice. This
way Ill have more time for drawing and my web design class. One good
page that teaches web design isI dont remember what exactly the title

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was, but it was a good site. I must make a note to go to that page many
times, and the other one that was listed in my web design class. Maybe one
day I actually can become a webmaster, even if its just for my friends and
the like. Websites that use Flash are websites that use animated graphics. I
would like to one day make a website that used Flash. I think Im finally
beginning to see a style or voice emerging from my writing, or at least I
think its a style. My writing seems to have a distinctive pace, rhythm,
linguistic use, and decent ideas. I want my writing to sound natural, not stiff
and calculated. I want it to sound unpredictable and natural, like it flowed
right out of my own mouth, except it didnt come out of my mouth. It
originated from my mind and manifested onto a computer screen or a blank
piece of paper. And best of all, I find it enjoyable to read, which did not used
to be the case (well at least to me anyway). There are times when I have to
conceal my over intellectual philosophy in order to sound normal and
communicate to people who are used to your typical linguistics. If Im trying
to communicate in a normal way or just get a comment across, Ill most
likely steer clear of elegant words and philosophical terms for the moment,
even though Im never away from them permanently. Ill always use them at
least every once in a while. I like the idea of unraveling the mysteries of life
and existence. What we do in this world has a lot to do with how we
perceive it. Our thought will often directly affect or actions. Many actions
cannot happen without thoughts to initiate them. Maybe one day Ill explain
these things in this world to people who dont know these things yet or who
havent thought about them much at all. Perhaps Im really an academic
scholar or spiritual mystic disguised as an entertainer. Sometimes my writing
seems too intellectual even for entertainment. My ability to finish my school
work early every day thus far seems to indicate that not sleeping in class or
even listening to music, and actually putting my mind to something and
working shows that it benefits me greatly. No sleep and all work seem to
make for finishing the work with the speed of a jet or jet-propelled gaseous
in-digestion movements (insert fart sound effect here).

Its just kind of tough to explain, especially now. When I sit down to write
on this word processor, which I use to my advantage, the words, ideas,
descriptions, and theories just seem to flow like its nothing. I never seem to
run out of things to write. Im always analyzing and always attaining new
answers, asking new questions, analyzing, attaining answers, questions,
analyzing, answers, etc.

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Ive already talked about compassion and its benefits for what seems to be a
thousand times over, so Ill try to give myself some variety. Sure Ill go back
to it and constantly reflect on it in my mind, but I want to find some fresh
things to talk about, as to keep my writing from getting theoretically
redundant, tautological, or God forbid, boring. I always want to challenge
myself mentally and spiritually (fuck physically. And fuck grammar. Fuck
physicality and grammar all the way to hell!). One thing Ive learned is that I
dont need a fucking awardor any material possession for that matter
just to make my life complete. I need compassion, altruism and happiness. I
need universal love and affection. I need people who care about me, and I
them. Anything that will truly make me a more spiritually integrated human
being I need, or just an integral human being for that matter. Being a genius
is okay, but Id rather be enlightened like the Buddha. That would make me
happier than even the purest form of any brand of genius. Genius harbors
unsociability. They practically go hand in hand with wedding rings on both
their fingers.

Just today in school I learned about reacting subjectively and objectively. If

you react to observing something by analyzing it and labeling it
conventionally, you are an objective observer. If you react to an observation
by expressing emotions and feelings that go with the image, you react
subjectively. Im a mixture of both, but overall I react subjectively. I just
thought Id say this. I have to go to bed soon though.

Im almost finished reading The Art of Happiness. I have about three or so

chapters to go. I read one chapter out of that book really fast today, plus I
did some drawings also, which were much better than the single one I did
yesterday out of sheer tiredness. Ive just recently found out about a
Buddhist meditation practice known as Tong-Len, which is where you try
and imagine and embrace the suffering of others.

Ive read three decent books all in a row. One profound, one moral, and one
wise. One Taste, Tuesdays with Morrie, and The Art of Happiness.

P a g e | 620

I didnt meditate today, though. Theres nothing on television like usual. I

miss watching television, but at the same time I dont miss watching lame or
bad shows, especially sitcoms that try too hard to be funny.

Maybe credit cards are the devil. Maybe the only thing for a credit card Id
be willing to go into debt for would be financing a low budget film. That
would be about it. To get into movie making, or at least writing screenplays,
Id have to have some sort of an agent. An agent would be good for that and
publishing a novel that I wrote, except for these two things, Id need two
different agents. There are some things or elements that make good writing.
They are aspects and the state of things like poignant or poignancy (deeply
moving), intrigue (underhanded plotting that makes one excited and
curious), satire (mocking real life, or making fun of things), irony (a simple
and direct goal made very complicated and difficult, which creates conflict),
and pathos (emotion and feeling).

Well, I got my new headphones for my Sony Discman about a day ago, and
they work beautifully. I even bought an extra pair, just incase the ones Im
using now break.

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MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 40

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August 2001

Well I filled up the last journal file quickly which seems to be routine by
now, but Ive come to realize something. Im very proud to be a member of
this generation. We have access to so much more knowledge and secrets of
the universe that just werent there in the past or were not invented yet. Im
talking about a time long, long ago.

It was before the Internet and word processors, before Einstein thought up
the Theory of Relativity which endured and proved to be the most influential
scientific theory of all time that changed science and philosophy forever,
before MTV, before Columbine that influenced what seems to be a
revolution of self-centered, anti-religious, mentally unstable antisocials
causing school shootings, before Bill Clinton, before Steven Spielberg,
before Bill Gates, before the Beatles revolutionized pop music, before
Seinfeld, before Charles Manson who masterminded the Sharon Tate
murders, before the Oklahoma City bombing (and the Timothy McVeigh
execution, before Elian Gonzales or Monica Lewinsky, before The
Backstreet Boys, before The Simpsons, before Michael Jackson of Madonna
or when Eric Claptons son died a horrible death and he expressed his grief
on national television during a taping of MTV Unplugged, before the
controversial rap artist Eminem got a lot of Grammy nominations, talked
about killing his girlfriend, ended up being viewed as an advocate of
homophobia, got sued for $10 million by his own mother (his own mother,
fer chrisakes!) and made some people think that the prestigious Grammy
Awards were going to hell, before The Real World (the original reality
television show) started airing on MTV, before Monty Python, before the
sinking of the Titanic or the crashing of the Hindenberg air ship, before
Cartoon Network, Before HH the Dalai Lama or the enlightened Buddhas,
before Lao Tzu, before Mohandas Gandhi, before Charles Darwin invented
the evolutionary theory of Natural Selection which altered scientific and
philosophical thought, from that point on, as well as poked some wholes in
the mythological concept of Creationism, before the Holy Bible, before
Christ (BC!!Get it? Heh heh.), before Will Eisner, Stan Lee or Robert
Crumb, before Van Gogh or Leonardo da Vinci who led the Renaissance art
movement, before Watergate, before the original Woodstock concert in 1969
and before the third Woodstock concert, where some teenage idiots raped

P a g e | 623

people and started fires like savages, which thus killed of the dream and
spirit of the original countercultures hippie ideals, before the Civil War
or slavery, before televisionif such a concept is possible to most people of
contemporary society, before Stephen King and Elvis Presley, Before
Walt Disney, Tex Avery and Chuck Jones lead the animation revolution,
before the animated Akira film was released in the US during the 80s which
kicked off the US anime invasion from the east which took place during the
late 90s, before World War II or the Holocaust, before Martin Luther King
or Malcolm X, before the communist leaders like Karl Marx and kooks such
as Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin, before Nietzsche and even before Plato.
Its tough to imagine the mindset of a world before these things, but here we
all are, still here, still living and breathing in on this planet called Earth. Ive
listed off a lot of important old and contemporary historic moments.

I was doing my Reading Comprehension assignment in school today, when I

got an idea. There were a lot of words in there that I liked the sound of
(some of which I didnt know yet), and wanted to learn. I think Ill list them
all here. I wrote them down. They are euphemism, diminutive, heresy,
infirmity, berate, ameliorate, circumvent, compunction, repast, inexorable,
engender, acrimony, insatiable, emaciated, exodus, lacerate, permeate,
subservient, assiduous, pantheon, centennial, manifesto, spurious, luminary,
ephemeral, materialize, vanguard, plethora, dissipate, esoteric, axiom,
cataclysm, denigrate, plebian, odyssey, partisan, culpable, innocuous,
dilemma, insurrection, mitigate, somnolent, stalwart, juxtapose, celestial,
conundrum, intransigent, predilection, proxy, benevolence, paradox,
epistemology,
ontology,
lexicography,
transient,
Traducianism,
totalitarianism, anglophobia, polygamy, bilingual, existentialism, pedophilia,
necrophilia, necromancy, pentagram, crucifix, paranormal, refutation,
metaphysical, hexadecimal, paradigm, usurp, transcend, integral, martyr,
zeitgeist, and osmosis.

Also, if someone goes to a hip-hop club, the DJ is the guy who spins the
records for the beat, and the MC is the guy holding the microphone busting
freestyle rhymes and rapping to the DJs beat. Break-dancers bust a move to
this type of music. Okay, now Im starting to sound like an underground hiphop fan. Scary, I know. Actually, Im just trying to sound contemporary, like
Im up with the times. Also the term breaking a twenty *(exchanging a
twenty dollar bill for smaller amounts of change or smaller amounts of

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dollar bills) looks like a pretty cool description on the printed page, like
your using a new term, or at least thats the way it sounds to me.

Im working on Writing for an elective in my school. For my assignments,

Im doing different exercises out of Writing the Natural Way, and the
exercises so far have definitely helped my writing along. Im seeing some
vast improvements in just the last two weeks alone. I hope to live to the year
2050 when Im an old man, just so I can see how much better my writing
and drawing could get and to see what Ive accomplished.

Got back from the second class of my second season of life drawing class.
Heres the breakdown of the class routine for earlier tonight: I didnt have a
watch on, so it was tough to tell exactly how much time we all spent on each
exercise, but we did a brief amount of gesture drawings, which was still a
lot, and then went right into a long sustained pose. The gestures turned out
good, but the true gem that I produced this time around was the long
sustained pose piece. It looks beautiful, like it wasnt drawn by me (knowing
what Im capable of) but by a professional and accomplished artist who had
superior draftsmanship skills. Either that or it was definitely getting there. I
ended up with another portfolio piece. The shoulder looked very real when it
was rendered, and my teacher, Rima told me it was a beautiful drawing,
which made me proud, but not over egotistical. I didnt have excessive pride.
Just enough to make me feel good aboutand really enjoywhat I had
done. For me, thats a masterpiece compared to all the other drawings Ive
produced in the past, but I have to realize that my work is only going to get
better, more realistic, more well drawn and more interesting with the more I
work at improving.

I now have about one chapter left of The Art of Happiness to read. I read the
second and third to last chapters this afternoon before life drawing class. I
also did a writing exercise today in my regular class that turned out well. All
I can now think to say about my art is that these three (or four) or so past
years of constant practice and art instruction have really paid off! Its
working. The work is paying off. Pretty soon I might be creating whole
websites also. Im going to go to bed soon. Have some sleep to catch up on

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after all. Im just very pleased with the work I produced today, and suppose I
should be. Oh well. Done enough working for today. Im going to sleep.

I guess now is a good time to write in this journal because I have a little bit
of time left before I have to head off to school. Theres two topics that have
started to interest me a lot recently, and they are perception and
consciousness, because you dont have to have a degree to interpret these
things deeply and to what in your opinion is an integral level, or at least I
think so. Perhaps you do have to be some sort of a deep thinker to interpret
them universally. Im not sure. Either way, you have a bit intelligent to
analyze these things.

Now Im hoping to do as much hard work today as I did yesterday, or maybe

Ill do more! I think trust and faith are very similar, but there must be
something different about the two. Maybe faith is putting trust in something
you cant see directly or are not sure exists: faith in a person or deity, for
example. Got to go to school now.

Got home from school, and when I did, I went straight to reading the final
chapter of The Art of Happiness and have now finished reading it. Excellent
book. Ive learned a lot of things from that book, just like Ive learned a lot
of things from One Taste by Ken Wilber. Ive learned that truly religious
people, in order to have true conviction and not technically be a nonbeliever, has to practice their religion or their beliefs sincerely, or theyre not
really practicing. Non-believers can practice spirituality. Not mystical,
magical spirituality, because that can fall through. By spirituality, I mean
sincerity, compassion, tolerance, peace of mind, happiness, kindness, and
forgiveness. You dont even have to believe in a higher power to practice
these things. Also there are many methods people can use to sustain
themselves through hard times. For the believer such as a Jewish or
Christian person, strong conviction and faith in the divine plan of the
omniscient, merciful, and loving creator God can help sustain a person and
keeping them strong through very hard timeswhen if they didnt have that,
their mind might be overcome by desperation otherwisegiving them a
sense of hope. For the Buddhist, belief and faith in the doctrine of karma,
perhaps conviction of an atonement for misdeeds and negative actions that

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one committed in a past life, or a cleansing of bad karma perhaps, can also
help sustain one through a very difficult time, helping them get through it.
For the non-believer (humanist, agnostic like me, atheist, pantheist), perhaps
a good way to help one through hard times in this state of mind would be to
simply forget about their bad experiences, view things from a wider more
open-minded perspective (trying to see the positive aspects of negative
situations), or strong belief in ones self and the power therein. Or another
thing is even feeling comforted by another person, a piece of writing, a
book, or something else of that nature which would make the person feel
comforted and understood, will help sustain a person. For example, back
when I believed myself to be quite the atheist, when I was really depressed
or stressed out, although this may sound silly, my Jhonen Vasquez comics
(JTHM and SQUEE!) worked as a type of therapy to me, making me feel
like I wasnt alone in my silent rebellion against society, venting my anger,
serving as a form of creative escapism, and inspiring me to be innovative in
my creative work helped sustain me, along with other books and comic
books. Also my writing and drawing worked as a kind of catharsis and help
relieve me of my stress, although I find meditation more effective for that
type of thing now, because the other things dont permanently help you
escape suffering. Meditation helps a person transcend their older, more
destructive way of thinking. It also helps me to see not just the world but the
universe more clearly, speeds up the evolution of my mind, and helps me
perceive things deeper, which in the recent past has helped me write some
truly amazingly perceptive things in my journal. My reading of good books
and studying of great thinkers helped me do that too.

So I was at work today doing the usual shite. Bagging groceries, sincerely
and (I believe) compassionately asking customers how theyre doing while I
bag their groceries and afterwards offering to help them out to their cars and
telling them to have a good evening, and my mind began to wonder onto
some topics. I was wondering how one interprets Einsteins initial theory of
relativity and what the full theory encompasses, because Im not fully
accustomed to that theory now and its a tough theory to understand,
especially to the non-mathematical or scientifically scholarly mind. I also
wondered how time correlates with the universe. While thinking about this,
my mind suddenly got a sense of something universally true that was a lot
bigger than I was, and was wondering if anyone around me was thinking
along the same lines. Sadly, I looked around and saw a bunch of people with
pissed-off looks on their faces that looked like they were only focusing on

P a g e | 627

what was directly related to their personal lives. I saw what looked like no
one thoroughly trying to dissect the complexities of existence and the
cosmos. It was sad really. Maybe I am a deep thinker if I wasnt one in the
past. I dont really know for sure. I was also thinking about extraterrestrial
life in the universe and ended up asking questions about extraterrestrial life
out of nowhere. Would extraterrestrial life from another universe, if it exists
at all, have any humanistic comprehension of the concept of time or
language, and if they did, then would it be anything like the human
perception of it? Would it be a more advanced comprehension, less
advanced comprehension, or a completely telepathic comprehension? This
kind of got me started thinking about the publics perception associated with
the word genius, and I came to realize something. The general public tends
to get the wrong interpretations about things it doesnt know much about,
which isnt in the public eye, such as comic books. For most people, they
dont even know comic books are still being made. They dont know what
alternative comic books are. And for the people that do know of comic
books, they think its only for kids and geeky grownups. They think its
nothing but spandex clad semi-literate superhero stories. Thats a rather
narrow definition, if you ask me. And like comic books, people have a
narrow perception of what genius actually is. When people think genius, for
the typical person, Albert Einstein will almost always come directly to mind,
since hes the stereotype and the epitome of that word. Or for some of the
more open-minded, Nobel Prize winners. For most people, genius only
means complex mathematical equations and scientific seemingly
unanswerable formulas: Again, another narrow definition. Too me, that
seems like too much of an old-fashioned lame stereotype and clich.
*Sigh*. Damn you public! Always making presumptions and stereotypes.

One method of thinking, which I enjoy, involves free association. Actually,

it seems like the majority of my ideas come about by free association
thinking, or associative thinking, where you link different ideas and concepts
to each other, combining them and in some cases making super concepts. I
use this method of writing a lot in my journals and when Im clustering,
which is something Im pretty sure is one form of free association writing. I
think doing a lot of reading helps also. Thatll inevitably end up benefiting
my writing for the better if I do a lot of reading. I think integral moral
thinking involves a lot more important and humanitarian things than just
philosophical linguistics or theological rules. If you can find true human
values, you will also find true human spirituality, or spiritual values. I sense

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Ive made another breakthrough in my writing. I was thinking, What if you

could combine the best aspects of a spiritual pundit, an intellectual, and a
philosopher? I have to say that so far the only people and leaders who Ive
seen come close to that description are His Holiness, Tenzin Gyatso The 14th
Dalai Lama, and Ken Wilber. Jean-Paul Sartre doesnt count. Hes too much
of a hardcore philosopher. Maybe Mahatma Gandhi fits the description. Im
not sure.

September 2001

My brother doesnt do much to benefit my family. As a matter of fact I cant

think of one thing hes actually done to make life easier for this family other
than be a partial. One thing I wish I could always say to him would be He
makes more idiotic decisions than he can remember, but at least Im being
honest. Its bad karma to lie. My mother is more ethical of a person than he
is though, and when its just him in our family who are alive after mom and
dad pass away if thats the way it ends up, I think it might make me sad.
Im not going to get closer to my brother as I get older. More than likely Ill
probably become more distant, what with my living on my own in a
different state like California and the people Ill meet in the future. Ill give
my brother money to help him out and perhaps visit him every once in a
while, but I think thatll be it. I doubt Ill invite him or anyone else to my
wedding if I have one. I might just have a mini-wedding. Id rather not get
married in a church, and Im sure I want to have a secular funeral. I dont
want my death being remembered by some deceitful priest saying some
bullshit statement like Hes in Gods hands now, because I wouldnt be in
Gods hands. Not the Christian God anyways. That God is a supreme phony.
It doesnt exist. The whole Christian concept of God is a fallacy.

Financial success to me almost has to go hand in hand with enjoyment and

creative expression. To be honest I dont think Id enjoy a lifestyle where I
became a millionaire or even decamillionaire for doing something like being
a lawyer or running a tire business. Id much rather get paid lots of money
for doing something I enjoy like creating masterful works of art or telling
poignant stories. As a matter of fact, if I had to choose between making
$40,000 or $50,000 a year as a designer or philosopher or making $8 million
a year as a tire business exec, Id pick being a designer because it would be

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ten times more enjoyable. As the old adage goes: The best things in life will
always be free. The affection of my family and giving and receiving
warmhearted compassion from total strangers is much more valuable and
useful to me as a human than, say, a Playstation 2 (a Playstation 2, for
chrisake! Thats saying quite a bit for me, considering how cool Playstation
2 is) or a new car. The only thing that comes close to being that valuable or
sentimentally valuable, aside from creating a masterpiece or intelligible new
theorywhich seems beyond something Id be capable of creating is
buying a great book, film or comic book that has some decent meaning to
myself. Those things all have a certain personal perennial value that cant be
beat and theyre not really something that money can truly buy.

As far as luck is concerned, I dont think it plays all that much of an

important factor in becoming rich. I mean there are some exceptions, like the
lottery, casinos, inheritance, and owning a business during an economy
boom. But one is more likely to earn millions without reliance on luck. One
is more likely to get rich through smart business planning, a noble intent that
doesnt seek rewards, working very hard (harder than most!), and seeing
opportunities that most others just dont see. Leaving oneself open to
ambiguity, but also open to the possibility of success. With this in mind, its
good to know that I work hard and harder than others. A person shouldnt
just follow the crowd either.

For a person to achieve great success, I think one thing that can play in
important motivational role to make one work their hardest and strive for
excellence is the Ill prove you wrong, because you said I couldnt do it
factor. I mean, who doesnt want to get the enjoyment of proving their worst
critics wrong. I know thats motivated even me, the compassionate kid,
sometimes. Although it hasnt been the only thing thats motivated me over
the years to wish I can achieve success. (I seem to being going on a long
speech about success now). Another factor for achieving success (and this is
a good business strategy as well) is providing a strong, high quality,
innovative, universal product that theres a strong public demand for that
few can actually offer. Im not talking about new inventions here. Im
talking about concepts and other things that will appeal to the interests of a
lot of people. Its actually a very simple and easy-to-comprehend concept,
unless youre obtuse of course.

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One person can make a difference in someone elses life. We can all change
the world, one person at a time. Some victims of harsh circumstance who
survived and made it through and very successful people both have one
thing in common: Both were inspired by someone of noble intentions who
inspired, encouraged, motivated and/or supported or healed them and told
them that they could do it. A person who told them they could make it
through. A person who gave them a sense of hope. And all it took was that
one person. People can do great things, and examples like these are such
cases.

Whatever happened to the days when I made comics for joy and creative fun
rather than with the intent of recognition or publication, with no intent of
reaching the prizes whatsoever? It seemed like during the past two or three
years, the more my intent leaned towards wanting those prizes. I worried
about those things. As a matter of fact, when I started worrying about those
things seemed to be the time that I stopped making the Zounds! minicomics.
I havent done one of those in God knows how long. I think many of the
greatest artists did a lot of their drawings simply for themselves and for fun
rather than all just for publication and for the world to see. Only some of
their work was for that. I think thats probably one of the factors that make
work, of the artists I admire, so amazing. Artists who only have the goal of
publication and financial success and whatnot seem to be far less impressive
and productive in their output (and also far less talented), because theyre so
focused on the prize that they forget what the real prize is. The real prize is
not money, accolades or fame. Those things are just the icing on the cake.
The real prize is simply creating great drawings that youre proud of, that
make you feel good. And if you can realize that, youll be much more well
of. What you create will inspire you to make more of it and show the world
your mad skillz, and if you can be content enough with that alone, then that
will sustain you through many years of practice, and eventually after much
hardbut very enjoyableworkmoney, fame, and accolades may very
well follow if youre talented and hard-working enough.

I think for most young artists, their artwork or series ideas are not as well
thought out as they may think the ideas are, or as decent as they hope the
ideas are.

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AnywaySo I guess, yeah, you could say that Im intellectually gifted and
go to a private school. Currently I have a GPA of about 3.5, which isnt
really all that bad, although I dont really have much interest in taking up a
conventional job. Going to a normal public high school and getting a high
GPA involves doing schoolwork, taking tests, studying, and doing
homework all with full attention which is something Im not necessarily able
to do well.

Home schooling makes a big news debate topic. So do school shootings. I

ought to make a list of all contemporary news topics, do some clustering and
see how many novels premises I can write, that revolve around those topics.
Hey, who knows? I might actually come up with some decent novel ideas
that I can use to write novels about later. I keep saying that Im not sure that
Id be cut out for writing novels, but have I actually tried to come up with
any new novel ideas lately? The answer, frankly, is no. There has been a
novel written recentlyabout 1940s comic book artistswhich won the
Pulitzer. There have also been other novels about spelling bees (Bee
Season), alien abductions and how they relate to politicians (Little Green
Men), a haunted love story (Bag of Bones), 30-somethings working in record
stores and failing at many relationships (High Fidelity), a genius cannibal
(Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal) the game of Scrabble, and the real-life
story of a Irish Immigrant, which also won the Pulitzer Prize (Angelas
Ashes, and Tis). Neil Gaimans American Gods looks like a very interesting
novel also. Im an artist and a writer. Why not write stories about art.

Speaking of art. I was taking my life drawing class two days or so ago, and
when I did my last gesture drawing during that class, my teacher told me
something, gave me a piece of advice while she was critiquing my gesture,
that I just had to write down. See the model as a three-dimensional form she
said, not just as shapes. This kind of opened up a whole new way of artistic
thinking for me, which was cool.

Am beginning to feel the effects of tiredness pervade my impermanent

existence. When you think about it, the world and the cosmos endure
because they are not just out for themselves. The sage is a mere perennial

P a g e | 632

manifestation of all these things, and thus, accordingly, his wisdom lives on
with certain timelessness.

Just made a basic homepage for practice today. The letters are blue, the
background is black, theres an About Me column, links, and horizontal line
columns. Couldnt get an image I was trying to link to my site to work, but
for my first fully fleshed-out basic webpage, it was still pretty good. Not as
good as the fancy ones that Ive seen on the net, but still alright nonetheless.
Its a lot of work making a website, but I think its probably worth it.
Making websites isnt as hard as I used to think it was. The only things Im
having trouble learning how to do is putting GIFs, images, WAVs, and cool
backgrounds on the site. I dont have a clue how to do these things yet, but I
probably will sooner than I think. Im probably going to construct some of
the pages for my first website, which I originally conceptualized on my own
using HTML. I mean, why not? I might as well. I could probably make the
writing sections myself. I just finished making some new writing premises
(or outlines) a couple minutes ago, so I guess you could say that Im getting
back into the swing of it. Im going to work on drawing tomorrow also,
though. I already have some decent pieces of writing for my website. Now
all I need to do is think up some more decent pieces, write them using Word,
import them to FrontPage, then transfer them to HTML coding and design
the page which is a process Im still learning (web design). It should look
pretty nifty though. After that, Tony can link the writing pages to the site,
etc., etc. Im still learning the difference between a very good piece of web
design and a very bad piece of web design, importing images, backgrounds,
etc. Drawing comes first, though, not the website. The portfolio comes first.
Ive got ability for writing and drawing. Why not follow the way of the Tao
of drawing and balance doing them both each day. It shouldnt be that hard.
Drawing for an hour or more tomorrow should be easy, since I do it for two
hours straight in my life drawing class once each week.

Also have realized that there can be Zen in the art of a lot of things. Such as
drawing, web design, parenting, creative writing, business, philosophy,
living, work, and school, among other things. Thats all I can think of so far.

P a g e | 633

Currently Im reading the book The Millionaire Mind by an author whose

name I think is Thomas J. Stanley. It may not make you become rich, but it
does teach you about the art of business that many have mastered, thus
becoming multimillionaires, which involves getting along with people or
having social skills, looking at things differently and hard work. Its an
excellent business book, if I do say so myself. Other than that, I work on my
published webpage, toggling with the HTML some more, trying to fix my
links. The cool thing is that I signed up with the Fastcounter service and
HTML Gear, so I now have a hit counter and a guest book at the bottom left
corner of my page. The guest book doesnt work, though. The text is blue
and the background is black. It looks pretty damn cool for my first webpage
I actually made myself, and I dont mind saying so. It doesnt have any
graphics, though. Just text, a guestbook, and a hit counter, but those are
some of the main basic components of your typical website, so Im off to a
good start. Aside from these things, I did a weight (or) form drawing in my
sketchbook, to help get a sense of form, and after learning from that book, I
dont think Ill look at form in drawing the same way again. I dont like sites
or pages where the text is all aligned evenly. That makes for a boring layout.

I also completed some new writing pieces that turned out very well. I feel
like Im all tapped out of wisdom now. It actually took some effort to write
about those writing topics. This could turn out very cool. I can design the
HTML page documents for my writing section myself, which is something I
definitely want to do. Now that I know if I work hard enough that I can do it
myself, Im not afraid to design and construct my own website section. Im
kind of a control freak like that. As a matter of fact, maybe one day I can
even make a better web designer or webmaster than Tony. This web design
class and a life drawing class are really helping me! Im seeing a lot of
improvements left and right! Writing the Natural Way is helping me also.
My day job is hell, like usual, but Im getting accustomed to it now. Its just
sort of becoming something Im used to. Im getting used to mistreatment
and mental abuse. Might as well.

Not sure what else to write about. So now I do a lot of things in my spare
time. Draw, write for my journal and website, write HTML, design
webpages, meditate, read comics and books, go to life drawing class and
take the web design class on my PC.

P a g e | 634

Well, good news. I just fixed up the webpage Ive been working on. I got the
links fixed and the guestbook as well as Fastcounter hit counter are
working!!! Yes! I am the master. The only problem was that I accidentally
didnt type in part of the HTML code, and when I finally did, it worked. So
now the page is finished and I stop checking it a million times a day. Now I
can move on to making other pages with different designs, fonts,
backgrounds, MIDIs, GIFs images, etc. I want to see how many different
types of websites I can make. I also meditated not too long ago after I got off
of the computer. So now I know website terms. HTML stands for Hypertext
Markup Language and URL stands for Uniform Resource Locator.

I ought to get back to drawing a lot more than I write or am on the computer.
I miss the days when I did that, but I can still get back to it. It doesnt have
to be a long lost memory. Its just that Ive gotten so addicted to HTML
lately that its tough to stop, although not impossible. In that book The
Millionaire Mind, the author states that many of the most economically
successful people in this country did so by finding their niche or creative
niche, which I suppose is something I want to do. Maybe making Websites
will get my writing and artwork more exposure, especially if I make good,
entertaining websites. I want to one day run a good business, but thats a
long way down the road. Just one of the many things I really want to learn.
Having talent is nice. Being a thinker is nice. Being and staying happy is
better: Simple as that. I have to get around to polishing up my portfolio
pieces in a couple minutes. Thats going to be fun. All I need to do is some
touchups on the shading, and then theyre done. Shouldnt be too, too hard
to do. Well, I just added the URL of my site to a bunch of search engines.
Im not sure if this will increase hits, but Im hoping so.

Can think of two things to say. One, it seems that after many uncomfortable
sneezes, coughs and nose blows, the cold I have is lifting. When you have a
cold, various parts of your body tend to ache at random times, so having a
cold can actually be kind of painful. The other thing I want to say is that I
only have four months to get my portfolio done, but that should still be
plenty of time if I work hard.

P a g e | 635

When I was younger, a young lad if you will, I used to be really sensitive to
the issue of adoption, since Im adopted. One time I got picked on in
elementary school because I was adopted. A girl in my class called me
Adopted kid, like it was a really bad phrase. When I got home, I rested my
head against my mothers shoulders and cried. I cried until I became
stronger as an individual. Just recently I was in the kitchen, when a
decorative plaque in our kitchen that I never really took much notice to up
until that point caught my eye. I read it, and couldnt stop staring at it. It was
a poem written about the topic of adoption, by a writer whose name was not
printed on the plaque. It went like this
Adoption Creed:

mcuyylbfoloeun
sshle
nNouorttsbftloeilnslhemooirffam
B
rown;
gientute
y,, You
fUooruN
aare
grlfteogm
Y
desividnenmy
but
in itr. ow,
nder my heart

I just felt I should write that in my journal. Being able to adopt a child, a
newborn baby whos not of your blood, your flesh or mental heritage takes a
lot of strength, but most importantly it takes care, love, affection, and
compassion. My parents are beautiful human beings, perhaps even
occasional manifestations of the living Buddha, for acknowledging this.
Theyre not only human but theyre wonderful people also. My adoptive
parents will always be a part of me. I really have no desire to see what type
of people my birth parents were as individuals. Irresponsible ones probably.
I have too much love for the parents I have now, although there was the
initial sense of deep rejection I felt in my earlier childhood years. Like my
adoptive parents say, my genetic parents will never truly know how much
theyre missing out on. Maybe because of this experience I should be prolife, but in a way I have compassion for both side of the argument. I think
people make choices for reasons, and people need to respect other peoples

P a g e | 636

personal decisions, so long as theyre responsible ones. Converting to

Buddhism has kind of given me a newfound and more profound look at
things, and for me, its more enjoyable to live because of this.

I think there are certain aspects and traits that if I have, which could
certainly increase my chances of becoming successful. They are happiness,
peace of mind, calmness, tenacity, sincerity, innovation, charisma, creativity,
knowledge, humility, empathy, altruism, hard work, diligence, motivation,
and compassion. I almost cannot lose with these traits. Ive learned the
importance of some of these things from the business book The Millionaire
Mind and Success magazine, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom, and
The Art of Happiness by H.H. the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler.
Philosophy books and fiction novels will help me as well. So will coffee
table art books at this point. So in the last week or so, Ive learned a lot more
about Business as well as HTML and web design. I must also remember that
in art theres no such thing as perfection, its possible to filter out negative
emotions and feelings and transcend old ways of thinking, money is not God,
you are a human who experiences normal feelings and who has good
intentions, and theres ways to handle death and aging peacefully. I seem to
be less and less concerned over trivial things like looks, pleasure,
attachment, or status. I seek wisdom, happiness, altruism and peace. I hope
this doesnt affect my ability to write good fiction, although I dont think it
will. I would like to be just as able to write an angry character as I can write
a calm character. If I could do that, but still remain in a single mindset, I
think Id truly be somewhat serviceable. Not much compared to the sci-fi
genius of Isaac Asimov or George Orwell, but still a certain level of prolific
ability nonetheless. I havent seen too many stories, especially in movies,
that are prolific one second, and poignant the next. As a matter of fact, I
cant see enough of those, yet there only seem to be very few! I would hope
to be one of the writers who might create something thats almost that good
one-day. Writing just seems to be sort of a natural impulse to me now that I
just seem to do without thinking too much. If I work diligently, I can make
my impulse to draw the same way. Just as impulsive. Id better go to bed
now.

I think a lot of mega celebrities now used to be outcasts in their old schools.
Thats kind of how things work, but when you get to adulthood harsh reality
sets in, but its not as harsh for some. The stars of your middle school and

P a g e | 637

high school class arent doing so well now. Succeeding in the real world is
all a matter of being able to tolerate pain and harsh treatment. If Im
attacked, I typically dont retaliate. Im more likely to deflect it. Its no
wonder I hated middle school and early high school. During my teenage
years Ive been called nearly every derogatory name imaginable by other
people, and not once have I retaliated completely. Ive been called them all.
Such tasteful and civil names as Weirdo, fag (many times over), faggot,
queer, homo, fruit, spick, psycho, loser (many times over), boy, coon,
adopted kid, fucker, dork, geek, gay, stupid, ugly, skinhead, whale, dickhead
(man, I remember that one. One time in middle school, in my backpack
someone snuck a little note in my backpack with a face that had a penis for a
nose drawn on the piece of paper in blue pen. Man, that was cold. I wish I
could have found the person who made that note, so I could personally show
my gratitude by bashing their fucking face is). Man, its no wonder I love
Florida so much. Such classy people here, with such well mannered white
boy wannabe thugs, Marilyn Manson T-Shirt wearing Satanists, frat boys,
skinheads, senile elderly people, dimwitted Spanish pricks, rednecks,
snobby, shallow and superficial Goths, petty drug addled bimbos, car driving
rubberneckers and gawkers, preppy kids who abuse drugs, raver and ghettothug wannabes, racists, homophobes, and egotists (this is sarcasm folks.
These charmers are not really well mannered). I know Im sounding
prejudiced here, but Im not prejudiced. Im simply venting. Now not all
people who fit into these main categories are bad people. Im sure some of
them are good, but many of the ones Ive known are bad. Some of my
neighbors are good people like the ones who live next to my house. Theyre
decent, but some people down the straightaway just about a block down
from my house, well its bad news down there. A couple blocks down its a
whole different story. Now I know for a fact I have more creativity than the
majority of people who live around me. Ive always received harsh criticism,
even though Ive kind of grown immune to my amateur critics over the
years. Pretty soon Ill be dealing with real critics, and theyre actually much
more intelligent and linguistic, which can be even more ego shattering.
Maybe thats a good thing.

Two really prestigious, academic schools are Yale and Harvard. I could
never get into one of these schools. You have to have perfect grades. Those
schools are very competitive. Going to those schools doesnt always
guarantee youll become rich after you graduate though. Actually, many

P a g e | 638

who graduate from prestigious schools never do become rich if they dont
work hard.

Well, I have a classic movie to watch tonight for my web design class.

Im sure it would be easy for me to write about topics that have something to
do with my personal history. Things such as being gifted, social anxiety,
meditation, Buddhism, Attention Deficit Disorder, being adopted, and
creativity.
Im not sure what else to write about. I cant think of anything philosophical
to say. I dont think our Playstation works. That sucks. I guess we might be
better off just settling for getting a Playstation 2. I think Im actually starting
to prefer old videogame systems to the new like a Playstation and Super
Nintendo instead of an N64 or Sega Dreamcast. The only good reason to me
to get a Playstation 2 would be for the DVD player, the fact that it can play
original Playstation games, and Final Fantasy X and the other upcoming FF
games.

You know, the whole publication thing is kind of weird. The writer usually
tries to hide behind his work, but the fans tend to want to know more about
the man behind the ideas. Its kind of weird. Speaking of honing a creative
craft, I should do a lot more research on various subjects that I dont know
much about, as well as study anything written by John Steinbeck, Ray
Bradbury, and Ernest Hemingway. Those guys are amazing writers, and two
of them have one the Nobel Prize, so there must be some innovation
involved on their behalf. I wrote a poem about my father in class today that I
was apparently proud of at the time I wrote it, and still I still am proud of it
somewhat. The last line read:

With love and compassion always.

Which really captivated me. I like the closing statement a lot, because it
hinted at the eternal or universal. I captured some of the decent poignant

P a g e | 639

subtleties about my father right then and there on the spot, which is why it
made me so happy to read it. When Im happy to read what Ive written, I
know Ive done a decent job, because as the old adage goes: You are your
own worst critic. This was all part of my elective writing assignment. After
I finish watching all or part of that classic movie tonight, I might do some
more writing. I dont know. Maybe. I think the deeper I tend to think about
the problems and so-called injustices in my life, the more appreciative I
become of them for making me stronger as a human being. Thank God for
problems, enemies, and struggles, because without them my limits of
tolerance would not be tested and I thus would not grow in strength as a
human being. If something doesnt kill you, it can only serve to strengthen
your defenses and make you stronger, as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once
said. At this moment, the quality of my writing right now seems to make life
in general seem all the more beautiful and precious. Like one U.S. president
of the past said (John F. Kennedy), we have nothing to fear, but fear itself.
Through attaining all this knowledge, I still try my best to remain humble. I
recognize my own flaws for what they are, but I dont let their manifested
appearances eat me up on the inside either. I simply acknowledge them, but I
dont let them control meI do that, not my flaws. I also like to show
people my drawings, but only if theyre good drawings. Whenever my
parents have friends over and I get to show them my drawings, it makes me
feel really good, like I get to share my knowledge and part of my integral
artistic vision. I like sharing my knowledge with people who like to listen.
Some dont, but many may want to listen. You never know until you tell
people what your vision is. You never know.

I know spiritual transcendence is possible because Ive attained that

somewhat, but Im not sure about spiritual perfection. Buddhism teaches that
perfection is attainable, but Im not sure if it is, although I believe wholeheartedly in the majority of the Buddhistic teachings. Perfection can only be
attained by endless selflessness, egolessness, and altruism, and that is not an
easy state of mind to attain by any means. It takes a lot of practice and hard
work of contemplative study or practice. So therefore, that means Im
nowhere near perfect, and will probably never be.

Was just watching a classic, black-and-white, silent film about the Civil War
made in the early 1900s, and I must say I enjoyed it greatly, even though it
makes the films of today look superior visually, you have to concentrate on

P a g e | 640

the story. The story was wonderful. There were moments where I laughed
out of joy, and cried out of feeling one of the characters suffering. I cried
for the fictional character. I didnt think a movie could make me do that. The
movie is called The Birth of a Nation, and its a brilliant piece of classic
film. I rarely see a film or television show now that can tug at my heart
stings and was poignant like that film is. So I didnt really do much today. I
read some of The Millionaire Mind, drove some, went to the comic book
store to get some comic books, the art store to buy more sketchpads, the
supermarket to pick up my paycheck, and watched a silent film. I barely
watched any television. Its weird. In this world, its like the presumptive
public assumption is that people need to stay current. Im learning more
about history and some topics like art, writing, spirituality, and philosophy,
but I rarely watch the news or MTV. I already feel kind of old. I have seen
some good music videos primarily on MTV 2, though. Three of my favorites
are Crystal Methods Name of the Game video with the Nosey
character, the Gorillaz animated Clint Eastwood video directed by
Gorillaz illustrator Jamie Hewlett himself, and first and foremost, the Fatboy
Slim Weapon of Choice video because the choreography of the video is
simply brilliant and so well done. It is directed by Spike Jonez and stars that
guy who acted in Pulp Fiction and many other movies, Christopher Walken.
Hes dancing around a building, in-step with the music (and even flying
around at one point). You walk without rhythm, and it wont attract the
one. These videos prove that the music video can be an art form.

To be honest, I think Im still getting over the fact that the Smashing
Pumpkins broke up. Im still sad about that. Oh well. At least REM, Weezer
and They Might Be Giants are still going strong.

Sleep beckons.

P a g e | 641

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 41

P a g e | 642

September 2001

This desk Im writing at right now is very cluttered. It has a lot of junk on it.
CDs scattered all about, floppy discs, two DVDs (Akira tin edition, and
Ghost in the Shell), random papers, and notes for my web design class. This
is kind of my work area. Id call it a work area, because I work hard in this
journal. Ill often write with headphones on while listening to one of my
CDs and occasionally read Websters Dictionary near this computer for
reference. Actually, part of me wants to say that writing in this journal and
writing other pieces that I do is work, but at the same time I kind of feel like
I should say its procrastination from my drawing. Im having trouble
deciding what to call it. Its a tough decision to make.

Its finally stopped raining around my neighborhood. Thats good. I have a

life drawing class tonight and a couple things Im going to try to do. They
include reading some books, drawing before life-drawing class, and
finishing up my web design assignment, which is late as I write this. This is
weird. I think chances are that in about a year, I will be living in Florida no
more. I might be in California going to school, or in New York studying art,
or in Fort Lauderdale also going to art school.

Whoa nelly! I just got the new shipment of drawing paper with the punched
holes in it, in the mail. Im now not going to run out of drawing paper for a
long, long time. This is a good time to have a lot of paper, because Im better
at drawing now than ever before. This is good.

I ought to write some essays. I should write essays on such topics as

spirituality, art, writing, meditation, business, success, and learning or
education. Things I know about or at least know a little bit about. I could do
these things just for practice. Or I should write a novel synopsis and a single
chapter of that novel for practice. That would be fun! If I became an author
or an established name, I guess that Id then be affecting peoples lives. That

P a g e | 643

has to be a nice feeling. I know what its been like to change a few peoples
lives, and in the future the number of people I may affect shall perhaps
increase tenfold or hundredfold, or even thousandfold. I cant even fathom
what that would feel like, just like you cant fathom what it feels like to earn
a million dollars until you actually receive $1 million.

I drew a small sketch in class today that looked kind of like a Jamie Hewlett
drawing. That was cool.

Some guy is redoing the bathroom of my familys house. I think the paint
fumes are making me high while I write this. Im not sure.

Well, Im going to my life-drawing class tonight at 7, which is about an hour

away from now. I just got done reading some more of The Millionaire Mind,
and I like it a lot. Very useful book. Im much smarter businesswise now.

If you want to achieve something, just do it then. Thats the way you make a
comic book, film, script, work of art, philosophical essay, poem, novel,
whatever. You just do it! At first theres really no magic to it. That certain
magic has to have time to build and bloom. It starts out as just a bunch of
hard work and nothing more, but it soon evolves into a magical art of
storytelling and idea sharing. The Sistine Chapel was not built in a day, just
as real success does not come overnight. It takes a lot of patience, diligence,
tenacity, and a lot of hard work. Eventually after all that, you can become a
master though. I havent said anything truly deep in the last week or so, but
thats probably either because I havent chosen to make an effort to, or I
used up all my knowledge in my topic writing pieces. Im not quite sure. I
know I can say something and manifest my perception if I feel like it. Its
kind of cool how I have that particular tool at my disposal. I do enjoy talking
about suffering, consciousness, form, being, the cosmos, happiness,
compassion, altruism, kindness, will, love, and success, among other things,
but Im just trying to explore new dimension or plateaus, like usual. My
creative spirit has only died when its content is made overly redundant. Yes
its important to emphasize certain points, but profound emphasis and
creative stagnation are two different things. If you want to be innovative,

P a g e | 644

you cant bring to the table whats already at the table; otherwise you dull
peoples taste buds. Capice? Thats one way to become rich and respected is
by being innovative and consistent, because many people can claim to offer
it, but few actually deliver. To get the job you want, you have to network
through people, places, and things, which are all known as resources. Ive
been networking seriously since I was about 14 or 15 years old. Maybe
younger. A lot of my time that could have been spent drawing was instead
spent networking and doing research in my fields on interest through the
Internet and various other sources like my x-teacher, Phil Ferretti who was
always very knowledgeable during the entire time he instructed me. He
taught classical animation, but the vast majority of things he taught me about
were not as black-and-white as that. He didnt just teach me animation. He
taught me how to evaluate my own work realistically, work harder than I
did, and of course the aesthetics. That in my opinion is an excellent and
perhaps a revolutionary teaching method. I could always count on him to
give me honest critiques of my most current work, all while being a good
friend and inspiring me to do better and try harder, all at the same time. He
was amazing. I owe a countless amount of gratitude to him. He prepared me
for the challenge of my portfolio and life-drawing class. I thank him and
some of my other mentors, like Mr. Alman from South Seminole Middle
School, my parents, and the teachers from Center Academy. I owe a lot to
these people. We all need some sort of role models. Those people are mine.

I just did a couple gesture drawings at home in preparation for my life

drawing class, and now Im getting ready to go. I have this karmic type of
vibe that say this session will go well, probably because Im more
accustomed to this type of setting now and I know what the routines going
to be like. My real obstacle in attaining artistic excellence is not the drawing
class or the drawing act itself, but the act of intimidation or lack of
knowledge, and the frustration itself that is the real enemy.

Just got back from my life-drawing class and it went somewhat well. I think
I ran out of time, before I really got into rendering my drawing a lot.

I think I might do some reading before I go to work. Thats probably all Ill
have time to do. Ive come to some decisions, though.

P a g e | 645

Have decided that for the rest of my life, Im going to be frugal with my
money and spend it wisely. Ill invest in a bank account, CDs, mutual funds,
stocks, and learn about finance and the economy, as well as the stock market
so that I can make wise buying decisions. If there are two things I want to
learn in the future, they are writing HTML, and playing the stock market. I
should add up the difference between going to the comic book store every
Wednesday to buy new comic books, and investing money in the bank for
my college tuition. Buying comics takes up my time and money, and thats
time that could be spent honing my crafts and developing my portfolio for
art school. I have to think this out. It takes money, about $8 each week, and
it takes time not only to go to the comic book store, but also to pick out
comic books to buy, and then theres the time spent reading them. It takes
about 15 minutes to read a single comic book issue. Add it up, and at the end
of a single year of my life, thats a lot of time and money that goes towards
reading and buying comic books: money that could otherwise be spent
attributing to helping me getting into the most prestigious top animation
college in this country, which would increase my chances of employment.

Just got back from work. Maybe at one time in my career, Ill be a part-time
columnist, either for a newspaper or an online editorial zine, kind of like
Chynna-Clugston Major is doing. I didnt draw today, but I didnt have all
that much extra time. I read some stuff out of books, went to my job, wrote
in this journal a little, and that was about it. I should start reading more
business magazines, as well as learn how to invest in mutual funds, CDs,
and stocks. If I want to be a business entrepreneur: Step 1) I first must have a
product to provide to the public. Step 2) I then must make the public aware
of my product, thus sinking the product into the publics subconscious. This
is achieved through promoting the product. Step 3) I then must accumulate
and measure sales, tallying up profits and paying employees, then see if my
company earned or lost money. Thats not too complex, but if you dont
have a product to provide or represent, you cant really run a business,
because that would kind of be like a pilot trying to fly without a plane.
Royalties and commissions are always good. Money is not God, though.
While remembering all this, it is also crucial to remember that money is
never the main drive behind the work Im passionate about, since money
cannot make anyone feel love or affection. It will only provide leeway for
temporal indulgences. Affection is more important that economic success,

P a g e | 646

but economic success can be nice and make you feel good in some ways.
Just not in the universal or transpersonal ways. Aside from my art teachers
from past and present, Rima Jabbur and Phil Ferretti, Im sure there will be
other important guiding figures in my life. Im not sure if Ill ever meet a
real Tibetan lama, but I hope I do. I definitely want to visit one of those
Dharma centers one day to get in touch with my spiritual side. Other types of
people that I might come into contact with would be editors, producers,
agents, attorneys, and a financial advisor. Im not sure what other types of
people Ill meet. Through the Internet and the world of publishing, Ill
probably meet people from all different walks of life, and many of them will
probably be brilliant, inspiring, and amazing, all serving as my motivators. If
I become famous or rich, Im sure thatll change my life: Hopefully for the
better. Im not sure how many phone calls and emails Ill get in the future,
but I hope it wont be too many to keep me from my creative work.

Would like to read the collected works of Ken Wilber. Actually, there are
certain authors who write profoundly, whose work I want to see a lot of.
Authors and thinkers such as Ken Wilber, Nietzsche, his holiness the Dalai
Lama, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Albert Einstein, John Steinbeck, Isaac
Asimov, George Orwell, Lao Tzu, Gao Xingjian, Richard P. Feynman,
Mohandas Gandhi, and Lama Surya Das who wrote the national bestseller
Awakening the Buddha Within. With these authors, the boundaries of
knowledge seem like they can be transcended quite easily. I want to read
books on Buddhism, philosophy, meditation, art, writing, film, the economy
or business, and some things that hint at the scientific, metaphysical,
analytical, contemporary, and historical. Am nearly always willing to
increase my knowledge. I read constantly, and most likely will continue to
do so in the future. Been reading everyday lately. Am already nearly
halfway through The Millionaire Mind and have only been reading it for a
little over a week, if that. Its a big book too. About 400 pages or so. Wish I
could read all books this fast. I finished The Art of Happiness in a short
amount of time also. The actual writing and diction used in The Millionaire
Mind is just so-so. The author seems to love referring to analytical charts
and the word correlation. Not as well written as One Taste or Tuesdays
with Morrie. In The Millionaire Mind, the syntax is not as unpredictable or
captivating, and is actually kind of boring at times. But the basic economic
concepts that drive the book are very strong. Ill give the author that.

P a g e | 647

Going to do some reading this morning. Will read some things out of my
books, and might draw today, or at least I hope so. Reading things out of the
Encyclopedia and the Dictionary can definitely help improve ones
knowledge. News magazines are valuable resources as well. Two things I
could never make a career out of would be a physicist or marine biologist.
Not sure if Id mind being a politician. Am not sure if Id mind having a
spouse either. Sharing a home with someone, though? Not so sure if Id want
to do that. I kind of like the idea of living in a home by myself. It would
probably be more peaceful that way. In the next thirty year, Im sure there
will be tons of new television shows, CDs, books, movies, and comic books,
and the majority of them will most likely not be very good. Maybe all the
actual good movies have already been released and there wont be any more
decent ones in the future, because there havent been any decent ones lately.
But there have been a lot of serviceable ones. There have been some good
new comic books and books, but thats about it.

Like it says in The Millionaire Mind, part of becoming an economic success

involves the ability to get along with and inspire people, to lead, and to be a
role model.

I think Ill go meditate pretty soonWell, finished meditating a while ago.

One thing Im wondering is what is the point of knowledge, life and ethics?
Does life somehow advance the integral totality of the world? Does it have a
purpose or play a part in the earths natural progression, or is it simply a
mistake unto itself, progressing just as naturally as it manifests its existence
and projects its being onto itself? Life is genius though, no matter whether
its a mistake or not. Organisms and life forms need intelligence and
instinctual drive to advance to the point of reproduction. Perhaps instincts do
require some amount of instinctual intelligence. Maybe retarded brain or
bodily functions can hinder what would otherwise be natural and instinctual
progression. It makes me wonder if a retarded man who has the mind of a
child is able to feel lust. It takes some instinctual intelligence to perceive
things and concepts properly, and thus life requires genius, because without
superior instinctual sentient intelligence, the life form ceases to progress or
even live. This concept demonstrates what separates a rock from, say a
human or a cat. This may be esoteric rationality, but its still quite natural to
me. These thoughts have no selfish and egocentric intentions. Im simply
trying to come up with analytical theories in order to provide something that

P a g e | 648

will hopefully benefit or enrich other peoples lives one day as well as my
own, because my life is already enriched by these thoughts, so I assume they
might enrich the lives of others. Its not hard for me to have access to them. I
think the purpose of life and the meaning of life are two different things. The
meaning of life is the perceived psychological reason associated with
existence. The purpose of life is the transpersonal goal that transcends
simple human perception. Purpose demonstrates how the existence of life
benefits the universe and all things therein in general. It transcends rational
human reasoning because it is more universally beneficial than rational
human reasoning. It transcends it in other words. Im sounding very
ontological and phenomenological here. Im not so sure about existentialism
and epistemology here. I dont think those have anything to do with the
things Im talking about here.

I think Ive done enough philosophizing for one day. Im going to go back to
reading. I might draw today, and it would be a good idea to do some work
for my web design class today. Ive already done enough writing.

You know, when Im stuck at work and want to go home, sometimes get
frustrated, because I know Im probably meant for something better, and
indeed I may be. My mind at times seems too active to be confined to a
place that has such a simplistic goal as the supermarket. But I suppose even
the people at the top of the entertainment industry had to start at the bottom
of the food chain, thus starting outside of the industry as working stiffs and
whatnot. So I suppose I dont have to fret. Im not fooled. I in a way realize
that this is just a natural stage of the progression and I must be patient, for if
Im patient good things may very well come. Im sure even Moby, Ken
Wilber, and Billy Corgan had to have some types of sucky day jobs before
they became established. Success Magazine once said: Never act like a loser,
even when you feel like one.

The good thing about this journal I think is that if you read it, it gives you a
pretty good sense of my creative mind and what its capable of. I have some
goals, but one of my main one is to tell stories and make creations that
matter and have worth.

P a g e | 649

When I consider trying to write a book, I have to remember that when it

comes to getting rich from writing, the odds are stacked against me. Its hard
enough to find an agent, but if you can get that far, consider this:
Many authors books only sell about 10,000 or 17,000 copies, which means
the authors only get $10,000 or $17,000, and thats not counting the money
they have to pay to their agent. About 150,000 books are published each
year, and there can only be 20 books out of 150,000 that are able to get on
the New York Times Bestseller List each week, which makes for some pretty
discouraging statistics about success. The encouraging news is that the
majority of the books published each year are uninteresting, poorly written
books that are too easily categorized and that are written about clichd topics
that have been written about hundreds of times before. I mean look how
many books were written in the past two or so years about murder mysteries,
the Beatles, business, predictable romance stories, vampires, the FBI, and
the Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal. Too many! When you think about it,
exactly how many books in bookstores did you see like Big Trouble, Fight
Club, High Fidelity, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, On
Writing, The Art of Happiness, American Gods, Soul Mountain, Bee Season,
Sick Puppy, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay (the Pulitzer
Prize winner), and Awakening the Buddha Within before these books came
out? Not many, if any. Thats because these books are well done and
original.

Theres a type of philosophy known as logical positivism, or empiricism,

which was a branch of philosophy in the 1920s that attempted to introduce
the methodology and precision of mathematical concepts into philosophical
reasoning. I read this on the History Channel.com website. Constituents are
necessary for integral theories, and some believe the study of mathematics to
be a constituent for forming integral philosophy. Some used to believe that
to be a fallacy, but others had faith in it. Im not sure. I think its possible to
have mathematics as a constituent for integral philosophical reasoning, if it
deals with form, time, space, physics and whatnot, but I dont think its
necessary for all cases. The paradigm that confirms this is that its possible
for some people to grasp complex philosophical concepts without prior
knowledge of complex mathematical equations. Some people might not
know much about math, but they may still be able to have an integral
approach to philosophical reasoning. I may be one of these people. I dont
know algebra or anything above algebra very well, but Id like to think Im

P a g e | 650

able to be somewhat philosophical at times, kind of like now. I never want

my ideas to get tautological. I always strive for innovation and variety, not
stagnation, redundancy, and repetition. Hell is repetition, not some
otherworldly fire-and-brimstone fire consumed fantasyland ruled by some
red guy with horns. Its almost like thats something youd read of a
childrens storybooks. How can you fear going to a place when you create
various refutations that go towards the dissolving of credibility of its
existence. I believe in God more than I believe in a Heaven or a Hell.

I got back from work early. I was in the mood to get home and relax (or do
some more inquisitive or deep thinking. Im not sure which), so I asked my
manager, Jodie, if I could go home early. He agreed and said Sure, so I
went home around 8:00 p.m., and here I am now at around 9:00 p.m... I got a
headache earlier, so I took some Advil, and this time it wasnt for
recreational purposes, and thank goodness for that. I shouldnt do any drugs,
but I guess apparently Im an occasional pill popper. Im also somewhat of a
contemporary American Buddhist philosopher and writer, though. Does that
make me a bad person? Im not sure, though I dont think so. Im listening to
some Elvis Costello right now. His music is just so pure. It doesnt seem
polluted by noise like a lot of rock music nowadays. Stress and headaches
suck. They often correlate with one another, going hand in hand, kind of like
meditation and spiritual awakening.

The president, president George W. Bush, seems to be in the newspaper

tabloids a lot. One of the funnies headlines about him Ive seen lately is one
that reads PRESIDENT BUSH CLONED. While working at Winn-Dixie,
Ive overheard various reactions to that particular cover, specifically from
guys who seem quick to pass judgment. I called the article ridiculous. One
guy called it retarded, and another guy said it was bullshit. I cant argue
with them. Its both of those things, except I think their words could have
been a little more polite and civil. I sometimes wonder if anyone is stupid or
gullible enough to fully believe those articles. Why would anyone in their
right mind believe a tabloid story about cloning our countries president and
other such nonsense? Media manipulation has reached a pretty disturbing
zenith. The media has enough power to tell the whole country what it should
be thinking about, wearing, talking about, listening to, watching, and
reading. Some people simply let this trivial garbage get force-fed down their
throats and dont seem to mind at allsometimes without even realizing it!

P a g e | 651

The members of the commercial entertainment media, the promotion and

business people, know exactly what theyre doing. Shame on them. Its kind
of sad really. At least the counterculture is somewhat smart enough to see
this and reject it, even if it is somewhat irreverent when doing so in pointing
this fact out. Im too polite to really be a member of the underground and
counterculture. One thing Ive noticed is that a lot of people dont seem to be
rational enough to attempt to come up with solutions, but they sure do love
pointing out the problems, often doing so in an obnoxious manner. Whats
the point in making a big deal about the problem if you cant hypothesize a
solution? And if theres no solution, theres no point in getting upset over
something that you have no control over. Its better to learn to live with it or
forget about it, if you can.

There are certain things Ive become very interested in lately: certain areas
of ethics, logic, depth, and reasoning. Lately, Ive become interested in
ontology, the spirit of Zen, Tao, or the way, the true source of form or being,
meditation, and consciousness.

You dont need logical positivism or empiricism to interpret how you

individual existence relates to the cosmos. Its more than a matter of merely
being emotive, just as mere connection with God is more than a mere matter
of Traducianism, especially when an interpretive correlation between the
individual self and the cosmos is derived in a transpersonal manner. People
have come out of the mythical dark ages and have began analyzing for proof
of existence in the preconceived Christian God, and have not found much
evidence to support this mythical creature, which, based on practical
contemporary thought, appears to be a fallacy and seems to have thus been
replaced by a new age god, which from all accounts seems to transcend
mythical dogmatic constraints. Perhaps this is a new and improved God for
the new millennium, although this theory seems to be overly new-agey and
self-serving in nature (Ill only believe in a God that is compatible and
convenient for my lifestyle). As I was saying, people both psychologically
and physically have come out of the dark ages. People seem to be more
immune to diseases and physical ailment, which is a process thats slowly
evolved over time, but they still have not completely found ways to block
the permeation of suffering, which is does nothing more than serve as a
verification for ones personal mortality. The Buddhist path, to me, or the
Bodhisattva vow seems to be the most effective way to transcend suffering,

P a g e | 652

because its worked for me so far. That doesnt mean it will work for
everyone though. Intellectuals have a much more pragmatic and less emotive
approach to analyzing the body and its physicality therein, which is what
distinguishes them from the ancient philosophers. They do it scientifically,
using mathematical and scientific equations based on the best of western
contemporary analytical knowledge. This is very scientific, because it
adheres to realistic and rational scientific reasoning. So where does all this
leave the spirit and the soul? Im still working on that one. Im pretty sure
that they have to fit in somewhere. I think spirituality involves lot more than
just neo-mythological impulses. Spirit is more of a thing of compassion,
caring, tolerance, universal love, and empathy. Its the positive and
constructive feelings that the human mind can conjure up. Spirituality does
not just benefit the individual. True spiritual intelligence can benefit the
many if the individuals spirituality is not of an egocentric and self-serving
nature. The mysteries of the universe often seem like paradoxes.

Well, Ive done enough ranting for today. I guess I am functioning on a

complex creative level though. I suppose I should talk about my life. My
workdays at Winn-Dixie sometimes seem like eons. Its kind of sad really.
Its fun sometimes. I dont think Ill go for a college degree in a traditional
analytical field. Ive never taken a physics, theology, business, or philosophy
course in my life. I pick a lot of my knowledge up from things I read at
home, in books and articles. Im always looking to expand my knowledge
boundaries. Im always willing to learn new things and new words. I dont
know how I got so goddam academic all of the sudden. My journals are
actually sounding educational! So when it comes to my regular writing to
show people, this may be good for some, and bad for others. Some people
dont want to learn things when they watch a movie or TV show. They
simply want to be entertained. Others, on the other hand, want to be
enlightened and have their lives enriched by what they read or watch in a
movie or on television. I guess Im one of those people. The truth is that Im
nowhere close to being a spiritual teacher, or traditional analytical visionary.
Im just a normal person like anyone else and I have a lot of love, sincerity,
and compassion to go round. I still dont know how I got so academic all of
the sudden. Maybe Id make a good public speaker one of these days. I dont
consider myself a scholar or leader. Im basically just an entertainer and not
much more. Im human is what I am. Were all nothing more than human,
which is a good thing because it manifests the goodness and humanity that is
inherent in all human beings. As long as views and perceptions remain

P a g e | 653

different, conflicts between individuals and nations will invariable arise. I

think Ill go read some more of The Millionaire Mind now. Yeah. That
would be good. I read a lot of it in class today, and Im now more than
halfway finished with it. I like the book a lot so far. Understanding the
concepts and ideology isnt really hard. Its actually pretty easy picking up
some of the business tricks that are taught in that book. Its not as confusing
or overwhelming as a book like Being and Nothingness or The Complete
Writings of Nietzsche. I might have some intelligence, but from what Ive
read in those books, Im very confused by certain parts of them. Its tough to
believe Ive only been writing for an hour and Ive already filled up two
pages of journal writing. This is good. Very good. Im going to go read
now, but here a question and answer section:
Question: Whats the best way to counteract the feeling one has when
creating a bad drawing?
Answer: Create a new, much better drawing to replace it.

Well, I was looking at the Cal Arts website, and on the site was written some
information about scholarships to the school. They only give scholarships
for one year at a time, and they only give them to you if you demonstrate
need, talent, and other things. I think I have those things. I have financial
need (Im not rich, but actually very poor.), and I guess I have somewhat of
a talent for drawing. A scholarship to the California Institute of the Arts
would definitely create fewer headaches for me. That school is very damn
prestigious, hard to get into and challenging, so if I could simply get
accepted into the school, even without a scholarship, Id consider that an
honor. The Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale and the School of Visual Arts in
New York City seem like very good places to go to major in animation. I
would like to do illustration, but Im planning on my main major being
animation and animating.

At 8 oclock Im going to stop writing in this journal then go into my room,

meditate, and draw for another hour or two. Im not sure what Im going to

P a g e | 654

draw, but thats part of the fun of it anyways. Ive also realized that when
Im living on my own, my parents arent going to be able to drive me
everywhere. Not to work, not to the store. Not anywhere. Im going to have
to learn to drive myself everywhere, which shouldnt be too hard if I can get
driving to come naturally to me, and that will happen if I practice driving a
lot, just like Ill be able to hold down an art job if I draw a lot. Im thinking
around 10 hours a day, which is not really too, too hard if you keep at it and
dont slack off. Im going to become a workingman eventually.

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes

to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of
me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world
agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that
they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be ...
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that
shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be...
-The Beatles

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September 11th 2001

Today is a sad day. Its a day of tragedy and the starting point of future
remembrance. If the people of this country need compassion and support
(including mine, which will be without question), they definitely have it.
And so the tragic story begins

This morning the World Trade Center near the center of New York City,
was hit by terrorist attacks, and is now nothing more than a firing and
smoking pile of debris, but I didnt truly realize how serious this situation
was until I got home from school and saw the morbid, World War IIIesque,
apocalyptic, and horrible images being broadcast on nearly every channel on
my satellite TV. The number of victims and dead people is estimated to be
reaching the tens of thousands. Intelligent officials believe the terrorist
attacks are believed to be related to the terrorist group led by the middleeastern terrorist, Osama bin Laden. The images on television looked big and
monstrous. When I first heard of the event at school when Mrs. Toner
announced what had happened to the entire class, I didnt even know what
the World Trade Center looked like, (even though now the two buildings are
completely demolished), and didnt think it was that big of a deal at first. I
didnt know if was those two towering buildings that you always seed in
wide-angle shots of New York City. As a matter of fact, I assumed it was
just another over-hyped news story, but now I realize it is a monumental
historical event and a world crisis. Leading members from nations all over
the world are offering their condolences to the United States. The terrorist
hijacked four commercial airlines and crashed them into the New York City
World Trade Center buildings and the Pentagon. President Bush was in

P a g e | 656

Sarasota, Florida when this happened (how ironic). When I looked at the
news on TV, it looked like a monstrous nuclear bomb was set off in the heart
of New York City. It was undeniably frightening.

You could see people falling to the ground from near the top of the building,
the cameramen were running to avoid being consumed by smoke and debris,
as were all the people on the streets that went as far away as a couple blocks
from the World Trade Center, people were bleeding and mangled,
screaming, crying, hiding behind cars, on the ground, many of them covered
with dirt and dusty material. Innocent people from all walks of life have died
because of this. Seeing the whole thing and getting a sense of it made me
absolutely sick to my stomach. This was an unprovoked attack, and these
terrorist attacks consisted of considerable amorality and evil. I feel
compassion for even them the terrorists, because theyre dependant on
weapons manufacturers and whatnot, and are misguided. New York City
mayor, Rudy Giuliani and the British Prime Minister delivered eloquent
speeches trying to comfort the American people. This is a time when our
allies are going to have to show their true support and when we get to see if
George W. Bush can really hold his own. And if he really was a good choice
for this country. I agree that whoever is responsible needs to be punished
and feel the consequences of their actions, of their unprovoked attack. Not
because I hope that they sufferbecause we all have the right to avoid
suffering and attain happinessbut because the United States, the strongest
and most powerful nation in the worldbut apparently also a vulnerable
oneneeds to send a message that these kind of actions and irresponsible
foreign terrorist acts of war are not acceptable. No amount of malice, evil
actions, wrong actions, and hatred of this level this acceptable. They, the
foreign people, dont deserve this type of sabotage, and neither do we. So as
Jacob at school asked me, Whats Albert Einsteins opinion on this? and
apparently he was making reference to me, and I guess since Im a thinker of
some distinctive caliber according to people I know, I should at least try to
come up with an answer. At the time I tried to give a philosophical response,
so I replied by saying Conflicts are an invariable part of human existence.
But I think the problem goes much more deeper and gets much more
complex than that. It raises a lot of questions, including moral ones, about
now and the future of the world. Were the terrorists Afghans who committed
this act connected to Osama bin Laden? Was Osama bin Laden directly
responsible and did he motivate the attacks? If so, just how big of enemies
are the United States and Afghanistan now and then? Keep in mind that I

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walked into my workplace today, and asked someone if he saw the news
today, and my boss said, Dont make me kill you. Ill kill you right now. I
come from New York. I was confused and said huh? and he said I looked
like ah middle-eastern person, and I understood, but was shocked that
hed respond in such a malicious way. This really helped make me get a
feeling of how big the underlying societal international tension is right now.
Is terrorism the new world evil, even more menacing than war? What was
the reason for such an attack? Will this change the way people in this
country live? Is our security good enough? How big of a historic event will
this be from now on? Many say it reminds them of Pearl Harbor, or that it
looked like something out of a movie. Combine that with the fact that this
is the worst and most heinous or merciless act of terrorism in US history,
both contemporary and ancient. Worse than the Columbine massacre
masterminded by Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, worse than the Helter
Skelter Sharon Tate murders masterminded by Charles Manson and his cult
members, worse than the Oklahoma City bombing masterminded by
Timothy McVeigh. Worse than practically everything. Will the United
States and whoevers responsible go to war, and even if we dont, how bad
will the US retaliate? Whats the Buddhist perspective on this? How does
this coincide with the path to enlightenment or Nirvana?
So heres my take on the whole thing.

***
I realize that these acts of violence are horrible and amoral, but despite the
national security paranoia going on across the country currently, Im not
going to let this fear that seems to be in at least a little bit of everyone stop
me from living my life, or going to New York City (and possibly living
there), or even visiting the School of Visual Arts, or flying in a plane ever
again. We must not let lack of hope or fear consume us, otherwise why
would we want to continue living? I have no need to fear or worry about
what I cannot change or take control over. I simply acknowledge it, nothing
more, nothing less. I dont fear fighting or battle. If this country goes to war,
we can rest assured and comforted that our many American allies, the
foreign allies of the United States, as well as God perhaps, will be there for
us, standing side by side, toe to toe with us, supporting us and backing us
up. We will have ourselves as well. We have the power to go on with our

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lives and recover from this tremendous tragedy, as long as we dont let it
penetrate our spirit. I saw images on the news that showed middle-eastern
citizens in the streets doing mad celebrations in the streets for this victory,
if thats what you want to call it, even though no one has won this battle.
There are no winners in war. In the event of war, collectively, all we end up
doing is mourning the deaths of the ones who have died and condemning the
acts of those who killed them. There are no winners in the act of war. Only
people who live, die, and survive. Since we live in a contemporary society,
one would think the world would have transcended such brutish acts a long
time ago, but such was not the case today. It is truly one of the saddest days
in American history. It symbolized more than merely the collapse of a few
buildings and the deaths of many. It symbolizes the attempt to oppress
freedom, and today is more than the day of a tragedy. It is the day of
reminder of an example that proves that the act of oppressing freedom is
truly an evil act, and that it has taken many lives simply to do nothing more
than manifest or demonstrate that the act of oppressing free societies has
taken more lives than one could ever count in a single lifetime. Today has
made me a little sadder, but has also made me a little stronger in spirit, and a
little wiser about very important things, like coming closer to attaining world
peace. Im not sure if well attain this goal, but we can at least strive to get a
little closer to it.
I guess apparently the nation of America has been brought down to its
knees, for now.
***
All airline flights were canceled, and the economy has taken an enormous
blow. One, which is so big, Wall Street has been closed for today. Ive been
hearing things on the news about how the terrorist group wanted this to be a
symbolic victory, and indeed for them it was. The Pentagon and the World
Trade Center were viewed as the symbols of this nations power, and they
have fallen almost completely. They were hit and 3 4ths of them have fallen.
They will recover, though. We live in a resilient nation. Probably one of the
most resilient in the world. Well land on our feet, even in these current dark
times. Those images of the two airliners crashing into the two second tallest
buildings in the world will live on and be remembered in peoples minds
forever. Im sure theyll become historic images. I think Ill go read now.

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September 12th, 2001

After the events of yesterday, I feel bad for not donating blood, time or
money. This is a good opportunity to point out my strong and weak points
about that in this situation. If I were rich, Id seriously consider donating $1
million or more to the Red Cross fund. No joking here. But I dont have
much money. Everyone seems to be donating blood. I didnt draw a picture
in condolence to the event, but I did craft what in my personal opinion was a
sufficient piece of writing on the topic, plus I wrote a short piece on the
subject of tragedy (as well as one on how animals relate to nature and man)
in my spare time. Both pieces turned out fairly decent. I ought to do a TongLen meditative exercise for all the surviving victims of the tragedy, and their
families and friends. That might help some. Who knows?

I was just watching the classic Sci-Fi film, The Day the Earth Stood Still for
part of my research assignment in my web design class. I like the movie
quite a bit. Its good for a black-and-white movie. A very intelligent plot.

Now about some other topics: I think its good for schools, both public and
private to integrate contemporary technology, particularly computers, into
their academic curriculum. Computers have advanced society and humanity
so much, and have a made a big difference in the workplace alone. I believe
they could do the same thing for middle, high, and possibly elementary
schools. They would help colleges a lot too, of course. The only question is
what would be the most effective way to integrate advanced computer
technology and traditional academic aesthetics. Also, what would be the best
way to manage the cost of these advances, and how would the schools pay
for it. Public schools below college level dont have enough money as it is.
Perhaps grants and donations would help. Im sure there are other effective
methods also that have not been applied. The way I see it, there are a lot of
important topics that simply have not been addressed by the great thinkers of
the past, because these dilemmas were not a problematic part of those
thinkers time periods, so I guess its somewhat up to people like me to at
least try to address these issues, because someone needs to. If its not going
to be anyone else that I know of, I figured it might as well be me. I think
when Im not working my ass off on my portfolio; I should definitely be

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checking the news for inspiration on topics to write about. Once the World
Trade Center story clears up, Im sure that there will be other topics that can
provide inspiration for me. I enjoying today, writing about such topics as
tragedy, ontology, animal species correlation to humans, and integrating
schools with computer technology. These are some of the topics that have
come to my mind, and Im sure there will be many more that Im going to
write about. Some of these topics will make good springboards for more
than one novel synopsis. Im getting tired and am going to go to bed soon,
but I might read some more out of a book tonight.

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MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 42

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September 2001

Have a good feeling about today. Im going to try to get fully caught up on
my schoolwork in class today, or at least I hope so.

Now I know a little bit more about how the great masters of western art and
literature produced so much. They didnt have television or anywhere near
as many distractions, like movies, CDs, videogames, and the Internet. I
mean how else would Bram Stoker of written Dracula? Or Leonardo da
Vinci painting the Mona Lisa; Vincent Van Gogh doing his very famous
self-portraits; or Mozart his famous symphonies of feeling which (are pure
masterpieces)? And just as masters of classic creative expression didnt have
as many distraction, spiritual world leaders dont really engage in temporal
excess like eating junk food or meat, or watching action or horror movies
and sitcoms. Those things are really just a waste of time for the most part.

Got back from the drudgery of a typical high school day, but I got home,
switched on the luminous television, and before I knew it I was captivated
by a program on the PBS channel. All I can presume to say is God bless PBS
(kind of has a certain ring, doesnt it?). I now seem to be more fascinated
with programs of the factual realm than ones that belong to the realm of
fiction. It was a program on writing, and the topic was on business.
Yesterday, they were showing a program about entrepreneurship that
featured a monotone blowhard who got all of his ideas out of Thomas J.

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Stanleys best-selling inside-info business books, The Millionaire Next

Door and The Millionaire Mind (one of which Im currently reading).
Despite the fact that the host was somewhat obnoxious and didnt seem to be
smart enough to think up very many original, enlightening business
techniques of his own, I still got a lot out of the program, because it was just
a tad different.

Well, I think in the future Im going to do a lot of reading, primarily to get

ideas for my writing. Economic books, business books, philosophy books,
the newspaper, journalism magazines like Time and Rolling Stone, books on
ecology perhaps, novels, comic books, script books, books on writing, and
my journals. Thats all I can think of now, but thats far more than enough.

I just got caught up and also finished this weeks web design classs research
assignment. Now I can type in my journal just for fun and to waste time! I
have to go to my life-drawing class soon though. There are certain topics Id
love to do research on. The brain, animals, ontology, phenomenology, the
economy, education, nature, knowledge, creativity, self-expression,
individuality, violence, parenthood, childhood, growing up, mathematics,
physics, science, history, meditation, politics, relationships, sleep, dreams,
metaphysics, spirituality, ecology, philosophy, religion, world culture,
technology, law, education. The possibilities are endless! I wouldnt mind
becoming knowledgeable in any of these topics and many more. Any topic
that Im knowledgeable on is a topic I like, because that way I can talk and
write about it. Must concentrate though. Have to get back to working on my
portfolio. Not sure what else to write about. I dont have much time to write.
Ill be leaving the computer soon anyway. Ive written a lot of interesting
things very recently. During the entire course of today, I havent even
listened to music while I was on this computer even once. Not once.

Well, Doing fine right now. Morale is very low in my hometown now,
though. What with the collapse of the World Trade Center and all, which I
suppose is understandable. My new teacher at school today called me a
great, great thinker, which Ill gladly take as a compliment. I know Im
some kind of a thinker, but I try not to admit it or boast at the cost of making
myself sound self-serving or arrogant, plus my intellect is only prone to

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become manifest in certain areas, not all areas. I actually enjoy reading
encyclopedias and the dictionary for entertainment. Pure entertainment used
to satiate me, but now Im much more entertained by knowledge, innovation
and meditation. Thats the way it should be, keeping this simple and pure. I
feel like I need something deep, so that my mind will have something to
chew on, brain candy, if you will. I want the things I think about to be
profound enough, so that if you read them on an empty mind, youll have to
reread them, but they still make you dizzy from a lot of information and
ideas. I find many of my favorite books do that to my mind.

I got back from work and my mother and I were just talking to Phil and
Kristine on the phone. Ill talk about that in a little bit, but first, something
weird to report. I was looking at Amazon.com, and more specifically the
best-seller list of the top selling 100 books. Considering the news events,
take a guess what kind of books people are buying and whats on peoples
minds this week. This is where it gets weird. More than half the books on the
bestseller list were ones about the prophecies of Nostradamus, the
supernatural apocalyptic doomsayer. Im not lying here. Guess what many
of the other books on the bestseller list were about. New York City, the
Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, terrorism and fighting terrorism,
Islam, the Taliban, and Osama bin Laden. The weird thing is that not one of
these books was written by a famous author, and none of them are fiction.
Now if someone suddenly published a book specifically about all of these
topics combined, and more specifically the World Trade Center tragedy, that
book would sell a lot of copies, and Im sure there will be a lot of books to
come in the future that will be about this topicJust imagine how many
artists, film directors, and writers have heard about and probably been
inspired by this topic, even though Im sure few will think of anything
original or eternal to say about this thing. The majority of people will only
copy what they see everyone else saying or doingThis particular book
topic will soon become a mainstream book publishing market clich because
its so in demand.

Have become interested in some scientific topics lately. Ive become

interested in quantum physics and subatomic particles, and would like to
familiarize myself with these terms. I would also like to learn more things
about Technocrats. Going through college usually takes a quadrennium,
which is four years. During work, I read the most amazing article during my

P a g e | 665

break, out of Discover magazine that I was reading during lunch break, even
though it was more of a dinner break. The article was about this genius
physicist whos a recluse, whos also thought up this incredibly brilliant
theory thats a new take on the possibility of parallel dimensions existing,
and hes done it through these ingenious physics theories. Amazing. His
theory that he dreamed up is that there may very well be universes that exist
out there, just like this one, that contain earths just like this one that have
twin versions of me and you. So maybe his theory is the proof of the
intelligent life out there. If his theory is correct and it turns out there are no
extraterrestrials, then that would mean that the only real intelligent life out
there is us? Well not us exactly, but more like doppelgangers of ourselves.
This physicists name is David Deutsch. There are certain physicists whose
names Im familiar with. Such as Albert Einstein of course, Isaac Newton,
Stephen Hawking, Richard P. Feynman, and now David Deutsch. These are
all geniuses. There are also some philosophers whose names Im familiar
with, but there are too many to name right now. Another good Zen book title
would be Zen in the Art of Quantum Physics.

When looking for descriptions, a good place to go to study reference is

magazine articles and reviews in newspapers. For instance, in one of my
newest Rolling Stones, there is an article about Britney Spears, and it gave a
perfect example of an eloquent description of a beautiful girl, using such
descriptions as Honey blonde hair, which really conjures up the associated
image that goes with the specific type of blonde that the hair is.

Now about my teacher: I was talking to Phil and Christine on the phone,
because my mother and I were worried about them, them being from New
York as well as having relatives up there and all. They were very glad we
called to check up on them and Kristine said that theyd been talking about
me for the last week, including right before I called. They want to come to
my graduation and really want me to visit the Art Institute of Fort
Lauderdale, and it turns out Phil wont be hurt if I decide to go to CalArts,
even though the Institute of Fort Lauderdale sounds tempting. Phil says Cal
Arts is the Harvard of art schools. They said that when I visit, theyd give
me the grand tour, which is very nice of them. It was nice to be able to talk
to them again, and comforting.

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Well, Ive been reading some articles on the Drudge Report website, and Im
seeing some pretty terrifying stuff. The British Prime Minister is warning
that the terrorist groups need to be stopped completely to prevent nuclear
war and the terrorists from using nuclear weapons, which may happen. Also,
in India, and innocent boy was shot dead right in front of his school, by
members of the Taliban, Im assuming, who put a note next to the boy
warning the India government not to aid the United States in any strikes
against Afghanistan to find Osama bin Laden. As a student of Buddhism,
Im taught universal love and compassion, and I guess being somewhat of an
intellectual, Im able to see the universal as well, but I am concerned about
the threat of nuclear war and the Talibans malicious intent and lack of
concern for innocent lives. This is a real amoral evil, not some supernatural
one. Ive come to a conclusion. The Taliban group must be either nearly or
entirely eradicated, if the world is to get closer to achieving world peace. I
still believe world peace is attainable, but this arrogant and ignorant terrorist
group must be stopped. All its leading members must be hunted down
brought to a halt, which would not only make things easier for the United
States, but also for Afghanistan, India and many other places as well. For the
sake of peace and extra hope, the Taliban group must be eliminated;
otherwise they will just keep making more assaults on the United States. The
World Trade Center is gone, and they can rebuild it, but its not going to be
the same. New York is not going to be the same. I honestly think this attack
on our country will not amount to much, but in order to prevent further
attacks, the Taliban must be taught a lesson that they cant fuck with the
most powerful country in the world, then run around like they own the
world. We can kick their asses and flatten their puny pathetic little country
without much effort if we really tried to, and all they have is their tiny group
of allies. We have more than half the world as an ally. They can attack us in
cowardly ways like they did on Tuesday, but theyre pussies and weakminded individuals who think theyre invincible, so they wont be able to do
much more than that. There will be no war, because no entire country is
attacking us and theres no one to go to war with, and we cant even see our
enemy. They wont admit what they did because they need to lurk in the
shadows in order to get what they perceive as the upper hand, but this wont
last for long. Despite all the doomsayers and the pessimistic media in this
country, I still have an underlying hope for the future. Im just somewhat
angry about how someone could do such a precise, but cowardly attack on
so many people who dont even have relations to our countrys government
agenda. Im not afraid to go outside, Im not afraid to die (or at least I dont

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have as many apprehensions about the whole thing), and Im not afraid to go
on an airplane to get to New York once this whole airliner confusion and
lack of safety thing clears up, and Im pretty certain it will in a few months.
It would help anyone if theyd take their mind off this situation right now,
because I seriously doubt its as bad as it seems. There are positive aspects
to this situation. For instance, this incidents taken so many lives, but at least
its making the government less lax on security and more prone to take
action against foreign rivals.

I believe the whole country is upset because many are worried something
else like this will happen, and theyre even more worried that that something
might happen to them. I suppose that proves that the majority of this country
has not grasped the concept of impermanence and letting go of clinging to
life. Saying this makes me a lot less worried. I wish I could do something to
comfort the people of this country, but I cant seem to be able to do that
now.

I was just watching the news and it appears America is finally getting back
on its feet. Thank God. The up-tempo newscaster stated that far fewer flights
were canceled today than yesterday or the day before. And I actually saw
some smiling people on the news once again. This is good. This manifests
the beauty and power of hope. I felt comforted by watching that report. I feel
comforted when I see people out there that are smiling, who send off a tone
of hope. I should talk about other topics than the tragedy, but its just that
theres so much that can be said about it that its tough not to talk about it.

Well, I went to work today, and I faced some blatant racially based hostility,
because I suppose to some people I look kind of like a middle-easterner, and
the fact that they perceive me this way sucks. My parents had a lot of
compassion for my situation, but Im not too bummed out about it. I realized
my workplace sucks a long time ago. Im not sure how much longer Im
going to have this job at the supermarket for.

The more I think about the quantum physics theory, which was elaborated
by David Deutsch, the more Im falling in love with it! I got an idea at work

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today, and it was how can I combine the theory of evolution with the theory
behind the marvel that is quantum physics, because if there are parallel
universes, then how would that coincide with their evolutionary and physical
development. How would the beings of that other world and universe
progress over time, or if the creationism theory is true, would the God of this
universe have created that universe, or would it be a god of the parallel
universe. The theory of relativity is interesting as well, because I think part
of the idea behind it says that if you start at a certain point in the universe
and travel at the speed of light through time and space and the cosmos in a
straight line, the theory may state that you will eventually, invariably arrive
at the same point you started at. Im not sure how this is possible, but Im
fascinated by these theories, only I think you have to know how to do
complex physics theories to fully understand these concepts. I still enjoy
speculating regardless.

This is amazing. Even after the World Trade Center tragedy on Tuesday and
all the confusion about terrorism, after a couple days the world is starting to
get back up to speed again. The book I did illustrations for still exists in the
publishing world, and after checking the Amazon.com bestseller list, Im
proud to say that even in hard times, Im still here. Im still standing, as a
famous singer once said, but I dont know which one. Maybe Billy Joel. And
Im sure that if my picture was published in that book, Id be famous too!
But its not, so Im not. Thats what doing a comic book, directing a film,
and writing a novel is for. What Im also thinking is that if my books were
be to published in 3 different countries, or in anywhere from 6 to 20
different foreign languages all across the world, Id be more than thrilled. Id
probably even want to do a tour in some of those countries to do signings for
people in different countries. Im very compassionate to as many people as I
can be, especially my readers and audience, which dont seem to exist right
now. But I try to treat everyone with an equal amount of respect, including
haters like the people in this country who have mistaken me for an Arab and
hated me for itgiving me dirty looks, making rude comments and whatnot,
even one of my bosses at work!

I cant wait to live by myself, so I dont have to listen to the nonsense my

family gives each other. I love them, but they irritate me to the extreme
sometimes, because they can have the most obnoxious disputes. My dad

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always raises his voice around my brother when my brother starts with shit,
but that usually doesnt do any good.

Well, I havent meditated since Tuesdays tragedy, but I just did finish
meditating in nothing more than blue jeans, white socks, and a my trademark
black, collared and buttoned down shirt, and Im glad I did. I was feeling
bitter and frightened, but now I feel relaxed, comforted, and benevolent. Im
glad theres something that took my mind off of this whole war situation. I
did a partial Tong-Len exercise for the victims, and thought about some
inspiring things. I also finished writing my interpretation of the Hope for the
Flowers storybook, and was pleased with the way it turned out with the
insights and whatnot, so Im going to hand it in tomorrow at school to that
new teacher, Mrs. E. I think shell get a kick out of it.
***
While I was meditating, I was thinking about some pretty interesting things.
I began to wonder what separated my interior being from the exterior space
or being that exists right outside my body. When Im sitting down and
meditating on my bed covered in bed sheets, do I not become part of the bed
and bed sheets? It certainly felt like I did. When my feet touch the Earth, do
they not become the soft earth or part of the soft earth? Yes, they do. As a
matter of fact, I thought rather deeply about feeling in general. When we
cease to experience feeling in certain parts of our body that we know by
nature are a part of us, it ceases to seem like that body part exists as part of
our being. When my neck has no feeling, does not feel pain, heat, or cold, it
seems quite like I dont have a neck, yet the manifestation of its exterior
physical being is confirmed when I glance at it in the mirror. When I cant
see it and cannot feel it at all, for my direct perception, it ceases to be in my
mind, even though it still exists in my memory and can be perceived by the
direct sense of sight, which belongs to other people when they see my neck.
When Im meditating, I lose my direct awareness and connection with time
and space. I become everything and everywhere. When I was at my
meditation zenith, there was no self and no room surrounding me. No cat
sitting beside me. No tragedy that just happened. No 5,000 people dead
(although I did imagine their suffering). No nation, with incredibly low
morale. No negative feeling and atmosphere at my workplace. No
impending war on terrorism. No exploitative journalism media that tells
every event as it happens second by second. No young children who are

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losing sleep because of the disturbing images they see on their televisions.
There was only the perceptive totality of all things good and transcendental.
Of course these things exist in the direct physical and personal world, but on
a transpersonal level, they only exist as small molecules, which exist in the
one-organism that is the totality of the cosmos. There was no yesterday or
tomorrow. No last year or next year. No here of there. There was only my
one Self, or body-mind in the here and now, and the beautifully celestial
luminosity of the sunlight shining through the blinds that blocked the view
of the window in my bedroom, casting a damp shadow over my entire room.
There was only the world and myself as one. It was beautiful.
***
I showed my mother my storybook interpretation today, and she loved it,
which is a good sign. I also just got finished drawings some today as well. It
was good to get back into the swing of that, the drawing and whatnot. It feels
good to be getting back to normal, as in meditating and drawing, because I
must have felt like I was missing something in the wake of all that tragedy.
My mother brought home Burger King for dinner tonight, and we ate it on
the back porch. For the past couple days, weve had some people come in
and redo our roof and the tiles in our house, which has been a pain in the ass
for all of us because it was getting tough to move around. Things have been
getting back to normal, though. Slowly but surely. I only watched about 2
minutes of news coverage today, as compared to 3 or 6 hours of news
coverage on Tuesday: the day of tragedy. I need to take my mind off this
grim event. Its not really as bad as it seems. I didnt read any of The
Millionaire Mind today though. I might do that tomorrow. I was just
concentrating on getting caught up on my schoolwork. There are two art
aspects that are overall new to me, but are interesting to me more and more
as time goes on. They are CGI (computer generated Imagery) or 3-D
computer animation, and Photoshop, which is used for coloring artwork. Ill
probably learn about doing computer art in art school.

Oh my god, my own writing finally got to me. I just read the insight in the
above insight, and reading the partial middle and end brought me close to
tears. I didnt think my own writing could bring me to tears because Im the
one who wrote it, but its come very close. Not tears of sadness. Only in a
certain sense. Only tears from reading something so beautiful and poignant. I
didnt think my own writing could affect me like this, but I needed

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something miraculous and comforting, and apparently I got it by reading

that. Maybe I should stop writing now. My writing and art have definitely
changed my life. I might be sad when its finally time to say goodbye. I wish
I could stay here and read good-natured depth (either written by other
people, or by myself) forever and stay in this land of joy forever, but sadly it
cannot be this way. Everyone has to say goodbye eventually, and hopefully
when the time comes Ill be ready for it.

Theres some books I want to buy, even though I bought two today. Some of
them include Bee Season and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,
which is supposed to be one of the most profound contemporary bestsellers
of our time. I bought two books from Borders today. An act, which I havent
done in quite some time, and despite my moms protest, enjoyed doing
anyway. I just kind of like the feeling of purchasing good books, and I did
just that today. I was going to buy Lama Surya Das follow-up to Awakening
the Buddha Within, the second book, Awakening to the Sacred, which is less
of an introduction to karma, impermanence, dharma and whatnot, and is
more about different practice methods like chants and contemplative
mantras, which would be just as useful to me, but I didnt see it in stock at
the Borders I went to, so I bought two other books instead. Integral
Psychology by Ken Wilber (This book is so respected that it even got a rave
review from the Professor of Education at the Harvard University Graduate
School of Education, Robert Kegan), which is my second Wilber book that
Ive purchased because I cant get enough of that guys writing, and Basic
Writings of Kant, as in Immanuel Kant, the famous influential western
philosopher. I love buying good philosophy books that make me think, and
these two books seemed like the perfect choice. I also learned a new term
today from my teacher. Taxonomy. I think it represents the human methods
of organization and categorization. I definitely am making a note to go more
into studying the human brain or mind and the cerebral or psychological
dimensions of mortality and human existence. One thing I definitely know is
that my brain is definitely not Harvard-worthy or Yale-worthy and that Im a
wimp. My brothers new girlfriend whose name I dont know how to spell
called me weak, which I suppose I am. Im definitely out of shape, so that
criticism was justified by all standards. I doubt Ill ever take a physics of
philosophy course in college during my life, even though I do kind of study
physics and philosophy.
***

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Im currently fascinated by trying to form a hypothesis or thesis that

integrates the quantum physics/parallel dimension theory with the concept
behind natural selection or evolutionary progress, to see if the twin
inhabitants on a world in a parallel universe would evolve and advance
differently than the beings in this dimension. If the phenomena on that world
were to change and progress at the same speed as the phenomena on this
planet, like how we went from point A towards a long path and inevitably
reached point B and C, would those nearly identical phenomena arrive at
points B and C as well? Thats very tough to say. You probably would have
to take the environment, physiological, economical, and geographical
stimulus into account. There are so many profound questions that science
raises which let philosophical reasoning and perception attempt to answer.
But to fully develop a philosophical hypothesis around scientific evidence, it
certainly helps to understand the reasoning behind science as well as
philosophy, which again comes full circle and invariably, creates a question
that can indirectly integrate with the branch of philosophy known as logical
positivism and scientific empiricism.
***
There are two things Im going to have to do a lot of in the next couple of
days and beyond, and they are draw for my portfolio and work on doing
more research at thehistorychannel.com for my web design class, but that
wont be as hard as the portfolio. Not anywhere near as challenging for a
person like me. Im still up to the challenge of this portfolio, despite that fact
that Im one or two months behind and its going to involve a lot of creative
labor, but Im up to the challenge, damnit! Ive handled much worse
suffering than that of creative labor. Thats for certain. Im up to my ears in
unread philosophy books for the time being, so Im deeply intellectually
satiated for now with books and time taken out of my day for meditation
practice. I dont want to be compared by critics to any historic greats, artistic
or literary masters, or Nobel or Pulitzer Prize winners, because I just dont
view myself anywhere near that type of level. My intellect is nothing more
than random spurts of insight, nothing more. Its really not all that
impressive. It all goes with part of trying to be egoless, humble, selfless and
modest. So I have access to universal concepts. So what? Hundreds of others
have the same type of access, so this is nothing really new. Maybe it just
hasnt been stated in the way Ive stated it: In a new light, so to speak. Id
take that as an extreme compliment, for certain. If you want real insight, ask

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Ken Wilber, Mohandas Gandhi, HH the Dalai Lama, Albert Einstein, and
Jean-Paul Sartre. Dont ask me. They make me look very stupid and clichd.
In other words, I just dont consider my mind all that grand or special. Sure
my work can make quite a few of the artists displaying their work on
side7.com look not quite as impressive, but there at least 50 artists out there
in the world somewhere who can do the exact same thing, so no matter how
good I might view myself as (not much. Thats for sure), I have to remember
theres always people out there who know something better, whether its
drawing aesthetics, writing good stories, depth, Buddhism, or even the
universe or as I like to call it, the cosmos. I wouldnt expect anyone to cling
to my every word or every piece of work. That would be ridiculously
unreasonable, to say the least. In my opinion, humility manifests noble
intentions, among other constructive things. Id better not say much else. I
have a portfolio piece to work on.

I just finished working on part of my newest portfolio piece, and Im done

for tonight, but Ill resume work on it tomorrow. If I cant think of anything
decent to write about in the next two or five minutes, Im going back to
reading, because thats easier than writing in this journal right now. I think
Ive said all there is for me to say right now.

Im not going to do much journal writing today. I am however going to be

doing a lot of reading, drawing, and working on my web design class during
the course of this afternoon and tonight. As a matter of fact, Im not even
sure why I opened this journal file and started a new entry. Fuck! Im only
sort of kidding here. My artwork kind of sucks, compared to the masters of
western art. I have an irrefutable urge to create. My urge to create is one that
cannot be denied. My temporal urges and yearnings can suffice by being
repressed, but my urge to create is so strong that it actually seems like quite
a transcerebral urge. My creative manifestations live on long after I die, for
they stay integral and keep their vitality by living on in the minds of people
who experience my work and allow it to change them for the better. I dont
believe artists will every be perceived by the general populous as some of
the most important people in the world, but more to a lesser degree of
importance, working as entertainers, leaders, and therapists to a certain
percentage of the population, which is by no means a worthless or bad thing.
Its just not the same as being the most important. I include myself in this
equation, because Im not a self-serving, egotistical and arrogant

P a g e | 674

megalomaniac. I dont think this statement is deep enough to suffice for an

entire philosophy, but I do have a conviction that itll suffice for a brief
outlook. Many people mistake brief outlooks or manifestos as actual
philosophies, and as a person whos an amateur, part-time student of the
linguistic enigma that is philosophy, I can say that brief or concise outlooks
and manifestos do not suffice as integral philosophies. Music videos and
non-literary entertainment, to me, get so boring after a while! They dont
leave any room for ambiguity. They dont transcend conventions and give
the mind anything to chew on, taste, or speculate about, which I suppose is
where philosophy and prolific literary works come in. I got so excited
yesterday when I found out I was going to buy Ken Wilbers Integral
Psychology book, which is primarily about metaphysical, philosophical, and
psychological studies conducted and analyzed by Wilber. Simply holding
that book in my smooth, tan palms makes me feel smarter, like Im
expanding my knowledge.

Now that I think about it, Im not a genius. Im an idiot. But if I am a genius,
Im not a very experienced one. Okay, so maybe theres a small possibility I
am one, but I still make countless mistakes and miscalculations about my
theories and creative hypothesiss. I love reading the works of Friedrich
Nietzsche, Ken Wilber, and Immanuel Kant, though. Sheer brilliance is all I
can think to say about the works by these writers. There is one thing Im
always searching for. Im searching for collective answers to the totality of
the universe, as well as the totality of being itself.

Now before I go read my books, Im going to say what I did with my mother
before I got home from school today. I went to the comic book store, and
picked up Hopeless Savages issue #2, and the latest issue of one of my
favorite manga titles, Oh My Goddess!. Then my mother and I went to the
pet store thats now where the old Winn-Dixie used to be, to pick up another
litter box for Tigger to use, in case she has to go to the bathroom while she
stays in my room all night and no ones able to let her out. Shes had to
urination accidents in my room in the past, and it was not a pretty sight.
Paper magazine soaked in cat urine do not smell very good, to say the least.
Ill go read now.

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Well, I was just reading for about an hour or two, and then I worked on my
new portfolio piece some: the one with the cybernetic monster that is typing
on the laptop.

I deliver good news. I finished The Millionaire Mind at around 7:00 p.m.
earlier tonight, and am glad that I did. Afterwards I took out all the books
that I was considering reading after I finished The Millionaire Mind (whoo
man. There were a lot to choose from!), and I narrowed the choices down,
despite how temping all the books looked (Tis looks very enjoyable, and so
does Soul Mountain), and ended up having to make a decision between two
books, On Writing and Awakening the Buddha Within. Since I already know
quite a bit about writing even though I dont know it completely, so I
decided on Awaking the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das. This was good.
I did some creative problem solving, which felt good. It made me feel like a
publishing company editor, having to wade through lots and lots of
manuscripts. So, without further ado, Im going to go read some more of my
books tonight, and I might do a little bit more writing at around 9:30 (its
8:16 right now). Hey. This is good. I think Im finally starting to use this
writing in moderation. I might even draw some more tonight.

You know, if and when I find another girlfriend, in the post-Heather era of
my lifetime (and please God, let me find a girl who is a lot more attractive
and thinner than Heather), I dont think Ill settle for a lover who wants
nothing more than sex. I dont want a relationship thats nothing more than
100% physiological and theres no psychological things going on there.
Thats too shallow for my tastes, and that would consist of nothing more
than ephemeral and transient relationship. There wouldnt be much that was
meaningful going on there. That would seem pointless to me. I need love
and at least a little bit of affection in my relationships. Attractive groupies
are like a poison-filled food. They look good on the outside, but when you
bite into them and get to the center, it kills. True love hardly ever goes hand
in hand with pure sexual desire. And I think Ive come to the realization that
guys arent the only ones who often engage in a relationship purely for the
sake of lust. Girls do it too. If they didnt, then why would there still be
groupies? Just like I have practically no true desire for meaningless sex, I
also have no true greedy desire for too much money, either. Im not even
worried about becoming rich and famous. That would probably only
complicate things for my life. Id rather dedicate myself to helping the lot of

P a g e | 676

humanity. No joking here. I also dont really have a desire for power, unless
it was the type of power that created positive influence, such as teaching
more people of their timeless Buddha Nature and karmic valor. Buddhists
tend to want to live the Dharma as well as telling other people about the
Dharma to help other people extinguish there suffering and achieve wisdom,
peace, happiness, hope, and transcendence. You dont have to come from or
be born in Tibet, Japan, or India to become a practicing Buddhist. The
cosmic law of karma and whatever Dharma is, is compatible with many
different lifestyles, and is open to nearly anyone who chooses to follow the
noble path as Buddha once did. Buddhism teaches of the silliness and
pointlessness of clinging to life too much. Becoming more wise about and
meditating on the core nature of impermanence helps one understand this
concept better. Its okay to practice other religions instead of Buddhism; just
so long as one practices whatever religion they choose sincerely and not
superficially. I wouldnt expect all the people I know to be Buddhists or
convert to Buddhism. I have simply found that the Buddhist path works best
for me, is rewarding and compliments my lifestyle very well. Its put me at
ease about my place in life. I do believe in God somewhat, even though I am
agnostic, but I dont believe in the stereotypical Christian God. I believe
more in the Jewish and/or pantheist type of God (label me a pagan if you
want to. I honestly dont care), who may have created the Universe or is part
of the universe and Earth, but does not fully partake in its trivial existence,
because a personal God seems more to me like a deity of self-servitude,
rather than a deity of true cosmic and transpersonal love and lifecherishment. We should all cherish and value all forms of life, because we
can never predict when it will end and when our perception of temporality
will cease to be. Maybe a kind of new-age Christianity of the future will
emerge where the universally altruistic God (rather than a wrathful one) will
coincide with dogmatic law and theological principals. That might even be
more of a Buddhist God than a Christian one.

Jeez. I cant believe it. There are about 1 billion people who watch the
Academy Awards ceremony when its telecast live on television. So if I
made a film that was really great and I got a nomination for Best Director,
and I won, Id have to stand up in front of 1 billion people, including the
hundreds in the audience, walk down the walkway, up the steps and to the
podium, then make an acceptance speech. Id be a bundle of nerves, Id bet.
Id have to not think about how many people were watching me make my
acceptance speech, as well as say something interesting. Being the main

P a g e | 677

focus of a ceremony like that would make me a big time celebrity, especially
if I got a nomination for writer/director/producer. Id be the M. Night
Shyamalan, Quentin Tarantino, Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, Ron
Howard type big. Thats big big. Im not sure how Id handle that type of
status. I know Id definitely be humble about the whole thing, but Im just
not sure how Id react to being view as that powerful or famous. It probably
wont happen, so I dont have to worry about it. Not yet anyway. Step one is
writing a great screenplay, which Im sure is something I could do if I
worked hard enough. When I write, I usually dont think about my audience,
or how many potential people are actually seeing and reading my work. If I
did think about that stuff, how would I say anything profound or insightful?
I probably couldnt. Just thinking about reading off a thank list for an
acceptance speech Id have to give in front of 1 billion people across the
world makes me very nervous and intimidated. It feels just as intimidating as
going to public high school, except its more rewarding and encouraging.
You probably get used to it after a while, or so I hear.

Just got back from my life drawing class. I didnt get as much done today as
I hoped I would have. Disappointed, but still optimistic as usual. Not sure
what to write about just now. Im getting very tired, so I might not write
much. Im going to be working a lot this weekend, though. Im making
improvements in my drawings. Theyre getting better as I make even more
life drawings. My portfolio should be very kick ass when its done. Ive
worked hard on it during the last couple days, but perhaps I should work
even harder. The only thing I can think of about my life that truly sucks is
the fact that I have it way too easy, and Im still falling behind! How can this
be? I have one chapter to go until I finish reading the biography book Im
reading, Spielberg. After Im finished with that book, I can start reading On
Writing, as well as finish The Lion, Witch and Wardrobe and Painted
Spider. Im not sure what Ill read after these books. Maybe Im not going to
be ready to move out anytime soon, but still do it anyway. My mom just
gave me some words of support and hugged me. Sometimes all I need is to
shut my overactive mind off and embrace the therapeutic embrace of a hug,
and that was just such a case. Meditation is good, but hugs are too. I have to
remember that even when my existence feels the worst, like right now, its
better than not existing at all.

P a g e | 678

I just finished The Millionaire Mind 2 or 3 days ago. And now today, during
school, I finished reading the biography book, Spielberg. So now Ive started
reading On Writing.

Sorry I didnt write much yesterday. I got tired and was reading.

Anyway, Im living a peaceful life and am hoping for good karma. I just sort
of relaxed today. I have a new art assignment, which Im working on today,
and I got to show Lynn, one of Moms friends, my drawings, and she like
many others, told me I have a lot of talent and that she was very impressed.
Other than that I didnt do very much. I watched an MTV special on the
World Trade Center tragedy, read some of Awakening the Buddha Within,
meditated peacefully, and now Im writing in this journal a little bit while
listening to some relaxing Mozart.

I dont really have all that much to write about. My brother has a new
girlfriend, Inez. Theres one thing that bothers me about my brothers
relationships. His relationships usually dont have a very strong foundation
underneath. Theyre often driven by lust and sexual passion. I would like to
ask him how long he truthfully thinks his relationship is going to last, when
the pillars of the relationship are not very stable ones. Me. I have all the time
in the world to find the right companion, and to grow up and become an
adult, so Im in no hurry. My brother has his whole life to decide which
relationship is right for him.

I now have about 10 minutes until I begin working on the art assignment that
Lynn gave me. This should be fun!

You know, Im not sure if Im really all that original of a thinker. I have
made progress however. My cerebral being has been enhanced with a
healthy dose of wisdom, reading, Buddhism, philosophy and meditation. I
have a much more universal outlook now, and thank God for that. I also
embrace integrated humility as well. I dont have much time left to write,
though. Being and animated series creator, novelist, painter, film director,

P a g e | 679

and comic book series creator has completely been out of my mind lately.
Im not really worried about these things as much currently, because if I
keep up the hard work, they probably will happen. Im just concentrating on
being a noble human being with an integral spirit and wholesome intellect,
which are all indispensably part of the plethora of my temporal being.

Got home from work about an hour early tonight, so Im home from work,
writing this and its only 8:54! I ought to do this every work night. Anyway
(perhaps anyway will be my new quote), I have a truly large amount of
work to do tomorrow, which I why Im probably going to try to get an hours
worth of reading and writing done tonight, in the next hour. I definitely want
to buy the book A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking, collected and
reprinted works by all the great masters of western and eastern philosophy,
and some more books by Ken Wilber and Lama Surya Das, such as A Brief
History Of Everything (Wilber), Awakening to the Sacred (Surya Das), No
Boundary (Wilber), The Words by Jean-Paul Sartre, and Zen And The Art of
Motorcycle Maintenance. I also want to get more books on eastern
philosophy, the Dalai Lama, Zen, ecology, ontology, physics, and possibly
Taoism. Im also interested in studying European, Tibetan and Chinese
culture. I already know a lot about American culture.

When one is living ones life, every moment can be an opportunity for a
lesson on living a spiritual and enlightened life. One does not need to be in
church or in a Tibetan monastic shrine to be in a spiritual place. Thats the
miracle of the Dharma. It works wherever you are, whenever youre there.
Just because I think the thoughts I do does not mean that I dont stick to
living a simple life. Theres not much thats elaborate about my daily living,
but I do try to keep my mind active, and my body as well occasionally. In
my opinion, intellect doesnt matter when you hate your life. Sheer brilliance
doesnt matter when all you really want to do is die to end the misery. It may
seem important to the people who arent as brilliant, but the intelligence
becomes so natural to the individual that it doesnt seem strange at all, but it
just seems like a natural part of the individuals thinking process. For me,
though, when a decent thought manifests itself through the dimensions of
my cerebral being (if this actually happens), then it can tend to give a
positive boost to my self-reliance and confidence. Perhaps the topic in this
journal of the last few days has been influence. Will I influence other
people in creative and compassionate ways? Will I influence many, or very

P a g e | 680

few? I suppose this is a question every creative and aspiring professional

asks himself or her self at one time or another, and you never know if its
going to happen, until it happens.

Ive almost filled up a page of writing, and its only taken me about 15
minutes or so. Kick arse! That doesnt just kick ass. It kicks ass in a British
way! When Im done filling up a page or a page-and-a-half, Im going to
probably read some, because tomorrow, Im doing not much other than
drawing and working on the freelance art assignment. Makes enough sense.
Why shouldnt it? Im being paid after all. Theres really no excuse, and
laziness doesnt suffice for an excuse. Never has. Never will. Right now, I
dont get paid to write, and I dont care if I am because Ill continue to do it
anyway. I do write like a professional, however, which is good. How could it
be bad? As far as Im concern it cant. There no way that could hurt my
chances of getting published. If anything, it will improve my chances. Now
that I think about it, I might stop writing right now even. Its a good thing
Ive finished both The Millionaire Mind and Spielberg in a relatively short
amount of time. Now all I have left to go in order to start reading even more
books that I havent read yet is Painted Spider and The Lion, The Witch, and
the Wardrobe, but those books shouldnt take very long to finish.

P a g e | 681

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 44

P a g e | 682

Later September, 2001

Got to read another chapter out of Awakening the Buddha Within, and its
talked about some interesting things, which will be good for my article.
Things such as authentic being, and luminosity (how its involved in
spiritual practice). Its true. How can you help the world if you dont know
how to help yourself? Save yourself and you can also save the world.
Mindful living is important as well. Ive been reading a lot lately. Ive read
four hardcover books all in a row. Tuesdays with Morrie, The Art of
Happiness, The Millionaire Mind, and Spielberg. All non-fiction books, but
all definitely good books for the most part. I also read Te-Tao Ching by Lao
Tzu, The Dalai Lamas Book of Wisdom, and One Taste by Ken Wilber.

Got back from work. Man, what a crazy day. Im too exhausted to talk about
it though. I might not even write that much if I cant think of anything to
think about. I did think some beautiful things during my work break, though,
such as the fact that the existence of form is a constituent for being, which is
a given, but I havent heard it stated this way before, in an ontological
analysis and whatnot.

It seems like a lot of famous writers and artists live in distinctive places. For
example, Stephen KingBangor, Maine. Ken WilberBoulder, Colorado.
Dave BarryMiami, Florida. Evan DorkinStaten Island, New York. But
what matters is not where the creative person lives, but what matters is what
kind of work they produce. It all comes down to being about the art and
storytelling.

P a g e | 683

Have recently been having a lot of fun in and making a lot of progress in my
life drawing class. During my last life drawing class, which was last
Thursday, I created one new portfolio piece, and did a bunch of gesture
drawings that I just got to see and found them very enjoyable to look at, not
just to see my own evolution as an artist, but also to see what kind of
drawings I can currently create. This is how I can perhaps try to one day get
as good as Yoshitaka Amano, Will Eisner, Hiroaki Samura, and Frank Cho.
By practicing my ass off.
Not going to write much else. I have a headache and I have to take a shower
pretty soon in preparation for school. Did get to meditate this morning for
about 13 minutes, so that was good.

Got back from school, and Im hardly going to write in this journal at all, but
my brother and his girlfriend, Inez, are over, and Andrew talked me into
showing Inez some of my drawings. He also talked me into showing her my
room, which is filled with all types of wonderful books, drawings, CDs,
musical instruments, notes, magazines, and comic books, and my bed also
suffices for a partial meditation room. Told you hes a genius, my brother
told Inez as she got a good look at my room and saw some of my portfolio
pieces and life-drawings. It didnt strike me until just now, but there is an
incredibly creative atmosphere in my room. Its a lot of fun just to spend
time in there by myself, listening to music, drawing, meditating on various
things, reading, thinking, or whatever. I consider my bedroom and the toyroom (its now called the computer room), where the computer is, to be
my workplaces. I truly do live a blessed, wonderful and beautiful life, and I
for one am very thankful for having this life, but thats only a conviction if
God really exists, which is something I dont know for sure. I cant write for
much longer, because I have to finish that poster today, drawing the fish, the
letters and darkening in the lines I drew lightly at first. If I work hard,
finishing it should only take two or three hours, but it must be finished by
tomorrowor Im in deep shit. Plain and simple.

One thing that Ive learned from reading books on Buddhism is that there are
two poisonous subsets of attachment: Pride and Jealousy. They poison
natural perfect perception. And I must admit that Im guilty of pride
sometimes, because for me its often in the form of attachment to an
accomplishment or title, such as I am an intellectual, I am a philosopher, I

P a g e | 684

am a Buddhist, I am a business person, I am creative, I work at a grocery

store bagging groceries, Im an artist, Im a writer. These are all forms of
attachments, which I have not yet extinguished and disattached from. This is
all part of embracing the Dharma. There is also a prayer that I should
definitely make an effort to remember. Its called the Refuge Prayer. It goes
like this:

The Refuge Prayer:

I go to refuge in the Buddha, the enlightened teacher;
I commit myself to enlightenment;
I go to refuge in the Dharma, the spiritual teachings;
I commit myself to truth as it is.
I go to refuge in the Sangha, the spiritual community;
I commit myself to living the enlightened life.
Thats it. Its not too hard to remember. Also, it seems as if in Tibet, many
of the most experience monks seem to have mantras that they create for
nearly every activity of the day. I should do the same one day.

This is good. I dont have to worry about competing. Life shouldnt be about
competing, but in my drawing and writing, Im ahead of the furry-animal-&deformed-anime-face-drawing competition, and Im also ahead of the
popular-novelist-ripping-off competition, because I have the weapon known
as contemplation and syntax. Im not worried about catching up to the level
of other artists. Im more concerned about meeting deadlines for my
artwork.

Amazing. Simply amazing. I was just looking through the book 101 More
Favorite Play Therapy Techniques, and I couldnt stop staring at the
illustrations I did for the book, particularly the Nesting Dolls illustration.
The smiles and optimistic eyes on the dolls had me in awe, because thats
my own personality staring back at me in print, in professional published
format! This was my first time accomplishing something like this.
Manifestations of part of my personality have now been seen all across the
world, by thousands of people, in multiple countries (America, the United
Kingdom, Canada, France, Germany, Japan) mostly through Amazon.com. I
just couldnt stop staring. I was that much in awe. All this exposure and the

P a g e | 685

part of my name thats printed in the book are the initials, J.A., so no one,
except the people who know me, really knows that Im the one who did
those illustrations.

I just saw the Art Institutes website, which is the school where my xanimation teacher is the head administrator of the animation department, and
got to see pictures not too long ago of what the school looks like. I was very,
very impressed. More impressed and in awe than I used to be. It looks quite
prestigious and looks like a cozy place to live. I might really like it there. I
cant wait to take the grand tour that they said theyd give, as well as fly
across many states and tour the campuses of SVA and Cal Arts. Thats going
to be amazing. Whats really amazing is that I got the opportunity to get
personal lessons from Phil, and now hes a college administrator big shot.
Hes an important person now. I saw his name and position listed in the new
college lists in this months issue of Animation Magazine. Its good to know
someone whos possibly on his way to becoming big in the industry, if hes
not already there. Art school is going to be a whole new atmosphere for me
to be in, making adjustments to my way of living and whatnot. Its good to
feel at home in a place, especially if youre going to spend a quadrennium of
your life there.

Parents and brother are arguing again, but Im not really that bothered by it.
Ive heard them argue and scream harsh things at each other so many times
that Ive kind of been desensitized to it. Ive also realized that my brothers
mind is clouded by temporality, much like the mind of many people across
the world, and thats all there is to it.

Well, the argument passed, and Im glad for this moment of peace. The lack
of loudness makes one appreciate silence even more. When your life lacks
something, youre much more glad when you have it.

I wonder if committed and diligent asceticism can lead to some type of

spiritual transcendence or liberation. Perhaps not Nirvana, but some type of
transpersonal zenith of some sort instead. Self-restraint, regardless of
whichever religion its utilized or promoted in can lead to some pretty

P a g e | 686

amazing increased spiritual progress, just as humanitarian values do.

Asceticism can also correlate with a nonsectarian lifestyle. One does not
need to be religious to live a spiritual life. Ive concluded this from
experience, not from rules or commandments that were passed down to me
from some kind of a sage. The Buddha is my teacher, not my god.

Im very glad I bought Zen in the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Its a

deeply moving philosophy book/novel that is about a lot more important and
universal things than simple motorcycle maintenance. Its got everything,
from what Ive read in it so far. Its profound, innovative, brilliant,
eloquently written, moving, and intelligent. It was written around 1974 and
is now regarded as one of the classics. It may also soon become one of my
favorite books. Tuesdays with Morrie is one of my favorites also. It (Zen and
M. Maintenance) seems like pure genius to me, but then again so do a lot of
books by prolific writers. There is another book I want to add to my buy list.
Its called A Friend of the Earth, by T.C. Boyle.

Today, at Borders, I also bought the Toxicity album by System of a Down. I

really like that one song Chop Suey! Reminds me of why I used to love
Primus. S.O.A.D. has that same type of off-the-wall energy that I love, or
used to love. I guess I still sort of like it, otherwise I wouldnt have bought
Toxicity.

When Im not working on my portfolio, perhaps I should try doing a writing

exercise by writing a weekly column, just for fun. Maybe Id make a decent
columnist. A creative Buddhist thinker gets his own weekly column. This
may sound pretentious, but maybe it would be like if Ken Wilber or Lama
Surya Das got a weekly column. Id read that if it were the same thing were
written by somebody else. That would be interesting. Id have to say that
Dave Barry is my favorite humor columnist. I like Hunter S. Thompsons
writing a lot. Im itching to check out some or a lot of the writing of Kurt
Vonnegut, A.J. Ayer, Joyce Carol Oates, and Ernest Hemingway.

P a g e | 687

Weve been having testing at school, so the kids at school have been getting
out at noon every day this week. And for anyone who would want to know,
although I doubt anyone would, I do respect myself as a person, and my
work as well.

Ive been surprised a lot by today. Last night when I went to bed, I didnt
have a 10 p.m. attack of despair while writing on the computer, which is
what usually happens. It made me feel restored and healed to be able to go to
bed peacefully for once.

Id have to say with promotional marketing; unfortunately 95% of the

entertainment stuff that gets promoted is the most trivial, least important and
most shallow products. Ive found in most cases, the most important,
innovative, intelligent, poignant, profound and creative pieces of expression
Ive come across were things I found on a whim, by chance. Either that or I
found them through relatively little promotion. I guess this is what youd call
the underground. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Buddhism, Robert M.
Pirsigs Zen In The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, They Might Be Giants,
Ken Wilber, The Dalai Lama, what used to be entertaining, overnight,
Florida F.M. talk radio, Park Ave CDs, 91.5 WPRK, Primus, philosophers
(great thinkers, and philosophy books), Cal Arts, Yoshitaka Amano, Paul
Pope, Pulp Fiction, Clerks and other Kevin Smith films, The Sixth Sense,
Stephen King books, Spawn. All founding pillars in the formation of what
entertains me and motivates me to think were primarily found by chance and
luck. Almost all of them were found through searching, word of mouth,
browsing the aisles of a store, textbooks, or surfing the Internet. Sorry
buddy. No Christina Aguilera, Korn, Adam Sandler films, or Eminem here,
and thank goodness theyre not. Now that I have a lot of things to entertain
me and heal me, I tend to be a recluse and isolate myself from the temporal
and ephemeral world. So I guess yeah, I am a recluse.

Not sure what else to talk about. I might work on my portfolio some, do
gesture drawings or something like that, but if I dont, Ill probably read and
meditate, which are always cool things to do by my standards. I would like
to get around to talking about and reading about ethics and ecology. I talk

P a g e | 688

about metaphysical and ontological things a lot in this journal, especially

recently, but I dont seem to talk about ethics and ecology much lately
My 18th birthday is coming up in about a month, and Im not sure what I
want for birthday presents. Im not even sure if I want to turn 18 or graduate
from school and go into secondary education training. I dont think Id mind
being 17 forever. Im getting closer to 20, and then 30, and then of course
come 40 and 50. After that its 60 and above when death will be the closest,
but its all good. Ive lived a good life and when its about to be gone, I think
Ill be ready for it. I wonder what living life day to day will be like when Im
50 or 60 years old. The world will continue to go one long after Ive died. I
think Ill be happy to assimilate into the void of adulthood, though,
especially when I turn 30 or 35 and if by then Ill have lost 30 to 50 lbs.,
which is not out of the realm of possibility. When you get old, you have to
start to move it or lose it. Overall, being an adult is cool. You have access to
stuff, like wisdom, alcohol, freedom, money, spirituality, and sex, among
other things, which you probably didnt have or couldnt have as a kid.
When I was a kid, it was all about toys, cartoons, theme parks and
videogames, and I cant say my priorities have changed all that much
(saying this while half-kidding). Im still a humorous weirdo, just in a
different sense. I have a better sense of my positive aspects. More selfassurance and independence.

There are some ingenious philosophers whose books I definitely want to

check out. Their names are Ludwig Wittgenstein, Rene Descartes, Blaise
Pascal, John Dewey, Bertrand Russel, and Martin Heidegger. This is not
counting Ken Wilber, Nietzsche, Plato, Socrates, Jean-Paul Sartre, Lao Tzu,
Confucius, Immanuel Kant, and Schopenhauer. I ought to read the collected
works of all these thinkers, and then write a thesis, article, interpretation or
essay on what kind of philosophical theories and concepts their work
conveys, which would thus help me understand the nature of my own
philosophical reasoning.

Despite that fact that the album, Toxicity, contains a lot of loud guitars and
screaming, it still manages to manifest a certain amount of beauty and
timelessness, such as the following excerpt:

P a g e | 689

Father/ Into
you
Spirit
oeruaetrrhrhands/
e,oIn
yuefgtosohrfsytoaofroIksuCommend
arsnkhae,kanenm
m
e, eo,My
r
n
m
I
n
d
s,
yToruuInW
rIynFhoayhyuth
t
e
e
h
,
have y u f rsaken me,id e.
st inmyself-righteous suic

Not afraid to be the first one to admit that this lyrical excerpt was beautifully
written. Kudos to Serj Tankian and Daron Malakian: the two artists who
wrote the song lyrics.

Was reading some of On Writing, and I got some good advice out of the
book, which Im sure comes as part of a plethora of writing advice. It talked
about how when you write, you write for yourself, but when you rewrite,
you write to make your work understandable to anyone who decides to pick
up your writingSimple, but very useful.

I suppose its OK to admit that I have talent, if I really do. Theres nothing
wrong in admitting that, so long as its true. In my opinion, there are few
things more enjoyable than reading writing thats simultaneously profound,
poignant, and syntactical. Im very pleased with these last two paragraphs
that I just wrote. Theres something about these paragraphs that I find
interesting. There is a noticeably small amount of unneeded words. They
have a rhythm to them, and it appears as if one sentence sort of leads into the
next naturally. Its as if theyve been tightened by an invisible string. That is
what sufficient writing is all about. Im not sure if Im on my way to best
sellerdom, though. Despite how salable I may think my writing is, I dont
think theres really a way to predict or foretell that sort of thing. Ones
ability to write well does not necessarily correlate with commercial success
in the publishing worldor at least my presumptive nature would assume
so.

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The teachers at school really like my writing. One of them almost always
gives me a 100% grade and marks Excellent in red marker (occasionally
with a couple extra comments) on the top left corner of the page. Its nice to
receive all these rewards and kind praise from people (my parents, brother,
brothers girlfriend, teachers, x-animation teacher, life-drawing teacher, xclassmates), but thank God I havent let it make myself arrogant yet, and
hopefully not any time in the future. Overall, the majority of people I know
have been very supportive. My parents can be tenacious sometimes, but
overall theyre very supportive. The Art Institute seems like a wonderful
place to learn animation, but so does the California Institute of the Arts and
the School of Visual Arts.

Im getting better at this writing and journal stuff. Today, in a single day
Ive written over 2,024 words in a matter of 4 or 5 hours, but Im sure in the
future, it will be edited down to less.

Today I finished the first section of the On Writing book by Stephen King,
and I love the book so far. The first section talks mostly about his life,
though, but its perfectly OK doing that because he tells it very well. I also
just sent Stephen H a lengthy email, which took me about 20 or 30 minutes
to write. Its one whopper of an email.

Am surprised Im even writing in this journal, because I wasnt going to

write in my journal at all, and thought I would just go straight to working on
my portfolio piece, but I suppose the portfolio can wait for another 15 or 30
minutes, because I am going to work on it this evening before 7 p.m.. My
portfolio needs to be finished and I am not allowed to neglect it anymore. I
wrote a good piece about drawing in school for fun, today, about how one
perceives and image they see in an artistic manner. Overall, I felt pleased
with the way it turned out.

Worked on my portfolio piece some today, so Im feeling kind of proud

because I got a lot of things done, even though I could have worked harder

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at drawing today. Going to have to make a birthday list in a little bit (more
specifically a couple weeks from now). Itll probably be comprised of books
mostly. Maybe Awakening to the Sacred, the famous physics book A Brief
History of Time, some DVDs, some philosophy books by Wittgenstein and
Descartes perhaps, Bee Season, the Gandhi, Jean Paul Sartre, or Martin
Luther King autobiographies, Sandman: The Dream Hunters, and/or Neil
Gaimans American Gods. Maybe some music CDs, but Im not sure which
ones. This is weird. It used to be that all I talked about was the possibility of
getting rich, but now that a simple thing like my birthday is coming up,
where people will buy me things, I cant even think of a ton of things Id
want to buy other than books. I guess that proves that I dont necessarily
need money to make myself happy, but I do enjoy receiving and giving gifts.
Will probably do some drawing on my birthday, which might be my way of
treating myself to a birthday present, and it would be drawing something.
Growing up is scary, but at the same time its enjoyable. Maybe Ill go read,
write another one of those observations by hand on a piece of paper, or
meditate. Any of these things would probably be more enjoyable than what
Im doing right now.

Was just surfing the Internet, and I have another life drawing class this
evening. That should be entertaining. I wrote another piece of writing during
school today, and last night right before I went to be when I was very tired,
but considering how tired I was. The piece I wrote when I was tired was
about esthetics, or the nature of beauty. During school I wrote about words
and their meanings. Im sure Id be able to write a lot more about those two
topics if I gave myself the time to do it. Id say 5 pages for each, at least if I
clustered and meditated on these topics. A philosopher would be the best one
to ask about how to define beauty. Yes, Either a philosopher or a poet. They
both would fully comprehend the concept of beauty.

Im going to go read now. Either more from On Writing or Ill skim some of
my philosophy books. Maybe both.

Question: How do you build or write a novel?

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Answer: One word, sentence, paragraph, and chapter at a time. And you
keep building one upon the other.

I just read some more of On Writing, as well as some pages out of my

philosophy books by Kant and Sartre

Also, for the toolbox, grammar is important. There are active verbs and then
there are passive verbs, where the subject is doing something, rather than in
the case of the former where the subject is letting the something be done to
it. Using active verbs is always better than using passive verb with only a
few exceptions.
As far as writing novels goes, I dont really have anything to worry about or
be scared of. Ill get better at descriptions as time goes on, and as far as plot
is concerned, I only need a few main conflicting actions to start off with, and
after I get into the groove of constructing fictional prose, the novel will
probably write itself. Ive had the same apprehension about drawing, and
Ive created a couple works of art in the past, with many more to come
hopefully.

I didnt write or draw very much today. I did sleep after school and read
more of that book today. Ill probably go to bed soon also. Im tired of
having to answer to this journal. Ive done enough writing in this journal for
it to be able to last me for a long time. I wrote another 1 page composition (I
think its my 4th or 5th one in a row at school). This time it was about
attaining knowledge, and I dont think I really stated much that was new to
people already, but I enjoyed it. I love eating English muffins covered with
peanut butter. Those things are good. I have them for breakfast during nearly
every day of the week. Im glad Im finally getting closer to finishing my
C.S. Lewis book (The Lion.). It was all right, but there are many better and
more advanced books I could be reading in my spare time other than that
one (i.e. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Tis, The Grapes of
Wrath, Soul Mountain, High Fidelity, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
Maintenance, which all seem like well written adult books). The fantasy
book Im reading now is awfully old fashioned and simple, but thats
probably because its a childrens book. Im sure I would have liked it a lot

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more if it were one of the books being read aloud to me, by my parents, right
before bedtime when I was a child. That seems like the perfect book for just
such an occasion. I did do a lot of reading today, however. Thats pretty
much mostly what I did today, other than doing schoolwork. There are many
reasons and ways for me to get into a book now that I didnt have before.
Depth, suspense, description, innovation, vocabulary, characters, plot. To
me, good fiction books have all these things, or at least someor mostof
them. Reading On Writing and Awakening the Buddha Within has been a lot
more rewarding and fun than reading The Millionaire Mind or Spielberg, but
not just because reading the former two books is reading about two of my
favorite subjects. The books themselves are thoroughly entertaining and very
well written. The latter set of hardcover books was just so-so. They werent
horrible so to speak, but they werent necessarily prolific masterpieces
either.
I bought a photography magazine from Books-A-Million today, because I
saw in it what looked like some good ideas for portfolio pieces. I also got to
briefly look at some books by and about Edward Gorey. That man is
brilliant. Even more brilliant than Tim Burton and Jhonen Vasquezthis is
because Gorey practically invented the gothic-fantasy genre. He did invent it
in fact, but thats not to say that Vasquez or Burton are any kind of
dilettantes or hack. Theyre far from it, to say the least. While at Books-AMillion, I found out some good magazines that would be good choices to
buy through newsstand every once in a while or to subscribe to. They are
Creative Screenwriting magazine, Writers Digest magazine, and Movie
Maker magazine. All excellent resources. A lot of famous now-published
writers have read and probably still read Writers Digest. Its the magazine
for people in the know about writing professionally, from what I assume. I
looked through one or some of my philosophy books, either yesterday or the
day before, and tomorrow, I might look through my classic book I have that
contains the collected works of Edgar Allen Poe. Theres a ton of classic
books I own that I can pick up and read anytime, whenever I feel like it.
Poes collected works, Jane Eyre, George Orwells 1984, Ben Hur, Pride
and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, Dracula, The Origin of Species, The Story
of Philosophy by Will Durant. As many wise people know, the classics often
have more substance and importance in them than the contemporary
competitors.

P a g e | 694

Well, not going to talk about much. Its late. Im not really all that tired, but
I dont plan on writing much either.

Jeez. Its 2001, and Im 17 years old, going onto 18 in November. Its tough
to believe that after November, in three years from then, Ill be an adult, or
precisely the age of 21. How did my teenage years go by so fast? I dont
think Im ready to be an adult. Id rather stay 17 all my life, to be honest.

Its weird. Ive realized that Im a decent thinker, and now that Ive realized
that, it sort of feels like Id like to one day write a book. The best thing about
writing a book is that as long as I have a lot of good ideas and I write well,
writing a book shouldnt be too hard. Its Saturday, and I worked on my
website some today. That and I went to Judys house and celebrated her
grandchild, Evans birthday. I went over, said happy birthday, talked
some, ate food, then went back home to take a nap, but decided not to go to
sleep after I started toggling with my website some earlier. Of course I
worked at my day job some today, too. Im going to bed.

Had a wonderful day today, up until I had to go to work, and I dont think
Ive ever been so spite-filled and angry at work ever before, but I wont talk
about that. It makes me too mad and bitter. Instead Ill talk about the good
things that happened and that I did today. Got a lot of stuff done before
work; a whole boatload of stuff. First off, I read a chapter out of Awakening
The Buddha Within, I washed my face and put on my face medicine (pimple
medicine), exercised (did 40 sit-ups and 100 jumping jacks), rested and felt
like my heart was going to burst meditated for 10 or so minutes, read a
comic book (issue 1 of Kissing Chaos from Oni) which wasnt too bad of an
issue. Drew for about an hour or so, took a shower, got a uniform on, and
then was off to work. I did all the stuff before work in about three or two
hours. Not bad for a calm and brisk autumn day. Often the best time is when
Im meditating on my bed I can hear the leaves on trees rustling. Then I got
home from work in a very angry mood and have started writing in this
journal to relieve some stress, and I have school tomorrow.

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Realized that the Buddhist religion is a more organized and orthodox version
of asceticism. Also, hardcore Buddhist practice involves a monastic lifestyle,
which serves to keep one away from worldly distractions. These are a few of
the things Ive learned about Buddhism so far, among many others.

One thing I thought about doing not to long ago was an ontological weekly
column that I could write, but that would involve a lot of thinking and
editing. I think after I finish the books Im reading now, I might even go
straight into reading The Elements of Style by William Strunk and E.B.
White, which would have a lot to do with writing ability, thus striving to
improve it. Im starting to get tired, but Im drinking my Diet Pepsi can in
hopes of not being as tiredIm not as tired right now, which is good. I
want to get some writing done before I go to sleep. Im listening to Weezers
green album right now.

Maybe Ill create another piece of decent writing in school tomorrow, when
Im not working on my schoolwork instead. So far, I have about 20 pages in
my writing file at school, which I keep at school and havent taken home
yet.

Sleep is catching up with me. It would be nice to have more hours in a day.
That way I could get more work done, or at least try to.

October 2001

Not going to write much. Have a lot of reading and drawing to do this
evening instead. I have October, November, and December left to get my
portfolio done, so Im going to have to work at drawing a lot every day now
for the next three months. Shouldnt be too hard if I use diligence. Im afraid
thats going to mean a lot less writing.

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I am pretty good with emails. Ive responded to nearly everyone whos sent
me an email. Josue, Tony, Stephen Hill, Andy Scott, Miss Choi, Amanda,
Katie. Everyone.

Did more essays in school today. I wrote about the saying Birds of a feather
flock together, and about Letting go on two separate pages. Im not going
to write much more. Going to work at the drawing table, on my portfolio, for
a couple hours or so tonight and I may even start early.

Should probably buy some books by Edward Gorey, eventually. His work is
simply brilliant. I also want to buy that book Philosophical Remarks by
Ludwig Wittgenstein, which seems very insightful. The Words by Jean-Paul
Sartre seem good also. The works these various authors produce all take
strokes of genius. Theres no doubt about that.

Will probably do some more writing tonight, about how enlightenment and
genius are all in the eye of the beholder. These characteristic phenomena are
observable, but there are no scientific mechanisms or devices to measure
these types of things. There is also a good fiction writing exercise in the On
Writing book by Stephen King, which Ill definitely do eventually.

One thing Ive noticed is that in your typical bookstore, the Philosophy and
Physics sections are not very big, whereas the thriller and horror sections
stretch for rows and rows. This is because many people love to read, but a
lot fewer like to think. On second thought, most people like to think, but
they dont like to think really hard. Im one of those people who want to
read philosophy, ecology, spiritual, and science books for fun, but especially
philosophy, even though I doubt Ill ever bother majoring in philosophy at a
college one day. I may very well end up reading at least some of the works
of all the great western (and possibly eastern) philosophers and thinkers. Ive
already started reading the works of some of them, but I still have Charles
Darwin, Stephen Hawking, Wittgenstein, Sartre, Gandhi, Martin Luther
King Jr., Albert Einstein, Richard P. Feynman, Carl Sagan, and Isaac
Asimov to go, among many others. How do I conquer such an enormous

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intellectual task?! One book at a time, my friend. You do it one book at a

time, over a long period of time.

Went to a mandatory meeting at my workplace today. Boring, as usual.

However, my mother did let me drive all the way to Borders afterwards and
buy a book. I bought Philosophical Remarks, by Wittgenstein, which is the
book I was interested in buying. I also looked through the ecology section of
Borders and now am interested in buying some books on ecology as well as
physics and philosophy. Right now Im reading books that dont make you
think too much, but eventually Im sure Ill ease into a books that really
make you think phase.

Im getting much closer to finishing The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe,
and thank goodness for that. I cant wait to write the book report and move
on to other books like The Elements of Style by Will Strunk or Integral
Psychology by Wilber. I must remember to be merciless when it comes to
editing, omitting needless words, and trying to avoid fancy words unless
they seem appropriate. To be honest, Im not sure what book Im going to
read next. Im sure Ill enjoy it though.

Did some drawing earlier tonight, and Im proud to say that Im art and
writing have come a long way since back in the days of middle and
elementary school.

Getting late, so Im probably not going to do much more writing. Ive done
plenty tonight anyway, so Ill still remain pleased with my own work ethic,
regardless of whether or not I write one more word or none.

One thing Ive realized is that in a creative job, its quite easy to become
self-serving, which is not a good thing. I dont believe in a concrete self,
what with being interconnected with the many other selves and whatnot.
There isnt a myself. Theres only our self. The older I get, the less
concerned I am with things like looks or money. Ive realized that in the
large scale of things, these two factors to not play much importance.

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Compassion, universal love, kindness, and affection are all infinitely more
important than the factors that belong to the realm of the ephemeral or
temporal. Temporality. Aint it a bitch? Perhaps its important to search for
truth as well. As John Lennon once sang: All I want is the truth. Just gimme
some truth!

Would rather be a humble spiritual teacher than some sort of a genius. It

would be more rewarding. If I fully acknowledged that I was a genius, and
theres no proof that I am (although I dont deny the possibility), I fear my
ego would become enormously disproportioned with the actual true nature
of myself. Im still blinded by a lot of worldly ignorance, but Im working
on that.

Even though I know I should have damn well been drawing earlier today, I
read. A lot. I read a whole boatload of sections out of On Writing. I did
however finish The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe today. It was pretty
good, although the dialogue and plot seemed a bit too calculated to me. The
ideas were very creative, on the plus side.

Life is difficult

In On Writing, I was reading about theme, description, character

development, and symbolism, which are thing I will write about later,
talking about what Ive learned on these topics, but not necessarily stating
anything I didnt already read in a book.

Sometimes I cant figure out whether my family is normal or dysfunctional.

At times we seem perfectly normal, but at other times we show an awfully
big lack of affection for each other, which is a trait Id assume would belong
to dysfunctional families.

If I wrote a novel and it got published by a huge and enormous publisher like
Simon & Schuster, the experience would be wonderful and amazing all at

P a g e | 699

the same time. Id have to get myself an agent if I had any hopes of getting
published by a company as big as that. Theyre Stephen Kings publisher,
for Petes sake! Id have to imagine that it would be near impossible to get
published by a company like that, even with an agent. And even with an
agent, Im pretty sure it would transcend being near impossible (even with
an agent) to even hope to get a bidding war going from one of the major
publishers for a book I wrote. Despite these unlikely odds, Ill continue to
write, because one of my last motivators is anything which relates to
economics, unless it deals with direct survival. Im more concerned with
telling a good story, writing well, and manifesting insight. Fuck money.

The Chinese government has some big problems with creative expression,
and freedom in general. A lot of actual Chinese literature has been banned
and persecuted in China. Its sad, but true. Now that Ive finished The Lion...
and am going to finish On Writing not too, too far off from now, Im not
sure what new book(s) Im going to read afterwards. Probably either A
Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Tis, or Soul Mountain. All of
these look like excellent reads. Maybe what Ill read will be a philosophy
book or graphic novel/trade paperback instead.

My left eye feels blurry now. I wonder why that is (Im not an optometrist,
so sue me), that my eyes tend to go a tad bit blurry when I read for a couple
hours.

A note: When people see shirts with vivid, bright, funky and/or colorful
designs, theyll usually say the shirt is loud. I presume loud is a slang term
for any flashy pattern or design that grabs your attention. This may not be
in The Slang Dictionary, and if its not, I guess I just categorized my own
personal slang word, although I did not come anywhere close to inventing it.

Today I drew some, so I havent broken the cycle of routine, and worked
some more on this new cool looking and meticulously rendered drawing
thats based on a photograph of Julia Roberts from an issue of American
Photo magazine that I currently own. The first attempt face I drew is
deformed, yet still resembles that of an African American/Native

P a g e | 700

American/miscellaneous woman but certainly doesnt look like Julia

Robertss face though. The body on the other hand nearly mimics its real life
counterpart. Thats what I was aiming to do. I think that effect is partially
due to the extra time I spent on rendering it through shading. The bottom
line is that its good and is certainly qualified to ascend towards graduating
into a portfolio piece, if I rework the face and the hair on her head. Once I
finish On Writing, Ive decided to replace it with A Heartbreaking Work of
Staggering Genius as well as The Elements of Style, and after I finish the
larger book, Ill switch from reading A Heartbreaking Workto reading
High Fidelity, or Integral Psychology.

Pretty soon, it will be my cue to step through the door of consciousness, and
enter the world of sleepland. That feeling of tiredness has begun to
assimilate throughout my body, and with good reason. I worked hard today,
and I dont know how to explain this but I usually dont remember what it
was like when I was sleeping, but I like the feeling of sleep, or at least going
to sleep and waking up. I dont know why these feelings seem so appealing.
I guess its just one of those little obscure idiosyncrasies of life, which
transfer into things I so love to write about in words. Also bought some
comics today. Lots of manga, one issue of Hopeless Savages (the first one),
and one miscellaneous Marvel sub-publisher title, but there was something
about the gray tones that I foundinteresting.

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MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 44

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October 2001

I finished reading On Writing today in class, so now before I move onto my

next book(s), I think Ill review some of the things Ive learned from it.

Book buyers, by the large are not attracted to the literary merits of a novel,
as Stephen King has said. They want a good story to take with them on an
airplane, to the beach, or to bed at night, something that will first fascinate
them, then pull them in and keep them turning pages. This happens most
likely when readers recognize the people in the book, their behaviors, their
surroundings, and their talk. When the reader hears strong echoes of his or
her own life and beliefs, he or she is apt to become more invested in the
story. If you start out as a writer by imitating the writers you admire, thats
perfectly honorable, just dont do it on purpose, unless youre trying to
emulate their strong points. Theres a difference between lecturing about
what you know and using it to enrich the story. Writing what you know
should be used to enhance the story, but not for just lecturing. Writing a
novel or short story consists of three main parts, according to King:
Narration, which moves the story from point A to point B, and then to point
Z; Description, which creates a sensoryappealing to all five senses
reality for the reader; and Dialogue, which brings the characters to life
through their speech. Always go by story and how the characters lead it, and
not by plot, because an over-plotted story is apt to feel artificial, calculated,
and labored, whereas a novel driven by the situation and characters will
often feel natural and unpredictable. If I dont know exactly where the story
is going to go at first or until it happens, thats a good thing usually, because
it keeps me, the reader/writer guessing. When doing description, dont try to
overload the reader with details. Stephen King recommends describing the
first and foremost details that come to mind, like if your in a club, you could
describe things such as the ambiance, the partially indecipherable caricatures
drawn on the walls, the Yankees sticker on the cash register, the cars, Bob
Dylans Things Have Changed playing on the loud speaker, the narrow

P a g e | 703

hallway, the dark crowded room, but the best choice is to narrow it down
into some distinct details that simply help plant a picture of the surrounding
for the characters in the readers head. Its often best to show what type of
characters you have (what they do for a living, what their personalities are,
their mindset) by revealing some of it through dialogue. If a character is
uneducated, make him speak in an uneducated way, with bad grammar,
simple words, etc.

Often times if the story and characters are good enough, real enough, and
carry themselves, theme and symbolism will often take care of themselves.
You dont have to start out with a theme. Often you can start out with
nothing more than some characters and a situation, and thus end up with a
1,000-page novel. At first its not always necessary to know what you write.
You can start out writing about certain things and only know half the things,
write a whole first draft of a novel which includes elements you havent yet
done research on an make up un-researched parts in order to tell the story.
You write with the door closedfor yourselffirst, and then after you
revise and do research on the parts you dont know afterwardsfor the
second draft, then youre writing with the door open. For example, if you
writing a novel that involves cops and police procedure, you can write the
original drafts making up the parts that include police procedure, and after
you finish telling the whole story, then you go back and do research, thus
making the technical parts accurate and making yourself look like an expert
on the topics youre writing about. Also: Final Draft = First Draft 10%.
This means edit a lot (extra story elements, unneeded story elements or
details, etc, etc. A copy of that book, The Writers Market, is an invaluable
tool for aspiring writers who are aiming to get published. It has big lists of
various literary agents and publishers for various genres and whatnot.

These are the things Ive learned form that book, and now that Ive stated
them and marked them, its time to move on to reading A Heartbreaking
Work of Staggering Genius, Awakening The Buddha Within, and The
Elements of Style at the same time, or to be more eloquent, simultaneously.
I just got the newest issue of Rolling Stone, a special issue, dedicated
tastefully to the September 11th World Trade Center tragedy. Nearly all of
the articles written about it look literate and well written, which is good and
makes me want to read the whole issue, despite the hundreds of thousands of
words contained inside, or maybe Ill just read a couple. They had opinions

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from Adam Yauch, the Buddhist Beastie, Yoko Ono: wife of a fallen musical
messiah, Ken Kesey, the one who penned One Flew Over the Cookoos Nest,
and a Pulitzer prize winning author, among many, many others. Well done,
Rolling Stone.
I think Ill go check my email, and then go read some books, and after that
draw for a while perhaps.

Just read some of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Geniusthe

beginning of itand then went to my life drawing class, which I just got
home from.

A person probably doesnt remember the very first time they were angry.
However, Im pretty sure they remember the first time they were really
angry, or really happy, or really sad. You get the basic idea.

Im not sure what to write about right now. I think I might go read instead,
but Im beginning to get tired. Will probably go watch TV if I get too tired,
but I doubt Ill go right to bed if Im too tired to type.

Kind of would like to buy that new CD made by that band called
Oysterhead, which has Less Claypool from Primus and Trey Anastasio from
Phish on it.

Have realized that television, by nature, is very ephemeral. Also have to

work on the web design class. I have about an hour left until I have to go to
work.

Was reading some of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, and I

like it so far. In the past two days Ive been confused, because I seem to not
be sure on what to write about; Maybe my life or ideas. Im trying, but not
many ideas are coming to me, or when they do, Im not near the computer
and forget what they are. Its pretty nice being 17 years old, and 18 in less

P a g e | 705

than a month. Besides, my portfolio beckons. I feel positively blocked right

now. Perhaps I should go meditate since I havent done it in a few days. My
room is a mess, so I should pick that up. I really think I need to quit my job
soon also. I hate it with a passion. Working on my portfolio and having more
time to draw and writeamong other thingsmeans more to me than
receiving a weekly paycheck for a miniscule amount of money (I might add
for only $65, $70 a week or so), for putting up with customers, managers
and coworkers bullshit, because my personal interests mean more to me
than my temporary day job ever could. At one point yesterday when I was
working, my manager, Eric the husky black man, walked up to me and told
me I should be asking customers if they wanted help out.
Sorry, I said
I didnt see you asking them if they wanted help out with that, he replied
snottily.
I havent seen the managers bother to give me a raise in an awfully long
time, is what I wanted to reply to him, because it only seemed fair to me.
The method he proposed to me seems like quite the mutiny. Well pay you
barely any shit at all, even though you hate this job and youre one of the
courtesy clerks who has stayed here longer than 80% of all the other
courtesy clerks, but we want to save money, of course, so that we can
reserve our raises for our managers and more deserving employees.
Bullshit! This, my job, suffices as one big employee rip-off. Its so
competitive. This obnoxious megalomaniac cashier who looks and talks like
a duck. Wanda her name is, bosses me around, thinks shes my fucking boss,
and would squeal on me in half a second if she saw me doing something that
she thought was barely even the least bit wrong, probably because she
doesnt like me and would enjoy seeing me get fired. Thats perfectly fine
with me because although I know aversion is against the Buddhist religion, I
hate her. Ill say it right now. Wanda has a long pointy nose, squinty eyes,
and pale white skin. Why does everybody hate me?

There are some interesting academic field titles, such as neuroscience,

nanotechnology, geophysics, quantum physics, molecular biology, and
technocracy.

You know, Im beginning to think that if all these other authors can write
national bestsellers (Not necessarily of the international and/or New York
Times caliber), then maybe I can, too. I cant get overconfident, though. If I

P a g e | 706

can write a best-selling novel, Id definitely have enough money and be

economically productive enough to take a long break (hiatus), and pursue
some of my other loves and interests, such as film and comic books, but this
would be after I attempt to work as an animator.

Stephen King is right. There are a lot of horrendous writers out there, and
not always authors. There are a lot of bad writers writing novels, working for
magazines and newspapers, writing screenplays, and scripting commercials
or advertisements, writing for television shows, writing comic books.
Theyre writing often contains many literary clichs and overused
expressions, a constant passive voice, and too many adjectives, which is
what makes it weak. There have been many-a-times when Ive read other
peoples writing and have thought to myself I know I can do better than
that. It happened just today at work during my break, when I was reading a
local article in the newspaper, written by a local writer. Im nearly certain I
can write something a lot better than that guy, and indeed I probably can. Its
not really all that uncommon of a thing, feeling like you know the craft
better than someone else. The thing is, at least they actually have finished,
published manuscripts that they worked on. I thus far cannot make such a
claim. I may very well be able to make such a claim in the future however.

As I write this, it is precisely noon, or the beginning of the afternoon, which

is indeed pretty cool. I might read some today, but Id definitely like to read
and draw.

Andrew and I went to Dennys yesterday afternoon, before I went to work. I

had mozzarella sticks, a root beer, and the classic Double Decker Burger,
fries. My brother had some breakfast foodssausage, root beer, bacon,
waffles, and eggs. This was a lot of calories that neither of us needed, but
Im willing to sacrifice a couple hundred lost calories in the name of
bonding with my brother and spending time with him.

If I want to become a writer, I think it will help if I learn to describe the

various places Ive been to down to all their various details. Even my house

P a g e | 707

and all the rooms in it with all of its objects, such as our living room, with its
sliding glass door, couches, good china stand, fans hanging from the ceiling,
glass lamps, reading couch chair with reading lamp, speakers, white wall,
peach-colored carpet, decorative plants, knickknacks, framed portraits of my
brother and I taken from out younger years (perhaps in 94), Mitsubishi TV
with VHS tapes resting on top of it, Dish Network satellite cable system, and
Panasonic VCR.

Joey, if your not watching TV, turn it off, my mother called from her
bedroom just about a half a minute ago.
What? I called back.
If youre not watching TV. Turn it off.
Okay, I said, then walked quickly, across the tiles of the space near the
second front door, down towards the living room across the peach carpet,
grabbed the remote and pressed the Power button. The television made an
electronic clicking sound, then a humming, and then the once active screen
went pitch black and silent. I then returned to the computer room, and
resumed writing, which leads me to where I am now.

Judy just knocked on the door and entered the house after my mother
welcomed her in. Theyre having a conversation in our kitchen now. I
wonder what theyre talking about.

Before this, there was silence. You see. Theres never a dull moment in this
house.

Earlier this morning, I finish writing some of the HTML for a web section
Andy Scott wanted me to make, called Andys Weekly Kamikaze Report.
I wrote up the HTML, with orange letters and a black background. I think it
looks nice.

My mother and I finally got around to spraying some of the Fixative spray
on one of my portfolio pieces (the one with the portrait of the black man and
white woman). I tested it and now it wont smear, which is convenient.

P a g e | 708

Got back from work. There are some big, mainstream New York publishing
companies that Im thinking about approaching if and when I get a literary
agent, and I probably will, one day in the distant future. For literature, they
are Simon & Schuster, Random House, and Doubleday.

I read some of The Elements of Style and Awakening the Buddha Within
before work today, both of them very satisfying books. Elements of Style
adheres to and integrates my intrinsic grammatical totality. Buddha Within
benefits my innate natural being or self, complimenting it and ascending it
towards what I hope will one day lead to liberation, or at least a teensy bit of
wisdom, if not in this lifetime, then perhaps the next one. I try to practice the
Buddha Dharma with great joy, sincerity, and happiness, even though I
havent meditated in a while. They say there are certain times when one can
feel a hint of cosmic energy or something like that. When sneezing, during
orgasm, when falling asleep, and when you diethey say if you can master
being mindful during the other three stages, then you shall be prepared for
the process of deathso after I found out about this theory, I practiced
during a time of self-pleasurement, and when I climaxed, with great effort I
was able to stay mindful, and I think it worked on a certain level. So I guess
you could say that I made love to the world. That was one time I actually
tried to use sex for spiritual progress. That definitely felt like a spiritual
epiphany.

Went to school today, and it went well up until the end, when I began to fall
asleep in class. After I got home, I read a chapter out of The Elements of
Style. I think Im now about halfway finished with that 100-page book, and I
may finish it tonight, as well as read some other books, which Im currently
on. I wrote a piece of writing in class today, also. The thing is I have to draw
today, before it ends up being too late in the evening. Im going to write in
this journal a little bit first though.

