Cover photo by Liz Lott Contents

“Swimmer” by Amy
... a division of Switzer featured at
Mudshark Media Inc. Ice Follies
pg. 5 Jam Night A
Success
Publisher/Editor:
- by Tony
Tony Loeffen Loeffen

pg. 6 Whitney Black

Writers: of the YES MEN
pg. 5 - by Eugene
Cyndi Mayhew
Eugene Martin Martin and
pg. 14 Tony Loeffen
Ideabong
Tony Loeffen
pg. 8 Ice Follies:
- Photos by
Ideabong pg. 6 Liz Lott
Illustration:

Tyler Roy pg. 11 MORMONS!

pg. 13 Greatest Hits

Photography: Off the
Tony Loeffen\\ pg. 24 pg. 8 Ideabong
Liz Lott
pg. 15 Locavism
by Cyndi
Site Design: Mayhew
Sterling Campbell
pg. 11

pg. 13
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03
04
 SONGWRITER’S ACOUSTIC JAM A SUCCESS
To say that the North Bay bar scene does
not embrace original talent is an understate-
ment of epic proportions. Thankfully Lisa
Gibson and Caley Campbell have stepped
into the breach and are providing local musi-
cians with a chance to network, sharpen their
skills, and play original music.
The Songwriter’s Acoustic Jam has been
going on for just over a year every Wednes-
day night at 100 Georges, and the event has
not only become very popular with lovers of
acoustic music, but it has served as a valu-
able launching pad for local talent.
Gibson recognizes the importance of a jam
night to advance the careers of musicians,
and it is at such an event that she and Caley
Campbell both got their starts. In her words:
“Caley and I actually met 10 years ago at a
jam hosted by SAB at the Reef in Callander.
That’s where I met SAB too. SAB would
throw me up on stage with someone who’s
been playing forever, and I had just been
learning for a few months. It started out really
intimidating, but it forced me to play better.
You learn and get inspired when you are
up there with someone that you respect like
that, and you may have seen playing gigs
before.”
After cutting her teeth at SAB’s jam night,
Lisa went on to become a member of SAB
and The Family Band, as a vocalist/har-
monica player, and also formed a band with
Caley Campbell called the Bad Habits. This
band enjoyed some success playing such
high profile gigs as the Papa Joe Run, before
meeting an untimely end when a Kirkland
Lisa Gibson (L) and Caley Campbell (R) at Jam Night
Lake gig conflicted with drummer Sterling
Campbell’s other plans. Sterling has not
been welcome in Kirkland Lake since, but
has recently been forgiven by Lisa.
When Caley and Lisa first met she felt a
strong connection and predicted that “When
we’re old farts, we’ll be grandparents and
we’ll still be jamming around a campfire
somewhere.” That prediction is one step
closer to becoming come true as Caley has
recently welcomed a son, Peyton Camp-
bell, into this world, who is also, coinciden-
tally, Lisa’s nephew. In terms of a partner
to operate this event she says: “I couldn’t
have picked a better co-host. I asked Caley
because he has a big heart, he’s talented
and he’s the kind of musician that will play
with anybody. He has the kind of personality
where even though he is awesome, people
aren’t intimidated to get up and play after him
or with him.”
Although this night is called the “Songwriter’s
Acoustic Jam”, musicians are welcome to
play covers as well. However, Lisa was
very specific in naming the event. “We want
to encourage original music. There are no
venues for songwriters in town. Eventually,
we’re hoping to be able to use one night per
month to dedicate to a couple of songwriters
and just let them play full sets of their own
stuff. It’s amazing the response people get
here when they play their own stuff. When
someone like Ben Herman gets up to play
his originals people eat it up. How often do
you get a group of people that know the
words to your original songs? When Caley
plays “Brother Blues” here, people know the
words.”
When discussing the jam night, Lisa and Cal-
ey both prefer to speak about the group of
regular performers that have been frequent-
ing it. They both take pride in the achieve-
ments of people who are gaining experience
performing at the Jam, and also in those
who fill the mentoring roles. Caley mentions
Lainey Este as an example of a musician
who has blossomed in this environment:
“When Lainey first started coming out, she
wasn’t even playing guitar or singing. She
was playing flute. Now she is playing guitar
and singing. She’s come a long way.” An-
other example would be Karoline Syr, who as
Lisa says, is “one of those people who came
out, was really shy, and now she’s in bands,
getting gigs and she’s playing with musicians
like Lloyd McMillan who’s been playing for 20
something years. One of my favorite things
about jam night is Lloyd McMillan. Most of us
that come out are amateurs, but Lloyd has
played in lots of bands, and he is a sea-
soned musician. If someone needs to learn
something, he’ll teach them. If someone
needs backup, he’s there. He’ll invite them
over to learn the songs that they want to do,
so they can get up. It inspires people that are
up and coming to be able to play with a guy
like Lloyd”
Clearly, this jam night is fostering a sense
of community among local musicians, and
thanks to the initiative and support of Lisa
and Caley, local musicians have a readily
available stage on which to perform original
music.
05
interview with Whitney Black of ...

