SexualSubmissiveness

AtalkattheEastergatheringoftheEroticAcademyinMarch1989
bySabineLichtenfels

Ourthemetodayissexualsubmissiveness.We'redealingwithquestions
concerningthearchetypalimagesofsexualrelationsamongmenand
women.We'realsolookingathistoricalviewsofwhatsexualityhasbeen,
andwhatitcouldbe.Thatmeanswe'realsolookingatthedevelopmentofa
visionforafuturesexuality,andthequestionparticularlyrelatedtothis,
namely:Whatissexualsubmissiveness[sexualdependency?]Howcan
wecomeupwithanewviewofsexualitywhichresolvesthisproblem,
withoutlosingwhatwegenuinelyloveanddesireinsex?

I'llbeginwithafewquotationsfrom"Stern"[aglossyGermanmagazine],
whichrecentlyranaseriesofarticlesonthethemeofsexual
submissiveness.Letmegiveyouanexample:"Thepassionoftheyoung
secretaryforthemiddleagedauthorwassoboundless,andherdesireto
submittohimsogreat,thatshetoleratedevenhisviolentoutbursts,his
obscenelettersandhisperversions."That'ssimplyaquote,asliceofreality.
"Forhimtherewereonlytwokindsofwomengoddessesanddoormats."

Ichosethisquotationbecauseit'saclassicalstatement,whichdescribes
preciselywhathasformedourhistoryuptonow.Themalehumanbeing
worshipstheholyandtheunreachable.Doormatsareallthosewho,fromhis
pointofview,areavailableforthetakingbecausetheyneedit.Doormats:
thosearewomenwhoshowtheirsexualdesires,andfollowthem.Theman
hascontemptforthembecausehe'sunabletointegratehisadorationof
womanwithhisviewsofsexuality.

ProfessorWilliamSchmidtBodesaysthisonthethemeofsubmissiveness:
"Submissivenesshasthecharacteristicsofanaddiction.Intheend,
satisfactionisunobtainable.Onthecontrary,thedesireofgettingthe
partnercompletelyisneverachieveditmerelyleadstoarepetitionofthe
behaviourandtoanincreaseinthedosage."

Sternmagazinedealswiththewholeissueasatypeofsickness.
Submissivenessisatypeofsexualdiseasewhichiscontrastedwithsocalled
"normality".Mostpeopletodayprobablyagreewiththisview.However,I
suggestthatatthistimeparticularlywewomen,althoughthisisactuallythe
caseformenaswell,needtoconsidercarefullywhatthis"submission"really
is,andwhetheritisn'tperhapsanunresolvedlifeissuethataffectsallofus.
I'mnotnowlookingatsubmissivenessasanillness,butratherfromavery
specialpointofview,insofarasitconcernseveryonewhohasatonetimeor

anotherbeeninvolvedwiththeissueofsexuality,regardlesswhetherthat
personisawomanoraman.Iamherespeakingveryspecificallyfromthe
woman'spointofview,sinceIwanttoletthemenknowsomeessential
factsaboutwomen.Ialsowanttoencouragethewomenheretothinkand
speakabouttheirdesiresinthesexualarea,sincethequestionwhetherwe'll
managetocreateamoreattractivefuturedependsonourwillingnessto
communicateopenlyaboutallthis.

Theimageofsexualsubmission:Thereisasexualrealityinwhichthe
womanlovestobeconquered,thatistosaypossessedbytheman.Itisa
fantasyimageofsex.Anarchetypalimage.Thereisamomentinsexwhen
thewoman'sdesireis:takemetotally.Andthisisanessentialanddecisive
momentinhersexualopening.Anditisalsoanessentialanddecisive
momentinhersexualshame.Itmaywellbeherethatwefindthedeepest
levelofwoman's"shame",herfeelingofbeingsinfulandherfeelingsof
desire.Thisisthepointwhere,uptonow,shehasalwaysthought:ifIdo
this,thenthemanwilldespiseme,thenheandallotherswillthinkthatI'm
notworthanythinganymore.Thecurseofbeingseenasawhorehasdug
itselfsodeeplyintoourfemininememoryandourfemininebeing,thatat
thepointofourgreatestjoywebecomecrippled.

Thefactthatwoman'sselfconsciousnesshasuntilnowbeensodeeply
conditionedbyshameisoneofthecausesofwhatwenowterm
"submissiveness",andalsoofextremejealousy.Theresultsofthatcanthen
bereadaboutinthepapers:"Thewomanwantedhimalltoherself.She
bashedhimtodeathwithahammer."

Atthepointwhereshehasactuallyopenedherselfcompletelyonthesexual
level,foronce,herragebeginsatthatmomentherfearsetsinthathe'll
nowturnaroundandleaveherandhere,too,themadnessstartswhichwill
notallowhertolethimgobecauseshebelievesthatshe'snowgivenherself
awayandwillnolongerberespectedbyanyotherman.

Inthesexualworldthereisthisarchetypalimageofmanwantingtotake
womancompletely,withthewomandesiringtobetakentotallybyhimas
well.That'sundoubtedlynottheonlyimageinsex,butitisaverypowerful
centralaspectofsexuallonging.Onceawomanmovesintotherealmof
sexualitywithaninneropeningtosatisfythislonging,thensheactually
thinksofnothingelseexceptthisonething,thethingthatshewants
infinitelymorethananythingelse.Andthat'sexactlythepointatwhichher
shamesetsin,andthefearthatifshegivesintothisdesirethemanwillno
longerfindherattractiveandshe'llbebrandedasafool.Aswomen,we
havehadthisshameandthisfearhistoricallyembeddedintothevery
cellularstructureofourbodies.ItiswrittenintheOldTestament:"Inpain
shallyoubearchildren,becauseyouhavefollowedyourlust."Thesexual

temptationwasEve'sevildeed,andAdam'ssinwasthathefollowedthat
lust.Thatisthereasonwhybothwerethrownoutofparadise.

Rightuptocurrenttimes,womenstillcannotcombinetheiractualsexual
fantasiesanddesireswiththeirjoyandpersonalsovereignty,especiallynot
inthosefantasiesinwhichthewomanisthe"victim"andthemanisthe
"perpetrator".Shethinksthatonceshehasgivenherselfcompletelytohim,
henowhasherandnolongerneedstobefurtherconcernedforher.That's
thereasonwhywomenprefertoenticemenwiththeirseductivewiles,and
remainwiththeirseductive"No".Aslongasawomanstayswiththat,she
retainshersexualpowerovermen.Shestaysbeyondreachuntilaman
comesalongthatconquersher.Afterthat,shewantstobelongtohim
completely.Thethemeofsexualviolationhasaplaceinwomen'ssoulsas
well,astheyhavebeenfashioneduptonow.Itnolongermakesanysense
toreacttothesethingsemotionallywithdisdainorhate.Weneedto
understandwhat'sgoingon.Ihaveattemptedtoshedabitmorelighton
theconnectionsinvolvedhere,inthebook"RettetdenSex"[SaveSex]
authoredbyseveralofuswomen.

Sexualrealitydoesnotaskpermissionwhetheritmayormaynotbewhatit
is.Itisafact,afundamentalfactofourcivilizationandourhistory,andit
dependssolelyonourwillregardingsexualmatters,andonourspiritual
clarity,whetherornotwechoosetochangethisrealityinapositive
direction.Neithervociferousdemandsformalecastration,noroffersof
therapeuticinterventiontosecurecompliance,areofanyusehere.The
sexualattractionbetweenmanandwomaninfactexists.Init,thereexists
alsothisdesireforatotalsurrender,forconquest,forananimallikemating.
Theonlyquestionthatremainsiswhatwedecidetodowiththisexistential
fact,inthefuture.Willitremaintiedupwithfear,hate,unclarityandlies?
Willitcontinuetoleadtosexualsubservienceandjealousy?Orwillwe
succeedinintegratingitintonewformsoflivingtogether?Willwesucceed
increatinganewformofsexualunderstandingwhichisnolongertiedup
withtheoldbarriersofpossessivenessandrage?Willthewomanofthe
futureparticipatewithsexualdesireandinterestwhenherloverisattracted
byotherwomen,becausesheenjoysbeingattractivetoothersaswell?Will
shebeabletounderstandthatotherwomenhavethesamedesiresthatshe
does,andthathermalepartner,whomshelovesandwants,isnaturally
alsolovedanddesiredbyotherwomen?

