ThisTowerofAshes

Mytowerisbuiltofbricks,smallsootgraybricksmortaredtogetherwithashinyblacksubstancethat
looksstrangelylikeobsidiantomyuntrainedeye,thoughitclearlycannotbeobsidian.Itsitsbyanarmof
theSkinnySea,twentyfeettallandsagging,theedgeoftheforestonlyafewfeetaway.

Ifoundthetowernearlyfouryearsago,whenSquirrelandIleftPortJamisoninthesilveraircarthatnow
liesguttedandovergrownintheweedsoutsidemydoorstep.TothisdayIknowalmostnothingaboutthe
structure,butIhavemytheories.

Idonotthinkitwasbuiltbymen,forone.ItclearlypredatesPortJamison,andIoftensuspectitpredates
humanspaceflight.Thebricks(whicharecuriouslysmall,lessthanaquarterthesizeofnormalbricks)
aretiredandweatheredandold,andtheycrumblevisiblybeneathmyfeet.DustiseverywhereandI
knowitssource,formorethanonceIhavepriedlooseabrickfromtheparapetontheroofandcrushedit
idlytofinedarkpowderinmynakedfist.Whenthesaltwindblowsfromtheeast,thetowerfliesaplume
ofashes.

Inside,thebricksareinbettercondition,sincethewindandtherainhavenottouchedthemquiteso
much,butthetowerisstillfarfrompleasant.Theinteriorisasingleroomfullofdustandechoes,without
windowstheonlylightcomesfromthecircularopeninginthecenteroftheroof.Aspiralstair,builtof
thesameancientbrickastherest,ispartofthewallaroundandarounditcircles,likethethreadingona
screw,beforeitreachesrooflevel.Squirrel,whoisquitesmallascatsgo,findsthestairseasyclimbing,
butforhumanfeettheyarenarrowandawkward.

ButIstillclimbthem.EachnightIreturnfromthecoolforests,myarrowsblackwiththecakedbloodof
thedreamspidersandmybagheavywiththeirpoisonsacs,andIsetasidemybowandwashmyhands
andthenclimbuptotherooftospendthelastfewhoursbeforedawn.Acrossthenarrowsaltchannel,the
lightsofPortJamisonburnontheisland,andfromupthereitisnotthecityIremember.Thesquareblack
buildingswearabrightromanticglowatnightthelights,allsmokyorangeandmutedblue,speakof
mysteryandsilentsongandmorethanalittleloneliness,whilethestarshipsriseandfallagainstthestars
likethetirelesswanderingfirefliesofmyboyhoodonOldEarth.

Therearestoriesoverthere,ItoldKorbeconce,beforeIhadlearnedbetter.Therearepeoplebehind
everylight,andeachpersonhasalife,astory.Onlytheyleadthosefiveswithoutevertouchingus,so
wellneverknowthestories.IthinkIgesturedthenIwas,ofcourse,quitedrunk.

Korbecansweredwithatoothysmileandashakeofhishead.Hewasagreatdarkfleshyman,witha
beardlikeknottedwire.Eachmonthhecameoutfromthecityinhispittedblackaircartodropoffmy
suppliesandtakethevenomIhadcollected,andeachmonthwewentuptotheroofandgotdrunk
together.Atrackdriver,thatwasallKorbecwas,asellerofcutratedreamsandsecondhandrainbows.
Buthefanciedhimselfaphilosopherandastudentofman.


Dontfoolyourself,hesaidtomethen,hisfaceflushwithwineanddarkness,yourenotmissing
nothin.Livesarerottenstories,yknow.Realstories,now,theyusuallygotaplottoem.Theystartand
theygoonabitandwhentheyendtheyreover,unlesstheguysgotaseriesgoin.Peopleslivesdont
dothatnohow,theyjustkindawanderaroundandrambleandgoonandon.Nothineverfinishes.

Peopledie,Isaid.Thatsenoughofafinish,Idthink.

Korbecmadealoudnoise.Sure,buthaveyoueverknownanybodytodieattherighttime?No,dont
happenthatway.Someguysfalloverbeforetheirliveshaveproperlygottenstarted,somerightinthe
middleofthebestpart.Otherskindalingeronaftereverythingisreallyover.

OftenwhenIsituptherealone,withSquirrelwarminmylapandaglassofwinebymyside,Iremember
Korbecswordsandtheheavywayhesaidthem,hiscoarsevoiceoddlygentle.Heisnotasmartman,
Korbec,butthatnightIthinkhespokethetruth,maybeneverrealizingithimself.Butthewearyrealism
thatheofferedmethenistheonlyantidotethereisforthedreamsthatspidersweave.

ButIamnotKorbec,norcanIbe,andwhileIrecognizehistruth,Icannotliveit.

Iwasoutsidetakingtargetpracticeinthelateafternoon,wearingnothingbutmyquiverandapairof
cutoffs,whentheycame.ItwasclosingonduskandIwaslooseningupformynightlyforayintothe
foresteveninthoseearlydaysIlivedfromtwilighttodawn,asthedreamspidersdo.Thegrassfelt
goodundermybarefeet,thedoublecurvedsilverwoodbowfeltevenbetterinmyhand,andIwas
shootingwell.

ThenIheardthemcoming.Iglancedovermyshouldertowardthebeach,andsawthedarkblueaircar
swellingrapidlyagainsttheeasternsky.Gerry,ofcourse,Iknewthatfromthesoundhisaircarhadbeen
makingnoisesaslongasIhadknownhim.

