NONCORD This One’s ForYou, PLull!
February 17, 2010
DEAN UPDATE: Dean Lull Replaced by Dean Grier
M.Div. senior Dean Grier astounds the Luther Seminary Board with an
algorithm that will now define his enrollment strategy as incoming Dean
of Students.
Obama may have him beat in sex appeal, but ol’
Mr. President’s algorithm is nothing compared to
Dean Dean’s. Yes You Did, Big DD!
St. Paul, Minnesota Volume 5, Issue 2
It has been a season of surprises for the Luther
Seminary community, but perhaps nothing is
more shocking than the recent announcement
from President Rick Bliese that senior Master of
Divinity student Dean Grier has been tapped to
replace Patricia Lull as Dean of Students.
The decision came on the heels of the
administration’s call for candidates for the
position. In a move that is both controversial
and a bit avant-garde, Bliese and the seminary
board suspended the search-and-screen process
when Grier applied and they realized that
Luther Seminary could have as its new Dean of
Students a student named Dean.
“The board and I love puns,” Bliese
explained. “And what started as a joke just
sort of snowballed into something more
serious. When he came in for his interview, he
impressed—big time.”
In addition to being recently approved for
ordained ministry in the ELCA, Grier, a 40-year-
old father of two originally from Hawley, Minn.,
has experience in commercial fishing, asbestos
removal, teaching graduate chemistry, and
helping to launch a nanotechnology center. The
relevance of that experience quickly presented
itself in Grier’s interview, Bliese said.
Continued pg. 2
Seminary Scandal:
Dwight Zscheile doesn’t even NEED
glasses! Full Story pg. 6.
Also Inside!
Luther Seminary’s Chapel of
the Incarnation becomes newest
internship site for 2010-2011 - pg. 10
Sign up for interviews with Paul Westermeyer in the Choir
Room!
Flaky
SENIOR “UTTERLY SHOCKED”
BY REGION 3 ASSIGNMENT
Mid-February is a time fraught with excitement and
trepidation for seniors who await the national church regional
assignments for their first call. While the majority of these
seniors end up in Midwestern regions, such as 3 and 5, that has
not kept senior Bjørn Bjørnson from feeling discouraged by his
assignment. Mr. Bjørnson, who hoped to end up on either of
the coasts, explained the pain of ending up in Region 3 in the
following way:
“I knew that, statistically speaking, this was a possibility, but
I thought I would beat the odds, you know? I don’t know what
I could have done differently. I thought my paperwork was
pretty clear. I listed Peter Rollins as my favorite theologian, said
that I only lead post-modern worship and casually mentioned
my numerous tattoos and liberal political leanings. Maybe I
overdid it. I did use the word ‘context’ roughly 143 times in the
Rostered Leader Profile (RLP). I guess I thought I was being
subtle.”
Mr. Bjørnson is not totally despairing, though. “I don’t know,
maybe this can be like, ironic or something, like taking a prom
date to Arby’s. Plus, old people can be kind of cool, especially
when they swear.”
Bjørn Bjørnson’s life will never be the same.
Noncord
Tiny Japan Rejoice: Modern Dance Instructor
Aaaaa! Seurkyl: One Hit Wonder
Major Unpleasant Eh?: Strolling Minstrel
Carnal T. Juicy-Number: Bliese Memorial Circle-Talker
Jauntily Clean Miracle: Assistant Director to the Assistants
West Hamata: Wooden Desk Stainer
Nice Junk List: Connoisseur of Delight
Drab When Tender: Lion Tamer
Mean Shank Rap John: DJ Extraordinaire
Chunk A. Dishonorables: Octogenarian Enthusiast
Stripe Retch: Goat Killer
Granny Adores: Personal Trainer
2 • Noncord
News In
Brief(S)
•Faculty tricked into attending chapel with
creation of falsified “all-faculty-all-the-time”
preaching schedule.
•Paulson found molding Luther’s desk mask
to his own face.
•Don Lewis declares “MissionAccomplished.”
Community asks, “Who is Don Lewis?”
•Administration vows less circle talk at next
round of community forums despite Trinitarian
model of interpenetrating perichoretic love.
•Student council fails on its promise to get a
pop machine in the cafeteria.
•Zscheile takes casual Fridays to the extreme
– parts hair on right side.
•Vagina monologues to be presented by male
faculty – Eve Ensler denies authorship.
•Announcement of new campus pastor
eclipsed by revelation that John Mann was
replaced by shape-shifting Smoke Monster in
2009.
Dean Dean as new dean
Continued from pg. 1
“He worked out this algorithm that offered a
precise—and I would say elegant—solution to our
enrollment woes. It was like watching Will Hunting
and that professor guy work on math together,” said
Bliese, noting that there are other benefits to Grier’s
selection.
“We will be able to pay him a work-study wage until
he graduates, so that obviously helps our financial
situation,” Bliese said. “Finally, we felt like students
would connect with him; his knowledge of heavy
metal music is extensive. A Dean of Students who loves
Tesla—does it get more missional than that?”
No, no it does not.
 Expensive

