Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic family system

How narcissistic personality disorder destroyed many parent-adult children

relationships
On this week topic, I'm going to talk about a matter that is very close to our
society the dynamics of narcissistic family system.
The world is full of various parenting styles. There is a continuum of practice
ranging from the very good practices to the very bad ones.
I firmly believe that one of the reasons why parental estrangement is
pervasive in today's modern society can be linked back to the narcissistic
personality disorder that many parents had. Analysis of online forums
comments and topics reveal a widespread pattern of narcissistic behaviour
that shed lights on parental estrangement epidemic. However, there are lacks
of scientific studies that show correlation between the two. (Interestingly, there
is study that shows strong link between parental alienation and maternal /
paternal narcissism) [1].
1.Do you see yourself as a narcissist?
According to Joseph Burgo, a psychologist and the author of "The Narcissist
You Know", the term narcissist is often used to describe someone who is selfcentred: They aren't interested in people. They are usually egoistic, and have
the know-it-all attitude. People with narcissistic personality disorder can have
an inflated sense of self-importance, need of admiration and lack of empathy
towards others. But beneath this grandiose mask is someone with a fragile
self-esteem that is vulnerable towards criticism and defeat [2].
2. Narcissist as a parent
Most of narcissists held upon a distorted view of the world, that including what
and how family should be. Understandably, each family are different with
their own unique set of unwritten rules and acceptable behaviours, but the
distortion is more severe in a a narcissistic family system.
In a typical narcissistic family setting, narcissist parents believe that they are
the most superior inside a household. In a way, they feel special,entitled
and act as if it is in their birthright. There is an unwritten rule that a narcissist
parent should be in control,no matter what. The rules itself usually took
advantages of others in the pursuit of self-interest.

The most prevalent distinction between a narcissistic family setting and a

healthy ones is the way communication being circulated between family
members [3]. The communication style is wrapped around curse, criticism,
threats and hurtful confrontation. Instead of "Sarah, can you please sweep the
floor" One hears " This house is full of lazy dogs - you better sweep this damn
floor or I'll come back with a pipe later to smack your lazy ass. I suppose you
are too tired with your volleyball practice if this room isn't clean within 10
minutes I'll make sure you'd be moved out from that damn practice this year."
There is always a non-related side issue that will be brought up as a threat in
order for them to get what they want.
In a healthy family setting, a child is free to develop a unique, separate
identity of his/her own - they are different individual with different set of
opinions and life views, allowing the child to become autonomous in
preparation for adulthood. However, this is not so in a narcissistic family
system. Narcissist parents see no boundaries between themselves and their
children [4].
Children are regarded as an extension of themselves. Any effort to break this
long held of views is seen as intentionally hurtful and they often respond with
absolute rage. Narcissist parents do not handle well everyday obstacles that
threaten their life's view and self-image and what could be more
challenging than a child who rejected your own beliefs?
In a narcissistic family system, the role of parents and child is reversed the
child of a narcissist realized early in life that they are here to serve and
provide a reflection for their parent [5]. Narcissist parents need their children
to serve their emotional needs, which are to never have their self-image
threatened, to act as if they are perfect, and to surround themselves with
verification they need that they are superior [6]. They need total control
over children, so they can have a built-in relationship in which they have the
superior hand All of which would confirmed their self-image and beliefs.
3. Adult children of narcissistic parents
Unlike the setting of abusive homes, which is obvious -the dynamics of
narcissistic family system was often disguised. They look perfect from the
outside. However, the hidden psychological & emotional abuse are more
damaging to the children.
As children, they do not share their feeling with narcissistic parent it is an
unsafe practice that they learn early in life 6. Whenever they try to express
feelings, opinions or desire, they are further manipulated by narcissist parents
even made punished, if not rejected for expressing who they are [7].

