Académique Documents
Professionnel Documents
Culture Documents
8 Negative
Attitudes of
Chronically
Unhappy People
8 Negative Thoughts of Chronically
Unhappy People
Self-Defeating Talk
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takes, or youre going to fail?
Would you consider this person a
real friend? If not, why would you
want to talk or think this way to
yourself? Engaging in habitual selfdefeating talk is like having a false
friend who puts you down all day
long. You become your worst
enemy and detractor.
2.
Negative Assumptions
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and make self-defeating choices (4)
(5).
4. Negative Rumination about
the Past
We should learn from the past, but
not be stuck in it. Sometimes life
circumstances and personal
setbacks can haunt and prevent us
from seeing our true potential and
recognizing new opportunities.
What has already happened we
cannot change, but what is yet to
happen we can shape and
influence. At times the first step is
simply to break from the past and
declare that it is you, not your
history, whos in charge. Goethe
reminds us: Nothing is worth more
than this day. Dont dwell on the
past. Make better choices today
and move on.
Abraham Lincoln lost eight
elections, failed twice in business
and suffered a nervous breakdown
before he became the president of
the United States.
6.
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or other life hardships as the reason
for their unhappiness and lack of
success.
7. The Struggle
to Forgive Yourself
All of us make mistakes in life.
When you look back at your past
deeds, perhaps there were
decisions and actions you regret.
There may have been unfortunate
errors in judgment. You may have
caused harm to yourself and/or
others.
As you recall these past events,
there may be an accompanying
sense of self-blame at the blunders
made, damage done, or
opportunities missed. You might
think of yourself as a bad or
flawed person and wallow in guilt.
During these moments, its
extremely important to be
compassionate with yourself,
knowing that now that youre more
aware, you have a chance to avoid
repeating past mistakes, and to
make a positive difference with
yourself and others.
Forgive yourself. Everyone makes
mistakes and mistakes aren't
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permanent reflections on you as a
person. They're isolated moments
in time. Tell yourself, "I made a
mistake, but that doesn't make me
a bad person."
Mayo Clinic
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dependable? Can you count on
your partner as the rock in your
life? What about you for your
partner?
For some, trust is a complicated
matter. Some people trust blindly,
while others have trust issues.
Evaluate your partners
trustworthiness based not upon
unproven promises or wishful
thinking, but on a strong overall
record of dependability.
____________________________
Partner A
Partner B
Physical
Emotional
Intellectual
Shared Activities
____________________________
Next to each dimension, rank
whether this is a Must have,
Should have, or Could have for
you in your romantic relationship.
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After answering for yourself, next
ask your partner to rank, or on your
own put down how you think your
partner would prioritize. The more
must-must and must-should
combinations between you and
your partner, the greater the
possibility of an intimate
relationship. Since relationships are
not static, a couple may evolve in
the dimensions of
intimacy.Understanding one
anothers priorities, and connecting
in ways that are important to both
partners help ensure long-term
relational success.
3. What Type of Person Shows
Up Within You in this
Relationship?
Consider the friends in your life. Do
different friends bring out different
sides of you? Maybe youre more
reserved with one and more
rambunctious with another. Perhaps
youre patient with some and
quarrel with others. A friend may
trigger your higher or lower
tendencies.
Just as a friend can elicit a
particular side of you, so does your
partner. Consider the following
questions: Does my better self
show up when Im with my partner?
Does my worse self show up when
Im with my partner? Perhaps its a
combination of both? If so, what
situations tend to bring out a
particular side of me?
Fundamentally, do I like myself in
this relationship?
Your honest answers to these
questions offer important clues to
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If your relationship suffers from
ineffective communication, the good
news is that as long as you and
your partner are willing,
improvements can be learned
quickly and put to use immediately.
For more resources on this topic,
click on titles & download free
excerpts of my publications (click
on title): "How to Communicate
Effectively and Handle Difficult
People(link is external)," "How to
Successfully Handle PassiveAggressive People(link is external),"
and "Communication Success with
Four Personality Types(link is
external)."
5. How do You and Your Partner
Deal with Conflict in the
Relationship?
Couples with poor conflict
resolution skills typically engage in
Fight, Flight, or Freeze behaviors.
They fight and stay mad,
sometimes holding grudges for
years. They flight and avoid
important issues by sweeping them
under the rug. Or, after endless
arguments with no resolution in
sight, they freeze emotionally and
shut down. Someone who freezes
in a relationship typically goes
through the motions on the outside,
but has stopped caring on the
inside.