Iturnedmybackonthem,drewanotherarrowquitesteadyandnotchedmyfirstbullseyeoftheday.

Gerrysethisaircardownintheweedsnearthebaseofthetower,justafewfeetfrommyown.
Crystalwaswithhim,slimandgrave,herlonggoldhairfullofredglintsfromtheafternoonsun.
Theyclimbedoutandstartedtowardme.

Dontstandnearthetarget,Itoldthem,asIslippedanotherarrowintoplaceandbentthebow.How
didyoufindme?Thetwangofthearrowvibratinginthetargetpunctuatedmyquestion.

Theycircledwellaroundmylineoffire.Youdmentionedspottingthisplacefromtheaironce,Gerry
said,andweknewyouwerentanywhereinPortJamison.Figureditwasworthachance.Hestoppeda

fewfeetfromme,withhishandsonhiships,lookingjustasIrememberedhim:big,darkhairedandvery
fit.Crystalcameupbesidehimandputonehandlightlyonhisarm.

Iloweredmybowandturnedtofacethem.So.Well,youfoundme.Why?

Iwasworriedaboutyou,Johnny,Crystalsaidsoftly.ButsheavoidedmyeyeswhenIlookedather.

Gerryputahandaroundherwaist,verypossessively,andsomethingflaredwithinme.Runningaway
neversolvesanything,hetoldme,hisvoicefullofthestrangemixtureoffriendlyconcernand
patronizingarrogancehehadbeenusingonmeformonths.

Idid
not
runaway,Isaid,myvoicestrained.Damnit.Youshouldneverhavecome.

CrystalglancedatGerry,lookingverysad,anditwasclearthatsuddenlyshewasthinkingthesame
thing.Gerryjustfrowned.IdontthinkheeveronceunderstoodwhyIsaidthethingsIsaid,ordidthe
thingsIdidwheneverwediscussedthesubject,whichwasinfrequently,hewouldonlytellmewith
vaguepuzzlementwhathewouldhavedoneifourroleshadbeenreversed.Itseemedinfinitelystrangeto
himthatanyonecouldpossiblydoanythingdifferentlyinthesameposition.

Hisfrowndidnottouchme,buthedalreadydonehisdamage.ForthemonthIdbeeninmy
selfimposedexileatthetower,Ihadbeentryingtocometotermswithmyactionsandmymoods,andit
hadbeenfarfromeasy.CrystalandIhadbeentogetherforalongtimenearlyfouryearswhenwe
cametoJamisonsWorld,tryingtotrackdownsomeuniquesilverandobsidianartifactsthatwedpicked
uponBaldur.Ihadlovedherallthattime,andIstilllovedher,evennow,aftershehadleftmeforGerry.
WhenIwasfeelinggoodaboutmyself,itseemedtomethattheimpulsethathaddrivenmeoutofPort
Jamisonwasanobleandunselfishone.IwantedCrystobehappy,simply,andshecouldnotbehappy
withmethere.

Mywoundsweretoodeep,andIwasntgoodathidingthemmypresenceputthedamperofguiltonthe
newbornjoyshedfoundwithGerry.Andsinceshecouldnotbeartocutmeoffcompletely,Ifelt
compelledtocutmyselfoff.Forthem.Forher.

OrsoIlikedtotellmyself.Buttherewerehourswhenthatbrightrationalizationbrokedown,darkhours
ofselfloathing.Werethosetherealreasons?OrwasIsimplyouttohurtmyselfinafitofangry
immaturity,andbydoingso,punishthemlikeawillfulchildwhoplayswiththoughtsofsuicideasa
formofrevenge?

Ihonestlydidntknow.ForamonthIdfluctuatedfromonebelieftotheotherwhileItriedtounderstand
myselfanddecidewhatIddonext.Iwantedtothinkmyselfahero,willingtomakeasacrificeforthe
happinessofthewomanIloved.ButGerryswordsmadeitclearthathedidntseeitthatwayatall.

Whydoyouhavetobesodamneddramaticabouteverything?hesaid,lookingstubborn.Hehadbeen
determinedallalongtobeverycivilized,andseemedperpetuallyannoyedatmebecauseIwouldntshape

upandhealmywoundssothateverybodycouldbefriends.Nothingannoyedmequitesomuchashis
annoyanceIthoughtIwashandlingthesituationprettywell,allthingsconsidered,andIresentedthe
inferencethatIwasnt.

ButGerrywasdeterminedtoconvertme,andmybestwitheringlookwaswastedonhim.Weregoing
tostayhereandtalkthingsoutuntilyouagreetoflybacktoPortJamisonwithus,hetoldme,inhis
mostforcefulnowImgettingtoughtone.

Likeshit,Isaid,turningsharplyawayfromthemandyankinganarrowfrommyquiver.Isliditinto
place,pulled,andreleased,alltooquickly.Thearrowmissedthetargetbyagoodfootandburieditselfin
thesoftdarkbrickofmycrumblingtower.

What
is
thisplace,anyway?Crysasked,lookingatthetowerasifshedjustseenitforthefirsttime.
Itspossiblethatshehadthatittooktheincongruoussightofmyarrowlodginginstonetomakeher
noticetheancientstructure.Morelikely,though,itwasapremeditatedchangeofsubject,designedto
cooltheargumentthatwasbuildingbetweenGerryandme.