One thing Ive always loved to do is write lists, make topics for the lists
(such as Names), then write down all the possibilities I can think of. Yeah,
thats the ticket.

P a g e | 709

I just spent a lot of time reading from some of my books. I just finished
reading a chapter out of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. 32
pages to be exact, and its a very good book. Cant wait to finish it, but I
mean this in the most appreciative and pleasurable way. The chapter I read
talked about Toph and Dave living in their current home while Dave tried to
keep the atmosphere light by joking around with Toph. The way it was
described was hilarious! And then there was the part about Open House at
Tophs private elementary school. Certain parts of AHWOSG are very
moving and poignant, like how you could see Daves sister, Beth was truly
depressed about the whole situation of both their parents dying of Cancer,
doing such things as opening old photo albums, asking Toph how he felt,
crying, all while Dave being the good parent/brother he istrying to
shelter Toph from the harsh reality of death by keeping the atmosphere
creative and light. It truly is an amazing book, and deserves to be the
national bestseller it is. It truly is a Generation X masterpiece, even though
that sounds like quite the paradox. Dave Eggers writes with true wit,
creativity, narration, linguistics, rage, and honesty that make for a very
entertaining yet irresistible combination. I can relate to his constant lateness
and disorderliness. Its not hard to see why this little memoir of his is so
popular. Im saying the book is this good, and Im barely past page 100! I
think after I finish reading one of my current books, Ill probably read Nick
Hornbys High Fidelity next. I would like to get back to reading more
fiction.

Despite reading for hours and hours, Im pretty certain that Im going to
draw this evening. I dont really have a choice. This portfolio deadline is not
giving me a choice.

I cant believe its only 6:28 p.m. and Im getting tired already. I truly am a
lazy bastard.

I worked on my new possible portfolio piece a little bit. That went well.
Plus, I finally wrote the writing piece about the nature of genius and
enlightenment (About damn time!)

P a g e | 710

I think around 9 tonight or earlier, Im going to read some more of The

Elements of Style so that I can finish the second to last chapter tonight, and if
I execute this mental maneuver, Ill most likely have the book finished by
tomorrow, which will be a few days after I started it. I know this sounds selfserving, but when I was reading my writing piece at home today, I felt as if I
were about to cry because of how moving some of it is. This is a good thing.
I love being moved by my own work. I like when a story is able to make me
cry as well as laugh, among other things, and thats what good storytelling is
all about, sometimes moving you, sometimes making you think. Sometimes
both. Thats the cool thing about it. It mimics life, because life can make you
laugh a cry, among other thing. I never thought Id be the one to have the
ability to produce work like this, but I guess apparently I do. Despite all this
work I produceor at least try to, I still manage to strive to remain
genuinely humble and attain genuine egolessness.

Not sure what else to write about. Maybe Ill think of something, maybe not.
Its times like this when clustering would be of good use to me, even though
I feel too tired to make any sort of a decent or half-way coherent cluster that
doesnt disintegrate into superfluous nonsense.

Perhaps I cant have something to say all of the time, even if I want to. But
occasional I am able to create works of decency. I wont say masterpieces,
because the creator calling his own creation a masterpiece seems like that of
an egocentric act to me, and I do not want that. The ego is often our worst
enemy.

Never delight in the strife or fall of another man, or you yourself have lost
the joy that comes with life and existence.

I think Ill type a few sentences and then go sleep on the couch a little before
school. Sorry. Probably not going to say anything deep right now. Might
type some more after I take a shower before I go to school.

P a g e | 711

Got home from school. During class, I finished The Elements of Style and
have started reading High Fidelity, which is pretty good so far and seems
like somewhat of a relationship book. I wrote my newest essaythese
things seem to be coming out of daily recentlyin class today, and it turned
out good. Not as pretentious as some of my earlier essays. I also have a
much better understanding of what having a style in writing means; its more
about word placement, rhythm, opinion, description, topic usage, and
vocabulary. Its not quite as much about syntactical distinction (whatever
that means). Also, when I went to pick up my check at Winn-Dixie today, I
also bought another paperback: Stephen Kings Hearts in Atlantis. It said on
the back to King has now written over fifty books, all of them worldwide
bestsellers. I find that kind of ability very impressive, and as a writer, maybe
Im supposed to.

Now that Ive read The Elements of Style, I feel like I have a much better
understanding of good grammatical composition or writing, and that Im
better equipped to take on the task of writing professionally. I already feel
like I can write professionally. But after reading that book in a few days,
studying it, reading passages over again, and understanding a lot of it on the
first go, I feel that way even more so. Writing well takes a keen ear. A lot of
it is about spotting what sounds good and what does not. Sure, having a big
vocabulary helps, but good syntax and a strong vocabulary are two entirely
different things. Onethe formerinvolves the magical juxtaposition of
word placement and anotherthe latterinvolves linguistic comprehension
as well as a writers perception of it. Thus these two various things are to be
approached in two separate manners. Im also working on two of the rules,
Avoid fancy words and Omit needless words, because I know Ive
broken both these rules in the past a countless numbers of times. One thing
Ive learned is that it doesnt matter if you are a genius, because if you
arent one, it will do you good to learn about how to write well. And even if
you are, learning how to write better will benefit you as well anyway, no
matter whether you are or not.

Im just going to say a few more things, and then Im going to read more,
which will probably lead into drawing, meditating, and whatnot. Theres one
thing Im now pretty sure I could be, but would probably not want to be.
That is a journalist. Just reporting the facts seems boring and prosaic to me.

P a g e | 712

Why would I want to waste my time and effort writing blandly about a story
Iand many otherscould learn about through the television news just as
easily, if not more. Why would I do this when I can make up my own
entertainingprobably more sostories that I can embellish to my hearts
content with my own overactive imagination? I guess thats one of the
problems that go with being creative. You alwaysor at least once in a
whilewant to go about doing things your own way with a relatively low
amount of compromise. I can already tell that The Elements of Style has
benefited my knowledge and writing. This is because the taste Im getting,
just by skimming these various paragraphs Ive written, is a pungent one.
Its like consuming the literary equivalent of a cheeseburger or something. I
say this, even though I probably unconsciously ripped that comparison
metaphor off from Stephen King.

Got to read some more of High Fidelity and a chapter out of A

Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, which thoroughly entertained me
during the time I read them, and kept me turning pages. I have to get back to
work though.

Havent written a poem in a while. Probably because I enjoy journal writing,

script writing, and fiction writing more. Email writing is okay, but even
though I can write semi-decent emails, I dont consider that real writing. Its
8:31 p.m. now. I usually have something to say in my journal around this
time. Now does not seem to suffice for such a case, because all I can think to
write about is how shortly from now Im going to hit the drawing table.

During school today, I looked up the definition of philosophy in the

Encyclopedia, and came across a passage on philosophy that caught my eye.
I wrote it down. It was about the five or six various branches of philosophy,
which perked my interest. Off the top of my head, I think they include
ethics, reason, epistemology, metaphysics, and aesthetics, but I could be
wrong on the reason part. When I become a professional, perhaps in
writing and art, I hope I that I wont inspire a lot of people. Then if people
really admired my work, that would probably mean Id have a lot of people
emulating my style, talking about the same topics, using the same or similar
words, pacing the rhythm of their writing the same way, emulating the

P a g e | 713

overall shape and look of my characters, trying to have a visual sense like
mine. That would not be pretty. It would be a fucking mess. Im not proud
enough of my worknot that proudthat Id be made happier if a bunch of
creative people tried to rip my style off, especially if they only emulated the
less tasteful aspects of my work, which is usually what happens to famous
people who create the type of work I love. People, when they see the work
of someone whos more successful, out in the open, they tend to think they
can do just as good as that shmuck or better than him, when they usually
cant do half as good or dont put as much heart, individuality, or effort into
their work, which is what makes the emulation such a freaking mess.

So far, Ive written a lot, give or take some words through editing. Not too
bad, but Ive written more before. I wrote roughly about 2 pages today, but
Ive written 5 or 6 pages in a single day a while ago in the past.

What to write aboutMaybe I should write about my life. Maybe I should

write about my work. Maybe I should write about something that adheres to
Buddhist principles. Maybe I should write about something philosophical.
Maybe I should write something funny.

My mother has had trouble sleeping lately, the poor thing. Shes a very light
sleeper, so just today, my dad bought her a device that makes various
noisessuch as birds chirping, rain, a cricket or a lake, etc.That will
supposedly maybe help my mom get to sleep easier. I feel extra sorry for my
mother lately, because at times she seems really tired and depressed, Im
assuming partially due to the fact that shes not getting enough sleep, and
partly due to the loud and harsh squabbles dad and her have had with
Andrew. I think old age is one of the worst times of ones life to be getting
insomnia.

9:00 p.m. Getting late. Going to stop writing very soon. Done enough
writing for today. A lot about my college plans has changed, but Ill write
about that later. That would make a decent autobiographical piece all on its
own: My portfolio task. That would certainly be my story to tell.

P a g e | 714

When I got out from school late for a change, so I could catch up on a lot of
my work, Tina (my mothers coworker) and my mother, Peggy, drove me
over to their workplace.
***
Father is a pharmacist. Mother works for an insurance company, Life
Insurance, where she writes out proposal sheets and does other things that
are too complex for me to rememberlet alone write about and describe
through prose. She works there with four other people in a small office.
Tina, John, Joe, and Herm (who only works there part time). In the front of
the office theres Peggys desk right there. On top of the desk, on the far
right, there is a phone, and a calculator to the left of it. In the center of the
desk is the computer itself, and next to it are coffee cups and a large printer.
Even farther to the left is a semi-old fashioned typewriter used for God
knows what. On the opposing wall of the front room is a lovely photo of
Boston itself, which contains Bostons tall powerful-looking city buildings
and purple dusk sky lurking behind them, with the word Boston printed
neatly in bold letters underneath. In the copy room, which is to the front,
right after you enter the office, and turn right, was a room that contained a
whole wall filled with various files and on the other side closest to the front
room, the giant copier machine sits adjacent to the wall covered with files.
As you walked down the short hall near the entrance, there were about three
or four other office rooms where the employees each have their own private
work space until you got to the meeting room, which I remember somewhat.
In the back of the room was a very wide window that easily went the length
of the room itself. If you looked out the window, which was somewhat
obscured by the blinds, you had a good view of the outside of the building.
Through it, you could see to the end of the parking lot, and even farther than
the parking lot, you could see the State Road, and after that you were able to
see where the trees met the pure blue sky, which of course went up and
dissipated into the air without end. In the meeting room, in the back right
corner, there sat a four-foot-tall black metal filing cabinet, with a coffee
maker resting atop it. Across from the file cabinet and its elevated
coffeemaker was the water cooler, which was full, but had no paper cups
aroundwhich really sucked for me, because I was thirsty at the time
Technical records typed up and printed on paper decorated the walls and
door to the meeting room. It was almost just like one of my dads old offices
where he used to work at one point.

P a g e | 715

***
We then left the Boston building. My mother drove me down State Road
436 to the comic book store, Absolute Comics, where Chris, Toms brother,
was working. I got my $20 bill from Mom, got out of the car and proceeded
to walk though the comics shop door. Chris and some new guy were
working there, although he looked like a young teenage customer. I looked
at Chris, than I walked up to him.
Youre Toms brother, arent you? I asked.
Yes. Yes I am, although I primarily wish I werent, he said.
Yeah, well. Some things cant be helped, I guess. Most people dont have
much of a choice over their family.
He chuckled and smiled.
Yep. Thats definitely true, He stated in agreement.
I then began to tell him the reason I was there in the store, which was to pick
up whatever was in my boxand of course the spontaneous buyingsomething-random-that-looks-cool-off-the-shelf move, and he told the
new kid working there to look in my subscription box, under the name Joey
Alberts. Before he did that, the new guy approached me quickly. He had
medium colored brown unruly hair, a pale complexion, a blue tie-dyed
collared shirt that had no design, and dark khaki pants.
Hows it going, man? My names Matt He said.
His voice was very deep. He was obviously older than I initially assumed he
was.
Oh. Hey there. I replied. Nice to meet you.
I purchased four comic books Blue Monday, El-Hazard, Liberty Meadows
(back issue) and Powersafter that. I asked a couple questions about the
recent merging of the selection between their two stores (their other store
had closed), than walked out of the store. Afterwards, my mother drove me
to the bank to deposit some of the large some of money I had left (about
$125 or so), and then we went home, and here I sit now, writing in this
journal.

After I write a little bit more, I think Ill read a chapter or two out of High
Fidelity and a little bit of Awakening the Buddha Within, then get some
exercise. After that Ill draw probably.

P a g e | 716

Well, drew a teensy bit. Plus I read two chapters out of High Fidelity. Im
already nearly halfway through Awakening The Buddha
I have a whole boatload of hand-written word lists that I want to transfer to a
word list writing file.

There are many branches of philosophy. I think Ill describe some of them.
Theres ethics, which deciphers between what is right and wrong. What is
good and what is evil. Theres aesthetics, which can be defined in the
analytical sense of an enquiry into beauty, seeking to understand what makes
beauty and what is beautiful. Theres epistemology, which determines the
nature, basis, and extent of knowledge. Inquiring into ways of knowing, the
nature of truth, and the relationship between knowledge and belief. What is
truth, anyway? There is also metaphysics, formerly known as the study into
the fundamental nature of reality and existence of things. This is divided into
two correlated branches, for which epistemology is a constituent for. They
are known as ontologythe study of being, and cosmologythe analytical
yet someone emotive study of the organization, the history, and the future of
the cosmos. And then there is the final, or at least semi-final, pillar of
philosophical enquiry and reasoning. That pillar is logic, which is the study
of the principles and methods of reasoning, (i.e. the ability to distinguish
between what is right and what is wrong. Before I went to bed, I read some
of the ever controversialeven a century after its initial releaseOrigin of
Species by Charles Darwin, and Philosophical Remarks by Ludwig
Wittgenstein. Why do I seem to be the only person in a five-mile radius that
actually enjoys studying philosophical topics recreationally? Perhaps I could
be wrong, but probably not.

I ought to get back to meditating. I dont think Im going to write right after
I get home from school. I think Ill reserve that early afternoon time for
drawing and reading. Im going to have to take a shower fairly soon, which
isnt good, because that means Ill have to leave the house shortly after in
order to arrive at school.

P a g e | 717

Yesterday was my last life drawing class with Rima Jabbur at Crealde, and
we did a critique at the end of the class. When they critiqued my drawings
that I had with me, Rima suggested that I concentrate more on the overall
tonal composition, as well as placing the character or person in a threedimensional space.

I got home from work. I think I hate work. I hate my job. I love writing in
this journal, going to school and being at home. Ive fallen behind on my
web design class. Im going to need to work overtime on it tomorrow. So
before I go to work tomorrow, Im probably going to work on web design
big time.

In the future, I hope to write many more catharsis, ontological thesis, and
refutations, among many other things of totally different variations, like any
thinker should. There could be a good chance my ideas will outlive my own
body, especially if I can get published.

I would like to come up with something new to think about, which would
thus lead to writing about such things. Right now though, my mind is a
blank.

I have just printed out a list of important philosophers from a website, and
Im going to write them down here. They are Anselm of Canterbury,
Augustine, Simone de Beauvoir, Rene Descartes, Epicurus, Thomas Hobbes,
Immanuel Kant, John Locke, Karl Marx, Friedrich Nietzsche, W.V.O.
Quine, Gilbert Ryle, Baruch Spinoza, Thomas Aquinas, J.L. Austin, Gustav
Bergmann, John Dewey, Georg W.F. Hegel, David Hume, Soren
Kierkegaard, Niccolo Machiavelli, John Stuart Mill, Charles Sanders Peirce,
Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Jean-Paul Sartre, Ludwig Wittgenstein, Aristotle,
Pierre Bayle, George Berkeley, Epictetus, Martin Heidegger, William James,
Gottfried W. Leibniz, G.E. Moore, Plato, Bertrand Russell, Socrates, Mary
Wollstonecraft, Peter Singer, Robert M. Pirsig, and Ken Wilber.

P a g e | 718

But heres the thing. How many philosophy books do you have to write
before you call yourself a philosopher? The true answer is none. All you
have to do is think like a real philosopher in order to be a philosopher. I am a
philosopher of sorts, but I certainly have not written any books on
philosophy. Not even one. Gao Xinjian is a philosopher, but hes written
precisely no philosophy books. He is one because hes written a novel that
contains some very concrete philosophical concepts, or at least I presume it
does. Same goes for Robert M. Pirsig, who did Zen and the Art of
Motorcycle Maintenance.

I have to take that web design exam today soon. As a matter of fact, I think
Ill do that now.

Woohoo! I just got a lot of web design work done for my class. Now all I
have left for this week is one assignmentthe fifth oneand my exam,
which shouldnt be too hard to do. Now all I have to do is get to work on and
finishing my book report thats due in three or four da

I should meditate today. I think that would do me good, make me more

mindful. It would be nice if I live in a place that was around beautiful exotic
scenery, because then I could just go for a walk and get visual inspiration
from temporal beauty as well as perception (or empirical knowledge). I
might also take a nap today. Conscientious sleep seems tempting to me. I
love exploring the various realms of beauty, reason, knowledge, being,
perception, and consciousness. My inquiring energy surely seems to be
lacking lately, but my emotive energy remains, which is obvious in the first
observation in this journal, about the UCF car ride. That was not pleasant.
After I finish High Fidelity and Awakening the Buddha.., I think I might start
reading either my book on Kant, or Soul Mountain. Perhaps Integral
Psychology or Tis instead.

Our cousins, Mike and Beth are over, and its Beths birthday.

P a g e | 719

Im going to go read or draw soon. I slept earlier today for about 40 minutes
or an hour, while Mike and Beth were here, which was good. I then arose
from my bed to wake up, and went out onto the back porch where Mike and
mom were sitting at the table out there, cool breeze permeating the air. The
brisk yet subtle wind gusts felt empowering as they tickled my skin. After
that, I proceeded to my parents bedroom, where the television set was on. I
browsed through all the channels, and I found this great program on the
Discovery Channelor at least I think it was the Discovery Channeland
there was a program on the cosmos, which used really cool looking CGI. It
told about ways the earth could be destroyed by the universe, such as ice
meteorites and black holes. It was called Hyperspace. It was brilliant. The
things it talked about were scary as hell, though. Thinking about the end can
be scary.
***
As I write this, I realize Jesus Christ was a very wise man. A sage even. But
I believe he was not a personification of God. He was very wise and a
powerful leader who started a revolution, much like the Buddha, but I
believe the Buddhas story is true. I also believe Jesus Christ was a mortal
man, who pretended to be a personification of Gods being. I dont blame
the Jews for crucifying him, but I dont agree with nailing a human being to
a cross. I believe that is wrong and that there should have been some sort of
peaceful agreement that could have been reached. Jesus Christ was a Jew. A
Jew that started Christianity. I do take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and
the Sangha if one trains oneself diligently enough, but I also believe there
are some important moral axioms that show themselves in the Bible. Jesus
taught some valuable lessons. He taught that the kingdom of bliss lies within
as well as the value of humility, but he is certainly not my savior. Jesus will
not save you. You do that yourself. The kingdom of heaven lies within. That
is the nature of the Dharma and Buddha nature. That is the way of the Tao.
That is the way to transcendence. Transcendence is reached through diligent
asceticism, and through lack of attachment to temporality, aversion,
pleasure, money, and lying. Its best to always be honest, noble and speak
kindly at all times, no matter what your religion is. I believe in the true
power of ethical nonsectarian living. Im still trying to figure out what the
way is, but I have faith that there is a way, even if it may lie in many
different methods of attainment. Perhaps the way is to embrace life in the
most altruistic and sincere nature possible, without the supernatural,
metaphysical, or mystical elements. Perhaps the way lies in neither the

P a g e | 720

100

esoteric nor the dogmatic. Perhaps it lies in realizing the higher nature of
ones self. This is my opinion.
***
I think the potential sincerity with which this message can practiced and
spoken shows the true value and worth of it, not some kind of award. If the
above message one day reaches a person and inspires him or her to change
their life, then thats vindication enough. Receiving poignant letter from
someone would be nice though.

There are many different types of theism. Theres monotheism, polytheism,

and pantheism. I think Ill go read now.

I read some more of Awakening the Buddha Within, and then had some cake
with Mom, Dad, Beth, and Mike for Beths birthday. Mike and Beth left the
house about 20 or so minutes ago, so its just our family once again.

Its Saturday today, and I faked being sick for work, so I didnt go to work
today, and Im probably not going to go tomorrow either. Im allowed to
take a few days off here and there.

I like talking about things such as being, transcendence, authentic being,

transpersonal observations, ontology, perception, consciousness, asceticism,
beauty (aesthetics), the Tao, tolerance, life & death, and compassion. Thats
the tip of the iceberg though, even if I have a lot more to learn about most of
the subjects Ive already mentioned. Im not sure if Ill make a good novelist
of author in general, but I certainly feel that I make a good journal writer and
writer in general. In this journal, I rarely talk about things like sex and
money nowadays, because as the Dalai Lama himself has basically said
those things are silly and pointless. Things unworthy of our efforts, and
indeed they are.

P a g e | 721

My dad just had a conversation with me, he said, You spend much too
much time doing this as he pointed with his pinky to my journal file on the
computer screen. I dont necessarily think thats true. I honestly feel this
journal of mine is good for me, because I get to express my thoughts and
feelings, and boy do I have a lot of them. For the sake of my father, Ill try to
cut this down a lot tomorrow because I did plenty enough of it today. Ive
taken a long enough break. It will be time to get back to work on my
portfolio soon enough. I feel like a kind of mad scientist who is concocting a
complex theory or formula and writing a physics book to coincide with it, or
like a painter of the Renaissance whos toiling away in his studio without
any distractions. I feel like both of these people, working ceaselessly,
perfecting and tweaking my integral vision of truth until its fully finished
and hes ready to unveil it on the entire world. That is how I feel. You could
call me a smart if you want to, but the entity of intelligence itself is not too
uncommon a trait in these contemporary times. I have full confidence that
someone just as intelligent, whos just as capable of being brilliant as I am
who knows more than me and is in fact probably more brilliantcould
replace me like that, with the snap of my fingers.

I dont however believe that the stopping of breathing oxygen would be the
true death of me. My true death would lie in the embrace of egocentric
principles and pretension, which is a trait Ive seen in far too many people,
and the place that sticks out in my mind is my day job workplace.

I cant remember my past lives. That makes me sad. Perhaps meditation

would help me with that problem. I guess I have to consider my situation.

P a g e | 722

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 45

P a g e | 723

October 2001

Called in sick for work again. That certainly pissed my parents off, which is
not something I intended it to do.

In art, its just as important to create representations of ugliness and chaos as

it is to create representations of beauty and orderliness, even if representing
ugliness and chaos runs the risk of causing some members of the audience to
get upset by taking the artists work literally and considering the artist an
evil person, or a personification of Satan even. Art is meant to show truth,
regardless of whether its ugly or beautiful, not sheltered logic. The truth
doesnt always contain logic. Art should not censor itself, because it
manifests truth. If you cant take handle the truth of reality, why would you
expect to handle true art.

Well, my hands hurt. I just spent nearly four whole hours typing my book
report for that horrendous book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
Overall, I was disappointed by the book, but the book report is written,
because that had been one of the things Id aimed to do on my day off from
work.

There are many different words that describe making something evident or
symbolizing something. They include manifestation, personification,
typification, exemplification, and embodiment.

Now that Ive finished nearly all of my book report, I have one thing down
and two or three others to go. I meditated earlier today. Now I have my web
design class and drawing to get to.

P a g e | 724

Wouldnt it be nice if we could get all the important people from the past
and present? All the gods, saints, Buddhas, prophets, philosophers,
scientists, physicists, geniuses, valedictorians, scholars, professors, and
Nobel Prize winners in one room, brought together to discuss the attainment
of society, world peace, the dispelling of misery and ignorance, as well as
the attainment of happiness, love, compassion, spirit, soul, deconstruction of
the house of ego, intelligence, and wisdom, among many other important
topics? They should write a book

I just now got my book report and my web design class done and meditated
earlier in this afternoon. Now all I have to do is work at my drawing, and
Im in the clear.

I think now would be a great time to freely commentate upon various topics.
Unfortunately Im uncertain as to what to write about. Clustering might be
good.

Ive found a certain sense of magic in these words that I make appear on this
word processor.

Wow. Thats all I can say. That memoir Im reading, A Heartbreaking Work
of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers, ended up being a Pulitzer Prize
finalist in the general nonfiction category. So did this other book that I
would like to buy, a physics book titled The Elegant Universe by Brian
Greene. I was just as surprised when I heard the graphic novel; Pedro & Me
received a nomination a while back.

Have just realized that writing a good novela hardcover 600 pager
involves a hell of a lot of work. I mean, sure you double space your lines,
but you have to work with very, very small letters, such as a #10 or #11 font
size. Well, I figured it out. To write in the same font size that J.K. Rowling
wrote in for the Harry Potter books, to get the letters to be about the same

P a g e | 725

size as that book, Id have to write with a font size of about #10. To write
like Stephen King did in the hardcover version of the best-seller suspense
novel, Bag of Bones, Id have to write with a font size of about #8.

I guess this means Im really serious about this author and book-writing
stuff. Hell yeah! Dead serious.
I think Im going to go read soon.

I just read an entire chapter, or exactly 42 pages out in A Heartbreaking

Work of Staggering Genius (the chapter titled Where is your brother).
Eggers narrative voice is simply brilliant, which is often what drives the
entire book, and thats perfectly fine with me. There should be more books
with this much narrative energy. The problem is, usuallythere arent.

Yesterday when Beth and Mike were over, I talked to Beth one on one in the
back porch of my familys house, and she told me a story about a bad
experience she had with a roommate in an apartment. The roommate, it turns
out got a hold ofa more eloquent way of saying stoleone of her credit
cards and spent away with the thing. Beth was very hurt by this and for a
long time afterwards she was afraid to trust people (or perhaps just someone
she didnt know). That whole situation was one big mess.

At first when I was choosing colleges, I has hell bent on trying to get into
either the School of Visual Arts or the California Institute of the Arts, until
the recent September 11th attacks (if I live in California going to college for
four years, and another plane attack happens, leaving the whole of
Americas airlines one big mess, how am I supposed to fly back home to
Florida to visit?). Going to school across the country for four years could be
one big awkward pain in the ass. So now I think Ill be more content
adjusting to college life by either going to the Art Institute where my former
teacher is or Ringling for a few years, unless I decide to transfer over to
CalArts after a while, which is definitely a possibility.

P a g e | 726

Mom and I went to Borders earlier today, where I went inside for a short
amount of time to write down the titles of some books I wanted.

Ive watched pretty much no television today. I dont mind one bit.
Television sucks. I was reading a chapter of AHWOSG instead like I
described earlier in this journal, which was much more poignant, involving,
and entertaining than television could ever hope to be most of the time.
Whats TV got, anyway? Currently, it has obnoxious music videos (mostly
lustfully indulgent rap videos) for the most part, apocalyptic news coverage
of George W. Bushs war on terrorism, unfunny sitcoms, Toonami (which I
like), arrogant and pretentious talk shows, and post-contemporary cartoons.
This word processor and the books Im currently reading seem to be the best
company for the moment, other than my family and drawing.

Just fixed up the portfolio piece that I did a while ago, and its lookin
mighty good, if I do say so myself. That brings me to thinkI havent
written about fellow artists much lately. I cant forget my heroes, Frank Cho,
Hiroaki Samura, Yoshitaka Amano, Edward Gorey, Tim Burton, Jamie
Hewlett, Jim Mahfood, Jhonen Vasquez, Kosuke Fujishima, Evan Dorkin,
Gustav Klimt, Norman Rockwell, Burne Hogarth, Will Eisner, Dean
Cornwell, Katsuhiro Otomo, Walt Disney, John K., Peter Chung, Robert
Crumb, Walt Disney, Terry Moore, Jeff Smith, John Buscema, Glenn
Keane, Edgar Degas, Ingress, Paul Pope, Van Gogh, da Vinci, and Chuck
Jones. As a writer, Im definitely inspired by Ken Wilber, Brian Michael
Bendis, Paul Dini, Stephen King, Alan Moore, J.K. Rowling, Harper Lee,
William Strunk, Dave Eggers, Jean-Paul Sartre, M. Night Shyamalan, and
Immanuel Kant. Im sure Ill like Frank McCourt, John Steinbeck, and Gao
Xingjian as well. Nick Hornby is just so-so. Im reading High Fidelity
currently, and Im only somewhat impressed. When I first saw the book, I
thought it was going to be more imaginative than it actually is now that Im
finally reading it.

Im currently on my third page of todays journal entry. In school, I wrote a

essay on the Earth, but it was disappointing. Nothing to brag about. It was
mediocre at best, but I didnt have all that much time to write it, so I suppose
I also have to factor in the time element in order to evaluate it honestly.

P a g e | 727

Right now, my brother is out of the house, my father is working at

Walgreens, my mother is watching TV and I think Im going to join Mom
in watch TV soon. Im getting kind of bored with this writing. I havent used
too many big words or written anything deep or thoughtful in this computer
journal lately. More recently Ive reserved most of my analytical thoughts
for my essays. I may return to the semi-old way of writing, though. If Im
reading philosophy books, Ill often write very philosophical things,
analyzing the nature of existence and whatnot as it pertains to me. I would
certainly like to get back to thinking like that all the time. I havent talked
about my Buddhism in a while either. There was a period when all I talked
about was my Buddhist practice and various philosophical things. Now I
seem to be leaning towards a secular voice and writing well, even though the
nature of existence and the attainment of enlightenment are always in the
back of my mind. I meditated a day ago anyways, so I havent totally sold
out.

Lets see. In the past month or two, or even couple months, the books Ive
read and been reading include Spielberg; The Millionaire Mind; The Art of
Happiness; The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe; One Taste; The
Elements of Style; On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft; Awakening the
Buddha Within; A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius; Writing the
Natural Way; and High Fidelity. So in the past couple months, thats 12
books in all. Not bad. Nearly all of them were actually really good overall,
and the only one I thought was more bad then good was The Lion, the Witch,
and the Wardrobe. Aside from faking sick on the weekend, have done a lot
of reading.

This is kind of weird. When touring the UCF campus about four or five days
ago, I heard the story about a couple of black magic teenagers, who were
having a Wicca wedding in the woods, near the campus that had all the big
buildings. Our guide said that there was nothing weird about their activities.
That it was just like any other wedding. The whole idea of a Wicca wedding
ceremony is pretty weird, though. From what our guide of the back woods
told us, a lot of weird stuff happened back there. Might make a good idea for

P a g e | 728

a novel. Bizarre events that happen in the woods near a University or college
campus. Doesnt sound too bad so far.

Bought two books at Borders today, which is where my brother drove me in

his small, red Eclipse. That and Burger King. I bought The Elegant Universe
by Brian Greene, which is a physics book, and The Legacy of Luna, and
ecology book by Julia Butterfly Hill. Both look very educational.

Got everything done today that I was supposed to do. I sprayed the Fixitif on
the majority of my good life-drawing pieces.

Ill probably read soon. Maybe even right now.

Just read about half a chapter out of Awakening the Buddha Within. I
absolutely love that book.

Didnt really draw today, but I worked on some other things instead. Ill
probably work on the drawing tomorrow. Right now, Id definitely like to
lye down sprawled out on the couch in the living room and just fall asleep as
a I watch the TV, a movie, or something, or stay curled up around my books
some more, but the intelligible part of my mind will simply not allow it. I
live to create and seek my authentic inner being, seek liberation, and help
people other than myself. After the portfolio is done, will it be easier from
here on out, though? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

A funny thing happened to me. In the car ride from home, I was arguing
with my mother whether Edward Goreythe prolific and gothic illustrator
of the early and late 1900swas a real live genius. My argument was that
genius is not as rare as many assume it to be and that if you create a whole
new way of doing and/or seeing youre most likely a genius. In my opinion,
Edward Gorey created the whole gothic/intelligent/fairytale/fantasy/humor
genre which Tim Burton and Jhonen Vasquez lended their styles to, and thus
for inventing that category and pioneering it. Gorey in my mind is

P a g e | 729

indisputably a kind of creative genius for seeing visions other did not see
(Gorey came before Burton. Burton came before Vasquez). My mother
believes that people who you would classify as geniuses are much more rare
of a find. Perhaps even only 3 or 5 in the state of Florida. But when I looked
at the back of the book, Ascending Peculiarity: Gorey on Gorey, which was
book specifically about Gorey the illustrator and innovative storyteller, 4 or
5 out of the 9 or so critical excerpts on the backside of the book stated with
much conviction the proclamation that Gorey is a genius, including The New
York Post (or some name like that) and some other very important
magazines. I guess apparently the respected critics agree with my
presumption, rather than my mothers. I dont know if that makes me a
better judge of genius, or if it nearly proves that many people are misguided
(especially the critics), or perhaps that my side receives more votes than my
mothers side. Im not really sure. For humilitys sake, Im just not sure.
Also in my opinion, Stanley Kubrick, Chuck Jones, Mamoru Oshii, Norman
Rockwell, Will Eisner. All pure geniuses at what they do, or at least in my
opinion. Im leaving the unquestionable ones, such as Vincent Van Gogh,
Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Gustav Klimt, Leonardo da Vinci, and
Mohandas Gandhi, off this list because their genius does not need to be
proved. The power of their genius is an obvious axiom.

Today has been interesting. I read a chapter out of Awakening The Buddha
Withinprecisely 60 pages. A wonderfully delightful book, on the magic of
Buddha Dharma, and unleashing the Buddhist heart. Its made me realize
that its important to value simplicity. I need to take more value in
simplicity, and all its magnificence contained therein. Simplicity can bring
its own inner joy. Also, often the best weapon against anger is joy and
laughter. So if you find yourself cornered by anger, never forget you have
laughter and humor handy. Im sure that fits into the totality of the Dharma.
Also, many of the most important things to me, have no monetary value.
They hold no economic return. They simply bring me happiness, and that is
worth much more than money. Far much more.

I think Im going to draw later.

P a g e | 730

At school today, Katie Towers, who is one of my old classmate and new
friends (slightly wide figure, white skin, spiky dyed blonde hair, likes
reading Jhonen Vasquez comics) stopped by and we hugged, which was
rewarding. Its always rewarding to hug old acquaintances, and of course
talk to them. She said something that shocked me, though. She told me shes
getting married; probably to a guy shes known named Ezra. That seems
strange to me, because shes not that much older than I am. About 17. I just
said Oh. Really? I didnt lecture her. I honestly feel that she has her whole
life to decide on the right relationship, that she doesnt have to rush into
marriage this soon, and may regret her decision, but then again I must
maintain a certain amount of compassion for her and everyone else,
regardless of whether shes my friend or not. I think I should say that Lama
Surya Das and the Dalai Lama have quickly become two of my heroes, both
in ethics, Buddhist philosophy, and day-to-day living.

I cant believe that in about one month, Im not going to be a minor

anymore. Ill be 18 years old, and will soon be going off to college.

Well, the second half of my two-part story turned out well. I was stumped on
how to end it, being a story about a man who was about to fly a kite on a
soccer field and all. It ended up being about man who, as he flew his kite,
saw it was a caged bird which was soaring free and not tied down to the
world, kind of like either a symbolism and metaphor combined of sortsthe
symbolism being leaded-into by the metaphor describing the kites relation to
a bird (pigeon)and it then occurred to me that the short story could be
interpreted many different ways. I left out a lot of information, like who the
man was, what his name was, and what exactly he was being tied down to.
The first association for the metaphor/symbolism that struck me was that the
symbolism could have very well been a Buddhist one. The tying-down being
a representation of all the mans attachment to this world. His stress, his
unhappiness, and his worry. Everything that had been weighing him down in
general. The bird could have represented either a person who personified
actual cerebral state of enlightened Buddha hood or enlightenment itself. To
drive this interpretation home, at one point the short story I wrote goes
something like this: He wanted to be the bird. He was not the bird. In the
first half of the brief story, I went into vivid detail describing the soccer
field. In the second half of the storymy second day writing itI explored
the symbolic/metaphoric relationship between the kite and the liberated bird.

P a g e | 731

I think Im going to look through parts of my new books, The Elegant

Universe and The Legacy of Luna, as well as draw and meditate in the next
three hours, which are between 7:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. which is the time I
usually go to bed because Im too tired to do anymore work. Right now Im
listening to the Orange County Supertones, a great ska band. Im not a
Christian, Presbyterian, Catholic, Baptist or any other Jesus religion. Im a
Buddhist, but I enjoy their music a lot anyways. Its very vigorous and
energetic. They are a Christian ska band after all. I like it when a person or
group can put a lot of energy and diligence into their creative work. I dont
know why I read intellectual books as much as I do, for no other reason than
enjoyment. Perhaps because my intellectual half is always telling me to
strive for more knowledge, trying to quench or at least calm my insatiable
thirst for knowledge and information. Even though Im not Christian, Im
not really much of a sinner either. Buddhism teaches perfectly noble ethics,
but most religions are moral to a certain extent. If you kill or curse when you
speak, you are not practicing religion, and if you practice rituals but still kill
and curse, you are not practicing religion sincerely.

Im not going to spend much time writing. Its already past 10 at night.

Looked through my books some and drew once again earlier tonight. I also
watched part of an episode of a certain lame show, with my parents. They
love the show. I hate it. Its so prosaic. So dull. Its almost painful to watch
even ten minutes of it. I can barely stand watching ten minutes of most
television shows. As an intellectual of sorts, Im prone to despise television
shows for the most part. Makes me want to get back to discovering the joys
of meditation and the spiritual journey. My personal authentic spiritual
journey has been much more rewarding than watching television ever was. I
used to watch television all the time, or more specifically cartoons and
animation, but even that has lost its appeal to me. Radio is somewhat better,
but not much. Im now more comfortable with a book, meditation, the
prospect of enlightenment, and complete silence. Perhaps in the near future I
should do a meditation on simplicity. Simplicity is something you yearn to
embrace. I think some sleep would do me well. Although I feel like I could

P a g e | 732

write a lot more tonight, if I had something to write about, but I dont seem
to have anything right now.

It was interesting. I was reading my Study Skills assignment in class today

in the afternoon, and I was reading an article on Impressionism, lead
partially by Claude Monet. It said some very interesting things about
interpretation of form. I might definitely expound upon that concept
tomorrow.
I was feeling so angry and depressed earlier today, probably due to my own
egocentric and selfish tendencies, but it wore off after I meditated some, and
now Im writing in this journal finally, so I think things are all right now.
Now about Impressionism. Impressionism was a historic movement that
took place over two hundred years ago, or perhaps less than that.
Impressionisms have a much looser definition of form than most. They
believe the totality of the form is never consistent, and is thus always
changing because of its various patterns of lighting and shadows, among the
other surface phenomena. They try to capture it for its transient exterior
form, not its underlying perennial one.

I was talking to one of the teachers at my school. How lucky I feel. I feel this
way because shes studying physics, which is a subject I have interest in and
am currently trying to learn about. Supposedly, a loose definition of physics
would be the study of the underlying nature of movement and what makes
things go, have momentum, etc., explained partially through physics
formulas and partially through observation, experimentation and analysis.
She also gave me a wonderful idea. Ive always wanted to take a college
course in philosophy. She suggested something. I brought up Harvard for
some reason, saying Id like to go to Harvard, but its too tough to get in.
She then helped me think of something. Why not, when Im older and have
some free time, take a summer course in philosophy at Harvard, in Boston.
Makes enough sense. Im sure it costs a lot of money, but maybe it does not
require a pre-requisite. On second thought, I just looked at the Harvard.edu
website, and the philosophy courses I saw offered on the Harvard Summer
School website seem very hard. I dont know if theyre too hard for me, but
perhaps I should become a self-taught philosopher. The University of Illinois
has a very good philosophy program, from what Ive seen. Since I own
books by Kant, Sartre, Nietzsche, and Wilber, that means I can read the

P a g e | 733

works of these philosophers any time I choose! How exciting. For me it can
sometimes hurt to think too much, despite how analytical I enjoy being
sometimes. For me, philosophy has been one of the hardest, yet most
enjoyable subjects Ive gotten to experience learning.

Motion and distance are both relative, but especially motion. Scientists
analyzed the distance and/or width of the cosmos, or began to do, when they
observed various photons traveling through the cosmos, thus estimating
distance/width/possibly-neither by analyzing how far and how fast the
photons were traveling. Simple enough, right? Thats just the first thing Ive
learned from Brian Greenes The Elegant Universe. Not quite as linguistic as
Ken Wilber, which in fact may make Greenes book strongerbecause it
may in fact have less bullshit to hidebut its certainly nearly as or almost
as insightful and profound. These are some brilliant books Im having the
opportunity to read and television shows Ive gotten to watch. I was
watching some PBS programs on western fine art and literature. Ive also
learned birds are winged vertebrates, and that salt and sugar are compounds,
but also foods. Perhaps I began a long time ago to sound too much like an
educator and not enough like and entertainer. More like a professor and less
like a celebrity. This is good. This is just how I want it to be. I want to be
like a professor disguised as an entertainer. Entertainers are witty, clever,
hip, loud, rebellious, and sometime irreverent. Im not sure which one Id
want to be the most: A monk or lama, a professor, a celebrity, an
entrepreneur, a master, an auteur, a philosopher, a philanthropist, or an
intellectual. Perhaps one day Ill be all of these things. Maybe Ill just stick
to being a storyteller. This journal gives me an idea. Maybe I should write in
my journal about all the things I learn in school right when I get home from
school, before I get to drawing everyday.

It seems that now I am most comfortable in complete silence. Nothing but

hearing my own rhythmic breathes in the universe of worldly silence is a
very beautiful thing to me. It puts me at ease, makes me a lot less angry as
well as more compassionate, and gives me inner peace.

Ive seen some personal writing on the Internet, which is on other peoples
personal websites. Just about all of it is mediocre self-serving I wanna be

P a g e | 734

famous babble. A lot of it is poetry. Oh, how bad it is. It makes me think
thank God for published literature, both contemporary and classic, which
can make up for some of that amateur web drivel.

I cant wait to analyze string theory and the quantum theory even more. Im
certainly not saying this to try to sound like Im more than I am. Im truly
excited about being able to try to better comprehend these theories, for if Im
able to better understand the underlying nature of reality, it will help me to
better understand the underlying nature of myself. The former and the latter
go hand in hand. They are correlative. To me, that fact seems like an axiom,
not a paradox, because it just doesnt seem that contradictory to me.
Understanding the universe outside of us, the macrocosm, seems to me like
an obvious constituent for understanding and perceiving the universe that
lies within us, the microcosm. I think it would be better to think of myself
not as a visionary or mystic, but as a person who has access to part of the
road that has the potential of leading to subjective universal truth. Genius, if
thats what one decides to call it, is such a categorical term, and to me that
seems like something that would divide us even farther away from our
underlying common humanity, which Im sure is no better than something
the Dalai Lama would say. Hes quite a bit smarter than I.

There just havent been that many good movies playing in theatres lately.
The last movie I saw in the theatre was Tim Burtons Planet of the Apes, and
that was a suckfest. The only movies that are in or going to be in the theatre,
from the looks of it, are Disneys, Pixars, and the ever-brilliant John
Lassetters Monsters Inc., which looks to be a possible high grossing movie,
and the film adaptation of Stephen Kings Hearts In Atlantis, which turns
out not to be a big grossing movie. Its been in the theatre for 3 weeks
already and its already down to being the #10 movie in America, which is
the country that makes or breaks you in the film business.

I meditated some. Its amazing how varied size is. From the tiniest molecule
or atom in existence to the whole expanse of the cosmos, which contains
billions upon billions of galaxies. Matter is formSometimes.

P a g e | 735

When meditating, I do my best not to cling to anything. Not any type of

sight, sound, smell, touch, taste, thought, idea, memory, feeling, urge, or
image. You concentrate on one thing, primarily your breath, and thats it.
The whole point of meditation for me is to help me not to cling to anything
too much. When your mind is the most empty, only then can it be the most
full. Thats definitely a Buddhist paradox.

Around next month is when I start looking at art colleges, probably just in
Florida right now. I take my current portfolio with me, and I get my work
evaluated by some members of the admissions staff. Im having trouble
deciding on where I want to go first, Ringling or the Art Institute. Theyre
both in the semi-lovely state of Florida, and I assume theyre both near the
beach. Dad says he has a feeling once I get to see both of the campuses; Ill
probably come to a decision. I dont want to stab anybody in the back or
anything, but I also would definitely like to go to the top art college in
Florida, which is Ringling. I suppose this decision is for myself.

Its not always easy to submit to an idea thats bigger than we are, whether
its God, the karmic law of the universe, or scientific theories such as
evolution. Even hardcore liberal scientists have to have some sort of faith in
natures evolutionary process, even if they believe that any sort of a God
does not exist. Theyre still submitting to something bigger than themselves.
Thats good because its important, no matter whom we are, to put our ego
aside, step back and think about the bigger picture in this world.

I dont have school today. I think Im going to draw in a couple minutes. I

drew two days ago, but not much. Went to Kinkos yesterday to make copies
of most of the portfolio pieces Ive made so far.

I got back from work about an hour early today. Watched some television
when I arrived at home. Invader ZIM with my motherwho thought ZIM
was extremely stupidand VH1 Storytellers: Featuring Matchbox Twenty,
which is a band my x-middle-school-partial-friend, Matt, used to know the
lead singer of.

P a g e | 736

I think there will be a time in my life where I read almost nothing but
philosophy books, physics books, ecology books, and Nobel (and Pulitzer)
Prize winning literature. I dont just want to read something significant. I
want to one day write something thats significant. Im not sure what it is yet
and what medium it would be in. I just know its something. If I ever get my
hands on my own television show or get to produce someone elses, I
definitely want to put epigraphs at the beginning or end of all or a couple
episodes, which is not something Ive seen done on any television show,
because I have doubts its ever been done before in television format. But if
it has, Im not aware of it.

Lately, Ive been interested in learning things. Perhaps that will one day
make me seem erudite. This desire to learn has been a subsequent stage
thats followed my extreme existentialism stage. Im interested in studying
ecology, philosophy, physics, cosmology, art, literature, film, animation,
sequential art, and creativity in general. Im only good at some of these
things right now, but everyday Im getting better at philosophy, physics and
cosmology. I love becoming learned in things like sting theory, ontology,
epistemology, quantum mechanics, Einsteins theory of relativity, Buddhism
(and various other religions, metaphysics and spirituality, business, Natural
Selection, HTML, perception, consciousness, culture, and phenomenology.
Im not really a great thinker however. Ken Wilber, Lao Tzu, Brian Greene,
Stephen Hawking, and the Dalai Lama know a lot more than I.

In online message boards, Ive been criticized for stupidity, crude language,
and nonsense, but I think what people dont know from reading my posts is
that Im a little more classy than I display myself as on online forums. I
consider forums not a place to showcase profundity, but simply a place to let
loose, be funny and spout nonsense when and if I feel like it. I dont take any
of the messages I post on message boards to seriously, and other people
shouldnt either. Sure I can come off as somewhat pretentious and foulmouthed in forums, but you could say the same for a lot of people. Not just
me.

P a g e | 737

Should go get to reading pretty soon. Still, I want to always think about the
Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. I want to read for an hour or two, and
then either return to the word processor or get to drawing.

After all this journal writing, Ive realized two intrinsic facts. 1) Im not a
saint. Im a compassionate, loving human. 2) I only manifest insight
occasionally. I am certainly not intelligent all of the time. Not even half the
time probably.
I was watching the September 11th tribute concert, live from New York on
VH1, and its amazing. All the people involved in the event, the guest
speakers, performers and technical people donated their time. They werent
paid a single dollar to participate in this event, and thats makes me feel
good. Paul McCartney organized the event, and all these things say enough,
that people do have dignity and compassion, and that people, regardless of
race and religionin generalare not always just about money and power.
Thats the beauty of this country. Even Woody Allen, Kevin Smith, Martin
Scorsese, and Spike Lee made contribution films. Howard Stern, Bill
Clinton, Billy Joel, Jerry Seinfeld, John Cusack, Jim Carey, Richard Gere
who advised that we take all the hatred were feeling and turn it into
something positive such as healing and compassion. Hatred will only fuel
hatred he said. He got accosted and booed for doing so, which bothered me
because compassion and many other things are such an important and
integral mental state to keep if one is to ever become liberated and others
all made contributions. The Who performed for the first time in a long time,
and seeing them play on stage was just powerful. The same band that
smashed guitars at that historic Woodstock event in 1969, thats now
recognized as a pivotal American point in the history books. Now a new
intrinsic page in the history books has been written. It was written on
September 11th and will be remembered. I guess the most decent thing I can
do, other than donating blood or money, is make creative contributions. Im
able to contribute in my own individual way, which no one else can
trademark, except me, because I thought this shit up meself! What Im
wondering is what will subsequent life during the next couple of months be
like? I have a predilection to write about things that catch my attention and
that concern me. I hope for droll, but the masses may inevitably see
lameness and nothing more than the prosaic. Ill just have to see how it goes.
Well, Im hoping it goes well. I wont know unless I make the effort,
though, and thats half the fun.

P a g e | 738

The expanse of the cosmos is too enormous for a single mind to fathom
without technological aid, too vast for the cerebral mind to fathom through
its own imagination. Believe me, Ive tried, but to no avail. I tried to picture
how big it was when I was sitting on the bench outside of supermarket, after
I got off of work, looking at the darkening sky. Cant do it. Its too big. Too
huge, I thought. And that was the end of that creative and presumptive
ordeal. Im not sure if my writing is entertaining enough, profound enough,
creative enough, poignant enough, or intelligent enough. Im just not sure.
Im not sure what will serve as vindication, other than the pure enjoyment I
get from writing or drawing. Maybe an audience would prove it. Well, I
have an audience of a couple people. Honestly, I can only grasp some of the
most basic tenets of cosmology; the complexity of the more deep stuff
overwhelms me, because its so academic.

It seems that I want to speed my process towards what I hope will lead to
my enlightenment, due to my constant meditation. I meditate nearly
everywhere, with my favorite and most traditional place to meditate being
the sitting lotus position on my bed with my legs crossed. However, at work
and at home, Ill meditate just about everywhere. Laying down on my bed
when Im relaxing and reading, at the computer when Im typing in my
journal, on the couch when Im lying down or sitting watching television
(primarily when I get bored), in the break room at my work, and most
recently today at work when I was clearing the carts off the parking lot while
walking around. So thats in four positions, laying, sitting, standing up, and
walking. Meditation can be anything from a once-a-week activity to a on and
off during 24 hours a day, 7 days a week cycle, through a constant living
rebirth cycle of waking, being awake, falling asleep, sleeping and dreaming.
Yes, I am still a devout Buddhist (Dzogchen, Zen, Tibetan, or Mahayana?
Im not sure) and probably will be until the day of my death and the day my
soul parts with my body and is possibly integrated with a separate body, but
Ken Wilber I aint.

I dont really have a desire to be in the spotlight or limelight, parading

around and whatnot. Id rather be like the celebrities who make efforts to
stay out of the limelight, doing relatively few interviews, staying private and

P a g e | 739

mysterious. Such celebrities as Tim Burton, Trent Reznor, Harper Lee, J.D.
Salinger, and Ken Wilber.

Im going to go read fairly soon, just as soon as I can think up something to

write. I guess you could say that my writing folder at school that now
contains about 42 pages of various writings done by me, could be called my
writing portfolio, just as my drawing case and all the good drawings I have
preserved would be called my artwork portfolio. So I have 2 portfolios now.
One for my drawing, and one for my writing. 2 for my writing actually. One
at home in my room, next to my bed, and another near my desk at school,
which I think Im a little more proud of, even though its less personal. Its
still good though. My head feels light right now. If and when I become a
celebrityif thats what you want to call itI hope people dont try or want
to seek me out. Im just not a very public person. I dont want people
running after me on the street when Im out in public, just for a talk of an
autograph, or going up to my house and trying to get my attention. I hope,
that if I am a success, that it doesnt change everything too much. Maybe
Im asking for too much here. I dont want the world to tell me all the time
how brilliant I am. I dont care how brilliant I might be or how much of a
thinker I actually am. All I care about is stripping myself of my ego, helping
to entertain people and make people think, producing good work, and living
the compassionate life. I want to be a devout Buddhist practitioner. A man
on the spiritual path and perhaps the path of love. Im not really all that
smart. Im fascinated by ontologists, existentialists, Buddhists, artists,
writers, philanthropists, cosmologists, physicists,
post-modernists,
ecologists, and phenomenologists.

I think Ill go read and meditate now. Ill return to writing pretty soon, but
Im going to get to drawing today also.

I just read the second-to-last chapter of Awakening the Buddha Within, Lama
Surya Dass masterpiece of an explanation on Buddhism in general. Ken
Wilber was right. That book has been wise, wonderful, gentle, and profound.
Ive learned a lot, but now my eyes feel worn out from reading for so long. I
read two chapters out of that book today. Maybe I wont work in television.
Perhaps Ill just stay to films, books and comic books.

P a g e | 740

Im coming down with another cold. This is not good. Less than good. As a
matter of fact, its bad. Ive been sneezing all day today. Im still very happy
regardless.

Not sure what else to write about. I believe its important for people to live
in the now, though. Living in the present is crucial to attaining peace of
mind. Reflecting on the past and the future more than the here and now will
only primarily evoke various forms of mental pain about bad memories and
anxiety towards what will happen. Its important to embrace this very
moment, to live mindfully. If we live with complete reverence for the
miracle of this very moment, being completely mindful of it, but not going
through it as if were sleeping and its just another chore, its much easier to
attain peace of mind and inner happiness.

P a g e | 741

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 46

P a g e | 742

October 2001

One chapter to go on Awakeningand then Im finished. I think Im going

to go read the chapter soon and get one of my current books, which Im
reading, done with.

Well, I just completely finished reading Awakening the Buddha Within, and I
give it five stars, possibly higher. Its a wonderful spiritual manual for
integrating Dzogchen or non-sectarian Buddhist wisdom into todays fast
paced contemporary life. I just wish I could get the chance to meet Jeffrey
Miller (a.k.a. Lama Surya Das) and tell him how much I enjoyed his book
and how much it means to me right now, how useful its been to me. It was
very profound and intellectual. He used a lot of wonderful words, so I
learned some new interesting words as an added bonus that goes with
reading the book. Its helped me find my own spiritual path, which is not too
pragmatic. That would seem too superficial to me. But the path is also not
too esoteric either.

Now that Ive finished Awakening.., I think Im going to go into reading a

more quick and simple book, which will be a short break for my mind.
Something not too deep, but more entertaining such as Burton on Burton
and/or Pedro & Me and Powers: Who Killed Retro Girl, and then Ill get
back into the groove of reading more complex and involving books. I have a
healthy amount to choose from. A whole plethora if you will. Ive got a
couple main ones in mind. They are Integral Psychology by Ken Wilber
which would be my second Wilber book, The Elegant Universe, Soul
Mountain, Tis, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Philosophical
Remarks by Ludwig Wittgenstein, Being and Nothingness by Jean-Paul
Sartre, or The Basic Writings of Kant. There are also a lot of good fiction
books like Hearts in Atlantis, Hannibal, Bridget Jones Diary, Little Green
Men, The Poisonwood Bible, Harry Potter, and Fight Club. Right now,

P a g e | 743

though. Im just enjoying the freedom, being able to sit around and not
having to read like a madman.

Will be taking a bit more time to write now, and then Im going to go back
to work reading, drawing, and whatnot. Drawing sounds really good right
now. Better than writing. Usually when Im writing these journals I start out
without any kind of a direction or topic, and just write about what comes to
mind, kind of like free association writing. This often doesnt work.
Clustering usually conjures up some good creative results, but its a lot more
work than just sitting down and writing about what comes to mind, so I
usually end up doing the latter. Sure, Ill sometimes think of something to
say which I find interesting, but usually its just babble and nothing more. I
kind of like it that way, though. Im 17 and am about to turn 18. I have my
whole life to think up new things to write about and hone my writingas
well as drawingskills.

My writing portfolio keeps getting more sufficient every day. Im very

proud of a lot of the things Ive written in there. Its seems like recently that
Ive saved all my thoughtful writing for school. I dont know why this is.
Im not very good at etymology. Im better at linguistics. Im not as good
with figuring out origins of words. I think it helps if I write about what hurts
me the most. Tis the miracle of the catharsis. Tis a miracle indeed. Out of
all the years that Ive suffered at times, Id have to say the years when I was
an atheist were the worst. Being insulted or verbally harassed used to really
bother me. I would have panic attacks and cry about it. The former happened
mostly as I grew into my teens. The latter happened most often when I was
very young. I still get panic attacks sometimes, when I have to go by a high
school or middle school around this neighborhood, or when I see some
ignorant, egotistical, pretentious, and intimidating teenagers sometimes
driving sports cars and whatnot. My head will twitch and spasm when I feel
very socially uncomfortable and Ill have trouble making eye contact with
the person whom I think is instigating trouble. Thats my version of a panic
attack. Ill also stutter sometimes. These are my main flaws. That and the
fact that I can think hateful thought sometimes. But I believe its important
for anyone to realize (myself included) that our thoughts do not define what
we are, and I wrote something very similar to that in my essay at school
today. The part about thoughts, not the part about panic attacks. That

P a g e | 744

perspective is new, and Im glad I wrote about it, because I feel better now.
Some of the idiosyncrasies of my life will slip right by me. Theyll go right
under my nose and continue to happen quite often without me even thinking
to write about them, things such as my dreams that I have, what I do in the
morning when waking up and getting ready for school, and my
consciousness and what I do right before I go to bed, and go to sleep.

My writing isnt really much when compared to the output of someone like
Ken Wilber, Immanuel Kant and Nietzsche. Im sure there are at least a
dozen storytellers who could get a story or point across and pace it more
effectively than I, such aspretty much any manga artist. I guess that
doesnt mean that my stuff is horrible necessarily. Just replaceable.

If I cant think up anything decent to write about soon, Ill work on drawing.
I should have done that already anyway.

This is decent. For dinner, the family is having burgers on the grill. This is
one of my favorites, despite my yearning to become a vegetarian. I dont
believe in purposefully causing suffering to befall upon animals so that my
bodily wants can be satiated. Theres no vindication for this. Yet I am quite
the hypocrite because despite this nutshell of wisdom, I still continue to eat
meat. I guess Im not a complete hypocrite, though, because I have much
reverence for people who make the decision to live a life that is connected
with vegetarianism, because they are surely much stronger than I, both in
heart, spirit, and soul. The Buddha never condoned eating meat, and neither
did a lot of religious leaders and sages. Its not right to make poor animals
actual fellow sentient beingssuffer just so we can make our bellies full.
This is wrong in my opinion, but I guess at least one decent part is the fact
that Im not the one who kills them. If I had to choose between killing all the
animals in order to give myself more meats to eat or living the vegetarian
and/or vegan lifestyle, Id choose the latter. I couldnt bring myself to kill
fellow creatures just to satisfy some of my wants. I often feel too much
compassion to do that. Too much of a desire to be altruistic, empathetic, and
benevolent, even though Im certainly not always that way. Most people
arent. Ive also just recently made an effort to avoid killing insects if I have
a choice. If I see a bug flying around me, I do my best not to squash it. Its

P a g e | 745

certainly not easy to do that all the time. A while ago, the killing of some
insects was almost instinctive, but then Ive realized that I need to cherish all
forms of life. This is not easy because Ive had to make a conscious effort to
restrain myself when I feel the desire or impulse to kill a small insect.
Killing, without question, is bad karma. Its a sin, bad karma, unjust, or
amoral. Theres not a justification for killing, of any sort.

I suppose even the generation I belong to will have many future

generations after it. Its hard to believe that people my age will actually be
the ancestors of future generations. When I pass away, I dont know how big
of an impact I will create on posterity. Im not sure if people will save my
work for future generations. Im not sure if I really want to save myself for
posterity. Im not important enough for that. Im nothing really. I may or
may not receive a lot of praise in the future during my lifetime, but I wont
let any amount of praise let me allow myself to become pretentious. My ego
is my worst enemy in my quest for value, profundity, and ethics. I havent
talked about God in a long time. I still consider myself an agnostic or sorts,
but I guess I could either be a deist, a pantheist, or a person who believe in
the value of theism, even if he doesnt believe it or practice it.
***
Most religions, despite the mysteriousness and mysticism behind them,
have taught entire cultures how to develop upon their pre-existing system of
ethics, keeping the general population from creating chaos within itself, thus
destroying itself, and that fact alone proves the value of religious systems.
The problem, however, is when people take their religious convictions too
far, mutilate the convictions basic tenets just to feed individual will, which
can often lead to suppression, oppression, bigotry, fear, disputes, hatred, and
malice, which are often things that religion itself was meant to reject and
oppose. This creates a type of hypocrisy. I think a lot of atheists hate
Christianity because they see the personal hypocrisy that it can lead to when
its not used sincerely, and thus go the extreme action of rejection the entire
orthodox religious system, and its practitioners, in general, which I think is a
bit extreme, because there are some valuable things taught in many religions.
I dont think we should kill off an entire group because a few members make
idiots of their own selves and set bad examples in general.
***

P a g e | 746

Theres got to be word out there that means Taking advantage of peoples
lack of knowledge about death and the process of dying.
Im feeling sick, so I decided to hold off drawing for tonight. I am however
going to read some of my book Burton on Burton pretty soon. Perhaps Ill
watch some television tonight, even though it will probably equal wasting
my time.

Since Im not drawing tonight, I might as well make other use of my time. It
would sure be nice to have something decent to say all of the time.
Unfortunately, thats not possible.

Wow! Im listening to some audiotapes about the worlds 100 greatest

people, which I must buy eventually. Someone let me borrow the tapes for
this month and next. Im amazed by these stories. I heard two so far. One on
Leonardo da Vinci, who was one of the highest geniuses known to man, and
one on the Buddha, the enlightened one who was around near Lao Tzus
time. Da Vinci really enlightened me about art and inspired me to achieve
greatness. The cool thing about da Vinci is that he saw practically no
distinction between artor creatingand things such as physics, inventing,
zoology and astronomy. This is a mindset I want to strive for. Not
distinguishing my art ability and my analytical interests. They can actually
compliment my artwork and make me become more knowledgeable. So,
studying the things that Im learning about, such as physics, oceanography,
sociology, ecology, economy, philosophy, cosmology, aesthetics,
psychology, psychotherapy, Buddhism, Taoism, linguistics, ontology,
phenomenology,
epistemology,
metaphysics,
science,
grammar,
existentialism, anatomy, kinetic forces, law, quantum mechanics, string
theory, astronomy, ethics, government, biology, business, history,
impressionism, government, and geography, among other things will do
nothing but help my storytelling and artwork in general as well as help to
transiently satiate my quest for knowledge. Now I need to stop saying the
names of these academic subjects and start learning what they truly are. Ive
learned that if you want to depict somethings form on a flat surfacewhich
is not too hard to do now that we have all these art books to assist us its
important to learn what exactly the form is, interpret the form, and depict its
totality through our individual perception, if we want to truly know what the

P a g e | 747

form is when portrayed through art. Id rather think like a Renaissance artist
than a dilettante-esque post-modern expressionist. They simply cop out from
what their forefathers had to bust their asses learning. Art resembles
philosophy in the fact that both interpret space and form, just in different
ways. Form could also be defined as mass or volume, but Im probably
making technical errors here. I should do more research on the analytical
subjects I speak about. Studying takes effort and repeated reading to enhance
memorization. I love studying various paradoxes. Its fun to interpret a
paradox of any kind, because they contain certain challenges to them.

I guess Im a Mahayana Buddhist. There is no Buddhism, only Buddhists.

The Buddha always encouraged that the Dharma be the best teacher of the
path to enlightenment, not the Buddha himself, but I think that was his
egoless nature speaking on behalf of him, which is quite miraculous in its
own right. I must follow the Buddhas example. I must not embrace too
much pride or ego, because they destroy spirit, and if your spirit is dead,
youre pretty much dead yourself, at least on a humanitarian level.

I think Im getting better at the technique known as clustering. I created a

cluster a day or two ago to go with my creative writing assignment at Center
today, and the clustering I did to warm up seemed very elaboratetherefore
I think it was my best one yetbut the actual mini-essay material on webs
and whatnot, particularly for the human bodily system, was inaccurate as
one of my teachers pointed out. God bless that woman for deconstructing
some of my probably already overbearing arrogance. Blood veins are not
part of the human nervous system. I think I recall that it (the nervous system)
has more to do with the basic (five) senses. Sight, taste, touch smell, and
hearing (and of course the infamous sixth sense. The keen ability to spot a
dead one in a crowd of live ones).

I have my newest drawing class tonight. Life Drawing for Animators. Im

excited about this one, because Im sure Ill be around a lot of neat people:
animation artists! This will be exciting. Ill be around my own kind for once.
Actually, Im always around my own kind, which is to say fellow humans
and sentient beings. But I guess you could say that Ill be around my own
creative kind. Phil and Rima Jabbur who are both very respectedprolific,

P a g e | 748

if you ask meart teachers, and Ive learned a lot just by being in their
presence and hearing their wisdom. Phil now currently teaches and works as
the head instructor for the animation program at the Art Institute, in Florida,
and Rima teaches fine art and traditional drawing at the Crealde School of
Art in Winter Park (also in Florida), where she is one of the best, if not the
best art instructor there. Theyve taught me a lot of valuable lessons and
have helped me to transcend my old way of drawing and visual thinking, as
well as my bad art habits, and have helped me to attain as well as strive for a
higher level in general. I am achieving that ascension slowly, but surely.
Now Im going to meet my new teacher tonight. Its too bad I couldnt take
lessons with one of Phils friends such as Ian White, the Australian Disney
lead animator. They both taught me different methods, but both their
methods are equally brilliant and practical. Its like Im being trained by
enlightened Zen masters, except theyre Zen masters in the realm of art,
rather than various schools of Buddhism. Speaking of training, Ill probably
train myself more diligently in the art and sport of meditation pretty soon. If
monks in Tibet and India can meditate for hours at a time, remaining
stationary, without moving, then I guess theres not reason this particular
shmoe cant try to. Maybe it will help me be less like a typical person, and
more like a Bodhisattva. As for spreading the word of Dharma, its probably
not my place to preach, but its certainly my place to practice. Its my
calling. I practice compassion and loving-kindness, but at the same time I
also practice my drawing and writing.

Im not sure how I create and make words and images appear out of nothing.
Ill often start generating creative energy by clustering, meditating with
contemplative exercises, or drawing basic shapes on a piece of paper, which
often turn into ideas, images, concepts and sometimes theories. I guess this
is the best way to get my creative power going. Its kind of like tuning into
my inventive energy chakras, like tuning the guitar strings of my brain. The
right side of my brain, to be exact. Where the ideas come from and how they
enter my mind, I couldnt exactly say. My brain is like a satellite that
receives creative signals from a muse. Its very enjoyable and pleasant.

Well, I had a lot of fun tonight. I went to the first lesson of my newest
drawing class with my newest teacher, Christian Slade, and it was the Life
Drawing for Animators course. Its a wonderful class. Christian does
absolutely brilliant artwork. I was very impressed. It was a small setting.

P a g e | 749

There were only about seven or so people in the class, and I did gestures
until my arms fell off. The 30-second gestures really killed me. This class is
going to take some real practice at home if I want to get something out of it.
A lot of gesture drawings is what Im going to need to do at home if I want
to progress in the class. It should be a lot of fun. This class might very well
help me with my portfolio. It just might. Getting tired, so Ill go to bed soon.

I listened to quite a few more of the audiotape series, The Worlds 100
Greatest People. This time I listened to tapes that told the life stories, works
and accomplishments (among other things) of Ludwig Van Beethoven, LaoTzu, Martin Luther King, Vincent Van Gogh, and Mohandas Gandhi. Van
Gogh was a genius, like Beethoven, who had an extremely strong dedication
to God, which he believed became manifest through the life and soul of Van
Goghs own work. He was also a tormented genius, starving artist, worldrenowned artist (well, now anyway), manic-depressive, and a man of great
compassion and tender affection. Beethoven was perhaps the greatest single
musician of all time, who was able to make it possible for music to be
listened to simply for pleasure, and who rose music to the level of fine art
(on the same level as painting and literature. It came after those things).
Beethovens influence is immeasurable and irrefutable. The Lao-Tzu tape
informed me much about Taoism (pronounced Dow-iz-um, with Tao being
pronounced like Dow). Religiously, he was as influential as Confucius and
the Buddha. Lao-Tzu was a divine sage who was known as the word on The
Way, who wrote one of the earliest books that ever existed, in roughly two
hours. Ill expound upon the concepts behind Taoism pretty soon. Then there
was the famous Christian, Martin Luther King who was quite possibly one
of the leading and worlds foremost advocates of freedom and nonviolence,
aside from Gandhi. He was an African-American who went up against the
profoundly powerful evil of fear, prejudice, and racism, and hefor the
most partwon his battle against it by being the main man responsible for
refuting and abolishing American segregation between whites and blacks,
which still existed after slavery was abolished. He did this by many boycotts
or protests and his powerful (and pretty much divine) message of love and
nonviolence. He was a man who was free at last, despite his assassination.
His soul or spirit truly was free at last, with him being a one of the worlds
leading personifications of love, tolerance, and protest against injustice. His
struggle not only manifested the power of his message, but unfortunately, it
also evoked a poisonously strong hatred against him and the blacks who
were protesting in general, by white people who had a strong fear of blacks

P a g e | 750

and desegregation. Mahatma Gandhi was a powerful, divine religious and

political force that inspired millions worldwide. He sought to end Europes
oppression of the Indian and Hindus, and to end conflict between religions,
but more particularly (but not solely) the disputes between the Muslims and
Hindus who committed horrible acts between each other and killed millions
of each other as a result of their dispute. Gandhis response to this was to
fast, and fast he did until he nearly starved to death, subsequently making the
rivals end their conflict for the time being. For a brief time there was peace
between the groups. His sole mission was to come face to face with God. He
viewed all religions as right and just, and did not see a reason why they
should conflict with each other, which is an honorable conviction indeed. He
was even a lawyer, a cigarette smoker, and an alleged atheist at one point
during his teenage years when he rebelled for short time, but was appalled
by what he had done and gave up his rebellious streak shortly afteruntil he
became very spiritual and committed his life to peace, tolerance, and
asceticism, among many other important and liberating things.

Now about some other things: My friend at school, the new John with dyed
black hair, said something very important in my opinion. He said, You
shouldnt simply try to just categorize yourself, and we both agreed upon
the fact that what really mattered was that you are a person of ethics,
nobility, compassion, worth, goodness, or whatever! The point is that what
matters is that you do good, not bad. Hes not a Buddhist, but almost became
one during his stage of vegetarianism. Hes more of an agnostic, atheist or
pantheist (although I dont think hell call himself one particular thing), but I
have nothing against him for it. He seems quite pragmatic and intelligent in
ways that are tough to define, although hes not very social, much like
myself. Mostly quiet. It doesnt matter if one vows to seek enlightenment.
Thats an optional goal and one has many lifetimes to decide to do so if one
chooses, according to Buddhism. What matters is how one lives ones life in
the here and now. What matters is how we live our lives in this very
moment, not being a slave to unjust conformity, fear, oppression, anger,
hatred, arrogance, the ego, habit, a bigoted or anthropocentric version of a
higher power, pride, desire, lust, attachment, craving, and especially not the
past or the future, because ontologically speaking, those things (the past and
future) dont exist, even though you can feel them in the present. I believe
its important to live them with sincerity, empathy, compassion, kindness,
open mindedness, benevolence, affection, joy, happiness, wisdom, love,
tolerance, and non-judgementalism, among other things, but you get the

P a g e | 751

idea. These concepts are not defined the one religion. They can be practiced
by anyone, religious or not.

***
As for the concept of East meets West: I believe eastern religion and
spirituality, but also wisdom is slowly but surely assimilating into western
culture. This concept has become manifest through many forms. The Beatles
conversing with the spiritual pundit, Sri Ramna Maharishi, the 5 or 6 million
Buddhists living in America, the worlds (and Americas) fascination with
the Dalai Lama, Richard Gere at the September 11th tribute concert on VH1
suggesting that the victims and American people in general turn their
negative energy (anger and desire for vengeance) into something positive
(compassion), all while getting booed and accosted by the victims families
and the firefighters who risked their lives (sitting in the first group of front
rows); the popularity of Yoga and meditation in this country, Gandhis
profound influence which showed up in Martin Luther Kings path of
actions against prejudice in this country and the world, the success of Lama
Surya Dass nationally (and, knowing the American entertainment economic
system, probably internationally) best-selling book Awakening the Buddha
Within, and when the modern day philosopher Ken Wilber created a genuine
world philosophy; are all signs that prove this concept to be trueThese
journal entry would be good material for a variety of personal thesiss and
essay topics, which I may write in the future, with some more complex
words added for good measure.
About Taoism: Its also known as The Way. Lao Tzu is the founding father
of the concept of Taoism. It emphasizes balance and harmony with heaven
and earth, or the Earth and the cosmos. Neither pushing nor succumbing,
neither desiring nor denying. It is a balance or equilibrium, or a contrast of
opposites. The Taoist religion is the creator of the phrase one with all things
and the concept of radical emptinesswhich is contained withinwhich are
concepts that eventually got incorporated into various doctrines of Buddhism
(which promotes altruism and the Four Noble Truths). Taoism has also had a
lot to do with creating or adding to the Dragon concept, as well as the Yin
and Yang concepts, which represent the duality of the cosmos, or universe as
some call it. Taoists believe death is simply part of the process of returning
to the spiritual heaven, which one came from, so it supposedly should
neither be feared nor desired. One thing it also emphasized is the

P a g e | 752

relationship between the microcosm, which belongs to the existence of man,

and the macrocosm, which belongs to the totality of the cosmos. I assume
this is the way of the Tao.
About the Self: I believe the self (of the sentient human realm) is an
integrated whole, constructed of many various sects which comprise the
totality of the whole. They include the self (its totality), the body, the mind,
the ego, perception, intelligence, creativity, temporality, emotions, impulses,
thoughts, ideas, and feelings. I tried to make a graph chart of these various
sects a while ago, but I couldnt get the Microsoft Excel graph-maker on this
computer to work. I fucked up, in other words, due to my computer
illiteracy.
***
This is pretty much all I have to say for now. This has been a good journal
file in my opinion.

Memories. They truly can be beautiful aspects or manifestations of human

existence. I have one wonderful recent memory in particular. Ive probably
brought this topic up already, but it was such a wonderful experience. If Ive
already stated it once, I must bring it up again. It was in my original lifedrawing class with my first life-drawing instructor, Rima Jabbur. She first
told the class about this artist who I now realize to be wonderful. His name
was William Kentridge. He is a true modern day creative genius, who is not
known by very many people in general, but apparently is known across the
world (this seems very much like a paradox, but its actually true. I didnt
know about him until Rima told the class about him, and even I knew who
Jhonen Vasquez was before Invader ZIM!). I saw Kentridges poignant
black-and-white animated films and was deeply moved by the effect of
them, just as I was deeply moved by John Lasseters early animated films he
did at Cal Arts, which he showed at the Disney Institute presentation I went
to see him at. Kentridges films were just these very deep, very silent, but
very moving animated films. Fucking masterpieces, in my opinion. They had
to be some of the most brilliant animated pieces of any kind Ive ever seen in
my life. The theme of one of them was the suffering of the African people,
and it portrayed the lives of starving people in Africa. Kentridge is white,
and his compassion is obvious. From watching the films, you get the idea
that this brilliant mans main motivation is not any kind of a political

P a g e | 753

agenda, but its purely based on the need to create and express visions as
well as feelings, a true sign of a creative artist, and that element itself is
beautiful to me. They are masterpieces in their own right, and deserve
awards. Hes given me something to aspire to and just for the sake of
creating something that gives a sense of higher beauty. The film conveys not
only pathos, but also poignant music and a sort of artistic luminosity that I
just dont see in wider known animation as often, if at all.

Adversity can make me unhappy sometimes, but, as if by routine, I always

regain hope.

I listened to two more of my borrowed Worlds 100 Greatest tapes. This

time they were on Johann Sebastian Bach and Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I
learned about all types of biblical things, such as the Virgin Mary, Jesus
being born a Jew who excelled at religious study, and his promotion of the
meek, love, forgiveness, tolerance, non-judgementalism, atonement for sins,
praying, and God. I dont believe he was ever resurrected and ascended to
Heaven though. I believe he was a wise sage regardless. I like learning about
some theological topics, religion and spirituality, even though I practice
Buddhism. Regardless of that, I still revere and borrow certain aspects of
many religions. I believe in some of the tenets Christianity teaches,
Buddhism (Mahayana, Dzogchen, and Zen), the wisdom of Taoism, the
profundity and possible power of whatever God there may be, the
interconnectedness of the Earths living mother spirit Gaia, the open
mindedness of polytheism, but also in the pragmatics of humanism in its
various forms (such as agnosticism, atheism, and pantheism), the accuracy
of evolution. I agree with Satanisms rejection of hypocrisy and forced
belief, even though the religion of Satanism itself is very cynical and selfserving, and although I think the idea of practicing and worshipping black
magic, and doing things like Wicca and worshipping any kind of dark spirit
is nonsense. I dont believe in the occult or supernatural. I believe theres a
certain amount of reasoning that has to go behind any belief, even if it is a
fallacy. I dont believe in Allah, or the Christian God. I do think there is a
universal force at work, manifesting itself through the spirit of the Earth, but
calling it God or Allah in my opinion, unless their euphemisms for
something even higher or greater, is using narrow minded categorization.
Without God or bad karma, what exactly is the motivation behind the choice
not to kill? I hope Im able to find a reason for it, because that could be

P a g e | 754

useful to the secular part of the population. That would all be part of my
theory for secular ethics. I realize Im not the first person to aspire to do
such things though.
Today in class, I was thinking about the concept of time, and once I
thought about it for a while, I realized how hard it is to really define what
time is. How do we know that time really exists? How can we see, feel, or
experience it? How do we know that what we view as manifestations of time
are not just transient moments, movements, changes in existence, and
recorded events and nothing else? How do or did we come to measure and
determine time? How are the theories of time and space correlated? How do
they relate ontologically to one another? How do we observe and determine
these various things?

Im very fascinated in learning about neurons, veins, blood, organs, bones,

muscles, the brain, and tissues.

I should start subscribing to Discover magazine.

Ive realized something. The visions, theories and works I have to offer
cannot be categorized; although Im sure people will try to do so. What I do
professionally as a creative individual cannot be classified, because it is too
cryptic and ambiguous of a field. My personality, and way of working or
thinking cannot be pigeonholed. Im sure people will try to put me in my
place in all these ways, but what I do cannot be defined. Im sure people will
try to make me seem like the pretentious hypocrite, idiot, bizarre and
egotistical fool or asshole, but I have too strong of a conviction in myself
and what I do as a person to be convinced that Im not a person of worth,
because I am. We all are. We all have various forms of worth. Perhaps Im
one of a kind, perhaps not. Im too geeky to be a freak and too casual to be a
geek. Im too spiritual to be a hardcore intellectual, and too intellectual to be
a hardcore spiritual pundit. I suppose this will create my vocation, although
it may be hard to sell myself at first. Im called and inspired by a higher
purpose, but Im not sure exactly what that higher purpose is. I try to be
more humble, because the force thats bigger than me makes me so. I am a
inventor or mystic, but only in the sense that I have a grasp of what seems to

P a g e | 755

be something new. I do not care what the world thinks of me, because I feel
that what I have to contribute is worth contributing. I have trouble getting
accepted by the people in my own hometown. Anyone within a forty mile
radius in other words, but thats okay, because I think if what I have to offer
will be discovered by a number of people, then one day I may be accepted
by society in some way. Im smart, but not in the traditionally conventional
ways. In traditional ways, Im repugnant. I didnt do that well in high school
or middle school, but Ive shown that Im able to excel in the subjects that
interest me and in pursuing my own subjects, which are not taught in school.
I will create my own theories and curriculum because it has not been
previously offered the way Id like it to. I will create what in my opinion is a
new approach to doing things. I will challenge standards and traditions. I
may never marry or have children because I think Im too caught up in my
own world to be devoted to my own family. This may sound selfish, but I
dont view it as such. I dont want to neglect loved ones Ive already
nurtured and brought into this world, but Im sure Ill enter some
relationships. I have a strong conviction in what I believe and have to offer. I
will think differently from the crowd, attempting to create something
original, which I think is what will sell my product. I will work very, very
hard, which is what may make my offering sufficient or serviceable. I wont
give up, although Ill probably face many obstacles and challenges.
According to The Millionaire Mind and the audiotape volume The Worlds
100 Greatest People, I have what it takes to become a self-made person and
a person of worth out of the 6 or so billion people on this planet. For
practicalitys sake, in all probability, chances are very slim that I ever will
become rich, famous, prolific, respected or win a single award. But there are
some accomplishments that I would like to achieve in my lifetime. They are
almost otherworldly accomplishments, but every aspiring creative person
dreams of these things. I should get in line.

Ill say it right now. I cant wait till January, when I finally resign from my
nearly two-year-long job as a courtesy clerk. I wont have as much money,
but I will have more time to do the things I love, like drawing, writing,
reading, and meditating.

When it comes to work ethic, my inspirations include Stephen King, Isaac

Asimov, Stephen Spielberg, Will Eisner, Stanley Kubrick, Yoshitaka
Amano, Leonardo da Vinci, Vincent Van Gogh, Wolfgang Amadeus

P a g e | 756

Mozart, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Johann Sebastian Bach, any great classic
philosopher, and Chuck Jones. These people are all prolific storytellers,
entertainers, thinkers, writers, or artists. Theyve created massive volumes of
work, all of it being brilliant. They are the epitomes of prolific. I want to
aspire to try to work as hard as they did or do. Ill fill up a page of writing in
this journal file, and then Ill go from there and decide what else exactly it is
that Ill do. Im definitely drawing today. My cold is really starting to clear
up. I also want to listen to some more of those 100 Greatest tapes and read a
journal folder or two of mine.

Man, I remember when I was writing in this journal during the time I got
my wisdom teeth taken out. I wish I knew when I wrote that so I could go
back, read it, and relive the moment, but I dont remember which file it was
written on!! There are so manyI wonder if Jerry Seinfeld will ever really
return to television. He did some pretty damn funny credit card commercials,
and made a hilarious short segment on the VH1 Live from New York (Sept.
11th dedication) concert.

I want to do an illustration of a skeleton with butterfly wings, perhaps to

symbolize as well as correlate both decay and liberated beauty. Maybe there
could be some kind of design in the background, like a single American flag,
blackness with a hint of luminosity and light, or flames. Im not sure, but I
like the concept so far. I would also like to combine spider legs with
something. Maybe there could be an octopus holding an umbrella with one
of its tentacles. Maybe one of my future illustrations could be a more
rendered detailed and complex one. An image just came to me that fit this
description. There would be a depiction of a room where there seems to be
no gravity, or gravity going two ways. In this room, standing on the floor
would be a man with a suit and top hat, holding a suitcase, who has chain
links comic out of his back. The chain goes up into the air and is connected
to another man who looks the same as the original one, who also has chains
connected to his back. The same chains that are connected to the other mans
back. So theyd be kind of intertwined. The only thing is that the second
man is standing on another floor thats really the ceiling. Theyre both
looking into mirrors, and there could be furniture and decorative items on
both the ceiling and the other ceiling/floor, like chairs and drawers.

P a g e | 757

Listened to three more of the Inteliquests The Worlds 100 Greatest People
audiotapes. This time, the biographies were of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
(the child and adult prodigy), Abraham Lincoln, and Claude Monet (The
inventor and leader of Impressionism and the Impressionist movement). All
very insightful, entertaining and informative tapes.

An old teacher, once said If you do a lot of different things, you become the
Jack-of-all-trades: Master of nothing. He always believed you should pick
one thing and be very good at it. Ive always disagreed with that opinion. I
draw, I write, I think, I study, I analyze, I philosophize, I create, and I do
other things. I believe this, because just look at Leonardo da Vinci, whos
quite possibly the worlds most universal genius. He excelled in at least 15
academic and creative areas, and he created countless numbers of prolific
masterpieces.

There are at least five ways to depict a single image in an artistic sense. You
can depict the human figure in such forms as a gesture, a contour, photorealism, impressionism, cartoony and simplified, in a cubist sense, or simply
according to the lines and straight lines. The interior form of a being may
perhaps remain still, but its exterior totality is constantly in a state of change.

Ive just counted and looked back over all the drawings Ive done that are
based on life from my life drawings classes Ive taken the two class seasons
with Rima Jabbur, and the one life drawing for animators class so far with
Christian Slade. Over the course of the last couple of months, not counting
the journal writings Ive done, Ive done around 225 drawings from life in
the past three of four months. Not bad. These are not counting the fun,
imaginative and cartoony sketches Ive done in the last three, four or five
months at my drawing desk in my bedroom. I could have done a lot more
drawings at home, but the times Ive been in the life drawing classes have
squeezed a lot of hard work out of me. Before I took the life drawing classes,
I had over 400 pages of journal writing done. Theres just so much of it. I
cant even imagine how much more artwork Id of have finished by now if I
werent writing in this journal so much, but writing in this journal has been

P a g e | 758

worth it very much. Its very rewarding to do a lot of work, if you have
talent at the type of work you do.

Ive already decided that I want my first area of study and career choice to
be animation, the illusion of life. But after I make a career for myself in
animation, I may study comic books and illustration after that, learning how
to put more detail into a single image and creating sequential art, learning
such things as penciling, inking, coloring with Photoshop, writing comicbook scripts, and lettering. After that Ill probably pursue one or some of the
following: novel and book writing (novels, lyrics, poetry, essays,
philosophy, academic subjects, current events, culture, etc.), film, and more
art, but it will be the most challenging art of all. Ill eventually try to study
fine art with some effort. When Im study fine art, if this happens, Im sure
Ill work in various mediums. Ill do such things as life drawing, landscapes,
portraits, take art history, art and life drawing classes. Ill try to attend
various colleges taking various life-drawing classes as well as visit many
museums. There are good art museums all across the world. Ill try to work
in such mediums as painting, charcoal, pens, pastels, colored pencils,
watercolors, pencils, and regular pencils. Ill be drawing a lot more than I
am now. Im being lazy currently. In the future, Im going to read and study
a whole boatload of fine art books. Ill get books about some artists in
particular. So far, they are Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Vincent Van
Gogh, Claude Monet, Norman Rockwell, Dean Cornwell, Pablo Picasso,
Salvador Dali, Gustav Klimt, Edgar Degas, Ingres, Harry Carmean, Thomas
Eakins, and Pierre-Paul Prudhon. These are the masters. It would do me
good to study them. Ill be able to see what real talent is like.

I listened to more of the Worlds 100 Greatest People tapes. Three more.
This time it was Moses, Michelangelo, and Raphael. And that concludes the
Artists section. Ive listened to all the tapes that talk about artists, and have
learned about the masters of expression, storytelling, light, shadow, and
form, among other things. Ill probably move onto the rest of the composers
next. Have already listened to some of those.

I didnt go to school today. It turns out that my parents decided I have a

sinus infection. I thought it was just headaches, but its always in the same

P a g e | 759

spot, which is the near the center of my temple. This is where my two
eyebrows nearly come into contact with each other, or perhaps come close to
intersecting.
I dont understand why some people get all into that celebrity worship
thing. Some people really view celebrities as gods. Ozzy Osbourne is a good
example of this. Some messed up people worship Ozzy, even though hes
lapped up piss, chewed on bats, defecated on the floor of a hotel room, lived
the life of a drug addict and alcoholic, and bitten off the head of a bloody
pigeon. Thats too freaking frocking to be any type of a god. Celebrities can
be just as flawed and unhappy as you or me, the common people. Im a
common person. Sure I occasionally talk about theories of the universe, the
cosmos, my different kinds of analysis on form, ontological observations,
portrayal of beauty, humanitarian values, and spirituality, but I still consider
myself just another regular guy. I have a gift for absorbing some kinds of
knowledge, as well as perception, and Im very thankful for it. Im an
intelligent guy, but after listening to those Worlds 100 Greatest People
tapes, I realize Im nowhere close to reaching the zenith that is universal
genius. Im not at that level. My intellect and ability only exists on a much
lower level.

Worked on my web design course some more today. I think Im doing well
in that class. Now Ill probably go meditate, read, and most likely draw.

Ive been listening to more of those Worlds 100 Greatest People tapes. This
time I listened to the stories of George Washington, Confucius, Abraham,
and The Apostle Paul. Im not going to write much, for the sake of being
able to draw more tonight. Drawing more and drawing earlier. Im
embracing these things. Confucius and Lao-Tzu were both sages as well as
wandering geniuses. Perhaps they were a few of the people who came the
closest to crossing the line between man and god. Theyre certainly better
than Ozzy Osbourne.

As long as Ive been alive, Ive had to face obstacles. Theyve all come in
one form or another. Whether its that kid in my neighborhood, standing in
the street, that gives me the finger as I travel by in the caralmost as if

P a g e | 760

theyre trying to test me and evoke equal hatred from me. I wont let them
win though. I wont give into anger, ill will, malice and hatred the
countless number of classmates who have called me a fag or faggot because
they dont like me for one reason or another, the neighbors who view me as
the black sheep and outcast, the teacher who deep down thinks Im an idiot,
the friends who never speak to me or call me anymore, the boss and
coworkers who loath me and despise my guts, the people on the street who
only see me for a brief moment, yet still assume Im crazy, bizarre, stupid,
demented or ugly and give me dirty looks just for being different, or my
fellow artists who think me pretentious, it seems that during my entire life
Ive faced obstacles, but I take these obstacles, make examples of them,
refute them, and learn the unimportant nature of them. I know that what I
have to say is things of worth or value and that I dont have a big ego,
because my ability was not personified through me simply because of me.
Im driven by the conviction that what Im doing is right, and Im driven by
the higher purpose thats more important and profound than I could ever
hope to be. Most people would say fuck em. I feel predilections to say that
very thing sometimes, but the more profound predilection tells me to love
them, feel compassion for them, and thank them for helping me learn to
develop compassion and tolerance. This is amazing. Even when I, the writer
of my writing feels uneasy, misunderstood, depressed or angry, I can look at
my artwork that Ive created or read my writing, and it calms me, comforts
me, soothes me, as well as inspires me. Im amazed by this, because Id be
the last one to think that my own work could have this kind of healing effect
on a person as bizarre as my, as weird as I. The substance of some of it has
nearly brought me to tears and made me question and be skeptical as to
whether Im the one who actually created it and manifested it. I find some
other peoples work just as beautiful, if not more so. For a guy who used to
draw robot barbers, Ive come a long way. After coming this far, in my
view, Ive still managed to respect the spirit of my original creative vision,
and that in and of itself is a miracle. After all this time, I started thinking
about life and death, and many other things, some poignant, some not so
poignant. All of them are creative, and I try to make as much work as I
possibly can.

Was just at the drawing table. I was actually drawing with some effort this
time, and the amazing thing is that I still have two and a half hours left to
draw even more, if I want to. I just did a new drawing. In my opinion it was
a breakthrough. Judging by the level of realism, it reminded me of a

P a g e | 761

Renaissance drawing, probably because it was based on one of the works of

one of the last Renaissance artists, but one of the first Romanticists. I did a
pencil made artistic interpretation or recreationIm not sure whichof a
Eugene Delacroix drawing which I did not trace. For a long time now, Ive
avoided tracing at all costs, and still do avoid it. I did not act to happy after I
finished it, though, because I had a different mindset. Based on my previous
work, it far surpasses nearly every drawing Ive done up until that one, but
on a Renaissance artists level, or an 1800s level, its a piece of crap. I was
fascinated by what the drawing though. Just as with a writer, every word
must tell, with an artist, every line must show and express a certain kind of
energy. Every line in this drawing did express an energy and spirit. The
portrait I drew clearly expressed an emotion, a real emotion, real pathos,
which I havent seen in any of my previous drawings. It expressed a true
feeling. It was almost as if you could see the mans soul through the
drawing, and that is what I find amazing. I just had to run to this word
processor and write about it, because I havent done something like this
before. It kind of got me thinking also. Renaissance artists were influenced
and trained by other artists of that time period as well. That brought me to
my assumptive conclusion. If you want to draw like a Renaissance artist,
you have to think like a Renaissance artist, and I dont know many postmodern or extremely contemporary artists who can claim this, especially in
the fields of animation and sequential art. I have proof for this. Just look at
the Side7.com website and see how horrible about 70%, 80% or 90% of the
artwork on the site is, and yet I check it almost daily for some reason. What
can I say? I like to see other peoples artwork or any kind, be it good or bad.

I think Ill go write some hand written essays, meditate, and then read some.
Perhaps Ill draw some more, but I seriously doubt Ill be able to top the
drawing I did earlier tonight though. Im always looking to ascend to
transcendence over my preexisting artistic boundaries, regardless.

P a g e | 762

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 47

P a g e | 763

October 2001

Its Halloween today.

I was just, not to long ago, listening to more of those Worlds 100 Greatest
People audiotapes. Ive finished the Artists sections and am about to finish
the section of musicians, all composers. So far today, Ive listened to the
stories of Peter Tchaikovsky, George Frideric Handel, and Frederic Chopin.

So far, it seems like I draw in all types of different styles, realistic, cartoon,
abstract, and so much more. I do all kinds of different designs as well. Ill
probably do animated projects and comic books in all kinds of different
styles too. Im still experimenting with different looks. Today in class, I
wrote about four pages of writing on different things. Some for assignments.
Some for fun. I would have done five, to, if we didnt have to do the Edgar
Allen Poe worksheet and had to fill up a journal page with writing instead.
Last night, I wrote a short essay about the topic of truth. I read it over and it
was wonderful. I loved it. In class today, I wrote three pages of writing. One
as a creative exercise, talking about my impression for the painting by Grant
Wood called American Gothic, a one page biography on William
Shakespeare, and a one page argumentative essay on the topic of choosing
colleges, which could have been better, but the first two things I wrote were
really good in my opinion.

I guess sometimes when Im living in America, as I see the low moral and
low moral standards of my fellow citizens, I sometimes forget what a truly

P a g e | 764

great nation I live in and how lucky I am to live here. I may be adopted, but
at least Im able to have found a family that truly loves me, despite our
occasional ups and downs in the past. My parents told me not to long ago
that one of the only things they knew about my biological parents was that
my mother was white. I dont know what race my father was, but I honestly
dont really care, because thats such an unimportant issue compared to
other things in my life. My race may always remain a mystery until the day I
die, but my humanity and my spirit shall not, and if theres a God, I thank
him/her/it every night for that, or at least I think about doing so. I meditated
some last night, and after I finished, thats the most relaxed Ive felt in a
long time.

Im fascinated by art in general and the history of art. I like art. I think there
are four different types of national arts that I like the most. They are
European art, American art, Japanese art, and South American art. These
countries have a lot of the best, most prolific, most renowned and most
famous artists in the world. Im still trying to research the history of
American art and its origins. The first genius American artists were
European artists that emigrated here from Europe after the Renaissance and
lived during the Colonial period and the Civil War, who were responsible for
all those amazing photo-realistic portraits of American political leaders and
generals. You can see much Renaissance influence in those paintings. And
the Colonialist artist influenced the American realist movement, hence
Norman Rockwell, Dean Cornwell, Thomas Eakins, etc. These artists
influenced, but were transcended in innovation by even more creative
modern contemporary artists doing Abstract art and all kinds of things.
Modern artists, such as Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dali, and Andy Warhol.
Now American creative people, artists, writers and directors especially, are
recognized worldwide. And they influence other creative people worldwide
as well. Maybe I can join the group of famous creative people one day. If
youre one of the richest people in America, youre one of the richest people
in the entire world. The multi-millionaire Bill Gates is now the richest
person in the world. Who knows? Anything can happen nowadays.

Im not sure what else to write about. Perhaps I should move onto drawing
instead of more writing. Ive noticed something. Its kind of weird. Im like
an information sponge. I do well in the areas that interest me, but horrible in
the areas Im not interested in. For me, just about anything that can improve

P a g e | 765

my knowledge, enlighten my intellect, or amaze me is a resource.

Everything from indie comics to physics to ontology to fine art. I absorb it
all, and in a way, theres nothing that influences me the most. I am
influenced by a multitude of things. I read Lao Tzus Te Tao Ching, Ken
Wilbers One Taste, The Millionaire Mind, Tuesdays With Morrie, my art
book about Eugene Delacroix and Gustav Klimt, The Art of Happiness about
the Dalai Lama, Awakening the Buddha Within, the American Heritage
Dictionary, Blade of the Immortal, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering
Genius, watched the Akira, Sixth Sense and Ghost in the Shell DVDs, looked
at Tim Burtons artwork, read Stephen Kings On Writing book, The
Elements of Style, listened to Mozart, visited the Great Thinkers and
Visionaries site and other thoughtful websites a countless number of times,
and these things all influenced me in one way or another, all while I was
constantly drawing, thinking, and writing. Everything from my thought
process to my outlook to my style is influenced by a plethora of resources.

Just listened to two more of the audio biographies. Richard Wagner and
Johannes Brahms. Thus this concludes the Composers section of The 100
Greatest People of All Time. So Ive listened all the artist and composer
biographies. Now on this volume, what I have left is the religious leaders,
political leaders, and military leaders. After that, Im finished.

November 2001
I was in the bathroom earlier today after school, having a bowel movement,
when my brother walked up to the door that I was behind.
You in there Joe? He said.
Yeah I said.
You takin a shit? he inquired.
Yes.
He groaned in disgust, then walked off.

After I got out of school today, I went with my dad to the comic book store
and bought a whole boatload of comics today. Precisely twenty bucks worth.
I bought Bone, Giant Sized Powers Annual, a Kabuki art book, Oh My
Goddess!, Hopeless Savages, and Hepcats, which I havent started reading

P a g e | 766

until I bought that issue today. Its good living in America, where your dad
will give you a $20 bill, which you pay back later, to buy 6 whole comic
books to add to your already huge fucking stack of comic books/drawing
reference material.

Listened to one more of my Worlds 100 Greatest People tapes. This time it
was on Saint Augustine, a Christian philosopher and theologian.
About success in this country: As Ive gained more experience, Ive
discovered something I believe. I believe in this theory whole-heartedly. I
believe that an individual who has a strong sense of self has a good chance
of being an extremely successful person in this country. One of the best,
most respected, most successful, and highest paid people out of anyone in
this nation. You have to have certain traits, though. I believe if a person is
creative, pragmatic, tenacious, open to constructive criticism but not willing
to listen to the flat out insults, innovative, has unique ideas to offer, works
hard, believes in a greater or higher purpose, and has great conviction in
their cause, is talented, offers a unique product, and gets along with people, I
honestly think they have an extremely strong chance of becoming extremely
successful in this country, both creatively and economically. Mental and
physical obstacles as well as lack of money wont stop someone who is
resilient and has a strong conviction. This is how all the millionaires and
celebrities in our country were built. Libraries are free, business
administration courses are not as expensive at community colleges, and the
Internet only costs a small fee once a month for a plethora of free
information at ones fingertips. Heres the research and evidence to support
my theory: Judd Winnick had to live in his parents house after he graduated
art school and was unable to find a publisher who would publish his comic
strips, before he got to become a cartoonist or ended up on The Real World
and became a celebrity who also did the Pulitzer Prize-nominated Pedro &
Me, who is now working for Oni Press. Jim Mahfood made mini-comics
before he broke into mainstream publishing and got the breakout role
illustrating Kevin Smiths best-selling Clerks comic. Steven Spielberg had to
sneak onto a film studio lot to get his early films seen, which got him a job
as a film director. Kevin Smith dropped out of college, used all his money
that would have went for finishing film school, as well as drained his bank
account, just to be able to finance his hit indie film, Clerks. M. Night
Shyamalan got his films entered at the Sundance Film Festival, which got
him an agent, which subsequently lead to his gig on The Sixth Sense, which
grossed over $700 million worldwide. Before Jewel got a record contract

P a g e | 767

and became a megastar, she had to live in her car for a while, eating nothing
but the only food she was able to find, which made her very close to staying
in poverty. Tim Burton, whos directed some $100 million or more grossing
films, started out as a Disney animator, but did a short film called Vincent.
People saw his vision and talent, thus getting him other film gigs, which lead
to his first blockbuster, Pee-Wees Big Adventure. Stephen King taught high
school English and lived a lower middle class lifestyle until he sold his first
novel manuscript, Carrie, which became a bestseller, subsequently making
him wealthy andlater on, at one pointthe highest paid writer in the
world. Tom Green did a low budget local show on a cable access show in
Canada, before MTV found him and hired him, brought him to New York,
and thus The Tom Green Show was born. Dave Eggers started out a rejected
applicant for The Real World on MTV, but wrote A Heartbreaking Work of
Staggering Genius, which became a Pulitzer Prize nominee and national
bestseller sensation. J.K. Rowling was a single mother who was barely
making any money at all, but she started writing a little book titled Harry
Potter and the Sorcerers Stone, which was originally rejected by every
single publisher she approached, until Scholastic decided to publish it, and
the series became a worldwide best-selling sensation and phenomenon that
changed the entire publishing world, instantly turning Rowling into a multimillionaire celebrity. Lama Surya Das, the most highly trained American
lama and author of the best-selling Awakening the Buddha Within, started
out as a wandering spiritual seeker, who basically had no money the entire
time he was searching, had to hitchhike across Asia until he found Tibetan
monasteries and became a skilled monk who now is a world renowned
western Dharma teacher. Vincent Van Gogh sold only 1 painting during the
entire time he was alive. Now his work is some of the most sought after and
valuable artwork in the world, and he is recognized as a supreme genius,
which he is. The list goes on and on. These are all examples of people who
were tenacious, resilient, had strong convictions for their abilities, and did
not give up when things got very tough. They all won out in the end, except
maybe Van Gogh.

Ive decided that Im definitely drawing today. Ill probably listen to more of
those tapes as well.

Perhaps if I were to choose a life of contemplationwhich on a certain level

is a thing Ive already chosen to doof the quiet nature, a life of fame

P a g e | 768

would not jive well with the contemplation part. I dont need a lot of people
to tell me that Im brilliant, funny, deep, wise, spiritual or a genius. Having
one or two people say that to me makes me feel good enough. And even
from one or two people, the compliments are not necessary. All you really
need is the encouragement.

In my Life Drawing For Animators class last night at the Winter Park
Crealde School of Art, Christian Slade, my art teacher

Slades website gave me some good advice about how to approach analyzing
my own work. Ill be sure to utilize as much of the advice he gave me as I
can. His website is just okay, but as far as draftsmanship goes, he is brilliant.
He can draw a lot better than I can, but yet he says hes at no higher level
then the rest of his students. The only thing is, he does ithe drawsa lot!
My gesture drawings that I did in his class look really crappy, but thats
okay, because I have only just recently started drawing from life, portraying
nude models and whatnot. I must remember what hes taught me about
rhythm and S-curves in a drawing. That will be useful. Even the Renaissance
masters and Romanticists who lived hundreds of years ago used a lot of Scurves in their drawings. Its important to be good at spotting rhythm and
line quality. I also need to work on not going over the same line stroke over
and over again. I should try to get to the point where I get the basic idea of a
construction line for my gesture drawing down in one swoop. This will be a
good trait to attempt to perfect before I start going to college, which isnt too
far off from now. Im resigning from my job this coming January and Im
starting college near the end of next year.

I look at the arts and entertainment of today, and I wonder how respected
the creative people of today will be tomorrow. Will people see Seinfeld fifty
or so years from now and look at it in the same way that people look back on
I Love Lucy now, being on TV Land, in history books, and whatnot. The 90s
is already done and passed. Generations X and Y will one day grow up, and
I too will grow up with them. In a way, Im right between X and Y, me
being born in 1983, which is very near where Generation Y starts.

P a g e | 769

I was watching a PBS show that featured narrations of some of the poems
which were written by T.S. Elliot. I was captivated by the poetic eloquence
and intelligence of them. Sheer brilliance. As I watched the images on the
television, my eyes drew closer together and closed briefly. I was lost in the
divine moment, and then it was just my deep breathing. The breathing paced
rhythmically. In. Out. In. Out. For a short time, I forgot who I was and what
I was. What I was doing and why I was doing it. There was just the
breathing. Yes I knew somewhere in the back of my mind what was
happening, but my mind felt clear and pure. My heart felt pure. How radiant
it felt in its purity, for surely this is what the philosophical essence of beauty
is. The beauty I felt was not knowing myself and knowing myself all at the
same time. That is a paradox, or perhaps not. I just heard poetry so I seem to
speak in poetry right now. I think if I ever do one day become enlightened,
Id probably never admit it or acknowledge it. I dont think Id ever be ready
to live up to that title. I am nowhere close to being an enlightened American
Buddhist sage. I still get angry, depressed, and sad sometimes; just like
everyone else.

My brother just read me some recent quotes from Will Smith in an interview
he did. He certainly has an enormous and vast ego. He believes hes one of
the best actors of all time. This coming from the guy who used to play the
Fresh Prince, and who did that commercial turkey, Independence Day. I can
name at least five other actors who can act five times better than he can, who
arent egotistical enough to say something that pretentious.

Just listened to two more of The Worlds 100 Greatest. This time, it was the
stories of the religious archetypes Muhammad who was the founder of
Islam, and Thomas Aquinas who was a leading Christian philosopher.

I think even after I have submitted my art portfolio to various colleges, if my

parents allow, Ill seek more instruction for the sake of learning. I want to
learn drawing for the sake of learning drawing, not because Im trying to
show off my work or my personal ability. I dont want to impress. That
would be pretentious. I want to create. I enjoy making creative works and
telling stories. I believe this should not only be the ideal of myself, but the
ideal of any artist that desires nobility.

P a g e | 770

My brother and parents were arguing again. I felt really bad to hear them
argue, because my brother is truly apathetic and insincere towards my
parents and doesnt care if he hurts them. Or maybe he does care, but he
doesnt realize how much he hurts them sometimes. They were really
screaming very loudly earlier tonight before mom went to bed, and to hear
the suffering in moms voice really hurt me. Hearing my mothers anguish
hurt me. I felt vulnerable. I wanted to cry. I hate hearing my own mother in
anguish. I tried not to let it bother me too much, so I listened to my Mozart
CD and drew while it happened, trying to tune it out of my perception, but to
no avail. It still came in loud and clear. And the worst thing is that I cant do
anything about it. If I get involved, Andy will just unleash his anger on me.

My brother is not religious and he definitely lacks morals. He leaves

something to be desired in his heart area, but he is loyal to his girlfriend
Jinnel, even though my parents believe he uses all the women he says he
loves. Im not going to say anything. Ive stopped enjoying speaking harshly
about anyone, regardless of who they are. Ive heard him say and do some
horrible uncompassionate things to people. He usually not physically violent
except to the people that start fights with and verbally harass him out in the
real world, but he can be extremely verbally violent when provoked, often
even for the most minute reason. I prayed for him in the midst of their
argument. When I feel like the situation is hopeless, when my brothers gone
off the deep end, even though I do have doubts about Gods existence and
still agree with certain aspects of agnosticism, I prayed to whatever God may
exist. For my whole family, I think. I prayed to God that they may find
peace of mind and do not quarrel so much. I prayed in hopes that they would
get along. Because Ive seen what they can do to each other, the hurt we can
all cause each otherI hurt my parents emotionally, too, sometimes, when I
neglect my drawing for long amounts of time, which upsets them a lotI
avoid raising my voice to any of them, at all costs, even when Dad or Andy
will sometimes yell at me if I accidentally say something to upset them. I
will not yell back, though. I think the universal order has a certain duality,
and I believe we humans as well as all sentient beings disturb the individual
duality that surrounds ourselves when we speak harshly to one another and
especially when we raise our voices, similar to the karmic system of
Buddhism. I think there is some universal order that is always at work in the
universe. Im not certain. Im not a sage. Sages are more knowledgeable

P a g e | 771

about these types of things, about heaven, God, rebirth, karma, and whatnot.
And about the universal order. The Buddha and Lao Tzu stumbled upon the
totality of the cosmos and universal order, and then told the world what they
had discovered. They knew a lot more than I do. If there is a God, I dont
want to waste the creative and analytical abilities that God gave me. I dont
want to keep quiet about the wisdom of selflessness, compassion, Dharma,
the Tao or cosmic order because if we know about something beneficial and
dont tell the world about it, we are depriving the world of wisdom and
intellect. Either Eastern wisdom or God concepts could be correct. Maybe
both could be correct. By serving the world, whether through action or
through creativity, I also hope to serve God or whatever higher purpose I
may be on this planet for. I must serve my fellow human beings by treating
others in a manner Id want to be treated in or even better than the manner
Id want to be treated in.

Had some extra time when I got up this morning before school, so Im
writing in this journal a teensy bit. I wont be able to write much though.

Got out of school and am now chilling at home. Ive come to a decision on
something. Im sure this has been said hundreds of times over: Size is
relative. It depends completely on contrast. Its tough to explain, but easy to
understand. Without enormity and vastness, there can be no microcosm.
Without infinity, there cannot be nothingness. Big cannot exist without small
to contrast to. Small cannot exist without big to contrast to. This suffices for
a type of duality. On another note, quantum mechanics and general relativity
cannot exist simultaneously. This is where string theory comes into play,
because it integrates the two theories into a single whole, thus helping us to
come closer to understanding the underlying nature of the cosmos, which is
an enigma which has been puzzling thinkers and physicists for centuries. I
read the first chapter out of The Elegant Universe, even though I havent
really started reading the book yet, and it gives some pretty insightful
analysiss and interpretations on string theory, which is a relatively new
theory in the course of human knowledge, and Brian Greene believes it
would have been Albert Einsteins dream come true. Einstein introduced the
theory of Relativity, but string theory may actually turn out to have far
surpassed that theory. Thats the thing about science. It typically does not
stagnate. It multiplies and evolves, strengthens and expands, much like some
forms of matter, organisms, andoftenform itself.

P a g e | 772

Before I wrote in this journal, I listened to two more of the The Worlds 100
Greatest People biographies. This time on Martin Luther, the religious
leader who started Protestantism, and John Calvin, who made Protestantism
much larger than it started out being. The stories about men of God and men
of the Universal are awe-inspiring. A lot of these biographies are very epic
and dramatic.

For government, I think history has proven that its important to introduce
reform when necessary. Reform should be instigated by individuals who
have profound visions and seemingly endless compassion. Individuals such
as Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, The Dalai Lama, Abraham
Lincoln, Martin Luther, and Confucius. The government should be the first
to legally exact the theories of less suffering and less mutiny or injustice.
Yes, I do sometimes have universal visions, theories, and ideas, which have
been influenced by great people throughout history and contemporary
culture. But I never claimed to be a saint, sage, prophet, or visionary. I am
not any of these things. I admit to having a small amount of high intellect,
but nothing more.

The great thinkers of the past and present are the ones who inspired me to at
least try to do great things that have worth, and if I keep up my writing and
drawing in the way Im doing them now, I may achieve great things one day.
It may not happen in my lifetime, though. Ill just have to see if I get
published and what types of jobs I have.

Listened to more of the 100 Greatest tapes. Ive now finished the religious
leaders section and have already moved onto the political leaders section.
This time I heard the biographies of Joseph Smith and Constantine The
Great.

If I want to be successful creatively, I have to learn to observe people,

including the ones I dont know. Not sure what else to write about currently.
Maybe Ill go watch television with my mother or read some. I feel very

P a g e | 773

wise, but right now I feel very bored and very uninspired. I believe Ill
persevere regardless.

This Sunday, if the weather permits, and if Florida doesnt get hit by a
hurricane, Ill most likely be going with my parents to see Phil and Christine
and tour another art school. That should be cool. It will be my first time
touring an art college. Should be exciting.

I watched some television with mom. We were watching Providence. I like

snuggling under the covers of a king size bed in my collared t-shirt and
khaki shorts opposite my mother to watch TV. I see nothing wrong with this.
Its a mother/child innocent bonding moment. Now Im going to go to bed
soon. Im starting to get tired. I probably wont be able to think of much else
to write about. My bed seems welcoming and warm. So gentle and
accepting, which subsequently leads to the realm of slumber, consequently
integrating into dreams and whatnot. Sleep truly is a brilliant thing. Its
tough to remember when youre awake, but brilliant when you experience it.
Spiritual action is brilliant in its totality as well. These two things are
wonderful to feel. Im not sure if Im any kind of a spiritual genius. I think
there are a couple different kinds of genius that people can be. Analytical,
creative, spiritual, and perceptive. Maybe there is a Tao or duality of sleep.
Perhaps I could coin a bunch of terms to describe sleep. The Tao of sleep.
The Duality of sleep. The totality of sleep. The macrocosm of sleep. Realm
of the subconscious, or one step below consciousness. The list can go on and
on. Im not exactly sure how or if my writing attained elegance or depth.
Maybe it was from reading other peoples writing that was equally or much
more sturdy. Maybe I just picked it up from reading the works of great
writers and thinkers. I never became a good writer alone. I owe a lot of my
writing ability to all the writers and thinkers who have influenced my style
and ideas. Ive been thinking. Maybe the Buddhist path is not for everybody.
Ive found it suitable for myself, though. Its worked for me thus far.
Perhaps if I spread the word of the Buddha Dharma and the difficulty of
suffering, some other people will find it helps them as well. I know its
helped a lot of people, but I have yet to see it help people directly related to
my social life.

P a g e | 774

I like reading Pulitzer and Nobel Prize-nominatedor winning

literature, because it has something to say. It doesnt say a lot of things about
nothing, like nearly every show on television or the vast majority of modern
movies. Literature and true art have significance. I like things that have a
concrete message. If its art for arts sake, but the execution is done well
with concrete aesthetics, then thats good also. I like well-done artistic
entertainment. Often if something is as basic as actually being well done,
that can make it innovative, because there is so much creative work out
there without any substance. If a piece of work has good aesthetics and
substance, but is also not boring or prosaic, then that definitely impresses
me. This is because a lot of entertainment has either one or the other, which
is sad. True quality entertainment is actually a very rare find. I one day hope
to make quality entertainment that would have a decent amount of
patronage. I probably sound overly ambitious here, and I doubt it will
happen, but it would be nice if it did.

I listened to a lot more of the 100 Greatest biographies today. This time they
featured Charlemagne, Queen Elizabeth I, Oliver Cromwell, and Benjamin
Franklin. I enjoyed the Benjamin Franklin biography the most. It just kind of
made me smile. All the biographies Ive heard so far are very inspiring,
showing what great things individual people can achieve. I also read one of
my now-old journal files.

Im starting to wonder where Ill find room for all of my future journal
folders. By the time Im 25, I may have over 200 or 300. That will take up a
lot of file space.

Today Ive listened intently and am still listeningto some of the most
powerful and innovative modern rock masterpieces of my times. The Whos
Tommy album and Queens Greatest Hits. The Beatles 1 is a spectacular
album also. Got a feeling twenty-one is going to be a good year. Mozart,
Beethoven, and Bach are amazing as well.
Ive realized something. Peoplespecifically artists and writerscomplain
all the time about not having enough inspiration. I believe the truth is that

P a g e | 775

inspiration never does run out. Its all over the place. Ideas lie in hiding
everywhere. Its just a matter of finding them. The great masters of western
art and literature, people like Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Vincent Van
Gogh, Picasso, Salvador Dali, Norman Rockwell, Thomas Eakins, Claude
Monet, Edgar Degas, William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, Edgar Allen
Poe, and Mark Twain never ran out of inspiration, and in turn created
massive amounts of work. That is because they could not stop thinking about
their work, and kept producing, even when they produced what was in their
opinion mediocre work. The thing is they did not judge or be overly critical.
They did not become too attached or fall in love with specific parts of their
work. It seems as if they were much more in love with the joy of creating,
rather than what they created or how recognized they became. I need to be
like that. The good thing is that I already am with my writing. I write and
read constantly, am constantly observing and thinking new things to write,
and I write even when I am not inspired to do some. In turn, some beautiful
things have come forth from this immense amount of effort. How could they
not? Anyone who works as hard and puts in as much heart as I do can
achieve the same results, or at least I would like to presume. Im filled with
old and stale ideas. I say very few things that havent been said before over
the course of history, but at least I have given the effort. I do say old things
in new ways however. I should go to bed earlier than I do, despite how late I
used to stay up in my earlier years. I dont care if I stayed up for 24 hours
when I was a freshman in high school. It made me neurotic. I should be
staying up no later than 10:00 p.m., so that I may sleep peacefully. I was
reading the work of Ludwig Wittgenstein earlier tonight after I listened to
the tapes. The genius about him was that he was so intelligent in both math
and philosophy that it when you read his writing, compared to what kind of
literature is produced by the majority of authors now, its like youre reading
his thoughts that are coming directly from his brain, manifested through his
authentic cerebral being. What he speaks about is so universal and so
complex, its as if youre reading an entirely different language. Perhaps
something of an extraterrestrial domain. Maybe Im an extraterrestrial,
which is maybe the reason Im able to analyze some of these apparently
staggeringly involving things I speak of, like ontology and whatnot.

Thats it. Im an alien. That should explain everything. Im an alien and I

belong to a separate race of beings entirely who do not exist in this universe,
but in some other more far off universe.

P a g e | 776

Attending high school, a private school, has made life a lot easier than it was
when I was going to public school. With no homework at Center and an
individual-tailored academic curriculum, I have an easier time getting good
grades, plus I have more time to dedicate to the pursuing my various creative
explorations, and get a lot better at writing and drawing in the process. I feel
flat out lucky compared toand sorry for some other not-so-lucky kids
attending more traditional, public high schools. I feel very fortunate for the
freedom to pursue creativity, wisdom, knowledge, and contemplation. With
all this free time, Im already living the life of a professional creative person.
Adult society often wants to flush the creative energy and spirit out of all
people as they grow into adulthood. When youre a small child, its perfectly
fine to act goofy, crazy, and creative, but as you get farther away from
childhood, the more you show predilection towards the traits you embraced
as a child, the more you are considered bizarre, abnormal, inappropriate or
weird. Its as if society expects you to embrace being interested in things
like sex, cars, money, sports, beer, relationships, left-brained thinking, badly
written entertainment like sitcoms and bad movies, and pop music. Its not
considered normal for forthcoming adults to embrace things like
compassion, underground entertainment,
the
artistic
lifestyle,
intellectualism, philosophy and the like. Its almost as if out in the real
world, being kind, as well as thinking differently than or being different
from the crowd is looked down upon, and yet it seems like the people who
embrace the latter lifestyle run the world.

November 2001

Im drawing extra early today, probably before 2:30 or 3:00 today, but first
Im going to write a little bit, read one of my journal files, and listen to one
of the audio tapes.

Drew some yesterday (gesture drawings of some of Christian Slades

sketches), and it turned out good. Some of the drawings I did were kind of
crappy, but theyre still better than my old drawings in the fact that Im
drawing in a much looser, aesthetic and relaxed manner.

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That movie K-PAX got some good reviews, but a lot of really bad reviews.
The commercial, however, really sells the movie. Thats weird. It ended up
being the #1 movie in America, and I think it may have been because of one
intelligent and memorable Kevin Spacey quote in the television commercial.
Youre protysoloan has been worth the trip. A very clever quote indeed.
The thing is that the rest of the movie is probably nothing like that. Ill bet
they just used a big word to lure people to go see the movie. Thats what I
find weird. My theory is that so many movies now lack intellectualism that
one big word in a single movie was enough to make it the number one
grossing movie for a single week in Americathe entertainment capital of
the world. I honestly believe that the general public has been looking for a
smart or clever movie. Maybe Ill be the one who will be able to write a
smart screenplay, which I will get an opportunity to direct and turn into a
smart movie. I am known to occasionally use intellectual or analytical
words. Im not sure if the general public likes smart movies, but Im sure the
critics do. The last smart moment I remember seeing in a film was some of
the dialogue at the beginning of Kevin Smiths epic theological comedy
Dogma, but more specifically the pseudo-atheistic argument either Bartleby
or Lokey expounds upon at the beginning of the film. That was some good
filmmaking.

I listened to more of the 100 Greatest biographies. Thomas Jefferson and

Catherine The Great.

Im only going to write for about 15, 30 minutes or so, and then I go straight
into either drawing or listening to more audiotapes and then drawing. Im
not going to procrastinate until late this evening, when its too late and Im
too tired. The only thing is that now that Im really organizing my writing
time, I cant seem to think of much to write about.

Ive kept track of my writing portfolio in school, as well as the one at home,
and I have more random essays Ive written at school than I do at home. Im
having trouble thinking up fresh topics to write about. In my writing
portfolio at school, I have precisely 58 pages that Ive written so far in the
past 3 months that Ive attended the new school-year so far (One of my

P a g e | 778

favorite topics being Stepping Outside The Self), not counting the backs of
pages, journal pages at school, my writing portfolio at home, or journal file
pages on this computer, all of which I have done a lot of in each so far.

I think pretty soon, or at the end of the school year, I should make a total
number of drawings and pages of writing that I did in a 6 or 7 month time
period. If I drew and wrote every day with at least an hour devoted to each,
Id have a lot of work to show! More than a lot of people my age. I listened
to more of those 100 Greatest tapes and Ive already finished the political
leaders section. That went by very fast. This time I listened to the stories of
Susan B. Anthony, Winston Churchill, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. I did
draw earlier tonight, as a matter of fact. More than I usually have in the past.
I dont think Im going to write on this word processor much more, unless I
think of something irrefutably important to write about. Ill probably go do
something like listen to more tapes, draw some more, or something else
instead.

I post on the Oni Press forum quite often, or at least by my standards.

Theres this British guy who always posts there, who goes by the name or
alias of Kenickie. I saw his website. Hes actually a very intelligent student
of sociology. I read some of his essays and they seem pretty brilliant.
Theyre a lot longer individually than the one page hand-written essays I
write for fun. I think hes very familiar with my message board alias, The
Ugly One, although if I ever become an employee/artist working for Oni, Ill
probably change my alias to something else.

I must draw a lot earlier today. Im not going to wait until after five, like
yesterday. And I want to do a lot of drawing as well. I must make an effort
not to judge my drawings while Im drawing a whole shit-load of them, hate
any of the bad ones too much, or fall in love with any of them while Im
doing a rapid-fire amount of drawings.

This is amazing. I did a full hours worth of gesture drawings without really
stopping, and I did three whole pages filled up with small and fluid
drawings, even though I started later than I hoped to. Way later.

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Also, I finished the entire (second) volume of The Worlds 100 Greatest
People. So I finally finished this entire volume, which was 50 biographies in
all during the course the past couple weeks. I heard the stories of Alexander
The Great, Julius Caesar, William The Conqueror, Genghis Khan, Napoleon
Bonaparte, Robert E. Lee, and Dwight D. Eisenhower, which concludes the
military leaders section and the entire second volume.
Im going to bed soona couple minutes past tenwhich to me is early.
All I do is think of the Benjamin Franklin quote., PhEial rallysoto
cab
lle
edd,meearolny tthoe
hone today. I feel good about how today went, like knowing I made the
best
today.a man healthy, wealthy, and wise
rise,of
makes
p

Today, when I was re-listening the Vincent Van Gogh audiotape

biography, since I finished all 50 of the second volume, and after I finished
listening, I discovered what might very well be my most ancient drawing
that I possess currently, and its a doozy. I was very impressed by it when I
saw it, and Im extremely glad I kept it. It was my childhood interpretation
of Vincent Van Goghs most famous painting, Starry Night. The whole page
that I did was filled up with color, lines going in every direction, and energy.
The lines in my version were not as graceful as the lines in Van Goghs
version (why the hell would they be? I was, like, 11 years old at the time,
and Van Gogh is one of the masters who pursued drawing in his adult life),
but I found myself simply in awe at the massive amount of joy and creative
energy that went into the drawing that I did such a very long time ago.
Seeing it was amazing. It really impressed my art teacher at Casselberry
Elementary at the time (Im not sure what her name was) and I now can
easily see why they picked that drawing of mine, and it was picked as the
drawing of the week (or month. Im not sure) at the time out of all the
drawings done by kids in the entire school. I think in a way I was a lot less
ashamed and timid back then when I was in elementary school, which is a
result of bad memories about ridicule and verbal harassment by friends and
distant classmates alike in middle school and high school. The shape of the
buildings and sky in my version nearly matches the proportions of the
original. All I remember about my creative process at the time was that I was

P a g e | 780

really in love with the original Van Gogh drawing at the time (something
about it captivated and fascinated me), and all I knew about Van Gogh at the
time was that he cut his ear off and mailed it to his girlfriend, and that
tidbit fascinated me at the time I heard it too. I dont know why it did so
much, though. So what happened over the course of those many years? Why
dont I have as much energy now? I dont know if my drawings, essays,
journal entries, and stories will be saved for posterity, but it would be nice,
even though I wouldnt be alive to witness it, and if I have a future lifetime
and live another life through reincarnation, I probably wouldnt know that
that person who did that work was I, or maybe I would if I became
enlightened in my next lifetime. So okay, maybe I didnt simply acquire
intellect. It may very well have been there even since the days of my early
childhood, but Ive just recently learned to tap into its full power and range,
and am just recently coming to terms with that power. Maybe. All I know is
that Ive been writing and drawing all my life practically. Through good
times and bad. Even when I got my wisdom teeth pulled, was experiencing
immense discomfort and pain severe headaches, mouth aches, gauze
filling up my bloody and bleeding mouth, cheeks on my face bloated,
random vomiting as an allergic reaction to the codeine pain medicine I was
getting at the time for my excruciating mouth aches I still got out of bed
from laying down to watch movies and drink milkshakes, which if I
remember correctly, is the substance the a large amount of the vomit was
comprised ofbecause I couldnt eat or chew hard food for a couple days in
a rowand typed at the word process in my journal, still writing quite a bit,
despite the pain. If anything, that point reminds me of how dedicated Ive
been to my creative pursuits, whatever they may be. If anything else, that
moment made me feel like somewhat of a martyr, if not a person deeply
devoted to his creativity. I wrote, even when I suffered immensely. And I
have drawn even when Ive suffered, although Im still working on drawing
when Im tired, which is what seems to keep me from drawing as much as I
could have in the past. Also in the past, even when I was admitted to the
psychiatric hospital for making a phony threat to kill my classmates at the
public high school I went to (due to a near nervous breakdown because I had
been called gay and faggot by classmates so many times mixed with my
aversion for homophobes), when I was in the hospital, when I was in one of
my greatest periods of psychological suffering, I would still draw at the desk
in my hospital room, that had a camera at the top left corner. I think at the
time, due to the harsh environment of callous majority of hospital workers
and bizarre fellow patients, I think since I was still rebelling from
medication, it felt as if the act of staying in my room, by myself, and

P a g e | 781

drawing was therapeutic and healed me at the time. I thought taking

prescription medication like Prozac and Nuerontin would turn me into a
social zombie. Instead I have become happier, kinder, and wiser. I know
people who take Prozac and the medicine itself get made fun of and
portrayed and presumed by the public as a psychoactive happy-pill, but after
some observation of myself after taking the medicines, I dont think theyve
really harmed me. Im not anywhere near as neurotic now as I used to be. I
have found inner peace through the teaching of Buddhism, as well as selfreliance.

Im not going to write much, because I want to have a bit of time to watch
TV and rest before I go to life-drawing class. Ive written a lot of essays thus
far. I keep concocting and expanding my theories of various topics. Will, the
self, consciousness, perception, ego, the spirit, intellect, the Tao, the soul,
religion, the cosmos, love, being, form, God, genius, wisdom, society, the
universe, progress, truth, evolution, relativity, reform, government,
creativity, knowledge, humanity, beauty, will, love, peace, emotions, time,
space. The list of good essay topics goes on and on. I would love to write an
endless number of more essays and prose. All this happens while my
vocabulary gets bigger by the month.

I can write and draw fairly decently right now while Im 17 (or should I say
18. Im turning 18 in ten days), but I honestly dont know where Ill be at 20
or 30 years old. I try not to think that far. I just want to concentrate on
becoming good in the present. I dont know if my work will reach
unimaginable proportions when I turn 25 or 30, but I hope so. At the end of
my life, Im not sure how much creative work Ill have done. Im hoping it
will be a lot. Maybe if I work hard enough, by the end of my life I can have
over 1,000 different pieces written and more than 700 drawings. Im not sure
how many drawings and pieces of writing I have in total now.

Well, I counted all the drawings Ive done at home and in life drawings
classes that I did from the time I stopped seeing Phil for lessons to the most
current ones. Theres a ton of them. I have a whole stack of them. So in the
last couple of months, year or half a year, in total, Ive done roughly around
343 pages of drawings, and some pages have one drawing on the page

P a g e | 782

(either big or small) and some have a bunch of little ones on a single page.
This is not counting the hundreds of drawings I did while I was seeing Phil.
Man, this is superb. Reaching that goal of doing 700 drawings before I die
should be a lot easier now. In fact, I may very well have already attained it.
If thats true, if I were to draw non-stop, every day for an entire year, I might
even be able to do 700 to 1,000 in a single year, if I were to work my ass off.
Id have a better chance of being one of the masters that way. If I were doing
1,000 drawings per year, in 5 years, Id have 5,000 drawings. In 10 years,
Id have 10,000 drawings! Thats a lot. The majority of my drawings are
crappy, though. I only produce a decent piece of artwork every once in a
while, just as I come into contact with a woman who is beautiful in both
body and mind every once in a while. I did 2 new drawings today in class
also. A depiction of my hand, and a gesture drawing rendition of Starry
Night, that I drew without any reference to the original (It was partially
inspired by my seeing the early rendition I did of that drawing a long time
ago).

In my later years, I definitely want to do a study of William Shakespeare,

Mark Twain, Emily Dickenson, T.S. Eliot, J.D. Salinger, H.P. Lovecraft,
Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, Leo Tolstoy, Joyce Carol Oates, Edgar Allen
Poe, Charles Dickens, and other classic authors. I think the biggest novel
Ive ever seen, but want to at least try to read later on is War and Peace by
Leo Tolstoy.

Well, Ive made up my mind. Next time I have an extra $40 or $30 dollars,
Im picking up a copy of The Writers Market, which has over 1,000 agent
listings. If I write a book one day and decide that I hope to get published by
the biggest of the big, like Simon & Schuster, Random House, or Penguin,
Im going to need a decent literary agent, and Im going to need to write a
salable, personable, and well written query letter. There are a lot of good
books I want to read. Books on metaphysics, physics, ecology,
consciousness, psychology, the brain, Buddhism, the Renaissance,
sociology, cosmology, philosophy, art, writing.
***
If theres one thing I believe in and have faith in, it is truth. I believe in truth
more than God, because in a way God is a mere exemplification of divine

P a g e | 783

anthropocentric truth, which is why the bible states that God allegedly
created man in his own image. God is more likely to be found in the physics
formulas that explain the forces moving the Earthin the manifestation of
evolution and progress or intangible universal forcethan he, she, or it is to
be found in some intangible celestial dimensionthats all white and
fluffywhich is located somewhere in Earths stratosphere. I think Ill add
to the old Nietzsche quote. The traditional Christian God is dead. That kind
of God is too much of a theological dogmatic fallacy.
***
The above statement could be interpreted many different ways, and I think
Ill let my convictions on God remain a mystery. After reading that last
statement, I could look like an atheist, an agnostic, a pantheist, a heresy
practitioner, or a new-age quack.

I dont think Im going to write much more, unless I feel extremely inspired.
Writing a lot more tonight would anger my parents, and I dont want to do
that.

I was thinking about something. Maybe if Im not going to use my pieces of

writing for my website, I can expand them, research them, and turn them
into fully evolved thesiss and/or essays. Their pretty decent, and they seem
well written, so why not turn them into professional things, even if no one
ends up seeing them. All the one page hand-written essays Ive done in
school will probably be expanded with more words when I get around to
rewriting them on the computer, but thats not going to be for a while. I
know I have what it takes to do well in this world. I have coherent thinking.
I dont, however, know if I have what it takes to become a celebrity or
prolific, or make any decent money. It would be nice, but Im not counting
on it. Supreme intellect does not pay bills. Maybe it used to, but in these
contemporary times it doesnt, especially now in this age. I dont think Im
really at liberty to say whether I think Im brilliant or not. I think for any
proclamation of brilliance to be justifiable, it has to be proclaimed by the
rest of the world, not by the individual who has the suspicion him or her self.
I did decide one thing a while ago. I dont want to write something that turns
out to be mere disposable clich-filled pop-fiction. My God that stuff is so

P a g e | 784

fucking horrible! I want to make literature. Real literature. Its not easy, but
its not impossible either. This journal file of mine already is pretty literary,
so I presume Im off to a pretty decent start, or at least in my opinion I am.

I think my ego has gotten considerably smaller over the past year or two. Its
still there, but I think its slowly evaporating, or at least subsiding. Every
time I speak of my genius, thats probably partially my ego speaking for me,
although I suppose it (the genius) could exist. Maybe I should be agnostic
about my genius. I derive my personal genius from the higher purpose I seek
and am driven by. My genius is not just me. Its mostly God, the universal
force, and/or the cosmos working through me, manifesting its or their
totality through my mind. I dont know if I believe in a God, but I certainly
believe in something that is much more enormous than myself, even if its
just misguided devotion to helping humanity, but I think for anyone to not
be driven by their own egocentric tendencies, its important to believe in
something greater than yourself. That is crucial. That is imperative. Im also
making it a requirement for myself to seek out learning about the great
people through history and contemporary culture (great achievers and
thinkers), so that I can learn from them and strive to at least try to do as good
as they have done, even though it is likely impossible to be completely as
good as them. Theyre just too damn good. They have too much conviction
and have gotten too much training.

P a g e | 785

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 48

P a g e | 786

November 2001

Thats pretty cool. I found some online sites and found one I already know
about once again. I found a site with a list of quotations on hundreds of
topics and a search engine for a subject I have interest in. Strange things.
Things not of this world.

Im definitely going to try my best to draw for an hour or couple hours

before I go to work, so after 1:30 or 2:00, Im getting to drawing anything
and everything that I see, or that comes to mind.

Was just watching some of my DVDs that I own, which are also two of my
favorite films of all time. Ghost In The Shell and The Sixth Sense. Visually
speaking, they are simply brilliant. Plus, theyre both well written.

Its kind of weird, like many things. Ill be out in public occasionally, and
when Im feeling very happy and benevolent, Ill speak with much kindness,
compassion, and sincerity in my tone and voice, all while smiling contently.
I did that at the supermarket quite a bit when I was working there, (Im still
working there, but I wont be after this January. joy!) but was off and was
picking up my paycheck. There was this one girl working at the Customer
Service counter, and I was about to get my check. Mike, a middle-eastern, or
Indian, co-worker suddenly walked up to me however, and asked if he could
please just pick up a small item to buy. I smiled kindly and said sure, and
let the man go ahead of me. The girl working in the Customer Service booth
glared at me with an impatient look, looking at me like I was crazy. I
wondered why she looked at me like that, but I dismissed it and kept trying

P a g e | 787

to practice compassion. I didnt care and still dont care what she thinks or
thought. She is callous. I tried very much to be full of love and compassion.
Like all the people I used to meet in middle and high schoolwho looked
down upon me, mocked me, and looked at me as a loser or whatevershell
become bitter if she ever discovers me when Im a prolific celebrity and
realize how intelligent I truly am and always was, if that were to happen and
if I actually am intelligent. I knew compassion then. She did not. I simply
ignored the contemplative criticism. Her attitude was pretty much a spiritual
and moral obstacle to me. Perhaps she was jealous of me because I was
happy and she was not. Bitter because she wasnt able to find happiness like
I have. Either that or she didnt understand what Im about. Not everyone
needs to understand what Im about and people might view me as some kind
of an egocentric person, even though Im constantly striving to diminish my
own ego. I know what Im about and thats all that matters. I have strong
conviction in my worth and the value of what I have to offer. I think
everyone should contemplate the value of what they have to offer. That girl
at the Customer Service desk. That co-worker, if thats what you want to call
it, has obviously never contemplated the value of what sheand everyone
else in this worldhas to offer.

Well I counted all of my old drawings that I did when I was still being
instructed by Phil. I counted around 432 drawings. Now if I add that to the
343 drawings that I did more recently and have already counted, I have, in
the past 2, 3, 4 or so years, Ive done 775 pages of drawings, which is a
decent amount. Thats a fair amount for just a couple years.

Got back from work. It didnt go too bad. They now have a TV set for
display set up near the front doors, and I got to watch and listen to bits and
pieces of that movie Shrek, which was not too bad. Maybe it helped the time
go by quicker.

Now that Ive been contemplating over which art school to go to, it seems as
if there are advantages and disadvantages to going to any of the three
schools Ive set my sights on. At Fort Lauderdale, Ill be able to be near my
old mentor. Plus, there I dont have to have a full portfolio to get in, and a
lot of the classes are focused on computer-based artwork, so I might be able

P a g e | 788

to learn how to do 3-D animation on a computer, and perhaps I could get a

job not only doing traditional 2-D animation, but I could maybe also get
hired for and work doing CGI and computer generated animation. That
might not be too bad. Besides, Ive constantly heard that you have to be
good at traditional 2-D drawing before you try to animate a computergenerated character. That would definitely be beneficial if I ever got the
chance to direct a 3-D computer animated film or an expensive mainstream
live action film that involves some CGI shots for some scenes. If I go to
Ringling in Sarasota, Florida, I can concentrate mostly on traditional
animation also, as well as illustration and whatnot. That would be very
useful as well. Id have a good chance of getting hired by Disney Feature
Animation if I were to work very hard while I was there. If I were to transfer
over to the CalArts, Id be going to the most prestigious and revered art
school in the country. Perhaps even the world. It would give me a good
chance to go with pretty much any animation company in the traditional
field, Id have wonderful teachers with high standards, plus I would be able
to pursue making short 2D animated films and enter them in an animation
festival. The possibilities are endless! All three of these places seem like
fantastic choices. Now that I think about it, there are more positives to my
dilemma than negatives. I can learn new things that I never assumed Id be
learning or even wanting to learn. I mean, look at Tim Burton. He started a
CalArts, got a job as a Disney animator, and subsequently turned his dark
and imaginative ideas into springboards for his live action and stop motion
films, such as Beetlejuice and The Nightmare Before Christmas, which have
made him one of the most creative and bankable live action directors in
Hollywood, and it all started with his short post-graduate film, Vincent,
which is also a brilliant film. He started doing Vincent, and ended up doing
Planet of the Apes, which has gone on to gross hundreds of millions of
dollars worldwide.

How come there arent more television primetime drama and/or comedy
shows about psychologists and therapists? I mean, other than the squigglevision Doctor Kats: Professional Therapist, of course. Maybe Ill create one,
come up with the idea, write the one hour live action script, and try to
finance the pilot, or I could just come up with the concept and let someone
else develop it. There are multiple dramas and sitcoms about New York
roommates, lawyers, homicide detectives, school students, college students,
investigators, ER surgeons, and the mafia. Why not people who work with
the mind? There should be more shows like that. It would be a more

P a g e | 789

psychologically based show. Therere a lot of movies about psychologists,

but not that many TV shows. That might make for some good television, if it
was well written. It could be a show about normal, semi-normal, and bizarre
patients, and their various relationships with a gifted but reserved (or
perhaps some other trait) mental health professional. A Ph.D, who went to
college. This could be balanced and mixed in with his relationship with his
own family. Im not sure if Id make the show serious or funny. Dr. Kats
made it very funny, but it lacked depth, so I think I might go with serious
and suspenseful. The only big problem I can think of would be that it could
get boring being in his office (the same location) all the time. Maybe he
could work in a big building where theres a bunch of different mental health
specialists working in cooperation. That would be more interesting. Doing a
show about a philosopher could be cool, but how the hell would you
construct stories. It might just come off as one big excuse to expound upon
various pieces of profound dialogue and commentaries. It would certainly
make intelligent entertainment, though. Maybe it could be the small screen
version of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.

Well. These seem to be two new prospects: Primetime live-action television

and computer-generated animation. Something tells me that once Im out of
college for a while, Im really going to need a creative agent, so that I can
get hired by some companies, get published, and/or sell various ideas and
pieces of work Ive done. I think I have a lot of good ideas. I just need to
learn to get them across better, and also learn how to sell them, so that I can
make a livable or bankable profit. There could be a lot of great possibilities
lurking in my future. I might even end up writing columns and articles, or
doing daily comic strips, if thats what I have to do to start out making a
living. I shouldnt be so hell-bent on doing only one thing. I shouldnt be
afraid to try experimenting in mediums Im not experienced or comfortable
in. Right now, everything is open for possibility. Journalism, CGI, novels,
film directing, cartooning, animating, comic books, web design, spiritual
practice, philosophy, art direction, painting, photography. Im open to
anything, as long as I can dedicate some decent time to it.

I predict that Im going to become a lot more experienced with computers

and their various uses over the next couple years. Im already starting. The
seeds have already been planted. Im already learning a lot about designing

P a g e | 790

websites, and have already designed my first few basic webpages. If I

study other websites, Im sure I can learn to make more professional ones.
The cool thing about that is that all you need to make a basic webpage is
both Windows Front Page and knowledge of HTML coding, or Netscape
Composer. Either one is acceptable. Composer is easier, because you dont
have to know how to write HTML.

Am going to adhere to the whole Generation Y/X rebellion thing. Maybe I

wont settle down, get married, have kids, or get a real traditional job, but
instead dedicate more time to my creative ability and various creative
pursuits. Maybe if I become a Generation Y/X Renaissance man or
visionary, people wont be able to pigeonhole me or label my work as
clichd. This would be good. But to actually personify this title, I need to
work very, very hard, and stay dedicated, even when I get discouraged,
bored, or when Im in pain. My number one priority right now is art
though, and this fact will probably remain that way for a while.

Worked at the supermarket today for five hours, by the way. It really
wasnt that long of a shift.

When I first started writing this computer journal, money seemed to be the
only thing I talked about with passion. Now money is one of the last things
Ill talk about in this journal, even though my chances of making a lot of a
thing such as money seem much greater than they used to. Im not worried
about making a lot of money. Whatever happens happens. If I dont, its
not a big deal. The problem of not making a ton of money will not
overwhelm me. Things will still all be cool. Ill still do fine, because Ill
have lack of attachment to temporal desires and peace of mind, which I
seem to already have nowsomewhat. Through my day-job, I have
developed a much more determined work ethic and have an even bigger
devotion to the ideas than I did before, but not in an obsessive sort of way.
Its important to have at least somewhat of a life as well. Its not healthy to
be working all the time. When I wrote the first page in this computerized
journal, I had trouble filling up even half of a page without getting
discouraged, frustrated, and de-motivated. Nowthat I have completely
transcended and evolved from that old mindsetIm able to fill up four

P a g e | 791

pages with decent writing in what seems like my own semi-distinctive style
or voice, and not even break a sweat or running out of topics to write about.
It seems like Im already beginning to accomplish what I used to think
would be impossible for me to achieve. Like being prolific. And
innovative.

Should go to bed soon before I completely run out of steam. So far Ive
written over 2,000 words in one day, plus the hand-written essay I did
earlier today. Not bad. Im not Leo Tolstoy, but I am improving on some
level. Id probably be even better if I clustered on scratch paper more than I
do.

Well, tomorrow is the day Mom and Dad and I are leaving to go to
Sarasota for three, four days or so to look around Sarasota and Ringling to
get a good look at the school. That should be fun, unless my parents make
idiots of themselves somehow, which has been known to happen
occasionally. I think once I adjust to drawing all the time, everywhere,
even after Im sick of it, art school will be real nice, because drawing a lot
has never really been torture. Just frustrating at times.

Did some more of my web design today. It was quite fun. Got to add JPEG
images, and some more lines, so now the site is looking more professional. I
might be a pretty proficient web designer one day. I need to work on
backgrounds, MIDIs, Flash animation, tables, and GIFs, though. Once I can
master those other elements, as well as composition and overall look so that
my various sites I make dont look ugly, I might very well make a proficient
web designer. Making text isnt all that hard to do. Its making the images
and graphics thats the hard part.

Just read some more of Burton On Burton, and am most likely going to read
some more of it. Maybe will read some more of my other books too.

Its 6:31 already, so Id better get back to reading really soon.

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Drew some earlier tonight. Ive been thinking about book sales, which I
doubt is a good thing, but Ive done so anyway. One rule of selling a lot of
books is that; if you want to sell a lot of copies, write about topics with
broad appeal. What better method is there to do this than telling a poignant
story that also happens to be well written?
Been thinking a lot about computer-generated animation also. I think the
reason a lot of CGI animated television series fail is because theyre poorly
written, the animation for television CGI is crude, and theres not much
personality put into the design or characters thoughts or movements. Digital
animation does not seem to have as much distinctiveness and personality as
2-D animation. It doesnt have the same weight as 2-D. A lot of it is the
same. Its often calculated and jerky. I think one of the only true computergenerated animation innovators and visionaries is Pixars John Lasseter.
Hes one of the few people that really know how to do it right. His
characters have life to them, and hes done things in a way thats generally
innovative and new. The Two Toy Storys were pure brilliance. Hes doing
for CG animation what Nick Park and Tim Burton have done for
Claymation. If I do become a 3-D animation director, Id prefer to follow
Lasseters example. The thing is, I see a lot of 3-D techno action sci-fi
shows like Butt Ugly Martians, Max Steal, Beast Machines, and Reboot,
probably because theyre able to animate robots, aliens, spaceships,
mechanisms and whatnot, and it seems like the people who make those
shows are just trying to fit the mold, but where are the computer-generated
equivalents to The Simpsons and Duckman?Whats this?Jimmy
Neutron? Pu-lease! Toy Storys definitely come closer to what Im
envisioning. Its closer to what Id like to see, except Id probably add hints
of fantasy or gothicism. Or what about a show that takes place in some sort
of fantasy world, like a C.S. Lewis book, thats animated with CGI? That
might be cool.

Also, recently watched a couple episodes of The Proud Family, and I like
it. Like the characters, the gags, and the writing, but I dont like the totality
of the animation. I dont think they push the characters movements enough
and dont put enough confidence in the animation itself. I have a feeling the
people who make that show are influenced by Chuck Jones, but if they are, it
doesnt show. Its comes off more like theyre influenced by Waynehead or
Bobbys World, except Waynehead was poorly done and The Proud Family

P a g e | 793

doesnt have the same creative energy Bobbys World did. Proud Family is
still pretty funny, nonetheless, which is good. That makes it watchable, even
for a semi-old geezer like me. I feel like an animation critic now, which I
think is good, since Id like to also be an animation director one day, but not
for a while, at least until after I gain some more experience with the more
basic jobs in animation. I think that would give me a more integral
perspective in my method to approach toward making animation.
One new animation technique Im amazed by, which I hope to be able to
utilize is a new kind of CGI where computer generated props that are in
motion, are designed with inky outlines so that they move in the third
dimension but were designed to look like they were hand drawn, except with
more dimensional depth. I love the shows Ive seen use this new technique,
and to me, look like they stand out from all the other shows that dont use
this technique. Both [ironically] are comedy/sci-fi series, and both are some
of my favorite new shows. Futurama (which uses the technique on various
objects and in its main title sequence) and Invader ZIM, which utilizes the
technique to make the show appear much more fast paced, which in turn can
make the camera shots zip all over the place, from location to location. That,
in my opinion, adds to the overall look, giving the show a very cool look
overall. The characters in Invader ZIM could stand to be less flat looking,
though. Actually, that is kind the way Vasquezs characters look in his
comic books. Overall, it captures his style very well, and its in 2-D no less.

Disney also utilized a similar technique in Tarzan, with the Deep Canvas
computer program, which makes the moving detailed jungle plant scenery
Tarzan jumps and slides around on look even more detailed (even when its
in motion).

Im in such a great mood. This is because I just got back a couple hours ago
from my three-day vacation/visit to Ringling, which took place in Sarasota,
Florida, after a three hour car tripon Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday,
which I also loved. I got to see the beaches in Sarasota, museums, hotels,
restaurants, John Ringlings house, Saint Armands Circle, and of course the
world-renowned Ringling School, which was initially founded by John
Ringling but has subsequently become an object of creative reverence for
artists all across the country, and perhaps world. I got a tour of the Ringling
school, plus I got a critique of my portfolio and some other sketches from

P a g e | 794

Eric J., the admissions counselor and financial advice from Ruth H., the
assistant director of financial aid, who was very kind. They were both very
open to speak about the school, which is good, but Im getting ahead of
myself. Perhaps I should start on Sunday, the first day. On early afternoon,
during last Sunday, wemother, father and I got our belongings together
(I got my backpack filled with CDs, a CD player, drawing supplies, books, a
sketchpad. And my portfolio and my bag for my clothes), loaded them into
the car, and began our three-hour-drive from Casselberry to Sarasota down
byand right next tothe beach. I think I should mention that I did no
writing during all of the three days we were there, but I did do some
drawings in the sketchpads I had with me. Some turned out better than
others. The car ride there seemed practically celestial, what with my
listening to Weezer, REMs latest, The Who, and System Of A Down (all
good kickass traveling music) while resting the back of my head on a soft,
comfortable pillow, and enjoying the scenery that went by as I watched it
through the window of the Jeep Grand Cherokee. I could have had more
legroom, but who the fuck am I to complain? I mean, really, it wasnt
enough to warrant a sincere complaint, when contrasted with the whole of
the experience. Our hotel room had an okay view of the ocean, but a great
view of the hotel pool, which was in front of the ocean from our view. For
the hundred and something dollars my parents paid for us to stay there per
night, it had a decent amount of comforts and accommodations that went
with the whole package. There were basically four rooms that made up our
hotel room. A bedroom with a two person bed, a dresser and a closet, a main
TV room with couches (one of them, the biggest one, being a couch/bed,
which is what I slept on during nights), a desk, a sliding glass door that lead
out to the balcony above the swimming pool, and a television set that got
basic cable, local stations and Showtime, but not much else (it had no VCR),
a kitchen that had basic kitchen things, and a bathroom, which had a nice
comfortable shower tub, toilet, and sink. On our first day, we went to a
restaurant, an ice cream shop, a glass knickknacks shop, and my parents
went to the beach and experienced the sunset, while I decided to stay in and
read some more of my Burton on Burton book. Later that night, while I was
in bed, I read the rest of the book and finished Burton On Burton while I was
on this trip. That was about it. Our second day was much more eventful. We
drove around Sarasota, got a look at the school, and had breakfast at a
restaurant where I had an enormously larger amount of food for breakfast
than I should ever have in this lifetime. I had two meals! We also got our
first short look at the school as we drove by it, ate at a bad pizza restaurant
for dinner, saw the entire Ringling art museum, and John Ringlings home

P a g e | 795

he used to own before he died. The museum was amazing. They had art by
Renaissance artists, a recreation of the famous Michelangelo statue, which
was gigantic, and entire original Paul Rubens (Renaissance artist, not the
childrens show actor who got busted for masturbating in an adult theatre,
ironically enough, in the same city we were visiting.) paintings, which I
think were the most amazing and overwhelming pieces of real life artwork
Ive ever seen in my entire life thus far. Its tough to fathom the amount of
superhuman concentration, effort, and work that went into the creation of the
absolute masterpiece. It was divine. Pure genius. That had to be one of the
greatest works of pure genius Ive ever witnessed and experienced in my
life. Makes me want to strive to be even half that good. It was inspirational.
It was easily at least 100 times the size of my largest drawing pad or even
my entire body. Makes me want to visit the Louvre in Paris. The museum
also had original works by N.C. Wyeth and someone related to him during
the time we visited. After that, later that night, we returned to the hotel room
and we watched Everybody Loves Raymond on the TV. Before that, though,
I drew some sketches of heads, and even before that we went to a big
bookstore. I bought three books there. True At First Light by literary giant
Ernest Hemingway, a book about Leonardo da Vinci and his works, which
was written and researched by Kenneth Clark, and a philosophy book called
Discourse And The Meditations by Rene Descartes, which looksdeep. The
third day we didnt do much, except eat breakfast and dinner and go
interview and talk to administrators at Ringling. I was amazed and
overwhelmed at first, but once we walked around the school a bit, I began to
get more comfortable. The students there seem reserved and nice. I think Id
fit in well after a while. Eric J. was a good sport and an expert on the whole
critique thing. The critique: was a wonderful experience, because I learned a
lot that will be of much use to me. It was both an ego booster and an ego
deflation device all at the same time. I believe thats what he intended it to
be, which means it is what any good critique should be, constructive, useful
and honest to the student. He said that for my artwork, as far as anatomy,
proportions, technique, and line quality go, my artwork is Phenomenal and
Superb, which made me feel really good. I was smiling. This is coming
from a guy who sees portfolios and meets brilliant and extremely talented,
young artists (who are probably a lot more talented than myself) nearly
everyday, I presume, simply because of his job title. He did, however, point
out my weak areas. He clearly stated that the composition was lacking; there
was no definition of foreground, middle ground, and background; there were
no scenes that included objects and scenery; the tones of dark and light were
not pronounced or contrasted from each other enough; and on pretty much

P a g e | 796

all of the drawings, there was too much negative space left open, and he
recommended bringing the drawings up in size so that they would fill up
pretty much the whole page, even if the drawing ended up being cropped in
certain areas. This was spectacular advice! Im going to try to work really
hard on those areas he showed me I should work on. He said I would
definitely get into the school if I applied, and that I need to fill out
paperwork and get on their file as soon as possible. If I end up going to
Ringling, Ill be attending the Illustration program, which is supposed to
eventually lead into learning animation, but their basic intent is to make the
artists well-rounded, so that they can get a variety of jobs, including possible
ones in the field of illustrating and animation. At the campus supplies/book
store, I got to see some of the required books (comic books and drawing
technical stuff!), and I bought Speaking With The Angel: Edited by Nick
Hornby, which was one of the recommended course books. The library on
campus had a ton of great books, magazine, videos, and DVDs to choose
from, so Im sure that would be part of what would keep my busy, should I
finalize my decision to attend to school. So overall, after we left the campus,
I left the school with an overall good feeling. A great feeling, like I have a
bright future after high school, but also a lot of hard work and dedication.
After we left the school, we stopped at another restaurant, which had the best
service and food out of all the restaurants we ate at in Sarasota. We then
drove back home. So all in all, I had a wonderful experience in Sarasota. I
didnt want to come back home as a matter of fact. I wanted to stay there and
not have to come back to this stinking hell-town. Ringling is such a more
comforting, welcoming, artistic, and nurturing atmosphere than anything
Ive known here in my hometown. Fuck what The Orlando Sentinel says
when it does stories on Local artists. Theyre lying. Theres a big lack of
support for the arts in this these cities. The only complaints I really have are
that I didnt have access to a word processor during this trip, the talk radio
therenear the beachsucks ass, and finer bookstores like Borders and
Books-A-Million were more scarce down there than they are here, around
Orlando, which was a down side to our trip. I like quite a few of the people
down there a lot, though. Very nice folk they are. It seems like a nice place
to live for a while. I did hear from people at the college that there is a Barnes
& Noble not too far from Sarasota, though.

