Académique Documents
Professionnel Documents
Culture Documents
Leviticus is one of the books in the bible from the time of Moses. It is the
commandments from God given to Moses to give to his people. Much of the book
of Leviticus is concerned with what is “clean” or “unclean” (with some very long
lists of the latter), and some very detailed descriptions of how priests should bake
cakes for offering to God. It describes how to treat your neighbours, how to deal
with general hygiene, skin diseases, food preparation, etc. From the modern
perspective, they appear cruel to people with skin problems, because they didn’t
have the medical skill to treat them. The best method they had to deal with any
diseased person (or ‘leper’) was to exclude them from contact with others, and so
they were shunned from normal society. (Note: The disease we know in the 21st
century as leprosy is quite different from the skin diseases grouped together under
the same label in biblical times.)
Weaved within this practical guide to living are contained the laws which Moses
expected his followers to obey, which are defined along with their punishments,
much of which revolves around giving food to the priests and setting light to
pigeons.
The punishments were probably practical to a society built around the ownership
of herds of cows, sheep and goats. Rather than paying for any sin in money, you
would pay for your sins with a bag of flour, a flambéed pigeon, or a nice sheep. For
the most serious crimes you would suffer banishment from the town, or for the
extreme and totally unforgivable sins such as murder, or adultery you paid with
the loss of your life (stoning was popular method back then).
These laws are of their time, and when extracted out of the book and applied to
our society they seem at times outrageous, and often very funny. The grid below
lists most of the perceived sins and their punishments. The sins that are noticeable
by their absence can be surprising to a modern audience. For example,
threesomes are acceptable, as long as there is one man and two women and the
two women are not mother and daughter, owning a slave was perfectly fine -
provided they did not have to travel too far (for some reason slaves must come
from neighbouring nations – so for us in the UK a French slave is preferable to, say,
a Hungarian one) (Lev 25:44) and of course fornication was not a crime – as long
as a man didn’t have sex with an animal, another man, or another man’s wife.
What was the point of having slave girls, or prostitutes after all? These are fair
game.
As the society grew and changed from a nomadic life into a city based life, there
must have been problems for people who didn’t work in the agricultural sector and
who didn’t have any livestock to give to the priests. I can imagine that just outside
the temple, pigeon salesmen would have done a roaring trade. I can also imagine
that the priests in Jerusalem would have had more food offered than they could
have eaten, and it would have been tempting to sell an offered pigeon back to the
next sinner who found himself pigeonless. There is evidence that you could buy
pigeon tokens to make this whole process easier. Perhaps it was this trade, buying
and selling pigeons (or tokens) that got Jesus so hot under the collar the day he
went round tipping tables over in the temple in Jerusalem?
The book tells you much about life in Palestine at the time of Moses, when slavery
was a normal practice, and when women were considered as only a little above the
animals on the list of possessions that a man might own, and disease was a
punishment from God.
Crime Punishment
If you hear a lie told in public, and you Set fire to a pigeon, and give a second pigeon to a priest
do not contradict the liar and testify to (OR, if you can afford it, give the priest a nice healthy female
the truth sheep or goat. On the other hand, if you are really poor, give the
priest a big bag of flour instead).
If you accidentally touch an “unclean” Burn a pigeon, and give a second pigeon to a priest for him to
thing such as the flesh of an unclean cook and eat (assuming you are in the middle income bracket. F
animal (say, a slice of Wiltshire ham, brevity, every time this grid refers to burning a pigeon, you will
or a dead wasp) need to remember that the punishment could vary depending
upon wealth).
[A full list of clean and unclean
animals is shown below.]
If you accidentally touch anything Ignite and char a pigeon, and give a second pigeon to a priest fo
“unclean” from a human – such as his supper
urine, faeces, pus, semen or any
menstrual blood
If you swear an oath (whether for Yes, I’m afraid its pigeons again. The universal answer to most
good or ill) – such as “I am going to wrong-doings. If you swear at someone you need to set light to
rip your fucking arm off if you do that pigeon, and give a second pigeon to a priest
again”
If you swear at your Mother or Father You are to be stoned to death. No amount of pigeons can get
round this one I’m afraid. Saying “Bloody hell, Dad, I was watch
that!” would see you marched off to the middle of town for a bit o
communal justice. It seems a bit harsh to us, but they were reall
really, really keen on parental respect.
