Monday,Aug.

12,2013
NONEISENOUGH
ChildFreeLife
http://timereaders.web.fc2.com/201311.html
TheAmericanbirthrateisatarecordlow.Whathappenswhenhavingitall
meansnothavingchildren?
ByLaurenSandler
Oneeveningwhenshewas14yearsold,LauraScottwas
washingdishesinthekitchenwithhermotherwhenshe
decidedshedidn'twanttohaveachild."Youmightchange
yourmind,"saidhermother,whomScottdescribesas"bone
tired"fromalifeinwhichshe"didn'thaveanytimefor
herself."Scott'smomworkedasasamplemakerforan
upholsterycompany;aftermakingdinnerforScottandher
brother,she'dparktheminfrontofthetelevisionandgo
downtothebasementtospendhereveningcuttingand
sewing.Thatlifewaswhat"doingitall"meanttoScott."Ilearnedyoucould
butdidyouwantto?"shesays.At26,Scottgotmarriedandwaitedforhermind
tochange."IthoughtIwouldbestruckbyabiologicallightningbolt,"she
recalls."Itneverhappened.AndIrealizedIwasgoingtobefine."Asshesays
fromherTampaoffice,wheresheworksasaprofessionalcoach,writerand
documentaryfilmmaker,"MymainmotivenottohavekidswasthatIlovedmy
lifethewayitwas."
Now50,Scottismorethanfine:she'sfulfilled.Andshe'snotalone.Thebirthrate
intheU.S.isthelowestinrecordedAmericanhistory,whichincludesthe
fertilitycrashoftheGreatDepression.From2007to2011,themostrecentyear
forwhichthere'sdata,thefertilityratedeclined9%.A2010PewResearchreport
showedthatchildlessnesshasrisenacrossallracialandethnicgroups,addingup
toabout1in5Americanwomenwhoendtheirchildbearingyearsmaternity
free,comparedwith1in10inthe1970s.Evenbeforetherecessionhit,in2008,
theproportionofwomenages40to44whohadnevergivenbirthhadgrownby
80%,from10%to18%,since1976,whenanewvanguardbegantoquestionthe
reproductiveimperative.Thesestatisticsmaynothavetheheftofchildlessnessin
someEuropeancountrieslikeItaly,wherenearlyonequarterofwomennever
givebirthbuttheriseisbothdramaticand,inthescopeofourhistory,quite
sudden.

Thedecisiontohaveachildornotisaprivateone,butittakesplace,inAmerica
atleast,inaculturethatoftenequateswomanhoodwithmotherhood.The
birthratemayhavefallen,butthebabyproductindustryisatarecordhigh,an
estimated$49billionfor2013.Anynationaldiscussionaboutthestruggleto
reconcilewomanhoodwithmodernitytendstobeginandendwithonesubject:
parenting.EvenSherylSandberg'sLeanIn,abookfocusedonencouraging
women'sprofessionaldevelopment,devotesalargechunkofitstakehome
advicetobalancingworkandfamily,presumingthat,likeitsauthor,ambitious
womenwillhaveboth.It'sgreatthatwe'reinthemidstofaculturalconversation
abouttheindividualchoicesandstructuralbarriersthatshapeourlives.Butif
you'reawomanwho'snotinthemommytrenches,moreoftenthannotyou're
excludedfromthediscussion.
Beingsidelineddoesn'texemptchildlesswomenfrombeingscolded.Ina
DecembercolumnintheNewYorkTimesheadlinedMOREBABIES,PLEASE,
RossDouthatarguedthatthe"retreatfromchildrearingis,atsomelevel,a
symptomoflatemodernexhaustion"anindicatorof"decadence,"revealing
"aspiritthatprivilegesthepresentoverthefuture."TheWeeklyStandard's
JonathanV.LasthasmadethecaseinhiscontroversialbookWhattoExpect
WhenNoOne'sExpectingthattheselfishnessofthechildlessAmericanis
responsiblefornolessthanthepossibledestructionofoureconomicfutureby
reducingthenumberofconsumersandtaxpayers.
