Lacrimosa

Conor Garrett, BBC Northern Ireland for BBC Radio 4

Synopsis:
Since he was a teenager, 26-year-old Proinsias O'Coinn has been trying to find a piece of art - a
poem, a painting, anything - that could make him cry. He's come close - like when Jean Grey kills
Professor X in X-Men 3 - or when listening to Adele sing 'One and Only'. But it's like the sneeze
that comes tantalisingly close but never quite happens. This is his quest to find out why. In a
reflection that looks inside as well as outside, to his own doubts and to the Ireland of his
upbringing, Proinsias faces up to a very personal explanation as to why tears have eluded him so
far.

Producer: Conor Garrett, BBC Northern Ireland

Broadcast:
BBC Radio 4 - 17th August, 2015
BBC Radio Ulster 29th November 2015

Proinsias:
I feel under a bit of pressure to be honest, and I really hope that I shed at least one tear.
Thats all I want. I dont even necessarily feel I have to break down and ball but one tear, if
I feel one tear coming down my cheek, thats enough.
(Music)
Proinsias (Voice Over:)
My name is Proinsias OCoinn. Im 26 years old and for most of those 26 years Ive
thought that there is something wrong with me.
Ever since I was a teenager Ive been trying to find a song, a film, a poem or any piece of
art that could make me cry. The Lion King? Nothing. Weepy Adele songs? Nope. X
Factor sob stories? Not a chance.
Im almost a bit embarrassed to say this but the closest Ive come to shedding a tear was
at X-Men 3. Yyou know that bit when Jean Grey kills Professor X.
Dont let it control you.
Aww I was gutted but I didnt cry. Its weird its the sheer joy at these moments that this
could be it. This could be the time that I cry, that actually stops the tears ever coming. Its
like the sneeze that comes tantalizingly close but you just never get it.
So Im on a mission to find a piece of art that will push me over the edge and allow me to
cry. But what if start crying? Will I stop?

(Film Clip)

Proinsias (VO):
You see in my head, if Im able to find a piece of art that can make me cry then Ill be fully
able to appreciate and engage with it like everyone else.
Im at the Emotions Lab at Queens University Belfast. A psychologist called Dr. Gary
McKeown has wired me up to all sorts of sensors and gadgets and hes making me watch
a clip from the well-known weepy film, The Champ.
Proinsias:
Yeah that didnt do it.
Dr. Gary McKeown:
No I didnt suspect it would. The lab is not an environment thats not conducive to crying.
Weve got lots of sensors here. Weve got an artificial situation where Im sitting you down
in front of a TV getting you to watch just a clip of a film. And really thats a problem for us.
Its hard to get people to come and sit down and say right ok off you go cry for me now.
Because theres so much social context, who the person is, personal relevance, individual
differences aspects all these factors create an environment that in which people would
be more or less likely to cry.
(Music)
Proinsias:
Hellohello Father Cathal. Can you hear me?
Proinsias (VO):
Ok so theres a bit more to this story than Ive told you so far.
Proinsias:
Hello Fr Cathal, this is Proinsias here I was calling last week I think I missed your.

Proinsias (VO):
I live in Belfast these days but I grew up in a very catholic conservative part of the world
called South Armagh. And up until the age of 15 or 16, I would go to mass every Sunday.
Sometimes my Dad would give a reading and Id sit off to the side with my mum, three
brothers and two sisters. After communion Id go back to my seat and say the Hail Mary in
Irish, French and English. And Id ask God or Mary to take this away from me.
People say we all have our crosses to bear and I thought that this was mine.

Proinsias:

