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~Before I Die~

Written by: Jesse Jhon Andrews

I use to think I was a righteous and noble man. Yet due to recent events I find
myself questioning the very spiritual fabric of my entire being. I was pinned
between choosing love and choosing honor. Many would rather choose lust and live
dishonorable lives, while sacrificing integrity and truth, to maintain the delusion of
acceptance and attachments to codependency, whilst pretending it is love. I fell far
from the spiritual man I once was to maintain a feeling of security and safety, to
maintain a fantasy of security and safety wherein I was living. Yet within every
passing moment of each and every day at that residence, I was slowly losing the
hope and light of inspiration from within me. It was being leeched out of me by the
constant evils and abuse I witnessed in the household of which I became a part of;
yet by mine own doing of course, because I never spoke up about what I was
actually thinking and feeling about that evil and abuse, due to my own fears of not
having a place to live.
I arrived there at that residence [34033 Mobile Lane, Scappoose Oregon 97056] on
September 7th 2009 @ 9:45 pm. I have lived there for 5 years. It is truly amazing
how fast time flies by when the comfort zones of longing for security and safety
outweighs the desire to be freed from the entrapments of codependency. Life there
was not what I would call good. Then again it is not what I initially would have called
bad, either. It was simply a forced comfortableness that I became a part of, out of
survival. Yet in the process of becoming a distinct part of that family many changes
began taking hold of me and mine awareness. I started telling myself that it was a
place of healing for me. And I actually felt and still feel that being taken into that
home as I was, is a blessing I will always have memories of being thankful for. Yet all
that came to a crashing halt on Sunday the 10th 2014. The reality of how I was
living in a forced comfortableness and security land-blasted mine awareness with
pain, torment, anxiety, and eventually and ultimately became fear for my life being
taken. And all because I tried to reach out and get help for Sarah and myself. On
the surface the husband (Shawn Patrick Brown), his wife (Sarah Elizabeth
Brown/Neilson), and their three children (Brittney, Anna, and Toby) appears to be a
happy family. Yet living there with them as long as I have, I have learned it is far
from being a happy home. Yet it was a place to live, and I was desperate for a place
to live upon my arrival there back in 09. Instead it is a home ridden by adultery,
abuse, lies, distrust, denial, and fear: of varying degrees within each member of the
household.
Anytime and every time I ever spoke about Shawn and Sarah, I always edified them
to others, and expressed my thankfulness about them taking me into their hearts
and home. Little did I ever know there was a side to their marriage that would end
up catching me directly in the middle of their abusive relationship, trapped, and
imprisoned within the path of becoming the arch-enemy to their secrets.

Through those five years living there, I became close friends with them both, though
not by mine own standards of what makes someone a true friend. Yet I always had
to be mindful of not spending too much time around Sarah, for Shawn was always
extremely jealous of Sarah and would guard over everything she ever did, or
wanted to do with an abusive authority and used insults, anger, and fear to control
her every movement. Through all of the conversations Shawn, Sarah, and I have
ever had, I purposely never got involved in what their complaints were of oneanother to me. I would do my best to console them both and encourage them both
to not give up on the other. As if I believed in the hope of their relationship being
repaired, more than they ever did. At first I would do my best to point out the
positives in the other, depending on who was speaking/venting to me. Yet as
minutes turned to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, and weeks to months the
positives had diminished so much that the passing years became a dark covenant
of deception and ruin.
The whole time I was there the most important thing to me had always been my
music compositions. Due to my disabilities, Music compositions are my strongest
aspiration, gift, talent, and ability. Music has always been my-everything, from the
age 14 to present. It has literally been the only thing that has enabled me to
tolerate all I have experienced, and survive as long as I have with a glimmer of hope
that things would get better. While living with the Browns I have Created/Composed
and recorded over 117 songs. I have experienced many inspiring moments with that
family. From the times we experienced laughter to the times Sarah and Shawn both
brought into the world two new precious and beautiful children, Anna and Toby:
totaling three wonderful children, Brittney being the oldest of the three. Yet the
stress and anxiety between Shawn and Sarah was building, layer upon layer of
resentment, frustration, deception, abuse, anger, and fear. I also had become
resentful, frustrated and fearful.
The most important thing to me now, though the music will always be important to
me, is being reassured everyone in this situation will be safe from all present/future
harm. Yet truth be known, that is a far cry from anything that I could imagine as
being a plausible hope worthy of deep thought. Threats have been made,
insinuations of Sarah's and my own life being threatened by Shawn directly and/or
his Italian Mafia connection through a man named Ken.
I am in the midst of a crisis, and am in need of divine guidance and supportive
direction. I am currently unemployed and my driver's license is currently suspended,
[allegedly] due to my sleep apnea. The new sleep apnea results are still pending
and are awaiting my starting a new program with a new home sleep study. This time
instead of going to the hospital for the sleep study they are allowing me to do the
sleep study at home with the devices and attachments hooked up to me. After those
results are turned in from that 24 hr home sleep study, I will then be assigned a
sleep apnea machine, of which I need to use a minimum of 4 hours per night for a
minimum of 30 days to accumulate enough data for the sleep apnea specialist to
review. After that data is reviewed the sleep apnea specialist will then fill out the
form that DMV is requiring to show that I am compliant by using the machine and
that I can safely operate a motorized vehicle, which will then get my driver's license
re-instated (if all goes as I have been told).