Withfertilitytreatmentwidelyavailable,nottomentionadoption,evenclinically
infertilewomenhavemoreoptionsthanevertobecomemothers,whichincreases
thepossibilitythatanywomanwhodoesn'twillbejudgedforherchoice.
"There'smorepressureonwomentobemothers,tofulfillthatobligation,than
I'veeverseen,"saysAmyRichards,authorofOptingIn:HavingaChildWithout
LosingYourself."Inthepastweassumeditwasoutofawoman'scontrol"
whetherornotshehadachild."Nowwethinkit'sherchoice,sowecanblame
her."
Anditischieflyher.Statisticiansmeasureawoman'schildbearingyearsas
spanningfromages15to44abracketthatmightchangeasfertilityprotocols
advancebutthatfornowmeansit'sfareasiertolabelawomanofacertainage
childlessthanaman,whomightbecomeafirsttimefatherat65.Bothculturally
andacademically,"childlessnessdefaultstowomen,inallscholarshipinthe
socialsciences,"saysPamelaSmock,ofthePopulationStudiesCenteratthe

UniversityofMichigan.Thatapplieswhetherawoman'smarriedorsingle,
straightorgay."Lesbianmotherhoodusedtobeanoxymoron,butit'sawhole
differentballgamenow,"saysNancyMezey,authorofNewChoices,New
Families:HowLesbiansDecideAboutMotherhood."Nowthere'sthat
pressureoftheAmericanculturalmindset,thatmotherhoodmandate."
Evenso,womenwhochoosenottobecomemothersarefindingnewpathsof
acceptance.Astheirranksriseandasthecommunityofadultswithoutkids
diversifiesintermsofrace,educationlevelsandpoliticalaffiliationssodo
positiveattitudesaboutbeingabletoleadafulfilling,childlesslife.Alongthe
way,thesewomenareinventinganewfemalearchetype,oneforwhomhavingit
alldoesn'tmeanhavingababy.
WhyDon'tYouHaveKids?
Theburdenofjustificationtendstorestonchildlesswomen.Werarelyask,
"Whydoyouhavekids?"Insteadit's"Whydon'tyou?"OneresponseI'veheard
repeatedindozensofinterviewsis"Ikeepwaitingforthebiologicalclockto
tick."Anothertraitchildlesswomenarticulateincommonisagirlhoodlackof
interestindollsorplayingfamilypretendgameswithfriends.Somecan'tstand
thenoiseofkids.Butmanyofthesewomenhavechosentoworkwithkidsas
teachersorcounselorsmotheringtheworld,sotospeakorhaveclose
relationshipswithfriends'andsiblings'children,sometimeshousingthemfor
vacationsorstartinguptheircollegefunds."Ilovechildren.Ijustdon'tneedto
ownone"isacommonrefrain.
Thedesignationforwomenwhofeelatayoungagethattheyaren'tmother
materialandthenabidebythatselfknowledgeisearlyadopters.Ifthereisa
biologicalexplanationforthisimpulse,orlackofone,ithasyettobediscovered.
Somestudiesofmaternalinstincthaveshownthatitclicksinonceawoman
givesbirth,butwhetherournatureleadsustoconceiveisanothermatterentirely.
Oneresearcherhascontroversiallysuggestedthatchildlesswomenarejust
smarter.AttheLondonSchoolofEconomics,SatoshiKanazawahasbegunto
presentscholarshipassertingthatthemoreintelligentwomenare,thelesslikely
theyaretobecomemothers.Manypeersinthefieldhavenotembracedhis
findings:KanazawaanalyzedtheU.K.'sNationalChildDevelopmentStudy,
whichfollowedasetofpeoplefor50years,andfoundthathighintelligence
correlatedwithearlyandlifelongadoptionofchildlessness.Hefoundthat
amonggirlsinthestudy,anincreaseof15IQpointsdecreasedtheoddsoftheir
becomingamotherby25%.Whenheaddedcontrolsforeconomicsand

education,theresultswerethesame:childhoodintelligencepredicted
childlessness.
