Driven by Ego Adapted from Steve Coveys The 8

th

Habit
Note: this article reflects the laypersons definition of an ego-driven nature as a pride-based, selfabsorbed concept. This differs from the more complex professional definition.
A self-absorbed, I-centric, ego-driven persona is typical of ones childhood and teen years. We
perceive ourselves as the center of our own universes and exist to be served by others
(dependence) and to serve ourselves (independence). As we mature, many of us struggle to make
the further transition to a level of interdependence where we work cooperatively with others.
Ego-driven people think win-lose, seek first to be understood, seek first to influence, control, and
dominate others. One can still reach a level of independent success when driven by ego, but team
success will be difficult to achieve .
Ego limits oneself from moving forwards in terms of personal growth, and if left unchecked, this can
sabotage a team. Those in power are most conspicuous in their ego-driven approach, and are in
position to do the most harm.
Ego serves itself. It doesnt concern itself
with the greater good of others. It focuses on
ones own survival, pleasure, and
enhancement to the exclusion of others.
It focuses on ones own thoughts and feelings,
while dismissing those of others
Ego has a biased memory.
It cannot be impartial when it plays a
role in events. It constantly censors
information, and denies much of
reality. Ego will read this article and
say, I know someone just like that.
Ego sees in black and white. It
sees relationships in terms of
threat or no threat, like little
children who would classify
someone as Shes nice or
Shes mean. Ego-driven
personas tend to look upon
others as either allies or
enemies, and then act
accordingly towards them.
Being wrapped up in its own drama, ego can
be blind to the foolishness of its own behavior.
It colors itself in brighter colors while casting
others more darkly.
Ego is certain, and ever-willing to fight to
prove it. Being right is very important to ego,
and this creates a rigid stance. Ego, preferring
the role of an expert, will give its opinion and

seek to influence, but remains somewhat

inflexible and unwilling to be influenced.
Ego holds its own feelings paramount.
Being internally-driven, ego regards its
emotions as pure truth, and takes actions
based on this viewpoint.
Ego cant sleep. It micromanages. It
excels in control. It disempowers others.
It wants to do it all, and do it better than
anyone else.
Ego is vulnerable. Despite its apparent
strength and confidence, ego is
characterized by a personal vulnerability
thats almost child-like, and leads to
reactivity.
Ego is thin-skinned and very sensitive to
perceived attacks. Its threatened by negative
feedback and punishes the messenger. It
interprets all data in terms of self-preservation.
Ego reacts. It protects its own turf with a
vengeance. It has little discernment in deciding
how severe a crisis or threat really is. The
smallest of things can be just as upsetting as
serious issues or a genuine crisis.
Ego is needy. It craves positive attention,
approval, and recognition. It comes from a
place of emotional instability. Beneath

apparent arrogance, ego can be masking

insecurity and low self-worth.
Ego hurts. Its very sensitive about self. Such
self-absorption means that ego can very
insensitive towards others. Not hat ego is
hard-hearted. Its just that being so thinskinned ensures that ego will over-focus on its
own emotions. As a result, ego can dish it out
but cant take it in return.
Ego distorts reality. It has an over-inflated
view of itself. To maintain a positive sense of
self, ego denies ones own faults, and
magnifies those of others.

Though it may be selfishly ambitious, it can

hide it well. It will play well with others to slowly
gain leverage and advantage.
Ego flies solo. It doesnt do team. It may
speak of WE then act for ME. It doesnt
synergize with others by building upon
complimentary strengths. Because it wont
acknowledge any weaknesses, it wont team
up with others to overcome them. It misses out
on the powerful effect of synergy.
People can tire of serving on a team where
other team members, driven by ego, serve
only themselves.
As opposed to the blatant ego-maniac who is
irritating but relatively harmless, the highlypolitical version of ego can be the most
dangerous. It will gradually consolidate power
and influence and can do a lot of damage to a
team with their continual gamesmanship
happening insidiously behind the scenes.

Ego creates blind spots. It perpetuates

personal vulnerability, and fuels insensitivity
towards others. Egos interpretation of events
is disturbingly one-sided.
Ego doesnt apologize easily. It cant readily
admit mistakes nor acknowledge any
weaknesses. Ego hides its mistakes.
Ego makes for an aggressive nature that
serves reluctantly. It offers a less-open
heart and a less-open mind. They tend to be
aggressive when provoked, and their
threshold for anger and aggression can be
surprisingly low.
Ego can become accustomed to getting its
way through aggressive tactics. Though many
people tend to be overly passive, that
certainly doesnt apply to the ego-driven.
Ego often wears a mask. Ego can be
blatant, or very subversive. Even ego
understands that any public displays of itself
are socially unacceptable, so it often masks
itself behind kindness and pleasantries.

