Being single is better than being

married to an unsuitable partner

William B. Girao
One weekend I was in a Christian Workers Conference in which a Getting to know
you questionnaire was given out. The final question asked was: What is the one
thing that you would like to do before you die? To this question, more than one lady
participant scribbled the answer: To get married!
Marriage is a most desirable thing. Marriage is our Creators gracious provision to
meet our need for companionship, have a fit partner with whom we could obey
Gods mandate to use and manage the earth and provide the best setting for the
raising of children (Genesis 1:28; 2:18).

Lack of marriageable men

The realities of our fallen world, however, dictate that not everyone will get married.
In most Christian groups, the ratio is three marriageable men for every five
marriageable women. Of every five marriageable women, therefore, two would not
find a Christian marriage partner. The situation is hardly any better in the general
population.
The lack of marriageable Christian men, moreover, is aggravated by the
perverseness of human hearts. Christian men become attracted to non-Christian
womenwhile non-Christian men are attracted to Christian women! Many Christian
women, despairing of ever finding a suitable Christian life partner, are sorely
tempted to marry unbelievers.
When reminded of the incompatibility between a Christian and a non-Christian in
marriage, some women would say: An unhappy marriage is preferable to no
marriage! Or: It is better to try and fail, than never to try at all! or Maybe he will
become a Christian when we are married. In my many years of teaching and
counseling with individuals and couples, however, I have seen enough broken
dreams, dashed expectations and misery beyond relief to conclude that it is much
better to stay single than to be married to an unsuitable partner.

Staying single is better than getting married to someone

who has no loyalty to Christ
Christian girls with unconverted boyfriends defend their choice by saying, He is a
wonderful person once you get to know him. Be fair. Give him the opportunity to
prove himself! or He is so caring, so understanding, so protectiveyou feel like a
princess when you are with him! or He is much more considerate, trustworthy,
and culturally refined than many Christian guys I know!
The reason a follower of Christ should not marry an unbeliever, however, has
nothing to do with whether a man is considerate, courteous, or cultured. These

ways could easily be put on while courtingand, then, just as easily forgotten once
married! The issue involved in marrying an unbeliever, rather, has to do with
obedience, and with what is at the center of a persons lifewhat are his basic
loyalties, his basic values, and his basic purpose in life.
The Christians life centers on Christ. His first commitment is to please Christ, obey
Gods Word, and faithfully do his part in the building of Gods Kingdom. The
unbelievers life, in contrast, revolves around something or someone else, not
Christ. The building of Gods Kingdom is not the unbelievers concern. These
radically different commitments make the believer and the unbeliever incompatible
for marriage.
A Christian friend of mine in love with an unbeliever wrote to me saying, Love will
conquer everythingincluding even our religious differences! Sadly, afterwards, in
the nitty-gritty of life, her slick slogan did not work!
When a person whose basic commitment is to please Christ marries someone whose
preoccupation is to please himself, irreconcilable conflict becomes inevitable. When
someone who is committed to obey Gods Word marries a non-Christian who denies
the authority of Gods Law, conflict is as certain as night follows day! The believing
and the unbelieving spouse will clash over their priorities. They will have serious
disagreements over their use of money, the way the children should be brought up
and the kind of friends they keep. They will have constant tension over their
participation in spiritual activitieslike attending worship services during Sundays.
They will argue even over saying, Thank You, Lord before meals!

Marital conflicts
Marriage to an unbeliever is constant conflictunless the Christian partner decides
to adopt the values of his non-Christian spouse. Doing so, however, means that the
Christian deliberately turns his back on what he knows is right. In doing that, he is
not only disloyal to the Savior who died for himhe also grossly violates his
conscience. And the person who violates his conscience will be miserableeven if
outwardly he may pretend to have a great marriage.
Conflict between a believing and an unbelieving spouse will continueuntil they
agree to tolerate each others faith. The husband and wife go their separate ways.
They formulate some compromise regarding crucial areas of marriage. A couple I
know agreed before they had children that their sons would join their father in his
church, but their daughters would join their mother in her church! Obviously, there
can be no family unity in the marriage. And without unity, a marriage will never be
happyfor the parents or for the children.
There will, of course, be instances where the non-Christian spouse will come to
genuine faith in Christ. When that happens there will be much thanksgiving to God.
The conversion of a spouse, however, does not retroactively justify the Christians
original disobedience in marrying a non-Christian. The coming to faith in Christ of a
loved one is Gods incomparable grace at work. Such a conversion should never be
interpreted as an indication of Gods approval of the original relationshipthe
believer marrying an unbeliever.