Ofcourse,higherIQoftenleadstohighereducationandhigheropportunity
costs.It'swomeninthatsubsetwhoaremostoftentheoneswhooptoutof
parenthoodandwhoprefertocallthemselveschildfree."Childlessnessisfor
someonewhowantsachildbutdoesn'thaveone.It'salack.I'mnotlacking
anything,"saysLauraCarroll,authorofTheBabyMatrix.LauraKipnis,a
culturalcriticatNorthwesternUniversity,likewiserejectsdefiningwomen
withoutkidsas"less"asif,shesays,"yourlifeisn'tgoingtobefulfilled
withoutit,likethere'sanaturalabsencethatonceyoufillitwithachild,the
worldmakessense."
Whilehighlyeducatedwhitewomencontinuetoleadthechildlessnumbers,the
2010Pewstudyreportsthatothergroupsarecatchingup.EsmeraldaXochitl
Flores,34,whohaswrittenandperformedastageplayonChicano
childlessness,saysthatinherfamily,motherhoodisnever"seenasanoption.
It'smoreofagiven."FloreswasborninCaliforniatoaMexicanmotheranda
Honduranfather.Herinheritedcultures,shetellsme,mandatethat"familyis
yourpride,yoursuccess."Infact,shenotes,thewholepointoftheriskand
upheavalofimmigrationisfor"thegenerationsthatcontinue."Todeclarethat
motherhoodisnotforyou,asFloreshas,canfeellikecommittingtreason,she
saysatragedytofamilymembersandfriends,someofwhomshesaysshe
doesn'tseeanymore.Flores,despiteheradamantlychildfreeidentity,happily
cohabitswithamanandhis15yearolddaughter.Shesaysthearrangement
worksbecauseofhowheprotectsherchoices;havingadaughterinthehouse
"shouldn'tbeareasonforyoutobeheldbackfromthingsthatmattertoyou,"he
tellsher,likelatenightsatthenonprofitwheresheworksinoperations."Istill
strugglewithitbecauseIdon'twanttobeseenasamom,"Floresadmits.Still,
shesays,itwasavictorytofallinlovewithaLatinomanwhocouldtolerateher
positiononchildlessnessrareeveninacollegecommunitylikePomona,
Calif.
Afrustratedsinglelifeishowthe30%increaseinchildlessblackwomenfrom
1994to2008isexplainedbysomeacademics."Onepotentialtheoryisthat
they'rerefusingtofallintoastereotype"oftheunmarriedblackmother,says
JenniferHickesLundquist,asociologistattheUniversityofMassachusettsat
Amherstwhostudiesraceandgender,addingthatinherextensivestudieson
fertilityandfamilyformation,it'sacommonrefraintohearhighachievingblack

womenmournwhattheysayisadearthofsimilarlyeducatedblackmen.
ButJenaStarkes,aWebdesigner,says,"Thisdoesn'thaveadamnthingtodo
withmelookingfora'goodblackman.'"Starkes,whosharesaManhattan
apartmentwithhermotherandafewcats,saysshecouldn'tgetthroughthe
eHarmonydatingfilteruntilsheliedonherquestionnaireaboutdesiringkids.
Shesaysthesedaysshecan'treallytalktoheroldfriends,whoseprioritieshave
allshiftedtothe"glamorousmartyrdom"ofchildrearing,asshecallsit.
Ironically,Starkesdevelopsmommyecommerceforaliving.Motherhood,she
says,isnowamassiveconsumerbase:fromorganiconesiesandVeggieBootyto
adheavyblogsoneveryaspectofmaternalstriving."Beforetherewasamommy
industry,beforetherewasproducttomove,you'dneverhearhowitwasthe
hardestjobintheworld,"shesays."Ifit'sthehardestjobintheworld,I'mdamn
happyIdon'thavetodoit.You'renotsupposedtosaythat,butit'strue."