THE YES MEN

The Yes Men are a performance art slash activist group who use media infiltration and impersonation techniques to get their message out.
They take on environmental issues, and shed light on the absurdities of the concept of good corporate citizenship. Eugene Martin of We
Are Change North Bay and myself were privileged to interview Whitney Black of The Yes Men shortly after their spoof of Stephen Harper’s
environmental policies at Copenhagen caused an international sensation and deeply embarrassed our government. Early in the Copehagen
Climate conference, The Yes Men held a fake news conference pretending to be Canadian officials and announced that they intended to cut
greenhouse gas emissions to the levels being asked for by environmentalists. Given Canada’s status as an egregious climate change of-
fender, this announcement was greeted with great enthusiasm worldwide. Our government then had to announce, that the press conference
was a hoax, and that Canada intended to stonewall the climate talks. Our government was made a mockery of on the international stage.
Now, our Prime Minister is by the tar sands, of the tar sands, and for the tar sands, and therefore deserves to get tarred and feathered at a
climate change conference. And when the Yes Men do it, it is always hilarious. However, I was curious as to why someone from the most
blood thirsty and oil thirsty country in the world would waste time on a relatively minor offender in Canada. Following is an excerpt...
Tony Loeffen: Whitney, I’d just like to say hagen and start debating on who’s doing WB: Ya, Stephen Harper is going to need
thank you on behalf of all embarrassed what. For example, the single biggest a survival ball with his attitude about
Canadians because we have just had our institutional polluter is the American climate change.
Prime Minister go to Copenhagen not military. If your jets fly to Afghanistan to
representing our wishes as a nation, with bomb some villages, those machines are TL: That might be a great fund-raising
respect to climate change. You were able emitting carbon dioxide. Does that get idea for We Are Change North Bay, we
to make our Prime Minister wear a clown counted against Afghanistan’s emissions, could get together and purchase a sur-
suit for a bit there, and we appreciate that. or do you guys take credit for that? vival ball to send to our Prime Minister.

Whitney Black: OK good!! WB: That I don’t know. WB: I’m sure he would love that.

Eugene Martin: What made you pick
Canada?
WB: We didn’t actually pick Canada. A
couple of weeks before the conference,
some Canadian activists approached us
about it. They said that they were embar-
rassed by their government, and we like
what the Yes Men do, and were wonder-
ing if we would help them.
TL: With Canada’s position on climate
change... our Prime Minister went to
Copenhagen very reluctantly as did your
President. Our PM showed up a few days
in advance of Obama and said what-
ever Obama will sign, I’ll sign. What was
Obama’s negotiating position on climate
change?
WB: All the countries except for our two,
were trying to set goals based on 1990
levels. The U.S. And Canada want to erase
that and set the baseline according to
2006 or 2005 levels. Our pledge was about
17% reduction from 2006 levels, which is
pretty crappy.
TL: With your declining industrial output,
you should have no problem reaching
that right? Plus with all the foreclosures
happening, and those houses standing
empty, well, there are fewer buildings to
heat and air condition now.
WB: Ya, but coal is starting to become
popular right now unfortunately. We’d
rather have alternative energy...
TL: Obama is championing the clean coal
movement too. That’s awesome.
WB: We’re hoping that some changes will
be made. It is at least hopeful that some-
thing is happening. But...
TL: All countries go to a place like Copen-
TL: It’s important, because you guys are
in a hundred countries with your military.
WB: That’s another one of the problems.
They need to have a set way of determin-
ing emissions and accounting for that.
That was one of the problems with the
Kyoto protocol, they set goals, but there
was no standard for measurement. That’s
really confusing. If our tanks are over in
Afghanistan, or if someone is on an inter-
national flight, where does the carbon get
counted?
TL: What if one of your fighters takes off
in Saudi Arabia, then flies over and drops
some bombs on a wedding in Afghani-
stan, then it flies back to Saudi Arabia.
There are three countries involved. Who
takes credit for those greenhouse gas
emissions?
WB: It’s a mess...
TL: This seems to be an issue that the
Yes Men have really embraced. Even your
survival balls are a response to climate
change.
WB: Yes, the survival balls are the origi-
nal climate change solution proposed by
the Yes Men.
TL: Can you fit them with anti-aircraft
missiles?
WB: Oh ya, we can outfit them with what-
ever you think you might need. They have
all kinds of weapons to protect you from
climate change. .
TL: In Canada we need survival balls.
Especially so we can survive the pies
in the face our country is getting. Actu-
ally, I think we should have sent Stephen
Harper to Copenhagen in a survival ball.
EM: There is some debate that climate
change might be used for profiteering.
With cap and trade, people like Al Gore
stand to profit from this whole carbon
deal. Do you have a position on that?
WB: I think a lot of that is propaganda that
is put out by denialist groups. I’ve had
people approach me and say, “climate
change, isn’t that something that develop-
ing countries are using to get rich?” And
I’m like.... aaaaaahhhh... well, there is a
debate as to which one is better a carbon
tax or cap and trade but...
TL: As long as it boils down that the pol-
luters are being charged...
WB: This is not a get rich quick scheme,...
TL: Did you follow our last election here?
Our Liberal party, which 60% of the time
forms the government here, ran on a car-
bon tax, and got wiped out...
WB: Ya, a carbon tax is more progressive
than cap and trade. Let’s face it, America
is one of the worst informed countries on
this issue. When Obama got up to make
a speech at Copenhagen, and I mean...
heeeelllllooooo...he had to state that
climate change is real while the other
countries are laughing at him. None of the
other countries are still debating this.
TL: Every time Obama says something
like climate change is real, he is allowing
the debate to be framed around whether
or not climate change is real.
WB: Exactly, it’s idiotic.
TL: He is not saying that for the benefit
of your citizens. He is helping establish
parameters of the debate. As soon as he
says that climate change is real, he is
bringing the deniers back into it. I mean