IloweredmybowagainandwalkeduptothetargettorecoverthearrowsIdexpended.Imreallynot
sure,Isaid,somewhatmollifiedandanxioustopickupthecueshedthrownme.Awatchtower,I
think,ofnonhumanorigin.JamisonsWorldhasneverbeenthoroughlyexplored.Itmayhavehada
sentientraceonce.Iwalkedaroundthetargettothetower,andyankedloosethefinalarrowfromthe
crumblingbrick.Itstillmay,actually.Weknowverylittleofwhatgoesononthemainland.

Adamngloomyplacetolive,ifyouaskme,Gerryputin,lookingoverthetower.Couldfallinany
moment,fromthewayitlooks.

Igavehimabemusedsmile.Thethoughthadoccurredtome.ButwhenIfirstcameouthere,Iwaspast
caring.Assoonasthewordswereout,IregrettedsayingthemCryswincedvisibly.Thathadbeenthe
wholestoryofmyfinalweeksinPortJamison.TryasImight,ithadseemedthatIhadonlytwochoices
Icouldlie,orIcouldhurther.Neitherappealedtome,sohereIwas.Butheretheyweretoo,sothewhole
impossiblesituationwasback.

Gerryhadanothercommentready,buthenevergottosayit.JustthenSquirrelcameboundingoutfrom
betweentheweeds,straightatCrystal.

Shesmiledathimandknelt,andaninstantlaterhewasatherfeet,lickingherhandandchewingonher
fingers.Squirrelwasinagoodmood,clearly.Helikedlifenearthetower.BackinPortJamison,hislife
hadbeenconstrainedbyCrystalsfearsthathedbeeatenbyalleysnarlsorchasedbydogsorstrungup
bylocalchildren.OuthereIlethimrunfree,whichwasmuchmoretohisliking.Thebrusharoundthe
towerwasoverrunbywhippingmice,anativerodentwithahairlesstailthreetimesitsownbodylength.
Thetailpackedamildsting,butSquirreldidntcare,eventhoughheswelledupandgotgrouchyevery
timeatailconnected.Helikedstalkingwhippingmiceallday.Squirrelalwaysfanciedhimselfagreat
hunter,andtheresnoskillinvolvedinchasingdownabowlofcatfood.


HedbeenwithmeevenlongerthanCryshad,butshedbecomesuitablyfondofhimduringourtime
together.IoftensuspectedthatCrystalwouldhavegonewithGerryevensoonerthanshedid,exceptthat
shewasupsetattheideaofleavingSquirrel.Notthathewasanygreatbeauty.Hewasasmall,thin,
scuffylookingcat,withearslikeafoxandfurascroungygraybrowncolor,andabigbushytailtwo
sizestoobigforhim.ThefriendwhogavehimtomebackonAvaloninformedmegravelythatSquirrel
wastheillegitimateoffspringofageneticallyengineeredpsicatandamangyalleytorn.ButifSquirrel
couldreadhisownersmind,hedidntpaymuchattention.Whenhewantedaffection,heddothingslike
climbrightuponthebookIwasreadingandknockitawayandbeginbitingmychin:whenhewantedto
beletalone,itwasdangerousfollytotrytopethim.

AsCrystalkneltbyhimandstrokedhimandSquirrelnuzzleduptoherhand,sheseemedverymuchthe
womanIdtraveledwithandlovedandtalkedtoatendlesslengthandsleptwitheverynight,andI
suddenlyrealizedhowIdmissedher.IthinkIsmiledthesightofher,evenundertheseconditions,still
gavemeacloudshadowedjoy.MaybeIwasbeingsillyandstupidandvindictivetosendthemaway,I
thought,aftertheyhadcomesofartoseeme.CryswasstillCrys,andGerrycouldhardlybesobad,since
shelovedhim.

Watchingher,wordless,ImadeasuddendecisionIwouldletthemstay.Andwecouldseewhat
happened.Itsclosetodusk,Iheardmyselfsaying.Areyoufolkshungry?

Cryslookedup,stillpettingSquirrel,andsmiled.Gerrynodded.Sure.

Allright,Isaid.Iwalkedpastthem,turnedandpausedinthedoorway,andgesturedtheminside.
Welcometomyruin.

Iturnedontheelectrictorchesandsetaboutmakingdinner.Mylockerswerewellstockedbackinthose
daysIhadnotyetstartedlivingofftheforests.Ithawedthreebigsandragons,thesilvershelled
crustaceanthatJamiefishermendraggedforrelentlessly,andservedthemupwithbreadandcheeseand
whitewine.

Mealtimeconversationwaspoliteandguarded.WetalkedofmutualfriendsinPortJamison,Crystaltold
meaboutalettershedreceivedfromacouplewehadknownonBaldur,Gerryheldforthonpoliticsand
theeffortsofthePortpolicetocrackdownonthetrafficindreamingvenom.TheCouncilissponsoring
researchonsomesortofsuperpesticidethatwouldwipeoutthedreamspiders,hetoldme.Asaturation
sprayingofthenearcoastwouldcutoffmostofthesupply,Idthink

Certainly,Isaid,abithighonthewineandabitpiquedatGerrysstupidity.Onceagain,listeningto
him,IhadfoundmyselfquestioningCrystalstaste.Nevermindwhatothereffectsitmighthaveonthe
ecology,right?

