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Today Im starting a new sermon series called Caring with the heart of Jesus. Were
doing something different in this series. Each week Im going to start by sharing a teaching on a
particular quality of Jesus heart. This first talk will be heavy on teaching content. Then well
sing a song related to the theme. Then were going to look at a particular situation and ask the
question of how we can apply this quality of Jesus heart into the situation.
This week the quality in Jesus heart were looking at is wisdom. The situation is
relationships within our family. In particular well look at the question how do I maintain a
relationship when Im having a conflict in my family.
I want to encourage you to use this brochure that is in the bulletin. Ive given you a Bible
Study on wisdom this week. I encourage you to use it this week. I think youll be blessed.
Youll also have a place to take notes.
Definitions
SLIDE

Intelligencehow much we know. When were saying a person is intelligent

were remarking on the amount of knowledge the person has. The person has a high IQ
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Smartsthis is a sense of savviness. When a person is smart that person is

clever, astute, and shrewd

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Wisdomthis is the understanding of core teachings of the universe. A person

who is wise peers into the function of the world. Not just science, but how the world really the
cosmos operates as a system.

A person who has wise has seen the world and how it operates

and shares those lessons.

We would trust a person who has wisdom because the person has an experience about the world.
Wisdom is often shared in short, pithy statements like Starbucks used to put on their
coffee cups OR what we the saying we read in a fortune cookie after eating Chinese Food.

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When we read the Bible well discover books that are described as wisdom. They are
Proverbs, Psalms, Ecclesiastes, Job and even Song of Solomon. Youll read this week in the
devotion about the wisdom of Solomon. If we read the book of Proverbs we would read these
short pithy statements that are like a statement we would read in a fortune cookie.
In some places in the Bible well find that wisdom is described almost as God. Wisdom
is almost like a God. If we read Proverbs 8 closely well read that wisdom was present at
Creation. In a few places Jesus might even have hinted at the personal and even divine nature of
wisdom.
This is controversial. In 1994 Presbyterians had a huge and sad fight about Wisdom. At
a conference called Reimagining this idea of worshipping Wisdom or Sophiathe greek word
for Wisdomwas lifted up.
For myself I believe in the TrinityCreator/Christ/Holy SpiritFather/Son/Holy Spirit,
so I dont think of wisdom as the personification of God. Ive read Proverbs 8 closely, and I can
understand how a person might make that case.
This what I know. Wisdom was a quality of Jesus heart. He would share short parables,
or pithy statements that would inspire people to say, wow. That was brilliant. It was the sort of
statement whose meaning kept revealing itself. People would take these statements and reflect
on them. Through their reflections they would receive a deeper understanding of how the world
worked.
At times Jesus spoke like a wisdom teacher. Take the sermon on the mount. Really this
was a speech. It wasnt given in a synagoguea place of worship. Instead Jesus took a group of
people to a mountain. Like a wisdom teacher he sat down. Then he shared some short pithy
statements.

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SLIDE
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Matthew 5:3-6
He shared four other of these statements.
When we hear these statements our response is there is something there in there. Its the
type of statement where we go home and reflect on it. The meaning isnt often initially clear, but
the more we think and reflect the deeper understanding we have of how the world works.
People recognized this quality of wisdom in Jesus. In todays reading the people wanted
to know, where did this man get this authority. He has a wisdom that we have not heard
anywhere else.
Wisdom has a timeless quality. Its not contextual. A wise saying would be just as wise
500 years ago as it is today. In a way wisdom is like a scientific observation. Take gravity for
example. You and I know that if we throw something in the air that object is going to fall to the
earth. If we were somehow transported in time to the year 1515 we would that if we threw an
object in the air that object would come back to the earth. Gravity is the same 500 years ago as
today. Wisdom is like that. Its just as true in 1515 as it is 2015.
If youre like me you have all sorts of questions about life. Often questions are about
decisions we are making. Should I take a job, or should I have a medical surgery, or how do I
maintain a relationship when Im having a conflict with someone in our family?
Its my experience that God doesnt always give us specific answers to specific questions.
Sometimes we get these answers, but not always. We might ask the question, If God does not
give clear answers to these specific questions of mine, how am I supposed to live a wise life?
Instead God gives us a framework that we apply to the specific questions that we have.