I allegedly have 90 days to find another place to live, according to Shawn. The
property owner of the property I live on is Shawn Patrick Brown. His wife, Sarah
Elizabeth Brown revealed to me that she has feelings for me and has for a long
time. She also revealed to me that she loves and is in love with me. She then
confided in me all her fears of Shawn killing her and/or I himself, or having one of,
or both of us killed through his Mafia connection, through some man named Ken (his
accountant). For two-and-one-half days she expressed to me her fears of her and/or
I being hurt or killed, if Shawn were to ever find out.
This placed me in a very awkward and uncomfortable position. I have lived here
since Sept 7th 2009 9:45 pm. I was taken in after being offered a place to live as I
was getting on my feet financially and doing what I could do to rebuild my
foundations to a productive and successful life. I was told that I would never have to
worry about rent or utilities or anything of that nature, as long as I was willing to
help out now and then with little things around the property (which I have done to
this day). The kindness extended to me is and was a blessing, and came at such a
time in my life I felt it had to be divine intervention. During my 5 years time here at
this residence I have developed what I thought was a deep friendship with both
Shawn and Sarah Brown. Yet more-so, Shawn: due to the fact that he would always
become excessively jealous if I spent too much time around Sarah and the kids. So I
constantly had to be mindful of letting Sarah know I cared for her, her time, her
words, her energy, while at the same time extending the same genuine sincerity
and support to Shawn.
Ac-cumulatively speaking, during my whole time that I have stayed here at this
residence (34033 Mobile Lane, Scappoose Oregon 97056), I have seen good times
as well as bad times in the family household. Every argument or 'bad-times'
between Shawn and Sarah always revolved around Shawn's abusive comments
towards Sarah and the way he did not approve of her not raising the children in the
way that he wanted and desired. His position was that she was not disciplining the
kids and would undermine anything he would say to the kids by telling them
something opposite of what he would say or would just outright ignore what he
would say, which was programming the kids to know that 'they get their way with
mom, and not daddy'. I would do my best to console Shawn on this, while openly
admitting to Shawn how I could see where this would cause resentment and
frustration in his heart towards Sarah.
Meanwhile Shawn expressed to me on many occasion that Sarah was not sexually
satisfying him, and that the resentment and conflict between them had grown so
much that any intimacies that they would experience felt forced and would more
times than not be completely ignored. Shawn even started sleeping in their guest
bedroom downstairs and often times on the couch downstairs in the living-room due
to them not getting along. Yet the majority of the times that he slept downstairs he
attributed to it being because Sarah would always allow the kids to come join him
and Sarah in their bed to sleep at night, which ended all chances of them being
intimate with one-another. Shawn expressed how this bothered him many times to
Sarah, and according to Shawn's conversations to me she did not care what he said
since she would make no attempts at correcting this, and teaching through
discipline that the kids have their own beds. This was a constant complaint of
Shawn to me about Sarah and what he was going through. My heart would sink

