Dimitri My Juggler Method (Compact edition by another Dimitri aka Mohican ) Part

I Introduction Words are limited. There's a Buddhist joke about it. The Master s
hows a matchbox to a novice disciple and asks: "What is it?" The disciple says:
"Why, it's a matchbox!" "No, no, no!", - says the Master, - "Can't you hear? Lis
ten to the word: matchbox, matchbox, matchbox... Now listen to this", - and the
Master shakes the matchbox, so his disciple can hear how the matches rattle insi
de. I feel like that disciple as I approach the task of explaining the Juggler M
ethod in writing. Of course it must be taught by example and learned by practice
. But I'm going to write about it al the same. Just keep in mind that difference
I've described above - between the concept and experience. What I'm about to wr
ite is the concept. Enjoy it Chapter 1 There are 3 fundamental elements to the c
lassic Juggler Method. 1. Make her interesting. 2. Reward/Relate. 3. Escalate. L
et's talk about the first element. 1) Make her interesting. It absolutely doesn'
t matter how interesting I am to a woman. What matters is how interesting she is
to me. She has to be interesting enough to deserve my attention, and yet I am a
gentleman enough to help her to show herself to me in the best possible way. He
nce, "make her interesting". And the more a woman feels that I make her interest
ing, the more she realizes what a fascinating guy I am - so I don't have to jump
out of my skin to prove my "social value"! One great thing I've discovered than
ks to the Juggler Method is that there are no boring people in the world. Someon
e may appear boring because I hadn't yet discovered anything unique about him or
her. And yet, when I do something to help that person to reveal their uniquenes
s, suddenly the whole new world opens up to me! Everyone carries a marvelous une
xplored universe inside. I like to think of myself as an explorer, a discoverer
of the secret, mysterious, fascinating worlds. I'm the inner world adventurer, a
kind of spiritual Indiana Jones. How do I discover the unique things about peop
le? I ask them series of increasingly personal open-ended questions. An open-end
ed question is a question that begins with: What..., Which..., How..., Who..., W
hen..., Where..., or Why... Such questions make people feel compelled to answer
with a well-developed story, sharing their experience, as opposed to just saying
"yes" or "no". What is one thing that would make this evening memorable for you
? Which of your high school teachers did you have a mad crush on? How do you ima
gine the ideal romantic situation? Who is the person that had influenced you the
most? When was the last time you've found something so hilarious you couldn't s
uppress laughter in public? Where in the would do you dream of going? Why had yo
u chosen this college? Of course there's more to the art of having a meaningful
conversation than just asking questions. If I kept peppering a woman with endles
s questions, the conversation would become incredibly exhausting for both of us,
and I would make her feel interrogated. Here is the proper structure for an ele
gant conversation: My question. - Her answer. - My statement. - My question. - H
er answer. - My statement. - My question. - Her answer. - My statement. - etc. T
he question-answer-statement structure of the conversation helps me to increase
rapport. And each statement I make consists of two parts:

2
a) Reward; b) Relate. As I've said before, Reward/Relate is the second fundament
al element of the Juggler Method. I will describe it in the next two chapters. B
ut let me go an extra mile and add the last bit here.
I always speak in the "I" perspective. When I describe my thoughts and feelings,
when I share my experiences with people, I
use the word "I" instead of "you" as people do quite often for some vague psycho
logical reason. It might seem counterintuitive, but saying "I" definitely helps
people to relate to what I'm saying much better. Chapter 2 One thing I've neglec
ted to mention in the previous chapter (and wrongly so), is the "vacuum". The "v
acuum" is a JM term for a simple and effective way to strongly compel a partner
in the interaction to answer the open-ended question. After asking a woman the o
pen-ended question, I make a strong eye contact, and freeze my body. I keep sile
nt, I do not move, and do not break the eye contact until the tension becomes so
unbearable to her that she feels obligated to break the silence and just say so
mething. I usually employ the "vacuum" only in the beginning of my interaction w
ith a woman. Very soon afterwards there's no need for such powerful way of makin
g her talk, because she enjoys the conversation with me, and answers my question
s very willingly. Now let's talk about the second fundamental element of the Jug
gler Method. 2) Reward/Relate Let's discuss the Reward. After a woman answers my
question, I reward her for answering it, no matter how brief her answer was. Af
ter all, she has made an effort of opening up to me, and this effort is somethin
g I had requested from her in the first place by asking my open-ended question.
And of course I want her to make even bigger efforts further along in the conver
sation. By rewarding her for each effort, for each little unique thing she share
s with me, I make her feel good about opening up to me, I make her feel apprecia
ted and liked. I sincerely express my appreciation. Another important thing abou
t the reward is that by giving it I express my approval. I am the man who gives
approval without seeking approval from others. I'm the approval-giver. So by rew
arding a woman for each effort she makes, I convey the fact that I'm the man in
charge. How do I reward? When a woman is answering my open-ended question, I lis
ten very careful y and do my best to deduce the very essence of what she is tell
ing me, the important unique quality of her personality that she is revealing to
me. Than I simply tell her that I like this unique quality that she has just re
vealed. The three things to reward are: What she says; How she says it; What she
does while saying it (or while not saying anything at all; this third form of R
eward I can actually use even if she doesn't answer my open-ended question!) For
example, a few days ago I've spoken to a young woman in a bookstore. She was we
aring a necklace with a tiny pendant. I liked that necklace. I asked her a very
simple open-ended question: "How did you get it?" I did the "vacuum", and she to
ld me, "Well, I was just passing by the store window and saw the necklace there,
so I stepped in and bought it". I was paying attention to what she was saying,
and from her words I could recognize her spontaneity. This was the unique qualit
y I liked and felt like rewarding. So I said to her, "I find you spontaneous, an
d I admire that about you!" It's so simple - and it works. I also use another, v
ery elegant and powerful form of reward that greatly shortens the time necessary
to build rapport. This type of reward is called Push-Pull. A Push/Pull is exact
ly what it sounds like. Imagine pushing a woman very slightly on her shoulders,
so she takes one step back away from you. Then imagine yourself taking her firml
y by the forearms and pulling toward yourself, so close that the two of you shar
e an embrace. Now think for a moment, how would you do it using just words, with
out physically pushing her? This is the Push/Pull. The "Pull" part of the Push-P
ull type of Reward brings a woman much closer to me than if I had just rewarded
her directly. That's why the Push-Pull helps me to achieve the rapport faster. "
Oh... You see, I would never marry anyone like you. If I were married to you, ou
r household would go broke in less than a week! Actually, I am joking. I like yo
ur spontaneity!" There are also several very important nonverbal rewards. I rewa
rd with a smile. I reward with my laughter if something she says or does is funn
y. I reward by touching a woman.

3
In the next chapter I will tell you a few things on how to Relate to your partne
r in the interaction. Chapter 3 Let's talk now about the "Relate" part of the Ju
ggler Method statement. The first way of relating is Relating to a Topic. A woma
n gives me one bit of her unique personal information, to which I relate by givi
ng her one bit of my unique personal information. The topic is the same and we h
ave similar opinions about it. The rapport is established. Nice and easy. Howeve
r, if our opinions on that topic were opposite, we would end up hating each othe
r's guts within minutes, despite the fact that we've talked about the same topic
. The solution is this: Relating to an Emotion. Let's say, the woman gives me a
bit of personal information (she adores cats), but instead of relating to the to
pic and telling her I'm allergic to those vicious furry beasts, I pay attention
to the emotion of the adoration she has expressed. I can absolutely relate to ad
oration. I experience it very regularly. I adore motorcycles. Especially the one
I ride - Ducat Monster. So when she tells me she adores cats, I say this: "I kn
ow exactly what you mean. It's the same with me and my motorcycle. I adore it be
cause it's small, wild, and cute. Come to think of it, there's something of a CA
T to my DuCATi!" She giggles. And lo and behold, the rapport is established. Som
etimes the main emotion embedded in what she is saying is negative. How do I dea
l with that? First I relate to the negative emotion she has expressed, and then
I switch from the negative emotion to the opposite positive one. For example, if
a woman tells me about something that had frightened her, I tel her about my la
st visit to a dentist. "One of my best friends is a dentist, but I'm generally s
cared of them since childhood (in my native country when I was growing up dentis
ts didn't believe in anesthesia). So I went to the dentist and I was shaking. Bu
t surprisingly, it wasn't painful at all, and everyone was very nice to me, and
my tooth was fixed and didn't hurt anymore. When I left the dental office I felt
grateful and relieved!" I transform the negative emotion of fear to the positiv
e one of relief. There are various exercises I practice with my private clients
during every one-on-one coaching session. Those exercises help my clients to dev
elop solid skills in asking open-ended questions, rewarding and relating. After
a few rounds of such exercises a client become so comfortable with the structure
of the Juggler Method that he is amazed at how easily a subtle but real persona
lity transformation can be achieved in a human being. In the next couple of chap
ters I will share with you a few thoughts about the third fundamental element of
the Juggler Method - Escalation. Chapter 4 In the few earlier chapters we've re
viewed two fundamental elements of the method: 1. Make her interesting; 2. Rewar
d/Relate. In this one I'm going to write to you about the third, and probably th
e most important element: Escalate. 3) Escalate Very often, communication to my
clients before the coaching sessions, I bump into the description of a common pr
oblem. Clients tell me: "I seem to be unable to escape the "friendly zone", "my
interactions with women never go anywhere", "I run out of things to say", "she i
s bored and so am I", etc. All those symptoms point to the same disease: lack of
escalation. What is escalation in courtship? Quite simply, escalation is the co
ntinuous, conscious, deliberate act of deepening the rapport with a woman. Count
erintuitively, I believe that the best way to deepen rapport is to break it and
make my partner in the conversation invest her effort into building it. That's w
hy the Push/Pul principle is so important. It's rude not to escalate. When a man
refuses to escalate, a woman feels as if he keeps her at a distance by being co
ld, stuck-up and snobbish. A women wants a man to want to become closer to her.
She creates opportunities to do so. A great number of women are conscious about
the precise time when they let men escalate and see if men have what it takes. I
f a man rejects a woman (by not escalating), she feels unappreciated as a female
- a very insulting and embarrassing position for her, considering how much effo
rt she invests into expressing her femininity. By escalating I give a woman what
she seeks - I confirm her desirability, I validate her status as a female. I kn
ow from the experience that every woman I talk to expects the escalation, someti
mes consciously, sometimes without even being aware of it. To see what I mean, t
ry talking to random women anywhere you go - standing in line for movie tickets
or waiting to get to a bathroom in a coffee shop, for example, and escalate ever

y time. You'll be surprised: if you

4
begin the interaction in a friendly way, you will find yourself able to escalate
very far in most cases. I think even now as you are just reading this, it rings
true, because escalation is the natural, and most importantly, expected way to
communicate with women, and having lived in the world for a few years we're all
to a certain degree familiar with the phenomenon. If you just relax into it, it
will happen automatically. But, paradoxically, you might have to make a consciou
s, deliberate effort to relax into it. Everything in the Juggler Method is about
escalation. Escalation is the reason why I ask a woman series of increasingly p
ersonal open-ended questions - and I also combine them with the series of increa
singly personal statements. Escalation is the reason why my body conveys more an
d more comfort and intimacy in the course of my interaction with a woman. Escala
tion is why I kiss her or ask for a date or a phone number - and so on. Among th
e number of actions creating the escalation one is particularly important. I'm t
alking about the touch (scientifically nicknamed kinesthetics or short "Kino").
Quite a few men appear to have a problem with touching women. I used to be very
troubled about that - until I've realized that Kino wasn't a problem. It's a sol
ution! (As in "landing the plane with the engine failure isn't a problem... it's
a solution"). Kino is the lube that makes the whole machine of courtship run sm
oothly, without grinding the sprockets. Without Kino, the Juggler Method wouldn'
t do much for you, it just somehow wouldn't work. Quite simply, it's the touch t
hat makes a woman want to stay in the interaction with you! There's one thing th
at I as the instructor have to whisper in my clients' ears again and again as I
observe them interacting with women during our in-field practice: "Tooooouuuuuch
heeeeer!" Touch her. How is it done? I guess I 'll have to show you. But the im
portant principle is this: touching must escalate. Start small - by touching her
on the forearm, for example. And then gradually proceed to her shoulder, on the
back, on the back of the neck, on the small of her back -- and so on. One of my
favorite variations on Kino is the Hand Kino Escalation: I only touch a woman's
hand, and nothing else. I begin
with the back of her hand, than later I hold her hand, then I squeeze it and see
if she squeezes my hand in return, then I put
my fingers between hers, I kiss her wrist softly, etc. Touch is a reward. If I t
ouch a woman after she says or does something cute or when she opens up to me, i
t makes her think something like: "Oh... I know why he just touched me. He must
have really liked what I've just said. What a sensitive guy! Oh God, I hope he's
straight!" Touching is a polite thing to do. We'd all been under-touched, under
-caressed in childhood, and we definitely don't get enough of it as adults. By t
ouching a woman I give her what she really needs (and rarely receives from other
s). As I said, touching is a Reward - which brings me to another thing I wanted
to say: the verbal Reward/Relate element of the Juggler Method is, in fact, also
a form of Escalation! It's all connected. What do I achieve by Rewarding a woma
n and Relating to her experiences? I make her want more of the same, and make he
r work harder to deserve my Rewards - so she will invest her efforts in building
the rapport that I would deliberately undermine again and again by Push/Pull (t
he indirect Reward), which is very effective way of rapidly increasing the level
of the rapport. Another highly important thing is demonstrating the high value.
Traditionally it had been done by bragging, which doesn't really work too well.
The Juggler Method offers the alternative: Disqualification (or DQ). Disqualifi
cation means to me enthusiastically revealing my vulnerabilities to a woman I am
speaking with. Every time I reveal something that might be perceived as my weak
ness to a woman, I see and feel how she begins to respect me much more. This is
so strange! I think it happens because, as I've said earlier, by revealing my vu
lnerabilities I actively demonstrate that I'm perfectly comfortable with who I a
m. Also it raises my value because if I reveal my vulnerabilities so fearlessly,
I must be really strong otherwise, must have something to back it up with. And
- last but not least - women are so used to men trying to show themselves in the
best possible way early in the relationship only to become disappointingly impe
rfect afterwards that when they realize I don't hesitate to be imperfect in the

beginning they think they've discovered a marvel: a genuine man! Naive creatures
, women! :-) I'm kidding of course. The Disqualification is a pattern of true si
ncerity: "Yes, I really AM imperfect and I'm okay with that". There are several
typical situations in which Disqualification comes in handy. One of them is "fig
ht against the Superman". Courtship and rivalry go hand in hand, and our worst r
ival is the phantom of the Perfect Man who doesn't even exist. I don't want to b
e compared to the imaginary superhero because in this comparison I, the real-lif
e man, can't win. In the next chapter I will tel you much more about the third f
undamental element of the Juggler Method: Escalate. Chapter 5

5
More about the third and probably most crucial fundamental element of the Juggle
r Method - Escalate. Escalation is a continuous process, there must always be th
e upward vector. As the ancient Chinese master of Martial Arts said to his disci
ple, "there must be a flame under the pot all the time, otherwise the pot grows
cold". I describe the feeling I have when the escalation progresses smoothly as
if the continuous river of escalation is streaming through my and her hearts. Ho
wever, there are several phases of escalation in the Juggler Method - and each p
hase if defined by a Turning Point of Escalation. The pre-escalation phase is th
e Approach. It's the critical phase, because during this phase many men shoot th
emselves down. There's even a term coined for the problem: the "Approach Anxiety
". In my opinion, the Approach Anxiety is nothing but a confusion of a man whose
mind and body have to deal with too many tasks at a time: visually identifying
the "target" and potential rival males; coming up with a valid tactic to deal wi
th a possible confrontation; the physical act of approach as such; finding words
to begin the interaction; dealing with the possibility of a rejection; body lan
guage; positioning next to the target (sitting or standing); in-set logistics (w
ho to talk to first, how to move within the set); former or imaginary negative e
xperiences; etc. The solution for the so called Approach Anxiety is to remove un
necessary obstructions by giving a full commitment to one task only: the physica
l act of approach as such. This act is extremely simple and requires minimum eff
ort. I don't confuse myself by thinking of what I'm going to say. I will deal wi
th that after I approach. Instead, I just take the five steps. (Sometimes even t
he five steps are not necessary. Very often my target stands right next to me, a
nd all I have to do is just turn toward her - this constitutes the Approach). Th
e first Turning Point of Escalation is the Opening. And here's the biggest secre
t of the so-called "nightgame" I've ever learned about talking to strangers and
turning them into lovers: open with Kino. Kino comes before the words - and will
continue throughout the entire interaction. Before I say anything, I touch a wo
man on the outside of the arm (or on the outside of the leg, this option is more
intimate and is of course available only when she is seated) with the back of m
y hand. I hold the contact for a few moments (because if I remove my hand instan
tly it would feel to a woman almost as if I pinched her). Only after I've touche
d a woman, I say something. As for the verbal part of the Opening, there's a bit
of a difference there between the so called "nightgame" (clubs, bars, lounges,
etc.) and "daygame" (anywhere else, whether it's day or night). Women in clubs a
nd bars are open to meeting and interacting with strangers because they are in t
hose places precisely to meet and interact with strangers. Women in bookstores,
health food markets and coffee shops are somewhat more reserved, so the "daygame
" requires a smoother, less obvious opening. I can think of a hundreds of struct
ures for an improvised verbal openening - and I've tried them all. But let me sh
are with you my favorite form of the verbal Opening: The Blank Mind Opening. Bla
nk Mind Opening is exactly what it sounds like: I clear my mind completely and a
pproach a woman - and then say the very first thing that comes to my mind. I hig
hly recommend you to experiment with the Blank Mind Opening - you'll be amazed a
t what clever and witty (and sometimes incredibly goofy) things will come out of
your mouth! Kino + verbal Opening begin the first phase of escalation: Neutral.
The Neutral phase of escalation is often wrongly called "Platonic". It might be
irrelevant here, but the term "Platonic Love" comes from Plato's famous philoso
phical dialog "Symposium" (A MUST reading for any thinking person). In that dial
og Plato gives probably the only definition of love in the history of human thou
ght that can be considered as valid. Platonic Love is the complete realization o
f the unity of souls between the two human beings, in which they both perceive G
od in each other. This kind of love means complete trust, complete selfsacrifice
, complete compassion, complete mutual belonging, and it can occur between two p
eople of any gender as sexual partners or friends. So in the state of Platonic L
ove sex is an option but not a requirement, therefore essential y the Platonic L
ove can either take a form of deepest friendship or deepest romantic relationshi
p. Therefore, the Platonic Love is the highest achievable form of friendship AND
sexual love equally, the absolute form of love achievable in the material world

, and as you can see, it has nothing to do whatsoever with a situation when the
two people hardly know each other and make small talk. That's why I'm absolutely
against calling the first phase of Escalation "Platonic". It's Neutral, okay? :
-) During the first moments of the Neutral phase the structure of conversation i
s usually the least important consideration for me. There's still the inertia of
the opening that propels the interaction forward, and it's more than common tha
t for a few moments I get to answer the questions from the set. They are always
smal talk kind of questions: "Where are you from?", "What brought you here tonig
ht?", "How do you like the place?" etc. If no one in the set asks me those quest
ions, I ask them. And it's also from the very moment I open I begin to use every
opportunity to Disqualify myself - eagerly sharing my vulnerabilities and gaini
ng respect for that. I'm going to continue doing it throughout the interaction.
The purpose of the Neutral phase is to make the people comfortable with the idea
of me becoming a part of their group.

6
That's why the Neutral phase is extremely important. It's like a graceful dance,
when everyone knows that the talk is quite empty, and yet we talk about weather
etc. because on the nonverbal level we are taking time to get used to each othe
r. However, I do not want to get stuck in the Neutral phase. I do my best to kee
p it very short. That's why I imperceptibly move to asking them very light openended questions, and initiate the Question - Answer - Statement structure of the
conversation. This structure will continue throughout the whole interaction. Th
ere's one important open-ended question I always ask a woman during the Neutral
phase of the escalation if she seems to be on her own. I ask this question becau
se I want her to know I'm not going to make her uncomfortable by being impolite
to her companions if they happened to step away for a few minutes. I call it the
"Guardian question": "Who are you here with?" Finally I arrive to the point whe
n a woman I speak with makes a commitment to the interaction by revealing a sign
ificant bit of the unique personal information for the first time. And this is w
hen I place the Second Turning Point of Escalation: Statement of Approval. State
ment of Approval is, quite simply, the very first significant verbal Reward that
I give to a woman. In fact, I've been Rewarding her lightly earlier, and every
verbal Reward I will make afterwards will also be a statement of approval, but I
call this one the Statement of Approval with the capital letters because it's t
he very first Reward for the unique personal information a woman has revealed fo
r the first time, and when I Reward her for it, my Reward becomes a Turning Poin
t of Escalation - it increases the speed with which I build the rapport. Stateme
nt of Approval begins the second phase of Escalation: Personal. During the Perso
nal phase Kino is used to deepen the rapport. From this moment on, I ask a woman
series of increasingly personal open-ended questions, and apply the ful force o
f the second fundamental element of the Juggler Method: Reward/Relate (every now
and then using the Push/Pull as an indirect Reward). And among my increasingly
personal open-ended questions there's one I ask once in every interaction somewh
ere in first third of the Personal phase. It's a "Relationship Situation Questio
n": What's your relationship situation?" There are several reasons for asking he
r: "What's your relationship situation?" One of them is that I am quite sure tha
t there's a good probability of her currently being in a relationship. I want to
be the one to bring up the topic in a positive way, otherwise she will do that
a bit later negatively (as in "I have a boyfriend so let's just be friends"). I
want her to realize that I am aware of the fact that she might have a boyfriend,
and that I'm quite comfortable with it. This question also moves the conversati
on to the topic of the relationships. And it's very easy to make a transition fr
om the topic of the relationship to the topic of human sexuality. At some point
she says or does something that I genuinely find sexy about her. This is when I
place the third Turning Point of Escalation: the Statement of Intent (SOI). I te
ll her something like this: "I like the way you .......... (whatever she has jus
t said or done). I find it sexy about you!" I make sure I articulate the Stateme
nt of Intent in such a way that there's no doubts whatsoever she had heard me. A
nd I never hesitate to repeat it is she asks what was it that I just had said. A
ll three words: "I', "you", and "sexy" must be there in one sentence. Use your i
magination for now to fill in the blanks. The SOI leads to one of the two possib
le outcomes. If a woman accepts it - if she reacts to it favorably in one way or
another, or if she hides her reaction, which for me is a sign of acceptance - t
he rapport grows exponentially (the line shoots upward), creating the third phas
e of Escalation: Sexual. During the Sexual phase the purpose of Kino is to give
a woman physical pleasure, to make her feel good. A little back rub or neck rub,
running fingers through her hair, caressing her tenderly anywhere she wants - n
ow is the time for doing this. I go even more personal with my open-ended questi
ons and my Reward/Relate statements during the Sexual phase of the Escalation. I
ask her questions about sex - and I'd like you to warm up with the idea of talk
ing with me openly and unapologetically about human sexuality. At this point I h
ave to come up with a convenient reason to either move the woman away from the g
roup of her friends or move her friends away from the woman. And there are a few
more important things I do here. I build up sexual tension by creating Sexual B

arriers. I impose certain obstacles between me and her - surmountable obstacles,

to be sure. Something that seems to prevent us from getting physically closer.
This tactic makes a woman want to overcome the obstacles, and she begins to be v
ery active in the escalation. Essentially the Sexual Barriers tactic is a form o
f Push/Pull in which the Push is designed in such a way that a woman does her ow
n Pulling. By creating an obstacle I give her a powerful motivation to work on e
liminating that obstacle. The barrier I create has to give her an option of clim
bing over. May be even with a little ladder propped against it somewhere in clea
r view. 1. And finally we arrive to the desired destination: Close. There are va
rious forms of Closing: 2. A number Close - I hand her my cel phone ("Here"), wa
it until she takes it, and tel her "I want your phone number") 3. An email close
: ("Got a pen and a paper? Wait, I think I do. Here, write your email address pl
ease") 4. A kiss Close ("Close your eyes!" - she complies, knowing exactly what'
s coming - I kiss her) 5. An instant date Close ("I'm hungry. Let's walk and fin
d a pizza place nearby. We can sit there for a while and get to know each other
better!") 6. A date close ("Remember you told me you ride horseback? I'd love to
join you sometime!")

7
7. Two or more of the above together. One important thing about the Close is tha
t I always stay with a woman for some time after I closed her - and build more r
apport. If I don't stick around more, she might think I was only talking to her
to "score". And another important thing - whatever Turning Point I make - Open,
SOA, SOI - and especially in the Close - I say and do things casually, nonchalan
tly, not making a big deal out of them. The less "special" I make my Statement o
f Intent, for example, or request for a phone number - the higher is the probabi
lity for me to get what I want. And that's the entire structure of the Juggler M
ethod Escalation for you. I know it might sound somewhat complicated, but when y
ou see it in practice you'l be amazed how easy it is. And the most important pri
nciple of the Juggler Method is this: it's all about having fun. Chapter 6 There
is a notion, unfortunately too popular among many courtship instructors, that i
n order to master any new skills a man has to get out of his comfort zone. I wou
ld not argue with people who hold such opinion, because the opinion of any perso
n is based on the lifetime of experience that particular person had collected, a
nd by pronouncing them wrong I would invalidate the entire lives of those guys.
I however hold a different opinion based on my own experience of teaching variou
s skills - from music to martial arts to creative writing to motorcycling. I thi
nk it is almost impossible to really master any new skill if a student has to de
al with the formidable feeling of being out of the comfort zone AND at the same
time with the task of mastering the new skill . That's why I teach differently.
Stay in your comfort zone so you can master the new skill. Let me give you an ex
ample. Elegant conversational structure is at the very core of the Juggler Metho
d. There is much more to courtship than just words, but verbal part is important
. You can practice and total y master it without getting out of your chair. Go t
o one of the popular romance chat rooms for example, on AOL or Yahoo. There are
sites like Twenties Love, Thirties Love, and so on. I personally find online con
versations with forty- and fifty-something women more enriching, because those w
omen have a lot of emotional experience, and a hell of a lot more sense of humor
than some younger chicks, but the choice is yours of course. When you feel like
doing it, invite such woman to exchange instant messages with you. And then pra
ctice every element of the conversational structure by having a nice, deep, emot
ional y meaningful online conversation with her. There are several benefits to s
uch interaction: 1. You do not have to battle nervousness; 2. You can always hav
e a justification for delaying your response, and thus can come up with the best
open ended question or best way to Reward/Relate; 3. There is no commitment; 4.
Nothing really romantic is very likely to come out of it, so there is no agenda
aside from having a good conversation; 5. You can practice one conversational e
lement at a time. You can dedicate entire conversation to Disqualification; Push
-Pull; Relating; Open-ended questions, Rewarding, and so on; 6. Getting used to
having no agenda over the Internet gives you a habit of having no agenda in a ba
r or coffee shop; 7. You can learn how to escalate very well without having a re
sponsibility of having a relationship; 8. You can become really good at exchangi
ng Internet messages with women - a very useful skill to have, especially consid
ering that phone text messaging becomes increasingly popular, and verbally it's
identical to Internet messaging; Such method of learning the conversational stru
cture will make you so good at the art of conversation that when you practice th
e Juggler Method later in a nightclub or a bookstore al the best things to say w
ill come to your mind automatically and effortlessly, and you will be able to co
mpletely focus on the nonverbal skills - and stay in the comfort zone while doin
g that. Your mastery of the conversational structure of the Juggler Method will
become your comfort zone for the practice of the nonverbal elements. In this way
, you will learn the entire method without ever feeling uncomfortable. There is
another option I would like to introduce to you. I can teach you in-depth every
conversational technique of the Juggler Method over the Internet through the ser
ies of Virtual Training sessions. Gmail is very convenient for such form of teach
ing and learning because it saves all the chats automatically and you will be ab
le to re-read every session as many times as you find necessary to ingrain each
technique into your brain. It takes about 8 hours to make all the techniques act

ive and automatic. And you won't have to leave your chair and come to New York t
o meet me. You may be in Kenya

8
and stil learn the entire conversational part of the method. Please contact me i
f you feel you might be interested in learning the Juggler Method from me via Vi
rtual Training sessions. dimitri@charismaarts.com But just in case you cannot aff
ord private coaching with me, which is quite expensive actually, in the next par
t of this book I'll provide you with the examples of my Virtual Training session
s with a private client who agreed to make those sessions public. His real name
is replaced with a pen name for privacy sake. And I know that perhaps I am under
mining my commercial success by publishing those sessions... but then again, per
haps I am not, because the personality of every client I have worked with was co
mpletely unique, and one can only get the basics from the specific challenges fa
ced by "Patrick" from the next six chapters. It is my strong belief that no matt
er how good one can be with teaching oneself from a book, nothing really can rep
lace a one-on-one coaching with a competent instructor. Yes, I consider myself v
ery competent. (Do I make it too obvious that I'm doinmg vicious marketing here?
) And yet, I would like you to judge for yourself. Please be prepared for a bit
of mental effort. So... Part II Virtual Training Chapter 7
DIMITRI: What's up? PATRICK: Shall we begin? DIMITRI: Hm, I like the way you gra
b the bull by the horns. I'm like this too. When I ride my motorcycle I never st
art in the
first gear, I always take off in the second. How often have you ridden a motorcy
cle? (This was an example of "Reward-Relate" statement + next open-ended questio
n) PATRICK: I am not as cool as you are. I have a moped - it's only 50 cc! Not v
ery exciting but it gets me around town! DIMITRI: Wow dude! Great Disqualificati
on! I knew you were a Natural in disguise! (By the way, I've just Rewarded you).
PATRICK: The fact that that was a DQ didn't occur to me till you told me it was
one! Still, I shouldn't get a big head about it! :-) DIMITRI: That was another
great Disqualification. We're getting somewhere, and we're getting there fast! A
nyway, here's the deal. Let us establish the rules. PATRICK: Dude, I am a bit co
nfused about DQ... DIMITRI: I think you are rather good at it though. You have j
ust Disqualified again! I mean, "I am a bit confused about DQ" is a DQ. :-) PATR
ICK: Okay... But what about just accepting a compliment like a confident person
by saying, simply, "Thank you" ? DIMITRI: Precisely Patrick, that's exactly what
you do. Thank you for pointing out to me that Disqualification has to begin wit
h "thank you". I tend to explain that stuff rather unsystematically... (What I j
ust did was the proper full Disqualification, beginning with "thank you", as you
had suggested!) Okay... first things first... We shall talk more about Disquali
fication in due time...
Now the rules. Please do not interrupt me for a while and just read what I am ab
out to write, okay? There is no strict format
for our dialog. I am going to say whatever comes to my mind, and I encourage you
to say whatever comes to yours. Every time I notice a specific Juggler Method c
onversational pattern that you use naturally without realizing that it belongs t
o the Juggler Method, I will point it out to you. In fact, practically everythin
g you say belongs to the Juggler Method, so all I have to do is to assign labels
so you can recognize those patterns in your own speech.I am also going to give
you certain simple tasks during our dialog. Then I will comment on how you fulfi
ll the tasks. I will also give you the examples of how I would fulfill the same
tasks - and I will point out some of my own conversational patterns - just like
I already did with the Disqualification in the beginning of our conversation. De
al? PATRICK: Okay. DIMITRI: Great. Now, you already know what open-ended questio
ns are all about. So please ask me an open-ended question. PATRICK: Okay... here
comes... What did you do at the weekend that was fun? DIMITRI: I think after we
talked on the phone last time you invested some considerable effort into practi
cing the art of asking open-ended questions... or you are just catching on very
quickly. Either way I respect that about you. It was a damn good open-ended ques
tion! PATRICK: Wow! Thank you! DIMITRI: No problem. It was sincere. And yet, it
was a Reward. I have Rewarded you. So here is my answer to your open-

