Building on Greatness

The Courage to Thrive

Foreword by
David Gutierrez

EBOOK EDITION

Copyright 2015 Insight Publishing

Published in the United S tates by:

Insight Publishing Company

707 West M ain Street, Suite 5
Sevierville, TN 37862

800-987-7771
www.insightpublishing.com

License Notes
All rights reserved. No part of this ebook may be reproduced in
any form or by any means without prior written permission from
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article or review. These articles and/or review must state the correct
title and contributing authors of this book by name.
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INTRODUCTION
How did I come to be me? What a stacked question!
To answer that question you must embark on a journey. If
you are willing to face your truth, do the work, and conquer your
demons, you will find infinite answers to that question. You wont,
however, find them all, since each of our paths to self-discovery is
lifelong and ever-evolving.
A crucial step in finding yourself and your purpose is
acknowledging the role that energy plays in your fate. The universe
gives us what we focus onwe co-create our own reality.
In order to overcome, persevere, and grow, we need to extract
lessons from those around us. Listen to and learn from others
words have power.
Even though each path to self-discovery is unique, there are
common threads that link us all. We all struggle and we all
experience triumph. We all endure confusion and we all have
revelations. We have all felt lost but we will all find our way.
We have all felt alone, but none of us are alone. God is in
everything and with us all, all the time.
I have often said, We all bond in our brokenness. It is there
that we find the common denominator, our humanness, or our
connection to everything that lives, giving us hope. This
compilation of stories of self-love, self-acceptance, forgiveness,
and knowing highlights fourteen writers who are inspirational in a

myriad of ways. I asked them to bare their souls so you can see
that you were not alone in your experiences. They teach us about
pain, fear, acceptance, unconditional love, learning from our
mistakes, passion, energy, and breaking the cycle. They teach us
that we can all have the courage to thrive no matter what life
throws our way.
These authors did not express their deepest lessons so that
you would feel sorry for them or idolize them. Their only goal was
for you to open your mind and your heart and allow these stories
to resonate. You will find that these authors have experienced what
you have experienced or are experiencing and give you the courage
they had to not only step into their greatness, but build on it and
thrive!
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Journey #1 The Mystery of Life

Blanca Salvatierra
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For many years before a car accident I had in 2003, I avoided

any religious practice. I decided to focus more on my spiritual
growth based in aboriginal beliefs I had picked up over my lifetime
and indigenous stories. The challenge was that over the years I had
slowly isolated myself, and much of what I did spiritually did not
involve people in my social circles. It did not have any sort of clear
direction or structure, either. M ost of my activities only involved
my children, close family, and a couple of friends. I lived with the
intent that my own actions were to be good and generous, and
always in gratitude to the greater spirit. Then again, I had been
raised as a good Catholic girl and attended an all-girls Catholic
school in a small town in Nicaragua.

During my difficult teenage years, the pressures of growing

up under a repressive social system in Nicaragua, and a chaotic
family life during my formative years had me going crazy. In my
teens, I got myself into a lot of trouble, despite being one of the
top students in my school and a good athlete.
I was unhappy, insecure, and had little self-esteem. I did not
see myself as pretty or attractive. Some people who know me now
are surprised to hear my experience of thinking in that way of
myself. They ask, How? Where do you get that from? You are so
beautiful, self-assured, and intelligent. But, that is the way it was
and thats how I felt about myself in my early teenage years.
M any times I cried deep in my soul; I thought of my life as
unlucky. Even though God seemed to have blessed me with
intelligence. I think that many of these ideas about who I was were
the consequence of growing up in an unhappy family life, coupled
with the state of war and social-economic insecurity in Nicaragua.
Now that I can look back and reflect on my life, I know that
there have been many rooted emotional, social, and financial beliefs
that put a limit to my ability to manifest my desired future. Yet,
now I can also say that switching to a state of bliss and relaxation
was just one breath away.
The Wake-Up Call: Finding My Way in the Fog.
I think that my lifes deepest moment of self-reflection began
following my near-death experience in November 2003, after the
accident I mentioned earlier.
I was driving my navy blue minivan and had stopped at a

corner to make a left turn, two blocks away from my home. M y

eight-year-old son, Pablo, was sitting next to me. It was about 6:00
p.m. and I had just run to our local grocery store to get milk,
yogurt, and some fruit. It was a rainy, wet, afternoon in Vancouver,
like so many others. In an instant, I heard a huge sound, like a
thunderstorm, that shook me and my van. In that same instant, I
opened my eyes and saw a foggy light down the street. I lifted my
head to look up and then I looked in the rear-view mirror for
bloodstains on my face.
In front of my van, I saw a car all crunched up like an
accordion, with smoke coming out from under its hood. The air in
the car was foggy; my eyes itched and hurt and large white
balloons (air bags) were in our faces. M y only thought was getting
Pablo and myself out of the car.
In the moment, I didnt think about the people in the car in
front of me I; I was having difficulty orienting myself and sorting
out what had happened. I was only worried about Pablo.
Are you okay, Pablo? I asked him. Can you get up?
Okay, lets go! Lets go! All I felt was an immense fear and knew I
had to get us get out of that car because it might explode.
I slowly realized that something had hit us from behind and
pushed us into oncoming traffic. The car had taken off; I did not
see whom it was. It was a hit-and-run, and I later learned that the
driver was drunk while driving a minivan. Luckily, passers-by and
a local Vietnamese bakery shop owner were very helpful and kind.
Someone had called for help and, within minutes, the police,

firefighters, and paramedics were all there helping out the people
who were in the car and checking on Pablo and me.
M y first relief was that my son and I seemed physically
unharmed. However, emotionally, I was definitely in shock.
This was just the beginning of my journey to my spiritual
awakening. Later, in that same night, we went home. As I fell
asleep while reading a childrens book to Pablo, I was filled with a
deep sense of peace and gratitude.
As the days went by, I felt my bodys physical abilities
debilitating. Little by little, the original pain from the day of the
accident intensified. The whole left side of my body, particularly
my upper body, shoulder, neck, head, hips, and legs slowly
developed chronic pain. At the same time, I began to have stronger
mood swings; my anger and frustration was building up. At the
time of the accident, I was in good physical condition; I was
playing weekly volleyball and keeping up with my sons soccer
and sporting activities. I developed physical pain that I had never
experienced.
Little by little it became more difficult to walk, to get out of
bed, and to spend time doing my daily activities without pain in
my back, hips, and most of my bodys left side. Sleeping and
resting became more difficult. I began to exteriorize my deep level
of unhappiness, frustration, and anger. Rather than show it outside
my house, I slowly began isolating myself. I did minimal things
outside and inside my home. This went on for about four months,
on into the spring of 2004.

Experimenting with Healing Hands: Letting Go of the Past

Sometime during the months following the accident, I was
helping a friend complete a contract. The contract was for the
delivery and documentation of mental health workshops for
volunteers working with seniors in the downtown east side
Vancouver. Thats where I met Susan for the first time.
Susan was a guest speaker for one of the workshops. She
spoke about how to contact nurses and medical assistants in cases
of emergency. She was a community nurse working in my
neighborhood that was considered one of the most vulnerable areas
in Vancouver. She radiated a deep sense of tranquility and seemed
very committed to helping others.
As soon as I told her that I had been in a car accident a few
months before and that I was still having difficulty in recovering,
she offered to come to my house and give me a healing hands
treatment. I had never before heard about healing hands. She went
onto explain that it had to do with helping heal any energetic
disruption in my body due to the accident and she would gladly
give me a session or two for free, depending upon what she
thought was necessary. We needed to meet at a time that would
work for both of us. A few weeks later, we met at my house and,
while resting in my bed, she gave me the first treatment.
I have a clear picture in my mind of that cold winter evening
in Vancouver. It might have been on a Friday or Saturday. While I
was lying in bed, she asked me to be still and get comfortable; it
was okay for me to have my eyes open or closed, whatever felt

comfortable. I did not hear her say any words; she just placed her
hands above my body as I lay there face up. I let her do what she
needed to do. It didnt seem to take any time or make much
difference. During the treatment, she did not touch me. She
explained that she was working with my ancestral spirits and with
my aura field. At that time I did not believe in or think of them at
all. She talked a bit about helping the energy flow and removing
blockages.
I was not sure what to believe and figured that I would try
anything that might help. All I remember after the first treatment is
feeling lighter. During the treatment, all I felt was a brisk, cold wind
coming my way at certain points while her hands were above my
upper body and head. She explained to me that energy blockages
do not allow things in my life to go as smoothly as I would like.
This idea of having this experience of the car accident, and meeting
Susan was the start of a deep, personal, and spiritual awakening
entering my mind and body. That night, I fell to sleep easily.
Soon after the treatment, I increasingly felt lighter and things
just seemed to shift gradually without me noticing. I am not sure
how much was her work and how much was my mind shift; I was
willing to do anything it took to come out of this emotional and
physical conundrum that the car accident had caused. During the
weeks and months following the car accident, I felt like I was being
strangled. Anxiety and relationship conflicts with my husband
increased. He was not happy, I was not happy and the children
were caught in the middle, also unhappy.

Eventually, I had the second, and last, treatment from Susan

and this time it was a bit different.
She brought her own massage table and we set it up in the
living room of my old house. She asked me to lie down, face up.
She told me that she was going to call to the spirits and get some
crystals out to place above a couple of my chakra points in my
body: particularly, my heart chakra. (In Santana/Hindu and
tantric/yogic traditions and other belief systems chakras are seven
energy points or knots in the subtle body.)
She claimed to discover an old mans spirit in the house and
that this spirit was lost. She said that the spirit did not know that
it was time to move on. We helped this spirit find its way out of
the house so it could make its way to Heaven. Although I was very
open-minded, for many years I had been too afraid and unwilling to
learn about spirits of the dead, chakra points, or supernatural
beliefs. Now I know that I was actually confused and insecure
about what to believe or not to believe. The only thing I knew for
sure was that I hated the history of colonialism and violence
because it had been all around me while growing up.
Following the two treatment sessions with Susan, my desire
to change and find emotional balance in my life grew fast. M y need
for spiritual connection and learning also grew fast. I began to look
for signs of how to connect, where to go, and who to ask. I wanted
to know how to make a decision that would positively impact my
three young sons upbringing. Coming from a Catholic background,
my only idea was to follow a church group. I had lived in

Vancouver for more than ten years but I knew there were many
other churches I could attend to explore Christianity. I had not
joined a church group after completing high school in Nicaragua,
more than eighteen years ago.
I began to reflect on Susans healing hand treatment as one
step in my path to recovery. It stimulated my spiritual awakening,
helping me overcome my fear of the supernatural and deepening
my desire to learn about it. The supernatural and spiritual
manifestations of another dimension were, for sure, something I
feared and kept away from my life as much as possible. Although I
was open to learning through university and the social sciences, I
pretty well stayed away from the esoteric. Part of me began to
slowly realiz e that in order to overcome current and future
challenges I needed to continue to read, experiment, and learn.
M oreover, I needed it to let go of the past, and keep moving toward
wellness, forgiveness, love, and abundance.
Eating Up my Words: It Is Okay to Cry in the Shower!
Despite my hesitation, by M arch 2004, I began visiting a Spanishspeaking Christian church two blocks from my house. I felt a
degree of comfort in speaking my native language and giving my
kids the opportunity to connect with Spanish-speaking families. I
attended this local church for about four years.
While attending, I spent much time studying the Bible and
trying to find teachings to guide my life. Returning to church
helped me confess that I had been wrong before about my denial of
God and spiritual laws; I was solely a materialist and a communist

thinker. I had been following spiritual and indigenous beliefs, as it

was my I see, so I believe motto.
M y long-term friends noticed a big shift and change in my
life, including my husband, who had never seen or imagined my
going to a Christian church. In a way, I felt as though I were eating
my words as my past beliefs were rapidly changing and shifting
to new beliefs and ways of living and experiencing the world.
Previously I had been very vocal about not believing in belonging
to a church. M ost of my friends were not churchgoers. This
involved my letting go of past relationships and building new
relationships with churchgoing folks.
I feel, as I reflect on this, I realize that it was the only
solution I saw; it felt like the right choice at the time. Even if, for
some, my radical mind shift seemed ridiculous, I guess the car
accident scared me enough to rapidly shift my willingness to work
with God and the universe rather than continue fighting and
resisting the spiritual call. Nothing that a human being could say
could make me walk away from this opportunity for growth and
healing. I was tired, depressed, and feeling weak and confused; I
believed that my only choice was to trust in God and embrace the
mystery of life, the secret, the sacred.
As I learned to let go of the past and embrace the now, I shed
many tears while in the shower. I learned that crying alone in the
shower was a way to let go of all my anger and frustration. Crying
became my biggest consolation and my only method to clean my
soul of all the negative energy I had carried with me for many

years. I remembered how much I loved looking at the rain while

seated in the doorstep of my childhood home. Crying in the
shower connected me with being a child and watching the warm
tropical rainfall. Now, I can almost feel the drumming sound made
by the raindrops, creating harmony with the beating of my heart.
In a way, the crying, the water, and the warmth in the air while in
the shower bring to me the bliss of the quiet rainfall after a tropical
thunderstorm in my childhood memories of Nicaragua. In choosing
to make it okay to cry in the shower, I was able to connect with
the safety of watching the rainfall as a child. Today, although not as
often, I continue to cry in the shower to release fears, sadness, or
frustration. I find that when I release my tears in the water I come
out feeling refreshed and at ease, rather than feeling bad with
swollen eyes. I recommend that you try it.
By allowing myself to let go of my old, limiting beliefs, my
prejudice toward churchgoers, and my tears in the shower, I was
opening myself up to a realm of abundance of love and forgiveness,
allowing me to truly embrace my life. This shift in conscious
awareness allowed me to overcome many mental limitations and,
by 2008, I had completed my masters degrees in Sociology and in
Anthropology, a life-long goal. I had also survived separation and
divorce after a fifteen-year relationship, and had celebrated my
fortieth birthday with gusto.
Uncover Your Own Resourcefulness and Strength: Put it to
Good Use!
Along with going to church, it was a time for in-depth

learning. Once I completed my masters degree in 2006, my

eagerness for learning and doing bloomed, together with my desire
for independence from a marriage that was going nowhere, and
financial freedom. At about this time, I recall another big shift in
my awareness and spiritual practice. It was about this time that
my moment of deepest conscious awareness happened. I realized
that we are energy and everything is energy.
A few new healing techniques and modalities began to show
up. I also began seeing a therapist, participating in womens groups
to address separation, and doing some leadership training. I was
introduced to the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Sacral
Cranial M essage therapy to deal with both my emotional and
physical pain. I found both practices very effective in helping me
to let go of the past. It was of particular help when overcoming and
dealing with the effects of chronic anxiety, depression, and anger. It
was truly a roller coaster ride, and I had no idea how long it would
last or if I would ever get to the end. All I knew was that I needed
to trust in God and take one moment at a time, one step at a time,
at my own pace.
A spiritual highlight was attending an event that featured a
dialogue that involved His Holiness the fourteenth Dalai Lama,
Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and Shirin Ebadi, an Iranian woman
and the winner of the 2003 Nobel Peace Priz e. It took p lace
in Vancouver at the Chan Center.
I remember how eagerly I took notes on their words about
compassion, love, peace, and collaboration as principles of life,

bringing humanity together beyond borders and religious

differences. This experience, together with studying the Bible in
my church group , encouraged my sp irit ual awakening.
M ost importantly, I was manifesting all the changes I wanted to
see in my life with greater ease and speed. Overall, I began feeling
expansion and bliss. I began believing in miracles and manifesting
that I was one of those miracles. There was not a question or doubt
anymore in my heart. M iracles happen every day. M iracles exist. I
fully embraced that I am a miracle.
As my spiritual growth was happening rapidly and strategies
and people showed up in my path, the meaning and the magnitude
of the now overused sentence everything is energy began to
really sink into my subconscious. I began to pursue the practice of
meditation and hypnosis, and using inquiry to learn. With the
discovery of these mind-bending strategies, I began to deeply
embrace the practice of quickly shifting my negative mood energy
by being in the present moment and focusing on my breathing to
increase grounding and body awareness.
Other key practices such as NeuroLinguistic Programming
(NLP), Qi Gong, and Feng Shui made it into my list of programs to
attend. All of these practices continued to revolutionize my life
and continued to build a solid foundation to reaffirm my beliefs in
the supernatural and in spirituality. I eventually dropped out of
my local church because I stopped feeling congruency between
limiting myself to only one particular religious belief and opening
myself up to deeper, spiritual understanding and practice. The

people I knew at church did not agree with many of the practices I
was encountering and my new beliefs. It became a natural process
to out grow t his exp erience t hat led me t o be p art of a
bigger communit y of conscious evolut ion and in-dep t h
universal spirituality.
All the techniques and approaches to a better life pointed to
one same belief: everything is energy and what you think about
expands. Everything is energy. We are what we think. What we think
about expands. The only way forward is to embrace where you are,
gain clarity, and work on a clear direction toward what you want to
be, what you want to do, what you want to have, where you want to
go, who do you want to meet, and so on.
The Key is Within You: Some Conclusions
M ost of the time, the various forms of healing and
treatments were part of my search for answers to my emotional
crisis, chronic pain, and depression. The strategies were an
opportunity for me to learn about my body, mind, and spirit, to
learn about energy, and my ability to respond to challenges. I
believe that my near-death experience of a car accident, followed
by the healing hands treatment, acted as catalysts and gave me my
desire to learn, shift my awareness, and go deep in to my
resourceful nature. I came out of the mental fog that exists in states
of depression, post-traumatic stress, and chronic pain. These
experiences allowed me to learn and work on how to remain
empowered and in alignment with my spiritual self and the material
world.

The same experiences that challenged me in moments of

crisis and catastrophe are the ones that have taught me the most
about me, who I am, and about others. They made me realize the
deep desire I have toward helping and supporting others in their
personal journey. This emerges as my way of manifesting the
abundance within me for receiving and giving love. When I hear
myself sounding confident about my spiritual life, it is important
to let you know that many times I felt stuck, depressed, and
desolate. Now these feelings come less often into my life and when
they do, I am able to bounce back much faster by recalling some of
the simple strategies I have learned.
Be okay about letting go. Its okay to cry in the shower, or
anywhere for that matter. Its okay to admit your wrongs and your
mistakes, thereby helping in the process of letting go and focusing
on finding solutions and alternatives. If you dont know, its okay
to just ask, seek, and you will find. Keep trying and start from
wherever you are. Dont worry about itjust take action.
Remember the importance of drawing from your own
resourcefulness to keep moving forward and embracing problems
as challenges to improve yourself. Be willing to see a warning sign
or a preparation period that tells you to proceed with caution and
gain clarity. Continue to learn from your own experiences, and
others, remain open to learning, and be humble enough to
recognize your errors despite sounding nave.
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Journey #2 Riding The Energy Flow

Debra Bright a.k.a. AbracaDEBRA
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I always knew that I saw the world differently. I was born

knowing and remembering how the universe works. For some
reason, I seemed to know a lot! I thought everybody knew what I
knew. As I got a bit older, I realized that they didnt. This was
information that I had from within my soulmy inner wisdom.
It all started on January 15, 1964. So here were the numbers
as they all played out for me. It all started on January 15, 1964:
1 + 5 + 2 + 1 + 9 + 6 + 4 = 2 + 8 = Destiny number 10, which goes
down to being a number 1.
Wow! Straight off. how amazing! M y destiny number was
ten and I was born in the middle of ten children. M y terrific
parents had five girls and five boys. We were raised as a religious

Catholic family, attended a Catholic school and were taught to

believe in Jesus, M other M ary, and Christ consciousness energy. I
really connected with Jesus; He was, and still is, my inspiration.
The message I received from Him was that what He was doing, we
could all do, and that if He could do it, I could do it too. That is
what has really been inspiring me throughout my life.
As I grew up in the middle of ten children, I was the only
one who was spiritually and intuitively connected with my
angels/guides, and was able to see visions of them. I think its my
nature to be quite involved with the mystical and esoteric. Thats
why I could see them and no one else could. When the angels
started coming in and being by my bed at night and communicating
with me, I sometimes was quite fearful of them. I was often found
sleeping under my bed at night rather than in my bed. I actually
made a little cubby-house under my bed where I slept and came
back out when the morning light came in. M y guardian angel
visibly appeared to me but it scared me because I didnt
understand. M y angels and guides did that quite a few times and
then they decided to back off until I was older.
When I was younger, I asked a lot of people about the
appearance of the angels. M y parents didnt know much about it.
M y teachers didnt know. The nuns didnt know. No one could
give me support about what I was seeing and what was happening
around me. I was also told to stop being silly and to grow up.
They all thought I had an imaginary friend, so I disconnected and
shut it all down.

I was born very gifted with an amazing connection to the

higher realms and energies, but I shut it down because of fear and
that it was unacceptable because it couldnt be seen. In society, we
seem to only believe what we can see. Luckily, I went through
school still connected with and guided by my intuition, my higher
self, and my angels. Looking back, I see quite a few times in my life
when I have been guided, supported, and soothed by them; and
they have done it from an invisible aspect.
As I got older I was always interested in astrology and the
other realms, which made it challenging to be just a normal person.
I even promised my dad that I would try harder to stay in my next
job, like others, for many years.
I was an excellent personal assistant secretary (PA) working
in the city, living a normal life along with the partners of the
business. But on the inside, I felt very disconnected, totally
unsatisfied, and unfulfilled. The only satisfaction I had was with
my paycheck at the end of the week.
One day an amazing breakthrough happened. I was with a
terrific guy and I knew he was going to propose to me, again. I was
very happy with him and I so wanted to say yes, but something
was holding me back. I felt that I needed more to explore life more
and travel overseas. M eanwhile, I was sitting in my dull office
feeling disconnected. There were fifty people around me but no
one would talk. I thought, Wow, you know, I think I could
probably hear a pin drop.
So, I dropped the paper clip and, sure enough, I heard it! I

knew t his was very, very wrong. Ive got so much t o offer.
Im a remarkable communicator and I wasnt allowed to talk. I
was attached to a computer and totally suppressed.
So I went within to my Higher Self for guidance and said,
This is so wrong! What am I meant to do?
I heard a little voice come through. It was my guardian angel
and he said, Well, what do you want to do?
Well, I said, I think I want to travel the world.
I was twenty-six then and I was in my Saturn Return cycle.
Everyone goes through his or her Saturn Return cycle from, say
twenty-six to thirty-two years of age. Up until then, everyone
usually does what parents/teachers/society/others want or expect
them to do in life. When the Saturn Return sets in, thats when we
all start looking within and stepping out and creating our own life
the way we are meant to, in our own perfect destiny alignment.
Have you heard of people who study at university all those
years and, when they finally leave, actually do something
completely different in their career? At this time, we all experience
a big change.
Think back to where you made your big life change.
Because of this, I was already having second thoughts about
how I was living my life. M y guardian angels asked me what I
actually wanted to do. I said that I wanted to travel the world and
they said, Do it. M y first reaction was, No, I dont have the
money.
There it wasit was something we all have. Its a self-

sabotaging belief system in our wounded bodies that prevents us

from creating great progress and happiness in our lives and it needs
to be cleared away.
So, of course, I said the same thing, No, I havent got the
money.
Yes, you do, I heard in response. Sell your car.
Trusting them and thinking that it was a great idea, I
instantly crafted an advertisement onto my computer and sent it to
everyone in the entire company while I went to lunch. At lunch, in
my enthusiasm and excitement, I obtained some brochures to look
at for a world tour. When I came back from lunch with these
brochures in hand, just from having the thought, there was
somebody instantly who wanted to buy my car!
I thought, Wow, settle down. It was on!
She wanted to see the car right away that night after work. I
put her off until the next night and had to rush to my awesome
parents house to clean, vacuum. She probably would have bought
it then and there, otherwise.
M y mom asked, What are you doing, Debra Do? M y dear
mom calls me D ebra-D o. D ebra-D o every t hing s ince I
am quit e independent in that way.
I said, Im selling the car and Im going to travel the world.
Really? she asked. Come here and show me what youre
planning.
We sat down together looking at the brochures and together
we chose, that very night, which tour would be fabulous for me.

The next day the girl saw the car and bought it. It was all
happening so quickly. M y life changed in a day and a half! I was
on the perfect energy flow of the Universe.
This is how Energy is meant to work. This is whats meant
to happen when youre on a roll and connectedits universal
energy flow. Terrific! And this is what happened.
From there on I had to give two weeks notice at work,
which allowed me time to pack, make arrangements, say my
farewells, and get over the shock of it all. In no time I was flying to
the other side of the world to Europe on my own. I did have some
friends over there at the time I could meet up with. I found it
terrific to travel on my own because I could go wherever I chose,
where I needed to go, do whatever I needed to do, and meet
whomever I needed to meet.
Often, if you make an agenda for where you are to go and
when, you become set in a schedule. Theres no room for angel
magic. So if people crossed my path and had terrific things to
show or tell, I was able to follow that path and go with that energy
flow. I was never completely on my own; opportunities and
people came into my path constantly . . . and it was fabulous! It
was then when I reconnected with my guardian angels and was
connected with my guides. I knew they were the ones orchestrating
all I needed and wanted. They were communicating with me
internally, plain as day, as if I were talking to my best friend next
to me. They were so warm, loving, and funny. I would often be
caught laughing out loud when I had heard their inner comments. I

further realized that I wasand amnever, ever alone.

M y angels/guides introduced me to remarkable events of
serendipity and synchronicity. M y one-month travels actually
turned into three years of terrific opportunities, abundance, and
people connections, alignments that just fell into place, fun, bliss,
and so much more. And many of my dreams came true. The
experience was everything I had dreamed of and more!
Past Lives Clearings
A big dream I had was to work in a ski chalet. Again,
angel/guide magic.
On the Sunday before the ski season started, I went to the
ski show and chatted with lots of exhibitors about available work.
It had all been taken. So now, expecting my dreams to come true
with my angel/guide helpers, I set out to ride the energy flow and
allow it to show me the way. And, yes, it happened again: The
next day, M onday, I pulled out the phonebook and started to
phone ski businesses. The first one said no, but the second one
said Yes! This company was running behind in their organizing and
I had an interview instantly. The next week I was in France
managing a ski chalet for six months. Yahoo! I was on the energy
flow again and with the angel/guide magic. I was ready for bliss
again, and it did live up to my fabulous expectations. How perfect!
I was so grateful for this awesome experience.
I traveled to so many different places that I had only
dreamed of. I went everywhere my Higher Self wanted and needed
to go, to learn, and grow.