every time he spoke about this, and often times he would be emotionally moved to
tears when speaking about it.
As long as I have known Shawn he has expressed his distrust of Sarah, and his selfloathing for ever marrying Sarah. He often said it was a mistake and if he could ever
go back and change it, he would. Yet he maintained that he is only staying with her
for the kids, and due to his own past, knows what it feels like to have parents that
separated and the hell that causes in the hearts and minds of the children.
Meanwhile he would constantly verbally degrade and belittle Sarah, to her face, as
well as behind her back to all his acquaintances and friends. The only times I have
ever seen him amorous towards Sarah was when he would get roughly 3-4 drinks
into his pursuit of drunkenness.
And then he would act more kind and understanding until he got his sexual needs
seemingly met, and then he would go back to being resentful and belittling of her.
This was a constant cycle. It saddens me to admit that even I had secretively
started wishing he would drink more, just so there would be more peace in the
household between him and Sarah. The dysfunctional relationship between them
was growing and becoming more and more abusive as time went on.
When Shawn and I would speak privately about this I would validate how he felt
about some points he would raise for his consternation towards Sarah and how she
would allow the kids to do as they pleased regardless of what Shawn would say.
While at the same time I would do the same when Sarah and I spoke privately,
about Shawn's abusiveness and refusal to be involved with the kids on a one-on-one
basis. I was supportive of them both in the areas that resonated with my own
beliefs. Yet I would always refuse to get personally involved during their arguments,
which most of the time would end with Shawn making threats to Sarah about
kicking her out onto the street, or taking the kids from her. Sarah was constantly
stressed from not ever being able to get a mental/emotional break from being
around the kids 24/7. She had repeatedly asked for Shawn's help in watching the
kids, while she went to the store or just wanted to get away from the house for a
little bit, and his response was always abusively negative; telling her that that was
her job and he was always too busy. Even if it was just us guys hanging out in the
shop visiting, he would always say he was too busy and for Sarah to go away and
leave him alone. He would constantly chastise her each time she would attempt to
be a part of any conversation. He would tell her: "Shut up Sarah, no one cares what
you have to say!" I would make it a point to tell her privately that what Shawn said
is not true, about everyone not caring. I expressed to her that I do care what she
has to say and am sorry she is going through this. The day I heard Brittney tell
Anna: "No one cares what mommy says" was the day part of my spirit felt shattered
and I was growing even more angry inside of the abusive environment, and how it
was, and still is effecting the kids on a deep mental, emotional, and spiritual level.
If I was not so desperate for needing a place to live, terrified of being homeless with
my disabilities being as they are, I would have spoke up to Shawn about his
abusiveness long ago. So I have failed Shawn, Sarah, and the kids in this. And
perhaps on another level I have even failed myself, and the core of my own morals
and beliefs; all of which I am still desiring to heal from. I have developed my own
type of self-loathing and regret for holding my tongue as long as I have, and not
speaking out and openly long ago when I first started seeing this abusive behavior,

and the hurt and pain it was causing to others. I admittingly know that I was selfish,
in needing a place to live, and desiring to maintain the blessing of a place to live
that Shawn extended to me back in 2009, while at the same time I was always
feeling as if I was in survival mode, walking on egg shells... knowing that
challenging him in any way whatsoever would be a first class ticket to being kicked
off the property.
Shawn has had sexual relationships with several women and would tell me: "It's not
cheating if I tell Sarah I am going to do it." King Solomon in the Bible had many
wives and concubines. Shawn would often reference this as being the role model
and example for justifying him seeking the same in his own life. Whether or not
Shawn having sexual relationships with other women was or was not cheating on
Sarah, or whether or not it was justified in his own mind and heart to do so, the fact
remains that Shawn does not love Sarah, and never cared if whether or not his
actions caused her extreme pain and torment. One of the young ladies Shawn had a
sexual affair with confided in me that Shawn got her pregnant. She was
contemplating abortion or convincing her other boyfriend at the time that the child
was his. This young lady felt torn on what decision to make due to her spiritual
convictions. And even though I was being looked to as a spiritual guide per-se for
advice, I did not know what to say to this young woman. So, I ended up telling her
to always follow her heart and always be true to herself, no matter the outcome,
because she has to live with herself long after everyone around her is gone. I have
not seen nor spoken to that woman since. I do not know what choice she made or
how she is coping with whatever choices she made. That young woman was
emotionally unstable as it was when I first met her. So, I truly did not know if Shawn
actually did get her pregnant. And I never felt it was my place to speak to Shawn or
Sarah about it, as they were both at complete odds with each other as it was.
Should I have? To this day I do not know for certain. Yet I do know that Shawn is well
aware of his actions, and it is not up to me to hold him accountable to his choices
and how it affects others. Yet, though I say that, I still feel somewhat responsible, as
a witness.
Sarah told me on many occasions what Shawn's actions and choices do to her. She
expressed to me on many occasions how he is destroying the light within her. Sarah
was, and I believe still is, spiritually starved. She would express her desire to
reconnect with her Native-American roots, yet Shawn was against it. She expressed
her desire for Shawn to attend church, any church, with her and the kids, and
Shawn wanted nothing to do with the Churches, due to his own past history through
his family and their own abusive environment they had in his younger years. I have
watched Sarah reach out on many occasions to build and rekindle a spiritual
foundation of some sort... anything, for herself, the kids, the family, her husband.
Yet, Shawn made it a point to never be a part or supportive of her doing that in any
way whatsoever. And any further attempts for it would be drastically shot down and
undermined by Shawn's belittling comments to her about the idea of her desiring
spirituality of some sort being in the family household. Sarah started leaning on me
even more so for the spiritual foundation and feeling of spiritual connection. This
was very awkward for me because I knew within my heart that Shawn would not
approve of what my suggestions would be to Sarah, and would end up becoming a
situation wherein I was asked to leave. So, once again I held my tongue in hopes of
preserving a place to live. I detest my fears of being homeless, that I would not give