Successful couples have the ability
to solve problems and let it go.
They focus on taking care of the
issue rather than attacking the
person. Even when angry, they find
ways to be upset and stay close at
the same time. Once the matter is
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finances once a week were over 30
percent more likely to divorce over
time than couples who reported
disagreeing about finances a few
times per month.
Differences in financial values often
appear early in a relationship. For
example, who pays for the first
date? What about the second date?
And the third? Is your partner happy
when you give a thoughtful but nonmonetary birthday gift, or will he or
she feel disappointed because you
didn't purchase something?
Additional questions to consider
include: Is your partner generally
happy with what he or she owns, or
is there a constant, insatiable desire
to always acquire more? Are you
and your partner able to solve
financial difficulties and differences
as a team?
Formulating with your partner a
viable financial plan, paying
attention to patterns of financial
discontent, initiating conversations
early to resolve differences, and
seeking financial or couples
counseling when needed are some
of the keys to maintaining financial
peace.
For more on the secrets of wealth
building, see my publication (click
on title) "Wealth Building Attitudes,
Values, and Habits(link is external)."
In closing, whether youre
single, dating, or in a committed
relationship, these seven keys to
long-term relationship success may
serve as a check-up of your
relational health and well-being.
With self-honesty, openness, and a
desire to grow, you can significantly
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Anonymous narcissist
The Mayo Clinic research group
definesnarcissistic personality
disorder as a mental disorder in
which people have an inflated
sense of their own importance and
a deep need for admiration. Those
with narcissistic personality
disorder believe that they're
superior to others and have little
regard for other people's feelings.
But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile selfesteem, vulnerable to the slightest
criticism.
At the workplace, a
pathologically narcissistic co-worker
can be annoying and frustrating at
best, and a serious threat to your
career at worst. Below are ten signs
that your colleague might be a
narcissist, with excerpts from my
book (click on cover) How to
Successfully Handle Narcissists(link
is external). While some people
might show these tendencies from
time to time, especially in highpressure and competitive situations,
a pathological narcissist tends to
perpetually dwell in several of the
following personas, even when the
work environment is relatively calm
and cordial.
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from someone. They want to
constantly appear important, with a
blown-up and exaggerated sense of
themselves.
3. Spotlight Hogger
Many narcissists love to be the
center of attention, and do so by
dominating meetings,
presentations, phone conferences,
and email discussions. At these
proceedings, they often like to
remind people of their
accomplishments, and why their
ideas and proposals deserve
special consideration. Some
narcissists will also take these
opportunities to be disruptive and
put others down (more on this
below). They like to make
themselves as powerful and
influential as possible.
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6. Break Rules and Social Norms
Many narcissists believe that
theyre entitled and special, and
thus beyond precept. Theyre prone
to taking short cuts and taking large
or small advantages of people and
the system. This can range from
stealing office supplies and
falsifying reports, to concocting
unethical business schemes and
committing egregious white collar
crimes. Many narcissists think that
they are above the law, and should
be exceptions to the rules.
Its your fault that I forgot because you didnt remind me!
Anonymous narcissist
8. Passive-Aggressive Tendencie
s
Narcissistic passive-aggressive
traits at the workplace may include
negative gossip, sarcasm, veiled
hostile joking (often followed by
"just kidding"), professional and
social exclusion, backstabbing, two
faced, procrastination, stonewalling,
forgetting, denying personal
responsibility, victimhood, and
deliberate weakness to elicit
sympathy and favor. These passiveaggressive behaviors are often
intended to prop oneself up, put
others down, and get away with as
much as possible.
9. Superior/Inferior Orientation
Many narcissists are unable to
relate to individuals as equals. They
either take an inferior position and
defer to you, or a superior position
and presume that theyre in some
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ways better than you. For them,
both the superior and inferior
postures are calculated to sway you
to give them what they want such
is the purpose of relationships to
them. They lack the empathy and
humanity to treat people simply as
equitable human beings.
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3 Major Warning
Signs of
Relationship
Trouble
3 Warning Signs of a Relationship
in TroubleResearch Based
Most of us want to meet and settle
down with the right person, and
most of us want such a relationship
to last. Yet 53% of marriages in the
U.S., 48% in Canada, 47% in the
U.K., and 43% in Australia end
in divorce (1). What are some of the
major warning signs of a
relationship in trouble? There are a
multitude of clues. This article will
selectively focus on three key
indicators, including the top two
reasons for divorce (2):
1. Contemptuous
Communication
Dr. John Gottman of the University
of Washington, a foremost expert
on couple studies, concluded after
over twenty years of research that
the single, best predictor of divorce
is when one or both partners show
contempt in the relationship (3)(4).
