The Reality in Pride by Rico Dometita

In writing is where I found my escape.

It has nursed my wounds and welts.
It has become my medicine, one thing that keeps me not alive, but living.
You are about to read the record of my reality, the vision of my fantasy,
the personification of my joy, the incarnation of my pain, the realization of my dreams,
and the evidence of my nightmares.
I am proud of whom I am now.
Make the right decision and love who you truly are.

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The Reality in Pride by Rico Dometita

CHAPTER I:
It hurt. I didnt think it would hurt. My deluded mind was stuck in the frame that it
wouldnt happen. It happened a year ago, but it still hurts like it was just yesterday. It hurts
because I live with the constant reminder of what happened that night.
(Honey, whats wrong? You look down.
Mom, I, uh
I couldnt look her in the eyes. I consciously thought that things would go well, but the
deepest corner of my mind housed the thought it would go instantly horrible. I sighed and tried
to think of what to say.
Is something bothering you?
I just nodded, unable to form any words. My mouth opened and closed, but no sound
came out. I was standing in her doorway, dumbfounded and idiotic. I wanted to disappear and
forget I started this.
You know you can tell me anything, right?
Yeah, Mom
She took me by the hand and led me to sit on her bed. She sat next to me, patiently
waiting for me to talk. My hands were shaking. I tried to wish them away. My mother put a
comforting hand on my shoulder.
Mom, Im gay.
There, I said it. Its out there.
"You're GAY?"
It was time for the explosion.
"Yes Mom, I am." I tried my best to sound confident, but looking down and seeing my
mother's eyes shattered me completely. Mom's eyes were filled with hurt and tears. I wanted to
hug her and tell her it will be alright, but I also feared the physical repercussions.
"How can you be gay? Did I do something wrong in raising you?"
"No, Mom. It's just what I feel."
"Are you mad at me? Why are you doing this to me?" Her questions were frantic and her
tears were rolling freely down her cheeks.
"I didn't choose this, Mom."
"Jonathan Sanchez, you are not gay."
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"And you can't dictate that, too."
"I had such high hopes for you."
"I'm gay, Mom, not stupid or dying."
"Stop saying that! I raised a boy!"
"I still am a boy, Mom. I never wanted to dress like a girl or even become one. I'm just
attracted to boys."
"No, you will not tell your father when he calls. He will not take this lightly and his heart
could give out."
I nodded and left Moms room. My chest clenched and tears fell. "It's not like we talk that
much anyway," I muttered between shaky breaths. I walked into my room and plopped on my
bed. My head was feeling light and my body was going numb. I was well aware what was going
on. I was hyperventilating and I refused to stop it. The world was turning dark around me and
the numbness reached my face. In a few seconds, I felt arms wrap around me, but the world
around me faded away.)
That memory haunts me every moment of my life. Today is the start of my junior year of
nursing school. Instead of taking the bus to school, I decide to walk. I arrived at school with a
half hour to spare. Taking a last look at my schedule, I walk into the empty room and sit near the
windows. My eyes are feeling heavy. I want to doze off.
"Hi Nathan, I didn't see you on the bus today.
I look up and see one of my best friends, Angela. We were classmates since our freshman
year and we were lucky enough to be in almost all of the same classes. She is small in stature and
she has a scar on her cheek that was charming and that it adds to her uniqueness.
"I decided to walk to school this morning."
"You live far from here."
"I know. I just needed some fresh air to help me think."
"Is something wrong?"
I remember that same question last year.
("I came out to my mom last night."
Angela was frozen with her mouth gaping.)
I just wanted some time to think as usual, Ang.

