The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating, Eric Anderson, Oxford University

Press, 2012, 0199943907, 9780199943906, 256 pages. Whether straight or gay, most men start
their relationships desiring monogamy. This is rooted in the pervasive notion that monogamy exists
as a sign of true love. Yet despite this deeply held cultural ideal, cheating remains rampant. In this
accessible book, Eric Anderson investigates why 78% of men he interviewed have cheated despite
their desire not to. Combining 120 interviews with research from the fields of sociology, biology, and
psychology, Anderson identifies cheating as a product of wanting emotional passion for one's
partner, along with a steadily growing desire for emotionally-detached recreational sex with others.
Anderson coins the term "the monogamy gap" to describe this phenomenon. Anderson suggests
that monogamy is an irrational ideal because it fails to fulfil a lifetime of sexual desires. Cheating
therefore becomes the rational response to an irrational situation. The Monogamy Gap draws on a
range of concepts, theories, and disciplines to highlight the biological compulsion of our sexual
urges, the social construction of the monogamous ideal, and the devastating chasm that lies
between them. Whether single or married, monogamous or open, straight or gay, readers will find
The Monogamy Gap to be an enlightening, intellectually compelling, and provocative book..
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Whether straight or gay, most men start their relationships desiring monogamy. This is rooted in the
pervasive notion that monogamy exists as a sign of true love. Yet despite this deeply held cultural
ideal, cheating remains rampant. In this accessible book, Eric Anderson investigates why 78% of
men he interviewed have cheated despite their desire not to.
Combining 120 interviews with research from the fields of sociology, biology, and psychology,
Anderson identifies cheating as a product of wanting emotional passion for one's partner, along with
a steadily growing desire for emotionally detached recreational sex with others. Anderson coins the
term "the monogamy gap" to describe this phenomenon, suggesting that monogamy is an irrational
ideal because it fails to fulfil a lifetime of sexual desires. Cheating therefore becomes the rational
response to an irrational situation.
The Monogamy Gap draws on a range of concepts, theories, and disciplines to highlight the
biological compulsion of our sexual urges, the social construction of the monogamous ideal, and the
devastating chasm that lies between them. Whether single or married, monogamous or open,
straight or gay, readers will find The Monogamy Gap to be an enlightening, intellectually compelling,
and provocative book.
Reading The Monogamy Gap was an engaging, intellectually stimulating, and eye-opening
experience for me as a young man interested in social attitudes towards sex and relationships. In an
accessible style, the author uncovers the complex truth to modern beliefs about monogamy and
cheating. The Monogamy 'Myth', as his book could have been titled, reveals the disparity between
our public desire to appear monogamous, and our private desire to have enjoyable and fulfilling
sex-lives in an increasingly sexualized world. Radical, provocative, and well-researched, I would
highly recommend this book to anyone interested in improving their relationships or learning about
current trends in society.
Any book that claims rigor but approvingly cites Michel Foucault undermines its claim to
rigorousness. While the subject of "The Monogamy Gap" is interesting, the book draws on 120
interviews of university men. That's it. Its conclusions might be mildly useful for understanding that
particular group but its claims shouldn't be applied beyond that group. There are many useful things
to be said about monogamy, but most of them have been and are being said by evolutionary
biologists and psychologists, and by anthropologists. Anderson is a sociologist and his discipline
shows.
The "monogamy gap" refers to the internal conflict people experience when they naturally desire
one thing but are forced to act in a contradictory manner. Using an intricate interweaving of
sociology and psychology, Dr. Anderson discusses the nature and limitations of the monogamous
normativity that reigns supreme in modern society. He uses engaging interviews conducted in a
large-scale research study to illustrate the point and is not afraid to challenge the often archaic and
unchanging views of larger society, despite the clear boundaries these views instill upon people.

Discussed are issues such as the natural desire to want sex, the truth about cheating, and the
uncomfortable aftermath that occurs when one abides by the puritan doctrines set forth upon them,
despite the nagging propensity to engage in sexual or bonding relationships with others.
It is refreshing to see the honest and direct candor the author uses to describe the dissonance
people experience when their desires tell them one thing, but society demands something else. The
interviews may make you uncomfortable, and the theories set forth may defy your current
understanding of human behavior, but in the end you will thank Dr. Anderson for his provocation; for
in the end, the truth shall set you free.
If you are an academic or you like learning new words for ordinary things then you will probably
enjoy this book. If you find Academic style prose challenging maybe you should skip it. I tend to find
the pretentious academic style the book is written in kind of annoying. Never the less I think I added
a new word to my vocabulary for every two or three pages and the basic idea that young men are
hardwired for variety makes sense. Note the author is very clear about that. It may be true that older
men and even women might like a bit of variety but since he stuck with college age subjects that is
all he can make conclusions about.