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is wrong, instead of how to be
better, and discourages change.
Tough on the Person, Soft on the
Issue
Youre so stupid and lazy!
Anonymous partner
In every communication situation
involving another person, there are
two elements present: the person
you are relating to, and the issue or
behavior you are addressing.
Effective communicators know how
to separate the issue or the
behavior from the person, and be
soft on the person and firm on the
issue. Contemptuous
communicators will do the opposite.
They literally get personal by
being tough on the person, while
minimizing or ignoring the issue or
the behavior.
Invalidate Feelings
Invalidation of feelings occurs when
we recognize emotions, positive or
negative, coming out of a person,
and either discount, belittle,
minimize, ignore or negatively judge
these feelings. For example: Your
concerns are meaningless to me!
Your complaints are totally
unfounded. Youre blowing things
way out of proportion. When we
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tendency towards materialism are
also key factors increasing the
likelihood of divorce.
Married couples dont have to be
facing poverty or a job loss for
nancial issues to impact their
marriage. Rather, decisions like
whether to make a major purchase
using consumer credit or how much
of a paycheck to put into savings
can have substantial consequences
for the short-term and longterm health of a marriage.
Jeffrey Dew
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Sexual Addiction One study
suggests that sexual addiction is a
reflection of sexual narcissism
(12).
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10 Tips to Change
From Reactive to
Proactive in
Situations
10 Ways to Be Less Reactive in
Difficult Situations
All of us encounter experiences in
life when we may be temporally
overwhelmed by a negative
emotion, be it anger, pressure,
nervousness, despair, or confusion.
In these situations, how we choose
to master the moment can make
the difference between proactive
versus reactive, confident versus
insecurity, and success versus
failure.
Below are ten ways to be less
reactive in difficult situations, with
excerpts from my book How to Let
Go of Negative Thoughts and
Emotions(link is external). What all
of these tips have in common is that
they introduce a positive
interruption to a negative mental or
emotional state. These mindful
interjections, however brief or long,
provide a psychological opening
from which you can recalibrate and
choose more empowering action.
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cup in your hand can elevate your
mood as well. Avoid caffeinated
beverages which can stimulate your
nervousness (4)(5).
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before he became the president of
the United States.
Wall Street Journal
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When Partners
Cheat: Who
Deserves Second
Chances?
Is forgiveness always the right thing
to do?
Let me begin with a disclaimer:
What you are about to read is not
an analysis or diagnosis of any
specific celebrity couple's marital
problems. Nor advice about how
they should deal with them. But with
all the recent publicity about Tiger
Woods and his allegedly sixteen
affairs, and now actress Sandra
Bullock's reported multiple betrayal
by her husband, Jesse James, the
question many are asking is
whether a cheating spouse
deserves a second chance? When
it comes to giving the straying
offender a second (or third or
fourth) pardon, where does one
draw the line?
The biggest problem with cheating
on a spouse or significant other is
not necessarily the sexual liaison
itself, but rather the betrayal of trust
it causes. This painful rupture of
trust in many cases proves too
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partner. Trust is the glue that holds
a relationship together. Love alone
is not enough. Commitment is all
about trust: making a promise, a
pledge, a choice to say yes to this
person and no to any others, and
then consistently keeping that
promise. Once that pledge to
commitment is broken, all bets are
off. The fragile and sacred container
or frame of the relationship has
been violated. Trust has been
broken. And broken trust is one of
the most difficult dynamics to
restore in relationships. Without
trust, intimacy suffers. When
emotional intimacy dries up, so
does sexual intimacy. Defensive
walls go up. Communication breaks
down. Distance replaces closeness.
Resentment festers. Hostility kills
kindness and caring. The
atmosphere turns toxic. And
relationships slowly disintegrate
and die.
Is it true that having an affair can be
symptomatic of pre-existing
relationship problems? Absolutely.
Lack of or poor communication,
loss of intimacy, hurt feelings,
festering resentment
or embitterment frequently lead to
acting out in the form of cheating
behavior. In this sense, an affair can
be a wake up call to both parties
that they have neglected to
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systematically addressed and
resolved. Communication skills
must be evaluated, improved, and
regularly practiced between the
couple with a therapist's assistance.