Gerryshrugged,Mainland,hesaidsimply.HewasJamiethroughandthrough,andthecomment
translatedto,Whocares?TheaccidentsofhistoryhadgiventheresidentsofJamisonsWorlda

singularlycavalierattitudetowardtheirplanetsonelargecontinent.Mostoftheoriginalsettlershad
comefromOldPoseidon,wheretheseahadbeenawayoflifeforgenerations.Therich,teemingoceans
andpeacefularchipelagoesoftheirnewworldhadattractedthemfarmorethanthedarkforestsofthe
mainland.Theirchildrengrewuptothesameattitudes,exceptforahandfulwhofoundanillegalprofit
sellingdreams.

Dontshrugitalloffsoeasy,Isaid.

Berealistic,hereplied.Themainlandsnousetoanyone,exceptthespidermen.Whowouldithurt?

Damnit,Gerry,lookatthistower!Wherediditcomefrom,tellmethat!Itellyou,theremightbe
intelligenceoutthere,inthoseforests.TheJamieshaveneverevenbeenbotheredtolook.

Crystalwasnoddingoverherwine.Johnnycouldberight,shesaid,glancingatGerry.ThatwaswhyI
camehere,remember.Theartifacts.TheshoponBaldursaidtheywereshippedoutofPortJamison.He
couldnttracethembackanyfartherthanthat.AndtheworkmanshipIvehandledalienartforyears,
Gerry.IknowFyndiiwork,andDamoosh,andIveseenalltheothers.Thiswasdifferent!

Gerryonlysmiled.Provesnothing.Thereareotherraces,millionsofthem,furtherintowardthecore.
Thedistancesaretoogreat,sowedonthearofthemveryoften,exceptmaybethirdhand,butitisnt
impossiblethateverysooftenapieceoftheirartwouldtricklethrough.Heshookhishead.No,Idbet
thistowerwasputupbysomeearlysettler.Whoknows?Couldbetherewasanotherdiscoverer,before
Jamison,whoneverreportedhisfind.Maybehebuilttheplace.ButImnotgoingtobuymainland
sentients.

Atleastnotuntilyoufumigatethedamnedforestsandtheyallcomeoutwavingtheirspears,Isaid
sourly.GerrylaughedandCrystalsmiledatme.Andsuddenly,suddenly,Ihadanoverpoweringdesireto
winthisargument.Mythoughtshadthehazyclaritythatonlywinecangive,anditseemedsological.I
wassoclearlyright,andherewasmychancetoshowupGerryliketheprovincialhewasandmake
pointswithCrys.

Ileanedforward.IfyouJamieswouldeverlook,youmightfindsentients,Isaid.Iveonlybeenonthe
mainlandamonth,andalreadyIvefoundagreatdeal.Youvenodamnedconceptofthekindofbeauty
youtalksoblithelyofwipingout.Awholeecologyisoutthere,differentfromtheislands,speciesupon
species,alotprobablynotevendiscoveredyet.Butwhatdoyouknowaboutit?Anyofyou?

Gerrynodded.So,showme.Hestoodupsuddenly.Imalwayswillingtolearn,Bowen.Whydont
youtakeusoutandshowusallthewondersofthemainland?

IthinkGerrywastryingtomakepoints,too.HeprobablyneverthoughtIdtakeuphisoffer,butitwas
exactlywhatIdwanted.Itwasdarkoutsidenow,andwehadbeentalkingbythelightofmytorches.
Above,starsshonethroughtheholeinmyroof.Theforestwouldbealivenow,eerieandbeautiful,andI

wassuddenlyeagertobeoutthere,bowinhand,inaworldwhereIwasaforceandafriend,Gerrya
bumblingtourist.

Crystal?Isaid.

Shelookedinterested.Soundslikefun.Ifitssafe.

Itwillbe,Isaid.Illtakemybow.

Webothrose,andCryslookedhappy.IrememberedthetimeswetackledBaldurianwildernesstogether,
andsuddenlyIfeltveryhappy,certainthateverythingwouldworkoutwell.Gerrywasjustpartofabad
dream.Shecouldntpossiblybeinlovewithhim.FirstIfoundthesoberupsIwasfeelinggood,butnot
goodenoughtoheadoutintotheforestwhenIwasstilldizzyfromwine.CrystalandIflippedoursdown
immediately,andsecondsaftermyalcoholicglowbegantofade.Gerry,however,wavedawaythepillI
offeredhim.

Ihaventhadthatmuch,heinsisted.Dontneedit.

Ishrugged,thinkingthatthingsweregettingbetterandbetter.IfGerrywentcrashingdrunkenlythrough
thewoods,itcouldnthelpbutturnCrysawayfromhim.Suityourself,Isaid.

Neitherofthemwasreallydressedforwilderness,butIhopedthatwouldntbeaproblem,sinceIdidnt
reallyplanontakingthemverydeepintheforest.Itwouldbeaquicktrip,Ithoughtwanderdownmy
trailabit,showthemthedustpileandthespiderchasm,maybenailadreamspiderforthem.Nothingto
it,outandbackagain.

Iputonadarkcoverall,heavytrailboots,andmyquiver,handedCrystalaflashincasewewandered
awayfromthebluemossregions,andpickedupmybow.

Youreallyneedthat?Gerryasked,withsarcasm.

Protection,Isaid.

Cantbethatdangerous.

Itisnt,ifyouknowwhatyouredoing,butIdidnttellhimthat.ThenwhydoyouJamiesstayonyour
islands?