9
ended question: I was in a car with a friend, we were driving through a snowstor
m. Now I want you to reward me for giving you this little bit of personal inform
ation. PATRICK: Okay. Here's my reply: "Wow, that sounds scary! You're brave!" D
IMITRI: Very good! Perfect Reward! Now I would like you to Relate to my experien
ce by sharing with me your own that is similar in some way. Wow Patrick, this is
the mama of all awkward pauses. Dude, you suck at Relating! PATRICK: LOL DIMITR
I: I am kidding, you are cool, give me a hug. What I just did is called a Push/P
ull. Please go ahead with relate part of the statement. PATRICK: I've never driv
en in a snow storm, but I once got caught out in one, on top of a mountain while
skiing in the Alps. It was really scary because I had fallen and twisted my kne
e, and my ski didn't come off. DIMITRI: Patrick, I'm really amazed at how quickl
y you are progressing. This was a wonderful Relating! I am especially glad that
you have shared your emotions: "that was scary"! It is so great you did that! It
is just what you need to do! PATRICK: Was that a Reward? DIMITRI: Well, yes, it
was, and I am glad you have pointed it out. As I've said to you before, you are
catching on very quickly. And yet I was perfectly sincere. You see, the Rewardi
ng and Relating are quite sincere things. We do those things anyway, we just usu
ally are not particularly aware of doing them. Awareness is what we work on now.
By the way, this entire dialog we are having now will be available for you on g
mail - it's automatically archived. PATRICK: Cool! DIMITRI: Ready for the second
round? PATRICK: Ready, steady, GO! DIMITRI: I really like the way you project e
motions even over the instant messenger. this is exactly the skill we work hard
to develop in our clients, and you already have that. Okay, ask me a small openended question. PATRICK: How was your day? DIMITRI: Yes, that is exactly what I
hoped to receive. Perfect question. Here's my answer: it was a very tough day. I
got into 4 arguments with 4 close friends. Now I would like to be Rewarded. PAT
RICK: How do I reward something like that?! DIMITRI: Exactly my point, you have
to be able to reward anything. This is how I would do it, please pay attention.
PATRICK: Hmm! Okay. DIMITRI: "Wow Dimitri, you are really fair to your friends!
Four friends - four arguments. No one was left out. I like that about you!" (The
last line is optional).
PATRICK: That's genius dude! I love it! I would never be able to just come up wi
th things like that! How do you think that stuff
up on the spot? DIMITRI: Hahahaha! You are funny! PATRICK: Why?! DIMITRI: Well,
just take a look. "That's genius dude! I love it!" - This was the Reward. "I wou
ld never be able to just come up with things like that!" - This was Relating thr
ough Disqualification. (Because in fact Disqualification can be used as one of t
he ways to Relate). "How do you think that stuff up on the spot?" - this was you
r next open-ended question. Cool open-ended question, too! We're definitely gett
ing somewhere. PATRICK: But I'm actually asking YOU! Not the imaginary woman! DI
MITRI: That's the whole point dude, I am teaching you how to talk to real people
! Why would I teach you to talk to imaginary women? This would be actually scary
... No, the true Juggler Method is natural, it just happens, that's what we are
practicing! And that's the answer to your question, too! PATRICK: I think I got
it! DIMITRI: I think so, too. Good boy. I knew you had it in you. I'm like that
myself: a boy genius. PATRICK: LOL! Was that a Reward/Relate thingy? DIMITRI: YE
S. PATRICK: Cool. I see what you mean now. DIMITRI: Okay. Let's wrap it up for n
ow on the high point. Here's the assignment for you. I would like you to read ou
r dialog again when you have time, just to refresh it in your mind and to see wh
at exactly we have been practicing together. Deal?

10
PATRICK: Yep! DIMITRI: Good. Same time tomorrow. PATRICK: Definitely. DIMITRI: O
ver and out. PATRICK: Ten-four.
Chapter 8
DIMITRI: Ready? PATRICK: Oh yes. DIMITRI: Question, please? PATRICK: It's really
dark out there... were you afraid of the dark when you were a kid? DIMITRI: Nop
e, it's not an open-ended question. You will get a "yes" or "no" answer to the o
ne you've asked, and that will be
the end of the conversation. My answer is "No". Rephrase it. PATRICK: When were
you most afraid of the dark when you were a kid?! DIMITRI: Aside from two "when"
in one sentence, this is something I can work with. Okay, I remember something.
I hated porridge when I was in the nursery school. One day the nurses put me in
to a dark room to force me to eat that disgusting stuff. I felt insulted because
they were stronger and could do that to me. That's the closest I got to being a
fraid of the dark. (Now I want to be Rewarded). PATRICK: Here comes. And it didn
't break you! You're a tough cookie! DIMITRI: PERFECT! Stop here, no more Reward
s. PATRICK: That's kind of sexy actually! DIMITRI: LOL! Well, you can SOI if you
want, but... for now your SOI has to contain "I", "you" and "sexy" in one sente
nce... "I find your unbreakable spirit sexy", this sort of thing. PATRICK: Yep,
I remember... DIMITRI: Okay, you're getting good at Rewarding, I want you to be
able to Relate. So before we go on with the next question, I want you to relate
to my answer - BY TELLING ME IN A VERY CONCISE WAY ABOUT YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE OF
BEING A TOUGH COOKIE - not about you not wanting to eat porridge, and not necess
arily related to your childhood. PATRICK: Okay. DIMITRI: Well? PATRICK: I'm thin
king dude! DIMITRI: WOW! I'm just kidding. Go ahead, think. I like that about yo
u. (That was a Push/Pull) PATRICK: Okay, cool - PP another time! DIMITRI: Deal.
PATRICK: One time I almost had to quit one of my Master's courses because the le
cturer was really bad - wel I did quit and then I battled the college to get the
fees back. It took months of letters and pain, but eventually the president adm
itted that the teacher wasn't qualified to teach and refunded me the fees! Jesus
, it was awful Relating. DIMITRI: You're getting really good at disqualifying yo
urself... kinda scary actually... No, your Relating wasn't bad at all. Here's a
few "routines" for you, memorize them. PATRICK: Maybe I'm just not a tough cooki
e! DIMITRI: Hey! Stop the DQ! :-) PATRICK: What?! Routines?! In JM?! I'm shocked
! DIMITRI: Yeah... Welcome to the real world... this is Daaaaark Juggler Method.
So here comes: 1. Yeah... I know exactly what you mean... 2. I'm like that, too
... 3. I can (totally, absolutely, positively, etc.) relate to that... 4. I know
where you're coming from... 5. I feel your pain... 6. Yes, it's like this with
me too... ...and so on. PATRICK: I get the idea! DIMITRI: I am sure you do! So,
there's this sentence in the middle that explains that you're about to share you
r own

11
experience... Makes the connection between Rewarding and Relating much smoother.
Makes sense so far? PATRICK: Absolutely. DIMITRI: This kind of sentence, for ex
ample: "I know just what you're talking about" follows the Reward. it becomes th
e beginning of the Relate part. PATRICK: Yes, I understand! DIMITRI: It means we
're done for today! Please make sure to re-read this dialog when you have a few
free minutes, and refresh in your mind what you have learned. Talk later! PATRIC
K: Will do! Bye! Chapter 9
PATRICK: Dimitri, you there? DIMITRI: Yep! Ready? PATRICK: Yep! DIMITRI: Shoot t
he Q. PATRICK: What is it like to live in New York? DIMITRI: It's maddening. A l
ot of work. I just had to hang up on my girlfriend because I had no time to talk
to her, and
believe you me, she's not happy about it. (Reward me). PATRICK: You are such a h
ardworking man - I respect that about you!
DIMITRI: Good. Now Relate. PATRICK: I know where you're coming from I am a stude
nt and have to study hard most of my time. DIMITRI: Good. Next question - more p
ersonal. (Make it connected to your last statement by the topic). PATRICK: Youve
mentioned your girlfriend. What do you think are the most important things to lo
ok for in a partner? DIMITRI:
This is only my opinion, I might be wrong. Things like beauty of the soul, selfsufficiency, love, reason,
adventurous spirit, idealism. IDEALISM! (R/R) PATRICK: Wow! I can see that you a
re a very deep person with very high standards. I find it really attractive! I f
eel where you re coming from - I think it s the most amazing feeling when you me
et someone who has this "beauty of the soul" that you re talking about. I met on
e of them in the Himalayas in Nepal and she was so adventurous - it was so much
fun! I m such an idealist too! If I had my way, we d all live in Heaven!
DIMITRI: Supercool. Next question. Deeper, related to one of your last topics. P
ATRICK: Really? Was that good? It feels like I m just saying what you want to he
ar, no? Is that the idea? DIMITRI: You are making me want to build rapport with
you. That s a little odd because I know what you are doing, but I do
feel much friendlier toward you because of the last exchange! So keep going. The
idea is you have to be yourself. PATRICK: What would you do if you could click
your fingers and have your ideal life just happen right now? DIMITRI: Hmmm... th
e structure of your question prompts me to say "I would click my fingers" - beca
use you could have put it better - but I know what you mean. I would be flying o
ver Atlantic Ocean in a skycar created by Dr. Moller. (R/R) And keep going witho
ut my prompting. PATRICK: That s amazing - you re such a dreamer! It all sounds
so romantic. And you have that spirit of the explorer thing going on too - I m v
ery much the same - I read a book about the Apollo Astronauts when I was 15 and
wanted to be one ever since. I dreamed about what it would be like to be walking
on the moon, looking out at the endless blackness and the crescent Earth hangin
g there... just like Jim Lovell s daydream in Apollo 13. DIMITRI: Very good. Let
s keep going QAS and escalate me until you find something sexy in what I say, t
hen I want you to SOI. PATRICK: QAS is question answer statement, yeah?
DIMITRI: But how IN BLAZES, Holmes?! PATRICK: What?! DIMITRI: Which is another w
ay of saying, yes, you got it right. QAS means question-answer-statement. Duh! P
ATRICK: Should I go deeper with a topic already talked about or go on to another
you mentioned that I haven t asked
you about yet? DIMITRI: Change the topic entirely.
PATRICK: Sorry about QAS - I only realized it was a stupid question after I sent
it... DIMITRI: Cool Disqualification. Keep going. I apologize for being a jerk.
I m like that every now and then.

12
PATRICK: Apology accepted! :-) Only joking - I deserved it! DIMITRI: Okay, so I
see I do not have to explain about the Push/Pull anymore, looks like you got it.
Took you only three days
to catch on. Just kidding, good job, keep on going. (That was a Push/Pull, too).
PATRICK: Dimitri, I take my apology back. You really are a jerk. :-)
DIMITRI: I concur. PATRICK: Im just kidding, youre a cool guy, now give me a hug!
DIMITRI: You didnt even have to say you were kidding, etc., because the smile is
already a Pull. PATRICK: Gotcha. Okay, so how did you feel when you ve been with
someone in the past who made you feel some of the
things we ve been talking about? DIMITRI: Too vague. Focus the question. Make it
more specific
PATRICK: How did you feel in the past when you were in a relationship that made
you really feel love and fulfillment? DIMITRI: This question is quite confusing
because it s a bit too long, and because the verb "feel" is used twice. Rephrase
it to
make it shorter. PATRICK: What did it feel like to be in love?
DIMITRI: YES! THAT S THE ONE! I love this question. PATRICK: But doesnt asking it
mean that I don t know the answer and therefore that I ve never been in love an
d therefore
that I m undesirable? DIMITRI: No. It means you want to know how it felt in my e
xperience. So, I was in love only once. And I felt that being in love made me su
ddenly incredibly wise. I kept it secret and somehow it made me feel like a hero
. Nothing else mattered. PATRICK: But I can t honestly relate, because I ve neve
r been in love! Make it up?
DIMITRI: You ve just related though! Only you did it in the advanced way. It is
called Anti-Relating. "I can t relate to feeling
in love because I had never been in love" is one of the most powerful ways to re
late sincerity is the key! Great job man! PATRICK: So what? Am I a genius? :-) D
IMITRI: You are, quite simply, a Natural Seducer, buddy. In the best possible se
nse of the words. PATRICK: I am laughing.
DIMITRI: Okay, break til later. Re-read the chat in your Gmail archive so you ca
n refresh what youve learned. Be cool. PATRICK: I will. You too. DIMITRI: Cant be
anything but, can I?
Chapter 10
DIMITRI: Ask me a small open-ended question, and proceed from there. PATRICK: Wh
at s your favorite kind of music? DIMITRI: It can be classical or not, but it ha
s to be ecstatic. On the other hand, now that I think of it, I love serene music
,
too. It has the other form of ecstasy in it. I guess what I m saying is I relate
to sincere emotions in music. PATRICK: Exactly! It doesn t matter whether it s
a piano concerto or a Rolling Stones concert. I love that you get it! I really k
now what you mean. Who cares if it s a Les Paul or a Steinway Concert Grand! Wha
t were you listening to the first time music made you cry? DIMITRI: I do not rem
ember the first time. I have some very vague hint of recollection, but it is alm
ost completely in the fog. I do remember listening to a singer whose voice sound
ed like my fathers. My relationship with my father at that period was somewhat co
ld, and hearing that singer s recording suddenly made me cry. PATRICK: Well it s
good to express your emotions. It s actually very courageous to be able to do t
hat. I find that real y attractive. I definitely can relate to what you re sayin
g.. at my Grand Uncle s funeral my Mother s choir sang Va Pensiero by Verdi. Eve
ry time I hear it now, I feel ...an indescribable joy and sadness at the same ti
me. DIMITRI: Your RR is very good - almost. "Well it s good to express your emot

ions. It s actually very courageous to be able to do that." would be a perfect r

eward - but you made it impersonal, as if you re talking not about me, but in ge
neral. Rephrase it to include "I" and "you". PATRICK: Wel I think it s great tha
t you can express your emotions. I think you are very courageous to be able to d
o it.
DIMITRI: Yes, that s the best! Continue. PATRICK: Am I aiming for SOI here? DIMI
TRI: If thats what you want, yes.

13
PATRICK: When was the last time you got totally lost in a book? DIMITRI: A while
ago. To be honest with you, and I feel ashamed to admit it, I rarely get lost i
n the intellectual kind of stuff.
Last time I got lost in something it was probably Harry Potter part 6. Promise n
ot to laugh. PATRICK: Sorry. I can t promise.
DIMITRI: Good Push. PATRICK: Just kidding. Come here, give me a hug! Was that a
Pull? DIMITRI: Yes! PATRICK: Good - I get it now. :-) DIMITRI: It s not the only
form of push-pull obviously; I m just giving you a primitive example, easy to u
nderstand. In most cases you don t have to do the Pull part - your smile and fri
endly vibe do it! In The Departed" Matt Damons character does it several times. Hi
s characters Push/Pull technique is not particularly subtle, and I wouldnt call th
at character an
overwhelmingly sincere guy, but when the technique is obvious, it sometimes easi
er to learn it. Anyway, lets proceed from Harry Potter 6. PATRICK: Okay. That s c
ool that you still have a little kid in you somewhere! I love that about you - s
o cute. But yeah, I know exactly what you mean, I feel bad sometimes that I can
t focus on the tough topics and yet I have no problems browsing through comic bo
oks! I enjoy them! Damn it, this doesnt bring me any closer to an SOI! DIMITRI: W
ell, you could have just said: That s cool that you still have a little kid in yo
u somewhere! I find it incredibly sexy about you! or That s cool that you still ha
ve a little kid in you somewhere! For some reason it totally turns me on now...
you better stop doing it! even though the later example strikes me as a little ch
eesy. Okay, let me give you a little more theory. There are certain obligatory q
uestions you want to ask in the beginning of the interaction. Together they are
called "information gathering ". We talked about that on the phone remember? PAT
RICK: Yes, you told me two or three before - any more?
DIMITRI: "Who are you here with?"
"How do you guys know each other?" "What are your plans for later tonight?" "Wha
t s your relationship situation?" "How early do you have to wake up tomorrow?" "
Who s driving you home?" "How far do you live?" etc. This sort of questions. Whe
n you begin the interaction, you have a choice. You can make small talk, or make
something that seems like smal talk but helps you to figure out the social situ
ation. Obviously the latter is better. That s why all the information gathering qu
estions information must be asked very early in the interaction - instead of say
ing things like "How do you like this bar?" and "What s the best thing about liv
ing in New York?" So - ASK THOSE QUESTIONS! PATRICK: Good point. I get it
DIMITRI: Thats it for now. Youre making incredibly rapid progress. I really like t
hat about you. PATRICK: Thanks, but you never know, I might slow down as rapidly
. DIMITRI: Shut up. :-) (Push/Pull) Okay, you better get some rest and re-read t
his dialog later. Bye. PATRICK: I will. Bye!
Chapter 11
PATRICK: Any tips on how to ask better questions? DIMITRI: Yours are very good.
PATRICK: Specifically opening questions? DIMITRI: How about "What s your name?"
- "Who are you here with?" - "What are you plans for later tonight?" - "Who s
driving you home?" PATRICK: Hi, I m Patrick, what s your name? DIMITRI: I m Dimi
tri, pleasure meeting you! REWARD ME!
PATRICK: What? You haven t answered yet? I didn t receive your answer. DIMITRI: I
m Dimitri, pleasure meeting you! - That s the answer to your question: "What s y
our name?" REWARD ME! PATRICK: It s great to meet you too - I like your friendly
vibe!

14
DIMITRI: Bril iant. You did the reverse structure: Relate/Reward - but it s perf
ectly fine. Now begin gathering information:
"Who are you here with? - etc. PATRICK: So who are you here with, Dimitri?
DIMITRI: Good. I m actually on my own here. REWARD/RELATE! PATRICK: That s cool
no let me change that. I think it s great that you feel comfortable enough with
yourself to hang out
on your own - so many people don t - but I guess you re just a confident person.
I like that about you - I find it sexy actually :-) DIMITRI: Good! RELATE! (Tal
k about your self-reliance, not in a bar).
PATRICK: I know where you re coming from... sometimes I find it refreshing to ju
st get away from the group - and go out
exploring on your own. I went backpacking around the world on my own for that ve
ry reason! DIMITRI: Perfect. Now Push/Pull me in any way you want. Just for the
heck of it!
PATRICK: I bet you re really arrogant too - confident people are like that somet
imes... DIMITRI: Very good! Great Push. Now how would you Pull me? PATRICK: :-)
? DIMITRI: Yes, exactly smile is a Pull. Now Disqualify. PATRICK: Actually, ther
e were times when I felt really lonely and so not confident when I was traveling
alone that I would
just sit in a
talk to some
onversational
PATRICK: Yeah
an example I
a client.

bar on my own and drink and wish I could work up the courage to go
of the other backpackers there... DIMITRI: Great. Here s another c
structure for you: placing Sexual Barriers.
- that s after the SOI, right? DIMITRI: Yes it is! Let me give you
heard from one of my instructors during the Charm School I took as

Its a little too by the book, but it is simple, and therefore good for our purposes
: "I wish I could cover your whole body with kisses... but we re in a bar and yo
ur friends are staring..." I would like you to use this example as a model and g
ive me your own, totally original version of the Sexual Barrier. PATRICK: I feel
so connected to you right now - I just want to grab you and kiss the hel out of
you, but may be we shouldn t - we re in a public venue - it wouldnt be very appr
opriate. DIMITRI: Dude, you rock! Okay, I m outta here. Bye! PATRICK: Okay, than
ks amigo! :-) Chapter 12
PATRICK: Good day my friend! What s the story? DIMITRI: Fixing a wrecked bike. P
ATRICK: You re a mechanic, too? A multi-talented person! I can t real y relate t
o that - I m not particularly amazing at
anything. Can I combine DQ with relate like that? DIMITRI: Yes you can. You may
also add something along these lines: I like that a lot about you (Or rephrase it
in any way you want). It is important to focus the reward by making your feelin
gs very clear. PATRICK: Yeah - I was too vague.
DIMITRI: For example, you met my friend Rob Overman, right? PATRICK: Man, that g
uy is a lion in the field. DIMITRI: Agreed. So Robs It tells me a lot about your p
ersonality" - focuses the reward in a subtle way.
Keep going, next question.
PATRICK: What s your relationship situation? DIMITRI: I love this question! PATR
ICK: I can tel ! DIMITRI: Well, I share the apartment with my lover, and I try t
o be loyal to her, I really do, only it doesnt work. I have an onand-off relationship with another woman, and something tells me this second rela
tionship is about to be over soon. I am also courting a young and very innocent
Russian girl, and I have no idea where this will take me, but I want to explore
it because I like her. My romantic life is a mess. PATRICK: Wow! Well, it certai

nly seems like you have an exciting love life - you re adventurous and like to e
xplore sexuality I find that very sexy about you. I feel the same - as far as my
desires are concerned, but I again, I can t really relate

15
because I don t have multiple lovers! DIMITRI: Okay Patrick, lets stop for a mome
nt. You did everything perfectly well, including the SOI, only I would like you
to be able to create longer escalation so you can really connect through emotion
s before you make you SOI. So let me explain something to you. PATRICK: I m all
ears.
DIMITRI: Great. So, escalation -PATRICK: I mean, eyes. DIMITRI: HmEscalation has
two important aspects, and both of those aspects have something to do with emoti
ons. Or may be I should say Escalation has quite a few important aspects, but ou
t of al of them we are going to consider only two
now. One of them is Relating to her emotions by telling her about your experienc
e of the same emotions. The second aspect of the escalation is a little trickier
. PATRICK: Ok, what is it?
DIMITRI: A woman makes a decision to have sex with a man based on certain emotio
ns she experiences. These emotions
are the obligatory condition for her to make that choice. If she does not experi
ence certain specific motions, sex is not likely to happen. Are you with me so f
ar? PATRICK: Yes. DIMITRI: So the conclusion is this. If you want a woman to hav
e sex with you, you must give her the emotions you want her to experience, in a
certain sequence. You must hand her these emotions on a platter. PATRICK: Ah...
How do I do that? And what is the sequence? DIMITRI: Well, there are several cha
nnels for transferring the emotional states. (By the way, a lot of this material
comes from my friend Javier, who is a great dancer and a great expert in psycho
logy). I explain about some of the state-inducing channels during my private coa
ching sessions. Unfortunately, I would not be able to teach you these techniques
very well in this chat, because I would have to show you how I do that. But to
give you an example of such channels, you can convey the emotion via the tone of
your voice, or through your body language.
PATRICK: I think I understand what you mean. But how would I convey excitement t
o a woman if I m not really excited fake it?
DIMITRI: If you must - yes. FAKE IT! Let me explain about faking it. God is perf
ect, human beings are not. No matter how
hard you try, you cannot be 100 percent successful in anything. You may be 95 pe
rcent successful, but there will always be a little bit of failure in each of yo
ur success. Don t ever beat yourself up if you are 95 percent sincere because it
s the maximum you can achieve. PATRICK: Okay, point taken.
DIMITRI: And you shouldnt beat yourself up either if you re 35 percent sincere (u
sually referred as "faking it") - because we
all have good days and bad days. Well?
PATRICK: What?! DIMITRI: This was the MAJOR bit of wisdom, wasnt it? PATRICK: Whi
ch part? I am lost. DIMITRI: Forget it. No more questions, back to the lesson. P
ATRICK: Ah yes. This thing that you said about being 35 percent sincere and not
beating myself up I really liked it about
you. It told me a lot about your personality! DIMITRI: Too late, dude. Were now e
nemies forever. Anyway, you must give to a woman certain emotions in a certain s
equence. Right now, being on the Instant Messenger, we re only dealing with "How
to give her those emotions through words" - separate from the tone of voice and
body language. There are 4 ways of doing that 1. Direct question; 2. Indirect q
uestion; 3. Direct statement; 4. Indirect statement. Examples of giving her the
emotion of freedom: 1. Direct question: "When was the last time you felt perfect
ly free?" 2. Indirect question: "What was the last time something was so funny t
hat you couldn t suppress your laughter and didnt care if anyone was listening?

16
3.Direct statement: "I feel free every time I breathe fresh air, because it remi
nds me that I quit smoking and am now free from the addiction! Its a big thing fo
r me!" 4. Indirect statement: I feel great riding my motorcycle as fast as I can
along the empty highway, not caring about anything in the whole world!" Now - wh
at would you like to ask me about the techniques I ve just described?
PATRICK: What is the difference between direct and indirect? DIMITRI: You ask de
ep questions, my young disciple. In this case the difference is that when you ar
e being indirect you DO
NOT NAME the emotion you re giving to a woman. Instead, you describe how this em
otion feels, without naming it. For example, instead of saying "I feel free", yo
u describe freedom in some specific details. That s why I personally like indire
ct statements better. All 4 ways of conveying emotions are good, and yet I perso
nally prefer DIRECT questions and INDIRECT statements. Also known as general que
stions and specific statements. PATRICK: Why direct questions?
DIMITRI: Because if you ask her "In what situation did you feel the most relaxed
?" - she has a great choice of situations to
choose from as opposed to "How often do you take your time enjoying the hot tub?
" But its my personal choice, you might like indirect questions better - I know m
any guys who are good with indirect questions. PATRICK: Right - seems a little a
dvanced for me at this stage - I m still struggling with coming up with any ques
tion at all! DIMITRI: Good Disqualification! So, what emotions do we need to con
vey to a beautiful female stranger in order to have sex with her? Let me put you
through a little Socratic questioning here. PATRICK: Okay.
DIMITRI: So do you think a woman is more likely to have sex with you when she fe
els safe - or when she freaks out because
she finds you creeeeeeepy? PATRICK: The former I believe!
DIMITRI: Cool. So ask me a direct open-ended question that would make me feel sa
fe. PATRICK: When was the last time you felt really, totally safe and protected?
DIMITRI: Good. This was rather simple, wasnt it? Now ask me the INDIRECT questio
n about the same emotion. PATRICK: So I just try to describe the emotion of safe
ty without actually saying the word safe? DIMITRI: Yes, thats what you do. PATRIC
K: When was the last time you felt like you completely forgot about all the pres
sures of the world - your job, traffic,
kids, deadlines - all that stuff and just felt totally liberated and free? Oops,
liberated and free is kinda the same thing. DIMITRI: Yep, and even though the q
uestion itself was very good, but it was a) Direct and b) About the emotion of f
reedom not about safety. PATRICK:Yeah, that was dumb!
DIMITRI: Good Disqualification. PATRICK: How did you feel when you were in the w
omb? DIMITRI: Patrick, I believe you have just demonstrated the quality of a gen
ius. Now make the direct statement along the
lines of "I usually feel safe when PATRICK: I feel so safe when I m in the arms o
f someone who I care about - I think it s a wonderful feeling.
DIMITRI: Perfect. Now indirect statement along the lines of: "Yeah, I know what
you mean. That s how I feel when I curl up in
a ball in bed with a good book" (Followed by... "So... what do you like to do in
bed?") PATRICK: LOL!
DIMITRI: That was Rob s style. Very contagious. PATRICK: Yeah, it s such a sweet
feeling - I know why you like it. I love to just climb into bed and feel warm a
nd listen to the
wind blowing the rain against the window. Sometimes my cat jumps up on the bed a
nd starts purring in my ear! DIMITRI: BRILLIANT! So, she feels safe now. But the
re s safety - and safety. What would you choose - that she feels safe because sh

e has karate black belt 12th level and can tear you in half with her bare hands
- or because she feels friendly toward you? PATRICK: The latter - what s your po
int?!
DIMITRI: My point is, friendly is a good emotion to hand to her. Direct question,
please? PATRICK: What do you like to do with your best friend when you guys hang
out? DIMITRI: Very good! Now indirect question. PATRICK: Wasn t that indirect it didn t mention "friendship"?

