Say no to domestic violence and child abuse! Speak out!

Take a Stand!
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence
of fear Mark Twain
Celeste's Story: Out of the Darkness into the Light
two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less
travelled by, and that had made all the difference Robert Frost
Firstly, in order to understand my testimony it is necessary to understand
that I am a fundamentally a Catholic (as a wise person once told me all
Catholics are Christians but not all Christians are Catholic). So, my
journey follows a Christian path - however, child abuse and domestic
violence are behaviours that reach out across all cultures, creeds and
classes and healing from these is a personal healing journey (spiritual,
emotional and intellectual) that may take you along some different paths
and understandings. Your journey should be yours. Mine is mine. That is
as it should be.

Introduction
My name is Celeste and I was born in September 1969. I am forty
something years old and have learnt many lessons over the years. I count
myself among those blessed enough to be able to carry on positively no
matter what life throws in my way because my strength comes from
looking for help to a greater power than me. (Psalm 121:1-2: I will lift up
my eyes to the hills from whence comes my help? My help comes from the
LORD, who made heaven and earth.)

Between my husband (yes, I am on my second marriage) and I, we

have five beautiful children and a grandchild - so I am wife, mother,
grandmother and wounded healer.
I am learning to be a complete person again. The one thing that is clear
to me is that healing is a journey and a long one. Those of us who have
made it to the other side of our abuse are survivors, true, wounded by
our past; however, we can overcome all odds and live exceptional lives.
(John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come
that they may have life, and have it to the full. and John 15:11 These things
have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your
joy might be full.)

I am different - as well as differently-abled (I was born with hip dysplasia,

have undergone 45 operations and am walking around on my third hip
replacement), and I am a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence.
This is my story.

Early Years
I was born in Pretoria, South Africa and at 10 days old adopted into a
Lebanese South African family. I have two adopted brothers (we all came
from different families). At fourteen months I was diagnosed with
Congenital Hip Dysplasia. When this disorder is diagnosed this late the
prognosis is not good. Along with the pain of osteoarthritis from the age
of 12 or 13 and the long term effects of all the medication I have had to
take, I have endured 45 operations, the vast majority on my hip. I am
really blessed that my third hip replacement is holding up!
Right here I would like to put paid to the sins of father are visited upon
their children discussion. How many times have people quoted Exodus
and Deuteronomy? Exodus 20:5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to
them, nor serve them: for the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting
the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth
generation of them that hate me; and Deuteronomy 23:2 A bastard
shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth
generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
Well, later in the Old Testament you can read: Jeremiah 31:29 In those
days people will no longer say, The parents have eaten sour grapes, and
the childrens teeth are set on edge. or Ezekiel 18:1-3 The word of the
LORD came to me: What do you people mean by quoting this proverb
about the land of Israel: The parents eat sour grapes, and the childrens
teeth are set on edge? As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD,
you will no longer quote this proverb in Israel. yet, still the most
powerful dismissal of this comes from Jesus himself in John 9:1-3
"Teacher, whose sins caused him to be born blind? Was it his own or his
parents' sin?" Jesus answered, "His blindness has nothing to do with his
sins or his parent's sins. He is blind so that God's power might be seen at
work in him"
When I was seven years old, my parents divorced. It was a traumatic
time for me my brothers were both away at a Christian Brothers
boarding school and so never experienced the actual break-up of the
marriage. My father fetched them immediately after the divorce and they
never returned to boarding school. While my father lived we stayed with
him an unusual circumstance in those days.
My father died of a massive heart attack in early 1981.
Powerlessness

Lets talk about that! On the surface, this idea seems a simple one for
survivors. I felt totally helpless and taken over by the trauma and my
symptoms. In fact, when I was traumatized I was helpless in the face of
overwhelming circumstances. It doesnt matter how long ago it was I still
felt overwhelmed by my symptoms. Control. Mastery. These are things
I struggled with on and off or constantly at different periods in my
journey. I tried to control my symptoms and, honestly, I often wished I
could go back in time and somehow prevent or stop what happened.
Admitting that I was powerless was the only way to come to terms with
this. I realised that you have to admit that you could not control what
happened to you. Also, I had to admit that I could not manage the
symptoms I experience. I hit the bottom in my experience of my life as it
is was so that I could become willing to take actions and begin a healing
journey.
In essence, the difference between an admission of powerlessness and
the helplessness of the trauma is one of a willingness to take action.
Trauma helplessness is passive. Recovery powerlessness is active. This is
a paradox. You have to admit you are powerless so that you can take
action.
Every time I open a new door in my past I start back again at the
powerlessness stage. It is always at this time that I lean heavily on 1
John 4:4 You are of God, little children, and have overcome them:
because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.
Spirituality
Heres where things get sticky for most survivors. Having had a good personal
relationship with God all my life (I cannot remember a time when I did not
believe) some of these were really hard to come to terms with but (blessed as I
am) I can truthfully say I never questioned that there was a God, my God.
I asked all the questions others ask:

Where was God?

How do I reconcile a belief in God with what has happened?
How do I face the reality of my life?
How can I trust God again now that I know bad things can happen to me?
I cannot forgive my perpetrator(s).
Am I lacking in my faith.
Why???
How can I believe in a God when there is evil and cruelty in the world?
How does God view suffering in the world?
What is the meaning of what happened?
I dont feel safe anywhere.
My life no longer feels predictable
I am angry with God, is He angry with me?

I feel like God abandoned me.

