1 6

WATER TEMPERATURE GAUGE

It’s hot, and your car gets thirsty. If it gets too thirsty,
the engine will climb out of the bonnet and catch fire –
this is not good. Before you set off fill the water reser-
voirs (windscreens and coolant bottles) up, and carry
a bottle of water with you for emergency top ups.
Staying still in the heat can make your engine over-
heat – if the needle’s in the red, you need to stop, turn
the engine off and let it cool down for an hour or so.
You can help your car stay chilled by killing the engine
if you’re stationary in traffic for more than a few
minutes at a time.

2
OIL

Your car is not bothered about the politically charged
question of oil, use of natural resources or climate
change. All it’s bothered about is that it needs it, as
without oil all the parts that move will stop doing so in
a big, expensive hurry. Check the levels regularly, and
keep a spare bottle in the boot.
TYRES
7
MAP & DIRECTIONS
Ah, such a simple thing, and something so easily
forgotten. A good AA road atlas is a must, as are
directions to where you’re going. Tempting as it is to
overlook this in your excitement, you’ll regret it on the
19th circuit of the faceless, spooky council estate you
seem to have got lost in.

3 8
“Whether you’re hitting the road for the festivals, the beach, or the Whitby Having tyres with proper tread (the grippy bit) is not CHANGE OF CLOTHES & BIN BAG
only vital for your safety, it’s also a legal requirement. Ah, such a simple thing, and something so easily
Gothic Weekend, here are the essentials for your car (and you), in handy Having them inflated to the correct pressure is also forgotten. A good AA road atlas is a must, as are
important, as your car will run more efficiently if they directions to where you’re going. Tempting as it is to
checklist form…” are, and will also grip the road better. Check the overlook this in your excitement, you’ll regret it on the
pressures at a garage before you set off, and make 19th circuit of the faceless, spooky council estate you
sure there are no worn/smooth patches on the tyres! seem to have got lost in.

4 9
WINDSCREENS TORCH & BLANKET
It’s summer. The insect nation will be flinging itself Just in case you arrive late, lost, or breakdown
picnic at your windscreen with kamikaze devotion – add somewhere and need to wait in the car at night…it’s
a car nd
Pack better (a
some screen wash to your washer bottle to help clear good to have light, and warmth. Of course, if you get
y o u .
A G E S o do a y , it’s .
them off, and keep it topped up; not being able to see yourself some breakdown cover with the AA, they’ll
K el. ew ood
SNAcCar needs fnu ch along thice station f through the layers of insect dead is never a good look. turn up to rescue you and save you all that shivering,

1Your ings to mu eaty serv

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MOUSSE T
RIGHT ABOUT NOW
Like having the car and the keys, but no
license, Mr T’s album is a vexing affair.
Opening 60s groovy guitar pop homage
‘Underground’ is cool, but a lot of the time his
stubborn experimentation just feels strained -
soul numbers like ‘Sex has gone’ or acoustic
country bounce ‘Music makes me fly’ just
run out of ideas after a minute; and don’t
call a track ‘Monotony’ and make it a rubbish
Michael Jackson waxwork, mate... The man
is great, however, at dirty disco and sleaze
pop - ‘Bounce’ in particular is a cheeky little
number - and all tracks with ‘Is it cos I’m cool’
vocalist Emma Landford are ace and slinky,
but my, my, my, we wish he’d stick to it.
Although the album closer’s good, too...gah!
Frustrating as hell.
HOMELIFE
GURU MAN HUBCAP LADY
We’ve listened to this album dozens of times,
discussed it round and round in circles, and
so far we’re sure of only one thing: it’s a
corker. Genre-judgments can be tricky at the
best of times, and this weird collection of
jazz-dance-acid-funk-samba-afro-discoworld-
psychedelia defi es any pigeonhole you try
to fi nd for it. But the CD’s a much easier
listen than that makes it sound. Put together
by a Manchester/global collective on the
godlike Ninja Tune label, there’s a casual
genius underlying its eclecticism that means
the hooks catch and the beats hit home. It’s
interesting, relaxed musical brainfood that
becomes addictive in the most satisfying kind
of way. If you want to know what it’s actually
like, though, you’ll just have to buy it.
DJ ZEPH
SUNSET SCAVENGER
If you can play these tunes without nodding your
head, you’re probably in a neck collar suffering
from whiplash. A brilliant producer and DJ
from San Francisco, Zeph has stretched his
many talents to the limits to bring out this
superb collection of beats, taking in everything
from old school hip hop and Indian tabla to
Shadow-esque electronica and thumping
West Coast funk. The album’s a tasty mix of
expertly-ripped samples, seamless programming,
sickeningly good scratching and nicely
blended live instruments, with some great
guest appearances showcasing the breadth of
Zeph’s collaborative powers.
Sexy flesh on solid bones, this is one for pros and
amateurs alike to enjoy. between seduction
and a nice massage. Then you plunge into
trippy distortion and rippling melodies
‘Dignity’, moments of ambient calm shattered
by downright overdriven indie insolence
‘Jealousy’...you’ve lucked out. It’s the album
Death in Vegas should have made after the
Contino Sessions, but didn’t, and you should
own it immediately.
SHUGAAZER
SHIFT
Here’s fun: ‘I feel down when I’m trapped in,
lackin’ / scrappin’ all night doesn’t do us any,
wrapped in / plastic feels fantastic now / and I
like that way / she said ‘get the hell out is a mat
/ that lies on your doorway.’ Those are some
Shugaazer lyrics. They’ve set them to some
quite ordinary emo guitar stuff. They need to
be quiet. Some people in the etc. lounge quite
like them, but they need to be quiet as well.
There, how’s that for democracy?
ESTELLE
THE 18TH DAY
To etc.’s delight, Estelle takes a different stance to a lot of black,
urban music: it’s not about misery in the ghetto and a life of
cartoon violence and excess (‘I give a f*ck about your bling’
she spits on the Missy-esque ‘Dance Bitch’, it’s just life. ‘1980’s‘
slick groove sets the tone, then we wander through her world
of love, pain and hope, told through disco, tough rap, smooth
RnB and even Gospel tints. She’s Retro, yes, but paradoxically
cutting edge with her beats and samples; there may be a
little too much Smoove polish here sometimes, but basically
no-one’s making hip-hop like this at the moment, and she
deserves your attention.
THE BARBS
LUPINE PEROXIDE
As the title suggests, this is a feral punk dawg riot of an
album, and by god we love it. The fact that joint front
people Tim and Amy are clearly as mad as a fox in
a bun definitely helps, as they yelp and sneer about
aliens, really dead dolls and alien abduction; but it’s
energetic, funny, furious, and basically like a night out
getting smashed on vodka with your bestest mates
when you really shouldn’t. Brilliant!
MEISTER
MEISTER
Psychedelic dark swirly heaven! Beautiful swirling
electro opener ‘Be Love’ buzzes and rubs itself
against you before ruffl ing your hair with lovely
warm guitars, somewhere between seduction
and a nice massage. Then you plunge into trippy
distortion and rippling melodies ‘Dignity’,
moments of ambient calm shattered by downright
overdriven indie insolence ‘Jealousy’...you’ve
lucked out. It’s the album Death in Vegas should
have made after the Contino Sessions, but didn’t,
and you should own it immediately.
GROOVE ARMADA
GROOVE ARMADA
Blimey, they’ve had a varied time of it, and it’s all
here on one shiny disc. Sure, they’re not dragging
a whetstone along the vicious edge of dance
music, but etc. couldn’t care less when you can
whack the devil-mashed ‘Purple Haze’ on at full
volume, wig out to ‘Superstylin’s raggaman vibrations,
shake that ass grandma funk style or twist and shout
to ‘If everybody looked the same.’ A couple of tracks
are dubious inclusions and ‘But I Feel Good’ rambles
on farrrrrr to much, but this lot made the delicious ‘At
The River,’ smoochy horns and all, so we can forgive
them anything. Groovy, baby. (right, we need to get
out more.)
 ALCAZAR THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN
Etc. doesn’t normally advocate smashing and
looting, but just this once: smash shops selling this,
loot them of every single one, get together with
us and we’ll burn the whole monstrous heap of
eurodisco tat. Grrr
USHER CONFESSIONS (PART II)
Oh no! Usher’s only gone and knocked up his chick
on the side. But at least it’s taught him how much
he loves his girlfriend, so that’s OK. Not actually a
bad track, just wish he let his tunes get as loose as
his morals sometimes.
THE NEEDLES DIANNE
Boys with guitars crank out their sexual frustrations.
Strange, when McFly do this people want to burn
them at the stake, but call yourself The Needles
and you’re laughing... Ah, whatever, this is shouty,
THIRTEEN SENSES
ALBUM OF THE AUTUMN
The Invitation You’ve no idea how long we
waited to hear this record, and The Invitation
didn’t disappoint, firmly securing its place in
our internal soundtrack for the foreseeable
future and Thirteen Senses’ position as our
new favourite band. Why? How long have
you got... Haunting ‘Into the Fire’ starts things
gently, winding pianos up into a euphoric
widescreen chorus, before ‘Thru the Glass’
kicks in with muscular guitars against Will
South’s frail vocals and it’s an involuntary
‘eyes closed and drift’ moment, putting
your self into situations when you know
that if these songs, like ‘Yellow’ before
them, are playing, the moment will be
complete, head up and chanting ‘you got
us in to this, so get us out of this,’ as
loud as you possibly can. With the
cascading lament of ‘Gone’ or ‘The Salt
Wound Routine’s’ textured strings and
military march drums, the musical
maturity of the band delivering this
debut album is blindingly clear, and
that’s before you’ve even reached ‘His
tory’, a startling build and crumble with
whispered promise ‘I will show you
something different’ ascending
through ‘people get down on your
knees for the crowd’ and tailing away
in a wash of echo. They’ll draw pointless
(unless it’s to compare how the songs of
those bands make you feel) comparisons
to Coldplay and Keane, but that
wouldn’t do justice to their unique
EAMON LOVE THEM
Man, etc. has to hand it to Eamon. Where this
should be vile, immature and pitiful, it’s catchy,
imaginative and even gets us singing ‘I love dem
ho’s’ against the fake-sweet waltz soul beat.
Number one again, simple as that.
DIVE DIVE GOOD SHOW (EP)
‘Children’ sampling processed beats from the
people who brought you ‘Love me right’. No point
even dissing it, it’s just here to stop the clubs
falling silent and give DJs something else to
pronounce, even if the song remains the same,
which it desperately, relentlessly does.
ANGEL CITY DO YOU KNOW (I GO CRAZY)
‘Children’ sampling processed beats from the
people who brought you ‘Love me right’. No
point even dissing it, it’s just here to stop the
clubs falling silent and give DJs something else
to pronounce, even if the song remains the same,
which it desperately, relentlessly does.
sound and sheer uplifting grandeur.
Look, we could go on and on tell
you you’re going to be falling in love and
breaking up to this album in equal measure
soon, but the bottom line is that when huge-as-
the-night-sky anthem ‘Automatic’ has drawn
the veil across you’re very, very sorry it’s over
- and that, surely, is what it’s all about.
.................................................................
KASABIAN
ONE TO WATCH
It’s just possible that ten years from now we’ll
be remembering this blistering debut with
the same cooing nostalgia lavished upon
‘Definitely Maybe’ of late. It’s partly the sheer
bravado and sneering attitude that streams
from every beat, loop, pounding guitar and
warped vocal, but - just like their illustrious
predecessors - it’s also the fact that it’s an
album of absolutely cracking songs.
‘Reason is Treason’ rushes and
growls like an attack cry, they lope effortlessly
into dub psychosis with ‘Test Transmission’,
evoke all the right Stone Roses and Primal
Scream moments along the way, stomp on
your brains with ‘Club Foot’ and the rolling,
almost tribal trip hop beats of ace ace ACE
single ‘Processed Beats’, before collapsing
furiously into chaos on climactic closer ‘U
Boat’, which blips into silence after a frenzied
techno reprise of ‘Reason is Treason’. It’s
just possible that rock has found some new
prophets, so keep your fingers crossed...
 Do your
teachers and
mates only
talk about
university and
how great it
is? A degree is
a necessity for
some careers,
like medicine, but for so many other areas
it’s no guarantee of a job. So, what if it
doesn’t appeal to you and you don’t
want the debt? The Guru has
some ideas for you...
GETTING A JOB
The guru knows that money is less important
than personal fulfilment, but he also realises
that money talks! So, listen to this: if you enter
work at 18+, you are very likely to be £50k
better off than the majority of your peers when
they graduate. That allows for their debt and
your earnings.
Some professions (e.g. IT and Finance)
really value industry experience more than
out-of-date academic theory and will offer
fantastic opportunities. It makes sense for them
to grab you at 18, show you concepts and real
practice, mentor and train you, give you active
work experience and pay you a healthy wage.
The best students will be retained by employers
and continue to thrive.
The AAT (The Association of
Accounting Technicians) gives A level students
of any discipline a path that should outdo any
graduate advantages and offer employment
with sought-after employers. Without even
considering other benefits, £14k as a starting
salary will contrast very keenly with a £6k first
year uni deficit. Chartered Accountancy status
can also be achieved before those taking the
uni route, as exemptions can be gained along
the way!
ADVANCED CITY & GUILD
APPRENTERSHIPS
These are a great way to learn
guaranteed wage and the work
Work and study features again! City & Guilds offers
learners over 500 qualifications in 28 industry areas so you
is demanding. There are no set can learn skills that equip you to fulfil career ambitions or
......................................................
and earn – you receive quality
entry requirements but some enrich your leisure time. There are more than 8,500 centres
teaching and pay from day one. (colleges, training providers and businesses) worldwide
There are over 200 different
Sector Skills Councils (who
look after the schemes) ask for offering these qualifications and they could be large global
apprenticeships in more than organisations like Tesco, or colleges or small businesses.
certain qualifications.
80 industries and flexibility City & Guilds is the UK’s leading provider of vocational
and employer support are two www.apprenticeships.org.uk
qualifications, ensures quality standards are maintained
key bonuses. At 18, Advanced Ask your careers adviser through assessment of both the centre and students, and
Apprenticeships are usually for a copy of The issues certificates to successful candidates. You could work
the most appropriate level Apprenticeship Guide to this qualification while also in employment.
and aim at NVQ Level 3. You www.city-and-guilds.co.uk
receive the on-the-job training
from your employer and
receive off-the-job training
usually at a college. £80 a
week tends to be the initial
FOUNDATION DEGREES
Foundation Degrees are given validation by HEIs (Higher
Education Institutions) but can be delivered in FE (Further
Education) Colleges or private training organisations. They’re
designed with employers and fit perfectly into the world of
work. From agriculture to manufacturing, from forensic science
THE GURU’S to the performing arts, they’re not just vocational qualifications:
Foundation Degrees mix academic study with practical
Helen Pillinger, working as an Analyst in Business
FINAL THOUGHT
Importantly, while doing
experience, so you’re prepared for the working world.
Foundation Degrees are flexible, too – you can choose to
Recovery Services for PricewaterhouseCoopers, all this, network frantically study full-time, part-time, at work, or online and there are
sums it up: ‘The AAT qualification meant I could get and develop your professional over 1,600 of the blighters. Often a company will pay the
experience and an income… deciding on that route brand. You’re already of tuition fees and you gain a flavour of work and university.
instead of going to university was one of the best interest to employers because www.foundationdegree.org.uk | www.fdf.ac.uk |
decisions I have made.’ you’re thinking differently www.hotcourses.com
Siemens and Tesco are just two of an from your peers. Everyone
increasing band of employers offering students seems to head to university
with around 240 points attractive post-A level
routes. Siemens currently offer eight students a
trudging along the path of
inevitability – not doing so could POTENTIAL ENTREPENUERS
Do you watch Dragons’ Den and want to make a
make you stand out from the crowd.
year a place at their Commercial Academy where pitch? Have you sat at home over the last few years
a BA in Business Management is the projected There is so much on offer, dreaming of developing a product or service?
final outcome, while along the four-year path, so take a breather and listen to your Banks will be keen to house your winnings and
you have had your tuition fees paid, a healthy heart if you are concerned about offer advice on how to develop a business plan.
rising salary, full mentoring and vital experience. university – because if there is doubt, Don’t forget bodies like Shell Livewire who will
Tesco offers ‘A level Options’, a 12-month fast- you may not be ready. also offer encouragement and practical help for
track management programme with salary, developing your vision and confidence; you’re
Remember, you’re never too
excellent mentoring and career planning at the never too young to have a great idea.
old to choose a university degree so if you
end of the course. www.shell-livewire.org
don’t go at 18, going at 19, 29, 49 or 69 would
Candidates for this route must show be fine too! Or if you want a work/study mix,
drive and initiative and cover a broad range of take a sandwich course or Erasmus exchange
A level grades but have every chance to be way programme. There’s more to choose from than there
ahead of their peers, without the financial debts. was at school: make the most of it!
www.siemens.co.uk/free-degrees
www.tesco-careers.com/home/students/alevel-options
www.aat.org.uk THE GURU
Woody the Guru is (among other things) a careers
www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk
adviser at Bablake School, Coventry. Respect is due.
 Some people like exams. Those people
will probably go on to become profes-
sional circus freaks; for the rest of
us, exams can be rather trying. But
etc. has some suggestions
ASSOCIATES
Exams seem to clear A level students from
the street, as they quietly beaver away in
their rooms. But they don’t have to make you a
hermit if you think it will help, arrange to meet
up with mates from your course or even ask
your course tutor for advice.
BRAIN FOOD
The brain is a muscle, and it withers without
food. Brains tend to be particularly fond of
magnesium (which is found in green veg, nuts
and seeds) and Omega-3 (found in oily fish),
so try to get some into your diet. We searched,
but apparently there’s not a trace of either in
pizzas and chips. Cheers, life!
CONCENTRATION
If like us you tend to get easily distracted by
shiny things, attempting to memorise 250 years
of French history can be tough. Try building up to
long periods of concentration work solidly for 10
minutes then take a five-minute break, gradually
building up to working for 40 minutes at a time.
DEEP BREATH
It’s tempting to panic and rush into revision.
Pause for thought first and plan what you’re going
to do that session, so you have something solid to
aim for. Then take a deep breath, clear your head
of distracting thoughts and get into revision mode.
EXAM DAY
This is what all your hard work is for. Prepare well
so you can feel confident, and don’t get too caught
up in all the post-exam chatter. Once you’re out, you
can’t change anything, don’t let people sucker you
into ‘what did you put for question four?’ conversations,
they’ll only make you worry.
FUTURE
Exams are important, there’s no escaping
that. But there’s also no point working yourself
up into a bitter frenzy about them, if you mess
one up, it’s probably not going to ruin your entire
life plan (unless, of course, it’s your ‘entire life
plan’ A level), and there are sometimes re-take
options as well
GINKGO BILOBA
The extract from this oddly-named plant
has been shown to improve concentration and
memory. It’s not going to suddenly turn your
brain into a sponge, but it might help. You can
find it in most health food shops. machine, and
on the day you need to be functioning at 100%
efficiency. If you don’t get enough sleep, you
won’t function properly. End of story.
HEALTHY BODY, HEALTHY MIND
If you’re stressed, unhealthy and not looking
after yourself physically, your mind will deteriorate
too. Make sure you eat healthily, get some
exercise and don’t work yourself into a coiled,
growling knot of stress.
INTERNET
There are lots of sites dedicated to helping
people revise. We particularly like www.bbc.
co.uk/schools/websites/16/.
JUNK FOOD
Not only is this not good for you physically, but
it doesn’t help with revision. Eat foods that
release energy slowly, your sugar rush might
feel great at midday but you’ll be lolling in a
corner by three.
KIT YOURSELF OUT
There’s nothing worse than getting yourself
in revision mode, only to be distracted by a
lost pen. Make sure you have everything you
need before you begin to revise.
LIGHTING
Yes, it really can make a difference. Good
lighting helps you to read, write and concen-
trate better. Find somewhere to study that
lets in lots of natural daylight. (And no panic
revision by torchlight under the duvet).
MISTAKES
Everyone makes them. There will probably
be times when it feels like the last 18 years etc.) making posters and using index
of learning have decided to leave you for two cards, for example. Find what
weeks of R&R in the Bahamas, we know it’s works for you and go with it.
frustrating but if you revise properly it will all
come together on the day.
UNDER-
STAND
NERVES Let’s go
Nerves are natural, keeping them in check is back to the
the important thing. Some deep breathing, a beginning,
few ‘I can do this’ affirmations and peppermint here: if you
tea normally sorts etc. out. don’t understand
anything you’ve
ONE AT A TIME covered on your
Trying to revise too many subjects at once can course, ask your
be confusing. Make sure you allow enough time to teacher for help
go through each subject and let it sink in. before you start
revision. Better to feel
PLAY foolish for a moment than
It’s easy to forget that you have a life while be foolish for a lifetime
you’re revising. Make sure you still go out and
have some fun. It’ll do you wonders when you VEXED!
settle down for your next revision session. Don’t be. If you feel like it’s
all getting too much, go for a
QUICK BURSTS walk, clear your head and come
It’s possible to revise on-the-go. Put together back to the revision when you’re calmer.
some small index cards of simple revision notes
and carry them around with you. You can sneak WORST SUBJECTS
them out during breaks and bus journeys. Hey, It’s tempting to leave your least
we never said revision was cool. favourite subjects to last. But don’t,
it can be demoralising and make revision
RESEARCH seem even harder. Mix up your revision
schedule so that you don’t get too bored.
Head to your examination board’s website as it
might give you an idea of the types of questions
that were asked in previous years and a list of XEROX
things that will be expected of you. (Don’t try to Learn to love thy photocopier. You’ll need it
guess what specific questions will come up, though. to copy revision notes.
It’s a risky business and you might not cover
something vital in your revision.)
YELLOW
The colour yellow is associated with happiness
SLEEP and peace. Try revising near lots of yellow, you
Whatever else you do, make sure you get a good never know, it might banish the stress imps.
night’s sleep before every exam. You’re basically
a machine, and on the day you need to be functioning
ZEN
at 100% efficiency. If you don’t get enough sleep, Zen is a school of Mahayana Buddhism its followers
you won’t function properly. End of story.
are taught that there is something to be learnt in even
the most menial tasks. And, yes, that applies to Double
TECHNIQUES Chemistry too.
There are plenty of revision techniques around
recording notes onto CD, using mnemonics (easy-
to-remember, repetitive poems and lists
ETC. IS AT SEA (hurrah!) having a look
around HM Navy’s type 42 Destroyer
Liverpool when she’s attacked. It happens
fast - ‘inbound aircraft, one minute,’ barks
the intercom. Everyone checks radar
screens and windows; gun crews swing
muzzles around; the turret of the ship’s
massive anti-aircraft gun swivels while the
ship suddenly lurches in evasive action.
Etc. has no idea what the hell is going on;
officers pull up their anti-flash fireproof
masks, while we stand in a corner feeling
horribly civilian. When it comes, the strike
is venomously quick. A jet appears from
nowhere and flashes over the ship - Bang!
Bang! Bang! Liverpool is hit. Damage
reports come flooding in over the intercom -
we’re taking in water. There are fires in the
forward section. We’ve lost power to the
starboard engine. Etc. isn’t the hardiest
of sea dogs, but we know this much - this
is not good. We’re hustled off the bridge
into the body of the ship, past fire crews
in huge fireproof suits; the smell of
smoke hangs heavy as they pull on
their visors, sweating, their section leader
shouting ‘come on guys, we can do this!’
On past HQ1 - damage control. Reports
are coming in to this room, where they’re
being marked up on a diagram of the ship.
Hatched sections show the fire is spreading.
Two metres
of water in
‘We desperately require two more members
to help with the flood, water is two metres
and rising,’ shouts the intercom.
Two metres of water in the ship?
Etc. revises ‘not good’ to ‘holy sh*t.’
the ship?
‘Command huddle!’ orders the officer in
charge, and everyone gathers round to
assign priorities to the various problems
throughout the ship. Above their heads a
Etc. revises
sign reads ‘Adapt, Improvise, Overcome.’
Etc. listens to another report explaining
that we’re now having to use hand pumps
to move the rudder, and hopes they can do
‘not good’ to
just that. They decide the priority is the
unexploded bomb on the port side.
Unexploded what? By now etc. is
limbering up to freak out properly. We’re
ushered on, past hurrying crew who seem
‘holy sh*t.’
much calmer than us, taking in the Ops
(Operations) room as we go...You know
that room in the movies, the dark one with
the sweeping radar screens, banks
of equipment and people - including the
Captain - crammed in? That’s the Ops room,
kids. It’s full of brutally hi-tech stuff and
red lights. We hurry through trying not to
push any buttons...The wardroom where
the senior officers hang out has become
the first aid centre. Medical staff are busy
around two casualties; the air is still...
 ..blurred with smoke. And we’re about to be boarded. Etc. decides enough is And why are we doing this?
enough. ‘Where’s the sidearms cabinet?’ we bark, stripping to the waist, ‘etc. ain’t ‘We’re trying to improve our
going down without a fight.’ Game over! Oh, alright, some of the above isn’t true. operational capabilities. It’s a very
Well, mainly the bit about the sidearms and the stripping. But there was demanding package and we’re
an attack - it’s all part of the Navy’s Flag Officer Sea Training (FaOST). Basically, sprinting hard to the finish;
a FOST team will board the ship and run a simulated attack; they even have there’s a lot of lessons to be
a script detailing what ‘damage’ the ship will receive (no, they don’t really fire learned from today, but we’ll get
missiles at it, although the plane was real, and very cool). They shout ‘Bang! Bang! there.’ So Liverpool’s ready to
Bang!’ when ‘missiles’ hit, let off smoke bombs (which smell exactly like those fight another day. Etc., on the
yellow oilseed rape fields, weirdly), tell people when they’re injured and generally other hand, is simply ready for
wreak havoc...and the crew has to respond. It’s not easy. Just watching it wears bed. We board the launch back
etc. out (it’s also a surreal feeling to be drinking tea while a war goes on around you), to shore and decide to leave it to
but the crew seem to handle it fine. the professionals; although we
‘I’m a bit nervous, but confident,’ Lt. Cmdr. Gary McCormack told us before the do dream about battles and the
exercise began. He’s in charge of the Forward Fire and Repair Party Post, and is deep blue sea all night...Restless
the one shouting ‘we can do this’ later. ‘We’ve got a good team,’ he goes on, ‘and lot, the Navy. Not content with
good training, I’m confident the team can handle it.’ one job, these good folk have a
Hmm - etc. couldn’t even handle finding our way around the bloody ship on our different role when the ship’s
own. We’ve never really thought about the interior before, just about ‘missiles’ and at action stations. Well, variety,
‘shooting planes with them’, but in a combat situation the ship splits into sections spice of life, and all that.
(not literally, our armed forces aren’t taking Transformers into battle
just yet): the Captain fights the external war from the Ops room;
damage control in HQ1 fights the internal war to keep the ship
afloat and ready to do what the Captain needs; and the crew
make it happen. Liverpool’s mission is to protect the convoy
it sails with: today’s exercise is all about making sure she’s
ready to do that for real. O Captain! My Captain! So how
Today I’m going to be...
did they do once the smoke cleared? Only one chap to ask, Leading Chef Dave Judson and makes sure they get their mail; that’s it
really - Commander Northwood, the Captain. Normally? Feeding the crew. in a nutshell.’
Today? Feeding the crew in a hurry. Then Today? ‘I’m a first aider. Today we had a
‘This is the third time we’ve attempted this exercise,’
helping out with a fire in the hangar, then shrapnel wound, a fractured leg and a chest
he tells us, ‘it really stretches the ship’s company. It’s
the flood, then running around getting hot! injury; guys that have maybe cut their
a difficult one to get right, but we’ve done reasonably well
You just get in there and do it. finger or broken their arm you get back
given the stage of training we’re at at the moment.’
Why the Navy? It’s a good life at sea, and to work as quickly as possible, so they can
being a chef means you work in a team; be fighting fires and floods; more serious
there’s a lot of variety, which is a good thing. things like head injuries you leave til last
because they’ll take more time.’
Chef Stokes-Lilley How do you feel? ‘It’s been really good fun
Today? ‘I had to hold the propeller of the today, I enjoyed it!’
unexploded torpedo. I was holding the pin
so it didn’t explode. Some people find it Writer Andrea Hill
intense and stressy, but I find it fun - at the Today? Ops room narrative. ‘Basically I have
end of the day, if it had been real, I would a laptop and I have to record everything as it
have helped stop three fires, three floods, happens, including intercom and command
and a bomb exploding.’ One way of looking decisions, so I get a complete picture...none
at it... of it can be deleted.’
No pressure then? ‘No!’
Writer Rebecca Scott Something about the Navy we didn’t know?
Normally? ‘A writer deals with everyone’s ‘We play hockey on the flight deck of the
payroll, foreign currency, travel arrangements ship!’ Cool.

Sea, something you like..

For more nautical knowledge, go here:
www.royalnavy.mod.co.uk.
Or shout them on 08456 075555, they quite like it.
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