On my journey I went to Toledo, Spain. In this city were

statues of famous matadors in front of the bull fighting arena. I
wasnt interested in going in and seeing bull fighting, but there was
something there I had to see.
When you travel, your cells touch the ground there and all of
your past lives soul cellular memories can come to the forefront to
be healed or dealt with. Well, I have a photo of one of the
matadors; that was terrific. There were so many there but one
caught my eye and Ive got a photo with that one. Later on I found
out, when I started studying past life work, that this was actually
me in a past life. I was a number one champion matador in a past
life!
When I worked in France for six months, I received constant
thoughts and memories of me being there before. Again I had
discovered that I had been there in a past life. What kept appearing
to me was myself as a young, French peasant girl, similar to the
one in the classic novel Les Miserable. While I was managing the
chalet, I was reconnecting with my past and healing it. It was a
terrific experienceanother dream had come true. I had received
fulfillment and peace within from this experience.
In life we are here to learn lessons; it is all ongoing. But our
belief systems and soul memories can cause us stress that cause
blockages in our bodies. These blocks result in disease that
eventually can shut the body down and end in death. When that
happens, our soul is simply reborn in a different body with the
same issues to deal with, but different stories to learn from. This

process will continue until we master our stresses, fears, and our
wounded body. When we do that, our souls will live forever.
I worked on an eight-month-old baby boy who had been
screaming in abdomen pain since he was born. Poor little bloke!
His parents had been trying to help him with all the help they
could find and then they found me. Upon scanning him, I found
that I was dealing with healing the prostate cancer that he had died
from in his previous life. Our soul just comes back around with
issues we need to deal with.
Once I renewed my connection I also found out that not only
had I been a matador, I was also chief of a village in Botswana and
my family was in my tribe. I was a chiefs daughter in a Rapaho
Indian tribe that was fighting the White M an. I married the Chief
Warrior in that life, who was a lot older than I and had two
children. It was the man I married in this life; he is fifteen years
older than I am. M y daughter now was my son then. I was also a
gifted Aromatherapy/Energy Healer who was burned at the stake, a
High Priestess in Egypt, one of the twelve High Priestess Healers
of Atlantis, and many more lives. We have all had so many past
lives, especially since the Earth has moved into separation and fear.
My Angels/Guides Keep Me S afe
As you can imagine, the whole trip was full of enlightening
experiences while I was reconnecting with spirit, my guardian
angels, guides, and my higher self. They were there with me the
entire journey, keeping me safe at all times. When I met people,
within seconds I could ask my guardian angel, Am I safe? Are

they good or bad? I got answers right away. I was empowered by

having answers come straight through with my gut feeling,
intuition, higher self, and my guardian angels support. I would
instinctively know, when I was meeting people, whether I could go
with them.
One time I was walking through the Rumblers of Spain and I
was warned about a gypsy. I turned around and there was a gypsy
following me. Ten minutes later, I had a knife at my back. I turned
around, slapped him, and pushed him away, which allowed time
for my girlfriend and me to run off and hide in the balcony of a
shop. In the shop windows reflection we could see that the gypsy
had a group of about ten young gypsy boys, and he was ordering
them to find us. These boys started running around trying to find
us, but we were protected by our angels, who guided us to run
down an alley to safety, unharmed.
Another time, I was getting onto a train and was warned by
my angels about a fellow near me. I walked further up and got onto
another train car and, sure enough, he had followed me. I turned to
be seated and there he was, with his hand inside my handbag
holding my wallet. Again, because I was forewarned, I was able to
push him away with no loss. He ran off the train and disappeared,
even before the door closed.
There were quite a few experiences during my overseas trip,
which ended up lasting three years. It fully connected me to the
loving, supportive resources that are available to all of us. When
you renew your connection to and have trust with your angels, it

always works in your favor; I never, ever felt alone. None of us are.
Its only our disconnection that makes us feel alone. Once youre
reconnected and you feel all the energy and all that is available
around us, were totally supported in love and abundance.
M y angels/guides were so happy when I traveled with them.
They were telling jokes and stories and I was laughing all the while;
people used to wonder what I was laughing at. I was in total joy
the entire trip because they were my travel partners. It was terrific
and they became so clear to me. The more I connected with them,
the stronger they got until they might as well have been standing
next to me being human, talking and interacting with a best friend,
with only love and fun.
Back Home
When I finally came home, I had only myself and what I was
wearing. All my belongings, photos, and luggage were lost. It didnt
arrive in Los Angeles after my last trip to Jamaica and was lost
somewhere on the round trip between Los Angeles, San Francisco,
and Jamaica. It couldnt be found and I went back home to
Australia.
Weeks lat er, w hile I w as w orking in t he office again
temporarily, my angel came to me again. Would you like your
luggage back or the insurance monies?
I was very disappointed because Id lost all my photos and
memories of the terrific people I had met and the places I had been.
Those things were way more important to me than money!
I replied, M y bag and memories.

Less than ten minutes later, I received a phone call from the
Sydney Airport telling me that my luggage had arrived from Los
Angeles and was there for me to collect. Oh my goodness! Can you
believe that? I went straight there and collected it. M y bathing suit
was still wet inside from my last swim in Jamaica. It was
unbelievable and I was, again, so very, very grateful.
It was very interesting when I came back home. I had done
and achieved so much and had so many fabulous stories to tell.
When I asked others what theyd been doing, I learned that they
hadnt changed or done anything much.
This is being blocked and stuck in life, we are meant to flow
constantly. Remember the song the song, Row, row, row your
boat gently down the stream? That song is how life should be
moving and flowing for happiness.
What to do next? I just asked my angels/guides, Any ideas
of what to do next?
I was excited about being home with all my loved ones again,
but my angels/guides said, Enjoy, but not for long.
They offered to move me to M argaret River or Noosa, so I
chose and off I went to Noosa, Australia. I was then guided and
began working on people and the body and studied massage,
aromatherapy, and past life.
I started to offer massage and I was growing a fabulous
business. I had my own business operating successfully and I also
worked for some of the top resorts. I was the number one
masseuse they called in for their visiting clients.

I was in my thirties now and, again, Universal Energies came

in to play. The three numerology number destiny has to do with a
spiritual, creative gift unfolding, and with this massage work I felt I
was a natural; I loved doing it and was great at it.
They say destiny is usually what you love to do and what
you were good doing as a child. M y gorgeous father used to let me
have the window seat behind him in the car, while the rest of the
family would take turns in any other seats available. It is only
recently that I worked out why; my cheeky dad used to enjoy it
when I would run my hands up and down and massaged his head
and shoulders as he drove. It was a well-deserved gift for my
fabulous dad who raised ten lively children.
I also remember growing up having my two brothers begging
for back massages every day. Id give one after school on the
lounge and one in front of the television after dinner each night. I
guess it was and is one of my childhood fortes.
During my thirties, I also started tapping into the Universal
Energies for healing bodies and having my spiritual third eye gifts
come through (clairaudient, clairsentient, clairvoyant, and so on).
They got even stronger the more I used them and were profoundly
stronger by the latter half of my life.
In truth, my business had lots of clients but I started
wondering why I was healing people with back pain or neck pain
and they had to return repeatedly with the same problem. Why
was this happening?
M y curiosity went deeper, and I went deeper down into the

energy field. Thats when I started studying all the different energy
modalities and getting lots of information on how all types of
energy works. Then, of course, with my angels/guides and my
adventurous mind, I started experimenting in different ways to
learn what to do to support a clients total body shift. I was riding
the energy again, finding where the disconnect started and clearing
the Cause.
This is when I connected with the Universal big guns: The
P ow erful M as t ers and A s cended M as t ers . T hey began t o
communicat e w it h me from t he ot her s ide, lovingly and
authoritatively instructing me on what to add to my current
knowledge to do very profound healings. I was thrilled and started
to work with M aster Jesus, and other M astersArchangel
Raphael, and Ascended M aster Hilarion. They became my actual
workmates. I began to call my healing sessions Body
Attunements.
I was in my forties now, with the four numerology number
destiny coming into play. The four is all about water. It had me
dealing with clearing the watery emotions in the bodies of others:
blockages of stress, depression, anxiety, fear, and resentment.
Through this, I discovered Cause disease.
M y Body Attunement sessions used water to wash these
emotions through and out of the body. How perfect! I was a
natural at this. I was born to do it, especially at that time.
I was able to scan people in person and across distances and
see where their issues started energetically. When I work on people

now, its on a more permanent basis because Im not working on

the surface of the physical body anymore. I go to the deeper
energy area, tune into peoples higher aligned connection, discover
the cause of the disease, and simply clear it. I was shown how to
offer profound healings. It has helped me heal a lot of diseases
(even the big ones) and put them in remission.
This is what we need to be doing on the planet nowwe
need to go to that deeper energy level. I now work all the planes of
energy and all the different dimensions. I clear right back to the
original cell of perfection, before the emotional wound distortion
starts in the first place. I call it working on the Wounded Body.
We are born and caught in two selves: one is the Infinite
M agnificent Self and the other is the Wounded Self. What we need
to do is clear those heavy energies of pain, stress, and self-sabotage
in our wounded body/self and just stand in the goodness of our
infinite body/self, just like saints.
When any issues come up, you need to try to stay in love
and detached from the issues, then clear them with the Shower on
the Inside. M y work clears these issues so you can just stay in
your infinite true self of love, joy, abundance, great health, bliss,
and everything.
I do my Shower on the Inside every day, which connects me
to 100 percent God/Source Universal Energy. This keeps me from
feeling drained, sick, or blocked and allows me to operate daily in
great health, happiness, abundance, and bliss. I would miss doing
this every day and I dont know how anyone is operating without

it at this time of big cyclic change on the planet. I dont even get
the flu anymore because of this.
When your Wounded Body issues come up to the surface
throughout the day to clear, you can also do the Shower of the
Inside in a few minutes wherever you are, to rebalance and calm
yourself.
We cannot blame anyone else for our feelings and emotions
anymore. We cant explode them out onto loved ones or whomever
is close to you at the time. People are just mirroring our issues; all
those issues are our own and we need to be empowered and
responsible for them ourselves. We need to do our own work and
clear them constructively with the Shower on the Inside.
Anyone can do the Shower on the Inside; its so easy and
clears Wounded Bodies whenever needed. I recommend it so you
can stay in your healthy, abundant, balanced, peaceful, calm,
connected, infinite self.
Debras Life Path
Im now stepping in to my destiny life path of a M aster
Teacher, Speaker and Leader after twenty years of working with
healing and energy work professionally. This is my gift to share
with the world. Its a very exciting time on the planet for
everybody (including me). Im so excited to be teaching a lot of
workshops to share how every person can become awakened,
connected and empowered to easily work with this energy.
I can stay in complete alignment and with 100 percent
energy connection, to move forward easily in this world. With all

the heavy energies that people are dealing with, I can give them the
tools and information be able to empower themselves to release
toxic thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve them.
I am now on Psychic television in Australia, which has
connected me to many people throughout Australia and around the
world. I am here to support and empower everyone with tools and
higher dimensional information to cope with and integrate the daily
surges of higher energies unfolding on the planet. Were moving out
of the third dimension and into the fifth dimension and heading
more and more toward unconditional love for everybody and back
to unity and oneness. We have been in this energy before so we are
remembering and unfolding our knowingness once again. The goal
is to have all the struggles disappear and have a nice and easy ride
for everyone. If everyone starts clearing their own heavy energies
and a lot of operational stresses, upsets, trauma, and disease, we
can actually all move forward into this fabulous place of
unconditional love and abundance.
The more everyone works on themselves, the more energy
levels will rise and with this will be an easier ride for all of us.
Our M other Earth is also moving through these dimensions,
too, and is wobbling in her boots. When I do my daily Shower on
the Inside (before I get out of bed every morning, so I dont get
distracted by busy life), I also send lots of loving and healing
energy out to M other Earth for her to have an easy ride too, which
actually reflects back to us. I always treat M other Earth and the
environment well and with respect, as I would my own mother. I

always check in with my Higher Self and will only do what is in

perfect alignment for her. Ive also been guided to do healing and
realignments on Australias gridlines in reconnecting the Earth as
well as us, which Im writing about at the moment for future
publication.
I work on all levels; not everything is visible in front of us.
Were multi-dimensional beings and were operating in all
directions. With my clearings I work with Past Lives, DNA,
Genetics, Hereditary Lines, Contracts, Curses, Implants, Entities,
and all sorts of different areas to clear our Wounded Body back to
the original cell of perfection. We are M agnificent Infinite Beings
who are going back home to oneness and unconditional love, but at
the moment we have heavy energy. The third dimension is
burdened with ego, competition, all sorts of upsets and heart issues
that we need to clear.
Affirmations are not working at this time; they are creating
more traumas for the body. We need to clear the path to what we
want to achieve, clear away the heavy blocking energies and
become lighter and lighter, therefore uplifting us in to the future.
The future is a beautiful place of happiness, oneness, and
abundance.
I have many years of knowing and practicing. I know how it
feels when you are disconnected and things dont go right. Im here
to provide help and support and to give knowledge and awareness.
I work with life coaches and motivators and realign on this deeper
energy level. Otherwise, it does not and will not work for anyone. I

have quite a few workshops that teach people, hands-on, how to

heal themselves. I have quite a few practices, simple techniques,
and processes on how to clear heavy emotions and I share these
processes in person and on my website, www.bodyattunementcentre.com.
Also on the website is my Shower on the Inside, Chakra
Dance CD/DVD. Ive made it very quick so it only takes five
minutes a day because the world is so busy at the moment. We can
all allow five minutes for ourselves. We can fit it in for ourselves.
No excuses! The Chakra Dance CD/DVD will reconnect us to the
100 percent Universal Energies available to us and help those
blockages in our energy field of stress to be removed and go back to
the universe to regenerat e in t o love. I use t he KISS met hod
wit h all of my teachings and I call it Keep it Simple,
Sweetheart, so we can all do it because we all know love
ourselves. Everyone can do this!
Children also love it. Ive made it into a dance with uplifting
music so it instantly brings you in to the joy and out of the
depressing heavy energies. Some of my clients use it as their daily
alarm clock, letting the Shower on the Inside wash all their troubles
away. With the DVD you can get connected once again with us and
dance with my friends and me in Nelson Bay, with a dolphin in the
background; the connection to the universal energies was definitely
happening. Lets get up. Get with it. Do your Shower on the
Inside, Chakra clearing Dance and youll rebalance right away. And
if any dramas happen during the day you can access those moves
by memory and do that Chakra Clearing Dance anytime and

anywhere you need it. Ive been known to run off to the ladies
room and do a quick clearing in about two minutes. I return rebalanced because even I have a learning process.
These are the tools that Im putting out there that people can
use when things come up. You might be in a bit of a stressful
situation and you can stabilize, detach, and re-balance instantly. If
any issues are more major I can attend to these with my Body
Attunement sessions, working deeper on all the energetic levels.
Remember to keep in mind that when stresses build up and
accumulate, thats when disease manifests in the physical body. If
were clearing that every day, well be feeling absolutely healthy, in
balance, stable, secure, happy, abundant, and blissful. I say, Bring
it on everyone because you deserve it!
A lot of people are already receiving my help and Im getting
a lot of accolades. I was nominated for the Australian of the Year
2013 and Citizen of my local area due to the power of my work,
achievements, and successes in making people feel better and
healing their bodies. There is appreciation for the simple tricks,
t ools, and informat ion I p rovide on how p eop le can help
themselves instantly. Thats where Im coming from. All is
fabulous and Im there for everyone in support of moving forward
at this time.
The Children
M y daughter and all the children are now born awake.
The younger they are the more awake they are. From the age of
two, as soon as she could put words together, my daughter has

been a soprano singer. She was born amazingly gifted. Its been a
blessing and a joy to hear her sing each morning.
When she was four she shocked me with, M om, I dont
need to go to school and Im not going because Im going to be a
singer and a dancer. You can tell everyone to stop hurting and
eating the animals.
These new children are totally in their true alignment. They
know where they are meant to be and what they are meant to be
doing and eating. They instantly recognize dishonesty and whats
right and wrong. They dont like competition, being judgmental, or
fighting. Their intuitive gifts are highly developed already. I have
dealt with children who want to fly and they levitate on my healing
table. I have dealt with children who are not talking and are already
using telepathy and moving energies.
Ive had to negotiate with my daughter all the way to fit into
society because of this. You cant tell them what to do or you will
receive their wrath. Theyre very strong-minded and connected
with the Universe and themselves and are actually part of the big
changes on the planet, with this generation already being
connected. They are here to challenge and open us up and to
spiritually teach and guide us adults. They are very interested in
esoteric, energy, magic, fairies, vampires, death, and the afterlife.
M y daughter is now sixteen and she is singing and dancing and
about to step in to her career.
The challenge in dealing with these children is that if we
dont start to connect with them and set up the attention they

need, we might lose quite a few of them because they feel that they
dont belong on this planet. Not many people understand them.
They dont eat the foodmy daughter eats raw vegetables with
vitamins not cooked out of them. She wont eat meat; she says she
tastes the anger, fear, and pain in it. Vegetables dont have a nervous
system, so they dont feel pain. These children dont want the
chemicals in foods and products; they react with allergies because
they are sensitive. They are in very pure alignment.
The schools need to change. So much needs to change at this
time. Ive noticed theyre calling the children autistic. The children
seem to be profound 120 percent in their selected life path area,
not in every area. For example, we have primary school children
doing high school exams and creative children like mine singing and
others doing amazing feats without any training. I love the animals
being set free and there are now human circuses.
The kids are being born with gifts that need to be developed
and theyre highly sensitive. We need to look after them because
they are helping to the energy on the planet to switch higher. There
is a lot happening that is helping us all move through the
dimens ions eas ily, including t he w hales , w ho are t he
mos t enlightened species on the planet, then the dolphins, and
then us. Now that the population of whales is allowed to rise,
theyre lifting the vibration on the planet once again. One grown
whale will be equal to about one million lower vibrational humans.
The higher the vibration goes on the planet, the easier the ride we
will have through to the fifth dimension.

As we go to the higher dimensions, man-made time is also

speeding up. This time is now called the Quickening and its a
quickening time for healing as well. We are more in the Now time.
Are you feeling yourself chasing time all the time? Well, its time to
let go of the past and let the future unfold and just be in the Now
time. Its time to be focused on being happy, blissful, abundant,
worthy, deserving, and always provided for, safe and protected, in
the Now! For anything not in that alignment, Shower it on the
Inside.
Lets all just go with the flow, be flexible in our views, bring
in the new ways and ideas that are in universal alignment, and
allow ourselves to reconnect with our guardian angels, angels,
guides, archangels, masters, and ascended masters who are with us
always and are available, supporting us and providing what we ask.
The past lower vibrational time is over. Its time to heal our
Wounded Bodies and bring in unconditional love for everyone and
everything, especially the Earth, our home.
This brings me back to my destiny number being a ten
brought down Now to a one. I have moved from my childhood and
being part of ten in my family, to now standing alone and being a
number one leader and teacher in my perfect aligned profession and
into my future in being of service to lead at this time of our
planetary shift, for the highest good of all. I am now working with
the Ascended M aster Teacher, M aster Kathumi of the Highest
Dimension. So join with us in the new ways and lets all move and
Ascend on this planet together now.

Debra Bright aka AbracaDebra

M aster Energy Healer, Teacher, Leader
Body Attunement Centre, Australia
Phone: 0423191084
FB & www.bodyattunementcentre.com
-

Journey #3 Loving Who I A,, Not

Acting Who Im Not
Shenna Shotwell
-

Admitting I was homosexual in the 70s was neither a smart

nor a safe thing to do. It just wasnt as accepted then as it is now.
Of course, neit her was being an int erracial couple back then.
M en and women, and boys and girls were raped, bloodied, and
beaten to death because of who they were attracted to and who
they loved. The fact that this is still happening in the world floors
me. But, it wont stop me; it wont even slow me down.
I am a lesbian. I love who I love. Real love. Not some love
made up by the person I was told I was supposed to be. Authentic
love. From the soul love. From the heart love. A love of being who

I am, not acting who Im not.

The best single thing I have done in my life is to have created
my son. He is my most cherished blessing I have from acting as
someone I was not. I am so grateful for him. Now he is giving me
grandchildren. His blessing continues to grow and I am so very
thankful!
Living my life as a lie ate at me until I finally became truthful
with the person I was. I tried to live the straight-person life. I was
married twice. We bought cars and houses. We had a baby and pets.
We attended reunions and parties as a normal, heterosexual family.
We had birthdays and holidays as a regular tribe of three; it was all
under false pretenses. It was fun and I have some great memories
but, at my core, I was not happy.
When I got my second divorce, I made up my mind to finally
be who I was meant to be. I had had enough of cheating and being
mentally abused and declared, No more! I had to be the person
my heart was aching to be. I have known the reality about myself
for a very long time. The lies had to stop. It was time for my truth
to be spoken.
I knew that coming out as a lesbian was going to be rough. I
also knew the payoff would be worth it. I risked losing my son and
my family, my friends, and my job. I was scared to death to tell
my secret to a single person, but I did it anyway. I had to. To save
my life, I had to.
Finally, the desire to be who I really was, who Creator had
intended me to be, overcame the fear of letting my secret out to the

world. It was time. I knew it. I could taste freedom. I could taste
possibility.
I mustered up the courage to tell a good friend and co-worker
that I was gay while we were having lunch one afternoon. M y
heart was pounding and I was sweating bullets. There was an
uneasy, queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I swallowed hard
and blurted it out. I am a lesbian!
It took a mere two seconds to change the course of my life.
She quickly made sure to tell me that she was not gay but that she
was okay with my being whatever I needed to be for my
happiness. I thought to myself, Well, that was easy! It wasnt
nearly as traumatic as I had made it out to be. Now, I had to tell
my mother. I shuddered at the thought and said hello to uneasy
and queasy again.
Yes, it was scary as Hell to tell my mom that I was gay. I
will not lie to you and sugarcoat that one. But, it had to be done in
order for me to be able to create this new life I was determined to
have. I knew I had to desire my new beginning more than the
horror story I had made up of telling her. M y heart scales were
tipped in favor of my new life and I had to stay strong. I told her.
Her reaction was completely different than what I imagined
it was going to be. I thought the daggers would be drawn, but they
werent. She just kept reading her newspaper and gently said, No
youre not. I guess it sank in a few days later.
Yes, sparks flew. Yes, feelings got hurt and words poured like
acid rain, burning every inch of me and my heart as they landed.

But I was out. I was out of the proverbial closet and I was never
going back in. M y life had changed in that moment because I had
overcome the dread of staying who I was not created to be. I
became bigger than my fear and I trampled it to the ground. I was
victorious and I held my hands up to the Gods and yelled, Thank
you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thirty-one years of my life were instantly put away as a
closed file. M y slate was clean. I was free to create a whole new
chapter and that was exactly what I was going to do.
The time had come to tell a different story about who I was
and what it was that I expected out of my existence on this planet.
I knew there were stormy seas ahead. I knew things were going to
be difficult for a bit. M y day-to-day life, as I knew it, was
changing right before my eyes. Nothing would ever be the same.
From my hair to my heart, things would be different from now on.
M y whole world flipped upside down when I let the cat
out of the bag. Some of my friends had suspicions that I was gay,
but most had no clue and I rocked their world with my news. Some
would never sp eak t o me again and some just t ook a brief
intermission of our friendship to think about things. They would
eventually come back to be my friends again and stay that way.
M y relatives had different reactions and views on my
announcement. Cousins were congratulatory, while aunts and
uncles were concerned for my well-being. I was prayed for, prayed
over, and prayed about. There were a few who hoped I would find
a man to cure me. Thank goodness, I knew that would never

happen.
One aunt told me she had known for a very long time and she
loved me no matter what. M y uncle (her husband) and I both had
eyes for Sandra Bullock.
I felt bad for my father. I had not told him y et. He lived
thousands of miles away. I figured I had a little time to let him
know.
M y mother thought differently.
One morning she decided to call my dad on the telephone and
tell him my news for me. He lived in Vegas at the time. I believe it
was about 4:30 a.m., Vegas time, when she called him and blasted
forth my announcement. She had outed me to my dad.
Evert! Shenna says shes a lesbian! What are you going to
do about it!
What is he going to do about it, mom? Really? He is two
thousand miles away. You wake him from a sound sleep, tell him
his thirty-one year-old daughter has just come out of the closet and
you want to know what he is going to do about it? Like there
would be anything he could do about it, M om! Creator did this for
me! Not dad!
M y mother would not talk with me about my being gay. I
have no idea about any conversations she ever had with anyone
about it. She died without telling me that it was okay for me to live
as the person I am and that she was proud of me and loved me no
matter what. She died with the burns from the acid rain she poured
on me, still fresh and painful, never telling me she was sorry. She

never acknowledged that it was okay for me to live the life Creator
had chosen for me, and never apologized for the venom and hate
she spewed from her soul toward me. She died and left all of this
hurt and anger behind to eat at me for years and years. And, thats
okay. M uch later, I was to learn that it had been about her, not
about me.
So I was out. Now what?
I knew I was going to have to do things differently to make
up this whole new life for myself. I was going to need to make
some changes and acquire some new habits and beliefs. I could not
expect different results doing all the same things that lead me to
that point in my life.
After being disappointed with who I was impersonating and
bored to death with the image of what everyone else wanted me to
be, I was about to transform myself into another identity. All the
energy I had been using to wallow in my sorrow and self-pity
began to shift. I started to get my power back after years of the
mental abuse of my self-esteem. I could feel the possibility of a
new life beginning to emerge. I was becoming emotionally stronger
than I had ever been. I was taking on the world and I was doing it
quite well!
Overcoming years of false beliefs can take its toll on a
person. Learning new truths and ideas takes time and diligence. It
can get so confusing and be so detrimental to everything a person
has been taught.
We all grow up listening to, and incorporating, the beliefs

that have been handed down from generation to generation.

Sometimes we become adults keeping those beliefs and sometimes
we find out different truths and change our beliefs. The latter is
what I was doing.
I began to read books but not anything fictional. I selected
books that made me question what I had been taught so far. These
were books such as Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill and
The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz. I read books by
Wallace Wattles, Dale Carnegie, Tony Robbins, and Norman
Vincent Peale. I knew the most important person to work on was
me and these guys said I had to change my thinking in order to do
so.
I shifted my focus and thoughts from fear, doubt, and
disbelief, to faith, courage, and truth. I did the things that made my
experience on this planet more pleasant and appealing to me. I did
the things that made me happy on a daily basis. I made sure to
stay positive and cheerful no matter what I was going through.
Reading all those good books taught me that it was most
important to remain calm and know that all things come to pass.
They taught me about how powerful my thoughts are on my
subconscious. They taught me that when I expected good things,
good things would happen. If I chose to expect a bad thing, that
bad thing would also happen.
You can bet I kept my thoughts on good things as much as I
possibly could.
New friends began coming into my life. Those friends had no

idea of my previous persona and had no judgments of me. Those

friends supported me when I emerged and came forward. They
supported the me I wanted to honor and had waited my entire
life to meetthe me I was Created to be. They seemed to really
like that me and so did I.
I tried to explore religion. I remember how my relatives said
they were always happy at church. M y son and I went to several
different churches trying to find a home and a family. I didnt like
the way I felt when I was surrounded by these people. It was more
about the person they wanted me to convert to than being okay
with the person I was.
Then I found Spirituality. Spirituality gave me hope.
Spirituality taught me that I was perfect just the way I was born.
It taught me that I was created in the exact likeness of the Creator.
I began to think, Well, if I am the exact likeness of Creator
and It created me, who am I to refuse to live the way I was created
to be? Who am I to say no to Creator? Talk about ballsy! It was
okay to be me!
I expanded my library and read books by Wayne Dyer,
Louise Hay, and Florence Scovel Shinn. These people taught me
that everything is perfect because everything is because of Creator.
No need to fear anything.
I found a spiritual community where I learned about Jesus,
the Dali Lama, Buddha, and more. I surrounded myself with likeminded individuals who believed in something bigger than ourselves
and didnt have to put a big label on it or a specific name. We knew

Creator was not some big white guy, sitting on a jeweled throne,
with a long, fluffy, white beard wearing a gold letter G around his
neck.
The first night I went to this new spiritual church, the leader
of the community I had just joined began to teach us about a book
by Jerry and Esther Hicks called Ask and It Is Given. This book
was perfectly placed before me as soon as I was ready to hear the
information. As they say, when the student is ready, the teacher
will appear. All the learning I had experienced until now had
prepared me for this book. This is when it all clicked for me.
I applied all of the principles in Ask and It Is Given. I did all
of the exercises, most of which I still do today. This is the Law of
Attraction, broken down into bites that I could understand. I was
getting it.
We get what we think about. No matter what we think about,
we get it. Fortunately for us, it is not an immediate response to our
thoughts. But, over time, what we think about, we bring about
good, bad, and ugly.
So I began to fill my life with things that made me happy. I
only allowed positive influences around me whenever possible. I
quit watching the news and reading the newspapers. I quit
watching those crime and detective shows, also known as murder
and mayhem around my household. We no longer watch any type
of gossip entertainment shows to peer in on other human beings
lives and affairs. Cops is no longer my favorite Saturday night
show.