17
DIMITRI: Well, okay, it was semi-direct. Now give me total y indirect one along
these lines: "When was the first time you
realized you wanted to give random gifts of kindness to people around you?" PATR
ICK: When did you realize that you wanted to do volunteer work just to help peop
le for the sake of helping them?
DIMITRI: Yes. Or you might ask it like this: "When did you get the closest to vo
lunteering, etc. - just in case she never
actually volunteered. Now give me direct statement. PATRICK: I feel great when I
m with friends, just hanging out, relaxing and having fun and laughing.
DIMITRI: Yes. Now indirect. PATRICK: I love spending time with people who care a
bout me and who really get who I am at the deepest level. DIMITRI: You got it. I
think you get the idea of how you can make a woman experience certain emotion t
hrough words, so now let s just run through the list of needed emotions very qui
ckly. It doesnt matter if its noun or adjective now. Comfort. PATRICK: Excitement
fun humor desire fulfillment - pleasure DIMTIRI: - adventurous risky- naughty - c
urious PATRICK: - relaxed DIMITRI: In he beginning, yes, but not all the time. E
ventually you want her to feel tense in a certain way freedom PATRICK: - loss of
inhibitions DIMITRI: - thrilled - irresponsible PATRICK: - exhilarated DIMITRI:
- intoxicated with you - in love - desperately craving pleasure (give her a can
dy and take away at the last
moment; then 5 minutes later be about to kiss her - and pull back at the last mo
ment, then later well, you know... and so on) PATRICK: - joy, relief -DIMITRI: N
o, definitely not relief sexual tension aroused - horny PATRICK: - madly horny D
IMITRI: - cock-hungry -PATRICK: LOL! Cock-hungry! DIMITRI: And so on. Okay, you
get the idea. That was Escalation. Do that to a girl and she wont find herself ca
pable of
saying no. All right then, gotta go. Talk tomorrow. PATRICK: Definitely! Thanks ma
n!
DIMITRI: No problem. Make sure to re-read this chat when you have a few minutes.
This ends Part II of this book. dimitri@charismaarts.com Part III Effortless Cou
rtship Chapter 13 There is a man who in his early adolescence has made an uncons
cious decision to avoid women. Having avoided women for a certain period of time
, he naturally begins to feel deprived of sexual relief and female companionship
. Because he is deprived of those two things, he begins to crave them desperatel
y. The desperate cravings for sexual relief and female companionship motivates h
im to approach a woman. The woman flees the man because he, in his desperation,
has come across as a potential aggressor and has sabotaged himself. At the time
when the woman escapes him, he feels much more desperate than before he approach
ed her. Because the woman s escape and the feeling of extreme despair coincide i
n time, the man s mind connects the two, and he begins to believe he feels despe
rate because this particular woman has "rejected" him. Immediately after the wom
an is gone, the man feels considerably better. The absence of the woman and the
feeling of calm coincide in time, and the man s mind connects the two: he begins
to believe that he feels good when he does not approach women and feels bad whe
n he approaches them. His earlier choice to avoid women is reinforced by what he
wrongly perceives as objective experience. So the man avoids women for some mor
e time. However, his cravings for sexual relief and female companionship have no
t been satisfied, and they continues to grow, until the man builds up a strong m
otivation to approach a woman again.

18
This time he is more tentative, and simultaneously more aggressive due to his ea
rlier negative experience, and of course his desperation scares the new woman aw
ay. The chain continues, and all the while the man s cravings for sexual relief
and female companionship becomes exponentially stronger. The man suffers. Millio
ns of such men spend their entire lives in misery, and believing that their mise
ry is the inevitable part of life. And millions of women live in the fear of men
. The chain of self-reinforcing despair keeps those people in psychological slav
ery. This chain must be broken. Chapter 14 One of the most crucial reasons why t
he chain of despair continues to exist is the notion of a man as a taker. Women
are conditioned to think of men in this way despite the overwhelming evidence to
the contrary and, more importantly, it is also men s attitude toward themselves
. A man thinks that a woman has something he needs and that he must get it from
her. A woman thinks that she has something a man needs and that he would inevita
ble try to take it away from her. The behavior of a man who considers himself as
a taker reinforces the wrong belief in a woman s mind. He is aggressive and gre
edy. She doesn t want anything taken away from her and immediately becomes defen
sive, reinforcing in a man the belief that she indeed must have something that h
e needs, so he must invest more effort into getting it. He becomes even more agg
ressive and greedy. Greed breeds greed, and no one wins. The notion of a man as
a taker is wrong and useless. It must be eliminated and replaced by the opposite
notion: men must see themselves as generous, joyful givers. "I have something a
woman craves. I am generously and joyfully giving it to her". Generosity breeds
generosity. Man s self-perception as a taker is frightening to a woman. Man s s
elf-perception as a giver is attractive to a woman. It makes her see herself as
a giver, too. Both sides win. When I say that a man has something a woman craves
, and he generously and joyfully gives it to her, I mean two things. A man gives
to a woman the feeling of sexual relief, which she craves from a man much more
intensely than a man craves it from her. And - much more importantly! - a man gi
ves to a woman the joy of male companionship, which she craves as intensely as t
he man craves the female companionship from a woman. You might ask: what about t
hose men and women who only want sex from each other? My answer is this: it neve
r happens. If there were men and women who only wanted sexual relief, they could
achieve it in perfect solitude by pleasing themselves. And in many cases men an
d women are much better at giving themselves sexual relief than any of the partn
ers they could have. There s no such thing as "just sex". It s always a combinat
ion - in various proportions - of sexual relief and the feeling of companionship
with the person of the opposite gender. Somehow a man has what a woman craves a
nd a woman has what a man craves - and by giving those things to each other we b
ecome complete. Chapter 15 A woman craves two things from a man. 1. She craves t
o be appreciated as a woman. 2. She craves to be appreciated as a person. In a w
oman s mind, the two things are inseparable and support one another. That s why
being appreciated as a woman makes her feel better appreciated as a person, and
being appreciated as a person makes her feel more completely appreciated as a wo
man. So when a man gives himself to a woman, he must do it with the purpose of s
atisfying her most fundamental cravings: he must make her feel good as a woman a
nd make her feel good as a person. Everything related to giving a woman the feel
ing of sexual relief makes her feel appreciated as a woman. Everything related t
o giving a woman the male companionship makes her feel appreciated as a person.
I can say it in many different ways, but they all mean the same thing.

19
A woman craves to feel appreciated for being sexual and for who she really is. S
he craves to be liked for her body and for her soul. She craves a man to make he
r body and her soul feel good. Give a woman what she craves and she will give he
rself to you. Chapter 16 If you want to connect with a woman, you must make her
feel appreciated as a woman and as a person. It s essential to give her strong f
eeling that you like her body AND her soul. To rephrase it, you must make a woma
n feel LOVED and RESPECTED. And there s more to it! It s equally essential that
she makes you feel appreciated as a man and as a person. You must feel confident
that she likes your body AND your soul. You should stay with a woman only if sh
e LOVES and RESPECTS you. It is very simple, isn t it? If you make her body and
soul feel good and she makes your body and soul feel good, the two of you connec
t on two levels: physical and spiritual. When I say things like "soul" and "spir
itual" I do not mean that you and her must belong to a fanatical, radical sect i
n order to be together. Not at all. In fact, you do not even have to be religiou
s. By "spiritual" I mean "everything that is there but you cannot touch it": tho
ughts, hopes, dreams, emotions - things that are quite real but not physical. "S
piritual" is the best word I know to characterize those things. Call it "inner w
orld" if you like. Here s what happens when either physical or spiritual side or
the relationship is neglected. If you and a woman make each other feel apprecia
ted as human beings but by mutual agreement ignore each other s bodies, you migh
t end up being true friends, but even the friendship in many cases might never b
e complete because of the lack of physical intimacy. And when forced to make a c
hoice, either you or her might prefer a lover s interests over those of a friend
. If both of you admire each other spiritually, but only one of you makes the ot
her feel physically appreciated, the person whose body is neglected suffers the
pangs of unrequited love. It s often referred to as "just friends" situation. In
fact, of course, it has very little to do with friendship, because the true fri
endship must be always fair. If you tell a woman you like her body, and at the s
ame time make her feel ignored as a person, you re not very likely to have sex w
ith her. Period. Most women - even the ones who might only be interested in a on
e-night stand with you - deeply RESENT being used for sex. It makes them see the
mselves as sexually desperate and destroys their self-respect. Make a woman feel
like a nonentity, and it s good-bye. On the other hand, even if by an accident
you do "score" the impersonal sex with a woman (which might happen if she is
very drunk, sexually desperate, on the peak of her ovulation, or simply likes yo
u for your looks) - such "victory" would not do
much good for you. Because in such situation YOU would be the one who feels used
. You would feel like a male slut. It s an awful feeling which can ruin your sel
f-respect and may even cause impotence. If you have sex with a woman without hav
ing true heart-to-heart connection with her, I wouldn t even cal it sex. You wou
ld miss out on the emotional intimacy, which is exactly what makes sex so unique
ly pleasurable. After such miserable experience you would feel more frustrated a
nd sexually anxious than before. Trust me. What you want is the opposite: the ma
rvelous feeling of being in charge of your life and in charge of your relationsh
ip with a woman of your choice. You want to feel respected and loved. That s why
it s absolutely necessary to make a woman feel appreciated as a sexual being AN
D as a spiritual being, and that s why it is equally necessary that she apprecia
tes you as a sexual AND spiritual being as well. Now I m going to tell you somet
hing very obvious. To make a woman feel appreciated as a sexual and spiritual be
ing you must FIND OUT who she is as a sexual and spiritual being. To give a woma
n a chance to appreciate you as a sexual and spiritual being you must help her t
o FIND OUT who you are as a sexual and spiritual being. How do you find out who
she is sexually and spiritually, and how do you help her to find out who you are
sexually and spiritually? Both things are very simple. I will tell you about th
em in detail in one of the following chapters. Chapter 17 Here s another very po
werful reason for finding out as much as possible - and as quickly as possible!
- about a woman you are facing: you do not want to get yourself into a relations
hip with a wrong woman.

20
You must not spend more time with such woman than it s necessary for figuring ou
t she would be wrong for you. I am not trying to intrude upon your choice of a r
omantic partner, I m not telling you who to choose. But I am telling you that yo
u indeed must choose. It s crucial to be the chooser, it s crucial to be selecti
ve about who you let into your life. If you and a woman are not mutually compati
ble as both sexual and spiritual beings, then she is not the right woman for you
and you are not the right man for her. You ll be better off staying away from e
ach other, to avoid inevitable heartbreak and waste of precious months or possib
ly years of your lives. By sticking around the wrong woman you would deprive you
rself of the chance of meeting your true love, and deprive that fantastic woman,
your beloved - who might be right around the corner - of meeting you. Of course
, even if there is such thing as perfection in the universe, it s very rare. Obv
iously you do not discard someone because their eyes are not of that particular
hue of hazel or gray that you had dreamed of as a teenager. Use your common sens
e. But if your intuition tells you that something is not right - trust your intu
ition and immediately bring the issue out in the open. No compromises. There s t
ragic irony in the fact that people stuck in a corrupt relationship tend to deny
their unhappiness at any given moment. They get so good at denial they are not
even consciously aware of their frustration most of the time. They hope that the
situation would somehow change, they do nothing to change it, and in the meanti
me they get entangled in the emotional mess. Years and sometimes decades later s
omething suddenly jolts them into awakening, and they have to deal with the horr
ifying realization of their irreparably wrecked destinies. It s the "butterfly e
ffect", when a single wrong step would lead to a chain of consequences that migh
t turn your life in a very undesirable direction. And at the moment of taking th
at first step you wouldn t even be conscious where that path might take you in t
he end. That s why when you experience strong sexual attraction to a woman you m
ust FIND OUT who she is as a person, and figure out what kind of a relationship
you want to have with her, before acting on the impulse. Chapter 18 How do you g
reet a woman? You say "Hello". Or "Hi!" Or "Hey!" Or "How do you do?" - if you r
e in Great Britain. Or "Happy birthday!" - if you re a guest at her birthday par
ty. Or "How do you know our host?" - if she is a guest like yourself. Or you may
say nothing at all and just salute her with the glass of wine or water in your
hand. Or wave at her. Or just smile. Or stop smiling if you were smiling. Or nod
. Or wink. Or tilt your head and rise your eyebrows, looking at her. Or take off
your hat, place it against your heart, and bow. Or close and open your eyes. Or
give her a soft playful version of the military salute. Or touch the outside of
her upper arm lightly with the back of your hand and hold it there for a moment
.
ANYTHING CAN SERVE AS A GREETING.
You can greet a woman in a foreign language. Or even in gibberish. Or in a sign
language. Or you can throw a paper
airplane at her. Or write a note and hand it to her. Or light her cigarette if y
ou are both smokers. Or explain to her why and
how she needs to quit, in a non-patronizing way. Or hand her something she had d
ropped. Or hand her something she hadn t dropped but you presume she did. Or ask
her anything - time, directions, her name. Or notice something unique about her
- the way she looks or behaves, or it could be even the smell of her perfume then free-associate on what you have noticed, and make a poetic comment or a com
ical misinterpretation. For example if she wears something that looks like leopa
rd skin, ask her how was the safari. Or give her an instant nickname and greet h
er with it: "Hey Squirrel!" Or figure out form her body language or form the sit
uation what she feels or what she thinks about, and make a comment on that. Or o
n the weather. Or show her the cover of the book you re reading. Or if you want
to approach a woman in a bookstore, notice what section of the bookstore she s i
n, and ask her the simplest question about the theme of that section. If you and
she are in "Cooking", ask her: "What do you think about cooking?" If she is in

poetry, ask her: "What do you like about poetry?" If she is in "Self-Improvement
", ask her "How do you think I can improve myself?" Or tell her about the great
book you ve discovered in that store and recommend to read. Treat the entire wor
ld as a bookstore. Notice what "section" of that universal bookstore you ve met
her in, and ask her a question about the theme of that section. Share the "book"
you ve found on the "universal shelf". You are that book. Or erase all the thou
ghts completely from your mind before approaching her - make it absolutely blank
- and when you re already facing her, say the very first thing that comes to yo
ur mind. Whatever you say is going to be good. Or go bold and tell her calmly an
d confidently that you find her extremely interesting as a woman and would like
to find

21
out more about her as a person - and ask her to give you a few minutes for a con
versation. (If she is busy, tell her you d like to be able to speak with her som
e other time when she finds it convenient, and that you d like her to give you h
er phone number.) There are countless ways to greet a woman, and the particulars
are absolutely irrelevant. If you understand the essence of the greeting, you l
l be able to come up with the best situation-specific greeting every time you ne
ed one. The essence of the greeting, its core principle is this:
GREETING IS THE EXPRESSION OF YOUR WISH TO COMMUNICATE.
Whatever the situation, all you need to do is to express your wish to communicat
e with a woman in any way you find suitable. No matter what you say or do, the s
ubtext of the greeting, the information you transmit is always the same: "I WANT
TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU". Any other information contained in your greeting eith
er won t register by her mind at all, or may actually interfere with her ability
to understand the most important part of your message: "I WANT TO COMMUNICATE W
ITH YOU". That s why I would not recommend to greet a woman with anything too sm
art or too complicated. You re a stranger to her yet, and you don t want to conf
use her. Keep it simple. Do not try to be too creative. Other than that, any gre
eting would do the job, because no matter what you say or do, the only thing you
actually say to a woman when you greet her is this: "I WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH
YOU". You may even start speaking with her without any greeting. Chapter 19 Som
etimes after you greet a woman you must change the subject. It s necessary if yo
u ve greeted a woman with anything that is not directly related to who she is or
who you are. Let me explain. For example, if you greet a woman in a travel sect
ion of a bookstore with a question "What do you think of Indonesia?" you do not
want to get stuck in the topic of Indonesia or even travel, because the question
you ve asked was only a humorous excuse for talking with her. A woman knows imm
ediately that asking her opinion of Indonesia you in fact expressed your wish to
communicate. She knows you ve approached her to give her your warmth and kindne
ss, and that foreign countries have very little to do with it. So do not deceive
her expectations, and after a brief exchange of small talk boldly change the su
bject. There are two subjects you want to talk about. 1. Who she is as a woman a
nd as a person. 2. Who you are as a man and as a person. Whatever you talk about
, it s about you and her. Chapter 20 You need to find out who she is as a woman
and as a person, so you can make her feel loved and respected, and so you can be
confident that she is the right woman for you. How do you find out who she is?
You learn to be curious about who she is as a woman and as a person. You ask her
to tell you and to show you who she is. You listen and watch. You do your best
to understand. You also need to help a woman to find out who you are as a man an
d as a person, so she can make you feel loved and respected, and so she can be c
onfident that you are the right man for her. How do you help her to find out who
you are? You help her to become curious about who you are as a man and as a per
son. You tell her and show her who you are. You do your best to be understood. T
he biggest secret of effective, effortless courtship is this: CURIOSITY Remember
this: CURIOSITY is the fundamental principle of the human mating dance. When yo
u MASTER THE POWER OF CURIOSITY you will achieve the absolute mastery of courtsh
ip. Later I will explain what I mean. You have probably noticed a few subtleties
in the above paragraphs. Those subtleties are not accidental. I choose my words
very carefully. I say "you learn to be curious about who she is" instead of "yo
u become curious about who she is". I say "you help a woman to find out who you
are" instead of "you let her know who you are". I also say "you help her to beco
me curious about who you are" instead of "you make her curious about who you are
". Why do I need to be so precise? I say "you learn to be curious about who she
is" because even though curiosity is a natural function of the human mind,

22
people - especially men - are mostly curious about the possible effects of the o
utside circumstances on their own lives. Curiosity about OTHER PEOPLE is often a
new skill that needs to be learned. I say "you help a woman to find out who you
are" because she must invest her effort in finding out who you are. If you simp
ly make the information available to her, she might not be interested in process
ing that information. I say "you help her to become curious about who you are" b
ecause, as a human being, she has the right to choose what she wants, and saying
"you make her curious" would imply a certain degree of psychological manipulati
on, which in courtship should be avoided when possible. You want to be curious a
bout who she is. You want her to be curious about who you are. How can these two
things be achieved? Let s begin with helping her to get curious about you - bec
ause it s easier. Imagine a man unskilled in courtship. When such man meets a wo
man he likes, he thinks - mistakenly - than in order to attract that woman he mu
st impress her. So he begins to brag desperately, trying to tell her as quickly
as he can everything he believes she might find interesting about him. He talks
non-stop, and quickly buries the woman under a huge heap of unsolicited personal
information. She is bored. Even if that woman is polite enough to continue the
conversation with the ungraceful man a little longer, there s not much else he c
an speak with her about. He is not curious about who she is. And since he has al
ready told her everything he finds interesting about himself, the rest of what h
e speaks about can only make her feel even more bored. Little by little the conv
ersation peters out. Finally she finds an excuse to leave - and never comes back
. With you it s going to be very different. Here s what you must do:
A) FIND OUT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE ABOUT HER; B) REVEAL AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE ABOUT
YOURSELF.
It might seem to you that the second part contradicts the requirement of helping
a woman to find out who you are. In fact, it doesn t. Because you help a woman
to find out more about you precisely by revealing as little as possible about wh
o you are. Let me explain to you the meaning of this apparent paradox. It has so
mething to do with the simple nature of CURIOSITY. We can only be curious about
something we know a little about. We are not curious about things that are compl
etely familiar, neither are we curious about things which we know nothing about
- because having no knowledge about those things, we are not even aware of their
existence. Think of what you ve read two paragraphs above. "Find out as much as
possible about her" means your curiosity about her. "Reveal as little as possib
le about yourself" is the best way to motivate her curiosity about you. It s goo
d to be a little mysterious when you talk with a woman. It makes her WANT to fin
d out more about you. Of course I don t mean that you must behave in the exagger
atedly enigmatic manner, or that you should refuse answering her questions at al
l cost. That would be a ridiculous pretense. What I mean is this: you tell her o
nly things that absolutely must be told now, and keep the rest for later. It can
be best described as the Three Principles of Personal Storytelling: 1. When you
talk about yourself, be concise; 2. Begin with the most boring things; graduall
y progress to reveal increasingly more interesting ones; keep the facts you find
truly fascinating about yourself for as much later as you can; 3. Tell your sto
ries one small bit at a time. I shall elaborate on each of the three principles.
WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF, BE CONCISE. Don t get entangled in a net of unnece
ssary, irrelevant details. Think
what you want to say before you say it, and let only the most essential things c
ome out of your mouth. Provide two or three sharp, bright details that best char
acterize the situation you are describing. The rest would be redundant - and bor
ing.
BEGIN WITH THE MOST BORING THINGS; GRADUALLY PROGRESS TO REVEAL INCREASINGLY MOR
E INTERESTING ONES; KEEP THE FACTS YOU FIND TRULY FASCINATING ABOUT YOURSELF FOR
AS MUCH LATER AS YOU CAN. Men who don t know
the art of courtship try to entertain and to be spectacular. Women are so used t

o it that they find it tedious, and simply do not believe such men s tales. A ma
n who does not brag, and who is not afraid to talk about boring topics is rare.
A women is not used to having such a man around, so a man who begins the convers
ation by speaking of boring subjects becomes interesting - effortlessly. Women a
lso know very well that unwise and insincere men tend to present their best side
s early in the courtship, only to turn horribly disappointing soon afterwards. A
man who does not do anything to impress a woman is much more impressive to a wo
man, because she finds him genuine. Additionally, a man who appears average when
he meets a woman, and then blossoms unexpectedly into a rare flower,

23
creates the much more powerful impression.
TELL YOUR STORIES ONE SMALL BIT AT A TIME. Don t force your entire narrative upo
n a woman. Instead, say what can
be said in one short sentence, then shut up, and check her reaction. If she want
s you to continue telling your story, do so. If you as much as suspect that she
doesn t, change the subject immediately or - better! - use this opportunity to f
ind out more about her. Because finding out about her is more important for the
purposes of courtship than finishing your story. You will be able to finish that
story later, when you are already a couple. On the other hand, if you choose to
finish the story against her will, you might never become a couple. What is mor
e important to you? You are the one who makes the choice. Keep in mind that givi
ng the information one small bit at a time is what makes any story interesting.
And you must deliver those bits in such way that a woman realizes that you only
show her the "tip of the iceberg". Delivering a bit of information in a way that
shows that there s more to it, and then cutting it off, is what motivates a wom
an s curiosity. By following the Three Principles of Personal Storytelling you h
elp a woman to become curious about you, and thus you help her to find out who y
ou are. What about your curiosity? It s very similar to the curiosity you motiva
te in her. Only the process is reversed.
This time around it s your job to discover little unique things about a woman yo
u are interested in. Those things are the smal
bits of information that would motivate your curiosity about her. You might disc
over those unique things in something she says or does, or even in something she
wears. In the tone of her voice. In the tiniest subtlety of her expression. In
her posture. In the hint of a smile hiding in the corner of her mouth. It is you
r task to pay closest attention to details, and to be able to recognize the litt
le unique things that disguise huge revelations. Than you should ask her questio
ns about those unique things. When you ask a woman about her experiences, make i
t easy for her not only to tel you who she is, but to show it to you. And when y
ou share your experiences with a woman, use both verbal and nonverbal means of c
ommunication. Tell and show. Do not go over the top with the demonstrations, tho
ugh. Use common sense. To be understood by a woman, you must make an effort of s
peaking very clearly and audibly. To understand what she tells you, you must lis
ten attentively, and ask her to repeat what she had said to you in case you susp
ect you might have misunderstood her words. dimitri@charismaarts.com Part IV Lov
e Chapter 21 What is love? I bet you expect me to utter a love-cannot-be-defined
kind of platitude, but I actually do have the answer. In fact, I have more than
one, and I find each of them to be true. Not being a Christian, I however do ve
ry much like the famous, phenomenologically pure description of love provided by
Paul the Apostle in his First Epistle to the Corinthians. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itsel
f, is not puffed up; 5 Does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not pro
voked, thinks no evil; 6 Does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth
; 7 Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. <...> Love suffers long, and is kind. Love never fails. Tho
se lines remain in my mind, they have staying power. I would like to believe tha
t the man who wrote those lines was writing them as he experienced love. I quote
d those passages from the Gideons Bible I found in my hotel room. I do not have
the Symposium by Plato at hand where I am now, so I will have to quote it by hea
rt, and yet I think I remember the necessary passage correctly. In that philosop
hical dialog Socrates defines love as the "desire to give birth into beauty". I
would like to give you my interpretation of that definition. Notice how importan
t the beauty is. Even on the most materialistic level a man seeks physical beaut
y in a woman he wishes to impregnate! A woman seeks beauty in the man she wants
to be with - only for her the beauty of his body may be secondary, and the beaut
y of his action takes the first place. She wants to bring a child into a beautif
ul world - the place where she lives and where her child will live must be beaut

iful.

24
As we become more mature and our perception of beauty deepens and becomes less m
aterialistic, we eventually realize that the beauty of a human being is differen
t from that of an inanimate object. A beauty of a piece of furniture, of an auto
mobile, of nature as a whole is defined by their physical appearance as well as
their function (for example, ability to accelerate quickly and to move fast is t
he part of the beauty of an automobile). The beauty of a human being, however, i
s defined by the soul. Body is irrelevant. A true judge of human beauty estimate
s the aesthetic qualities of the soul: kindness, courage, discipline, reason, an
d so on. Such is the true beauty of a human being, the true one-to-ten scale eve
n though within material reality, unfortunately, the body is often taken into th
e account. Where does all beauty in the world has its source? In God. God is pur
e Beauty. Every single beautiful thing we see or hear, every single beautiful qu
ality of a human soul comes from God, is a reflection of the Absolute Idea of Be
auty, which is God. The true Love therefore is a desire of a soul to unite with
God - desire to give birth - and be born - into Beauty. Soul is God in me. My de
sire to unite with God is my desire to unite with my true Self. God is who I was
before I was conceived. There is God in me and the same God in you. When I look
at you I see my true Self. When I love you, when I am loved by you, we see the
same God in each other - what we see might be distorted, tarnished by our mundan
e experience, and yet deep there God is what we see. Tragically, achieving unity
with God through unity with each other is almost impossible in the material uni
verse. That is where the terrible longing of being in love comes from. Sufi myst
ic Al-Hallaj, like Christ a thousand years earlier, was crucified in 922 for say
ing, I am God. He described love through a parable. There was a moth once who li
ved in a forest. Every night she flew to a clearing where a cabin stood, in whic
h a hermit lived. The hermit spent night after night reading by the light that c
ame from the flame in the lamp. The flame was covered with the glass lampshade.
The moth fel in love with the flame. The invisible barrier of the glass lampshad
e separated the moth from her beloved, the flame. So the moth spent night after
night beating her wings against the glass lampshade til morning. Other moths in
the forest could not understand such passion. Look at yourself, you are all bang
ed up, who needs love like that, they said laughing to the moth in love. But she
never listened to them, and flew to the clearing again as the dusk fell. Then o
ne day as she was beating her wings against the glass, the lampshade shattered.
The moth flew straight into the flame, and she became the flame. The perfect uni
ty of the lovers had been achieved. Writer Alexander Green had apparently found
all verbal definitions of love limited. In his novel "Scarlet Sails", a little g
irl asks her father about love. - What do you mean - be able to love? - Like thi
s! - and he would take the little girl into his arms and tenderly kiss her sad e
yes, which squinted in satisfaction. Like this! Love is an activity, not an emot
ional state.
I think to love a woman means to take action motivated by my wish to make her ha
ppy, on her own terms. She is a human
being, she has her own idea of happiness, based on her experience. She might hav
e the wrong idea from my point of view, and I might do something kind to convinc
e her that my idea of happiness would be better for her - and yet ultimately she
is the one who has to decide what happiness means for her. She makes the choice
what she wants her life to be like. It is not possible to own a human being. At
tachment is neurotic and destructive. Compassion, emotional generosity, kindness
are creative and healthy. I love a woman, so I want her to be happy. But she ch
ooses her happiness. If she is happy with me, my love is fulfilled. If she is tr
uly happy without me - or with someone other than me - my love is fulfilled. Tha
t is what love is all about. dimitri@charismaarts.com Part V Destroying the Illu
sions Chapter 22 Probably the most dangerous illusion about the courtship that w
e must dispel is the illusory notion that a man has to do something special to b
e with a woman he likes. This wrong notion is rooted so deeply in the psyche of
a modern man, that it might take me quite a number of paragraphs to help you see
the beautiful truth. And yet it is worth every word. I will have to begin from

afar. Please be patient and I promise you will understand why it is necessary. T
he purpose of the society is survival of the species. The society does not care
about your personal survival, nor does it care about you as a spiritual individu
al. In fact, society does not want you to be a spiritual individual, because hav
ing a personality would make you unique, and being unique would give you the per
sonal goals that might be far different from the social goal of survival of the
species. To be on the safe side, the society wants to tune down your individuali
ty, so you do not jeopardize the survival of the human race by your rebellion. T
he society survives at your expense.

