Well, folks, its almost here: the wrap-up to Marvels second phase of its cinematic

universe, AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON. And as Americas greatest heroes prepare to

team up again, Awfully Good Movies will be looking at some of Marvels less
successful adaptations of its comic book heroes, from the age before the age of
Ultron. First off, weve got Captain America. Before we had BJ Blaskowicz or Aldo
Raine, Captain America was the #1 name in kicking Nazi ass and protecting
democracy, proving so popular as to hit the screen in a 1944 serial and two made
for TV movies from 1979 starring Big McLargehuge. And today, were looking at the
time the Captain hit the big screen in 1990at least in Great Britain. Here in the
States, CAPTAIN AMERICA went straight to video two years later, so why would
America do such an injustice to a movie about a man named Captain America? And
the answer is, it was from the producer of MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE and
SUPERMAN IV. So does this Captain America stand any chance against Chris Evans
Captain America? Well, of course he doesnt, but hey, he might a stand a chance
against the Chris Evans Human Torch. Yeah, letlets go with that.
Here, Captain Americas shield is wielded by actor Matt Salinger, best known as the
son of J.D. Salinger. Boy, does that family tree have nowhere to go but down. As we
know, the Captain is first known as Steve Rogers, a polio-stricken and physically
unfit lad rejected from the Army during World War II, despite the fact that he looks
perfectly fine. But trust us, hes a weakling and he cant be a soldier, dont ask
questions! So Steve signs up for an experimental Army experiment which turns him
from puny human to supersoldier. Again, dont see any difference at all. But Nazi
spies infiltrate the lab and kill the scientist who held the supersoldier formula in her
head, thankfully sparing us from the possibility of seeing the makers of this film
screw up the Winter Soldier. But Steve survives the attack and wears the costume
the scientist made for him to become Captain America, even though the costume is
so bad, it makes you say You know what? His costume in THE AVENGERS really
wasnt that bad after all. So the Captain faces off against the maniacal supervillain
Red Skull to prevent him from shooting a missile at the White House, but is soon
defeated and strapped to the launching missile. However, Cap manages to knock
the missile off course with his foot, sends the missile to Alaska, and ends up being
frozen, which gives Red Skull the opportunity to form a secret society and
assassinate both the Kennedys and Martin Luther King. Youre doing one hell of a
job, Captain.
So 50 years pass to 1993, where Captain America is thawed from his deep freeze
and captures the attention of President Ronny Cox, who happened to take a picture
of him on the missile back when he was a little boy, and his reporter friend Ned
Beatty. How fitting we have two of the cast members of DELIVERANCE in this movie,
seeing as this is what the producers are doing to the source material. Indeed, this
movie is far from an accurate adaptation of the comic books, which I have not read.
But I have seen the movies, and its fascinating to see the moments which were
handled so well in the Chris Evans movies get botched completely in this movie. Not
to mention our hero not only gets frozen over losing his first battle instead of
sacrificing himself for the good of his country, but has 5 minutes of backstory, has
all the charisma of sandpaper, and even pretends to get carsick in peoples cars just
so he can steal their cars! And lets talk about Red Skull, who only has a red skull in

one scene of the movie. In the rest of it, he wears a disguise. Also, we have no
mention of HYDRA, hes Italian instead of German, and has his daughter do most of
his dirty work. So why do they still call him Red Skull? I presume because Flesh Face
doesnt really have a ring to it.
But I really dont care about any of this, because this is a comic book movie so in
over its head with its low budget that I cant get that mad at it. I mean, they really
thought this was gonna be the next superhero blockbuster in the wake of Tim
Burtons BATMAN? Aww, thats just adorable! But Im sorry, Im not gonna buy a
hero whose fight scenes are so badly edited and shot, you can clearly tell what his
stuntman looks like! Wait, is that Dave Franco? Combine that with an annoying
female sidekick, who is the daughter of the Captains now-elderly love interest and
played by the same actress, and a good chunk of the movie dealing with Captain
America trying to get a radio fixed (which is my favorite part of any superhero
movie), and you have a hilarious example of how bad superhero movies could be in
the era between BATMAN and X-MEN. So if you want a good time with a bad movie,
then put a little Captain in you.
The price of freedom is high, but the price of booze is not, so be willing to pay that
price to play the Awfully Good Drinking Game!
Take a shot or drink every time:

Red Skull calls Captain America his brother. Hey, dont call him your brother,
thats racist! Or redcist, orwhats my point again? I dunno!
Captain America uses his shield. What was that noise? Is Red Skull the lead
singer of Cameo?
They announce a different locaoh, wait a minute, lemme fix something
there we go! They announce a different location with yet another title card.
You spot a cast member of either DELIVERANCE or A CHRISTMAS STORY,
which will be the closest Ill get to seeing my DELIVERANCE/CHRISTMAS
STORY slash fiction hit the big screen.

And take a double shot not just for the two times that Captain America steals a car,
but also for the one time they mention a DC character in a Marvel movie. I didnt
think you could thatcan you do that? I thought that was punishable by law! Well,
looks like Stan Lee is gonna have Batman pay him a visit.
And on the nudity watch, of course youre not seeing any T or A in this wholesome
superhero moviewell, except for this egregious bikini ass shot. And thats Captain
America for you: sees Red Skull, picks a fight with him; sees a womans ass, runs
away in terror.
On the enjoyableness continuum scale from Boll to Bruce, CAPTAIN AMERICA throws
his mighty shield and makes the enjoyableness continnum yield to a 7 out of 10.
Youre welcome; now PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!
Im Jesse Shade for JoBlo.com, and Ill see you next time for another mystery Marvel
review. But I do wonder: If they had made a sequel to this CAPTAIN AMERICA, I

wonder what the Falcon would have looked like. Welp, that answers that question.
Good night, everybody!