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Whats the framework. Jesus was asked this question. Whats most important? Jesus
answered this question. Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, love your
neighbor as you love yourself. Jesus affirmed the tradition of the 10 commandments. If our
answer is inconsistent with Jesus call to love and the 10 commandments, then it is the wrong
answer. If were wondering if we should have an affair, the answer is no. Do not commit
adultery. If were wondering if we should steal something our neighbor has, the answer is no.
You shall not steal. These pithy statements about wisdom are consistent with this framework.
The final point is living out wisdom is a process. Let me explain it this way. This past
week I shared practices that keep us spiritually healthy in Starting Point. We have a group that
meets on Monday mornings at 11 and another one that meets on Wednesdays at 7. Weve had
excellent attendance at both. This week Im talking about what it means to be Presbyterian. I
shared four practices that keep us spiritually healthy. They are worship, service, prayer, and
being involved in a community. The practices help us live out this framework that help us make
wise decisions. Our decisions are wiser when we consistently worship, when we consistently
serve, when we consistently pray and when we consistently serve in a community.
God often doesnt prescribe a solution, but gives us a framework, gives us a process and
trusts us to be wise.
Let me close this section with a story. I believe that one of the most important decision
we will ever make is the selection of our spouse. Im not at all saying that all of us are called to
be married. But I am saying that the selection of our spouse is one of the most important
decisions we will ever make.
I still remember the day that I decided to ask Amy to marry me. I knew that I was going
to ask her, I just didnt know when. The morning of our first anniversary of meeting we were

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going to re-enact our first date. People had asked me, are you going to ask her then? No
thats too obvious. That morning I thoughtwhy not ask her tonight. I have to pray about this.
This is the most important decision Im ever going to make. So I prayed and I prayed some more
and I prayed some more. I was hoping that God would tell me, yesask her tonight or no
wait. I received nothing.
After praying for a long while I asked God, what am I supposed to do? Then I got an
answer. The answer I received was not a voice, but instead an impression. The impression was,
I trust you. Make a decision.
God gives a framework10 Commandments and Jesus call to love. God gives us faith
practices to keep us healthy.
Then its as if God says, do this and you will be wise.
As a pastor I probably receive more questions about challenging family relationships than
any other questions. Its a privilege to receive your questions and travel with you as you
navigate difficult family situations.
You have questions like what do I do when my sibling goes off on a rant about religion or
politics that I dont agree with; should I invite my dads girl friend to Christmas dinner when the
two of them had an affair that caused a divorce between my dad and mom; what do I say to my
sister when she is engaging in activities that I know are wrong; what should I do when my
brother asks me for two thousand dollars. Hes told me that if he doesnt get the money hell be
homeless, but this is the fourth different time hes asked me for significant money. All of these
questions are advice questions. What do I do?
We want to make wise decisions. How do I maintain a relationship when Im having a
conflict in my family?

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For the sake of this talk Im talking about adult relationships in a family. Im not talking
about a parent/child relationship, and Im not talking about relationships among friends.
I know youthe people at Chain of Lakes. The challenge is that Jesus doesnt give us
answers for every family situation we encounter. We dont read in the gospels of what were
supposed to do when our daughter keeps drinking and our grandchildren are suffering. It would
have been easier if Jesus had just written out a manual for how to live with our family.
We dont even know a lot about the family of Jesus. We know that the mother of Jesus
was Mary. We know that Mary was married to Joseph. Tradition teaches us that Joseph was
quite a bit older than Mary. We know that in some places Jesus mentions his siblings. We also
know that the only one family member was present when Jesus died. We dont receive a lot of
specific help for our own family conflicts by learning how Jesus treated his own family.
What Jesus does give us is a framework. He teaches us to love and he teaches us to live
by the 10 Commandments.
The hard part is the application. Jesus gives a foundation and then look to other experts
for help.
What informs my thinking is a man by the name of Edwin Friedman. He wrote a book
called Generation to Generation that inspires many main-line pastors. I spent much of the
week reading this book.
He thinks of a family as a system of relationships. When we are having a conflict within
our family this conflict has to do with the relational dynamics within our family as a whole.
These conflicts have much more to do with how our individual personalities relate to each other.
Ill let Friedman make his own point:
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This approach [family systems] deemphasizes the notion that our conflict and anxieties are due
primarily to the makeup of our personalities, and suggests, instead, that our individual problems
have more to do with our relational networks, the makeup of others personalities, where we
stand within the relational systems, and how we function within that position. It understands the
symptom bearer to be only the identified patient and the persons problem to be symptomatic
of something askew in the family itself. Edwin Friedman, Generation to Generation Page 13
The first point I want to share is think of our family as a system or network of
relationships. When two people have a conflict within that family the conflict is about much
more than the conflict. That conflict is revealing something deeper about this web of
relationships within the family. The conflict might reveal something else. Often we have to
figure out the something else. Treating the conflict is not going to solve the family problem.
Its like when a patient comes to the doctor with jaundice or yellow skin. The doctor
could give the patient a cream to turn the color of the skin, but that isnt going to help the deeper
problem of a liver that has malfunctioned. Friedmann would say that treating a conflicted
relationship within a family might not solve the problem. We have to understand the system as a
whole.
How do we do that? Second, we have to discover where the source of anxiety in our
family. If you are having a conflict with someone some sort of anxiety is causing that conflict to
erupt. Keep pushing to discover the source of the anxiety. Often that source comes from
somewhere else in our family; sometimes that source might come from generations before us.
For example, if you are caring for your parent and your parent is treating you terribly as
the caregiver terribly, the conflict is not about you personally. Most likely some sort of anxiety
is causing your parent to act this way. Perhaps they are feeling anxious about their own death;
perhaps they are anxious about something unresolved in their own life; maybe their anxiousness
has to do with their own jealousy that you are healthy and the person is not. Most likely their
anxiety is a pattern that they inherited from someone in their own family. You might want to go