I watched the movie The Secret by Rhonda Byrne seventeen

times. It didnt watch it all those times because I didnt get it the
first sixteen times but because I got something new out of it every
time I watched itnew rules to live by, new beliefs, and new
habits.
I rented personal development movies and paid strict
attention to them. I would imagine the narrator speaking directly to
me as if to be handing the secrets to life to me freely and joyously!
I became like a little kid on Christmas morning! I found joy at my
center. I was becoming happy and excited about life.
I bought meditation CDs, spiritual DVDs, books, magazines,
and cards. I created a nightly ritual that I still use to this day:
Before I sleep, I read a bit of a great book. Next, I journal about
how I desire my life to look and set my intentions for the next day.
After I journal, I listen to a great meditation with my headphones
and fall blissfully to sleep.
Doing all of this before I go to sleep sets me up to create
magic while I am sleeping. When the last thing I am focused on
before I go to sleep is positive brain food, then that is what my
subconscious feeds on for the next eight hours until I give it
something new to devour.
If I go to sleep having just watched shows about murder and
mayhem, guess what my subconscious and grey matter is focused
on? Thats rightmore murder and mayhem.
I was beginning to see that re-programming my mind for
success was not that difficult. But, it did take dedication and

persistence. I was opening my mind to new thoughts and beliefs. I

was listening. I was hearing. I was practicing and I was manifesting.
It seemed as though I could not get enough of this type of
information into my mind! Still to this day, I thirst for this
knowledge because it tells me over and over that my thoughts
create the world I live in and my reality and my experiences. This
is the kind of stuff I prefer to read and absorb into my mind.
I was and am learning how to create the life I do want and
not the life I dont want.
Every day we get better and better at creating the lifestyle
we desirethe way we love our life to look and not the way we
dont!
Coming out was key in destroying the roadblocks in my life.
Continually living a false life began to wear on me. It sapped all my
energy. I kept thinking about how miserable I was. It turned out
that the more miserable I thought I was the more miserable I
became.
I didnt know just how different my life would be when I
was authentic with myself and all those around me. I was happier.
Life meant something different to me. I was able to find real love. I
was able to feel real love, while being the person I was born to be.
In April of 2000, at the Cathedral of Hope in Dallas, Texas, I
met the woman of my dreams. She set my world on fire and we
have been blazing together ever since.
At the time we met, she was working at a junkyard selling
car parts. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She told me she wanted to be a chiropractor and I said, Lets do

it! To make a long story short, we loaded up everything we
owned, my ten-year-old boy, and three dogs and moved to Kansas
City so Cheryl could attend the chiropractic college there.
She had already achieved two degrees from her years in
college but photojournalism didnt have much appeal for her after
graduation. The media was told what to write and how to write it.
Cheryl didnt want anyone telling her how to write the stories she
saw.
We became a team to be reckoned with. Everyone saw us as
the perfect couplealways happy and always blissful. We did our
best to spread love and happiness wherever we went. People
noticed. We always left people bigger than when we found them
and still do.
The time came for Cheryl to graduate and greet the world as
a Doctor of Chiropractic. She did a magnificent job in school and
achieved magna cum laude status! She is a very determined woman
and she completed what she set out to do. I knew nothing could
stop us.
We headed east to Raleigh, North Carolina, where life would
throw us a great many curve balls. We met a doctor who was
looking for an associate at his practice. We jumped at the chance
for Cheryl to be working as soon as she graduated. It turned out
that he was not a well-intentioned fellow and after eight months of
working with him we left.
A woman we had met had been trying to sell her chiropractic

office so we arranged a deal with her and rolled up our sleeves and
went to work. In the beginning, we struggled. There were a lot
more hours of idle time rather than patient time. We were making it
work but it was tough.
Then came a blow we just couldnt deal with. The first
doctor that Cheryl had been working for decided to not pay her the
$25,000 he owed her. That cut us to the bone, and he knew it. He
also knew we could not afford an attorney to fight him. We were
still too new to have overflowing bank accounts.
We ended up losing our Toyota Tundra truck, our Springdale
travel trailer, and came very close to losing our home because of
what he had decided to do to Cheryl. There was nothing left to do
but declare bankruptcy. So, we cut the rope and freed ourselves of
the financial noose and decided to start all over.
The moment we made that decision to declare bankruptcy,
we had the emotional freedom we so badly needed. What looked
like tragedy was really a blessing in disguise. We knew it and we
were so grateful.
We enrolled in months of classes of transformation through
experiential learning. We met transformation leaders from all over
the world. We held onto every word they said. We have traveled
many miles t o exp os e ours elves t o informat ion t hat has
transformed our lives. We have done the work and now we are
being rewarded.
We have a new being-ness about us now. We know that we
always achieve what we set out to do. We also know that the only

real enemies we have are ourselves and our thinking. We are bold
enough to declare what we desire and go after it.
M eeting Daniel Gutierrez has been instrumental in our
spiritual growth. Daniel has taught us that when we trust in life,
life gives us what we desire. When we know beyond a shadow of
doubt that we are taken care of, everything gets taken care of. We
know that everything we could ever want is at our fingertips and
when we trust in Creator enough, what we desire comes to fruition.
The evidence of our belief, faith, and trust manifests itself for us.
Harrison Klein taught us about quantum physics and how
everything is energy. He taught us that our thoughts become things
by shifting little energy packets around to form the physical
portion of the thought: more evidence.
M ost people on the planet have a skeleton or two in their
closets. It may not be about your sexual preference but there is a
skeleton in there somewhere. There is something you have not
wanted to admit to anyone and something that you think would
mar you and ruin your reputation and image. Well, believe me, it is
so much more important, pleasant, and fun to live on the planet
and not have anything to hide than it is to keep things from the
people you love.
So far, we have created a thriving wellness center where Dr.
Cheryl is a hero among patients. I am their comic relief and I must
say that I do a mighty fine job of providing fun and frivolity to the
center.
We created a website called www.LearningToLiveOUTLoud.com

and a Facebook page known as Learning to Live OUT Loud. We

launched Tell Bullying to Take a Hike and then we hiked five
hundred miles of the Appalachian Trail, with forty-five-pound
backpacks, in two months to bring about more awareness to the
senseless act of bullying. We found a lot of love in those woods!
I have come to realize there are few things as important as
being authentic to who I am. Having nothing to hide means the
freedom to think the way I like and embrace every nuance I
discover while being me! It means the freedom to make decisions
based on how I feel rather than what society thinks I should do and
the freedom to create my future based on new beliefs and ideals. It
means the freedom to love the way I choose to love and the
freedom to create my life, with nothing to hide, in absolute truth
Being grateful and happy is a huge component of who I am.
When I became openly gay, I became happy at my core. That
allowed me to experience my life from a whole different set of
eyes.
Coming from a state of gratitude tells Universe I am worthy
of more miracles.
The more we notice the little miracles in our everyday lives
and can be as happy as a kid on Christmas morning, the more
Creator doles out on us. Coming from a state of glee will do more
to align your spirit with the vibration of the Universe than most
anything else. So be that kid! Go find something that makes your
heart soar!
One more little tip from my observations of life so far, is to

find the lessons in absolutely everything we experience, no matter

what it may be. No matter how tragic, find something to be grateful
for and you will be learning the lessons you need to learn.
When we have completed a lesson, and have learned what we
are supposed to learn, we no longer experience that lesson in our
lives. Being in a grateful state of mind helps us learn the lessons
much more quickly, and much more happily, I might add.
Go out and be bold. Stop hiding who you really are. Embrace
the you that your Creator made you to be. As I said, who am I to
judge what Creator designed for me? Who are you to judge what
Creator has designed for you? The more we get in the way of
Creators plan, the less time we have to experience the love, joy,
and bliss that Creator intends for all of us. The quicker we get the
lessons and get out of the way, the more fun we will have.
I am really loving who I am and not acting who Im not.
-

Journey #4 Freedom Comes Through

Having Faith That All is Well
by Dr. Cheryl Hanly
-

A tornado had just touched down in Fort Worth, Texas. It

was Friday afternoon. Our first date was that following Sunday
after church.
We went to a movie together and then spent what seemed
like hours walking through the aftermath of the storm. We were
filled with amazement and awe, mostly for each other, but for the
storm too.
It was months before I spent another night away from
Shenna. It was love at first sight! She completed me in every way. I

think she started completing my sentences before our second date.

Her son, M ical, was a loving, eleven-year-old with lots of
creativity and enthusiasm. He and I would play catch or talk about
cars while his mom prepared scrumptious meals for us. I made the
perfect stepmom for M ical. I loved sports and I knew a lot about
cars.
I hadnt imagined or planned on having a family before
meeting Shenna. It was Cup-of-Soup quick. Being around Shenna
just felt good. Why would I argue with that?
We were the perfect threesome until our brand new family
experienced its first major updraft. According to Shennas son, she
didnt want to feel like she was being put through a tree-mulcher.
Things were volatile between them at that time and she was
scared. We had a choice. We could cower in fear and be limited by
all the things he might do to us, or we could take action.
I was great at taking action! I knew nothing good could come
from the tree-mulcher and I wasnt going to play with domestic
violence. I loaded Shenna and M ical into my car and sent
them heading north, out of harms way.
All I knew was that I didnt want her to get hurt and there
was a safe refuge for her in Kansas City. I would stay behind and
tie up loose ends in Texas so we could begin our next chapter.
Shenna and I had spent time talking about our future
together. I told her I wanted to become a chiropractor and she said,
Lets do it! We had already planned to make a move to Kansas
City so I could attend Chiropractic College there. We just hadnt

planned on leaving within the week!

The move transpired seamlessly. Well, almost seamlessly.
Failure was not an option, however. We were clear on our ultimate
goal. It didnt matter what obstacle was thrown in our way, we
persevered.
We were still chasing our dreams. The time frame was
different then we had originally planned, but we were on course.
I started chiropractic college just before the 9-11 tragedy. It
was an eighteen-hour-per-day commitment. Shenna worked fulltime and took care of the household. We went camping and fishing
every chance we got to blow off steam. We believed our
determination would bring us the freedom we were looking for.
It was during this time when we met Sandy. In the less-thanfour years we knew her, Sandy taught me valuable lessons. Sandy
was an amazing human being. She had just completed chemo for
colon cancer when we met her. Not long after we met, we took her
to a weeklong womens musical festival in the one-hundred-degree
M ichigan heat. Never once did she complain about it being too hot
or having to walk too far. Sandy was a radiant light, finding good in
every situation.
In spite of losing her brother just a few years before to
cancer, Sandy didnt give in or give up. I had never known anyone
with cancer before. Sandy had faith. Sandy trusted. She wasnt
interested in the odds. Sandy was alive and she acted like it.
She always went for it! She lived in the moment, for the
moment. Sandy taught me that there is no such thing as a bad day

some are just more fun than others. She received love and gave it
back tenfold. She taught me how a patient acted when he or she
wanted to live. She taught me to listen to and for the patients
experience.
Sandy taught me about unconditional love. She taught me
that I could trust others with my heart. She taught me about faith
and living while I am alive. Sandy was not imprisoned by her
disease but empowered by it to make the most of every day.
Even her passing was amazing. She was at peace and
surrounded by people who loved her. It was the first time I had
been with someone who died and as she took her last breath it was
the most magical thing I had ever seen. I instantly felt Sandy as my
newest angel. I knew she would help make sure that I had options
for my patients who were in her situation.
Sandys transition happened just months before Shenna went
on to North Carolina to prepare the beginning of our next chapter.
It was time for our dreams to become a reality. I was becoming a
doctor. We were going to have our own clinic and we were going to
finally be prosperous!
I graduated magna cum laude from Cleveland Chiropractic
College in August of 2005. Like the Indigo Girls say, I got my
paper and I was free! Free! All of those hours spent in class and
clinic had added up to that moment! I am free!
Now what?
Going to North Carolina was done in complete faith and
trust although, at the time, we did not realize this. We fell in love

with the mountains and the beach and knew we wanted this place
to be our next home. Where? We had no idea!
Shenna had gotten a job in IT Sales in Raleigh. So, that was
the placement of the first dart! We left with everything we could fit
in our Yukon and headed for Raleigh, North Carolina!
When we arrived in Raleigh from our two-day journey, we
found a great apartment located less than two miles from where
Shenna would work. It was perfect, of course. They let us move
right in. We unloaded the Yukon and went in search of garage sales
to furnish the new apartment.
We had faith that we would find everything we were looking
for. We found a perfect sofa, some tables and dressers, and even a
functioning washing machine and dryer that someone had
discarded. We were set!
I arrived in North Carolina eight months after Shenna moved
into her apartment. M y first job was with a veteran doctor who
would help teach me the ropes. I didnt know yet that he was
talking about a noose around my neck! His clinic was the first of
several stepping-stones for me. It was a few years before I could
see the real gifts from this experience in my life.
We had a great beginning! It was fun and I was excited to be
making a difference in peoples lives. Shenna was with me every
day and we were learning how to run a practice. Or, so we thought.
The doctor was a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and it was his evil
side that finally came to our attention, letting us know it was time
to move on! I always knew I wanted to have my own clinic. His

behavior was solidifying that knowledge. We would come to be

very grateful that this happened sooner rather than later, but in that
moment, it was very scary.
The relationship with that doctor terminated almost exactly
one year after it had begun. I was without a practice, without
patients, and without money. Shenna had quit her job in IT to do
marketing for me. We felt devastated.
We soon realized it was the catalyst we needed to do some
much-deserved soul searching about what was most important to
us. We enrolled in some personal development courses and started
learning how to create with intention rather than by accident.
M y first job as a doctor was to be just one of the many ebbs
and flows that we would experience in the years to come. With
each experience, we learned a little more and our faith in the
universal principles grew.
I was learning that true freedom comes through having faith
that all is well.
M any years and many lessons later, I understand that the
universe has its own timing and its own agenda. I know
experientially that the universe is full of infinite possibility.
I have learned that it isnt up to me whether or not I
experience the lessons, but it is up to me whether I experience
them with joy or with pain.
There was a time during which Shenna and I decided we were
ready to move on. We had a calling to, hit the road. We wanted to
get in our RV and go. We didnt care where, we were just ready to

go! We were going to sell everything and drive around the country,
teaching people to be happy and healthy and live life from a place
of passion and possibility.
The universe had a bit to say about the way this one would
play out.
Hitting the road initially implied we would sell the house and
the practice, we would store anything worth keeping, and we
would simply dispose of the rest. We would then buy a camper
and we would be off!
The more the idea festered with Shenna the less patient she
became. She was ready to move! She started packing up the house
and selling stuff.
That was good. She was taking action and proving to the
universe the sincerity of her desires. It wasnt until she started
repeating the statement, Fuck it! They can take the house! I dont
care, when all Hell broke loose!
It wasnt long before a foreclosure notice was taped to our
front door!
The statement, Be careful what you ask for, took on a
whole new meaning for me!
Clarity is a must! Janet Atwood taught me that.
I learned that lesson the painful way. I could have chosen to
allow the universe to conspire for us and bring to us the people,
places, and things necessary to realize the desires of our heart.
Instead, we lost faith and asked for something different. We let fear,
doubt, and disbelief creep in and take hold!

Fuck it! became a more predominant thought than, Faith

It until We M ake It!
Shenna and I had a come-to-Jesus meeting after that! We
surrendered and asked for help or some sort of sign. We were
brought mentors and teachers. This time, the student was ready.
Harrison Klein reminded me that I am an infinite and divine
gift from our Creator. He taught me that the words I Am are the
two most powerful words in the Universe. He taught me that
everything in the Universe is energy and wherever my energy
packets are vibrating is exactly the energy I am creating from. He
introduced me to the expansiveness of our quantum universe and
opened my mind to the world of infinite possibility.
Daniel Gutierrez reminded me that everything I could
possibly desire is at the fingertips of my awareness. There is no
separation between me and Source.
Daniel taught me a prayer, Help me to dream so big, oh
God, that only you can help.
He has helped Shenna and me to stop believing in the
consciousness of error thoughts and to start focusing on and
believing in unlimited abundance and prosperityour God-given
right. No separation.
We still desire the freedom of the open road, but now I am
doing my best to stay out of the way and allow the Universe to do
its magic and deliver to me my hearts desires. I know that as long I
remain joyful, happy, and patient and exercise faith, the Universe
will bring me my most dominate thought!

I still have my pity parties occasionally. I get bothered by

the timing of the Universe and I want to hit the road so bad. When
this happens, I will dust off my throne and sit down in a huff and
decide I want to take over as General M anager of the Universe! I
will say, Lets do this my way!
Universe responds in kind, Yeah right!
I have a dear friend in Texas. We call him Profit Darryl. Profit
Darryl would always remind me, It didnt come to stay! It came
to pass! And then theres Daniel, again, saying, Its okay to go
there. Not okay to stay. I am able to get out of the doldrums and
realm of error thoughts much quicker than before.
If I can stay out of the way, Universe has a gentle way of
nudging me back on track when I falter. If I receive inspiration and
ignore it, I am generally shown again. If I choose to ignore it again,
there is usually some sort of consequence. I am very grateful that I
have learned to slow down and heed those moments of clarity most
of the time.
I know I am always provided for. I know what I resist
persists. M ost of the time I remember all I can do is all I can do,
and all I can do is enough. I have learned that swimming with the
current is much easier than trying to cling to shore. I know that
every possibility exists and I get to choose the outcome I wish to
experience.
I choose freedom!
-

Journey #5 Guardian of the Will

Ed Duffe
-

It all began one fine summer day in 1980. The blissful smell
of freshly cut grass hung lazily in the air (maybe it didnt but, just
for fun, lets pretend it did). I was in the front garden, happily
kicking my ball against the wall. I was not yet old enough to play
with the big kids.
The sun felt warm on my five-year old legs. Blue shorts with
a dark red t-shirt were my attire. A cheap pair of runners
completed a look that I would someday hope to forget.
M y older brother was playing football with his friends on
the green opposite. There was an avenue in between the green and
the front garden. I saw my brother give the ball a good thump. I

found myself seething with anger as I realized that I could not kick
like that yet.
I screamed, I can do that too, and gave my ball a ferocious
kick. To my utter astonishment, the ball sailed straight over the
wall, which was about three feet high. I was elated and I
immediately ran after the ball, as I wanted to relive that elation as
soon as possible.
I ran straight in front of a car, which, admittedly, isnt very
advisable in most instances.
It has taken me many years to recover the following
memory:
It all went black. Then the light came and everything turned
white. I thought that I must be in Heaven. There was a red cross in
the air. I heard a voice asking me whether I wanted to stay or go
back. The voice told me I had great things to accomplish but that if
I decided to go back, it wouldnt be easy. I wanted to go back to
see my mum again so thats what I chose. The voice told me Id
forget all this until I was ready to process it. Then the light was
gone, my vision slowly faded back to black and I had a tremendous
headache. I came to on the sitting room couch with people bustling
about, wailing, screaming, and generally making a fuss.
M y journey had begun.
At this point, allow me to recount an incident from around
this same period.
When I was younger, maybe age four, five, six or somewhere
around there, I happened to be watching television one afternoon

when a program came on called Going Strong.

The program was on Route 1, the Irish national television
network. Back then we had only two stations. The hosts were
Thelma M ansfield and Derek Davis who both also did other
programs, one was called Live at Three. Going Strong was on
around 2.30 p .m. every weekday aft ernoon and it was
aimed toward old people and the celebration of life.
I s ecret ly had a w is h t o be Sup erman (I s t ill do),
and I immediat ely lat ched ont o t he name G oing St rong
and transformed it into gRowing Strong. I watched the program,
convincing myself that it was giving me superpowers; I could even
feel the change happening inside me.
gRowing strong had a half-hour time slot every day so my
ritual was to watch it while focusing on my desire to be Superman.
For three months I did this every single day without fail, and
every day I found myself having to explain what I was doing.
M y mum and her friends were forever questioning why I
was watching a program for old folks, as they were called back
then. I tried to explain the change I was feeling but I was always
told it was impossible.
I now know I was performing magic with my ritual and focus
and intent.
I eventually stopped watching because explaining myself
every day was too much effort.
In the years since, Ive been hit by a car, overdosed, died,
broken my left hip, had a dislocated shoulder, and many accidents

severe enough to need prolonged hospitalizations.

Yet, still I breathe.
Did, perhaps, growing strong have anything to do with it?
You be the judge.
A five-year-old doesnt comprehend that to run in front of a
car is a bad thing, apparently. That was what the law said, so I was
awarded 5,000.00 ($7,200 USD) compensation. I remember being
very happy with that, but less happy when I was told that I
couldnt access the money until I turned twenty-one.
I remember my first day back at school. I had only started
there a few months before and Id had a break because of the
accident. I re-joined my rebels-in-training. The classroom and
people seemed differentrather far away, lopsided, hostile, and
devoid of color. It was a surreal experience.
I lurched immediately to the back of the class. I felt sure that
I was in an unsafe, alien environment. I had to protect myself.
I managed to secure a position on my schools football team.
Not because I was good, but because I enjoyed being goalkeeper. I
had razor sharp reflexes and I was tall, so I was able to kick the ball
quite far. M y ability to kick a ball farther than all my classmates
was very much appreciated by the coaches.
I was goalkeeper on the school football team for under 10s
and that was the first year the school ever won the regional
championships.
That same year, I was also goalkeeper for the team that won
the under 10s Street Finals. This was pretty much just a collection

of teams, one from each group of houses, playing against each

other in the village where I lived. It was highly prestigious.
M y father was promoted in his job, so the entire family had
to move to a completely different part of the country.
We all left behind what we had knownour friends and our
comfortto start a new life. It must have been hard for each of us
but one of our cats, Sylvester, and I took it hardest of all.
The house where we moved to was leased and furnished. We
had none of our own furniture in that house, except for a single
cupboard that had sliding doors.
Sylvester set up camp in there, often not coming out of the
dark for days. She eventually started to poke her head out quite
frequently. This gradually led to more adventurous forays out to
the garden, and her eventual return to normal functioning. Im quite
sure she was delighted to discover the field behind our house. Im
also quite sure that the local field mice were not as pleased.
School life for me was tough, very tough. I was extremely
sensitive and every day saw me burying myself deeper and deeper
wit hin my self, while simult aneously develop ing an
out ward persona: my game face.
I remember being very good at astronomy in school. As a
young teen, all subjects were taught to us in their basic form and
astronomy was just one of them.
Frequent were the occasions where I just knew about the
stars without knowing how I knew.
For me, this life thing was strange enough as it was. I felt

as though I were an actor taking stage directions. I stood here and I

stood there. I said this and I said that. I always tried to behave in a
manner that was consistent with what I thought was expected of
me. However, there seemed to frequently be somebody telling me I
was wrong, even though I was just doing what somebody else
had told me was right.
Im almost positive that everybody suffers this same
problem, but I seemed to have an uncanny awareness for peoples
hypocrisy. If somebody told me something one day, then three
months later said the exact opposite, Id be sure to remember what
they had said before and Id just end up confused.
Throughout my teen years, I constantly felt alienated. I was
incapable of relating to the world around me. It just didnt seem
right to me. I was utterly dismayed at the way people treated each
other, never seeming to care about anybody but themselves.
I frequently went into a frenzy of helping as many people as
I could, in any way that I could, and my help had often gotten me
in trouble with the police. That may seem very strange to many
people, but I wanted to help. If somebody was doing something he
or she shouldnt, I was more than happy to help where I could. All
this right and wrong business just didnt sit well with me.
However, I would never break my own moral code, such as taking a
life or mugging an old lady.
It was very strangeI could barely step on a spider without
thinking of the bad I was doing.
Being brought up Cat holic, I was quit e familiar wit h

God. However, the concept of God that was presented to me was

of God as a man with a long beard that sits in the clouds and
passes judgment.
I couldnt grasp that. So, I invented my own concept of God
that I labeled s ome s ort of p ow er in t he U nivers e.
A ft er much deliberation, I refined my definition of God to be
Nature. That made a lot more sense to me and, as my later
findings were to prove, not too far out of left field, as it were.
M y confusion only got worse as the years progressed. I
found some solace in alcohol and various drugs. I hit on a great
solution when I was fifteen or so.exercise. I spent about four
years doing little else except exercise. I actually became one of the
top teen athletes in my country.
As age seventeen, almost age eighteen, I got word that the
legal age for receipt of my compensation had been reduced from
twenty-one to eighteen. I was overjoyed. However, in hindsight, it
probably wasnt such a good thing. I remember becoming ecstatic
when I learned that my 5,000 was now 28,000 ($7,000 was now
$56,000). This amount of money was unheard of back in the day.
M ost people had to work their entire lives in order to accumulate
that amount of money. As an eighteen-year-old, 28,000 was like
winning the lottery.
I received little to no advice on how best to handle my
money. Not being familiar with the concept of wealth
consciousness, I set about handling my money by myself. All I
could think of was that I should probably spend my money, which

I set about doing.