Ego plays win-lose. This creates a dynamic

of win-over rather than win-with. Conversations
tend to be competitive, involving games of
one-upmanship and battles for airtime.
Ego mishandles conflict. It personalizes
issues, and remains very sensitive to
perceived attacks. It tends to turn things
adversarial and escalate tensions.
Ego is myopic and
interprets all of life
through its own agenda.
It points an accusing finger
at others while coverings
any evidence of its own
crimes. It will magnify the
faults of others, while
covering up its own.
Ego holds ground. It fights
to be right and wants to get in
the last word. It may give the
kiss of yes to others but
subversively sabotage efforts.

Ego wants to be right. It tends to take a told

you so approach that wants to show how
right and how smart they are.
Ego transfers faults. It will project
its own faults onto others. Like the
pot calling the kettle black, ego tends
to be most upset when others
display the very qualities that it has
yet to acknowledge and deal with in
itself.
Ego takes action. It enjoys
dominance rather than submission,
so it prefers the active role. It
prefers talking to listening, and
conversations can often border on
monologues.
Ego will try to talk its way to success,
even to the point putting others into quite
submission. Ego never tires of the fight.
Ego is hungry and demands to be continually
fed. It craves status, respect, and recognition.
It values these far above personal growth and
character development. In other words, ego
plays to win the outside game of
appearances, not the inside game of personal
growth.
Ego destroys trust. Once provoked, ego,
will, like a mean dog, turn and bite the hands
of acquaintances. Emotional outbursts tend to
be explosive and unpredictable.
People are turned off once theyve
been aggressively burned by the
dragon. They lose trust, and revert
to strategies of avoidance and
walking on eggshells to minimize
any future harm.
Ego competes. It plays to win and
hates to lose. It will compete on any
front it can win, and avoid those it
feels it cant win.
Ego want to feel superior to be
better than others, and enjoys
games such as one-upmanship.

Ego self-promotes. It wants the world to know

of its strengths and victories. It will emphasize
the value of its own strengths as well as the
weaknesses of others.
Conversely, ego will diminish the strengths of
others along with any weaknesses of its
own.
Ego always keeps score. It gives favors,
expecting reciprocation back, and enjoys
being in a position of you owe me.
Ego poses. Its far more concerned
about appearances than performance.
Like a peacock it proudly displays its
superiority over other perceived rivals
in a self-aggrandizing manner.
Ego embraces social status, and is prone
to posturing. It wants to be recognized as
having more elegance, intelligence, and
sophistication than others.
Ego enjoys being the expert. It embraces the
role of being the one with all the answers. It
will keep information from others so it can
maintain this status. It will defend its turf and
act with absolute certainty. Because it refrains
from open curiosity or asking questions that
could reveal a lack of knowledge, ego tends to
learn slower.
Ego remembers. It carries grudges and all the
baggage of past issues. It may seek revenge
on those it perceives to have been hurt by, and
ensures that payback will be double.
Ego reciprocates. Give kindness and ego will
pay back and then some. Give pain and ego
will pay back and then some.
Ego measures status and positional power.
Ego wants to be on top all the time. If youre
perceived as equal or above, ego will compete
to prove itself. If youre considered below, ego
will dismiss, ignore, or invalidate you.
Ego plays a continual game of trying to elevate
itself within any group. It can be a blatant selfpromoter and will often seek to put others
down.

Ego has a comparison-based identity. It

wants to keep others in their place, take them
down a notch, or prevent them from rising up.
Ego is prone to posing, posturing, and any
symbols of power and prestige.
Comparison-based ego wants to be betterthan, to look better-than, and to be rewarded
better-than. Ego can be very threatened by
the success and growth of confidence of
others.
Ego seeks power. It favors master-slave
relationships that involve co-dependency
with ego-driven leaders who control most
everything, and manager-dependent
underlings who willingly subjugate themselves
to such control.
Its an unhealthy
dynamic that limits
the growth of all
involved.
Ego is usually quite
eager to teach,
seeing that as a
position of dominance,
but its less willing to be
taught, seeing that as a
position of submission.
This makes coachability questionable.
Ego thrives in the drama triangle. It reacts
in a victimized manner - counterattacking
openly or subversively, then justifying hostile
actions.
Ego has a killer instinct. It employs tactics
that attempt the character
assassination of perceived
rivals. It engages in
case-building against
others and searches
for sympathetic
rescuers to add as allies.
Ego, once provoked, acts
as if it has a free to be
toxic pass based upon the
perceived transgressions of
others. It may counter-attack