Its good to be back at home with my computer and my bedroom and my

comic books and my cat and my whole family and my borrowed Worlds
100 Greatest People audio tapes and my writing portfolio and my drawing

P a g e | 797

desk and my Buddhism and philosophy books, though. I did miss those
things. Theres always something.

Im sure I could bitch and moan about how, all my life Ive had to battle
racism and racial stereotypes. Black stereotypes, Latino stereotypes, and
whatnot. I dont, though. Im part white. My biological mother was white.
My adoptive and now genuine parents are white. They love me regardless of
what color skin I have, which verifies their nobility, compassion, and
empathy. They have never once, not once, looked at me harshly merely on
the basis of my skin color or even made one inconsiderate comment about
my skin color during my entire life. But quite frankly, I look Latino to the
world and/or maybe even black, middle-eastern, or Native American to
some, and I cant say the same sincere things about people on the street, that
I dont know. Its very funny how our minds can speculate and we can make
harsh judgments based on our most basic perception of others. Its all
bullshit. I dont linger on it or scream Racism or Injustice either. The truth is
I only have to battle stereotypes every once in a while, usually at my
workplace and the schools (middle and high) I used to go to. I agree with
what God or Jesus said, despite my skepticism towards both their credibility.
Love thy enemies. Even after all these years, those words still ring true, even
after the rise of technology. And due to the descent of ethical and intellectual
standards in contemporary culture, those words have even more impact on
the people who hear them now. But also, feel compassion for your enemies.
Thats the only universal weapon to fight hate with. Love and compassion.
Not vengeance, not violence, not malice, not weapons, not ill will, not fights,
not murder, not mutual hatred. The truth, though, is that there arent really
any enemies. I believe the theory of evil in this world can be boiled down to
simpler terms. Lack of knowledge, ignorance, and negative actions. No one
singular personnot even bin Ladencan be blamed for all the negative
things happening in the world, or the microcosms or macrocosms contained
therein or in the outer atmosphere. When I look at someone I dont know. I
try not to think white person, black person, Jewish person, gay,
heterosexual, Christian person, old person, young person, skinny person, fat
person, male, female, ugly person, rich, poor, good-looking person, or
whatever. I try my best to think, This is a person who stands before me.
The totality of a single human organism has too many elements that
comprise both its mind and body for it to be categorized so presumptuously
and easily. This is a human being who desires to be happy. Plain and
simple. And indeed it is plain and simple. Things shouldnt be made more

P a g e | 798

complex than they need to be. Everything adheres to the universal, and the
universal is what we should acknowledge. Perhaps analyze it as well.

Cant remember the last time an actual good (but also) new television show
premiered on TV. Some animated shows are goodat least theyre
imaginative and creativebut the live action shows have just been horrible.
They pander, theyre watered-down, theyre too literal, theyre too blackand-white, and theyre too fucking simple. Its no wonder Ive gotten so into
books lately. Movies and TV lately have been genuinely horrible,
predictable, unintelligible, and unentertaining. How can there end up being
new classics when the new stuff is tasteless beyond belief. I may never enter
the television industry, but at least Ill go to my grave knowing that this
journal wasin my personal opinionmore engaging and entertaining than
nearly every new television show Ive seen on TV lately in the year 2001, in
the month of November, which is not necessarily a hard feat to achieve. I
think anyone with a well-developed creative sense could achieve the same
thing, or better.

Man. These journal entries have been big-ass lately. Its also good to know I
dont suffer as much anymore. And furthermore

I would like to think up something to commentate on, but I seem to be

lacking of a triggering thought. It usually just takes one singular thought to
trigger a whole plethora of theories, philosophies, and commentaries. So
what has all this genius and philosophy gotten me, anyway? Not much,
except occasional divine perception, wisdom, and knowledge, but that
doesnt pay the bills. It only makes me feel somewhat intelligible and
partially wise. Im really quite ignorant compared to the Buddha, Leonardo
da Vinci, Jean-Paul Sartre, Ludwig Wittgenstein, Pablo Picasso, Lao-Tzu,
and Confucius though.

One of my main objectives is to combine eastern wisdom with western

pragmatics, power, and aesthetics, whether its Buddhism and comic books
or philosophy and cosmic totality or luminosity. The combinations can be
endless. Aside from that, I hope for a couple other things. I hope my product

P a g e | 799

entertains. I hope my work speaks to at least one person, even if its only one
person. I hope Im able to live comfortable, but more importantly, take care
of my parents as they grow into their old age. The ascension into old age is
inevitable, invariable, and irrefutable. It cannot be stopped, it happens to
everyone, and yet its tough for me to believe its happening to my own
parents. I cant predict how far Ill go, and now that I realize I have a semicoherent talent, I dont think I want to predict something like how well Ill
do. I think no matter how good I do, Id still be surprised if a piece of my
work had more than 100 or 1,000 audience members. That would be a
surprise to me. A shock to the system. Im not expecting to make a living on
any piece of creative work that is intelligible or personal to me in any way.
This journal is very personal to me, but I seriously doubt it will ever see
print.

I dont know if I have a literary voice yet. I dont know if I have an artist
style/voice yet either. Im afraid to develop a style or voice in either medium
yet though. I fear the trap. By this, I mean that trap countless artists and
writers fall into where theyre trapped in one single style and thats the only
thing they actually end up doing well. I would do everything if I could. If I
could be a physicist by morning, a philosopher by noon, a cosmologist by
afternoon, a painter by evening, and a cartoonist, illustrator, 3-D animator,
or comic book artist by nightwithout losing my sanityI would do that,
and I would do each one in as many variations or innovative ways as I
possibly could. I dont aim to be a Renaissance man. That may only be a
side effect. I aim to be a well-rounded individual and creative personI
dont know if its a good or a bad thing. Im neglecting nearly everything,
even the quality of my portfolio for attempting to impress an art college, for
the sake of attaining a higher state in my writing, even if its only in this
journal and my writing portfolio, which is where the majority of my writing
is located.

Just got back from the Crealde Life-Drawing for Animators class, and Im
seeing some serious progress in my gesture drawings. I have a completely
new direction to go with my portfolio! Not as much cartooning, but a lot
more gesture drawings, perspective drawings, tighter compositions, and
more depth in the compositions. Blade Of The Immortal by Hiroaki Samura
is going to be a good comic book to study for illustration, anatomy and
composition. I would also like to become proficient at or master painting and

P a g e | 800

various forms of coloring, even if they include using the computer and
Photoshop. You learn best by doing rather than talking about or thinking, so
Im going to have to be doing a lot of doing.

Well, Ive vowed to do some decent drawing today, and I plan on keeping
that vow. Ill say that right off the bat. However, I did feel I had some things
to say. I just have to remember what they were. I got the latest issue of Blade
of The Immortal yesterday, and it was amazing. Hiroaki actually drew some
hints of boobage with the Hyakurin character, in that issue, so that was one
of the plus sides of the comic book. And of course the artwork in and of
itself was beautiful like usual. At the cost of sounding like some perverted
fanboy, boobage in comic books is often nice. I prefer real flesh and blood
women, though. Im not quite that pathetic. Cant wait to get to drawing.
Thats going to be a lot of fun. Im only giving myself about 30 minutes
more to write. Not much more than that, though.

Wrote another essay in class today, but I did it first thing in the morning so
that I could get it out of the way and get onto working on not neglecting my
schoolwork. Im still working on that. It also appears Stephen Hawking has
written a new sequel to his more dated original book, A Brief History of
Time. The new one looks superb in production qualities, with illustrations
portraying Hawkings theoretical interpretation of the cosmos. His
transcendental vision is just as concrete as, say The Dalai Lama or Ken
Wilber. Menand womenwith great visions tend to achieve great things,
and Ive written this before somewhere probably.

This is strange. In my current journals and through my writing in general,

my life is portrayed through words. I honestly think it seems more bizarre to
me if someones life portrayed through words, rather than images and
sounds, because thats the way we perceive and experience the joy of life in
the first place, through first person perception. We dont gain memories and
associations of our pasts through words. Its fucking weird! Words do help
us express new ideas and communicate our thoughts and whatnot, though. In
that element lies the value of words. Im not saying they dont hold value.
Im just saying its weird for them to serve as the communicator of one

P a g e | 801

individuals life to other people. People are getting a peak at anothers life,
but not the whole picture.

I dont view myself as a poster-boy for anything in particular, unless you

count my creativity. Sure there have been people and places that have
shaped me as a person, but what I have to offer is mostly of my own devices.
I developed it and realized it. Its all me. Some other people have shown me
methods and ideas to use, but it was my responsibility to utilize them and
use them to my advantage. The zenith of my ability was not taught to me.
Nor did it start out as a natural predilection. It was learned and
acknowledged over time, and even if I acknowledge it, it may seem like
nothing more than pseudo-intellect to naysayers who despise me and the
work I produce (because there are bound to be some out there. There always
are.), but I care little about what they think. Its not like theyd be offering
the same things Im offering in the same way I offer them. Only I can be me,
if that makes any sense. The same rule applies to everyone else. We are all
individuals that have value to offer to the world. Its just a matter of finding
it. I am no better or smarter than anyone else in this regard, but never
claimed to be, either. If theres one impression I want to leave people in
general, its that if they work hard enough and think differently enough,
theyre work and thoughts can be just as good as mine can, or better. I
demonstrate this plenty in the life-drawing classes that I attend. The majority
of my life-drawing gestures are obvious pieces of crap, but Im fine with this
fact. Im still working on this element of my drawing. Im sure Martin
Luther King or Albert Einstein never thought their selves better than the lot
of humanity. They were made humble due to the fact that they had reverence
for a higher purpose, no matter what form it may have taken, whether it was
Gods will or the progress of science and knowledge in general. My ego is
not super big, but it still exists, which is not a good thing. Im aiming to
curtail it and extinguish it entirely.

Drew about an hour ago. Finished drawing an hour ago. I did two pieces,
both backgrounds. They actually turned out pretty good. Theyre probably
my best background or perspective drawings yet. They show some real
improvement from my earlier background layout drawings. The first one
was crappy in line quality, but the second, I believe, made up for it
somewhat, so I was put at ease. I drew for about an hour in all, which is not
too bad.

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Have just been thinking. I live to create, or at least it seems that way. I create
and think just as I live and breath, which I think is something Picasso said
once. I spend nearly every waking moment trying to create works of
creativity and art in one form or another. I always have ideas flying around
in my head. Im beginning to think if I didnt have meditation to fall back
on, I might simply go crazy if it werent for creating. I honestly dont care
what I create, nor do I fall in love with my individual works themselves. In
my writing Im in love with the process. Im working on getting it to be that
way in the art as well. I put words and ideas down on paper almost without
thinking. Some of the lines get lazy and careless in my art. I think Ive just
found part of the secret to good art. Every line on a page should be made
with tender, mindful, gentle care, and should serve a purpose, even if the
finished piece of artwork ends up looking just plain awful, even though if
this method is used, it probably wont. Even if the drawing looks like shit, at
least the effort has been made.

My brother is talking pretentiously again to my parents, but the situation

between these three people is not my problem to get involved in. When they
argue loudly or pretentiously, I simply do my best to ignore them. Thats all
I really can do. What would be the point of getting involved in their
disputes? There wouldnt be much of a point.

Must remember altruism, kindness, egolessness, and compassion. I havent

talked about these things in a while.

Learned all these great things about storytelling lately from the books Ive
read, aside from vocabulary, I mean. Im talking about all the cool stuff of
telling stories through the use of images and descriptions. Things like
poignancy, depth, intrigue, symbolism, plot twists, pacing or timing,
metaphors, suspense, irony, gray areas which are left relatively undecided,
pathos, not always doing things literally and instead of the literal, going with
a distinct image or feeling (which can be symbolic also) like Tim Burton
does with skeletons, stripes and other things. Its often better to go with a

P a g e | 803

feeling than an analytical definition. This isnt genius. This is simply good
methods used for storytelling.

A clich question for me is Where do you come up with this stuff?

Where do you get your ideas?. The truth, to me, for this question is a very
elusive one. I have to be inspired first, or at least sometimes. Maybe theyre
gifts from God, or The Cosmos. I dont know. I dont know where my ideas
come from. Ideas for things like opposite parallel gravity rooms, cars with
hands in the place of wheels, people with lampshades for heads holding
sledgehammers, neo-nazi/Satanist supermarket managers, theories on
relative motion and The Sage, tentacles coming out of toilets and attacking
plumbers, gnome message board role-playing games, theories for cloning the
ultimate comic book writer, animated shorts with visuals that look like their
straight out of Japanese prints, necrophiliac dominatrixes, aliens working for
the F.B.I., robots with extendable and prehensile arms and legs, comic book
artists/ninjas, omniscient people. I dont know, but the list seems to go on
and on. Thats just the way I like it. I hope I never run out of ideas, and
doubt I will as long as Im looking for them.

My birthday is tomorrow. When I wake up tomorrow morning on my

birthday, I will be 18-years-old, and 17-years-old no longer.

Received a thank-you letter from Eric J. in the mail: the same person who
interviewed me and reviewed my portfolio at Ringling. That was thoughtful
of him. I got a thank-you letter from Dave Barry once as well, when I
wrote him a fan letter. I dont know if he still has that letter. Sometimes I
wonder if he does.

Love getting letters and emails from people. I just wish I got more of them.
Maybe that will change if I actually get around to making a finished novel or
comic book. I think if I wrote a non-fiction book, it would be too
pretentious. In fiction I can be humble and I dont have to directly talk about
my life or things I love. Sure I can write forewords or introductions to other
authors or writers booksif I ever become respected enoughbut only if
Im asked to do so. I could also write forewords to my own books to make

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clarifications, explanations, commentaries, or corrections for my own books

in their paperback versions, if I feel so inclined. If I did do a foreword for
one of the reprints of one of my novels, should it ever be reprinted, Id
probably do the foreword Robert Pirsig style, like in the paperback version
of Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, or maybe Ken Wilber or
Stephen King style. I dont know if that would vindicate me as a literary
figure, but one can always dream or hope, cant they? If I, or my work,
become popular to the general public one day, many may try to emulate or
flat out imitate my style or vision. I dont know how Id react to that. I dont
think my style or vision are really all that good or decent. I dont know how
Id feel if Id see other artists trying to draw like me or writers trying to
write like me, or perhaps even both. Id probably wonder why they wouldnt
try to draw their own way, which is what Ive always tried to do: Draw my
own way. Sure Ive emulated certain writers, thinkers, and artists, but if I
make creative work that resembles theirs, I never do so consciously or
intentionally. Ive posted some original messages on message boards, and
Ive seen other people try to copy some of my ideas. It seemed weird to me,
and it also seemed like they didnt do it quite as well or with as much
uniqueness. It only seemed like they were trying to do the exact same thing I
did, which is not something I view as cool.

I think once Im 50 years old, I might be prolific. I think even if so far Ive
done over 800 pages of journal writing and over 700 drawings in the last
couple of years, I still dont consider myself prolific yet. Ive done some
decent work, some of it poignant, some of it thought-provokingor at least
in my opinionbut Im not what Id consider prolific. William Shakespeare
is prolific. Isaac Asimov is prolific. Leo Tolstoy is prolific. Leonardo da
Vinci is prolific. Van Gogh is prolific. Immanuel Kant is prolific. Wolfgang
Amadeus Mozart is prolific. The Beatles and Queen are prolific. Ken Wilber
is prolific. Pablo Picasso (of course) is prolific. I am not at that level, and
probably never will be. Ill probably be just beginning to learn my various
crafts and transcend the surface when Im 50. One lifetime is not enough
time to produce as much work as I would like to produce. Am I brilliant?
Hardly. Far from it. On averageat bestI am consistently mediocre and
prosaic. The work I produce ends up being great only as often as an obscure
kind of person gets struck by a bolt of lightning, which is to say, both do not
happen very often. I realize this, so I keep striving to get better.

P a g e | 805

My grammar and creative execution are getting better than they were, and so
are my backgrounds. Ill admit that. Anyone can get this far or a lot farther if
they have enough perseverance or conviction, and if they work hard enough.
Will Eisner, Hiroaki Samura, Kosuke Fujishima, Jamie Hewlett and Frank
Cho did. Why cant anyone else? Theres no reason anyone else cant. I
dont work hard enough or do gesture drawings of people in public settings
enough, though. Im fairly lazy when it comes to picking up a pencilany
kind is okay, and it doesnt really matter which one. You shouldnt be
pickyand filling up page after page with sketches, layout depictions and
drawings that involve various line qualities and techniques. I write in this
journal a lot. I would like to read books more often, rather than my own
writing. Whenever I need inspiration, I will read the works of someone else
who writes much better than I. Maybe Ill even do that right now or pretty
soon, even though its almost 11 oclock at night.
Well, its my birthday today. Its November 17th. Im now 18 years old, and
am still without my drivers license! I dont care about driving though. I
cant open my presents until tonight after dad gets home. Even though its
my birthday and Im getting presents today, Im thinking about using my
money to buy some books, if I dont get them as presents, that is. Im
thinking about getting two Ken Wilber books (A Theory of Everything,
Quantum Questions) and maybe a book on Norman Rockwell, Edward
Gorey, or Gandhi (either his biography or autobiography). Or maybe Ill get
something entirely different, like The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier &
Clay, more philosophy or psychology books, some DVDs, or more Akira
trade paperback graphic novels. Or perhaps I could buy Being And Time by
Martin Heidegger. I think I might read some today while Im waiting for
tonight. Aside from me getting to open my presents, for my birthday, were
also having cake and eating at the local Dennys restaurant, which is where
Ive chosen to have dinner on my birthday.

I havent taken Advil recreationally in a while. I was looking through my

latest issue of Blade of the Immortal last night. The last pages illustration
was so amazing. That was good storytelling. It only used a couple words, but
the way it was inked and filled with positive and negative space was just
amazing. You could tell it was the end of a story. It set a quiet ambiance that
just seems hard to beat with other comic books. It was twenty times better
than this one ending I saw in an issue of Marvels Fantastic Four comic

P a g e | 806

book. That last page seemed too light-hearted, bouncy, corporate, clichd,
prosaic and overly cartoony. Marvel definitely does some of the worst comic
book story arc endings in the world. One exception had to be the last page of
Kevin Smiths first run on Daredevil. I do my fathers work, the words
read as it showed Daredevil gracefully leaping through the air with his
trademark num chuck-looking weapon. That was a powerful ending that
stays with you. Its probably little parts of stories like that, which are the
reason I like some of Marvels stuff. Brian Michael Bendis work for Marvel
is exceptional. Blade of the Immortal also is one of those manga with some
spatial depth. Samura draws backgrounds and anatomy well, and in many
issues, hell often take a panel or couple panels to show what will end up
being nearly all or entirely all background or scenery, which establishes a
sense of atmosphere and spatial depth or three-dimensionality. It really puts
you right there with the characters. Its something you dont see very often
in other comic books, especially American ones. Maybe Ill look through
some of my comic books I own, though, just to make sure.

Just finished looking through some of my comic books. Other titles and
whatnot. I was right. None of the other comics, the independent ones, have
that kind of spatial depth. This is something I want to develop in my own
artwork though. Also, some of the drawings that were published in the
Ringling School catalogue, which were done by first year students, looked
better and more well drawn than nearly all of the comic book panels in all of
the 20 or 35 comic books I was looking through. Its not a matter of doing a
certain type of novel, book, comic book, cartoon, or film in any particular
category. Its about talent, and telling a great story, and creating a higher
kind of art form, and actually putting some concentration, diligence, and
hard work into your creative work.

Quality creative work should not be confined to a particular medium or

style. It needs to transcend monetary ambitions, genre, and style. Quality is
quality, and I dont search for quality in any particular creator, artist, writer,
director, or title. I search for it in wherever it comes from, whether its a
favorite movie, favorite show, or favorite song, a philosophy or Buddhism
book, or a great painting. I search for beauty, escapism, captivation, and
quality. Its more than just a matter of being cool or hip. I also think its
more than a simple matter of simply saying I like it or I dont like it.
Lots of people will simply say the former or the latter, and leave it at that.

P a g e | 807

To me, its more of a matter of perceiving the piece of entertainment or

whatever, experiencing, and then analyzing what it is that makes me like the
work so much to see what makes it so appealing to me.

Been doing the Life Drawing for Animators class for about four weeks. Ive
taken 4 classes so far, and in class for the last 4 weeks Ive done precisely
around 83 gestured drawings in class, in total. Not bad, but if they were all
30 second gestures, Id have a lot more. This doesnt count the drawings Ive
done at home and while Im traveling.

By pure coincidence, my cousin Beth has ended up visiting our house on my

birthday, which has been quite nice. We just went to Winter Park and I
bought some books. Ill say which ones they were later, probably after I
open my birthday presents tonight. I just found out Beths aunt has stomach
cancer, and I felt so sorry for her and her aunt. She deserves a lot of
compassion, not just from me, but also from anyone, which is the same case
for everyone. Beth, my aunt, has had skin cancer for a while, but its
treatable, thank God. And thus shes been getting treatment. I feel
compassion for Beth, her aunt, and all the family shes related to, who have
to go through this experience. Also, yesterday, I typed up my prewritten
letter of thanks to my parents, and I wrote a short, sincere letter of thanks to
them, inspired by the obvious things that make parents good. I gave it to
mom, she read it, and was clearly very moved by it. When she finished it,
there were tears in her eyes. They were tears of joy. While she was silently
crying, she got up from the bed she was lying down on, and thanked me as
she said other nice things while she hugged me. She called me a wonderful,
wonderful person. That made me really happy to see that she was so
moved. I hugged her back and said, Im glad you liked it. Thanks for
reading it. Youre a amazing parent. I wrote it on the day before my
birthday, because I dont want the event of my birthday to be completely
about me. I owe too much to the people who have helped show me the way
to become a better person.

My mothers reaction to my letter reminded me of the time Kristine, Phil

(my x-animation teacher)s wife began crying out of happiness when our
family and I gave them that rather large Vincent van Gogh portraits

P a g e | 808

hardcover book as a gift for how much theyve done for me, and for the
lessons Phil gave me. I had some wonderful times in those lessons. Our
lessons werent your typical art lessons. They were private lessons, and they
were held at Phils home each week, every Thursday. It wasnt really a
conventional art class setting. It was one of the rooms in his house with two
animation tables. I sat in oneusually the one closest to the far walland
Phil sat in the other. We talked a lot, Phil told me about a lot of great things
and I talked to him about all sorts of things, but we both talked with mutual
admiration about the world of art and animationwe talked about topics
such as aesthetics, the business of animation, influences, method, technique,
what to draw, inspirations, art books, comic books, animated shows and
movies, whats its like to work in the business, life, people, our lives,
current events, anything we could think of. All kinds of thingsWe would
talk, joke around, and draw. It was more like a creative get-together between
good friends than your typical art lessons. It was much more individual and
personal. I would draw things Phil told me to draw, or what I decided to
draw, and while I drew or after I finished, Phil would point out what I was
doing right or really well, as well as the amateurish technical mistakes I now
realize I was making at the timethat I didnt notice at firstbut he had
always believed I had talent, drawing ability, and potential. He did this while
he still had his job at the Disney Institute. Those lessons he gave me had to
be some of the most valuable and priceless experiences I ever had in the
early half of my entire youth. Now hes the head administrator of the
animation program at the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale, and I on the other
hand have been working on and finishing up my high school art portfolio,
continued to write in this journal a lot, which has made me quite a bit better
at the writing, and have so far gone through about 11 weeks worth of two
different kinds of life-drawing classes with the two teachers Ive had so far
at Crealde Art School in Winter Park. Rima Jabbur and Christian Slade, who
are two brilliant and amazingly talented people. Im certain that theyre
geniuses at what they do. Some of my fellow class members have a lot of
talent too. Theres this one woman whos attended a lot of the same classes I
have. I think her names Marci. Her head is shaved. I dont know why that
is, since I never asked her about it. That would be rude. She has a wonderful
attitude, and such a massive amount of talent when it comes to long poses in
life drawing. She puts so much concentration and devotion into her long
poses, and in her gestures, her line work is very light and gentle, and she
seems to be able to do it with such ease. Most starting or aspiring artists
have the problem of carving their lines into the paper and pressing really
hard on the paper (one of my own problems). Her problem is the opposite.

P a g e | 809

Her lines barely touch the paper, so shes at an advantage. Her line work is
at a point that I wish mine could already be at, but is not quite at yet. Marci
(Is that her name?) is, in my personal view, one of the most talented pupils at
Crealde. I dont know if Im one of them. There are plenty of artists there
who can draw better than Im able to, but the cool thing is that pretty much
all the artists at that mini-school draw in different ways! Its exciting to
watch all those artists at work. Maybe Ive been in association with one of
those groups of people who will all go on to do great things (myself
included, perhaps). It would probably be that way at the Ringling School,
because its such a respected art school with a solid reputation. Phil may
very well impact the industry in big ways in the near future. By being a
college administrator, he may already be doing that.

I just got finished celebrating my birthday. At the Borders and comic book
store in Winter Park, before I opened my presents, I bought two books and
two comic books. Ill say what I got. I have a total of 9 new books in all
right now, counting comic books. In Winter Park I bought Quantum
Questions by Ken Wilber, Gandhi; An Autobiography: The Story of My
Experiments With Truth, which looks very interesting, and THB as well as
the graphic novel The Ballad Of Doctor Richardson, which are both written
and drawn by Paul Pope who is the storytelling genius himself. For presents,
I got a Salvador Dali 2002 calendar, A Brief History of Everything by
Stephen Hawking, Bee Season by Myla Goldberg, American Gods by Neil
Gaiman, The Words by Jean-Paul Sartre (his autobiography), and the graphic
novel The Sandman: The Dream Hunters which was written by Neil Gaiman
also and illustrated by one of my favorite artists, Yoshitaka Amano. All look
like outstanding books, and I think all have gotten good critical reviews.
These should keep me busy for a while, but Ive still got to finish the books I
was already reading before my birthday. To be honest, nearly all the books
Ive bought and received during today seem like genius in one form or
another. So many geniuses: Stephen Hawking, Yoshitaka Amano, Neil
Gaiman, Ken Wilber, Jean-Paul Sartre, Mohandas Gandhi, Paul Pope. All
unimaginably brilliant visionaries and/or thinkers. These people are like
gods to me. Getting books by so many great and creative people overwhelms
me, but at the same time it makes my heart swell with excitement. The
amazing thing is that the majority of them are still alive and live somewhere
in this world.

P a g e | 810

I think it was middle school when I realized there was something, shall we
say peculiar, about me. I love the lot of humanity beyond comprehension,
but I also see quite a bit of ignorance out in the real world. So much so that
its as if the being of ignorance has been staring me in the face all along.
When I was in school, especially when I got into middle school and above, I
had what seemed like trouble connecting to people. I was timid and anxious
when out in crowded places. More so than I am now. I had a bad habit of
wanting to shut myself away in my room, be a recluse and lose myself in
whatever I was drawing or reading at the time. Have made progress since
them, but Im still working on it. I still want to do that sometimes, but I want
to get out in the world and make my mistakes more often now. When I
become a true recluse and when I shut myself away from everyone too
much, it can depress me severely and make me feel bad. Ive always found a
type of acceptance in the concept of escapism and creativity that I just didnt
find in many other people besides Mom and Dad, which always seemed kind
of sad to me. I dressed differently, had more tense mannerisms, and talked
more softly than your average guy. I had intensely sensitive feelings when I
was a child and young teen. If I heard one heartless comment or a couple
from someone I did or didnt know, I wouldnt know how I was supposed to
handle it and I would spend a lot of time going over the words in my mind
and sulking or feeling sorry for myself. Now that I have that sense of
something far greater than me and love for myself (and humanity),
compassion and newfound peacerather than self-hatred and hatred for
humanityI have that extra sense of comfort and calmness-of-mind that I
simply did not have before. Sure I still feel hatred and depression
sometimes, but everyone does (which is something I didnt realize before)
and it doesnt penetrate my psychological components nearly as much as it
did. Ive always had a problem with people looking at me the wrong way,
though. Its probably not always me that makes them make that expression,
though. I just dont care what the world thinks as much now as I used to. I
openly admit to my closer family that I do practice Buddhism, and they still
love and accept me anyway, which is reassuring. If I really cared what the
world thought of me as a person, would I really still have that initial
motivation to get published and share my thoughts, visions, and ideas with
the world somehow, even if it is indirectly, which may in consequence allow
me to have even less of a private life or alone time, if I were to become rich
or famous. I dont think so, but then again, I may not have any clue what Im
getting myself into. When I write this journal, I write for myself, but if I
eventually become published or make a collaborative project, my deeply
personal work and cerebral manifestations of various forms will then be

P a g e | 811

completely available and open to public scrutiny. Im sure thats not an easy
thing to take. You do take various risks if you end up living your life as a
public figure. I guess technically, in a certain way, Im an adult already. Im
18. Perhaps thats why Im reflecting on my life as a youth, talking about
animation lessons, my early social inadequacies, and whatnot.

P a g e | 812

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 49

P a g e | 813

November 2001

After looking at that Sandman: The Dream Hunters book, seeing the
eloquent prose and elaborate and atmospheric illustrations by Yoshitaka
Amano, I must say it looks like one of the most beautiful graphic novels Ive
ever seen in my life. So, what are the best graphic novels Ive ever read so
far? My favorites so far are Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: Directors Cut,
Akira, Preacher (the first TP), Mad Love by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm, and
Sandman: The Dream Hunters.

Ive fit into the crowd at times, but I did not find it rewarding one bit. I
found it prosaic, uncreative, boring and empty. Browsing through the pages
of Jean-Paul Sartres Being and Nothingness or Sandman: The Dream
Hunters or reading Awakening the Buddha Within or One Taste filled me
with so much contentment. I honestly dont seek something that is
acceptable by normal societys standards, if there is any such thing as a
normal person. For as long as I can remember, Ive constant sought after
something just a little more profound, poignant and imaginative. It all started
with Kevin Smith, Good Will Hunting, Final Fantasy III, the Smashing
Pumpkins, Green Day, Stephen King, local overnight talk radio, Jhonen
Vasquez, and Spawn. Now Ive graduated to spirituality, fine art, art school,
and philosophy, among other things.

I guess I do kind of have tenacity towards my work. My creative work, not

my work work. That may make me successful, and it may not. If there are
two new things Id like to be, theyd have to be an illustrator and an artist
with a good design sense.

My brother just said something very bizarre to me. Joey, you know how it
is the in middle of the night. Ive been walking in my sleep and I quote his

P a g e | 814

exact words. Maybe he was smoking pot while he was out of the house. He
may be on something. I never can tell with him.

You get one original and prolific artist who becomes revered and famous,
you invariably get a lot of rip off artists whose work is obviously pale
plagiarisms of the prolific artists work. Two good examples are Yoshitaka
Amano and Frank Cho. You get one good artist like Frank Cho, and
suddenly on his official message board you get some aspiring artists who rip
them off and talk like they know everything there is to know about art and
drawing, but not in an original way (you can tell theyve learned how to
draw faces by tracing those of their idols). This happens to every popular
artist. I mean, I am influenced by the innovations, aesthetics and skill of
Frank Cho and Yoshitaka Amano, but Im not so obsessed with one
particular artist that I consciously try to make every single one of my
drawings look the same, which is to say a traced version of one of their
drawings. Im not unoriginal and stupid enough to do that. A lot of the
sketches I make up or copy all look different. Nearly all of my more recent
drawings look different from one another. Even a lot of my gestures look
different. So maybe I am varied and prolific for doing this, but so what? I
have a long way to go until I actually develop and create real talent.
Michelangeloor at least I think it was he had been drawing for much of
his life, and not until his years as an old man did he state that he had only
scratched the surface of his drawing. Picasso clearly stated when he looked
at childrens drawings, when he was their age, he could draw like Raphael,
but it took him a lifetime to learn to draw like them. As for me, I am now
certain that I know how to draw, but I dont draw enough and I get
discouraged too easily. This is a barrier Im going to need to transcend if I
truly want to achieve artistic success or worth of any kind whatsoever. I
dont believe in cheating my audience. When I work on a drawing, I want
every line, vision, color and technique (among other things) to have a
purpose, just as in writing where every word must serve a purpose to
integrate the totality of the whole, thus achieving what would perhaps be
integral creativity.

I believe Ill be drawing soon, but Id like to think up one or two new things
to write about before that happens, though.

P a g e | 815

I definitely like Salvador Dalis and Edward Goreys artwork.

Now that I think about it, spirituality can easily go hand in hand with art. I
think I first truly realized that one night when I meditated, after I finished the
breathing exercises, even when I moved and got up, I continued breathing
rhythmically and therefore my benevolent, euphoric, and peaceful state
continued, which led into my drawing at the desk, and I think that was the
easiest, most comfortable, happiest, and most lighthearted ten or twenty
minutes of drawing Ive ever had in my life. It was nothing like the previous
type of drawing I was used to doing, which was connected with the feelings
of frustration and intimidation. And Im sure when the Renaissance artists
were creating those enormous works, Im sure their conviction in the
existence of and faith in the God they believed in, whom they believed gave
them their genius, sustained them through the unimaginably painful and
strenuous amount of work they had to put into the painted masterpieces that
are now many of the greatest masterpieces in the history of the world. Artists
like Leonardo da Vinci, Raphael, Vincent van Gogh, Rembrandt, and
Michelangelo.

Just recently, Ive realized something. If you really want to make a

difference, a big difference, in the world, be influential, and impact a lot of
peoples lives in profound ways, you have to have a decent cause, and you
have to stand behind it firmly with conscientious courage and genuine
conviction. This can apply to nearly any field. If you have a cause, you cant
just be passive about what you believe and let the world suffocate you or
oppress you with its majority mentality or conformity. People will often fear
or even hate those who refuse to go with the crowd or conform. They are the
ignorant ones, though. They are not perceptive enough to look towards the
universal or the future. This is why revolutionaries, visionaries, and geniuses
have never really fit in very well with the real world, but they changed the
world, and did it more so than about 80% or 90% of the entire population.
To achieve this, it often takes standing behind what is not very popular at all,
but is intrinsically just, nonetheless. For people to know about a cause, the
person with the cause has to be out in the publics eye in one way or another,
even if they do get scrutinized, and they always do get scrutinized in one
way or another. There will always be and have always been the critics,
oppressors and skeptics who dont want change or reform, dont want to

P a g e | 816

avoid conformity and want everything to stay just as it is. Sometimes

talking, mumbling or whispering is not good enough. For someone to get his
or her cause across, and end up affecting the world, one often has to shout in
order to be heard. If youre not out in the world, your art is not out in the
world, or your writing is not out in the world, how is anyone going to know
about your cause. If you dont shout your cause or what you stand for in
order to be heard and not get smothered by conformity, how is the world
going to ever know you exist? This is even if having the world know you
and your cause exist entails scrutiny. Martin Luther King and Mahatma
Gandhi were both attacked, abused and killed simply because of their
universal causes, or what they believed and had conviction in, but they
invariably ended up affecting the world and revolutionizing the way people
in general think about equal treatment, equality, and justice. The key is to
not be afraid of how people will perceive you or think of you, once you and
your cause are out in the world for everyone to see. You cant think too
much about the opposition, the scrutiny, or the animosity. If any of the great
visionaries and revolutionaries of the past had thought too much about their
oppressors and those who opposed them or hated them, or about how many
people they were really affecting in one way or another, they would have
gotten caught up in thinking about it and they never would have gotten
anything done. Sometimes if you have a cause to stand behind, the worst
antagonist you have is yourself or the psychology of your mind thinking
about the enormity of your influence, the insecurity, or intimidations.

Well, Im taking a short break from my drawing session I was just having. It
was going wonderfully. I was looking through some of my recent drawings
that I did not too long ago, at least for the most part, and after seeing the
mistakes and strong points in each of them, as well as seeing how different
pretty much all of them were from each other, I was suddenly inspired to
draw, and so I did just that. I drew a pencil sketch interpretation of one of
the surrealism painting out of my Salvador Dali calendar. I made the extra
effort at the rendering and shading, and it actually turned out quite good. I
was very pleased with it, even though it wasnt as good as the original
painting and it could have been rendered even more finely to make it seem
even more three dimensional and realistic. Overall, not bad. It was also not
exactly like any of my previous drawings. Actually, it was a lot different,
which is a good thing. You can attain becoming prolific if you make a lot of
your work varied, but also a product of quality at the same time. Thats my
philosophy, anyway. It doesnt have to be anyone elses and I wouldnt

P a g e | 817

expect it to be. Drawing things out of books helps teach me how to be a

better artist overall and have things like more realism and better line quality,
among tons of other things. Im no Yoshitaka Amano, but then again, who
is? Not many. Thats for sure. Hes one of the best illustrators and
storytellers in the world, and I dont think Im exaggerating when I say that.
Jamie Hewlett, from Tank Girl and Gorillaz, is pretty amazing himself, too.
A lot of the best artists Ive ever seen either are not entirely involved in
animation or comic books, theyre usually just the design guys or
character designers, and provide artistic inspiration for the staff of lesser
known artists. Mike Mignola was just such a person when he did design
work for Disney Feature Animations Atlantis or do not do either. Todd
McFarlane is an animated music video director and animated series
executive producer, but hes definitely more of one of those concept creative
directors. Hes definitely got some concrete concepts and a lot of cool ideas
for music videos and animated shows. Spawn: the Animated Series was way
fucking innovative. Tim Burton is a great visionary concept artist also,
although his actual aesthetics are not the best. He has amazingly imaginative
ideas, though. I mean, just look at Beatlejuice, the Nightmare Before
Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, Stainboy, and the animated short, Vincent,
and try to tell me those arent original creative ideas. Maybe Ill get to be
one of those concept artists or illustrators one day. I wont be one of the best,
but Ill be one, and thats all that matters. Im sure the job of being a concept
man pays fairly decently.

I wrote another one page essay today in class, but I kind of had to hide the
fact that I was writing while I was writing it. The title was called Reality
and that was what it was about. I guess apparently my writing and especially
reading are being persecuted by my teacher, because she tells me Im not
doing enough of my school work, so Im going to have to save a lot of my
reading and writing for home. No biggie, though. I like working at home
anyway. I think Ill go read, write another essay or a couple, and then try to
get back to drawing some more, which hopefully will not be too hard, but it
is getting late, and I know how this whole too-tired bullshit phase goes.

What more can I say? To me, life is very good and rewarding. Life is
ephemeral. Suffering is a natural part of authentic life, especially authentic
human life. Im going to die one day, but the life Ive lived thus far has been
quite a enjoyable one, especially recently. I seem to have way too many

P a g e | 818

luxuries. A nice home, colleges that I can go to if I so choose, knowledge,

creativity, talent, wisdom, intelligence, a loving family, good friends,
Buddhist practice, spirituality, a day job that pays money, access to a private
school without homework. I dont need millions. I already am rich, both in
mind and in spirit, but not in body. I could stand to lose a couple pounds (at
least 20 or so). I have plenty of imperfections, but I have plenty of luxuries
and advantages as well, so living life as myself has both its advantages and
its disadvantages.

So where are my creative resources and ways to make contacts within the
industries? Ill tell ya! I have a bunch of web addresses. These are ones Ive
known for a while. Creativescreenwriting.com, simonsays.com for Simon
and Schuster which is quite possibly the biggest American literary
publishing house in the world, calarts.edu, rsad.edu for the Ringling School
of Art and Design, Harvard.edu, writersdigest.com, diamondcomics.com,
slavelabor.com for SLG publishing, onipress.com, darkhorse.com,
dreamworks.com, angelfire.com and geocities.com for webhosting, and
namesecure.com is good for registering your .com name. These are only the
ones for me that are good places to figure out how to make contacts.
Knowing someone in the industry as well as having talent and great, solid,
concrete work is useful or beneficial as well. But of course theyre going to
be a lot more beneficial than having a list of websites. Talent is invaluable in
an industry filled with clichs, pandering and prosaic creativity. I mean, how
exactly did Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, Stephen King, Yoshitaka Amano, and
The Beatles get to the positions theyre in exactly. I dont necessarily think it
was flukes. It mostly takes talent to get far and respected. I was just talking
to the local comic book store manager, Tom about the publishing industry
and how sales and costs correlate into profit, and how profits are split
between the stores, the publishers, creative staff or creators, and publishing
costs, and he said the average amount of money you have to pay to get one
comic issue out there and get your name out there is about $10,000 and
theres not guaranteed return profit. Its still worth the risk though. This can
apply to any medium. Its one of those sacred secrets, which I seemed to
have observed, or at least I think it is. The trick is to produce one great piece
of work that you can be proud of, get it out there somehow by publishing it,
distributing it, advertising it or promoting itthrough things such as the
Internet (search engines), retail stores, catalogues, film festivals, comic book
conventions, agents, producers, message boards, or exposure through
television and other media sources like newspapers or radio-which is often

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how one makes one or multiple contacts. But the key is to get your stuff out
there. If you think its good and you know that other people will, find a way
to get your stuff out there, even if you have to do it in the most obscure
ways. If your stuff is truly good, and its out there, people will eventually
start to take notice. Im determined to make an okay living off of my
creative work and ideas, but still manage to enjoy myself. Success and
respect can also be attributed to a lot of concentration, determination,
tenacity, and hard work. I think its also a good idea to have a product that is
innovative, not easily categorical (but still categorical in a broad sort of
way.), but also something that shows issues that a lot of people can relate to
(things like common humanity or suspense, irony, satire, or even humor),
such as a universal topic that a lot of people can grasp in one way or another.

I have drawing to do tonight. Perhaps I shouldnt delay so much. Its already

starting to get late. I tend to have more energy for my drawing when I start
earlier in the day, not that I cant do it an night if I really try and make an
effort.

When I think about it, Im not hardcore hell bent on becoming a comic book
artist or animation artists. I just like drawing and illustrative art in general,
whether its hardcore illustration, storyboard art, comic book art, or
something else entirely. I just like creating, being creative, making drawings
and telling a story. It would be too black-and-white to me for me to think
that good storytelling has to be confined to one specific medium. That would
actually seem kind of depressing to me. I believe in pursuing any creative
medium as long as its the one that allows me to get my story across the best.
Its tough to define my comic book style right now, because Im not exactly
sure if its more realistic and rendered detail or cartoony, or a cross between
both. I hope its the third one. Sometimes Ill draw funky, surrealism, or
cartoony, and sometimes Ill draw finely rendered detailed anatomically
correct fine art. Right now Im drawing and experimenting with different
visual looks (curves, proportions, and shapes) so much that I cant really say
what category or look it is specifically. Id have to have a finished comic
book I created to know that. I guess the same could apply to my writing. My
writing voice is constantly shifting tones and pungent tastes. Sometimes it
can be creative, profound, humorous, complex, simple, dark, poignant,
scary, bizarre, fantasy like, analytical, historical, poetic, philosophical or
even intellectual. I mean judging something as simple as the two scripts and

P a g e | 820

the couple of short stories (as well as premises for some), and the essays Ive
written, a lot of them are different from each other. The Stoopid Show is
different than my Zounds! script. Stoopid Show is more serious, unforgiving,
and harsh, but it also has more messages. Conspiracy Central is a lot
different than One October Day or A Cold Day in the City. All my essays are
about different topics and Im trying to avoid recurring themes right now
before I stick to just a couple specific themes. Im trying to write about as
many good topics that I can think of at once. If theres one main goal of my
creative workand there probably isnt just oneit would probably be
striving for being able to create variety. I can already do that to a mediocre
extent, but Im working on doing it a lot more. Perhaps even twice as much.

These journals are horrible. Theyre pretentious, self-indulgent, egotistical,

spiteful which are their worst traits among others. Theyre enjoyable for me
to read, but theyre bore the average reader to death. I would certainly not
publish them on my own, because I dont believe all of them are well written
enough to be the standard I consider publishable. Theirs is less detectable
pretentiousness in my essays. This journal would seem like nothing more
than a piece of literary self-indulgence and bullshit to the collective reader.
Unless Im a big best-selling novelist or respected thinkerand I am neither
the former nor the latter at this moment in timeno ones going to want to
read about my daily escapades as a half-ethnic, Buddhist, Generation
X/Yer. I have to be honest about my work. Its not that good. At times it
has bad grammar, is poorly done grammar wise, and boring. I dont feel bad
about myself or my stronger writing one bit though. Im sure if my own
personal life was in the limelight, people would be pretentious enough to
pass all the superficial judgments on myself, my personal life, and my work.
Theyd probably try to over criticize me, doing things like saying I have no
talent, no creativity, Im not Buddhist enough, Im indecisive, Im ignorant,
I have a big ego and I have a messed up life. Whatever. None of those
claims are valid, though. I like many proficient writers, thinkers and artists,
have a better conception of myself, and my life than anyonewho has
nothing more to judge me than a couple words and pictures manifested on
paperwould. I am the one who exists in this body and mind after all.
Theyre not me. If youre out in the public, someones going to be bitter or
envious and try to make you feel bad about yourself. Will the world
acknowledge my vision, if thats what you prefer to call it? That is tough to
say. Some may assume Im some sort of a genius, and some may view me as
the epitome of pretentiousness and ignorance, but if I become a public

P a g e | 821

figure, Ill still have gotten farther than them. I have compassion for
everyone, though. For both those who hate me and those who love me. The
entire theories of compassion, altruism, the cosmos, liberation, freedom,
enlightenment, peace, and love are older, more ancient, more universal, and
more profound than any tangible state I could think of or embrace in my
present lifetime. I think as long as Im alive my ego will still be to large and
I will probably continue to suffer unless I make enormous spiritual progress.
Ill keep making mistakes and Ill keep learning from those mistakes. Ill
keep failing and Ill keep improving. Thats all part of the process of
attaining perfection. Ill explain. Actual perfection by itself does not exist,
kind of like a personal God. Perfection goes no farther than actually being a
state of constant progress and improvement, just as the true concept of God
is manifested through the act of spiritual progress. Both of these two
perfections are actually nothing more than states of improvement, personal
evolution, and change. These thoughts are really nothing new, Im assuming.
Some historic writer, spiritual leader, or philosopher, at one time or another,
has stated the same thing or thought something similar. It truly is very rare,
especially now, that someoneone individualis able to make a statement,
or create a specific vision or cause, that is entirely new. I think its more of a
case of observing the past and reflecting on all the information that was
collected in it, and apply all these things and learn from them. Tim Burton is
nothing new. Edward Gorey was there first. Neither was Trent Reznor or
Marilyn Manson. Skinny Puppy was there first. Chuck Berry was there
before the Beatles or Elvis, just as European Renaissance artists were there
before American realists. Plato was there before nearly every major western
philosopher.

Ive just realized something. Theres really no career in America thus far as
a manga or anime artist, or a furry anthropomorphic artists, yet many artists
are stuck drawing nothing but these things. Sure these drawing styles are
popular by mostly amateur artists, but what major companies in America
that actually make money and can provide salaries for artists, hire artists
who draw like this?? Disney, Marvel, DC, Hannah Barbera, Nickelodeon,
Fox, Film Roman, Rough Draft, Dreamworks, SLG, Oni, and MTV
animationwhich are basically all the famous and high paying companies
do not. The only place that does, I think, is that crappy comic book
publishing company Antarctic Press, and they produce some flat out bad
comic books. I personally think Gold Digger and Ninja High School suck
quite a bit. The artwork is not very good. The anatomy and style are poor.

P a g e | 822

Never bought an issue, but Ive glanced through some of them. I disliked
them a lot. I dont see why so many writers and artists think there is some
magic key to success or best-seller status. It all comes down to a lot of hard
work and practice. Thats certainly not magic.
Just did about three pages of sketches not too long ago, and it was around
3:00 in the afternoon or so. Aside from the Dream Hunters inspired one, I
definitely like the dancing monk I drew. Thats a funny drawing. In my
opinion, the way it was drawn was humorous and it showed a lot of energy,
randomness and movement in the shape of the pose. I would love to animate
that dancing monk. I like the idea a lot. It seems really funny. Hes doin ah
widdle jig! The Bodhisattva dance. I had a lot of fun drawing earlier today,
so Ill probably draw some more in a little bit. When picking reference
material, Im not as specific or picky as I used to be. A really good artist can
pick pretty much any drawing by someone else and do a recreation or
rendition of it, no matter how complex it is. Thats how you get good at
drawing in the first place. You also get good at writing by writing a lot
everyday, if possibleand reading other peoples writing, which is
hopefully good writing. Im reading about four books at once right now.
Painted Spider, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, High Fidelity,
and The Elegant Universe. I may either move onto another Ken Wilber
book, Soul Mountain, or Tis next, once I finish one of the four books Im
reading.

I dont have art lessons this week, which is a good thing because I dont
think I practiced doing gesture drawings enough during the beginning of this
week and the last half of last week. I think I should go now. I have some
reading, meditating, and more drawing to do.I was just doing some things.
I did two of the things I was planning on doing so far, and I have just one
left to do until I finish. I meditated for about 40 minutes, which is a new
record for memust have been because I was relaxed and I got the aches
out of my body from sitting there for so longand I read a chapter out of A
Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, which was one of the last
chapters in the book. It was the chapter where Toph and Dave got to see Bill
Clinton, who at the time the book was written was the president, walk out of
a restaurant and Toph got to shake his hand.

P a g e | 823

I think Ill go back to reading around 8: 50 or so, but writing about the time I
start or resume drawing before I actually start or resume drawing is the
smooch of death, because it often means the beginning or continuation will
not happen. I suppose I could start now, but that wouldnt be any fun. Im
not sure why Im waiting though. Im having trouble thinking of a journal
topic to write about and theres nothing on television, except The Fairly Odd
Parents and music videos on MTV or MTV 2. There usually isnt anything
interesting on VH1, or even Comedy Central for that matter. Whenever I do
get bored, however, its a good idea to occupy my time with effortful
drawing, gesture drawings, or essay writing, rather than filling up journal
files with brain vomit or egocentric babble. This doesnt really seem that
much like egocentric babble, though. It actually seems decently written and
semi-meaningful. The reason I dont like television is because it rarely says
something meaningful or stimulates the mind, thus making it prosaic in
nature. Its often just a bunch of flashy images and/or hip stories, which
are usually internally superficial. I like watching cartoons, but a lot of them
are too childish and simplistic. Thats one of the reasons Id like to create,
write and/or produce an animated series, because Id try very hard to make it
thoughtful and visually elaborate. Invader Zim has come close to achieving
that. I like how its pace very quickly, but I dont think it came close
enough. The animated version of Spawn was one of my favorite
contemporary animated series of all time. I also loved Doctor Kats, the
famous cartoon duos Ren & Stimpy, Beavis and Butthead, as well as
Duckman, The Tick, Dog City, Eek the Cat, The Critic, Batman: The
Animated Series, Animaniacs, Tiny Toon Adventures, Tazmania, Earthworm
Jim, Bobbys World, and The Simpsons. I absolutely loved all those shows!
They captured my imagination and always made me laugh, because they
were off the wall and wacky as hell. Id like to make a cartoon show that
was like that, except the visuals would be elaborate like something youd see
in anime.

I always thought Superman sucked when compared to Batman. His costume

didnt look as cool, his world was less bizarre, psychological and of course
less dark, and he seemed less intelligent than Batman/Bruce Wayne, yet
Superman always seemed more powerful. I never thought Superman was in
any real danger, no matter what the story was, unless the plot involved
Kryptonite in one form or another, which is of course the only thing that
could possibly stop superman from saving the day/world. This to me, makes
for a pretty predictable and prosaic storytelling approach, because it is

P a g e | 824

redundant and predictable. One thing Ive noticed is that there does seem to
be a kind of dual element between Superman and Batman. Batmans
costume is dark. Supermans is light. This to me could perhaps be equated
with the yin/yang symbol, which contrasts black and white (light/dark).
Batman was mysterious, analytical and twisted. Superman up front, direct,
simple, and noble. The two concepts and styles contrast very much in nature.
Batman was more intelligent than Superman just as DCs storylines are more
intelligent than the majority of Marvels ones. I think I should go draw now.
Did four more pages of drawings this evening. That makes for seven
drawings in one day, which is way above the average amount for me. Maybe
Ive been working harder at my drawing because Im more at ease. A lot of
people draw, but much fewer have actually gone to art school and learned
the basics. I was originally planning on going to either the California
Institute of the Arts, Joe Kuberts School of Cartooning and Graphic Design,
or the School of Visual Arts, but things have definitely changed, I suppose,
but I have a gut feeling that they will be for the better. Despite the fact that
Im probably not going to go to one of the top 2 or 3 schools, but still a good
school nonetheless, that doesnt mean that I have any less of a chance of
realizing my dreams. I can still transfer to CalArts if I want to, still get into
the comic book, animation, film, and book industry. I think even if I am
considered by many people to have master layout, color or anatomy, I think
Ill still take life-drawing and painting classes anyway. The reason being that
I love to draw and just because I get to the point of what is considered
proficient at one particular craft, I dont think Ill ever stop or want to stop
learning. That is the death of a good storyteller, when they think theyve
reached a stationary perfection and want to stop learning. Its not the final
product thats important. Its the process, because if you fall too in love with
the finished product, youll get discouraged when the final product ends up
being bad sometimes, but the finished product is not the point. Not to me at
least.

Its Thanksgiving today.

My face is starting to get hairy again, but not as hair as I hope it will get one
day. Right now, I have a small goatee on my chin, a hint of a mustache, and
subtle sideburns that reach the bottom of my ears. My body is a weird thing.
Its so fragile. It will only get weaker as I get older and older. Ill probably
be 55 or 58 one day, and Ive already gotten more than 800 journal file

P a g e | 825

pages written by the age of 18. I have two years to go until I turn twenty. I
dont feel anywhere near twenty, though. I still feel like Im in my midteens. Art school is just around the corner.
The weird thing about my life is that anything that took place before I started
keeping this computer journalschool, when I first started doing lessons,
the field trips, my drumming phase, visiting the relatives in Illinois,
underground comic books, Zounds!, band class, football, bowling, baseball,
mowing the lawn, dreaded Sunday school, Nintendo, Super Nintendo,
Gamepro, Nintendo Power, Johnny, Chrisseems positively ancient. All
those things seem like they happened an eon ago.

Ive gotten a lot more skilled, but my mission from the get-go was not to
completely jettison my old noble vision, and that was, in itself, the spirit of
individuality, weirdness, and humor. The good thing is that I believe I have
taken these things, added upon them and have ended up with something ten
times better and more proficient. My old way of writing and drawing, quite
frankly, sucked and was unappealing to anyone other than myself.

Now that I think about it, I may actually be glad that I have ADD, attention
deficit disorder. If anything, it has probably helped make me more creative,
innovative, and intelligent. The fact that my mind constantly darts around
everywhere to different areas of thought has probably helped my creative
process to become more open to try different ways of manifesting my
thoughts.

Im currently looking from this room into the kitchen, and what I see is
beautiful. All the being in the room of the kitchen seems to have that same
type of hazy glow youd see at the beach during the time of a sunset, either
on the water or on the sand. I not specifically using the term luminous
because I think the glow Im seeingIts either a natural glow or an
artificial one thats caused partially by my retinas and my glassesis not
necessarily a luminosity. I believe theres a difference. Id be more likely to
sense luminosity in something like a candle. I repeat that it is beautiful.
Perhaps what I see before me is but a mere current and contemporary epoch
in the miniature eon that is my current lifetime. I dont know where that

P a g e | 826

perception came from, but it really stood out to me, and I just felt like I had
to write about it. Its tough to describe things of beauty like thatthat glow
of the kitchenin words, but I try anyways, and I guess apparently Im able
to, or at least sometimes. I hope for all the time, but I only expect
sometimes, because I dont want to be over expectant.

No idea what to write about, but thats okay. Thats part of the fun of
figuring out what to write about it. Im sure many aspiring writers when
faced with a blank page would give up when the blank page was staring
them down and they lacked inspiration. For some reason, it doesnt bother
me, and I dont know when to quit. I write whatevers on my mind,
whenever its on my mind, because Im good like that.

Have some drawing to do today, and Im planning on starting early like I did
two or so days ago. For breakfast this morning I had some leftover
Thanksgiving dinner food. Stuffing, which was good. For me, leftovers tend
to loose the appeal they had when they were just starting out, fresh and new,
but not that plate of stuffing apparently.

No artist now is without his or her influences. There are certain ones whom
Im studying now specifically. Not too long ago, I was studying Tim Burton,
Paul Pope, Yoshitoshi ABe, Edgar Degas and Gustav Klimt. Now Im
studying Eugene Delacroix (for detail, shading and lighting, and anatomy),
Hiroaki Samura (for backgrounds and spatial depth, as well as for faces and
anatomy), Salvador Dali (for creativity, variety, skill and bizarreness), and
Yoshitaka Amano (for skill, the amount of work put into single drawings,
atmosphere, and variety). And for drawing practice, there are plenty of
places to practice. These include in life drawing classes (with long poses, 1
minute and 30 second poses), at my drawing desk (drawing things out of
books, photographs, and from my imagination among other things), in my
sketchpads when Im moving around and traveling (in the car, around the
house, at parks, at cafes, in the backyard), and on my easel on the big
newsprint sketchpad in charcoal doing long poses and gesture drawings of
my pets, my family, and myself. I could do 8 to 20 drawings in a single day,
in a couple days in a row, if I really tried, but Im sure most of them would
be gesture drawings. Maybe thats the key. I just havent been trying hard

P a g e | 827

enough, which is probably true. Also, Ive just been thinking. If Im going to
an art school and am going to be majoring in an illustration program where
Im surrounded by a bunch of extremely talented artists, that means Im
going to have to put a lot of detail, concentration, aesthetics, and hard work
into each of my drawings. If I can master the single long drawing, I should
have no problem mastering drawing a bunch of smaller and more simplistic
drawings that I have to draw a lot faster. Im still on my way to developing
my own unique artistic voice. I just saw some of the Illustration program
graduate portfolios on the School of Visual arts website, and Im inspired by
those drawings to do ten times better than Im doing now, and to work ten
times harder, because those people had a hell of a lot more artistic talent than
me, so Im sure that means Im going to have to work even harder to
compensate. Thats what an artist should always do. One should always
strive to work harder and make the quality of their work better. That is the
ideal of the perfect artist, to always strive for learning and improving. To be
honest, I havent gotten or even sought much instruction in creative writing,
except for reading books, the self-taught kind, and whatnot. I have however
attended a writers group, but that was more of a get together of sharing
work, where I didnt really share any of my work, except it wasnt really a
place where a teacher taught a class. I havent gotten to the level of writing
Im at because someone told me how to write or what to write about. Ive
gotten to this level because I write a lot, as well as read a lot, and I love to do
it, which is the same kind of statement that could be adjusted and altered to
describe the motivation behind my drawing. My writing has pretty much
developed in isolation from the rest of the world. I dont share it all that
much. I dont need someone telling me this is how you should write. Id
rather decide that on my own, and Im very pleased with the way that my
writing has turned out so far, even though most of it only exists in journal
files, which is probably the main weakness in my writing. Its the fact that I
dont write enough fiction, reviews, or essays.

I just got back from the comic book store and my god! There are so many
cool comic books to choose from and read, most of which I havent read yet.
Even Marvel is putting out cool stuff. I just bought two Marvel books that
were drawn by Yoshitaka Amano and Jim Mahfood.

At around 4 or so, Ill get to drawing, which is not too late. Ill draw
whatever comes to mind, and work on some backgrounds. You know, when

P a g e | 828

I think about it, a relatively few number of people in this world have the
ability to draw and actually make their drawing look like something
concrete, and not just a squiggle or flimsy doodle. Some can draw scenery.
Some draw objects. Some draw monsters of animals. Some draw people and
the human figure. And a relatively small few draw all of these things
extremely well and with ease. I may have a gift or I may just have a natural
ability. When I saw that rendition of the Van Gogh Starry Night painting
that I did way back in elementary school, I realized I have a rare talent, like
Ive had a certain type of extraordinary artistic and creative ability ever since
I started to draw or picked up a drawing utensil. Now I also have the direct
ability to draw what I see down on paper relatively easily. I believe I
understand the creative process quite well. Better than I used to anyway. I
realize that a linea single line among manyin order to be expanded and
turned into a thing of beauty, needs to have purpose, weight, volume, mass,
three-dimensionality, and fluidity in order to create a melody of artistic
form.

Not a lot of people buy comic books. Books (hard covers and soft covers)
sell more than comic books. Videogames, music CDs, magazines, VHS
tapes, DVDs, television shows, and movie tickets sell more per year than
both comic books and books. Im not worried about how big of an audience
Ill have or how much money Ill make. Im just focused on getting into
college, doing the work, graduating college, and then finding that initial job.
Quite frankly Im not worried about how much Ill make because I dont
have any idea how much people in the fields Im interested in make. I dont
know how much M. Night Shyamalan made off of The Sixth Sense,
Tarantino made off of Pulp Fiction, Stephen King made off of Bag of Bones,
Jeff Smith has made off of Bone, Jhonen Vasquez made from his comic
books, or how much Neil Gaiman made off of Sandman. Im sure theyve
probably all made millions or at least close to it, but I dont know exactly
how much. It would be nice to know, but I wont until I actually get a job
like that. Maybe that just contributes to the mystery and excitement. I do
know however that if you go into publishing, you first get an advance, and
after that your book (in whatever form) has to subsequently sell a specific
number of copies to suffice for paying off the advance they initially paid
you, and if it doesnt sell enough, you owe the publisher money. If you do
well, then for the beginning amount of copies that are sold, the money made
off of each book sold is split between the author and the publisher, and if
you sell a ton, after a certain amount of copies is sold, you get the majority

P a g e | 829

of money from each copy of the book that is sold from a certain point on,
which is not too bad if your work is commercial and profitable in one form
or another. I dont know if my creative work is salable and I dont care. All I
know is that I, and the majority of the people I show it to, like it. Maybe
thats good enough. Maybe it isnt. Whenever I tell people I know about
some of my views. Everyone tells me I have a good attitude about things,
which is a view Ive never really thought about too much. I dont really look
back at the things I think and say Man, Im smart! or Man, I have a good
attitude! If I say something perceptive or something that has a lot depth,
reading it over can make me feel proud that Im the one who wrote it or like
Ill occasionally say things that have some profundity or intelligence, but Ill
pretty much never sit back and judge myself like some other person would
because Im not sure what I would look like to someone else.

Its already twelve minutes past four oclock. Damn. Time goes by really
fast. This means Im going to have to hit the drawing pad soon. I could
probably start out doing gesture drawings out of books and then move onto
doing gesture drawings of my mother or something of that nature. This is
after she wakes up of course. Perhaps Ill go read now.

Im not sure what my next portfolio piece is going to be. I only need three or
four more to probably get accepted at the Ringling School of Art and
Design. All I need to do in those is show a tight composition and spatial
depth, and Im in the clear. Im not out of the frying pan yet. Im planning
one drawing for an hour or more tonight, doing gestures and background
drawings. Thats probably all Ill concentrate on tonight. That should be
nice. Short and easy.

Ever since I started keeping my journal on this computer, my writing, its

voice and its style have all gotten a hell of a lot better. In the past year or two
alone, Ive transcended my own writing styleif thats what you want to
call itin every way measurable. I seem to actually be able to use words
and prose with a little bit of eloquence, which is not a trait I used to have. I
cant wait to get around to writing another fictional story with a decent story
and decent concepts, perhaps with a lot of gray areas like the last one I
wrote, the quiet and mysterious One October Day. Im not sure if Ill be able

P a g e | 830

to top that one anytime soon. I probably could if I went write into it and kept
writing until I had a couple chapters written. Thats how you write a novel.
One chapter at a time.

Im beginning to get tired, so I think thats an indicator that I should go to

bed fairly soon. Ive just been thinking. I seem to do that a lot lately. Im
trying to figure out what my favorite day of the week is. I think its either
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I dont like Mondays at this moment in time,
for the obvious reason that everyone seems to dislike Mondays for. The
reason I like the end of the week is because the weekend always seems like
its the days when I get to rest and relax, because I work very hard, always
doing one thing or another, always working both creatively, mentally and
physically. All this hard work tends to make me very tired, so I need a fair
amount of rest. I need my 8 to 12 or 13 hours of sleep each day. In a typical
day, I got to bed around 10 or 11 oclock at night, and I then wake up
usually sometime either around 10 a.m. or closer to or directly near noon. I
tend to sleep a lot at night. I enjoy sleep quite a bit. Resting my brain and
relaxing, releasing all that tension, makes me very happy. I get a lot of stress
too sometime. When I sit down and meditate or lay down and relax, it feels
really good, because I let all that tension and negative energy go when Im
completely relaxed, and it is thus replaced with vigor, renewed energy,
altruism, kindness, compassion, and happiness. I feel this way more often
than I feel the other way. Beauty, intelligence and profundity are some of the
things that make me happy. That and spending time with family and the few
friends I have. I enjoy having that sense of relaxation and comfort. Many
people dont have it, or at least not in the same way, which is something I
find very unfortunate. I can kind of tell this when I see all the sad, malicious,
stand offish, depressed, and tired looks in the faces of the people at my
work. Some people, the lucky few, have that look of happiness and
contentment in their faces, but many do not have this look. Its quite
unfortunate. That only serves to further prove the Buddhist statement that
life is difficult or life is suffering. I dont think anyone is unhappy all the
time, though.

I think the main thing Im worried about for when I go to college will be
transportation. I wont have a car, so Im probably going to need to carpool,
because Id probably prefer not to take the bus or ride a bike. The car is my
favorite way to travel. My dad says I should make some lists of the things I

P a g e | 831

like and dislike about the two schools Im applying to. I may do that pretty
soon. It wouldnt hurt.

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 50

P a g e | 832

November 2001

I just got back not to long ago from touring another art college and getting to
see another Floridian city near the beach. This time I got to stay with my
parents at Phil and Christines house for three or so days and see the Art
Institute of Fort Lauderdale. I also got to play with their daughter, Patricia,
whose nickname is Faith. They were so nice, sociable and welcoming. It
was great staying there, looking around Fort Lauderdale with Phil, and
seeing the Art Institute. There was an enormous Borders near the college
dorm room, which I got to see. The dorm rooms were all so very small, and
the main problem is that the dorms are 5 or so miles from campus, which
will be a problem. Im still keeping my options open and comparing the pros
and cons of each school. The awesome thing about the Art Institute is that its
curriculum seems exceptional, and Phil will also be there, but I really didnt
like the idea of being stuck in a small dorm like that and having to commute
to college every day, which is probably why its more likely that Ill go to
Ringling. I know Phil really wants me to go to the Art Institute of Fort
Lauderdale, but I also realize that I need to go where its going to be the
easiest to make the transition from high school to college and where Im
going to feel comfortable. The good thing is that it seems as if Ill have an
easy time getting into both colleges when I apply to both of them, for
various reasons, and that it seems like both colleges want me to attend their
schools . I like both schools, but I think its the commute thats helping me
make this decision. Phil is such a great guy, a good friend, and I dont like
the idea of turning him down and not going to his school, but I think hell
understand. Few people go to, and are accepted at Ringling alsothey have
around a 59% acceptance rate, and it also has that wonderful museum
right next to it, even though I wont get to see Phil, the great man himself, in
person there, at Ringling. I got to show him what drawings I had been doing
since I saw him last in June, both at home and in the life drawings classes.
He was blown away. He said it was way beyond any level he would have
expected me to be at, and he seemed to really love the drawings. He saw the
finished Cyber-Angel portfolio piece, and he said Oh yeah. Cool! And I got
to see the start of this. The amazing thing, I find, is that its only been a

P a g e | 833

mere 6 or so months since I stopped taking lessons from him when he and
his family had to move to Weston, near Fort Lauderdale. And when I say I
showed him all my work. I mean hundreds of pages of drawings. Gestures,
layouts, finished drawings and the like.

Well, Ive counted how many words in this journal Ive written in this past
month (November) alone, and from the first of the month to right now, Ive
written about 30,000 words, or perhaps a little more than that. I would have
had more if I would have been able to write in the last three days, but thats
fine because I got to see Phil and Christine (and Faith).

My brother Andrew is in the hospital from another kidney stone attack!

Fuck! It makes me sad to see the poor guy in so much pain and confusion.
He was admitted to the hospital earlier today when we were on our way
home from Phil and Christines house near Fort Lauderdale.

Now that I think about it, not every 18-year-old in the year 2001 is a selfproclaimed genius; is going to art school; has got personal one-on-one
animation/art lessons, befriending, and mentoring from a guy who is a head
teacher and administrator at a Floridian art school; has illustrated drawings
for a veterinarians office and a book thats been published and distributed in
more than 5 countries; goes to a private school; has a website or knows web
design and HTML; has called a top-rated radio talk show thats syndicated
statewide multiple times and has gotten on a best-of segment; written a letter
to Gamepro magazine and gotten the letter published in the magazine;
knows who Yoshitaka Amano is; has written over 60 philosophical essays in
a few months; has posted on message boards for comic book creators and
publishers with cult followings and traded emails with Jamie S. Rich, whos
the editor in chief at the popular indie comic company Oni Press; has drawn
a rendition of a Vincent Van Gogh painting when he was in elementary
school during either the fourth of fifth grade; has written a fan letter to Dave
Barry and gotten a response; reads Indie comics and manga; is a practicing
Buddhist; or knows what cosmology and ontology are. Now that I think
about it, perhaps Im not that normal, but Id like to think differently and
still be allowed to consider myself normal. I try not to reflect on my
accomplishments too much. Im done boasting. Its time to diminish my

P a g e | 834

already oversized ego by reflecting on whatever flaws I havebecause I

certainly have a lot of themas well as on the people who have a lot more
talent than I do.

You know, I dont know where my creative ideas come from, or where my
visions, stories, character designs, styles, writing and drawing ability come
from. I wish I knew though. Perhaps its a gift from God, perhaps its talent,
or perhaps its something else altogether. From some place or intangible
source that no one has discovered or heard of yet. I dont know where all
this creative energy comes from, but I wouldnt trade it for the world. Im
not brilliant, but I am able to produce creative work relatively regularly.

I dont know where the whole sellout mantra comes from. I think thats
just part of the superfluous pretentious counter-culture philosophy bullshit
that goes with hating people who are accepted and successful. There is
always animosity that comes with this particular cultural or societal
phenomenon. I dont see why there needs to be so much hatred and hostility.
I think quality work should speak universally and transcend mainstream or
indie entertainment. I think youll occasionally have a gem like The Sixth
Sense, Akira, the Kevin Smith film Clerks, or Johnny The Homicidal Maniac
that can fit this non-categorical description, but unfortunately the vast
majority of work in entertainment is confined to the mainstream or indie
titles much easier, and unfortunately the majority of unpublished and unproduced work is below the level or plateau of genre-confined mainstream
or independent product. I believe the case is often that the presumptive
proclamation of what is believed to be bullshit is actually a type of bullshit
within itself.

When I think about it, when I try to declare what type of writer I am, Id
prefer not to use a specific categorical title. Im not a humorist or a suspense
author, or even a columnist. Im a writer, which in my opinion should be
good enough and all that matters. I dont think I need to get any more
specific than that. Theres really no need to.

P a g e | 835

Yesterday I was scared of going to college and living in a dorm. Now Im

embracing the concept and am excited about the adventure. I dont think
living in a dorm with a roommate will be all that bad. I might make a new
friend or something, which would be spectacular, especially if that friend
had a license, because I do not right now and Im not going to be able to get
much experience driving before I go off to college.
Just had dinner and Im preparing to go to my life drawing for animators
class. Shouldnt be too hard. After getting to see two completely separate art
schools, doing well in this life-drawing class at Crealde should be a cinch.
The only thing stopping me from doing a great drawing is nervousness and
the anxiety about doing bad ones.

I know Im a practicing Buddhist, but Im not sure which school I belong to.
Im starting to think Zen, because I believe you might need a monk to teach
you the Tibetan or Dzogchen School. So therefore I believe Ill practice Zen.
I love meditation practice and Zen places much emphasis on practicing
meditation. Of course Im always working towards enlightenment. Isnt
everyone? I believe I have a pretty decent amount of good karma, but I still
have bad karma for this life and my past lifetime. I also believe Im
somewhat of a Taoist, but I believe in it more for the philosophy and
universal force of the way than I do for the religion aspect, if it is a religion
that is. I am agnostic about an anthropocentric Christian God, I believe in
God as the manifestation of all that is right and positive in the world. I
believe in the spirit, but not in a religious sort of way, its more of a
humanistic spirit. I do agree with bits and pieces of the Christian and Jewish
philosophy, like not killing, love, and humility. I believe wholeheartedly in
reincarnation. The spirit is like a good-looking, comfortable sweater on a
cold, humid and windy autumn day. When you get cold and shaky, you put it
on, and it warms you, makes you feel at home and comfortable. It gives you
the warm-hearted feeling. I wouldnt necessarily correlate it with faith or
God. Id more likely call it a way of life and something to take with you
wherever you go. I believe that is the nature of the spirit. I am certainly not
wise enough to be a spiritual teacher or leader of any sort, but I do believe I
have a grasping of a concrete personal concept of spirituality. I took a while
for me to come around to it and embrace it, because as an atheist I used to
oppose and hate religion, but now I embrace the spiritual side of things. In a
way, that universal force guides everything I do, but I had to learn to believe
in myself first, before I could believe in anything else. In a certain sense, I

P a g e | 836

dont believe in God, but in another sense, I do. That is probably why I
classify myself partly as an agnostic. The church isnt really a place to find
the spiritual devout. Its more of a place where youll find people adhering
to cultural or heritage conformity, and people who go to church for
enjoyment or recreation. Pretty much anything thats commercial is not truly
spiritual, so therefore the church is not spiritual because it is a business. A
lot of organized religions are based primarily on money and basing your
existing primarily around the attainment of money is surely a spiritual
poison, just as living in ignorance, pleasure, and desire is, and any deeply
spiritual person automatically knows this by heart. Generation X and Y are
not very spiritual generations, especially in the modern western world. This
is why cursing, drugs, alcohol, irreverence, arrogance, and sex are so
popular amongst the youth of America and a lot of other youth in the west.
The majority of the modern world is neither spiritual nor religious, nor does
it have any conception of what spirituality or religion is. Now that I think
about it, the majority of the world does not have an extremely high level of
intelligence either. We dont really have too many geniuses living in this
world, with the exception of the people who work very, very hard and make
universal decisions. The Dalai Lama, Ken Wilber, and Gandhi are and were
spiritual geniuses. Bill Gates is a computer genius. Pablo Picasso, Leonardo
Da Vinci, Norman Rockwell, Edward Gorey, and Vincent Van Gogh were
artistic geniuses. Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein are and were
scientific geniuses. Martin Luther King was a civil rights genius. These
people are not the majority, though. They are the rare exception, which
maintains the balance, but is also the problem, because ignorance
outnumbers intelligence.

Today should be very good. It should go really well. I dont see why it
wouldnt. Im planning on doing my schoolwork consistently and also Im
pretty sure Ill be drawing too when I get home. Perhaps Ill read, meditate,
and write some essays also. Now that I think about it, since Im an adult, or
am at least on my way to being a working adult, I make no apologies to the
world. I dont apologize for anything Ive done, with the exception of giving
my parents a hard time. I dont apologize for threatening to kill my arrogant
old classmates at LymanThey were assholes anyways, and I never would
have really gone through with that threatI think that was actually put to
my advantage when I ended up going to a specialized private school. I regret
speaking harshly about other human beings, but I will not apologize for
myself or my actions. I will not apologize for not going with the crowd, or

P a g e | 837

not being cool or trying to fit in. I wont apologize for acknowledging that
Im a genius. I wont apologize for being a compassionate Buddhist. I wont
apologize for being weird or intelligent. Im proud to be these things. Im
more proud to be those things than I am to be an American. Ah yes, I have a
flag burning appointment at 2 oclock this afternoon. Very well. Im fine
just the way I am.
Got home from school. I believe Ive made and am still making tremendous
improvements in my art and writing. Ive evolved as an artist. Im not
trapped in that amateurish, childhood stage of art anymore, or at least I think
Im not. I think Im actually starting to approach my creative work
professionally. Im an artist and Im a writer. I dont know if Ill ever be on
the same level of prestige, reverence and respect as someone like, say,
Norman Rockwell, Pablo Picasso, Andy Warhol, or Salvador Dali. They
were fine art celebrities and were well known by the general public. Not bad
for someone who creates images on paper with pencils and paint. When I
think, about what level of art I want to achieve, I want to transcend the Tim
Burton or Roman Dirge level. Perhaps Ill even go beyond the Frank Cho
level. Im hoping for the Yoshitaka Amano, Dean Cornwell, Salvador Dali,
and Will Eisner levels. And to achieve this level, Im going to need to
receive a lot of art instruction. I think the classes Im taking now at Crealde,
four or three years of intensive study at a famous Floridian art school like
the Ringling School of Art and Design or the Art Institute of Fort
Lauderdale, as well as drawing all the time when Im at home or in my dorm
room would all be the perfect start. After studying the great masters like Van
Gogh, Da Vinci, Raphael, or Michelangelo, you kind of realize that there is
no final level or great perfection to achieve in artor writing for that
matter. The only way you can draw better than everyone else or most of
everyone else is by always drawing and practicing diligently. Even the great
western and eastern artistic masters have made plenty of mistakes. If you
look at one of Beethovens, Bachs, or Tchaikovskys music sheets, and I
mean the original ones they actually worked on, youll find that they
probably made hundreds or even thousands or mistakes for only a couple of
their many, many symphonies or great masterpieces, which their composers
had to study music and be inspired for to create. Masterpieces are only
created by artists who are never satisfied with the level they are at. By
people who always want to get to the next plateau, and then the next, and the
next one after that, etc. You could say their created by geniuses, but only if
you define a genius as a person who works harder than pretty much 95% of
everyone else around them, and as people who have tenacity for their work.

P a g e | 838

Sure my creative work shows some signs of genius. Ill give it credit for
genius, but Id never say all of my work was genius. Only the best, the most
profound, the most eclectic, the most bizarre, and the most poignant. Ill be
honest. The majority of my work is shit, worse shit than a lot of the stuff
youd see in badly written sitcoms and toddler cartoons. Okay, maybe I went
too far. Maybe its not that bad, but its close.
Im definitely planning on drawing some or a lot this afternoon or early
evening and beyond.

Perhaps one day that is not posthumous, I will get my collection of essays
published in book format, so that I could see them published before I die one
day and theyre not published posthumously. My mother suggested that. I
was telling her about how I wasnt planning on publishing any of them or
letting any of them being discovered by the public until after my death, but
she asked me why Id want that to happened, and it got me thinking. Maybe
if I become an established writer/artist with some decent publishing world
credentials, I could ask a publishing company if they would be willing to
publish my collections of what will probably end up being at least more than
200 theoretical, philosophical, commentating, and observationalamong
other thingsessays while Im still living, even though theyre so personal
that Im not sure Id even want to take criticism on them from other people.
Id rather see the essays published than the journals if I had to pick one. I
like certain parts of my journals, though.

I should get to meditation pretty soon. Im sure theres probably nothing on

television.

Now that I think about it, why should art be confined to simply being
expected to manifest itself through only a flat page or piece of paper? Why
cant art be expressed through the music piece, the written word and
linguistics, scientific equations, inventions, sculpture, claymation, computer
animation, photography, and filmmaking, among other things? I dont think
it should have to be. So I guess when I say Im a writer, I really mean Im
just personifying another variation of an artist whos crafting words on a
computer screen like lines on a page. Innovative art has always been

P a g e | 839

considered weird or ugly by the general public, but while it may be

considered ugly by some, it still maintains adhering to a purpose. Innovative
art is not what people have been used to over the course of history. This has
been done in the past and present by lesser known and unconventional artists
such as William Kentridge and Edward Gorey, who Im sure have inspired
many present artists and will also inspire future ones.
There. I just meditated for a short amount of time a while ago, and then I
read for a while. I read one chapter (40 pages) out of A Heartbreaking Work
of Staggering Genius, and now Im probably going to work on my essay for
college acceptance that I have to have done by the end of this week, draw,
and probably listen to one of my tapes. If I still have time and dont go to
sleep early, I might write in this journal a little bit more. Right now, Im
waiting for my microwave TV dinner to cook and am wondering what it will
taste like. Ive never had this type of meal before.

First and foremost, I have to get the saddest and most important news into
the limelight of this journal, because I feel Ive been personally affected by
it. Yesterday, George Harrison, the former Beatle, died at the age of fiftyeight from cancer. This saddens me. He had been struggling with cancer.
First John Lennon died when he was shot dead near a hotel, I believe. He
was the first Beatle to pass away. Now its George Harrison. Im sure his
death will affect millions of people. Ive been hearing about it all over the
news today. Now theres only two Beatles left. Paul McCartney and Ringo
Starr. At least we still have them, even though I miss the other two, John and
George. This is coming from me, and The Beatles werent even of my
generation. They were of my parents generation, the Baby Boomer
generation. The Beatles wrote rock songsand sometimes beautiful
melodies like Yesterday and Let It Bethat brought messages of peace,
happiness, and love to the world. We need more people like them. Kurt
Cobain is already gone, was taken from us far too early. So are Ken Kesey
and Jack Lemmon. Most of them have all died fairly recently.

I think after I finish A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Ill write a

personal review of it, to see what I thought made it good.

P a g e | 840

I realize Im going to die one day, and I, for one, accept this fate. Im not
afraid to die. I dont want it to happen, but I can accept that it will one day. I
dont know if anyoneor a lot of peoplewill remember me, when I get
old, but if I am, then I suppose what would be fine.
It seems like its all the ugly people who work in the arts and literature, and
all the beautiful people who work in fashion and film. I think the people who
work in these fields like it that way, though. Im pretty fat and ugly, but if I
become a famous novelist or comic book artist, Im sure I could get plenty
of women that way, not that Id try to utilize that particular method for
getting women. Im not into the groupie thing. Smart guys usually dont get
groupies. They get awards, Nobels, Pulitzers, and grants to help fund causes,
but not women. I dont think Nobel Prize winners get groupies. Im not a
rock star anyway. Id rather live a quiet well-paying life of creating works of
art; thinking; and contemplation instead of a life in the spotlight always
signing autographs and doing interviews. A life of fame and praise often
does not correlate to a life of genius and inventiveness. I think in a way the
inner torment and mistreatment from the world can play a factor in
contributing to ones creative productivity. William Kentridge and Edward
Gorey are fucking geniuses, but their not known by the general public on the
same level as Stephen King, Tim Burton or even Jhonen Vasquez and
Roman Dirge, who both have an entire underground comic book cult
following and a ton of exposure through the Internet. Theyve inspired a lot
of young artists. I think Jhonen is the Robert Crumb of Generation X and Y,
except their work represents two styles that look completely different from
one another.

I should be thinking right now. Experiencing the mystery and the adventure
of the paradox and whatnot, but not much is coming to mind. Im still
reflecting on the sudden death of George Harrison.Perhaps Ill go to Tibet
one day and spend either a short or long amount of time visiting a Buddhist
monastery or temple where I could stay with and learn with the gentle and
wise monks and amongst the sangha community, learning a lot more about
the way of the Buddha Dharma. Or maybe I could just stay in this house that
I live in now and live peacefully and quietly from day to day, like Ive been
doing for a while.

P a g e | 841

Im pretty certain Ill be drawing tomorrow. Why shouldnt I? Its tough to

believe Im 18 already. Im not sure what age I feel like. My whole age
factor is kind of a gray area. Now that I think about it, I guess I do kind of
feel like an 18 year old, but I feel smarter than Id expect an average 18 year
old to feel. I wrote an essay early today during school. A short one like
usual. I dont even remember what I wrote. I mostly remember the feeling of
my hand frantically writing down letters and paragraphs on the page. I
believe this proves that for my writing, I have fallen in love with the process,
and not the finished, written pieces. Im getting closer to being like that with
my art, but its not quite there yet. Unfortunately in my pathetic selfobsession I fall in love with some of the better drawings, so when Ive done
a really good drawing one day, Ive tended to stop.

Ive decided that I do definitely want to get into comic books and animation
one day, but after seeing the unholy and unfathomable amount of potential
creativity, hard work, craftsmanship, and skill that can go into a single piece
of illustration artwork, I definitely would like to do some things in
illustration. I think I have what it takes. I have the imagination. I also believe
some of my previous portfolio pieces show strong imagination (i.e. the
smoking hippie, the cyber-angel, the nude woman with floating cloth, the
John Lennon/Yoko Ono piece). I would like to do future things like that, yet
push the imaginative elements to as many extremes as I can take them to. I
guess when I say illustration, Im thinking of some of those paintings Ive
seen in Rolling Stone Magazine semi-recently. I could utilize all sorts of
mediums. Pencil, ink, paint, pastels, charcoals, watercolors, airbrush,
Photoshop. I think illustrative skill would only help my skills in sequential
art. I think these types of skills and abilities would be the perfect lead-in to
some kind of offbeat underground black-and-white comic book series.
Something thats not Zounds! or Circus Ninja. Im not sure if Ill actually
end up turning those ideas into anything. I was proud of them for the time I
was drawing them, but it would be very painful trying to fully flesh them out
and I have found too many holes and inconsistencies in their totality, so
therefore they are missing totality. Ive been itching so much to get away
from those ideas and come up with entirely new ideas. I try not to get too
attached with any of my individual creative ideas lately or become a slave to
any of my own ideas, because I believe this will make me less upset if they
dont get made into anything. I guess since some of my workmy more
recent stuffis what I believe would suffice for innovation; I may be at

P a g e | 842

liberty to do such a risky thing as abandoning my work. Or I may be

extremely stupid and foolish for doing such a thing.

P a g e | 843

December 2001

Woo-hoo! Christmas vacation is coming pretty soon. Plus another thing

thats coming soon is the fact that Im handing in my two-week notice to my
bosses not to long from now.

Let me explain why I hate my job. If Im not trying to avoid getting hit and
killed by cars when Im collecting shopping carts from the parking lot, I
have to hear the old bagger, Kenneth, do his horrible preaching to me in the
break room if Im up there at the same time as him, or Im receiving dirty
looks from my head manager Jo Ann, or Im getting called racist slurs
such as coon or niggerfrom white trash customers who hate my guts and
think theyre above me, even though my IQ is probably twice as high as all
of theirs combined and I dont necessarily view myself above them. I just
have more morals. Or Im receiving dirty looks from customers who assume
Im some kind of an Arab, due to the whole September 11th mess, or I get
dirty looks from cashiers who always expect me to bag for them all the time,
or customers in the parking lot will give me dirty looks if I do any gestures
or mannerisms that seem even remotely unusual. Conformity Nazis! Im not
complaining, though. My time spent at home, being creative, drawing,
writing, meditating, reading, and whatnot more than makes up for my
horrible job. If I could go back to when I didnt have a day job, I would
probably, not that I had a better mindset or peace of mind back then or
anything. I try not to focus too much on my intelligence level, academic
merit, skin color, nationality, sex, age, or race, even though I know a lot of
people are stupid enough to get caught up in those thing. Im focused on
whats important. Love, compassion, spiritual progress, altruism, kindness,
the universal, life and death, family, helping people and the like. Besides, I
know how hard it is to be a minority of any kind in this country, especially if
you black, Hispanic, Jewish, Arab, Hindu, Indian, or homosexual.

P a g e | 844

If I claimed I could predict the future, Id predict that I would be a person of

worth, but I also predict that I will never win a Pulitzer Prize or Nobel Prize.
A Pulitzer would be easier to win than a Nobel. I have know idea if Ill win
any other awards in the arts or literary categories. Right now I can only wish
that Id win an award, just as Im sure every published and unpublished
author does. Id rather attain enlightenment anyway. Its just that there are so
many very bad writers out there. For self-respects sake Id like to believe
that Im not one of them. If I were to win an award for my creative work,
maybe that would prove that Im a good writer and artist. I mean, would it?

My mother is definitely a great and noble PTA member, or used to be. Shes
not in the PTA anymore because my brother Andrew graduated from high
school, and the private high school I go to now is too small to have a PTA.
PTA stands for the Parent Teachers Association of course. She was one of
its ultimate members, so in a way she has a lifetime membership. Shes won
and received some plaques and awards for her work with the PTA

The plaque thing kind of reminds me of that scene in The Sixth Sense, where
Bruce Williss character is talking to his wife while hes drunk and admiring
the plaques frame. This was right before the scene where his now insane xpatient broke into his house and shot Bruce Willis (Malcolm Crowe) point
blank in the stomach with a hand-sized pistol, and then shot himself, dead.
An opening scene like that really gets your attention and keeps it. The
plaques in our house didnt remind me of the shooting part. Just the part
where theyre admiring the frame.

Just got done exercising, starting to make coffee, and rewriting one of my
essays that I wrote not too long ago. It was a second essay on honesty, it
being the second due to my inability to remember the time I wrote the first
essay on the same topic.

So lets see. Who are my influences in illustration right now? Theres

Norman Rockwell, Edward Gorey, Tim Burton, Dean Cornwell, Yoshitaka
Amano, David Mack, and Frank Cho. I like a lot of painters also. Im not a
very big fan of artists whos style is too comic bookish in a conventional

P a g e | 845

sense. I guess what I mean is anyone who personifies the golden age Marvel
Way. That way of drawing truly sucks, because it is the epitome of the
prosaic and trite. Icky! Please shoot me in the head if I every get stuck
drawing everything in that style. Also, now that my writing is getting more
realistic, literate, complex, and poignant, Im leaning more towards real
literature, not pop-literature. Cartoons and comic books seem, for the most
part, so very two-dimensional, flat, childish, simplistic, bouncy, and flashy.
The simplicity and lack of depth in these mediums has just started to bore
me a bit. This is probably why I like anime and manga. Its more realistic
and adult-oriented. I think that memoir A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering
Genius changed everything and revolutionized the way I viewed pop-lit and
what I think literature has the potential to be. That book is wacky and funny,
yet at the same time it is poignant, serious, complex and deep. If I start
writing novels, I want to be unconventional in the same way Dean Koontz
and Stephen King are unconventional, yet I still want to be intelligent and
spiritual. I dont want to write one of those boring popular hard cover novels
that eventually go into paperback and audio book. You know. The kind by
authors like James Patterson and Tom Clancy and other second rate
novelists, who are four steps below Pulitzer and Nobel Prize laureates. The
kind of books filled with stories about FBI or NYPD murder cases where
some serial killer is stalking an unsuspecting FBI agent and leaving clues
due to some misconception he had about something the agent did 15 or 17
years ago, all filled with flat cardboard characters, poorly constructed
narratives, and predictable, uncreative, trite plots. You know. Bullshit like
that. Boring, New York Times Best Seller List supermarket book and
magazine aisle shit. The only decent authors I actually see in supermarkets
usually are Stephen King, Michael Chrichton, Dean Koonts, and other
authors who write about more bizarre topics and plots. If theres one thing
that comic books contributed to my writing style, it was inspiring me to
make an attempt to writing about things that are a little more unusual and
that arent written about as much. Dave Barry and Chris Carter helped with
that task as well, even though Chris Carter works on a television drama
show, but if someones stories are good, it doesnt matter to me what
medium they work in. Neil Gaiman is amazing and writes wonderful megabest selling novels, has a very large followingwith signings in which more
than 200 people attend each oneand all that, but his medium is primarily
comic books. Hes good in any medium. If I could achieve that Neil
Gaiman, Helen Fielding, or Nick Hornby level of success, that would be
great. I wouldnt have to worry about money anymore. Although Im sure

P a g e | 846

hundreds of thousands of others dream about just the exact same thing, so I
have a lot of competition for that particular thing.

Woke up not too long ago. Im thinking I want to start this day off right, so
therefore Im going to draw and exercise extra early today, so that Ill have
more time in the evening to read and write or whatever. And like any good
family man, I want to spend time with my family in between all the time I
spend working at my creative pursuits. Right now Im thinking about how
much I liked that book Tuesdays with Morrie. How come there are not more
bestsellers like that book. Or how come there arent as many books like The
Millionaire Mind, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Tis, High
Fidelity, or The Art of Happiness. Thats probably the reason theyre mega
best sellers, because they dont have much competitionand in some cases,
they have dont have any competitionwhich means business wise theyre
in a good position to compete in the literary market. The smaller amount of
books there are to compete with the type of book you write, the more
demand there will be for it, the more it will sell, and the more popular it will
be. Thats why its best not to intentionally or conscientiously plagiarize or
emulate writers like Stephen King, John Grisham, Anne Rice, James
Patterson, and David Baldacci. To be honest, I havent seen any New York
Times best selling novelist whose work Ive looked of and said Damn, they
write so amazing and have such a strong literary sense! I want to write just
like them and not mesh their voice with that of any other author. I want to
write like them and them only. Best selling authors actually sound like
nothing more than watered down and flattened versions of more respected,
more literate authors who lived long ago. I get more enjoyment out of
reading philosophy books, spirituality books, accessible physics books, and
Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning literature, because that type of writing has
a decent amount of valor. It makes statements on worthwhile and
occasionally universal issues that arent quite as disposable as the majority
of stuff youd read in pop-literature. This is probably why Im not reading
as much as I probably should be. I think I became sufficient at writing by
simply writing a lot. I didnt use some magical tool, and I know a lot of
writers out there want to be told theres some magical tool or course they
can use to be a mega-best selling author or Pulitzer laureate or an award
winning author of some type, but theres no secret. My writing used to be no
better and just as bad as any aspiring writers work is, but after I got let out of
the psychiatric ward and began taking medication, I was just starting to get
back on my feet, and I think it was not too long after then that I started

P a g e | 847

keeping a computerized journal on a word processor and taking my writing

seriously. I guess one could say that since then Ive made quite a bit of
literary progress. More recently in this journal, Ive refrained from using
more elaborate and obscure words in my journals, because A) In this journal
Im just trying to get my thoughts written down on the screen and Id prefer
to at least talk partially normal and in a contemporary sense in this journal,
and B) Im saving linguistic eloquence for my fiction, scripts, and essays,
because I dont think I need to use big words all the time, but I suppose I
could use them all the time if I wanted to, and perhaps I will one day, but
then Id sound like Ken Wilber. In One Taste, he wrote things in his journals
the same way he did in his previously published books, and I think he may
have simply done that to sound extra smart, which in a way could be seen as
pretentious, but in another way I knew where he was coming from. He was
searching for that extra depth and eloquence. On a completely separate note,
how many seventeen or eighteen year olds read Ken Wilber? Im sure
somethe analytical and philosophical onesdo, but not many. Even the
majority of adults have not heard of Ken Wilber, which I think is a good
thing, because genius is usually incompatible with fame or popularity.

I like living the life of an artist. If Im living in a house, that would be my

job as an illustratordrawing stuff, which might come before comic
books or animation. Staying cooped up in my room for four to ten hours in a
row, with water bottles and Diet Pepsi cans scattered about for occasional
drinks. Me sitting at my drawing desk, sketching, inking, penciling,
designing, painting, and rendering, doing what will hopefully end up being
very detailed and crisp drawings. Id also be taking breaks every hour or two
to watch TV, surf the Internet, write in my journal, and play Playstation or
something. If I was working for a bigger company, doing illustrations for a
corporation or something of that nature, I could be making the big bucks!
And if I made the big bucks, I could afford the costs and have enough
money to pursue my more deep interests like comic booking, painting,
filmmaking, and/or writing. I could probably make a decent living writing
scripts as well.

I finished my college entry essay earlier tonight. It turned out well. I didnt
make it too fancy. Just direct and to the point. With no or very little bullshit.
Not bad for the first time Im trying to sell myself commercially or for the
progress of my career. Thats the thing. Even for something as simple as an

P a g e | 848

art college entry essay, Ill try my best to avoid hype and bullshit. I dont
need all this pretentious and manipulative crap. Either the person or people
Im selling myself to likes me and my work or they dont. If they dont, Im
fine with that. I just start looking for other options. I have that tenacity to
handle when someone says no or doesnt like my work. I have a kind of
tenacity toward my work and my craft. I wont give up or be satisfied until
my ideas are fully expanded. Thats the kind of tenacity Im talking about.
For this journal, I write for an audience of one, and guess who that one
person is. And thats just the way I like it. I dont do my work for anyone
else, except when Im editing, fine-tuning, and polishing it, because it needs
to be accessible to other people in one way or another. Otherwise theres no
possible way in hell that youll ever make an even semi-decent profit off of
your work. You wont make it with the big wigs if your work is not
accessible or salable. It can be very personal, but it still needs to be
accessible to other people and enjoyable to people other than you.

Dont believe Ill ever be deceived enough to believe anyone other than
myself would want to be me. I enjoy being myself, but I dont believe
anyone else would. My meditation sessions certainly are nice, though. I also
think the weird thing about this journal and all this commentating and
philosophizing I do in it is the fact that no ones making me write in this. Im
doing it myself, probably because I love to do it more than nearly anything
else in the world. I find it more enjoyable than video games, watching TV,
movies, the Internet, and shopping. Writing, drawing, reading, and
contemplation kick nearly everything elses ass, so hells yeah. But if the
world never ended up reading my writing, it certainly would not be deprived
of anything grand, for my writing is not grand. It is simply writing.

I think I should go to bed fairly soon if I cant think up anything else to write
about. Listening to the band REM right now. I was listening to Matchbox
Twenty, but I got bored listening to Yourself or Someone like You.

I dont know how many drawings Ive done in the last three months. Now
that Ive done so much writing, its time to do more drawing.

P a g e | 849

I just saw some artwork on the Internet by this one guy whose art looks
remarkably like my style used to look. Good thing Ive evolved and made
progress since then, otherwise my work would look just like his. I liked his
artwork; its just that the writing was very clichd. I would never make an
animation script that simplistic and cartoony unless I was forced to by a
childrens animation company. In that way, I have a very unconventional
animation writing sense. I wouldnt want the way I write my animation
scripts, comic book scripts, screenplays and novels to be all that different
from the way I write my essays and in my journals. Well, actually, Id want
to change my voice, tone and ambiance from story to story, but I think you
get the idea. When I do animation, even though I have a cartoony style
somewhat, Id want to give an impression similar to one youd get from an
art or animated piece by Tim Burton, Salvador Dali, Yoshitaka Amano, or
Hiroaki Samura. The bizarre otherworldly feeling.

Must hit the drawing table soon. Im sick of sitting here at the computer for
God knows how long. I dont know why, but I feel really excited right now.
Perhaps its because my future actually has a lot of promise and I only sense
it a little bit, or maybe its because Ive gotten a lot of work done in the last
three months. Im not really sure, but Im excited. I feel euphoric and happy.
Joyful kind of. This philosophy and spirituality stuffwhich leads to the
subsequent speculation into the nature of existence, being, and the cosmos
has made me very happy lately. Poignancy and profundity tend to make me
happy, because I really see the value, and part of the meaning, in life. The
important things, in other words. The pure brilliance and ease of existence
fill me with an indescribable joy and euphoria. I dont know if this is what
enlightenment feels like, but I sure hope so. I would certainly love to live in
bliss for the rest of my life. If I could find a way to live and still manage to
be nothing more than a recluse lost in meditation, then that would be great. It
would be better than wealth and riches or even sex, which are all transient,
worldly indulgences that are unneeded. I seek a higher plain of knowledge,
and Im beginning to believe that may be what Im starting to attain it. Its
tough to tell if theres something deeper than thisthis thing Im feeling
nowbut there probably is, and Buddhist sage monks probably walk along
the manifested line of this everyday. Im sure sages feel a lot more euphoria
than this particular euphoric state Im feeling now. What Im feeling now is
deeply compassionate and spiritual, and almost beyond words so it seems,
but Im trained in words, so I kind of know how to put it in words. Im
feeling no hatred, anxiety, depression, despair, shock, or anger at all right

P a g e | 850

now. Im feeling the opposite of all those things. This is so wonderful. I

shouldnt write about it much more, though, because putting it into printed
words might ruin it. Im not sure if I want the world to see my inner joy and
contentment right now. I dont know if that brings admiration, but if it does,
I dont want admiration because I dont feel I deserve it. I dont deserve to
be this happy if everyone else cant feel it too. I dont want to be selfish and
keep happiness to myself. I want to tell other people of the Dharma as well
as the joy of living and the beauty of existence. I want everyone else to stop
suffering as well because I love and cherish all sentient beings and the lot of
humanity.

Been drawing like crap today. Tonight I filled out the college application
forms with Dad, and that took up most of my evening time. I did read all the
way through that small book on composition, though, and I drew two
pictures. One was based on a Yoshitaka Amano drawing, which turned out
good. Despite the fact that the features were too spread out at first, the face
still had appeal of some sort. And I also did a crappy drawing of a character
that looks like SQUEE. Oh well. At least I got to the drawing desk tonight.
Better than nothing, I suppose. Theres time when I only do one or two
drawings in a night, and then theres times when I do 7 to 10 drawings in
one night. I want to get to the point where do not ten but hundreds of
drawings in a day which leads into the night. If they were all gestures, I
might be able to do that. Im just glad that I proved to myself that I would
draw tonight, even though I barely drew at all. I should be happy for that fact
alone, so I dont have much room to complain. I got a lot of writing done
today anyway. I cant wait to take that upcoming life drawing class with
Christian Slade this Wednesday. That class is always able to bang a lot of
drawings out of me, and some of them are actually pretty decent. I wont be
able to paint landscapes one day if I dont practice day and night for hours
upon hours, and put in some serious time. If I want to get into Ringling
easily, I need to have this portfolio done though, even if that means I just
draw a bowl of fruit and render it really finely. My drawings tonight didnt
necessarily suck, but they were pretty weak in certain areas, which is a thing
that could be said about the majority of the drawings I produce. I need to
spend more time studying other peoples artwork, like the great masters of
western art. I know Im able to become one of the modern day masters. Its
just that I get discouraged from staying at the drawing table so easily and am
so quick to keep jumping back onto the computer. Perhaps I should throw
this computer out the window and my problems would thus be fixed.

P a g e | 851

Writing to me now is like smoking. It serves no purpose other than pleasure

and I seem to be addicted to it, and instead of actually doing something
about it, Im sitting here writing about it! I think thats my problem, but Im
only doing it now to fill up the rest of this page. Well, Im almost finished
with this pageand journal fileso thats very good. Maybe Ill go back to
the drawing table and push my boundaries because its past 10 at night, or
perhaps not. Ill just have to see how it goes.

P a g e | 852

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 51

P a g e | 853

December 2001

Im in a good mood again. Im going to draw extra early today, and when I
mean extra early, I mean before 4 p.m. Today should go well if I stick to my
promptness.

I dont know what else to write about, but Im going to try to fill this page
anyway, because I want to get all my home writing out now so that I can
spend either an equal or greater amount of time drawing.

Man. Im just starting to get warmed up on this writing thing in my journal,

but my time is nearly up because a page has been filled up and that is
enough for now. Besides, I like being in my room. Its warm and
comfortable in there. I dont know why, but whenever I walk into my room,
the temperature always seems to a few degrees warmer in there, which
makes it feel like a heated room. It makes me want to lie down on my bed
and take nap. I like warm rooms better than cold rooms. Some rooms in my
parents house are colder or warmer than others, probably due to the air
conditioning or a door being open in a certain room at various times.

All right! I got a lot of drawing done today. So far Ive done 8 pages of
drawings, most of them being drawn in a blue pen when I was in front a
television. Theres one drawing I did in school today of a new female
character I made up on the spot, which turned out very well. I also did a
layout drawing of a city, as well as a drawing of the electronic fan on the
ceiling in my parents bedroom. Ill probably do more drawing tonight if I
feel so inclined. Not bad for a single day. Since I do around 3 pages of
writing each day, Im making a new vow to match that by also doing at least

P a g e | 854

3 pages of writing each day. I think I might just get this rest of my portfolio
finished after all, as long as I keep up this three-drawings-pages-a-day
routine. I also worked really hard in school and got all my subjects done
except one, but thats very beyond what I usually accomplish, and I also
wrote one essay in class as well, so I really havent taken any kind of break
today. Ive been working all day, non-stop, doing class work and creative
work of all sorts. I think I might read some of my books Im currently on
tonight as well. If I could draw even more, read, and write one essay tonight
after I fill up the rest of this page, that would go beyond the transcendence
Ive already achieved. As long as I keep my focus and concentration, I think
Ill do all right. I just need to think of something new to write about in this
damn journal! That fucking sucks. When Im very motivated to do a lot of
work, I cant think of what to talk about. How typical of my life. Its kind of
weird. Once I give myself that initial boost, force myself and get myself
going, Ill be on a role and it often ends up that I dont stop being on a role.
Every day should be this productive. The amazing thing is that it can be, if I
force myself and keep giving myself that jumpstart by concentrating and
using inward tenacity. Its good to see that this page is almost filled up. Not
bad for a schmuck like me. Im starting to feel tired, but Im not going to let
that stop me. I was tired this morning, but I was still able to get myself
going. I just cant give up. I wont waste my gift. Giving into tiredness is
like giving up on my ability because Ill tend to neglect my ability if Im
very tired. So I must remember. Draw, read, and write one more essay today.
I have around 2 hours and 15 minutes to get all these things done before it
turns to ten oclock. My body keeps telling me Quit! Relax! Sit back and
watch TV or listen to music, but I wont listen. Ive listened to it far too
many times in the past and have grown weak from listening to it. I will no
longer let myself grow weak.

I finished reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, and the only

thing Id really have left to read in that book would be the Mistakes We
Knew We Were Making section in the back of the paperback version Im
reading. Ill say that I definitely liked the book. It was excellent, but the
ending wasnt the best one Ive ever read in a book. The beginning was very
strong however.

Im getting a lot older a lot quicker. Im not looking too much towards the
future or reflecting too much on the past. I feel deeply inperhaps deeply

P a g e | 855

trapped inthe present moment, so thats what Im going to focus on. And
this moment I need to finish the portfolio and I need to lose weight. In
school I went on a fieldtrip of SCC once again today, and thats pretty much
it. Pretty dull. I didnt draw outside of my life-drawing class Im having
tonight, I didnt write in this journal much, and Ive written precisely no
essays today. I read through half of the essays Ive written at home over the
past couple of months, and I was amazed by them. Im surprised Im the one
who wrote them. They seem so beyond anything Id be able to do, so maybe
they werent done by me. Perhaps my mind got possessed by one that
belonged to a better writeran apparition or ghostwriter of sortswhen I
wrote them down.

Seem to be lacking something to write about once again. Once again I am

without something to write about. Redundant, but varied. I hope my parents
never die. I hope they live forever, but I know thats not possible and it kind
of makes me sad. Its tough to imagine myself living in this world without
my parents, even if Im living comfortably and functioning well in an upper
class neighborhood in a mansion somewhere, with a loyal girlfriend who is
ten times better than my old one I had in middle school, Heather. That slut, I
say half-jokingly. Ive moved on since Heather, which is a name I shudder
to speak. But Im a risk taker, so I speak it anyway.

My mother and brother are sleeping right now, while I write in this journal. I
truly see sleep as a beautiful thing. I enjoy dreams and resting.

The more I reflect on the world of art and see whats out there in comic
books, illustration, and animation, the more it makes me look forward
towards going to art school and learning how to really draw. I dont want to
be a second rate artist. Id like to be a first rate artist, and I think Ive come
closer to achieving that. I dont know if Ill ever actually write a book, let
alone a best selling hardcover and paperback novel thats released in many
languages, in many formats, which ends up in many bookstores and many
libraries. I want to learn how to really draw, and that not only means fully
clothed characters with shading and folds in their clothing, but it also means
drawing objects, motion blur, tones, and backgrounds; fully laid out, fully
penciled, fully colored, fully lettered, and fully inked, all on my own. I

P a g e | 856

believe I have talent, but I dont think I have real talent just quite yet. I dont
think it matters how great my art looks in comparison to lesser artists work,
because there are plenty of professional artists who can do a far greater job
than I can of accurately portraying the form of three dimensional masses on
a two dimensional piece of paper. I just bought my first issue of a magazine
Id never heard of before I bought it. International Artist. Its inspired me to
do even better in my artwork; it showcases master painters, the best of the
best, from all around the world, which are internationally renowned. This
has to be some of the most beautiful contemporary artwork Ive seen in a
long time.

This is weird. I went into my room and right as I took the first few steps on
the carpet, I flipped the light switch. There was a flashing blink of light, and
then shadowy darkness once again, which had just been there when I opened
my door. The light bulb had gone dead. It took me about 6 whole minutes
just to get the knobs turned, and off of the glass dome protecting the light
bulb. And when I got that done, I unscrewed the bulb and saw that it was a
55-watt. I got another 55-watt bulb out of the laundry room, threw the old
bulb away, screwed the new bulb in, and guess what? Even after it was all
set up, the fucking thing still wouldnt light up! No light came. So now Im
sitting here with a darkened bedroom that Im avoiding going into. Ill just
have to get Dad to see whats wrong with it, because I have no idea. I cant
help but feel more grown up though, because Im trying to fix things around
the house on my own. I know its nothing dramatic, but Im proud of this
achievement. I dont care what anyone else thinks, if anyone else thinks Im
pathetic. Why should I give a damn what peoplewho I dont even know
think of me or even my work. And then theres school

As for trying to get someone to do something: A friendly and gentle nudge is

often better and more effective than an aggressive push. This can be both
symbolic and literal, which is to say people are often quicker to accept
things when theyre not force fed them. This can apply to religion and areas
of interest. This is just a small nugget of info. Im sure I have a lot more to
come, as I get older and wiser, although I really dont say much thats new,
that hasnt been said before in different forms during the past.

P a g e | 857

If a person writes a novel and gets it published by one of the bigger literary
publishers, there are so many places where it can and will be reviewed. Ill
list some of them: Chicago Sun-Times, The San Diego Union-Tribune,
Boston Sunday Globe, The Seattle Times, Los Angeles Times Book Review,
San Francisco Chronicle, National Review, The Atlantic Monthly, US
magazine, The Philadelphia Inquirer, San Jose Mercury News, Newsweek,
The
Miami
Herald,
Boston
Sunday
Herald,
The
Times,
www.Bookreview.com,
www.Amazon.com,
The
Tampa
Tribune,
Entertainment Chronicle, Chicago Tribune, the Charlotte Observer, Elle,
Mademoiselle, Time Out New York, The Denver Post, The Indianapolis Star,
The Sunday Oregonian, The Orlando Sentinel, Vogue, Entertainment
Weekly, GQ, New York Times Book Review, Spin, The New Yorker, Details,
New York Daily News, Mirabella, Time magazine, The Guardian, Publishers
Weekly, Booklist, New York magazine, London Sunday Times, The
Independent, Dublin Sunday Times, Chicago Tribune, London Morning Star,
Sunday Times (London), The New York Times, Atlanta Journal-Constitution,
The Washington Post, People, The Village Voice, The Irish Times, USA
Today, Newsday, Portland Oregonian, The Toronto Star, St Louis PostDispatch, The News & Observer, and National Post (Toronto). Perhaps one
day Ill see a novel of minewhich I actually finished! reviewed by one
of these publications. Damn, thats a lot of magazines.

Got to read Mrs. Toners art school letter of recommendation in school

today. It was very flattering. It said I have a lot of dedication to my creative
work and that I have The spark of genius, and Im quoting her letter here.

Ive come to a decision, and my parents were okay with this. Im handing in
my letter of resignation/two week notice, tomorrow. Im going to start
writing it with the help of my father in the morning, and when Im done, in
the afternoon, Im handing it in, hopefully without having to say much. Im
starting to get tired tonight though. Sleep certainly seems quite attractive.

I like visiting the sites of famous authors. My two favorites are

www.neilgaiman.com and www.stephenking.com. Id like to have an
official website one day, if I were to ever become that popular.

P a g e | 858

I started reading Tis a day or two ago, and the first chapter was fantastic.
Very well written. Im starting to perhaps think that Frank McCourt will
quickly become one of my favorite contemporary authors. Im looking at my
journals and essays lately, and theyre pretty good. Im starting to have a
conviction that Im on my way to becoming a proficient and competent
writer. Genius is no big deal. The big deal is producing decent work thats
creative and professional at the same time. I also believe that Im becoming
sufficient as an artist as well.

Im not sure about other countries, but I find it somewhat sad that in
America, books arent as popular as television or movies. Books are such
wonderful entities. Its a shame theyre not more popular than they are.

I dont care how intelligible I am. I wont argue over the exact numeric
quantities of my IQ. I just want to live and help dispel the miseries of the
world. Perhaps I should take a more active physical stance on this, rather
than a mental one.
I think after I finish filling up this page, Ill start working on my resignation
letter, and later today Ill hand it in. Goodbye supermarket. Ill start my own
empire, and it will be a hell of a lot better than the one I used to work for.
Walt Disney did it. Steven Spielberg did it. Stephen King did it. Whoever
started the Fox network did it. These empires speak to people and touch their
souls much more fluidly than a fucking supermarket corporation ever could.
What does the supermarket have, anyway? They sell you food and shit. They
dont enlighten you or entertain you like the great entertainers and thinkers
of history have done. The general populous probably hates that supermarket
chain, and business wise, that makes it a lot easier for aspiring entertainers:
like myself. Blockbuster Video, Borders, and FYE are more decent
companies than the one I worked for, or Burger King, the jackasses of the
corporate world. I could sit here bashing corporate America until the end of
time, but I think there are more constructive things I could be writing about.
And when I bash corporate America, its more about bashing the system and
the materialism than about bashing any particular person. Ill will and
animosity just arent my things. Im all about the compassion. Just not right
now.

P a g e | 859

I drew a really weird drawing in class two days ago, but I like the idea. I
drew a monster fetus with a spiked back and tendrils for hands. His
umbilical chord had black-and-white stripes on it. I thought it looked pretty
cool for something I came up with, that just seemed to come to me and
manifest itself out of thin air. I dont know where that idea came from.
Maybe the creativity fairy flew over my head with her little wings and
sprinkled magical dust on my brain once again. Its times like that that make
me realize how wonderful the act of creativity really is.

Its getting closer to Christmas, but considering that Im a partial agnostic

and Buddhistin other words, Im not a ChristianIm not really
celebrating or being festive all that much. I like the idea of people who are in
to that thing, getting into the Christmas spirit showing compassion and
kindness towards one another. I want to see many other people other than
myself showing compassion. I want to help other people with their spiritual
progress just as much as I want to help myself. I talk too much about myself
in this journal, but Im not sure if this is bad or good, considering it is my
journal. Christmas songs are nice. Very harmonious.

Just finished writing my resignation letter/two week notice. Im starting to

feel better now. Handing it in, in a little bit. Cant wait!

Right now, Im eating serial and Ritz Crackers. A very low fat snack indeed.

I cant think of anything new to write. I think perhaps I should draw soon,
and I probably will. Thats one of the two things I was planning to do today;
writing, handing in my resignation letter, and drawing. Simple enough.

I handed in the resignation letter around 5 or 6 hours ago. That went well.
Also, since Ive last written in this journal, Ive done five drawings at my
desk and in a sketchpad that I carried around. I would still be drawing now,
but I feel very exhausted so I felt that in order to keep going later tonight, I

P a g e | 860

need to take a semi-long break, mediate, write an essay, or something. Its

7:05 right now. I think Ill get back into the drawing thing around 7:45 p.m.
or so. I try my best, but my dad has to be so. encouraging to me, if you
want to call it encouraging. I do five drawings that Im really proud of and
tell him how good I feel about actually getting drawing done, and all he
bothers to give me is Well thats not going to help you get into college! in
a really rude tone, as if Im just going to be able to create a portfolio
masterpiece right that second, on the spot.

Did more drawings and am wondering something. How does meaning

correlate with being and the way things are? How does the ultimate truth
correlate with existence? How do they even relate to one another? I would
ponder these questions and try to come up with answers, but Im starting to
get tired. I want to write more of this journal in a novelistic way. I could
argue that talking about philosophical issues can be novelistic, but I know
what Im talking about. Maybe I should just enjoy sitting here being alive. I
guess I dont have to always write something or this and that. Ill probably
get around to writing a book soon enough. I think its about more than just
writing a book though.

This is weird. Due to Invader ZIM, Im beginning to think Jhonen Vasquez

comic book reordersbecause he hasnt put out any new books in a while
have gone way up. I was looking at the Diamond Comics Distributors
website, and out of all the comics, the soft cover version of the Johnny The
Homicidal Maniac: Directors Cut is ranked at #20 on the Diamond Comics
Distributors top reordered comics items list, out of all the comic books on
the market.

Ah! I felt really good this morning. Right after I woke up, before I even ate
breakfast (left over onion rings), I drew in my sketchpad some, and after I
ate, I drew some more. And probably after this hour is up, or possibly earlier
than that, Im going to do more drawing. Im drawing all day today, and
hopefully nonstop for hour after hour. I might even get a portfolio piece
done if I work all day today, nonstop, for at least five hours. Id like to fill
up the 40 pages I have left of my newer sketchbook. If I dont fall in love
with any of my drawings while Im creating, and dont spend too much time

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lingering on a single drawing, I think I might be able to do either all that or

half that, but of course I could be wrong. I just have to do it rapid fire, one
after another with not much relenting, drawing whatever I see, whenever I
see it, out of books and comic books and off of the television. Ill just have
to take the sketchpad with me wherever I go and draw everything I see. Its
really not that hard to do. Ill get a lot better a lot quicker if I do this today
and keep doing it for a couple days in a row. Im already sufficient at
writing, so I could write only four more words for the rest of this week and
that would still be more than enough, because Ive already written hundreds
of thousands, or maybe even a million. I think once I have a hundred journal
folders filled up, Ill have had a million words written by then. Maybe Ill
use the easel to do gesture drawings today.
Im a reasonable man, get off my case, get off my case, get off my case
(Radiohead)

I did some more drawings while I was off of the computer because my father
had to do something on the computer. The drawings I did turned out pretty
good. I have to keep doing more. Ill probably write for another hour, and
then Ill get to draw some more. This is so great.

Maybe I could classify myself as a fantasy writer. Or a

contemporary/fantasy/suspense writer and illustrator who may be a future
painter, animated series creator, comic book series creator (and) artist.

Not sure what to write about right now, which is probably a sign that I
should leave the computer and get back to drawing that I was doing for a
while earlier this morning.

Im drawing a lot today. Ive been drawing since 9 a.m. this morning. I
think after I get done with this journal for now, Im going to try to write
another essay, and then return to my drawing desk and sketchpad. I need to
think of something to write about first though. Theres not much else to talk
about other than my life, my writing, and my art, but I seem to go on for

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pages and pages about these things. The weird thing is that as far as phrasing
goes, I usually dont say the same thing twice.

Chanukah has gone well. We lit candles and got to open presents from one
another. I got a DVD from my parents. An Akira Kurosawa film that I
wanted, called Seven Samurai. I got to watch the first the first five chapters
of the DVD and they were excellent. They really draw you in. I think I
should definitely take this film to college with me and watch it on my future
laptop computer all the time.

Feeling good. Didnt get a chance to write in this journal yesterday, and
actually think I was feeling some withdrawal symptoms.

Bought a CD today. Linkin Parks Hybrid Theory. Havent heard all the
songs yet, but so far I enjoy it.

Living in this world, in human form, is a bizarre experience. Just observe

perception, for one thing. Theres a certain type of perception that Im
thinking of. Its the kind where you decipher between false being and
tangible being. I had an indescribably moment in the car yesterday when my
brother was driving me home from Borders. The sun was setting behind the
clouds. There was that indescribable luminosity again. Rays of light were
shining out through the clouds, which created a type of Golden Ocean in the
sky. The glow was unmistakable.
It sure is nice out this evening, isnt it? I said.
Yeah. It sure is.
It was so beautiful. I thought of both God and the cosmos, which are both
much larger than myself. The light was golden and in rays, and the clouds
were light blue, hinting at some tones of gray, all spread outfar and wide,
up and downacross the sky. Visually, that sight was celestial and brilliant.
Its brought me to a theory: If I were to see somethingthat was nearly the
exact same thingthat was similar in a magazine, photograph, or book, it
just wouldnt be the same thing as seeing it in real life. It feels too enormous
to describe and sometimes the enormity even feels too much so to try and
fathom. I thought of painting what I saw, but I dont know how to

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paintyet. If I did know how, thats exactly the type of things Id try to
paint. Ive been waiting an entire day and a half to write about that one
celestial sight I saw. Perhaps that could be the beauty of a recent moment.
For a guy who analyzes the nature of beauty and who philosophizes about
various things like the nature of beauty, getting to see things like that
vindicate my brain and are little rewards for getting to experience living.
Ive been thinking about ethics lately. Things like ridicule and making fun of
people. This kind of makes me examine my own standards. I realize its
wrong to laugh about things like overweight people (Ill use the overweight
group as an example). I realize its rude, inconsiderate, and not proper to
laugh at a person whos very fat, but when I see one on the street, I want to
chuckle to myself, the way their flab sways back and forth, and the fact that
theyre stuffing themselves with an immeasurable amount of food, probably
inhaling it, which is why their so big and fat in the first place. So thats the
little idiosyncratic ethical problem. I am opposed to discrimination,
prejudice, and ridicule, just like any noble person, but I feel bad about
myself because Im laughing at them just like every other superficial person,
judging people on the surface and laughing about it just like everyone else,
which can cause an overweight persons feelings to be hurt, and maybe even
making them depressed if they were to find out what I thought of them. Thus
this could technically make me just as bad as the enemy: superficiality and
its various proponents. This could be a form of hypocrisy or a double
standard. I guess the idea behind this is that the philosophy and intention is
right, but the actions are all wrong. This would make a good premise for an
element of a fictional story. I think the main exception is that I make sure
that they dont know Im having a hearty laugh at their expense. This is a big
ethical dilemma and the ethical nobility I might have is a fallacy. Its
hypocritical. So this is a criticism of my own personal politics. Im not
perfect, but I guess what separates me from the superficial is that Ill admit
that the thought of ridicule are wrong, where some others will not.

I told my father in the car earlier today anyway, on the way home from
school, that one of my goalsmy career goalis to eventually become an
integral part of the entertainment business, regardless of what medium its
in. You can say this about Spike Lee, Kevin Smith, Brian Michael Bendis,
Tim Burton, Dave Egger, Frank McCourt, Jhonen Vasquez, Stephen King,
Neil Gaiman, and Steven Spielberg, and I like many others am hoping to be
that one-day.

P a g e | 864

Im getting to doing drawing pretty soon. As soon as dad brings home the
Publix chicken and I have dinner with my family, Im getting to drawing.
Tiredness shall not stop me. And so now, I at least try to move onto other
topics.
I dont consider myself Generation X or Generation Y, primarily because I
dont seem to have that pretentious, rebellious and cynical attitude, and I
read a lot of literature, which is not what youre average guy nowadays does,
and I realize this completely. Theyd rather watch football, The Man Show,
WWF, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Simpsons, South Park or other
shows on Comedy Central and Fox. I personally like that Saturday morning
cartoon kids show Jackie Chan Adventures, on Kids WB!, an awful lot, and
so does my dad. We love that show. We both admit that its overly silly, the
story isnt that good, and theres a lot of action, but thats the reason we love
it. Its entertaining as my dad has said, and its fun to watch. Its pure
eventful fun, and for a guy like me who likes deep stuff like Jean PaulSartres Being And Nothingness and Ken Wilber, thats saying a lot. I love
the show because its one of the best ways to waste 30 minutes and rot your
brain with pure fun, and I mean that in a good way. God I love my family.
Its days like today when Ive realized that overall, we get along really well
with each other. I love spending time with my family and friends. Its one of
my favorite things to do in the entire world. I like when on certain weekday
nights, my parents will be lying or sitting on our living room couches,
watching TV showslike Felicity, Seventh Heaven, The West Wing, ER,
Gilmore Girls, Whos Line Is It Anyway?, Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,
Frasier or something like theseand Ill walk in and sit down next to them.
Ill usually do it not because I have an overwhelming interest in all the
shows, but because I love my parents and want to spend time with them. So I
lay down with them on the couches and will often fall asleepdue to the
prosaic plots of many of the shows that are not Frasierbut Ill enjoy every
minute of it, just being able to bask in the glory of their presence, knowing I
have affectionate parents like them. God I love my parents sometimes.

Earlier tonight, I did two drawings. Both were sufficient, but one in
particular deserved extra notice. It was a rendition of a painting I saw, which
was of a river/cityscape, and the extra effort I made towards filling up the
entire paper with various tonal shades really added something to it. I was

P a g e | 865

going to leave much of it white, but I experimented and attempted to

duplicate the original tones of the paintingtrying to transfer paint tones to
pencil tonesand I thus ended up with something that seems more real and
tangible than what it would look like if it was not mostly various tones of
dark. It took me around 20 to 35 minutes to draw and shade.
I believe if you take a long hard look at all the famous artists and writers
throughout history, and one of the commonalities youll find is a very
peculiar thing. They all had the creative power to create representations of
the various ways they saw the world. How Stephen King sees the world is
different than how John Grisham or Dave Barry see the world. How Gustav
Klimt saw the world is much different than how Norman Rockwell, Van
Gogh, or Dean Cornwell saw the world. I hope to eventually create an
individual creative voice that is so pungent and distinctive from many others
that it will clearly distinguish my approach to seeing the world. Perhaps that
is what artistic voice is all about. Ill retain humility by clearly stating that
my way of seeing the world or approaching analysis is not necessarily the
definitive and right way, but I will say that I do have a strong conviction that
Im comfortable using my way of seeing the world.

I now only have a week and a half to go until I can stop showing up for work
completely, thank God. I went in there to pick up my paycheck, and while I
waited in a short line for the lady in front of me to finished her business
who seemed to take forever, I looked around at the customers and
cashiers, and I realizeddespite the larger amount of money that I had
earned than before I had the jobwhat a waste of time the last two or so
years working there have been. I felt a rather large red hatred and vengeful
energy boiling within my body. A certain animosity towards this place when
I realized that in less then two weeks Ill no longer be working here. I
wanted to march out of the store right then and there, but I had to get my
check. The Jamaican woman in front of me seemed to be lingering and
quietly arguing with Linda, who was working Customer Service. She was
trying to send money to someone, but she was debating the fact that she had
to put an address on the money (maybe Western Union) form. I began to get
impatient and angry. I wanted to yell Hurry up!! to the lady, but she
eventually finished and I managed to get my paycheck cashed, walk back,
by a Milky Way candy bar, and leave the store calmly. So I made it out with
my sanity intact, but just barely.

P a g e | 866

Its so obvious. After reading these last two paragraphs above, Ive realized I
need to get back to doing meditation exercises again and get back to
practicing compassion and empathy.

A funny thing happened to me today, which is a thing thats happened to me

before. I was at the art store, Art Systems. When I was there, I met another
one of my classmates from Crealdein Christian Slades classthere. It
was the black guy named Sam. Hes awesome and has mad talent. I got to
see one of his sketchbooks during last class and his stuff was amazing.
When he was at Art Systems, when my mother and I saw him, his car had
broken down at the time. My mother offered to drive him to wherever he
needed to get to, but he told us he already had someone coming to pick him
up from the store, and so we picked up the sketchpads we went in for, and
after saying goodbye, we left. I then drove my mother and I home with my
learners permit handy. Im so pathetic that I dont have a license yet at the
age of 18. Actually, its not that pathetic.

Currently reading four books right now. High Fidelity, The Elegant
Universe, Painted Spider, and Tis. I have to say the most poorly written on
and the most un-enjoyable one to read is a certain other book. Ive even met
the author, and I even told her over the phone that I liked her novel, but I
should be honest here. It really written very poorly. Its filled with bland
semi-literary phrases, lacks depth, is shallow, and is filled with clichs. The
doctor in the book looks like every other doctor (which is actually the way
hes described!) The main woman protagonist looks like every other woman.
The narrative has to step back and explain whats happening, which kills the
reader involvement in the book. It seems derivative from every best selling
thriller novelist like Stephen King. The dialogue isnt realistic at all. It
doesnt have a narration energy level anywhere near the one reached in a
Frank McCourt book or A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by
Dave Eggers. It doesnt have the same strength of vision and innovation of a
Stephen King book either. All of the books Im currently reading are
national and international bestsellers.
Got back from my drawing class. I was late for it today, but I still managed
to get a lot of drawing done. This was actually my second to last class with

P a g e | 867

Christian Slade. I believe Ive made a lot of improvements since I first

started taking the class. There are some very talented people in my class. I
have some catching up to do, but for now I just have to go to sleep tonight.

Im at a loss for words. I want to learn to draw a lot better, and paint a lot
better. If I really invest the time into a drawing and have the tenacity to put a
lot of effort into it, I can create some great works of art. Ive seen myself do
so, which means I have some proof. I just need to work to my full potential.
I think Im hesitating from going full force because of bad habits. Freud
summed it up precisely. Were most hesitant to make changes in the areas
where we need change the most; I need the most change in going at school,
my writing, and my art full force. Its because Im so comfortable being
lazy, even though Im miraculous when I invest tones of time and effort into
real work. Its happened in short spurts at home, in class at my school when
I spend all day doing schoolwork, also in Rima Jabburs class, and in
Christian Slades class during the portrait session. I just need to learn to tap
into the mindsets I had during these times and make them expand to longer
amounts of time. Usually if I make a breakthrough, the next day I feel very
worn out and tired, but I cant let that consume me, otherwise I wont reach
my zenith.

Theres probably not that much to talk about. Picked out my pictures for the
yearbook and a quotation from a famous person.

I want to write some more essays at home, but Ive been tired ever since I
got out of school and had to talk to Lynne Shields at SCC, about making
adjustments in the transition from high school to college. The things she
talked about bored me, but they seem important. I still have to finish
watching the Seven Samurai DVD.

I have no idea what to write about. I would draw today, but Im reserving
today for rest and relaxation, so Id better use it to its full potential. I did lye
down in my bed and rest today with the lights off, but after only ten minutes
I began to get bored and wanted to go back to working on this computer,
writing in this journal. I was planning on simply lying there in the afternoon

P a g e | 868

darkness for twenty or thirty minutes, but I got bored after ten. Its like I
cant seem to stay still for more than twenty minutes. I seem to have to or
want to keep myself busy all the time. I dont know why. I guess its that
restless creative spirit. I seem to have trouble lying in bed in silence or
watching television for long amounts of time. I want to stay active,
philosophize and come up with new ideas, designs, and theories.

I read in my English book today that one writer was able to write 80,000
words in one week, and another writer was able to do 42 million words
during his or her career. Thats amazing. I think thats more words than I
could ever hope to write in a lifetime. Perhaps I can work my way up to
40,000 or 80,000 words in one week. You never know. I suppose nowadays
anythings possible. I need to worry about drawing instead however.

Not sure if Im going to watch television tonight or not. If my parents do, I

might watch some TV with them. Id really like to write an essay or read
tonight though. Something other than writing in this journal, even though it
is a whole hell of a lot of fun to write in this journal sometimes. Its not
always fun. Sometimesespecially the times I lack inspirationit can be
pure torture. Diligence is often a good weapon to use against prosaic
creativity. Diligence can create genius and work thats prolific.

I dont know if Ill ever write a memoir. Perhaps one day Ill write a forward
or article that mentions things of a memoir-like nature. That might be good. I
have some interesting experiences to tell about, and when it come to my life,
myself, my mind, or my personality, I probably wont hold back. What do I
have thats so sacred anyway? Not much. Just as long as I dont write down
anything that can be held against me and is irrefutable by yours truly.

There. I just made myself sit up straight. I should not slouch when Im
writing on this computer. Im beginning to think Im developing a good
writing style. My words do kind of flow. My teacher, Mrs. Toner, has said
this, and I honestly cant say that I disagree with her opinion. I could
probably make a pretty decent living doing things like writing scripts and

P a g e | 869

articles, but my real passion is literature and books that I see in bookstores
like Borders.

A day or two ago, I found out that rockor should I say hip-hopgroup
OutKast has sold a lot of records. 15 million copies, worldwide (to be exact).
I find that amazing, that two singular musicians could sell that many records
by themselves. I have trouble figuring out how any creative artist, writer,
musician, whatever is able to sell that many copies of whatever product they
have to offer. Its mind boggling when you think of it. I like some of their
songs, but their sales numbers boggle my mind. Technically youd have
enough to run or start up an entire fucking business with that much money.
Bizarre. Very bizarre. Maybe if I work hard enough, I can have an audience
that large one day if I keep at my pursuits. Perhaps I can one day end up
being one of the contemporary success stories of the new millennium: the
2000s. I love living in the first ten years of the twenty first century. Despite
September 11th and the George Bush War on Terror, now still manages to
be a truly beautiful time to be alive. Its just that the problem is that there are
a lot of modern day complications to live with, but thats secondary to
enjoying existence in and of it self.

Now that I think about spirituality and religion, I still have a firm conviction
that I remain a Buddhist; except now I think Im probably a Zen Buddhist.
So I practice Zen, which is cool. I think I could stand to practice more
meditation and compassion than I do, though. I still revere Ken Wilber, Lao
Tzu, Gandhi, and the His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Pope John Paul II and
Mother Teresa are and were very morally valid people, even though Im not
a Christian. I think everyone should practice universal love, and humility,
though. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Love thy neighbors.
Even if youre not a Christian, these moral pillars can be very useful. I think
it would be close minded to not take the intrinsic teaching of various other
cultures, philosophies, and religions from around the worldinto
consideration. Learning and taking various things from other world cultures
can benefit many people if one person does it and become an archetype or
example. I also feel that the Internet or online classes will play a vital part in
the future of academic systems around the world. The internet is invaluable
for research, education, and business, and I assume it is playing a part in
helping to integrate cultures from around the world with each other. It might
even be breaking the language barrier. I should write long form essays on

P a g e | 870

these topics. Maybe there will even be a world culture one day. In a way I
guess you could say worldwide online forums could be world cultures, or
online cultures, if the people in the forum are from different countries and
exchange messages with each other. It isnt called the World Wide Web
for nothing. Woo! My finger hurt from writing so fast for such a long. I
think Ill take a break and go watch TV.

I took a break, but I still dont know what to write about. Im such a
fucking idiot. Cant even think of a simple goddamned thing to write. Oh
well. Was watching some music videos on MTV and MTV2 like usual.

Mentally, right now, I feel lost. I should go to bed and get some beauty
sleep, but I would like to write some more. Im not tired, which is probably
why Im not in bed yet. Its 10:03 p.m. right now.
Id like to live a reclusive, contemplative and peaceful life, but I have this
immeasurable creative energy I really feel like I need to express. It haunts
me. Its like a phantom that hides within me. I cant escape it. Its part of
me. A deep part. Sometimes this devotion to my work eats into my creative
work eats into my social life, but thats not intentional. Many of the greatest
creative people in historyVincent Van Gogh, Leonardo da Vinci, Pablo
Picasso, Edgar Degas, and Michelangelowere also lonely, because for one
thing they were geniuses, and for another they had that deep sense of
devotion for their work which probably just wasnt there in their social
interactions. This is not healthy and probably not even a good thing, but its
a fact of life, and it just is. That uncontrollable need to create. Recently I
have had the come to accept the conviction that this is the case for me in
both my art and my writing. I didnt think about it at first, even when I did
that Van Gogh recreation in elementary school, which was probably a sign,
but Ive come to accept it just being there. It has kind of given a divine, or
perhaps celestial, purpose and meaning to my life and thought process. I
dont function as well as Id like to in social settings for a reason. Because I
overly creative. Right now Im a starving artist, but Im still very happy. Im
not starving, but I wont have any extra money pretty soon, in about a week
and a half from now.

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MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 52

P a g e | 872

December 2001

Perhaps when Im fifty years old, Ill have created one of the worlds
longest journals. Its going to be over 1,000 pages long in less than a couple
years. I should check the famous Guinness Book.

When I write things, theyre usually the stream-of-conscience kind. Ill have
some run on sentences. My work could stand some editing. Thats for
certain. I have no idea where my future is heading specifically, butas Ive
stated beforethats just the way I like it. I know I have some kind of talent,
but Im not sure what area or medium I have the most talent in. The things I
do and the works I create are hard to categorize in my opinion, because they
blend theories, ideas, styles, voices, and genres, and it seems like I create
something different every time I sit down to create. I dont know how Im
able to do this. Maybe its through the conscious effort to always switch my
looks and voices up and not to be overly redundant. It doesnt matter
whether its in my themes or in my styles. Ill probably go from style to
style, company to company; or at least Id hope so. Im convinced Ill make
a great writer one day, but that day is far off. It is not now.

Im writing this journal. But Im also listening to Radiohead very intensely

while Im doing it. The Amnesiac album is amazing. I believe its supposed
to coincide with the Kid A album, but I kind of wonder if Amnesiac is about
the first human clone as well.

I suppose I should talk about my life. Yes life-ish things are good. The only
thing is that nothing important in my personal life has happened lately, so
theres not much to write about. I havent reached any milestones or had a

P a g e | 873

life changing experience lately, so if I talked a lot about what I did today, it
would just be kind of boring to hear, even for me. Maybe I should just go
straight into drawing, reading, or watching television instead.

Its a harsh world out there. I dont think I really want to be in the public
eye. I dont want to live life in a fishbowl. Im so disorganized.
Im sure we will reach the year 3000 one day, or even 2500 AD. But there
are so many things that have changed in such a short amount of time. The
Renaissance only happened around 600 or 500 years ago. Thats a short
amount of time. I dont even know what the year 2024 or 2014 will be like.
Im just concentrating on today. I focus on the day Im in. I take ascension
towards the future one day at a time. Its tough to believe all the things that
happened in 1999, 2000, and 2001. Whod have known that the World Trade
Center would have been destroyed, or that a former member of The Beatles
would die of cancer near the end of the year 2001? I never could have
predicted that my artwork would be published worldwide when I was
seventeen years old, but this did happen. Thats the shocking thing.

I think its true. There is a world full of haters. There are plenty of people
out there who rejoice when someone whos successful falls flat on their face
because theyre bitter and envious of that person. But due to my compassion,
I strongly believe there are plenty of people who want to see other people
succeed, like me who would like to see new people break through, especially
in the entertainment industry. Id love to see more great decent people
succeed in this world. Doctors, philosophers, scientists, physicists, New
York firefighters and police, blood donators, emergency medical
technicians, teachers, politicians, garbage men, cashiers, construction
workers, nurses, spiritual leaders, surgeons, pharmacists, and many other
typical workers deserve all the recognition they get. They deserve it more
than I do because theyre doing something Id do miserably, at the most.

I got up this morning and watched some cartoons. Digimon: Digital

Monsters and Jackie Chan Adventures, read my miniature book for my book
report, which was a shortened version of The Time Machine by HG Wells
It was a very small book and took me about twenty or so minutes to readat

P a g e | 874

breakfast while my mother went over to her friend, Ellens house, and then I
went straight to this computer. I am considering drawing today however. I
probably will if I want to badly enough. I already have filled up a page with
writing pretty many anyway, so therefore mission accomplished.

Just as I am a Leonardo Da Vinci and Ken Wilber fanatic, I think my brother

is turning into a fanatic of some other sort. An Indiana Jones fanatic. Hes
started to collect some of the Indiana Jones videos in a box set. I love those
movies too, but for me I like other things by Steven Spielberg and George
Lucas better, like Jurassic Park, Schindlers List, and the Star Wars
trilogies. I do agree however that nearly everything Spielberg and George
Lucas create is pure and authentic movie magic, in its most mainstream
sense, and I like that kind of magic. I think there are other kinds of movie
magic: like that occasional and subtle intellectualism and cleverness youll
see in Kevin Smiths various films, which include the black-and-white Indie
film Clerks and his epic religious comedy, Dogma. Or another kind of movie
magic could be the creepiness, supernatural concepts, and poignancy youll
see in M. Night Shyamalans films that hes done thus far: Unbreakable and
The Sixth Sense. Yet another kind is the otherworldly creative and gothic
visions of Tim Burton that he did in The Nightmare Before Christmas,
Beetlejuice, and Edward Scissorhands, which were all basically his babies,
unlike the films Batman, Mars Attacks, Sleepy Hollow, and the Planet of The
Apes remake. Those were all pretty bad, with the exception of Batman. The
psychology of the characters, mixed with the Danny Elfman soundtrack
made for one brilliant mix. The Blair Witch Project was amazing. The
creative concept behind the film and its marketing strategy were genius of
one kind or another. Unfortunately, after discovering these films and
attempting to analyze their success, I think the Hollywood system tries to
emulate success stories but gets the wrong ideas, because Hollywood by
itself, without any particular star talent that actually has the talent99% of
the time is unable to recreate the magic of individual vision.

Fortunately now I only have three whole books Im reading. High Fidelity,
Tis, and the Elegant Universe. After these books, Im not sure what else Ill
start reading. Maybe Soul Mountain and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
Maintenance.

P a g e | 875

I need to get to sleep pretty soon. Consciousness fading.

Im listening to the Beastie Boys right now while I wear a thick black tee
shirt. Not bad. I have to go to work today at 4 oclock though. Im certain
thats going to suck, but its okay because its only going to last for about
another week before Christmas and then Im out of there. Out of that
horrible place. I have to finish three portfolio pieces that show depth in
about the next month or month and a half, so Im not going to be on the
computer much if I notice Im not getting a lot of drawing done.

I finished my book report about thirty minutes ago, and now Im moving
onto bigger better things, like finishing up my portfolio and writing more
essays. It would be nice if I had already thought up a couple topics to write
about before I started this journal though. I do however believe my typing
speed is getting faster though. Can type a sentence in about ten seconds now
if its a medium size one. Its not as hard to fill up a page now. If Im going
at a god pace, it takes about ten to thirty minutes to fill up a page, if I know
what Im going to write about and am typing consistently. Its a lot of fun
writing fast. Id like to be prolific one day, and I think this is the method Im
going to need to utilize to achieve that goal. That being the method of just
typing and writing about things that come to my mind without stressing out
or thinking too much. Im beginning to think that building a narrative pace is
not that hard if you have the writing talent in the first place. Im now certain
it takes a certain amount of talent to get the words to dance and flow on the
page in the first place. Not everyone can do that. I guess I can, although Im
sure other writers out thereboth contemporary and historiccan do it
better and faster.

I dont believe Im the best writer or artist in the worldfar from itbut I
focus on both of them, which means I have that double challenge. This is to
say utilizing both mediums and doing both proficiently. Its not easy doing
both of them. Its hard enough to do both of them. But somehow Im able to
do both of them a lot. Even though I dont draw as much as I could, I still
draw a lot, which makes me feel good. I feel more accomplished if I do a lot
of good drawings than I would if I were to create a lot of decent writing.

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I may read that Ernest Hemingway book, True at First Light, next, or
perhaps Neil Gaimans American Gods. I want to read a decent novel after
in a little bit, and I think those books fit the description decent novel
perfectly, to say the least. Theyre two of the best writers in the world, which
is why I admire them so much. I cant forget Alan Moore or the others,
though.

Perhaps I should begin writing about drawing and the drawing process,
because it seems that the more I write about drawing in this journal, the
more Im able to actually get to drawing, because it keeps that particular
process on the forefront of my mind, which is good. Very good. In my
writing, Im always striving for that life like, proportionate look. I want my
drawings to have life to them, and a certain weight and line quality (or
should I say volume). I believe thats what makes a good drawing. That
sense of pathos, emotive states, and life-like quality.

If I write fiction for a living in the future, I think Ill write mainstream
fiction, if thats what you want to call it. I think the fiction Im envisioning is
a lot more abstract than that, but I have to pick a category, so I pick
mainstream fiction. I think my fictional stories will take place in all sorts of
different locations, but one of the main ones would probably be somewhere
in suburban neighborhoods, where a lot of cool weird and poignant stuff can
happen without even being noticed by the general public, because it would
make it on the local news or anything like that. I have to remember that
when Im writing a novel, Im writing somethinga storythat the reader
is picturing and is actually taking place in the real world. It has a very
grounded sense to it, so Im going to have to describe it that way. I can talk
about things like cancer, AIDS, aging, car accidents, prison, the police,
family, hospitals, murder, doctors offices, September 11th, Columbine,
supermarkets, Martin Luther King, World War II, the Vietnam War, and the
John F. Kennedy assassination, among many, many other things, but I can
mix that grounded and life-like real world sense with elements of fantasy
that cant be explained by scientific reason, like the paranormal. I can also
throw in philosophical and ethical issues or questions, which are other things
I love. I cant forget the spiritual elements either. Writing a novel would be a

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whole hell of a lot of fun if I threw in all of these things, and touched upon
different elements in each novel I wrote. Id have to do a lot of research
though. Research shouldnt be too painful however. I already have a lot of
good resources. My various writings: all of which I can use for ideas and
reference! That and my observation of whatever kinds of experiences I have
outside of my house and around town.
I may sit in this chair quite a bit, but my being is full to its core. Spirit
manifesting its self through my various domains. Both the cerebral domain
and the physiological domain, although it takes the former to intrinsically
perceive that there is any spirit inside the latter domain to begin with. Such
is the nature of being, which the spirit flows through in all of its intangible
beauty and totality. I enjoy speaking about the nature of the microcosm (the
self), even though microcosm would not exist without its incipient
correlate, the macrocosm (the cosmos). When these things are realized, one
realizes that the self is nothing, and the coating of the ego melts away,
leaving room for peace, compassion, altruism, and radical emptiness, which
translate to oneness with all that is. Im not suffering at all right now, and I
feel humbled to even get to have this kind of an observation. I dont know
where these perceptive descriptions of mine come from, but I dont think
Im supposed to. It may just be Gods analytical gift to me, or perhaps its
just that one taste or preview of Nirvana, or maybe even a deeper connection
with the Tao. I simply acknowledge them and appreciate them. I think this is
beyond emotive. Its trans-emotive. I hope this spiritual satiation translates
into creative power or energy.

I dont have a choice. I have to draw for a long time today until I come up
with some damn good and concrete visual concepts to go off of for portfolio
pieces. Anything and everything is open to exploration. But first Ill write
for an hour or two, and then get to the real work.

Lets see. I havent done a ton of reading during the course of my life, but I
have read some very decent books. So which books comprise the list of the
best books Ive ever read? Which ones played pivotal points in the
development of my ideas, creativity, and mind? Which books helped me and
got me through the most? Ill name them: Drawing on The Right Side of the
Brain by Betty Edwards, The Natural Way to Draw by Kimone Nicholaids,
One Taste by Ken Wilber (one of the most profound books Ive ever read),

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Awakening the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das, Desperation by Stephen

King (a truly creative and epic novel), Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone
by J.K. Rowling (creative contemporary fantasy), Johnny the Homicidal
Maniac; Directors Cut by Jhonen Vasquez, The Dalai Lamas Book of
Wisdom, and last but not least, Te-Tao Ching by Lao Tzu. All of them are
wonderful books, which I whole-heartedly recommend. They all changed
my way of thinking and opened my eyes up.
Heres a creative idea: What would someone do, or what would become of
him or her, if they could and did trade souls with someone else? It would
make a good premise for a fictional story. What came to mind first was that
perhaps the first thing to be changed in the person would be their personality
and opinions, but I think it would go deeper than that. A lot deeper. It might
make a cool movie. Hopefully no one else will think of it or steal it. Im not
going to tell anyone about this supernatural idea. Maybe youd need a
transmission device or machine to transfer souls from one person to another.
Would it make your body numb, dizzy, or aching, or tense? Could you feel
the difference? Would your IQ go up or down? Would ones body
eventually deteriorate and wither up because it couldnt handle the dramatic
change? There would be a lot of scientific, metaphysical, and philosophical
questions this would raise. What would happen if both people who traded
their souls died before they got their souls back? Where would the souls go?
I guess soul trading would kind of be like reincarnation when one is still
alive. I dont know where I came up with this idea, but Im glad I have it.
Perhaps its just my spark of genius at work again, or maybe its just
normal creativity. Its tough to measure how creative something is.

Got done drawing. And I wrote another essay, this time on the topic of
talent. I feel very decent. I got another portfolio piece done, which is
spectacular because I havent made a new portfolio piece in a long time, and
it shows spatial depth. Earlier today, I also started reading a brand new book.
I made a decision on what to read. Ive started reading the fictional memoir
True at First Light by Ernest Hemingway, and I like it so far. Hemingway
has enormous mad talent. Its re-showing me what literature can be, and how
good literature can be. Ill probably start reading either Soul Mountain or
American Gods next.

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I think the main difference between writing novels and writing comics is the
realism factor. You can take a lot of visual liberties with comic books and be
more creativebecause youre not dealing with pseudo-real lifewhich is
good, but you also have to be more dynamic when writing comics. I think
each medium has its various advantages. Novel writing pays better if youre
successful, obviously, but I think they each create their own unique types of
creative magic. They can both be brilliant and captivating when manipulated
to their full power. They each have their own rules and paths of actions to
manipulate in order to be fully manifested. Obviously, literature has more
depth than comic books, and I think it resonates more with the readers mind.
More often than not, the reader will probably find it easier to relate to a
novel character than they will some big steroid-consuming-looking muscular
superhero that fights supervillians all the time. I mean, whom are you going
to relate to? A big hairy masked mutant in a weird looking spandex outfit, or
an average shmuck who has mannerisms and ways of acting that nearly
mimic those of your own or someone else involved in your life. In my later
teenage years, now that Ive reached the age of eighteen, I find it easier to
relate to the latter than the former. No offense to all the comic book writers
out there though. Brian Michael Bendis and Greg Rucka are amazing, and
they now both write for Marvel. At times their characters transcend the twodimensional and prosaic, which is what Id love to see more of in
mainstream comic books and many Indies. Actually, Id love to see that in
any medium. Thats what the creative storytelling mediums of any kind need
more of. Less of the dull cardboard characters, and more innovative ideas
with depth. I honestly believe there is much commercial validity to this
concept, if its used properly and in moderation.

Was looking at a message board and one person put his opinion on
Buddhism. He views it as a religion that basically tries to cast off emotions,
thus making you dull and a hippie. Ive never really viewed it that way
though. If anything, practicing Buddhism makes you more aware and
mindful. The basic aim of a practicing Buddhist is to attain a state of
Nirvana, a mindset of ceaseless compassion, which I believe transcends
emotions, because emotions are often instigated through correlation with
desire and attachment, which is believed to be the direct cause of suffering.
If I become a celebrity and my Buddhist and Taoist beliefs are brought into
the spotlight, Im not going to debate with people over my religion and
spiritual beliefs. What I practice is my business, and I dont believe its my
job to convert or convince people. Im not a savior, a guru, a monk, or a

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spiritual guide for other people. I believe we all need to distinguish our own
individual spiritual paths towards what we each individually view of as
awakeningwhether its supreme peace and joy or a deeper connection with
Godand that path is often not the same for everyone. I simply find
Buddhism suitable for my spiritual path, and it has made me much more
compassionate and affectionate in the process, which I think is the aim of
many religions (to transform you into a more humane person). I dont think
Id like being considered a spokesperson or defender of the Buddhist or
Taoist religions, because I dont think thats my job even if I one day
become a public figure. I hope too many people dont bring it up with me.
Id prefer to let Richard Gere and the Dalai Lama keep being the world
spokespeople on Buddhisms behalf. Im not a spokesperson on Gods
behalf either.