Forthosewhodon'tholdthejob,thereareadvantages."Igettodoallsortsof
things:buyanunnecessarybeautifulobject,plantripswithouragingparents,
sleepin,spendadaywithoutspeakingtoasingleperson,sendcarepackagesto
niecesandnephews,enrollinlanguageclasses,gooutfordrinkswithafriendon
thespurofthemoment,"saysahappilypartneredwomannamedJennaJohnson,
aVirginianwholivesinNewYork."Iknowallofthiswouldbepossiblewith
kids,butitwouldcertainlybemorecomplicated.Myplansprofessionally,
daily,longterm,evenjustforvacationarefreefromallthecontingenciesthat
comewithchildren."
GreatExpectations
Fewwomenspendtheirgirlhoodsaspiringtoanunencumberedlife.Daydreams
oftentaketheformofpermanentattachments:monogamouspassionyielding
beatificmotherhood.Yetaswegetolder,wechangealongwithoureconomic,
professional,socialandromanticrealities.PhilipMorgan,directorofthe
CarolinaPopulationCenter,hassaidinnumerousinterviewsovertheyearsthat
noonewantsfewerthantwochildren.He'sreferringtoaraftofsurveysthat
measurewomen'sfertilityintentions,inwhichyoungwomenareaskedsimply
howmanychildrenthey'dliketohave.(It'snotaquestiontypicallyaskedof
youngmen.)Ofcourse,they'renotaskedaboutprofessionalopportunitycostsor
lastingromanticlove.
Butthosefactorscontributetopostponedchildbearing,whichMorgansaysis
"therealstoryoffertilityinthepast20years.Womenputoffmotherhood

becauseofwork,educationorthelackofadesiredpartner,hesays,and
meanwhile"theydeveloplifestylestheyenjoy."AsJoyceAbma,asocial
scientistattheNationalCenterforHealthStatistics,says,"Thedecisiontohave
childrenisnotanonoffswitchbutmorelikeacontinuum."Onewomantoldme
aboutreadingamagazinearticlewhenshewas40on"thefourstagesof
adulthood":college,career,house,kids."Ithought,MyGod,I'mstuckforeverat
No.3,"shesaid.Shewaitedforpanictosetin,butitneverdid.
TheopportunitycostsforanAmericanwomanwhogetsoffthecareertrack
couldaverageashighas$1millioninlostsalary,lostpromotionsandsoon,
economistBryanCaplansays.(Caplan,theauthorofthebookSelfish
ReasonstoHaveMoreChildren,arguesthatsheshouldgoforitanyway.)
Suchconcernsarenothingtodismiss,especiallyinadowneconomy,whether
womenarticulatethatsacrificeornot.ButKathleenGerson,aprofessorof
sociologyatNewYorkUniversitywhoseresearchfocusesonwork,genderand
familylife,sayspostponementisfarmorecomplexthanarsumfacingoff
againstabiologicalclock:"It'swhatgiveswomentimetobuilduptheirlivesand
thinkabouthowtheywanttolive.Othercommitmentstaketheplaceofwhat
motherhoodmighthavemeant."Gersonsayswomenarelivingina"damnedif
youdo,damnedifyoudon't"socialcontextinacountrythatshebelieves
emphasizesselfsufficiencyequallyalongsideadeepcommitmentto
motherhood.Themixbreedsimpossibleconflict.Withoutindependence,we're
failures.Withit,we'reselfish.
Theriseofattachmentparenting,withitsimmersivedemands,andthesheer
economiccostofraisingachildforachildbornin2011,anaverageof
$234,900untilage18,accordingtotheUSDA,and$390,000ifyourhousehold
earnsover$100,000hasmademotherhoodaformidableprospectforsome
women.SociologistJuliaMcQuillenseesaclearrelationshipbetweenthe
messageswehearaboutmotherhoodandanincreasingdesiretooptoutofit."At
aculturallevelthere'stheconstantadvicegiventowomenthatyouneedtoinvest
moreinyourkids,"shesays."Ifwemakemotherhoodunrealistic,whywouldwe
wanttodothatjob?"