Compromise
The conversion of a non-Christian spouse is reason to praise God. But, tragically,
more often than not, it is the Christian who is pulled down to the level of the
unbelieving partners values and lifestyle. It is easier to pull someone down than to
push him up. The Christian partner easily adopts the ungodly ways of his or her
unbelieving spouse.
A friend of mine, formerly a Christian leader married an atheist. Not long afterwards,
this former co-worker declared that she no longer believed in God! Another friend,
formerly a Christian student leader, married an agnostic. This once-dedicated
Christian now aggressively argues that everything came to be through the process
of evolution and random chancenot through any supernatural activity of a
supposed Creator!
A daughter of a missionary doctor married an unbeliever. Today, both husband and
wifeand childrenregularly spend Sunday mornings before the TV instead of
joining others in church to worship God. The wife has to deal incessantly with
broken relationships and face unjustly exploited victims left behind by her husband.
She has to continually cope with a husband whose life is dedicated to only one
pursuit: to get money, more and more moneythrough fair or foul means, no
matter who gets hurt in the process! The unbelieving spouse more easily imposes
upon the believer than vice-versa.
It is better to be single than to be married to an unbeliever. This does not
mean, however, that just any fellow believer will automatically be a suitable
marriage partner. Regrettably, there are believers who are unsuitable marriage
partners.

Being single is better than being married to an insecure

husband or a quarrelsome wife
Even a Christian can be irresponsible, or insecure, or insensitive or even violent. To
marry such a man is to enter a most miserable life! I have a friend who married a
very insecure man. This Christian husband was so unsure of his beautiful wife that
he prohibited her from talking with any of her friends or from receiving telephone
calls! He kept his wife almost a prisoner at homewith the front door always locked
and the window curtains always drawn!
In the same way, not every Christian girl makes a suitable marriage partner. There
are Christians who are rebellious, unsubmissive, quarrelsome, and impossible to
please. Marriage to such a wife is unmitigated misery! I know a Christian leader who
married a very quarrelsome wife. Every time they quarreled, the husband would
invariably, partly in self-blame, angrily reproach his wife, If only I hadnt married
you, I would have accomplished much more in life!
It is better to be single than to be married to an insecure husband or to a
quarrelsome wife.

Husbands are divinely mandated to be the head of their families (Eph. 5:23). When
a husband is unqualified to lead the family, the marriage will be unhappy. For a wife
to submit to an irresponsible husband is for her to serve under an incompetent boss
all her life!
On the other hand, a quarrelsome wife is an unutterable burden. A nagging wife is
as annoying as a leaking faucet that goes drip, drip, drip while you are trying to
sleep (Pro. 27:15)! This is why the writer of Proverbs warns:

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered

wife. (Proverbs 21:19)

A good life partner is a gift from God

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the
LORD. (Proverbs 18:22)

A good wife is a most precious treasure. The same thing may, of course, be said of a
good husband. Taking a marriage partner, however, involves taking tremendous
risks. You can never tell for sure what your dream girl or ideal man would turn out to
be once you are married!
In life, every decision you make exposes you to unforeseen consequences. Then,
Nothing risked. Nothing gained, is true even of marriage. To reach for happiness is
also to risk unhappiness.
There are no ready-made husbands. And neither are there RTW wives! If you
wait for the perfect husband or the ideal wife, you will have to wait forever! We take
a marriage partner by faithtrusting God to give us the partner who is best for us.
A good life partner could only be a gift from God.

Facing the struggles of being unmarried

It is better to stay unmarried than to be married to an unsuitable partner.
Nevertheless, the struggles of being unmarried are real and difficult. I realize that I
may appear unqualified to speak to the unmarried because I myself am married! Yet
what I say is based on what the Word of God says, and on what I have seen, prayed
about, and agonized over as I have counseled many hurting individuals and couples
over a period of thirty years in Christian ministry.
Singles have to struggle with loneliness, unfulfilled sexual desires, and the longing
to have their own children. As the unmarried grow older they feel more keenly their
seeming vulnerability as they face life alone. They have no children to take care of
them in their old age. How does one cope with these realities?