And, perhaps the hardest part, trust
must be rebuilt. Trust cannot--and
should not-- just be freely given
again. Not after what happened.
Trust now has become a privilege,
not a right. Trust must be earned,
gradually re-established by
offenders consistently following
through faithfully on whatever they
say they are going to do--or not do.
There is no real wiggle room here.
Zero-tolerance. It should be the
injured or betrayed party that
dictates what will be required for
him or her to ever fully trust the
offender again. And whatever they
say it will take, within reason, is
what the offender must be willing to
commit to providing unconditionally.
And deliver, consistently,
willingly and unequivocally.
Ultimately, the victimized or
offended party will have to reach a
point (frequently requiring individual
therapy in addition to couples
counseling) where they can get
past their hurt, humiliation and
anger to a place of forgiveness and
compassion. And find the courage
to trust again. We all make
mistakes. Humans are imperfect
beings. But we can also learn from
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treatment or rehabilitation. After all,
that is part of what true commitment
is all about: In sickness and in
health. Till death do us part. But the
key is that commitment is a two way
street. Both parties must be equally
committed to the relationship and to
monogamy, if that is what is
promised and expected.
Commitment is an existential
choice. A choice one reaffirms each
and every day. One chooses not to
cheat not necessarily because one
doesn't desire to. But because one
chooses to honor one's
commitment and because one
cares about and values the
relationship with the partner so
highly that taking the risk of
threatening, damaging or losing that
relationship and deeply wounding
the partner is completely
unacceptable.
Are there fundamental differences
between women's infidelities and
men's? Yes and no. Both are
betrayals. And both damage
whatever level of trust had been
built up to that point in the
relationship. But sex for women has
different psychological and
biological significance than sex for
men. Generally, men tend to be
more able to dissociate their
emotions from casual sexual
behavior with other women,
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they want, and grandiosely believe
they are smart enough to get away
with cheating without having to pay
the consequences. There can be a
profound lack of caring and
consideration for the partner's
feelings, needs and personal
perspective. And the constant
craving for "narcissistic supplies"-excessive admiration, love, sexual
variety--keeps the severely
narcissistic offender always
searching for his or her next "fix."
But, as with any addictive behavior,
that next narcissistic fix is never
enough. Narcissists tend to be
repeat offenders. Clearly, such
selfish and immature individuals are
not good candidates for committed,
monogamous relationship. Not
without intensive individual
treatment.
Finally, what is the responsibility of
the so-called "victims" in this
excruciating scenario? The most
difficult thing to do
in psychotherapy and in life is to
look at ourselves and consider our
own complicity in contributing to our
troubles. Betrayal of trust in a
committed relationship can be
considered an evil deed. Not
necessarily violent, but destructive
and hurtful, no doubt. Yet, we
cannot ignore the fact that Sandra
Bullock, Elan Woods and so many
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responsible for their evil deeds. But
we all have blind spots, complexes,
especially when it comes
to romantic love and choosing a
partner. What do these choices say
about us psychologically? About
who we really are, and about how
we really feel about ourselves?
About the willingness to turn a blind
eye to a partner's past and present
inappropriate behavior, and
decision to suffer remaining in a
relationship in which the
commitment to monogamy and
exclusivity is disrespected and
repeatedly violated? Are we not
worthy of love, respect and
commitment? Must one always
settle for crumbs? How much are
we really willing to put up with and
forgive just so that we can avoid
being alone? Feeling abandoned?
Getting back in the dreaded "dating
game"? Or keep the family together
for the sake of finances or the
children? These are the tough
questions so-called victims of
infidelity (men and women) must be
willing to honestly ask themselves
before they finally decide whether
or not to give serial (or even firsttime) cheaters yet another
opportunity to re-victimize them.
While compassion is spiritually
commendable, forgiveness is not
always the answer, reconciliation
not always the right solution.
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8 Signs You're in a
Relationship with a
Sexual Narcissist
8 Signs Your Partner May Be a
Sexual Narcissist
Sexual narcissism can be defined
as a grandiose sense of ones
sexual prowess which, in the mind
of the sexual narcissist, entitles him
or her to engage in acts of
emotional and physical
manipulation at the partners
expense. Significantly, sexual
narcissism is marked by a lack of
true intimacy in the relationship
the partner is merely exploited to
fulfill the narcissists selfish needs
(1)(2)(3).
How do you know when your
partner may be a sexual narcissist?