Hesmiled.Idrathertrustalaser.

Imcultivatingadeathwish.Abowgivesthepreyachance,ofsorts.

Crysgavemeasmileofsharedmemories.Heonlyhuntspredators,shetoldGerry.Ibowed.Squirrel
agreedtoguardmycastle.Steadyandverysureofmyself,Ibeltedonaknifeandledmyexwifeandher
loveroutintotheforestsofJamisonsWorld.

Wewalkedinsinglefile,closetogether,meupfrontwiththebow,Crysfollowing,Gerrybehindher.
Crysusedtheflashlightwhenwefirstsetout,playingitoverthetrailaswewoundourwaythroughthe
thickgroveofspikearrowsthatstoodlikeawallagainstthesea.Tallandverystraight,crustygrayofbark
andsomeasbigaroundasmytower,theyclimbedtoaridiculousheightbeforesproutingtheirmeager
loadofbranches.Hereandtheretheycrowdedtogetherandsqueezedthepathbetweenthem,andmore
thanoneseeminglyimpassablefenceofwoodconfrontedussuddenlyinthedark.ButCryscouldalways
pickouttheway,withmeafootaheadofhertopointherflashwhenitpaused.

Tenminutesoutfromthetower,thecharacteroftheforestbegantochange.Thegroundandtheveryair
weredrierhere,thewindcoolbutwithoutthesnapofsaltthewaterhungryspikearrowshaddrained
mostofthemoisturefromtheair.Theybegantogrowsmallerandlessfrequent,thespacesbetweenthem
largerandeasiertofind.Otherspeciesofplantbegantoappear:stuntedlittlegoblintrees,sprawling
mockoaks,gracefulebonfireswhoseredveinspulsedbrilliandyinthedarkwoodwhencaughtby
Crystalswanderingflash.

Andbluemoss.

Justalittleatfirstherearopywebdanglingfromagoblinsarm,thereasmallpatchontheground,
frequentlychewingitswayupthebackofanebonfireorawitheringsolitaryspikearrow.Thenmoreand
morethickcarpetsunderfoot,mossyblanketsontheleavesabove,heavytrailersthatdangledfromthe
branchesanddancedaroundinthewind.Crystalsenttheflashdartingabout,findingbiggerandbetter
bunchesofthesoftbluefungus,andperipherallyIbegantoseetheglow.

Enough,Isaid,andCrysturnedoffthelight.

Darknesslastedonlyforamoment,tilloureyesadjustedtoadimmerlight.Aroundus,theforestwas
suffusedbyagentleradiance,asthebluemossdrenchedusinitsghostlyphosphorescence.Wewere
standingnearonesideofasmallclearing,belowashinyblackebonfire,buteventheflamesofits
redveinedwoodseemedcoolinthefaintbluelight.Themosshadtakenovertheundergrowth,
supplantingallthelocalgrassesandmakingnearbyshrubsintofuzzybluebeachballs.Itclimbedthesides
ofmostofthetrees,andwhenwelookedupthroughthebranchesatthestars,wesawthatothercolonies
hadsetuponthewoodsaglowingcrown.

Ilaidmybowcarefullyagainstthedarkflankoftheebonfire,bent,andofferedahandfuloflightto
Crystal.WhenIhelditunderherchin,shesmiledatmeagain,herfeaturessoftenedbythecoolmagicin
myhand.Irememberfeelingverygood,tohaveledthemtothisbeauty.

ButGerryonlygrinnedatme.Isthiswhatweregoingtoendanger,Bowen?heasked.Aforestfull
ofbluemoss?


Idroppedthemoss.Youdontthinkitspretty?

Gerryshrugged.Sure,itspretty.Itisalsoafungus,aparasitewithadangeroustendencytooverrunand
crowdoutallotherformsofplantlife.BluemosswasverythickonJolostarandtheBarbisArchipelago
once,youknow.Werooteditalloutitcaneatitswaythroughagoodcorncropinamonth.Heshook
hishead.

AndCrystalnodded.Hesright,youknow,shesaid.

Ilookedatherforalongtime,suddenlyfeelingverysoberindeed,thelastmemoryofthewinelong
gone.AbruptlyitdawnedonmethatIhad,allunthinking,builtmyselfanotherfantasy.Outhere,ina
worldIhadstartedtomakemyown,aworldofdreamspidersandmagicmoss,somehowIhadthought
thatIcouldrecapturemyowndreamlongfled,mysmilingcrystallinesoulmate.Inthetimeless
wildernessofthemainland,shewouldseeusbothinfreshlightandwouldrealizeonceagainthatitwas
mesheloved.

SoIdspunaprettyweb,brightandalluringasthetrapofanydreamspider,andCryshadshatteredthe
flimsyfilamentswithaword.Shewashisminenolonger,notnow,notever.AndifGerryseemedtome
stupidorinsensitiveoroverpractical,well,perhapsitwasthoseveryqualitiesthatmadeCryschoosehim.
AndperhapsnotIhadnorighttosecondguessherlove,andpossiblyIwouldneverunderstandit.

IbrushedthelastflakesofglowingmossfrommyhandswhileGerrytooktheheavyflashfromCrystal
andflickeditonagain.Mybluefairylanddissolved,burnedawaybythebrightwhiterealityofhis
flashlightbeam.Whatnow?heasked,smiling.Hewasnotsoverydrunkafterall.