If an unclean animal is found in a Clean the bowl if it’s made of wood. If it’s made of pottery, break
bowl into pieces. There must have been a strong preference for
wooden bowls, one imagines, with their trendy ‘wipe-clean’
surfaces.
If a man has sex with a woman. Both must have a bath. They will both be technically “unclean”
until the next day.
If a man has a wet dream, or Have a bath. He will be technically “unclean” until the next day
masturbates
Crime Punishment
If a woman has a wet dream, or Not mentioned. Either they had a relaxed attitude to female
masturbates masturbation, or (more likely) the concept never occurred to the
If a woman menstruates She will be unclean for seven days, as will anything or anyone
who touches her. On the eighth day after the bleeding has
stopped she needs to set light to a pigeon, and give a second
pigeon to a priest. That’s right, you read that correctly. Every
woman, every four weeks has to set light to a pigeon. The price
pigeons in the crowded streets of Jerusalem must have been sk
high! (pun intended).
Giving birth to a boy Birth is obviously a filthy and unclean business. A woman is
unclean for seven days after giving birth to a boy, and then for th
next thirty three days cannot touch anything holy or sanctified.
After that she needs to set light to a pigeon, and give a second
pigeon to a priest.
Giving birth to a girl Giving birth to a girl is exactly twice as dirty as giving birth to a
boy. A woman is unclean for fourteen days after giving birth to a
girl, and then for the next sixty six days cannot touch anything
holy or sanctified. After that she needs to set light to a pigeon, a
give a second pigeon to a priest.
Having a skin disease, an itch or a The priest will check you out and examine all visible signs of an
spot. disease, and lock you away for a week, to see if its serious or no
If it isn’t serious, you simply shave all the hair off your body
(including eyebrows), have a good wash, cover your body in oil
and then get back to normal.
If a garment has fungus or rot that can’t be got rid of then the
garment is destroyed (you might get away with cutting out the
infected part and destroying that).
First of all, lets establish who you cannot be naked in front of;
• Father
• Mother
• Father’s other wives
• Sisters and half-sisters
• Grand-daughters
• Most of your aunts, (with one specific exception – see
below)
• Daughter in law
• Brother’s wife
• Any woman and daughter combo (or grand-daughter) - a
the same time. Separately, that’s OK.
• Any woman having her period
Crime Punishment
If you are naked in front of one of your sisters (or half sisters) th
the punishment is banishment for both of you. But there is no
problem if she is naked in front of you. To be on the safe side,
keep your Y-fronts on when walking round the house.
Of course, if you were both just interested in sex, and not too
bothered about having any more kids, this punishment might no
put you off!
You may have noticed that, surely, some people must have don
this and then gotten pregnant. How is this explained? Well, if the
offending couple end up having kids, then either they were
innocent in the first place, or God has forgiven them. Which is
convenient, isn’t it?
A priest MUST marry a virgin. He is A good nice innocent request. Notice it doesn’t say that the Prie
forbidden to marry a prostitute or a must be a virgin? He can have been banging his slave girls as
divorcee often as he liked. It’s just his bride that must be innocent.
Anyone else should avoid marrying a Well, you don’t know where she’s been, do you?
prostitute, or a woman that has been
divorced, or a woman who is not a
virgin.
If a priests daughter should become a She is to be burned to death. Definitely not a good thing. The
prostitute priest doesn’t seem to take any blame for this, though, just the
daughter.
Kissing, fondling and petting. Doesn’t seem to be a problem. Never mentioned anywhere as a
problem. As long as you don’t have sex, you can do this to
anyone.
Giving or receiving oral sex. Again, this doesn’t seem to be a problem. It either never occurre
to anyone that this might be a possibility, OR it was considered
be normal and natural behaviour for people to indulge in.
According to this view, Clinton never broke any laws of the bible
when he was with Monica Lewinski!
If someone dies, then don’t ‘defile’ Moses didn’t like over enthusiastic displays of affection, did he?
yourself (cut your beard, make marks
on your skin, or shave the hair on
your head) UNLESS they are close to
you (brother, mother, sister (if a
virgin), etc)
Crime Punishment
Priests. Don’t defile yourself, even the Not specified
person who died was very close to
you.
Being a disabled people, or anyone They cannot approach the altar of the Lord, even to make an
who wears glasses, or anyone who is offering to God.
not a perfect human specimen This
specifically includes; “Hey You! Four Eyes – get out of our church, are you just trying
• A blind man wind God up, or what?”