The following are some telltale
signs. While many people may
occasionally be guilty of some of
the following behaviors, a
pathological sexual narcissist tends
to dwell habitually in several of the
following traits, while remaining
largely unaware of (or unconcerned
with) how her or his actions affects
their partner.
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is incidental. You exist merely to
gratify the narcissists self-serving
desires.
Anonymous
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narcissist may begin to demand
that you cater primarily to his or her
own selfish needs. He may expect
you to be on call and serve his
sexual desires at his pleasure,
require you to engage in sexual
acts which only he enjoys, or
demand that you limit your other
activities to be more available.
Rather than being an individual with
your own thoughts, feelings and
priorities, the sexual narcissist
expects you to exist merely as an
extension of his or her desires. Your
own needs are dismissed or
ignored.
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petulant child or a bully, hopes the
drama and manipulation will hook
you back in, so youll once again
belong to him or her.
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Are You a
Narcissist? 6 Sure
Signs of
Narcissism
"I know best and am the best"
replaces compassionate listening
with narcissism.
Folks who are fun, good at things,
and appear in public to be
compassionate and generous often
make desirable friends and life
partners. They can be very
enjoyable to hang out with, even if
they seem a bit self-preoccupied,
as if they are always taking mental
selfies. Then can come the rub.
Are they also good partners when
it comes to talking through
differences of opinion in work
and/or home situations? Or is there
something narcissistic about how
they communicate in a
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At the same time, in a situation in
which someone who tends toward
narcissism wants something, and
that desire is in conflict with what
someone else wants, that's when
the selfish side takes over.
Often too, the tendency toward
compassionate generosity gets
directed toward strangers. The
people closest to a narcissist
receive far less compassion and far
more dismissive listening.
THE QUIZ
Expanding on this core definition of
narcissistic functioing as a difficulty
in listening, heres six signs for
sizing up narcissism. Score each
dimension from 0 to 10. Zero is not
at all. Ten is all the time.
First assess yourself. Then circle
back to score someone in your life
who is difficult to deal with.
The goal: See your and others'
patterns clearly. Clarity is a strong
first step toward being able to make
changes for the better.
Sign #1: Unilateral listening.
What I want and what I have to say
are all that matters when we talk
together. When we make decisions
what you want, your concerns, your
feelings..these are mere whispers,
inconveniences and irrelevancies.
So when we discuss issues, my
opinions are right. Yours are wrong
or else of minimal importance. If
you expect to have input, you are
undermining me.
Narcissistic listening often
dismisses, negates, ignores,
minimizes, denigrates or otherwise
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on my taxes, and ignore rules that
get in the way of my doing what I
want.. Rules are for other people to
follow.
Narcissists suffer from what I
call Tall Man Syndrome. They
experience themselves as above
others, so the rules don't apply to
them.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Sign #4: Your concerns are
really criticisms of me, and I hate
being criticized.
If you insist on my listening and
taking your concerns seriously Im
likely to get mad. Criticism hurts. I
can criticize others, and often do,
but if you criticize me youre hurting
my feelings so Ill hurt you back.
And if you say you are at all
unhappy, that's a way of indirectly
criticizing me. Since "it's all about
me" your feelings must be about
what I have been doing.
Narcissists paradoxically manifest
both an inflated idea of their own
importance and quickness to feel
deflated by negative feedback.
In addition, because they think
everything is about them, they hear
others attempts to talk about
personal feelings as veiled
criticisms of themselves.
The clinical term for taking others'
concerns as personal criticism
is personalizing. E.g., If she says
"I'm feeling lonely," her narcissistic
friend will hear the self-statement
as an acusation, "You don't spend
enough time with me."
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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frustrated by what you are doing.
My anger is your fault. I'm only
made because you ... "
Some narcissists show
major charm and social agility. At
the same time, these seemintly
super-confident folks also can be
quick to anger. When they do
become inflamed, they then
immediately blame their anger on
others.
What are typical anger triggers for
people with narcissistic
tendencies?
Critical comments will do it. As I
said above, as much as narcissisitc
folks see themselves as special,
they also can be remarkably thinskinned. Any feedback that
punctures their belief in total
specialness can feel quite
threatening. The immediate
response will be to issue blame.
Telling anyone what to do, or
sounding even somewhat like you
are telling them what to do, also is
likely to provoke irritation. Pretty
much everyone prefers autonomy
(unless the two people have an
agreed-upon boss-worker or similar
relationship). Narcissists however
tend to be hyper-sensitive about
feeling controlled. Any request
therefore to a narcissist is at risk for
sounding to them like a demand
and therefore triggering irritation.