IliftedmybowfromwhereIdsetitdown.Followme,Isaid,quickly,curtly.Bothofthemlooked
eagerandinterested,butmyownmoodhadshifteddramatically.Suddenlythewholetripseemed
pointless.Iwishedthattheyweregone,thatIwasbackatmytowerwithSquirrel.

Iwasdown

andsinking.Deeperinthemossheavywoods,wecameuponadarkswiftstream,andthebrillianceof
theflashlightspearedasolitaryironhornthathadcometodrink.Itlookedupquickly,paleandstartled,
thenboundedawaythroughthetrees,forafleetinginstantlookingabitliketheunicornofOldEarth
legend.LonghabitmademeglanceatCrystal,buthereyessoughtGerryswhenshelaughed.

Later,asweclimbedarockyincline,acaveloomednearathandfromthesmell,awoodsnarllair.

Iturnedtowarnthemaroundit,onlytodiscoverthatIdlostmyaudience.Theyweretenstepsbehind
me,atthebottomoftherocks,walkingveryslowlyandtalkingquietly,holdinghands.

Darkandangry,wordless,Iturnedawayagainandcontinuedonoverthehill.Wedidnotspeakagain
untilIdfoundthedustpile.

Ipausedonitsedge,mybootsaninchdeepinthefinegraypowder,andtheycamestragglingupbehind
me.

Goahead,Gerry,Isaid.Useyourflashhere.

Thelightroamed.Thehillwasatourback,rockyandlithereandtherewiththeblurredcoldfireof
bluemosschokedvegetation.Butinfrontofuswasonlydesolationawidevacantplain,blackand
blastedandlifeless,opentothestars.BackandforthGerrymovedtheflashlight,pushingatthebordersof
thedustnearby,fadingasheshoneitstraightoutintothegraydistance.Theonlysoundwasthewind.

So?hesaidatlast.

Feelthedust,Itoldhim.Iwasnotgoingtostoopthistime.Andwhenyourebackatthetower,crush
oneofmybricksandfeelthat.Itsthesamething,asortofpowderyash.Imadeanexpansivegesture.
Idguesstherewasacityhereonce,butnowitsallcrumbledintodust.Maybemytowerwasanoutpost
ofthepeoplewhobuiltit,yousee?

Thevanishedsentientsoftheforests,Gerrysaid,stillsmiling.Well,Illadmittheresnothinglikethis
ontheislands.Foragoodreason.Wedontletforestfiresrageunchecked.

Forestfire!Dontgivemethat.Forestfiresdontreduceeverythingtoafinepowder,youalwaysgeta
fewblackenedstumpsorsomething.

Oh?Youreprobablyright.ButalltheruinedcitiesIknowhaveatleastafewbricksstillpiledontopof
eachotherforthetouriststotakepicturesof,Gerrysaid.Theflashbeamflickedtoandfrooverthedust
pile,dismissingit.Allyouhaveisamoundofrubbish.

Crystalsaidnothing.

Ibeganwalkingback,whiletheyfollowedinsilence.Iwaslosingpointseveryminuteithadbeenidiocy
tobringthemouthere.Atthatmomentnothingmorewasonmymindthangettingbacktomytoweras
quicklyaspossible,packingthemofftoPortJamisontogether,andresumingmyexile.Crystalstopped
me,afterwedcomebackoverthehillintothebluemossforest.

Johnny,shesaid.Istopped,theycaughtup,Cryspointed.

Turnoffthelight,ItoldGerry.Inthefainterilluminationofthemoss,itwaseasiertospot:theintricate
iridescentwebofadreamspider,slantinggroundwardfromthelowbranchesofamockoak.Thepatches
ofmossthatshonesoftlyallarounduswerenothingtothiseachwebstrandwasasthickasmylittle
finger,oilyandbrilliant,runningwiththecolorsoftherainbow.


Crystookasteptowardit,butItookherbythearmandstoppedher.Thespidersarearoundsomeplace,
Isaid.Dontgotooclose.Papaspiderneverleavestheweb,andMamarangesaroundinthetreesat
night.

Gerryglancedupwardalittleapprehensively.Hisflashwasdark,andsuddenlyhedidntseemtohaveall
theanswers.Thedreamspidersaredangerouspredators,andIsupposehedneverseenoneoutsideofa
displaycase.Theywerentnativetotheislands.

Prettybigweb,hesaid.Spidersmustbeafairsize.

Fair,Isaid,andatonceIwasinspired.Icoulddiscomforthimalotmoreifanordinaryweblikethis
gottohim.Andhehadbeendiscomfortingmeallnight.Followme.Illshowyouarealdreamspider.

Wecircledaroundthewebcarefully,neverseeingeitherofitsguardians.Iledthemtothespiderchasm.

ItwasagreatVinthesandyearth,onceacreekbedperhaps,butdryandovergrownnow.Thechasmis
hardlyverydeepbydaylight,butatnightitlooksformidableenough,asyoustaredownintoitfromthe
woodedhillsoneitherside.Thebottomisadarktangleofshrubbery,alivewithlittleflickeringphantom
lightshigherup,treesofallkindsleanintothechasm,almostmeetinginthecenter.Oneofthem,infact,
doescrossthegap.Anancient,rottingspikearrow,witheredbylackofmoisture,hadfallenlongagoto
provideanaturalbridge.Thebridgehangswithbluemoss,andglows.Thethreeofuswalkedoutonthat
dimlit,curvingtrunk,andIgestureddown.