06
jeez, that’s a step backwards. At least he
was lucky to have Stephen Harper to run
interference for him. There are two bad
guys, and the world was basically looking
at one bad guy the whole time. Obama
comes up with a signed agreement that
has vague goals and is not legally bind-
ing, and people treat him like a champion.
I’m no fan of our Prime Minister but he
gets pie in the face while running interfer-
ence for your media darling.
WB: Ya, we were not very happy with
Obama, he lost some points there. I like
Obama and I voted for him... but ... come
on...
TL: He can be a champion at Copenhagen
for producing vapour, and he can win a
Nobel Peace Prize for escalating wars.
WB: Ya, and there is the spin too. I talk to
people who say, but think of it this way,
we got all the leaders in one spot talking
about this issue. I’m like ... “really? That’s
the only thing we have to congratulate
ourselves on? That we got together in
one space?
TL: Especially with such a time sensitive
issue such as this.
WB: We’re literally running out of time.
TL: Look at it this way, the way things are
going, you guys may wind up richer than
Al Gore by selling survival balls.
WB: Hahahaa....
TL: In terms of fund-raising and the Yes
Men’s future viability, I suppose the
climate is a little more complicated for
progressives now that Obama is in the
White House, because when Bush was
President, you guys had an easy target.
WB: Ya, everybody loves to dump on
Bush.
Survival Ball by the Yes Men. You too can be climate change proof!
Arsenal currently under development and may include SAMs...
TL: Now your President is a warm fuzzy
version of Bush, and it is harder to get on
him because he is so wildly popular.
WB: Well, he’s half wildly popular ...
because half the country voted for him,
and the other half is afraid of him because
they think he is a terrorist and not even
an American citizen.
TL: But your target market, which is pro-
gressives, love him.
WB: Progressives love him because they
think he is some kind of messiah that
has come to bring us out of craziness. I
voted for Obama, and I hope he will bring
change...
TL: Change you can believe in!!! When
the choice is between Obama and Satan,
even I’d take Obama. But, at the primary
level, when you had Obama, Clinton,
Kucinich, Biden, etc., would you have
endorsed Obama when you had those
choices?
WB: Way back when, personally, it seems
like Kucinich, and Edwards were OK.... I
mean you can be a great orator, and make
all kinds of promises, but what is the
ference between him and the kid running
for class president who promises to make
lunch longer and have more recesses.
TL: Myself, I would have chosen Kucinich
first, then Edwards, and if I had to choose
a viable candidate, it would have been
Clinton. Obama was last on my list be-
cause he is clearly a Republican who was
speaking like a Democrat. Once the pro-
gressive media got behind Obama, it was
over. Now, The Yes Men have to make
money to sustain their activities right?
WB: We have to make money to sustain
our activities, but for a lot of us, this isn’t
our full time job. This is something that
we are passionate about, but some of us
have full time jobs.
TL: Right now, the massive majority of
progressives are behind Obama. I’m
sure that will change, because even if
you can’t smell the coffee, when it gets
dumped in your lap, you’re sure as hell
going to wake up. I’m just wondering at
this time, if you guys take on anything
Obama related, will your funding dry up?
Will people react against you? With our
Prime Minister and your President being
equally as guilty on climate change, our
Prime Minister gets targeted while Obama
gets a free pass because you don’t want
to piss off progressives in your own
country?
WB: We’re always going to piss off some-
body. We don’t choose our actions be-
cause we are going to piss off one person
instead of the other.
TL: Your choice of targets is completely
divorced from your fund-raising opportu-
nities?
WB: Ya.
TL: Good, that’s what we like to hear.
EM: Absolutely.
WB: Funding has nothing to do with who
we pick.
TL: Where do you guys stand on the wars.
Obviously we have atmosphere issues,
and we have issues of mass slaughter.
Do you guys plan on taking on Obama’s
wars? Are they on your radar?
WB: It’s on our radar, it is just a question
of what opportunities come along. It isn’t
a formula, we don’t sit and plot what we
need to get next. It’s on the radar, but
how, or it, or when? I have no idea.
Latest DVD by the Yes Men.
Available at www.yesmen.org
07
It happens about once a year... unsuspecting Mormons stumble into the Solvent office, and assume the
Missionary Position. I’m not complaining, I always like these guys. Well groomed, pleasant and respectful...
each and every one of them. I tend to be more curious about their beliefs than they are about mine, but that
works out fine, as they are much more into sharing theirs than I am. That is what they do, and that is why
they are so omnipresent on Main Street. Solvent takes the time to speak with them, so you don’t have to.
S: You guys must be really pissing off the ment. You can’t make friends like that.
Solvent: Do you mind if I record the word of Catholic Church by biting into Brazil, that is E1: We do however claim that we have
God? big money turf for them... truths that are necessary for our salvation.
Elder 1: That’s fine. E1: All we do is invite people to listen... and S: By our salvation, do you mean your salva-
S: Is it the word of God, or is it a message then it’s their choice. God gave us agency, tion, or everybody’s salvation?
from? the ability to choose. Christ himself said: E1: Everybody’s salvation. God is an un-
Elder 2: It’s nothing pre-planned. “Come and see”. changeable God, and He is no respecter of
E1: We just talk to people. S: So you don’t give people reasons not to persons.
S: You talk to people based on what you be a Catholic? S: So the truths that you are communicating
think people need to hear about your E2: Nope. are necessary for my survival, and if I don’t
church? E1: We just explain things that we know to take those truths as my own, I get eternal
E1: What we do, is we try to speak for our- be true, and encourage you to ask God if it hellfire?
selves. Discussing questions of why are we is. E1: It all depends on your relationship with
here and where are we going... we pray and S: What happens to people who fail to God.
ask God these things, and he has told me, become Mormons by the time of their death? S: I think you’re telling me I’m destined for
so I just ask people to try it for themselves. Do they get some eternal hellfire? the hellfire.
Our invitation is, just listen to what we have E1: They’ll be judged according to the light E1: I’m not one to judge. We have come to
to share, and then ask God if it is true. that they’re given. know that we do need to be baptized, we do
E2: We do come to teach about what we be- E2: It’s not as black and white as heaven need to have faith, we do need to repent our
lieve, but that doesn’t make it true until God and hell... sins. Obviously, what God has said is that
tells you that it is. S: According to your beliefs, is it possible for to go against his will is to be judged for that.
S: Mormonism is supposedly growing very non-Mormons to go to heaven? We do claim that what we share is part of
fast. How many members are there now? E1: Ya. Just because you are Mormon God’s will. We invite people to hear it, and
E2: There are 13 or 14 million of us. doesn’t mean you are following God. There God works in everybody’s life regardless of
S: Is that just in Utah? are a lot of people that go to church that their beliefs, even atheists. Even atheists are
E1: No no, that is the total. There are actu- don’t live it. It doesn’t matter what title you God’s children.
ally more member outside of North America have, it is the life you live that matters. S: Does God have worse things in store for
than inside. S: That’s nice. It is easier to have a respect- his atheist kids than his Mormon kids? If I
S: Really? Where are you strongest outside ful difference of opinion, when you don’t get am going to have a relationship with God, I
of North America? told by the other party that you will perish in need to know in advance that he is not going
E2: Brazil for sure. eternal hellfire as a result of the disagree- to be a difficult God. His son Jesus preaches