Asking someone who is narcissistic
to do something your way rather
than theirs is particularly likely to
sound to them like you are telling
them what to do. Their anger in
response, of course, is your fault.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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highest odds of leading to mutual
understandings instead of the
narcissism trap.
The bottom line? For a happier life
and more gratifing relationships,
(link is external) especially if your
scores indicated some narcissistic
tendencies, tame these trends
with better skills. Narcissism is not
like height or eye color. It's a
behavior problem. Upgrading your
listening and shared-decisionmaking skills can make a huge
difference!
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Keepers have fifteen consistent
identifying traits. You may already
possess some of them. As you read
through the list, think of people you
have consistently treasured and felt
valued by in return. Also note if
these behaviors characterize them.
At the end of the category
descriptions, you and your partner
can take the short quiz to see
where you stand on each of these
traits. It is only for information, and
not meant as a way of finding fault.
You may also think of other traits
that have been important markers
in the successful relationships
you've had or observed and could
add them to the list.
Trait One - Keepers are selfaccountable
Keepers understand
how love works are not afraid to
question themselves. They clearly
put knowledge ahead of egopreservation, and seek ways to help
their relationships stay successful.
They ask themselves what they
could do to change them for the
better. They are not out to win at
their partner's expense.
Alongside of their willingness to
admit wrongs and to choose
compromise whenever possible,
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Keeper: "I do this to a lot of people,
and I'm sure you're not alone. I will
do everything I can to make this
better, babe. I'm glad you cared
enough to challenge me."
Trait Two - Keepers can hold on
to their own personal rhythms
under stress
Keepers can blend into the rhythm
of their partners when they want to
because they honor and respect
their differences in timing and
urgency level. They do not allow
themselves to be pulled into
emotional cascades when it doesn't
work for them or the relationship.
Whether making love, spring
cleaning, or planting a garden,
people thrive in individual ways.
Those who respect and know their
own rhythms want what's best for
themselves and their partners. They
are reasonably flexible and can
slow down or speed up if their
partner needs them to, but
ultimately know that they are the
final say on how they respond.
Example:
She: (coming in the door from work)
"Hi, honey. Where's the mail? Did
your sister reply to our dinner
invitation? Did you remember to
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meaningful by using their own
resources. They know that staying
bored will probably make them
boring as well, and they don't want
others to have to endure that. Their
goal is to find meaning or joy in
whatever they are doing.
They're the first to admit that they
don't respond as well to people who
aren't willing to change their
situation. They eagerly look for any
way to make connections more
positive and don't give up easily. If,
eventually, there is nothing more
they can do, they won't patronize
another person by pretending that
they are interested when they no
longer are.
Example:
Keeper: "I've been asking you a lot
of questions and you seem quiet. I
hope I'm not being inappropriate."
She: "That's sweet of you to ask.
I'm not much of a talker."
Keeper: "I'm interested in knowing
you better. Tell me something about
yourself you'd like me to know."
She: (shrugs) "Well, I'm a pretty
ordinary person. Not much that's
that interesting." (Silence.)
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Laughter is one of the best
antidotes for anxiety,
sorrow, loneliness, or frustration.
People who find the humor in life
are more resilient to
disappointments. They don't laugh
inappropriately or use humor to
mock, but they do maintain
perspective that keeps them aware.
Keepers don't use laughter to cover
when they're feeling uncomfortable.
They have learned the value of
timing and a compassionate heart,
and can process sorrow and joy
with the same gentle appreciation
for life. They readily enjoy others
who can make them laugh, and
help them hold on to their sense of
perspective when times are hard.
They have a keen sense of
perspective, and don't use humor to
lighten up situations that need to
stay serious.
Example:
He: "Man, people are sometimes so
stupid. Every time I tried to tell my
boss what we needed to do to save
the deal, I get undermined. He's
just like my old boss. I know he'll
pretend he didn't hear me and then
steal the idea. What the hell am I
supposed to do, just shut up and
get used again? If this job didn't
pay so well, I'd be out of there.
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seem to have internal advocates
who catch them when they fall and
support them when their confidence
is low, and want to do that for others
whenever they can.
They use challenges as
opportunities to know themselves
better, and to learn more about their
partner's fears and insecurities.
They feel grateful that they can find
their footing more easily than
others, but they don't give up
continuously learning how to do it
better.
They don't overly react when their
partners are unstable. They can be
caring but won't take more
challenge than they feel they
deserve.