MISSIONAL INITIATIVE Prosperity Theology

ELIMINATES STUDENTS
Bold move announced with newly
revised strategic plan.
Earlier this week, President Bliese announced the specifics
of a revised strategic plan formally adopted by the board of
directors at their February 5th meeting. Effective fall 2010,
Luther will be purging the campus of excess, specifically the
student body. The elimination of students from the campus
is expected to free up considerable faculty and staff for
“mission-directed” activities.
“This was a purely mission-strategic decision,” claimed
Chair of Finance & Administration Bob Torkelson, in his
announcement. “Any additional cost-savings will be an
unexpected yet welcome missional outcome.”
For several years, the board has conducted its meetings at
times when no classes are in session and students are rarely
found on campus. “We saw first-hand how well things run
around here without the students present,” said Paul Dovre,
board chair, “and as a former educator, I can easily see that
this was a mission-logical move for the organization to
make.” Dovre is the former president of Concordia College
in Moorhead, Minn., a Lutheran college that still operates
under an antiquated, student-based model.
Also under consideration at this time is a redesign of the
recently unveiled seminary slogan. In light of the announced
student downsizing, the board is considering the adoption
of “Luther Seminary: Removed By The Promise” as more
fitting catchphrase. At their meeting, the board of directors
committed to a feasibility study to determine the mission-
mindedness of the proposed slogan, the cost of which is not
expected to exceed $130,000.
On a related note Team Captain, Mark Throntveit was
seen congratulating other members of the faculty softball
team on their sure (and long overdue) victory in the spring
2011 Faculty/Student Softball game.
Dear Friends: A prosperous new year and decade to
you!
Since I first advertised the new Prosperity Theology
section in the book store, I have been overwhelmed
by your response. I know this is Luther Seminary but I
was unaware of the underground aspect of Prosperity
Theology here on campus. Don’t worry – I won’t reveal
your book suggestions or your identity to professors, the
administration, or your candidacy committees. Thank you
for helping this section of the book store grow in prosperity.
It is slowing edging out the “faculty book” section and has
completely edged out the worship resource section (all
worship-material-related sales are now by reservation
only).
There has been a considerable increase in book sales
since the creation of the prosperity theology section. In
order to compete with other big players in the Twin Cities
(TCF Bank Stadium, Mall of America Field and Target
Field), we’ve decided corporate sponsorship is the way
to appropriately represent the new direction of the book
store.
What will be the new name of this ever-growing section
of the bookstore? Now there is just one more reason to
attend the annual spring variety show and silent auction!
Bid on the sponsorship of the prosperity section; rights will
go to the highest bidder. Please, no submissions outside
of the silent auction - we don’t want the mailroom or the
IT folks to see who is bidding as they may “accidentally
lose” your bid in cyberspace or in the deep recesses of
the mailroom.
Again, thanks for making this new section of the store
grow and prosper as is my wish for you in 2010. Bid on
the sponsorship for the prosperity section or any other
section.
Gary Anderson
Prosperity Theology Section Manager

t u a r y Frank Forde
Obi 1967-1992
Former M.Div. student Frank Forde’s remains were discovered during J-Term.
The cause of death was starvation after falling through the cracks of Northwestern.
Forde would have graduated in 1994 and will be given an honorary degree at the
2010 May commencement, as well as receive a post-mortem ordination. A Service of
Remembrance for this former student will be held in the Northwestern Chapel. The
family asks for memorials to be sent to Luther Seminary, which will commission a
life-size painting of Frank Forde. The painting will be hung between Rogness and
Tiede.