So part of the reason why, I think, I havent been able to cry was because I...Im...because
I
(Music)
Proinsias (VO):
Now dont get me wrong, its not that I physically cant cry. Ive cried at funerals. I cried
when I was young if my brothers didnt pass the ball to me. In fact, I was probably a bit of
a yap when I was a child. But since the age of about 15 or 16, I realised that I could
control my tears. I no longer wanted people to see me cry if I could help it.
I know now that this is completely wrong but at the time I think I was thinking that crying
made you look weak. Real men dont cry and all that nonsense. And I think that stuck
with me at some level ever since.
I remember one of the last times I cried was when my mum called me to tell me that my
aunt had died...which was just over 2 years ago now. My aunt took her own life and I had
never experienced anything like it. As soon as I hung off the phone I burst into tears. I
couldnt control it. I just sobbed.
So its not that I cant cry. Its more that I cant cry at what I now want to cry at. So films
and songs and TV programmes, poems...
Poet Michael Longley:
Evening Star (In Memory of Catherine Mercer)
The day we buried your two years and two months
So many crocuses and snowdrops came out for you
I tried to isolate from those galaxies one flower:
A snowdrop appeared in the sky at dayligone
The evening star, the star in Sapphos epigram
Which brings back everything that shiny daybreak
Scatters, which brings the sheep and brings the goat
And brings the wean back home to her mammy.
Proinsias (VO):
I always loved poetry in school. And over the years I found that writing my own poetry
helped me to actually clear my head, settle my thoughts. So to me it made sense to speak
to a poet. This is Michael Longley.
Michael Longley:
I remember when I stood in front of Van Goghs painting of a simple cane chair - and Id
been looking at it in the school library art books for some years - and when I actually stood
in front of it, I was moved to tears. I realised just how much emotion he had locked into his
picture of this very mundane object. Now, its kind of mysterious isnt it?
Proinsias:

What was it that triggered that emotion in you? So you had seen the painting before in a
book but how did you feel at the time? What was it that..?
Michael Longley:
Well it was partly like meeting an old friend.
David: Im David.
Micheal: Im Micheal.
Yvonne: Im Yvonne.
David: 10, 12 years weve known each other.
Micheal: We love him to pieces. Love him to bits.
David: Hes a character like. Hes full of it sometimes but (laughs) no, you couldnt ask
for a better friend. Hes unbelievably loyal.
Micheal: In my opinion I dont think hed be able to find a painting...Id say its more likely
to be something like a...
Yvonne: It doesnt have to be a painting. No - but when you say a piece of art it can
be...TV or
Micheal: Sorry - I meant like - I dont think hell find a...unless its something he can really
connect with Id say hell struggle.
Yvonne: But then what about...like if you find a story - do you know like his own story. If
you can relate to something - if you can really relate to something - its more likely to make
you cry than anything else.
(Music)
Proinsias (VO): Ive struggled with where the big reveal should go in this doc. Should I
continue being vague for a bit longer? No. Im done with all that bullshit. All that
nonsense. I know exactly what I want to say but I just dont know how to say it.
Right. I like women...but...I also like men. There was probably a better way of putting that
but there you go. So what? I can hear people saying. Whats the big deal? Ive spent
most of my late teens onwards trying to put on this front of being strong and tough. And I
actively went out of my way to avoid doing anything that people might remotely associate
with being gay. I thought that crying might increase peoples suspicions that I was.
In an ideal world I wouldnt have to tell anyone that I like both men and women. In an ideal
world no-one would care what gender people are attracted to. But we dont live in an ideal
world as we all know.
(Telephone fx)

I went on a surfing holiday to Spain at the start of October and got really sick on the last
day when I was flying home which was a Sunday. I ended up in hospital on the Friday
night and it turned out that I had appendicitis. And I got my appendix out on the Saturday.
A few weeks later I got a phone-call from the surgeons secretary asking me to come in.
And the surgeon told me that they found a malignant tumour in my appendix.
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
(Telephone fx)
Nurse: Hello.
Proinsias: Hello. Ive been waiting for blood test results that were taken last week. I was
told to call back at the end of this week.
Nurse: Right OK hold on a sec...
Proinsias: Thanks
Proinsias (VO): Now Im no doctor and Ive no evidence for this and no-one has backed
me on my theory as to why I got the tumour. But I honestly believe it was because of
stress.
Ive always had this secret in the back of my head, playing on everything I did, everything I
said, making sure nobody ever found out, I didnt slip up. And to me its been the biggest
battle of my life. A battle Ive fought on my own for 26 years because I was too afraid to
talk about it, too afraid to tell anyone. But Im not afraid anymore.
Right OK - thats a bit of a lie. I am still afraid but its a different kind of fear now. Where it
was once, what if people find out, what if I do something to give the game away, what if
people suss me out? Its now, what are my friends and family going to say when I tell
them. Are they going to stop speaking to me? Are they not going to want to see me
again? Those are the questions Im now asking myself.
(Music)
David: As long as you feel better now for it then it doesnt make any difference to us.
Yvonne: You just know the way I feel about it. Because I just think its awful that we
werentwe werent able to be there for you beforehand. And that you had to keep it in
whenever youve such...like youve the best friends in the whole world. And it kills me to
think that we couldnt be there for you when you felt like that.
Nurse: Em...1,2,3,4 - oh yeah, no theyre back and theyre fine.
Proinsias: Theyre back and theyre fine. OK. Thats great. Thanks very much for that.
Nurse: OK. Bye.
Proinsias: OK bye-bye-bye.