The title of this book should really be Cheat's Charter. It is a hoot, and would appeal to readers of
lads' mags, if they could only ignore the ponderous sociological jargon designed to show high
intellectual aims. Anderson argues that male sexual cheating is ubiquitous; that men cheat "because
they love their partners" (although what he actually means is "despite loving them"); that women
should understand and accept this; that western rules of fidelity and monogamy impose intolerable
and irrational constraints on men's innate, lifelong, somatic need for sexual exploration and
adventure; that almost all men become sexually bored with their partner roughly two years into a
relationship when they decide they need more diversity and novelty; and that open sexual
relationships are the only solution for men at least.
Anderson is an American sociologist who specialises in sexuality and sport, partly because he is gay
and was a distance runner as a teenager. This explains why his study of cheating behaviour and
rationales relies on interviews with 120 male university students aged 18-22, but focusing on
American soccer stars. These young men are athletes at their physical peak, who live in a utopian
sexual marketplace, with young women often throwing themselves at them, just as some young
women groupies in Britain seek to sleep with all members of top football teams. By defining cheating
broadly enough to include kissing, touching and flirting, he finds that four-fifths of these young men
cheat on their partners, especially when they are playing away from their home base. He claims that
pretty well all young men, heterosexual and gay, will cheat sooner or later if they possibly can, and
that opportunity and deniability are the primary factors.
His argument has some support in the recent national sex surveys showing that men want sex more
than women do. The result is the male sex deficit, as I call it in my book Honey Money male
demand outstrips female supply, overall, in the heterosexual community. Anderson does not really
have an answer to this problem, because he effectively ignores women, and relies heavily on his
knowledge of gay cultures. It works for them, so why not for heterosexuals too?
Anderson sees regular casual sex with a variety of people (which he recommends) as different from
affairs (involving dating and romance), which he regards as emotional betrayal. This distinction may
apply among gay men, where impersonal and spontaneous sex is not uncommon, but most
heterosexual wives and girlfriends would question this finesse as even he admits in several of
his anecdotes about men who were caught in the act by their enraged girlfriends.
In addition, most men in this study wanted extra casual sex and sexual adventures for themselves,
but they certainly did not want their partner to have the same privilege. So they maintained the
sexual double standard, and relied heavily on what can variously be described as dishonesty or
discretion, to keep their partner ignorant of their adventures and flings.
Who are the young women who are so ready to fall into bed with these libidinous men? Apparently

they are other students who are also enjoying the opportunity to sow their wild oats while they can in
the short time before they get jobs, get married and have children. However, the book pretty well
ignores women and their views on sex and fidelity. Several studies suggest that even emancipated
university students are still looking for Mr Right and anticipating marriage. So young men who use
women for recreational sex, pure and simple, may be cheating them as well as their regular
girlfriends. Men still use (the promise of) love to obtain sex, while women offer sex in the hope of
getting love and commitment.
In effect, Anderson is promoting the gay sexual credo as equally valid for heterosexuals, most of
whom will have children sooner or later. He notes that many hetero men look enviously at the more
lively sexual lifestyles of gay men. Although he offers little evidence, he is clear (and most studies
back him up) that sexual promiscuity is widespread, even normal, within the gay community,
certainly far more common than among hetero men. The model he presents is of a secure loving
semi-permanent emotional relationship, with lots of casual sex on the side with diverse others for
purely recreational purposes. Men should have their cake and eat it too. He knows this works for
almost all libidinous young men, especially for gays. He has no idea whether this could work for
everyone, for married people, for women with lively young children who are too tired for sex even
with their spouse.
It is possible to write honestly about affairs, their causes and consequences, for men and women,
and several recent books do this. But Anderson ducks too many obvious questions about the
male-centric sexual lifestyle he eulogises. I am surprised that the book is published by Oxford
University Press, because this comes across as a proselytising text rather than social science.
However, young men will love his message: monogamy is unfair and irrational! Cheaters love their
partners but need more sex, and why shouldn't they have it all?
"Sociologist Eric Anderson asks troubling, controversial questions, and his answers might well
unsettle and challenge readers. To Anderson, monogamy is a bankrupt illusion foisted on young
men and women, which falsely promises that once they find true love, they will no longer experience
ubiquitous sexual boredom and the desire to cheat. Leading the reader on an unpredictable journey,
Anderson explores a number of related issues, such as why one should be 'happy' when a
boyfriend/girlfriend is having 'hot sex' with another person; why gay boys masturbate more; and why
straight men are becoming desensitized to gay sex. Anderson closes with his solution to negotiating
sexual and romantic urges: a sexually promiscuous, emotionally monogamous relationship." - Ritch
C. Savin-Williams, Chair and Professor of Human Development, and Director, Sex and Gender Lab,
Cornell University"You may or may not agree with Eric Anderson's thesis, but The Monogamy Gap
is a hard book to ignore. Sometimes somber, sometimes sassy, always engaging, Anderson is not
afraid to challenge conventional wisdom about the ills of contemporary relationships. Monogamy,
not infidelity, he argues, is the problem. Mixing scientific reports, imaginative sociological theorizing,
and original interviews with gay and straight men, The Monogamy Gap is the most compassionate
account to date of men's struggle to reconcile their lives with cultural expectations for sexual fidelity."