I feel betrayed by God.
What is my relationship to God now?
I feel ashamed; God wouldnt want me anymore.
I feel dirty; so, I cannot get close to God.
No one will ever understand.
Is it my fault?
How do I make sense out of what happened?
Where is there value in my suffering?
My perpetrator was never punished, what now?
I dont feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Goodness doesnt protect
anyone.
How can I believe in a loving, all-powerful God after what happened? How
do I resolve my feelings of guilt with a faith in a God?
I still feel God abandoned me.
It is difficult to think of God as a loving Father after what my own father did
to me.

These are very deep questions. I have my own answers for each of them and I
suppose all of them are up for discussion. Each persons journey is different and
so I believe everyone comes to the answers in their own way. Everyone has the
right to this difficult struggle with ideas related to faith and belief in God.
I believe that you do not have to believe in God to start on a healing journey.
What you do need is an open mind and a resolve to work through the spiritual
damage done to every trauma survivor.
Spiritual recovery from trauma comes when you make your peace with a belief
in a higher power even though this awful trauma happened to you.
Therapy
The first person I told about my situation was a Catholic nun. She was great but
I was not very forthcoming and the most she could do was listen and
empathise. It was enough, though, Most of my therapy involved coming to

terms with myself. My feelings. My worth. My inner strength (see 1 John

4:4). Today, looking back I would say two things have got me through all
these things. Firstly, a strong belief and faith in my God and secondly an
optimistic outlook that I (with my faith in place) can overcome anything.
Over the years I worked with a psychotherapist, various counsellors and
programmes. There are two processes that I recommend. The first is a
step method (Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous) that goes like this:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

Understand and accept what has happened.

Uncover and validate the truth of your story.
Learn the tools to assist your healing.
Find forgiveness with yourself, your perpetrator and God.
Tell your story.
Reach out with love and support to others.

7.
8.
9.
10.

Be committed to be there for other survivors.

Appreciate and find joy in your life.
Inspire and guide other
Strive to be the best you that you can be.

The other process falls under number 3 above, it is one of the tools. It is
the Survivor to Thriver programme.
This programme was developed by The Morris Centre, Revised 7/99, (see
www.ascasupport.org for more information). The programme is broken
down into three stages:
Stage One: Remembering
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

I am in a breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my

abuse.
I have determined that I was physically, sexually or emotionally
abused as a child.
I have made a commitment to recovery from my childhood abuse.
I shall re-experience each set of memories as they surface in my
mind.
I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions which holds
THEM responsible.
I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse,
but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.
I can sense my inner child whose efforts to survive now can be
appreciated.

Stage Two: Mourning

8.
9.
10.
11.

I have made an inventory of the problem areas in my adult life.

I have identified the parts of myself connected to self-sabotage.
I can control my anger and find healthy outlets for my aggression.
I can identify faulty beliefs and distorted perceptions in myself and
others.
12. I am facing my shame and developing self-compassion.
13. I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the way
I want to live.
14. I am able to grieve my childhood and mourn the loss of those who
failed me.
Stage Three: Healing
15. I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.
16. I am strengthening the healthy parts of myself, adding to my selfesteem.
17. I can make necessary changes in my behavior and relationships at
home and work.

18. I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is
acceptable to me.
19. I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the
legacy of the past.
20. I see myself as a thriver in all aspects of life - love, work, parenting,
and play.
21. I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.
Healing is not a linear progression and my healing jumped (and still
jumps) from one phase to another. One of the greatest therapies for me
has always been helping others.

Domestic Violence
After 13 years of marriage I had to face the fact that I had allowed myself
to be pulled into another abusive relationship - even worse that my
children had suffered because of my inability to face that fact, or get out
before they, too, were affected by his abuses. Afterwards it was hard to
reconcile in my mind that I had allowed myself to be beaten, berated
and strangled on three occasions without leaving! It was horrifying how I
had slipped back into numbness and denial to the extent that I had been
re-traumatised and need therapy - again. More so the guilt and shame at
having allowed my poor, innocent children to be so badly treated. It took
a long time to forgive myself and I have not forgotten the lessons learned
in that experience.
I began to understand the cyclic nature of abuse and the complex
relationships between abused and abuser. So began another road to
recovery which included the soul destroying and uphill legal battles and
general apathy that you have to force your way through to get protection
orders and have the gumption to have those protection orders enforced.
It is an eye-opener the way the system is run and you have to face things
like sitting in the same room as your abuser waiting to go to court.
Policemen who want you to serve your own protection orders and, of
course, the way people's attitudes towards you are not what you
expected. All these are just more hurdles on the way to recovery.

Set Backs, Surviving and Overcoming

Today, I can say I am no longer a victim of abuse, I am a survivor. But I
don't want to survive. I want to overcome - be victorious. It's all in
attitude - you chose to remain a victim; you choose to "survive" or rather
"endure", or you choose to triumph with the knowledge that the scars
that you bear are testimony to the person you are today.

In the Bible in John Chapter 10 verse 10 Jesus says "I have come that
they may have life, and have it to the full." Now, you may not be a
Christian or even believe in any god at all, but I think that having life to
the full is what conquering is all about and certainly worth striving for.
I am what I was meant to be. I face each day anew - with joy and hope.
I grab each opportunity with a love for life I once thought impossible.
Today, I continue my journey of service. Giving back some of what I
have received. I would never wish on anyone the journey I have walked,
but the rewards of recovery are a blessing I shall cherish forever.
i am
more than
writing on the wall
my best behaviour
my weakest link
i am
more than
self-centred
egotistical
the sum of my success
a portrait of my failures
i am more than
my body alone
my mind separated
my soul disconnected
i am
uniquely
me

I wish you light and love. I wish you serenity.

Celeste