I accumulated many friends, all of whom were eager to share
my newfound fortune. Several months of non-stop drug taking and
alcohol consumption followed. It was a whirlwind, doomed to end
nowhere good. Looking back now, if I take that segment of my life
in isolation, I did have some good times.
After some time had elapsed, I decided to make my way to
London. One thing led to another and, before long, I took to
begging on the streets. I got very heavily into drugs and alcohol,
had many fights, brush-ins with the law, affairs, suffered a
psychosis, was in and out of hospital, and sundry other not-sogood things happened.
I took to self-injury to try to cope with the escape
mechanism of drug-fuelled psychosis that I had inflicted upon
myself. Basically, I was trying to fix a problem by engaging in more
of the behavior that had caused the problem in the first place. This
is known as paradoxical coping and most of us do it every day,
not knowing that there are alternatives.
This era of my life ended when I was twenty years old with
a heroin overdose.
I came to just before Christmas of 1996. I had no idea where
I was. I thought I had been drinking and passed out on someones
floor. It seemed obvious, as I had been prone to do that on
occasion.
Somebody came into view and immediately asked, Do you
know what happened to you? Confusion set in as I found that I

couldnt move or speak. The lady told me that I had overdosed and
had been in a coma for close to four months.
I began to cry then, feeling some relief that I was able to do
so.
I slowly improved during the coming year. Daily therapy of
all sorts helped a lot.
The next decade is a blur of dep ression, suicide
attemp ts, p sy chiatric intervention, abuse, starvation,
dehy dration, and numerous other altered states of consciousness.
None of them are deserving of detailed recounting.
In the summer of 2009, I was desperately searching for a
way to improve my life. I found partial answers in esoteric texts,
Aleister Crowley and the like.
One day as I was researching, I found something called the
Law of Attraction. I ignored it as I was of the opinion that my
attractiveness was the least of my worries.
However, day after day, the Law of Attraction thing
started to pop up more and more frequently. I decided to follow a
link, fully expecting to be led to a dating site. Instead, I was on a
page that didnt make much sense and it recommended a movie
called The Secret to find out more. I got a copy and watched it. I
couldnt make heads or tails of it, and turned it off half-way
through.
I again returned to my esoteric texts. In about August 2009,
my sister recommended a book to me. It was an old book, and
didnt mention the Law of Attraction at all. It was a book aimed at

smoking cessation.
I read the entire thing in two days. I was enthralled with the
idea that a seemingly physical problem could be overcome by the
mind.
I was eager to find more things like that, so I restarted my
research. I was repeatedly led back to The Secret, so I decided to
watch it again. It made so much sense that I found it difficult to
understand how I was confused the first time. I put a few of the
concepts into use, mostly the bit about responsibility.
I was amazed at how much more in control of my life I now
was once I took responsibility for it and stopped expecting others
to change their ways just to appease me.
I understood that The Secret was just an introduction, so I
devoted the next year to round-the-clock learning.
What I discovered was life-changing for me. If theres one
thing Ive learned, its this: Everything has a reason. Embrace who
you are, even if all odds seem against you. Become One with
yourself and accept your Divine nature. You are not alone. You are
a luminous manifestation of Divine perfection. Yes, that perfection
knows no limits. God accepts me even though Im in a wheelchair.
In God, all things are possible.
-

Journey #6 Growing Up in Tamale

Lucy Vajime
-

I grew up in the small town of Tamale, in Ghana, West

Africa. Ghana was a country to be noticed even in the early fifties
because of its charismatic first President, Dr. Kwame Nkrumah,
who led the then Gold Coast to in d ep en d en ce in 1 9 5 7 af t er
gain in g indep endence from Brit ain, it s colonial master.
Even as a young child, the name Kwame Nkrumah was
immersed in my psyche. We always heard the name on the radio
and often heard him deliver speeches in his peculiar cadence that
roused us all t o admire him. T he s p eeches us ed t o be
p unct uat ed intermittently by, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. These
choruses must have come from his political admirers and

propagandists at the time, but it definitely instilled an impression

on us about the type of leader we had.
We loved his charisma, his personality, and his beautiful
Egyptian wife. In pictures, she always stood by his side, dressed
in a kente skirt and top. Sometimes their lovely, chocolatecolored children, Samia and Gokeh, were paraded in front of them.
In the early fifties, Tamale was a small town in Northern
Ghana. It was, and still is, the capital of the Northern region. At
that time, Ghana was administered through eight regions: Northern
region, Upper region, Brong Ahafo region, Ashanti region, Greater
Accra region, Eastern region, Western region, and Volta region.
Approximately a decade ago, however, the Upper region was split
in two to form Upper East and Upper West regions. There are now
ten regions in Ghana.
Tamale was a closely-knit town. Several of the houses, such
as the ones on the way to my grandmothers house, were built of
mud bricks and had a thatched roof. There were a few government
houses, mostly inherited from the British, the former colonial
masters of the budding West African country. These houses were
built of cement blocks. To my young eyes, Tamale seemed to be
linked by six main, tarred roads that met in the center of town
where the main market was located. M y mother used to send Yaa,
my older, paternal cousin, who was brought all the way from Togo,
to help my mother ease our learning of Ewe, my fathers language,
because that was the only language Yaa knew.
Yaa helped my mother take care of us. She also helped with

errands and I used to accompany her to the market sometimes. In

my imagination and my narrow scope of the world, the market
square was in the center of town. There were bars sprawled around
and, most of the time, their loud gramophones blared out the
popular Highlife music of E. T. M ensah, Bosue, M ansa e Biibi
Bao, and Abele. They sang popular tunes when I was growing up.
I remember the house where I grew up. It was one of twelve
customized, two-bedroom, stone houses built for government
workers. The houses stood in rows of three in the front and four,
from the sides. M y father worked for the Electricity Corporation
so we were privileged to live in one.
The house had a yard, a kitchen, and conveniences. The
living room sat between the two bedrooms, with M aames (our
mother) on the left and Papas on the right. A long wall leading
from the sides of both bedrooms enclosed the yard and ended
where the adjoining kitchen and other conveniences were situated.
I must have been between four and six because I hadnt
started school yet. I remember that M aames bed had four big
poles that supported a mosquito net. The mosquito net dressed the
bed at night and was folded up in the morning. In the afternoons
when I slept, I found myself on that bed. M y older sisters and
brother were not home then. Only Aggie, the fifth born; M onica,
the sixth; and me, the seventh, were home. It appeared that even
Paulie, my younger sister and the last born, had not yet been born.
Later, I learned from M aame that Paulie was one of a set of twin
girls, born prematurely at seven months. Her twin died after birth

but the doctors kept Paulie in an incubator for three months. When
my mother went to feed Paulie, people around her would tell her to
forget about that lizard because there was no way it could
survive. When she brought Paulie home, she would wrap her in a
towel to keep her warm, gave her cod liver oil, and dabbed her skin
with oil after baths. Paulie made it. She transformed from a slim girl
to a plump woman who is now in her thirties and works in the
insurance industry in New York.
There were eight kids and I was the seventh in line. By that
time, I couldnt have been six because I wasnt in school yet. There
were no nursery schools then. To begin school in those days, one
had to know how to count from one to ten, and know how to recite
the alphabet. And you werent qualified to start class one until you
were able, when reaching your right hand over your head, to touch
your left ear.
I also remember when M onica fell off M aames bed one
afternoon. Three of us were recuperating from measles and we
were lying on my mothers bed. M onicas case was the worst
because she had also developed whooping cough. She had a seizure
of a cough and, as she struggled to catch her breath, fell off the bed.
As a child, the roads seemed simple. I figured there were five
main roads that would lead you wherever you wanted to go, but
which all met in the same market square. One road from the market
doodled southward and nestled past the main storesthe Ghana
National Trading Company and the United African Company,
where my mother bought Dutch print on retail to sell to her

customers in the market. That road continued past the Kingsway

stores, past the old bakery to the new hospital and led to Kumasi,
the capital city of the Ashanti region. Along the way was a
junction and the turn to the right, just opposite the old Court, was
the cemetery road, along which the first house my family lived in,
in Tamale, was situated. Another road from the market square led
to Aboabu market, where food was brought in from the Brong
Ahafo region. Items such as plantains, bananas, cocoyams, palm
nuts, and oranges were unloaded from big, long wooden trucks. The
road continued on to Lamashegu and out through Yapei to the
Brong Ahafo region.
A third road meandered past the Butchers shop, the
Electricity corporation where my father worked, past the junction
to the Radio Station, and farther down to the Bishops M iddle
School where I spent two years before entering secondary school.
That road continued as a dirt road to Kunbungu. A woman sold
fried y ams and a second, kaklo, a delicacy made of soft
rip ened plantains, spiced and fried in palm oil, which pupils from
the bishops middle School relished. Then there was the Bolga
road. All these were great landmarks that were pretty known
because they were the main roads and because they were few, there
was no big deal.
M y house was situated on the old cemetery road and many
times we witnessed processions walk past, some in somber moods,
others were accompanied with loud bands and big crowds,
drumming and singing. A few yards away from this same road was

my first school, United Primary School, which is still there.

By the time I started school, M aame had built her own
house. She built a compound house further down the same old
Cemetery road, but this time on the left side of the road. (Our first
house was on the right side.) The house was square with sixteen
rooms. The rooms in the corners were described as chamber and
hall, and the rest were single rooms, with a private bathroom and
toilet for my family and shared ones for the tenants. M y moms
house gave us the privilege of living in our own house and the
added income from the rooms she let out.
An important feature of the house was that it had a standing
pipe from which outsiders could fetch water, for a fee, after the
people in the household had filled their drums and pots. For some
reason, water was not pumped into Tamale from the main pipes
during the day. The water workers had a funny idea of doing this
only deep in t he night , about 2:00 a.m. t o 3:00 a.m.,
w hen everybody was sleeping. You counted yourself lucky if you
only had to sacrifice one sleep for this essential commodity.
Living in E240 was fun because there were other tenants.
There were more families and many children to play with. There
were people from different ethnic groups who spoke different
languages, so there was plenty to learn and lots of different foods.
There were many options for whom to choose to play with as a
child and whom not to play with. It has been said that variety is
the spice of life. I learned to speak six languages: Ga, Akan,
Dagbani, Hausa and, of course, Gonja and Ewe, my parents

languages.
Long before I menstruated, Naa Akuye had schooled me
about menstruation; she said menstrual blood smelt like fish and
could stain ones clothes in an embarrassing way. Neither my elder
sisters nor my mother told me about menstruation. I was already in
secondary school, form one, age thirteen when I menstruated. Naa
Akuye was the daughter of M r. Addy who lived in one of the
rooms and chamber apartments with four of his children, but
without their mother.
Naa Akuye had big breasts at the time and could cook for the
family. She even told us stories about ghosts and Samanta, the fairy
that always dragged children to the bridges at night. She also taught
us the reason why Ghanaian drivers crossing a bridge in Ghana
always instinctively slow down for Samanta. They wait for her to
gather her children and her long breasts so they would not hurt
them and incur bad luck on their journey. Then there was Kordai,
Akwele, and Fofo who were all younger sisters of Naa Akuye,
with whom we played and formed alliances with about which other
child in the house we would allow in our circles and which ones to
boycott.
By this time I was starting school in the United Primary
School. Kordai, her two younger sisters, Akwele and Fofo, and I
used to walk together to school. Naa Akuye was already in middle
school, so she attended school on Kumasi road where my sister,
Aggie, also schooled. We were of different graduating ages, so we
went in a group and did not need to be chaperoned.

We also had the joy of spending the pennies our parents gave
us on kuli kuli on the way. Kuli kuli was a snack made from
groundnut paste from which the oil had been extracted manually. It
was crisp and crackled in our mouths. It was rolled in rings big
enough to be worn on our slim hands like handbags. Because many
of the United primary school pupils relished this snack and bought
it to eat on their way to and from school, the school was
nicknamed the kuli kuli school.
M y early school days were full of delight. M y class one
teacher, Teacher Afedzi, made learning so easy and enjoyable. We
learned to sing a song with the alphabet, the months in the year,
and the days of the week. We also learned to sing Old Roger is
Dead and Gone to his Grave, Baa Baa Black Sheep, Humpty
Dumpty, and to count to one hundred.
On Friday afternoons, during our game time, Teacher Afedzi
would have us form two parallel lines, facing each other and
holding the hands of the person opposite you. The smaller children
in the class would be picked up, one at a time, and dropped on the
hands. They would then toss the child in the air and it would move
forwards with each fall, to the chorus singing of daw daw oridi ne
daw, Kweku Ananse oridi ne daw and so on. Translated, it means
Kweku Ananse, the Spider and crafty character in Akan folklore,
is enjoying himself, swinging away. By the time the child was
tossed several times in the air and moved steadily to the end
opposite the starting point, Teacher Afedzi would be there to catch
him/her from the air and unto the ground. Then the next petite child

would have his/her turn. There would be giggles all the way
through, from the excitement of being tossed up and down and also
the fear that one may fall to the ground.
Other afternoons we had sports and we ran around the
school block. The school had two main blocks: one housed classes
one to three and the other classes four to six.
A favorite song was, yankee, yankee, ukpololo, alabasa,
femi ob batene, yankee, yankee, yankee, yankee. From the
stringing of the words of this song, one may rightly guess that the
words are meaningless. Actually, the words mimic sounds of the
Yorubas, an immigrant group from Nigeria that was found in every
village in Ghana. In fact, they were so ubiquitous that there was a
saying in Ghana, back then, that if a Yoruba was not found in a
Ghanaian village then that village could not be called one. The
Yorubas also had their peculiar dance and that was what we
mimicked in our afternoon dance on Fridays in United Primary
School. Primary school was a marvelous experience. The relish of
kuli kuli on the way, the joy of learning to count and spell, and the
fact that this was all mixed with play, made school an unforgettable
experience.
With time, we progressed through the classes: class two,
three, four, and five. Before I could finish class five, my second
eldest sister Tina was to take a teaching appointment in a middle
school in Damongo, about sixty miles away from Tamale. M y
parents decided it was a good idea for me to go with her, so she
wouldnt be alone. I could also help her with chores at home. That

is how I graduated prematurely from United Primary School in

Tamale. I left home for the first time in my life to live with my
elder sister. Before then, Paulie, my younger sister, nicknamed
Primie One Pound, because of the circumstances of her birth, had
grown and joined me in United Primary School. She was of small
build and, although six before she started class one, it was said in
school that she was too small to be beaten. Sometimes when she
made us get to school late because she could not walk as fast as we
did, we got punished while she, who caused us to be late, was not
punished.
Her joining us in United Primary School was not all about
gloom. We used to make Paulie go back to M aame as soon as we
stepped out of the house, and ask for more money. This gave us
leverage to buy not only kuli kuli on the way, but also a variety of
niceties that were sold in school during break. These ranged from
wapi and sweets to groundnut brittle, and sweetened roasted
corn flour or rice water.
M aame would reluctantly give her the three pence she asked
for, saying, I know it is Lucy sending you for this money, but
here, just take it and go quickly to school so you dont get there
late.
With Paulie with us in school it was not only punishment for
arriving late sometimes, there were advantages too. We had more
money to spend on the niceties that were sold in school and the
thought of just having a good break time was certainly a good
incentive for us to look forward to going to school. Her being with

us added to the joys of early school life. To date, when I visit

Tamale and pass by the old, dilapidated school, I remember the
good times and healthy times I spent there in the mid-fifties.
M y stay with Tina in Damongo was only for a year. She left
for another posting in Winneba, along the coast of Southern Ghana.
The brief stay there was another phase that will be properly
covered elsewhere. I returned to Tamale after two years with Tina
and was enrolled in the Bishops M iddle School, which is on the
way to Kumbungu.
I was coached for t he Common Ent rance Exam t o
ent er secondary school and was fortunate to pass the exam. I had
the opportunity to join Aggie and M onica in Holy Child School in
Cape Coast.
Aggie was already in the sixth form and M onica in form four
while I was in form one. I spent five years in a Catholic boarding
school run by the Holy Child Sisters. M ost of them were Irish but
there were English teachers there also such as M iss M acavoy who
taught us literature, and M iss Booth, an old woman who celebrated
her eighty-sixth birthday while we were still there, and who taught
us geometry, algebra and equations. There was M adame Phann, our
French teacher, some Americans who taught us biology and
chemistry, as well as some local teachers who had just graduated
from the University of Ghana, Legon.
Holy Child was a different kettle of fish. It was my first
experience in a boarding school, and I experienced, for the first
time, being bullied by seniors and that we Ninos (as we were

called)the new comers in from one of secondary schoolswere

made to feel that we just had to endure being bullied until we
became seniors ourselves.
The other allied extravaganza refers to many other things I
encountered in boarding school.
I enjoyed school. I learned, had fun and, embraced life with
my eyes, ears, brain, and hands open to receive and to share. This
was the reason why coaching came as a big attraction for me and
why I saw it as my next port of call.
I will now explain my understanding of coaching with the
Law of Attraction. I am in my early sixties. I learned about
coaching and how to coach during the last three years. Before then,
I had heard of meditation, but it was not something I practiced.
Since learning to coach, I have experienced the benefits of
meditation and the power of keeping track of the vibration we
offer, and making a conscious effort not to vibrate by default but to
monitor and consciously ensure that I am offering a positive
vibration.
As a child I heard my mom say often, when in a pensive
mood, If you live to a good old age, you will experience many
things. She used to say this when confronted with knotty issues
she had to help solve concerning her extended family members and
life in general. She was the eldest of three siblings and the only girl.
Her brothers had many children from multiple wives and were
relatively less affluent. Other members of her extended family, of
course, added to her issues and problems that needed to be solved;

sometimes those problems were financial.

She had a large family of her own. Her husband, my father,
came from a different ethnic group, and the marriage produced eight
childrenseven girls and one boy. I happened to be the seventh
child. The saving grace was that my dads own extended family
lived more than a thousand miles away from where he settled. M y
mom was also a little removed from her geographical roots. Thus,
in hindsight, I believe they had some space, power, and freedom to
become one, hitch their wagon to a star, and raise their children
t he way t hey want ed and live t heir lives wit hout
interference.
They gave their children an education, knowing that it would
equip them in the future when they were on their own. This
worked out because with more than basic educationmost people
learn better ways to fend for themselves, cope better in a changing
world, and gain independence.
It was from such a background I grew. M y mother was
M uslim and my father was Catholic. They spoke different
languages and came from different cultures but were tolerant of
each other. They lived happily, gave freely, and shared freely. This
meant that from childhood we were exposed to different
perspectives, which is the spice of life. We learned at an early age
to be tolerant of new, different, or exotic cultures and ideas.
We attended public primary schools, then Catholic
secondary schools and secular universities. Coaching came to me
by chance. From childhood, I had adopted an attitude that one

could always explore additional ways of making income and not

necessarily depend on ones main job alone.
M y parents situation could be compared to what Robert
Kiyosaki describes as, rich dad, poor dad, in his book titled the
same. M y dad had basic, formal education given in the Germancolonized African countries. M y mom did not have any formal
education, neither did she learn to read and write. But, her informal
education was rich and full with what we called home sense that
worked every situation. Ironically, she made good money from her
home business, which started small but grew, and enabled her to
build three houses before she died.
A poem I learned as a child had a line that stuck with me. It
was a poem about the seven days of the week and how each day
contributed to the character of a child born on that particular day.
The Thursday child (I was born on Thursday) according to the
poem, had far to go. M aybe that explains my love for travel, for
things new, and the joy of life. M aybe thats why I ended up
marrying a non-Ghanaian. From my study of religion, philosophy,
and universal laws, the laws governing the Universe were a huge
attraction for me. With the changing world, and the Internet,
coaching was an opportunity for me.
To make a long story short, coaching opened my eyes to a
lot that was already latent within me. Of course, my background
and exposure taught me many things such as how to recognize a
church spire when I saw one. For example, I believe in the saying
that, as you make your bed, so will you lie in it. Another

popular saying was, A crab does not give birth to a bird. Both of
these sayings reinforced the Law of Attraction. You get what you
focus on, underlies coaching and encouraging people to create their
desires in life. It is amazing how many wise sayings we hear but
fail to appreciate fully. If we take a moment to study them, there is
no denying how many gems we will uncover. However, in our
everyday lives, we stumble on these gems and when we fail to
ponder them, their deeper meanings are lost to us. This, simply
put, is what coaching is about. Listen and hear the words, but also
notice the vibration that comes with the words. Listen to what is
said and, more importantly, what is not said. That is how the full
picture unfolds, and the vibration of it, since everything is energy.
It does not end there, however.
We know we are human beings made in Gods image and
sharing in His attributes and His creativity. This is what gives us
power. We can tap in to this power before we act. We have heard
this repeatedly, but it has not stayed with us. Ninety percent of
the time, we think we are alone. But, if we took the trouble to
delve into our inner selves, we would act more appropriately. This
is the general attitude, but exposure to coaching urges one to tap
into the Universe to the all-knowing God for inspiration. This is
done through meditation. If our position is that meditation out
there in spite of all its benefits, then we may need to rethink our
position.
I approached coaching with no prejudice. I have learned and
proven many things to myself. Now I am ready to share what I

know and improve my clients lives. Scripture says, If your faith

were like a mustard seed, you would move mountains. It is time
to claim your God-given gifts.
-

Journey #7 Step Into Your Power

Gayla Chepourkoff
-

I wasnt born yesterday, not like this anyway, with light

shining from my eyes anticipating wonderful tomorrows. I was a
baby born in anger and pain, steeped in my mothers anger for nine
months, having heard through her body to both parents screaming
arguments and breaking dishes. No wonder I grew up in anger and
fear!
I grew up physically abused and mentally degraded. I grew
up hating myself and everything around me. There was little joy in
life and what there was, was transient, fragile, and likely to be
followed with a beating or a degrading comment. I still remember
that when I was seven, my mother tied me up and stood across the

room whipping me with a rope until her arm was too tired to
move. Then she collapsed into a chair, weeping bitterly because she
had no more strength in her arm. M y sisters huddled together and
watched and cried in fear.
After my parents separated when I was four, my mother
went off the deep end, mentally, and could not recover. She ended
up in a mental institution for five months at her fathers command.
Our ensuing, temporary, substitute parentsa foster home and
then an orphanagewere no improvement from. Sexual abuse and
violence were the continuing order of the day.
When I was seven, my father died and we were placed back
with my mother who had recovered some sanity, having been
released from the daily pressure of raising four little children. She
resented our intrusion into her life that would have been perfect
and adventurous, now that my father was out of the picture. Since
she did not want the responsibility of personally harming her
children, she found a boyfriend who would ensure we knew about
her displeasure by whipping us daily while she goaded him on.
Since, as children, we loved and needed a mother, and would
sacrifice anything to ensure a mothers love, it took us a long time
to realize what she was doing. We placed the blame on him and not
on the source, which was our mother. He lived with us until I was
twelve. By then, my spirit was totally beaten down and my course
seemed set for life.
In truth though, I know deep down my parents felt love for
me, but they couldnt stay in touch with that love on a continual

basis; they were just doing the best they could. They were simply
overwhelmed with their lives and my three sisters and I happened
to be in their way. It was wrong, but it happened. Eventually my
insight into this situation made me more compassionate, kind, and
loving. I just took the long way around to get there!
I am not writing this to elicit anyones sympathy; but rather
to let the reader know the depths of despair and self-loathing I
grew up with. I had no self-esteem. I had no feeling of love from
the outside or from the inside. I had no sense of boundaries because
they had been violated again and again. I was afraid of my own
body, since it was a constant source of pain. I was fearful of taking
chances. I carried the violence of my home life to those around me,
my sisters, and the pets we had. M y sisters were afraid of me
because I would attack them in anger, as they would attack me.
I was totally afraid of my own inner power. Even at an early
age I knew I could calm and ground people, as I did with my
immediate family, but it did not make life easier for more than a
passing moment. I could calm my mother when she stood in the
middle of the dining room screaming at the top of her lungs, but
within an hour she would be back to her normal self, in a fury at
everything.
There were flashes of brilliance and light in my life growing
up; but there was so much pain I could not focus on them and stay
anchored in the light. I could create a brilliant drawing but I could
not sustain any art. I could imitate my junior high school language
teacher like a parrot but could find no joy in learning. I could see

auras and medical deficiencies in peoples bodies but, again, with

no support, I dropped the attempts to try. The darkness sucked
me in and sucked me dry.
I was born in 1948, which put me in Berkeley High School in
California, class of 1965, right in the heart of the up-swelling of
rebellion, cultural changes, and free sex. Ha! Free, indeed!
I became pregnant at fifteen and had a son at sixteen. I gave
him up for adoption at birth. It was the most agonizing thing I ever
did in my life. I knew it was the right thing to do, since I would
have destroyed him with my anger if I had kept him and raised
him. It was a hard thought, and I could not even stand to think
about it for years. He (bless him!) tracked me down and to my
great joy, we finally met in 2012. He is a wonderful person and I
am eternally grateful for his persistence. Knowing him and hugging
him did a lot to heal the heartbreak of releasing him.
The Rebellion
With no self-esteem I went through a series of lowlife
boyfriends who were not bad guys, they simply held me in low
esteem. At twenty-six I married, hoping for the best, but I knew it
wasnt the real deal. The marriage lasted less than a year. After a
few other boyfriends, I spent thirty-one years with a man who
didnt think I was good enough to marry, but it seemed to be the
best I could do for myself.
For thirty of those years I agreed with his judgment. Then,
something awoke in me. I saw how my life had degraded until it
became a sullen, exhausting battle of wills. I decided I had had

enough. I was tired of pushing my desires, my creativity, and my

drive to be alive down under a rock in my heart.
It was time to get in touch with me.
I am not saying those years were all bad. I had fun and
learned a lot, but it surely wasnt love and it was no longer fun at
all. We had fished commercially for twenty years, setting several
records for the largest catch or for being first to get cooperation
between twelve rival factions of fish buyers. We rebuilt several
boats and worked them and were successfuluntil my boyfriend
accidentally set fire to our ninety-five foot boat.
After we lost all material goods trying to get back on our
financial feet, we turned to the land and raised organic fruits and
vegetables for farmers markets, raised livestock, and I developed
the first of my line of herbal remedies.
By then, the zest was definitely gone from the relationship. I
had graduated from the need to do everything in anger, subjection,
and fear. Nothing done in that much anger is fun! It got to be all
drudgery and I saw that, while he bragged about my talents as
though I were a prize-winning dog, he never truly accepted me for
myself. Conversations had dwindled to several terse sentences of
disagreement and retreat. Hugs and kisses had vanished and sex had
disappeared. Love and smiles were not in evidence, no matter how
hard I searched.
I decided to do what was good for me for a change. After
hearing about Susan M cM orriss class in Womens Self Esteem for a
year or two, I took the class. Susan is now one of my best friends.