- Judith Treas, Professor of Sociology, University of California, Irvine''The Monogamy Gap is a
fascinating addition to the literature on monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. Weaving
together sociological and psychological theory and research with the accounts of men, the book
proposes insightful, original, and provocative understandings of cheating behavior. As always, Eric
Anderson writes in a way that is both engaging and well-informed, making this book a delight to
read. The Monogamy Gap is a must
Professor Eric Anderson is an American sociologist at the University of Winchester. He is known for
his research on sex, gender, and sport. Anderson is also the author of eight books, many of which
document the development of pro-gay attitudes in young, heterosexual men. His work examines
how this changing culture enables heterosexual men to show love and affection more openly toward
their male peers, and how openly gay male athletes are thriving in sport.
Just finished my copy of the monogamy gap and all I can say is WOW! What a great read from front
to back, I couldnt put the book down! When first recommended the book by a friend I expected it to
be a simple justification of why it is ok to cheat, but I was wrong. The author brings together the

findings of a range of academic fields to make a very well articulated and highly rational argument.
The book does not preach what the best form of relationship is, but instead takes a critical look at
monogamy, something I was assured since a child was the ONLY way to be. I thank the author for
bringing a breathe of fresh air into my life and helping to explain why we all esteem monogamy but
rarely achieve it.
What is Oxford University Press doing publishing this book? Eric Anderson used to be a "gay" sports
coach until a misguided university set him up as a "sex researcher". There is no academic research
in his book. He has just taken statistics of the behaviour of young men brought up in a permissive
society and uses it to argue that monogamy is bad and impossible. He offers a new model of gay
marriage based on his own i.e. two male homosexuals living together and cruising for casual sex
with all and sundry. This is a harmful book, and will disgust anyone who knows what real marriage
is. I have heard Anderson speak in public and I was disgusted by his attitudes and his language
which I will not even attempt to reproduce as it was obscene. No wonder that we have an epidemic
of STIs in this country with the worst HIV statistics being among young homosexual males. It starts
with lust and it leads to colostomy bags and anal cancer. A sad, horrible book.
Oy yoy yoy.. Being retired gives one time for pleasures like reading the Economist or Private Eye
cover to cover, but also to become familiar with the underbelly of publishing. I've read some clunkers
over the past few years, the culprits are usually academics who think they can wing it, and believe
me the publisher is no guarantee. This book's thesis is that open marriages are more secure infidelity as safety valve. I freely confess to not having read it, but David Sexton has. If you are AT
ALL tempted (by its thesis) I suggest you a look at his Evening Standard review of 8th March; it is
wise, compassionate and scathing
Freedom and restraint are of course equipoised; to be absolutely free would be like being not
human, indeed scarcely sentient (an amoeba, say, that has no constraints but is entirely in thrall to
instinct). One asks oneself (rhetorically) how old this guy is, if he's telling others it's OK to cheat
(vicar-in-reverse-like) or trying to reassure him*self* (be your own analyst; maybe noone would take
him on?) and above all why OUP is giving him 256 pages to do it in? There are too many self-help
books that help mainly the author; I've had the misfortune to review several. And can those two
other reviewers actually be unknown to him?
Sexual taboos are falling in Western cultures. Largely due to the Internet, today's youth take a much
more sex-positive view to what comes naturally. They have shed the fear and misconception of
masturbation. They enjoy a hook-up culture where sex is easier to come by. Taboos have withered
from homophobic moralistic Victorian ideals of heterosexual, missionary 'sex' to the acceptance not
only of homosexuality but for the viewing of gay male pornography by straight men.
Young men entering into romantic/sexual relationships are misled into thinking that monogamy is
capable of providing them with a lifetime of sexual fulfillment and that if they truly loved their partners
they would not desire others. This, we are told, is because monogamy is healthy, proper, moral, and
natural. Anyone deviating from or challenging this script is stigmatized.
(2) Despite this belief, sexual habituation sets in quickly. Attempts to spice-up one's sex life normally
occur about the time a couple enters into the emotional storming stage of a relationship: three
months. But despite these attempts, the intensity and frequency of sex declines within a few
months.
(3) The relentless urge to have sex with someone else grows stronger as the emotional strength of
the relationship develops. Young men who fail to love their girlfriends or boyfriends aren't compelled
to stay with their partners. Instead, they are culturally free to leave their partners. But men don't
leave their partners because of waning sexual desires alone; they love their partners and do not
wish to leave them. They simply want sex with someone else to fulfill their somatic desires while
keeping their emotional relationships intact.
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