Yardsbelowus,aglitteringmultihuednethungfromhilltohill,eachstrandofthewebthickasacable
andaglistenwithstickyoils.Ittiedallthelowertreestogetherinatwistingintricateembrace,anditwasa
shiningfairyroofabovethechasm.Veryprettyitmadeyouwanttoreachoutandtouchit.That,of
course,waswhythedreamspidersspunit.Theywerenocturnalpredators,andthebrightcolorsoftheir
websafireinthenightmadeapotentlure.

Look,Crystalsaid,thespider.Shepointed.Inoneofthedarkercornersoftheweb,halfhiddenbythe
tangleofagoblintreethatgrewoutoftherock,itwassitting.Icouldseeitdimly,bythewebfireand
mosslight,agreateightleggedwhitethingthesizeofalargepumpkin.Unmoving.Waiting.
Gerryglancedarounduneasilyagain,upintothebranchesofacrookedmockoakthathungpartially
aboveus.Thematesaroundsomewhere,isntit?

Inodded.ThedreamspidersofJamisonsWorldarenotquitetwinstothearachnidsofOldEarth.The
femaleisindeedthedeadlierofthespecies,butfarfromeatingthemale,shetakeshimforlifeina
permanentspecializedpartnership.Foritisthesluggish,greatbodiedmalewhowearsthespinnerets,
whoweavestheshiningfirewebandmakesitstickywithhisoils,whobindsandtiesthepreysnaredby
lightandcolor.Meanwhile,thesmallerfemaleroamsthedarkbranches,herpoisonsacfulloftheviscous
dreamingvenomthatgrantsbrightvisionsandecstasyandfinalblackness.Creaturesmanytimesherown
sizeshestings,anddragslimpbacktothewebtoaddtothelarder.Thedreamspidersaresoft,merciful

huntersforallthat.Iftheypreferlivefood,nomatterthecaptiveprobablyenjoysbeingeaten.Popular
Jamiewisdomsaysaspiderspreymoanswithjoyasitisconsumed.Likeallpopularwisdoms,itis
vastlyexaggerated.Butthetruthis,thecaptivesneverstruggle.

Exceptthatnight,somethingwasstrugglinginthewebbelowus.

Whatsthat?Isaid,blinking.Theiridescentwebwasnotevenclosetoemptythehalfeatencorpseof
anironhornlaycloseathandbelowus,andsomegreatdarkbatwasboundinbrightstrandsjustslightly
fartherawaybutthesewerenotwhatIwatched.Inthecorneroppositethemalespider,nearthewestern
trees,somethingwascaughtandfluttering.Irememberabriefglimpseofthrashingpalelimbs,wide
luminouseyes,andsomethinglikewings.ButIdidnotseeitclearly.

ThatwaswhenGerryslipped.

Maybeitwasthewinethatmadehimunsteady,ormaybethemossunderourfeet,orthecurveofthe
trunkonwhichwestood.MaybehewasjusttryingtosteparoundmetoseewhateveritwasIwasstaring
at.But,inanycase,heslippedandlosthisbalance,letoutayelp,andsuddenlyhewasfiveyardsbelow
us,caughtintheweb.Thewholethingshooktotheimpactofhisfall,butitdidntcomeclosetobreaking
dreamspiderwebsarestrongenoughtocatchironhornsandwoodsnarls,afterall.

Damn,Gerryyelled.Helookedridiculousonelegplungedrightdownthroughthefibersoftheweb,
hisarmshalfsunkandtangledhopelessly,onlyhisheadandshouldersreallyfreeofthemess.Thisstuff
issticky.Icanhardlymove.

Donttry,Itoldhim.Itlljustgetworse.Illfigureoutawaytoclimbdownandcutyouloose.Ive
gotmyknife.Ilookedaround,searchingforatreelimbtoshimmyouton.

John
,Crystalsvoicewastense,onedge.

Themalespiderhadlefthislurkingplacebehindthegoblintree.HewasmovingtowardGerrywitha
heavydeliberategaitagrosswhiteshapeclamoringoverthepreternaturalbeautyofhisweb.

Damn,Isaid.Iwasntseriouslyalarmed,butitwasabother.ThegreatmalewasthebiggestspiderId
everseen,anditseemedashametokillhim.ButIdidntseethatIhadmuchchoice.Themale
dreamspiderhasnovenom,butheisacarnivore,andhisbitecanbemostfinal,especiallywhenhesthe
sizeofthisone.IcouldntlethimgetwithinbitingdistanceofGerry.

Steadily,carefully,Idrewalonggrayarrowoutofmyquiverandfittedittomybowstring.Itwasnight,
ofcourse,butIwasntreallyworried.Iwasagoodshot,andmytargetwasoutlinedclearlybythe
glowingstrandsofhisweb.

Crystalscreamed.

Istoppedbriefly,annoyedthatshedpanicwheneverythingwasundercontrol.ButIknewallalongthat
shewouldnot,ofcourse.Itwassomethingelse.ForaninstantIcouldntimaginewhatitcouldbe.

ThenIsaw,asIfollowedCryseyeswithmyown.Afatwhitespiderthesizeofabigmansfisthad
droppeddownfromthemockoaktothebridgewewerestandingon,nottenfeetawayCrystal,thankGod,
wassafebehindme.