I was so resistant to breaking free of my fetters that I missed four

out of the eight classes in the series. There is comfort in the life
you know, even if it is miserable. Thankfully, she let me take the
class again because she saw my progress; I didnt miss a single
class after that.
I was starting to accept and embrace the wonderful changes
that I was creating in my life. I started shedding anger, fear, guilt,
resentment, and my low self-esteem. I let go of the anguish of
giving up my son and got in touch with the total joy of having a
wonderful son and two brilliant grandsons.
I released resentment of my mothers bad treatment. I
stopped being angry with my father for dying when I was seven
years old and deserting me. I let go of the awful feeling of
desolation from the orphanage. I forgave my foster father for
abusing me.
I remember when I looked into a mirror for the first time and
automatically thought, I am beautiful! It was a revelation because
previously, I only looked into a mirror to criticize myself, thinking,
You are fat, you are ugly, your hair is a mess, you are a looser,
and much worse.
I had always been capable of Reiki, which is simply the
transference of energy from the Universe into another person, but I
suppressed it because I did not have a working network to support
it. I was told it cant be done, even as I was doing it! The people
I associated with had no clue about healing other than the standard,
Western way with doctors. When my boyfriend used a cream I had

developed that cleared up his persistent, forty-year-old incurable

psoriasis, the doctor said it was merely a coincidence. Ha! I knew
it could be done; it simply needed a different approach.
Then I took my first class in Angelic Reiki from Janis
Kembel. It was a marvelous revelation! When I told my long-time
boyfriend I was going to take the follow-up M aster Angelic Reiki
class in a few months he said, No you wont. You cant because
we will be busy with farmers markets.
I shut up because I knew no matter what he said that I would
be in that class. It was right for me. It was one more thing I needed
in order to step into my own power. I tried to think of how to
untangle my life from his so that he would be out after thirty-one
years and I would be able to survive. How could I make a living
when we had barely been able to function on two incomes? M y
teachers, both Janis and Susan, told me to not worry; it would sort
itself out in its own time. I didnt totally quit worrying, but I
slowed down sufficiently to let the Universe start its flow of
abundance to me.
And it most certainly did work out. I was able to take the
M aster class in Angelic Reiki without argument because the
boyfriend was out of my life by then, with little more fuss than a
few significant speed bumps. I spent my income as I saw fit and
made enough to survive without his income. Then, little by little, I
started to thrive and bloom. M y clothes changed, my address
changed, and I started smiling from the inside and meaning it.
The freedom to be myself was intoxicating! From reading

M axwell M altzs book, Psycho Cybernetics, several times

throughout the last decades, I knew to not worry about the how.
M altz wrote that if you knew how something would happen, you
would already be there. He said to just focus on what you want
and let the how take care of itself. So, I focused on step-by-step
climbing out of the hole I had been digging all my life. It was scary,
it was exhilarating, it was easy and it was hard. It was rewarding
when people commented on how well I looked. I took many backsteps as I let my low feelings overcome my new buoyancy. But, I
made forward progress all the time.
Stepping in to My Power
From the Womens Self Esteem class, I learned M eridian
Tapping (a version of Emotional Freedom Technique, EFT) and
there was no stopping me after that. I watched YouTube videos on
tapping on the Internet. I read books and watched DVDs. I found
Internet programs with groups of advanced self-help people. I shed
unwanted habits like old, dirty clothes. Fear, anger, guilt, griefit
all started to evaporate with every passing day.
When I took the first Angelic Reiki class, I thought
everything would be sharper and more in focus. I just knew I
would feel more powerful and in charge. To my surprise and
confusion, everything got softer. Then I realized I no longer needed
the rigidity of old righteous anger to hold me up like a corset. I was
supported by my own self-love and my new beliefs.
The Universe supported me just because that is what it does.
I was shedding all those people and things that no longer had a

place in my life. By doing this, I was dropping all that held me

back from stepping into my own power. I was lighter and softer,
and I was shinning more each week. I was powerful in my
softness, so the things that used to daunt me were simply flowing
around me with no effect on me at all. The change was
breathtaking.
Stepping in to Your Power
So just what is your power all about? What does that mean
and how do you reach it? It is what makes you smile when your
feet hit the floor in the morning. If you won the lottery and did not
have to concern yourself with making a living, what would make
you jump out of bed in the morning with excitement? What makes
you smile from the inside? What brings you great joy? That is
where your gift lies. That is the seat of your power.
In Berkeley, California, where I grew up in the 1960s and
1970s when we all wanted to be Ascended M asters. That was a
goal many dreamily pursued. We wanted to be out of the anger,
fear, and confusion of the life surrounding us. We wanted to
become Ascended M asters through meditation, drugs, or some
other magical, mystical way and reach Nirvana to float on a cloud
of happiness for all eternity. No more worries, just eternal bliss.
Sound good? I have news for you. If you are reading this, you
already are an Ascended M aster. I will tell you further that you are
actually a Descended Master, one whose soul has ascended and
decided to descend back to Earth to bring your very special light to
this troubled, roiling, explosively wonderful time. You have chosen

to come to Earth to bring your special gift to light the way for
humanity. You are here to reduce the fear we are programmed with
and to help people reconnect with the spiritual world that feeds us.
There are so many different gifts that we all bring. Edna
Ferber, who wrote the book, So Big, in 1924, said there are two
kinds of people: wheat and emeralds. Each has its function. We
couldnt live without wheat to eat, but we also couldnt live
without the beauty that emeralds bring to our lives.
Although we all are reaching for spiritual growth, you dont
have to be an intuitive magical healer to bring your special gift to
the Earth. M aybe you can help in a neighborhood organic garden.
Perhaps you can volunteer at a boys club to teach auto mechanics
or you can be a preschool teacher. I know the words, Descended
M asters, will resonate with most of you as they did with me
when someone first gave me that phrase. I use it often and see the
joy and relief on peoples faces when they realize who they are and
that there are others who recognize them. There are so many of us
and we can empower each other to light the world.
Accepting Responsibility
Just how do we step into our power? A good place to start is
by taking responsibility for our world. We accept that everything
we see around us is our creation. The job we dont like, the spouse
we resent, the car that wont start, and the apartment thats ugly
and in a poor neighborhoodit is all what we have created. The
beautiful flower garden, the right paint color on the walls, and the
pleasant walk to schoolwe also manifest that. Your world is a

reflection of how you feel about yourself. The Universe is giving

us what we expect. We manifest everything in our lives. If we
accept that one fact, it all gets easier.
If we can create what we do not want, we certainly can create
what we do want. Then we look into our world and find what we
do like and offer gratitude for it. Start small, like the sweet smile
given to you by a child. Isnt that beautiful? Give thanks and leave
it at that.
Start each day by thinking of three things to be grateful for
three different things each day. Do you think you have nothing to
be grateful for? Did you wake up looking at tree roots? No? Give
thanks for waking up. You may be in pain or you may be angry at
the unfair world, but as long as you wake up breathing, there is a
chance to make your life better. Is the sun shining? Give thanks for
that. Is it raining? Unless you are Noah, rain is usually a good thing
and very much needed by the Earth. So, give thanks. Get in the
habit of gratitude. The more you express gratitude, the more the
Universe gives back to you. Gratitude also has the beautiful side
effect of making you more aware of the good things in life. When
you focus on them, they grow. Focusing on what is positive rather
than what you dont want is a sure way to draw more goodness
into your life. If you are able to keep a journal, you might start
keeping a gratitude journal. Perhaps you might want to make an
altar for gratitude; put a candle and a few things you love on it.
Whatever it takes to keep you in the feeling of gratitude, do it!
Setting Goals

Begin by setting goals. A vision board might be helpful. You

see it every day and it reinforces your goals. Post pictures of
anything your heart desires on your vision board. Print out a blank
check from an online picture and fill in your name and whatever
amount tickles your fancy. Put up pictures of your dream vacation
or your dream job, being surrounded by loving friends and family, a
beautiful house, a garden, running in the sandanything. The more
you look at it, the more you draw your dreams toward you.
M ake a list of the positive things you wish for. Re-read it
daily and keep it in your focus. Imagine those things as if they
were already a part of your life. Do not put them into the future
by saying, I will get this nice car someday. That is a wishywashy way of saying it might happen or it might not. It puts the
event in to the future and that is not where you want it. See
yourself driving it now! Do not fixate on the goal. If you are fixated
on a specific goal, you can easily miss something better. Always
add the phrase, This or something better.
Clear Out What No Longer Serves You
Toss out negative emotions, unwanted junk around the
house, and old friends who are no longer at your vibration and who
drag you down. M ake room for your new abundance by shedding
old ways and things that anchor you to the past where you no
longer wish to live. De-clutter your life. Is your office or house a
mess? Set a timer for fifteen-minute increments. Work for fifteen
minutes then take on a new job for fifteen minutes or take a fiveminute break. It is amazing how much you can get done in fifteen

minutes. Your house, garage or office didnt get like this in a single
day. Do not think it will miraculously change back to perfect in a
day. Setting goals of baby steps will get the job done faster than
you would expect. Please remember to be kind to yourself.
When I was faced with the monumental job of cleaning out
the house and land where my former boyfriend and I had lived for
ten years, it looked impossible. I wanted to see it all done at once. I
sulked and whined for a few weeks, and then I decided to start
doing the job anyway, even if the Universe wouldnt drop a huge
front-end loader and trash container in my lap.
The funny thing is that it all got done. I could see the
progress daily. The Universe gave me several cheerful, helpful hired
hands who did the jobs that were too big for me, at a price I could
afford. But I had to take the first steps; I had to take the initiative.
With the money I made selling our unwanted farm
equipment, I could pay the hired hands, the dump fees and afford
all the gas it took to make the dump runs. I also paid myself for
my time, since I had no help from my ex-boyfriend and it was our
communal responsibility to get it done.
After five months, more than fifty dump runs, and a lot of
simple sweat, it was done. It was very symbolic of the changes in
my life. Tackling big jobs in baby steps is being kind to yourself
and not setting yourself up for failure.
I invite you to please, please shed the goal of making
anything perfect! There is no such thing. It is like reaching
infinityit cant be done. Set a goal for yourself of making it

awesome. Awesome is reachable; perfection is a built-in failure!

You are, indeed, awesome and that is a fact!
In my approach to making changes, I watched a lot of
Internet programs given by many different people. I found some I
liked, some I loved, some I resonated with, and some that bored me
to tears. Not every approach is the best for every person. Find
what works for you and find many approaches. It can be easy to
get stuck in a rut by following the same persons advice all the
time. I knowI traded M eridian Tapping sessions with someone
who helped me through great breakthroughs for two or three
sessions; then I felt I was repeating the same sentences every time.
Since All roads lead to Rome, this will help you stay out of
stagnation, I suggest that you try many approaches to find what
resonates with you.
Expect changes from unexpected directions. Welcome them.
What you think your focus is might not always be the Universes
priority. Sometimes when I meditate, I look for an answer to a
specific question. The Universe can have a big sense of humor. M y
answer can be to something totally unrelated! But remember, a tree
is made of many different branches, but eventually they will all
join together and make a tree.
Express your gratitude by giving from your heart. Give back
to your neighbors, your community, or to a cause that makes your
heart sing. Remember: the more you give, the more the Universe
will replenish your abundance. When you focus within, remember
this: If it feels good, it is you, and if it doesnt feel good, it isnt

you. Those bad feelings are just an outside influence trying to get
an emotional kick from your negative feelings. Wrap any negativity
in light and thank it for the lesson. Then send it on its way as you
go forth in your light and in your power.
-

Journey #8 Following the

Breadcrumbs
Jenna Smith
-

I walked into my apartment kitchen and saw my roommate

squishing tomatoes and chopping herbs.
What are you making? I asked.
She was returning from the balcony where she grew herbs
and vegetables, and answered, Im making salsa.
Doesnt salsa come in jars? I said.
Growing up, my family ate predominantly from packaged
foodthe packages we found that magically were stocked in
stores. We exchanged money for the packages and that was where
our food came from.

As odd as it may sound, in that silly moment, my worldview changed. A belief I lived by, and occurred to me as truth and
reality, was now obviously proven to be untrue. M y mind shifted.
It is shifts like this salsa-shift that stick. I could no longer operate
in the ignorance that food comes from stores without
contemplating the bigger picture. I expanded my viewpoint and,
thus, my reality.
Food comes from the earth; its healthy, abundant, and free
for us. What a concept. The Earth grows stuff. The Earth sustains
and creates life and living things. Huh! I forgot. How had I been so
disconnected from this truth?
It is almost embarrassing to admit, but I considered myself a
fairly intelligent person at the time. I even considered myself
spiritual, according to the self-help section of the Chapters
bookstore. But since when did spiritual include being separate
from Nature and all that is?
Breadcrumbs
I spent so much of my life trying to fix what was broken,
and was so hungry for the moment when I could just enjoy my life
and love myself. Being willing and following lifes nudges acted like
breadcrumbs to show me who my teachers were, where to go, and
when to trust. I eventually began to see that life was alive and
sending me tips all the time. I had felt scared and alone most of my
life, until I learned I was surrounded by love and intelligence at all
times. Choosing to blindly trust those breadcrumbs, just like
Indiana Jones stepping onto the foggy abyss and discovering the

stones beneath his step, was the beginning of my Greatest journey.

The Closet
For most of my upbringing I remember being happy and
playful. I was a Super Diva who loved making up stories and
acting them out. I changed outfits to express my mood and my love
of color and clothes. I was somewhat bossy, but I liked that about
my little self.
Then, something happened, and as a result I just didnt want
to leave the house anymore.
It was the summer I was going from grade five in to grade six.
M y best friend, my older brother, began to chip away at every
sense of self-esteem my little being had. I later learned he himself
was going through his own pain, and as the saying goes hurt
people, hurt people.
Prior to this, we had been best buddies. We played and
laughed. I would beat him at Street Fighter and perhaps he let me
win. We yelled goodnight in code words to each other from down
the hallway before we slept. Then something strange happened. He
went from hugging me to being outright malicious. I felt I had lost
my best friend. I didnt know him anymore. Due to his behavior
change, I absorbed the idea that I was discardable, worthless, and I
was truly ashamed to be myself. As I was only ten, I didnt know
what was happening, and simply got through the best I could. M y
parents were in their own world of getting by, and didnt even
notice. They were great parents and kept me safe from the outside
world and physically cared for, yet couldnt or didnt want to see

things that werent okay.

That summer I never left my house; I can barely remember it
because I mentally checked out. I learned to leave my body to
escape the pain. Putting my mattress in my closet was an attempt
at getting rest from the abuse. A little television set I got for
Christmas fit perfectly on a box in there, too. I got all my blankets
to feel safe and I retreated to a world of fantasy.
This also included my discovery of food as comfort and a
great numbing distraction, which later led to years of various eating
disorders.
M y brothers words avalanched over me and sank into my
mind. I began to believe all the mean, negative things I was
repeatedly being told with emotional intensity. I gained almost
twenty-five pounds that summer, which is significant for a young
girl. I was so unaware of this physical change that when we took
our school class photo, I looked at my image in shock! I was
actually confused. What I saw was not the image in my mind of a
happy, playful girl somewhere. All this happened so fast that I
never caught up to the fact that I became the very thing I was told I
wasugly and unlovable. I checked out and stayed that way until
I had the resources to heal, but that would be further down the
road.
Nowhere to Hide
M y father had a very public breakdown on a November
night. After I let the police officers in from an 11:00 p.m. knock on
our door, I can remember my dad yelling something like, Why

would I hack my family to pieces? The intoxicated rants turned

into a forty-eight-hour standoff in a small town of 7,500 people. I
went into the front room coat closet, which was another place to
hide. I loved those closets.
Needless to say, the jig was up. There was nothing to hide
the dirty laundry was out there. In fact, our family drama made
it all the way to provincial news. It was hard to stay invisible
while having my family secrets aired on television. It left me feeling
helpless, and even more damaged and broken.
The rumors were even worse. Some of the highlight reel
playing at a Tim Hortons included, I heard he tied them all up in
the basement and tortured them, and, I heard he slaughtered their
dog and hung him up. (We never had a dog.)
This time I couldnt hide behind a smile and good grades. M y
father went to jail and I withdrew further into myself to hide from
all the confusion and pain.
Life will always show the way, but you have to say Yes.
One adolescent day my friend Lindsay said, Oh my God,
Jenna. Wills dad is some kind of big time healer. Hes so cool.
Youve just got to meet him. Lindsay was one of my high school
buddies. She was always full of energy and laughter. I seemed to
always attract these kinds of bubbly, lets go, kind of friends
after I had shut down so many natural expressions of joy,
spontaneity, and fun to avoid the chances of any criticism. I asked
my mom if we could go see Wills dad whose name is Jim, and off
we went.

Jim was a jolly yet centered man. He proceeded to do an

astrological chart for my mother before doing mine. I watched and
listened. M y mind didnt know what to do with all this odd stuff. I
didnt think he was weird per se, although everything sounded
weird. Looking at the stars to tell me about my life seriously?
But still, I was open and listening. He mentioned a word Reiki.
One week later, a friend of mine doing his jiu jitsu certification said
he had enrolled in Reiki Level One to finish his requirements. It
was that weekend. Another breadcrumb. So I said, Im coming
too.
Lindi was lovely, beautiful, and fit. She stopped me on the
second day while everyone was leaving and said in her soft, South
African accent, I can help you, you know. And she did; I saw her
regularly from when I was sixteen until I was twenty-two. She was
like an amazing aunt and mentor. She also knew I felt trapped in
my body, but pretended it didnt matter. She taught me how to lift
weights and how to eat, which I had never known how to do
before. Like so many areas beginning to make sense, I could also
learn to transform my body with simple changes in my habits.
This increased my confidence and sparked the beginning of feeling
empowered about life, rather than resigned.
Our Deepest Pains Can Spark Our Divine Purpose.
After being inspired by watching several Disney movies
growing up, I knew I liked to sing. But watching Whitney Houston
in The Bodyguard lit me up inside and I knew singing was for me.
Singing, ironically, was something that was born from fantasies and

watching television while in my closet hiding from the world. M y

insecure logic was that if I was celebrated and on television, I could
prove I was valuable. But deeper than that, singing lit up my soul;
it was a calling. Singing rose up to be bigger than my problems
were. Ironically, I didnt want to be seen for fear of humiliation and
criticism, but I wanted to go onto a sp otlight-flooded stage
and sing.
Did anyone ever mention that God has a sense of humor?
M y ticket out of my town, away from my brothers
destructive behavior, was revealed. Singing kept me afloat and
counterpointed my extreme lack of self-esteem.
Quasi Moto Syndrome
Hey Jenna, a voice called out down the hall to me.
I was waiting for the elevator in the apartment complex close
to campus, where I studied music at York University. Beautiful
Simone bounced over to me in her perfectly put-together outfit and
bouncy, gorgeous curls that framed her perfectly made-up, pretty
face. A bunch of us are going to the second floor library to hang
out. You wanna come?
I knew this was a popular hangout, but never considered
going.
Surprisingly and immediately, my body started sweating and
I felt as though I were in a terrible dream, with no clothing on! And
I hoped I didnt show it on my face.
So, whos going to be there? I asked, trying to be casual
and cool.

She rambled off a bunch of athletes and people I didnt

know. Basically I made it. Little, chubby Jenna from the closet that
was too afraid to leave her house, from her case of quasimoto
syndrome (from the character Quasimodo, the fictional character in
the novel The Hunchback of Notre-Dame by Victor Hugo), just got
the golden ticket. She was popular and included.
Belonging to the cool crowd confused me. All my beliefs
from being in my closet and believing I was worthless or defective
permeated my being. So, when the world finally accepted and even
celebrated me, my inner self rejected it like a bad organ donation.
M y body and mind didnt know how to accept acceptance. All I
ever knew was that I wasnt good enough, so Id better hide to
stay safe.
Even though on the outside my life had transformed, it was
as though I didnt get the memo. I was in university winning
awards for singing, I had healed chronic pain from a car accident, I
had an amazing group of friends, was in a fantastic relationship
with a popular football player, I sang the national anthem at sports
games, and had just trained my body to no longer be chubby, but to
be a fitness model, no less. But, inside I couldnt enjoy any of it. I
still felt like a fraud who had to fake it. I had this anxiety all the
time that I had someplace to be, something to do, and I was never
there. Still, with all my amazing accomplishments and social
status, nothing was ever good enough inside and out.
I lied and said I had an appointment. Then, I immediately
retreated to my version of the Notre Dame bell tower: my

bedroom.
A Chance Encounter
A chance meeting with a Shaman named Chris opened the
world beyond my cognitive mind, and expanded my thoughts to a
new level of healing and understanding. This man, Chris, was at the
Celtic Festival where I worked doing massages and Reiki for the
participants. He was intriguing and there was something about his
gaze that was different; it was almost like portals into something I
didnt recognizeyet.
He approached me and, after chatting, we decided to do an
exchange of cranial sacral therapy with me and then Reiki for him.
Little did I know, this was my saying yes to another of my many
teachers sent from Spirit. I was confused and my mind kept trying
to make sense of what my senses could not compute. He asked if I
wanted to bring my spirit back into my body. And, secondly, to
open the final three chambers of my heart, which apparently
totaled seven.
M y initial mental chatter was, What chambers? What do
you mean? What about the first four? Why are we even doing
this?
However, when filled with Spirit, mind chatter becomes like
gnats swirling around, annoying but harmless. I could just ignore
the chatter and not take it so seriously. While I didnt understand
the energy work intellectually, and definitely had no clue what
getting my spirit back into my body was, I knew I needed to do
it. This was my heart knowing, and my heart didnt speak English;

it spoke feelings and sensations to get through to me.

The proof is in the pudding: healing doesnt matter if you
dont apply the wisdom.
When my almost-fianc left without notice (using a note, no
less), I knew there was a shift at this point in my healing journey.
Falling into pain and despair and hiding from life just didnt jive
anymore; I felt more resourceful. This time I needed to look deeper
into the experience rather than break down and feel broken yet
again. I felt the feelings, but didnt completely freak out and lose
myself. I did not seek to numb out or run away! (Enter an angel
choir and the Hallelujah Chorus!)
I felt my feelings no matter how hard, and I stayed open. I
trusted this intangible knowingness, which was explained to me by
my new Shaman friend as keeping center. I felt that I was in a
subtle, yet powerful place. It was as if I was the eye of the storm
and I could see the emotions and thoughts swirling and reacting in
front of me but did not get lost in them. I held this center and
didnt leave my body or try to escape the experience.
Becoming the Hollow Bone
T he aut umn aft er I finis hed my degree in Sp irit ual
Psychotherapy, I was called to attend a Shaman Level 1 weekend
at the Shamanism Canada retreat, known as The Edge. This was
a huge breadcrumb for me. I felt more at home than ever before.
M ore of my spirit now had space within my mind and body to
speak to me and through me. The layers unraveled during
Psychotherapy training. That training, plus the many sessions

with therapists and healers, allowed this experience to take place at

the right time. Like a new level in a video game, I couldnt jump to
the last round and just be healed and done because I wouldnt
have had the skills and resources to do so.
Part of the trust I began to understand was that nature
doesnt push, it evolves in divine time. During the Shaman training,
we sat in circles of discussion, drumming and journeying.
Journeying is the ability to travel in the world of Spirit to gain
knowledge to bring back to everyday life as a Human. I discovered
not needing to know so much. I used to ask lots of questions and
wanted to know why, how, and when. But, in the shaman way, we
were called to find the part of us that is the answers. This is called
becoming the hollow bone.
Going from Past to Present to Future: Ontology and
beyond
A friend, at the time, who had begun an Ontological Coaches
Training with a very talented coach encouraged me to book a
Discovery Session. It was free and I was intrigued. Another
breadcrumb. What I learned in psychotherapy was a lot of dealing
with the past and healing. I learned how to be present through
shamanism and Reiki. But I was ready to know the now what. I
was ready to learn how to take all my training and get out of the
past. I felt that I was drowning in my possibility trying to create a
great life on my own. I also noticed my clients would get better,
then have a breakdown, tailspin, and then inch forward again to
feeling better. There didnt seem to be any real change, just lots of

feeling better and temporary fixes. I knew there was a better way!
Somehow.
Hans offered to teach me how to use Ontology and Coaching
to get results and actually transform past plateaus into that ideal,
divine version of myself, rather than just changing the behavior.
And, as always, if I wanted to guide others to get somewhere Id
have to first do it myself. So I did and I started that very night.
A Divine Tag-Team
Around the same time when I met Hans, I also was
introduced to a woman in my hometown, Karen Tyndall, who I
lovingly nicknamed a fairy-grandmother. She did Angel healing and
other energy modalities meant to reconnect you to God and align
you to learn how to receive divine energies. She was so lit up,
energetic, and in love with life that it was hard not to get swept
into her enthusiasm.
The most significant conversation and shift I had with Karen
was when she said right off the bat, What is your relationship to
God?
I looked at her blankly. What do you mean? Im spiritual,
not religious. Religion is yucky! I thought God was stupid, flakey,
and unreliable. He was never there for me, obviously. And, think
about all the puppies being abused, mass poverty, and the pain and
suffering seen on the news every day, all day? God schmod, I
thought.
As I rehabilitated my relationship with God, I saw that God,
Center, Energy, Spirit, and Life were all One. I saw the strings of

reality that tie everything together. Thats when life really shifted. I
realized life is not random and haphazard.
All the breadcrumbs had led up to this awakening to
myself and the truth of life. There are actual recipes to living a
great life and management tools for dealing with the inevitable
challenges and human resistance to our divine greatness. Life began
to seem simple and easy to navigate through, no matter the outside
circumstances. Its as though I had tapped into the How to Live
life as Jenna Smith on this Planet manual in myself.
An Unexpected Afternoon
It was a sunny day and my life was beginning to feel magical,
as my coaches training was nearing the end and I had months of
sessions with Karen tuning up my divine connections. Then, just
before I was about to go out for a run, hail the size of fists came
pummeling down, and the wind became unbelievably strong. The
sky turned blackish-grey. The wind blew out the screens in the
house and swirls of branches from the outside and papers from
inside the living room surreally spun around in a circle. All there
was to do was run around and close the windows so the tornado
outside was not inside. The sound of trees crashing down made
this storm feel serious and dangerous, and then, just as suddenly as
it started, it was over. M y hometown of Goderich had experienced
an F3 tornado, destroying the town right through the center.
It was the Storm of 2012 according to The Weather
Network. M any others and I suffered various levels of PostTraumatic Stress Disorder and were still in for a long haul in

rebuilding the town. Even though many people were deeply

affected by the stress of the storm, I applied my new tool kit of
methods to stay in center, be with what is, practice self-care, and
do what presents from my guidance. Unfortunately, my father
ended up witnessing the death of one man. The man was crushed
to death from debris at the Salt M ine. M y dad suffered bodily
injuries from hanging on during the storm and severe survivors
guilt.
After two months of incessant construction sounds in
Goderich, I finally found a place in Toronto to sublet. M y new life
was on the horizon and I was so excited to live it!
Being Prepared by Invisible Forces
For some strange reason, I kept getting the inner impulse to
visit New York for a few days. By coincidence, two more
invitations to New York from my friends, Atia and Christopher,
came my way, solidifying this plan. Spirit was setting me up and
preparing me for a blow that I could never have anticipated.
I woke up in my friends beautiful home in New Jersey after
enjoying a classic American Thanksgiving. That morning, I was
feeling particularly blessed and grateful for my new life and the
plans I had for my career and new-found life recipes to make magic
happen.
M y friend, who was also the co-trainer for the Ontological
Coaches t raining, Christ op her Ot az o, came in looking very
concerned.
In a soft, concerned voice he said, Your dad has suddenly

died.
Blankness. What? How? But, hes not in bad health. M y
mind swirled with many questions, and my heart began to race. He
said my mother had tried to reach me, but I had my phone off since
it was international.
I didnt want to call. I didnt want to face it. I was so lucky I
listened to Spirit and was in the very capable hands of my dear
friend who had the ability to be with me and be with this
situation. I was in a safe place, far from the drama I had to return
to in only twenty-four hours.
I spent the day being cared for and feeling able to just be.
When we listen, life does help us out.
Finally it was time to call hometo call my mom for the
actual details and go beyond the comfort of shock. This did not
help me emotionally. M y mom didnt know the answers either yet,
and I would have to call the detective.
All my mom said was, The only information I know is that
it is deemed a crime scene and there was blood everywhere.
Was he hurt? M urdered brutally? What is going on? M ore
spinning and heart racing, with now a floodgate of tears attempting
to release the confusion, fear, and sadness.
I finally got the inner urge to call the detective. He was very
nice and more thoughtful than I expected. He explained that my
dad had cut his left wrist deeply with an Exacto knife. Some time
had passed before he actually died of massive blood loss. The
detective firmly advised against going into the house or seeing his

body. His half-rotted remains had been discovered two days after
his gruesome death.
The detective told me whom to call and advised some tactical
next steps. One thing he said to me about suicide stayed with me:
People have heart attacks all the time when the heart just cant
cope and gives out. Its not so different for a persons mindit
just gave out.
We hung up. I sat in silence for a while, as I am right now.
The guilt of not contacting him before I left for New York
bore into my heart and stung the already fresh wound from this
surreal news. I didnt hug him the last time I saw him because his
behavior pissed me off and I judged it as immature. To make my
point I didnt hug him or tell him I loved him as I had done every
single time before. That one time was the last time.
Unconditional Greatness
Facing our truth takes an awful lot of courage. It develops
strength far greater than our knee-jerk human reaction to numb out
or run away from the reality of life.
Greatness is not accomplished by one extraordinary feat; it is
a consistent stream of ordinary choices made from our heart and
our courage to live as our authentic Truth. Every day is an
opportunity to know our Greatness, if only for a moment. Every
day we get to decide to plug into the infinite abundance around us,
or to shut down and just get by. Ive lived in both worlds and I
highly recommend plugging in and stepping out.
Just as salsa does not truly come in jars, I now know people

are not born separate from Spirit and all that is. I now know life is
not a random, haphazard experience, but it is full of intelligence,
wonder, and imagination. Life is alive, and rooting for us to step
into our true nature. Greatness is who we are, and our greatest
journey is remembering it.
-

Journey #9 Looking for the Perfect

Beat
Johnny Grady
-

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story

inside you.
~ M aya Angelou ~
I resonate with these beautiful, inspirational words from
M aya Angelou. Theyre words that inspire me to share my
journey with you on these few pages, which I consider a blessing
and an absolute joy. We are all on a journey of sorts, whether we
are conscious of it or not. Some choose greatness and some choose
mediocrity; there is no right or wrong way. There are many paths

to any destination, but its all about the journey. M y journey of

introspection started forty-seven years ago in Kansas City,
Kansas.
The best place to begin is at the beginning
I was a child of the sixties (late sixties early seventies), a time
when television was worth watching and prime time sitcoms such
as Sanford and Son, The Jeffersons and Good Times were., hot.
Less hot were the dysfunctional families, divorces, and single
parent homes that seemed to become the norm, and on the rise.
(Sadly, even today, not much has changed.)
Unfortunately, my family did not escape this statistic. M y
parents divorced when I was two years old. Several years later my
mother decided to test the waters again and remarried. I didnt
think her second attempt was the best choice, but she did what she
thought was right at the time, I guess. Things never seemed or felt
quite right, however.
The relationship with my stepfather was strained, at best.
But who was I to express how I felt about it? I was just a kid. I
assumed I was to just grin and bear it, which I did for sixteen years.
I grinned while walking on eggshells or, to better describe it, an
emotional minefield. It was y et anot her failed marriage
many would think . . . or was it?
I agree wholeheartedly that I would have given anything to
be anywhere else in the world other than there and riding an
emotional rollercoaster powered by substance abuse (alcohol).
Nonetheless, M om did the best she could to hold things together.