10
forgiveness, so I’m wondering what exactly
God will not forgive? Will he forgive an athe-
ist for non-belief?
E1: God will forgive an atheist if the atheist
repents.
S: By definition that would be impossible. So,
God will not forgive an atheist for atheism.
E1: In the scriptures it God says: “Come, be
baptized, and repent of your sins. Then you
shall be forgiven.”
S: How is repentance different in your
religion, than say, in any other Christian
denomination? Is there right repentance and
wrong repentance?
E2: I don’t exactly know how every differ-
ent Christian repents. In our religion, we
repent our sins, and then forsake them. It is
not enough to repent a sin that we intend to
repeat.
S: For example a Mormon can’t have coffee
right?
E1: Right
S: ... but if you do have a coffee, that is a
sin that you would repent, be forgiven, and
then you would need to forsake coffee in the
future in order to maintain the forgiveness.
In other Christian denominations, having a
Timmy’s is not something that they’d need
to repent and forsake. This is an example of
Mormon repentance versus, say... Anglican
repentance. What happens to the Christian
that has the odd Timmy’s? Hellfire?
E1: Everybody has sin. We hate the sin and
not the sinner.
S: How did coffee become a sin?
E2: You are judged according to the light and
knowledge that you have. The big difference
between The Church of Jesus Christ of Lat-
ter Day Saints and other Christian churches,
is that we believe that has been a prophet
called by God, in our day. One of the things
that he has revealed or brought forth is
something called the “word of wisdom”. That
deals with no alcohol, no tobacco, and coffee
is one of the things that is forbidden. Alcohol
and tobacco actually make sense... but cof-
fee ... I don’t know... I just follow it.
S: Here’s a bit of advice. If you guys are
helping to build this business enterprise - and
I refer to it thusly because money is chang-
ing hands – it may not be a good idea to be
removing coffee drinkers from your target
market... especially in Canada. You must
have noticed a few coffee shops around here
eh?
E1: Ya, like on every corner.
S: Have you had anyone tune you out when
you told them coffee is a no-no?
E2: I’ve only been here 2 months.
E1: We don’t convert people, so I don’t know.
We build our faith by reading scriptures
and going to church. It is a process in life,
and nothing happens over night. I’m still
changing. Everybody’s changing all the way
through their lives. That’s the process of
repentance. We’re going to make mistakes.
God’s allowing us to be forgiven as we try
and change. We’re not just here to keep the
commandments. We are here to become
loving, forgiving, charitable, humble... all
these things. Following the commandments
are leading to those points. We’re going to
become like Christ, and the commandments
are there to help us with that.
S: Is your Christ different than the Christ of
other religions? Your Christ lived in North
America didn’t he? I’m a little fuzzy on the
details.
E1: Christ was born of the Virgin Mary in
Jerusalem. He suffered on the cross, was
resurrected. There are 15 thousand different
denominations of Christianity and they all
read the King James Bible, and they all get
something different out of it. We’re not here
to bash on doctrines, we’re here simply to
explainwhat we’ve gotten out of it. Here’s an
example. Christ is talking to his apostles: “As
the Father knoweth me, even so, knoweth
I, the Father, and I lay down my life for the
sheep.”
S: Who are the sheep?
E1: Us.
S: We’re sheep?
E1: Every child of God is a sheep, but we
have to come into the fold. Some of us have
run off.
S: We’re “sheeple”. I use that term because
some of us are easily led and don’t question
things enough. Those who blindly follow
without questioning are “sheeple”. So,
would your “sheep” be something like my
“sheeple”?
E1: Yes, but I encourage everyone to have
their own experience.
S: But part of that experience is being a
sheep?
E1: Yes.
S: Sheep get led to slaughter by shepherds
don’t they? I don’t know if I want to be a
sheep.
E1: Christ is the shepherd and he is leading
us to salvation.
S: Okaaaaay...
E1: So anyway, he continues on and says:
“... and other sheep I have which are not of
this fold, them also I shall bring and make
them hear my voice and there shall be one
fold, and one shepherd.”
S: Are all sheeps equal?
E1: Yes, no sheep is better than any other
sheep. They just make different choices.
S: What chapter did you just read out of
there?
E1: John 10:15.
S: That bible reference is very appropriate
because we’re talking about whether or not
you guys are competing with other religions
for sheep. What you’ve just said is that all
sheep are equal although some of them do
not belong to your fold.
E1: All sheep are equal, but in the end we
are going to be judged for our deeds.
S: Another thing that happens to sheep is
that they get fleeced. How much money do
you guys require from people? Do you guys
do tithing?
E1: Yes, we pay 10% of our earnings to the
Church just as it says in the Old Testament.
