Chapter

three

Dealing with Difficult

Behavior and Reinforcing the Good

As a busy parent, youve probably already noticed that your kids

have certain sticking points during the course of the day that
always degenrate into a battle of wills. Whether its refusing to eat
properly at the table or getting them into bed, dont panic! The
fact is: kids (even Awesome ones) look at life a little differently
than adults do. And often its this difference in perspective that
leads to loggerheads.
Here are a few of the areas we know parents have the most trouble
with.

No!

Did you know that more than 60% of the time children dont
comply the first time theyre asked to do something? Of course
you did. Youre a parent! Ignoring you, getting sidetracked, or
just outright refusal to do something suddenly becomes par for
the course for your little Awesome Monster.
So whats that all about? At around the age of two kids begin to
sense theyre separate from the big people, and to experiment
saying: No!. This is your child beginning to develop healthy
assertiveness skills, and personal boundaries.

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And remember, their refusal isnt just bald defiance, its also the
the start of a childs understanding of negotiation and problem
solving.
As inconvenient and downright stressful as it is, we all want our
children to be able to think for themselves and to stand up for
what they believe in when theyre adults.
Knowing when to stand your ground is an important skill which
will help them navigate their way through disagreements with
others. Its a skill best taught at home, where people love and
support them and can help them to form coping strategies. Its
better than being taught by other kids, who also want their own
way, and havent learned these skills yet either.
Of course, no ones suggesting that every time they assert themselves, they get what they want. The world doesnt work that way
for anyone, no matter how old you are.
But its perhaps reassuring to know that kids saying no, or not
complying immediately, is normal and typically occurs with
nearly all of then more than half the time theyre asked or told to
do something.
Luckily, the Awesome Deck of Awesome can help you reduce the
frequency of those nos significantly, by shifting the focus onto
something they want and are motivated to work for: an Awesome
card!

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Time is on your side

If youre a kid, that is.

Getting kids to hurry up is a source of stress in many families, for
both parents and children. But remember, kids dont think about
time the way adults do. Period.
Think back to when you were a child and it was the last day of
school before the holidays, when you had the feeling of the summer stretching endlessly out before you, and how now, you blink,
and the summer has passed. Time was simply a different concept
back then.
Kids live much more in the now than we adults do. They get
totally engrossed in what theyre doing at that moment, and all
else fades away.
Partly because their brains are still under construction, they really
do think differently than we adults do they are not just smaller
versions of us.
When trying to cajole a kid to up-the-pace, it really helps to get
their attention focused, and some strategies for this include:
Touching them gently on the shoulder
Ensuring eye contact (so you know theyre present)
Telling them what you need in short simple sentences
Having them repeat what you just said, so you know they
heard and understood

When theyre ready, reinforcing that good behavior with an

Awesome card!

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Another strategy you might want to try is walking them backwards through what needs to be done - allowing them to fill in the
blanks and internalize the steps...
If we want to see Daddy, we have to get to the station before his
train arrives. What do we need to do to get ready?
Get our shoes on?
Yup! And what else?
Our coats?
And what do we need to put away before we can do those
things?
My puzzle?
Thats right! And if we can get that done in the next 5 minutes,
Ive got an Awesome card for you!

Getting a Sleepyhead
out of Bed

There can come a time when waking your child up is harder than
getting them to go to sleep! Some kids are morning birds and will
be up with the dawn. In these cases, an Awesome card for staying
quietly in their bedroom until its time to get up can be helpful!
But some are slow to transition between sleeping and wakefulness.
For these children, rushing them gets them up on the wrong side
of the bed!
Tips for Managing Difficult Risers:
Help them choose and lay out what they want to wear the
next day the night before. Have everything ready.

Give them more time start waking them earlier, let them
wake up naturally, and gradually.

Wake them one sense at a time. Try humming quietly as

you go into their bedroom, open the curtains a bit to let

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in some light, then say good morning. You could then try
tickling them, or rubbing their back, or singing to them
softly.

Bring them a small glass of juice, or a bit of fruit if that

helps, to put by their bedside for when theyre ready for it.

Try having a beat the clock race when getting dressed or

get them to beat their own previous record.

Have a no TV in the morning rule it causes way too many

issues. At the very least, ensure they dont get plugged
in to TV or tech toys until after theyve completed all their
morning routines (including getting dressed, personal hygiene routines, breakfast and getting their backpack ready
for school.

Remember that all of these issues can be set it up as a regular

Awesome goal to be overcome and rewarded for success. Then
watch how this motivates them to complete the task and feel good
about their accomplishment!