Example:
She: (angry and blaming; on
output) "It's been three weeks since
you've even looked at me. You take
care of everyone else in the world
but I'm your lowest priority. I wait
and wait so I won't bug you and
seem needy, but I'm getting really
tired of feeling so damned
unimportant. Can't you see how
much I'm hurting?"
Keeper: "Hey, what's going on?
Where is this all coming from? We
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She: (Feeling hopeful) "Just
listening to me really makes a
difference, especially when you are
so honest. It would really help if we
could plan some longer time
together soon."
Keeper: "Let's do it."
Trait Six - Keepers do not
allow guilt to influence their
decisions
When people feel embarrassed,
shameful, or guilty, they feel like
they haven't measured up. Small
children learn from their caretakers
when they are being good or bad.
Even though those criteria may be
arbitrary, they are absorbed and
form the basis for guilt in adulthood.
Only through
greater understanding do adults
realize that guilt was used to control
their choices when they were
young, and begin to set their own
standards for personal integrity.
Keepers do not control others by
using guilt tactics, nor do they
succumb to obligatory obedience if
others use guilt to control them.
Their views of themself mostly
depend on their own integrity, not
upon what others expect of them.
They care about making others
happy, but do not act from fear of
loss when they cannot.
Example:
He: "You can't seem to get this
straight. I told you for the fiftieth
time that you can't open your mouth
in front of my friends if you don't
have anything worthwhile to say.
Your dad says the same thing
about you when you were a kid.
You always were out of line and
continuously said things that made
people uncomfortable. You should
be able to keep that under control
by now. What do I have to do, send
you to your room?"
Keeper: (checking inward first to
make sure she was okay) "You're
talking to me now as if I was that
child and trying to use guilt to get
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me to do what you want. I'm okay
with who I am. No one at that table
seemed uncomfortable but you, so
maybe it's your own stuff. Bringing
in my dad's childhood stories is
hitting below the belt. I don't
appreciate it."
He: "Okay, okay. Maybe I'm being a
little hard on you. I'm really being
critical and I shouldn't be. Maybe it
is about me. You're so damn
comfortable telling complete
strangers everything about your life,
and I'm really uneasy if it includes
me. I probably wouldn't be
comfortable even when it doesn't
have anything to do with me. We
never talked about this kind of stuff
when I was a kid."
Keeper: "I don't want you to feel
guilty for being mad. You have
every right to want what you want
just as I do. Let's really talk this
over and plan ahead better. I like
being open and I don't really care
what other people think. I'm
sensitive to how people are
responding, honey. I don't want to
embarrass you."
Trait Seven - Keepers store the
"good times"
Life can be hard at times for
everyone, and tragedies can erode
a person's capacity to
endure grief without resentment or
bitterness. Keepers like knowing
they can fall back on
great memories in order survive
and thrive when times are hard.
They realize that remembering
those experiences in the midst of
trauma can be hard and that
practice makes it easier.
When life is less stressful, Keepers
look for and store the good times so
they can draw upon them later.
They make a point to treasure the
simplest things and to turn every
possible situation into one of joy,
mischief, or adventure. They are not
irreverent about sorrow or tragedy,
but balance difficult moments with
joyous recollections.
Example:
She: "This has been a horrible
month. Nothing has turned out right
and I can't see anything in the
future that can make up for it. I'm
so incredibly depressed. We
desperately need a break, some
kind of silver lining in this mess."
Keeper: "I agree completely, but we
have to remember that it hasn't
always been this way. We have lots
of reasons to believe that they'll get
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better and we've got to keep those
in mind when things are tough."
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ago and reap the rewards of total
devotion. The second is to say that
you don't see any difference, and
risk that I will go into a deep pout
for the next several days and forget
your birthday."
Keeper: "I don't like the odds. Way
too risky. First of all, I love you with
your belly relatively round. Yes, it is
not particularly sexy to look like
Buddha, but you're my Budha.
Second, you've only lost five
pounds and it is noticeable but
probably not neon-lighted yet. That
doesn't mean I'm not proud of you
for your commitment and effort. It's
great. Are there new muscles?
Yeah, I can definitely see them as
they work their way to the surface.
Now you have two choices: the first
is to be hurt by what I've said. The
second is to tell me how much you
value my total honesty so that when
you start to look really good, you'll
know it's true."
He: (smiling) "You are merciless,
but that's why I trust you. I wouldn't
have it any other way. You've
always been in my corner, honey.