S: Makes sense. If the sheep get too woolly
you have to trim them up a bit.
E1: Anyway, to answer your question about
Christ in the Americas. This scripture, is
referring to other groups of people, other
nations. The Book of Mormon was written by
prophets that lived in the Americas. These
prophets were commended by God just as
the prophets in Jerusalem.
S: There are multiples? I thought there was
just Joe Smith. He didn’t write the whole
Book of Mormon?
E1: No, Joe Smith didn’t write any of it.
S: All I know about Mormonism comes from
South Park. Do you find that with other
people too?
E2: Ya
E1: For sure. So anyway, this book was
written by Prophets that were called by
God to the Americas from 600 BC to 400
AD. Joseph Smith didn’t live until 1820 AD.
These prophets were commended by God to
teach in North America, and Christ went and
visited these people. After he ascended into
heaven, he then descended to talk to people
in North America.
S: This continent is separate from everything
else, so people around here would not have
figured it out for himself, so he must have
realized he’d be leaving North Americans
behind unless he paid a visit here.
E1: We’re all God’s children, so why would
Jesus just appear to one group of people?
S: Australia was also not connected by land
to the Middle East, did he go there? Or did
he leave them behind?
E1: It says in the Book of Mormon that Jesus
went to visit the “Isles of the Sea”.
S: That should pretty much cover everything
I guess. From that, you would not be able to
say what he didn’t visit.
E1: That’s true. There is nothing that is not
an isle in the sea. So that is our unique mes-
sage. We believe that Jesus visited other
people, and that there are other books of
scripture besides the King James Bible. Ev-
erybody limits God. They say he only wrote
the Bible. Who are you to limit God in what
he can do, in what he can say, and what he
can write? God can do whatever he wants.
The Book of Mormon was buried about 425
AD, and it was brought forth in the 1800’s by
Joseph Smith.
S: I’ve got something for you to think about.
E1: What?
S: You say: “Who can limit God?”
E1: Yes.
S: But you also say that God does stuff.
E1: Yes.
S: Doesn’t that fact that God acts presup-
pose some opposition to that action? The ex-
istence of opposition, is a form of limitation.
E2: I would say that the action that he does
... we claim different things... we know that
he is a loving god... he is a god that has the
attributes of Christ you might say... and so
we, through study and through prayer ... ah
jeez I’m running out of time here... we can
figure out the actions that he might take but...
we’re not... ah I lost my train of thought.
S: Don’t worry about it.
E1: Either way, we just invite people to read
the Book of Mormon.
E2: Our simple message is that we share our
message. We are inadequate teachers. We
don’t know everything but if people ask us,
they can ask God if these things are true,
and he will tell them.
S: That’s a good attitude to have. Hopefully
North Bay treats you guys good.
E2: It has so far, there are lots of great
people here.
S: Thanks guys.
www.wearechangenorthbay.org
11
Jessica asks: My mother-in-law is on my case because I’m pregnant
again (it’s our fourth child). She is constantly making snarky remarks
about myself being pregnant “all the time” and that three kids would
have been enough. First of all, it’s none of her business and sec-
ondly: we want a big family — perhaps even 6-8 kids. How do I get
my mother-in-law to lay off my pregnant ass?
Ideabong says: It would be nice to know if your mother in law is on
your pregnant ass because she thinks it is generally wrong to have
that many kids, or perhaps because it is wrong for YOU to have
that many kids. Perhaps she is concerned with the unsustainable
population of planet Earth, and doesn’t want her family to be a part
of the problem. In that case, you could get her off your pregnant ass
by adopting some Haitians to fill up your family, if you really need
your family to be that large. Those kids have already been born, and
therefore you will not be guilty of growing the population irresponsi-
bly. In the event that she just doesn’t think YOU and her son should
have that many kids my advice is as follows. There are some very
specific poverty related issues that come with having that many kids,
one of which is domestic squalor. There aren’t that many 9 bedroom
homes in the North Bay area, so perhaps your mother in law has a
distaste for the idea of you and you and her son having to stack her
grandchildren like cordwood in the hovel you are able to afford due
to your exorbitant grocery bills. Perhaps you might get her off your
pregnant ass by listening to her. She might prefer you to do a good
job of raising 3 kids rather than totally screw up 8 kids. Actually, soci-
ety in general would appreciate it too.
Aaron asks: Is reincarnation real? Many people believe in it… I
remain sceptical.
Ideabong says: If you would like to discuss such concepts as rein-
carnation, we may as well discuss such things as what is “real” while