Morning Routines

Some mornings, it may seem that you just cant get the children
out the door. Whenever you have complex routines where a series
of steps need be completed, give an Awesome card after each step
of the getting ready process. For example:
One card for getting dressed.
One card for teeth brushing.
One card for showing up at the breakfast table.
One card for getting coats and shoes on and books collected.
The night before, place a card on their dresser, by the sink, at the
table, and on their books, as a reminder of what needs to be done.

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Again, when theyre first learning these skills, and practicing the
sequence (for example as preschoolers), try focusing on one skill
at a time. Give one card immediately after they complete each
step, even if you need to verbally remind them.
Then, as they begin to understand the pattern of what you want,
you can decrease your presence and reminders, still giving the
cards when theyve completed the needed routine.
Whats helpful here is the consistency and predictability in your
expectations. Give them opportunities to remember it themselves
whenever possible.
After youve helped them to learn these skills, youll also want to
encourage more independent behavior choices. Again, when they
are young, to help them with this, you can use a visual reminder
for them create a chart (with photos from a magazine perhaps)
of each of the steps they need to take in the morning such as
getting up, choosing their clothes, getting dressed, brushing their
teeth and hair, washing their face and hands, eating breakfast,
getting their coats and shoes on etc.
Put the chart on the fridge and get them a small magnet so they
can move the magnet after they accomplish each task. Before they
leave in the morning, award them with a card for each of their
Awesome accomplishments.
As children get older, and more familiar with completing the
routines independently, change the goal so that they only get the
card if you dont have to tell them to do these things. Set it up the
first couple of days and then see how they do, awarding a card for

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every small task completed.

For pre-school children, give the cards as closely as possible to the
time theyve earned it. This helps them to develop the connection
between their behavior (cause) and getting the card (effect).
For older children, rather than giving the cards immediately, you
can wait until the evening and then make an elaborate show of
explaining how they earned each card, and also give them tips
on how to remember the other (missed) steps. Theyll go to bed
pumped and eager to perform even better the next day!

Bedtimes - Just Settle Down and go to

Sleep!!!

I probably dont need to tell you that for many children (and their
parents), bedtimes can be the most challenging time of the day.
For the under 5 year olds, the daytime world is still a magical
place, where things happen randomly. Remember that they havent yet grasped cause and effect.
Your attempts to reason with them and explain that theyll be tired
in the morning will fall on deaf ears (and sometimes a howling
mouth!). They just dont want to be separated from the action and
lie alone in the dark, and at that young age who can blame them?
They have to relinquish what tenuous bit of power they feel they
have in the world.
Not only that, when the darkness descends, even their friendly
bedroom and toys can take on a sinister look. Monsters could be
lurking under the bed, or in the closet, and their primary source
of comfort (you!) isnt there to protect them.
The bedtime avoidance dance is a critically important one to nip

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in the bud, not only for your own sanity, but to prevent your child
feeling anxious and to give them the benefit of a good nights rest
with as little trauma as possible.
So, how best can this be done?
Have a solid, predictable wind down routine. Typically, this
involves:
Letting them know in advance that bedtime is coming
Having a light healthy snack
Getting their glass of water, or whatever it is that they usually demand after theyve been tucked in

A warm bath can help if they find this soothing rather than

energizing this is not the time for bath-tub typhoons, tidal

waves and other natural disasters!

Brushing their teeth and washing their face

Quiet time unplugged from tech-toys or tv
A quiet one-on-one activity such as reading a book together, or playing a quiet game in their bedroom (preferably in
bed). This is an opportunity for quality time together. It
doesnt need to be long 10 minutes for a story, or even a
half an hour long chat if you both really enjoy it.

An ending ritual to clearly signal the end of the bedtime.

My mom used to have five different kinds of kisses, including nose-rubs, and eyelash [butterfly] kisses which wed
do on each others cheeks. But you can adapt this to have
a special series of handshakes, or a backrub, a well-loved
song you sing to them, or tracing I love you on their back
with your finger, one letter at a time. Whatever you choose
together, make it your nightly ritual.

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Stick to your goodnight boundaries. Some parents do this by

ignoring their childs ongoing efforts to re-engage them after lights
out, and sometimes its necessary. However, the use of Awesome
cards as a reward for staying in bed quietly and falling asleep can
also produce dramatically successful results (when the card is
awarded the next morning!).