When I see all the famous people out there, all the celebrities, I look at them
and see how clean, well groomed and beautiful they look. All the rock stars
and actors and models. Im not anywhere near that beautiful, but Im glad. I
dont want to be beautiful. Maybe one is not allowed to get famous when
they look like thiswith their unruly thick black curly hair and freckles
and thats why you dont see any famous people like this. All the famous
writers and artists are ugly compared to the rock stars and actors and models
though, so I guess I could get famous through that way, because in those
professions its okay to be famous and ugly. Or I could be respected,
spiritual, and intelligent, but not famous. The Dalai Lama is not the most
handsome looking man in the world, but hes affected millions of people
profoundly, has won the Nobel Peace Prize, and is considered a prophet and
the living reincarnation of the Buddha by some. I guess looks dont mean all
that much in the grand scale of things, even if you are one goddamned ugly
son of a bitch like myself.

Got back from buying my mothers Christmas present. I think shell like
them. I also got to see my favorite bookstore, Borders, in the process, which
was exceptional. I didnt do a whole lot of looking, but it was nice just being
there. Also, I handed in my uniform today, because Sunday of last week was
my last day working at my day job. I called my manager, half fearing that
she would not have received the letter I taped to her door, that it would have
fallen off, thus leaving me to argue over stopping work a week from now,
but the letter did not, and she received it, thank God. So now I can really

P a g e | 881

relax. Im not going to be working anywhere else any time soon. And since
tomorrow is my last day of school for this year, Ill have a full time job of
drawing at home now, since Im not doing much else. Mostly Im relaxing
and whatnot aside from writing in this journal, but theres always room for
hours upon hours of drawing. If I really like drawing, those many hours
shouldnt bother me, should they? So on my days off, since Im not going to
my horrible part time job anymore, Ill devote all my time to sleeping,
eating, reading my books and comic books, meditating, drawing, writing,
and watching music videos and Jackie Chan Adventures. That should be
nice. Hopefully Ill spend most of my time sleeping, because Im sure I
wont get a ton of it in college. I was also drawing tonight, and Im going to
be drawing more. So far, Ive done a few cartoony comic book caricatures of
myself and they look cool. Id like to put them in my comic books if I end
up making comic books. It seems like underground comic book artists doing
self-depictions is a fun and popular thing that never gets old. I figured I
might as well give it a try, and its worked out well so far.

Trying to think of something new to write about.

How I produce so much work and still manage to keep my sanity intact, Ill
never know. It hasnt even been more than nine days and already some of
the pages I wrote eight days ago seem distant from the ones Im writing
now. There are at least fifteen or twenty pages between now and then. In a
single month I must do a lot of writing. I should have no problems filling up
an entire manuscript with writing, even if it is full of nonsense. I might very
well already be prolific, but I want to subside my ego, so I wont claim that
right now.

I saw the preview for the newest M. Night Shyamalan movie, and he seems
to be getting more and more skill in the technical areas with each movie he
makes. I admire his process so much! His new movie is called Signs, and of
course it involves a frightening version of the paranormal, but thats what
hes known for. Writing supernatural thrillers that make a lot of money. If I
dont want to be constantly compared to M. Night Shyamalan, Im going to
have to differentiate my method of storytelling. I think my work will be
more analytical. One question to always ask about the paranormal, if it exists

P a g e | 882

at all, is why does it happen, if it does happen? Is there any coherent logic
or rhyme and reason to it? Does it raise any ethical issues?

Im definitely planning on drawing today. That should be exceptional, if I

put effort into it and have fun with it, but that shouldnt be too hard. I just
have to make the effort. All it takes is effort to have fun with what I do.
Today was my last day of school this year, and Im no longer going to my
job, so Im feeling a deep sense of relief. And of course Im breathing a sigh
of relief.

You can be the best artist in the world, but theres still a good chance that
youre going to face harsh criticism and rejection. It may be part of ones
destiny. Destiny doesnt give a shit if youre the greatest and most prolific
genius on the face of this earth. Fate and destiny will still give you shit and
try to make you feel bad in one way or another, manifesting themselves
through overly critical people who want to tear down those who are trying to
be successful. You just cant pay attention to that or listen to those people. If
you worried about what people said or thought about you, you just wouldnt
get anything done, because there will always be haters and critics, no matter
what you do for a living. Thats life. Nothing more and nothing less. For
instance, my parents are always criticizing me for doing too much writing
and spending time on the computer, and not enough drawing. Their criticism
is obviously justifiedconsidering my career pathso I try my best not to
argue with them because I know theyre right. Theyre wiser about my work
ethic than I am. I still cant ignore the fact that Ive made an enormous
amount of progress in my drawing and writing, even just in the last month
alone. I dont have time to sit back and look over my work because Im
always busy working hard on new creative work and ideas. I sometimes
wish I did spend more time looking over my newer and older drawings,
essays and journal files, but the best work I create (is what I hope) will most
of the time be my latest work. And heres the future, to creating many
hundred new pages of artwork and writing! Ive fallen in love with my
crafts. I cant lie about that. Im nowhere near being in love with myself but
I have fallen in love with the process of creating new work.

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It seems like everyone wants greater things. Lots of people want to be

accepted and loved. Lots of people want to be considered a person of
importance or worth. Lots of people want to be happy, and lots of people are
searching for something more meaningful and deeper, but are having trouble
finding it. I dont know whos going to deliver this to people. Not me. Thats
for sure. I simply try to create entertainment that I enjoy and that I hope
other people will enjoy as well in the future.
I thought up an idea about a story: It would be about two people, probably
coworkers, an atheist and a Catholic. The Catholic doesnt make anywhere
near half as much as the atheist, who makes millions of dollars a year. The
Catholic keeps praying to the lord and wondering why father? why is he
the Catholic, a person of faith, not being blessed with as much money as a
person who doesnt believe in God one bit? Why is God not providing him
with enough money to live comfortably? Why hes struggling more than the
atheist. The atheist believes that any type of a God does not have anything to
do with it, that he (the atheist) simply works harder than the Catholic and
had to work his way up to the financially powerful position, and that theres
a logical humanistic explanation for the circumstances. The Catholic then
realizes something. He may not have money, but he has love for people and
his family loves him, and thats more important in the end and you can take
that with you after you die. The atheist is envious of the Catholic because he
wants the same love, and he compliments the Catholic on his good human
values, because he believes that even though he doesnt believe he feels as
much love, he clearly believes that the act of love goes beyond the dogma of
good and evil. The Catholic forgives the atheist for not believing in God, and
the atheist still feels sorry for the Catholic for buying into mythological
principles. This would just be one of those theological and/or moral stories.

Its my first day of vacation. Plus yesterday was the day I had my last LifeDrawing for Animators class with Christian S, and I think it went well.

I think around one oclock Ill start drawing and draw on and off for the rest
of today. But first I want to do some good journal writin. Cant really think
of anything to write right now though. Im sure I will. I could gloat over the
amount of writing Ive done in the last three months like an egotist, but I
wont do that. I try not to fall in love with my work too much or gloat over
my achievements. I have to stay humble and always strive to produce a lot of

P a g e | 884

work. I have to keep writing this in order to remind myself, in hopes that it
will eventually sink in. I think too much about the possibilities of
recognition, admiration, and success, when my own lack of productivity is
staring me in the face. That is not good. I think Ill pray that this journal
never gets published and reaches the hands of the public. I dont think I
could bear to display this much of myself to the public, but if I were dead it
wouldnt be so bad. Im shy enough in front of large groups as it is. I dont
know how I could display so much of myself to so many people (perhaps
even thousands). I just dont have the balls and I think most other people
dont have the balls either.

Sometimes I wonder if there are any people alive today who are walking
reincarnations of famous people who have died. Are Andy Warhols or
James Cagneys souls walking around in the body of some female high
school teacher or garbage man who no one knows about, completely
unaware that part of them is Andy Warhol and James Cagney? Theyre still
alive in their movies and photographs that were made of them when they
were alive. You can still see them alive, walking and talking through
celluloid, which in a way captures time. Its not like celebrities arent
reincarnated also if they havent attained enlightenment.

I think in a way I have more of a mind like a professor than an entertainer.

Entertainers, by the large, are unspiritual, egocentric, inconsiderate, and selfabsorbed. I am not like that, and I dont want to be, which is whats starting
to make me think I was not cut out to be an entertainer and was more cut out
to follow the spiritual path. Everything I do is driven by my humanitarian
spirit and love for humanity, which lead to humility and compassion of
course.

On another level, I realize I am the bad guy. All my bosses, classmates, and
coworkers from my past have treated me like the bad guy, so I guess one
could say that on a certain level I am the bad guy, even though Im less evil
and have more morals than the ones who label me as the bad guy. I am not
like them, and I thank God everyday for that. I dont ever want to be like
them. They hate themselves and the world, but I cherish the world and
myself, and I dont love onethe world or myselfmore than the other.

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This is probably why I quit my old job as a courtesy clerk at the

supermarket.

Just got done buying Christmas presents. That was lovely. A funny term
would be The Tao of Christmas Shopping, which seems like a paradox hands
down.
Id like to create art on an international level, but if I had to geographically
categorize myself, Id say I do American writing and artwork, even though
they might one day be distributed on a world level. Im not a British or Irish
writer, even though many of them are wonderfulsuch as Frank McCourt,
Alan Moore, and Neil Gaimanso Im definitely an American writer. I love
living in America, even though Im doing a risky employment venture and I
dont have very many friends here. Maybe if I went over to Britain and
France one day, Id make a lot of new friends there. Japan might be nice. If I
ever get rich, Ill probably leave America for a short time one day.

Over the course of my life, I have decided one thing. I am not a poster-boy
or spokesperson for any one particular thing or group. Not the whites, not
the Hispanics, not the intellectuals, not the artists or writers, not the
Buddhists, not the spiritual seekers, not the Christians or Catholics, and
certainly not the geeks and outcasts. Like I always say, I am simply myself. I
exist and that is good enough for me. I dont like being compared to other
people, because I dont emulate or copy anyone else in particular, or at least
not intentionally. Love thy enemies and feel compassion for all sentient
beings. Life is about helping others and taking an active part in the sequence
of ones life, not a passive part. If you want to get anywhere, you have to be
active, not passive, yet also be driven by compassion and love. Its not easy
for anyone to make sense of all the chaos surrounding us all, but it is
necessary for one to try in order to find any kind of peace of mind.
Embedded within chaos and lost purpose are love, peace, and common
humanity, which we all need to utilize in order to at least strive for world
peace.

Please destroy me in the head if I ever get caught writing typical mainstream
categorical garbage, please. Im risking sounding like a snob when I say that

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I aim to be above the industries, but what Im trying to do I believe

transcends commercialism, materialism, competition, and the temporal. Its
not about the money or receiving admiration. There was a time when I used
to seek compliments, but they are unnecessary now.

When we try to get a certain thing done that we know we need to do, we
tend to put it off. We put if off and put it off, in hopes that well have an
easier time doing it the next day. The problem is that doing something
tomorrow and getting it done isnt any easier than getting it done today. We
think well suddenly have an easier time doing something if we wait to do it
or are inspired to do it, but we never will. We think things will change if we
let time fall into place, but things dont suddenly change. That kind of magic
doesnt exist. The only way things will be easier in the future is if we realize
that theyll be just as tough on us then as they are now. If we dont work
hard here and now, time will not make things easier. This is just something
Ive noticed from living life. This certainly applies to my portfolio and my
drawing practice in general. Its not good to put things off hoping they will
take care of their self.

I might read before I go to bed tonight. Its almost 6:30 p.m. at night right
now. Its nearly time to watch Jackie Chan Adventures. And in those
immortal words of Uncle, One more thing! This will be possible only if
one of our television sets is working. The one in our living room was broken
this morning, and the one in my parents bedroom was showing nothing but
static after it had been working. I dont know if it works now. I havent tried
to use it once today since it was showing static.

My writing seems to be lacking weirdness lately. I dont consider myself to

be much of a socially conscious or serious writer. I couldnt spout facts
about any historic American War to save my life, and I dont know much
about how the economy or political systems work, but I do consider myself
somewhat creative.

Didnt draw tonight. I did however finish the last section of A Heartbreaking
Work of Staggering Genius: Mistakes We Knew We Were Making. So that

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means now Ive finished the book entirely. A shame really. I didnt want it
to end, but I knew I have to move onto other books. There was one basic
statement that stuck with me, which basically said that all people have that
strong craving for a sense of purpose. Its true! I reflected on relaxation,
while I was in my room, trying at all costs to feel like I didnt have any
urgent things to attend to, and just rest. I was in my room, lying down with
my back pressed against my bed, hands tucked under pillow, staring at the
ceiling, with my old pet cat Tigger, in a sitting position on my stomach. She
had that sleepy look in her eyes and looked in that sort of manner, which
said she was about to fall asleep. I usually end up doing this, the same thing,
when Im bored. I kept thinking, I have to get back to the word processor,
and then I wondered why I dont think the same thing about the drawing
table, with the same type of urgency. Im addicted to writing because I can
do it well seemingly naturally. This is the way it seems lately.

It appears that not too far from now, another one of these wretched journal
files will be filled up in what seems like no time at all. Its basically been six
days since I started this file. This seems very bizarre that Ive gotten to the
point where I can fill one up with thoughts so fast. I never really used to
assume I had so many thoughts, but apparently I do. Many other people do
as well. Theres nothing really that different about the volume of cerebral
manifestations I produce in a short amount of time. Other people can do it
too. I just seem to have the ability to tap into putting it down on paper pretty
much all the time, even if what I produce is boring and repetitive like talking
about producing a lot of work. The reason I say it so much is kind of like the
reason I draw circles on a piece of paper to get warmed up before I draw. It
usually causes that initial spark to produce things I havent made before. It
tends to work very well. Overall, I am very lazy. I dont put enough energy
into my drawings, which subsequently makes a lot of them look weak. Im
sick of all this self-absorption. I feel so self-absorbed and egotistical when I
see that Ive written the word I so many times, but sometimes I dont
know what else to write about.

Finished another book today. High Fidelity by Nick Hornby. Spent half of
today reading and finishing the damn thing. I read around 100 pages or
more, and I usually dont read that many pages in a day. It was a good book
though. A plot and characters were a bit redundant and repressed, but
Hornbys writing was still good, and I was still drawn into the book and

P a g e | 888

found the characters utterly enjoyable and believable. Hes a good writer,
even if most of High Fidelity was about sex, CDs and music, which would
definitely classify it as pop-literature. I like the unconventional literary
subject matter, and how there were a lot of comparisons and lists made in the
book. Your typical best selling novel does not contain such things. It felt
good to read a whole hell of a lot today, because if I want to become a
sufficient writer, I need to write and read constantly. Thats a given. I did a
lot of reading today. About three or four hours' worth. Possibly more than
that, actually. Im trying to decide what Im going to read next. Probably
either Soul Mountain or Little Green Men. Im leaning more toward Little
Green Men, so Soul Mountain will have to come next. Im prone to be
interested by weird things (i.e. political figures who get abducted by aliens,
which in fact is the outline for the novel Little Green Men).

Have to start thinking professionally if I want to work and live

professionally. I did about two sketches or drawings today, which is not
much, but spent most of the totality of today reading, so its all good.
Listening to some Cornelius right now, and they kick ass. Theyre Jpop/rock songs rock the house, as Del the Funky Homosapian once said.

Well, this sucks. I just ran into the fragile wooden door in this computer
room, and the gadget to keep in line with its railing broke right off. That
upset my mom, even though I didnt do it intentionally. I just walked into it
with full force and Snap! It broke apart. The door still worksby which I
mean opening, closing and the likebut it doesnt go along the rail
anymore, or at least not right now. The piece that kept it in place flew right
off, and it made a rather loud sound. Like I said, it sucks. Its something to
write about though.

Received a letter from the Art Institute this evening, and after reading it my
mother and I felt like celebrating. It was a letter that said when I graduate
high school and turn in my final grade to the submissions office, Im
officially allowed to attend the school and theyre reserving a place for me.
So its official. I actually have a college that Im allowed to go to and attend!
This is very exciting for me. If I get accepted nowhere else, Ill still have
somewhere to go to college, and I will be aided by Lynne Shields who can

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help me in the academic subjects. College shouldnt be too hard as long as I

work hard. Art school is a gateway to a well-off career in whatever path I
choose to go in, whether its computer animation, fine art, philosophy,
science, illustration, comic books, traditional animation, live action film, or
writing novels (or perhaps all of these things. Hey, it could happen.).

Listening to a rock group I havent heard anywhereboth the radio and my

Sony Discmanin quite some time. The Wallflowers: best known for that
one main hit they did, One Headlight. Theyre a great modern rock band and
I wonder what theyve been doing lately. Theyre newer album didnt do all
that well commercially. I dont know if that CD, whichever one it was, even
sold a million copies. I added even because Id expect a solid band like that
to create many albums that sell at least a million copies, but I guess lately,
those bragging right are reserved by horrendous musicians like Britney
Spears and The Backstreet Boys. Its disturbing, to say the least, that this
manufactured artificially inspired, superficial kind of music with no
spontaneity whatsoever could sell so many copies and somehow connect
with people who dont see through the marketing hype. Its funny how so
many could be blind to the ulterior motives of industry executives like that
fat, greedy little man, Lou Pearlman, whos almost as greedy as Michael
Eisner of Disney. Thats the system I guess. I dont want to get caught up in
the system. Id like to do my best to stay to the left of it, if thats possible.
Thats probably why its so refreshing to see bands like Radiohead get end
up #1 on the Billboard music charts with practically no BS hype, and its
only real hype being word of mouth and the Internet.

If I ever get my writing published, Im sure Ill get asked that oh so popular
question, Where do you get your ideas? Shit man. If I knew that, Id write
a book about it and Id sell a bazillion copies for answering that question
that everyone seems to ask. But the truth is, there isnt one specific answer
for this question. I live my life, keep a journal, and put all the thought that
come into my head down into words. Thus I eventually end up with some
workable ideas. Creativity is a thing thats very hard to put into words as it
is, so how could one expect to be able to put the theoretical nucleus of
creativity into words? Its pretty much impossible. If you get published, Im
sure youll be approached by a lot of people asking questions and wanting to
tell you things in general. I suppose I should be prepared for that. If youre

P a g e | 890

published, famous, rich, and prolific, its inevitable, especially if youre

sitting atop a best-seller list of one kind or another.

P a g e | 891

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 53

P a g e | 892

December 2001

My family and I are going to Uncle Mikes Christmas party today fairly
soon, so Im not going to be able to write or draw much before we have to
leave.

We just got back not too long ago from the Christmas party. Its 9:42 right
now, and Im lacking inspiration of what to write about, like usual.

I wonder if there have ever been real reports of a haunted space station. Im
talking about one that resembles a real world one, not the overly gigantic
and futuristic ones like you see in the movies. Im watching a television
show thats talking about funerals in space, so why not cosmic apparitions.
Hey it could happen. It might make a good premise for a story, about an
early space shuttle that went up into space, which was not generally known
about by the public, but horrible acts of murder and whatnot happened to the
astronauts, and it drifted off course into the depth of space, alone and
abandoned. And then a modern spaceship could have picked up the signal
and found it. The astronauts would then have to investigate, and weird
supernatural events would take place. Perhaps youd be on the ship, floating
or walking around, and when you looked out the window of the cockpit,
instead of the blackness of the cosmos, youd see something that looked like
it came from some other realm entirely. Maybe even the depth of hell. Being
on a haunted space station would certainly give someone some severe
psychological traumatic stress disorder, if they survived. There are probably
a lot of cool locations that one could imagine to be haunted. A space station
was the first one that came to mind. Other locations that might seem
interested if theyre haunted. School buses, an FBI building, malls, Area 51,
locker rooms, airports. The list could go on and on. And the list of things
that can happen in a haunted place also could go on and on. Maybe this is
the reason people enjoy writing horror novels and movies, even though the

P a g e | 893

lot of horror movies are often the ones where groups go into a situation and
are killed off one by one by some frightening force or person.

Trying desperately to think of something new and interesting to write about,

but I may be out of luck.

It must be cold in New York right now. I sometimes wonder what its like in
Los Angeles or other parts of California at the time I do the wondering.
Right now I wonder what the weathers like in England, or even Washington
DC. I can wonder these types of things because I havent been to these
places. Im sure Florida seems to other non Floridiansboth those from incountry and out of countrylike a nice place to visit, but if you live here for
longer than ten years, like I have, at times it can seem horrendous, and you
just want to move someplace else, especially if you dont have any friends
here anymore, like me. The grass is always greener on the other side though,
as they say. A lot of celebrities have been to Florida, Im sure, and they may
have loved it, but I do not. Thats probably one of the reason Im hoping to
be successful in publishing, so I can go on a signing tour and get to see the
country, and maybe even the world. I might not like that though, because Id
be spending a lot of time in airports. That might be my schedule: Fly into
state, drive to different areas and sleep in hotel, go to place Im attending sit
down at table for a couple hours, see a big line of fans and sign my name
200 (give or take some) times, do a reading and all those other things, fly out
of state, arrive in another state by airplane, and do the whole thing over
again twenty times over or more. I guess it would be worth it if I had a
decent sized readership and was making all the dough. That sounds like a lot
of hard work, even if its just doing promoting. Thats not counting the
whole year spent writing a book, coming up with ideas, editing and revising,
waiting for the publishing process to finish and the time between the
publications of hard cover copies and soft cover copies, and everything in
between. The print name of JM Strebler may be staring me in the face quite
a bit in the future. Or it may not.

Eureka. I think I know what causes all this creativity I manifest out of my
head or imagination. The answer my friends: My brain and hands are
magical. Thats it. Either that or maybe its because theyve been touched by

P a g e | 894

God. I think Ill go with my magically magical answer. Yeah, thats how it
happens. My brain and hands are magic. Its better than claiming Im a
genius. I guess Ill just say I have that creative spark that not everyone seems
to have. I can think of imaginative things pretty easily sometimes. Like that
time my right foot disconnected itself from the rest of my leg, hopped away,
out of my house, and got beamed up into the air by an unidentified flying
saucer, and then came back to my house one day and begged me to take it
back. It claimed it was no longer on speaking terms with the retired US
politicians who were running the spaceship. The politicians were aliens, and
they did not treat my foot right. How sad. Man, that was memorable. Since
then I have taken my foot back into my life and we lived happily ever after.
Blah, blah, blah. Yaddah-yaddah-yaddah. I could spend all day thinking up
weird stuff like this, but unless Im writing for animation or underground
comic books, it would not serve much of a purpose, other than sufficing for
my own personal amusement. Actually, it might serve a purpose. Perhaps the
purpose would be the idea that I could use it for later, for some purpose. Im
not sure if it would be a logical or any type of ethical purpose, but it might
be a creative purpose.

Many people are superficial when they speak of things like karma, being,
form, consciousness, and the universe. I might be a little bit more
knowledgeable about these things than your typical working class person
who hasnt gone to college to learn about these thingswould be, but the
best people to ask about these concepts would have to be a monk, a
philosopher, a psychologist, a physicist, and a cosmologist, who can all
therefore make me look superficial. They spend their lives studying these
things. They all make me look quite stupid. Not just because I really am an
idiot, but also because they know more than me. I dont know who studies
the theory of perception and perceptive progress. Maybe no one does.
Perhaps thats why I like to study it. Perception often is correlated with the
concept of manifestation, which is why I tend to use the word
manifestation a lot. Perception is manifested through our own
consciousness. One has to be fully conscious in order to fully perceive the
tangible. Perceptologist might be what one could call what I am partially.
Phenomenology is like perceptology, except phenomenology studies and
analyzes the nature of subjective perceptual observation. I believe theres a
difference, and I think any intellectual peers would agree with me. The
problem is that I have to ask an important question about this branch of
study. What category does it fall under? Is it science, psychology,

P a g e | 895

philosophy, biology, or physics? Extreme intellectuals often shut

themselves away from the world and are persecuted by their peers for being
smarter than everyone else. I also believe that the two types of theoretical
form can both coexist and dont have to antagonize each other. Impressionist
form and classic philosophical form can co-exist in a single being, except
they coexist on different levels or dimensions (the surface level and the inner
level), just as the self as different levels and dimensions, like the ego, the
soul, the spirit, and the mind, which paradoxically exist simultaneously.

Id like to study all the great thinkers of the past and present. Nietzsche,
Wilber, Descartes, Hawking, Feynman, Einstein, Freud, Buddha, Tzu,
Confucius, Kant, Aristotle, Sartre, and Plato. On a certain level, Im already
conscious of them and what theyve contributed (well, most of them
anyway), so Im off to a good start. I get the sense that I have some
relatively new concepts Im studying here, but Im not 100% certain whether
Im treading un-treaded waters at all or not at all. I think theres one thing
Ive learned from what Ive just written though. Just as its possible for one
to develop their own unique writing voice or artistic voice, its very likely
also possible for one to develop their own unique and natural philosophical
voice, which is not exactly like that of any other philosopher. This may be
starting to happen to me.

Currently its 4:42 PM. Read the first chapter out of Little Green Men. Its a
very interesting book, and I think it will take a couple chapters before I get a
sense of the books full style and voice. Its good so far though. There are a
lot of good books so far. I think in one yearthis last yearIve read
around ten to twelve books of various sorts. Stephen King does a lot more
reading per year than I do, but then again, I have school and drawing as well
as reading and writing, and I do a lot more writing than I do reading. I still
think I do a relatively healthy amount of reading. Definitely more than I
used to do. Its also good to know that I have more than two hours left to get
a lot more drawing done until I get tired and want to go to sleep, but after I
get off of the computer this time, if Im not sleeping, watching television or
resting on my bed, Ill be drawing my ass off and working my ass off at
drawing. Im not going to lie, doing all that hard work at the drawing table is
going to be a pain in the ass at first, but I strongly believe after I do it for a
while and get into it, Ill probably enjoy it. Hell, I might enjoy it a lot sooner
than that. Maybe even right after I start drawing again.

P a g e | 896

Got some more drawing done and its a little past nine right now. I was
watching Cartoon Network. Samurai Jack and Justice League. Both of them
are awesome animated shows. Theyre very visually elaborate, and I like
that in a cartoon show; whether its in Japan or America.

Something has just occurred to me. Independence Day has already passed,
and Christmas is in about one or two days. Since September 11th, people are
still displaying American flags, celebrating their freedom, and lighting off
fireworksIm sure some will light off fireworks on Christmas day,
supposedly Jesus birthday, but thats just my guess. Ive noticed that this
means something very symbolic, which integrates holiday concepts in a
way. It will be the Fourth of July on Christmas. Even though Im not a
Christian, theres something very beautiful to me about this concept. I kind
of wonder if anyone else is seeing this connection. All I can think of is that
Im glad Ive lived long enough to live to this day, and see the things in the
world that have happened thus far. And if I live past 2010, Im sure Ill be
glad to see that day too.

I used to think that mainstream entertainment and culture were ruled by

companies and anonymity of collaboration. Fortunately, I think that concept
is subsiding. The companies count on banking off of star talent. Even Disney
and Marvel do it in certain ways now more than they used to. Disney banks
off of Glen Keane as well as Michael Eisner. Marvel banks off of people like
Brian Michael Bendis and a whole bunch of other post-indie talents, which
is an amazing sight to see, because the old Marvel and Disney never would
have done things like that. People like M. Night Shyamalan, Ron Howard,
Robert Zemeckis, Stephen Spielberg, Tim Burton, Kevin Smith, Gus Van
Sant, and some other very famous directors practically run the film business.
They are the heart of the mainstream film business because they make good
movies and their films are profitable for the most part. Simon and Schuster
banks off of great authors like Stephen Kind, Ernest Hemingway, Dave
Eggers, and Frank McCourt, who are some of the companies most respected
talent that theyve published. I just find it comforting that if someone has
talent and works hard, they will often receive credit where credit is due. Its
good to know actual people run companies, even if they are in large groups,

P a g e | 897

not the corporate machine. You cant have the entertainment companies if
theres not talent to entertain. Sure there are a lot of promotional material
and selling going on behind the scenes, but a lot of it is about individual
vision, or at least sometimes.
Nothing to write about right now, so I think Ill just sit here and enjoy the
moment. Either that or Ill go back into my room and look at some of my
drawings Ive done recentlyLooked at the drawings, and Im back on even
though I need to be back at the drawing table bright and early tomorrow. No
big deal really. I just need to do it and get it done, and it doesnt matter how
long it takes. I also need to get my Christmas presents for my family
wrapped.

Now that Ive gotten a taste of the enormity of my potential during the past
year or so, I dont want to ever go back.

One thing I can pretty much predict that Ill never be. It is an editor in chief
of some publishing branch. It doesnt matter what company. I wont be one
of those. I know they make a lot of money, but I dont care. I dont care how
many times I have to say this but I dont work for the money or admiration. I
work for the enjoyment and the reward of creating. I work so I can get to
experience the process, in both drawing and writing. Speaking of drawing, I
cant wait to get to that.

Just got back from Judy McCulloughs pre-Christmas day Christmas party,
and it was nice. I got to talk to Mark about all kinds of artsy things. Plus I
got some presents from Judy. All books. I received To Kill A Mockingbird
by Harper Lee, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest by Ken Kesey who just
died earlier this year in 2001, and Drawing A Likeness by Douglas R.
Graves. All of them look like good booksand Ive thought about buying
some of them for quite some time.

I have a list of a lot of major best selling literary publishing houses, which
all publish quite a bit of bestsellers, and all of which have websites. They are
Simon and Schuster (of course), Penguin Putnam, Ballantine Books, Vintage

P a g e | 898

Books, and Warner Books. If I were to browse through The Writers Market,
get a literary agent, and get hooked up with any of these major publishing
houses, and actually be able to craft a good book that someone other than
myself would be interested in reading,
I think that if I do put out a mainstream fiction novel and the biographical
thingies next to my photo says that I went to an art school (like the
Ringling), majored in and received a degree in illustration, I think that might
seem unusual or weird for a literary book. The reason for this being that
usually in the author bio section, what youll often find is something that
goes like: (Insert famous author name her) attended or earned a degree
at the University of (Insert college name here), where he or she earned a
degree in (blank). A mother of father of two, he or she lives in (Insert state
name here) with their wife or husband and a dog, named Moocher. My
personal biography will probably just sound weird. People would see my
biography, and would think, He doesnt know shit about anything practical.
Why the hell is he writing a book?

Transcendence over ego is accomplished by empathic embrace, and

diminishing the wall of solipsism separating us from the spirit that is the rest
of the world. I dont know why I said that, but I felt that I should know, for
some reason that I have not yet distinguished. I dont know where that came
to me from. The thought sort of floated into my head and I felt I should write
it down. Im not sure what Ill be thinking ten years from now. Dont know
if Ill think the same thing, something shallower or something deeper.

I know its the eve of Christmas, but it doesnt feel like Christmas Eve. It
feels too warm or something, but hey, this is Florida after all.

I enjoy a lot of things. I like to eat. I like playing some videogames. I like
reading comic books and books. I like going over to my neighbor Judys
house (she a friend of my whole family, and we all have a close
relationship). But little compares to the beauty to behold which awaits me at
my drawing desk and in some of my better drawings. Reading profound
books of any sortwritten by people who are not myselfis good too. I
enjoy reading my journals and essays, but even they arent quite as good as
when I can behold some of my better drawings done in both pencil and

P a g e | 899

charcoal. The cool thing is that they really are actual works of art, and I feel
very fortunate just to be able to call myself an artist or even writer.
Something has occurred to me. All the villains and kooks in history, or the
most evil people from past and present, see the world differently than pretty
much all of us. People like Charles Manson, Timothy McVeigh, Adolf
Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Fidel Castro, Ted Bundy, Jack The Ripper, Kip Kinkel,
Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, and Osama bin Laden. Youll find one inherent
trait in pretty much every single one of these people. The vast majority of
them do not see themselves as evil or even the bad guy. They see the good
guys as the bad guys, which is what gives them enough conviction to
commit the amoral acts of torture and murder that they do. Perhaps the
correct term would be evil genius, except that would be a contradictory
statement because geniuses are able to see what will be the most universally
beneficial to the lot of humanity, and the villains and kooks do not see those
things. They only see their vision of what they think will suffice for a higher
order, but what they really see is anything but that.

Ever since I have followed the way of the Tao and have sought the path of
enlightenment and inner awakening. I was just meditating for ten or twenty
minutes, and it gave me a profound sense of contemplative peace. I live for
those brief escapes from suffering and chaos.

Its Christmas day, and the family and I have opened our presents. I got a
whole bunch of things. The Tim Burtons The Nightmare Before Christmas:
Special Edition DVD, Smashing Pumpkins Greatest Hits, and then theres
the books I received. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by
Michael Chabon, The Origins and History of Consciousness by Erich
Neumann, Being and Time by Martin Heidegger, and My Adventures As An
Illustrator: As Told by Tom Rockwell by Norman Rockwell. These were my
presents this year. These were combined with my presents for Chanukah and
my birthday to make quite a bit of presents. Theyre all good presents that
will be very useful to me.

Since its Christmas day, the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story is on

all day today on TNT. What good would the season of giving be without this

P a g e | 900

televised marathon? My whole family (myself included) loves that movie,

and we love when they do the marathon. Its like a holiday tradition, and I
think a lot of other families would say the same thing; otherwise they
wouldnt show that same marathon year after year, and theyve been doing it
for a couple years now. I dont know when they started doing it, but I love
when they do it. Its a great hilarious film and is a new classic, or at least
according to TNT. I love my Smashing Pumpkins Greatest Hits CD also and
am listening to it right now. Actually, I love all my presents.

Just watched Jurassic Park III on DVD with my brother, and I hated it. That
movie sucked so much compared to the second Jurassic Park, and the
second one sucked compared to the first one. The first one had that spark of
innovation and originality, but even though the third and second ones were
more technologically advanced, any sensible movie watcher can tell that the
producers are just cashing in on the success of the first one and not trying to
show us anything really new. My brother likes the third one though, but he
doesnt judge films on artistic merit. He likes movies with a lot of action and
fast paced movement. Hes more of a popcorn movie person, whereas Im
more of an artsy fartsy film snob, which I believe is a good thing and not a
bad thing.

You know, I dont think Id be pretentious enough to call the kind of product
I want to offer intellectual stimulation, if its entertainment. Its not
intellectual entertainment unless someone else labels it that first.

The Smashing Pumpkins have been an extremely influential modern rock

band. Too bad they broke up, but I think in a way, they went the way that all
great bands eventually go. They cant just sit there and rot in obscurity.
Theyre work is too commercially viable and theres too much demand for
their music for them to rot away in the obscurity of low selling records. And
thank God, because theyre so much better than pretty much any modern
rock band getting a lot of radio or music video play currently, who hasnt
been around since at least 1995.

P a g e | 901

Was reading some of that book that Norman Rockwell wrote, and he seems
to be an eloquent writer as well as one of the most talented modern artists in
the history of not just America, but the entire world. His quest to develop a
strong drawing ability was no different than that of any other lesser artist
who does not have as much skill, but still wants to be more skilled. I ought
to consider reading that whole book next, even though it is a big one. The
reason I say this is because reading it seemed to make me feel like I wasnt
alone in my desire to get better at my drawing, and seemed to make me want
to get to the drawing table for some reason. Im too tired tonight to draw
though, so what Im going to do soon is sleep. Tomorrow might be good for
some drawing however.

As I write this, the wind is howling outside. Through my window near this
computer, I can see the leaves on the bushes rustling. Its spooky but
beautifulNow theyre not moving anymore.

Around five hours have gone by since Ive last written the above paragraph
in this journal. I was reading one of my old journals and drawings some
sketches, so Ive kind of been too busy to write in this journal for the early
part of today.

I think theres one important element of consciousness that people neglect.

The fact that we are not what we think. Our thoughts are not us. If we think a
negative thought, we have to realize that just because we think something
evil, that does not mean that we are evil, unless we want to have the evil
thoughts and actually enjoy them when we have them.

Im just writing a little bit while I take this break from my drawing. Its
pleasant, which is nice. I might go meditate. Earlier today I made a list of
things for myself to do today. So far Ive done about half the things on the
list, and I have the other half to go.

Ive been thinking. Id like to have a professional website one day. Ill
probably call it what my novelist name would be. www.jmstrebler.com. Im

P a g e | 902

not sure when and if that will happen though. It would certainly be nice.
What would I put on my official website. Probably my personal biography
that everyone will go off of to think that they know something about me, an
online store for my creative work, photos, artwork in all sorts of forms, a
message board, perhaps an online journal, essays, contact info, and maybe
info on my tour schedule. I know Im getting ahead of myself here, but Im
just sort of playing what-if here. Im not expecting to have an official
website, and I dont think I should. I already tried to make one personal
website with my so-called web master, Tony, who totally sucks at web
design and is lazyhes a sorry excuse for a web masterwho I will not
associate with again, mostly because he doesnt go to my school anymore
and goes to a different private school. And that website turned out
horrendously. If it were successful, it actually would have gotten some hits
and it would have had visitors, but it didnt have any of those things, and
pursuing that website for so long with the slacker had to have been one of
the biggest wastes of time Ive ever had in my life. I could have spent that
time drawing! But no, I wasted hours and hours trying to contact Tony and
fix my MP3s, all for nothing. Bollocks! I guess you live and learn. I may be
simply feeding that suspicion that perhaps one day Ill suddenly end up an
object in the center of attention, even though I dont think any kind of
natural ability of mine would be able to justify fame or wealth.

Im not sure if Im ready to move out of the house. In a way, its both
exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. There are so many what-ifs
going through my head. If I dont have a nervous breakdown from living so
far away from home, I think Ill do just fine. I went into the cafeteria of the
Ringling School of Art and Design, and my heart was pounding furiously
this was back when I was touring the campus, probably because it was
crowded, even though the majority of the students at Ringling seem nice,
and a lot of them come from all across the world. I guess Ill do what I have
to do. Adjust. Adjust to not living in this house or watching as much TV
(because I might not be able to watch as much TV), and to living in a living
quarter with a roommate, where Ill have to sleep in the same room with a
roommate. Hope hes friendly and doesnt mind a guy who spends a lot of
time in his room. I also hope he has a car, so that perhaps he could give me a
car ride to the video store, book store, and the museum. Im not sure if hed
want to play chaperone though. He might not. We might get to know about
each others lives and become pals, as Im sure many roommates have done.
Hey. You never know. I might even have a girlfriend at Ringling, but Im

P a g e | 903

not counting on that. I know Im a loner, but Im going to have to learn to

reach out and talk to people, otherwise Ill be miserable and I might not last
the whole four years at Ringling and drop out. If I dont graduate art school,
Ill be fucked. Id have an extremely tough time finding illustration work
without an art school diploma, and thing would be pretty hopeless. But I
think if I really make the effort and cut down my writing, I should do just
fine. Lynn Shields will be there to help me anyway. On my days off from
my art classes at either Ringling or the Art Institute, I might just sleep all
day and night. Im sure Ill do a lot of sleeping in college, but also a lot of
drawing.

So I guess you could say that in my art, thus far I have received three paid
commissions or freelance assignments with my artwork. The artwork I did
for those were all pretty crappy, but I made money and I was more lazy back
then. I drew some interesting/boring subjects. A tin can and trinket toys,
nesting dolls, fish, and pets, doing these all in different looks.

Earlier today, I finished up a drawing I started yesterday, after I was

feeling hopeless about art school. After debating and having second thoughts
about college, telling them to my parents, etc., I became depressed, went to
my room, and started sulking. I went in there with full intent of just lying
there on my bed, doing nothing and staring off into space, so that I could sort
things out in my mindand maybe fall asleep. Then inspiration hit. I felt
like I needed to express myself on paper, so I took one of my spiral
sketchpads to my bed with me and started doodling. I began drawing the
cover of the Tis book I own, written by Frank McCourt, so basically I was
doing a drawing of Frank McCourt sitting in a chair thats backwards, not
intending to end up with a drawing that was any good. But then it started
getting that cool looking, rough, sketchy quality and it was loose. It then
occurred to me that I had something decent going there, so I continued
working on it during last night. I continued it today, and rendered it a lot,
getting rid of some of the black outlines and contrasting dark tones with very
light tones that are in the railings of the chair, and it turned out fantastic
today. The last thing I did to the drawing was readjusting the facemaking
the mouth smaller, and eyes less shadowyto get it to look more like Frank.
It didnt look exactly like McCourt in every way, but it wasnt too bad
overall. I titled the drawing, and named it Frankie Boy, which is a
nickname that he gets called sometimes in the book. So I ended up with a

P a g e | 904

good drawing. Its not Norman Rockwell or Gustav Klimt level, but I think
its good. Perhaps everybody works at his or her own artistic level. Ill get
back to my drawing soon since Im having a lot of fun with it, but Im taking
a brief break right now, looking through some of my books and whatnot.
I have a much stronger conviction now than I used to that every artist has to
develop their own unique way of seeing the world, and their own unique
way of getting inspired and motivated to create their beautiful work. I
believe this is what makes great artists. Norman Rockwell, van Gogh,
Leonardo da Vinci, Edgar Degas, Picasso, John Singer Sargent,
Michelangelo, Eugene Delacroix, Edward Gorey, Raphael, Salvador Dali,
Claude Monet, and Gustav Klimt all had their own unique way of seeing the
world and portraying it in all different mediums. It didnt matter whether it
was pencil, ink, or paint. Their genius provided them with the ability to put
brilliance, innovation, and beauty in their artwork. I believe thats the
amazing thing about them. I know Ill never be as good as the majority of
they the geniuses, but when I think about it, I think the majority of them did
not pursue writing as well, so I think I have that advantage. The advantage
that since Im pursuing two separate mediums that both take different
approaches, but are both creative, I can go by a separate standard. If Im
mediocre in one or the other, I can use the fact that Im doing both as an
excuse for my failed attempts in one if their not turning out as well as my
ventures in the other.
Im sure the year 2001 will be a year in history to remember. A day of
patriotism, heroism, and infamy by majority standards. And also by the
United States standards.
I dont know if Ill ever be one of the great writers or artists of the next
generation. Im not expecting that. Right now Im just a struggling one. I
honestly have no idea what this will lead to, or if Ill be able to make a living
at it. Im just keeping at it and hoping for the best. Hoping that I wont be
stricken by poverty when Im an adult and in my 30s. I guess I can work as a
cashier if I have to, but I dont want to do that for the rest of my life, so I
have to pursue my creative fields and eventually attempt to make those
comic book pages and write that book. Ill just have to see how it goes from
there. I am however beginning to think that all this writing Im doing is not
healthy for a person my age. It may be an obsession thats taking away from
my ability to live a normal life. I know professional writers write this much,
but right now Im an artist, and Im writing without a purpose. Im writing

P a g e | 905

just to write and this may not be healthy. I feel sick. Im going to stop
writing now.

P a g e | 906

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 54

P a g e | 907

December 2001

Today was a good one. Ive been drawing a lot today and am preparing to
get back to the drawing table. As for what I did today, I slept in, surfed the
internet, drew for most of today, and watched a rerun of Jackie Chan
Adventures. Id like to do some reading, but drawing a lot is my number one
priority for the next couple of weeks, so I can finish up my portfolio in
maybe two or three weeks from now, which should not be too hard. But for
starters, Im going to draw a lot during the rest of tonight. The only way to
do it and get it done is to just make myself do it. Art school is going to eat
me alive if I dont get down good practice habits now, and I realized that a
long time ago, but now its time to start doing it. Ive done six drawings so
far today, which is not bad, but I know I can do better, even if my parents
are usually happy with me if I only do two good ones. I dont know if my
creative work will ever be saved for posteritygoing into first, second,
third, fourth, and fifth printings, anniversary editions, and whatnotor if it
will end up being just as disposable as the vast majority of pop music that
gets played on the radio in heavy rotation, in a transient fashion. Popularity
is such an ephemeral thing. I dont believe anything stays more popular than
everything else forever. I think that might be the way the system works. The
glory of admiration eventually fades and descends, diminishes, and dissolves
into obscurity. I may never get a taste of the spotlight, but one way or the
other, Im still going to work my ass off and never give up until I see my
work ethic goals accomplished. Ive realized one thing though: The time I
spend doing nothing is time that needs to be spent working on drawing
anything and everything. I just need to draw my brains out. I need to draw
everything I see. Nothing is invincible from artistic interpretation and
representation. Thats how I can get as good as Christian Slade, and thats
the advice he gave me, was to just draw all the time. The only way you get
better at anything is by doing. You dont get better at actions by talking
about those actions. And if you fall flat on your face, you simply get back up
and dont get overwhelmed by the fact that you actually did fall flat on your
face, because it happens to the best of em. Even Norman Rockwell and
Claude Monet. If I make myself determined to learn and become proficient
at painting realistically, and if I dont accept failure as an option, I will

P a g e | 908

eventually learn to paint, even if it takes a lifetime. Ive already sort of

learned to draw with charcoal, although I could still use a lot of
improvement. If I ever doubt my ability to improve if I work really hard and
draw a lot, I simply need to do one thing. I need to take out my old drawings
Ive done in life drawing classes over the course of this last year, look at a
long pose charcoal drawing I did in the first lesson of the class which looks
horrendous, and then look at some of the other long poses that I did in some
of the later sessions of the class, and Ill feel like Ive come a long way over
a long period of time. I have too. I dont know how I made so much
progress, but I hope this progress continues. I have to get back to drawing
now. I want to do more writing, but I know I have to get back into the
drawing groove I had going earlier. Adios.

Got done drawing for today, and was drawing all day today. Now Im
getting tired. Ill try to write anyway.

Going to draw some today, like I did yesterday. Ive been on a role, so why
stop now? Doing a lot of drawing for one day is usual and nothing new for
me. But doing a lot of drawing for a couple days in a rowor dare I say an
entire week or twois unheard of. I might write an essay today. I do know
that Im definitely going to the comic book store today though, which is
something I havent done in a while.

Im thinking about my old classmates at the public high school I went to as a

freshman, and even now, at least three two or three years later, they still
make me mad. They were such jerks. I dont know if Ill ever get over that
period. It still haunts me. And Im sure when I move out of Florida, Florida
will still haunt me, even if Im living in Los Angeles or Manhattan working
as a writer or artist professionally. There were these two girls in my
computer lab class who always made fun of me, and I think their names
were Shannon and Mandy. They were evil people who are going to rot in
hell. Back when I was working at my day job at the supermarket, one day
when I was getting the shopping carts organized, they went into the store
one day, saw me, realized that I was working there and began pointing and
laughing at me. I was almost paralyzed with humiliation. A supermarket job
really is a pathetic job to have. When I was working there, my coworkers,

P a g e | 909

many of whom werent very much older than I was, had their little groups
and formed their little cliques, and I was excluded from pretty much all of
them. They pretty much acknowledged my presence, but never talked to me
unless they had to, or wanted me to do something. I think most of them
didnt like me very much. The thing is, they have their little cliques, and
they all talk to each other, but I think the really sad thing about this whole
situation is that for pretty much all of them, the people in those groups, their
families, and friends, will be their whole audience, and thats the most
popular or recognized theyll be in their entire lives. That will be their peak,
which is not very impressive. For most of them, their lives will pretty much
stop after they land their full time job as a social worker, teacher, store
manager or whatever. I feel very fortunate, because if Im able to get a job in
one of my fields of interest, and my work is distributed, I have a feeling that
will be just the beginning for me, and any person who my work affects will
be someone whos close to my heart.

Im looking at where my art style is headed, and Im not sure where it will
end up. I draw a lot of things differently; its tough to tell where its going.
Im looking at my past and present artistic influences, and it doesnt
completely resemble any of them, even though its shown hints of some of
them at times (these include Jhonen Vasquez, Evan Dorkin, Robert Crumb,
Hiroaki Samura, Chynna Clugston-Major, Norman Rockwell, Yoshitaka
Amano, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto, Yoshitoshi ABe, Will Eisner, John K. who
did Ren & Stimpy, Gustav Klimt, Jeff Smith, Jamie Hewlett, Jim Mahfood,
Edward Gorey, Tim Burton, Joe Maduriera, Paul Pope, Salvador Dali,
Michelangelo, Vincent Van Gogh, Doctor Suess, Chuck Jones, Bruce Timm,
Bill Watterson, Jim Davis, Glen Keane, Peter Chung, Genndy Tartakovsky,
Leonardo Da Vinci, Dean Cornwell, Edgar Degas, Frank Cho, Terry Moore,
Frank Miller, David Mack, and Glen Vilppu). Ive gotten to the point where
I can kind of do my own thing, and it doesnt look too influenced by any
other artist in particular. Now granted, Im not as skilled as Norman
Rockwell or any of the masters of western art, but at least I draw in a way
that does make me look like Im shamelessly copying another artist, which is
a trait Ive seen in other artists in the past. Im not sure what will happen
when I combine my writing style of storytelling with my artistic look.
Hopefully something good will come of the whole thing. Im hoping it will
end up being amazing. I saw a lot of improvement in my art yesterday
which was a single daysimply by drawing all day. One art trick Ive
learned is that a page of artwork looks better when its filled up with tonal

P a g e | 910

values of various sorts than it does if theres a lot of negative space left.
Thats probably why paintings look so good. Its because the whole page is
filled up with paint marks and color. Also, big drawings are more impressive
than small ones.
The situation I have is a weird one. I have all this ability or creative energy
and no direction to aim it at. Im interested in novel writing, character
designing, illustrating, directing, and executive producing, but I dont have
any solid ideas to build upon. All I have is a bunch of free-floating
springboards and this enormous personal journal of mine, which probably
wont be read by anyone other than me, but Im okay with this. Its all right.
If I were to die todayperhaps in my sleep or something of asphyxiation by
my pillow from sleeping on my stomachI wouldnt have anything
concrete to leave for the world and maybe posterity. All I have is my tons of
journals, my essays, and many hundreds of drawings. I dont think Ive yet
produced anything thats worthy of the worlds acknowledgement. Im not
Vincent Van Gogh or Anne Frank. I didnt create a vibrant and lively selfportrait (and) brilliant letters, or die in a holocaust camp due to the fact that I
was Jewish, which does not make any sense at all. Im just a normal person
who talks about his own self and compassion too much.

The more I think about drawing tonight, the more I want to get to it. So I
think henceforth I shall move onto drawing some time after seven oclock
tonight.

Moms been dropping things shes picked up around the house onto the floor
all day today. It could just be that shes being clumsy today, but I fear that it
might be her old age setting in. She is in her early fifties now. I dont have
very long until shes in her sixties, and I dread the thought of losing her.
Once I lose my family, it will just be me, God, the hope for liberation, and a
cold, harsh and dark world, and I dont necessarily say that because of
September 11th. I dread that forthcoming period of my life, which might
seem very lonely.

Got three drawings done tonight. Id do more but its getting late.

P a g e | 911

Two good authors Ive read recentlyspecifically, ones who tell stories
very wellare Frank McCourt and Dave Eggers. Nick Hornby is better than
average, but I wouldnt consider him one of my favorites. Of course I love
Stephen Kings work. Id like to get around to reading more fictional novels,
but my reading timefor the momentseems consumed by philosophy
books, physics books, and a small amount of novels. Im not reading any
philosophy currently, but I was. Im currently also reading Christopher
Buckley and Ernest Hemingway, but I have to get more into their books
before I can tell whether I like it or not. Im planning on doing some reading
today. I might draw some also. Ill just have to see how today goes.

I have to think, how can I transform today into a Zen day? Come to think of
it, how can I transform everyday into a Zen day? I would assume that one
would start by living each day mindfully and experiencing it with the utmost
mindfulness and unattached consciousness. We should view each thing we
come across without correlation to our emotions and analyze the situation
with common sense. This way we can therefore transcend muddy
perception. I think this is how we can find a closer connection with God. By
living in the moment with full clarity, which henceforth makes every
moment seem like a miracle, because it is not a moment of suffering. Our
consciousness does have a definitive form. Its an intangible form, but a
form nonetheless. However, all that is: is comprised of a formless emptiness
that makes up both being and nothingness. Some call it the Tao. Some call it
God. Some even call it Jesus Christ or Allah. Some call it Nirvana. Some
may call it something else entirely, such as something as basic as a higher
sense of purpose, which is not necessarily related to God or anything
religious. Its whatever works for you. If one is to realize whatever this thing
is, they will have a better chance of being at one with the formless
emptiness, which comprises all that exists as it is. Formless emptiness is
beyond common thoughts and emotions that muddy our perception of
authentic being. This is part of the way to reach oneness with all things and
liberation from attachment, aversion, and suffering. This may not make
sense to someone else, but it makes sense to me. Love and compassion play
an integral part in the totality of this concept, because they help us develop a
deeper connection with our common humanity. Why do I get the feeling
your typical working class personor perhaps even American, or maybe
even citizen of the worlddoesnt think these things usually. In a certain
sense, one could label or call me an atheist, because I dont believe in and

P a g e | 912

have an agnostic standpoint on the Christians version of an anthropocentric

God, which is what most atheists claim to know doesnt exist. But in another
sense, I do believe in something far bigger than myself, such as karma, the
Tao, formless emptiness, and the spirit, and in that sense I do believe in a
higher power. So in a way Im a skeptic and a spiritual practitioner all in
one, because I do believe in common human values like laughter,
compassion, simplicity, humility, frugality, altruism, silence, happiness,
kindness, and love, which are things that all religions of all sorts teach.

Some thing its better to be less famous than your work, but I think that if
you want your contributions and yourself to be perennial, than you need to
be able to let people know about your work and yourself, which is probably
why I wouldnt care too much if this journal got published, or if I wrote an
autobiographical piece or something. I dont care if I bare my soul for all to
see. It proves I have more balls than your average person, even if I do bare
my soul to the public indirectly: through mass distributed print or after Ive
died. Still, if youre a writer of fiction, of any sort, if your stories are going
to be any good, you are going to put some of yourself into your characters
and story on a certain level anyway. Im not however looking for admiration
or sympathy. Im just looking to express my opinions, stories, and ideas with
other people who might like to hear them.

In a way, were all kind of angry and self-absorbed and egotistical and
lonely. Its when were not any of these things but altruistic instead is when
we become perfect. We all want someone to listen and hear our story. Were
often aware of our self twenty-four seven. The real challenge is being aware
of the suffering of others twenty-four seven. I hate how I can come across as
a self-absorbed know-it-all asshole in this journal, but Im sure many other
peoples journals come across exactly the same way, so Im quite certain Im
not alone in that respect. I think most people are not alone as they think they
are. Im sure there are others out there somewhere who have the same
feelings and emotions that I have.

I dont think Im going to be writing much tomorrow. Done plenty of that

today. Im just going to draw and relax tomorrow.

P a g e | 913

It seems like everyone is so caught up in doing their own thing. I dont think
very many want to switch genre or go from genre to genre. It makes it seem
weird for me, because I feel like Im the only one doing what Im doing. It
makes me feel alone sometimes. There are a lot of people trying to break
into writing screenplays and novels, who want to do one or the other, but not
both. And usually they only know how to do one or the other. That saddens
me that people see it as so black and white. That people by the large are not
seeing the gray areas, not seeing the possibility for transcendence over
genres and pigeonholing. An old art teacher I had, Phil, taught me something
important. If you learn to draw well, it doesnt matter what area pursue. If
you have that radical talent, that tenacity, and always give it one hundred
and ten percent, you have a much better chance of becoming a success. I feel
like a fucking one-man army. Ive filled up three and a half fucking journal
pages in one day, which is enough to help me sleep easier at night to know
that I work hard and am productive, but I need to be productive in my art
tomorrow. Not my writing. I guess if one possesses the talent, according to
some people, the skys the limit. Im not expecting to ever make a million
dollars though. Very few make that much in a single lifetime. Im not
concerned about reaching the widest possible audience. Im concerned about
making a work of quality. If I need to say this a million times until I
remember it, I will. Since I dont have my job right now, I seem to be doing
twice as much creative work as I was. This may cost me my sanity one day,
but I doubt that will happen. Not as long as I have peace of mind and that
duality.

Yesterday, I said I wasnt going to write today. Ive made a decision. Its
okay to write today, as long as I do it in moderation. Thats basically my
decision. Its okay to write, but only if I do a little bit of it and a lot of
drawing before I do it again for a long time. Good thing its only a little bit
before 11:00 a.m., and not closer to 1 oclock or noon, otherwise it would be
tough shit for my writing practice.

One point I should always try to bring home is the fact that Im nothing
without the people I emulate and admire. My whole family is an inspiration
for me, and so are certain relatives that I know better than others. The ones I
know, I most likely admire. My parents have always known me the best,
have taught me many things, can see me realistically, and keep me humble

P a g e | 914

and on track. Theyve taught me one very wise and valuable thing that sticks
out in my mind: Its that the people you need to admire are the people who
always give 110%, and it doesnt matter whether its an internationally
acclaimed artist, a best-selling author, a Nobel Prize winning physicist or
peace activist, a high school teacher, a therapist, a supermarket cashier, a
chef, a mailman, a firefighter, a police officer, a judge, a career councilor, a
construction worker, or even someone who mops the goddamn floors of an
office building. Anyone who cares for the world in a profound way
whether its through their actions or through their thoughtsand gives it
their all deserves to be admired. Admiration should be beyond one singular
person.

Another wonderful person was my now-deceased grandfather which one

could also call my adoptive mothers father, Papa as we all called him. He
was alive near the beginning of last century, and lived through some
extremely tough financial times, yet still found time for a wife and raising a
family. This happened even though they often had very little to eat. During
his later years, he stayed with the four of us, my direct family. He was very
compassionate and humble. He went to all of my brother and my little
league baseball games, spent a lot of time with us, and never interfered with
our daily goings on in our house, but still interacted with us quite a bit. He
didnt try to dictate the way Mom or Dad decided to raise Andrew or I. This
was because he respected my mother and father as parents and as people. I
dont think he needed to interfere with mom and dads parenting methods
anyway. They were good parents to begin with.

When Papa was alive, I was young and didnt get to know him as well as I
would like to know him if he were alive now. I did fly up to Illinois with my
family to attend his funeral though. It was an open casket funeral. When I
looked in the coffin and saw him for the last time, he looked so dry and
lifeless in the coffin. He somehow seemed loose though. Quiet and at peace,
but no longer breathing air. His eyes were closed. That was the first time I
saw a dead person in real life. He was not cremated, but was buried off in a
snowy cemetery field in Illinois, about twenty or forty minute drive away
from the place where we had his funeral. I remember it being humid and
snowy the entire time we were up there for the ceremony. That was my first
funeral. My second and only other funeral that Ive attended thus far was for
my x-friend, Mikey (or Michael) Donahues father, who died a couple years

P a g e | 915

ago. Unlike Papa Earl, he was cremated rather than buried, and Mikeys
fathers funeral was not an open casket one.
As far as heritage goes, I come from a working class family. No one in my
family has had a creative job except me, but only if you count the art
commissions Ive received. This was while I was working as a courtesy
clerk in a supermarket, which was a job that didnt pay a whole lot. The
commissions didnt pay much either, but one of them did give a piece of
artwork I did international distribution through the book. If you dont count
those, so far no one in my familyincluding myselfhas had a creative job
on a large scale. My uncle Dick was a journalist and worked in advertising at
one point, but thats about it. Ive pursued art and writing despite some
rejection and difficulties in the past, am still working at it, and will be
working at it for the rest of my life. I have pretty much no connections to the
industry, but I have ability or talent and skill if you want to call it any of
those things, and I have faith that that factoras well as an overabundance
of tenacity for my work, which Im trying to develop in my artwill see me
through in the end. I dont know where Ill end up. It might be somewhere
big. It might be somewhere small. I dont know, and thats perfectly okay. I
dont even know what field I want to go into and pursue the most. I guess
Ill do the next best thing. Ill just practice trying to become an all-around
serviceable writer and artist, which is a challenge in itself.

A valuable thing for me to do is take things which I learn from each medium
I adjust to and apply them to whichever other mediums Ill pursue. For
example, I should take the sense of composition, design, and style that Id
learn from illustration and apply it to my possible work in animation by
applying composition, design, and style to character designing and scene
layouts for an animated television show, if I were to work on one or create
one.

I have to start drawing soon. The only other thing I really want to do today
besides drawing is reading some of my books. Probably either some of The
Elegant Universe and Ernest Hemingways book, True at First Light.

P a g e | 916

Was reading some online interviews about writing. The interviews I read
made some fairly decent points. In a way I was doing research. Its
important to do research on whatever topic you write about if you want your
writing to be accurate. Its also important if you want your writing to be
published and accessible. Its invaluable.

Also, Predictability is the antagonist of good plotting. That and not drawing
the reader in. If you do the former or the latteror boththan you probably
wont make a decent writer. Honestly, when Im keeping a journal, I do
write with that non-specific anonymous reader in mind, so yes, in a way I do
create all my writing with a reader in mind. I couldnt say that its any
specific person, but it is someone. What I mean is that its more like me in
the form of another person, only a little bit different. This person (me) is into
the kind of styles and writing voices Im into, because I know theres
someone like this out there. This person hasnt heard of them but might love
them once they discover them. That is how I was turned onto the work of
Jhonen Vasquez, Dave Eggers, and Ken Wilber. I discovered their work
myself by browsing book and comic book store aisles. Thats how I find out
if I think Ill like a book. I flip through its pages, read bits and pieces of the
words printed in it, and see if I get enjoyment out of that small amount of
words, seeing if it captivates and/or inspires me. If Im impressed by the
skill level or appeal, Ill usually buy that particular book or comic book.
Also, the Internet is good for discovering new creative talent. I think it was a
couple of files into this computerized journal when I discovered that my
words sort of flowed and the pace of my writingin my opinionglides
comfortably down the page. When I read back some of the more poignant
parts of my writing, if there truly are any, it makes all the effort and labor I
spend at this word processor worth it. It could say the same thing about
when I see a really cool looking drawing I did at this time or that time.
Speaking of drawing, I think its pretty much about time to begin drawing
and working on my portfolio. I only have a month or so to finish it.

Later on, when I go back and review a lot of files in this journal, Im going
to need to do some serious editing. I have way too many run-on sentences
and enormous paragraphs.

P a g e | 917

We all have to face our own mortality eventually. Every single one of us. Its
New Years Eve today, or should I say tonight? After midnight it will be
2002, and thats in less than five hours. Ill try to say something significant
to close off this year.

Ive been contemplating the concept of emotions. And I had to ask a whatif question. If we didnt have the negative emotions, such as anger, hatred,
fear, anxiety, sadness, tiredness, and paranoia, and didnt have them from
the start of our lives to the end of our lives, would we really be lacking
anything. Computers and machines dont have emotions, and they can
perform some actions more proficiently than humans can. But heres the
deal: It took the emotive humans with thinking brains to create the machines
in the first place. It was human knowledge, emotions and all, that created
efficientbut emotionlessmachines. Its just something to think about.

Also, is it possible to completely fathom the entire concept of formlessness,

or is it simply a fathomless phenomenon?

Its 11:24 p.m. right now. About a half and hour away from getting out of
2001a year, like any, that changed the worldand into 2002, which
should be just as interesting as the year 01. The four most important known
about deaths of 2002 have been those of Jack Lemmon, Joey Ramone, and
George Harrison.

Like any intellectual creative and spiritual person, I cant tell if my ideas,
stories, artwork, and theories will have any impact or influence whatsoever
on the intellectual, artistic, scientific, psychotherapy, spiritual, philosophical,
or literary communities. Id be lucky if they had influence on even one of
these communities, if I had any influence at all.

So what is my New Years resolution? Friends are over at our house now,
and we were talking about New Years Eve resolutions. I could have gone
with what would be normal resolutions like lose weight or finish my
portfolio for college, but I thought of something more original: I jokingly

P a g e | 918

said that my resolution for 2002 will be to remain jobless for as long as I can
until I have to support myself, for most of the year until Ive been in art
school for a while. I seriously disliked my job at the supermarket, and I
dont think Ill ever willingly return to a job that unsettling, stressful, and
prosaic ever again. Ill be dedicating myself to the art and the writing for
what will probably end up being full time, and seriously pursue these areas
of ability that I have until I can make a living at them, even if its a small
one for a while. Besides, Im going to finish the portfolio and do my best to
lose weight anyway. Im not really afraid of dieing too much, but I dont
want to die. I will do my best to keep alive, and I have a strong feeling
getting back to being healthy or not overweight will be one of the best ways
to do that. That, keeping a peaceful mind, reducing stress, getting enough
sleep, meditating, and taking the proper medication that I need to stay
balanced. Im not sure, but I have a feeling that Id like to live past sixty
years of age.

January 2002

The journal I write today is the first journal of mine for the year 2002. Its
tough to believe 2001 went by so quickly and in such a blur. Most
Americans are optimistic about the forthcoming year. I am too. I kind of
wonder what new movies, television shows, comic books, albums, and
books will come out in the New Year. I also wonder if any of them will be
any good. I hope so. Actually, I hope most of them will be bad, because
when Im away for college for the next three or four years, that way if the
new stuff goes under my nose, if its all very bad, I wont be missing out on
much.

It wont be very long until I go straight into drawing. But Im not going to
put too much pressure on myself.

Theres something weird about the entertainment industry. It is an industry

and there is a lot of competition to get into it and conquer it. I think the
really weird thing about it is that it seems that nearly every popular industry
charts its top money makers and sellers. Nearly everyone knows whos

P a g e | 919

topping the box office or Billboard music charts. Now that I think about it,
Im not worried about appealing to the largest possible audience, because no
one can do that forever. I think Ill prefer the quiet, solitary, and
contemplative life to the life of a competitive, rich, and revered life of a
public figure. Some artist get so caught up in trying to make money and
toping the charts that its as if the corporate machine robs some people of
their souls. As Ive learned from my website, almost nothing in
entertainment becomes successful without mondo promotion and marketing
of some sort. Sure there are rare exceptions like Radioheads Kid A and
Amnesiac albums, the band Phish, and The Blair Witch Project, but those are
exceptions. Theyre not the standard.

Im not sure what positive things atheism has given the world. I dont
completely shun atheism though, because it is a theory and a belief, and I am
not opposed to a persons personal beliefs, as long as it does not maliciously
antagonize the rest of the world, which basically does nothing more than
feed the monster that is ego. However, what has atheism brought the world,
other than skepticism? Its brought us Joseph Stalin, the Chinese communist
government, the Columbine killers Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, Howard
Stern whos the poster boy for porn stars, lesbians, and hatred, Adam
Carrola who basically does the same things as Howard Stern. I have to admit
that it has had some people who have been known to be enormous
intellectuals such as Mahatma Gandhi (who was an atheist at one point),
Mark Twain, Stephen Hawking, possibly Albert Einstein, and Richard P.
Feynman. Many atheists however are basically nihilists who claim to be
rationalists and humanists. As an agnostic, I view atheism as a bit more
close-minded and black-and-white than agnosticism. Religious fanatics and
fundamentalists are just as bad as extreme anti-clerics, because theyre also
practicing aversion. I think its important to see that there can be positive
aspects to almost any religion and brand of spirituality, and I think one
should acknowledge the positive aspects of various beliefs and theories of
different sorts, so that one may develop their own unique views and theories
that suit their life the best. Religion is not completely evil. It has helped
many people in times of despair and ambiguity. Its not religious people or
non-religious people who are the enemy. It doesnt matter if one is religious
or not. Hatred, close-mindedness, and ego are the real enemies of both the
religious and the non-religious.

P a g e | 920

Celebrity watching has definitely been a national pastime lately.

If youre a leader of the modern western world, or more specifically the
modern American world, you rule the whole world, because freedom is
everything, and if you rule a free country, you rule the world.

There are some subjects that I have a large interest in. Mythology, legends
(both urban and classic), historic fiction, science fiction, fantasy, and the
paranormal. I would like to tell lots of stories that combine all these in
various ways.

I was visiting the eonline.com website, and I saw the celebrity sightings
section. That was quite scary. All these obsessive celebrity watchers. I hope
no one obsessively watches me. Im not very good looking, and Im not very
interesting to watch. I could care less if any female fans or groupies call me
hottie or cutey. I dont know if that would happen. Im playing the
what-if game again, but if I ever do become a public figure, I think Ill grow
a lot of facial hair and keep my glasses. Maybe that would be my trademark.
Blue jeans or khaki pants, tee shirts, facial hair, curly skull hair, and glasses.

I just threw away pretty much all of my old short story, which was a tale of
revenge, Leaf Season, that I was writing at one point. I liked it when I was
writing it and I still feel it showed a solid comprehension of the more fucked
up and darker sect of Generations X and Y, but there would have been no
way in hell I could have published it successfully and still maintained my
sanity. I would have had to promote it. Ugh. In my opinion, the story and
characters were too cynical, depressing, and morbid. It would have done
nothing else than serve as a bleak reminder of my depressing past. I look
back on it now and I really hate it, so Im giving up on it. I kept my journal I
wrote in the psychiatric hospital, and am still preserving it so far. That was
my first professional attempt at a short story, but I know I can do a heck of a
lot better now, since Ive been doing a lot of writing and have thought up a
lot of new and better ideas since I last continued that story. The writing for
Leaf Season seems weak by my standards now anyway.

P a g e | 921

That room of mine looks a lot better and tidier now. I cleaned that fucker up
good. Spent just about all the evening doing it too. Other than that, I watched
television today. Mostly music videos, talk shows, and cartoons (one my
personal favorites, Jackie Chan Adventures: My family owns satellite TV
now, so I can watch the same episode three times in one day and all at
separate times if I want! This is because our satellite box receives channels
on both the east and west coasts, and places in between). I didnt really draw
or write much. Hey, even Im allowed to take a day off every once in a
while, though some could say that pretty much every day is a day off for me.

The family and I had Chinese food for dinner, and we enjoyed it. My mother
and brother are both coming down with either a virus or colds. Ill have to
keep an eye on them and see if they need my help.

I cant believe that I have to go back to school in roughly about three or four
days from now. I have to go back to school this coming Monday. Ugh. I
dislike Mondays, quite a bit, especially Mondays that kill off vacations. The
good thing is that my portfolio will probably be done in a day or a couple
days. Im working on it again starting tomorrow, hopefully at an early time.

Starting to see the reality of primetime television, or at least somewhat.

Networks want the biggest possible ratings with their shows. They also
always assign a team to work on television shows rather than a single person
or just a few people, shows also need to be syndicated before they can be
seen by a national viewing audience. For the creators and staff members of
the show to make a lot of money, the show needs to draw big ratings, which
makes the sponsors very happy through advertisements during commercials
if a show does well, because it draw patronage to the sponsor. I saw an
article on awn.com (Animation World Network) that claimed Futurama and
Family guy were not fairing too well, but I think that opinion is very
subjective. Compared to pop-literature, theyre doing very well. The thing
that bothers me is that I think the standard used to measure the success of a
television show can actually be quite unfair. Futurama drew about a 4.1
share in the Nielson ratings, and in the Nielson ratings, each singular share
equals around 1,022,000 or so households, so when you consider that, there
are about 4 million, twenty-two thousand household television sets tuning

P a g e | 922

into each episode of Futurama, which is not bad. Its very damn good
actually, and thats a lot of people watching one show. A best-selling book,
on average, only sells a couple hundred thousand copies, even after its been
around a while. Some, on a good whim, sell around 2 million copies if they
do extremely well, but thats only if theyre the most successful out of all the
other books competing against them on the market, like on the Stephen King
or John Grisham level, although most of their books probably sell a lot more
than 2 million each. So when you compare that show or any television show
by those standards, even low rated primetime shows have a much, much
larger audience than nearly any best-selling book nowadays, which is pretty
amazing. Books and comic books get popular by mostly by word of mouth,
advertisements in print magazines and newspapers, receiving mentions in
media like television or radio, and the Internet. When you consider these
methods of promotion for literatureas compared to the methods of
promotion used for television shows and moviesliterary book sales
numbers are pretty staggering as well. For knowing this business factoid,
this seems to be an indicator to me that one day I might make a halfway
decent executive producer of an animated television show or live action
mainstream film, if I dont find a decent career in comic books, novel
writing, or illustration first. Im also still learning and getting better at
HTML coding and web design.

This is no lie. Weve gotten a lot of our substance from the things our
founding forefathers have discovered, mastered, and taught us, like Plato, da
Vinci, Freud, Einstein, and the Buddha.

Beginning to feel depressed, but its past 10 oclock and Im sure its
because Im getting tired and the medication is wearing off, so I need to find
ways to counteract these feelings. I think I should do a Buddhist thing right
now, and no its not get off of the computer. Its taking a rest so I can
breath, relax, and smile. Life is not so bad. I have no legitimate reason to
hate life or want to die. I dont want to die and I dont hate life, but I do feel
depressedJust finished getting up and going to the bathroom, which gave
me the opportunity to get away from the computer. Im feeling slightly
better. Theres times when doing a lot of my work makes me feel tired and
depressed. These are times when I should definitely get away from whatever
Im doing and either meditate, walk around the house, or get out and go
somewhere in the car like to Borders or Burger King. When I feel like Im

P a g e | 923

being too much of a hermit and am avoiding going outside out of fear, that
tends to make me depressed and/or angry, and I end up feeling horrible.

I did work on the portfolio piece today, and its looking quite good so far.

The 2002 Grammy awards nominees were announced yesterday. A lot of the
new bands and songs I like got nominated. Gorillaz, System of a Down,
Linkin Park, Tool, R.E.M., and Radiohead all got at least one nomination
each of some sort, whether it was for an album or a song. So that might be
vindication that will prove to posterity they are geniuses, and in my opinion
these bands all are. Im not an atheist or gothic person, but even I realize that
that song Tool has on the radio right now is a fine piece of creative and
melodic buildup. Its musical genius. The one with the lyrics that go I know
the pieces fit. Linkin Parks breakout album: Hybrid Theory, is beautiful
too.

Id like to deconstruct the house of my ego and not view anyone as below
me, and I still manage to do that on the intrinsic level, but I think there might
only be one me. I used to always say anyone could do what I do, but now
Im having second thoughts on that bold declaration. Not everyone writes
transpersonal and ontological essays, and even if a lot of people do, the case
is probably that not many can do it that well and make reading it seem fun. I
can make physics, the study of consciousness and ontology, and spirituality
seem fun. When I read the things I write, I enjoy reading a lot of my own
writing, which I only get to do on the occasion that Im not writing, and that
doesnt happen very often, because I seem to always be doing a lot of
writing and drawing. I want to get to that Chuck Jones, Yoshitaka Amano,
Tim Burton, Ken Wilber, an Will Eisner level, so Im working at my crafts
nonstop, even if at time working so much can make me depressed and sad,
because sometimes I feel like Im wasting my life. Writing and drawing is
like pretty much any other job. It can be pure heaven at times. And at other
times it can seem like quite the torturous hell. I try not to doubt myself too
much. This is because at the end of the month, I look at how much work Ive
gotten done. When I see how much new work Ive created, if Ive had a
productive week or month and have a large output, it makes me smile and I
end up happy.

P a g e | 924

Dad and I went out to take photographs of my portfolio pieces in an attempt

to finalize my portfolio. I should be finishing up my last piece today. We
took a total of nine portfolio artwork photographs. Not bad for a single
attempt. So basically Im pretty much done working on the portfolio, and
have once piece to go until I can rest easy because the whole of my portfolio
will be in the mail and shipped off to the office of admission at the Ringling
School of Art and Design. And of course Ill be sitting around at home
awaiting their reaction and answer as to whether or not I can get into this
prestigious school. If I go to art school at all and work my ass off, Im sure
Ill have a decent future. If you work hard and work a lot, you can go pretty
much anywhere. Its not the word processing program, pencils, pens, or
paper you use to do your work. Those things wont make you the better artist
or writer. Pretty much any old supplies can make you the better writer or
artist, if you work hard and just do it all the time, even if its against the
protest of your subconscious laziness and stubbornness, which was basically
the case for me. Its not easy to work very hard at any craft, and thats no lie.
My artwork will improve even if Im using a fucking boring old #2 wooden
pencil, which is the kind lots of kids use for writing in school, and I am
known to use that kind on occasion, especially for rendering tonal values. I
used to suck at drawing and writing just as much as the next person, but now
Im doing these things, thinking about them, writing about them, and talking
about them nearly every day because A) I love and enjoy doing them, and
getting to see what I come up with next, B) It seems to transcend normal
observation and consciousness by offering something that seems to be a
universal view because its not as biased as my own opinions, and C) Its a
lot of fun. Plus, some of my own work satiates and entertains me very much,
but that work is rare. I have to work at it so that Im not appalled by 96% of
my creative work because its so goddamn bad. I doubt my best work is
actually brilliance or geniusbecause my more cool looking work seems
too emulative of my influences when I first start out with a certain look or
style, but I do know that I find my best work very enjoyable, which is
why I make so damn much creative work.

I worked on the last portfolio piece some more, and fortunately for me, its
more than halfway finished. Ill either have it finished by tonight or
tomorrow afternoon.

P a g e | 925

There is a lot of September 11th patriotic and mostly Christian tribute songs
by popular musicians out on the market now, and the only halfway decent or
even creative ones Ive heard have been the songs by Paul McCartney and
Outkast. I hear a whole bunch of uncreative crappy little patriotic songs on
Mix 105.1, but that station sucks anyway. Patriotism and the American flag
seem to be in fashion so much so that they actually seem clich now. How
many times can you say God bless the USA and make reference to bin
Laden. These clichs are actually starting to get on my nerves. I appreciate
freedom just as much as the next guy, but I probably also dont truly
appreciate it just as much as the next guy. If everyone appreciated their
freedom, they would treat everyone with compassion and treat everyone they
come across as if it were their last time they ever saw the person, and they
did this every time they saw the person, because life is impermanent and the
time we see someone today very well could be the last time we se that
person. We try to shrug that possibility off, but its a very big possibility. No
one in this world is immortal and lives forever.

Im sure that if this journal ever got out to the general public, Im sure some
would blatantly criticize me for consciously ripping off this writer or that
writer, which simply is not true. I think that if people read my writing now,
they should keep in mind that I am writing this journal at the age of 18,
which technically is not an adult yet, and Im still in my incipient stages as a
writer and Im still developing my own unique theories, philosophy, and
style. If my early voice shows hints of the voices of others, thats perfectly
okay. If you become established in the contemporary entertainment world,
your work will almost always be measured against the work of someone else
whos currently older and more established. Im no more influenced by Ken
Wilber than I am by Dave Eggers, Nick Hornby, Stephen King, Jhonen
Vasquez, M. Night Shyamalan, Brian Michael Bendis, Alan Moore, T.S.
Elliot, or Jean Paul-Sartre. Actually, my influence is an unintentional
amalgam of all these things, except Im throwing my own thing in as well.
Maybe I do have styles in writing and art already, because they dont seem
too much like the works of anyone else. Im not exactly certain how one
would go about measuring how distinctive and original an individuals
creative style is. I was looking at Chuck Jones official website, and got to
see some of his fine art life drawings. They were so amazing, and definitely
in his style. Now theres a guy who has a style. His realistic work kind of
reminded me of Gustav Klimt, because some of it showed some hints of that
imaginative design composition sense, like how a womans arm curled

P a g e | 926

around her childs head and seemed to surround it with unmistakable form.
There are two things you cant mistake: You cant mistake form, and you
cant mistake the formless. That might make a good essay topic. Im not sure
if Ill ever publish any of my essays in my lifetime. I might try to publish
one or a few, but I may never publish all of them.

Also sitting here in awe at the whole Harry Potter phenomenon, being
amazed at how popular the series (book and film) and characters thereinall
created by that imaginative Brit, J.K. Rowlinghave become. Its audience
number is in the hundreds of millions now. A while ago in this journal, I
talked about how Id like to adapted the Harry Potter novels into an
animated project, but now I say no way to that possibility. I say this because
sure Id like to do it, but so would about 6,000 other artists who love the
character just as much as I do (and a lot of them draw him in the anime style,
which is ridiculous!). This is why I have to create my own characters and
styles, so that I dont have to copy other artists and writers. Ill let other
people copy my work, rather than vice versa, which I think is a noble goal
for any artist or writer. I may already be on my way to doing that. If other
people started copying me, Id have to make my work have more substance
and innovation, because I dont want people either getting too attached to
my own philosophy and way of seeing the world, or to have them sue me
because they think Im copying them. The reason I dont want people
emulating my views, philosophy, and vision too much is because Id rather
have people develop and/or make money off of their own ideas and views.
Plenty of artists can get okay work just by plagiarizing the work of someone
whos better at the craft than they are.

I finished my last portfolio piece earlier tonight at exactly 9:30 p.m. The
drawing process of my art portfolio is officially done! I suppose this means I
can focus more time on watching movies, writing, and drawing whatever the
hell I please. The only problem is that I have to go back to school in a couple
days.

After all this practice with my crafts, Im still not sure if Ill be able to make
a living at this stuff. Im still trying to figure out what Im going to do with
my life. Even if I decide I want to do the animation or illustration thing full

P a g e | 927

time, I dont know who Im going to end up working for. I guess this is
okay. Jhonen Vasquez didnt know that he wanted to get into comics until he
saw a late night television news report or something like thaton an indie
comics publisher that was located right around where he lived, called Slave
Labor Graphics Publishingand he is now either the first or second best
selling creator who works for that publisher, mostly due to the fact that the
majority of the comics SLG publishes are not that good. Theyre semiliterate and disposable. JtHM, SQUEE!, and I Feel Sick are all
extraordinarily innovative, creative, original, weird, and entertaining.
Theyre not just rare gems among the individual publishing house. Theyre
rare gems amongst the entire comic book industry. Some of the only other
stuff in comics Ill read is some of the Japanese manga titles.

I read some short stories that got published on the Internet by what I hope
are not people who want to write fictional books one day. The stories
sucked. They were predictable and badly written. Im pretty certain I have a
better voice than any of the people I saw on that website, but my voice is not
anywhere near the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize winner level. I dont know if Ill
ever actually be at that level. Id rather let other people judge that. I just
want to tell stories. I dont want to analyze the level of my work too much or
congratulate myself. Just let me tell stories and contemplate on the being and
essence of life and spirituality, and analyze existence.

It took me about nine days to fill up this journal file, which clocks in at a bit
over 21 pages.

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MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 55

P a g e | 929

January 2002

Today is my last day of vacation, and I might as well enjoy it. Ill probably
write some, but I really want to watch a movie with Dad and read some,
because this will be the last day-in-a-row Ill have all day to do it for a while
if you dont count weekends.

I cant forget how much I loved those two average sized books, A
Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and Awakening the Buddha
Within. Theyre two of the best books Ive ever read. Id hope to one-day
craft a book thats as enjoyable and entertaining as either of those books one
day. If Im lucky and it really does end up being entertaining, it might
become a national bestseller also. Those two books are. Im not going to be
presumptive though. I dont know for 100% certain that Ill ever in my life
write anything thats even remotely close to the level of being a national
best-selling book. It takes a lot of talent and even more hard work to create a
successful book.

I think Im still trying to decide whether or not Im a post-modernist who

believes in post-modernism or not. I dont even know if Im an existentialist.
Im a part-time ontologist though. I do know that I have my doubts about the
credibility of post-modernism. Post-modernists make the bold personal
declaration that they believe there is no ultimate or universal truth,
regardless of whichever form some believe it takes. I think that concept in a
way is a fallacy; because even if you believe there is no universal truth, you
believe the universal truth is that there is not universal truth, which is
something I would therefore categorize as a surface fallacy. The surface of
the theory contradicts itself. So I think in a way, certain parts of postmodernism could be illogical bullshit, but not necessarily all of it. Im
interested in quantum mechanics, string theory, Einsteins theory of
relativity (which all fall under physics), psychotherapy, psychology which

P a g e | 930

Sigmund Freud started, post-modernism, Zen Buddhism, Darwins theory of

evolution and natural selection, transpersonal study or metaphysics, ecology,
phenomenology, existentialism, the Renaissance, impressionism, ontology,
Gaia, meditation, sociology, objectivity, and subjectivity. These are my
more analytical subjects of interest though. Im sure Ill eventually get
around to writing lengthy essay on nearly all my areas of interest, or at least
Ill try to. I have my whole life to do so.

So what do I believe in? Thats a tough question. If the question is singular, I

dont believe in anything. If the question is plural [Pluralism], I absolutely
believe in many things. Ill explain. I believe in a lot of things, but I am not
able to choose one thing that I believe in as more universal than and above
all other things, even God, which is actuallylike many other thingsis
relative, because God can be whatever one believes him/her/them/it to be.
Im not the only one who believes this. There are many others who may or
may not have said the very same thing as this. Maybe God is even correlated
with anthropocentric solipsism, basically stating that some people believe
their personal rendition of God is the final, universal, and ultimate God.

There were a couple questions Id like to have asked Gandhi when he was
alive if I ever got the chance to meet him. One question that comes to mind
is What is your opinion on Satanism, if Satanism existed back then at all.
Gandhis own personal and spiritual mission was to meet God face to face,
which I think, basically, means he was trying to achieve his own
transpersonal connection. His own philosophy and religious affiliation was
no religion, but he was not an atheist, because he believed all religions were
right and true, including belief in savior through Christ or God and belief in
the possibility of attaining enlightenment like the Buddha. Many Christians
across the world, even to this day, admire Mahatma Gandhis intellectual
and spiritual boldness. Many Christians antagonize the sub-religion known
as Satanism, and since Gandhia revered and world-renowned spiritual
genius and political visionarybelieved all religions to have some truth to
them, I wonder if he believes such a thing about Satanism as well, or did he
simply believe the ideology behind it had some logic and truth behind it, but
not an ultimate truth that was greater than all other religions. I personally
think he believed that all religions had at least some truth, ethics, and reason
to them, but none deserved more authority over all the various other ones.
That, in and of itself, is a very post-modernist theological philosophy, and in

P a g e | 931

a way I kind of believe that, even though I do try to live as a humble student
of Zen Buddhism would, so Id call myself a practicing Buddhist, because I
dont believe in Jesus but I do believe in Nirvana and spiritual
transcendence, and practice meditation as often as I feel like doing.
Some questions dont have answers that anyone knows yet or ever will
know. Ive thought of some of those questions. Some questions dont have
any easy answers. I do know however that its important to ask questions,
even if we have no idea how or why to answer some of them.

I think Ill go read. Ill probably be back soon, writing again though. One
thing Ive learned is that if you want to be the next Nietzsche, Sartre, or
Kant, you cant be anything like those philosophers. You cant analyze the
same subjects they analyzed in the same way, and have the same theories,
because if you take that route, you will always be overcast by their
intellectual shadow of influence, and it will be embarrassingly obvious to
everyone who knows of your influences, and those people for the most part
will not refrain from trying to point it out to try to make you look bad, or to
try to refute you, thus attempting to selfishly boost their own ego by trying
to make their own selves seem smarter than you, when in fact they are
probably not as original and successful as you, and are probably bitter
because they know they will never be as popular or accepted as you are.

This is weird. I have a creepy personal story to tell. Maybe it proves Im a

psychic who has ESP, but I jest here. The story is no joke though. Here it
goes: About an hour ago, I started reading one of my older journal files:
Journal file #35. I wrote the journal on July 23rd. I was talking about how I
had a strong feeling Tim Burtons remake of Planet of the Apes would do
really well in theatres after it was released, and that it could gross at least
$180 million in the US box office alone. I saw the movie in theatre with my
brother when it came out, and thought half the movie was pretty weak. I was
disappointed by the story. Just recently checked how much it made in the US
box office alone, and it made over $179,770,000currently ranked #55 on
the list of the 100 top grossing films of all time, and if you round that up

P a g e | 932

to the nearest decamillion or add less than half a million dollars, you will get
exactly $180 million. I practically predicted the exact amount! Thats
fucking spooky. I dont know what that means. Dont know if it means I
have a good mind for finance or business, or if it means I can predict the
commercial viability of a piece of entertainment. It may mean none of these
things. So if I predict Ill write an international best selling sensation, does
that mean I am destined by the gods to write an international best selling
sensation? I dont consider myself to be either a psychic or that presumptive.
Was just watching a DVD of an old film with Dad that he owns. Its called
Its A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, and Dad really loves that movie. Have
always loved watching movies with Dad

Have just realized something. This journal occupies an awful lot of my time.
Other than this, Ive got writing fiction, meditating, and drawing for hobbies.
The things I do for recreation are watch movies, read, watch television, and
surf the Internet. I somehow feel like Im missing something, like I could be
doing something more important with my time. I dont know what that thing
is. I wouldnt call it a wretched emptiness, but I would call it a lack of
something. I dont think its a personal God, because Ive clearly refuted the
theory of one. I think it may be a female companion, or maybe just someone
to talk to. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to. Thats not a negative
desire, is it? Maybe the thing I feel like Im missing is a female companion,
a job, or someone to talk to. This computer probably does not suffice for a
friend. Think Ill go to sleep pretty soon. Theres something important to
realize here. The person I write most about in this journal is myself. I write
way too much about myself, and not enough about other people. Thats
probably whats missing. This manifesto is turning into a manifesto of selfabsorption.

It feels good to be done with my portfolio. I feel relieved. I just sent Andy
Scott a lengthy email in response to his pre-emptive lengthy email. And I
also posted a long ass message on the onipress.com message board. I do a lot
of writing in this journal, usually in a short amount of time, so its not much
of a problem to write lengthy responses to email and forum posts quickly. I
dont know if fellow forum posters like my posts, because I usually dont get
responses from a lot of people. That could just mean that people want me to
shut up. I think in the near future Im going to talk at length about all the

P a g e | 933

members of my family. Im feeling humble, so therefore Id like to express

humility. Humility and compassion are an integral part of spiritual evolution.
I think I know the latter a bit better than the former.

Listening to Gorillaz right now. Also got back from my first day of school
after my Christmas vacation, which was good. The school day today went by
pretty quickly and easily, and I got a pretty decent sleep halfway through
class, and that nap felt wonderful. I like sleeping through class. If I were
more responsible Id say that I could have used that time to get real work
done, but Im not really that responsible or a good role model.

Something new has just unfolded recently. Just today, my familys next-door
neighbors (Judy) pet cat, E Cat died. Its sad. Everyone always talked about
how sick he looked, and Judy subjectively judged what state he was in. She
had been expecting this to happen eventually. Now it has happened. Awful. I
dont like it when any sentient being dies. No one should. Yet we all do
eventually. If we begin to live, we will die. I saw that cat over at Judys
house all the time, and it now feels like her house will be missing one of its
elements. Ill be sure to know what that element is thats not there anymore.

Sickoftalkingaboutself. Need to write fiction or more essays that

have third person narrative. Actually, I was thinking about writing a fictional
interpretation of one of my latest issues of Oh My Goddess!, writing a semifan, fiction, except Id be using different characters and the plot for that
comic book would be a springboard for a completely separate story. Havent
gotten around to doing that though.

Dave Thomas, the Wendys poster-boy/head honcho, died yesterday. This is

getting sadder than it was before. First E Cat and now Dave Thomas, the
Wendys guy. Its like I felt close to both of these creatures. A human and a
cat. Theyre both affected my life, and Ill miss them both, even though in a
way I was almost always at a distance from both of them. Now Id better
wonder who or whats going to die tomorrow. Why are things so sad lately?

P a g e | 934

This writing of mine is not and will not be considered powerful to the
general public. This writing I do has affected my life deeply and moved me
quite a few times, but just because its important to me doesnt mean that its
going to have any real meaning to anyone else. I dont expect anyone to care
about whats going on in my life. Why should I? The majority of people
dont care about the nobodies. They care about the somebodies. The
celebrities and stars.
Would like to talk about the brilliance of Kurt Cobain, Joey Ramone, and
George Harrison, but their brilliance has been talked about to death by other
people (no pun intended). Theyre not, and never were, just simple
songwriters, singers, guitarists, and performers anymore. They were beyond
brilliant, perhaps even at the level of genius. They have transcended normal
status, and have become gods and legends in the eyes of many, much like
John Lennon. Their deaths were tragic and swift, but they left the world
some beautiful, timeless, and profound gifts before it was their time to pass
on. Thankfully, we still have great living musicians like Eric Clapton, Elton
John, Carlos Santana, Seal, Billy Joel, Rob Thomas, Paul McCartney,
Michael Stipe, and BB King. Could go on and on about various brilliant
celebrities, thinkers, leaders, and entertainers, but unless I can think of
something to say thatas far as I knowhasnt been said a million times
before, I usually will try to think up topics, ideas, theories, and descriptions
to write about, rather than famous people, because everyone writes about
famous people, especially journalists. I want to write about something a little
bit different for the most part. I dont want to writeor drawlike everyone
else.

We actually have some good cereal around this house now once again. Good
food! I havent had good food at my disposal in this house for the longest
time. Ive been living off of fat free potato chips, the same kind of sandwich
ever time, and Ramen Noodles. Its not that we dont have enough money to
buy the food. Its just that my mom is big on healthiness and she wont buy
me very many kinds of junk food most of the time. I can buy snacks and fast
food every once in a while, but thats it. As far as being without new cereal
goes: not anymore. I have Raisin Bran now and its delicious. I feel like a
third world immigrant who has just come to America, where the movies are
good, the art is amazing, the freedom is invaluable, and the food and water
are plentiful (among many other great things)!! I saw that plastic container

P a g e | 935

of Raisin Bran, and I was so happy, I felt like I was going to cry, and Im
shaking now.

Theres one thing Ive also noticed. It seems like girls dont have any better
idea about whats inside the mind of guys than guys do about whats inside
the mind of girls.
When you set out to become a writer, youre usually not asked to do so by
anyone, and when you first start out, you dont know if anyones going to
listen to what you have to say or not. You learn that over time. Most people
pursue writing in any form because theyre creating work under the
assumption that at least a couple people will actually care what they have to
say. Pretty much every writer does that. They write and create with the
optimism and hope that someone will actually care about or value what they
have to say. Maybe we creative types are all looking for that certain type of
acknowledgement and acceptance for our efforts, and when we see our
efforts and labor that we love so much get recognized, it makes us so happy.
It would make anyone happy. Its one of the best feelings in the world. The
spiritual state beyond thought known, as Nirvana, and an orgasm are other
ones, even though according to wise men, the former is perennial and the
latter is transient.

Not shaking anymore, and feel much better now that Im not shaking.

Getting closer to having around $4,000 in the bank now. Not bad for college
and laptop money. So I guess I own a total of about somewhere around
$3,500 or $4,000, but nearly all of its in the bank. If I ever make more than
$30,000 or $80,000 at once, Im going to start investing in CDs (the
financial term), so that I can keep my money somewhere and not have to
worry about it. Money is really the last thing Im concerned about now
though. I dont know how much I could make off of a single novel, film
directing gig, or television script. This journal may be very useful in the
future. Maybe it will even be indirectly responsible for paying my bills and
providing me with enough money to pay for a car and an apartment or
house. This would be because it would provide inspiration and reference for
other, better writings. Im kind of itching to get into commercial illustration

P a g e | 936

or graphic design, which is a profession I could make some pretty decent

money in. Im sort of in a realistic career consideration phase, where I think
realistically about the best way to go about making a living. Science or law
wouldnt be practical professions for me to go into, even though Id like to
do some research on them, and if I have enough extra time, I probably will. I
dont really have much else thats better to do. All I really do anyways is sit
at a computer and drawing desk, watch cartoons, read, and eat. So I suppose
on a certain level Im already living my childhood dream. Doing research on
various subjects would be a good way to occupy my time. Id be better
researched, which would definitely benefit the writing.

Just got the film projector slides of my portfolio pieces back today. They
look amazing. They look wonderful all framed and shrunken down. It makes
them look crisper when theyre smaller. Kind of itching to see how they look
projected onto a screen or wall. This portfolio has turned out beautifully. It
makes my artwork look fancier than it really is. Its really cool.

Cant think of much else to write about, which is probably good, because I
do too much writing as it is. I suppose it could be healthyA lot of writers
talk about how they want to write, but dont actually write. I write, and often
feel like I cannot live without writing. I sometimes have trouble figuring out
how other writers want to write and talk about writing, but dont actually sit
down and do much writing overall. I dont understand why people dont just
do it, instead of talking about it. I guess I was and still am kind of the same
way about my drawing. I just dont do it as much as I used to. However, the
thing is that if Im not at my drawing, Im usually at my writing. Reading
mostly involves absorbing other peoples ideas and not coming up with your
own. For this reason, I dont read as much as I could.

Something has just come to me. All those slides that my portfolio pieces
have been photocopied and shrunken down to look like oversized
microchips. Theyre about two inches tall if you stand them up, and you can
see right through the middles. Theyre cool.

P a g e | 937

Feeling lost right now, and dont know exactly why. Feel like I dont have a
direction, even though I do. Feeling like my life isnt going anywhere, even
though I know it is. Its tough to sum up into words how I feel now, but
thats the best I can do. When I write in this journal, I dont hold anything
back. Thats how I write this much in the first place.

Came up with a nutshell of a story idea earlier. It could be about an air

traffic controller who works in an airport, but gets laid off because of the
effect of September 11th, so he has to go looking for new work to support his
family. This reminds me of the time my own dad got laid off from a place he
used to work, but managed to still find work afterward. This happened right
around the time my grandfather, Everett Papa Earl died. After Dad had
told the family a long time ago that he had gotten laid off from his job, some
fears started to creep into my mind at the time. I was afraid we might
become poor and end up on welfare. Dad assured me it wouldnt come to
that, but we would have to make some cutbacks on the financial side of
things in our life. I wasnt even worried about cutting back on spending and
borrowing money from Mom or Dad. We could do that easily. I was more
afraid that wed be out of a house and living on the street. That was a really
tough time for me, but how tough it really was seems to be just starting to
sink in right now. It didnt seem as serious to me at the time it happened as it
does now.

Interesting. In the past couple months, while Ive been writing, I havent
been thinking about publication, a million dollar royalty check, or the
Pulitzer Prize at all. Ive just been thinking about writing and drawing. This
is a good thing, because it means Im not thinking about the glory. Im just
thinking about the process. The process and getting to do new work are the
best things in the world to me.

Have been getting a lot of ideas lately. Was thinking about starting to write
Zen or Buddhist poems, which would coincide with my journey towards
Enlightenment.

P a g e | 938

When I look at these journal files and essays Ive written, I realize that Im a
guy who actually has something to say and statements to make. Im not
making a statement now though

Currently thinking about teachers. Two of the best drawing teachers of all
time are Betty Edwards (Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain) and Kimon
Nicolaides (The Natural Way to Draw). One of the best writing teachers of
all time is the now deceased William Strunk (The Elements of Style). I never
met any of them personally, partially due to the fact that theyre art and
writing gods, but Ive read their books and theyre phenomenal pieces of
instruction work. Theyve definitely all helped me improve in the areas Im
pursuing: writing and drawing. I guess one could call me prolific, because I
do produce a lot of creative work, and can do a lot in one week, if I work
harder than usual and if its a good workweek. On a very good workweek, I
can get pump out about 22 pages of writing or more orif Im taking a life
drawing class where I do gestures galore70 or so drawings, which is
usually close to a whole sketchbook. I dont think this is necessarily genius.
I think its just out of tenacity for work and working hard.

I wonder if Superman could come in a twenty-foot radius of a singing pop

star with kryptonite vocal chords. Would the kryptonite-induced sound
waves rupture Supermans physiological totality? I dont know. It was just
something that came into my mind from I dont know where. Maybe its
from some other dimension. Yes, thats it. Maybe creativity comes from the
creativity ferry or from the creativity dimension. Havent drawn in a few
days and am starting to want to get back into it. Im not always drawing with
a purpose in mind. Im often just drawing to get feelings and emotions
down. If Im feeling depressed, drawing is often a good antidote. I do it so
much because its fun. That, and I dont have much else thats better to do.

Classically trained...God I hate that label. Why cant people call it

traditionally trained? When I hear the phrase classically trained, I think of
the golden age of animation if thats what you want to call it. Tex Avery
cartoons. Bugs Bunny cartoons, The Flinstones, Scooby Doo. Idiotic shit like
that. Even when I was little I disliked the majority of those cartoons,
especially the Hannah Barbera ones, and would always prefer the Saturday

P a g e | 939

morning contemporary mid-90s cartoons like Bobbys World, Animaniacs,

Tiny Toon Adventures, Earthworm Jim, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Darkwing Duck, Schoolhouse Rock, The Real Ghostbusters, Tailspin,
Batman, Tazmania, Goof Troop, Dog City, Super Dave, Mutant League, and
a countless number of other shows that came on during that television era.
Some of Tex Averys shorts were amusing and very innovative, but thats
about as far as Ill go. Why cant people say Traditionally trained? It
sounds better.

Anime seems so much less childish and enjoyable for me to watch, even
though some anime is just as bad, like the Sailor Moon television show,
which uses the same canned animation every episode. Then Akira, Gundam
Wing, Ghost In the Shell, Invader ZIM, the Toonami block on Cartoon
Network, Disney Feature Animation films, Chuck Jones cartoons, and the
Spawn HBO series came along and changed my entire concept of what
animation, even in America, is capable of. Silly nonsense in animation has
been done to death. Its time to do something new and innovate, rather than
imitate. Used to be into the cartoony style a lot more than I am now. I like
fine art, illustration, and experimental styles of artwork, literature, and
philosophy more now. Im searching for things that are deeper, and
fortunately Ive found them.

Maybe in my career goals, when stating what Im aiming to achieve, perhaps

I should be broader and not quite so specific. Maybe I should even say
novelist or illustrator. Maybe I should just say Im looking for a job as a
writer or artist. It might be easier for me to find work. Im not sure how easy
being a journalist would be, writing articles or columns or whatever. I dont
know why, but I think writing a book would be easier for me than writing a
column every week. Not enough happens in my life right now for me to
write a column. Sooner or later Im going to have to start searching for
workin writing and drawing. That scares me. Im not really all that used to
working with pressure to create new work.

Have charted my progress in my writing work productivity, and Ive been

keeping track of how much writing Ive been doing since the end of August
last year. So basically this has been a little bit more than a four-month

P a g e | 940

period. I counted all the pages Ive done (journals, essays, clustering), at
home and at school, and have added them all together. I have written
precisely around 486 pages of writingalmost 500 pagesin a four-month
span. I think I may have written over 1,000 pages by now, and if I have, Ive
reached a milestone! I should give myself a hearty pat on the back. I dont
need vindication through anyone else. I dont need to be accepted by others
in order to accept myself. I think every geek and outcast from middle and
high school should realize this concept of self-acceptance, and simply be
happy with who they are, rather than being depressed that they dont fit in,
which is a way to describe how I used to be.
Definitely planning on reading tonight, which should be some fun waiting
to happen. I may write a lot tonight or might write very little. If something
interesting comes into this mind I have for me to write about, I may very
well subsequently end up writing a lot. It would probably have to be a
subject thats incredibly amazing. Im always looking for something new.
Should really start writing that first book, but just need a lengthy plot or
subject to write about. Will need to do research when I begin writing that
first book, but thats a given.

Dad sent out the portfolio to Ringling today. Its being sent through
overnight delivery and is adress directly to the person we spoke to when the
three of us visited the school. Was definitely blown away by the
ambiance of Ringling when we visited. Im in love with the idea
of going to an art school.

Will be going to bed soon. Would like to look back through old writings and
enjoy them for the sake of reading them, but havent done that in a while.
Might read a journal file tomorrow.

The next generation of peers seems unprepared for the real world. Were
living and were going to die just like past generations and like future
generations will. I figure we may as well make the best of it while were
here. Love each other, learn from each other, and help one another. Dont be
afraid to feel compassion or affection. Live every day to its fullest. This is
the wisdom I have learned from others, and its what Id like to pass down,

P a g e | 941

and Id rather pass this down than my wealth or my power, even though I
have neither of those things now.

Dont know how to turn this creative energy off. Am constantly feeling like
I have to work. I want to get out and enjoy the world, lie down, rest and
watch TV, but when I do that, I get restless and want to keep working or do
something active. Oh well. Maybe Im doomed to a life of constant work.
Guess if its going to be that way, might as well channel it into something
positive, creative, energetic, and innovative, if thats possible. Jackie Chan
Adventures is a lot of fun to watch and often seems like my only escape or
escapism from this constant state of working. Im one of those people who if
theyre going to rest and not focus their mind, usually need some kind of
noise or silent motion around them while theyre being still, even if its just
the hum of a computer, the motion of a television set, or the relaxing melody
of a pop-rock album in CD form. I, or should I say we all, just want to be
held and hugged sometimes, and we want to cry in someones arms, like
when we feel overwhelmed with despair or when we feel mistreated. We all
need a hug sometimes. Things can be sad sometimes, because sometimes
theres no one there to hug us, and if were forced to see this, it makes some
of us grow bitter and cold. Sometimes even angry. This looks like a good
place to stop.

Should probably not write in this journal as much today. Watching television
right now, but am not sure what Im going to do next. I have a couple things
to choose from. Sleeping, reading, or listening to music.

Last time I wrote in this thing, it was 4:28 p.m. or so. Now its 10:13 p.m.
and I feel great! Glad to take such a long break from doing any sort of work.
That movie Contact was on TV this Friday night: the one based on the Carl
Sagan book. Its one of my favorites, but decided to write instead.

Searching for a purer form of consciousness. Something more intrinsically

clear as seen through luminosity. Other than Buddhist meditation practice,
am not sure where to look.

P a g e | 942

For a while, Ive been interested in two things. Asian cultureits religion,
language, philosophy, history, art, foodand the Universe. These are two
entirely separate topics and areas, but they both fascinate me, and in a way
they both make me feel at home. I am at home. Especially now. This
obviously is hinting at a concept that transcends the literal meaning.

Today will be a good day to get some work done. Namely my web design
class and the editing of my book report.

Ive been thinking that a person can probably do anything, if they work hard,
dont give up, and put their mind to it. Because people of all sorts have done
everything. People do it. For instance: Learn HTML and program a website.
Draw a daily comic strip for many years in a row. Write a newspaper or
magazine column every week, each month, for years and years, like Dave
Barry has done. Write, produce, and direct an independent or Hollywood
film over the course of a year or two. Illustrate a lot of colored artwork for
books and magazines, or an add campaign. Draw and/or write a mainstream
or underground comic book series, or maybe both. Write a bunch of novels,
essays, poems, songs, and short stories and release one or a couple each
year. Create, write, storyboard, and/or direct an animated series or animated
film. Be a journalist. Learn to draw and paint. Become a proficient
meditation practitioner. Pursue the spiritual journey. Write a live action
television drama or sitcom. Start a business and become an entrepreneur.
Host a talk show on television or radio. Act in television, theatre or film.
Win a major prize or award. Sing. Dance. Travel. Play sports. Become a
professional songwriter, performer, or musician. Go to college, major in
something, get a scholarship, get a degree and pursue a career in whatever
your heart desires. Start a marriage or a family. Play the stock market.
Become a politician. Be an inventor or scientist. Learn grammar. Learn
photography

Theres nothing that says a person cant do all these things or learn to do all
of them. As matter of fact, they can. The only real limit is ones self. If you
want to become a person of worth, yourself is often the main thing stopping
you.

P a g e | 943

Speaking of that, I took a break from this journal and got some exercise, so I
guess there was nothing stopping me. Did 40 sit ups and 65 jumping jacks,
and felt like my lungs were going to burst after I finished. They were
pounding severely to get back their energy, which proves Im out of shape.
Im around 225 lbs., although with all my clothes on, I dont look that as fat
as the number sounds, but Im working on it.

Ive started thinking that later on in my life, Ill start going back and revising
these journals (i.e. adding dated forewords, editing, changing the names of
the not-so-innocent even though Im one of the not-so-innocent and Im not
changing my name, putting in epigraphs if I see fit).
Since Ken Keseys death, I have a feeling that in the next ten to thirty years,
Kesey will quickly be on his way to becoming a literary god, and will reach
being respected on the same level as authors such as Ernest Hemingway,
John Steinbeck, Shakespeare, Asimov, Charles Dickens, F. Scott Fitzgerald,
Kurt Vonnegut, George Orwell, Ray Bradbury, C.S. Lewis, Mark Twain,
and J.D. Salinger. Id bet money Ill never be up there with those names, but
thats all right.

Well Im listening to the new Weezer tracks off of their upcoming newest
and fourth album, in MP3 format off of their website. They are wonderful.

Just recently, Ive become interested in donations, charities, activism, and

organizations that are trying to make a difference in the world. I dont just
want to talk about Zen and compassion. I want to practice Zen and
compassion. Fortunately I was surfing the Internet and found something
interesting. Ive found some activist groups websites through links in the
website of a band whose music I dont even like that much. Through
someone elses website, Ive found out about some non-profit organizations
that are fighting for causes. Netaid, Greenpeace, the Free Burma Coalition,
and the Free Tibet Coalition (which is one I found out about by myself). I
now know these organizations URLs now. www.netaid.org,
www.greenpeace.org, www.freeburmacoalition.org, and www.freetibet.org.

P a g e | 944

I think later on in my life, if I have a lot of money, Ill do some research on

the sufferings of the world and decide who or what to donate to. I might as
well. If I ever make more than $100,000 in a year, Ill definitely seriously
considering joining causes and donating. Using all that money just for me
would be unnecessary.
You could call me an artist with an agenda and spiritual journey. Am I that?
Perhaps. I have a journey and agenda, but Im not trying to preach. Ill
simply be honest about what I believe. I am however going to do my best to
keep my creative work theistically secular for the most part and agenda free.
Even though Im trying to fight in the quest for a free Tibet, I will probably
never write a story about Tibet, unless I can find a way to tell it without
making it too preachy. The thing is, I think just recently Ive found out that
there are things we can all do to change the world, even if its just a little bit.
It can be as simple as spending time with your family, talking with a friend,
helping someone you know with a chore of some sort, treating all people and
living things with compassion, donating to the September 11th Fund
organization, or simply creating creative work that you can share
with
people who might enjoy it. Am feeling very spiritual today, and I think Im
actually taking an active approach rather than a passive approach, where I
just sit back and let the world unfold upon itself. Trying to be less selfcentered and more selfless. More egoless. Starting to realize that my life is
not completely about me. Its about the world and everyone. The family,
friends, animals, the world, the suffering, and people I dont even know.
There are many problems in this world. Communism or fascism, oppression,
starvation and hunger, poverty, murder, our disappearing environmental
resources, disease, tragedy, disability, and illiteracy. It all seems so
overwhelming, but I personally believe if we really desire to make the effort,
there are things we can do about these issues. Its doesnt matter whether we
donate $17 or $170,000. What matters is that we care and make the effort.
Right now, Im already currently a member of The Comic Book Legal
Defense Fund, or I was anyway. Dont know if I still am. I believe in
defending first amendment rights for comic books, and am opposed to
censorship in printed and literary media, so I joined the cause. I want to
defend freedom of expression in any media that is not necessarily for
children. My family thought I was crazy for joining the CBLDF, but its a
cause I believe in. My mother has told me that I shouldnt be concentrating
on charities right now, but should be focusing on scholarships andlater
onhelping relatives instead. Shes been telling me Charity starts at home

P a g e | 945

for a while. I understand, but at the same time, I kind of disagree. Im

intelligent enough to see that the world does not revolve around me, or
things directly correlated with me, and that I have it very easy for the simple
reason that I live in the United States, among many other reasons.

Have been considering whether or not to develop another idea I came up

with for an animated series. It could be a more serious, adult animated series
that is about an FBI agent. I was thinking that since Im probably not doing
Zounds! anymore, I might as well tell a story of a separate cartoony
character who works for the FBI. I just like the idea of telling an FBI story in
animated or comic book form.

Ive been thinking about a recurring theme in my life again. Im not sure
where Im going to live when Im an adult. I want to live in some major city
that someone actually knows about. Ive lived near Orlando, Florida for a
long time. Its time to move on. Im thinking about California, New York
City, Philadelphia, Illinois, Boston, or the state of Maine. Im really not sure
where Im going or what Im doing after art school, and Im still have yet to
find out whether Im going to The Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale or the
Ringling School of Art and Design in Sarasota, Florida. I dont know if Ill
be living in my parents house once again after college for a little while until
I can get on my feet.

Probably going to do exercise and read today. Ill most likely return to
drawing in a few days. Im just enjoying some downtime from the drawing
currently.

P a g e | 946

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 56

P a g e | 947

January 2002

I really dont think I like Algebra or the harder kind of math one bit. Ive
attempted doing it in school, and it usually feels like Ive hit a mental wall.
As a matter of fact, I guess I might even hate Algebra. Math has got to be
one of my, if not the, worst subject of mine in school. I get so frustrated
sometimes that Im ready to strangle someone. A teacher was helping me
with it and she was the closest one to me, so I felt like I was ready to
strangle a teacher. I have nothing against any of my teachers though. It
wasnt personal. I was just frustrated at the time and was picturing violence.

Am not seriously itching to get back to drawing in one or a few days. I

would like to do it soon.

Theres one aspect of my theories that I havent really thought about before.
I wonderAm I a mystic? Do I see what I believe to be an ultimate religious
truth or a divine perception and divine reality, and claim to have a closer
connection to it than others? No comment on that inquiry, because Im not
sure, but I dont really think so. I may be a meditation practitioner, but I
dont think Id be comfortable claiming that I was a mystic or even a postmodernist. If I were a mystic, I wouldnt want people finding out about my
theories, basing their entire lives around the ideas, or some ridiculous takeit-too-seriously cult-following nonsense like that. I dont and never have
claimed to be a bringer of the word of God or whatever divine phenomena
may exist. On a certain level I dont even believe in God, and am an
agnostic. Or at least my beliefs are such when it comes to the concept of an
anthropocentric god. I am a retard and idiot compared to people like
Immanuel Kant, Jean Paul-Sartre, Lao Tzu, and the Buddha. I think Wilbers
more of a mystic than I am. Im just an occasionally philosophical and
spiritual human being, which are things any person can be if they try hard

P a g e | 948

enough. I can also be a little too pretentious for comfort at times and Ill be
the first to admit that.

In the Work Prep course today in school, had to read a new chapter that was
pretty interesting. Its talking about how in one authors best-selling book,
he or she wrote about how the human minds functionalityon a certain
levelis divided into three sections or parts: The child, the parent, and the
adult. I dont think I really need to explain them, but I was impressed about
how concisely that chapter sums up a persons decision-making and thought
process, and how that process can be applied towards choosing a career or
vocation. Im still choosing a vocation, but I am seriously considering
writing novels of some sort, even though Im not sure if Ive stated for 100%
certain that Im going into the career path of writing novels. I just know that
it probably is not a coincidence that Ive filled up all this many pages of
writing already in this relatively short amount of time. If Im not writing a
lot with my conscious half saying, This is what I want to do for a living
which is basically how it isIm probably writing this journal and essays a
lot with my sub-conscious saying This is what I want to do for my career.
I mean why not? The money is there to be made after all. Even though the
money isnt the reason I do this. Still, there is money there to be made, and a
lot of it I might add. Its definitely tempting simply to consider the amount
of money one could possibly make when writing books for a living. One
thing I do know is that its easier to make a lot more money writing literary
books than it is to earn a lot through royalties writing or drawing comic
books. Still having trouble deciding which one Ill be doing more careerwise, whether Ill be doing more drawing or more writing. Im beginning to
think that I will be able to do either one as much as I want to later on, but
Im not sure which one Ill be doing more of. I dont know how well
illustration or animation pays exactly, but Im sure Ill find out through art
school.

Havent really written much today, but was watching some TV instead. Not
too long ago, I was denouncing television, and I still do somewhat. Its just
that Ive sort of come around and I watch it more than I was doing
previously. I still prefer a good book to the boob tube however. Ive had a lot
of fun reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Tis, On
Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, Awakening The Buddha Within, Bag Of
Bones, High Fidelity, and The Elegant Universe. I have a bad habit of

P a g e | 949

reading comic books, physics books, and philosophy books. Some would
consider science and philosophy very boring subjects and the thought of
getting a PhD in those fields makes them positively sick. I find myself
fascinated by them. To me, theyre far more interesting than math, algebra,
or geometry. I believe Ive also been getting more sufficient at this grammar
stuff, even though Im sure the mechanics of my writing have a countless
number or bugs to work out of them. Not all bestsellers are superbly written.
Actually, a lot of them are not. Superbly written would be finalists and
winners of Pulitzers and Nobel Prizes. Im excited about the prospect of
getting to read books like Soul Mountain and The Amazing Adventures of
Kavalier and Clay, which look like books that will one day become new
classics, perhaps during or after the 2030s, when Im 50 years old or older. I
definitely hope to live for more than fifty or sixty years on this Earth.

Just found out today that Frank McCourts first memoir, Angelas Ashes, the
Pulitzer Prize winner, has sold more than 2 million copies. Talk about a rich
superstar author. He didnt used to be that important though. Im close to
being almost halfway through his sequel Tis, and I love the way McCourt
writes and is able to craft a real life story in a way that reads like a very fine
first-person novel. Im definitely planning on reading Angelas Ashes a
while after Ive finished Tis.

Yoshitaka Amano has done something truly inspiring. Hes pursued a career
of innovation as a world-renowned illustrator, and has worked on many
projects for many different companies. Evan Dorkin has gone with a lot of
publishing companies as well. Id like to follow in their footsteps. What
publishing house do I want to go with? The answer is as many as I can.

I think Ill be writing for about another twenty or thirty minutes, and then Ill
stand up and leave the word processor, to watch some more television, read
or something of that nature. I have to go relax and shut my mind off.

One way I try to figure out how I can be successful is by measuring or

analyzing the success of other creative people, and trying to figure out how
and why theyre successful.

P a g e | 950

Soon Im going to have to get to drawing again, getting back to really

working my ass off, rather than just sitting here and babbling on the
computer all day about nothing.

I dont really go to message boards as much anymore. People often say

idiotic things on message board, and seem a little too emulative of their idols
for my taste.

One thing I definitely feel is privileged to get to be reading work at the same
time, which was written by Ernest Hemingway and Frank McCourt. They
are literary geniuses, and to think that I would ever write a book that would
even compare to their greatness is a concept that is beyond my
comprehension. I suppose one should still try (Ha. Jokes on me, right JM).
Im not sure if Ill ever be able to craft fiction that brilliantly, no matter how
much journal writing I do. I think Ive done enough journal writing. Either in
a couple months or after college, it will be time to start focusing my energy
on going back to writing some more fiction that Im taking seriously. This
would just be to get my narrative and pacing down. The hardest part will be
figuring out what the plot will be, and dialogue. I think the actual writing
process that goes with narrative, voice, and scene descriptions should pretty
much take care of itself, with a large amount of thanks being due to this
journal of mine. The thing is that I cant sell a novel proposal to an agent
until I have something concrete to present, and I talk a lot of shit, but I dont
have much muscle to back it up right now, if you know what I mean. I
actually pretty much stare off into space and goof off all day, with the
occasional creative manifestation every so often. I just mess around and
hang out all day, so therefore Im pretty much like most of the other kids in
America. The only thing is that when I mess around, I dont just not think
and do nothing with my time. I occupy it with my pursuits and spend many
moments constantly thinking about an analyzing those pursuits, which is
why I think I was kind of naturally meant for a career of the creative sort,
because Im able to be creative and I dont fit in very well in the real world.
Actually, personally, I think those should be prerequisites for a creative job.

P a g e | 951

We creative people are all kind of the same. Its just that some of us have
more talent than others. Many out there have a lot more talent than I do or
ever will.

Today I wrote the first draft of my Tribute letter for the high school
graduation ceremony Ill be attending. They wanted everyone to, so I wrote
one. Its nothing too fancy or elaborate. I felt it was pretty straightforward.
Hoping beyond hope that Ringling likes my portfolio. I still have to get a
response back from them. Not sure when Im going to receive a response.
Theyre still quite a good chance they could say no thank you. That would
certainly suck, but at least I have somewhere else to go to in case that
happens, like the Art Institute. I cant help but wonder what kind of a state is
animation in though. Other than Jackie Chan Adventures, Invader ZIM,
Justice League, Samurai Jack, and The Proud Family, I cant think of very
many new shows that seem all that appealing. Actually, now that I look back
on what Ive listed, when you take in to consideration the fact that pretty
much all of the aforementioned television series havent been around for
more than a year, thats actually a pretty decent amount of good new shows.
I just thank God every night that Histeria! and Cow & Chicken seem to no
longer be on the air. Those had to be among the very worst of Hannah
Barberas and Warner Brothers animated shows. These are from the same
people who did great shows like Dexters Laboratory, Freakazoid,
Animaniacs, and Pinky and the Brain. Now that Im thinking about canceled
cartoons, whatever happened to The Angry Beavers and the newer version of
Spider-Man? Low ratings happened to them probably. The market is so
goddam competitive, and if you dont have a bazillion people watching the
show every week (at least), you lose your job and have to seek other work
elsewhere. It sucks, I know.

So the two things that are being foreseen in the very near future are exercise
and drawing my brains out. Should be a lot of fun, but I havent done much
of either one yet. Ive definitely been slacking.

Waiting to be inspired, but nothing seems to be coming. Trying too much

perhaps.

P a g e | 952

I remember talking to Mom a day ago.

Id really like to write a book one day I told her.
Then write it she replied.
Then do it? I dont know
Well if you really want to, youll do it
She did have a good point there. Suppose when the time comes, if I really
still have that burning desire to write something that people will actually
read and get to see, I probably will do it. That was a wise piece of advice on
her behalf; in the tone of Get off your ass and make your dreams come true.
Just having this little bit of success so far. I dont know. Maybe its taking
away my motivation to be original, or even to produce new work. And
perhaps not. Perhaps the only real thing stopping me from being original and
therefore making a name for myself is myself. How ironic. Havent looked
through the couple day-old journal entries, so I cant tell if Im being
redundant or tautological. Perhaps its time to start searching for some new
words.

Im starting to see an actual original style develop, through my recent

influences of Brian Michael Bendis, Dave Eggers, Ernest Hemingway, Ken
Wilber, Dave Barry, Stephen King, Frank McCourt, and Brian Michael
Bendis. Not really trying to rip-off any of them however. I am seeing some
traces of their styles in here though, but my writing isnt necessarily
precisely like any of theirs. Brian Greene, Christopher Buckley, M. Night
Shyamalan are good as well

Im still a Buddhist, but havent been truly practicing in a while. Got to get
back to meditating.

What is all this work at the drawing board and word processor of the past
for? Whats the point of all this? I need to get back and reconnect with God.
What are all these many hundreds of journal pages here for? Theres no
possible way they could all be used in a story.

P a g e | 953

Wrote two fictional short stories in longhand form today at school, one for
my journal assignment and one for my creative writing course. Ive been
reading more out of Writing the Natural Way as well, which I think is a book
thats really been helping me. Three writing books I can think of, which Ive
read, absorbed things from, and rememberand which I found very
usefulhave been The Elements of Style by William Strunk (for style,
mechanics, and grammar only), Writing The Natural Way (for clustering,
getting ideas, and rhythm), and On Writing: A Memoir of The Craft by
Stephen King (for getting ideas, some mechanical stuff, the craft, and doing
the writing work, among many other things). Of course theres always good
old studying of other writers books to see how the craft is done by others. I
still need to check out Story. Two good books on storytelling and writing
scripts are the aforementioned Story by Robert McKee, and Screenplay by
Syd Field, which I read a long time ago, but it certainly helped my
scriptwriting and pacing techniques. Reading Syd Fields Screenplay is
where I learned about things like plot points. I also used to have no concrete
conception of what a writing styleor even voiceis. But now that Ive
done some reading up on these subjects, Ive come away more
knowledgeable, with more creative power, and more of an ability to craft
words on the page like not many else can do for as far as I know. A lot of
style in writing comes down to the rhythm of your words, your pacing, how
you use punctuation or mechanics, what words you use, and things you
choose to write about and your own individual opinion on those things. I
used parenthesis and elongated hyphens quite a bit recently because I think
they add a certain kind of flavor to my developing style and make it pungent
somewhat, but a lot of my substance comes down to the rhythm of my
writing, and the ideas or concepts I use. If you want to make it and be
successful, you have to try as hard as you can, and not be afraid to fail or
make a fool of yourself.

The pop-fiction literary marketplace is so overcrowded with the same crap,

and the most of it is dull and boring, or prosaic, if you will.

Jhonen Vasquezs superb animated series, Invader ZIM, was just cancelled
from Nickelodeons schedule today, and it was one of that networks best
shows too. Its a shame really.

P a g e | 954

Getting tired. Its getting late.

Over the years, Ive worked very hard for my vision or idea(s) or
whatever else one might choose to call it. At times I come up with visions,
and stories, and theories, and Id feel Id be ready to die if I couldnt express
them in one way or another. Theyre small right now in the Im the only
one who knows of them so far sense, but later if I can find a way to
distribute my work in one way or another, I am almost certain others will
catch on, not necessarily to the surface, but to what I hope will be more
about the substance. I just hope that I dont get plagiarized a lot, because
there are better people to plagiarize than me, like His Holiness the Dalai
Lama, Gandhi, Steven Spielberg, or Martin Luther King.

Was looking at some reviews on www.amazon.com, of a new best selling

book titled The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big
Difference (currently ranked at number 82 on the top 100-bestseller list on
Amazon.com. Even though I havent read the book yetthough I want to
the basic idea behind the book seems to be this: It all starts with an idea. If
you have a good idea, you too can change the world, in a big way rather than
small way. I think its a given that the world views the former as more
significant than the latter. The book also seems to imply that a thing as
simple as word of mouth can turn a once small and unheard of thing into an
unbelievably enormous thing that everybodys heard of. Like a household
idea and whatnot. This book sounds like it would be useful to me if I ever
read it, even though I may already know most of the things the book tries to
tell people about.

Not really tired right now, but its nearly ten oclock at night. Wish Id have
something obvious to write about, but recently it often seems like Ive
written about everything in my life that there is to write about, yet somehow
I may have already written over 1,000 pages that are based mostly on
thoughts that have come out of my own head. Interesting. I write in pretty
small font letters too, which is kind of bizarre. After writing on this
computer for three years or so, Id only have expected to write half the
amount of words Ive actually written thus far. Its strange really.

P a g e | 955

May not have said this before. But if I did say it before, I havent said it
quite like this. Its simple and direct. Will sum up my birth information: Was
born in Ann Arbor, Michigan in the year 1983.

One other phrase I like is Cool bands dont sell records: This obviously
means if something is commercially viable, some will hate it simply for
actually making money, even if it has substance, regardless of how many it
actually holds some meaning to. That might describe my situation one day. I
could be making a lot of money (perhaps millions), and some will try to hate
me because my work is known by many and seems to be everywhere

So let me get this straight. Isaac Asimov is the most prolific. Danielle Steel
is the highest selling. And Stephen King is the most famous. John Grisham
may be the one whose novels are the most successfully translated to film. In
my opinion, Ken Wilber, Immanuel Kant, and Jean Paul-Sartreamong
othersare and were the deepest writers in the world (in my opinion).
Shakespeare is the highest selling writer of all time though. Stephen
Hawking is quite possibly the most famous physicist/writer of all time, but is
not as famous in general as Albert Einstein.

I miss Papa. He was such a good man, but hes dead now. I want him back.
I want him to come back so badly, but hes not coming back. This is grief, I
suppose. Its not overwhelming to an unbearable extent, but it hurts without a
doubt. E Cats not coming back either.

Might very well be working on drawing today. Definitely doing web design
class today. Dont really have a choice on that. Ive fallen behind on it. I
certainly wont be writing on this word processor or surfing the Internet
much for the rest of today after 5 p.m., because Ive already been on the

P a g e | 956

computer for about 4 or 5 hours. Right now in my parents opinion, thats

too much for one day. Its too bad I have to live in their house, where they
get to dictate how much work I get to do on the computer.

When off of the computer for a brief amount of time, I was playing a
machine that brought back some good childhood memories. It was the
original gray colored Game Boy portable system. This was made before
Nintendo put out the Virtual Boy, Nintendo 64, Game Cube, and all these
different variations of the Game Boy system, such as different colored Game
Boys (which included green, yellow, read, blue, or black) and the lighter
and smallerversions of the same thing. When the original Game Boy
system was at the zenith of its popularity, every kid had one and this or that
Game Boy game. A lot played Kirbys Dream Land, Tetris, Metroid, Super
Mario, or even Warioland. Now everyone seems to be listening to Linkin
Park and watching Friends or Cribs. Im not though.

Havent talked about proportions, perspective, S-curves, line weight, tonal

values, balance, anatomy, and rhythm in a while. Should certainly do that.
Maybe it will get me motivated to draw some more. Ever since I finished my
portfolio, which I submitted to Ringling, I seem to have become less
motivated to draw lately, perhaps because I know I finished my first
objective. I need to move on though. Its time to create some newer, better
artwork that I can be proud of. I like this writing plenty, but I have an
overabundance of it. I have enough writing so far to last me a long time.
This all makes me very happy right now. If only everyone could know this
type of euphoria, peace, and happiness. Some do, but too many do not.
These are the people who need compassion and love.

P a g e | 957

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 57

P a g e | 958

February 2002

I felt good for drawing yesterday. Now all I have to do is do it some more
today. It doesnt have to be anything fancy. Just something. Ill start out
mild, and then move on to what will hopefully be a sufficient look.

Its Superbowl Sunday today. Ive been doing pretty much nothing but
resting and eating.

Have learned a little more HTML tonight. Learned how to make links out of
text, and I learned it in about four minutes. That was really cool, getting to
experience the feeling of learning something new. It cant be beat.
Was reading Animation Magazine last night. They were doing an article
about an ABC Family animated series. The producers of the show were
talking like they know all the shit there is to know. One of them was
basically saying if you want a show thats better than okay, you pay top
dollar for top-notch writers. Im not exactly sure if you can define a topnotch writer. How do you necessarily know that if you pay for the most
expensive writer, youll automatically get the best product? You could pay
him seven figures over the course of a year or twoand Im sure executives
do that with the most popular showsand the writer could produce nothing
at all, or perhaps nothing of valor or substance. The top dollar writers could
in fact be shitty writers. Just because their more expensive does not
necessarily mean theyre better, in my opinion. It probably means that
theyre more in demand, but thats about as far as I go. TV writers are
usually not as literate as book writers. Creative entertainment business is not
really something you can predict. Its not necessarily a science. No one can
really predict 100% whats going to be the most popular product. I dont
think I ever want to view myself as a top-notch or top dollar writer.
Money: Im just not primarily about that. Its all about the creativity. Will I

P a g e | 959

ever be driving a Jaguar, BMW, or Rolls Royce one day? Will I only have to
write two or three stories a year (novels, screenplays, TV scripts) in order to
pay for a whole years worth of living expenses? Perhaps. But Im not trying
to look that far ahead. When it stops being about the creativity and fun and
enjoyment and starts being more about the money is when I need to quit.
Fuck money. Thats the last thing Id want people to think, was that Im only
about the money. I hate having to put a price on any of my creative work. I
seriously do. All Im really worried about is working as hard as I possibly
can, and reaching zenith after zenith of aesthetic and technical level. Id like
to learn how to paint so maybe one day I can sell a single painting for some
money, but thats not until later on down the road. Even though Im not
overly worried about money, I would like to sell some of my artwork one
day. My career goal is to not be a starving artist, so that I can create work
with relatively few worries.

When I look at comic book publishers that Im considering approaching with

projects, I have a couple.

I dont think Id ever really try to think of myself as a person who ran a
business. I also would probably prefer not to view employees as employees.
Id rather view them as associates, affiliates, and collaborators. People,
whom I can goof around and have a lot of fun with. The only thing is that I
usually do enjoy going solo.

Today would definitely be a superb day to draw. That most likely looks as if
its going to happen today

This is getting ridiculous. Its been more than half a year since Ive been in
Rima Jabburs drawing class at Crealde and done those drawings. But Im
still not able to get over how beautiful some of those charcoal drawings are,
and it didnt even take more than 2 hours to draw any of them. Ones a fullbody female nude sitting, and the others a portrait. The thing I cant get over
is the fact that they were done in charcoal, and not pencilwhich is the
drawing medium Im most comfortable in. Suppose if I could create those
things after less than 7 weekly lessons in charcoal life drawing, I suppose

P a g e | 960

theres really no way to tell how well Ill do in weekly lessons in painting
still life or the nude figure.

Not sure what to write about as of now. Will probably come up with
something, but I dont have much time until my show comes on again, so I
only have about ten minutes or a little more until I go to watch more TV. I
dont know why I find it necessary to watch my favorite television show
three times a day, but its a lot of fun I suppose. Thats probably why I do it.
If nothing else, at least I got some decent drawing out of today. Will still
have to see if Ill be able to write those essays. I enjoy writing the essays
quite a bit, just as I enjoy drawing quite a bit.

So many words. Such a small amount of meaning.

Ive been living a good life recently. My mind has been quite relaxed, Ive
come up with some decent new theories, I like some of the writing Ive
produced, and Im pretty pleased with the way a lot of the drawings Ive
done more recently have turned out so far. Ought to look back through those
old books I own, The Natural Way to Draw and Drawing On The Right Side
of The Brain. Cant wait to draw some more things out of my coffee table art
books. Have not done that in a while. Should do it soon. I dont have all that
much time left until I have to move off to a different city and go to college,
hence leaving a lot of my old things behind, to go off and become and
entirely new, more productiveand more independentman. Im pretty
certain I will return from college a changed man. I will probably discover
new zeniths, new epiphanies, and new kinds of bullshit. Ill just have to let
time tell.

Cyber-Angel and The Hippys Vision took me many painstaking hours to

crank outI nearly had a pre-drawing time nervous breakdown when
thinking how Id actually do the ink work on Cyber-Angel, but I did finish
them, eventually. The most pain I got came before I actually drew them, and
I would do well to remember that.

P a g e | 961

Listening to some Yo La Tengo right now. Something I havent heard in a

while. Every night for the last three days or so, Ive been listening to that
The Cure: Bloodflowers album while I go to sleep. I actually find it, for the
most part, to be quite a relaxing CD. I love it. Theres a label for a musical
group you go to sleep to. You could call them Bedtime bands, because you
listen to them during your bedtimeMaybe I could get some reading done
after nine oclock at tonight.

Right now Im wearing blue jeans and a Nike tee shirt. I actually feel pretty
normal right now. The only difference is that Im writing like a lunatic while
the rest of the world rests, or works. Take your pick. However, I can be
mindful all the time, but that will take work.

I slept during class today. Ill probably write an essay, since I didnt do it
yesterday. Wish I had a job I liked. But Im jobless right now. Would like to
think of something to say in this journal. I only have so much time to live
my life. I want to get all my words out now and in the many forthcoming
years, while Im still alive. I love life, but I also want to embrace it and make
the best of it.

This is interesting. There are over 6 billion people living on the earth
currently. That means there are over 6 billion separate lives and perceptions.
I have my own unique perception, just like everyone else. I do not expect to
be admired. I would only like to be acknowledged, so that I know that I exist
and that the world exists. The world does exist, and after I cease to exist, the
world will still continue to exist, just not to my own perception. Thats
interesting. I firmly believe that truth to me does lie within ambiguity,
because from ambiguity I can derive answers that, in some cases, had not
previously existed. Thats how I arrived at my societal osmosis theory
which I wrote a while ago in this journal, about deciphering between
hereditary traits and ones that were learned from fellow inhabitants of the
cultural environment. Im sure that theory could stand some updating and
researching to use to improve upon it. Theres some other theories Ive come
up with, but thats the only one of them I can recall writing right now. Id
remember more, but its just that Ive done so much goddam writing in the
last year or two that I dont know Journal 18 from Journal 23, etc. I only

P a g e | 962

know Im currently ready to start reading #41. So basically, I dont know up

from down. This is getting fucking ridiculous. I cant tell my own theories
apart from one another. Moving on

Just need to think up something to say! Nothing is coming to mind though.

This probably means that I should turn to my essays. Wheres my genius for
creativity now?! I say that in a self-mocking tone. Perhaps I am stressed out
now. I need to create something new. Its as simple as that. Something new
that is not tautological. Its so easy to be tautological and disguise new
things for the same old things, especially when you become successful
professionally. Well let me tell you something, Mr.! Tautology equals
stagnation. Truth dispels tautology for what it is: Stagnation. This is why I
must strive for the beauty of ambiguity, because truth comes from
ambiguity, among other things. Once one finds a comfort and a home in the
ambiguity, they will manifest originality. I dont know if Im original. I
dont know how often someone actually is original nowadays. Descartes
never claimed to be original. Neither did any of the masters of western art.
They were humble and acknowledged the influence and originality of their
predecessors, who also never made bold proclamations about originality.
The only way to be recognized for your brillianceIm talking about
anyone and everyone when I say youris to show the world your
brilliance, not tell them about it. People shouldnt talk shit, unless they can
back shit up with substance that makes up the shits form. Its too fucking
obvious. It also all boils down to this. Knowledge of ambiguity comes from
knowledge of the authentic self, plain and simple. Once we learn to love
ourselves, we can learn to love others. I dont know where this came from,
but Im kind of rambling here. Dont know if this is a good ramble or a bad
ramble. It certainly beats ranting though.

Definitely planning on working on the web design class today after my show
comes on TV for either the second or third time today.

It appears as if I only have 100 or so pages to go until Im finished with The

Elegant Universe by Brian Greene. Ive loved reading that book, but I dont
think it was too short or too long of a book. Actually, I think it was just
right, and jam-packed with plenty of physics and cosmology wisdom about

P a g e | 963

the cosmos. I love reading about philosophical things and the cosmos. I love
it! Profound things get me closer to all that is, the emptiness, the universe,
humanity, and GodAll in one! Thats part of the fun of being a potential
mystic. Got to decide what to do next though. Probably watch some of the
television. Either than, or do more contemplating over my own existence. I
did write an essay last night after I was off the computer, and I wrote another
one in class today, about questioning objectivity, but I wont go into more
detail about it because thats often what my essay time is for, and I already
said plenty about it in the essay (though I could have said more, I suppose). I
did write a philosophical comment about the origins of the universe in the
onipress.com message board earlier. I said I agreed with Jamies
existentialist interpretation, and then wrote my thoughts down and posted
them. Dont know if anyone read my post or cared for it though.

I am a writer, but I havent really written anything seriously intended for

publication yet. When the time comes to attempt to submit to publishing
companies, Im sure Ill come up with something. Will probably force
myself to. I need to find a career in something. My brother sleeps in my
familys house all day, and does not have a job. I have a firm belief hell go
out and find work eventually, but my point is I dont want to end up doing
what hes doing now for my entire life. It will be okay if I have to stay at
Mom and Dads home for a while until I find (creative) work in the real
world eventually though. I might have a lucrative career in publishing, the
arts, or Hollywood, or I might not. Was just thinking. What Id like to say to
other geeks is that You are not as weird as you imagine. I think most of us
are not as weird as we think. Many people are very alike, but unfortunately
the people who are actually alike often do not come into contact with each
other.

Currently working in my web design class, so I cant really write in this

journal right nowFinished the web design class just about five or ten
minutes ago.

Its tough to keep any kind of million-mark entertainment a secret. The basic
rule is that if shit reaches the million mark, it gets in the news, no questions
asked: OutKast, Creed, Malcolm In The Middle, Invader ZIM, Harry Potter

P a g e | 964

and J.K. Rowling, the Superbowl. These have all gotten media attention.
And they have all reached the million-mark.

I want something to reflect on while I go to bed. Ill focus on what we all

need to do. Love each other. Conquer your inner demons and find peace
from within, and do your best to help others find the same peace. I dont
need to say anything else about those things. I dont want to overdo it.

Woo-hoo! I got my new Playstation One gaming console working! I hooked

it up entirely myself. I was just playing Final Fantasy VII and Resident Evil
2 on it. One would have no idea how freaking long its been since Ive
played anything on a Playstation. Yesterday, Mom and I couldnt figure out
how to get it working, but I figured it out today. It doesnt really seem
compatible with the TV in the computer room, but it is with the one in the
living room, so thats the one I hooked it up to, switched the TV to
Playstation mode, and started playing. We were originally told by a Best
Buy employee that Playstation One isnt compatible with Playstation X
memory cartridges, but I put an PS X memory cartridge in the One system,
and it worked! So I can play from all my previously saved games on
Playstation X. This is wonderful. Eventually I will probably also buy a
Playstation 2, Xbox, and Nintendo Gamecube, but that wont be for a couple
years probably, if they still sell them at that time, that is. Right now Im
plenty satisfied simply having a Playstation One. Its portable too.

Im sure Ill probably have to make some kind of resume, no matter whether
its traditional or a web resume. It doesnt matter whether its written or an
artwork portfolio. In a way, artwork portfolios are resumes. Theyre just
visual ones rather than linguistic and literary ones. Also, the best artistic
portfolio piece is probably a finished creative project, such as a novel, short
film, or finished comic book. A countless number of creative individuals
have gotten their starts with finished creative projects that they show off and
submit to various places.

P a g e | 965

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 58

P a g e | 966

February 2002

Well, well, well. Starting a new journal file.

Everything appears to be in order. Im very happy. I have a Playstation that

works. Ive gotten my portfolio finished. Ive done a lot of writing. How
could I complain?

There have been some bands Ive become interested in during the last two
days, after I heard about them. All punk. They include NOFX, SNFU,
Scream, Mudhoney, Sticky, Tragic Mulatto, and MXPX.
Was thinking about size: It seems like the vastness of enormity doesnt seem
to end. The cosmos is the biggest thing in existence, because it is believed to
at least be many trillion times bigger than the largest star. And tiniest thing
in existence seems to be infinitely tiny. Maybe some kind of an atom or
perhaps nothingness or emptiness itself. My point is that the range of various
sizes in existence seems to be endless. Actually, now that I think about it, the
cosmos is nothingness in a way. So perhaps my theory could be that the state
of nothingness is both the largest thing and smallest thing in existence. Both
enormous and microscopic. Both the macrocosm and the microcosm. Both
the beginning and the end: existence beginning and ending in nonbeing.

My question is: Is it possible to embrace compassion and popular culture at

the same time. Im hoping the answer is yes, because thats what Im
hoping to do. Maybe Ill stop going to message boards altogether. Im
starting to hate the arrogance of many members on some message boards.
Some people on message boards simply do not know what proper spelling,
punctuation, and grammar are. It can sometimes actually be pretty irritating
to read. Fandom is so scary. Being a fan is one thing, but being obsessive
about individuals one does not even knowlet alone talk tois downright
frightening. It happens with basically any and nearly every celebrity. There

P a g e | 967

are some fans that just dont get it and go against everything the person they
admire stands for. Some fans just need to shut up. Im not sure if I want to
be a public figure. I dont know for certain whether its scary or a lot of fun.
Perhaps its both. That would be bizarre.

I probably wont write much today. Its only 4:24 p.m., and the next three or
so hours seem like a very wonderful and enticing time to get some decent
drawing done. I will however say that I did read some more out of The
Elegant Universe and Tis. Glad I got some reading done.

Was looking through some of my old song lyrics. I threw about 97% of them
away today. They were so damn gloomy and depressing. And plus Im never
going to be a musician, so it doesnt really matter. One of the song lyrics I
did keep, however, is one I liked a bit, because I thought it was creative in an
Eminem or Stephen King sort of way. It was titled No Need to Sing a Love
Song or something like that. Its not based on anything that actually
happened in my life. I kind of made the whole thing up to be creative. When
I reread it today, a thought crossed my mind that it might make a cool
character background story for a short story or comic book, like the story of
what happened to one persons parents. A boy or a girl. His or her father had
killed himself, and the girl or boys mother, who had to raise her child alone,
went through many days filled with depression and mental suffering. Just
thought Id share. The story could have moments of joy, and moments of
sadness.

My objective is to immerse myself in ambiguity and avenues of thought that

have not been traveled, and conquer them by manifesting what I believe to
be beauty in one form or another. This is not only my creative mission but
my career mission as well. Not everyone sets out to do something like this. I
also aim to make my ideas tangible. When I start workingespecially in the
last couple of weeks with my writingI dont stop until my nutshells of
ideas are completely materialized.

Was watching a Mark Twain biography on the WMFE educational channel.

It was inspiring and poignant all at the same time. Twains life was very

P a g e | 968

interesting. Mom is at a relatives house again tonight. Dad got home around
7:30 p.m. Also. I did some web design today. Today, despite all its various
idiosyncratic subtletieswhich are things that can be found in any day of
ones lifewas a normal day. Twain had a fear of becoming one of
Americas great writers, because like he said They have a tendency of
dying off. I had to chuckle at that quote. Its tone was cautious and
humorous both at the same time.

Think Im starting to understand what people mean when they say things
about the rhythm of language. What they mean when theyre talking about
such a thing are writers of rhythm like Ernest Hemingway, James Joyce,
John Steinbeck, and Gertrude Stein: Four very influential literary figures.
The thing that sets them apart is that they have their own unique styles, and
its nearly impossible to confuse one of these writers works with that of
another. They achieved their great literary effects, by writing constantly,
reading aloud what theyd written and then revising, revising, revising, then
revising some more. T.S. Eliot was a master of writing with rhythm. His
poetic sentences were so rhythmical that they actually took on a type of
magical quality, seeming almost whimsical. But how could I forget Charles
Dickens, Edgar Allen Poe, Leo Tolstoy, and Mark Twain? Then again, what
about Salinger, Orwell, H.G. Wells, and Ken Kesey? There are so many
other names, including Shakespeare, Margaret Atwood, Joyce Carol Oates,
and Robert Frost. What about Kurt Vonnegut, Douglas Adams, and Isaac
Asimov? The list of great authors is practically endless and infinite, ranging
from the dramatic to the comedic, the poignant to the scientific, and the
horrific to the philosophical and a plethora of combinations therein.

Did some drawing tonight. I think I may finally be getting back into the
swing of things.

Watched the usual amount of TV today, and about ten minutes ago I looked
through a bunch of the books I own, trying to see the various writing styles
in the books. Some were well developed and some could use some more
developing. Actually, I was hoping to watch more television today than I
didaround two hoursbut I was on the computer somewhat. Id like to
get around to reading more of my essays and journals, but Im rather busy

P a g e | 969

producing new work, so my time is kind of short for looking over my work
thats already been produced. Still, glad I was able to finally get a decent
amount of drawing done today. One mistake I made today was that I drank
way too much Diet Pepsi.

Read another chapter out of The Elegant Universe today. Posted on the Oni
board, and am planning to draw after Im done watching television
tonightIm done watching television, and may either draw very soon, or in
thirty minutesstill deciding. The thing is that Im pretty sure I wanted to
write about something, but I dont know what it is now. Maybe it was my
usual philosophizing about love, and analyzing the nature of God, and the
human will, and compassion for all sentient beings. When Im in a forum,
the people posting the other messages are just words on a screen. I try not to
equate people with names. I believe compassion transcends dogmatic law.

One person Id like to do research on is Albert Schweitzer, whos had an

entire award named after him. He was a white man that lived in the early
nineteen hundreds, who selflessly dedicated his life to helping suffering
people in Africa, and built a lot of hospitals in Africa to help injured people.
Schweitzer was one of those people who were the epitome of selflessness.
Hes one of those people we should all model our own lives after, regardless
of whatever belief system we belong to. It doesnt matter to me whether
Albert Schweitzer was a Christian or not. He was very spiritual and giving,
like the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King, Mohandas Gandhi, Mother Teresa,
and many other spiritual leaders. These are all great spiritual minds, and they
all are and all were true humanitarian visionaries. I aim to walk the spiritual
path, and hope to one day be able to fully appreciate all the things those
people have done for the sake of humanity. I have a strong feeling I will
never be as good of a human being as any of those great spiritual people. But
I will do what I know Im capable of. Living each day of my life based on
the examples they have set.

I know I want that job as an illustrator or novelist soon, but Im going to

have to wait. Im pretty sure the high-paying creative jobs wont come to me
for a while, so Ill have to make due with the situation at hand. I cant live
with Mom and Dad forever. Its just that Im not sure what I want to do or

P a g e | 970

what type of project I want to work on. And if I were, I dont think Id be
sure what kind of form Id want to do it in (realistic, obscure, comedic,
serious, etc.). It sometimes seems like Im never happy doing one singular
thing. It sometimes seems like Im happier doing a couple things at once.
That can make things hectic and confusing sometimes. Suppose it doesnt
matter if Im doing one thing or ten things. Just as long as Im creating, my
little creative spirit is satiated. I dont care about praise. I just want to create.

I feel like Ive lost some weight.

Im going to sound a little self-serving here. I guess that book I did

illustrations for really did turn out to be a success. In a way, it kind of was a
bestseller. I can tell this by its sales rank number. Ive gone to Amazon, and
have checked the sales rank of a different book on a totally different subject,
that was released in February of this year, 2002. The other books sales rank,
as of now, is #1,495,208, and this is only a couple weeks after its initial
release. It was released in March of last year, 2001. Ten and half months
later, its still kind of up there. Its currently ranked in sales at #72,721. I
dont know how many copies the book has sold, but I know its probably a
decent amount. Its not like I wrote the book, and its not like Im getting
royalties, so I suppose its not really necessary for me to know. All and all,
its not bad for my first professionally published pieces of artwork. At least
its in select bookstores, even if theyre only online. If I ever write a full-on
novel, I dont know what its sales rank will be, but even though my the first
book my work was published in is successful, Im not letting it go to my
head. If anything, I think its given me some extra confidence in my own
creative work now.

You know, Im not a celebrity, so I dont have any stalkers now, thank God.
If I ever do have a stalker, there would be no God in that situation.

Suppose I should prepare for piles of rejection letters. Pretty much every
author or artist whos starting out gets them at first, no matter how talented
you are. You just have to keep trying. Although the I wont fucking quit
until I get published by goddam Simon & Schuster or Penguin Putnam

P a g e | 971

mentality doesnt necessarily hurt either. One can use that tenacity to their
advantage.
Frank McCourt is certainly right: Fuck does basically mean hate. Right now
fuck the world. I hate it. Maybe its more productive simply to hate
everything. The compassion will come back. I just need to give it time. I just
feel angry right now. Im still Buddhist, but Buddhists are allowed to get
angry too. No one starts out being enlightened. No one is born
simultaneously disassociated from hate. Its something were born attached
to, just like the ego and consciousness. Its something we need to work at.

All you need is love. Love is all you need. I think we all know who says
that. Its just so tough to abolish the hate sometimes. In other news,
sometimes I feel like I need to work. It sometimes feels like nothing else
myself, my life, the people I speak to, my family, my career, my health
matters compared to the work, the truth, and the beauty. I seek truth. It
transcends purity if it is authentic. Yet I still feel like I need to live some
kind of a life. I keep working, but while I do this, Im still trying to figure
out just what exactly it is that Im seeking. I know its truth, but how do I
find that truth, and what does my personal truth dwell in.

Been working at this word processor for three hours now. I spend all this
time working, and what does it get me. Antagonism and rejection.

I just love the overwhelming support I get from people everywhere. Maybe a
quote from someone would do well.
I dont want to hurt JM. He has a life ahead of himSort of, He said.

Man, I am listening to Nine Inch Nails now. The live CD. I love when Trent
Reznor yells on the March of the Pigs track, All you fucking
pigsMARCH!! I want to say that to the world sometimes. Doesnt it make
you feel better.

P a g e | 972

I went to Absolute Comics. I bought three comics there. Mike Mignolas

B.P.R.D (the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense). The artwork for
that comic looks beautiful. I also bought Birds of Prey, and Gloomcookie.
They all look like entertaining comics, which is why I bought them.

I have an idea for a storyIt could be about a failed comic book creator. I
dont know if Ill ever be the next Jhonen Vasquez or Evan Dorkin. They
dont have someone whos really off the wall like Jhonen, Chynna, or
Dorkin. They dont even have someone whos more laid back, like Andi
Watson.

Im sure Ill be able to come up with something else to write about. If not,
Ill go to reading and writing some more essays. Writing essays isnt too
hard, just as long as I have a good topic to write about. Today in school, I
wrote another essay. This time about entertainment. I could have written a
lot more on that topic. Im sure later on down the road Ill go back and add
more to that one page essay. Some of my essays Ive written so far feel way
too short. I do definitely have to state the supposedly obvious and say that
there is at least one kind of entertainment thats out there for everyone. In
the world of entertainment, theres such a large variety of entertainment that
pretty much anyone can find at least one entertainment thing that theyll like.
Youll find something that entertains you at least a little bit, even if you do
have to do some searching.

You know why I like some of Linkin Parks songs? Because, despite how
popular they are, some of their members can write rap lyrics like this:
Moving all around/screaming of the ups and downs
Pollution manifested in perpetual sound.
The wheels go round and the sunset creeps past the
Street-lamps, chain-link and concrete.
A little piece of paper with a picture drawn, floats
On down the street till the wind is gone
The memory now is like the picture was then
When the papers crumpled up, it cant be perfect again.

P a g e | 973

Del Tha Funky Homosapiens hip-hop lyrics for Gorillaz are very excellent
as well, especially on Clint Eastwood.