25
To be able to tune down your individual traits and make you uniform with everyon
e else, the society employs the myth of being special, at the same time actively
brainwashing you, like everyone else, into being ordinary. Here is how this tac
tic can be explained in the simple terms: What society announces as ordinary is
in fact special. What society announces as special is in truth ordinary. Society
inverses the truth. For example, having a thousand one-night stands is a sign o
f a very ordinary person, and yet the society glorifies it. Sharing
your entire life with a single romantic partner and making that life meaningful
is indeed something special, and yet society
makes it look like it is ordinary and undesirable. Why am I saying that having a
thousand one-night stands is a sign of ordinary person? Because a man who dedic
ates himself entirely to "scoring" is not capable of living meaningfully. Such m
an cannot think about anything besides "scoring", and effectively spends his ent
ire life behaving like an animal. Why do you think the overwhelming majority of
Hollywood films is so technically superb yet based on such miserably stupid stor
ies? Clearly it is because the society is aware of the brainwashing, hypnotizing
power of the big screen in the dark room, and employs this power to tune down t
he personalities of each individual member of the audience. If movies can be tec
hnically superb, surely they can be creatively superb as well - only it is not t
o the benefit of the society, and that is why truly brilliant works of film can
only be discovered in the tiny, run-down, dilapidated old theaters. It is not a
fault of the particular individual or individuals. There is no conspiracy. The s
ociety is self-organizing. It is within each of us. I was brought up in a totali
tarian society, in which people were supposed to live in the identical houses, w
ear identical clothing, say identical words and have identical thoughts. That so
ciety - Soviet Union - is no more. If you look up the photos of modern North Kor
ea, you will get an idea of what my childhood was like. That kind of life was pe
rfectly simple - and perfectly absurd. The society simply TOLD each individual w
hat to think and what to do. The totalitarian society played the "direct game" o
n me and everyone around me. Western society, on the other hand, is democratic.
It is based on the idea of the individual freedom, and is supported by the free
trade. This society cannot tell each person what to think and what to do. It wou
ld provoke immediate rebel ion. And yet the Western society still needs to fulfi
ll its function: to tune down each individual mind for the goal of the survival
if the species. So instead of telling people what to think and do, the society p
resents certain bits of information to people in such a way that those bits of i
nformation put together can lead to certain predictable and controlled conclusio
ns. Modern Western society plays the "indirect game" on us. The result is still
the same, we are brainwashed. Lifestyle modeling plays huge part in the works of
the Western society, and advertisement is one of the aspects of the lifestyle m
odeling. Let me put it this way: without the flow of information about products
for sale our society the way we know it would collapse, and it is advertisement
that provides the flow. Advertisement is everywhere. Today I saw a poster of the
tennis player Marina Sharapova advertising expensive male wristwatch on a bus s
top shed. If you are not familiar, Marina is a cute and athletic Siberian girl,
and you better believe me, she was not wearing a bra under her undone tennis shi
rt on that poster. Put two and two together, silly consumers, and you will know
what kind of watch you must own so one day you can be around a fun girl like Mar
ina. You must own a cool car to be with Marina. You must own a cool house to be
with Marina. You must own cool clothes to be with Marina. You must go to a cool
gym to be with Marina. You must be a doctor or a lawyer to afford paying for the
cool stuff that will make you attractive for Marina. Sounds familiar? To put al
this in one sentence, ever since you were born, the Western free trade democrat
ic society have been teaching you this: You must do something special to deserve
sexual fulfillment. The way you are, you do not deserve it! Is it not frighteni
ng that we all are given the neurotic belief about one of our fundamental biolog
ical necessities? So the guy works his heart out half his life, climbing up the
social ladder, hating himself, and when he gets the cool job and cool house and

cool car and so on - he has no idea how to even talk to a girl! One of my good f
riends, a church minister, got into a religious dispute with me, insisting that
Christ could not possibly experience failure because Christ is God, and God alwa
ys achieves success. God achieves success... My friend is a great guy, and he is
tremendously educated in theology, and yet even he measures God by the standard
s handed to us by the Western free trade society. Success is hurray, failure is
boo!

26
It works both ways, too: a woman must look special to be with a man like Tiger W
oods. She has to wear something special, her make-up must be special, her body m
ust look a certain way, she has to pay for plastic surgery and so on. She has to
look like Marina. What a load of nonsense! Let s zoom in. Seduction community h
as all the characteristics of a society. It is based on the principles of the fr
ee trade, only like any micro-society within the bigger society, it is somewhat
more totalitarian. To the best of my knowledge, the community had been created i
n the eighties almost single-handedly by the man who has a near-psychotic belief
that the only way to get a woman to have sex with him is to hypnotize her. This
man has the following approach to life in general: if he wants something from s
omeone, he will hypnotize and manipulate this person into providing that. I thin
k that man came up with the idea of using the NLP to create the community of peo
ple who could be hypnotized into purchasing his products for as long as they liv
e, and he cemented his market by creating the community language. Later of cours
e the creator and ruler of the pick-up community had to deal with quite a few pa
rasites - equally or more talented self-promoters who began to fish in the same
marketing pool, feeding on the ever-present sociobiological problems of sexual f
rustration and gender warfare. It is my strong belief that the pick-up community
, directed by the community leaders, is continuously brainwashing the huge army
of insecure men for the purpose of creating stable, easyto-manipulate market for
their products and services. The community gives such men the illusory validati
on and illusory fulfillment, by channeling all their efforts into a vain activit
y that requires bits of fake knowledge those man otherwise would not need. The l
eaders need you to keep "sarging". The leaders don t want you to settle down wit
h a woman, ever. To be sure, what you learn from them will get you laid - but wh
at a classic community-brainwashed PUA does not realize is that he would get lai
d anyway by just going out there and talking to a woman. In fact, the leaders in
vest a lot of effort into making the courtship seem very difficult, and they giv
e a lot of false advice because if the man becomes successful and sees that the
whole thing is very simple and he did not even need any of the things he paid fo
r - he would never come back to spend more money. Throw all this junk out of you
r head! Understand this:
A MAN DOES NOT NEED TO DO ANYTHING SPECIAL IN ORDER TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN HE
FINDS ATTRACTIVE!
You already have all those skills. Every single one of them. You just need to fi
nd those skills within yourself. We can help you with that, but we will not make
you do anything special, and we will not tell you what success means for you. Y
ou are going to have to find out for yourself. I might be mistaken but I think i
t was Michelangelo who said, I see the beautiful sculpture in the slab of marble
. All I have to do is free it from imprisonment. One thing that comes to my mind
now is that when a woman is being tricked into seeking self-validation through
sex with a man who crashed her self-esteem, emotionally blackmailed her, hypnoti
zed, or otherwise manipulated her into having sex with him, then it s technicall
y a rape. There are way too many women out there who made themselves sexually av
ailable to men who messed with their minds. These women s perceptions of the wor
ld had been altered and distorted, they had been mentally traumatized by insecur
e men. Sometimes forever. I do not hate and do not despise women whose emotional
damage expresses itself often in their inability to remain loyal to one man, in
their mistrust to men in general. And on the other hand, I do not despise men w
ho are so insecure in their manhood that they need hundreds and thousands of one
-night stands to regain the illusion of being in charge. I pity such men. I thin
k that carrying a self-imposed label of a PUA, speaking in the community slang,
validating oneself by the number of intravaginal penetrations, and many other ch
ildish games men choose to play are all symptoms of a deep neurosis. I think tru
ly secure men do not let anyone manipulate their minds. And I also think that tr
uly secure men do not want to have more women in their lives than necessary to m
ake them happy. I think having too many women in one s life leads to unhappiness
- directly (by undermining the ability to create deep, truly meaningful connect

ion with anyone and making a man cynical about the very act of communication) an
d indirectly (by taking away the time that would otherwise will be used much mor
e constructively). I think one loving woman is enough for the lifetime of happin
ess. I think the true art lies in finding that unique relationship and keeping i
t alive through the years. And being loyal. I think having a quickie in a bathro
om with a woman I have talked to for a few minutes, and never seeing that woman
again will not make any positive change in my life or in hers. It definitely won
t make me a better person, and it wouldn t be something to make me respect myse
lf better or to deserve for me the respect of other men. What would make me resp
ect myself is my ability to overcome and eliminate fear, and do what I otherwise
wouldn t be able to do (that is, if I allowed myself to succumb to that fear).
It is only to that degree I think what I do now professionally as a courtship in
structor makes any sense.

27
I find it difficult to imagine the men I truly respect being so obsessed with th
eir sexual inferiority complexes that they would entirely give up their spiritua
l life and dedicate their whole existence to having a steady supply of pussy. Wh
at make a man whose only purpose in life is seeking physical pleasure different
from an animal? Our very humanity is what s at stake. I might have just made a f
ew enemies, but make no mistake: the so called Inner Game - which is, quite simp
ly, the feeling of self-respect - is what I m talking about here. Show me a stro
nger mind frame than the one I have just shared with you. Chapter 23 The so-call
ed Approach Anxiety does not exist. It is an illusion, maintained in the minds o
f thousands of gullible men to make courtship appear difficult to them, so that
they purchase more seduction products and services, and sink deeper in their des
pair. Let us analyze the problem. Anxiety is one of the forms of fear. Specifica
lly, it is the fear of the uncertain future. Approach is the process of moving t
oward something or someone. The Approach Anxiety, therefore, must be the fear of
the uncertain future related to or triggered by the process of moving toward so
meone or something. Before we discuss the true nature of the phenomenon that hav
e been wrongly labeled as the Approach Anxiety, let us talk about fear in genera
l. It will take a lot of words; the working draft of this article took ten pages
in print, but please bear with me. This is a tough illusion to dispel, and yet
when it is finally dispelled, I promise that the beauty of the truth will astoni
sh you. Let us discuss the fear from the point of view of the psychological arch
etype defined by his ability to face and handle that emotion: the Hero. What mak
es the Hero so much different from a coward? The Hero is intimately familiar wit
h the nature of the fear. The Hero knows certain secrets about fear that a cowar
d does not know. These are the secrets that I am about to reveal to you. There a
re two fundamental types of fear: 1) Artificial Fear; 2) Natural Fear. Let me ex
pand. 1) The Artificial Fear is man-made. It is also known as intimidation, or s
uspense. This type of fear is usually characterized by dramatic build-up with un
expected leaps to considerably higher levels of intensity. I would like to give
you an example of my encounter with an unsuccessful attempt to create the Artifi
cial Fear. A few weeks ago I walked up to a group of attractive and friendly wom
en on a street and greeted them. As I usually do, I touched one of the women on
the upper arm with the back of my hand as I was making the introduction. All of
a sudden a man appeared out of nowhere, like a troll out of a tobacco-box. Witho
ut any proper exchange of pleasantries, he pushed me in the chest, and yelled in
my face: Get lost, she is my wife! The man did not seem very intimidating - if
anything, he was amusing - so I stayed. I smiled, offered him my hand for a hand
shake, and introduced myself. I told him that I would never dare to intrude upon
his relationship. The man ignored my hand, he was shaking in fury, yelling inco
herently, and splattering me with saliva. I reached to his shoulder to clarify m
y friendliness and to pacify him with the touch. The man went berserk. I would n
ot be able to quote his verbal response here: what if there are ladies reading m
y article? I felt sorry for his wife: she was so attractive, and greeted me so f
riendly when I approached her. She definitely deserved a better man. A moment la
ter, two more men appeared synchronously on both sides of me, like hunting veloc
iraptors in Jurassic Park. One of them was flexing his muscles and scowling at m
e in a rather comical way, the other tried to act like a bully from a Hitchcock
movie: he grinned dramatically and told me that if I try to touch his friend one
more time, he will kill me. It was rather funny, so I played along. I immediate
ly touched the guy: You mean, if I touch him like this? You are going to kill me
for that? The movie bully stopped grinning. He wanted to be taken seriously. Wa
lk away, or you are dead, he said. His pal on my other side was puffing himself
up, trying to come up with something equally smart to say. The disgruntled husba
nd in front of me was gasping in righteous indignation. I do not enjoy it when p
eople who have no business telling me what to do give me orders, so I stayed wit
h them a while longer, behaving as friendly as I could. I left only when I grew
bored. And hey, I am still alive. I must emphasize that from the moment the firs
t man appeared till the moment his friend threatened to kill me only thirty seco
nds or so had elapsed. In a few paragraphs I will explain why I find it so impor

tant.

28
I do not exactly fit the archetype of the Hero. I have been motivated by fear th
roughout my life. And yet, during the interaction I had just described, I had ex
perienced no fear whatsoever, despite the fact that my would-be-opponents tried
to intimidate me. What kept me calm was my recently acquired understanding of th
e nature of Artificial Fear. Why would someone try to motivate my behavior by fe
ar? - Because this person believes that a man can be easily motivated by fear. W
hy does that person believe that a man can be easily motivated by fear? - Becaus
e that person himself is easily motivated by fear. To rephrase it, WHEN SOMEONE
TRIES TO INTIMIDATE ME, TO TRIGGER FEAR IN ME, I KNOW THAT HE IS A COWARD. He tr
ies to create Artificial Fear because he is afraid of me. If I feel no fear for
a few moments, his fear will take over. And why would I be afraid of someone who
is afraid of me? That would be comical. 2) The Natural Fear does not involve th
e process of intimidation. It is a biologically pre-programmed reaction to a dan
gerous situation. The crucial characteristic of such dangerous situation is that
it happens suddenly and without warning. Let me give you an example of the Natu
ral Fear from my experience. About two months ago I was waiting for a traffic li
ght to change, sitting astride my motorcycle, enjoying the quiet peaceful mornin
g and the mastery of my ride. The light turned green, I took off, shifted to the
third gear, and was suddenly rammed by a passing Buick that veered off into my
lane. No warning. My bike span around, I flew out of the saddle like a rag doll,
and the funniest part was, while it was happening, I felt excited like a kid in
a toy store. I did not feel any pain when my thumb broke against the spinning f
ront wheel, and I remember saying loudly WOW as the parked cars were tumbling ar
ound me, and thinking, "This is interesting, I feel the pavement even through th
e leather!" as I was sliding on my back. Then I jumped up on my feet, saw my thu
mb bent back in the joint, and set it right without thinking. It did not hurt wh
en I did it. I looked around and saw my bike twisted as if King Kong was playing
with it. Then I got scared. Chilled to the bones. But it was too late, the dang
erous situation was already over, and I had to find a way to comfort the terrifi
ed old lady behind the steering wheel of the unscratched Buick, and a bunch of b
loodthirsty Mexican construction workers on the corner, clearly disappointed tha
t they had not witnessed death. (I remember flipping a bird at them). I also had
to come up with a legal way to get a few thousand dollars to repair my bike. My
point is, the Natural Fear is instantaneous, and more often than not is experie
nced after the event. And it is quite all right to be afraid when the bad thing
had already happened, as long as you can be active enough to handle the conseque
nces. Before I reveal to you the most essential characteristic of fear, and befo
re I tell you exactly how to achieve total control over fear, I would like to in
troduce another important concept: that of Resistance. Here s how you are going
to get things done from now on. Remember the following four steps as a model for
your behavior. 1. You want something; 2. You take action to achieve what you wa
nt; 3. You experience the RESISTANCE; 4. You take action to overcome the resista
nce and achieve what you want. The reason why most people are not as successful
in achieving what they want as they could be is because they refuse to face the
reality of resistance. They have unrealistic expectations. They choose to believ
e that it s enough to want something and to take action in order to achieve what
they want. So when they encounter resistance, they back off. Resistance happens
. Resistance happens every time. Resistance happens whenever you want something,
right after you take action to achieve what you want. Put a book on your desk,
try to move it along the surface, and you will experience resistance. Resistance
is inevitable. Resistance is to be expected. The Universe would fall apart with
out the Resistance. It s what you do AFTER the resistance that makes all the dif
ference. EXPECT RESISTANCE. When you experience resistance, don t worry about it
. It s just the way it s supposed to be, and it cannot be otherwise. Resistance
is normal. Resistance is the law of the Universe. If you do not experience Resis
tance right after you take action to achieve what you want, it only means that t
he

29
resistance is delayed, and you will encounter somewhat stronger Resistance after
a certain time interval elapses. Take action to overcome the Resistance, and yo
u will achieve what you want. What action do you take to overcome Resistance? If
I were training you for a fight against a professional heavyweight boxer, I wou
ld tell you that in order to overcome his resistance to your attacks you must pu
nch harder and faster than your opponent, move around him in a random pattern he
wouldn t be able to predict, and look for every spot in his upper body you can
use as a target. But I am not training you to be a boxer. Courtship is not about
destroying the opponent. It is not about jumping out of the trench and sticking
a bayonet in her guts. Courtship is about love. Victory in courtship is achieve
d by the means of love. And it is very simple. Here is my favorite description o
f the Hero. Hero: a man brave longer. That s al there is to it. A non-heroic man
can be brave until he meets the resistance to his courage. Then his courage is
gone, and he is no longer brave. The Hero remains brave in the face of resistanc
e - he remains brave just a little longer. Think of it: most of the truly fright
ening situations that require action last for a minute or two! Two minutes later
it is all over, and there is nothing to fear. And within those two minutes ther
e is probably only a second or two that are truly frightening, the rest is quite
tolerable. The truth about fear: Fear cannot last long. Even those unique frigh
tening situations that last hours or days - they do have high and low points of
fear, and each high point would last no longer than a couple of minutes, and the
truly frightening part of such high point lasts only a second or two - maximum.
In fact, in most situations of the Natural Fear the frightening situation lasts
only a split second, and is already over before you begin to experience the fea
r. And I have already explained to you that the Artificial Fear is ridiculous in
its very essence because it is always being induced by cowards. The Artificial
Fear disappears completely when you accept the truth. The Hero is not a man who
is brave throughout his entire life. The Hero is a man who can remain brave for
just those extra two seconds within minutes. Then he can relax and not be brave
anymore. There is peace on the other side of the storm. A hero is also a man who
is ready to be brave for that split second anytime in his life. Wake him up at
night and he is ready to be brave for a split second. It is incredibly easy to b
e a Hero. Only I want you to be a very special kind of the Hero. Not only I want
you to be a man who is brave longer, I also want you to be a man who is KIND LO
NGER. To explain what I mean, let me show you what happens to a man who does not
know the secrets that I am teaching you. He wants to meet a woman. He takes act
ion: he approaches a woman because he thinks that she has something he must get
from her. She resists his approach - not because she is a bad person, but simply
because resistance is the universal law. The man has not expected her resistanc
e. He immediately becomes ANGRY, and leaves. He thinks he has been rejected. In
fact, he has just sabotaged himself. And now let me show you exactly how it is g
oing to be for you. You want to meet a woman. You take action: you approach a wo
man, knowing very well that you can give her something she craves. You expect he
r resistance as something perfectly normal. You know her resistance will not bot
her you. She resists your approach - and she might even expect you to get angry.
Instead, you react to her resistance with KINDNESS. She is disarmed by your kin
dness, and is curious about you. For her you are unlike most men she has ever me
t. She begins to see you for who you are: the Hero. She wants to find out more a
bout you. I foresee your question: what if she resists again? And again? I have
a personal rule about a woman s consistent resistance. I would like to share thi
s rule with you. I call my rule "the rule of 3 + 1". I would al ow a "tough" wom
an to resist me three times in a row, and I react with increasing kindness to ea
ch bit of her resistance. Then I would allow her to resist me ONE MORE TIME, sim
ply to give this relationship an extra chance - and react even more kindly. If a
fter that she resists me again, I politely leave her alone: she is not the right
woman for me. Why would I continue wasting my time with her when I can effortle
ssly meet a woman who has better character? I would like you to choose your own
proportion. Make it "5 + 1" or "7 + 1" or "1 + 1" rule, and always follow your i
ntuition sometimes you might want to give her a second extra chance. Just rememb

er that you do not have to stay around a woman if it is no fun. There is a great
gal somewhere out there for you who can make you really happy. Please realize t
hat every now and then you will find it pointless to continue a conversation wit
h a woman you have met.

30
This is also normal. The material world is imperfect, and it is wise to expect i
mperfection in the results of what you do. The notion of a man who can "seduce"
any woman in the world is an illusion. I will tell you more about it in one of t
he following chapters. There are quite a few illusions we must destroy so we can
see the truth. Now let us get back to the illusion of the so-called Approach An
xiety. I have spent so much ink describing the emotion of fear to you because it
is my strong belief that the so-called Approach Anxiety is not even fear. You c
an trust me on that. I know what fear is about. The phenomenon known as Approach
Anxiety is not that. Back when I used to have it, it felt very different from f
ear. So it should not be called anxiety, either. Here is my main thesis: the phe
nomenon popularly called the Approach Anxiety is not anxiety at all. We are deal
ing with a case of social misinterpretation of a very different type of emotion,
which has nothing to do with fear. The Approach Anxiety is a WRONG LABEL. Some
of the leaders of the seduction community had attempted to justify the wrong lab
el by explaining that in their opinion the so-called Approach Anxiety is a psych
obiological response genetically pre-programmed in the ancient tribal society wh
en a man could have been killed for approaching a woman that belonged to the lea
der of the tribe. I find this explanation false, because according to this very
explanation only the descendants of the tribal leaders could have survived to ou
r age, and these descendants by definition could not have such response genetica
lly pre-programmed because their predecessors, the tribal leaders, would not hav
e to deal with the threat of being killed, due to the fact that they were the on
es who did all the scaring and murdering. The leaders of the seduction community
also insist that the so-called Approach Anxiety is bound to occur every time a
man wants to approach an attractive woman. Practice proves that statement false;
I personally know a number of men who have reported no negative emotions at the
moment they engage a woman in an interaction. Many of those men have been my pr
ivate clients or the students of the Charm School. I am one of such men. My frie
nd and co-instructor Rob Overman is a great example of such man. Let us analyze
the phenomenon to find out its true nature. Think of a man who did not have a ch
ance to learn the simple secrets I am revealing to you in this article, and who
therefore believes that he is afraid or anxious to approach women. When such man
sees a woman he likes - on a street, in a coffee shop, on a train, in a bar - h
e immediately feels the strong urge to get to know her. Such urge is perfectly n
atural. I would like you to notice that it contains the great element of curiosi
ty, which is, as I have mentioned elsewhere, a fundamental underlying emotion of
the human mating dance. Then a marvelous thing happens: the body of that man do
es its best to prepare him for the ritual. The natural chemicals rush suddenly i
nto his blood stream to tune up his brain; to make him more flirtatious, and mor
e resourceful; to boost his energy level; to make his skin glow; to make him mor
e agile, younger-looking, more attractive, and more vigorous; to guarantee his a
bility to please a woman. His mind is ready to come up with the best things to s
ay and do, to give the woman the most ingenious reasons why she absolutely must
get to know that man. He is bursting, trembling with energy like a tightly loade
d spring ready to be released, like a racing car at the start line, like a space
rocket seconds before the launch. What he experiences is a unique and very stro
ng form of SEXUAL TENSION. This tension builds up incredibly fast, so two or thr
ee seconds later it reaches the almost unbearable level. The man is ready to app
roach the woman at his best. And then this ignorant fool ruins everything. Inste
ad of accepting grateful y the powerful help given to him by his own body, he ch
ooses to misinterpret his extreme sexual tension as something very different: fe
ar. He chooses to be afraid. As soon as such choice is made, it is all over. The
mind, eager to be helpful, shifts from "joyful anticipation" to "fight for surv
ival". Instead of helping the man to attract the woman, the mind begins to work
hard to come up with the most ingenious reasons why he should not approach her:
"May be she is married... may be she does not want to be disturbed just now... m
ay be if I stare at her long enough she will notice me and approach me... may be
I should go find a bathroom first and check in a mirror if I have something bet
ween my teeth..." A man can rarely win a fight against his own mind. He rejects

something that could have been his chance for great happiness, and throws it int
o the garbage. The spring is never released. The car race is lost at the start.
The rocket is never launched.
The tension is never relieved properly, and the man turns his own mind against h
imself. All the wonderful energy he has built
up to approach a woman is now inversed and invested into the feelings of self-co
ntempt and self-loathing. And his hypedup mind entertains itself now with dozens
of great reasons why that man deserves to feel so miserable, why he is inherent
ly unlikable, and why he should never even think of approaching a woman again: "
Waste of time... it will only make me feel awful... women are not worth it... I
must focus on more important things in my life... the French Existentialists wer
e right, the

31
true human connection is impossible". He might even blame the woman for acting a
loof and being cold-hearted and cruel for not reacting positively to his attempt
s to make an eye contact. Such is the behavior of an ignorant man. But you are n
ot him: you know and understand the truth. The emotion you experience when facin
g a woman you find attractive is called SEXUAL TENSION. It is a very positive em
otion, provided to you as HELP. It is also the same exact emotion you will creat
e in a woman in order to make her welcome the idea of having sex with you. SEXUA
L TENSION is our currency. In many situations a woman experiences sexual tension
later into the interaction, due to certain gender differences in psychology. In
some other situations she will experience such tension just when you make eye c
ontact, before you even walk up to her. However, my point is, the tension a woma
n experiences is the same very tension that so many men choose to mislabel as fe
ar. It has nothing to do with fear. And now I will tell you how it is going to b
e for you. When you see a woman you like, you experience a powerful surge of ene
rgy. You let this energy build up until it is nearly overwhelming. But your mind
remains calm: you know how to control and direct this energy, the energy of SEX
UAL TENSION. You know that the more energy you accumulate during this ecstatic m
oment, the smarter, the more resourceful, the more attractive it will make you.
So you wait. You let the energy grow: you wait three, five, ten seconds if neces
sary, until the tension reaches its absolute peak. Then you keep this tension at
its peak, and connect to your feelings. You feel like a loaded spring ready to
be released. You feel like a racing car at the start line, the motor of your hea
rt revving joyfully in the anticipation of the inevitable victory. You feel like
a space rocket moments before the launch, ready to soar, your powerful engines
roaring in your chest. Then you tell yourself: "GO". You unleash yourself. You t
ake the five steps toward the woman, who might make you incredibly happy. And as
soon as you take those steps, THE TENSION IS REPLACED BY THE INTOXICATING FEELI
NG OF RELIEF. All the energy you have accumulated is being channeled into the be
autiful mating dance the two of you are about to begin. And you do not have to d
o anything special: your energy will do the job for you. After two or three appr
oaches you will get hooked on that feeling of relief. You will begin approaching
women just to reexperience the exhilaration. This is how you are going to appro
ach women from now on. Chapter 24 It is not possible to prove the reality of the
material world. It is not possible to prove that the material world is not real
. It all comes to making a personal choice. I choose to believe that the Univers
e has no being. I find this belief more beautiful than the opposite, I fins it m
ore consistent and more effective. I foresee your questions: What in the world d
oes this have to do with courtship? If the Universe has no being, what is the po
int of courtship at all? Please be patient. I will try my best to communicate my
thoughts, and I hope we will understand each other. There are two major angles
of philosophy: materialism and idealism. Materialism says that the matter is all
there is, that there is no such thing as soul, spirit, God, etc. All those thin
gs, according to materialism, are he false labels placed upon the instincts, bra
in chemistry, and physical laws. Idealism says that not only soul does exist, bu
t soul is the only thing that is real. Time has no being. The past has no being,
it is no more. The future has no being, it is not yet. The present is elusive,
and shrinks into non-being. The space would not be perceptible without time. The
space is formed by time. But if time is an illusion, so must be the space. Spac
e and time are not reality. They are only the grid, the system of conventional c
oordinates, they are with us like the language we speak. The purpose is to simpl
ify the perception, but unfortunately those things do not serve the purpose. The
y only make the perception false. But without the grid, everything disappears! I
like idealism. Possibility for the idealism in courtship is what had attracted
me to Charisma Arts in the first place. I like the form of courtship in which th
e soul of a woman is what really counts. At least this is what I think we teach,
in the majority of cases. This is what I think makes Charisma Arts absolutely u
nique.

32
Idealism in courtship has a few curious implications.
Idealism removes anxiety and fear. When a man knows that he is immortal (because
the only thing that is real about him,
his soul, has never been born and will never die), he achieves real courage. Acc
ording to idealism, there is no real difference between the subject and the obje
ct. There is no real difference between me and a woman I am speaking with. Our s
ouls are intimately connected from before we had been born, and they are already
more intimately connected than our bodies ever can, sex or no sex. Therefore, n
o one is a stranger to no one. When I speak to someone, it is God in me speaking
to God in the other person. And it is the same God. In reality, I and a woman I
speak with are the same thing. And by the way, there is no difference between m
e and you, the reader. I am also you, as you are me. Idealism says that the natu
re has no reality. Traditional materialistic Western culture has imposed a parad
oxical belief in us that nature is intoxicatingly pleasant, while at the same ti
me being dangerous and corrupt. But if we believe that nature is not real, how c
an it be corrupt - and how can it be so pleasant as to take our mind from infini
tely more important things? Therefore, idealism removes the sense of guilt, and
replaces it with the true ethics based on compassion and love. And we do need co
mpassion and love in the courtship. We let it occur without compassion and love
way too long. We can also comfortably get rid of all the theories that treat a h
uman being as a sick animal. Who cares what our cavemen predecessors felt or did
in their caves? We are not them. Who had ever managed to prove they existed, in
the first place? (And I am talking about deeper, philosophical meaning of the p
roof, the one that that goes beyond the materialistic science). Why complicate t
he reality by dragging the past out of its well-forgotten grave? Why not deal wi
th the immediate situation instead? Idealism presumes that it does not matter ho
w the body looks, true courtships becomes possible on the spiritual level, when
the matters of the body are cast away. We can only get close to being happy when
the body looses its value, anyway. We can get rid of all socially imposed notio
ns about ourselves, and finally see a clear picture by pursuing the Truth. We ca
n see that money is not important, either. We can finally completely forgive our
selves and the others for the past. In fact, we do not even have anything to for
give because the past had never taken place. It is but a delusion of our mind. W
e can choose who we want to be and be who we want to be, without long struggle a
nd gradual progress, because the timeline loses any meaning when there is no pas
t and no future. Why create the time and why wait when all the things we want to
achieve are simple and can be achieved instantly? To achieve contact with someo
ne - REAL contact! - we just need to take off the masks and see the great unity
of souls. Chapter 25 When I am told that some man can seduce any woman he choose
s to, I wince. From that moment on I will have to consider that man a liar. And
I sure prefer him to be a liar, because if he is not deceiving himself or others
, it means he can only be a rapist. What I am about to tell you is basic, and ye
t the illusory notion of the Absolute Seducer is so deeply rooted in the psyche
of the modern man that to get rid of it I have to explain the most elementary th
ings. Any woman has her own ideas of what she wants, who she wants to share her
life with, what kind of a man she wants to have a relationship with, what kind o
f a man she wants to spend her time with, who and for what reason she finds sexu
ally desirable, and so on. A woman is a human being. Yes, believe it or not! Eve
n the most charismatic man in the world may find himself in a situation when a w
oman he is courting just is not into him. There are three possible things a man
can do when a woman makes it very clear that she does not find him desirable as
a romantic partner. 1) A man can accept her will with respect to her as a human
being, and treat her as a noble friend would. This is the way of a true man. The
true man knows that a woman might yet change her mind, and he knows the importa
nce and power of noble friendship. On the other hand, the true man knows that he
would never do things to make a woman feel inferior, and he knows that a woman
is responsible for her own choices. or 2) A man can get upset, walk away, and be
gin to hate the woman for having rejected him, and to hate himself for being unl

ikable. This is the way of a victim. Happens too often, unfortunately. or 3) A m

an can do something to architect a certain set of circumstances and/or influence
the mind of a woman in such ways that her will , even though she has not change
d it, is no longer considered valid. Then he finds away to go around what she re
ally wants, and she ends up having sex with him. Then he is gone to pursue anoth
er woman. This is the way of the rapist.