my all in certain conversations with Sarah and Shawn, out of my own fears of being
homeless. Shawn would blame her, and Sarah would blame him. I was always
caught in the middle playing peace-maker for them both while always worrying
about saying the wrong thing, and ending up causing my own place to live being
gravely compromised. Meanwhile, I would do my best to counsel them both within
the forced parameters of wherein I felt I could openly, yet privately, speak on
spiritual subjects relating to their relationship, without ever being perceived as
being a threat to Shawn's and Sarah's comfort-zones.
Then there is the issue of the cats. Sarah expressed to me how she hates seeing the
kittens/cats suffer. I agreed with her that I do not like seeing it either. Yet Shawn is
of the belief that nature will take its course, just as it does in the wild, and the
kittens/cats are not to be taken in to the veterinarian for
shots/immunizations/licensing/tags... or anything of that nature. Then he would
conclude the statement with that they couldn't afford to take them in anyway. Some
kittens failing to thrive would die and get tossed over the fence into a field, while
others contract diseases/ailments that would spread to the other cats. And any cat
that peed too much on his property (marking its territory) would be driven out into
the country and abandoned. I hated this more than anything. And it told me a lot
about where Shawn's heart was when it came to the life of the innocent, even if in
the animal kingdom.
The one that bothered me the most out of all the cats that suffered, and still suffer
to this day, was a kitten I rescued, named Delmer. Shawn and Sarah use to have an
above ground pool for the family. Well, as it turns out one of the kittens (Delmer)
climbed up on it and fell into the pool and was drowning. It was the strangest thing.
Literally all of the cats were surrounding the pool looking up at it while these
grotesque sounds were coming from the pool. I normally do not walk straight to the
back yard when I first wake up in the morning. Yet that day I felt pulled to the back
yard and was following that pulling sense within me. When I got back there I saw
these cats surrounding the pool and I heard those atrocious sounds. When I looked
into the pool I saw the little kitten barely keeping his head above water howling out
in terror. Into the pool I went and gently removed him from the water. His heart was
pounding intensely and he went limp into my hands, once I freed him from the
water. A short while later Sarah took him inside the house, dried him off, and nursed
him back to warmth and calmness. As Delmer grew older, he and I had a bond that I
have never experienced having with any animal. He would always come to the door
of my camper, which most times I would leave open, and thank me with birds he
would catch and leave on my porch. We had this unspoken understanding. I saved
his life, and for the rest of his days he was constantly thanking me for it. One day
Shawn grew fed up with him peeing on the wheels/rims of his vehicles (causing
them to rust) and decided to drive him out into the country and abandon him there.
I have not seen that cat since. To this day I will never understand how Shawn could
do that, yet I held my tongue. Why not donate them to a happy home? Why not put
an ad in the paper for a free cat to good home? Yet when it comes to breeding and
selling the kittens for 15-30 dollars a cat there is no issue with putting an ad in the
paper. Some things I will never understand. I am in no way whatsoever claiming that
I am the perfect example of functionality, either. I am dealing with my own shortcomings, faults, and disabilities.