Children of narcissist parents learn to meet their parent's need from a young
age they become sensitive with their parent's need but their need was
never recognised by narcissist parents, as they are totally oblivious
about other people's need but themselves.
Year by year, after being rejected for expressing who they are, a child of
narcissist parent learns to stop being consciously aware of their needs at all.
They believe that they must demand-less in order to gain external approval.
They learn the hard way that expressing their need is equal to be
disappointed or rejected subconsciously they create a wall that help to
protect deep emotional wounds from bleeding again.
They fear of abandonment is something prevalent among children of
narcissistic parents [8]. They struggle with inferiority complex and fear of
rejection. There is the invisible burden to perform up to standards of other
people in other to be accepted.
Family and friends are the main sources of narcissistic supply. Seeing how
their narcissist parents on rage having their meet unmet, children of
narcissist parents invent a creative way to avoid anger outbursts.
The burdens they carried from childhood play a huge role in their adult lives
they often grow up to become an adult who avoid confrontation with others
at their best.
On the bright side, having experience deep emotional wounding from serving
others and not themselves, adult children of narcissistic parents often grows
up to become psychotherapists6. Sensitivity, empathy, and one sided nature
of therapeutic work that they learn while coping in childhood is deemed as
socially useful [6].
4. Family dynamics
The family dynamic of narcissistic family system is determined solely by the
narcissist and their narcissistic demands. There are observable trends as
below:

The right to privacy is not deemed as basic rules in a narcissistic family

system
Children are not allowed to express any feelings, experiences or
thoughts that do not reflect a positive image to narcissist parents [6].
Parental love is a bit complicated. Love is still exist in a narcissistic
family setting however complicated it is [9]. They are loved by their

parents in a controlling, selfish way. The tears that narcissistic parents

shed for their children are real. One can argue that it is still love, if one
fed their child, clothed them and put a roof over their head. However, if
they were ask to answer this question, " Do they respect you, value
your opinions and see you as a different individual than they are? Does
your opinion and feelings are as important as theirs?" In other word, is
the child free to be themselves? Many adult children of narcissistic
parents couldn't answer it affirmatively.

Like an apple with a worm living inside, one can see how this family looks
pretty but decaying inside. Adult children of narcissist parents spend months,
if not years on their road to recovery. The legacy of skewed love in a
narcissistic family system needs to be put to a halt. The world needs to wake
up. Recovery is another thing, preventing it from happening is another thing
need to be taken seriously.

References
1. AMY J. L. BAKER. 2006. Patterns of Parental Alienation Syndrome: A
Qualitative Study of Adults Who were Alienated from a Parent as a
Child. The American Journal of Family Therapy. 67-77
2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Internet Mental
Health. http://www.mentalhealth.com/home/dx/narcissisticpersonality.ht
ml. (Accessed on Oct 17th 2015)

3. Beth McLarnan. Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents: The

Echoes. https://www.academia.edu/924834/Adult_Children_of_Narcissi
stic_Parents_The_Echoes. (Accessed on Oct 17th 2015)
4. Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Resources. Band Back
Together. http://www.bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-ofNarcissistic-parents-resources/. (Accessed on Oct 17th 2015)

5. Seth Meyers Psy.D. Narcissistic Parents Psychological Effect on Their

Children. Psychology
Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is2020/201405/narcissistic-parents-psychological-effect-their-children.
(Accessed on Oct 17th 2015)

6. Beth K. McDonald. Out of the Mirror. A Workbook of Healing for Adult

Children of Covert Narcissists.

7. The Specific Issues that Adult Children of Narcissists Need to Deal

With. Decision-Making Confidence. http://www.decision-makingconfidence.com/adult-children-of-narcissists.html. (Accessed on Oct
17th 2015)
8. MICHELLE PIPER. Adult Children of Narcissists.
NarcissisticMother.com. http://www.narcissisticmother.com/adultchildren-of-narcissists. (Accessed on Oct 17th 2015)

9. Is Love Enough? Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents (ACON).

Sanctuary for the
Abused. http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.my/2006/12/adult-children-ofnarcissistic-parents.html. (Accessed on Oct 18th 2015)