Many, Im seriously thinking about stopping from posting on the Oni Press
board. To name one small nuisance I experienced, I was criticized by some
comic book creators for saying how I was dissatisfied about how movie
studios
market
their
simultaneously-released-with-merchandiseparaphernalia films like [name deleted] to the Academy by advertising in
publications like Animation Magazine, and a creator who shall go unnamed
basically said Duh! Of course they do. Are you going to go after Fisher
Price next for advertising in childrens magazines? And another creator
who kisses that creators ass all the time agreed with him saying he was right
as usual, then went on to make fun of my post by making it sound like I
think I know everything and I guess apparently it was intended to show me
how pretentious I am. Talk about hypocritical arrogance. Those guys are
personifications of it. I dont know everything. Not even close. But I do see
a vast difference between regular companies advertising to consumers and
movie studios advertising to Academy voters to try and get their own studio
film artistic respect, when theyre really just doing politics and trying to
get power. I thought award ceremonies were supposed to be about awarding
artistic and innovative achievementwith supreme films like The Sixth
Sense, Pulp Fiction, Spielberg films, Good Will Hunting, etc.not
marketing skills.

Ive had a bad stomachache for the last hour or so, ever since I finished
dinner. My stomach feels crampedI might not draw tonight, but Ill
probably at least try to write another essay tonight, even if my wretched
stomach wins out in the end. I did get to watch some good old Jackie Chan
Adventures, which is usually what makes my day because episodes often
have me laughing so hard. The combination of wacky characters is
something I find to be, at times, simply hilarious. Sure it doesnt make you
think too much. Its not supposed to. Its not meant to be that type of show.
Its meant to be a stupid goofy hyperactive comedy/action show, and it
succeeds at that task brilliantly, which is why I love it so much.

P a g e | 974

354

Theres a computer first person shooter game that I love. Its called HalfLife, and I still own it after all this time, but I havent played it in quite a
while.

There are times when I love being alive more than usual. Like just two or so
minutes ago. I was in my room. My cat T was sitting across the room,
sleeping. Half my body was on the bed. The upper-half. My back lied
sideways on the bed, my arms and fingers spread apart, parallel, on the
mattress like wings, while my legs bent down over the bed and my feet were
pressed against the floor. The only thing separating the skin of my feet from
the carpet was my comfortable socks. Times like these are good. I did this
while I looked through an old issue of Oni Double Feature (the one with the
Zombie Kid mini-series) and a copy of The Letters of Vincent Van Gogh,
admiring Van Goghs historic and always humble brilliance. Ill sometimes
wish moments like that one could last an eternity. But I cant grasp any of it
too tightly, for I wont be able to take it with me in the end.

I sometimes wonder why most comic books suck. The majority of comic
books are unentertaining pieces of drivel. If I did work for Marvel of DC, Id
have a hope for reviving some life and narrative energy into some old
characters that seem dull to me. Maybe work on Ghost Rider (Ive always
thought the idea of a leather jacket-wearing anti-hero guy with a flaming
skull for a head, who rides a motorcycle, seemed pretty cool. Theres
something about the visual aspect of it that seems very neat. It would make a
cool movie). I could do a re-release of Silver Surfer perhaps. Daredevil,
Thor, and Spiderman seem like pretty cool characters. Batman, Iron Man,
Fantastic Four, Captain America, or The Hulk would always seem like
characters with nice possibilities. However, a lot of these titles seem to lack
creative energy, which is one of the reasons Id like to write for titles like
those ones. I always will have a love and sympathy for the indie comic
books though. Some of them hold some real potential, although they could
stand to be much more developed. David Macks work and Frank Chos
work are brilliant and innovative at times. Perhaps it even verges on genius.
Artistically, they go far above the call of duty in my book. The thing is, I
dont plan to work exclusively in comic books. I want to do illustration,
novel writing, filmmaking, animation, and television, although I wont die of
disappointment if I never get to do all of these things. Most are lucky if they
can break through in even one of these industries. I should feel blessed if I

P a g e | 975

ever get to work in two mediums or moreIm beginning to think that even
indie entertainment panders to certain demographics of people. Im not sure
exactly what they are, but theyre probably out there

I was dealt a life-altering blow around an hour and a half ago, while I was
watching television, which started at 7:30 p.m. Mom and Dad came into
their bedroom where I was lying down on their bed, shielded by the covers
and watching TV, and they made me turn off the television set. They gave
me the news gently. I will not be going to the school I wanted for my
freshman year of college. I was rejected for my freshman year. I did not get
in. My parents told me that the school sent the letter out today. They have
reviewed my portfolio, and when my dad asked them over the phone, they
basically told him that the portfolio is not strong enough for me to get in the
first year, and that it needs some reworking, but that I should definitely
resubmit to try to get in my second year. My emotions were pretty extreme
when my parents told me. A lot of emotions went through my mind:
rejection, anger, betrayal, disappointment, despair, sadness, loss of direction.
All these feelings entered my mind when I received the news. Needless to
say, this information did not make me happy. I can still go to my second
choice, because Ive already been accepted there. But the thing is I told my
parents about how I really dont want to spend the years I live right after
high school in a tiny little dorm room at the AI. Im pretty certain Im going
to need some time to adjust. So Ive thought up a plan that Im going to try
to work out with my parents, which I already talked to Mom about a little
bit. Just because Im not going to Ringling does not mean that I cant still
get a fine education elsewhere and work my ass off anyway, to compensate
which will hopefully eventually lead to some type of work. It seems that
writing will definitely be in my future, and so will a lot of work at home.
Maybe this rejection will only make me stronger and Ill move onto
something big. Something really big, like a book, comic book, or an
animated series. Heres my possible plan: For the remainder of my high
school year and the rest of this year, I will work on the little things (i.e.
getting exercise, practicing driving, working on my anxiety, reading,
writing, improving hygiene, etc.), will relax and get back to drawing a lot,
and will definitely be taking what might be a decent amount of classes at
Crealde, to learn how to draw better and hone my skills more than theyve
been honed so far. I might even work on some storyboards, paintings,
character designs, illustrations, and comic book page layouts, in all different
mediums. This will get my skills and consistency back up. Then next year

P a g e | 976

after I graduate high school, I could probably start out smaller than full-on
moving out, and drive almost daily to Valencia and take classes there for
half a year or a year and further my education with some serious art
instruction at Valencia Community College. Then, I can reapply for the Art
Institute and by that time since Ill have had that extra time to draw, wait,
and get ready for living on my own, Ill probably be more prepared living in
a dorm with a roommate. Then I can pursue the computer animation and,
upon graduation, look for serious work, and then begin my serious career in
whatever is available and in whatever Im capable of. That extra half a year
or full year spent at home without having to go to high school might really
give me time to blossom. Ive seen some serious blossoming in my own
writing, mental strength, and social skills in the last four months alone. I
cant imagine what an entire post-high school year spent living in my
parents house would do for me. So actually, everything might very well turn
out for the better. I cant imagine how good my writing would be if I had a
whole year to fine-tune it and work at the art thing, without a major
distraction like high school.

Well, the day I received the horrible news is over, thank God. Im feeling
better somewhat and Ive had a small amount of time to distance myself
from it. This is good. I do feel somewhat better

I, I just dont know what to do. I feel lost.

I know, said Dad. Thats okay. Thats natural. Im not sure what to do
either.

My life seems to have even less direction now then it did. But thats okay.
Like Ive said, embrace the ambiguity. Find comfort in the ambiguity.

Its raining outside right now. Maybe the raining reflects my mood. Some
kind of a symbolism thing is perhaps going on here. Kill the obscurity.
Embrace the ambiguity.

P a g e | 977

Today, since I feel somewhat like I have no future, I think Ill eat food,
watch TV, sleep some, play Final Fantasy 7 on Playstation One, and read. I
dont know if Ill draw or write essays. I still want to write that essay on
anxiety. Of course Ill write in this journal some. This moment will be a part
of the history of my life. I cant miss out on that. So Im not going to any of
my top choices. [Obviously, college is not for me] I guess this means that
Im going to have to make the best out of what I have and cross my fingers
for it to turn out well. I have to hold on to my abilities and what I have left.
Ill move on eventually. Im more certain of that now. Im going to have to
move on. When I was eating breakfast I felt like I was going to cry with
Mom sitting there across the table from me. I didnt though. I held it back.
These last 20 or so hours have been very difficult

I did play Final Fantasy 7 a little bit. Aside from that I was watching
television. I was watching an amazing old movie on the Sci-Fi Channel. Its
become my first experience watching a Vincent Price movie. Its called The
Last Man on Earth. He was a brilliant actor while he was alive, and hes got
the creepiest laugh. Theres something about his acting that makes his
performances seem magical. I can also seeto a certain extentVincent
Prices influence on Stephen King and Tim Burton. He (Price) also has an
influence on me now. Im so envious of Burton for actually getting the
opportunity to know Vincent Price during Prices last years in this mortal
lifetime. The Last Man on Earth is movie magic. Creepy movie magic, but
thats fine. Theres something about that movie which drew me in. It was so
good it made me want to cry I was so happy. Genius. Thats all I can think to
say. Price is a now-deceased legend, like Norman Rockwell and Ernest
Hemingway. These are all geniuses that basically did one thing and did it
extremely well. So brilliantly that they were pretty much the best in the
world at what they did for a certain amount of timeOh well. At least Ive
found something to cheer me up: Vincent Price movies. I think well also be
ordering some food for dinner tonight. So in a way, today has been both
good and bad at the same time.

Ive been thinking about that term, formless actuality. I like it. Formless.
Actuality. Formless actuality. Lao Tzu discovered it, in his humility and
brilliance. But, as far as God goes, for a long time now, Ive questioned the
traditional god. If there is a God, why is it considered irrefutable
knowledge by so many that he is, in fact, male and does, in fact, exist in a

P a g e | 978

form that in any way resembles the body of a human, simply because thats
how God is portrayed in the Bible (which is one of the most untrustworthy
books of all)? Why is this, in the opinion of some, not open to scrutiny
simply because its been a cherished belief across the world for so many
years? I dont accept this because the keeping of slaves was an accepted
standard by the confederates and many in the early American colonies. And
the Nazis considered the elimination of the entire Jewish race acceptable, but
now the Nazis are considered evil by the majority of people (Christians and
Catholics included). Im not necessarily saying that the Christian God is evil.
Im just saying that theres a good chance that the logic that goes behind
believing in this God is false. Just because something is publicly accepted
during a certain zeitgeist does not automatically mean it is correct and
irrefutable. Or at least this is the way I see it. Something tells me this is the
same way Charles Darwin thought, and look how controversial Darwin and
the concept of evolution have become. If there is an anthropocentric God
be it the Christian God, Gaia, or AllahI pray to him or her that my theories
will not end up the same way and draw people apart in the same way. I do
however know that Im much happier than Darwin ever was, because he was
a greater genius than Ill ever be, which is part of the reason he was more
miserable than I ever have been. Most atheists are not very happy, most
likely because theyre in the minority and theyre often misunderstood by
theists, not necessarily because theres an absence of God, even if there is.

Will probably be reading very soon. I dont know how Im going to get
through this day. It has been hard.

I have a theory about the masters of western art and literature. The geniuses.
I think theres a secret behind people like da Vinci, Michelangelo, Rubens,
Degas, Van Gogh, Monet, Picasso, Dali, John Singer Sargent, Frank Cho,
Robert Crumb, Rockwell, Cornwell, Gorey, Hiroaki Samura, Immanuel
Kant, Jean-Paul Sartre, Mark Twain, Mozart, Beethoven, Charles Dickens,
Stephen King, Spielberg, Todd McFarlane, The Beatles, Ken Wilber, Neil
Gaiman, Alan Moore, Katsuhiro Otomo, Mamoru Oshii, Kurosawa, Will
Eisner, Isaac Asimov, Charles M. Shultz, Walt Disney, Chuck Jones,
Kubrick, Ray Bradbury, John Lasseter, Hemingway, John Steinbeck, Joyce
Carrol Oates, Edgar Allen Poe, Leo Tolstoy, the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa,
and Gandhi. Masters of the spiritual, literary, artistic, creative, and
leadership domains. Actually its not much of a secret. But there is

P a g e | 979

something that separates these masters from your average creative person. I
dont think talent is everything. A lot of hard work goes a long way. I
honestly think that the only thing separating an amateur from a brilliant
widely revered master is nothing more than a tenacity and devotion for the
work, and a lot of time spent honing their craft. The latter party has this
specific trait. The formerdoes not. The only thing stopping one from
becoming a master of what they pursue is lack of hard work and
determination, as well as lack of tenacity for the work.

Mom, Dad, and I had Pizza Hut for dinner. I got to have a Pzone. Not bad.
Not bad at all. Very good. It was like a whole meat-filled pizza crammed
into a single two-piece pocket. Its cheese made it taste kind of like the Pizza
Hut stuffed crust.

Just got done watching the movie Shrek on DVD with Dad. It was actually
very good. Much better than I expected. I can kind of see why it made so
much money. Now that Ive seen another movie, and it was good but I dont
have a concrete sense of my future, I want to kill time by going on a moviewatching spree. Chicken Run is next on my list. That Pzone made me so
full. Now that Im indulged in entertainment a littlehey, eating good food
can be entertainment, tooI can kind of feel the stab in my heart, the deep
disappointment, and the suffering subside little by little, day by day. Im
going to have to get rid of this slump little by little. I cant eliminate it all at
once. Its too painful. Despite the pain, I still believe everything will turn out
all right when its all over and done with. It will justbe different than I
expected. Maybe listening to The Beatles will cheer me up. Why cant
things be simpler, like they were some months ago?
You may say Im a dreamer.
But Im not the only one
I hope some day youll join us.
And the world will be as one.
John Lennon
Imagine

P a g e | 980

Apparently Ill be finishing off this journal file by the end of tonight when I
go to bed. I think Ill go read through some of my essays.

P a g e | 981

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 59

P a g e | 982

February 2002
Was watching a program on the PBS channel. It was on advanced English
composition. I learned some valuable things about writing essays. Things
such as deciding what type of essay Im writing. Most of the time, a person
will write either an argumentative essay or a thesis. I picked up a few main
points. Avoid having an emotive tone. If youre going to persuade someone
to believe your point of view, its all right to show the point of view of the
opposing party, but be sure to at least attempt to prove why you think it is
wrong. Display the other point of view to show that it is wrong. Do not
sound indecisive. Be sure to use transitional devices. These points of advice
will be useful for my own writing. Thats about all that I really took into
consideration. The rest was things that I already seem to be applying to my
work nearly all the time because I probably picked them up subconsciously.

Im trying to think of the accomplishments Ive done in the past, which I can
do again in the future, only more professionally next time around. Lets see.
Ive done the following things: Created a comic book that was written and
drawn by myself. Did illustrations for signs and a book. Wrote some scripts.
Made a demo tape of my drumming. Created an idea for multiple animated
series. Learned to use charcoal and did a charcoal portrait illustration. Wrote
short stories, essays, poems, and song lyrics. Made a mini animated film.
Called radio talk shows multiple times. Created my own personal webpages
and website by writing HTML. Lost weight.

Should think of something else to write about. Or perhaps Ill go write

instead. That would be nice.

P a g e | 983

Holy crap. I just actually got some stuff done. One will be beneficial to my
future. One was just for fun. The first thing I did was listening to side two of
the first anxiety tape. Im learning a lot of new things about anxiety. They
will be very useful for the future. Ive learned that often, the condition of
anxiety is correlated with something the individual feels they need. Some
actually mistake anxiety as an integral part of the self, when it is really
simply exaggerated perception or a feeling that is similar to helplessness or
fear. Often if someone tries to give up anxiety, it will often make one feel
like theyd have to give up something they associate it to. I think Ive
figured out what mine is. Its sympathy for people that get harassed, verbally
mocked, looked at funny, stared at, hated, and misunderstood.

The other thing I didwhich is an extremely rare incident nowadayswas

play my drum set some.

Now the only other things Im really planning on doing today are reading
and watching Chicken Run with Dad. Perhaps I can also draw and read one
of my newer journal files today.

Actually, I forgot to mention that around the time I was listening to the
anxiety tape and playing drums, before that, I also meditated and read
through some of my essays that Ive already written. The meditation felt
very good, like it just sped up my journey towards enlightenmentIts only
4:32. Might as well make the best of my time. Im considering it all:
Reading, drawing, writing more essays. Perhaps all of these things.

Actually got some things done today. Did not draw and have not written
another essay yet, but I did do some other things. Got some exercise. And,
read some more out of one of my books, The Elegant Universe. Would have
read some of the other ones as well, but I got bored. Might go back and read
some more after Ive written in this journal a little bit though. Ive come up
with two ideas for some stories. One is about a celebrity stalker, and a
celebritys confrontation with him. The other is about a person whose
favorite show gets canceled, but they try to take what would possibly be
some extreme measures to do something about it.

P a g e | 984

Just got done watching Chicken Run with Dad. Its an amazing movie. And
when one tries to comprehend the sheer massiveness of the technicality
behind that Claymation film, it really blows your mind. Nick Park must be
very proud of his work, but in a good way.
Its Sunday. Ill be returning to high school once again tomorrowNow that
I think about it, there are many advantages that go along with working in a
creative collaboration or on a creative team, like when youre directing an
animation staff or a film crew. Chances are that when you work in the
entertainment industry, if youre working with a decent staff, theres a good
chance youll be working with some extremely brilliant individuals. For me,
its kind of tough to see a negative in that, when one views it that particular
way. Even if you work with people, that are tough to work with, the finished
product will often be very worth the effort. Even if youre working by
yourself, the final product is still often worth the effort. All these years of art
instruction and writing in these journals will pay off one day. I can fucking
sense it. Im getting a little premonition thats telling me, Keep at it! It will
pay off in the end. Perhaps the voice is right. Right now Im just telling
myself to have faith in it and trust it. Sometimes premonitions lie, and
sometimes they do not.

Taking deep breaths. Maybe theyll clear my mind of all polluted thoughts.
Wouldnt that be nice. A breath of purity cleansing a mind of filthiness and
impurity. I like the way that sounds. It sounds celestial, in a way. Today has
been a good day, despite the horror of the whole recent situation. Ive been
working hard at doing things today, and this journal and the anxiety. At least
Im working hard at something. Its better than working at nothing. Its a
good thing however that I wasnt on the computer all day today. I was only
on for a short amount of time.

The colors of this room, the computer room, are so light for the most part. It
seems that as long as the light is on, it is eternally day: A daytime that never
ends. What would it be like to live in a world where it was only day, and it
never got dark? Would you be able to sleep? Would you sleep? Would the
temperature ever get very cold? Would the color black exist? So many
questions can come out of this single concept. Maybe a planet like this

P a g e | 985

already exists somewhere in the depths of the cosmos, that has so many suns
around it that it never gets dark. Of course. Why didnt I see it earlier? The
people and various beings on that planet do not know what nighttime is, nor
do they know of darkness. Of course its all symbolic. That race of beings
does not know darkness, because they dont know of evil acts and sin. They
only know of light and goodness. Of nobility and compassion. They only
know of good, not evil. I want to live on that planet. It would be boring, but
still better than living here. Of course.

I think Ill be going to bed soon. Some sleep would be very much
appreciated.

If I cant think of much to write about in the next hour or two while Ill be
on and off this computer, Ill move on to working on some new essays or
reading.

I love classical music. Its such a wonderful, atmospheric art form.

One has to wonder that if this little old journal of mine is in fact published
posthumously, and it becomes popular somewhat and sells a decent amount
of copies, will that in turn cause many other Joseph wannabes to also work
on journals during their lives and try to publish their journals and essays as
well. I dont know. Chances are no one will until after my death. I think
theres a chance of this, except it scares me to think that other people could
be more self-important, less clever, and less thoughtful, but still want to try
and achieve the same goal. Im not the best there is by any means. But the
thought that there are others who are worse, but would nonetheless try to
same stunt is frightening to me. And if these journals and essays never do
see the light of publication, hey, I why should I care? Ill be dead and most
likely living in another lifetime after a rebirth, unaware of my previous life. I
think it all depends on how much spiritual progress is made.

This is good. Things are getting better. I finished writing the essay on
anxiety probably about twenty or so minutes ago, and am planning on

P a g e | 986

writing some more some time during today. The anxiety essay turned out
good, and I actually did some real research on this one. I looked at some of
the notes I have that came along with that anxiety tape. That essay, titled
Anxiety, was probably written for myself and anyone else who has suffered
from anxiety, which is basically a lot of people.
Im sitting here in this chair, ready to be creative, but no significant or
creative thoughts are floating into my head. My brain is like a satellite that
transmits (to a blank page) and receives (from I dont know where) thoughts
and images. My receiver has been activated, but I guess there are no waves
coming right now. My creativity usually works like this when Im sitting in
a chair of some kind. The thoughts come and go. The right side of my brain
goes on and off, on and off, on and off. Maybe I should be sitting near my
drawing desk, so that if the signals do come, theyll become manifest
through my hand and the pencil Im holding onto a piece of animation paper,
like in the past. That would certainly be nice. Suppose I could do that later
today. Its almost 2 p.m. in the afternoon right now. Ive been considering
watching the movie Shrek for a second time sometime today.

There are a lot of slackers/dilettantes out there who are disguised as writers
and artists, who dont know shit. But the worst part is, not only that, but they
dont do shit either, yet expect to make careers out of not doing shit and
not really knowing shit either. Those people need the cold, harsh news the
most. You dont get anywhere by spending your time doing nothing. You
cant make a career out of that. Man, fuck them. No one gets anywhere in
the entertainment industry by slacking off and boasting. If everyone in the
industry slacked off, there would be no entertainment products to purchase!
But there are things to purchase, which means there are obviously creative
people working their asses off left and right, up and down, day and night.

Some new contemplative theories would be good right about now. Perhaps I
could just tweak preexisting ones. I like the societal osmosis theory, the one
about defining spirituality, and some other ones, like my theory about
simplicity. These theories would not make good books by themselves, but
they do make for interesting short form essays. Who knows? Maybe some
time in the future, when Im not busy doing a lot of other things, with a bit
of research, I might even be able to turn some of my one-page essays into
ten or twenty page essays. I think I have at least forty, fifty or one hundred

P a g e | 987

more topics that I havent written essays about yet. I dont know how many
essays Ive specifically written yet. Id pretty much only counted the number
of pages Id written at a certain point in time. Been thinking about reading
some books on the human mind, to study consciousness and perception. I
already have one book on consciousness: The Origin and History of
Consciousness, by some old author whose name I dont remember. I just
remember that I believe I either got it as a birthday or Christmas present. I
could be wrong. It could have been a Chanukah present. Theres another
good topic: Being able to celebrate Chanukah and Christmas. There have
already been a lot of animation scripts written about that very subject.

Before I get to work on another essay, I think I should state that Ive done
pretty much nothing today. I do have Weezer playing on my portable Sony
Discman right now though: The Pinkerton album.

I hate to say this, but comics, for the most part are things I dont find as
enjoyable as some other kinds of entertainment. Theyre not that as well
drawn as some other kinds of art much of the time, and none of them are
anywhere near as funny as a shows like Frasier, Invader ZIM, and Seinfeld,
and theyre not even close to being as entertaining as movies like Pulp
Fiction, Contact, or The Sixth Sense. And many comic books, by any
company, dont come anywhere close to being as deep as a Nobel Prize or
Pulitzer Prize winning book, or a Ken Wilber book. Alan Moore comics do
sometimes, but they still dont go all the way. Promethea is probably
Moores deepest and best title to date, but it still doesnt cut the mustard as
well as Ken Wilber or Gao Xingjians literary work.

Wrote another essay earlier today, this time on the economy, and I also work
on the web design and did my web resume.

Man, a lot of writing has happenedwhich Im responsible forin the last

five or six months. I dont have the precise number for sure yet, but I do
know that in the last six months Ive done over 600 pages of writing of
various kinds. Thats more than half way to 1,000 pages in less than half a

P a g e | 988

year. Its not bad. Kind of makes me feel better and helps to work against the
feeling of rejection Ringling has given me.

Was reading bits and pieces out of that book Thunder and Lightning by
Natalie Goldberg, which is a writing instruction book. Also, Mrs. Toner
finally allowed me to take home that creative writing book Im working out
of, Writing the Natural Way, so that now I can do some self-imposed
homework out of it.

When Im searching for a setting that a book takes place in, I need not do
anything more than simply walk outside of my parents house and around
my yard, glance around the neighborhood and taste the cool, brisk air and
simply acknowledge that I need not look further for a setting to have my
novel or short story plot to take place in. The beauty and brilliance of my
own home or wherever I live at the moment should serve as inspiration
enough. It makes a good setting for a suburban story, be it normal events or
paranormal events. What matters isnt where you are. What really matters is
how willing and able you are to observe your surroundings, and portray
them colorfully, and vividly, and with a lucid literary voice, even if you
dont like your current location. Its a shame I didnt realize this earlier. Ive
found that often, if I dont like my locale that I exist in for real, Ill often try
to let that serve as an excuse for me to not write about it. Thats bullshit. The
only thing holding me back from creating great pieces of work is myself,
and my own mind. The only limit is myself, and once I can transcend my
troublesome self, I can easily reach a new plateau.

Will probably be working on web design today. Should be finishing it up

pretty soon.

Have to get to working on the things pretty soon. I feel like I dont really
have anything else to say in this journal for today.

P a g e | 989

I actually did read some of True at First Light earlier this evening, and its
taught me some valuable things about quotation punctuation and about
where to place the commas and periods within the quotes. And between 8:14
p.m. (now) and 10 oclock (the time I usually go to bed), Im planning on
reading some of Tis, The Elegant Universe, and Writing the Natural Way, if
I have time for the third and second ones. I might even do some of the
exercises out of Writing if I have time before bed.
Read some out of Tis and The Elegant Universe. Didnt have time for the
writing book.

Heres a question: What color is nothingness? Does nothingness have a

color, of any sort? And Ive also been pondering over the concept of whether
or not the fabric of space can tear and repair itself. This is been discussed in
books, but I find it very interesting as well.

There are certain slang words that young people seem to use a lot today.
Words like psycho, retard, gay, freak, childish, and yank or
Yankee doodle which is a term Brits use as a derogatory remark about
Americans. Limey and git are derogatory remarks people use when they
refer to the British.

So overall, for today Im actually feeling pretty good. Very good,

considering my situation. I feel more comfortable now that I know Ill most
likely be able to spend an extra year at home to go to Valencia Community
College and be able to work on developing my driving skills and
independence.

I think one of the greatest honors that could be bestowed upon me would
have to be becoming recognized as a great storyteller, either a national one
or world one like Margaret Atwood. A lot of Americas greatest storytellers
are also the worlds greatest storytellers, such as Stephen King and
Hemingway. Id like to say, Thats what I want to do when Im a full on
adult and at the zenith of my career, but theres no way to predict if that
would be what Id end up doing or not. I want to be a great storyteller, but I

P a g e | 990

cant predict if the world will call me a great storyteller. No writer can
before they start their career. You simply have to work hard and hope for the
best. Right now, Im influenced by Brian Greenes scientific writing. Im
also influenced by the writings of Ken Wilber, Frank McCourt, and
Hemingway. These are my current greatest influences because right now, at
this moment its what Im reading. Im usually most inspired by what Im
reading at the moment. I also plan to do a decent amount of reading today. I
read a lot yesterday at home and had a lot of fun doing it. So I want to read
some more today, though Im still recuperating from the pain I feel caused
by rejection.

Philosophy, meditation, and physics are always good. They make a good
combination. A lot of what theyre comprised of seems to fuel some of my
creativity. That and videogames and cartoons and caffeine.

I dont think Ill ever grow up. And if I ever do, I dont think it will be
anytime soon. Im still very much a kid at heart. I have that childhood joy
and exuberance. Sure I have to do more adult things that I did, but so does
everyone. Weor at least most of ushave to work to support our
ambitions and ourselves, have to maintain healthy relationships, have to face
getting older and, eventually, dieing. In other words, we all eventually have
to learn how to be or become adults in one way or another, in order to be
functioning members of the real world. Not all of us can pursue our dreams
so easily. It often takes sacrifice. Ive had to have a lot of tenacity simply to
do as much writing and drawing as I do. Ive had to stay at the drawing table
and the word processor, even when Im not inspired. Actually, Ill often
produce my best work when Im not inspired, but have forced myself to do
the work. I kind of view it as a very enjoyable day job. Id rather view it as a
recreational day job than an obsessive hobby. I view the former as a better
contributor to my sanity, though I used to view creative work as the latter
instead. But then again, thats when I was making that crappy cartoonylooking comic book, Zounds!, about the alien who works for the F.B.I.. Ive
definitely matured since then, and thank God for that. The difference is that
now I can actually draw well. Dont know about the writing. Id like to say
its good, but Im often a bad judge of my own work.

P a g e | 991

In a way, I do kind of function like a one-man army. Im able to produce a

decent amount of work. I believe I do produce more than you typical
singular person does, or at least Id like to think so. Brian Michael Bendis
can sort of function like that. He writes around 5 titles a month. So does
Alan Moore. Im not sure how though. Id like to write that many comic
books per month, but I suppose you kind of have to work up to that kind of
level. One does not start out prolific. One becomes prolific. Im not there
yet, but theres a good chance Im on my way.

Ive been thinking about purchasing a book, which contains some of the
writings of T.S. Eliot. Id like to get a better sense of how much of a genius
he was when it came to literary rhythm. Ive read some of his writing, and
its quite brilliant. More brilliant than my writing. Thats for sure.

Will probably read a book or two fairly soon. Might even do it nowbut
first: Ive found a wonderful research website on the Internet. It has an
enormous database of various articles that a visitor to the site can look up, in
what seems like an endless number of subjects. The URL is
www.findarticles.com, and its a great site. Very informative.

Thats interesting. I guess now that I think about it, there doesnt really seem
to be all that much of a conflict or antagonism between high art and
commercial art in America. Sure theres a lot of tasteless entertainment in
pop culture, but theres also a lot of artistic experimentation going on, in
nearly every medium. In film, in animation, in music, in television, in comic
books, and in the literary marketplace. I guess its just that the trash is more
noticeable in the marketplace than the more artsy things

Did some things today: Listened to the first side of the second anxiety tape.
And read some more out of my Hemingway book. Exercised as well, and
watched a little bit of TV. Now Im just looking for something new to write
about.

P a g e | 992

Been thinking about the psychological aspects of people. About a couple

main traits that youll find in many people: Such as how usually a person
will have a much easier time seeing bad habits and flaws in other people
before he or she sees flaws in their self. Another is how were most resistant
to take crucial steps that are intended to benefit us the most. My anxiety
seems to be one of those things, but Im working on it. Also, people fear
change, but thats a rather large clich. Id rather go with something less
than obvious, but speaking of less than, Im less than inspire to write in
this journal now when I could be reading a good book. It used to be the other
way around, but Ive written a lot in the last half a year, and Im starting to
see a shift in perspective on my behalf. Am also going to have to make that
anxiety list, which will include people, places, situations, and things that
give me anxiety. That way, if I can pinpoint the anxiety-causers in my life, I
think Ill have an easier time combating them. Im thinking that if I can
overcome my own personal anxiety, out of compassion, it will be my hope
that, hopefully, it might inspire others to overcome their anxieties as well, in
whatever forms the anxieties of other may exist. Maybe when Im 40 or 50,
this journal will tell the events of a success story after all.

So I have a couple new creative ideas. I can think of six of them off the top
of my head: The one about the guy who finds the decapitated head in his
trunk. The story about the man who can predict the weather. The diary plot.
The haunted space station. The man who lost his job at the airport. The story
of a tabloid reporter. These are just the new ones. Im sure these nucleuses
of ideas could use some good old-fashioned tweaking and clustering. I like
these ideas so far. Theres also that idea I came up with in the car on the way
home from Beths. I cant believe Ive come up with that many new ideas.

Right now, Im going to watch some more TV, read some, and listen to
another part of one of the anxiety tapes.

Our next-door neighbor, Judy McCullough, was having chest pains this
morning. Theres a good possibility it was a heart attack. Oh God, Im
worried. Shes lived next door before and ever since we moved into this
house. My brother got her in one of her cars next door while she had the
pains, and drove her to the emergency room of a local hospital, at top speed

P a g e | 993

while speeding through traffic. Judy passed out in the car multiple times. I
was at school when this happened, but I found out about it when I got home
today. My brother is really a wonderful human being, despite his big mouth.
He may very well have saved Judys life if it turns out she actually did have
a heart attack. Andrew does say some horrible things sometimes to people
mostly Mom and Dad, but the best bet would be that the majority of it is
just talk. Hes being a man as he calls it. I appreciate moments like this
one, because its moments like this that give me the opportunity to write nice
things about him. I hate writing all negative things about my brother, or
anyone for that matter. Thats not fair. Hes a better person than that, and
deserves a better J.M.-literary interpretation than that. If this journal ends up
getting discovered, and Andrew is alive a lot longer than me, I dont want to
see him get a public reputation like that: The bad kind. I love my brother,
and I dont want him having a bad public interpretation. He says some stupid
things, but we all do from time to time. Just last night he cooked and cut a
whole miniature frozen pizza for me, probably out of sympathy because of
the letter I received. I appreciate things like that. Its things like that that
make me proud to have him as a brother and human being who shares
simultaneous residence with the family in this house.

A while ago I said I thought I might like the rap duo OutKast. Now I
definitely know I like their music. Their new single, The Whole World, is
wonderful, and I got to borrow the Stankonia album from one of my
classmates and listen to it. I really enjoyed it and plan to eventually buy that
and one or two of the albums that have been released by Eminem so far. I
like the way Eminem composes his lyrics and beats. Nevermind their
irreverence. I barely pay attention to that aspect of them at all. He composes
his songs very well, and the creativity on some of the tracks is brilliant.
OutKast and Eminem are both Grammy goldenboys.

Its kind of tough to define my various theories. I try not to confine them too
much to categories. I like to call them Inquiries into Truth. I do kind of study
various subjects recreationally, including popular culture and business, and
various authors who write in different subjects. I take influence from all
kinds of different subjects: Entertainment, literature, philosophy, physics,
mysticism, ecology, art, film, eastern wisdom and religion, and psychology.
I try my best to transcend boundaries, both categorical and mental. My
essays sometimes seem like they exist in their own little phantom dimension,

P a g e | 994

which in my view is a good thing. Thats kind of what Im aiming for. I

cant even imagine what a novel Id write would end up being like. Its
tough for me to think that an actual Floridian is writing this, and the even
more shocking part is that the one writing it is myself. Why couldnt
someone else write these things? Im too idiotic. There are other intellectuals
who deserve to write these things instead of me, and Im sure theres plenty
who could write them far better, if only they had the same ideas. Its all kind
of peculiar.

I did not know that T.S. Eliot won the Nobel Prize for literature a long time
ago. I knew he was a great writer/poet, but I didnt know he was that good.

Philosophy, in a way, is a linguistic puzzle. We can better understand what a

thing means if we can completely understand the meaning of the word that
defines it. Im sounding kind of like Wittgenstein here, but his theories were
wonderful and pragmatic. Why cant philosophy be comprised of linguistic
puzzles and applicability to the real world? Why cant it solve the enigma of
existence and apply towards physically helping the real world? Why did
Wittgenstein and Karl Popper have to disagree? Why do the two
interpretations of philosophical enquiry have to antagonize each other (kind
of like science and religion)? So many questions. Such a short amount of
time to live and ask them. Im not a Ph.D of philosophy, but that doesnt
mean I cant do my own recreational studying of philosophy, read
philosophy books, and come up with my own philosophical theories. Moby
was a major in philosophy in college and is now a musician, but his essays
he included on the Play album are not all that impressive when compared to
something such as a Jean-Paul Sartre or Nietzsche book. Some of them come
off as pretentious and superficial, and to me the veganism ones and the ones
about denouncing hateful Christians seem like that to me. To me, he comes
off as saying, Look at me. Im extra special because I dont kill animals, or
at least I choose not to indulge in products made from dead animals.

Theres just something about that tone that, to me, comes off as self-serving,
egotistical, and pretentious. Its like he knows that he sounds like he thinks
hes holier than thou, but he publishes his essays on his CD and puts them in
the spotlight anyway. Thats just me though. Others may think him a genius.

P a g e | 995

I think I used to, until I saw through his shtick. I might one day come across
to other people the same way Moby comes across to me now. He did sell
out after all, but not really. I dont really view what he did as selling out.
All he did was, one, two, or three years ago, market his Play album to
various forms of media, to what seems like an immortal extent, which was
an ingenious marketing and commercial strategy. Thus this strategy made
his most popular album go multi-platinum, whenif he would not have
licensed so many of the songs on that albumit would not have even gone
platinum once, or perhaps it wouldnt have even reached gold status. I view
what Moby did as simply brilliant. I dont view it as a crime. He has donated
a lot of money to charities, so at least hes making some use of the money.
He is a big international celebrity now, and I definitely think thats cool. I
still admire his massive musical talent, even if I dont like his essays
entirely.

As human beings, we constantly wonder where to draw the line. I wonder

where to draw the line about my heritage. As an American, am I a
Northerner, or a Southerner? The thing is that I was born in Michigan, but I
grew in and was raised in Florida, and will probably be going to College in
Florida as well. I dont even remember Michigan and I have no idea what
its really like there. So am I a Northerner based on where I was born, where
my biological mother gave birth to me? Or am I a Southerner, based on
where my adoptive parents have raised me, where Ive grown up, and where
all my childhood and teenage memories took place in? Thats a tough
question. Might not really need to answer that, but in a way, I want to.
Confusing! This probably explains why I never intentionally think in terms
of categories.

The new Rolling Stone came in the mail today. This one had Linkin Park on
the cover. Great issue if I can say so. It had Linkin Park as the cover story. A
very cool article. I didnt know that the rapper of the group, Mike Shinoda
went to an art and design school for college (I dont remember where it said
specifically), and helped to design the cover art for the Hybrid Theory
album. The article also serves as further proof for Thomas J. Stanleys
millionaire theory. The lead singer, Chester himself said that they had to
work their asses off, have a good work ethic, and not give up in order to
get as far as they have. Hybrid Theory was the best-selling band album of

P a g e | 996

last year, and has sold 6 million copies domestically, and a combined 11
million copies worldwide.

The issue also had another interesting mini-article about the Nine Inch Nails:
And All That Could Have Been signing at the Virgin Megastore. It was
mentioned Trent Reznor talking about how he had just met the tenth person
at his signing, who walked up to him and told him he had saved their life, by
stopping them from committing suicideWouldnt it be nice to be as in
demand as Chester, Mike Shinoda, or Trent Reznor, or to be as powerful?
That certainly would be nice. Now its time to start thinking realistically
again. I doubt Ill be in demand anytime soon, except with my family.

I think getting done writing this page will pretty much finish this journal file
off. That would certainly be nice. Its nice when I get to have the feeling that
Ive finished another journal file. Im not exactly sure why Im so drawn to
write in this journal and am so compelled to keep doing it. Probably for at
least three reasons: Reason
A) Because I enjoy the act of writing.
B) Because I enjoy reading my writing.
And
C) I can track my mental progress. These are the main things I enjoy this
journal for.

I think Im still interested in filmmaking. Definitely. When you get right

down to it, in the entertainment business, theres a lot of money to be made.
Theres a lot of money to be made in making comic books, but if you want
to step back and see the whole picture, theres a lot more money to be made
in the fiction novel market. Id have a better chance of making a living with
writing novels, illustrating, writing for television, or making film. I dont
know how much money Ill make in the future. Theres no way to predict
how valuable Ill be viewed as by a company or studio. Im not worried
about making money off of my fiction. Thats only after I actually have

P a g e | 997

something to submit to agents when Ive written some novels and short
stories. But long before then, Im going to have to focus on getting back to
drawing, because thats what Im going to have to make some kind of a
career out of first (Traditional animation, illustration, computer animation,
etc.) Then Im going to move on to attempting to write professionally in one
way or another. I think the whole rejection-from-Ringling thing has hurt my
ego, to be frank. Im going to have to get back into it. I know I feel
discouraged about it, but Im going to have to dive into it soon, or Ill just
keep waiting and waiting, and waiting.

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 60

P a g e | 998

February 2002

Dear God! I feel sick to my stomach, especially when I looked at the news
today. Chuck Jones has died. I was reading some online news website,
abcnews.com,
epthreinttgy, mauncdh Irurienaedd tm
hey dhaeyad.lIinceantCbaertlioeovne
Legend Chuck cnn.com,
Jones Diesor Tsohm
athe
it. I was going around thinking
still had so many more
years left, despite
his age. He was one of the people I respected the most in a creative and
artistic sense. He, for a while, has been one of my biggest artistic influences.
I own that autobiography written by him, Chuck Amuck, but have not read it
yet. Maybe the fact, that I wont get to read his book while hes alive, exists
for a reason. I will always remember 2002 as the year Chuck Jones passed
away. This makes me so sad. I needed to pay my respects somehow, and I
guess Im doing it in this journal. The world just got a little less funny and a
little less cheerful today. Whos next, the Dalai Lama?! God I hope not.
Anyway. Chuck Jones deathwhat a weird way to start off a new journal,
and a Saturday morning for that matter. Chuck Jones died either right before
or on the day thats known all across America as having a reputation for
showing a lot of good cartoons in the morning, or at least it used to. That
was one of my favorite things to do after a busy middle or elementary school
week was over and done with. Hunker down on a couch or beanbag, and rot
my brain on Eek the Cat, Darkwing Duck, and Bobbys World, among
others. Maybe have some smores Pop-Tarts too.
My brothers reaction: Who the hell is Chuck Jones?!
I guess my final word on this subject is:

CHUCKJONES:ANIMATIONLEGENDANDGENIUS.
1912-2002

P a g e | 999

Heres an idea. What about zombie physicists? Undead people who try to
figure out the underworkings of relativity and quantum mechanics. Now that
would be mixing science and the paranormal. Perhaps I could make a
pseudo-story that Id write about such a topic. Trying to figure out a story
that involves the aforementioned idea. It could go like this: Youre working
as a physicist in a lab with coworkers. You make friends with one coworker,
but they exhibit some bizarre behaviors and whatnot. You suspect
somethings wrong. You eventually go over to this persons house, and
discover his secret. That one or two months ago, he was buried in the
cemetery thats about a mile away from where you live. You find out hes
one of the undead. What do you do now? What would you do with a friend
who turns out to be a walking corpse that wants to feed on your brain? This
has nothing to do with the part where I talked about Chuck Jones and my
sadness surrounding his death. I dont want to talk about a Chuck Jones
zombie. He deserves to rest in peace. He is a fallen angel, and he doesnt
need the disrespect of a made-up zombie story about him that was written by
myself, so Im making it about physicists instead. See how it is? This is the
curse of being creative. Do you see? See my sick mind at work?

Technically, I am homeless. Im eighteen years old. Thats old enough to

live on my own, get a job, and live in an apartment or something and be all
miserable and shit. I prefer to be a happy and blithering homeless person
though.

Today, for the rest of today, I plan on doing nothing more than reading and
sleeping.

There are a lot of people who want creative jobs and who want to do
something they love for a living. Its very possible to do something you love,
and do it for a living, but only if youre willing to work your ass off, bust
your ass big time, and be willing to accept that even if you do get to do a
thing you love, theres still going to be a lot of frustration, hardship, and
bullshit that will invariably go with it. Ive learned that from professionals
who both get to do things they love for a living: My ex-teacher, and Jamie S.
Rich from Oni Press. I completely believe them on this, and Im willing to
accept hardship, boredom, frustration, and hard work. Already work my ass

P a g e | 1000

off on this journal and the essays. I just need to do the same at the drawing,
meditation, and school. I think its probably been two months or more since
I last drew, and Im deeply disappointed by that, but theres really only one
way to make up for it. Get back into it. As soon as possible.

Planning on reading and drawing today. Let me think for a minuteWhat

exactly is it that stops me from drawing every time I want to but end up not
doing so? What mental trigger always stops me? Its only writing on the
computer for an hour or so. Ill save it for the evening. I wont get tired.
Youre wrong, you JM motherfucker. Motherfucker, youre wrong. If Im
not drawing by 2:30 or 3:00, Ill do my best to write down the thoughts Ill
have at that the moment I try to make myself back out of it. Perhaps this will
help. Im really counting on it. I really, really want to get back to drawing,
and it needs to be today. I think my main problem is that I stay on the
computer and waste time for longer than I need to, usually either writing in
my journal about how Im cant think of anything to write about, or going
back again and again to the side7.com website, to do nothing more than look
at the artwork of people who draw worse than I do. Talk about arrogant. And
whenever my family tries to point out my flaws or try to get me on the right
track by telling me the right things to do, I get defensive and disagree with
them or make excuses. Ill do this even though I know thats what Im
doing. At least Ive gathered up the courage to write this fact about my life
down.

Ive noticed a lot of teenagers of this generation seem to enjoy wearing

khaki pants, khaki shorts, dark denim blue jeans, and denim shorts, all in
various assorted colors.

I did not know that Im starting my community college classes in August.

Thought I was starting them at the beginning of next year, not next school
year, which is in August or so. Guess that just means Im going to have to
get back to drawing sooner than I thought. No big deal. Though I thought it
was last night.

P a g e | 1001

I feel relieved. Since I last wrote in this journal, I have done two new
drawings. What makes these drawings so special, you ask? Its the fact that
these are the first two drawings Ive done since I got the news of my
rejection from my first art school choice, so it felt really good to draw them.
Like by saying Youre fucking wrong, Ringling, you asshole! I am a good
artist. Youre administrators dont know shit, and Im going to prove it in ten
yearsgive or take a couple extra onesfrom now! The reason Im so
happy I did those drawings is because to me, they seem like a sign that Ive
taken the first step to recovery, and am now on the road to get back on my
feet. Just because you get rejected by a studio, person, company, or school
doesnt mean youre not good.

Now that Ive drawn some, there are some other things I have to get done,
or at least try my best to. I ought to list them off so that perhaps the act of
writing down my objective will give me a better chance of accomplishing
them. They include doing my web design class, exercise, meditating, writing
more essays, doing assignments for my Creative Writing class at school, and
reading some out of my books. With all this, I cant really write in this
journal for much longer until I do another thing I have to get done
***
When youre going to sleep, your consciousness fades in and out, in and out,
dims, and dissolves with subtlety. I woke up early this morning, got up,
walked through the kitchen to the refrigerator, and took out a piece of sting
cheese. I happily peeled the cheese apart, ate it, then returned to bed for
another hour and a half or so of more sleep. That had to be one of my most
comfortable hours of sleep Ive had in a long time, short but sweet, until
Andrew rudely awoke me from down the hallthrough my closed door no
lesswith his loud talking voice. Mom tried to quiet him, but he would not
listen. By that point, my eyes were completely open and I had trouble getting
them to sink back down again. By then I was awoken, so after Andy left, I
got out of bed and watched TV. This morning while I was waking and
falling asleep, I could actually kind of feel my consciousness going on and
off, myself going in and out of awareness. It was a cool feeling.
***

P a g e | 1002

One thing Ive learned from creative instruction is that you dont need to go
to college to find a job of some sort in animation, illustration, writing fiction,
filmmaking, or comic books. The best way to learn to trade and crafts of the
industry and market of these mediums is by doing it. Nothings stopping a
person from making their own website, novel, animated series bible, comic
book, or artwork at home. There are plenty of online instruction resources,
and community colleges around to teach you at least something. The only
thing really stopping a person in succeeding in an entertainment field is him
or her self, lack of hard work, lack of talent, and lack of contacts. Im going
to try my best to prove this theory after I finish Valencia and possibly the
Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale. Im not worried about money. Im just
worried about working hard, doing what I love, having a good time, and
doing a great job.

Got a lot of things done today. Wrote another essay, exercised by doing a lot
of sit ups and jumping-jacks, meditated, and got caught up on my Creative
Writing course which was relatively easy.

I guess I do have some zenith objectives on my mind. Maybe I should make

a list of all the big goals I want to achieve. Im talking the biggest of the big.
Well, for one thing, find a job doing some kind of art for one thing. Okay.
Thats not as difficult as some other things. Now I guess my biggest longterm goal now for the future would be to get a book (probably novel)
published by the enormous New York City book publisher Simon &
Schuster. Thats something I want to do. I wont even think about the
possibility of getting on a bestseller list like Amazon.com or The New York
Times. Im going to focus on making my writing and storytelling as good as
they can possibly be, find an agent and an actual publisherand then Ill
worry about commercial or economic gain and my work being salable. Im
sure whichever publisher I end up with will go over that with me when the
time comes. Id consider being able to sell more than 50,000 copies of a
book I wrote to be an incredible feet. Hell, lower than that. 10,000 copies
would still be impressive to me. Getting anyoneeven if its only one
personto go into a store and buy a book you, the author, wrote should be
an honor. Never mind becoming the next Hemingway.

P a g e | 1003

The closing ceremony of the Winter Olympics is being aired on television

tonight. It warms my heart knowing no one was able to commit an act of
terrorism during the time the Olympics have been going on. I was worried
about that. It was cool watching Steven Spielberg walk that giant flag up to
the center of the stadium with a few others to raise it up the flagpole.
Spielberg has done just about everything a person can do in one lifetime. He
was, for a short amount of time, part of the center of attention at the 2002
Olympics, is a multi billionaire, is a celebrity, made a black-&-white film
about the Holocaust that got lots of Academy Awards and made over $100
million at the domestic box office, and has gotten knighted by the Queen of
England. How fucking cool is it to be Spielberg?

Will probably go to bed soon. Sleep seems enticing, like usual. Sleep was
very rewarding this morning.

I dont know about the film and literary marketplaces, but I know a few
things about the music and comic book industries. 2001 was a boom year for
the comic book industry. It was its greatest increase in sales in the last ten or
so years that happened in 2001, partially because of the September 11th
tribute books, Marvels Wolverine Origin story, and Frank Millers The
Dark Knight Returns. The music industry however saw a large decrease in
sales. About a 10% profit decrease in sales and demand from stores. I dont
see why some are whining. It was still an amazingly lucrative career for the
entertainment industry in general though. Businesses like Walt Disney
should not complain. Those greedy motherfuckers. Despite the slump in the
economy, that consumer whore, Disney, is still making a whole hell of a lot
more than the majority of regular companies on the market. If the Disney
company were to die tomorrow, my reaction would probably be So what?
Disney only really cares about the money. Theyve perverted the companys
creators original intentions, and theyll get what they deserve in the end.
They are no longer about the art. Theyre releasing all these retarded directto-video pieces of shit, and are only focusing on pleasing their stockholders,
rather than actually putting out another film with heart, like The Lion King,
Aladdin, Beauty & The Beast, or The Nightmare Before Christmas. Theyre
constantly trying to measure the success of their current movies against
those movies, when theyre not really focusing on trying to make their heart
and soul the same, and therefore, their attempts at recreating the same

P a g e | 1004

success by trying to use rip-offs of their own formula are doomed to failure.
The public can often tell when a companies just trying to catch in. Some
cant, but enough can. Plenty of people can tell whos out there to make a
quick buck, and whos out to make something that actually has heart and
spirit. Chuck Jones, Glen Keane, Matt Groening, Steven Spielberg, Stephen
King, Robert Zemeckis, Bruce Timm, Oprah Winfrey, Todd McFarlane,
Ron Howard, Brian Michael Bendis, Dark Horse, The Beatles, Tim Burton,
and John Lasseter have done things that Disney can only dream about
doingboth creatively and commerciallyon its own without some those
aforementioned people who have actually worked for Disney.

Im worried about the whole career thing. I have to make some kind of
career for myself. My two main goals are to write stupid little novels and to
do some kind of illustrative or storytelling artwork. I dont want to get more
specific than that. Film, television, and computers are just options that are
open to me. Im not really feeling a predilection to put my foot down and go
Thats precisely it. I know thats what I want to do for the rest of my life. I
want to do that and that only. One of my greatest career desires is to be my
own boss, and not necessarily work for anyone else more than Id want to.
My goal is not to sell millions of copies of something. I simply acknowledge
that as an unlikely possibility. Im more interested in getting into the
psychology of characters and the various choices they make in different
situations, some normal, some bizarre. I also noticed Im one of those people
who is in love with themes. Im a theme freak. Ive written an essay on a
different theme, usually philosophical ones, nearly every daynonstopfor
the last four or five months. One thing I do agree with is this: If one is going
through the process of writing a story, one should first ask the questions,
make the situations, develop the characters, and let the whole thing play out
while transcribing it as you see in your mind. After you see the whole story
happen before you, then you can play ethical interpreter and decipher a
theme out of the whole thing.

I breathed a subtle sigh of relief. Ill be doing the web design class sometime
today. Im just not sure when.

P a g e | 1005

Got my web design class done for the moment. Will probably go read soon.
Probably right now.

About an hour or two ago, I finished reading The Elegant Universe. It was a
good book, but a lot of it I had trouble understanding. A lot of physics
jargon, and physics is not my best subject. An enjoyable book regardless.

I can still draw tonight. Could also meditate and write more essays if I so
choose. Didnt really work hard enough today. Did not fall asleep in class
once today, but did fall behind a little bit on schoolwork.

Damn. I hate to say this, but if I cant think of anything to write about in this
journal during the next thirty minutes, Im going to have to say Fuck this
journal, and move on to something else. I dont really have a choice. With
only five months left until I start classes at Valencia, I dont have time that I
can afford to waste. I wont get anywhere sitting here, doing this journal.
Any work thats truly useful to me is not going to be easy work.

The Oscars and Grammys are coming up, but I care about neither of them
overall. The nominees dont hold very much interest overall to me. That year
Eminem performed at the ceremony co-performing with Elton JohnNow
that was a Grammy show to watch. Just getting to see the contrast of
opposites was an interesting spectacle.

What else is there to write about? Right now it seems like the answer is
nothing. This journal is beginning to bore me as far as new topics are
concerned. This is starting to feel like wasted time because it isnt devoted to
writing articles, essays, and stories. Im beginning to think its about time to
stop fucking around and instead, starting the real work. This journal is not
work. Its turned into nothing more than a complex way to kill time.
Something tells me this is not a good thing. Something tells me it would be
more constructive to turn this creative energy into something that can be
salable during the time Im alive, and these journals arent it. I could use the
excuse, But at least Im doing actual writing and devoting my time to

P a g e | 1006

writing of some sort! Yeah, I suppose. I could say that, if I want to pussy
out on real work. I dont want to be a pussy though. What I need to do is
organize my time like the way my mother wants me to. Do the most
important and crucial things first, and then use this journal as a little reward
for the end of the day, after a hard days work. Once I set my mind to
something and get a consistent daily routine going around that one thing, Im
unstoppable at whatever I set my easily distracted mind to. Perhaps I should
focus the mind on doing more drawing, exercise, and other things that are
obviously more important than this journal is right now.

So many things pestering my mind, asking it to pay attention to them.

Goddamit. Why do all these thought want attention? They dont deserve this
hectic and shifting attention. Why cant my mind focus on nothing and be
happy with it? Why cant I just sit back in complacency and watch television
24/7? Id feel much less ambiguity if I did that, if I didnt keep my mind
active, and just basically vegetated on electronic media and whatnot. This
constant activity of my mind wouldnt really be a problem, but thats only if
it has a focus and objective to reach. You know, where the objectivity thus
becomes the objective and the objective becomes the objectivity. Thats a
simultaneous correlation, and getting my mind to do something like that
would make me much more satisfied. Or maybe I just need to relax my
mind. In a way, vegetating is relaxing your mind. Its time to stop writing for
now and move on, like I said I should do. Im going to have to pick a new
book out to read. I think after I pick the next book out, after I finish that
book, whichever one it ends up being, Im going to read one of the classics.
Maybe The Grapes of Wrath, or The Catcher In the Rye. Maybe even To
Kill a Mockingbird.

Read on the Internet today that Kurt Cobains diaries will be published in the
near future. It said editors were practically lining up to buy the rights to his
notebooks, and the publishing house that did buy it bought the rights to them
for around $4 million. Understandable, considering the way Cobain died.
People want to know whats inside the guys mind. Quite a few people.

Last night, I started reading a new book. Thunder and Lightning by Natalie
Goldberg, which is a book on writing instruction. I also meditated last night,

P a g e | 1007

with a little bit of thanks due to Natalie Goldbergs written commentary on

meditation mixed with writing. Art, in a way, is suffering. Meditation goes
more well with writing and art than I previously thought it did, because it
helps you escape the suffering of the artistic process, which manifests
isolation and loneliness. I dont know why I have to write short stories and
novels with the only intent being publication and bestseller status. Why cant
I just write long ass short stories and novels for fun, even though they do
entail a lot of work? Like Stephen King has said: When youre writing
youre rough draft or first draft, youre writing with the door shut. Youre
writing for yourself.

Guess thats how I should write my literary fiction 24/7 when Im first
starting out. It would probably be healthier that way. Maybe that way, using
that method, Id actually be able to get to write fiction in various forms,
instead of being intimidated and feeling anxiety about it. Im still trying to
figure out why Im so anxious about writing literary fiction or stories of any
sort recently, but have not quarrels with just doing regular writing exercise,
writing my essays and writing in my journals. I think once I actually do it,
keep doing it, and eventually get the point where Im doing it when I dont
even feel like it, Ill find out theres nothing to fear but the fear itself. Why
not write stories about mystery, life, death, cruelty, God, the media, danger,
suburbia, and compassion. Im not saying that Im necessarily going to write
about all those things right away, but Im just throwing ideas out there.
Maybe theres a way to make it easier on myself. I can just start writing
down topics, character names, relationships, questions, current events,
descriptions, locations, first chapters, words, titles, and I can start clustering.
Anythings better than babbling about nothing. Perhaps if I follow these
steps, before I know it, Ill have a short story or chapter from a book Ill
write. I cant predict how the semi-distant future will go. Right now, Im just
hoping for the best. And I think if I work hard and have tenacity, the best is
what I shall receive, or at least I hope so. If I set my mind to writing fiction,
Im pretty sure I can do it.

Did some things since I last wrote in this. Read some more of Thunder and
Lightning by Natalie Goldberg, and I owe a lot of gratitude to her. Shes
helped get rid of a lot of my fear about getting to writing fiction. When she
started writing her first book, she had some of the same complaints,
frustrations, intimidations, and fears that Ive had about the process of

P a g e | 1008

writing a book. I do the writing practice and work in this journal, so Im

writing a lot, but when it comes time to figure out how to construct the book,
and write with a purpose, in the past, before I read Natalies words of
wisdom, I felt lost. Now I dont feel so lost. The hardest part is diving into it
and knowing where to start. Another very hard part is: knowing where to
stop. There are some exercises I read out of that book that will definitely
help me in my approach to get started. I wont write them down, in fear that
that will counteract that effectiveness. But if I want to utilize them at any
time, all I need to do is reread those first two or three chapters of the book,
and know exactly how I should think of the approach to writing a novel or
short story. It pretty much feels like its guaranteed to be effective.

Also finished writing another essay at home about ten or twenty minutes
ago, before I started writing in this journal again. Will be moving onto web
design pretty soon.

Just got done reading a decent amount of my essays. Ive come to decide
that their content is decent, and I like their words, but they could use some
grammatical correcting and refining. Im not going to praise them, because
Im the one who wrote them. I dont think any writer should be overly
praiseful of his or her own writing. He or she can enjoy it, but they should
not praise it or themselves too much.

If someone were to ask me Do you believe in God? my response would

probably be Yes, I do, but the God I believe in does not resemble does not
resemble anything that youd likely find in the Bible. It is not
anthropocentric, and I am more of a pantheist. I guess that would be my
basic response

Did listen to the beginning half of the first anxiety tape for the second time
todayI feel like Ive accomplished a lot, but I keep wondering Where do I
go from here.

P a g e | 1009

Im not really in the mood to write anything thought provoking right now. I
just want to think up something to write so that I wont be sitting here until I
go to bed, even though thats not very far off from now. Probably only about
five or ten minutes off from now as a matter of fact. Was watching another
new episode of Smallville tonight. Thats a great show. Its actually very
well executed, filmed, and written and is very worth watching. It has a lot of
viewers, so perhaps itll become the next X-Files. I dont remember how
many millions of viewers Smallville has, nor can I remember how large the
audience is for Malcolm in the Middle, which is a show that I have not
watched an episode of in a very long time. Speaking of entertainment, I keep
thinking about those Kurt Cobain journals that are going to be published.
They probably will sell at least a million copies, but if so, how many
millions of copies? Theres something about watching entertainment
products go through various stagesfrom conception to mass distribution
which I find fascinating. How something goes from one persons mind into
the minds of many millions is something that is simply mind-boggling. It
almost seems beyond human. When you write a book, you have to get some
opinions from people you show it to while youre working on it before it
gets fed to the hungry masses. Doing this helps you get feedback, so that you
know if youll have a better chance of reaching the widest possible audience.
Its just that the peculiar thing, I find, about entertainment is how something
that is so cerebral and so psychological and so personal to one person can
captivate so many. Its fucking amazing to try to contemplate, but to me it
still seems like its not enough of a substitute for spiritual progress, although
I suppose there is something spiritual and cathartic about sharing something
deeply personal with a large group of people you dont even know. That is
and has always been the ideal of expressionism, in a way. Expressionistic art
exists for other reason, but to this particular artist, that seems to be one of the
main ones.

Yeah. I guess my life is pretty interesting. No less interesting than anyone

elses.

I have this constant dream of being able to create entire worlds that people
can escape to, but at times I also think about commercial viability and
accessibility that Im hoping will be inherent in my work.

P a g e | 1010

Im very pleased with my progress right now. I no longer have that fear
about starting the process of writing a book now that I have that new
technique to use. Now its actually more of an excitement and curiosity
about the process that would go into it once I started

I sometimes wonder if Im a prodigy of some sort, or prolific, but Im not

bold enough to say. What I really want to do is produce work, get it to the
people, and let other people judge. To me, it doesnt seem like its my place
to say what level Im at. Its important to please myself first, regardless of
what level Im at.

Why are people so violent? I wish I knew. One of my classmates probably

got expelled for a year over a fucking argument/fight about rap and country
music. Thats freaking ridiculous.

Certainly planning to work at my web design class tonight, and watching the
Grammys. Other than reading, Im not really making major plans to work on
anything else. Today has been kind of a do nothing day. The only thing
significant that happened today was the fight. Insignificant days are just as
rewarding as significant daysits all good in the spectrum of life.

Things aresilent. Theyre silent now. Today, for the moment being, is a
quiet day. Im simply sitting back, delving into my mind and harvesting my
semi-coherent intellect on the page, trying to find new associations in my
ideas, what I observe, and my thinking. If I were writing a novel right now,
Id be using my time wisely, but Im not. Im just rambling with no
consideration to myself.

The Elegant Universe was an informative and insightful book. Thunder and
Lighting is exceptional and excellent as well, except its a lot more
entertaining. Both seem pretty inspired, which is why I enjoy them.

P a g e | 1011

Speaking of books, when one looks at the success of popular books, be they
fiction or nonfiction, there are often certain reasons a book is successful or
not. Some of these reasons are obvious, and some are not at all. Usually in
the category of nonfiction, books like The Art of Happiness, The Millionaire
Mind, Awakening the Buddha Within, Tuesdays with Morrie, and The
Elegant Universe are popular for specific reasons. For these books, the
obvious reasons seem to be because they touch upon general topics with
broad and universal appeal, so therefore they have gone on to sell gazillions
of copies. There are obviously a lot of people who are interested in string
theory and a lot of people interested in becoming multimillionaires. Makes
enough sense. Thats got to be a good feeling going into writing your own
personal book knowing that theres already a lot of demand for the subject
youve chosen to write about. This is a formula that works well for
nonfiction writers. Right now, September 11th is what people in general have
been thinking about. And by no coincidence, right now nearly any book
covering September 11thand its various subtopicsis whats selling in the
literary market. This is not a hard thing to figure out. It all goes back to the
simple formula of supply and demand. People in their modesty demand
knowledge and perspective on a specific subject, and if you, the writer, are
able to provide them with your supply of individual knowledge and
perspective (many of us have this deep down within us), your work will be
the next thing in demand, but often, only if you have uniqueness and
originality. Because people, by the large, dont really want more of the
same. The public, both companies and regular people alike, are looking for
the next big star, the next big event, the next big way of thinking, the next
big story. Anything.

Maybe people are getting more stupid. I dont know.

P a g e | 1012

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 61

P a g e | 1013

February 2002

Still living, and Im still grieving the loss of Chuck Jones. Another good
thing thats happened is that I think the shock from that fight yesterday has
worn off, so I can live more peacefully now.

Went to see some things outside. We drove around in the car and got to see
some of Rollins College to help confront my social anxiety, and to a
museum thats also in Winter Park, not even ten minutes away from Rollins.
This time it was an art and sculpture museum featuring the work of a historic
artist, Albin Polasek. His work is brilliant, and the museum is actually set up
in the place where he lived. They actually preserved the room he lived in and
spent much time in when he got old and before he died. The way he carved
his statues was magnificent. It was really inspiring to me as an artist. The
place he lived was so beautiful. When we took the tour, and I got to get a
look at his room, the way it was constructed was so simple. There were
dressers, a bed, books, and bookcases. The whole place gave a feeling of
what that time seemed like: simple and peaceful. I try to imagine what it
would be living in a place like that during that time period, and I got a
feeling of peace and silence. And behind the house, there was a field with a
concrete walkway, sculptures everywhere, and a lake that the ground quietly
descended into. The view of the lake was beautiful. You could see houses,
boats and various things across the lake, all connected by the sparkling, blue
water.
I ought to scan the news, read it, and find information about problems in the
world, then write about it. Ive written about a few things, but I could
probably find more than I already have. So far, Ive done a little bit of
thinking about string theory, cultural or societal heredity, and the integration
of academic facilitiessuch as public high schools and middle schools
and computers (Internet, word processor programs, etc). So whats next?

P a g e | 1014

That Im still deciding. Just probably need to wait for inspiration. I

constantly feel like I need something to think about. A thought recently
crossed my mind that it might be cool to write a fictional literary story that
took place in the city of Winter Park. I just know theres a story waiting in
that city somewhere. Its buried deep in history. Winter Park actually has a
significant history. Ive called Sarasota a close-knit, sleepy seaside city
before in my writing at school, and thats what it is to me. Theres
something very cultural and historic about Winter Park and Sarasota.
Theyre great places to go to look for art places. My neighborhood is like
any old neighborhood. Suppose the grass is always greener on the other side
though. Winter Parks grass is looking pretty green right now

Did some of the web design class. Glad thats out of the way.

This day has been relatively easy, but also uninspired. Other than the art
museum, there wasnt all that much inspiration in today. Im so bored. The
Grammys last night were boring. OutKast and They Might Be Giants won
awards, but I was shocked by how bad some of the Grammy winners this
year have been. I didnt like that show very much. It seemed like it was set
up so that many who performed at the ceremony ended up winning a
Grammy. The ceremony seemed a little too calculated for comfort.
Commercially, this does equal good news for the artists though. U2, Alicia
Keys, Nelly Furtado, some other artists who won have shot up to the top of
many sales charts, so Im sure theyre pleased with their sales numbers right
now, not that they werent before. I guess its gotten to the point where
Grammy win = Sales. I guess you could say the same thing about Emmys,
Oscars, Pulitzers (sometimes), and Nobel Peace Prizes for the literature
section.

March 2002
Things seemed to have calmed down around this house recently, which is a
very good thing. Have been thinking about the current year and next year
though. These are not going to be completely easy times. These will be
struggling years, simply because the career goals have not been attained yet,
but Im off to a good start, so I neednt worry. These next two years are

P a g e | 1015

going to be years of struggle where I have to fight to gain independence

from my parents so I can eventually live on my own, losing weight through
exercise, getting the drawing stamina back up, finishing web design, getting
school done, going to college, ridding my self of my anxiety for the most
part, and learning to drive. And then theres the inevitable part where I
actually start working on real polished fiction stories. I mean, why not?
Whats holding me back? Why shouldnt I pursue writing? Ive already
wrote a pretty good journal, so now I should turn my mind, attention, and
effort to telling stories in all kinds of mediums. Theres really nothing
stopping me from attaining these goals, except my bodys resistance to work
in cooperation with my mind, which is something I can hone if I really want
to.

Have wanted to be a storyteller and designer of some sort ever since I was a
little kid. Im not planning on giving up that dream any time soon. Its
whats going to pave my way out of a prosaic life, and put me in a creative
lifestyle of either an artist or a writer; Maybe both. Either medium offers the
opportunity to utilize storytelling in one form or another. Your only real and
noticeable objective as a storyteller is to be able to make the story youre
telling compelling enough so that it makes your audience want to stay with
your story from beginning to end, period. Sure theres a lot of other things to
it, but when storytelling is at its zenith, thats what it always ends up doing.
Some call it Narrative energy.

Ive got to empty the dishwasher pretty soon, but Im finishing this cup of
coffee first. This definitely makes me sound like a big time slacker. Thats
what I do best though. Overall, it pretty much seems like most of what I do
and have done is not real work. Well, it is in a way, but not in your
traditional way. Its all too fun to be real work, even the drawing and web
design class. Those are both very enjoyable, and offer some insight into my
own psyche on a certain level. But the web design only does that if Im skill
at programming a page in whatever way I feel like.

Ill admit I have ability in these art and writing things. So therefore Ill
probably be doing them for the rest of my life. Filmmaking, right now, will
have to be nothing more than a distant cloud in the canvas of my working

P a g e | 1016

mediums. Right now Im choosing to focus all my energy on my art and

writing specifically, so that I wont get overloaded with too many goals at
once. Id like to get into directing animation or even producing animation,
but those are also distant. I have a good chance of getting into computer
animation if I go to the Art Institute, so that I might be able to work for
places like Pixar and Dreamworks, who are computer animation goldmines,
in both the creative and economic sense. I actually do think we need more
enjoyable movies like Shrek and Toy Story 2. Movies that move you, make
you feel for the characters and feel better about yourself. Shrek was a feelgood movie that did all those things. It delivered a positive message without
seeming dopier than it had to for comedic purposes. If you want to be good
at computer animation, you have to know traditional drawing well. It helps
to have good drawing skills to begin with. Fortunately for me, computer
animation seems to be pointing the way to the future of the animated feature
film. If I worked on a computer animated feature in the future, and it got
nominated for an Academy Award, that would make me feel really proud.
That would definitely give me some work credentials, which is what Id
need in a medium like animation. Previous work certainly plays a decent
part in helping one find future work. The bottom line is that people want
quality entertainment thats well thought out and well executed, regardless
of whether it mainstream or indie. Often, something that starts out
seeming very indie actually becomes mainstream, if it has one kind of broad
appeal or another. And why shouldnt it? If youre helping, enlightening, or
entertaining that many people, then what exactly is the crime in selling
out, if thats what you want to call it? I think thats a stereotypical label
however.

About money: Sometimes I wonder how often in a week or month I actually

think about money, no matter whether its earning or spending it as of now.
The truth, I believe, is not much. I dont really think about money all that
much. I dont buy things as much as I used to. I dont have a job that pays
anymore, so I dont really have any money (with the exception of bank
account money). Since I have my parents house to live in for a while, and
theyre not forcing me to move outonly go to college and get an
educationthe only time I really think about money and devote some
serious time to thinking about it is when I ponder the future of my career.
When that happens Ill often think of how much I might make from royalties
off of a book, TV show, comic book, or something. Its kind of like when a
person thinks about what if they won the lottery, except theres not as much

P a g e | 1017

luck involved. Other than my career, money is not a concern or obsession in

any way whatsoever. Its a temporal indulgence, and Im personally trying to
cut down on those kinds of things. Im not worried a lot about buying a
house or car or anything. Those things will come later, when I actually have
a little bit of money. I would say Id like to get money for buying more
books, but I dont see much of a temptation in that when I have access to so
much information on the Internet and am able to write my own books to
pollute the market with. Besides, the only book on writing that I really need
to buy is The Writers Market, which is where you find literary agents,
publishing houses, and editors. The Writers Market is really your best ticket
to an agent (and you need an agent to even be able to associate with the big
houses). All I really need to do right now is keep working at my journals
and essays and drawings, then start going to college around the end of this
year.

I believe it used to take me at least ten and probably more than twenty days
to finish a 20 or so page journal file on this computer. Now it takes me about
4 or 5 days to write what will amount to the same volume. I think this is
certainly a sign of progress. If I keep working at it, the volume will
inevitably keep increasing, or at least I hope. My grammar, voice, and
spelling have all improved over the course of the last two years or so. Im
having trouble believing Ive been writing in this journal for two years, if
its even been that long. I dont exactly remember. It feels like Ive been
writing in this thing for three or four years at least. I was much more
arrogant and egotistical at the age of 16 than I am now. My arrogance and
ego have diminished significantly since the time I was a child. Ever since
Ive started writing those essays and practicing Buddhism, Ive been feeling
increasingly more humble and compassionate as time goes on. When I was
little, I had all the ego and arrogance in the world. I was filled to the brim
with them, as any child would be. Now Im turning into a man. Ive become
more intelligent and less selfish. Very pleased with my place in the world,
even though its not all that important and most likely wont be either. Adult
hood is such a wonderful and enlightening thing. Those of us who live to see
life as an adult gain so much knowledge, wisdom, and experience from
reaching adulthood. Its a really good feeling. I still have a lot of growing up
to do though. If there were one thing I never would have seen my self
getting into, it would be philosophy. I never expected to become so
interested in philosophyor eastern religion for that matter. I couldnt have
seen myself getting this fat either, with this big potbelly of mine.

P a g e | 1018

Well, about my life story. Its really not all that unordinary. I dont have a
tragic and heartbreaking story to tell, I didnt immigrate to this country from
a very poor part of the world overseas, I didnt kill myself over the pressures
of fame, I didnt die in a World War II concentration camp after being in
hiding for some odd years, Im not a fictional character that some second
rate contemporary British author is making up, Im not a spiritual
pundit/world philosopher, I didnt win a Nobel or Pulitzer Prize, and I
havent written fifty horror novels and whatnot that have sold 57 gazillion
copies worldwide. I am not any of these and have done none of these things.
So, I suppose Im going to have to compensate with a show of vigor. Vigor
with words and other aspects of my writing voice.

Went two places today. Borders and the library near my house. I drove to
both places, but only drove back from one. Borders. I got quite a bit of
things. I know which book Ill be reading for my book report due at the end
of this month. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. I also checked
Hemingways For Whom the Bell Tolls out from the library, mostly to study
its style and voice. At Borders, I purchased Selected Poems written by T.S.
Eliot (finally!) and the newest They Might Be Giants CD: Mink Car. Dad
also gave me some of his CDs that he doesnt want anymore. Aimee Mann,
Starsailors new album: Love Is Here, and Gin Blossoms one with that song,
Hey Jealousy. All good music. Im not listening to any of them right now
though. As of now, Im listening to Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz. Whenever
I want to think deeply and write at the same time, Ill usually either listen to
Gorillaz or Weezers Green Album. So Ill usually write my essays when I
listen to those things. Theres something about the way Del says You dont
see with your eye, you perceive with your mind I hear that one line and it
seems as if Ill sometime go off and write an entire three page long essay on
that very statement. I cant explain it, it just kind of builds up a desire in my
brain to write analytical things. Bizarre that much of that thinking in those
writings and the desire to write such things is inspired by a rap song which
Mom hates. She doesnt understand where some of my creative inspiration
comes from. Its not just that song though. Its any impressive and melodic
song that inspires me as well, not just Dels rapping. That would be scary if
he as a cartoon character was my sole inspiration. Id be frightening myself
if that were so. But its not. I cant wait to get to reading form T.S. Eliot and
Hemingway. Both Nobel Prize laureates and geniuses. The brilliance of their

P a g e | 1019

work or creative manifestations cannot be denied. Anyone who doesnt see

their brilliance needs to have his head checked.
***
Have recently thought up a theory that Ive decided to call Sensory Osmosis,
which was inspired by the new look of the Diet Pepsi cans I drink:
My theory tries to explain how the look of something and the perceptual
impression it gives our sense of sight can perhaps also influence our sense of
taste and how good the thing tastes as well. If a piece of food looks good, it
will often subsequently taste good as well. If something looks nasty or
disgusting, it will often therefore taste as it looks. I find the possibility that
our sight and the way we perceive things with our sight will in turn influence
our various other four senses. So Im basically trying to search for a
correlation between perception through sight and perception through taste. It
all is connected intrinsically to our consciousness, which feeds our
awareness of all that is, of course.
***
Thank goodness for the good souls, that make life better. I think I love
Starsailor. A good uplifting and melodic band. I think the general public
hates this bands music, but like usual, I disagree with the general public.
Some members of the general public love to scrutinize and hate and tear
apart anything uplifting, inspirational, and positive. Well you know what?
Fuck them. Let them dig their own graves and burn in the depths of hell,
while the free spirits continue to be on the loving earth, embraced by its
heart and spirit. Let the free spirits love, and live, while those of the
general sect rot and decay through the tangibility of life because their
hearts have not been touched. Let people get whats coming to them. We
need not interfere. We merely need to feel compassion and love, in hopes
that the ignorant will see the light and love and feel as we do. Love those
who hate you. Theyre the ones who need it the most.

Im looking forward to getting back into it. Its not like I dont like drawing,
even after the rejection letter from Ringling.

P a g e | 1020

I probably shouldnt be on this computer still, but I feel like I still have more
things to say, even though I cant seem to think of anything right now. I
thought I had something to write about, but either I didnt in the first place
or Ive forgotten what it was. Oh well. Maybe I was going to write about the
books I was looking at.

If I write some books and one of them becomes successful, Im sure Ill have
to adjust to it and make due with make due with the state of my life, as it
was affected by the success of a book or something else. I dont think I want
to end up cutting myself off from reality, like J.D. Salinger. I dont think I
want to end up like that. Hes an extremely brilliant literary figure who has
written a book thats now considered a classicsimilar to what Harper Lee
didbut he is obviously not a well-adjusted individual. I dont want to end
up like that. If I went that route, Id be miserable, and lonely, and scholars
and historians would be watching me, waiting for my death just so that they
could record the year in their books. Theres something about that which I
find creepy: People waiting for your death. Them planning on it, even if they
dont mean anything malicious by it. I dont think I want people waiting for
and worrying about my death. I want to be the only person who chooses to
do that. I dont need other peoples sympathy, no matter how harsh my life
is. Compassion is not something I seek for myself. Its something that I need
to feel for other people, but I believe an overly abundant amount of
sympathy, from other people, for myself, is unneeded. I dont think I want
people to worry about me. My own problems are my own problems, not
anyone elses.

Was trying to think about how I could categorize this journal. You know
what? I cant. I dont know how. This journal of mine over the last two
years, have covered a broad range of topics. It hasnt written about just one.
Some of its about myself, some of its about pop culture, some of its about
the family I belong to, and a lot of it is about something else entirely. Work
of art? I do not think so. Its just simple place to get my thoughts down.
Thats about it.

Ive been thinking about Ken Wilber. Hes still wildly brilliant, and his
method of spiritual thinking is extremely original, but his writing style could

P a g e | 1021

use some work. I think Ive had time to realize that hes not the only deep
and original thinker out there. I think Robert Pirsig is just as brilliant, if not
more. Robert Pirsig has been more popular and influential. Im planning on
reading from both of their various works. I still do think One Taste is a
masterpiece of random inward contemplation though, as is Zen And The Art
of Motorcycle Maintenance.

Last night, I read a narrative paragraph from Hemingways For Whom The
Bell Tolls, and at the time it moved me so much. It was so beautiful. The
passage was so powerful that it moved me to tears at the time. It was that
well written. I wonder if the Nobel committee had the same reaction to his
writing at the time.

Theres something about watching other creative people work, thats

captivating. Ive seen some creative people do talented creative work, from
people who I know and dont know, both on TV and in person. And its so
cool its almost creepy. Its like watching someone work magic. When you
watch someone who has a creative talent do his or her own thing, its a very
cool thing to watch. I myself work my thing, but since Im so used to doing
it, and I live in this body, my own abilities are nothing special to me. I just
kind of do them. That can apply to pretty much anyone who has a creative
ability. But theres really nothing like watching a professional guitarist,
singer, filmmaker, or bassist, do their work and produce a new song or film.
To me, that experience is very entertaining. I can only imagine what it would
be like to have watched John Lennon at work while he was alive. Watching
someone of that magnitude of creativity or talent go to work just kind of
makes you lean back a little and say Whoa or Wow.

Dont know how my essays come to me. Some saying just pop into my
mind, and Im simply the observer and studier. I do nothing more than
record the information my brain gives me, both the visual and non-visual
thoughts.

P a g e | 1022

Still have a lot more to learn about aesthetics and phenomenology. But Im
young. I have time to spare for pursuing knowledge, beauty, being, and
visual appearances. I smell more essays coming on.

Wrote another essay, this time on free enterprise. It wasnt as good as well
done as some of the other essays, but it was all right.

If I write a manuscript, and I think it would make a decent mainstream

fiction novel, there are three main publishers who I am considering
submitting my work to, if Im able to find an agent to get it to them with.

The key to writing good fiction is keeping the narrative new so that even
while youre writing the narrativeespecially while youre writing the
narrative! You need to keep the characters and their conflict new in your
mind, so that they seem more like living, breathing people, and less like
cardboard characters that are saying what some writer guys telling them to
say. Theres nothing more unenjoyable than reading a bad writers badly
written narrative (and dialogue, metaphors, etc.). Reading such writing even
seems painful sometimes. I browsed one novel, by a writer that Id met,
which starts off all its chapter with either one of two things, which it
switches back and forth to: either the word The of one of three characters
names. The scary thing is that this technique really seems unintentional, like
the writer wasnt able to catch her own narrative dullness and redundancy. It
drove me crazy. It was so repetitive that it made the beginning of each of the
books chapters seems extremely badly written and dull, simply because of
the lack of spontaneity. Its not like a book such as The Grapes of Wrath,
where the books consistence choice to use of the word The at the
beginning of most of the chapters obviously seems like an intentional
decision. Steinbeck did recurrence with grace. The other author has done it
with disgrace, but I will not say what their name is. This is not about
personal attacks. Its about making a point.

Got the chance to do a couple things since last wrote in this thing. Did some
more drawing. About four pages worth, but only one page contained a semi-

P a g e | 1023

decent drawing. Good enough for me now. Right now its not about
producing good drawings. Its more about the actual doing.

Other than that, I did one other thing. I read. Started reading Flowers For
Algernon the second time around since I read it in middle school, this time
for my high school book report. After I finished that, I read some more out
of Thunder and Lightning. I did all these things in my room. I love my room.
It is a fortress. My fortress. My blinds are closed 99% of the time. The other
1% being reserved for when Tigger is sometimes in my room for most of the
day while Im at school so that shell get some daylight rays. Most of the
time when Im in it though, the blinds are closed. I view whatever Ill tend to
see through windows while Im working as distracting. Ill listen to music
while Im working, drawing and writing, but only because it doesnt seem to
be as big of a distraction as a window I can see through. Now that I got the
drawing done for today and finished reading, I went into the back porch,
where Mom was sitting on a porch chair and reading, and told her about how
for the rest of tonight, I would resume being a bum.
But only for another hour, she said, and smiled.
I laughed.

I think that when youre working as a writer or artist, there is no retiring. Its
too fun, and it can often be more enjoyable than taking naps and lying
around. And I do like naps, even though Im only eighteen years of age.

As for drugs, I dont need drugs to get high. I get high from helping people
and spiritual progress. I get spiritual highs from meditation and selfexpression. I get a rush from deep thought and thinking intensively. This is
my drug, or perhaps anti-drug. Im not sure which one. The ultimate rush for
me is when I learn something new or how to do something I wasnt able to
do before. Some people I know seem to think I smoke pot, but I dont. I
dont do any drugs. Im not a drug user. Not even a casual one. I get weird
and zany ideas, but thats from my own active imagination, not from outside
influences. Maybe its just genius, but I will not say for sure.

P a g e | 1024

Im into all this weird, obscure indie and alternative music. I could probably
name at least five bands off the top of my head that most have not heard of,
whose CDs I own: Cornelius, Sarah Harmer, Pizzicato Five, Combustible
Edison, Isotope 217, Me First And The Gimme Gimmes, The Aquabats,
Orange County Supertones, Takako Minekawa, Less Than Jake, They Might
Be Giants, Skinny Puppy, Yo La Tengo, Social Distortion, Los Lobos,
Primus, blur, Elliott Smith, eels, Kahimi Karie, Buck-O-Nine, Charlie
Hunter, Air, and and Fun Lovin Criminals. I got a lot of these from the Park
Ave Compact Discs CD store in Winter Park, near Rollins College. Im
pretty proud of my CD collection, although it could be a lot bigger and more
extensive. I have some more mainstream alternative stuff, but those kinds of
CDs are a lot easier to find at your average CD store.

I think Im going to study the CPT notes today, so that I can prepare for the
College Placement Test when I actually take it before Valencia.

Slept way too much in school today. There was a certain time during class in
whichfrom when I woke upit seemed like I had been out cold. One of
my fingers had a red colored bruise on it from my laying on it and placing so
much weight on the thing. I dont think it hurt all that much, but it did look
darkly bruised at the time

Im shocked. I actually studied a couple pages out of the CPT study sheets
tonight in beginning Algebra, and actually did them well. That took a lot of
mental effort, but I did it, and now Im done with it for tonight. Im going to
read more of Flowers For Algernon tonight, and from what Ive read thus
far, its starting to come back to me. Im actually picking up some stuff from
the book reading it this time around that I missed the first time I read it. I
also read a lot out of Thunder And Lightning today, and reread some parts
out of On Writing. So I basically did a lot of reading today.

When Im an adult, Im not sure what state I want to live in. I have a couple
in mind, which I want to visit.

P a g e | 1025

Speaking of story, I thought of an idea for one. Its been inspired by some
things Ive read out of magazines. It would be about a celebrity who moves
to a small town, and part of his life, which he spends there. The reason any
celebrity moves a small town with a population of only a couple thousand is
often the same. To move around freely, and be able to get out and go places
where they wont have to worry about getting hassled. Bruce Willis and
John Travolta are two celebrities who have recently done this. Im thinking
this whole concept of longing to live an easier life might very well make
good inspiration for a fictional story. Ill have to keep it in mind, but it
would need some kind of a conflict, rising action, and climax.

Hopefully tomorrow will go as well as today did. I dont really see why it
wouldnt. I just need to remind myself to continue practicing compassion
and love. Did not write any essays today. Was too busy doing schoolwork,
reading from books, and working at my CPT notes. Tomorrow would
probably be good for drawing and writing essays. And hopefully tomorrow I
wont fall asleep in class. Did get to see my grades today. I got a nearly even
amount of As and Bs, and one C in Oceanography, but Ive just finished that
class off with the Oceanography tests, so I wont have to worry about the
possibility of getting below average grades in that class anymore.

In writing, thank God the element of description isin most literary cases
a learnt trait, not an incipient trait leading into a subsequent perpetual one.
Its something you pick up after a lot of reading and writing practice. I think
Ive only just begun picking up that trait, and still have a long way to go
until I come anywhere close to what would be considered mastering it.

I did watch a single episode of a good show, but the episode, which got aired
today, was not one of my favorites. Theres also another show on the Tech
TV channel that I like, called Big Thinkers. My favorite episode had to have
been the one, which featured the Dilbert creator/metaphysical author,
Douglas Adams. That episode really drew me in and hooked me into the rest
of the series.

P a g e | 1026

I love the fact that some American authors try to take influence from
previous styles and create new styles that belong entirely to them, and they
have a rather large worldwide influence on many other authors across the
world. American, in contemporary times, has made a name for itself in
producing innovative, artistic pieces of entertainment. Hemingway,
Steinbeck and Edgar Allen Poe are good examples of this concept. Theyre
very American authors with American styles for the most part, and have had
a worldwide influence. The same principle can apply to screenwriters,
directors, painters, and other kinds of artists, like illustrators and musicians.
One is often only able to wish they could achieve this level of worldwide
recognition. There are a lot of great English and Irish writers who have also
achieved worldwide recognition as well. Its not like America is the only
country that has been known for producing great artists writers. When you
think about things on the worldwide scale, no matter which language your
speaking fluently, compassion and humility break through the language
barrier and speak to people of any nationality. They transcend boundaries,
and are universal and intangible phenomena. Theres something special
about those kinds of things, which just makes you feel all warm and squishy
inside.

Overall, am feeling pleased with the progress made today. Could have
worked harder, but thats what tomorrow is for. Self-improvement.

Did some more of the CPT right after I got home from school, and I actually
did pretty well. Ive gotten the majority of the Algebra questions that Ive
answered so far right, based on the answer key. Also read some. Will read
more tonight, but first Im planning on doing exercise and perhaps
something else. Im just not sure what yet.

As far as creativity goes, both artistically and in a literary sense, talent in the
arts is no confined or reserved to one specific geographical location. It can
be found all over the place, in various kinds of people. Sure theres a lot of
great writers that come from Mississippi and New York City, but theres
great writers that come from Florida too. I need not be ashamed simply
because I grew up in Florida, the Sunshine State. Some of Ernest
Hemingways best novels took place in the Florida Keys. As a matter of fact,

P a g e | 1027

I heard from my dad that the Keys actually were Hemingways favorite
place to be. Im not sure whether to be surprised or amazed by that.

Man. Its time to get back to drawing. The more time I spend standing
around and watching other books get on bestseller lists and other comic
books sell like hotcakes, that means its the less time I myself am spending
on working, devoting time to achieving my own success. Just because Ive
contributed artwork to one book thats been successful does not mean that I
can sit back and do nothing and just fuck around. It certainly didnt make me
very much money, but theres probably a reason for that.

I do believe that my work does have appeal. I think now its just a matter of
getting it out there and finding an audience, but college and learning come
first, before I try to start my real career. I still have painting and filmmaking
to learn, among other things. Fortunately for myself, entertainment seems to
be in a slump right now, where the major studios and publishing houses
seem to be lacking creative staff or employees with inspired material, or
perhaps this is the way its always been. I dare not profess to be a pioneer,
even though thats what I want to be when I grow up. I dont want to be the
only one who is able to enjoy my crap. I want other people to be able to be
circumvented by this crap just as I have. Heh. I feel dirty for saying this.

I went to writers group at the local Borders about half a year ago. I enjoyed
going, and got to hear other writers share their various works they had the
courage to share with the tiny group sitting around the one six-chair-table
that was reserved for the group each Tuesday. I had been going for a couple
weeks in a row, but never brought anything to share. I never worked up the
nerve.
You should bring something to read, my mother would say to me.
Nah, Id say. Id get nervous or I dont have anything that Id be willing
to show them. All I really have is my journal files right now, and I dont
want to share those in public. Too personal

P a g e | 1028

Mom would give a disappointed sigh, and then wed move on to talking
about other things.

There was this man, a fellow student, in my life drawing class, which I had
every week for a while at the Crealde Institute in Winter Park. He was a very
peculiar student. The teacher in my class for the time was a man named
Christian Slade. Whenever we would draw in class, this one guy would be
over at the side of the room by himself, looking shifty eyed, and rarely
chatting casually with the other students, but always intensely focused on the
model and his current composition whenever it came time to draw. One
session at Crealde, after the class was over, there were only about four
people left in the classroomChristian, one other student, the loner, and
myself. The loner took out his portfolio to show Christian that time, and I
got to see it. This guy, this loner, was easily one of the most skilled artists
in the class. His work showed an obvious mastery of line quality, weight,
liveliness, and anatomical study. But he almost always kept these
spectacular drawings to himself, except for this time when he showed
Christian for a critique. I was utterly blown away by this guys work and
obvious talent, but nonetheless he kept to himself pretty much all the time
during each session, and seemed to be afraid to show the fellow students his
drawings. I have a feeling that this was probably because he was aware of
his quiet genius, he knew he could draw better than nearly everyone in the
class, except our teacher Slade, but did not want to make an obvious upstage
of the rest of the class. This was probably because he knew what doing such
a thing would look like, and was afraid of making himself look like a
pompous asshole. I guess he was much like Michigan J Frog. He couldnt
sing his songs unless no one was around. There are plenty of artists and
writers out there like that, who know he or she has a concrete ability for
what they do, but are afraid of the spotlight. They dont have an
overwhelming desire for attention, or perhaps in the back of their minds fear
rejection. I guess one could say Im kind of like that, timid and shy, except I
think Im a lot better at taking rejection now than I used to be.

P a g e | 1029

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 62

P a g e | 1030

March 2002

Well, got a lot of things done today. Mom was my coach for this day, and
she actually got me to do a lot of stuff. The whole ordeal lasted around four
hours. In that time, I studied the CPT (1 hour), drove around the
neighborhood for driving practice (15 minutes), drew (50 minutes),
exercised, and did web design (1 hour, 20 minutes). So I did quite a few
things in those four hours. And only about an hours worth of breaks was
taken during that time. Now Im writing in this journal from now until
perhaps bedtime, if I dont read or write an essay or something. Also, got all
my schoolwork done in class, on time today. Right now Im feeling really
proud. My parents are proud of me as well. The best part is, for once my
parents are actually letting me write for three hours in a row. Because I got
all the more important things done first.

Now I have all this time to write, but I dont know what to write about right
now. I told a lot of personal stories in the last journal collection. And in the
one that was written partially during September 11th, there was a lot of
philosophical contemplation going on (I just read it yesterday or the day
before), and I found some of it very engaging. I dont know how Im going
to think up anything new to say.

I did make a list in class today, of writing elements that I thought were
important for a writer to know. That list will be useful in the future. Im still
working on my ability to make metaphors and description. I dont seem to
have much of a problem with recurrence, or vocabulary. My metaphors and
descriptions could use some work thoughJackie Chan Adventures will be
coming on TV again very soon.

Now that I think about the CPT, I do think Ive recently been able to
understand algebra better. When I was working on the CPT, like with a lot

P a g e | 1031

of math I work on, I was on the beginning algebra section and I got very
frustrated at one point. Could feel my math disability kicking in. I got so
frustrated, that I softly slammed my head down on the table, then rested it on
the crossed arms in discouragement. Fortunately, Mom was there to keep me
from getting up and walking away to do other things. I got through it
eventually, but I got so frustrated at one point that it made me extremely
mad. Sitting in front of Algebra worksheet papers I dont know how to do
often makes me very mad out of sheer rage and frustration. I really hate
facing math problems I dont know how to do, but I also know that I must
nonetheless do them anyway. Its not easy, like sitting in front of this word
processor and writing about whatever comes to mind, or drawing at my art
table. Those things just sort of come to me. But math makes me fucking
angry.

Got a flier in the mail from Bank of America today, about college loans. On
the cover was a listing of a group of things an apparently large amount of
young people want. Many of the things listed were things Id like to do.
Things such as: Help the homeless, win the Nobel Peace Prize, retire at 30,
write a novel, travel the world, and start my own business. Except, Im not
expecting to retire at thirty. Ill probably the age of seventy and if Ive done
what I love, Id still be working, because it wouldnt really seem like work.
Im sure Id probably still want to write essays at fifty. I get wiser every day,
and when Im fifty, if I still have my memory Ill be very wise. The thing is,
I dont think you need a college education in order to start a business, retire
at 30, write a novel, or win a Nobel Peace Prize in literature. Im not even
sure if Hemingway went to college. Im envious of artists during the 1800s.
If they had a lot of talent, they didnt have to go to school. They became
instant apprentices to the masters, where they spent their entire lives
working on their crafts. There are so many misconceptions about college.
People think that if youre a college graduate with a formal education,
youre automatically entitled to run and own the world, when thats not
always the case for all successful people. College does help you make
contacts, learn new things, find a job to start off with, and develop a rigorous
work ethic if you choose to do so, but for all I know, thats about as far as it
seems to go. But then again, what the fuck do I know. I havent even
graduated from high school and gotten a H.S. diploma yet. Im going to
though. So many people expect the world to hand things to them, and wait to
be given things, even entertainment and knowledge. The key to success is
seeking your own destiny, finding your own vocation, and not waiting for

P a g e | 1032

those things to be handed to you on a silver platter. Ive never waited for
those things. Ive had to seek them out. And Ive decided that for the most
part, I want to make my own success, rather than wait for someone to give it
over to me. Thats partially why I keep this journal, and continue to draw.

Braingoing dead currently. I want to fuck around and read, but I know I
must maintain these writing duties for some reason. I often feel like
something needs to be written, for myself if no one else.

Often, for a book to sell, aside from having good writing, to me, it seems
like the book needs to have a good title. Ernest Hemingways books always
had some of the best literary titles ever. How can one beat True at First
Light, A Farewell to Arms, or For Whom the Bell Tolls. Hemingway has
inspired me to at least try to come up with satisfying and original titles for
the novels I might write one day. I wrote down a couple in class today after I
finished my work, but none of them were of Hemingway caliber. I like them
though, and thought that they showed some story potential. I could probably
develop entire stories based on the titles alone, because for one thing, they
werent inspired by stories I already thought up. I want to write a story about
a colorblind person, which is basically one of the titles I came up with today,
Colorblind. It was inspired by one of my classmates at school, who I
believe is in fact colorblind. I heard him say so. I didnt even know he was
until today. I have the other title or partial titles written down on a half a
sheet of notebook paper, with black pen I think. In the future, I might even
spend a whole half-month of month trying to come up with titles and pretty
much doing nothing else, if my life were to be so luxurious.

One thing I have learned is to never use the very first idea that comes to you
off the top of your head. Use the fifth or sixth one that comes to you after the
first one, at least. This is because, often, the first idea that comes to use has
been done at least ten times before by other people. This is only a concept
however. Theres probably not yet much proof that verifies its true.

Will probably finish that Thunder and Lightning book in a few days. Im
nearly done with it.

P a g e | 1033

I am kind of itching to write a story with a character (most likely an

antagonist) thats a complete dickhead. Finding inspiration for this wouldnt
be hard. I just base him or her on 80% of my classmates Ive gone to school
with, my x-manager Joanne, some of my x-coworkers, Tim K., and my
brother (but not my brother twenty four-seven. It would only be sometimes).
Peace of cake. Theres a plethora of inspiration for this subject, so I need not
worry in that area.

Im having second thought about major publishers. I want to write

something literate and entertaining, not just realistic and entertaining.
Bizarre how I want to write something more literate than your typical
bestseller, yet at the same time I also know a lot less about real world
academic or traditional work than your average best-selling author. How Ill
pull this off I have no idea. But I guess Frank McCourt, Stephen King, and
Dave Eggers have done it, so maybe I can too, but Im not counting on it. Ill
just try to write a book first, and then Ill worry about how literate Ill hope
itll be. That would be the pragmatic and all around sane thing to do. I dont
want to write books to meet other peoples needs. I want to write them to
save myself and maybe a few other people. If I make a decent salary, then
great. If I dont, then Ill just stick to the art thing. That is what Im going to
college for after all. I dont see why people think there has to be such a
distinct line between fiction and nonfiction. Both can tell wonderful and
engaging stories when crafted right. Both can captivate and entertain. I dont
see why a lot of people think that just because something was written and it
wasnt fiction means that it has to be prosaic and boring. I dont view it that
way at all, and theres a decent amount of people who think about it the
same way I do. The most brilliant nonfiction writers are the ones who are
actually able to make nonfiction seem interesting. Textbooks suck. Plain and
simple. When were in school, the things were forced to read are so
unbearable and uninteresting that we get a bad impression of the entire genre
andfor many of usnever want to return to it again. Its sad really.
***
Was thinking about perception: Ive already stated before that if there are
over six billion people who live on this world, there are also six billion
separate perceptions for each of those people. So if there are six billion

P a g e | 1034

perceptions, this also means there are six billion worlds that exist within
those six billion perceptions of each miniature world (each separate
subjective world correlates to a singular perception of the world by one
individual). Basically, if there are six billion people, there are also six billion
hidden dimensions, or worlds, that exist within one finite and ultimate
world, which all those separate inner worlds are grounded upon. One
ultimate, unbiased reality (the objective) to hold all those biased realities
(the subjective) together, like a house constructed with cement as its
foundation. There is one ultimate objective world, which holds all the six
billion subjective worlds in, but no singular objective consciousness, which
holds all the billions of other perceptions in. No one consciousness speaks
for all the subjective worlds that exist within each persons being. This is
because the subjective and the act of perception exist within the individual
mind, and therefore cannot be ultimately objective. Nearly anything that
exists within the mind is open to embodying the subjective. All of this
started with nothingness, and will end with nothingness just as it had begun.
Or at least on this planet it will.
***
I dont know if the world will ever hear these theories of mine, but I write
them primarily for myself, because I enjoy them and trying to figure out
what makes up reality. One of the toughest questions Ive ever heard is what
is beauty? Im still contemplating that one, and will probably be
contemplating it for a long time, as others have been doing throughout the
course of history.

What else to write aboutI used to hate that song Toxicity, by System of
a Down. Now I seem to be enjoying it quite a bit.

And as far as my life is concerned, I may not have the last laugh now, but
when my time comes, I will have the last laugh. As a matter of fact, just
thinking about it, Im laughing already. Ha ha.

I have to get some real things done today. Im just not sure when Im going
to do them.

P a g e | 1035

This is very cool. I was reading the latest issue of Wizard, the comic book
magazine. They were doing polls, for The Best, and the results of it
certainly surprised me. Brian Michael Bendis was named Best Writer, and
Oni Press was named Best Independent Publisher by the general online
voting public. I dont disagree with peoples choices one bit. Oni and Bendis
are good choices. Dark Horse came in last out of all the mainstream
publishers, but I think thats okay, because due to the fact that they still do
creator-owned titles, I still do very much consider them an indie comic book
publisher. The same goes for Image Comics. The only problem with Image
is that they havent really published anything thats new and good since
Powers, Sam and Twitch, and The Red Star. Ive read a few of their other
titlesI dont remember the namesand they suck(ed)a lot. I think Ill
return to doing nothing constructive, watching TV, and reading.

Ive decided that if I ever do become a celebrity, I dont want to be an

attractive celebrity. I dont want to be a sex symbol. At certain points, Ill
probably grow a beard, mustache, goatee, and facial hair, and perhaps dye
my hair blonde. Ive heard kids Ive known suggest that I dye my hair
blonde, and Im seriously thinking about doing that. Blonde or red maybe.
Or maybe Ill just keep it black for the rest of my life.

Did some more reading. Going to do the online web design class, and then
do more reading.

If theres one thing Im very thankful for, its my not being afraid to begin
writing stories anymore. In the next few months, Ill probably start forcing
myself to do various fiction writing exercises and do non-journal practice.
Im going to need to create real fiction stories eventually, and the longer I
wait, the more it will eat me up.

If theres one thing that makes good storytelling, its creative people writing
from experiences theyve had in their hometowns, where they grew up, and
people theyve known. I can think of a million examples. Eminem (Detroit),

P a g e | 1036

Slipknot (Iowa), Stephen King (Maine), Kid Rock (Detroit), John Grisham
(Mississippi), John Steinbeck (California, but only temporarily), Ernest
Hemingway (He came from Illinois, traveled the world, and wrote about
many places he traveled to), M. Night Shyamalan (Philadelphia), Matt
Damon and Ben Affleck (Boston), Quentin Tarantino (California), Kevin
Smith (New Jersey), Brian Michael Bendis (Cleveland, Ohio), Carl Hiaasen
(Florida), Harper Lee (Alabama), Frank McCourt (Ireland, New York), Dave
Eggers (Illinois, California), Ken Wilber (Colorado), and Dave Barry
(Miami).

As the list has clearly demonstrated, it doesnt matter where you live, or
where you came from. What matters is that you create work with heart, and
tell your own personal story, with your own personal touch of character.
This is how you get your own style. You get your own style when you
yourself emerge from your writing.

As for my hometown, I come from a crowded suburban city in Florida,

where my parents and I have driven everywhere.

I wrote a poem today, for todays journal assignment at school. We had to

either have written a story or a poem about spring. I know I looked very gay
doing it, but I wrote a poemand it turned out good. I was proud of what I
had written. After it was handed into Mrs. Toner, she read it, and said, That
poem you wrotes better than half the poems in the Literature book you guys
have to read. I took that as a great compliment, although I didnt think it
was that good, but I was honored shed say such a thing. I might type the
poem up some time in the future, then write some more poems and make a
collection. Now if only I could get people to say things like that about my
art. The art has received compliments before, but not like that. The spring
poem was partially inspired by T.S. Eliots work. In the poem I wrote, I
interposed statements on lying, spiritual emptiness, and one or two other
things. I enjoyed reading it, and wanted to write more that were as sufficient
as that one. I used to think I wasnt able to write poetry. Now I believe that I
can. Its a cool feeling, knowing youve picked up a new skill. At school,
aside from getting my work today done, I also took two of the schools
encyclopedia books to the copier near Mrs. Brannans office, in front of the

P a g e | 1037

waiting area. When there, I printed out some Xeroxed copies of pages that
contained information on Immanuel Kant and Sigmund Freud, about their
theories and whatnot. Both of them were and still are considered very
influential thinkers, so I figured if I had some synopsiss of their main ideas,
it might help contribute to me coming up with some of my own ideas.
Freud was Austrian and had a Jewish heritage, and when Hitler came into
power, Freud fled Austria out of fear for his life, and I believe he either lived
in Australia or some other place, until he died of mouth cancer, which was
caused by the amount of smoking he did. It was the habit that ended up
killing him, not Hitler. Im not sure which ones worse, Cancer or Hitler. As
far as worth goes, theyre pretty much on the same level. Freud would have
benefited from applying some of his own theories to his personal life.
Practicing what he preached.

Have also become interested in the Spanish Civil War, and World War II. I
want to eventually do research on historic events. Speaking of learning,
suppose I might as well list the subjects Ive done in school for the last year
or two: English, Literature, Creative Writing, Government, Economics,
American History, Algebra, Reading Comprehension, Study Skills, Work
Prep., and Oceanography. Some of these subjects are more enjoyable than
others. I usually get As and Bs, and at times an occasional C.
I went up to Mrs. Toner one day.
Do kids actually fail these classes, I asked.
Yes, she said, in a matter-of-fact tone.
Oh. Okay, I said, then returned to my small one seat desk.
And that was the end of that curiosity. I guess apparently, I am not one of
the students who have failed the classes.

When I look at entertainment; books, comic books, TV shows and whatnot,

if I pay attention to the fact that people have to pay for this shit, I realize
theres a lot of money to be made off of entertainment, and there is a place in
the world for it. Nearly any book in my room which I look at, if I think about
it I can realize that someone, somewhere paid money to own a copy of it,
just like I did, and the amount of people would be at least one person, if not
a thousand or hundred thousand. So maybe theres a place on bookstore
shelves for my work after all, or a place on TV station lineups. The truth is,
Im not sure where my work with the most heart will end up. Im not sure if

P a g e | 1038

I really want to see it on the big screen. Theres so much heartless work that
a lot of people are seeing. Im not sure if I want to play a part in that, the
destruction of profitability for traditional entertainment, like the great
American novel. I do love the concept of big business though. I like the idea
that someonepossibly even myselfcan spent a certain amount of money
on producing something, maybe a lot, maybe a little, and get a lot more
money back from it after it ends up in stores or wherever.

I finished reading Thunder and Lightning last night. It was not a bad book,
but it was an easy and quick read and did offer some valuable information
into figuring out how to approach writing a book of some sort. I am no
longer afraid of diving in and writing my first novel and its mostly thanks to
that book. However, my one complaint about the book, or more specifically
the author Natalie Goldberg herself is that sure shes had a successful career
writing books about writing, but shes only written five or so books that
have been published, and only one or two of them is a fictional novel. What
makes her so experienced with writing when shes only written five or so
books that have seen publication? If she wrote twenty or fifty books, Id be
more supportive, but because most of her books are about the craft of
writing and about herself, to me, she comes across as a pretentious, selfabsorbed know-it-all. I say this because I was not all that impressed with her
writing style, or what she considered good writing by other authors, which
I actually found to be pretty dull and boring. She seems to be pretty
impressed with herself. I however am not so impressed. Im sure shes made
a lot of money from her books though, so more power to her. At least shes
able to make a pretty penny from her prose. Not every wannabe can claim
that. Nor can they claim being able to have their work distributed by a major
New York publisher.

Speaking of entertainment that disappoints me, Star Wars, Episode II:

Attack of the Clones looks so very, very bad. Has George Lucas lost his
mind? Ill bet hes actually proud of this. Episode I was bearable and
watchable, but the magazine advertisement I saw in Wizard magazine for
Episode II looked so unbearably pretentious, cheesy, lame and bad. It had an
awkward looking facial shot of what looks to be the films main characters,
all lined up, with a silhouette of a Jedi light saber battle going on
underneath. And underneath the picture, these words were written:
A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love.

P a g e | 1039

Ouch. How lame and pretentious can you get? Thats just horrible. Right
after I read it, I did not feel moved. I spent about a minute laughing at the
thing out of its sheer awkward cheesiness. The gratuitous redundancy kills
the entire effect the promos trying to achieve. The advertisement is trying to
come off as moving and literate, but its trying too hard, and instead comes
across as phony and cheesy. Die Episode II. Die! I think I may even be a
Star Wars hater after seeing that advertisement. If Star Wars fans want
entertainment with universal profundity, they need to stop watching Star
Wars and pick up a book once in a while, such as something by Hemingway
or Tolstoy for something thats truly universal. Not Nor hatred. Nor love.
Thats fucking lame if you ask me.

Liking the idea of writing books. The literary crowd who hangs out in
bookstores like Borders and Barnes and Noble seem to me to be
significantly less geeky than the comic book crowd and fanboys who hang
out in comic book shops. The comic book crowd is a lot weirder. Makes me
glad I want to work in a more mainstream and professional field than simply
writing comic books. Writing a novel is a better gig, especially if its a bestselling, innovative one, which gets a good reaction from the public. The top
selling comic books dont sell anywhere near as well as the top selling
novels by people like Stephen King, Joyce Carol Oates, Dean Koontz, and
Carl Hiaasen. Literary famous is a much more honorable thing to brag about
than comic book famous. Thats why so many comic book creators let the
public know their email addresses, because they have fewer fans than
authors. The thing Im wondering is who has the biggest audience: movies,
TV, or music?

If I wrote a 4,000 word short story, and it were to be published in a literary

magazine, Id most likely get 50 cents per word, so if it took me a month or
a couple weeks to write a 4,000 word story, that would be an instant $2,000
in my pocket for the few weeks I put into it. For me, thats a hell of a lot
more money than I have made. When I was working for Winn-Dixie, Id be
lucky if I made $200 or $300 in four or five weeks, as opposed to the $2,000
I could make in three weeks from doing writing. Maybe I should try to get a
job writing articles for magazines to start off with. When I add it all up, short
story writingif done consistentlycan lead to some pretty decent mullah.
Lets say I write two 4,000 word short stories every month, and I get 50
cents per word, like usual. Thats $4,000 each month. In one year, that

P a g e | 1040

would be $48,000 worth of money, which pays a hell of a lot better than
working as a courtesy clerk or some other low ranking job. And this is for
the kind of writing that doesnt pay royalties based on how well the authors
work does. Of course, its highly unlikely that any writer whos first starting
out would be published that regularly in literary magazines, or would be
capable of coming up with ideas and inspiration of narrative energy that
quickly. I shouldnt be afraid to do writing that isnt my favorite kind to do.
It may pay my bills one day. The art may also.

Whoa. I just did some writing practice today. I began writing the first
chapter, without a direction, and it actually turned out well, almost as good
as a real novel, but it could use some reworking. My fiction writing ability
seems to have come a long way since my first attempt at writing a book
narrative with James and His Newfound Suitcase, which was only about half
a page long: A pathetically dismal amount. This was my first time starting a
chapter from the beginning, from the first chapter, and I actually made it past
the first two paragraphs. I got an entire page done, but then got burnt out.
Either that or I quit for the moment to go watch a newer episode of Jackie
Chan Adventures. But I was having a lot of fun. I titled the story as Chapter
1, Jim. Nothing elaborate. It started out being nothing and then ended up
being about a guy named Jim Edwards being late for work and trying to
dodge his boss. Reading it did draw me in, and my details were much more
involving than the James story, but the descriptions in the story so far needs
work. Im not writing this novel or short story with the intent of publication.
Its content seems too clichd. Im writing it for fun and I wrote it to get
myself to start practicing writing first chapters, or any chapters for that
matter, and I guess I did it. It was a lot of hard work to think up new stuff to
write though. Writing novels seems really hard. I didnt have a problem
getting started. I dont seem to have that with any of my stories. The main
problem, my problem, is having enough stamina to keep going and being
able to last through the whole chapter, the whole book, until the story is
done telling itself. Thats my main problem, keeping up the energy. I have a
lot of stories that Ive started, but very fewif anythat Ive completely
fleshed out and finished. Leaf Season: not finished. James and His
Newfound Suitcase: not finished. Zounds!: not finished. Circus Ninja: not
finished. The Stoopid Show: not finished. Etc, etc, etc. This is amazing. That
mini practice novel I started writing yesterday now has a second chapter,
Chapter 2. Ill probably keep writing it and continuing as long as I can keep
thinking of things to write about. Now, in the second chapter, Im focusing

P a g e | 1041

on the relationship between Jim and his wife, Debra. Its actually shaping up
to make a pretty good story, although I did leave out a lot of descriptions and
details that could have been very good. Im not going off of anything. The
only ideas Im going off of are the idea that Jim is having difficulties with
his job, and something bad his happening to his wife. Everything else in the
story Ive been making up and adding as Ive gone along, and this is mostly
for practice. I have to keep in mind that writing novels is a visual art as well,
and if the descriptions I write down are not clear in my mind, how can I
expect them to be clear in the readers. The simple fact of the matter is that
they wont, so I need to clarify whenever a description gets fuzzy of unclear.
So far, the story Im writing now is a lot better and better written than my
other, older stories, including my scripts. I think the only thing that Ive
written which beats the story, as of now, is my essays and maybe even these
journals. Im just really excited I was able to write another page and one
fifth of a page.

Will probably be reading today. Might even get to reading in a couple

minutes, after Ive written some more in this journal. Writing this journal is
a lot of funeven though it doesnt really amount to anything saleable.
This is because I get to write about anything that comes to mind, any
perceptions, observations, motivations, inspirations, influences, ideas, and
many other things. Its fun getting to write whats on my mind. Im just very
proud of myself right now for actually getting myself to write a first and
second chapter for a pseudo-book. My chapters are a lot shorter than those
of a real book would be. My chapters only seem to be a page or two long
now. But Im sure thats natural. Over time, if I work at it, I will most likely
build up stamina and get myself to be able to make them longer as time goes
on. Ive never written in that narrative form before, so I generally feel like in
the last day and a half, Ive been doing something new and foreign. Or at
least by my standards.

Going to have to do a couple things today. Exercise, study the CPT, read for
my book report, perhaps draw, and do some web design if its possible. Ill
just have to take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day as my life
moves on and into infinity: The infinity of the cosmos.

P a g e | 1042

Have been wondering, can we actually see nothingness? On this planet, it

seems as if were not able to actually see nothingness. Were surrounded
entirely by various forms of being, whether its the color of the sky, or the
cold ground itself. So perhaps, through human perception, you cannot have
nothingness unless you have being to contrast with it. Does thin air contain
nothingness? Does space and the universe? Is time made of nothings because
we cannot see it, or does it consist of intangible form? How about wind?

Cant believe Im graduating in May. Thats only two months away! Its
tough to believe high school is almost already over. It went by so fast. In a
blur almost. Id better get back to drawing. Im going to be taking another
class at Crealde in Winter Park in a few weeks, most likely.

The urge to kill is caused by raw unclean and unclear emotions that rise to
the surface of ones physical action and mind when their emotions are not
completely connected and in tune with their spirits. People probably end up
killing because theyre out of touch with themselves, their victims, and
reality in general. When killers kill, they dont see a living being with
feelings just like them in front of their eyes. They see something below a
living being, an object, that is hindering them in some way, and their lost
emotions feed upon that. Thats my theory about killers. Ive never killed
anyone, but when I was a young teenager, there would be times when I got
mad and would imagine killing someone I really hated, like kids at school.
What I have just written down is the mindset I believe it requires someone to
have in order to kill. But Im sure theres a lot more to it than just this. I
guess Im just trying to answer the question of why people kill. Is it possible
for a single person to want to kill every single person on this earth, both the
good and bad people, including themselves. Surely even serial killers and
people who try to commit genocide must have compassion for somebody, if
not only themselves.

Read another two chapters out of Flowers for Algernon, then sat down with
Mom, Dad, and Andy and had dinner. They squabbled a bit, but it was still
nice sitting with them, having dinner with them. Also, before that, I went out
driving with mom to Borders, where it wasnt too crowded. I pretty much
went into the store and looked around the usual places I look, but didnt

P a g e | 1043

really talk to anyone, and I didnt make eye contact with very many people.
It made me feel kind of lonely. After I left the store and got back to the
minivan where Mom was waiting, and I drove us home, I told Mom about
how Id kind of like to have a job when Im an adult, after college, where I
can interact with people more people than now. Being a novelist, for the
most part, would probably not do that, except if I went on a tour to promote
a book of mine.

Now that Im finished with Thunder and Lightning, Ive decided on another
book to read. It will be a more challenging one than the Natalie Goldberg
title. Its The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. Along with this, Im still
reading three other books. Tis, Little Green Men, and True at First Light. It
appears that once again, my best friend has lately become whatever book
Im reading. Im not lonely. The characters in the booksand my family
keep me company. I dont like the kids at school all that much except for a
few, and theres not that many kids that go to my school. Maybe a little more
than 40. My parents dont understand why I write so much. Its because
creating is like breathing to me. Ive told them this many times, but theyre
always telling me how its not healthy to fixate on things like my writing. I
disagree. They dont see the things I write all the time. Its not like I write
things like I hate school. I am hungry. Why are adults so stupid? I am
lonely. I am suicidal. Society sucks. Thinking about my freshman year of
high school makes me sick. all the time, and words with no appeal to them
whatsoever. All this writing in this journal and on my pseudo-book chapters
and in my essays is preparation for my possible career as a writer. It heals
me as well. I write all these things in hope that it will better prepare me for
when I attempt to write my first book, or try to get a job writing articles for a
magazine or some such. Theres no way to measure the amount of
knowledge contained in one persons mind. Most people dont know how
much knowledge they really own within their mind. I dont know how much
data my brain holds. A lot, Im assuming.

Do really need to cut down on the amount of Diet Pepsi I consume. At times,
Ive gone through four or five cans of the shit a day. I would like to cut it
down to one or two cans a day. Perhaps Im addicted to caffeine. Oh well.
At least I dont seem to take Advil pills recreationally anymore.

P a g e | 1044

May read some of The Grapes of Wrath tonight before bedtime.

I dont hold any delusion. My health is probably going downhill. I fear this,
and it probably is true. Consistent exercise and curtailing bad eating habits
will help, but probably not much.

When I hear compliments from people about my creative work, it makes me

all warm and tingly inside. Its positive ego gratification, because this
writing is not just for myself. It is what will hopefully be for the casual
reader, who enjoys good artwork and good writing. So in a single week, Ive
written a real poem and two pseudo-novel chapters. Dont dare seem to look
back at very much of my more recent writing. I just create so many words
that its impossible to keep track of them all, keep track of all the paragraphs
and all the pages. Its fucking impossible. But I can appreciate it. The thing I
like best about it is that if it were written by someone else who I didnt even
knowlets say I was browsing a store and picked up a copy of this work
I think Id like it just as much, although these journals can be quite selfabsorbed at times, but many other peoples writing probably comes off as
just the same way, so I need not worry.

Resting in casual awareness. Loving the universe, loving God (therefore

loving the same thing), loving everyone I meet, and admitting my ineptitude
in the face of visionaries and geniuses whos inventive volume far outweighs
mine, who make me feel like an idiot. People like Freud, the Buddha,
Einstein, Darwin, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., da Vinci, Hemingway,
Norman Rockwell, Yoshitaka Amano, Akira Kurosawa, Spielberg, Kubrick,
Mozart, Kant, Wittgenstein, and the Dalai Lama.

The thing is, now that I was able to start writing a phony book, the process
of being able to finish a book doesnt seem as magical to me as it once did.
Im not as impressed with published authors as I used to be. Still very
impressed with painters and filmmakers though. Maybe my reverence for the
former will change once I finish taking some painting classes at Crealde,
Valencia, or the Art Institute. Perhaps Ill take a painting class in all three of
them. If that happened, Id say Isnt that grand!?

P a g e | 1045

If one should worship anything, they should worship the utter luminosity of
human warmth and compassion. These entities are more tangible than many
other things I have been witness to.

Read an article in the paper about how George W. Bush was offering his
condolences to the families of two soldiers who died a day or two ago in the
war currently going on in Afghanistan.
They fought for a just and noble cause, he told them as he himself wept
openly. I saw the photograph, which showed a silent tear forming at the
bottom or Bushs eye as he tried to keep himself from losing control.
Its nice to see an American president embodying some compassion once in
a while. It warms my heart to see a leader that can have such a good heart at
times. Al Gore or George W. Bush. It doesnt matter whom you voted for or
thought really won the campaign battle then. Now is now, and its better if
we can accept now, rather than cling to our conceptions about something
that happened a year or two ago. Live in the moment of now, even if you
cannot alter the past or future. This is what I believe.

Going to bed now.

Its early today, so Im not sure how Im going to approach today. Will
probably read some out of Flowers for Algernon and The Grapes of Wrath,
and maybe work on some of the web design, or do some drawing.

Before I attempt to write a book or do something else in the semi-distant

future, I should probably ask the question: Could I really handle the things
that come with being a public figure? Could I handle the questions,
attention, public scrutiny, criticisms, accusations, speculation, admiration,
and pressure to produce new work? Could I handle the lifestyle? Its often
one that requires constant travel across the country. Could I handle living in
hotel rooms across the country and sleeping in overnight flights? It might
very well be like that Washington D.C. fieldtrip I had in middle school,
where I had to share hotel rooms with classmates and had to sleep on the
large, comfortable bus in the early hours of the morning. I remember

P a g e | 1046

sleeping on that bus with headphones over my ears. I was actually listening
to Marilyn Mansons Antichrist Superstar album at the time. I am not a goth.
How I fell asleep to an album that loud and violent Ill never know.
Especially now. My mind has changed so much since those middle school
days. The blinds were pulled down to the windows of the bus and I actually
found it quite easy to fall asleep in, even with loud music. I used to love
sometimes angry, hyperactive rock music. I still do sometimes, but now Im
into more melodic things mostly. I want something soothing and relaxing, to
comfort me. Maybe it coincides with my spiritual progress.

Mot sure if Ill write a third chapter to the story, which Ive been working
on, today.

From 12:00 p.m. to 1:00 p.m., I basically did nothing for an hour, but then I
began reading some. While I was reading, enjoying a book, something
occurred to my mind, and, like usual, I still dont know where the thought
came from. It was about science:

Science is very precise, and often demands conclusive evidence and proof.
Scientific data answers the how down to the minutest detail. But it does not
answer the why. Science doesnt tell us why things happen. Religion,
spirituality, and mysticism answer the question of why. But they do not
answer the how. Science and mystical phenomena are correlative in the fact
that you need both of them to answer both the questions of how and why. If
you want to answer both questions, you cannot have one without the other,
because when answering both questions, how and why, an enquirer cannot
substitute one concept for another, or vice versa, regardless of how much
effort he or she puts into it. This is my theory. Maybe it will lead into
something else, and create a new theory. That happens sometimes. One can
only hope.

Started reading The Grapes of Wrath. Damn. It seems like such a hard book,
but rewarding and inspiring all at the same time as well. I had to reread
many parts out of the first chapter. The description was so elaborately
amazing. Some good news for myself is that Im about to finish Flowers For

P a g e | 1047

Algernon pretty soon, and probably in about two or three days, Ill start
planning out how I should write the book report.

A gray calm seems to be setting over the house now. It is not a visible gray.
Mostly what I see is black, not gray, but I can feel it, the gray, and calmness.
Actually listened to more of the anxiety tapes again. This is either my
second or third time listening to both the tapes in their entirety. I think in the
next round, Im going to start taking notes to help me remember the things I
hear in them better.

Why am I so afraid of falling asleep in front of the computer? I think I might

be doing that now.

Going to make a new belated New Years resolution. It will probably to not
visit any online message boards (especially comic book ones) or aspiring
artists archives. I think Im going to primarily spend my time looking at
online resources, like agent listings, articles, publishing house websites, and
things like that. Ill try to use my time more effectively from now on. No
more wasting my time reading geeks posts. They never say anything decent
anyway.

It seems as if anyone can use the words being and form, but how you apply
them largely depends on what context theyre used in. Some may use the
words merely to sound intelligent, rather than trying to develop concrete
theories that delve into unraveling the underlying nature of reality. How
concrete the use of big words is should be measured by what context theyre
used in. Sartre was a guy who truly understood being, or at least had a
concrete conviction of what it meant to himself. I hope to one day be able to
understand it as well as he did. The only problem is, he is a master, and Im
a mere fool.

Its tough to believe one has access to so much information every time they
access the Internet. All you have to do is go to a single website to pull up a
list of nearly every one the major philosophers, artists, or physicists of the

P a g e | 1048

past. Its amazing that people spend the time to research all of this
information and bring it to us. Its like going to the library, except its
through a computer. We dont really have to pay for this information. We
merely need to pay the monthly $20 fee in order to access the Internet, and
for a mere $20, we have electronic access to far more information than we
can handle in a single month. For $20 once a month, we have access to a
whole years worth of education and knowledge, possibly even more than
that. Its quite mind-boggling. It scares me to think about how much more
information and technology well have in the next ten years. If I went to
sleep now, and woke up ten years later in the same place, Im sure the
location I woke up inas well as the entire worldwould seem foreign to
me. I guess in my opinion, the four information utopias are libraries, the
Internet, bookstores, and colleges. I can get lost for hours on computers and
in books, doing various things, reading various things.

Well, I have not been to a message board in the last couple of hours, but I
did get to visit www.chuckjones.com, and it was nice to see all the tribute
articles that had been written in various publications about him. He truly has
been one of the biggest inspirations and influences on my artwork, but its
not really the same now that hes passed away. Ill never get the chance to
meet the guy now. Maybe in a future lifetime, or perhaps in the afterlife,
when I arrive at the pearly gates. I wont know where Ill end up after Im
dead until Im dead, which in a way is kind of cool. It allows me to have a
curiosity about life after death.

Sometimes I wish I would have given up the art and writing thing a long
time ago, and pursued being a professor, accountant or something instead.
But during this time, a little voice has always kept telling me to keep
pursuing my dreams, because they will amount to something significant one
day. Ive never known what caused this voice, or where it came from, but
Ive trusted it. It keeps telling me that I have abilities, and those abilities
might very well change the world in some way one day. The change these
supposed abilities bring about might be big, and it might be smallthey
might pay my bills and they might notbut theres no way of telling which
one ahead of time. Its gotten to the point where, at times, Ive trusted that
voice more than Ive trusted the world itself. I guess it might partially be
because at times it seems like the art and writing are the only things I really
know how to do well, and at times theyre what bring me the most joy. Im

P a g e | 1049

not all that good at being an adult, and Im not very skilled at driving and I
dont seem to have much of an inclination for mathematics, history,
economics, or countless other kinds of academic subjects. So the creativity
and the Attention Deficit Disorder at times can be a blessing and a curse at
the same time. But Im kind of apprehensive about using the word
blessing. Im not a Catholic or Jesus kind of person by any means. Jesus is
not my savior. I have to save myself in this life. Usually, Ill use the word
blessing because as a noun because Ill often be too lazy to think of any
other way to describe a positive aspect of life, so Ill end up using blessing.

There are so many great masters of the macabre to study, aside from the
obvious choices, Stephen King and Dean Koontz. Therere great lesser
known people (at least nowadays) who do all kinds of different crazy stories.
Ill name as many as I can: Tim Burton, Edward Gorey, Richard Matheson,
Edgar Allen Poe, H.P. Lovecraft, Peter Straub, Chris Carter, M. Night
Shyamalan, Jhonen Vasquez, Roman Dirge, Dave Barry, Bram Stoker, Wes
Craven, Ray Bradbury, and of course Vincent Price. These are the main ones
that come to mind.

Whew. Thats a lot of stuff to list.

Today, I found out where Im behind in web design, and I caught up a little
on the hard stuff. Now all I have left is easy things. Might read a journal file
today. Still deciding. Im definitely going to read some out of Flowers for
Algernon though.

I discussed Crealde with my father earlier, and we decided on which class

Id be taking. He signed me up for one. This time Im going to be taking
Introduction to Pastels, because Ive been interested in learning how to use
pastels for a while. I think its about time to start at least trying to learn how
to use color media for my artwork. I really want to learn how to work with
computers, colors, and paints, and I want very badly to know how to paint.
Not sure when the classes will be starting. Im sure Ill know soon enough.
The classes will be starting soon enough.

P a g e | 1050

Last night, I got some more drawing done, and it was after I had went to bed,
after 10 p.m.. I got restless, so I walked over from my bed to my drawing
desk and drew some things in one of my small little sketchbooks. It was a
guys face, and a large hand next to him. The guys hair was spiky, his face
shadowy, and his nose elongated. Was pleased with the way it turned out.
There was something about the compositionmaybe the way the two
drawings overlapped each other to create what looks like one large
compositional massthat reminded me of some comic book covers, kind of
like certain ones Frank Cho does for Liberty Meadows when its in comic
book form. The drawings I did dont look anything like a Frank Cho
drawing though, which is good because hes been one of my influences, but
at least the influence of other artists doesnt show through too much in my
work.

Currently, my mind is drawing a blank. Thats OK however. I wont always

be able to come up with something to write about. Perhaps this would be a
good time to switch to drawing or reading books.

When I think about it, I find characters in novels to be more real, like living
flesh and blood, than characters in comic books and cartoons, which should
probably have been obvious before. The reason is most likely because when
Im reading a novel, going through the chapters, when I try to visualize the
characters, the authors mission is to make it so that I visualize real people in
the tangible world, rather than pieces of art that exist on a page or TV
screen. I dont know if this has anything to do with why novelists make
more than the majority of comic book writers, but my gut tells me it might.

Not nervous or anxious at all about how I used my time today. I took a
shower, got up to date on where Im supposed to be on my web design, sent
an email back to Stephen Hill, listened to an anxiety tape again, for the third
or fourth time in a row, got signed up for my newest class at Crealde, looked
through semi-recent drawings, and theres nothing Im really worried about
not being able to finish. I could have worked on another chapter for my
story, but I can do that on a different day.

P a g e | 1051

Im considering making some writing up some practice articles, so that if I

want to write articles for newspapers and national magazines professionally,
Ill be prepared for that too. I perhaps could start out by picking out articles I
likeor even ones I dont likeand rewrite them in my own words, my
own voice, so that it would be like me writing my own article, except it
wouldnt really be researched and would be based on pre-existing material.
Doing that might get me a job one day. I also need to keep working on
narrative storytelling, character dialogue, and description. Im not as
discouraged about my future anymore. I feel much more now like I have a
real sense of direction and purpose. And an ability or method to achieve my
goal. Maybe Ill make a lot of money one day. Ive been thinking this for a
long time, but now it actually seems more like a possibility. A possibility to
become reality. I work really hard, and I think my hard work is going to pay
off one day.

8:29 p.m. So lets see. Whats on the Amazon.com bestseller list right
now? Some good books partially. John Grisham, Stephen King, A Beautiful
Mind, The Universe In a Nutshell by Stephen Hawking.

P a g e | 1052

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 63

P a g e | 1053

March 2002

Today should be a good day. Ive got some reading to do, and then I move
onto who knows what. Im not sure what Im going to do now. Probably get
another can of Diet Pepsi, and read some.

8:28 p.m.: Just had dinner, and more than overdue for a shave. Id kind of
like to shave this goatee of mine off. Im growing tired of it. Did manage to
do some web design today, read some more out of Flowers For Algernon,
and did some drawing. Now my hands are kind of shaky, and Im feeling
kind of nervous, perhaps about the future. Its so uncertain right now. Im
not sure whether Im going to the Art Institute or Valencia. My parents and I
are still trying to decide. I guess I kind of misheard them yesterday. I dont
have to go to the Art Institute my first year after college, but my parents
think its a good idea, because I might not be able to get in as a transfer
student from Valencia. If I do go to the Art Institute, I should make a list of
all the things I want to accomplish before I have to go off to college. Im
scared, quite frankly. The ambiguity actually scares me for a change. Im
glad I got some drawing done today. I have to build that passion up for the
drawing again. I drew some small sketches today in my sketchbook (three,
to be precise) and Im pretty sure I could relate to them. In a way, I think
they correlated to some of my more recent emotive states: Fear and anger. I
have so much prospect and potential to do great things. I dont know why I
should be feeling like this.

I had Ramen Noodle soup for dinner not even fifteen minutes ago. Ive
never seen a dark red bowl of soup look so delicious. It was practically
begging me to drink its soup, eat the noodles and digest both of them,
leaving the bowl itself deserted and alone. I made it myself, because Mom is
at Jo Ann Cooks office, discussing my current college situation with her,
before I see Jo Ann in tomorrows session. Dad is at work, like usual.

P a g e | 1054

I dont want to be part of the world. I kind of want to disappear completely. I

know Ill be part of the world one day and will have to work very hard at all
kinds of crafts one day, and theres a good chance Ill be successful. But
right now, I just want to hide out in my housemy place of comfort, my
sanctuaryand disappear completely. I know this hiding from the world is
not a healthy thing to do, but my feelings are telling me to stay some place
safe for now to maintain my emotional stability, and my room seems like the
safest place around. Im pulling a J.D. Salinger right now. I think Im
starting to conquer my anxiety about being outside. So why do I want to stay
in so much if that is so? I dont think its the people that are keeping me
away. Its probably my uncertain emotions. I dont know. I dont feel
completely stable right now. Basically, the only things I want are rest and
comfort. Why am I being so bohemian and mysterious right now? Ever since
I was little, I always needed every now and then to be alone. I guess this is
just one of those times. Suppose I should just accept my feelings and not get
upset too much. That would be the healthiest thing to do.

Im daydreaming again. How I wish I could write a book of some sort

either fiction or nonfiction, but probably fictionthat would be as
successful on a national and international level like, say A Heartbreaking
Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers, or A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia
Nasar. Id like to write a book along those lines maybe. Id be very content
with that level of success, being famous on a literary level. But God would I
have to do a lot of touring and promotion if I wrote a book that sold as many
copies as those did (Id estimate around 500,000 or more), and was as
successful as those titles. The thing that really gets me is that there might be
a possibility of reaching that level of success one day in the distant future.
First, I need a good idea for a book. Then, I need to write the book, make it
all the way through, finish writing it, and edit, edit, edit. When I would write
the original manuscript, the hardcover version would go into publication and
I could sit back and collect royalty checks for a year while I go on a book
signing tour. Then the paperback version would get released, and Id get
royalty checks for a year for the paperback version. How much money I
might earn, I really have no idea. I wont until I get there. Other than
promoting my book, Im not sure if Id get any other kind of treatment.

P a g e | 1055

Maybe its time to reflect on those two mini-chapters I wrote, and how I can
improve my writing for the next time I write another chapter. Every new
chapter I write brings me one step closer to being a better writer. Am also
planning on writing essays, articles, poems, columns, and reviews. Am not
sure which one will be the hardestarticles or reviews? Ill find out soon
enough.

If and when I get the chance to see, visit, or live in New York City, Im
definitely planning on checking out the various comic book shops there. Ive
heard about a couple I want to visit. Ive recently heard of three: Midtown
Comics, Jim Hanleys Universe, and St. Marks Comics.

And dont even get me started on New York City book and CD stores. There
are at least 100 bookstores in the Manhattan area alone. I looked it up on the
Internet. It kind of makes sense that there would be so many book and comic
book shops in New York, because thats where the publishers are located.

I think Ill go read now.

Have been having some nightmares lately, where creative people, who are
more successful than I am and make more money than I do, sneak into my
bedroom at night, read my mind, scan my thoughts, and steal my ideas for
their own use, to make money off of my ideas. And I cannot do anything
about it because theyre copyrighted the ideas, and formatted them, whereas
I was only able to think them up at that point. In a way, I do have that fear of
having people steal my ideas. Im surprised. I usually dont remember my
dreams or nightmares, but this time I did. Im sure if I remembered a lot of
my dreams more clearly, Id write about them more often. Maybe when
Edgar Allen Poe, H.P. Lovecraft, and William Shakespeare got their ideas
for the supernatural, perhaps some of their ideas came to them in dreams.
Dreams wield such imaginative power that its a shame many of us dont
remember most of them. Lately Ive been thinking about vampires. At this
moment, I would like to write a story about a vampire or vampires. I know
its clich, but it just seems like a cool subject to write about. Its all part of

P a g e | 1056

the supernatural, and I want to eventually get around to telling stories, which
involve the supernatural and paranormal. Or better yet, illustrating those
stories. I like stories that take place in contemporary culture and I like
philosophy. But I also like stories about fantasy and the preternatural. So
Ive been thinking for a while, why not tell both these groups of stories in
your own voice and then combine these various elements into one big
amalgam? And then, I think, I can take that amalgam, and tell this hybrid
style and utilize it in all kinds of different mediumsnovels, comic books,
animation, television, film, and illustration. What Ill end up with I have no
idea, but thats part of what makes it so fun. If I knew exactly where I was
going, Id get bored with my work and quit. A lot of the fun exists in the fact
that I dont know where Im really going until I actually get there.

Id like to think of something else to write about, but I seem kind of blocked
right now. Im going to have to be leaving the house in about forty-five
minutes, so I dont really have much time to write. I could say something
about drawing, but Ive probably already said something similar to it before
in one form or another. Maybe I could even eventually talk about the room
Im writing my journal in right now.

Someone one just rang the doorbell next to the front door of my familys
house. I didnt answer it. Pretended I wasnt there. Im not sure whom it is,
but Im pretty certain its just someone whos come to fix the roof or
something, so its not really a big deal. Im kind of hiding out in the house
right now, so that whoevers outside wont be able to see me. I dont want to
have to talk to whoevers out there. I dont really care that much. Im
slumped over this computer chair like a corpse, trying to type with my head
tilted tenaciously to the left, so that the potential roof fixer, if he sees my
silhouette through the computer room blinds, will maybe think Im asleep
and was not able to hear the echoing sound of the doorbell, which bellows
throughout our house whenever someone arrives. I dont like answering the
door if I dont know whos standing outside. Whenever the doorbell rings,
that usually means its someone I dont know most of the time. I wasnt
joking when I said I want to disappear completelyAnd how the hell is this
shit going to make inspiration for a novel?? What the hell kind of novel
could I write based on a situation like this? The only story I can think of
possibly making up would be one about a guy who coups himself up in his
own house and doesnt answer the door most of the time, for reasons known

P a g e | 1057

only to him and the reader of the story. I really need to get a life. Im
reduced to hiding from doorbell-ringers and trying to find inspiration in it
from random journal writing. I cant tell whether this will lead to nothing or
something significant. Im hoping for the latter.

Aside from that, she also spoke of the editing process that goes with writing
a book, and made for a very enlightening teacher. She spoke about how
when you work with an editor, youll get your manuscript sent back to you
for revisions where there will be a whole bunch of red pen marks on the
page. But you have to accept that, because thats part of the book editing
process, and thats the editors job, to edit. The basic point is that if you
want your book to be read by the widest possible audience, than you have to
ruthlessly edit your manuscript, and cut out a lot of words. The wider the
audience means the more adjustments and omissions the author will need to
make to their manuscript after the first draft. Id better be prepared for this. I
also have to remember that just because an editor makes you cut out a
chapter or two, that doesnt mean your works not good or that the editor
dislikes your work. Editors, for the most part, want to help and make you
writing the best it can be. You may disagree with them, but they are the ones
who are helping to publish your book, so youd sure as hell better listen to
them.

Im so obsessive about bestseller lists. I guess I do hope to write a bestseller

one day like any author, but I dont know. Maybe Im being kind of
obsessive about this. Im constantly studying pop-literature so much that I
check the Amazon.com best-book list (my favorite part to look in is fiction)
nearly hourly, or bi-hourly, if Im not working at writing in this journal or
drawing. I dont view it as obsessing about money, because I dont know
how much money many of the books make, orfor most of themhow
many copies they sell. I only know their rank, and I know that if you write
an Amazon.com top-ranked bestseller, your book can easily sell a couple
hundred thousand copies. Im not obsessing about money. I simply view it
as observing the market, and studying good business. I dont know if all this
compulsive economic contemplation is a healthy thing, but my mother
would probably say no, its not. I however think of it as something I like
doing. I guess one of my more beneficial traits is that I have ability, drive,
and passion for what I do. I dont want to give up either art or writing. Dont
want to have to choose. I want to be good in both.

P a g e | 1058

There are two things Im planning on doing tonight: Reading the near end of
Flowers For Algernon and possibly listening to the new anxiety tapes Ive
gotten. There are times when I simply cannot listen to reason, even if it
means accepting ambiguity. Most of the time, it goes without question that I
have to listen to my heart and do my own thing, regardless of what my
friends, my family, strangers, or the rest of the world thinks. This may make
me happy, and this may make me miserable and poor. Theres no way of
knowing until I actually achieve my goal. Ill admit it. When it comes to
attempting to reach my goal, I can be an irritating, stubborn, workaholic, but
the plus side is Im not afraid to admit it. And I take full credit for my
actions, both the positive and the negative.

Was having a conversation with Mom, where and was not feeling too good
about myself. So I was asking questions to Mom about what she thought of
my less than admirable traits. And it ended like this
Do you still think Im a good person? I asked with worry on my mind. Of
course, she said as she smiled softly. And that made me smile too. A
mothers affection can make a person feel healed, and I think thats what I
was. Healed.
As a matter of fact, she continued, You may not agree with this, but
when I was going on an errand in the car a day ago, when I was leaving the
house, I said What a great guy, and I thanked God for bringing you into
our lives.
I know I have good intentions, and do not want to hate anyone or upset the
world. Im lazy and I make mistakes just like everyone else, but I still
manage to love myself, but not in an egotistical way, and thats all that
matters.

I dont think Ill ever be as good of a writer as John Steinbeck or Ernest

Hemingway. God. I dont know how Id get that good.

Ah, romance. I like romance, but it doesnt work very well in my life. Its
not that I dont have time for it. Its just that Im not very good at handling
it. Im awkward with it. There have been quite a few girls my age or near my

P a g e | 1059

age who Ive been attracted to, maybe even in love with. Theres Tammy,
Amanda, Liliana. Then there are some who I have seemed interested in out
of pure lust. And speaking of lust, Im definitely hornier when Im not on
my medication, which is a bad thing, because I dont like walking around
with a big hard-on. The difference that goes with being off my medication
not because I skip dosages recently, but because I noticed it when I used to
skip dosages, when I didnt like taking medication in my early high school
years.

Im fascinated by the American time period from 1850 to 1950, because it

seems as if there was an American creative renaissance going on during this
time period. This was a time when such great artists and writers were alive.
Artists and writers such as Norman Rockwell, Dean Cornwell, John Singer
Sargent, Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar
Allen Poe, and quite a few others others, which I dont remember right now.
Im just a regular guy, who lives among regular people, but Ive lived from
1983 to 20--. Im not sure what year Ill live to, but I dont think I want to
know either. No one really knows when he or she is going to die. I dont,
and I dont think I want to. Among the last three years alone, weve lost such
great entertainers as Douglas Adams, Chuck Jones, one of the founders of
Hannah Barbara, Ken Kesey, George Harrison, David Angel who worked as
a producer on Frasier, Dave Thomas, and Charles M. Schulz.

Finished reading Flowers For Algernon today. That book should make an
interesting book report.

Checked the mail, and found out that today, I received an award. I think it
happened through teacher recommendation. It was a letter that was
informing my parents and I that Ive been recommended to be included in
the 36th annual edition of Whos Who Among American High School
Students, 2001-2002, and from what I read in the letter, its a title thats
reserved for only about 5% of Americas high school students each year. It
says Ill be receiving a congratulatory letter on April 1st, 2002 from the
publisher, Parke H. Davis, and a student data form to fill out. I guess since
1967, this has been known as an award to recognize the achievements of the
United States outstanding high school students, and I guess for some

P a g e | 1060

reason, I was one of the students chosen to participate. I was looking at their
website (www.honoring.com), and it seems this award is actually quite
prestigious (and a lot of now-young, rich, and famous people have been
honored in the past), which surprised me. I told Mom that I honestly dont
believe I deserve to receive an academic award, which is considered that
prestigious. She gave me a funny look, and told me that I deserve it and need
to be proud of this, and I suppose, on a certain level, I am proud. It makes
me think that maybe there is something special and unique about me.
Something that doesnt exist in every other kid.

Besides, she told me. Youll be able to use it on your college

applications and job resumes. She did have a good point. This award might
even make it easier for me to find a job in the future. That would definitely
be a plus.
I won a bunch of other awards in elementary school, including a statewide
one for an animated short film which I did character designs for, Fat Fish
Frank and an elementary school Artist of the Month kind of award for my
colored rendition of Van Goghs Starry Night painting, which Ive liked
enough to hang on one of the walls in my room with a black frame around it.

I like art and I like writing. I like the process of creating. But the art and
writing communities are a different story entirely. If theres one thing I
can appreciate, its a genuinely good-natured and humble artist. But theres
one problem that goes with creativity: When one creates something new that
did not previously exist, it can make it easier to develop arrogance and rather
than seeing ourselves for what we are, human beings, we take the chance of
mistaking ourselves for something greater than we are, gods, and in turn we
develop frighteningly large egos in the process. This is the wrong way to go
about. As humans, we are not gods. We are humans, and we need to love
each other and understand each other like humans. This is only my opinion,
of course.

P a g e | 1061

I present it to you a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and

receive affection leads to a mental and moral breakdown, to neurosis, and

possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in
itself as a self-centered end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can
only lead to violence and pain
-Daniel Keyes, Flowers For Algernon
I definitely believe that quote.

Been watching a movie on TV. Contact. Its such a wonderful, brilliantly

executed, and moving film. I wanted to live in that films world. Its movies
like that one that confirm its not always a crime to work in mainstream
filmmaking. Robert Zemeckis has got to be one of my favorite film
directors, right alongside Spielberg, John Woo, Ron Howard, Walt Disney,
John Lasseter, Kurosawa, some anime film directors, and M. Night
Shyamalan. Some of the best movies and all-around stories have science
fiction themes set in real world situations. Such as Contact, Jurassic Park,
and Flowers for Algernon. Speaking of that book, theres two movies I want
to see in the semi-near future: Charly and Being There.

When we speak of physics, we often cannot help but also think of the
cosmos itself. With the most powerful telescope, were actually able to look
more than millions of miles into the depths of the cosmos, and actually see
star formations that happened many, many years before this current moment.
We can actually see what parts of the universe looked like before the
Renaissance or the Civil War happened. This fascinates me. Its simple facts
like this that make me sometime feel a desire to become a physicist, even
though Im really quite the idiot when it comes to even simple physics
formulas. Even with my ignorance, the interest in the subject is still there.
Thats one of the reasons I read The Elegant Universe not too long
agoIve an anxiety tape to finish listening to tonight.

I guess I can say Im an award-winning high school student now. Seems

like a good start to my future career.

P a g e | 1062

Did get a chance to listen to that anxiety tape earlier tonight, and got to read
some. Im considering watching TV, but I felt like writing, so I went to the
computer.

Was watching a VH1 special on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They
mentioned the band R.E.M. possibly being eligible for induction in 2007.
Damn. I have enough difficulty trying to imagine what the world will be like
in 2003, but when they brought up 2007, it amazed me. It was almost like
going through a time portal when they mentioned possible events of the
future. I dont even know if Ill be alive in 2007. Ill probably have been
graduated from whichever college I go to by then1999-2002. These years
seem to be distinctive in my mind. Its like the four years where I suddenly
became conscious of the world, probably because I started chronicling the
events of my life in this computerized journal. Ive written and drawn so
much during the course of these last few years. Its like since Ive done so
much creative work already, but pretty much no one has seen it, Ive kind of
ended up asking myself, Where do I go from here? Every single day
wields new surprises. In less than four years, Ive already probably written
over 1,000 typed up journal pages. I cant write journals for eternity, and
probably not even for the rest of my life. How much longer until I call it
quitsor at least go on an inner literary exploration hiatusand actually do
some real writing? How long until I stop being so self-absorbed and instead
focusing on transcending the self, rather than obsessing about the self?
Maybe the reason I write in these journals so much is because I see
something in them. Something more universal than personal. Something
thats not all about my own self. To be honest, Im sick of hearing about
myself and focusing on my own accomplishments, so I feel like I need to
stop, before this goes too far.

I woke up this morning, and there was an opened bottle of Nyquil and
freshly used medicine cup, with purple liquid in it, sitting on the kitchen
counter. I fear that my brother bought the Nyquil, and took it when he was
not supposed to. He claims hes been sick, but Ive seriously had doubts.

P a g e | 1063

Mom and Dad are away at Disneyworld with the Gureros today. Dad and
Mom gave me $20 last night so that Andrew and I could order something
from Pizza Hut. Andrews lying on the couch with his back against itin
the living roomand watching television currently. I cant really tell if hes
in a Nyquil-induced state right now. I dont want any part in what hes
doing, but he was watching Jackie Chan Adventures with me early. I think
he may have been high, but at least we got to bond. I wonder if we would
have been bonding, had he not taken the Nyquil. It kills me watching my
brother do such bad things to himself; soft drugs, alcohol, and whatnot. I
think he tries to keep his occasional habits a secret, but he doesnt do it very
well.

I have some things to do today: Read, do the web design class, do the
creative writing exercises, listen to an anxiety tape.

Finished listening to the anxiety tape. It gave some very exceptional advice.
One of the pieces of advice it offered was to make a list of all you
accomplishments for one day, each day, whether they be significant or
insignificant. I followed that advice, and even a mere half-day into it, I
already feel better about my progress. Every new thing a person does is a
step forward, and that is the truth.

For the rest of today, I have some reading, writing, and web design
instruction to do and apply. I also have a book report to get to that will
probably happened in a couple days.

If you had to pick one, and could only have one or the other, but not both,
which would you pick? Getting into the history books, or making a million
dollars? Honestly, I find it tough to pick between the two. So I guess it
comes down to which would you pick, respect or economic overabundance?
I Think Id rather have financial success, because I can do more with money
than I can with respect.

P a g e | 1064

Life seems foggy when we first start it. Ive found that the sculpture of my
life starts in a block of clay, which is chaos. As my life goes on and I have
time to distance myself from the chaos, certainty, clarity, and occasional
luminosity arise, and Im able to carve out something of beauty once Im
capable of distancing myself from the chaos. And with that, I think I end up
realizing the chaos was not really so bad as it seemed. Thats probably how
my life is now. Like a while ago, where in these journals of mine I described
that time I was riding in the car with my brother Andrew, and I noticed a
cloud formation, which turned out to be one of the more beautiful sites of
my life, and made for a pretty interesting metaphor. After I gained some
distance from the situation, I was able to see it in proper perspective, and it
made more sense when I looked back at it. But at the time I recorded the
perception, I was going mostly with a feeling. Fortunately I was still able to
use metaphors for description. Even then.

Of course Im going to feel anxiety about writing my first novel or directing

my first film or going to the Art Institute right after high school. Its because
Ive never done any of these things before. Its natural to feel anxiety about
doing things you havent done before or arent used to doing. Unfortunately
I didnt realize this until just now.

The last two years in music certainly have been interesting. Some of the
biggest musical acts of the last few years have been System of A Down,
Gorillaz, Linkin Park, and I like all of these groups. These are the only major
recent alternative acts that I like, which I can think of. The future definitely
holds a lot of potential for these acts.

Knowledge does not appear out of nowhere. It needs to be gathered. The

only real knowledge we have is the knowledge weve gained, through our
various efforts, even if it was only through contemplation, rather than
observing or reading. We dont start out with knowledge. We gather it after
years of observation and perception.

Search for something out of a whole lot of nothing. Maybe my work can
help somebody some day. I hope so. Its certainly helped me.

P a g e | 1065

Did a lot of reading today. Read things from The Grapes of Wrath, Tis,
Drawing on The Right Side of The Brain, and my forty-fifth word processor
journal. Also did some other things, but this time I mostly recorded my
accomplishments down on notebook paper, in a handwritten manner. As a
matter of fact, I think the only thing that I wanted to do today, which I did
not do, was draw. I think I pretty much got everything else done.

Overall, I have a really good feeling about today. I dont at all feel like Ive
wasted my time, and recently the lack of disappointment does seem like one
of the best kind of feelings I can have. Other than my anxiety, like Mrs. Jo
Ann said, what else is there to worry about? Other than anger or depression
or loneliness, not much. And those three feelings dont really happen to me
very often. Most of the time, Im happy.