33
Threat of physical violence, lies, mind games, emotional blackmail, psychologica
l manipulation, tricky behavior of various sorts, all these things work in the s
ame way, because they all presume that the will of a woman is irrelevant, and al
l those things qualify a man who uses them as a rapist. For example, even a mode
rately trained hypnotist can probably make a woman have sex with him while she i
s under the influence of his speech patterns, but the fact that she would not sh
ow resistance would not make him less of a rapist. Because he would be doing som
ething to a woman ignoring her will. From the perspective of the individual will
of a woman, using a gun to threaten her and using tricks and gimmicks to fool h
er into the submission, are more or less the same. The truth is, the way of the
victim and the way of the rapist are related. They are both weak ways. Only the
victim is infinitely superior, because at least the victim does not act on his f
rustration. He is helpless, but he does not ruin lives. I wonder how many men ou
t there believe that they have changed and finally achieved success in their rom
antic lives, while in fact they have transformed themselves from victims to rapi
sts. It is a nightmare. I suspect that the famous seducers of the past were none
others that glorified rapists. And I suspect that so are some of the famous sed
ucers of our age. We should become true men. We should love and respect women. W
e should make women feel safe with us. My friend and co-instructor Rob often say
s, "I do not believe in the Golden Rule; I believe in the Platinum Rule. The Gol
den Rule implies treating the others as we want to be treated; the Platinum Rule
means treating the others as they want to be treated." Make women happy on thei
r own terms. dimitri@charismaarts.com Part VI Fundamental Principles Chapter 26
The entire Juggler Method is rooted in a couple of fundamental principles. Those
few principles are rooted in one: the principle of Alpha Nice. There is a rathe
r widespread notion that Alpha Nice is a Juggler Method tactic for dealing with
the aggressive male interference. This notion is partly correct, but too narrow.
Yes, Alpha Nice does work very consistently when, say, our client who wisely ch
ose New York as the location for his one-onone private coaching or Charm School
bootcamp (if you can make it there you ll make it anywhere) has a fascinating co
nversation with a woman he likes - and discovers suddenly that there is a pissed
-off man nearby who had always wanted to talk to that woman exactly the way our
client does now, but could not muster up the courage. In this case our client ju
st invites the grumpy dude to join the conversation, and makes friends with him:
a kind of graceful and self-assured behavior that prompts that woman swoon over
our guy immediately for some magical reason. Such is the power of Alpha Nice. B
ut Alpha Nice is bigger than that. For me the Alpha Nice comes from the realizat
ion that there is only one true and ultimate authority over all the matters rela
ted to my life: myself. Say this with me: I am the true and ultimate authority o
ver my life. Hey, I did not mean that you should say: Dimitri is the true and ul
timate authority over his life! When I said I, I meant you. So let us say it aga
in: I am the true and ultimate authority over my life! Right. You are the author
ity. Just you. You, and no one else must make choices in your life. You, and no
one else should take responsibilities for those choices. Take charge now. Become
the authority over the only thing that matters, a thing that includes all the o
ther things: your life. And when you see that something in your life needs to be
improved, it is your responsibility to make this improvement. Be on it. If you
remember to pay proper respect to your own authority over your life, you will ac
hieve and maintain the ultimate state of self-respect and confidence. Confidence
does not come from success. It is the other way around. Success comes from conf
idence. Confidence comes from acknowledging and respecting your own authority ov
er your life. Having the ultimate respect to myself, I am being nice to myself o
f course. So should you. Tell the self-deprecating, downputting voices in your m
ind to shut up. And now please realize that you cannot be the authority over the
life of anyone else, simply because in their life they are

34
the true and ultimate authorities! So not only you respect yourself as the ultim
ate authority over your life, but you respect every single person around you for
being the ultimate authorities over their lives. When I respect others as the u
ltimate authorities over their lives, I feel compelled to be nice to them. Succe
ssful social life can be described as the great conspiracy of the authorities to
be nice to each other. Chapter 27 Anything we do has a goal of self-expression.
The entire modern civilization has been built as a way for the human beings to
express themselves. Our houses and roads, our machines and flower gardens, our a
rts and sports, our languages, our mythologies, our sciences, our selfless urge
to reach other planets, even our wars, all those are the means of human self-exp
ression. And yet, the irony is that our desire to project our minds outward has
been continuously punished by the very civilization that owes its existence to t
hat desire. We have been socially conditioned to repress our emotions, to clam u
p, to hide our creativity, to adopt the verbal language and the body language of
the servitude. The grade system in out schools, throughout the world, has taugh
t us to conform to a standard of mediocrity and to seek approval. The true knowl
edge is almost never achieved, having been replaced by the corrupt principle of
saying something to please the teacher and examiner. And we either choose to ple
ase, and become sickeningly nice, or we get into a trap of aimless rebellion, of
being fake-bad boys and fake-bad girls, and lose our identity to the various fo
rms of sociopathic behavior. We had been programmed to self-destruct if we do no
t obey, and we self-destruct through selfexpression, first suppressed and then c
hanneled the wrong way. The goal of the Juggler Method is to direct both categor
ies of people, the neurotic nice guys and the neurotic rebels, to the path of tr
ue self-expression. In some other society in some other time the essence of the
method might have been different, but in our increasingly robotized, mechanized
society the key to developing the healthy self is connecting to own EMOTIONS and
bringing those emotions out there. The fundamental principle of Self-Expression
is rooted in the fundamental principle of Alpha Nice. The ability to express on
eself comes from taking charge of own life and taking absolute responsibility fo
r own choices. Fearlessness of the selfexpression comes from the state of ultima
te authority, achieved through the mastery of Alpha Nice. From my point of view
of the Alpha Nice individual, when something does not seem right, when something
bothers me about my condition, I must express it, at least through my words or,
preferably, through action. I like it better to speak in the language of action
. But the language of words also helps every now and then. On the other hand, wh
en something feels right, when the truth and kindness triumph, when someone does
something brave or talented or cute or simply genuine, I express what I feel ab
out it and give people the gift of my emotional generosity. All the specific tec
hniques of the Juggler Method branch from the principle of Self-Expression. What
I have described two paragraphs above is called Disqualification. What I had de
scribed one paragraph above is called the Reward. When I find something sexy abo
ut a woman, I do not hesitate to express that to her, and this is cal ed the Sta
tement of Intent. When something she says or does reminds me of something else,
I freely share my experience with her, and that is what Relating is all about. B
ut I must emphasize that the principle of Self-Expression goes way beyond the ba
sic conversational skills. Expressing my emotions, and especially my Alpha Nice
state of mind through my posture and body language is unbelievably important. Ex
pressing my self-respect through my choice of clothes and through grooming is eq
ually important. Expressing my confidence via the eye contact, expressing my fri
endliness when it is proper via the confident smile, and expressing the seriousn
ess of my intentions via the I-will-not-back-off kind of vacuum, those are cruci
al. I would like to share with you a wonderful short poem by the great American
Walt Whitman, from the Leaves of Grass. Stranger! If you, passing, meet me, and
desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not spea
k to you? Such are the words of the man who knew the power of the Self-Expressio
n. So if I want to approach a woman and to talk to her, I express this desire th
rough the action of the Approach. If I want to touch someone I speak with, I do
so. When I want to speak the truth, I do. At the same time, back to the Alpha Ni

ce principle, whatever specific means of self-expression I pursue, I do it in su

ch a way as to not repress the self-expression of the others. And yet I project
myself even further outward. Expressing my desire to be my best Self through my
choices and my behavior leads me through the journey of the spiritual growth. Fu
lfilling my dreams is one of the highest forms of SelfExpression. Being able to
sacrifice my ego for the sake of something beyond it is the ultimate Self-Expres
sion.

35
dimitri@charismaarts.com Part VII From the Journal of a Courtship Instructor Cha
pter 28 One of my private clients asked me recently during our one-on-one traini
ng session whats it like to have taught dozens of men how to seduce women. I told
him quite sincerely that I had no clue what that would be like. The truth is, I
do not teach men how to seduce women. I teach men how to be so damn cool that t
he women they meet would crave to seduce them. I teach the art of self-respect a
nd the craft of confidence, and I school my students in how to project those qua
lities outward. I am proud to say that it took me only a little over a year to f
igure out what the hel I teach. What shocks me the most when I think about my pa
st is how frighteningly cool I actually used to be, back when I was a kid, and h
ow easily and imperceptibly I allowed my great human qualities to slip away. By
twenty four I knew how to fly airplanes, trained martial artists, composed symph
ony music, and conducted operas and ballets for living. I was healthy, full of l
ife, driven by my interest in art, and brimming with great expectations. I was p
opular and surrounded by friends. I had to be very selective with girls because
they stalked me everywhere. And there I was ten years afterwards, stuck in a hor
ribly boring 80 hours a week job which couldnt even pay my bills, up-to the hairl
ine in debt, a two-to-three-packs-a-day chain smoker, overweight by seventy poun
ds, lonely and unkept, divorced from the woman whose life I felt I had ruined, v
ainly trying to drawn my grief in alcohol every night, and watching helplessly h
ow the creative aspirations of my youth were about to be extinguished. My talent
s and my ambition to become a creative writer were slipping through my fingers.
I felt on the verge of emotional and spiritual death. The change to the worse wa
s so subtle and insidious that I had turned into the opposite of how I saw mysel
f. By the midthirties I became my own doppelganger. I knew it, and I knew I woul
d never be able to get myself back. What I did not know was that al of it was ab
out to change. I found Charisma Arts. Im still trying to figure out what made me
sign up for a Charm School in New York (thats where I live). I can tell you thoug
h that back then the cost of the bootcamp seemed to me like a hell of a lot of m
oney, and whats worse, I did not even had that money, the only way for me to sign
up was to go deeper into debt (something I would not advocate). Well, I signed
up anyway, not knowing why, not knowing I had just done something that would emp
ower me to resurrect to happiness. I signed up two weeks before the date, and sp
ent those two weeks trying to talk myself into the commitment to the change. I r
emember that somehow I expected to have challenging but great time during my boo
tcamp. I was wrong. The bootcamp seemed like a miserable experience. At least, t
hats how I felt right after it. Judge for yourself: I got one married womans phone
number on the first night of practice; a rather well-known young fashion model
rejected my advances very politely during the day game; later on the same day in
the same bookstore I number-closed a radiant nineteen year-old girl from Brazil
, and on the second night I made out with everyone in a bachelorette party. Unfo
rtunately, the glorious deed seemed to have drained my energy, and I spent the r
est of the night sulking in a corner. One of the instructors who helped me throu
gh the camp commented on my ever-unsmiling face. I dont remember what did I expec
t to happen during the bootcamp, but I do remember that I felt dissatisfied with
my performance. I suspect that the dissatisfaction I felt was quite simply the
sign of my overall dissatisfaction with who I was and what my life was like back
then. And I do remember how during the first minutes of the bootcamp I felt a s
trong intuitive urge to apply for the instructors job. Actually, now that I think
of it, the first words that came out of my mouth during the bootcamp were, I wan
t to be an instructor for Charisma Arts. I repeated the same words in the end of
the Charm School. I wanted partying, adventure, coolness and glamor as legitimat
e items on the list of my job duties. My instructor told me to practice at least
once a week and come back to see him in about half a year. He sounded very poli
te and very skeptical. The problem was, I didnt feel I had half a year. I was in
a now or never situation. Even these days as I look back and think about it I do b
elieve that my life would never change and just roll speeding downhill if I hadnt
made a deal with myself. The deal was that I would practice every day and every
night, and come back to the next Charisma Arts bootcamp in

36
New York as a volunteer wingman. So I started practicing. There was a problem th
ough: my 80 hours a week working schedule. I had to find the way around it. And
I did. Every morning and every evening on my way to and from work I had to spend
an hour on a subway. Normally it would be time to catch up on sleep. I decided
to sacrifice that to self-improvement. So every morning I walked along the train
, from a car to a next car, and talked to every woman who seemed receptive and a
pproachable. I recall awakening some of those women so that they could talk to m
e. I finished work at midnight every night, and headed to some of the largest ba
rs in New York. I warmed up on my way there, talking to people on the streets an
d in trains. In bars, I began with having to have at least one practice interact
ion per night. Which meant that the earlier I begin, the earlier I would get hom
e, and the more sleep I would have. So most of the time I would open the very fi
rst group, lead the conversation quickly to the statement of intent, wish them g
ood night and bail out. Some other times, when I was not feeling it, I had to wa
it till almost closing time before having my obligatory interaction. On such bad
nights I didnt go home at all, I just went straight back to work and slept there
for a couple of hours. Then I began raising the bar. Two interactions a night.
Three. Four. Then I told myself I would not leave the bar until I get one girls p
hone number or email address or until the bar is closed (the annoyance of stayin
g yet another night out of bed led me to some spectacular, lightning-fast number
closes). And I was posting on Charisma Arts alumni board several times a day. E
very question, every discovery, every doubt and every little triumph, everything
went there. After three weeks of doing that I could number-close and kiss-close
quite consistently, and felt I could demonstrate some of the techniques. On the
other hand, due to sheer exhaustion the vibe I projected was getting worse and
worse. I started freaking girls out on the approach so I began getting blown off
much more often than before. I was in a fog. I felt drunk with fatigue. And yet
, somehow, I managed to progress. Heres what it felt like: I got blown off. I got
blown off. I got blown off. I got blown off. I got blown off. I got blown off.
I got blown off. I got blown off. I got blown off. I got blown off. I got blown
off. I got blown off. I got a phone number. I got blown off. I got blown off. I
got a phone number. I got blown off. I got blown off. I made out with an ugly gi
rl. I got blown off. I got blown off. I got an email address. I got blown off. I
got blown off. I made out with a cute girl. I got blown off. I got blown off. I
got laid. I got blown off. I got a phone number. I got laid. I got blown off. I
got a phone number. I got a phone number. I got laid. I got a phone number. I g
ot laid. I got laid. I got blown off (who cares?) I got laid. I got an email add
ress. And so on. I remember having an incredibly inspiring conversation with a g
irl who I walked home with, spent a night, and never heard back from, no matter
how many times I texted or called her. I remember almost accidentally opening a
woman in her late twenties with Hey, Id like to make love to you tonight! and seali
ng the deal on her couch a few hours afterwards. I remember having my neck licke
d profusely by an overwhelmingly hot and equally drunk Harvard coed who forced h
er number into my phone and never picked up the phone when I called her. Then on
e day I felt I couldnt do it anymore. So I decided to go one extra mile and get t
he job or die. I took a week off work, and put myself through a five days and fi
ve nights of non-stop practice. On the fifth night I demonstrated my skills to t
he same skeptical instructor who came back to run the Charm School in New York.
I opened the set of about five guys and three girls, knife through the butter st
yle. I started talking about various aspects of relationships, and I knew what w
ould happen, and it did: the five guys stood up and left to get their drinks, bo
red with the topic. The three girls flocked around me, chirping animatedly. I pu
t my arms around the two girls. I took a quick look back and saw my former instr
uctor goggling, his jaw on the floor. I got the job. Six weeks after I went thro
ugh what seemed like a torture of being a really bad Charm School student, I was
teaching my first one. Those were six weeks of insanity, but they paid off. I g
ot a 10 out of 10 from all the clients of my first bootcamp, so I never had a chan
ce to be an instructor-in-training. A lot of stuff happened since. I had to rein
vent the method to make it fit my personality. As a matter of fact, I had to do

that several times, as my character changed drastically more than once. I was a
high-energy goofy guy; a clown. A serious deep guy, a la Mr. Darcy from Pride and
Prejudice. A conversational technician. A philosopher. A too-cool-forschool rebe
l. A messiah. You may have noticed the changes in the style of the chapters of t
his book, the ones you have read by now and the ones which I hope you will read
ahead. Those chapters were written in the different moments of the last year, an
d reflect my progress and change.

37
Im on the quest of having no fixed form now. I had a performance crisis when my g
ame crashed and hit the bottom of a deepest pit in April in Vegas; it rose from
ashes in May in Boston. Once a well-known instructor from one of the leading riv
al companies tried to amog me in front of my clients; he did not succeed. The othe
r time I pulled three cute girls one by one from a bunch of instructors and clie
nts of another rival company, and my co-instructor Rob cemented that interaction
, while one of those guys tried to hover and listen and make notes and what Rob
was saying to one of the girls. Get used to it gentlemen, happens all the time.
People living in countries as far apart as Morocco, Japan, Chili, and Kenya read
my articles on courtship and encouraged me to write more. A guy who saw me in a
ction once introduced me as the strongest pick-up artist in the world to his frien
ds in a posh Manhattan high society party filled with stage- and TV celebrities.
I do not think I am the strongest pick up artist in the world. Actually, I do n
ot consider myself a pick-up artist at all. But these days I am indeed one of th
e best experts in the world at teaching modern courtship for men. That much I kn
ow for sure and can say with certainty. In one year I taught close to 200 men ho
w to meet and connect with women. I do fail sometimes. But most of the time, I s
ucceed. By the way, since the day I took a bootcamp as a client, a few things ch
anged in my life. I quit smoking. I dropped fifty pounds, and counting. I work o
ut. I am out of debt. I tripled my income while having cut my working hours by f
our times. I spend my free time writing stories. I have plenty of designer cloth
es, and a high-performance motorcycle that I ride to Boston and D.C. to teach my
private clients and Charm Schools students. I own a business. And I am in a rel
ationship with an attractive and intelligent woman whom I love and who loves me.
Chapter 29 I was rearranging items in my traveling bag and in a side pocket fou
nd a notebook I lost a while ago. The last entries were made in Washington D.C.
where I ran a workshop in the early spring. The notes I made in that notebook we
re random and chaotic and not very original. There is not much logic there, eith
er. And a lot of things changed in my life since that time. But something in tho
se notes from Washington still strikes the cord with me. I am going to publish t
hose notes here in this little book just in case I lose that notebook again. Min
dless sex with someone I do not care about emphasizes loneliness instead of inti
mate connection, and I feels used. I am not saying that casual sex is always bad
. It might be okay on the condition that you and she are pleased and most import
antly you are not ruining lives yours, hers, or that of anyone else. If I were s
ingle and saw a great woman I liked who would be suffering in her relationship,
i.e. being mistreated, I would remove her from the relationship. Ethical choices
are not given to us by our heritage, culture, etc. They are our personal choice
s. They are something we have to decide for ourselves every time anew. People wh
o create that notion of playboy lifestyle have unrealistic expectations and not
necessarily very smart. Why should I be brainwashed by people whose judgment I c
an not trust? I would ask myself, who am I, what do I really want? If I have a d
oubt, I would test it, I would not dedicate myself to something I were not sure
about. No one will punish you if you live playboy lifestyle, but it has the pote
ntial to be an addiction. A few months ago I quit smoking because it mad me mise
rable. Playboy lifestyle is more addictive, it s materialistic and makes people
lose who they are. Playboy lifestyle can lead to neurosis, to losing touch with
who you are. What a man really needs is to do is to check his values and follow
the path that leads you to the true happiness. Do not do it by the Hollywood sta
ndards or any other social standards, this is all much more personal. I am still
trying to get rid of a lot of wrong beliefs. My ideal picture of happiness in m
y romantic life is to be with one woman I truly like and have a deep spiritual c
onnection, and have kids with her and be their friend, and teach them what I kno
w. Recommended readings. Plato, because he makes people question their values. M
aterialistic values were the ones that led people to emptiness of the soul. Socr
ates was a great psychologist, because he came from the idea that happiness is b
ased on a pure soul. The soul is the one that suffers. There is a possibility of
emptiness and destroying your own soul. If you get hooked on sexual experience
you might end up being psychotic. If a guy has the power to pursue material happ

iness repeatedly, it is never perfect. One s sexual craving can never get comple
tely fulfilled. I eat it but my stomach is not full, and I feel if I eat more I
will get fulfilled. Meanwhile, my soul gets neglected. There is also a possibili
ty to remove meaning from life. There must be a higher goal than just hedonistic
enjoyment. It is a reality that a lot of fulfillment that can come from women,
but if a guy is not happy in the first place, no woman will make him feel happy.
This is why I do not believe in finding my other half. A man who looks for a wo
man to complete him is incomplete and all he can expect is a neurotic relationsh
ip. We must be complete in order to be with the other person. I would not be abl
e to handle many women, life is to precious and too short to dedicate it only to
sexual pursuits. Chapter 30

38
There is a certain disparity in the mating game. A man must initiate it. That gi
ves a woman initial advantage in power. To avoid turning the courtship into a po
wer struggle, a man has to balance the scales. That is why a man must provide a
woman with the opportunity to make the next move. Showing early sexual interest
in a woman is the main problem with many of my clients. There is the time to che
ck out her body, but in the majority of cases the approach is not that time. It
works very well for some of my friends and colleagues, but I personally find it
counterproductive to immediately emotionally open to a woman I had just met. I d
o not make myself emotionally available to her before she has deserved it. I ope
n up gradually, and make each of the steps in that process a reward to her for t
aking a step toward me. Early in the interaction, avoid bringing irrelevant gene
ric commonalities into it. Oh, I have a good friend who is from Cleveland, too!
This is stupid and irritating, and communicates a naive desire to build rapport
at any cost. Disqualify by behavior. After having sex with a woman for the first
time, and in some cases even after having sex with a woman a thousand times, do
not mention that sexual encounter next time you talk to her. Talking about it w
ould make her feel put on the spot and guilty for having sex with you, even puni
shed. Complimenting a very attractive woman on her looks on the approach has the
effect of wearing a T-shirt with a slogan, an idiot with zero social skills. Pr
ojecting sexual vibe during the day game approach and asking for a book recommen
dation is a sure way to trigger a resistance in the majority of the situations.
Imagine asking a woman about a good book she can recommend, while clutching a di
ldo. Same effect. If you go indirect, go nonsexual. Accept the risks associated
with the life you want to live. The very essence of the courtship: benefit from
the accidental. Chapter 31 Being a good communicator does not necessarily mean t
hat I have to spil the guts to someone I had just met. In fact, it might be easy
to punch through the envelope when trying too hard to build the rapport. When a
woman asks me a question I do not want to answer, I would rather gracefully avo
id answering it. I say things like"Well, how about you let me remain a little en
igmatic to you for a while?" "I would rather not go into that yet." "Let us post
pone that. Tell me-" "It is a little early for us to discuss that, but I promise
I will definitely tell you eventually when we get to know each other a little b
etter." Composure is everything. Know what you want from the interaction, but be
flexible in accepting higher goal midway. I like to communicate with women who
can handle a situation of being approached by a man. My approach is the first te
st among many I put a woman through during our interaction. On the approach I te
st and qualify her in how well she handles being approached. I prefer to take a
few moments and figure out the logistics of the group before the approach. I can
usually find out a lot about the group or a single person before I even approac
h them. For example in a bar I find it quite easy to recognize every woman who c
ame to hook up with a guy, in a bookstore or any other day game place it is easy
to recognize if a woman would not mind being courted by a man who knows how to
behave. If a woman is comfortable with the approach and receptive right after, i
t usually takes no effort to seduce her. I take the initiative to immediately ge
t out of an interaction that clearly leads nowhere. I prefer to leave such inter
action as soon as I can do it gracefully. A man who takes himself seriously is v
ery attractive to most women. A man who takes himself TOO seriously appears ridi
culous to most women. When I talk to women who were perfect strangers to me only
minutes ago, I subtly make fun of my vulnerabilities, and keep my cool. Chapter
32 I ll be brief. Nightgame during the bootcamp. 18th Street Lounge in DC. I op
en an all-female 7-set. It s one of the girl s birthday. Instead of saying "Happ
y birthday!" as probably every guy who tried to hit on her said to her tonight,
I say: "Cool, means I m in the right place. I m your birthday present!" She gigg
les. I add: "I m here to do whatever it takes to make you feel great". I say thi
s loudly, expecting her or one of the girls to be a hoop-maker. Sure enough, her
friend fires off a hoop: "Dance for her!" I say, "I don t dance, but I m going
to show her a magic trick." The friend yel s out for everyone at the table to he
ar: "Hey! He s gonna show us a magic trick!" I get myself next to the birthday g
irl. I say: "This magic trick is called "the Stolen Kiss". I m afraid it s not a

very good magic

39
trick, but I promise you l be entertained. Close your eyes." She does. I kiss he
r. Everybody is stunned. Then they crack up, including the birthday girl who is
giving me THE LOOK. I go: "Actual y, I don t know any magic tricks. But I have a
nother kind of present for you. It s a secret I would like to tell you. Lean clo
ser." She does. I kiss her. This time she is quite comfortable with the idea of
kissing me and is very willing. Takes about a minute from the approach to the ma
keout session. The tactic here is to provoke the hoop from the target or anyone
else in proximity, and then use the hoop as the justification for the kiss. Chap
ter 33 It s last November, if I m not mistaken. I run a solo bootcamp in New Yor
k, Saturday nightgame, about 2 in the morning, I m insanely tired, and so are bo
th clients. I and one of the guys are at a bar, he says, I m done for tonight, b
ut Dee, I wanna see you in action just one more time to have a high note of the
night. But I m to lazy to look for a good set, so I go after the closest target
available: a chick buying drinks a couple of feet away. "Hey, what s up?"
I guess because of being tired, my vibe was a little off, so she got somewhat de
fensive. The first words from her are: "But I m
here with my friends!" The rest was automatic. Pure Juggler method, no thinking,
just skills working for themselves without any participation of my mind. I say
"Cool, why don t you introduce me to them?" She probably didn t expect that, so
she said, "Hm... okay!" And she takes off and walks across the entire bar. I dra
g behind her, and the client follows me. To my horror I realize that the chick h
eads straight toward a set of about 30 0r 40 people partying at the farthest end
of the bar, mostly girls. I say "to my horror" not because I scared of big sets
(anyone with a bit of experience knows that those are are the easiest ones), bu
t because large sets are "sticky", and no matter how much I wanna go home I woul
d have to spend another hour there. But the client s wish is above all, so I dec
ide, let me experiment at least. So I think, why don t I escalate not with just
one person in the group, but instead escalate my way around the set. So I shake
the first chick s hand rather formally, the other one I touch on the shoulder as
I shake her hand, I put my arm around the third one, I give the forth one a hug
and kiss her one on the neck (never kiss anyone on the cheek), I turn the fifth
one around and kiss her on the lips, and then I make the sixth one stand up, I
sit on her stool, pull her on my lap and make out with her. Then I shake her off
, stand up and move to the seventh chick. Except it s not a chick. It s a dude.
And that dude stands up. And stands up. And STANDS UP. And then he continues to
stand up some more. By this time I see that he s about seven feet tall and weigh
ts something like three hundred seventy five pounds, all muscle. And he s not sm
iling. It was his girlfriend I had just made out with. So I go into the well-tra
ined pattern of behavior: when there is a dark male mass towering in front of me
, I crack a hearty grin, and generously reach out for a handshake. - "Hey man, I
m Dimitri!" - "I don t give a @#$%!" - "Pardon me?" Usually they do not repeat
but this one does: - "I said, I don t give a @#$%!" His voice sounds like a grow
l of a dog who s about to attack. But I am still not thinking, everything I say
is automatic. - "Hey, I don t give a @#$% either, Dimitri s just what my parents
called me. I d rather be called something else!" This takes him by surprise. "What do you wanna be called?" This takes ME by surprise. - "Mmmm...hmmmm... I d
on t know... aaaa... Andrey!" An awkward pause, while we both try to balance our
fight-or-flight dilemma. I guess it s time for me to say something. - "By the w
ay, I see you stand up for your women like a soldier... and you look like a sold
ier... and you have a crew cut like a soldier... I d bet you re a soldier!"