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(Angela was frozen with her mouth gaping. She was one of the selected individuals
Nathan chose to come out to. Angela was one of the people he trusted the most. When she broke
out of her daze, she did not know what to say, so she just decided to give him a tight hug. She
saw the sadness and loss in his eyes, but she tried her best to smile.
"Alright, what do I not know right now?"
Angela and Nathan turned to see their friend, Karla. She was a small girl like Angela, but
she always wore a confident smile. She walked over to them and gave them both a hug. Nathan
towered over the two girls, but he felt safe when they were around, like they were the ones
guarding his fragile feeling.
"It happened last night," Angela said. Karla was speechless. She let out a tiny shriek and
held onto his arm. Nathan tried to smile the best he could, but they could easily see right through
the mask. Before Nathan could explain, their teacher arrived and class began. Nathan went most
of the day replaying the events that happened the night before. He almost always had to stop
himself from crying. No one could get much out of him.)
You think too much, Nathan.
Whats on your mind this time? Karla asks.
I plead with my eyes for them to stop asking, but I know its pointless. I have no power to
persuade them into changing the topic. I sigh and look out the window. I try and think of what to
say, what excuse I could give, but nothing comes up.
Im just nervous about our junior year.
Its barely the first day. What are you nervous about?
I think Im more excited than nervous, Karla. We finally start immersing in the
hospital. Karla perks up at the mention of our upcoming activities. Shes always wanted to be a
nurse like me. Angela looks a little less enthusiastic. Weve known since our first year that
Angela was just following what her parents want for her.
Well, Im not nervous. Im completely excited, Karla says, hugging her bag.
We swap stories of our short break after our summer semester. I tell them I kept myself
cooped up most of the time during the break, which was more of the whole break. I watch as
some of our other classmates walk in. Some of them greet us, the others dont. This school year,
our classes got jumbled, which meant that we would be seeing both familiar and unfamiliar
faces. I sigh contentedly as I watch my two best friends become animated over their stories.
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Guys, I say as I look over my schedule. I think theres something up with my
schedule. Angela and Karla stop their stories and read my schedule. Their faces fall when they
read my room schedule.
You read the room numbers wrong, Angela says. I hang my head in humiliation and
hopelessness. Were in 510, but your room is at 501.
Ill see you guys at lunch, okay? They nod and smile sadly. Our plans to rough it out
another year together are cut short. I am disheartened. I feel like this year is going to be the
opposite of what I am hoping it would be.
I leave the room with some of the students looking at me strangely. I make my way down
the hall to my real classroom. There are some students sitting in some of the chairs. I head
straight for the chair near the windows at the back. I see vaguely familiar faces, but Ive only
seen them around once or twice.
This is Section 16, right? Check the bulletin boards for your clinical group
assignments, an instructor says, standing in the doorway.
My few classmates and I walk down the corridor to the bulletin boards. Students are
already gathered around them. I dont see Karla or Angela anywhere. I look for my name under
Section 16. I see it in Group A. Scanning the list, I find Im grouped with one definite familiar
face, which gives me relief.
Classmates since first year and were group mates until the end.
I turn around to see Diana.
I guess so. Give me a hug. I open my arms, which she gladly moves into. I thought I
was going to be classmates with Angela and Karla, but I got the room number mixed up. Im
happy and relieved Ill have a familiar face to be around.
We break from the hug and walk back to our classroom. I know, I was worried that Id
be in a totally new group, Diana says as we walk in. There are more people in the room. I
recognize three or four and that is about it. We sit near the windows, waiting around for any
more familiar faces.
Are you guys in Group A?
We look up to see three girls. Diana nods slowly and I smile timidly. They excitedly sit
down and start asking questions and telling things about themselves. We learn their names are
Mirielle, Nellie, and Catherine. They did not know each other before today, but obviously they
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fit together like a puzzle. Nellie is the talkative one, but she seems to space out from time to
time. Mirielle looks a bit cold, but shes actually a great person to talk to. Catherine seems to ride
the motions, laughing and getting excited with all the storytelling. I look at Diana and she shows
to be comfortable with the three girls.
Our first few classes with our new classmates are full of moments of awkward silence
and fits of giggles. We head to the university canteen during lunch. I catch sight of Angela and
Karla. They are with some people I recognize.
Hey guys, Ive missed you two, I say as I walk up to them. Diana and the others are not
far behind me. As soon as they see me, they rush in for a tight hug. Im classmates with Diana
again. Were in the same clinical group too.
Thats great, Nathan. Karla and I got put into different groups, but were still
classmates. Her shoulders appear to be slumped. It is obvious she wanted to be in the same
group. I know Karla is feeling the same thing, but she isnt doing anything to show it.
I feel an arm snake around my waist. I jump a little, but I realize only one person would
do that to me. I look to my right and see my only male best friend.
Hey Danny, how was class?
He just shrugs and smiles, not letting go of my waist.
Keep that up and people will think were a couple, I say, rolling my eyes. Karla and
Angela are giggling.
I can think of something else I can keep up, he said wagging his eyebrows. The girls
cant contain their laughter anymore. Danny and I have been best friends since he transferred to
our section during sophomore year. We are almost always seatmates and we hang out as much as
we can. He is well aware of my orientation and I am aware hes straight.
You sound hypoglycemic. Youre very delirious.
After lunch, we still have time to talk and as always, Danny and I talk, while the girls
giggle among themselves. We sit near our classrooms, which are just across from each other. We
watch the girls whisper, laugh, and talk.
So, hows your little crush on Jake? Danny blurted. I almost choke on my spit.
Do you really have to ask that out loud?

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Its not like anyone is listening, Danny says as he moves closer to me. We barely have
any boundaries since we became best friends. I place my hand on his thigh. He does not flinch,
which is rare for a straight guy who would think a gay guy was hitting on them.
Well, I dont like Jake anymore. Are you happy now?
Those words make my heart sing, Danny says. It gives me hope.
So, you can have Jake for yourself? I joke.
You know Ive always wanted you.
Hey lovebirds, enough of that, its almost time for class, Angela calls out.
Ill see you later, Danny says with a wink and smile.

After the last bell rings for the day, I make my way to the front of our building. It is
where most of the students hang out when classes are over. It isnt much, but there are benches
and tables.
Danny, what are you still doing here? You live far from here.
No I dont, Nathan, he tells me with his usual charming smile. I moved to a dormitory
thats close to the school. I am now a free man and away from my controlling uncle.
Thats wonderful, I say with a big smile. We should celebrate.
We make our way to the nearest mall, which is a twenty minute walk from the university.
We send our friends text messages to meet us there. Being the first day of school, we had no
homework and all the time to goof off.
Did anyone reply yet? Danny asks as we walk into the mall.
Karla did, but she has errands to run. It looks like everyone went home already.
He shrugs and just keeps walking. I walk next to him in silence. We watch people move
about, in and out of the various stores and shops.
Are you alright, Danny? I ask after a while
Why wouldnt I be?
We find an empty bench and sit down.
Well, youre quiet and none of our friends showed up.
I dont mind. I get to spend more alone time with you. His joking smile creeps up.
Danny always smiles in that manner whenever he supposedly flirts with me.
I am one lucky queer, I sigh, which is followed by a fit of laughter.
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