we’re at it. Belief in reincarnation is useful for some people, because
it gets them through the night. If you can’t get through the night
without a similar belief, then you may as well believe in reincarnation,
and, if you do, you don’t need to worry about whether reincarnation
is real, so long as your belief is real. Reality can be anything you
decide it is, but it is an always an act of will power. Good luck.
Mary asks: Is it possible to drive by car to Paris? I want to go but my
husband is afraid of airplanes, boats and trains, and will only go by
car!
Ideabong says: As much as I want to help you with this, since you
did not include your point of origin,... I cannot. For all I know, you
are already in France which would make the answer to your ques-
tion: “How do you not know this?” However, you may be in Australia,
in which case the answer to your question is still: “How do you not
know this?” I am tempted to say that that would be the answer to
your question no matter where you are, but then again, you may
reside somewhere on the continental United States. If so, the answer
is: “No, you cannot drive to France from Alabama because of what
we call the Atlantic Ocean. An ocean is very a large body of water.
Cars cannot drive on water because water is a fluid with less density
than the metal your government subsidized General Motors prod-
uct is made out of. You will sink, and then you will drown because
humans cannot breathe under water. Drowning will prevent you from
reaching your destination. Please advise your elected representa-
tives to place a higher priority on public education.”
12
Chris asks: My boyfriend is addicted to Guitar Hero 3. He completely
ignores me. He doesn’t talk to me, or demand sex or food from me.
Sometimes when I come home from work, he sits around in the same
pyjamas as he was in when I left. What can I do about his Guitar
Hero III addiction?
Ideabong says: Let’s not worry too much about this gentleman’s
Guitar Hero III addiction. Let’s work on something far more impor-
tant... such as your standards. Perhaps you need to think about what
you can do to prevent yourself from feeling like you should stay with
someone who wears pajamas all day and likes video games more
than he likes you. Do you think you are more interesting than a video
game? If not, then you either need to be more generous in your self-
assessment, or you need to improve yourself. If you want help with
that, let me know. It is a separate issue though.
Jenny asks: I’m in love with a married man. He has promised me
that he will leave his wife but the “timing has to be right.” He’s a car-
ing father so he’s thinking about his kids.My problem is that I can’t
quite bring myself to believe him! We have been seeing each other
for over a year and nothing has happened. He still goes home to
his wife and kids every night. I have told him that I wish him to start
putting words in to action but he’s avoiding the subject.How long am I
supposed to wait for him to leave his wife?
Ideabong says: Ideabong gets very disappointed, almost to the point
of losing faith in the fairness of this world, when the plans of a home
wrecker do not work out. Keep waiting. In a perfect world, you would
wait for a very long time, if not forever...
Karen asks: Could you help me pick a clever stripper name? I cur-
rently go under the name of Crystal Palace, which I know is pretty
bad…
Ideabong says: Clever may be a mistake, as clever does nothing to
improve what you are selling. Clever may in fact be a liability. I think
Crystal Palace is too clever in fact. You may want to dumb it down
a little. How about Boom Boom Belinda or Greedy Gretchen. I got
those from “Three’s Company”, it was girls like those that drove Jack
Tripper bananas, and I think you want the Jack Trippers of this world
to go crazy for you right?
Michelle asks: I have had three serious boyfriends and two of them
tuned out to be gun nuts. Now my last one has turned as well. My
first boyfriend would rather go hunting with his drunken friends than
have sex! I had to give up on him even though he had a nice pickup
truck. Why do all the guys I’m with turn out to be gun nuts?
Ideabong says: One thing really stands out from what you just said
there. You had to dump your gun crazy boyfriend EVEN THOUGH
he has a nice pickup truck. That leads me to believe that one of the
criteria you use to choose men is whether or not the individual has
a nice pickup truck. Is it possible that you do not see a correlation
between guns and pickup trucks? If you want to test my hypothesis,
choose a man that owns a Volvo. If that guy goes into the bush, it
will not be with his buddies, some beers, and a gun for the purpose
of shooting critters, it will be with a bottle of wine, and you, for the
purpose of reading you a poem he wrote for you. It would be wise for
you to profile your prospective men using tried and true stereotypes.
They work.
Kevin asks: Can I have some good advice?
Ideabong says: Buy real estate.
 ... you ask the ideabong
Daniel asks: Is Elvis still alive or is he really dead?