While she worked, I was under the guidance of my

grandparents (on both sides), who picked up the slack, providing a
warm and safe haven, compensating for the absence of a father
figure. They filled in nicely, taking over the helm when needed.
Between the turbulence were pockets of innocence, simplicity, and
happiness.
In retrospect, this experience had served a unique purpose in
my development, which I am now thankful for.
I have fond memoriessummers stand out the mostof
p lay ing outside or hanging out with other children in the
neighborhood where I lived. I had no real friends for any
considerable length of time; they all seemed like acquaintances, just
passing through my life. Or, was I doing the passing through? I
never really seemed to fit in or feel that I belonged anywhere.
M any moments were spent alone with a pen and a pad
drawing, mostly, still-life. I must have been very good at it,
considering all the praise I received from others. In fact, at the time,
thats the only thing I felt I did well. It was an escape from the
things in everyday life I didnt understand or want to understand.
M y biological father, whom I didnt know very well,
described me as aloof. That hurt, and I felt misunderstood. His
remark actually made me go more often into seclusion. Its a shame
that the few memories I have of him are of this sort, with the
majority becoming more vague with the passage of time. I forgave
him, but it took a lot of work to find a resting place for it. I kept
drawing because it was the best way I could express myself.

In elementary school, my stepfather introduced me to

basketball and I loved it. It was a way to focus on something else
other than life. I poured myself into it completely. I wanted to be
as good as I could be, or actually, as good as my stepfather wanted
me to be. It seemed that I was always trying to win his praise.
Drawing became less frequent. I was told by someone who had
my best interest in mind, that there were better ways to make a
living and drawing wasnt one of them. So, eventually I stopped.
As I grew older, so did my love for basketball; it consumed
me. This was also the dawning of a new age in music (Rap). Ahhh,
the sounds of boom boxes on every block and in every park. It was
a time of musical self-expression and empowering lyrics. Hot
summers hooping it up, sweating on asphalt courts for hours at a
time while Africa-Bambatta (yes, its an actual name, YouTube it)
and Soul Sonic Forces Planet Rock and Looking For the Perfect
Beat spewed out of boom-boxes on the side lines. That was the
life. I not only resonated with the lyrics, but the title: Looking for
the Perfect Beat. That would become a reoccurring anthem on my
road to self-discovery, a search that would take the majority of my
adult life.
Unfort unat ely, as much as I loved basket ball, I would
eventually quit my high school team due to personal reasons. It
just felt that it was the right thing to do. I wasnt happy playing
the game anymore. Even though I felt I could have been a very good
player, possibly even earning a scholarship if provided the right
guidance, the truth was that I had no support. I wasnt happy, and

playing to please and gain respect from others took its toll on me. I
found it hard to express my emotions at that time, and with no one
to sincerely talk to about my situation, I was like a walking bottle
of nitroglycerin. I didnt really care. It wasnt the popular decision.
I just wanted relief. It was a rebellion of sorts.
It took me a while to get over the guilt of feeling like a
quitter but, for the first time, I believed that I had finally made my
own choice, for me. Without realizing it at the time, I believe this
was the first step in the journey of overcoming my ego.
When Johnny Comes Marching Home . . .
As my senior year began to draw to a close, the military
began to look pretty damn tempting. I had no other options, I
thought. I was particularly drawn to the M arine Corps; with those
dress blue uniforms, who wouldnt be? Even Pee Wee Herman
would look like a stud in them!
I made my commitment to the United States M arine Corps
USM C reserves and signed on the dotted line. (As a reservist, I
believed I always had an out . . . . I could always go active if I liked
it.)and you always have to have an out
I had no intentions of attending college close to home or
marrying my childhood sweetheart. I was a silent rebel at heart.
When people would go right, I would go left. I didnt desire a
typical life. I had my fill of thateighteen years worth). I was
finally an adult and the world was waiting to be discovered! I was
excited about the idea that I was about to become a M arine! I
belonged to Uncle Sam.

I will always be grateful to my grandparents for instilling in

me the character traits I would carry with me as I ventured out into
the world. Its as if they knew they needed to prepare and pack a
well-balanced lunch for me to take on a long road trip.
I had no idea what awaited me, but I was all for it. No
backing out nowafter all, I did sign on the dotted line . . .
Boot camp wasnt a cakewalk; it was tough and not
everyone made it through. In any case, I survived my initiation
with flying colors, graduated and, after completing my school (onthe-job training in logistics, Camp Pendleton, California), I went
home.
I felt like a hero, and I hadnt even been to war. I had gone
through something that many would never experience. The entire
event changed me, accelerat ed my mat urit y, and ins t illed
confidence. I didnt earn the dress blue uniform, but I had a
uniform, tailored to fit. M an, was I sharp!
A year or so had gone by and I began to get the itch again; it
was time to move/go. I hadnt come any farther than southern
California and Tijuana, M exico, and though I appreciated the
experience, the one weekend per month training left a lot to be
desired. The location, Topeka, Kansas, left even more to be
desired! I have nothing against my people in Kansas, but I couldnt
see myself working in a warehouse and driving a truck or forklift
for the rest of my daysno way! I desired a job and skills I could
use effectively in the civilian world. I began the mundane task of
contemplating my optionsagain. There was no spontaneity; I

didnt want to make the same mistake twice!

I eyed the Air Force with the hope that I could learn a new
skill and see the world. Fortunately, since I was a M arine, I could
transfer to another branch of service, but under the condition that I
go active. No problem! M y reserve unit had granted my transfer,
paperwork was signed, and six months later I left home again for
another adventure. This time I was on my way to San Antonio,
Texas (Lackland AFB), still searching for the perfect beat.
Flying High
I was excited about joining the Air Force. I was so excited
that I signed a long-term contract from the jump (six years) and had
a guaranteed job as M edical Technician. I knew this was it. But,
for how long? I had no idea, but it felt great to have a fresh start
and to be a part of something new.
For the next seven years or so, I coasted. This time was full
of growing pains and great but temporary friendships, and few
worries. I learned a new skill, was away from home, independent
for the most part, and met people and visited places I would
probably have never met and seen otherwise. I enjoyed the medical
field and being of service to others. M y experiences there helped to
thicken my skin and to have even more empathy and understanding
for others. It helped me to expand; they were baby steps but
growth, nonetheless. And I literally coasted with few cares in the
world.
Little did I know a storm was headed my way and my
intestinal fortitude would be challenged as in no other period in my

life!
Turbulence Ahead
Ive had the pleasure of visiting and occupying several duty
stations from 84 to 94, but the last two years of my enlistment
in Germany were the toughest; I classify them as my baptism by
fire.
I wasnt new to overseas travel, but at the time, I found it
very difficult to find my rhythm and feel at home in Germany. It
was, and still is, a beautiful country with a lot to offer. (I now feel
much differently about Germany, by the way.) I realize that it had
to do with me and not the country itself. As the saying goes, Its
not where youre from, its where you are. I reminded myself of
this often, but it was still a challenge. I ventured out as much as I
could, but continued to feel isolated and unhappy. I guess four
years of dreary fall and winter weather had begun to take its toll on
me.
It began a period of self-doubt, low self-esteem, anger, and
frustration; it all had to surface sooner or later. To make matters
worse, I chose a femme fatale for a girlfriend. I didnt find this
out until more than a year of dating and living together. She came
from the school of thought that if you have checks you have
money. Her ongoing financial irresponsibility negatively impacted
my career and almost ruined it. It was a nightmare.
To say I was frustrated would be a huge understatement. I
was on the edge. A lot was at stake; I was in transition and I
wanted to clear up this tangled mess and exit with an honorable

discharge. Something kept me hanging on. There was a voice, or a

strong impression, letting me know that all would be well. I never
prayed so much in my adult life. After putting out fire after fire,
cleaning up what seemed to be an unending trail of financial chaos,
I felt more like a fireman than a medic! I felt so naive. How could
things have gone so wrong so quickly? I mean, all of this took place
within a year to a year and a half time frame. I thought, Why do I
need to go through all this drama and what purpose does it
serve? Needless to say, it was in our best interests to end the
relationship, which also brought its share of drama. When the
smoke eventually cleared, I never heard from or spoke with her
again. As frustrating as it was, everything did turn out for the best.
With approximately seven months left on my enlistment, I had
time to contemplate the situation and how things could have been
handled differently; hindsight is 20/20, right?
I wasnt quite ready to return to the United States and was
ready for a new challenge, but what? I was about to lose my Uncle
Sam security blanket and felt uncertain about my future. It had
been almost ten years and I had no idea what direction to go in or
what I wanted to do next. I thought I had squandered my time and
hadnt taken full advantage of my situation. I had the itch again but
couldnt scratch it. This time I had no answers. I had been in
a comfort zone that was now dissolving before my eyes. It was a
t ough exp erience and it t ook a while before I was able t o
completely recover from it.
It was just the beginning of an uphill climb. It seemed as if

this was some sort of back payment to the Universe for taking it
easy the last few years. I wondered if and when things would get
better. I didnt think it could last forever. But, the climb lasted for
many years.
During this time, by way of a colleague, I met another
woman who was from the Netherlands. Actually, we had met one
year prior to the end of my enlistment. She was kind and
understanding and our meetings helped take my mind off of the
situation, at least temporarilywhen we were together.
Eventually, I would move to the Netherlands. It was the start of a
long relationship and the start of rediscovering myself and
reinventing my life. And so the beat goes on.
A Man Without a Country
With basically a suitcaseactually several boxes and two
duffel bagsI relocated to M aastricht, Netherlands. I loved the
hospitality and relaxed attitudes of the Dutch, but living there had
proved to be another story.
M y life p ost-military 94 to 01is what I call the
seven-year itch. It was a period of inner crisis with frustration,
laced with low self-worth, doubt, and anger. It was a huge
transition period with many new challenges. I was in search of my
own identity and adjusting to civilian life. And it was a joy to wear
civilian clothes to work! For nearly four years I had basically
worked full-time at the post exchange for part-time money, as well
as a host of secondary jobscleaning offices, toilets, and floors, to
even posing as security at small time party gigswhile filling out

countless applications for civil service employment for anything I

was qualified to do, or anything that paid more than I was earning
at the time, which was basically everything.
This was the first time I had heard that a person could be
over-qualified for a particular position; I was rejected many
times. It was the first time I had experienced this sort of politics. I
had never heard of the term, family politics. It was crazy.
M oney was too tight to mention and financial obligations still
loomed in the background, but we managed. I was definitely not
the only one going through this; there were many in similar
situations. Everyone had their own reasons for seeking refuge in
the Netherlands, the majority of these being ex-military retirees.
There were many frustrated people, which is what stood out
the most. M aybe it seemed amplified because the area was so
small. People were in survival mode, or so it seemed, and always
pissed off about something, whether it was getting passed over for
that key position or not receiving something they thought they
were entitled to, so many people were angry. It was a dog-eat-dog
world. Peop le were willing t o do any t hing t o get in t he
sy st ema government job. Complaints and gossip ran rampant.
The negative vibe seemed contagious and spread like an epidemic.
But, regardless of what was going on, I still managed to keep
my sense of humor and tried not to take things too seriously. For
the most part I think I made the best of each situation, keeping a
smile on my face and on the faces of others, even though I was sad
on the inside. When things got tough, I would recall the words my

grandmother, Granny, would use, And this too shall pass.

During my time on the base, I had several jobs. With each
one I received a pay raise, but it all began to get old fast. The
mundane jobs with penny pay raises, the applications for jobs I
knew Id never get, the good old boy politicsI was tired of it all
and wanted out. I knew I could do better than this.
Why did I choose to put myself through all of this nonsense
in the first place? What did I hope to get out of it?
Just quit and go home, I told myself.
I weighed my options, again. I liked the openness of Europe
and wasnt ready to go back to the United States, even though my
experiences up until then werent optimal. I still believed that
Europe had more to offer than what I had experienced and wanted
to stay and test the waters, even though I lacked any real support
system other than my girlfriend at the time. The longer I stayed
abroad, the more detached from the United States I became. In fact,
I felt alonethat I did not belong anywhere. I felt like a man
without a country.
A Leap of Faith
In 1998, after almost four years, I promptly made the
decision to turn in my notice. I thought, What the hell. Enough is
enough. Whatevers going to happen, will happen.
With blind faith, I quit my job on the military post. There
was, of course, uncertainty but I knew I would be okay no matter
what happened. If things really started to go bad, I could always go
back to the United States.

A friend who was familiar with my situation at that time, had

heard through the grapevine that there was a job opening in
M aastricht for a fitness instructor (of all things). I never thought
about working on t he Dut ch economy, esp ecially as a
fit ness instructor. True, I was a gym rat and loved working out,
but I never seriously considered work ing in a gy m. But hey,
it was wort h considering; it was an advent urous st ep in a
totally different direction. Plus, I was unemployed and needed
work, so I had to move fast.
Three days later I was officially a fitness instructor, despite
my inability to speak Dutch. Its been said that the Universe loves
speed. To this very day Im still active in the fitness business and
continue to help others embrace their fitness and wellness, albeit
independently, via my personal training business.
Over the years there have been many challengestoo many
to speak of here. As bad as some situations could have turned out,
however, I believe that I was being looked after by several, if not
many, unseen forces. Too many things have happened to write
them off as pure coincidence. God has many helpers. Thats all I
can say. Regardless of the situation, things have always resolved
themselves, and knowing this has strengthened my faith. Ive been
able to get back on my feet every single time. Dont get me wrong,
it hasnt been a total nightmare; it wouldnt be fair or accurate to
focus only on the drama. One cant exist without the other and, do
you know what? Its all good. There have been many joyous
moments as wellalso too many to mention here. I am very

appreciative of every single one of them!

Its no coincidence that every job or position Ive
held/chosen has been in positions of service: retail sales, medical
technician, and in my current profession as a personal trainer/coach
and masseur. Before I even knew what the word intention meant,
I guess it has always been an intention of mine to help people and
to make a difference in the world. Whether it was a laugh or smile, I
have always been committed to bringing positivity wherever I have
gone.
Even though I helped others to feel good, I was still
frustrated and unfulfilled. In fact, I didnt even know why I was
here on the planet. I often felt that I wasnt living up to my
potential and that I was meant to do much more. I began to
question my purpose.
The Question
Years ago, I sought a solution to my feelings of
dissatisfaction. I sought t he counsel of a p sy chic, even
t hough I had a t rust ed medium I consulted from time to time.
The readings with my trusted psychic were always good, which
wasnt a bad thing, but I wondered how things could be so right
when they felt so not right. I guess I wanted a second opinion.
So, t he p sy chic began t o do her t hing and short ly int o
our session she asked, Do you know who you are?
What do you mean? I replied, with a baffled look on my
face. Of course I do.
It was the first time Id ever been asked that question and I

didnt have an answer. In my mind, I really couldnt produce a

clear answer. As simp le as t he quest ion was, it was one of
t he most defining moments in my life.
Its funny how that one question led to my own search for
who I really was and showed me my divine purpose.
T he Ans wer: H eal O t hers , H eal T hys elf
Since that time, Ive been guided to, and have learned from,
many teachers and have been drawn to various healing modalities.
In the process, Ive gone from learning all I could about the
physical to eventually becoming a student of the nonphysical. If I were told ten years ago that I would be going from
studying about speed, strength, and abdominal stability to souls,
spirit guides, and angels, I probably wouldve laughed in your face.
But, thats where I am now.
This journey has led me to become a certified Reconnective
Healer (by Dr. Eric Pearl) and Angel Practitioner (Charles Virtue),
in addition to the private physical training sessions I give. We are
all spiritual beings surrounded by divine guidance and every
experience is a catalyst for growth. It is now my intention to help
as many people as I possibly can to embrace themselves, access
their own life spark, and help them bring it out in to the world. I
want to help people live truly happy and healthy lives.
Throughout my life, I have been building on my greatness
and searching for my perfect beat. I have since come to the
realization that I have been not only in possession of the beat,
but in possession of an entire orchestrait was in me my entire

life. There was no longer a need to look any further than my own
being. There is no longer a search for the perfect beat. I found it. I
Am the creator of my music. The search is over, and the best is yet
to come.
Dont die with your music still inside you. Listen to your
intuitive inner voice and find what passion stirs your soul. Listen to
that inner voice, and dont get to the end of your life and say, What
if my whole life has been wrong?
~Dr. Wayne W. Dyer~
-

Journey #10 - To Thine Own Self Be

True
by Kyra M ontagu
-

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

~Gandhi~
Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has
genius and power and magic in it.
~Goethe~
Ki-Ra, which means Place of the Earth Spirit in the
indigenous Taino language, is a place for the next generation. It is an
experience in holistic living designed to bring people and nature
together in co-creative harmony. It was born out of a flash of

inspiration and a deep love between two people who truly mean to
come back to wholeness.
It is a s t ory of a family w ho, believing t heir
dreams , are choosing to live them. M y husband, Simon, is my
greatest teacher and my deepest love; with him I am creating and
living our dream. Our dream is a life filled with surprises and
excitement, hills and valleys, good days and challenging days, and a
constant stream of love for life and all that it brings. We live with
our four children, Oscar, Iris, Finlay, and Talulah, delighting in the
abundance of the Dominican Republic and nestled on the edge of
the shimmering Caribbean Sea. Together we are building our idea of
utopia.
So where is the struggle in this? you might ask.
Well, in truth it is not a struggle, but the journey has been
filled with lessons and tests of integrity that, at the time, threw up
doubts that may have drawn us down another path, and in this lies
the struggle.
Twelve years ago, honeymooning on a beach in the north of
the island, a spark of inspiration ignited as we looked up at the
jungle behind us and decided to build a truly holistic destination.
Initially, it was to be a place for children but soon it became a place
for everyone as the idea blossomed into reality.
We w ent back t o Sp ain, w here Simon w as
develop ing properties and I was studying naturopathic medicine,
knowing that we had discovered our path. It was perfectwe both
had the expertise to cover the different aspects of the project and

the world was waking up to holistic health, sustainability, and

living in tune with nature. It was time!
Oscar was born, adding a new and beautiful experience to our
lives. A few months later we moved back to the UK to spend some
time with family and prepare the groundwork for Ki-Ra, hiring
consultants, branding agents, and creating beautiful brochures and
inspiring presentations. We had Iris and then Finlay, and life was
full of babies and exciting endeavors and expectations. It was 2008
and we had captured peoples interest and investors were coming
on board. Ki-Ra was a holistic community resort in to which we
were going to invest millions of dollars and then earn millions of
dollars. It was all a huge and exciting story and we were ready to
go.
I remember so clearly walking through a field with my dad
and Simon, telling them how we were going to raise all the money
and that it would be as easy as I had envisioned the future project
in my mind, brushing aside their reservations about the challenges
ahead.
We launched Ki-Ra onto the world and, within the month,
the global economy collapsed, the investors pulled out and
everything was put on hold. It suddenly became a different story!
Slightly deflated but certainly not uninspired, we moved out to the
Dominican Republic, against everyones counsel, to see how we
could make it happen. That is when the true Ki-Ra story began.
It was interesting how it happened! You see, when the idea
sprang upon us on that beach it was full of integrity, love, and a

genuine desire to do something meaningful. As we got excited and

tried to make it into a business proposal, it became exactly that: a
business proposal. It was based on holistic principles, still with
meaning, but lacking the authenticity of what it all actually meant
to us. The Universe gave us a nudge and we found ourselves
beginning to live and to feel what we were talking about instead of
intellectualizing the concept and seeing what we could get out of it
materially.
It started with a holistic health center in the local town of La
Romana, in a house right up at the top of the town. There we
created a beautiful botanical garden and gave the local people
consultations, treatments, yoga classes, and seminars on how to
live more in tune with yourself. We served healthy vegetarian food
and created a presence for ourselves in the local community. There
were a couple of incidents where we were accused of satanic
worship and witchery by some of the more ardent Evangelicals in
the town, but those incidents only helped nurture a compassion
and empathy for those around us. M ost who actually came into
the clinic found it to be an oasis of peace and good energy within
the town.
We lived in the clinic for a while, which had its challenges
too. Dominican people like to party and when the conditions are
right they do; it doesnt matter the time of day or night. Often a
sudden outbreak of reggaeton (the local hip-hop) at 2:00 a.m.
would literally jolt us out of dream state and in to a discotheque! It
was especially hard when one gets up at 4:00 a.m. to begin the day

with meditation and yoga. We gave what we could but after two
years with the pro-bono work and cancelled appointments, we had
to close because we just could not cover the bills. However, the
word holistica was now part of the language and natural health
was back on the streets of La Romana.
During this time, we had decided to take one year and
become completely vegan and completely unprocessed in our diet.
I had met a Brahman living in Venezuela who taught me so much
about tropical holistic living and the benefits of living a pure life.
I convinced the family to test it out and, despite the occasional
grumble, it went surprisingly well. The bigger surprise was the
challenge that faced us from outside. It seemed that we were
behaving anti-socially, as our friends stopped inviting us out for
meals and my own family took offense.
It was an emotionally painful time; we were living the way
we wished to live but the people around us would not have it. I
think it hurt most because it was simply a life experiment for us;
we were certainly not on any crusade to convert others, neither
were we trying to make others feel bad for their choices. Yet, it was
taken as some kind of affront by those around us. It was a lesson
about how we relate to each other based on our own conditioning,
and that something at our core feels deeply defensive when our
established patterns are challenged or questioned. It appears that
difference (or perceived difference) breeds division, even when you
are not looking for it!
By this time we were in huge debt to family, friends, and the

bank. I felt wounded by the emotional separation from my family

and although we were doing good things for the community, my
self-esteem was low. Thank God that Simon has an outlook on life
that is far less emotional than mine and he was able to keep
reminding me to stay with it and it would all be okay, in spite of
feeling as badly as I did.
So we gathered together what cash we could and built the
first little wooden building on the land where the project was to be
built. It was pink and blue and beautiful; it was the beginning. We
decided to move in, even though there was no electricity or running
water. We built a kitchen and a bathroom out of the stone that we
collected from the land around it. As that came together, we
decided we should have a bedroom also. We built it out of block
and added an outdoor shower that was serviced from a barrel on
the roof. We joined the three buildings together with a thatched
roof, and suddenly we had a beautiful, rustic house looking out on
the shimmering Caribbean Sea.
In July 2010, four years after we had begun the project, we
moved in to Ki-Ra with three kids, seven dogs, and two cats in
tow. We began to learn to live without standard, modern amenities
and it was an absolutely incredible experience. We are so adaptable
as humans and, within days, we were completely accustomed to
showering wit h cold wat er p ump ed out of a well, reading
by candlelight at night, and living in tune with nature and each
other; it was very romantic.
We also started organizing and holding retreats. The first

retreat was a sound-healing and holistic health retreat facilitated by

Stewart Pearce, an old friend and teacher of mine. I met Stewart
when I was seventeen at drama school in London when I was a
rebellious, partying teenager who wanted to act because deep down
I thought I had something to say. I thought that, through acting, I
would be able to get people to listen.
Stewart is a Shaman and one day in class he brought up the
subject of alchemy and spirit, and suddenly that thing I had been
seeking all my life opened up in front of me and there was the
possibility of an answer to so many of my questions. M y biggest
question was, Who is God? I read the book he advised, which
happened to be, The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho, and I set off on
my new journey to find God in myself. M any years later, when we
had decided on the land that we wanted to buy for Ki-Ra, Stewart
again opened a door.
We used to walk the coastline of the land that we had decided
on for the project and Simon would say that he often felt there was
something or someone behind him; he would turn around but
nobody was there. It made him uneasy, so we asked Stewart to
come out and read the land for us. As we walked along the coast
together, Stewart remained completely silent until finally, bursting
to know, I almost yelled at him, So, what is it?
As he turned to tell the story of what he was seeing, he had
tears in his eyes. Dont you feel them? Your ancestors are
standing in a circle behind you, arms opened wide, calling to you,
Coa Cane. They are so happy to have you home.

M e? Really? Wow! Tell us more!

He told us that, this was a healing tribe around the time of
Atlantis and you were the chiefs daughter. Your role was to
commune with natures elements and to exchange healing elixirs.
You communicated through speech and a form of telepathy using
crystals. This was a well known tribe and people came from far
and wide to get elixirs from you. You also worked with larimar (a
substance currently only found on this island) as a healing stone.
It was like a lightning bolt went through me as suddenly so
many pieces of the puzzle of my life fell into place. M y reason for
wanting to do what we were creating became absolutely crystal
clearI was fulfilling a life started many thousands of years ago.
And so it was that the Universe dropped another gift in to
my hands, giving us something really strong to hold onto as we
continued to try to make the project happen. Even so, doubts
continued to surface. Was it just a nice story? Could it just be that
it was something I wanted to hear?
Subsequently, during the following year or so, the exact same
story was repeated by another Shaman visiting from New M exico
and then by another medium, neither of whom had any idea of
what we had been told by Stewart. So, I did a regression into that
life experience. It could not have been more in tune with everything
I believe in and love in this life. Any doubts were replaced with
knowledge.
On the spiritual plane, everything was flowing smoothly. We
had a beautiful and romantic story that we were living/fulfilling. We

were living in tune with nature and practicing holistic living, and I
was working in the local community.
On the material plane, however, I was still dealing with old
beliefs and ideas. Where was the money? Why had Ki-Ra not risen
out of the jungle in all of its glory as Spirit had predicted? Why
was it not the success we all knew it should be? What was I doing
wrong? Why did we have to live desperately trying to make ends
meet each month? Why were we feeling inundated by the pressure
of a huge project, huge debts, little income, four kids, and people
depending on us for their livelihood?
M y relationship with Simon was under stress, my health
was not in optimum state, and there was huge pressure from my
family to quit.
I remember my mother saying to me with genuine concern,
This is ridiculous. You work your butt off but can barely pay for
food for the kids, let alone school, and you have no quality of life!
Ill help you with a house, a car, and putting the kids in
school. Ill look after them once a week so that you can have a
social life and see your friends. Come back to England and drop
this crazy dream; have a normal life!
It was very tempting; we felt we were on the brink. It was
true. Our quality of life sucked despite all that we had. It seemed
that everything we tried to do regarding business failed. But, it was
our dream and we were going to keep going for it until something,
please God, happened. So, I turned down her generous offer and
told her that I believed Ki-Ra was worth fighting for and we would

continue to strive.
Looking back on those eight years, it seems so obvious now
that it was a learning process that both of us had to go through in
order to fully understand the nature of what we were intending to
create. Ki-Ra is a place for an evolving humanity and for the future
where humans and nature can co-exist in harmony. It is a place
where people could experience living completely comfortably, even
elegantly, and still maintain a sustainable and ethical method of
operation where authenticity and living your truth was key.
This was the lesson I needed to learn: Who am I? What is my
truth and what do I really believe? How can I be true to myself?
The path was paved with lessons. When we closed the
holistic clinic, it felt important to continue to offer a healthy
option to the people we had been serving there. I came up with the
bold notion that we should open a restaurant serving tasty
vegetarian food. It seemed the perfect solution; I could continue to
give consultations from the restaurant, enticing people through the
door with a low-priced menu of the day, while maintaining the KiRa presence in the community. But, what did we know about
restaurants?
Once again, the Universe stepped in and a yoga client, who
was a chef. He offered to take 50 percent of the business. The
restaurant opened, despite some very strong last-minute doubts on
my part. It operated rather successfully for a while and then closed
after less t h an a y ear d u e t o v ar io u s cir cu ms t an ces .
T h e p r in cip al circumstance was that the chef was not

vegetarian and did not hold the same life principles as we do. We
lost everythingagainbut learned a powerful lesson about not
going into business with anyone who could not maintain the
authenticity of the concept.
From an outside point of view it certainly appeared that we
were back to square one, and there were moments when it felt that
way too. Underneath all those layers, though, a much deeper and
revelatory transformation was occurring. What was the meaning of
it all? Why was it that, despite all of our efforts and constant
creativity, this project, that we knew was for the benefit of all, just
would not leap into itself? Why were investors not popping up all
over the place, offering their unending support and cash deposits?
Were we capable?
We believed s o s t rongly in all t hat w e w ere doing
and understood fully the concept of holistic living; we were
holistic living personified. Or were we? Asking that question was
the beginning of the true journey for me. The question left me
derailed. I had been listening to various empowerment seminars on
the Law of Attraction, manifesting the life of your dreams, and so
on, and had put the manifesting of cash to the test. It worked, at
least on a relatively small scale, and I was feeling pleased and
happy. For a while it seemed that we could earn the cash we
needed so that we wouldnt struggle through the month. We got
back a bit of quality of life and for a while all was more relaxed. As
wonderful and helpful as money is, it makes life easier but doesnt
make one truly happy! So, slowly the fun of manifesting cash

dropped off; the attention required became disproportionate to the

gain and I just stopped doing it.
At about the same time I began another experiment on
myself. M y parents spent most of the winter in the Dominican
Republic and staying with them meant that our standard of a
healthy, plant-based diet was replaced by a diet rich in fried,
processed, and sugary foods and alcohol. I was strongly resisting
this and was nervous about previous fallouts, so decided to turn it
into a positive experience by noticing any changes that occurred in
my health throughout the change in diet. I thought it would also
allow me to relate more fully with my patients.
For a time it was okay and I did not feel greatly affected by
it. However, by the end of the four months it became obvious that
I had built up what, for me, was a toxic overload. I did not feel light
and bouncy as was normal. I had difficulty getting up early in the
morning to do my practice, I had mood swings, I felt unhealthy,
and I was not a kind and loving family member. I also lacked
inspiration.
I cannot attribute all of this to the diet. Everything in life is a
choice, and I am sure that I might have been very different had I
chosen to be. However, it was part of my lesson. I reached a point
where I did nothing but criticize myself. I was frustrated, angry,
and I took it out on the people around me. I felt like a stranger
inside. It was an eye-opener for me about the mental effects our
diet has on us and how quickly w e can become
unbalanced emotionally just from what we eat.