• Or A lame man
• Or one with a mutilated face
• or a limb too long,
• or a man who has an injured
foot
• or an injured hand,
• or a hunchback,
• or a dwarf,
• or a man with a defect in his
sight,
• or an itching disease
• or scabs
• or crushed testicles
• or who has a blemish of any
kind
Murder Put to death. I think you could have guessed this one.
Killing someone else’s beast Try and make it good by giving a life for a life, as close in value
and condition to the original as possible.
GBH Any disfigurement done to a neighbour will be done to the
perpetrator in turn – a fracture for a fracture, an eye or an eye, a
tooth for a tooth.
Oppressing your neighbour Please don’t do this. No punishment actually listed, just a ‘thou
shalt not...’
Cursing the deaf It seems a bit pointless cursing them if they can’t hear you. And
who would know?!? In fact you can lie about it if you want! (See
above) But enough people must have been doing this for Moses
to draft a law against it.
Putting things in front of blind people Moses didn’t like practical jokes, did he? I can only imagine that
so that they fall over this was a common prank that was played on the poor
unfortunates, and after the laughter had died down Moses clear
his throat and asked “What do you think God feels about this?”
and they all shuffled their feet looked down and felt bad about it
But no actual punishment specified. I would guess it wasn’t goo
news for pigeons though.
Commit slander No punishment listed. No-one likes this sort of thing, do they?
Hate your neighbour I like this one. Don’t hate people. It’s not good. Moses doesn’t
quite go as far as Jesus did a few hundred years later when he
said you should Love your Neighbour, but to me it seems that h
was on the same track.
Crime Punishment
Cross breed cows You can take genes from fish and put them into tomatoes, Mose
foresaw no difficulties with GM foods. And you can breed any ty
of goat with any other type of goat, or sheep for that matter. But
not cows. Just specifically cows. You have your Jerseys, your
Aberdeen Anguses, and your Holsteins. And never the twain sh
meet. Lord knows what punishments British dairy and beef
farmers are in for when they get to the pearly gates. What were
they thinking of?
Sow two kinds of seed in the same Moses liked order and things to be neat and tidy. Wheat fields a
field for wheat, oats in oat fields, etc. You can make muesli if you wa
but don’t try and grow a field of muesli!
Wear clothes made from two sorts of My personal favourite. Moses specifically drafted a law forbiddin
cloth people to wear socks made from 65% polyester! How cool is tha
If you put on your cotton undies, then all your clothes must be
100% cotton. Anything else and you probably have to wash
yourself clean, cover yourself in oils and set light to some more
pigeons!
Leviticus contains lists of many things a person should not do, without any specific
punishment. But Chapter 26 ends with a dire warning from God (via Moses) (verse
15 onward), saying that if you don’t obey, God will get increasingly angry.
To start with he will make the people suffer terror, consumption and fever. If that
doesn’t work he will curse the land and make it as hard as brass. If the people
don’t obey after that he will bring down plagues, pestilence and wild beasts to
devastate the people. If that doesn’t work, he will turn everyone into cannibals and
then, guess what comes after cannibalism? It must be something very nasty,
mustn’t it? Well, the penultimate punishment is that ten women will bake bread in
one oven and the bread won’t be very filling. I bought a loaf a bit like that at Asda
the other day, and I think we might have gotten to this bit already. Finally God will
lay waste to the land, kill and scatter all the people, and any remnants will be full
of fear and despair.
Do…
Farmers, leave the edges of the fields un-harvested, and leave any gleanings
of the harvest. Leave these for the poor.
Love your neighbour as yourself. (Its a Jesus one, but I like it)
Honour the face of an old man. Not sure which old man they have in mind, or
why specifically his face.
Keep the Sabbath holy.
Treat any strangers in your community as you would the native among you,
and you shall love him as yourself. (Remember that we were all strangers
when we lived in Egypt)
Make sure all of your weights and measures are accurate
Keep the lamps of the temple burning at all time (and to hell with global
warming)
You may buy male and female slaves from among the nations that are round
about you, or from among the strangers who live with you. And their children
belong to your sons for ever. You shouldn’t have people from your own
nation as slaves.
You must wait for five years after planting a tree before you can eat the fruit.
Do not eat fruit from a tree which has been planted less than three years
(forbidden). The fruit of the fourth year is to be given to the priests.
Whales, dolphins and seals aren’t referenced, but if you aren’t sure, I would
recommend that you don’t eat one.