Istoodtherehowlong?Idontknow.IfIhadjustacted,withoutstopping,withoutthought,Icould
havehandledeverything.Ishouldhavetakencareofthemalefirst,withthearrowIhadready.There
wouldhavebeenplentyoftimetopullasecondarrowforthefemale.

ButIfrozeinstead,caughtinthatdarkbrightmoment,foraninstanttimeless,mybowinmyhandyet
unabletoact.

Itwasallsocomplicated,suddenly.Thefemalewasscuttlingtowardme,fasterthanIwouldhave
believed,anditseemedsomuchquickeranddeadlierthantheslowwhitethingbelow.PerhapsIshould
takeitoutfirst.Imightmiss,andthenIwouldneedtimetogoformyknifeorasecondarrow.

ExceptthatwouldleaveGerrytangledandhelplessunderthejawsofthemalethatmovedtowardhim
inexorably.Hecoulddie.Hecoulddie.Crystalcouldneverblameme.Ihadtosavemyself,andher,she
wouldunderstandthat.AndIdhaveherbackagain.

Yes.

NO!

Crystalwasscreaming,screaming,andsuddenlyeverythingwasclearandIknewwhatithadallmeant
andwhyIwashereinthisforestandwhatIhadtodo.Therewasamomentofglorioustranscendence.I
hadlostthegiftofmakingherhappy,myCrystal,butnowforamomentsuspendedintimethatpower
hadreturnedtome,andIcouldgiveorwithholdhappinessforever.Withanarrow,Icouldprovealove
thatGerrywouldnevermatch.

IthinkIsmiled.ImsureIdid.

Andmyarrowflewdarklythroughthecoolnight,andfounditsmarkinthebloatedwhitespiderthat
racedacrossaweboflight.

Thefemalewasonme,andImadenomovetokickitawayorcrushitbeneathmyheel.Therewasa
sharpstabbingpaininmyankle.

Brightandmanycoloredarethewebsthedreamspidersweave.

Atnight,whenIreturnfromtheforests,Icleanmyarrowscarefullyandopenmygreatknife,withits
slimbarbedblade,tocutapartthepoisonsacsIvecollected.Islitthemopen,eachinturn,asIhave
earliercutthemfromthestillwhitebodiesofthedreamspiders,andthenIdrainthevenomoffintoa
bottle,towaitforthedaywhenKorbecfliesouttocollectit.

AfterwardsIsetouttheminiaturegoblet,exquisitelywroughtinsilverandobsidianandbrightwith
spidermotifs,andpouritfulloftheheavyblackwinetheybringmefromthecity.Istirthecupwithmy
knife,aroundandarounduntilthebladeisshinycleanagainandthewinea
trifledarkerthanbefore.AndIascendtotheroof.

OftenKorbecswordswillreturntomethen,andwiththemmystory.Crystalmylove,andGerry,anda
nightoflightsandspiders.Itallseemedsoveryrightforthatbriefmoment,whenIstooduponthe
mosscoveredbridgewithanarrowinmyhand,anddecided.Andithasallgonesoveryverywrong

fromthemomentIawoke,afteramonthoffeverandvisions,tofindmyselfinthetowerwhereCrys
andGerryhadtakenmetonursemebacktohealth.Mydecision,mytranscendentchoice,wasnotso
finalasIwouldhavethought.

AttimesIwonderifitwasachoice.Wetalkedaboutit,often,whileIregainedmystrength,andthetale
thatCrystaltellsmeisnottheonethatIremember.Shesaysthatweneversawthefemaleatall,untilit
wastoolate,thatitdroppedsilentlyontomyneckjustasIreleasedthearrowthatkilledthemale.Then,
shesays,shesmasheditwiththeflashlightthatGerryhadgivenhertohold,andIwenttumblingintothe
web.

Infact,thereisawoundonmyneck,andnoneonmyankle.Andherstoryhasaringoftruth.ForIhave
cometoknowthedreamspidersintheslowflowingyearssincethatnight,andIknowthatthefemales
arestealthykillersthatdropdownontheirpreyunawares.Theydonotchargeacrossfallentreeslike
berserkironhornsitisnotthespidersway.

AndneitherCrystalnorGerryhasanymemoryofapalewingedthingflappingintheweb.YetI
rememberitclearlyasIrememberthefemalespiderthatscuttledtowardmeduringtheendlessyears
thatIstoodfrozenbutthentheysaythebiteofadreamspiderdoesstrangethingstoyourmind.

Thatcouldbeit,ofcourse.

SometimeswhenSquirrelcomesbehindmeupthestairs,scrapingthesootybrickswithhiseightwhite
legs,thewrongnessofitallhitsme,andIknowIvedweltwithdreamstoolong.

Yetthedreamsareoftenbetterthanthewaking,thestoriessomuchfinerthanthelives.

Crystaldidnotcomebacktome,thenorever.TheyleftwhenIwashealthy.AndthehappinessId
broughtherwiththechoicethatwasnotachoiceandthesacrificenotasacrifice,mygifttoherforever

itlastedlessthanayear.KorbectellsmethatsheandGerrybrokeupviolently,andthatshehassinceleft
JamisonsWorld.

Isupposethatstruthenough,ifyoucanbelieveamanlikeKorbec.Idontworryaboutitovermuch.

Ijustkilldreamspiders,drinkwine,petSquirrel.AndeachnightIclimbthistowerofashestogazeat
distantlights.