Around this time I co-hosted a retreat with an enlightened

friend of mine. Even in the midst of the spiritual bliss, I found
myself full of self-deprecation and I lacked self-esteem, despite the
positive comments and incredible teachings we were given. M y
friend and teacher cut right through to the bone and, in pure love,
gave some pointers that jolted me into realizing that this was the
end and it had to change. I had to live my truth.
I remember lying curled up on the beach crying with such
deep emotion. I surrendered to God asking, or rather shouting, to
show me love within myself and help me pull myself out of the
state that I was in; I literally dug a hole in the sand and crawled
into it wanting to never come out again.
I do not want to fight anymore! I screamed to the sky.
Please!
At the same time, I was observing this scene from outside of
myself and I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing. You see, in that
moment, as I completely surrendered myself, I became fully alive.
We were due to return to England for family events and
celebrations. I relished being on holiday, seeing family and old
friends, and feeling cared for. It was a very healing time; the selfdeprecation began to fade and when we returned to the Dominican
Republic it was like starting a new chapter.
I resumed my early morning meditation and yoga and stayed
at home with the kids as much as I could, allowing myself to just
be. I lost the feeling of having to go out and work and, instead,
began to work on myself. The beauty of it all came back quickly

and in a short time any feeling of sadness and frustration was

replaced by lightness and joy. Things that had previously
frustrated me now seemed small and easy to resolve. I dropped the
need to be right and, instead, gained peace. It is less often now that
I allow self-criticism in. Surprisingly, this has not made me a selfimportant person but rather a more loving and compassionate one.
There is a tendency to see the beauty in everything, including
sudden and spontaneous changes of plan that previously might
have created chaos. It hasnt taken away the fire, the passion, or
the drive that I have always had, it has amplified it. M ore
importantly, it has taught me that everything is love, there is only
love, and that the only real state of being is the openness and
honesty that brings vulnerability. With vulnerability comes the
ability to accept and love anything that comes your way.
In going through this personal transformation and literally
surrendering instead of fighting, the Universe has not only begun to
drop in t o my lap what I ask for wit h such sp eed it seems
like magic, but there has also come a clearer understanding of self
and therefore, all else. It has been astonishing and, in many ways, a
relief to experience how easy it is. We can create all types of
excuses and imagine that we need some sup reme discip line
in order to evolve, to vibrate at a higher level, and yet, actually, the
effort is minimalit seems such a natural state for us. Of course
there are still days when things are not harmonious, but instead of
fighting against the tide, there is a more natural tendency now to go
with it and to ride the storm, relishing even the most challenging

moments as part of this human existence we are here to experience.

The Universe steps in to flow in harmony with us and our
thoughts. Ki-Ra is beginning to happen with ease and a natural,
almost obvious progression, and in ways that I never would have
imagined. The lessons we are learning along the way are part of the
p rocess and t hey are what make t he st ory rich and full of
excitement. Ki-Ra is a project born out of pure love and is now
being implemented through the heart rather than the head, and with
complete authenticity and genuine interest in self and planetary
healing. And all it took, or so it seems, was to stop doing Ki-Ra
and start being Ki-Ra.
Kyra M ontagu, ND, is a Founding Partner of Ki-Ra and a
naturopathic doctor, specializing in herbal medicines, Ayurvedic
practices, tropical nutrition, holistic healing therapies, and yoga.
Kyra was trained in Spain, the UK, and India and continues
to study when possible to complement her healing practice. Kyra
has boundless enthusiasm for what she does and her training and
passion have helped her choose the holistic lifestyle she lives
today. Shes eager to share this experience, having a huge
appreciation for nature and helping to develop mind, body, and
soul with a healing sense of fun.
Kyra was brought up in London and Casa de Campo resort
in La Romana, Dominican Republic, and she now lives at Ki-Ra
with her husband, Simon, and their four children.
-

Journey #11 - The Only Way Out Is

Through
by Dawn Diaz
-

My Past Was Paved by Pain

I am beautiful. I am intelligent. I am outgoing, resourceful,
compassionate, and inspiring. I Am Awesome! I know that! I see
that! The mirror doesnt lie and the respect, love, and admiration
from hundreds of people in my life dont lie. And yet, for years,
time and time again, I defined my value and my worth by whether
or not I had a mans love. The fact was at that time I didnt a have
a man who loved me and I believed I couldnt get a man to fall in
love with me because I was not worthy of that love.
Where did that come from? Well, lets see. It was circa 1971

and I was about five years old. I was the center of attention in my
family. As the only granddaughter and niece in the family, I was the
apple of everyones eye. The first moment I felt unworthy was
when I saw my mom being roughed up on the corner of Union
Street and 5th Avenue in Park Slope, Brooklyn. After that moment,
life was filled with fear, uncertainty, loss, and tragedy. As my mom
was repeatedly beaten almost daily, I remember being the cool kid
in schoolpopular, smart, and outgoing. I had many friends but no
one close enough to know what was going on at home.
At the age of nine, we moved from New York City to Puerto
Rico, where we had no family. We started living in a very rural
town called M oca, with no indoor toilets or running water. I didnt
go to school for almost a year. During the day I lost myself playing
with my little brothers in the fields with chickens, mangoes, and
sugar cane. And at night I would be eaten alive by mosquitoes.
M y two most vivid memories of M oca: One occurred on a
night when my mom was being beaten so badly that I thought she
was going to die. I ran out barefoot into the pitch-black night, to
the neighbors house way down the road. I banged on the door
asking for help saying, La va a matar! (He is killing her!). I
honestly dont remember what happened after that because it is
one of the many blackout periods in my memory.
M y two most vivid memories of M oca: One occurred on a
night when my stepfather was beating my mom so badly that I
thought he was going to kill her. I ran out barefoot into the pitchblack night, to the neighbors house far down the road. I banged on

the door asking for help saying, La va a matar! (He is killing

her!). I honestly dont remember what happened after that because
I have blackout periods in my memory. The other most vivid
memory was when my moms father (whom she had never known)
came to move us aw ay from t hat p lace. We all p iled int o
his car: my grandfather, his wife and two kids, my mom, me, my
three little brothers and, yes, my stepfather.
We moved into my grandfathers house in a very nice
suburban neighborhood in Carolina, Puerto Rico, where there were
many kids and fun things to do. At the age of ten, I fit nicely into
the social scene of bike riding and disco parties. Being under my
grandfathers roof brought a welcome respite from the violence, as
my grandfathers wife was very stern. She got my stepfather a job
and didnt put up with any of his nonsense.
After a few months we moved into a small rental house in
the city of Hato Rey, Puerto Rico. I finally started going to school,
and although Spanish was not my first language, I was able to excel
academically. We also started going to church a lot, as my mom was
a Pentecostal Christian. I began to sing in church and quickly
discovered I was talented. Things were good for a while until the
drinking and the beatings began again.
During the next three years we moved around to several
different rental houses and apartments in the San Juan
M etropolitan Area, and I had to change schools a few times. This
didnt seem to bother me much because I was great at making new
friends and creating new identities for myself. M y name is Dawn

and, in Sp anish, it s just weird. Peop le couldnt say my

name p rop erly. Inst ead of Dawn, t hey would say Down,
Door, or Don. Some of the more insensitive adults would
say, What kind of a name is that? So, I would call myself
different variations of the Spanish translation for Dawn, such as
Sunrise. I was also known as Alba, Aurora, or Amanecer.
By the time I was twelve, the outlandish paranoiac
accusations continued and got increasingly worse. M y stepfather
was working nights and would come home in the morning, wake us
up, and inspect our shoes, saying that there was sand on them,
accusing us of having been t o t he beach. H e w ould
int errogat e my lit t le brothers asking, Who was the man that
took you to the beach?
A s my mom w as s o religious , I remember a very
biz arre scenario where she was reciting verses from the Bible
while being beaten.
Father, forgive him for he knows not what he does, she
said.
I was so jaded and numb to the violence by that time that I
dont remember feeling anything about it then. Later, however, that
became one of the most infuriating memories for me. It wasnt until
twenty years later, after reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle,
that I understood the unconscious behavior Jesus (and my mom)
referred to in that verse.
By then my mom had a black eye or loose tooth at least once
a week. I got hit on occasion as well, and I remember my

mom sharing her cocoa butter stick with me so I could soothe my

bruises. That was also around the time when I started being
molested. These memories are very vague because they always
happened while I was asleep.
After that I began spending a lot of time away from home. I
began staying at friends houses, hitching rides to my grandfathers
house, shoplifting, or just walking around the streets of San Juan in
a t rance for hours and hours. I now know t hat t his was t he
psychological defense mechanism of dissociation at work. The
psyche compartmentalizes different areas of ones life and
separates him or her from the person who had or is having the
traumatic experience. I know that this is what I needed at the time;
it saved my sanity. M y brother was not that lucky. He became
schizophrenic and has never recovered.
And then one day, in a snap, it was all over! M y mom
packed all his stuff in garbage bags and put him out! It was weird;
there was no drama and no fight. He was just gone and never
came back. Finally there was p eace in the house. We started
eating meals together and talking about cool stuff. Life was
looking good. M y grandmother tells me that what made my mom
wake up was her discovery that I was being molested. its amazing
that a woman who wont take a stand for herself can suddenly
garner the courage to protect her child.
I was now fourteen and my uncle invited my brother and me
to spend the summer in New York City. I was so excited! I
remember having my suitcase packed for weeks before I was to

leave. Then finally, my grandfather picked us up and took us to the

airport. As my grandfather drove away, my mom waved goodbye
to me from behind the white wrought iron fence on the front porch,
smiling and happy that I was going to have a great summer with
relatives.
That was the last time I saw my mom.
Two weeks after I left Puerto Rico my mom was walking
with my two little brothers on a narrow sidewalk. The youngest,
who was about three years old, ran out into oncoming traffic. As
my mom ran out to save him she was struck and killed by a truck
that was barreling down the street.
M ean w h ile, I w as in A s t o r ia, N ew Yo r k , in my
u n cles apartment. M y brother and I were watching television
and I was drying clothes in a tiny washer/dryer, in the tiny kitchen.
M y uncle was sleeping because he worked nights as a paramedic.
He had told me not to wake him up for any reason. So, when the
phone rang and there was a guy wanting to speak to my uncle I
said that he couldnt come to the phone. The guy insisted on
speaking to my uncle and I persisted in taking a message because
my uncle couldnt be disturbed.
The guy finally said, Okay. Please tell him that his sister
has died in Puerto Rico.
No! I screamed.
I began cursing the guy out, yelling and screaming. M y
brother was looking at me in utter terror and confusion. M y uncle
came out of the bedroom asking, What the Hell is going on? I

said M ommy died!

Once again, my memory of that is gone. I blacked out and
dont remember any t hing unt il I w as out s ide my uncles
building learning how to roller-skate. There was no conversation
about what happened. M y two uncles just went to Puerto Rico,
took care of the funeral and brought my little brothers back to New
York City. I now understand that everyone was in his or her own
state of grief and shock. In 1981 there was no pop psychology
telling people to process things; it was just better not to bring it
up.
M y uncle had a small apartment with his wife and three kids.
He made the tough decision to raise me, the only girl, and put the
three boys in foster care. In one instant I lost everything: my mom,
my brothers, my country, my school, my friends, my room, and
my belongings. All I had was what I had brought with me for the
visit.
I suddenly had a new life in New York City.
I went to Long Island City (LIC) high school in Queens,
New York, and began the familiar routine of meeting new friends,
being outgoing, and becoming popular. The friends I gravitated
toward were the cool kids who liked rap and freestyle music, the
break-dancers, handball players, the weed-smokers, and the schoolskippers. I became all of the above.
From fourteen to twenty-one, I lived in a haze of drugs, sex,
and hip-hop. The guys I got involved with were all verbally and
physically abusive. During that time I was still very smartstreet-

wise as well as intellectual. I had good jobs and even attended

community college. I loved singing and knew I was talented. I had
dreamed of going to a school for the performing arts and being on
Star Search. I was even invited to start a girl group, and had a
chance to audition for Emilio Estefan and Chaka Kahn! But, there
was something inside of me that felt like those things were for
other people and not for somebody like me. I was unworthy.
I continued my self-destructive behavior and at twenty-one,
I became pregnant and gave birth to a son. I remember being so
happy and giddy, saying to myself, Now there will be somebody
on this planet who is going to love me!
When my oldest son was born I lived with my boyfriend of
four years, who was very abusive. But the thing is that we also had
beautiful times of fun, sex, and laughter in between the violent
episodes. I understood a little bit of what my mother had lived
through and why she stayed. M y sense of unworthiness was so
deep that even though this man treated me badly, I thought I had to
put up with it because he was the only one who was willing to be
with me and show me some type of affection or love.
A few months later, when my baby was two weeks old, I
was getting ready to take him out for a walk. M y boyfriend didnt
want me to go and the chaos threatened to escalate. The baby was
screaming in terror and I remember a light bulb going off in my head
telling me, M y child is not going to witness what I saw growing
up! Right then and there, I left. I never went back and he never
came after me. Again, a mothers love for her child prevails over

herself.
Two months later we had a christening party for my baby in
my uncles house. M y girlfriend brought her cousin, who had just
moved to New York from California. It was love at first sight! He
was so charming, polite, and helpful. We started dating and a few
months later got an apartment together. He had a good job and I
followed in my uncles footsteps becoming an EM T.
Turning Abuse into Success!
In 1992, I was a paramedic, lookin cool and sexy in the
ambulance, riding the streets of Spanish Harlem. I was on top of
the world, high on adrenaline. I couldnt believe I was getting paid
to do this! New York City, in the early nineties, was the best time
of my life!
We had been together, on and off, for three years nowthe
same age as my son. M y uncle had bought a house in Upstate New
York, and my aunt kept my baby during the week. I worked the
evening shift from 4:00 p.m. to midnight, and then it was party
time after work!
We Cheat Death was the motto of the Ghetto M edics.
Shootings, stabbings, babies in cardiac arrest, drug overdoses, and
flirting with copsthis was my typical tour of duty. After it was
all over, wed go to the bar for drinks and a few bumps of coke.
Rehab after rehab and break-up after break-up, my boyfriend
and I finally got married in 1995. I was instantly pregnant with
twin boys and we began a new, great stage in our lives. I had gotten
promoted to Lieutenant and he opened an Italian Deli. We were

both clean and sober, and it was the beginning of my spiritual

quest.
M y spiritual quest started in the twelve-step realm. AlAnon, CODA, ACOA, AA, NA, SA, DAI did them all. But
once the fog of drugs and alcohol lifted, what remained were my
feelings of unworthiness, the pain and emptiness of my past, and
the feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, no matter how pretty,
smart, and successful I was.
M y husband also struggled with his own demons and became
more distant. He constantly humiliated me, which made me more
desperate to earn his love. I spent the next ten years in therapy,
workshops, and retreats, while my marriage continued on the onand-off roller coaster.
One day a counselor told me I was in an abusive relationship
and I laughed.
What? I said. He has never laid a hand on me, I told this
crazy woman who obviously had no idea what Domestic Violence
was, or so I thought. Having witnessed and experienced the most
severe forms of abuse, it never dawned on me that I was in an
emotionally abusive relationship, especially since I was dishing it
right back! This is when I started to educate myself and learn
everything there was to know about the topic. I learned that the
disease of violence is multi-generational, multi-cultural, and does
not dis criminat e bas ed on s ocio-economic or educat ional
backgrounds.
By 2004, my dear friend, Disassociation, had allowed me to

function in the demanding, high-pressure environment of my role

as an officer in the Fire Department of New York (FDNY), while
avoiding the stresses at home. It was my job to bring calm and
order in situations of chaos and destruction. I was in charge of
building collapses, hostage situations, and hi-rise fires. During 9/11,
my task was the sorting and cataloging of body parts recovered
from the rubble. With honor and stoicism, I maintained my sanity
and composure through all of these scenarios; yet at home, I had no
voice. At home, I felt inept and incompetent and continued
searching for ways to heal the pain and fill the void of feeling
unworthy.
I left no stone unturned and accumulated tons of knowledge
in the process. I tried every philosophy, religion, book, and
seminar I could find to fix myself; but I still felt empty and
worthless. By then, I was divorced and burned out. I was done
with self-help. I was done with therapy. I was done with personal
development. I felt that it had all been a waste of time. I really did
believe that all those things worked, I just didnt believe that they
could work for me. I believed that I was too damaged, that I was
beyond repair, and that I was Unworthy.
So I made a deal with God. I said, Okay, God. Heres the
deal: Im giving up on all that personal growth stuff. Im giving up
on dreams and aspirations. Just let me have a simple, little life. All
I want is to go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch television,
have sex, and go to sleep. That was my plan.
I soon met a man with whom I thought I was going to live

this simple, little life with me, and I thanked God for answering my
prayers! Unfortunately (or fortunately) this guy was not down
with the program, and I was left alone again.
I was so upset and angry with God.
Come on! I didnt ask for a lot! Cant I even have the
simple, little life that Ive resigned myself to? Am I not even
worthy of that? Those were my questions to God.
T his w as my low es t p oint and my p eriod of
deep es t dep res s ion. I w as in emot ional agony ! T hat
w as w hen I remembered meeting a young lady named Karen
Hoyos. I had attended her seminar about a year before and I
remembered her saying that she did private coaching. I found her
number, called her, and began rattling off all my drama, problems,
stresses, and pain.
She calmly listened and then asked me one question: What
is your purpose?
M y purpose?
Yes, she said. How can you contribute to humanity?
Contribute? If I am worthless, what can I possibly
contribute?
If you could, what group of people whose lives you would
most want to impact in the world?
Immediately I felt a spark, a wave of life, a glimmer of value.
I said, I would help women who have lived through domestic
violence.
Working with Karen, I was able to turn all my years of

knowledge, skills, and experience into purpose, passion, and

contribution. I realized I had been asking the wrong question all
along. Instead of asking, How can I fix myself? I started asking,
How can I make a difference? And, in honor of my
mot her, Carmen M ilagros Lugo, the non-profit organization
M ilagros Day Worldwide was born.
In three months I held my first event where five women from
a domestic violence shelter were given the royal treatment for an
entire day. I was able to put together an army of contributors and
volunteers to make this amazing day happen. The ladies were
whisked off at 7:00 a.m. for breakfast and then received a head-totoe spa experience: haircut, color and style, facials, massages,
make-up, and a new outfit. The day culminated in a beautiful
reception where they were the guests of honor. I was on Cloud
Nine!
Who woulda thunk that I would find my worthiness by
helping others to see their own! That is how I realized one of the
core values of my message and of my life: The only way to truly
see and believe in your own value is to tangibly see the difference
and the impact that your unique presence and talent can have on
another human being! No amount of knowledge or affirmations can
equal the power of Contribution.
From there I had a renewed faith in personal development
and spirituality. I could now use all these wonderful tools in my
own life and in my inspiration to help others. It was only then
when I felt worthy of receiving the love and abundance that had

always been there for me.

For the next three years I poured all my time, energy, and
money into establishing M ilagros Day Worldwide as the premier
resource for women who have experienced domestic violence and
are ready to emotionally and spiritually shift from having a victim
mentality to having a paradigm of self-worth, forgiveness, and
contribution.
After a woman has been through emergency rooms, law
enforcement, shelters, family court, job training and/or public
assistance, what is next? We pick up where the system leaves off.
Our tagline is Turning Abuse Into Success. We provide
leadership, coaching, and mentorship to survivors, with the
approach of
Re-Creation: Who am I? Why am I here? What
do I deserve?
Re-Education: Tangible skills and relevant
tools.
Responsibility: Community service, social
impact, contribution).
With these distinctions you can never be a victim to your
circumstances, the economy, the weather, or a man!
The funny thing is, that all along, I was just desperately
trying to stop the pain, the emotional agony, and spiritual
emptiness that had cast me to the depths of depression and selfloathing. During this amazing journey of my own healing and
transformation, I never set out to become a speaker, author, and

life-coach. It just naturally happened.

What I learned was that The Only Way Out Is Through. It
takes courage, guts, balls (or cojones), to look your demons in
the eye, to choose happiness every day and to see the possibilities
beyond your present circumstances. It takes those things to
become honest, vulnerable, naked, and transparent; to push beyond
the shame, pain, hunger, and discomfort; to defy your past, your
statistics, and that little voice in your head saying you are a loser,
that you are beyond repair, and that you are unworthy.
I now know that my assignment on this planet is: it is to
share this message of self-worth with others so that they see a way
out of their own suffering to experience the joy of contribution and
the freedom of authenticity.
Now, having completed my duty with the Fire Department,
raised my three amazing sons, forgiven and made peace with my
exes , my s t ep fat her, and my mom; es t ablis hed an
amaz ing community for women in M ilagros Day Worldwide; I
am so ready and excited for the next phase of my life: Creating my
Empire of Love and Abundance!
Life is an adventure and the world is my playground!
-

Journey #12 - Finally Free

by Lisa M arie Vasquez, TNC
-

I was born in 1968, Lisa M arie. M y mother wanted a girl so

she could name her after Elvis Presleys daughter. M y mother
suffered abuse and, after her third child, left my fat her but los t
her life in a horrible accident. Her car was hit by a train and
carried twelve hundred feet. She was killed instantly. She was 19.
Her body had to be cut from the wreckage. I was told they
couldnt tell if her remains were that of a human or an animal. M y
grandmother received a call that my mother was in the hospital.
M y grandmother had no idea she was going to the morgue to
identify her daughters body.
When my mother was young, my grandmother told her to

wash the dishes. They argued but my mom finally gave in. She
banged the dishes and sighed in frustration. A cup broke and my
mothers hand was cut. They went to the ER and my mom
received stitches. It was by that scar that my grandmother
identified her body.
M y father took the insurance money and left. M y maternal
grandmother took us kids in, while raising two teenagers of her
own by herself. We were a two-year-old, a one-year-old, and the
youngest at five months.
M y grandfather was was robbed and killed on Christmas.
Other than living in a house full of rats and mice, childhood
seemed normal. M y little brother and I would pick up mice and
play with them. We played hide and seek and red light green light.
At the age of seven or eight, I did laundry several blocks away,
stepping on crates to put detergent in. I folded clothes, ironed my
grandmothers work uniforms, fixed beds, swept, and mopped.
When I turned fifteen, my grandmother put my clothes in a
garbage bag and said I had to go. She didnt want to go through
what she went through with her girls. They got pregnant young.
And, if you didnt listen to her, you would have a broom, slipper,
frying pan, book, or the closest thing she could grab thrown at you.
So, at the age of fifteen, I was homeless. I didnt know where to go.
Friends would let me stay with them but when grandmother found
out, she would threaten to send me to a home. It scared me enough
that Id go back to the street.
Next door lived a German family. The father told my

grandma he wanted to adopt and invest in me. She could see me

whenever she wanted to. She said no.
On the street, I would find houses that had blankets outside I
would use to cover myself. One day I was tired so I sat on some
stairs to fall asleep. I was not in the greatest neighborhood. While I
was sitting on the stairs, there was a drive-by shooting and two
shots were fired. Those shots would have been in my forehead had
some guy not knocked me down.
The streets were cruel.
I stayed in drug houses to get off the street, but they were
horrible. Girls took my stuff. I never said anything because they
scared me. I never thought Id die from being shot, raped, or beaten
I thought Id die of starvation. Feeling faint, the feelings of
dizziness and pain, not knowing when the next meal was coming
those were the times when I thought it was over. But, I wanted to
die. I wanted out of this prison.
I turned to pills. I swallowed a ton and then lay there
wondering if life would have been different had my mother lived. I
hated my grandmother for doing this to me. I was shocked when I
woke up. Why was I still alive? Unanswered questions were the
worst!
At that time, my younger brother was managing a store. He
introduced me to the cook and cashier. He told them to give me
anything and run a tab for him. He loaded my backpack with junk
food. I was able to feed the other homeless people and it felt good.
M y brother had a car and let me stay in it. At other times he would

have an adult get me into a hotel. That was scary. These were
hourly hotels with mirrors on the ceilings. I was still grateful. He
loved me so much. M y older brother couldnt care less. M y little
brother was too young to understand.
I loved school. Reading was my escape. I got a job so I could
get a bus pass and go to school. M y manager treated me badly so I
left and got a job at a deli near my school.
M y best friend worked downstairs and would tell me,
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I would wonder, How
long was my tunnel?
I would sit in the booth doing homework. The manager
would ask me why I didnt go home. I told her that I didnt have a
home. She said her had husband died and if I shared a bedroom I
could stay with her. I agreed.
I graduated and received a scholarship. But, summer break
came and I got pregnant.
I went back to Chicagos streets. A friend introduced me to a
guy who said he wanted to take care of me. I told him to take a
cold shower. Later I ran in to him at a park. He got me an
apartment and months later we were married.
One day he said something that worked as a wake-up call to
me. He said, Your grandmother didnt have to take you.
I went to her house, but she had moved. M y friend told me
where she was. I found her house and knocked on the door. When
she opened the door, I said, I thought youd like to see your greatgrandson.

Sometimes people make mistakes, she responded.