Id like to stick to writing about what I know, but at times Im much too
interested in writing about things I dont know. My work would get boring if
I only wrote about the areas I considered myself an expert in, because I
wouldnt be writing about all that much. Im sure if I was a lot more skilled
at inventing metaphors and descriptions, that would probably compensate
for my lack of academic knowledge quite a bit, because even if I was an
idiot in the majority of subjects out there, I could still manage to draw the
reader in and be able to keep them turning pages, because theyd be attracted
to the writing style in its own right. I may very well reach that level of skill
one day, but Im not there yet, so I need to keep working at it. And I will, of
course, but only if I keep working at it.

Was watching some of Cartoon Networks Adult Swim block, and thats
some good television right there. They play some good anime shows.
Cowboy Bebop is probably my favorite show on there, but I havent seen all
of them. It is getting kind of late. 11:51 at night, to be exact.

Ive come to a decision about college with some aid from my parents. After
much debating and discussing, for the college Ill be going to right after high
school, weve decided on the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale. Ill be living

P a g e | 1066

in Fort Lauderdale in a student dorm, most likely with a roommate, but that
shouldnt be so bad. As a matter of fact, the room Ill go to, like all the other
dorm rooms in the student living quarters, will have a bathroom with a toilet
and shower in it, drawing desks, closets, beds, and a refrigerator. Whether or
not it will have a television set in it will depend upon whether or not my
roommate or I will bring a TV. Same thing goes for a stereo. Theres a good
chance going to the Art Institute will not be such a bad thing. Nowhere near
as bad as I thought it would be. Having a bathroom in my dorm room will be
great. Ill worry about a car later. All I have to concentrate on now is
finishing my current high school education and getting my license.

I do have to get back to drawing though. Now even though Ill be going to
art school, I still want to eventually get around to writing a novel. The only
problem is that Ill probably have to do it in three years, after Im done with
art school.

Today is St. Patricks Day. Hopefully I have the luck of the Irish, but
probably not, because I havent done much today, except make that
important college decision. God. With all this that seems to be leaning
towards an intense focusing on art, I dont know how Im going to keep up
these writing duties, especially when Ive got artwork to draw in college.
Things just dont seem the same now. Perhaps I was a fool to think that even
if Im going to art school, I could still find a career in literary storytelling
and writing novels, when I didnt really have any academic subjects I know
like the back of my hand. I cant give up. Ive gotten this far. Things seem
like their only going in one direction now, but maybe theyll get better.
Everythings going to change when I go off to art school. My parents speak
so highly about art school. Well fuck that. Its not like theyve ever attended
one as students. Theyre making me though. I could have had an extra year
to stay at home and gotten a years worth of writing and storytelling
studying done, without having to go to college, and I could have had time to
lay around the house and relax, but theyre so fucking determined to force
me to go to college. This kind of sucks, but at the same time it rules. I
couldnt have been happier staying at home for an extra year and doing
pretty much nothing, but they want me to do something with my life.
Theres one problem though: Doing something with your life involves a lot
of hard work. I dont think I like doing a lot of hard work. I guess that 30Ka-year gig, that the Art Institute promises upon graduation does seem pretty

P a g e | 1067

enticing, but Id honestly rather stay at home, because its not like I get 30K
all at once. With taxes subtracted, Id get around $1,800 a month. Eh. Not
bad for a starting salary. Thats enough to buysomething or whatever.
Maybe books and DVDsand put rest in the bank, or towards paying for a
monthly rent if I were living in an apartment. Theres something that tells
me that in order for me to be able to pursue a writing career, with out my
parents vulgarly hounding me to draw every minute of every day of my life,
Im going to have to be living in my own place. As much as I like living
here, being able to live in my own place and do what I want, when I want,
while I go to a full time job of some kind would allow me the best potential
for the pursuit of my writing in its various forms. And then theres the
f*cking college loans! Goddamnit! Unless Im working for Pixar,
Dreamworks or some other computer animation company like that, I doubt
Ill be making all that much. I guess working for a computer animation
company for a living, to start off with, would be better than doing something
thats not creative at all, like being an attorney or doctor or something. Part
of me says, Who am I kidding? Ill never be the next John Lasseter or Tim
Burton or Ernest Hemingway or Stephen King or Bruce Timm or Kevin
Smith or M. Night Shyamalan or Robert Zemeckis, or even Jhonen Vasquez.
How can I build an empire out of my brainchildren when I cant even get
admitted to the top colleges on my list? I dont seem to have the skill or the
stamina to reach that kind of level. My luck is simply not that good. Sure
theres the few breakout successes, but one cannot disregard all those who
have failed and not reached anywhere near that far. I dont think Ill ever
reach the title of being the highest or best selling anything of the year. I hope
to God this is just my monkey mind babbling here. I need to keep my eye on
success. Thats the healthiest thing to do. But I cant ignore how great of a
chance there is for failure. Right now, I dont know whether I want to make
a career out of computer animation or directing or publishing. Suppose I
should also consider my successes thus far. Theres the illustrations
nonfiction book, which I drew, and the Whos Who Among American High
School Students 2001-2002 award. Yes, these are great achievements but I
dont see how theyre going to advance my career. Actually, I dont even see
how Im going to get a career. I ought to be content with the possibility of
starting out at $30,000 a year. And what would I get all that money for
doing, anyway? Computer animation, I suppose. But what companies could
afford to pay that much to a guy who animates things on the computer. One
major plus of going off to the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale will be that Ill
gain a lot of knowledge. Im already learning quite a few things about web
design from the online class Ive taken, even if Im falling behind on it. The

P a g e | 1068

thing is, right now this writing is going to have to be something Ill be doing
on the side, regardless of whether I like writing on the side or not. Perhaps I
shouldnt give up my dream of having a career as a novelist, but due to my
lack of ideas, maybe I shouldnt rely on that dream too much. Maybe that
would be my new advice: Dont rely on your dreams too much. Since Im
going to be attending college, even if it is an art school, I guess I might very
well end up being more pragmatic upon graduation. So far, my dreams have
not come anywhere close to making me a living yet, so why should I
recommend the idea of depending on your dreams to anyone else, when I
cant even get that theory to work for myself. I need to prove it for myself
first before I can guarantee it to anyone else. Welcome to the real world,
asshole! Man. Fuck that. I dont want to go to college and then go out into
the world and get a job right now. Frankly, I want to sit around another year.
Yes, thats right. Sit on my ass and have fun doing nothing except slacking
off and writing about what I feel at the moment. Id been living it so
comfortably up until recently, and now that Im finally about to finish high
school and would actually have time to sit around and contemplate for a
whole year, my parents are saying get the hell out of this house and do
something with your life. Right now, I dont want to do something with my
life, because Im not sure about my future. Id be happier doing nothing. Im
tempted to do that. Im scared of leaving the house for more than a year and
being mostly on my own. Maybe my parents are just looking out for my best
interest. Maybe theyre just trying to give me a running start. You know,
kind of like how the parent birds have to push the chick out of their nest in
order to teach it to fly. I guess thats why my parents are doing to me. I dont
want to jump, because Im scared of crashing. Yeah, thats my analogy of
this situation. But still, I dont see anything wrong with sleeping and lying
around most of the day, then watching Jackie Chan Adventures two or three
times each weekday and writing in my journal. In my opinion, that would be
good for me. If being lazy were a career, Id be a millionaire right now. If I
had a penny for every time I got discouraged about things that werent worth
getting discouraged about, Id be a millionaire right now. If I dont set my
expectations too high for my career, maybe I wont get too disappointed.
Something from within tells me Im glad Im not going to college to
become a writer. Im going after that on my own, for the most part. My
writing is good at times, but needs more work. I dont want to be one of
those self-deceived bad writers, who go around everywhere, think theyre
writings good. If my writings bad, I want to know its bad. But right now,
my inner voice is not telling me my writing is bad. It keeps whispering into
my ear, telling me Pursue this thing, damnit! The work has potential.

P a g e | 1069

Theres something about my writing voice that I find both appealing and
serviceable. Others may think the same one day.

Specificity in writing actually seems somewhat like a magical thing. Instead

of writing, I took a quiet sip from my soda, and coughed I can write, I
took a quiet sip from my Diet Pepsi, and coughed or from my Coke.
Does this mean that when you write this, youre trying to be a billboard for
the Pepsi Corporation? No. It simply means that youre trying to add that
extra sense of real world feel. Theres just something about that element,
like youre plastering it up on the wall of telling a whole story and getting a
story across. It just seems quite magical to me. Specificity is merely an extra
weight that ties an imaginary set of events down to the realm of reality.
Specificity can help make a made up story seem more real. Its tough for me
to explain how this works exactly, but from learning about the writers craft,
it kind of seems to be an extra sensory literary perception I picked up over
time.

Its probably true. As The Idiots Guide to Getting Published has said: When
it comes to trends, the first writer to the marketplace usually wins. It would
do me good to take note of this.

I told the teachers, and Lorelei about my going to the Art Institute, and
many of the various details I know about the situation, and they were
transfixed by the story. They seemed genuinely excited for me and proud of
the accomplishment I had achieved, if thats what you want to call it: an
achievement.
Congratulations! they all said.
Thanks, I said, smiling.
For that short amount of time, I felt really good. They were all looking at
me and admiring me, and thats not something Im used to: Positive
attention from others. I wanted to stay at school and be admired by some of
the teachers and students for longer, but Ryan came in and said, your moms
cars here. So I said goodbye to the people I usually say goodbye to, and left
school grounds with Mom. I most likely will not become a millionaire
working as a computer animator, but just getting to say to people I have a
job doing computer animation is good enough. Getting to tell people you

P a g e | 1070

have some kind of a creative job is one of the coolest feelings in the world.
Mrs. Toner tells me she still wants me to be a writerand a philosopher. Ill
just have to see if I can be either one of those things. Im beginning to
understand Mom and Dads perspective better. They dont hate my writing
or want me to not attempt to pursue a career as a writer of some sort. What
they really want is for me to focus on whats more directly related to the
present (the art), and concentrate on that, find myself a career of some kind
in the art, and then when Im working in a post-college career, and am
making enough money to support myself at least a little bit, then I can
attempt to pursue a career in writing to my hearts content, but just as long as
I have some form of income and some kind of alternative career to fall back
on. They want me to find something I can make some form of a steady
income off of, and then I can pursue side interests like writing or
filmmaking, if I choose. Im OK with that. Theyre just trying to be
pragmatic, and I resented them for that choice before, because I thought for a
time that they were just trying to be career-fascists. That couldnt be farther
from the truth. I now know for a fact theyre good parents. Theres no way
of telling where the next five years will take me. I could say I dislike the
unknown, but for the first time in my life, Im actually conscious of this
uncertain future and yet still managing to start being comfortable with it.
This social anxiety of mine has lessoned considerably over the last couple
weeks as well.

To be economically smart and business smart, its always best to look for
economic potential or possibilities everywhere, wherever you are, whenever
you are. Who knows? Inspiration can strike any time, when we dont suspect
it and when we do. The smartest thing to do in the long run is to never stop
looking for economic possibilities, ways to save money, and ways to earn
more money than you do already. Many of the most economically successful
people in this country got to the level of financial success their at because
they had the keen ability to spot opportunities where others did not see them,
then hone the resources in those possibilities, and deliver them to the public
long before the competition does or thinks to do. The competition will
inevitably try to imitate you in some way, but more often than not, they will
fail, or not be quite so successful. Phil Ferretti once told me, You can make
a decent salary doing anything. You could make a decent salaryguttin
fish. The way he delivered it seemed very funny to me when I first heard it,
so I chuckled at first, but the more I thought about it, the more truth I saw
lying within its core.

P a g e | 1071

I think Ive realized something. I am [part of] the next generation. Im [part
of] the next generation of entertainers and [part of] the next generation of
thinkers. I could add storytellers, but I dont know how well Ill be able to
tell a decent, engaging story. It has yet to be decided if Ill ever even
compare to visionaries like Hemingway and Will Eisner and Chuck Jones
and Stanley Kubrick. I know something else though. Ill do my best to study
the masters day and nightin as many mediums as Im interested inin
hopes that I can learn some techniques and trick from them. I dont know
how much Ive absorbed, but hopefully its been something substantial. If I
want to make film, I study Kurosawa, Zemeckis, and Kubrick day and night.
If I want to write poetry, I live, eat, sleep, and breathe T.S. Eliot, Robert
Frost, and Edgar Allen PoeWell, you get the picture. And if I want to
write a bestsellerI suppose Id want to write about topics that have some
tangible kind of broad appeal, and read a lot of bestsellers, maybe even study
them and absorb some of their mechanics and voices through literary and
perceptual osmosis. This is, of course, only a theory from a guy who has not
written a bestseller or gotten a book published yet, but I think there is a
certain amount of logic behind it. From what Ive observed about the literary
market, it seems as though people want to read books that are entertaining,
engaging, recognizable, easy to find, and well written. Simple as that.
Thinking that commercial credibility and literary merit cannot be correlated
is an assumptive mistake. Take Hemingway, for example. Hes considered
on of the greatest and most ingenious contemporary writers of all time, but
the books he wrote have also sold lots and lots of copies. And hes one of the
most famous classic writers of all time. Hes probably one of the most
obvious examples out there that profit and art are not necessarily antagonists
of each other.

Tried to explain the concept of mysticism and mystics to my mother. Cant

tell whether I did a good or bad job. I guess you could call them the spiritual
version of geniuses. What geniuses are to intellect, mystics are to
spirituality. Both seemed to have been born with or worked to attain divine
gifts, except onethe geniusis in the area of intelligence and creativity,
and onethe mysticis in the area of ethical values, spirituality, and the
metaphysical. Ive made the decision not to claim to be either one of these.
Im currently agnostic about both possibilities. I simply shrug my shoulders
to the question, and say, Well, I dont know. Maybe. I think this would be

P a g e | 1072

the best route. Im too introverted to make bold proclamations on intellectual

or spiritual matters. People like Ken Wilber, Albert Einstein, Wittgenstein,
Kant, Jean-Paul Sartre, the Buddha, da Vinci, Van Gogh, Lao Tzu,
Confucius, the Dalai Lama, and Mohandas K Gandhi have inspired me to at
least try to think on a higher plain, and Im more than welcome to encourage
other people to seek out other their own intellectual and spiritual role models
and do the same, to find their own personal vision of truth. If one does this
life is often all the more rewarding. My mission is not to convert others.

Now that I think about it, after college, if I have a careerany careerI will
be extremely rich by my early standards. I have no idea where my income
level is headed. For all I know, it could go from a pre-college level of $60 in
a week and $200 or $300 in one month to a post college income of $1,500 in
a single month, and then it could skyrocket to $5,000 or $10,000 in one
month, for all I know. And after that, who knows how much I could possibly
be making. With all that money, Im not sure what Id buy. Im sure Ill be
able to think of something. Right now, Im thinking about maybe buying a
lot of books, comic books, CDs, DVD, a digital video camera, Photoshop,
computer animation equipment, advanced videogame systems, video games,
drawing and art supplies, a car, a house, stock options, and perhaps more
college education. Other than these things, I dont really know. If I ever
become rich one day, I probably wont know what to do with all the money.
I honestly think that in the future, I may very well get more pleasure out of
creating things than Ill get out of spending.
Its time to go watch TV.

Just got to watch a Biography episode on Ron Howard. It was actually quite
interesting. Ron Howard is one of my favorite directors.

Was thinking about my storytelling, and what kind of stance I want to take. I
like the idea of telling stories that sometimes involve contemporary culture
in America, but I dont want to be confined to one kind of voice coming
from this day in age. Id rather capture all kinds of perspectives and views,
with a wide variety of characters and culture differences. Like in real life,
some characters would have more, shall we say, fucked-up lives than others.
I know my perspective and my life, but if I only told things from my own

P a g e | 1073

perspective all the time, and didnt tell the truth about various characters
manners of acting, Im pretty certain my stories would get predictable and
boring. What Ill do is Ill take my own life, and use it as inspiration to make
up the lives of fictional characters. Ill take from my views and my opinions
and my imaginary ideas, and Ill do my best to create on enormous amalgam
of characters and various universes, some grounded in this reality, and some
grounded in a complete fantasy world. I like how JK Rowling, C.S. Lewis,
Stephen King, and Tim Burton have taken this technique and fine-tuned it
into an art form. Id like to do something along the lines of that. The only
thing limiting my worlds would be my skill level and drawing ability. I like
the idea of opening up a portal to another dimension from what seems like
nothingness, and just being able to step through it any time. That kind of
creative escapism has fascinated me for a long time. Ever since I was a little
kid, I enjoyed escapism. It would often be through the weekday afternoon
and Saturday morning cartoons Id be consumed in. When I was watching
the cartoons, they captured my attention entirely. Cartoons are almost
always a welcome relief when youre a little kid with Attention Deficit
Disorder. I know thats the way it was for me. As Ive gotten older, the bulk
of my attention has shifted someone from creative escapism to things like
spirituality and philosophy. My mind is more active now than it was, but its
also more cynical at times. Part of that has come from exposure to the real
world, and just being fed up with parts of it. When youre a little kid, you
dont really see the real world in its big, ugly entirety. You see a little kid
version of the real world, which is a lot more brisk and fun. There are good
and bad aspects of both childhood and adulthood. I think the reality of
growing up has just set in as Im about to leave the house in a few months,
where Im going to have to take care of myself and get an education for
three years, and after that, I can go back home and stay here if I choose, and
I probably will. After college, Ill have been so active from college that Ill
probably just want to rest for a while, then go and find a job somewhere.

P a g e | 1074

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 64

P a g e | 1075

March 2002

Its tempting to assume that if we wannabe writers all had the right
understanding people to live with and the right place to live and right
lifestyle, wed make great writers. Better than great writers. The best of the
best! This is a highly used misconception, of course, but why is it so
popular? Because even the best writers of the past, at one point or another,
probably thought that they werent living under the right, most empathetic
circumstances to do writing work in, but again, thats nonsense, because
they were and are the best writers. The truth is: If you want to be a writer, be
it a mediocre one or a great one, youll writecomfortable circumstances or
not. I could say the same thing about where I live and the people I live with.
Andrew and my parents are arguing a lot, and they do get extremely loud
sometimes. My parents have a desire for me to go to art school and to pursue
art firstbefore I pursue writing professionallywhich is something Ive
questioned in the past. I dont personally know any professional novelists or
literary agents right now, to make connections with or receive wisdom from.
And to top all that shit off, I live in a crowded suburban town in Florida,
near Orlando, which is not the most creative-person-friendly place to live.
Winter Park is much better for that sort of thing, in my view. That city has
museums and art festivals. As a matter of fact, Im living a pretty average
lifestyle, even if I dont get out all that much. The thing is, I write. I make
myself get to the word processor and do it pretty much every day. And I read
a lot. In the last thirty minutes alone, I was skimming and reading various
pages out of The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, The Catcher in
the Rye, and an Isaac Asimov book (I dont remember what its title was).

I got to see my new vocational rehabilitation counselor today. Tamara

Lawyer her name is. She seems nice. Mom, Dad, and I drove up to her office
earlier this morning to hear her speak to use in person, about how Vocational
Rehab might be able to benefit me during the time Ill be attending the Art
Institute. The best part of this whole deal is that since they found out about

P a g e | 1076

the difficulties, Ive been able to qualify for a certain amount of money to
use for college expense, just so long as I at least keep a 2.0 grade point
average. That should not be too hard, considering its an art school. I hear
the amount Ill be getting will be a couple thousand dollars, which I dont
have to pay back, so Im kind of in a fortunate situation here, with a set of
parents who are making a lot of provisions for my education. They view
getting a post-high school education as extremely beneficial, perhaps even
crucial. Thats how serious they are about their childrenor shall I say
young adultsattending college. I cant say I completely disagree. If I ever
have kids, I may think something very similar one day, but that would
depend on the skill level of my child, and the economic situation of my
family. At times, Ive had thoughts about raising a family and having
children, or one child. But at times, I think about it being a good idea to be
single for the rest of my life, which would mean no extra expenses, but it all
depends on whom I meet in the years to come. Im what relationship savvy
people seem to call unattached. At times I do consider myself still looking
for the right person, but since I have not found very many women I seem to
be in love with yet, I dont beat myself up over it. I do kind of like the idea
of dating. Ive never actually gone on a date so far.

Web design and computer animation seem like hard trades to learn now, but
its not impossible to learn how to do either one. It just takes determination
to learn, and hard work. I found a website, with some notes written by
computer animation visionary John Lasseter, who Ive gotten to meet and
get a signature from in the past, and Im sure the notesll be useful. Im
definitely planning on reading them before college; might even read them
today. They might better prepare me. Actually, Im printing those notes out
as I write this, so that I can read and study them later. Ive already started to
pick up some HTML coding language for web design. I know a couple
things about how to use Front Page and Netscape Composer, which both can
be used with each other to co-develop a webpage or website, as a long as
you save the site in a file somewhere. Composer is the easiest to create links
with. With Composer, you simply need to highlight whatever text or image
you want to use as a link, use the command directory, and type in the
Uniform Resource Locater (URL) of the where you want the link to go.
Simple as that. Ive also learned that there are a number of good graphics
programs that can be used for creating graphics, which can go on websites.
They include Corel Draw, Paint Shop Pro, Fireworks, and Photoshop. Pretty
much all of these can be used for image editing techniques. I think I may be

P a g e | 1077

computer savvy after I finish at the Art Institute. I think I may have to be.
Ill have a laptop computer, and there will be lots of computer equipment
available at the Art Institute in Fort Lauderdale. Learning computers
shouldnt be much of a problem. I can already use Microsoft Word pretty
proficiently. I know font sizes and styles, bold text, hyphenation, italics,
centering text, underlining, drawing tables, headers, and footers. Ive gotten
to the point where I can type pretty fluently and fast. Skills like these are
good for a secretary, but not for an artist. Fortunately, I know things like
perspective, composition, anatomy, proportions, line weight, tonal value,
etc., somewhat. Ive just recently started to learn a little bit about color
composition, about hues, values, and whatnot. I know some of the names,
but am still trying to figure out what a lot of them mean exactly.

Am also interested in being able to learn to use Microsoft Excel. Id like to

know how to make graphs and charts and things. A skill like that might
come in handy some day, considering the possible line of work Ill soon be
preparing myself for. Economics and sociology books might be useful as
well. When you enroll in a college as a full-time student, the best choice will
likely be to do your best to get a well-rounded education. This is something,
which can be applicable to finding work in the real world, even if it only is
working as a cleaner at a hotel resort. Who knows? That starting job as a
cleaner could provide you inspiration. It could perhaps lead to you
developing the skills to start your own individual cleaning business, and you
end up thinking of some innovative business plan that cuts down on your
competition in that particular area of business, whether its in service
strategy, or in promotion and advertising. Or it could lead to inspiration to
write some type of book about cleaning that no ones thought of before.
Almost no job is too insignificant to be completely devoid of creative
springboards for bigger and better possibilities. The key is to not be afraid of
unexplored avenues of thought or action. Do not fear ambiguity. Make love
to it.

When you think about entertainment, so much of it is so very short lived.

The majority of it is transient and superficial. Thats the sad thing about 98%
of entertainment. Pretty much none of it lasts forever, especially during the
90s and recently. If there were one thing I would be proud to be credited
for, it would probably be the ability to create entertainment that stays with
people for a bit longer than a month or two. So much of the things youll

P a g e | 1078

hear on the radio can be described with two words: disposable and transient.
Entertainment thats truly timeless and universal never really goes away
completely. It becomes classic.

Im definitely planning on doing some reading tonight. The Internets not

working, so I cant really do the web design class.

Theres a reason these journal entries dont allude very much to whats in
the now of popular culture. Its because the author wishes for these entries to
not get too caught up in the time period, unless it deals with issues in the
news or cultural observations or things that hell sometimes value. The
author wishes that these journals dont get caught up with the things that are
most superficial and forgettable, unless the author is interested in them. He
wants these various writings to have a more timeless feel to them. He does
not want to end up being as disposable as the popular culture he dislikes
quite a bit. That would not be the desired effect.

Id like to speak about compassion right now, but Im not sure what to say.
Everyone needs more of it. This is why meditating would be useful at times
like these. Many of us forget to realize the importance of practicing
compassion. One could say the same for love and humility. All three of these
contribute very much to the value of life and the improvement of its quality.
I dont really have anything significant or important to say. All I want to
write right now is how important those things have become to me, ever since
I discovered spiritual values. Whether or not God plays a part in the
initiation and predilections for these values is open to debate amongst
people, but whether or not God plays a part in them does not relate tonor
can it claim responsibility fortheir benefit to the many generations of
humanity. Heres how you can tell if someone believes in higher
transcendental human nature or not. Ask this question: Have they killed, or
do they have malicious intent? If one answer were yes to either one of these
questions, the person who gave the answer would have been criticized by
any and all of the saints or sages of history. Not one saint or sage during the
course of history has had tolerance or patience for the acts of malice and
killing.

P a g e | 1079

Went to school today. Not bad. I did drive home today, and the Internet is
working once again. At school, when Im not working on my assignments,
Ive started reading another book. Another one. This time its The Diary of
Anne Frank; along with the four or five other books Im reading at home
currently as well. We also had a demonstration at school today. A police
officer brought in a drug-sniffing dog, and the dog searched the school. They
picked out one of my classmates backpacks, whose name I will not
mention, but didnt find anything. He strongly denied doing any drugs or
smoking or anything like that. But I have my suspicions. I think theres a
chance he does some drugs now and again, or hes had them in his backpack
at one point in time. He got mad when he got back to his desk and found out
theyd taken things out of it to search it. This guys usually quiet, but I think
after he felt his privacy was invaded, he seemed pretty mad and upset,
claiming they couldnt do things like that without him knowing or saying its
okay. Defensive mechanism is what Id call that.

Not too long ago, that same students brother died. I believe it was cancer
that killed his brother, but am not completely certain. The teachers had us
write letters of condolence to him when he didnt show up for school the
next day and didnt come back to school until two or three days later. I wrote
one, speaking of my compassion I felt for him, even though I didnt know
his brother. He never really brought up the letter when I was talking to him
though. I suspected he might have hated it, which might explain why he
never spoke to me about it. I didnt want to ask him about it and say
something that would obviously be too forward and self-serving, like Hey
man. Did you get my letter? Why the hell would I want to bug him over
recognition of a letter of condolence? No one else at my school would do
something like that. Maybe he thought I was pretending to be sincere. But I
know I honestly wasnt pretending. Thats not true that Id be insincere like
that. When I was writing the letter, I wrote it with a deep feeling of sincerity.
I remember the feeling quite clearly.

Finally got back to writing essays. Wrote one in class today, about memory.
Also did the usual school assignments.

P a g e | 1080

Uncle Mike (not cousin Mike, who works at Disneyworld as a chef.) is

visiting today. He got here about an hour or so ago, and were having a good
time talking to him about all kinds of things. While Dads been at work, the
three of us have been talking to Mike. Its enjoyable talking to relatives. Im
always available to welcome relatives with a smile and a hug, or a
handshake, and a warm conversation. Sometimes its nice just to have
someone to talk to, aside from Mom or Dad.

Some people at schoolMrs. E and Davidasked me to take some of my

drawings into school tomorrow. I agreed to it. I picked out what I think of as
some of my better (but not quite newest) drawings, some of my personal
favorites, made copies of them with our familys Windows program scanner
and printer. So now I have copies of the drawings. The one I did in blue pen
of the bearded man with the hat is in there. Theyre now all in a yellow
manila folder, resting on my bedroom desk. Ill have to remember to put the
folder in my backpack tomorrow. Right before my school day came to an
end, the classmate who sits to the right of me, Alex started singing to
himself. I recognized the song, but I dont remember who originally sang it.
It used to be on the radio pretty much all the time.
What if God was one of us he sang.
What if God smoked cannabis, he continued.
I did my best to try stopping a chuckle from bursting out or my gut. I dont
smoke cannabis or do anything like that, but still I found that song parody
funny as hell.

For what I have on my agenda for the rest of this week, theres the book
report and finishing the web design class. Other than that, I plan on watching
a decent amount of TV.

Actually accomplished something today. Got to read all the Computer

Animation Tricks notes, which were written by John Lasseter. Those are
actual techniques they use at Pixar on their films. They were pretty damn
brilliant. Ive suddenly started to see a strong interest develop in the area of
computer animation, now that I know its potential and what its capable of.
This does not mean that Ive lost any interest whatsoever in traditional art
and animation. What Im really intrigued by is how cool the possibilities are

P a g e | 1081

that go with the idea of molding the two together. You wont be a very good
computer animator if you dont know how to draw and animate traditionally
already. There are a lot of differences between the two, but certain
knowledge that applies to one can definitely be used to apply to the other.
Its best to be skilled in both of them. After reading the enthusiasm in those
notes, I couldnt help but catch the initial spark of that enthusiasm.
Originally, I consider myself to exclusively be a 2-D artist. I never in a
million years would have even thought of the possibility of myself becoming
a traditional 2-D and 3-D computer artist, but it looks to be headed that way,
as strange as that might seem. Knowing how to animate your character is
best helped by knowing exactly how your character thinks. Also, a big
character, or even object, requires more effort and momentum to move than
a small characteror objectdoes. Smaller objects can move quicker than
big objects can. The way or pace an object moves at can definitely affect the
way its texture appears to be. These are some of the things Ive learned from
the notes. My dream 3-D animation job would be working for Pixar,
Dreamworks, or Industrial Light & Magic. Those companies use the most
advanced and sophisticated techniques.

The better one can represent the form of something, the better they will be
able to draw from life. During the course of the next three years, my
attention may shift from the writing back to the art and computer animation,
because thats going to be my educational and professional focus in the near
future.

Brought in some of my drawings to school today, and this time I wasnt

afraid to take them out and look at them when there were other people
around. I think Im starting to get some social courage, finally. I showed my
drawings to Mrs. E, and then to Alex, who sits beside me. I picked out the
portrait I did, based on a Eugene Delacroix painting, to show him first. He
took one look at it, and went, Oh shit! as his jaw dropped. Apparently, he
seemed impressed by it. He wanted to know if I brought any other drawings.
He wanted to see more. I handed him the whole manila folder, and he
flipped through it, taking his time, his jaw hanging open during the whole
time he looked at it. Thats fucking sweet, man. Its dope, yo, he said.
Now, I know from observing teenage slang that that meant he liked them.
Mrs. E and Mrs. Toner thought they were good as well. Chad, another kid at
my school who draws, thought that what I brought in isnt that hard to draw.

P a g e | 1082

Ive gotten that a lot from fellow artists at my school. Theyre so proud of
themselves and their own precious drawings that theyll be more than ready
to criticize my drawings and attack my work. Ive seen plenty of bad
artwork from other kids and people (usually the ones who criticize my work,
and sometimes myself), but Ill never tell people their work is bad or Not
that hard to draw. Ill never say theyre a loser or that they cant draw.
Ive heard all these things directed at myself from other people in the past,
with the exception of the term bad. Its no wonder Ive decided not to be
involved in the local art and writing communities. I dont parade my work
around, like the people who make fun of my work and me.

I just love it when I leave the computer for a while, and stop writing, then
come back with some nifty ideas in my head on what to write about. The
only problem is, that isnt happening right now. Im really in a mood to tell a
story of some kind right now. I would like to tell any kind of a story right
now, regardless of whether its a shoot-em-up action movie or nothing more
than people standing around talking

Okay, so heres something. A family goes on vacation, but instead of going

completely to their vacation destination, they decide to take a detour and
drive a couple hundred miles out of the way to see an old, big house that
supposedly, according to legend, is haunted by their distant relatives.

They arrive at the house and the father goes inside while the rest of the
family waits in the car for him to see if its safe. Im not sure what happens
next.

Or I could write a fictional story about the anxieties of going off to a college
thats far away from homea subject that, unfortunately, I know all too
well. Then I could do an entirely separate story about moving out of the
house to do something other than go to collegeHousehold pets might
make an interesting topic for a story.

P a g e | 1083

There are fictional stories in waiting everywhere. Its only a matter of

figuring out how to find them.

What about a story of a young man who befriends an older man, thats one
hundred years old. Maybe by some preternatural miracle after a bolt of
lighting one night, they can trade cerebral thoughts with each other, and the
young man is able to experience the centenarians memories, and the
centenarian gets to feel the young mans memories of his youth. The 22 or
30 year old man gets to experience what it was like to live in the 1920s or
1930s, etc. If the old man had an eventful life, the other man would have a
much more interesting experience.

Another idea that just came to mind revolves around a teenager who is about
to end their own life, when he or she hears the song on the radio that saves
their life by making them love life. They then set out on a mission to stalk
the man who wrote that song, but not to harm him. Theyd follow the
famous singer/songwriter so that they could become his bodyguard and
protect his life, in case his life needed saving any time in the future. It would
kind of be a way of repaying the favor, or at least it would be in the young
stalkers mind. One could argue about whether or not the fan would really
actually be returning the favor. We would not find out that the songwriter
saved the young persons life until later on in the story, which is an element
that would add to the intrigue of the story.

Today has not been all that bad. Got to get some things done, such as drive
home from school and exercise.

Im not really consumed by the feelings of writing inspiration right now.

Honestly, all I want to do is watch some TVprobably cartoons like Jackie
Chan Adventures, Dragonball Z, or Invader ZIM. Preferably something I can
fall asleep toor read some more from my books. Earlier, I was reading
some more out of True at First Light by Ernest Hemingway. Heres a bizarre
comparison: comparing Hemingway to Ken Wilber. Both have insight, and
both have their extreme talents, but their styles are completely different.
Hemingway uses direct, simple language, while Wilber uses long complex

P a g e | 1084

linguistics with stream of consciousness insights. Wilber is better at the

philosophical, while Hemingway is better at character development,
description, and getting a good goddam story across. This is no surprise.
Both writers seemed to have honed their abilities to their pinnacles, or
zeniths. In a lot of my recent style, Ive seen an amalgam that, in a way,
blends both of those voices along with many others into something that is
shaping up to be my very own.

Uncle Mike left our house to go back home today. I dont think he had a
very good time around the end, when Andrew and Dad started arguing while
he was here, but this was after I had went to bed and had nearly fallen
asleep. I pretty much was asleep by then.

I honestly think Im really starting to feel a lot more comfortable about the
upcoming moving-off-to-college situation. I cant say why this mental
change has happened exactly, but Ive been glad to see it come. Maybe its
that Im more accepting of the situation, or maybe its that my medication
has somehow become more stabilized, or maybe its because I realize I still
have a few months left at home. I think it may be because even though I
realize the situation makes me uncomfortable, Ill still probably be able to
handle it, just as long as I make that initial effort and am able to feel
comfortable in Fort Lauderdale. There are more than 50 places in the United
States that I could have ended up going to college away from home in, and
Im sure that all those places are a lot worse than Fort Lauderdale. Mom and
Dad keep telling me every teenager and high school senior out there feels
these types of anxieties about leaving home. About change in general. These
feelings are natural, and realizing that alone brings me a comfort of sorts. If I
can handle high school and I can handle college all the way through and I
can handle finding employment, I think I can handle basically anything
within reason.

My eating habits, for today, have not been too bad. If I keep up these smaller
kinds of portions, and continue with the exercise, I think theres a good
chance to lose some weight before I move out, and thats exactly what I need
right now, less pounds on my body. Ive gained weight since last time I
weighed myself. I now weigh 230 lbs. Im not angry or depressed about it.

P a g e | 1085

Considering how physically lazy Ive been lazy, I was actually kind of
expecting it. It doesnt bother me that much, because I dont really look all
that different, except maybe my stomach looks a bit more curved than it did.
I simply say to myself, I need to lose some weight so that Ill feel better
about my physique, so that I wouldnt gross a potential girlfriend out quite
as much.

Looking around. Taking a deep breath. Relaxing. Ready to start a new day.
Have finally watched my weekly dosage of Saturday morning cartoons, so
Im ready to get to work on various things. The only way I can waste time is
if I allow myself to waste time. Time doesnt go anywhere. If a lot of it goes
anywhere and goes to waste, Im letting it go to waste. My two main
objectives of today are getting more web design class done, so that Im not
in danger of failing anymore, and to work on my book report. Its due
Tuesday of next week. The book report should be the easiest.

If I have any extra time, I can choose between meditating, reading, watching
some movies, listening to the radio, or listening to one of the anxiety tapes.
There always seems to be something to do around here, thank God. I dont
think I like being bored and energetic at the same time. Whenever this
happens, it usually results in me pacing around the house, looking at various
things, and asking my mother questions whenever I see her around here. I
wonder what Lao Tzu and Confucius would do in a situation like this. Im
sure theyd do what would have to be done. Would do what was most crucial
in importance for the moment. Unfortunately, I cannot always claim to be
like that. Am trying to come up with more ways of deconstructing the house
of my ego. Sometimes Im far too selfish and arrogant for my own good.
Never give credit to yourself if you see an opportunity to give credit to
someone else instead. Never think of yourself when someone else needs to
be thought about more than you. There is no self to over-focus on. All things
are one and the same. All things belong to each other. This is the way
existence and the totality of sentient existence functions. Houses cannot
think of themselves. That is why people can live in them for so long. A
houses only mission is to protect those who live within its form; therefore it
endures over long periods of time. A house functions the same way one who
is full of compassion and love does. The way of the Tao tells us that we need
to accept both sides of our being: the good and the badthe positive and the
negative. Psychotherapy will tell us the something very similar, to accept our

P a g e | 1086

negative, frightening, unsettling, and troublesome emotions, and thoughts.

Because the sooner we can accept them, the sooner they will stop bothering
us and go away. The sooner I can fully accept my anxieties, the sooner Ill
see that anxiety does not hurt me, that its uncomfortable, but also harmless.
These are some things I have learned.

Got some reading done, and am going to be doing some more reading in a
little bit. That figures that Id be back on the computer when I have web
design and a book report to do. I found a pretty interesting interview in
Rolling Stone with Ozzy Osbourne. His words make for some of the most
interesting and humorous dialogue in rock stardom. The interview in that
magazine with him captures its essence perfectly, the spark of humor in it
and everything. I love writing with dialogue that flows and sounds real and
natural.

Weighed myself this morning and found out I lost another two pounds.
Things are looking up. This much I know, or perhaps assume.

Im thinking about going over to Borders today, and if I do, it will probably
be to buy the DVD of Shrek. I liked that film a lot, and the double plus about
it is that its computer animation, and thats what Im going to be studying in
college, so Im sure it wouldnt hurt if I bought digital animation DVD that I
liked. I have Toy Story 2 on VHS, but Im also thinking about buying that on
DVD. Mom thinks it would be best for me just to work on my book report
and get more web design class done, but Ive disagreed with her. Im like
that. I go by impulses. Im not necessarily a hedonist, but I do follow my
impulses on what to do at various moments. That is how I ended up buying
Thunder and Lightning by Natalie Goldberg, at the moment, at Dads
protest. And I think thats the book, which pretty much took away my fear
and anxiety about starting the writing of an actual book. I think its that
book, specifically, that helped me get the courage to write those two minichapters Ive written. Thats one way I got ahead by not doing what another
person told me to do. My father actually seemed pretty mad, when I told him
I was going to buy that book. I should be putting my money in the bank for
college, he snapped. Now that I look back on it, he seemed both right and
wrong at the same time in saying that.

P a g e | 1087

Went out and drove around today and despite what felt like some bad
outdoors social anxiety while driving, in a supermarket, and at Borders, I
still managed to buy the Shrek DVD and drive home, even though I really
didnt want to drive at all today. Also managed to take a side expedition to
Publix, so that I could pick up a 24-pack of Diet Pepsi with Mom. I got
really goddam frustrated when Mom and I were in the garage stepping out of
the minivan, and I thought I was home free for today, but then when I
opened the sliding side door to the minivan, the goddam Diet Pepsi 24-pack
fell out the side of the van, onto the concrete garage floor, and split open.
What seemed like the cans fell out. I saw the whole thing fall out, and it was
like watching my sanity unravel right in front of me, spilling out onto the
floor. Goodbye dear sanity. At that moment, I wanted to cry. Fortunately,
only one of the cans got bent, and no soda spilled out. Welcome to living on
your own. Im sure thats what itll probably be like when Im living on my
own. I just need to learn how to manage myself. Still, at least Ive now got
the Shrek DVD and my twenty four (twenty three now, actually. I just had
one) Diet Pepsi cans. So those made getting out of the house worth it. Those
are the rewards. When you have social anxiety, it can actually seem kind of
scary and amplified when youre in a room filled with people, especially a
large area. What I feel in large crowded rooms kind of seems like a mixture
of social anxiety and agoraphobia melded together. The only way Im going
to be able to cure myself of this is by getting out a lot moreevery day, if
need beand desensitizing myself to the perceived threat. This is the only
way out of the suffering known as anxiety. Unless I want to be stuck in the
same corner the rest of my life. I have to stop thinking that writing a book
that sells 500,000 copies would solve all my problems. It wouldnt! The only
way to deal with my problems is face them, and face them in the now.

Im done with the small text part of my book report on Flowers For
Algernon, and when I finished it, my hands and knuckles were aching quite
bit from doing all that nonstop typing on this computers keyboard. It was
worth it though. Now Im writing in my journal, and watching parts of the
Academy Awards here and there. I didnt even know it was on tonight, until
I walked into the living room and saw Dad watching TV, and he told me it
was on. Right now, its 9:53 p.m.

P a g e | 1088

Theres a new book I just found out about today at Borders. Its titled The
Last Samurai and was written by Helen Dewitt. It looks very interesting. I
dont know if its any good though.

Dont know what else to write about. It seems like Ive written about
everything there is for me to write about. The book report, the Academy
Awards, Shrek, driving in my mothers minivan, anxiety. These are all
themes Ive taken on in this entry.

I think my mother has forgiven me for acting like a jerk today. Weve
argued some today, but fortunately, thats the worst of it. Im looking
forward to spending as much time with my parents and brother as I can
before I have to go off to college. Looking forward to watching DVDs with
Dad and having conversations with Mom.

Today at school was horrible. Sometimes I feel like Im not welcome

anywhere, and school was one of those places today. Thoughts of suicide
came into my head, and I had my Gin Blossoms CD on repeat play. The one
with that song Hey Jealousy I just felt so goddam depressed. I cant
explain it. Being alive made me wish to die. Its gone now for some reason. I
guess I was either suicidal or depressed (maybe both). I imagined me killing
myself with a firearm and being dead. Why I was listening to fast and slow
sad and depressing music when I was thinking of suicide, Ill have no idea. I
guess I finally got rid of the suicidal tendency by accepting the fact that I
was feeling suicidal. I feel a lot better now that Im at home with my Shrek
DVD and my artwork and my journals and my now blue can of Diet Pepsi.
Now that Im away from school. I couldnt kill myself. There are too many
people in my life that care about me. Id be doing a horrible dishonor and
disservice to them if I suddenly left by taking myself out of this world.

I think its kind of bizarre that an entertainer cant pick his audience. He
can pick his nose, but he cant pick his audience. When youre in the public
eye, people seem to come to you. Everyone seems to want something from
you. Thats good, but it sucks at the same time. People want a piece of you,

P a g e | 1089

and they want to be you. Im sure it feels nice to be admired by others,

especially when many of them are people you dont even know. Im
interested in having an audience, but an audience is not my main reason for
doing my drawing and writing.

Thats interesting. Yesterday, I bought the Shrek DVD, but last night of
yesterday was the same night the film Shrek won the Academy Award for
Best Animated Feature Film. I think it deserved to win. Its one of the best
damn computer animation movie (or animated movie, period) that Ive seen
in a long time. I remember seeing The Lion King when it was at the theatre
in 1994, and that was an amazing animation experience for me. I think
watching Shrek for the first time on DVD did the same thing for me, even
though it wasnt in a crowded room where every sits traditionally in their
chairs. The best thing about watching a movie at home on DVD is that you
get a fine crisp clarity in the picture and you can lye down on a couch and
cut loud farts and theres no one around to notice or give you strange looks,
except maybe your family. Theres something that good movies, good CDs,
good TV shows (many of the in animation), and good literary books provide
that I just cant seem to find as muchif at allin comic books most of the
time. I think manga is one of the only exceptions, because it does more to
involve the reader and draw them into the story. Im not talking about shitty
manga like Gunsmith Cats, Sailor Moon, or Dragonball, either, because
there are shitty manga out there. Im talking about the manga that really
involves the reader in its story, but does it elegantly. Manga like Blade of the
Immortal, Akira, and Neon Genesis Evangelion. Its titles like those that
transcend merely having entertainment value and nothing else. At times
theyre beautiful, at times violent, other times moving, among other things.
Ive seen something in those comics that I just dont see in a lot of
mainstream American ones, or international comics and independents in
general. I like entertainment that has great visuals, great atmosphere, and a
great story. If it doesnt have all three of these things and perhaps a few
others, Ill usually end up being let down. A novel can have good visuals by
having good descriptions. A movie with a good story, but bad visuals is
forgivable, but one with good visuals and a bad story is far less forgivable in
my opinion. I feel forsaken by the latter.

There are a couple terms that I have been mulling over in my head. There
are three of them, and all can be used in storytelling and entertainment. They

P a g e | 1090

all apply to visual media. They are emotive solicitation, gusto, and
dynamics. All of these can pretty much apply to audience participation.

Emotive solicitation basically means how the audience cares about the
characters and is emotionally involved with them and their experiences. It is
the act of a person watching a character cry and feeling an urge to cry with
them. Feeling sympathy for a character, understanding a characters opinion,
or even hating a character for one reason or another. Gusto is the amount of
vigor and energy one can tell a story with. How much energy is put into
getting the story across, keeping it moving, and making it appealing and
interesting, as to draw interest. Dynamics is what makes something seem
more interesting and larger than life. Its similar to gusto, but not quite the
same in my opinion. These three elements, when constructed, worked on,
and crafter right, can make for a pretty powerful story. You cant lose if you
apply these things to the way you tell your story. Ive often found that many
of the stories with the widest appeal contain oneif not moreof these
three elements. Dont get me wrong. There are a ton more of elements that
make various kinds of entertainment appealing, but I find that those three
elements seem to be some that recur the most in entertainment with broad
appeal, and that includes indie entertainment thats also serviceable and
more celebrated literature. I think someone only sells out if they substitute
the value of economic gain in place of substance.

If I ever do something thats successful, Im sure some will accuse me of

going pop. Fools! Yall dont know me! I suppose its inevitable that if you
do something that reaches a kind of Dave Eggers, Stephen King, Jhonen
Vasquez, The Sixth Sense, Dark Horse Comics, Simon & Schuster, Linkin
Park, Seinfeld, Frasier, The Simpsons, or Shrek level, youre bound to attract
some critics, and many of them will hate you just to hate whats popular,
regardless of whether your work has any substance or not. I love all those
above-mentioned things, but they are all part of popular culture. So is much
of whats found in movies and television. The thing is, I like entertaining
people. I like creating a product of quality, with high production values. But
at the same time I have a desire to retain as much creative control over my
own ideas and concepts as I can, and also do not want to get stuck in that
small audience and sand trap of pretension kind of dungeon. That whole
mindset seems kind of self-defeating to me now, thinking that studios and
publishing companies will come to you, rather than vice versa. It doesnt

P a g e | 1091

happen that way. If you want to be a success, you have to work for it. Im
working for my career goals by going off to art school and getting a creative
education in art and computers, so that Ill have some starting skills to go off
of, which I can make a starter career out of, so that hopefully Ill be provided
the time and the money which Ill be able to use in devotion to other
pursuits, such as illustration and writing.

ouosues,e,
NLevitetlreefaietilndgmmicueclhiv, tinoguguhnd
lifeerftohreahm
And if you think youre gonna be spared, youre wrong

Fly Swat-eteerls
Still kind of nervous about going off to college, but I suppose all kids are. I
guess I do kind of like Fort Lauderdale. Not as good as Sarasota, but still
pretty good.

With digital character animation, you pretty much have to mold your
character from the inside out. You basically go through a kind of wire frame
system. I was looking at some tutorials online for creating a digital
character. They looked hard at first, but once I got into the heart of them,
they were not as hard to figure out as I first thought them to be. The thing is,
Im sure some of the techniques they use in digital feature animation are
probably pretty similar. By the end of the next four years, using computers
to animate should be a cinch for me. God. I can only hope so. The only thing
stopping me from becoming a master in nearly any creative medium is my
own frustration, because its not like Im incapable physically of working
hard at piece of artwork and digital rendering. I really do like the way
computers can create lights, shadows, reflections, translucence and whatnot.
You cant really do that with traditional animation. A digital world is much
more convincing than a 2-D art world and I like that element of it. I really do
seem to be falling in love with the potential computers hold for my future.
Learning how digital animation works would only help my aesthetics if I
chose to eventually pursue a career as a live action filmmaker. If I knew my
filmmaking craft, with computers, Id probably be better equipped if I were

P a g e | 1092

to take on a high budget mainstream film that used some scenes that
contained CGI. Quite a few popular filmmakers have done this. Spielberg,
Zemeckis, George Lucas, Ron Howard. Of course, there are a lot of directors
I admire that pretty much never use CGI in their films. These include M.
Night Shyamalan, Kevin Smith, Gus Van Sant, and Quentin Tarantino. If I
learned more about traditional photography, that would help as well. I like
how Tim Burton uses his imaginative sketches to direct the art department in
basically all of his films. This in turn gives all of his films a type of
distinctive and stylistic look to them, and there something I enjoy about
those kinds of films. Hes turned that kind of filmmaking into an art form
and has become very rich in the process.

It appears designing, developing, and programming video games seems to

be a hot career option right now, with salaries ranging from $31,000 a year
to $110,000 a year.

I do get a lot of looks wherever I go, in the car and walking around, but I
think everyone does. I just dont know if I get any more than the average
person. By now, Im pretty used to it. Ive pretty much stopped trying to
read peoples minds; because chances are thats probably whats causing my
social anxiety in the first place. Im really trying to drop that theyre all
against me mentality.

In 2001, the film industry (for box office alone) raked in total revenue of
$2.96 billion, and the top moneymaker of that year was Shrek, one of my
favorite recent movies. The amazing thing about this is that the video game
industry made over three times as much last year. It brought in revenue of $9
billion. In the literary market, in 2001, in book sales, trade revenues reached
$6.37 billion. Aint the American economy grand? I have no idea where this
leaves me as an aspiringwhatever. Ah fuck it. I dont even know what I
aspire to do anymore. It could be anything. Video game design, novel
writing, directing film, illustration, comic book creator, scriptwriter, web
designer, animator, producer. You name it. Ill do whatever I can.

P a g e | 1093

When you think about it, a lot of celebritys probably dont listen to their
families all the time. They go according to what they believe in, which is
probably why a lot of them are successful. If most celebritys lived their
lives according to how their families thought they should live them, they
wouldnt be quite as unique. It does take a kind of arrogance to achieve
success in this world. On your way up, youre not going to be able to please
everyone with your politeness, and that includes your family. If I lived
according to what my family thought I should do, Id be a conservative,
P.C., uncreative, unoriginal, too-eager-to-please type person. Id never
distinguish myself as an individual. A lot of the things I do dont make any
sense to my family, but Im OK with that. I have a feeling other people have
this problem too. I can be compulsive sometimes. If I had my way at school,
all Id probably do would be sleep, draw, and write essays, but I doubt that
would be productive.

The news is so horrible sometimes. I just went on the Internet and read an
article about a man who was in his wifes house when he shot his child and
his ex-wifes three children, then turned the gun on himself, while his exwife was out for a jog. That hurt me to read that thing. Imagine getting back
home from a job, and coming home to something as horrible as that. God
that gives me the creeps thinking someone would do something so wretched.
Where was that mans mercy and compassion at the time he did that? The
thing is, the article simply reported it as just another murder/suicide on a
Tuesday afternoon, and did not go into any of the details or gray areas,
because there always are gray areas with stories of that kind. Always. Thats
the sad thing about journalism. You simply report the facts, answer who,
what, where, when, and how, and thats it. No personal interpretation, no
bias, no creative representation. Leave that to the novelists and screenplay
writers. Thats why I say Thank God Im not a journalist. Exactly what kind
of truth can be found in journalism anyway? Are the basic facts really the
truth? Simply say what happens, but not giving a reason or cause for it? I
find that kind of truth frightening because it seems more like chaos. I guess
the best truth is to not lose hope, move on with the rest of our lives, and do
our best to help the world in whatever way we can, because doing so restores
order, and I believe truth partially can be found in order.

Got to go to the comic book store once again today, and just found out
today that Jhonen Vasquezs underground soon-to-be classic, Johnny the

P a g e | 1094

Homicidal Maniac, is in its 10th printing. Its been reprinted nine times. I
have no idea how a book with such humble and obscure beginnings can rise
to become so popular. People like myself can only hope to rise from
obscurity that successfully.

Thisthis life of mine seems to be shaping up and turning into something.

I dont know what. I just know its something. Maybe knowing would take
part of the fun away from it.

If there were two affiliate people I might need in the future, theyd have to
be an agent and a research assistant. The assistant would be for the
development of my work, and the agent would be for the selling of my work,
when the time comes.

Im pretty sure Ill be taking a class for computer science during my first
quarter at the Art Institute, but may be wrong. Do definitely like the idea of
better learning how to use computers more efficiently.

P a g e | 1095

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 65

P a g e | 1096

March 2002

I guess I know what classes Ill be taking during my first quarter at the Art
Institute. Ill be taking Drawing and Perspective, Design Basics, History of
Animation, Principals of Interpersonal and Group Communication, and
either Computer Science or Computer Science/Advance Concepts. Im not
expecting these classes to be too easy, but Im pretty much counting on them
to at least be enjoyable. These are all really cool classes, so during the three
years Ill be there, time should fly by between doing homework, going to
class, recreation, and socializing with the other students there. I can use a
word processor pretty efficiently, but I still think that theres much to be
desired in my brains area of computer knowledge, so theres a good chance
I might take the beginner class, rather than the advanced one.

It turns out Ill be taking another class at Crealde before I go off to the Art
Institute. Ill be taking a class called Introduction to Color. Ive expressed
interest to my parents in being able to get some art education about color
before I go to an art school, as to better prepare myself for what Im about to
learn.
Theres some really cool videogames out there, especially on Xbox,
Playstation 2, and Gamecube. Ive heard about games like Max Payne, Final
Fantasy X, and Grand Theft Auto 3. Havent gotten to play them yet, but I
want to. Theres also a new Sonic the Hedgehog game out on Gamecube.
Those all look great, and Im interested in trying them out. During the last
twelve years, videogames in general, on all systems, have been going
through a kind of technological renaissance. Technology itself in general has
reached a graphics quality zenith. Its simply amazing. Id love to work in an
industry that currently making that many breakthroughs. I may very well do
just that after college, but it all depends.

P a g e | 1097

Heres one question: Just why the hell exactly are there so many terrible god
awful books and comic books out there? My god, man! There are so many
bad ones, and many of them have become bestsellers. Heres one of my
favorite titles that belongs to a book, which looks pretty bad: What Would
Jesus Eat? The title is kind of funny, but heres my response question: Just
what the fucks that supposed to mean, anyway? God. Why would someone
be tasteless enough to use a title like that? Perhaps I should say that about
80% of the entertainment out there is entertainment I find unappealing. And
to me, some of it is so unappealing that, in a way, I actually find it unsettling
and repulsive. Therere so many hacks and wannabes out there, its
frightening.

I have a web design class to do tonight, and if I have energy afterwards, I

may get to drawing. Scratch that. I think I definitely have the energy, but its
more of a basic matter of not being lazy. It comes down to this: I slack or I
do not slack. I make the decision. No one else makes it for me.

Im not sure if theres anything conventional about my self, my life, and the
activities I do for recreation and work. I guess I may be pretty
unconventional. As for being conventional: I wear khaki shorts and blue
jeans, if that counts for anything.

Have not talked much about the spiritual journey lately. It may be because of
my recent battle with anxiety, or myself trying to deconstruct my ego more
than I have.

Dont know what else to write about. Should probably get to web design
really soon.

I remember seeing a questionnaire with Iggy Pop in Maxim magazine or

some other borderline porno mag of that kind. How do you stay so young?
they asked him. I believe his reply was, Lots of fucking. Lot of sex. That
was pretty humorous now that I recall it.

P a g e | 1098

At school today, it got kind of weird. I was actually feeling what I believe to
be inclinations to speak British slang. I wanted to use words like bloke and
bollocks in my sentences. This is weird; because Ive never lived in or even
been to London or the UK in general, though want to go. I resisted the
temptation to speak what was on my mind. I know thatll get me some funny
looks, I thought. Damn. Now Im feeling an urge to watch Vincent Price and
Frank Capra films. Again! Movies seem to be the great contemporary
American escapism. I think TV comes in a close second.

Ive been wondering. Is there any such thing as creative enlightenment?

Being extremely creative. I guess you could call it creative genius. If there is
such a thing as creative enlightenment, Id say people like Ken Wilber,
Beck, Picasso, da Vinci, Ernest Hemingway, Michelangelo, and Mozart fit
this description. So creative that its frightening.

Got some of my web design done. Im nearly finished with that class, but I
think its taught me a lot.

Its kind of tough to tell what kind of a rate I observe and retain information
at. Sometimes it seems fast. Sometimes it seems slow. During the last seven
days, I know for certain Ive learned about how to animate with a computer,
some of the concepts behind 3-D modeling, factual information about the
sun (from school), the possibilities of designing videogames, what my first
classes will be at AiFL, what the top rated shows on some television stations
were (on ABC it was the Academy Awards; on Nickelodeon, it was the
premiere of ChalkZone, which drew about 4 million viewers. Three million
more than Invader ZIM drew during its premiere episode.), storytelling
elements for visual media, how to use Paint Shop Pro to create, color, and
outline buttons for a website, and how to make a buttons background
transparent with the Fireworks program. Ive also learned more about color
composition from Drawing on The Right Side of The Brain, about hues and
values, and how if these are understood well, it should not be hard to paint
and understand the process of blending colors together. Aside from learning
those things, Ive done a healthy amount of schoolwork at school, but what

P a g e | 1099

Ive written just now is what Ive really absorbed in the last week or so. Ive
been told that I have the kind of mind where the things Im most interested
in are the things I can learn extremely well. Thats my ADD at work. I have
some intelligence. Im just not sure where it goes sometimes. Forgot to add
that I also learned how much revenue the movie industry box office,
videogame industry, and publishing industry have made in 2001. Despite
September 11th, in my opinion the entertainment business in general still had
one damn lucrative year. Who does the majority of the moolah go to
anyway? Maybe I really ought to go into business and marketing. I do seem
to show a tendency towards having interest in figuring out how to make a
profit. Just recently, Ive learned about a concept called free enterprise.
More Products to Offer on Market + Quality + Innovation + Publics
Knowledge of Products Existence + Lower Price = Better Sales.

Andrew just got home. Its good to have him back in the house. He hasnt
been around here at all today for as long as Ive been here.

Was looking through my old yearbook from middle school. I wanted to keep
it and throw it away at the same time. It brought back good and horrible
memories. It had a whole bunch of black pen drawings and hateful writings I
wrote in the book when I was really pissed off and bitter. Im better now,
and I have more peace of mind. I still hold some resentment toward my past
though. This life of mine is confusing. I dont know whether to love or to
hate my past. Back then I was nave and accepting, and saw the world as a
genuinely happy place, but now Im right in the middle of growing up, and I
see reality for its beauty, ugliness, and numerous gray areas. Its frightening
when you see reality in all its clarity. At times, I dont know whether to
appreciate my past or look down on it. Ive had some issues, and have come
a long way.

Also, not very long ago, I found out from Mom that the adoption I went
through was a closed adoption, which means the records of my birth parents
have been sealed. This means I probably wont be able to know much about
them and their existence, and the complete specificity of my ethnicity will
remain a mystery to myself, and everyone who knows me. Its upsetting, but
I think I can learn to accept it. I didnt cry this time either. Havent done that

P a g e | 1100

since I was young and since the time my father mocked my Buddhism (I was
more sensitive about my religion then than I am now). I didnt find out about
the closed adoption until now, either because I didnt listen to my parents
enough when they talked about my adoption process, or because they didnt
tell me. I dont know for certain. They tell me its the former, not the latter. I
dont know if I should believe themLike that Charlie Gordon character in
Flowers For Algernon, I had a lot more friends when I was nave and
ignorant of societal reality. I still have a few, but not as many as I used to.
Maybe times have changed, and maybe they havent. Maybe Ive just
become more cynical and condescending. That matter can be quite
subjective. Theres one thing I know though. School destroys some kids and
doesnt apologize for any emotional or psychological damage done, then
throws you out into the real world, unless you go to college first. Its a harsh
cultural situation, but thats the way it is, so deal with it as best you can.

Cant think of anything to say right now, but Ill still try to. In school, was
listening to Green Days Dookie album, which has to be their best work of
all time. Have been listening to that album since either elementary school, or
when Id started middle school, and the appeal of the songs seems just as
strong now as it did during the first time I listened to them, which was more
than five years ago. The songs seem timeless to me, because Ive enjoyed
them for so long without getting tired of them. Sure the album is violent, fast
paced, and loud, but it is also furiously beautiful, well crafted, and melodic
in an aggressive sort of way that goes beyond basic punk. The music of The
Who was the same way. I think Green Day isor will in the future, be
recognized asthe Generation X version of The Ramones.
Enough obsessing about my name! Its time to move onto writing about
other things. Its Thursday today and theres no school tomorrow, so I can
stay up all night tonight if I want to. Doing that looks doubtful though. The
prospect of it is assimilating into nothingness, just as my spirit is ascending
to transcendence and staggering towards emptiness and luminosity. I float in
emptiness. Perhaps this is where I get my ideas. I dont know. Its like I was
a different person three or four years ago. That person is foreign to me. Hes
like something of an apparition or entity that haunts me from time to time;
that I know existed in this body once. Feeling the effects of what I used to be
like frightens me sometimes. The word HATE is still marked on my brown
bedroom door, which I cut there in white letters, underlined, and I remember
writing it with a metal toy or something, but it was like a different, more

P a g e | 1101

aggressive person did it. That was before the hospital. I wrote it because I
used to think that feeling aversion and hating someone who treated you
badly works as a catharsis, but that theory isnt true. It only multiplies the
hate. It feeds the cycle of hatred. I also still have the journals I kept while I
spent a short time in the [psychiatric] hospital, which lasted about a week or
two. That was more anger I observed when I read those papers. Looking
back on then, I realize I cannot relate to the mindset of that person, and Im
glad for that. Its like I only took form and started existing three or four
years ago, when I started keeping this word processor journal, andlater
onwhen I was able to feel the tangibility of my spiritual self. Thats when
I discovered compassion, meditation practice, and universal love. It was
when I tried to stop being such an antisocial, arrogant, egocentric asshole. It
was before I became an amateur philosopher, and a much more sufficient
artist.

Therere a lot of people in this world, and everyone seems to be interested

and focused on something different. Considering the fact that Im foolish
enough to want to work in the entertainment industry, Im at a distinct
advantage, geographically speaking. Basically, on an international level, the
American standard is considered the worldwide mainstream standard in
entertainment. I have no idea why Americans are considered one of the
worldwide leaders in music, film, literature, comic books, art, fashion,
animation, computers, television, and entertainment in general. I dont know
exactly how it got this wayconsidering the fact that I was born in Ann
Arbor, Michigan of the United States in the year 1983, and am American
this puts me in a very fortunate situation, should I become successful in one
way or another. I still hold a very strong admiration for the British, the Irish,
the Tibetans, and the Japanese, not that I dont like any other nationalities.
Its just that a lot of famous people whose work I enjoy are of those
nationalities I listed. JK Rowling, Alan Moore, and The Beatles are British,
Frank McCourt is Irish, the Dalai Lama is a Tibetan, and that artistic genius,
Yoshitaka Amano, is Japanese.

Havent really posted on message boards as much as I used to. Perhaps

because I dont have anything to say recently, or at least publicly I dont.
Still. Those new DVDs I have are tempting me. Edwards Scissorhands,
Fight Club, and Shrek do seem enticing right now. The fact that I can watch
them anytime is an amazing feeling. At the same time, it can kind of make

P a g e | 1102

one feel spoiled in a way. Maybe its because Im trying to be invisible. I

know there is some people out there who enjoy some of the things I write in
online forums, but Im not really aiming to please other people right now.
Not just yet. I think when my posting spree reached its peak; I was posting
on about 6 different message boards or so pretty consistently. Its weird. Its
like you stop posting and people notice right away. Theyll say, This board
seems to be dying or A lot of people from this message board have left
latelythings along those lines. The reason it seems strange to me is
because theyre just message boards. Its not like theyre publishing
companies or movie studios. The thing is, Im a spiritual practitionerand a
thinker, but maybe also an artist and writer. Im not a rock star who desires
power or desires to have his ugly mug plastered in newspapers and TV
screens every two minutes, like a lot of Hollywood in-the-moment supercelebrities.

Lately, in the last two days, it seems like my average daily page amount has
been three pages, and the average amount of time it takes me to think up
something to fill up those three pages is four hours, because Ill often sit at
the computer not writing anything because I feel like I have nothing to say.
This is kind of the way it works. Sometimes Im much more efficient. At
times, Im pretty certain Ive been able to fill up three or four pages in an
hour or two hours, but only if I have a lot to say.

This chair I sit in is extremely comfortable. The cushion is kind of a bluish

color, and it has armrests, which are basically arch-shaped. Thats one aspect
that helps creative work. Having a comfortable chair to work with and use.

It is kind of early in the day today. Mom and Dad are at work, and Im pretty
sure Andy is in his room, sleeping. I think I woke up around 10:30 or 10 in
the morning, but not sure.

Before I went to bed last night, I was looking through some of my books:
The autobiography of Gandhi, and Being and Time by Martin H. I was in the
mood to read something thought provoking and deep. I was going to read
more, but I was falling asleep with my head resting against the pillow and

P a g e | 1103

the books resting on my stomach and lap. Tigger was on the bed sleeping
beside me, I think. I could fall myself falling asleep, so I picked up the
books, put them on the enormous pile with all the other books beside my
bed, turned my bed lamp off, and went to sleep, the room consumed by an
inky blackness.

One cool job seems like it would be being an emcee, turning rhymes as the
DJ spins records. Speaking of hip-hop, Im interested in some groups I
havent heard of before in hip-hop, alternative, and other genres. Might as
well write them down and list them, as to not forget their names. They
include Tweaker, The Avalanches, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, XEcutioners, Dan The Automator, Dilated Peoples, and Doctor Octagon. And
of course Im still interested in De La Soul and Gorillaz. So I guess Im most
interested in bizarre sounding rap groups. Eminem, OutKast, and Linkin
Park are still good as well, despite controversy over the aforementioned
Detroit rapper.

Have been thinking. What good is life if youre not able to record it, keep
track of it, and appreciate it? Mine wouldnt be very good if I couldnt do
these those things.

Lately, the words I write seem to have had a certain kind of flow to them. A
rhythm, for lack of a better word. Lately, my writing has had a much closer
resemblance to the way a person would actually talk than they used to. I
think thats a good thing because Ive been working at it. Its getting closer
to my vision and the potential Im seeing in it. The cool thing is that Im
finally doing research on bands and people and spelling their various names
right.

I think Ill definitely say Fuck trying to please everybody. No matter how
brilliant you are as a creative person, there will always be those hypocrites
who claim that you suck, even though they wont admit that they themselves
could never in a million years have the same amount of ability as you, or
even be able to produce work thats comparable to your own. Nor could they
become as successful as you have. The critics always want to trash-talk. This

P a g e | 1104

happens to the best of us. Just read any review section on Amazon.com.
Youll always find at least one arrogant critic who tries to diss the work.
Thats why you cant always listen to the arrogant critics. You have to listen
to the people who your work means something to, because theyre the ones
who matter, not the people who dislike your work. Youre not doing what
you do for them, and no one in their right mind would do their work for
those types of people. One thing Ive learned is that its usually not easy to
think up new metaphors. Not for me anyway.

If theres one thing Im thinking, its the fact that Im glad I dont have a
personal website anymore. Pretty much all of those personal journal sites on
Angelfire.com are pretentious pieces of Internet drivel and downright
bullshite, made by hypocritical, pretentious, arrogant, teenagers, who have
enormous egos and only care about themselves. Then again, my mother has
stated before that teenagers, by nature, are very egocentric. At times, Im no
exception to this rule, but I try to do otherwise. Its like on the Internet, some
peoplewho will obviously go on to lead unhappy and unhealthy adult
lives, due to the fact that they do not think practically about vocationfeel
they simply need to tell every single one of their relatively insignificant
problems to the world, but they dont tell their stories well, and they dont
give the general public any real reason to listen or care, and overall, thats
just what the general public doesnot listen or care. Thats probably the
case for this journal as well, but at least Im not keeping a journal online. Id
be sinking to new lows if I did that. And whats the freaking deal with all
this online website debating about what is and is not punk. When you think
about it honestly, who really gives a shit? Were all human beings who
desire happiness and acceptance in one form or anotherbut not necessarily
in a direct social wayand thats all that matters, that were not as different
from each other as we think we are. We all have our flaws, strengths, and
weaknesses, and its best to accept our various traits. I can accept the closed
adoption and the Attention Deficit and lifes impermanence and the laziness.
But am still working on accepting the anxiety.

Dad did have a good point yesterday when he spoke to me in my room,

before I went to sleep. We pointed out that up to this point (entering AiFL), I
havent received art and creative instruction for more than 2 hours once a
week at the most. Having it for more than 2 hours, five days a week will do
wonders for me, and hes very true in saying that. Speaking of that, I need

P a g e | 1105

to get back to the drawing relatively soon. I havent drawn in a few days.
The last thing I drew was a sketch on the back of the first page in my
assignments schedule sheet, but that was it! Thats not enough for a person
whos planning on going directly to an art school right after high school.
Dad says hes heard nothing but good things about the Art Institute of Fort
Lauderdale, and some of the people at his workplace have known some
people who have attended the school, and he says these people were told by
the attendees that they had a blast at the school. I hope Ill be able to say that
when I graduate from the school. Im hoping to get a lot of drawing [and]
work done, and make some friends there, all with the objective of attaining a
job sometime following graduation, which can be used towards paying off
the still-enormous school loans.

Got to get this writing practice out of the way, so that I can move onto other
things, like drawing practice, reading, and other things. Thats probably the
reason Ive been doing it so much for the last three and one half hours. So
that I can get it all out of the way now, rather than waiting until tonight,
when Ill regret not having gotten other things done in the afternoon or
evening. Thats been known to happen sometime. Ill be doing a lot of
writing in my journal during the evening, after 5, 6, or 7 p.m., and it will end
up taking away from time that could go towards more important things that
needed more attention that particular momentAfter I finish writing in this
journal for the moment, Im planning on a continuation of the rereading Ive
been doing in certain parts of On Writing: A Memoir of The Craft, by
Stephen King, which has to have been one of his best and most insightful
books in many years. The first time I read it, I thought it was great and well
written. Now, during the second time around, Im seeing it as simply
brilliant, which is obviously what it is. Its gotten high reviews, from readers
and critics alike. Its entertaining, engaging, and literate all at the same time.
And his memoir sections tell a good personal story of his rise to success, and
his recovery from his injury that nearly killed him when he was struck by a
moving truck while taking one of his routine walks along a highway.

Listening to Gorillaz right now.

P a g e | 1106

Havent written an essay in a while. Perhaps I should do that today in place

of something else, or maybe even beside it, rather than having to choose one
or the other.

Read some, which felt good. Ive been thinking. I wouldnt necessarily call
this a post-modern journal. Its more of just a place to put my thoughts down
in, because I noticed a lot of them seem to go through my mind each day.

Good lord! I was just looking at that book I contributed to, and out of more
than a million books to select from on Amazon.com, its ranked in sales at
#9,965, so it went up more than ten thousand rank numbers since last time I
checked. Sales of the book have gone up, but it doesnt affect my own
income, because I wont be seeing any of the money that book makes. Thats
perfectly OK with me though. I read somewhereI dont remember where
specificallythat almost 8 million people shop at Amazon.com, so book
probably cant be doing all that bad. I dont know how many copies its sold
so far, but I imagine its a healthy number. Other than this, I couldnt really
think of anything else to write about. I guess I should probably be satisfied
in the knowledge that my artwork might have recently played a part in
helping people across the world. Thats a good feeling. So I guess, in a way,
I am helping people. Hopefully Ive been able to help someone. One person,
if not more. Sales arent everything. What matters is how much a book helps
people.
Just read on the CNN Money website that the recession in the US economy
(that happened with September 11th) is now over. Things are getting even
more back to normal now than they were yesterday. American income rose,
and so did its spending.

Im trying to think of authors (novelists and memoirists) who write the type
of books that I like to read and would sort of like to write like. I guess they
include Stephen King, Michael Chrichton, Nick Hornby, Irvine Welsh, Dave
Eggers, Frank McCourt, JK Rowling, Dave Barry, Helen Fielding, Daniel
Keyes, Christopher Buckley, Chuck Palahniuk, and Bret Easton Ellis.
Perhaps Dean Koontz as well. These are the contemporary authors I like. I
also enjoy some of the classic ones, aside from Daniel Keyes. I like the
obvious choices. Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, Ray Bradbury, H.P.

P a g e | 1107

Lovecraft, Edgar Allan Poe, Leo Tolstoy, Charles Dickens, William

Shakespeare, T.S. Eliot, H.G. Wells, and J.D. Salinger. The majority of
authors, which I like, are nearly all popular ones. I dont like them because
of their sales numbers. I like them because of the substance and worth their
books contain.

This is interesting. Its 9:16 at night right now. Its been a whole day. A
whole day has gone by, and Ive done nothing useful today.

Another day wasted. All I did today was write in this journal, read books,
watch TV, and listen to music. No web design, no writing practice, no
drawing.

Was watching some television tonight, and I started browsing through the
channels. I came across something interested. I started watching the
American Movie Classic and Turner Classic Movies channels, and theyve
already started playing films from the 1980s. Poltergeist is already getting
played on Turner Classic Movies, I think. Thats pretty bizarre to me,
because it was released one year before I was born. When I look at those
channels, I expect to see films like Seven Samurai, Psycho, and The Birds. I
dont really expect to see movies from the 80s. Cool anyway though.
Im not sure whether today will be an easy day or a hard day. If I dont have
to do much, it should be an easy day.

I think I may be going back into a videogames and computer games. Was
just playing Half-Life on the computer after I reinstalled it, and a day or two
before now, I was playing one of my old favorites, that kick-ass game
Braindead 13, the interactive animated sequence game that didnt do to well,
but I loved it. Im thinking sometime later today, Ill play Quake, Quake II,
Hexen II, and Need For Speed III. I remember when the Doom series and
Duke Nukem series were really popular, but Doom was popular up until
Columbine happened. Now the game is basically infamous. So is Marilyn
Manson. Violent videogames are an easy scapegoat for politicians,
especially after the Columbine tragedy in Littleton, Colorado. I dont blame

P a g e | 1108

videogames for the violence that some teenagers cause, though. A lot of it
has to do with the parents.

Dads going to need some help cleaning up the backyard, trimming bushes
and whatnot. He told me to help him, so thats what Ill be doing. In about
five minutes, Ill be going outside to assist him with hedge trimming and
picking up branches.

I finished helping Mom and Dad with the backyard and front yard lawns,
trimming bushes, branches, and cutting plants. I think the whole thing took
about 4 hours, and my back hurt a lot afterwards. Also did some brother
bonding with Andy today after we finished working on the yard. Afterwards,
it was just Andrew and I in the house, and Andrew started playing that Star
Wars first-person shooter, Dark Forces. The sound wasnt working, but
Andrew used it anyway. After that, my brother wanted to play Quake II, but
I tried to install it, and couldnt get it to work, so we ended up playing Need
For Speed III instead, which was just as good. Dark Forces uses DOS, and
our computer isnt really as compatible with that format anymore. I cant
believe its been so long since Dark Forces and Duke Nukem first came out.
Some of those games seem prehistoric to what some computers and
computer games can do now.
It seems like two of the best large literary publishers to take a mainstream
fiction novel toif you want to publish it in hardcover, paperback, and other
formats, and maybe make a healthy income from at least one bookare
Simon & Schuster and Random House. If I end up writing a whole novel,
and am able to find a literary agent, Ill definitely ask them what their
chances of selling one of my manuscripts to those publishers would be. Its
not impossible to get associated with a major publisher. Its just harder to do
than if you were going with a different (smaller, and less well known)
publishing house. Eventually, Im going to purchase a copy of Writers
Market, read it, study it, and find out what kind of short story publishers and
agents are out there. If I want to find a career as an author, Im going to have
to try to get into contact with an agent of some sort, hopefully a good one
who wouldnt try to take advantage of my desperation and optimism about
attaining publication with my writing.

P a g e | 1109

When I think about it, I dont know who my writing would appeal to. I know
it has appeal and would appeal to someone, but I dont know what that
person looks like or is like in general. I honestly dont know if my writing
and artwork have the makings of a cult following. Im not sure if I want to
end up in that type of position seemingly reserved for Dave Eggers, Jhonen
Vasquez, and Ken Wilber.

Cant really think of anything to complain or rant about. I have ideas for
stories, a close relationship with my family, acceptance into an art school in
Florida, progress on overcoming my anxiety, and a large CD and DVD
collection. So I cant really find anything to complain about. The only thing
that comes close to being complaint-worthy is not the drawing enough and
going to college in three months. Thats about it. I have no money, but I do
not desire such a thing.

This computer of Dads is acting weird right now. The screen appears extra
small, but the computer still works nonetheless. Interesting. This journal is
so small that it actually looks like a real manuscript for a book. Interesting. I
was trying to watch the Shrek DVD on this computer, and after it froze up
and I restarted the system was when it began acting strangely. Perhaps the
Windows program got drunk off of the visual information from the DVD. It
had too much fun.

9:39 p.m. Not much time left before I get tired, I assume. Yes, it is true that
it is a Saturday on the weekend and I dont have to go to bed right at 10
oclock, but currently, I do enjoy getting to bed at pragmatic hoursThere.
Now the computers screen is fixed. Dad showed me how to fix it. Its a
matter of going through the Start inventory, clicking Settings, Control
Panel, and then Display, and toggling with the controls next to the
picture on the miniature screen. Its that simple. Now I know how to fix it
next time. Computers arent that intimidating, once you become friends with
them. As an old Chinese saying has gone: That which is known is not
difficult. That which is difficult is not known. Fixing the computer screen
is now not difficult to me, because it is known.

P a g e | 1110

Even though it can kind of seem like I have things planned out, Im still
trying to figure out what Im going to do with my life. In a way, I dont think
I know. I constantly try to evaluate if Ill do well in the real world or not.
Pretty soon I think Ill go back into

Its Easter Sunday today. Weve already had cinnamon roles and chocolate
Easter bunnies. I dont really celebrate Easter for Christian reasons. Its
more to just participate in holidays with the family, and have a good time
with them. Just because I do this doesnt mean Im a secular sellout. Or at
least not in my opinion.

Back has been aching a lot this morning. I can barely move due to
yesterday.

I personally think one of the most ignorant acts in history has been the act of
fighting over something like religion. The whole point of religion is to stop
violence from happening, not initiating it.

Its amazing how ordinary people with ordinary lives suddenly become
published authors, and some of them become very famous ones, such as
Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Daniel Steel, Thomas Harris, Dave Eggers,
Frank McCourt, and John Grisham. Theyre start of having regular jobs like
being teachers and lawyers and doctors and whatnot, but soon quit their day
jobs and pursue the literary life. In a way, thats what I hope to do. Not

P a g e | 1111

necessarily be a famous author, but simply make a living as an author after

Ive worked with some type of career, which involves art. I dont think Id
ever write a memoir in my life. In a way, I think, these journals sort of are
the memoir of my life. The only difference is, they reveal my life while its
happening, rather than after it already has and is in the past.

Back is still aching. Im going to attempt to loosen my back muscles up with

a heating pad that belongs to Mom.

There. Just did two or three more assignments for my web design class with
the Florida Virtual School. The really cool thing is, they had us go to a
linked page that was all about copyright ownership, which will obviously be
useful and might be applicable to my creative work.

Ive decided Id like to write unconventional mainstream fiction.

I have about a month left in my web design class to get the whole thing
done. If I dont work every day for the next three or four weeks, for at least
an hour, Im fucked.
April 2002

Im feeling better about the web design. Ive already completed the HTML
layout for my Webquest tutorial website. This Module 5 in my class
involves making our own website, on our own, and having it teach some
kind of tutorial. Mine is on national book bestsellers, and it involves going
to a place I frequentthe Amazon.com 100 bestseller sectionfor research
in finding out about book sales numbers and their authors. Just today, I
converted the Word file to HTML coding, and laid out the pages
composition. Now all I need are more images, a background, and a method
for completely my course. Im still working on those things. I also plan on
doing a decent amount of research on the copyright process, so that I might
be able to use it in the future. I think now that I have a topic and a web
layout for my newest site, Im pretty much in the clear.

P a g e | 1112

Mike Mignola seems to be a very influential contemporary comic book

artist. Hes certainly influenced me somewhat. He has a good sense of
positive and negative space, and design. David Mack is kind of the same
way, except his style is more sophisticated and elaborate, and it looks a lot
different.

I wonder how many comic book writers have taken influenced by

Hemingway or Steinbeck. I certainly am, and Id like to be a comic book
writer.

Havent written an essay in a while. Should perhaps do that, but am not sure
what else there is to write about, which I havent written about before. I
know I can elaborate on the old things, but I still have a strong desire to find
new things in my life and in existence in general which I can write about.

I was playing Quake earlier, and damn. That game rocks. It may be semiold, but its still really good. Its intense though. Theres something about
going around and shooting up hundreds of space demons, serial killers, and
inhuman monsters, which seems very enticing. Blowing the heads off of
otherworldly creatures is always fun. Its all pure fantasy and thats part of
the fun of it. The cool thing is that you can get away with shooting things in
videogamesdoing deviant behaviorwhich is something you would not
be able to do in real life. I would never think of doing in real life the things
Im able to do in games like Quake and Duke Nukem.

I write the songs that make the whole world sing.

I dont know what else to write about.

Currently printing out another digital animation tutorial, this time about the
Maya program. I cant seem to stop reading these things. I really have a

P a g e | 1113

desire to become knowledgeable about computers and their programs and

use the efficiently. I want to learn what processors, RAM, and MHz are. I
want to know how more RAM is enough RAM for a computer, and how
much memory a good computer system has. I dont know much about any of
these things now, but I may sometime in the near future. I think thats where
the Computer Science classes at the Art Institute come in.

Well, between now and last time I wrote in this journal, I was able to create
a small practice website. Its a practice site, and has a background in it. An
Invader ZIM fan website. I got the links section and the pictures section
working, but the layout is kind of plain. Still, not bad for something I
concocted in about two hours. Its not published, but the links seem to be
working. I have to make more practice sites like that one I just did. I still
have to make the Webquest site. So far, thats about four websites and pages
Ive made. Ill list them: Homepage, Snapshots In Time, The Invader ZIM
Shrine of Doom, and Webquest. I think Im getting better at this web design
stuff, and two of them I just made or started making today. I like designing
websites. I doubt Ill do it for a profession, because Im not that good at it,
but Id love to make a lot more sites for pure recreation, because its a lot of
fun. Lately, Ive been having a better understanding of HTML. And if I keep
practicing, Ill only get better. Tomorrow, after school, Ill be working on
my Webquest site some more. Right now, Im just going to sit back and
hang out.

I think I made a breakthrough today, but that breakthrough did not come
without a lot of incipient aggravation and frustration. Perhaps I should start
from the beginning, or the end.

I went to school today, and got the usual amount of work donebut not as
much as I accomplished in school yesterdayand figured out a new
mathematical method. I also made a lot of lists in school (essay topics,
selling points, accomplishments), and now have many more ideas for new
essays, a good business thought process to go off of when Im working on
books, and a good knowledge of what I accomplished up to the point where I
wrote about it. I made a lot of copies and Xeroxes today as well. Principals
of Traditional Animation as Applied to Computer Animation, a mini-

P a g e | 1114

chapter out of one of my schools Economics text books on the Demand

theory, and a whole bunch of information about copyrighting things from
the official copyright website. Worked on some more web design today as
well, my WebQuest assignment. Yesterday I downloaded a whole bunch of
free backgrounds from a website, and this morning I looked through all of
them. Those will be useful to me when and if I decide to construct future
websites.

Now about the most important thing which happened to me today. I went to
Crealde directly from schooland began taking the first painting class in
my entire life, Fundamentals of Color. I dont think I did all that well
compared to the other students thereI missed the first class of the season,
but was there for the second this time todaybut I did put in a lot of effort,
and did my best to pay attention when my instructor for that class, Terry, did
a recap of the last lesson specifically for me, as we both stood in front of the
color wheel and she went over various facts about color. I had trouble
remembering nearly everything she said, but I did remember some of the
most important things. I learned what the three primary colors are. Theyre
blue, yellow, and red. The rest of the colors in painting are nearly all derived
from those three colors, all combinations. We had to create color charts with
oil paints and metal brushes and our palettes. I also learned more about
values and hues and whatnot, but Ill go over that later, when I have more
time. My chart didnt turn out all that bad. The goal was relatively simple,
but it was very hard for me, since I had no experience in that particular area,
and it was obvious to the class I had never really attempted painting with
oils before. I was going to be taking a pastel class, but there werent enough
people interested in the class, apparently, so Crealde didnt do that one this
time. Still feel like I got my moneys worth though. At the beginning of the
class, I was nervous, frustrated, and intimidated, but with a lot of personal
help from the instructor and determination of my own part, by the middle of
the class, I had gotten a decent amount more confidence and was able to at
least feel confident with the brushes (or blades) and use them with more ease
than Id been able to at the beginning, and that actually seemed, at the time,
like all I needed right then. Confidence.

After the class was done, I had a fair bit more confidence in my painting
ability, and painting, now, does not seem quite as mysterious to me as it did
before. I feel like, given some time to practice, I actually might be able to

P a g e | 1115

create a fairly decent painting. A work of art in color. And this seems extra
interesting to me, when I take into account the fact that I actually am color
blind when it comes to distinguishing contrast between certain colors, such
as certain shades of greens. The subtler the difference is, the harder it is for
me to distinguish the difference. Perhaps my partial colorblindness is part of
the reason I like black and white indie comics and manga like Johnny The
Homicidal Maniac, SQUEE!, Blade of The Immortal, and Kabuki so much.
And perhaps Ill make a great painter one day. If I could ever become
something like that, then Id be overcoming one of my biggest hurdles, both
analytically and creatively. Painting is one of my worst areas artistically. I
can do penciling, inking, and black and white [and] gray shading. But
coloring and painting? Fuggedaboudit.

I guess I didnt realize before that Zen Buddhism is known for emphasizing
simplicity. Interesting. I wrote a one or two page essay on the topic of
simplicity once. Zen and the art of being Joseph Alberts. I would also like to
apply various elements of Taoism and Confucianism to my writings. Have
not written a new essay in a long time. Hey man. A week and a half is a long
time by my standards.
That web design class Im doing should be getting finished off pretty soon.
If I can learn traditional 2-D painting with oils and whatnot, and computer
animation, using Photoshop might actually turn out to be pretty damn easy.

I cant believe Ive taken a painting class, done most of my schoolwork,

wrote 2 pages in this journal, and worked on my webpage, and its only 8:14
p.m. at night. Thats fucking amazing. Given the circumstances Im used to,
it would normally be around 10:30 at night by now.

Dont think Ive ever seen this computer desktop area this cluttered before.
Dad is tolerating it, for now. I think because a lot of these pages are for my
web design class, and I need to keep them here so that I can use them as
reference for making the WebQuest thing.

P a g e | 1116

Now that have started taking that painting class, I think I might be able to
one day do an 11 x 17 cover painting for a comic book, like what Jhonen
Vasquez, David Mack, Alex Ross, and Yoshitaka Amano all do.

In school today, I learned about the war thats been going on between the
British and the Irish, which has been going on for many, many years. For
much of the twentieth century, the Irish have been fighting with the British,
and a lot of it has to do with religion. The protestant British invaded a
largely Catholic Ireland. Ask any Irish person, including my mother. Shes
partially Irish. I might be too. That cultural dispute is where the term The
fightin Irish comes from. But America is a whole different story. Its a
completely different place. It has its positives and its negatives. Im pretty
certain the United States is one of the, if not themost culturally diverse
and economically powerful place(s) on the face of the earth. Perhaps thats
why the friends in our fellow nations hold both respect and resentment for
the majority of people who live in America. I hope Im not viewed by people
in third world countries, Asia, and Europe, as a big, fat arsed, ugly, evil,
powerful, arrogant American. I have empathy for those across the world. I
dont look down on other countries. I hold a place in my heart and a lot
admiration for them. Ive never been to Japan or London, but I think Id love
it in those places. Obviously it would be a culture shock, if one were to visit
those places though.

P a g e | 1117

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 66

P a g e | 1118

April 2002

Now in about thirty minutes, Ill be working on my WebQuest assignment.

Was going through some books on painting and color, studying it, and trying
to get some decent retained information out of it. Im very excited about
painting with oils now. Aside from the primary colors, the secondary colors
include green, orange, and purple. Now its just a matter of figuring out to
apply these things. I looked through those books with a feeling that I too
could create paintings like the beautiful things I saw in that illustrative
instructional book.

Feeling like such a freaking idiot, not having any substantial thoughts on my
mind. Feelinglost right now. Probably just described half the planets
population. Id really like to draw tonight, and get back to it, but just not
sure. This is fucking frustrating, because I know theres a whole hell of a lot
of people out there who are disappointed with the current states of various
creative entertainment markets, and want something good, satisfying, and
new. People are waiting for the next good book to read. I would really like to
write one of those, or create a great comic book, or do something that
satisfies peoples entertainment needs. I know I can write a good book, and I
know there are people out there, who are waiting for a good book to read,
but I have not written one yet, and that is frustrating.

Sometimes I feel like Im such a burden to anyone I end up sharing a living

space and co-existence with, especially my parents. If I had my way, Id
sleep all day and maybe draw and write on a word processor. I dont think
Id play very many videogames or watch much television.

P a g e | 1119

Its weird thinking about the way I used to think about colors in artwork of
various forms. I used to pay more attention to the form of the subject and its
inherent realism rather than what actual colors it was comprised of, didnt
pay attention to which colors needed to be blended, painted, and mixed to
produce those colors. Fortunately, that error in creative and artistic reasoning
has been rectified. I now pay much more attention to those things when I see
a brilliant work of art in color, which has been created by someone else. I
cant stop thinking that if I got that far artistically speaking, with charcoal, I
perhaps could most certainly transcend my current boundaries with color
media, paint supplies, and computer art and animation programs. Ill
probably be learning all those things in college, which is what amazes me;
all this future knowledge, which I can use to make a career and reputation
for myself.

Im not sure whether that debut album from Andrew W.K., I Get Wet, will
do any well commercially, on the Billboard charts. Ive heard a lot about this
guy, and it seems hes getting a lot of free promotion and press for himself
and his new album, from various national publications, such as Rolling
Stone, and Newsweek, I believe. Getting full multi page mentions in
magazines as big as those certainly cant hurt the potential of ones
economic success in the music market. Theres nothing like free publicity.
Although it kind of makes one wonder, is it really free? Guys like Ken
Wilber and Robert M. Pirsig can only dream of having the type of book sales
people like John Grisham, Dean Koontz, JK Rowling, and Stephen King
have had thus far. There are obvious reasons for this situation. One is that
the latter group of authors books get a hell of a lot more promotion in
various forms. The other is that book-buyersas Stephen King calls
themdont always want to think too hard. And some dont really want to
think at all. They just want good characters, and a story they can relate to.
Simple enough, right? Because of my status in the publishing industries,
which is basically non-existent, I can pretty much only assume that thats the
way it works. Speaking of sales, Michael J. Foxs new memoir, Lucky Man,
currently sits atop the Amazon.com bestseller list at number one, outselling
the works of Hiaasen, Grisham, Koontz, and King. Not surprisingly,
considering how famous and popular of a figure Michael J. Fox is. Right
now, the editors and publishers at Simon & Schuster are laughing all the
way to the bank, but then again, theyve been doing that (laughing and bankgo-toing) for quite some time now. The commercial success of that New

P a g e | 1120

York publishing house has been happening for a long time, and has been no
secret to the public either.

Life is pretty goddam disappointing sometimes. Currently, I cant remember

the last time I bought an American indie comic book and completely liked it.
Got my (web design) resume and book report assignments done, and was
able to read over some of my Economics textbook Xeroxed notes. Ive done
those things. Now I just want to chill, as the homies say. Was working on
my social skills at school. Ive been talking to people there more than I was.

From economy, Ive learned that the American economy is probably the
strongest economy in the world, and is comprised of free enterprise and
capitalism. People are allowed to work to make a living, to run businesses
even, and they are compensated for the physical work they provide in
various ways. Thats what makes the world go round. People working,
providing service to other people in this world, and they are compensated.
Therefore, they are able to make a living to pay for things, such as college,
retirement, vacations, and recreational activities. And another conclusion
Ive discovered is that drug trafficking is a big business, as is crime such as
prostitution and stealing. These things are without a doubt illegal, but they
are nonetheless business in a way. Just as the porno movie industry is a
business. All of these things are amoral and sleazy, in one way or another.
Weve had Chinese food tonight, and brother still isnt home.

Just today, Ive been consistently going over that time I got my wisdom
teeth taken out. Im glad its over, but at the same time Im feeling a
yearning to remember what that period felt like exactly. Theres something
too comforting and good about my life now. Ive been slacking on my
meditation practice. Perhaps because I feel my anxiety has lessened
considerably since last time I meditated. Ive had a feeling of inner peace
lately. Especially now, like Id be content just to sit here and do nothing for
the next five years, and still be very happy. I want to have a life I can live,
not some phony one that revolves around my creative work too much. Ive
done a lot of journal writings, a lot of drawings, and a lot of essay writings. I
think its finally time to relax, have fun, work on the anxiety, and

P a g e | 1121

concentrate on my final web design assignment, WebQuest. I want to do the

art and the writing for a living, but at the same time, I want to live a healthy,
comfortable life, and not obsess over the work too much. Doing it regularly
really helps the overall balance of this life I live. A couple months ago, I was
feeling very philosophical and analytical. Now Im feeling somewhat more
down-to-earth.
Theres certainly one disease thats taken over many people, and that disease
is boredom. So many people are bored out of their minds. There are also a
lot of single people living in this world. I dont think I have anything else to
write today.

The Internet is a wonderful communication tool. I can communicate with

fans of my favorite comic books and the books creators as well. On the
Internet alone, Ive pretty much gotten the opportunity to talk to lots of
people online.

Heard on the news today that Oprah is killing off her famous Book Club. Ah
hell. Thats certainly going to fuck up the literary economy. A lot of lost
money. Many millions probably. It seems as if Oprah is just as fed up as I
am with the volume of bad books, which have come out on the literary
market lately.

A name came to me in school today, for a character, inspired by the name

Max Payne. The name, which came to me, is thisJack Knight. Ive
remembered it since the early part of this afternoon. I like that name. At first,
I assumed people dont really have the last name Knight, but I read an article
on the Internet at home today, and one of the people who spoke in the article
had the last name Knight. I like that last name. When I first heard that last
name, I thought it sounded too cool to be a real world name, but I guess it is
one.

Talking to comic book fans on online forums is a lot of fun, but Ive been
trying to stay clear of message boards lately, because I have too many other
things to do that are more integral to my daily life. Some people practically

P a g e | 1122

live in those fucking forums, and in a way, I do feel bad abandoning those
people, even though weve never seen each other in person.

If some of my writings were to end up being published posthumously, Im

sure Id want to have something in writing that said which charities Id want
a lot of the royalties to go to. It could possibly go to some ecological
organizations, or to the campaign for a free Tibet. I still have to decide on
this matter.

This Sony Discman of mine, which Im using currently, is falling apart on

me. The Stop button kind of seems to get stuck so that even when one
presses it, the CD still keeps playing. You usually have to push the Stop
button twice to get it working.

Since am going to college for three years, beginning the end of this year, it
will be like Ill have been in a time capsule for three years, because 1) Ill be
away from this house, and 2) I probably wont be seeing many movies,
going to the comic book store much, or watching much TV. Why do I feel
like Ill be dead for the next three years or so, yet still having one of the best
times of my life?

This friend of mine who sits next to me in class, John H is really cool. He
wants to start his own company and knows what he wants to do for a career,
but unlike me, he has an idea for a business. Hes really into the
skateboarding craze, and it seems hes very good at it. He wants to start a
career for himself out of skateboarding. How would he do this, you ask? If
he succeeds at his career choice, hell be able to find a commercial sponsor
for his skateboarding. Not an easy task, but I do believe that hes very
devoted to it and has enough tenacity for the potential to achieve his goals.
He seems to be a hard worker. He has the potential to be very successful at
his pursuits. What is his business idea, you ask? Well, hes told me of his
interested in starting up a skateboarder tee shirt design company, kind of like
what the Birdhouse clothing business does. He already has designed a decent
amount of his own tee shirts, which he wears, so hes off to a good start. He
has an easily accessible ability to provide the product. All he really needs

P a g e | 1123

now is some extra money, a product, and a solid business plan. My opinion
is that he needs to either create really cool designs on the tees, or be able to
fill a niche, which has not yet been filled and provided by other companies.

I found out a pretty interesting piece of factual information. Alanis

Morissettes newest album, Under Rug Swept, when it first came out a
month or two agomaybe less than thatit came in at number one on the
music charts of eight or nine countries. Thats a lot of copies of Under Rug
Swept being sold. Guess that means its a good album. I was thinking, if a
CD by this artist or that artist gets put on the market and sells, oh, I dont
know, lets say 20 million or 30 million copies worldwide, you kind of have
to think Whoa. That must have taken a long time to manufacture and create
all those copies of the CD for international distribution. You have to think
that if a certain artists album sells 10 million copies, the company that
produced that album first has to construct 10 million compact discs and 10
million compact disc cases. If a CD or book or whatever is selling well in
the entertainment business, they have to manufacture them in factories fix up
orders, and ship them to stores across the country by the fucking truckload!

Feeling a compulsion to watch some of my Shrek DVD right now, but I

think I need to do my WebQuest assignment some tonight.

I miss things like Earthworm Jim, Schoolhouse Rock, Mortal Kombat,

Beavis & Butthead, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. These were pretty
much all franchises, except for Schoolhouse Rock. I remember they showed
those Schoolhouse Rock videos to my class when I was in elementary
school, back when I had a lot more energy for my art than I do now. I also
remember that in elementary school, every St. Patricks Day, they have use
set up each of our own leprechaun traps, leave the traps in class, come back
the next day, and mysteriously, all the traps had been set off by A
leprechaun as we were told, and we believe it too! The whole gag was
actually very cute. Its those types of things little kids get a real kick out of.
Holiday memories.

P a g e | 1124

Today in class, I heard Alex say to me that hed rather be at school than
hang out at home for a whole week. Hed rather be at school doing stuff than
be at home doing drugs and other recreational activities like watching TV. I
thought that was peculiar, since I tend to get exhausted by the volume of
work that awaits me at school. Some of it I have a lot of trouble with. I
personally would prefer to stay at home for a whole week rather than go to
school for a week. Alex would get bored at home. I would not. I think I have
a lot of things to do at home, even though I spent too much of my time
surfing the Internet and writing in this journal.

Just went over to Judys house, where her sister Sarah and I think Sarahs
husband Jimmy were both sitting in chairs, where they had me over go over
to Judys house and see them. They really wanted me to eat some of the food
there, so I did. I also talked with them for about thirty minutes after I was
finished having dinner there, and afterwards, I got up and went back here.
They live in North Carolina, so they dont get to come down here all the
time. Man, they had some interesting stories to tell.

I should probably think, What am I reading now? I havent set aside some
reading time in a while. Currently, Im reading The Grapes of Wrath, Little
Green Men, The Diary of Anne Frank, Writing The Natural Way, True At
First Light, Tis, and Visual Intelligence. I also read some of my T.S. Eliot
book of poems today in school when I should have been doing my
schoolwork. Thats 8 books Im reading at once. Im having trouble keeping
up with all of them. This is not counting the computer animation tutorials,
copyright tutorials, and Xeroxed Economics chapter pages Ive been
meaning to read.

Just watched the newest episode of Invader ZIM. The episode titled Battle
of The Planets.

Beginning to feel the seeds of tiredness seeping into the essence of my

being, and soon those seeds of tiredness shall be replaced by the seeds of
partial nothingness. This comes with sleep. Now I suppose I should do a

P a g e | 1125

lecture about nothingness and the process of sleepwhich is basically a

form of sub-consciousnessbut I wont.

When I think about it, Im really just a bum. A compassionate bum, but a
bum nonetheless. I dont have a job, so I guess economically speaking, Im
useless. Maybe Ill go and sell ghostly pictures of extraterrestrials through
paranormal websites over the Internet, and make a lot of money off of
gullible alien freaks. These people either want to convince people that they
were abducted or at least convince people that they themselves are
convinced they were abducted.

Why does everyone I know want my attention so much, at school and at

home? Everyone wants me to talk to him or her and spend time with them. I
feel very in demand now. Sometimes I just need time alone with a word
processor, or my drawing table. And when I say everyone I know, I mean
everyone I know. Teachers and some classmates at school, next-door
neighbor Judys relatives Sarah and Jimmy, Mom, Dad, brother, people on
Internet message boards. Is this what its like for celebrities and famous
people? Perhaps, except I assume people expect a lot more from them. This
includes people from all across the country (all 50 states of it), and
sometimes the world.

Since I didnt really work on the WebQuest assignment yesterday, Ill have
to work on it a decent amount today.

I guess I am somewhat of a perfectionist. I dont know why this is.

One of the coolest things about being an artist or a writer is the thought of
not knowing what youll create next. I guess you could call it the
anticipation. Im pretty sure that all artists dont know for certain what their
artwork will look like ahead of time, before they create it. I think theyd
have to be psychic to know the exact physical properties of the thing.

P a g e | 1126

Been thinking about his holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama. Am seriously hoping
hell be okay. Havent heard anything about him since it was in the news
that he was in the hospital for bad health. Perhaps his good karma will help
him with whatever health problems hes been have. I think theres a good
chance he may have already been enlightened, so he might not need to worry
about reincarnation into a lower life. If he isnt enlightened yet, hes close to
it. My mind has gotten clouded recently. Ive been drawn away from the
saints and sages who attained spiritual transcendence, and have been drawn
towards the unimportant and inane. Ive been driven away from the
important ones, such as the enlightened Buddha, Jesus of Nazareth, Lao Tzu,
Muhammad, and Confucius. I would say God, the Gaia, and the gods as
well, but theres not really a biography for those things. When it comes to
religious guidance, do not look too much to the technicality of the sages
existence and being, but look more towards the message they had to offer to
the world. I believe that is the key. Maybe I should become a scientologist.
Scientology seems kind of weird to me. Therere three things I doubt Ill
ever completely become. Those things are a Hindu, a Muslim, or a
Scientologist.

Listening to some Black Eyed Peas tight ass hip-hop shit right now. Them is
some fucking sweet emcees. Their instrumentals arent bad either. Yes, I do
like some hip-hop. I might even put some hip-hop references in my novels.
Thats one thing Dave Eggers never did, even though he wrote that
Generation X masterpiece, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.
The only new, young writer or artists Ive seen make realistic references to
the hip-hop culture has been the underground comic book creator, Jim
Mahfood. I like the way hes able to pull that hip-hop voice off.

I think I may become a webmaster (or web designer, or website creator, if

you would prefer to call it either of those instead) and a painter. Im not sure
about inker, colorist, live action film director, animation director, and actor,
among other things.

Maybe I should make a list of my favorite thinkers of all time. They include
the following: Albert Einstein, Mohandas K. Gandhi, Leonardo da Vinci,
Vincent Van Gogh, Lao Tzu, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., George

P a g e | 1127

Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Confucius, Sigmund Freud, Ken Wilber,

Martin Heidegger, Ludwig Wittgenstein, Ken Wilber, Friedrich Nietzsche,
the 14th Dalai Lama, Jean-Paul Sartre, Immanuel Kant, Jhonen Vasquez,
Walt Disney, Chuck Jones, John Lasseter, Edward Gorey, Tim Burton, The
Beatles, Trent Reznor, Matt Groening, Moby, Tex Avery, Steven Spielberg,
Norman Rockwell, Stanley Kubrick, David Deutsch, Isaac Asimov, Carl
Saigon, Robert M. Pirsig, Stephen Hawking, Ernest Hemingway, John
Steinbeck, Isaac Newton, Galileo Galilei, H.G. Wells, Jules Verne, Charles
Darwin, Thomas Edison, Richard Dawkins, Brian Greene, and Rene
Descartes. These people have allin my view, at leastchanged the world
in one form or another, both creatively and intellectually. Im not sure
whether to list Thomas J. Stanley or not, but I do believe he, in a way, is an
economic or financial genius. He verified that he was this by writing those
Millionaire books, such as The Millionaire Mind. No one great or rich
person became great or rich completely on their own. We all need to find
people who inspire us. I know of plenty who inspire me, and Ive listed
many of them in this paragraph.

There are certain things, which seem like polluted phenomena, but
nonetheless seem to make a lot of the world go round. They are money, sex,
and power. A lot of religion condemns these things, but they seem to make a
lot of the world function, regardless. Im not condoning an overwhelming
desire for money, sex, or power. Im just saying that in a way, they do help
the world function on a certain level, even if obsession over them is not
healthy. The thing is, in order for the human race to survive and thrive, it
first needs to reproduce, and sexual intercourse helps drive this. Without sex,
there can be no reproduction. And money, or the economy, plays an
important part in helping to provide a living for people. People have needed
money to eat and live for centuries.

One question: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Read some of my Economics notes and reread certain parts of the nonfiction
book. Ive been reading up a lot on business and the economy lately.

P a g e | 1128

Yeah, I guess I do have a certain amount of gusto in my writing. Ive worked

at this writing for a long time. Would assume that for pretty much any
writer, if they worked at their craft enough, would inevitably develop at least
a little bit of gusto in their voice, if they worked at it for long enough. Its
just a matter of having the perceptive ear and the observant energy.
Some people are going around, asking, Whats becoming of this world of
ours? I see the world in a pretty healthy state, and am optimistic about the
future. The reason for this is that people have been saying the world and
humanity in general are on the decline, but how much declining is actually
needed until the end actually happens? My guess is a hell of a lot more
than the amount, which has happened so far. I think we still have a long way
to go until the end. I think part of that paranoia, pessimism, and despair
has been spawned directly from the resentment and fear of our own
impermanence. Deep down, the vast majority of us realize that were not
going to be here on this earth forever, but I think since we subconsciously
acknowledge that, since our minds will often create their own obstacles (i.e.
unrest, anxiety, and stress), they tend to exaggerate, and over-dramatize, thus
misconstruing the underlying objective temporal reality. A lot of how well
were really doing depends on our specific state of mind. If our mind is at
peace, then chances are, were [the totality of our being is] at peace. If our
mind is feeling distress, chances are, were suffering with our
mindsspeaking of the intangible, isnt basically anything thats intangible
open to subjectivity?

Worked on the web design and WebQuest some yesterday, and I think that
as every day I spend working on doing web designno matter what Im
doing. No matter how insignificant the task isis a day Im spending
getting better at it. I have a lot left to learn about HTML programming, but
have already learned a significant amount. Like any skill, if you work on
something every day, even if only for a little bit, you cant help but get better
at it

Actually, when I was talking to Mom at Judys house, while we, Sarah, and
Jimmy were talking, Mom actually told me that she believe Ive actually
surpassed my own fathers computer skills, when it comes to things like
creating websites. She told me that Im able to do things in FrontPage and
Netscape Composer that Dad has not clue how to do. In a way, I suppose,

P a g e | 1129

I said, but then went on to remind her that Dad knows much more about the
main things that go with working a computer, such as Windows and
Microsoft Photo Editor. What I do know is Microsoft Word, Netscape
Composer, FrontPage, Paint Shop Pro 7, and Fireworks 4. Dad knows pretty
much everything else. I would however like to learn about such programs as
Photoshop, Microsoft Excel, Corel Draw, WinZip, Power DVD, Easy CD
Creator, Microsoft Outlook, MS DOS Prompt, and Norton SystemWorks,
and the Maya computer animation program.

Today, I read a lot of notes. The ones Ive read so far today have been
Economics, Copyright information, creating 3-D effects on the Maya
computer program, and the painting notes from Fundamental of Color. Now,
I still have to work on WebQuest, but Id like to write some first, so that I
can read later tonight

The elasticity of demand is a pretty interesting topic. I didnt know about it

yesterday. Also, a lower price combined with a large supply of the product
will create more demand for it. For economists, this is basic stuff for
beginners, but to me, hearing it now is very informative. Im hoping reading
those notes over a certain number of time will increase my business
knowledge. Its important to know how to get a product to sell if you work
in the business. If a certain person provides a product for the general public
which people cannot find elsewhere for similar price, than that creates a
monopoly. And if theres only one store in a large geographic radius, which
is the only store that provides a particular type of service, then that becomes
whats known as a geographical monopoly. But if you have product to sell,
that no one else or not many other people offer, you stand a good chance of
making larger profit than you would if there was a lot of competition in your
field.

Was reading an article about Frank McCourt, and it gave some interesting
information about his work and his life. Hes 71 years old, I believe, and is
currently working on a third memoir. Aside from that, it gave information
about Angelas Ashes, that I believe verified my suspicions about the book.
It won Frank the Pulitzer Prize, has sold more than 4 million copies, but then
came the part I didnt know. Its been translated into 20 languages. McCourt

P a g e | 1130

has ended up becoming one of the greatest literary sensations in recent years,
and with it has happened rightly so. Im still reading Tis, and its a great
book. That book and Dave Eggerss Memoir are both great. These two
people are certainly two of my biggest creative and literary inspirations as a
writer, but not because Im planning on writing a memoir, because Im not.
My life is not that eventful, and by lifestyles standards, its actually quite
normal.

Guess one of the positive aspects of my life is that Im 18 years old and Im
a person who has a direction, rather than being confused about how to get
one. I sought my lifes direction out myself, and it seems to be working out
pretty well for me so far.

So far, in the last three days, according to the word count program on this
word processor, Ive written over 5,000 words in three days, which is pretty
good.

Worked on the WebQuest some more. Feeling really great. Dads home
from work now, and I got to show him some of my website backgrounds that
I got from www.freebackgrounds.com.

Its tough to come up with creative ideas on the spot, every day. You kind of
need to take a break every once in a while.

Since Ive gotten everything done that I was planning on doing, perhaps Ill
draw tonight. It wouldnt hurt.

10:11 p.m.: Just finished watching the movie. Im about ready to go to bed. I
really, really enjoy watching those DVDs. Id really like to watch my Akira
and Ghost in the Shell DVDs once again. Both of those arent something Id
really consider good old-fashioned popcorn movies like I would Shrek, but
theyre both extremely pretty and brilliant in their way the animation is

P a g e | 1131

executed. Both have a kind of visual psychological element to them, a kind

of eloquent intensity that anime is sometimes able to pull off very well.
Got home from school, and my mind is blank, but thats not new. No ones
home right now.

One of my classmates, Josue [pronounced ho-swaye], Puerto Rican who tells

a lot of hilarious jokes and always cracks me and other kids in the school up,
wore a nearly all-black Bad Religion tee shirt to school today. It was for the
band, and had a picture of a crucifix with a red No doing such-and-such
sign over it and going through it. Mrs. Brannan made him turn the tee shirt
inside out, so other students wouldnt be able to see it. I think the kids
actually thought it was cool, rather than offensive. I thought it was kind of
neat myself, actually. And I thought he was supposed to be a Catholic of
something of that nature. Actually, I dont know. Never asked him, but he
doesnt really seem like a religious person to me. Im not a Catholic,
Christian or anything of that sort, but the philosophy behind those theologies
does fascinate me somewhat.

I think Ill go read now.

Was reading some. Got to read up on more business information. The rest of
the Economics notes, and started rereading parts of my book today, in both
class and at home. Im getting a strong feeling that Ill be going back to
drawing soon. One of the positive things to come out of today, aside from
my new knowledge about economics, was the fact that I got to write another
essay in class today. It felt good to get back into it.

This is bad, I feel like Im running out of new things to write about, like I
should either think of something relatively new to say, or get back to the
drawing Ive been neglecting.

Theres one thing thats irrefutable, and that I know for sure, but at the same
time cannot specify. That is that Im going to try my hardest to find a

P a g e | 1132

vocation, and that whichever vocation I decide upon as my main career

choice will be in a creative field. It may be art. It may be writing. It may be
both. I cant be to sure, and I dont think I want to be sure right now either.
One other thing I know for certain is that whatever vocation I find out Im
good at and decide to do for the majority of my life will be something I
know Ill work very, very hard at. I work really hard at this journal, but you
cant make a living writing journals. I can make a living writing articles and
novels though, and through doing traditional and digital animation. Havent
talked much about the art lately. Basically, when youre deciding your
vocation, if you want the career you spend your life doing to be
economically healthy, you need to pick something to specialize in, find your
niche, so that in a way, you create your own sort of mini-monopoly, and the
revenues of your work increase. If youre able to offer something that has
not yet and is not currently provided by other individuals and other
corporations. Thats what will gain the customers and general publics
interest. If you have some extra money, then you can worry about things like
stock options, CDs, and net worth.

It seems like a popular college major amongst young people is web design. I
dont know about having it as a college major, but I learned quite a bit about
web design just by surfing the Internet, looking at online tutorials, and doing
the classes for Florida Virtual School. I dont think Id ever want something
like web design to be my college major though. There are so many more
lucrative careers I could go into. I guess thats why Im interested in art,
illustration, comic books, and traditional and digital animation, used for both
feature films and videogames. Those have been enormously prosperous
entertainment industries, which have gotten a lot of media attention lately.
Games like Max Payne, Half-Life, the Quake series, Final Fantasy X, and
Grand Theft Auto 3 have made a very large amount of revenue, and digitally
animated feature films have made up a decent amount of the top grossing
films in recent years, and that includes the top grossing films of all time, and
this includes the more successful ones, such as Ice Age (Currently the most
recent), Shrek, Toy Story 2, Toy Story, Titanic, and Star Wars: Episode I,
Monsters Inc, Men In Black, Lord of The Rings, and Harry Potter and The
Sorcerers Stone. And one of the best things is that these films, for the most
part, seem to be genuine critic as well as audience pleasers. People seem to
be really interested and fascinated in this new medium of filmmaking. Now
those. Those seem like genuinely prosperous vocations, if you know what
youre doing at your job. Steven Spielberg made a very wise decision when

P a g e | 1133

he started Dreamworks with Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen. Disney is

suffering right now, due to the publics exposure to its obvious overcommercial and greedy capitalism and a product that doesnt measure up to
what the company used to offer, which apparently dont make for a very
good mix. Disneys arrogance is pretty mind boggling, though. This slump
may go away and it may not. The only thing saving it right now seems to be
its television channels, theme parks, its direct-to-video releases, and of
course the obvious driving force and sub-company, Pixar.

Im absolutely shocked at how much money some entertainment companies

make, such as Warner Brothers, Disney, Marvel, and Random House. I cant
fathom how much the presidents of those companies make year after year.
More than the creative staffs ever will. Thats for sure. Thats one reason not
to get hired by the Disney Corporation, because they wont give you a
decent share of the revenue. They keep most of it for guys like Michael
Eisner. The most Disney will give you is some free merchandise items and
maybe stock options. They wont give you royalties, and probably wont,
even to people like John Lasseter, but I could be wrong on that one. He
might be getting a percentage cut in the Pixar Company, because he helped
create it, but I doubt it. The reason why publishing rules and the majority of
mainstream electronic media sucks is because if you go into publishing, if
you create an idea, unless youre working on a licensed character, you get to
retain 100% copyright over the characters and all the products involving
them, as well as a hefty percentage of the royalties, based on how well you
creative property does economically. So if youre of the JK Rowling or
George Lucas caliber, youre a billionaire, but there are a very small amount
of those in any industry, and a very large amount of people in this world
who are not that fortunate or powerful. A lot of people want to be at that
level, but very few are smart enough, creative enough, tenacious enough,
and pragmatic enough to find out for him or her self or even figure out how
to get to that level. The majority of people dont know how one reaches that
level, because if they did, everyone would be at that level. I think Im
starting to get an idea of how, though, and thats why Im so excited about
my future, because I strongly believe I have a chance of competing in the
market. Im tenacious, I dont let critics get to me, I get along with people,
am working on selling my idea, and I work really hard at my fields. I think I
might have what it takes, but Im sure theres a lot more to it than I already
know yet. Maybe some of my classmates dont like me, such as Tim,
because theyre envious that I can outperform them and Im more well

P a g e | 1134

rounded. The more successful you get, the more people there are out there
that will become envious of you and your success. And the more people
there will be who basically want to be you.

I think the most Im hoping for is to either get a 30K-a-year job as a digital
animator of some sort, or to write a novel that perhaps, at the most, were to
make a small categorical list of some kind in some small magazine, so at
least it could maybe become an insignificant categorical mini-bestseller, that
wouldnt make me enough to buy a Jaguar, Mercedes Benz, BMW, or Rolls
Royce, but would at least provide me with enough to not have to worry
about eating and maybe be able to take care of Mom, Dad, and Andy. Im
hoping to make OK money not for myself primarily, but for the people and
causes I care about. I care more about making money for those reasons than
I do about making a gratuitous profit for myself. That would be useless and
selfish, and I am not for that. I want to help other people. Im already plenty
happy and already have a lot of peace from within, especially in the last two
days.

Since Im hoping to make enough to live off oflike the other hundreds of
millions of people in this countryIm trying as hard as I can to find the
most sensible, pragmatic, and reliable way to accumulate that economic
gain. So Im taking the steps I have a gut feeling will help me. Things such
as reading The Idiots Guide to Getting Published, writing often, reading The
Millionaire Mind, finding out my potential vocations and what Im good at,
trying to work as hard as my classmates at school, owning a savings account
of a little over $3,000, studying the entertainment market and mainstream
entertainment, figuring out how to find an agent (through the Writers
Market), reading up on and studying economics, stocks, and business, taking
a high school online web design class, and going off to my second-choice
college (art school) I was able to get accepted at, with much thanks due to
my x-teacher Phil and attending it right after Im done with high school, in
hopes of being able to learn a goddam trade for once in my life. I have no
idea what the heck else I can do, so I guess, for now, I probably have enough
right here in front of me, so Ill just have to utilize my resources.

P a g e | 1135

My line of work is so weird. I think a while back, I was considering trying to

be one of those underground comic book artists or cartoonists, but then I
began to think theres too much of a chance I could go poor and miserable
doing that, so lately, Ive set my sights on some things that are a bit more
commercial, where theres a better chance of getting an economic return. So
recently, Ive focused my attention on such careers as business, filmmaking,
web design, writing literary books and articles, art illustration, videogame
design, and digital animation for electronic media like film, television, and
the Internet, but especially film. Ive learned about things like HTML, free
enterprise, monopoly, vocation, primary and secondary colors, Photoshop,
and the Maya 3-D animation program. Aside from that, Ive been working
hard at school, (just recently) Ive begun taking a painting class, and writing
in this journal constantlyWhen I think about it, sure Id like to be one of
those international superstar artists, like Yoshitaka Amano or Jamie Hewlett,
but Ive decided its a wise idea to not expect to achieve that kind of creative
status, as to keep one from being let down, because more than likely thats
what will happen. It wont happen. You wont achieve that status. Never
mind that though. You can still make a living anyway.

I feel better. Got to get some drawing done once again. Finally. About
fucking time. I also went to the Animation World Network website, and read
an article about animators for the feature films in Japan, from inside the
studio that produced such masterpieces as Ghost In The Shell. The really
bizarre thing is that for the amount of quality they put into those films, the
animators for those films only make salaries from $15,000 to $30,000.
Thats practically the equivalent of minimum wage in the American
animated feature film industry. And the offices there are quiet too, from
what I read in the article. It kind of seems tough to believe that the geniuses
that got to work on Ghost In The Shell made no more than the graduates
right out of the Art Institute.

I just know I want to have one day in the future where I spend the whole day
lying in bed, sleeping. If I ever get rich, or have a long vacation from school
or work, Ill be sure to do that. I might get bored doing that though.

P a g e | 1136

Right now, I realize I write better than I draw, but that doesnt matter. All
that matters for today is that I went back to drawing. Right now its just
good to be here at this computer with my CDs. With my albums of Green
Day and Radiohead and Linkin Park. And my Gorillaz and Matchbox
Twenty.
Had my second painting class today. Suppose it could have gone better and
it could have gone a lot worse. Im not really in much of a mood to write
today, so I probably wont do it that much. Ill just say that Im glad to be
home, while I still have the chance. Pretty soon my home will be in a dorm.
Yesterday I was feeling so happy. Today, I dont feel so hot. Dont know
why. Its almost as if Im losing interest in comic books in general. I havent
found too many titles lately that have interested me all that much. Im
mostly reading the same old titles, and have not picked up a new oneor a
new book, for that matterin months. Ive been so busy working on my
work, writing essays, doing schoolwork, painting in class, reading books,
watching DVDs, writing in this journal, listening to CDs. I guess I know Im
innovative in some areas, and thats kind of what bugs me, like I want to
share this information with other people, but its like I dont know how. Im
such a bad communicator at times. Right now I just want to sleep.

Ive seen some of the artwork of advanced placement high school art
students in a flyer on the Art Systems store window, and I didnt see
anything that really impressed or inspired me. Mom and I kind of agreed that
I could draw as good as, and probably better, then any of the artists whose
work got displayed on that flyer. I dont know why I should be feeling
down. Im improving in painting, and I won that Whos Who of American
High School Students award, I can now pretty much design my own website,
my social skills are improving, I just went back to drawing yesterday, Ive
gotten accepted at an art school in Fort Lauderdale, a beach city for God
sakes, Ive learned how to better deal with my anxiety, I can actually drive
comfortably in a car now without too much help, Im getting closer to
finding a very profitable vocation, Ive learned a lot about copyright and the
economy. Again, why should I complain? Theres not much of a reason to.
As a matter of fact, I think Im feeling better already. I also have plenty of
new ideas for stories, which I have not really completely developed yet.
Maybe I feel lonely or something. I guess the grass is always greener on the
other side. Perhaps I could even win the Nobel Peace Prize and receive a
million dollar check tomorrow and Id still feel like shit. Wouldnt that suck.

P a g e | 1137

I think if I can get to a point at school where if I can do my Reading

Comprehension assignment and English Literature assignment proficiently
and easilyif I just swallow my pride and ignore my feelings of not wanting
to do those assignmentsthen for Ill have a much easier time finishing all
my work for this week. Theres also the Algebra, but I think the Reading
Comp will take me the longest. I guess the thing is that I dont want my
schoolwork to be too easy, so that Im not challenged. But I also dont want
it to be so hard that I wont be able to get any of the questions right.

I dont know if Im an interesting or charismatic person, but I certainly

do have some interesting stories to tell, like about my drawing classes, my
college submissions experience, the drives in the car with mom, and I
suppose, if Im feeling egocentric, the achievements, but I try to avoid that
last part. I dont like to brag or gloat about my achievement, except
sometimes in this journal, when I need a boost of self-confidence. If you
spend a day with me, youd better be prepared for a roller coaster, because
my mind is all over the place, and I myself am all over the place. I was
trying to sleep in my bed at 8:00 p.m. about forty minutes ago, and I dont
know why the hell this is, but now Im at the word processor once again,
feeding this writing habit, or shall I say predilection.

I wonder about creativity sometimes. I wonder, Where do these words that

were once in my mind but now on the page come from. Truth be known, I
dont know, I just put the fucking stuff down on paper. Even though Ive
gotten a lot more experience with it, the creative process is still very
mysterious to me. I kind of comes and goes from what seems like
nothingness. Some people arent able to do the shit I do, or do it in the same
way that I do it, and I realize that. My artwork has a certain look to it, even if
it gets transformed constantly, and my words have a certain energy, a certain
voice, and a certain rhythm to them, Ive gotten much better at grammar,
rhythm, and recurrence lately, and Im glad for it. Thank God I dont listen
to my critics when it comes to the important stuff. I am partially distanced
from the Shrek DVD that I own or one of my Diet Pepsi cans, so I think just
knowing that means that Im not functioning at 100% optimal efficiency. I
need my life juice [Pepsi, a.k.a. caffeine] and I need my life visual escapism
[Shrek DVD]. Im like a robot or living computer. I need certain doohickeys
and certain mechanisms to function. Perhaps this journal and the painting

P a g e | 1138

class are two of those things. One of those mechanisms used to be books on
philosophy and Jhonen Vasquez comic books. The tastes are ah changin.

A couple days ago, I was reading some passages out of that T.S. Eliot book
of poems, and what can I say? The book is filled to the brim with literary
brilliance. Eliot was a pioneer and visionary, especially for the time he lived
in. I very much admire his rhythm. He writes lyrical rhymes that sing and
exemplify the linguistic equivalent to a beautiful female voice on the page.
Not that T.S. Eliot himself is in any way feminine. What I mean is that his
poetry obviously reflects an optimistic, spiritual and tender heart and soul,
full of love and affection. Did it deserve the Nobel?Absolutely it did. I
think nearly every great, prolific, or respected writer has been influenced by,
studied, or at least read T.S. Eliot at one point in his or her life. Aside from
Jean-Paul Sartre, Akira Kurosawa, Hiroaki Samura, Tim Burton, Ken
Wilber, a lot of writings on business or economics, and William Strunk, T.S.
Eliot has been one of my biggest creative influenced recently. Im having a
suspicion that Norman Rockwells workdue to my current starting of
learning to paintwill have a definite and distinct influence on my painting
in the future. Cant tell how soon though.

Got to go to a dentists appointment after school today, and they told me I

have perfect teeth, but my dentist gave me advice about brushing my teeth. It
was the Once a day, three minutes a day, near the gums, with a jiggling
tooth brush rule. Not a bad piece of advice. He also warned me about
drinking soft drinks with sugar in them, even though he didnt know I
averaged a soda consumption amount of 2 to 5 Diet Pepsi cans per day [25/day] which is anywhere from 14 to 35 Diet Pepsi cans per week, which
amounts to a whole lot of soda for an entire year. I dont know the exact
numbers. My teeth are a very weird phenomenon. I drink a couple cans of
Diet Pepsi nearly everyday, and Pepsi products are known by many to rot
your teeth. Yet I go to the dentists office today, and their telling me my
teeth are perfect, give or take some plaque near the gums, but still perfect,
and I have no cavities, have had not a single cavity for the eighteen years
Ive been alive so far. At first my mother and I were dumbfounded at how
my teeth are not rotting yet. Then we figured out it was the constant drinking
of water from water bottles that has saved my teeth from rotting and getting
cavities. My dentist recommended that whenever I have a can of soda, I
always rinse afterwards.

P a g e | 1139

Also, went to and left the dentists office today, thinking about business,
stocks, and how to invest in them. Im thinking two lucrative stock
companies could be for liquid band aides (Innovative and revolutionary
product, that does not have much competition) and car companies (A lot of
people buy cars every year, and they cost a lot to buy, so how could the
companies lose and enormous amount of money). Im thinking about writing
all my business and financial notes and ideas down on paper in words, so
that perhaps I can gets some good ideas and see some opportunities others
may not see. I also want to write down possible business areas and
companies to possibly invest in. Ive decided that the rule for my lifestyle
will be that if I make a lot of money, I will also invest and donate a lot of
money, to even out my finances, as to not feel too selfish. I might put 2% of
my income into stocks, CDs, and mutual funds I think show promise. And I
may possibly give 5% to 10% of my income to various charities and causes,
such as the Free Tibet Campaign and also to my familys well being,
including their expenses and retiring. So if at any time I make more than
$100,000 or $1 million in a single year, these income subtraction
percentages will make more sense. Also, all that fighting in Jerusalem,
between the Muslims and Jews, is quite upsetting. Its very difficult to figure
out whether or not the US should interfere with their affairs or not. Wheres
Colin Powell when you need him? He might make a good president, and the
bonus is that he might help increase racial equality, because he is black but
does not fit any of the popular and negative African-American stereotypes
out there. When you look at him, you dont see a black guy or a white guy or
anything like that. You see someone who is decisive and knows how to lead
the strongest military in the world.

I guess in a way, I dont really have an objective to be either mainstream or

indie. My work is what it is. Im not worried about snobby and pretentious
artistic standards I must live up to, or capitalism, merchandising,
franchising, and the bottom line, because whats the point of caring or
obsessing too much about one fucking thing or the other? Its fucking
pointless. I just want to make something that has substance, satisfies and
audience, and is entertaining. Theres no label for that kind of entertainment,
and you cant put a specific retail price on it either. It simply is what it is. It
doesnt pander to a specific category. Sometimes youll find it in indie

P a g e | 1140

entertainment, and sometimes it lurks in the mainstream market. How can

you have the nerve to call someone a sellout for thinking this way?

I think a while ago, Ive decided that I have the tenacity to succeed. Im
determined to find some kind of an opportunity, and then use whatever it is
for all I can. I have a strong desire to achieve my goals and succeed at
whatever the cost and risk is. Sure the fear of failure has always been lurking
near the space my being occupies, but thats part of the mystery and fun of
it. My potential careers promise me nothing enormous, although they do
offer the possibility, and thats the only thing I really need. I believe in
myself and know I have at least some of the ability to succeed, so Im
figuring what the hell, may as well give it a try. Right now I have no money
and no job, but I have faith that the future may very well bring great things.
At times I ask, why me? Why should I be able to succeed when so many
people fail? I am now countering that question with, why not me? Im no
different than anyone else, and no less deserving. Im willing to work for my
desired goals. And then I realize I have two little things called talent or
ability, and tenacity.

Watching TV now, and there doesnt seem to be anything good on except

Frasier, music videos, cartoons, and news programs. Whatever happened to
the really good sitcoms, that you would really want to take a lot of time out
of your day to watch? Good shows like Family Matters, Full House, Step By
Step, The Simpsons (when it was good), and Empty Nest. Those shows were
not only good, but also had some of the best theme songs. When I think of a
television show theme song, I think of those shows, and all their lovable
characters.

P a g e | 1141

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 67

P a g e | 1142

April 2002

Its tough to comprehend that Ill be graduating high school in less than
thirty days.

Ive been fascinated by stocks today as well as yesterday.

Now that I think about it, Im glad I wont be in high school anymore. High
school and middle school, for kids like myself, are some of the worst times
to be alive, because of the bullying you get from your peers. When I was in
middle school, I was quiet, antisocial, sensitive, and shy. In the hallways, I
would walk with my head down, so basically I was an easy target for the
jerks out there. I got looked at, made fun of, and called names. The usual
shit, but somehow I now have the self-confidence I do, but only from about
three or so years of recovery and going to a better school to be at than the
high school I was going to in my freshman year. Now I can write to my
hearts content about love, affection, kindness and jacking off in my room,
thinking about women Id like to have sex with and theres no one around
anymore to yell names at me and utter the word faggot in some crowded
hallway, partially camouflaged by all the noise caused by crowds moving
around. Or laugh at my sweatpants or tee shirt. Or my hair or freckles. But
with the passing of that challenge, now enters completely new challenges.
Ascension into adulthood, the entertainment industry, vocational rehab,
finding a career vocation, art school, religion, money, driving, this weight,
and trying to learn how to paint with partial colorblindness or color
deficiency. Ive got to talk to many great people along the way so far, such
as Mrs. Toner, my parents, Mrs. Brannan, Phil Ferretti and his family,
Stephen Hill, John Hall, John Lasseter, Tamara Lawyer, Jo Ann Cooke,
Doctor Quinones, my parents families and friends, the Hesses, Todd
McFarlane, and Jamie S. Rich.

P a g e | 1143

Its 6:10 p.m. Six in the evening is such a great time to be alive in the day. I
cherish every moment I spend living, and cherish every moment I get to
have an interaction with someone, even if I make mistakes. Even my bad
experiences are a chance to gain experience and learn about life.
In school today, we had Chinese food, and of course there were fortune
cookies. I got one. This time, my fortune cookie said this: You will be
rewarded for being a good listener. I just thought Id write that down. I
dont know what that means, but hopefully it means something. Something
significant. I have been trying to listen to other people better than I have in
the past. I dont know if that fortune cookie is supposed to apply to my
college education or my career. The weird thing is that Chinese fortune
cookies and horoscopes are actually sometimes pretty accurate. Not all the
time, but a decent amount of the time they are.

I think one can still make good yearly revenue with treating people well and
good ethical standards. As for the stock market, I keep looking at the stock
market and Im not seeing a dangerous battlefield like Im sure many people
do. Im seeing endless potential for tons and tons of business, both big and
small. Sure theres risk, but a person usually only gets somewhere
economically in this world if they take a smart risk at least once. You can
take smart risks by studying the market youre interested in entering.

Two great shows Im currently watching are Samurai Jack and The Biz on
CNNFN (CNN Financial Network). I also saw this great new band on
MTV2 thats produced by Virgin Records. Their name is MOTH, and Im
hoping to see more of this band.

Personally, I think that since Im partially colorblind, if I ever completely

learn how to paint, I believe that would be quite an achievement. Im not one
to brag, but I think I should at least be able to appreciate my various
achievements of significance.

P a g e | 1144

Right now, Im seeing the world through fogged lenses, so therefore, any
integral and objective clarity is uncertain. How can one see truth, when one
cannot even see the world with clear vision? Just wondering. Also, how do
you feel complete compassion when theres no one around you? You cant,
unless its through mental visualization.
Bullies have to upgrade their vocabularies every couple decades or so. When
the words they were using turned out to not be offensive, aggressive, and
irreverent enough, they had to upgrade their ignorant vocabularies to new
terms. Homosexuality seems to be a popular insult label with youth during
these recent times. Maybe September 11th will somehow change the societal,
cultural, and economical landscape of America, but we may not see it until a
couple years down the road, at least.

I think one of the most profitable businesses of last year and the beginning
of this year has to have been JetBlue, the two-year-old airline. JetBlue stocks
have just opened up, and have gone soaring, and theyve made a record high
for the stock market out of all the stocks of the last year. After one year, the
JetBlue Corporation has earned $320.4 million in revenue. And unless
theres another airplane tragedy of some kind, I cant really picture JetBlue
losing a whole lot of money either. If I were an employee for that company,
Id get my ass to the stock market and invest in some of the companies
stocks for a while. I dont know if this is Microsoft level, but in the future, a
couple years down the road, I dont see why it shouldnt end up that way.
The reason the company is making so damn much money is because theyre
under-pricing their customers and taking an enormous risk by spending so
much money on airliner luxuries, which is a brilliant economic move. A
good example of business entrepreneurs who took risks and it paid off. I
think all this fascination with business ventures of others and the economy
has to have been due to my rereading of that Thomas J. Stanley nonfiction
book, The Millionaire Mind. And if the book had anything to do with my
awareness of and interest increasing this much focus on the American
economy, I ought to keep rereading that book until I know its information by
heart. It may be very useful in the future. I usually dont trust get rich
quick books, but this one, to me, seems to be an exception. It seems
reasonable and well thought out, like the author is not only out for his own
economic gain. The thing that proves this is the fact thatin the last page of
the bookhe lists his post office address for people to write to and ask him
for advicealthough Im sure chances are hed never respond, due to the

P a g e | 1145

thousands of letters he probably gets each weekI know Thomas J. Stanley

is the true innovator, because there are tons and tons of lame ass so-called
business books on the market, which do nothing more than rip off Thomas
J. Stanleys innovative economical theories and his ideas, and are just trying
to make a fast buck off of people who want to become rich, by copying his
vocabulary. Yes, there is some bullshit in The Millionaire Mind, like the
chapter that focuses on faith-based millionaires, when the elements of strong
religious faith and praying are clearly listed at the bottom of major factors
the majority of millionaires use to contributed to their success, but he writes
a whole section on that, as if it were a higher ranked percentage statistical
element, which it is not. Pretty much everything else is good. One thing that
I noticed is that Stanley seems to discount the fact that you dont need God
or The Lord to become wealthy in your lifetime, as long as you have a faith
in something else, such as your own ability and potential to work harder than
everyone else, read up on the economy, and business ventures (as well as
finding a niche, vocation, specializing, opportunity, tenacity and stock
market) and accumulate wealth.

Starting to get tired. I think Ill go to bed soon. I have a long life ahead of
me, and I need enough sleep in order to face it. I think this new medication
is working wonderfully, and beyond my expectations. I dont think Ive ever
felt this functional in quite some time.

There are many amazing things about being a human being. For one thing, a
thing thats amazing about living as a human is that when were born, we
have no choice over what our physical characteristics are. Were not able to
choose how smart we are, how creative we are, our skin color, or our sexual
orientation. And yet, people are still discriminated against according to a
basis that goes solely according to these things. It is kind of unbelievable.

Better get back to reading my Economics notes and The Millionaire Mind. I
love getting educated about stuff I love to learn about. Also, I read an article
today that I printed out from the Animation World Network website (a very
useful resource for people interested in entering the animation industry),
about how to become an animation producer. I think the most useful
information in the article, aside from advice about what qualifications you

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need for the job, was telling what an animation producer actually does for a
living. Aside from helpingalong with the studios finance department
pay for the various animation projects, the producer or executive producer
basically supervises the project, both analytically and creatively, and
basically keep everything going together, in sync with everything else. A
producer needs to have good people skills of some kind, and a fairly
sufficient knowledge of the arts. Chances are, one does not start out working
in animation as a producer, unless theyre lucky. You have to work your way
up to that position, using people skills and networking through people who
work in the industry. Not everyone starts out having contacts to network.
Many gather connections and associates over time. Most people get into the
entertainment industry by knowing somebody with connections, and this is
done by doing research and learning where to submit work and projects
pitches to, which can be found through magazines, books, and the Internet.
The only reason I was able to exchange emails with Jamie S. Rich of Oni
Press Publishing was through the Internet, by accidentally finding his email
address listed next to his posting member name on the Brian Michael Bendis
(jinxworld.com) official message board, because Jamie has been known to
post on there a lot. And through this contact, I was able to find out exactly
what his job activities were as editor in chief, and advice for attempting to
get published by Oni Press (attending comic book conventions and making
the face time, as he called it). It also helps to have a professional attitude
about yourself, your work, and the people you want to work for. Not
everyone can be a sloppy ass rock star, like Billy Joe Armstrong or Ozzy
Osbourne, who manage to make millions, despite acting like total loonies,
derelicts, and bums. If youre planning on running business aspects and not
just being a creative talent who gets the attention, then it helps to at least be
semi-professional. You dont have to wear a business suit, like an
automobile or tire company executive, but you should at least know how to
talk to people and be able to sell whatever dream you want made into a
reality. After all, not all millionaires wear business suits, are Christian, and
play golf. These may be the stereotypes, but they are not always the truth.

Ive been thinking about the comic book industry. As far as financial
planning goes, for my career, Im certainly not planning on making the most
money through working in the comic book industry. That pays a lot less well
than a high-ranking animation job, a film job, or a career as an author. I
think the weird thing is that from all the things Im considering doing in the
future as jobs, in all actuality, I could be doing no more than one of the

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things I want to do for a living, and probably still be able to make a living on
that profession alone. Like I could do nothing but draw character designs for
a TV show and nothing else, and Id still be able to pay for my own place to
live and afford to pay all my grocery billsand possibly put money in
financial investments. But I guess Ive recently decided that Im not the type
of person who only wants to do one thing, work in one line of work, have
only one style, and/or only work in one medium. I view that as boring. I
could probably spend an entire lifetime doing only one of the mediums Im
interested in, but if Im able to have my way, I wont do that. I like doing a
lot of different stuff, and I like having a lot of options. I have too many
different forms of ideas to be confined to one medium, if thats possible.

Every different aspect of things has advantages and setbacks. Im talking

about motion, sound, color, story, composition, ambiance, topics, and
vocabulary, among other things. Every medium of storytelling has its
drawbacks and advantages. The main setback to doing all different kinds of
work with different styles is this: You have to have a lot more energy, work
a lot harder, and put in a lot more hours than you would if you only did one
thing all the time. I think the positives to this outweigh the negatives,
though. I dont work as hard as some other people who do the same thing I
do, but Im working on my labor stamina, and I compensate for that
insufficiency with enthusiasm for whatever I dedicated myself to doing or
learning. Right now the thing Im dedicated to is learning business, revenue,
and the economy. I think a couple days ago, it was web design, which is still
in the back of my mind.

Just worked on the web design some. Before I did that, Stephen Hill called
and wanted to come over, but I had to tell him some other time, due to the
fact that Im determined to finish this web design thing. Maybe Im making
a mistake here, but I think I have just cause.

I cant think of anything to write about now.

Was just looking at various pieces of artwork on the Internet, and there seem
to be quite a few people who can draw an awful lot better than I can. Well,

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better than I can draw as of now, because I am a bit rusty. I wont get
discouraged though, because I know after I put the hours in, and probably
after art school, at one point, I think Ill be able to reach that level. Ive just
started learning how to paint, and my painting are pretty crappy, but I know
Ill get better the more I do it. I know Im not the most skilled artist in the
world, but I do know that I have the creativity and I have the potential to
work hard. I should also realize that just because Ive been accepted at an art
school does not mean that I should stop practicing constantly. As a matter of
fact, it probably means I should be practicing harder. I think the problem is
that Im getting discouraged about my art right now because Ive just seen
some brilliant drawings from other artists on the Internet, and since I havent
looked at my own best drawings or even drawn in a while, seeing those
drawings makes me feel like I cant draw, when if fact, I can. The only
reason I feel less confident about my art now is because Im currently
struggling somewhat in my painting class, and Ive been devoting so much
effort and time to this journal, web design and programming, lessening my
anxiety, schoolwork, business, and economics. If I were spending as much
time at my drawing lately, Id probably have a fair amount more confidence.

Jeez. What a crazy day today has been. I wont go into many details because
I dont have enough time, but as for me and what I did today, I slept for what
seemed like half the day, and I finished both the WebQuest Best-selling
authors website and the WebQuest outline, so today has been productive,
but its also been unsettling. Despite how weird my brother and parents were
acting, it still felt like a nice refreshing Sunday, so Im not complaining. I
didnt hear a lot of Mom, Dad, and Andrews screaming at each other, so I
feel very fortunate. Ive got to sleep half the day more often if it makes me
feel this good at 9:50 at night more often. I mean sure I didnt have much
time to write in this journal, but it was worth it.

Theres something about sleeping on a late Sunday afternoon that I love, and
should do more often. I like sleeping on Sunday afternoons, in the shower, in
the early morning, and on a Saturday evening. Any day at any time is good,
but those are the times that stick out the most. The times when I can
appreciate the sleep the most.

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Yes! Today has to have been one of my best schoolwork days ever. I got all
my assignments complete in class today at Center Academy. And Im pretty
sure I just finished all my modules and assignments therein in my web
design class. So theres a good chance Im now completely finished in my
web design class. Now that thats out of the way, I can focus a lot more
energy on drawing and writing.
Earlier today, after I got home from school, I started looking through the
black file cabinet in Mom and Dads room for some empty manila folders to
use, but I forgot where Mom puts them so I started looking through the
drawers, and found something special and nostalgic. I found a bunch of
school papers Mom and Dad have kept from a long time ago. These were all
papers that I did primarily in elementary school and middle school. I was
looking through a pile that contained part of them, and it seems that I did
really well in my middle school history class at South Seminole. I did
extremely well on the Pictionary assignments, where I had to illustrate
words and their Dictionary definitions. I got As and A+s on nearly all of
those. A lot of those drawings made me laugh quite a bit when I saw them
today. They were primitive, but also very funny. My teachers loved when I
drew stuff, but I got a lot of bad grades on the assignments that were more
left-brained and academic. The creativity in my work at that age was
obvious though. Even my hard-nosed teachers and sarcastic classmates
could see that. I dont even remember half the stuff I learned in middle
school. Its a wonder that I actually graduated from a public middle school,
when it seems that all I really did was joke around with classmates,
daydream, stare off into space, and draw cartoons on notebook paper when I
was supposed to be paying attention to the teachers lecture. I didnt learn
one fucking substantial thing!Except maybe some names of foreign
countries, religious categories, and US presidents. And yet somehow, I
graduated from some gifted middle school classes, got and kept a job at a
supermarket for a little over two years at about $5.50 an hour, illustrated a
national and categorical best-selling psychotherapy book thats outsold
about 80% or 90% of the other books competing against it in the same
category, won a 2002 Whos Who Among American High School Students
award, impressed the editor in chief of one of the most successful indie
comic book publishers in the business, learned how to program and design
my own websites, and have been accepted at an art college in Fort
Lauderdale. I have learned one or a couple things over the course of my
adolescence, and its been neither academia nor social graces. Im still trying
to absorb those things. What I have learned has been how to draw, write,

P a g e | 1150

design, and be creative, and I may very well do those things until the day I
die. Ive also partially learned how to survive.

Now that Ive finished with the web design class, Im now kind of finding
myself asking, Now what do I do? Without the web design class, theres a
void there in my time. It feels like I have something missing in my life right
now, which is good and bad at the same time, because Im feeling very
excited also, knowing that Ill have all that extra time for the next couple
months before I must move off to college. I can probably spend the extra
time reading, drawing, web designing, and writing essays. I feel like Ive
written about everything there is in my life to write about. Im not sure what
else I can touch upon and not feel tautological, like Im simply rehashing the
same formula. I want to be an innovator. I dont want to simple imitate
myself simply to re-establish my old voice. Im constantly searching for a
new voice. And if I can make some kind of a creative career out of inventing
characters, tones, theories, and ideas, then I dont want to do the same thing
over and over, like so many of the new musicians out there today. I dont
feel like I have anything to be pissed off about.

Its really mind dizzying to attempt to contemplate how intangible

phenomena relate to one another. How time correlates with space. When one
thinks about it, what do time and space have to do with each other? Time
and space seem like two entirely different concepts, and somehow there are
perceived by many to exist simultaneously, within the same realm of being,
while both their temporal forms consist of nothing. The kind of form that
does not exist in the tangible realm is the hardest kind to observe and
measure. We kind of find ourselves asking the question, if this form is not
tangible, does it really exist at all, or is it just a concept? Is it a form that
exists only in our mind, or is it tangible because its change affects things that
are tangible, like a human body. A human body changes over time. As time
progresses, the body becomes weak and frail, and eventually stops
functioning. Now, if times intangible form did not exist, then how would its
progress not have caused the body to stop functioning? If the intangible form
(time) never affected the physiological totality of the body, then wouldnt
the body simply stay in the same state forever, thus making the person live
forever? If something is not affected by the phenomena, which is time, then
it does not change. It stagnates. The only way for a form to completely
stagnate is if it is never affected by the perpetual alterations of time, which is

P a g e | 1151

a feet, that in this universe, this cosmos, pragmatically speaking, is

physically impossible.

Id like to create something good that someone, somewhere considers good.

Im not sure what form it would take. It been anything, and its forms can
include a comic book, television show, film, novel, or something else
entirely. First though, I need an idea. Well, I already have plenty, but I need
a good idea that no ones thought of before. Id like to create a book thats as
original as A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Soul Mountain, or
Zen And The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but I think its okay to start off
at mediocre pop fiction level, just so long as I evolve into more sophisticated
and elaborate things. In my writing, Id like to make various references to
things that interest me, which include hip-hop, philosophy, the paranormal,
mysticism, various sects of youth culture, classic literature, the spiritual, and
eastern religion. All these things in a way inspire me. I wouldnt say that
hip-hop is a major inspiration to me creatively, but I do however enjoy some
hip-hop influenced songs and singers, like Mike Shinoda. And I do enjoy
some hip-hop groups, like Black Eyed Peas, Eminem, and The Beastie Boys.
Im hoping to mesh all my interests, theories, and fascinations into one
enormous amalgam, or several various ones.

Am beginning to think something. Im growing more and more convinced

that a person never really knows the world that exists before they were born
and the world which also exists after they die, because they are not part of
either one, and therefore theyre unable to witness them or even know these
or this world exists. We only know what were able to perceive, and what
were able to perceive is the world we live in now. Before and after our
perception and consciousness function is what does not exist to us.

I think a couple months ago, I was going through what I would call and
essay writing phase, where all I seemed to do or care about at the time was
writing essays on things that interested me. Now my essay creating output
ratio has decreased dramatically, but thats fine. Ive done other things to use
my time up with.

P a g e | 1152

One thing I find really reassuring is that if I leave this word processor right
now and dont touch another keyboard key or another Prismacolor pencil for
another week, Ill still have a place to stay, still have a house to sleep in,
even if it is my parents.
Also, my brother stole a lot of my videogames, and pawned them for money.
Am I mad? In a sense, yes. I think hes destroyed even more of his
credibility as a decent brother or family member. But in another way, I
havent played many videogames in a long time, and thankfully, lately I
havent really been very attached to those videogames at all. Money seems
to mean more than my brother to anything else, but if hes going to be like
that, thoughts have begun crossing the back of my mind, saying to me, Itll
be a cold day in hell before my brother gets any of the money I make in the
future, especially if I make a lot. He came into my room a night or two ago,
and told me that he did it when he was high, and in a certain sense, I hope
thats true, but part of me doubts it. Also, about a couple days ago, about
two, Mom and Dad got fed up with his bullThey felt the pawning of my
videogames was the last strawso they ended up selling his car. The red
Eclipse he owns. And its not just because they were mad about the incident.
Until the car was sold, they owed thousands of dollars in car insurance on
that Eclipse of Andrews, and he hadnt given Mom and Dad a car payment
in less than two years. Personally, Im glad they sold the thing, because that
bullshit Andy was pulling couldnt have gone on forever. Well, some of its
still going on, but at least that red Eclipse isnt here anymore. Now Andys
pretty much only allowed to use Moms old blue minivan, with the Dare and
Support Education license plates. Needless to say, Andrew was not happy
with their decision. After Andrew found out on Sunday about the Eclipse
being sold was when the verbal battle between my parents and 19-year-old
brother began. I was in my room, with my stereo playing various radio
stations rather loud and my Sony Discman blaring through the headphones
connected to my ears. I had the Sugar Ray Floored album on very loud,
while the stereo in my room was blaring at the same time. I needed to listen
to something heavy. Loud. Something that would hopefully entirelyor at
least almost entirelyblock out the noise coming from underneath my
bedroom door.

After it quieted down in the house, I kept on listening to the music in my

room. Believe it or not, the majority of Andrews noise was blocked out by
the music, so it still felt like a clear Sunday. Luminous, crisp, golden. It was

P a g e | 1153

a beautiful feeling. Despite the chaos and fighting, I was still able to
appreciate the day and keep peace of mind. Through chaos, I found beauty. I
stay on my bed for a couple hours afterwards, and fell asleep twice that day:
once in the mid afternoon, and once in the evening, about an hour before I
went to bed.
Anyway, thats the reason I didnt do much writing on Sunday of last week.
Despite the things that have happened, its still obvious that Im not the only
person with a tough life, and I still believe its important to have a definitive
sense of compassion in all circumstances, if possible. Andy got back some
of my videogames from the pawn shop yesterday, but he still hasnt gotten
back all of the ones he took, which is what Mom and Dad are currently on
him for.

Will probably go on to reading pretty soon, if nothing else comes to mind

that I can write about.

Today was pretty good. Slept some after my painting lesson, and yes, I did
go to a painting lesson today, which happened after school.

Been thinking about high school, and what a burden it is for some. Once you
graduate from high school, you can focus on a whole lot of much more
important things, such as college, hobbies, dating, drawing, driving, and
sleeping.

My painting class, Fundamentals of Color, went very well, despite my

crappy painting, my nervous composure in the class, and my ignorance
about oil painting, I still had a good time. I got to sit next to a cute girl, about
17, with blue shorts. We talked the whole lesson, while I made an idiot of
myself as she probably humored me, which was good, because she didnt
draw away. She seemed to like me too. I didnt get a chance to get her name
though. I felt uncomfortable a lot today, because I was feeling a little too
horny in my classes today. I didnt do my work as well as I could have,
because I was thinking about something else, unfortunately. I think Im
getting better at talking to women. I had two times to practice today. Once

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with the girl in my painting class, and another time at my high school class
with Lorelei. I cant ever recall being this interested in the opposite sex
before. It was like my intellectual and creative pursuits have been put on the
backburner for women hunting and sleeping at home, and in class. This is so
confusing..

Its tough to figure out what the recent obsession with sleep has been. It
seems to have currently replaced the drawing and the meditation for the time
being, but that wont last. In a way, it seems like sleeping is a meditation for
me. It probably has a lot to do with finishing the web design class, being
satisfied with the amount of essays Ive written, graduation high school
soon, and in a few months, going off to college. Actually, Im just kind of
glad that Im still able to elicit enough energy to use this word processor and
write in this journal. That seems to be the only thing sustaining me from
being totally lazy lately, even though I havent said much of substance in
these last couple entries, but at least Im keeping up the habit. Its weird. Its
like right now I feel more Catholic than Buddhist, or perhaps more Jewish.
But that doesnt mean that I believe in the Jesus theory or anthropocentric
God any more than I did. I guess I should not fear. Im probably just going
through a period of change. I just need to get back into the motion of what I
was doing, and keep at it. Im probably just sleeping a lot now because Ive
never really had the opportunity to do it this much before, and Ive always
wanted to. I should be glad that Im getting to sleep so much.