Youcannotdivideupsexualitylikeapieceofcake,butyoualsocannot
promiseittoonesingleperson.Sexualityisapowerandaquantitythatis
limitless.Itisafactthatonecanneverbetotallysatiatedwithsexrather,
itawakensinusahungerandajoythatlooksforwardtoasatisfactionof
thesensesthroughhumancontactswhichwe,today,wanttosupportand
bringintobeingwiththepoweravailabletousthroughourconscious

awareness.

Alotofwomendreamandfantasizeaboutbeingviolentlytaken.Then,when
theywakeup,theyareshockedbytheagitationandthesexualdesirewhich
theyhavefelt.Intheirfantasies,themeninvolvedareoftenstrangers,and
oftenseveral,oneafteranother.Whatwomenexperiencewithfearand
dreadintheirwakingstate,appearslustfulanddesirableintheirfantasies.
Sowhatisactuallytrue?Itnolongermakessensemerelytosaythat
fantasiesjustaren'treality.Becausethesefantasiesshowarealityofdesire,
arealityofsexuallonging.Andaslongasthisrealityofsexualdesiresisnot
seen,notaccepted,notpositivelyintegratedintotheactualsensualcontacts
ofmenandwomen,ourworldwillremainsplitbetweentheworldoffantasy
andtheworldofthemuchmoreboringdailyreality.Andaslongasthissplit
remains,thedissatisfactionsandtendenciestoviolenceinhumansociety
aredammedup,becausethehumanmaleevidentlyhassimilarfantasies.
Andthuswhathappensisthatthesefantasiesareactedout,everyday,
somewhereintheworld,inthemostbrutalanddestructiveways.Peopleare
tortured,raped,andcrippled,whereverthedamsofmoralitybreak,and
whensocietiescreatesopportunitiesforthattohappen,asforinstancein
wars.Orwhensomeonetotallylosesitandthesexualitywhichhasbeen
dammedupforsolonginthatpersonexplodeslikedynamite.Thepapers
arefullofsuchreports.

Thesesexualfantasiesofwomenhaveexactparallelsinthesexualfantasies
ofmen.Theypointtosexualdesireswhoserealityhasneverofficially
becomepartoftheethical,socialandpoliticalquestionsanywhere.Upto
now,nosocietyhasshownseriousinterestinfindinghumanewaysof
dealingwiththisissue,beyondlegalprohibitionsandthecontinuationof
traditionalmorals.Canwefindwaystohavethatwhichwedesire,inaway
thatnolongerproducespain?Isthereawayinwhichamanandawoman
cansharespecificfantasieswitheachotherfantasieswhichessentially
havemuchincommon,andwhichcouldthereforethemselvesbemeansof
bringingthemtogetherandbysodoingmakegenuine,sensuallyand
sexuallyexcitingcontactwithoneanother?Infullsexualcontactbetween
manandwoman,whichisconsciouslyexperiencedandaffirmed,andwhich
includessuchfantasieswithoutanysuppressionorcruelty,liesacentral
"transformationpoint"ofviolencegenerally.Thatlastsentenceseemstome
soimportantfortheconstructionofahumanesociety,thatitoughttobe
repeatedthreetimesover.

Uptonow,suppressedandunintegratedsexualityhasalwaysledtocruelty
anddestruction.ThewitchburningsintheMiddleAgesisoneexampleof
that.Ifwedonotincludethatfactinourconsiderationsandinourreadiness
forathoroughchangeinoursexualbehaviour,freedomfromviolencewill
neverbepossibleitwillremainanemptyappeal.


Morepeopledieasaresultofunlived,thatistosayunintegrated,sexuality
thanfromautomobileaccidents.Whenitbreaksthroughitsbarriersatone
timeoranotherwithouteverhavingcomeintoconsciousnessandintegrated
intothelifeoftheperson,theforceofrepressedsexualityleadstorape,
murderandtortureeveryday.

Thisisthepointatwhichthegenuineemancipationofwomanbeginsthe
pointwhere,asaresultofunderstandingtheconnectionsbetweenthese
facts,womentakeonandshapetheirownroleassexualbeings.Thatis
theiressentialcontributiontoanewformofhumanity.Whenwomandoes
that,themythologyoftheOldTestamentcanbealtered.Sexuality,whichin
oldHebrewisthesamewordasknowledge,isthennolongertheexpulsion
fromparadisebutrathertheentranceandthewayin.Womannowletsthe
manknowverysimplyhowshewantstobetakenhenolongerneedstobe
soconcernedtoplaythebigconqueror.Andshejustassimplyletshim
knowwhatshedoesn'tlike,sincethat'spartofsexualcommunicationas
well.Howevershestopsmotheringhimandtreatinghimlikealittlechild.