Imagine the diary of a man who has just joined a Leviticus cult – a group of like-
minded individuals who decide to live their lives following strict biblical law.
Read the cereal box while eating. Hope the farmers that grew them didn’t grow
mixed seeds in the same fields, because that would be an abomination to the Lord
- Nah, probably not a problem because modern Agri-Business prefers mono-
cultures anyway.
Check the date. It’s the 10th of July – ah, so I can’t go to work today, God said so.
Its true! He specifically says that the 10th of July is a bank holiday FOR EVER.
So what should I do instead? I could go down the park and have a kick-about with a
ball, but I now know that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean - Can I
still play football if I wear gloves?
I know, I will pop next door to see Bob. My neighbour Bob is another New
Leviticusian who has been doing this for about a year now. He has two slave girls
in his cellar that he ‘captured’ and has forced into a life of sexual slavery, and I
want to have sex with one of them (the Belgian one, obviously. The girl from
Bulgaria is suspect because it’s not a neighbouring country, but Bob reckons that
anywhere in the EU is fair game). Unfortunately Bob is not there. This is awkward,
because I need his permission. If he gave me permission (for example “its fine, go
ahead and fill your boots”) then this would clear me of any wrong doing. But
because I don’t have permission, I will have to give a sheep to the priest. I struggle
with this for about 3 seconds before submitting to temptation and giving the girl a
right old seeing too (after carefully checking she wasn’t menstruating – wouldn’t
want to displease God would we?). Have a bath afterwards so that I will be clean
tomorrow, and then nip down to the butchers to pick up a whole sheep.
Have a good old chin-wag with my butcher. It turns out he is a New Leviticusuian
too! He will take the sheep to the priests on my behalf. Apparently the priest
prefers the butcher to do it for him, and this is OK, provided that there is enough
blood in the carcass to sprinkle around the altar. This butcher is a good chap, and I
consider selling him my daughter (Exodus 21:7) . But if he has his way with her,
and doesn’t like her, I will have to take her back. Not sure how much I would get
anyway.
Go back home and pass my old friend Thomas’s house. He is a very kind man, and
his wife June is really sweet, but unfortunately she was previously married. She left
her first husband because he used to beat her. I used to feel sorry for her, but now
I can see the error of my ways. She should have obeyed her first husband and
accepted the beatings as her wifely duty. And now because she married to
Thomas, she is an adulterer and a bigamist. I must uphold the word of God today,
so I will get a group of my new friends together and we will stone her to death. I
will probably have to give Thomas a good smiting as well. But hold on – this can’t
be right! It’s a day of rest today. I will do it tomorrow then.
Get back home and make a cup of tea. Check the mirror – looks like I have a spot,
carelessly I wipe it with my hand, and the spot breaks. Bugger!! I have touched the
“unclean” fluids within. And I cursed as well. With a sigh I leave the house and
head for the garden. Using my air gun I shoot four pigeons in the tree. I take them
to the priest. He has been piling the weight on recently, and seems a bit sick of
eating pigeons. Anyhow, he picks the plumpest two to give to his cook to deal with
(he has to eat these, it’s the law) and takes the other two and puts them onto an
open fire on the altar. I am not allowed to go anywhere near the altar because I
wear glasses, and it offends God if I approach His altar. Whoosh! The birds go up in
flames, and soon the acrid burning smell of burning feathers fills the air. The birds
bubble and crackle as they cook, and then begin to smoke as they start to char. It
smells pretty bad to me, but is a pleasing odour to the Lord (apparently). As I leave
the church there is a long queue outside of women who are no longer suffering the
sin of “that time of the month” with dead pigeons in hand, then a really poor
looking guy with his bags of flour, some rich guy behind him with a bullock, two
sheep and a goat. I wonder what he has been up to? And finally Tony, with about
40 pigeons in a cage. It seems that Tony suffers from Turettes syndrome...
Dr Laura letter
There is a radio ‘personality’ in the United States called Laura Schlessinger, who
dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television
Group produce a "Dr. Laura" television show. Not long ago she became a convert
to a strict version of Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah.
She has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian
anti-hate laws to censure her.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the internet.
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and
how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour
for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In
this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of
menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried
asking, but most women take offence.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own
Canadians?
e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev.
11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle
this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in
my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be
20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their
temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they
die?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the
same field. as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of
thread.They both work on Saturdays (the true Sabbath) and he also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a
private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.
20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.