Was watching some TV tonight. I was watching the Biography show, on

A&E, and was also watching the Discovery Channel. Im very fascinated in
historic iconic figures recently that changed and revolutionized American
and world culture, from all over the world. My favorite was the J.C. Penney
biography on A&E, because of my recent interest in economics, stocks, and
business. Penney was a brilliant man, very frugal, very human, and
wonderfully determined. One of the most economically prolific
entrepreneurs of the last hundred years: the 1900s. J.C. Pennys has been
around for a hundred years or so, through the Great Depression, and is now a
multi-billion dollar corporation. If youre going to try to be a millionaire or
billionaire, like Bill Gates or J.C. Penney was, then its probably also
important to have moral and, for some, spiritual values. For two reasons: 1)
for in case you lose everything, which has been known to happen to some.
And 2) since youre that economically productive, youre going to need to

P a g e | 1155

be grounded somehow, to learn traits like humility, compassion,

benevolence, and kindness, which are important if you end up having that
type of power and influence. When you have that much, its important to be
responsible. Thats the only way people at that level got there in the first
place.
I also did a drawing earlier tonight, right before dinner. As a matter of fact, I
was sitting at the drawing table in my room, listening to this song by The
White Stripes, which I love, drawing a picture of another face, when Dad
called me to the kitchen for dinner, where we had hamburgers Dad cooked
right off the grill.

I think my faith in myself as an artist and a writer has just been completely
restored today, despite the frustrations in my first painting class. I think
people who know of my attempt to learn painting have a great respect for me
just for trying in the first place, and if this presumption is accurate, I find
that comforting, to say the least.

I did sleep some earlier today, after school. Now Im probably going to be
sleeping again fairly soon. I can feel my eyelids starting to grow weighted.

No school today, and its a bit past noon. I think I might draw some more
today, like I did yesterday. I think I ate a total of 5 Pop Tarts for breakfast
today. I should smack myself for that.

Sometimes, its confusing trying to define myself. Its like if Im not too
much of something, Im too little of something else. The list keeps
expanding. Parts of me could be classified as these things: Artist, writer,
philosopher, web designer, musician, student, family member, people
person, director or supervisor, photographer, actor, businessman, spiritual
practitioner, thinker, idea man, and designer. Ive been all of these things at
one time or another, even if just for a little bit.

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Im thinking about writing a love song from me to opium, for codeine. I

remember being injected with codeinewhich is an opium derivative
when I was having my wisdom teeth removed, and that felt very good. Give
me nothing but Advil, codeine, beer, Nyquil, bottled water, a vanilla
milkshake, coffee, caffeine, and Diet Pepsi, and Ill be one happy puppy. Id
love to be on all those things while I just drew, designed websites, and wrote
fiction and poems all day, then maybe went out to Borders to buy some
philosophy books and film DVDs. Then Id be a real rock star.

The drawing ability I have is something Im really in love with. Perhaps I

should try to explain it. During the day, through several periods of the day,
Im constantly seeing images appear in my mind, and they come and go.
Now, its my job to do my best to record them, but if Im not at the drawing
table during the time some images come into my mind, some of those
images may get lost. This is probably a good reason to constantly be at the
drawing table in my room, so that none of my cerebral fantasy
manifestations get lost in nothingness, never to return.

There seems to be a certain, contemplative, luminous truth that can be found

in the finer kinds of painting, which is just hard to find in many other places.
Theres a certain brilliance that shows through in painted worksby the
likes of Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Raphael, Vincent Van Gogh,
Claude Monet, Salvador Dali, Pablo Picasso, Gustav Klimt, Norman
Rockwell, Dean Cornwell, Jhonen Vasquez, David Mack, Frank Cho,
Hiroaki Samura, and Yoshitaka Amanowhich can just not be found in a
lot of other places, including much 2-D artistic media, such as pencil, ink,
and charcoal. This is one of the reasons I have such a strong desire to learn
painting, and Im doing just this. Slowly, but surely. I may be picking up the
tricks of painting slowly, but I am learning this way of drawing. In painting,
there lies a certain amount of truth and genius thats tough to find in other art
forms. I have learned about primary colors, secondary colors, and hues,
though. If you asked me what those were, Id be able to tell you.

Am beginning to think that have some traits from both the artistic and
intellectual areas of brain ability. I remember learning in school about a
certain amount of skill areas, and intellectual and artistic were two of them.

P a g e | 1157

When Mrs. Toner was describing what makes up these two traits, I felt a
decent amount of their components described some of my own traits.

I think there are certain entertainers who blur the line between fantasy and
reality. People where its tough to tell where to draw the line between them,
their creations, and their creative work. Its almost as if theyre part of the
world they create, or that they are their work. A couple names come to mind
when I think of this concept. Ill list off those people: Eminem, Marilyn
Manson, Trent Reznor, Tim Burton, Kevin Smith, Jim Mahfood, Chynna
Clugston-Major, Jhonen Vasquez, Judd Winick, Green Day, Quentin
Tarantino, Robert Crumb, Stephen King, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Matt
Groening, Evan Dorkin, Roman Dirge, Edward Gorey, Nick Hornby, Rivers
Cuomo, Thom Yorke, Bjork, Dave Eggers, Moby, Norman Rockwell, and
Ernest Hemingway. And a numerous amount of pop, rap, and rock music
stars. Its as if theyre living in the worlds theyve created. Sure you could
call it self-absorption, but I dont think I view it as that necessarily. I view it
more as the highest form of escapism and role-playing. Basically youre
living in an over elaborate personal world that the rest of the world gets to
view as well. These celebrities all have their own unique individual way of
viewing the world and portraying their personal worlds, which is part of
what makes them so famous and popular. When I think about it, these
various people form all kinds of different professions; Musicians, film
directors, illustrators, comic book artists, authors, painters.

All right. I think its time to list new music. Ill make this new Musical
Interests Day. Heres the groups Im more interested in now than I was:
They include U.N.K.L.E., MOTH, The Sundays, The Cardigans, Self,
Tweaker, Toadies, The Pixies, Fugazi, Tool, The Chemical Brothers, and the
Proclaimers. I think thats about it.

I should make a plan for what Im going to do today. So far, Im thinking

about these things: Listen to an anxiety tape, read one of my journal files,
write in this journal, meditate, and read some of my booksAnd so, guess
Id better get to work.

P a g e | 1158

Ive gotten some things done so far today, and its 6:23 p.m. Ive listened to
one of the new anxiety tapes, surfed the Internet, watched an episode of
Invader ZIM on Nickelodeon, which I havent seen in its entirety before,
looked through my big pile of comic books in my roomnext to my bed
and slept on Mom and Dads bed while they werent here in the morning
from 12:30 to 2:00 or 2:30.

I keep wonderinghow do we distinguish concepts from tangible

phenomena? How exactly does our consciousness register the difference
between a conceptwhich we cannot seeand something like, say, a
toaster, or computer?

Todays been somewhat of a boring day. Weve had testing at school, and
have gotten out at noon. The same will go for the rest of this week.

I absolutely love that brilliant song Rabbit In Your Headlights by

U.N.K.L.E., featuring Thom Yorke.

Im starting to think that I really need to move out of this house and learn
to deal with being out on my own, where I have someone else to feel
comfort talking to other than my mother. I dont think its healthy anymore
only feeling comfortable talking to my mother. I think theres more cons to
living under my familys roof than there are pros. The only really big pro is
that I dont have to have a job for the time being, so I dont have to pay
anything, so my parents make free meals for me, and I dont have to pay any
bills for TV or water or anything, which are things I would have to pay for if
I was living alone, on my own. Still, if I wasnt living with my parents, I
could stay up as late as I wanted to, could wake up when I wanted to with no
one around to criticize my television watching habits, spending habits,
eating habits, no one to tell me take a shower at least every other dayeven
when Im not going outside or speaking to anyone during that dayor to
stop watching so much television or writing so much, even when Im doing
productive thingsAs for adult responsibilities, I dont see marriage or
having kids as great possibilities. I have enough trouble with dating in and of

P a g e | 1159

itself. I doubt Id really be able to keep a marriage up, let alone keep it going
for decade after decade.

If I ever actually do end up writing a book or creating an underground

comic book series, where I get to play either writer or artistand if Im
really lucky, boththen I think theres a good chance Ill do well as far as
amount of audience goes. For a couple reasons: One of them is that I dont
see very many books on the literary and comic book markets (if any) that tell
the kind of stories I want to tell, in the various ways I want to tell them.
Another is that I dont think anyones done the exact style, which I want to
try to do. Take these journal entries, for example. After I read a couple pages
in this journal, when I search the literary market, I havent found one book,
not one, that uses the same voice, which is found in various pages out of
these many journals entries. I take inspiration from Hemingway, Salinger,
T.S. Eliot, Wilber, and Dave Eggers memoir and Frank McCourt, and
Stephen King, and Robert M. Pirsig and various underground and
mainstream comic books. But overall, despite the fact that many of the
books I read and study are mega-bestsellers, they still seem to be in the
minority of the general marketplace. Why this is, I have no idea. Perhaps
because the majority of writers would rather be commercial, or
conventional, rather than unconventional or innovative.

Did a drawing today, and I think it was another breakthrough. It wasnt

really in the design or draftsmanship sense, because Ive done just as good
if not better drawingsbefore that one. But what did make it unique was the
way the image, and its intrinsic composition, was presented. It was a tilted
camera angle, pointed upward at some guys face. It has a very cinematic, or
dramatic, feel to it. Theres something about it I find very pleasing to the
eye. Something appealing. More dramatic, larger than life. Its almost as if I
feel like Im looking through the paper and seeing what looks like a frame
from a detailed animated feature film. I personally think its one of my most
well done layouts yet. Hopefully Ill be able to do more artwork like this in
the near future, many times over before college, so that I can get my
draftsmanship up again. I would like all my comic book series to have the
same cinematic qualities of that one drawing Ive done today. If only the
majority of my drawings could be this crisp and this polished. Usually
theyre a lot rougher, disjointed, and sketchy.

P a g e | 1160

I think Ill go watch some TV pretty soon, but first I think Ill go read.

P a g e | 1161

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 68

P a g e | 1162

April 2002
Went to the painting class today, and it went OK. My painting sucked, but
the point is that I was learning. I really have to buy some oil painting
supplies ASAP, so that Ill be able to practice painting things with oils at
home. Ive made so much progress in my pencil, charcoal, and other black
and white artistic work that I think its time to try something entirely new,
which I dont know fluently, that I can try to become proficient at. I want to
be able to paint my own artwork one day. Progress is being made with each
day I attempt to pick up a painting utensil (today it was a painting knife,
which is what Ive been using). For instance, today, for the first time, I
completely learned how to be able to spot opposites of primary colors, even
though my constant questions seemed to frustrate my painting teacher at
Crealde. I have to learn somehow, though. And if it takes a million irritating
questions, then so be it. I have a feeling as time goes on, Ill be asking less
and less. With each day I attempt to paint, I absorb more and more
knowledge. I am redundant, but I think its in a good way. I dont think Ive
ever been this conscious of colors appearance before in my entire life.
Partial colorblindness be damned!

Also bought a lot of comics today. About twenty bucks worth, if that counts
for anything.

On bad habits: Ive been doing two things too much lately, and they are both
favorite pastimes for Americas youth. Sleeping and watching television.
Ive been doing both of these things far too much. Its just that lying in bed
falling asleep and laying in front of a television, becoming transfixed by its
luminous glow both seem far too tempting lately. Half the time at school,
when Im not doing work, I just rest my face down flat on my crossed arms
and do what feels like passing out. I guess that Ive spent so much time
before now writing, drawing, reading, and meditating, that I may have built
up a much stronger desire to do something downright lazy. This new switch
in my medication has really been doing funny things to my head. Ive

P a g e | 1163

noticed a more pessimistic mindset in the morning, when Im the most tired
and when things seem the most hectic. This occasional aversion of mine is
really starting to get on my nerves. Where have the compassion and altruism
gone?

This Johnny The Homicidal Maniac shirt Im wearing is getting too small
for me. This definitely means I need to lose weight. I guess I am a tad bit
sentimental at times, but I dont think I try to be on purpose.

Probably will be going to Park Avenue Compact Discs later this evening
with Dad, to pick up some new CDs.

Dads home now, and our family will be having dinner pretty soon.

I just heard from Mom that our next-door neighbor, Judy McCullough, who
is a best friend, practically an extended family member to us, to this family,
is in trouble. She found out today that the mark on her forehead has turned
out to be skin cancer of some kind. I heard mom talking to Dad about it, and
she told me. Ive kind of thought to myself, Oh my god. Judy might die. The
good news to this is that Judy has gotten this type of cancer before, and has
been cured of it in the past. Still, I really hope shes all right. Ive known her
for so long. Shes known the family and I since I was a very young child.

I did two very enjoyable things yesterday, both with Dad. I drove in dusk for
the first time ever, to get to Park Avenue Compact Discs, and I bought three
CD albums, for a total of $52. Ive now gotten to listen to all three albums in
their entirety, and I can securely say theyre all wonderful. All brilliant,
innovative, and ingenious. Im really glad to have bought all of them. Ill
write their names down here. Eels: Souljacker, which is their best and most
rocking album yet by far. U.N.K.L.E: Psyence Fiction, featuring the track
Rabbit In Your Headlights where Thom Yorke provides vocals, which is
by far the best track on the album, but theyre all quite good though. And
then, there was my final, and most adventurous purchase. Tool: Lateralus. I
think Im still trying to evaluate this album. One things for certain: Tools

P a g e | 1164

latest effort is one long-ass experience album. But overall, its very good and
pleasing. I do think, in a certain sense, the members of Tool, like Radiohead
and Trent Reznor, are musical geniuses. Some of their musical work is very
dark and intimidating, but its all extremely creative and innovative
nonetheless. This is all very inspirational musicfor mebecause its all so
unconventional, but still enjoyable and involving. I know that theres no way
any of these albums would top the Billboard charts, but that doesnt matter.
That doesnt make it bad.

Other than listening to music, Ill be sure to at least try to read a bit today.

Believe I have just figured out something interesting. Its the fact that you
dont have to make characters or creative properties that your mom approves
of to appeal to the masses, or to at least develop a strong following, even if
its a cult following, which is a very interesting type of fan base to get. I
mean, just look at Eminem, Stephen King, Jhonen Vasquez, Jamie Hewlett,
and Marilyn Manson. All of these entertainers music could be considered
bizarre or offensive in one way or another, but they still have many, many
fans that follow all their work religiously

For instance, one of Jamie Hewletts cartoon band characters from Gorillaz,
named Murdoc, is supposed to be a Satanist. That could be considered
offensive to some religious people. This is even though my opinion is that
its merely suppose to be an artistic statement to drive home the fact that the
characters Hewlett created for Gorillaz were not intended to be Disney-like,
family friendly characters. They have a very edgy, adult sense to them, and I
think thats the point Hewlett was trying to make. I think anyone who gets
the joke would know that. As for me, also dont think I plan on making all
family-friendly entertainment. I plan to write about some very adult things,
or at least some semi-adult things. That will probably be part of my voice.
But I dont plan on doing it in an artless way. When I mean adult topics, I
mean things like the followingBlood, rape, homicide, foul language,
mutilation, drugs, masturbation, the supernatural, organs, dead things,
apparitions, demons, torture, parental irresponsibility, death, religion,
disease, necromancy, sex, insanity, humanism and secular belief, weapons,
science, history, the apocalypse, paranoia, social injustice, prejudice, racism,

P a g e | 1165

genocide, violence, terrorism, poverty, politics, law enforcement, prostitutes,

communism, fascism, masochism, pedophilia, necrophilia, exhibitionism,
growing up, spoiled youth, dominatrixes, sentimentality, sexual misconduct,
cheating in a relationship, criminals, financial topics, and various uses for
excrement. Thats all I can think of now. I dont know about pornography.
Theres a good chance I wont touch that one. Sex seems to be such a clich
lately. Shock value is only one aspect of entertainment. There are many
others, more important things to include. Such as dynamics, the audiences
relations to the characters, ethics, and intellectual enquiry.

When I think about it, I believe Id like to have my work speak for itself.
That may mean Ill need to remain mysterious through the majority of my
career. I cant wait to get better at painting, so that I can create some genuine
colored works of art.

This is spectacular! I just got my confirmation email sometime in the last

couple hours that told me my web design class is complete, from Loretta
Dalke, my teacher. I got a B in the class. It was a great experience. Ill be
sure to make more websites in the future, and it may be a lot, if I have
enough ideas, technical knowledge, and visual inspiration. The Invader ZIM
site I created turned out great. I dont see why the hell I shouldnt make
another one on a different subject.

Earlier tonight, I sat around the computer room, rested on the couch in here
with the lights off, and listened to music as I watched the rain consume my
view through the blinds, out the window. The rain cast a dull shadow over
everything, and I watched raindrops slowly pelt the leaves on the bushes
next to the window, as soft lightning occasionally lit up the then purple sky.
I was waiting for a pair of headlights to float by down the street near the end
of our driveway, but only one pair went by, and when it did, I didnt get a
good look at it. Seeing some headlights would have made the eerie,
sepulchral vision complete. Its been a quiet, rainy evening that has slowly
faded into nothingness. Everything that begins eventually ends in
nothingness, which is just how it began, before it existed.
After the beginning, and before the end however, if were able to perceive
the cosmos subjectively, which is invariably a part of being human, then its

P a g e | 1166

probably necessary to seek beauty. Beauty can give meaning to life. We all
seek beauty in different forms, but were pretty much all drawn to it in one
form or another. In can take the form of things such as truth, happiness, God,
nature, silence, peace, quiet, enlightenment,
satisfaction,
pleasure,
enjoyment, fun. Anything that has us feeling more full, more whole, than we
did before could perhaps be considered beauty. Its tough to say why exactly
we consider things like da Vincis painting of The Mona Lisa or the
luminosity of a setting sun on the horizon to be beautiful, but even if we
dont know why it is we consider things to be the way we do, we know how
to identify the different characteristics we assume we know. Its been like
this all throughout history, and I cant say that I see this phenomenon
changing anytime soon during the next hundred years. I will always seek to
understand things better than I do in the present moment, but at times, I feel
just as confused as anybody else. We all do, at times. But, there are times
when we dont feel confused. Times when we feel like we have a purpose, a
direction. This kind of conviction can either be very beneficial or very
dangerous and hazardous, depending upon how much it infringes upon the
well being of others.

I may be cursed with some kind of genius and I may not, but I try not to
worry about those things. I used to, but dont anymore. I try not to look at
myself as different, not in the universal ways. I desire to end suffering, and
Im human. I share that with all other people.

Now that I think about it, Im very honored and lucky to have been born in
the University hospital, in the University of Michigan, in Ann Arbor. This is
even though Ive spent the majority of my youth living in and growing up in
central Florida. Im so glad I was born in Michigan (the North) instead of
Florida (the South), because there are at least eight times as many famous
and important people who have come from Michigan than there have from
Florida. There are too many to remember them all, but Ill say the ones Im
most familiar with. There are and have been a ton of famous people who
were either born in, raised in, or lived in Michigan for a while.

This makes me very proud to have been born in the state of Michigan. It be a
very fertile soil. Basically, I view my birthplace and myself as having a

P a g e | 1167

certain thing. Its a thing I like to call geographic heredity. What I mean by
this is that perhaps if I come from a state that has spawned a lot of famous
people who have made an enormous difference in the world, then maybe
thats a sign that I have the potential to become a great and influential person
as wellI mean, for chrisake, Madonna just got enlisted in the American
Encyclopedia. I think that says something.

Other locations in the United States Im fascinated by include California,

San Jose, Sacramento, Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego, New York
City, Boston, Oregon, Philadelphia, Maine, Miami, Fort Lauderdale,
Washington, Illinois, Chicago, Nevada, and Mississippi. Aside from these
places, I want to go to England, Ireland, Canada, France, Australia, Japan,
Tibet, Iceland, China, and maybe Germany. YesI guess I do love the
USand the world.
Listening to NIN right now
The farther I fall Im beside you,

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yoeu.

-Were In This TogetherThe Fragile Nine Inch Nails

Those lyrics are more overwhelming when theyre sung on the album, but
even if you only read them, you can still enjoy them. They hold their own
ground as lyrical craftsmanship. They dont necessarily have to be sung by

P a g e | 1168

Trent Reznor just to be appreciated. Trent Reznor is one of my favorite

songwriters/singers, aside from John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen, Thom
Yorke, Freddy Mercury, Eric Clapton, Elton John, Billy Joel, Bjork, Rob
Thomas, Paul McCartney, Alanis Morissette, Rivers Cuomo, Billy Corgan,
Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Joey Ramone, Marilyn Manson, Les Claypool, E
(from eels), and a couple others.

Thought of a name that I liked. Its called Demonatrix, which is kind of a

Satanic spin on the word dominatrix, not that Im a Satanist. I just like the
name.

Id love to get back to drawing a lot. The thing is, Ive been doing a lot of
other things. For instance, I just completely finished my web design class
yesterday, and drove in dusk from my house to Park Avenue in Winter Park
two days ago. Aside from that, I painted a crappy rendition of an apple, and
drew a new kind of drawing for me. A cinematic kind of drawing, which I
wrote about in this journal not too long ago. All these things have happened
in the last week or two, I think.

Some of the most interesting authors to come along recently and reach
popularity and fame in the last twelve years include Brian Greene, Dave
Eggers, Nick Hornby, Christopher Buckley, Frank McCourt, JK Rowling,
Irvine Welsh, Michael Chabon, Chuck Palahniuk, Helen Fielding, Mitch
Albom, and Lama Surya Das. Many of these are my favorites.

It seems like those British alternative rock musicians can be kind of weird at
times. Such as Thom Yorke. I was watching a video interview with him on
the MTV2 website, and he seemed, well, it was tough to describe what he
seemed like. It almost seemed like he was living in a different dimension.
The interview was bizarre, and was taken in Spain, in 1997. Im having
trouble thinking of words to describe his social manner. His music is weird,
and he seems to be the same way. I still idolize him, but thats the first time
Ive seen him when hes not singing in a video. Hell look down at the floor
a lot, and will often give thoughtful pauses before he speaks much, like hes
giving a lot of thought to his words in conversation.

P a g e | 1169

When asked (I think) about where the ideas for the OK Computer album
came from, he gave what seemed like some pretty baffling answers.
Itthe lost childI didnt choose those thingsit wasnt conscious, he
said.

That left me very confused, but I was amazed by how complex of a person
he seems to be. He reminded me of how I seemed in middle school. Not very
social. Optimistic, but not too noticeably cheerful. Now that Ive seen him in
an interview, in a way, I kind of know why hes not hosting MTV shows like
pop and rap music stars do. He doesnt seem like a people person. Hes the
creative kind, like a person youd meet in an art school class. I guess this is
why they say, Never meet your heroes. It just makes thingsmore
confusing. I cant even imagine what Jhonen Vasquez or Dave Eggers would
seem like in person.

In a way, I guess I would kind of like to be a star, but I also want to be a

thinker. Im sure Ill move out of Central Florida. Ill start off by living in
southern Florida for college, in Fort Lauderdale. Then after a while, Ill
probably visit New York City and California, so that I can see what theyre
like. If you want to be a mainstream entertainer of any kind, its pretty much
necessarily to be in New York City and California at least once. As an artist
and writer, I think these are probably the places to be. I suspect this, even
though Ive never been to those places.

Bought some new shoes with Dad today, and I like them quite a bit. We also
went into Borders, where I danced to a Soul Coughing display CD. There
was some kind of a Tarot card reader lady sitting at a table in the store as
well. She was doing a reading while I was in the store. I didnt get a reading,
but I kind of wanted to. I dont know why. Its not as if I believe those
things, but it may have been an interesting experience. Those are two of my
favorite places to go near where I live. The Borders in Oviedo, and Park Ave
Compact Discs, on Park Avenue in Winter Park. I dont really get out all
that much, but I do like going to those places. I mean if youre living in this
contemporary culture as an adult, its important to get out enough. I guess

P a g e | 1170

its not the healthiest thing to stay in your house all the time. I know I dont
really like getting out very much, but I know its important to do, even if it
makes you uncomfortable. I should probably go to more concerts,
conventions, and signings. I need to find something to do outside! It gets
boring staying inside all the time and not having many friends. Kind of
sucks. I realize people like me usually dont have any lives, but I dont want
to be like that all the time. Im eager to start designing an animated series,
filming a film, going to an art class, designing a website, recording a CD,
writing a novel, driving a car, writing a script or article, or drawing a comic
book series.

I think I know Ill be successful in one way or another. I just dont know
how big Ill end up. But if the things I create do end up developing a large,
national, or perhaps international following, I dont know how long Ill be
able to hide behind my work for. If I ever appear on radio, orGod forbid
TV, then I dont know how non-public of a figure Id end up being. Id like
to have respect creatively, but I dont know how much of that you can
accumulate when you write a novel, or draw comic books. I was reading
some issues of Rolling Stone magazine, and I found some articles featuring
two of the most respected bands/iconic musicians in contemporary rock.
Radiohead with Thom Yorke, and Nine Inch Nails with Trent Reznor. These
are extremely creative celebrities, which seem to have been able to build up
entire empires around their musical (and) artistic visions, and have been able
to hide behind them pretty well, even though they do get a lot of attention.
For one thing, theyve both been photographed for TV, the Internet, music
videos, CD album pictures, and various major music magazines. Plus they
tour the world with their bands, and their bands albums have each sold at
least 1 million copies. Id say thats a pretty goddam impressive feat.

Guess I do take pride in where I come from, even though I dont remember
itpretty much at all. Its just that Michigan and Detroit have spawned such
enormous celebrities, and its really cool to get to come from a place like
that, which is so famous. The only thing is that I was born at the University
of Michigan hospital, and Ive just recently found out that thats the
University that international freaking icon, Madonna, enrolled in as a ballet
dancer. I find it an honor to even be born in the hospital for the same
University that someone that famous, powerful, and rich attended. But, on
the other hand, I realize that even though I come from the same place, Im

P a g e | 1171

really beginning to develop a conviction that theres no way in hell that I

could ever achieve anywhere near that type of success. I may as well be glad
for what I have, my geographical heritage, and count myself fucking lucky. I
guess in a way, I do want to go to New York City and Los Angeles to get
noticed, not that I wouldnt also like to travel the world. I believe this, even
though I have no idea how the hell Id get noticed, once I got there. Its so
fucking confusing.

This is not good. I fear Im beginning to lose my humility. Suppose I need to

retain itListening to some Eels right now, and I cant seem to think of
anything else to write about.

We had a suicide prevention speaker in class, who brought a young woman

he has helped in the past. Her story was inspiring, to say the least. She tried
to commit suicide, either once or twice. I remember her speaking to our high
school classes about how at one point, she swallowed more than a hundred
pills at a time in an attempt to kill herself. Fortunately, she survived, got out
of her suicide slump, and turned her life around, and decided to speak to
groups on the subject like she did with us. She also happens to be an artist,
and, I think, a drummer or singer in a punk rock band. Is very creative, in
other words. I think she did a wonderful job and had much courage, but
some kids in the classprobably ones who are depressed but whom also
deny itwere pretty rude and made comments during the presentation.
Mind you, these kids are usually jackasses and are known for being such,
and they normally do this during any kind of presentations at school, but I
thought that was pretty callous and disrespectful to people who might have
cared for what the speaker was saying. Where is the compassion and
empathy in kids like those? Apparently, it may very well be there. Its
probably just cold, gray, and hidden, submerged in icy, contemporary,
teenage apathy. Unfortunately, there are far too many kids like this living in
society lately. Its kind of sad, but it also demonstrates societal change and
reform, so in a way, I guess it is important. It may be important, but I dont
know if its really good, or bad. Im hoping for the former, but on my more
pessimistic days, I suspect the latter.
Anyway, the speaker was talking, about how in kids, or shall I say late
teenagers, with mental disorders, like depression and suicide, therein also
often lays a certain amount of genius, if thats what you want to call it. I

P a g e | 1172

guess you could perhaps call it that, but Im not sure 100%. He also went on
to speak on how people who are extremely talented can often have a very
low sense of self-worth.

If youre scared to die

YIovnueigbheGtteitIvneirsnepngaeoarntdldlbsIienocsam
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A friendly ghost is all I need.
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I hid my head and prayed that it would pass,

A friendly ghost is all I need.

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I got up and opened up the door

A friendly ghost is all I need.

P a g e | 1173

I dont know why, but I have a bad habit of writing my favorite lyrics from
various CDs and groups in my journals. Im not sure why I like these lyrics
so much, but I find them very creative.

Moving onto other things. Itll be time to go to bed soon. I was able to wake
myself up at 6:15 a.m. this morning before school, and make my own
breakfast, on a school day. This is probably a first for me. A big step
forward, I supposeIm seeing a lot of potential in the future. I guess lately,
Ive decided, I dont want to end up stuck in a career having a pretentious
role as one of those indie comic book artists. Not when I can write entire
books. Im sure Ill do a lot of drawing in the future, and have at least a few
jobs that involve drawing and designing with traditional drawing media, but
I definitely want to do something that involves thinking and writing, not just
visual-concept-and-idea-putting-downing, on paper.

This is some bad shit. I had a medical problem today, but Im not sure if I
want to go into details. Lets just say it involved blood, and made me
uncomfortable for a short time.

Did a weird thing in school. I was listening to Thom Yorke singing on the
U.N.K.L.E. and a Nine Inch Nails And All That Could Have Been (Live)
CDs, and I suddenly felt inspired to write something bizarre, more creative,
and darker than Im usually known to write in class. I dont know what
possessed me to write the things I did, other than a subtle feeling of anger
that came with the anxiety I was feeling in the time, from being around a
bully. So I started off writing what seemed like some dark song lyrics, and
they actually turned out pretty interesting. I suddenly found myself with a
desire to write like the modern day masters, Trent Reznor and Thom Yorke,
have wrote songs. I wanted to create something morbid and nonsensical, yet
intrinsically poetic and artistic, like they did. Ive been going through this
phase where I kind of want to be them, in a way, only kind of different.
Theyre life styles seem kind of intriguing, mysterious, andin a way
transcendental to me, therefore Id like to perhaps get to live a life like that
one day. I then took out another piece of paper and wrote lines that made

P a g e | 1174

absolutely no sense, and were pretty much impossible to explain to anyone

else, but sounded somehow right and true to me. I pretty much filled up the
entire page with snippets of these bizarre lyrics that didnt at the time, and
still dont, seem to hold any rhyme or reason. Sayings like Brick shoes sink
to the depths of the ocean, Sadness found in a hollow bone, Indigestion
of the brain. Vomit of the soul, and Buying a piece of certainty, and a
raffle of doubt. I had a whole page full of these various sayings that seemed
to just manifest on the page, out of nothingness. I have no idea where they
came from. It was very mysterious, because I couldnt explain it, didnt want
to explain it. I was very afraid someone would look over my shoulder and
read some of them. I didnt want to try explaining myself, because I couldnt. Now that my first attempt at this new processto mehas been
successful, Im pretty sure Ill write a lot more of them. Ill probably keep
writing them for as long as I can still keep thinking them up. I dont know if
Ill ever use them, but I like them anyway. Right now, I dont know what
bands lyrics they sound the most like. Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails, Eels,
Beck? I cant tell what the hell they read like, but I do know that they sound
like song lyrics.

May 2002

Went to another painting class today. I got my painting I did from last class
back, and like it. Now that Ive had some time to let it sit, it turns out Im
pleased with it. Very pleased.

Didnt get a chance to write much today. But then again, Ive been doing
other things.

Man. Its a good time to be a music fan. There are a lot of new releases
coming up in the next few months, by artists with some actual vision,
originality, and talent, rather than wannabe pop-star market research
formula. Theres Moby (18), Eminem (The Eminem Show), and Weezer
(Maladroit). All wonderful musicians. I just heard Eminems newest radio
release, Without Me, and I fucking love it! He disses Moby, which I
thought was kind of rude, but Im a Moby fan, and Im not complaining too

P a g e | 1175

much. I still enjoy the song a hell of a lot, and find the video for itwhich
was just premiered on Total Request Livehilarious. It had an over-thephone introduction by Eminem himself, and a lot of hype for the video
during the show. Obviously, the The Eminem Show album will sell a lot of
copies when it comes out. The weird thing is that the diss Eminem delivered
to Moby may very well be driving his new albums pre-order sales. It
wouldnt surprise me. Stranger things have happened. Personally, I think its
cool that he and I both come from the great state of Michigan, along with
many other people, like Michael Moore (who just released an extremely
popular book, Stupid White Menand Other Sorry Excuses for the State of
the Nation!), Andrew W.K. (who currently seems to be one of the new
artists conquering MTV2, and the bottom half of the Billboard charts), and
Madonna (whoswell. Shes so enormous that I dont even think I need to
go into any details about her, because Im confident theres already a wealth
of accessible information about her in biography books, VH1, and the
Internet. I dont think I need to go into much detail about megastars.)

Went to school, did the usual shit.

Speaking of Michigan, I remember something Mrs. Toner told me in class,

once she read my in-class journal where I talked about Michigan. She
suggested that perhaps I visit Michigan in the future one day, to see if I find
any sort of spiritual connection there. You know, I dont think Id be
surprised if I did. As a matter of fact, I think if I did, thatd make me even
happier to be visiting. Ill probably see Detroit one day as well. If I werent
born in Ann Arbor, Id want to be born in some other well-known US
location, such as Atlanta, Georgia; Illinois; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; New
York City; California; or Mississippi.

Anyway, all this shit about my life (or biography, I guess) will probably
hold more intrinsic coherency and just plain make more sense near the end
of my life, if Im able to survive all the way until becoming a senior citizen.
All I can really think to say is that Im glad Ive lived long enough to get to
see culture in its current state. I just love getting to see all the change in the
last ten or fifteen years. Its simply amazing.

P a g e | 1176

I guess thats all I have to say for now. Will probably think of more to say in
a little bit.
The time left, until I make the transition from high school to college, is
running out. Cant wait to live on my own though, even though it scares the
crap out of me. However, I think if I maintain compassion, patience, and
reliance on myself, I can go pretty much anywhere, no matter how big.

Even though I just had another painting class yesterday, I have a pretty
strong feeling that Ill be getting back to the drawing table, and doing some
good old fashioned Prismacolor black-and-white pencil drawings. Back by
popular demand (Ha ha!). I guess just because a lot of great writers (but not
many famous artists) come from my home state, that doesnt mean I have to
neglect my art. If anything, that would be a better reason to pursue it even
more. Who says I cant be one of the first? The Jhonen Vasquez or Jamie
Hewlett of Michigan. Yeah. Heh heh. That would certainly be interesting. I
guess I could say Im no longer trying to be the supreme indie king, or
overly mainstream, or hip, or a geek, or a thinker. Guess Im just going to try
to be myself. I cant say Im influenced exclusively by any one particular
thing.

Have been watching far too many music videos lately, but ever since weve
gotten MTV2 and Ive seen the rock videos, Ive been liking so many of
them. The thing that really sucks is that MTV2, and the original MTV
especially, only plays their more unconventional videos at times when
theres the lowest amount of viewing audience. Needless to say, Ive been
casting my vote obsessively on that Control Freak show, where you can vote
online for the video you want to see at www.mtv2.com.

Got an unexpected visitor today. I dont know whether the fact that they
came over was a good or bad thing. After I got home from school, my
brother gave me the phone, telling me it was someone calling for me. As
luck (or perhaps, misfortune) would have it, it was John D., asking me how
to get to my house from Amanda Martins house. That shocked me. No call
asking if he could come over. No trying to tell me he was coming over. All
he did was ask how he drives to my house. Well, he came over without

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being invited. I dont know if I like unsolicited visitors, but it didnt turn out
too bad. We told each other how we were doing. John graduated from that
College, but he seems to have lost his motivation to succeed as a
keyboardist, even though he is brilliant with it. I tried to tell him that he
should keep pursuing the keyboarding and at least try to end up with it as a
career. I even gave him the most extreme advice. I recommended he save
some money up, and move to either New York City or Los Angeles, to try
and live there for a while and do some networking, like any of the big names
in the music recording industry have done, but I still think hes very hesitant
about the ideas. Still, after seeing constant biography reports on MTV and
VH1 about musicians such as Madonna, Andrew W.K., and Britney Spears,
among many other rap artists, Im quite convinced thats definitely the way
to go, especially if youre an aspiring mainstream musician. If there were
any entertainment industries where it helps especially to live in New York
City and/or LA, it would definitely be the music industry, film industry, and
television industry. These three industries pretty much have goddam
reputations on these things. If I were a musician who believed in the
potential of my music, and I believed I had talent, thats where Id go, even
if I were living in Michigan, Colorado, or Pennsylvania, which are three
places Im really fascinated by.
John also told me about how he talked to Amanda Martin, and how when
she spoke to John on the subject of myself, according to John D., she said
Joe. Hes not very social, but hes a genius. I thought that was a pretty
cool thing for her to say about me.

Wrote more nonsense lyrics in school today.

Now about writing: Ive constantly been basically been told by various
adults, who are not writers, whether they were teachers of my parents, Yes,
I do think you could pursue a career in writing, but I think you need a
mentor of some kind. Someone who can tell you how to write fiction the
right way. Well, Id like to find someone who can tell me how to write a
novel or literary book the right way. Unfortunately, according to respected
novelists and writers who have written popular bestsellers, there isnt one.
Not according to Stephen King, and not according to Natalie Goldberg, or
many other popular authors. Who would you rather believe on this matter? A
professional writer, who can make a living at their writing, and has written

P a g e | 1178

national bestsellers? A person who has gotten published by a New York

publishing house? Or would you rather be told what the right way to do
things is by a pharmacist, x-ray technician, or private school teacher (which
has basically been exactly the case for me)? Me? Personally, I think Ill
listen to the people who have succeeded at the craft, and do it for a living.

I thinklike Ive been doing for a while nowthat Ill let the books I adore
and the intentions of the authors who write them be my mentors. Listening
to people who dont write all the time tell you how to write is like listening
to a classical violinist on how to write emcee lyrics as a rap artist, when you
want to rap, not play violin. Who would you rather take advice from on how
to emcee on a rap album from Virgin or Interscope Records: Eminem or
John Williams? When you look at it this way, its kind of obvious it would
be wisest to listen to the former. Speaking of musical mentors, I think it was
kind of interesting that Eminems mentor was Dr. Dre, and Marilyn
Mansons mentor was Trent Reznor. In a way, you can kind of see the hints
of the mentor in the up-and-comer.

Not sure what else to talk about today.

Ill definitely say Sarasota, Florida is a better place to live than both the old
city and Orlando, even though I should probably say I pretty much hate the
entire state of Florida.

5:53 p.m. right now. Been reading all day, and need to learn to better
maintain my time. Im itching to get back to doing creative writing, drawing,
and web designThis is getting ridiculous. I know things have changed, but
I have to get back to working hard. Stop this lying in bed and watching TV
all day crap. Where is the truth, and where is my connection with the cosmos
My brother is a real self-centered prick. He starts shit with Mom and Dad all
the time. Its such bullshit. Im really starting to hate his friends, and perhaps
even him. Im so sick of hearing him talk about how Jinnel loves him.
Forget it. Why am I even bothering to write about him in here?

P a g e | 1179

One day, as many now-mainstream entertainers do, Im going to give a big

collective fuck you to all the people in my past and present life who have
done various things to at least try to screw me over and keep me from
valuing myself as a human being of worth, like anyone should do to
themselves. You know, the Bastard List has had some time to build itself up,
including: Many Floridians and Casselberry residents, neighbors,
elementary, middle and high school classmates, teachers, people in traffic, xco-workers, bosses, music studio producers and a graphic designer who all
ignored me that tried to tell me I suck, and perennial boys I used to consider
friends. I have a list a mile long of people, who have at least tried (but fail)
to attempt to lower my view of my own worth, so therefore, Im going to
stomp all over them in the future, and perhaps even display them to the
world for the asses they really are. You can call me arrogant or an egocentric
ass, if you want to, but I know many people would do the same thing, were
they in the same situation as me. I think Ive pretty much stopped caring if
anyone thinks Im arrogant. If you have even one more drastic opinion,
theory, or idea, youre pretty much guaranteed theres someone out there
who will try to proclaim that youre arrogant or that you dont deserve to
view yourself as anything resembling a good person, which is all bullshit of
course. We need to follow our instincts.

If I become a star one day, make a lot of money, or get respect from many
people in one form or another, good. But I think the only thing I really want
to achieve is to be able to make a living at the things I really love to do, and
be able to do them without having to waste my time on more transient and
less universal things. I cant really think of much else to say on this matter,
other than Im back, and in more control than ever before Ive had some
time to relax, experienced my first major rejection from an art school, heard
a lot of new music, felt a bit spiritually discombobulated, and have
rediscovered my original roots, and some nifty information about my
birthplace, people who come from it, etc. Now I just need some new topics
to write about. Still searching for that renewed sense of compassion though.
I cant believe 28 journal files have gone by since September 11th happened. It seems like that was such a long time ago, when it really wasnt. It
hasnt even been a year since that enormously damaging terrorist attack. I
think on that day, the United States looked to the rest of the world like
Detroit looks like to all the other domestic cities located in the US. In other

P a g e | 1180

words, during that time, our nation really looked like one of chaos. And just
where the hell is Osama bin Laden? It almost seems like president George
W. Bush simply gave up his search for him. Its bizarre how it was like the
majority of the media simply stopped covering the War on Terrorism.
Bizarre.

Being a Buddhist in the western world is not always easy. Sure, its helped
to ease me mentally, but its always kind of bizarre talking to my spiritual
practice with someone who is not familiar with it, such as a person who has
not read up on the subject as Tibetan and Zen Buddhism. I havent practiced
as much as I used to or should be, but Ive been meaning to get back to that.
First and foremost comes compassion, which you must learn to practice all
the time, in order to allow the seeds of it to bloom in your heart. Compassion
benefits everyone. Yourself, as well as other people. One strives for Nirvana,
but thats an intangible, long-term goal. You cant expect to reach that right
away.

Now there are famous people I like. For instance, theres a whole bunch of
new bands on MTV2, which I want to check out albums by. They include
Sugarcult, The Apex Theory, Lostprophets, Andrew W.K., MOTH,
Quarashi, and The White Stripes. I have been watching all of these bands
music videos obsessively, which is worrying my mother, and have been
voting for them a lot on the Control Freak show. I think these are all
actually pretty popular bands. Im fairly certain every single one of the
above mentioned bands is definitely able to make a living off of their music
alone, without having to work other jobs. If you get a music video on
television, that definitely helps sell your music. A lot of white people think
they know how to make good music, but they dont. A lot of Spanish people
think they know how to make good music, but they dont either. And a lot of
black people think they know how to make good music, but they do not as
well. Just look at half the artists on the original MTV currently. I think Id
rather listen to cracker death rape metal before I listened to any Neanderthal
rap, or horny as Latino salsa music. At least the rape metal has a lot of
instrumentals.

P a g e | 1181

I guess I am a pretty consistent masturbation practitioner. One would assume

half the male population in this country is too. It pretty much becomes a
habit when youre living the single lifestyle for a while. Im an intellectual
somewhat, so I honestly prefer intellectual and spiritual pursuits to
relationships and sex. Im still a virgin, and I like the concept of having sex
with a woman, but I dont obsess about it. That seems like such a basic thing
to obsess about. So intellectually devoid.

If there were one kick ass classic rock artist, who I greatly respect, it would
have to be The Boss. You know whom Im talking about. Bruce Springsteen.
Him and Eric Clapton. Ones English, and ones from Philadelphia, I think. I
may be wrong on that. If I were 50 years old, Im sure Id know that kind of
information a lot better. But still, I love to follow the careers of greatly
respected musicians, just like I enjoy following the careers of contemporary
alternative rock artists that I love. Personally, even though Im not from
Pennsylvania, I still think Philadelphia pride is a cool thing. It seems to have
just as much credibility as New York City pride. Personally, I think quite a
few people from the south are pretty retarded. Ludacris summed it up
perfectly: Leave a lot ah people with ah gap tooth smile. He could not be
more accurate. Youll find a lot of people with gap-toothed smiles here in
the South. Gotta love Casselberry, one of the American Neo-Nazi capitals of
the United States, and theres plenty of redneck confederates, Ku Klux Klan
members, and Aryan white supremacists all in Florida as well. I mean, just
go to any number of the supermarkets or cheap towns in this state, and youll
see what I mean. Theres also a lot of Homie Gs and Gangstas here as
well, with their stupid-ass looking low riders and loud stereos, driving
around on many Central Florida highways. And dont even get me started on
the homophobes living here. When I was working in Goodings/Winn-Dixie
near Red Bug Road, I found swastikas and homophobic slurs drawn and
written all over the bathroom and break-room walls all the time. It was quite
unsettling. I wondered which of my co-workers had drawn them. I dont
think I ever found out though. These are all reasons not to live in this
horrible state. This is aside from the fact that Florida has basically become
the mall-crowd-friendly rock producing capital of the United States. The
newspapers in this state are so fucking proud of goddam capitalist music acts
like NSync and Backstreet Boys, which are an actual musically talented and
creative musicians worst nightmare. And look at poor Marilyn Manson. He
becomes protests and controversial, and Florida basically tries to act like he
didnt come from this state, when hes one of the only mainstream acts from

P a g e | 1182

this state with some actual individuality and creativity. The assholes here
practically try to disown Manson, just because hes controversial and not
religion friendly. Orlando is so proud of its uplifting acts, which create
positive (a.k.a Christian moral based) music, even though one of the
Backstreet Boys recently got busted for alcohol abuse. There goes the
innocence, if thats what you want to call it. Its getting to be fucking
ridiculous. I mean, look at Madonna and Eminem. Madonna has featured
videos with sexual gratuity, burning crosses, and one video where she goes
on a crime spree. Eminem raps about killing his wife, doing drugs, weapons,
fucking up the youth of America, and has been accused of homophobia,
misogyny, and downright homicidal rage. Basically, hes a nightmare to
ethically grounded parents across America. But do Michigan and Detroit try
to disown either of them, like Florida has so graciously done for Marilyn
Manson. No! They accept the celebrities theyve given to the world, be they
bad or good, and realize that much of the world worships them like gods,
even though the other half hates them. These places are not embarrassed to
be responsible for them, and many other people in the media, who have
stirred things up. I guess that shows how desperate Florida is for attention,
because it knows that, overall, it hasnt produced anyone of significance, but
it clings to its famous people, even though they may very well be some of
the most superficial and shallow celebrities on the planet.

Finished reading the business book for the second time in a row. Its a very
useful book. It helped drive home some crucial wealth accumulating facts
even more. Such as: It doesnt matter how early you wake up. What matters
is the amount of passion and energy you put into the work when you do it.
So, to put it another way, it doesnt really matter if you put in three hours or
twelve hours in a day. People dont see how long you spent writing the
book. They see the final product, the finished manuscript. What matters is
the quality of work, not the volume of work. Thats a very important thing to
consider when youre a writer who wants to make a living at the craft. Same
thing goes for illustrating artwork, or working on an animation project.

Now about the book I illustrated. I think the reason the book succeeds is
because of the amount of information thats in the book. The number of
techniques in the book, and the variety of them all. They come from people
with varied experience. The one thing about it that baffles me is how
expensive it issince it is an academic bookbut the fact that its

P a g e | 1183

succeeding anyway. Truthfully, I have very little to do with how well the
book itself has done, but it makes me glad to see that Ive gotten the chance
to expose people to my crappy little ink illustrations. However, I know for a
fact that if I were to be receiving, say, $1.00 for every copy of the hardcover
sold, I dont know if Id be able to make a living, but I do know that Id have
made more money than I did during the entire time I was working at WinnDixie. Im pretty certain its sold more than 5,000 copies.

People have told me Im brilliant when I set my mind to something. I

realize I have a fair amount of talent when it comes to creative matters, such
as drawing, writing, visual concepts, and coming up with new ideas. I think
for many of the most brilliant people in the world, from all over the world,
their concepts are often so far out there, when theyre trying to make their
vision a reality, there will inevitably be some who will not completely see
the individuals vision, and many who will not understand the visionary as a
person either. But, these brilliant artists and thinkers have faith in
themselves, and the power of their mental manifestation. Theyre able to see
the big picture in its entirety, and are best able to help turn the vision into
more than simply a vision. Theyre able to help turn it into a tangible reality.
Theyre able to help guide other peopleeither a small or large group of
other creative peopletowards making it into a reality, which can be judged
by the general public. In a way, it does take courage to be an experimental
entertainer, because youre putting your visions, your ideas, your theories,
your style, and therefore the very nature of yourself out there for an
enormously large amount of people to judge, that will either like you or they
wont. But the thing is, youll never fully know whether a lot of people like
you unless your able to get your ideas and work out there for people to
judge. It takes audacity to display raw feelings and views to a lot of people,
especially when you dont know and have never met the majority of them. In
a way, you do what you do for those people, as well as yourself. For the
people who your work actually means something to, because if you have an
original idea, there will probably be someone out there who will enjoy what
you have to offer. Whether people judge you positively or negatively doesnt
matter. Every person who does a public display of creativityof some
sortwith invariably face both at one point or another. Whether everyone
likes you or not is beside the point. At the end of the day, you go home,
knowing youve given a group of people something personal. They may
enjoy it, and they may not. But you know that youve given them something

P a g e | 1184

they didnt have before you gave it to them, and thats what really matters,
not whether you please everybody or not.

So lets see. What things influence me currently? Well, if I try to answer

that on the spot, the following things come to mind: Comic books
(preferably the more unusual indie kind), manga, anime, newspaper comic
strips, all different kinds of music, eastern religion, philosophy books, video
games, movies, film, television shows, fashion, youth culture, different
geographic locations, fine art, computers, photography, physics, magazines,
my own life, travel, and various novels and memoirs.

Perhaps in one of my future stories, I can give an exploration of the

unconscious part of our minds. Im thinking of it being one of those stories
that take a somewhat closer look at the thoughts we have in the back of our
minds. The hard part would be figuring out how to convey them and show
them for what they are. Ive always been fascinated by human consciousness, so why not explore the subliminal gray areas of it? Usually, for some
people, their most bizarre ideas dont come consciously. They come from
the back of ones mind, which might explain why those particular ideas are
so weird. How else could you explain Harry Potter, Radiohead, Beck, Nine
Inch Nails, or Monty Python?

P a g e | 1185

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 69

P a g e | 1186

May 2002

Not a whole lot to do in the next couple months, before I move off to
college. Mostly the same things Ive been doing: Writing these journals,
watching music videos, reading books and comic books, writing essays, and
drawing. Other than these things and meditating, Im not sure what else I
should be doing.

I think Ive decided something. I dont think Im going to worry about

competing. I realize that there are people out there who can draw a heck of a
lot better than I can, and that therere most likely people out there who can
write and think an enormous amount better than I can as well. One would
presume that the best way to handle these things, which seem much like ego
checks, is to not be discouraged by this, but rather to be inspired by it. I
think the truth of the matteras my x-animation teacher once statedis that
there always will be someone out there who has more talent than you and I
in one form or another, no matter what our area of skill is. One thing Ive
noticed, however, is that while some creative genius may have more raw
skill than another artists or writer, but when it comes to appeal in the work,
the artists or writer with less skill may in fact have more appeal than them,
just not as much aesthetic skill. Ive found this to be the case for various
creative people.

In my opinion, when one looks at it casually, when youre my age, it didnt

really look like the current young generation would ever grow up. So many
young adults walk around, acting like theyll be young forever, like my
brother for instance. Yet, it seems like this new younger generation is
growing up to become adults. I realize Ill become an adult one day, should I
live long enough to see adulthood, and I am hoping to. I dont mean
hoping in a potential suicidal person way. Its just that, you never really
know when your time will be up. The nature of impermanence and all that
hoopla. Honestly, though, Im unable to see myself (physically) as a 30- or
50-year old, like my parents. It can be very tough to see that far ahead into

P a g e | 1187

the future. Its obviously that way for many young people. Hell, as for
myself, I dont even know what Ill be doing for a career.
That seems weird. Its seems like when a person wants to be a comic book
artist or writer or whatever, the vast majority of them seem to desire the
admiration. I think theres one thing I need to realize. That if you have any
kind of career and do it successfully, there are complications that go with it.
If you have a creative career of any kind, there will be other artists and
writers out there who will be envious of you, simply because of the fact that
youre getting to live your dream, and theyll have a strong desire to have
the same amount of respect as you do. For creative people with a strong fan
base, its as if people of all sort come out of the woodwork, and flock to that
one person. Sure it seems really cool from a distance, but Im sure its a very
strange lifestyle. There will always be the fans and the admirers and the
critics and the jealous ones. It all seems too overwhelming. Honestly, I dont
want a sea of admiration or attention. I just want to make good work, and tell
good stories.

Just noticed something. Its a good thing Im not obsessing about Michigan
anymore. For some reason, I usually like to keep these journals pretty
locationless and timeless, with the exception of sometimes.

Now that I think about it, its probably pretty scary having more than
1,000 across the country hanging onto your every word, constantly thinking
about your work (and sometimes you). I like having privacy. Never mind
100,000 people. Thats a hundred times scarier. There is a certain pressure
that goes with success and stardom, unfortunately.

Heres an analogy, or an inquiry. If you have the extra audacity and courage
to pursue a job as a singer/writer/director/actor/artist/musician/etc., where
you want your individual creative voice to be heard nationally in one form or
another, then doesnt that mean you have a bigger ego than everyone else
and are more narcissistic, because you want that extra
fame/money/acclaim/attention/whatever? Im not sure about how to answer
this question. It may mean that, and it may not. Suppose it depends on your
motivation behind such a thing. Maybe it just means you want to display a

P a g e | 1188

public idea, style, or opinion. You dont have to view yourself more highly
then everyone else to do something like that.
I suppose the topic of this journal is success in a creative job.

Some interesting things have happened recently. It turns out that Ive ended
up being the student with the second highest GPA out of everyone at my
school, for the graduating class of 2002, behind Norman who is our schools
2002 valedictorian, whom Ive spoken about in this journal before.

Aside from that, some other things have been going around my mind. For
one, Ive recently found out that theres a lot of charity work students can do
at the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale, which is pretty cool, because Id like
to perhaps do charity work in college.

As for other things, Ive been thinking about music a lot. Aside from the fact
that I watch the hell out of MTV2s rock videos and that Ive been buying a
lot of new CDs lately, Ive been thinking about my drumming and guitar
playing. Just today, I was thinking that when I turn 30, 35, or 40, I might
perhaps pick up my old guitar and really sit down and learn to play it until I
get good enough to compose songs. And if I believe Id be good enough,
then maybe I could find some other people who play instruments and do one
of those art rock garage bands, or something else. Something artsy and
somewhat experimental. I dont know. In a way, I think I always have kind
of been envious of famous alternative rock musicians, whose music I enjoy.
Because they get all that cool attention. All that studio time jamming with
other talented musicians, singing on a microphone, writing songs,
rehearsing, releasing CDs, doing international tours to promote their music,
where you get to perform in front of large audiences. If youre a well-known
musician, you get that movie star-like celebrity credibility. If famous
musicians appear in music videos, they are stars, whether they like it or not.
That alone may make picking up a six-string guitar and learning how to play
songs worth the effort. If there were any musicians Id love to be like, they
would be Trent Reznor, Bruce Springsteen, Rivers Cuomo, Andrew W.K.,
Less Claypool, Billy Corgan, or Thom Yorke. I do have a goatee, if that
counts for anything. I guess playing a guitar, in a popular band when youre

P a g e | 1189

a guy, does give you that kind of edge and sex appeal, but thats not what
Im worried about. I cant explain it, why rock star type guys are so
attractive to women, but they are, and I dont think I want to explain it.
Speaking of hair, when I become over 21or perhaps soonerI plan to
grow as much facial hair as I can, and have long hair on my head. Ill have
sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. Or maybe sideburns, a mustache, and a
beard. I know my mom would hate that, but Id be doing that more to please
me than anyone else.

Well, I went on a fieldtrip to the beach with some people and teachers from
my school today, and it was good, quite simply. I didnt really go
swimming, but I did walk on the beach and stand in the water where it was
up to my thighs, but that was it. I had a really good time. We got to stay at a
beach house, and I could do anything, like listen to music on headphones or
watch TV. I think the best part was when I got to see a girl at my school I
now like, in a black, two-piece bathing suit. My god, she looked incredibly
sexually attractive, and she wanted me to go out and walk in the sand with
her and Rachel the other girl! I didnt want to stand up much, though. It
would have been embarrassing. I dont think anyone noticed really, thank
God. I actually had the courage to say how I really felt about her, to her. I
walked into the kitchen with her. It was just Lorelei and myself in the
kitchen. I looked at her body, then at her face.
Wow, I said. You look really great in a bathing suit.
Thanks! She said. Hey. Ive never heard you talk to me that way, Joey.
She replied with a chuckle. We both laughed. I dont know if she has a
boyfriend or not, but Im not sure. I want to get close to her, and get to know
her better, with her curvy figure and nice eyes soft legs and red hair and
healthy breasts, which I could really see when she was in the bathing suit. I
think in a way, she likes me. She speaks to me very openly. Its just, Im not
sure if she likes me in the same way I like her. That is to say, I feel really
turned on refreshed when Im around her. So I guess, in a way, its both love
and raw sexual desire, if thats possible.

As for the other subject involving music, I was looking at Billboards

official website, and they had written an article there about the band Tools
overseas tour, and when you read the list of countries and cities they would
be in, you realize just how American mainstream musicof pretty much

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any kindis popular all over the world, loved by many millions of people,
many of whom dont speak English. Heres some of the places Tool will be
playing: Paris, London, Vienna, Germany, Berlin, Belgium, England,
Ireland, Poland, Prague, Holland, Portugal, Spain, Milan, Zurich,
Copenhagen, Stockholm, Helsinki, and Norway. This is not counting all the
cities theyre playing in the United States alone. I think when I simply look
at this extensive geographical list, I truly realize that Im not the only one
who Tools dark and twisted musical genius has touched. And Im only a
casual fan. Im not one of those hardcore fans. I realized a long time ago that
it must be cool being an entertainer who makes a living doing such a thing.
Other than these things, Im not sure what else to talk about, but Im sure Ill
probably think of something.

I think one thing Ive been able to realize is that I do have a lot of creative
and imaginative thoughts, and many of the things Ive said before have been
very entertaining. I realizeda while agothat my words, the sentences
and paragraphs I construct on paper, do hold coherence and meaning for the
most part, which is why Ive decided to at least try to become a professional
writer. I also decided to pursue the art as well, because I know that some of
my drawings have appeal, much like my writing. Its people like Thom
Yorke and Dave Eggers and Jhonen Vasquez, along with many others, who
helped me realize that even in an overcrowded market filled with
mainstream anti-intellectual crap, theres still room for successful creative
pioneers, who can actually partially revolutionize their medium, while still
developing iconic status, cult followings, pop culture status, high incomes,
award nominations, and great critical reviews.

I keep wondering whats become of the Dalai Lama. I want to see him in
media pictures again, to know hes okay. I want to hear him continue
speaking on the power of compassion. Its almost as if I need to here his
words, to fill my life with more wisdom. Hes just so wise. Far wiser than I
could ever hope to be, but then again, he has trained as a Tibetan monk in
Buddhist meditation all during his entire life, so hes obviously at a distinct
advantage.

P a g e | 1191

I guess when I think about it, girls in general dont think me such an
unattractive guy after all. When I think back on all the girlswho were my
age at the timeand womenfrom my job, who were actually quite close
to my agewhom Ive talked to openly, called on the phone, dated, kissed,
hung out with, and flirted with, theres actually a decent amount of girls who
Ive had casual relationships with, regardless of how short these
relationships were. For instance, I just called Amanda M on the phone last
night at her house, pretty much just to talk to her and see how shes been
doing. We talked for a little bit, about college, high school, people weve
known, etc. She was just about to take a shower when I called her. She told
melike John said earlierthat she thinks Im a genius, and that shes
talked to Stephen Hill before occasionally, and he too thinks Im a genius.
Amanda joked about how Im going to rule the world one day. She said I
could use my creative powers to write the scripts of peoples lives. I told her
that would be a lot of scripts to write, since there are over 6 billion people
living in this world. It was a nice conversation. She even told me that she
was glad I chose her to call, and that I can call her and talk to her any time,
which I found reassuring. I like her. Shes cute and smart and lively, but Im
not sure if I should attempt dating her. Girls like her are very sought after
people. Plus, I think, judging by the tone of her parents voices when they
handed the phone to her, I think her parents were skeptical of my motivations for calling her out of the blue. Perhaps I shouldnt blame them. The main
benefit of that phone call was that I got some practice talking to a girl. In the
past, I have not gotten that opportunity very much.

I just played my acoustic guitar some today, and it didnt sound too bad, for
a guy who doesnt really know how to play an acoustic. Thats one thing I
want to learn how to do well in the future, along with some other things.
Play guitar and learn how to paint.

I guess in a way, I do want those things that artsy fartsy types, supposedly,
shouldnt want. You know. The whole deal. Wanting attention. Wanting to
get noticed. Wanting stardom and wealth. But my whole motivation to
become successful and well known by far transcends these things by
themselves. I want the respect, the influence, and the opportunity to be able
to say things publicly, so that people will listen. And yes, I am making that
choice to live that lifestyle, the public lifestyle, when Im an adult. But as far
as I can see as of now, I dont regret, and dont plan to regret making that

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choice, despite any amount of bullshit I may have to put up with in my

private or personal life. There are advantages to being more famous than
your work, and there are advantages to your work being more famous than
you. If I didnt want to at least try becoming an up and coming star, I
wouldnt think about being a writer. Id stick to only being an artist. I think
an image of the creator should accompany the work, at times, though. Not
all the time, but some of the time. I think since I was a preteen, Ive been
completely obsessed with celebrity, and have always had this curiosity as to
what it would be like to be one of those kinds of people. Then even later
one, I had a premonition that some time in the future, I may get the
opportunity to see what its like be one of them. In one sense, its both
terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. There always has been a certain
amount of narcissism involved in the concept of celebrity, but its something
you learn to live with, and hopefully not get too involved with.

I have to get to work very soon. I have this whole big fucking report to write
on Rosa Parks, which is probably due this Tuesday, in two days from now.

Right now, Im not sure what to write about, so I should probably get to
work soon.

Im pretty damn determined to teach myself how to do a couple things a lot

better than I already do them. I dont do these things all that well, but I want
to get a lot better. These things are playing guitar (acoustic, then
electrical), singing, playing piano and keyboard, singing, writing songs, web
design, inking, and painting. Now that I think about it, I think I want to do
more than only write, draw with a pencil, and play drums. For the last couple
days, Ive been playing my acoustic guitar I own for a while, as Ive sat in
front of the television in my parents bedroom. Thats been a lot of fun.
Most of the time it doesnt sound good, but Im getting more comfortable
playing it, and it did sound kind of musical at certain points. Its a lot of fun
finger picking the first guitar Ive ever owned personally. I see all kinds of
guitarists in music videos, and I get inspired. Dont get me wrong. I still
really enjoy playing a drumset. Its just that you cant compose pop and rock
melodies on a drum set. You can keep rhythm, and make cool beats, but you
cant compose songs to do vocals with. You can do that on an acoustic guitar

P a g e | 1193

and a piano. I guess its that element of those instruments thats always
captivated me, even before I realized it did. I think, for a long timeeither
consciously, or subconsciouslyIve wanted to be able to make up my own
songs, with melodies, hooks, and all. I like to listen to all different kinds of
music, so therefore, I think it would probably be most sensible to want to try
creating all different kinds of music. You start off by copying the prolific
musical geniuses out there, who have had success with their music careers,
and eventually go on to develop your own musical style. Thats pretty much
the way it works in any creative expression medium, which you can make a
living at.

Also finished writing the biography on Rosa Parks yesterday. I think it

turned out quite good.

Many people tell me of my genius. I realize I do have that creative energy,

and the tenacity to eventually develop my own styling and voice in whatever
medium I enter into, and I attempt practice for a potential living, but genius?
Im not sure. Its tough to tell if I have any of the things, which I associate
with the geniuses Ive seen in the media and literary world. Things like
intelligence, creative energy, wisdom, brilliance, the masterpiece, eloquence,
innovation, variety, the universal, poignancy, beauty, profundity, humanity,
vigor, pathos, vision, and high production values.

Today was a very musical day. I think I finally learned how to use my right
hand and fingerpick and acoustic properly. Never did get a chance to study
that color wheel for my painting class though.

One thing Ive really been obsessed with recentlyis music. I cant seem to
go ten minutes without listening to the radio, a CD, watching music videos,
or playing a musical instrument with a passion. Fuck. That means Im not
drawing or writing enough, which is what is really important, because its
unlikely that Ill have a successful career as a musician.
I must say I love Evan Dorkin comics, along with a lot of other black-andwhite indie comic books. Theyre often the only comics Ill read. Ive grown

P a g e | 1194

so sick of the superhero books. And Im still sick of them, unless theyre
written by a comic book writer I really love, like Brian Michael Bendis, Neil
Gaiman, Alan Moore, or someone else like that. But as far as entertainment
goes, unless Im reading something by Evan Dorkin, Jhonen Vasquez, or
someone else like that, Id rather listen to one of my favorite CDs, play my
guitar, or something than read a comic book. Honestly.

I know this sounds clich, butI think I may be in love. There was this girl
whos been in my art classes at Crealde, and I think shes cute. Better than
cute, actually. Shes hot. We sat next to each other and have talked to each
other in every single one of my painting classes (my last class was today). I
kept looking over at her, checking her out, talking to her, and she didnt
seem to mind. So I finally got the courage to ask for her phone number, and
she gave it to me. There was something very romantic about sitting there
right next to her in every class, and talking to her. I dont know how I did it.
It took a lot of courage to ask for those digits, but I did it. I really want to
hang out with her, and hopefully in private, where we can be alone. Shes a
year younger than me. 17. Her name is Elizabeth. She has such nice legs. I
was glad she wore those short blue shorts every class, so I could look at her
legs, and drool over them. I think she likes me too, but I guess Ill just have
to see. Ill probably call her tonight. Im just hoping maybe shell be my
girlfriend. It would be so freaking amazing if I could have a girlfriend as hot
as her, and maybe get some action. I want to get close to her. But the thing
is, its not just physical attraction. Weve had good conversations too. Ive
had a lot of fun talking to her in classall I can think right now is Wow, by
some miraculous stroke of luck, I managed to get the phone number of the
hottest girl in my entire art class.

Its 7:58 p.m. right now. I tried calling Elizabeth a little bit earlier, but she
wasnt there at the time. Ill try again later. I dont know if this will go
anywhere, but at least I made the attempt. I dont think Ive ever done this
communicated with a girlthis well before. Im definitely in loveSo. If
you manage to get a girls phone number, and she seems to enjoy your
company, does that mean youre dating her. Maybe I can go out to a movie
with her, if she wants to go, that is. Man, its weird how a guys priorities
change once he meets a girl. Miss Right.

P a g e | 1195

Dear God, here we go. You know what I feel like. I feel over-the-hill. I feel
fucking retired. This is because today was my last day attending high school
as a student. But so much cool stuff has happened lately! Suppose I should
talk about it. First thing: in school today, for anything I did in school today, I
realized that Id be doing those things for the last time in high school. The
graduation ceremony will be tomorrow, and the party-type thing will be the
next day, on Saturday, where people we know will come to our familys
house and tell me congratulations. Ill have to see how that goes. Mrs. Toner
wrote for a comment on my last creative writing assignment in class today,
saying that she looks forward to my published work, assuming shell be able
to see it, and hopefully she will. I think that would be cool if she did get to
see any potential future published work of mine.

Also, I wrote Daniel C. Dennett, a highly renowned thinker, an email

complimenting him, telling him about how I think hes a great person. I
might record what I wrote in that email in this journal sometime, so that I
can record it somewhere, rather than just having it printed out on a piece of
paper from the original email. Only problem is, when I wrote him, I just now
noticed that I kept spelling his name with an A (Dannett), so I probably
came across as a fucking dumbass. Also, apparently Daniel C. Dennett is
quite a prolific author, writing about such things as consciousness and
Darwins theory or Natural Selection. Truly brilliant guy.

Ive just found out about some really cool new celebrities. The Get Up
Kids, which is a new band Ive just recently heard of, whose new CD just
came out a couple days ago (I think), which I really would like to buy. DJ
Shadow, and Alex Grey, who is a kind of genius artist. I saw both their
websites, and their websites alone are actually quite ingenious. So was
www.thegetupkids.com. Havent called Elizabeth yet. Im sure I will in the
future though. Shes so beautiful. I want to spend more time with her, if
possible. Id like to take her out to a movie or something.

Ive really become intrigued with the concept of rock star. What I
consider to be a rock star is basically any one whos creative, who gets to do
their own thing in any way they want, is a public figure, and has a distinctive

P a g e | 1196

personal look to them thats recognizable. In my opinion, there are all

different types of rock stars besides the kinds working as musicians. Theres
rock star talk show hosts, artists, writers, rappers, television personalities,
movie stars, film directors, webmasters, poets, philosophers activist,
religious leaders, and even rock star scientists (like Stephen Hawking, Albert
Einstein, Galileo Galilei, Charles Darwin, Isaac Newton, and Brian Greene).
I guess I hope to be some kind of a rock star some day, even if its as an
artist or writer. I plan to keep playing drums and guitar however.

Certainly feel like Ive become more social recently. Now that Im more
social that what seems like ever before, I wonder, do I really want to deal
with the hassles of celebrity? I mean getting hassled by crowds wherever I
go, even when I just want to go see a concert, watch a movie, or buying CDs
or groceries. Im not sure if I want that. Once youre thrust into the
limelight, you probably wont be able to go back. People will always want as
much information about you as they can find. It gets to the point of
becoming frightening. I was looking at a popular Jhonen Vasquez message
board, and one girl was talking about how she had collected 42 different
photos, all of poor Jhonen. I dont know about other people, but I found that
kind of frightening. Thats not healthy. To me, that seems a bit obsessive.
These fucking comic book and science fiction geeks, eh? Where are their
heads? I dont make an effort to try to be cool, but I guess I dont really try
to be geeky too much anymore either. I think Im slowly starting to care less
and less what people in general think of me. Ive slowly learned to stop
caring if everyone likes me or hates me.

Aside from these things, Ive now shaved my goatee off, and have
considered dying my hair some unnatural color when Im living on my own.
Maybe something like red, green, blue, blonde, or a more natural brown. Its
already black. Personally, I think it would be cool if my hair went through
different phases. I was getting used to loving seeing it long, unruly and
curly. Some of my classmates, and my brother, called it a fro which means
an Afro, but I dont think it looked anything like a fro. But then I got it cut
short, and Im really starting to like the way it looks right now, short and
slightly wild. And then theres the hair when its completely buzzed into a
buzz cut. Actually, hell, Ive even thought about becoming bald at one point
and completely shaving my head, but I think that might make me look
hideous, when contrasted with the freckles on my face. Guys like Moby,

P a g e | 1197

Billy Corgan, Samuel L. Jackson (at times), Michael Stipe of R.E.M., and
Ken Wilber all can really work the bald look. They look cool when bald. I
have doubts I could work that look like theyve been known to do. You
dont see too many Hispanic or Native American looking guys walking
around without a strand of hair on their heads. I think that might make me
look even more bizarre, but Im not entirely saying that I dont want to look
bizarre, if thats what you want to call it.

A certain teacher and some other people seem to think Im some kind of
teenage prodigy, but Im too humble to completely embrace that perception
of me. To me, everything Ive done up to this point, (or perhaps at least 70%
of it) has seemed completely normal and natural to me. I dont find anything
too out of the ordinary about the things Ive created. Theyre very natural to
me. Im very at home seeing my various creations from the past, and
hopefully from the distant future as wellI would like to learn to become a
singer, and when I think of my singing voice, the musical singers who
inspire me to sing the most would probably include Elvis Costello and
Darvis Cockeror whatever his name isfrom the early Pulp albums,
especially on the song Common People. Id love to have the tonal range of
someone like Thom Yorke, but Im not sure if my voice range is capable of
that. My voice is verywell, I dont know. Kind of low, monotonous, and
melancholy, even though Im not depressed in the slightest. I think in a way,
its kind of nasally too.

Have realized thatthis may come off as a bit ambitious sounding and/or
self-importantwhat I do cannot be defined by genres. Ive realized that
what I do cannot be defined by any specific category or genre, like
something such as Marvel Comics, Disney animated films, blatant
capitalistic rap music, or bubblegum pop. What I do is harder to define, in
the same way that things like the band Yo La Tengo, Gorillaz, Radiohead,
Nine Inch Nails, the comic book Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, the Dave
Eggers memoir: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, the entire
genre of punk (due to overabundant conflict over its true intrinsic
definition), Tim Burtons work, William Kentridges animated films, the
Robert M. Pirsig novel: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, or Ken
Wilbers books are hard to define. I love all those thing, but Id be really
fucked if asked to define them. I would say Stephen King as well, but to me,

P a g e | 1198

that would seem kind of risky, since many have tried to pigeonhole him, but
wrongly so.

Whoa. I feel so ambiguous, because so much stuff has happened today. Its
my brothers birthday today, and we just celebrated it by having cake, and he
opened his cards. He had just woken up, so he was very tired. He looked sad,
but I think Ive figured out that the sad look was from the being tired. His
face really seemed to light up, when he opened the birthday card with the
$20 bill in it, which was from me. He actually got teary eyed, I think. It was
a weirdly sentimental moment, but I enjoyed every moment I got to spend
there with him, watching him get to see us celebrate his birthday. Sure hes
done said some mean shit, but he really is a good guy and loves me as a
brother a lot, even if he has a tough outer shell. Ive known him long enough
to know that he doesnt have a rotten heart at all deep down. He cares more
about the world than that Tim guy who went to my high school does. I hate
to admit that I think anyones a rotten person, but if I had to pick some one,
Id pick the tall Tim who went to my school, not the short one.

Grandmas had heart problems and has been in the hospital, but really
wanted to come to my graduation. I wont go into that right now. Phils been
caught up on business at the Art Institute, and is going to be having a lot of
meetings tomorrow, but he called me tonight on the phone and was very
congratulatory. He and Kristine are both very happy for me. I wanted to rest
all day after school today, but somehow I ended up pretty much spending
most of my post-high school day writing in this journal, getting caught up on
my life so far. God, so much stuff has happened. Before we had Andys
birthday cake, I got to check out my mail. My God. I got a whole sea of
graduation celebration-type cards, some very moving, some funny, etc. I
think I got six or seven cards tonight, and not a single one of them had under
$20 in it. They all either had a $20 or $25 bill or check in them. Amazing. I
think I got $135 altogether so far. I was like Holy fuck! Thats more than
enough to buy all those new CDs Ive been meaning to buy. Im not sure if
Ill buy all the albums Im thinking about, but Ill probably get a lot of them.
The ones I want to get include Mobys 18, Weezers Maladroit, and albums
by Sugarcult, Andrew W.K., The White Stripes, N.E.R.D., Tenacious D,
Quarashi, MOTH, DJ Shadow, The Eminem Show, Pulp, Pixies,
Lostprophets, and thats all that comes to mind right now. Maybe Paul
McCartneys Driving Rain album as well. The woman Im pretty sure Im in

P a g e | 1199

love with currently, Elizabeth, wished me congratulations on my graduation,

and so did pretty much all my friends and people I know at school, teachers,
etc., so this has all made me very happy. This may be one of the best times
of my life. Happiness aside, there are so many things I could go into, which
arenot quite so uplifting seeming to me, but I think I should keep this
positive right now. Theres people who Ive known since I was a little kid,
and have known just recently, who have been having very tough times, and
whos lives seem a bit screwed up. I feel so fortunate. If I become extremely
successful in the future, in any way, Id probably feel at least just a tad bit
guilty. That would be because Id know how fucked up of a time other
people are having while I have it so easy, even though I havent really had it
all that easy in the past. Actually, even now, its no walk in the park all the
time (just some of the time), but I wouldnt trade it for the world. Do I have
intelligence? Sure. Will I become rich one day? Maybe, but no guarantees
and Im not counting on it. Right now, Im just trying to adjust to post-high
school living, all this graduation hoopla, and getting ready for college. So
many people Ive talked to in the last day alone.

The new Rolling Stone issue arrived today. I remember reading an article on
cnn.com or something, which told about how Rolling Stone magazine will be
going through some changes. When I heard about these changes, before I
saw the new issue of RS, I was both excited and terrified at the same time.
Excited, in the fact that theyre making it more contemporary. And terrified,
out of the paranoid suspicion that Rolling Stone might try to compromise
their literary integrity. I have grown through my teen years with that
magazine after all, like many others before me. But I opened up the new
issue, and Im glad to say that for the most part, I loved it. Its still managed
to keep that iconoclastic edge to it, along with the bit of counterculture feel
its often been known for having, yet its writers still hold their reverence
towards respectable and established musicians, only now they seem to hold
more acknowledgement for youth and contemporary musicians as well. This
was issue #897.

I guess Ill end this off by saying, Where the fuck have I been during the last
couple weeks. I feel like a different person than I was a couple weeks ago.
Am tired right now. Im going to bed.

P a g e | 1200

I like the idea of rocking the masses, as some say. Today is the big day. Ill
be going to the graduation ceremony today, so I wont be writing much.
Honestly, I just want to get this fucking thing over with.
Its kind of cool thinking that in a way, Im from both the North and the
South. Im northern born and southern raised, which is very cool.

Well, Im back home, and I now have my high school diploma from high
school. It was a big ceremony, and I was the second person who had to walk
up to do everything. I was so ridiculously nervous when I first walked up to
my seat. We had to walk from the back of the room, down a middle aisle,
through a crowd of about 250 or 300 parents and kids, on both sides. That
doesnt sound like that many people, but it was a large crowd. Since I was
the first guy who walked out, pretty much everyone in the room was trying
to get a look at me. It was like being a fish in a fishbowl, but was still cool. I
dont think Ive ever had that much attention drawn on me before in my
entire life. It was like everyone was watching my entire move. It was kind of
weird. I felt like a celebrity. It was really amazing. Before we walked out,
we were all standing around in our blue graduation gowns, tassels, caps, and
medal things, as they were trying to line us all up in alphabetical order.
There were about 50 graduates in all.

It got kind of weird, because there was this reporter lady, a journalist with a
ponytail, brownish hair, and thick dark glasses. She was taking a bunch of
pictures of Kathryn (the first person to go up, who was also from my
school), myself, and the girl behind me who I didnt know. The reporter had
a large fancy-looking camera, and was taking a bunch of picture of the three
of us. It felt like the paparazzi. She got in my face at one point, and asked
me what plans I had for after high school. I tried to smile, and told her I was
going to a college, an art school. I got to see a lot of people I knew there,
talk to them, hear them congratulate me on graduation, and congratulate the
people I knew who were also graduating. Got to see Kathryn, Lorelei and
her boyfriend Alex (not the one from school, but a different, middle easternlooking guy from New York City), Rachel and her family, as well as her
extremely beautiful sister, Lela. I thought Lela was very attractive. My god.
Norman, Adam, Mrs. Toner and her husband Mr. Hatfield, Mrs. Brannan,
Mrs. Edwards, Briwho got in big trouble for fighting with Kyle, John

P a g e | 1201

Hall and his lovely girlfriend, named Christina. John H is white, and his
girlfriend is some kind of Asian nationality. Im not sure which one, and
didnt ask, probably because I thought it would be rude. Maybe Korean,
Japanese, or Chinese. She was very pretty, and a kind person. John is a lucky
man. The whole event was very cool. At first, there werent many people in
the main room when we waited for dinner before the ceremony, but it turned
out that we ended up sitting next to people at our table and knew most of
them. At our table sat Mom, Dad, myself, Lorelei, Alex, Rachel, and
Rachels family. They were all very nice people. We all ate dinner together,
and it was a very fun time. I felt uncomfortable at first, sitting there with just
Mom and Dad, but I felt a lot more comfortable when everyone got to our
table. It was about a three-hour ride to get to the yacht club. However I
didnt like the idea of going to a ceremony that was so formal, expensive,
and fancy, with all those rich people there. God. Im sure there were some
very rich people in that room, but I didnt think about it at the time.
Personally, I thought it was kind of ridiculous how I had to dress up really
fancy with my family, so that me along with all the people there, who also
arent rich, like my family, could pretend we were fucking millionaires. I
think I actually said that backstage to Norman and Adam at one point. They
agreed, and knew exactly where I was coming from. Sure theres some
snobbery that goes on with some of those people, but most are very nice,
very normal people. I felt very comfortable there. Actually, there have been
some very poor classmates in my school. I was really glad to see Lorelei at
our table, getting to spend time with people, because she actually doesnt
really have parents. I dont know the whole story, but Ive recently been told
that shes a foster child who is pretty much out on her own. Shes living with
Mrs. Toner and Mrs. Brannan right now, because her parents, for some
reason or another, made her leave the house and told her she had to move to
New York (long story, which I dont know entirely), but shes staying in
Florida for now instead, because shes said that thats where all her support
has been. One could probably not tell that shes a foster child just by
observing her manner. Shes an amazing girl, because shes so damn
cheerful, even though she seems to have some kind of a shitty parental or
legal guardian situation. Mom and Dad have told me shell definitely have a
tough life. And thats just one of the people I know who has it tough. I mean,
God, I look at her, and I see how lucky I really am. To have ended up with
adoptive parents who love me so very much, even though I dont really look
white to many, and Im not of their own blood. They dont care about any of
that surface shit though (thank God). Theyve loved me, raised me, nurtured
me, supported me, and watched me (as well as did all these things to my

P a g e | 1202

brother as well) grow up, just like someones birth parents would. As far as
Im concerned, they are my real parents. I still hold a bit ofbitterness and
frustration towards my biological mother and father. Theyre not my
fucking parents. Theyve never known me or raised me, like parents should.
They dont know what I look like now, and obviously dont even know my
fucking name, so how could they be my parents? Mom and Dad are the ones
who care about me and love me. Theyre the ones Ive learned everything
from. This is what I believe. Honestly. Those asshole biological
motherfuckers sealed their records, so obviously they really dont want me
to find them, probably because theres a lot of bullshit behind that story,
which I probably, deep down, dont really want to know about, because Id
be disgusted. I know Im sounding like Im lacking compassion here, but
thinking about that whole thing just makes me feel angry. Im probably just
venting right now.

Its 10:48 right now, and we just got finished with our open house. A lot of
people showed up. All kinds of people Ive known. Many of them didnt
know each other. It was a great time, a lot of eating food. Lot of drinking
beer, though I and all the other people under 21 didnt have any. It was a lot
of fun. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Everyones gone now
though.

I counted all my graduation money earlier. I was pretty shocked. I think I

have somewhere right around $550. Ill be putting a lot of it in the bank. But
Im also planning on buying CDs, comic books, and books. Can probably
get art supplies later. I think Ill also be buying a black DJ Shadow tee shirt,
which I think looks really cool.

Basically everyone I currently know has been very happy and proud to see
me graduate. Pretty much everyones said Congratulations. Im pretty sure
everyone knows that Ill be going to the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale. I
cant wait to grow my goatee back, ever since Mom made me shave it off for
graduation.

P a g e | 1203

Everyone has asked me what I plan on doing for a career. Thats always kind
of a tough question for me to answer, because I dont really have it planned
out yet. Ive got all kinds of things I want to do, but I first must see what Im
best at. So far, what Ive thought of is digital animator, traditional animator,
script writer for television and film, videogame designer, webmaster,
novelist, poet, painter, guitarist, drummer, singer, songwriter, comic book
writer, comic book artist, animation show creator, producer, illustrator, film
director, article writer, and philosopher. The one problem I see with the
mainstream literary marketplace, as far as deep books are concerned, is that
there hasnt been a book like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance to
come out since, well, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance! I think
the last deep author to break out commercially was the Dalai Lama himself.
I guess this is aside from the best-selling physics books, written by Stephen
Hawking and Brian Greene.

Now that Ive had somewhat of a taste of fame, Im not sure if I want to live
my life in the public eye, like someone such as Steven Spielberg, Madonna,
Robert Crumb, Richard Gere, Stan Lee, Tim Burton, Woody Allen, George
Lucas, Rivers Cuomo, or Sean Lennon. Im just not sure if I want to live like
that. I like being able to walk around outside in public and go places,
without having to deal with crowds and sign my name a lot of times. Sure
Ill probably attempt to write a book one day and perhaps go into making
some small budget films, but Im not sure exactly how much publicity I
want to have. I guess if Ive realized anything from going to my graduation,
its that its obviously no longer a secret that Ive gone toand graduated
fromthe Center Academy private high school. Everyone heard my name,
and saw me get my diploma. After all that attention, I think a lot of people
know whats up. Its like I feel like I can no longer even keep what high
school Ive gone to a secret anymore. Thats kind of weird. I didnt really
want everyone to know, but they do. Life is certainly changing. It will
probably be harder and harder to keep a secret later in life.

Also, my x-teacher, simply will not let me forget about Zounds! or Circus
Ninja! This is probably true. Also, Ive thought up some story whatever
titles. They is My Date With A Mystic. Both the titles pretty much explain
the story premises. One is about someone who has a thing against the big
MS, and the other is about a woman who goes on a date with some guy
whos a spiritual genius, like Gandhi, Ken Wilber, or whatnot. I thought it

P a g e | 1204

would be interesting. Theyre both weird concepts. Ive questioned what I

usually do, but then I heard about Michael Moores new upcoming film,
which will be entered in the Cannes Film Festival, and it made me very
interested in it. Its about guns in America, and I think it actually makes
reference to Columbine. I heard about it on TV, and thought, Now theres
something no ones probably done before. I thought it was a creative
concept, and it sounds like people still do make creative and original film
concepts.

Well, some new stuff happened today. Probably both good things in my
view. Yesterday, I counted all my money, and it turned out I ended up with
$755. So needless to say, I bought a lot of CDs at Park Avenue Compact
Discs today. I purchased 7 in all. I think thats the largest amount of CDs
Ive ever purchased in one outing so far. So far Ive gotten to listen to about
3 of the CDs all the way through. Theyre all really good so far. Lets just
say Ill have some good music to keep me busy for a long time

Albums that were purchased today: Quarashi: Jinx, The White Stripes:
White Blood Cells, Weezer: Maladroit, MOTH: Provisions, Fiction, and
Gear, Tenacious D: Tenacious D, Andrew W.K.: I Get Wet, and Moby: 18.

Aside from this, my graduation picture ended up in the Sunday issue of the
Seminole section of The Orlando Sentinel. Actually, the photo didnt turn
out all that bad. The photo got printed at a bigger size than we expected. I
ended up being the salutatorian, and it said my full name as well as what
college I was planning to attend. When Dad and I went to the CD store, Im
not sure if people who craned their heads to look at me as we drove by them
were recognizing me from the picture in the newspaper or something. I
couldnt tell whether I was famous or not. Nah. I dont think Im
famousyet anyway. Yep, its definitely not a secret anymore that Im a
graduate from Center Academy. Not when theres an entire small section
devoted to me in a newspaper, which has informed everyone Im the 2002
salutatorian at that school. It even listed the schools web address. I guess
Ill just have to learn to adjust. I didnt purposefully try to get my picture in
the paper. It just kind of ended up that way.

P a g e | 1205

The thing that I like about Park Avenue Compact Discs is that when youre
walking down the aisles, sometimes youll see these cute little indie rocklooking chicks that, honestly, Id love to take on a date.
Having as much compassion as someone like the enlightened Buddha, Lao
Tzu, Confucius, the prophet Muhammad, Moses of Egypt, or Jesus Christ of
Nazareth is pretty much impossible, unless youre an enlightened spiritual
genius of some kind, sort of like Mohandas K. Gandhi or Martin Luther
King. That would certainly help. If you were one of those, someone should
probably give you the Nobel Peace Prize, because you are without a doubt a
rare find.

Now that I think about it, Im not sure if I really want to work for the Walt
Disney Company. I might be able to conquer the world without the Disney
Corporation. As a matter of fact, perhaps one day I could steal a healthy
amount of patronage and revenue that would otherwise have gone to the
Disney Corporation. Thats what Steven Spielberg, The Beatles, Madonna,
Eminem, Bill Gates, Norman Rockwell, Tim Burton, Stan Lee, Todd
McFarlane, Jerry Seinfeld, JK Rowling, George Lucas, Ernest Hemingway,
Chuck Jones, and Stephen King have done. So have a lot of platinum selling
writers and musicians. Theyve all made millions without having to work for
a corporation (where youre often nothing more than a disposable member of
a staff).

Not everything has to be cartoony, whimsical, animated, colorful,

capitalistic, and family friendly. Id be scared to live in a world where everything was like that. Who really wants to be a member of some organization,
anyway? Dont we all want some sort of an identity?

P a g e | 1206

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 70

P a g e | 1207

May 2002
Well, all the graduation celebration and ceremony is over. The majority of it
was really great. Now its Monday, Mom and Dad are at work, and Grandma
is staying at our house for today, which will be the last day shell be visiting
us on for a while. Its been pretty fun having her stay here.

After listening to all of my CDs, I have to say almost all of them are very
good. The only CD I really have a problem with is the Moby 18 album. This
is quite possibly one of the most boring and unbearably slow alternative
rock albumsand definitely the most boring Moby albumIve ever
heard in my life. I fell asleep listening to it half way through the first time I
heard it, but I had just woken up though. Play was so much better. There
were an okay amount of great songs on Play. But Im not sure if Ive heard
any that I really like very much at all on 18. We Are All Made of Stars has
great lyrics, but thats about as far as Id go. The rest, from what Ive heard
so far, seem like pretty much all snoozers. To me, it sounds a lot more like a
new age album than a Moby album. At least my other 6 CDs keep my
attention. Also, the essay or two on 18 werent even really essays. It seemed
more like a two part tangent about why its so hard to write an essay after
youve been updating your website so much, and asking the listener to
asking at least listen to the record in its entirety at least once. Personally, I
think if the album was as good as Moby hoped it would be, I dont think
hed really have to ask such a thing of the listener, because theyd want to
anyway, even without his recommendation. I purchased 18 at the CD store
without listening to it beforehand, hoping that it would at least be as good as
his original breakout effort. That was quite a big mistake. Im sad to say that
the record doesnt even come close to the originality or appeal of the Play
album. It was a waste of money. I realize that Moby has transcended the title
of one hit wonder after he did We Are All Made of Stars, and such a
feat is worthy of respect, but after listening to 18, something tells me
perhaps he should have been a one hit wonder instead, as to save the
listening public the difficulty of having to listen to that album. Horrible. Just
freaking horrible. Ill pretty much always try to give an album a chance, and

P a g e | 1208

will try to look past negative criticisms of it, as to develop my own opinion,
which has been unfettered by others biases, but my own bias has made me
decide that I pretty much hate that album. Maybe I was hoping it would have
a much faster pace at least some of the time, but basically all of the songs are
extremely slow, except Made of Stars and maybe Jam For The
Ladies, even though that song sounded as bad as a lot of the stuff youll
hear on modern R&B or hip-hop stations.

Weezers Maladroit was at least five or six times better than Mobys 18,
when one compares to two artists new albums to their old ones. I absolutely
loved Maladroit. I think it may actually have the largest amount of Weezer
songs I like out of any of their albums. On any of Weezers albums, Ive
always been able to find at least two songs on the album that I really love,
even if I dont like the other half of them or more (which was kind of the
case with the Green Album). But on Maladroit, I found a lot more than just
two that I liked. I definitely view Keep Fishin as a new Weezer Classic.
Dope Nose is a really great radio playlist song too. I certainly view
Maladroit as one of Weezers most brilliantly crafted albums. Rivers Cuomo
has gone back to putting that extra bit of pathos into his singing, and it really
makes the songs sound great.

Interesting chicks to date would be Playboy models, porn actresses,

strippers, groupies, and gothic or punk rock chicks. Im not sure if Id ever
date any of these types of girls. In a way, I do think the majority of these
types of women are often very physically attractive. Theyre the type of girls
Id probably be both ashamed and honored to be able to have sex with. I
could probably never introduce them to my mom, like a true punk kid.

I think the scariest thing about a time like nowafter high schoolis that if
I werent going to college, this would probably be the rest of my life, where
Id either stay at home and do nothing, or go out and find some kind of
employment. Guess Ive kind of learned that finding creative employment
after high school is not as easy as it sounded at first. Id start writing a novel,
but Im still trying to gather ideas. After Grandma goes, Ill probably return
to reading, writing essays, drawing, and sleeping throughout the day.

P a g e | 1209

Is there anything as too much knowledge of the self? Is there any such thing
as to little knowledge of the self? These are questions to ponder.
You know, I think I want to be known as an entertainer of some sort, not as
some important thinker or twenty-first century philosopher for the new
millennium. I know I occasionally think philosophical thoughts, but that
doesnt mean I want to be a revered philosopher whos put up there with the
likes of Nietzsche, Sartre, Wittgenstein, and Kant, like Robert M. Pirsig and
Gao Xingjian have been. Titles like those are reserved for supreme,
universal geniuses, and Im not one of them. People expect the guys who
graduate Harvard University to be able to live up to expectations like that.
People expect so much of guys and girls who go to Harvard, simply because
the people who are able to attend the school usually have such goddam high
grade point averages, or GPAs. Im not really all that smart. I may have been
the salutatorian graduate at my high school, but my GPA was only about 3.5.
Its nothing to gawk at. Ive never really tried to measure my spiritual or
creative I.Q. I might like to. I think my regular I.Q. is 120, 130, or
something like that. I was in some gifted classes at South Seminole Middle
School and Lyman, but Center Academy didnt have any gifted or
honors classes. Everyone kind of learns together in a couple rooms, except
they separate the middle school from the high school, though. G.P.A.
doesnt say everything, obviously. The Valedictorian at Center, Norman, is
planning to attend Seminole Community College, which is a college many
high school dropouts with G.E.D.s have gone to. Ive known plenty of kids
who were labeled smart by the academic system, have seen them grow up
through middle and high school, but nonetheless went on after high school to
work at places like K-Mart, Target, Publix, etc. These various gifted kids
have gone to both private and public schools, and I doubt the majority of
them will go on to become millionaire celebrities, either. Im not saying Im
glad to suspect that. I just state it matter-of-factly. Pretty much all the adults
I know assume one needs college to become a millionaire, or just to become
a successful person in the real working world. I bought into this at first, but
after reading an enlightening business book, my entire perspective got
changed. It was amazing and great. Fucking outstanding. I think everyone
should purchase a copy of that book and read it at least two times. Thats
what I did. Basically, the point the book tries to get across is that it wont
necessarily make you a millionaire just by reading it, but it does try to tell
you that what your G.P.A. is in high school and college is not as important
as how well and intelligently you apply yourself to the real world and a

P a g e | 1210

unique, specialized vocation. I think people would have a lot more hope if
they knew these things. Just because you didnt do well in school doesnt
mean that youll necessarily be doomed to a low income-earning life.
The last three days or so of my life have been really great. I dont think Ive
ever felt so loved in my life. I think at least 20 or 30 people have come up to
me, and said Congratulations. I even got a congratulations email from
Andy Scott, whos still going to Center Academy. Hes a grade or a few
grades below me, but still a cool friend.

I sometimes wonder if Im a rebel of some sort.

Listening to Tenacious D right now. Tribute I really like that song,

especially when the guitars pick up. Wonderboy is an amazing song too,
and so are a lot of songs on that album. Jack Black and Kyle do make some
pretty damn brilliant comedic rock music. Sort of reminds me of the band
Barenaked Ladies. They sort of resemble that group, except they use a lot
more curse words and graphic terms. That doesnt subtract from the quality
of their melodies though. I think Dave Grohl (of Foo Fighters) actually is the
one who plays the electric guitar on all of the really instrumental songs,
including Wonderboy, Tribute, Friendship, Karate, and City Hall,
I think. Thats funny though, since Tenacious D doesnt sound anything like
Foo Fighters at all.

Fuck! Still got to call Elizabeth. I love her. I think she gave me her number,
like, 7 days ago. I wonder if shes wondering why I havent called her. I sort
of hope so. I like the thought of some girl waiting for me to call her, because
thats never happened before, so maybe there can be a first. I want to tell her
I love her and want to make sweet love to her. I felt a real connection with
her. Lots of bitches probably want me, but they cant have me. Elizabeths
not even close to being a bitch, but if she wants me, she can have me. I
sound like a Homey G here, but that is kind of true. I like being a partial
loner and partial geek. I do like comic books, classical music, some gothic
comics, fantasy books, art appreciation, literature, and role-playing
videogames. And I also wear glasses. You wouldnt expect women to like
geeks, but a decent amount of women do. I have intelligence, creativity,

P a g e | 1211

skill, kindness, spiritual intelligence, and a sense of humor. Some women

like these things, probably. My tastes in music and books are very eclectic. I
could also probably lie and say that Ive gotten famous by being in The
Orlando Sentinel, featured as a 2002 salutatorian, but that wouldnt be true.
Im not really famous, although I think Id kind of like to be
sometimesone day. Just not now. Not while Im trying to attend college
and pass courses for the next three years.

I think Im still getting my energy back from that post-graduation Open

House. To hell with Open House. It was really more like a partyLately,
Ive been considering whether or not I should try smoking weed one day,
just to see what it feels like. Im not really sure. If its not habit forming, I
might. Im not sure if I ever want to try it even once, but Im thinking about
it. If someone I know one day offers me a joint, I might take a puff or two,
but I think that would be about it. Marijuana is not really one of those habits
I want to start. Im just not sure if I really want to die not knowing what it
feels like being high. Ive always wondered what that feels like. Perhaps Ill
find out one day, but if not, that would probably be okay. Right now, Im
perfectly happy with Diet Pepsi cans, water, and coffee.

Man, I remember all those kids who used to pick on me in middle and high
school. I should be laughing at them in their faces right now. Im conquering
the whole goddam world. They will probably attain obscurity, while I will
hopefully make something of myself. Wouldnt that be nice? Ive gotten my
photograph published in a local section of The Orlando Sentinel, everyone I
know has been congratulating me about the graduation thing, Ive gotten
over $750 for graduation money, I ended up the salutatorian of my high
school, I got a really pretty girls number from my part-time local art class,
Ive received one of the 2002 Whos Who Among American High School
Students awards, have gotten a large money amount from Vocational Rehab
to go towards paying for my college education, Ive gotten accepted at a
statewide art school in Fort Lauderdale, Im handling my anxiety a lot better,
and byI thinkthe age of 17, Ive gotten two paid commissions for
illustrations of my artwork, two of which got published in a popular national
psychotherapy book. And I think thats just in the last few months. As far as
fan mail is concerned, I dont care if I ever get any. It took me long enough
just to look though all the graduation cards I got in the mail from friends and
relatives, and I got a lot, but didnt really get a ton.

P a g e | 1212

Am feeling a lot less pretentious than I did in the past.

Went in for a doctors checkup today.

You know what drives me?I know what drives meSatan!Ha ha! Just
jokin. Im not sure what Im driven by. Grandma constantly tells me lately
that my artistic drawing ability is a gift from God. I kind of just nod, and say
Yeah, hoping shell change the subject, so that we wont have to linger on
the topic of God. In a certain sense, I dont believe in God. Think its bogus,
as a matter of fact. But in another sense, I may perhaps believe in a kind of
GodPraise Allah!Ha ha! Just jokin again, you gullible motherfucker.
Id probably be most happy if no one ever found out what I believed. That
way, no one would have the chance to misconstrue my convictions and
beliefs. Id rather not have people debating over what my religious
affiliation was, because overall, thats relatively unimportant. What matters
is how much one helps other people. Compassion, kindness, altruism,
empathy, and love are all part of the keys

I might smoke marijuana one day, like John Lennon, Jim Mahfood, Kevin
Smith, Quentin Tarantino, Stephen King, Tenacious D, Dave Matthews,
Ludacris, and Eminem, but Im not sure. I dont want to end up as one of
those burnouts or potheads with shadowy rings around their eyes, that
always say, Dude or Like all the time. Maybe Ill end up as one of those
writers who say, Its okay to try weed, and Legalize pot, you cocklicking
politicians! That would be weird. I do, however, know that there is some
high school teenage guys out there who do nothing more than jack off and
smoke pot in their bedrooms all day, while their parents sit there in a
different room, knowing what theyre doing, but not caring. I have more
constructive things to do than that. Doing those two things cant really be
applied to a profession. Theyre pretty much just for pleasure. Sometimes,
though, I wonder what it feels like to attempt drawing pictures and writing
essays when youre intoxicated. Ive just now begun wondering if any
famous philosophers of the past tried marijuana at one or more points.

P a g e | 1213

Im not sure if I want to be viewed by others as a great artist or a great

writer. Im more accustomed to be asked to cut down on my eating habits
than I am to being viewed as the second coming of Norman Rockwell,
Ernest Hemingway, or some other bullshit like that. I like having normal
conversations, not ones where someones constantly asking me how much
money Im making, how many copies such-and-such a work has sold, or
what project Im working on currently. And Im not sure if I want to get fifty
to a hundred or more emailsand even more snail mail lettersa day
asking the very same thing.

Man. This journal really makes me seem like I have a foul mouth. I dont
think its really like that. I think its more that Im learned to not be so afraid
of freedom of speech.

Its 9:38 p.m. right now, and for some reason, I was drawn to this word
processor once again. Ive been writing for, like, three or so days nonstop.
All this writing has been great. I showed some of my drawings to Grandma,
and she really loved them. They brought tears to her eyes, she was so happy.
It was very moving to see her react that way. Its really inspired me to want
to get back to the drawing table many times before college.

Jesus. Christ! The world is changing so much. I feel so lucky to get to be

18 years old and graduated from high school by the year 2002, just after
September 11th, when Im at a more reasonable age to comprehend changing
national circumstances. There used to be good stuff on TV. Now the only
thing Ill really watch is music videos, some cartoons, and various CNN
things occasionally. It seems like everything on TV now is geared to specific
demographics, and nothing else. They include very young children, preteens,
trendy teenagers, geeks, R-Rated movie and porn fanatics (premium cable),
over-the-hill senior citizens (with TV Land, Turner Classic Movies, and
Nick At Night), and middle age working class people. Maybe I can make
some good shows that transcend demographics, so that a few people will
have something to entertain them. Often the best shows can appeal to pretty
much anyone. That would explain why Seinfeld, The X-Files, Ren & Stimpy,
The Simpsons, and Beavis & Butt-Head got so popular. Many different kinds
of people loved these shows. X-Files wasnt just for sci-fi geeks. It was an

P a g e | 1214

intelligent one-hour weekly drama series, with a lot of universal appeal. All
three shows are cancelled now, sadly. Im not trying to become a god, a
legend, a leader, a celebrity, an entrepreneur, or an icon. I just want to be
able to one day make a living at what I love doing, and make a quality
product. Right now, Im not worried about if people will remember who I
am 30 or 70 years after I were to become successful, if that happened at all.
Cynthia has told me that I should give my ability to be successful more
credit. Ive never really give much thought into how many people might one
day see my work, and I guess that includes this journal. If I ever get to
create, write, and produce a television series or any kind, Id want it to be
able to appeal to pretty much anybody. Anyone who likes fun, creative, and
entertaining televisionOK. Now lets go out back and smoke some hash
with bin Laden and the Al Qaeda brainwashees. Maybe itll give him some
more inspiration to try destroying other peoples happiness, especially if
theyre rich, filthy American heathens. (Hee hee!) Or maybe I can go over to
the Afghanistan caves and have a smoke session with Osama and company.
That last statement [about smoking the hash] made no sense, but Im OK
with that. Yep. Women want guys like bin LadenThey want (to kill) him,
and want do various (painful) things to his testicles, which they would enjoy
very much. Oh man. Im going to have a few good laughs thinking about
these written words tonight.

Dad has probably not been having anywhere near enough sex lately. That
might explain why he always shouts at everybody in this house, including
Grandma, who just turned 80 a couple days ago. He is being a dickhead right
now, claiming that I couldnt hear anything going on in the house before he
left, when I didnt even have my headphones on before seven or so minutes
agoDont get me wrong. For the most part, I like my family, but theyre
not cool in the slightest, including my brother, even though he wears things
like Tommy Hilfiger and Polo. Sure my parents are very supportive of my
pursuits most of the time, and Andrew probably admires my intelligence
and creative ability, but theyre very normal people. Im much more
unconventional than them. I realized that I couldnt always listen to them
about how to pursue my potential careers. The reason being that if I saw
people like them on television all the time, I would probably not look up to
those people, follow their work, want to send fanmail to them or get their
autograph. Theyd be more like some people youd see in the background of
a local news report. I dont view them as creative or personality inspirations
like I do people like Jhonen Vasquez, Jack Black, Stephen King, Steven

P a g e | 1215

Spielberg, Frank McCourt, Daniel C. Dennett, Ken Wilber, Dave Eggers,

Robert M. Pirsig, Tim Burton, Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino, Yoshitaka
Amano, Jamie Hewlett, Thom Yorke, Michael Moore, Rivers Cuomo, Robin
Williams, Hemingway, the Dalai Lama, Trent Reznor, etc. And honestly, I
dont think parents would fully want to have any of those people for
teenagers growing up, either. Because theyd have trouble understanding
them completely, just like the trouble my parents sometimes have
understanding me. I think the thing Ive come to terms with is the fact that,
probably, most of the time, people like those werent really meant to be
understood completely by their friends and family. Im sure theyve
sometimes scared the people who know them the most personally. They
were meant to be understood and accepted for the universal appeal of their
work, by people like me, who find their work in the store or movie theatre
one day, and just kind of get it. They get what theyre trying to do. Its very
tough to explain, but I understand it completely. I mean, how exactly could
you explain titles like Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Integral Psychology
(Ken Wilber), Cock Pushups or Fuck Her Gently (Tenacious D) to your
parents. Im sure my parents would not approve of my casual opinions about
sex, curse words, and marijuana, but Im sure other people would. Well, I
dont even know if those people would approve, but I know they would
probably not be as apprehensive, because they are the audience to a certain
extent. Theyre not my parents.

In a way, this somewhat small room, where I sit on the computer and type in
this journalwhenever the doors are closed and Im hard at workis my
own portal to a macrocosm of a creative universe.

Not sure what else to write about right now. Not to worry though. Its only
11:35 a.m. right now.

When this particular person thinks about painting, he realizes he has a long
way to go until he gets great at it. The paintings Ive done recently are
somewhat weak. They are my first attempts. I dont see them as so bad when
I consider my partial colorblindness, but Im not all that impressed by them
at all when I think of the works of Norman Rockwell, Dean Cornwell,
Thomas Eakins, Leonardo da Vinci, Vincent van Gogh, Claude Monet,

P a g e | 1216

Pablo Picasso, Raphael, Michelangelo, Yoshitaka Amano, Frank Cho,

Gustav Klimt, and Eugene Delacroix, and many, many others. The cool
thing is, Amano and Cho were both greatly influenced by Klimt, and theyre
considered to be some of the true geniuses of contemporary painting in
sequential art, or comic booksGod. I do a lot of celebrity name-dropping
in this journal.

I would really love to direct and layout something visually. It could probably
either be animated or live action. Actually, Id probably like to try both at
one point or another. Its just that I dont just have words in my head. I also
have a lot of visual ideas, as well as audible ones. It seems to be more of a
matte of executing them. I think a better knowledge of cameras and
computers would surely help the work Ill produce in the future. Might have
to start out shooting my own mini-films and practicing shots with a semicheap digital camera. Stephens the one who helped me learn about digital
cameras, and hes probably right. They might very well be the way of the
future for live action filmmaking. CGI is certainly the way of the future for
mainstream Hollywood, big-budget filmmaking. It seems very much like
more than 40% of the 100 top-grossing films of all time have used a large
amount of digital animation in them at one at least one point in the film. As a
matter of fact, a healthy amount of the top-grossing films of all time are
entirely digitally animated, most of them from the Pixar company. But
theres also Shrek, which wasnt just fancy computer animation and nothing
else. It was a great film all around. Extremely fun and enjoyable to watch.
Completely hilarious and involving. Ive watched it about two or three times
so far, but thats a lot for me, because I often dont watch movies at all.
Kevin Smith really loved Shrek as well, as he wrote in one of his message
board posts on his official View Askew company website.

You know, Nelson Mandela and Albert Schweitzer must have been and must
still beMandela is still alive, I thinkextremely cool people. Both have
done a lot for humanitarian causes and many suffering people who have
lived in the continent of Africa, as well as suffering people in other places of
the world.

P a g e | 1217

So many people are scared of the spotlight, or limelight. Back when I

posted on message boards at what was pretty much a consistent pace, ever
since I started posting, Ive noticed that on many message boards, the
majority of people who read the boards do not post, or list their name, or
website, or email address. Its not really that big of a deal to post on a
message board. I guess that shows how afraid some people are of ending up
in the spotlight. People are afraid of public scrutiny, and criticisms. They
dont have the courage to withstand bad reviews, insults, etc. Im only like
that when it comes to my most personal thoughts, or very personal
information about my life, such as my short stay in a Florida psychiatric
hospital, which Ive written about before in this journal. Some people are
very afraid of becoming celebrities, living a life in the public eye, constantly
being surrounded by attention, and/or have pressure put on them to perform
or contribute something. I think I while ago, I got over this fear. If I were
afraid of public scrutiny of criticisms of myself or my work (which is open
to whichever way one decides to perceive it), I would never have started
posting on message boards, calling 100,000 watt talk radio stations under
very bizarre identities, or want to write books, or direct mainstream films.
Anything like that. Id be afraid of it all. Some people just dont think they
can handle all the expectation, scrutiny, and attention. Some people dont
want all that shit. But really. Who can blame them? I realize that I do have
some courage, but major Hollywood actors and talk show hosts have a lot
more courage than I do. It does take a certain amount of courage to live life
in the public eye. I have no idea if Ill end up being famous than the other
people I know, and am not expecting to. Still, its really gotta suck having all
your, shall we say, less admirable drug habits chronicled in a fucking
publication like The National Enquirer, or some other tabloid magazine like
that, which can ruin peoples lives, and does just that nearly daily. Once you
become someone like Madonna, its like Youre not even a person
anymore, as Rosie ODonnell said quite concisely on Behind The Music (or
at least I think it was that show. Sometimes I worry about this journal being
a bit too personal. I worry that someone might discover it one day, along
with many others, and Id end up filling it up with too much personal
information about myself. Ive had one photo in a local part of The Orlando
Sentinel no more than four days ago, where it was seen by an estimated
readership of somewhere around 72,000 people, I think. That was
overwhelming enough. Life has been really great, but its also been kind of
weird lately. Should probably not even bother trying to do the Hiroaki
Samura or J.D. Salinger routine, where you try to stay invisible. Actually, I
dont really know what I should do.

P a g e | 1218

Havent written an essay in quite some time. Would really like to get back to
doing thatJust got an email from Andy Scott. He might do really well after
high school. I heard from him hes interested in the culinary arts, which is
cool. Being interested in cooking doesnt make you any different than
anyone else.

There are so many people to thank for what Ive achieved so far. So many
people who have helped me achieve so much more than Id be completely
able to alone. Usually, when I speak to someone, Ill not start off boasting or
talking about my accomplishments. Ill usually not resort to bringing those
up, unless someone brings it up for me. I do believe strongly in humility and
modesty. I dont try to be a boastful egomaniac. Sure I write about myself
quite a bit in this journal, but this is my personal journal, and Im not really
writing this for anyone else. I look up to a lot of other people, but that
doesnt mean Im writing for them, even though I love them and respect
them all to death. Still deciding what charities I want to give donations to if I
make extra money. Personally, I have no idea why some people seem so
impressed when I tell them I read classic and some contemporary philosophy
books. I think more people should read those kinds of books. Theyre great,
and its fun to think of the things in them. The perception of being and
nothingness can be analyzed so many different ways. Consciousness is such
a very broad topic.

And thus was the end of the email, which was sent to him a few days ago. I
love those times when I get to at least attempt a communication with a
person I greatly admire, because such a thing does not happen all too often. I
probably came off as a compulsive/obsessive stalker, but I dont care. At
least I got to tell him that I think his work is cool. I have yet to receive a
reply, but thats OK. Theres a good chance he might be getting a lot of
emails each day.

P a g e | 1219

Probably not much else to write about tonight, but Ill try anyway.

Grandma left this morning, and headed back home to her apartment in
Illinois. She got to her home a while ago, actually. Todays journal entry
was just okay, I suppose. Ive made a commitment to write for a decent
amount of time on each day I dont have to do something else. I cant get
over how great I think Weezers new album, Maladroit, is.

Have just recently learned about a Chinese philosophy that goes according to
the ideology of an old Chinese political figure. Its called Maoism, and I
think its on the same kind of level as Marxism. Have not done enough
research on it to make any conclusive statements, so I wont make any
conclusive statements.

I have been developing a writing style over time, but the style I have pretty
primitive when compared to the likes of Hemingway, John Steinbeck,
Charles Dickens, Jean-Paul Sartre, Stephen King, William Strunk, Frank
McCourt, Dave Eggers, and T.S. Eliot. I dont consider my literary voice to
be innovative. If it ever does, it would take it a while to get to the level of
being original. Im not seeing too much of a resemblance to the style of any
published writer Im familiar with, but just because it seems this way to me
doesnt mean that its become original yet. I may have written more than
1,000 pages so far (Im sure how many exactly), but that doesnt mean Ive
come anywhere close to what Im trying to aim for. Im an OK writer. Im
not on the level of being a great writer currently, even if I do a lot of writing
on some days. So far, Ive written a little over 3,380 words today in this
journal entry, and am approaching 7 pages, which I think might be a new
record. If I had started with a direction, and was more consistent with
coming up with things to write about, Id probably be able to write more. It
would be nice if putting words on a blank screen was my full time job,
because Id be having a healthy amount of output, but its not time for that
yet. This is just something Im doing to occupy my time and entertain
myself for practice, while Im resting in preparation for the Art Institute of
Fort Lauderdale. One day, I may sit down and write with the direct intent of
publication, but its just for personal enjoyment now. Its 8:07 p.m.
currently, so I still have some time left before Ill probably start to get tired,

P a g e | 1220

which often happens around 10:00 or 11:00 at night. (Currently listening to:
Quarashi. Have the song Stick Em Up on repeat play)
It does seem kind of weird that I started this journal two days ago. Its
bizarre that more than three fourths of a single journal file could go by that
fast, considering the fact that all these journal files are around 20 pages, give
or take a couple less or extra. I forgot how much Stephen King writers in a
normal single workday. Hopefully, Im getting closer to the amount he
writes. I seriously doubt Ill ever get to be as prolific as hedoubt I will
ever write anywhere near 50 different booksbut I do hope to create a lot of
writing and art during my lifetime. Ive created a decent amount so far, but
Im always hoping to improve. Hopefully, in a while, Ill be able to
eventually make it past computer Journal #100. 71% of the way there, so Im
getting closer.

Its somewhat tough to say how long Ive been writing for so far. Ive been
writing various stuff (both serious, and without taking it seriously) since
middle school during the late 1990s. Wrote my first semi-thought out short
story for a middle school assignmentwhich I can actually remember
wellin 1997. It was called The Truth About Cats and DogsAnd Aliens,
about two rival pets in New York City that belonged to the same old lady.
The premises revolved around what happened when they were abducted by
aliens. It was ridiculously cartoony. To the point of being ludicrous. But I
had a lot of fun writing it, got an A+ on it (I think) and my classmates really
liked it and thought it was funny. It was not well written, by any means. But
it was a beginning. Perhaps even the beginning.

Jesus. I thought I was done writing for tonight, but some other things
happened. Mom had a bit too much wine to drink, and felt sure she was
unable to drive, but she left the car key to Leanns car at Marks house, who
lives about 17 or 18 minutes away from here. So, since Andrew is very sick
right now, she had me drive her to that house, in the blackness of night.
When we got to their neighborhood, it actually started raining a bit, and I
panicked a lot, but we eventually found the house and got there. Mom went
up to their door, walked back, then we drove straight home. When settled at
home, I got the portable phone, took it directly to my room, and called
Elizabeth. She sounded glad to see me, but also tired. She told me she was
going to bed, and to call her during tomorrow. She has exams tomorrow,

P a g e | 1221

which sucks as she said. That means she wants to talk to me, which is
great! Maybe this might work out after all. I hope shes attracted to me, like
I am to her. Im sure Ill probably call her after she gets out of school
tomorrow, and will just have to see how our conversation goes from there. I
feel stupid for waiting this long to call her.

Jesus. Im approaching 8 pages for today.

Wow. Im pretty goddam amazed. I checked the online website for the
Billboard charts, and two albums that I bought did really well in their first
weeks of release. Weezers Maladroit album came in at #3 on the American
charts, and Mobys 18 was right behind it at #4. Also, I noticed the album,
White Blood Cells, by The White Stripes jumped from #100 on the Billboard
charts all the way back up to #84. This was after the week that I bought a
copy. I guess I helped the sales climb, since I bought a copy of that CD. Im
actually quite surprised. I thought 18 and Maladroit would sell pretty well,
but I didnt know theyd both make it about #5. Kudos to all those bands and
artists, even though I basically hated nearly every song on 18. I still respect
if for doing so well commercially, because thats hard to do.

I do miss posting on secular and comic book message boards, but I guess I
kind of have gotten a life now. I dont really feel like such a geek anymore.
Ive lost a lot of interest in reading comic books that come out every month,
because there havent been as many good ones. But I still have an extremely
strong interest in drawing and writing them.

This fucking overactive imagination of mine can be irritating sometimes. I

constantly have the urge to create something new. It nearly always stays in
my consciousness, even when Im trying to rest and do nothing with my
mind while Im trying to sleep or watch TV. Its like a light in my mind
thats always on. I doubt its one the same level that the minds of people like
Mozart, Picasso, da Vinci, Michelangelo, van Gogh, Steinbeck, Hemingway,
Eisner, Chuck Jones, Asimov, or Akira Kurosawa were on. One thing I
always wonder is why do people always want to be told what to do and
whats cool. Some people are so fucking afraid of being misunderstood,

P a g e | 1222

disliked, hated, ignored, mocked, lonely, aliened, or any of that shit. People
are so afraid of feeling bad and/or change, that theyre willing to feed the
system, which can and has destroyed quite a few things. But then again, the
system can also keep the planet going as well.

I dont think Ive ever really tried to fit into any particular group of current
contemporary youth. Im not trying to be a wigger, thug, player, gang
member, stoner, hippy, punk, Goth, freak, emo kid, prep, geek, indie rock
nerd, even artsy type, or any of that other shit. Ive always just wanted to be
myself, even though at certain points I may not have had as many friends as
the other kids, if I had any friends at all, which was not always the case. I
saw all kinds of kids just like the ones mentioned above, but I didnt care.
They werent me. They were all so fake and full of shit, or at least most of
them were. If I ever do become a public figure, Im sure there will be some
who will want or try to pigeonhole me or try to place me in this group or
that. All that left brained thinking and all that. Wanting to categorize and the
like, but thats okay. I guess that sort of goes with the territory. The CD
collection I own cannot be pigeonholed though. Thats for certain. I have
everything from Tool to Weezer to Primus to They Might Be Giants to
Beastie Boys to Black Eyed Peas to Quarashi to The White Stripes to The
Smashing Pumpkins. As well as Radiohead, Green Day, The Cure, Air,
U.N.K.L.E, The Aquabats, Tenacious D, Linkin Park, Andrew W.K., Nine
Inch Nails, Hippos, System of a Down, Beck, Less Than Jake, Pizzicato
Five, Kahimi Karie, The Rentals, Eminem, Ludacris, OutKast, Me First and
the Gimme Gimmes, Matchbox Twenty, Eels, Raymond Scott, Billy Joel,
Mozart, Aimee Mann, Gorillaz, John Lennon, and many more. I even used
to have Bloodhound Gang and Marilyn Manson, but that was when I was in
middle school. My parents found those CDs, and quickly disposed of them
at the time. I do like Bruce Springsteen, The Ramones, The Beatles, Elton
John, Paul McCartney, Madonna, as far as older music goes. I really hate
Boy George though. He seems like such a stuck-up prick. I dont care that
hes gay. Its just that no matter what his sexual orientation was, hed
probably still be a prick. Suppose I shouldnt judge people I dont know
though. Boy George could be one of the nicest guys in the world.

Fuck it. I think I should probably move onto sunnier things, like art or
maybe books. Im very excited to get back to drawing for a while, before I
go to college, and either during college or after college, Id like to try

P a g e | 1223

scripting and drawing my own comic book pages. Ive been doing a lot of
writing, which is good. I should probably keep that up. I just need to try
drawing something as well. Im beginning to think more often now that if
Im in college, and someone offers me a marijuana joint, there may be a
good chance I wont say No. Im curious to see what it feels like. The only
other thing Id try might be beer. Other than those things, Ill likely refuse
anything else. I dont want to be starting any habits, and dont plan on doing
so either. Sure, they say. Thats what they all say.

Tried calling Elizabeth earlier, around 5:00 p.m. or so, but she wasnt at
home. Will probably try again sometime before 10 tonight.

Got another graduation card from more relatives, with another check in it. I
think this one actually had $75 in it, which should more than make up for the
majority of the $88 I spent on CDs at Park Avenue Compact Discs. Thats so
fucking cool. I have no idea if Ill ever own as much as $100,000 to $1
million at one point or another. Id like to have enough to live off of
comfortably, and be able to buy whichever things I want, but Im not
worried about getting rich. I just want to continue to do what I love doing,
do it for the rest of my life, and keep getting better at it and doing it, even if
no ones paying me for it. Even if no ones paying or asking me to do it for
publication, distribution, or for them.

Nowwhat about having a book made into a movie, or something like

that? Im not sure if Id really want any of my novels made into films. Id
rather make films separately than books, and not have the two cross paths.
Id rather tell separate stories in each, rather than tell the same exact story in
two separate mediums. Id rather avoid blatantly capitalizing on my own
creations altogether. This would also partially be because the visual images
of a book-based movie can often ruin the conception of that made up world
the reader had created in their own head. Many films have completely ruined
the world many readers enjoyed with their imaginations from the books. I
dont enjoy seeing something like that happen. Big Trouble is probably an
example of such a movie, even though I havent seen the movie yet. I guess I
just sort of got that impression from the trailer.

P a g e | 1224

Couldnt get a hold of Elizabeth. I was able to reach her dad on the phone,
and he said they dont really take calls after 9:00 p.m. Ah well. For a minute
there, I thought I had come close to getting some sex with a beautiful girl,
but its probably not likely now. Thats all right though. I thought I might
have had a girlfriend. Have come quite close at times lately, but I dont
know. I did practice my acoustic guitar some tonight. I think I was actually
to play all the strings the right way with the tips of my fingers. That felt
pretty good. The guitar actually sounded kind of musical. Earlier I had a
strong urge to get out and go somewhere after nine oclock. I wanted to
drive the Saturn on my own to Borders, a club, a concert, a museum, a bar,
or something and meet some people. I guess I kind of felt like I was living
on my own. Just because Im an artist doesnt mean I have to be a recluse
and never go outside. Ive suddenly felt like I have an urge to live on my
own, have a life, and a social life. Today was probably the first day I felt
bored simply by being at home.

P a g e | 1225

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 71

P a g e | 1226

May 2002

Andrew was going somewhere today. Im not sure exactly. I dont think he
told me. He did say he was picking up donuts though. Hes going to Dunkin
Donuts, to pick up a dozen donuts, which he says will all be for myself. I
said he could have as many as he wanted. He said No. Hell probably change
his mind and want some. Will probably not eat them all today however.
Dont think Id be hungry enough to do that.

Damn. Might actually get back to the drawing board today. Wouldnt that be
a welcome surprise.

Personally, I think many of the Marvel and DC comic books Ive seen from
the 1980s were actually some of the worst comics Ive ever seen in my life. I
have an issue of Thor from around either 1988 or 1989. It was just so
goddam horrible. The writing, the dialogue, the artwork. Everything. All
those kinds of comic books looked the same back then. The artwork in a Jim
Mahfood or Jhonen Vasquez comic may not be as well done, but at least
those comics are funny and entertaining. Its no wonder the majority of
comics I look (but also enjoy) at constantly are from either Slave Labor
Graphics or Oni Press, or are entirely manga. Used to read Cerebus, but I
guess I just got kind of sick of that comic. Ill read some Marvel comics
now. That Wolverine/Elektra crossoverwhich was written by Greg Rucka
and illustrated by Yoshitaka Amanolooks really amazing and well done.
Theres nothing about it at all that looks formulaic, and I love it when
mainstream entertainment does that. That The Punisher series (or miniseries)
which was written by Garth Ennis was pretty refreshing as well. Brian
Michael Bendis and Kevin Smith have also done wonders for Marvel. It
would be cool to see people like Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman writing for
Marvel, but Im not expecting that to happen anytime soon.

P a g e | 1227

Was playing the guitar this morning, and I think it sounded better this
morning than any time before. I think I may have even made an amateur
song. I sang a little bit while strumming too. I think if I keep playing the
guitar for a year, either during or after college, I may actually one day sound
like a real musician with it. That wouldnt be a bad thing, considering that
was the original goal when I picked it up the first time and started trying to
play.

Had some donuts, which were quite good. Now that my appetite and
stomach have been satiated with high calorie/low nutritional compounds and
chemicals, I think Id like to move onto getting some work done. Perhaps Ill
get some story ideas. Might even make it to the drawing table today, if I
dont get too lazy. Practiced some voice characterization this morning, and I
had a hard time getting the tonal pitch of my voice to reach a high range. I
got it higher than it usually goes though, which felt good.

I look at the writing of some comic book and literary book writers, and
many of them produce what seem like mass quantities of writing that are
filled to the brim with clichs. I wont mention any names currently, since
Im not trying to soil reputations, not that Id probably be able to. Some
peopleand famous ones at thatget a kick out of mudslinging, but Im not
going to do that. Dont want to either. I think entertainment, which is driven
by creative properties, should not be driven by cheap shots and namecalling. It only serves to make people look self-righteous, conceited,
pretentious, and arrogant. Id rather practice compassion than public
mudslinging, which would basically be for antagonizing other people more
than I would really need to. I dont think entertainment should be about
entertainers fighting with each other. I think it should be about
communicating, sharing ideas, collaborating (sometimes), and striving to
produce the best work possible. As well as striving to transcend pre-existing
creative and production quality values.

There dont seem to be enough ethical or spiritual values in mainstream

entertainment. Take for instance, rap music and pornography. I believe in
this, but I also dont think one should bullshit the masses by putting on a

P a g e | 1228

happy face all the time, and trying to pretend like nothing is going on behind
the scenes. I dont view that as entirely pure. I think people should write
from their inner feelings and direct unicentric consciousness, which
creatively expresses their unique or individual perception of the world
around them. Sometimes this unicentric consciousness expresses the light
areas, sometimes the dark areas. Sometimes it even expresses the gray areas.
Regardless of which area this consciousness expresses, it should always
reflect the intrinsic truth, regardless of whether others may take subjective
offense. No one said individual art had to make everyone happy. As long as
it makes someone happy, thats all that really matters. Now that I think about
it, my art has made me very happy. Maybe it would be tough to explain it
any other way. I just now realized that the word unicentric doesnt seem to
exist in Websters hardcover New World College Dictionary, but it came to
my mind, and seemed fitting to the concepts I was trying to express, so Ill
pretend like it already exists. That way I wont look quite so crazy.

Its actually pretty weird the way television network executives treat some of
the best shows on television, and even some of the best shows in history.
That says a lot about network executives when you see a guy like Matt
Groening, the creator and executive producer of one of the most successful,
intelligent, popular, and innovative comedy shows (and most successful
primetime animated series, period) in the history of television complaining
about how much trouble he had even getting a second series, Futurama, off
the ground and on the air, when it was even a lot more visually and
psychologically sophisticated than The Simpsons was. So many television
shows fail, and its not always because theyre bad shows. When you think
about it, it probably is quite sad, about how frightened Hollywood is of
change and taking chances, when you think about how many high-profile
creative people constantly have gripes to tell about the industry. And these
people are some of the most respected entertainers and storytellers in the
entire world. These are people who have sold millions of copies of a decent
amount of whatever it is they worked on, including Stephen King, John
Grisham, Matt Groening, Howard Stern, Paul Dini, Neil Gaiman, Dave
Barry, Jhonen Vasquez, Tim Burton, Thom Yorke, John Kricfalusi, Elton
John, Kevin Smith, and Jamie Hewlett. These geniuses and innovators have
all admitted gripes of one sort or another about Hollywood and the
mainstream. And these are the only ones I know of. Im sure there are many
more. You can often get into a messy predicament when dealing with
Hollywood and art schools. I like the idea of working in publishing. Now

P a g e | 1229

that Im getting closer to adulthood, Im beginning to wonder exactly how

much I should get involved with the mainstream or Hollywood. If I could
make a living being an author or doing something like Hiroaki Samura,
Jamie Hewlett, or Jhonen Vasquez does, I might want to just stick to doing
that. Im not sure if I want to go the George Lucas, Spielberg, Stephen King,
JK Rowling, Anne Rice, or Todd McFarlane route and worry about
franchising and all that stuff. For one thing, when you start doing
franchising, merchandising, capitalism, etc., you have to worry about
managerial things, along with creative things. You have to take the extra
time try to figure out how to balance the two and do them both, instead of
just getting to be creative. For another, if your work becomes capitalistic
like, say Harry Potter, The Simpsons, or Star Wars, regardless of whether it
becomes a household name, even though you created the universe, its still
very tough to say your baby is entirely your baby anymore. Because there
are so many people working on different aspects of the property, who all
way to add their voice to your original vision. The plus side to this is you
becoming extremely rich, and also most likely becoming quite famous and
in demand. Youre no longer just a creator. Youre a certified mainstream
celebrity, and there are a lot of pluses that go with that. People like that often
get the opportunity to appear in things like the Academy Awards, the Emmy
Awards, Rolling Stone magazine, the E! Television channel, Larry King
Live, etc., etc. the only thing is, I dont know yet if I want to be on that
levelAnd on an entirely different note, I dont even know if my work has
enough appeal to even be a small part of mainstream entertainment. In my
view, something would have to be well done, well thought out, enjoyable to
enough people, and have enough universal appeal to be able to even come
close to meeting those criteria. And I dont know if my work is at that level,
or ever will be. Yes, I do produce a lot of work, but I dont know if very
much of it is actually good. This is often because Im the only one who sees
it for now.

Man, Ive grown so fucking fed up with TV. I can barely even watch
cartoons anymore. Some anime is OK, but Im talking about pure American
network cartoons. Toonami used to be good, when they played Gundam
Wing, Tenchi Muyo, and unique things like that. Now all they seem to want
to play is that Dragonball shit, along with some other bland shows like Zoids
and Batman Beyond. I just cant understand where network American
animation is coming from anymore. Its really quite uninspired. Its prosaic.
Bland. Its all so harmless looking, soft, pink, and furry. Fucking makes me

P a g e | 1230

want to shout. I dont mind something harmless every once in a while, if its
entertaining, like Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs, Bobbys World, etc.
But when I see the shit thats on now, it make me glad Im able to turn off
the set and read some Hemingway, or listen to a Nine Inch Nails CD,
Weezer CD, read some indie comic books or something. I crave something
thats a little more hard edge and adult. Something doesnt have to be on the
level of South Park or Jerry Springer just to appeal to people who are over
16 and 17. I was listening to Marilyn Manson and reading Stephen King
books way back during middle school, even though I had to hid that shit
from my parents most of the time back then. HBO is good, at times. Theyve
done some great shows like Todd McFarlanes Spawn, Dennis Miller Live,
and The Sopranos.

Just got done watching some TV. Felt kind of interested in writing again in
this journal. Tried to take a nap between 8 and 10 at night, but could fall
asleep. That was okay though. Invader ZIM and The Proud Family came on,
and both episodes of the shows were actually not too bad. They were really
funny. Probably would have gone to bed 50 or so minutes ago, but am not
feeling tired, and high school is done, so Mom and Dad dont mind as much
if I stay up as late as Id like to.

So maybe the whole deal with Elizabeth didnt work out quite the way I
hoped it would. We have yet to have a full, integral conversation over the
phone. Cant decide whether I should keep trying to get closer to her beauty,
or to just move on, and appreciate the fact that I got enough courage to get
her number at Crealde and get enough nerve to actually call her. Maybe I
should just sit here and reflect on how neat I think these gray khaki shorts
look on me with this black Guardians of Paradise tee shirt. Still somewhat
of a geek, but probably not as much as I used to be. Its been summerI
thinkso have not worn a pair of blue jeans in what seems like a long time.

Andrews been sick lately, so when he tried to go to sleep this afternoon, he

wanted me to go into his room with my steel string guitar and shoulder strap
on my back, and play him A tune, as he called it, to help him get to sleep.
So I did just that. I play my little six or eight note diddy, as dull as it may
have sounded, and tried to help him get to sleep. By the time I asked him if

P a g e | 1231

he was asleep, he didnt reply. I assumed he was, so I walked out of the

room with my guitar. I guess that was my first concert. May be the last one
as well. Im not really much of a musical performer anyway. Could probably
play a drumset in concert, for an audience, but that would probably be about
it. Id love to be able to compose songs, and create pop gem melodies, with
rock sensibilities, the way Rivers Cuomo does with his band Weezer, but I
pretty much suck at the guitar right now. Perhaps that may change one day,
but am not sure really.

I still consider myself a Buddhist. Its just that am feeling more rejuvenated
than ever before. Feel like have more energy to do stuff than ever before. Its
truly a great feeling. They say The grass is always greener on the other
side. But I think I may have already reached the other side. Still have more
than half a life to live though. Thats the fucking shocking thing.

As far as entertainment mediums go, Im pretty much in love with different

ones. Id love to work in as many as possible, just to get the chance to try
them all. The thing is, each individual medium holds its own pros and cons.
As far as individual vision and creator control goes, comic books and book
writing are great, but are often not as involving as mediums like film,
animation, and music. Those are much more collaborative. A lot of people
have to bust their asses on them, just to get the project off the ground. Music
is often very collaborative as well, even though one person can very well
make a song by doing nothing more than singing and playing different notes
on the guitar. Id love to work for, or collaborate with someone like Jeffrey
Katzenberg, Steven Spielberg, David Geffen, Jamie S. Rich, Joe Quesada,
John Lasseter, Dan Vado, John K., or Matt Groening one day. These people
are like gods to me, and have been constant inspirations for some time now,
especially when I figured out exactly what kind of impact it was they had on
the industry. Just recently, now that Ive figured out Katzenbergs genius,
and his influence on Dreamworks SKG, Shrek, and many of Disneys most
successful animated feature films of all time, Ive decided that I would have
no problem whatsoever with working for him. The man is a feature animated
film goldmine, obviously. I think the creative open-mindedness Joe Quesada
has brought to Marvel Comicssince he became editor in chiefhas
obviously proved that hes done something right. I think Stan Lee should be
proud of what hes done for the company, creatively speaking. Hes
somehow been able to get brilliant creators, from even the most obscure

P a g e | 1232

areas to work for the big M. Including Brian Michael Bendis, David Mack,
Greg Rucka, Bill Sienkiewicz, Jim Mahfood, Chynna Clugston-Major, Sam
Keith, Terry Moore, Garth Ennis, Steve Dillon, J. Michael Straczynski,
Yoshitaka Amano, Alex Ross (I think) and Kevin Smith all to work for the
company while hes been there.

Read in the local paper somewhere that Brad Pitt is actually a practicing
Buddhist, which I thought was actually pretty cool. He was in that one
movie which got really bad critical reviews, that was about Tibet. I really
liked Fight Club and Se7en, but even though I know hes been in quite a few
other films, Im having trouble remember what the other ones are.

Dads taking me shopping for new clothes today. Not sure what Ill get.

Just got back from shopping, and I got some shirts, pants, and shorts that I
really love. Got some dark blue shirts, and a warm red shirt as well. All of
them have collars, and some have more buttons and pockets than others.
Also, I finally got some neat looking khaki stuff. Got two or three khaki
pants. One is dark (either green or gray) and one is lighter. Other than that, I
got one set of khaki shorts. I think they all look really good on me. I think
they definitely are going to distinguish my dress sense. They dont really
look like what everyone else wears. I know quite a bit of kids where khakis,
but they dont really look the same as the other ones Ive seen. Right now
Im wearing the red shirt and the dark khaki pants. Went to the comic book
store in these as well. Id say I definitely look like a college kid. The thing
is, I like these clothes a lot. To me, they dont look too trendy, preppy, or too
conventional. I think they still look unique. Now that I have my personal
clothing look down a little bit better, I think Id better worry about
producing good artwork and writing, not just having neat clothes, which I
like. Also, Ive seen more and more people wearing the dark black collared
shirt, which is probably why I also got the red one.

Fuck. Not sure what else to write about. Maybe I should write some essays
tonight instead of writing in this journal.

P a g e | 1233

I dont think I really want to be a star. Too much pressure. I think Id

probably rather live the humble, contemplative life, like Tibetan monks,
physicists, or philosophers do, and ask the deep questions. Thats probably
more fulfilling than always trying to entertain people, make people laugh, or
whatever. I should really stop talking about success, and start talking
about living my life right now, because thats whats important.

I pity the kids in this city who shop at places like Wal-Mart for their music.
Their selection is so watered down. I just got to see Wal-Marts selection
yesterday. All they have is things like Blink 182, Puddle of Mudd, Alicia
Keys, P.O.D., Creed, etc. All that corporate shit. Now they did have maybe
one or two good new eclectic CDs, like, say, Quarashi and Box Car Racer
(even though they were both the edited versions, which sound exactly like
what gets played on the radio and MTV). But there wasnt an overabundance
of the good, harder-to-find stuff, like youd find at a place like Park Avenue
Compact Discs.

Also, many of the coolest jobs in the world are things that theyd never teach
you in school. Even in band class, they dont really teach you how to play
something like an acoustic six-string, metal-string guitar, or an electric one.
Nor do they usually teach you how to play a whole drumset. Ive had to go
to places like Music Shack to get lessons on the drumset. They wouldnt
really teach you how to be a DJ or an emcee in school either. Yet theres
dozens and dozens of artists who seek these jobs in the music industry out
year after year, and music that features these instruments is pretty much all
youll hear on the radio. Its kind of funny that all theyll pretty much teach
you in middle and high school is marching band, orchestration concert
music, but all you pretty much hear now on the radio is stuff from rock, poptechno-influenced things, and hip-hop. That certainly proves that school
never teaches you how to be or become a public figure, star, or celebrity.

Actually, now that I think about it, did traditional school, or traditional
society, actually teach me how to do any of the things I really love doing, or
want to do for a career? Did they teach me what to eat, how to act, how to
think, how to dress, etc? I dont really think so. Im talking about preschool,
kindergarten, middle school, and high school. Could traditional schools have
taught me how to do any of the things that my idols do for a living, and

P a g e | 1234

make lots of money at? People like Stephen King, Steven Spielberg, Trent
Reznor, Jhonen Vasquez, Jim Mahfood, Elvis Costello, Thom Yorke,
Yoshitaka Amano, Brian Michael Bendis, David Mack, Matt Groening,
Jamie Hewlett, Dave Eggers, Jamie S. Rich, Isaac Asimov, Ken Wilber,
John Lasseter, Charlie Adler, Tim Burton, Norman Rockwell, Ernest
Hemingway, T.S. Eliot, or a numerous amount of other Pulitzer or Nobel
Prize winners aside from Eliot and Hemingway.

Sure, maybe you could call me a rebel, anti-authority, against-the-system.

But I dont think its really about that. I think its more about real-world
survival skills. I dont think Im bullshitting at all here. For a lot of things in
life, including some of the most crucially and universally important, school
doesnt prepare you for diddly squat. One thing it often will leave you with
is bad memories of occasional bullying from your peers, which is one of the
things I got, but fortunately Ive been able to forget or dismiss most of it.

When I think about it, I think nowadays, its actually pretty rare that Ill
consistently watch any three of the big three networks for entertainment
purpose. The big three being ABC, NBC, and CBS. Fox is okay
sometimes, even though theyre slowly killing off each of what may be their
best and most successful shows of all time. These include The X-Files,
Futurama, The Simpsons, Ally McBeal, and probably King of The Hill, as
well as Malcolm in the Middle, eventually. To many people, especially in the
mid or late 90s, these were the shows that made the Fox network worth
watching. Makes me sad to see so many of them go, when I grew up on shit
like The X-Files and The Simpsons. Other shows that have been worth
watching in the past were Monty Pythons Flying Circus, David Letterman,
Dennis Miller Live, Jay Leno, Oprah Winfrey, Larry King Live, The Howard
Stern Show, Toonami, Mitch Albom, Seinfeld, Frasier, Duckman, Family
Matters, Talk Soup, Step By Step, You Cant Do That On Television, The
Adventures of Pete and Pete, MTV Unplugged, Mystery Science Theatre
3000, Home Improvement, The Tom Green Show, Conan OBrien, Space
Ghost: Coast to Coast, Salute Your Shorts, MTV Live At the 10 Spot (an old
MTV live concert show), Farmhouse.Com, Singled Out, 120 Minutes, and
Batman: The Animated Series. I guess I do like some cult TV shows, which
have had some very big cult followings.

P a g e | 1235

Yes. This is good. Wrote out some thank-you notes to people who gave
cards and money to me for graduation, as well as people who came to the
Open House party. I didnt get to write that many, but Im somewhat lazy, so
it felt like a bit of work. Got about 8 or so written today. Will write more
tomorrow. Have not posted in a message board or guestbook for quite some
time now, but am feeling some urges to.

Something tells me I should do more than just write in this journal today.
Maybe even do more than just that and watch television and fall asleep
during the day. It would be nice to talk to some of my friends, both old and
new. I sometimes wonder how people like Johnny Bartlett and Stephen Hill
are doing. Theyre great people. Ive been feeling like such a different
person lately. Id like to get to talk to people I already know as my new self,
or in this new state of being, before I have to leave Casselberry, and live in
the macrocosm, which is a dorm room at the Art Institute, where Ill be
meeting other art students, hanging out, and working my ass off on new
artwork, computer animation, etc.

Now that have bought all the shirt, shorts, and pants from clothing stores, am
definitely thinking about buying those DJ Shadow and Weezer tee shirts off
of their official websites. Would probably watch television for a bit, but am
assuming theres probably nothing of sufficient entertainment value being
aired on a crisp luminous Sunday evening, at precisely 6:15 p.m.,
southeastern time. Party Hard!-Party Hard!-Party Hard!-Party Hard!-Party
Hard!So lets get a party goingLets get a party goingWhen its time
to party, we will always Party Hard!Yeah!Hell yeah! Rock on!
Andrew W.K. fucking rocks. I realize this is making me sound like a dork,
but I dont fucking care. His songs lyrics are stupid as some of his critics
say, but the music itself is still a lot of fun to listen to.

Just read Journal #48. It wasnt too bad. I really enjoyed certain parts. Did
fix up the syntax and grammatical elements in some of it. It is getting
somewhat late in the evening. Ill be going to bed soon.

P a g e | 1236

It can be bizarre trying to be your own person. Like when youre trying not
to be too trendy or popular, but also not trying to be a complete geek or
outcast either. Chances are, from not adhering to the philosophy of either
group completely, its most likely that both groups will want to skewer you
for not being like them, for not being one with them, or something of that
nature. Mob mentality and all that. Personally, I believe people should
follow their hearts, instincts, and dreams, regardless of whether others think
less of them. I could hardly give a fuck less what anyone might think of this
journal, because its only supposed to be a personal journal. I dont care if
anyone thinks Im weird or gay or trendy or capitalistic or arrogant or
pretentious or egotistical or hateful or self-absorbed or any of that other
presumptuous bullshit. Im not trying to tailor-make this journal for the
general mainstream masses. Id make myself sad if I did that.

Im just making it based on my own personal tastes. Perhaps this may sound
selfish, but I think there are others who might enjoy those particular tastes as
well, and Id rather go according to that instead of what some big, famous,
powerful corporate executive says will earn the most revenue for that
particular year. I dont even know if I want to create an empire, even though
I dont know if the creation of an empire wont happen either. Id rather be
the Radiohead, Weezer, or Trent Reznor of publishing, which is to say
somewhat like someone such as Jhonen Vasquez, Jim Mahfood, Evan
Dorkin, or someone of that nature. The only thing is, those artists dont
really draw as well as artists like Katsuhiro Ottomo, Hiroaki Samura, David
Mack, Frank Cho, Terry Moore, Paul Pope, Yoshitaka Amano, and some
others. Mahfood and Vasquezs work are both a lot of fun to look at, even if
their main draftsmanship skills are not as good as some other artists. I could
say the same thing about my own work. I think that may be an explanation
for the popularity of their work, which is unusually commercial for indie
comic books. Their work is probably popular because its unique.

Its been growing harder and harder lately to find something that simultaneously entertaining, engaging, innovative, and intelligent on television at any
given time lately.

P a g e | 1237

I think our neighbors next door will be moving out in about a month or so.
Their For Rent sign is already out on their lawn. I should probably be
celebrating, because theyll be taking those little bastard kids of theirs with
them. Those little fuckers. I sometimes want to run outside with one of the
old metallic baseball bats we still have in our garage, while theyre playing
and fucking pretend like Im going to bash their little skulls in, just to scare
the shit out of them, so that theyll never want to go outside and play again,
because theyd fear murder. Maybe Id be taking a proactive role in the Bad
Karma concept. Im pretty sure thereve been a lot of complaints Ive been
hearing from my brother, and various neighbors about those kids. I think Im
not the only one who wants them to get the fuck out of this great neighborhood of ours, that weve all lived in for a at least 13 years, not counting
those kids. Fortunately, that will probably happen soon enough. Brother calls
them Devil kids. I agreed with him.
I think I heard Judy talking to Mom about how they called Evanwho is
our next-door neighbor, Judys grandson, who is a good kida candy ass.
Whatever the hell that might mean. Theyre not even ten years old, and
theyre calling kids candy ass. God, that made me mad. Evans a nice kid.
Hes had some speech problems with verbalization, but thats not his fault
and hes still a great kid. Im glad I wasnt young at the time I had to live
next to those pricks. I remember when I was growing up a little kid, and I
had to deal with the same type of shit Evan might have to be dealing with,
but I never really had an older, empathetic person that could defend me the
way I want to defend Evan. I had my brother, whos a year-and-a-half older
than I, but hes more vengeful, not really empathetic or compassionate.

In middle school, there were times when Andy and I would be in P.E. Class
and hed hear kids yell the word faggot at me, and would react by pretty
much beating the shit out of them during P.E. class, and punching them on
the face multiple times, until their noses were bleeding. True story. Andrew
told me about those fights he had on some days, and I didnt know he did it
at the time, which was years ago. He told me about them when I was in high
school. I wasnt sure whether to feel good or bad about what he did back
then. He got a detention for doing those things, I think. I know one thing
though. I may sound like Mr. Exposition, but I couldnt help but feel more
relieved knowing that those bullieswhoever they weredidnt completely
get away with their acts of cruelty, and in one sense, they did get what was
coming to them. Theres a good example of bad karma, which I did not take
any part in. Now, my brother is a very nice guy at times, and cares a lot

P a g e | 1238

about me. Loves me deeply as a brother, and I think looks up to me in

certain ways. But he is not a wimp or sissy, by any means. Hes very strong,
and could probably beat the shit out of many other kids his own age, had he
a strong desire to do so. Hes lifted weights at times, worked out, that type of
stuff.
As for the kids, Im quite a bit older than those two kids, so theres no way
they can intimidate me. Theyre small. Boys. Actually, I have a strange
feeling theyre afraid of making me mad, because Im a good bit older than
them. Good. It should stay that way. Let me occasionally haunt them in their
sleep, and appear every once in a while in their nightmares.

And then when they see me on the driveway, getting the mail or taking out
the trash for the week, Ill be there to look over at them with their cowboy
boots and plastic toy guns and give them shadowy looks and glares, so
theyll wonder if I know about the nightmares they had the previous night in
their little kid beds. I want them to think I can smell their fucking fear from a
mile away. Ah ha hah ha hah! Oh. Sorry. Im getting carried away here. If I
said this commentary aloud about those kids to Mom or Dad, theyd
probably get mad at me for speaking so harshly about someone. Im pretty
sure thats what theyd do, and in once sense, theyd probably be right.
Thats the kind of things some parents do, get mad at their kids when they
speak unkindly about rude and mean neighbors, even if they are jerks. Well,
the good parents do. I dont know about the negligent and liberal ones.

Like usual, am not sure what to write about, but for some reason, lately, that
hasnt really stopped me before. The current moment now seems to be kind
of like an intangible sand trap. A lot of people seem to be lost, or stuck in a
rut right now. I think people want something to entertain them a lot, but
theyre confused as in how to find it.

In a way, yes, I do want to fill the shoes of my creative heroes. The writers,
artists, directors, and creators, but Im just not sure if I want to jump into
that void yet. Id rather do that when Im 23, 25, or 30. 18 seems like such a
young age to do something like that at. The only 18-year-olds Ive heard of,
who I know of as celebrities of some sort, are people like teen pop stars and
teenage actors, the majority of whom I see on MTV. Plus, I think Jackie

P a g e | 1239

Chan Adventures may have been canceled and replaced by The Powerpuff
Girls. God help us all. Having it on one channel (Cartoon Network) is quite
enough. It doesnt need to be on two channels at the same time, even if ones
cable and ones not. Now what the hell is left for there to like in mainstream
entertainment? All I see in the mainstream right now is the remains of
George Lucass empire, the over-hyped and now extremely famous Harry
Potter franchise, and that Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron by the
Dreamworks SKG company, which, unfortunately, does not look anywhere
near as good or innovative as Shrek in any way whatsoever. And the even
more unfortunate thing about that Spirit movie is that they seem to be trying
to aim the fucking thing, like a cruise missile, squarely at young kids. Makes
me sick, because the pandering-to-little-kids-demographic thing has been
done a trillion times over in American animated cinema. Im getting so
fucking sick of seeing that Disney-wannabe or copycat formula. For a
minute, after seeing Shrek, I thought the Dreamworks SKG animated film
studio might be above that routine, and willing to try something new,
especially after how much success they had. I saw promise. But I guess I
was wrong about some of their movies. Are they trying to torture grownups
now, or something? Actually, I guess there are still Weezer, MTV2, and
Eminem. There doesnt seem to be much else left as of now though.

Dont really know what the hell is wrong with me. Ive been sitting on my
ass in this computer chair for what seems like a very long time, not really
having a direction, and not really developing one. Theres got to be
something else to do than staying up till 11 at night or midnight, sleeping
until noon or so, masturbating, then writing in this journal all day. I dont
think I really want to do this for an entire month. Im already starting to get
bored by doing this. Besides, I think I may be beginning to smell. Should
probably take a shower in the next day or two.

Wow. That was easy. Dad and I went to the official DJ Shadow and Weezer
sites, and we got to buy three different tee shirts from the two sites, and
completed our orders on all three shirts, probably within the span of eight
minutes. I got my DJ Shadow/Back Again, Band Photo, and long sleeve
Corporate Youth Sellout all in two orders, all in the size of extra large.
That was pretty fucking cool if you ask me. I like ordering stuff with a credit
card over the Internet. Its quick and easy. Stein Mart is also a good store to
shop for tee shirts and some pants. I think thats where I got the majority of

P a g e | 1240

my shirts, which I bought two or so days ago. Im not so sure about Hot
Topic. They sell all the clothes that weird, cynical, and ugly people I see on
the street, and shopping at supermarkets wear. Every kind of youth from
goths to raversand everything in-betweenshops there, so by nature, Ill
tend to stay away from it. Same thing with Wal-Mart, because a lot of preps
shop there, so its kind of the opposite, but equally unappealing.

