Ask the Expert

TEENAGERS ASK ANY ADVICE FROM PARENTS, FRIENDS, LOVE LIFE

By Chelsea Gomez March 2010 Volume

Topic of the month: Teens dealing with their parents

Sara, 15 years old, Wil- there must be a reason hurting others or doing from parents is a
liamstown, NC behind it. Are your new drugs.” In simpler terms, necessary part of the
My parents are always friends people that your most parents don’t want development of healthy
telling me that they parents would want you autonomy, relatively
to control things like
will give me the free- to hang out with? Do-
who your friends are or greater concealment and
they do things that your
dom that I deserve. what you like to do for low levels of disclosure
parents do want to con-
That they will let me trol, like drinking alco- fun, unless these things are symptomatic of
make my own deci- hol or doing drugs? can be harmful to you. I poorer quality parent–
sions as long as they According to Lawrence know it may seem like child relationships or
aren’t hurting me. But Erlbaum, a psychologist your parents just don’t increased adolescent
when I brought a few who studies child’s mor- want you to have fun, risk.” In other words, the
of my new friends over als and social judg- butmaybe they are see- better relationship you
after school, my par- ments, he believes that ing something in your have with your parents
ents freaked out and “parents’ beliefs about friends that you just and the less secrets you
told me that I wasn’t parents’ rights to regu- don’t see. Many teenag- keep from them, the
allowed to hang out late and monitor their ers would just say that better off you will be
with them anymore. children’s lives differs they aren’t going to lis- from staying out of
How is this giving me depending upon how the ten to their parents, but trouble and getting into
freedom? Do you think issue is defined. For ex- continue to hang out dangerous situations. So,
I should go behind ample, normatively, par- with their friends behind you should sit down
their backs or listen to ents and adolescents their parents back. You with your parents, ask
what they have to say? both agree that parents already made the re- them to tell you the truth
should not regulate is- sponsible choice of ask- as to why they don’t
sues that affect only the ing me first and the next want you to spend time
Sara, I know it can be adolescent” such as who step is to have an adult with your new friends. If
hard when your parents their friends are or what conversation with your they give you a reason,
tell you that they’re go- kind of music they listen parents. According to such as they heard that
ing to let you do what to. But, that they should those group of kids
Earlbaum, “although
you want, but then they “regulate moral and pru- some have argued that drink, or that they skip
all of a sudden, they
dential issues” such as concealing information school all the time, tell
change their minds. But,
 Ask the Expert
By Chelsea Gomez
them how you feel. Let As everyone gets older, their expectations of ro-
TIPS TO GET them know whether it is teenagers start wanting mantic relationships.”
ALONG true or not, and let them to spend more time with This means that the type
know that you are a their friends and even of relationship you have
WITH YOUR
smart person and you tend to depend on them with your parents, may
PARENTS know better than to make for everything. As chil- shape the way you feel
 Compromise:
Life isn’t fair, so mistakes like that. Show dren, you used to spend about your relationships
remember that your parents that you all your time with your later in life. The closer
your parents are want them to trust you parents, when you were you are with your par-
in charge. So if and gain their respect. If upset, you’d call on your ents, the closer you will
you both disagree, they still don’t agree, parents, etc. But now it be able to get to your
try and meet half don’t go behind their seems like you’re grow- friends and your husband
way.
backs. Just ask them ing away from your par- or wife later in life.
 Ask an expert:
Not just me! Ask what you can do to ents and growing closer Furman later states,
an aunt or an un- change their minds and to your friends. But you “individuals with an anx-
cle, a coach, try to prove to them that must remember who ious-ambivalent
school counselor. you are a trustworthy took care of you when (preoccupied) represen-
 Know your argu- and smart young adult. you were little and who tation of attachment to
ment: Don’t just still supports you no parents would feel un-
go into a discus-
matter what. No matter certain about a romantic
sion with your
parents feeling the Jane, 17 years old, what you think, you’re partner’s availability
need to fight and Pittsburgh, PA parents are important! and, thus, find it difficult
show anger, in- As I’m getting older, I Its even been proven that to be comforted by a
stead, back up feel like I should stop the better the relation- partner.” This means that
what you have to being so close and ship you have with your if you don’t feel com-
say with clear spending so much time
parents, the better your fortable around your par-
facts, and your with my parents and
parents won’t be spend more time with relationships will be later ents and aren’t willing to
able to say no. my friends and boy- on in life. According to have a good relationship
 Remain calm: friend. My parents and Child Development with them, that more
Getting into a I have been fighting a Magazine, “because ado- than likely that is how
screaming fight lot, because I tell them lescents have had little you will act with your
with your parents that I rather hang out direct experience in loved ones.
won’t solve any- with my friends and
these relationships, their
thing, but getting boyfriend than I would So, not only do you need
you into trouble. with them. How do I representations of rela-
tionships with parents to spend time with your
get them to understand
may play a particular parents to make them
what I feel is impor-
tant? important role in shaping happy, but it can also

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By Chelsea Gomez
By Chelsea Gomez
benefit you. I understand
that it is hard to balance Cumsile, Patricio, Bouchey, Heather,
family and friends, but Nancy Dar- Wyndol
just make a little more ling, and Lo- Furman,
effort and it will mean Laura
reto Marti-
Shaffer,
the world to them. Sim- nez. and Valerie
ple things like making “Shading the Simon.
sure you are home for Truth: The “Adolescen
dinner every night and Patterning of ts’ Work-
always be willing to tell Adolescents’ ing Models
them about your day or Decisions to and Styles
how you did on your for Rela-
Avoid Issues,
tionships
Math test last week. In Disclose, or with Par-
addition to that, try to Lie to Par- ents,
plan one day a week, ents.” Jour- Friends,
when you and your fam- nal of Ado- and Ro-
ily know that you will lescence mantic
always spend together April 2010: Partners.”
and that way they have Child De-
pages 285-
velopment
something to look for- 96. Print. February
ward to and you know 2002:
not to make any plans
that day. For example,
game night every Thurs-
day, movies every Sun-
day afternoon, whatever
you all enjoy doing to-
gether. Most impor-
tantly, cherish and enjoy
the time you spend with
them, because I know
they will do the same.

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