LeahClouseunderstandstheampedupdemandsofmodernAmericanparenting
firsthand,asanannyandakids'artteacher."Ittakesallofyou,andIdon'tknow
thatIwanttogiveitall,"the27yearoldsays.SheandherhusbandPaul,who
liveinKnoxville,Tenn.,marriedfouryearsagoandarenotplanningtoraisea
family.Leahcommitshertimetoworkingonherowncreativeprojectsand

startingupabakery;Paul,29,devoteshimselftowritingablogandholdsaday
jobincustomerserviceatacreditcardprocessingcompany.Theyplayagame
eachweekinwhichtheylookattheirscheduleandtrytoimaginehowtheycould
fitachildintoit,withtheirworkandtheirinvolvementintheirchurch."It's
insanealready,"Leahsays."Idon'tfeelwecandowhatwedoandbegreat
parentsandforme,theemphasiswouldbeonbeinggreatparents."
Motherhood'sAmbientRoar
For15yearsatfourdifferentUniversities,DemographerStephanieBohonhas
askedstudentsiftheyintendtohavechildren."Theyallraisetheirhands,"she
says,"andthenIaskwhyandnoonehasananswerforme.That'swhata
socialimperativedoes."Theculturalnoiseaboutmotherhoodhasbecomesucha
constantdinthatmanyofusdon'tevennoticeit.Butaskanywomaninher30s
or40swhohasn'tgivenbirthandshe'lllikelytellyoutheambientroaris
oppressive.Productsfromcleaningsolutionstocarsaretargetedatmothers.
MagazinesregularlyofferfeaturesonthetrialsofparentingTIME'Sown
AREYOUMOMENOUGH?covercontributedtotheviraltideandgenuflect
atgildediconsofcelebritymotherhood,asororityofwhichtheDuchessof
Cambridgeisjustthelatestmember.(Icounted36imagesofHollywoodmothers
andbabiesinarecentissueofLife&Style;tabloidshavemadeastapleoutof
babybumpwatches.)
PatriciaO'Laughlin,atherapistinLosAngeleswhospecializesincounseling
womenwhoareambivalentabouttheirchoice,saystheidentitythatchildless
womendevelopedaslittlegirlsaroundtheexpectationofmotherhoodisthemost
painfulstumblingblock.Eventhedecisiveonesaren'timmune:LeahandPaul
Clousekeepababyboxintheclosetwithapinktutusheonceboughtforan
imaginaryinfantgirlandanarticleonraisingnerdychildrenthathesaysspoketo
him."It'sindulgentofalifeIhavetogrieve,"Leahsays."Ifwedecidedtohave
children,we'dhavetogrievethelifewecurrentlyhave."
Evenifyouareintheminorityofwomenwhodon'tgrowupinternalizingthe
ideathatyouarepredestinedforparenthood,themommydronedoesn'tquiet."I
resentthattheentirecultureofthiscountryisobsessedwithkids,"RachelAgee
toldmethedayafterher40thbirthday."Andsocialmediaisonlyanoutletto
postpicturesofyourchildren.I'vegotnothingtoputonFacebook.At40,that's
hard."(ShehasnotyetboughtthebuzzedaboutFacebookbabyblockerappto
censorprogenypics,butshesaysshe'stempted.)Ageegraduatedfroma
SouthernBiblecollegewhereshewastaughtthattobeagodlywoman,onemust

procreateforthekingdom."IjustknewIcouldn'ttrademyfreedomforit,"she
says.ShemovedtoNashvilleasahopefulperformerandstoppedgoingtochurch
becauseitwasso"oppressivelyfamilycentric."Nearly30%ofmarried
householdsintheNashvillemetropolitanareaarechildless,buteveninthe
secular,artiercornersofMusicCity,Ageewasn'tgreetedbyaculturethat
supportedalifewithoutdependents.Itusedtobethatone'surbanstarterkit
wouldincludealeatherjacket,aguitarandapackofcigarettes.Todaythat'sbeen
tradedoutforLululemonmaternitypants,astrollerandapackofdiapers.