I think I know why Dad is often a jerk of sorts. Its probably because he has
a big ego. I strive for reducing the ego and for attaining transcendence, but I
dont think Dad does. I may sound like an arrogant jackass here though.
Whenever he talks to me, he nearly always tries to make it so that hell be
the only one who will be able to get their words out, and if I try to reply, if
he objects in basically any way, hell either yell at me and not let me talk so
that hell feel like hes the only one who can say what they want to say, or
hell walk out of the room before I can finish my sentence and slam the door
while hes at it. Most of the time, hes the first one in this family who raises
his voice to his family, aside from Andy. I never raise my voice to him, but
he consistently does it to me. Honestly, I dont think I really like talking to
him, at all. Its very difficult most of the time. Hes so redundant. Hell keep
repeating parts of his speech he thinks are important, when all he usually
says for instances like that is Im not going to buy shoes (or get you a
haircut) in two days! Thats my day off, and I have things I want to do that
day! or Im not spending that much! Hes a real cheapskate too a lot of
the time. Hes so freaking afraid hell go poor one day if he spends $5 extra
on groceries, or CDs or something. Thats cheap! Hes so hell-bent on
saving three or ten dollars here or there, when its so goddam insignificant.
Hes frugal, but not in a good way. He puts all his extra money in what
seems like mutual funds, yet invests none of it in what could instead be
closely-researched public stocks or CDs, which is probably the only way
you can earn any real money in savings. Hes relying on mutual funds to be
able to retire on. Yeah, hell probably be able to retire, but not with as much
comfort as he probably hopes for. Oh wellHes not counting on me to
make enough money to provide for a lot of his expenses. And Im sure if I
relied totally on my parents advice to follow my career paths, like if I went
to a school to learn how to become a writer, where I probably would not
develop a voice of my own, I probably wouldnt have much of a chance of
becoming financially independent and being able to provide for my family
during my adulthood years. However, now that Ive had a chance to read
more books, and learn about the market, Im seeing there being less and less

P a g e | 1241

of a difficulty of me becoming successful in the same way Stephen King,

Kurt Vonnegut, or Dave Eggers did. I think I have been developing a unique
writing style bit by bit, a piece at a timeOh well. At least my frustration
about my dads financial philosophy is something to write about. I should
have compassion and thank him for at least doing that today.

However, I think theres one consistent thing youll find in all extremely
successful people. Its that when they were starting out, and often all
throughout their careers, up until when they became extremely successful,
they were often deluged with a vast amount of critics telling them they
wouldnt succeed at the very things they really wanted to put their hearts
into, which is whats happened to me for as far back as I can remember. You
cant always listen to everyone else to be as successful as you might hope to
be. It seems paradoxical, but its so fucking true. To end up on the top of the
industry creatively and economically, you dont have to have the most
support from your family, educators, authority figures, or friends. You dont
have to be the most handsome, most rich, most charismatic, most intelligent,
highest grades, or most popular among the people you know. I sure as hell
was never any of these things. But you do have to work harder than many
others, have good ideas with appeal, and work your ass off more than youll
often want to. Theres no magic secret about it, and I think thats one thing a
lot of aspiring creative people have a problem with. Success comes down to
a direct correlation with a lot of work. I didnt start out with 1,000 journal
pages, or 700 pages of drawings, or a realistic charcoal drawing. That took
constant struggle, constant doubt, constant failure or trials and tribulations.
Part of the fun of success on the superstar level is actually the getting to
prove everyone wrong, who doubted you, and getting to tell them, without
hesitation, Im not such a loser now, am I?

I guess what Ive learnedor at least I think I haveis that theres really no
sure fire way to extreme success, except maybe lifetimes worth of hard
work and honing your unique craft. I guess one thing Im pretty sure of is
that when it comes to being a rock star-like person of any type, thats not the
type of shit they teach in school. The best way to figure out how to success
on the publishing or media entertainment market is to study and get advice
from people who are doing it successfully for a living. Success is often
contagious. One more efficient way to become successful is from being
around and interacting with other successful people.

P a g e | 1242

Of course, I could be completely wrong about this whole thing, because Im

not superstar writer or artist like Stephen King or Jamie Hewlett, but my gut
tells me Im not wrong. They can probably teach you the aesthetics and
mechanics of the craft in a place like art school. Yes they can teach you
things like anatomy, proportions, perspective, composition, the color wheel,
and things along those lines. But can they really teach something like
originality, inspiration, motivation, brilliance, or tenacity? I dont think you
really need to go to a school of any kind to learn things like thoseAnd on
another completely different note, can anyone really teach you how to
become happy? Usually people will seek out happiness in various forms, but
did anyone actually teach them how to become happy? Was it something
they learned or picked up? Im not really sure. Im trying to think back on
the times Ive felt really happy, and wonder if I learned how to feel happy. I
know Ive felt happy before, but I dont know if I actually learned how to do
such a thing. I dont think it would be something you could really teach,
because so many different things make so many different people happy.
Happiness-causing factors often vary from person to person.

Ive decided that even though Im not a nymphomaniac by any means, I

dont think Im going to really try putting an anti-sexual undertone in my
storytelling. For one thing, thats not reflective of semi-objective reality and
real life. I dont really want to cater to it either, like in pornography or
crappy bathroom humor entertainment like pornographic films, that
American Pie movie and countless other ones, or TV shows like The Man
Show, Undressed, or The 5th Wheel. I mean, sure, I do occasionally enjoy
seeing a woman reveal her bra or straddle over someone for personal
entertainment. Like nearly anyone else, sex does make me feel good. Im not
going to say seeing something like that doesnt make me feel genuine
superfluous pleasure. But I seriously dont think Id want to be the producer
or creator of a show, promoting blatant sexual desire to an extremely large
general audience. I think theres a difference between promoting sexual
desire for economic purposes and displaying it as a portrayal of reality for
artistic expression are two entirely different things. In my genuine opinion,
things like the films American Beauty and Pulp Fiction do the latter. MTV,
some of Kid Rocks music videos, some trash talk radio shows like Howard
Stern, pornographic magazines (as well as films and television) do the
former. Im not sure about pop-fiction. Its tough to tell about pop-fiction

P a g e | 1243

when some writing instruction books write entire chapters devoted to

subjects with a title like The Obligatory Sex Scene.
Mrs. Yingling is visiting our house today. She lives across the street from us
with her husband, Mr. Yingling. She gave me a card today while she was
over. Shes still here, actually, having a conversation with Mom in the
kitchen. The Yinglings are some of the neighbors my parents normally talk
to. Theyre not Asian, although maybe someone might mistake their last
name for an Asian name, but its not. Theyre white. Not that it matters what
ethnicity anyone is.

Also, I do realize that literary celebrities are more famous and most likely
have more money than creators who are famous on the comic book level.
Comic books, in generaleven the ones by the biggest comic book
company of all, Marvelboarder much closer to the line of fantasy than
actual reality. When you think about it, all comic books are portrayed with
various styles of artwork, not real images. Whereas, when youre reading a
novel, youre picturing events that are happening somewhere out in the
actual temporal world somewhere, which can make it tougher to be weird.
Novels are probably below movies and television, but theyre still above
comic books, according to public perception, both commercially and
artistically. In a way I like both, but Id rather not be stuck telling stories in
only one or the otherSpeaking of sex. Heres a random self-target
question: What two people in the news would you really like to have sex
with? My answers would probably have to be Kirsten Dunst and Natalie
Portman. Both play comic lead characters in their current and most popular
movies, which is cool as well, because if I were to watch either of those
movies (which I have not yet), Id get to see them for a longer amount of
time.

Now that Im more familiar with DJ Shadow as a musician, Im more aware

that he was pretty much behind the U.N.K.L.E. side project, and can
genuinely say that it was a shame that the Psyence Fiction album didnt do
well all that well commercially, especially when they had big names like
Thom Yorke and Mike D of the Beastie Boys. That has to be one of my
favorite recent albums, which I now own. I love that CD so much. Ive
listened to a good bit of it too many times to count. Cant wait to get that DJ
Shadow tee shirt in the mail, and buy his new album as well.

P a g e | 1244

Today was very interesting. Was checking out the official Jim Mahfood
message board todaybut not posting anything, of courseand it seems
like it pretty much consists of a lot of people who mostly hate jocks,
MTV, etc., and pretty much anything that Jim Mahfood publicly shuns in his
various comic book works, which is something youll often find in big
message boards of any popular comic book creator. People who will often
try to mimic the characteristics of the creator they greatly admire. Its like
theres this little emulative sub-community lurking on the Internet, where if
the creator/art god/genius says its okay to say something a certain way, not
like someone specific, or talk about certain pop culture icons, then pretty
much everyone does it, mostly out of fear of being ostracized by fellow fans.
Theres a weird sort of emulative conformity that goes on within many
online fan-forums. It gets kind of boring to read most of the time, because
everyone in those kinds of places tries to come off as exactly like the person
they idolize, only they hope for admiration and attention as well. Theres
some big flame-wars that go on in places like that. Not debates, mind you,
which involve intelligence, consideration, and an absence of curse words,
but flame-wars, which for the most part, contain an overabundance of
name-calling, insults, cheap shots, hatred, callousness, condescendence,
sarcasm, cynicism, and all that other crap that goes with verbal fights. Ill try
to stay away from most online forums more than I used to, because theyll
often just make me sad with their ignorance, unkindness, egotism, and
irreverence. Id rather just avoid reading it altogether. I think people online
take for granted the fact that theyre not speaking to other people face-toface, which is unfortunate. The more anonymity someone has with their
identity will often result in the more audacity and boldness they take with
whatever it is they choose to say to other people. I dont think Ive ever been
much of a fan of arrogance, negativity, disrespect, or cynicism.

Havent really skimmed my recent journal writings, but I think something

occurred to me about them. I think for a while, I havent really written about
any stories in the national or local news lately, which is something I did do
occasionally, a while ago. There are too many crime stories in the news. It
seems that the news tends to be infamous for reporting crime more than
nearly anything, partially because theres just so damn much illegal activity
that happens almost daily (or so it would seem). The only big news story I
can think of is that recent scandal in the church. All I can think to say about
that is that I feel awfully sorry for the Catholic Church right now. Theyve

P a g e | 1245

been getting quite a bad reputation with all these news stories about priests
who have turned out to be sex offenders. Its like something straight out of
an occasional Stephen King story or an issue of Garth Ennis Preacher
comic book. Some spiteful atheists will have probably had a field day with
that scandal, just like anti-Disney website webmasters have field days every
time something shadowy happens, which can somehow be associated to the
Walt Disney company in one form or another, regardless of how much
control the Disney corporation had over any particular thing.

10:38 p.m. right nowOne thing I can say is that I didnt know New Yorkrock and Detroit-rock were often so damn good. Id prefer those to mid-90s
Seattle-grunge anyway. I love The White Stripes, and The Hives, and they
both have that Detroit-rock feel to their music, except one of them is from
Sweden.

I do occasionally wonder if 50 years down the road, will the bands, TV

shows, films, publishing companies, artists, and writers that I write about in
this journal at times will be remembered or chronicled historically in any
way whatsoever. Im pretty sure Seinfeld, Madonna, Weezer, Stephen King,
Chuck Jones, and Steven Spielberg will all be remembered many years from
now. Im sure Chuck Jones will be associated with the all time cartoon
greats, like Walt Disney and Tex Avery; because of the amount of influence
hes had on the animation industry in general. He had an enormous influence
on Spielberg and John Lasseter, and that should certainly say a lot about the
quality and genius of his work. Lasseter and Spielberg have produced what
has obviously often been some irrefutably brilliant directorial work. I myself
am influenced by Chuck Jones as well, but also by Lasseter and Spielberg,
among many others, including Kurosawa, Tarantino, Shyamalan, Capra,
Lucas, Burton, Kubrick, Zemeckis, Bruce Timm, Peter Chung, Nick Park,
Henry Sellick, Bill Plympton, Todd McFarlane and Jamie Hewlett (for their
animated music videos for Pearl Jam, Korn, and Gorillaz) and the occasional
anime film director. Id like to get into directing, but as of now, Im having a
lot of fun as a writer and an artist, so Ill stick to those for now. As for the
topic of directors, there are some occasional television commercials and
music videos out there that have had some really great direction, but Im
often clueless as to which directors were behind them, despite how brilliant
they might be. Music videos and commercials have a very anonymous feel
to them. So do some TV shows.

P a g e | 1246

Got to go to the optometrist today, in about 30 minutes or so. Should be

easy. Have needed to get my eyes checked. I might need stronger lenses for
my spectacles, since I seem to have been having a bit of extra trouble seeing
things from a distance. I had trouble before, which was when I had to get
glasses to begin with, but I think my long distance vision may have gotten
worse recently. Id really hate going blind one day. I think that would really,
really suck. I think therere two disabilities Im afraid of getting in my old
age. They are not being able to use my hands anymore, and going blind. I
dont think being def would be quite as bad.

Its seems Ill most likely be going with Dad to purchase a laptop in the next
week or two, which should be interestingAll I can think to say this second
is that Im looking very forward to the future. Perhaps that of the near future,
or that of the distant one. Not entirely sure.

One thing I question is discussing my own sexuality publicly. I dont think

Id really want to say who Im dating or having sex with to a public
audience. That just seems sort of weird to me. If I ever get married in my
20s or 30s, I have doubt as to whether or not I should tell the general public
who my wife would be. I like the idea of remaining a mystery, and if you
find yourself the focus of a Larry King Live interview or a Rolling Stone
magazine article, or even a review of your book in The New York Times, that
would certainly make it increasingly hard to stay a mystery. Once you reach
celebrity status, it gets kind of complicated. People offer you things, or so
Ive read; they want your help, your guidance, your endorsement, or various
other things. Even for celebrities who arent displaying their mugs on
popular music videos on television 24/7 still have a decent amount of trouble
going out in public incognito, even relatively mysterious rock stars like
Rivers Cuomo, Trent Reznor, and Thom Yorke. Im sure they dont have
public email address. Theyd obviously get far too many to keep track of.
And Im sure they get an overwhelmingly large amount of fanmail nearly
every day, which from afar seems quite tedious to keep track of. I knew this
one girl who was friends with John D., and I got to hang out with her at
Johns birthday party a while back (when I was going to Center), and she
told me about how she accidentally met Trent Reznor at a club in Florida
one day. Im not sure which one. So even she was able to spot him. Guess
that answers the question of whether or not low-profile celebrities of his

P a g e | 1247

sort go unspotted. Shes a semi-goth of sorts, or so she claimed. She wasnt

dressed like a goth at all when I met her. She was pretty cool. I remember
during Johns birthday, the three of us went to a movie theatre in
Kissimmee, to see The Matrix when it came out. I really didnt like The
Matrix very much, but it seemed the two of them knew nearly every line,
and mumbled certain ones while watching the movie with me. That was
scary. Matrix fans are weird. Its a weird thing, witnessing fandom.

Went to the optometrist earlier today, and it turns out my vision has gotten
worse. They said theres a good chance it could even out at around the age
of 24 or 26, but thats a long way off. Ive gotten to the point where I pretty
much cant see anything more than ten inches away from my face without
my glasses. Thats fine though. Fortunately, I like the way I look in glasses.
Times have changed, too, like the lady at the office was saying to Mom and
I. In a way, glasses are viewedby guys more than by girlsas a kind of
status or image thing. She was telling us about how a couple men would
come to their office and get glasses from themselves, not because they even
needed glasses to help their vision in any way at all, but because they wanted
the look. They wanted to look classy or gentlemanly or intellectual or
whatever. To me, that sounds like a very superficial thing to do. But hey,
Im not those guys. I dont live their lives. Suppose they can do as they
please. I do not know them.

It turns out I might be a big candidate for laser eye surgery. Not sure how to
think about that. Its kind of weird. Ladies (who are older than me) and girls
very close toor right atmy age have often or occasionally called me
things like a Sweetie or CuteyHmm. Nah. Im more of a big awkward
dork really. Maybe a geek perhaps. Im pretty shy around women. Im
nowhere near the level of a supermodel type guy. Nor am I trendy or hip
really. Im more of an average guy youd see on the street, except more ugly,
and with a slightly rounder face, but not fat. On the official Oni Press
message board, I would always go by the poster alias of the ugly one,
basically so I could get that out of the way to begin with, and let people
down (females especially) as much as I could by reminding people of my
partial ugliness. Not to sound narcissistic or anything, but I guess the
personal feature of mine, which Id view as my favorite, would have to
either by my eyes, the tan skin, or my hair. Dont like the freckles though. A
lot of my Moms friends keep telling her about how much Ive grown since

P a g e | 1248

they saw me as a little kid. They all seem to speak of how big Ive gotten.
Dont usually give much thought to how much Ive grown since early youth.

As for being handsome, Im pretty sure Im not an attractive guy for the
most part. I doubt Ive ever met a woman whos had an overwhelming desire
to have sex with me. If there were one out there, Id like to meet her, for
what would probably be obvious reasons. And I dont think I mean groupies,
per say. I really doubt Ive met a woman like that. Good thing I probably
dont have to worry about that now. If I ever become a millionaire, powerful, or famous, I dont know how what would happen. I have no idea if that
would make me seem any more attractive, theres probably no guarantee
those things would do anything to increase my allure or appeal. I still
question whether Ill ever get the opportunity to lose my virginity, because I
havent yet.

I dont think Ill ever fully understand female psychology or sexuality. It

seems quite different from male sexuality in some ways. Guysincluding
myselfare probably hornier a lot more often than women. This is most
likely because guys have testosterone, and girls have estrogen. As for whos
smarter; theyre both probably equal in some regards. Some guys are
interested in girls who have slept with every guy, while I dont think it really
works anywhere near that much in a vice versa manner.

On the topic of females, it seems that theres a larger female literature

reading population than there is of a male one. I think there are probably
more girls who are interested in books than guys. Thats why theres so
many of those girly cheesecake romance novels with Fabio, etc., in them. I
like Stephen King and Michael Chrichtons books. Theyre books can often
capture that male mentality quite well, except I think Chrichton is a bit more
empathetic to the female perspective. Both are geniuses at what they do, and
that is write mega-popular, mega-entertaining, bestseller (and) thriller
novels, often with bizarre concepts. I also think more girls are probably
interested in fine art than guys, or at least from what Ive observed. The cool
thing about being at Crealdes classes was that there were often more girls in
the classes than guys, which was really cool. I think that might have been
one of the reasons that beautiful Elizabeth girl bothered to talk to a geek

P a g e | 1249

like me in class, and give me her phone number to boot. She didnt seem to
mind doing either, which is unusual, based on past experience in middle and
high school. But that whole situation seems to have fizzled out a bit, so Im
starting anew in some regards.

Christ! It seems like Ive written so much after the whole high school
graduation thing. Too much perhaps. Actually, Im not sure how much
writing is too much writing. The really weird thing is that I dont think the
graduation ceremony is even two weeks behind me. I counted the days its
been since I got back from the ceremony, and Im pretty sure that was 12
days ago. Since then, Ive finished about 2 journal files, one of them being
20 pages, and otherbeing the one Im working on nowis 21+ pages. Im
pleased with the amount of writing work thats been done in the last 12 or so
days, which equals to a total page amount of about 41+ pages, not counting
the ones I wrote in the journal file that includes the post Graduation
Ceremony pages, which I had to finish off before I went onto the next 2
ones.

Living life is constantly a challenge. Its one big challenge after another, but
that makes it partially fun, and partially nerve wracking. The yin and the
yang of life. I suppose one could call it The Tao of life, which could
probably be explained the best by the ancient sage Lao Tzu. Hes taught me
that you dont have to only seek creativity and pleasure in life, but also (and
probably more importantly) wisdom and happiness. I really love reading the
classic Taoist book Te-Tao Ching (or Tao-Te Ching). For instance here is
one page where Lao Tzu expounds upon the nature of the sage. It reads as
follows:

P a g e | 1250

In a way, when I think about the above paragraph, I kind of question Dave
Eggers motives, when he boldly titled his memoir A Heartbreaking Work of
Staggering Genius. That certainly takes some balls and courage, because it
opens him up as an easy target for criticism. Was reading some reviews on
Amazon.com of his book, and I thought a lot of them (many of the bad ones)
were unjustified. It shows that a lot of people who give personal reviews to
books on Amazon dont really review books on the same level that real book
critics do. For one thing, they arent paid to review books for a living. For
another thing, many of the bad reviews of A Heartbreaking Work of
Staggering Genius on Amazon stooped so low as to take cheap shots by
making fun of the title in their review titles (which is similar to something
the bullies at my high school did to other kids: They mocked them, because
they probably didnt know how to be more tactful or courteous), and saying
the book had No originality, humor, wit, intelligence or any other positive
words one might use to describe a book they love. Some even called eggers
an egomaniac. If he were such an egomaniac, how come you dont see
him trying to blatantly show his image everywhere? How come the photo of
him inside the paperback is so small, and doesnt take up an entire page,
which is often the case in many New York Times best-selling novelists,
most of who dont write have as creatively or with as much vigor as he, T.S.
Eliot, or Frank McCourt do? A poor guy like Eggers cant have anywhere
near as much of a large ego, pretentiousness, or arrogance as someone such
as Fred Durst, Kid Rock, Christina Aguilera, Pink, the Backstreet Boys, Jay-

P a g e | 1251

Z, Puff Daddy, Jennifer Lopez, Mandy Moore, and a countless number of

other pop stars of the past, present, and future, whichwhen at the zenith of
their popularitycan be seen on one of the most overexposed mediums of
all, television nearly every two minutes. They all have what seems to be one
thing in common: The desire for their personal image to be the most famous
thing they produce. More famous than their actual creative work. Its sad
really. Those amateur reviewers can be as negative as they want. That wont
make people like myself or the other Dave Eggers fans, or any of the
rather large number of nationally published literary critics (who actually
gave the book kind reviews and could see something positive in that
book)love or appreciate that book any less than it should be. Its a great
book, and I dont really give a fuck what its detractors say. You either like it
or you dont. Plain and simple. That can be said for any book. I dont see
why some people seem to enjoy trying to make other people hate a single
piece of entertainment as much as they do. That act alone is extremely
arrogant and selfish. Why try to rain on other peoples parades in as public a
fashion as you possibly can? Thats yet another bad thing about the Internet.

If the Pulitzer Prize committee nominates an author for a Pulitzer, I

seriously doubt that theres no logic (or rhyme, or reason) to their
nominative decision. As is probably the case with many prestigious awards.
If a book wins a Pulitzer (or a Nobel), or gets a nomination, that obviously
demonstrates that theres something dwelling within the book and its voice
that had not previously existed in other books, and the majority of other
books which were released the same year. The point of this rant is that if
something wins an award, theres most likely a reason for it. Its an
achievement someone has attained, and people shouldnt have the right to
take that pride away from anyone who achieves such a feat. The most
obvious reason being that the individuals critics did not attain such a feat.

In the newest issue of Rolling Stone, there was another article about the
supposedly neurotic and antsy genius behind Weezer, Rivers Cuomo.
Thankfully, it was a cool article. RS tends to give Weezer a lot of good press
lately, and deservedly so. Personally, I thought what River has accomplished
lately has been really quite amazing, both by himself and with his band. He
publicly stated in the article that during the last three and a half years,
currently, hes written 377 different songs. Hes a very passionate
songwriter, so Im sure a very large amount of those songs are probably very

P a g e | 1252

good, although Ive only heard the lyrics hes put in his songs, which every
Weezer appreciator seems to know of. Id bet money theyre good lyrics.
What I wouldnt give for a day to hang out with him and do nothing but ask
him a million questions about his individual creative process and the
aesthetics of his musical pop creation mechanics. This desire doesnt really
surprise me, because I fucking idolize the guy in some sense. His prolificacy
is quite obvious, as is his brilliance for pop sensibilities. My only question
which hinders on heathenism and skepticismis that if hes written so many
goddam songs, why has his band only put out four whole albums so far,
especially considering how well the group has done creatively and
commercially? A lot of people have criticized Pinkerton, the Green album
and basically anything that isnt the Blue album. But honestly, I like
Maladroit more overall than anything theyve done previously. I like all
their albums at least a little bit, but definitely like Maladroit the best,
speaking in an integral sense.

P a g e | 1253

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 72

P a g e | 1254

June 2002

Jeez, man. I had no idea. Maybe I should start from the beginning

I remember quite clearly about how I used to sort of be friends with a gang
of buddies in my middle school band class at the middle school I went to.
One of those clowns was Matt C. At the time I was attending the class, I
remember Matt and another friend of mine, Johnny B, being really into the
whole local Floridian/Orlando garage band thing. Matt was always talking
about this guy he knew, by the name of Rob, or Rob Thomas, who was with
a band that had three other members, which at the time a type of
underground local one, which was apparently trying to break out into the
mainstream American music scene. Used to call themselves Tabithas
Secret, but changed it to Matchbox 20. At the time, I thought somewhat
condescendingly at the time, Yeah yeah. Whatever. Another one of those
local bands trying to get big. There are millions of those around here. Good
luck with that thing anyway. In band class, Matt talked about how Matchbox
20s first real music video (their first one that did well) was going to have
nude ladies in it. And it did, but their images were blurred out when aired on
TV. I remember turning on the TV one day after school, on either MTV or
VH1, and seeing their video for Push, noticing it was all shot in black-andwhite, and going Whoa! Matts friends band is on national TV! Thats neat!
When I saw it on TV for the first time, I assumedthinking about how
difficult it is to break into the mainstreamthat that one time I saw it that
day would probably be one of the only times I saw the Matchbox 20: Push
music video on any music video channel, at all, and would thus be the last
time Id be able to see that band who my friend seemed to know pretty well,
on TV. I assumed the networks would not care, and ditch the video, taking it
out of rotationnot because I didnt like the band. I liked what I heard on
the Push song from them. But because I figured, most of corporate major
label music business tends to like screwing over bands who are local and
trying to break outand that would be the end of that. But later on, I think it
might have been then next day, I turned to the music video stations again,

P a g e | 1255

and there was the Push music video. All over VH1 and MTV, in a pretty
heavy rotation at the time. I think it was then that I realize Matchbox Twenty
was no longer just on the level of aspiring local band, which youll find all
over the place in Florida, but a full-blown big mainstream act. I thought it
would be pretty big when I first saw it, but I didnt think it would end up
being as big as it actually has been. I had no fucking idea. I wont deny that
the album Yourself or Someone Like You is a good album, because it is. I
was also able to verify that Matt did in fact know Rob Thomas personally,
when I looked on the thank you notes of the Yourself or Someone Like
You album, and read under the part that said Rob Would Like To Give
Special Thanks To: and underneath, it said Much thanks to the Cicero
Family, the Pryor family; Matt and Jeff I dont know who Jeff is, but I
know who Matt is. Thomass bands music has mainstream appeal. I did
notice one thing though. It seemed like everything the band did at that time
was in black-and-white. So when I was talking to Matt one day in band
class, the subject of Matchbox 20 came up, and I wanted to know something.
Matt was still keeping in pretty consistent contact with Thomas at the time, I
think.
Are they going to do their next album in color? I asked.
Matt laughed. He thought the question was pretty funny. I think he said
Maybe or something like that.
Then the year 2000 came around, and after the platinum sales of Yourself
or Someone Like You, Matchbox 20 changed their name to Matchbox
Twenty, because they said they didnt want to get confused with other
bands that have numbers in their names. Then Mad Season came out. Low
and behold, their second album came out, it was in color. There was a blue
background and a fat man in a gown with a red hat, who looked somewhat
similar to the other fat guy pictured on Yourself or Someone Like You. And
sometime around then, Thomas did a solo collaborative song, or album
single, with Carlos Santana, called Smooth on his comeback album,
Supernatural. Jesus. Thats when the shit really hit the fan, and Thomas got
some extreme fame, money, and critical success. The Supernatural album
stayed and stayed at number #1 on the Billboard charts for what seemed like
a ridiculous amount of time, and went onto sell, I think around 40 million
copies or so, establishing Carlos Santana as a true legend, and winning both
Carlos and Rob a large number of Grammy awards. It all seemed to
skyrocket from there. I would see Rob (both with and without his band) in
everything from Rolling Stone to Spin magazine to MTVs Live at the 10
Spot to VH1 Storytellers to all kinds of other magazines to the E!
Entertainment channel, where the hosts of one of their fashion shows were

P a g e | 1256

commenting on Robs outfit he wore to the Grammys ceremony. And dont

even get me started about radio play. That seems to be constant and
perpetual. I think the Mad Season album got a couple Grammy nominations,
one of them being in an album category, but I dont remember the specific
categories exactly. It also sold a lot of copies. Ive seen him in Rolling Stone
magazine quite a few times actually, during the last couple years, which is
really cool, because I knew someone who knew he and his band, before they
broke out. Theyd been known to stay at Matts house from time to time,
from what Ive heard. Actually, I remember Matt telling me one day that
the drummer from Matchbox Twenty would be at his house, and I could
hang out at Matt Ciceros house and meet the drummer, Paul Doucette, but I
said Nah at the time, because I dont think I had any conception of what
their group would, in fact, end up accomplishing. Im not trying to sound
like a hanger-one kind of person, because Im not, but I think part of it was
also that at the time, theyre album Yourself or Someone Like you was the
only thing out at the time, and I was kind of intimidated about meeting the
guy, because I knew Paul Doucette was already quite famous. Matt has a
really cool mini-studio in his house, with drums, guitars, etc., in his
bedroom, and Ive been over to Matts house a couple times with Johnny to
have jam sessions which is what you call when people take instruments
like a garage band, and make up songs. I played drums over there, since at
the time, the three of us were goddam drum fanatics. I think its really neat
to see that Robs band has done so unbelievably well. Ill say flat out right
now that Ive never met Rob Thomas personally, but still felt like I came
extremely close to knowing him, because I knew Matt, and Matt knew Rob.
I often feel like everyone seems to have one of those I know someone who
knows someone famous stories to tell. I guess thats mine, so Im writing it
down. It seemed like Matt absolutely idolized Rob Thomas when he knew
him, and actually looked a lot like Rob when I knew Matt. The three of us,
after middle school ended, kind of ended up going our separate ways.
Actually, I remember him and Johnny actually ended up having a kind of
bitter rivalry between each other, and both were sick of each others music.
Johnny grew to be more into music like Dave Matthews Band with really
good drummers, bands like Strung Out, and some other stuff that was much
less radio friendly than Matchbox Twenty. He and I both agreed that the
drummer from Matchbox Twenty wasnt anywhere near as good as the
drummer for DMB. Carter Beauford had way more skill, though I did point
out to Johnny one day, when we were driving around town in his car and
going to various places, that Matchbox Twenty was able to craft some pretty
damn catchy and appealing songs, even if they were now considered very

P a g e | 1257

mainstream. He agreed, but still seemed to hold that grudge he seemed to

have with Matt. Neither of them had a grudge with me really, but I noticed
the grudge they had against one another. Its kind of weird the way people
react success.
Anyway, I saw Matt Cicero a couple years later after middle school, when I
was working at Goodings, and it was cool getting to see an old friend again.
He was boasting about the girlfriend he was in a relationship at the time,
who was apparently Really, really hot as he said. Hes seemed euphoric
about being able to date someone so attractive. So I couldnt tell he wasnt
bullshitting me. More power to him, I thought. But I couldnt help but
wonder if maybe he had used some name-dropping and associative clout. I
dont know. Had I been in his kind of situation, I might very well have done
the same thing. Most guys probably would. When I normally meet people in
places, I dont think Ive ever really brought up the Rob Thomas story,
except to my parents. And just today, I thought to myself, Maybe Ill look at
the Matchbox Twenty website, just to see what theyre fans and things are
saying. What I saw at www.matchboxtwenty.com, quite frankly, scared the
shit out of me. I was overwhelmed by the devotion and flat out music
fandom people had to Rob and the band. Lots and lots of girls were talking
about how they love Rob and want to fuck him, etc., etc. It kind of
scared me, because its tough to come to terms with things like that. I dont
feel like I could idolize someone like Rob and his band as a pure fan, even
though I think there music itself is very well done. Some members of the
official Matchbox Twenty board also mentioned that they would want to
also fuck Jack Black and that lead singer guy from The Goo Goo Dolls,
which seemed kind of bizarre, consider it was a MB20 board. This is
because it feels like I nearly knew him personally (only not completely). It
just scared me to see people react to near-acquaintances in the same way
celebrity-worshippers and groupies would react to any other celebrities who
are as famous. I was looking at the Fan Community section, and saw all
kinds of people posting. People from everywhere. From Oregon to Chicago,
California, New York, England, Ireland, Canada, and all kinds of different
places in the US and across the world. The guestbook was filled with fans
expressing their various devotions, inspiration from the albums, and
obsessions with Rob and Matchbox Twenty. There were some girls writing
about how much they were in love with Rob Thomas and kept requesting
he email them, which was scary. Ha ha. Like thats gonna happen, the
friggin stalkers. I didnt post my association to the band or anything,
because I was afraid Id get a ton or replies and get mauled by the online
Matchbox Twenty fans, who really werent close to the band in any, didnt

P a g e | 1258

know them in any way, other than the fact that they bought the albums, saw
them in the media, and maybe went to their concerts and got autographs or
something.
I really got to talk about something else now, if I dont get too tired. I dont
like the idea of blatant name dropping, but I think that short informational
synopsis kind of thing, which was more to tell a story and write about how I
partially witnessed others relationship to someone who rose from obscurity
to massive fame and popularity. Shit like that doesnt really happen to you
every day.

Wow, I just found out the Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Dave Barry
whom Ive written a fan letter to and gotten a response from in the pastis
in fact an atheist, and has most likely always been. Personally, I think thats
really interesting. Ever since Ive heard of his work, I figured he had a
theistic belief system of some sort, because he did mention the term God
in one of his columns, but I suppose it was meant in a sort of semi-sarcastic
context. Guess I figured he meant it seriously, which doesnt seem to be the
case. I guess I myself am more of a pantheist kind of Zen Buddhist/Taoist,
but I do share some of the pragmatic reasoning the secular brands of
ideology have, too. Who knows? Maybe Im actually just a closet-Catholic
of something? Nah. I think Im more of just a philosopher with some
Catholic tendencies. That sounds more reasonable to meJohn D thought I
was Jewish, but thats not really true.

I sometimes wonder why some guys end up paying for sex. Some guys buy
prostitutes, despite the fact that the ones Ive seen on shows like Cops have
been extremely ugly. I dont know. I have trouble finding relationships all of
the time, but I dont think Ive ever even considered paying a woman for
sex. I cant understand how some men are that simply obsessed with sex, for
what seems like all hours of the day, all the time. Its actually pathetic.
Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of, but I think that buying whores
probably would be. It means someones stooping to that low of a moral
level. I dont know about groupies because if someones famous, they dont
have to pay for that, but prostitutes I certainly do not understand.

P a g e | 1259

Listening to Kid A right now, and I guess there is Everything in its right
place, and There are two colors in my head.

I think its actually pretty interesting to see how I can have a change of
heart on some things sometimes. For instance, like how in the beginning of
my journal writings, there actually kind of seemed to be an anti-romantic
tone to them. But just recently, in my last journal, Journal #73, around the
end of that file, I went through what seemed like a change of heart for some
reason. I dont know exactly. I was talking about my romantic and sexual
moments (or thoughts) Ive had in my life, which came into being most
recently. I dont know. I think I actually felt glad to get that sensual kind of
aura off my chest. Maybe then it will go away. Theres not much room for
the concept of sexual pleasure, love relationships, and passion in an
archetypical life of intellectual pursuit. Sexual activity doesnt really seem to
involve much thinking, but it feels very, very good. Ill admit that.

One good thing Ive noticed about my latest mentality overall has been that
I dont think Ive really felt depressedin any wayin the last couple of
weeks. Ive kind of just lived from day to day, and have not really felt a
despair of any kind. I think two or three days ago, I was complaining in my
writing about being bored and not working on anything in a professional and
creative way, but even then I dont think that was the bad kind of depression
Ive known in the past, where you think about desperation, death, and
violence. What can I say? I guess this: I dont hate life, I dont hate people, I
think everyone deserves to find happiness, that all people are equal on the
scale of humanity, that theres no reason for hatred, Im not extremely afraid
of death, I dont feel despair, Im looking forward to my future, my social
anxiety has decreased considerably, and I dont think Im really afraid of
moving to Fort Lauderdale very much anymore. Figured I should list the
positive.

One of the artists whose work I like is Ted Naifah. Hes got the whole
black-and-white indie gothic-influenced artwork thing going on. I thought
him and Serena Valentino made a good pair, back when they both worked
on Gloomcookie from SLG Publishing. Naifah has since moved onto Oni.
John Gebbias artwork in Gloomcookie was OK, I suppose, but it was more

P a g e | 1260

simplistic, not as well done, and I dont like his artwork anywhere as much
as I do Naifahs. Gloomcookie wasnt anywhere as good as certain other
books from SLG, like Dork!, Slow News Day, Milk & Cheese, JtHM,
Nightmares and Fairytales, The Waiting Place, The Wretch, or I Feel Sick,
which have to be some of Slave Labors best titles of all, but Gloomcookie is
still an enjoyable read at times nonetheless.

I hope one day Ill get to see some overseas countries. Im particularly
thinking about places such as England, Canada, Ireland, France, and
Australia. And of course theres Japan. Germany might be nice to see also.
Its probably safer to fly now than it was around September of last year,
when the whole terrorism thing came up. I mean, there are still threats, but
as far as everyone knows right now, thats all they are. Threats. I mean, I
really do love living in America. Its just that sometimes, Id like to get
outside of my home country and see some foreign cities and countries,
getting to interact with distant cultures. Should I ever get the money, I
definitely plan to travel internationally.

Would really like to get back to drawing today. Id love to draw some stuff
at the table. Thatd be very nice. Guess Ill just have to see how today
goes

I think modern American animation, for the most part, lacks depth. Well,
unless you count shows like The Simpsons, Duckman, Daria, King of the
Hill, Futurama, or the Spawn animated series, which were all very
intelligent shows, along with a couple others. But a lot of cartoons on
television just seem kind ofdumb. Its tough to completely explain it. I
dont really watch cartoons as much as I used to. Aside from the fact that a
lot of the shows I like are rarely on TV anymore, and now theres just so
many I just cant convince myself to sit down and watch. I still want to make
various kinds of animation as my first profession, but I dont think that
means I really have to like all other cartoons made by other people as well,
unless I actually do like them.

P a g e | 1261

All I can think is that thank God Im not a real rock star in a band. I dont
think Im one of those people who want to deal with all those people trying
to climb over each other to just to try getting you attention or to meet you or
whatever. It seems kind of neat, when looking in from the outside, but
theres a lot of shit that goes with it. I dont want that! Maybe its bad idea
wanting to be an author of something, be it comic book, animated series,
film, or novel. I like making creative phenomena become manifest, in the
same way someone like J.D. Salinger, Thom Yorke, or Ken Wilber do. But I
dont think I want the attention. At all. Celebrity worship kind of scares the
shit out of me at times, especially after I see places like Matchbox Twentys
official website. Its like Rob is no longer a person anymore. Its like hes
the multi-millionaire, multimedia celebrity, multi-Grammy winning rock star
god. Jesus fucking Christ! Even seemingly mysterious guys like Rivers
Cuomo and Trent Reznor get hassled by groupies and people who cling to
them as icons or whatever. And theyre nowhere as glamorous as those
new metal and hip-hop acts. I think that song Stan by Eminem pretty
much sums it up, even though the whole Guy drives himself and pregnant
girlfriend over a bridge on a stormy night because his idol wasnt able to
reply to his mail soon enough is obviously meant to exaggerate the concept.
I guess in a way, maybe I am scared of the potential spotlight, even though I
might not ever be in the spotlight. I dont know. Maybe I should just work
on getting ready for college, but still stay inside of my house most of the
time. Im not a celebrity, but I dont know. I dont think I want to interact
with strangers much of the time. Its tough to just find people on the street
from out of nowhere with the same or similar interests. Also, do I really
want to end up reading on the Internet about what an asshole I am? Im not
sure about relationships. I always hear about my various friends of the past
and their girlfriends, like John H and Stephen H from school. They had more
luck with girls than I have. And my brother cant seem to get over Jinnel,
even though shes pretty much never called him back for a long time. Its a
long story. I dont know if I want to deal with a girlfriend right now, or a
wife, or a family. And I dont think I want people telling me I need someone
in my life either. Girls, kids at school neighbors, relatives, friends, and
teachers who Ive talked to pretty consistently have pretty consistently asked
me that same freaking question:
So, do you have a girlfriend?
To which my reply currently will of course be, No.
Greg at school then counter-questioned me by saying What!? Are you
gay??

P a g e | 1262

I shook my head in rejection of that question. Sex and sexual activity seems
to be all Greg thinks about. Hes a typical male.

Not sure what else to write about. Maybe I should just shut up.
Am getting kind of fucking sick of hearing my parents gripe at me. Dad
gets pissed off when I stay up late, even though Ive graduated high school
and dont have to wake up early the next day. They think Im still a little kid,
and that they can tell me exactly how to live my life, even though I dont act
like a rebel in any way. Im just tenacious. I really just want to move out,
find a job, and buy my own house or something of that nature, so I can live
on my own and get the hell away from Mom and Dad, so people will leave
me the fuck alone. Maybe I sound like a jerk now, but I dont care. I would
like time alone to draw, write, and make stories that I can format more
formally.

I dont think I even know what kind of entertainment I want to create

anymore. I feel like I cant categorize it anymore. I feel like I lost my
direction a long time ago, when I realized how bad a large amount of new
entertainment has gotten lately. In a way, it makes me wonder why I even
want to participate in a medium like that. Its like I see through it all now.
The idea of celebrity is bullshit, you dont need to be rich to be happy
(actually, sometimes, having a lot more money can make you less happy
than you were before), and it sometimes seems like the more a celebrity tries
to hide from the public, the more it only seems to create more desire for
regular people to be even more nosy and pry in the guys business. Its
like the more successful than other people you become, the more complex
life gets. It also seems like the more someone tries to present a certain
image, the more the general public will interpret it the wrong way. I think I
used to want to be someone like Steven Spielberg, Ken Wilber, Jhonen
Vasquez, Jean-Paul Sartre, Albert Einstein, the Dalai Lama, DJ Shadow,
Moby, Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan, Rivers Cuomo, Lama Surya
Das, Robert M. Pirsig, Trent Reznor, Dave Eggers, Jeff Smith, Neil Gaiman,
JK Rowling, Jim Mahfood, Evan Dorkin, Kevin Smith, Yoshitaka Amano,
Jamie Hewlett, Brian Michael Bendis, or a various number of other
celebrities, but now that Ive read all kinds of things on the Internet, I realize
how hard it would be to live the kind of life those people live. These names
are constantly discussed and work debated on various Internet message

P a g e | 1263

boards, and at times the national and international media. It seems larger
than life, and in one sense, it is. But there are numerous difficulties and
bizarre circumstances that go with it. I may sound like a whiney bitch thats
out of his league here, but Im pretty sure theres a partially objective
perspective here. Or at least Id hope so. I cant imagine the amount of
scrutiny these journal files might face, should they ever go public one day. It
would probably be better for me if they never did.

As for writing publicly, Ive been debating for quite some time now
whether to write an actual book, a piece of public writing, that anyone who
sees its cover and decides to purchase it can access and make it their own. I
mean, a book. A novel, probably. Not just something to keep in one of my
drawers in this bedroom, only for Joey to read. It would be something Id
start with the intent of national publication, which is a goal Ive sought for a
long time, but now that I feel much closer than before to it, Im not sure if I
really want to go through with it, because something like that changes your
life, and it doesnt seem like you can ever completely go back, especially if
your book sells a lot of copies. Maybe Im scared of writing a bestseller,
because in some ways, I fear what might come with success, mostly from
doing a lot of research in various places on the subject. I mean, I do like this
journal. Enjoy reading it. But Im the only one that gets to read it currently.
And Im not sure if I want to let people into my life in that way. I guess, in
one sense, Ive grown kind of dazed and confused about how to pursue the
rest of my life, because I dont know what will happen, but I fear potential.
For one thing, I have no idea what kind of people might want to pay to read
or see my work, if anyone. I dont really think Im a big word user. Plenty
of writers most likely have me beat on this. Especially the classic
philosophers, who are very good a finding specific categorizations for
concepts and various phenomena.

And when I think about success, I realize I dont really want an ocean of
praise, or an ocean of scrutiny and criticism, though I can accept a little bit
of either the former or the latter. I really just want to tell a story and
communicate to the reader. And as for recognition and awards: 101 More
Favorite Play Therapy Techniques has done well in its genre and was a
semi-successful categorical bestseller, I got a newspaper mention in The
Orlando Sentinel (not by choice) that let around 72,000 people in the local
cities know that I was the 2002 Salutatorian graduate at my high school as

P a g e | 1264

well as see my graduate photo, and I won the 2002 Whos Who Among
American High School Students, which apparently not many kids receive (if
I recall, its less than 20%). I think thats more than enough recognition and
awards for this man. And I got over $800 in total from various people I
know for graduation money. Have also just bought a laptop, which I love.
Why the hell would I want more than that, or even as much as Ive gotten?
Fuck. Contemplating all this is making me fucking frustrated. I feel weak
and sweaty and my spine feels cold. I feel horrible. Im going to do
something else, other than write. This is beginning to piss me off.

Based on experience, it seems like living in contemporary American

culture is confusing and at time hectic, even when youve lived in this
country for the majority of your existence. Mine being only a little bit over
17 or 18 years. How should I go into this? There have been some topics
floating around in my head: Success, rock star status, school. Ill try to
organize this.

Whenever I try to talk about my frustrations to Mom, she gets mad at me

because she thinks Im jumping from point A to point Z without justificationand we usually argue about it. Ill explain, Mom is quite convinced
that to go from being a teenager right out of high school to successful
status is simply a matter of following from point, to point, to point, in a
specific pattern. I strongly believe, otherwise from everything Ive read,
heard, seen, watched, etc. in all kinds of different media (comic books,
music, movies, TV, the Internet, radio, literature, art. From everything from
Kevin Smiths story to Matt Groenings story, to Steven Spielberg, to
Stephen King, to Dave Eggers, to Jhonen Vasquez, to Thomas J. Stanley, to
Dave Eggers, all kinds of musicians, Frank McCourt, Martin Luther King,
van Gogh, Todd McFarlane, John Lasseter, J.C. Penney, Mozart, Albert
Einstein, etc.) All kinds of celebrities, world leaders, my favorite
entertainers, award winners. Im not convinced theres a set amount of
training or pattern that is required to attain that specific kind status, which
seems admirable by many. Im pretty certain that you dont have to have
formal education, specific instructors, a certain I.Q., good looks, or even (in
some cases) charisma. You have to have authentic talent, drive,
individuality, and tenacity, even when everyone tells you that you cant do
something. When people tell you You cant do it!, if you really have talent
and true vision, dont fucking listen to them! Thatll never do you any good.

P a g e | 1265

If you have what it takes, meet the right people who have the capacity to get
your work out there, and work your ass off, then theres a good chance
youll succeed. A very large amount of peoplemy parents includedseem
to think that very few people attain success, and the majority of it is luck,
and that you have to have a college education, or formal education in your
field. The Millionaire Mind put it pretty well: The harder you work, the
luckier you get. You can have all the formal training in the world, but if
you dont have the talent, vision, drive, and tenacity to get to the top, you
more than likely wont make a name for yourself and will probably be
another face in the crowd of many, because you didnt learn how to properly
distinguish yourself. No one needs to tell you how to do well. If you have
the drive and ability to do well, youll do well. My parents often think Im
wasting time writing in this journal, and probably also think that it wont
amount to anything. They think it doesnt take any real work to fill up these
pages with writing. Well, theyre fucking wrong. Doing what I do in this
journal takes a lot of creative and mental work. My sentences are not
incoherent. My grammar is a lot better than it used to be, and Im constantly
trying to find ways of saying something new. Is it genius? I dont really
know. It depends on how you define the word. I think its more of just a
drive to make creative work, and to express myself with words on paperin
a different way than 2-D pencil drawings seem to express. Art is more about
reactions and emotional perceptionin the most efficient manner I can think
of. Ive been writing so much latelyespecially when I consider how little
of an amount of time I have left until Im moving to a dorm room in Fort
Lauderdale to go to art school. Not writing schoolbecause Ive noticed
that Im pretty sure Ive finally started to develop my own unique writing
voice. In the last couple months I was reading things by Frank McCourt,
John Steinbeck, Daniel Keyes, Stephen King, T.S. Eliot, Ken Wilber, Dave
Eggers, Jhonen Vasquez, Christopher Buckley, some quantum physics
books, philosophy books, Internet news articles, and Rolling Stone
magazine. These were obviously all influences, in one way or another. At
first, I noticed I was forming what seemed like an intrinsic amalgamation of
certain elements of these various things. But then the nucleic form of that
amalgam began to shift into something entirely of its own devices. Fueled by
a sense of a seemingly higher truth and purpose for perhaps a transient
amount of time, I also got into writing journals and philosophical essays.
And I went through what seemed like a type of Buddhistic, mystical,
spiritual, or maybe transcendental phase. Enlightenment has probably not
been attained yet. This was all while I was being somewhat of a recluse.
This was mixed in with the arguments of my family, Andrews occasional

P a g e | 1266

kidney stone attacks (which were painful to see him go through), and the
high school graduation, which was a welcome surprise. And just in the last
couple weeks, Ive been feeling this sort of strong, very American, lustful,
secular kind of sexual drive. Its weird being able to write all this shit down
here, and seeing this mind in this head shift through (what seems like)
various sorts of evolutions. Occasional stream-of-consciousness semiinsights. All this has overwhelmed me a bit. Perhaps should get back to
meditation, to shut the mind off a bit. More than it has been, at least. Ive
been thinking too much. This mind needs to shut up!

Mom just told me shed always be my number one fan. Thats good to
know. I just hope shes right when she says that.

All right! Dad just got home not too long ago, and it turns out that the mail
came today, and I just got my two Weezer shirts, both black, one of which
Im wearing now. The long sleeve one look really neat underneath my
collared buttoned-down red shirt. I guess I sort of want to display my
Weezer fandom to the world, or at least anyone outside of my house. I am
not ashamed. Theyre great shirts, and I will wear them with the other shirts
until they either get worn and torn or too small, where they make me look
fat. They all look pretty good with the gray khaki cargo pocket pants. They
dont resemble the color combinations, or clothing shape of people Ive
seen. Yes, I do know that some other young people wear long sleeve shirts
under short sleeve shirts, but I think thats a neat look, not because I have
any sort of desire to look like the majority of other people. Personally, I like
these new various looks than any of my other previous looks. Those include
blue jeans, sweatpants, a leather jacket, Hawaiian shirts, and older tee shirts
with various pictures on them. I love all kinds of clothing. These just happen
to be my newest fascination. I dont know. Perhaps Im completely ditching
my old, more childish kid self. I dont think Im really trying to be as goofy
as I used to want to. I dont think that really serves much of a purpose. I
dont know. Maybe I just have less tolerance for bullshit from other people.
Those posers in backwards Yankees caps, and undershirts, that shave their
heads, drive around in trucks and sometimes-lowered vehicles, and harass
various people who they dislike, because they have nothing better to do.
Those fuckers. Yeah, you know the people. Not all people who drive trucks.
Just people of that particular subculture, which I occasionally see when Im
out and about town. The ones who listen to some popular music, who call

P a g e | 1267

themselves pimps, players, and whatnot. The reason I hold some spite is
because those kind of people, the in-crowds and cliques, who used to
make fun of me, and gave me nightmares when I was a little kid, growing up
in a blue collar suburban neighborhood.
I think I may be going through what My Generation magazine has aptly
titled a Begin-life Crisis which supposedly like a Mid-life Crisis. Only the
magazine wrote that it begins at the age of 18 and goes through 34. I
think that might be happening to me. Im not depressed, but I am, at times,
nervous and irritable, which were two of the three traits listed in the
magazine.

I dont know. In a way, Im still a boy. Im trying to grow up more than I

have in the past, but I guess I still have quite a bit left.

I do realize Ill never be as good or original as authors like Hemingway,

John Steinbeck, Isaac Asimov, Leo Tolstoy, T.S. Eliot, Ray Bradbury,
Robert Frost, Ken Wilber, Robert M. Pirsig, Jean-Paul Sartre, J.D. Salinger,
Gao Xingjian, Harper Lee, and many others. But Im going to try to at least
do my own thing, in what will hopefully not resemble the work of another
author too much. I can at least try to do the best I can. And maybe one day
someone somewhere else will read it and enjoy it a little bit. Thats the finite
goal in this case.

Getting closer to having 9 or so pages written today, which is not bad. I

was off and on the computer all day today, surfing the Internet occasionally
and watching a little bit of TV. But I got bored, and came back to this laptop.
So sue me, motherfucker. I still do greatly admire poignancy, and
sentimentality. But maybe I just dont show it as much, because Im letting
out a lot more raw feelings. I dont even remember about 80% of the ka-ka
Ive written down. I just enjoy the feeling of writing and creating so much. I
feel just as much energy crafting words on this word processor that I did in
the first half of high school, when I was working on a portfolio, and drawing
with pencils, pens, markers, etc. This was used to render and design
drawings. Still got to get back to that. But it sort of feels like Ive reached
what seems like a transient/perennial writing Nirvana. So many words,

P a g e | 1268

phrases, and concepts are coming out of this brain. Its like I have no control
over them anymore. Its like an ocean of words are just spilling out onto the
screen. Cant stop it. Just have to sit back and watch the journally magical
goodness happen. This will need to stop pretty soon in the next few days
though. It needs to fucking stop! The only term I can think to describe this
phase is by calling it the emcee of the written word phase. Theres pretty
much no censoring here. Sorry, folks. This writer does realize that this
journal at times contains contents that could be considered the following:
TVMA, NC-17, R (Restricted), Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics/Content.
Or whatever the hell kind of warning labels they use in entertainment
nowadays. I dont care what the Decency League of Concerned Christians
Mothers, or something like that thinks of my mind or writing. I believe how
what a kid reads affects the person depends on the individual mentality of
the person. Some people (including kids) are mature enough to read a book,
watch a movie, etc., and realize its not objective reality. Realize that its not
something you imitate in the real world, like some of those idiots you see
going into their high schools with weapons. Thats a horrible, thoughtless
thing to do, which makes those kids no better than the preps and jocks
they constantly rant against and write nasty kill-list things about in their
journals, while quoting Rammstein and Manson lyrics directly off of the
Antichrist Superstar albumobviously Marilyns best album. Best when
Trent was producing him. After Trent left, the music went to shit. Also, I
listened to Mr. Manson before Columbine happened, by the way; Just so I
can clear a thing or two up, hopefullysort of like what Ive done at times
to people who have made me angry at times. Those angry remarks I make
were written to blow off steam, not to build any personal hatred. Personally,
I do like The Marshall Mathers LP. My brother finally gave me a burnt copy
of the CD, because he says he doesnt really like it anymore. I see it as a
brilliantly creative, yet morbidly deranged album, which just happens to
have some enjoyable hip-hop rhythms in it. But am I going to go out and
become a homophobe hard drug-using rebel? No. I have a bit too much
cognitive functionality to misconstrue a musical CD for something more
serious than it should really be seen as, which is entertainment. Just like
reading the Harry Potter books probably wont make you worship the devil
or practice Wicca, Paganism, and black magic. It will however make you
cheer the quite timid Harry on as he comes face to face with the evil lord
Voldemort. I read Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone, and really loved
that book. It was pure fun. But I never considered the idea of getting real
world ideas from the book until those Pro-Christian groups protested the
books, having entire book-burning ceremo-nies and all that shit. Why do

P a g e | 1269

people want to go to all that trouble just to display their distaste for
something? Isnt that another form of bigotry?
For today, Monday, June 3rd, Ive written about 5,109 words in total so far
today, which equals to a little bit under 10 journal pages being written in
total today. Man. Today was one of my more successful writing days. Not a
bad amount for one dayHmm. Id like to tell Mom or Dad about this
writing practice accomplishment right now, but I think I wont because if I
did, Im sure theyd be impressed on some level, but would still have some
kind of witty retort, which would probably go along the lines of, Thats
great! Now imagine how many drawings you could have gotten done today,
had you used just some of that time for drawing.

They might have a good point, but when Im inspired to do a specific thing,
it often seems like I have to do that thing Im inspired to do at the time.
Otherwise, the purity of the creative manifestation may become sullied or
psychologically wretched due to lack of exuberant motivation. I might sound
like a pretentious dilettante here, but I value the creative act, and am very
sensitive and attuned to its impulses, whatever their cerebral form may be.
At times, it even feelsspiritual. In a way.

Should probably stop reading pretty soon, and get to reading some of Tis
by Frank McCourt.

Surprisingly, thus far, I dont feel I need to give any kind of apology for
any of the things said earlier in all of these journal files. That is surprising,
even to me.

P a g e | 1270

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 73

P a g e | 1271

June 2002

I feel a lot better now. I posted some stuff on a bunch of message boards,
and I dont know what the hells going to happen. It was kind of weird seeing
the effect it had on the various message boards I was posting at. I dont
know. Its very weird. At one point or another, Ive posted on almost every
message board for almost any creator, series, or publisher that I like. Ive
posted on the following at one point or another: www.tavicat.com,
www.libertymeadows.com, www.jinxworld.com. I think thats about it, so
far. And Ive also occasionally posted at www.celebatheists.com on
occasion, occasionally spewing both anger and spiritual views under an alias
and without an email address listed. Just in the last couple days ago, Ive
been posting more on message boards. Ive been thinking about maybe
posting on www.darkhorse.com as well. I dont know. I sort of like places
that dont have a ton of people (like around hundreds or more) posting on
them each day, like on many official website message boards of popular
entertainment, like bands for instance. Weezer.com, last time I checked, had
received more than 9 million hits.

I think one thing I might have caused people to ask is, What the hells
wrong with being a nice person, not an asshole? I dont know.

Maybe people are getting dumber. Ive probably said that before, but I dont
know. There are a lot of insignificant questions that people ask one another.
But rarely in a normal, everyday conversation between a group of people do
you here the most important, universal questions. Such as: How did we get
here? Whats the purpose of life? Whats the point of life? Why value life?
Is there a God / gods? Where do we draw the line with censorship and the
media? What are the most valuable elements of human spiritual existence?
How will the human race survive? Why do we feel pain? Is there a soul?
Why should one not kill? How do we succeed in life? Is homosexuality
wrong? Is there really a purpose for hatred or anger?

P a g e | 1272

There are an endless number of other questions, but those are the main
universal ones I can think of.

I think there was a point when I tried to sound as elegant and tactful as Ken
Wilber, with a seemingly perennial sense of wisdom and compassion, but I
dont know, when youre trying to reach a larger audience (which does not
necessarily mean you also want a lot of money; Just wider appeal. Some
might not believe this, and maybe with good reason. But I believe it 100%),
it can be kind of tough to always use big words and tolerance without
seeming pretentious to other people in some way or another, even if that
does seem less ignorant than using curse words. However, its extremely
tough to talk so much without coming off as opinionated and subjective at
least some of the time. But pretty much everyone sounds this way at one
point or another, which is part of being human. So with this in mind, it
actually seems quite pointless to criticize others for doing the same thing.

Personally, I dont see anything wrong with being deep, poignant, and/or
literary in the same way that writers like T.S. Eliot, Hemingway, Stephen
King, Dave Eggers, Frank McCourt, George Orwell, Isaac Asimov, Ken
Kesey, Kurt Vonnegut, and John Steinbeck are, while still being able to
enjoy comic books of various sorts. This is kind of where my artistic and
writing philosophy falls. Dave Eggers (who was a Pulitzer finalist) and
Stephen King (who is regarded as the most famous contemporary novelist in
the world), who are two of my favorites, have both been known publicly to
be comic book fans and readers.

Not sure what Im going to be doing today. Probably drive this afternoon
with Mom to somewhere, then draw maybe. I really think Id love to create,
write, and draw a comic book series, or maybe just do one of the three.

I havent attended a comic book convention in a long time. The last time I
went to one was at Megacon when it was in Orlando, near the Orlando
Magic O-Rena, to get issue #1 from my Spawn collection autographed by

P a g e | 1273

the books creator, Todd McFarlane himself, along with hundreds of other
people there, who also wanted his autograph. This was when Spawn was
actually a popular comic book. Since the zenith of its popularity, its sales
each month have been dropping little by little. And I think Im partially
afraid to go to any comic book conventions recently, out of partial fear that
if I say my various poster names out loud, someone from the Internet boards,
who would also be attending the conventions might recognize me or
something. Im not sure if Id want to get recognized by people who are
familiar with my posts. I like being nothing more than letters on a screen, for
now.

I think Ill move onto happier things now, should I think of anything new to
sayI seem to be very addicted to this journal, and enjoy writing in this
thing so much. Which is why I do it way too much. It pisses my parents off,
like many things I do around the house, but hey, thats the cool way for kids
nowadays to be, right? That is sarcasm, of course.

Im dying to come up with some new ideas for characters, stories, and visual
ideas, but I think Ill keep rambling, so that maybe some sparks will get
started, and maybe I can even start a fire made out of words

Theres one thing that certainly scares me about the Internet and printed
stuff though. You never know whos reading or looking at it. Truth be
known, there are certainly some very weird people out there. I probably
wouldnt understand half of them. Some people just seem so angry.

Heres partially how I feel, with some elements that have nothing to do with
how I really feel thrown in, for good measure. Its a song, written by Rivers
Cuomo, the modern geek-power-pop-rock-icon for the new millennium:

P a g e | 1274

Leave me alone
I wont pick up the phone
and I wont listen to messages
sent by someone who calls up
and says
I dont like how
youre living my life.
get yourself a wife
Get yourself a job
Youre living a dream
Dont you be a slob
Leave me again
Dont hang out in my den
Waiting for little clues to appear
That I drank some of
Grandaddys Beer
I dont like howYoure living my life
Get yourself a wife
Get yourself a job
Youre living a dream
Dont you be
A slob, slob slob
Waiting for Little clues To appear
That I drank Some of Grandaddys Beer
I dont like how youre living My life
Get yourself a wife
Get yourself a job
Youre living a dream
Dont you be a slob, slob,
Slob
Slob
Weezer
Maladroit

P a g e | 1275

On a different note: My stereo in my bedroom has given out this weird kind
of echo lately, which is sort of creepy, because in the pitch-black room, it
sounds like Ive been trying to go to sleep in a baseball stadium, with music
playing on the speakers.
I got this weird catalogue in the mail with my Weezer tee shirts. Some indie
magazine, that seems to be just about anti everything. Anti-media, antimainstream, anti-homophobia, anti-racism, anti-sexism, anti-genocide, antipro-life, anti-government. I guess if they want to get behind causes they
believe in strongly, and try to make a difference, I suppose they can do them.
I dont support selling out in its most authentic form, homophobia, racism,
sexism, genocide, fundamentalism, and occasionally the government (when
they make policies I do not agree with), but Im not sure if I want to label
myself with something like anti-this or anti-that Theres a lot of things
in this world the majority of us dont really have any control over, so I dont
see much of a point in getting work up, unless I can make some significant
difference. When I read that catalogue for whatever the hell it was, I kind of
wondered to myself, Now what exactly does this have to do with listening to
Weezer? It didnt have anything to do with that band, really. Thats what
confused me.

Maybe Ive been being a bit self-contradictory lately. Ive been talking about
hoping to live a mysterious existence, but is that possible when I post pretty
persistently on comic book message boards around the Internet, which are
part of sites that get hundreds (or) thousands of hits or visitors a day? I
mean, even though the most of my name that Id print in a post would be the
letter J with a hyphen in front of it, which is short for Joseph. I guess Im not
really sure. Ive never posted my entire name in any of my posts. I fear what
might happen if I had an actual audience.

12:31 a.m. currently. Its getting late, but I think in the last couple of days,
the average time Ive gone to bed has been around 3 or 4 a.m. in the
morning. Ive been staying up until much later hours lately, for some reason.
Probably so I can get some extra writing done, without having Mom and
Dad know Ive been working at the word processor for so long. That
knowledge alone brings an extra sense of peace.

P a g e | 1276

Not sure if Ill ever write under a pseudonym one day. Im pretty good at
using false identities now, but Im not sure if it would work as well in print,
where it just seems to exist in the tangible realm, rather than in cyberspace.
It still might be cool to try using a fake name in print. Guess Ill just have to
see how things go...

This is very bizarre. I feel like I have the power to create an entire world, or
microcosm, of a fantasy realm, using the elements of art, images, movement,
words, stories, music, and computers (probably mixing them all up, and
trying different combinations to go with different mediums.), all on paper, a
canvas, or a computer screen. At times, I have a kind of desire to do the type
of things which people like da Vinci, van Gogh, Yoshitaka Amano, Hiroaki
Samura, and Spielberg have all done. Which is to say, create these kinds of
surrealistic fantasy worlds, that they were able to envision better than
anyone elsebecause it is their visionwhich readers are able to escape to
when they look at the worlds through the pictures. To me, thisin a way
is a kind of spiritual truth for me, and often makes my own inner personal
beauty become manifest from itself. This is what I might perhaps call the
subconscious creative-ego, which transcends the self-ego, because it delves
into the subconscious. Apparently, it sometimes seems like the subconscious
realm of the mind itself is more likely to make contact with the universal.
Maybe in a way, it does help me transcend my own self-ego, and delve more
into my spirits creative-ego, which is correlated to the subconscious. In a
way, the creative-egos manifestations are both objective and subjective
simultaneously, which seems paradoxical on its surface, but is in fact
authentic at the core of its nucleic being. Authenticity through simultaneous
objectivity and subjectivity. Its all very beautiful and downright pretty,
simply put. Its a beautiful thing for me to witness. Creativity. Its my true
love. Right behind the female anatomy, or maybe that should be vice versa?
Im listening to Tools Lateralus album as I write this, and I dont know
how I thought these seemingly-new philosophy theories up while listening to
something as heavy as Tool, but I did somehow. But then again, Alex Grey
did the anatomical drawings and illustrations for the entire Lateralus album
(as well as directed one of Tools videos) and the essays he wrote on his
website, www.alexgrey.com, were very creative and interesting. I enjoyed
reading them a lot. So perhaps Im not alone in taking inspiration from
bands like Tool, NIN, Radiohead, a bunch of other shit, and some occasional
techno-like music. Greys essays seemed kind of Ken Wilber-ish to me, in

P a g e | 1277

the fact that they were very philosophical, analytical, or whatever they may
have been. I dont consider myself to be an analytical or intellectual
guy, per say. I consider myself to be truthful and honest about expressing my
thoughts. I dont consider it brilliance. I just consider it whats going on my
mind from time to time. I think we all want to love and feel compassion for
everyone, but its not easy sometimes. Its very difficult, actually. This is
because others often dont seem to have a problem treating us like downright
shit, which is never a good thing.

In my opinion, one of the best books of all time ever written would have to
be Ernest Hemingways epic novel, For Whom The Bell Tolls. I checked that
book out from the library a while ago, and I didnt really start reading it at
the time, but skimmed various paragraphs from it. Its such an amazing
book. There were certain parts in it, whose narrative was so powerfully
written, that they brought me to tears, and I found myself nearly sobbing a
couple times. Now that is genius. Something that powerful. Hemingway was
such an unbelievably brilliant genius. He deserved the Nobel Peace Prize for
literature 100%. I truly do believe that. He was one of the most brilliant and
innovative writers on the face of this earth, from both ancient and
contemporary times. Anyone who doesnt see that just doesnt understand
what good writing really is, especially when considering Hemingways most
well received books. Id like to also read some of his lesser know works as
well though. Actually, Id like to one day read every single word hes ever
put down on paper, if I ever get the chance. I fucking idolize that mans
work. He is a God to me. I think, were he still alive, and I was within ten
feet of his presence, Id be so afraid and nervous about meeting him in
person that I might even throw up right there. His work is that important to
me. There are others I look up to, but he is one of the more memorable,
definitely.

I think Ive realized something: I can neither be intellectual

entertainment of the highest caliber, which is to say a book like Zen and
The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, or a numerous amount of Isaac
Asimovs various science fiction novels. Nor can I be ignorant entertainment
of the most phony, moronic, amoral, and obtuse nature either, like a lot of
what seems to pass for popular music of various sorts now. Maybe Ill just
have to settle for some sort of a happy medium, and hope that other people
might one day enjoy my work as much as I do from time to time, despite the

P a g e | 1278

massive amounts of bad work Ive produced over the course of my working
life thus far. Actually, I dont know where the hell my work is headed. I
think its actually already gone beyond what level I hoped it would be at,
which is good. But this also confuses me, because I thought it would take a
lot longer than arriving at the age of 18-and-a-half or so. Im not sure if I can
give a reason for writing a lot of what I write, or drawing a lot of what I
draw. Just as I dont think Im able to give an explanation as to where my
ideas come from. Id like to know, but I dont. I think thats the case for all
creative people. It just sort of comes from somewhere, maybe from a
mystical realm of the subconscious, maybe from Gods hand. Im not sure if
well ever really know what it is exactly that causes creativity. It will
perhaps always be one of those eternal mysteries of humanities collective
cognitive cosmos. Its collective consciousness, which is vast, and most
likely infinite. It is intangible, like the actual cosmos itself, in one sense.

Oh my god! I just got a letter from a really old friend of mine, Chris. Hes
been one of my best friends, which Ive known ever since I was a toddler.
Thats where I met Chris, in preschool. He said some very polite and kind
things in his letter. I was so amazed and excited when Mom showed me the
letter, because I realized that I still do have friends who have remembered
me and thought of me, even after all these years, when Ive talked to almost
none of them for so long. That was so great.

Mom, Dad, and I will be going to the Art Institute for about two or three
days, and well be getting me set up so Ill be able to take some testing. Im
not sure. I think it helps with placement. I considered it an extreme honor to
get a nice letter like that from a friend like him, whom Ive known for so
long.

Well, I caught a glimpse of the official Invader ZIM message boards on the
Nickelodeon website, www.nick.com, and it was horrible. The kids posting
there said such stupid things. I know theyre little kids and all, but I dont
think Ive ever heard such moronic posts on a message board ever before.
Maybe Im just not going to the worst message boards, but the ones Ive
been to, Ive liked quite a bit and really enjoyed posting on. This is because
the people on the message boards Ive posted on actually know how to

P a g e | 1279

express their thoughts lucidly (well, some of the time), and can have
intelligent conversations. Oh wellMoving onto other things

When I get hungry, Ill eat. I think I really have created a monster of sorts.
Now that I think about it, what does the traditional academic school system
really teach kids, anyway? I see preschool and elementary school as very
beneficial, but I question the purpose of grade levels like middle and high
school. I think I learned more from reading books at home, my job, the
library, magazines, and the Internet than I think I have over all in middle
school and high school.

In a way, I often do not take into account the possibility that my words
might affect people. And why should I? Most of the time, when Ive been
out in public, at my x-job, at school, etc., whenever I spoke to people around
me, they often wont listen or they dismiss me. My family does this too
sometimes, Im kind of weird and mystical at times, so I doubt I can blame
them. But still. I guess I dont know how much impact any of my words
might have on people who read them or hear them. I have no idea how much
influence I might have. Maybe very little. Maybe a decent amount. Im not
sure.

There seem to be a lot of underground comic book fans in Tampa, Florida. I

dont know. I see a lot of them posting on some of the boards I frequent.
And Im pretty sure there are some lurkers who go to a bunch of those very
boards, but maybe only post on one or two of them. Its all very mysterious.
I just dont get people. I know there are more than two people who read
someones post on a board, but often, people only get one or two replies, at
the most. Thats weird, because you know a lot more people are reading
them than the number of people who post. Like on one message board, I saw
someone started a thread, and got around 36 or so replies. But the amount of
views to the thread was around 1,300 readers or so. Maybe a bit higher. I
dont understand. Are people really that afraid of being humiliated publicly?
Even if no one knows who they really are. I try not to think of how many
people are actually reading what I write. I feel bad about posting on a place
like the famous Atheists site, because it seems to be mostly for atheists and
by atheists, but there arent very many other good secular message boards,

P a g e | 1280

where people have what seems like some very thoughtful discussions. Its
not about advertising belief or conviction in atheism for me, because I dont
consider myself an atheist, but I view myself as more of an agnostic,
Buddhist, Taoist, and pantheist. I think the hit counter for that site was
around the number of 500,834 hits since it began, which is actually quite
good for a site about promoting secular belief, such as atheism and
agnosticism, and writing a whole list of celebrities who are either atheist,
agnostic, or ambiguous, which is a whole category on the site. I thought it
was pretty neat that the creator of the site, Reed, lives in Boulder, Colorado,
the same place the spiritual genius Ken Wilber lives. Maybe theres
something in the water in places like Boulder, Colorado and Portland,
Oregon. I got to see those places some day.

Im not sure what else to write about, but I wish I did know, because Id
really like to right now. I dont think Ive eaten dinner yet, but I should
probably do that soon.

Therere a couple things Id like to be doing in the next week or two. They
probably include driving, getting a license, writing essays, drawing, and
reading books and comic books.

12:33 p.m. Its kind of getting late, but I think last light, I went to sleep
around, I think 4 or 5 a.m. in the morning. I seem to be being less and less
able to think about.

I feel so stupid lately. God, I wish I had something to say, but feel like Ive
absolutely nothing to say.

My situation is sad. Im starting to feel bad. Im going to college in less than

a month, but Im not worried. Its just I feel the relationship between me and
my father has been severed, and Im not sure if theres any way I can fix it. I
dont know if Ive given up or not. I dont know what to do. Im still very
happy about my life. I just feel like I dont have a very good living

P a g e | 1281

relationship with Dad as much as I may of used to. I need more compassion.
I feel like an asshole.

The world seems to change once you finish high school. Especially when
you dont have a day job. When you stay inside your house all the time, you
kind of lose track of direction. For me, everything seems to be spinning out
of control now, but I still feel pretty fine. I dont feel like I hate life. I guess I
just feellost, because Im moving out. After you finish high school, and if
youre not in college, every day starts to look and feel the same. Its getting
tough to tell the difference between weekdays and weekends. The two times
seem to kind of mesh together. It gets really sad. I need something thats
uplifting. Some sort of entertainment, TV show, book, person, comic, CD,
DVD, thing that will make me smile again. Make me laugh, love, feel
compassion, and love living life. Ive been listening to that Eminem CD a
lot. I stop a couple minutes ago, because it made me feel too sad. The
Marshall Mathers LP CD is such a depressing album at times. It made me
sad so I switched on something fast and uplifting; Andrew W.K. I dont
know why some people think hes so stupid. Im listening to track number
10, Got To Do It, and its inspiring me. Im feeling a lot happier listening
to those lyrics. That go as such: You gotta keep up. You gotta keep going. You
gotta keep up. You gotta keep going. But I love hearing every nanosecond of
when A.W.K. says that, because its speaking to me right now, more than
anything else. If I met him in person, Id tell him, God bless you, my fellow
Michiganian

I think I need to stop feeling sorry for myself though. I need to wake up and
get things at least somewhat to the way they were.

Well, I think Ill be leaving tomorrow for Fort Lauderdale at around 1 p.m.
or so. Should be interesting.

I think I still have trouble understanding the concept of celebrity. Ive had
encounters with it, which is basically just another way of saying that Ive
come somewhat close to knowing famous people, and have communicated
with them, even if theyre only local or underground celebrities. Ive sent

P a g e | 1282

fan letters to Korn and Dave Barry, and got a response form Dave Barry.
Meeting John Lasseter and Todd McFarlane would be cool as well. I post on
pretty widely visited message boards from time to time, but Im not so
egotistical that I have to brag about these various correlations to fame in my
posts, even though I realize that I probably could to that, had I the desire to. I
thought it was weird visiting the Matchbox Twenty site, and seeing people
who are writing stuff in their guestbook, hoping Rob Thomas or someone
from the band will read it, and want to collaborate with them. I seriously
doubt that would happen, and Im not trying to be a snob or anything. I
guess its just that Ive noticed something, which seems kind of disturbing
about hardcore fans of almost any creative entertainer. Usually, people who
work in the same kind of medium as their heroes that they idolize create
work that either reminiscent and/or nearly exactly like that of the people
they admire. In a way, I think I may be beginning to despise fandom, but I
can also appreciate it, because the fans are the ones who make the
entertainers successful in the first place. The support the people, and help
provide them with a living, put a little bit of extra food on their idols table,
what have you. But false idol worship seems to get a bit obsessive at certain
points.

I saw Eminem and The White Stripes perform at the 2002 MTV Movie
Awards, and they put on a very good show. The setups they performed in
seemed very elaborate, but still looked very cool. I think the sound quality of
their live performances couldve been better, but they were still a lot of fun
to watch go crazy on stage. It was neat. Also, I just noticed that Ozzy
Osbournes wife, Sharon Osbourne, who is British like Ozzy, is actually
quite attractive, for a woman whos a lot older than I am. From the times
Ive watched MTVs incredibly popular first of its kind celebrity-reality
television show, I thought, at times, Sharon looked very cute on The
Osbournes, and the occasional times Ive seen her on TV. Shes not too bad.
If she was available and not married to Ozzy, I think I might like to be alone
with her in a bedroom and, well. Yeah. Never mind. I already wrote about
sexual thoughts not too long ago. There probably wont be a reason to do
that again for a while. Even though this will make me sound like a couch
potato fanatic, Ozzys wife, Sharon, is a hell of a lot more fun to look at than
his daughter, Kelly, who is a ton more closer to my actual current age. Guess
Im just not really prone to pursue girls with a few extra lbs. on them, not
that I have any kind of aversion for overweight women. I dated one who had
a slightly heavy build in middle school. I just dont find them anywhere

P a g e | 1283

nearly as attractive as ones with a much thinner build. For me, its easier to
appreciate a woman whos various parts of her body, and elegant feminine
curves are more defined overall. As far as that aspect of my perception goes,
I dont believe Im all that different than most other guys.

I guess Ive never really thought about it much, because it doesnt concern
my life right now, and probably never will. But Im afraid of the idea of
being stalked by someone I dont know. Im afraid of being pursued by
someone else, to some extent. I liked being pursued by Liliana, but she was
by no means a stalker. She liked me, and I knew here personally, so it was
completely different, even if it never really led to anything serious. In one
sense, that whole fear my stem from the fact that I have this kind of fear of
letting a large number of people into the more personal elements of my life,
on some level. A large number, for me, would have to be around 7 people
or more. Letting other people who I dont really know that well know whats
going on in my own personal life (problems, accomplishments, conflicts,
etc.) is nowhere even near as scary as actually letting people from all over
the place watch over it like some fictitious omniscient God. I dont know. I
guess theres something that just sort of bothers me about how maybe at one
point, anyone might be able to eavesdrop over me in one way or another
even when I dont know it, and do whatever it is they will with whatever
amount of knowledge they may have on me.

Its very, very late in the evening. 2:37 in the evening, precisely. Ill most
likely be going back to bed soon.

Oh yes. Forgot to mention that I my black DJ Shadow tee shirt arrived in the
mail today, and I like it a lot.

I think I have a new catch phrase. Its: Leave me alone, you fuckers!
Maybe that can work as a double entendre. It can express my hatred towards
people who over analyze my shit, but could also express my hatred for being
confined to catchphrases as well. Or at least I hope it would do that. But now
that I think about it, someone would probably misconstrue that too, as an
angry, bitter, and pathetic send off to anyone who opposes me. I think Id be

P a g e | 1284

more than content for the general public and passersbywho I come into
contact when I go outto leave me the fuck alone. I dont think I want any
of the things that are associated with fame or rock star status, such as things
like fanmail, groupies, hate mail, scrutiny, public speaking, signings,
advertisement, getting recognized on the street, adoration, jealousy, and
promotional tours. Or any of that other shit. I know Im thinking about these
things, but when I get right down to what Im serious about, I just want to do
the work more than anything. Being a celebrity that everyone knows about is
a real hassle, from what Ive heard. Honestly, Id hate to be someone like
Rob Thomas, Stephen King, George Lucas, J.K. Rowling, Larry King, Ozzy
Osbourne, Steven Spielberg, Jack Black, John Grisham, James Cameron,
Peter Jackson, Ron Howard, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Britney Spears, Tim
Burton, Quentin Tarantino, Jonathan Davis of Korn, Carson Daly, Eminem,
Paul McCartney, Dr. Dre, P. Diddy, Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, Ben Stiller,
Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville, Andrew W.K., Rivers Cuomo, or Samuel L.
Jackson right now, among quite a few others. Id hate to be anyone whos
considered a media darling of one sort or another. None of them can even
walk around in public right now, because any of them would get mauled for
autographs and what have you, by people who are obsessed with them all.
Not sure if I like the band Primus anymore. I like their creativity, but
seriously doubt that Ill ever like them anywhere near as much as, say, a
group like Radiohead. In a way, I think Ive lost a decent amount of interest
in They Might Be Giants as well. Can still appreciate what it is they do. Its
just that the actual sounds of their music dont appeal to me as much.

Its great to be back home, but at the same time, I miss Fort Lauderdale. Ill
be moving there to live in the Art Institute living quarters or dorms in
about three or so months. I cant wait. I really love Ft. Lauderdale. My god,
Ive dont think Ive ever seen so many half or three-forth exposed womens
breasts just by traveling around in my life. Bikinis and everything. I went to
the dorm, and they have an enclosed swimming pool out front, which is
great. While we were touring the dorms again, I saw some girl who lives in
the dorm currently, walking around in this skimpy little pink two-piece
bathing suit, and an amazing half-naked figure to boot, and it looked, well,
excellent. Oh my goodness. She had the whole kitten caboodle. And Ill be
living around that! I cant wait. We were driving around the beach the first
night we were there, on the coast, and right there, on the side walk, next to
this club full of people, was a woman walking right by us, in a dark purple
bikini, with great breasts. Freaking amazing. I had blue-balls half the time I

P a g e | 1285

was there, so I kind of had to adjust the shirts I was wearing and whatnot, as
not to expose the, well. You know. Anyway. It was a great time. Should be a
lot of fun. Nearly all the anxiety I had the first time I went to Fort
Lauderdale, about living in the city, was erased upon the second visit, which
happened two, three or so days ago. Im now pretty goddam eager to go
there.

Now I have three weeks to get my whole act together, and get my ass in
gear. Got to get all my shit sorted out, sort out what work I want to keep or
take with me. Aside from that, need to work on transferring my various
journal and writing files on the computer, as well as sorting all my shit out. I
agree with my mom on what shes told me. I can still get all the stuff I was
trying to do done, so long as I work at it every day for the next three or so
weeks, which is about all I have left.

Thought Id get some writing out of the way today. Yeah. Should be very
nice.

I thought of a pseudo-freestyle emcee rhyme. It goes as follows: I do the

shit that they dont teach in school. Follow academia and you be a fuckin
fool. Word. Yeah. Not to sound like a thug, but Im feeling that. Oh god.
Im starting to sound pretty ignorant here.

Ive started trading email with a fellow regular poster on the Oni Press
website message board, which is really cool. She Canadian and calls herself
wall_flower, which is her alias. Shes very cool. Ive asked her what kind of
Oni books she likes the best, and shes written that shes prone to Chynna
Clugston-Majors Blue Monday, Andi Watsons Breakfast After Noon,
Hopeless Savages (which was written by Jen Van Meter and illustrated by
Christine Norrie) C. Scott Morses books, and Steve Rolstons Pounded. If
she keeps sending emails back to me, Ill probably ask her if shes read
many of the titles Ive heard of. Its cool exchanging emails with people you
talk to on message boards.

P a g e | 1286

The ecology, for as long as life has existed on Earth, has been an integral
part of lifes existence. Lifes not a gift, butspeaking in a humanistic
sensea privilege, which is why we need to cherish it, because without our
perceptive consciousness of existence, there is no feeling, no perception of
the world, no awareness, no nothing. There is only non-existence, which
contains no feeling. Only one big void. Nothing in existence equals getting
the privilege to be alive, especially as a human, since were capable of much
more cognitive energy than less intelligent animals, like say a dog or a
hippo. We need to respect the ecological existence of life in general and of
the environment. There needs to be an intentional effort to save the Earths
ecological purity, and many world leaders have spoken upon this very
subject. Once we run out of oxygen, and trees (which produce the chemicals
in oxygen), natural resources, and fresh water, there is no longer enough
natural resources to sustain life, which would result in the end of life on this
planet and the mass extinction of the human species, and life on this planet
in general, which is a much larger threat overall than any sort of terrorism in
any form, even though it seems to be the biggest problem at the moment.
When all life here dies, should such a thing happen, sentient activity on
Earth would end, and the earth would become transformed into just another
lifeless, unlivable planet. The people of our world need everything in their
power to keep such a thing from happening for as long as possible. This may
sound drastic, but all kinds of ecology books will tell you something very
close along those lines. I guess those are my thoughts on that.

P a g e | 1287

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 74

P a g e | 1288

June 2002

Ive been thinking of picking more comic book stuff by Mike Allred, Paul
Pope, and maybe whatever stuff by Jamie Hewlett I can find. As far as Mike
Allred goes, Im not really too big on his artwork, but after reading part of
his recent It Girl comic book that he wrote, while Chynna Clugston-Major
did illustration, I found myself really liking the way it was written. The book
was co-published by AAA Pop and Oni Press. Im not definitely considering
following Mike Allred as a writer. I could probably care less for his artwork,
but hey, not everyone can be perfect in every area. Can they?

I seem to have something that seems somewhat unusual. Thats a tenacious

effort not to compromise my intentions or convictions, even at the cost of
being called names, insulted, scrutinized, downright hated, or persecuted.
When youre trying to make room for change and/or reform, thats kind of
the chance you take. In the end, its all so very worth it though.

For the moment, this particular Michigan boy has nothing new to say, so
hell shut up for a little bit.

7:14 p.m. right now. Im getting certain feelings. Im feeling like I cant
wait to get out into the real world and make a name for myself, as well as a
kind of career Id like to have. The stuff I dreamed about doing as a kid. Its
just that things get a bit confusing. Times have changed since I was going to
middle school, dreaming of being able to be a professional artist. For
starters, the Internet happened, Columbine happened, message board posting
happened, September 11th happened, the book I did illustrations for
happened. College is about to happen. I could probably go on, but I guess I
was kind of juxtaposing the various main events. Yeah. I guess thats it.
Theres a lot more, but I was picking the main things, which came to mind.

P a g e | 1289

Its Fathers Day today, Im pretty certain.

I have this strong desirein one of the future stories Ill tellto explore
the inner and outer boundaries of consciousness. That would certainly be a
welcome relief to me. Its not like I can write about the paranormal all the
time. Only some of the time.
1) My theory that the book Writing the Natural Wayeven though its
still an enjoyable book, which Ive read, and helped me become better
at getting ideas and other things out with my writingis most likely
either an overall plagiarism, purposeful literary derivative, or copycat
book (only in the form of a writing instruction book) of the original
landmark drawing book on the right side/left side of the brain
correlation theory, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I wouldnt
be as dissatisfied with the Writing book, but I have suspicions
Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain was not credited anywhere in
the writing book, which is an illegal act, which is considered a
certifiable form of plagiarism.

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.

Bullet with Butterfly Wings
The Smashing Pumpkins
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
Yeah. Rock on, Billy Corgan. I relate to that.

Yes! It is done! That is good. Finally bought another book. Havent done
that in such a long time. I bought the book, which I knew I had to buy, when
I first saw it at Borders a day or few ago. Just bought Ken Wilbers newest
book today. His new novel: Boomeritis. Looks like a great read. It seems to
be a book much like his other philosophy books, only this time its disguised
as a novel that actually seems kind of like something written by Carl
Hiaasen. Well, the cover does anyway. Probably not the contents of the
prose. I am quite the big Wilber fan. He is considered by quite a few to be
one of the greatest, if not the greatest contemporary and philosophical
thinker alive today, aside from Robert M. Pirsig, Gao Xingjian, and Alan

P a g e | 1290

Watts of course. But this is the first new book released by him since I
learned about the existence of his literary works. So now I own a copy of the
book, which seems to have just come out very recently. Dont know if Ill
read it all the way through anytime soon, but like a lot of my other books I
have, now that I own a copy of it, I can skim the copy anytime I feel like
doing, which is great. I do that to a lot of the books I own. Also saw a lot of
great books Id like to buy at Borders, aside from Boomeritis. Classic
literature, contemporary mainstream fiction, bizarre relationship novels,
memoirs and autobiographies, philosophy, art, comic books, science,
physics, eastern religion, Judaism, history, the metaphysical. All kinds of
stuff. Weird stuff, and not so weird stuff.
I just hope the Internet privileges will be back soon, so I can check up on
the message boards, websites, emails, and whatnot.
Now have about two weeks to get all my shit done, and be ready to leave
and live on my own, from about a three hour drive away from home. Will
probably be working on my room a bit tonight, if not also drawing.
Gotta get to cleaning up my room, coz Im fucking running out of bloody
goddam time! Goddam, time goes by so fast! Well, suppose I may as well
deal with it. Thats pretty much how you win in life. You try your best to
play the hand God deals you, cause you dont really have a choice over what
your hand is, so you make the best of it. That would be the smartest thing to
do. Live with our insecurities, disabilities, handicaps, differences, or
whatever. Weve all got secrets and problems. Its just that some of us
handle our situations better and more wisely than others. Were the ones
who can teach others. We are the sacred and the blessed. So. Without further
ado. Im on my way. Time to work
Im surprised. Im such an enormously big [and] dorky Oni Press and Slave
Labor Graphics fan. I love everything about the companies: Their creators,
their stories and ideas, their writings, their attitudes, their anti-authority
mentalitieswhich really do the indie spirit of comics and entertainment (in
general) proudtheir commercial success, and their innovation. Its weird
seeing them get such recognition and exposure, and seeing their books being
read by so many people. By such a large amount of vastly different people.
In the monthly best-selling comic book magazine, Wizard, it seems to
always have a Pen Pals section, where they list the address, website URLs,
names, etc, of what seems to be the biggest of the big comic book companies
in the industry. They list all the biggest companies there. It seems kind of
bizarre, coz they list the obvious choices, and some less obvious choices, but
all the companies listed in that section probably have the most well known
reputations in the industry. The ones listed are Antarctic Press, Black Bull

P a g e | 1291

Entertainment, Chaos! Comics, Crossgen Comics, Crusade Comics, Dark

Horse Comics, DC Comics/Vertigo, Fantagraphics, Harris Comics, Image
Comics, Marvel Comics, Sirius Comics, Todd McFarlane Productions, Top
Cow Entertainment, and Wildstorm Productions. But now Wizard is
including Oni Press and Slave Labor Graphics, which I have a hunch is
something they didnt really do before. But if Wizard did, I dont think Ive
ever seen that magazine write synopses about various Oni comics ever
before lately. And Ive been subscribing to Wizard for quite a while now I
think Id notice if they had already been doing such a thing, but I dont think
they have in the past, or at least not to this extent. I find that kind of weird
and amazing, because those are considered to be independent, and mostly
black-and-white, comic book publishers, but I happen to like a lot of the
stuff those two publish quite a bit. There are certain publishers who I can
turn to, to find at least one comic book title from each of them, that I really
like. These are publishers such as Oni Press, SLG, Dark Horse, and Image.
These would certainly have to be my four favorite publishers. I like a lot of
the stuff theyve done. I can count on DCs Vertigo line to make comics Ill
really like some of the time, but, not necessarily all of it. Ive read
Transmetropolitan and Preacher, and have really found myself liking those
books at certain points. I do like the dark writing of Garth Ennis and Warren
Ellis. I can appreciate any writer who can put the word fuck or other such
words in a comic book, and make the words fit the writing well, but who still
have the balls to do it, regardless of whether Marvel says doing things like
saying the word fuck in a comic book is a no-no. Well you know what.
When it comes to innovation, for a very, very long time, Marvels never
known shit about such a topic. Contemporary comic book creators dont
have to play by Marvels rules if they dont want to, just to get their work
out there, become well known and established in the industry as a pro. In my
opinion, most of Marvels books suck anyway. I cant remember the last
time a Marvel book inspired me to create something wonderful and original
the way a Jhonen Vasquez book, Chynna Clugston-Majors Blue Monday
(The Kids Are Alright and Absolute Beginners), Andi Watsons Breakfast
After Noon, Jamie Hewletts work, Paul Popes books, Yoshitaka Amanos
artwork, or an Alan Moore book have inspired me so much. Well, actually,
Amano and Clugston-Major have worked for Marvel in the last year, and I
liked their stuff they did for that company, but other than that stuff, and
Brian Michael Bendis work on Ultimate Spider-man (which is a very great
book with a modern sense at certain points), I dont think Ive picked up a
comic from Marvel in a very long time, coz I just cant stand most of their
titles. I just hate them for the most part. More often than not, Marvel is out to

P a g e | 1292

make money, plain and simple. They know it, and it shows that thats
exactly what theyre out to do, which is a very sad thing in my eyes. You
dont necessarily have to be hell-bent on a mission to make a lot of money
just to make a lot of money from royalties off of creative work and shit. It is
possible for writers and artists to create stories and pictures they really like,
and still make a living at doing such a thing. You dont have to analyze the
market like some FBI agent just to make a career doing something creative.
Just look at Vasquez, and Gorillaz (first album sold 4 million copies
worldwide), and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I dont think
the creators of these things did what they did for the money. They obviously
wanted to create quality entertainment, and make it unusual, which is a
respectable ambition.
Now just coz I dont like the majority of what Marvel publishes nowor
has ever publisheddoes not necessarily mean I would never work for them
as an artist or writer. If I believed I had something to say, or if I was doing
indie comics work, having lots of fun working on my own stuff, it was doing
well, and an editor who I simply adore, like Joe Quesada suddenly became
aware of my work and liked it, approached me personally in one way or
another (perhaps got a hold of my email address or phone number) dropped
me a line, and said Hey, JM. Would you like to write or draw Punisher,
Ghost Rider, Fantastic Four, Thor, or Hulk? I guess its not a complete
impossibility that Id ever work on one of their properties. But I would only
do such a thing, if I felt I had something new and unconventional to convey
or say in a story, whether it was through art or through writing. Id love to
add a philosophical element or some weird art element to one of their titles.
Probably wouldnt hurt to try adding something new to their titles. Hell, I
mean one of the reasons I think Id like working on a title such as Thor
would be because Ive read a couple issues of it, and overall, the book has
just been executed so horribly. The artwork is clich and bland. The writing,
story, and dialogue are all downright bad and lame. Thor himself talks in
such a lame way. Goddamit, it pains me just to think about it. He doesnt
talk like a wise and omnipotent god of thunder with a razor sharp, deadly,
power. He talks like some cheesy-ass Hannah Barbara
Justice
Friends/Johnny Quest style of an ancient-Greek (toga wearing) Romanflavored cartoon character. Like hes right out of some cartoon version of a
Greek myth. Its like whenever I read that book, I just sort of find myself
going, Die, Thor. Please. Somebody. Kill him. Somebody please kill him.
Somebody kill Thor! Now! Obviously one of the most downright annoying
characters in the history of the Marvel Comics universe. End my dissatisfied
entertainment-hunger misery. Satiate me, goddamit! I am the audience, and I

P a g e | 1293

hate your main character. Pander to me. Im your demographic, you

dumbasses! So make him swallow a nuclear bomb whole or something, then
have it detonate when he shits it out. Anything! Just make the bastard go
away.
Thats how bad his dialogue is pretty much all the time. Thank God for
writers like Bendis, and books like Powers, which actually has good, welldone dialogue most of the time.
However, I think I only really want to work on stuff (artwork, stories, etc.)
that inspire me personally, and that I can enjoy and appreciate myself. The
last thing I want to do is make projects Hollywood style, and water
everything down. Personally, I tend to hate simplistic and watered-down
shit. I dont view it as enjoyable or as fun. At all. Simply put, the
conventional bores me to death, more often than not. Its really that simple.
Have continued sorting out my stuff today. Did that earlier in this evening.
Ive actually begun sorting the loads and loads of comic book issues into
three stacks that have post-it notes on them, and fit under three categories,
which I have labeled. They are Nos, Maybes, and Definitelys. Their
titles are probably pretty self-explanatory: They each an answer to a question
I asked myself about each comic book I looked at: Do I want to take it to
art school with me; either for reading enjoyment and/or for reference?
Hmm.
Useless fact:
Question: Which women have the largest boobies on earth?
Answer: British Women.

Yeah, I must find myself a British woman, and begin dating her as often as
possible, though I do love American women quite a bit. However, I do gotta
find me some ah them boobiesHeh heh .
Anyway, I was watching the BBC America network, and I think Im
starting to fall in love with that channel: Channel number 135 on our satellite
boxes. Yep, I think I did see some women with nice racks there, in some of
the shows and commercials. The thing is, Im so used to scouting out the
racks of American women. But Im always game for new kinds of fun. I
think Im starting to like the BBC America network, coz I like learning
about British culture. Ive even begun using the words coz, cos, and
cause instead of because, since I guess I like the way they sound and read,
and I actually view those ways of saying because as more natural than
actually writing because itself, at certain times. They just kind of have a
better flow. Im not really sure what American channel is what BBC would
be the Anglo equivalent of. Ive not been to Britain yet, so I probably would
not be a good person to ask about that.

P a g e | 1294

Ive decided I do like the authors J.D. Salinger and Nick Hornby quite a bit.
Havent read The Catcher In The Rye yet, but Im sure I will. Itll happen
when I begin whichever career I decide to pursue, if not while Im in
college. I dont know. It actually seems like quite a short book, so it doesnt
really seem like it would take all that long to read. For Whom The Bell Tolls
and The Grapes of Wrath seem like extremely good books as well.
Obviously, currently, I really love the work of Frank McCourt, Ernest
Hemingway, T.S. Eliot, Stephen King, and Ken Wilber.
So what are my current biggest influences in one way or another? Well, the
ones I can think of, whichoff the top of my headseem to be influencing
my creative work the most would probably be these:
Oni, SLG, the Celebrity Atheists website message board, Sigmund
Freud, Ken Wilber, Kubrick films, Stephen King, J.D. Salinger, Spielberg,
The Sixth Sense, compassion, Vincent van Gogh, Leonardo da Vinci,
Michelangelo, Gustav Klimt, Will Eisner, Chuck Jones, John Lasseter,
Einstein, Gandhi, Akira (the huge graphic novel and the DVD), the Ghost In
The Shell DVD, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, the Shrek
movie, the Fight Club DVD, Tenacious D, Invader ZIM, the Harry Potter
novels, meditation, comic books written by Bendis, j-pop, masturbation,
viewable acts of lesbianism (very enjoyable for me to watch), womens
underwear when they have it on (preferably the skimpy kind, in colors like
red, blue, white, green, and black), Hemingway, the poetry of T.S. Eliot,
Shakespeare, artists in general, Jean-Paul Sartre, Taoism, Buddhism,
Eminems music, JtHM, the I Feel Sick comic book miniseries, Aimee
Majors artwork on her website, Norman Rockwell, Edgar Degas, Alex
Grey, Renaissance artwork, Alan Moore, Vincent Price, Paul Popes
artwork, DJ Shadow, Tool, the Osbourne familys fashion sense, Vasquezs
and Jim Mahfoods fashion sense, the concept of celebrity and rock star,
Hiroaki Samuras Blade of the Immortal, Neon Genesis Evangelion (the
manga series, mostly), some of the writing on the Relax Your Mind
website written by Brad Hardin and hosted by Angelfire.com, Edward
Gorey, Weezer, Tim Burton, Rolling Stone magazine, Yoshitaka Amano,
Jamie Hewlett, beauty, philosophy, mysticism, life drawing, William
Strunks The Elements of Style, the Gorillaz characters (music videos,
artwork, animation, website, CD, and music), sex and women (No. Im not
alluding to anything thats correlative to these things. I just like sex and
women in general), NIN, Radiohead, word processors, HTML and designing
websites, limeys or the British (whichever you prefer to call them), and
the paranormal.

P a g e | 1295

Jesus, man. Have my tastes changed or what? I used to be so obsessed with

Saturday morning cartoons and some other things. Things have certainly
changed. Its really tough to tell where things are heading.
Ill probably be going to bed fairly soon, even though it is only 1:16 a.m. in
the morning, and Ive been up since 2 oclock in the afternoon yesterday. I
got to wake up early tomorrow, which is why Ill be going to bed earlier
than usual. That and Dads told me Im going to need to start getting on a
more normal schedule, to be more ready for college. I guess hes right
somewhat. Or at least I think he kind of is.

Man. Thats so weird! Theres such a big misconception about writers in

general. People who dont write professional, or dont know or who havent
talked to writers quite a bit (which are things Ive done at certain points),
have this enormous misconception about becoming a writer professionally.
If I had a goddam penny for every time someone I knewincluding parents,
teachers, therapists, psychologists, friends of parentsreacted to my saying
that I plan on becoming a professional writer by just doing the writing, they
all give me a funny look, and all seem to say various things. But they all
kind of amount to the same thing: Youd better seek instruction, coz youre
doing it on your own. Shouldnt you have some mentor telling you how to
write the Right Way?
Man, thats freaking ridiculous that people assume that if you want to
become a writer and make a living at it, you need someone to tell you how
to do your shit the right way. Thats just bullshit. If thats the right way to
view it, it isnt. Not according to a large majority of writers who have gotten
published multiple times, at times made millions of dollars from their
writing, won awards, gotten good literary reviews, written best-selling
novels or books, and have gotten a lot of respect. Writers such as Stephen
King, Frank McCourt (I think), Carl Hiaasen, Dave Barry, Jewel, and
Natalie Goldberg, among others Im sure.
To become a writer, you dont need professors (or teachers, or whatever),
writing seminars, instructional books, the possession of genius, or anyone to
tell you that its OK to become a writer professional. You only really need
two or a couple more things to get published and become a proficient writer
who works professionally: Talent (first and foremost), a desire and tenacity
to succeed, originality, and you also really need one of the most important
things. You need to read and write constantly. That means you need to work
your ass off getting those words onto the page. But a million words doesnt
mean shit compared to one thousand; But this is only if the thousand words

P a g e | 1296

are written more skillfully and executed better than the million. A lot of
words with very little meaning are nowhere near as important as very few
words with a lot of meaning. Or perhaps even one word with a lot of
meaning. No one can teach you how to be motivated to succeed, no matter
how much your parents or whoever tells you to focus on reality, and forget
about ten years down the road, which is what my parents always tell me.
They think any other writer can do what I do in the same way that I do it.
Well, Ive seen the writing of a decent amount of others, and I should just
say that its not very good for the most part. At least I enjoy reading and
writing my own writing. As far as reading goes, I cant say I can say the
same of those particular other writers writing. I actually often get the
impression that these wannabes are not thinking about whether their writing
would appeal to anyone else other than themselves. And my parents call me
selfish. Im trying to make my work as appealing as I can, in a somewhat
objective and universal sense.
On the subject of writing and a topic that has just arisen in my mind again,
comic books, Ive noticed something. The industry has gotten different, but I
think for the better. The reason is because whats considered normal in
comic book publishing seems to be changing, and I for one am happy to see
these changes. I have this old book that was published in 1998, titled The
Writers Guide To The Business Of Comics, written by Lurene Hanes.
Supposedly, its supposed to give advice to aspiring comic book writers. It
has quotes and advice from creators who Ive never heard of. I assume they
were popular at some point. The thing is, that bookjust like Drawing The
Marvel Wayhas become old and dated, and is not up with the objective
comic book business times completely. It gave some very good advice (such
as look outside comics for influences if you want to be a comic book writer,
which is what gives your work originality), but the book covered mostly the
very mainstream-related stuff. Oni Press was never listed anywhere in that
book at the time, though Im pretty certain their company had existed at the
time. And now Oni at certain points has become one of the biggest indie
publishers (and publishers in general) in the comic book industry. And the
artwork and writing in pretty much all of their books goes completely
against industry convention. Wizard covered a lot of upcoming Oni books in
the their recent issue, but they seem to only give attention to companies that
have mega sales. So Im pretty sure many of their creators are making a
living, if not all of them. And Oni has also had many of who are now the
biggest names in the entire comic book industry do work for them at one
point or another, such as Frank Cho, Paul Dini, Kevin Smith, Alex Ross,
Greg Rucka, and Brian Michael Bendis. Its kind of like Things have

P a g e | 1297

changed, obviously. There was, of course, the whole manga explosion and
influence on American comic books in general, which has only happened in
the last three or so years, I think. The thing that I really dont like about
conventional, so-called mainstream comic books, is that if you look
through enough of that irritating superhero shit, which pollute the market
mercilesslycoz it sells! youll noticed that if you get right down to the
composition and technique of that kind of artwork, it all tends to look the
same, and its tough to tell any of it apart, or who the hell is drawing each
issue. I mean that if you look through a lot of issues of Spawn and anything
else from Todd McFarlane Productions, the new version of Ghost Rider,
Fantastic Four, a lot of Spider-Man, Superman, Batman, etc., it all kind of
seems to mesh together. They all now seem to have that kind of overactive
composition, thats filled with messy but aggressive line work (which is all
kind of influenced by the impact of artists like Todd McFarlane, Jim Lee,
Greg Capullo, Joe Madureira, J. Scott Campbell, and Rob Leifield, and
others like them) streak lines, well drawn and elaborate curves, and different
kinds of hatching, where everything just kind of meshes together, and the
artists obviously have artistic skill and put some serious labor into their
work, but its really missing that spark of inspiration, and just because an
artist spends a lot of time putting a lot of line work into his or her artwork
doesnt guarantee it will have more appeal than a much more simple
drawing. Its like when you look at it seriously theres really very little one
can do to tell the styles of each artist who draws like that apart from the next
one. Thats kind of why I dont think I want to draw like that. If I did draw
detailed realistic stuff, it would be more influenced by the likes of
Renaissance artists, the Akira graphic novel, Frank Chos more elaborate
illustrations, and Paul Pope.

This is good. Worked on my room some more. And I think I now know
which comic books Id like to take with me the most. My Definitelys pile
is filled up, and fit into one of the boxes I have. So Im off to a good start. I
think Ill either work on my notes and writing papers or my books. Not sure
which one Ill tackle firstAlso, Jesus, man. I looked through what must
have been at least 300 or 400 comic book issues of various titles, and from
looking at all the mainstream comics I own by various major companies
really makes me appreciated the bizarre, lesser known comic books, and the
manga I really love, like Oh My Goddess! and Blade Of The Immortal. I love
the draftsmanship (and storytelling at times) so much! The composition and
linework of a book like Goddess! is just so much more pretty and pleasing to

P a g e | 1298

look at (to me) than anything Marvels done, except maybe the
Wolverine/Elektra crossover by Greg Rucka and Yoshitaka Amano, which
came pretty close in artistic elegance.
Jeez, its tough to have a completely nice conversation with my family.
Especially recently. Thank God for this laptop, word processor, and journal,
where I can get my thoughts down without the worry of annoying and boring
my family with these various thoughts, comments, and theories. If I talk too
much about the things that interest me, theyll usually get angry and tell me
Im going on and on about the same thing too much.

Heh. I just called a local radio talk shows screener up during their break,
to ask about their syndication, coz I heard they got syndicated nationwide
finally. So I called up and the screen asked what my name was, but told her I
wasnt calling to get on the air. I wanted to know what states they were
syndicated in. The screener told me, Statewide in Florida, and in Georgia,
home of Atlanta, spawning ground of such people as Ludacris, The
Millionaire Mind author Thomas J. Stanley, and the now-deceased Lisa
Left Eye Lopes, from TLC, among others. Oh, cool. I said. What
station is it on over there? I asked that one, cause Ive never been to
Georgia, so I dont know if his show would be on the same kind of station
there. I think thats really cool. I remember hearing his show way back when
it was on the overnights in, I think, Orlando only. But for asking what the
host saw as a stupid question at the end [the one about what station theyre
one], my question got mocked on the air by the host. At first I thought Hey!
Whatd I do to deserve that? But then I thought, Wait a minute. Thats
cool! My call got dissed on the air by the host of a 100,000 watt FM talk
radio show, and even though no one listening knew he was referring to my
call, I did, and thought that was so cool getting dissed on a widely-heard talk
show, which Im pretty sure was heard by more than 400,000 people. Im
not upset. Thats extra attention that I didnt even have to try for, even if it
made my question sound like it was asked by the idiot I am. The way I see
it; any anonymous media attention is better than not even being correlated to
an entertainment show. I dont know. Guess I just thought the concept was
cool. In this view, getting dissed in the media is better than not being
included in the media at all. The reason the public diss actually made me
happy rather than pissed me off was not because something like that would
make anyone famous or known, coz it obviously would not, but because it
reminded me of old times, when I used to call that station and get on the air
as a caller. That was certainly a lot of fun, so that brought back old

P a g e | 1299

memories. Great memories! Plus, his mock of my call did make me laugh,
so it entertained me as well.
Fuck yes. This is fucking great. Some shitty stuff happened today, but some
jewels of moments also happened, and I remember those the most. Lots of
stuff happened today overall. I think Ill begin writing about it.

Other than the whole Internet thing, something spectacular happened this
afternoon. I went to that wretched place called The DMV, and waited in line,
as well as sat in chairs with my mother, then went into Mom and Dads
Saturn with my driving tester, and got tested so that Id be able to get my
license. She was a heavyset, African-American woman with a stern but nonaggressive face, some warts on her cheek.
So. I did all right? I meanDid I do OK? I asked stepping out of the car,
feeling anxious, wondering if Id passed. I asked that question once Id
parked, and wed both been on our way out of the car seats.
You passed, she said matter-of-factly, letting off a slight chuckle.
All right! I said.
So then, Mom and I walked around the main area of the DMV, and got to a
short line full of people. It took a while to wait in such a short line, and we
heard a couple arguments between the lady who worked there and people
who tried to convince them they had to get an appointment, right there, right
then. Such dumbasses and pricks youll find at the DMV. It was so goddam
sad. Even I know you have to make an appointment at the DMV before you
get there. You cant just cut in front of the long-ass DMV line, and say, I
(or my child) has to get their license now!
Its no wonder those people got yelled at.
So after we handed in the papers the lady who tested me handed me. I think
when I was standing there showing the lady my paper the lady gave me, with
Mom standing beside me, I heard some Mexican dudes (I think. They kind
of had accents which had that Hispanic ring to them) uttered somethings.
About myself and Mom.
Hey, man, he muttered quietly to what I assumed was his little buddybuddy or friend. Lookit that faggot up there with his mom, getting his
license, he hissed.
Man! Whatever, dude. Fuck you. Bite me. Kiss my fucking ass, you fuckin
homophobe douche. Bag. I dont care if Im seen out in public with my own
goddam mother. I love my parents, unlike you. I dont give a fuck what some
poser, such as yourself, thinks of someone like me. Not sure if I ever have. I

P a g e | 1300

ought to run your ignorant ass over if I see you again, with my Moms
fucking Saturn in the parking lot, when shes sitting in the Saturn with me.
Ha ha! (Imaginary thoughts arent as fun unless they include some senseless
violence thats only in ones imagination.) Obviously you dont have a good
relationship with your own parents. But I do, so fuck off, asshole.
Thats pretty much what I thought about him, though Im kind of
embellishing on my original reaction, which was not really angry. It was
really just myself thinking, Yeah, whatever, man. And Im the one who
almost went to jail for putting hateful words like faggot in a letter when I
didnt even mean them. Its people like him who my letters voice was
trying to parody. The ignorant and truly malicious. That dude really sounded
like he put effort into what seemed like his malice, that I did nothing to
provoke. Im not sure if I hate people like that, but it certainly doesnt make
me happy to be around them. Fuck them, the fuckers.
I went up to this non-crowded area, wrote my signature on a cyber pad (like
when you sign for using your credit card), and got my photograph taken. My
pictured didnt turn out as good as it could have, but I got my license
though! Made me happy, and still is making me happy.
So I drove Mom and I home from the DMV, and did a pretty good job
driving too, where I proceed to use the Internet, as I wrote.
And about forty or so minutes ago, I asked Mom and Dad, Can I drive
around the neighborhood for myself for the first time?
They told me, Okay.
So I drove around the neighborhoodadjusted the mirrors, put my seatbelt
on, adjusted my seatand didnt drive all that far. It felt really good. Once I
got back into the.
So I now have my license, and can probably drive to various places at my
leisure now, should I feel inclined to do so.
Now, it seems like things are really getting back on track, I think Im really
starting to regain my sanity.
Im feeling so much better overall. Now Im considering looking through
the notepapers in my room.
I think I should perhaps put the new current situation in an Eminem-like
manner.

We also celebrated Dads birthday today, which seems to be going nice

thus far.
I sometimes kind of wonder what exactly would be the mainstream. Are
mainstream literary works in the mainstream? Or are they only things in

P a g e | 1301

music, TV, radio, and movies? Is the Internet mainstream? Im not sure
exactly.
So what is in the mainstream right now, or what seems to be such? As far
as things that it seems almost everyone knows about, Id assume it would
include such things as the following:
Hip-hop music, alternative rock (the arena rock kind), new-metal and rapmetal; movies made by studios like Disney, Dreamworks SKG, Universal
Studios, Twentieth Century Fox, and others; MTV/MTV2/VH1,
Nickelodeon, HBO, A&E, The Discovery Channel, the Fox Network, the E!
Entertainment Network, The WB!, CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, and a lot of
other TV channels, The Osbournes, The Simpsons, Eminem, John Grisham
and Stephen King, JK Rowling and Harry Potter, Elton John, Paul
McCartney, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson, Aerosmith, VH1 Behind The
Music, Walt Disneys company, Broadway, Rosie ODonnell, E! News Live,
The Today Show, Good Morning America, George Lucas and Star Wars,
Howard Stern and The Howard Stern Show, September 11th, E.R., Friends,
Smallville, Felicity, Rolling Stone magazine, Linkin Park, Korn, Limp
Bizkit, P. Diddy, the White Stripes, Andrew W.K., NSync, The Backstreet
Boys, O-Town, Michelle Branch, Vanessa Carlton, Alanis Morissette, Matt
Damon, Ben Affleck, Shakira, Sheryl Crowe, Total Request Live (TRL),
Carson Daly, the now-defunct Napster, ebay.com, Amazon.com, The New
York Times and its bestseller list, Dawsons Creek, Malcolm In The Middle,
The Grammy Awards, The MTV Video Music Awards, The MTV Movie
Awards, The Academy Awards, The Emmy Awards, The Olympics (both
the Summer and Winter ones), The Peoples Choice Awards, Larry Kind
Live, Rosie ODonnell, Steven Spielberg and his films, Britney Spears,
Madonna, U2, and Oprah Winfrey.
But Id say these are only for parts of the years 2001 and/or 2002. Right at
or around these two years. I wouldnt go much farther than that; coz the
general publics taste for the mainstream is constantly changing.
Hmm. Maybe I should think of a personal quote I can use whenever
someone pisses me off. Heres one!
Dont fuck with me, bitch. I have a bigger vocabulary than you.
Yeah. Take that, naysayers. Eat that.
Anyway, I think I should probably try to brainstorm, and perhaps come up
with some new story ideas for novels, comic books stories and scripts, TV
show scripts, and screenplays. That might be kind of fun to do. Im
considering this, even though Im pretty sure I already have a case filled
with a whole boatload of story ideas that Ive already thought up. I dont
know. I guess I just sometimes want to think up new ideas for stories,

P a g e | 1302

morals, questions, theories, characters, and the like, even if Ive already
thought up a ton. Im not sure if Id ever really be so bold as to call my
entertainment and storytelling Post-Modern Entertainment or Post-Modern
Storytelling, which I guess is another way to describe something with a
contemporary philosophical sense. The critics and interviewers seem to use
this for such authors as Ken Wilber and Dave Eggers with their books
Boomeritis and A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius. This is
probably mostly due to the fact that both books, on one level or more, have
some very concrete philosophical reasoning at certain points, if not all
throughout the books. Im not sure if Id even want to call the types of
stories Id tell Ontological Entertainment, Existentialistic Entertainment or
Phenomenological Entertainment (and/or) Storytelling. I dont even know if
it fits into one kind of philosophy branch, coz I am pretty sure I can sort of
tell one branch from the other, for the most part, so I guess Im kinda getting
better at that whole shebang. As for how I personally think I measure up to
other authors. As for some modern philosophers, No I dont think of myself
to be anywhere as smart as Robert M. Pirsig, but I think my writing for the
most part seems a bit more entertaining and slang-influenced than his would
ever have been. I realize I have a sense of humor, but do not know how I got
one. In school (Im thinking Elementary or Middle), I had a strong sense of
what I thought was funny. Saturday morning cartoons were often funny, my
stupid gifted classmate friends jokes were funny, weird ideas were funny.
Sometimes. All kinds of stuff. I wasnt always good at making a lot of my
friends laugh, but I knew what made me laugh. Ive always valued a person
with a well-developed or well-crafted sense of creativity and humor, not that
I dont value other people too.

Ive just thought of something I think would be really cool to see, which Id
like to see Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett attempt to do. With the
Gorillaz characters Ive seen, with the CDs, music, and music videos theyve
done, Id really love to see what could only be called Gorillaz: The
Animated Series. Man, Id like to see those characters get their own
animated television show. That would be so fucking cool. Maybe it could
sort of be something like those Hannah Barbara cartoons, Josie And The
Pussycats or Jabberjaw, only on acid or crack, with some hallucinogenic
motions and compositions thrown in. Id watch some shit like that. Thats
the fuckin good shit. It should probably have the same animation style
theyve done in the Gorillaz music videos. That would be quite phat, which

P a g e | 1303

is to say cool, which is to say neat, which is to say nifty, which is to sayin
the most traditional fashioninteresting.
Ive an idea. Ill try to think of as many successful comic book
creator/writer/artists as I can. So lets see: Theres Jeff Smith (Bone), Dave
Sim (Cerebus), Paul Pope (Heavy Liquid, 100%), Frank Miller (Sin City),
Paul Chadwick (Concrete), Todd McFarlane (Spawn, back when it was
actually a good comic book), Jhonen Vasquez (JtHM, SQUEE!, I Feel Sick),
Frank Cho (Liberty Meadows), Terry Moore (Strangers in Paradise), Andi
Watson (Geisha, Skeleton Key, Breakfast After Noon, Slow News Day),
Daniel Clowes (Eightball), Hiroaki Samura (Blade of the Immortal),
Katsuhiro Ottomo (Akira), Kosuke Fujishima (Oh [or] Ah My Goddess!),
Evan Dorkin (Milk & Cheese, Eltingville, The Murder Family, Hectic
Planet, Dork!), Marc Hempel (Tug & Buster, Gregory), Stan Sakai (Usagi
Yojimbo), Mike Mignola (Hellboy), Jim Mahfood (Zombie Kid), Chynna
Clugston-Major (Blue Monday), Rob Schrab (Scud: The Disposable
Assassin), Robert Crumb (most famous for Fritz The Cat), Scott McCloud
(Understanding Comics, Zot!), Will Eisner (The Spirit, and tons of golden
age graphic novels), Ted Naifeh (Courtney Crumrin & the Night Things), C.
Scott Morse (Soulwind), Judd Winick (Barry Ween: Boy Genius and Pedro
& Me), and Arthur Dela Cruz (Kissing Chaos). Well, thesein my
opinionare the creator/writer/artists in the industry, whose work Ive
gotten to read, and know are worth mentioning, or perhaps even
recommending. Ive read at least some work from each of them at one point
or another, and can safely say that for the most part, its quality stuff.
Theyre the ones Ive noticed, who have proven they can do it all; Create
ideas, write them, and draw them as well. I have aspirations to be a
creator/writer/artist one day, or perhaps do each of the three chores
separately at various points down the road.
A phrase just came to me, went through my mind, and it sounded like it
came from the voice of a British man, and I imagine if it were said in real
life, the voice would be projected with a deep, spooky, and echoing sound.
Im not hallucinating. I was trying to think of the most bizarre line of
dialogue I could, and the statement I just thought up must have come from
somewhere deep within my cerebral creativity. It goes as such:

Assimilating into the realm of consciousness, within the various minds of

eccentric and quadriplegic human beings.

P a g e | 1304

But that doesnt mean I dont also like that one quote on the DJ Shadow
masterminded U.N.K.L.E. project, that says the words:

A ticket to nothingness [weird techno-esque music plays]UNKLE!

I dont know. Those sound very bizarre, but for some reasonperhaps for
nothing more than the fact that Im a weird fucking weirdoI like those
sayings quite a bit. Yeah, TV sucks. Youd probably never hear something
like that on TV, coz they want to play it safe and stick to character driven
dialogue, even if the characters suck. Its hard enough to hear quotes like
that on a CD, and only the second one so far. I heard the second quote on my
U.N.K.L.E. Psyence Fiction CD. I made the first onwhich I wrote down
on this pageup. Dont know where the hell it came from. I never know
that about half the ideas I get.

I think Ill end this entry on a music-related note. In my view, one of the
greatest modern musical rock star geniuses of all time, who wrote some of
the most magnificent, poignant, dramatic, elaborate, and downright beautiful
rock song/ballads of all timewhich still move me every time I hear the
ones I like the best, such as three of my personal favorite greatest hits of
theirs, Bohemian Rhapsody, Save Me, and Play The Game. Not that
those were by any means their only very good songswould have to be
Freddie Mercury of Queen, whos life, quite sadly, was cut short by the
AIDS epidemic in the 1980s. From a Catholic perspectiveif God exists
(though I have doubts) not that Im a Catholic why would God take such a
brilliant mans life so quickly? Ive never really been able to figure that one
outWait a minute. You know, that gives me an idea for a song, which Id
title Why, God? Why? Im thinking its lyrics could portray the question of
a religious man, who wanted to know why God ended the lives of all the
great contemporary musical geniuses, or just icons so soon. Names that
come to mind would be Freddie Mercury, Elvis Presley, Buddy Holly,
Jimmy Hendrix, Bob Marley, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Peter
Tchaikovsky, Frederic Chopin, Tupac, Notorious B.I.G., Janis Joplin, Salina,
Lisa Left-Eye Lopes, Aaliyah, Layne Staley, George Harrison, Joey
Ramone. The list just seems to go on. Rock Gods taken from us just a bit too

P a g e | 1305

soon. Its a sad concept, but just seems quite beautiful to me, for some
reason.

MANIFESTO
CHAPTER 75

P a g e | 1306

June 2002

Im feeling so very fine currently. Im getting caught back up on all my

things. Got a bit more caught back up on the whole online message board
thing. Checking up on all the messages and whatnot. Will more than likely
be sorting out my papers in this room, and probably the books as well.

I actually started reading a comic book trade paperback. My first actual

unread TP which Ive read in a long time. Oni Presss Whiteout: Melt, by
Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber. Its actually pretty good. Not bad at all. The
writing is excellent, but the artwork left a little bit to be desired in certain
panels. Ill be reading more of it tonight, if not finishing the whole thing. Its
pretty short, so Im imagining it to be a pretty quick read overall. I liked the
Introduction [written] by Brian Michael Bendis quite a bit. So yeah, I guess
my three favorite sites to visit on the net, where I frequent and participate in
the message board quite a bitwhenever I have the extra timeare
currently www.onipress.com, and the site Reed (the Editor) created, which
is www.celebatheists.com. There are a lot of sites I go to, but those three are
my favorite ones to go to, to interact with other visitors to the sites. All
three, even after Ive now become a regular on each of their message boards,
seem to have a pretty heavy amount of traffic to them. I dont know. I think
its kind of neat. In a way, a lot of my posts are so long in some forums coz I
like the idea of getting my writing voice, thoughts, spontaneous comments,
opinions, rants, etc. out there, mostly for entertainment value. Since my goal
right now is not really to get published and get any sort of a real following,
Im doing what I see as the next best thing. Putting my personal writing in
forums. And some seem to enjoy it, while others dont. Its cool either way
though. At least my spontaneous spur-of-the-moment writing is getting out
there to people. Its a form of communication, which is something Ive
found myself to love very much.

Well, just got done reading the rest of the Whiteout: Melt trade paperback,
and it wasnt too bad, but Ive read stuff I liked better from Oni before. I

P a g e | 1307

dont think I ever have too much a protest over what Onis doing, cozeven
though I still liked the Whiteout trade paperback I just read a decent bitno
matter what kind of books they publish, I will continue to read them, and can
always appreciate and respect the fact that those kind of indie companies are
trying to do something different. I may never fully go back to Marvel, DC,
or perhaps even Image Comics ever again, unless its to read something like
Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Avon Oemings Powers, which is kind
of like NYPD Blue or Law & Order meets the backstories to Superman,
Batman or something like that.

Im pretty sure Im still quite a big fan of authors Ive liked for a while
now, who include Stephen King, Neil Gaiman, Dave Barry, Mitch Albom,
Dave Eggers, Nick Hornby, Michael Chrichton, Ken Wilber, JK Rowling,
and Frank McCourt. But these are the only ones Ive gotten a decent chance
to read and see if I really like their work. Theres plenty others whose work
Im somewhat familiar with, but definitely want to read their writing
regardless. These include ones like Chuck Palahniuk, Helen Fielding, Zadie
Smith, Marla Goldberg, Gao Xingjian, Robert M. Pirsig, J.D. Salinger,
George Orwell, Kurt Vonnegut, Joyce Carol Oates, Ernest Hemingway, John
Steinbeck, Ken Kesey, Dean Koontz, Thomas Harris, Isaac Asimov, Ray
Bradbury, and Harper Lee.
Yep. Those are some of the more popular ones, I suppose. Im not counting
the spiritual leaders, artists, philosophers, and physicists. I guess I was
focusing more on the novelists and such.
I really do post on message boards way too much. I probably really should
listen to Mom and Dad, and cut down on the amount of time I spend on the
Internet.

Oh fuck. Its getting late, and I was staying up far too late, reading one of
the journal files I wrote a while ago, dating back to around October of 2001.
I still gotta do a freaking page count of all these journal files all put together.
I really got to get some sleep. I guess when I think about it, I cant really tell
whom I might grow up to be the next whoever [insert celebrity name here] it
might be. Some names that come to mind, which I used to want to be when I
was a working professional (at one point or another) have included Jhonen
Vasquez, Jamie Hewlett, Ken Wilber, Tim Burton, Moby, Lama Surya Das,
Edward Gorey, Todd McFarlane, Steven Spielberg, Howard Stern, Kevin
Smith, M. Night Shyamalan, Thom Yorke, Trent Reznor, Leonardo da

P a g e | 1308

Vinci, Norman Rockwell, Less Claypool, Chuck Jones, Jerry Seinfeld, Andi
Watson, Chynna Clugston-Major, Paul McCartney, Matt Groening, Chris
Carter, Dennis Miller, Jim Mahfood, the Dalai Lama, Gandhi, Hiroaki
Samura, Stephen King, Jeff Smith, and Dave Eggers. Now, I think since my
work has gone through such drastic change, things have changed (times,
people, thought, society, etc.) in general, Im not sure if I really want to be
any of those people. This is basically coz Im not sure if I ever could be an
exact replication of any of these people. I dont know if I want to be a
multimillionaire or world famous celebrity. Im not really interested in all
the glamour of being a star or rock star of sorts.

Working on my room a decent amount today. Ive actually been doing

pretty well. Have gone through a whole shitload of papers. I guess Im sort
of taking a short break.
Before I go back to work, I think I should list as many extremely creative
entertainers as I can. Ones who have thought up very creative and weird
entertainment concepts: Theres Terry Gilliam and John Cleese (Monty
Python head creators and writers), David Lynch, Quentin Tarantino, Jhonen
Vasquez, Tim Burton, Alfred Hitchcock, M. Night Shyamalan, Steven
Spielberg, Stephen King, George Lucas, Dave Eggers, David Fincher, Dean
Koontz, Ray Bradbury, Poe, Matt Groening, Chris Carter, Alan Moore, Neil
Gaiman, Dave Barry, Garth Ennis, Eminem, Kevin Smith, Edward Gorey,
The Beatles, Salvador Dali, Hunter S. Thompson, Isaac Asimov, Carl Sagan,
Kurt Vonnegut, Dr. Demento, H.P. Lovecraft, JK Rowling, Chuck
Palahniuk, C.S. Lewis, William Kentridge, DJ Shadow, Less Claypool,
Trent Reznor, and Thom Yorke. So this spans pretty much every genre:
Film, television, animation, comic books, literature, art and illustration,
science related things, art, radio, and music.

Thats about all I can think of. I d assume that would be pretty much all of
them. I should probably also say that Vincent Price is one of my favorite
actors. Him, as well as the likes of Tom Hanks, Samuel L. Jackson, Uma
Thurman, John Travolta, Jim Carey (coz hes always able to make me laugh,
not coz Id consider him to be a well-versed serious actor), Mel Gibson,
Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise, Eddie Murphy (sometimes), Michael Clark
Duncan, Morgan Freeman, Cameron Diaz, Michael Myers, Robin Williams,
Joey Lawryn Adams, Tommy Lee Jones, Matt Damon, Tim Allen, Cuba

P a g e | 1309

Gooding Jr., Jerry Seinfeld, Whoopie Goldberg, Jodie Foster, Kelsey

Gramar, Harvey Keitel, and Bruce Willis.

Probably finally going to read some more out of Frank McCourts sequel to
Angelas Ashes, Tis, tonight. I cant wait. Tis is one of the best books Ive
read in quite some time. It has a lot of substance, which makes it a very
enjoyable read. Its really great, and the originality of McCourts voice is
quite solid. The words in his second memoir, Tis, kind of dance around the
page with quite the rhythmas one of the critics who reviewed it pointed
outwhich is reminiscent of T.S. Eliot. He and Dave Eggers have written
books which have some of the most vigorous storytelling Ive ever read in
my life, despite the fact that most of their published work has been in the
form of personal memoirs. Regardless, that doesnt make the books worth
anything less than if they were works of fiction.

Now on the topic of my main integral literary influences. A list of specific

authors:
T.S. Eliot is also one of my personal literary influences.
I have kind of been experimenting with my writing style though. I like to
fool around with hyphens, commas, and periods, and the like; in an overall
attempt to create sentences and phrases I havent heard a lot before, if at all.
As Ive heard Dave Barry writer, a single wordjust one! in place of a
different word can, at certain times, actually have a better effect than the
other word would have. I think, over time, Ive gotten the constant use of
active voice and punctuation aspects (of writing) down quite a bit over the
years.
So heres a transient rundown of a lot my personal favorite notable literary
influentials:
I like Ken Wilbers use of complex theories, philosophy, spiritual depth,
and nifty complex and/or esoteric words and terms. His writing has this
certain transpersonal and transcendental Buddhistic eloquence to it.
Stephen King has a Hemingway- and Ray Bradbury-influenced maleoriented, contemporary, and down to earth voice, with some supernatural [or
paranormal, or preternatural] elements thrown in for good measure

P a g e | 1310

Ernest Hemingways use of short, direct, and lucid prose has definitely
inspired me. He was the master of telling a story very effectively, and his
dialogue was very realistic most of the time. He had amazing dialogue
Without a doubt one of the most influential contemporary American writers
(or writers in general) who ever lived and existed.
I like Dave Barrys use of creative irony and extremely wacky sarcasm,
which I think is part of what makes his writing so goddamn funny.
William Strunk and E.B. White, for the obvious reason. Writing The
Elements Of Style, which I study and nearly worship. Much like a Catholic
or Presbyterian would study and worship The New Testament.
Robert M. Pirsig, for inspiring me to realize that its worth attempting to
mix philosophyalluding to such philosophers and thinkers as Jean-Paul
Sartre, Friedrich Nietzsche, Albert Einstein, Plato, Immanuel Kant. Im not
sure if one would include Ludwig Wittgenstein on such a list. Id have to
read his book completely to know for sureand big thinking with
storytelling. He seems to have been the one who convinced people its okay
to entertain people, draw them in, and make them think, all at the same time.
Its not a crime! Ive certainly realized that.
John Steinbeck, for being one of the extreme masters of literary
description and inventive metaphors. He was a genius of transcribing images
he saw within his imagination into coherent words, which painted such a
lovely, engaging, and beautiful picture for the casual reader. He was so
brilliant.

There are plenty of others whove influenced me, in one way or another.
But the above-mentioned writers are the main ones that come to mind first
and foremost. I view these as the most overall inventive, innovative, and
influential on many writers and whatnot.

Im a Michigan boy. Im not a Detroit native at all yet. Not even by blood.
Mom and Dad lived in and went to college in Detroit for a certain amount of
time before they adopted Andrew and I, but I was actually born in what a
fair amount believe to be one of the nicest, classiest, and most educated
places in Michigan. Ann Arbor, at the University of Michigan hospital, in
the year 1983, a bit less than a year after my brother was born. But
somehow, during the course of my youth growing up, over time Ive sort of
eased into this kind of artists/philosopher/writer/partial Europe- or
Anglophile, from reading too many Oni Press comic books, and being too

P a g e | 1311

big of a fan of stuff like Monty Python, Nick Hornby books, The Beatles,
Jamie Hewlett, the band Blur, Alan Moore comics, Neil Gaimans writing,
and Harry Potter. Maybe its from watching the BBC America network a bit
too much as well.
Honestly, Im somewhat intimidated by the idea of being stereotyped or
pigeonholed, just by the way I look. Stuff like that makes me want to
scream. I fucking hate one-dimensional presumptuous shit like that. I want
what (the things I create) I do to be about the words, the theories, the
characters, the stories, and the ideas. Not about the creator/writer/artists
nationality, or any other superficial things like that. Why the fuck should any
such thing even matter? I dont think it should. Besides, I dont really even
know how to speak fluent Spanish. I only know a few, basic short words and
phrases here or there, which lots of people learned by the time they were in
middle school.

Read some more of Tis, and it was a great book, like usual. Just sort of
wish I could have gotten more stuff in my room picked up.

Currently, its 1:27 p.m., and Im feeling very fine, as it usually is. Quite
happy Im feeling as of now.

I dont know why it is, but my right legor perhaps just my foothas
been feeling cold lately, even buried under these covers on my bed. Its so
bizarre. Even though Im pretty sure both my legs are snug and covered up,
it still feels like theres been a draft Im still able to feel with my foot. That
foot of mine has been feeling like that whenever I type at this laptop for
what seems like the last three or so nights. The cold is still there, no matter
how much I try to stop it. Im not sure what that means, but it sounds sort of
interesting. Creepy in a way, it seems to me. Hard to explain why, but those
words [The cold is still there. No matter how much I try to stop it.] seem
that way.

That takes me back to when I was either in elementary or middle school.

A kid. Mom used to make Andrew and I go to Sunday school, or Church
Class, which was right around the area one of our local churches was in. The

P a g e | 1312

building they taught the classes in was at the same parking lot, actually.
Anyway, I eventually refused to go, coz I didnt believe in the things the
teachers were telling us. I was not convinced about these theories around a
dead man, and did not find much comfort in it.
I remember during one of the classes we had to fill out worksheets, and the
teacher asked the whole class, What do you think death is? We could say
whatever it was we wanted to. At first, I thought about saying some typical
answer, like scary or when we get into heaven which even at the time,
was an answer I thought in my mind they probably wanted to hear. But I put
my real interpretation on the concept of death, when I was so very young. I
wrote down the words Death is cold. Cause to me, such a concept and
state of being did seem cold to me. The teacher in my class told me my
answer was a very good answer, and it made me very happy, knowing that
despite my differing beliefs from the clergy, even at such a young age, when
I was still learning about everything, that teachers satisfactionin what I
saw as my weird personal answerstill made me happy, coz I realized that
even a then-atheist had come to an agreement with at the time what seemed
like authorities on traditional religion. Its sort of tough to explain, now that
I think back on it.

Thats probably why I decided to become a Buddhist, or at least try to be

one. I learned that Buddhism emphasized things such asceticism, selfrestraint, compassion, Cosmic Awareness, transpersonal consciousness,
Radical Emptiness, universal love, wisdom, mindfulness, and a clear
consciousness, which helps contribute to good karma, which in turn
contributes to how fast one is to attain enlightenment over the course of
various lifetimes. This is part of what Buddhists believe. It seemed to be
more about how you treated people, your mindset, your actions, and spiritual
purity and other such things. I liked what the Buddha Dharma seemed to
emphasize, and what the Buddha himself stood for, many centuries ago.
Egolessness. His message was so powerful. The power of seeking wisdom
and transcendence from inward, and not looking to anyone or anything
elseincluding a Father God, Allah, Hare Krishna, Lord Jesus Christ of
Nazareth, the Gaia earth spirit, Confucius, Lao-Tzu, or Wicca spirits, or
even some silly concept like Satanto give that to you. That philosophy
meant more to me than some ritualistic dogma, that seemed to say, Youre
one of The Lords children, so you do this and this and that, and youre a
good person wholl get into heaven, not an evil sinner whos going to a
torturous hell. Everyone has to believe what you and I believe. As Ive had

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time to attain knowledge Ive developed a strong desire to seek as much

personal objective truth as I can find. I want to find truth and purity, as they
both exists for me. And Ive come to realize that what is the most true exists
in the current moment, which is indeed a miracle of some kind. What we
have now (in the moment) which we can perceive through our constantly
evolving consciousness, is what really is true. That is The Truth. Because
life only lasts for so long. Every moment counts, and we need to help others
as much as we can, and ease the sufferings of the world. This is what I
believe.

Some people seem to get upset or depressed if someone tells them The
God youve come to rely on has never really existed from the get-go, but I
dont view that statement as such a sad, horrible, or scary thing, since theres
a good chance it could in fact not be too far off from the way things actually
are. But Ill adhere to my self-proclaimed partial agnosticism [not counting
my belief in pantheism], so Ill also go onto say that theres also no 100%
certainty that such a statement is the complete truth, either. As Trent Reznor
put it in one of his songs, There is no God up in the sky, tonight. No sign of
heaven, anywhere in sight.

Personally, I dont find such a statement all that scary. Reznor has been
known by many to write all sorts of atheistic lyrics, though such lyrics may
or may not reveal his true beliefs about the concept of God. He may very
well believe in God, but he also might not. Theres really no way to tell
completely, unless he were to say in an interview.

Well, right now, Im listening to my The Smashing Pumpkins Greatest

Hits CD. Its really reminding me of how much I love that band. They were
obviously influenced by the Freddie Mercurys Queen, which was also an
amazing band, which made beautiful music, before the potential, of new
music from them, died, just like it did with the Pumpkins when they broke
up.

I dont know. Maybe Im delving into personal mysticism a bit too much
here...Should probably go to bed and get some sleep.

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Fuck. This is not fucking good. The laptop of mine has been having some
problems, so Im back to this regular computer of Dads for what will
hopefully be no more than a few days, at the most. Hes had to take it into
Comp USA, and have them look at it, since it was making some weird
clicking sounds, and somethings obviously gone wonky with its sound card
or sound device inside it. It was really tough to use my laptop while it made
that sound, and the bottom or it felt very overheated when the thing was in
use. So Dad took it out of my room this morninglike we talked about him
doingand took it into Comp USA today. Now its a waiting game, but that
really bothers me. This is coz Ill be leaving for Fort Lauderdale in around a
week or so, which is not much time at all, but probably enough to get the
rest of my shit together, and be prepared for college. I think Ive pretty much
been well on my way, but Im not quite all the way there yet. I think I have
just a little bit more than enough time to finish all my stuff up. Quite
fortunately, the perceivable motion of tangible sequentially automated
phenomena, or time for short, has not been going by quite as fast as I
predicted it would after I graduated high school. Id thought it would go by a
hell of a lot quicker than it actually did. I was just sort of like, Woo-hoo!
Hell yes! The thing thats really shocking is that It will only really be a
month between the time I graduated from Center Academy, and the time
school at the Art Institute will be starting, and Ill be majoring in Media Arts
and Animation, and living on the near-campus dorms. I dont remember
what the real name for the living quarters is though. I assume the schoolll
primarily be teaching a lot of stuff correlated to the field of digital
animation, but Im sure they want to teach a lot of things about traditional 2D animation and drawing in general, as to at least try churning out wellrounded students. I will then proceed to work my ass of in collegewhich is
surely not too hard of a thing for one to predict. Its fucking obvious! Cause
Ill be attending an art schoolFor anyone going to a college like that, it
would only seem natural that a student of such a school would spent a lot of
time drawing and whatnot. Being creative, and the like.

Aside from the whole Getting Ready For College process, some other
stuffs happened. Got my license finally, and getting it made me quite
happy. Bought some comic books at Absolute Comics (on State Road 436),

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and got new glasses yesterday. I like the new frames and shapes of their
lenses. Better than my olderand originalones. The new frames have
more of a sideways-rectangular type shape, and resemble squares closer than
they do circles (whereas my first pair of glasses resembled the latter more
than the former). I dont know. Just sort of like the way this new pair
contrasts with the shape of my face than the earlier glasses did. They look a
bit more geekysomewhatbut I dont mind looking so-so, with a hint of
geekiness. Such a look does not bother me in the least. Not when I realize
there are people out there, whos physiological componentswhich
comprise their tangible sentient totalityare quite a bit more bizarre in
appearance than those of my own. Im talking about Siamese twins joined at
the skull, burn victims who no longer have any hair and have red blotches
and wrinkles covering a lot of their skin (though theyre only around 16 or
so years old, if that). God. I feel so sorry and bad for those kinds of people,
whoIm quite certainget stares from people, everywhere, in every place
they go out to in public. And I used to think everyone often stared at me and
often thought negative things about me, which is not the case at all. People
such as the ones I mentioned attracted a lot more of unwanted attention than
I do or probably ever could.

Man, Id like to be drawing, or writing essays, or posting on message

boards, or playing Playstation 1, but I dont know. I guess Im just sort of
trying to get some new words and ideas out right now, coz this writing in
this journal thing has kind of become this sort of now-perennial ritual that
Ive grown accustomed to. For me, doing thisjust being able to write stuff,
just for myself which no thousands and thousands of people on the Internet,
from all across the world will also be able to read if they want to; Going
back to doing private writing, in other wordsis as addictive as Im sure
smoking Camel or Winston Light cigarettes would be for someone
whowell, for someone who smokes cigarettes. Fortunately, Ive never
taken up smoking, and have not become such a person. And the only reason
I know the names Camel and Winston Light is because of way back when I
had my first job ever, at the supermarket, when every so often a customer
would have you (the courtesy clerk) or the cashier go behind the Customer
Service counter, and get them various items located behind the counter. The
things which many customers requested the retrieval of would often be
cartons and packs of cigarettes. So whenever they had me retrieve a pack or
a carton of cigarettes for a customer who purchased them, it was pretty easy

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to read the various brand names, because there was a whole wall behind the
service counter reserved for them. I am however considering trying
marijuana, but Im honestly less afraid of trying that (pot) than I would be
with smoking regular old cigarettes. This is coz there seems to actually be
less of a chance for addiction to marijuana than there would be for
cigarettes. This is because the effects of marijuana on a persons biology
varies from person to person, whereas traditional cigarettes seem to be just
as extremely addicting to all people equally. Thats the goddamn nicotine at
work. Hey, I paid attention in D.A.R.E. (the anti-drug education program)
class when I went to elementary school, so I know my shit.

Just finished having a late dinner, which Mom made me. A turkey, salami,
ham, cheese, and mayo sandwich, which I had around 10:45 p.m., which
was about 15 minutes ago.

I just thought up a cool name, which Ive really liked quite a bit. I looked it
up in Websters New World Dictionary a couple nights ago, when I was
looking through the pages, and looking up various words. I came across a
word in there that I really, really like. A lot. It was a word called Myopia,
which is basically a term for nearsightedness. Im definitely planning on
sometime in the futurecoming up with a series, film idea, song idea,
animation idea, novel idea, or comic book idea (or perhaps just a title idea)
that will use that word at one point. Actually, I took the first step. Yesterday,
I laid down on my bed with some books Ive been reading for a while to
keep me from getting board, then took out a metal ring notepad, and a blue
ink writing pen, and began sketching out my own artists design, and drew
my own version of that word. I had this whole concept in my head of what I
wanted the word to look like, when designed in a kind of graphic design
sense, so I took out the notebook paper, and sketched a rough version out. It
turned out so-so, but I didnt think it looked good enough. So I sketched out
a second version, which had a design very similar to the proportions of the
first version, but this time it looked a lot better. Got it this time, I thought.
Nailed it. The second time was the time I got it right. Both attempts were on
the same page, the newer one being on the top, the oldest belonging
underneath. I then showed the logo design I drew to Dad a while after I

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finished it, later that night, around 12:30 or 1 in the morning while Dad was
using his computer. He said he liked it. Then the next day, I showed my
Myopia word design to Mom as well, and she also said she really, really
liked it. So overall, I was quite pleased with how it turned out. That concept
that I just came up with not ever 70 hours ago, may very well turn into
something interesting in the future; Some interesting idea. But right now, I
dont know what exactly it might end up becoming. As of now, its just a
single word, which I really like and have just learned about. But as far as the
direct future goes, Ill be focusing on the college art school thing.
Just did a word count of this journal entry, and the total came to about
2,173. This is good. Consistency. Ive been cranking out what come pretty
close to being 2,000 (give or take a couple hundred) journal entries pretty
consistently for the majority of the last week or two; and Im currently the
age of 18 years. Stephen King aims for around 2,000 words per day, so Id
suppose Im in pretty good company, speaking as an aspiring writer. I pretty
much decided a long time ago, when I was quite young, that I wanted to be
able to have a career of some sort, which was also creative, when I grew up.
So now, for as far back as I can remember, Ive given it pretty much all Ive
got, and have at least tried to put my heart and soul into as much of my work
as I can, with maybe some personal, and emotional elements thrown in here
and there.

My god. Just what the hell has happened over the years? It used to be that
the only underground comic book (or indie comic book, or comix) stars
or famous artists were limited to a very small few. Im talking about ones
who broke out before from the year 1997 or so to the current year: 2002. It
used to be that the only indie creators quite a few had heard of were the likes
of the now-legendary names, which were the obvious names: Robert Crumb,
Dave Sim, Daniel Clowes, and Vaughn Bode. But a couple years past, and
what seemed to be a newer breed of indie stars broke out. Creators such as:
Jeff Smith, Rob Schrab, Peter Bagg (Hate), and Terry Moore. But now there
are even newer indie legends, which Ive become quite a bit more familiar
with over the last few years. These include: Paul Pope, Jamie Hewlett, Evan
Dorkin, Jim Mahfood, Jhonen Vasquez, Chynna Clugston-Major, Andi
Watson, Frank Cho, Marc Hempel, Ted Naifeh, Christine Norrie, C. Scott
Morse, and a whole slew of people working in indie comics, whichaside
from being aware that Ive posted on both their message boards at various

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700

times pretty frequently here or thereare two companies which have really
seemed to of grown on me. It really makes me happy to see these companies
going through what seems like a process where theyre getting quite a bit of
success, artistic respect, big names, and commercial success as well. Both
companies now regularly get featured in Wizard Magazine which is mostly
known for covering the really huge creators, writers, artists, publishers, etc.
(which really surprised the hell out of me, coz for the last couple years since
way back in 97 or sowhich is when I started reading my first stuff from
them. Then my love for their stuff just kind of grew from thereI was used
to seeing pretty much all their stuff [except for Kevin Smiths Clerks comic
book adaptation, JtHM, and Milk & Cheese] get treated with pretty much
complete disregard and public obscurity. Until what would seem like just
recently. It used to be if you asked people in the comic community, they
more than likely knew about the typical superhero shit, manga, Dark Horse,
Fantagraphics and the wretchedly dated and now-utterly-unreadable Archie
Comics line.), so it almost kind of seems like both companies suddenly
became what seem like giants. The indies are probably the evil version of
Archie Comics, which is to say that theyre a hell of a lot more readable,
adult-oriented, and fun. Both companies have been known to do stuff for
younger readers, but I think Ive pretty much figured out that it never sells
anywhere near as well as their adult titles with all the adult themes and
content, which I find to be wonderful. Theres enough kiddy-oriented shit
about 98% of American animation and the cartoons made here, and it used
to pretty much be the same way with comic books. But now I think high
sales of so many Mature Reader-type comic book series and miniseries has
pretty much killed of a lot of the market for little kid-oriented comic books. I
hated the Archie and Marvel Comics line with a passion, especially Marvels
older stuff, before Joe Quesada had the balls to take chances and theyve
been able to get some actual good comic book writers and artists (with some
inspiring, creative, at times vigorous, and original styles) to work for Marvel
Comics. And with the success of the Spider-Man live action movie (which
set a new record for the largest opening weekend gross in film history. Over
$100 million, for a frickin comic book movie), the comic book industry has
seen a real rebirth in the last two or so years alone, and I for one could not be
more pleased with this evolution. I think in the last three years alone (if even
that long), Marvel has gotten the following creators to work for them: Brian
Michael Bendis, Kevin Smith, Garth Ennis, Steve Dillon, Greg Rucka,
Yoshitaka Amano, Bill Seinkiwics, C. Scott Morse, David Mack, Jim
Mahfood, Andi Watson, Chynna Clugston-Major, Sam Keith, and I think
even Neil Gaiman will be working for them in the near future. I find that

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701

simply amazing for a company which has the kind of reputation Marvel has.
I love how theyre trying as hard as they can to pump new creative energy
into their comics and try some new shit for once. Not just the same old
goddamn Stan Lee [script and story]/John Buscema [art] dated comic book
storytelling style. I never liked that style in the first place, and thought it
basically served as a doorway to a lot of really horribly uninspiring comic
book stereotypes and clichs, which Ive never liked in the first place. I
spent my earlier days pretty much hating comic books for the most part (or
at least what I presumed all comic books to be like at the time, before I
found out that theres some stuff out there thats actually cool and
unconventional, which doesnt going according to standards or
normality, if such things even exist). I used to think the only other things
to read aside from Marvel and DCs superhero stuff was either Dark Horse
(with pretty much only Frank Millers Sin City, or Hellboy) or Archie
Comics. Yuck, I thought. Most of that stuff really blows, except maybe
Frank Miller. But then I found out about actual good comic books. I think
the first company that produced a fair amount of stuff I could really get into
used to be Image Comics, before Spawn started sucking and a lot of their old
series pretty much faded into oblivion, to be replaced by newer books and
creators. Stuff like Spawn (the pre-Issue #50 or so era), The Maxx. But also
stuff like Bone, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Preacher, Hectic Planet,
Cerebus, Jay and Silent Bob, Blue Monday, Blade of the Immortal, Oh My
Goddess!, Breakfast After Noon, Powers, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Oni
Double Feature, Kissing Chaos, Jim Mahfoods Stupid Comics, The
Nocturnals, Kabuki, Strangers In Paradise, Alan Moores Promethea,
Transmetropolitan, Pedro & Me, Neil Gaimans works, Yoshitaka Amanos
stuff, The Red Star, and Paul Popes stuff (Heavy Liquid, THB, 100%). This
was all stuff I discovered over the years, and could really get into.

So far the word count for todays entry is right around 3,551, so I aint doin
all that bad, if I do say so myself. Thats about a bit more than 1,500 words
more than what I was actually aiming for, but extra writing is never really a
bad thing in my eyes. Any extra creative work is good work to me.
Jesus fucking Christ. Its already 4:07 a.m. of tomorrow. Christ. Ive been
up for so long, for Chrisake. That kind of freaking sucks that Ive gone so
long without sleep. Ill obviously go to bed eventually. Its just that
whenever I fall asleep, Im not sure when Ill wake up.

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702

I dont know. Was thinking about what Amanda Martin (an ex-high school
classmate, friend, and girl I had a crush on) said to me when I called her on
the phone around the end of when I was in high school. Shes the one who
told me I was a genius, among a couple others.
Youre going to rule the world one day, she said.
I laughed. Eh. I dont know about that, I told her.
Itd probably be a nifty idea though, I added.
I guess Ive never really given serious thought to world domination. Its a
funny idea, so maybe Ill think about it. Heh. I dont know. I think what she
meant when she said that was that she was alluding to her belief of what I
assume would mean she believe Ill be a powerful person one day. Well, I
did take this one test from Choi, this teacher who taught at Center Academy
a long time ago when I went there, whos Korean, and has a lot of relatives
from Korea. I had to draw some stuff. A house, water, and mountains, or
something, I think. I remember pretty clearly that I drew quite a bit of water
around my crappy drawing of a house.
You drew a lot of water, JM. That means youre going to have a lot of
money, she said in what sounded like a confident tone, which I thought was
pretty cool. I dont know. I figured a test like that being accurate has about
the same probably correlation to the tangible existence of the future as, say,
your typical Madam Palm Reader crystal ball lady. And how often do they
hit the mark. Not much, Id assume. Id be happy making $30,000 to
$40,000 a year. Thats enough to live off of. I think Im starting to feel like I
couldnt really care less about whether or not Ill ever make the multi
million-dollar kind of salary, like the superstars and celebrities make. Im
talking in the tens of millions of dollars. The biggest of big paychecks. Like
$30 to $40 million a year, with the seven figure royalty checks. Unless Im
someone on the same level of Stephen Spielberg, Matt Groening, Chris
Carter, Stephen King, or lots and lots of various people doing various things
in Hollywood, Id assume the possibility of myself making such a
ridiculously large amount of money to be unlikely. In a way, I just like the
process. I like to create lots of neat stuff, that I like a lot myself. I like the act
of drawing stuff and getting better at it, and I like the act of writing stuff and
getting better at it. I dont think I put any lines/designs/concepts/theories/
and/or words down on paper with the intent of making any specific amount
of money. Thats not what Im doing this shit for. If you do the craft for the
love of it, and not the hope of the fame and power and big-ass paycheck or
any of that other bullshit, then you can do it forever. Youll never get tired of

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it, so long as you dont view it as a Goddamn tedious chore, or irritating job.
A Day Job, in other words, like the one I used to have at the supermarket
and hated beyond my entire cerebral totality, with the exception of a few
scattered precious, rewarding moments. When I think of those times, I
realize thatin retrospectthey actually come quite close to making the
whole First Day Job ordeal in my life almost worth it. Those moments
almost made even applying for such a job worth it.
I really dont have much else to sayFor now.