After being robbed of all my money at knife point downtown in Portland Oregon, and
shortly thereafter losing the drive-line out of my van (back in 2009), I was desperate
for help and solely relying on a miracle to pull me out of that situation I was in, and
the overwhelming feeling of being stranded. Cedar Mill Bible Church reached out to
me and provided that miracle and what a divine blessing that truly was, and always
will be in my memory. I am truly indebted to them and promised that one day when
I was able to, I would pay them back for that blessing and gift of divinity; a promise
that to this day I have not forgotten, and will keep my word on. Not only did they
pay to have my drive-line fixed they also fed me, and gave me a place to live while
my van was being repaired. It was through that church that I met a beautiful couple
of which led me to being introduced to Shawn and his family. Shortly thereafter,
Shawn extended to me the blessing of living on his property, parking my camper in
their front yard alongside their house. And that is where I have lived ever since.
Nevertheless, back to the current times and events of which caused me to write all
of this, is fear, worry for the safety of Sarah's life, the kids lives, my life, and even
Shawn's life (he has, in the past, alluded to killing himself on more than one
occasion). And mainly, that the truth be known if anything should happen to Sarah,
the kids, Shawn, or myself.
When Shawn told me on Friday 8,2014 and on Saturday 9,2014 that he feels Sarah
is hiding something from him (which he had mentioned to me many times before),
and has been for some time, little did I know that when I spoke to Sarah to counsel
her on their marriage, Sunday 10,2014, that what she was hiding was her feelings
of love for me and her incessant fear of Shawn and his mafia connections through a
man named Ken (Shawn's accountant) leading to her and/or my death. I was friends
with them both the best I knew how to be, all things considered. Yet after I learned
of Sarah's feelings for me and that Sarah's fear was real and genuine, I was placed
into an even more awkward position than I had ever experienced or known. I felt
compelled to act on her behalf. I felt that it was upon me to find safety for her. While
at the same time I was in shock of how deep her fear of Shawn and Ken went, into
the depths of her. I asked her repeatedly about the fear she claimed, and whether or
not it was a genuine fear or just a concern. Soon as I was convinced it was a
genuine fear, I started making phone calls on her behave. During all of this I too was
becoming an emotional wreck. Here I am friends with a husband and his wife: she
reveals to me that she has feelings for me and has for a long time and writes to me
a beautiful love letter: expresses to me all of Shawn's threats of killing her and
burying her in the woods: her fears of Shawn's connection to Ken and his Italian
Mafia ties/family: as well as her fears of what Shawn or Ken will do to her and/or me
if Shawn were to ever find out about her feelings for me: and was fully convinced
that her and/or I would be killed if Shawn and Ken found out.
Long ago when I first moved to the Brown's residence I had vowed to always be
honest and truthful with both of them. I promised and made an oath to them that I
would never lie to them about anything. Some people will claim that omitting
something in a conversation, is lying. Yet in my mind omitting something in a
conversation is not a lie, it is simply not sharing every detail of something. I have
avoided too much for far too long with all I have witnessed and seen while living
here with Shawn, Sarah, and their kids. And if we all live through this, I pray we all
become stronger and more noble in our relationships from this day forward. Yet: not

through fear, intimidation, threats, and/or manipulation. So here I was torn and
caught in the middle of a terrifyingly bad situation. I became fearful (and still am) of
Sarah's safety in the relationship as a whole. I became fearful for hers and my own
safety regarding her feelings of/for me being made known, since she said she would
eventually tell Shawn when she was ready. She said she will do anything for the
safety of her kids and herself. She also said she doesn't want me to be hurt or killed
either.
Meanwhile, during all of our conversations those 3 days, I kept asking myself: "At
what point do I talk to Shawn about this?" She told me she planned on telling him
anyway when she was ready. Yet the longer I keep this knowing to myself the longer
the length of betrayal of my oath and vows to always be honest with them both. So
the question became one of immediacy in my mind. I envisioned that the secrecy
would end up making matters much worse than they ever needed to be, between
Shawn, Sarah, and I in the long run. I had to choose between Sarah's proclaimed
love and seeking safety for her and the kids, and myself, or the honor and integrity
of always standing for truth no matter the cost or repercussion. I chose both, yet it
took betraying Sarah to do so. I keep reminding myself that Sarah told me she was
going to tell Shawn anyway, and eventually, when she was ready. So the threat of
harm or death was imminent and bound to happen whenever that conversation was
to take place between Sarah and Shawn. What confused me the most in all of this
was if Sarah was so terrified of Shawn finding out as her whole testimony to me
conveyed, why would ever telling Shawn be a thought in her heart and mind?
I wanted to be freed from the emotional hell that had developed within me from all
that I have seen between Shawn and Sarah, while at the same time I wanted to be
freed from my fear of being homeless. Yet my fears of her and/or I being killed
started to outweigh all of it. Sarah begged me to not tell Shawn or talk to him about
her feelings for me or what she confided in me about regarding her fears. I agreed,
through fear, to not say anything. Yet, though I gave my word to not say anything, I
would end up saying more than just something, I would say all of it and betray her,
and for that I can never forgive myself, for the sake of the principle and standing by
my word: and being known and trusted for my honesty and integrity. Even though
the few I have confided in on this situation say that I did the right thing, I still feel
that I didn't.
Before I went to talk to Shawn I was a nervous wreck. I called a friend of mine
(Justin) to come pick me up because I was feeling trapped, and in too much pain to
think straight and needed an honest perspective from someone not attached to the
situation. Wow, I was even contemplating suicide for the pain I was feeling from
betraying Sarah's trust and going to Shawn with all of this! Justin got up out of bed
and drove 40 some miles to pick me up so we could talk. Meanwhile I texted Shawn
on his cell-phone and told him I was leaving and did not know if I would be coming
back or not. Shawn knew something was up ...and wrong, yet also felt neglected on
the level of our friendship since I was not confiding in him about what I was going
through, and instead chose to confide in Justin. Justin is and always has been an
amazing friend and spiritual brother to me, even though we may not always agree
on every aspect of life. Justin was moved to tears as he read the love letter that
Sarah wrote to me. And was at a loss of words hearing all the details of the whole
situation I was facing, and was sorrowful for what I was up against. What became of