40
- "Damn right, I m a Navy SEAL lieutenant!" - "Hey man, great to meet you, I m a
Russian Air Force captain! Only I m in reserve cause I m not as young as you ar
e." The guy is totally dumbfounded now. A few seconds later: - "So you wanted to
bomb us, right? You wanted to bomb the Americans?" This one is easy. - "No, man
. Not to bomb. To shoot down. (I point at my chest) A fighter, not a bomber". An
other long pause. Finally the would-be-murderer in front of me shakes his head.
"Okay, then". But I must seal the deal. Nothing better than making a demand in s
uch case. - "I think it s about time you buy me a drink". - "Sure. We got vodka.
You Russians are into vodka, right?" - "Yep! By the way, "vodka" means "water"
in Russian". - "HAHAHAHA!" And he slaps me on the back so hard I barely manage t
o stand on my feet. So I sit down next to him and his girlfriend, and then reali
ze the client of mine who I completely forgot about is standing right here, his
jaw dropped to the floor. He is invited to join, and we spend the next two hours
getting smashed. What I like the best about that experience is that I cannot ev
en take credit for it. Whatever I did was a pure improvisation,
but it was based on the techniques and structures I ve learned from Juggler. Can
t take credit for it, but would gladly take
credit for being a damn good learner and for allowing my mind to solve the probl
em without me interfering. Whew... Nothing like a little bragging before going t
o bed. Always wanted to describe this experience in writing, and always kept for
getting. Now it s done. I wish I had stuff like that happen more often. I can t
boast I m always like that, though. Sometimes I can t talk my way out of simples
t situations. Sometimes the whole bootcamp is one endless "@#$% off" experience.
And for mercy s sake don t ask me about what conversation took place between me
and a Delaware highway patrolman last Thursday, at about five in the morning, w
hen I accidentally passed him on a motorcycle on my way to meet the private clie
nt in DC. Very embarrassing. Chapter 34 Girls are socially conditioned to think
of themselves as buyers on the meat market. I want to reverse the role and make
her feel she s a seller. I prefer to reverse the roles as early as I can. That s
why I open with: "Excuse me... I couldn t help noticing..."
ATTENTION: EXPLICIT MATERIAL
:-) I pause. She expects me to follow up with a lame line like, you and your fri
ends have great energy, or you guys are having so much fun, etc. Instead, I say:
"For the last ten minutes you were checking out my penis. What s the deal?" I s
ay it deadpan, then I crack a grin. I do it because even though it seems like a
tough thing to say, it will greatly simplify everything for me in the long run.
Or if I calibrate that she might not be receptive to the hardcore role reversal
on the opening, I reverse the roles after about a minute of conversation. I ask
her a simple questions. For example, "What s your racket?" (Whenever I find myse
lf asking a dull question, like "what do you do?" I rephrase it to make it sound
interesting). Let s say, she responds with "I m a math teacher". I immediately
say: "Oh, that means you have a lot of one-night stands!" She laughs: "Where the
hell did that come from?" All I have to do now is justify: "Well, as a math tea
cher you sure appreciate the difference between less and more. Which means, you
know that being just friends means being just friends, while being lovers means
being lovers AND friends. Hence, you have a lot of one-night stands because you
can never resist a higher offer!" I do not prepare any routines. I just use my i
magination to justify the sexual behavior I presume about her. Or if she goes, "
I am a nurse!" I go" "Oh... that means you re into sixty nine!" She laughs and g
oes, "Why?" I say: "Because as a nurse you re anatomically curious and believe i
n reciprocation!" Or she says, "I m a lawyer", and I say, "Oh... it means you li
ke it in the butt!" She cracks up completely. I aught, too, and then say, "Oh yo
u do, don t you?" She says, "Well, yeah, I kinda do, but how the @#$% is this re
lated to being a lawyer?" And I

41
say, "Well, it s very simple. Because... mmmm... ghm... Actually, I have no clue
, I ve just made it up. So how old were you when you had your first crush?" Then
I escalate. dimitri@charismaarts.com Part VIII Inner Game Chapter 35 What makes
me believe that women are attracted to me? Existential proof. My existence in t
he material world is due to the fact that my mother had been attracted to my fat
her enough to not only have sex with him but to want to have a child with him. M
y existence is the fact I have to deal with rather regularly - like 24 hours a d
ay seven days a week or something - - so it would be hard for me to ignore this
most essential proof of the fact of sexual attraction women feel toward men. Goi
ng out to meet some people I take a few minutes to meditate on the fact of my ex
istence - which is of course illusory in the idealistic sense - and yet it is im
portant for me to be able to function in the material plane, since the material
world is the world of choice and action, and my choices and my actions make me w
ho I am and thus build my soul. So I connect to the core of my existence and it
becomes something like this: Cogito ergo sum (I think, therefore I am - Descarte
s) Sum ergo sum desiderabilis (I am, therefore I am desirable - Demetrius) My ac
tual existence means that women want me. For two reasons: 1. I believe that my e
xistence is not an accident; 2. I exist in the form of an ordinary human male. O
rdinary human females (including very beautiful ones) need ordinary human males
for sex and male companionship. I fit in the category and possess the required c
haracteristics. I have what they need. There is nothing accidental about having
a romantic experience - it is an ordinary part of the existence. But there is mo
re to it. There is a higher level of connection - to my true Self. When I am con
nected to my true Self, the illusory fact of my of my birth becomes irrelevant.
What I am saying is sometimes instead of connecting to my EXISTENCE (perception
of the il usory reality) I manage to connect to my BEING (true reality). Connect
ing to my being equals being "in the moment", which means being alive NOW
- in this tiny shrinking dot on the imaginary (illusory) timeline between past a
nd present. I know that the more I shrink this dot,
the more I am bound to work miracles. I think if one day I manage to shrink this
dot real well, I will be able to step off the roof of the Empire State building
and fly. (But I suspect at this point such adventure will present itself to me
as extremely boring - because the actual fact of being in the moment ABSOLUTELY
is the ultimate adventure). When I do not care about anything that had happened
to me before and I do not give a damn about the future, when I am "drunk with no
w" - the most amazing things occur - because I am truly who I am, because I can
take any risk, because there will be no consequences, because I am immortal (dea
th is the event of the future and the future does not exist, therefore the death
does not exist) and because I had never been born (birth is the event of the pa
st, the past does not exists, therefore the birth does not exist). So when I am
in the moment, I am the immortal, ever-present being that had never been born an
d will never die. I am God. Being "in the moment" is the way to connect to God in myself. Being God is the way to go. As God, I do whatever I want with my wor
ld. Being God, I am eternal y, endlessly, absolutely beautiful. Everything in th
e world is attracted to the beauty of God. Including women. Chapter 36 Let me as
k a few open-ended questions to help someone with their inner game. If you had o
wned a socially valuable object, for example, a really fast and expensive car li
ke Ferrari or Lamborghini, or a really beautiful large piece of real estate like
an historic castle in Europe - how proud would have you been of owning it? How
much owning such object would contribute to your positive self-image and to your
self-esteem? On the scale of one to ten - in the aspect of owning something in
your life - how would it make you feel? If you had achieved something in life th
at would immediately give you enormous social status - for example, cured a dise
ase that was previously thought incurable, saved the world from hunger - or did
something simpler like having acted

42
the lead role in one of the all-time best films - and everyone you met were expr
essing their respect to you - how proud of your achievement would you have been?
In what way having unlimited social respect would contribute to your selfrespec
t? On the scale of one to ten, how would it make you feel? If your face and body
were so perfectly proportionate that you were the absolute representation of hu
man beauty - how confident would it make you? If you were that beautiful, how wo
uld your rate your physical appearance on the scale of one to ten? If you had ph
ysical beauty, social respect and the property - and were forced to choose betwe
en losing them all and losing your life or your mind - what would you choose to
loose? The conclusion is - you already have something much more valuable than th
e three assets I have mentioned in my questions. You have got yourself. And, wit
h the exception of a few people you would be eager to sacrifice your life or eve
n your soul for, you are your own most valuable thing. You are the combination o
f your mind and your body. These two things are worth much more than any motor v
ehicle or any peace of real estate, much more than any social position, no matte
r how high it is, and much more than any kind of physical appearance. So treat y
ourself with much more respect than you would treat a Ferrari, treat yourself wi
th much more respect than any social position would deserve - because you are mu
ch more valuable. And treasure the beauty of your soul much more than you would
treasure any kind of physical beauty. You are already a "10", just by the virtue
of owning a unique valuable object: yourself. Have an attitude to owing self as
if it were a car infinitely more expensive than a Ferrari, a unique prototype.
As if you were a masterpiece created by the greatest artist because that is what
you are. Carry yourself with this attitude. Expect the same kind of attitude to
ward you from others. And be calm and keep your cool in all circumstances. Knowi
ng your absolute worth, you will behave with absolute worth. This attitude is al
ready there. I had not given it to you. I only have helped you to connect to it
by asking my questions. I am sure you agree that even though people you care abo
ut might be the ones you would die for - but you do not own them. It is impossib
le to own another human being. But you do own yourself (to a maximum degree it i
s possible to own anything) - and you are not only the most important thing you
own, you are the ONLY thing that gets the closest to actually being your propert
y. So own it. Once you try this mental state out, you will find it very easy to
keep it on at all times. And it will express itself in your behavior, your choic
es, your ways of communicating, and in your relationships. Chapter 37 One thing
that had always bothered me about current situation in courtship is that we alwa
ys treat hurting the other guy as something inevitable. Well, sometimes it is, I
agree, but most of the time it isn t. It bothers me that someone always has to
suffer: me or he other guy (and if the other guy suffers, the girl will suffer,
too). Suffering is okay. We live in the world of suffering. And yet, there must
be a way to do what we must and yet to avoid causing the unnecessary pain. For m
e there is a difference between taking a woman out of a wasteland relationship t
o make her happy - and undermining her imperfect, but fully alive relationship t
o boost my ego. I always felt uneasy when I had to explain to my clients that it
s "them or the other guy". And I had always intuitively sensed that there must
be something within the Juggler Method that could be developed into a mechanism
that would help to prevent the unnecessary heartbreak. Gradually I began to real
ize that such mechanism lies within Qualification/Disqualification/Sexual Barrie
rs techniques. I ve learned form the experience that high ethical standards work
as a powerful aphrodisiac on many attractive women. I remember talking to a Rus
sian supermodel from my home town who I knew when she was a thirteen-year-old ki
d, and when I told her about my fascination with young Charles Lindbergh s moral
beauty, her eyes lit up. So I deduced that if in my conversation with a woman I
make a statement that sticking with my ethical standards are more important to
me than having sex with her, no matter how attractive I find her, this might act
ually serve as a powerful disqualification/sexual barrier. It would work well fo
r my clients who have yet to find that woman they would want to be loyal to. And
since my personal quest is to reject the temptations and to remain loyal to the
a woman I want to be with, I allow myself something otherwise not recommended i

n Juggler Method: I impose the near-impenetrable barriers. If my partner in the

interaction chooses to overcome the obstacle, well, there s stil a chance for us
to be friends. If not - she is out, thank God. At the same time, the truth is,
having been hurt by some other guys taking away my women before, I sincerely do
not want to inflict that pain on anyone if I can help it. Laugh at me if you wan
t, but I always think of the other guy. So it all comes to this: "I d like to sh
are with you something I consider important. Please listen. In you I find the in
teresting and tremendously desirable woman. I would eagerly invite you to spend
the night with me, and yet I have to think of the pain I might cause

43
to you and to a man who loves you. I believe in love, and I hate hurting the oth
er guy. Here s the deal: if you think you love your boyfriend, or even if you re
going through tough times with him these days but hope to change it in the futu
re, we cannot be anything more than just friends." And trust me, when I say it,
I mean it. No "frame control" here. I believe that seducers of the past - even t
he famous ones - when they made the statements that they couldn t care less abou
t the other guys - those seducers had only revealed their clumsiness in seductio
n. It s like a lousy doctor who cuts out the appendix and leaves the huge ugly s
car across the abdomen. Or like bombing out the entire Germany in order to get t
o one villain in hiding. I prefer modern technology: fly a few thousand miles, d
ive on the bastard, and put the missile right up his nostril. Well, okay, I admi
t this wasn t a nice analogy, but I hope you understand my point. We need to be
neat. Why cause unnecessary suffering if it can be avoided? And we must be selec
tive anyway, so why not to be selective through avoidance of causing the heartbr
eak? My rationalization is this: when I deliver my short monologue I trigger her
awareness of the wider implications of the situation. I am responsible for my c
hoices and I want her to take responsibility for hers. I would honestly rather p
refer to be friends with her - or not to know her at all - than to ruin some guy
s life for years, months, or even weeks. Or forever. I used to envy the guys wh
o broke my heart by taking my girls away from me and then dumping them after a o
ne-night stand. I wanted to be like those guys. This has changed. I don t want t
o be like them anymore. I want to be unlike them. I want to be the opposite of t
hem. I remember how it felt to be heartbroken. It was awful. And some guys are p
robably less sensitive than I was, some are more sensitive. A guy might never re
cover. He might walk through the rest of his life in shock. Or he might kill him
self. Or something I do can trigger a domino effect, and cause suffering to a lo
t of other people - his and her parents, etc. I don t want to ruin or shorten so
meone s life for the sake of my split-second pleasure. At the same time, if a wo
man consciously checks her relationship in her mind and realizes that there is n
othing that holds her there - wel , then - and only then, she s a fair game. And
then my "Boyfriend Supporter Pattern" will make her respect me and like me more
. As I ve said before, man s high ethical standards serve as a powerful aphrodis
iac for a woman. Chapter 38 I believe that the refusal to be entertaining is imp
ortant. When a man with worse-than-average communication skills meets a woman he
finds attractive, he of course wants her to reciprocate. Nothing wrong with tha
t so far. But he neglects the fact that the woman he is interested in had done a
bsolutely nothing to create the attraction in him! He is attracted to her just t
he way she is, without her investing any commitment into the interaction, just f
or her looks. By the same token, the self-esteem of that man is relatively low,
so he believes that just the way he is he is absolutely unattractive to her. So
he figures out what he needs now is to be entertaining. And he begins telling st
ories he considers spectacular. Those stories typically include explosions, fast
vehicles, money, a doze of violence, and a few sexually explicit moments from h
is past, real or imaginary. Sort of like a typical Action/Adventure Hollywood su
mmer blockbuster. I seriously suspect that most of modern Hollywood screenwriter
s and directors battle some serious self-esteem issues. It looks like those guys
believe that without explosions, fast vehicles, money, violence, and a few sexu
ally explicit moments their works would be boring. That is why there is almost n
othing else in the movie theaters except explosions, fast vehicles, money, viole
nce, and sex scenes. Such is my theory. The problem is, the woman whom our guy t
ells about explosions, fast vehicles, money, violence, and past sexual experienc
es, has heard it all before. In fact, if she fits the current social model of fe
male beauty, she has already heard from men who tried to pick her up all about e
xplosions, fast vehicles, money, violence, and their real or imaginary past sexu
al experiences, and that might have happened a few thousand times. But that woma
n is also polite. So she goes, oh, how exciting. Then she yawns. There might be
some exceptions of course. If that attractive woman have been struck with a sudd
en amnesia, she might not feel familiar with male stories about explosions, fast
vehicles, money, violence, and past sexual experiences, real or imaginary. Or s

he might be from Siberia where men in such situations talk about vodka and bear
hunting. In these two rare cases a woman might actually be impressed, even if sl
ightly confused, as in: Why is this man telling me about all those things? Then
a moment comes when she inevitably asks herself another question: What am I so i
mpressed with? Women check on their emotions at random intervals usually no long
er than a minute. Then she answers: Oh, I see! I am so impressed because that ma
n tells me about explosions, fast vehicles, money, violence, and his sexual expe
riences, which are probably imaginary. Got it! So I am not actually impressed wi
th him as a person at all. Neither am I impressed with him as a man, because he
is obviously trying to entertain me to get into my pants. I am just impressed by
his stories. What a drag. But she

44
is also polite, so she goes, oh, how exciting. Then she yawns. Damn it, sounds l
ike a no-win situation! Now what if we imagine an alternative reality in which a
woman is approached by a man of a very different kind. This new man is normal,
and he also has a secret, which tremendously boosts his confidence. So he walks
up to her and starts a conversation. What do you think he talks to her about? Ex
plosions, fast vehicles, money, violence, and past sexual experiences? Hell no!
He makes sure to secure her attention, introduces himself calmly, and then says
something along these lines: You know, today is Thursday, and every Thursday mor
ning I do my laundry. Through the week I collect quite a few items I need cleane
d. It has become a ritual. Watching them all tumble in the washer give me incred
ible peace of mind, it tells me the world is still a very safe place. What about
you, what makes you feel safe? And thus it continues. The man escalates subtly,
and as he does, he progresses from boring topics to really boring to extremely
boring one: I am addicted to brushing my hair. I actually have a favorite hairbr
ush I would never share with anyone. Every time I run it through my hair it send
s shivers down my spine. Tell me, what has a similar effect on you? And the woma
n asks herself: Why do I feel so attracted to this man? He talks about unbelieva
bly boring stuff, and yet I feel like I know him so well. He is so real. I like
his lips. What is going on?! This guy is so fascinating. Not his stories, becaus
e he sure is not like all those other guys who just try to entertain. The man hi
mself is so interesting. What is his secret? Oh. I get it. It must be chemistry.
So this is how it feels to be in love at first sight! And then our man shifts t
o the highest gear of escalation, and deploys the heavy artillery of boring: POL
ITICS. Politics works wonders when delivered with the proper vibe: "I feel parti
cularly fascinated with the female members of the Parliament of the United Kingd
om. I must admit, I do not understand British without the closed captions, but e
ven just by looking at them, those gals totally kick ass. I mean, arse. What a s
tyle. I think the Brits should start distributing the videos of their Parliament
sessions, now those would raise huge enthusiasm of the electorate!" And so on,
all the way to the weather talk, tel me, what does the shape of that cumulus clo
ud make you think of? Definitely not the Action/Adventure genre. Probably more l
ike a Romantic Comedy. Just the kind of genre that brings men and women together
. Chapter 39 I used to work as an assistant conductor in one of the largest oper
a theaters in the world. One of our lead conductors seemed to have lacked every
characteristic necessary for being a successful professional musician in any bra
nch of music, to say nothing of being a conductor, which requires the most thoro
ugh knowledge of every single element of music. And yet, he was a conductor, and
as a conductor he fared better than anyone in that theater. The instrumentalist
s in the orchestra and the singers and dancers on stage all trusted and loved hi
m. That guy and I were friends, having studied conducting from the same professo
r who we called simply the Maestro. I asked my friend once how did he make it al
l happen for him. And he told me his story. In his late teens and early twenties
he was a soldier in the Russian Special Forces. Most of his time in the militar
y he was involved in severe physical training, and the considerable everyday par
t of this training was the exercise of crashing bricks with the head. I suppose,
Russian commandos are not required to be able to think much. Anyway, after havi
ng broken one of those bricks, my friend was visited by a very strange idea. He
suddenly realized that he did not want to be a commando any more. He wanted to b
ecome an opera conductor. Unfortunately, there was a long wait till he could be
discharged. After his discharge a year later, he went to a conservatory of music
and told someone he wanted to become a musician, but had no clue where to start
. He didn t know musical notation, had not really have any ear for music, and hi
s voice was rather mediocre. And yet somehow he emotionally blackmailed his way
into the choral conducting and singing class, where he was a dreadful student fo
r the next five years. He found a construction worker job at the opera theater,
than gradually made his way up to a position of a prompter. He earned some extra
money by copying the opera scores by nights. Thus he learned by heart every sin
gle score in the theater library. He also became friends with every singer and e
very instrumentalist in the theater. He asked them questions about the

45
music they performed, and kept a journal where he wrote everything he learned fr
om them. He continued studying choral conducting in the conservatory of music, a
nd every now and then the singers began asking him to conduct during the small g
roup rehearsals. Somehow imperceptibly it became his additional official duty. T
hen his five years of study ended - and he immediately went back to the same con
servatory of music, only this time he signed up for the classes with the most fa
mous and unapproachable professor there, the Maestro, the genius of conducting w
ho tyrannically ruled one of the best symphony orchestras in Russia. The Maestro
hated my friend, but the problem was he just could not get rid of him. My frien
d was stalking the Maestro and asked and asked and asked endless questions. It w
ent on for another five years. And then for another two years of the postgraduat
e studies. All through great pain. And I forgot to mention that my friend had a
wife he loved and two kids. And that one day his wife had enough of this musical
obsession, and left him, and took the children with her, and broke his heart. B
y that time my friend had left the opera theater where he knew everyone, and fou
nd a badly paid job as a conductor in a small-time musical theater, where he wor
ked for two years. It was a small theater indeed, but it was the opportunity to
conduct an orchestra every night. Then one day he got a phone cal from the theat
er where he used to work as a handyman and a prompter. They had a job of an assi
stant conductor available, would he be interested? Well, it so happened that he
was. And then three years later he got promoted, and became the ful time opera c
onductor. The quest lasted eighteen years, from the moment he broke that brick a
gainst his head. This is what my friend told me, I might be mediocre at everythi
ng, but if there is one thing I know I have mastered, it is WAITING. It has been
ten years since my friend and I had that conversation. He still conducts operas
in that theater. Whenever he is not busy performing music all over the world. C
hapter 40 I tried that method first myself in Boston during one of the recent Ch
arm Schools, and it worked very well. I then began teaching it to our clients, a
nd was impressed with how quickly they became the masters of the touch. The key
to this exercise is to never touch a woman more than once on the same spot of he
r body, unless she is not very receptive and you feel you have to pull back a li
ttle. Here is the sequence of the now notoriously effective Boston Physical Esca
lation. Begin by touching a woman with the back of your hand on her forearm, as
in classic Juggler Method. Or if she is seated, you can begin by touching her on
the outside of her thigh. Then proceed with the following. Hand on the shoulder
. Hand on the back below the neck. Arm around her shoulders. Hand on the middle
of her back. Hand on the small of her back. Arm around her waist. Hold your hand
on her neck for some time. Hand on her buttock. Kiss. There are a few additiona
l, optional spots. For example you can rub her shoulders, or her back, or massag
e her feet if you can reach them without freaking out her friends, or hold her h
and, put your hand on he knee, or touch her belly. Add them to main structure to
your liking. But even without those additions you will be able to escalate the
touch very effectively if you follow the simple main structure I had delineated
above. Please keep in mind that touching should be very well calibrated, and it
takes somewhat longer to physically escalate an interaction than to read the des
cription of the Boston Physical Escalation, especially when it is applied for th
e day game in public places. Chapter 41 The ultimate mastery in any human craft
comes from the opposite side of that craft. For example, the ultimate mastery of
the art of war is winning without fighting. The ultimate mastery in painting co
mes when the painter rejects his technical skills and paints with his heart. The
ultimate mastery of the art of conversation lies in silence. The ideal rapport
is when the two people gaze at the eyes of each other, not saying a word. The id
eal conversation is nonverbal.

46
We can create a situation when the nonverbal conversation takes place almost imm
ediately after we approach a
stranger. All we have to do is just speak your mind, I do not feel like talking
at all tonight, and for some reason you seam like
a person who I would feel really comfortable being silent with; let us spend a m
inute or two in silence. Of course she might say no. She is in charge of her rea
lity and has a choice to accept or reject the offer. And yet, she might say yes.
In this case, we will not have to waste any effort for building rapport, becaus
e the rapport is a given. Listening while being spoken to is another application
of silence. Do not smile. Do not break tension. Tension equals rapport. You do
not have to know a lot about many topics. Not knowing is better than knowing for
having a conversation. Tel her you do not know much about her area of expertise
, and ask her to teach you what you must know. She will be speaking. You will be
listening in silence. Just give her a smile and touch her gently to make her fe
el good about her knowledge and sharing it. When she asks you a question, ask he
r how she would answer it. Listen earnestly. Hold her hand. Less is more. Minimu
m effort gets maximum result. Make sure to keep your statements concise. When yo
ur statements are short, hers are long and elaborate, allowing you to know more
about her. If you violate that principle and make longish statements, you discov
er her just nodding and saying yes or no. You want to find out more about her. Y
ou want her to WANT to find out more about you. Keep your statements concise, an
d you will achieve both. Chapter 42 The innocent is not afraid of the punishment
. The stronger is not afraid of the punishment. Be innocent and act like you are
stronger, and there is no way for you to get punished. Men who feel guilty for
having sexual interest in a woman on the approach act defensively, they mentally
run away after the approach. Men who feel week on the approach act defensively,
they mentally guard themselves after the approach. Men who accept the fact that
there is no guilt in wanting sex, men who realize and believe that they deserve
sex simply because they were born into the two-sex species, the ones that know
that sex is their right, ARE innocent. Men who know that as men they ARE stronge
r, and therefore should act from the position of emotional and physical generosi
ty, such men cannot be afraid of women. They are stronger and therefore project
positive attitude and positive expectations. A woman welcomes a man who acts str
ong and innocent. A man who behaves undefended, and demonstrates positive confid
ence generates natural curiosity in almost any woman. Chapter 43 Here s a brief
list of body language challenges and solutions: 1. Rattlehead I ve noticed that
a lot of men who are naturally good conversationalists have a habit of jerking t
heir heads non-stop in a series of fast vigorous moves. I know I do that quite o
ften, to the disastrous results, because this uncontrolled continuous movement i
s awfully distracting to the people I talk to - women or men. Rattlehead has two
versions: a) Sharp, fast head movements; b) Smooth, fast undulating head moveme
nts. A solution: I make sure that my head doesn t move when I speak most of the
time. If I need to emphasize something I say with a nod, tilt of my head, or any
other head movement, I do my best to make the movement slow and smooth. 2. Tors
o Lock For some reason this is a challenge of choice among many slender men. Hav
e you seen a skinny guy who doesn t move his upper body as he walks? Are you one
of them? I definitely used to be like this, but I got horribly overweight, and
the problem had disappeared. Often such guy is quite relaxed, but because his bo
dy doesn t rotate around the natural axis that goes through the spine, he create
s an impression of being incredibly tense. A solution: learn the "fat man walk"
a.k.a. "tired man walk". Make it a conscious habit until it becomes completely n
atural. If you want to see an example, rent "Rain Man" and compare the gait of C
harlie Babbit with that of his brother Raymond Babbit when they walk next to eac
h other. Raymond is the guy with the mild case of a torso lock, while Charlie, b
eing relatively slim, exhibits the perfect "fat man walk", creating an impressio
n of total confidence and nonchalant selfsufficiency (a$$hole as he is). 3. Stra
ight Arms Lock Often comes together with the torso lock. Guys who walk with thei
r arms seemingly attached to the sides of their pants you know the type. Looks v

ery creepy. A solution: fling your arms slightly around your body while walking.
NOT TOO MUCH! It s a part of the "fat man walk",

47
"Rain Man" is still a good example. 4. Bent Arm Lock A defense mechanism: the in
stinctive attempt to protect the chest, belly, throat, or other vital organs. So
metimes isn t apparent as a habit, and suddenly kicks in in the presence of some
one intimidating: an overwhelmingly beautiful woman or an overwhelmingly burly o
r dominating man. In such cases the man who does this this isn t usually aware o
f doing it. Often disguised as a quasi-comfortable way to hold a drink. Solution
s: a) Hold your drink from above; b) Every now and then consciously relax your a
rm if it tends to creep up toward your chest;
c) Keep your arms behind your back, Bruce Lee style, while talking to tough men
and hot women when you and they are
standing; d) Train yourself to keep your arms along the sides of your trousers w
hile talking to people when you and they are standing; e) This one is the best:
use your arms to do something meaningful - for example, touching a woman you are
talking to. 5. Fists in the Pockets EVERYONE does that. It s all James Dean s f
ault. This is moderately acceptable if it s casual, but holding your hands in yo
ur pockets all the time does project the image of insecurity. Solutions: a) Just
don t do it; b) Sew your pockets closed (and don t fall into a Bent Arm Lock te
mptation). Worked for me; c) Pin your pockets closed while you re out on a proll
. 6. Windmill Arms Excessive gesturing. Has two variations: a) Wide, smooth, fas
t movements (that s how you spill your red wine on her white blouse); b) Sharp,
abrupt movements (these convey aggression, and in combination with some body roc
king will make you look as if you re feinting in order to punch her in the face)
; Solution: treasure your gestures. Only use them to emphasize the most importan
t points of what you re saying. Do it in a smooth, relaxed, slow fashion, as if
your hands and arms move through water. 7. Body Rocking Whether accepted and adv
ocated by somje of the leading "pick-up" companies or not, this often uncontroll
ed type of movement in reality more often than not conveys nervousness, and effe
ctively irritates the hell out of whoever you re speaking with. I know what I m
talking about cause I used to do that for quite a while. This particular quirk
has several curious variations: a) Plain rocking; b) Undulating snake-like movem
ents of the whole body; c) Sexual act-like movements while standing (I saw two g
uys doing it in two ways: 1) smooth, and 2) fast and abrupt. First version looks
extremely sleazy, second one is hilarious and very embarrassing. Neither of the
guys was aware of doing that!) Solution: Stand up firmly on your feet, make a c
onscious effort to be erect (do I really have to say that no pun is intended?) 8
. Legs Lock Walking on the unbending legs. This problem is related to the Torso
Lock and Arms Lock, and often accompanies them. A solution: the "fat man s walk"
. See "Rain Man". 9. Bent Legs Lock (Squat Walk) This one is the gem of my colle
ction: walking with the knees permanently half-bent, Groucho Marx style. Often c
omes together with severe slouch. Solutions: a) Five - ten minutes of walking ar
ound on the unbending legs (as in Legs Lock) could be a healthy way of becoming
aware of the difference - and of the challenge; b) "fat man s walk". 10. The Hun
chback of Notres Dames Slouching. One of the worst things to have. Solution: ima
gine being pulled up by your hair. Hold yourself like that. 11. Frisky Fingers T
apping on the tabletop or grabbing objects shows her how nervous you are. And ye
t, if you stop doing this, you will stop being nervous.