Noncord • 3
Bloated

Library Heat Finally Explained

M.Div. middler Anthony Olson sweats over exams, papers,
presentations, the table, and books from the archives.
NONCORD UN-UNPLUGGED!
NOW ONLINE
After tens of complaints and comment cards, Luther
officials have finally revealed the reason behind the
tropical atmosphere of the library.
“It’s the systematics department,” said the head of
Luther’s grounds crew. “And, well, you know, their
sense of self-worth.”
Finding non-destructive ways to cut the budget,
Luther has installed new technology that transforms
haughtiness to hotness. SolarMePanels, disks that
harness a person’s excess self-love and convert it
to usable energy, have been fitted into each faculty
member’s office. Though systematic attitudes may
cozify the study center, most are finding the relentless
heat unbearable.
“It feels like when one professor has an off-day,
the rest of them kick it into high gear,” Peter Watters
remarked while stripping off his final layer as beads of
sweat formed on his brow and upper lip.
“You know when there’s a department meeting or
one of them is preaching in chapel,” Electronic Services
Librarian Jennifer Bartholomew said. “It gets just stifling
in here.”
When asked to comment, the department sent a
letter, autographed by all faculty with good wishes,
noting, “To reach such a state where one’s amazingness
benefits all those whose amazingness has yet to reach
its full potential is both our gift and our offering.”

http://www2.luthersem.edu/noncord/

How We’re Dealing With the Depressing Economy

4 • Noncord
 Submissional

MOVE OVER BUFFY; NEW VAMPIRE IN TOWN

This semester, the first vampire in the
history of Luther Seminary was admitted to the
Master of Divinity program. Vladimir Ittu, an
“out” vampire, said he is really “moved by the
promise” of what the blood of Christ and the
blood of the Lamb symbolize. Hymns such as
“Deep Were His Wounds” (LBW #100) and “At
the Lamb’s High Feast We Sing” (LBW #210)
have spoken to his soul and helped awaken
his call to ministry. “I love the image of our
Jesus the Christ hanging from that cross, his
thick red blood dripping from his body, all
for me. That he would save us by letting his
blood drain slowly from his flesh is beyond my
imagining. I’m intrigued by this thing called
transubstantiation. Jesus’ body and blood
becoming the bread and the wine ... it’s just ...
symbolically delicious!”
Ron Olson, Director of Admissions,
commented, “I won’t lie. There was some
concern when Vladimir began the process.
However, upon meeting with him, we could tell
he was extremely passionate about the saving
sacrifice of our Lord’s blood. He will make an
excellent pastor someday.”
Ittu had some concerns, as well. While
looking forward to his studies at Luther, he felt
anxious about what his peers would think of
him. Though he is a “vegetarian,” he wondered Vladimir Ittu assisted in chapel last week with Karoline Lewis. Some
whether he’d be accepted as a traditional remain skeptical about his vest.
student would. Ittu shared that some students Although the burning sunshine on his skin has provided
have kept their distance, but for the most part, he has felt some challenges, Ittu has overcome the obstacles, enrolling
welcomed at seminary. mostly in night and online courses. He is excited to sink his
Fellow M.Div. junior Franchesca Vanderhus also teeth into this semester’s coursework, especially “Blood of the
spoke highly of Ittu. “When I first met Vladdy, I was a bit Lamb, Blood of Our Lives” with Professor Gracia Grindal.
uncomfortable. He’s so dark and mysterious, you know? I Ittu has aspirations of paving the way for others like
mean, he IS a vampire, after all. But as I’ve gotten to know himself. “I want to become the first Lutheran Vampire pastor
him through classes and community activities, I’ve learned so that all may be bathed in the saving blood of Christ. I
what a sweetheart he is. I feel drawn to him, like we are want to set other vampires free to experience the joy of life
called to be friends or something. I even let him bite me once with Christ, whose viscous blood was shed that we might
at a party. Really, he is such a great guy!” truly live.” Vladimir Ittu, the mission field is waiting.