his advice was for me to stand by my beliefs and morals, and hold true to the
spiritual path of which I walk in this life: even if it gets me killed. After going through
a plethora of emotions I finally asked him to take me back and I would have a
conversation with Shawn on my return. Justin said Shawn is least likely to over-react
and hurt me if he is there when I talk to Shawn. So I agreed that he could sit in as I
talked to Shawn. When we got back: I texted Shawn on his cell-phone asking him to
come downstairs so we could talk. We then all went to the Shop (Shawn's garage) to
have the hardest chat I have ever had to have... with anyone in my life.
I did not know where to start or how to begin. So I started with saying: "Shawn,
please be strong. This is going to be very hard for you to hear, yet even harder for
me to say." I then said: "I discovered what Sarah was hiding from you all this time,
and it is not what you were thinking it to be before. She is not cheating on you or
smoking weed. Sarah has feelings for me and has had for a long time, and the other
thing is she is terrified of you!" I then started to break down emotionally, while I
then told him of Sarah's and my whole conversation. He told me he did not believe
me. I told him I have never lied to him about anything and was not about to start
now, as I am choosing honor and integrity over secrecy and lies. He said again that
he did not believe me and that he was going to believe that the love she spoke to
me about was just as friends. I told him it was more than that, yet her fear of him
and Ken was a serious issue. Shawn then started shaking his head no, and I looked
to Justin and told Justin: "I can't keep it from him because he does not believe me,
and is thinking I am lying." I then handed the love letter Sarah wrote to me to
Shawn. As he read through the 4 page letter, all he said was: "She is a good writer!"
Then there was an uncomfortable silence. Shawn began to cry, clenching his jaw
muscles, and then said: "This letter is mine now!!" "I would rather have it back it
was written to me" I responded. Shawn said no then tucked it away in a clenched
fist. I was standing there trembling not knowing what would happen or become of
my honesty. Shawn then asked me: "Do you love my wife?" I said: "Yes." Shawn
asked: "Are you in love with my wife?" I said "Yes." I then said: "I love and am in love
with both of you equally; just not like a boyfriend/girlfriend type of love." Shawn
then said: "You coming to me might make this easier for you, I have to see what Ken
says first." I asked: "What does that mean?" Shawn never answered. Instead he
began saying how Sarah was a lying bitch cunt and that he knew she was lying to
him all this time. And that he was going to use this letter to entrap her and set her
up in a lie to get rid of her. The conversation came to an end and Justin went home
and I went to my camper. Needless to say I couldn't sleep and was terrified of what
he might do to Sarah and what my response would be to him harming her, me, the
kids, or himself. 5 1/2 hours later I went into the house for hot water to make my
morning cup of coffee. Sarah was in the kitchen alone. I told Sarah how sorry I was
and that she would feel betrayed by my actions, yet to understand I would not allow
any harm to come to her or the kids. "What did you do!?" she asked. "I told Shawn
everything Sarah,...everything!" "Gee thanks, you just got me killed...you just got us
both killed!" she said. "I am so Sorry Sarah, I will not lie or live in secrecy. You may
never forgive me, and I will understand I am truly sorry Sarah. Don't fear the truth
Sarah!"
Looking back, though I was and still am truly sorrowful for betraying her trust and
not keeping my word to her by keeping all that she revealed to me a secret, I chose
honor and integrity over lies and secrecy and it took betrayal of a dear friend to