I'm not quitting"
Trait Nine - Keepers understand
and accept their value in the
marketplace
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Keeper: "I'm really impressed by
your perseverance. I could not
handle that much rejection and
come back. What are the criteria for
getting into that group?"
She: (thoughtful). "You know, I'm
not really sure I've thought about it.
I know they like people who have
great careers, and I do. They also
seem to favor people who make a
lot of money, which I don't. I think a
bunch of them have been together
since college, but not all of them, so
that doesn't apply. They do play a
lot of tennis, which I'm not great at."
Keeper: "Sounds like having a lot of
money is important to them. Do
they travel a lot?"
She: "You now, I think you're right. I
love taking care of the kids I do, but
I'm not free to just get up and go
whenever they can."
Keeper: "Do you wish you could?"
She: "Not if I had to give up what I
love to do. You're really helping me,
Gus. I never equated my real
values with how they live their lives.
I think I'm trying to get into the
wrong group."
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He: "I just got off the phone with my
girlfriend, and she says she needs
a break. I acted okay at the time
and told her to do whatever she
needed, but I think I need a drink or
something. I know you're working
on an important deal for work
tomorrow, but I wondered if we
could hang out for a while."
Keeper: "Hey, I've been there.
You're not the kind of guy who
easily asks for help. My work can
get done later. I'll meet you at your
apartment in half an hour."
He: "You're sure it's not going to
mess you up?"
Keeper: "No problem. You're more
important to me. I'm good."
Trait Eleven - Keepers avoid
useless energy drains
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Keeper: "I'm really sorry,
sweetheart. I've seen you do this
before. You want to make too many
people happy, but, since you've
already committed, why not let go
of it. Worrying won't make it better.
You're praying to the God of Mercy
and you really haven't done
anything wrong except try too hard
to do everything for everybody."
She: "I know you're right. I just
need to get things in better priority. I
always forget that I can only do
what's in front of me. You try to tell
me to not try to second guess
people or borrow trouble, and I
really want to be more like that."
Keeper: "Do you want some help?
We can sort this thing out together
and I can take over some of the
other stuff."
She: (smiling) "I need to carry you
around in my head before I get
myself in trouble."
Trait Twelve - Keepers Know how
to Self-Soothe
Like anyone else, Keepers get hurt,
frustrated, and upset, but, when
times get tough, their first response
is to relax and self-soothe. They
know that if they're agitated, they'll
just make more errors. To keep
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aggravated because I distort input
and react to all the wrong things.
Remember when I was so angry all
the time after people disappointed
me? It wasn't good for me, or for
us. Just give me a little while and I'll
be able to handle all this better."
He: "I appreciate you. Can I take
the kids out for a while so you can
do it without the chaos?"
Keeper: "That would be a great
help. I need to do some re-planning
so these damned situations don't
get me going like this. You're so
great to care this much."
Trait Thirteen - Keepers seek
continuous transformation
Keepers are committed to learning
from the past and projecting the
future more effectively. To do that,
they willingly seek constant new
ways of seeing their lives unfold.
Their own search for more effective
ways of living is wonderfully
contagious. They are most alive
when seeking treasures, solving
puzzles, or attaining important goal.
They learn from their mistakes and
believe in their dreams.
Most people will choose security
and predictability over challenge or
change. Keepers successfully blend
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friends. I'll never be able to predict
you but life is so much more
interesting when you're around."
Trait Fourteen - Keepers take
good care of themselves
Keepers do everything they can to
stay mentally, physically and
spiritually healthy. They not only
feel better, but can better face
whatever comes their way. They
hang out with people who
regenerate them, keep their minds
active, and are deeply in love with
the spiritual values that sustain
them through traumas. These are
the partners you never have to
remind to care for themselves. They
don't put that pressure on the
people they love.
These Keepers don't press their
views on others, but stand as
models for the people they
treasure. You can easily recognize
them by the quickness to their step,
their ready smiles, the twinkle in
their eyes, and their sense of
personal serenity. They are in
touch, in every way.
Example:
He: "You know, honey, I've always
teased you about your
commitments to working out and
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He: "Now you're getting serious. Do
I have to meditate, too?"
Example:
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past. I know what a wonderful
person you are. Do you believe
me?"
Never = 1
Occasionally = 3
Not often = 2
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Do you remember to keep a cache
of meaningful experiences?___
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If anyone you know calls you a
Keeper, consider yourself one of
the chosen people. It is the most