Proinsias: So, just after getting the last set of blood tests that I had to get done. And as
you just heard there they came back all clear which is brilliant. Brilliant news. Thats the
end of the scans and the blood-tests for now anyhow. I think I might have to get reviewed
every year now for the next while butno thatsthats brilliant. Its kind of the end of that
chapter and this is the start of the next chapter.
(Music)
Proinsias: Do you think its important that I do find this piece of art or at this stage does it
just not matter anymore?
Yvonne: Now that you are a different person. And you can actually just be yourself
without holding back on anything, you will see things different. Youll be more emotional.
You will. Youll justbecause youre not hiding anything.
Proinsias: To me not being able to cry is the effect of me not accepting myself. And...I
think its time that I allowed myself to cry.

Pianist Michael McHale:

I broke up with a girlfriend of a long time and its one of the few times I felt on stage myself
welling up. And it was playing this piece
Proinsias (VO):
This is the professional concert pianist, Michael McHale. Were sat down in front of a
grand piano and Ive asked him to play me a piece of music which he thinks might move
me to tears. To be honest I dont really know very much about classical music but Michael
tells me theres a piece by Schubert that could do the trick.
Pianist Michael McHale:
And theres always for me an incredible intimacy about Schuberts music and I think this
piece captures it as well as any other.
(Music)
Proinsias (VO):
Ive two friends who are a couple and they have an old vinyl player in their house that they
got out of a charity shop somewhere. And sometimes they turn on the record player in the
evening after work and slow dance with each other. And as soppy as it sounds, thats
what I want.

Dr Gary McKeown:

So let me get up the questionnaire herewhere was it? So Proinsias, this is a standard
personality questionnaire called The Five Factor Personality Questionnaire and basically
only one of these factors relates to the likely hood to cry in males and thats emotional
stability or neuroticism - kind of goes by both of those names - and youre somewhere in
the middle.
Proinsias :
Im about to watch a film now called This Is My Father and it has the tag line, a rich tale of
one mans search for his familys roots. Ive never heard of this film, never heard of it in
my life but my friend Jenny, she actually specifically bought it off the internet because she
said that it was the only film that has ever made her cry and that I have to give it a go. So
thats what Im going to do.
Dr Gary McKeown:
So it sounds like you have actively chosen to learn emotion regulation strategies. Perhaps
with our art if you are truly being moved the artist has managed to puncture through those
control mechanisms that you have. But if you have been really working hard to develop
strategies to avoid that then you are spotting contexts ahead of time and taking steps to
avoid those contexts so it doesnt surprise me at all you have probably developed quite a
skill set.
(Film Clip:)
The sins of this congregation are carnal! The word of God will not be denied.
I put a curse on you. If you slice your finger until one day you end up chopping your own
head off
Proinsias (VO):
(Laughs) I I dont know if Jenny was taking the mickey out of me but this film is
hilarious. Its so embarrassing. Its so twee. Its unbelievable and I cant see how Jenny
finds this so emotional.

Dr Gary McKeown:
Now if your social strategising to avoid these situations doesnt just turn off overnight its
not a black and white situation. So I think youd probably have your work cut out for you to
turn that off over night.
(Film Clip )
Look daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings

Proinsias (VO):