Mealtimes

There can be lots of issues associated with mealtimes, resulting in

the table becoming real battlegrounds for some families.
In terms of food, some kids are just pickier than others. Usually,
this is because they hate the textures or taste. Kids have sensitive
tastebuds and taste food far more intensely than adults.
Too many rules can also cause ructions, for example: You must
eat every bit off your plate before leaving the table or You must
eat everything we do, even if you hate liver, brussel sprouts, etc.
These methods can sometimes can create anxiety and instant
reflexive resistance in kids.
Remember that if given space, their food preferences will naturally
change and shift over time and, as their palate develops, previously disliked foods may become acceptable to their tastebuds.
Family mealtimes a dying art?
In this fast-paced world where everyone is multi-tasking, the opportunity for eating together as a family
also seems to be disappearing, as reported in the
British newspaper, the Daily Mail (2010). Research
conducted amongst 3,000 U.K. adults found: Although 94 per cent of people reckon the evening

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meal is a great time for families to catch up together,

very few people actually achieve this. Those who do
manage to sit at the table together dont always have
the quality time together; thanks to their devices.
More than a third of adults and children watch TV
while sat at the dinner table.
Another eighteen percent make phone calls or send
text messages on their mobile.
Sixteen percent read a book or magazine instead of
having a conversation with their loved ones.
While nine percent admitted to playing computer
games.
Child Psychologist Richard Woolfson, commented
that the Bisto Aah Night survey sadly confirms that
the traditional family meal is in decline.
But heres why allowing family meals to become
obsolete is not a good idea: Huffington Post author
Timi Gustafson (2012) reported that studies have
shown time and again that eating together has multiple benefits for everyone involved, but especially for
children; and not only for nutritional purposes but in
many other aspects as well. According to a number
of reports issued by the National Center on Addiction
and Substance Abuse at Columbia University(CASA),
children who eat at least five times a week with their
family are at lower risk of developing poor eating
habits, weight problems or alcohol and substance
dependencies; and tend to perform better academ-

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ically than their peers who frequently eat alone or

away from home.9
Also, author Miriam Weinstein concurs in her book
titled The Surprising Power of Family Meals, The
dinner table can be the perfect environment where
kids learn how to conduct conversations, observe
good manners, serve others, listen, solve conflicts and
compromise.10
Obviously, there are many reasons for working to ensure your
family gets to experience the pleasures and learning opportunities
that can be associated with enjoying regular meals together. So,
try to:
Ensure regular opportunities for eating together
Focus on eating and sharing about your day, rather than
multi-tasking: dont allow reading or the use of devices
Make watching a movie or tv together part of your evening
routines, rather than part of your regular mealtimes
And avoid having battles over food
Work with your child on all these areas, as needed, using Awesome cards as rewards. Remember, mealtimes are meant to be
for sharing together, both food and conversation. They provide
an intimate opportunity for sharing your days experiences and
nurturing your child.
And your children may actually thank you for this! The Bisto
Aah Night survey (2010) results reported that two thirds of kids
yearn for a return to the traditional family dinner time. It seems

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they too are looking for ways to strengthen family relationships,

by spending quality time together.11

Out and About

We all know that it can be challenging to corral your child when

out in public, especially when theyre disinclined to cooperate.
This can run the gamut from your being out at a friends together,
at a sporting event, out shopping for some necessity other than
your childs priority of the latest toy, at a relatives. It might even
just be at the local park when playing with other kids.
Again, kids arent little adults in terms of how they perceive and
process information. Developing the skills to delay their gratification, to cooperate when something doesnt interest them, or to get
along with another child whos being unruly or obnoxious is all
part of their learning curve.
One means of avoiding trouble is by pre-planning your trip. Set
a goal with your child, outlining the desired behavior and the
number of cards they will earn. Discuss the potential challenges
and pre-solve options for dealing with these obstacles. Then agree
on the number of cards your child can earn for managing his or
her behavior during the trip.
Take along the deck, so you can give immediate rewards especially
if your child is really young, or if behavior in public is a significant
hurdle.
For older children, the rewarding of cards can be on your return
home, if that method works for you. Remember, delayed gratification can be quite challenging for children. Sometimes just receiving the card provides enough motivation to keep them going in a

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positive direction.
In the following chapters we give plenty of examples of how to use
the Awesome Deck in innovative ways, from making up games
to reward systems. Feel free to try out new techniques; mix and
match to discover what is best for your own Awesome Kids!
Our list is by no means all-encompassing. The ways you can use
the Awesome cards are limited only by your creativity, imagination, and the needs of your family. You know your children best
in terms of both their strengths and their stages of learning.
We encourage you to invent your own uses for the cards and to
share them with all of us on our website deckofAwesome.com

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