stand by what truth was and is. Yet, as Sarah said, I just got her and/or us both
killed for doing so. And now, it's just a matter of time and place as to when that
happens. Later that afternoon I attempted to empower Sarah with options, choices,
and alternatives by reaching out to her family and the community for help. She was
just as emotionally a mess as I was, yet I desired to proceed as logical as possible
that everyone remain safe from any future harm or death. I asked her to please
reach out to her family and make them aware of the situation for support. She
expressed her fear of doing so and what further harm that would cause her and the
kids. I told Sarah if she is that afraid I can have a federal agent be down here at the
house that day. I then told Sarah whether or not she reaches out for help or not, I
feel compelled to act on what information I have. And now that I have been made
aware of the threats, and imposing dangers I have to reach out for help for her, the
kids, and myself. Several times that day she asked me what she should do. She then
said: "Okay as a third party not involved with any of this what would you suggest I
do here?" I told Sarah: "Well Sarah, I would tell you the same as I would tell anyone.
If you are truly scared for your life and/or safety, then you need to get the hell out
of here as fast as possible and seek help and protection from the authorities." I kept
going in and out of the house that afternoon to console her, and beg her forgiveness
for the betrayal of trust. All: to no avail. Meanwhile later that afternoon Sarah
packed up some of the kids belongings and said she was going to go stay with her
brother Sam. Apparently: Sarah texted Shawn on his cell-phone telling him of her
actions. He threatened her with him shooting himself with his gun, if she did.
Sometime during that same time frame Sarah had sent a text message to Justin
saying how she feared for hers and my safety.
Shawn got home around dusk that evening and while sitting in his Nissan pick-up
truck I approached him and told him I told Sarah that I talked to you about
everything. He said: "And?!" I told Shawn: "I also told her I let you read the letter."
Shawn started to say: "I told you that I..." and then I interrupted him, and told him I
am friends with them both and am staying true to that friendship. Sarah then pulled
into the driveway and began unloading the kids things and took them back into the
house. I went in the house to talk to Sarah, which is where she told me about his
threat to shoot himself if she left. Meanwhile Shawn came inside and looked at me
and said: "I would like to talk to my wife privately!" while making a slight motion for
me to exit the front door. "Yeah-yeah: no problem Shawn." I said as I left and
returned to my camper. Meanwhile I was being eaten up with worry over the whole
situation, and decided to return out to the Shop and work on a painting project that
was started some 2 weeks prior.
About 24 minutes went by and then Shawn came out to the Shop in an aggressively
postured stance (unlike anything I have ever seen him do before), and said: "Did
you give my wife an ultimatum that if she did not call her mother you would call the
feds!!?" "What!?, that's not the way it went down Shawn! What I told her was that
she needs to reach out to her family for support, and whether she did or didn't that I
would be making my own calls to ensure that she and I were safe from all possible
harm. The only part about the feds that came up in all of that was I told her that if
she is genuinely that scared of you then I could have a federal agent be down here
the same day." Shawn immediately changed his stance, and then did a 180 in his
tone. He then said that he had Sarah call everyone she reached out to that day and
tell them it was all a huge misunderstanding, and that everything was fine. Shawn

