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http://blogs.hbr.org/2014/08/managing-your-emotions-after-maternity-leave/: source

Managing Your Emotions After Maternity Leave

By Hilary Pearl | 10/08/14

When youre a new mother, it feels like everyone wants a piece of you literally, figuratively, and emotionally.
Add physiological changes, a lack of sleep, and hormonal fluctuations into that mix and its easy to understand
why returning to work after maternity leave can be one of the most fraught, challenging, and stressful times in
a womans life. A woman may want to lean in, but her sense of equilibrium might be so off kilter that shes not
sure which direction shes leaning in, or whether shes leaning at all or just trying to find her footing on what
shes no longer sure is a level playing field.
After Lisa, a senior member of a consulting firm, returned to work, she had to face both her own cocktail of
powerful emotions and complex organizational politics. While most women dont face every situation she
experienced, many do confront at least a few of them. And Lisas reaction ultimately, to say nothing is all
too common.
She had been the golden child at her organization, working in close proximity with her boss on several key
initiatives. Preparing for her maternity leave, her boss had arranged for a new employee, technically Lisas
peer, to temporarily handle her work. However, Lisa returned to find that the new staff member had completely
taken over the department and ingratiated herself with their boss. She acted like Lisas superior instead of her
peer. Lisa watched in anger as she methodically encroached on others jobs in the organization, took
undeserved credit for others work, and systematically expanded her responsibilities and power base.
At the same time, a male coworker, even though he was her junior, hazed Lisa for a year, continually teasing
her about all the work done hed on her behalf, and asking questions about her work commitment.
Normally unflappable in the face of such behavior, she now found herself doubting her own reactions. She
began to wonder if she was being oversensitive due to her own feelings of being beleaguered on all sides,
tired all the time, and feeling like a failure compared to her pre-baby, well-rested self. Though filled with anger,
she did not confront either her rival or her gadfly, or discuss the situation with her bossand when a
competitive offer from another company arose, she seized it and left. It was a decision she ultimately came to
regret: her boss was blindsided and shocked at her departure, and several months after Lisa left her position,
her nemesis was fired.
In my work as an executive coach, I have found that successful women often keep their struggles private in
difficult re-entry situations. This may be because they dont want others to view them as weak; because they
dont feel like they have a confidant they can trust (their mother-friends may judge them, while other
colleagues may take advantage of them); or it may simply be that they dont want to open a Pandoras Box of
emotional pain by talking about it. The result is often self-doubt and compartmentalizingone woman told me
that she cried for months on the way to and from work, then stoically focused during the work day. In a shortterm crisis, compartmentalizing can be fine, perhaps even healthy. But motherhood is neither short-term, nor a
crisis, so we need some more effective approaches:

1. Be well informed about typical post-partum emotions so you dont feel that your reactions are abnormal or that
there is something defective or inadequate about you. Try to be open to your feelings and to experience their
full range, which will make you less likely to fixate on any given issue or challenge, such as a workplace rival.
2. Figure out what you want independent of what is happening at any given moment in your workplace. If you
make the decision to work full-time, it should be because thats what youve decided to do, not because you
feel you need to compete with a particular peer for your bosss favor or for key assignments or responsibilities.
Similarly, if you decide to leave that job (or the workforce) it should be because thats what you want longterm, not because your current situation feels untenable.
3. Get the support and kindness you need, whether that be from a few trusted friends, internal or external
advocates or mentors, or a counselor. In particular, women who have already been through it will be glad to
share their stories, lessons learned, and to dispense advice based on their own experiences. Many women
are surprised by the support and validation they get when they signal openness to it. Also, try your best to not
isolate yourself from friends and others who care about you and your wellbeing. Your time with them, no
matter how limited, can be healthy and restorative.
4. Find even small ways to build your executive stamina through fitness, meditation, nutrition, hydration, and
getting as much sleep and sunlight as you can. Take breaks when possible at home and at work to restore
your energy and recharge your batteries. This may mean hiring a sitter just so you can go upstairs and take a
nap; thats OK. It may mean requesting more of your partner, family, or community; thats also OK.
5. Prepare in advance for difficult conversations, whether with your boss or with a workplace rival. Maintain your
composure and professionalism, and plan to use positive, solution-seeking language that doesnt imply
criticism or appear accusatory. Thats a best practice almost all of the time, but it is even more important if
youre in a workplace where colleagues are using your leave as an excuse to undermine you; losing your cool
will only give them more ammunition.
Regaining your energy through these healthy methods will mean you will have less need to draw upon stress
as its own energy source. While stress can be an energizing motivator in the short term, the long-term effects
are dangerous. Dont try to sprint the marathon. But also dont worry or beat yourself up too much if you do
lose your balance from time to time. Every new mother does, whether or not she is trying to balance family
and career goals. I realize its easier said than done, but if it feels like no one in the world is cutting you any
slack, at least try to cut yourself some slack.

HILARY PEARL
Hilary Pearl, a Harvard Business School graduate and former Pepsi executive, is an executive coach and
a principal at Dattner Consulting, LLC in New York City.