Thefactitselfofwomanbreakingfreefromhershame,issufficienttomake
itimpossibleforhertobedespisedbyanyman.Thatsoundsparadoxical,
butthat'sthewayitis.Oncewomanhasovercomeheroldshameina
positiveandgenuineway,shecanfacemaninherfullsexualpower.I
experiencedthatoverandoveragainmyselfinmyvisitsattheharboursof
MarseillesandNizza[inFrance].Onhearingaclear"Yes"fromawoman,it
maywellbethatthemanatfirstjustcan'tgetitup.

That'ssimplypartoftheprocessoftransformation,sincethemanneedsto
detachhimselffromhisownideasaswell,forinstancefromhisnotionthat
hefirstofallneedstobreakawoman'sactualresistancebeforehecanhave
her.Theoldwayofseeingmanastheconqueror,towhomwomanis
counterposedasamemberofthe"weakersex",doesn'tworkanymore
either.Thewomanconsciousofhersexualpowersuddenlyappearstohim
assomethinglikeagoddess.Butthisgoddessisonewhosuddenlysays,
"Youmay!"Sothemanneedstochangehisthinkingintheserespects,just
likethewoman.Afterthat,ofcourse,thevariousgamesofconqueringand
beingconquered,andalltheeroticbitsandpiecesthatgoonbetweenman
andwoman,canbetakenupagain,consciouslyandjoyfully.Afterall,
there'salotofenjoymentinthisseductivegame.Butnoweroticplayisno
longersubjecttothisunbendingrulewhichmakeseverythingdependon
thatfirstyesorno.Becauseitisnowplayedconsciouslyandfreelyonboth
parts,itnolongerleadstoviolenceandbrutalityandtoasituationwhere
thewomancontinuallyseekstheroleofvictim,whilethemanbecomesthe
perpetrator,orsomeothercomicalfigure,suchashersaviour.

Therecomesamomentintherelationshipbetweenthegenderswhenthe
decisionismadewhethertherewillbewarorpeaceonearth.I'vetriedto
describethatmoment.Itinvolvesafullylivedandintegratedsexuality,and
acorrespondingsexualandhumaneunderstanding.Wearefoundingthe
EroticAcademyforthepurposeofcreatingalargerspaceforsexual
experiencesandsexualunderstanding,inwhichthelinkagesinvolved
becomemoretransparent.Here,atthefirstgatheringoftheErotic
Academy,wefirstofallneedtoconstructthespiritualfieldforthisproject.A
fieldinwhichitwillbepossibletobeginchangingthecourseofhumanlife.
Towhateverextentwebecomeconsciouslyawarebeings,tothatextentwe
havethepossibilityoftakingactiontoeffectchange,insteadofallowing
ourselvestoremaindefencelessobjectsofthesocalled"laws"ofnature.

Oncewomenreachaconsensusonthispoint,thereisthepossibilityfora
genuinefriendshipamongwomen,insteadofcompetitionandstruggle.Then
theyknowthattheylovethesamethingsinmen.Andthentheyrealizethat
theycannotloseamanbecauseofhisinvolvementwithanotherwoman
quitetheopposite.Solidarityandpartnershipbetweenamanandawoman
canonlylastandretainitssexualfirewhenbothfollowsexualrealityand
thattellsusclearlythatwedesireothersaswell.Theoldviewsofwhat
constitutes"faithfulness"anda"couplerelationship"willofcourseneedto
bereplacedbynewones.Theredemptionofsexualityrequiresaltogether
newsocialformsforhumanbeingslivingtogether,specificallyintheareas
ofloveandsex.Weclearlypointedtosuchnewsocialstructuresinourbook
"RettetdenSex"[SaveSexnotavailableinEnglishtranslation].Insuch
newsocialstructures,inwhichthepowerofsexualitynolongerneedstobe
squeezedinto"marriage"or"couplerelationship"formscageswhichare
fartoosmallforitinthosestructuressexualabuseandsexual
submissivenesswouldnolongerexist.

Ithankyouforyourattention.

(translatedfromtheGermantextinDieHeiligeundDieHure,Verlag
Meiga,1989,

byF.P.Ayranv.Dreger)