Noncord • 5
Betrothed/Life-Partnered

Hi-5! The Inside Scoop

We all expected there was drama brewing under the
surface of Luther Seminary’s favorite musical group, Hi-5!
(so sorry, Schola Cantorum). This was clear when Matty
S. failed to show for the October photo signing and bishop
parade. Though Matty S. was the band’s lead tenor, it’s
obvious he’s not really the impetus for their cohesive
sound appeal. Dirk Lange, a.k.a The Foxy Monk, is both the
spiritual and team-centering leader of the group, according
to a source close to the band. Matty S., on the other hand,
is the group’s flashpoint. “Conflict, Power and Identity-
All Mine!,” the title of his recently released book, may
suggest the source of tension within the group. Matty S.’s
preoccupation with speaking engagements, his countless
noon forums (OCC Rm. 3!), his sabbatical in “advanced
research” and his contributions to WorkingPreacher have
kept him too busy to give this musical treat the energy it
deserves. Hi-5! has added tenor Dwight Zscheile to its all-star line-up.
The four other members convened secretly over the One T Barreto, and The Foxy Monk held a press conference
Christmas holiday while Skinner was off marketing his announcing the addition of Dwight Zscheile, Wiley Shylee, to
academic “career.” A source in the faculty secretary’s office replace the flaky, speaking-engagement-obsessed Matty S.
told the Noncord that the group decided to do a limited We at the Noncord are relieved to see Hi-5! move forward
search within the seminary for a new lead tenor. Just last with that CML hottie! Bye bye bye Matty S. We’ll hang onto
week, The Hult Hultgren, The Wedge Scharen, Heavy B our old Hi-5! T-shirts, though – they’re vintage!

Luther ‘Centers’ Blossoming

Classes Move to Old Muskego
Center for Biblical Preaching Director
and noted Laura Ingalls Wilder enthusiast
David Lose passionately and tearfully
endorsed Luther Seminary’s decision to
move all classes to the retro-cool, one-
room schoolhouse model facilitated at
Old Muskego Church. Erica Kennedy
commented, “The move makes sense
given Luther’s growing capacity to host
not only a plethora of Centers but, more
The new Teaching Center of Luther Seminary.
importantly, conferences, colloquies, Andrew Root, Craig Koester and Lois
disputations, lectures, and consultations.” Farag, oppose the move, stating publicly
Added an M.Div student, “I’m not sure that it is “a blatant attempt to privilege
what a curriculum vitae is but I think this other Centers over our Center.” “They
will engorge mine.” are forgetting the center!” shouted an
19th-Century Education Expert Mary irate Koester, who then passionately
Hess and Vice President of Administration whispered through watery eyes, “Surely
and Other Things Don Lewis appreciate God loves each Center equally.”
the cost cutting nature of the move, The move will go forward despite
noting that divergent temperature needs opposition, as numerous renovations
will be met by the single have begun in earnest, clearing space
coal stove located on the for the Center for Missional Leadership;
east side of the building. the Center for Writing and Research;
“Plus,” said Lewis, “good the Center for Lifelong Learning; the
academic performance Center for Children, Youth and Family;
will be reinforced by the Center for SinnerSaints; the Center
the privilege of going for Centrally Centered Global Missional
on coal-acquisition Positioning and Geocaching; the Center
errands.” for Global Missions; the Center for
Endorsement is not Centering Prayer and Geodesic Domes;
universal, however. the Center for Reformation History and
Members of Luther’s Codpieces.
Center for the Use Olson Campus Center-based Center
of Multimedia and for What the &^%$#!? issued a brief
Mediums in Ministry but forceful campus-wide text rebuttal,
(CMMM), among them “XYZPDQ?”