Dealing with the insecurity of being alone

Gods Word has a wonderful promise for those who forego marriage for Christs
sake. Look, Peter said to the Lord one day, we have left everything and
followed you. Truly, I tell you, Jesus assured Peterand all those who say
NO to marriage for His sake, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters
or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to
receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers and
sisters, mothers and children and fields (Mark 10:29-30).
For those who say NO to marriage, for Christs sake, the promise is for them to have
brothers, sisters, mothers, and children a hundred times as much! But how does
one have mothers a hundred times as much? Or children, brothers, or sisters a
hundred times as much?
Christs promise of brothers, sisters, mothers, and children a hundred times as
much has to do with the Christian church. When you believe in Christ, you become a
bona fide member of Gods household (Eph. 2:19). As a member of Gods
household, you share in all the resources of the Church. This means that in the
church, every home is your home. Every mother is your mother. Every child is your
child. Every man is your protector. And every woman is your caregiver.
No local church, admittedly, is perfectly being what it is meant to be. Nevertheless,
imperfect though the Church may be, it still is Gods best provision to help meet the
needs of its membersincluding the unmarried.
In the Church, every family is your family. As one among believers, you share in the
mutual protection, mutual provision, and mutual concern of all believers for one
another. The Christian community is Gods gracious provision to help the unmarried
cope with loneliness, with feelings of vulnerability and with the longing for children.
The Church, in fact, is expected to provide material provision and care in old age.

Dealing with unfulfilled sexual desires

What about the struggle of the unmarried with unfulfilled sexual desires? The
unmarried may not satisfy longings with sexual intimacies without committing
sexual immorality. But here again is comfort from the Word of God:

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your
heart (Psalm 37:4).

That psalmist tells us that if we delight in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our
heartsthat is, God will grant us the object of our desires. But then, obviously, we
have desires which we cannot pursue without choosing to sinlike the desire, in
one who is unmarried, for sexual intimacy!
Another interpretation of the above passage is this: When you live in obedience to
God He will give you the desires of your heartthe desire itself, not just the object

of your desires. When your heart is attuned to God, He will take away from you
those desires that cannot be rightfully satisfied. He will then put in your heart those
desires that may be righteously fulfilled. God purifies the desires of those who
delight in Himrather than indiscriminately granting all that they want.
The unmarried may not rightfully enjoy sexual intimacies. But the Lord does not
deny anyone something good without giving him other good thing in return. In life,
in a sense, everything is a trade-off. For every privilege you get, you have to give up
some other privilege. For every gain, there is a price to pay and a corresponding
responsibility to assume.

Compensations
There are many compensations for singles. The unmarried may go anywhere,
anytime at a moments notice. The unmarried may eat wherever he wants, at any
time he wants, and with whoever he wants. Singles dont have to wake at 2 a.m. to
care for the baby. She who is unmarried need not share the ownership of her body
with someone. She does not have to try to please one specific person all the time.
God is fair. He does not take away something without giving something else in
return.
Singles, of course, have certain responsibilities imposed on them. In Filipino society,
for instance, the financial support and direct care of elderly parents fall squarely on
the shoulders of the unmarried daughter or the unmarried son. Then, even this
heavy responsibility could be a happy privilegeas the unmarried enjoys the love
and sincere gratefulness of his or her parents.

Happiness
Marriage is exciting and exhilarating! But marriage is not everything. Happiness is
not dependent on being married. Happiness is peace of heart. Peace of heart is
the inner satisfaction of knowing that we are in right relationship with God and with
others. A right relationship with God is our submission to His will and active
obedience to His commands. Happiness, then, is obedience to God.
Life need not be half-fulfilled if you are not married. Christ our Lord Himself was
never married, and yet He lived the one perfect, thoroughly balanced, and totally
fulfilled lifebecause He perfectly obeyed the Father.