a question
Ideabong says: It depends on who you are talking to. If you are talk-
ing to, say, Billy Jim Burt from down Tennessee way, then the answer
is “Yes”. The King lives on, because Billy Jim Burt saw him on a UFO

... the ideabong smokes

during his 4th abduction ... If you are asking The Ideabong, then the
answer is “Yes” because the Ideabong has seen The King on every
UFO he has ever been temporarily captured by. Clearly the Idea-

... the ideabong thinks

bong is a bigger Elvis fan than your average dude with multiple first
names.

Pat asks: How do I tell if it is really a he without removing its ... the ideabong answers
your question
clothes?

Ideabong says: If gender matters to you, and you are in doubt about
the individual’s gender ... end it. Seriously, WTF? I mean,... COME
ON!!! Quit freaking The Ideabong out.

Dave asks: I have a reoccurring dream where I am dressed as

www.ideabong.com
a cheerleader (I am a man) and I get raped by big black football
players. Did I mention that I am 100% straight? Why would I have
dreams about things I do not care for? It does not make any sense!

Ideabong says: Did I mention that you are not 100% straight? You
would not have dreams about things you do not care for, and it
makes perfect sense!

Steve asks: Did you see the movie Bucket List? It’s a story about
two dying men who do all the things they have always wanted to
do, but never took the time to do! I’m not dying but I like the idea!
However, I’m not sure what kind of things I want to do before I die.
Skydiving is not a big deal for me… I have hundreds of jumps under
my belt. I need more real-life things to do! Do you have any ideas for
challenges for me to complete before I die?

Ideabong says: 1. Slay the Nemean Lion. 2. Slay the 9-headed Ler-
naean Hydra. 3. Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis. 4. Capture the
Erymanthian Boar. 5. Clean the Augean stables in a single day. 6.
Slay the Stymphalian Birds. 7. Capture the Cretan Bull. 8. Steal the
Mares of Diomedes. 9. Obtain the Girdle of the Amazon Queen. 10.
Obtain the Cattle of the Monster Geryon. 11. Steal the Apples of the
Hesperides. 12. Capture and bring back Cerberus. And since I think
the 12 Labours of Hercules are not challenging enough for some-
one like yourself, for whom skydiving is no big deal... 13. Knit The
Ideabong a sweater with Sammy Davis Jr.’s face on the front and the
Mandelbrot set, in all of its glorious detail, on the back. You can rest
in peace after you have completed this bucket list.

