Fathers and Sons

Lack of male role models is taking its toll on our boys and young men.
Post published by Rosemary K.M. Sword and Philip Zimbardo Ph.D. on Jun 12, 2015 in The Time Cure

SHARECiao! Phil Zimbardo here. Id like to share some alarming new

information weve gathered about men and boys, fathers and sons:

Source: Philip G Zimbardo

Most men my age have been raised to Be a Man. We inherently know what this
means: Dont ask for help, figure it out, buck up, suck it up, never admit failure, dont
even ask for directions. Of course, emotions are for girls and tears are for women;
crying was for sissies. We learned to stuff our emotions into compartments until they
seeped out sidewaysin irritation and anger. Like Atlassingularly carrying our worlds
on our shoulders, but many men are unable or incapable of sharing our true thoughts or
burdens with others who might help us relieve them. The cost is that we end up
suffering incredible stress and strain.
The Devastating Consequences

How do we deal? By working too much, eating too much, drinking too
much, smoking too much, and in these modern times, we retreat into the world of
technology, where we can surf the net endlessly and have an illusion of being socially
connected to our contacts. We suffer hypertension, high blood pressure, heart attacks,
and die seven years earlier than our women. Social isolation permeates our species
and leads to the deterioration of our bodies, minds and spirits. Most men have no real
friends living nearby that they can count on for help and comfort in time of need. And
then half of us who do get married, cant make it work and end up divorced, some living
alone, and surviving in boring jobs, living meaningless lives.
This sense of anomie, inadequacy, and pent-up frustration has devastating
consequences, as seen in high homicide, rape, abuse and battery statistics. With few
exceptions, males, many of whom felt rejected or socially excluded, carried out 98% of
the 87 (87!!) shootings that have taken place in schools since Sandy Hook in Newtown,
CT, two and a half years ago. Our male veterans are committing suicide at a steadily
increasing rate; 49,000 committed suicide from 2005-2011 and an estimated 8,000
every year since. Thats a total of 73,000 veteran suicides in 10 years! Add to these the
fact that the suicide rate after divorce is ten times higher for men than women, and we
truly have an epidemic.
If that negative scenario were not bad enough, we pass this wrong life message onto
our sons about what it is to be a man. Our sons, who are the Boomers AKA The
Entitlement Generation who gave birth to the Millennias (Gen X, Y, etc.) turned their
back on this antiquated lesson and put their own spin on it: They have allowed their
sons to raise themselves, effectively becoming Generation Screwed.
Man (Dis)connected
We note that too many of our young men these days are failing academically, socially
and even sexually. They are performing poorly in school at all levels, dropping out at
alarming rates, unable to carry on civil conversations with women, to befriend them, and
even to find sexual satisfaction in romantic/erotic relationships. Many have reported in a
large-scale recent survey that they find their lives meaningless, without focus or

purpose, lacking a sense of personal identity and self-worth. They feel they cant
compete with girls and women in school because females work harder to get better
grades.
One contributor to their demise, which I explore in my new book, Man (Dis)connected:
How technology has sabotaged what it means to be a male, (Zimbardo and Coulombe,
Rider, 2015) is the absence of dads as role models for achievement, given that over
40% of all boys live in a fatherless home, due to divorce, separation, and more due to
absentee dads just working full time. America leads the industrialized world in this
domain of fatherless families! So what are our boys doing instead of schooling and
socializing? They are retreating into the world of technology, becoming dependent on
video games, which are designed to become ever more enchanting, and on the side
also becoming addicted to freely accessible online pornographya new killer duo for
The Human Connection.
Time to Get In Touch with Your Human-Side
We can do something to help our boys and young menWe have the perfect
opportunity at this critical juncture in our lives to leave behind our old ways of thinking
about what it takes to be a man or a woman. It is time to just be HU-MAN. Being
overwhelmed, stressed and strained, are human experiences, especially in these
tough economic times. However, learning to share our emotions and communicating
about our feelings is healthy and should be an important part of problem solving.
Men have to learn to do what women do: make time for friends, make time for family,
and also make time to be a positive role model a caring mentor for sons, as well
as daughters. Time is not static and fixed, it is infinitely variable and subjectively created
in our minds, to be stretched to fit our needs, expanded to enjoy current life experiences
more fully, contracted for painful ones in the past and present, and projected into the
future to optimistically imagine a joy-filled life ahead for each of us and our community
of friends. In Man (Dis)connected, we detail many solutions to combat this
new addiction to a virtual reality life for boys and men government, schools,
media, parents, women and men.

Moving Forward
In The Time Cure, (Zimbardo, Sword and Sword, Wiley 2012), you will discover some
simple truths that can change your life for the better. YOU have the power to start
changing the way you view your negative old thoughts and replace them with past
positivememories. You will learn simple strategies to enjoy selected present hedonism
and take better care of yourself, to enjoy fully good food, drink, music, art, dancing, and
especially romancing.
Youll learn the damage non-communication brings to relationships and the importance
of carving out time from your busy schedule to spend quality time with those you love.
Old dogs can learn new tricks just like young ones, and we older dads have
the wisdom of age and experience to add to these life-enriching activities. But most of
all, you will learn how to create an ideal future for yourself that will be a beacon of joys
and good times ahead.
And although it may seem ironic given this columns message, Ive helped develop the
following: AETAS Mind Balancing Apps. So if you dont have the time to indulge in
reading a book, or if reading just isnt your thing, get our new app (link is external)to
quickly learn more about yourself as well as ways to help cope with lifes stress.
My friends, its all a matter of time, to be used wisely and well.
Ciao and happy fathers day! Phil Zimbardo

For in-depth information about how your life is affected by the mental time
zones that you live in, please check out our website(link is external), and our
books, The Time Cure(link is external) and The Time Paradox(link is
external).

Learn more about yourself and how to cope with stress

and anxiety atdiscoveraetas.com(link is external).

Visit our Psychology Today blog to get a fuller appreciation of how to

create a more balanced time perspective in your life!

References

Man(Dis)connected How technology has sabotaged what it means to be male,

Phil Zimbardo and Nikita Duncan. Rider 2015.

22 Veterans commit suicide every day, by Justin

Worland. http://time.com/3694053/veteran-suicide/(link is external)

U.S. military struggling to stop suicide epidemic among war veterans, by Ed

Pilkington. http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/feb/01/us-military-suicideepidemi...(link is external)

How can government battle a suicide epidemic among veterans, by Jordain

Carney. http://www.nationaljournal.com/defense/how-can-government-battle-asuici...(link is external)

Resources

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/(link

is external)

National Institute of Mental Health - http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml(link is

external)

Video Game Addiction/On-line Game Addiction - http://www.video-gameaddiction.org/(link is external)

OLGA - http://www.olganon.org/home