To: John Madden

CC: Electronic Arts Sports

From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden

07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. Yo
u probably already knew that, so I ll continue. I am writing in regards to the ove
rall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I fee
l that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed
Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning af
ter his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst p
art is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you
a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever except for in the category of
ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this s
core because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that
, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.
It s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like
I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of m
y teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, Jo
hn, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating
like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod He Hate Me Smart has a 52 in thi
s category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and t
he breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange
words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The on
ly actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level ar
e things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out
Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me
up to a 60?
I guess I just can t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out
of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst eve
ryone, I was rated the absolute worst.
I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility ca
tegory. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don t crash trough
a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your g
ame is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast
. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Wa
shington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he d look just lik
e Jabba the Hut.
Red Alert!
John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was
a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn t even receive a 10,
or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn t even fall forward on a bal
l kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off o
f my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. Y
ou should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with pain
tball guns.
Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings.
I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me si
deways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is
spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have
that job? Let s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at ju
mping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I m at it, I can assign the pass
ing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has
a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuri
ng out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and acc
uracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest
misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and
covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catc
h with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing
the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic di
rections. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. Thi
s is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other r
atings, but I m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synon
ymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pu
ssy-ass fuckwad that can t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slig
htly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lo
se your mind more and more each year, old man.
When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for
the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thund
er.
Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright