Funny True Stories

Fruit stall owner, Giuseppe Scirrocco, stopped paying taxes two years ago becaus
e he couldn't afford them. Officials in Milan, Italy recently landed him with a
12-billion lira (app. US$7 million) tax bill.
Anton Wladich's snoring has become so loud since breaking his nose, that most of
his street's residents in Warsaw, Poland, have moved house to escape the noise.
Furious girls in Lodz, Poland, are demanding a refund after paying US$800 to joi
n a dating agency which had 300 women - but just seven men.
An underwear factory in Volgrad, Russia, is preventing redundancies (layoffs) by
paying its staff with 36 pairs of free knickers a month.
Trucker Boris Kalusch drowned after trying to drink from the beer tanker he was
driving. Police in Siberia found his legs sticking from the inspection cover.
Six people taken to hospital from a reception in Moscow were injured by flying c
hampagne corks.
Scared Charles Hurden locked himself in his shed for three days after he thought
asteroids landed in his garden in Sydney, Australia. They were luminous balloon
s from a party 16 km away.
A man dubbed by police in Athens, Greece as The Cigarette Saboteur has taken to
attacking people he sees smoking and forcing them to eat their remaining cigaret
tes. The oddball has claimed seven victims in six months.
A pervert who exposed himself on the Paris Metro [subway] in France fled in horr
or when his victim - a transvestite - flashed back.
Marauding moose have torn up seven light aircraft in less than a week at Anchora
ge Airport in Alaska.
A golf match in Los Angeles, US, was abandoned when a cow wandered onto the fair
way, deposited a cowpat on the 17th green and then chased the players.
A zookeeper was pinned to the ground and had his trousers torn off - by a lovesi
ck lady orangutan! Ken Alrand had cared for Anna ever since her natural mother r
ejected her in infancy. But he never realized that she had developed a crush on
him. As Alrand was cleaning Anna's enclosure in Aalborg, Denmark, she pounced on
him and ripped his pants off. "She's obviously fallen in love with me," says Al
rand. "So I'll keep my distance from now on."
In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Fall
s Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The tax
i drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him,
rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to
examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving
in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. Whe
n a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person wa
s hit - Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured
skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital official
s said he would recover.
While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to
a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling,
a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate, joined hi
m. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in shor

t order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, th
e horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falat
ti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner
jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse,
which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the
cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car a
nd joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing
men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last r
eport the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog
near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace ne
ar the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of
the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe h
ead injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by givi
ng her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it lo
ok as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted.
Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were t
wo corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the roo
m, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the
backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Ha
ppily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled
.
An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express, was climb
ing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins
in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she
heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come
in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knoc
k, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the b
ack door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming t
oward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.
"Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gasman blinked, exc
used himself and departed.
Larry Walters was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he gra
duated from high school,he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the servi
ce, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that cri
ss-crossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dr
eamed about the magic of flying. Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea. He wen
t down to the local army-navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and fort
y-five weather balloons. These were not your brightly colored party balloons; th
ese were heave-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully infl
ated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn cha
ir, the kind you might have in your own back yard. He anchored the chair to the
bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed some sa
ndwiches and drinks and loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those ba
lloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry Wal
ters sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float b
ack down to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way.
When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from
a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until h
e finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly r
isk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experie
nce flying! So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at
a loss as to how to get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corri
dor for Los Angeles International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower abou

t passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet with a gun in his lap. (
Now there's a conversation I'd have enjoyed hearing!) LAX is right on the ocean,
and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So,
as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatch
ed a helicopter to rescue him. But the rescue team had a hard time getting to hi
m, because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his homemade contraption
farther and farther away. Eventually they were able to hover over him and drop a
rescue line with which they gradually hauled him back to earth. As soon as Larr
y hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was being led away in handcuffs, a
television reported called out, "Mr. Walters, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, e
yed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage
across one side of the two-wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the
subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two-wire circuit for the conver
sation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without d
isturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say th
at her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occ
asions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman pro
ceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby teleph
one pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone d
idn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telepho
ne. Climbing down form the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and co
llar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the gr
ound.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was unde
r investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands
of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The FB
I was taping all conversations at the hospital, and this conversation took place
when the agent in charge called a nearby pizza delivery service to order.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We ha
ve them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance t
o deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring th
e pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors
locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging fi
rearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men we

re firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired t
heir aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal esca
ped into a 3-foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels de
ck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline
and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several
unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5-gallon
fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to adm
it defeat by wildlife, the determined man proceeded to slide feet-first approxim
ately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent
fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much highe
r rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a subm
arine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched dire
ctly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his
front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Dop
pler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a
loud thud. Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty c
ool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus
. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
A man was in a work-related accident, and had to fill out an insurance claim. Th
e insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his r
esponse:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block n
umber 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my
accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust
the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on t
he day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot
tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course o
f several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare har
dware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I dec
ided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fort
unately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at g
round level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material in
to the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it ti
ghtly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in bloc
k number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to
my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mi
nd and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather ra
pid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level
, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken
collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping unti
l the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunate
ly, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto t
he rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel
of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid the weigh
t of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you agai
n to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent
down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the bar
rel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations o
f my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to less
en my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three v
ertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the
tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me,
I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope...
In my college dorm we play 'Assassin,' like lots of students. Unlike most people
, though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if you hit y
our target there's never an argument about whether you really hit them because,
well, they're covered with Silly String(tm). But for those two weeks you carry y
our Silly String(tm) everywhere, even into classrooms where you're automatically

safe. So, there I was in this Psychology class with my friend, and we were kind
of holding our Silly String at the ready while the professor lectured.
The class was Psychology of Group Behavior, and the professor was talking out ou
r next assignment, which concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspoken
rules of a group, i.e. you don't grab someone else's dining-hall tray and start
eating off it). She was telling us the project, which is to violate a group norm
blatantly and intentionally, and then write a little two-page paper about it.
And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle and gets up on the stage with
the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless to say ev
eryone figured out what was going on, and the applause brought down the house.
He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.
/----------------------------------------------------------------\
M A R T I A L A R T S
-

Learn Ancient Asian Techniques

Develop Impressive Skills
Learn the Art of Control
Build Self-Confidence
Protect Yourself
Train with exotic Implements
Achieve your Maximum Potential

New Class meets Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM

\----------------------------------------------------------------/
A martial arts teacher sent this design to the printer, got two hundred copies,
and put them up around hi college campus. Tuesday night comes, and he arrives at
the gym at a quarter of seven. To his amazement, there are already around two h
undred students there! Now, based on his beautiful poster, he had expected a dec
ent-sized group, but this was extraordinary! He glanced at his poster, and disco
vered why. The printer had evidently reversed two letters when typesetting the p
oster: the "T" and the "I" in the title had been transposed...
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill
for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and
threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The fol
lowing month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they wer
e going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He ca
lled them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd
take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he
tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on h
is account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the fi
rst store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found
that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologi
zed for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assum
ing that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the late
st bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would b
e as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill f
or $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would hav
e to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play
the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer du
ly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed
the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him
asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explana
tion the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing sof
tware to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their custo
mers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The
following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming

that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a
check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man
, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought h
er a typewriter instead.
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls
Science Fair, April 26. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demand
ing strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." A
nd for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide.
Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical wa
s... WATER! The title of his prize-winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" H
e was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practic
ing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of buying a rubber
boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A
. where he worked. (Don't ask. I never did). What he brought me was one of those
Air Force survival rafts that they issue to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I c
ouldn't wait to test it, so I called Jason, and told him to come on over. I took
the back seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down. This makes a VW bu
g kind of like a hatch back without the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just
as our girlfriends showed up. They had come over to see if we wanted to go swimm
ing. I crammed the raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tig
ht), and Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off. I got onto IH35 in
Oklahoma City to head for one of the area lakes. The windows were down and the h
ot August wind was roaring through the car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend
started complaining about the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tang
led in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and gave i
t a good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window. Can you guess what tha
t little red tag was for? Yep, that dang raft started to inflate right there in
the VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things to inflate, and for th
e first 5 seconds or so I was frozen with something of a mixture fear, amazement
, and a sense of this really can't be happening!'' In the 6th second the raft sta
rted pushing my head down against the steering wheel hard enough that I couldn't
really see where I was going, and started pushing the windows that weren't down
out of their frames, and onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the raf
t was fully inflated. I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was goi
ng, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on the road. By this time the real
chaos had started. The girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason waslaugh
ing like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me
when all this started had turned on his siren. I finally got the car to the cen
ter median, and stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the door and pull
ed. The door shot open, and the raft exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of
it. When I got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop laughing so ha
rd he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time breathing. I man
aged to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft started to deflate. By
this time the cop was breathing again and somewhat coherent. He came over and to
ld me that was the funniest thing he had ever seen. I asked if I was going to ge
t a ticket? He said no, he just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We folded t
he raft as best we could and went back to my place. The real fun was trying to c
onvince my insurance company that all that glass damage really was because a lif
e raft had inflated inside the car. They did payoff, but only after the insuranc

e adjuster had talked to the OHP cop.

A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. She was very
nervous and distressed about her safety and the danger she felt lurked around ev
ery corner. After checking in at the front desk she headed to the elevator. Upon
arriving at the elevator there were already 3 black men on it. She quickly deba
ted with herself about the situation. "This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fea
r from these men, here in the middle of a reputable hotel. Ok, no problem, I'm g
oing to ride this elevator, etc...." She then stepped into the elevator and quic
kly turned her back on the 3 men and faced the door. Shortly after the door clos
ed, she heard one of the men say, "Hit the floor, lady." She immediately dropped
to her stomach in terror. Upon her quick dive for the floor the 3 men broke out
hysterically in laughter. The man after all, had simply meant for her to select
the floor she wished to go to. She was terribly shaken and embarrassed about th
e whole thing, but tried to shake it off as she had several days of business to
attend to. At the end of her stay she went to check out of the hotel and pay for
her room. To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had been taken
care of. He then handed her a note and explained that the person who had picked
up the tab for the room had left it. And the note said: Thanks for the best laug
h I've ever had in an elevator! Eddie Murphy
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while t
here, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her
eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out
a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with
her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and
said "Are you okay?" The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am
holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store w
here store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car becau
se the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread do
ugh on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had e
xploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that
of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was
, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright a
t first, then when she regained consciousness, attempted to hold her brains in!
The story goes that one day during an examination at Cambridge University, a bri
ght young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. Th
e following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cake
s and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of
Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the se
ction, which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examina
tions may request and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were judged t
he modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and hap
pily slurping away. Three weeks later though, the student was fined five pounds
for not wearing a sword to the examination.
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with C
anadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conver
sation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collisio
n.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a c
ollision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR cours

e.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE UNITED STATES NAVY'S ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COUR
SE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Har
vard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking u
p and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the f
ield, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer
, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto
the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour
to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this,
and graduated.
The US Department of the Interior has recently changed the tags it uses to tag m
igratory birds. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological
Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the follow
ing letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a cr
ow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it
was horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to
a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraf
t was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were
then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to
the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After s
ome further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the fl
ight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenien
ce of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If
your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time
." A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carryin
g his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
Police in Yorkshire were busily watching for speeding cars with there mobile rad
ar equipment when their equipment appeared to malfunction; it began to clock a s
peeder at 300 mph....All was revealed a few seconds later when a low flying Harr
ier jump jet screamed over head. The police registered a complaint regarding dam
aged radar equipment with the MOD (UK Ministry of Defense). The MOD replied that
the damage could have been worse: the Harrier's defense systems had latched ont
o the radar and had gone into an automatic pre-emptive strike mode before the pi
lot decided enemy anti-aircraft activity was unlikely along the motorways of nor
thern England...
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics an
d Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gr
avity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and developmen
t, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. Th
e pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on
earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Reaching my son at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology on his fraternity-h
ouse phone was next to impossible. Instead I began to e-mail him. This way, when
I reminded him to dress warmly, eat well and study hard, I could feel confident
that he'd received my message. After my second lengthy e-mail communiqu, he call

ed home and assured me that everything was fine. "By the way, Mom," he said, chu
ckling, "I think you've invented cybernagging."
A few years ago, a city in the Netherlands had a refuse problem. A once-clean se
ction of town had become an eyesore because people had stopped using the trashca
ns. There were cigarette butts, beer bottles, chocolate wrappers, newspapers, an
d other trash littering the streets. Obviously, the sanitation department was co
ncerned, so they sought ways to clean up the city. One idea was to double the li
ttering fine from 25 guilders to 50 guilders for each offense. They tried this,
but it had little effect. Another approach was to increase the number of litteragents who patrolled the area. This was more of the same, that is, another "puni
sh the litterer" solution, and it, too, had little impact on the problem. Then s
omebody asked the following question: "What if our trash cans paid people money
when they put their trash in? We could put an electronic sensing device on each
can as well as a coin-return mechanism. Whenever a person put trash in the can,
it would pay him 10 guilders." The idea, to say the least, whacked everyone's th
inking. The problem had been changed from a "punish the litterer" one to one of
"reward the law abider". The idea had one glaring fault, however; if the city im
plemented the idea, it would go bankrupt. Half of Europe would come to use the t
rashcans! Fortunately, the people who were listening to this idea didn't evaluat
e it based on its practical merits. Instead, they used it as a stepping-stone an
d asked themselves: "What other ways are there in which we can reward people for
putting their refuse in the trash cans?" This question lead to the following so
lution. The sanitation department developed electronic trashcans that had a sens
ing unit on the top that would detect when a piece of refuse had been deposited.
This would activate a tape-recorder that would play a recording of a joke. In o
ther words, joke-telling trash cans! Different trashcans told different kinds of
jokes (some told bad puns while others told shaggy dog stories and still others
told snappy one-liners) and soon developed reputations. The jokes were changed
every two weeks. As a result, people went out of their way to put their trash in
the trashcans, and the town became clean once again.
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the stren
gth of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicke
n at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory
is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive
a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very inter
ested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive
they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and
fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's cha
ir and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine's cab. The British were st
unned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correc
tly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thaw
ed chicken.
LEAD STORIES
In November, in Denver, Colo., school board candidate Lee McClendon lost his rac
e despite a vigorous campaign promising to improve kids' performances in reading
, writing, and basic math; observers said the loss might have had something to d
o with public awareness of his 1984 guilty plea for attempted sexual assault of
an 8-year-old boy, which the victim had publicized after McClendon announced his
candidacy. However, the same day, voters in Chauncey, Ohio, elected Edward W. S
toll, 48, to the Village Council despite the fact that he goes to trial in Febru
ary on a rape charge.
Where's Barry Scheck When You Need Him? Malvin Marshall, 27, was finally release
d from jail in North Charleston, S.C., on October 29 after being locked up for 6
weeks because a police field test had found that he had heroin in his pocket. T
he state lab had finally gotten around to analyzing the substance, which was det

ermined to be vitamin pills that had gone through a wash cycle while in his pant
s pocket. Said a police lieutenant, "The field test [is] not foolproof."
The New York Daily News reported in November that 71-year-old twin sisters Ynett
e Sapp and Olvette Mahan had just gotten plastic surgery (mole and wrinkles remo
ved) on their faces purely so they would continue to look exactly alike. Said th
e doctor, the situation is not that unusual; for example, another identical pair
was scheduled the next day.
GOVERNMENT IN ACTION
Recent European Unity Feuds: Farmers in Sweden are still upset, according to a r
eport by the country's Bureau of Statistics in June, at their inability to sell
straight cucumbers in Europe; EU regulations require prime cukes to bend 1 cm fo
r every 20 cm's in length. And Belgium and France were victorious in October in
a European Parliament vote to require that chocolate be made only with cocoa but
ter and not with substitute vegetable fats; a British Parliament member complain
ed that British chocolate has always been made with little or no cocoa butter.
In September, an official government wristwatch with the face of the prime minis
ter of Malaysia went on sale at the main parliament building in Kuala Lumpur, re
tailing for about $470. And in June, in an announcement on the first year of ope
ration, the state of Louisiana reported selling 100,000 of its own Royal brand c
ondoms. State health officials claim that it is more economical to make their ow
n than to subsidize higher-priced, brand-named condoms for high-disease-risk cli
ents.
According to Chicago Sun-Times reports in June and November, the Illinois Depart
ment of Children and Family Services since 1995 has doled out $22.5 million in c
ash and gifts to the most dysfunctional 1,370 families on their rolls, including
almost $75,000 to one mother of six. DCFS's "wraparound plans" are designed to
simulate middle-class environments so that children can be raised by a natural p
arent, but critics call the program a jackpot for precisely the worst parents in
the city, in that many have been charged with abusing and neglecting their kids
. Among the goods included in a typical wraparound plan are: electronic gear and
"entertainment center," YMCA membership, and aikido, basketball, and drama clas
ses.
U. S. Rep. Sam Farr of California introduced a bill this year to end a loophole
in the federal Unemployment Tax Act that made it possible for a Santa Cruz, Cali
f., voting monitor, who was a retired county worker, to grind out one grueling d
ay at the polls in November, claim the next day that he was "laid off," and ther
eby collect about $12,000 in benefits over a two-year period.
According to an Associated Press dispatch in May, scientists at the Department o
f Agriculture's meat science research lab in Beltsville, Md., have developed an
explosion system to tenderize meat by sending supersonic shock waves through it.
The shock waves literally rip the muscle tissue apart on a microscopic scale, w
ithout any loss of taste. One researcher said the process could be used commerci
ally within a year.
COURTROOM FOLLIES
In their divorce hearing In September in Edwardsville, Ill., Karon Watt and Greg
Watt were arguing over ownership of the couple's cellular phone. Suddenly, Greg
's beeper went off, and he reached for the phone to return a call, which infuria
ted Karon, who snatched the phone out of his hand and fled the courtroom. Greg c
aught up with her outside, where a brief tussle ensued, which ended when Karon b
it Greg's arm, and Judge Randall Bono threatened to jail both people for contemp
t of court. Bono awarded custody to Karon.

In September, murder defendant Hosie Grant, 72, seated on a bench in a courtroom

in Little Rock, Ark., with other defendants at the daily arraignment hearing, f
ell into a sound sleep as he awaited his case to be announced. He was still asle
ep later when his two daughters and a public defender entered a not-guilty plea
for him, but just then, a benchmate shook him awake. Aroused from his slumber bu
t not yet aware of the proceedings, he impulsively arose and shouted, "I plead g
uilty." He is charged with stabbing a close friend to death, and the judge permi
tted the not-guilty plea to stand.
In October, Italy's highest appeal court, the Court of Cessation, ruled that the
breakup of a marriage was not the wife's fault even though she abandoned the hu
sband. The wife was able to demonstrate that for two years of battling, and a fi
stfight, she was no longer able to indulge her mother-in-law's presence in the h
ome, and the judges agreed the constant interference was intolerable. Rome's lar
gest newspaper, La Repubblica, sympathized, calling the typical Italian mother-i
n-law "unstoppable as a panzer, omnipresent, overbearing, meddlesome, and mischi
ef-making."
And in August, a Tokyo District Court, citing changing times, rejected a $38,000
claim by a man who said his ex-wife, who worked full-time outside the home, non
etheless had an obligation to do all the housework.
WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME
In July, Gary and Marlene Johnston pleaded guilty in Halton, Ontario, to cheatin
g the government out of $11,000 (Cdn) in welfare benefits. They had posed in 199
5 as a destitute couple with two kids and assets of only a 15-year-old car. Howe
ver, in September 1996, they purchased a house in a well-to-do neighborhood and
proceeded to park their two late-model cars and a boat in the driveway. The new
house was just down the street from the house of their welfare caseworker, who s
potted them in the yard.
In October, James T. Hilton, who police said had just carjacked a van in Bloomfi
eld, N.J., was chased by police in West Orange into the neighborhood of Our Lady
of the Valley Roman Catholic Church. Hilton slowed down and was captured after
accidentally banging into two unmarked police cars driving slowly down the stree
t and leading a 5,000-officer funeral procession for state trooper Scott M. Gonz
alez.
CLICHES COME TO LIFE
In October, Tulsa, Okla., firefighters were called to a church during a birthday
party for Mabel McCullough. The alarm had been triggered by smoke from the cand
les on the cake of the 95-year-old woman.
In July, Missouri's new vehicle safety law took effect, prohibiting people from
riding in the open bed of a pickup truck. However, an exception was provided for
a family transporting their kids where there are too many to ride in the cab an
d where the truck is the family's only vehicle. The sponsor called the exception
"the Jed Clampett amendment."
WORKING DUH!
At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the kitchen area and put it in the r
efrigerator with a sign that said, "Do not remove." It stayed there for the fina
l three weeks of my contract. I actually witnessed individuals taking it out, us
ing it and putting it back. [Morgan's Note: A variation of this theme would be a
sign on the soap that reads, "Do not use with water."] [Another Morgan's Note:
Another variation is a sign on a cafeteria line: "Not to be taken internally."]

A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At t
he cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's lice
nse. She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it wa
y from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at l
east use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's stateho
od.
A report from a 9th grader: Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over s
eventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overh
eard the workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it ne
xt to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying drin
ks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the same drinks,
and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.
When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national basis, I was able to convinc
e one individual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do oth
erwise would violate federal law.
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring wa
ter was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned th
is fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" She replied, "Must be
because the oil would suffocate them."
My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have pre
sentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these pre
sentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in
a trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive des
igner and were about 200 pounds each. An individual from the audience piped up,
"200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!"
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older frien
d. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of
course had my date of birth printed on it. He looked at it and said, "You have
to be 21 to get in here." I replied, "That ID is a few years old." He looked at
it again for a moment, then said, "Oh, OK" and let me in.
At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters aroun
d the office featuring parts of motivating words such as'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'. T
his was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However,
to the joy of the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters appeared. It was
the single word: 'B LL'.
There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted in tw
o-foot high letters on the storefronts of their several locations: "If it's in s
tock, we've got it!"
The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as
the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phon
e would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the
morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happ
ening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she wa
s calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She ha
d spent an entire morning calling herself.
Near 50 percent of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. Most of th
e time the cause is something as vague as "irreconcilable differences." But some
times the reasons for divorcing are more specific. Here are some examples:
A man in Tarittville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a

note on the refrigerator, which read: "I won't be home when you return from wor
k. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clo
ck on Channel 2."
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he r
emoved onions from his hamburger without first asking for permission."
The South Dakota Supreme Court upheld a divorce court ruling in September 1994,
citing the husband as the cause of the couple's troubles. The husband had, among
other bad habits, a tendency of passing gas around the house and then getting a
ngry with his wife when she complained. The wife claimed her husband could easil
y regulate his odoriferous emissions and would break wind as a "retaliation thin
g."
A man in Long Island filed for divorce against his wife claiming that she is a w
itch and routinely practices ritualistic animal sacrifices.
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife
"was always nagging him in sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "
duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "staye
d home too much and was much too affectionate."
Teacher Jack Fesneau refused to speak to his wife Christina for more than two ye
ars because of the way she said, "I do" at their wedding. Christina, from Quebec
, Canada, has been granted a divorce.
A Judge granted a divorce to Percy Quentin because his wife Thelma organized a l
ottery - with herself as the prize. After selling 600 tickets at US$5 each in Lo
s Angeles, US, the winner was a 73-year-old man.
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collect
ed by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch at Galveston...
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close
veins.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea)(direathe
) the shits. [words were crossed out in the)'s].
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree a
nd misplaced his hip.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute h
im.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know
what size she wear.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with
the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not bree
d well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headach
e and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brothe
r had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throa

t and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last
night.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,31,32, and also
33.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the
growing part.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots le
ak.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday
paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Real notices spotted around the world and written by...well, "people whose first
language is not English".
1. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
2. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between
the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
3. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You ar
e welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artis
ts, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
4. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
5. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will
execute customers in strict rotation.
6. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable f
ood, give it to the guard on duty.
7. A sign in a Paris hotel: "Please leave your values at the front desk"
8. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR,
you are welcome to it"
9. Instructions in a Belgrade elevator: "To more the cabin, push button for wish
ing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a numbe
r of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
10. A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have chi
ldren in the bar"
11. A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day
. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
12. From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong: "Teeth extracted by the lat
est Methodists"
13. How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map: "Dirty Water Punishm
ent Place"
14. Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit
up"
15. Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the corrid
ors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
16. Sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse driven city
tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."
17. From the instructions on a Japanese hotel air conditioner: "Cooles and Heate
s: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
18. Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them
in all directions"
19. From the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope fo
r"
20. From a tourist brochure: "In the close village you can buy jolly memorials f
or when you pass away."
21. Two signs in a Majorcan shops: "Here speeching American" and English well tal
king.
22. Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteo
us, efficient self-service."
23. From a story in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly t

aking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
24. Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
25. Detour sign in Japan: "Stop. Drive sideways."
26. Sign at a Swiss inn: "Special Today - no ice cream"
27. Instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle: "Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day
until passing away"
28. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
Signs Sighted in London
1. Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when t
he light goes out
2. London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
3. In an office: To the person who took the stepladder yesterday, please bring i
t back or further steps will be taken
4. Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag Do-it-yourself
5. In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside
down on the draining board
6. On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (Thi
s door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
7. Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - Bicycles, washing machines,
ect Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
8. Sign outside a new town hall, which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened.
Open tomorrow.
9. Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for d
inner also
10. On the side of a road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100
yrs.
11. Outside a disco: SMARTS is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcom
e
12. A Hazard sign: QUICKSAND. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By
order of the district council.
13. Notice sent to residents of a parish: Due to increasing problems with letter
louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to
do their best to keep them in order
14. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for mor
e than 30 days will be disposed of
15. Sign on motorway garage: Do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may n
ot be worth much but out petrol is
16. Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness
17. Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
18. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn t know it, the
re is a day care on the first floor
19. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, bu
t the bull charges
20. On a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get less
ons
21. On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the doo
r - The bell doesn't work)
22. Sign at farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one
has just left
23. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "Do not activate with wet h
ands."
In
In
ines
In

the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
a Kentucky appliance store window: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing mach
do the dirty work.
a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

 At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container
."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought t
o see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full e
xtent of the law." -Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church
."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs
."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They wo
n't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can
come here?"
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please ext
inguish the perpetual light."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from an
y but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
"
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's t
ime to wash your car."
Newspaper Headlines

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
`84 War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers

Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go any
where again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks inc
luded.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beatin
g.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and sala
ry.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home,
too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns
toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

 Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general house
keeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in
appetizing forms.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rock
ing horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really r
epellent.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner
having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely
pool while you drink it all in.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women
wear nothing else.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Garden
s.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be wil
ling to get hands dirty.
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inco
nvenience.
Apparently these are true ads taken from various Arkansas newspapers...
FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL- SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/ offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE. ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELL
ENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE ************
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE, SLIGHTLY STAINED
AMERICAN FLAG, 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR S
OUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADI
OACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER

t
.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER $300

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE. BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE AND DONUTS.
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellen
condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend
Wife knows everything.

From the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help
music lovers increase their reproduction.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the
big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadi
an Broadcorping Castration.

Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears s hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I h
ave to work on my hair!)
2. On a Japanese soda machine: Soft drinks - Enjoy refreshing taste while having
a good time chatting! (Friends sold separately.)
3. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details ins
ide. (The shoplifter special!)
4. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be
how?)
5. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a
suggestion!)
6. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (Really?)
7. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upsid
e down. (Too late! You lose!)
8. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you
sure??? Let's experiment.)
9. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't t
hat save more time?)
10. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction incidents if we just kept
those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)
11. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
12. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only
. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
13. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm cur
ious.)
14. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (But no peas?)
15. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Have a lobotomy)
16. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genit
als. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
17. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you t

o fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

18. A Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children
19. Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant: "Caution
: DO NOT LICK LID"
20. Dr. Pepper bottle: "WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSI
NG EYE OR OTHER SERIOUS INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHILE OPENING
."
21. From a newspaper article: "A congressionally-funded study has determined tha
t many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages"
22. Top Cog fan belts instructions for replacement: Do not change belt while the
engine is running.
23. Indigo Owners Manual: Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at
co-workers.
24. Cloth roller restrooms towels: Warning! Improper use may cause serious injur
y or death!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lec
ture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real e
xamples:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voic
e came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight att
endant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overh
ead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll tr
y to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude
now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, s
o I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or a
dults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything lef
t behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not l
eave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. Th
e flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I k
now what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was
the asphalt!"
Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with,
"Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once t
he tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the doo
r and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

 Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blas
ting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us h
ere a US Airways."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of t
he best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on th
is flight."

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and
the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pil
ots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Announcements appearing in church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downs
tairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the chu
rch. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk
will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my

little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All l
adies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an
egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward a
nd do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be s
een in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Com
e early and listen to our choir practice.

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers wh
o work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you
. An anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa con
strictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and fo
ur hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you
are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tig
ht against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet
and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do
not panic
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfec
tly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as p
ossible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of t
he snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip u
pwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

TOURIST QUESTIONS
These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the countr
y. Excerpted from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121.
Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
Is the mule train air-conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park:

Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park, (Alaska):
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of
President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US ci
tizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I e
xplained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted
"I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn'
t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to Ca
lifornia and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the
length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with
"I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." With
out trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod i
s in Massachusetts, Capetown is
in Africa." Her response.... click.
A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angles. She gave me various nam
es off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To

my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the
LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all
, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong wit
h the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried
to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state
."
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up
the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him
why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I
need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight
from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to expl
ain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand th
e concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bo
ught that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag
so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She r
eplied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage
that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her o
n hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came ba
ck and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just
putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get
on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my fli
ght number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer
planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
"Yea, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order t
o fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he ne
eded a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those." I double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. Whe
n I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they
have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus,
New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you
sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the
customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I'v
e looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anyw
here." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Ch
eck your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offe
red, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador in Canada received a phone
call from the CBC (CBC Canadian Broadcasting Company, a Canadian TV station).
The CBC representative on the other end of the line thanked the ambassador for h
is prompt arrival at interviews etc, and for a generally good year. The ambassad
or returned the thanks. The CBC representative then asked the ambassador what he
wanted for Christmas. Thinking that it might be inappropriate for him to accept
a gift, the ambassador said that he didn't think that it was a very good idea.
However, The CBC representative insisted, and in the end the ambassador said tha
t he wanted a small box of crystallized
fruits. The CBC rep seemed a little puzzled at this answer, but they ended the c
onversation and the ambassador thought nothing more of it. Later that month, on

Boxing Day, the ambassador was sitting watching the news on TV with his family w
hen he was treated to this item at the end: "Before Christmas, we asked three fo
reign ambassadors
what they wanted for Christmas. The French ambassador said that he wanted world
peace and an end to suffering, the German ambassador said that he wanted a
cure for cancer, and the British ambassador said that he wanted a small box of c
rystallized fruits...."
TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) - A company is trying to erase an embarrassing mistake it
made on pencils bearing an anti-drug message. The pencils carry the slogan: "To
o
Cool to Do Drugs." But a sharp-eyed fourth-grader in northern New York noticed w
hen the pencils are sharpened; the message turns into "Cool to Do Drugs" then si
mply "Do Drugs..."
One day while leaving work I saw the security guard for our building, looking co
nfused, standing in the parking lot. I asked what the problem was, and she repli
ed that her car was missing. Suddenly she recalled that earlier in the day she h
ad ordered a car towed from the reserved parking area. It was her car.
A man named Hugh Gallagher wrote this essay when he was applying for college. Hu
gh now attends New York University.
3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you,
the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there
any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized,
that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been kn
own to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in
the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water fo
r three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles
up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in t
wenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Per
u. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
a small village in the Amazon
Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, the Mets scou
ted me, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build larg
e suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, afte
r school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worl
dwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. I don't perspire. I a
m a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and
have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling ce
ntrifugal-force demonstration. I bat a .400. My deft floral arrangements have ea
rned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once r
ead Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had tim
e to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performe
d several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I
sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a
group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not a
pply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, t
o let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered t
he meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four c
ourse meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I

have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and sp
elling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart su
rgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock H
olmes. Once, he told this story about a time that he was waiting at a taxi-stand
outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcas
e in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wan
ted to go, the driver asked him: Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle? Doyle was flabbe
rgasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: No Si
r, I have never seen you before.
The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The dri
ver replied: This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Mars
eilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always co
me to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your
right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very E
nglish, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that
you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Doyle said: This is truly amazing. You are a real
-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.
There is one other
thing, the driver said. What is that?
Your name is on the front of your suitcase.
--This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food es
tablishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in
a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style sev
erance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it no
tes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It stunk.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intima
te environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 5
0 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you
have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fab
ulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread
. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE
?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Dep
artment of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extr
a precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. "We advise outdoorsmen
to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that ar
en't expecting them.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encount
er with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear acti
vity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly
bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squi
rrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
---One afternoon, during our second week of summer camp, we were at the pool and Az
uriah (1st Grade) came up to me screaming with his hands over his eyes, "MY EYES
! MY EYES!" Sunscreen was spread thickly on his forehead and the water from the
pool had cascaded opaque streams over his eyelids. "It hurts! Ow!" I grabbed Max
and Jack (3rd graders), to accompany us in the bathroom to rise out his eyes.
Max and Jack showed little sympathy and fooled around with the sinks as I instru
cted Azuriah to splash water over his eyes. He wailed and carried on with tortur
ous pain "MY EYES!" Owwww!"
I appreciated Max and Jack keeping themselves occupied but I noticed Jack fillin
g his cupped hand with liquid soap. "Jack!", I said firmly. "I'm trying to help
this guy out and you're just wasting the soap! Go sit down on the bench and wait
please." I resume helping Azuriah get water over his face and not ten seconds l
ater, I see Jack with his hands over his eyes yelling, "AHHH MY EYES!"
San Jose, Ca
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