You probably recognise this. Its a clip from Frank Capra 1946 film, Its A Wonderful Life
the critic Mike Catto, tells me its one of the classic tear jerkers of all time.
Film Critic Mike Catto:
I was staggered to find out that youd never seen it. Your education starts here. If you
want to do weather if can move you to tears of not you need to sit down and watch, Its a
Wonderful Life.
Proinsias (VO):
Slightly disappointed ...it wasnt particularly sad. If people think that thats one of the most
emotional films and the most likely film to make me cry, I dont know what Im going to do.
Train station fx
Proinsias: Return to Dublin please. No Im coming back tomorrow morning. Thank you.
Proinsias (VO):
Im on my way to the national gallery of Ireland. Ive been told theres a painting there
thats been known to make grown men cry.
Gallery worker Valarie Hugh takes me to see the painting, Ecce Homo by Titian.
Valarie Hugh:
It has worked for other people, yes.
Proinsias:
Has it yeah, why so?
Valarie Hugh:
Because its such a strong powerful image. Its the one in the corner.
(Music)
Proinsias (VO):
Im standing in front of the canvas. And although its very small, the painting itself, the
image is so powerful.
It depicts the figure of Christ at the time of his crucifixion.
Hes covered in blood. He looks defeated. Lost. Broken. And hes in tears.

Proinsias:

It is quite upsetting - he just looks like a normal man. You know why did he have to go
through all this pain. Hes suffered like weve all suffered to varying degrees and about
different things and we all have our own hardships and...
I dont think Im going to cry but the frustrating thing and the most annoying thing is that,
his father, God, allowed him to go through that. What kind of God would allow his son to
suffer so much or anybody to suffer so much? Thats why Ive so many questions and Im
never going to get the answer to them. I dont think anybody is to be honest but it doesnt
mean we cant ask questions.
Proinsias (VO):
I remember being told when I was a child that if there is a lone star out at night you could
make a wish and it would come true. And up until the age of about 23 or 24 I used to
make a wish every time I saw a lone star. I would wish that I wasnt attracted to men. But
thats changed. For the last few years, Ive wished that society would accept me for who I
am. And I still make that wish.
Proinsias (VO):
Im sitting down now with tea with Fr Lee Cathal. Hes a missionary that Ive only actually
met once before. When we did meet he told me I was a searcher like him. And from that
day Ive felt like weve had some sort of connection or bond. If anyone can provide me
with the answers I need, its him.
Proinsias:
Do you think when I get to the gates of Heaven, if Im lucky enough to get there, that
because of who I am and my orientation, that theres less of a chance of me being
welcomed in.
Fr Cathal:
I couldnt see that in a million years Proinsias. Youre echoing a thousand voices outside
and inside the Church. The Church at the moment as I would see it, Im no great
theologian or anything like that but I try keep my finger on the pulse of things. Its going
through its on rediscovery of itself too. Lets put it personally to you. The church or lets
say God accepts you and welcomes you and loves you because of who and what you are.
Not because of what you should be. I hope that means something to you.
Proinsias:
That meansthat means a lot to me. And that means a lot to me and I had to bite my
lip there because Im getting a bitbut then theres that side of me that just says, why can
the Catholic Church not teach that? That Im fine the way I am. Theres nothing wrong
with me. Whereas my whole life I thought I was a freak and I was abnormal and there was
nobody else like me. And now that Im in a position where I do, it sounds a bit mushy but
love myself for who I am. I feel I can talk about this. But I also need to be honest in
saying that I still am angry at the Church.
(Music)
Proinsias (VO):

People now know and its strange. Since Ive told people I kind of feel like Im doing
everything for the first time. Like listening to music, watching films, even eating and
drinking the most simple and basic things we all do every day. They no longer are tainted
because I no longer have this knot in my stomach, this weight on my shoulders that has
hindered me my whole life.
Pianist Michael McHale:
Its pretty well accepted now by most scholars and musicologists that Schubert was
bisexual and had a lot of difficult things in his personal life to deal with especially at that
time.
Proinsias:
You nearly had me. (Laughs)
Thats the closest Ive been to crying in a very long time. And I dont know whether that it
was I was going to cry out of happiness or sadness. I dont know. Is that something that
is in that piece do you think, is there hope anda mixture of hope and tragedy?
Pianist Michael McHale:
Well there is because youve just identified it. Thats the beauty of music. Theres
everything theres everything in it but the most important thing is what you find in it. And
if you find hope in it then there is hope in it and thats how perfect is that? Thats what
art is all about.
Proinsias (VO):
Ive tested films, listening to songs, reading poetry, looking at visual art. I now feel that if I
am to cry at piece of art it will happen in a natural environment.

(Music)
Proinsias (VO):
So tonight I am kind of coming to this end of this journey.
Im on my way now to(Fades)
*End of 25 excerpt*