8

Paths to a Stronger Sentence

1. Up-Front the Action
Problem: In response to the issue of equality for educational and occupational
mobility, it is my belief that a system of inequality exists in the school system.
Find the Action: whats actually going on. Who is doing something, and what

i.

are they doing?

In response to the issue of equality for educational and occupational
mobility, it is my belief that a system of inequality exists in the school
system.
Start Fast: move the actor and the action to the front of the sentence.
Avoid Prepositions: avoid beginning with prepositional phrase strings (in, to, of,
for, from, etc.). reduce your reliance on long prepositional phrases.
Strengthen the Verb: if the action is in a linking verb (is be am are was were
been being has have had do does did may might can could shall should will would
must ought) try to transform it into a short strong verb.

ii.
iii.
iv.

Solution: I believe gender inequality exists in our schools.

Problem: The project is likely to result in a minor population increase in the city
from families relocating to the site from outside the community.
Solution: The project will likely attract new families to the city.

2. Delete Empty Modifiers

Avoid empty adjectives like really, very, quite, actually, virtually, generally, various
They are both vague (one person' very hot is not the same as anothers) as well as
immature sounding in technical contexts: The steel was quite soft. The quite doesnt
add anything to the sentence beyond extra words. Actually tell us what the measurement
is? Be specific.
3. Avoid Noun Strings
Unless readers are familiar with your terminology (or jargon), avoid using phrases with
many consecutive nouns (noun strings).
Problem: NASA continues to work on the International Space Station astronaut
living-quarters module development project.
Solution: NASA is still developing the module that will provide living quarters
for the astronauts aboard the International Space Station.
4. Avoid Vague Nouns
Try to avoid using the following vague, all-purpose nouns, which sometimes lead to
wordiness, especially when used in prepositional phrases: factor, aspect, area, situation,
consideration, degree, case.

Problem: Consumer demand is rising in the area of services.

Solution: Consumers are demanding more services.
Problem: Strong reading skills are an important factor in students' success in
college.
Solution: Students' success in college depends on their reading skills.

5. Avoid It Can Be Seen; Clearly; Everybody Knows

Try to remove it can be seen and from looking at from your sentences for
conciseness and directness.
Problem: It can be seen from looking at Table 1, that the hardness testing of the
1014 was lower than that of the 1045.
Solution: Table 1 illustrates that the macro hardness testing of the 1014 was
lower than that of the 1045.
Similarly, try to avoid phrases like it is apparent that or clearly. Its your job as a
writer to make things apparent and clear through description, not to say things are
apparent.
6. Avoid Unclear Pronoun Usage
When you use pronouns like it, this, they, etc., you need to make sure you are
clear about what it is. If you have numerous nouns in the preceding sentence. You
probably cant use it.
Problem: Hardenability is defined by the ease with which the martensitic
transformation is effected, and is measured by depth on a jominy test, after
putting it through a heat treatment process.
Here, it could refer back to hardenability, martensitic transformation,
or the jominy test or something from a preceding sentence.
7. Avoid Repetition
Unless necessary, try not to repeat the same word or sentence opening multiple times in a
few sentences; it draws your readers eye to something that doesnt need attention:
rhetoric is used to influence the reader within this topic. Within the three
articles it was clear that both subjectivity and bias.
C has reached temperatures reaching high enough to ensure that the metal has
austenitic microstructure and has essentially undergone a heat treatment.
The samples were prepped for mounting in Bakelite by grinding one side of the
sample and removing any debris that formed on the sample during heat
treatment.
8. Avoid Free-Floating This
You may notice me writing free-floating this when you start a sentence with this or
have this somewhere in your sentence. For example, This illustrates a higher macro
hardness in steel. In general, its good practice to tether your this to a keyword so your
reader knows what this is referring to in your previous sentence:
Problem: This illustrates a higher macro hardness in steel.
Solution: This high measurement illustrates a higher macro hardness in steel.

Quiz + Solutions
1. The establishment of a different approach on the part of the committee has become a
necessity.
Solution The committee has to approach it differently.
2. Thomas was always unprepared for class. This made his teacher increasingly mad.
Solution: Thomas was always unprepared for class, and this habit of his drove his teacher
crazy.
3. The wind pattern was further illustrated following a recovery boiler electrostatic
precipitator fire at the site in 1988.
Solution: The wind pattern was further illustrated following a fire in the electrostatic
precipitator of a recovery boiler at the site in 1988.
4. This report explains our investment growth stimulation projects.
Solution: This report explains our projects to stimulate growth in investments.
5. It is a matter of the gravest possible importance to the health of anyone with a history
of a problem with disease of the heart that he or she should avoid the sort of foods with a
high percentage of saturated fats.
Solution: Anyone with a history of heart disease should avoid saturated fats.
6. The number of colonies observed without delay after culture was a reflection of the
efficacy of the drug.
Solution: The reduced number of colonies after the culture reflects the efficacy of the
drug.
7. In the case of Mais (TC, 1968), the taxpayer was able to exclude from gross income
embezzled funds that were repaid during the year the funds were embezzled but the
taxpayer was not allowed to exclude embezzled funds to be repaid in a subsequent year.
Solution: Mais (TC, 1968) allowed the taxpayer to exclude embezzled funds repaid
during the same year but not those repaid in a later year.
9. Perception is the process of extracting information from stimulation emanating from
the objects, places, and events in the world around us
Solution: Perception extracts information from the outside world.
10. Everybody knows that the most important thing about Charley is that Charley is a
good man.
Solution: Charley is a good man.

Quiz
1. The establishment of a different approach on the part of the committee has become a
necessity.
2. Thomas was always unprepared for class. This made his teacher increasingly mad.
3. The wind pattern was further illustrated following a recovery boiler electrostatic
precipitator fire at the site in 1988.
4. This report explains our investment growth stimulation projects.
5. It is a matter of the gravest possible importance to the health of anyone with a history
of a problem with disease of the heart that he or she should avoid the sort of foods
with a high percentage of saturated fats.
6. The number of colonies observed without delay after culture was a reflection of the
efficacy of the drug.
7. In the case of Mais (TC, 1968), the taxpayer was able to exclude from gross income
embezzled funds that were repaid during the year the funds were embezzled but the
taxpayer was not allowed to exclude embezzled funds to be repaid in a subsequent
year.
8. Perception is the process of extracting information from stimulation emanating from
the objects, places, and events in the world around us.
9. Everybody knows that the most important thing about Charley is that Charley is a
good man.