Herb asks: I believe that when the toilet paper is put on the holder
the paper should hang over the front. My equally stubborn wife thinks
it absolutely has to hang down behind the roll. If either of us finds it
the “wrong” way we change it. This leads to the roll being changed
several times a day. We frequently argue about what is the right
way and those arguments are hurting our marriage. We considered
building a second washroom so we could each have our own but we
can’t afford what it would cost. I offered to install a second holder in
the washroom so we could each have our own properly hung roll. My
wife poo-poo’d that idea saying it would still bother her having to see
my “wrong” roll. I even considered installing an automatic toilet seat
from Japan — it washes and dries your private parts without using
any paper! But unfortunately the dryer would cost even more than
building another washroom. I’m hoping that you’ll have some advice
that can save my marriage. What is the right way for the toilet paper
to hang?

Ideabong says: I’m not answering that. Sorry.

SELL YOUR ORDER BOOKS
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 Locavism: a movement in which people
eat locally in order to reduce carbon emis-
sions created by food transportation. North
Bay’s Near North Locavores have adopted
this growing environmental trend as a way
of life. A few of North Bay’s ‘eat local’
proponents were kind enough to answer my
questions about their green lifestyle. I found
their willingness to change and their consid-
eration for their impact on our world inspiring.
Despite its requirement to drastically reduce
one’s dietary diversity in the name of carbon
reduction, Locavism has many appealing
aspects. Develop a sense of community. Be-
come reconnected with food. Be more con-
scious about its obtainment, and therefore
more appreciative of what’s on one’s plate.
Support local farmers. I was converted. No
more shopping at No Frills. I can sacrifice my
rainbow peppers from Mexico and my blue-
berries in January. Hell, I’m already vegan
I’m not afraid of a little self discipline in order
to make the more responsible choice. But
wait- does eating local really take a bite out
of carbon emissions? The less distance food
travels, the less impact on the environment.
Seems like a sensible notion, right? Being
the eternal skeptic that I am, I delved into
researching the issue. I discovered that our
food system is much more complicated than
that.
First of all, a little perspective: food trans-
portation only accounts for 2-4 percent of
the overall impact of the food industry on the
environment. Also, food kilometers and envi-
ronmental burden are not directly correlated.
How a food is cultivated, stored- and what it
is– is most important when determining the
environmental impact. In fact, in many cases
Ontario grown food could have a significantly
greater foot-print than food shipped to us
from half-way around the world. Concentrat-
ing food production in the most favorable
regions is the best way to minimize environ-
mental impact. By growing food in its most
ideal conditions, it allows for much more
efficient use of fuel, capital, machinery and
other resources. Ontario’s heavy reliance
on greenhouses and cold storage use much
more energy than production in more favor-
able climates. Studies show that the largest
greenhouse gas impact of food transpor-
tation is not due to shipping food from
producers to stores, but can be attributed to
individual families making many small-vol-
ume shopping trips by car to transport food
from stores to their homes,. Moving produce
in super-efficient diesel-powered container
ships or even airplanes or tractor trailers re-
quires much less energy per apple, flower or
chicken breast, even if the distance covered
is much greater.
With the population of the planet rapidly
heading for an estimated 9 billion people,
and already massive food shortages, produc-
ing enough food while reducing our agricul-
ture’s impact on the planet, is no doubt a
serious issue. There are some merited ben-
efits to eating local, but they do not provide
effective solutions to improving the sus-
tainability of humankind’s food production.
Eating local is a great way to provide support
to farmers in your community, however if
western nations suddenly stopped buying
food from developing nations, it would have
catastrophic consequences for the most
impoverished in our world. Also, poverty is
the single biggest factor driving problems like
deforestation, biodiversity loss, soil depletion
and the endangerment of wildlife.
Attention should be shifted to the main
source of environmental destruction from our
food system. Meat and dairy production cre-
ate more greenhouse gases than all of the
transportation in the world combined. The
livestock sector occupies 30 percent of our
earth’s land. Producing a pound of beef for
consumption requires more than 10 pounds
of plant protein for animal feed, along with
massive amounts of water and land. 14.8
pounds of CO2 is created by every pound of
beef, more than 36 times the CO2 emitted by
producing the average vegetable. Methane
created by animal waste is also a serious
problem. The data is overwhelmingly clear;
adopting a plant-based diet is a much more
effective way to reduce carbon through food
choices. In fact, I’m left wondering if you can
even call yourself an environmentalist if you
consume meat.
Is Locavism just a case of idealistic hip-
pies romanticizing the idea of self sufficient
communities ‘living off the land’, denouncing
the modern food system based on as-
sumptions and emotions, instead of facts
and data? The movement’s main claim of
lowering carbon output by lowering food kilo-
meters has little to no validity. When keep-
ing in mind that food transport as a whole
accounts for only an extremely small portion
of the food industry’s environmental impact,
it is clear the movement’s focus is severely
misplaced. What’s the harm in promoting this
as a “green lifestyle”? Well, it’s simply not
conducive to progress. I praise those who
are willing to make drastic lifestyle changes
to do their part for the environment. Howev-
er, the meat and dairy industry’s effects are
wide-ranging and radically more severe, and
should therefore rank as the leading focus of
environmentalist.
15