I took it as an apology.
M y marriage was less than perfect and far less than a fairy
tale. One day I woke up to another day of hell. That was the last
straw. I went to the doctor who told me that my insides were
damaged and I would never have any more children. I also had
cancer cells. I just wanted to live to take care of the child I had. I
was told I was going to be okay.
I taught myself how to type on a two-dollar typewriter and
got a job. M y boss was a redhead. I remember being told that
redheads have fiery tempers, but he was great. He was humble and,
despite how busy he was, taught me very much.
I travelled to different states. One year I met someone prior
to leaving to my new state. Little did I know this long-distance
relationship would lead to another marriage from hell.
Once I missed my period, the OB/GYN said I was pregnant.
We argued, but he wheeled an ultrasound machine over and said,
That oval is a baby. That movement is a heartbeat.
I know what I was told. I would never have more children.
M y pregnancy was high-risk but the baby hung in for thirty-six
weeks. Born with an infection, he had a 50/50 chance. I signed
papers to treat him and if he died I wouldnt sue. M y pastor
prayed. I cried. I didnt have faith. I thought thats what the pastor
was for. After a week, the baby came home.
Shortly thereafter, I met a lady who said her mother died but
that someone was going to come into my life who needed help. She

said, I think youre that person.

I was scared. I didnt know about shelters or programs were
available that could help. The last straw was when there was an
attempt to take my life. I prayed to God for help.
I left home and went to the corner church and asked if I could
make a call. I called my lady friend and asked her if she could come
with me to file for a restraining order. M y husband was served
with the restraining order, but it didnt help much. I had seen too
much so, out of fear, I stopped the divorce that I had filed. I felt
paralyzed. For five months, I lived in that prison.
After going to school for engineering and business, I decided I
wanted to go to cooking school. I loved food. Before I started
school, my husband came by and told me hed be back in two
weeks. I told him he wasnt coming back. I had started school and
had no sitter; I couldnt miss two days of school. Thoughts ran
through my head as I waited in line for the registration papers I
needed to get the knife set I would need for cooking school.
All of a sudden I thought, What are you doing, Lisa? You
cant miss more than two days, Lisa. You dont have a sitter, Lisa.
What was I doing?
M y first day was orientation. M y oldest child watched the
babies.
While waiting in line, I noticed a flyer that read: NEED
CHILDCARE? Go to room #___ on the first day of class. I went and
the lady asked if it was my first day. I told her that I had had
orientation yesterday.

She said, Sorry, it has to be your first day. The phone rang.
I sat there feeling defeated, again! So near and yet so far, kept
running through my head.
I could hear the mans voice on the phone ask if anyone had
come for help. She told him that she had someone there but that
the person (me) had had orientation yesterday. He told her that
orientation didnt count and to sign her up.
Good news! she said when she hung up the phone.
Youre getting childcare!
T he day care w as w onderful and t he w orkers loved
my children. M y husband came back, before the two weeks, with
Band-Aids on his neck, singing, M y baby does this for me.
I was disgusted by him! I asked him to leave, but before he
left he said, Bitch, I took everything you had and you have
nothing left. Youll be calling me back!
This time I filed for divorce, in fear, and thats when hell
broke loose. His mother said she wouldnt get involved but became
the biggest thorn in my side.
I wanted to stop the divorce in order to stop the madness,
but didnt. He was not going to control me anymore. If David
could confront Goliath, I was going to confront this mess. I might
be afraid but I was also very determined.
I knew God was showing Himself to be real when, one day, I
was driving to school to take a final exam and I started talking to
Him.
God, I said, you made this world and everything in it

right and Im your daughter so I feel like Im entitled to everything.

All I want right now is some chai tea from Starbucks.
M y gas indicator light came on in the car. Reality set in.
God, even if I had a few dollars Id need to get gas. Please,
God, let me make it to the school so I can take my final.
I made it. I opened my locker, which I shared, to put my
backpack in and staring at me was a Starbucks chai. M y mouth fell
open. I ran to the bathroom and in to the handicap stall. I started
balling. I said, God, you are real and you knew what I wanted
before I even asked you. Why hadnt I asked for a M ercedes? I
was very grateful. That drink seemed to hug every one of my
internal organs.
I needed new tires because the car wasnt riding right. One
day I took the kids to daycare and saw this man wheeling in tires. I
stared at them. He looked at me and asked if I needed tires. I
thought it was an awkward question but responded with a yes.
He asked what kind of car I had. I said that I had a Corolla. He said
that the tires came off a car similar to mine. He told me to place a
bid on them in the silent auction the next day. I didnt know what a
silent auction was. The daycare director gave me her card and said
to call her at 9:00 a.m.
Early the next morning, I explained to the chef what was
going on. At 8:55 a.m. he whipped his office keys at me. Everyone
thought I was in trouble but I knew he was telling me to go make
that call. I asked the director why I was calling her. (It was a threeway call.) She asked what I wanted to bid. I said if I won I didnt

have money to pay for them. She asked if I wanted to bid $5.00. I
said, Okay.
Well, my soon-to-be ex-husband was bidding too. He said it
was to secure them for his wife: me! The silent auction ended at
5:00 p.m. and I got there shortly before only to see that he and
another woman were bidding against me. It was up to $50.00. I bid
$50.50 and won.
The man who had originally wheeled the tires in saw me,
stopped, and said, You won the tires, right?
YES! I responded.
He offered to put them in my car. I told him to wait. I didnt
have the money. The secretary called me over and said that she
knew I didnt have any money but that she was buying the tires
for me.
A man from a church put the tires on my car and said, One
day, when you have money, put a little extra in the offering.
I was going to school, working part-time, getting paid enough
for rent and gas, but I always seemed to have money for bills.
I received at least ten scholarships. Some were $1,000 each. I
started to believe that miracles were real. I finished the program
and was grateful that I didnt have to work a full-time job right
away because my baby had special needs; I was told he had
autism. He was different, but so cute and sweet. I didnt know
what autism was so I did research. I took him to occupational
therapy and, against his doctors wishes, I changed his eating by
removing gluten and casein. I used chelation to remove toxic metals

and slowly he began communicat ing wit h me, looking at

me, and hugging me. It was priceless! I lost every cent I ever had
and every material item I ever had, but I still had some breath in
me. I had all the love in the world for my children and I was
determined to get out of this mess.
The divorce dragged on for a long time mainly because of the
children. Despite my pleading with the childrens lawyer not to
give their dad visitation, she did anyway and that spun me into the
deepest depression. I wanted life as I knew it to end again but I
knew those precious children needed someone to fight for them and
to love them. I wanted to do things different than my grandma had
done with me. I wanted to be there for them. It was another battle
in my head.
All I could do was pray because I felt that I was going to
have a heart attack. There was grant money through a hospital to
counsel my daughter. I took a domestic violence class to help
myself. As time went on, things got better. They say time heals all
wounds. M y son continued to get better. I added clay baths to
detox his body. I gave him lots of guacamole with fresh cilantro
because I learned that cilantro was a natural chelator that removes
toxins from the brain. When he was doing well, I decided to go back
to work.
M y divorce was still dragging. I would pray that God would
remove this man from our lives. M y children and I needed to be
free mentally.
One day I got involved with an outreach ministry that fed

people, brought blankets and clothes to the homeless, and prayed

for the sick. Ladies at church would ask me to pray with them
when they were going through the same thing I was. I felt like a
hypocrite. I would tell them that God is on the throne, that Jesus
was their defender, their advocate, and their protector when I
didnt even know what was going to happen in my own situation.
Not too long ago, I went to court and spoke those words
over my situation, saying, Jesus, you are the kids defender, their
advocate, and their protector. Do your job and I am going to sit
here and receive your peacethe peace that you died for me to
have. I kid you not, I didnt even have to take the stand. The
judge called a meeting in his chambers, came out, and ended the
case. No visitation. Jesus was so alive to me.
I was escorted to my car, as I walked and I kept saying,
Jesus, you are alive. When I got in the car, the song Alive by
Natalie Grant was on. I started crying. I could barely see because
tear drops were all over my glasses.
I got to work and my boss said, Lisa, I need your help right
away.
I looked at her and said, Its over. Once she realized what I
was talking about, we both started crying together.
Oh Lisa! she said. Thats just way more important than
this.
Today, the children and I are finally free! God is real. His
grace and mercy really do surpass all understanding. When we
surrender to Him, he can make anything happen. Believe it! If all of

us were pieces of a puzzle, that puzzle would not be complete

without you. You have a gift that is going to change your life and
change the world.
Forgive the people who have hurt you, including yourself.
Holding onto resentment only makes you bitter, not better, and
stresses you out. I forgave my ex-husband, his family, and my
grandmother. Today my grandmother, her great-grandchildren, and I
have a wonderful relationship. I know now that she had to kick me
out. Otherwise, I could have never learned those life lessons. Love
yourself. Surround yourself with positive people. Take your mind
off of your situation by helping others. Know that the Hell youve
been through, or are going through, is for a reason and for a season.
I also thank God that He is the Father to the Fatherless.
Hatred, bitterness, suicidethey were never the answer.
God showed me what my name, Lisa, stood for: Love IS Action!
Take action to love yourself enough to be the person you dream
you can be. Look at people who have overcome horrendous
obstacles: Corrie Ten Boom (the Holocaust), Oprah (poverty and
abuse), Helen Keller (blindness), Ellen DeGeneres (network didnt
renew her sitcom) and Donald Trump (lost all his money). All of
these people could have given up but didnt and neither should
you.
M y pastor said the Chinese letter for crisis and opportunity
is the same. They all decided to see the opportunity in the
problem. Look at your problems as challenges. We cant control
what happens to us but we are the only ones who can take

responsibility for what we do with our lives and our future. The
world needs you! Remember this when you feel afraid: FEAR
stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.
A successful p erson is one who takes every lemon that
life throws at him or her, squeezes the juice out, adds water and
sweetener, and drinks the lusciousness of life.
Oh, and that light at the end of the long tunnelI finally got
to it. Jesus!
In John 8:12 of the Bible, Jesus said, I am the light of the
world. If you follow me, you wont have to walk in darkness,
because you will have the light that leads to life.
It worked for me I AM FINALLY FREE!
-

Journey #13 Are You Winking in the

Dark?
Lee M aria
-

Just a simple assignment - thats how it began. M y friend,

Sharon, and I were planning a workshop on grief recovery. She
asked me to write a sample goodbye letter to someone I care about.
Better yet, to someone who had hurt me in the past. It didnt
matter if that person were living or dead. Just write the letter,
she said.
At first, I couldnt think of anyone I hadnt forgiven. After
all, I had been teaching grief recovery and forgiveness for many
years.
M y mom came to mind. I didnt want to bother writing

about her. I just knew I had dealt with her issues and, they were
not that significant. I certainly didnt consider myself an abused
child.
I had no idea what would happen. I began writing and it
seemed my fingers were disconnected from my body and my mind.
I was fascinated by the way my fingers wrote this letter all by
themselves. I could not believe the story. I watched it unfold all by
itself. Yes, it was my story. I had never seen it in black and white
before. I was shocked! I was torn between loyalty to my mother
and yearning to tell the truth. I was shaking, shivering, and
terrified, but I wrote the letter anyway.
Dear M om,
You loved me, and I always knew you did. And, you hated
me, and I always knew that too.
You taught me many love lessons. I want to remember some
of those lessons so I can repeat them in my own life. There were
other lessons I would rather forget. Yet, I know I need to remember
the hurtful lessons so I never ever repeat them in my life.
Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never
hurt me. Remember that old saying? Well, its a lie. I remember the
mean words from you, M om. They pierced my soul: Lee, I hate
you. You are so much trouble! I hate you. You moron. You are
stupid. What have I done in my life that is so bad that God would
punish me with a daughter like you?
You shook me and threw me against the wall. I ended up
with a black eye. You said, That black eye is your own fault. You

should never tell anyone how you got it because then everyone
would know how bad you are. Sometimes I didnt even know
what I had done wrong.
[Awakening: I think my mom felt stupid. She didnt go to
high school and always felt so ashamed about it. She was talking
about herself when she said terrible things to me, but she didnt
know it. I didnt know it either; I was just a little kid.]
M om: remember how I loved the Sears catalog? I looked at
that catalog by the hour. I imagined how I would look in those
pretty clothes. M om, you threatened me with that catalog. You
said, Lee, you are so shy and so afraid of strangers! Too bad for
you. Listen to me. You see all those kids whose pictures are in the
Sears catalog? Well, they were so bad that their parents sent their
pictures to Sears so strangers can order them! If youre not good, I
am going to send your picture to Sears and strangers are going to
order you and you can never come home again.
[Awakening: M aybe she felt like a stranger in her own home,
in her own village. She was probably talking about herself, but she
didnt know it. I didnt know it either because I was just a little
kid.]
Remember my brand new, red coat? Remember the Easter
party? I was so proud of my new, red coat that I jumped out of the
car to show everybody and slid face first into a great big, deep
puddle of mud. You said, Lee, you stupid, clumsy girl. Why dont
you watch where you are going? Didnt you see the mud? You
ruined your coat. You ruined our day. You ruin everything.

Everybody stood there watching us. They were frozen in

terror. Nobody moved or said a word when you spanked me on my
butt and legs and everywhere. You said, You dont deserve to go
to a party. You called me bad names. Nobody said a word all the
way home. You kicked me on every step up to my room and then
hit me with a belt.
[Awakening: M y mom never had a new coat in her whole
life. She was mourning all the pretty clothes she never had. She
was talking about herself but she didnt know it. I didnt know it
either; I was just a little kid.]
Do you remember this, M om? I was terrified of the dark. I
was sure a wolf with big teeth was living in my closet. I was afraid
to even open the door; it was too dark in there.
One night I walked home alone from the ice rink. I lost one of
my thick, warm socks somewhere along the way. M om, I was
afraid to tell you. I was even more afraid to go back and look for
that sock because it was really dark out.
You said, Lee, Ill teach you once and for all not to lose
things. That sock you lost was hand-knitted! Why are you so
careless? You are worthless! You cant do anything right. I am
sorry you were ever born.
You threw me into the dark, tiny closet in my roomno air,
no windows, and no light. You locked the door. I was petrified. I
was frantic. I screamed in there and pounded on the door and
begged you to let me out while my cousin sat on my bed and cried
for me.

[Awakening: M y mom was in the dark herself. She was

scared of everything and everybody. She was talking about herself
but she didnt know it. I didnt know it either because I was just a
little kid.]
Through it all, M om, I always knew you loved me. I knew
that deep down in your heart, you loved me. You did the best you
could. I remember lots of good stuff too, M om. I have not
forgotten. You did some incredible things for me. Now listen to
these wonderful stories of happy memories.]
I longed for a beautiful skirt I saw in a store window. M om,
you loved it too. Your face fell when you saw the price. You
looked disappointed because you did not have the money to buy
me that skirt. The day of the big party, you gave me a large, flat
box. Inside the box was a beautiful skirt you made for me. Even
though you had problems with your vision, your back and neck, as
well as stiff fingers, you sewed five thousand sparkly sequins on
that skirt. It was just as pretty as the one in the store window.
I told everybody, M y mom made this skirt for me.
M om, thank you for making beautiful clothes for me. I was
voted the best dressed girl in elementary school and high school.
[Awakening: M y mom never had new clothes or anything
that was beautiful when she was a little girl. She wanted to give me
my hearts desire. She was living out her own dreams at the same
time she made my dreams come true.]
Remember the nights when no one could sleep, M om? Every
night, until I was almost ten years old, I cried and screamed in the

middle of the night in terror. It was impossible to wake me up or

comfort me. I didnt remember anything about it the next morning.
Other times I woke up from a scary dream, M om, and you
let me sleep next to you and you hugged me in the dark. I felt safe
and warm.
[Awakening: M y mom was afraid of the dark too and she
wanted me to feel safe.]
M om, you made clothes for my beloved dolly. I made up her
name all by myself. I thought it was a beautiful name. I called her
M uhloo. Her eyes opened and closed and she seemed like a real
baby to me. One day her eyes fell back inside her head. I was
frantic.
I cried, M om, help! M uhloos eyes are gone. M uhloo cant
see.
You said, Its okay, Lee. Shes sleeping now so she doesnt
need to see. Daddy and I will fix it when he comes home. You and
Daddy melted crayons to make new eyes for M uhloo. Those new
eyes did not open and close, but at least she could see.
[Awakening: M om never had toys, and she wanted me to be
happy with my dolly.]
The beach! A lake! A bonfire! Hot dogs and marshmallows!
People sitting on the rocky beach, singing beautiful old songs. Kids
running barefoot on those smooth, rounded rocks on the shore,
shouting and laughing. Everybodys dream of a warm, summer day.
Remember that day, M om?
Remember the scream? Ow, ow, ow! Help! This beach was

a totally rocky one, but the rocks were rounded and smooth and
easy to run on. We were playing tag and I just happened to run
across a place where another bonfire had burned out and the rocks
were still blistering hot. No matter which direction I ran, more hot
rocks. I screamed for help. I was frantic, running in circles,
screaming and crying.
M om, you came running to me. You picked me up and
carried me to the lake. You dunked my feet in the cool water. Then,
you carried me to the bonfire where the family was sitting. You
held me in your lap and sang to me. You rocked me. You held me
close. M y face was snuggled in your neck. It was blissful there in
your lap.
This is worth it, I said to myself. Its okay that my feet
are blistered. Its okay that they hurt really bad. Its worth it. Right
now I know you love me. You knew pain, and often felt unloved
yourself, and you wanted to comfort me.
Life was a mystery. I didnt know what I did wrong, and
didnt know what would please my mom from one moment to the
next. I tried really hard to make her happy. She often told me,
Lee, you smile too much. You laugh too much. Remember, so
much good equals so much bad. So, dont be too happy. The fall is
terrible.
A wink in the dark saved me. A wink in the dark saved my
life. The wink in the dark came from my darling Gramma. She was
the best psychiatrist in the world. She saved me. She saved my
sanity.

Gramma adored me. I knew in my heart of hearts that there

was nothing in the world I could do that would make her stop
loving me. She showed me how much she loved me. She let me
make my own little loaf when she baked bread, and even dared to
take a bite of it. By the time I was through playing with the dough
and shaping it and re-shaping it, it was kind of tough and dirty. She
didnt care; she took a bite anyway.
Weekends at Grammas house were heavenly. She let me
pump water from the well and serve glasses of water to her friends
who werent even thirsty. She let me iron clothes. We washed
clothes together. I love the smell of Fels-Naptha soap and bleach to
this day. I caught the clothes after they went through the handcranked wringer. I felt needed and important; I felt loved.
The only heat in Grammas house came from a wood-burning
stove in the kitchen. The bedroom was icy cold. I slept all warm
and cozy snuggled next to her. In the morning, she got up first and
built a fire in the stove. When she heard me stir, she gathered up
my clothes and put them in the warming oven so I could scramble
into toasty warm clothes when I got up.
Gram spoke Finnish and a little English. She had a third grade
education but she had more wisdom than anyone I know.
One day she sat me in her lap so that I was facing her and
said: Lee, I know your mother hits you and says very terrible
things to you. She says you are bad but you are a good girl. You are
my good little girl. (Sinna on minuun hyvaa tyttoh).
Your mom cant help herself when she gets upset. Her life

was so hard. Aija [my mothers dad and my grandfather] chased

her out in to the snow with bare feet, throwing knives at her! Aija
sent her far away to live with strangers and work as a maid when
she was only thirteen. Lee, just love her anyway. Dont fight back
or talk back or run from her. That only makes things worse.
M inna rakastan sinua oikien paljon Santra translates to, I
love you very much, Lee. She looked deep into my eyes, with her
beautiful, sparkling grey eyes. You are good. You are my good,
little girl. When you get spanked or hollered at, dont forget what
Im telling you.
Grammas looks, and her words, were like a wink in the dark.
When I was crying, when I hurt, when my butt was stinging from
spankings, I found comfort and peace remembering how she looked
at me and what she said. M y gramma is a good person.
Everybody just loves her. So, if she says Im a good person, then it
must be so. It must be the truth. I am a good person after all, I
reasoned.
That wink in the dark began in the eye of God. There was a
time when God looked out upon the universe He had created, and
scanned t he blue skies and t he green and growing t hings;
He admired t he animals, t he lakes, t he mount ains, t he
wind, t he sunshine, and the moon. He said, Oh, I am lonely for
one like me.
With love and a word, and maybe a wink, He created Adam
and Eve, and a multitude of people, including you and me! He
knitted us (you and me) cell by cell in our mothers wombs, with a

purpose for our lives that no one else could fulfill. I am, and you
are, unique, irreplaceable, and unduplicatable. We are adored by the
Creator. No person on this planet Earth can change that fact unless
you or I allow it. The God who created all things is a God of love
and He loves you and He loves, even, me.
The healing was easy now. That wink in the darkness led to
light. Light glowed in the form of forgiveness.
Continuing my letter:
M om, I know you can see me from Heaven. Its okay now,
M om. I forgive you and I love you and I always have. You did the
best you could. I understand you had a nervous breakdown when
you were young. And, M om, I am okay now. You dont have to
worry about me. I grew up to be a nice person. I think you are
proud of me. I raised a bunch of kids! I am a gramma myself now,
and even a great-gramma.
I help p eop le, M om. I am a t eacher and a t herap ist
and a p reacher somet imes. And, I went t o school, M om.
You alway s wanted me to have degrees so I got four of them! I
did that mostly for you.
And M om, I love my life and I love you. I am a happy
person. I am grateful for every lesson I learned. So, lets say
goodbye to the past.
All through my growing-up years, I felt that I was treated
unfairly. I truly believed that when I grew up, I would be the mom,
and my mom would be the little girl. With my hands on my hips,
my jaw jutting out a little, I defiantly said, You just wait, M om.

When I get big and you get little, and I am the mom and you are the
little girl, I am going to hit you! Im going to yell at you! Im going
to pull your hair!
That day never came and yet, in an unexpected way, it did.
Rather than a payback, the reward was a pay-it-forward.
As I got older and understood more, I couldnt wait to grow
up so I could tell my mom all the bad things she did and said to me,
and how bad and wrong she was. I studied psychology and earned
a few degrees. I learned all I could in that wonderful academy called
the school of life. I discovered my own weaknesses and flaws
and I was humbled.
I didnt need to tell my mom how bad she was anymore. I
just wanted healing for her. And there it wasa wink in the dark.
The process was full of struggles interspersed with moments of
free falls. Transformation is a process of alchemy. From dirty, dusty,
pitch black coal comes the miraculous sparkle of diamonds.
However, the abuse continued for the rest of my life, though
the form changed from physical to emotional.
I followed a plan of forgiveness that works for people of all
ages:
Name the person and the offense.
Write an unedited letter from beginning to end.
Read the letter aloud.
Burn the letter.
Relax and imagine a chain tying you to the
offender. Imagine cutting the chain with chain
cutters. Imagine the chain just floating away.

Let go and give the issue to God.

Do a happy dance.
I didnt want to judge her or blame her anymore. I wanted
healing for her. I wanted enough love to permeate her soul so she
would no longer be defined by her circumstances. I wanted her to
be a whole, healthy, and happy person. And, there it was, a
moment of Heaven on Eartha wink in the dark for both of us.
Forgiveness is a great healer. Every one of us needs to forgive
every one who has hurt us. Somebody wiser t han I once
said, Forgive everybody for everything.
Judgment is not our task here on Earth. God takes care of
that. The only ones who can throw stones are the ones who have
no stones to throw because they have never done anything wrong.
Remember, there is value in pain. Pain opens spaces for more love.
Without pain, its almost impossible to be compassionate or to
have empathy. Without pain, joy and love remain superficial.
Whatever the issue, whatever the question, the answer is
always love. Gerald Jampolsky said something very profound. He
said, Everything we say and do is about loveeither a cry for
love or an expression of love. M y moms life was a cry for love.
There is a postscript to this story:
P.S. Late in her life, my mom was very ill, with memory
problems and physical maladies. She was weak and very lonely
without my dad. She was ready to leave planet Earth. M y dad was
her wink in the dark and without him all of life was dark.
The phone rang early one morning. Lee, my mom said in a

weak and shaky little voice. Lee, I have some bad memories. I
think I was not kind to you. Lee, did I give you a bad time all your
life? Oh, I am so sorry. [I had never heard her say sorry, no matter
what.] I dont know why I did that. You were always my number
one. I told everybody else how proud I was of you. I never told
you. Lee, I am proud of you and I love you.
Again, there it wasa moment of Heaven on Earth. Now I
really am the motherly, grown up one, who forgave the
little, help les s mom. F orgivenes s broke t he chain of get back and revealed a deep love.
A wink in the dark saved me. A wink in the dark is the
knowledge that you are loved, adored, and valued, always. Nothing
and nobody can change that fact. Sometimes the love gift comes
through a person and sometimes it comes directly from God.
Remember, all winks in the dark began in the eye of our Creator.
Are you winking in the dark? Look for your wink in the dark.
For every person on this planet Earth, there is someone who
discovered who each one, including you, really is. That someone
loved you and nurtured you, even if you only saw that person
once in a while. That feeling of love is never forgotten. Scan your
memory bank and find memories that heal and comfort you.
Are you a wink in the dark for someone who is wandering
aimlessly or suffering? Notice the lonely, lost, and hurting people
in your part of the world. Discover their uniqueness. Send love and
caring their way.
Our job here on planet Earth is to spread enough light to

obliterate the darkness and bring Heaven to Earth in the blink of an

eye.
-

EPILOGUE
Daniel Gutierrez
-

We all have a story; its what we do with that story that

defines our future.
It is hard for me to put into words just how p roud I am of
every author who took the challenge to open his or her heart and
to share his or her story in such an open and raw way. I know that
is was challenging for some of these authors because it meant
reliving the sometimes horrible memories that had been put to rest
many years ago.
It is true that we live in a very chaotic world and sometimes
many may feel like they are alone in their exigencies without a soul

to really understand their pain. These journeys prove that those

thoughts are not true and that if you choose to you, too, can rise
from any circumstance and thrive!
These stories also give you the opportunity to step into
awareness of the truth. That truth is this: no matter what you are
experiencing in this moment, like the rays of the sun are not
separate from the sun neither are you from the love and warmth of
Source/God/Universe. This is one of the things I teach.
When we learn this truth through the journeys in this book,
we begin to become aware of our sometimes misguided thinking
that tells us we are alone, we are nobody, that we will never get out
of this alive, and that we are outcasts. Quite the opposite is true
because in awareness we have a choice and that choice is to keep
believing what we always have or to do something different. That
is what each and every one of these authors did. They reached
down deep inside of themselves and they built on that knowledge
that people are all born in the image of greatness and therefore they
are great and the authors built on that.
M any lessons were learned by these authors when this truth
was acted upon. Throughout this book they poured their hearts
out to demonstrate what could be done in this newfound
awareness. Some of these profound and life changing truths were:
Trust that all is well and this too shall pass.
We all have a spiritual connection and we all need to be
clearing up our wounded bodies and living our truths.
Authenticity is the key to healing and
living in our greatness.

That sometimes we have to faith it till we

make it.
Never, never giving up no matter what.
Living in the Now.
If you chooselife is your teacher.
Be still and look within and feel and listen;
all of lifes lessons are waiting to be
revealed to you.
Dont lose faith in yourself.
Transparency is the antidote for shame.
Self-forgiveness is healing, peace, and
freeing and you deserve it.
And many more . . .
On my path to peace and tranquility I, too, have learned
these wonderful and t imeless t rut hs. I have found t hat all of
my experiences were just thatexperiences. I can choose to get
caught up in the hell I create to make myself right about my beliefs.
Or, I can choose to look at each and every experience in my life and
learn from them and glean the wisdom. One thing is true about it
all: no matter what way I choose to believe, I am right either way.
M y wish for you is that you, too, have learned from these
journeys and that ultimately you have the key to accept yourself,
forgive yourself, and to love yourself. If you can do what these
authors have done and accept your greatness you, too, can build on
it and thrive!
-