The Importance of Fathers

My friend expressed surprise at the toasts that her fathers golf buddies and law partners
made at his 70th birthday party. All night they kept telling me what a great sense of
humor he has and what a compassionate man he is. How come Ive never heard my father
tell a joke? If he shows compassion to the rest of the world, it hasnt spilled over to me.
Many dads, like my friends, feel that only two roles are open to them in the
familyearning a living and keeping everyone in line, while the world outside,
colleagues and friends, know them as more complete human beings: funny, wise,
friendly, even compassionate.
How many children grow up feeling, like my friend, that father is busy, taciturn, out of
touch, out of reach, somewhat admired, somewhat feared? Why this disparity? Various
studies have shown that the average dad spends only six minutes per day in non-directive
communication with his children; that is to say, providing some talk beyond instructions,
lectures, orders, standards, or demands.
One family I came to know was having serious problems with their 15-year-old son,
which eventually brought them into my practice. The boy was very angry with his father
because his fathers time was spent almost exclusively pursuing his business interests to
the extreme detriment of the family.
The turning point in the father/son relationship was the father meeting his son early at the
gym for a workout as promised. When more incidents like this occurred, the boys school
performance began to reflect his potential, which further improved the father/son
relationship.
When fathers are drawn away excessively by the demands of their careers, the family is
forced to learn to function without them. When dad comes home he disrupts established
routines and is almost an intruder. Just as the family adjusts to his presence, he may be
off on the next business trip. So the roles dad is left with are predictable: earn a living for
the family and enforce his authority in the family.
He is a model; through his own behavior, dad teaches a boy what it means to be a man,
what a man aspires to, how a man should treat women, what place tenderness and
sensitivity have in a mans personality. In the same way, dad teaches a girl what to expect
in a man and what to look for in a mate. Girls define themselves as females in part by
taking in how their fathers view them and react to them.
Dad provides another point of view from moms, a uniquely male one. Contemporary
feminism acknowledges differences between male and female points of view. As
Deborah Tannen observes in You Just Dont Understand, males tend to see things
through a power model, women through a relationship model.

Dad also provides mom with relief from shouldering all parenting responsibilities and
serves as a buffer between mom and her children. Dads self image, how he feels about
his standing in the community, is internalized in part by the rest of the family. Dad
defines to a great extent Whats our status? What kind of a world is it out there? A dad
who feels comfortable in himself extends security to his family.
Finally, the best fathers can provide solace and acceptance that comes out of
unconditional love freely given, even to adult children. I have a friend who was a priest
for 25 years. He is a middle-aged man and he recently came to the awesome decision that
he needed to leave the priesthood.
Who can know the conflict and anxiety he experienced? He said his greatest peace of
mind came when he told his father of the action he was about to undertake. I have been
proud of you as priest, his father told him, but I am most proud of you as my son. If
this is the decision youve come to, I know its the right one. Speak to a man who has
enough history to look back on to give him perspective and wisdom. He will tell you his
most important role was fatherhood, but he didnt know it soon enough.