"I'vealwaysfelttherewasaculturalimperativenowthere'sasubcultural
imperative,"saysKateO'Neill.SheandherpartnermovedfromCaliforniato
Nashville;shewenttheretowritesongsthoughshe'snowoneofthecity'stop
entrepreneursandhewenttheretopaint.Despitethehighrateof
childlessness,O'Neillsays,itwashardtofindherwayintoasocialworldwhere
"lately,motherhoodhasbeensoabsorbedintoeverypossibleaesthetic."Iheard
similarobservationsfromwomenIinterviewedinBoston,AustinandSan
Francisco.
EleanoreWells,amarketresearcherinNewYorkCity,saysthateveninhermid
50s,shefindsjudgmentateveryturn."Somanywomentakemychoice
personally,"shesays.Recently,shetoldme,awomanonthesubwayinquiredif
shehadchildrenandthenasked,aghast,"Whoisgoingtotakecareofyouwhen
you'reold?"Wellswantedtoreplythatnursinghomesarefilledwithparents,but
shesaysshejustsmiled,wenthomeandpackedherbagsforanannualtripto
Martha'sVineyardwithfriends."WhenIwasyoungerIfounditmore
exhausting,"shesays."NowIdon'tgiveaswhatanyonethinks.Itgets
easier."
NavigatingtheChoice
LauraScottrunsthechildlessbychoicedocumentaryproject,whichgathers
storiesofpeoplewhooptoutofparenthood."Tomakethischoice,youreally
havetobeabletomanageandnavigateallassumptionsthataregoingtobemade
aboutyou,"shesays."Youhavetobeabletochallengethestatusquo."
"It'stoughestinyourlate30sandearly40s,"GoingSoloauthorEric
Klinenbergsays.That'swhensocialisolationtendstopeakamongpeople
withoutkids."Whatpeoplereporteverywhereisthisexperienceofwatching
friendsjustpeeloffintotheirsmalldomesticworlds.That'stherealstresspoint,"
hesays,notaginganddyingalone,aspeoplefearandstrangersandfamily

membersaliketendtoadmonishbutthelonelinessbetweenwhenfriendshave
babiesandwhentheybecomeemptynesters.IthashittheClousesearlierthan
Klinenbergsuggests,sincetheirSouthernChristiancircleseemstohavealready
disappearedintoparenthood.Theysaytheirliveshavebecomelonelierand
narroweroverthepastfewyears."Youbuildstrongrelationships,andthenthey
change.It'sgreatforthem,butitsucksforyou,"Clousesays.Buttheyrecently
hadtheirfirst"date"rollerderbywithachildlesscoupleattheirchurch.
Theysayitfeltlikeamassiverelief.
Asthechildlessnumberscreepup,sodoopportunitiestomakeafull,connected
lifewithothernonparents.ThecommunitynetworkingsiteMeetup.comalone
hasabout20,000membersofchildfreegroupsinabout90metropolitanareas
oneforwomeninsuburbanNewJersey,oneforsinglesandcouplesinChicago
andsoon.InasuburbanNashvillemalloneFridayevening,achildfreegroup
gathersaroundalongtableatBuffaloWildWings.Mostofthe24peoplehere
liveindevelopmentsnearby,andnoneofthemhavekids.Recentactivitieshave
includedziplining,canoeingandthemonthlydinnerthefoodiecoupleinthe
grouporganizes."Wecandoanythingwewant,sowhywouldn'twe?"Andrea
Reynoldssays,cueingaroundofclinkingbeerglasses.Theonethingtheydon't
domuchof,herhusbandsays,istalkabout"thenokidsthing"whenthey're
together."It'skindoftheonlyplacewherewedon'thavetoanswerthose
questions,"hesays.
Deeperintothecitythenextnight,ather40thbirthdaycelebration,RachelAgee
announced,"Mywishformyselfat40istobewhoI'vechosentobeandnotto
feellikeIhavetodefendit."Herfriends,nearlyallchildless,applauded.