48
Solution: stop doing this! Move the glass or the ash tray further from you on th
e table so you cannot reach it. Fold the napkin and place it on the table. Etc.
12. Leg Shake A lot of guys do it when they sit next to a woman at the table. Th
is fast rhythmical movement not only shakes the table and telegraphs nervousness
, but also makes her think that you actually would very much like to use a urina
l but are too shy to do so. Solution: root the heel of your shoe firmly in the f
loorboards. Chapter 44 One of the exercises I often practice with my private cli
ents is the conversational exercise that enables my clients to to disarm and cha
nnel away any Resistance Phrase if it occurs in a conversation with a woman. I t
hrow a random "Resistance Phrase" to a client, and request a positive response w
ithin a few seconds. What s a "Resistance Phrase"? It is a phrase that a woman u
tters as a form of resistance to the actions or words of a man who escalates the
interaction with her. Examples: I: Hey, I m Dimitri. What s your name? She: I h
ave a boyfriend! (this is the Resistance Phrase) I: Hey, I m Dimitri, what s you
r name? She: I don t like to be touched. (Resistance Phrase) I: Hey, I m Dimitri
, what s your name? She: Don t bother us, we re having girl s talk! (Resistance
Phrase) I: Hey, I m Dimitri -She: I don t care! (Resistance Phrase) Other exampl
es: "I m engaged!" "I m a lesbian!" "We are having a conversation here!" "Go tal
k to someone else!" "Please don t bother me!" "Please go sit somewhere else!" "D
o we know you?" "Why are you talking to us?" "We don t know you. You are being r
ude". "Why are you asking me? Why don t you ask a sales clerk instead?" "We are
busy. Thanks, though" "We hadn t seen each other for a long time. Do you mind?"
"Leave us alone!" "We don t want to talk to you!" "We don t like you. Please lea
ve NOW!" "May be you should try your luck with someone else" "I m waiting for my
boyfriend" "This room is full of people. Why me?" "I m not looking for a boyfri
end" "Please don t even bother" "Don t talk to me"

49
"I don t want to talk to anyone right now but please feel free to come back late
r" "My boyfriend is coming back and he will kill you" "Who are you?" "Take your
hand off my arm" "Go talk to that woman over there. She s available" "I will not
have sex with you, so don t waste your time" "Don t even think of it" "You are
creepy. Walk away". "Get out of my face". "What? Oh... No, no, no!" "What? -- Wh
at? -- What? -- What? -- ..." etc. "What do you want from us?" "Ghoyfknik oyg gr
umbdhum bduh bduh ogh" (Response in gibberish) "We don t speak English" (said wi
th the perfect New England accent, or with the fake Zimbabvian accent) "You are
very nice... but I don t give a damn" "Buy me a drink". "Stop hitting on me". "I
will call security". "Yes, sure, sure. I ve heard it all". "I like your approac
h. Now let s see your departure". "You are ugly". "You have bad breath". "You fi
nished? Dismissed". "All men are dogs". "Oh no, not another one! What s the matt
er with them today?" "Yes, thank you. Now you may leave". "We ll call you if we
need something". "Excuse ME! Look closer! Do I have "fuck me" written on my fore
head?" "This sit is taken. Go away". "I ll scream if you say another word" "Is t
his all? Do you have anything else to add? I didn t think so". (turns away) "We
are going to a bathroom" (none of them leaves) "Let s make a deal: you don t tal
k to us, we don t talk to you. Okay?" "I m here with my friends, and you are int
ruding". "You are INTERRUPTING!" "This is very rude!" "You are not welcome here"
. "I am married with ten kids. Get lost". "I have HIV, okay? Please leave". "I h
ate it when people talk to me." "Will you leave?" "Have you considered wearing B
udweiser as perfume?" "Don t talk to me" "Oh, don t start". "What s that?!" (fol
lowed by silence and hard eye contact) "You are ridiculous! What s the matter wi
th you?" "Your fly is unzipped"

50
"What a lousy pick-up line." This is a private party. Go over there". "Would yo
u like a drink? Well, you re not getting one here. Go away". "No, this is my sea
t. That one s mine, too." "Sorry, no drink - no talk". "I m from out of town and
I leave tonight". "No chance." (followed by the dismissing gesture)
"BUSY!"
"Oh my God! You re so sweet! F*ck off!" "So what?" "Why should I care?" As you s
ee from my example, and perhaps know from own experience, some women are quite i
nventive with their Resistance Phrases. It is my opinion that a man who tries to
stay in the interaction no matter what would inevitably run a risk of being per
ceived and perceiving himself as needy. However, a graceful response before leav
ing politely would make such man impervious to heartbreak. I would like to encou
rage you, my reader, to proactive improvising multiple different responses to ea
ch of the Resistance Phrases I had provided in this chapter. I would like to giv
e you an example of what this exercise might look like. Let s take the most comm
on Resistance Phrase: "I have a boyfriend". I would like to emphasize that I am
not talking about the scenario when a woman says "I have a boyfriend" as the res
ponse to your question about her relationship situation. I am describing here th
e event when a girl rubs her having a boyfriend into your face a moment after yo
u said "Hi", or at any other point of a conversation when such information is cl
early intended to block the possibility of any escalation. So... "I have a boyfr
iend!" I think the healthy response to this line should come from the psychologi
cal place of understanding that a woman might have a number of motivations to sa
y it - and that the motivation is not present in the words. Since the motivation
is not present in the words, I can read any motivation into those words - and t
hat includes the one that would work to my advantage. Obviously, quite often "I
have a boyfriend" line is motivated by the sexual presumption mechanism: a woman
presumes that if I talk to her, I am hitting on her. However, I choose to inter
pret her words as if they were motivated by her desire to seek my approval. I in
terpret "I have a boyfriend!" similarly to how I would interpret a guy tel ing m
e "I have a BMW". Or, to put it differently, there s always subtext behind words
. I operate on a level of the subtext. When a woman says to me "I have a boyfrie
nd!" she might or might not mean "I know that you are making yourself sexually a
vailable to me by seeking sex with me but I am not sexually available to you bec
ause I am sexually available to another, more dominant man who you should envy a
nd fear" - but I choose to interpret her words as if the subtext were "I want to
impress you by boasting that I am socially accepted enough to have a man who is
interested in me sexually". A few examples: "I have a boyfriend!" - "Why, I m i
mpressed!" "I have a boyfriend!" - "No kidding!" "I have a boyfriend!" - "Who wo
uld ve thought? I mean, duh!" "I have a boyfriend!"- "Sorry... I m not sure if I
understand the principle..." (Credit - one of my recent clients) "I have a boyf
riend!" - "Hey, we re talking for only thirty seconds and you re already trying
to make me jealous!" "I have a boyfriend!" - "I would be truly surprised if you
hadn t!" (Credit: another client) "I have a boyfriend" - "Define "boyfriend!" I
find it important not to get stuck waiting for her response to my response. Proc
eed immediately with the I statement and/or Open-Ended Question. Like this: "I h
ave a boyfriend!" - "You could sound a little more enthusiastic. So, one thing I
enjoy the most is a wel -done crusty barbecue with lemon and a flask of brandy
by the campfire after a long day of flying. Now let s talk about you. What s you
r bliss?" (Last week s private client) "I have a boyfriend!" - "And I have a ham
ster. Now why don t we quit bragging about our prized possessions and have a nor
mal talk like two intelligent human beings? My idea of fun is making short home
movies. What about you?"

51
"I have a boyfriend!" - "Great. It means, you probably won t try to get into my
pants too soon. Now as we got sex out of the way, have a normal conversation wit
h me, will you? I like motorcycles and art history. What normal topics do you en
joy talking about?" "I have a boyfriend!" - "From what you ve just said I can de
duce that you re either straight or bisexual. Duly noted. But I am not yet ready
to talk with you about sex. How about we discuss something less intimate first
and see where it can gradual y take us?" "I have a boyfriend!" - "Oh, I am happy
to oblige by acting shocked and panic-stricken. Such a waste! And yet I suppose
I must not let myself sink in misery, I shall endure and press on. So, when it
comes to choosing drinks, what are your criteria?" "I have a boyfriend"- "Yeah,
and I guess it makes you a grown-up girl after all. Congratulations. Now that we
got that obligatory "boyfriend" line out of the way, a hope stil remains one mi
ght have a normal talk with you". "I have a boyfriend!" - "No you don t! Don t g
et me wrong, I do believe there is a man who finds you attractive and has a rela
tionship with you, but you do not HAVE him. It s impossible to own a human being
". "I have a boyfriend!"- "Thank God, it means you re probably normal. Please do
not disappoint me. So --" etc. "I have a boyfriend!" - "What s new about that?
Anyway -- " etc. "I have a boyfriend!"- "Tragic. I was warned it might happen. S
o, as I was saying -- " etc. "I have a boyfriend!" - "It s okay. We ll be discre
et." (Credit: Rob; I personally consider this a classic) "I have a boyfriend!" "Outstanding! Why don t you give me your phone number while your boyfriend is n
ot around?"
"I have a boyfriend!" - "I m devastated. By the way, I ve spent the entire day t
oday looking for free AOL installation software
all over Manhattan, and I couldn t find any. So I expressed my frustration to an
AOL manager over the phone, and guess what - I m getting free Internet access f
or the next year. What was your day like?" "I have a boyfriend!" - "Point taken.
So, as I was saying --" "I have a boyfriend!" - "It s okay. I believe you. You
don t have to prove anything to me. Please remind me what the hell was I taking
about? Ah yes, I remember --" "I have a boyfriend!" - "I sympathize. But please
let me finish. I remember we talked about --" "I have a boyfriend" -"And I most
certainly hope he keeps you active. Yesterday when I was running on a treadmill
--" "I have a boyfriend!" - "Sorry I forgot my snappy retort to that one... So I
guess I ll just have to break down sobbing instead. Boo-hoo! Happy now? Got a C
leanex for me? Anyway --" "I have a boyfriend!" - "I find it sexy about you! By
the way --" "I have a boyfriend!" - "I like that about you. Incidentally --" "I
have a boyfriend!" - "Hey, you ve just trigged a HUGE inferiority complex in me!
Who s the best shrink you can recommend? So, as I was saying --" "I have a boyf
riend!" - "That sounds like a high-quality problem. So, as I was saying --"
"I have a boyfriend!" - (I look around, indicating subtle embarrassment, then le
an in to her, and whisper in her ear) "You are
being very direct. I am not sure if it is appropriate in current circumstances".
And so on. The point of the exercise is not to memorize all the possible respon
ses, but to develop the natural effortless ability to shrug away any Resistance
Phrase and have a choice of either continuing the conversation or cutting it sho
rt and leaving. And remember: the Resistance Phrase is the sign of the lack of c
ommunicational elegance, so by channeling it away you help your partner in the c
onversation to be more graceful. dimitri@charismaarts.com Part IX How to Begin a
Conversation With a Woman Chapter 45 First thing you want to figure out is one
of the two possible mindsets a stranger might be in. Those two mindsets are soci
able and unsociable. Sociable mindset is often associated with the so called nig
htgame. Unsociable mindset, correspondingly, with the daygame. Such association
is not entirely correct. Ever met a haughty, uptight woman who looks sulky and g
uarded in a middle of otherwise cheerful and happy crowd of people in a bar or a
nightclub? It is a night time, all right, but that woman is in a highly unsocia
ble mindset. Yes, she is in that bar, but meeting and communicating with strange
rs is probably the last thing on her mind. May be she had just

52
learned some extremely unpleasant news. Or she just broke up with her boyfriend.
Or she is one of those rare girls who, unfortunately, receives her validation f
rom hurting men. Whatever the reason is, it is quite easy to recognize the unsoc
iable mindset in any person during the nightgame. A woman immersed in her colleg
e homework in a cafe or the one living in a fictional reality of the last part o
f Harry Potter series in a bookstore would be a good example of the unsociable m
indset of the relatively unsociable mindset during the daygame. On the other han
d, a couple of excitedly laughing bikini-clad girls on the lawn in the middle of
New York Central Park or Union Square would be no less open to meeting a charis
matic stranger than as though they were in a bar, because they are in the sociab
le mindset You can recognize that mindset in the daytime by how easy it is to ma
ke eye contact with such girls and how animated they are. Clearly, in most cases
bars and clubs are filled with people in a sociable mindset. The important thin
g to realize is that sociable and unsociable mindset do not replace each other i
n people as if by a turn of on-and-off switch. In fact, there is a very gradual
scale of sociability from completely unsociable on the verge of autistic to frig
hteningly sociable when you wish it was not that in-your-face. The skill of reco
gnizing the sociability level in each particular person before you approach them
is incredibly easy to master. Simply give yourself a few moments to observe the
m, and it will become clear for you how open they might be to interacting with y
ou. Remember that after you begin the conversation with them, you are in the par
tial control of their sociability level. You can make that person more sociable
by building rapport. You can even choose the form of sociability for them, for e
xample you can lead the conversation in such way that they will become more open
to you while ignoring everyone else around them, or you can steer the conversat
ion into acknowledging everyone else and getting them involved also. It is highl
y important to assess the sociability level of the person you are about to appro
ach, because the particular method you are going to use to begin the conversatio
n depends almost entirely on how open they are to the idea of having a conversat
ion with you. Unsociable mindset does not mean anything bad. It simply means tha
t you will have to use the specific technique for opening people in the unsociab
le mindset. It is not harder to do when you know the principles, it is just diff
erent. Chapter 46 The difference in tactic between beginning a conversation with
people in sociable and unsociable mindset is that the unsociable mindset requir
es one extra step. This step is very simple, but it calls for a bit of explanati
on. Quite a bit of explanation. The problem with the unsociable mindset is that
the attention of a person you want to engage is occupied by something other than
you. To be able to begin a conversation with them, you will need to get their a
ttention. So the extra step when dealing with the people in the unsociable minds
et is GETTING THEIR ATTENTION before you begin the interaction. Correction: you
will need to get their attention without scaring them out of their wits. By far
one of the worst things you can do upon approaching a stranger whose mind is foc
used entirely on some inner reality is to position yourself behind them and touc
h them veeeryyy liiiightlyyyy on the their neck, next to where the artery goes u
p toward the brain. Imagine someone doing that to you. Such approach would jolt
nearly anyone out of whatever their mind is busy with, but it would take a champ
ion of recovery to have a decent conversation after that. Second worst way of ge
tting the attention of a busy stranger is this. Place yourself anywhere out of t
heir field of vision but right next to them, as close to their ear as you can, a
nd loudly clear your throat, GHM-GHM! Then watch them hit the ceiling. I am givi
ng these examples of what not to do so we can figure out what to do. So it is ob
vious that you have to make yourself visible before you make yourself audible or
kinesthetically sensed. If a person hears you without seeing you first, or if y
ou touch them, especially on some physically vulnerable part of their body befor
e they are aware of their presence, their mind will presume that you present the
threat to their life. Unfortunately, we are all animals. At the same time, even
though the goal is to make yourself visible, you should not block their field o
f vision and their potential escape route. This is why it rarely wise to positio
n yourself directly in front of a woman you had just approached, facing her. If

a woman who is the unsociable mindset is already aware of your presence, and kno
ws that you do not constitute any physical threat, you may safely tough her to g
et her attention. For example, if you are behind her in a line in a coffee shop,
and she saw you getting in the line, it would feel normal if you get her attent
ion by touching her upper arm with the back of your hand. She already knew you w
ere there, her mind had already assessed the possible threat and qualified it as
minimal, so she would let you engage her.

53
However, if a woman is not aware of your presence, first you have to make her aw
are, and to give her mind a second or two to make sure you are not a threat. In
such case you will have to make yourself visible.
The solution for attraction the attention of someone who is not yet aware of you
r presence and is in the unsociable mindset
is to make them aware of your presence by placing something in their peripheral
vision. The best and most natural thing to place in their peripheral vision is y
our cock. Probably not. Just checking if you are paying attention. The best and
most natural thing to place in their peripheral vision is your hand. A hand is a
wonderful communication device. Using only gestures and eye contact, you can ch
arm the pants off a girl whose language you do not speak, as my friend Rob the I
rresistible recently proved. And one important thing to consider is that you wan
t to communicate to them that you want to communicate to them. A hand is very go
od for that. It all leads me to the specific technique that I had already descri
bed in a number of articles. It would be really easy to show and really hard to
explain in words, but I will try. Do this for me. With your hand palm downward,
extend your arm forward until there is about 45-degree angle between your forear
m and your upper arm. Then turn your hand palm upward, with your index and middl
e finger semi-open, and the rest of your fingers relaxed. I know this is a hell
of a way to describe a very natural and commonly used gesture, but how else coul
d I have described it? Think of it as a I-have-something-to say gesture or a wha
t-do-you-think gesture. Among us Charisma Arts East Cost guys we call it a hand
flip. A hand flip seems to be a universally human nonverbal signal for engaging
another human in an interaction. The good things about the hand flip is that it
replaces the inner question, what the hell do I say to her, with the reassuring
inner statement, I know just what to DO. I know that when I see a girl I like I
will throw my hand, palm upward, into her peripheral vision, and I know that wil
l open the interaction. To illustrate that, imagine a situation. You are in a mu
seum, and you see a woman who is examining a huge canvas painted by Rembrandt or
Velasquez. To begin a conversation with her, all you have to do is place yourse
lf next to that woman, looking at the painting, than hand flip her, and ask, wha
t do you think? You can even go completely nonverbal. Hand flip, she makes eye c
ontact, you keep eye contact, she goes, yes? By that time your mind will put som
e words into your mouth. If not, I will tell you just what to say in any possibl
e situation. Chapter 47 Some of the stuff I put in this part of the book might s
eem a little complex, but it is not. If it appears complex, it is because I suck
as a writer. Things I am talking about are not rocket science, nothing esoteric
, this is no high level psychology or philosophy, just plain common sense. So co
mmon sense tells me, to help you guys to begin conversations with strangers, wit
h ANY stranger of your choosing, ANY time you want it, in ANY situation, to help
you to do that I gotta make it completely safe for you in case something goes t
erribly wrong. And I can do just that. I am going to give you some techniques to
fix a screwed-up approach. If you know how to recover and have a conversation n
o matter what was your first impression like, you will feel pretty safe, I can g
uarantee you that. But before I teach you those extremely primitive techniques f
or making any conversation safe, let me digress a little into an autobiographica
l story. And as much as I enjoy telling people about me, this story has a point
related to the topic of this article, starting conversations with perfect strang
ers. The story I am about to tell is a little long. I came to US roughly seven y
ears ago, hoping to make it big as a creative writer. I had a couple of master d
egrees in classical music under my belt, I knew how to fly planes, I was good wi
th motorbikes, I had some connections in the high society, I was young, I felt l
ike Tony Montana when he got himself that mansion. Then I ran out of money. That
was how I found myself one day, six and a half years ago, driving an eighteen-w
heeler across Manhattan. My very first day at work as a truck driver. And by the
way, I never had much chance to drive anything on more than two wheels back whe
re I came from. Riding a motorcycle, yes. Flying a plane, OH YES! Driving, no. S
o here I am, dragging a fifty-tree-feet long trailer along East Seventeenth, app

roaching Union Square. And there is some kind of public event on the Union Squar
e, the place is crowded like hell, and a lot of cops around. And there is a poli
ce van parked on the left side of my street near the intersection, and another o
ne parked on the left side. And I can see a

54
bunch of blue uniforms inside the vans, and there are some people inside the uni
forms. I tell myself, whatever you do, make sure not to touch the vans with the
trailer. As soon as I say that, KABOOM, I hear horrible scraping sound from the
left, I freak out, jerk the steering wheel to the right, and hear identical scra
ping sound from the right. I hit the brakes, stall the engine, and block the ent
ire intersection with the truck. I look into the left mirror and I see a side an
d a roof of a police van FALLING OFF. I look into the right mirror, and by a cur
ious coincidence, I see the same thing happening to the other van. And interesti
ngly enough, when I get to see the insides of the vans clearly, I realize that a
ll the forty or so police officers I had just deprived of the roofs over their h
eads happen to be females. Now imagine for a second twenty girls in a van talkin
g peacefully about, uh, about whatever twenty girl cops might be talking about w
hen they are stuck together in a van for an hour. Britney Spears may be, I have
no idea. And then they look around and, hop-la, the wall and the roof is gone! A
nd twenty more of them going through the same experience. Of course the girls go
t a little, well, a little excited. I mean, I do not blame them. I was anxious t
o see how well they were taking the new experience, so I got out of the truck. T
hat was a mistake. I had no lack of women explaining to me why it was a mistake,
and you better believe me, I heard them very well. The problem was, I did not s
peak a lot of English back then. And all the drivers behind my truck start honki
ng. You know how they do it in New York. Stick your elbow into the horn and hold
. Then my dispatcher calls me on the radio. The scene reminded me of those clima
ctic moments in Quentin Tarantino movies, when all the good bad guys and bad bad
guys are pointing guns at each other from all angles, shouting at the top of th
eir lungs, and then a cel phone rings in a pocket of one of them, that sort of t
hing. Heya reader, I know I am pushing my luck here, risking to lose your attent
ion, but it just felt like a perfect moment to have a little cutaway. Seriously
though, stay with me, the story does have a relevant point! So the tension grows
, ready to explode, I know I am about to get riddled with bullets. Then this guy
in a three-piece suit shows up, gets the female cops to look at him, and points
at the sidewalks. The girls group on both sidewalks and begin chatting among th
emselves, like nothing happened. The three-piece-suit guy steps toward me, touch
es my shoulder, and says, are you okay? I nod. I did not even say anything, but
he immediately slows down his speech. He ASSUMED I did not speak English! SUIT G
UY: Where. Are. You. From? ME: Siberia. SUIT GUY: Everything. Is. Okay. Understa
nd? ME: Yes. SUIT GUY: No. One. Is. Hurt. No. One. Goes. To. Jail. Understand? M
E: Yes. SUIT GUY: This. City. Has. Plenty. Of. Police. Vans. You. Will. Not. Pay
. For. The. Ones. You. Wrecked. Understand? ME: Yes. SUIT GUY: Welcome. To. Amer
ica. ME: Thank. You. He smiled and walked away. A few minutes later I was off to
deliver my cargo, musing on what I could learn from the experience. Here is wha
t I learned. I should not drive trucks. Okay, I did learn something else, too. W
ell, the suit guy assessed the situation immediately. He figured out what was go
ing on in my mind, what negative expectations I had that prevented me from funct
ioning rationally. Using only a few words and one touch he neutralized all of my
negative expectations by directly addressing them. It was unbelievable how calm
I felt less than a minute after being in the midst of a Mexican standoff with f
orty cops. Now let me get back to the main topic. What the hell was I talking ab
out? Oh yes, beginning conversations with strangers. Making it safe. To make it
safe you will probably have to have a default bail-out technique. Like, if a con
versation goes horribly wrong, you would know what to say to get your ass out of
it and to save your face. First technique. Justify your departure. Instead of s
aying, uh, mmm, ergh, well, nice seeing you, and walking away, say something lik
e this, hey, I am going to grab a cup of coffee in a Starbucks over there, would
you like to join me? No? Too bad. Well, no problem, have a very pleasant aftern
oon.

55
Or, Hey, guess what, my phone is buzzing, and I am afraid I gotta take this call
. Very important. It was great having a chat with you, make sure to have a wonde
rful evening! This technique works day or night, and the important thing here is
that you will feel that you have ended the interaction positively AND on your t
erms. Let us proceed. Using the example of the Suit Guy from my autobiographical
story, we can pretty much figure out what might be on the mind of a woman we ha
d approached if we happen to do it not as smoothly as we should have. Rough, cre
epy approach is bound to trigger all sort of negative expectations and many ques
tions. Why has this man approached me? Why is he talking to me? What does he wan
t? Is he hitting on me? Does he want my money? Now, I am not saying, open in a c
reepy way and then use this technique. I presume in the ninety nine point nine p
ercent of cases you will not need the default safety measures. But in case accid
entally something goes wrong, I would like to think that you would know what to
say and do. So in case you see her totally weirded out by your approach, you mig
ht want to INSTANTLY address her negative expectations. More or less directly, H
EY! I am not hitting on you, I am not asking for anything, OKAY? My approach has
NO REASON. YOU ARE SAFE. Make sure she hears that. Then smile and talk friendly
, and guess what, you had just recovered from a botched approach. You just gave
yourself a second chance to date that girl. You may also want to have to have th
e default answer along the lines of, frankly, there is no special reason why I w
anted to talk to you, except may be wishing you a very pleasant afternoon. So he
re it is, a very pleasant afternoon to you! This is it! See ya! Of course you ma
y choose to follow up with, actual y, I take it back, I am here because I wanted
to bang you, but I am a little shy, so I did not know how to bring it up, that
is why I wished you a pleasant afternoon instead. I am only joking. I am not tha
t shy. Or may be I am, I do not know. Shy or not shy, I still wanted to bang you
. Actually I did not. But I do now. Anyway, I am Dimitri, and you are? Hi Melani
e! Tell me, how would you describe your most unexpected romantic experience? But
I am jumping the gun here. What I had just quoted is the famous self-push-pul d
aygame transitioning technique, patented by Juggler. There will be time to discu
ss it, but now is not that time. Chapter 48 Contrast is at the core of charisma.
Emotion versus logic. Positive versus negative. Statement versus question. Feel
ing versus thought. Yes versus no. Juggling with the two opposite sides of a sta
tement is at the core of the verbal playfulness. To see what I mean, check one o
f the paragraphs that describes the self-push-pul technique, near the end of the
previous chapter. Vacuum and Vibe are the two opposite sides of physical charis
ma. Both of these sides depend on eye contact, and have eye contact as their fun
damental element. Prolonged eye contact, semi-relaxed face, neck, and body and,
of course, friendly smile, this is called Vibe. The overall effect is warm and s
oft. Prolonged eye contact, relaxed face, frozen but relaxed neck and body, and
no smile, that is called Vacuum. The overall effect is hard and cold. The true m
astery of physical charisma can be achieved by combining the Vibe and the Vacuum
in a perfect proportion suitable for a specific situation. Vacuum and Vibe prov
ide the opportunities for some of the easiest of the conversational openers. The
se openers are completely nonverbal. Extend your arm and touch a woman on the up
per arm with the back of your hand. When she turns to you, make and keep the eye
contact, relax your face, neck and torso, and smile. Wait til she says, "Yes?"
Extend your arm and touch a woman on the upper arm with the back of your hand. W
hen she turns to you, make and keep the eye contact, freeze your neck and torso,
relax your face, and DO NOT smile. Wait until she says, "Yes?"
The same can be done without touching her, is the physical logistic does not all
ow a woman to move away too far. Simply
position yourself within her field of vision, keep and eye contact, and either r
elax your body and smile, or freeze your body and stop smiling. The first word o
f that conversation will come from her mouth. Would you like me to tell you how
to create a love at first sight? Love at first sight starts with Vibe and ends w
ith Vacuum. Love at first sight more often than not happens in the social gather
ings when people are cheerful and smile a lot. So imagine that you are with your

friends, you share fascinating stories, smile and laugh. And then you see a wom
an who seems to be special. You make eye contact with her, and then your smile f
ades, while you keep the eye contact, and your face turns from elated to tragic,
nearly mournful. What you just

56
did was switching from Vibe to Vacuum. And the effect is the love at first sight
. Or you may do the opposite. Position yourself in the psychologically powerful
zone of the room, for example, in a bar it would be one of the places where peop
le seem to pass more often, freeze your body, and do not smile. You will vacuum
the entire room. Rob and I practiced that technique a few months ago in Washingt
on, D.C., and the result was beyond our wildest expectations. Male patrons aband
oned the place. Bouncers gathered in the corners, whispering to each other and g
iving us furtive looks. Women started tripping over their feet accidentally-on-p
urpose, and bumping into us. When you vacuum the room, choose a woman you like,
and make an eye contact with her. When a man does the Vacuum, his eye contact se
ems to stick. When it becomes nearly unbearable, you should suddenly smile and d
rawn her in your warm Vibe. That woman will come over to you and begin talking.
As I have said, the combination of Vibe and Vacuum should be used whenever you o
pen a new conversation. Such openings do not have to be nonverbal. For example,
you might do the classic Juggler Method nightgame opener. With your face complet
ely relaxed and nonsmiling, make the eye contact, and ask a woman, what is your
name? Be hard and cold. But as soon as she gives you her name, overwhelm her wit
h your warmth as you introduce yourself. I feel it is the time for me to wrap up
all the talk about the fundamental principles, and to go into more detail about
specific techniques for beginning the conversations with total strangers. Chapt
er 49 Come to a dance club a little early. Around 9 or 10 PM, it all depends on
the season, really. On a hot summer Saturday night it could be earlier. You will
notice a very special coy, hesitant vibe. The dancefloor is empty. There will p
robably be two or three girls moving bashfully to the music, a few girls chattin
g around, holdng on to their defencive drinks, and a bunch of guys in the corner
s, trying to look cool. Remember that showing up early is the key. Dive straight
to the dancefloor, and do your baddest. Take up the whole space. You do not hav
e to be a great dancer, but you do have to unleash yourself. Have fun. Act like
there is no one around. In a cool way, obviously. If you ARE a great dancer, thi
s would help, as long as you are not trying too hard to show off with your skill
s, as long as you can communicate through movement that you are just having fun.
Be relaxed. Make it about dancing, not just dancing. Find a way to express thro
ugh the dance that you are sexually comfortable man. IN A SUBTLE WAY, you Michae
l Jackson impersonators! Improvise. Make your dancing unpredictable. If you do t
his, you will single-handedly transform the vibe of the entire venue. The girls
will be the first to join you on the dance floor. The guys will follow. As soon
as you see people begin to dance, you stop. Go grab a drink. Because you have al
ready achieved three crucial things. You became the absolute leader for that nig
ht, you secured plenty of space for yourself on the dancefloor whenever you feel
like dancing again, and, most importantly, every girl in the club bar will try
to open you or will indicate unmistakably that she wants to be open by you. Choo
se a few that you like the best, and run relaxed, casual Juggler Method on them.
There is pretty much NO WAY for you to not get hooked up with a cute girl on th
at night when you implement such tactic. Chapter 50 Next time you re out in a ba
r, club, bookstore, or coffee shop - any female stomping ground - do the followi
ng. 1. Find a woman you feel attracted to and would like to approach. 2. Observe
this woman very carefully. 3. Notice something very unique about her - it could
be something about the way she is dressed, her jewelry, body language, posture,
facial expression, make-up, mood, general first impression she has made, anythi
ng at all, but it has to be positive and unique. Very often, but not necessarily
, it is a really small thing, a barely perceptible detail.
4. Free-associate on this unique thing. What does it make you think of? For exam
ple, the way she rotates her umbrella,
does it make you think of a helicopter? That she might take off and fly away? He
r wet hair, does it make you think of a swimming pool she had probably just got
out of? Or does it make you think of mermaids? 5. Take those five steps toward h
er, and share with her what that unique thing about her made you think about. He
y! I love what you do with that umbrella. I feel you are about to fly away to so

me distant exotic land. Is that where you come from? Are you a mermaid? Be caref
ul not to spill water on the flowers sewn on your shirt. They might blossom, and
you will have to look for a vase.