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deeper into thinking about how your parents parents passed away, or how did someone else
relate to their own death when they were aging.
If we can locate the source of anxiety we are much freer to act. Say we have a hard time
talking to our brother because we always end up getting in a fight about politics or religion. So
we spend some time discerning what is causing the anxiety. Perhaps you have an uncle who was
an aspiring politician who had strong views. Maybe your uncle was never able to accomplish the
office that he wanted. This resentment about politics lingers in the family. This resentment
landed on your brother. Perhaps your brother in a perverse way is taking out on you the anxiety
and frustrations of your uncle.
SLIDE 2nd pointlocate the source of anxiety in your family; see how it is functioning.
3rd pointstay differentiated within your family system. Friedmann shares this idea of
differentiation.
SLIDE
Differentiation is the capacity of a family member to define his or her lifes goals
and values apart from the surrounding pressures of the family system.
When were differentiated we use I statements. this is what I want; this is what I
believe; this is what I think. When were differentiated we share these wants, beliefs and
thoughts despite our familys pressure to conform to the family. When we are differentiated we
are taking responsibility for our own life, instead of blaming our family for our problems. When
we are differentiated we are maintaining our own sense of identity and not letting the pressures
of our family define us.
Go to a family function and we can quickly see how differentiated people are. Just notice
how often someone uses I statements. I believe this; I think this; I want this. That is a sign of
differentiation. When we use these I statements we arent trying to fight, were not trying to
make our issues the familys issues. Were not trying to hurt our family or to say that our

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familys system is wrong. What we are saying is we are able to maintain our own sense of
identity within our family.
When we are differentiated we dont succumb to guilt; we dont fall for manipulation; we
arent pulled in to try to fix another family member. Our task is to be clear about ourselves.
When we are differentiated we still love our family, we still respect our family, were still
committed to our family as a unit. Within that system were clear about who we are.
For example if our parent says something like, if you really loved me you would come
visit me more. A differentiated person doesnt get sucked into this guilt. A differentiated
person is secure in the love he or she has for their parents. This person would say, mom, I love
you. Im happy to visit you, but I dont need to prove my love by seeing you.
The last point I want to share is go above and beyond in sharing and displaying love.
Never give up on your family. Never give up on someone in your family. Never, ever, ever,
ever, ever give up. Ive had people come to me and say, this person doesnt deserve my love
because of how theyve treated me. Ill say, you are so right. They dont deserve your love.
Then Ill say as diplomatically as I can, when was love ever about what we deserved. People
dont deserve our love. Jesus never said love those who only deserve your love. Jesus even
went as far as to say, love your enemies. Sometimes thats our family.
Even when they dont deserve our love. We love them.
I have great respect for how hard this is because Ive seen the pain that families cause
each other.
I do know there is hope. There is wisdom. We cant discover that unless we stay
connected.

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Do I think this is easyno. I think maintaining family relationships is the one of the
hardest thing we will ever do. Which leads me to my final point. Pray. And then pray some
more. And then keep praying. Let prayer be the operating system that regulates your life.
Certainly pray for the other person and the relationship. Pray for wisdom; and then pray for
wisdom again. And then keep praying for wisdom. This wisdom is at the heart of Jesus.