How to Handle Stress

It’s common knowledge in more than a few of my circles that I am a veritable

rock when it comes to handling stress—steadfast; unblinking; resolute. Why, just
the other day I was asked to speak about my patented technique of self-paralysis
in deflecting would-be stressors. My clinic was quite a hit—prompting nearly
everyone to adopt their own style, and before I’d even provided the demo! Later,
one of the nursing home staff said they’d actually been crafting this for many
years. Now that’s the type of dedication it takes to combat stress, people!

In my experience, stress and anxiety, if left to their own devices, will breed like
rodents and soon achieve a record population. To combat this, it's quite
important to manage their numbers. Now, you could shell out a pile of your hard-
earned money and pay a clinically trained psychologist to ride herd on your
stress. But, those payments will add stress and anxiety as well; now you’re back
where you started, with your retirement nest egg gone!! For the more hardy, you
can have a go yourself, or have someone you trust help out while you shut down
to a basic metabolic state. I guarantee you can do it--all it takes is a little
motivation, a pen and paper, and your most recent cell phone bill…

A trip from Germany to our home base in McChord AFB near Seattle, WA will be
the example. Keep score with the associated mathematical formula—it's fun!! I
hope you find it useful...

To make things fair, start off with zero points--just like in golf, the object is to
make it through with as few points as possible. (This is the only similarity with
golf, although the urge to use a driver to crush the earth when amassing a high
score does happen here also)

For starters, say you show up to fly home after a draining two-week period
moving cargo for the Air Force, and are informed that the Wing Commander of
your base will be flying with you. That tingling sensation you notice may be
described as unease- it's worth 5 points.

If you have time to ascertain the personalities of the crew members under your
command, and are certain that one of them will do something foolish, you can try
telling the scheduler to put the Wing Commander on another C-17—that's called
being proactive, and you can subtract 20 points if it works. If the scheduler
laughs maniacally and says something extremely quick-witted like “no” add 20
points. If the scheduler weasels free from your grip before you've finished
choking him for the evil he dealt you, multiply current score by 2.

As you round up your crewmembers to head out to the jet, it's ok to take a quick
glance at your current score. Don't be disheartened by a seemingly
insurmountable tally, the game is not even close to being finished. That alone
may be disheartening, however.

On your way out, if your crew chose this day out of all others to lose one of the
weapons, destroy cargo, or wear a flight suit that looks like it was stored in a
drum of oil, give yourself 35 points. If the Wing Commander is the one to bring
this to your attention--double your current point level. If the Wing Commander is
wearing a flight suit that looks like it was stored in a drum of oil, divide by 3.

If he chooses to sit upstairs during the preflight, taxi, takeoff and climb out, your
unease may be elevated to discomfort- add 10. Multiply by 3 if you catch him
scrutinizing the Weight and Balance card (sheet detailing cargo weight/center of
gravity computations) and the smart-aleck cartoon quote hidden in the remarks
section by a loadmaster scrubbed clean of all tact. Subtract 15 points if he
laughs.

If during the rendezvous portion of the air refueling you are told to “keep your
speed up” by the refueler pilot who is oblivious to your current situation, please
do so, as this is the prelude to a bottomless well of emotional delight! Nothing—
NOTHING—can allow stress and anxiety to leap to uncharted heights like
straying boldly from established procedure—such as racing headlong towards a
slowing air refueler at 27,000 feet (that incidentally is filled with gasoline).

The skepticism you sense internally when the tanker pilot radios asking you to
break from established and safe procedures is labeled trepidation, because you
know the speed you should be flying is about 3/4 of what they're telling you to
fly. Award yourself no points yet, because there is still a 2.1% likelihood that the
tanker may actually make it work—however, when he doesn’t, you may yet have
to add more points to pull off a Top Gun-style maneuver to save the situation.
When you see the tanker fly past—going the wrong direction-- multiply by 3. This
is called panic.

If the rendezvous is taking place at night, multiply by 3. And call it terror.

If this is the first time you have ever seen a KC-10, aside from the pen and ink
doodles of your artistic loadmaster, add another 28 points.

This is now sheer terror.

If you had 5 hours of flight time before this rendezvous, and a book describing
rendezvous procedures, tips, and visual references for KC-10s sitting in your
pubs bag 8 feet from where you are sitting, but chose not to look at it because
the information you had was that you were getting a KC-135, add 46 points—this
feeling is betrayal.
If there is a Wing Commander now sitting between you and this book, the feeling
can be described as either irony; or for the faithful--God's punishment.

While closing to just about 20 feet behind the tanker, take care to concentrate on
the task at hand, and not be distracted by other events happening on the flight
deck. For instance, if you’re able to ignore the rasp of frantic scribbling from the
Wing Commander jotting down notes, subtract 15 points. If the “scribbling” is
actually the sound of the copilot’s Playboy centerfold being angrily torn out by the
Wing Commander along with a reprimand, subtract 50 points.

The sound of heavy breathing from someone’s headset can also be quite a
nuisance. If you have the presence of mind to channel this out of your sensory
scope, subtract 35 points.

If the sound is caused by you hyperventilating, multiply by 2.

Give yourself 10 points if while in the contact position your copilot asks what
you're using for visual references. This can also be filed under betrayal, or for
the vindictive, terrible mission write-up. Subtract 19 points if you are able to
come up with a cool, collected answer such as “I don’t know--I just wish I hadn’t
had all that cough syrup this morning.” Add 8 points if there is a large, pregnant
pause after your answer. Add 5 points for each 3-second block that the pause
continues. Multiply by 4 if the Wing Commander feels compelled to break the
silence by coughing dryly.

Now, if you are able to overcome all of this and get the fuel from the tanker, you
have won the round, and without having to resort to your ace in the hole!! This is
fortunate, as paralysis on the flight deck can be easily misunderstood and even
lead to other stresses in its own right.

Copyright 2006 Andrew F. Schwaderer