then demanded that I do the same. I refused. I said: "This is not a


misunderstanding, for there is no flaw in my thinking process. She is genuinely
terrified of you, and I have reason to believe what she says is true." "You are going
to make matters worse Jesse!" Shawn said. He then told me he has to meet with
Ken that evening and our fates would be decided then. "What does Ken got to do
with any of this?" I asked. "I'll tell you what he says when I get back" Shawn replied.
"And also,..." Shawn continued: "...Sarah told me she is afraid of you and that she
asked me to tell you to stay away from her and not talk to her!" "Are you fucking
kidding me!??" "Afraid of me!!?? For what!? Looking out for her safety and my
safety!!??" I said. "Just stay away from her Jesse, and I have told her the same
about you. That's such bullshit Shawn!" I replied. And then he went back into the
house.
Why did Shawn use the phrase "decide our fate"? My mind was racing with all Sarah
had told me the past few days, to what I have heard Shawn say the whole (5 yrs.)
time I knew him,... about if anyone ever became a problem or threat to his family he
would have them, through Ken, taken out (killed). Suddenly, Sarah's fear of Ken and
Shawn's mafia connections became more of a reality to me, than ever, since Shawn
said our fates would be decided by Ken at that meeting. Shawn got home well after
midnight from the appointment with Ken. I was waiting up in fear waiting to hear
the impending results and wrath-of-doom that I was convinced from Sarah, would
befall Sarah and/or myself. I asked Shawn: "What did Ken say? you told me you
would tell me when you got home." Shawn said he was too tired to talk about it and
that he would speak to me in the morning. I did not nor could I sleep, while I waited
for morning to arrive. Morning was upon us, and I was tired of waiting. So, I went
into the house looking for Shawn. He was sitting at the kitchen table eating a hotpocket. I asked him what Ken said. Shawn told me he was not going to talk to me
about it and that I need to give Shawn space. I told Shawn: "Fine, that tells me what
I have to do." Shawn says, "No one has to do anything." "Actually I do, Shawn!"
"Jesse its time for you to leave, and move on!" "What's that mean, Shawn!?" "We
want you off the property as soon as possible." Shawn responded. "Are you
serious!? All because I was honest with you and forthright about this whole
situation, I am being made to be the enemy here!?" Shawn then said: "This situation
cannot be properly taken care of with you here."
What did that mean>? that Sarah cant be punished, beaten, or killed and buried in
the woods (which in times past he told her he would do) as long as I live here, or
that I cant be killed while on the property? He never clarified what he meant. So, I
started making more phone calls expressing the whole of this situation to those I
felt I could speak to about it, so that they would know what happened if I (or Sarah)
should end up physically hurt, beaten, missing, or even killed.
Much later that day (evening) I found time to speak to Sarah privately wherein I
reiterated to her from a previous conversation I had with her while Shawn was at his
meeting with Ken, that if anything happened to either of us I had recorded all of our
conversations, and it would be known what happened. She again expressed to me
her hatred of me for betraying her trust and friendship and how I invaded her
privacy by recording the conversations, and that under no circumstances was
Shawn to hear those recordings (I told her I did not know what else to do, yet had
no intentions of him hearing them.); And that the moment she started talking about

hers and/or my life being in danger I started recording the conversations, before
someone got to us before it was too late for any of us to reach out for help. She
then was yelling and said that my life being in danger was done by her and not
Shawn. I was in shock and immediately felt confused. She then ordered me to get
out of her house, of which I quickly left. As I left I held up my phone to her showing
her that even that conversation was being recorded, to which she flipped out even
more. She later told Shawn that I had a recording of her admitting that my
impending death was being done by her and not Shawn. Shawn looked to me and
said I had nothing to worry about and she was just venting. All of which, I believed
nothing he said. Later Shawn attempted to reassure me that there was nothing to
worry about. However, Ken insisted that the following day Shawn was to bring Sarah
to meet with Ken personally, to allegedly make Sarah feel more at ease and to
allegedly know that Sarah was not in any danger from Ken or the mafia family. After
Shawn and Sarah returned from meeting Ken, Sarah had changed 180. She was now
saying she was scared of me, and could no longer trust me on any level and was
allegedly telling Shawn how I coerced her into being as afraid as she had become.
Five years of torment and hell from Shawn to Sarah, down the proverbial drain and
suddenly they are a healed, happy, loving, married couple? I don't buy it for a
moment! This is a huge forced-act to pacify those small few whose attention is now
on this situation and household. When Sarah started to leave with the kids to go to
her brother's house to stay and Shawn threatened her with killing himself if she left,
and then after getting home and taking her upstairs [to talk to his wife]... after all of
that is when Sarah did the first 180 change. And it became worse after Shawn took
her to see Ken. Ever since those two major events: both of them have been going
out of their way to make this look like I am to blame in some way for all of this. And
that I am responsible for all the fear Sarah had, and what Sarah confided in me
about the past few days prior. As well as me having to leave the property, is by my
own doing according to Shawn, since I am now making Sarah feel uncomfortable.
Shawn told me yesterday (Friday 22, 2014): "Jesse I told you from the beginning
that you are welcome to stay here as long as Sarah is comfortable with you staying
here. And now she is no longer comfortable with you staying here so you have to
go."
I have reached out to several agencies locally as well as nationally, for help and
support in this situation. Shawn knowing that I have been reaching out for help and
in-so-doing making all of this public, made it very clear that the police, DHS/DSHS,
and/or any other government agency is to not be involved in their lives, or in any of
this whatsoever, or things will get much worse and more ugly for me here, and
everyone else around here.
So I am facing homelessness (if I am allowed to live that long), and no place to go,
to park my van and camper (and I question the safety of the camper being pulled
down the road at it's age), nor the funds to do so. I can't imagine anything worse
than suffering or death. So, before I die, I desired that the truth be known as to what
happened to me and who is behind it. I was repeatedly intimidated and threatened
for reaching out for help. And will most likely be made to suffer even more for
saying here, as much as I have.

To be continued

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