directly or more subversively through sniper

tactics (back-stabbing and gossiping).
Ego wants a lead role in the play. It enjoys
playing the rescuing hero or the sacrificing
martyr. Being simply a team member is not
enough to feed a hungry ego.
Ego is a survivor. It acts out of selfpreservation and has often arisen from a harsh
background. Even when life improves, this
scarcity-minded survival mode has become the
norm for everyday living.
With ego, tension levels tend to remain high.
And even if it claws its way to the top, ego can
never find peace and contentment.
Ego gets results. It can fuel tremendous drive
to succeed that leads to great personal
success. Unfortunately, ego has difficulty
making the transition from personal success to
team success.
Ego wants to be the star player. Even on a
team, others are there to serve them. Though
they may be appreciated for their gamebreaking talent, teamwork often suffers under
the selfish play of the ego-driven performer.
They remain insufferable, and when their talent
fades, their value drops off dramatically.
Can you think of any ego-driven athletes that
fall into this pattern?
Ego plays by two sets of rules. The ones
others must abide by, and the endless
exceptions that ego entitles itself. Ego relaxes
the rules for its inner-circle of perceived allies,
while holding others accountable to
expectations of higher conduct.
Inevitably, ego shows its true face,
particularly under stress. At this
point, others see the duplicity,
the hidden agendas, and the
lack of integrity.
Even when its not fooling
anyone, ego will still play the
charade, if only to convince itself of
nobler intentions.

Many long for the perceived lifestyle rewards that success offers the easy life.
Ego suggests that the ends justify the means - that admirable ends can be obtained through
whatever means possible.
Ghandis teaching indicate that admirable ends, gained through the wrong means, will eventually
turn to dust in your hands.
Ghandi taught that 7 things will destroy us
1.wealth without work
2. pleasure without conscience
3. knowledge without character
4. commerce without morality
5. science without humanity
6. worship without sacrifice
7. politics without principle
What is the antidote to being ego driven? Ego-centric doesnt mean a bad heart; its more a
question of maturity, values, and priorities. Unfortunately, lifetime patterns are difficult to change,
particularly when theyve worked somewhat successfully in the past. People can change if they
really want to, though it certainly wouldnt be easy.
Consider the following points
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

Learn to give yourself whatever it is you need so you dont interact from a position of longing.
Learn to give others that which you want, so youll get it back in return.
Let go of being right - work instead on being kind.
Accept an abundance mentality. Learn to give freely.
Develop a conscience a greater concern for others.
Demonstrate a willingness to apologize. Let others people know that the relationship is more
important and worth preserving.
7. Learn to forgive and let go.
8. Seek professional counsel.
People who live by ego instead of conscience, will not experience internal integrity and peace of
mind. They will find their ego attempting to control relationships. Even though they might feign
kindness and empathy, they will continue to use subtle forms of manipulation and will even go so far
as to engage in kind but dictatorial behavior.
A glaring lack of conscience has been the downfall of many leaders. Can you think of any?
The private victory of integrity is the foundation for the public victories that come with vision,
discipline and passion. Leadership becomes an interdependent exchange rather than an immature
interplay between strong independent, ego-driven rulers and compliant, dependent followers.
Value of this document?
-put key issues on the table
-can be a wake up call for some
-effective tool for self-vigilance

Problem of this document?

-one-sided, negative viewpoint unbalanced
-can be used improperly tool for judgment and blame
-does nothing to help us clean out our own buckets regarding communication breakdown
Whenever we begin thinking the problem is out there we become more disempowered, and add to
our own in here problems.
The real problem isnt so much that others are the problem and must change, its that we need to
1. get better at keeping our own buckets clean. Otherwise we get stuck on past issues, poison
ourselves with negativity, reinforce a blaming habit, and limit our own potential. In other
words, we become the bigger problem when we fail to clear issues.
2. demonstrate integrity, courage, and consideration by going to the source and dealing with
issues. When we engage in back-biting we hurt others, diminish ourselves, poison
relationships, compromise our team, and fail to help anyone.
3. learn to emphasize and nurture the best in people, not remain fixated on weaknesses.
Support each other as a family, not spread doubt and undermine each other.
4. focus on our own performance, and keeping all our communication channels open.
Our choices are
1. avoid, harbor, and blame. This choice can sabotage a team and ourselves.
2. avoid, let go, and support. Difficult to let go, and this choice perpetuates the status quo.
3. confront, get messy, and grow. This choice grows people and relationships.
The trouble is, we dont like getting messy, were risk adverse, we fear confrontations, we avoid
discomfort and unpleasant feelings, and its so much easier and convenient to paint others as at
fault.