Some practical concerns

There are spiritual leaders who readily assure unmarried women that it is Gods will
that every man and every woman be married. Getting married, they say, is a matter
of faith. Marriage is assured if one has faith and enough patience to wait for Gods
right time and Gods right partner. Is this valid teaching?
I am definitely getting married this year, a friend in her late 30s wrote to my wife
and me one day. The Lord has assured me that He is sending me the right man
within this year. I received this very idea from my pastor himself! A year later, this
same lady again wrote with the same assurancebut with a one-year

postponement to the fulfillment! Yet again in the third year, our friend wrote
expressing the same certaintythat she was getting married that year!
The careless teaching of some unwise spiritual leaders has caused much untold
psychological harm and unnecessary emotional pain. Christ Himself tells us that in
this sinful world some will not marry (Matt. 19:12). Some will say NO to marriage
because of the kingdom of heaven. Some are called to itinerant ministries where
marriage is inadvisable. Others are called to proclaim the Gospel in places where
accidental death or martyrdom is a daily possibility. Hence, going with a wife and
children would be most unwise.
Some will not marry because of their responsibility for othersas when an eldest
daughter is forced to take care of her old or sickly parents and as well as provide for
her younger brothers and sisters. Some are denied marriage simply because there
are not enough marriageable men around. With the ratio of five marriageable
women to every three marriageable men in Christian groups, the only way for all
Christian women to marry would be for some of them to marry unbelievers!
Moreover, others may not marry because they are incapable of marriagedue to
congenital or acquired psychological incapacities or emotional instability or physical
deformities.
Originally, it was indeed Gods intention that marriage be the norm for every man
and every woman. But because man fell into sin, marriage is no longer possible for
everyone. To teach that it is Gods will that everyone will get marriedif only one
has faith and patienceis to unrealistically raise hopes and expectations. And when
these hopes and expectations remain unmet, as some will bethere will be
frustration and bitterness. And on top of the frustration and bitterness, there will
now be the burden of false guilt to bear because of the wrong teaching. The
unmarried will now blame themselves for their supposed lack of faith and lack of
patience!
Is sublimation a valid way coping with unfulfilled sexual desires?
Sublimation is the attempt to redirect the expression of our basic impulses from
behavior, which is ethically unacceptable into behavior, which is acceptable. For
some, the redirection of unfulfilled sexual desires may take the form of, literally,
continuous work.
Some load themselves with unending activities such that at the end of the day they,
literally, drop to their beds dead tired. They go to sleep without time or energy left
to indulge in sexual fantasies. This way of coping with unfulfilled sexual desires,
however, is really running away from the problem rather than doing something to
solve it. Moreover, constant overwork leads to burnout.
Sublimating unfulfilled sexual desires may also take the form of keeping busy by
helping others in need. Helping people in need, of course, is most laudable. But
helping others should be motivated by sincere care for themnot by your desire to
forget your own problems. If you help others in order to forget your unfulfilled
sexual desires, then you are simply using others as a means to an end. Having said
thatif we get our eyes off our problems and look to the Lord, and view things in

the context of eternitymeaningful activity may well be Gods way of keeping us

from dwelling in problems.
For the Christian, the way to cope with unmet needs is to bring the problem to God
in prayer. When you read the book of Psalms, you will discover that the writers were
honest about expressing their unhappiness. Many of the Psalms are bitter
complaints addressed to God! When you read Job, you read more complaints. In
Lamentations, Jeremiah blamed God for Israels destruction! Yet, surprisingly, God
did not condemn the psalmist, Job, or Jeremiah for complaining.
Bring your unmet passionate desires to God in prayer. Complain to Him! God would
rather have His people express their unhappiness to Him than see them turn their
backs on Him in rebellion! Those who go to God with their tears and sighs will
receive the comfort of the Holy Spirit. The Christian deals with unmet sexual needs
through confession, not through sublimation.
When do you say that God has called you to a life of singleness?
Christian living is an ongoing relationship with God. Living for Christ is an adventure
an adventure of faith. Every new day, in a sense, is unpredictable. God has
pleasant surprises for us when we least expect to be surprised! It is enough that we
follow Christone step at a time, a day at a time.
Enjoy every day as it comes. Do not postpone your happiness hoping for marriage in
the future. Happiness is not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Happiness,
rather, is in the little flowers that you see by the wayside as you pass by. Take time
to savor the simple pleasures that the Lord brings to you dailya fond smile, an
appreciative letter, a little gift from a friend.
Leave the future to God. It is for Him to decide if you are to stay single or to marry.
Marriage could come any time! There may be an age limit to bearing children, but
happily, there is no age limit to getting married! Meanwhile, use every day to do
your part in the building of Gods Kingdom. What the Lord gives you to do, do with
all diligence and faithfulness (Ecclesiastes 9:10). Our loving heavenly Father knows
what is best for you. Trust Him with your future.