6 • Noncord
 Stagnant
Heavy Flow Moves Into Neighborhood
Where once hung hammers, circular saws and paint brushes deftly maneuvered through ten years of post-graduate education
now the accoutrement of the intellectual elite graces the walls and with the likes of Jurgen Moltmann. I’ll be darned if I don’t look fine
aisles of 2272 Como Ave., St. Paul. The storefront directly north while I stand in line like a good little boy on that high feast day that
of the local USPS branch had been closed for two years until local is the giant Lutheran Mt. Sinai of Commencement.”
entrepreneur Jo Andreason saw an opportunity for success in the
growing market of what she calls “namby pamby frocks, skirts and
bonnets for the intellectually insecure American underground who
are desperate to stand nonchalantly in long lines looking solemn.”
Located mere blocks from both Luther Seminary and the
University of Minnesota’s St. Paul campus, Heavy Flow of Fabrics
offers biannual finery for the academic who needs to spice up that
post-baccalaureate brie and merlot affair with something splashier
than “that same old freakin’ Oxford-pleated bull-poo.”
Dr. Matthew Skinner, Luther Seminary’s Donald Juel Memorial
Beautifully Coiffed Hair professor of New Testament, could not be
happier. “Sometimes I just wander the aisles, fingering the latest
styles. Colors from Cologne, Tubingen and Dundee ... wow!”
Considered by many to be a dated attempt at self-importance,
the store and its clientele are ably defended by Dr. Paul Chung, “I
Faculty rejoice decked in Heavy Flow of Fabrics.

We Are Here Now

Trilogy Finally Released
For fans of missional literature far and near, the wait is finally over.
Amidst flurries of rumors, delayed release dates and sabbaticals, Patrick
Keifert’s ambitious We Are Here Now trilogy will be completed with the
release of two new books. Keifert, whose literary stylings have inspired an
army of loyal followers, has penned both a prequel entitled We Were There
At Some Point and a concluding volume We Will Be There Then, to complete
this ambitious project.
Junior Zachary Nelson could not be more excited. “Buzzwords, man. I
am in it for the buzzwords. Whenever I drop some missional lingo, my
friends have no idea what the flip I am talking about. I like that feeling, and
I need more of it. That is why I have my man, Patrick. He makes me feel
like I am part of his club.”
Though Guns N’ Roses fans will tell you that the 13 years they waited
for Chinese Democracy was the most excruciating period of anticipation in
modern pop culture memory, fans of Patrick Keifert’s We Are Here Now
have endured an equally trying time. Well, chin up, missional leaders.
Your time of deliverance has come.

No Sweetheart on Valentine’s Day?

No problem!
Visit www.luthersem.edu/desperate4luv/BiblicallyBasedCompatabilityTest/
Find your someone special at the well - quick before it’s too late!!!!

Noncord • 7
 Noncord asks
What are you giving up for Lent?

“Being a student.” “Playing Farmville on Facebook.”

- Dean Grier - Alvin Luedke

Dean Professor of Rural MInistry

“The internship assignment process.

“God, evil and suffering.” I’ll just going back to throwing darts
at pictures of middlers.”
- Alan Padgett
Systematics Professor
- Rick Foss
CLI Dude

“Trips to Middle-earth. I’m “Trying to break my own Spoken

obviously needed here.” Words per Minute record.”

- Terence Fretheim - Lois Malcolm

Systematics Professor
Back in Action OT professor

“My plans to write Crazy Balk: A Not-

So-Stuffy History of Baseball’s Silliest
“Hope.”
Rule.”

- Rolf Jacobson - Walter Sundberg

Professor of History
OT Professor

“2 faculty, 3 staff, 2 degree programs,

“A Successful Church.” the espresso machine in the Bible
Division lounge, all the classes that
- Rev. Paul Harrington
The New Mann start with the number 4, and tanning
sessions for the admissions staff.”
-Richard Bliese
Our President

“Smoking seductively and my

“Being.” sultry accent.”
-David Fredrickson -Guillermo Hansen
Systematics Professor
NT Professor

8 • Noncord