57
Or any variation that would make your free association more romantic. This way y
ou have a poetic justification for approaching a woman. And she is not going to
think of your approach as unmotivated or strange. You are just making a poetic c
omment, something that is never perceived as a boring supplicating kind of compl
iment. Plus, psychologically you have a task you need to fulfill, a goal to acco
mplish. Having an agenda in the first moment of interaction actually helps. Only
this agenda should not have much to do with sexually pursuing a woman, the agen
da is entirely creative or intellectual, to discover the most unique thing, and
to come up with the most poetic free association. In my modest experience this t
actic has never failed. Chapter 51 Open softly. Being men, we tend to go in very
hard when we open sets, almost like we re stepping out of a trench to attack th
e enemy with a bayonet: we are high energy, eyes shining, arms flailing, trying
to say something sharp and b ready to roll with the punches. This is the hard wa
y. The soft way is the low-energy opening for the sociable environment. Melt you
rself all over them. Slow, sleepy, helpless, with a wide sloe goofy smile, warm
like a cow, VERY low energy. Turn yourself into a newborn baby. Go over-the-top
physical. Stare them in the eyes lllllloooooowwwwwwlllllllyyyyy, tenderly. Women
love babies. They love kissing babies, love playing with their little cojones.
Be a baby on the approach. Be more and more of a baby throughout the interaction
, while remaining ulra-masculine man at the same time. Be like a lost puppy. Be
like water that is soft but penetrates everywhere and knows no obstacles. And wh
en you want the closing - go 1000 times softer. This stuff is by far THE FASTEST
OPEN-TO-CLOSE TACTIC I know in courtship. It s the key to instant makeout and i
nstant non-verbal isolation. If you do the soft style properly, you can take a w
oman you just approached by the hand and lead her to the dark corner. During one
of the bootcamps a client of mine who used to have a bit of a problem with appr
oaches and touching, tried out the soft method. He went soft into a two-set, mel
ted all over the two women like a sweet ice-cream cone, and kinoed them merciles
sly without the slightest protest. Then I opened another two-set, going soft, an
d the same client came in, super-soft, I then took one of the two girls by the h
and (about half a minute after the approach) and lead her away to the dark corne
r, soft. By the time we came back less than ten minutes later, my client numberclosed and kiss-closed the other girl. The woman he was making out with stared a
t me and said in the voice hoarse with lust and nearly religious awe: "Thank you
!" The way that guy later described his interaction, he hardly said anything at
al to that woman. Just pure vibe. Or I may look at the soft style form a differe
nt angle, and say this: Be a daddy to a baby girl. Sing her a lullaby (I have a
few favorite songs, very soft and tender ones, that I like to whisper/sing to wo
men s ears. Those songs with intensely sensual and somehow intensely innocent ly
rics. Just to give her goosebumps. Or whisper a bedtime story to her ear. And a
lot of touching. Chapter 52 Not sure if you often encounter this challenge where
you live, but in New York City women who know they are attractive had developed
a simple and very effective way of keeping themselves relatively unapproachable
. To be more specific, it is a way to keep themselves out of reach of the men wh
o would not know how to deal with the presented challenge. It is a psychological
filter of sorts. I am talking about the situation when a shockingly beautiful w
oman would wear headphones in any public place, whether it is a subway or coffee
shop or art gallery or library or bookstore. Even the usual y very effective ha
nd flip might not work with such girl, because she would simply turn away, refus
ing to acknowledge a man who tries to engage her. Or how in the world are you su
pposed to begin a conversation with a girl who is chatting animatedly on her cel
lular phone? I suspect that way too many men give up on the girls who defend the
mselves in such way, and tel themselves that one way they would sure meet a woma
n who is attractive and yet not so standoffish as to defend herself from being a
pproached by hundreds of strangers every day. How rude of her! They presume that
the girl on the headphones is rude, and that the girl on the phone talks to her
boyfriend, so what would

58
be the point of having a conversation with her anyway?
But what if that girl wearing the headphones or talking on the phone were actual
ly a woman of your dreams? What if your very destiny were at stake? What if she,
and no one else was there for you to meet and talk, and you are only headphones
away from possible happiness? (This would be a very needy mindset, by the way, b
ut still, what if?) You must have a tactic for that. And I am going to provide y
ou with more than one. To begin a conversation with a girl who is listening to h
er iPod, you may want to touch her on the outside of the upper arm with the back
of your hand. In the majority of the situations, she will make eye contact with
you, pull out one of her headphones, smile, and say, yes? This would work even
if the woman with the headphones has her eyes closed. You may do the same with t
he girl on the phone, but make sure to get a strong eye contact before you touch
her otherwise she will mutter the apology under her breath and remove herself f
rom the contact with you. Or you may choose to make eye contact with the girl on
the phone, and communicate with the sign language. The most effective way of do
ing that would be to imitate talking on the imaginary phone, and than hang up th
at imaginary phone. In my experience, when I do that, most women actually tell t
heir friend on the phone, hey, I will call you back in a couple of minutes, and
then they hand up! The great part is, if you managed to get them hang up on whoe
ver they were talking to, you definitely get their complete commitment to the co
nversation. Which means, a girl on the phone is EASIER to engage into a real con
versation! You may use the same tactic with the woman who wears headphones: simp
ly make the eye contact and then pretend as if you were taking off the imaginary
headphones. In most cases, she will smile and do the same with her real ones. O
r if you find the logistics a little more complex, you may chose to make the eye
contact, and write her a note on a piece of paper. Something along the lines of
, I have something to tell you. And when she takes off her headphones or lowers
her phone, it is up to you if you want to follow up in a direct or indirect way.
Indirect would be, you have something on your cheek, actually, you do not, I si
mply wanted to talk to you. Direct would be, I saw you listening to, well, whate
ver you were listening to, and suddenly I thought, what if you were a woman of m
y dreams? So I apologize for interrupting, but I hope you understand, I HAD to i
nterrupt. She would either laugh and provide you with the commitment you require
d, or she might smile and say, thank you but I actually have a boyfriend. To whi
ch you might say, of course you do! As a matter of fact, I just won a six-figure
bet with myself that you would have something like that. But see, having a boyf
riend is exactly what makes you so interesting! Why? Well, because the way you s
aid this, you sounded like you know life, and you know what you want from it, an
d I found it very feminine, and altogether I feel it makes you quite irresistibl
e. Anyway, please tell me, what is it like to be in a perfect relationship? Beca
use if a woman brings up a topic of her boyfriend, in many cases you may conside
r yourself lucky: she had just escalated a conversation for you. Chapter 53 Imag
ine that you are in a bookstore, and all of a sudden you see a woman you think y
ou might actually like. The big truth is, she is not there in the middle of the
blank white abstract space like one in the Matrix movie. She is surrounded by th
e environment. You may use the environment to generate the appropriate opener. M
ost likely this girl will be right next to a bookshelf. Bookstores are known for
having bookshelves in them. And the bookshelves in bookstores are usual y marke
d. There are sections in the bookstores: Fiction, Travel, Arts, Cooking, Fitness
, and so on. To begin a conversation with any woman in a bookstore you may have
to just figure out the section of the bookstore that person is in, and then ASK
HER A QUESTION or MAKE A STATEMENT FOLLOWED BY A QUESTION related to that sectio
n. If she is in the Music section, you may say, hey, what do you think about jaz
z? Or you may say, I think have the irrefutable proof that Mozart was almost exa
ctly a century ahead of his time. Because Mozart was born in 1756, and the very
first elevator was built in 1857. Anyway, who is your favorite classical compose
r? If she is in the Travel section, you may say, what do you think about Japan?
Or, my absolute favorite country in the world is Bulgaria. I have an incredible

collection of romantic memories from that country. What about you, which place i
n the world do you consider the most romantic? And by the way, as I am sure you
have noticed, by that moment you have already escalated quite far. Or you might
want to use another form of the universal bookstore opener. If you are in the bo
okstore, chances are, you are there to pick up a book.. Imagine you came to a bo
okstore and found a book you really like. If you have a few more minutes before
you have to leave the store, walk around and see if you can

59
find a girl you might like. Then share the book with the girl. Hey, you seem lik
e the right person to share this book with. Check it out. I am overwhelmed with
anticipation, I only flipped through the first few pages, and already cannot wai
t till I get to the final chapter. The great thing about the universal bookstore
opener is that it works not only in bookstores, but anywhere else. Think of the
entire world as your bookstore. Wen you see a woman you feel you might like, fi
gure out in which section of the universal bookstore you meet her at that moment
, and ask her a question or make a statement followed by a question related to t
hat situation. If she is in the Catching a Cab section of the universal bookstor
e, you might tell her, hey, it is impossible to catch a cab on that street corne
r during this time of the year. Let me show you a better place, just half a bloc
k away. You will find a line of idling taxis there. If she is in the I Am Sad se
ction, you might ask her if there is anything you could do to make her feel a li
ttle better. May be she wants an ice cream or something. Or you may share a book
with her in the universal bookstore. You are that book. Share your life with he
r by making any statement about yourself. Chapter 54 To understand the best way
to begin a conversation with a woman who is walking fast toward you or in the sa
me direction where you are walking, you have to know a little about the so-calle
d sexual presumption mechanism. Whenever a man approaches a woman, no matter how
smooth or subtle his approach might be, somewhere in the back of that womans min
d there still might be a pare-programmed set of questions: Why is this human bein
g approaching me?, Why is this human being engaging me in the interaction?, What doe
s this human being want from me?, and so on. If the man does not quickly provide
her with the answer, her mind will find the typical answer based on the simplest
thing that she can perceive: the gender difference. She identifies the gender o
f the other human being: a male. And her mind goes: attention, sexual approach.
Next thing, her survival instinct tell her to resist, because in our mind every
change is potentially a change to the worst. So if the man does not answer her q
uestions in time (not necessarily verbally but in one way or another if he does
not provide his own answers to her inner questions) almost immediately he will h
ave to face her psychological resistance. Such resistance might be particularly
strong when you deal with a moving target. Walking with her wherever she goes is
the second best strategy. No matter how fast a woman of your dreams is walking,
and no matter how busy she seems to you, if she is indeed a woman of your dream
s, it is my opinion based on the experience that you must stop her. And you have
to know how to do it without triggering her sexual presumption mechanism and he
r resistance. Hope I got your attention by now, because I am going to explain to
you exactly how to do it best. And guess what, the rest of this article will be
in the "you" perspective, and I don t care if I break a sacred rule by doing th
is. So what? Sue me. Anyway, first scenario: as you walk along the street or all
ey in a park, you notice an interesting woman who walks quickly toward you and i
s about to pass you. Imagine what would happen if you tried to stop her by block
ing her way or addressing her while she is stil in front of you. If you do not d
o it confidently enough, she would probably swerve aside, walk around you and sp
eed up, muttering some really dirty words about you. If you are committed enough
and jump in front of her with your arms and legs spread like youre the Vitruvian
Man, she will probably stop dead in front of you, but she will be damn scared b
ecause by that time she will probably think youre a sexual predator. All her defe
nses and shields will be up, alarm blaring, red flags waiving in the air. Now im
agine that instead you let that woman pass. As she passes by you, no matter how
focused she is on some inner things, some part of her mind will register a male
presence, which means that at the moment when she is closest to you, semi-consci
ously she is at the moist critical point of the sexual presumption mechanism, he
r defenses ready to be employed. What you need now is to CONFIRM her sexual pres
umption, by acknowledging the woman. Turn your head to look at her not to undres
s her with your insolent stare but just to acknowledge her as a passerby in the
casual way. She will probably return the gaze briefly, or she wont, but at this p
oint you more or less confirm her sexual presumption fro her mind. Then you turn
away from her and look straight ahead again. And you keep walking. Now she is s

ide by side with you. Now she is behind you, you hear her footsteps moving away.
For the woman, the moment has passed. Her mind says, phew, this guy is not goin
g to sexually attack me, thank God. Her defenses go, false alarm, the threat is g
one, its okay to rest now. She walks away, unconsciously satisfies that she does n
ot have to defend herself against the potential sexual aggression any longer. Th
ats when you stop and say calmly and confidently, Excuse me. You wont even have to t
urn around as you deliver the words. Smile to yourself as you still look ahead.
Then you turn

60
around and you will see that she stopped and turned around to face you. And her
defenses were not ready, so there will be no resistance whatsoever. I mean, lite
rally, even if you say, Id like to kiss you right now, it will probably take her up
to 10 seconds before she can say no. (And if you know a little about Dark Juggler
Method, you know how to say or do literally ANYTHING with complete confidence t
o a total stranger and not only get away with it but get whatever result you mig
ht have had in mind in the majority of cases, and be perfectly safe in the psych
ological and even legal aspects of your performance). The interesting thing is,
since you made her stop and turn around, you got her complete commitment to the
interaction, you got her on the platter, from the first moment. And you dont have
to yel your Excuse me either. In fact, an interesting exercise you might want to
consider trying and practicing would be stopping several people in the course of
the few minutes, no matter even men or women, with the same excuse me, saying it
each time quieter and quieter, all the way until the last person stops reacting.
When that last person doesnt stop for you, it is not because they didnt hear you,
its because they heard you but their mind didnt register it as something worthy o
f their commitment. All you have to do next is to let them take two or three mor
e steps and then raise your voice and say loudly, never mind! It will make that pe
rson stop like they hit a brick wal and wheel around. And guess what are going t
o be the first lines coming out of that persons mouth? Oh Im sorry! Guilt does not ju
st add to the commitment, but it multiplies it. Love belongs to the taker. Now l
ets consider the second scenario: a woman is moving in the same direction as your
self and she is already ahead of you. You might of course wait till she stops at
the traffic light. But then again, you might not want to leave it al to chance.
In that latter case, heres what you do. You speed up. You might even run if thats
necessary. You overtake her. You keep walking straight ahead faster than she do
es, until you are a considerable distance ahead of her. Then you slow down and s
top, not too abruptly, then turn around and walk toward her. At the moment when
you stop and turn around her defenses will be already up. As you are approaching
her, her mind will feel the tension building to almost unbearable degree, and t
he funniest part is, she might not even be consciously aware of that tension. As
you are right next to her, the critical point will reach its peak, this is when
all her alarms are blaring and red flags are flying high in the air. You spike
it even higher by turning your head toward her and making eye contact. Then you
turn away, look straight ahead and keep walking. Her mind goes, "phew, false ala
rm". Her defenses go off. You take a couple more steps and then you stop say cal
mly, Excuse me. Then you turn around. Chapter 55 Ive just stepped over the threshol
d of my house, having spent the last three and a half hours in a saddle of my mo
torcycle on the way from Boston to New York. I have a few hours left to wash and
dry my clothes and to catch a nap, and at three in the morning I hope in a cab
to LGA and then on a plane to LAX to give a couple of days of private coaching t
o a very interesting client and to hang out with Wayne and learn from him. And y
et some unstoppable force seems to drag me to the computer so I can write anothe
r article about the first crucial moment of any human interaction the beginning.
Too bad, perhaps. I believe that, philosophically speaking, the beginning carri
es 99.9 percent of the informational charge in any interaction. Think of it: the
beginning means the difference between the other person not knowing that I even
exist - and accepting me as the fact of their life! Its no less than the differe
nce between being and non-being! As Ive mentioned elsewhere, there are two fundam
entally different types of opening that I might choose to begin any interaction
with a total stranger: either direct or indirect. Direct means that I let a woma
n know immediately what the hell I want from her. Hey, Id like to speak with you f
or a few moments! or I have a confession to make. I know you might find it very un
usual, and I cannot believe Im even saying this right now, but I feel I must tell
you that when I noticed you looking at this bookshelf with such concentration,
I felt overwhelmed with the incredibly powerful urge to walk up to you and kiss
you (Please remind me to demonstrate that one to you during your bootcamp; works t
he best in bookstores for some reason). Indirect means talking in the beginning
about something other than what you really want from her. The Universal Bookstor

e Opener is a typical example of the indirect beginning. Indirect beginning requ

ires a transitioning. To transition means to throw away the topic that was used
to begin the conversation with a woman, and to involve her into a talk about you
and her. I can think of several types of transitioning. The simplest, and the b
est one, is the no transitioning technique. Instead of trying to smoothly and grad
ual y get from the initial topic to the personal conversation, I just cut off th
e first topic and go into the emotional I-statement. Something like this: My book
is about the samurai code of honor, and yours? Knitting! Yuck! Hehehe! You
ime

61
ago I was on the highway from Boston to New York, and suddenly realize that I ne
arly ran out of gas. I felt really angry at myself for this stupid blunder. So I
took the very first highway exit, and found the gas station. But more important
ly, I accidentally discovered a really beautiful smal town in Connecticut. Askin
g you about your book and then seeing your eyes made me think of that story. Wha
t about you, what was your recent most unexpected discovery? (Actually Ive just re
alized that Ive automatically inserted the Push-Pul into this transitioning. Good
, because now I wont have to explain to you that another form of transitioning wo
uld be the transitioning by Push-Pull. Or sometimes when I open indirectly, I tr
ansition via the why question. Questions about reasons and motivations are the mos
t powerful ones, because our motivations and reasons lead to our choices, and ou
r choices form our characters and our destinies. So why question is bound to make
the conversation personal. Why knitting? Because my mom always wanted me to learn h
ow to knit, and her birthday is next month, so I wanted to give her something I
make myself and please notice that she does no longer talk about books, she talks
about her relationship with her mom. I had transitioned. Or I can use the Whats y
our name? (vacuum) kind of transitioning - because after she and I know each othe
rs names, were no longer strangers, at least from the superficially social point o
f view, so it would be appropriate to talk about personal stuff. There are a few
hundred possible transitioning structures, but I guess I will have to keep them
al for some other chapter. Bedtime. Chapter 56 Last weekends Charm School gave m
e thrills. That was the bootcamp when I had done my, by far, absolutely best day
game demonstration, something to tell my grandkids about. It was also during the
same daygame session when for the first time in my life a woman I had approache
d in a bookstore told me to @#$& off before I had a chance to open my mouth. She
said that to me several times. To be completely frank, after a while I actually
stopped counting how many times she said it. (Among the instructors we call it
the Rainman pattern, but thats besides the point). It was that womans beautifully ch
allenging reaction to my approach that had inspired me to write this article. Ab
out a week ago I had the pleasure and honor to spend a couple of days with Juggl
er, working to help our private client together. It was the private instruction
on crack, the inversion of our usual two-to-one ratio: this time it was two inst
ructors, one client. Whenever I meet Juggler, I learn a lot. And probably the mo
st important things Ive learned this time was the simple practical way of teachin
g people how to lose the dependency on the outcome in their interactions with wo
men. Wayne explained to me and to our client, that in the crude reality a very c
onsiderable part of success in any interaction
truly depends on luck, also known as logistic. (In fact, the word luck means logistic
in the archaic latinized pre-Gaelic
dialect or may be it doesnt). Hence - and I am about to reveal to you one of the m
ost powerful things I know about the interpersonal dynamic hence there is no nee
d to push against the flow, there is no need to try hard, to strive to overcome
all the obstacles and break through all the barriers and to talk your way throug
h the impossible resistance and win each interaction at any cost. It means that
if I sense as much as a tiny hint of displeasure with the interaction Im having,
I am perfectly entitled to cut that interaction short as soon as I choose, wish
that person a very pleasant evening, and leave to chat to someone else instead.
It means freedom. On the conditions that such philosophy must not be your defaul
t justification for not escalating. Meaning, the mindset Ive just described only
applies to men who get it, who know what they are doing, who know the difference b
etween not enjoying the interaction for logistical reasons impossible to control
versus not being able to create the enjoyable interaction by controlling what c
an and should be controlled. And yet that occurs quite rarely, but what if for o
ne reason or another you feel you absolutely must stay in the interaction longer
despite the initially lukewarm reception or outright aggression? In my case it
was the presence of the client a few steps away, who was pretending to read a bo
ok, and was taking in every word of the interaction. In your case it might be so
mething else. I guess I must give you tools for that. So, I walk up to a girl an

d sit next to her, and before I have a chance to open my mouth, she says, @#$& of
f! Thats quite unusual. My first and quite sincere reaction is the perplexed look
I give her. And I dont hold anything back, Im generous to people, I make sure to k
eep eye contact and to flood her with my nonverbal bewilderment. Jaw dropped, ey
es bulging, and all. Then I tighten the emotional bolt: I turn around to look ba
ck as if to see if she was addressing someone else. Then I look back at her. Hel
plessly. Think Puss in the Boots from Shreck 2. Thats my tool number one, I figur
ed it out not so long ago, in Toronto. Normally such act breaks the ice and make
s the aggressive person smile or even laugh, whether they wanted it or not. Unfo
rtunately, it wasnt so that time. So, she keeps the eye contact and fumes. I go: I
beg you pardon? I say it in the loud and leisurely voice. This is my tool number
two. If someone says something rude, I politely insist that they repeat. Normal
y they back off and feel a little guilty for being socially ungraceful. Guess w
hat in the interaction I am describing, this tactic didnt work. She repeated her
words verbatim. I respond with my tool number three, a Reward/Question: You are b
eing straightforward. I find it refreshing. Whats your name? (Vacuum). Guess how s
he responds?

62
So I go, Hm thats quite an unusual name. I sure hope you kicked your mom and dad fo
r that! My name is Dimitri. I read books about music and (This is my technique nu
mber three. If I get a rude reaction to my question, I act as if they had answer
ed my question.) She interrupts, Didnt you hear me? I said, @#$& off! She looks a l
ittle offended by the fact that I keep my face on. This promises to be a fun int
eraction. The problem is, I am running out of ammo. I have to improvise. So I go
, Oh, I heard you first time. I dont feel Ive deserved it, though. Anyway, I hadnt f
inished. So, as I was saying, I tend to read about music and film history. Whats
your book about? (Vacuum). I guess this is my new technique, number four. When I
look back on the interaction and analyze it now, I can see a few things. The pri
nciple here, demonstrate the authority, but not contempt. If I say as much as, I
think youre being a little rude, I would give that girl what she wants: me being h
urt, on the platter. But I am not hurt, and guess what, she doesnt know it, but Im
being paid for every minute of this interaction, while shes doing it for free. S
he is an amateur, Im a pro. Pros rule. So I treat her kindly. I do not tell her s
he is rude. I tell her calmly my subjective feeling: I do not feel Ive deserved th
at. Then I make her listen. I ask my question. She goes, DUDE, @#$& OFF! That attra
cts the attention of another girl sitting nearby. I look at her and smile. She s
miles and turns back to her book, still smiling. I turn back to the first girl a
nd revert to my technique number three. I demonstrate enthusiasm and say, Oh, I s
ee what you mean. Your book is about good manners! Well, I am proud of you, and
I am sure you will learn a lot! I say it loudly so that the other girl hears my w
ords. Then I turn my attention to that other girl and say to her, loudly: My new
friend here reads a guidebook about manners. So far she had learned only how to
say @#$& off. Whats your take on that? She looks at me, still smiling. And I can s
ee the words forming in her mind, shes trying to hold herself from saying it. I l
ook at her and nod as expressively as I can. She cracks up. I crawl away from th
e rude girl, and sit next to the second girl. We talk
for a little while before I go back to my client. All this time the rude girl br
eathes real deep. I wish her a very pleasant day as
I walk away. This is my technique number five. When everything else fails, I use
the rude reaction given to me by one person to justify why I talk to someone el
se nearby. Ive learned it from my good friend Javier, who is among the leading me
mbers of the Charisma Arts New York posse, and the true master of psychology of
human interaction. Normally the unexpected rude reaction means to me that this p
erson really needs my attention. So I give her or him enough attention to quench
the need. Sometimes I forget this simple principle though. For example, a coupl
e of weekend ago in Boston I was demonstrating for a client, and opened a group
of two attractive girls and a rather burly guy. I usually I tend to recognize th
e social situation of pickup and avoid undermining another guys effort until and
unless I see that hes not getting anywhere anyway. But I was slightly tired and I
didnt catch the fact that the guy was in the middle of the subtlest moment of es
calation. So when I opened him and the girls, he got a little upset. He moved ar
ound and positioned himself on the other side of the table. That was a right mov
e in his situation, because by positioning himself in a new place he got the gir
ls to focus on him. And, as Ive said, I felt a little tired by then because it wa
s the end of the second night of the bootcamp, and I guess that was the reason w
hy I made a rookie mistake. (Most of the mistakes people make are rookie mistake
s, have you noticed?) I should have re-engaged the guy immediately, and I focuse
d on the girls instead. As a result I had to work hard to get their commitment,
and even though the interaction went okay in the end, it did not go as greatly a
s it could and should have. Lesson reinforced: even though all rules should be b
roken, the rule of thumb is to give so much attention to the current attention m
agnet of the group that his magnetic powers are drained and I become the attenti
on magnet. Chapter 57 More on troubleshooting. If a woman I had just approached
gives me an out-of-all-proportion negative reaction, I might do the following: 1
. Agree with her emotion. 2. Reward: presume her high value. 3. Relate: justify
her negative emotional reaction in a plausible way. 4. End the conversation on t

he high note and leave. The main goal of this structure is to leave gracefully a
nd immediately and feel good about it. The secondary goal is to make that woman
re-open you and apologize. The steps can be put in different order. Example 1 I:
Hey, I d like to talk to you for a few minutes. She: @#$% off! I: I can sense y
our authenticity. But perhaps you ve had a tough day. I understand. Please enjoy
your evening. Good-bye.

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Example 2 I: Excuse me. I felt like introducing myself to you for some reason. S
he: Whatever it is, I m not interested! I: I see. She: Leave me alone. I: Sure.
I will not bother you. You that you strike me as a frank and open-hearted person
. But perhaps someone had hurt you very recently that s why you chose to hurt me
. It s okay. I hope something makes you feel better later tonight. Example 3 I:
How s it going? She: None of your business. Go away. I: Had a tough day, right?
Hey, I understand. Your words didn t hurt me and you should not feel guilty. I h
ope you make the most of your evening. Ciao! When I explained this technique to
my friend and private client from Israel, he told me a joke indirectly related t
o the subject. "How many Jewish moms does it take to change a light bulb? - Oh,
it s al right, a Jewish mom will just sit there in the dark, lonely and sad..."
Chapter 58 Increasingly more often than not I find myself surrounded by people w
ho show a lot of respect to me for teaching them something interesting and valua
ble (and I keep my fingers and TOES crossed hoping they continue to do so; I am
hooked on respect). And increasingly more often than not I discover a girl or tw
o hovering in proximity, trying to overhear our conversation. And I have noticed
that the girls who are curious about our topic (human contact in general and ho
w to pick up chicks in particular) tend to be intelligent, emotionally healthy a
nd, in most cases, for some magical reason, attractive, at least to me. Probably
it is so because they understand the simple truth that men who want to learn ho
w to communicate with women have a higher probability of making women around the
m happy, too. Those girls cannot help but feel respect and admiration to men who
want to learn to become better at being worthy of a great womans love. So all I
have to do to open one of such hovering girls is to finish the sentence that hel
ped me to make the point, and then turn to her suddenly and say, Right? Usually sh
e laughs and says, Absolutely! Then we do the rock or high five or I open my arms and
she hugs me, and then I ask her name. Then she joins our conversation and we tal
k about relationships. Or sometimes when Im in a naughty mood, instead of simply
asking Right? I choose the dorkiest female name I can come up with, and throw it i
n, too. So it goes like this: I: (to the guys) And you should keep in mind that p
sychologically, men tend to expand in space and shrink in time, while women tend
to shrink in space and expand in time. (to the hovering girl) Right, Gertrude? G
irl: Hahaha, Im not Gertrude! I: Of course youre not! Whats your name? and so on. An
here might be endless variations. I blame you! (Credit: Rob); Its al your fault!; Wha
your take on that?, What do you think? etc. Or if I accidentally (or on purpose) o
verhear someones conversation, I can start talking to them, making it look like t
hey were talking to me in the first place. For example, speaking of Rob: last we
ekend I witnessed him giving a brilliant demonstration of this technique. He and
I were walking down the street in a crowd of people headed to the famous for it
s nightlife meatpacking district of New York, and suddenly someone behind us say
s quite loudly, Yo, whats up, punk? How are you doing? Rob reacted immediately, wit
hout even looking back, and projecting his voice equally wel : Not bad, man! How
about you? Everybody around us, whoever heard that, looked around. I did the same
, and saw a random guy on a cell phone who interrupted his call to shake Robs han
d appreciatively. Obviously, Yo, whats up, punk? was meant for someone on the other
end of the line, but Rob reacted in the split second, to engage a stranger in a
tiny but meaningful emotional exchange. Such little emotional exchanges, such f
lirting with anyone and everyone instantly and effortlessly creates that elusive
something that many men so desperately try to imitate, calling it high social va
lue. Sometimes simply saluting a group with a drink is enough to make friends wit
h them. Sometimes I bluntly point at them and pause, not a trace of smile on my
face. When enough tension builds up, I smile and give then thumbs up; which tends
to open the group. I and Rob argued about that opener for a while and couldnt com
e to an agreement. I insist that the thumbs up opener qualifies as lousy, while Rob
prefers to think of it as retarded. But thats exactly the point: the opener doesnt h
ave to be spectacular. A bad opener is a good opener as long as it does what it
supposed to do: open.

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Here s another ridiculosuly bad one for you: "Vy govorite po russki? Habla espan
ol? Parlais-vu francais? Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" - "No, I m sorry, I do not know
any languages" - "That s too bad. Well, let s talk in English, then. What s your
name?!" Or just begin in whatever language you know: "Zdravstvuyte, sudarynya.
Ya znayu chto vy vpolne vozmozhno sochtyote moye poyavlenie neozhidannym, no ya
ne mog otkazat sebye v vozmozhnosti poznakomit sya s vami. Kak vas zovut?" "Oh,
I m sorry I do not understand!" - "Oh thank goodness, you do speak English!" etc
. Or you may even open in gibberish. I did once, on a bet with a client. Worked
wonders. Chapter 59 Ive learned these few from my friends Wayne and Rob. Please i
magine what I witnessed in LA some time ago. A bookstore. Wayne approaches a boo
kshelf. There is a girl nearby, reading a book. Wayne picks a book from a shelf,
observes the cover, puts the book back. Picks another one, flips through the pa
ges. Turns to the girl, casually. Wayne: Is it any good? Girl: Yeah! Wayne: Cool. He
huts up and turns away from the girl, but doesnt move away, and continues checkin
g out the books. A pause. Then a little miracle happens (and it happens more or
less seven times out of ten; a very consistent little miracle). A girl turns to
Wayne and asks: Whats yours about? Then he runs a Juggler Method on her. Pretty sim
ple, huh? I like this a lot because I find it elegant and natural. To test if wh
at I believed about the mindset for this approach was true, I asked Wayne, What h
appens when a girl just walks away after the first micro-interaction? Wayne confi
rmed my belief: You let her go and find someone else to talk to. In my opinion, th
at is as non-needy as it can get. I also saw Wayne handing a book to a random st
ranger and saying, Here. You MUST read this book. Its the best one for you in the
whole store. I insist. (I do it somewhat differently, by the way. I tend to point
at the book I like, and say: "This one. Definitely this one!" - "Oh yeah?" - "T
rust me" But as you see it is essentially the same thing, which is, instead of a
sking for a book recommendation, giving a book recommendation. Much more macho.
And the best part is, such approach works in clothing stores and supermarkets as
effectively as in bookstores.) And heres Wayne version of beginning the conversa
tion with a girl whos chatting with someone on the phone: Sit next to her on the b
ench - not too close! - and wait till she hangs up. When she hangs up, she is qu
ite likely to tell or ask you something. If she doesnt, you do. Rob contributes to
that his trademarked way of dealing with the boring answers. Whats the book about
? Nothing See? You are different from everyone else in this store. Everyone reads a
out something, and it makes it boring. But you are special because your book is
the only one about nothing. I think I like you so far. You might yet disappoint m
e but I hope that you do not. Whats your name?